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File 133644817116.jpg - (16.83KB , 300x294 , President-Nixon-talks-about-Vietnam-War.jpg )
101428 No. 101428
#Reviewer #Discussion #Presidential
Greetings fellow bronies and brothers in democracy! I am Richard M. Nixon, (former) President of the United States of America. As president, I was a man of firsts. I was first to open diplomatic relations with China (that’s right, you can thank me for ninety percent of the plastic in your home), to make charming home videos about my work in Congress, and to resign the office of president (I didn’t want to be president anyway). Today, I would like all non-Communist brony fan-fiction writers to experience my next first: the first review thread with an objective scoring system.

The units are apples, as IMDB stole my idea for stars (Plus, Applejack had a lot of extra apples lying about).

For information on how scores are calculated, go here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PUSHBP3Rca3y6fWCuOkkiHKo6TWXKbJhrFIMCXlEZzI/edit

Here is how you may interpret each score:

10 apples: Your work rivals the toils Jonathan Swift, the very first writer of pony fan-fiction.
9 apples: Some very excellent work, consider posting to Equestria Daily
8 apples: You are near perfection; a little bit more effort will make your story wonderful.
7 apples: A very good story, two or three more rounds of editing will make your story something special.
6 apples: The story was okay and might draw a crowd on FIMFiction.
5 apples: Start editing! Your story is unacceptable for publication. Consider visiting me again later.
4 apples: Your story is bad. Very, very bad. Rework it.
3 apples: At this point, I do not feel comfortable calling your work a story so much as a clump of words.
2 apples: Terrible. You may want to consider a total re-imagination of your story.
1 apple: Your story is that of legend. It is so porous with plot-holes that your story has actually been approved by the Coast Guard as a floatation device. Editors have to keep a book of classic literature close by when they read the story to restore any lost intelligence after reading the mangled meshes of words. Edit like crazy; you need it.

Did you enjoy that list? Here’s another:

Rules:

1)Shipping is fine, but absolutely no pony procreating. I was president while the hippies were around, so I’ve seen enough weird stuff in this genre to last a lifetime.
2)For the purposes of my scoring system, I need your word count.
3)I am not a crook, so you shouldn’t be on either. Please do not plagiarize.
4)I believe disagreements on this thread should be conducted in peace with honor. If you disagree on any of my points, kindly tell me what the problem was (although the silent majority that always agrees with me will be quietly mocking you).
5)As soon as you receive a one apple rating, I stop reading and force you to edit it before I look again. No exceptions.
6)Please allow three days for a response to your story. I’m a busy retired president, and I take my time in reading your story (I don’t want to miss anything).
7) I was never on the television show Futurama. Do not ask me about it or post "haroo!" in the thread. My Secret Service men will find you.

Eagerly awaiting your story,

Richard M. Nixon, (Former) President of the United States of America
206 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 104793
File 133851662087.jpg - (20.50KB , 315x450 , 131319402617.jpg )
104793
>>104790
>>104792
But then I couldn't call myself the devil of /fic/ anymore without the implication that you hold a higher position :|

If you want to be Satan and a political figure, why not Dick Cheney?
>> No. 104803
File 133852112165.jpg - (68.62KB , 400x306 , 21283163[1].jpg )
104803
Alternatively,
>Pic
>> No. 104816
>>104803

This.
>> No. 104830
>>104803
>>104816

I can see it now...

"Zoidy want correct grammatical structure! Zoidy want proper verb-tense agreement"

"Ohhh! But I just fixed that!"
>> No. 104831
File 133853510116.jpg - (64.53KB , 405x401 , 87681 - dyam_that's_one_ugly_pony meta Star_Wars yoda.jpg )
104831
If passive voice you write, angry Yoda will be. Do this only Yoda does, copy you must not. Right in all things Yoda is. Reviewed you story will be.

Anger is led to by bad grammar. Hatred of writers is led to by anger. Violent outbursts of passive rage are led to by hatred of writers.

(More consistent grammar this Yoda has. Yes.)

To join my queue happy you will be.

