That always bothered me deeply during that episode how clear her wings were. No distortion at all.

I haven't looked at the gdoc yet but once I fully read what you posted here I'll give it a look.
Thank you for the review, I plan to put it to good use.
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/100769.html#103095

Author: ToastiestZombie

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Sad][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Ah can't remember much about that day. All I can remember is that ah wanted Winona to fetch a stick. With the help of a kind nurse I'll finally be able to remember what happened next.

Links:
Rewrite, and version I want reviewed.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uy5ZdKlMfxKWC11CP43M3YANchIVYpqwqUplsZ44nbE/edit

First version, read this to get more light on what the EQD pre reader is talking about.
http://mattawesome94.deviantart.com/#/d4yxysf

EQD pre reader comments on the first version of the story: There are a number of issues going on so I'll present them in summary form.

1) Comma mis-use. You're stringing them together. While this might be technically accurate, you can re-phrase and it will flow a lot better.
2) Telling vs. Showing. All of this is via Applejack's recollections. You can draw readers into the story by presenting the same information in dialogue format. As you present it, Applejack is old and bitter and dying of old age in a hospital bed. This is ripe for flashbacks... as you have done, but it could be done with Applejack talking to the others.
3) Strange plot. It seems the farm went to heck right after Granny Smith died with no real explanation. Applebloom simply became more sullen, Mac stopped smiling, and everything began falling apart.
4) Awkward phrasings. This can be worded quite a bit better.

What was about to happen had to happen, Winona’s suffering was about to end, leaving us in her wake.
5) OoC: Applejack. Even if she did have to put Winona down, she'd never leave her alone for a minute. She and that dog were inseparable.
6) (Provisionally) OoC: The rest of the 6. I can't imagine them not being there for her, as tight as they are. But there was no mention, which gave the impression that Applejack truly WAS alone.
7) OoC Applebloom. Unless something seriously bad happened between her and AJ in the intervening years, I can't imagine Applebloom would not be there at AJ's side.

This last one is more of a statement than anything else, but Winona has been dying a lot lately. These stories have got to shine in order to pull people in. I think yours can get there, but it's going to need a fair bit of work.

I hope to get a review soon, it will be of great help to me.

Posted this in the old thread, but I'll cross-post it here.

Long review is long: http://tinyurl.com/7965tge

The short version is that I loved the characters, not so much the way the thing is written.

Okay, Markarian, here's what's up. I ratcheted my pickiness way up for the purpose of making line-by-line comments on Brony. As a result, they're taking forever to complete. I'm almost through chapter two at the moment. So here's what I'm gonna do.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1my_OWPQt8mYvO_SoXG88tMF2TU9Zpx3PdWTON0ZDxxs/edit

I'll enter my notes for chapter one into the above google doc as soon as possible, and then I'll add my comments on the other two chapters as I complete working on them. Meanwhile, I'll give you the big impressions I got from your story, and my general advice, right now, so you can chew on the really important stuff for a while before we get down to the details.

And now, time to put on my :seriousface:

***

I want to start out by stressing that story reviews are not handed down from on high by seraphic reviewers who spend their time playing harps in golden mansions. Reviews, like stories, are products of thought and effort. Therefore the proper way to receive a review is thoughtfully and carefully. Uncritical acceptance of a reviewer's opinion is just as bad as thoughtless rejection. I have seen many instances in which a writer, tripping over himself to implement his reviewer's suggestions, will put far too little effort into crafting the revised text. The result is that the story is transformed from one which, despite the author's efforts, contains some errors, into one that just feels half-assed and schizophrenic.

Judging from your writing, however, I don't have any reason to think that you will be one of those authors. So I'm encouraged. But this is so important, that I feel like it bears endless repetition: think about my (or any reviewer's) suggestions, and recognize that the ultimate responsibility for making all the decisions about your story lies with you.

And don't try to make those decisions too quickly. Give your revisions the time and respect they deserve, so that your story can shine across Equestria!

Moving on. Your story (so far) is probably within the top 25% or so of all pony fanfiction in terms of quality, and probably within the top 5-10% of authors' first stories. It's also in the top 5-10% in terms of how well-written it is (meaning spelling, grammar, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc.) You do, in fact, have a pretty nice story here, and I think you must have at least suspected as much before now. My criticisms, therefore, are (for the most part) not with the sorts of obvious flaws that characterize amateurish fiction. So, you shouldn't let any of the negatives I'm about to point out trick you into thinking that your story isn't good. It is. Believe it.

***

The story is structured so that it doesn't skip anything, really. It shows just about everything that happens to Caleb, from the time the story begins, in a calm, paced manner. Further, the prose is quite even-handed, remaining stylistically similar throughout the story. These qualities heightened the immersion for me, by making the story-reading experience more like a moment-to-moment living experience. However, I still think there were some scenes that ought to have been sped up or skipped but weren't, and some places which needed a subtle stylistic shift but didn't receive one. In those places, the style felt cumbersome and inflexible, and was much more of a liability than an asset. At any rate, I also felt like I was being carried along by the stream of the story's narration in a sort of weird, passive way that some readers might not like, and to which I was largely indifferent.

Maybe that effect was also partly due to Caleb (the main character) being left largely a blank slate. Caleb doesn't actually do very much in this story; he gets led everywhere, first by fate and then by ponies. As a result, opportunities for you to characterize Caleb by his actions don't come around much. And you haven't done a whole lot of characterization by other means, either. I can't figure out if you intentionally made Caleb an indistinct character, in order to try to allow more readers to relate to him, or what. If that was your intention, then I think it's misguided, because it's one of the paradoxes of fiction that the more specific and idiosyncratic fictional characters are, the more sympathetic readers tend to find them. (I'm pretty sure this is because such characters tend to be vivid and easy to imagine, and thus light up in the reader's mind more brightly.)

As an illustration, let me describe myself as follows: I'm a male brony, a Christian, 20 years old, and I enjoy reviewing fanfiction. I like video games and music. I'm unemployed.

Am I a boring, generic brony, or what? But that's about equivalent to the sort of characterization you've given Caleb.

Now let me try to describe myself again, more interestingly: I spend about eight hours a day listening to music. My conscience constantly reminds me that wasting so much time is probably immoral, but I drown it out with more music. I've never had a job, and I'm insecure about that, because I feel like I'm mooching off my family's goodwill; so I'd like to have a job. But I also have long, messy hair and a ridiculous beard, neither of which I've cut since I started watching MLP in February of 2011. (I think of this non-cutting of hair as almost a religious sort of commitment.) I can't imagine anyone would hire me with the way I currently look, but I really don't want to cut my hair, because that would "break the commitment". I spend hours every day thinking about this issue. I drink the salty juice from olive jars and eat kiwis with the fuzzy skin on. I drink about a gallon of tea every day, and brush my teeth about once a month.

Isn't that a bit more interesting? It's less flattering, definitely, but I think I made myself seem like a living human being. Now, is there any good reason for keeping Caleb as generic as he currently is, rather than making him more vivid? There are a lot of opportunities for characterizing him. For example, you made Caleb know about the symptoms of hypothermia. Why not give him an interest in some related field that could explain that knowledge? Such knowledge could even come into the plot of the story later on, if you desired it to.

I don't think that this is really just a matter of "making the character more interesting". It's more than that. A character's experiences, attitudes, and interests will literally shape the entire way he sees the world around him. Consider this scene from Brony:

***

>But Caleb didn’t answer. His gaze was drifting skyward as he heard a rushing of air far above his head. Some of the remaining clouds that had remained from the evening chill were moving seemingly on their own accord, away from the town. And as the clouds parted to let in more light upon the village, he saw the slowly beating wings of the brown pegasus, silhouetted momentarily against the brilliant sun before the winged horse streaked away toward the next patch of clouds.

>“Oh, my God,” Caleb softly whispered. He had stopped walking, staring upward. He was awestruck, his breath was caught in his throat. Now another flying equine joined the first, and then another, and another.

>The white pony’s eyes followed Caleb’s toward the sky, watching the beginnings of tears welling up in the man’s eyes.

***

Reading this scene, I can learn that something about Caleb makes him particularly emotionally vulnerable to the sight of pegasi moving the clouds. But exactly what is that? Just "his brony-ness"? But that's not true-to-life. (People become bronies for personal reasons, not just because MAGIC.)

For example: Personally, I think the concept of pegasi moving the clouds is incredibly reminiscent of the traditional Christian depiction of angels. And the strongest mental images I have of pegasi are from the video of the Winter Wrap Up song. The "Winter Wrap Up" symbolises Baptism, and all that jazz, to me; the coming of spring symbolises hope, purity, and regeneration, as a sort of counter-argument to Eliot's The Waste Land (which I memorized in a depressed obsession a few years back); and the combination of the singing and lyrics hits me hard in several very sensitive spots, which all have their explanations and roots in other experiences I've had and desires I've cherished.

So when Caleb said, "Oh, my God," I was right there with him, and I felt like I would have said exactly the same thing, and that it was exactly the right thing to say.

But that's not quite the same as knowing why Caleb would say it, now is it? Because I'm not Caleb. And I don't want to be Caleb, and I shouldn't have to be Caleb in order to enjoy Caleb's story.

Anyway, if you want to see just how indistinct Caleb is, read over the hospital scene in Chapter 2. In that scene, it's very difficult to distinguish different voices for Lily, Nurse Redheart, and Caleb. That conversation basically sounds like a conversation that might take place between me and my imaginary friends, where I know the outcome of the conversation far ahead of time but feel obligated to at least symbolically imitate real dialogue.

Which brings me around to dialogue... actually, my main complaint with respect to dialogue is what I just said. A lot of the dialogue feels like an imitation of real dialogue, created more to satisfy propriety than to tell a story. For one thing, many of the character voices are too similar, as I mentioned. For another, real dialogue is always at least moderately surprising. The biggest reason people ever talk to each other is to hear something that they couldn't have predicted they'd hear. But in Brony, the written dialogue remains almost entirely "safe"—in that it contains 'no alarms and no surprises.' And, as a reader it feels vaguely like you're giving me 'a handshake of carbon monoxide' with this sort of dialogue.

To put it another way: Human-in-Equestria is a genre which is renowned for its authors' seemingly endless capacity to indulge in boring, selfish wish-fulfillment. You've avoided that soul-killing trap, mostly; but out of all the elements of Brony, your dialogue comes closest to being typical of HiE stories.

Next, I guess I'll mention your style. I'll have a lot more to say about this in the line-by-line, so a summary should suffice here.

You abuse these words a bit: "the," "so," "well," "really," "immediately," "though," "at least," "already," "again," "obviously." I don't mean that you use them too often. I mean the way you tend to use them detracts from the beauty and vigor of the prose.

Some of those words, well, you sort of use them to attempt to make statements less, um, straightforward than they could otherwise be perceived as being... I mean that you're watering down your words. You're making strong sentences weak. You're making statements of fact seem tentative. You're leaving your characters spineless.

Also, you're very fond of sentences of the form "Subject verbed, verbing." Naturally, you've committed some barbarisms with those sorts of sentences. But you seem to also tend toward long sentences in general. This confounded me in places. I found quite a few XXL sentences which would have worked better if you had chopped them in two, or even amputated a clause or two from them.

Try to keep in mind that long sentences force the reader to slow down. But bad stories are generally more entertaining when you read them faster. (Proof? I knocked out Past Sins in a single sitting, and I considered it a great read.) My point? Most fanfiction is bad. So most fanfiction readers will default to reading quickly. When readers try to read long sentences quickly, though, their comprehension suffers. So, you should at least try not to bury any important plot information at the end of a lunker—there's every possibility your readers could skim right over it.

I noticed that your paragraphs, especially in the first chapter, were of an unusually uniform length. I got a vague, cynical feeling that in certain paragraphs, you only kept writing in order to reach the 4-5 sentence standard paragraph length, no matter whether the subject matter of the paragraph actually called for more or less.

In a related note, your depiction of the passage of time left something to be desired. I have no idea how long Caleb lay in the icy stream before getting up; I figure it was either around 5 minutes or around 2 hours. Also, when Caleb is on the bus: he's on there for quite a while, right? But that fact isn't acknowledged by (for example) making the paragraph where he's on the bus a little bit longer than the surrounding paragraphs. It seemed to me like a perfect opportunity to go a little more in-depth on Caleb's character. But then the bus ride ends abrubtly, and I'm left feeling like the ride only took minutes, even though I know it took much longer.

Your depiction of spatial details was quite a bit better than your temporal details. The only point at which I really felt disoriented was during the car crash scene. I couldn't figure out exactly how Caleb's body was positioned against the car, and I couldn't figure out how fast the car was going, either. (I'm thinking it was going really slow.)

Now what, now what... structure. This relates to conflict, too. Chapter One was structured admirably. Caleb had several problems, they overlapped and interacted in interesting ways (Caleb didn't want to go to the hospital if he could avoid it, because it would financially break him? Brilliant!), it began with a great hook (the stupid Christian woman on the phone was hilarious) and ended dripping with potential and making me really interested.

But after that? I'm going to call what your chapters 2 and 3 have, "one-problem-at-a-time syndrome." In chapter 2, Caleb and Lily meet, they walk, they're at the hospital, they walk, they're at the Apples' farm, and Caleb falls asleep. No one section of the chapter has any larger conflict than "We need to get to the next section of this chapter!" It's like Caleb and Lily are playing Super Mario Land. They play through World 1-1... in order to get to World 1-2. And so on. You really needed to introduce the main conflict of the story with Chapter 2, at least in an outline clear enough to give the reader something to look forward to. You mentioned the Summer Sun Celebration being two days away; I assume that it will come into the story. But you only mentioned it once, in passing. So even though my personal favorite scene in all of MLP:FiM is the scene in "Cutie Mark Chronicles" where Celestia raises the sun, I'm still not able to really feel any anticipation about seeing the Summer Sun Celebration in your story, because you put zero emphasis on it. And so on. The only reason chapter 2 succeeded in making me anticipate chapter 3 was the sentence at the end:

> Meanwhile, all of Ponyville was abuzz with the news of the strange, half-dead creature who had befriended Lily Lace.

