>>130557
Huh. Buggy system. This was my recommendation.

>>130557
>>130558
Well, I got good news and bad news.

The good news is that you won't have to worry about the story no more.

The bad news is that its gone.

>>130561
He ended his url with a period. Remove it and the page will load just fine.

>>130455
Awesome, Minty. I forgot h2g2 even existed. Thanks bunches.

>>130440
Just following up: I decided to go the straight Icelandic route, figuring anyone who cared enough would do an in-line translation or cut/paste. Results are here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93845/6/fine-steps/in-which-three-venture-forth
Larger story arc is, of course, here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93845/fine-steps

For those who remember, this is a collection of side-stories from the Order from Chaos/Justice/Hope trilogy.

Last edited at Mon, Jun 2nd, 2014 14:19

>>130546
>>130546
>Twilightsnarkle is alive
I just need one more revival and I'll claim whoever is doing it is jesus.

>>130526
"Earth?" She repeated once more, the gesture now becoming rather annoying for you to listen too. Leaning in closer, she took two more steps towards you, craning her neck downward to be at your level. "I understand you are from this planet, what I meant was, what land, do you hail from?" You gave her a sort of stink eye, as if she was mocking your very limited intelligence, you fire back,

"Listen you, I don't know what you are or where I am, but I think you owe ME an explanation as to whats going on, for starters... am I dead?" Celestia shrunk back as you pointed an accusing finger at her along with a raised voice, it was enough to make the guards in the room twitch, apparently they still saw you as a threat. Celestia gave you the same confused look she had been giving you for most of the conversation, focusing only on the last part of your reply. She started slowly and awkwardly,

"Well, by the looks of it, you appear to be alive and moving, as for where you are, you are currently in the holding cells of the Royal Castle in Canterlot, and as for what I am, I am an Alicorn, I am the Co-Leader of this domain. Does that satisfy all your questions?" She spoke in a very motherly tone, that gave you some comfort, but the frustration of the situation still caused you to curl up into a ball, retracting your arms and legs and burying your head in the middle of it, and you screamed into your cocoon,

"NO THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, HOW AM I ALIVE, WHY AM I HERE, HOW IS ANY OF THIS POSSIBLE?!" Sensory overload seemed to be getting the best of you as all the thoughts swirled in your head, driving you mad as they stung your brain like a swarm of angry bees. Celestia ears crimped back, going flat against her head, the very sight of you screaming like that was enough to make her cringe, not just out of sympathy, but the fact that it was a very loud scream...

>>130528
The Solar Princess could only watch as you rocked back and forth, bumping against the cell wall over and over, though she was armed with her magic, you could still deal a quick blow at the distance you stood if provoked, which was the only thing keeper her from coming over to console you. Eventually, screams turned into tears, and tears to sniffles as you slowly calmed down, your face gone red, skin stinging from your own tears, you looked like a mess and you knew it, but it didn't matter to you. You deflated from your fortified ball, allowing your legs to wind outward as you slouched onto the floor, until only your head was pushed upward by the corner of the wall and the floor. You looked at the distraught mare in front of you, also taking note of the guards, the aggression you saw before in their eyes had turned into sympathy. Celestia's comforting smiling had long vanished, and she eyed you once again as you laid on the ground, searching for any clue that could tell her what had happened to make you act in such a way, her search was however, in vain. Her entire purpose shifted with your breakout, she began cautiously,

"I'm so sorry Anonymous... I wish I could help you, but I must know what happened to you first." She was very direct with her intent, and even in your state, you could process her request. You took yet another deep breath from the thick chamber, and began your testimony,

"I was trying to kill myself, so I drank bleach... After that, I woke up here, I thought for sure I was dead, but then I wander into your town, you knock me out, and haul me here, that's all I know." You try to be concise and to the point so she may understand easily. The room went silent, Celestia shooting you an uneasy look, eyes widened, taking a few steps back.

"You, tried to kill yourself?" she asked very bluntly.

"Yup,"

"But you ended up here instead?"…

Read more >>

Well, we do welcome the creativity around here. Here's a few things you could work on.

>Tense shifting
You rapidly switch between present and past tense throughout the story, so it makes your writing sound funny. You've also got a lot of words that are simply the wrong form.
>they couldve been more [appreciate] for your good graces

>Runon sentences
You string several thoughts together into one massive sentence, with far too many pauses an commas. Break those up and they'll look much cleaner.
>You remember groaning painfully, then as you put a hand to your face to block out the sun, you blinked multiple times, as if to refresh your vision, and turning to the left, you saw an oak tree, not that you knew anything about trees, but it looked, oak-y enough.
This should be about three or four sentences.

