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File 133644817116.jpg - (16.83KB , 300x294 , President-Nixon-talks-about-Vietnam-War.jpg )
101428 No. 101428
#Reviewer #Discussion #Presidential
Greetings fellow bronies and brothers in democracy! I am Richard M. Nixon, (former) President of the United States of America. As president, I was a man of firsts. I was first to open diplomatic relations with China (that’s right, you can thank me for ninety percent of the plastic in your home), to make charming home videos about my work in Congress, and to resign the office of president (I didn’t want to be president anyway). Today, I would like all non-Communist brony fan-fiction writers to experience my next first: the first review thread with an objective scoring system.

The units are apples, as IMDB stole my idea for stars (Plus, Applejack had a lot of extra apples lying about).

For information on how scores are calculated, go here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PUSHBP3Rca3y6fWCuOkkiHKo6TWXKbJhrFIMCXlEZzI/edit

Here is how you may interpret each score:

10 apples: Your work rivals the toils Jonathan Swift, the very first writer of pony fan-fiction.
9 apples: Some very excellent work, consider posting to Equestria Daily
8 apples: You are near perfection; a little bit more effort will make your story wonderful.
7 apples: A very good story, two or three more rounds of editing will make your story something special.
6 apples: The story was okay and might draw a crowd on FIMFiction.
5 apples: Start editing! Your story is unacceptable for publication. Consider visiting me again later.
4 apples: Your story is bad. Very, very bad. Rework it.
3 apples: At this point, I do not feel comfortable calling your work a story so much as a clump of words.
2 apples: Terrible. You may want to consider a total re-imagination of your story.
1 apple: Your story is that of legend. It is so porous with plot-holes that your story has actually been approved by the Coast Guard as a floatation device. Editors have to keep a book of classic literature close by when they read the story to restore any lost intelligence after reading the mangled meshes of words. Edit like crazy; you need it.

Did you enjoy that list? Here’s another:

Rules:

1)Shipping is fine, but absolutely no pony procreating. I was president while the hippies were around, so I’ve seen enough weird stuff in this genre to last a lifetime.
2)For the purposes of my scoring system, I need your word count.
3)I am not a crook, so you shouldn’t be on either. Please do not plagiarize.
4)I believe disagreements on this thread should be conducted in peace with honor. If you disagree on any of my points, kindly tell me what the problem was (although the silent majority that always agrees with me will be quietly mocking you).
5)As soon as you receive a one apple rating, I stop reading and force you to edit it before I look again. No exceptions.
6)Please allow three days for a response to your story. I’m a busy retired president, and I take my time in reading your story (I don’t want to miss anything).
7) I was never on the television show Futurama. Do not ask me about it or post "haroo!" in the thread. My Secret Service men will find you.

Eagerly awaiting your story,

Richard M. Nixon, (Former) President of the United States of America
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 101430
File 133644954657.png - (1.67MB , 900x1286 , ParadiseLost.png )
101430
While I hate to burden others, I'm still weary as to the state of my current fic, Paradise Lost.
Please review the Prelude and Chapter 1

[Title] Paradise Lost
[Author] RaptorSenior
[Tags] Dark, Alternate Timeline

[Synop] A lie begets a lie, and the world is protected by one. Five thousand years have passed since the Rebirth. The world is now guided by a secret society known as Uprising that lives in the shadows beneath Canterlot. This is the story of Jazz, a soon-to-be Uprising Guide, as he is charged with protecting Twilight Sparkle from an unknown threat that attempts to wipe out the entire world.

[Links]
Prelude: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17961/1/Paradise-Lost/Prelude%3A-A-Beautiful-Sonnet

Piece 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INqdfML9YeVWzU8BjQg7zkSjGurxLXSeSRK8UaDNgUo/edit

[Additional Notes] Please be thorough. There are some other reviewers comments in the GDoc of Piece 1. They are just some of the things I haven't worked on yet. Don't worry, there are only a few.
>> No. 101435
File 133645116428.png - (624.05KB , 1088x786 , stormy-dash.png )
101435
Mr. President, while not as exciting as your phone call to the moon, I humbly present my latest (read: first) work of fan fiction. Be harsh, sir.

Rainbow Typhoon
[Adventure]
Rainbow Dash... Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal. Her one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt, and with a little help from a hurricane, her fondest wish may come true. But storms are unpredictable, and a monster of a storm is the most unpredictable of all - and the most dangerous. The plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane, and Rainbow Dash may end up facing far more than she can handle.

How far can you push a Rainbow?


GDOC: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon
FIMF: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22148/Rainbow-Typhoon

::double-peace-sign::
>> No. 101444
File 133645315638.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
101444
"To Make a Souffle, You Need to break a Few Eggs."
Nuki Mouse
[Comedy] [Slice of Life]
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash was just looking for a nice easy day off enjoying her favorite pastime, cloud napping, when she got wrangled into cooking a dessert for Twilight’s dinner party.
Unfortunately not only can Dash not cook, but she has no idea what a souffle even is.

When the only pony Dash can turned to for help is Pinkie Pie, will either her sanity or body survive Pinkie’s aid?

On Google Docs, 4170 words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10oFLCC8d_VpkHMq1yc2b1MrCDVdfvODTzUVb1oa6_eo/edit#
-or-
http://tinyurl.com/6so3o2f

This is my third major rewrite and I hope to be my last. Minty Rest has been proofreading for me mainly for plot holes and characterization and been very helpfull. However I do want to submit this to EQD, so i'd like to see what score you give it.

Thanks Mr President, Nuki Mouse
>> No. 101471
Mr. President, sir! It would be an honor to be reviewed by my (former) Commander-in-Chief.

Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit

I'm planning to submit to EqD sometime this week. This will be Round Two, so please don't spare the critical eye.
>> No. 101481
File 133648022613.jpg - (7.48KB , 191x264 , imgres.jpg )
101481
Thank you to everyone who posted! I plan on doing all the stories in my thread today, so all of you can expect a review. Some of you forgot to give me a word count, so I will simply take off 0.25 point for every error made.

Thanks again guys,

Nixon

Queue:
>>101430
>>101435
>>101444
>>101471
>> No. 101483
Sir, that was not in my instructions. However, I will obey the orders of the officers appointed over me according to regulations and the Uniform Code of military Justice. I accept my punishment.
>> No. 101486
>>101435
>>101481
The word count for Rainbow Typhoon depends on just how far you want to read it. FimFiction says the whole things is a tad over 20k words so far. But if you only want to tackle a chapter or two, they run between 2.5k–4k each.

I didn't want to overwhelm you with a novella-length incomplete work! :)
>> No. 101487
File 133648565213.jpg - (46.72KB , 333x425 , Nixon-Spiders-Web333.jpg )
101487
I found a word count! You lost 0.12 points per error. Before I go into any specifics, here is your "report card" so to speak.
Raw Grammar Score: 8.68
Raw Plot Score: 8.92
Apple Score: 9.44442
Percent Deviation from Average: 0% (Right now, you're the average)

Congratulate yourself on a job well done! As you can see from the numbers, most of your problems were with grammar, so I'll start with those:

Your most frequent error was the use of pseudo-word "alright." You mean "all right." Only use alright in conversational settings, like Facebook.

When Diamondback says he is not weak, you didn't follow accepted syntax. When you want somepony to talk this way, say "I. Am. Not. Weak." By convention, most writers have agreed upon this format.

When you said "Day Break...master, but soon realized..." you added an unnecessary comma, as commas don't go into compound predicates. The "but" and comma were unnecessary in "...but to no avail." (In context, of course)

"The under armor..." Their under armor.

When Arrows is about to say "If I do say so myself" but gets cut off, you should have used an em-dash instead of an ellipsis.

Diamondback should have not said "incorrigible fool." Arrows had just said fool, so you're being redundant here is what you're being. (A joke! I'm funny! LAUGH!)

You're doing a little too much showing and not enough telling. The part where Diamondback has a conversation with Arrows as he is suffocating him is just plain unrealistic. Start telling a little more.

"S smile..." Random "S." -0.12 grammar points.

Now for your plot errors:

Diamondback's evil laugh is unnecessary. I understand that he's the antagonist.

Arrows only moved a stand to block the door? They have a battering ram, so I don't think it will provide much protection. He could have just sealed the door magically.

Diamondback hating his name because his father had it is a plot element ruined by J.K. Rowling. Sorry.

A sonnet is a term used to specifically describe poetry, not fan-fiction.

I didn't like how you said "burst of magic." The magic is almost like an aura, not a flash (You didn't lose any points for this compliant, as it is purely subjective).

I know what the sticky says, but I think you should have another round of editing before sending your story to Equestria Daily. My scoring system is new, so some errors must be expected.

I'll start on Part II after lunch. Good job!

Nixon
>> No. 101489
File 133648598494.jpg - (21.02KB , 500x342 , richard-nixon-scarface.jpg )
101489
>>101483
I know people don't believe much because of that whole Watergate thing (how important is government information to you people anyway?), but I did ask for a word count. I refer you to rule two.

>>101486
I'll do a chapter a day. Today, you'll lose 0.25 points per error. Thanks!
>> No. 101491
As ordered, sir!

Each chapter is a little over 3,000 words, so around 10-11,000 total. I'd like you to read the whole thing, but however long you make it is fine.
>> No. 101497
Mr. President, as a humble, Canadian, non-Communist ally to the United States of America, I request your amazing insight on a fanfic of mine that is long. Very long. So far.

Title: The Apple Spectrum
Tags: [Romance][Adventure][Slice of Life]
Author: Mr. Masato/Arby Works
Synopsis: A story of competition, friendship, rivalry and love. Rainbow Dash is thrown into the Market Harvest; a farming competition in which she aids Applejack and the Sweet Apple Acres team. Sacrificing some of her own time, Rainbow Dash does her best to support her friend in her time of need as a living model for the Sweet Apple Acres advertisement campaign: The Apple Spectrum!
Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7529/The-Apple-Spectrum
Word Count: 86,312

Feel free to reject if you want, feel free to be harsh, every bit counts in terms of improving the quality of author and fanfic.
>> No. 101501
File 133649100830.png - (2.38MB , 1822x1139 , Heart Of Scales.png )
101501
Title: Heart of Scales
Tags: [Shipping][Angst]
Author: LordPlagus777
Description: Rarity chooses Spike to accompany her to Canterlot for the Canterlot Fashion Show as her personal assistant. Not wanting to fail Rarity, Spike gives it his all to help make her dreams a reality. However, he is forced to come to terms with the fact that Rarity would not be able to return the feelings he had for her. Unable to bear the thought of not knowing, he finally puts everything on the line and confesses his feelings to Rarity on the night of the Fashion Show in hopes to find out exactly what he was to her. After a series of events, Spike returns to Ponyville, having left his old self behind. Different, changed, unrecognizable among his 'new' friends. A dormant beast inside begins to stir. Spike must overcome his inner discord to save his friends, himself, and truly find the love that his heart desires or let everything fall to ruin.
Word Count: 32,829 (Currently 6 Chapters)
Status: Incomplete
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8287/Heart-of-Scales
GDocs: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B09JeMPTfTr0UFhIWTNRdUo2N1k

Chapters 2 - 3 Currently being reviewed by "Chocolate Milk"

I've edited it a few times personally and I'm pretty sure I've missed some errors. I'm pretty confident in my plot, however. Thank you for your services.
>> No. 101503
File 133649218640.jpg - (26.27KB , 475x321 , Richard-Nixon-had-a-Gay-Affair.jpg )
101503
Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 6.75
Raw Plot Score: 8.50
Apple Score: 8.79361

Your grammar was, once again, your weak point. Here is a sampling of errors:

You forgot some commas; in general, use commas to:
Create a list (commas after every item but the last)
Make a compound sentence (more than one independent clause)
Make a complex sentence when the dependent clause is before the independent clause
Make a compound-complex sentence (more than one independent clause with a dependent clause)
Separate adjectives
Indicate a pause.

You were not consistent with formatting. Your breaks were sometimes asterisks and sometimes dashes. Speaking of dashes, you typed the em-dash three different ways! I don't care which way you do it, but do it one way.

In some places, you forgot to give possessive nouns objects or left out a direct object that clearly belonged somewhere.

Plot issues:

Jazz holding an ice pack to himself makes no sense. How do horses do that?

You're too terse at times. I don't even know what Nox looks like or where it is in relation to Ponyville. I understand that this may be described later, but a little description would have been nice.

Why are most of the ponies bigots? Arrows designed Equestria to be perfect, but yet there are such basic problems with pony society. In addition, why are talents like deception accepted in a "perfect" world?

You said so yourself, but the scene where Jazz gets sent to Twilight is very rushed.

Get back to work! You need a little bit more editing before I can say that this story is Equestria Daily material. If you want me to read again, feel free to re-post.

Pleasure reading your work,

Nixon
>> No. 101505
File 133649256733.jpg - (42.26KB , 198x240 , nixon.jpg )
101505
Just finished reviewing Paradise Lost, so feel free to take a look, Mister RaptorSenior

I will begin reviewing again after a short half-hour break.

Queue:
Today:
>>101435 (Chapter One)
>>101444
>>101471
Tomorrow:
>>101435 (Chapter Two)
>>101497
>>101501

Nixon
>> No. 101518
Hm. I knew there were some things that were... off. So, I'll get to work right away (or as soon as I finish the first chapter of another fic of mine). I plan to add a pit more in terms of Knell's character and I'm going to change Jazz a bit so he's less whiny and more 'acceptance of being alone.'

>Why are most of the ponies bigots?

Because Nox doesn't run the way Equestria does, though it's located in it. I will explain later in the story, but to prove my case I'll tell you this: Nox is an underground city, located in the abandoned caves beneath Canterlot. It's run by Uprising, not Celestia or Luna, though they act as Uprising's consultants. Therefore, Uprising doesn't have the same value of unification. There, unicorns are the ones who run the place and are the populace, except for Jazz. Jazz got into Uprising by way of his father, an Earth pony as well. However, his father died whilst on a task given to him by Princess Luna. The only way he is able to survive is because Knell is his teacher. So, there. Nox has bigotry because it doesn't run the way Equestria does.

>why are talents like deception accepted in a "perfect" world?

Because Guides (the basic workers of Uprising) must be able to trick and deceive those whom they are watching over in order to put them on the path that the Redeemer's Journal (the book Skyward wrote that remade the world) has set for them.

Anyway, that's my defense of your questions. Thanks for the review! I'll take care of the problems you mentioned and improve the plot devices I used.
>> No. 101520
File 133649757734.jpg - (26.15KB , 460x276 , nixon460.jpg )
101520
>>101518
Thanks for replying.

I've changed the scoring system, as it does not accurately represent reader opinion. Here are your new scores:

Raw Scores are the same.
Apple Score for Prelude: 8.80
Apple Score for Piece one: 7.625
Percent Deviation from Average for Piece One: 7.1%
>> No. 101523
Name: Easy Flier
Tags: Adventure, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Scootaloo had a fun filled fillyhood in Ponyville with her friends trying to earn their cutie marks. Now seventeen, Scootaloo, still without a cutie mark, is being pressured by her parents into a future she doesn't want. What will it take for her to find her calling? What adventures will she face? What places will she go? What ponies will she meet?
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GeMkp84iga3Jooz_sK8Jpt9GfrBHmWxYnleuADtnNMw/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BQXx_e-ZWt7NzNn0LqhBner83paAIgF7F6guDerYgyU/edit

I've been told I try to hard to be dramatic and need to focus on flow and word choice. And I still have too much tell. These are the things I heard from the EQD prereader. I have one more shot and I wanna make it a good one. Thanks you in advance for the help!
>> No. 101524
edit:
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15508/Easy-Flier
>> No. 101526
File 133649939479.jpg - (22.13KB , 413x310 , ap_richard_nixon_jef_111110_main.jpg )
101526
>>101435
You lost 0.37327 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 8.50692
Raw Plot Score: 7.75992
Apple Score: 7.94656 apples
Percent Deviation from Average: 2.2%

Your grammar was pristine for the most part. The main issues were plot-based:

You need to make clear in the beginning that all of the Mane Six are with Rainbow Dash. As it reads now, it is confusing. I had to read several times until I knew they were in Ponyville. Be explicit when it comes to exposition.

It makes no sense that the Wonderbolts didn't know about the hurricane, as weather is scheduled in Ponyville.

The Wonderbolts are the most talented fliers in all of Equestria, so they should have done something to help Rainbow Dash when that pole was about to crush everypony.

Dash becoming a permanent Wonderbolt meaning she will never talk to her friends again makes no sense, as she is the element of loyalty. If she wouldn't leave her friends for the Shadowbolts, she shouldn't leave her friends for the Wonderbolts.

Stop! Grammar time:

The first paragraph of your story has a past-tense feel to it, so the reader is initially confused when you begin to write in the present tense.

"...in person..." You mean "in pony."

You used the pseudo-word "alright" twice. Always use "all right" when writing. The other form is never correct, ever. Only use "alright" when texting or while on Facebook.

Good job and keep writing!

Nixon

I'm sorry, but looks like I'm done for today (LBJ and I are going to test the limits of the Constitution again). I promise to get the rest of you late tonight or tomorrow (my time). Probably.

Thanks everyone for letting me read your work!

Nixon.

The Leader Board:
1) Paradise Lost, Prologue; 8.80 apples
2) Rainbow Typhoon, Chapter One; 7.94656 apples
3) Paradise Lost, Piece One; 7.625
>> No. 101528
>>101505
Mr. President, sir. Will you be reviewing all of my chapters as well?
>> No. 101534
File 133650353956.jpg - (98.97KB , 600x316 , nixon%20full.jpg )
101534
>>101528
You betcha! I'm just a little slow. After all, I am ninety-nine years old. You will get at least chapter one done tomorrow. I give my word as president (which doesn't mean much, as I gave office to that sissy Ford).
>> No. 101538
>>101524
Word count is on the page, but it about 6k. Sorry for not getting everything right the first time...
>> No. 101540
>>101526
Thank you very much, Mr. President. Great finds that have already improved my story.

I've tweeked the opening paragraph to address the establishing facts of the mane six being present, that they are in Ponyville, and removed the past-tense feel. (I had left that there as a sort of lead up to the "now", but it DOES read better all in present tense. Thanks.)

>That her words, "It's not that windy," were immediately followed by her multi-colored tail blowing around to slap her in the face doesn't phase the excited Rainbow Dash one bit as she and her friends walk towards the Ponyville stands where the Wonderbolts are soon to perform. "They can handle a bit of wind."

It's a long sentence - now a word or three longer still - but breaking it up still doesn't seem as smooth as keeping this monster whole. :)

I've added a bit to Twilight's expository statements to show that the hurricane is still a day or two away, and that the current winds aren't too surprising. But with that emphasis on "too" to suggest they are at least a little surprising - and to make the fact of Wonderbolts not canceling the show more plausible.

You're right about the Wonderbolts being absent from the rescue. (Almost as bad as Celestia not being on the stage all of a sudden when Chrysalis has her reveal. Man, that still bugs me). So I'm adding a bit describing them being busy on the field as Dash tries to stop the falling pole. I think her catch was fast enough, and with her in exactly the right place, that a lack of Wonderbolt involvement there is no problem.

>Even as the other Wonderbolts complete the abort of their routine and escape out from between the slaloms below, she swings around under the pole and impacts it hard with her shoulder, stopping its fall and sending a tremor through the wood.[/i]

That should leave them believably disentangling themselves from the complicated stunt while she does part two of her rescue.

"...seeing them in person..." not being "pony" enough, and
"...seeing them in pony..." just being downright icky, I went with
"...seeing them performed live..." as the best alternative. :)

It also fits better with "routines" being the subject.

Alright, I changed all the allrights to all right, so now they should be all right, alright? :D

As for her friends being afraid she's possibly gone for good - Well, she's not, is she? She knows it's just for one show, so her own sense of loyalty isn't triggered at all. The story only records her friends' concern at a possible future.

Because I had the same thought when I got to this point in the story as they did: How could she EVER become a permanent member of the Wonderbolts' traveling show when she's one of the Elements of Harmony?