I'm not opposed to starting off a story slowly and building up, but with this line, you sort of promised a ratcheting-up of the plot in chapter 3—something to raise the stakes, and raise readers' interests. Instead? Chapter 3 is just more point-A-to-point-B motion, but instead of physical motion, it's Caleb's relationship with the Apple family that moves. And here's the thing: you introduced no new plot elements in chapter 3. Nothing to raise my interest and keep me wanting more. You just slapped the promise of Twilight Sparkle onto the end of the otherwise self-contained chapter. And at this point, I'm starting to see a pattern, and my cynicism sets in: "This author is just going to keep writing simple story parts for every single chapter, and slap cheap lures onto the ends of them, as a substitute for establishing an immersive, satisfying plotline! I have no reason to think that this story is going to get any better than it already is! What a bust!"

Have you read the first chapter of "Background Pony" by short_skirts_and_explosions? It's an example of the sort of complex, interesting plot that I'm really hoping to eventually see from Brony. (My knowledge of pony fanfiction is sadly limited, so that's the only decent example I have to give.)

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty clueless as to where the story is going to go next. I have nothing to anticipate except Twilight Sparkle and maybe the Summer Sun Celebration. Your synopsis doesn't sound anything like Brony so far, so I assume there'll be a twist soon, which is something I have to look forward to, at least. I'm also kind of wondering how these chapters are going to tie in with the rest of the story. The first three chapters feel a bit like a visual essay about how much better and cooler Equestria is than the real world. Honestly, I'm cool with that theme, but your synopsis seems to undercut the entire notion. Surely you're not going to cynically twist some aspect of Equestria to make it out to be a horrible place? These first chapters just seem too... sincere, for that to happen.

...Hmm. Well, at any rate, color me puzzled. I think you should find some useless scenes (or hell, random weak lines or fluffy bits of dialogue work just as well) in these first three chapters—scenes which just aren't pulling their weight in terms of adding meaning to the narrative—and re-write them to include some hints as to the bigger plot. You don't need to change the tone or theme. Just include some stuff that will be interesting, by giving the reader things to look forward to, things to speculate and wonder about. A good scene to start with might be the hospital scene in chapter 2. (What exactly does that scene do, anyway, besides putting some bandages on Caleb? It accomplishes next to nothing in terms of characterization, and only minimally moves the plot along. I initially considered advising you to omit it altogether, and replace it with a quick summary of its events.)

Okay, what next... I guess that's about it, for now. If I think of anything I forgot to say, I'll put it in the google doc I linked above. Oh yeah! I think you should consider putting some section breaks within your chapters. I think section breaks look neat, and your story occasionally lends itself to them (though if you end up changing it a lot to make the plot more complex, that might not remain the case). Your choice, though.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm out. I hope my thoughts were worth the wait. I'll try to type up some DLC into that google doc for you pretty quickly, though with my time management, who knows how that'll go.

Okay, all you lovely people of TTG. I have a slightly odd request. I'd like for some young enterprising reviewer to read my whole story up to this point, a prologue and three chapters, each at about 3,000 words. By all means, point out any grammar errors or whatnot, but what I'm really after is how is it? I just got strike two from EqD, and I get this nagging feeling that even if I fix every grammar derp, they won't let me in because of the subject material. It's a HiE about a serial killer and the cop who's chasing him. I don't think they'd reject based on that alone, but because the story isn't good enough to overlook the whole "Grimdark AND HiE" stigma. So, please read, edit what you wish, but my main request is, do you like it?

Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake the Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Human
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his way into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the blood begins to spill, it's up to the Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit

>>103175
Hey, would you mind telling me what the word-count of your fic is? I can't seem to find it in the queue.

>>103175

Oh and this >>103225 is a claim, so long as it isn't over 8k.

>>103175
>>103225
>>103226
Dude. Fill out the submission form. Link's at the top of the page, under "For writers:"

Ive always loved reading fanfiction and the sort and its only today that i bucked up and decided to write my own.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27134/And-thats-how-Equestria-was-made!

From what ive been told its really rather good but id like some more thoughts/comments/concers

>and anybody who finds grammar/spelling/etc. mistakes would be wonderful

>>103234
If you're interested in somepony reviewing your story, you need to fill out the submission form. It's under the "For writers:" heading.

>>103237
Oh yes, terribly sorry. Hvant exactly done this sort of thing before.

>>103175
Okay, I made some doc comments. But I can't finish this, it's so bad.

THOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REWRITE THE WHOLE STORY!

Start a new doc. Now by writing the whole thing as a flash-back, you unintentionally spoil the ending. So open the fic with Apple Bloom starting her day, but not the exact moment that she wakes up. Then write everything in chronological order as they happen.

And don't have your character crying their eyes out. It's just depressing; no, that's not the same thing as [sad]. Subtlety is key.

Could I please get a reviewer? I understand that people may be busy with exams and work stuff, but it's just that I've been waiting a week and a half for a claim now while others have been answered in a matter of hours. The original claim is here >>101425

>>103248
Put the whole thing into a single google docs and you have a deal.

>>103249

Every chapter in one document? Alright, i'll see what I can do.

>>101425
>>103248

I don't like when people repeatedly bump requests, so you'll get what amounts to a vindictive review from me.
Review will be done when I get sick of reading your story, so from early indications, it will probably be pretty soon.

While you wait, you can start by fixing these. Explanations can be found here. http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/explanations

now." he | Capitalisation error
anywhere." the | Capitalisation error
anywhere." he | Capitalisation error
Celric. another | Capitalisation error
door." he | Capitalisation error
head. "You | You have an extra space here
risks." his | Capitalisation error
way." he | Capitalisation error
tone. "It's | You have an extra space here
there." he | Capitalisation error
route." she | Capitalisation error
books." she | Capitalisation error
mumbled as | You have an extra space here
it. Reaching | You have an extra space here
fine." he | Capitalisation error
wall. "how | Capitalisation error
solved." he | Capitalisation error
did." he | Capitalisation error
way." he | Capitalisation error
slowly. "Fine | You have an extra space here
her."his | Space following punctuation
hadn't accomplished | You have an extra space here
sound was | You have an extra space here
home." whispered | Capitalisation error
here." he | Capitalisation error
scrap." growled | Capitalisation error
nonchalantly."I | Space following punctuation
that." quickly | Capitalisation error
friend." the | Capitalisation error
that." the | Capitalisation error
anywhere." she | Capitalisation error
I?" The question came crashing | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
pony?" Farlon stuttered nervously. | Check this: You change tenses here
reward." Celric pleaded. | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
awake!" He stuttered, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
are." Farlon finished, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
arts." Farlon's younger self questioned | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
critical." Farlon groaned exasperatedly. | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
secrets." Farlon replied disappointedly. | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error

>>103253

I guess this is where I apologize... Sorry. Things have been a bit hard for me lately, and I jumped the gun. Please be merciful.

>>103242
Wait what, this must be a troll review. How can you come to the conclusion that this is about Applebloom, since this is Applejack with a nurse (not Redheart, I never said that). The nurse is reading her memoirs, it's not a flashback. Did you even read this to the end, because if you do you'll know why it has to be a flashback. Seriously, constructive critisicm is good and all. But saying "THIS IS NOT SAD" and "THIS IS SO BAD" without any indication as to why does not good review make! I'm going to go ask another reviewer to do this, because I'm not going to rewrite this again until I know if it's good or not from a reviewer who actually reads it.

>>103253
>>103254
Oh, this is going to be simply delicious.

>>103255
And have you considered that their confusion may stem from you not adaquetely describing the setting in your story? It can be difficult to discern whether your meal is pâté or poulette when it has been mashed and burnt beyond all recognition, after all.

Very well, you shall recieve my... help... for your second opinion.
Pray it is not your last.

>>103258
I think I'm gonna like you. But try not to be so dumb whilst reading it, because even my friend who can't speak good english can get what's happening. Also, can you read the whole thing. Because a lot of his points are simply there because he's making assumptions, something even I know you don't do in reviewing.

>>103255
Okay, first I'd like to apologize. I felt like horse manure when I wrote that... because I had to read your story.

Let me show you how to write a [sad] fic.

This is sad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2bk_9T482g

And this is your fic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMaAiAUX2xg

Notice how you never actually see any one crying in the first one. Granted it isn't as sad as some fics I've read, but you get the idea.

Okay, it's her memoirs. That still unintentionally spoils the ending. IT RUINS THE ENTIRE STORY

And yes I know it's Applejack's story. But it would be better to start in Apple Bloom's head, then write X number of words about Applejack worrying about her while they bury Granny Smith, and so on.


If you want another review, I guess I can't stop you. But at the end of the day, if you just polish polish polish, then the best you're going to have is a shiny piece of dirt.

>>103259
You are not going to "like" me, unless you happen to be a literary maschoist, in which case your enjoyment will be most unsettling for me. I, for one, certainly cannot think of any reason why having one of señor Gusteau's boiling-hot tasquitos rammed down your throat would be fulfilling in the least.

I will read as far as I care to read. If your story falls on its face at the starting block, you can be rest assured I will do my best to make its ugly impression in the mud as permanent as possible, so as to serve a suitable warning to others that might deign to waste a reviewer's time. Do not presume to make demands of me.

>>103260
May I ask, do you even know what the ending is going to be? Because I'm pretty sure there's nothing in those first few paragraphs that tell you what's going to happen. All we know from the fact that it's Applejack's memoirs and it's seventy-seven years in the future is the fact that she survives the story. Also, I never said the nurse was nurse redheart, so why do you immediately think it's her. I admit, I should cut a lot of the parts where they cry and replace them with more poignant actions, leaving the real crying to the end where shit gets real.

>>103253
Autorveiw chokes hard on dialog. If copypasting without verifying the erors still seems like a good idea to you, then remove the dialogue attributin erros form your list in the future.

>>103263
>I?" The question came crashing | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
>pony?" Farlon stuttered nervously. | Check this: You change tenses here
>awake!" He stuttered, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
>are." Farlon finished, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error

These four are the only lines I saw that actually might be errors with the program, and that's because the quotes are out of context. Elaborate at >>102154, if you will?

>>103262
>All we know from the fact that it's Applejack's memoirs and it's seventy-seven years in the future is the fact that she survives the story.

>she survives the story.

See, you even know that you spoiled your story.

>>103265
That's only a minor part though. Do you know what's going to happen at the END of the fic, the details. Not just the fact that Applejack doesn't die at the end of the memoirs.

>>103259
Llama sees where this is headed and Llikes it... Llet the games begin!
pLlease Ion, try to be a LlittLle gentLle with the newfoaLl... what is Llama saying, run newfoaLl run!

>>103267
Yeah I know darn well that the dog is going to die, BECAUSE THOU TOLD IT AS A FLASHBACK!

For something this done-to-death to work, it needs to be a surprise.

>>103259
>>103260
>>103261
>>103262
>>103265
>>103267

Hey bros. You bros should ask yourselves what's your life like. Open your eyes, so you might see others' points of view. There's not a thing more pure or natural than wanting to win at writing good fanfiction. But don't try to find slights and slurs to employ. Be more chill[wave]. Coolness is having courage to do what's right. Just slow it down, and it'll be clear that it's what people don't say, that's what counts. Just give each other the space you need, and you might just find that you're alright.

And know you can count on me. Because I never will, never will stop caring. May the chill be with you, bros.

>>103269
This idea hasn't been done to death. Name two fanfics that are about Winona dying.

What... just happened?

PSA: You don't need eight people sitting in the document watching a review happen.

>>103272
You don't want to know what just happened.

>>103271
Old Yeller and Marley and Me.

Yeah, I know they aren't pony fics; it doesn't matter. It's still obvious what's going to happen from the first time you mention Winona.

>>103275
Well it's really hard to disguise what's going to happen. Since well, you've got the [sad] tag, so you know something sad's going to happen. There really hasn't been a sad fanfiction that hasn't spoiled that someone's going to die. For example: Bittersweet is about Pinkie Pie's diabetes, we know she's going to die because that's the only logical conclusion.

>>103277
I've read plenty of [sad] fics where no pony dies.

It's just that it's so obvious that Winona is going to kick the bucket. Make it a surprise. If you start the fic where I suggested, it will be a surprise.

Well, not anymore...

>>103278
I just don't see how starting it with a rather minor plot point will make it any better. This is the story of Applejack and Winona sharing their final moments, not of Granny Smith's death.

>>103279
The death of Granny Smith shouldn't be a minor plot point! It's serious business.

Have Applejack be really worried about her sister. Then when she returns, we think everything fine and dandy; then start hinting that something's wrong with Winona.

>>103280 I shall consider doing a rewrite then. See, when you elaborate on your points we get on well. Just making points like that makes me think you're stupid and making assumptions. I'm going to wait for Sturm's review, then I shall go do something about this.

>>103234

So hey, I just had a brilliant breakthrough in my meditation.

I realized that WE could review stories.

Whoa.

Like, bro.

I was overwhelmed. I knew I wasn't ready for it. "But then," I asked myself, "Ever I could be?"

I asked Avey what he thought, and he said I "should just go down there and pullhair and rub eyes". He's such a bro. He always supports me.

So I'll use my mind and I'll use my hand to review this story, and not worry about what's in my way, because you gotta have it to get over it. Now, this story looks pretty psychedelic... but I'm going to try and review it without taking pills.

No matter what it takes, Pinkieponders, I will not give up on you.

>>103279
>>103280
And the preceding endless litany of posts.

If you two want to carry on a conversation, then do it by email, PM in IRC, or whatever else you like. In any case, you've already eaten up about 5% of the number of posts we get before autosaging without making any discernible progress.

ToastiestZombie, I apologize for the number of people who went into your document. I'm a mod in the channel all those people connected from. I asked them to act responsibly, but unfortunately many didn't, and I have no way of telling who was who, so I couldn't take action against individuals.

>>103283
I shall have a chat with Sturm and Azu in the IRC. Sorry, but I do get carried away with conversations very often. Sorry if it's annoyed you.

