>>132096
Thanks for the heads up. I don't usually go on these types of sites, but a friend recommended it to me so here I am.

I like to think I'm competent enough to not have to read the instructions, but since you had to tell me this, just shows what i know.

>>132097

ouch, those are some heavy hitters.

The only reason, I added the second description was because Fim Fiction said I had too. (In retrospect I probably could have added a single character to bypass the system)

I already knew there would be some grammatical mistakes because I'm only decent at proof reading, not great. As for the Zecora thing, i did look it up because i wasn't sure, i guess i used a bad source.

As for you not liking it in general. I guess I picked a bad writing style for this fic. Maybe i was trying to get too many ideas down too quickly, or maybe i just suck.


Would you prefer it if i wrote it something like this?…

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>>132102
Well, it's kind of a run on paragraph and hard to read.
And onomatopoeia like *splat* in prose is really questionable.
fallowed by Intense heat - Combo. Misspelling and capitalization error.
And you end up repetitive really quickly: The, It, and A especially.
It does seem to give the passage a passive voice. The roar explodes out, Twilight doesn't seem to have control over it or anything really. Or her eyes. I never really understood passive and active voice entirely, but this removes the characters capacity to act because they're are no longer choosing to act.
The smirk bursts onto her face, instead of Twilight smirking. It removes her capability to act on the story.

> Is that what your looking for?
No, it's not the events that take place in the story that I have problems with. I'd like to like the story actually.

Oh, you edited it after the last time I looked at it. That's... that's great.…

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>>132081
>I want to see the core idea that causes people to start writing a fanfic in the first place.
>The best place to see that is the first chapter.
How many of my stories have you read? Usually the scene I wrote the entire story around doesn't happen until chapter three or four.

Last edited at Sat, Feb 21st, 2015 08:59

>>132081
>All that said, you have the creativity. There is some reason that you started writing this story, and you need to go back to that.

What sent me from the conception stage to production, like I previously mentioned, was change. How much change and what intervals the change takes place in, however, was left out of the equation. Realizing this, I confirmed my doubt about being able to have satisfactory change presented in my writing, one of the reasons I wrote in the first place.

>Don't worry about set up, execution, or themes. Just write the thing that's in your heart.

The problem with that is due to the flawed nature of my core idea that was the basis for my writing. It is flawed at a conceptual level; like you pointed out, I didn't have a set end goal, simply a series of events that lead into each other. In the end, the entire story lost its outline, and I was unable to grasp the flow I wanted.

>>132084
>How many of my stories have you read?
A few if memory serves correctly:
>Usually the scene I wrote the entire story around doesn't happen until chapter three or four.
Let me amend the statement then. I've gotten surprisingly accurate at predicting themes, word choice, pacing, and execution, to tell the general direction of a story from subtle hints set up in the first 500 words; including plot twists and character complexity, from being a reader and having to make snap decisions in that vein for years.

Because people telegraph their writing style. We can't help it. The core idea should permeate the entire work. If you're writing the story because there's going to be a falling out between Twilight and Spike, the seeds of that falling out should be in place early, because that's what the story is about.

The first words of a story should be setting the environment for the bulk of the story. That's why weather reports are so boring. There's a limited number of ways you can say 'It's a sunny day', and if the story is set indoors or on different days, that information is a waste of time.

I don't know how you would end that story, but I should see the structural building blocks of that story at the entry way.
…

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>>132073
A few of us do proofreading but it's recommended you post in a specific thread. I would recommend the Training Grounds.

If you don't get many results here, try one of these FimFiction groups.
http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/groups?group_name=editors

>>132076
Many thanks friend!

>>131184
I'm glad you're up to the part where you don't listen anyways.
It lets me know when my time is being wasted effectively.

At least your tags don't suck this time. What do I mean?
You know which tags don't work on Love Songs? Mane 6-Angel-DJ Pon3-OC.

The youtube link out of the box is tasteless. So tasteless I'm actually opting out of reading this.

Entirely.

Congrats. I'm sure it's worth something being able to terrify me out of looking at a fanfic without resorting to twincest or bloodsport.…

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>>131190
-_-

>>132054
> -_-

You did ask.

