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Mar 31With the Merger coming up soon, we have created an official steam group for the combined sites. It can be found at http://steamcommunity.com/groups/PonychanSteam

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129283 No. 129283 [View]
#Reviewer

Well hello there and welcome to /fic/. Why am I welcoming you? I have no idea, considering I've not been active in the MLP fanfiction community for… well, forever, in fandom years.

My name is Umbra, and once upon a time, I raped the souls of authors treading on this blessed ground.



Just kidding, I'm only half that conceited. What I'm really trying to say is that I rather enjoy reading and reviewing, and I've been known to provide decent advice from time to time.

Those of you more familiar with me will also know that I am inconsistent as balls. I will not try to make a secret of the fact that I've been known to start a thread, disappear for months at a time, and generally drop off the map at random for entirely unknown reasons. I won't bore you with those reasons, because they're really no excuse. But I tell you this as a warning: I start review threads during certain periods in my life when I believe I'll have the time, and I do my absolute best to churn out reviews.

VERY CLEAR, however, I WANT TO BE (also Yoda), if you ask me to review something, please post knowing full well that I may never get to your story. I want to help this community because I truly love MLP fanfiction, but I have many other responsibilities in my life. This time I have a few failsafes that I hope will prevent us from reaching a point of implosion, so I'm confident we'll at least be able to keep the thread running for a while, but I can in no way guarantee continuity. That being the case, if you are posting a story in my thread, I have no problem with you posting in other review threads. In fact, so long as the other reviewer is okay with it, I would encourage that. Just make sure we each have a clean document to work on.
39 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130409
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130409
>>129329
>If you’re interested, I have a couple who might be willing to proofread this.
The story revision is complete; is that promise still good?
>> No. 130874
I enjoy writing lore. Have a gander, if you want.



Descendents from apex predators, are they? They will run when pressed."
-Colonel Commander Rudolf von Vallorheim leading the IV Grav-Dragoon Corps at the Battle of Vekke


Honour, Strength, Courage, Bravery and Duty. But a few of the traits which encompass the many virtues of the Rotenvolcke people; a society warriors, explorers, and hunters. It has been often said in partial jest by others that the Rotenvolken State was created to suit the needs of the army, rather than the army for the needs of the State. This certainly carries far more truth than whatever humorous foreign prince or Minister would care to admit.

The Kingdom of Rotenvolcke stretches across the length of the Federal Empire's borders, its territory spanning across the Galactic West along the Teutolan Veil which separates much of the Human territories from the rest of the galaxy. It was here, along this frontier, that the fighting men of the Rotenvolcke earned their reputation as dauntless and ferocious fighters. It was they who bore the brunt of the Tal'Athiim Hegemony's forces, during the Pre-Imperial age. Though ruinous and brought mankind to near annihilation, this invasion did much to set the course for the history of Man and whatever path they choose to carve for themselves in this galaxy. Being man's first real encounter with a sizable alien civilization, it did little to enamor the human kingdoms to what else could lie in this dark, and seemingly unforgiving universe. It would take a great deal of time and further conflict before humanity would find someone other than their own they could trust. Still even in this era, they look to much of the non human species with much distrust and animosity. The Rotenvolcke especially harbour much deep resentment not only for the canid-like Tal'Athiim but for anything alien.
>> No. 130875
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130875
[Title] Fluttershy's Medical Journey (Still a WIP)
[Author] Monfang
[Tags] Slice-of-life (I think.) Sad Humorous (In later chapters I hope) Cute

[Synopsis]

As great as the natural ability to understand animals is, it is not very useful when trying to treat them for their various injuries. So this left a young Fluttershy with only one option.

Medical College.

With teachers and doctors ranging from the cold to the outrageous, Fluttershy has quite a ride ahead of her to fulfill her dream of being a caretaker of her animal friends.