>>103254
Just a heads up. I left a possible reason for the capitalisation flags out of the descriptions. When it says you have a capitalisation error and there is a quotation mark, in many of the cases, this is flagging where the quote should end with a comma instead of a full stop. I've added the description and updated, so it should reflect those now. If you've already made the changes, you can just run it through again and it'll flag the errors in the dialogue attribution section instead of the capitalisation section. My apologies if you've already attempted to fix them.

As for the review, I've finished line-by-line comments on the prologue and part of the first chapter, and am sensing a switch to general impressions coming up, so it should show up fairly soon.

>>103256
It won't be that interesting. For me, vindictive consists of turning off the filter that makes me spend time trying to figure out the way to say something without hurting the authors feelings. It might be more blunt than normal, but I'm too pragmatic for it to be that interesting.

>>103263
If you find places where you believe the program is incorrect, I would greatly appreciate having them pointed out, so I can make efforts to fix them. However, please take them to the appropriate thread >>102154 as Filler mentioned.
The general point you made is entirely valid and I agree that authors should check each point that autoreview flags. That's why I included the "Check this" at the beginning of most assertions.
Also, in the future, especially when you are calling someone out for not checking their post, take a moment to check your own post. You made a valid point, but having an unchecked post just undermines your credibility.

>>103175
Like a faucet with a rotting stopper, your story spurts and sputters. Sentences that could be easily linked by a comma, thereby improving flow, abound.

Unfortunately for you, my eyes suffer no such leakage and remain as dry as my wit. While such emotional pandering might affect the drooling masses that populate FimFiction, you will find me to be largely immune to it.

The writing is bland like an unfrosted vanilla cake, assuming one were to discreetly switch the sugar with a suitably bitter substitue. You sprinkle pretty words about, but its presentation is still lacklustre. Then, instead of letting us try a piece for ourselves, you tell us how it's supposed to taste. In laymen's terms (and I shall probably be given a high-velocity custard pie to taste for using this "buzzword"), you tell too much and show too little.

Granted, this is supposedly her memoirs, but that raises more questions than it answers. For example, I find it difficult to see Applejack writing this way. She is a simple mare (and I mean this in the way that she's unfettered by such trivialities like flair and presentation, not that she's mentally deficent) and, as such, should have a similarly simple style.

A rotten egg, in the form of a numeral, would appear to have slipped by your quality assurance team. Numerals should never be used unless it's in regards to a time or some other special reason. It has been marked for termination in-document for your convenience.

Another assualt upon my heartstrings, yet the only thing you've managed to pluck is my ire. You cover Rainbow Dash's "battle" with cancer so quickly that it might as well have not been in there, a passing mention in a whirlwind of crocodile tears.

And then Twilight bought the farm, and not in the aggressive-acquisition sort of way, either.

You use "lay" when "laid" is the proper term. Study up on them.

Tears, tears, everywhere, and not a drop I spill. Your characters seem like they should have practically drowned in the sea they've made for themselves by now.

>Rarity with alzheimer's
It's almost as if you want to torture the main six with misfortune.


Gonna stop here. The story is just an extended string of "This is sad, so you should feel sad, too." I can't think of the last story that so blatantly tried to abuse the reader's empathy since My Little Dashie.


You.
You will read this.
See what a truly talanted writer does with memoirs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6765594/1/Tales

As is customary for a review of writing that ends up here with pre-reader comments, I'll attempt to explain and clarify the prereader comments, to put them into perspective and give you more to work with.

The first thing I noticed was that more than one of the prereader comments applied to the first paragraph. Here's why: it's terrible. I don't say this lightly, and I do not mean to belittle you as a writer in this statement, but I mean to convey to you the importance of making a good first impression, and how you appear to have neglected your writing in this regard. The paragraph:

> Stormy Acacia laid wearily on his back atop the rain clouds, quietly listening to the drops of his own work fall aimlessly to the ground below. True, cumulonimbus clouds weren’t exactly the most comfortable clouds, but at this point, he didn’t really care much. He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing. It was more of a mental fatigue. Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every day, only to unappreciatively scold them later, accusing the rain of being “tainted”. He and the others on the weather team retrieved their rain clouds from the same place as all the other towns in Equestria; the great city of Cloudsdale. The only way their rain would be “tainted” was if everywhere else in Equestria was experiencing the same problems as where he was, and he certainly hoped not. A famine that consumed all of Equestria? Acacia’s stomach grumbled just at the thought of it.
There are many errors and stylistic shortcomings in this paragraph. To break it down:

> Stormy Acacia laid wearily on his back atop the rain clouds
Laid is past tense of lay, which is transitive. This means something is doing something to something else, i.e. “he laid the device down on the table and went outside.”

> True...much.
This reads less like prose and more like casual explanation/argument for the behavior of Stormy Acacia. It doesn’t exactly flow like prose, especially due to the way it begins with “true” — which is a manner of informal speech in the narrative, or ISN as I call it. Unless you’re Tolkien or Caroll and writing an epic children’s book, or you’re at least making effort to do this deliberately and consistently to an end (i.e. for a specific purpose in the tone of the story) the narrator is not supposed to be getting chummy with the reader like this.

> He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing.
This sentence is more than a comma splice (in fact, it’s not even a comma splice in the traditional sense); it is a head-on collision between two independent clauses, which should either be each their own sentence, or connected properly with a conjunction. What I believe has happened here is that you modeled this sentence after how it would sound if you tried to speak it naturally — and yet, it would still be incorrect if spoken. That’s because without more than a paltry breathless pause between the first clause here and the rest of the sentence, there’s no indication that they’re each in their own sentence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He02Z5YdZbg

Secondly, “isn’t” is a breach of tense (present tense in a past-tense narrative). One could argue that such statements in narration are valid because they refer to general/timeless facts about the world. Personally, I could care less about this technicality; it’s still an ugly hack that gets you the proper meaning at the cost of making your writing appear more amateurish.

Finally, what is the goal of this sentence? What does it even add, if anything, to the character, to the plot, to the action, etc? All I can see in it is an empty and subjective statement about the level of difficulty associated with a mundane pegasus task. Furthermore, why use a negative (“wasn’t physically tired”) to convey what you could say with a simple, straightforward statement about how he actually was feeling, and what manner of fatigue he was under? Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.

> It was more of a mental fatigue.
Again, you have informal speech in the narrative. You are writing this exposition and description in a casual manner unbefitting to a narrator.

> Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every day, only to unappreciatively scold them later, accusing the rain of being “tainted”.
The extraneous word here is ”to”, because its presence renders incorrect your use of the word “insist.” It is set up to be transitive, but the object (what exactly the ponies below are insisting) is not constructed as a noun clause. By including “to” you are attempting to use it like the somewhat similar verb “convince”, which is naturally transitive, and actually requires using the word “to” or “that” in order to associate it with the piece of information that the convinced party is being convinced of. You wouldn’t insist someone to something the way you would convince someone to something because the object of insist in the transitive context cannot be a person, but must be the demanded notion or set of circumstances. In shorter words: you misused the word “insist.”

Apart from that, this is a cumbersome sentence, and I would call it a run-on; everything after “below” is just one colossal gerund phrase.

> He and the others on the weather team retrieved their rain clouds from the same place as all the other towns in Equestria; the great city of Cloudsdale.
This is improper use of a semicolon; here, a colon would be correct. Semicolons are for distinguishing independent clauses, as I have just demonstrated.
> The only way their rain would be “tainted” was if everywhere else in Equestria was experiencing the same problems as where he was, and he certainly hoped not.
The second “was” needs to be “were,” because it’s a conditional statement.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conditional.htm

On the plus side, you have established a decent plot hook five sentences in, but as pointed out, your execution is riddled with errors and severely lackluster.

> Marizona wasn’t exactly like a Las Pegasus hotspot, meaning not too many ponies came there; the town being several miles away from every other town.
Improper semicolon use. What follows it should be an independent clause, but it’s a gerund phrase. Fix it by changing “being” to “was”.

> Throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help, not one single bud grew from the magical sparks.
Allow me to explain the prereaders’ comments on this sentence in a way you’ll understand: who was throwing the spells? That is the subject of the sentence, and it is what the participle phrase should be associated with. In this sentence here, the only subject is the negative noun article “not one single bud”. Is that what you were trying to say? That not one single bud was throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help? Thus your sentence is incorrect and ambiguous. I believe you would benefit from a refresher on the basics of sentence composition:
http://www.towson.edu/ows/sentelmt.htm

I’m reluctant to go on. I honestly want to like this story, I really do, because it has a fascinating and intriguing premise that’s well off the beaten path of most MLP fanfiction clichés. However, it is too heavily-laden with grammatical errors and awkward sentence structure for me to enjoy it or take it seriously. I do hope you make effort to apply scrutiny to it and clean it up, and that you continue writing.

>>103219

Thank you so much for this incredibly valuable feedback. You've given me a tremendous amount to think about, and. I'll admit that after reading your review, a lot of these were problems I was subconsiously aware, I suppose. I'm really looking forward to reading your line by line and id love to hear your thoughts on the story as it progresses. Again, thank you very and the review was well worth the wait.

-Markarian

>>103253
>>101425

Yeah, this isn't much of a bite to back up the bark. Let's just go with I was fairly lenient about the whole thing.

Just at first sight, your chapters are extremely short, which means you are probably pacing them too fast and just telling a lot. Either that or cutting them off before they should be. But we'll see.

Your prologue reads like an encyclopaedia, especially the first parts. While you are getting across history, this is going to be the first thing your readers encounter and will probably scare a lot of them away.

Also, your character's name is Celric not a pony name Valiant Mary Sue detectors at full power Mustang A last name following in the footsteps of illustrious characters Rarity Unicorn, Spike Dragon, and Zecora Zebra. If he's supposed to be a revolutionary archaeologist, give him a name related to his special talent archaeology, like every other pony in Equestria.

>of Archeology
Shouldn't be capitalised. You wouldn't say field of mathematics or field of physics.

>Known throughout the land as a pioneer in the field of Archeology, his work and findings revolutionized history for the kingdom; lost civilizations, relics thought of as nothing but ponytales, nothing was left buried in the sands of time by him and his famous team of researchers.
This sentence is horrifying. The semicolon is probably used incorrectly, but the structure is so convoluted that I can't actually tell, which means that it is irrelevant. To top it off, you have unnecessary passive voice that puts the focus on the things rather the character. Rewrite this, and put it into at least two sentences.

>While his family home was comforting and spacious
What does this have to do with anything? Answer: It doesn't. There's no point to including this.

Going along with the previous comment, you seem to include unnecessary personal details in your block of history. Not only does this add extra mass to your giant infodump at the beginning of the story, but it ruins the possibility of readers taking the prologue seriously as a necessary contextual section.

>the Kingdom
You use kingdom as a general noun here, not a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalised. If it were "the Kingdom of Equestria", then it would be capitalised. On a more philosophical note, can a country ruled by princesses be considered a kingdom? I guess it is still closest to a monarchy than anything else...

>At first they were
Comma after first. When you have a clause that acts like an introductory adverb, you typically use a comma.

>For weeks they
Same as above

>An anonymous letter, sent directly to the Princess, stating that
stated
Otherwise the sentence doesn't have a verb.

>Mustang; the first time
Comma. The second part isn't a complete sentence.

>While innocent in nature, Equestria was grasping desperately for any scapegoat possible, and were quick to point hooves at the stallion.
Is this necessary? Even if you decide the sentence itself is necessary, the "innocent in nature" qualification certainly isn't.

>a cold and stormy winter's evening
Is this necessary? Will be abbreviated ITN? from now on. Read any review/guide/resource on pony fan-fiction that talks about weather reports to see why I ask.

>But what did they find?
You change from a formal narrator to an informal narrative voice here. Pick one voice and stick with it. You could actually make the introduction reasonably interesting and non-encyclopaedic if you set it as one pony telling a ghost story about Cedric, rather than just starting with contextless history. Or if you can, put off the history reveal until you encounter another character who would discover the history naturally within the flow of the story.

>when its secrets would be revealed.
This is where I would stop the prologue. The rest of it is the beginning of the story.

>It was another such night where the rain, the wind, and the sleet were at full force.
See any guide about weather reports.

>nothing unexpected... except for one detail.
Ellipses are used to denote when words are trailing off, like when Fluttershy starts talking and then gives up halfway through the sentence. They often get overused when authors use them to denote every. Single. Pause. Full stops work fine for that.
Unless you want a wishy-washy narrator, you shouldn't use them in narration. And given that you're using them here, you'll probably end up using them too much in dialogue, so take the above advice to heart.

>Too small to be of any importance, and too brief to catch any interest.
Great. So why bother mentioning it?

>"Y-you've got to remember... Don't
Called it.

There are dialogue punctuation errors here, but my previous post should have gotten them already.

>Y-your name... Your name is... Farlon?
These are probably ok.
>It has to be... wait...
These aren't.

>he continued struggling to force the words out.
If this is supposed to be a dialogue attribution Hint: the previous part is punctuated incorrectly for that section, then you should have a comma after continued, as it is a separate clause. If it is supposed to be a separate sentence, then he should be capitalised.

>were you born you stupid foal
When a character is addressed in dialogue, you offset the address (typically their name) with commas. It's called a vocative comma if you want to look for a general rule.
>were you born, you stupid foal

>In a few more minutes, he would remember a damn thing
This should probably be wouldn't. Otherwise, it doesn't make a ton of sense.

Also, amnesia, especially amnesia that a character conveniently recovers from is another typical Mary Sue sign.

Finally, most of that scene seems extremely contrived. You have a character actively losing his memory, which should be an interesting scene, but you only devote a couple vague sentences to it, which makes it worse than leaving it out entirely. Then you have some unseen force AKA the author wanting to advance the plot drive him forward.
My recommendation assuming the amnesia and location are non-negotiable:
Introduce the character with an already empty memory. If the fact that he intentionally lost his memory is important, foreshadow it with some hint, like a memory potion in his pocket. Then use some character trait, rather than an arbitrary authors hand, to keep him moving forward, like if he's curious about his surroundings, afraid of thunder, or just hungry and looking for something to eat.

