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100769 No. 100769
#Reviewer #The Training Grounds

Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran alike. It isn't the only such thread, but it's usually the busiest! (Previous edition of The Training Grounds; the sticky, which contains important information)

For writers:

Submission guide | TL/DR of the submission guide | A List of TTG regulars | Submission form | List of recently-finished reviews | Reviews in progress

For reviewers:

A guide to reviewing in TTG | List of unclaimed requests

For Maintainers:

The full, current active queue | A guide to how it's all organized | Statistics and thread update BBCode

For live communication:

IRC (live chat) howto and rules (or #ttg on irc.canternet.org)

Some Notes:

  • Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome!
  • No one is infallible. If something doesn't seem right, ask about it! Whether it be about a review you've received, a fanfic submitted, or something about the queue spreadsheet, the best way to solve it is through communication.
  • If you think you've been missed: please remind us with a link to your original post.
  • Feel free to ask questions about fanfics and writing them!
  • If you respond to a post: please link to the post you are responding to.
  • Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto. Don't fear compliments either: if something makes you smile, a few kind words won't ruin your review.
  • Writers: the reviewers love to read, but will often lean towards being critical. Don't allow it to discourage you; use their criticism to improve your writing! See "Receiving Critique: Gallant" in The Editor's Omnibus and the Submission Etiquette Guide.

Helpful Documentation

How to request to be a queue maintainer:

Note: you don't have to be a maintainer to help out reviewing in this thread. What maintainers do is update and maintain the queue spreadsheet. If you review in The Training Grounds on a regular basis, and would like to help out maintaining the queue:

  1. Read / bookmark this document.
  2. Email Demetrius and say something random in that email. Post the same thing (verbatim) in this thread, preferably identifying yourself with a tripcode.
  3. When you've been given editing permissions, you may delete your random post.
Yes, I am trying to shame the people who are supposed to be writing the flavor text, thanks for asking.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 100776
>>98342
I put this request I'm about to make in the previous edition of the Training Grounds, before I realized the new thread was up. I'm reposting it here to make sure it gets seen. I would like my story, Giggle at the Gespenst, removed from the queue. I'm going to take one more look through it to make sure all the plot holes are fixed, submit it to FiMFiction, and then put it back in the queue.

Regards,
Conchshellthegeek7
>> No. 100778
>>100776

It has been done.
>> No. 100781
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit

Note: Okay, I've had my prologue and first two chapters pre-read, and the plot is finalized. I'd like whoever claims this to read all three, and tell em what you think, plot wise. If you see any grammar errors, let me know as well. I'm almost ready to resubmit this to EqD, jjust want one more set of eyes on it. Thanks!
>> No. 100784
>>100781
I haven't looked at this one before, so I can take a look at this with fresh eyes. Plotwise, you say? I can do that.
>> No. 100786
>>100784
Thank you, kind sir! Be warned, the prologue has no pony. It's just to set the tone and get them to Equestria. If after reading the whole thing you have tips on how to shorten it, so it's not as long as the normal chapters, I'm all ears.
>> No. 100790
>>100781
Well, my heart's pounding on my chest like it's trying to escape. I think that's a good sign. Here are my thoughts:

Bloodline has a good premise and a good execution of that premise so far. Yours is a very suspenseful story, and you've done a very, very good job of making your villain seem like a legitimate threat. Berry Punch will be missed. I can only assume you plan to treat her death with the proper amount of reverence and respect. My sympathies are where they should be, and I'm eager to see how the story plays out. Plotwise, Bloodline looks to be an intense thriller, and it certainly held my interest. I'm not a pre-reader for Equestria Daily, and I don't know what standards they have there, but this reads like an Equestria Daily-quality work to me. In my opinion, this is ready for submission. (Once you go through and get rid of all those reviewers' comments, that is.)
>> No. 100808
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100808
>>100790
>pic

Wow, thank you! Seriously, somebody likes my story.

Day=Made!!

Did you happen to notice any big grammar issues? I've been told I have problems with "Show, Don't Tell" as well.
>> No. 100818
Some links in the OP are broken. Could a mod please edit this thread OP's code, and paste in the contents of this file:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/57284761/TTG-Template.txt

What it looks like, without Ponychan's CSS:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/57284761/TTG-Template.html

That will help fit more helpful links above the cut-off point as well.
>> No. 100824
Dear sir or madam. Regarding your story:
At first, I was like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC-EPsvdi6E
But then I was all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8GsDRGLEsc
And in the end, I enjoyed it. I laughed. I cried.* I gasped.
*No actual crying occurred. Really. (sniffle) Shut up!

Here is the review (once again longer than the work being reviewed):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xAO3shJpd1byamdC_wkOCeOzE28cS9R_eCUGAZQulkg/edit
And here is the line-by-line commentary, in a copy of the original document:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ReYBeoX3Wvy6iJCeaJyszozPnLXsvOtuy7wkU6o76ao/edit

Also, for some reason, this story gave me an awesome idea: get a bunch of writers to collaborate on a series of short stories, all of which take place within the same one-hour period and all of which chronicle ponies trying to deal with the Changeling Crisis. Each writer would call "dibs" on a specific plot-idea or theme, and then whomp-up a shared timeline of agreed upon events. You could have cross references between all of the stories, and have characters and events viewed from all sorts of different angles. Writers could pass characters back and forth, and make references to a common pool of recognizable... stuff. There could be a major plot-twist or macguffin that doesn't appear heavily in any one story, but that makes terrifying sense once you've read all the stories. It would be a hell of a lot of work, but it'd be awesome.

I mean I think it'd be awesome.

...Maybe.
>> No. 100834
>>100808
I didn't notice any big grammar issues. I think the other reviewers handled that pretty well. As for Show vs. Tell... well, I've been told I struggle with that myself, but I didn't notice anything. Glad to hear I could be of help!
>> No. 100836
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own, as well as a motive brought about by a tragedy two decades prior.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24125/The-Zodiac-Ritual

Chapters: All

Comments: I received some amazing feedback on the prologue already, and I'm looking to get more both on it and the rest of the chapters. I have the Prologue and Chapters 1-3 done and posted. I will be updating the story every Wednesday.

This is the first real story that I've written. Don't hold back. I welcome any and all criticism. I desperately want to get better. For the love of God, if it's bad, tell me so I can fix it!
>> No. 100842
>>100839
There are /fic/ standards?
>> No. 100843
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100843
>>100842
Beyond the creation of an OP and the global rules, no.
I believe he means Minty's standards. Minty rejected it out of hand since it wasn't good enough for even him.
Looking at Minjask's post, I can already see some of the reasoning behind it.
>“Sounds like somepony loves you very much.” she said.
“Sounds like somepony loves you very much,” she said.
Pretty basic error, that. The syntax of his message also leaves something to be desired.
>> No. 100846
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100846
>>100843
Standards? That wasn't why I rejected it though.

It's number 39 on my queue. I remember why pretty clearly as it's one of the few fics I rejected while screaming 'Nope!' and recoiling from my screen in terror.
It might be fine now. I can't say.
But you really didn't warn anybody about what you put in the story.

So no, it wasn't a bad story. It had potential, and could have been cleaned up.
>> No. 100847
>>100846
By standards, I meant that I got a message saying that it violated the rules of /fic/ and had been removed. I even got a one hour ban from the site just for submitting it. I accredited you for showing me my ridiculous goof. Even my close friends didn't tell me it was that bad. Anyways I've cut the scene in question and removed any other questionable material I could find without butchering the story too much. It should be fine now.
>> No. 100848
>>100846
Right, so apparently the story is about Derpy's eye problem. With your reaction, I'm inclined to guess it was a sort of Minority Report moment (the bit where he replaces his eyes).
>> No. 100849
>>100848
Er... nope! But there's no real reason to harp on what was in that story. Suffice to say it wasn't kosher.
>> No. 100850
>>100847
Though, I'd have to point out you're still:
You need permission to access this item.

You are signed in as mintyrest @ g mail.com, but you don't have permission to access this item.

Which could cause issues for other readers.
>> No. 100852
>>100850
How about now?
>> No. 100860
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100860
>>100839
I'll take this.
>> No. 100871
I would like The Sixth Age removed from the queue. It's now queued up for another review and doesn't need to be here any more.
>> No. 100873
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100873
>>98992

This has gone on for long enough.

I've watched this thing sit for I don't know how long. I kept thinking that because it was so close to the top, someone was going to step up and do what needed to be done. I watched and waited.

Well, I'm done watching. I'm done waiting. I'm not the reviewer you asked for. I'm not even the kind of reviewer you would've wanted. But from the looks of things, I'm the best bet you've got.

I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I would rather go down in disgrace than just sit and watch this injustice go on any longer. Here, tonight, I claim Pony Effect!
>> No. 100874
>>100873

Real quick: Even apart from the fact that I'm intimidated by your fic's length, even apart from the fact that I'm not really confident that a lowly scrub like me will have anything to contribute... Fluttershy is not a pony who's close to my heart.

I'll do what I can. I'm starting to skim through your fic, but that hardly seems fair, especially because I feel like I might want to slow down and enjoy this thing... Perhaps I'll give you a cursory look, then go back and read the whole thing for context and review a second time?
>> No. 100879
>>99015
Claiming this. Why? Oh, I'll tell you why:

>Well, I'm done watching. I'm done waiting. I'm not the reviewer you asked for. I'm not even the kind of reviewer you would've wanted. But from the looks of things, I'm the best bet you've got.

I salute you, Sir! Or Ma'am, if the portrait is any indication! Equal rights for FemShep!

But this is no hollow accolade I offer. You have inspired me to review a story that is A) Way long, and B) not a story I would typically read for fun. But we're not about fun here! We're about broken pencils, sprained wrists and crushed dreams!

Rest assured, gernon with a lower case "g", that I will not be prejudicial. I may not especially like [Dark] or [Humans]. I may not like long stories. I may dislike the CMC. I may even hate your name and especially your eMail service provider, but...

I'm sure there was a point to all this. But what was it? Ah yes: I will judge the merit of your story based on the quality of it's writing and storytelling instead of it's characters and tags.

In any case. Freakin' HotMail! Grr, snarl!!
>> No. 100881
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100881
>>100203
I've started reading this anyway (<3 Daring Do), so I may as well give you a proof-reading sweep.

Have a reviewer statement: http://derpy.me/uQgc1
>> No. 100888
>>100824

Review acknowledged. I'll get to the line by line tomorrow, thank you.
>> No. 100890
>>100824

Also, I like that idea. Anyone else interested? We could start a different thread to lay some ground rules for it.
>> No. 100896
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100896
>>100203
I've made a fair few comments about grammar and such in your docs. Your mechanics are pretty solid, provided I haven't overlooked anything. Have a few general thoughts.

Writing

You're awfully fond of very short, simple little sentences, and while they are certainly wonderful things that shouldn't be looked down on, an overabundance of the wee things can wreck havoc on your pacing. Areas of your writing feel stilted because you've decided against joining related sentences with a dash or a semicolon, and you occasionally make the mistake of forcing a hapless little clause to stand on its own as a sentence without a verb. Be bold! You have the skills.

Be careful of putting full stops (periods) at the end of dialogue which precedes a "Character said", and use a few more "said Character"s (you tend to use "Character said" almost exclusively). Also avoid tacking "and verbed" onto the end of "Character said"s.

Story

You've gone a long way towards addressing Hyperexponential's qualms with Ms Derring-Do, but I can't help but feel a shadow of his own concern. Derring's snap seems a little too sudden and a little too unprovoked. From what I can gather from your previous review, it's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it's still there, at least to me.

I think you need to draw out the scene before she snaps. Not by much – you just need a few more lines of her trying to keep control and Dash getting overexcited about the novels. It might be an idea to try something like this:

><Derring tries to keep her cool.>

>"My favourite part book in the series is the one where Daring Do finds the THING at the PLACE!" said Dash. "It was really cool when..."

>"For your information, RAR RAR FACTUAL INACCURACY RAR RAR DAN BROWNED RAR RAR!"

><Derring snaps.>

Other than those little things, I don't have any criticisms to make. This was an enjoyable read, and I look forward to seeing it on EqD. Good luck, author!
>> No. 100897
>>100896
"a dash or a semicolon or some sort of conjunction" I should have said. Come to think of it, it mightn't hurt to replace a few of your colons with conjunctions.
>> No. 100902
>>100890

I'm totally up for this. I've never done a collaborative work before.

>>100896
Thank you very much for the review! I shall give it another skim over, and keep your suggestions firmly in mind.

>Be careful of putting full stops (periods) at the end of dialogue which precedes a "Character said"
I have forgotten the face of my father. I know this rule... dunno how it slipped past me. Thanks a ton for pointing it out.

>(you tend to use "Character said" almost exclusively).
I do, actually. I didn't realize this was a problem. Is there any guideline as to when "said character" or "character said" is the better choice?

>Derring's snap seems a little too sudden and a little too unprovoked. From what I can gather from your previous review, it's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it's still there, at least to me.
Actually, the snap itself is unchanged. What I modified was Derring's backstory: she changed from a genius celebrity to a bitter and undistinguished pony.
The problem here is that she isn't really snapping because of anything Dash did: She's just got a lot of emotional baggage. Imagine that you dislike earthworms. When you were little, your big sibling used to chase you around with earthworms just to make fun of you. Years later, as a well adjusted adult, someone holds an earthworm in front of your face. You freak out. Not because you hate earthworms, but because you spent an entire childhood being taunted with them.
Dash is stepping on a big red button she doesn't even know about. It's not really supposed to be her fault. I'm not sure if it comes across at all, though... I don't want the link to her backstory to fade away.
>> No. 100927
...My god.

This is what the EQD Prereaders must feel like... all the time.

I hope you have a strong stomach, Gernon. I've never had to write such a negative review (although I haven't written very many). But if you didn't want the truth, you wouldn't have posted it here in the first place.

Full review is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AvP_HujXLA45ozJ-h5skU9OxYOXi09bJnmU61GkPVBY/edit
There is no line-by-line commentary because it's not hosted on Google Docs, it would have taken a week to write up by itself, and it wouldn't have been very useful to you.
>> No. 100933
Title: A.C.
Author: Pastel Ink
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure] [Grimdark]

Synopsis: A grim future in a world ruled by slave drivers and monsters. A pony born as a slave sets out to find out what went wrong with the world and what he can do to fix it.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eYYK8lMsgfkAbP_ztWNWxS7e_3rpZ9pJ8DmXYj_oLaE/edit?pli=1

Chapters: All

Comments: Hokay, so, I put this on here a while ago and got great tips for refining every aspect of it. I would like to know if it's ready for resubmission to EqD. I am mainly concerned with the spacing, I've tried so many different methods of spacing that I've lost count. Though a general grammar check would also be appreciated. Thanks to whoever decides to take this on!
>> No. 100937
>>100933
You've already got a spot in line. Check row 11 of the queue spreadsheet:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AuAQzDU7RlujdHRrclhMemtIT2txM19xbEtHOUQtMGc#gid=0

We can just update that entry if there are things you want edited/added so you don't go to the end of the line.
>> No. 100942
>>100902
>Is there any guideline as to when "said character" or "character said" is the better choice?
Not that I know of. Just try to use both. I think I tend to use "character said" a bit more, but I don't apply any kind of formula or rule to it.

>Actually, the snap itself is unchanged. What I modified was Derring's backstory: she changed from a genius celebrity to a bitter and undistinguished pony.
A bad choice of words on my part. Basically I meant to say that the backstory changes were a good idea and I'm glad they're there. The story's probably quite fine as-is, and you feel it's better to make it not Dash's fault at all, do that.
>> No. 100945
>>100937
Oh, cool. I compiled everything into google docs rather than fimfiction, I hear you guys like that better.
>> No. 100946
>>99753

Story:

Let's start with a plot summary:
Chrysalis muses about some things during a normal day at the hive.

That's it. That's all 5,000 words of your chapter. Now, I'm certain the plot will get thicker as time goes on, but that's not going to cut it. This story needs to have something interesting happen. The most interesting thing that occured was some scouts reporting in. There needs to be more substance to this story, more intrigue. It doesn't take 5,000 words to say 'and life was good'. There's no conflict in this story. There's no reason to read further, which is a shame because I really enjoyed reading about the design of the hive.

Grammar:

First, I'll recommend getting a different editor to check your work. I tend to automatically correct things that are written incorrectly subconsciously. Second, read your entire story out loud. Sometimes the ears can catch what the eyes miss. Nothing beats a dedicated editor, though.

Your word choice is... interesting at best. You have a strange attatchment to 'bug-terms', like 'carapace'. I'd recommend using these interchangeably with 'normal' terms, like 'body'. Only break the flow by using unusual terms if you want to break the flow to point something out.

My prescription:

Add some conflict to the story. Maybe a fire in the stores or an issue in manufacturing? A challenge to her power? Something to break up the monotony of 'Chrysalis did this. She liked it. She went for a walk.'

Second, don't worry about having to be poetic or innovative about descriptions. Phrases like 'the two were of a unique situation' is awkward and confusing. Another stinker is 'Your jest outranks you'. Just use the figure of speech, especially if you want to paint Chrysallis as a semi-formal queen.

The premise has a lot of promise, but if things worked on promise, we probably wouldn't need this thread.
Keep writing.
>> No. 100949
Title: The Diary of Morning and Dusk
Author: Lynked
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Sad][Slice-of-Life]

Synopsis: Twilight isn't feeling well, and unfortunately, that's all anypony knows. Her best friends try to understand, but even they are at a loss. That is, until a petty theft of Twilight's personal diary leads them on the track they least expected.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23725/The-Diary-of-Morning-and-Dusk

Comments: The EqD prereader suggested I ask for a grammar, punctuation, and plot review. So...thanks to the person who takes a look at this!
>> No. 100958
The links to the Submission Guide and its TL/DR are both busted. May want to fix that.
>> No. 100959
>>100958
They have an extra semicolon on the end. Remove it to get the correct link. We're aware. See >>100818. We're just waiting on a mod.
>> No. 100965
Whoops. Sorry, busy writing my stuff and I felt too lazy to RTFT. ^_^
>> No. 100995
>>100927
I thank you for being honest. I will try to make the story better. I will do as you say and start a major rewrite and hopefully within a month or so it will be far better.
>> No. 100997
Tags: Human in Equestria, Sad
Synopsis: A human in Equestria reflects on his past life.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QtPFaEH-DgmKYUBhZSxJMEjT-LMc1ZURVx8waBZBC_Y/edit
Chapters: One-shot
Comments: The biggest issues with the last pre-reader were purple prose and weird paragraphing.
>> No. 101003
>>97822

Posting to say I completed the review of this. Comments are left in the document.

Nothing much to add here, save that you seemed like you have an idea where to take this story.
>> No. 101009
Title: Great
Author: Broadway
Tags: Sad, Romance, Adventure
Synopsis: The life and times of The Great and Powerful Trixie.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11103/Great

Alright, so I submitted this to EqD a while back, and now, after much editing, I'm thinking about sending it back in. Most of what my pre-reader said had to do with show vs tell, along with character development.
My weak-point is the beginning (chapters 1-4), so I'd really appreciate some feedback on that (well, I'd appreciate feedback on the whole thing; that's kind of why I'm here). I always struggle with the start of a story, though once I get the ball rolling, I get substantially better.

Thanks!
>> No. 101032
Tags: [Grimdark][Sad][Adventure]

Synopsis: A simple Hearth's Warming Eve for Rainbow Dash changes her life forever after a series of tragic events.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12GgOQlzHZ6KdoTOdDkf-Z5bhJM7hrQeeX0VdRcslAIg/edit

Equestria Daily comment: I cannot recommend your story for publication. It has garnered enough marks against it for basic, non-stylistic grammar problems that it has been automatically rejected. If you choose to resubmit this story, please ensure that you have thoroughly vetted it beforehand, as this is the second strike out of three.

Author comment: I would love for someone to say exactly what this vague rejection message means, and comment on what I should change on the Google docs document. I already have an editor, but I have no idea how he could of missed anything since he seems to be a good editor.
>> No. 101051
When Duty Calls

Chappy Hooves

[email protected]

Random

Before Big Macintosh married Fluttershy, he had a love affair with Cheerilee, who move to Canterlot and bore a daughter, Scarlet Glade.
Scarlet has now grown up, changed her name to Scarlet Gala, and has joined the Royal guard. She is loyal to her job, but still wonders about her father, whom she has never seen, and who is oblivious to her birth.
One day, while on duty, Scarlet sees two fillies in the marketplace, and realizes they are her half-sisters.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7728/1/When-Duty-Calls/When-Duty-Calls

Short story, interested in getting on constructive criticism.
>> No. 101055
TITLE: Rainbow Typhoon
AUTHOR: Nonsanity
EMAIL: Add [email protected] and .com to name
TAGS: Adventure, Slice-Of-Life, Light-Shipping

SYNOPSIS: As Equestria is threatened by the unstoppable storm of storms, Rainbow Dash is shaken to the core by one event after another - from the heights of joy to the depths of sorrow - and led upon the hardest adventure of her life: fulfilling her dreams. But in the end, will she still have the strength she needs to save her friends, or will this powerful hurricane break her spirit, crush her hopes, and herald the end of all that she was... and could have been? How far can you push a rainbow?

LINK: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22148/Rainbow-Typhoon

CHAPTERS: all so far
COMMENTS:
This story is written in restricted third person (mainly limited to what the main character experiences) and historical present tense to emphasize the adventure's tension. Shipping-wise, the current chapters don't include much more than the setup for a later romantic connection that may or may not be fully realized before the conclusion of the work, hence "light" shipping. The synopsis can probably use some work - I'm open to suggestions. Aside from that... HAVE AT ME! :)

~ Nonsanity
>> No. 101059
>>101055
I posted the above here after finding out I had posted to the old list right after it closed. (First time user here... missed that.)

The queue link for my story still points to the old thread's post. I'm not sure how to update that.

~ Nonsanity
>> No. 101062
>>101059
fixed
>> No. 101077
>>101062
Thanks!

>>101055
I've also made a copy of the story so far in Google Docs here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-52T-bN2BHBDwnu6cmZVB4e_zJ-g16ikdOqAfakOBMQ/edit

In case whoever reviews it prefers to annotate in that format. I'm keeping the FIMFiction site the "definitive" version however, but until a reviewer descends upon it, I'll keep the Gdocs in sync as well.

~ Nonsanity
>> No. 101083
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101083
>>99762

>>99705

>>99560

I expect to have all done by the end of the weekend.
>> No. 101085
>>99941

You can actually drop this one from the queue. After a rather scathing review from Golden Vision, I've decided to shift this story to my perpetual/permanent back burner pending the release of my next comedy.
>> No. 101110
File 133626402698.png - (133.67KB , 463x394 , NowIsTimeForCake.png )
101110
This thread moves really fast. I just went back into the old thread investigating something, when I came across this: >>99088

I will add to it by saying this: If you have submitted a fic more than once to TTG, it would be really nice if you could do some reviewing, so that way you offset the addition of more reviewing work by helping out, and the queue won't overflow. Also, it'd be great to have some new friends helping out in this thread.
>> No. 101112
I'm sorry, Demetrius. I think it's time to activate Friendship Protocol Zapper X. Alrighty then! In an attempt to help clear the queue, I shall claim the following stories:

>>99672 Crescent Ellipse
>>100081 Battle Royale: Friendship Program
>>100378 The Edge of Harmony
>>100754 The Five Ponies You Meet in Heaven
>>101031 I'll See You in The Sky
>>101051 When Duty Calls

Buck yeah! Let's get it on!
>> No. 101114
>>101112
You've got nothing to apologize for as far as I'm concerned.

May the authors of those fics notice your efforts and benefit.
>> No. 101116
>>98073 >>98128
Detailed comments in doc.

We've had extensive discussions via in-doc chat, so I won't be writing up my usual summary post here, as it wouldn't add anything new.

Review is also acknowledged via chat.
>> No. 101118
>>101112
Thanks for taking on my fic along with those other fics.
>> No. 101122
It would be interesting to know why people don't review after reading the original post.

You, the newcomer, why don't you review?
>> No. 101127
>>101083
Thanks for choosing my fic. Im assuming your going to be doing these in the order you have listed. hope to see a review sometime soon
>> No. 101141
>>101110
I agree with this idea and will gladly do some reviews once I become more confident in my own ability to write. I don't believe I have the right to try and critique another persons work if my own writing is simply horrible; I don't think I would be of much help to them if that was the case is what I mean. Once I get the review of the first chapter of my fic and have a chance to look it over and see what my strengths and weaknesses are when it comes to writing conventions/rules and all that I'll happily try and join in on reviews.

>>101083
Speaking of the review of the first chapter I wanted to thank you for taking your time to review this and I look forward to your opinions/criticisms.
Also, after reading through the thread it appears that Google Docs is a preferred form of viewing so here's a link to the story in Google Docs form:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14c1ncaNuOImh2YUk5ox61bSAwa1b3j6TxR6nuXzA6WU/edit

You have to excuse me if I did something wrong with that, I don't particularly know how Google Docs works, like I said, new to all this.
>> No. 101148
>>101141
Writing ability =/= Reviewing ability.

Many good reviewers are not good writers. Many good writers are not good reviewers.

You won't know until you try.
>> No. 101152
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/100769.html#i101112
Thank you for claiming my fic for review
>> No. 101156
>>101148
Hmm, I see your point, best to at least see if I have what it takes to review anyway, that way even if I don't write well I can at least help out others. Guess I'll try my hand at reviewing then, going to start off with a short one for now though.


>>100949
Going to claim this story. I'm going to apologize right now, I might miss small spelling/grammatical errors because of how I read (brain auto-corrects small mistakes as I read them) even after multiple rereads. Expect a review posted in a few hours.
>> No. 101161
File 133628226979.gif - (1.35MB , 975x720 , Edit-frenzy-optimized.gif )
101161
>>101141
I started reviewing because I wanted to find diamonds in the rough and felt bad doing nothing constructive in /fic/. Not because I felt confident enough in my own ability as a writer. I've always been a terrible writer - not in that my writing is shitty (though it can be) but in that rarely am I able to actually get any writing done. But I am (or at least was) rather good at editing and noticing things.

Also, consider short_skirts_and_explosions. He's a fantastic writer / storyteller, but will at times fail spectacularly when it comes to editing/proofreading his own stuff - which might preclude him from being a good reviewer.

So, what Pascoite said.
>> No. 101163
>>101161
Fail spectacularly is an understatement if there ever was one.... One of the best writers, but thank god he has people checking his work, it can get pretty terrible otherwise...
>> No. 101165
File 133628299894.png - (254.08KB , 1828x1076 , THIS.png )
101165
>>101161

>but in that rarely am I able to actually get any writing done.

So much this.
>> No. 101173
Synopsis: Twilight and her friends donate blood for the first time.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16450/Red-Shield

Comments: Here's what the prereaders at EQD said:
====================================
Errors:
>Poly-chromatic
polychromatic

Dialogue punctuation- This is a big one. More than half your attributions are incorrect. Examples below:
> "Hello Cheerilee!" beamed the receptionist.
As one cannot "beam" a sentence through speaking, this should be "Hello Cheerilee!" The receptionist beamed.
> "Uhh... pardon me." said Applejack.
When linking a dialogue attribution, a comma is used, like so: "Uhh... pardon me," said Applejack.
> "Did we need to bring one of them fancy cards?" She asked
Like the previous example, the first word of the attribution (unless it's a proper noun or name) shouldn't be capitalized. "Did we need to bring one of them fancy cards?" she asked

There are many more beyond these three, but hopefully these help you fix them.

This is a style issue, but I saw too many phrases like "the lavender unicorn" for my taste. Generally, it's better to just use the character's name or a pronoun.

In a few places, a space was forgotten. A simple spell-check should fix this.

You use single quotes for emphasis a few times. As they're not in dialogue, they should be quotation marks.

Direct thoughts, when used, should be formatted similarly to dialogue. Example follows:
> "I wish I didn't have to do it" she thought.
I wish I didn't have to do it, she thought.
There is some disagreement over the correct way to do this, but this is the most accepted method I know of. Personally, I find putting direct thoughts straight into the narrative as indirect thoughts to be more effective, but I digress.

In a few places, it was difficult to keep track of who was speaking. When more than two characters are present and speaking, it's good practice to attribute dialogue as much as possible to avoid any confusion.

I found the setting to be very neglected. I often had only a vague idea of where the characters were. Sure, we know what Twilight's library like, but what did it look like on that day? Smell like? Including little details like this will help you avoid the story being a series of talking heads, as it occasionally is.

Aside from that, I chuckled a few times. This is good, but it needs to be just a little bit better to be posted. I look forward to seeing this again. This is your first strike, but so long as you're diligent in editing and possibly get a little help, I see no reason why this shouldn't be posted.
====================================
I already went through and tried to correct what they suggested. Speed is not as important as quality. I want to be able to have this go through EQD.
>> No. 101176
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101176
>>101173
Disclaimer: Not claiming this. Just pointing out an incorrect correction on the pre-reader's part.
> "Hello Cheerilee!" beamed the receptionist.
> As one cannot "beam" a sentence through speaking, this should be "Hello Cheerilee!" The receptionist beamed.
Beam can in some cases act as a transitive verb. See: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/beam
> Examples of BEAM
> "We're getting married!" he beamed.

However, there should be a comma before "Cheerliee" to indicate an address.
>> No. 101178
>>101148

I agree with Pascoite. In addition to that, the ability to review your own mistakes is different than reviewing someone else's. You'll notice things that they might not simply because you're a fresh pair of eyes. But hopefully reviewing will at least help you improve, even if just a little bit. The biggest factor is the motivation as well as time and energy to look over your own work. Yes, it's a lot of hard work and yes, it sucks when you get critiqued. But it's a necessary step in the process of improvement. So even if you don't think you can help, or that you can't see your own mistakes very well, why not try giving reviewing a try anyway? You'll learn something in the process and come to appreciate the reviewing process, since you'll now get a piece of what it's like.

>>101118

Arby Works, I can't seem to find the post you had for your story. Mind giving me another link or any comments or concerns? Sent you an email just in case.
>> No. 101179
>>100997

I'll claim this, could you please activate comments on your Gdoc?
>> No. 101189
Okay, let’s see if I can do this or not. You'll have to excuse me, I don't know how posting here works that well (never really been on a chan board before), so I have no idea how to make sentences blue and such like I've seen in other reviews when quoting lines from the story.

Overall I really like the premise of the story and I felt the story flowed rather well. I didn’t find anything particularly wrong with the plot, just a few spelling and wording problems.


>” This is great, especially after I began to get a tad bit lonely.” "After all...even with Spike, things were getting a bit lonely.”

First of all, the first line here just feels wrong, I can’t tell if there’s something wrong with the tenses or what(I’m not very good with that stuff) but the wording just doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe something like, “, especially because I had begun to feel a tad bit lonely.” instead?

Also, these two lines are very similar and state practically the same thing but are separated by just a few lines(even if one is in another paragraph it is the following paragraph). They get the point across but maybe try and change the phrasing a bit so they aren’t so close in wording.

>"My head began to pound, and I began to lose my train of thought."
I would change the second began into "started" or something similar to avoid repeating words so close together.

>"Aw loose the scowl you," the mare beside her scolded.

Other than loose instead of lose I can’t help but think that wording is a little off. When I see Aw starting something I imaging poking fun or something else lighthearted following and never really associate it with a scolding; maybe use Oh instead?

>"I don't know what's gotten into you, but you need to put a cap on your attitude," Rarity said with a grimace.

While this is purely personal preference, what Rarity says is something that I wouldn’t really associate with a grimace. A grimace is an expression of disgust, and while it is also used to express disapproval this seems more of a slight reproach which I don’t connect with a grimace. A scowl is the expression I image would fit better.


>"The grotto breeze always had a soothing effect, and was known for its romantic tendencies. But is tasted bitter and smelled sour"

In addition to the small spelling error here (is instead of it) I can't help but think the second sentence could be worded better. What I’m assuming you meant was that the breeze was not normally bitter and sour but was today because of what they were doing, but here it seems as if that bitterness and sourness is was just always part of the breeze. Maybe change the line to something like "But today the breeze was tainted by a bitter taste and sour smell."

>”I can hold a steady though, but the more I do”

Though instead of thought

>"On the ball I say," Rarity said.

Just a small wording error, a possible way to fix it would be either “Sounds right on the ball I say,” or “On the ball I’d say,”

>Applejack stuttered for a second, before finding actual words. "Then what do y'all suggest we do? We already asked to help her, and she said no."

I can’t be completely sure on this, I just don’t like how these lines feel. Just a little before Applejack wanted to rush off and go help Twilight because they all agreed something was wrong but now she’s holding back wondering what they’re supposed to do because she already offered Twilight help and she refused; that unsureness just seems out of character for Applejack. One of the lessons Applejack learned personally was that even if a friend says they don’t need help they might anyway. (Yeah, the severity and situation were vastly different but the basic concept has similarities)
There’s nothing implicitly wrong with this, I just feel it’s…off.

>”and galloped after them, with but the diary in her magic.”

Something is just strange about the wording after the comma. Maybe “, with the diary floating along beside her.” or something along those lines instead? I just feel the wording doesn’t work that well there.


Now onto a more positive note, I felt your setting and action descriptions were amazing, particularly the scene with the breeze blowing through their manes. The image and feeling of that scene were just so clear in my head.
The other scene I really like was the ending with Twilight and Pinkie. I could practically feel the emotions between the two of them as Twilight finally broke down and Pinkie began comforting her. I could see Twilight shaking in Pinkie's arms as the emotional dam broke. I just loved that scene.



Again, overall other than a few errors here and there I felt this was a nice story. The story kept a good pace and escalated to a climax without rushing. Every Diary entry showed another small step towards a breaking point for Twilight and even showcased mental instability because of how they shifted sometimes; like how in one entry she gets flashes of an image, but that doesn’t happen again for a long time showing that this isn’t some completely predictable problem but one that changes. So all in all a good read.

I hope this review is helpful, if there is anything specific in the story you want me to look at feel free to ask, happy to try and assist.
>> No. 101190
>>101189
Hmm, looks like I guessed right when it came to quoting lines from stories (making them blue I mean). Yay, I learned something today.
>> No. 101193
File 133630264117.jpg - (12.34KB , 392x309 , muffin.jpg )
101193
>>101189
Just taking a quick peek.

>"Too who?"
To

>Though my friend's are still really busy
friends

>expectant stares fueled with angst
Something inside of me died a little. "fueled with angst" feels like a ridiculous descriptive, for uncertain and entirely unsupported opinions.

>It's calligraphy handwriting was blotched and messy, thus making it hard to read.
Its; the "thus making it hard to read" is redundant, as it only repeats what the reader can perfectly imagine for him/herself.

>"Well hold onto your gut and listen to this. May fourteenth..."
Fluttershy saying this is out of character. "hold on to your gut" is a liberally-toned phrase, whereas Flutters is reserved.

Glad to have you join the dark side bandwagon of reviewing, mate! Here's a muffin.
>> No. 101198
>>101189
Thank you for that! I hadn't realized just how repetitive I was at times...
Also, thank you for the kind words.

I did have a question about the ending. I'm not sure, but I think it's a bit too compacted, or maybe rushed. What do you think?
>> No. 101224
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101224
>>101193
Thanks for pointing those out, knew that I would miss things. Now I have a better idea of things to look for when reviewing.

>>101198
I personally don't really think there's anything wrong with the ending. At that point things have reached their peak and dragging things out wouldn't work that well. You have quick confrontations between the group and Twilight. Then you have Pinkie approaching and helping Twilight. But you don't just end it there, you build it a bit more, explain a bit of why what's happening is working, connecting the two of them emotionally through a piece of information you gave just a little while ago, not something you just threw in as a quick fix. And then, ending it with a heartwarming flourish with Pinkie singing. Also, you don't have things just being fixed at the end, which is good. I mean if after Pinkie hugged and talked with Twilight she was suddenly working her way through her problems and it was implied that she was already far along in her recovery because of that one thing I would say it was rushed, but that wasn't the case. Instead you imply that with that last action the road to recovery is in front of her and she's taken the first step; not better by a long shot, but now on her way.

So like I said, I can't really find much wrong with the pacing of the ending.
>> No. 101229
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101229
Comments in doc

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XJD9v8fRTtrkxz2EfZTdD-UvIoDC1OQZGdp9pGMR-yM/edit

General thoughts, suggestions are at end of doc.

Moving on to >>99762 next.
>> No. 101232
I just got a response from the EQD prereaders. I worked so hard for so long, and did my very best, and...

And I... got... rejected.

(a floc kof doves flies throuh an explosion of rainbows and fireworks, choreographed to a live orchestra performance of the immortal Beethoven's Ode to Joy)

I get to write some more! I love writing!!

In any case, this makes for round three in the TTG. I am in need of an experienced and professional hard-ass to help explain the prereader's advice and point out where in the story I can apply it best. I could just try to fix it myself, but I'd rather be clear on what needs fixin'.

I feel like the review wasn't just talking about what was broken so much as what was missing. If so, this will be an interesting experiment in self-improvement.

Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: Twilight sparkle has been called to Canterlot for routine bit of royal business: a university's archeology department needs help with a tricky translation. All very hum-drum for her... but for Rainbow Dash, it's a chance to get an inside view of the exciting and fast-paced world of ancient history! But how much does she really know about the field? A chance meeting with a larger-than-life pony teaches her about the difference between reality and imagination.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18FzvCGmTEQPwtXA53eccOXjz8j6U4hDE0t__J78Vkrk/edit

EQD Prereader review:
>Dear author, thank you for submitting to Equestria Daily! Unfortunately, I cannot accept your story for posting at this time.
>While it's not a *problem*, I believe that it's unnecessary to have a quote at the top of your fanfic.
>To start off, much of the fanfic is very tell-y and not enough show-y. This is most evident in the first section of the story. It is almost all dialogue with bits if telling thrown in. The writing does get better as it goes on. Getting someone from Ponychan to look at this will help a lot. You can also check out the
>Omnibus<https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit>for help too.
>Overall, I think the story would benefit from more explanations and better descriptions. I believe that your fanfic would greatly improve with a little more help so consider going to Ponychan or finding an editor.
>> No. 101234
>>101232
I'm feeling the hard-ass. Claim.
>> No. 101239
File 133633266758.png - (464.99KB , 250x342 , LilyAndCaleb copy.png )
101239
Title: Brony
Name: Markarian
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Human in Equestria] [Mystery] [Drama]

Synopsis: When a contemporary human stumbles upon Equestria and makes his presence known in Ponyville, he believes he is living his most cherished desire. But reality soon begins to intrude upon his Hub-tinted vision of this magical land and he starts to question his most basic assumptions about life, Equestria, and what My Little Pony means to him. Ultimately, the characters he knows and loves could end upinfluencing the most important decision he will ever make.

LINK: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5106/Brony

Comments/Requests: I've submitted this to EqD pre-readers over a week ago, but have not heard anything back. I am eager to get feedback on this story, both in its structure and characterization. This story is incomplete, but I do have the minimum required length for a submission to the pre-reader queue. I'd also just like general opinions and impressions of the story too. Thanks!
>> No. 101244
>>101239

Brony In Equestria gets autorejected. Which is not to say I don't believe in your writing from the looks of your synopsis. An actual maturely written story in the genre that concerns the character questioning what it all means and coming to grips with the twisted reality of living a cartoon might be interesting. I'll claim this I'd it's still unclaimed by the time I'm free.
>> No. 101246
>>101229
First of all I want to thank you for the review. After reading through the review I've got a lot of thinking and rewriting/reworking to do. All of this is going to be very useful. Hopefully I can adjust my writing style to avoid the same mistakes now. I can't wait to get back to work on this.

I knew I was bad with commas (over and underusing) but damn, lol. I think this problem stems from me thinking in a stream of consciousness format. I just keep going with something until I run out of ideas, then I put the period. I tried to avoid this as much as I could but that apparently didn't work out so well.
Also thanks for pointing out my problem with punctuation when it came to characters talking.

Thanks for pointing out the violet unicorn syndrome, I really see your point there. I think this was my brain wanting to describe when there was no reason to.

As for the thoughts in quotes comments; quite honestly I had no idea what the correct form for writing out the thoughts was. Some things I read had them italicized and some had them in quotes of some kind. That is going to help immensely.

Concerning the Pinkie and Discord scene, yeah that's what I was expecting. The whole reason for the scene was to show that even while she was with Discord Pinkie still acted like her old self, albeit a bit darker. And that Discord wasn't a completely murderous monster, he just really didn't like Twilight. I can rework that scene and put it in a later chapter though, one where it would fit.

Thanks for telling me about the all caps yelling thing, that's good to know.

>"When the story is reaching a climax, it has to SLOW DOWN..."
This is very good to know.
>> No. 101248
File 133633455185.jpg - (149.99KB , 500x375 , welcometothewakaburger.jpg )
101248
>>101244

If Brony in Equestria gets autorejected, what about Celebrity in Equestria? As in a real life person who's quiet famous etc..
>> No. 101249
>>101248
It's basically the same, IMO. Only now you take some dude, duddete and write a HiE.
>> No. 101250
File 133633494049.png - (164.03KB , 1330x1556 , 173696 - artist krookydile Derp_face scootaderp scootaloo transparent vector.png )
101250
>>101179
>>100997

Nevermind, i'll just review it like this.

First off, except for a uneccessary comma here and there, your grammar is mostly spotless.

>trudged, haphazardly, coruscant, reminisce, apex , zephyr

Ok, is there any reason to use such a fancy vocabulary when normal words would have done just fine? Unless there is, using such "big" word just comes off as purple prose. Overcomplicating a simple sentence just for the sake of it.

>Every muscle involved in locomotion burned insatiably, the joints in my legs were more than a little bit hesitant to bend in single-digit degrees.
>The image burned into my retinas.

These aren't quaint metaphors, they are torture, especially for the reader.

While you made a break to show the change in story telling, the passage from present to past fell pretty abrupt. Try switching out most of the third paragraph with the fourth one.

>As my body numbed, one thought was at the forefront of my mind: I could have tried harder. If I had been an ounce more sober, I would still be home, laughing and having fun with my friends. But that doesn't matter, now it's all just water under the bridge. I pledged to myself long ago that I would forge for myself as good a life as I could, no matter where I ended up. I wouldn't have a life, I would have an adventure.

Alright I found it pretty funny that some sort of interdimensional lovecraftian portal lurks in a trashcan. But this part makes no sense at all, why is he blaming himself? A normal person would question his own sanity or the quality of the booze he consumed. I'm also confused about which tense you should using here, since your character seems to have the ability to already predict his future destiny.

And the last break is even worse. So there's a funeral... whose funeral? And then (s)he complains about nobody caring, are the ponies (s)he encountered not having any sympathy for him/her? Are they really that cruel?


I find it pretty hard to rate this story in any way. The only thing I understood from it is that someone landed in Equestria and is sad about it because he misses his old friends and family. Okay not the worst concept ever but you also have to expand on it.

In this whole fic there is neither any character-- the only thing I know is that your OC likes to show off his vocabulary and seems to be rather self-victimizing -- nor any action to resolve his situation.

Work further on your concept, for example, provide anecdotes of his friends and why he misses them so much, show if he found any new friends in Equestria, how was his reaction towards the ponies? how did they react to him? what does he do for a living? has he ever tried to do something to escape? Whose funeral was it?

I'm sorry if I seem rather harsh but you seem to have the skills to write something worthwile, instead of such an un-story.
>> No. 101251
>>101249
...And I believe you'd need the real person's permission. Good luck with that.
>> No. 101254
>>101055
This is an updated version of my story entry. More accurate in its tags and with a new synopsis. If it's possible to update my queue entry with this new information and link, that might save some confusion. :)

TITLE: Rainbow Typhoon
AUTHOR: Nonsanity
EMAIL: Add [email protected] and .com to name
TAGS: Adventure

SYNOPSIS: As a mighty hurricane descends upon Equestria, Rainbow Dash is sorely tested in an exciting tale of ambition, love, pride, and loss. She must learn to find the strength inside herself to overcome her limitations and save friends, strangers, and perhaps all of Equestria.