A possible resolution to that will be in the final chapters of this story, but for now I just wanted to plant the question in the reader's mind, even if it doesn't quite apply here... yet. :)

Thanks again, Mr. President. If you run for re-election, I'll seriously consider maybe possibly sorta voting for someone much like you. :)
>> No. 101543
>>101534
Thank you sir! Just so you know, both my parents voted for you at least once.
>> No. 101669
The librarian is threatening to throw me out, so I'll be succinct:

The queue is closed until I get some of you good people reviews. Nuki Mouse and Jake the Army Guy should expect reviews today.

Stay Beautiful!

Nixon
>> No. 101718
File 133659364099.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
101718
I glad you are going to review my story, Mr President.
I just enabled the comments feature on GDocs for that story if that will help with your review.
>> No. 101783
File 133661809219.jpg - (16.28KB , 180x274 , 373401_140571849336930_60335928_n.jpg )
101783
>>101444
Thanks for being so patient! You lost 0.239808 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 0.656315
Raw Plot Score: 9.76019
Your Apple Score: 5.20825
Percent Deviation from Average: 70.4298%

Your plot was my favorite of all the stories I read this far, but your grammar ultimately condemns your story to its low rating. So, let's talk grammar:

You can make a compound sentence without a conjunction. All you have to do is use a semicolon. I do not recommend using a semicolon because it makes you look pretentious and gives the story a very strange flow. You used commas instead of semicolons, which is not allowed. If you don't want to include the conjunction, just write two sentences; your life will be much easier. (See how awkward?)

Sometimes you would write huge run-ons. If you're not sure if your comma usage is right, try using shorter sentences. You'll get your point across better that way.

You forgot periods a couple of times. They are always necessary.

Other grammar errors I assume were just typos, like making Random words start With Capital Letters. Do a little self-editing before posting somewhere. If somebody else did look at this, then they really didn't pay much attention to grammar.

Onward to plot!

I was only able to find one plot-hole. When Dash finds the souffle book, she fans the pages, so she should have seen the souffle recipes and not have reacted the way she did.

You did not lose points for the following comments, as they are subjective:

I said shipping was allowed, so I won't complain too much, but I did not expect the PinkieDash. Give readers some kind of warning.

The argument about hide-and-seek was, for my tastes, a little too long, but this story is yours and my opinion is not popular, so you can ignore this comment entirely if you disagree.

Pleasure reading your work,

Nixon
>> No. 101787
File 133661969978.gif - (933.87KB , 500x281 , sYYgS.gif )
101787
>>101783
>7) I was never on the television show Futurama. Do not ask me about it or post "haroo!" in the thread. My Secret Service men will find you.
>Posts Futurama pic
HAROOHAROOHAROOHAROO.
>> No. 101793
File 133662283807.jpg - (22.84KB , 350x340 , nixon-victory-sign.jpg )
101793
Your patience does you credit sir. You lost 0.333333 (1/3) points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 8
Raw Plot Score: 9.33333333 (9+1/3)
Your Apple Score: 8.666666666
Percent Deviation from Average: 13%

You are a very talented writer, but you seem to have a problem with compound predicates (as do most people on this board). Let's review:

A compound predicate is when your subject does two two things in a sentence without mentioning him twice. For example:

I am not a crook and loyal to my country.

I, Richard Nixon, am doing two things. I am not being a crook, and I am being loyal to my country. Here's a quick tip: check to see if the portion of your sentence after the conjunction has a subject. If it does, you need a comma. If not, don't put one in. Don't feel bad about not knowing this--every story I've looked at on this board has made that mistake at least once.

When you type a title, only the major words and the first letter of your title are capitalized. For example:

Nixon In China=WRONG

Nixon in China=Good!

While you are a talented writer, you can sometimes go a little overboard. Like when you said "thousand-year stare." That was pretty corny. Also, you used a colloquialism. I thought you were going for a formal tone, so I took points for it.

All right-y then, plot time!

The one thing I found really annoying was Schaffer and Barlow coming up with a plan right on the fly. I know that they didn't know exactly what to expect, but I think they should have done a little more planning then just practicing their sign language in front of the door. They might have been able to save the boy if they had formed a plan instead of laying out exposition! This brings me to my next point:

Your showing too much and not telling enough. You basically have Schaffer and Barlow do the narration for you at the beginning. As a narrator, you are allowed to narrate, so don't be afraid to come out and tell us stuff!

Here's a warning: HiE stories can quickly become hackneyed, as mny people write HiE. Be very, very careful.

I really like this story. Keep up the good work!

Nixon
>> No. 101795
File 133662303083.jpg - (26.27KB , 475x321 , Richard-Nixon-had-a-Gay-Affair.jpg )
101795
>>101787
It's different for me because...it is. Shut up and get out before my Secret Service men do to you what they did to Kennedy after that jerk beat me in the elections!
>> No. 101796
File 133662357753.png - (179.51KB , 512x380 , image[3].png )
101796
I'm re-opening the queue tomorrow, and these people can expect reviews:

>>101497
>>101501

The Leader Board:
1) Paradise Lost, Prologue; 8.80 apples
2) Bloodline, Chapter One; 8.66666666 apples
3) Rainbow Typhoon, Chapter One; 7.94646 apples

Thanks so much guys for posting here. I never expected the thread to be this popular.

Vote Nixon!

Nixon
>> No. 101797
File 133662387870.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
101797
>>101783
Thanks for the help. Sorry about starting to clear out your comments before you finished your proofreading. I didn't realize that you used them to keep track of the score.

I realized already that I use too many commas in my writing. I just didn't realized it was that bad. Maybe I was just paddling down a river in Egypt.

I removed most of the ones you pointed out and replaced them with periods. I only used a couple of semi-colons, and only where a conjunction or 2 short fragmentary sentences just didn't work. A few others I rewrote to use conjunctions.

Sorry I also missed those other errors, that was sheer oversight on my part. I should have seen them myself. Thanks for pointing them out.

I'm gald you liked the plot. With all those grammarical errors you found, I thought I was going to end up with a negitive score.

That one plot hole you pointed out, I'm not sure that it is one. Dash doesn't know what a souffle looks like, nor is she familar with cookbooks. I had pictured her frantically looking for a piece of paper with the recipe written on it. It wasn't until Pinkie refered directly to the book that Dash actually realized it was a cookbook. I might have to rethink that part.

The shipping was so mild, really just a couple of "dirty" thoughts on Dash's part, done mostly for humor, that I didn't think I need to mark as a PinkieDash. I will place a mild warning about it in the summery when I post this story.

BTW, the whole "hide and seek" part used to be much longer, I've pared it down several times already, but I will look at it one more time about shortening it again.
>> No. 101834
>>101793
Thank you, sir.

As for the hand signals, that only takes a few seconds. I've done this before in Iraq. Clearing a building needs to be done fast one you're inside. Hand gestures like that take like five seconds, maybe. Since they're both seasoned Detectives, I figured it'd be okay.

I had no idea about compound predicate. Darn my post-high school brain dump.

Thank you again! Any idea when you can get to the other chapters? No rush, I know you're busy with that whole Vietnam thing.
>> No. 101861
>>101793
>>101834
Mr. President, Jake, please forgive me for intruding on your discussion, but I could not help noticing the following:
>While you are a talented writer, you can sometimes go a little overboard. Like when you said "thousand-year stare." That was pretty corny. Also, you used a colloquialism. I thought you were going for a formal tone, so I took points for it.

I'm unfamiliar with the notion of a "thousand-year stare", but a "thousand-yard stare" is noteworthy enough to make it into Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand-yard_stare
Might this be what was intended? Depending on the context, it's a phrase I might find evocative rather than corny.
>> No. 101866
>>101861
Yes, that was the intent. Barlow is a somewhat haunted man when it comes to Pomeroy. So I figured hat would be effective. I changed it in the doc. You can read it and lemme know what you think if you don't mind.

But, I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So whatever y'all think works best.
>> No. 101880
File 133667972233.png - (179.51KB , 512x380 , image[3].png )
101880
>>101797
Glad I could help! I would like to defend that you actually wrote a plot hole: While Rainbow Dash doesn't know what a souffle looks like, the word "souffle" would have to show up quite a few times to merit its appearance in the title. Fanning through the pages, Dash would have seen the word and reacted differently. You can keep it because of the Rule of Funny, but you still lose points because the Rule of Funny is a little too subjective to support an argument.

Thanks so much for posting!

Nixon
>> No. 101884
File 133668092186.jpg - (60.35KB , 800x552 , nixon_now.jpg )
101884
>>101834
My biggest experience with war is some mess LBJ left me with, so I believe you if you say hand signals are how people operate in these conditions.

I'll do any chapters you post in link format on my thread (I thought this was the only chapter you had done). As soon as you post your next chapter, I'll take a look at it after I look at Chapter Two of Rainbow Typhoon (Nonsanity, if you're reading this, expect that review on Saturday).

Do you say Vietnam!? I deny all knowledge of bombing Cambodia! All troops were sent home with the greatest speed possible as soon as I took office! Leave me alone!

With eager anticipation for your next chapter,

Nixon
>> No. 101886
File 133668205783.png - (305.83KB , 372x566 , Ike_Dick.png )
101886
>>101861
Fascinating! I'm afraid that the bright young soldier Jake used improper terminology if this was what he was going for, so my deduction still stands.
>> No. 101887
File 133668261401.jpg - (84.32KB , 800x529 , Nixon_and_Zhou_toast.jpg )
101887
1) Kill Kennedy and make it look like the mob did it.

2) Maybe pull those troops out of Vietnam like I promised when elected.

3) Review some stories.

The queue is officially open!

Queue:
>>101497
>>101501
>>101435 (Chapter Two, if I can get to it.)
>> No. 101889
Hey there, I'd like if you could proofread my story:

Title: Rarity's Bad Mane Day
Tags:Comedy, Slice of Life

Summary: Sweetie Belle pulls a prank on her sister, but a good laugh is not the only thing she wanted.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D_RG4RxCBpoeuWKFcIvyXBHKnUhZykpha4s_UUvDnQg/edit

I hope for an answer!
>> No. 101890
>>101884
Okay! Post dump in 3...2...1...

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

Chapter One synopsis: Strange things happen across Equestria, and a new pony makes a friend. ( I feel this is my worst chapter, as far as Show, Don't Tell. Please help.)
Word count: 3,200-ish
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18G8u6bwqUeiW8VIH1YGJxBwdCWc-PEnWmtB00qi0ziI/mobilebasic

Chapter Two synopsis: Barlow awakens in a strange forest and encounters the local wildlife.
Word Count: 3,000-ish
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BlBrt7kueWi5KHs1RiDrFB8fAKa6zU0xEVRiW-SinUw/mobilebasic

Chapter Three synopsis: twilight and her friends host a field trip at Fluttershy's cottage, and bad things happen.
Word Count: 2,900-ish

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iklATEf7vLfytY9UhJ4EIWk9rh0r9zMHU0SMGfdLK_s/mobilebasic
>> No. 101901
File 133669092078.jpg - (77.02KB , 800x547 , Elvis-nixon.jpg )
101901
>>101497
Sorry for the delay! You lost 0.212089 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 2.57689
Raw Plot Score: 8.72747
Your Apple Score: 5.65218
Percent Deviation from Average: 22.7%

Your grammar was, in all honesty, okay. You just made the similar errors enough times to get a low score. Your most common mistake: semicolon usage.

Only use semicolons to:
Write a compound or compound-complex sentence when you're too lazy to type a conjunction
Separate listed items that have internal punctuation.
Create a compound or compound-complex sentence in which the second half has punctuation besides a period, exclamation point, or question mark.
Show that you've been to college

Semicolons promote strange sentence flow. I don't recommend using them, as they just make sentences sound weird.

You made some things proper that shouldn't have been. For example, the name of Twilight's library is not "Library," so you cannot get away with capitalizing this.

Another error that showed up a few times was improper construction of compound sentences. They always follow either one of these two formulas:

1) independent clause + comma + conjunction + independent clause

2) independent clause + semicolon + independent clause

You forgot an apostrophe and indent. These errors are a result of lazy proofreading. Send your story to ChocolateMilk's Pure Pony Proofreading for help with these errors. Another thing Mr. Milk will help you with is redundancy is another thing Mr. Milk will help you with, as you were a little redundant sometimes.

Don't worry. The plot portion is much shorter:

"Twilight 's magic does wonders." You confused me here. Did they teleport, or did Twilight bend the fabric of space and time to reach the library faster? If the latter, you have fallen out of canon, as Twilight would have used her amazing space-bending powers to assist her in the show.

Dash's yawning. I took off points for un-creative writing. I understand that you were trying to say that she was tired, but yawning is only one symbol of drowsiness. Try using droopy eyes or a pounding headache. Let me know how it feels to be Rainbow Dash at the moment.

I don't understand why Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie made an appearance this chapter.

You're too terse, especially about this huge contest coming up. I don't know where the contest is being held or even how big the contest is! In addition, Applejack told me too much about the contest. You, the narrator, should have done most of the talking here. This issue is usually labeled by Equestria Daily as "show, don't tell." In this case, it's "tell, don't show (as much)."

Go edit it up and post it here if you're in the mood for more of my insane musings.

Nice meeting you,

Nixon
>> No. 101917
File 133669541417.jpg - (88.38KB , 528x599 , Nixon_leaving_whitehouse.jpg )
101917
>>101501

You didn't think I'd get to you, did you? Well, I did! You lost 0.25 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 5
Raw Plot Score: 9.75
Apple Score: 7.375
Percent Deviation from Average: 0.685%

I've been noticing a trend: really high plot scores with pretty terrible grammar scores. It speaks to the level of talent in the authors I'm scoring. If you guys could only improve your grammar, you could all be on Equestria Daily. Way to go guys, I'm impressed.

Speaking of impressed, LordPlagus777, way to go for writing a plot that was almost airtight. You made a small canon goof, as you said Rarity would not be nervous while being judged by Canterlot nobility. The inverse has been shown to be true in "Green is not Your Color" and "Suited for Success."

However, your grammar condemned you to the lower sevens:

When creating a compound or compound-complex sentence in which the portion after the conjunction has internal punctuation, you must separate the clauses with a semicolon instead of a comma. For example:

Nixon was president during a tumultuous time; and when sissy Ford took office from Nixon, he almost ruined everything America stood for.

You put some commas in some places where they had no right being. Only use commas to:
Write a compound or compound-complex sentence
Separate items in a list
Write an address without breaking it from the rest of the text
Separate adjectives
Indicating an appositive phrase

You were redundant is a thing you were sometimes. Like when you said "to hang out or spend time." Both of these mean the same thing, so it's like saying saying the same word twice.

A couple of times, you tried to let a dependent clause stand as an independent clause. I'll assume this was the by-product of improper proofreading. I will do the same with some commas that were supposed to be semicolons.

Work your grammar out, and you'll have something really great on your hands.

Awaiting your reply,

Nixon
>> No. 101920
File 133669618591.png - (233.66KB , 340x353 , Nixon-depart.png )
101920
All right! I'm leaving for today.

The Leader Board:

1) Paradise Lost, Prologue; 8.80 apples
2) Bloodline, Chapter One; 8.66666666 apples
3) Rainbow Typhoon, Chapter One; 7.94646 apples

Queue:
>>101435
>>101523
>>101890
>>101889

Tomorrow is going to be a looooong day.

Vote Nixon 2012! He's not a crook (by today's standards)

Nixon
>> No. 101937
File 133670264421.jpg - (17.58KB , 255x301 , Bob_Woodward.jpg )
101937
>>101920
Shouldn't you resign instead of retiring?
>> No. 101943
>>101917
Thanks for the review. As for the grammar, I can agree that I have much to work on. Since I've been living in Korea for the last five years, I can say that my English if far from perfect after leaving the US during middle school.

I can assume that you've only done chapter one of my story. Can I expect reviews for the other chapters as well?
>> No. 101955
File 133671112577.png - (560.88KB , 586x448 , shapeimage_3.png )
101955
It's an honor to have you with us, Mr. President. May I submit the following for your appraisal?

Title - "Help Wanted" (Episode 01 of "What Went Wrong")
Author - AkibaWhite
Word Count - 9197
Tags - [Adventure] [Slice-of-Life]
Add. Tags - [Grit] [History] [Long] [Muffins] [Mystery]
Synopsis - One year has passed since the events of "A Canterlot Wedding" and the once-unshakable bond between the Elements of Harmony is beginning to crumble, weakened by a hundred little problems that nopony is quite sure how to deal with anymore. What they need is something to remind them of the Magic of Friendship. What they're going to get instead is a wall-eyed pony named Derpy Hooves and all the trouble that comes with her. I invite you to join Ponyville's unluckiest mailmare and all of your favorite characters on a wonderous journey through tales of the past and present, through a briar patch of mystery and intrigue, and deep into the dark heart of a century-spanning riddle that was never meant to be solved.
Link - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zaF-h3Ulb8eg5PUYXSMSp9m8lmMR2scQFLv3EJAJ5Ss/edit

Thank you for your time.
>> No. 101981
File 133674124084.jpg - (11.36KB , 236x350 , Nixon_E2679c-09A.jpg )
101981
>>101937
WOODWARD! How is it that you've evaded my men for so long? I've got your IP now, so the only Watergate you'll be seeing now is the dam I'm going to throw you off!

I will at least get:
>>101523
>>101435 (Chapter Two)
>>101890 (Chapter Two)
done today.
>> No. 101982
File 133674158793.jpg - (13.77KB , 220x326 , 220px-Nixonmovieposter.jpg )
101982
>>101943
Yes you can (Geez, now I'm sounding like that hippie in that's currently in office). I will eventually get your entire story done, but some of these other people need reviews, so you can expect a chapter review about once every three days.
>> No. 101983
File 133674395976.jpg - (26.15KB , 460x276 , nixon460.jpg )
101983
>>101943
I know I may be off topic, but did you say Korea? I was vice during the war, but I don't know much about it. What was it like there?

For the response to your question, see: >>101982
>> No. 101989
File 133675457522.jpg - (34.49KB , 395x600 , 8227a40cdb98f2e1_landing.jpg )
101989
Good day Mr. Nixon. I would like to present you my story.

All information’s you require are included in this link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2576/No-Rest-for-the-Wicked

Thank you for your time. Btw if you remember where was this pic. taken then you will know where I’m from.
>> No. 102001
File 133676172612.jpg - (23.85KB , 421x300 , DavidFrost-medium.jpg )
102001
>>101917

Mr. President:

>When creating a compound or compound-complex sentence in which the portion after the conjunction has internal punctuation, you must separate the clauses with a semicolon instead of a comma. For example:

>Nixon was president during a tumultuous time; and when sissy Ford took office from Nixon, he almost ruined everything America stood for.

I don't think this is right. It isn't wrong to use a semicolon there, but it's also fine to use a comma. This does not constitute a comma splice (as you well know) because of the conjunction ("and"), so the semicolon is by no means required. You may want to use a semicolon in compound-complex sentences like this to avoid ambiguity or to make a long sentence clearer, but it certainly isn't a hard-and-fast rule that rises to the level of "must", especially if the sentence is small. In fact, in most cases—including your example—I'd rather see a comma there.
>> No. 102008
File 133676507829.jpg - (16.52KB , 300x284 , richard%20nixon%20dog%20checkers.jpg )
102008
>>101523
I used the GoogleDocs links so I could comment. You lost 0.438212 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 6.05609
Raw Plot Score: 8.24715
Your Apple Score: 7.15162 apples
Percent Deviation from Average: 2.07497%

I see ChocolateMilk took a look at this already, but I recommend re-posting, as you had some grammar issues:

Let's start with your most common error: improper construction of compound or compound-complex sentences in which the second "half" of the sentence contains punctuation. When you write sentences meeting the above constraints, you must separate each "half" of the sentence with a semicolon instead of a comma. For example:

Nixon was the best president ever; and when he left office, the entire country fell to its knees at the hands of Carter.

You forgot the comma in some of your compound sentences, but I will assume that you haven't proofread your story many times.

You used the wrong "its" once. Remember: it's means "it is;" its indicates ownership.

There was one instance where you wrote your dialogue wrong. Even if you have to place closing punctuation on a quotation to indicate that it is an interrogative or exclamatory sentence, the tag is still part of the sentence including the quotation. For example:

"I am not a crook!" the president said. Correct.

"I am not a crook!" The president said. WRONG!

And now, plot:

You're showing too much and not telling enough. More than half of your chapter is dialogue, and none of it is conversation! As a narrator, you must narrate.

You worded a sentence in such a way that implies that Luna's night repels creatures. How? In canon, the night has no relation to what animals do. Heck, Cerberus attacked Ponyville in broad daylight!