>his degrading stride
Deteriorating would be better here. Degrading typically means embarrassing, and while I know the definition you were going for, the other one is more common and the one I went to when reading.

>"I... Cel-... help..."
Dashes should be used for abrupt cutoffs, not ellipses. And the dash-ellipse is just awful.

>The entire last paragraph of the prologue.
Cut the entire thing. You haven't been narrating as a story teller up until now and if the information in that paragraph is important, then it should be in a synopsis.

Now for the actual story, which probably should have started half of the prologue before.

>Cold... It was so cold...
Ellipses in narration. Not a good start.

>The stallion groggily opened one weary eye to the world where massive throbbing pain in his head waited to greet him, forcefully dragging him away from the blackness and into reality until he was fully awake.
This sentence is the definition of purple prose. I count six adverbs and adjectives in there, most of which are just unnecessary. I mentioned pacing above. If the pain is as severe as you seem to be trying to make it, then this should be a stressful event and the pacing should be quick, which would call for short active sentences. However, you seem to want an immobilising pain, which is much more passive. The body doesn't scream at you when it wants to stay put. It just makes the alternative far more unpleasant.

Also, why does he care about getting up and moving? He's lost his memory, so he can't be motivated by some task. Plus, you've given him far more incentive to stay still.

Finally, you're pulling out all the stops by going over the top with your description of his pain in this (first) paragraph. You want to make the beginning interesting, but that's the type of language you leave for the climax. Using this now is going to make every scene where he has pain either feel like a letdown when you use less description or get old very quickly if you try to use the same amount of description each time. If you use the scene where he enters the castle and passes out as a hook, this section could serve you well as a letdown period to allow the reader to relax and ready themselves for the next interesting event. As it is now, you force yourself into trying to have static pain serve as the hook for your first chapter.
This video http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/episode-07-pacing is a good resource to give you an idea of what to go for in terms of pacing.

>this was good enough for.
Missed a word here.

The second paragraph could use some subtlety. You are trying to make some pretty mundane thoughts seem like powerful hammers to the reader. For example:
>Who am I?" the question came crashing down with the force of a tidal wave.
You're trying to make this a staggering blow. It's not. It could be the type of thing that would compound together and drag him down, but it is definitely not the powerful strike you want it to be. The pacing suggestion may come in handy here, since if you are making this into a lull point, then having the weight off all his lost memories drag on him fits much better.
Related to this, you'll need to try to show his feelings much better if you want to get readers interested in the character. It's kind of a copout, but there are enough resources around ponychan and around the internet that you should be able to get a leg up on showing instead of telling. I'll give you one hint.
>For a moment, all thought of investigating his surroundings were erased, replaced with a growing sense of panic. Shaking his head, the black maned pony quickly subdued these feelings and kept himself in control.
These aren't showing.

>the black maned pony
Unless the colour of his mane comes in important in the next section, don't mention it. Look up Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS).

>lacking any very distinctive features
When something is uninteresting, don't call attention to it by describing it as such. If a room is uninteresting except for a few features, just describe the interesting features and get on with it. The only reason something should be described as uninteresting is if it is so uninteresting that the lack of any features makes it conspicuous and interesting again.

I'm right at 1:1 in words in the review to words read, which means I'm done with the line by line!

Thoughts are typically done in italics without quotation marks, but otherwise are punctuated like dialogue. You have both italics and quotation marks in several places.

Avoid adverbs in dialogue tags. The words in the dialogue should convey the emotion and if you think that isn't enough, then use body language clues.

The initial scene with the voices. ITN? They just tell him to go somewhere else to continue the conversation. Just have him get there by exploring and then have the conversation. This would also help you avoid LUS in the next paragraph by letting you keep using pronouns.

Except for very small or very common words (the, to, and...), don't use the same word more than once or, if absolutely necessary, twice in the same paragraph. Related in this instance, don't use the construct *noun* began to *verb* unless the action is interrupted or doesn't complete for some reason.

The paragraph with the door is breaking could use subtlety similarly to above.

>waited for Farlon to step in
Why do you call him Farlon before actually introducing him as Farlon?

There are enough errors that I'm still basically going line by line... New plan. I'm stopping at "and be swallowed whole." For the rest of this, I'll read one chapter and then type up a rant of whatever advice I think is necessary and particularly stuck out for me.

Rest of Chapter One:
Massive spit of things to get out.
Don't use all caps for emphasis and since you use it here, I'm expecting this later, so also don't use it in dialogue or thoughts when a pony is supposed to be loud. If you really want to emphasise a word or phrase, just use italics.

The "How convenient" with the lantern only serves to make it obvious how very contrived the lantern being there was. He'd had no trouble describing the stuff around him. If it's absolutely necessary that the scene is dark, then just have him move to a better lit section and squint.

The science nerd in me wants to say that door handles aren't typically copper and that copper doesn't rust. Just make have them made of iron, which fits better for a dark, scary castle anyway.

Here's the big one. WHY DOES HE IMMEDIATELY JUMP TO THE CONCLUSION THAT HE IS FARLON? You don't even have him think about it or come to some realisation that the name Farlon sounds familiar which would be out of place here anyway, because the name Farlon was mentioned earlier with no reaction. You just have him immediately jump to the conclusion that he is Farlon and that he must follow the advice given in the note, even though it tells him to go kill a random pony, which is strongly against his nature the note tells him that too. Yes, it is the first clue he encounters, but he should have a little bit of scepticism about the whole situation. Maybe you could have him recognise the handwriting (?hoofwriting) or something. You have him mention a vague sense of dislike toward the name Celric which didn't happen at the name of Celric before, but then he immediately accepts the situation at face value with no thought.

If I haven't mentioned this already, Farlon isn't a very pony name. Silverback isn't terrible, especially if he has mining or metalwork or something like that in his background, but Farlon doesn't fit.

You mentioned worries about a Mary Sue/Gary Stu/whatever. Here's my understanding of what that is. A Mary Sue character is one for which the author bends the universe so much that it becomes obvious to everyone that the author wants this character to be special. The reason that many of the typical Mary Sue characteristics are considered flags is because they are unrealistic. You can have a very powerful, very popular character that isn't a Mary Sue because the author very carefully chooses the abilities, challenges, and encounters that the character faces so that they all seem realistic. You can have a very weak or unpopular character that is a Mary Sue because the author makes the evidence of coincidences stack up against what could be reasonably expected. It is all about keeping the character real and keeping the blatant author intervention to a minimum.
Now, I haven't seen any of your characters abilities yet, but I have seen numerous occurrences of happy coincidences on his behalf for no particular reason, so it doesn't look good for an overall impression.
Another related point is that most of these coincidences could have been glossed over or ignored if you just left them unmentioned or gave a reasonable explanation. Even if your character wouldn't flag on a traditional Mary Sue test, leaving obvious author fingerprints around will still make him seem unrealistic. The best stories are those where the author sets up a framework and then asks the characters what they would do next.

Chapter 2:
Dear God adverbs. Adverbs all over.

Also, "coincidentally" ending up in the dining room. See above.

The encounter with random scary magical creature that actually does nothing, for some magically coincidental reason. ITN?

I find it unlikely that Twilight would be quite so brusque as to shake Farlon when he goes vacant while attempting to answer the question. Consider how she handled Fluttershy when she stopped responding in the pilot.

Also, if Twilight had lost her memory, wouldn't she go back to what she had done for most of her life, which would be study and do her absolute best to figure out, on her own, what to do? She wasn't naturally trusting when she came to Ponyville and you saw how reluctant she was to interact with her friends when they first met, even when she didn't have a negative feeling about them. Why would she start trusting and helping someone that she explicitly has a bad feeling about? And why isn't there more evidence of her doing her own extensive research around.

Also, if Celric knows who Farlon is and has uncontrolled access to Twilight this far, why wouldn't he just warn her against Farlon? Given their conversations, it is probably pretty obvious that Farlon has a motive against Celric, so why wouldn't Celric just stop any possibility of Farlon doing something against him? If Celric has some ulterior motive and needs to use Farlon, then maybe he would instruct Twilight to work with him, but be wary and ready to turn. However, if this is the case, then Twilight should foreshadow this with some sort of reaction.

Also, you made Twilight write with an ellipsis as a pause. While not strictly wrong, this made me very sad and you'd better have a good explanation for why her character would do this.

I've reached the point where I really don't want to read any further in this and I've given plenty of general principles for you to work on.
So I'll leave you with a general question or a homework assignment, if you will.
Why are you including Twilight Sparkle in this story?
There are three tiers of answers to this: Dear God, No! Wrong, and Yes.
It is probably pretty obvious how to avoid Dear God, No! but the distinction between the next two is less obvious and if I'm pegging you correctly, you probably don't know or haven't thought about the distinction.
However, be honest about your answer. I'll be able to tell by reading if you're lying and that will just piss me off to the point where I may actually be vindictive in telling you why you are wrong rather than just being a bit scary.

Keep writing

I don't particularly want to post this, mostly because it would be easiest if you just curled up in a corner and never returned, but that is the last thing I actually want as a reviewer. Seriously, the only reason I review and I think this motivation goes for most other reviewers as well is to help writers get better at writing. So you get a copy/paste with a warning to think very carefully about what you ask.

If you have any questions or something I suggest isn't clear, don't hesitate to ask. The point of doing this is to make you a better writer, so you shouldn't blindly take my suggestions unless you understand why I made the suggestion.

If you have any questions or want further feedback, feel free to post here or contact my email address, which is in the trip.

>>103301

... Ouch. Right to the self-esteem... On the other hand, I really needed a nice slap to the face like this one. You saw the problems, and did not hesitate to point them out. While I only read a few portions of your vengeful post, I can see that there are many, many problems with my 'story'. Thanks for choking down my story long enough to get a decent list of problems out.

If you'll excuse me, i'll be locked away for the next week or so redoing things...

Author: D. G. D. Davidson

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Dark][Sad][Adventure]

Synopsis: With the advent of Cadence, the princesses have come into their full power, and they'll need it: Tartarus has opened, monsters have overrun Equestria, and devils are dragging helpless ponies into Hell. Can the princesses save the world themselves, or must they make a deal with a devil they know?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23795/Princess-Trinity%3A--The-Gates-of-Hell

Hello there, this is Dublio and this is the review for First Week of Winter, written by Relaxing Dragon. The comments were mostly done in doc and fixed up. Story related concerns were emailed as to not spoil the readers. As for your review, I'll hit up the main points you mentioned.

Pacing:

As for pacing, I believe that there is a good opportunity to add more between the scene break just to get an idea of how the characters currently relate to each other. It's harder to get a bead on their feelings because you glance over it, so in that sense, I would say that the pacing is a bit fast. What you want to do is slow it down and get the sense that the ponies really want to leave, but are forced to stay, which is starting to wear on everyone's nerves. Applejack does snap at the end but it would be nice to get a gradual sense of their patience wearing thin.

Aww, I feel like it could have been a good opportunity here to play up the tension in the group by having them talk to each other. You said Applejack and Rarity whispered to each other as well as the two remaining CMC, but we don't know what they said. At this point, I'm not sure if you're trying to intentionally leave the reader in the dark or not, but I think it would be a great place to add red herrings. After all, the creature is so deadly because it acts exactly like the others it imitates. You don't have to add much, just... something. Oh well, your call.

Knowing a bit more of the tension between each other because of the growing suspicion, never hurt anyone. At this point, it's more about waiting for Twilight to find an answer but after what happened after this chapter, I'd expect that the paranoia part would be played out more. For this chapter, it's just dealing with boredom, tension, or wondering if Twilight cracked.

I don't believe adding scenes between the break would disrupt the flow of the story at all, but that's my opinion.

Characterizations:

The confrontation between Applejack and Twilight is playing out nicely. Applejack is as stubborn as in the show and cares for her sister, while Twilight would definitely stay up and neglect sleep in order to find the truth as evidence by the Future Twilight Episode. I didn't see Applebloom or Sweetie Belle do that much, but that's expected because of the shock from the earlier chapters. At the moment, Fluttershy is acting more assertive whereas Pinkie is acting more like old Fluttershy. Since ponies react in different ways under stress, I'm unsure if that's your intention or not. But for what it's worth, I don't really see a problem with characterization here.

Repetitiveness:

You mentioned being repetitive, especially near the end. That's probably because Twilight is repeating herself and the others are trying to convince her to let them go, which leads to a roundabout argument. There are a few repeated words and redundancy in your sentence structures and phrases, which lead to that feeling as well.

Some examples are the basic verbs of "walked" and "looked." There's a lot of that in this chapter, but by using the same word repeatedly, they come off as repetitive. Consider using a thesaurus to choose synonyms, but make sure that they are common enough so that other people will still understand them. Be careful not to choose the lesser known meaning of common words or some really out-there words. For the most part, when you think of words, you think of the most common meaning, so picking something else is going to be confusing.

Adverbs:

Yes, I'm starting to notice the adverb thing you mentioned in your submission. You have a bunch of unnecessary and redundant adverbs that don't do much besides serve as filler for your story. A lot of the adverbs are used as shortcuts for how the characters are feeling and their tone of voice, but I feel that it's a gross injustice to do that. I feel like the adverbs add to the telling factor. I feel like your story is lacking a lot of body language through the entire story and using adverbs to replace them is considered "telly" I know you've probably already heard of show vs tell already, but let's just say that excessive adverbs adds to the problem. Beware of using adverbs to imply your tone of voice instead of using dialogue, context, and body language as well. Like you said, you know that already, so just watch out for that.

Misc Note:

I feel like all forms of words that imply happening right now are pointless, because that's what the narrative is doing. Immediately, presently, and suddenly are all filler words and can be removed without harm to your narrative. They're pointless.

I feel like there is a lot of talking heads in this story. Although yes, they're technically just sitting around and talking, I feel like you should play up the suspense by adding more body language and how they're feeling. Don't use adverbs to determine their tone of voice or the way they talked though. Instead, focus on how they react to each other as they eventually crack under the pressure of waiting. Don't forget that actions are only half of the story. The other half is what they don't say, how they react, which is shown by their feelings, body language, and facial expressions. I want to see more.