How far can you push a Rainbow?

LINK: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22148/Rainbow-Typhoon
GDOC: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-52T-bN2BHBDwnu6cmZVB4e_zJ-g16ikdOqAfakOBMQ/edit

CHAPTERS: 1-6 (all so far)

COMMENTS:
This story is written in third person limited (except for a few spots in chapter one) and present tense, to emphasize the adventure's tension. Pinkie has some fourth-wall parenthetical moments – for comedic purposes – in chapter 1, something that doesn't continue in later chapters.

In the final chapters, there may or may not be a romantic element between Rainbow Dash and Soarin, but if there is, it will be very light and preliminary - nothing hard-core. (And they are an almost-canon couple...) Chapter 2 sets up that potentiality.

The synopsis can probably still use some work.

A reviewer has given it the once-over on FimFiction, and I've been using comments in other reviews to try to improve it myself. But this is the first fiction I've written in, oh... twenty or so years. So I'm interested in all comments, even the "Yeah, the dashes aren't wrong, but you should use semicolons instead," type of thing. :)

(I prefer spaced en dashes over semicolons or non-spaced em dashes, now that I've researched the options. They just look cleaner and are common enough in English-speaking countries to not be "wrong".)

Looking forward to the reviews. (More than one would be excellent!) I've done my very best not to make reading this a chore! :D

~ Nonsanity
>> No. 101275
>>101251

The person I'm thinking of is either high or drunk 90% of the time, which would help if I even bothered with it.
>> No. 101298
File 133636083812.png - (132.86KB , 900x623 , surprise__by_pinkiepi314-d4xkt6i.png )
101298
>>99762
Comments in docs.

Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BWNRzXdeEiLNM3Rqq8FvNhUcG-sFRMqD01TRG1hEjEo/edit
Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UQMyc_2kv4ZzwmbKcXJO74QRHlKOIh3yYXDrn_JJz8I/edit
Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QyHZx0ELexQJ_yA4h5w1Rs1-vw0R19C_JGR3GZfrUlE/edit
Chapter 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1h9Phls4h3JX7Op4kENAQnccqF4amTfa1L3scCSc59-c/edit

Your first two chapters were much more error-prone than the last two. I will recommend, however, that you get a proofreader before submitting to EqD again. I'm not an expert on all the technical points of the English language, so I probably missed a couple of items.

I don't have any further comments on each individual chapter, but here's my general thoughts:

-Your flow still needs work, and the erratic flow you have now is caused by your Point-of-View problems. You have a *really* hard time sticking with one POV per scene. Some have 3 POVs you swap between with no warning to the reader. This is really hurting your story.
If you want to use 3rd-person omniscient, you need be narrating. You can't just write like it's 3rd-person single-perspective but swap between characters all the time. I would highly suggest you stick to the 3rd-person single POV and fix the story to accompany that, as it works much better for this story.

-Prose isn't bad... but the moments where it's really meaningful are few and far between. It's only slightly better than average---but for a slice-of-life/romance fic like this, it *needs* to be better. Otherwise, the story just isn't interesting enough to hold on to the reader throughout the early parts of the story. To make prose more interesting, more enthralling, it needs to play on empathy, and having it be a bit exaggerating probably wouldn't hurt either. Figure out what aspects of these characters would really connect with the reader and amplify them.

One last comment: I don't know exactly what you're planning, but please tell me the Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash storyline is going somewhere. I think it would be really interesting to see a more subtle, slower romance dance between those two as you're developing the primary storyline. That, I think, would set your fic apart from other shipfics.

Until next time... write good.
>> No. 101305
I've got a story I'm working on over on fimfiction.net and I want to get some constructive criticism about it. And I mean some straightforward honest to the point of tactless stuff. A hard look at it is VERY much appreciated.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7177/The-Nexus
>> No. 101310
File 133636806816.jpg - (117.05KB , 469x346 , 65569 - I_don\'t_even_know rainbow_dash.jpg )
101310
>>98386
Have at thee, I have claimed thy story for my own.

Okay, having given the PR concerns (very bloody valid ones at that) a once/thrice over, and in the presumption that you genuinely want to get published on EQD, take the following commentary as a flak jacket would a ballistic. Then brush that shit off, and learn to avoid getting shot. Neh? Understand this—I will be every bit as harsh and blunt with you as the Pre-readers are unable to be, for their own variety of reasons, personal and professional.

First page - stream o consciousness -

“First I did this, then I did that.”
Firstly, you’re starting way too heavily in your sentences with “You”. This at once is your attempt to get the reader to relate, and poor imagination. Perfect example (of which there are many)-
>You go from solid dirt clacking underhoof, to fluffy cumulus that squishes however you want.
No. “I went”, or “Some ponies”. Even more apropos, given the unusual transition (because most ponies *won’t* ever experience the severity of this dichotomy, would be “Most ponies can’t imagine/fathom/understand/begin to relate to…”
In short, drop most of the “you”’s and replace them and the corresponding sentence structure with something that actually flows, is relatable, and is designed to engage the reader empathetically.

>or sink in and go "beep beep, I'm a cloud!"
And what is this? You’re trying to establish a tempo, not get cheap lol’s from a meme reference. Right? Are you? Kill it, and any others that may follow. (Backing up to type in a sort of shocked disbelief at how many of these there are.)

>I was screaming the whole time, of course.
Yeah. You have an entire paragraph dedicated to a colt/filly too young to fly properly, and it comes off as dry as Byron. You know why Byron isn’t relatable? Because he’s trying too hard, and overextends beyond a readers ability to find him anything but superfluous and rigidly predictable. And the emotions? They’re merely an afterthought to your text. This may as well be written in binary coding.

Your little colt… filly? I dunno, sounds like a colt, go figure, reads like cynical ass, which totally destroys any suspension of disbelief. You can’t write from the eyes of a 10 year old and give him the observations of a 40 year old.

>You know how in stories like the Daring Do serials,
Cheap. Why would you do this? You’re just grasping for straws at what you think the most people are going to recognize. You’re better than a trite appeal to the popular damnit.

>"Next time, hold your wings out like this." He curved them a little.
Your punctuation indicates a separation. Yet, there is an obvious connection, so make instances like this flow appropriately, and personalize them with visuals-
>"Next time, hold your wings out like this." He demonstrated, curving his own (insert color/wing span) a little.

>And he went,
This is amateurish. First, never, ever start a narrative sentence with a conjunction. And “he went” is a poor opening.

>I was angry at the stallion who'd just saved my life.
Lines like this should be followed by reflection of your characters actions, preferably in his own analysis. As it is, it’s too objective, horridly impersonal, and dry as a Cambridge report on the european cheese industry’s growth by demographic quarters.

You have far too many words ending in -ly. Show us what that means, what is actually happening with actual descriptors.

>I was afraid to say things like
Why? Why is he afraid? Is this pegasus scary? Does your character think he may do it again? These are things that the reader needs to know. needs you have a duty to fulfill.

>He said, "I've seen a pegasus or two
Okay, fine. But *how* did he say it? Was he frowning? Smiling? Raising a hoof to slap the bejesus out of the colt?

… Look, what’s the first rule of active listening? To paraphrase. You rephrase what you’ve heard, ask it back, and then seek confirmation as to whether or not you’re analysis is correct. Now take that, and apply it to the interaction between your MC and this pegasus. Make it real.

>I did what any colt my age would do when they got a mark that awesome: bounce around like an idiot and shout, "Aww YEAH!"
Stop breaking character. Do you want to tell this colt’s story, or your own? You need, with absolution, to be able to perceive the difference.

>My jaw came loose
Okay, you’re going for a feeling of revelation here, when nothing untoward has happened. A guy implied his name has to do with flying. If you’re going for a moment where something clicks in the kid’s mind, you need to actually elaborate on what that is.

The “I said this, then I said that” thing is getting incredibly tiring. So, go back through, and every other time you encounter “I said”, add some context or descriptors to it. Maybe even a verb here or there, by god! Tell me *how* it’s said, and *why* it’s said that way.

Thematic points with potential that you should really do your best to bring to life:
Rainbow Dash’s internal dichotomy- She could join the bolts, but that would mean leaving her friends (bonus points for giving some insight on how the others feel about it).
The elite para-military nature of the bolts (there’s a great deal of tension and backstory you could tap from this, given the appropriate angles being played).

Kill this entire paragraph-
>And that's what I'd thought, for years. Dusty Roads had a "barnstorming" show where he'd do these crazy stunts like skimming along the ground at top speed; dodging past the quarray eels of Ghastly Gorge; pretending to fight a dragon that was just unicorns in a low-budget costume; or buzzing through the Tannhauser Gate. Silly stuff. I was focused on studying and working out.

I can’t tell if you like Dash are not, and that’s a problem because you’re *writing* her. Everything she does and says is just so surface level and down-right robotic, like you’re just taking her through the motions based on algorithmic notes of her scenes in the show. It doesn’t feel like you actually understand her character, or even particularly want to.

Okay, I’ve been holding onto this thing for… what, four, five days now? Largely, it’s because every time I open it when I have a few minutes to attend to it, I feel like I’m just going to be repeating myself as I run across more of the same issues. As such, the following here is going to be more generalized and less specific mistake notation. So go back over, and every time you see a sentence of less than six words, 9/10 times you need to work it into a previous or following sentence. Your attempts to insert tension simply come off as flat, as they tend to be minimalistic dialogue without any reference points as to *why* people should care, then reach absolution in the next few lines without lending any momentum to the story’s progression. References to the show: you have them everywhere, and 9/10 times they do you no favors. I suggest you take them all out. A great many of your sentences are just completely nonsensical. I’ll give you a quote of one, but it’s not going to serve you much good if you don’t develop an aversion to writing them - “Dash winced as she got zapped with a healing spell.” Develop a sense of what level of intensity you want to go with, and stick with it until your theme calls for a change. This means that you shouldn’t apply the same level of intensity that you would for taking Dash into the “this is what we kill shit with” section of their base, as you do when Spitfire gets all pissy cuz Dash fucked up a move. Currently, it’s all just a ubiquitous application, and you need to understand that it’s the ebb and flow that engages a reader. Reflect and review your perspectives mate. I don’t feel like I’m reading this from Soarin’s angle, I feel like I’m reading it from a fan of the show. Your most serious issue is, again, your tone and emotional vibrancy (of which there is next to none), to such an extent that if it weren’t for the identifiers, I’d hardly be able to tell who the hell is who. In fact, here’s an exercise that I think you should try - Write a scene. Say… a Pegasus losing control, and going into a crazy spin from two thousand feet. This pegasus thinks he/she is going to die. Now write that same scene from Soarin’s perspective. Do it again from Spitfires, then Dash’s, and then Fluttershy’s. Each one should be so different, that only the physical event should follow any semblance of repetition. Neh? Another point, is that nothing actually happens in this story. It breaks down to a theme I’ve seen a thousand times: RD joins the Wonderbolts. That’s really it. You attempt to work in an alternate progression with this Dusty Roads character, but it’s so ancillary that it tends to be more distracting than relevant. All in all sir, I’m afraid to say that this needs a complete re-write to address the issues that were given you. I'm genuinely sorry I could not be of more service.

Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 101329
Tags: Going to have a bit of most everything but Grimdark.

Synopsis: The end of the show that started a phenomenon. Familiar faces return, new players come to the field, and the powers of friendship will be tested as the entire world is plunged into its greatest danger yet...

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1adcS_EBZJJLsSnFz4vppLkmciK8R-7MDwE5EFlFDrE0/edit

Comments: Hello; it's me again. I was wisely advised by several reviewers to chop this into more bite-sized pieces, and I also did a bit of trimming on the side. The above link goes to a google doc with separate links to each chapter(as the collection links will not allow you to comment for some odd reason). It's still a long fic, but I hope some of you will try and do what you can for it. Even if you can only get a few chapters, instead of the whole story, I can't imagine some advice won't go a long ways.

When I submitted it to EQD I got the following email in reply (Here is another link): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aLAbp6K4W83dMjFAHWq4CiEwCRPCiTFx0w8g1PecC0I/edit

Most problems seemed to stem from various details I overlooked, and the fact that it was an 80000+ document(submitted all in one piece) at first did not help matters, I'd imagine. This is the first in what hopefully be a line of episodes if I can get these to work.

Do what you can, I certainly appreciated the previous feedback I got from here, and I wish you the best of luck.
>> No. 101330
Tags: Going to have a bit of most everything but Grimdark.

Synopsis: The end of the show that started a phenomenon. Familiar faces return, new players come to the field, and the powers of friendship will be tested as the entire world is plunged into its greatest danger yet...

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1adcS_EBZJJLsSnFz4vppLkmciK8R-7MDwE5EFlFDrE0/edit

Comments: Hello; it's me again. I was wisely advised by several reviewers to chop this into more bite-sized pieces, and I also did a bit of trimming on the side. The above link goes to a google doc with separate links to each chapter(as the collection links will not allow you to comment for some odd reason). It's still a long fic, but I hope some of you will try and do what you can for it. Even if you can only get a few chapters, instead of the whole story, I can't imagine some advice won't go a long ways.

When I submitted it to EQD I got the following email in reply (Here is another link): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aLAbp6K4W83dMjFAHWq4CiEwCRPCiTFx0w8g1PecC0I/edit

Most problems seemed to stem from various details I overlooked, and the fact that it was an 80000+ document(submitted all in one piece) at first did not help matters, I'd imagine. This is the first in what hopefully be a line of episodes if I can get these to work.

Do what you can, I certainly appreciated the previous feedback I got from here, and I wish you the best of luck.
>> No. 101332
File 133639512830.png - (98.59KB , 347x479 , That last breath cover.png )
101332
Tags: One-shot, sad, dark

Synopsis: Luna returns with a vengeance. An execution of royalty in the city of Canterlot.

Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1p3yWDCtqXJiMYAkF2zqu0SwOHridecQ4HBFJcJOi8j4/edit

Comment: The synopsis is rather shoddy at the moment but I'll be making changes to that once this has been developed properly.
>> No. 101351
This is my favorite Daring fic ever. It's really subtle with the ideas without being abstruse, and it's definitely a "thinkers' fic."

Get rid of the epigraph though. Unless it's also an epigram, it just comes across as pretentious.

That's your problem. EqD is for the thundering unwashed herd - and I don't think there's anything wrong with being able to appeal to the thundering unwashed herd.

See, it's actually more of a challenge to write something engaging than it is to write something smart. The first requires practice, while the second only requires being smart. You should put in the time, since the very best fics (and this one is headed in that direction as far as I'm concerned) succeed on both levels simultaneously.

Notes, not as much editing as I thought I'd do: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13FVSS4GY2r5M8gAUJSJglhiKK3C-CsAgflhLPDUL-Ro/edit

In a nutshell, I marked some scenes for deletion or reduction when they're made redundant in the next scene. You should spend less time focusing on how the ponies get in and out of Canterlot (They take the train. Further detail is irrelevant.) and more on bringing the University to life in the sensory imagination of the reader and of Dash. On the whole, your fic will probably grow. If I were revising, I'd punch out the things that aren't working and patch in new writing written longhand on a blank page.

Please take a look at some descriptive writing exercises. I love Word Painting by McClanahan. This is the skill that will make or break this story. And best of luck. This one is a real gem in the rough.
>> No. 101354
>>101351
Excuse me. I need to take off my T-shirt and put on a button-down long-sleeved dress shirt.

So that I can roll up my sleeves. Thank you very much for your time and advice alike.
>> No. 101365
>>101298
Thanks for reviewing my fic. I'll take everything you've said into consideration.

Though, I'd like to know if you can clarify your final thoughts a little more, I don't really understand what you're saying about the empathy, exaggerting, and connecting with the characters and all that.

Also, I'll see what I can do about single POV's. Would it work better if I translate some of the alternate POV's into spoken dialogue, do you think?

Good job picking up on the fact that I'm slowly seeding some other relationships here. My plan is for Sweetest Gem to be the first in a line of slice-of-life romance fics that'll all be connected to each other in certain ways. All I'll say for now is that yes, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash shall see some progression with that later on.

One more thing. Do you or anybody else know where I can find an online proofreader? Is there another place on /fic/ where I can take it to be proofread? I don't have someone to do that for me IRL.
>> No. 101371
>>101351

Eustatian Wings: Before I go too far into this rewrite... am I going in the right direction with this whole description business?

>Grand Central Station was the very heart of Canterlot. The roof of the terminal building formed a sweeping lattice of steel beams and glass windows angled to catch the cold light of dawn. It's vast interior was divided only by rows of bench seats and slender vertical girders, affording an unbroken view through the entire length of the hall. The concrete floor was inset with marble pathways and short stairways that divided the hall into shallow tiers and levels. It was nothing like the rest of Canterlot... though perhaps it resembled a network of fountains and reflecting pools left to dry. It was a warehouse of steel and glass and featureless grey. A too-large greenhouse stripped of it's moist soil and crisp greens.

>Ponies from all walks of life and from every corner of the civilized world ebbed and flowed. Crowds moved to and from the platforms, parading past each other as they arrived or departed. The lines for the terminal counters were long but swiftly moving. Station attendants marched about in crisp blue uniforms and mingled with the crowd to answer questions or offer advice. Some attendants pulled long trains of luggage carriers through the hall. Others led long trains of bright-eyed fillies and colts on tours. Even their schoolteachers gazed up at the architecture with childlike eyes. The heavy cargo trains were only visible from the very end of the departure platorm: tonnes of crates and boxes were being loaded and unloaded, many plastered with multi-lingual labels and ink stamps. Food and raw resources from the country traded places with crafted goods and furnishings.

>The station itself was a work of negative space. The endless expanse of grey and white gave contrast to the brightly colored sea of coats and manes. The sterile air came to life with the exotic perfumes and colognes of foreign visitors. The cold stone and metal did nothing to hinder the warm, tearful embraces of friends and families... whether united or divided. It was said that Canterlot's "soul" was more resplendent in it's theatres and galleries. But this terminal pulsed day and night without rest. There could be no argument that Grand Central Station was nothing less than the beating heart of a vibrant nation.

I think i got carried away. Seems long for an introduction to a short story. It doesn't even introduce any characters.
>> No. 101416
Tags: [Normal][Comedy]

Synopsis: Following Rainbow Dash screwing around with a set of magical horseshoes that change the shape of the wearer, she and her five best friends change species for real. They're forced to deal with the consequences of the change, with both its impact on their careers and the more subtle impact on their identities.

List of links to the story:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y76BUrHyNzSmoyidCS65wam5mT-DyWDaUPQPasS5emE/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15J19p2Sux8I6jc-PBv6wO5WRZ_InykZz9GQtLI5bnCA/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M8KZUg99CVrme01SAf5f8pSqRhL4e3Rg-G-QbcUhuMo/edit

Comments/requests:
The pre-readers of Equestria Daily said:
"Look for errors in the following areas:
Gender-specific terms
Comma use
Capitalization
Dialogue punctuation
Unclear phrasing
Hyphen use
Spacing
Use of quotes for emphasis
Tense confusion
Spelling
This also has some issues with telling versus showing, an overuse of adverbs, and a neglect of setting to some degree. The Omnibus should help with this.

The perspective of this story is also unclear and changes at the drop of a hat. Unless there's a very good reason, perspective should stay the same in a story. You begin this story in a sort of third person objective viewpoint, then switch to a variety of third person limited viewpoints, often changing perspective from paragraph to paragraph. This is both confusing and not necessary.

The use of parenthetical asides (like this one) are both frequent and distracting in this narrative; the story would likely be stronger if most of them were removed.

Rarity also feels a bit out of character here. Yes, she likes to sound "upper crust", but she shouldn't be throwing around more intellectual dialogue than Twilight."

My personal thoughts:
"The most major issue is perspective, I believe, and it is probably key to my further acceptance. I've put a fair chunk of work in trying to separate out the problem. I'm going for a Third Person Omniscient stance, but I don't want to be excessive about it. I want occasional access to others' thoughts and information the focal point character cannot know about, primarily. I want to have one consistent perspective throughout, however, so pointing out the spots where this is flawed would be great.

The specific issue of Rarity's voice has baffled me, if anyone could nail some specific instances (and maybe suggest fixes) that would be great. I've had some people point out places they had problems and think I got it sorted out, but if the pre-reader found it distracting, I want it dealt with.

I dealt with the parenthetical asides, none should be left. Please let me know if I left one in on accident in some fashion.

Lastly, cleanup: aside from any grammatical errors, if someone could flag these areas, that would be great:
1) Telling rather than showing
2) Places where setting could be established better

I'm worried about bloating the chapter lengths a lot, but I'm more worried about passing the EQD challenge."

Reposting from earlier thread.
>> No. 101423
Alright then. When I first saw this story, I claimed it at random without checking it first. I thought it was odd that I couldn't find the post, but after reading your story, now I know why. I'm sorry to say, but this story is not going to make it to EqD. You can go ahead and submit it though, just be aware that I told you in advance. I wasn't familiar with the crossover material, but if I was, I would have been tipped off immediately as to what was going to happen. Most reviewers would have dropped this immediately, but I kept reading the rest anyway. So I watched the video and found out that it's a lot more brutal than I anticipated. Although it's an interesting concept, it doesn't mesh for ponies very well. For what it's worth, I liked the concepts when it involved humans but when it involved ponies that I care for, the concept suddenly turned me squeamish.

There is gore, brutality, out of character characterization, implied rape, remarks about underage characters and their attractiveness(Apple booty) as well as death and concepts that will make most readers squeamish. All of that explains why your ponychan post was deleted. It was probably reported because those subjects are not allowed on Ponychan nor EqD. Crossovers already don't do well on EqD anyway and most crossovers are automooned depending on what it's being crossed over with. After seeing the movie and reading your fic, it sounds like the typical find-and-replace type of fic. That's when you take the characters of other television shows, movies, or other media and replace them with pony characters. When you do that, you completely ignore the characterizations of the canon character's personalities and what they would do in that situation. Claiming that it's an alternate universe doesn't allow you to completely change who the characters are, deep down inside. It only affects certain effects. But I really can't picture this happening.

Now, that doesn't mean that you have to stop writing this fic. It all depends on what your goals as a writer and for this story is. More than likely, it will never leave FimFiction. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but it's kinda the truth. Just from the subject matter, like stated before. If you're okay with that fact, then go ahead and keep going.

If you have kept reading so far and you still want help for your writing, then keep going. I will list a few of your system errors that are present through your entire prologue.

SYSTEMIC ERRORS:

Your fic is very confusing and awkwardly worded. I'm not sure if it's because you chose to write in present tense, but it feels very off-putting. Many readers tend to hit the back arrow when they see that kind of thing. Especially when you have all of the tense shifts which make it even more jarring. Many people have the argument that fics are "more exciting and urgent" if written in present tense, but they really aren't. Hunger Games got away with present tense, but they probably would have sold more if it was in past. It's not the same fic I know, but it's the same idea behind it. Using present tense just leads to you making more tense shifts, throwing the reader out of the story immediately.

The only reason I know what's happening at all is because this story follows the movie (or book) really closely. Of course, doing that leads to another host of problems, which I will explain at the end of this review. For now, onto the systemic errors.

Tense Shifts:

Since you decided to use present tense instead of past tense, be sure to be consistent. You constantly shift to different tenses while writing. Here are some examples.

>"For real!? Thanks!" Pipsqueak exclaimed

>Pinkie Pie giggled as they sat in the booth opposite to us.

>"Um, yes, I did... but Pinkie told me what to do! I can't cook at all!" Twilight covered her face as she kicked the floor.

>"For real!? Thanks!" Pipsqueak exclaimed as he snatched the bag up and opened it, gobbling down a cookie.

>I looked at the camera and smiled while Pipsqueak stood up on the bench and laid against the back of the seat and atop my shoulders.

>We all let out a giggle and laughed, smiling as the camera flashed and took the photo.

>Stepping forward as Pinkie's stepping aside, she walks up as both Pipsqueak and I looked at the lavender mare.

Missing Commas or Misuse

Many of your sentences are lacking commas or are put in the wrong place, thus making many strange sentence structures. Some examples are:

>“Please withhold questions until the lesson is over, class. I apologize for the inconvenience,” she replies only to be met with silence.

In this example, put a comma between "replies" and "only." You also need to put a comma when you have a sentence that sounds like this:

"Blah blah," she said, picking up a tire iron.

Many of your sentences are missing that comma that follows the "said" which is supposed to separate the action verbs.

If I pointed out every example in a line by line review, I'd point out way too many, so I'll just leave you with this helpful resource.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/1/


Telling Problems

You have some issues with telling over here. That's when you write something that a character feels, but you aren't actually saying anything. Here are some examples of them.

>with sadness on her face.
>asks with a tone of worry.

When your characters feel or act a certain way, you keep telling us which is bad. Look at the below document and scroll down to Show vs Tell.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US

Dialogue Punctuation

>"No thank you, go ahead." I replied.
>"No, it's... hah, not that guys. I'm just not hungry." I said, calming down.

Your dialogue punctuation is wrong. I could copy and paste all of the stuff involving dialogue punctuation but instead I'll just link to Ezn's guide. Scroll down to the "Dialogue - Said Tags" section and look at it. It's a much better explanation than what I could do.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit

Awkward Sounding Sentences

A lot of your sentence structures are awkward, confusing, weird, etc. There's no real way to help with this besides reading more books/fics and reading your story out loud. Being a nonnative English speaker means that you have more obstacles to move across when it comes to this, but still possible. I wish I knew how to help, but I'll offer some examples of strange-sounding sentences.

>We took a look at it Pipsqueak let out a gasp while Twilight and I snorted, holding back a fit of
giggles.

>Looking up to the caretaker, who just walked in, stared at her with wonder in my eyes and asked a question.

>I asked as my friends in the room all thought the same question.

>I don't know why she was sad, but later in life, I had discovered.

>After a few steps, I finally trip on the friction of the ground unable to keep sliding backwards.

>The projectile in question impacted Twist; a small knife easily penetrating the fur coat, the skin, and the thick skull of the pony directly impaling the shocked pony. Instantly, my classmate, one of my friend's friend, the friend who always enjoyed sharing sweets, the pony who, like all of us, is innocent, ceased to be.

>"What do yo-" I said only to have the caretaker's hoof placed over my mouth preventing me from asking.

>Twilight is chasing the pink mare full swing with a blush creeping across her lavender face, almost panicking at Pinkie's choice. All around, chatter goes about as the entire class excitedly conversed about what they will do on the trip, how much fun it will be, Pipsqueak went on about how happy he is, and Pinkie and Twilight are the only ones not indulging in excited chatter. Pinkie zipped by the ponies as she dashes into the next train car with Twilight dead on her tail. She practically stops dead in her tracks, Twilight slamming into her from behind as if Pinkie were a brick wall.

Here's another example of the confusing sentence thing. Look at the following two sentences. In the story, they follow right after another. According to what you're saying, Twilight is inside the bag of sweets.

>"Hi, boys! Twilight made this for you, Spike-wikey and Pippysqueaky!" Pinkie said, tossing the bag of sweets onto my lap.

>Twilight recollects herself before actually realizing she is in it.

Hmm... yeah.

Misc. Notes

>then it's like somepony injected me with an aphrodisiac.

I don't think that word (aphrodisiac) means what you think it means. Unless you're implying that Spike became aroused. after he saw some other pony die in front of him, I would change that word.

>"I'm sorry, I'm late and..." Twilight began to say. "... and I don't know what's going on...?"

Multiple punctuation marks are bad, cut them out. In this case, remove the ellipsis at the end of the second sentence. Also, the ellipsis in the beginning of the second sentence is also pointless since it's continuing from the last one, so cut that too.

"Began to say" is also strange. That makes it sound like she was about to say something, but she didn't. So then, she didn't really say anything and the sentence is moot. It's better to just replace it with an action indicating what she did. In this case, let's try:

"I'm sorry, I'm late and..." Twilight paused when she saw the empty classroom.

See? Doesn't that sound better?

>"Hey Twilight, lets go!" a pink mare named Pinkamina, better known as Pinkie, said, nudging Twilight as both ponies sat at the back of the train car.

To make this sentence grammatically correct, add a comma before "hey." But still, that sounds like a weird sentence.

>Twilight hid her face behind her hooves, a small bag of sweets in her hand.

Hehe, looks like you missed a word there. Twilight doesn't have hands.

>"For real!? Thanks!" Pipsqueak exclaimed

Axe the first exclamation point in the first sentence.

>Next to Scootaloo sits colt-killer Sweetie Belle; widely known for her good looks and amazing voice... and finally, one-of-the-colts, Applebloom; widely known for... having an "applebooty".

Semi-colons don't work like that, those ellipses don't belong there, and the applebooty thing is just creepy. I'm going to have more words about the applebooty thing later on.

Ellipses Abuse:

You overuse the ellipses way too much. When you do that, it sorta loses impact. Yeah, you did it to indicate pauses and the stream of conciousness, but it is extremely annoying to read. You can substitute commas and dashes for ellipses as well. Do a Ctrl+F for "..." and see how many you have, because you have way too many.

FINAL CONCERNS:

Let's see, since your fic seems to be a find-and-replace fic, then if we match the characters from the show with the characters on here, then it looks like...

That can't be right. The main male character is Spike and the main female is Twilight. But that would mean SpikexTwilight? Nonono, that can't be right. Celestia is the teacher, who apparently kills ponies maliciously, curses, sounds nothing like herself, and raped Cheerilee? Nonono. Spike curses and calls Twilight an egghead too. My headcanon cannot allow these characterizations to exist.

Yea, no. This fic isn't going to work if you want to get on EqD. There are too many subjects in it which are inappropriate. Let's go over what exists in this fic. Gore, violence, brutality, implied rape, implied pedofilia (Making attractive comments about underage characters = do not want), death, and much more. Not to mention that none of the characters really act like themselves. They are very OoC (Out of character). Great idea for humans, but not for ponies. EqD puts up fics for the mainstream and most people hate to see their ponies killed off unless it's justified.

Ugh, I'm sorry but I can't really help you that much with this. The subject matter is rather squicky. Still, I hope the other stuff I mentioned can help you with improving your writing. If it does, this review would still be helpful. Like I said, you don't have to stop writing your fic. You just won't be able to get it onto EqD unless you changed a lot of things. A lot. Anyhoo, I hope this doesn't discourage you from writing completely, but I didn't want to give you any false hopes for this particular piece. If you felt I was unfair with this review, feel free to tell me so. As always, keep writing.
>> No. 101425
Tags: [Grimdark] [Crossover]

Synopsis: Coping with amnesia, a colt struggles to rediscover his true self in a world where danger lurks around every corner. He will soon find out though, that the truth may have been better off left buried in secrecy forever...

Links:

[Story] - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2437/Into-Darkness

[EqD e-mail (Only applies to the prologue, but I'm sure the problems are shared between chapters)] - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t3mUoZtV6yJH6HEz32Q6SKbZ2cjLIMivV8hviJdjGQQ/edit

[Comments, et cetera] - I know this is a lot to go through, but I've already gone through it three times on my own, and I've still managed to miss out on a bunch of really small stuff (As you'll notice in the e-mail), and it's all in just the prologue. I'm looking for somebody who's willing to nitpick and get rid of all those nasty errors that are littered across my story. I don't think my character is a Gary Stu, though it would help to get a second opinion. Thanks for your help, and I look forward to your criticism.
>> No. 101426
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101426
>>99444

I'm not sure why I'm doing this. It's awful long and the grammar is kinda thick. I'm also not laughing as much as I wanted. Oh well, I said I would, and I will. I might not do this very quickly, as I've got a lot of other stuff I'd like to do, but I'll get this done.
>> No. 101431
File 133645018054.jpg - (7.52KB , 249x202 , sadscoots.jpg )
101431
Is my entry being reviewed by anypony? I noticed somepony claimed it but I've seen no review posted for it. It's been four days.
my story submission>>100839
claimer(?)>>100860
>> No. 101432
>>100946

Thank you very much, Dromer. I'll have to think about what you said, perhaps change how events unfold. I suppose it's difficult to make boring peacetime interesting.

Hooray~ I have to write another scene before I can edit Chapter 2. Maybe I'll just condense the two chapters into one. There is a little bit more to Chapter 2, besides establishing character.

Ah~ I'm just thinking out loud now...I'll stop rambling...
>> No. 101433
>>101431
I don't see a record of it in the queue. Did you fill out the submission form?

AzuNyan is around enough that he knows what he's doing. 4 days isn't a bad wait. Depending on the fic, a review can take upwards of a week. Plus it's finals time for many of the reviewers.
>> No. 101434
>>101431
Give it time. Most reviews take more time than you think. We put a lot of blood and sweat into them, well most of us do.
>> No. 101453
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101453
>>101433
No I thought that form was optional. And four days is normal?! Well I guess I'll be more patient then, I try to respond within a day to stories in my queue so I guess I'm just not used to that.
>> No. 101454
>>101433
Or, like the samurai, weeks. But they are pretty good to read...
>> No. 101464
File 133646588329.jpg - (36.05KB , 202x167 , SummerSparks.jpg )
101464
Shadow of Dreams

Author: Keyframe

Tags: R63, OC, Mild-Shipping, alternate universe, normal

Synopsis: The third chapter of an earth pony who moved to Ponyville. She dreams of flying and is building a flying machine with the residents of Ponyville, but with the rodeo in town and a broken robot things will get out of hand.

Links:[Storypage]
http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=category&search=Shadow+of+dreams
Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INpkJ0bqz04ovm6qjUgWhqXx43GWSSR5SkXYGahxQ5I/edit {Comments enabled}
Just chapter 3 please.
>> No. 101467
>>101423
Understood, thanks for the reply. I am still trying to get used to writing present tense so it's nice to see how bad a writer I am still. Some things in the review I understand while several other aren't necessarily true; every character who is underage is written as if they're of age (the Cake's twins appear).

Some of the darker accusations are true, since the original novel this is based on is pretty damn dark with many implications (I toned it down a lot).

Thanks for your review and I'll take into consideration what you said.

Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 101470
Title: Excerpts from a Filth Diary

Author: SR Foxley

Tags: normal, bittersweet, slice of life

Synopsis: Have you ever wondered what kind of parents would name their foal "Filthy?" Just what happened to Applejack's parents, and why is Diamond Tiara such a mean little filly, especially to Apple Bloom? Some speculative answers on this and more in this different take on Ponyville's richest citizen.

(Filthy Rich writes a letter to his daughter Diamond Tiara describing some of the events in his life which have made him into the pony he is today. In the process we discover more about the Apple family and the way the Rich family has also helped shape Ponyville's history.)

In the chapters for this review: Young Filthy Rich's introduction to the other foals in school in Ponyville could have gone better, Filthy participates in his first zap apple harvest, and we learn a lot more about Filthy's grandfather Stinking Rich when Filthy decides to ask Honeycrisp Apple to be his very special somepony.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20575/Excerpts-from-a-Filthy-Diary

Chapters I'm requesting to be reviewed: 1-3

Author's note: These first three chapters are the beginning of a complete rewrite of the original diary (which was only diary) I had written and submitted to EQD.

EQD pre-reader comments (those that may still apply): Through the entire story, I was thinking to myself, "There's not nearly enough here. If it weren't for the 'Excerpts' part of the title, I'd consider this unfinished. The author needs to make these time jumps less wide." Then I got to the end, with the last will and the short bit of narrative, and was less sure in this appraisal. That Filthy is actually compiling bits of his journal for his daughter gives this purpose; however, it still feels stretched, abrupt and purposeless until one reaches the end. So I'm going to say you need to add in more, and I have two suggestions for you, both of which stretch my place as a pre-reader. First, you could just add in more journal. Give us extra backstory during the large jumps, both temporal and eventful. Second, and this is where I'm stretching myself, you could try integrating the narrative into the journal. Set us up from the opening with Filthy writing his will, going back through his diary and picking pieces out. For the shorter entries, give us his thoughts on them; fill in with flashbacks what isn't in the diary itself. This ties in with the previous bullet point because, if he's cherry-picking excerpts, he may also be rewriting them to add in detail. Or, again, you could put the dialogue into the flashbacks so that the reader lives the events which occurred.

This was a very good look into Filthy Rich as a character. I feel like you tied up a lot of backstory very nicely and the characters were all believable, not to mention you used the journal format in a purposeful
manner. Please forgive me for suggesting you add more and change your approach, but this sort of story is very popular right now, and I think this could stand out from the crowd with a bit more work. I hope you'll take my suggestions under review, and I look forward to seeing this story come back.
>> No. 101482
>>101467

>every character who is underage is written as if they're of age (the Cake's twins appear).

Ah, that would make more sense then, yesh. Just imagine what someone else would think if they read the Cake Twins being killed. They'd probably jump to conclusions. Especially if you have your ponies kill themselves like some of the people do in the movie/book. Not saying that this happens to them specifically, though. I'm guessing that the Cake Twins would be gunned down for calling for help (Now I must finish watching that movie and pay attention to any group of two ponies). This topic is very dark and may be toned down, but it's still ponies so some people might be... indifferent. But yea, it's very toned down in comparison. Something I didn't mention before was the sort of Infodump in the beginning in italics. It completely makes sense when it comes to the crossover, but for the fic, it might seem like a rather unimportant block. It paints a picture of a society that is out of control. I guess if I picture Celestia as Tyrant Celestia, it might work sans the dialogue.

Also, I should probably clarify something. Although I didn't like reading it as much as I thought I would (Not your fault, it's mine), that doesn't mean that everyone else will dislike your fic. However, the majority of people will find it off-putting. At least on FimFiction, you'll have a few fans there that will enjoy your writing. The present tense isn't a problem per se(I apologize if I put it in the wrong section) but many readers will get turned off by it. This fic has a lot of shock value though.

And don't fret about the bad writer thing. The more you improve your writing, the more you'll end up criticizing yourself. Even if you take away the tl;dr version of "this story isn't appropriate for EqD" I'm hoping that the rest of the review concerning your review is informative enough for you to get started. Mainly, working on dialogue punctuation, tense shifts, and excessive ellipses first would be a good idea.
>> No. 101492
>>101482
To be honest, I'm not one for trying to get onto EqD, sending fics in to EqD is just a nice way to know where you stand in terms of writing and editor choices. This fic, although will never see the light of day on EqD's grounds, will enjoy the fanbase it has right now and will get with subsequent updates. Your insight is valued and as I said, every bit counts in the long run if it makes me a better writer and the fic better overall.

Thanks for your review.
>> No. 101495
This isn't a review request, but I thought it would be best to ask this question here.

I'm not a reviewer, so I guess I'm asking for a little bit of a reviewer's perspective.

I've been writing fanfics for about a month. While I had been writing original fiction very off and on for 8 years, this is the first time I'm received significant feedback on my work. Simply put, I'm trying to learn as much as I can.

My main concern is if I'm ever wasting a reviewer's time. I tend to think over my stories very elaborately and I like to know exactly what I'm doing wrong. As such, I find it hard to resist the temptation to ask my reviewer to elaborate on many points; I also tend to have many questions on writing style and technique in general, such as the more complex elements of show, don't tell.

Case in point: yesterday I tossed my fic in the IRC chat for some feedback. I ended up talking with my impromptu reviewer for over two hours about the story, mainly concerning characterization and show don't tell. I felt a little bad because I didn't fully grasp the concepts right away. I'm someone who learns by example, so often a blanket statement of what I'm doing wrong isn't very helpful; I need a specific example of where things went wrong. This is why I often ask reviewers to elaborate on their points.

Is this wasting a reviewer's time? I hate to feel like a burden, but asking tons of questions is how I learn. Is the review supposed to be done after it has been typed up? Or do you guys honestly don't mind if I come knocking on your door in the IRC? What makes me feel the worst is that I don't have anything to offer myself. I'm not a good reviewer, so I can't give detailed feedback on my reviewer's work should they request it.

I don't want to give the impression that I ask my reviewers tons of questions just to indulge in my writing or seek approval of my concept/ideas. I'm just trying to learn as much as I can about how to execute these ideas.

So if other reviewers could give me their perspective on this sort of thing, it would hopefully put these concerns at ease.

Thanks :)
>> No. 101499
>>101492

I'm glad you feel that way and aren't giving up on writing. Since you still want to improve, I'm going to write up a post on showing vs telling as well as how to spot it and other misc things. I'm sure others could find that post useful as well, so that's why I'm posting it here instead of just emailing it.

>>101495

The only way you could waste a reviewer's time is if you stop writing completely or outright tell them to shut their face. Many reviewers are willing to elaborate on said points if you ask them too. The reason for being general at first is because we aren't sure if the authors care about their story enough to improve their writing or if they just want to be hugboxed. If you get a review and you come back later and want to know more, that means you're willing to improve and we're more likely to help you. So don't fret, you're not wasting our time.

Besides, asking questions is how people learn. If you didn't learn, what would the point of coming here be? Some people learn at different rates, some slower than others, but if you're willing to learn, that's all that matters. Just a small warning though, help for fics usually happens on #ttg. It can also happen on #fic (despite what some people say), but it's more likely to derail into a different conversation. If you really want help, you could always PM a specific person as well. Never be afraid of asking questions though. <3
>> No. 101504
>>101495
>I felt a little bad because I didn't fully grasp the concepts right away. I'm someone who learns by example, so often a blanket statement of what I'm doing wrong isn't very helpful; I need a specific example of where things went wrong. This is why I often ask reviewers to elaborate on their points.

When I do a review there are usually two parts to it: A review that summarizes overall problems, and a line-by-line commentary of the original work. Each half is equally important.

I try to be very thorough with the line-by-line. It's a great deal of work, but I believe it's important for the writer to know what they did wrong and where. I believe that 90% of the problem is seeing what's wrong in the first place: because I point it out every time, it reinforces the presence of the error in the writer's mind. I don't really edit for the benefit of a single story. I am investing in the writer's future works.

Unfortunately, my brother pointed out that this might not be productive at all. If I point out the problems every time, the writer is never forced to search for them on their own. I've done all the work myself, and thus removed the need to learn. As much as I want to disagree with him, I have to admit he's probably right.

I know that when other reviewers do a line-by-line, they'll sometimes point out an error three times, and then say "I expect you to find this on your own from now on." I don't agree with this. If the write could see their own problems, they wouldn't need an editor in the first place.

I'm still thinking about how to deal with this. Ultimately, the purpose of a review is to improve the writer. Not the story. On that note, I've only ever felt that one of my reviews was a waste of time: my review of Gernon's "Stranger from the North."
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AvP_HujXLA45ozJ-h5skU9OxYOXi09bJnmU61GkPVBY/edit
The story was really really bad, but that had absolutely nothing to do with my complaint. I felt I had wasted my time because the writer never got back to me. Never sent a thank you note, nor did he acknowledge or argue the advice I gave. I honestly would have been happier if he'd cussed me out i na frothing rage. Anything at all would have been better than nothing.

So that's what it takes to waste my time: learn nothing.

Note: If someone here knows that Gernon really did try get back to me, and I just never noticed, please let me know. I'll gladly apologize for my complaint.
>> No. 101506
>>101504

Psst Duncan, he did get back to you. Look at the below post.

>>100995

Anyhoo, there have been many debates about the value of a line by line vs the time it takes to write up a review, as well as whether reviewing is the same as editors or if pointing out every mistake helps or hurts the writers. I could discuss more with you in your review doc if you'd like.
>> No. 101508
>>100995
It has been pointed out to me that Gernon did get back to me, but I never noticed his post.

*ahem*

Gernon: I totally apologize for what I said, and I admit I was wrong. I take back everything mean I said about you. I hope you found my review useful and wish you luck as you continue to write.
>> No. 101511
>>101506
>Anyhoo, there have been many debates about the value of a line by line vs the time it takes to write up a review, as well as whether reviewing is the same as editors or if pointing out every mistake helps or hurts the writers.

I would say, emphatically, that reviewing is not the same as proofreading. Those are two entirely different things.