You contradicted yourself as well. You said Scootaloo was using the moonlight to navigate her way through the trees, but you said later that she already knew her exact path. It cannot be both ways.

Your reason for Scootaloo not telling her friends she was leaving in the morning was weak. You need to conjure up a better reason.

Despite the massive wall of text sitting above this sentence, I enjoyed the story so far! Keep writing.

Nixon and Checkers.
>> No. 102010
File 133676575630.jpg - (7.48KB , 191x264 , imgres.jpg )
102010
>>102001
Frost! You're supposed to make me look good! That's why I bribed you during those stupid TV interviews!

I'm afraid that neither of us are right, well not exactly. I am closer to being right. As it turns out, you use a semicolon when the first half contains punctuation, which is different from what I said: that you only need a semicolon if the second half has punctuation. Thanks for making both of us better writers!

What? Proof? Fine:

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/semicolons.asp (Rule 5)
>> No. 102021
File 133677056537.jpg - (27.02KB , 256x211 , hhQb.jpg )
102021
>>102008
I've only done the first page or so, Prez.

LesPony, just a heads-up: I'll probably be sending this back to you before I complete full proofreading, since as Tricky Dick's pointed out there are quite a few rudimentary and repetitive grammar errors. Watch my thread in the next few hours.
>> No. 102045
>>101901
Thanks, Mr. President. It's nice to have your maniacal insight of my fanfic. I shall make the required edits and repost here for further inquiry in the future.

Until next time, Mr. President,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 102059
A Question of Sacrifice

Prologue

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zNvkgj_Tno_qHKTEKWCfLxWizBxOVhiHoFxyh-IB0-g/edit

[war][polotics][adventure]

We are not born Heros. To say that we have that 'spark' within us from the very beguinning is lunacy. Sometimes, all that we can really rely on, the only true test of mettel, is whether we can really make the Ultimate Sacrifice.
>> No. 102062
File 133679500412.jpg - (64.51KB , 533x500 , Coolidge.jpg )
102062
Hello there Nixon. It is I Calvin Coolidge undoubtably the best president in this country. You wanted to buddy pup with the commies. Pssh, that's nothing. I kept this country economically sound with no help from anyone. Still, thats not the reason I'm back from the dead. I'm here to endorse this fine fan fiction. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this new fangled computation device so I'll just let the author take it from here.

Story: A Changing Performance
Author: Khakispony
Tags: Slice of Line

Synopsis:After being captured, and losing much of her abilities, Chrysalis tries to find a part in Equestrian society where she can get the love she needs. When Trixie offers her a chance to be part of her act, and earn the adoration of ponies everywhere, she is more than happy to accept.

Comments: I've had this pre-read twice now and am looking for a third time. Still I've been having too much time waiting, so now I revived my favorite president in order to convince you to pick mine. Now if you'll excuse me I have to reattach Mr. Coolidge's arm.
>> No. 102063
File 133679555780.jpg - (66.07KB , 410x312 , nixon%20mouth.jpg )
102063
I had some family issues, so I wasn't able to get much done today. I promise to work hard tomorrow. I'm really sorry guys!

>>102062
You!? A writer!? Hahaha! Coolidge, you only spoke two times in your entire life! I will gladly review your story, but I need links first.
>> No. 102065
File 133679831957.jpg - (3.29KB , 100x114 , keep coolidge.jpg )
102065
>>102063
Nixon you sly sonofabitch. You caught me with my pants down. This is almost as bad as Teapot Dome and I wasn't even president then. Lets see if this link works. Gah no not the steel one. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LAvVNqR2ViIqM6IxQrXAIixJZ_bE93lhGe6PRVdm1DQ/edit
PS. I may be a man of few words but you should see me write.

PPS. Hope this doesn't go missing like one of your unedited tapes
>> No. 102066
File 133679909708.jpg - (26.02KB , 347x480 , more coolidge.jpg )
102066
>>102065
Ha you thought you could get me twice Nixon. Coolidge does't always make mistakes but when he does by God's name he fixes them. Word count is 3122 words right now. On an unrelated side note thats how many words I said during my career as president.
>> No. 102076
File 133680394567.jpg - (14.14KB , 300x300 , woodrow-wilson_114094t.jpg )
102076
Hey guys, what's going on in this thread?
>> No. 102077
>>102063

As you didn't get to chapter 2 of Rainbow Typhoon today, I'll say skip that chapter. I'm going to throw out chapter 1 entirely and start it from scratch. As a result, a lot of chapter 2 will have to be altered, so reviewing it before then might be a bit of a waste.

If you can, jus skim through it and pick up on chapter 3. That one, and the next two chapters, have been given a decent scrubbing, and my wonderful and super-attentive proofreader will be attacking any remaining grammar mistakes shortly.

But I DO really need eyes - and presidential eyes are even better - going over these later chapters. So, if you can, put down the red pen for chapter 2, and only read/skim it as needed to find your way in chapter 3.

::double-peace-sign::
>> No. 102095
File 133683176240.jpg - (46.72KB , 333x425 , Nixon-Spiders-Web333.jpg )
102095
Okay, so I'll start reviewing after I get the morning pleasantries done (shower, brush teeth, feed Checkers, etc.). Here are the people that should get reviews today:

Nosanity
Jake the Army Guy
Deistar

>>102076
I don't know Wilson. Get us into any World Wars lately? At least LBJ had the decency to leave office after he got us into a pointless war.
>> No. 102096
File 133683331617.jpg - (14.14KB , 300x300 , woodrow-wilson_114094t.jpg )
102096
>>102095
Wow, bro, those Germans kept attackin' our cargo ships. What was I supposed to do? Those guys needed to be dealt with.

But you know, at least I wasn't involved in any Watergate Scandals lately.
>> No. 102149
File 133685738155.jpg - (90.83KB , 800x523 , Nixon_edited_transcripts.jpg )
102149
>>102096
What a load of Bull-Moose! You know what you are? A Communist. With your bills for workers' rights, I'm not surprised we were allied with the Soviets during both wars! And then, you bother me about Watergate! I didn't do anything. I just helped with the cover-up. Those creeps at C.R.E.E.P. did all the stealing!

>>101435
Better late than never, am I right? You lost 0.311526 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 6.26168
Raw Plot Score: 9.06542
Your Apple Score: 7.66355
Percent Deviation from Average: 2.26%

Quick thoughts on Chapter II: I actually really liked this chapter. There were problems with grammar and plot, but I thought it was really good. You might get a high nine when you want me to review it. However, I am supposed to talk about Chapter III, so I'll cut to the chase:

Your low point was grammar, so let's talk grammar:

You opened the chapter with improper syntax for a quote. The way you wrote it, three different ponies, bipedal baby dragons, or some combination of the three would have to be talking. Speaking of which, is the "omigosh" a reference to the "Sonic Rainboom" episode? Equestria Daily pre-readers really don't like references unless you incorporate them really well. It says so in their "Editors Omnibus," which I recommend reading.

Your biggest grammar error was actually a style error (it was responsible for 50% of your lost grammar points), and it was em-dash consistency. You may use em-dashes--the symbols surrounding this portion of text--to add appositives to your sentences, but be consistent. You cannot use commas sometimes and em-dashes other times to indicate appositive phrases.

"[S]ight of it..." Sight of what? Rainbow Dash is jumping, twitching her wings, and moving around. You need to be more specific here.

You ended a phrase with "of." Never do that; it's considered sloppy writing.

You ponified one of your words wrong. "Handful" ponified is "hoof-ful" or "hoofful." You don't say handfull, so don't say hooffull.

Mayor is a common noun. In fact, all job titles (with rare exceptions) are common nouns. This means that the only time mayor should be capitalized is when it starts a sentence. In other words, mayor is not proper.

You forgot to italicize Rainbow Dash's thoughts once.

Not a lot was wrong with plot:

It is clearly stated in "Bridle Gossip" that weather does not happen on its own in Equestria. The way you wrote this chapter, you made it feel as if weather is only tamed by ponies, not made. The inverse is shown to be true in "Sonic Rainboom" and "Hurricane Fluttershy," where snowflakes must be made and water must be drained from lakes via tornado.

The mayor of Manehattan changed genders. My lawyer has advised me to stay silent on my views about the matter, but I think you just typed an "s" by accident, right?

You didn't lose any points for this, as this statement is subjective and you have a few more chapters to do it, but I feel that you haven't developed Lightning much as a character. The only thing I really know about him is his name.

I'll be honest: I really expected to not like this story before reading it. Now, it is among my favorites--you've captured the spirit of My Little Pony well. This just goes to show that you can't judge a story by its...thread post. Good job! I'm excited to read what you have next!

Nixon
>> No. 102150
>>102096
What a load of Bull-Moose! You know what you are? A Communist. With your bills for workers' rights, I'm not surprised we were allied with the Soviets during both wars! And then, you bother me about Watergate! I didn't do anything. I just helped with the cover-up. Those creeps at C.R.E.E.P. did all the stealing!

>>101435
Better late than never, am I right? You lost 0.311526 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 6.26168
Raw Plot Score: 9.06542
Your Apple Score: 7.66355
Percent Deviation from Average: 2.26%

Quick thoughts on Chapter II: I actually really liked this chapter. There were problems with grammar and plot, but I thought it was really good. You might get a high nine when you want me to review it. However, I am supposed to talk about Chapter III, so I'll cut to the chase:

Your low point was grammar, so let's talk grammar:

You opened the chapter with improper syntax for a quote. The way you wrote it, three different ponies, bipedal baby dragons, or some combination of the three would have to be talking. Speaking of which, is the "omigosh" a reference to the "Sonic Rainboom" episode? Equestria Daily pre-readers really don't like references unless you incorporate them really well. It says so in their "Editors Omnibus," which I recommend reading.

Your biggest grammar error was actually a style error (it was responsible for 50% of your lost grammar points), and it was em-dash consistency. You may use em-dashes--the symbols surrounding this portion of text--to add appositives to your sentences, but be consistent. You cannot use commas sometimes and em-dashes other times to indicate appositive phrases.

"[S]ight of it..." Sight of what? Rainbow Dash is jumping, twitching her wings, and moving around. You need to be more specific here.

You ended a phrase with "of." Never do that; it's considered sloppy writing.

You ponified one of your words wrong. "Handful" ponified is "hoof-ful" or "hoofful." You don't say handfull, so don't say hooffull.

Mayor is a common noun. In fact, all job titles (with rare exceptions) are common nouns. This means that the only time mayor should be capitalized is when it starts a sentence. In other words, mayor is not proper.

You forgot to italicize Rainbow Dash's thoughts once.

Not a lot was wrong with plot:

It is clearly stated in "Bridle Gossip" that weather does not happen on its own in Equestria. The way you wrote this chapter, you made it feel as if weather is only tamed by ponies, not made. The inverse is shown to be true in "Sonic Rainboom" and "Hurricane Fluttershy," where snowflakes must be made and water must be drained from lakes via tornado.

The mayor of Manehattan changed genders. My lawyer has advised me to stay silent on my views about the matter, but I think you just typed an "s" by accident, right?

You didn't lose any points for this, as this statement is subjective and you have a few more chapters to do it, but I feel that you haven't developed Lightning much as a character. The only thing I really know about him is his name.

I'll be honest: I really expected to not like this story before reading it. Now, it is among my favorites--you've captured the spirit of My Little Pony well. This just goes to show that you can't judge a story by its...thread post. Good job! I'm excited to read what you have next!

Nixon
>> No. 102165
>>102150


>Quick thoughts on Chapter II: I actually really liked this chapter. There were problems with grammar and plot, but I thought it was really good. You might get a high nine when you want me to review it. However, I am supposed to talk about Chapter III, so I'll cut to the chase:
Chapter 2 has a lot of problems, according to other reviewers. Though it does have some good points too. But things like making Spitfire a bit of a hard-ass won't endear the story to her fans. I'll try to keep the good bits as I merge it with the new chapter 1.

>Your low point was grammar, so let's talk grammar:
My proofreader will be coming back with scans of this and the later chapters shortly. He's DAMN good. He did wonders with chapter 1 since you read it... Which is sad because I'm now going to throw that chapter out and start from scratch.

>You opened the chapter with improper syntax for a quote. The way you wrote it, three different ponies, bipedal baby dragons, or some combination of the three would have to be talking. Speaking of which, is the "omigosh" a reference to the "Sonic Rainboom" episode? Equestria Daily pre-readers really don't like references unless you incorporate them really well. It says so in their "Editors Omnibus," which I recommend reading.
Rainbow Dash has said "oh my gosh" several times, usually when getting excited about the Wonderbolts, not just a reference to a single moment. It's just something she says when she's very excited. She also tends to separate her words when excited: "Best. Wedding. Ever!" I just mixed these two vocal traits to generate her reaction to getting her Wonderbolt uniform.

It might be better to write it like "Oh. My. Gosh!" on one line, however. I'll give that a try instead of going for special effects.

(The "What are you, a dictionary?" in chapter 2 is a meme reference. THAT will be removed.)

>Your biggest grammar error was actually a style error (it was responsible for 50% of your lost grammar points), and it was em-dash consistency. You may use em-dashes--the symbols surrounding this portion of text--to add appositives to your sentences, but be consistent. You cannot use commas sometimes and em-dashes other times to indicate appositive phrases.
So you don't agree with this: "In informal writing, em dashes may replace commas, semicolons, colons, and parentheses to indicate added emphasis, an interruption, or an abrupt change of thought." http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/dashes.asp
So by that, I use commas when a normal appositive is fine, and an em dash when I want the extra emphasis.

So I use them for phrases that could otherwise be in parenthesis, or to replace semicolons and sometime colors, which can feel too formal. As far as I can tell reading through various style guides, using them when extra emphasis is needed is correct. Can you point out one that's particularly incorrect, sir?

>"[S]ight of it..." Sight of what? Rainbow Dash is jumping, twitching her wings, and moving around. You need to be more specific here.
That IS slightly ambiguous. I'll change "it" to "herself" and it should work better.

>You ended a phrase with "of." Never do that; it's considered sloppy writing.
Absolutely right. "BAD of! Down, boy!"

>You ponified one of your words wrong. "Handful" ponified is "hoof-ful" or "hoofful." You don't say handfull, so don't say hooffull.
Agreement. New words that the spellchecker doesn't like are prime candidates for misspelling, since they are always underlined. Gotta watch them closely - or start teaching the spellchecker new words. :)

>Mayor is a common noun. In fact, all job titles (with rare exceptions) are common nouns. This means that the only time mayor should be capitalized is when it starts a sentence. In other words, mayor is not proper.
I actually looked that up, but I'm finding there's a lot of WRONG grammar advice on the internet. :( Corrected.

>You forgot to italicize Rainbow Dash's thoughts once.
I'm trying to find that one. Best I could find was "How can it be gone before it even began?" which is her thought, but not something she's actively thinking in words. She's a bit beyond thinking in words at that moment. The line is just a narrative comment of her state of mind, a question that she's feeling, if not exactly spending time to put into words.

>It is clearly stated in "Bridle Gossip" that weather does not happen on its own in Equestria. The way you wrote this chapter, you made it feel as if weather is only tamed by ponies, not made. The inverse is shown to be true in "Sonic Rainboom" and "Hurricane Fluttershy," where snowflakes must be made and water must be drained from lakes via tornado.
It's established that the weather in the Everfree Forest operates on its own. It also stands to reason that weather out over the oceans, where hurricanes form, is likewise unmonitored. I imagine that such uncontrolled weather doesn't matter much to Equestrain natives unless it starts to move into pony territory, where it would be quickly taken care of, if possible. Hurricanes being very mobile storms, I thought they would make a good antagonist for a story - A storm too big to control coming in from outside. I chose to make them very rare, so either the trade winds protect pony-occupied lands, or they just don't form that often.

>The mayor of Manehattan changed genders. My lawyer has advised me to stay silent on my views about the matter, but I think you just typed an "s" by accident, right?
I couldn't find this, but there was a line of Spitfire's that you might have thought was the mayor. I changed that pronoun to her name for clarity.

>You didn't lose any points for this, as this statement is subjective and you have a few more chapters to do it, but I feel that you haven't developed Lightning much as a character. The only thing I really know about him is his name.
The Wonderbolts don't appear in chapters 4-6, and chapter 7 - the climax - is also free of them so far. After that, they were going to come back in for the wrap-up of the story. But this is mainly Dash's tale. I think I need to focus on her interactions with just one of the Wonderbolts, and Soarin seems to be the favorite.

So, I'll probably be removing Lightning from the story, substituting Soarin for his few random lines as needed. He was really just another voice to put in the scene where she bumps into Soarin again in Chapter 2. But some of that's going to change, so I may not even need him. (Which is slightly sad, because in my head he's a sort of fun test-pilot-like character, laid-back and wisecracking.)

>I'll be honest: I really expected to not like this story before reading it. Now, it is among my favorites--you've captured the spirit of My Little Pony well. This just goes to show that you can't judge a story by its...thread post. Good job! I'm excited to read what you have next!
I've been told chapter 3 and onward is much better than 1 and 2, which is why I'm now going to re-write them. Seems it took me a few chapters to find my voice after 20 years of not writing fiction. :)
>> No. 102175
File 133687265056.jpg - (22.84KB , 350x340 , nixon-victory-sign.jpg )
102175
>>102165
Hi there! I respect your opinion, but I have some rebuttals:

"Chapter 2 has a lot of problems, according to other reviewers. Though it does have some good points too. But things like making Spitfire a bit of a hard-ass won't endear the story to her fans. I'll try to keep the good bits as I merge it with the new chapter 1."

I'm not surprised that other reviewers have a different opinion. I judge based solely on your apple score. If I were to give you a subjective opinion, I would have said that I found the Quartermaster to be a tried trope and the Wonderbolts were all dull, except Soarin'. I also would have said that the tension between Dash and Soarin' was released way too easily. But I didn't say that. I like your story because my numbers say I should.

"Rainbow Dash has said "oh my gosh" several times, usually when getting excited about the Wonderbolts, not just a reference to a single moment. It's just something she says when she's very excited. She also tends to separate her words when excited: "Best. Wedding. Ever!" I just mixed these two vocal traits to generate her reaction to getting her Wonderbolt uniform.

It might be better to write it like "Oh. My. Gosh!" on one line, however. I'll give that a try instead of going for special effects.

(The "What are you, a dictionary?" in chapter 2 is a meme reference. THAT will be removed.)"

Fine. You didn't lose points for this anyway, so don't sweat it.

"So you don't agree with this: "In informal writing, em dashes may replace commas, semicolons, colons, and parentheses to indicate added emphasis, an interruption, or an abrupt change of thought." http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/dashes.asp
So by that, I use commas when a normal appositive is fine, and an em dash when I want the extra emphasis."

I do in fact disagree with the Grammar Book, which is weird for me; as I use them to look up stuff when I'm not sure of something. I have always been taught that the sole purpose of an em-dash is to interrupt the flow of the sentence to interject a thought. An appositive provides supplemental information by interrupting a sentence, so you could use em-dashes to indicate an appositive. It's sloppy, however to jump from commas to em-dashes to indicate a break in thought. Consistent formatting is key.

"I couldn't find this, but there was a line of Spitfire's that you might have thought was the mayor. I changed that pronoun to her name for clarity."

"The mayor of Manehattan was obviously taking no chances, or the storm was much bigger than she’d thought." The pronoun is in reference to the mayor, correct?
>> No. 102177
File 133687332126.png - (163.64KB , 810x986 , 132195927832.png )
102177
At least I'm closer now.
>> No. 102180
Mr. President, sir. When you get to my story, you'll notice a large block of red lettering near the end. Allow me to explain. I_Post_Ponies looked at my fic in his livestream today, and suggested I cut a large chunk of my story out, namely the first scene with Berry Punch. I wrote a different version of her part in the story. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

And President Wilson, sir. With all due respect, at least Mr. Nixon didn't advocate and enforce segregation in the US Military...
>> No. 102182
File 133687620889.jpg - (17.23KB , 220x271 , FileBio37b.jpg )
102182
>>101890
Drum-roll please (but only if you want to). I present your review. You lost 0.3125 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 5.625
Raw Plot Score: 8.125
Your Apple Score: 6.875
Percent Deviation from Average: 5.66%

It pains me to write this review, as I loved your story. It is some of the best fan-fiction I've read in a while. If I were being subjective (which I am not), you would have received tens.