Beware of "started to" or "began to" actions. Most of the time, it's better to just go with the direct action of -ed verbs. Too many of these actions can slow down your story if used improperly. You do use it correctly sometimes though. I've marked the inappropriate ones on your doc.

Final Notes:

Anyhoo, I enjoyed reading your story. I sent you an email concerning the story and other concerns I had as well. This review just contains the same information as in your document, but cleaned up a little bit for your benefit. I hope that I've helped you, even if only a little bit. As always, have fun and keep writing.

>>102439

Samurai Applejack? Hmmm maybe could work

Just to mention that the idea that "Going more deeply into the Samurai Jackness" is already pushing me away, mainly because I have the feeling that it will end up being "Samurai Jack, starring Applejack", which is not what I expect to read.

But I'll see what I can do.

>>102439

Let's start with this one. Issues may or may not be in order, but my beard wants to point out that you'll have to fix them all anyways. With no further ado, bring the truck!


Capitalize AJ’s “Ah” that go for “I”


>wouldn’t be any use
Wouldn’t be of any use

Really, I think we know the characters, just saying the names would work.

I don’t consider appropriate the “Nah, we’re just gonna reseal Discord, easy as pie.” It wasn’t easy the first time, nor will be this one time. I’ve never seen Applejack underestimating something.

And then… Okay, honestly, I know this is a crossover and all… But the point that “Out of freakin’ nowhere” Applejack just says some cool words and them BLAM, instant sword! Things shouldn’t work that way, and I cannot approve of this. There’s no reason for me to believe that it could happen, no precedent in the original stories.

Letting aside the “Sword, out of freakin’ nowhere!” she… no, I cannot roll with this. Let me put it this way. We’re working on the show, right? I mean, it’s based on the show, on My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. This is not starting on an alternate universe. This is the show, where AJ is the honest farmer we all know and love. I just want to point out that we need much more information for this to be possible or believable.


Okay, I’ll roll with the rude ticket seller. At this point…

>”Where the hay am ah?” Applejack wondered
Wonderings are thoughts, so they go in italics

Chapter 2…
I understood a few things here, and I hated too many of them.

AJ during most of the story is so OOC that I couldn’t even read her lines in her voice. She’s such a horrible pony towards Spike at first.

I’d expect far more than just a few sentences for Spike to feel comfortable about seeing AJ after a thousand years of being supposedly dead. Maybe asking a few questions or something to prove that she’s the real AJ and not… I dunno, something Discord could do to trick her into killing the real AJ when she appeared. A weird person I am, but I think of too much stuff at the same time.

Fix the chaos clock thing. Spike explains how it works and then says he doesn’t know how it words.

It’s a bit weird that, even when Spike tells her that she’s been sent a millennium in the future, she goes to “her” farm and still calls it “her” farm.

I don’t care that much about the zonies. It doesn’t add anything to the story save for what happened to Apple Bloom. But it's one of the few "odd" things that has a background, so I'll roll with it.

Grammatically speaking, I’d say that there are:

-Too many short sentences that make the story slow to read. Combine some of them.
-Avoid asking questions to the readers (questions during narration)
-Check the southern accent.
-Punctuation issues. Missing commas, mostly.
-Also missing apostrophes in genitive phrases.
-Too much show VS Tell. Show us more stuff
-We need much more emotions. Applejack should be morally crushed knowing that not only she doesn’t have her friends with her, but also that she has not family (at least not the family she used to live with).

My beard’s final judgment:

Even though the story could work, this is just a raw steel bar that needs to be hammered and sharpened in order to be a decent sword people would buy. There are too many things happening out of the blue as I mentioned in the overall review. I may have missed stuff, but I consider that what I told you should keep you busy for quite some time.

This all being said, my beard and I will leave this here.

>>103371

Yeah, I know, I'm very bad with commas.

I'd like a second opinion on capitalizing the 'ah's.

And I do have the alternate universe tag for a reason. The only significant changes are made to the Apple family. First, I ignore the family appreciation episode, making Granny Smith the Ponyville settler, and force it further back in time, but keep it the Apple family who does it, as part of a deal with Celestia involving the sword of Harmony.

Also, never seen Applejack underestimate? What about "Applebuck Season"?

I only added zonies because Kendall is the only OC I've ever made that I actually liked, and I had already made him a zony.

And the narration isn't asking questions to the reader, it's actually her talking to somebody in the story, not the reader.

>>103387

I'm a second opinion, and I concur with the first. As a reader, I can get used to reading in Applejack's accent if I have to, but a lowercase first-person singular subjective pronoun is always going to jar the eye, even if it's not "I." It's the same reason that when Luna speaks using the royal "We," that I put it in caps.

[Grimdark][Adventure]

When Kite, a young pegasus, earns his cutie mark, he finds it isn't quite what he had in mind. Claiming he'd been given the wrong one, a pair of ponies offer him a way to change it to something else.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xLSRxITLwRnOBz3KyoKu0ERxNXDXH8aP2B_o-cN4lN4/edit

Casca reviewed this last time and, seeing how I reckon he did a mighty find job of it, I'd like him to pick it up again if he's willing. Otherwise it's all good.

>>103387

Yes, I noticed the alternate universe tag. However, that means that you have to explain/justify every single major change you do in a way that people would buy it. We have the "Sword of Harmony" appearing out of the blue, and a lot of question rise at that moment:

If AJ can jut summon the sword, why do we really need the other five ponies in the first place?

If all the Sword of Harmony stuff you mentioned about Celestia and all that (which I just checked and the prologue mentions nothing) it's actually true, that is something important and had to be explained, the sooner the better.

That's one of my problems with the story, and the one I talked about the most. I know you want to make it look like Samurai Jack, and sometimes things like that happen. However, we still have ponies here. No matter if you ignore the Family Appreciation day episode as long as you justify us why all of a sudden (concerning I'm reading the story for the first time) AJ is such a kickass samurai that Miyamoto Musashi would be proud of fighting side to side with.

Without explanation, and I really have to mention this, if at first we're going to be like on the real show, it's really hard to believe that the farmer known as AJ is actually a swordmaster that can combine the Elements of Harmony into a sword that can almost OHKO Discord. Yes, yes, it's Samurai Jack, I've seen the show and remember that perfectly (though I liked the Scottish dude who befriends Jack the most). My complain, and advice, is that you should try to elaborate and explain this during the story. If you do it, I'll be able to buy it. But this is a really important change that modifies EVERYTHING, and you need solid foundations for this one, and they're just barely mentioned and they¡'re quite spread through the story.

Also, I remember "Applebuck season", and it's not that she underestimates anything. She's just a stubborn lass, a bit proud to accept help because it's something she has to do by herself.

I don't have problems with Kendall... Save for the name. It doesn't sound pony. Neither does.Zusoff. And I'll buy the zonies stuff as I mentioned earlier. Aside from that, they're fine.

About the questions. They sound weird and reaers would rather not have questions made during narrative parts. At least, not unless it's first person narrative, and this is third person.

With that being said, I hope to see the fic improved. It has potential if you edit if enough, with a background that would surely make me care about it.

Also, give more emotion to the characters, especially to AJ. And my beard wants to mention that you should make AJ use the sword with her mouth instead of with her hooves. It's just and advice, though.

Title: All Of Creation
Author: Ristar
Email: [Available in post]
Tags: Slice-Of-Life, Adventure, Gay

Synopsis:
Seafoam, a simple weatherpony for the tiny northern Bay of Hippocampus, loves his husband Frostbite more than life itself. However, due to being a rather active and ardent explorer for the crown, they can rarely be together. But, whenever they are granted the luxury of each other's company Seafoam desperately tries to cling to Frostbite, hoping one day they might settle into a normal life.

Comments:
Okay, I've been working on a new fanfic, and I have the first chapter done. I promise that this one is much better than that last train wreck I wrote. :P I just wanted to get an opinion early on in my writing, so I can still make major changes, if necessary.

Title: Death's door

Author: Pinkamina_daine_pie

Tags: [Sad, Dark]

Synopsis: There have always been two certainties in the world. As certain that the sun will rise, life will continue, and as certain that my sun will set, I will eventually perish.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TonE4uyXZnsp2nq0bMpXcoY7GTxbp1MkgFfQ78pTJj0/edit

A chill review of "And That's How Equestria Was Made" by Pinkie Bro
By Panda Bear (me), composer of classic tunes like "Bros," "Ponytail," and "Untitled #8"

Reviews are opinions, everypony[tail]. Don't hate - gyrate!

Since I'm finished working so hard at this new Animal Collective record, "Centipede Hz" (which is coming out September 4th on Domino Records, and August 4th on The Pirate Bay), I don't have many chores in my daily routine. My girls and I already have a proper house. (We're all very comfy here in Nautica, thanks for asking!) So, after meditating upon the question "How do I pass time?", I've decided to give fanfiction reviewing a chance. It makes sense for me, because ponychan's reviewers aren't very "hip" with the cool kids, and I'm still trying to cleanse myself of all the unwanted popularity I got after AC "sold out" and "went pop" with their last album.

Maybe I should take David's advice and do a "pony" album with Eric Copeland of Black Dice. Only instead of "Terrestrial Tones," our project would be called "Equestrial Pones".

But enough about me, Panda Bear, the humblest and most spiritually enlightened member of Animal Collective. I'm here to review a story: "And that's how equestria was made!," written by someone who apparently calls himself or herself both "Pinkie and the Shy" and "Pinkie ponders". And what a story this is. I've read it three times, and now I feel like I need to watch ODDSAC to remember what normal feels like.

Seriously. I can't wait to read this on acid—though I endorse a drug-free lifestyle, as I make clear on "Take Pills," the second track from my super-popular underground solo album Person Pitch.

"And that's how equestria was made!" tries to follow in the grand surrealist tradition of crafting art free from narrative. I have to say, Pinkie, this was a misguided idea on your part. Stories should always have discernible narratives, and at a basic level, that means they need a clearly-defined conflict and a resolution to that conflict. But I can't find a real narrative in this story.

"But," I can transcendentally hear you protest, while throwing up a facade of exclamation points that mask your true inner child, "the narrative is in Pinkie's mind! Her problem of figuring out what existence is, and how she relates to it, is obviously the central conflict of the story!" No. Bro, if you take an honest look within yourself, you'll see how un-Panda that bourgeois notion is.

Panda's 1st complaint is this: In FiM, Pinkie's a very simple pony. Wild and wacky at times, but simple. But these are very complicated philosophical ideas you're having her wrestle with. Why would she spend time thinking about them? I'm not saying Pinkie can't be deep. I'm saying she's not all weighed down by the artificial mental constructs humans create. She appears to the rest of us to act "random," but that's not because she thinks at 500mph. It's because she thinks differently from us, because she's in a much more natural state of mind, one that makes friendship the most important thing, and does not care about socially-important "fancy things" or "metaphysics" or "taking part in the freshest wave". She's a "noble savage".

A chill brony called "Fragmentd08" made a song a while back that captured Pinkie Pie's personality much better than your story does. A line from that song, which is sung in the person of Pinkie herself, reads: "Where's the fun thinking so hard? Let's just go roll on the ground!"

How. Chill.

And in my super-sincere, absolutely unironic opinion, it has to be this way for Pinkie, because she's the Element of Laughter. A really chill book I read once had a great line, which seems true to me: "With much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."

Panda's 2nd complaint is this: One of Pinkie's most well-known lines from the show is, "You have to take the leap of faith!" The lesson was that learning to trust your friends, in the absence of certain knowledge as to their reliability, is necessary. But bro. If Pinkie can understand that, why would she be troubled about not having "certain knowledge" about her own existence? Existence is waaaay more certain than friends are.

Panda's 3rd complaint is this: Your story's conflict is a conflict, but it's the conflict of philosophy itself. You can't "resolve" that for the reader, because what if the reader disagrees with how you resolve it? So, if philosophy is your story's only conflict, then it has no conflict at all, in the sense of something that the reader can look forward to a resolution of.

Even Atlas Shrugged had a plot behind its preaching.

I could go on, but if you've seen the words I wrote so far, it should be plain that I think the entire premise of your story is misguided. It's just not entertaining to read about someone's internal philosophical monologue, especially when that monologue is devoid of any originality, and only serves to recap the last 500 years of development of Western analytic philosophy.

So, as long as we're being straight and all, I think you should just abandon this story and write it off as a creative experiment. There's no shame in that—you wrote something, and that's waaay better than nothing. Even I, Panda Bear, the god of hipsters, make a lot of tunes that just aren't very chill and never make it onto an album. But I look at those "failed" tunes as being the necessary creative food my hungry soul needs in order to give birth to real bangers like "Slow Motion" and "Drone." But I don't put those tunes through expensive studio production, either, and I similarly don't think that "And that's how equestria was made!" is worth putting through grammar corrections or polishing.

But, you should def keep writing new stories and being creative with your talent. (Just... not this story.) And to help you out with that, I'll point out some other problems I saw.

The biggest deal with how you wrote the story is the way you don't clearly separate your story's narrator from Pinkie herself. You made the narration follow Pinkie's spastic-ness. To me, that sounds just like the sort of screeching feedback I get when I set up my mics wrong. It's nasty, man, and it feels at least as un-Panda as when people are intolerant of alternate lifestyles. You've got to clearly establish the point of view from which you tell a story, and stick to it. It's not chill to have a 3rd-person narrator speak a character's thoughts verbatim without using quotation marks or italics. Either the narrator should allow characters to speak for themselves like, "Here is Panda's example of a character speaking for himself," or a character should be the narrator, making the POV of the story first-person.

You abuse ellises... and exclamation points! You keep using them to make the reader feel either... somewhat... thoughtful... or depressed... or you use them to make the reader feel excited! But you shouldn't do that! It's the literary equivalent of making Top 40 pop music! Your readers should feel emotion because your story's well-written, not because it contains punctuation that they subconsciously associate with strong emotions.