Yes. Be you will. Be... You will.
>> No. 104834
File 133853604222.jpg - (1.85KB , 125x71 , 133332872645s.jpg )
104834
>>104786
>>104831
>pic because Heil [Insert Character Name]
All the best, Mr. President. You've done some mighty fine work in your tenancy. It's not like I've been skimming your thread to read your reviews, nope, no sir-ree. All the best... and may the Force be with you?
>> No. 104840
File 133853847035.jpg - (70.22KB , 500x333 , 3791329768_18761480a9[1].jpg )
104840
>>104831
I really, really want to answer with Yogurt to this, but I also don't want to be banned for RPing, so you win this round, Yoda.

Apologies if I started a nasty (if somewhat humorous) derail in your thread, Nixon.
>> No. 104878
File 133857415519.jpg - (2.74KB , 362x217 , 715.jpg )
104878
Dankeshöne, President Nixon. I did not realize there was such an issue with my grammar. Though I supposed grammar would be my weakest element, as I began to write this story simply as an exercise in bettering my skills with the English language. (Though coming at the heels of a major rewrite sans editor might have something to do with it.)

*Bows head* Again, thank you. I will fix these issues! I'd vote for you still. Best brony president ever (of America). No, wait, forever. That's, like, four ever! Though, and I must ask, is/would it be considered bad form you ask for your help (in a proper post, of course) with regards to my later chapters?

Have a good day, Mr. President (As a side note: is it bad if Stalin (dead serious about Stalin doing my art) is the guy who draws all my art?)
>> No. 104884
>>104834
Thank you! No, I will not be doing Yoda. Annoying, that would be.

>>104840
Don't worry about it. :)

>>104878
Post whatever you want me to do, but get it in before June 5.
>> No. 104890
>>104640

First off, I am not Richard Nixon. I'm a random lurker.

Second, I could give you a broad review on some of the things you need to change, if you'd be willing to accept my commentary and if Nixon doesn't mind someone stealing his job.
>> No. 104897
>>101428
Mr. Nixon, I have a fanfic that plans to be novel sized. I only have 2 chapters so far. It is about a young soldiers rise to becoming President of the RFE (A nation that is based of the United States).
- I do plan for the protagonist to get married but I do have a question; you did say "no procreating" but does that mean no describing the process or does that mean no protagonists having children (without describing the process).
- After reading some of your reviews stressing the use of "alright" I do plan to remove the "pseudo-word" from my story but I can't seem to find the option that searches for words in a document. I would appreciate it if you could identify the parts where the story says "alright" so I can remove them.
Thank you and enjoy the story!
>> No. 104901
>>104897
Derp derp, forgot the link
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-KWbhRBN_4vhI_U4DRQzjQsjtffyrmKhSHGTr_Qkmnc/edit
>> No. 104908
File 133858336866.jpg - (11.81KB , 358x292 , spoiler.jpg )
104908
>>104901
>Can't find the find function... Pic related.

1.) Open document.
2.) Press crtl-f
3.)Write alright in the box
4.)?????
5.)Profit.

There's even a replace function, you just have to look.
>> No. 104909
File 133858348591.jpg - (22.31KB , 472x479 , giant-nixon1.jpg )
104909
>>104897
Just don't describe the process. I was born into a Quaker family, so I just don't like to read that kind of stuff.
>> No. 104911
File 133858367541.jpg - (85.50KB , 1284x1926 , 2008-09-28-nixon06_thumb.jpg )
104911
>>104890
I stole from the country, so I don't care if someone steals one story from me. Have fun!

Nixon
>> No. 104918
File 133858690765.jpg - (13.13KB , 400x300 , saturday-night-live-frost-nixon-skit_pt-1_std.jpg )
104918
>>103741
Live from his mother's basement, it's a Nixon review! You lost 0.926784 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 0.732159
Raw Plot Score: 9.07322
Your Apple Score: 4.90269
Percent Deviation from Average: 28.02%

Ah, grammar! Yet again you doom a good writer to a mediocre score! Your grammar errors were as follows:

The onomonopia you used should have not been followed by ellipsis. The ellipsis imply that the soldiers are walking slowly--or dragging their feet.