You did not receive tens however, so let's talk about what you did wrong, starting with grammar:

You messed-up capitalization in your title again. If it's an article or preposition and is not the first word of your title, do not capitalize it. Ever. To remember this, change your username to "Jake The Army Guy" to "Jake the Army Guy."

Your imagery was often very beautiful, but you would always include some form of the word "mixing" in your descriptions of places. Look:

"The sound of her hoof falls mixed with the light cries[.]"

"The smell of loamy soil combined with the quiet babbling[.]"

"[M]ixing nicely with the fiery liquid..."

"[M]ixing with her frightened tears..."

So much mixing! My eyes have gone all swirly like Pinkie Pie when she sings "Evil Enchantress."

"Fever pitch" is a colloquialism. Colloquialisms are expressions or words that are simply not allowed into formal writing. Try to steer away from them at all costs--they're like drugs.

"The frightened clucking died off slightly[.]" You've contradicted yourself. Either something dies or it does not. You can't...kind of die. You just die. You should say that the clucking decreased in magnitude or simply ceased.

"[T]ree line..." is one word. You made this error right after Fluttershy tried to retreat deeper into her hair.

You have forgotten my compound predicate lesson! "Twilight...better of it." The comma (which is hiding somewhere in that ellipsis) should not be there. Speaking of commas that aren't in the right place:

"Twilight turned and sure enough, many of the hanging bird houses were empty." The comma should go after "turned."

"How dare you?" This situation calls for an interrobang (!?). It's a real form of punctuation.

You used the wrong "its" once. I assume you just typo-ed.

Time for plot:

You're still showing too much with dialogue. Yes, the narrator shouldn't tell us everything, but the characters shouldn't vomit exposition either.

"They walked[.]" You just said Spike went into the bag. Besides some leg flailing, his ability to move by bipedal locomotion is limited.

"Fluttershy stood back up[.]" You never said she sat down.

You said Berry Punch, the town drunk, only goes to the bar once a week. She should go a little more to merit the title "town drunk," don't you think?

The end of the chapter reminded me of the opening for an episode of the X-Files. I really enjoyed that.

Please attended to these issues. You're writing is too good to be marred by imperfections such as these.

Vote Nixon!

Nixon
>> No. 102183
>>102180
I'll look again, but I want to get to Deistar today! I'll put that chapter back in the queue. Thanks!

Nixon
>> No. 102184
File 133687646299.png - (164.89KB , 332x400 , 50423%20-%20happy%20screencap%20twilight_sparkle_png-500x400.png )
102184
>>102183
Gee thanks! I'm eager to see my evaluation!

Question, after the review, do you end your service or can I still correct it and send it back for another review?
>> No. 102187
File 133687674960.jpg - (22.13KB , 413x310 , ap_richard_nixon_jef_111110_main.jpg )
102187
>>102184
Send it back as many times as you like. I will start reviewing now, but I print the document and write my comments before transferring them to the GoogleDoc, so don't expect comments for at least a half-hour.
>> No. 102189
>>102182
Sir, I thank you for your kind words and your keen eye.

A few questions, though.
>"How dare you?" This situation calls for an interrobang (!?). It's a real form of punctuation.
I was told by Chocolate Milk that it's informal punctuation, therefore it shouldn't be used. On that note:
>"Fever pitch" is a colloquialism. Colloquialisms are expressions or words that are simply not allowed into formal writing. Try to steer away from them at all costs--they're like drugs.
So, you dinged me points on my last chapter because I used something that you said wasn't formal. I honestly don't know, what do you suggest?

>You're still showing too much with dialogue. Yes, the narrator shouldn't tell us everything, but the characters shouldn't vomit exposition either.

I know this is a broad criticism, there's no real way to pint and say, "There." But is there some way of knowing the right balance between expository dialogue and narration?
>> No. 102190
>>102189
Not the president, but I remember an explanation that said that was a perfectly acceptable and used interrobang, which can either have both !? Or be a single symbol. It's not colloquial at all. Or so I read. I think it was the samurai?
>> No. 102192
File 133687907467.jpg - (21.02KB , 500x342 , richard-nixon-scarface.jpg )
102192
>>102189
I really respect ChocolateMilk, but I'm going to have to disagree with him on this point. I've never read anything saying this type of punctuation is informal. In addition, formality doesn't matter as much as what you're trying to tell me. I think you're trying to say he screamed here, so your punctuation should reflect this.

Anytime you type something think, (i)Would this make sense to someone who took it literally?(/i) For example: I say: "It's raining cats and dogs!" It's not really raining felines or canines; it's raining hard. Someone who took it literally would have said "Oh the humanity! Those poor critters!" (That, or they would tell you to see a doctor.) "It's raining cats and dogs!" is a colloquialism.

If you find your characters saying stuff to one another that both characters already know, you're using too much dialogue.
>> No. 102194
>>102192
Hmm, point well taken.

Now, as for my addition to my story, it's really short. I would take out the entire scene with Berry at the bar, and put this in its place:

"Berry Punch stumbled down the quiet road, belting out a very off-key rendition of her favorite karaoke song.

"Jusht a shmall town mare!

Living in a lonely world!

She took the mid-*hic* midnight coach going anywhere!"

The night had been a good one. Countless rounds of hard cider shared amongst her second family at the bar, peals of good-natured laughter at her drunken antics, and another first prize in the weekly karaoke contest. All around, it’d been the best night of drinking the purple mare could remember, until she’d been cut off by the bartender. Now she wandered home, the heavy buzz of the alcohol making the journey a pleasant, if not dizzy walk."

Then we see her in the forest, and... well, you know what happens then. Do you think that would improve the story?
>> No. 102225
Good afternoon, Mr. President. I'm writing this praise ENTIRELY of my own will, and in no way is there a member of the Secret Service holding a gun to my head.

I enjoy your reviewing style, and so, if you'd be so kind...have a post!

1) Title: W.O.M.P.

2) Tags: Comedy, Random

3) Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle knows better than anypony that exams are serious business. Particularly when the exam in question is a final exam. Particularly-er when that final exam determines whether she graduates from the Canterlot School For Gifted Unicorns. Join Twilight as she treks through a whirlwind exam full of insults, acronyms, and general insanity.

4) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t0R6HqmfVQ_AgZXDR6yn2N2BPPy2BQ310j-77kAwaHY/edit

Note: this is also currently in the LunarShadow/Kurbz tag-team thread, and has been reviewed in the Training Grounds. I hope I'm not raising any eyebrows by posting this here (I believe the rule is no more than two active review requests at a time, correct?).

Also, the AI character's voice is funniest when read in this voice from Portal 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85j3S4agycA

Alright, I believe that just about covers it all. H.A.T.E.R. is very eager to meet you, Mr. President. Thank you very much for your time!
>> No. 102227
>>102225

Sincerest apologies, I forgot the word count. It's presently at 5,925.
>> No. 102255
Mr. President I believe the units that your rating system should not be apples. Instead it should be Presidential Pardons in keeping with the Presidential theme of the thread.
>> No. 102272
Well, I corrected some of the annotations, but left some of the comments in the parts I'm not sure if I correctly corrected.
>> No. 102278
File 133692049629.jpg - (13.80KB , 351x400 , tumblr_lxje7oD17a1qz9szto1_400.jpg )
102278
That's right ladies! Mrs. Nixon has passed, so Nixon is available.

>>102225
I will get to you but probably not today. There can be as many requests as the board feels, but I go slow, so more posts means a longer time till your review.

>>102255
I would love to, but I cannot for the following two reasons:
1) I am not president anymore, and my lawyer has informed me that I am no longer allowed to grant pardons.
2) I m still not familiar enough with this hippe-Communist invention known as the "Internet" to know how to edit the text of my sticky.
>> No. 102279
File 133692200600.jpg - (14.75KB , 460x288 , wogan-debate_1591692c.jpg )
102279
>>101889
I have to go to church and take my mother to dinner (Happy Mothers' Day!), so I'll leave you with your scores and give you your review later today. Good? I can't hear you, so I'll assume you said "yes."

[Insert hilarious opener here mocking Justin Beiber on Nicki Manaj] Here is your review! You lost 0.25 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 0
Raw Plot Score: 7.25
Your Apple Score: 3.625
Percent Deviation from Average: 33.56%
>> No. 102280
>>102278
Mr. President, I'd like to point out that the Internet is a product of the United States Government. No Communists had any part in it's creation.
>> No. 102299
File 133693206764.jpg - (90.83KB , 800x523 , Nixon_edited_transcripts.jpg )
102299
>>102280
That's what they want you think. Besides, did you see LBJ's presidency? After his "War on Poverty," I think we should be called the U.S.S.A.
>> No. 102302
>>102299
Besides, didn't Al Gore invent it?
>> No. 102312
File 133693544759.jpg - (8.62KB , 220x259 , 220px-FDR_in_1933.jpg )
102312
>>102299
Oh, It started long before LBJ. By the way, how'd you enjoy those social security benefits, Dick? And how'd you enjoy being able to legally spend it all on booze? You think that old stick-in-the-mud Hoover would have done anything about Prohibition? Hah! You're welcome. Then again, even with prohibition, it wouldn't be illegal if you did it, now would it?

You'll never stop me and my rudimentary welfare state!
MWAHAHAHA
>> No. 102349
File 133694530146.jpg - (137.29KB , 220x245 , FileNixon_Johnson_1961.jpg )
102349
Scores here: >>102279

You seem like a nice guy, so I hate to be blunt, but I'm going to be anyway: your grammar was terrible. Let us delve a little deeper:

Your wording was weak. As soon as you place something in an appositive, it becomes less important to the sentence, as an appositive is supplemental information. The way you would phrase things, important stuff was glanced over. Of course, this argument seems too subjective for me to take points based from it, but you used this construction so many times that it became a style issue, so I did take off points after I saw it three times. In general, vary your sentence structure. Just because you can use a semicolon doesn't mean you should.

I've highlighted a portion of the text which says that you're redundant. Don't say things twice; people get easily annoyed is what some people easily get.

You set up various quotes wrong. When somepony says a declarative or imperative sentence (it ends with a period) and you want to add a speaking tag, swap the period for a comma. For example:

"I wish Nixon was back in office." said the man. WRONG!

"I wish Nixon was back in office," said the man. CORRECT!

Scare quotes are always double quotes when not being said by a character. You did that "on purpose," right?

Whenever time passes or you are changing scene in a chapter without describing the passing of time or movement to the new location, a break is required. Three asterisks will be fine.

Plot issues:

Sweetie Belle's personality and motivation don't match up. You try to characterize her as a prankster in the beginning of your story, but she is a caring sister by the end. You may be trying to make Sweetie Belle a deep character, but contradictions that are not later explained are not the way to do that.

You used several memes. Equestria Daily pre-readers generally dislike memes, so I would remove them if you plan on submitting.

You have several "show; don't tell" issues. Sometimes you're showing too much, and sometimes you're telling too much. Find a balance.

Rarity never uses the mane dye. You say that she looks at the bottle, but you never wrote that the goo actually makes contact with her mane. Since this event is so crucial to the plot, you must describe it in passing at the very least.

You stole a little too much from the show: the moral of "Sisterhooves Social," Trixie's prank in "Boast Busters," and the pillow fight scene from "Look Before You Sleep."

I would have loved to see some of that trademark Sweetie Belle voice crack in her dialogue.

While this story may do well in the next issue of "Chicken Soup for the Equestrian Soul," I think you need to do some major editing before sending this bad boy anywhere.

Better luck next time!

Nixon
>> No. 102351
File 133694561237.gif - (156.65KB , 600x410 , Carter_Nixon_Deng.gif )
102351
>>102312
Satan! We had a deal! I get to keep my soul for three more years! I'M NOT READY TO...wait. Oh! FDR, how are you?

As long as I have sissy Ford here with me, I get free pardons whenever I want, so yes, most of the people on this board are paying for my drunken nights down at the tavern on the corner of my street.
>> No. 102352
File 133694598814.jpg - (75.13KB , 600x600 , Apollo_11_crew_in_quarantine.jpg )
102352
I hope you boys in the space shuttle like bananas...

>>101955
The sheer volume of your work is amazing! It's like reading the unabridged volume of "Les Miserables" all over again. I'll try to get the review to you today, but I make no promises (I have two tests tomorrow, and it's the season premiere of "The Next Food Network Star").
>> No. 102353
>>102349

My goodness! Unless I'm quite mistaken, this means I'm next in the queue, correct? Ish? Or am I wrong? Either way, I am happy-face and eagerly awaiting your rev-

*BZZZT*

H.A.T.E.R. HERE. I HAVE TEMPORARILY COMMANDEERED JOSH'S BRAIN TO BRING YOU THESE MESSAGES. I WOULD LIKE TO NEGOTIATE A TEN APPLE RATING IN EXCHANGE FOR A SUM OF $100,000. KNOWING YOUR TRACK RECORD, MR. PRESIDENT, I BELIEVE THIS-

*BZZZT*

Heh...sorry. He does that from time to time. Again, looking forward to your critique.
>> No. 102355
Thank you for your kind review. I'll work on that declarative quoting thing. As for the plot issues, I wanna comment about them:

Sweetie Belle's personality and motivation don't match up. You try to characterize her as a prankster in the beginning of your story, but she is a caring sister by the end. You may be trying to make Sweetie Belle a deep character, but contradictions that are not later explained are not the way to do that.

Yes, she pulls the prank, but she only did so she could spend more time with her sister. The prank was to get her attention, yet, in the end, she was sorry for causing her sister too much trouble, since everything she wanted to do was to have fun.

You used several memes. Equestria Daily pre-readers generally dislike memes, so I would remove them if you plan on submitting.

Removed them. Still, don't see why they shouldn't be used, it's not like the characters would only say it once in their lifetime. I bet you'd say the same if I had Rainbow saying "ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh" or something.

You have several "show; don't tell" issues. Sometimes you're showing too much, and sometimes you're telling too much. Find a balance.

Yeah, screw that, it's not my fort.
I'd actually love for someone to show me how to show and don't tell, because I just don't get it.

Rarity never uses the mane dye. You say that she looks at the bottle, but you never wrote that the goo actually makes contact with her mane. Since this event is so crucial to the plot, you must describe it in passing at the very least.

Sweetie replaced her mane shampoo for dye. She used the shampoo while she was taking her bath, unaware that she was actually dying her mane until she saw herself in the mirror. The conditioner was something else she was going to use later.

You stole a little too much from the show: the moral of "Sisterhooves Social," Trixie's prank in "Boast Busters," and the pillow fight scene from "Look Before You Sleep."

Eh, sorta. I actually didn't think of the Boast Busters, I thought of having Rarity's mane changing color, and green was the first color I could come up with, then I remembered that scene, but I already had a lot written.

I would have loved to see some of that trademark Sweetie Belle voice crack in her dialogue.

That's what I don't get. Do I alter the dialogue, or normal dialogue with "she said, cracking her voice."
>> No. 102377
Title: Chronokeeper (subject to change)
I would go into the synopsis and tags of this story but, similar to the few prereaders I've had so far, I could not come up with an accurate answer for either of these
Some tags can be given, but nothing definite.
[sad] [friend-shipping] [slice of life?]
This is a very short answer, as to not make a huge post on the thread. I have a much better answer taking up about 3/4 of a page at the beginning of the fic. Please, at least read that before you ignore this
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/12rd_R3sSa_r_EEQc0NplqIWTx5ID9wN2B18JDxk54Oo/edit
Google doc with commenting enabled
>> No. 102380
Title: Chronokeeper (subject to change)
I would go into the synopsis and tags of this story but, similar to the few prereaders I've had so far, I could not come up with an accurate answer for either of these
Some tags can be given, but nothing definite.
[sad] [friend-shipping] [slice of life?]
This is a very short answer, as to not make a huge post on the thread. I have a much better answer taking up about 3/4 of a page at the beginning of the fic. Please, at least read that before you ignore this
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/12rd_R3sSa_r_EEQc0NplqIWTx5ID9wN2B18JDxk54Oo/edit
Google doc with commenting enabled
>> No. 102382
File 133695647844.jpg - (137.29KB , 220x245 , FileNixon_Johnson_1961.jpg )
102382
>>102194
Looks fine, but you need a comma after dizzy. I'll get to your next chapter soon.

>>101955
Expect a review tomorrow. Curse you AP exam!
>> No. 102385
>>102380
Every time you request a review, you must inform all of your reviewers that you've put in a request in another thread. Also, you may only have two requests going at any given moment.
>> No. 102453
File 133700797880.jpg - (46.73KB , 480x376 , 10campaignstops-nixon1-blog480.jpg )
102453
After I get "Help Wanted" done, here is my queue:

Queue:
>>102377 (Today)
>>102059 (Today)
>>102062 (Tomorrow)
>>102225 (Tomorrow)

>>102385
If that's the case, almost everyone on my thread has broken the rules. Assuming my memory is correct, a reviewer is allowed to set his own rules on his thread, so I am allowed to have as much as I want in my queue, correct?
>> No. 102454
>>102453
Flip the today and tomorrow tags, sorry.
>> No. 102458
>>102453
>>102385
I think he means the writers can only have their stories submitted to two reviewers at a time. A reviewer can have as long a list of pending stories as desired. :)
>> No. 102459
>>102453
Refer to:
>>102458
It is to prevent someone from hogging the reviewers to themselves, as well as there being the simple fact that having multiple people telling you about the same mistakes is a waste of time. In a perfect world you would only need one, but the board allows two parallel requests since one reviewer may catch things the other one didn't, as well as the fact that if you choose poorly you could be stuck waiting for a very, very long time.
>> No. 102464
>>102459
What about if you did the right choice but it takes and awful lot of time? I'm pretty sure that's possible.
>> No. 102466
File 133701769346.gif - (301.95KB , 294x266 , tumblr_l46c9rLTVb1qamgw7.gif )
102466
>>102464
That's why the second reviewer is there, and no one is stopping you from relinquishing one request and moving it to another, faster reviewer. The only exception to this would have been the Samurai's old thread since he could take upwards of a couple months to get back to you, but even that's null and void now since he's delivering his reviews within a week, which is a perfectly acceptable timeframe.
>> No. 102469
There's no rule about having a maximum of two pending reviews. The relevant rule is, verbatim, "If you request more than one review, you must make the fact that you have done so known to everyone you have requested a review from."

Ion, it may do you well to revise the rules to avoid you touting off fabricated ones in future.
>> No. 102471
File 133702045913.jpg - (354.75KB , 2841x3432 , John_F_Kennedy.jpg )
102471
Hey, I'm calling you out, Mr. Nixon!
>> No. 102493
File 133703476479.jpg - (84.32KB , 800x529 , Nixon_and_Zhou_toast.jpg )
102493
>>101955
You probably thought I wouldn't get to you, did you? Well, you were wrong. Dead wrong. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A LESSON YOU WILL NEVER FORGET! EVER! GFLSGREGK! You lost 0.108731 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 3.6936
Raw Plot Score: 8.69523
Your Apple Score: 6.19441
Percent Deviation from Average: 6.33%

Another story that I liked but my scoring system did not! However, I hate "Fallout: Equestria" and "Rainbow Factory," so my opinion is usually a minority.

I will say that I was impressed with this story, but from a strictly analytic standpoint, there were some problems, particularly with grammar:

A huge portion of your errors were typos (forgetting the "k" off "knock" or the hyphens in re-education), which means you should get this story proofread by someone. I usually recommend ChocolateMilk (top-notch work), but he is probably sick of me mentioning his name every other review. Try Acheron (spelling?) the Editor. I think he may be new here, but his work seems decent (I haven't looked at enough of it to give you accurate impression).

An error that appeared too many times to be a typo was placing quotation marks before closing punctuation instead of putting them after closing punctuation, where they really belong. Example time:

She said, "Nixon said, 'I am the best president to grace the earth with my presence'." WRONG!

She said, "Nixon said, 'I am the best president to grace the earth with my presence.'" CORRECT!

Thoughts are always italicized. Without the italics, it is hard to separate narration from the thoughts of the characters.