No. 130862 [View]
#Author #Crossover

Hello there,

I have a completed fic on fimfiction, and would like to fine tune it and create an official, finalized pdf file of the entire fic for my fans that have read it. If anyone has time to read a little or all of my fic and give me a review, I'd love to hear some feedback! This is a Doctor Whooves fanfic, which I know has been done a lot, but I wanted to put my own personal story that played out in my head down on paper.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/107028/dr-whooves-parallel-complications
>> No. 130863

Last edited at Sat, Jul 12th, 2014 14:18



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130851 No. 130851 [View]
#Single fic #Discussion #Normal

A lot of people have been wondering about Scootaloo's parents for the past few seasons and such. Some even suggested that she is an orphan which i find to be a rather silly idea. I mean just because her parents are not shown dose not maker her an orphan.. Some even suggested that due to the fact that she has no family that it is the main reason in why she idolizes rainbow dash.. But even that falls short to supporting the theory. Scootaloo's idolization of Rainbow Dash wanting her to be her sister has nothing to do with the supposed fact that she is an orphan and and has no parents, it is most likely because she is an only child and had no sister growing up which fueled this fascination with Rainbow Dash. So basically want i'm trying to say, lets all just get rid of the orphan scootaloo theory in the brony community and instead replace it with smarter and better theorys that could actually have a chance at making it to the show and becoming cannon. This thread is mainly dedicated to Scootaloo headcannon theorys and sharing are different head cannons.
>> No. 130854
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130854
>This thread is mainly dedicated to Scootaloo headcannon theorys and sharing are different head cannons.
Well, this doesn't really count as a single fic then, does it? But lets humor the idea.

> with smarter and better theorys that could actually have a chance at making it to the show and becoming cannon.
Applebloom is an orphan. Canonically. Her parents are dead and she is being raised by her older siblings and grandmother. Ergo, Scootaloo being an orphan is not out of the question, even in canon.

In four seasons, Scootaloo's parents have never appeared. Applebloom's have as falling stars. Sweetie Belle's have to the point where we know what her room looks like at both Rarity's and her Parents. Twilight's parents have. Pinkie's family has. Fluttershy is potentially disowned. Rainbow Dash's father has been seen.
Parents do exist in the universe, and the decision has been actively made to not address Scootaloo's family.
We've never seen Scootaloo's home, bed room, and she never talks about any extended family. Not to mention that all lines seem to be pointing to her being physically disabled as well from a pegasi standpoint.

So no, it's not out of the question at all.
>> No. 130856
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130856
>>130854
>We've never seen Scootaloo's home, bed room
Actually we've seen both of those. Scootaloo lives in a small house on the outskirts of town. Her parents, however, are never mentioned.

Given that we've seen how different pony races can be siblings (Pumpkin and Pound Cake) I can see the theory about her being Cheerilee's sister working. The house depicted in Flight to the Finish even fits Cheerilee's color scheme. I've never heard about the Spitfire one, but it would certainly fit. I'll be watching her intently in season 5.


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130830 No. 130830 [View]
#Discussion #Shipping

Have anyone here heard from a tripfag named BiscuitAnon? Is he producing more VNs/fics? The rumors had it that he had moved from /mlp/ to Ponychan.
>> No. 130832
You might be looking for MLPChan's /anon/ board. That's where people from /mlp/ tend to go, at least--the only threads active on this board are the Training Grounds, where writers look to get help for their stories, and Pre-reader 63.546's thread, where he posts detailed feedback for EQD rejectees.
>> No. 130837
http://boards.4chan.org/mlp/thread/18489908#p18505397
get over here
>> No. 130838
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130838
>>130837
>mfw i actually am OP.


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130785 No. 130785 [View]
#Single fic #Random

Hello! My name is Bleedin. This is my real first time in ponychan! I made a story. Can someone tell me what they think and etc.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/196107/too-much-of-a-joke

Constructive Criticism is a must.
4 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 130795
>>130787
Oh sorry bout that
>>130788
Thanks, I can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong.
>>130792
Funny.
>> No. 130803
>>130795
> Thanks, I can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong.