Also, and this criticism may hurt: your story isn't funny, for basically the same reason that this post of mine isn't funny. It's too joke-y. Read something by Kurt Vonnegut, for example, or Mark Twain. I bet you won't find a single joke in their works. Their stories are funny because the humor springs organically from the narrative, and the reader is allowed to discover it on his own. But your story, with its over-the-topness, only feels funny in the way that a bee sting feels funny.

Finally, I'm not a stickler for grammar, which is why I've saved this for last. Your grammar is really quite spotty, like Derek, my dog. Your most common errors were comma splices and inconsistent verb tenses. Those are common mistakes for new writers to make, and there are a few guides floating around this board which explain those issues better than I could. Here's one that I like, but you should check out others as well: http://derpy.me/EznGuide

Actually, this is the last thing I'll say. If you ever use the phrases "Celestia's sun" or "Luna's moon" again, people will make fun of you for it. Those phrases are horribly overused and cliched.

I guess I'll wrap up my review now, because I've got to get to an unpopular, run-down coffee shop across town for dinner. All the things I hate about your story, I wish I didn't have to hate. But having good taste means making sacrifices. You can't get sentimental, because it always ends up drivel (to paraphrase my alt-idol Thom Yorke.) But if you stay true to yourself, you'll improve with time and effort. So, "get your head out of those websites that try to shape your style." (I mean you should ignore all the gushing comments you've already gotten and will likely continue to get on fimfiction.) We Animal Collective members all stayed true to ourselves, and in a few short years, we went from making awesome hipster bullshit like Here Comes The Indian to making what was clearly the best album of the decade, Feels. And we've had so much fun along the way, that we don't even care about popularity anymore. (Or at least I don't. I have my doubts about Josh, though.)

In sum: chill out.
—Panda

>pic is how I feel about you as a person, not how I feel about your story

>>103454
>Actually, this is the last thing I'll say. If you ever use the phrases "Celestia's sun" or "Luna's moon" again, people will make fun of you for it. Those phrases are horribly overused and cliched.
I know this review isn't any of my business, but is it really that big of an issue? I'm asking because I may have to edit it out of my own fic if it is going to be a distraction.

>>103463
It's overused. Here have a nice copy paste from NickNack if I recall correctly.

You know, I kind of wish there was like a sewer god; then, every time someone takes a shit, they would be taking a _______'s Shit.

My internet has been down for a few days. Sorry for the delay. I've gotten EVERYTHING together finally. All of my family problems, technology problems, all of the schoolwork is done due to the end of the year coming up. I am finally back in business for reviewing. I won't take another one for a few days though to ensure that nothing comes up.

>>102350
Hi there, Sarcasmo. I wasn't able to provide a FULL review for this reason: It got really, really boring halfway through.

Grammar:
(This goes over a good half of the story because it carries on throughout the rest)

>“Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student”
Period

>“Princess Celestia!”,
No comma needed

>dedicated to princess Celestia
This is a title, capitalize it. It's like how we saw King Isabella or President Obama

>For example when Applebloom
I feel a colon should go after example

> It is a pretty dangerous spell, that could wreck a lot of unintentional havoc.
Comma not needed

>Did you have to be send so far away?”
Sent

>“Ohmygosh!
Don't put this together, I realize it's supposed to be fast speech, but it just looks sloppy

> into the deep space
the not needed

>real story of how i got 'banished'
Capitalize I (This happens a few other times. Just ctrl+F i)

>every once in a while
awhile

>there where gruesome things to come
were

>My sister and I
This is proper grammar, and I wasn't going to correct you on it before when you said 'me and my sister' because this is Luna's letter, not t he narrator speaking, but now I know that Luna DOES know this rule, so change the times when she says 'me and my sister'

>afraid that there where gruesome things to come.
were

>I told them it was me who plagued the land
replace 'me' with I

>But what about Discord.
Question Mark

Plot/Story Continuity:
It's sort of boring, honestly. I think you have a good idea there, claiming that dreams are the creation of Luna and that those dreams backfired on them, but otherwise, everything else is boring. Twilight goes to talk to Princess Celestia, she sends her to Luna, Luna and her talk, Luna sends a letter, then Twilight confronts her about the letter. That's pretty much it.

Spike seems to be put into the story for no particular reason, and Twilight just ignores him when he gets to be part of the actual plot. Spike's importance in the story was close to none, if any at all.

Furthermore, Twilight is pretty OoC in some scenes. She questions Luna's entire letter to her, which is fine (Even though I think Twilight would have trusted the Princess) you have her be disrespectful to Luna by stern questioning. Twilight wouldn't be so brash.

Not only all of this, but some things don't really make any sense. Some of them could, but you don't add enough justification for them.

Here's some specific passages:

>She should be in her room right now. It's in the Starswirl the bearded-wing.
Why is it there? Doesn't make much sense to me.

>"I'd never have thought gems could cause food poisoning"
That's because they can't, Twilight. If they CAN I don't see the justification for it.

>“If you want to talk about it, you'll eventually have to tell me what she wrote. Twilight?” But the unicorn was already gone.
Why would Twilight leave Spike hanging? It doesn't seem like something Twilight would do. There's nothing so urgent that she just has to IGNORE Spike. She likes sharing knowledge with him. It doesn't seem like a secret thing to do.

>I thought you would have returned to Ponyville already.”
Why would Luna think this? Twilight never said that in their previous discussion.

>“Do you care to explain?”
Yep, just start questioning a Princess so suddenly, because it's not like Twilight has any respect for Luna. Nope. This is the first thing you have Twilight say to Luna today. This is also AFTER Luna invites her in. Luna is not the antagonist.

>“For starters how did you send that letter to me?”
MAGIC?

>All the anger and confusion faded from Twilight's mind
I don't understand why she's angry. Luna explained a crap load of stuff to her. It seems OoC for Twilight to be angry about knowledge she's received

>“No, I don't believe you.”
And why not? Explain

>You claim to have created all dreams. It's hard for me to believe you really are that powerful.
As far as we know the Princesses are the most powerful beings alive. Explain why Twilight doubts this.

>“And just how am I supposed to prove such a thing? I most certainly haven't got any ideas as to how.
So At one point Luna is HAPPY that Twilight doesn't believe her, and yet has no way to prove it to her. This seems counterproductive

As you may have noticed, I only took passages from the last scene where they both speak, and that's because that's where most of the problems arose. There's small ones here and there that I don't really want to get into. I'm mainly concerned about this scene.

Writing Style:
It's all dialogue. All of it. You have some 'she said' and 'she walked' 'she left' blah blah. It's all just talking heads most of the time. It gets REALLY boring to read. You need to show us what's going on. After all, we can't hear the emotion in their voices, and TEXT only accounts for 10% of how someone portrays info. You have to fill this gap with body language.

You also seem to have a MAJOR case of 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome'! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lavender%20Unicorn%20Syndrome

There's also some other minor things:

>Twilight took a short break
Show us she did, don't tell us. Possibly: 'Twilight said, pausing as she put a hoof to her chin in thought before continuing.

>The unicorn sadly answered
we can start saying her name now, don't you think?

>The unicorn entered the room.
Let's use a different pronoun

>Luna began: “I take it you like what I've done to the place. Although it still feels a little spartan.”
Nope. Suggestion: 'Luna watched as Twilight came through the door and looked around the room at the sight, smiling at her. "I take it you like what I've done to the place? Although, it still feels a little...Spartan.'

>The unicorn quickly shook off her amazement and gathered her words:
Yo, Unicorn.

>The purple equine
This is just an odd way to say Twilight, and isn't neccesary. Remove and replace with Twilight or She

>Everypony only looked after herself,
Aren't there stallions? I'd suggest you change this.

>but I answered her I was too weak
Confusing

Verdict:
I like the concept, but the way you brought about it was pretty bad.

Writing Style: Needs a lot of work.
Plot: It's okay, but work on the scenes and the way they're portrayed
Grammar: It's okay, just the examples I gave need to be fixed.

Overall: I give it a 6/10

>>103464
Huh. Good to know, then. Looks like I have a bit of editing to do.

>>103431
Well, that's embarrassing, I forgot to add the link to my fic in my post. :S I wish PChan allowed edits. Oh, well. Here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14JUvb2xxAaFOftQB5l_1cEp9t6Omh2lXvRt4fkqv978/edit

Tags: [Adventure][Slightly Grimdark][Human][Suspense]

Synopsis:
Humans have vanished from Earth. Barren wastelands and cold winds sweep across the world for years, but a set of new and advanced races soon arise. Equines, Griffons, Canines, and many more climb from the ashes of the human empire, establishing colonies and towns. Humans are quickly forgotten, their legend gone and their civilizations destroyed. But a spark shines brightly deep beneath the surface of this new world, holding mankind's last remnants.

Two men, both darkened by past sins, are awakened from a slumber of over three thousand years. Freed from their containment by a curious Equestrian archaeologist, these men soon discover that everything they have ever known is gone. Equipped with their hate and rage, they will redeem their lost glory, revive their remaining brothers and sisters, and revolt against the world around them. Humans will rise, blood will be spilled, and empires will crumble under the weight of this revolution. Mankind has returned, and it wants its world back.

Links:
FIMFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10715/Redeem,-Revive,-Revolt

FanFiction:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7829025/1/Redeem_Revive_Revolt

>>103431
Hey, I'll be your reviewer today. A large part of it will be in comment form in gdocs.

>>103473
>>103474
Two reviewers? The more, the merrier, I suppose! Thank you both for your time; I really appreciate the input of others. :)

>>103474
Looking at your comments so far, I'm starting to see where the problem areas lie. Luckily, most of the issues seem like they lend themselves to quick fixes rather than major systemic flaws, which is a relief. Thanks again; I'm anxious to hear your final verdict.

I'm back, and no doubt improved. Be ready to review my sheeeeet... meow

Hello everyone, here I am to try and get a review of my latest story. It's a bit of a random idea, I don't know what you will think of it but still, here it is.

Basically I need help mainly with the show VS tell. no matter how much I rework things it seems I never understand what makes one less telly than the otehr. (most exemple I get just seem to be the same thing but with 2 or 3 words swapped. I guess I fail to understand the change)

Of course I know my punctuations/grammar needs some more work, so if you can point out my errors, I'll be glad to fix them ASAP.

here is a link to the Gdoc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NvZqN2z2fMqLiB8G6zjxVcqFObSsp1CcVlR6gNH6OMg/edit

thanks in advance for your help.

Author: JusticeSnake

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Normal][Romance][Dark]

Synopsis: Spike narrowly avoids an incident with Applejack, but not without consequences. Also, something dark festers in Canterlot that will change his life forever. As new relationships bloom and old ones are dragged into light, he will have to make a choice that could decide the fate of Equestria!

The link to the first two chapters of my story is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2390/Unintentionally-Yours

---

I have already implemented the pre-reader's suggestions, though I will post them here for courtesy:

Response:

Greetings from Equestria Daily! Pre-reader Portmanteauster here, and I cannot recommend your story for publication at this time. The fic has enough basic problems that it has been automatically rejected and given a strike without reading further than the last item I found. Below, you’ll find the most obvious of the problematic lines that I ran across before I stopped reading.

***

Punctuation:
With a low bow, Spike responded to her, “Nothing could stop me,” he began with but a whisper in her direction, “Milady.” (Full stop before his dialogue here.)

“Oh, Spike,” she said once more, “You’re my… hero.” (You either need to make this a hard stop after ‘once more’ or you need to put ‘you’re’ in lowercase.)

Capitalization:

“Oh, Spike!” the voice touched his ears and he cherished it, savoured it, despite the worry it vented. (This is not an attribution tag and thus should not begin with a lowercase letter)

Non-dialogue run-ons:

In royal linens and soft fabrics was she adorned, the complexion of her alabaster coat glowed amid the darkness.

Miscellaneous:

At this, the vision of Lady Rarity flushed and batted her eyelashes, lashes swaying with them. (Lashes swaying with... her eyelashes?)

Then, as if summoned to courage, the Lady Rarity leaned forward and pressed her soft lips together, offering Spike his warrior’s reward of a passionate kiss. (You were doing pretty well on the show vs tell front here, and then you hit us over the head with the obvious. We can hazard a guess as to what she’s offering; drop the ‘of a passionate kiss’ and this sentence will be better for it.)

The dragon inched closer to his love, their union pending, and marred by only a mere breath! (You use the word ‘mar’ here. I do not think it means what you think it means. Also, I suggest removing the comma after ‘pending’.)

The vision of Lady Rarity gave way at that moment, voice, as a birdsong, was scattered and replaced by another, raucous, accented. (Wat. Actually, no, I see what you were probably intending, and though this is waxing a bit too poetic for my tastes in storytelling, that’s not the issue here: it’s the construction that’s throwing me off. The comma before ‘voice’ here should be a full stop (with ‘voice’ being capitalized) or it should be a semicolon.)

Spike’s eyes shot open to meet the aback, yet gently smiling green eyes of Ponyville’s own earthen orange farming Pony. (Again, wat. First, ‘aback’ is an adverb, but you try to use it as an adjective here. Given the form of your prose, I’m willing to believe that eyes can smile, though I’d normally mark that against someone. But then, then! You capitalize Pony in the middle of the sentence. Who does that? No one does that, and for good reason. You don’t capitalize ‘human’ or ‘person’ in the middle of a sentence, and neither should you capitalize ‘pony’ in a like situation.)

>>103487
Well...

I'm told that what it is you wanted to ask was a review from me. Go ahead and post it.

Just know that my patience may be pretty thin. I'm tempted to just tell you what I think you want to hear and be done with it, but I'm not that careless. I've got a lot on my plate.

Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure], [Dark]

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.

Links:
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r-U0ozEcJxESWEi-1PJC64wkIdM5fqziu6kWgu0ikQ8/edit
Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IxEqOau6wYkqlt5YLONNPrUeCo_DiNgwqjG5B_0oyuQ/edit
Chapter 6: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LZej1aA92p7NL1njNUeYEGw2EfaaoSY2hqsS5ClI3xM/edit

Chapters Requesting for Review: Chapters 4-6

Comments: First time requesting review for this portion of the story. Line-by-line would be appreciated, but not necessary. Looking for critique on general editing, plot advancement and character development.