Sometimes, you would set up a quote where you would interrupt the dialogue to describe what the pony (or bipedal baby dragon) was doing while talking. You're allowed to do this, but I could tell that sometimes you interrupted them mid-sentence. You're allowed to do this too, but you should treat the interruption like an appositive. For example:

"I love Checkers," Nixon said as he wiped a tear from his eye, "But I'm glad he's dead. Are you aware of how much dog food costs?" WRONG, in this case because I meant for the quote to be a compound sentence. In other words, I should pretend that the interruption never happened.

"I love Checkers," Nixon said as he wiped a tear from his eye, "but I'm glad he's dead. Are you aware of how much dog food costs?" CORRECT

You confused "then" and "than" and sometimes. I assume that you typo-ed, but remember that "then" is used for conditionals (If x, then y.) and "than" is used for comparisons (in general).

You didn't lose any points for this,as it is subjective, but sometimes you're a tad prolix.

Got it? Good. Plot time:

When the sister asks if Derpy is calling her name: this is a plot-hole. She wouldn't ask for confirmation that Derpy was talking to her if they are the only two ponies out in this field.

"'Quit talking like those weirdo books do'" (4). You say earlier that Derpy cannot read at this age, so she wouldn't know that the books sound this way.

Paragraph 2 of "Now" on 4: Where exactly is the alarm clock in relation to the bed? If it is on the floor (which is where I thought it was based on my reading), then Derpy must have arm-stretching abilities that rival Mister Fantastic of the Fantastic Four.

"Knowing a shower was out of the question..." (5). Why is taking a shower out of the question? You never explain why.

Equestria Daily pre-readers generally do not like memes in fan-fiction, like the one you included on 8.

Why doesn't Derpy know what to do with her life when she has a cutie mark? Surely she experienced some eye-opening moment where she realized her true talent, as she as her mark.

Have a nice day!

Nixon
>> No. 102495
File 133703501997.jpg - (7.10KB , 480x360 , 0.jpg )
102495
>>102471
Impossible! I payed the mob to kill you over fifty years ago when your good looks beat me in the election! What are you doing here!?
>> No. 102503
>>102493
Archeron just shut down his thread, sadly. Looks like Chocolate will be picking up the slack.
>> No. 102531
>>102493
>>102503

I've got no problem with you mentioning my thread, Prez, but you might want to warn people you send my way that the queue's likely to remain closed for another week. We definitely need more dedicated proofreaders up in this hizzy, I think. Division of labor and all that.
>> No. 102552
File 133705336518.jpg - (4.50KB , 176x192 , awesome president.jpg )
102552
Someone got to my story first. After a harsh review I've decided to rewrite...again. Ah. such is the pain of being great. Anyways you may feel free to take a look at the story if you wish but its going through major revision. Again. Please feel free to take the load of off reviewing A Changing Performance. I hear you have stagflation to deal with anyways.
>> No. 102573
File 133706834134.jpg - (34.49KB , 395x600 , 8227a40cdb98f2e1_landing.jpg )
102573
>>102453
It seams that you have omitted >>101989
I understand that it was a small post so I will repost my request properly this time.

Title: "No Rest for the Wicked"
Tags: Tragedy,Sad, Dark, Adventure
Author: Vilwind
Synopsis:"Magic, as the moon, has darker side." Everything Trixie wanted when she came to Cloudbergen was making her name famous in one of the most obscure and remote locations in Equestria, a place with a mysterious past and gullible citizens...With a sudden turn of events her expectations are shattered, she attracts unwanted attention and meets her early demise faced with a seemingly impossible task that puts her pitiful life on the line, possibly even more. Something lurking in the shadows is ready to offer his help, but are his ideas the right ones? Trixie is taken to the most sinister passages of Equestrian history, learning that sometimes, death isn't the worst alternative, and evil lies everywhere, at every hour... Will she be able to escape her unfortunate fate?, Or be dragged to the wretched depths of the world-not? Magic is Chaos, Art and Science. It is a curse, a blessing and progress. It all depends on who uses magic, how they use it, and to what purpose.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2576/No-Rest-for-the-Wicked
Word Count: 27,071
>> No. 102578
File 133707726727.jpg - (42.26KB , 198x240 , nixon.jpg )
102578
>>102552
Burn all out Coolidge? Muhahahahaha! No, seriously, good luck re-writing your story. If you ever feel like it, post it here again for review.

>>102573
I completely missed it! Added to queue.
>> No. 102584
File 133708296432.jpg - (349.80KB , 945x945 , TwilightSparkleWithGlassesBlue-(n1296244776663).jpg )
102584
>>102192
>I really respect ChocolateMilk, but I'm going to have to disagree with him on this point. I've never read anything saying this type of punctuation is informal. In addition, formality doesn't matter as much as what you're trying to tell me. I think you're trying to say he screamed here, so your punctuation should reflect this.

I really respected you too, Mr. Prez, what with the visit to China and all that jazz, until the whole Watergate dealio. Earning back some serious browning points in my book with this thread though.

Allow me to clarify. It's certainly true that the interrobang is established punctuation, but while I can't say this for sure, it's probably true that you wouldn't to find many in, say, Harry Potter, or most respectable published fiction. It was developed by an advertising agency in the early 1960's (think Mad Men), in order to draw consumers' attention to exciting rhetorical questions regarding the many social extravagances available to those who smoked Old Gold cigarettes, and the fast-acting relief that would come to those who treated their headaches with a tincture of mercury (probably going a bit too far back in history with that last one, but eh).

It's been a staple of advertising and informal correspondence (that is, AIM and emails) ever since, and while it is decently understandable (which is to say, nobody's going to be confused when they see it), it probably isn't right for a work of fiction for reasons not just of excessive informality, but also for the laziness it affords. There's something to be said for being able to explain the delivery of a specific line in a more salient, meaty way than nonstandard punctuation.

To address the relevant passage, the expression "how dare you" is rarely an actual question. Consider the literal way in which someone speaks the words "how dare you" as compared to, say, "where are you?" For this reason, omitting the question mark is probably the right thing to do in this particular instance. "How dare you!" conveys the delivery far better than "How dare you?!"—which, as is the case with most uses of the interrobang in fiction, just looks sloppy by comparison.

There's my take on the matter. The decision ultimately lies... with you, Jake. You have the power!?!?!?!?!?!

-CM

tl;dr: I hate the interrobang in the context of fiction for the same reason I hate overused ellipses. They are nonstandard, rarely add one tenth as much to a story as a well crafted sentence can, and are almost never necessary.
>> No. 102585
Also I have no idea what a "browning point" is, but I am sleepy and worked up over interrobangs.
>> No. 102589
>>102584
I'll admit to having used "?!" interrobang from time to time, but I think I'm seeing the light. This is the punctuation form of SDT. It's a shorthand for an emotion - an emotion that could be far better served via action than with symbology.

At the very least, you can achieve the same effect (affect? :) with italics.

"What the hay?"
>> No. 102590
>>102589
...Which was erased by the automatic replacement of the location of eternal damnation with a common pony foodstuff.

"What the hay?"
>> No. 102599
File 133710912888.jpg - (137.29KB , 220x245 , FileNixon_Johnson_1961.jpg )
102599
Wow! A lot went on while I was gone.

>>102584
First off, don't worry about the "browning points," as I am still trying to figure out what "tl;dr" means (Curse you hippies with your secret Communist codes!). The argument you've made here is one I can agree with, as opposed to the argument I thought you made: declaring something "not formal enough" just because you read it somewhere. I also do agree that the ultimate decision should be made by good soldier Jake, the author.

I feel your pain with the ellipsis. Sometimes, I feel that ellipsises (ellipsi, ellipsipeople, just ellipsis?) even make the author sound a little bratty, especially when they end their sentences with them.

>>102589
Effect. "Affect" is a verb. "Effect" is a noun...

Did that sound too bratty? Sorry. Have a smiley face. :)
>> No. 102600
>>102599
Since I'm so picky with the people I review, I will point out that my "it" in the first response is a bit too ambiguous. See? Not even I can get ten apples all the time. And I invented the system! I meant that you read somewhere that interrobangs were not formal, in case I wasn't clear enough.
>> No. 102603
File 133711175882.jpg - (60.35KB , 800x552 , nixon_now.jpg )
102603
I just finished the "Question of Sacrifice" review when I mistakenly closed the tab! Are Rage Comics still popular? Oh well, FFFUUUUUUUUU- anyway. SterlingNomad should expect that review today, soon.

Queue:
>>102059
>>102573
>> No. 102611
>>102599
AFFECT
[...]
noun
4. Psychology . feeling or emotion.
5. Psychiatry . an expressed or observed emotional response: Restricted, flat, or blunted affect may be a symptom of mental illness, especially schizophrenia.

The "other" meanings. :)
>> No. 102614
File 133711569763.jpg - (12.78KB , 208x263 , richard-m-nixon-sized.jpg )
102614
Hey kids! What time is it?
"..."
That's right! It's review time! You lost 0.40833 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 2.65
Raw Plot Score: 8.3667
Your Apple Score: 5.50837
Percent Deviation from Average: 0.47%

Unlike the previous two reviews, I fully agree with the score from a subjective standpoint. If you've seen any of my other work, you know that you do not have the worst grammar score, but it is in the "lower end," so to speak. Here is what was wrong with grammar:

I won't go into exactly how to make a sentence, as that would seem a bit condescending. You should know that a dependent clause is not a sentence, even though it has a subject and a verb.

The sentences you did construct correctly were often, for lack of a better term, clunky. Your modifiers were also sometimes in awkward positions so that I couldn't tell what you were talking about sometimes.

Thoughts should be italicized.

Some things that were capitalized shouldn't have been. For example, you capitalized "yellow" on page two for no darn good reason! Usually, adjectives are not capitalized.

You need to hyphenate some phrases to make them into words. I would rather not go over hyphen rules, as this post has a character limit.

It's hard to appraise your plot because the chapter isn't finished. I know that there's nothing in the rules about unfinished chapters, but it is polite to send your reviewer a complete product. Here is what is wrong with this piece of plot:

On page 2, you say that three pairs are approaching, making noise. I later found out that only three griffons were walking down the hall. This is not three pairs! It's just three.

You said, "emotionless artworks." What about your opening where you talked about the emotions in the paintings?

Other issues would be in the comments, but you forgot to enable them.

Well, you've got a large batch of editing ahead of you, but you can place your story on my thread again if you want me to look at it for a second time. Break a leg, may the force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and (most importantly) good luck!

Vote Nixon 2012!

Nixon
>> No. 102615
File 133711606038.jpg - (17.23KB , 220x271 , FileBio37b.jpg )
102615
>>102611
What's up, home-dawg? (Kid these days say that, right?) Affect is most definitely a verb.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/affect-versus-effect.aspx

http://www.affectvseffect.org/

http://www.writersblock.ca/tips/monthtip/tipsep99a.htm
>> No. 102616
File 133711607051.jpg - (14.80KB , 350x414 , barack-hussein-obama.jpg )
102616
>>102614
>Vote Nixon 2012!

You got nothin' on me boy.
>> No. 102619
File 133711680827.jpg - (26.27KB , 475x321 , Richard-Nixon-had-a-Gay-Affair.jpg )
102619
>>102616
Please! After your wave of terror, I don't even need to do any campaigning. In fact, I think my slogan will be "Richard: he's not Obama." They won't even need to know my last name! They'll just vote for me based solely on the fact that I'm not you.
>> No. 102620
File 133711706851.jpg - (90.83KB , 800x523 , Nixon_edited_transcripts.jpg )
102620
The queue is closed. I will open it up sometime later. This means that any stories posted after this post and before the queue is re-opened will be ignored. I will still be completing daily reviews, but I am starting a project that will consume most of my time, so expect things to slow down a bit.
>> No. 102643
File 133712432110.jpg - (34.49KB , 395x600 , 133675457522.jpg )
102643
>>102573
Bronies, as a whole, are extremely verbose. I planned on getting a review to you today, but your story is so long that it looks like I'm going to have to postpone the review till tomorrow.
>> No. 102830
File 133722929539.jpg - (410.62KB , 973x733 , discord_by_kawaiipiepie-d4at0l0.jpg )
102830
>>102619
If there were any more roleplaying in this thread, and if I were on Ponychan often enough to obsess over posting etiquette, I'd say it's getting out of hand. But, well chief, you've done plenty of reviews so far, and they look good to me (I've read a few of them), so I'm inclined to think this is a swell review thread you're providing here.

I just want to remind you that if people get too disruptive, you shouldn't hesitate to report them.
>> No. 102885
No image of my beautiful face on this review, as I am not allowed to download photos at school.

Come one, come all! The wonders that are below this text will shock, horrify, and amaze you! Witness what happens when someone tells Nixon his opninon is worth anything. Brace yourself. You lost 0.090131 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 0.175755
Raw Plot Score: 7.92699
Your Apple Score: 4.05137
Percent Deviation from Average: 15.01%

The last quarter of your story was great! However, the first three-fourths were not good. As three-fourths is more than half your story, your score was considerably low. Allow me to elaborate, starting with grammar:

Consistency. You lack consistency. Throughout your story, I was not sure if the crime lord's name was "The Lady" or just plain old "Lady," you used "somebodies" and "everybodies" with "someponies" and "everyponies," and you used two different symbols to represent em-dashes.

You abused the ellpsis in dialogue. The only times you use ellipsis in dialogue is when you have left out a portion of what somepony has said or if a pony ends their sentence with a string of mumbling. You do not use an ellipsis to indicate somepony was cut-off mid-speech. For that, use an em-dash.

I've noticed that a lot of fan-fictions on this board are confusing "than" and "than." You are no exception. "Then" indicates the order of events and is for conditonals. "Than" is used to compare things.

Whenever a character said, "my Lady," I am sure you actually meant to say "Milady." It's a real word! Look: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milady

Since World-Not is a specific place, it is a proper noun (This means it is capitalized regardless of its postion within the sentence).

If you want to use dialogue tags that replace said with another word, then make sure they make sense. For example, don't use interrupted when nopony is being interrupted.

Sometimes your sentences were clunky.

Don't worry, the plot section is much smaller:

Your dialogue doesn't always reflect who is speaking. The ruffian who captured Trixie at the beginning talked in almost a formal tone. The Lady sometimes spoke in a voice too casual for the situation.

I still don't understand why The Lady isn't The Mare.

This is partially related to grammar, but it also decreased the quality of your plot. You used what I think is refered to as "purple prose" by the reviewers on this board. At one point, you said, "The dungeon smelled of blood and pain." What does pain smell like?

Your wording implied that The Lady knew Trixie was a phony, so it "threw me for a loop" when The Lady was suprised that Trixie was a phony.

The Lady has a bunch of political connections, right? I am confused as to why she would waste some of her time and resources caputring some random unicorn when she could buy a better exrocist.

When they go to confront the demons, you forgot to tell me that they left Trixie's room.

Let the editing begin! Send it back if you want more of my points.

Vote Nixon!

Nixon
>> No. 102886
File 133728098566.jpg - (184.01KB , 500x373 , anton_critic[1].jpg )
102886
>>102885
You do realize that you can copy/paste a pictures URL into the file field and the site will upload the picture from your cache, right?
>> No. 102901
File 133728614613.jpg - (22.84KB , 350x340 , nixon-victory-sign.jpg )
102901
>>102886
No, I did not realize that.

Thanks, Ion. You have a knack for making me feel stupid. :)
>> No. 102903
File 133728683296.jpg - (10.21KB , 480x360 , ego%2Bwonder[1].jpg )
102903
>>102901
Don't fret too much about it; I only learned that particular trick a month or two ago myself, and that was after roughly two years of lurking /fic/ and /meta/.
>> No. 102910
>>102886
On Firefox (Mac or PC), clicking in the File field always brings up the file chooser. Canceling out of that leaves the text pointer in the field, but it doesn't allow typing or pasting.

Maybe on a different browser?
>> No. 102918
>>102910
>Maybe on a different browser?
Not chrome.
>> No. 102920
File 133730423057.jpg - (1.87KB , 125x94 , 133728683296s[1].jpg )
102920
>>102910
You paste it into the filepath field in the window that pops up when you click the "Browse..." button. Once it's pasted, just click "Open" and the computer will autmoatically generate a path to your cache.
Since I was lazy, I just took the thumbnail from my previous post and used that.
Very handy for when you want to use a one-shot reference to something without bothering to save it onto your computer.
>> No. 102933
File 133730740733.jpg - (92.22KB , 640x448 , equestria_and_beyond_rev_8_1_by_hlissnerd46wmzm_resize_display.jpg )
102933
Title: The Southern Campaign - Prologue
Author: JessiDee
Tags: Drama, Tragedy, Script, Play
Characters: Luna, Celestia
Synopsis: A plan to bring stability to the world is brought to the attention of Celestia by her younger sister, Luna. Celestia is still distrustful of Luna, but goes along with the plan. All of this is set to the backdrop of the Lunarians, a small sect of ponies who worship the Moon and Luna, rise out of the darkness after being in hiding for 1000 years during Luna's banishment.
Length: The Prologue is 3,148 words. Overall it will be a three part play, with three acts in each part. I have acts 1 and 2 of part 1 done, but I will post those separate. Each is quite long, with just these three parts totaling about just over 9000 words. It'll be 12,000 once the third act is complete.

http://pastebin.com/U3ZDqAdA

I'm using this map as my inspiration for how the world looks, though only loosely. The outsides of the map, the Echo to the West, the Lost World to the East, and the Fade up North are the most important parts.
>> No. 102936
File 133730856376.jpg - (599.23KB , 2592x3888 , pondering_life.jpg )
102936
>>102920
What is my cache?
>> No. 102938
Title: The Unread Letter

Author: Shamus_Aran

Tags: Emotional, Drama, Letter, Backstory, History

Characters: Luna and Celestia, minor OC's

Synopsis: Luna has a lot of apologizing to do. But heaven forbid anyone actually hears her do it. So she writes a letter, to no one.

Length: 5,022 words

Link:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14962
>> No. 102945
>>102936
It's where all of your temporary internet files are stored. It's why the first time you load up a page it can take a bit, but it'll be much faster the next time you do (assuming you haven't deleted your cache or the website hasn't undergone major changes during the interim). Youtube is a good example of this, as are sites with lots of .gif images.
>> No. 102946
File 133731079210.jpg - (153.84KB , 500x500 , i_am_not_a_sith.jpg )
102946
I'm still awaiting confirmations on the "A Question of Sacrifice" review in >>102614 and the "No Rest for the Wicked" review in >>102885. If the authors of these stories are reading this, just tell me whether or not you got to read your reviews (at the very minimum).

Jake the Army Guy, Nonsanity, and LordPlagus777: I'm really sorry guys! I get more of your chapters done soon. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a cupcake in my eye.

The queue has re-opened! John Meihaus, expect a review tomorrow.

Queue:
>>102225
>>102933
>>102938
>> No. 102949
>>102946
If/when you do get round to mine again, I've got the new chapter 1. It's a completely different start to the story.
GDoc: http://www.tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon1
It's currently only on one other review Queue, MintyRest's.
>> No. 102958
>>102946
>>102949

After re-reading my own prologue, I think it would be a bit better to post the first act of the first part as well. I think the prologue doesn't stand well enough on it's own to show where the plot is going. It's an additional 1,700 words. Sorry!

http://pastebin.com/A6jcV6Sq
>> No. 102983
>>102946

John...?

Twitch
>> No. 102985
File 133731921017.png - (78.11KB , 320x317 , 112896 - Absurd_Resolution artist-jungleanimal derpy derpy_hooves vector_art.png )
102985
>>101428
Word count: 4,169
Tags: [Sad] [Romance]
Desc: All of the children of the ponyville school house gather around on a rainy day as Donny Doo tells the infamous tale of the well known mail mare. Ditzy
>> No. 102986
Darn it forgot link

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21575/1/Remembering-Ditzy-Doo/Remembering-Ditzy-Doo
>> No. 102994
>>102614
Review acknowledged, and my apologies about the late reply, but school just sorta came around and punched me in the dick, so I haven't had the chance to go ahead and take it in properly until now. But non the less, thank you for your time, it means a lot to finally be reviewed properly by someone.
Expect to see the new version... soon, hopefully.
>> No. 103056
File 133737171856.jpg - (90.83KB , 800x523 , Nixon_edited_transcripts.jpg )
103056
I am, like most writers on this board, an amateur. Dropping the whole President Nixon act, I'm just a seventeen-year-old junior who has never been published. Anywhere. I try to avoid making mistakes, but sometimes I do (Call an idiom a colloquialism, being unaware of alternate meanings of affect, etc). However, today I have learned that I have used improper terminology on several of my reviews. A thread was recently posted (I cannot tell you by whom) that questioned the meaning of the phrase "show; don't tell." I responded, and it turns out my definition of this phrase was wrong. My point was still valid, but the issue I was describing was not "show; don't tell." I feel that where the showing should start and the telling should end is a subjective issue. I have never taken points for "show; don't tell," and I never plan on doing so. I hope you all can forgive me for providing inaccurate reviews. In the future, I promise to deliver higher quality reviews with a greater degree of accuracy.