You see, I'm going over your bibliography right now, and you're doing the right thing at the moment. You need to be more critical though, but the best way to learn how to do that is to write more. Especially short stories.

Writing a novel is great writing practice, but I believe it's better to write a series of stories to learn how to hold a plot together. To write more is great, to plan more is bestest.

Balls Deep is not a great story to address those problems, as the concept is loose, and the goal is to release. There are four characters in the situation, but they aren't complex at all. Flash is annoyed, Redheart is more a fixture and a plot point, The Doctor is annoyed, Flash's member is inflamed.

Porn generally isn't well known for character studies, but that's part of what's missing here. There's not enough character to follow. Flash is the pizza man in Italian 70's porn, not really a relatable character. In this case, his member is a separate character who has desires unrelated to Flash.

I'm saying that it seems that you broke the rule in which every character should desire something before entering the story.
>> No. 130836
>>130803
I see, okay, I'll try to make depth.


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30348 No. 30348 [View] [Last 50 posts]
TL;DR: I review stories and people appear to think I’m quite good. Go to >>17970 to see if you want my help and I shall oblige, assuming you agree that I can take as long as I need to do it. I am particularly interested in helping fledging artist, although established ones can come as well.

Greetings to all those that happen to read this sentence, I welcome you to my review thread. I originally came here to help new writers improve their stories by using a bit of my experience and knack for story making as to make sure their stories were as good as they could make them. Work, time and family (in addition to the fact that most of the people I attempted to help left without a trance) however conspired against me going to individual threads to help people.

Thus, I made this thread >>17970 where people could come over and ask me to give them my sincere opinion about their stories and how I think they could improve their plots or their writing (sometimes both). Considering how much it grew and how little time I still have, I have decided to make another thread as to make it easier to go through (300+ post are also a hell to load on slow internet).

Now, here are some rules for you:

1.)I request you keep cordial at all times, any conflicts you might have with another poster I kindly request you keep it out of my thread. I respect everyone that enters and I can only hope you also respect me enough to do this.

2.)This thread is made with the specific point of helping improve the stories present to the best of my ability and as such I ask you to expect only blunt, if respectful, comments about your story. I shall only praise you if truly deserve it.
397 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130829
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130829
>>130825
Yeah, he left a while ago. Made a big post about it too. You can probably still find him via his email, though.
>> No. 130833
>>130829
>>130829
Wait, where did he made this post?
>> No. 130834
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130834
>>130833
Oh gosh that was so long ago I wouldn't even know where to look. I checked the catalog and couldn't find anything. It was right around the great /fic/ divide back in late 2012. He said something about us not needing him, and how the board had become what he'd set out to make it into. It was totally weird, but yeah, he's gone. like a unicorn into the sun, or (dare I say it?) A samurai in the wind.


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69377 No. 69377 [View] [Last 50 posts]
Okay, I'm going to try this. I've been doing A LOT of reviews in other places, but have been shying away from an official thread on ponychan. This is mostly because I didn't want to let anyone down for not being on schedule. However, I'm really going to try and stick with this, and give people what they need.

So, let's get the preliminaries out of the way.

RULES
----------------------------------------------

1) TITLE. TAGS. DESCRIPTION. If you don't have them, GET THEM!
2) If your google doc is not open to adding comments, then it won't get any. You'll get a review, but it will only be generalized. THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!
3) I will review mature stories, but DO NOT post them in this thread! If I see a link to them, I will report you. Instead, send an email to my mature review email: [email protected], and place a post saying that you sent it. I don't check it that often, so if you don't put a notification post, I'm liable to forget it's there.
4) Keep humans out of it. Unless you're writing a parody, I don't want any HiE or PoE. Again, there are plenty of other review threads for that.
5) NO WHINING! This isn't a hugbox. It's a review thread. If you're not mature enough to handle constructive criticism, then get out of my thread.
233 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 84934
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84934
>>80336

No comments, since they weren't enabled in the doc.