>>103431


Ok I won't waste any time

> It was Seafoam's favorite time of day.
That's your first sentence? Really? If this was a casual read I would put it down right now, there needs to be some kind of hook.

> his ethereal cushion
Ok this word... You used it correctly, however this throws up a red flag for me to watch out for other large words, and dictionary abuse. Never use a word that you aren't 100% sure what it means. Also most readers won't know the word "Ethereal."

I can't believe you just spent that long describing something that seems completely irrelevant to the story. Not to mention it was completely uninteresting, and it was your first paragraph to boot. No normal reader would continue.

You need to stop telling so much, and instead show more. Let the reader come to basic conclusions. Basically don't tell them exactly what's going on directly, give them everything they need to know what's going on.

Overall this story was rather boring and you have multiple problems with formatting and grammar. You need an editor. You also need more... material for this, a lot of parts drag on for what seems like forever. You repeat yourself a lot.

Experience has told me I should really send these through here before I go to anypony else, plus it gives new reviewers more to choose from, so here’s my latest story. Enjoy.

Title: The Cupcake Incident

Author: Minjask6572

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Normal][Comedy][Shipping][OC]

Synopsis: While playing test dummy for Twilight, Sunspot finds himself in a somewhat sticky situation. Little does Pinkie realize that that tasty cupcake isn't quite what it seems.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-LQ3J57Fbfr-YZC-Prn-KEPBzcnHEDvY7GjhWUcybxg/edit

Comments: This is a sort of sequel to my previous story, “Pinkie My Friend”. It’s the first in a series of side stories from the original. I mainly need help with characterization and with the jokes. I’m terrible at comedy, and I could use a little help with some ideas for humor. Thanks ponies.

>>103506
Hey noob. I'm teh_pwnerer and I'm here to own your fanfic. I'm not gonna claim and like review it all official, 'cause that'd just be too much pwnage for this board to handle, but I'll give a you a few tips on, like, mechanics and stuff.

So I'm reading this story now. And it's starting off with OC pony dude who knows Pinkie and Twilight, and I'm thinking he must be a n00b. He's so n00b they haven't even shown him on screen in the TV show, even though he's, like, pals with Pinkie and Twilight and always, like, helps them out with stuff. But it's a sequel to some other thing, so I figure you introduced Sunspot in that, so whatever. He's still a n00b.

You know what else is n00b? Your punctuation micro. I know that most people just don't have the skills to get their micro up so they're doing, like, proper punctuation and stuff, but that's why you gotta train, like me. I'm pro 'cause I train sixteen hours a day, and I gotta hit those keys right, 'cause if I don't, n00bs gonna be thinkin' they're pro.

>A special request has been made, so I think I’ll tell you the story of one of the most peculiar predicaments I’ve ever found myself in; The Cupcake Incident.
You gotta hit SHIFT when you press the colon key if you want a colon, bro.

>“Hey! I am a dragon after all, I need my sleep sometimes.” Spike called from across the room.
>“Yeah” I said. “How could I forget? I was just sitting in my room and Pinkie Pie popped out of nowhere.”
>“A muffin.” I answered
The comma key is a little to the left of the period key. You wanna use that one when you're telling us what people said (unless there's, like, a question mark or an exclamation point on the end), because otherwise you've just got a dialogue sentence and a fragment all floating around and doing nothing.

It's like when you're playing RA2 and you put one Prism Tower on one end of the map and another one on another end... because you're a total n00b. Prism Towers need to be placed together, else they won't power each other up, and then I'll pwn you even harder.

>“Hey! I am a dragon after all, I need my sleep sometimes,” Spike called from across the room.
>“Yeah,” I said. “How could I forget? I was just sitting in my room and Pinkie Pie popped out of nowhere.”
>“A muffin,” I answered.

Just look in a book by a pro and see how they punctuate dialogue. Or look it up on the Google. You'll pick it up like super quick, unless you're a total n00b.

>her is like trying to get spike
You got make names have capital letters.
>Spike

>What is it this time Twilight?
>You know I really do appreciate your willingness to help Sunspot.
You gotta put commas before the names of the n00bs being addressed. And more commas where it sounds like they, like, pause when they're talking.

Your paragraph format is totally n00b. I can't read this. Indent those suckers, or put lines between them. This just looks like a wall of text, and that's not gonna help you turtle.

There are a lot of typos too. If you're n00b who makes typos all the time, work on your micro so you don't. Or go back and fix your typos, 'cause then maybe people won't think you're such a n00b.

Practice your micro by fixing all these mistakes while you wait for a story review, 'cause otherwise your reviewer's gonna be like, "what a total n00b" and they're gonna be so busy pwning your mechanics they ain't gonna even notice the story. Plus, then you'll be a trained n00bs instead of a total n00b, and those are more fun to pwn.

>I laughed. Pinkie Pie, you are so random. And that’s why I love
Did you just stop typing there? You need quotes. And, like, the end of the story.

>>102206
Your synopsis has me interested. Expect a review within the next 2-24 hours.

Note: It looks like an anon's commented quite a bit on the doc on the 12th, so you'll want to correct those things as well as things I mark. I also scrolled around to peek at the other TTG reviews and PR comments on the story; I suggest you scan through them all again for additional tips that you perhaps haven't resolved yet.

For your scrutiny..

Title:
A Question of Sacrifice
(Prologue)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zNvkgj_Tno_qHKTEKWCfLxWizBxOVhiHoFxyh-IB0-g/edit

Treacherously and lies are interwoven into the complex tapestry of politics that stretches from the noble spires of Canterlot to the deceitful halls of Griffoney, and the whole political spectrum is a constant flashpoint. It only takes one, willing to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, to set the whole farce ablaze.

[war][dark][adventure]

>>103505

So, from what I gather, you're saying that the main problem with my story is that I spend too much time describing things, correct?

Which leads me to my second question: Do you think the fic so far was bad enough that it is unsalvageable, and should be scrapped, or do you think it could work with some tweaking?

Third, I noticed that you didn't leave any comments on the latter half of the chapter. Did you just not have anything to say, or was it just that boring that you stopped reading?

>Ok this word... You used it correctly, however this throws up a red flag for me to watch out for other large words, and dictionary abuse.
I'm not too clear about what is wrong with using the word. Also, why do you think that I didn't know what it meant?

>You need to stop telling so much, and instead show more. Let the reader come to basic conclusions. Basically don't tell them exactly what's going on directly, give them everything they need to know what's going on.
So, at that point, what would I be describing? To do this, I would have to avoid writing about the characters or the environment, which kind of leaves me with nothing to work with. How might I accomplish this?

>Overall this story was rather boring and you have multiple problems with formatting and grammar.
The only grammar issue you ever mentioned was paragraph indentation, and I honestly can't find anything else. Care to elaborate?


Nevertheless, I still appreciate your comments. If you think something can be made out of this story, then I will absolutely fix them and continue writing. If you think that it's a train wreck and should be put out of its misery now, then off to the trash can it goes.

>>103528
Oh god that is an awesome post. I lol'd.

>>103394
Ask, and ye shall receive.

>>103465
Thank you Prof. Hugbox for your review. I'm certainly not as ungrateful to complain about any delay, if someone offers me, a complete stranger, any help on improving.

Your review was fair and it gave me a lot to think about and work on.
However, I don't seem to understand your first to pieces of criticism. I would be grateful if you could clarify. Why is it odd for Luna to be in her room, whatever silly place I put it? Also why shouldnt gems consumed as food cause food poisoning (again silly, but it still seems okay to me)?

Lastly, I wanted to ask if you care to reread the story once I've edited it. Don't feel obliged to say yes; you helped me more than enough.

One last thank you and a looking froward to hearing from you.

>>103549
As you've stated, those things are pretty silly, and anything silly, despite their insignificance, can take away from the believability of the story. Why would Luna's room be in the Star Swirl wing? Why doesn't she get her own domain like her Sister (I assume) gets? She is the most royal and powerful being in Equestria next to her sister. Unless Luna CHOSE this area, but you suggest nothing of it.

Spike getting food poisoning from a gem? Well, seeing as Gems are elements of the Earth, it seems highly unlikely that some kind of virus or bacteria would have decided to latch itself onto it. It's just preposterous. You add no justification for this, and it hindered my ability to believe the situation. It seemed that you only did it to forward the plot and have Twilight have an excuse to stay with Spike as she received the letter.

Yes, I would be happy to pre-read again for you. I will keep a look out for your story. If you post your story here and request me specifically I assume no reviewers will try to pick it up and I'll pick it up when I return to the thread, which is at least once a day.

Happy writing!

>>103506
I'll 'officially' claim this due to its length, since I can pretty much do this all at school. Should be pretty easy. So, hello there Minja, I am professor Hugbox, and I will be your reviewer for today.

Hi there, Training Grounds. I have the beginnings of a fic I would like for someone to give a look over. I only have the setup to the major plot so far, but I suppose it can't hurt to get some feedback now so I can apply it to the rest of the fic as I write it.

Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: It's been years since the Cutie Mark Crusaders began their quest to find their cutie marks. With no money and ideas on future crusades dwindling, they enter in a contest in the hopes of winning a cash prize. Instead, a miracle happens - a Crusader discovers her talent and earns her cutie mark! But what does this mean for the future of the friendship? Will there even still be a friendship?

Chapter links:
Prologue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ds5SnpVaoq7BDNJm22LSXzwQVNkuLieLHBq-qfO_3kA/edit
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qbrm4V9W1X95ForZo8408aEefiR_pzIqd9yao66ATH4/edit

Hope you enjoy it, Mr. Whoever-Reviews-This-Story.

>>103528
DUDE! Like totally thanks for all the tips bro. I guess I missed a couple spots in there, but you picked them up all radical like.

>>A special request has been made, so I think I’ll tell you the story of one of the most peculiar predicaments I’ve ever found myself in; The Cupcake Incident.
> You gotta hit SHIFT when you press the colon key if you want a colon, bro.
Thanks for the tip bro, but that semi-colon was like, intentional man.

>>What is it this time Twilight?
>>You know I really do appreciate your willingness to help Sunspot.
> You gotta put commas before the names of the n00bs being addressed. And more commas where it sounds like they, like, pause when they're talking.
Woah, thanks dude I totally did not know that. But there wasn't a single pause in there man, so why would I need commas?

> I can't read this. Indent those suckers, or put lines between them.
Thanks for the tip bro, nopony ever taught me that in school.

> There are a lot of typos too. If you're n00b who makes typos all the time, work on your micro so you don't. Or go back and fix your typos, 'cause then maybe people won't think you're such a n00b.
That one's always a royal main in the buttocks man. It doesn't matter how much I reread my story, somepony always manages to find some typo I missed, and then they think I'm a total n00b. I went over this like six times. I'm tempted to show you the original so you can see all the derps but that would be like, suicide.

Anyway thanks for the awesome tips man. Keep on rockin' dude.

>>103558
>Thanks for the tip bro, but that semi-colon was like, intentional man.
Don't n00b out on me like this, man! You use a semicolon to put, y'know, two independent clauses in the same sentence, and those aren't two independent clauses. Trust me: a colon is what a pro would use.

>But there wasn't a single pause in there man, so why would I need commas?
I meant, like, in general. When I get Kyle to read some of your dialogue he says it all fast and unnatural, because he's a n00b who doesn't put the commas in himself. Read the speech out loud and try to drop commas where you stop for breath.

>Thanks for the tip bro, nopony ever taught me that in school.
Yeah, my teachers were total n00bs too. Wanted me to do, like, physics and history and stuff.

>That one's always a royal main in the buttocks man.
We can't all be pro like me.

GG.

>>103540
Please fill out a submission form so your fic goes in our queue. Link is at the top of the thread, under "For writers:"

>>103495
Llama read the whoLle thing aLlready so Llama will cLlaim this and dish the detaiLls even now.

Llike Llama said before, this has the pace, structure, characters and interactions needed to be great. The trick wiLl Llie in getting the story out of your head and onto the page.

When it comes to grammar, punctuation and structure you are doing fine.

Your grasp of characters and canon is wonderfuLl, the diaLlogue is very fine, and you set the scene weLl. This taLle onLly faLlters in your attempt to reveaLl eLlements of your overaLl pLlot. You have chosen a very chaLlenging concept (trying to not spoiLl the story) and introducing the true nature of your OCs wiLl take time and a gentLle hoof.

Llama enjoyed the story so far and is Llooking forward to more, take your time and let it slide out into view at it's own pace.

>>103495
Lloved the fog scene and the Apple famiLly bit. nice.

>>103223
Please remove me from the queue. Based on advice from my prereaders, and a very generous gift, I'm stopping this story where it is. Stepping away for a few weeks, and going back to the drawing board.

>>103528
Best... review... ever...

Anyways...

I was just looking over on the queue. It looks like I need to clear it up a bit.

I'll claim

>>102199
Journey Behind the Central Ley Line by mewrei

>>102430
The Quiet Place by Aynine

I don't know how long this will take me, considering I have classes to worry about. I'll get back with you as soon as I can.

>>103286
Just read that fic, "Tales". Absolutely fantastic. How have I not read this before? I absolutely will be using this for inspiration. I know the recommendation wasn't aimed at me, but thank you anyways.

>saging for off-topic.

>>103586
Because the fandom forgets to easily and there is no good way to reminding them of what is actually good.

Hey guys.

I really hate to bother anyone here, and I'm not posting to bump my request (I'm well aware you guys can see it in the queue).

But I'd like to ask a question about my fic "Black Equinox" from the perspective of folks looking for things to review.

My fic has been the top of the unclaimed list for a while now, it's #2 in the active queue, and I just have to wonder... Is something about it ringing any alarm bells in potential readers at first glance?

I know my fic has been reviewed several times, and once it even got picked up for review the same day it was posted, so maybe it's just that the folks here think my turning right around and submitting the next chapter is bad form and are purposely having me wait a bit longer for my turn. In which case, I apologize, and meant no offense.