Thanks again guys,


Nixon
>> No. 103066
File 133737440066.jpg - (31.65KB , 500x274 , 130140124669.jpg )
103066
>>103056
Him not being a crook is debatable, but at least he's honest (in certain situations and contexts, with exceptions given--but not limited--to certain events involving the result of two hydrogens and one oxygen atom combining, with the aforementioned occuring in conjunction with gates).
>> No. 103073
File 133737728250.jpg - (85.50KB , 1284x1926 , 2008-09-28-nixon06_thumb.jpg )
103073
>>102225
Although some of John's recent posts have implied an unstable mind, I have decided to review him anyway. :) You lost 0.168776371 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 8.64979
Raw Plot Score: 9.32489
Your Apple Score: 8.98734
Percent Deviation from Average: 43.788%

Wow! That was great. There is not much to go over, but I do want to touch upon some things, starting with grammar:

"Alright" is not actually a word. If you want to be technical, it is nonstandard, but another nonstandard word is "ain't." You wouldn't write "ain't" in the literary style you're going for, so you shouldn't use "alright." Use "all right."

It bothered me when H.A.T.E.R. would start speaking with lowercase letters. I didn't know what you were trying to convey when you wrote the dialogue that way. I had to take points off for consistency because you never properly explained the lowercase portions of dialogue.

Be consistent with em-dash style. I don't care if you use a single hyphen or a double hyphen to indicate an em-dash--I just care that you use the same symbol every time.

There was a minor typo with the capitalization of the beginning of a sentence. See the comments in the doc for an exact location. You also forgot to capitalize "Princess" once. I assume that was another typo. See the doc for an exact location.

Now, let's talk plot:

Because of the Rule of Funny, you did not lose points for the following complaint: if H.A.T.E.R. had access to Twilight's IQ scores, then he should already know her name.

Your climax was confusing. Twilight's magic failed, so she had to grip the side of a platform to avoid falling to her death. This part is fine, but then you say she has to go back to the other side. How does she accomplish this? Was the expanse of lava only a few inches across? If so, she could have just gotten across with a hop, skip, and jump.

H.A.T.E.R. says "FINAL TEST" when Twilight is really taking the final portion of the penultimate test. I know what you meant, but this type of wording is unclear.

Good work! I think you may need one more round of editing before you post this up on FIMFiction.

Pleasure reading you,

Nixon
>> No. 103183
File 133743259460.jpg - (14.75KB , 460x288 , wogan-debate_1591692c.jpg )
103183
>>102933
Expect a review tonight.

>>102938
Expect a review tomorrow.
>> No. 103203
>>103183
Yes sir, thank you sir, Mister President.
>> No. 103214
>>103183

Of course Mr. President. I eagerly await your review
>> No. 103218
>>103073

Well, flip me over and fuck me sideways! I wasn't expecting that at all. Thank you, I'll get to work on those edits right away.
>> No. 103479
>>103183
I guess it's true what they say about campaign promises...
>> No. 103484
>>103479
Sorry! I had finals, and my grades are slightly more important than reviewing (but only because scholarship people are paying me and you are not). I'll get you a review tomorrow. I Pinkie Promise (and nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise).
>> No. 103486
>>103484
That's perfectly alright, Mr. President. Grades are important. I just wanted to make sure you remembered.
>> No. 103488
File 133765052304.gif - (54.58KB , 267x400 , tumblr_lk7opgPxLQ1qfl6kxo10_400.gif )
103488
>>103484
If you break a Pinkie Promise, Pinkie promises to break you.
>> No. 103489
File 133765077812.jpg - (17.23KB , 220x271 , FileBio37b.jpg )
103489
>>102933
I know may be be late, but hopefully the quality of this review makes up for its tardy arrival. You lost 0.2062706271 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 1.54290429
Raw Plot Score: 8.968646865
Your Apple Score: 5.255775577
Percent Deviation from Average: about 18%

A lot of points you lost were simple typos. For example, in line 72 of Act I, you forgot the apostrophe in the Twilight. I'm sure you're aware that Twilight is a possessive noun in this case and needs the apostrophe to indicate ownership. You just didn't proofread carefully enough. There were other times (example: lines 117 and 118 in the prologue) when you forgot to space between lines. Proofread this. I'm talking directly to you. Don't give this to Chocolate Milk or MintyRest; sit down and look at this yourself. There are basic errors in this text.

It is considered good taste to put stage directions in italics. It is also considered good taste to write complete sentences in your stage directions. Also, you switched between using "Exeunt" and "Exit." I don't care which one use, but only use one. Personally, I prefer Exeunt. I don't really think it's necessary for you to say "scene in" every time a new scene begins. Since you just said "fade scene," us readers know that the next set of stage directions is for the next scene.

When Luna refers to Celestia as "Tia," you must place an apostrophe before the t to account for the five letters you did not type.

When somepony is cut-off mid-sentence, use an em-dash to signal the interruption instead of an ellipsis. In general, I feel that you used the ellipsis too much. Remember that an ellipsis is only three dots. In line 105 of the prologue, you used four dots.

If you want to connect two independent clauses without a conjunction, use a semicolon, not a comma. If you use commas in this case, you have written a run-on.

Don't start sentences with numbers! (Line 146)

The "forest" in "Everfree Forest" should be capitalized, as with the first letter of every word in "Summer Sun Celebration." Mayor, however (unless it is starting a sentence), should not be capitalized.

In line 31, you may want to reconsider the rhyme scheme here. As it is, you are rhyming "do" with "do," which makes you look like a lazy writer (I'm not saying that you are a lazy writer; that's just the impression you give with this kind of rhyme scheme).

Line 38 of Act I: We are not writing in HTML! Take off the emphasis tags and put the words in italics.

"Alright" is not really a word. Use "all right."

Time for plot issues:

The first glance of conflict in the prologue is a bit confusing. You don't exactly answer how the people on the dark sides of the world know who took away their chaos, and you don't really explain why they want chaos in the first place. Looking carefully, you could find reasons, but you aren't very clear with them, and honestly, the general audience on Equestria Daily isn't going to scrutinize your piece as intently as I have.

Nightshade answers a question that she didn't hear, as the stage directions told us she was out of ear-shot when the question was asked.

You start the prologue at twilight and you start Act I at twilight. Do you have a reason for this? To me, it just seems unoriginal.

Celestia talks to a guardspony as if his name is "Guardsman" (Act I, Line 74). His name is probably not this. You should take out this appositive all together.

Line 45 of prologue: Why were the guards even there in the first place?

Happy editing! Feel free to re-post after you have attended to some of these issues.

Vote Nixon 2012!

Nixon
>> No. 103510
>>103489

Hehe, thank you. Glad someone finally reviewed it!

I'll get right to work on these edits. As far as the Exeunt and Exit stuff, I'm not sure what I'm going to be using yet, which is why it changes. Much of this is work in progress, and stuff like that will be brought into form once it's all done.

And to the twilight thing, didn't really notice that. Act 2 starts in sunrise, and 3 in the daytime. Just happened to start at twilight.
>> No. 103552
File 133770121034.jpg - (54.27KB , 800x800 , 30520%20-%20artist_request%20cool%20rainbow_dash%20storm%20thunder[1].jpg )
103552
Big changes here. Chapter one is brand spanking new, from the ground up, and bares no similarity whatsoever to the original chapter one.

Chapter two has that lovely new car smell, but is actually a factory refurb. All the best bits were kept and improved, and the chaff is gone with the wind. (For example, the shipping hints are now gone. They were a distraction from the actual PLOT.)

Biggest change across the board, and across all six current chapters, is the tense. It now was. I mean it's past. I mean it's no longer present. You get what I mean! (I axed the present tense.)

As one of the few reviewers that had a look at the original one and two (though you only read two, didn't review it) I'd love your feedback on the changes.

Link: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon
Chapter 1 Word Count: 3,177
Chapter 2 Word Count: 4,933
Chapter 3 Word Count: 3,287
>> No. 103555
>>103489

Exit is singular. Exeunt is plural.

/themoreyouknow
>> No. 103559
>>103555
In that case, she used exit wrong several times and still loses the points I took. Thanks! I honestly never knew that (Obviously, because you have read my review).
>> No. 103561
>>102377
You're right after this guy: >>103552

Queue:
>>102938
>>102985
>>103552
>>102377
>> No. 103562
I used Exit and Exeunt correctly. I just used "Exit All" in one act and "Exeunt" in the next. I did, however, use "Exeunt" at the end of a scene with only one person still on stage. I was always taught that Exeunt just means "Exit all on stage" no matter the number, though I might be wrong.

Looking it up now.
>> No. 103566
File 133771708015.jpg - (8.75KB , 252x258 , 1_123125_2245632_2246167_2247195_100308_signs_exit_greentn[1].jpg )
103566
>>103562
Seems "exeunt" is the third-person plural present active indicative (whew) of the Latin verb "exire" so it translates to "they leave." Probably should only by used for groups of more than one, even if that one is all there is.

Of course, how it's used by standard practice is outside of my bailiwick. (Another odd word for you, Prez.)
>> No. 103568
>>103566
Considering your lack of authority to due arrest, and the fact you wouldn't be regulating but rather just demonstrating knowledge, I would not suggest the usage of bailiwick.

I would, however, suggest the word ken
>> No. 103570
File 133772182854.jpg - (50.26KB , 900x558 , nostalgia_pony_by_melynxe-d4po2r3.jpg )
103570
>>102938
Hello! I'm the fan-fic critic; I read it so you don't have to--or something to that effect (is the Nostalgia Critic even popular anymore?). You lost 0.199123855 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 6.41577061
Raw Plot Score: 9.00438073
Your Apple Score: 7.71007567
Percent Deviation from Average: about 16.5%

[Insert a way to transition to the grammar critique here]:

You should say "Dear Princess Celestia:" with the colon. Only use colons in the greetings of the letter when the letter is to a business or is intended to be read in a professional place, such as an office. I wouldn't be so picky about this, but according to your version of events, Luna probably had some role in the creation of the colon, which means she should know how they are used.

Because you used terms like "guardspony," you must use "nopony," "somepony," and "everpony." It just makes good sense.

"How dare...she!" You may want to put this in italics instead of quotes. If you keep this in quotes, you should really move the closing quotation mark to the end of the paragraph. Speaking of this paragraph, you forgot to press the space key once (unless "dareshe" is a word).

"Princess" shouldn't always be proper, but when you are referring directly to Celestia or Luna, it must be proper.

You forgot several quotation marks. For example: "Did you know Celestia...either." should be in quotes (and the ones I've just put around it don't count!).

"Oh...Um...Oh my." Should at least be in quotes. You'd make me very, very happy if you were to also put all of these words on the same line. You don't have to, but it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I understand using fragments in Luna's letter to keep up with the conversational tone you've been trying to set up, but when you switch to third-pony narration, you shouldn't use sentence fragments unless you've got a darn good reason.

"Cutie mark" is not proper.

[Witty plot portion transition goes here]:

You called Discord a chimera when he is referred to in the show as a draconequus.

In your explanation of the creation of earth, you make no reference to the events of "Hearth's Warming Eve" or to Princess Mi Amore Candenza (Cadance). I would have liked it if you brought them up, if only in passing.

You say that nopony has ever talked down to Celestia. What about Discord? Surely, he was never too polite to her, considering they are enemies. You don't have to change your story for this complaint, as I see that you said this for dramatic effect.

Good job! I think you may get tens from me if you re-post later with the modifications that I have prescribed applied to your story.

Vote Nixon 2012!

Nixon
>> No. 103571
>>103570
without the colon

Sorry!
>> No. 103582
>>103570
Thank you, Mister President. I'm currently implementing the recommended changes.

I've tried submitting to EqD, but the plot's too rote for them to accept - I'll have to do revisions of an entirely different kind before they'll give me the time of day.
>> No. 103584
File 133773361815.png - (66.37KB , 500x446 , tumblr_lro6rfqIxE1r3sz5jo1_500.png )
103584
>>103568
bailiwick, noun
1) the district within which a bailie or bailiff has jurisdiction.
2) a person's area of skill, knowledge, authority, or work
"to confine suggestions to one's own bailiwick."
He "professed ignorance, as of something outside my bailiwick."
>> No. 103585
>>103584
>I accidentatly the thread.

The usage of bailiwick has been an evolution of the notion that one is limited to an specific area where one has authority and is capable of making judgment abouts. As already stated, its the first definition.

In fact, the usage of it outside of legal background is about a hundred years old and it is mostly to define the area of authority of groups such as principals, directors, managers, scientist who guide specific places, literary experts in positions to correct people, etc. Authority is a necessity for the proper meaning and entomology of bailiwick.

On the other hand, ken, originally an Scottish word, derives it's meaning from the ability to be acquainted with a piece of information and being capable of assuring it's validity by, the roots being "to become acquainted with, to know" which in this situation, seeing how it is the presidents thread rather than his own, would make it more appropriate than the authoritative (and segregative, using it's real meaning than the one it acquire in the US) usage of bailiwick in this situation.

Wow... I am such a bloody nerd...
>> No. 103593
File 133774152200.jpg - (22.13KB , 413x310 , ap_richard_nixon_jef_111110_main.jpg )
103593
>>103585
You're all off topic. This is a review thread. I made a vocabulary thread a couple days ago. Please continue this debate there (Sorry to be a jerk, but I'm just so good at it).
>> No. 103595
File 133774211494.jpg - (85.50KB , 1284x1926 , 2008-09-28-nixon06_thumb.jpg )
103595
>>103582
The main difference between an Equestria Daily pre-reader scan-over and a Nixon review is how objective the reader is. I am completely objective on this thread, so I do not even account for rote plots. I did feel that your pot was a bit routine, but that's a subjective matter. I do not give you my opinion on this thread. I simply attach a numerical value to your work that approximates its value in the eyes of pre-readers. If you have noticed, you got a 7 apple score, which means you have to do more editing before submitting to Equestria Daily. You submitted, and they rejected you, which shows that my system has accurately predicted pre-reader response. Don't feel too bad about being rejected. Nobody who has posted here has got a score high enough that I would recommend posting to Equestria Daily.

Hope this wasn't too long-winded. :)

Vote Nixon 2012!


Nixon
>> No. 103603
File 133774373320.png - (538.46KB , 410x2048 , 131803282739.png )
103603
>>103595
I feel the need to post this now, despite how often it gets tossed around.

Applying objective criticism to writing apart from mechanics is possible, it just takes a lot more effort to substantiate. That can be intimidating to new reviewers, but what they don't realize is that anyone can make a statement about how they felt about something in regard to the story and still have it be an objective statement, because it's objective in regards to describing their reaction to the story. The next step, I suppose, is finding out the why in that reaction, and putting it into a nice little package of explanation that an author can understand.
>> No. 103642
File 133778046979.jpg - (14.75KB , 460x288 , wogan-debate_1591692c.jpg )
103642
>>103603
Wait a minute. You're saying that subjective criticism is objective in the fact that it exists, therefore is an object that can be described objectively? To me, that's like saying a person is a potato in the fact that we both have skin. That doesn't make much sense to me.

I guess my big question is: how does one quantify rote or hackneyed or "show; don't tell?" Is there an exact number of plot devices that are present that automatically classifies a plot as bad? If not, how can I accurately predict reader response? I don't really want to give people who post here my opinion. I want to tell people what their story is worth, which I think is more important than my opinion.

Sorry if that was too rant-like for you. Have a smiley face. :)

Nixon
>> No. 103643
File 133778316647.jpg - (130.40KB , 1020x602 , pwnorbepwned.jpg )
103643
>>103642
>I want to tell people what their story is worth
Are you sure that, like, this is the way to do that? 'Cause like, you can take a n00b story, and you can make it all grammary and like make it so it makes sense and works with canon and stuff, but then it'll just be, like, a n00b story with some fixing. Which is cool... but if it's a n00b it's gonna get pwned. That's, like, a law of nature.

Don't, like, devalue your opinion, Mister President. If authors wanna be pro, they're gonna need all the help they can get.

"To truly criticize, you must criticize all things."
>> No. 103645
>>103643
>If authors wanna be pro, they're gonna need all the help they can get.
I think that's the key phrase here. I've had the honor of having the same story reviewed by several different people now, and I can say one thing with certainty: Each has things they are more likely to find, and things they are less likely to find.

It would be nice to have some transparency as to the exact (or near-exact) nature of the Prez's algorithms here so that we can better understand exactly what his numbers mean. (But heck, this is NIXON we're talking about. Transparency? Puh-leease!)

Second opinions aren't worth much if they are come to by the exact same means. :)
>> No. 103651
>>103645
I have a link in the sticky that explains exactly how I calculate your scores. Basically, you start with a perfect scores. Then, when I see a plot hole or a flaw in your grammar or style, I take off a ratio of 1000 to the word count of your story to the category to which the error applies. After I have determined scores for plot and mechanics, I average the two values to get your apple score.
>> No. 103652
>>103643
While your point makes sense, you still haven't answered my question. Who defines a story as "n00b?" Maybe you think a story is terrible, but as long as all the commas and periods are in the right place and the author doesn't contradict himself, then there is nothing truly wrong with the story. Whether you like a story and how well the story has been written are two completely different matters. In this thread, I aim to focus on the latter. I'm not saying it's wrong to review a story the other way. That's just not what I do here.
>> No. 103699
File 133781562057.png - (8.50KB , 62x85 , qo81aq.png )
103699
(I think the queue is open – it's kinda vague, so sorry if the queue is shut)

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5841/Jericho

[Adventure][Comedy][Dark]

Judgment Day. According to the Holy Bible, it is the day when the Messiah does battle with the Elements of Harmony in a baptism of fire. It is where the righteous ponies shall be spared for a new and eternal Imperium of Heaven. Today is Anno Domini 60,012, and the forces of Satan and Kane battle for control of the Elements of Harmony, the winner will be able to “save” the world – though who between them is the “good” guy is ambiguous at best. For whoever controls the six Elements shall control the universe; whoever controls the six wielders of Harmony shall be a god.

Enter Jericho, the Prince of Prussia. He is a precious pawn in this game: he is the key to the salvation or damnation of the Elements, not that anypony actually know how he relates to anything. This is the tale of Armageddon as told by Jericho, a sarcastic, snarky, self-centered, and amoral stallion as he is forcefully dragged alongside the big heroes, the Elements of Harmony and Princess Luna – not that he likes them or that they like him any more than he likes them.

I ask for reviews of:
Prologue part 1: 7,612 words
Prologue part 2: 4,294 words
Chapter 1: 4,128 words

It's something of a dark comedy, but that's because OC is a sociopath (and might have borderline personality disorder) who legitimately doesn't know the difference between right and wrong – though he's a high-functioning sociopath.

Things of note: OC's native language is German (it's referred to as "Prussian"), and his language lacks the "any/everpony" pronoun, which is reflected somewhat in the prologues.
Moreover, the Prussian culture is very anthropomorphic – to the extent of wearing pants, using leather, and eating meat (A plot point somewhat later on).

Also, I'd vote for you. (This is completely unrelated to anything related to my review request). Thank you for taking the time to either review Jericho or to inform me that that the queue us closed (no sarcasm intended).

Have a good day, Nixon!
>> No. 103714
File 133782545267.jpg - (26.27KB , 475x321 , Richard-Nixon-had-a-Gay-Affair.jpg )
103714
>>103699
I anticipate your vote. :)

For your benefit and the rest of the board: my queue is open. I'll get to you right after these guys:

>>102985
>>103552
>> No. 103715
File 133782555836.jpg - (34.49KB , 395x600 , 133675457522.jpg )
103715
>>102985
Your link's no good. I'm taking you off the queue.
>> No. 103741
Hello there Mr. President,

To make a long story short, I wrote a story and my goal is to get it on EqD. My 3 editors and I have already went over it extensively, however upon submitting it to EqD I was rejected because of basic grammatical errors. I am really bad at grammar (science major here) and I was wondering if you kind fellows can help me. I would like your honest opinion the story, if it sucks then please tell me. Basically, does my story have the potential to be on EqD? I need help on locating these grammatical errors.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold

It has been up for about two -three days, I am at 13 Likes and 1 dislike.