But in both cases, it's important for the writer to learn to self-edit.
>> No. 101516
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101516
>>101499
>>101504
I used to do full-on line by line, but then I took awkward word choices OOC moments plotholes to the knee found out that the more attention I paid to missing commas, the less of the big picture I saw. I'm going for a "point out every instance until you get bored of doing it" stance, now, and then adding a link to resource material, or useful copypasta, in the summary post in TTG.

>>101511
Imo, line by line is nigh indistinguishable from a proofread/edit.
>> No. 101519
>>101499
Alright, thanks for your effort.
>> No. 101546
>>101519
Tags: Going to have a bit of most everything but Grimdark.

Synopsis: The end of the show that started a phenomenon. Familiar faces return, new players come to the field, and the powers of friendship will be tested as the entire world is plunged into its greatest danger yet...

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1adcS_EBZJJLsSnFz4vppLkmciK8R-7MDwE5EFlFDrE0/edit

Comments: Hello; it's me again. I was wisely advised by several reviewers to chop this into more bite-sized pieces, and I also did a bit of trimming on the side by getting rid of some unneeded plot-points. The above link goes to a google doc with separate links to each chapter(as the collection links will not allow you to comment for some odd reason). It's still a long fic, but I hope some of you will try and do what you can for it. Even if you can only get a few chapters, instead of the whole story, I can't imagine some advice won't go a long ways.

When I submitted it to EQD I got the following email in reply (Here is another link): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aLAbp6K4W83dMjFAHWq4CiEwCRPCiTFx0w8g1PecC0I/edit

Most problems seemed to stem from various details I overlooked, and the fact that it was an 80000+ document(submitted all in one piece) at first did not help matters, I'd imagine; the pre-reader couldn't even get through page ten. This is the first in what hopefully would be a line of episodes, but only if I can get these to work.

Do what you can, I certainly appreciated the previous feedback I got from here, and I wish you the best of luck.

(P.S., if I am making a mistake in how I am posting this on the thread, please give me a little patience. I am extremely new at this.)
>> No. 101601
According to your comment, you want "constructive criticism." Since that's really vague, I assume that means you want a basic review of your story and some of the aspects regarding it. Well, let's get started then, shall we? Since you're using FimFiction, I'll just copy and paste your review here.

The First Scene:

>“I said you may stand at ease, Lieutenant.” The princess said calmly.

This is a dialogue attribution error and they pop up throughout your fic. Let me explain what that means with a copy-paste.

You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark.

If you'd like more information regarding dialogue punctuation, check the Omnibus and Ezn's guide in the links below.

Ezn's Guide:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit?hl=en_US

Omnibus:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US

If you'd like to see more information about dialogue punctuation or anything in this review, let me know and I'll give you some more examples.

>“Thank you, Your Majesty, but this posture keeps me quite at ease.” Scarlet said back in a crisp, polite tone.

First, saying "back" is redundant and makes the sentence awkward. There's usually no need to have characters turn to face each other, talk or respond back to each other, or any variation since it's implied. Also, telling the reader what the tone of voice is more telling. Imply the tone of voice through dialogue and it won't be needed at all. If you can't do that, axe that phrase altogether.

Also, like mentioned above, it has dialogue punctuation errors. I don't need to point it out except to say that you need to go back and specifically check for this yourself. I would do it but it's not Gdocs.

>“Very well,” Celestia said using her horn magic to levitate up a scroll.

Missing a comma after "said." Also, delete "up." It's usually implied when stuff is levitated to fly upwards, right?

Looking at the rest of your story, if you have an action after a speaking verb, there must always follow a comma. Here is an example of a missing comma.

"Wow, that's huge!" she said levitating the book from the floor.

It should say this:

"Wow, that's huge!" she said, levitating the book from the floor.

>the princess

You say "the princess" about six times in a very short time period instead of just saying her name, which is Celestia. This is a variation of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, except that instead of using a descriptor, you just use the noun instead. Here's the definition of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS).

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

Instead of saying "the princess" so many times, just say "Princess Celestia" instead. If she's doing a bunch of actions in a row, then feel free to use pronouns for variation. If you can't do that, some rewording of your sentences are in order.

>After a few quiet moments, the princess placed the scroll it on the table next to the grand fireplace, and looked up at her.

You have an extra "it" in the middle of the table and that comma next to "and" doesn't belong there. So delete both of those and you're good.

>Scarlet Gala stood at attention in the luxurious private quarters of Princess Celestia.
>She knew the princess's request to see her this late in her chambers was not a good sign.

>“I have read your superior officer’s report.” The princess said glancing down at the scroll she had just put down.

That first period should be a comma and the "The" that comes after it should be lower-cased. There is also a missing comma after "said." Also, I don't think the "she had just put down" part of the sentence is necessary. Consider deleting it.

>Scarlet said not dropping her posture.

I've noticed that many commas are a bit misplaced, so I'll leave you with this helpful resource.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/1/

Unfortunately, sometimes commas can be a stylistic choice so the line can get blurred sometimes depending on the meaning of the sentence you want to convey, so you may want to double-check whether or not you actually mean what the sentence said. Of course, many of them are used incorrectly, so give that webpage a look.

Some more examples of misplacing of commas are:

The princess said turning towards the fire, her back to Scarlet.
Celestia turned around to face her, and sat back on her haunches.

>Celestia looked down at Scarlet with a soft look.

There are only two ponies in the room, right? So "at Scarlet" can be cut and the sentence means the same thing. However, the remaining sentence is still telly when you look at the rest. It also repeats itself with "looked" and "look." In my opinion, I would just cut this line and replace it with a line that describes what her face actually looks like.

Second Scene:

I feel like a lot of your events are rushed or telling. An example of this is:

Scarlet did not argue or say anything about her post during the briefing, she was always calm and patient. Her mother, since she was little, always laughed at her about her calm and quiet demeanor. She told Scarlet it was a trait she picked up from her father, along with his tall and strong build.

>he was calm and soft spoken pony (just like her)

Try not to use parenthesis in narrative. Find a way to reword it into the sentence instead. You can usually convey the same information by setting it off with commas or dashes anyway.

>Cheerilee as a teacher at a unicorn academy

It seems a little weird that an earth pony is teaching at a unicorn (I assume) school. I assume you did that because you needed her to move to Canterlot, right?

>Scarlet was a Canterlot filly through in though
Scarlet was a Canterlot filly through and through

>The entire scene until Scarlet hears Applejack

Okay, this entire scene is telling and not engaging at all. Instead of just telling us traits she has, show them in action or don't mention them at all. Show some flashbacks of her past or something, don't just say "she was like this and this."

Here's a copypaste from Logician that can help explain this a bit more.

Readers want the play, not the script. "Showing" is incorporating the characters' feelings into their actions, thoughts, and dialogue instead of that boring old coot, The Narrator, telling us what they're feeling. If a scene is tense or sad, the characters should seem anxious or grieved. And for Celestia's sake, stop explaining everything! Readers aren't idiots, and some actually have the capability of abstract thought, believe it or not. With the exception of imagery, implicit is better than explicit. It sinks in better if they have to think about it for a second.

Alright then, let me try to explain it another way. Since you are telling us most of the events that are happening in the story instead of showing us, I'm kinda feeling a tad uninterested. It's like when your friend tells you about his day, but he talks for the next three hours about it.

>Scarlet’s thoughts seem to scream at her.

"seem to" sounds superfluous, you can cut it.

>Scarlet turned her head towards the marketplace, finally breaking the frozen position she had been holding for nearly three hours.

>She could not see Applejack or anypony in the marketplace showing signs that anything was wrong.

This sounds very strange for a sentence.

>The child molester plot device.

Meh, this plot doesn't really seem that interesting to me. It's not really a dilemma if the two kids were being chased by a threat. Is she really having issues with not knowing which was important? I can understand if she took issue if she really did just wander from her post because she saw her family and wanted to connect with this, but this is just silly. She's a guard, she's supposed to help other ponies. Besides, she left for like 5 minutes after staying there for 3 hours. I guess I just don't understand why Shining Armor exploded before hearing a reason first. I understand him being mad, but you make it sound like she stabbed his wife.

Sorry, I went off-tangent. It just doesn't seem like she should have anything to worry about.

>He said very sternly.

More telling, implied by dialogue so it isn't needed.

Last Scene:

>“What I wanted to tell you is, if I had to face that choice again; between my crown or my sister.

You're misusing that semi-colon. A semi-colon connects two independent clauses. "between my crown and my sister" is not a complete sentence, so a bit of rewording of this is in order.

>Scarlet had finished her story to the princess, telling her the things she had witnessed, leaving out all personal feelings, and more importantly leaving out her own discovery of the her family connection with the twins.

That explanation would probably only last a few seconds then. "I saw someone shady run after two defenseless fillies, so I followed them."

I'm glad that you didn't decide to make Celestia scold Scarlot for making a choice, because that would have been really stupid. She did what she thought was right, and that's all that matters. Even if it wasn't Applejack's kids.

Anyhoo, same systemic errors appear through the entire fic, so keep a lookout for those. Dialogue attribution errors for everything, more telling, commas, everything I basically mentioned. In my opinion, the story premise is sweet albeit I still think it's weird that Scarlet acted that way. Perhaps because I haven't seen her in action before and I wouldn't know what she would do in any given situation. Perhaps if there was a scene where she made a decision based on something similar, but she chose differently this time for whatever reason, I could make a justification for her characterization. But it's harder to feel for her because the majority of this story is very telling. So the premise is fine, but the execution is lacking a bit.

That being said, don't stop writing. It's still a nice story, it's just that it could become much better, should you choose to do so. If you want more examples on how to fix certain problems or you want me to elaborate more, please let me know and I will do my best to do so.
>> No. 101615
>>101601
yes! yes! yes!

Thank you for your review. What I meant by constructive criticism was I wanted a review that told me things to improve and not just tell me positives. You did just that. Thank you!

Commas are becoming the bane of my writing existence. Thank you for your examples these are a big help.

You've given me some good things for me to consider on fleshing out Scarlet. Why not throw some a flashback in there? It could not only build up Scarlet as a character, but give a more justification and urgency to decision.

Honestly the story was written back in January and I changed Scarlet's CO in to Shining Armor just recently to keep a little cannon. I know he's out of character.

Thank you again. Your review has given me good skills and pointers I can carry over in to my other works!

I'd love hear anymore comments or suggestions if have anything else to add.

-Chappy Hooves
>> No. 101618
>>100490
I already have my story up in the review queue, this is just an update. I have moved my story on to Google Docs, as it seems to be a convenient for the reviewers. I would also like to point out that I have added Part 4 since my original post.
Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13tsRe9R4_Mi3CZDIQjWMmmUwkAmBUt5wmyGebxRfbnQ/edit
Part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11ZZ9boSfTHjheMV0T8AA3gsL28K5C6tlBxfq2Tq3kqQ/edit
Part 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ghc2d51fITrxJZSc7UYrQGmzc6z_rCBLJLC8N9bmbB4/edit
Part 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YqwPN4knonE3lkV8YEkubAEPHl-Ps3bxDDNoz9BGE9I/edit

Thank you in advanced for whoever does end up reviewing my story.
>> No. 101620
File 133653238324.jpg - (33.39KB , 620x392 , 28552-141121-ristarPNG-620x.jpg )
101620
I finally figured it was my turn to try my hand at fanfiction after so many years of absence at writing one, but I'm running into a bunch of roadbumps, and I was wondering if you guys could give me some pointers on my fic so far, and more importantly, some suggested solutions.

Title: The Conversion Bureau: By The Sword

Tags: #Human, #Sad, #Tragedy(?)

Synopsis: A man who has stared into the dark abyss of humanity never hopes to see any more than he has to. This man in particular wants nothing more than to escape after taking a look himself. In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is cursed.

Link: http://goo.gl/gfszL

Notes: Based off of Chatoyance's ideas and sub-fanon for the Conversion Bureau universe. I already have a few ideas for what the problems for my fic are already: The pace is too fast, for one. I just can't seem to stay focused on any plot point for the amount of time each one deserves without running out of material or repeating myself. Two, since it is a piece solely driven by narrative, and delivered by a narrarator with a casual tone, there is no room for eloquency, which I think drags the work down from the start. Third, there are a couple plot holes that need patching up, but I'm not sure how to do so without burdening the reader with an inappropriate exposition dump that would easily break the story's flow, which is all the more disastrous to a narrative piece. Also, one more thing to mention is that this fic is not finished yet, but it is relatively close. I am planning a big twist ending, and I had even written one out, but I was unhappy with how it came together, so I scrapped it.

Anyway, any and all comments about my fanfiction would be greatly appreciated! :)

-Ristar, the Shooting Star
>> No. 101623
>>101615

Yea, commas are very subjective and an endless debate in the writing world. They can get very annoying indeed. I think a flashback would be wonderful as well, give me some more as to her character. Maybe I'm a bit weird, but I felt that it was short and could have been extended to give us a bigger insight. Make us care about the character, you know? I am also curious as to if she meets her mom again but from the looks of the story, it's a one-shot and we'll never know. That part was just done to show that Scarlet is starting to care about her family again.

As for being written in January, I did see the date on your document. That was before we knew about Shining Armor, I believe. I would recommend changing that to an OC, because him being out of character just makes me feel slighted because the Shining Armor from Canon is nice and kind-hearted.

Anyhoo, good luck and keep writing. Let me know if you would like any more elaboration on anything or if you want to discuss something. I'm always glad to help.
>> No. 101624
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101624
>>101431
Sorry that I took so long. I've been busy formatting an Ebook for Kindle. I'll take a look at your fic right now.
>> No. 101625
Alright, this is the review for the Prologue of Crescent Eclipse. Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds, my name is Dublio. First I'll start with addressing your pre-reader's concerns, followed by a line by line of your prologue that mentions many examples of your mistakes followed by a general review section which lists my thoughts and other concerns. After you go through, you might also want to recheck your own work and see if you can point out similar errors on your own. For now, the review just contains the prologue. Chapter 1 will be in the next post, but since I didn't want to keep you waiting, here's the prologue review to keep you satisfied.

PRE-READER CONCERNS:

If you have spelling problems, use a spell-checker. Those are normally available when using Firefox or Microsoft Office Word.

As for semi-colons, I don't really use them much, but they are normally used to put two independent clauses together if they're related. All I can offer for that is this resource.

http://depts.dyc.edu/learningcenter/owl/semicolons.htm

As for the tenses and missing letters, that's something that has to be done through proofreading. Here's a good resource for that.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/01/

I didn't notice any tense shifts in the prologue though.

As for the comma usage, I'll mention some examples below and link to yet another resource that can help you. I'll put it in the general review section.

>emdash use.

This is an em-dash. ----> —

Copy that and paste it over every place that you have "--" or "-"

Although sometimes a dash separated by spaces sometimes depending on the kind of English you're using. English is such a confusing language, sheesh.

>use of tildes in fiction writing

I assume that's the "~" I saw that you deleted the "~" mentioned, but you left a space there. Don't forget to delete that. Some people will just recommend that you say "Twilight..." instead. So the sentence should look like:

"—light. Twilight... Twilight!"

>Dialogue Punctuation

There's a good resource located in Ezn's Guide and the Omnibus. I have listed it below in the general review section. Take a look at it, would you?

LINE BY LINE FOR PROLOGUE:

>breathe-taking

breathtaking

>his face set in a blank and unblinking mask that effectively hid whatever inner machinations may have been running thought his mind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNZSXnrbs_k

>In truth his thoughts had been turning to darker and more sinister paths, much as they had been doing more and more often as of late, but thankfully before such worries could consume his mind the sharp sensation of morning's light snapped his focus back to the world around him.

This is a very wordy sentence and a bit confusing.

>Given his special talent he was sensitive

comma missing between "talent" and "he"

>In light of recent events he was surprised she was still holding together at all.

comma missing between "events" and "he"

>In light of recent events he was surprised she was still holding together at all.

What would that be? Them settling in the town or something else?

>Truth be told he was glad to have her along.

comma missing between "told" and "he"

>He eyed her appraising, and when she noticed she offered a small but reassuring smile that put him at ease.

I'm not really sure what's happening here according to the first part of the sentence. I assume he's looking at her, and then he looked back, but I'm not sure.

>The pegasus was a fierce, tough and bold sort of pony, always able to handle whatever came his way in stride. As strange and incredible as recent events had been, he was the least likely of the three of them to be seriously affected.

All of this is telling the reader how somepony is, but it's usually a better idea to show off a pony's traits by their actions in the story. If you can't find a way to incorporate this into the story, I would suggest cutting it as it leads to telling vs showing problems. When I write the general part of the review, I will explain more about that.

>I can't just let you have all the adventure without me now can I?" He said,

This sentence is missing a comma and that "he" at the end should be lowercase. It should look like this.

"I can't just let you have all of the adventure without me now, can I?" he said

>sceptically
skeptically

>the unicorn
>the pegasus

Just use their names, because the reader will be confused otherwise as they try to keep track of which character was which race. The longer a reader spends trying to figure out something that can be avoided, the more likely they'll be booted from a story. This is a variation of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, which I'll mention later.

>The red pony

Watch out for descriptions + type of pony because it can get confusing in your story real fast as to what's happening to who. Using too many descriptions (usually color + pony) leads to something called Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Here's a copy paste from Vanner that explains it better.

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

>"What?" he asked, trying to determine the cause of her perturbence.

Just cut it off at "he asked." Otherwise the reader will just go "Wut?"

>He chuckled lightly at her indignant reply before responding,

An unwieldy sentence. Just say "He chuckled" and it means pretty much the same thing, does it not?

>She lost her perturbed expression

Did she check the lost-and-found?

>Cress felt somewhat more relaxed after their small back-and-forth, his mind welcoming the distraction of idle banter with friends over the alternative of dwelling on the unhappy events of late.

What unhappy events? I'm not sure what that is yet. From reading the entire thing, it sounds like they're leaving their home for whatever reason. Did something happen to it?

>"Are you both ready?" he asked, to which they replied in the affirmative

Hmm, that second part just sounds so odd. I would suggest cutting it or just saying "they nodded" or something.

>As they walked the solitary road Cress looked over his shoulder at the only town he had ever known one last time.

Comma between "road" and "Cress"

>"Goodbye," he whispered under his breath, the sound not even loud enough to make it to his own ears.

I'm not sure if it's even possible unless there's a lot of noise around. This just sounds unnecessarily wordy, yet means nothing. Isn't this what mouthing the words is?

>And so they marched onwards, toward their destiny. They were fully aware that they held the fate of the world in their hooves but little did they know - for better or for worse - nothing would ever be the same again.

I'm not really sure how this logic makes sense. They're leaving their home, supposedly forever, right? Unless they were just leaving on a pilgrimdge and they did plan on coming back, it seems like it's obvious that it wouldn't be the same. I guess it depends on what caused them to leave in the first place, of which I have no idea.

GENERAL REVIEW FOR PROLOGUE

After reading your prologue, I noticed that there might be concerns with something called Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS). To fix this, use names and pronouns only. If your sentences are still confusing, you need to reword and rewrite them. This might be a bit harder because you're missing many commas, which makes your sentences sound like run-ons sometimes. Sometimes your sentences are a bit wordy too, which adds to the confusion. As for the commas, here's a good resource that can help with that problem.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/1/

I'm also worried that you're telling us about the character's personality types instead of showing them in scenes. It's less engaging and kinda uninteresting to read. I'm not really sure if it's a problem present in only the prologue or if it extends to the rest of your story though. I'll have to read the rest to find out.

I'm kinda wondering as to the point of this prologue in itself. It doesn't really tell the reader anything at all and I'm not sure if it becomes important later. If it's not important, why write it in the story at all? If it is, why not call it "Chapter 1?" In my opinion, I don't believe the prologue is strong enough to make readers want to keep reading as it's vague and I don't really want to find out what happened in terms of the "terrible" events. But what do I know? You're the writer and knows what's going to happen in your story, you tell me.

My opinion is that the conflict in a story (not necessarily physical, just something exciting) has to happen on the first page and I would just cut the prologue completely. If you don't, readers will get bored and backspace away. Readers have very limited attention spans after all. At the very least, it has to happen in the first chapter.

Anyway, you did mention that this was your first fic. Because of that, here are a few good resources that could help you improve your writing. If you don't want to, you don't have to check them out of course, but they really do help.

Ezn's Guide:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit?hl=en_US

Omnibus:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US

CartoonGeld's Showing vs Telling Examples:

>>89502

Since this is your first fanfic, you have to be aware that I'm not writing the review or pointing out the mistakes to be mean. It's only because I want to make the story the best I can. I'm aware that I've only read the prologue so far. This review isn't over yet. It's only for the prologue because I don't believe putting both Chapter 1's review and the prologue in the same post would fit. However, before I get started on Chapter 1, I'd like you to take a look at what I have so far and acknowledge it. It's not much so far, but since it does take me a while to make these reviews, I want to make sure that you're paying attention first. That way I know that you're actually finding the review useful and I'm not just shouting into a void. Hope that's alright.

It sounds like this story contains OCs, which is opening a whole other bag of worms when it comes to fanfiction. You have to worry about not making them Mary Sues or making them too overpowered when it comes to being next to the canon characters. But we'll tackle that problem when we get to it. For now, I hope that I have mentioned enough to at least get you started with improving or fixing some of the mistakes pointed out. If you're serious about improving your writing, give me some feedback and I'll be more thorough in my next part of the review (I also admit it's a bit harder to be thorough because it's on FimFiction and not Gdocs).

If you have any other questions and concerns, or if you would like me to elaborate or find more examples for you, I'd be glad to do so. All you have to do is ask. My email's in my name. So here you go for now. Enjoy. Also, like always, don't give up on writing. Never give up, never surrender!
>> No. 101626
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101626
>>99705
Comments in doc. Sorry it took so long, real life got in the way.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LAvVNqR2ViIqM6IxQrXAIixJZ_bE93lhGe6PRVdm1DQ/edit

I need to make a few comments in addition to what's in the doc.

First, you need to study up on punctuation. You missed almost all of your apostrophes. If someone owns something, you need to add an apostrophe + s to the end of the subject. So if Trixie owns a cart, it's "Trixie's cart". You had too many commas. They weren't a terrible problem, but still a problem.

Second, your story needs conflict. You need to stop going easy on/feeling sorry for your characters and PUT THEM THROUGH MISERY! Well, misery may be going too far... but your characters need to clash. You effectively side-stepped every source of conflict you had in this chapter.

Third, your characters are out-of-character. Celestia seems a little harsh at first, but then is very trusting of Chrysalis. Luna is pretty well-done. For Chrys, it seems you have a hard time making up your mind about her. She starts out defiant and angry, then gets really sad and defeated. Either one is fine (I think the former would work much better) since that's up to you as the author, but pick one and stick with it. Trixie is MUCH more arrogant than you portray her as.

Lastly: holy plot devices, Batman! You Deus Ex the heck out of Chrys. This story needs to flow a lot more smoothly and every plot point needs a proper prompt and explanation. The story should not be bending over backward to accommodate you as an author; it should be difficult and time-consuming to accurately and appropriately weave a convincing plot. You will almost certainly end up with a much longer prologue if done correctly.

You've got a lot of work ahead of you, but it's certainly salvageable.

Until next time, write good!


>>101365
I see your question, I'm cooking up an answer for it.
>> No. 101628
>>101626
Yeah, finally. Thanks for the assistance. I'll fix up my grammar and continuity of characters. I'll also try and make it a little more tense, and hopefully should have a revised copy ready soon. Thanks for your assistance.
>> No. 101636
>>101332
Hello there, Pinkamina. My name is Professor Hugbox, and your story will be the first story I will ever review here on Ponychan. Don't be alarmed though, I've had plenty experience over on FimFiction and I sometimes review stories for a friend of mine who so far has gotten two stories onto Equestria Daily, so you are in, at the very least, adequate hands.

I'm not entirely sure how this whole process works, I'm just following the Reviewers Guide, and step 3 is mentioning to the author that I am reviewing their fic. I hope I'm on the right track so far. Your review will be done within a matter of hours. Sorry if this post somehow is incorrect, just trying to get myself out there. I'm very new to Ponychan itself as well.
>> No. 101638
>>100873

Your line edit isn't finished yet, and even when it is finished it will be in no way comprehensive, but I know pretty well what I want to say about your fic, and it's kind of important.

First off, you have serious tense derps and other problems that I think you should be able to catch for yourself now that I've drawn your attention to them. Your writing quality and grammar are otherwise not bad, so this is sorta surprising to me. Whatever-- Work on it and I'm sure you'll get it done.

Your m6 voices aren't bad though I'm not crazy about your Twilight voice. Your Tali and Liara voices are in-character, but they fall rather flat. Your Garrus voice is okay. Your Wrex voice has its moments.

Now on to the worst problem with your fic.

This is the very definition of a "find and replace" fic. You faithfully take us through the Noveria sequence, including every major side-plot and combat. Why? Half of it wasn't important even in the game.

Find-and-replace fics are problematic for reasons that you already know, and taking an honest look at this, there should be no doubt that you have written one. And it's a little late for me to be telling you this. So, um... I guess what it comes down to is I don't like it. It's Mass Effect with an amusing fanmade mod slapped on it.

A crossover fic should take the setting of the crossover material or ideas from the crossover material.

Example 1: Using the Mass Effect setting; Equestria is just a planet behind a newly discovered relay. How does the galactic community feel about ponies? How do ponies become important to the fight against the Geth/Collectors/Reapers? Or maybe the story doesn't follow Shepard, and we have a story about the m6 saving Equestria from a Collector raid or a Cerberus plot.

Example 2: Using ideas from Mass Effect. Uniting the two setting's ideas rather than making them coexist. There's a galactic community, and the aliens are griffons and Dogs and Changelings and maybe some stuff you just made up or maybe there are humans and turians and nonsense too. There is a cycle of annihilation, but instead of Reapers they're called Nightmares. Commander Sparkle leads the galaxy in ending the cycle in a way that involves the Protheans and whatever but the Catalyst is NOT the Citadel and instead of a villainous militaristic organization, Luna and her godlike powers have been indoctrinated... You get it.

I'm not sure if the usual sign-off of "Keep writing" really applies here, because... um... This is far, far, far gone. Like 100k words gone.

If I remember any other stuff I wanted to say I'll post more. If you want to talk to me about stuff, add comments to the doc or send me an email or post in this thread, whatever.
>> No. 101639
>>101638

Oh, yeah, one more thing. I said this in-doc, but it bears repeating: The way you skip action scenes? Don't. Find a more graceful way to do it. The way you've done it right now is bad, bad, bad.
>> No. 101641
File 133654225319.png - (1.21MB , 546x581 , 19485373.png )
101641
>>101618
>>100490

After finally getting my own fic published, I feel I should really start contributing to the reviewing process — a place that has helped me so much.

DISCLAIMER: I am a very new author myself, with the recently published fic being the ONLY thing I have ever written. This will also be my first 'formal' review. I totally understand if you would prefer someone more capable and experienced; just let me know and I'll gladly relinquish the claim.
>> No. 101642
>>101641
Also, requesting that you enable commenting on your google.doc links.
>> No. 101644
>>101332
Hello again. Have a review!

Plot: I say very well done. You leave us with a little bit of vagueness at first while we learn the story which I like. The problem I had is that you didn't explain enough by the end of the story. I could speculate why Celestia's ponies would suddenly turn on her, but it was increasingly hard to. Luna and Celestia bicker back and forth about lies and murders, but this isn't enough to quench my need to actually know what some of this is. What actually constitutes the fact that all of this is happening? Without reasonable explanation this just seems like a vague attempt at something sad.

Characterization: You portrayed Celestia and Luna as biter rivals, which was all there was to this really. Luna's antagonistic ways were fine, but Celestia's thoughts were sometimes confusing. Did she still love her sister or did she despise her?

Grammar: You had a few things here or there. Not much to complain about. Most of my concerns are labeled in the docs

Formatting: Some of the dialogue needs to be switched to their own paragraphs, seeing as something the previous sentence is talking about different nouns than the dialogue one. Also indent your paragraphs. Important.

Writing style: Beautiful. My only complaint is that you don't explain enough actions in between Celestia's thought process, which makes it seem dull after a while.

Overall: 4.6/5 Very well done. Fix up some of the plot mostly and you have an EqD worthy fic.

Additional little things are commented on in the doc.
>> No. 101661
It's the first story I have ever written, so it may be a bit rough.... fimfiction.net/story/17370/Darkness-Incarnate
>> No. 101662
>>101661
Please read the Sticky (the post with the rainbow and shinies) and the original post in this thread, that way you will see why people are unlikely to help you. I know it looks like a hassle, but it keeps the place running and these people are so nice to help us with that, so could you do that?
>> No. 101665
>>100836

My story has not been claimed yet, but I wanted to update a few things.

-I have added a [Dark] tag. While the overall feel of the story isn't meant to be, it does have a few elements that could be considered so, specifically in the Prologue and in one particular upcoming Chapter. *No Spoilers!*
-I moved all the chapters over to Google Docs. This has made it considerably easier to work with italics, which my story has a lot of to illustrate a character's thoughts, and occasionally dramatic emphasis.
-I have added a new chapter, and the word count has been updated to 26,938. There are now 5 chapters counting the Prologue. I request that all of them be reviewed.
-I aim to submit this piece to EqD. However, I do not wish to do so until I can get some more critical eyes on it.
-A thing I am struggling with so far is if I am revealing too much to the reader, or not enough. I want to make sure the reader has the right questions going from chapter to chapter.
-I am working very hard to avoid massive info dumps, which is going to be a challenge in Chapter 5, which needs to fill in some holes I've purposely left open until now.

Some things I'm aware of:
-Due to the nature of the story and it's theme with color, the OC's descriptions are purposely left somewhat vague. I tried giving them more description with different colored manes and eyes and found myself getting confused as to who was who.
-I had a blunder with Find/Replace and didn't realize it until it was too late. I went through and fixed as many as I could find but there might be one or two odd words hanging around. Let me know if you find any.


I look forward to hearing feedback when my story is claimed.

Thanks!
>> No. 101666
>>101641
Ah, sorry about that. I'm new with using Google Docs, but I believe commenting is now available.

I have no problem with this being your first 'formal' review. More power to you for taking it upon yourself to review the works of others. I'm sure you will do your best, and thanks again.
>> No. 101671
>>101173

Hello, p0n00b. My name is Professor Hugbox, and I will be claiming your fiction today. Please expect for this to be done today, very late at night at the latest. I look forward to reading this. While FimFiction is fine, I like to be a bit specific at times, so I will take the liberty of putting the story into a Google document for you and commenting on that. I will try the best I can to address EqD's problems with your fic the most.
>> No. 101673
By me, AidanMaxwell

I will finish this thing eventually!

Dark, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Crossover

Sergeant Rainbow Dash has graduated at the top of her class and has been given the exclusive honor to join the Wonderbolt squad, an elite team of SpecOp troops stationed on Ord Mantell. To her, this is just a new opportunity to fight for the Republic (and a little personal glory, as well) but she soon finds out that the battlefield is not for the weak of spirit. Will she need to rely on the help of a shady smuggler type, who won't seem to leave her alone, to stay active on the field? Or will her personal pride prevent her from performing at her best, leading to her untimely death?
>> No. 101679
>>101644
Thanks for the review. I really appreciate your style of reviewing just so you know. The trademark 'this is what is wrong' seems to grow old quickly, however you told me how to fix the issues as well.

All in all, I am very appreciative of this, it will definitely help me. Even if you are 'new' to this process this was a highly beneficial review, Thanks again.
>> No. 101689
Here's a good one. What are yalls consensus on accents and how the are written?

Specifically I have a character who's drunk, and I wrote her speech as such:


"Aw, yer jusht jea-*hic*-jealoush of mah shingin' abilitiesh. Yew know I'd win that karaoke contesht!"

Is that annoying enough to get a negative mark?
>> No. 101691
File 133658376984.png - (195.13KB , 1532x1485 , CursorThinking.png )
101691
>>101470
I'll take this one! Expect your review within 36 hours, my good author! Have a reviewer statement so long: http://derpy.me/uQgc1

I'll probably do an audio review of this one, unless that's not good for you. Say something if that's the case, and I'll type instead.

Notes for reviewers
- The most used section of http://derpy.me/EznGuide now has its own shortlink – http://derpy.me/EznGuideDialogue
- I also wrote this article http://derpy.me/EznLUS on Lavender Unicorn Syndrome a while ago, in which I detailed why it's annoying and emphasised the importance of varying your sentence structure instead of lazily slapping descriptors around – LUS's biggest crime is stunting authorial growth by "hiding" repetitive sentence structure. That may be of use/interest to some folk.
>> No. 101695
>>101691

Awesome! Thanks! An audio review will work just fine. Note that I'm leaving on holiday for a week starting tonight, so might not be able to get back to you for a while. In any case, I'll have a look at your reviewer statement and LUS as well, eh!

Thank you!
>> No. 101702
>>101673
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iLtpCXTB31MRXdHveE4lyPDoo1pWmA7-_Jb_FMcCk0U/edit

I knew I forgot something...
>> No. 101704
File 133658851900.jpg - (47.87KB , 500x490 , 571306c7-c8cd-4b65-b4cf-b55ac23219e8.jpg )
101704
Oh boy, I really am slacking… it even caused that Demetrius had to do the thread updates. Anyway, the updates are done lickety-Split with the new system. Thank Demetrius for that.

For the up-to-date statistics, you can follow the links in the OP.

Unclaimed: 10
Reviews awaiting acknowledgment: 13
Reviews In Progress: 11

Unclaimed Stories
04/22/2012 ❖ A.C. by Pastel Ink (>>100933)
04/28/2012 ❖ Black Equinox by JDude (>>99727)
05/01/2012 ❖ Beneath the Fields of Heaven by TheGreekDollmaker (>>100285)
05/03/2012 ❖ The Zodiac Ritual by CyborgSamurai (>>100836)
05/04/2012 ❖ Rainbow Typhoon by Nonsanity (>>101254)
05/06/2012 ❖ Brony by Markarian (>>101239)
05/07/2012 ❖ Into Darkness by Golden Hoof (>>101425)
05/08/2012 ❖ Shadow of Dreams by Keyframe (>>101464)
05/08/2012 ❖ MLP:FiM the final season, Episode 1, "Nightfall" by Writer's Block (>>101546)
05/09/2012 ❖ My Little Old Republic by AidanMaxwell (>>101673)

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment
The Refugee by Hazencruz (>>96961) submitted 04/14/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Timefly on 04/18/2012 (>>97786)
The Solar Enigma by Lionheart07 (>>96994) submitted 04/14/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Vanner on 04/20/2012 (>>98140)
Borderline by Lucefudu (>>98175) submitted 04/20/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 05/01/2012 (>>100275)
Shattered Prism by Ponyman (>>98377) submitted 04/21/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Baron Von Clop on 04/22/2012 (>>98554)
Dusty Roads by Kris Schnee (>>98386) submitted 04/22/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Seattle_Lite on 05/06/2012 (>>101310)
Reconciliation by Rlogic1994 (>>98012) submitted 04/22/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Golden Vision on 05/05/2012 (>>101050)
Water Under the Bridge by Rock Farmer (>>98723) submitted 04/23/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Casca on 04/24/2012 (>>98846)
The Winter War: Part 1 by Anrichan (>>98776) submitted 04/23/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Raharu on 04/25/2012 (>>99163)
Pony Effect by Grif (>>98992) submitted 04/25/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Commander Tactical on 05/09/2012 (>>101638)
Crescent Eclipse by InfiniteBrony (>>99672) submitted 04/28/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Dublio on 05/08/2012 (>>101625)
Upon Wings of Sacrifice by Rated PonyStar (>>100172) submitted 04/30/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Golden Vision on 05/06/2012 (>>101238)
Water Under the Bridge by RockFarmer (>>100997) submitted 05/04/2012 ❖ Reviewed by CommissarCC on 05/06/2012 (>>101250)
Biased and Incomplete by DuncanR (>>101232) submitted 05/06/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Eustatian on 05/07/2012 (>>101351)

Reviews in Progress
Pascoite: reviewing Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter Two - A Doubt Of A Shadow - Part Two by Broken Logic (>>98837) submitted 04/24/2012
Raharu: reviewing A Mile in Her Shoes by Ether Echoes (>>99444) submitted 04/26/2012
Casca: reviewing Flying a Kite by Kirdus (>>100183) submitted 04/30/2012
Umbra: reviewing Contact by Digi (>>100200) submitted 04/30/2012
TheGreekDollmaker: reviewing The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do by CommissarCC (>>100251) submitted 05/01/2012
Dublio: reviewing The Edge of Harmony by Alazak (>>100378) submitted 05/01/2012
herpyderpy: reviewing Bearers of Nature by TwinQuasars (>>101618) submitted 05/02/2012
Dublio: reviewing The Five Ponies You Meet in Heaven by p0n00b (>>100754) submitted 05/03/2012
Dublio: reviewing I'll See You in the Sky by ToastiestZombie (>>101032) submitted 05/05/2012
Professor_Hugbox: reviewing Red Shield by p0n00b (>>101173) submitted 05/05/2012
Ezn: reviewing Excerpts from a Filthy Diary by SR Foxley (>>101470) submitted 05/08/2012
>> No. 101705
File 133658909183.png - (27.90KB , 97x95 , Capture.png )
101705
>>101704
I think you forgot to add my unclaimed story:
>>101620
>> No. 101709
File 133659004101.gif - (907.22KB , 851x540 , mlfw1735-1319316188.gif )
101709
>>101705
Did you fill in the submission form in the OP?
>> No. 101711
File 133659153050.gif - (3.70KB , 200x239 , ouch.gif )
101711
>>101709
Whoops; I knew I must have missed something important. My apologies.
>> No. 101712
File 133659155914.gif - (358.20KB , 512x288 , headdesk.gif )
101712
I see that Minjack's fic has been removed from the site. But I spent too long reading it to not post a review of it here, so...

>You don't capitalize and punctuate every sentence.
>You don't double-space every paragraph.
>The writing in the first act was too dry.
>Your fic violates headcanon bringing something better.
>Your entire fic is based around the idea that Derpy is like she is because of foal rape. THIS SHALL NEVER FLY ON EQUESTRIA DAILY! Not even FimFic will take this.
>Your third act is unbelievable and contrived.

I'd suggest writing a new story, something about ADULT ponies. And learn the difference between [sad] and [depressing] (I mention it in the doc comments.)
>> No. 101713
File 133659177476.gif - (3.20KB , 200x177 , curious.gif )
101713
>>101709
Hold on, I'm not done with my fic yet, so I don't want to submit it to EqD or anything; I just wanted some pointers on writing it. The way the submission form is worded makes it look like EqD prereaders will read it as a finished fic for submission, is that right?
>> No. 101719
>>101712
>Your fic violates headcanon without bringing something better.
>> No. 101720
>>101713
no it's not submitted to EqD. It's for our own administration. keeping track of claims and the such.
>> No. 101724
>>101704
Yeah, Golden reviewed my fic. I'm already rewriting it.
>> No. 101725
>>101724
mind giving me an >>##### to his review?
>> No. 101737
Psst Split. Here.

>>101238
>> No. 101744
>>101173
Hello again, p0n00b, I have a review for you! Also, I took the liberty of putting your story in a Google doc to further make comments on specific passages.
Here's the doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/175TMIJl-GukLfo4Q5rs-l1S_ejCPr6iIDP58cpUrI7Y/edit?pli=1 I've only allowed viewing of this document so that nopony can just come in and do what they wish. You'll have to make corrections on your own document. Deeply sorry about that.

Have a review!

Flow: It was pretty fast paced. While this is fine, sometimes I wish you would have slowed down a bit to clarify everything that was going on.

Setting: Your pre-reader was spot on with this. You sometimes don't specify where we're at. For example when the doctors are doing tests on the Mane 6. Where exactly are they? I can infer some sort of doctors room or such, but you can never be so sure. Putting in more setting will also help your issue with talking heads. I'll get to that here in a second.

Visuals: I know 'visuals' isn't really a word that fits when it comes to literature, but I think it fits. As writers we all paint a picture in the readers mind as to what is going on. Your problem is that when you had a scene you wouldn't describe enough. Often times you had talking heads, and based on the dialogue I had to figure out exactly what was going on. Not only clarification on the scene itself, but also there didn't seem to be much body language. Is twilight is frustrated, show us that. If Rarity is freaking out over all of these questions, show us the body language! This will cover your pre-readers issue with clarification on who's speaking naturally.

Plot: It's simple, and you take the characters and put them into a regular scenario. You do a good job, I just wish you would have done a little bit more with Twilight. You focused on Twilight a bit in the beginning and then you completely forgot about her. You introduced her again a bit with Fluttershy, but not much. You didn't do enough with Fluttershy either, now that I think about it...

Characterization: I felt that Rarity was a little more irrational than she needed to be. Her rage for these questions were completely out of character for her, UNLESS she had something to hide about her sexual life, but you hint nothing of this. Twilight: Good. Fluttershy: the small part she had, good. Rainbow Dash: A little overbearing, but it's justified. You made the characters a little more irrational than they usually would be in my opinion. Applejack: Fine. Pinkie Pie: I loved her in this, honestly.

Style: I feel that some of your words were just unnecessary for the scene. It's liked you kept trying to find more terms JUST to avoid repetition.

Overall, my friend, this was pretty good. It doesn't exactly catch the readers attention at first, but it's fun once you get a little into it. I feel that it was a little too quick, but it wasn't a big issue. I give you a 4.4/5. I hope this has helped you, and good luck with your second attempt at EqD!
>> No. 101748
>>101620
Hi, Ristar from Ristar, my name is Professor Hugbox, and I will be reviewing your fic today. I don't know why your story isn't on the queue posted above, but it's in the 'List of unclaimed requests' document, so I'm taking a crack at it. Your review should be done sometime tonight. I would ask though that you enable comments on that document. I like to comment on specific passages in addition to the overall review.
>> No. 101753
File 133660778757.png - (140.63KB , 298x213 , handshake.png )
101753
>>101748
Thank you very much, Professor Hugbox! Your input would be a huge help; I really appreciate it! :) Also, like you said, I enabled comments on the Google Doc where my fic is stored.
>> No. 101754
>>101744

Thanks for the review. I'll try and fix it up like you said.
>> No. 101765
File 133661158627.jpg - (1.87MB , 3488x2616 , Car-Fire3.jpg )
101765
>>101754

Yeah, I'm working on another fic right now that's higher up on my TODO list. Unfortunately, said fic is a 10+ chapter story. It just needs a little bit of TLC. Yeah! that's it!
>> No. 101776
Someone please post a fic I'm willing to read.
>> No. 101779
File 133661568690.jpg - (28.19KB , 300x300 , img-thing.jpg )
101779
>>101753
Alright, thanks! That will make everything much easier for me and more beneficial to you. I've already read through some of it so far, but I'll make sure to go back and add comments
>>101765
You're welcome, but it's a shame that this one isn't on high priority at the moment. It is rather silly and I like that.
>>101776
Well maybe you should expand the range of what you're willing to read then! Not to sound rude, but beggars can't be choosers. Open up a review thread and tell people what you're willing to read.

On an unrelated note, this image suits my name I think.
>> No. 101785
File 133661826155.png - (36.15KB , 250x250 , 250px-Surprise_by_atomicgreymon-d47dou3.png )
101785
>>101365

Sorry it took me so long to get around to answering this, but here goes.

Since you're writing a slice-of-life fic, you're relying on a couple specific things to grab the readers' interest. The first is somewhat of a gimme: characters. The readers have already invested in the show and they're reading because they want to invest in further stories about these characters. So, if you keep everypony in-character, this is one thing you've got going for you. When I say amplify, I mean you should demonstrate the most prominent character features that your audience knows from the show.
For Twilight, that's being an egghead and socially awkward.
For Rarity, that's being a drama queen yet extraordinarily polite.
For Sweetie Belle, you show work the relationship she has with Rarity and her shyness (about her singing talent).
For Spike, he should be cocky (a silly kind of cocky) and helpful. [I think you have the helpful part down fine.]
While you're still working on the interest in the story to take over (as in, you're developing the romances), you need to really bring out these traits. They show the reader that, 'Yes, these ARE the characters I know on the show.' Now, you can't rely on this for long, as the characters will become 1-dimensional like this. The story should naturally steer away from amplifying these traits once the plot is in full swing.

