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No. 102165
>>102150
>Quick thoughts on Chapter II: I actually really liked this chapter. There were problems with grammar and plot, but I thought it was really good. You might get a high nine when you want me to review it. However, I am supposed to talk about Chapter III, so I'll cut to the chase:
Chapter 2 has a lot of problems, according to other reviewers. Though it does have some good points too. But things like making Spitfire a bit of a hard-ass won't endear the story to her fans. I'll try to keep the good bits as I merge it with the new chapter 1.
>Your low point was grammar, so let's talk grammar:
My proofreader will be coming back with scans of this and the later chapters shortly. He's DAMN good. He did wonders with chapter 1 since you read it... Which is sad because I'm now going to throw that chapter out and start from scratch.
>You opened the chapter with improper syntax for a quote. The way you wrote it, three different ponies, bipedal baby dragons, or some combination of the three would have to be talking. Speaking of which, is the "omigosh" a reference to the "Sonic Rainboom" episode? Equestria Daily pre-readers really don't like references unless you incorporate them really well. It says so in their "Editors Omnibus," which I recommend reading.
Rainbow Dash has said "oh my gosh" several times, usually when getting excited about the Wonderbolts, not just a reference to a single moment. It's just something she says when she's very excited. She also tends to separate her words when excited: "Best. Wedding. Ever!" I just mixed these two vocal traits to generate her reaction to getting her Wonderbolt uniform.
It might be better to write it like "Oh. My. Gosh!" on one line, however. I'll give that a try instead of going for special effects.
(The "What are you, a dictionary?" in chapter 2 is a meme reference. THAT will be removed.)
>Your biggest grammar error was actually a style error (it was responsible for 50% of your lost grammar points), and it was em-dash consistency. You may use em-dashes--the symbols surrounding this portion of text--to add appositives to your sentences, but be consistent. You cannot use commas sometimes and em-dashes other times to indicate appositive phrases.
So you don't agree with this: "In informal writing, em dashes may replace commas, semicolons, colons, and parentheses to indicate added emphasis, an interruption, or an abrupt change of thought." http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/dashes.asp
So by that, I use commas when a normal appositive is fine, and an em dash when I want the extra emphasis.
So I use them for phrases that could otherwise be in parenthesis, or to replace semicolons and sometime colors, which can feel too formal. As far as I can tell reading through various style guides, using them when extra emphasis is needed is correct. Can you point out one that's particularly incorrect, sir?
>"[S]ight of it..." Sight of what? Rainbow Dash is jumping, twitching her wings, and moving around. You need to be more specific here.
That IS slightly ambiguous. I'll change "it" to "herself" and it should work better.
>You ended a phrase with "of." Never do that; it's considered sloppy writing.
Absolutely right. "BAD of! Down, boy!"
>You ponified one of your words wrong. "Handful" ponified is "hoof-ful" or "hoofful." You don't say handfull, so don't say hooffull.
Agreement. New words that the spellchecker doesn't like are prime candidates for misspelling, since they are always underlined. Gotta watch them closely - or start teaching the spellchecker new words. :)
>Mayor is a common noun. In fact, all job titles (with rare exceptions) are common nouns. This means that the only time mayor should be capitalized is when it starts a sentence. In other words, mayor is not proper.
I actually looked that up, but I'm finding there's a lot of WRONG grammar advice on the internet. :( Corrected.
>You forgot to italicize Rainbow Dash's thoughts once.
I'm trying to find that one. Best I could find was "How can it be gone before it even began?" which is her thought, but not something she's actively thinking in words. She's a bit beyond thinking in words at that moment. The line is just a narrative comment of her state of mind, a question that she's feeling, if not exactly spending time to put into words.
>It is clearly stated in "Bridle Gossip" that weather does not happen on its own in Equestria. The way you wrote this chapter, you made it feel as if weather is only tamed by ponies, not made. The inverse is shown to be true in "Sonic Rainboom" and "Hurricane Fluttershy," where snowflakes must be made and water must be drained from lakes via tornado.
It's established that the weather in the Everfree Forest operates on its own. It also stands to reason that weather out over the oceans, where hurricanes form, is likewise unmonitored. I imagine that such uncontrolled weather doesn't matter much to Equestrain natives unless it starts to move into pony territory, where it would be quickly taken care of, if possible. Hurricanes being very mobile storms, I thought they would make a good antagonist for a story - A storm too big to control coming in from outside. I chose to make them very rare, so either the trade winds protect pony-occupied lands, or they just don't form that often.
>The mayor of Manehattan changed genders. My lawyer has advised me to stay silent on my views about the matter, but I think you just typed an "s" by accident, right?
I couldn't find this, but there was a line of Spitfire's that you might have thought was the mayor. I changed that pronoun to her name for clarity.
>You didn't lose any points for this, as this statement is subjective and you have a few more chapters to do it, but I feel that you haven't developed Lightning much as a character. The only thing I really know about him is his name.
The Wonderbolts don't appear in chapters 4-6, and chapter 7 - the climax - is also free of them so far. After that, they were going to come back in for the wrap-up of the story. But this is mainly Dash's tale. I think I need to focus on her interactions with just one of the Wonderbolts, and Soarin seems to be the favorite.
So, I'll probably be removing Lightning from the story, substituting Soarin for his few random lines as needed. He was really just another voice to put in the scene where she bumps into Soarin again in Chapter 2. But some of that's going to change, so I may not even need him. (Which is slightly sad, because in my head he's a sort of fun test-pilot-like character, laid-back and wisecracking.)
>I'll be honest: I really expected to not like this story before reading it. Now, it is among my favorites--you've captured the spirit of My Little Pony well. This just goes to show that you can't judge a story by its...thread post. Good job! I'm excited to read what you have next!
I've been told chapter 3 and onward is much better than 1 and 2, which is why I'm now going to re-write them. Seems it took me a few chapters to find my voice after 20 years of not writing fiction. :)
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