>noone…

Read more >>

Crap, I remember that... let me see if I can figure out what fic it was from.

Dammit, this is going to bug me...

>>130471
That scene is from Cold in Gardez's excellent adventure fic _The First Light Of Dawn_: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1001/the-first-light-of-dawn
The passage you're talking about is the opening of the chapter "The Roof Of The World": http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1001/5/the-first-light-of-dawn/the-roof-of-the-world

>>130494
Oh my goodness, you're awesome. Thanks so much man!

>>130499
>See, this is the kind of stuff I wish people told me on FiMFiction!
That's the whole reason I came here in the first place. Welcome to /fic/, where we aren't afraid to eviscerate your soul if the betterment of your story requires it. Tell your friends.

Seriously though, traffic around here is pretty low. Once upon a time there was a dedicated team of dozens of enthusiastic editors around here that would lie in wait for a wandering author to offer up their work for harsh scrutiny. Sadly most of them moved on when traffic began to slow down, and there's only about four of us left now. I thank you once again for your willingness to listen, and for the opportunity to help you. They are a rare treat, both of them. Good luck, and keep writing.

Last edited at Sun, May 25th, 2014 07:40

>>130500
I remember those days. I had a CMC story I was working on, and the people here were kind enough to completely tear it to shreds for me! Looking at the story now, I think I just want to start it over completely, but that's beside the point.

>>130499
>>130500
The difference is that this place is explicitly here to be full of reviews and criticism, and it's an imageboard BBS, which lends itself well to a certain kind of post frequency and dialogue.

Often, people just won't leave comments of any kind on fiction sites not because they've got nothing to say, but because they don't think their comments are meaningful, don't want to engage in a discussion about things over that medium, don't want the attention, or just can't express the things they wish to express over the medium given to them by fiction-collecting sites like fimfiction or fanfiction.net or the like. People don't comment on blogs, youtube videos, and other things for the same reasons, too.

>>130507
hey man. not much, just bored and felt like funposting on different boards :)

You need more capitalization. Plus:
> she later became at pretty pone
I think you mean a pretty pone

For a four act piece, I can see it working. I think you'll want to add some meat, especially with the second part in which she becomes a pretty pone.

I find it interesting that you've chosen to take the angle that her life is unchanged. Perhaps you can play up the discordance in the fact that becoming pretty does not give her additional friends.

If you want to go the full chekhov, the beautification process is also most likely the origin of the cancer, and the ugly pony could have abandoned the people used to become pretty, and she can realize the emptiness of popularity did not actually make her happy.

I really think you have the basis for the /fic/ Citizen Kane if you put some effort behind it.

Last edited at Mon, May 26th, 2014 21:04

>>130509
oh wow. thanks

Hi!
I'm going to tell you things you probably don't want to hear.

I've attempted to read this story on three occasions today, and while I'm sure my low tolerance can be attributed to being ill, this story grates on me in terrible ways. Which is interesting, as I can't get through the prologue.

Let me attempt to address why:

BR is correct, your summary/synopsis is trash. I would say the other word, but I'm saving my f-bomb for when I get really angry.

> AKA, the Pony Holocaust,
Structurally, that should be a period, and or use more colons and semi-colons. I would almost read something with the synopsis of:
> AKA: The Pony Holocaust…

Read more >>

>>130461
>>130467
...yeah. What Misty said, really. I was gonna get cute and clever with the Twain and Vonnegut quotes but, honestly, this seems like you've lost your way between 'story' and 'dry as a sandworm's fart headcanon'.

>>130469
I blame Misty/Minty on my phone's spellcheck and fatigue. That is all.

>>130427
> the posting from word messed up the spacing,

Which has no effect on things like:
> Applebloom walked up to me “Ah’m Applebloom, and that green pony over there is Granny Smith, by the way, what exactly are y’all? Ah’ve never seen anything like y’all before.”
Which needs at least a comma in the transition to dialog, then proceeds into a clumsy character introduction that doesn't need to be there, which ends with a sloppy run on sentence.

> AJ Lassoed Big Mac and hogtied him “Now listen here! This is the stallion I was telling y’all about!”
Lasso is capitalized why?