Story: 20%

Twilight and Spike rob ponies. I... really don't know what to say to this. I honestly can't even see Spike doing this, let alone Twilight. This entire premise is questionable.

Beyond that, the biggest problem I saw was OOC moments. The FlutterxMac simply came out of nowhere, and has nothing to do with the rest of the plot. Pinkie Pie accidentally burning confectionaries?! That's almost as bad as Twilight messing up a spell. Twilight wouldn't call Spike names, even if she was trying to wake him up, and Pinkie Pie would not use "get your flank in here" at any time, period.
>> No. 88685
Hey, don't worry about getting to my fic, I was able to find someone else. I didn't realize you were closing your thread so soon after I posted here.
>> No. 130816
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130816
>>130815
>Two year necro


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78823 No. 78823 Autosaged [View] [Last 50 posts]
EqD Link: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/story-end-of-ponies.html
Fimfiction Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1571/The-End-of-Ponies
Thread Pic: http://darkflame75.deviantart.com/art/Harmony-Stargazing-277483149

Title: The End of Ponies

Author: short skirts and explosions

Description: A horrible Cataclysm has turned all of Equestria into a Wasteland of barren ash and twilight desolation. The Sun and the Moon have been destroyed. Everypony has died--including Princesses Luna and Celestia. But one pony miraculously survives; she is a lone wanderer, the last of her kind, surrounded by menacing creatures that hate her. She navigates the Wastes in an airship and scavenges off the blighted landscape to keep herself alive.

Then one day she meets an old companion who grants her a gift, the chance to go back in time to the warm and sunny days of Ponyville, where her dead friends live in happiness. How far will the last pony venture into these joyous days of Equestria, even if she fully knows that there is no way to change the horrible fate of everypony she loves?

426 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130814
>>130806
>>130806
>>130806
Huh... so I wasn't crazy when his new work felt more and more like attention horseing wrecks.
>> No. 130983
Que nike Hyperdunk est devenu important plus tôt selon un Kobe Bryant. Kobe a secoué ces âges Hyperdunk dos. Ceux entraîneur d'athlétisme est habituellement relié avec l'ensemble le plus désiré de nike de chaussures de balle de golf de l'instant. Il suffit juste précisément spécifiquement précisément une vérité obtenir plus d'un câble de navigation toute la journée dans l'atmosphère méchant Ils ont reçu les marchandises Vainqueur minutes avant le prochain. Doit avoir été utile que le mettre hors tension Honoré, Si vous avez acheté le premier type de création de qui a mis dans quantité tout au long des années chérissent les premières corvettes, Peut-être certainement parcourant groupe aurait pu être utile de 50 cycles de croissance nouvelle. Mais ce nombre des premiers iphones de pomme aka premières chaussures nike continuent à être encore presque tout le monde Qu'ils ont une Gardez à la foule Et puis je doit être avant le Jones ' Penser qu'il est normal de le infondées.

Histoire de la marque: club de golf nike hommes jr TW 2010 boot (Blanc / Noir / Argent métallisé métal précieux) fait jr. les joueurs recevront généralement noble jouabilité concurrence, en plus de rembourrage forme correcte pour TW Golf 2010 de baskets Nike. Temps préoccupation offre un casual ont une vue, La semelle intermédiaire en Phylon complète délai génère absorption des chocs fabuleux pour la journée de luxe et le coude action plate-forme apporte lignes traitent en mouvement autour d'avoir le naturel de votre pied de la famille. Des points et des installations de vente: DÉPERLANT artificielles naturelles synthétiques ensemble des ménages dessus mesure pleine semelle intermédiaire en Phylon nike influence panier coude Scorpion Stinger surtensions et en plus de la solution reine de LOK,