>>131997
>All the Kim hate
I thought he was tolerable. Granted, if he'd gone any more off the deep end in regards to those... interests of his, my opinion might have darkened a bit.

>>132057
Interesting choice of picture, considering /fic/ is pretty much a bleached skeleton of its former self, but I prefer to think that's more indicative of a form of transcendence to another realm than its untimely death.

>>132066
> a form of transcendence to another realm than its untimely death.
It has achieved it's perfect form, stumbling into a nagging voice that hopefully makes people stop, look at what they're doing, declare it to be shit and start over.
Shambling horrors FTW.

>All the Kim hate
Ehh, I'm 50/50 myself. No one is entirely terrible, and everybody gets a free edgelord phase. No reason to upgrade to hate really.

Whelp, I've got a first chapter to read, and dreams to crush.

>>132066
>>132069
It's deserved, trust me. Kim's like a fireball. The closer you are, the more you get burned.

>>121845
I did not, no. Spambot, I imagine.

>>121846

I'm sorry to be a bother but is this story still underway? If it is already done is there some way to get to it? Yes I do know the thread has been dead for almost a year, I'm just wondering if I can continue reading your great literature.

One last post bump for the grandaddy of /fic/. Celestia speed, you magnificent bastards.

Figured it'd be fitting to end the thread with a picture like the original.

That's a neat accomplishment list you've got there. Nice to see new young authors still at it. Keep writing.

I don't even remember my tripcode. It's been so long. I hope that's the right one.
I was a reviewer in a sense. I was more useful as an editor I think. I have no regrets. Editing fics gave me an edge that none of my classmates had. I made some sick English papers. Now I've graduated community college. I want to be a locksmith. I don't have the drive to do what I once did for /fic/. It was fun while I was here. I feel bad for making such good friends, only to fade away like I did, and am still doing. Life goes on though. My life is just beginning.

>>132048
Isphone, you are a true bro. I believe it's you even though you don't remember your tripcode. I remember you. I'm so happy to see you've found a passion in life. Having a passion is what's really important in life, I think. Because without some obligatory basal impetus, like that of a protagonist in a story, numero uno becomes that much less interesting. Maybe our obsession with writing pony stories that much better gave us some practice with seeing just how far we could take an obsession despite its inherent absurdity, being a fringe pastime associated with a cult fandom of a TV show meant for kids. Let us take that spark beyond /fic/, beyond My Little Pony, and beyond the internet.

Also, Incidentally I remember my trip artificially via some web browser thing.

Also, I want to come out and say >>131460 was me. Yea, OP, cheer up and watch something different, or go outside and stare at dirt or somethings. The world is full of wonder.

>>132049
Good to see you, and those are very fine words you speak. I hope, as you do, that they help those in need of uplifting, but I learned in life that people go about stress and stuff like that in their own way. No one really knows exactly how someone else feels. I can only really say that there are many who wish you the best, OP.
I got rid of most of my pony reaction images when I changed computers. I'm still a brony, I just don't have my hands intertwined in the living breathing guts of the fandom anymore. So... here's the wool lion head from Samurai Cop.

>>132042
Here's everything marked "Dark" from my favorites list on Fimfiction
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17548/forever-faithful
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/213348/i-am-demon
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/123632/the-pony-on-the-wall
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/68356/pegasus-device
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/44465/2d-pony
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/168322/the-devils-trick
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/160710/moments
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23282/black-equinox
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/38220/ponystar-celestia
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28892/memories-of-a-changeling

>>132043
Oh wow, thanks, I'm not very good at finding anything

>>132044
You can also use Fimfiction's filter options to search for what you want. Here's a list of The top rated Dark, not-Comedy stories under 50k words
http://www.fimfiction.net/stories?tags%5B%5D=g%3Adark&tags%5B%5D=-g%3Acomedy&order=top&maximum_words=50000

There's actually a statistics tab under stories to check what incoming links are involved.

So some people still read things from here. Also, there's the adbots, they like everything.

>>131459

I actually didn't know about this place until it showed up in statistics.