I could greatly use any help.

Also to any mods out there, sorry bout posting a topic about. Yes I actually misread the rules.
>> No. 103743
Again sorry,

March to the Scaffold

Word count is 4k
Genre: Sad, Dark, and Slice of Life (probably removed as chapters go on)
>> No. 103771
>>103741
Out of curiosity, I took a look at the first page, and there are some grammatical mistakes. (I've been getting a refresher course in grammar from my own proofreader.)

The best way to get help with grammar and punctuation is to copy your story over to Google docs. There, a reviewer can easily make comments that point to the particular place where the problem lies.

One thing I saw twice in your first big paragraph was in the following pattern:

> Stuff here, and more stuff.

If "more stuff" can't exist as its own sentence, then the comma shouldn't be there.

>She went to the store and bought some apples.
>She went to the store, and she bought some apples.

The "bought some apples" isn't a complete sentence, while "she bought some apples" is. The first reads better in this case, but shouldn't have the comma.

Also, go ahead and read your story out loud, TO someone if possible, or just to the cat if need be. Hearing it can make things pop out that you might not notice when just reading.

>Left only with her thoughts, she could only imagine her inevitable fate at the hooves of her captors.

The double "only" there jumped out at me. This isn't wrong, it's "only" a smoothing. :)

Keep an eye out for comma splices too. You have a few unnecessary commas in later paragraphs.

But pop this baby in GDocs and you'll get even more help with that sort of thing. :)
>> No. 103810
File 133791222783.jpg - (21.02KB , 500x342 , richard-nixon-scarface.jpg )
103810
>>103552
Wow! What an improvement! You lost 0.3147623544 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 8.111425873
Raw Plot Score: 9.370475291
Your Apple Score: 8.740950582
Percent Deviation from Average: about 34%

Since you had done so well, I had to be picky. Let's start with grammar:

Whenever you're using the article "a" in front of a word that starts with a vowel sound, you must change the "a" to "an." See the comments for an exact location.

You described sound as being sweet. I'm not sure what you were trying to convey there. I know that you're attempting imagery, but why are you telling me what the air tastes like? I think you want to tell me what the air feels like.

In addition, you used sweet again in the very same paragraph. Vary your word choice!

Plot problems:

After Dash leaves the train station, you wrote the next few paragraphs in such a way that I wasn't sure at first whether or not Dash had already eaten. Just be a little bit more clear.

"[B]ut not without pattern or reason." Take out the reason. If Dash is simply preforming the tricks from memory, then she isn't reasoning at all.

Expect comments soon.

Good job!

Nixon
>> No. 103823
File 133791743943.png - (128.67KB , 636x197 , spoiler.png )
103823
>>103810
>Wow! What an improvement!
I have to thank the reviewers and my excellent proofreader for helping me relearn things I forgot twenty years ago. That makes such a huge difference. "Thank you ALL!"

>Whenever you're using the article "a"...
Yay! A Typo! :D

>You described sound as being sweet. I'm not sure what you were trying to convey there.
Using "sweet" to describe a pleasing sound is not only common, it's in the dictionary: "pleasing to the ear; making a delicate, pleasant, or agreeable sound; musical." Do you think I used it incorrectly?

>In addition, you used sweet again in the very same paragraph.
But you are right in that I'm using it twice in that first paragraph. Different meanings each time, but still... One of them will have to change. Not sure which yet. :)

>...I wasn't sure at first whether or not Dash had already eaten.
>[ It’s amazing how everything can seem okay after a good meal, thought a pleasantly full Rainbow Dash as she... ]
Not clear? Wow. I thought "after a good meal" and "pleasantly full" would be enough there. I'll take a look at it.
Ah! Our quick discussion just now in the doc explains the problem. It's not that paragraph so much as the one that follows, which is a flashback to the café. I'll make it far more clear that it's a flashback. (In fact -*types*- just did.)

>"[B]ut not without pattern or reason." Take out the reason. If Dash is simply preforming the tricks from memory, then she isn't reasoning at all.
Hmm. When an apple falls to the ground, it does it for a reason, but it doesn't reason out the why beforehand. Here Dash is flying in a certain way, and there is a reason for it, even if she's doing it idly and without thought. The line is to indicate that she's not flying the patterns without reason: her stated familiarity makes them automatic.

From the GDoc:
>[ "Dash drew back, surprised at that." ]
Not only is "at that" unneeded there, as you say, but removing it serves to highlight that I used "surprised" in the previous line of dialog too. I will change one of them.

I wanna be cool like the cool kids, so "café" it shall be!
Can I hang out with you now? I'll stand over here and not get in the way... :D

Oh, as for my idea for GDocs to add some on-screen indicators for changes that have occurred above or below your current point of view... I did make the suggestion to Google here:

http://productforums.google.com/d/topic/docs/-AvF6J_NQHk/discussion

Feel free to chime in with support if you think it would be nice to tell when a comment has changed live somewhere else in the doc! :)

Thanks again for the review of the new chapters 1 & 2. (That looked like as far as you went this time. Yes?)

>(The pic is a joke! But it shows how the problem can be on either end. I'll try to fix mine! :)
>> No. 103824
File 133791774384.gif - (625.51KB , 400x312 , 131493255975.gif )
103824
>>103823
Maaaaaaan...

That was supposed to read "Yay! An Typo!"

Damn toypos!!!!

>gif
>> No. 104080
Title: The Southern Campaign
Tags: [Closet Drama] [Tragedy] [Dark]
Author: Jessi Dee
Synopsis: A plan to bring stability to the world is brought to the attention of Celestia by her younger sister, Luna. Celestia is still distrustful of Luna, but goes along with the plan. All of this is set to the backdrop of the Lunarians', a small sect of ponies who worship the Moon and Luna, rise out of the darkness after being in hiding for 1000 years during Luna's banishment.

Links:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ACT7jL_TUtJJKLRIyG5BcdtBbwswlAyKqv_fHGCeCCM/edit

Part 1, Act 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BP98Zwtns_mR--rGPxuOpKPBqmnkB9nUiex80xw3bQE/edit

Part 1, Act 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xLGrQ65iYeKI85F7Ut9cDZFyx3oQSV2mDp9xZwcQMoo/edit

Part 1, Act 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/135eE42JIVdbJQ78cg6e89X19xpfHxp9Q6Z_eCfLCNXs/edit

Word Count:
Prologue: 3215
Act 1: 1756
Act 2: 2663
Act 3: 4540
Total: 12174

As far as the things discussed prior. I tried to fix as much as possible.

As far as the guards, I put them there to show that there is actual life going on between these scenes, and I feel as though they show that the throne of Celestia is well guarded and has consistency (The guards are always there in the show).

And for "guardsman" I took it out in the previous position it is in, but I replaced it within the story somewhere else. I feel as though it characterizes Celestia as an uncaring ruler. I'm trying to paint her as one of favoritism, with nihilism for all others that aren't considered deserving of her attention.

I know it's long, and I don't mind if you only review the prologue and first act again. Whatever you feel is necessary. Hope it's not too much.

-Jessi Dee
>> No. 104264
File 133820458422.png - (212.51KB , 875x914 , read belle.png )
104264
Hey Mr. Nixon, it's me again.
I was just wondering if you could review my story once again. I've improved it quite a lot, and I'm sure it's way way cleaner than before.

So uh...

Title: Rarity's Bad Mane Day
Tags: Comedy/Slice of Life
Words: 7016
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D_RG4RxCBpoeuWKFcIvyXBHKnUhZykpha4s_UUvDnQg/edit
Summary: Sweetie Belle pulls a prank on Rarity, but a good laugh is not the only thing that she wants.

So uh... that's it. The blue letters are the improvements in the story. Basically, what I added/modified.

And uh, if you don't accept re-reviews that's fine too.

Thanks.
>> No. 104293
File 133822370814.jpg - (922.67KB , 1024x768 , 31276%20-%20america%20american_flag%20july_4%20rainbow_dash%20salute.jpg )
104293
Happy Memorial Day everypony! Remember, that cheap plastic plate on which your food is resting came from China, which means you can thank me, the president who opened up diplomatic relations with China, for that plate.

Vote Nixon 2012: He promises more plastic.

>>103699
Expect a review today or tomorrow. My finals end tomorrow, so I should increase review production rate soon.

>>103741
Don't worry. I haven't skipped you. I've just been very busy. Expect a review soon.

>>104080
Expect a review of at least one of the acts before the week is out.

>>104264
Look at the text above. You're right after these guys. :)

Remember Nixon in your will,

Nixon
>> No. 104549
File 133834375881.gif - (156.65KB , 600x410 , Carter_Nixon_Deng.gif )
104549
>>103699
I've got a slice of cheesecake waiting for me, so I'll be succinct. You lost 0.13170025 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 3.9417805
Raw Plot Score: 8.81469775
Your Apple Score: 6.37823915
Percent Deviation from Average: about 4.8%

Grammar issues:

Typos are embarrassing. They make a writer look three times stupider than they actually are. Prepare to be embarrassed:

"[M]y very favorite spell in a trick called 'Hammerspace.'" You meant "is," not "in."

"I jerked my headed in the direction of the sound[.]" You see what's wrong here, right? Look at "headed." It doesn't make sense in context.

"The flame whistled through the air as its immense heated washed over the battle." Take the "ed" of "heated." If I remember my physics classes correctly, it is inaccurate to say an object contains heat. However, I do not aim to measure your grasp of physics, and I may have remembered this incorrectly.

The above is just a sampling of your typographical errors, so proofread this work before publishing it anywhere.

Whenever a sentence begins with a dependent clause, you must separate in from the rest of the sentence with a comma. How do you recognize a dependent clause? It has a subject, verb, and begins with a key word phrase that makes it impossible for the clause to function as a sentence without an independent clause (a grouping of words that contains a subject and verb--a sentence). Some examples of key words and phrases:

after

in order (that)

although

insofar as

as

so that

These key words and phrases are referred to subordinating conjunctions for those of us who like to sound smart.

Be careful with the words you use. For example: "burning a huge blaze." The blaze is not what is being burnt! You can describe something as being ablaze, but fire itself cannot catch on fire just like ice cannot freeze. On a semi-related side note, sometimes you wrote redundant phrases like: "Only child and firstborn son." If he is an only child, the reader is smart enough to figure out the character is also the firstborn.

If shot someone at a very close range, you have shot them at "point-blank" range, not "point-black" range.

Then is for conditionals (If x, then y) and ordering events in a sentence. Than is for comparing things. (Nixon was a better president than Carter.)

If you're really cool, you'll fuse the a and e in daemon like this: Dæmon.

Plot issues:

Jericho's behavior is inconsistent with his history. He surprised that daemons can talk, yet he has fought a war with them, so he should at least be aware their methods of communication.

Talker changes gender several times in the story. You use "he," "she," and "it" pronouns to describe Talker. Unless Talker got some surgery that you forgot to tell us about, you need to pick one pronoun to describe Talker.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who is saying what. Add a few more speaking tags.

Happy editing, and remember Nixon in your will,

Nixon
>> No. 104553
>>103642
You have completely missed my point, or have made a strawman out of the statement I had tried to make.

To put it another way, a statement concerning how one feels about a particular aspect of writing is an objective statement, provided it is honest. However, this level of critique can be chalked up to personal opinion and easily dismissed outright, which is why I said it can be objective but is more difficult to substantiate. If you've spent enough time in a high school or college English course, you'd be familiar with how substantiation of a statement concerning literature requires drawing analogies to preexisting work to highlight literary tools used in the construction of a written piece (among other things), as illustrated in the seventh frame of the comic I shared with you in the last post I made in this thread. That is what is meant in the statement that criticism of writing can be considered objective, but only with greater effort. To hand-wavingly dismiss that as subjectivism dressed up in academic pretense would be an uncouth mistake.

Judgment of a story or writing style that can deign itself to be at least somewhat objective requires a foray into the process of writing itself, so that it may gauge just how skillful the writer is, in addition to what level of complexity in the thought process was required for that writing. I hope that clears that up.
>> No. 104556
>>104553
And, to tie that with my original statement: the why in a reader's reaction inevitably leads to one of several places, among them most prominently the reader's taste/mood. Those are a mere elaboration of feeling and thus superfluous to mention as a "next step" towards better criticism. However, if a reader can produce a statement concerning preexisting literature or reality, it's a better gauge (I'm inclined to think). Quite often I find myself using reality, for the lower-lying fruit -- wherein someone's writing contains certain things that cannot, due to the context and purported goal of the story, be considered literary devices, but absurdities whose most likely cause is the writer not thinking it through carefully enough. Take this statement of Mr. Clemens for instance:

> When a personage talks like an illustrated, gilt-edged, tree-calf, hand-tooled, seven-dollar Friendship's Offering in the beginning of a paragraph, he shall not talk like a Negro minstrel at the end of it.

In other words, an inconsistency in the characterization (in this case, the speech of a character), or at least one that leaves no hint of being intentional whatsoever, cannot but be seen as an error that the author made (by not making effort to realize the characters fully).

Also, if I may say so, it is extremely ironic how you claim to strive to judge how much a story is "worth", and how worth isn't subjective in the way that personal opinion is---and yet, one man's trash is another's treasure.
>> No. 104594
>>104293
I would like to thank you in advance for reviewing my story, March to the Scaffold. Regardless of the score I appreciate your time. I do hope you like classical/romantic era music. Sorry if there is any spelling mistakes in the post I using a mobile device.

Also great diplomatic skills with China.
>> No. 104604
File 133839143557.jpg - (109.04KB , 550x380 , richard_m_nixon[1].jpg )
104604
>>104553
Implying that I don't pay attention in English class? Really? Do you actually want to go into petty-insult territory? I should warn you: I am the master of petty insults. :)

I apologize for misunderstanding you.

I understand that plots can be bad from ineffective dialogue and improper usages of literary devices. If you would bother to read any of my work before preparing your post, you would know that I advise writers to steer away from these types of mistakes (They do lose points for them too). When I say subjective criticism, I mean basing something solely on your opinion, like saying you didn't like how a story made you feel, so you label it as terrible.

Rather than assuming that I am an idiot, try to understand what I am saying. Remember, we're all amatuers here, and chances are you're not a good deal smarter than I am. :)

Remember Nixon in your will,

Nixon
>> No. 104607
File 133839313562.png - (20.10KB , 184x187 , Shang Tsung - friendship.png )
104607
>>104604
I do not assume you didn't have some modicum of education, but that you did, and that you'd remember it (but I'm sorry to come across as condescending). And no, that did not imply you did not; the word "imply" is one of the most abused words on the internet, as it has come to mean "mildly insinuate by inflection or perceived tone of words." Its literal definition is to require by virtue of logic and the actual proposition of the statement in question.

I believe I understand you now--
> like saying you didn't like how a story made you feel, so you label it as terrible.
I agree that judging a thing as good or bad is indeed extremely subjective if based on personal feeling. If no judgment of quality is made, however, it is merely an observation, and one that an author could find useful (if it's well-articulated and not limited to genre/tone prejudice).

I'm sorry for making such a big deal out of this and invading your thread. Thanks for humoring me and explaining your point of view well.
>> No. 104640
My story is rather long, so if R. Nixon would be so kind as to fire me off an email at the email supplied in the post when he has reviewed it, I would be appreciative. This is so I can avoid having to constantly refresh this page on my mobile internet; and so he can get to it when he feels is possible.

[Title] Time & Space
[Author] SomeoneD
[Tags] Dark, Crossover [Homestuck]

[Synopsis] Sburb. A game of trials, pain, suffering and fighting. But, a game with difficultly such as this comes with a suitable reward; A universe of their own to rule as Gods, or live in as Mortals.

So, why precisely did they get dropped into Equestria?

[Links]
FIMFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28511/Time-%26amp%3B-Space

[Type] Multichapter.
[Length] 8,518 words.

[Notes] I'm on my third strike for submitting this to Equestria Daily. Any mistake, any error you find, I'd like to know about it. I'd like to fix it. I'll take any advice or criticism you are willing to give me. That apples to anyone on this board, not just you. I have asked for other reviews, as well, as I would like a variety of views on this. If your maximum score is 10 apples, then I will rest easy at 11.
>> No. 104642
File 133841346592.jpg - (85.50KB , 1284x1926 , 2008-09-28-nixon06_thumb.jpg )
104642
>>104594
I love the piece of music you've selected! Expect a review tomorrow (I Pinkie Promise).

>>104607
And thank you for the tip on imply. :) Now I have something else that will allow me to take points!
>> No. 104644
>>104640
I mean second; my final submission is the next one I do.
>> No. 104654
File 133842097696.png - (32.79KB , 500x500 , 500px-Facebook_Logo_Mini_svg.png )
104654
Dear (Former) President Nixon,
I hope that you will be understanding concerning my situation, but I would like some help.
I am writing a story that concerns ponies. It is special because it is told mostly as if the reader is reading an archived Facebook Chat (you know what Facebook is, right?). However, Mr. (Former) President, I will not be sharing the story with you. I will instead be sharing the opening scene because that is what I really want to get right.
Please follow this link for more instructions: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SeH0wne2nqR_lvQcZSlwE79NE3HF2JxZzp1myoCbvTk/edit
>> No. 104751
File 133849338063.png - (447.64KB , 1280x720 , Twilight_Sparkle_Book_Not_Amused_S1E01[1].png )
104751
Hey, Ricky!

While continuing to work on the big story, I churned out this short one-shot over the weekend. If you've not got much on your plate and are free from your finals, I'd love your take on it. (I'll love anyone's take on it... all constructive/destructive feedback is useful.)

Minty may be looking at chapter two from another link, but it's not on his chart yet, so I'm not sure.

Title: Words Failed Her
Tags: [Adventure]
Words: 6600
GDoc: http://tinyurl.com/wordsfailedher2a
Synopsis: In a world full of magic, even books can get viruses. When any correspondence or signpost can infect the unwary and cases are already starting to turn up around Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle casts the one spell that can give her time: the Curse of Illiteracy. Now she has to figure out how to stop the epidemic... without being able to read.
>> No. 104786
File 133851438007.jpg - (66.07KB , 410x312 , nixon%20mouth.jpg )
104786
I am about to enter my senior year of high school. Because of the nature of the courses I am taking, I have a lot of summer assignments, so, as of June 5, the queue is closed, permanently. After I clear my queue, I will be requesting a deletion of this thread. Do not fret! I will return on September 1st, but I may not be Nixon (I'm considering doing an Adolf Hitler review thread). If you want me to score a story over the summer, just request me in the Training Grounds.

I had some family issues today (I don't wanna go into much detail, as this is the Internet). My point: I will not be able to get anything reviewed today. I will start reviewing again tomorrow.

Queue:
>>103741
>>104080
>>104640
>>104654
>>104751
>> No. 104788
>>104786
You will be dearly missed.
However, you might want to consider a different persona to review as, since Hitler can attract unwanted mod attention. Might I suggest Stalin or Chairman Mao?
>> No. 104790
>>104788
I like the idea of Mao (it ties in with Nixon well, as Nixon opened diplomatic relations with China). Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and just review stuff as Satan.
>> No. 104792
File 133851613095.jpg - (9.82KB , 200x200 , rabbihorns.jpg )
104792
>>104790
> review stuff as Satan.
DOOO EEEEET
>> No. 104793
File 133851662087.jpg - (20.50KB , 315x450 , 131319402617.jpg )
104793
>>104790
>>104792
But then I couldn't call myself the devil of /fic/ anymore without the implication that you hold a higher position :|

If you want to be Satan and a political figure, why not Dick Cheney?
>> No. 104803
File 133852112165.jpg - (68.62KB , 400x306 , 21283163[1].jpg )
104803
Alternatively,
>Pic
>> No. 104816
>>104803

This.
>> No. 104830
>>104803
>>104816

I can see it now...

"Zoidy want correct grammatical structure! Zoidy want proper verb-tense agreement"

"Ohhh! But I just fixed that!"
>> No. 104831
File 133853510116.jpg - (64.53KB , 405x401 , 87681 - dyam_that's_one_ugly_pony meta Star_Wars yoda.jpg )
104831
If passive voice you write, angry Yoda will be. Do this only Yoda does, copy you must not. Right in all things Yoda is. Reviewed you story will be.