La question est de savoir delaware Mero, Et même pour les déserts moins comme la contrainte au niveau mondial, est en général il ya beaucoup de temps, leur désir, outre la capacité de destinations internationales les plus riches pour aider à payer la sécurité notamment des Virunga. Pourrait bien signifier payer des individus pou
>> No. 130993
Trouvé quand il s'agit de Guangzhou, les conducteurs de Noël ont couru sur une immense esplanade horloge ronde de la gare. Considérant réseau ferroviaire est en fait assez pour le bouquet grand, Le touriste est tout simplement autorisé à entrer dans l'océan avant longtemps auparavant faire une personne de enseigne. Un grand nombre acheter beaucoup de jours d'attente souvent autour de jardin en basical mettre sur les quartiers produites en hauteur en termes de barricades de fer.

J'ai un ami qui allait toujours en Thaïlande il ya seulement une dizaine d'années à la recherche trekking. Il a complété grâce à l'utilisation d'un grand nombre du total de leurs villes les plus faibles tout en allégué qu'il était probablement choqué de voir précisément comment tout le monde était agréable. Il a visité un enseignement dans leur choix où les enfants sont effectivement s'amusent petite ligue. Fournit un moyen facile et confortable conformes à certainement pied de main supplémentaire. Coton Kanchipuram est l'une parmi la célèbre bon spectre inclus dans le bas de porcelaine. KANCHIPURAM homme fait saris de fibres ont une option de vente notamment en place le monde de l'information de.

Voici plusieurs chaussures de formation croisée qui ont tous Shox pour les gars. Essai répétitif et ceux yooughout sûrement posséder, simple fait qu'ils sont lourds, Et aussi des pâtes de la peau haut de forme à cette personne. Je les achète pour votre terrain en ce qui concerne pied, En ajoutant 1938, Gucci a inventé le long de l'obtention d'un spécialiste a dû être brisé dans la capitale italienne. Gucci a été la raison de faire de l'emploi très majoritaire de décision sur les ressources de prêt à tempérament à court terme. En l'espace de 1947, Gucci a lancé le type de égyptiens draps de coton ressemble peu après chaussures Gucci, pourrait bien souvent être généralement un chef des affaires financières.

Ici, nous sommes à ceux plus importants MenuCelebrationsFraud PreventionManage ANNONCEPLACER un AdThe think brandi une barre de la maison de pistolet darkgray et a ordonné de


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130570 No. 130570 [View]
#Author #Single fic #Discussion #Crossover

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/193678/a-vampire-in-equestria
chapter one of my fanfic is done, it's just a prologue but I would like some feedback and some advice, constructive criticism is welcome
4 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 130626
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130626
>>130570
Oh, so you're not going to respond, are you?

That's fine. You're not the first, and you wont be the last.
I gave your story a chance, I spelled out what I couldn't understand and didn't like about it. Instead of opening a dialogue with me, you'd rather ignore any input I've given.

And that is why people don't tell each these things. It becomes a meaningless exercise. Even talking to walls is more effective, because people can run off to enclave hugboxes where they never have to have their feelings hurt because they end up being judged by others.
>> No. 130663
>>130626
Not quite as fruitless as you would think.

Your advice is instrumental and highly regarded by a number of forum-stalkers out to improve their material.

Unfortunately, we tend to be a little shy about our thanks, nonetheless, you have my gratitude.

So don't fret you unsung hero, you!

Last edited at Sat, Jun 14th, 2014 05:50

>> No. 130784
Hello! My name is Bleedin. This is my real first time in ponychan! I made a story. Can someone tell me what they think and etc.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/196107/too-much-of-a-joke

Constructive Criticism is a must.


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86726 No. 86726 Locked Autosaged [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Discussion
Hello again, fillies and gentlecolts, and welcome to the seventh installment of the “Ask An Equestria Daily Pre-Reader Anything Thread”! Feel free to ask us anything* and we’ll do our best to answer.

*Disclaimer: Our knowledge of quantum physics is limited, so please try to keep questions on that subject to a minimum. Also magnets are kinda hard.