The second item that will keep readers interested (this is also the more important item), is empathy. People will continue to read your story after chapter one because they feel a connection to your characters and have invested specifically in the events/world you've presented. This is the emotional side of the story. When people read about Sweetie Belle being laughed at in school for failing a project, they will naturally feel sorry for her and want to read about how she reacts to it as well as how she overcomes it. When Rarity struggles to finish a dress on time, the reader should feel the pressure she is under as well. Not only that, but they will feel rewarded when Rarity does complete the task on time.
[Notice: all forms of empathy are a result of conflict. That's why it's so important!]
There's one example of this that comes to mind. I was reviewing a fic a short while ago, and the scene I was on included an OC, Rainbow Dash, and Scootaloo. The OC and Rainbow Dash were arguing about how best to teach Scootaloo to fly. Both ponies were arrogant and set in their way, so the argument was, predictably, going nowhere. Scootaloo wasn't mentioned for a while, she was just witnessing the argument. Then she cried. It wasn't a loud cry either, since Scootaloo didn't want to show weakness in front of RBD. But the author completely ignored the argument and just focused on describing Scootaloo. It was a very powerful moment and really helped both my interest in the story and immersion.

These two items (characters and empathy) go hand-in-hand. Take your time with the story; really flesh your characters out and put them through conflict.

Now, how does this relate to dialogue and POVs? You seemed to have figured it out on your own by asking the question. When you are limited to a single-POV, the only way for you to communicate other ponies' perspective and thoughts is 1) actions and 2) dialogue. I, personally, am a dialogue junkie. With these two tools you can properly execute character development and build empathy.
>> No. 101790
>>101779
>beggars can't be choosers
Glad to have your expert opinion, but... yes. Yes they can. I've reviewed 32 fics in this thread and have earned my stripes. One of the appeals to TTG is that nobody has to take fics that don't suit their tastes. Another is that an individual reviewer's pace is fairly irrelevant. So, I like it here, thankyouverymuch.

In the meantime, feel free to take all the HiE fics you like. I ain't touchin' 'em.
>> No. 101792
>>101790
Just wait, all the competition fics should be coming in soon. They'd be posted quicker if Roger would post the winner already.
>> No. 101794
File 133662293151.jpg - (2.41KB , 102x119 , Egoraptorrrsss.jpg )
101794
>>101790
I feel that in this thread it's 'you take what you get'. I might not have been here as long as you, and I certainly don't mean to offend, but this thread seems to be atoned to reviewers who are ready for almost anything. The reason why I suggested making your own thread is so that you get what you want instead of your talents being wasted by watching the thread and just waiting. Plenty of people out there I'm sure that would appreciate your experience, and that's truly what I was getting that, knowing your actual experience or not.

May I inquire what it is you DO want? Maybe I will be able to provide you with something if you're willing to take it. I'm Professor Hugbox, meaning I'm trying to be as helpful as I can. Well, I hope it means SOMETHING like that.
>> No. 101798
File 133662513928.gif - (293.26KB , 279x200 , lol.gif )
101798
>>101779
> beggars can't be choosers
Implying TTG is begging for more fics to be posted in it.
>> No. 101799
File 133662533639.png - (152.80KB , 618x329 , 130289464065.png )
101799
>>101794
If I may interject here, I think I may be able to clarify a couple of key points for you.

>I feel that in this thread it's 'you take what you get'
Yes and no. It’s in this thread that aspiring reviewers learn what it is they prefer to work with. Not to mention, there’s no small amount of choices to make, so this is hardly a scarcity-driven scenario these folk are working in. Quite the opposite in fact (I mean shit man, just looked at the Unclaimed doc).

>making your own thread (to cater to your reading interests)
Now, I’m taking a position here that some people get a touch sensitive about, and it’s that TTG is just that. A training grounds for aspiring reviewers. This is a place where those who feel they may be inclined to get into reviewing throw their hat in, and get some experience under the helpful eye of their more experienced fellows. Making one’s own review thread is no flippant thing—you’re talking about a 400 post commitment. Frankly, a look in the last 6 pages from the top will show how many weren’t able to sustain such a thing (and that’s not meant to be offensive in any way to said individuals).
Now if we’re talking Pasco? Sure, I’d say he’s more than ready and able to hold one up having looked over his work. But that’s a serious time commitment that he may not be ready or able to make right now. Another alternative would be to pop into other reviewer’s threads (who don’t take issue with it, and most don’t) and snag a fic that catches your interest if there’s nothing in TTG.
>> No. 101800
>>101620

Honestly, I don't really know what to say about this fic. It's not 'bad' per say, but it's definitely not EqD material either. No matter what you do to this it's pretty much you scrap everything except the plot and just start over if you're planning to EqD it. Honestly, Ristar, I skimmed a lot of it, which I don't do often. It's written like a journal or like a primary source for a war I'd study in class. It's not really interesting. Your character just tells us everything that happened mostly. While there are some parts where we get a pretty good look at his thoughts through it, it just isn't enough. His accent is also pretty annoying to read through. I'd suggest only doing accents for dialogue; after all, I bet someone from Texas doesn't WRITE in a texan slang/accent (For the most part). The concept is... okay. I didn't get much of the plot because, again, I just skimmed through it. It wasn't enough for me to really care. That's not the plots fault per say, because it could have been the plot of Atlas Shrugged and I wouldn't read it. Your grammar is okay, but again it was a little hard to tell with the accent at times. It's also formatted a little oddly and I'd suggest trying to make it a little nicer. You have big walls of text that just make me go 'ugh, that's a big wall of text thar.' You only have 9 paragraphs in a 10 page story, not to mention the font is pretty big to begin with. I'm sorry Ristar, but I'm going to have to give you a 2/5. I'd suggest going with a story that doesn't have a journal feel to it.
>> No. 101802
>>101798
That's pretty much what I'm implying, yes.

>>101799
While I do agree that this is a way for reviewers to not have to make such a large time commitment, I don't think that it's much of an excuse to just pass over fics that are waiting to get reviewed. I am being a bit hypocritical though, because I took the smaller fics, but the reason I did that is to give it a shot first rather than waste a bunch of time reading that 80k fic that's laying in there. I just feel that reviewers are being a bit too closed minded to certain fics instead of trying to give them a chance. There's fics that have been sitting for a long time, and that can be rather frustrating for the author to put in so much time and effort to realize no one wants to review it.

What I'm trying to get at is a sense of equality. If we try to give everyone a helping hand who enters this thread then I think things would go a lot more smoothly. People can learn if we teach them, (Or at least point out what's wrong with their methods) but it seems that we seem to be neglecting some, regardless of the content matter.
>> No. 101803
File 133662630741.png - (264.62KB , 792x1092 , Stop.png )
101803
>>101776
>>101779
>>101790
>>101794
>>101798
>>101799
>>101802

Oh goddammit. Not this shit again.

For future reference, Pasco, try to keep the bitching in the IRC.
>> No. 101806
>>101802
If I'm honest, that reminds me to the original reviewers of /fic/. That was their motto or something.

>>101803
Chill, this place is one tenth derails all the time anyway.
>> No. 101807
>>101803
I think a friendly discussion shouldn't be out of the question. The conversation isn't really hindering the thread's ability to provide its function, seeing as most of the needed materials are in a google doc and things can be found easily in the thread through that.
>> No. 101808
File 133662688738.png - (124.64KB , 385x383 , 130249351175.png )
101808
>>101802
Well mate, as you say, you're throwing stones in a glass house. Why not get pro-active with the situation you feel needs to be addressed? You've identified a concern. Why not go into the IRC, and see if anyone would be willing to take that 80k fic and break it up with you into more sizable? Then not only does the author get his work reviewed, it's done from multiple perspectives.
Least, that's how I remember the IRC being useful.

>>101803
>Not this shit again
I'm sorry Cass, what's that now?
>> No. 101810
>>101808
I wasn't aware of these functions and their intentions, and I thank you for letting me know. I'm still very new to Ponychan and I'm trying to get my bearings, thank you for suggesting that. Believe me, I don't wish to just sit back and complain.
>> No. 101811
File 133662729942.jpg - (295.78KB , 1063x690 , 1302549470418.jpg )
101811
>>101810
>> No. 101812
>>101807
>>101808
>>101806

Whatever. If you guys want to discuss the merits of a system that I would hope at least two of the participants are already fully aware of, then that's your prerogative. I would hope that there would be some sort of realization that the chatting is really intended for the IRC which doesn't see any productive use because people use the thread for this sort of thing instead , but I can't force y'all to use it for its intended purpose.

I also call NOT IT for making the next iteration of this thread.
>> No. 101813
Here's a response:

---

"...but by a familiar looking pink Earth Pony mare who beamed when she saw Rarity standing there." / Neither earth nor pony would be capitalized.

"Well, this year, the Cakes are turning the bakery into a haunted house!" / Relevance? What does this scene have to do with the story at all?

"It appeared to meant to look like it was made from the cutie marks of ponies, along with severed pegasi wings and a necklace made from prop unicorn horns." / Breaking the illusion. Also, correct me if im wrong but is this not a Normal fic?

"'And the Cakes approved of this?' She asked, incredulous. She didn't think that the Cakes would allow something so morbid to be done for Nightmare Night." / Redundant. The first sentence is an indication of the second, but without having to be explicitely told that.

"Rarity smiled sheepishly. She still thought the idea was far too morbid. But, she wasn't about to deny her friend her happiness." / Three sentences that can easily be one.

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders had been tired from a long day of playing and trying to ear their cutie marks..." / Typo.

"...going to *sob* crunch me up..." / If Scootaloo sobbed, it should be done outside of dialogue.

"...what if there's some kind of terrible side of her that's going to come out someday for no reason at all." / That's a question.

"For a night that had started so horribly, this was the perfect way to end the story." / Breaking the illusion.

I'll be blunt, the story needs a lot of work. The entire thing does far more telling than showing, from character actions and reactions to settings and locales, all of it is told to me very specifically and makes the writing very dry. There's also some Short Sentence Syndrome, many sentences can easily be joined with others and the flow of the story can benefit from it, as is the story has a lot of stop and go. The Normal tag is misappropriated, it's hard to tell what it should be but I think the story comes closer to Sad despite the happy ending. I'd recommend the author look over the Editor's Omnibus and find an editor if possible, this being the first strike of three, I advise the author to put as much work into the story before resubmitting.

I'm requesting a review for this fic in light of a failed attempt to submit to EqD.
>> No. 101814
File 133662766989.jpg - (123.87KB , 900x901 , twilight_sparkle_by_johnjoseco-d3b9wnz.jpg )
101814
First it's time for me to walk the walk after I talk the talk

>>100933
Hello, Pastel, your fic has been sitting there for a while, and I hope that you're still active to realize I'm acknowledging you. Honestly because of the length I will only review part 1 and 2. I will try my best to make what I say specific enough to carry out throughout the rest. I'm still fairly new to reviewing, so I don't think I can take so much on at once. Please bear with me. I will have your review done by the end of tomorrow.
>> No. 101827
File 133663512634.png - (626.87KB , 1280x923 , my_litter_kitties_by_bamboodog-d49v9c8.png )
101827
You know what? I had revoked my submission from Kurbz thread but I realized I need an official review still, cause I'm bipolar or somethin'. Even if it's small.

Title: Red Sky

Tags: Adventure, Sad

Synopsis: It has been years since Equestria last saw an imminent threat to the kingdom. The peace that ruled over the land is shaken when an unnamed stallion marches to Equestria, destroying everything and everypony that is foolish or unlucky to stand on his way. With his army, he conquers the land, finding near no resistance once Equestria finds that the Princesses have vanished and cannot save them. The ponies of Equestria are thrust into a reign of fright that even Discord, the God of Chaos would frown upon. All seems lost, but an ancient and seemingly-forgotten prophecy regarding the Bearers of Harmony brings hope to their hearts.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WAUPCFE0NeWDHnUR-JFNqoLl6JWhUOcd9_KuEzKw2HE/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1htiI4lKVoswu5g4HZ2ynA0Ir9-bhZNHui_3Q_y1Xf1A/edit

Also a list of concerns from my pre-reader at EqD: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FXd0xDmqe-AekHWoAKqkUyTkYEURxS_V_c1qYqIh6cM/edit

A little over 8k words. Thanks to anyone that would like to take a crack at it. Comments enabled on the docs.
>> No. 101830
>>101704

>>100251

He wrote his review on the GDoc. Thanks Again!
>> No. 101833
File 133664384623.png - (231.17KB , 888x899 , 133664137352.png )
101833
>>101641
Alright, I have just finished going through part one. Line-by-line are in the comments on the doc.

I will mention the major issues here.

1. Punctuating Dialogue
This is something you need to work on. I'm not an expert myself, but I've pointed out all that I can in the document.
Read this: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html
Also, you don’t always have to address the dialogue with a speaking verb. You can have the character do an action instead. This goes for thoughts as well.
One more thing about punctuation: ellipses need to be a space after them; you seem to just link them right onto the next word.

2. Overuse of commas
This is a problem I had myself. Sometimes dashes and colons can do the job much better, and other times you should really just end the sentence.
Read this: http://www.chompchomp.com/handouts/csfsrules.pdf
And this: http://www.myenglishteacher.net/dashes.html

3. Tense switching
There were a couple instances of this. Stay in past tense, since that's the way you're telling the story.

4. Double Spacing
Now, I have no idea why you double space after a period. Don't do that.

5. Paragraphs
You have several issues here. Firstly, you don't have a blank line between paragraphs, which you really should. Next, you have a few instances where more than one character speaks within a single paragraph. You'll need to split those up. Also, you seem to have some unnecessarily long ones, split those up too. And lastly, a paragraph cannot contain two sentences and two dialogue objects. So again, split them up.

6. Italicizing thoughts
It is the standard. If you want to get on EQD, I strongly suggest that you start doing this.

7. Word choice: missing words, redundant words, and repetition of words
The majority of these aren't 'wrong' per say, but they are... strange. I've provided as many examples as I can on the doc.

8. Sentence structuring
Quite a few of these either read very strangely, or are just plain wrong. I’ve provided examples as best I can, but you need to go back and restructure many of your sentences and paragraphs. Even if they are not technically wrong, restructuring will make your story flow much better. Also, try stay away from those super short sentences that state one single fact – they usually hurt flow. Expand upon them, or combine them with others.

9. Show vs. Tell
This is not something I'm great at myself, but I did notice quite a lot of telling. Don't just tell us that Soul was taken aback; show us this by his actions. Have him rear back, have him gasp. Anything that will show us that he is taken aback. Another good way to show stuff is to let the dialogue and punctuation do it for you. Have a nervous character stutter, have an excited character talk fast and use exclamation marks – anything to show us the characters’ state of mind.

10. Descriptors
This is another big problem I had, and you definitely need more of these – I had no idea what the scenery was like. Use descriptors to set the mood, as well as build a world that the reader can immerse themselves with.

11. Pacing
There are scenes that felt very, very rushed.
'It wasn't until several hours later that he fell asleep'.
Expand on that! Tell us about his research process. Tell us his thoughts on the book. Show us how his head started to feel weary from the hours of reading…. Anything.

12. 'Talking Heads Syndrome'
Again, this was a problem I had too. Mix in some actions while the characters talk. Show some facial expressions and let them interact with their surroundings. Have them nod, look around, jump around, and whatever else that you think might be appropriate. This is also a great way to do some scene building, so you can address two issues at once!

12. Identifying speech
You have places where it’s purely dialogue, and we are not even sure who is speaking. You need to attribute the dialogue to a particular character, especially when there are more than three characters.

13. Characterization
The biggest issue I have here is the same as the pre-reader’s. Why are the main 6 – especially Twilight – instantly friends with him? He is still a stranger, after all, and Twilight just invites him to stay over at the library?
Also, the part where Soul shouts at Twilight. I really don’t see Twilight tearing up when someone shouts at her, especially when it’s not even an insult….

Well, that’s about it. I would like you to take these points, as well as the comments on the doc, and go through your following chapters before I start on them.
While this may seem daunting, I actually know exactly how it feels. I made most of these mistakes the first time I submitted, so keep at it and you’ll get there in no time!
I wish you the very best, sir. Send me an email when your next chapter is ready and I’ll get on it.
>> No. 101836
File 133665206745.gif - (3.70KB , 200x239 , ouch.gif )
101836
>>101800
You know, I'm afraid I'd have to agree. I was not happy with how this one turned out at all. I think I tried too many different things at once, while never really being able to keep any of it in the air, and it all just came off as rushed, confusing, and distasteful. I know I can do better; I HAVE done better. Worst of all, I just didn't have a clear idea of where I was going this entire story. I think it's best if I just scrap the thing and try something completely different, in a narrative style I'm more comfortable with. Thanks for the input; next time I come back, I'll have a respectable fic worthy of reading. :)

The only thing that I'm not clear on in your comment is the formatting issues. What font, font size, and line spacing do you recommend? I was using standard 12-point font with double-spaced lines, just because that's what I have been used to. Do you have a recommendation to make it look more professional?
>> No. 101844
>>101836
A good font is Times New Roman 12 point font with double spacing. This looks nice and it is also a good habit to get into since most colleges will want you to write in this for papers and such.
>> No. 101845
File 133666090804.png - (148.21KB , 800x600 , 6045693ce9892979.png )
101845
>>101844
Alright, I'll switch to TNR as my font, then. I've started on a new fic already; this time, I'm going to plan everything out before I write a single word of the fic, so I'll know exactly what I'm doing. I'm specifically going to address the issues that caused problems in my first attempt so I can make something tolerable this time. :P As for the old fic, l I doubt I'll ever go back to writing that. The more I look at it, the more I see how unsalvageable it is. It's better just to start on something completely different.

Thank you again for your review; it really helped me figure out what I need to work on in the future.
>> No. 101846
>>101845
'Twas my pleasure.
>> No. 101852
>>101833

Thank you for going over my work so thoroughtly. I appreciate the effort you put towards your review. I will go over the comments and take into account the points you have presented. It seems I have quite a bit of editing to do, but I will let you know when I am ready for your services once more.
>> No. 101856
File 133667005268.jpg - (2.05KB , 102x119 , 133662293151s.jpg )
101856
>>100933
>Pic
Hm, I'm faced with a predicament here. I was going to count this as my 4th review, but I really can't call this a review. Calling this a review would be an overstatement.

This has nothing to do with FiM. I read a few pages and started to skim, trying to find any real correlation to the show or the world it's set in. OC driven stories are fine, but you just say 'pony' and mention Equestria here and there without actually saying anything about Equestria itself. If you replace the word 'pony' with 'person' and 'Equestria' with 'Earth' then you would have never guessed it was a fanfiction; you would think it was an original work. I mean, you never even explain what happened to Celestia, nor do you even say 'A.C' means After Celestia, I had to kind of assume that. Please keep in mind that this is only the first 2 chapters.

What did EqD have to say about this work?

Couldn't get my pic to work for some reason. Should be fixed now, sorry if anyone saw that multi post there.
>> No. 101857
File 133667091377.png - (192.54KB , 1610x1487 , CursorBrohoof.png )
101857
>>101470
I was going to do an audio review, but then I took a "this would work better in text" to the "my 'review' of a story that's already pretty damn enjoyable and probably beyond my meager abilities to improve very much".

https://docs.google.com/document/d/115p_JEuX9PvfiIVGym_s-U-gDqdg5AFBgA4eXZcsEsc/edit

Your review is in the GDoc above. I downloaded your story in HTML, copied it to Google Docs and made use of comments and highlighting to point out (relatively few) mechanical errors. I also made some general comments at the top of the doc, in a different font.

tl;dr: This is one of the few stories that I've really been absorbed into while reviewing. I enjoyed it and you seem to have already addressed the PR's issues. Good job, SR Foxley!
>> No. 101858
>>100285
Hi, Greek, I am Professor Hugbox, and I will be your reviewer for today. Sometime tonight or early in the morning I will have your review done. I look forward to working with you.
>> No. 101862
File 133667237857.png - (60.43KB , 474x564 , 1335495075688.png )
101862
>>101546
The Great and Powerful Trixie will do you poor commoners a favour and take a chunk out of this mess.

You there, author! Listen to The Great and Powerful Trixie's rules!
1) Do not expect mercy, do not expect kindness. You will get what Trixie feels you deserve.
2) Trixie will review as much as she pleases, and for you, that's not that much.
3) Trixie might be willing to answer questions via email, if you ask nicely and show you have half a brain.

Expect a review shortly, if the first page is any indication.
>> No. 101863
>>101239
Alright, I know that no one else is going to take this on, so I will. Just be warned though, I won't hold back from telling you that this is pretty much one of the most generic things in the fanfiction part of this fandom. Be warned, this most likely will not go well for you. This one will be done within 48 hours of this initial post, seeing as I have another one in my Queue as well. I usually can push out stories pretty quickly though.
>> No. 101864
Goodness gracious, the queue is ridiculously small! Time to get in on this while I can...

1) Title: W.O.M.P.

2) Author name: Josh Meihaus

3) Email: [email protected]

4) Tags: Comedy, Random

5) Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle knows better than anypony an exam is serious business. Particularly when the exam in question is a final exam. Particularly-er when that final exam determines whether or not she graduates from the Canterlot School For Gifted Unicorns. Join Twilight as she treks through a test filled with acronyms, insults and general insanity.

6) Chapters: It's a one-shot.

7) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t0R6HqmfVQ_AgZXDR6yn2N2BPPy2BQ310j-77kAwaHY/edit

8) Note: the AI character's dialogue is funniest when read in this voice from Portal 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgAjsI_d2eU

Anyway, thanks a lot to anyone who'd like to take a look at this!
>> No. 101865
>>101864

Note: This was also posted in the LunarShadow/Kurbz tag-team thread.
>> No. 101868
>>101862
Well then, all I can say is... come at me brony.

I await your review with baited breath, and we will see if you must be anywhere near as brutal as pre-reader A1X3 was in their(albeit brief) analysis.

If your review is as sound and well reasoned as I would expect of you and the other reviewers here, then I shall [i]certainly[i/] look forward to working with you on improving this together.

Best of fortunes go with you. And, if you have any luck to spare, I would ask you to send me some as well.
>> No. 101881
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer Dublio speaking and this review is for the story "I'll See You in the Sky." Well, let's get started then, shall we?

I definitely see what the pre-reader meant by "basic, non-stylistic grammar problems." A lot of your sentences are redundant and repetitive, you have comma splices everywhere, most of the sentences are telling, and the semicolons and colons are used incorrectly. Most of the comments have been added in-doc and the general review going over your problems will be listed here. Without further ado...

Showing vs Telling

Am I trying to paint a picture for my reader or am I trying to tell him everything that happens? Many of your sentences are telling and that makes the story very hard to sit through. Unfortunately, showing vs telling is a hard thing to fix simply because many writers have trouble with this. My fellow reviewer CartoonGeld has a post that explains showing versus telling better than I can. Look at the below link and there you go.

>>89502

Adverbs are a crutch for weak verbs and don't do anything except add to the telling in your story. Occasionally, it's okay to use them but you tend to overuse them and it does nothing except making it a bit harder to read through. Some of the actions can be determined from context, but not everything.

Misuse of commas, semicolons, and colons

I'm not sure if semicolons and colons are used differently in British English or not, so you'll have to check and see. But those grammar problems that the pre-reader mentioned involve those punctuation marks as well as awkward sounding sentences. In most of the instances where you're using semicolons and colons, you're using them incorrectly. I don't really use them myself, but generally colons are used for lists and semicolons are used to link two sentences that are similar in theme. I'm not that great at explaining, but here's some handy resources that can help.

Semicolons, colons, and exclamation marks:

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/index.php?category_id=2&sub_category_id=1&article_id=44

Commas vs Semicolons:

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/04/

Narrator as a Character

Some of your sentences in narrative are opinionated, which makes your narrator sound like a character. If that's what you're going for, good. But if not, you may want to rethink your sentences.

Here's a good resource to read up on:

http://www.bewilderingstories.com/issue212/narration1.html

In the beginning, it feels like you're trying to beat the reader over the head with the fact that Rainbow Dash is lonely. The problem with that is that sometimes you tell us her feelings instead of showing them. Describing the way she got out of bed and went on with her life is showing, but saying she was hit with a wave of loneliness is telling. By this point, you mention loneliness about six times. If you're going to keep telling us her feelings, at least use a thesaurus so that it doesn't sound as repetitive. This doesn't mean that you should always show of course, there are some places where telling comes in handy.

Thought and Dialogue Tags

Any time you have a thought tag that says "thought to herself," then delete them. Thinking to yourself is redundant because you are the only one there. Do you have italics for the inner thoughts? Yes, so you don't need to make it redundant. Delete the thought tags.

Be aware of what dialogue tags are for. They're for clarifying who said what. If you have a tag that says "said the distraught pegasus" then I still have no idea who is talking. It's another way to make what's happening confusing and the harder you make your story to read, the more likely a reader will bolt. You also want to watch out for Lavender Unicorn Syndrome as it seems to pop up occasionally. If we already know their name, then use that or pronouns. It's not that it's bad to use it period, it's just that when you have so many characters on the page, keeping track of which color belongs to which pony will take the reader out of the story very fast. You said that you already know what LUS is, so I won't mention what it is.

Final Notes:

Be careful of adding words that add nothing new to the sentence or repeats something that is obvious. You spend lots of time spent describing unimportant things, so I wasn't sure what was important and which was just a part of the setting. Most of the story-related questions are in-doc, and I did my best to cover most of the important parts, but I don't believe I caught everything. Consider this a preliminary review if you want and show this to the next person that reviews your fic. I'd consider getting another editor if I were you. But I'm not, so...

I also question why the first part is even in there because by skimming the rest of the story, it seems like it turns into just an excuse to get Rainbow Dash out of the house. I thought it was going to be a story about the bonding between Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo, but it completely switches gears in Chapter two towards Derpy and Dinky. It kinda sounds like ideas for two different stories slapped into once. For one, I'd like to see a nice story about Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo bonding, because she doesn't seem to get very many happy stories about her. This is one of the few stories where she actually has both parents. But it would be unfair to poke at the other chapters since skimming is not good enough for reviewing's sake. So for now, I can't judge any of the story aspects quite yet, since I only looked at chapter one and that wouldn't be fair. Just know that most people won't bother to go through the rest because of the following systemic errors.

A lot of your sentences are redundant and repetitive, you have comma splices everywhere, most of the sentences are telling, and the semicolons and colons are used incorrectly. Your story has much greater problems that pop up later on that pertain to the story. But most readers will never get that far because most of your grammar and punctuation is very very off. It's likely that the pre-reader didn't really even get that far in the first place. I only read chapter one yes, but this fic is going to need a few more reviews before EqD will take it anyway. You have to go back and fix these grammar problems first, or else no one will even read the rest.

When you fix them, then you can come back for another review and get the story part worked on. But as of now, picture this. Your fic is like a beautiful floor covered in garbage. In order for you to let others see it, first you must clean that floor. If you need more examples of why something looks and sounds awkward and you want to know how to fix it, feel free to let me more and I'll go find some more resources for you. I apologize if the review sounds harsh, I just want to help you improve your writing the best I can, and I don't believe that will happen if I hugbox you.

If you want me to, I can read the second and third chapters more in-depth and provide feedback on that too. The only reason I stopped at chapter one was because I wanted to see what your writing goals are and what you're planning to do for your story. If you're going to quit because of one review, then I'd rather not waste my time going over story stuff. But if you still want to continue with your story, I'll be glad to read the rest. Just be aware that the grammar and punctuation exist throughout your entire story.

Since your story has two strikes against it for EqD already, it's going to be much harder to fix this story up and get it submitted. I'd recommend getting as many reviewers to look at your story as possible and link them to this review. Just be aware that Ponychan rules state that you're supposed to tell other people when you ask for a review if you've given your fic to someone else for a review. I think the max is two threads at the same time, but I'm not entirely sure.

As always, never give up and keep writing.
>> No. 101883
>>100836

>In the vastness of infinity, filling it in totality for the first time in one hundred years, were twelve brilliant sets of lights, better known as constellations of the Zodiac, that chased each other in an eternal, circular dance.

Five commas? Seriously? I'm so claiming this!
>> No. 101897
>>101883
I'll keep an eye out for your review.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 101898
>>101863

I know it's probably unrealistic, but it would be nice to hear feedback on the story unencumbered by the baggage of the genre in which I've kind of fallen into. I'll admit that I didn't take a very close look at the state of the MLP fanfiction selection when I began writing. Now I'm realizing that HiE has been played to death, but it would be nice if you could take a fresh look at it. However, if the writing needs help, please, by all means let me have it ;) In any case, thanks for taking it on.
>> No. 101899
File 133668963900.jpg - (35.65KB , 640x355 , 88093%20-%20artist%3AParallaxMLP%20derpy_hooves%20Ditzy_Doo%20flash%20Lava_Lamp%20Link.jpg )
101899
>>101898
The thing is that it's very hard to take something seriously when everything else that has followed the path didn't end up well. There's a few exceptions, but those are ones that are usually by authors with a lot of work under their belt already and engulfed into the fandom to such a high level. I am going to give it a shot with an open mind, but I won't be afraid to point out the tropes you commit.
>> No. 101902
File 133669167908.jpg - (15.59KB , 210x212 , scootalooyoumustbenewhere.jpg )
101902
>>101712
Aww and I thought we were having fun. seriously those smashed computer images were hilarious, and the heated debate was so exciting and enjoyable. i would ask you to do this again, but i have the feeling you'd rather not. I'm going to rewrite the story without the whole kidnapping sch-peal, and ask a mod to approve the changes before sending it back through here. thanks for your time and it really was very helpful dispite our disagreements.
>> No. 101905
>>101899

I hate being unoriginal, so this would help a lot, thanks.
>> No. 101907
File 133669232431.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
101907
>>101712
Oh yeah, one more thing, what is the head cannon of most people? I have never heard an explanation for Derpy's cutie mark, so I made one up for my story. If you know of one that's popular, let me know and I'll gladly incorporate it into the story.
>> No. 101909
>>101856

Thanks for the feedback. I realize it's slow to start, but that was the intention. The ties to FiM really start getting heavy around chapter 5, more and more so from then on. Is it that I put too much mystery into the first 4 chapters? Something to fix?

I'm pretty everything the EqD readers said needed working on was worked on. I haven't sent them this version yet.

And you're right! A.C. does stand for After Celestia. None of my friends have been able to decipher that.
>> No. 101911
File 133669419838.png - (172.58KB , 640x360 , OhYeah.png )
101911
>>101909
I'm very sorry I wasn't able to read enough to actually get to that part. I would suggest you make it more apparent through starting chapters. you can lose readers pretty quick if you don't introduce what they want when it's appropriate to do so. I have learned this first hand, honestly. Fics that take place a significant time in the future can be hard to correlate at first to FiM, but you simply must.
>> No. 101912
File 133669460812.jpg - (26.73KB , 214x235 , 10022_r.jpg )
101912
>>101858
>>100285
Hello again Greek. I had told you within these 24 hours I would review your fic, but other things have come up that I will be unable to read and review it tonight when I usually do those things. I WILL have your fic done before/at Saturday morning for sure. I promise you this.
>>101863
>>101239
Ditto for above. Very sorry that I won't be making the deadline I stated before.
>> No. 101913
>>101911

What about punctuation, grammar, or spacing? I'm mainly concerned with those. Or is that not your area of expertise?
>> No. 101914
File 133669503047.png - (14.84KB , 100x100 , 7af9e4219e-avatar.png )
101914
>>101913
I'm fine with those, but you have to fix your main and biggest issue first. I was going to comment on that, but I seemed to forget about it once I started realizing it wasn't what it needed to be all together. From what I gather however it's pretty good grammar and formatting wise.
>> No. 101941
>>101864

Yeah. I saw the reviewing guide. I'll take this and review it.

I'm busy all day Friday, but I'll probably look this over when I'm at work on Saturday. I'll probably have this done by next Saturday, but it could take longer.

I'm going to be using The Elements of Style by Strunk and White for my review. I'd think that would be good to know.

Cheers! (What have I gotten myself into?)
>> No. 101950
File 133670879427.png - (255.91KB , 700x700 , 89432894.png )
101950
Well I haven't been in one of these threads for a while. I sort of feel like reviewing something, but I'm not too sure how this new system works... do I have to call "dibs" for something?
>> No. 101954
>>101950
It's optional, but preferred. That way, two reviewers don't review the same thing. (I once had LlamaLlumps put his review post between my two-parter. As we reviewed the same fic, it was extra awkward.)
>> No. 101956
File 133671265612.png - (61.90KB , 251x238 , Bon Bon131499712463.png )
101956
>>101902
>>101907
You already read Bubbles, you should know. It's the most well known one-shot, we don't need another Derpy origin story.

There's a very large list of background ponies on the MLP wiki; write an origin for one of them.

Also, read some of the writing guides in the op.
>> No. 101957
>>101956
*ahem*
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1509/
Currently the 14th most-viewed fic all-time on FiMFiction.net.

Not to self-promote or anything.
>> No. 101959
>>101857

Thank you very much Ezn! It really means a lot to me that you enjoyed the first three chapters of my story, eh! Also thank you for your "Ezn's Guide to Writing (Fan)Fiction" and LUS. I've read and re-read these a couple times in the last few days and will try to keep these guidelines in mind as I continue to write. They are very helpful, and spot-on, IMO, eh!

Thanks also for the suggestions on fixing the mechanics and grammar problems. This is something I struggle with just because I've been out of the habit of writing for so long. (For example, I didn't know that a single space after a period is considered proper now. And I especially had no idea about the proper use of em-dashes. The article you link in your guide on the proper use of dashes is an excellent resource!)

I also really like your suggestion of hanging a lampshade on the whole accent thing. Getting the accent right is also something I find really challenging, and I usually end up re-reading dialogue I write ten times at least to see if if "feels" right. I personally speak with a bit of an Idaho-redneck accent (which is mostly run-of-the-mill American), with some Southern and Canadian flourish thrown in from times I used to make fun of these people so much that the speech patterns stuck hard enough to become part of my regular speech, eh. But I do worry that I screw up the old-timey western (Granny Smith and Stinking Rich), the Texan (Apple family), and Southern (young or flustered Filthy Rich) so much that I'm breaking reader immersion. My attempts at actually imitating these accents when I read my dialogue aloud are so laughable that I often times break my own immersion at how silly I sound (part of the reason I end up re-reading these passages 10+ times). Hmmm...

Anyway, the lampshade idea (which I'd never heard about before--thanks for that link) also allows me to address the voice I'll use when Diamond Tiara actually shows up as a character in the story much later on. Since this is a letter to DT, it would make sense for Filthy to shift into the second person (or at least return to the letter format) when that happens. But I think the shift in perspective would be too jarring for the reader, and also wouldn't allow me the flexibility I'm going to need to tell the story at that point. Using a lampshade at the beginning to address this seems like a good way for me to be able to continue to treat Diamond Tiara as just another character in the story, which is supposed to be a letter addressed to her.

One other note: This is actually the fourth revision of the story thus far, and the second revision in this extended format. There's been another author on fimfiction.net who has been commenting on every chapter I've posted whose suggestions have been really helpful in the areas I think I'm weakest. "Impossible Numbers" also helped me avoid an embarrassing bit of purple prose I wrote into chapter 2 at one point...

Anyway my point is that although you've said I may want to consider getting a more critical reader, from the looks of your writing guide and the suggestions you made on my story thus far, as well as those pieces of pony fanfiction you've written that I've had the time to read thus far, I think you do have a pretty solid grasp of the elements of writing where I'm pretty weak. Would it be okay with you if I requested your help reviewing / editing later chapters, or did you have a suggestion for someone else from which you think I ought to be requesting help? (I'm sorry to be such a noob at this: I'd never even really heard about the world of pony fanfiction before a month ago.)

Anyway, thank you again both for your help in improving my work, as well as for letting me know that you enjoyed it!

SR
>> No. 101961
File 133671708447.jpg - (76.84KB , 873x960 , 526264_278785998872757_221602987924392_621638_1863152792_n.jpg )
101961
>>101956
SpidermanMP4.gif
I hadn't read Bubbles when I wrote it though. I'm going to continue writing and you can't stop me. If you'd rather be bitter than help then I'll just leave you be, but I will produce this eventually.
>> No. 101975
If possible, I'd like to put a hold on my story before it is claimed while I address some issues raised with it by another reviewer, now that it seems to be "next" in the queue. I just need a few days.

If a hold isn't possible, then I guess I should just take a new slot later. Untill I fix things with the first chapter, I think I'd be wasting a reviewers time there.

(or just review chapters 3-6. :)

Thanks!
>> No. 101977
>>101959
I'm glad to have helped and always happy that someone else has learnt from my guide! Thanks for the comment on my fic as well, that was swell! If you feel you'd like me to keep looking at later chapters, I'd be more than happy to. Just put them in this thread and request me, or send me a PM on FIMFiction, or email me at [email protected] I'll try to be punctual about responding and getting things done.

I specialise in style and grammar, so my main concern about my review's inadequacy was that I didn't really address much plot- or character-wise, but that may be because this story is solid enough not to really need correction in those areas. If you're confident in your plotting and characterisation, please forge ahead with the story, but otherwise you may want to request a second review that focuses on those things. I'm wouldn't say it's necessary, but go with your gut feeling.
>> No. 101979
Title: Moonlight Sonata
Tags: [Shipping] [Sad] [Slice-of-Life]

Synopsis: The fights between Octavia and Vinyl have only worsened, and now their relationship is hitting it's breaking point. But when Lyra gets four tickets for the Lunar Maiden, an eloquent cruise liner, both are invited. Now cramped together aboard the fancy ship, Vinyl and Octavia must cope with the circumstances. Can they rebuild using the slivers they have left, or will all be lost to the stormy sea on which they sail?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15270/Moonlight-Sonata

I sent this into EqD a good while ago, and I can't quite remember all they said. Though, what sticks out the most is the Show vs. Tell problem.
>> No. 101991
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer Dublio speaking and this review is for the story "The Edge of Harmony" written by Alazak. Prologue and Chapter 1. Well, let's get started then, shall we?

Most of the comments were left in the doc, but I'll leave some of the general impressions here and try to address each of the pre-reader's issues for you.Let's start with the pre-reader issues.

PRE-READER ISSUES:

1) Comma mis-use. In the very first sentence of the prologue, you could replace the first comma with the word 'and' and simply remove the second comma altogether. It's rather incorrect as it stands.

The pre-reader only pointed out one instance of misusing commas but there are a few more that exist. I pointed out some of them in doc but you might want to study up on commas. There are many rules for commas though so it can get a bit annoying to remember all of the rules. Here's a nice quick resource for you to study up on.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/01/

2) Capitalization issues.The first sentence of the second paragraph... 'The' should not be capitalized.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/592/1/

3) Flat writing. This is coming across very poorly, and I know it is not your intention. It's reading very flat and isn't pulling me in.

What the pre-reader means is that your sentences are very vague, awkward sounding, and telling. You add lots of superfluous or redundant words, make it confusing and hard to visualize what's happening. In the case of the prologue, the only way we know what's happening is because of the episode. If we had never seen it, we would have no idea what's going on. But I'll address those problems in the general review.

4) Punctuation AND capitalization issues. The first sentence of the third paragraph... not good. Correct: "Hi!" she said. "Hi," she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said. "Hi," She said. Don't do this.

What the pre-reader is trying to say here is that your dialogue attribution is done incorrectly sometimes. Or maybe it's because due to some of your awkwardly worded sentences, it might have been to hard to tell which is a speaking verb and which was an action by the character. Take a look at Ezn's Guide and read up on it. It's a helpful resource.

http://derpy.me/EznGuideDialogue

5) Apostrophe and comma absent. Second sentence of the fourth paragraph. Comma after 'that', and apostrophe added to leader to make it leader's. This denotes possession and or ownership.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/

6) Absurdly rushed plot. I know a story is being read, but you went from Equestria being decimated by Discord to the wrap-up in only three paragraphs. You might wish to re-write this so that the mother is reading the tail end of the story, and close the part in that fashion.

Basically, the pre-reader said that the events in the story happen too fast. The first paragraph is kinda pointless to begin with because you're telling us what happened in the show but your execution in describing it leaves much to be desired. Since your goal as a writer is to pull the reader in immediately, you might want to start with the confrontation between Twilight and friends. Then, as they interact with each other, you can weave in some of the things mentioned in the first paragraph via showing. But as it is, it looks like a massive block of text full of telling.

The prologue itself is kinda short and consists mostly telling of everything. Instead of talking heads, you add words that don't actually describe anything and are vague. Instead of painting a picture, it looks like you're trying to describe someone's painting when all they did was splash eight different buckets of colors onto a canvas. It's unengaging and uninteresting, but you can fix that up by showing. How do you do that? Think about the reactions of the ponies, watch out for the LUS, and try to cut on the telling. I'm afraid that not only is this entire prologue very telling, it also tells me nothing so I'm left with a blank. If I hadn't seen the episode, I would have absolutely no idea what was happening.

I think you should practice writing description for a bit and use words that actually mean something instead of being vague. A fellow reviewer Vimbert can explain this better than I can.

Vimbert's Advice:

I've noticed that some authors in this fandom have trouble with adequately describing scenery, and I came up with a little something that might help out.

Find a park. Actually, this doesn't need to be a park, but any place with a fair bit of human activity and a hint of nature will work; I myself did this on my campus quad. Lay down on the grass and close your eyes. Consider: how would you describe your perceptions of your surroundings right now? How could you set a scene without ever saying what something looked like? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you smell?

Consider what you see when you are without sight.

This is not to say that sight isn't important; it's one of our dominant senses. However, a little inclusion of sensory details beyond just what people see can go a long way towards engaging the reader and making everything feel more real.

>I'm ending the review now. I'm not even out of the prologue, and it's painfully evident you did not proof-read this.

After reading the prologue and chapter 1, I can see why the pre-reader thought this. It's because there were many mistakes here and there, most of which I pointed out in the doc. After reading the whole thing, I noticed a lot of unimportant events in there and wondered why you even bothered with it. At this rate, I think it would be better to just cut the first paragraph in your story, extend the confrontation between Discord and Twilight & Friends, and then immediately cut to Chapter 2 (Where I presume the main character actually gets a lead). I'm wondering what the important parts in chapter one are, because it's stuck under so much other stuff that it's hard to tell if something's important or not.

Nothing really happens in chapter 1. Boring, needs action. Why not cut to the next part instead? Just fix up the prologue and connect it to chapter 2, voila. As for your sentences, you love to tell the obvious or explain many things, which leads to telling. Such as the parts about her friends, her family and personalities and lots of other stuff that doesn't seem to matter because she is leaving that town anyway. There are a lot of chances for showing which you end up just glossing over, such as their reactions to their graduations, the stories of their old adventures during school days, and pretty much a lot. I think you should just cut all of this because it sounds more like filler anyway. Unless it comes up in later chapters, of course. But the way you're doing it already tells me nothing, so it's impossible for something to be referenced since you just said "they talked about their high school adventures for hours." That's nice, but is it important?

GENERAL REVIEW:

Since most of your sentences are telling and awkward sounding, I would recommend studying up on those guides in this review. Let's try to tackle some of the problems one by one, shall we?

Showing vs Telling Issues:

Readers want the play, not the script. "Showing" is incorporating the characters' feelings into their actions, thoughts, and dialogue instead of that boring old coot, The Narrator, telling us what they're feeling. If a scene is tense or sad, the characters should seem anxious or grieved. And for Celestia's sake, stop explaining everything! Readers aren't idiots, and some actually have the capability of abstract thought, believe it or not. With the exception of imagery, implicit is better than explicit. It sinks in better if they have to think about it for a second.

A guide that can explain this better is the omnibus, linked below:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit

Scroll down to the showing vs telling section, it can explain it better than I can. Better yet, I'd look over the rest of the guide too. It's pretty useful.