Anger is led to by bad grammar. Hatred of writers is led to by anger. Violent outbursts of passive rage are led to by hatred of writers.

(More consistent grammar this Yoda has. Yes.)

To join my queue happy you will be.

Yes. Be you will. Be... You will.
>> No. 104834
File 133853604222.jpg - (1.85KB , 125x71 , 133332872645s.jpg )
104834
>>104786
>>104831
>pic because Heil [Insert Character Name]
All the best, Mr. President. You've done some mighty fine work in your tenancy. It's not like I've been skimming your thread to read your reviews, nope, no sir-ree. All the best... and may the Force be with you?
>> No. 104840
File 133853847035.jpg - (70.22KB , 500x333 , 3791329768_18761480a9[1].jpg )
104840
>>104831
I really, really want to answer with Yogurt to this, but I also don't want to be banned for RPing, so you win this round, Yoda.

Apologies if I started a nasty (if somewhat humorous) derail in your thread, Nixon.
>> No. 104878
File 133857415519.jpg - (2.74KB , 362x217 , 715.jpg )
104878
Dankeshöne, President Nixon. I did not realize there was such an issue with my grammar. Though I supposed grammar would be my weakest element, as I began to write this story simply as an exercise in bettering my skills with the English language. (Though coming at the heels of a major rewrite sans editor might have something to do with it.)

*Bows head* Again, thank you. I will fix these issues! I'd vote for you still. Best brony president ever (of America). No, wait, forever. That's, like, four ever! Though, and I must ask, is/would it be considered bad form you ask for your help (in a proper post, of course) with regards to my later chapters?

Have a good day, Mr. President (As a side note: is it bad if Stalin (dead serious about Stalin doing my art) is the guy who draws all my art?)
>> No. 104884
>>104834
Thank you! No, I will not be doing Yoda. Annoying, that would be.

>>104840
Don't worry about it. :)

>>104878
Post whatever you want me to do, but get it in before June 5.
>> No. 104890
>>104640

First off, I am not Richard Nixon. I'm a random lurker.

Second, I could give you a broad review on some of the things you need to change, if you'd be willing to accept my commentary and if Nixon doesn't mind someone stealing his job.
>> No. 104897
>>101428
Mr. Nixon, I have a fanfic that plans to be novel sized. I only have 2 chapters so far. It is about a young soldiers rise to becoming President of the RFE (A nation that is based of the United States).
- I do plan for the protagonist to get married but I do have a question; you did say "no procreating" but does that mean no describing the process or does that mean no protagonists having children (without describing the process).
- After reading some of your reviews stressing the use of "alright" I do plan to remove the "pseudo-word" from my story but I can't seem to find the option that searches for words in a document. I would appreciate it if you could identify the parts where the story says "alright" so I can remove them.
Thank you and enjoy the story!
>> No. 104901
>>104897
Derp derp, forgot the link
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-KWbhRBN_4vhI_U4DRQzjQsjtffyrmKhSHGTr_Qkmnc/edit
>> No. 104908
File 133858336866.jpg - (11.81KB , 358x292 , spoiler.jpg )
104908
>>104901
>Can't find the find function... Pic related.

1.) Open document.
2.) Press crtl-f
3.)Write alright in the box
4.)?????
5.)Profit.

There's even a replace function, you just have to look.
>> No. 104909
File 133858348591.jpg - (22.31KB , 472x479 , giant-nixon1.jpg )
104909
>>104897
Just don't describe the process. I was born into a Quaker family, so I just don't like to read that kind of stuff.
>> No. 104911
File 133858367541.jpg - (85.50KB , 1284x1926 , 2008-09-28-nixon06_thumb.jpg )
104911
>>104890
I stole from the country, so I don't care if someone steals one story from me. Have fun!

Nixon
>> No. 104918
File 133858690765.jpg - (13.13KB , 400x300 , saturday-night-live-frost-nixon-skit_pt-1_std.jpg )
104918
>>103741
Live from his mother's basement, it's a Nixon review! You lost 0.926784 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 0.732159
Raw Plot Score: 9.07322
Your Apple Score: 4.90269
Percent Deviation from Average: 28.02%

Ah, grammar! Yet again you doom a good writer to a mediocre score! Your grammar errors were as follows:

The onomonopia you used should have not been followed by ellipsis. The ellipsis imply that the soldiers are walking slowly--or dragging their feet.

Your first sentence was "The sound of marching hoofbeats...Canterlot." Your second preposition in this sentence is not the best one to use. Instead of using "on," consider using "surrounding." Did you even intend for the second prepositional phrase to modify "air."

Your third sentence was a comma splice. There are a couple ways to fix it, so I'll let you deal with it in whatever way you deem fit. I recommend putting a comma after "success" and removing the comma after "enemy."

There were one-or-two typos. For example, you capitalized the word "yet" in the middle of a sentence. A round of proofreading will get rid of these errors.

You used the word "relatively" without having two objects to compare. There must be two things that you are comparing when you are using any form of the word "relative."

Only one plot hole! Take pride in your writing skills! Plot problems:

You say that Chrysalis doesn't acknowledge a difference between the noble and the common pony, but you had spent the entire paragraph preceding the sentence with this information telling us about all the differences Chrysalis noticed between these two types of ponies. Either she noticed the differences or she didn't!

Have fun editing your grammar (or at least try to have fun)! Pleasure reading you,

Nixon
>> No. 104919
>>104918
I forgot a question mark. You'll see where.
>> No. 104924
>>104831
>If passive voice you write, angry Yoda will be.
That was directed towards me. I know it was.
>> No. 104927
File 133858913698.jpg - (128.62KB , 1000x1000 , 1297490823553.jpg )
104927
>>104918
>Criticizes grammar
>onomonopia
Onomatopoeia, my good man. Don't fret, 'tis one of the most silly words in the English language.
>> No. 104928
>>104927
Well...that's embarrassing. Thanks!
>> No. 104930
>>104890

Ok, going off of Nixon's scale of ranking, your fic doesn't even register on the small end of the scale. This is going to take a lot of work to fix, buddy. And to Nixon- I think this guy is a special case of bad writing that exceeds my reviewing ability. Could you do me a favor and take over from here?

(NOTE: If there is already a reviewer by the name of Palette, and I'm pretty sure that there is, then I apologize. I do not mean to impersonate you.)

I didn't bother to review this work in its entirety. Rather, I restricted my review to the first part of the first segment for reasons that will soon come to light. With that said, my comments are below.

I don't even know where to start on the grammar issues. To keep it simple, never put a comma before 'and'. That's a serious and rather annoying grammatical error that seems to crop up a lot in your writing. There's really too many errors for me to go through your work and point out examples, so I'll end this section here.

Second, take this stuff out

>(speaking from your linear standpoint of time progressing as a line)

What you mean by those descriptions may be clear to you, they may make some sense to me, but the average reader isn't going to get what you mean. Try re-writing those scenes without putting anything in parentheses, if you believe that to be possible. Another thing- try to focus on an exposition of the main character, who appears to be an entity named Liam, rather than just throwing us into the middle of your plotline. I see what you're trying to do here-you're clearly trying to start from the middle of the story, and work your way back through the introduction. That really isn't a writing tactic I would recommend for anyone, let alone someone at your level of ability.

Third of all, your story doesn't seem to have a plot so much as a random cluster of illogical
descriptions. To fix this, you need to include exposition in your writing. Show us the protagonist at the start of whatever series of events led to whatever is supposed to be happening in the work at the start of the fic itself, rather than throwing this sort of crucial information in as a second thought.

Fourth of all, I think that I should go ahead and recommend a total re-write of the 'introduction' segment of the fic. Just try to imagine that you're talking to someone as you write. Here's one other thing I recommend, as far as writing comprehensibly is concerned- keep your narration grounded in the third person and past tense. Switching from third person to first and then to second in mid-sentence is too confusing for anyone to understand. Also, don't be afraid to blatantly describe things. You don't need to encrypt every description.

To summarize, your fic is confusing and horribly underdeveloped in terms of plot and characterization. I may sound like a hypocrite saying that, but I did in fact read through the entire fic.

I do not claim to be the final arbiter of your work. If you disagree with my review, then so be it.

(Another note to Nixon, assuming he read this far- English isn't my first language. Sorry for the grammatical flaws in this review.)
>> No. 104934
File 133859163070.jpg - (144.92KB , 600x600 , the-oxford-comma-eric-edelman1[1].jpg )
104934
>>104930
>To keep it simple, never put a comma before 'and'.
Unless it's an Oxford comma or if it's in dialogue, where such rules are relaxed.
For example, the Oxford comma helps with this (there's a picture version, but I'd probably be banned for posting it):
We invited the strippers, Chairman Mao, and Nixon.
As opposed to:
We invited the strippers, Chairman Mao and Nixon.
The second one implies these two powerful political figureheads are, in fact, the strippers in question. As such, the Oxford should be used.
>> No. 104936
>>104934
Unfortunately, calling Mao a stripper would not be inaccurate. Trust me, I know (worst visit to China ever!).
>> No. 104937
>>104930
And this ties into that accessibility thing that Minty and the others discussed in their thread. Proven here, this fic is completely inaccessible to anyone unfamiliar with Homestuck.

Author: keep in mind that that may not be a bad thing, if you're aiming to write for Homestuckers.

Oh, and what >>104934 said. According to http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/020204WhenCommaBfAnd.htm you should also use a comma when following "and" with a independent clause. Be more careful about your sweeping proclamations, reviewer.
>> No. 104939
>>104937
Personally, if you don't take whatever the pre-readers and the reviewers tell you with a grain of salt, you are doing it wrong.
>> No. 104947
>>104937

I'll keep the comma thing in mind. Sorry if I offended you with my 'sweeping proclamations.'
>> No. 104948
>>104918

Dear Nixon,

Thank you for you helpful review. I am glad to know that the plot of the story is sound. As for grammar well this is my ACT ( 30+ for all subjects and then BAM terrible grammar score bringing down my average) all over again. Grammar is my biggest weakness by far. Your review is a lot like what I got from the EqD pre-reader. Great story bad grammar. I am working on getting the grammar fixed.

So thank you for the time and effort on your excellent review. Good luck with your future.

Also on a side note, a couple of suggestions for your next review thread. I just thought of a couple of people you could use.

GLaDOS
Henry Kissinger
McCarthy
Leonid Brezhnev
Lenin
Chrysalis

Thanks,
Foxy Kimchi
>> No. 104952
>>104947
I recall a while back the coterie of /fic/ was mentioning how people kept giving people wrong advice when they reviewed others and that they really hated that.

I'm quite sure it's one of them, so don't sweat it too much.
>> No. 104963
>>104952

Personally, I think I did rather well with my review considering that my first language was Japanese. Out of everything I could've gotten wrong, I doubt that an obscure rule of grammar really mattered. But this isn't a social thread. Let's cut the chit-chat and get back to writing.
>> No. 104965
>>104952
I used to advocate LUS and say that one should format with both indents and double-spaces for new paragraphs. Everyone has some blank spot or another, and we should be doing our best to help each other fill them.
>> No. 104980
>>104908
That does not work when I am editing on google docs. And even if ti does I am on a Mac using Google Chrome.
>> No. 105129
File 133869519766.gif - (156.65KB , 600x410 , Carter_Nixon_Deng.gif )
105129
>>104080
I don't know if it's Sunday wherever you are, but it's Saturday at the White House, so I guess this review is on time. Yay punctuality! You lost 0,220264317 points per error. Your report card:
Raw Grammar Score: 2.73127753
Raw Plot Score: 8.23788546
Your Apple Score: 5.4845815
Percent Deviation from Average: about 19.3%

Warning: if you're feeling super-depressed about your grammar score, then the following text will not make you feel much better:

Please, please proofread your stuff before posting on Ponychan. I was going to compliment you on your italicized stage directions and use of the phrase "all right," but there were times when you forgot to italicize stage directions and used "alright." It hurts me to take points for these errors because I know you know better.

Let's talk compound sentences:

Simply put, a compound sentence that contains two or more clauses that could individually stand as sentences.

Nixon is a brony, but he hasn't told any of his friends.

Notice that if you replaced the comma and "but" with a period, the two formed sentences obey the rules of grammar.

Nixon is a brony. He hasn't told any of his friends.

Which way is better? It depends on what you're writing.

Be careful! Make sure your second clause stands as a sentences. For example:

Nixon got a shower, and fed Checkers. Incorrect, "fed Checkers" is not a sentence.

Nixon got a shower and fed Checkers. Correct, we are using a compound predicate.

In the first compound-sentence example, the "but" links the two sentences together. "But" is an example of a conjunction (other conjunctions include: and, as, and nor). A conjunction in a compound sentence is always, ALWAYS, preceded by a comma. If you're feeling fruity, you may replace the comma and conjunction with a semicolon, but I do not recommend doing so (in most cases). There are a few places in this text where you're going to have to replace some commas with semicolons.

Know when nouns are proper! When referring to Discord the entity, his name begins with a capital letter regardless of positioning in the sentence. When referring to a high state of entropy, only capitalize discord when it starts a sentence. You made several flaws in this category.

Plot issues:

I know I'm reading this out of order, but I see the first scene as being completely superfluous. The "great evil" the goblins were after doesn't exist. What a waste of ink! Maybe try having the goblins meet Blueblood in another way.

The motivation for the attack on Philomena was weak. The forces of the goblins is already smaller than expected, so they need a really good reason to go out of their way to attack the place.

I know that you don't use "everypony" and "anypony" in your stories, but you absolutely cannot call stallions men in your stories in the same way you cannot call bacon a dolphin or algebra a black-and-white umbrella.

Discord wasn't nearly fun enough. He shows up, vomits blood, vomits exposition, and then vomits more blood. Try to liven him up a little bit. He may be weakening, but he still is the master of chaos. At least make his dialogue witty (and while you're rhetorical question at the beginning of his monologue is good, it is not enough).

The goblin can never move out of the reach of Bluebood's sword, as Blueblood fights with magic, making the reach of his blade practically infinite.

I'll get more done soon. Stay beautiful!

Nixon
>> No. 105255
>>105129
Sentence, not sentences.
>> No. 105289
File 133878295952.jpg - (47.76KB , 320x320 , 5.jpg )
105289
Dear Mr. President,
I would be my honor it if you would review my fanfiction Lux Equestria. I'm trying to get it posted onto Equestriadaily, but I've been rejected twice. My main weaknesses are my misuses of commas and semicolons but any critiques you can give me are grealty appreciated. There is a total of 15,620 words at the moment. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15184/Lux-Equestria. Thank you.
>> No. 105310
File 133880697659.jpg - (70.44KB , 250x370 , sadcadance.jpg )
105310
Title: A Heavy Crown
Tags: Sad, Tragedy, Romance
Description: I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29008/A-Heavy-Crown
Word Count: 8,283 (so far)
Additional Comments: Sorry it's not a g-docs. I wanted to get a proper review of this before I added chapter 4 and broke the 10k word barrier. Thanks in advance.
>> No. 105321
Title: Derpyball

Tags: Comedy, Normal

Description: Ponyville is getting ready to host a Dodgeball Tournament when Gilda shows up, challenging them against her own team. As they prepare themselves, Twilight and her friends learn a surprising secret about a certain crossed-eyed mailpony. Will Ponyville be able to beat Gilda and her team? Or will they taste rubbery defeat?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uUCUuBE3YG3Cez-8_T4vyDHpbwTwoTV0R04SFe9eul4/edit

Words: 6770

Comments: This is actually a rewrite since I was attempting to do a few new things with narration, but the original wasn’t as good as it could have been. The goal was to make it as episodic as possible.
>> No. 105404
>>104786
>If you want me to score a story over the summer, just request me in the Training Grounds.
I'm a little bit new here. Might I ask what/where the Training Grounds are?
>> No. 105407
>>104786

I just read this. Does this mean you won't accept further stories? If not, then okay. I just posted this story on another reviewer for a second opinion.
>> No. 105408
File 133885762151.jpg - (22.13KB , 413x310 , ap_richard_nixon_jef_111110_main.jpg )
105408
I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for the slow review rate. Two replies and my queue:

>>105404
The Training Grounds is a review board that is not owned by any particular reviewer. You post your story there, and somepony just shows up and reviews it. Personal review threads (like this fine one you've stumbled upon here) are maintained by one reviewer, allowing you to know the quality of the review you're going to receive before you even request a review. The Training Grounds are at this link:

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/103159.html

>>105407
I will not accept stories from June 5th onward. You're within the deadline; don't sweat it. :)

Queue:
>>104640
>>104654
>>104751
>>105289 (Cool picture!)
>>105310
>>105321
>> No. 105435
File 133886157814.jpg - (221.66KB , 701x550 , reading.jpg )
105435
>>105408
Thanks for clearing that up for me. I asked because I was wondering if you would oblige me in reading the rest of my story over the summer. I am not going to update it now because I want to make the beginning as good as I can get it before I write the rest. After all, I don't know about the rest of you, but when I read a new story, I usually tend to read the beginning before I decide whether or not it's good enough to continue.
>> No. 105441
File 133886346846.png - (1.41MB , 1000x755 , words_failed_her_by_foxinshadow-mod-by-nonsanity-3-small.png )
105441
>>105408

You can take me off your queue, Sir. Heavy hangs the head, and all... :)
>> No. 105448
>>105435
Email me your story to [email protected] We'll talk more then.

>>105441
Somepony denying one of my reviews? Words fail me (I'm sorry; I had to). You have been taken off the queue. See you in September! (Assuming you still even come here then)
>> No. 105491
>>105448
Oh, I'd still be interested in your input, but I've started the EQD submission process, and that's likely to finish before you get down your queue to me. I didn't want you to get there only to find I'm already published on EQD—assuming that actually happens! :D

Can't waste the prez's time, after all. :)
>> No. 105533
>>105408
You forgot me!
My post:
>>104897
(You even replied to it)
>> No. 105694
File 133904086780.png - (4.14KB , 256x256 , waiting_room.png )
105694
(Former) President Nixon? Are you still there?
>> No. 105740
Relax, he might be busy with some real life stuff.
>> No. 105742
File 133906303187.png - (293.57KB , 850x705 , 135961 - crossover edit fluttershy humanized konata_izumi Lucky_Star rainbow_dash tsukasa_hiirag.png )
105742
>>105694
>>105740
Not might. Is.

>>104786
>> No. 105903
File 133919569334.png - (233.66KB , 340x353 , Nixon-depart.png )
105903
I'm so sorry guys, but I simply can't keep up anymore. I have summer assignments for two of my AP classes, and I'm trying to get a few scholarships. Since this king of stuff is important to my future (keeps me off the streets and whatnot), I have decided to close the thread without finishing my queue. I hope the people waiting for reviews can find some way to forgive me.

If you still want reviews (which I'm sure you do), visit MintyRest or Chocolate Milk. Mr. Milk doesn't really review; he proofreads, but his work is excellent nonetheless. In fact, Chocolate Milk inspired me to review here, so you can be confident that his work is superb. Make sure you check if Milk's queue is closed. I've read a few of MintyRest's reviews, and all of them are top-notch. Even if you don't get a review from him, check out his work. I guarantee you'll learn something.

So long Ponychan! It's been absolutely terrifying (seriously, I feared for my life on a daily basis). I will haunt the Training Grounds during my precious spare time. Ask for your story to be scored with apples, and I might do it. This September, I either return as Nixon or do reviews as Jack the Ripper instead. I request a thread lock.

May Fortune ever grace you with its smile (or some other cheesy closer to that effect),

Richard M. Nixon, (Former) President of the United States of America and not a crook.

The Top 3:
1) W.O.M.P. by John Meihaus 8.98734 apples
2) Paradise Lost by RaptorSenior 8.80 apples
3) Rainbow Typhoon, Chapter I, Second Edition 8.740950582 apples

The average story score was about 7 apples.

Nixon's Favorite: Bloodline by Jake the Army Guy (Element of Hooah) Although the plot was a little hackneyed at times, Jake is a very talented writer; this story is worth looking up.

BYE!
>> No. 105904
Yes I see the typo. Shut up; I think it's pretty.
>> No. 105912
Thread locked by request.
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