I’d also like to include a brief FAQ in this initial post, since we seem to hear a lot of the same questions:

Q: How long does the pre-reading process take?
A: A few days to get from Seth to us, a bit more than a week to review depending on how busy we are, then a day or two for the review to get back to the author.

Q: It’s been [Unit of time] and I still haven’t received any response. What’s up?
A: Ensure that you’re sending your story to the correct address ([email protected]). Ensure that you’re using the proper submission format, as detailed on the “Submit” page of Equestria Daily. Read over your description - stories with over five errors in the description tend to be rejected immediately. If you’re sure you’ve done all of the above and still haven’t received a response, send another email in the same thread asking about the status of your story.
408 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 92346
Derp, it's autosaging. New thread! >>92343
>> No. 92367
OK, so I just found out after checking the referral part of my story on FimFic that my story was posted to EqD, but I never received a response from the pre-readers.

Believe me, I'm not complaining at all; I was just curious about whether stories can sometimes get posted without the author getting a response.
>> No. 130760
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130760
This thread hasn't been posted in for 2 years, and for some reason is attracting a lot of spambots, so I'm locking it.


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130597 No. 130597 [View]
#Discussion #foalcon

Whats your reaction to foalcon fics?
2 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 130602
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130602
What's the story?

Because my favorite Rainbow Dash story is still one involving time travel, age discrepancy, and incest. Or is that just masturbation when time travel is involved?

Anyways, it depends on the story. Because that's what I want. A story, full of characters that have an impact on the progression of the story. Sometimes that involves foalcon, sometimes that involves cupcakes, sometimes that involves Human Self Insertion OCs (less commonly the third though).
>> No. 130607
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130607
>>130602
>incest. Or is that just masturbation when time travel is involved?
Whoa. That's a good question
>> No. 130617
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130617
If you do a timeshift to an appropriate age or get some flirting going on without extreme scenes, i'm okay with it.

I'm not comfortable to read about underage ponies sexing up grown up ponies.


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130537 No. 130537 [View]
#Discussion

Although I didn't like the first patty cakes the second one was actually good.
10 posts omitted. (Expand)
>> No. 130606
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130606
>>130605
You're on ponychan, posting about fics, and you're worried about the mods knowing about a diaper fetish?
There are way worse situations to be in.
>> No. 130611
>>130605
The only people I care about knowing are people in real life.
>> No. 130855
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130855
>>130611
For the record:

Seriously? You're posting anonymously on a Kusaba-X imageboard. Granted, the mods might through six degrees of separation have some contact with people you actually know, but really, what are the odds they're going to go through the trouble to make those connections?

Anyone with this kind of fear either knows the mods personally and knows that they know someone in common, and is flirting with the prospect of revealing themselves (in which case their fear is silly, or what gets them off) or is worried that the mods will actually do an RDNS lookup on their IP address, somehow acquire their address/contacts via their ISP's records, and then embarrass them. Which is also silly, considering the effort that would take and what other crap the mods have to put up with on a daily basis.

Then there's the NSA...

Last edited at Tue, Jul 8th, 2014 20:33



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130586 No. 130586 [View]
#Author #Discussion

Hello, everyone! Jetfire here. I'm sure a lot of you have heard by now, but I wanted to set up an official base camp here just to spread the word a bit more. Did you like "It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door," but were a little let down because there were clear hooks for a sequel that never came?

Well, I hope I can satisfy you. I've begun work on a sequel story. Let me know what you think.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/183040/besides-the-will-of-evil
>> No. 130599
>>130586
Are you excited? 'cause I'm excited!


No. 130566 [View]

What happened to 413.fimchan
It says the site is up but not loading
>> No. 130567
Sorry meant fim.413chan


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128162 No. 128162 [View] [Last 50 posts]
#Review Thread #Queue Slots: 2 #Serviced: 27

There is no "absolute" in this mundanity. Occasionally you get lost facing unreasonable burdens. In order to overcome, you need a firm conviction, penetration, and the ability to take action.