>>131462
Ah, well, welcome. Around here we show stories a different kind of love: tough love. We're in the business of critiquing your story to death so you can turn it into a beautiful little work of literature that even harsh critics will enjoy. We've been around since early 2011, though the system back then wasn't nearly as sophisticated as it is now.
/fic/ We help Authors acquire better writing skills. Tell your friends.

intresting

Huh, much better than the last two.

This one could actually get some votes in your favor.
I could even be swayed to change my vote if it was positive enough.

>>130891

Links to the other crossovers would be appreciated so that I don't have you repeating something you know has already been done.

I've played Overlord, the expansion pack, Overlord 2, and Overlord: Dark Legends as well as The Elder Scrolls Oblivion and Skyrim, so hopefully I can be of help. To clarify the nomenclature, the original overlord is called the "Olderlord," the PC from Overlord is of course "Overlord," the PC from Overlord 2 is the "Underlord" because his "tower" is underground, and the PC from Overlord: Dark Legends is the "Overlad."

The first question is whether this is going to be a Trollestia universe. There have been fics reimagining Princess Celestia as a tyrant, or at least abusing her powers, which will in turn have an effect on the new overlord. I'm going to assume the answer is no, but I'd like you to at least consider Luna/Nightmare Moon, Discord, and especially King Sombra's role in your fic.

Second question is "purple minions," the hypothetical new variety of minions created when the lifeforce of one of the pony races is used instead of sheep. I would like you to at least consider a race of flying minions created from a former pegasi as among the reason for the invasion. I would also like consideration to be given to "black minions" created from Changelings.

Now a moment of headcanon: The stereotypical evil overlord was defeated by a party of eight fairly standard heroes: a halfling bard, an elf ranger, a dwarf warrior, a human paladin, a human thief, a half-giant fighter, a wizard, and a martyr. The name, race, and character class of the martyr who died in the act of defeating the evil overlord were never revealed, but we assume it to be a cleric of the Mumbler's religion. The original overlord, the Olderlord, cheated death by invading the mind of the old wizard. The martyr was resurrected by the few remaining evil minions in the broken tower to act as their temporary leade…

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I literally cannot find any other place that is both like the Story Forge and also more active. Like, wow. So, here I am, asking for help here, because I'm really desperate for some feedback here. If you know of any good groups that would help iron out a story, I'd be much glad to hear of them.

Intro
The story is split between three books, only the first of which I've plotted. Each of them is intended to be between 20k and 40k words (think "Of Mice and Men"), totaling something shy of 90k altogether. The three books together make a three-act structure, while each individual book follows a loose five-act one. I'm shooting mainly for a fable-like Adventure fic.

The Characters
Reynard is a Diamond dog who has run away from the burrow, a protagonist.
Canticlear is a gryphon, a protagonist.
Isegrim is King of the Diamond Dogs, an antagonist.

The Plot
Reynard is found running through the woods outside of Hollow Shades by Canticlear. The two go together into the settlement, where Reynard informs them that the Diamond Dogs are intending to incite a war with Equestria and take the capital by surprise force. Canticlear and Reynard are sent by train to Canterlot. Their train is derailed halfway between Hollow Shades and Canterlot.…

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>>131407
Just some questions actually.

One, why does this have to be contemporaneously placed? With the exception of Blueblood, there's no reason to do it in a modern time besides character identification. Which could open a number of alternate stories.

Two, what sort of character are you playing Celestia as? Is she a pragmatic realist or an idyllic dreamer? Who Celestia is plays a huge role how she decides to affect the plot and:

Three, what type of governments are you thinking of? I can tell your Diamond Dogs are probably tribal with a patriarchal system behind them. I can't tell what your gryphons are though.
If you're just running Canterlot as a peaceful pony kingdom, I must remind you that Canterlot is a citadel built into the side of a cliff face, ie a fort designed for city defense.

How big are you thinking this war will get, because your 5x3 act structure seems a little small for it.
People are gonna die. Risk of death makes sacrifice meaningful. The way this is structured, there's going to be visceral, Shakespearean level could-have-been-prevented-but-wasn't death.…

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>>131400
p.s. If this isn't exactly the place for this, could someone please tell me where the appropriate place is? :)