There's way more problems than you can blame on word changing the spacing.
…

Read more >>

>>130430
Ok... I suck at writing, but I enjoy people reading my stuff... you really know how to hit a guy where it hurts...

Last edited at Wed, May 14th, 2014 15:27

>>130431
I didn't say you suck at writing, I said you have problems.

You know how to get past the point where you have problems? Try to address them.

Here's what I did say:
> You do start In Media,
Starting In Media Res is a great way to grab the readers attention. Things are happening, and they can follow that. This is a good thing.

> but you have two problems out of the gate. I as a reader don't care about Slenderman, and you've done nothing to introduce me to your human character.
There are ways to address this. There's no one way to address this. You can make Slenderman the main character. It becomes a fic about Slenderman + Ponies. I don't think this is what you want to do.
…

Read more >>

>>130403
>I don't think I'm allowed to link the thing directly.
That's fair. Thanks for the tip, that was just as delicious as the first time, and even more so with those last hundred or so words. You're right, it adds sooo much to the story.

>>130404
> You're right, it adds sooo much to the story.

I know right?
It changes the entire story, from "Why would Pinkie kill Rainbow Dash" to "Something's Wrong in Equestria".

To many people and revisions focus on the acts going on. Murder, torture, insanity. The fact that the common version ends with Pinkie 'making a friend', just makes it seem like Pinkie is insane.

By adding that extra scene, where she's training a student, the whole thing gains a global sense of darkness. Sure Pinkie is insane still, but it's an insanity common enough that other people are helping her.
It could mean that the Cakes are involved too. It could mean that Pinkie was trained by someone else. It means she's good enough that she hasn't been caught, and is training the next one to be good enough to not be caught. It could go all the way up, where it's a well known, but secret practice.

The Murder-Torture combo is worse because there isn't malice in Pinkie's actions. She believes that she's helping.She's teaching Applebloom to help in the same way. …

Read more >>

>>130405
Yeah, I totally get the same feel, especially the way Pinkie mention's Gilda's number never came up, or that she was so excited that it was Dashie, as though she didn't really have a say in the matter. Or How she's okay handing it off to Apple Bloom, saying she forgot. This indicates that while she enjoys doing it, it's being done for a reason, which is supported by the line 'this one'.

The whole thing reminds me of the loom from Wanted.

>>130318
Do I really have to go over this?
*sigh*
All right.

There is more to this world than black and white. I am sure you can look out your window and see many, many things that fall outside of the two shades, even if you look through colour-removing lenses. For simplicity's sake, we shall think only in monotone for this example. Look at any older movie, or older photograph, and you will see many shades of gray in the picture, even though it's called just "black and white." There is a whole slew of a pallet that isn't covered. Why, then, are you so stuck on those two?

There isn't a binary selector switch that says 'simple' on one side and 'complex' on the other. There are degrees in the middle. So, yes, the characters in Redwall are kinda simple, especially when compared to works like, say, Song of Ice and Fire. On the other hand, they are complex when compared to other works such as, say, g3 My Little Pony.

Recycling characters shows a simplicity of execution, not a simplicity of character. Please note the difference.

But you wanted examples. Let's talk about the ones you provided, first. Your claim that…

Read more >>

>>130328
>>130328


In the earlier books his main characters were a bit more unique. Martin, Matthias, Luke, and a couple of others. But I did say in my previous post that the heroes of Redwall tended to have some degree of differentiation. In his later books, not so much.

But the more I read over this topic the more off topic it gets. this is a pony thread not a redwall thread.

>Regardless of who first made the motion, you have picked sides. Please do not argue for an idea then opt out of critical analysis by pre-emptively declaring yourself pointless. Furthermore, Minty in no way accused you of writing those statements; (s)he merely re-iterated his/her position that said statements are incorrect. (S)he is re-iterating the statement that got you arguing in the first place, so I hardly think it incongruous to bring those statements back into the fray

Minty was arguing fan speculation as if it were fact. So yeah not taking what she said seriously makes a whole lot of sense to me
…

Read more >>

>>130333
> My only intention was to defend G1. The ponies that had considerable focus were not vapid or pallet swaps. That's all I really wanted to say before we threw this off the rails.
Well that would have saved lots of time.
I said that G1 was prone to hopping through characters, which is true because Hasbro likes making money and wanted to advertise multiple pony models.
You want me to not say they're vapid or character swaps. I can pull back on that, that's debatable till the cows come home. Subjective statements are like that.