Moving on, it's hard to give the story a real review because it's burdened down by a lot of other faulty mechanics. It's sorta like a hamburger that fell in the mud. It's hard to see the actual hamburger until you clear away the mud from it first. But seeing as how your chapter 1 doesn't really seem important or catchy, it's more like the hamburger hidden underneath the bun is really just a two pieces of bun and a sliver of lettuce. Meaning that it has no meat in it.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome:

You have a bit of this floating around your story which can make it confusing sometimes. Here's a copypaste as to what Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) is.

Definition:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

Ah well, here are a few misc notes for you. Most of the other things were mentioned in doc but were pretty context sensitive, so I couldn't list them here.

Misc. Notes:

All of your paragraphs are freaking ginormous. Cut it down into smaller chunks if you actually want people to read it.

Don't put sentences in all caps, an exclamation point is fine. If you can't get your point across with an exclamation point, then you have already overused them and the effect has been lost.

You need more body language, transitions between character actions and scenes, and work on your description. Make sure you mention concrete words instead of vague ones. I find it hard to picture what's happening most of the time.

If you have inner thoughts, then italicize them. There shouldn't be any quotation marks around them.

Like before, check those dialogue attribution guide in the guide I linked above.

Any time you have a thought tag that says "thought to herself," then delete them. It's redundant to think to yourself as you're the only person that can hear yourself. If your thoughts are italicized, then you can cut any instance of "she thought to herself" that you see.

Basically what I'm saying is to overhaul your story and get your writing fixed up first, then come back for another review. Perhaps I should read the other chapters to see what happens next and which parts are actually important but for now, it's hard to do so because it's being held back by the writing. But if you want to improve, take a look at those guides. I apologize if the review seems long, it's only done for the sake of improving your writing. Be aware that until you get these errors fixed up, we won't even be able to find the other mistakes hidden deeper within. Presentation and all that.

If the pre-reader stopped at the prologue, chances are that many readers will do the same thing. If you want readers to make it to the interesting parts, you have to cut out the fluff and fix the beginning first. Only after that can we give you a real review. But for now, I hopefully provided enough for you to get started.

Alright then, good luck and don't stop writing. I hope you have a pleasant day now. Enjoy!
>> No. 101992
>>101941

Alrighty then, thanks for claiming! Looking forward to it.
>> No. 101993
>>101881
Thank you kindly for the review mate! To be honest, your review is helpful but I just want to give up on this fanfic now. I'm just too tired of writing it, I'd rather just write short one offs. As a matter of fact, I've written another one of fanfic, The review was amazing though, but I do not wish to make the changes. This is also my first fanfic, and we all know that we give up on a LOT of projects before getting big. So yeah, thanks but I'd rather stick to doing one of fanfics.
>> No. 101994
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101994
Tags: [Normal][OC][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Two weeks after the 960th Summer Sun Celebration, the classes at the Royal Canterlot Magic University are commencing.
Part of the incoming students are two life long unicorn friends determined to have the time of their lives!
Joining them is an erudite earth pony with a dream of learning all there is to learn.
How will these three fair in the big ol' mean, scary city?
Frankly, I think we should be more worried about the city.

Links:
FimFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24378/Grey
Deviant Art:
1-(http://gigathrash.deviantart.com/art/Grey-1-As-Goes-Canterlot-299975697)
2-(http://gigathrash.deviantart.com/art/Grey-2-So-Goes-Equestria-301412989)
GDocs:
1-(https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LGyAfG3F4x4cAk2P8FcL53pdtQiVBEOutj9JL3LkCdk/edit)
2-(https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eMcRJ8DSOX5Sol5deT0WfW1xJX8T_PipTlwlFiGm4Vc/edit)

Please review the first two chapters. (The only ones currently posted :P)

Comments/requests:
This is my very first fanfic submission, so I probably did something wrong.
And before you ask, if you find a grammatical or spelling error, it's probably a stylistic choice.
I have five editors for that exact reason.
>> No. 101995
>>101993

Yup, I know that feel all too well. No worries, as long as you take something from the review then I have at least helped a little bit. Good luck and keep writing! :D
>> No. 101996
>>101961
Good; keep writing.

Just don't write about Derpy!
>> No. 101999
>>101975

Seeing as how you're going to need to revamp your story after Golden Vision went through it, it's probably going to take a lot more time then you think to fix that. For now, we'll remove you from the queue since your story isn't fixed atm. So just come back when you're finished and we'll put you back in the queue.
>> No. 102002
>>101991

Thank you for all the help. I can see now where every thing i thought about how to story tell is either completely wrong or severely outdated. An overhaul perhaps a complete scrap is necessary for this work.
This review helped and hopefully will improve my overall out look on writing in the future.
>> No. 102003
>>101881
You're reviewing my fic last. I wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Anyway, if you get this, can you help me with my showing vs telling. That's a problem I seem to struggle with.

Thanks!

p0n00b
>> No. 102007
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102007
Not a claim or a review, but...

>>101994
>And before you ask, if you find a grammatical or spelling error, it's probably a stylistic choice.
>I have five editors for that exact reason.

>The first unicorn that had spoken
*who

>"But Greeey,” the unicorn punctuated each word by swishing her long sapphire mane to and fro, letting a whine sneak in just for good measure, “I wanna experiment."
>"No buts this time,” the stallion dictated, slamming his hoof down in emphasis, “I'm not drinking anything you make this semester and that is my final decision. Now stop complaining and help me unpack."
>"Bah," Grey's magic enveloped the pile as he organized his books for the second time today.
Various dialogue punctuation errors.

>The complaining mare flopped onto one of the unoccupied bed like objects
*bed-like

>The other occupant of the room, a male unicorn with a light charcoal pelt, was carefully unpacking boxes, Or at least he had been until he had put a hoof straight thru the top of one,
Capital letter in the middle of a sentence. And also:
>thru

>Grey took a look around at his newly decorated half of the dorm room.Carious constellation maps adorned teh
Well.

>This colt couldn't be older than 14
*fourteen

>While the unviersity
Yeah.

>Alchy's eyes bulged as realization dawned upon her. Glancing over at Grey she saw that he had gotten it too.
>"Soooo, do you want any help moving in?" Alchy's horn glowed as she picked up the Manni's bags, magicking them inside.
>Manni brightened up considerably now that the topic had been changed. "Thanks for that, where are you two from anyway?"
>Alchy's face exploded in a delighted grin as she prepared to launch into her entire life story (unabridged).
Missing paragraph spacing.

>“Horse feathers,” she grumped
Missing punctuation.

And that's just what I picked up from a quick, half-hearted skim. Get better editors.
>> No. 102011
Hi there, I have a bit of a question for anyone to answer here:

As it says in Escher's Hints, sensory writing is usually the best prose to use in any writing that doesn't aim for any specific prose. My question is this: In sections of a story that are heavy in dialogue, with multiple characters speaking and not much in the way of action, what are some good ways to maintain good sensory detail? I know you can briefly write about any movements the characters make or the expressions on their face, but is there anything else you can do to keep things from reading like a glorified movie script?
>> No. 102014
>>102003

Sure, I'll list some specific examples as I go through your fic as well as go more in-depth into showing vs telling.
>> No. 102018
>>102011
Well, you've got half of it.

Don't have "talking heads" that may as well be statues. In addition to actions and facial expressions, give body language, reactions to what the characters are hearing, and some internal thoughts. You can also add little lifelike details like fidgeting, getting distracted by something, or scratching an itch.

Advice I commonly give: What's said is only half of a conversation. Give me the rest. How does an actor in a movie convey his emotion rather than stating it explicitly? Do the same things. Put yourself in the scene. What do you observe beyond just overhearing the dialogue?

Keep in mind how expressive these ponies are in the show with their body language, eyes, and ears.
>> No. 102024
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102024
Title: Strawberry Turnover Pays a Visit

Author: Derpity

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Normal/Slice of life

Synopsis: Everypony knows that Pinkie Pie is friends with all the ponies in ponyville, but when Strawberry Turnover drops in for an unexpected visit, memories from Pinkie's past lead to judgement and jumping to conclusions.
This is my first fanfic,
Thank you for reading

Links :
fimfiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21970/Strawberry-Turnover-Pays-a-Visit

Chapters: All

Coments/requests: It's my first fanfic, it might seam pretty bad :( sorry
>> No. 102025
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102025
>>101813
>> No. 102037
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102037
>>102011
Like Pascoite said: body language. It helps keep the reader in tune with the mood and the scene instead of it fading away as your characters talk. A good exercise I've found for this is to watch a movie or cartoon and if there's a lot of dialogue in one portion note everything else that's going on. Often in cartoon's they'll use body language in an exaggerated manner to help convey the mood or add leverage to a funny piece of dialogue. I'm not saying make Twilight turn into rubber, but it definitely does help to identify it. As usual though, the best thing to do is to read scenes that have a lot of dialogue and just see what that author does.
Hope that helps.
>> No. 102040
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102040
>>102024
>seam
First line of story:
>seamed (Still wrong context)

Deeply apologize about just pointing that out so bluntly, but I'd hate for you to be turned away by a reader because of a mistake like this in your writing. It is 'seemed', Ms/Mr. Derpity. to 'seam' something is to sew it, or it could be a noun for 'the seam of my jeans' where the stitching is that combines pieces together. A lot of people WILL turn you away because of this, so I hope you correct this quickly. Make sure all of the words you're using aren't incorrect homonyms.
>> No. 102041
>>98837 >>100269
Detailed comments in doc

Sorry for taking so long, but I have to be honest. It was a slog to get through this chapter. Here's why:

Mechanics:
There were a lot of errors with hyphen use, comma splices, a few other comma errors, and some dialogue punctuation problems. These are mostly different errors than you had in the last chapter, so I don't know what suddenly made them become prevalent. At least you're not lapsing back into your old mistakes so much, which is the main point of getting a review. You just have a new set to condition yourself to avoid now.

Style:
There are quite a few instances of awkward phrasing and strange word choice. I found too many words that had shades of meaning that didn't fit. I suspect you pulled them out of a thesaurus without researching the details of their meanings to be sure you used them appropriately.

The whole chapter was a giant mass of telling. Your biggest offense is the "-ly" adverb. Granted, not all "-ly" words are adverbs, and I probably typed a few in the comments as well, but a quick Ctrl-F tells me you have 271 in the document. Let's do a little math.

10k word chapter
Average length of an English sentence is ~10 words, but I'll push it closer to 15, since descriptive fiction will tend to be longer. So, you have roughly 700 sentences. Adverbs are fairly scarce in dialogue, so I'll discount sentences that are entirely dialogue. After a quick scan, I'll say that's about 10%, so you have about 600 sentences that are ripe for telling abuse. 271 "-ly" adverbs in 600 sentences is pretty darn close to one every other sentence. That's a LOT of telling, and it just makes the story boring.

A particularly painful instance was the flashback scene, which rushed through the whole budding relationship, and included two long paragraphs that told what should have been very emotionally-charged scenes through narration only, without immersing the reader in the events and showing them. This issue is the single biggest thing that's killing this chapter.

Show me the things that the adverbs are telling by using character actions and better word choice. Careful selection of verbs will go far in reducing the number of adverbs you need to fine-tune your meaning.

Characters:
We don't see that much of Shadow in this chapter, and he's not really developed any more than he was in the first chapter, so you're neutral there. The canon characters are reasonably IC, and the only one with whom we spend significant time is Fluttershy, who is done convincingly.

Plot:
A few issues.

The shadow/love interest took up much of chapter 1, and gets top billing in your synopsis. Even your title references it. It was a cute hook and got me interested in the picking up this fic. This chapter didn't touch on this plot line so much, and I think it's to your detriment that the title ignores a significant portion of the story. Through much of this chapter, I found myself thinking, "Okay, this is nice, but what's going on with Fluttershy?" The other plot points haven't developed to the point that they're interesting yet, and I had to wade through a lot of them to get to the parts that did interest me. You need to get deeper into these other conflicts sooner rather than later, or you risk having the reader give up on you.

Comedy. Hm. I wasn't working for me. At all. I could see the frequent attempts at humor, but the jokes just weren't landing, and it makes for a lot of bland text. I think I laughed twice. At least you toned down the external references in this chapter, but Yogi Bear? Twice? He does nothing to drive any plot points, and he's not funny, so what possible reason is there to use him other than "Hey, look, it's Yogi Bear?" Same with Fetlock. If there's a plot-relevant reason to have him in the story, then get to it. Quickly.

Trollestia is also a sadly tired meme.

Final Thoughts:
I'd normally give a longer review than this, particularly for a fic of this length, but I really couldn't come up with anything more to say. The problems are broad ones that I can't get at by nitpicking a laundry list of details.

There is a lot of work to be done here, but you can get a significant return if you're willing to put in the effort. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 102051
>>102040
fixed
many thanks to you
Please, Mr. Derpity is my father, call me Derpity ;)
>> No. 102055
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102055
>>102051
Right on. Again, just try to brush up a bit on that. I've seen reviewers that will turn you down immediately for that, especially if it looks like you're posting like an average 14 year old girl on Facebook.
>> No. 102064
Trixie’s more of a comment-type reviewer, but to comment this doc in her usual style would be far too tedious, and would probably crash the document.

Now, Trixie will just list your pre-reader’s grievances for future reference:

1) THE FORMATTING.
2) SPELLING ERRORS.
3) TENSE CHANGES.
4) DISTRACTING DIVIDER.
5) TELLING.
6) GRAMMATICAL ERROR.
7) WORD MISUSE.
8) SPACES MISSING.

Now, seeing as your pre-reader was so kind as to list these errors, Trixie must assume that any she encounters are ones you either missed or simply were ignorant of. Either way, Trixie will continue to the review proper now.

Prologue:

>It was dark, very dark.

The first thing that hits Trixie is 1, the formatting. Now, italics are best used for emphasis sparingly, and Trixie personally believes that they shouldn’t be used in that manner at all. Note that you’ve used them very, very often.

The second thing that Trixie noticed is how boring this sentence is. It does not progress the action, and it’s 5, telly.

What does it look like? Trixie doesn’t know.
What does it feel like to be in this setting? Trixie doesn’t know.
How should it make Trixie feel? Trixie doesn’t know.

Trixie hates being left in the dark, and that’s exactly what you’ve done - placed Trixie in a black, excuse Trixie, very black void.

Combined, Trixie would probably stop reading immediately. That’s 5 words, do you understand? That’s all it took to drive Trixie off. You only get a few sentences to entice your reader to continue, and that’s called the hook, something you lack dearly.

As for telling... it’s as if The Great and Powerful Trixie was performing a magic show, only to simply tell the audience what The Great and Powerful Trixie could be doing rather than performing it. The simpleton ponies would be bored out of their skulls! Trixie will refrain from going to into too much detail - all will be revealed in time.

That seems like enough for that pitiful dribble. Let’s see what the next sentence holds...

>The sound of arguing could be heard echoing in the blackness, high-pitched voices like nails on a chalkboard.

Bah, what poor phrasing! At least you used some words that evoke imagery, so Trixie can’t call 5 here. By using a form of “to be” in your sentence, you’ve made it passive and far too weak. Just by removing that “to be,” and adding some more descriptive language, let’s see what happens.

>The sound of arguing echoed through the blackness, high-pitched voices like nails on a chalkboard.

Trixie has a personal bias against similes, especially cliche ones such as nails on a chalkboard. However, if your style is to write in cliche, Trixie will go ahead and let you. As for the latter half of that phrase, Trixie isn’t done quite yet. Read the following:

>high-pitched voices like nails on a chalkboard.

Which leaves Trixie asking, “High-pitched voices like nails on a chalkboard... what?” It seems like you have a subject but no verb. Adding a verb:

>The sound of arguing echoed through the blackness, high-pitched voices like nails on a chalkboard bouncing off the cavern walls.

Oh look, Trixie was even so kind as to help you set the scene. Now that’s a second sentence Trixie could bear to read. Finally, Trixie will call 1 on you again, this time for failing to separate your paragraphs properly. A paragraph is offset from its predecessors by a full line break, as Trixie has been doing throughout this review.

>A torch lit up, illuminating the three hulking forms of familiar Canoids.

Why wouldn’t the torch already be lit? What sort of creatures would be so foolish enough to bumble around in the dark when they have a torch?

Why does Trixie know these “Canoids,” whatever they are? Hm? Do explain, seeing as you call them familiar. It seems unfair to Trixie that you introduce some new species or something and then call them familiar, all in the same sentence.

Oh, Trixie sees now. This work requires that the reader knows their stuff, does it? Hahah, good luck with that!

>“Why do we dig down here?! I can barely see!” whined Spot.

Trixie doesn’t know which is worse, that this Spot’s grammar is so atrocious or that the error might be yours. Furthermore, interro-bangs (?!) are best used rarely, if at all. Much better to use proper dialogue tags and construction to produce the required effect. As for Spot’s dialogue...

>“Why are we digging down here?”

That tense error is grating, oh and it’s 3 as well.

>Fido grumbled under his breath, “If someone had not let go of the gem-finding pony, we would not have to look this far.”

Look this far or dig this far? Really, this is some simple stuff - are these dogs digging or searching? Further italics abuse, so Trixie will call a 1.

>Rover wheeled about defensively, anger stamped across his muzzled features, “Do not blame me! I certainly don’t remember any of you arguing when we sent her away! She was going to drive us crazy with all those noises!”

Italic abuse again, 1. That, and this dialogue sounds stiff. Just try and say it out loud to yourself, why don’t you? Does anypony speak like that, especially when they are angry? Trixie doesn’t think so. Try using softer pauses than exclamation points, why don’t you.

>Rover growled deep in his throat, though with his voice it didn’t sound too intimidating. Fido growled back, his lower timbre giving it more weight. Spot rolled his eyes; these two had been fighting all day, when something caught his attention.

Let’s play a game, shall we? Can you guess what’s wrong with this section?

No? Not surprising, since it made it this far.

Then let The Great and Powerful Trixie tell you: it’s boring. Every sentence starts [subject] [verb]. That alone is enough to slowly drain a reader of interest. The solution?

Obviously, you need to vary your sentence structure. It’s also a little telly, but not nearly as egregious as other instances.

>Spot rolled his eyes; these two had been fighting all day, when something caught his attention.

This sentence is particular is quite mal-formed. A semicolon is good for combining two related independent clauses, but really, the way you tack on a dependant clause at the end that interrupts the first statement really smacks of poor phrasing.

“These two” or “those two?” Think about it.

What you really want to do is use that clause as an interjection.

>Spot rolled his eyes – those two had been fighting all day – when something caught his attention.

Better. Of course, there are much more elegant ways to communicate the information “they had been fighting all day” than using such a clunky phrasing, but Trixie doesn’t feel like bothering to re-write several paragraphs to make it work.

>A speck of purest white that lay amidst the rock and dirt of the tunnels; he sniffed, and moved to investigate.

“Purest white” just bores Trixie to tears - it’s bland. Purest white, darkest black, reddest red, whatever, Trixie isn’t interested in the slightest in weak and cliche imagery. This stone, which is apparently quartz-like in appearance, isn’t really “purest white” - it’s a stone! It has texture, it has color. It does not have cliche. As for the phrasing, this is a perfect example of a sentence doing too much. Really now, this would be fine as two, even three sentences.

>Probably quartz… but, it didn’t smell like quartz. It smelled more valuable than that and he felt something in his soul... deep, radiating warmth that seemed to come from over here.

No, no, no! Do not use ellipses in narration. In direct thoughts, as denoted by italics? Trixie would understand that, but never in narration. Don’t bother asking why, Trixie will explain soon enough.

>deep, radiating warmth that seemed to come from over here.
>from over here.

Trixie doesn’t even feel like mocking you on this point. Where is here, exactly? “from the stone.”

>The clasp seemed non-existent, leading one to wonder how the blazes you were supposed to put it on.

Nonsensical. Who is this “one?” Just have Rover or whatever investigate the lack of a clasp, and use their perspective instead. That is the benefit of 3rd person, after all.

One last thing before Trixie throws in the line-editing towel - don’t use those asterisks for scene breaks. Google Docs has a lovely feature called horizontal rules. “Insert > Horizontal line”

Oh, and when your reviewer/editor told you to split it up into more manageable parts, they meant chapters, not scenes. A chapter normally hovers around 15 pages, but really they can be of any length. You use a chapter to denote a stronger break than a scene break, or at a good stopping point in the story.

Not to chop your story up into useless pieces.

The Breakdown:

Now you might be wondering why The Great and Powerful Trixie stopped reading before she even finished the “Prologue” - well, here’s your answer.

Trixie has pushed through those pages, and found that your pre-reader was absolutely correct. Trixie doesn’t doubt for a moment that every error they listed exists somewhere in this work, and in large amounts.

Trixie isn’t an editor, she’s a reviewer. Her time is far too valuable to spend buried neck-deep in some other pony’s mistakes, fixing them left and right. Rather, Trixie would prefer if the poor, misguided foal who handed her the mess fixed it themselves, and learned something from it while they are at it.

Who knows? Maybe they wouldn’t even make the same mistakes again.

So this is where Trixie goes into greater detail. This is where Trixie throws the book at you.

EZN’s writing guide: http://derpy.me/EznGuide
Grammar guide: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/68611394/typing-your-fanfiction_working.pdf

They are both works-in-progress, but will do your writing wonders. Read them, learn them, and then look at what you’ve written. See where you stood before, and know the distance you have to go. Edit it yourself, and become a better writer for it. You won’t regret it.


Dearest author, was that harsh enough for you? Trixie aims to please!


To Trixie’s fellow reviewers: this is why none of you should fear a longer work. It’s not your job to fix it for the author, it’s your job to educate the author so that they may become a better writer.
>> No. 102068
>>102064
No link. No title. Great general advice I guess.
>> No. 102070
File 133680242263.jpg - (1.56MB , 1560x2040 , 173263 - artist-docwario artist-jakelion building eye Trixie.jpg )
102070
>>102064
Review of: End of FiM: Nightfall >>101546

>>102068
You're attempt at mockery is quite amusing, if pointless. The Great and Powerful Trixie's hoof hit the enter key too early and submitted the post before she could do much beyond edit the body.

However, seeing as Trixie has exactly one claim in the queue, she would hope that most viewers would use a little brainpower and figure it out for themselves.

Trixie supposes she should just stop assuming these things.
>> No. 102072
File 133680331926.png - (138.36KB , 477x336 , hypocrisy_dealwithit.png )
102072
>>102068
If you're going to be unhelpful, at least be amusing.
>> No. 102073
File 133680338875.gif - (233.88KB , 500x290 , 133637063746.gif )
102073
>>102070
Oh Trixie, you so silly. At least you posted a review. I'm quite behind on my two.
>> No. 102082
File 133680802455.jpg - (2.41KB , 102x119 , Egoraptorrrsss.jpg )
102082
>>102024

I know I already have other reviews pending, but I kind of already started this one when I needed to point out the word 'seem' in one of my last posts, and this one is pretty short and I can push this out extremely fast. I'm still building my other two reviews. Won't be too long.

First Chapter:

Grammar
>“Thanks for the mail Derpy!”
Remember, 'Thanks for the mail' stands on its own, so add a comma after mail like this. "Thanks for the mail, Derpy!" I'm not very good at telling you what this rule is exactly, but it's something like that.

>Pinkie got some mail today!” The mare sang
This is a dialogue tag, capitalize 'the'

>When Pinkie entered the Cake’s store Mrs. Cake was setting out some cupcakes to cool.
add a comma after store. The preceding line before 'store' is a dependent clause while the latter is independent.

>“Oh hello there Pinkie, I see you got a letter, did we happen to get any mail?”
"Oh, hello there, Pinkie! I see you got a letter; did we happen to get any mail?"

>Pinkie immediately pulls herself together, rushes to the door and opens it all the way.
Oh, hi there sentence that breaks the entire tense of the story. This is present tense while the rest of it is past. Suggestion: Pinkie immediately PULLED herself together, rushing to the door and opening it completely.

There's a few other grammatical mistakes in there, but they're rather small, and I don't want to keep pointing out the dialogue and comma thing. If you just intentilly read back through it you should be able to catch them.

Pacing
it's pretty quick. A little TOO quick. I felt that we could have had more suspence when Pinkie Pie was dreading Strawberry's arrival. It just seemed so quick. Not only that, Pinkie recieves a letter about it, then SUDDENLY Strawberry arrives? Seems a bit unrealistic to me.
Suggestions: Slow it down, obviously. Maybe have Pinkie go about her day a bit more first, then recieve the letter, contemplate it and try to figure out what she's going to do. Have a day or so pass where some other event happens, THEN have Strawberry show up. You need to establish a lot of things during this time: setting, mood, suspension, a little more charectization of Pinkie; all of this needs to happen before Strawberry shows up, which is a critical point in your story. For example, one thing you do is you have her read the letter, then you make her IMMEDIATELY start sobbing.

Plot:
Eh, it's alright. I mean, so far it's basically Pinkie has a cousin and she gets a letter from this OC. It's generic. REALLY generic.

Writing style:
It's alright. Your main problem is that you don't add much description. There's a lot of dialogue that just stands without anything other than a 'she said'. When you DO add description though it's actually quite nice, despite the fact that it's thin.
You also just tell us a lot of things. Example:
>Strawberry is a very vibrant pony, quite similar to Pinkie with her stamina, excitement and love for parties.
This is telling, not showing. SHOW us that she's these things. Maybe have her suggest a party in dialogue or have her dialogue be very long winded. Oh wait, you already did this in Strawberry's previous dialogue! So this line isn't even needed.

Charecterization:
Weak. You have Strawberry just act very much like Pinkie's crazy side, but you don't introduce any depth other than that. I don't care about this character: she's like a Pinkie clone

So let's move onto Chapter two.

Uh.

Uhm.

Ehhhhh.

>Pic

Wait, wait, wait

>“This is gonna be great!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I can introduce you to all my friends, we can camp outside,” Pinkie took a gasp of excitement, “we could have a PARTY!” Pinkie smiled immensely showing her happiness.
So you mean to tell me that everything in the last chapter just... isn't true? Pinkie despises Strawberry. She's tried to take away Pinkie's friends and her letter made Pinkie cry so incredibly hard.

>Pinkie mentioned her friends from school, and Strawberry seamed intrigued, so Pinkie began to tell Strawberry about her two best friends from school. “Well, there are two ponies that I spend the most time with.” Pinkie said, “There’s Billy Gallop, he’s really athletic, one of the fastest runners I’ve ever seen!”
What is the timeframe? Derpy is delivering letters in the first chapter, which made me assume that every character is at the same age that they are in the show. But... you make her look like a school girl... Unless... Unless this is in the past BEFORE the events of chapter 1.

Now I'm truly confused. I'll just suggest you make the time change more apparent. I mean STRESS this.

After that scene you just introduce a bunch of OC's nobody really cares about because they still lack any depth to them. Plus you kind of screw up Pinkie's characterizaion.

>“Does Billy not like me because I don’t run with him?” Pinkie wondered.
Well, I don't think so. Strawberry and 'Billy' (Not a regular pony name, by the way) just raced and were only complimenting each other with just a little statement about Pinkie never wanting to run. That's it. No need to jump to conclusions so easily, OoC Pinkie! (Even though you make conclusions in Party for One, but that took a LOT of time)

>“Wow Strawberry!” Sweet exclaimed, “You’re an amazing singer!” “Why, thank you Sweet.” “I mean, Pinkie is a good singer too, but you’re amazing!”

Most people would automatically call MARY SUE on this. First she's faster than this 'Billy' kid, then she's a master singer even more than Pinkie Pie. She's better at everything is seems. Don't make your OC OP

Overall:
Sorry, Derpity, I don't wish you to be rude, but this needs a complete haul over, if not an entire scrap. This is generic, been played out and you'll usually get turned away by most readers. I wish it didn't seem so harsh, but that's the honest truth.
You have a 1.5/5
>> No. 102088
I originally posted this story in ChowderHead's review thread but after three months of waiting I found out that he quit without saying something. I didn't want to send this story to another reviewer because all of them are specialized in something and I would prefer a general review so that I know where my strenghts and weaknesses are.

1.) The tilte of the story is "The bright Side of Life"

2.) I'm not sure if I tag this correctly but here they are: [Shipping], [Ocassionaly dark]

3.) Synopsis: That life isn't always sugar and rainbows Trixie learned the hard way but after that evening in Ponyville strange nightmares start to hunt her in her sleep and memorys of long forgotten days once again take the stage of her mind's eye. As Trixie's cart dissapeared she has to visit the town she had sworn to never enter again.
Maybe she can find some answers in the streets of Ponyville...

4.) Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lt_z6vqa7_SRU8yfLx-iyt_1j0RE6UNbchNIrFiX8Sg/edit?hl=de

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QfMswkfDIWnVpU3ComoTD3TnLQPvEVtDbQpfrs-7mAs/edit?hl=de

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LYVCvSRx_6NONa1vDCb3CcWLlQsMvZs2jKOhk-HUFnY/edit

Some infos:
-It's a Twixie shipping story
-I'm currently writing the story in my native tongue (german) and afterwards translate it into english. That means, that I've got twice the work, which means that it can take a while, before I can send the next chapter.
-The chapters are getting longer. Chapter one and two count about seven pages, chapter seven counts over twenty pages. All in all they should be between 13 to 18 pages long.

Thanks in advance,

Onk3lM0
>> No. 102091
>>102041

Thanks for putting up with it, Pascoite. Seriously, heroic effort.
I guess it does have a lot of work to go. I'll do another "telling pass" and try to iron those out, paying close attention to those "-ly"s. I wrote the barebones for this chapter at the start of this year, so it's got a lot of my old habits in there which your advice has really improved. And yeah, I technically do have a thesaurus I use, thesaurus.com :P. But I always double check the words with the dictionary side to make sure they mean what I intend. The problem arises when they have multiple meanings, and the one I was after is less common.
Chapter one and two were originally one chapter, so they have a lot of interweaving that was supposed to be self contained (like the yogie thing that is obviously riling you up :| ). And also the reason why some things haven't gotten the explainations they deserve yet. It's probably because I'm taking the story too slowly and not cutting out unimportant bits. Still, if I didn't have those random offshoots in it, I wouldn't enjoy writing it as much. I think I'll take down the comedy tag for now, seeing as I haven't really put it to great use yet. I'll try and earn it back later, though. Just you watch :P.
I know the flashback scene is terrible, I just didn't want to spend a great chunk of the story on it and was trying to just get the backstory set up. But I think I'd better give it a real go. I'll take out the rushed marriage, try to make it more detailed and let the reader fill in the blanks between then and when Fluttershy's Shadow takes place. It should be obvious if Derpy has two kids.
And she's only slightly Trollestia, one facet of her. Unfortunately, I guess it was the most obvious this chapter. Just bare with it for now. I'll hopefully be able to show her in a better light, if not next chapter, then eventually.
Oh, dear. I'm going back through my post and cleaning up comma splices D:. Are you proud? Is this post too telly? I just deleted the explanation mark on the end of that last sentence.
>> No. 102092
>>102064
I appreciate whatever time you spent on this; I know it has a ways to go,and I certainly value the input.

I suppose I'm just disappointed that nopony ever wants to go past the prologue for a more general picture of the story as well.

I guess its back to the drawing board, so just remove this thing. I'll see what I can do.
>> No. 102105
Almost finished with my last review so I may as well claim some more stories. I shall be claiming the following:

>>101673 My Little Old Republic Chapter 5
>>101827 Red Sky
>>101979 Moonlight Sonata

If you don't want me to claim your story because I'm kinda slow, feel free to let me know. I promise not to be offended.
>> No. 102110
File 133683876885.jpg - (88.90KB , 960x960 , 537922_277260269019117_195346210543857_618956_1073422605_n.jpg )
102110
>>102105
HEY, WHY ISN'T MY REVIEW DONE YET? HUH? YOU'RE SO SLOW.

But seriously, thank you very much for looking at it, and take your time. Don't hesitate to point out whatever you can; I'm not afraid to get chewed out.
>> No. 102111
Note sure if I've been forgotten or not, but I'm just going to bump this up...

>>101425
>> No. 102112
>>102111
Nothing gets forgotten. It's in the spreadsheet.
>> No. 102115
Alright. I somehow managed to find free-time over organ class and computer science class to work on the review.

The review can be found here:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1eofIUg5G_LlpoPeHUbWCKJo_gXzdhfwk_J72GM2dKFE

You may want a second opinion. This is my first time reviewing on here, so I may have made a few errors. All my comments are in there. The story is set to view only, so nopony can mess around with it.

This is p0n00b. Signing out!
>> No. 102116
>>102115
Ehmm... just wanted to point out you just posted the story in a different format...
>> No. 102119
>>101310
Thanks for looking at this. I'll think about the advice.
>> No. 102123
File 133684166360.png - (434.39KB , 1773x1887 , wut.png )
102123
>>102082
Thanks much.
Didn't really expect anything positive really, by the time I got to the end of the second chapter I was practically mind set on scraping it, but I thought I might as well get it reviewed before completely restarting.
But after this I can see that a complete re-write would be the best thing to do with the story's current standpoint.
Again, thank you, I respect, welcome, and enjoy your review, you aren't coming off as rude, you're reviewing, which is what I wanted.
Thank you.
>> No. 102130
>>102115

I opened the document, but there's only a copy of the story in there (I don't see any comments, anyway). Did you maybe forget to copy/paste the review?
>> No. 102132
>>101638
>>101639

Review acknowledged.

I will shamelessly admit that this is indeed meant to be a find-and-replace fic from the beginning. I will further say that at the time, it seemed like a good idea. Ah, my young and naive days as a fledgeling fanfic writer.

Bad? Certainly. Could be improved? Perhaps, with a lot of work. Change course now? Probably not.

>A crossover fic should take the setting of the crossover material or ideas from the crossover material.
If only someone told me this before I started. Hehehehehehe. Well, too late for that.

What I can do now (apart from scrapping and starting over) is to slowly pry myself away from the source material as it is. I hope to do this by the time of Mass Effect 2, where any deviation would occur naturally, instead of being forced midway.

Still I appreciate your time as well as the blunt and honest comments (of which I get very little), and will endeavour to make it less painful to slog through at least. I will be addressing your individual comments in the document either through comments or IRC.

(Sorry for the delay. I took a step back from ponies for the past week.)
>> No. 102135
>>102130
Try it now. I'm such a n00b when it comes to gdocs.
>> No. 102136
>>102135

Still nothing : \
>> No. 102138
>>102136
Nngh!

https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1eofIUg5G_LlpoPeHUbWCKJo_gXzdhfwk_J72GM2dKFE

Try this!

How embarrassing...
>> No. 102139
>>102138

Still nothing. You seem to be using an HTML version of g-docs somehow, so maybe you should use the full version.
>> No. 102140
>>102139
I fail at life. Shoot me =(

Can you send me your gmail address? Let me try that way...
>> No. 102141
>>102140

[email protected]
>> No. 102142
>>102141
Try it now.

Please! I hope this works...
>> No. 102143
/>>102115

Thanks for the review; lots of proofreading, I like that. I haven't really decided what to do with the issue of Celestia not putting Twilight through that because of the rogue AI thing, so I'll probably wait for a second opinion before changing that.
>> No. 102144
Once more into the Training Grounds...

Title: First Week of Winter
Tags: Grimdark, Crossover
Synopsis: Twilight and company are sent by Princess Celestia to check up on an old student of hers who hasn’t been heard from in a while. Heading out to a remote part of Equestria, the girls arrive to find an ancient and unknown horror, one that’s just about ready to be unleashed…
Previous Chapters: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/story-first-week-of-winter.html
Chapter needing review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D0NYe2c_Iqg4dprOh26RqUlWp8zN_qV-ajVsq-CILSo/edit
Notes: An ongoing general crossover with John Carpenter's Apocalypse Trilogy.

Looking for the general batch of things in this chapter: does the pacing work at all, do I get too repetitive (I feel like I do, especially towards the end), do the characters just not feel right at all, and so on. I've also been told I go too heavy on the adverbs, and... well, I probably do. Gotta watch that. I was also thinking of adding another chunk of stuff between the break, but that might disrupt the flow too much. Not sure.

Point is, another set of eyes on this would go a long way.

Unlike a past chapter or two, this one doesn't have any real acts of violence, though it does have a few drops of blood. Just a heads up.
>> No. 102146
File 133685470312.png - (219.36KB , 486x661 , 91593 - artist-ponyrake pinkie_pie sick sniffles.png )
102146
>>102025
hey There Knightcommander, I'm currently occupied with your story. However, I'm not feeling well at the moment. I will try to complete your review by tomorrow.
>> No. 102173
>>101883

This is just an update to let you know the changes I've made since you've claimed my fic for review. I expect there are still things wrong with the story, but I've been looking through some of the guides on common amateur mistakes that have been posted on here and I couldn't resist making changes. I'm not saying to look again at any chapters you've already gone through, (although if you want to, go nuts), I'm just saying that this what I've noticed wrong with the story on my own.

-Showing vs Telling. The Prologue and Chapter 1 were the most guilty of this. It annoys me that these two were the worst off in this, as these two chapters have the most views.
-Adverbs. I use them too much. Not on purpose, but after seeing someone else get called out on it in an extreme case, I went through and realized I have too much as well. This is part of Showing vs Telling too, isn't it?
-Scene openers. As you pointed out with the five comma thing (after having you point that out I started counting out how many commas I was using in my sentences), they tend to be long and info dump-ish. I cut down the length of all of them except for Chap 4's, which was already pretty short.

I think the story does a better job showing the scenes and the feelings and reactions of the characters now. Although I completely expect that there are other things that are wrong that I can't see yet. I look forward to hearing about what you've found.

Thanks!
>> No. 102198
>>102173

How dare you improve your writing without permission! UP AGAINST THE WALL!!

In all seriousness, I applaud you. I'm a little cheesed that I may have been reviewing the wrong document (grumble grumble), but your desire for self-improvement more than makes up for it. In any case, here you go.

Here is the overall summary review:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rwho9uNvv15vOACeW8Lmy_Ns7iiUSXhqHPC8PuH0Dd0/edit

And here is the line-by-line commentary:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sl-CokooXMlepjYMYkFhb9keXyFI4tjDmHkerKOmuYg/edit
The LBL only goes halfway through, but it still addresses all the issues I found in the prologue and first chapter.

If you have questions or thoughts feel free to leave comments in the review document. If you leave them in the line by line doc, I will never be able to find them.
>> No. 102199
Title: Journey Beyond the Central Ley Line
Name: mewrei
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe

Synopsis: Equestria is on the brink of a civil war. Desparate, Celestia calls on a rag-tag team of veteran soldiers, adventurers, and her students to fulfill an ancient prophecy and avert the coming storm. Scared and alone, they venture onward, no matter the cost, all of them sacrificing themselves to prevent their loved ones from ever having to know the horrors of war.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24866/Journey-Beyond-the-Central-Ley-Line

Chapters: All

Comments/Requests: Pre-readers at EqD mentioned (a while back, its ungone a lot of revisions since then): Silly premise (Celestia can't trust her own royal guard and calls on these veterans to activate an artifact to guide Celestia's parents back to earth), misuse of military terminology, and lack of background. I've tried to reign all of those in, albeit, the premise, I'm a little unsure as to how to approach changing that. I have developed the background quite a bit since this review was written however. I appreciate any and all comments offered.
>> No. 102206
Tags: Normal

Synopsis: Twilight sparkle has been called to Canterlot for a routine bit of royal business: a university's archeology department needs help with a tricky translation. All very hum-drum for her... but for Rainbow Dash, it's a chance to get an inside view of the exciting and fast-paced world of ancient history! But how much does she really know about the field? A chance meeting with a larger-than-life pony teaches her about the difference between reality and imagination.

This is the Google Docs doc, ripe for editing and commentary:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uCES7Z-pT7hhVBF-yvz_1tYw3U17TERfDPliyj2kS2A/edit

For formatting and display concerns, this is the FimFiction version that was actually reviewed by the EQD pre-reader (only the indentation has been changed since):
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23843/1/Biased-and-Incomplete/Biased-and-Incomplete

This makes this, what... a fourth time through The Training Grounds?

The EQD pre-reader was unusually positive in his response, which is encouraging, but does not change the fact that this story is currently on it's second strike. I have already addressed the issue of formatting (I've used proper tabs instead of "em spaces" for indentation), but I've no idea if anything else has slipped past me.

An additional concern I have is whether the descriptive scenes I've added are too long, and whether or not I should condense the first half of the story. The train station scene, in particular, worries me.

I suppose it would be wise to have a reviewer who hasn't read the story yet. However, my previous reviewers are invited to comment on whether my changes have improved it or not. As is always the case, whatever help I receive will be greatly appreciated.

>Response:

Dear Author:

I don't have access to the previous reviewer's notes, so I'll have to start fresh.
Unfortunately, your story is not ready for posting.

1) Formatting. It's both inconsistent and in some places, missing entirely.
You must have either a VERY noticeable indent (And not just a space or two)
for the beginning of a new paragraph.
2) Punctuation/capitalization. You do this a LOT. Don't.
Correct: "Hi!" she said. "Hi," she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said.
"Hi," She said.
3) Inconsistent spelling. You use both artefact and artifact within a
sentence of each other. Both are correct, but pick one and roll with it.

The core of the story seems quite good! I think with a VERY solid editing
pass, this should be quite solid.

I do think, however, that you should take it to Ponychan and ask for help
with the editing. This is your second strike, and you -really- need it in
shape for the next try. Once you've had it reviewed and are ready to
resubmit, then include a link to the review thread so we can have a look.

Looking forward to your return!

-Pre-reader Grump
>> No. 102212
>>102198

Firstly, thank you.

Secondly, I was a bit worried about going through editing the story when there was an editor already doing so, but I kind of saw it as a challenge to see if I could see the same things that you did. It came out about 50/50.

It wasn't so much that you were taking a long time as it was that I kept noticing my own mistakes and wanted to fix them. Call it a severe case of being my own most severe critic.

As I warned (and you already stated,) some of the things you pointed out I have already changed. Others I had not even seen and will now go through. I will give you a proper response to your feedback when I haven't been drinking alcohol for the past several hours. (Monday at the absolute latest.)

In the meantime from what I'm able to decipher through the haze of inebriation, I can tell I have some work ahead of me to make the overall plot of the story and characters better. I look forward to it.

Also, I will be continuing to release chapters for this story every Wednesday, which I will be requesting for review as they come out. If you would like to continue reviewing my story on a chapterly basis, let me know. Otherwise, I'll just let them be placed in the queue.

Thanks again.
>> No. 102219
>>102212

>I was a bit worried about going through editing the story when there was an editor already doing so, but I kind of saw it as a challenge to see if I could see the same things that you did. It came out about 50/50.
There are some writers who wouldn't even pay attention to 50% of a review they received. So you still came out ahead. :)

>It wasn't so much that you were taking a long time as it was that I kept noticing my own mistakes and wanted to fix them. Call it a severe case of being my own most severe critic.
This is why I ain't even mad: if you are your own most severe critic, you will also be your own best friend. The reviews I do aren't really meant to improve individual stories: I'm actually trying to improve the writer.

>As I warned (and you already stated,) some of the things you pointed out I have already changed. Others I had not even seen and will now go through. I will give you a proper response to your feedback when I haven't been drinking alcohol for the past several hours. (Monday at the absolute latest.)
Feedback is always appreciated. I often worry that my advice is... wonky or lacking.

>In the meantime from what I'm able to decipher through the haze of inebriation, I can tell I have some work ahead of me to make the overall plot of the story and characters better. I look forward to it.
Story and plot are extremely high level issues: changing a plot can involve rewriting entire scenes or chapters. As such, I think you do have an interesting seed here. Even if it's not my usual cup of tea, I wouldn't recommend throwing it out entirely.
I must also stress that I only read a relatively short part of the story... it isn't fair of me to judge character and plot based on the prologue and first chapter alone. I dig into them a bit in the line-by-line, but if the writing improves these issues will be more forgivable. It was mostly a matter of presentation.