Your first sentence was "The sound of marching hoofbeats...Canterlot." Your second preposition in this sentence is not the best one to use. Instead of using "on," consider using "surrounding." Did you even intend for the second prepositional phrase to modify "air."

Your third sentence was a comma splice. There are a couple ways to fix it, so I'll let you deal with it in whatever way you deem fit. I recommend putting a comma after "success" and removing the comma after "enemy."

There were one-or-two typos. For example, you capitalized the word "yet" in the middle of a sentence. A round of proofreading will get rid of these errors.

You used the word "relatively" without having two objects to compare. There must be two things that you are comparing when you are using any form of the word "relative."

Only one plot hole! Take pride in your writing skills! Plot problems:

You say that Chrysalis doesn't acknowledge a difference between the noble and the common pony, but you had spent the entire paragraph preceding the sentence with this information telling us about all the differences Chrysalis noticed between these two types of ponies. Either she noticed the differences or she didn't!

Have fun editing your grammar (or at least try to have fun)! Pleasure reading you,

Nixon
>> No. 104919
>>104918
I forgot a question mark. You'll see where.
>> No. 104924
>>104831
>If passive voice you write, angry Yoda will be.
That was directed towards me. I know it was.
>> No. 104927
File 133858913698.jpg - (128.62KB , 1000x1000 , 1297490823553.jpg )
104927
>>104918
>Criticizes grammar
>onomonopia
Onomatopoeia, my good man. Don't fret, 'tis one of the most silly words in the English language.
>> No. 104928
>>104927
Well...that's embarrassing. Thanks!
>> No. 104930
>>104890

Ok, going off of Nixon's scale of ranking, your fic doesn't even register on the small end of the scale. This is going to take a lot of work to fix, buddy. And to Nixon- I think this guy is a special case of bad writing that exceeds my reviewing ability. Could you do me a favor and take over from here?

(NOTE: If there is already a reviewer by the name of Palette, and I'm pretty sure that there is, then I apologize. I do not mean to impersonate you.)

I didn't bother to review this work in its entirety. Rather, I restricted my review to the first part of the first segment for reasons that will soon come to light. With that said, my comments are below.

I don't even know where to start on the grammar issues. To keep it simple, never put a comma before 'and'. That's a serious and rather annoying grammatical error that seems to crop up a lot in your writing. There's really too many errors for me to go through your work and point out examples, so I'll end this section here.

Second, take this stuff out

>(speaking from your linear standpoint of time progressing as a line)

What you mean by those descriptions may be clear to you, they may make some sense to me, but the average reader isn't going to get what you mean. Try re-writing those scenes without putting anything in parentheses, if you believe that to be possible. Another thing- try to focus on an exposition of the main character, who appears to be an entity named Liam, rather than just throwing us into the middle of your plotline. I see what you're trying to do here-you're clearly trying to start from the middle of the story, and work your way back through the introduction. That really isn't a writing tactic I would recommend for anyone, let alone someone at your level of ability.

Third of all, your story doesn't seem to have a plot so much as a random cluster of illogical
descriptions. To fix this, you need to include exposition in your writing. Show us the protagonist at the start of whatever series of events led to whatever is supposed to be happening in the work at the start of the fic itself, rather than throwing this sort of crucial information in as a second thought.

Fourth of all, I think that I should go ahead and recommend a total re-write of the 'introduction' segment of the fic. Just try to imagine that you're talking to someone as you write. Here's one other thing I recommend, as far as writing comprehensibly is concerned- keep your narration grounded in the third person and past tense. Switching from third person to first and then to second in mid-sentence is too confusing for anyone to understand. Also, don't be afraid to blatantly describe things. You don't need to encrypt every description.

To summarize, your fic is confusing and horribly underdeveloped in terms of plot and characterization. I may sound like a hypocrite saying that, but I did in fact read through the entire fic.

I do not claim to be the final arbiter of your work. If you disagree with my review, then so be it.