> Minty was arguing fan speculation as if it were fact. So yeah not taking what she said seriously makes a whole lot of sense to me
Ohmehgawad, speculation on /fic/. THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
Now I'm pissed about the Rainbow Dash thing. Because you want episode references now:

>>130306
> You made that part up about Gilda completely.…

Read more >>

>>130378
Thanks for trying!

>>130376
Rocky Road starts off with the titular character getting his nads pressed from the third dimension to the second. Early fanfic in the fandom, I remember it being decent enough read and a brief skim of it now hasn't changed that opinion.

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-rocky-road.html

Have at 'er.

Oh, and after the first page it goes male/male shipping, FYI.

Last edited at Fri, May 9th, 2014 01:41

>>130389
I show up from time to time just to see how things are. I mostly help pitch in with pre-reading for close friends like NickNack every once in a while (though that doesn't necessarily involve coming here). So yeah.

>>130354
Nothing comes to mind off the top of my head, but I don't really read fanfics extensively.

Instead, I can offer a few guidelines based on the structure of many episodes:

1) It may be obvious, but remember the audience you're writing for. You're not writing for the fandom at this point, but you're writing for 6-9 year old children. This is mostly a content warning; you shouldn't scrimp on plot or character development because "fuck 'em, they're kids." Lauren Faust didn't take that approach, and look how great the show started off because of it.

If you want adult humor, do it subtly. Aim over the kids' heads, but don't dwell too long on the (Spiked) punchline.


2) The episodes work best when they're coherent. Meaning, the lesson needs to be a good one to teach kids, and the rest of the plot needs to organically lead up to it. Look at Call of the Cutie as an example of what not to do. The lesson was this:
…

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>>130354
This one always felt like a cute little episode to me.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/06/story-words-failed-her.html

I don't know of many others, though.

Here are two that feel like episodes of the show:

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/11893/free-ride-on-the-friendship-express
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/20764/my-faithful-student

>>128118
Wow, depressing much? I'll just ignore whatever state I must have been in to say that I'm back now, and while I don't have eons of time on my hands like I used to. I do enjoy doing reviews on days when I can't seem to write anything, so, in short. I'm open for business once again.

>>128094
You're first in line, as you made your bid before I made the lock. You still around?

>>130250

Well, I'm glad I recognize a familiar face. Hope you've been well. May your thread live on and prosper. :)

Yes, this thread is alive, there's just very little activity.

And no longer anything in the queue.

>>128094
Sorry, but the writing in this is very poor, and I don't think it's worth me looking at it until you've cleaned it up a lot. Try out one of the other review threads around here (if any are still active) and come back when you've fixed it up.

>>130307
Hmmm...

I will suggest this one.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51062/equestrias-secret-service
It's long, so I'll only ask for first chapter. Of course, this is my story, so this is kind of a shameless self-promotion, but I really am interested in hearing your interpretation on it. However, if you are violently opposed and/or allergic to such self-promotion, you may pass this by without comment, and I shall sit here on the curb with a sparkling smile on my face while eagerly awaiting the illustrious results of a painstakingly prepared and recorded version of pony words for years to come, slowly growing old and heartbroken, living off the passing charity of fieldmice and barley. Conversely, you could tell me 'no,' and then I shan't sit here on the curb with a sparkling smile on my face while {see above}.

Anyway, that's...all I have. Enjoy (or not, as you will)!

>>130314
I second this story. The first arc is awesome spec-ops stuff; I'm not sure yet where I stand on the second arc (since it's not finished yet).

I used to do this thing, but I lost interest in it eventually.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXje1Xlxb6s

>>130314
>>130330
I don't have any strong preferences, but these two usually have good taste. I'll throw in a third for this

Mh...

A cursory google search reveals that the fic has been deleted from FIMFiction, and that the story in question is decidedly NSFW (specifically, it's a clopfic).

I'm afraid that, unless the rules of this board and this site have changed since the last time I looked, I can not provide you with a link to the fic even if I could find one.

>>130375
Whoa, hey there, Drags. Didn't realize you still hung out around here.

>>OP
Dragon here is right. This board tends to be a little lax on the rules because our regulars have pretty thick hides and are very good at discretion, but clopfics (or sex for the sake of sex, to be more clear) are still a no go around here. Sorry, mate. You'll have to ask elsewhere.