>Also, I will be continuing to release chapters for this story every Wednesday, which I will be requesting for review as they come out. If you would like to continue reviewing my story on a chapterly basis, let me know. Otherwise, I'll just let them be placed in the queue.
I've never been an "ongoing reviewer"before, and I'm not sure my skills would be up to the task. Whether or not I continue to serve as a reviewer will depend on how much of my advice you managed to implement effectively.
Though I will admit I am curious about how the story goes. I'd be happy to do a plain read through and provide a review on big picture things instead of a super-dense line-by-line.

>Thanks again.
You're very welcome. Your enthusiasm for improvement is thanks enough... but it's nice to hear. :)
>> No. 102254
File 133689953573.jpg - (21.80KB , 640x480 , Burtman.jpg )
102254
>>100183
Well, finally done! As usual, bear in mind that all of these are but personal opinion. Take as many or as little from this as you wish.

Let's start with what you did well.
1) Your summary, which grabbed my interest so well that I dived in without prior skimming, ignoring the tags;

2) Thunder and Guise, who, while looking suspiciously like Gary Stus (a scarred body and fireburst-for-cutie-mark, convincingly balanced characters do not make), are badass and therefore need more screen time;

3) The idea of an organization or group that changes cutie marks, and probably uses super-dark magic to achieve this, because there's so much intrigue you can exploit from them.

Now for the list of complaints.

My biggest one is with how Kite gets a killing cutie mark. To get a cutie mark, one must realize that said activity is his/her one true special talent. One does NOT acquire a cutie mark by making an accident, which is why I'm not a big fan of "Of Insults", which you may have seen featured. It needs the subject to realize that "this is what I'm good at". In Kite's case, the cutie mark acquisition sort of just happened, naturally, by itself, and the only realization Kite shows is that "it's happening", not the direct "killing is what I'm good at". There's a difference between accidents and talent so amazing that it happens of its own accord.

Now, you did mention something about how killing cutie marks occur if a pony kills before he gets his cutie mark. You will need to elaborate a lot more on this, because the believability of your story - that there's a loophole in reality that causes this, or something - hinges on it.

Mulberry is a flat character. He's frustratingly naive, and possibly deaf, if your descriptions of the parrot singing are anything to go by. My various qualms with Kite are in-doc. You need to make him a more definite character. He broods briefly on his single mother - a deep thought. He wonders about the gates - a random thought. Most of the flying practice scene is about establishing Mulberry, so there's nothing much about Kite. Kite mucks about when teaching Mulberry - either foalish, playful, or just easily distracted. There's a smattering of personality traits which makes Kite something of a blank canvas. The problem with that is Kite's your main character, and his thoughts, actions based on his personality are supposed to be what's driving your story. So far, it feels like Kite is just getting whisked along with events happening to him, and he's just going along with it i.e. his actions aren't significantly influencing the course of the story.

The writing is bland. Flesh out your scenes. Try adding more sensory detail e.g. body language, and more scenery e.g. furniture in the room, colours, objects of note. Not too much, just a bit every few sentences. You need to learn how to use commas in dialogue. I think I've left you a link in the comments to somewhere helpful, but here's a nugget of wisdom from the Samurai regarding this.

Punctuation marks, paragraphs, and all major separations in language have a similar origin: speech. Whenever we speak to someone, the emphasis, the tone, and the lengthening or shortening of phrases, words, or mere onomatopoeias arise naturally from the rate which they are spoken. [...] the control of how actions are perceived by one person or another connects directly to how we organize them in text and the timing between them will be guided by those. [...] It might seem odd that such thing would happen (shouldn’t readers be intelligent enough to figure that there is a pause?) but sadly the reader has only your written queues to know how and what is going to develop.

The first case that comes to mind are the pauses in dialogue. e.g. "“C’mon pick it up, keep flapping!”" - C'mon, pick it up - where there's supposed to be a pause between "C'mon" and "pick it up", there a comma should be.

Kite and Mulberry's age needs to be clarified, so that we can gauge their maturity better.

A lot of your word choices are on the wonky side. Try and use less words ending with "-ly"; show, don't tell (*snrk*). You will use a lot more words to describe something, but the payoff is worth it. Give us details so that we can put the pieces of scenes together for ourselves, rather than just giving us an overarching, general "happily" or "sadly" or even "cried".

Oh, and also: [Dark] won't cut it. Go [Grimdark] for good measure. You have [Slice-of-Life], really fluffy normal events going on - school, homework, la di da, and then suddenly dismembered leering pony head for a cutie mark? The transition needs a lot of work. Tone down the yuck-ness of the cutie mark, or darken the rest of your world (Kite passes by an alley, sees a blind beggar, hint that Cloudsdale is not all smiles and sunshine). It also comes off as really graphic, and that's coming from someone who's written Discord massacring a village with raining scalpels. True, there's shock value in it, but it's not the good kind. Or at least so I reckon.

I've given you enough examples; everything after that line where I say I stop general edits, well, you know what to do.

In conclusion, you have an interesting concept, but weak writing and a vague main character are in your way. This has quite a bit of potential, and I'd love to see you do it justice. Keep writing.
>> No. 102263
Title: Fight Full of Surprises
Name: Karach
Mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Crossover][Random]

Synopsis: When the Elements of Harmony fail to stop the incredible destructive force of yet another foe, will a particular pink earth pony find her inner strength to stand up and fight for her friends' lives (and for the whole Equestria for that matter)?
===
Basically Pinkie Pie does and an epic, dragon-ball-style fight ensues (complete with a friendship-powered Kamehameha).

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24354/Fight-Full-of-Surprises

Chapters I'd like to have reviewed: all (there's only two of them and that's the complete story).

Comments: I would kindly like to ask to have the story reviewed by anyone who is not biased against this kind of crossover. I will gladly hear any remarks about style, grammar, tense misuses, comma splices, story coherence, writing flaws, and generally anything I could do to make the story (and any of my future writing) better.
Thank you in advance for taking your time to read the story.
>> No. 102323
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer, Dublio, speaking and this review is for the story "Five Ponies You'll Meet in Heaven" written by p0n00b. Most of the comments were done in-doc, with many of the For your review, let's go over your systemic tendencies that I noticed you keep doing first. After that, I will address your major issue with showing vs telling, add a random notes section, and finish off with my general impressions.

SYSTEMIC TENDENCIES:

I'm noticing that you keep using lots of exclamation points where a period would work fine. When you overuse them like that, the emphasis for when you really need it has already been diluted, like the parts where you put everything in all caps. Since it's considered a bad thing to put your words in all caps for emphasis (bolding is also frowned upon), you have to be careful where and when you put exclamation points in your dialogue. Otherwise, everypony starts sounding like Pinkie Pie.

You don't seem to use "said" in your dialogue tags that much. The only time you use it is when you use "she said as she verbed" or "she said, adverb". It's a bit repetitive using the same kind of sentence structure every time. "Said" is supposed to be invisible but when you keep saying something else, it distracts the reader and points out the strange word. Here's a good resource that I think can help you with some of the problems I've seen present in your fanfic.

http://mayracalvani.com/2011/08/30/tips-to-write-better-dialogue/

Yeah, it mentions the exclamation mark thing too, if you were wondering. Another recurring element is that there's not much body language or facial expressions in your text. You have a dialogue tag on nearly every piece of dialogue (barely using said) and sometimes I'm not sure what's happening to the characters emotionally. It's a bit like talking heads.

There's no need to caps lock your dialogue as exclamation marks can do the same thing. All caps lock does is make the story look odd and brings the reader out and reminds them that "HEY YOU. YES, YOU. YOU'RE READING A STORY."

You can't start a new paragraph and then use a pronoun, especially when there's a group in the room. That makes the speaker ambiguous, because most people think that a new paragraph means that it's a new speaker. Don't forget that the purpose of speech tags as to identify the speaker. If they don't do that, there is no point for them to exist. Not every piece of dialogue needs a speech tag, ya know. Only enough so that you don't lose track of who is speaking. A good rule of thumb I use is a dialogue tag for every three lines of dialogue. Also, action tags are normally paired with the dialogue of the speaker and can be used in place of dialogue tags.

There's a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in your story, which can get a bit confusing. You have to stick to names and pronouns. If you can't do that, you have to reword the sentence. Be aware that each paragraph should focus on a single idea. When playing with characters, it can get a bit confusing but using descriptor + type of pony will just make it more confusing for the reader. Most of the time, the confusion comes from passive voice in your sentence. It may be okay on occasion to use something else but only if there is no other alternative.

Also, spell out the word "okay." It sounds more like a word and less like texting, plus it's less obtrusive.

I feel like there's a bit of talking head syndrome going on here. The characters are talking to each other but I don't see that much body language, actions, and facial expressions. There's also a telling issue here which is caused by the former. A major cause of that is due to the excessive amount of adverbs that you have in your story. You might want to do a CTRL+F for "ly" in order to find them. You might be surprised by how many you use.

Moving on, I'll talk more about showing vs telling now.

SHOWING VS TELLING:

Showing means indirectly telling your readers about something that's happening. Telling is more direct and less confusing, but readers don't often being like told things. Most of the time, it's better to show, especially during sad stories when you want to engage the reader and make them care about your characters but it isn't a bad thing. There are a few times where telling is preferred over showing. However, you have to know when you're using it. Since telling isn't interesting, you have to use it sparingly. Here is a helpful resource that tells the opposite of what everyone normally says. This article is called "Tell, not Show." No, the title isn't backwards. It's an interesting article, give it a look see.

http://www.coffeehouseforwriters.com/fictionfix/0505Grossack.html

As per my obligation, for another example of showing, not telling, then refer to Ezn's Guide. I recommend reading the entire thing, not just the part of Show, Don't Tell, but that's up to you.

http://derpy.me/EznGuide

CartoonGeld (A fellow reviewer) also provides a valuable resource on the matter. Click on the below link and it will lead to a list of examples of what showing and telling is.

>>89502

Don't want to read those? Here's the short version. Listen to these two sentences and tell me which sounds better.

"Of course I can!" he replied confidently.
He puffed his chest out and looked her in the eye. "Of course I can!"

In this example, the first case is a bad case of telling because we have no idea what makes us think that he's confident. In the second example, his chest puffing and staring her in the eye shows us more body language. This is normally why many people mention adverbs when it comes to adding telling to a sentence. Not all adverbs are bad though. Here's an example (borrowed by Tactical) that shows two sentences, but even though one has an adverb, it shows showing better.

The girl cringed, terrified.
The girl clutched her mother tightly.

If you notice, the second sentence has an adverb, but the first does not. Note the lack of the word "terrified" in the second sentence. Telling the reader that she is terrified is telling, but showing us her body language is not. Here are a few more examples of what you wrote in your story and why it's telling, not showing.

she said, threateningly
she stared sorrowfully
Rainbow said excitedly.
he said impatiently
said Rainbow Dash decisively
said Applejack defiantly.
she asked fearfully
she walked sadly

All of the above examples could have body language or actions added to them instead, which would be showing. The above examples are telling because we're not quite sure what's happening here. Telling us how someone feels detaches us and makes us feel like we're missing something. Instead of sticking an adverb to your speaking verb, try replacing it with an action or physical description instead.

Here are a few examples of sentences that are redundant because they are already implied by dialogue.

she declared triumphantly
Rainbow cried out helplessly
Fluttershy responded enthusiastically
danced around happily
Pinkie Pie said enthusiastically.

You want to use adverbs when they change the typical meaning of a verb. For example, "she cried." If you wanted to say "she cried happily" then it would make more sense to use that adverb there. Of course, it would still be better to just add body language to that as well.

Adverbs are just like passive voice. They have their uses but you need to know what you're doing before you can use them properly. Same goes for when you want to show vs tell and when you want the reader to stay distant from an event vs stay emotionally involved. When done right, showing can be a good thing. There's also a problem with showing too much, which becomes purple prose at some point, but you don't have this problem at the moment, so don't worry about it.

I'm not really sure how else to explain how adverbs aren't good to use all the time, so I will grab some advice from my fellow reviewers. Here's a bit of advice about adverbs from I Post Ponies and Pascoite.

I Post Ponies' Advice

You should go back through your entire fic and everywhere you see an adverb, I want you to go through this thought process:

1. Is this adverb necessary? Do I really need to modify this verb? If no, remove it.

2. If yes to #1: Is there ANY possible way for me to combine this with the verb? (As in, change 'said sharply' to 'bark' or change 'walked urgently' to 'hurried')

3. If no to #2: Is this action possible and feasible? If your character is 'slouching defiantly' or 'sighing inquisitively', you likely have a problem.

4. If yes to #3: look back at #1. Does it still pass that test? Okay, NOW you can keep it.

Pascoite's Advice:

Show me the things that the adverbs are telling by using character actions and better word choice. Careful selection of verbs will go far in reducing the number of adverbs you need to fine-tune your meaning. Adverbs are a crutch for weak verbs and don't do anything except add to the telling in your story.

Another reason to limit your use of adverbs is that it forces a conclusion on the reader. If a character says something "happily," the reader understands, but it doesn't make for much of a mental picture. Place yourself as an observer. How do you know the speaker is happy? You observe his mannerisms, body language, facial expression, posture, etc. If you give the reader the evidence, you can lead him to the conclusion you want, but make a richer experience of it and make him think about the story. It's a more engaging read that way. Such is the essence of showing, and why adverbs are tell-y.

That said, telling has its place. Minor details, exposition, and catching the reader up on past events at the beginning of a scene need not be so showy. Just be sure to ratchet up the showing at critical plot points and when emotions run high.

MISCELLANEOUS NOTES:

>>"We're almost *oof* there!"

You can't interrupt dialogue like that unless you use an em-dash. When you use an em-dash, add a short action and then continue on with the sentence. Should look like this.

"We're almost—" Another pony bumped into Twilight for the forty-sixth time. "—there! It's right on the corner!"

>>Dialogue Attribution Errors

There were some dialogue attribution errors which shouldn't exist here since you had four editors look at your story. There's a nice section on it in Ezn's Guide should you choose to look at it. He really does cover the complicated subject in-depth. Here's another link incase you can't find the other one.

http://derpy.me/EznGuide

I wasn't really sure if it was just a temporary derp or a system error though, so I just mentioned it in the misc section. Still, with four editors...

>Action Scenes

I think your action scenes should be slowed down a bit to show the fact that the mane six are in a desperate situation and that their time is running out. It kinda feels a bit rushed. I also think the description should be fixed up. No, I'm not saying that you should run into a burning building to experience it first hand, but I think that you could touch up your descriptive skills a bit. Here's an exercise from Vimbert that might help.

From Vimbert's Thread:

Find a park. Actually, this doesn't need to be a park, but any place with a fair bit of human activity and a hint of nature will work; I myself did this on my campus quad. Lay down on the grass and close your eyes. Consider: how would you describe your perceptions of your surroundings right now? How could you set a scene without ever saying what something looked like? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you smell?

Consider what you see when you are without sight.

This is not to say that sight isn't important; it's one of our dominant senses. However, a little inclusion of sensory details beyond just what people see can go a long way towards engaging the reader and making everything feel more real.

FINAL IMPRESSIONS:

For all my nitpicking, I did enjoy reading the story so far. I do question why it's a crossover if you're going to write all original stories for each of the mane six though. I'm glad that this story is not a find-and-replace at least. I didn't have any knowledge of the crossover but from what I've seen of the prologue, it didn't matter. Which is good, a good crossover doesn't need any knowledge of the crossover material. I do question the introduction since you outright tell us about the mane six's death and are just bringing us along to see how they died, though. I think it'd be more of a gutpunch if you just didn't tell us until later. Of course, then the story might not have a hook to get readers to start reading in the first place. I'm not really too sure on that. You'll have to ask the next reviewer of his opinion. Anyhoo, don't give up and keep writing. Looking forward to seeing the following chapters pop up here. :)
>> No. 102331
>>102323

Regarding the fact that it's all original stories . That's my doing. the author wanted Fluttershy to have lost an OC lover and Applejack to have been shot in the leg back in pony 'nam. I told him that he magic of the fic would be creating similar stories while sticking close to canon.
>> No. 102337
File 133694110348.gif - (3.58MB , 400x225 , mlfw2882-Rainbow_Dash_light_switch_flip.gif )
102337
>>102146

*sniff, cough, wheeze, gurgle* Okay then… here’s your review.

Doc: http://goo.gl/EgWUm
>Some comments in-doc

Writing:

Show don’t tell

have some copy-paste:totally not stolen from Dublio’s review, nope


Showing means indirectly telling your readers about something that's happening. Telling is more direct and less confusing, but readers don't often being like told things. Most of the time, it's better to show, especially during sad stories when you want to engage the reader and make them care about your characters but it isn't a bad thing. There are a few times where telling is preferred over showing. However, you have to know when you're using it. Since telling isn't interesting, you have to use it sparingly. Here is a helpful resource that tells the opposite of what everyone normally says. This article is called "Tell, not Show." No, the title isn't backwards. It's an interesting article, give it a look see.


http://www.coffeehouseforwriters.com/fictionfix/0505Grossack.html


As per my obligation, for another example of showing, not telling, then refer to Ezn's Guide. I recommend reading the entire thing, not just the part of Show, Don't Tell, but that's up to you.


http://derpy.me/EznGuide


CartoonGeld (A fellow reviewer) also provides a valuable resource on the matter. Click on the below link and it will lead to a list of examples of what showing and telling is.


>>89502


Don't want to read those? Here's the short version. Listen to these two sentences and tell me which sounds better.


"Of course I can!" he replied confidently.
He puffed his chest out and looked her in the eye. "Of course I can!"


In this example, the first case is a bad case of telling because we have no idea what makes us think that he's confident. In the second example, his chest puffing and staring her in the eye shows us more body language. This is normally why many people mention adverbs when it comes to adding telling to a sentence. Not all adverbs are bad though. Here's an example (borrowed by Tactical) that shows two sentences, but even though one has an adverb, it shows showing better.


The girl cringed, terrified.
The girl clutched her mother tightly.


If you notice, the second sentence has an adverb, but the first does not. Note the lack of the word "terrified" in the second sentence. Telling the reader that she is terrified is telling, but showing us her body language is not. Here are a few more examples:

she said, threateningly
she stared sorrowfully
Rainbow said excitedly.
he said impatiently
said Rainbow Dash decisively
said Applejack defiantly.
she asked fearfully
she walked sadly


All of the above examples could have body language or actions added to them instead, which would be showing. The above examples are telling because we're not quite sure what's happening here. Telling us how someone feels detaches us and makes us feel like we're missing something. Instead of sticking an adverb to your speaking verb, try replacing it with an action or physical description instead.


You want to use adverbs when they change the typical meaning of a verb. For example, "she cried." If you wanted to say "she cried happily" then it would make more sense to use that adverb there. Of course, it would still be better to just add body language to that as well.


Adverbs are just like passive voice. They have their uses but you need to know what you're doing before you can use them properly. Same goes for when you want to show vs tell and when you want the reader to stay distant from an event vs stay emotionally involved. When done right, showing can be a good thing. There's also a problem with showing too much, which becomes purple prose at some point.


I'm not really sure how else to explain how adverbs aren't good to use all the time, so I will grab some advice from my fellow reviewers. Here's a bit of advice about adverbs from I Post Ponies and Pascoite.


I Post Ponies' Advice:


You should go back through your entire fic and everywhere you see an adverb, I want you to go through this thought process:


1. Is this adverb necessary? Do I really need to modify this verb? If no, remove it.


2. If yes to #1: Is there ANY possible way for me to combine this with the verb? (As in, change 'said sharply' to 'bark' or change 'walked urgently' to 'hurried')


3. If no to #2: Is this action possible and feasible? If your character is 'slouching defiantly' or 'sighing inquisitively', you likely have a problem.


4. If yes to #3: look back at #1. Does it still pass that test? Okay, NOW you can keep it.


Pascoite's Advice:

Show me the things that the adverbs are telling by using character actions and better word choice. Careful selection of verbs will go far in reducing the number of adverbs you need to fine-tune your meaning. Adverbs are a crutch for weak verbs and don't do anything except add to the telling in your story.


Another reason to limit your use of adverbs is that it forces a conclusion on the reader. If a character says something "happily," the reader understands, but it doesn't make for much of a mental picture. Place yourself as an observer. How do you know the speaker is happy? You observe his mannerisms, body language, facial expression, posture, etc. If you give the reader the evidence, you can lead him to the conclusion you want, but make a richer experience of it and make him think about the story. It's a more engaging read that way. Such is the essence of showing, and why adverbs are tell-y.


That said, telling has its place. Minor details, exposition, and catching the reader up on past events at the beginning of a scene need not be so showy. Just be sure to ratchet up the showing at critical plot points and when emotions run high.

Lavender Unicron syndrome (LUS)

I already know the characters from the show. Meaning: I don’t have to be remembered. I know how Applejack looks, telling me she’s orange and wears a Stetson hat is kinda stating the obvious. Their names work just fine.

Dialogue punctuation.


If dialogue is followed by an action which is a form of said, or similar to it. You use a comma. The word that follows does not get capitalized (proper nouns excluded). However, sometimes your character is shouting or asking a question. You want to make this clear by using the proper punctuation marks for it. This is either the question mark or the exclamation point. You can use them, however, if the above applies, you treat them like commas. In order to show you I have a few examples:


Correct:


>”You will never get me alive!” the stallion shouted as he let himself fall of the building.
>”Who ate my last muffin?” Derpy asked.
>”Well, I escorted him home... as a friend. Don’t give me that look,” Dash said aggravated.
>”Dream on, pretty boy.” She slipped the scarf around his neck, and kicked him out.


Incorrect:


>”You will never get me alive!”The stallion shouted as he let himself fall of the building.
>”Who ate my last muffin”? Derpy asked.
>”Well, I escorted him home... as a friend. Don’t give me that look.” Dash said aggravated.
>”Dream on, pretty boy,she slipped the scarf around his neck, and kicked him out.


Thoughts get italics.


Correct:

>Why doesn’t he like me, she thought.


Incorrect:

>”Why doesn’t he like me,” she thought.


Anyway, sometimes it’s better to weave the characters thoughts into your narration so you don’t actually have to use italics, but that’s just a personal preference.

You also have a tendency to add certain actions to a paragraph that shouldn’t be there. For instance pony X says something followed by an action from pony Y.

>“Pony X’s lines.” Pony Y’s action


>“Pony Y’s line,” pony Y’s dialogue attribute.

It’s better to merge one pony’s actions/dialogue into one paragraph like this:

>“Pony X’s lines.”

>Pony Y’s action. “Pony Y’s lines,” pony Y’s dialogue attribute.

The story Spoilers ahead me thinks.

Sadly I have to agree with the pre-readers. More than half of the Sugarcube Corner scene could be nixxed easily and still the story would be readable. The references towards what I believe is Rainbow Factory, and Cupcakes aren’t necessary. Scoot’s bad dream could also be one of abandonment or something else. The references don’t really add anything.

Furthermore it doesn’t make me enjoy the story. As a person I hate references in stories, same counts for memes. I can’t say I’m not guilty of it but still. Sure you can reference something that has happened before, in your universe, but that’s something entirely different.

And what’s up with the motherly instincts? AJ’s no mother also Rarity isn’t. It might just be me, but it really gave me the creeps. Maybe consider some sisterly bond or something… (I’m probably the only one who thinks this way.

Last point… It’s too short. It has a bad dream (which isn’t actually shown) and a Rainbow Dash that suddenly comes out of nowhere.

Let’s see your story in a few lines:

1. Rarity goes to Sugarcube corner.
2. Some schenigans from pinkie, referencing Cupcakes
3. They all go to Rarity for some reason
4. Scoots falls out of bed because of bad dream
5. Comfort comes in groups
6. Suddenly Rainbow Dash

I think you missed the slice of life tag…

What I would want to see is a something from the beginning that actually states there’s a sleepover. Maybe a valid reason for Rarity to leave the girls alone. A reason for the bad dream. (Maybe a round of spooky stories?). It was a so-so story at the moment, however, maybe some refinement and a bit of polishing here and there it could be a good one-shot.

Now if you feel like it you can always consider a second opinion, however, maybe Google Docs is something you could use. It gives a reviewer the chance to comment in-doc, decreases review time, plus it can be edited everywhere should you find an editor.

Keep writing!
>> No. 102350
Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle questions the origin of Nightmare Moon. She talks about it with Celestia, then Luna and finally gets some answers, but are they acceptable?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21503/Banished-for-a-thousand-years

Comments/requests:
I'd like any criticism to be as detailed as possible. On everything: language, plot, writing, plausibility. I didn't get much constructive feedback so far.
The punctuation of dialogue is completely off, because it's done the german way.
If this proves irritating or even unbearable, please tell me.
>> No. 102358
File 133694850983.png - (340.17KB , 800x426 , super_surprise_by_uc77-d4qkili.png )
102358
>>102263
Oh! I gotta take this one.
>> No. 102360
>>102219

I posted comments on the review, and I've gone through the line-by-line and made changes based off your feedback. When I finish the next chapter on Wednesday, I'll put in another request for the rest of the story to be reviewed by someone.
>> No. 102361
>>102323
About bloody time you put your review up here!

OK! Just messing with you.

I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I posted your reply in a new doc so I don't have to come searching for it here every time.

We've already chatted about this story as you were commenting on it, and I have nothing new to say.
>> No. 102365
(Argh. I'm posting in the wrong spots, I think. Can't quite figure out this forum's format. I apologize I'm double posting.)

Title: Looking Glass, P.I: Coins and Crowns
Author: Kavonde
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Dark (Noir)
Synposis: Fillydelphia private eye Looking Glass is hired by a beautiful new client to find her fiance, Silver Coin. However, the simple missing pony case gets complicated quickly, and the hard-luck gumhoof finds himself embroiled in a plot that could have consequences for all of Equestria.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25875/Looking-Glass%2C-P.I%3A-Coins-and-Crowns
Chapters to Review: All of 'em, if possible.
Comments from EqD Prereader:

Hello, I am Pre-Reader Ω, and I will be taking a look at your story today. Unfortunately, I cannot recommend your story for posting at this time due several issues that prevent it from being up the the Equestria Daily posting standard.

For your benefit, I have compiled a comprehensive, but not necessarily all-inclusive, list of problems I have found with your story:

-Homonym confusion (example: hear instead of here)
-Tense confusion (Simple Past vs. Past Perfect)
-Missing commas
-Cliche phrases
-Awkward phrasings through unnecessary wordiness or obtuse word choice
-Show vs. Tell ( a lot of "she was, it was, I was" and action lacking description or description lacking action)
-Pacing issues
-Tendency to overuse the semicolon
-Spelling

Many of the issues I have with this story either stem from its tendency present the actions in a bland, listing format or with some very obtrusive adverbs tacked on to them. I understand the noire-feel has a lot of interior rambling, and you do make good use of it, but it comes to a point where every unimportant peripheral action is given equal attention in the narrative. The prose needs to be livened up, otherwise the noire-style falls flat.

I do have some issues with how the story is presented, mainly in the aspect of plot consistency. For example, why does Miss Calla come to Glass, a stereotypical down-on-his-luck detective, if she is clearly of wealth and could easily afford a superior service? Where is she concerned about reasonable rates, and how would she know what rates are reasonable? If Glass has dealt with the affluent in the past and is apparently renowned for his talent, how is he still so out of cash that he has to work in a building that is literally rotting? Why does he have a flat rate for any missing person's case? Why are the first two paragraphs of exposition necessary? It flat out tells me the setting's mood for little to no reason and causes the setting to lack a creative power of proper world-building.

This is your first strike out of three. Revise wisely.
>> No. 102378
>>102254

REVIEW ACKNOWLEDGED SUPER EXTREME.

Also... you've never had apple toast? I mean I haven't either because I've never made it but I always thought it was a real thing. Its like banana toast: slices of banana on toast with jam or peanut butter or something underneath.
>> No. 102387
>>102331
Yeah. He hasn't read the story, so he wouldn't have any idea what those are all about.

He was asking if it would still be considered a crossover, even if the stories are all original. The ideas are still the same. I don't know (I say that a lot. I'm going nuts!). What's your take on it?
>> No. 102394
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102394
Alright, let me start by saying that this fic is review is far from over, unless you want it to be over. However, I'm getting really bored with it, so before we go and proof read the crap out of it, I'd like to make sure it's interesting. How you do that is up to you. Maybe you work on the plot a little... I have a serious suspicion that you do not have a solid outline other than: ponies change races. Sorry if you do. I really shouldn't make assumptions like that.

Let's start with your greatest weakness. You write purple prose. In other words, you write way too much detail about everything, and you seem to have a knack for describing the unimportant. You also don't help yourself with the omniscience narration because it just gives you the ability to describe more stuff - stuff that the readers might not care about. For example, it seemed like the entire first half of chapters 1 and 3 had seemingly unimportant information, and all of chapter 2 was just a long explanation of what they changed into. Now, on the upside, I see lots of flashes of great writing sprinkled in there. When all of the elements fall into place your stuff does become pretty engaging. I especially liked the Applejack magical episode. You also have some nice character development at certain points that are very interesting, e.g. the Twilight hair cutting system.

The second thing I'd like to address, and I'm sure you are well aware of this already, is that you lack conflict. You've essentially got one major conflict going on, but outside of that, what really happened? All I can remember is that Twilight bumped her head a few times and Applejack fired off some magical beam. I guess Twilight was a little upset at Rainbow... and Celestia doesn't know what to do. Okay, that's nice, but that's pretty much all that goes on for the last 15k words. I think you need to stop giving the ponies headaches, and start to have them do something. What kind of Twilight Sparkle runs to Celestia at the first sign of trouble anyway? Where in Equestria is Zecora? Pinkie Pie is a pegasus... why isn't cloudsdale burning? You've got an almost limitless concept on your hands, come up with some fun stuff.

Now for what EqD said:
>Gender-specific terms, Comma use, Capitalization, Dialogue punctuation, Unclear phrasing, Hyphen use, Spacing, Use of quotes for emphasis, Tense confusion, Spelling

This list is long, but I don't think your grammar is really THAT bad. Once I stopped being anal about your writing style and just started reading, it flowed pretty good... in an over the top grammary sort of way. Like I said though, the main thing that killed me is the abuse of interrupter commas. Stop that... actually I think you did in the later chapters. I think at this point though, you need someone to give you your second opinion about the plot. Once you've got the actual plot down - and yes I mean the entire thing including every scene and chapter - then you should probably find somebody, better than I, to proof read it for grammar, because it's really a waste when you have someone clean up the grammar only to have it deleted. If you'd like to send that outline to me, that'd be cool.

>The perspective of this story is also unclear and changes at the drop of a hat.
Yup. It's unnecessary and giving you way too much to write about, adding to your purple prose. I think the first thing you need to do though is clean up that PP. Then you can fix the narrative style because so much of that extra narration was done to explain unimportant events. So, again, there's no point in fixing it until that's fixed.

>The use of parenthetical asides (like this one) are both frequent and distracting in this narrative; the story would likely be stronger if most of them were removed.
This style of writing, like I said before, and over and over again, is very distracting, and it, like a piece of glass wedged in my eyeball, is very annoying, too.

>I'm going for a Third Person Omniscient stance
Doesn't that just mean that you can do anything? I think the only goal is to make sure that it's not confusing. I wasn't very confused during this story when it came to perspective. However, if you were ever to trip someone up, it'd probably be because of your use of name tags like "the blue pony" instead of Rainbow Dash. Not to mention, I I think I saw an instance where three paragraphs were about the same pony, and you kept using a personal pronoun. I only noticed this because I got confused. Regardless, it was a PP area, so I didn't tag it.

...There's a lot to say about this and a lot more to discuss. I think you've got a great idea on your hands, but you need to aim your, rather refined, writing abilities at the important things. Right now though, I need your opinion on what you want to do. I'd like to see the outline, and I'd like you to get that second opinion. You should probably try to take this one step at a time right now. Maybe just ask someone to read chapter 1, and then ask them what they thought about my idea of pretty much deleting the first half of it. So get back to me. If you somehow don't have my email address, I put it in the post.
>> No. 102397
>>102387

It's a crossover because it uses the idea of the main character(s) meeting five people who teach them five lessons after their own death. Simple as that. True, it's less of a crossover than something that, say, takes a fantasy or sci-fi setting and makes it 20% more ponyer, but it counts.
>> No. 102401
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102401
>>102378
>pic
Surprisingly, no. I'd think that bananas with toast would be "banana on toast" instead, in the same vein as "cheese on toast", "ham on rye", etc.. It's just that that word felt disjointed, so I questioned its existence.
>> No. 102408
>>102397
That's what I thought.

Did you get my e-mail about the first chapter. If not, I'm still trying to find a good ending point (I'm trying to decide between ending it when they first see the first pony, ending it when he tells them they are dead, or ending it with him saying "this is my story" or something like that). I'd like to work with the second option, but you might know better. Can you enlighten me? Do you want me to stop bugging you?
>> No. 102414
I sent a quick email response the first time you sent me such a message. Did you get that? I'll address the chapter's ending and other nonsense too, but first I need to know that you got my inital comments.
>> No. 102422
Looking over the Active Queue in the link in the Sticky, I can't help but notice that mine (this one >>102144) isn't on it, despite me making the post before some other fics that are on there. Should it be? Or am I supposed to add it on there myself?
>> No. 102428
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102428
>>102422
It means you never filled out the submission form, or (far less likely) someone was a douchebag and completely deleted it from the spreadsheet.

It's for this reason (people not filling out the form) that the folks who keep that spreadsheet up-to-date have to painstakingly trawl the thread for for stories that haven't been entered, checking each story post for a corresponding entry in the sheet. I used to casually blow many hours a week on this very task. So go ahead and enter it now using the submission form, or go use a different thread wait patiently and someone might be kind enough to do it for you.

Sorry if I'm sounding curt. It's just that it takes a lot to keep a communal review thread where anyone can review anything organized, so that there's no overlapping or wasted effort. Hence, the complexity of the whole set-up.
>> No. 102429
>>102414
Yes. Mea Culpa.
>> No. 102430
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102430
[Adventure][Grimdark][Romance]

Synopsis:
The peace between ponies and the dragons comes to a crushing end when they declare war. Several years of diplomacy have failed and the basis of the war remains clouded. Celestia and Luna ask Twilight for a monumental sacrifice to save both sides from greater destruction. When Twilight's mission uncovers a grand manipulation, she begins to stain her soul to free another's who is a victim. While she struggles with her own choices, she must carry the burdens of others. Will she succumb to the temptation of darkness or walk steady with the light?

Links:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M36BKsYZj1evPuUT848cqwx7kCfslCc9lAIR4R2JiYc/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Is0Ey4OLTkBQmE6d-fK5xgUsmdtCGvR-uBwnezyYomM/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14DsZHF19osgF5CxMhU5mEuE1fCgiJJbqDG8B-lVPrWY/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HrDQNL9v_Uy9A3m6KENUU5_Cm5n8L8_Nn-Loo94fCCM/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kBc8-km_aphDOhBHzxUEvAypy7wSkBzxgAC27IIODHQ/edit

Words: 23.4k~

Extra: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1192/The-Quiet-Place
(These chapters are not posted there, but take place before the main story.)

------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a while since I've posted. I've absorbed a lot of advice and this time around I'm submitting chapters completely different from those of last time. Many requested a bit of a prequel to my story to make the characterizations more believable. As a result, this tend to come off as a bit romantic in intent.

Anyway. The synopsis I've posted will most definitely change in the end, but if anyone is familiar with my story already, it would make a bit more sense. Unfortunately, this submission does not include any of the chapters leading into the first major arc.

I would post my old critique, but it was for completely different chapters and an old, less learned style. I really hope I've improved a lot. If the entire thing seems a bit confusing, you could skim some of the main story on FiMFiction.net.

Thank you to anyone who even glances at my story. E-mail if there any problems with links or such. I hope I did this right, I'm a noob with these boards.
>> No. 102431
>>102088

I noticed, that someone asked about the length of the chapters.

Yes, they should be around 7 to 8k but that's an estimated number. The first chapters are much shorter (around 2 to 3k). Might someone be so nice and fill the "words"-field in my post in the active queue? I would do it myself but it seems that I haven't got the rights to edit the document.
>> No. 102439
Dark, Crossover, Adventure, Alternate Universe

After the other five Elements of Harmony are killed by Discord, Applejack uses an old family secret to turn the six Elements into a sword that can hurt Discord. Before she has a chance to use it, he sends her into the future where he will be more powerful. Now she has to find a way back in time to stop him, and maybe save her friends.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25113/Samurai-Applejack

Chapters 1/ 2

Keep in mind the story is a crossover and will become more heavily reliant on Samurai Jack for plot points. It's bascially, what if Samurai Jack took place in Equestria. And yes, I'm aware this kind of story has been attempted before.
>> No. 102449
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102449
You're supposed to enter your story with the submission form. The maintainers used to add entries ourselves when the authors forgot, but then it happened so often that we realized that if you didn't were too lazy to read the sticky or submit it yourself, then why should we slave over your fic for the next six hours for a review for you?

It takes you less than five minutes to fill the submission out. It's not hard.
>> No. 102456
>>102088

Claimed.

Expect a review before the day is over. Going to be plopping your text in another document, though, as all the menus in your stories are German so I can't read any of it.
>> No. 102457
>>102456
Or you could just remove the "?hl=de"s from the URLs.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lt_z6vqa7_SRU8yfLx-iyt_1j0RE6UNbchNIrFiX8Sg/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QfMswkfDIWnVpU3ComoTD3TnLQPvEVtDbQpfrs-7mAs/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LYVCvSRx_6NONa1vDCb3CcWLlQsMvZs2jKOhk-HUFnY/edit
>> No. 102460
>>102428
Duly noted, and apologies on my part. In the past on here I just posted the story and it got a review without the form, but I guess that's not really a good excuse. Filling out the form now.
>> No. 102465
>>102456

Whoa, that was faster then I expected it would be!
I'm looking forward to your review (oh and I know that there might be some... okay, let's say a lot of comma mistakes. I hope there are not too many (grammatical) issues in this story...).
>> No. 102487
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer, Dublio, speaking and this review is for the story "Red Sky" written by MrMusicalPony. I started commenting indoc for the first two pages as a line by line review, but then I realized it would take too long to finish, so I stopped reviewing line by line and just read the rest. Just by the looks of the writing, you have some consistent systemic errors that pop up. However, you have a much greater problem on your hands. It concerns the story premise itself. After reading your first two chapters, I agree with the pre-readers concerns. Later on, I will list each concern and provide a more indepth explanation. For now, let's visit the systemic errors that I've seen in your story thus far.

Systemic Errors

You have dialogue attribution errors here and there. I thought it was an occasional mistake, but you said that you've had three people look at your story. If that's the case, then get better reviewers. It's too much a coincidence in a short span to miss all of those, so I suggest you take a look at Ezn's guide and look underneath the dialogue attribution section more closely. Here's a link for you.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit

Your sentences are telling, vague, or confusing. I marked a few in the beginning of your fic, but after a while I realized the problem was prevalent throughout your entire fic. It's especially confusing when you haven't given them any names as you have lots of pronouns but it's confusing as to who you are referring to. I had to reread many paragraphs because you stuck Scootaloo's dialogue next to Madam's actions, the dialogue tags don't help us identify the speaker at all since you used pronouns, and many times the speaker continues speaking but you put it on a different paragraph. It got so muddled that it was very hard to understand who did what. Even when you told us the names, you overused the pronouns. The only way to fix this is to focus on the important actions of each character. If you have to mention something that one of them does, make sure it's in the same paragraph as their speech.

This is especially bad during the Scootaloo and Madam scene. You have two mares with pronouns for both in the same sentence, so it's confusing as to who is doing what. I can figure it out through context but the longer you make a reader try to solve the problem, the more likely they are to leave.

A lot of your description is very lacking and telly. For some parts, I have no idea what you're trying to tell me. Use less vague or general wording if possible. Watch out for adverbs, because they just add to the telling. I'm pretty sure the moment when Scootaloo finds the clubhouse is supposed to be a touching moment, but I don't really feel that way because you hand me all of her feelings on a silver platter. It's not engaging at all. Also, using the phrase "a single tear" is extremely cliche and trite.

There were many opportunities for showing that you just glossed over. It's a shame because if you want the reader to feel the devastation, you have to describe it more. Normally description of your surroundings is a bad thing, but in the case of the story and the run-down and empty Ponyville, you want to give me a glimpse of something. Scootaloo feels memories as she walks through Ponyville, but what are they? What causes her to think back? You don't mention looking at anything specific, and I can't see inside her head. I'm supposed to feel sad, but I do not. Perhaps showing us a glimpse of the broken down places like Sugarcube Corner could help the reader feel a little bit.

I can't see inside your head. How am I supposed to be emotionally involved if you don't let me see anything? It's like you just went on a trip to Tahiti and took a ton of pictures, came home to show them off, but your flank is blocking most of the pictures. I want to see, darnit!

Your sentences are telly and worded strangely. For example, you outright say that Scootaloo is acting defensive but she does no actions that indicate this. We see no body language, no facial expressions, nothing. All we get is a bunch of lines where you tell me everything. I tried to point out a few examples in doc, but it feels like this problem is everywhere in your text.

Be careful of "started to" or "began to" verbs. It's normally better to make your subjects take direct action and just used the "verb-ed" form instead. Instead of saying "started to walk" then just say "walked." Of course, I think walked is a weak verb that most people stick adverbs on to describe their feelings, but what you want to do is use a stronger verb. An example is a sad walk. What kind of word could you use instead of walk to describe the fact that she's sad? How about trudged or shuffled? Not the best example, but hopefully you get the idea. You tend to have a lot of repetition with word choice as well. Watch out for that.

Present participles imply simultaneous actions. When you have a sentence that says "She verbed, verbing" that implies that it happens at the same time. To fix this, change it to "She verbed and verbed.

Also be aware that you can't put an ellipsis next to a question mark. The only acceptable form of multiple punctuation marks is an interrobang (?!) but those are normally frowned upon too. Whether or not you use interrobangs are subjective though.

Be aware of the reason for having dialogue tags in the first place, which is telling us who spoke. You can't have an isolated piece of dialogue and then say "she said." That tells me absolutely nothing unless she's the only "she" in the room. If the dialogue tag doesn't identify the speaker, you
might as well remove it.

I also thought your confrontation between Scootaloo and Madam was weird. You can't have them randomly talk about story events, especially if they just met. Do you ask someone's whole life story when you find someone breaking into your house? I recommend reading the following link:

http://mayracalvani.com/2011/08/30/tips-to-write-better-dialogue/

There was probably a lot more, but these are the major examples that I've noticed. Now let's start with the pre-reader's concerns.

Pre-Reader Concerns:

Before we begin, I'd just like to say that I agree with all of the pre-reader's concerns. Let's go through them and see why.

>1) Word repetition. You're saying 'She' a lot. In fact, you start three or four paragraphs in a row with this particular pronoun.

Your paragraphs start with "she" for your 3rd, 5th, 6th, and 7th paragraph. The pre-reader mentioned this, he wants you to change some of them to something else. Otherwise, it's repetitive and glaringly obvious. When your story has repetitive sentence structures, it becomes a chore to read. Here are some resources that might help.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/573/01/

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/7-solutions-for-repetitive-sentence-structure/

http://ezinearticles.com/?Writing-Tip:-Repetitive-Word-Choice&id=406576

This doesn't apple only to sentence beginnings. Your word choice is also a factor in your writing. You use basic verbs like "walked" and "looked" a bit too much. You also want to be careful that you don't just add adverbs to your verbs unless it makes sense to modify them. Otherwise you're just making your writing even more telling.

>2) It seems rather... strange... that Scootaloo simply was able to run away and disappear like that. Even assuming 'Scootaloo is an orphan', I can't imagine the Mane Six would let that slide.