(Another note to Nixon, assuming he read this far- English isn't my first language. Sorry for the grammatical flaws in this review.)
>> No. 104934
File 133859163070.jpg - (144.92KB , 600x600 , the-oxford-comma-eric-edelman1[1].jpg )
104934
>>104930
>To keep it simple, never put a comma before 'and'.
Unless it's an Oxford comma or if it's in dialogue, where such rules are relaxed.
For example, the Oxford comma helps with this (there's a picture version, but I'd probably be banned for posting it):
We invited the strippers, Chairman Mao, and Nixon.
As opposed to:
We invited the strippers, Chairman Mao and Nixon.
The second one implies these two powerful political figureheads are, in fact, the strippers in question. As such, the Oxford should be used.
>> No. 104936
>>104934
Unfortunately, calling Mao a stripper would not be inaccurate. Trust me, I know (worst visit to China ever!).
>> No. 104937
>>104930
And this ties into that accessibility thing that Minty and the others discussed in their thread. Proven here, this fic is completely inaccessible to anyone unfamiliar with Homestuck.

Author: keep in mind that that may not be a bad thing, if you're aiming to write for Homestuckers.

Oh, and what >>104934 said. According to http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/020204WhenCommaBfAnd.htm you should also use a comma when following "and" with a independent clause. Be more careful about your sweeping proclamations, reviewer.
>> No. 104939
>>104937
Personally, if you don't take whatever the pre-readers and the reviewers tell you with a grain of salt, you are doing it wrong.
>> No. 104947
>>104937

I'll keep the comma thing in mind. Sorry if I offended you with my 'sweeping proclamations.'
>> No. 104948
>>104918

Dear Nixon,

Thank you for you helpful review. I am glad to know that the plot of the story is sound. As for grammar well this is my ACT ( 30+ for all subjects and then BAM terrible grammar score bringing down my average) all over again. Grammar is my biggest weakness by far. Your review is a lot like what I got from the EqD pre-reader. Great story bad grammar. I am working on getting the grammar fixed.

So thank you for the time and effort on your excellent review. Good luck with your future.

Also on a side note, a couple of suggestions for your next review thread. I just thought of a couple of people you could use.

GLaDOS
Henry Kissinger
McCarthy
Leonid Brezhnev
Lenin
Chrysalis

Thanks,
Foxy Kimchi
>> No. 104952
>>104947
I recall a while back the coterie of /fic/ was mentioning how people kept giving people wrong advice when they reviewed others and that they really hated that.

I'm quite sure it's one of them, so don't sweat it too much.
>> No. 104963
>>104952

Personally, I think I did rather well with my review considering that my first language was Japanese. Out of everything I could've gotten wrong, I doubt that an obscure rule of grammar really mattered. But this isn't a social thread. Let's cut the chit-chat and get back to writing.
>> No. 104965
>>104952
I used to advocate LUS and say that one should format with both indents and double-spaces for new paragraphs. Everyone has some blank spot or another, and we should be doing our best to help each other fill them.
>> No. 104980
>>104908
That does not work when I am editing on google docs. And even if ti does I am on a Mac using Google Chrome.
>> No. 105129
File 133869519766.gif - (156.65KB , 600x410 , Carter_Nixon_Deng.gif )
105129
>>104080
I don't know if it's Sunday wherever you are, but it's Saturday at the White House, so I guess this review is on time. Yay punctuality! You lost 0,220264317 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 2.73127753
Raw Plot Score: 8.23788546
Your Apple Score: 5.4845815
Percent Deviation from Average: about 19.3%

Warning: if you're feeling super-depressed about your grammar score, then the following text will not make you feel much better:

Please, please proofread your stuff before posting on Ponychan. I was going to compliment you on your italicized stage directions and use of the phrase "all right," but there were times when you forgot to italicize stage directions and used "alright." It hurts me to take points for these errors because I know you know better.

Let's talk compound sentences:

Simply put, a compound sentence that contains two or more clauses that could individually stand as sentences.

Nixon is a brony, but he hasn't told any of his friends.

Notice that if you replaced the comma and "but" with a period, the two formed sentences obey the rules of grammar.

Nixon is a brony. He hasn't told any of his friends.

Which way is better? It depends on what you're writing.