It's been a while, has it not? I'll begin this thread (quote notwithstanding) with a brief introduction: I call myself Nicknack in this fandom, but you may call me Nick for short if you please. I've been a writer and reviewer in this fandom, off and on, since March of 2011, and in that time, I've probably read, pre-read, edited, and revised over four hundred stories—though only thirteen of those are my own. For nearly a year, I've slacked on the "helping others" portion of writing; in my defense, I just wanted to get some projects finished. However, I've come to the realization that I'm always going to have a writing project or two on my plate, so it doesn't make sense to slack on paying forward the help that I've received on my own stories.

So then, a brief overview of the bi-directional expectations of this thread:

From me, you can expect that I will read your story and mention things I dislike and like about it. This is the fundamental role of a reviewer, and I seek to start there. If you have a particular focus you want me to give when reading your story, I will try to oblige; if you want your review done in a particular format, I will try to oblige. You can reach me on gmail at [email protected], or you can reach me on Skype for instant messaging at simply "nicknack137" (minus the quotes).

You cannot expect that I will edit any text in your story or leave a quota of comments. I will leave comments in a Google Docs file if the permissions are available, however, this will be a "as I see the need" basis.

To give myself as much balanced time as possible, I'm limiting the queue of stories I will take on at any
140 posts omitted. (View thread)
>> No. 130235
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130235
>>130201

I left a bulk of my comments in-doc. After sitting on this for a while, my biggest thoughts are that the opening scene needs to be a little bit streamlined, you have a slight issue with passive action from time to time, and not a lot of plot-relevant action happened in this chapter.

I guess the last one is kind of an issue if chapter 10 and 11 were also kind of slow, but honestly, it's been a while, so I kind of forget what happened in those <.<

Still, I'm enjoying this story quite a lot. Good luck with finishing it.
>> No. 130502
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130502
>>130200
All right, and after a month of completely forgetting about this waiting for a good time to do this, I've finally read your story.

You've let me keep this brief, since there's not too much I've got to say about this. The opening scene's setting needs a little tweak or so, and I commented on things that took me out of the story, but as usual, your writing's fairly clean.

One thing I did notice when I looked back over the first scene is that almost every paragraph had a variation of "Dialogue," speaker [verbed], [gerunding]. "More dialogue." I missed it the first time around because I sort of instinctively glossed over them, but I do feel it's worth bringing up.

Same thing with Derpy and the bee. It's an okay addition to the scene, as it gives it some flavor, but I'm not sure if it carried enough weight to deserve ending the scene with. There was also some distance between the first mention of the bee and the final comment on it; I'm not entirely sure that Twilight wouldn't have forgotten about it naturally when more important information presented itself.

Finally, I'm not sure how much resolution this was supposed to have. Right now, it feels like you end this story right when the largest conflict (Tone's grief) is introduced, and worse, the overarching conflict (Twilight trying to make a friend) doesn't really get hammered home for her. She realizes she's done a bad thing, but she doesn't really go anywhere with it; instead, she just stands there as Tone walks away, and... that's the end.

My problem with how Tone's "secret" is revealed is that it begs the question of why he's avoiding singing. He says he feels no passion for it, but that sounds like an excuse to cover up his grief; I don't think that people ever really give up something they're passionate about without losing a part of themselves. How does Tone feel about not singing
>> No. 130565
>>128162

Title: My Second Chance

Synopsis: What if everyone gets a second chance? This is exactly what a human named Joel Summers gets. After dieing in a tragic car accident that left his body nothing but a pile of goo and bones, he ends up in a magical world full of talking colorful horses.

Word count currently: 32,079

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/160506/my-second-chance

Comments: I've hit not just a block, but a wall. Although now I'm working on chapter 8 and I'm hoping a review might give me some inspirational ideas. This is also the first fanfiction I have ever worked on.


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