What the pre-reader means is that they gave up too easily. Why couldn't they find her? Why would she run away? She really ran away and left behind everypony just because she didn't have a cutie mark? Why did she come back then? It seems way too easy for Scootaloo to have gotten away, to be honest. What if she tried to run away, her friend found her, but Scootaloo managed to convince them that it was for the best? Something like that. This is why I believe starting the story at the aftermath is a bit weird. There's no buildup or feelings leading up to Scootaloo's eventual departure. You just say "Oh, she ran away" and you expect your readers to swallow that. With no build-up, I don't feel like it makes much sense and it kinda stretches my suspension of disbelief.

>3)A stallion just told the Six that the fillies are going to be responsible for fixing things. Everypony seems rather... too calm with it, I suppose? Being told that the fate of all Equestria rests on the hooves of your little sister can't really be all that comprehensible to one who has solved problems as grave as NMM and Discord.

This random stranger appears from nowhere, tells them this random piece of information, and they believe it right away? Like the pre-reader said, the reactions are too mild. Then he starts ranting about the Third and they believe him right away? I believe this scene was kinda bland. I figured they'd either try to deny his words or something. I want to see more of a reaction please. Then you just gloss over the fact that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie have a fate worse than death. Which leads to the next point.

>4) You kinda obliterated Dash and Pinkie Pie rather off-handedly. 'Something bad happened. Their soul shattered, and they're not the Bearers anymore' was about the description we got. That isn't really sufficient when you're talking about our heroines...

Yeah, this won't fly. People love these characters. If you're going to take them out of the picture, you have to show them struggling. Perhaps add a scene where Rainbow Dash and Pinkie are trying to fight against whoever the villain is. Glossing over the scene is not a good practice because the reader is left with too many questions and gaps. The point of chapter one is to interest the reader, not make him want to throw the story down in disgust. Basically what the pre-reader wants is more description as to what happened. Leaving it vague isn't good. I recommend adding a few scenes in there somewhere. I also have a problem with your villain, but I'll mention it later in the review.

>5) Twilight is actively working for the usurper of the throne? I find that REALLY hard to believe.

I thought she escaped? How did she get caught? There are so many story events that you're not telling us and it feels like we have amnesia. Is the story supposed to seem like that? Because if it is, there's no payoff, no struggle. If Twilight is working for the bad guy, there needs to be a good reason. Is she trying to look for the time travel spell so that she can travel to the past to save her friends? Is she only pretending to work for him?

>6) Twilight is working FOR the usurper of the throne that oh so casually slaughtered Rainbow Dash? Ok, now I'm -really- calling OOC on that.

It's hard to tell what Twilight is feeling in this scene because of your telly descriptions, but I feel like she should react more. Shouldn't she try to resist? Is she only pretending to follow his orders? He just "killed" Rainbow Dash and she doesn't feel as if she cares. It feels out of character. This isn't the character I started caring for when I watch the series.

>7) Twilight is bemoaning the lack of a stallion and a desire for foals...? Since when? You're taking quite a few liberties and not really explaining things.

If you want to change canon, you are going to have to do it the hard way and create a convincing enough setup. As it stands, you just put feelings into Twilight's head and that makes it seem out of character. Is this fic an alternate universe? Then I might believe that Twilight could be different, but right now, this isn't the canon Twilight we know.

Final Impressions:

In your story, you assume way too many things and you don't adequately explain others. Perhaps writing scenes that occurred in the past, either flashbacks or perhaps more of what happened to Rainbow Dash or Scootaloo could help. In order to have an emotional impact, you need a setup to the events of the story. These characters don't feel like the same canon characters from the show. And why? It makes sense for Scootaloo since she left for a really long time, but why did she leave in the first place. "I didn't have a cutie mark" doesn't make sense. If you want to leave that in there, there needs to be a flashback of what happened. Was there a confrontation between Scootaloo and friends? If there isn't, there should be. No way they would just give up on her like that.

I also want to see the actual scene written for Rainbow Dash and Pinkie. I don't want it to be vague, there needs to be a glimpse into what happened, something. If you plan to add in the scenes later of what happened, be aware that you need to place a placeholder scene in the beginning chapters that hint at what happened. Why is Twilight doing this? There needs to be more set-up and her reasoning explained, or something.

Your villain is also a Mary Sue. This is otherwise known as a Villain Sue. Here's a link that explains it.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/VillainSue

What does that mean? Well, let's see. He comes along one day out of nowhere, Celestia and Luna magically disappear, he takes over the castle (even though Discord and NMM couldn't), he kills off Rainbow Dash and Pinkie easily (apparently without a fight as you've not shown us this scene), he is somehow controlling Twilight and now he's supposedly all big, bad, and evil just because. All of this happens in a relatively small timeframe too. It also makes me wonder how Ponyville turned into ruins in the matter of a few months as well, but that's a different issue. Back to your villain, he doesn't even fight Twilight. According to you, his shadow/aura/essence thing invades her and then all of a sudden, he steal her element somehow. Just like that, no struggle at all. Also, he can shatter RD and PP's elements (sorta like Discord but permanent) somehow? I'm sorry, but your villain is a Villain Sue.

This is supposed to have an emotional impact on me, but because of the sentence structure and concepts, I'm finding it hard to. Being extremely telling during high emotional peaks is a bad thing, and the fact that your villain conquered everything so easily without a fight is lame. There needs to be a struggle. I want to see the mane six fight for something and lose. Also, shattering RD and PP's elements so that they have a fate worse than death? That's very bad because that makes it sound like there is no hope in your world.

Yea, I get that you're trying to get the CMC to replace the other three missing elements, but I feel like you're going about it the wrong way. I agree with all of the pre-reader's concerns and chances are, many readers are not going to like what you did with RD, PP, or Twilight. I'm also curious as to how Scootaloo has a sword or why she's walking on her hindlegs, but I assumed that would be explained in a latter chapter, possibly in a flashback.

I wish I could explain better, but I kinda think that the concept is a bit bull. My cognitive dissonance while reading this story is way too high atm. It's getting harder to keep my suspension of disbelief. But that's just my opinion. My recommendations are to:

-Rewrite the Madam:Scootaloo scene so that it's less confusing with the pronouns
-Give more body language and facial expressions
-Possibly write a scene of the confrontation between RD/PP and the villain
-Tone down your villain's Sueness
-Give an adequate explanation as to where the Princesses went
-Make Twilight and the others struggle, not just make the villain curbstomp them
-Andddddd everything else that I already mentioned several times above (because I like to repeat myself)

Unfortunately, I don't think I can review this objectively anymore. I recommend that you look at the above section which mentioned systemic errors and take another look through your fic and do your best to fix those errors. Once you're done, get this reviewed again by someone else. I hoped I at least helped a little bit, despite my complaints to the story concept instead. It just left a bad taste in my mouth, and I have a feeling that many other readers will feel the same. Anyhoo, it's up to you.

Don't stop writing. Never give up, never surrender!
>> No. 102488
File 133703223886.jpg - (128.67KB , 894x894 , 5.jpg )
102488
A nice, full review would be nice.

My fic got turned down by the EQD pre-readers primarily for some minor punctuation problems involving period and comma uses, and I also got shot down for containing a scene with over the top violence. I limed that out and fixed some of the grammar, but it would be amazing if someone looked over my fic for me, I would be truly grateful.

Also feel free in giving me some advice also, and any criticism, I'm open to anything really.

Title: Forlorn Hope

Tags: Adventure, Grimdark, horror

Synopsis: Eventually the fic will revolve around eldritch, haunted towns that have been long forgotten in the pages of history. Similar to the ones seen in the Silent Hill series.

Meanwhile, Twilight spends the most of the fic on the run from the Equestrian government after doing questionable actions under the orders of an ethereal 'talking' book containing the imprisoned spirit of an ancient mage a millennia old.

Chapter 1: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25893/1/Forlorn-Hope/Chapter-1%3A-Of-Novels-and-Novel
>> No. 102489
>>102488

My email is [email protected] if any would rather send me a PM over there.
>> No. 102491
File 133703451804.gif - (52.21KB , 360x360 , Twilight-clap.gif )
102491
>>102487
Oi, that's a blast to the ol' self esteem, but it was expected. Thank you so much for the review. All of this looks like a complete revision of the way the story is portrayed. I wanted to keep explanations of things for later chapters, have the reader learn what happened as they progress through the story, but I agree that the amount of explanation I give just isn't enough if any at all. I was concerned about Infra Black's overall character and I knew he came off too strong, but I didn't really know how to fix it at the time. That's still something I'll have to work on. Thank you for all of the other things you mentioned.

Would you be willing to review it again once I have it revised? I like the way you review and I would like to see this again. I haven't even been able to look at the document yet and already I see a lot of things I have to change.

I just hope it wasn't Jake: A ha ha ha ha ha (Can't get on youtube atm) worthy, cause that would be really bad. Lol
>> No. 102504
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102504
Tags: [Adventure][Comedy]

Synopsis:
Four unlikely heroes are fated to save equestria from devolving into civil war and, ultimately, chaos. But who is right? Who is wrong? Are they just too high for this shit? We'll just see how the events play out...

Links:
Prologue: Zero One, Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_aHGKrEhYeaKnHw9tSFOqa0TMpdxWW2JLshX_R2kRz0/edit
Origins: Phantom, Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HeIQDbD9gVazBkaFWOu04TPGSplZ5O_-VGfNnh5gTvM/edit
Origins: Phantom, Chapter 2
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pwqfhhc6nUD4FrfM6jrcBWdD-D1IOp9TW5ZG7JYZC0M/edit

Comments/Requests:
I have not submitted this to EqD, or FimFiction. This work is a collaboration between myself (dark magshin), canineKiba, and pawndidater2. The Delinquent Ponies alias and the related email address and tripcode are shared between the three of us. We are all pretty new to writing fanfiction, but I've spent about a month or so working on these three parts, all the while trying my best to sharpen my writing skills. The other collaborators are currently working on cover art, but they have started the first drafts of their chapters. The picture is a (very) rough peice of cover art Pawndidater2 is currently working on.

I've gotten to the point where I don't think my friends and I can do any more effective editing on these chapters. I'd like feedback on just about anything. I think I'm good on spelling/grammar, but of course I could be wrong. Story premise and character development are the areas in which I would most like a critique.

I've made it so that anyone with the link can comment on the docs. I love comments on specific parts, all highlighted and stuff. It makes the editing process so much easier. Also feel free to use the email to contact us with questions, critiques, or general comments. It is a bit easier to check an email inbox rather than a large imageboard thread sometimes.
>> No. 102542
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102542
Bah, ignore my review. Things can look really half assed after chugging a shot or two.

I'll clean up my act on a later date.
>> No. 102545
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102545
>>100285
>>101239
I am very ashamed to say that I have failed in my promise to review both of your fics. Despite the fact that I HAVE indeed started them, I am going out of town for an undetermined amount of time, and I don't wish to waste any more of yours. I request that these two fics be put back into the queue. Any reviewer is free to take these. Maybe they'll still be here when I get back.

Again, I deeply apologize. Only about 5 reviews in an I already have failed.
>> No. 102546
>>102545
You serve people well and did good at the best of your ability. If that is failure, then we have all failed.

Come back when you are ready, I'm sure everyone will be waiting with open hands, I am quite certain I will be.
>> No. 102549
>>102545

It's okay, I understand. I just hope I can find a good reviewer who's open-minded enough to read my HiE fic.
>> No. 102550
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102550
>>102549
Those are hard to come by, but even if one doesn't come your way I will have a review for you when I return. When that will be I have no idea. Hopefully not longer than a week.
>>102546
Thank you.

>Gif describing me most of this week.
>> No. 102559
>>102550

I hope you come back. You seem to have some really deep thoughts on writing and Ponies. Even if somepony else does the review, I'd still be thrilled to hear yours.
>> No. 102566
>>102550
Now it is fact, you remind me to sam anon too much.
>> No. 102576
>>102549

I'm feeling bored and productive. And this looks interesting.

So, I'm picking up the claim on "Brony". >>101239
>> No. 102591
>>102088

I said this would be done last night, but I didn't have time. Sorry. Anyway, here's the review for The Bright Side of Life:

As with all writers, you have a big problem with Showing vs. Telling. There were a couple of lines that were just plain cringe worthy, for example:

"She was following the winding road for quite a while now and was pretty sure that she was lost."

That is it's own paragraph.

That is very heavily telling. All you're doing is telling the reader "hey, she's lost." That is boring to read. Give us more description. There are a dozen ways you can give the reader the idea that she is lost without just outright saying "she's lost" - and all of them are much more interesting, too.

Paragraphs. You really, really need to learn how these are used. You honestly seem to just randomly spatter paragraphs around with no thought into how they actually work. You can have more than one sentence in a paragraph.

I understand that German is your first language, so I'm not going to be too mean about the grammar issues. But I do highly, highly suggest that you look up and read about how paragraphs work in English, because it's apparent that you really don't know.

Again, this is because of English being a second language, but you try to use a lot of words in places they don't fit. Examples include "Trixie thought desperate," "cracked disastrous," etc. This is hard to correct for a non-native speaker, because I'm sure these things sound fine to you, but a regular reader is going to notice. Best cure for this is find a regular editor who doesn't mind helping out.

All that being said, for whatever reason, you do a lot better with the above issues in chapter 3. I don't know if you got a pre-reader for the last chapter or what, but your paragraphs are better (still not good, but better), as is your use of incorrect words. Descriptions are more fleshed out, dialogue is a bit more fluid - I don't know what you changed in Chapter 3 to make things work better, but keep doing it, whatever it is.

Your progress in Chapter 3 shows that you are definitely learning, even before this review, and that's great!

Anywho, moving along. The story:

I don't like how there's a bunch of flashbacks that have (seemingly) nothing to do with the story. Perhaps these things will be plot devices later in the story - but having Trixie randomly just start to bawl her eyes out under a tree while she thinks about her parents arguing and her dad leaving just made me roll my eyes. "I have daddy issues" is an extremely over played plot device, especially in the pony fandom where so many characters have never had their parents appear in show. It's been done a million times.

Especially with Trixie. "Sad Trixie comes back to Ponyville and boinks Twilight" has been done a billion times.

Chapter 3 really drives the drama up for no reason. She meets Twilight and is suddenly just spilling the beans on everything, and apparently Trixie accidently killed her father because she was practicing fire magic? I don't know, it just seems... really, really overdramatic.

Now, of course, that is my opinion, and changing that would require almost an entire rewrite. I understand that, but I am giving my honest advice - drop the "Trixie is sad' parts. Later on in Chapter 3, you reveal that Trixie is in Ponyville because she was sent there by Luna. That is fantastic! You have a storyline, you DON'T NEED your three scenes of Trixie being sad and flashing back to daddy issues.

Of course, it's up to you. But I honestly think dropping the Sad Trixie part would improve the story. Develop the "Luna sent me here" plot more.

That being said, I'd mention the shipping, but, well... it hasn't really happened. There is no shipping. Twilight just suddenly feels bad for Trixie and tries to help her, which I don't feel is appropriate either, but that's besides the point. I'd give advice, but since I have no idea how you intend to do the shipping, I can't.

Anywho! That's my review. Work on your grammar, and highly consider not making Trixie so depressing.

G.docs line by line comments can be found here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-pm0MNIPVMbuXigrns-c1LXhKyuEiAqZFfIYSu_3Gbk/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zJp7kgvXvgqbZ_NzUk8msD_76xDbIFFjEkeyEIdt7cg/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XFkm_UHwFJGpQ_ee695Ikic0NDSpISojVwvKAx5YO1I/edit

As always, if you have any questions, feel free to reply here or e-mail me at [email protected]! I don't mind helping out.
>> No. 102592
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102592
>>102504
I'll take this.
>> No. 102593
>>102591

Thanks for the help!
Now, let my try to explain some things:

1.) The flashbacks have to do with the story! I know that the whole "oh my family is broken I'm so depressed!" thing is overdone and so I decided to NOT use it. I just said that Trixie's parents devorced and no, her father didn't die! Actually he plays a role later on (in the 7th chapter).

2.) Trixie won't be depressed through the story. Actually I think she is only sad in the... first three chapters, hehe ^^"

3.) I'm writing for nearly seven months now on this story and I know about show vs. tell. I learned to use more bodylanguage etc. to show emotions (instead of just say that she is angry, sad, whatever). If I remember correct Split Infinite helped me with the first two chapters (or maybe also with the third).

4.) It's kinda emberassing to say since you think that the idea is so good but... Trixie isn't send by Luna. It was an excuse for her being in Ponyville (quote: "She had already thought of an excuse and started to tell with an self-indulgent voice:
“Trixie is on behalf of Princess Luna back here[...]"). She is there because someone took her cart (since it's the only thing that she has she want's it back).

5.) Nope, no shipping. There will be shipping but the whole story would be badly written if I just couple then in the second chapter. It takes time to develope Trixie's character from selfimportant and "bitchy" to a nicer person.

6.) The plot is build around her nightmares and the relation between her, Twilight and Twilight's friends.
Trixie is alone after all and throughout the story she realizes that friends might be not so bad after all.
There is are chapters for the mane 6 in which Trixie learns from them. For example she babysitts the whole Cake family with Pinkie because Pumpkin turned her parents into babys.


So I've got some questions:

If the sad parts are boring to read but play a role for the story how could I implement them without making it too boring? I thought about several scenes and storyelements with her parents but literally EVERY SINGE ONE is a klichee! Ran away because she hates her parents? Overdone!
Ran away because her new stepfather is evil! Overdone²!
Ran away because she lost her father/mother? Overdone³! (Also this is the reason why I wrote that her father just got injured not killed in by the flames).

How should Trixie react to Twilight? I thought it would be natural for her to be angry and not amused since she ran away in shame etc.

Do you know a editor or someone who would proofread my story? I try to make it sound natural but I can imagine that some word constructions may sound awkward for a native speaker.

Thanks again for the review! I think the first few chapters are the ones I've got the biggest problems with and I think I might be able now to make them better!

Also after reading the chapters again now they are REALLY telly. There is a huge difference between the newer chapters and these... at least I hope so.
>> No. 102596
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer Dublio speaking and this review is for the story "Moonlight Sonata" written by Lynked. As of this post, I have read the first three chapters. Since your post was on fimfiction, I did my best with copy and paste. This is a preliminary review, and I hope that I have provided enough information for you. If you have any questions or concerns, or you just want more information, then don't hesitate to ask me, as I have plenty more where this came from. Anyhoo, let's get started.

I've noticed that there are consistent problems throughout your fic with ellipses, comma usage, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) and Showing/Telling problems. I added a misc section at the end with a few small, easily correctable errors as well. Your major glaring problems are those ellipsis lacking a space after them, your pretty much near-constant use of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, and some problems with Showing vs Telling. I'll start with explaining what LUS is, then I'll discuss the rest.

LAVENDER UNICORN SYNDROME(LUS)

Here's a quote from a fellow reviewer named Vanner. He'll explain it for you.

Quote from Vanner:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

[endquote]

Why is this a bad thing, you ask? Because it's confusing, gawdy, and every second that you make a reader have to think back and remember who was what is a second that they're closer to getting pulled out of the story. Don't know what constitutes as LUS? Here are some examples from your fic.

The DJ
The harpist
The mint pony
The white mare
The green unicorn
The cellist
The green mare
The mare
The cream pony

It's in your story and it happens quite a lot, which sometimes makes it harder to keep track of who's doing what. I would recommend rewriting these sentences. Just so you know, you're allowed to use somepony's name more than one in a paragraph. The only way LUS is allowed is when there's no other way and then, only rarely. For example, if you see a character but you haven't introduced their name yet (and the character doesn't know them either), then it's alright.

ELLIPSES USAGE:

>"Well...I was chosen by the cruise company.

Ellipses require a space after them. The problem is that for most of the ellipses that are in your story, they all have no spaces. In order to find these, you are going to have to use Ctrl+F to find all of these suckers.

>Using ellipses in narrative

Using ellipses in narrative is normally frowned upon. Normally, if you want to keep the same impact of a pause, use a comma or a dash instead.

>Overuse

I think you're overusing the ellipses. Many times, you use them when a period, comma, or exclamation point can go instead. Be aware when and where you're using ellipses, or the impact of each one will be lessened and thus when you really need it, the reader will like "ugh." I would recommend looking at each ellipsis and asking yourself if it really belongs there. If so, think about an alternate. The more ellipses you have clogging your story, the more it seems unnecessarily bogged down.

MISSING COMMAS:

Here are some examples of missing commas in your story spread throughout your first three chapters.

>"You too sir."

You too, sir.

>Instead she just nodded and stayed silent.

Instead, she just nodded and stayed silent.

>On more than a few occasions Vinyl had struck a pony that was agitating her.
On more than a few occasions, Vinyl

>With a hoof she pointed to Octavia.
With a hoof, she pointed

>Chivalrously Vinyl pulled
Chivalrously, Vinyl pulled

>Yes well...
Yes, well...

There are even more examples of missing commas sitting throughout your text. I recommended taking a look at this guide and checking your earlier chapters over again.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02

If you don't want to do that, consider making a copy of your story, throwing it in Gdocs (don't forget to allow permissions and sharing), submit to the Training Grounds one chapter at a time, and ask for a line by line review. That way, the reviewers can add comments and point out exactly you're missing those commas. Gdocs is a easier medium for doing line by lines on and submitting one chapter at a time ensues that we can finish your story in a timely manner.

MISC. NOTES:

>pop tart

poptart is one word.

>"Ah yes," Lyra picked up," the schedule!

You can't really leave it off like that. The sentence in the middle is just a fragment. Consider adding "Lyra picked up a piece of paper" instead.

>"And I'm very happy for you, Lyra," she politely smiled back.

This is incorrect. Smiled is not a speaking verb. Also, I'm not sure who "she" is referring to because there are multiple mares in the room. So it should look like this:

"And I'm very happy for you, Lyra." Octavia politely smiled back.

>She said she'd be back before dinner, so I'm holding her too it.

holding her to it

>Places where there should be em-dashes, not dashes

Here's an example:

"But that guy-"

You want this guy, basically. "—"

>>Inner thoughts

Some of these inner thoughts sound that they need to be in italics, which is customary for inside thoughts. But I'm not really sure if you're trying to go for direct thoughts or indirect thoughts, so... yeah.

SHOW VS TELL PROBLEMS

Examples of where showing vs telling problems happen in your story:

When interacting with one another, I would like to see more facial expressions and body language.

Vinyl's entire alcoholic flashback when you briefly gloss over the events of her past like her meeting with Octavia, their first kiss, their moving in together, and then their breakup. If you want to establish an emotional impact with the reader, then slow down and actually write those scenes out. It's hard to feel when you simply just say "I remember when we did this, this, and this."

You also outright tell us how the characters are feeling sometimes instead of letting us see for ourselves. Showing is indirectly telling a reader what happened, but telling is direct and outright. She is sad vs She tried to hold back the tears. I think a lot of it is the fact that the narrative tells us how the characters are feeling by use of indirect thoughts, hence my confusion.

>Finding this place to be rather boring, she pranced back inside.

Lots of lines like these make it into your narrative, so now the reader knows exactly what the characters feel, but it's less engaging when you do that.

Instead of continuing to rant on about showing vs telling, I will just link some important resources. After all, many of the other reviews in this thread also have information about showing vs telling. All you need to do is use CTRL+F and search for "telling." Anyhoo, here you go. Check out CartoonGeld's ponychan post and Ezn's Guide. You'll find that they're both helpful.

CartoonGeld's Post on Showing vs Telling

>>89502

Ezn's Guide (Scroll down to the showing vs telling section):

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit?hl=en_US

Interesting Internet Article: Tell, Don't Show:

http://www.coffeehouseforwriters.com/fictionfix/0505Grossack.html

Another interesting article:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ThatMakesMeFeelAngry

FINAL IMPRESSIONS:

I recommended getting another review, but this time ask for a line by line one. There are many numerous errors that pop up in your first few chapters that only a line by line review can get. The only problem is that since it's hosted in fimfiction, it's harder to do so unless the reviewer copies and pastes the lines, like I shall do later. Also, if you resubmit, make sure that you do so in smaller chunks. The best you can get with a 53k fic at once is a general review, or it'd take a month to line by line the sucker.

I only read the first three chapters, but I'm interested enough to find out what happens next, so I will keep reading. The only reason I have stopped the review at this point is because in my experience, once reviewers find certain errors, they tend to pop up for the rest of their fic. From what I've found in the first three chapters, the same thing applies to them. Missing commas, missing the space after ellipsis as well as overuse, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, and Showing/Telling problems. If you're interested in knowing if I find out anything more after I read your fic or you wish to ask me some questions, feel free to email me. My email is in my name.

I'm going to keep reading the story since I'm liking it so far. If you want me to keep going with your review or give more examples, ask me to when you acknowledge this review. If you don't, I will just assume that you don't care anymore.

Anyhoo, as always, keep writing!
>> No. 102597
>>102593

>I learned to use more bodylanguage etc. to show emotions (instead of just say that she is angry, sad, whatever).

Definitely, and I see that in the third chapter. Your third chapter was far better than the first two, so keep it up. You are improving, already.

>Trixie isn't send by Luna.

Oh. Perhaps you should clarify that a bit better in the story, then. I genuinely did not think that she was just making that up to appease Twilight - I thought it was serious.

>If the sad parts are boring to read but play a role for the story how could I implement them without making it too boring?

They aren't boring - the problem is you did them too often. In the first three chapters there's, I think, four flashbacks? Four! That's a lot, especially when they all come out of pretty much nowhere.

There's nothing wrong with characters being sad, as long as you recognize it as cliche (which you do) and are okay with responses regarding that. The issue is that you're hammering this idea that she's sad so often that there's no other story coming through - just Trixie being depressing and wallowing around.

>How should Trixie react to Twilight?

Well, that's fine. I was more put off by Twilight's reaction to Trixie.

Keep in mind that Trixie's antics in Boast Busters very nearly KILLED ponies. Ponies, including Twilight's friends and Twilight herself, could have very easily died.

Really, I'd think that Twilight, even as nice as she is, would be trying to throw Trixie out of Ponyville.

Can you tell I'm not a Twixie fan? Haha.

But! I get that it's a shipping story - so something's gotta budge. Obviously, if we were going to play them out 100% canonically, they would be pretty incompatable with each other with the way things ended in Boast Busters. So, when it comes to shipping, I don't mind a smidge of OOCness creeping through to make the paring work.

Just don't overdo it.

>Do you know a editor or someone who would proofread my story?

Honestly, I don't. I don't write a whole lot my self, and I publicly post even less.
>> No. 102604
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102604
>>102504
>fifty bit note

You're going to change this into an original story and sell it, aren't you?

There's really nothing that ties this to canon.

This isn't my review though. I'll still finish it.
>> No. 102627
Right I'm now ready (and sober) enough to request this review. A full one would be appreciated.

Title: Forlorn Hope

Tags: Adventure, Grimdark, horror

Synopsis: Following the classic tales of might and magic, Twilight herself finds a 'talking' book whom swears that he is a mage imprisoned in its very pages.

Over the course of time the two earn each other's trust. Which would lead to everypony's downfall when the entrusted mage sways Twilight in a plot to steal the elements of harmony. This turn of events throws one innocent mare, and one not too innocent pony into a hell like town called Riviera.

Facing the punishment of treason, Twilight must run from the very ponies she loved in order to find the truth behind the Elements of Harmony.

Chapter 1: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25893/1/Forlorn-Hope/Chapter-1%3A-Of-Novels-and-Novel

----

I had submitted my fic to the EQD pre-readers, only of course to have it turned down. The criticism was not too harsh, mostly focusing on some minor grammar mistakes relating to commas.

Here's a gist of what the pre-reader wrote.

1.) Tense Shifting.
2.) Thesaurus Syndrome (Overuse of pretentious descriptors)
3.) Punctuation issues (Keep an eye out for commas that are illy-replacing periods and vice verca.)
4. Over the top gore. (I was surprised by this, but I limed down some of the scenes.)

I also would like to mention that this was my first fic. I've considered writing one a year ago but I really only became an inspiring fic writer just barely a month ago. So yeah, finding anything else that the EQD pre-reader did not mention would be fantastic.
>> No. 102629
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102629
>>102504
I take it back, you definitely aren't going to change this into an original story.

I put some comments in your docs. But here's a tl; dr.

Your characters are all cardboard-cutout Gary Stus. They don't have to work for anything, it's all just given to them on a silver platter. I don't even know their genders. They don't even feel like ponies, the only thing telling me that they were was their blank-flanks.

Your plot is unbelievable, partially because your characters don't have to work for anything.

You completely ignore the fact that this takes place in Equestria, with you characters using cellphones and lighters.

And lastly, having Spike do pot is just plain wrong. You even acknowledge that he's a child.

This is almost as bad as A Special Mare. There is nothing you can do to fix it. Torch it and run.
>> No. 102652
>>102629
uh, thanks. yeah that's a blow to the self-esteem but i'll take it. you're right. I guess i kept on with it because all my friends told me it was good, which is clearly nothing to go on. I've seen fics that used tech like cell phones and such to a good effect, to be fair, but clearly that wasn't mine.

yeah maybe i'll try my hand at writing something else. if the paper hasn't gotten a restraining order on my pen that is.
>> No. 102655
>>102652
That part wouldn't have been as bad if you had used the [sci-fi] tag.

Maybe you could write a fic about Twilight and her friends discovering cell-phones, and go on from there.
>> No. 102658
>>102655
>>102652


I haven't even read what's going on here, but I need to interject.

Write about juvenile delinquency if you want to. Write about drug use if you want to. Write about Spike being a juvenile delinquent who does drugs if you want to; he shows signs of maybe growing into a "teenage" personality before too long, and yours can be the fic to explore that.

Do not shy away from questionable content if it's what's in your heart. My favorite fanfic of all time is a futa clopfic.

That said, judging by the technical errors found throughout the post you just wrote, you've got a long way to go before you're ready to write any kinda challenging material.
>> No. 102659
File 133712951811.png - (10.09KB , 254x254 , 1333628469556.png )
102659
>>102658
Sweet Celestia, don't take what I write in my posts as how I write in my stories. I don't spend any time looking over my posts for grammar or anything. I just kinda write my posts like I would on an IM. Writing stories is completely different. My phone is already blowing up because I told the collaborators I would be scrapping it, and I showed them AzuNyan's comments. Well, that's more of my own problem anyway
>> No. 102660
>>102659

If I can, I'll give you a review sometime, because *apparently* I'm made of tougher stuff than Azu when it comes to content, Mary Sues, and weird versions of Equestria.

You are aware that the idea of "juvenile delinquents" is, by its nature, one of those things that is going to break show-canon, either humorously or melodramatically or both, right? I feel like Azu's comments (except maybe the one about mary sues) don't necessarily preclude your story having something worth working on.
>> No. 102662
File 133713060672.gif - (217.70KB , 500x500 , Ponyshrug.gif )
102662
>>102660
I (and my collaborators) would be grateful. I'll be leaving the docs up so you can comment on the same one Azu commented on if you wish. I was, really, looking for comments on character and story development, like I said in my original post.

We were even considering adding the [Alternate Universe] tag for the very reason of its canon-breaking. I was afraid of the characters coming off as Pony Sues, which is one of the reasons I sought critique in the first place. I took care to try to make them as human (well, pony) as possible. Oh, and just for the record, Phantom is meant to be a bit of a spoiled prick. I think I probably should have fleshed Zero out more, and maybe Phantom, too. The reason I shied from that on Zero was because it was the prologue and I was using it to foreshadow the plot. It is kind of hard to give descriptions of OCs without making it awkward or boring to read, as I think Azu pointed out with the description of Phantom's mom.

For clarifications purposes, I repeated High Canterlot to imply that it wasn't the only district in Canterlot. There are, in fact, some [Random] elements like the liberties I took with Luna's character in Phantom, Chapter 2 (hey, we thought it was funny =/)

TL ; DR
Thanks for giving my story a shot, I hope it ends up being worth writing.
>> No. 102663
>>102658
>>102660
No, you misunderstand.

My main complaint was that his character were not ponies. They were cardboard cutouts so that he and his friends could hang out with Luna.

And it's fine if you want to write something like that, just don't post it here. Post it to the proofreading thread and then to FimFic.

>>102659
You've been very polite about all this; I look forward to reviewing your next work.
>> No. 102669
File 133713397012.jpg - (34.76KB , 454x345 , tumblr_li7yylyQOw1qafrh6.jpg )
102669
>>102663
Thank you. I guess there has been some misunderstanding. This was supposed to be a large project. These are only three of around ten planned chapters. I wanted to get the story on 'stable ground' so to speak, before we undertook the large portion of it. I was very inspired by the way Cards Lafter managed to create an epic story, and still add comic relief in between.

Ponychan has been very nice to me. I never would have expected constructive criticism from not one, but TWO experienced reviewers! Maybe there is hope for my fanfiction yet. (well, maybe not this one, if Azu is correct.) I might continue with this one anyway, even if the best it can be is a little more than 'meh' I don't think we could live with ourselves if we didn't see this project through. (okay, that's a bit dramatic, but yeah, it would sting)

Again, thanks Azn and Tactical for giving our work your time.
>> No. 102672
File 133713461791.png - (127.90KB , 1100x800 , Bon Bon131699422918.png )
102672
>>102669
You could turn your story into a good fanfic. You just have to rewrite the second half of the prologue and everything afterwards.

If it makes you feel any better, I have to rewrite large portions of my fics too.

I could give you some pointers on how to make your characters more 'pony'.

Starting with:
http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CharacterizationTropes
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Characters
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CharacterDepth

Let me know if you want any more help.
>> No. 102676
File 133713504474.png - (102.83KB , 800x595 , 129982932679.png )
102676
>>102672
Thanks again, I'll save those links so that I can study them on my off-time. I'll forward them to the collaborators too. I think that this would be a good time to step back, take a break, and work on finals. Next week, I'll start working on the rewrite. It'll be painful, I think, but I want to put my all into this and make it the best it can be. Not only that, but I want to become a better writer in the end. Of course I will be taking your comments and Tactical's comments and keeping them in mind with the rewrite.

Thanks again
>> No. 102678
File 133713517778.gif - (94.29KB , 500x270 , im_sooooooo_lazy_i_made_a__gif_by_flamingnoka-d4glsfk.gif )
102678
>>102676
whoops, said thanks twice. Ain't I a kiss-ass?
>> No. 102682
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer Dublio speaking and this review is for the story "My Little Old Republic" written by Aidan Maxwell. I will be reviewing chapter 5, but I did go back and read chapters 1-4 just to get an idea of what was happening in the story. The only major problems I could find was the nearly constant use of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome and confusing action scenes/pacing.

Many of the fixes were suggested indoc and since you learn fast, I won't repeat them here. Pertaining to your story directly would just be the characterizations. We already know what Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is and you already understand it, so let's just skip that part. If it makes you feel better, the action scenes in this chapter were significantly less confusing to read through. Once you remove a lot of the LUS, that takes away a lot of the confusion. It's alright to use it once or twice, but not as frequently as you have done so far.

I think that the characterizations of Pinkie, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash aren't the same as the ponies we know and that they would have been better off as OCs or something, but that's kinda too late now to change your story, so forget that. For some reason, Rainbow Dash cursing is a bit of a turn-off for me, but the opinion of ponies cursing in fics is different for everyone else. Twilight seems a bit harsh sometimes but I suppose that tends in happen in a universe such as this. Pinkie seems to have randomly fallen for Lemon Drop (the fandom tends not to like OCxCanon Pony pairings) and even though they don't end up together, people will still think that they might. That being said, you don't need to add the shipping tag because it's not an important plot that drives your story.

As for the crossover part, I don't believe you need to know about Star Wars to read and enjoy this story. There are a few terms that would sound familiar to any Star Wars fan, but MLP readers will be able to jump in anyway.

For this chapter, I liked how it continued with the flashback that started in chapter four and turns out to be a story that Pinkie tells Dash as they fly towards their destination. I did mention that if it was Pinkie telling the story, it would be strange to hear Lemon's thoughts and feelings though. I also mentioned the plothole about the blood, which you fixed. There also was some punctuation derps as well as the ellipses missing spaces, but you went and fixed that too.

As for your action scenes and pacing, I'm not sure whether or not your old drafts were fixed because I apparently read an outdated copy of your Gdocs for chapters 1-4. But since this review is for five anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. Compared with the earlier chapters, the actions are a lot easier to read, for whatever that counts for. Unfortunately, I'm not that great at action scenes myself. If you need help, I would recommend asking Demetrius because he's the go-to guy when it comes to those. You stated that you needed help with action and pacing, so I have located a few resources for you to look over for whenever you're bored.

Action Scenes & Pacing Articles

http://hollylisle.com/pacing-dialogue-and-action-scenes-your-story-at-your-speed/

http://bryanthomasschmidt.net/2011/07/17/10-tips-for-writing-good-action-scenes/

http://www.fictionfactor.com/guests/pacing.html

http://www.writersstore.com/techniques-to-establish-pacing

http://www.sfnovelists.com/2011/12/15/secrets-of-writing-%E2%80%93-pacing/

http://writers.stackexchange.com/questions/2459/what-makes-a-good-action-scene

http://soylentgreene.us/writingaction.htm

http://mokisfanfictionblog.com/blog/2010/02/27/fanfiction-writing-tips-writing-a-good-action-scene/

http://garridon.wordpress.com/2011/11/30/what-makes-up-a-good-action-scene/

Most of the review was already done in doc, so... yeah, that's it. I hope I was helpful even though I took forever to finish your review. I apologize for the wait. Anyway, looking forward to the next chapter. As always, keep writing! :)
>> No. 102697
File 133714034291.png - (239.90KB , 700x700 , Bon Bon132175728842.png )
102697
>>102652
>>102659
>>102662
>>102669
>>102676
I just wanted to get this down while it was still fresh in my mind.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dj_CGxS6GpW23KNKxBHcZZD77MaIKq7nwfawjLTf_Uk/edit
>> No. 102698
I'm going to claim the following fics.

>>101464 Shadow of Dreams
>>102144 First Week of Winter

As for the other guys in the queue. If you want an extensive review that catches all of the errors (line by line), then put your story in Gdocs and submit it. Otherwise, we won't be able to catch everything unless we copy and paste every single line multiple times. If you post a fimfiction link, then the most you'll get is a general review that points out the most common errors. If you don't know what your errors are, then a general review can still help of course, but it would be up to you to ferret out the rest of the errors.
>> No. 102701
File 133714145763.png - (398.36KB , 700x700 , 1324547207456.png )
102701
>>102697
Wow, I never could have asked for this much input and advice! By the way, I posted some comments on the doc where I had questions about the feedback.
>> No. 102704
File 133714471205.jpg - (11.10KB , 165x201 , Foal.jpg )
102704
>>102698
I'll assume you're using the Gdocs link for my story then?
I understood that it was "Link to story" then link to chapter. But yes comments are enabled.
Thank you for picking up the fic. I was going to remind the thread today xD
>> No. 102705
>>102704

Yea, you did it correctly. I'm glad you posted the other parts so I know what happens before. I'm going to read those chapters before I hit up three, but will only proofread three as to your request. If I notice anything out of wack, I'll mention it to you though. :D
>> No. 102712
File 133715175375.gif - (161.11KB , 387x362 , tumblr_lszb2yyxlf1r05905o1_400.gif )
102712
While I am out of town, I do have internet access on an Ipod, and I don't wish to be away too long, seeing as I still don't know how long I'll be here. It'll be a doozy, but I'll take a fic to review through my Ipod. I'll take the shortest one we got not to overload myself. Hopefully soon I will be able to come back full speed.

>>102350
Hello, Sarcasmo, my name is Professor Hugbox, and I will be your reviewer for today. Please expect your review done within the next 48 hours (Unless some unexpected event happens, but if that happens it will be 72 at the least) I will take your foreign heritage into account and try to help you the best I can through suggestions and some basic grammar suggestions

(For those wondering how I can post a picture, Teamviewer, remote computer access. the trouble is the typing of the review. A review for a longer fic could take longer to just type out)
>> No. 102717
Beyond the Wall
[Dark]
There's a wall at the edge of the forest, but I don't go near it because I'm a good pony.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gv2DFzFBa8QHDpefb6F3G69PC51tkjL6SD_PorVCInE/edit

Questions I'd like answered:
1. Is the synopsis engaging?
2. Is just using the [Dark] tag appropriate?
>> No. 102718
File 133715638406.jpg - (2.41KB , 102x119 , Egoraptorrrsss.jpg )
102718
>>102717
Not a claim
>Filler
>That synopsis

Whut. Well, it's pretty vague and doesn't give us enough about what's going on. Why not go to the edge of the forest? Of course don't explain everything in the story to me, but it just doesn't catch me enough. Why should I care if this pony doesn't go to the edge of the forest where this wall is? Mommy said not to? Okay.
>> No. 102719
>>102717
You know... maybe helping review a story may help me with my own. I'll take this.

With the combination of no classes on Friday (yay!) and no work on Saturday (yay!), I'll probably have this review done by the end of the week.
>> No. 102722
Title: LSBFF: A "Canterlot Wedding" Prequel
Author: Pjabrony
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: Romance, Tragedy
Synopsis: Shining Armor has found the love of his life and is ready to marry her, but when she starts acting strange to him, he needs some help from a friend to remember the important things, and make a choice that could save all of Equestria. With song included!

Links:
Original: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25869
Original with edits as comments: http://tinyurl.com/7xaop6e
Edited version: http://tinyurl.com/74cuz69
Chapter: Entire fic

EqD Pre-reader's comments:

-Double check your tenses. There are some things that stuck out to me:

"Ever since the first time that Princess Celestia had left Canterlot on royal business and Cadence served as regent, ever since he had been assigned to be her personal protector for that occasion, their dynamic had changed. Once mere acquaintances as foals, they grew swiftly past friendship into romance."

*The last line is what we want here; the rest is for context. The past participle of "to grow" makes more sense, in this case, to describe an established action in the past that has ended. Their relationship is no longer growing from friendship to romance; it has already reached that state by that point in the narrative. We'll leave aside the discussion on romantic partners that aren't also friends, for now.

"A princess tarrying with a common unicorn? But who else was she supposed to be with? And besides, Shining Armor’s family was pleasant and generous, and his little sister is the personal protégé of Princess Celestia herself."

*Again, we want the last line here--the rest is for context. I realize that the last is meant to be in free indirect speech from Cadence's point of view, but even though her frame of reference is in her present, it's still narrative and should be told in the past. If the overall story narrative is past tense, then only delve into the present tense for direct thoughts and dialogue.

-Keep your thought formatting the same. In the first instance (Cadence), you used quotation marks as with dialogue. In your second instance (Shining Armor), you use plaintext and no quotation marks. Regardless of what you do (though I'd suggest at least italics if you aren't going to use quotation marks), be consistent.

-Watch for run-ons that can be easily remedied with a single comma.
"She nodded and they exited the restaurant to the congratulations of the staff."

-Formatting issues (extraneous space, in this instance)
"If that was anything other than ridiculously urgent"

-Odd word choices and phrasing.
"Shining was glad of the trust she put in him."
*This construction is correct, but weird.

“I have a dark foreboding about these creatures, and I don’t want them entering the city. I would like to ask you to use your protection spell.”
*'a dark foreboding' is a peculiar thing to have. Also, Celestia seems extremely passive here for an ancient monarch. Why would she say 'I would like to ask you' instead of just asking, even telling him to use it?

“Make it so,” Celestia said.
*I... Okay, there isn't anything technically wrong with this, but I cannot help but picture Celestia as a balding space captain that wears a red and black spandex jumpsuit, and it's really taking me out of the story. You might want to consider a rephrase here (and in so many other places). ENGAGE.

-Sentence construction
'He had had a sleepless night, planning out a schedule and issuing orders to ensure that the traffic of Canterlot wouldn’t be disrupted, plus spreading the news of the shield without starting a panic, and then a full hour of magical strain, pushing the shield out a little bit farther each time until it reached the markers he had set and one of the guards had come in saying, “That’s it, sir! You did it!”'
*Wow. So, that's all one sentence, huh? I suggest that you find its logical pause points and break it up a bit to give your readers some time to breathe.