Be careful! Make sure your second clause stands as a sentences. For example:

Nixon got a shower, and fed Checkers. Incorrect, "fed Checkers" is not a sentence.

Nixon got a shower and fed Checkers. Correct, we are using a compound predicate.

In the first compound-sentence example, the "but" links the two sentences together. "But" is an example of a conjunction (other conjunctions include: and, as, and nor). A conjunction in a compound sentence is always, ALWAYS, preceded by a comma. If you're feeling fruity, you may replace the comma and conjunction with a semicolon, but I do not recommend doing so (in most cases). There are a few places in this text where you're going to have to replace some commas with semicolons.

Know when nouns are proper! When referring to Discord the entity, his name begins with a capital letter regardless of positioning in the sentence. When referring to a high state of entropy, only capitalize discord when it starts a sentence. You made several flaws in this category.

Plot issues:

I know I'm reading this out of order, but I see the first scene as being completely superfluous. The "great evil" the goblins were after doesn't exist. What a waste of ink! Maybe try having the goblins meet Blueblood in another way.

The motivation for the attack on Philomena was weak. The forces of the goblins is already smaller than expected, so they need a really good reason to go out of their way to attack the place.

I know that you don't use "everypony" and "anypony" in your stories, but you absolutely cannot call stallions men in your stories in the same way you cannot call bacon a dolphin or algebra a black-and-white umbrella.

Discord wasn't nearly fun enough. He shows up, vomits blood, vomits exposition, and then vomits more blood. Try to liven him up a little bit. He may be weakening, but he still is the master of chaos. At least make his dialogue witty (and while you're rhetorical question at the beginning of his monologue is good, it is not enough).

The goblin can never move out of the reach of Bluebood's sword, as Blueblood fights with magic, making the reach of his blade practically infinite.

I'll get more done soon. Stay beautiful!

Nixon
>> No. 105255
>>105129
Sentence, not sentences.
>> No. 105289
File 133878295952.jpg - (47.76KB , 320x320 , 5.jpg )
105289
Dear Mr. President,
I would be my honor it if you would review my fanfiction Lux Equestria. I'm trying to get it posted onto Equestriadaily, but I've been rejected twice. My main weaknesses are my misuses of commas and semicolons but any critiques you can give me are grealty appreciated. There is a total of 15,620 words at the moment. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15184/Lux-Equestria. Thank you.
>> No. 105310
File 133880697659.jpg - (70.44KB , 250x370 , sadcadance.jpg )
105310
Title: A Heavy Crown
Tags: Sad, Tragedy, Romance
Description: I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29008/A-Heavy-Crown
Word Count: 8,283 (so far)
Additional Comments: Sorry it's not a g-docs. I wanted to get a proper review of this before I added chapter 4 and broke the 10k word barrier. Thanks in advance.
>> No. 105321
Title: Derpyball

Tags: Comedy, Normal

Description: Ponyville is getting ready to host a Dodgeball Tournament when Gilda shows up, challenging them against her own team. As they prepare themselves, Twilight and her friends learn a surprising secret about a certain crossed-eyed mailpony. Will Ponyville be able to beat Gilda and her team? Or will they taste rubbery defeat?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uUCUuBE3YG3Cez-8_T4vyDHpbwTwoTV0R04SFe9eul4/edit

Words: 6770

Comments: This is actually a rewrite since I was attempting to do a few new things with narration, but the original wasn’t as good as it could have been. The goal was to make it as episodic as possible.
>> No. 105404
>>104786
>If you want me to score a story over the summer, just request me in the Training Grounds.
I'm a little bit new here. Might I ask what/where the Training Grounds are?
>> No. 105407
>>104786

I just read this. Does this mean you won't accept further stories? If not, then okay. I just posted this story on another reviewer for a second opinion.
>> No. 105408
File 133885762151.jpg - (22.13KB , 413x310 , ap_richard_nixon_jef_111110_main.jpg )
105408
I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for the slow review rate. Two replies and my queue:

>>105404
The Training Grounds is a review board that is not owned by any particular reviewer. You post your story there, and somepony just shows up and reviews it. Personal review threads (like this fine one you've stumbled upon here) are maintained by one reviewer, allowing you to know the quality of the review you're going to receive before you even request a review. The Training Grounds are at this link:

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/103159.html

>>105407
I will not accept stories from June 5th onward. You're within the deadline; don't sweat it. :)

Queue:
>>104640
>>104654
>>104751
>>105289 (Cool picture!)
>>105310
>>105321
>> No. 105435
File 133886157814.jpg - (221.66KB , 701x550 , reading.jpg )
105435
>>105408
Thanks for clearing that up for me. I asked because I was wondering if you would oblige me in reading the rest of my story over the summer. I am not going to update it now because I want to make the beginning as good as I can get it before I write the rest. After all, I don't know about the rest of you, but when I read a new story, I usually tend to read the beginning before I decide whether or not it's good enough to continue.
>> No. 105441
File 133886346846.png - (1.41MB , 1000x755 , words_failed_her_by_foxinshadow-mod-by-nonsanity-3-small.png )
105441
>>105408

You can take me off your queue, Sir. Heavy hangs the head, and all... :)
>> No. 105448
>>105435
Email me your story to [email protected] We'll talk more then.

>>105441
Somepony denying one of my reviews? Words fail me (I'm sorry; I had to). You have been taken off the queue. See you in September! (Assuming you still even come here then)
>> No. 105491
>>105448
Oh, I'd still be interested in your input, but I've started the EQD submission process, and that's likely to finish before you get down your queue to me. I didn't want you to get there only to find I'm already published on EQD—assuming that actually happens! :D

Can't waste the prez's time, after all. :)
>> No. 105533
>>105408
You forgot me!
My post:
>>104897
(You even replied to it)
>> No. 105694
File 133904086780.png - (4.14KB , 256x256 , waiting_room.png )
105694
(Former) President Nixon? Are you still there?
>> No. 105740
Relax, he might be busy with some real life stuff.
>> No. 105742
File 133906303187.png - (293.57KB , 850x705 , 135961 - crossover edit fluttershy humanized konata_izumi Lucky_Star rainbow_dash tsukasa_hiirag.png )
105742
>>105694
>>105740
Not might. Is.

>>104786
>> No. 105903
File 133919569334.png - (233.66KB , 340x353 , Nixon-depart.png )
105903
I'm so sorry guys, but I simply can't keep up anymore. I have summer assignments for two of my AP classes, and I'm trying to get a few scholarships. Since this king of stuff is important to my future (keeps me off the streets and whatnot), I have decided to close the thread without finishing my queue. I hope the people waiting for reviews can find some way to forgive me.

If you still want reviews (which I'm sure you do), visit MintyRest or Chocolate Milk. Mr. Milk doesn't really review; he proofreads, but his work is excellent nonetheless. In fact, Chocolate Milk inspired me to review here, so you can be confident that his work is superb. Make sure you check if Milk's queue is closed. I've read a few of MintyRest's reviews, and all of them are top-notch. Even if you don't get a review from him, check out his work. I guarantee you'll learn something.

So long Ponychan! It's been absolutely terrifying (seriously, I feared for my life on a daily basis). I will haunt the Training Grounds during my precious spare time. Ask for your story to be scored with apples, and I might do it. This September, I either return as Nixon or do reviews as Jack the Ripper instead. I request a thread lock.

May Fortune ever grace you with its smile (or some other cheesy closer to that effect),

Richard M. Nixon, (Former) President of the United States of America and not a crook.

The Top 3:
1) W.O.M.P. by John Meihaus 8.98734 apples
2) Paradise Lost by RaptorSenior 8.80 apples
3) Rainbow Typhoon, Chapter I, Second Edition 8.740950582 apples

The average story score was about 7 apples.

Nixon's Favorite: Bloodline by Jake the Army Guy (Element of Hooah) Although the plot was a little hackneyed at times, Jake is a very talented writer; this story is worth looking up.

BYE!
>> No. 105904
Yes I see the typo. Shut up; I think it's pretty.
>> No. 105912
Thread locked by request.
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