'When she finally let him go, he asked, “Why are you so clingy this morning?”'
*Aaaaand this is about the point I stopped reading. Awkward phrasing abounds in this story, so I don't know if you meant this the way it sounds, but... you do not say this to someone you just asked to marry you. At least, not in the context of the show and the context you've given us in the story so far. After giving it some more thought, I can see this sort of working as a joke between two people really at ease with one another and used to trading jibes, but given what we've seen (and a few lines further reading), this doesn't appear to be what you've got going.

That's pretty much it for running commentary. The story needs a bit of polishing, and if it were just for mechanical errors, I'd just leave you to it and take it on good faith that you'd fix things on your own. However, you have a recurring problem with weird word choices and phrasings, and that isn't really something that'll pop out to you on another pass because that's just how you write. Thus, I heavily suggest (but in this case do not require) having an outside reviewer take a look at your story before you re-submit it.

*end of EqD Pre-reader's comments

My thoughts:

My tendency toward awkward and outmoded phrasing (like the use of the word "outmoded") comes from the fact that when I read for pleasure, it's almost invariably more than thirty years old and/or British. That tends to give me an unconventional style. The last thing the pre-reader mentions is definitely an unforced error on my part. I wanted to get to Cadence's next line, and wrote something out-of-character for Shining Armor to set it up.

Request:

I have already gone through and tried to proof-read and "de-clunk" the language, but would like another pair of eyes to tell me if there are still awkward phrasings or grammar/punctuation/usage errors. I put up my corrections both as GDoc comments and as a completed edit, so the reviewer can work on whichever is convenient.
>> No. 102762
>>102717

1. No. I see what you're doing with the intentional vagueness, but it doesn't work at all and generally lacks the depth to acquire an reader's inquiry. Then again, nobody on Equestria Daily knows how to write a damn synopsis or an introduction for that matter, so it'll be par for course.

2. If by acceptable, you meab a death sentence, then yes, it is acceptable.
>> No. 102767
Alright. I found some extra free time on my hands, so here's the review.

Truth be told, this was quite difficult for me. The combination of it being a first person POV and it coming from a foal really threw me off. There were some things I would've said, but then I had to consider the foal... nngh... yeah, you know what I mean.

Let's see if I can post this right.
*click share
*Who has access? Public on the web: Can comment.
*File->Publish to the Web...->Start Publishing.
*Copy link and paste
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mx21QA28EYYpuaO3xJSVyoo0JxtLxNBtQbQQJZyM1go/edit

I'm such a gdocs n00b. There are those here that can attest to that =(

If it doesn't work, send me your gdocs account information and I can get it to work with that.
>> No. 102782
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure], [Dark]

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24125/The-Zodiac-Ritual

Chapters Requesting for Review: Prologue & Chapters 1-3

Comments: Second request for review. I went through and made lots of changes based off the feedback of the first editor. Primary changes were made in the following:

Show vs Tell
Active voice vs Passive Voice
LUS
Comma, ellipsis, em dash and spacing issues
Minor plot issues

I'd love a Line-by-line, but if you're not up for it, i'll settle for a read-through to see if by the end of the first three Chapters you have the right questions.
>> No. 102819
Round 3! Here we go!

I want to send the prologue of "The Five Ponies You Meet in Heaven" through TTG again

Tags: [Adventure][Crossover][Tragic][Sad]

Synopsis: After Twilight and her friends die in a hotel fire in Manehattan, they meet five ponies who have affected their lives. Crossover of MLP and Mitch Ablom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"

I specifically request that pascoite look at this. According to Dublio, he specializes in sad fics and emotion related to it... stuff like that that I really need help on. I hopefully have kinks related to show vs tell, grammar, etc... ironed out, so you shouldn't have to worry too much on that.

Here's the Gdoc:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=18U5li5xXIu_8boPjHEOwlHn2AUPZQ51KCD1qQ6-KPUo

Here's the first chapter if you are interested. I've got a ton of notes, questions, etc on it that I have on my fic in general:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1cep3dYqaKRAFBt7WLCYZWcxQtNDulfA1x0FfVtsghrU

Thanks!

p0n00b!
>> No. 102825
File 133722654326.png - (30.03KB , 156x164 , Berry131499629980.png )
102825
>>102819
I'd get a review in the synopsis thread too. I think your synopsis is awful, and I like [sad] fics. It's the kind of thing that would make people starbomb a fic without even reading it.
>> No. 102827
>>102394
Sorry it took me a while to acknowledge this, I've been hella busy. Long hours at work, yadda yadda. Acknowledged, and I will contact you via e-mail.
>> No. 102828
File 133722725251.png - (297.10KB , 711x400 , Fluttershy_attempting_to_be_assertive_against_the_goat_S02E19.png )
102828
>>102825
What? Were you expecting something as elaborate as "After perishing in a hotel fire, Twilight and her friends awaken in the Summerlands. They learn that it isn't 'the great pasture in the sky' as they imagined it to be, but a place where their lives are explained by five ponies who have affected them"?

Ah! It feels good to be assertive. Good day!
>> No. 102831
>>102819
Claiming as requested. I've got several things going on at once, so I can't promise a speedy review, but it will be a thorough one.
>> No. 102832
>>102828

The synopsis is rather boring at that. Make it ambiguous, make it draw people in. But no, there's no need to get cute about it. If anything, maybe even try not to say explicitly that the m6 die, as per Cassius' recommendation.
>> No. 102838
[Normal] [Dark] [Sad]

Queen Chrysalis, ruler of the changeling swarm, is at the height of her reign. Food stores are full, her subjects are happy, and her colony is safe. But when a new clutch of eggs hatches, the food stores begin to dwindle with hundreds more hungry mouths. Faced with a crisis, Queen Chrysalis must find a new food source for her people, or face extinction. But when a land to the north, brimming with love, is discovered, will she be able to secure it for her people? And what are the consequences should she fail?

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0Bx9G8F06u1FUcWlPMGh3OWNHLVE

And from the office of the Equestria Daily Pre-readers:

"Hello! I am Pre-Reader Ω, and I unfortunately cannot recommend your story for posting on Equestria Daily. But do not despair, for I see potential in your story on a fundamental level that needs to be matched by your writing in order to warrant an Equestria Daily feature. So, for your benefit, I will list the problems I see with your story, and some explanation of what needs to be improved.

Keep in mind that this is a basic and by no means comprehensive list of problems I have found in your story.

-Excessive wordiness/Redundancy
-Improper dialogue punctuation
-Pronouns used without a subject
-Improper word usage
-Misplaced commas
-Said-isms
-Show vs. Tell
-Long, rambling sections dedicated to character description
-Missing commas
-Word omissions

Your main problem, aside from a high level of accidentally wrong punctuation and word omission, is your narrative structure, which is hard to follow due to an excess of entirely unnecessary phrases, clauses, adjectives, adverbs, etc that come across as unnecessarily confusing and comedic in some senses. Look at your second and third sentence if you want to know what I'm talking about; the narrative is adding periphery clauses to little to no effect, and only serves the purpose of confusing the reader.

Lots of dialogue is either improperly punctuated with a comma ending it even though it is not tagged with a speech verb (i.e. "Yes," he said vs. "Yes." He ran for the door") or is just missing the end punctuation outright.

The first sentence begins with a pronoun, but no subject. Why not use the name instead of a pronoun? In fact, we have no mention of the name Chrysalis until halfway into the story. Why?

Said-isms are the final thing I'll clarify, because the rest is fairly self-explanatory. Basically, you don't have the problem of too much variety between speech tags, but you have the problem of weigh every singly piece of dialogue with one. This becomes bothersome to read after a while, especially because you repeat many non-standard (the standard being "said") tags throughout the story, which only serves to baffle.

This is your first strike. Revise wisely."

Dromer and I already went through Chapter 1, but he recommended that I get another editor, so I figure that it would be best to have said other editor read both chapters.

Thank you to whoever picks this up.

-Atlas86
>> No. 102845
>>102832
If that's the case, then I need a new synopsis.

I don't know what to say without revealing that they died. Suggestions?

Sorry if I got a little testy there. I was having a bad day. Friends shouldn't let friends post angry =(
>> No. 102854
Title: "I need Cash..."
Author: Arby Works/Mr. Masato
Edited by: Scootalloo and Void Chicken of FiMFiction.net.
Tags: [Comedy][Slice of Life]
Description: "When Rainbow Dash ruins an item she borrowed, she has to find a way to replace it by it's due date, which is the next day. Out of money and out of luck, Rainbow Dash needs to make some cash... and fast."
Links:
Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/157WSCP6qf5A0BEWetDxI8xR3YlaMQ0oQuKwQmlm5yhM/edit
FiMFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/26546/%26quot%3BI-need-Cash...%26quot%3B

Hello, again. Arby Works with a one-shot here, requesting input from the Training Grounds. It's approximately 10,086 words, so it's a decent length.
Thanks, and I hope you have a nice day,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 102857
>>102854
Note: this has also been posted in Applejinx's thread. Author, as stated in the sticky, if you request more than one review at the same time you must make this known to all your reviewers.
>> No. 102867
File 133726690497.png - (526.46KB , 1393x810 )
102867
>>102857
I pointed this out to him with a 1 second ban just now, so you know.
>> No. 102872
>>102857
>>102867
Ah, I apologize. I'm still not used to these message boards and I apologize for the confusion and errors on my part.

Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 102876
File 133727078336.png - (478.17KB , 927x835 )
102876
>>102867
To the pony who asked this question via report:

"I just wanted to ask if this will become common practice? If such, we would just need to report them for the message to appear? I ask through here due to the fact this is more of a /meta/ question and I am unsure if it would be considered polite to make this discussion arise here."

If it's something you'd like us to do, just send in a report about it! And do feel free to ask in /meta/ for the future... we won't mind c:
>> No. 102883
File 133727440614.png - (749.30KB , 1366x768 )
102883
I had to delete a couple of posts, because they were getting too off-topic. Let's keep this thread on rails, everybody.
>> No. 102895
File 133728365743.jpg - (60.76KB , 453x340 , AzuNyan38.jpg )
102895
>>102263
Okay, I was going to give you a line-by-line. But I just can't do it. Your fic is just too long and too boring.

Here's what I got: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pBPysZOWIXayTyMZ3DnnwppHlKIcdk1Ndcq8uuUEcqo/edit

First off, I love the idea of Scorching Sun. Not only do I want to see this on EqD, I also really want to see fanart of your story.

But your fic has two big problems, and fixing them will require you to re-write large parts of the story. To the point where a line-by-line becomes meaningless.

1.) Your fic is poorly paced. You spend too much time on exposition. I'd recommend doing a parody of "On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z..." and then putting all the exposition into that.

Also, see: http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/episode-07-pacing

2.) When I actually got to the fighting, it was a little hard to follow. Go through and make sure that it's clear as crystal what's happening. And make sure that we fell the weight behind every punch.

Then when you're done, come back here and I'll take another look at it.

Oh, and put your fic in a Gdoc so we can put comments on it. You can copy it back to FimFic afterwards.
>> No. 102898
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102898
>>102576

Hey Nietschze,

It's been a couple of days and I'm wondering if you've had a chance to look over my story yet? I'm not trying to be impatient, but my fic has been on here for over a week and a half with no review, granted due to unusual circumstances. I'm eager to get feedback before I continue writing it, however. Do I need to convert it to Gdocs so you can comment on it? Thanks,

Markarian
>> No. 102906
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102906
>>102898

I know you've been waiting for a while. I'm working on it, Pinkie promise! I just like to do really thorough reviews, and I'm also using your fic to develop a sort of checklist/process for myself, so that my future reviews will be more consistent and useful.

As for "Brony," I have, in fact, already given it the old twice-over. At the moment I'm going over it line-by-line. But I'm reading it on my PS3's internet browser and handwriting my notes, so I'll have to type them up once I'm through. And I tend to take awhile about my write-ups. If you want an estimate, I'd say you should have your review at least by tomorrow morning, unless I can finish it tonight. But time management is not one of my strong suits, so... yeah.

As for a Google doc: I've decided I don't much care for those. Fimfiction is much easier to stare at for hours on end. So you're fine.
>> No. 102911
Is anyone available to look at my story? It has been up for a week and a half now with still no response...
>> No. 102913
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102913
>>102911
Are you sure you submitted it correctly? the 'Unclaimed Requests' list does not have a story under the name Love&War
>> No. 102914
>>102913

This is just the forum name, the story is request is under "Golden Hoof". The original submission is right here.

>>101425
>> No. 102959
File 133731341540.jpg - (48.02KB , 300x327 , 2515_Llama.jpg )
102959
>>100836
From the windswept peaks of the far Andes a voice floats... "Llama cLlaims this fic!"

Expect the Llamas thoughts tomorrow evening.
>> No. 102961
File 133731395387.gif - (413.60KB , 159x89 , 308jktf.gif )
102961
>>102959
Ye gods, he's back.
Queue raging about Ll-isms.
Do you type those out yourself, or do you have a program that does it for you?
>floats...
>l
Nope, guess not. Also, strangely dissapointed by the lack of the extra L.
>> No. 102965
File 133731468972.jpg - (393.42KB , 1045x1463 , artLlama.jpg )
102965
>>102961
Llama was not speaking there... that was Llamas omniscient third person narrator. Don't teLl Llama you don't have one!
>> No. 102992
File 133732175914.jpg - (43.78KB , 600x334 , 131577039417.jpg )
102992
>>102965
HOLY SHIT LLAMA.

Damn son, it's good to see you back. Nostalgia all over. How ya been?
>> No. 103034
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103034
>>102898

And here now it has done come round the morning, and I'm not yet done come round a review. Apologies. But know that patience obtaineth all things. Rest assured, good sir, I'm writing you up a real nice book over here in Super Nietzsche World 3. It's just taking a bit of time, see, a bit of time. I take a Valve-style approach to reviews: they'll be done when they're done, see.

Charity subsisteth in patience, Markarian. Seize this chance to grow holy. Christ and Buddha will enlighten you. And Brahma. Can't forget about him. Grow wise and practice compassion to relieve the suffering of all living creatures. The peace and joy of Nirvana will far surpass any wretched "happiness" you could ever obtain from something as banal as receiving a story review.

However, as a small token of goodwill, and as a proof that I've actually been reading your story, and as a spiritual help to your practice of patience (and thus, as an aid to your eternal salvation), here's one of your most embarrassing errors: In chapter 1, Lily has green eyes, and in Chapter 2, they're blue.

> Her long face framed light green eyes, one of which was occluded by her wild silver mane
>For the next few moments, Caleb could only stare into those blue eyes

Yea, spake Zarathustra, philosophical syncretism maketh none of good sense, but of good-humor it maketh as much as Der Ring des Nibelungen.

This is a hard saying. Let him accept it who can. Whoever has ears to hear, let him listen.
>> No. 103037
>>103034
All of these different gods, and you don't use Lord Xenu or Cthulhu. How dissapointing.
>> No. 103039
>>102959
Don't know if you got this far yet. If you haven't, ignore this. The last scene in Chapter 3 is supposed to have colored text. I had a mistake with Google Docs and messed it up. I just fixed it.
>> No. 103057
>>103034

That is embarrassing! Definitely a good bit of feedback to start off with. Either I couldn't make up my mind, or was incredibly tired. Adding it to my list then, thanks.
>> No. 103059
>>102819
>>102717

Hey, Filler. You need to acknowledge my review. Just put something in the comments and they'll take care of the rest...
>> No. 103060
>>103059

Filler is a maintainer.
>> No. 103061
>>103060
And the writer of Beyond the Wall, which was reviewed here: >>102767

But, I am thinking he means to acknowledge here publicly rather than just in the review document and he mislinked.
>> No. 103064
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103064
>>102831
Hey Pascoite.

I just wanted to let you know that I've sent this to Story Forge. Darn writer's block...

Here's the post, if you are interested:
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/97121.html#i102915

This is more of an FYI. I think just coming up with ideas... well... trying to put my ideas together is my biggest problem right now. Go ahead with the review. Like I said, I'm just telling you what I am up to.
>> No. 103065
>>103061

I'm aware of the review. It already has been acknowledged in document, and it is not required for someone to give a public acknowledgement for in-doc reviews. The purpose of an acknowledgement post is to know if the author has seen the review, or needs to be contacted to be told their review has be completed. Anything beyond that is merely unnecessary. Filler is a maintainer, so he should change the records accordingly because it's his review.
>> No. 103086
>>103064
>>103059
Oh, sorry. I don't consider the review to be quite finished yet, as I'm still responding to your comments.
>> No. 103087
>>103086
On that note, p0n00b, I've marked several comments on the document with the ■ character. Could you please expand on those comments?
>> No. 103093
>>101994

"Grey" by Gigathrash

I would like to try my hoof at reviewing. First fic for you, first review for me. Let's try to work through this together.
>> No. 103095
Apologies for the delay in the review. Life wanted to slap my in the face. But never fear, your review is now here.

Anyhoo, this is Dublio and this review is for Shadow of Dreams, Chapter three, written by Keyframe. I read the first two chapters even though I was not required to because I wanted to see what was happening. Something I noticed was that the dialogue attribution and capitalization was wrong a lot of the times, but in chapter three, there were only two missed errors. I see that chapter three had someone looking it over before me, so I assume that's why there were less errors. I also noticed a few recurring things throughout all three chapters as it pertains to your writing style. I mentioned as much as I could indoc, but there are a lot of underlying issues I couldn't get to because there are a lot of things that I find... off. I'll do my best to try and explain all of these errors as we go through the review.

Some of the story events seem to be missing or confusing. I don't believe you adequately describe what's happening in your story because your characters are reacting to things that haven't been mentioned in the story yet. It's as someone wrote a story but decided to cut random lines from it, so that the reader is left with an invisible haze. For some reason, I feel like I'm missing something. That's why I read the two chapters before this one, so that I wouldn't feel that way yet...

When a writer is creating a story, they need to know all of the minute details that accompanies it. However, you don't always have to explain every detail. However, you need to describe enough of the setting so that the reader knows what's happening as well as each important action that the characters take. You know how you can look at a sentence with a missing word and fill in that word with your brain? It's like that. As the writer of the story, you know what happens but sometimes you don't convey that through the narrative well enough. You know all of the missing pieces but the reader is left wondering "What just happened?"

The problem is that there are many parts of the story that are important and require an emotional impact if they're supposed to be effective. If you want me to feel for your OC, then you have to show more of their emotions besides just telling me what they are. I don't see that much body language, facial expressions, or sometimes just actions themselves, so it's harder to feel for this character. It's sorta like talking head syndrome. Here are some resources that might be helpful to you.

http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/confusion1.shtml

http://www.thinkage.ca/~jim/prose/talkingheads.htm

I feel that your style of narration could be executed a bit better. You seem to like glossing over important scenes like the main character's past or her relationship with the mane six, but then for the other scenes, your narrative sounds like a laundry list of actions. I believe this is due to the lack of variations on your sentences and the way you say "they did this. This happened. Then this."

Sometimes there is a lot of redundancy in your story. Unless played for comedic effect, you really should repeat the same word again. If possible, don't even repeat it in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence. Of course, there are exceptions in dialogue, because some people do talk like that, but be aware that you know what you're doing. As said earlier, repeating yourself in dialogue is normally played for comedy.

Sometimes the wrong parts of the settings are explained or the scene transitions are lacking. There is also a problem of showing vs telling when it comes to your story. It's harder for me to get attached to the characters because I'm always told how they're feeling because you say "they're sad." There are usually no other indicators that leads me to believe that. You may have a sentence that says "she said coldly" but what else? Are they sneering? Raising an eyebrow? Stomping their foot? As is, I can't really see much of what's happening between the characters. Moving back to the talking head thing, the only thing besides dialogue that I see for many scenes is just the dialogue tags. Speaking of those, I noticed that you don't seem to use said very much. Contrary to what the guy before me said, it is impossible to overuse said tags. That's because said tags are invisible. Readers will skip over them. Instead of talking on and on about why it's better to use said tags, I'm just going to copypaste a passage from "How NOT to Write a Novel."

How NOT to Write a Novel:

[rcv]Asseverated the Man[rcv]

Published authors use the word "said" almost exclusively when they wish to indicate that a particular character is saying something. "Said" is a convention so firmly established that readers for the most part do not even see it. This helps to make the dialogue realistic by keeping its superstructure invisible. Many unpublished authors, however, become uncomfortable with the repetition of the word "said" and try to improve the technology of dialogue by substituting any verb that has ever been associated with speech or language.

The only thing any of this does, though, is draw attention to the unconventional verb, which reminds the reader that there is an author, who is struggling mightily to avoid the word "said." There are of course exceptions: "asked" is used for questions, "shouted" is used for a character that is doing so, and there will occasionally be a good reason to use a word other than "said" for plain speech. But spicing things up with "importuned," "vociferated," or "clamored" will sabotage any attempt to make conversation sound real.

<endquote>

Look at these examples of the first nine speech tags in your story.

whined Rainbow
Summer argued
yelped Rainbow
apologized Summer
thought Summer (This isn't even a speaking verb)
said Rainbow accusingly (adverb is pointless due to dialogue)
pouted Summer (no sense in context)
protested Rainbow

This happens throughout your entire story and is quite obtrusive. Your dialogue must imply the tone of voice along with the actions. Since you have none, all we have to know what the character are doing at all is with these obtrusive actions. But instead of helping us read the story, I am continuously reminded that I'm reading a story.

I also think that your dialogue sounds off too. Some of your sentences have the characters talking but it feels like there are missing words because their sentences don't make a complete thought. It's as if they dropped in mid-sentence and forgot what they were saying, but no indication of doing so. A good way to know if dialogue sounds off is to say your sentences out loud. Sometimes you'll spot inconsistencies that sound fine on paper. This is because when we write, our heads fills in what it's supposed to sound like. So you know what the character wants to say, but for some reason, they just didn't.

Misc Notes:

There were three instances where you use a funky descriptor to refer to an already named character instead of using his name. I know that you did it to reduce repeating yourself, but in this instance, it's better to do that for clarity's sake. Otherwise you run into a problem called Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. That's when you use a descriptor + type of pony to describe them.

There were a few dialogue punctuation errors in there, so I'm going to link something for you just in case.

http://www.crayne.com/articles/Dialogue--How-to-Punctuate,-Use-Tags,-and-Vary-the-Structure-of-Your-Dialogue.pdf

A lot of the events in your story are supposed to be emotional high points but you rush so fast through the story that I can't really get a good enough grasp. Yes, I understand exactly what happens, but I feel nothing. There's not enough facial expressions, body language, setting, and transitions between scenes so it feels like a jumbled ride. Please slow down a bit and describe the thoughts and feels of the main character as well. Since everything's happening so fast, I'm not sure if she's even feeling anything at all at this point.

Another thing is that you keep sabotaging the pay-off of your story by removing all of the suspense. Since you gloss over a lot of potential events which could lead to the interactions between characters and give us a slice of life feel, it sorta feels like I'm reading a list. It's not terribly interesting, unfortunately.

Another qualm I have involves the story and the characters. Are you telling me that Summer stayed in the town for months and never left her house the entire time? Even though the entire reason for Gigatrot putting her in the first place had something to do with her making friends? (I'm assuming.) I'm also wondering why this character is so old yet she doesn't have a cutie mark yet. She can't use magic and because of that, doesn't want to program her robots with it. Then you say that building robots is hard, but she manages to do it anyway.

There is also the fact that she created a robot that is faster than Rainbow Dash and somehow has emotions because he was programmed with Summer's dad's data. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if your character and his sidekick are Mary-Sues. If she really didn't leave her house that much, how did she make friends with the Mane six so quickly? But since I was too busy looking at the other things in your story and not enough has actually happened, I don't think I can make any judgements on that quite yet.

Another thing that's quite funny is how Natty acts like a stereotype but in his letter, he speaks perfect English.

I'm also think that Summer is going to pair up with Rainbow Blitz on account of he was the only pony to be in contact with Summer the whole time. That and she doesn't seem to have much contact with anypony else. If it's been months like you said, and the only pony she's been around is Blitz, then...

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is watch out. Some people might accuse your OC of being a Mary Sue. As for me, I can't judge because nothing really big has really happened yet. Or maybe it did, but I wasn't sure if it was important or not since you seem to skip over so many details or focus on the wrong ones.

Alright then, I marked as much as I could indoc and I hope that I helped a little bit. While creating this review, I might have overlooked something. Just point it out to me and I'll give you more details. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to ask. As always, keep writing.

Never give up, never surrender!
>> No. 103097
>>103087
Found them.

Yes, it was very difficult to work with a foal's point of view. This was all I could come up with. Sorry =(
>> No. 103104
File 133739146920.png - (203.26KB , 442x531 , fantastic.png )
103104
>>103097
I hope you won't mind if I crosscheck your comments with others. Regardless, I thank you for your review.
>> No. 103105
File 133739183832.jpg - (104.35KB , 367x438 , AzuNyan08.jpg )
103105
>>102895
The author PMed me on FimFic, so review acknowledged.
>> No. 103107
>>103104
Thanks!

I wish I had your story writing expertise. I'm a little stuck with my story right now. Frankly, the problem is that I don't have a plan. I sent it to Story Forge, but I haven't heard back from them yet.

Frankly, I am going to hold off on writing until I actually know where I'm going with it. I've got four pages of idea gobblety-gook that I need to organize before that happens. Nngh!
>> No. 103110
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103110
Op at:
>>100836
Llama cLlaimed at:
>>102959
Reviewed at: rite here SiLly!

ProLlogue:
Llama beLlieves that you have futzed with your opening so much that you cannot reaLly proof read it objectiveLly for your seLlf. As a resuLlt it seems a bit scattered and ungainLly. If your were to give it a rest and re read it in a few days you wouLld probabLly see the issues Llama is discussing.
To wit:
Your descriptions and chars. are weLl deveLloped and niceLly thought out, but tumbLle out too quickLly to be coherent to a reader Lless intimateLly acquainted with the work.
The conversationaLl back and forth has too many names and too much Lleft unsaid, a sure sign of a scene that the author has been muLling over for a Llong time.
Space it out with some back story and narration, set the scene a bit more fuLly before the pLlayers waLlk on stage.
Otherwise it is very good and sets a dramatic and tragic tone. You grabbed the Llama quickLly and kept him reading through the entire work.

Ch 1:
WeLl paced and very strong, precious few typos and rather good grammar. You will need a far better grammar nazi than the Llama to find your few errors.
Llama Lloves how adorkabLle you made TwiLlight and how cannon correct you kept SA.
Lluna however... your ELlizabethan grammar needs a bit of work. here are a number of fine references on Shakespearean/Elizabethan grammar and syntax that can be fond on the net, the detaiLls of thee, thou, thine, etc. are too complex for Llama to expound here Llet Llama just correc a sentence so you can see the subtLle difference.

OriginaLl:
"While we understand that the presence of the Guard inconveniences thee, we doth implore that thee allows it."

Llama corrected:
"While we understand that the presence of our Guard shall inconvenience thee, we doth implore that thou shouldst indulge us in this."

Ch 2
Paragraph one sentence one: you use "head" twice in rapid succession. TriviaLl but Llama noticed it.
ALlso: monitor, monitor, monitor is acceptabLle but a mix of synonyms couLld be amusing. Just a suggestion.
Otherwise, this chapter was great, weLl paced, enjoyabLle and great characterizations. Keep it up!

Ch 3
Ohh noes! you had AJ say "on the down low" Llama's poor brain! noooooooo! That booted Llama right out of the story.

Llama sees your colored text and thinks you are not doing yourseLlf any favors with it. The thing you are trying to puLl off at the end of this very enjoyabLle chapter is a very tricky bit of literary sLlight of hoof. there is a reason you do not find any tweLlve member teLlepathic conversations in Lliterature... it cannot be done. In opera you can have tweLlve speakers at once, but in no other medium. sorry Brony, them is the sad facts. you need to find another way to teLl us what you are trying to say here. Llama gets it, but onLly after picking it apart Lline by Lline. Otherwise this was great stuff.

OveraLl Llama approves and endorses this highLly, if you are going where Llama thinks you are headed this wiLl be a humdinger of a taLle. Keep banging those keys!
>> No. 103112
File 133739386895.jpg - (21.73KB , 500x375 , LlamaLlurking.jpg )
103112
>>102992
Llama has been Llurking and keeping tabs, but Llama has had a bad case of writers bLlock for a few months now, due to reaLl Llife preventing him from working through it. How are you guys aLl doing?

To keep on topic Llama cLlaims: Beneath the FieLlds of Heaven at:
>>100285
>> No. 103114
>>103110

*I don't know how to quote things on a message board, sorry!*

"Llama beLlieves that you have futzed with your opening so much that you cannot reaLly proof read it objectiveLly for your seLlf. As a resuLlt it seems a bit scattered and ungainLly. If your were to give it a rest and re read it in a few days you wouLld probabLly see the issues Llama is discussing."

Off the top of my head I think i have revised the opening a dozen times, with some of those rewrites being almost a week apart. I can see where you would get those impressions. I'll probably wind up rewriting it another dozen before I submit it to EqD, (gonna send it off when I finish Chapter 10) Here's hoping it's presentable by then.

"Your descriptions and chars are weLl deveLloped and niceLly thought out, but tumbLle out too quickLly to be coherent to a reader Lless intimateLly acquainted with the work.
The conversationaLl back and forth has too many names and too much Lleft unsaid, a sure sign of a scene that the author has been muLling over for a Llong time. Space it out with some back story and narration, set the scene a bit more fuLly before the pLlayers waLlk on stage."

I think this is a side effect of taking the important portions from the original opening scene I had and merging it in with this one. As you've suggested, what I will need to do is flesh out the characters more and have them talk a bit more before everything goes to hell. Firey, painful hell.


"your ELlizabethan grammar needs a bit of work."

I was like 99% sure I was mutilating it, but I hadn't had anyone say anything otherwise. I'll do some research.


"Ohh noes! you had AJ say "on the down low" Llama's poor brain! noooooooo! That booted Llama right out of the story."

I thought that was in character for her... No? Not at all? Made you facepalm irl, you say? I deserve to be jailed for crimes against eyes? Well, shit.


"Llama sees your colored text and thinks you are not doing yourseLlf any favors with it. The thing you are trying to puLl off at the end of this very enjoyabLle chapter is a very tricky bit of literary sLlight of hoof. there is a reason you do not find any tweLlve member teLlepathic conversations in Lliterature... it cannot be done. In opera you can have tweLlve speakers at once, but in no other medium. sorry Brony, them is the sad facts. you need to find another way to teLl us what you are trying to say here. Llama gets it, but onLly after picking it apart Lline by Lline."

You confirmed my fears. There was a couple things I was trying to do here. First off, I wanted to drop a lot of subtle foreshadowing, but have it hidden in the noise of the conversation. I'm thinking now that's not gonna work. The second was a color theme based off the colors of the Zodiac, (which obviously is kind of a resounding thing throughout the story) but you're right that this isn't the best way to do it. This scene has been re-written twice already. Third times the charm, eh?

Thank you for your review, sir Llama! I will be requesting Chapters 4-6 for review next Wednesday. If you are so inclined, feel free to grab them.
>> No. 103117
File 133739836601.jpg - (68.98KB , 718x957 , LlisfirLlama.jpg )
103117
>>103114
when a scene roLls around in an author's noggin too Llong he or she wiLl invariabLly start to Llose perspective on it, as the vision that pLlays in the author's mind runs faster than the words on the page. The resuLlt is something that seems choppy and fragmented to a reader who is not inside the author's skuLl. this has happened to Llama and just about everyLlama who has ever written a story.
>> No. 103118
File 133739880563.gif - (1.46MB , 480x270 , 133706322550.gif )
103118
>>103117
Your use of double l's is unnerving yet delightful to read... I don't understand...

Anyways, I am now home and can work back up to full speed. Thank you to those who have been patient with me. That queue has gotten quite large, so it's time to get to work.

>>102350
Your review will be done in a few hours. Very sorry about the extended wait. Living in a very large family can sometimes cause rather extensive problems.

>Gif for how I'm feelin'
>> No. 103120
File 133739959217.png - (241.51KB , 493x352 , BloodyMaryblessedareyouamongcocktailsPrayformenowinthehourofmydeathwhichIhopeissoonAmen.png )
103120
Thread will be autosaging in a few posts. Contributin'. Also, after I read and critique the latest draft of the latest chapter of this awesome fic about Diamond Dogs and gritty Equestrian commandos, I will be reading and reviewing this:
>>101903 | Beyond Her Tomb | 2K Chrome
I focus on work for a few days, and this is what happens-- a legend of /fic/'s past comes back to review again? Dammit, I love this community, but I miss a lot of the fun stuff that happens in it. I'm beginning to relate to Seattle_Lite's frustrations in this regard.

My spreadsheet has passed the drunk test. I can use it adequately well while drunk, ergo it's idiot-proof.
Alton Brown is the culinary Bill Nye and a god among men.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/bloody-mary-recipe/index.html
>> No. 103121
File 133739990952.jpg - (2.76MB , 2200x1600 , 46124 - artist-scratch42 gun military rainbow_dash.jpg )
103121
First Dawn by Nicholas Taylor -requested review-

---
>I'd say my biggest concerns are:

>Making sure Celestia has enough depth.
Nope  

>Making sure I have enough setting description without info dumping.  The description of Equestria towards the middle of the first chapter might need to be cut.  I'd like to hear your opinion on it.
See review

>Adequately capturing the tragic tone of the final scene in the first chapter.
Ehhhhh. Needs work.

>Making sure the dialogue between Luna and Celestia is insightful and poignant.
Not bad, it’s more informative than insightful, and more revelatory than poignant.

---

Okay, first of all, indent your paragraphs. Seriously. Text looks like a brick w/o proper indentation.



Still far too much “tell” is evident in your narrative.
>Silver’s visible unease,
^ perfect example. nearly every time you use the word “causing” is another.


>Celestia strutted ahead down the path.
>strutted
That’s horrid, and totally inconsistent with the portrayal of her you’re trying to paint.

You need to review and revise your metaphors, as they tend to be rather weak. Prime example-
>The charming melody continued, sweet and cheerful like a dozen singing songbirds.

Celestia’s coming off a touch sycophantic at the end of her discussion with the violinist.

>your immediate company!”
company sucks. Go with “presence” or “advisement”.

>As the castle rapidly approached, Celestia’s horn glowed, flinging the doors open as she swept in, dropping to the ground before the throne with so much force that General Skye was knocked backwards.
This is awkward as fuck. Break it into two sentences, keep your tenses aligned, and pay attention to the sequence of events.

There’s simply no tension in the parts where Celestia is intending to go and drop herself between two warring cities. How you managed this is beyond me, because it, by all rights, should be veritably *seeping* with it.

You have a superfluity of adjectives that murder your reader’s sense of immersion.

Try to go a bit more utilitarian in script. instead of “a red glow spreading across her cheeks”, just say blushed, for instance.

>“Her smile twitched wider”
clunky.
>the desk’s polished, yet scuffed
bad comma
>a swig of milk
swig is bad


You need to throw in more evidence and reminders that the kingdom is young, the land barely settled, and the Princess’ rule new. EG, when you note C passing her golden throne, say “newly constructed throne of solid gold”, shit like that. As per your concern about the expo on Canterlot in the middle of the chapter, you need less info dump, and more info segue. By which, I mean work it in throughout. No need to dedicate a large section purely to the exposition, but be consistent in Celestia’s observations as she takes in and reflects on her surroundings. This is a far superior way to paint a picture and scene if you’re trying to avoid a wall o text, which you should be.

Given the concerns you expressed, and what you want to focus the most on addressing, I have to say that I’m really not feeling C’s characterization given the portrayal you’re attempting here. Her language is too formal, yet her actions and internal dialogue betray her discomfort with it all. You’re creating a dichotomy of behavior that just doesn’t mesh. You have her jumping from abashed, to confident, to impetuously outraged that those two cities don’t recognize her authority. I mean, you’re going for a presage to the current diarchy, but you’re giving so little background as to HOW the cultural dialectic was arranged, and how much trouble she’s actually having establishing her authority (or the reason for it to her own assurance in the first place) aside from her “sun miracle”, which only goes to reinforce the *external* status she receives. What you’re going for, and must be paramount, is establishing that *internal* understanding for your character. In essence, the bulk of your characterization of Celestia lacks not only consistency, but insight and depth.

Now, with all the above into consideration, I have to recommend a rewrite, and honestly? Just practice. You’ll get it.
Sorry this took so long mate, my apologies, and best of luck to ya. Cheers, and Keep Writing.
>> No. 103132
File 133740186655.jpg - (32.99KB , 300x420 , daLliLlama.jpg )
103132
Op here
>>100285
cLlaimed here
>>103112

And now on to the matter at hoof!
Ch 1
Ouch. you have a story here, and a good grasp of what you want to say, but that darn Llanguage barrier is a tough nut to crack.

The biggest structural probLlem you have is in the crafting of paragraphs. Each one shouLld stand aLlone to a certain extent and Lleave the reader with a cLlearer idea of where you are taking him. SadLly yours are a bit unsteady on their hooves.
Llets try an exampLle:
"It was one of those snowstorms whose cold dug so deep into your bones. You would have fallen dead after five minutes, had you not payed enough attention. And to be fair, I was no exception. Left alone with inadequate clothing, I would have frozen to death before I could have even known that I was supposed to get out of there. Had I not dug my self into the cramped and freezing gorge, I would have had to go against an equally cramped and freezing snowstorm. In the end I still managed to pull it through. Even if the air inside the small gorge was still ice cold without any signs of warming up, I knew that if I had any illusions of not freezing to death, my best chance was to rub my body parts against each other and to hope for the best."

Llama edited version:
"It was one of those snowstorms whose cold dug deep into your bones. An unprepared person would fall dead after five minutes. Sadly that unprepared person was me. Left alone with inadequate clothing, I would have frozen to death had I not dug my self into the cramped and freezing gorge. I knew that if I had any hope of not freezing to death, my best chance was to rub my body parts against each other and to hope for the best."

Sometimes Lless is more.

Your next big issue is tenses. As in past present and future. You shift back and forth in the same paragraph often, sometimes in a singLle sentence.
Tenses in EngLlish are a tricky subject so Llama recommends finding a tutorial onLline.

Llet Llama read more of this and get back to you in a few days with a more in depth anaLlysis, your story has promise. keep writing Brony!
>> No. 103135
Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 8: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bruv3U4xj-Zp57jDDegLZpWnQ8taxZKt75xfIqS5P-w/edit

Comments: I would prefer to have my review in-doc. English is not my primary language, so please be patient with me. I'm willing to learn and develop myself. I'm determined to get this somewhere.
>> No. 103139
>>103110

Llama, I have a question. Do you think that if I completely scrapped the color coding and just left the last scene in Chapter 3 as a tagless conversation, leaving the reader guessing as to who was speaking, would it read better or would it still be too confusing to follow?
>> No. 103155
File 133740857203.jpg - (71.63KB , 570x749 , artllama2.jpg )
103155
>>103139
It is simpLly a matter of too many voices creating chaos. ReveaLl it in bits and pieces sLlowLly as the taLle progresses. A hint here, a sLlip of a zodiac name there... suspense and innuendo (in whose endo?) will be far better.
>> No. 103179
Long review is long: http://tinyurl.com/7965tge

The short version is that I loved the characters, not so much the way the thing is written.
>> No. 103212
File 133745325501.jpg - (95.52KB , 400x398 , 20645413.jpg )
103212
NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159 NEW THREAD: >>103159
>> No. 103531
>>102206
Your synopsis has me interested. Expect a review within the next 2-24 hours.

Note: It looks like an anon's commented quite a bit on the doc on the 12th, so you'll want to correct those things as well as things I mark. I also scrolled around to peek at the other TTG reviews and PR comments on the story; I suggest you scan through them all again for additional tips that you perhaps haven't resolved yet.
>> No. 103847
Title: Get Lost (In a Book)
Author: Kavonde
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Comedy, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle has been waiting eagerly for her copy of the newest Equestrinox novel. Now that she's finally got it in her hooves, though, it seems like all of her friends are in trouble and need her help. Will Twi find time to enjoy her book without leaving everypony hanging?
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27903/Get-Lost-%28In-a-Book%29
To Be Reviewed: All (1 chapter, 4,215 words)
Comments: I haven't submitted this to EqD yet, so it's a blank slate on feedback.
>> No. 104193
File 133815416976.png - (1.02MB , 1280x719 , Pinkie_Pie_1_bit_S2E19.png )
104193
>>102854
I'm not claiming this one, as I'm not sure if I'll have time to continue what I've started, but I have started a review here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xZu5-CXHOORH8Zuh0WxleukHb1M4ggY0TvcnftNID-w/edit

I'm using a number of # marks to denote some relative level of importance to my comments. Five #'s means there's a technical error (typo, grammar mistake) that needs to be fixed. One # is just a comment or suggestion that can be safely ignored. Other comments are rated somewhere in between. If you see "<>" instead of #'s, that's just a comment with no suggestion for changes. This is so I can weight everything and hopefully make it easier for you to ignore or follow any advice I give with an easy conscious. :)

I put the comments in a copy of the GDoc, since I wasn't sure if and when I'd be able to follow through. Whether I do continue or not is also up to you, Arby Works—if you like how I review. :)
>> No. 104196
File 133815466350.png - (1.02MB , 1280x719 , Pinkie_Pie_1_bit_S2E19.png )
104196
(Hmm... This message hasn't shown up after several minutes. I'm reposting. Something must have gone wrong.)

>>102854
I'm not claiming this one, as I'm not sure if I'll have time to continue what I've started, but I have started a review here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xZu5-CXHOORH8Zuh0WxleukHb1M4ggY0TvcnftNID-w/edit

I'm using a number of # marks to denote some relative level of importance to my comments. Five #'s means there's a technical error (typo, grammar mistake) that needs to be fixed. One # is just a comment or suggestion that can be safely ignored. Other comments are rated somewhere in between. If you see "<>" instead of #'s, that's just a comment with no suggestion for changes. This is so I can weight everything and hopefully make it easier for you to ignore or follow any advice I give with an easy conscious. :)

I put the comments in a copy of the GDoc, since I wasn't sure if and when I'd be able to follow through. Whether I do continue or not is also up to you, Arby Works—if you like how I review. :)
>> No. 104552
I have a little problem. I posted a request to review my story, but I did it in another training grounds (the great and powerfull trixie edition), I don't know if it's closed or something. I'm posting the link here just in case. feel free to tell me if i'm an idiot.
>>104352
>> No. 104641
>>102199
Claiming.
>> No. 104814
>>104196
Arby would very much enjoy if if you continued to review it. I've even replied to some of your comments; some I acknowledge, some I explain, some I leave up to debate.

Thanks, Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 105413
File 133885802498.jpg - (8.05KB , 272x185 , WAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR.jpg )
105413
>>102854
Getting back on my hooves following the crushing failure of my last review. I've decided to start with you. I took a quick peek at your fic, and already see problems that need fixing. Expect a review soon.
>> No. 105781
>>100769
>> No. 106908
Hey story thread, I submitted Writing is Hard http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23017/Writing-is-Hard
for consideration to EQD and received the following notes in my rejection notice:
-Capitalization
-Dialogue punctuation (This is a big one. Almost every line of dialogue was punctuated incorrectly)
-Missing end punctuation
-Compound word use
-Comma use

As well as "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" as a warning against filler description text.

I've already read through this a half dozen times, please pick as many nits as you all are capable of and find every single possible error that I can correct. I've got a solid base here and I think I've got a real shot at making it onto EQD, so I want to be sure my next attempt is as polished as it possibly can be
>> No. 131485
Just so you know. At present, the event caandelr doesn't show anything not already shown on the home page to the right side bar. In fact, on the right side bar, it is broken out into upcoming God Rock services and upcoming rehearsals whereas here, it is all-in-one without distinguishing between them. http://qkkrvyqfrwu.com gfjjiggboqu [gfjjiggboqu.com] [link=http://epwjcum.com]epwjcum[/link]
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