Mostly I guess I'm wondering if I'm just not grabbing people. In a lot of ways my fic is kinda' like "Cabin in the Woods," in that I can only tell so much in my synopsis/trailer without spoiling the surprise (I won't assume to be like it in any other ways, because that movie fucking RULED, and I'm ill-equipped to judge my own work). I also know HiE stories and Grimdark tend to put people off.

...and of course, accepting my request means reading five chapters and reviewing the last, which averages to around 10,000 words apiece. No small task I'm sure.

So you guys rock, I love that you take time to help aspiring writers, and I don't underestimate how it cuts into your own lives. Especially if you have to read something particularly shoddy. I'd never rush you guys, and I hope whoever picks up my fic eventually does so out of legitimate interest and not because I whined about it (I promise I'm not whining about it).

So, to the people seeing it and saying to themselves, "Meh... pass" what induced that reaction?

Eustatian Wings told me originally that either I had a stinker, or a sucky synopsis, and he later concluded the latter. The current synopsis is his own invention, but still. If it's designed as a hook and doesn't catch, I have to wonder what I'm doing wrong OUTSIDE of the story itself.

>>103578

Hail to the mighty Llama.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut: Give your readers as much info as you can up front, to heck with suspense. This is the approach I'm taking right now with a few new scenes. I'm writing everything out that's a major plot point that would be discussed, and then doing some cutting and selection to find out what bits I want to divulge. I'm liking the results so far. The consequence of this that I'm starting to see though is that I will need to go through the story again though and flesh out the tasty bits. But hey, that's editing.

The main test subject for this is the "opera color scene" as i'm dubbing it. I'm breaking it up into two separate parts, with one of them becoming an entirely new chapter at the end of Chapter 1. It shows Blair going to Celestia and telling her the initial concern and problem that the twelve have: that the barrier is falling apart. I've already written this, I just need to edit it.

In place of the current scene at the end of Chapter 3 is going to be a discussion between Blair and Piro as they walk to meet up with the other ten to tell them of their new assignment. The scene ends as they arrive, which will avoid the problem of too many voices. The point of this scene will be to show Piro as to be opposed to the Princess as Blair tries to explain to him why things are happening the way they are. This then leads in to the introduction of the rest of the OC's in Chapter 4.

The goal of all of this to give a better setup and understanding not only for the goals of the OC's but to flesh out Blair and Piro's characters, as well as explain some of their actions in greater detail. The desire to make changes like this is why I have not submitted this story to EqD. I imagine that if it gets posted there, It will get more readers, and changes of this level would turn piss people off. I know it'd make me pissed.

Fluttershy is hard to write for me because I find her to be a slightly dull character, however the very thing that I find dull about her needs to be done in a special way in order for it to go the direction I'm planning. The Derpy part was fun.

AJ's scene almost wrote itself. It's a shame that there aren't more stories that don't depict Granny Smith as a stronger character. For the reasons I point out in my story, it doesn't make any sense for her to be anything else. Also, action is easier to write.

I might have the revisions done by tomorrow night when I post Chap 6 on fimfiction. In which case it will actually be Chapter 7!

Thanks again!

>>103597

Technically, your story is first in the queue since the one before that is my unacknowledged review. x.x

So you say that it's like Cabin in the Woods and your chapters are already up on EqD? Wow, I didn't know that. Anyhoo, I guess the reason your fic hasn't been claimed is because there's not a lot of people that like HiE and Grimdark and have each chapter be over most people's limit. This story is probably over 50k in total and would take a bit of time for anyone that claims it. Reviewers don't normally like really long HiEs, but I'm sure your story isn't that terrible if it's already on EqD. It's quite hard to get a HiE up there, last I checked.

But geez, I didn't realize you were waiting nearly a month already. Ouch, that reflects poorly on the Training Grounds. I apologize profusely for that. Because of your excessive wait and the fact that you were nice about a reminder, I shall claim your story and start reading it right away. I'll have to read the first four chapters so I know what's happening of course, and then I'll get started on Chapter five.

I hope you don't mind that I'm your reviewer. I'll try to be as quick as possible. So Official claim for Black Equinox. Muwahwahwah.

>>99727

>>103597
I was one before that addressed the topic about taking fics that had been posted first in priority to others, and I have taken a few that were high up on your list, but I couldn't dedicate the time to yours. I'm sure that through your first 4 chapters I would have had things to say about it, but you only requested your 5th chapter to be reviewed. It would take up too much time for me to read something JUST to review something a lot later. Other reviewers have that kind of patience, but I certainly don't. You might want to revoke your submission and ask for all 5 chapters to be reviewed. A fic was posted a little after yours was which was 80k+ words, and someone took it.

I still have a 2.5k fic I need to review, and I just spent a BUNCH of time at my brothers graduation and haven't gotten a chance to really do much. People's lives are busy, so you have to take that into account.

>>103605
>>103606
Screw yyyooooouuuuu! This was your plan! Posting a second before me to make me look dumb! You are an abomination! A sickening piece of wasted space.

Jk. I won't make you sleep on the couch tonight.

>>103605

Oh, thank you!

Seriously thought, think nothing of it. People have lives, and I was really conflicted about posting that in case it were disrespectful.

And don't worry about speed. Believe me: I can wait X-]

Yeah, technically when I sent it to EQD, it got in under "Adventure" and "Sci-Fi" tags. Though it got in with Chapter 2 HEAVILY suggesting a ninja-HiE story beneath the mystery.

I figured I'd represent it here a little more honestly after thinking about it. The story itself is more "dark" than "grimdark," but it has moments —present or planned— with pretty grim implications of things happening to anonymous ponies, and I figure if movies are rated by their most extreme content, what makes a fic any different?

Hell, there's even a scene in a later chapter where someone is slowly crushed to death. It's probably the worst thing I've got planned for the story. Not described in a gory manner other than the mention of blood (they get themselves caught between two giant gears), but the idea alone probably warrants caution.

>>103606

Oh yeah, end of semester stuff. Forgot to mention that.

Huh... So you think people would more willingly review an entire piece than just one chapter? Never considered that. I actually thought by offering just the one chapter that people might be less intimidated. Makes you think, I guess...

Either way, thanks for the words, and sorry about getting ninja'd :-(

>>103607
Oh my! Somepony's lost their cool...

BTW, how were you able to post after falcon-punching your computer?

>>103612

I'd say that the only way it'd be more enticing is if you only wanted chapter 1 to get reviewed. If you offer a later chapter, people expect to find the chapters that came before. Asking to get the entire fic reviewed when it's over 10k usually leads to slow responses. If it's over 50k, the people normally just read the first few chapters. If you fix up those mistakes, then you can resubmit and ask the same person to review the later chapters.

Semi-unrelated note, I've got to finish that Moonlight Sonata story. It's a shame the author never got back to me on that. Oh well.

>>103607
This is why I never stop checking this thread. I'm sorry but this made me laugh so hard I may have torn one of my abdominals.

>>103574
Oh dear, well, that's awkward.
My apologies and ill get on that right away.

>>103532
Apologies, but your review is taking longer than I expected. It turns out I have a lot more to say on your story than I anticipated. I expect to finish it by tomorrow night, but it may take me one more. If you want, you can take a look at the first part of my doc comments while you wait.

Tags: Adventure (so far)

Synopsis

Many of us have heard about Star Swirl the Bearded, one of the greatest unicorns to wander Equestria's soils. But what is his story? Where was he born, how did he grow up? What was he doing during the creation of Equestria? What was his actions during the reign of Discord? How was he involved in the creation of Nightmare Moon? And what is his standing with the elements of balance and the three gods? But most importantly:

How can he still be alive?

List of links to the story:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dk-CHusFvDp-P5cRdVAUuQ1ddpAuw_lf6uqxvvLHa-4/edit (The Chapter in Question)

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8291/The-Story-of-Star-Swirl-The-Bearded (The Entire Fic)

Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed
The first chapter

Comments/requests:
First: Very sorry about my grammar in this post.
This story is one I have worked on for a long time, an only recently found people to, although slowly, help me editing it. (I don’t blame them, the grammar mistakes in here was huge). Now, finally, after a tour through 2 editors, 2 proofreaders and one reviewer, is the first, of six, chapter more or less finished to be updated at FimFiction.

Or, it should be, should not Minjask6572 have told me that it still needs a lot of work. He recommended me to send it here, and I hope I can get the help I need here.

After having, hopefully, fixed what I can that he pointed out, it’s still one thing I would want the one reading it to look over extra, and that is, taken from the review by Mnijask6572: The phoenix makes no sense at all. He/it feels more like some lost soul left to wander through eternity than an astral spirit. And he reveals so much information you’d think Star actually was supposed to be there.

Lastly, I would like to ask a question. Where is the most likely place that I could find a proofreader who has time to go through a fic that sometimes is full with grammatical errors? And how long time does it take to proofread a chapter at around 10 k words that got grammar mistakes at the range of medium to semi high?

>>103634
I refrain from asking somepony to be gentle when looking at this because that would defeat the whole purpose of criticism, but I would like to give anypony that looks at this a heads up. The reason the grammar is so bad is because Faindragon isn't a native English speaker. I had figured it out myself, but he told me after the review.

>>103450
Claiming this because Pinkie requested that I review this story specifically; which makes me happy because people actually LIKE my reviews.

Minja, I had planned to get to your story sooner, but I had forgotten I had a graduation to attend. My dear brother graduated Highschool. It brought tears to mai eyes
>Pic somehow related.

>>103506

>Pic

I'm not going to lie. This is really, really bad. It's not so much your writing style (Even though that's part of it) as much as it is the plot.

I'll post some specific examples of grammar, plot, and writing style, but I didn't do much. I stopped doing that halfway through once I realize it really didn't matter since the entire plot was just. Ugh. I don't wish to be rude, but there's not a lot I can say about this.

Grammar:

>“Yeah” I said
comma here, because 'I said' is an independent clause.

>“What is it this time Twilight?
Comma after time

>“A muffin.” I answered
comma after muffin, because 'I answered' correlates directly with the previous statement.

>Pinkie Pie was my usual guinea pig before you came along but getting a straight answer out of
comma after along, before but

Yeah, not much with grammar because I started focusing on plot a lot more. Let's take some specific examples.

Plot:

>A special request has been made
You told me that your readers had requested the story, yet your first person narrative follows Sunspot. This breaks the fourth wall, and while it's common for Pinkie to do in the show, I don't suggest you do it here. I think this paragraph should be taken out.

>Actually I had cleared the clouds; she lounged on her favorite one and instructed me on how to rearrange the sky.
You made RD sound like a total bitch, honestly. Let's just lounge around on a cloud and let this ONE PONY do all of the work. In your previous story you had them all cool together. 'I'd never leave Ponyville hanging' -RD. And I don't think she'd leave her friends hanging, either.

>“Hey! I am a dragon after all, I need my sleep sometimes,” Spike called from across the room.
You add Spike in so suddenly, and seemingly for no reason.

>"Because, if I can recreate it, then once I figure out how to open the portal to your world, I can turn others into ponies too, so they won’t be running around as humans
This seems sort of cynical. 'Let's open a portal to another world, INVITE people in then completely change them even if they don't want to change. Because it's ethical.'

>Suddenly her horn grew even brighter
Hawt. Also, how can she do this? Justify it.

>I could feel myself liquefying, and getting smaller for some reason. When it all finally stopped, I could tell something had gone horribly wrong.
No shit

>Liquefying
So, he's turning to a puddle of water, because you suggest nothing else otherwise.

>and a pink hoof shot out and tossed me up into the air as I suddenly realized what must have happened.
So he's a cupcake now. But you never suggest this. You say he's just liquefying.

>“Calm down Twilight, I’m fine; I'm just in a bit of a sticky situation.” (<Insert better joke here)
Don't insert joke at all. If I were him I would have just been completely freaked out that I had just been EATEN BY MY APPOSED GIRLFRIEND (Or at least you suggest this romantic relationship in the last story)

>“I’m so sorry Sunspot; I’ll never touch another cupcake ever again.” She sobbed.
YEAH, PINKIE PIE NOT HAVING CUPCAKES? LOLNO

Your first story was pretty much guy (Which seems like a self-insert if I ever saw one) talks to Pinkie Pie over the internet and brings him into Equestria through the TV where they fall in love after he turns into a pony. This story has been done a million times, and this time it's not even done well. Everyone loves your character, and Pinkie Pie immediately falls in love with him. Mary Sue, bro. That's not gonna fly.

Your SECOND story, which is the one I am officially reviewing is just really bad. I don't say that out of malice, I say that out of truthfulness.

Twilight explains this theory that ponies have this spectra or whatever and tries to turn him back into a pony for the sheer purpose of opening a portal to Earth and changing everyone that passes through to ponies. Then you proceed to turn him into a cupcakes where Pinkie comes OUT OF NOWHERE just to advance the plot, and eats him. Then she coughs him back up. That's it. Nothing more. Then she just cries. Not only that in the beginning RD is a bitch. So, characters are pretty OoC here, I don't give a care about what happens to your character because he's a sue, and a lot of things were just predictable. Nothing latches onto me. It's all just silliness without justification. You also never explain more about Twilight's plan, which was the only interesting thing to me.

Scrap everything.

>>103159

Author: benxlabs
Tags: Adventure, Human, Sad
Description: He's just your average teenage high school student: Depressed, lonely, and prepared to end his own life. Well, maybe not so average. But that's not the point. His life gets worse and worse, until he can take it no more. He commits suicide. Well, tries to anyway. The events that ensue are wilder than he could have ever imagined.
Links:
Fimfiction: http://bit.ly/JyuNz7
Google Doc (Includes BBC code, sorry): http://bit.ly/JIWSTr

So yeah...

>>103661
Oh you, you so silly. Of course it's really bad, I already knew it needed work, that's why I sent it here.
It's only a first pass.

Thank you so much for the help with the grammar, I've never had a keen eye for that, although I do try.

I honestly don't see the problem with the first person narrative. Unless you had the same problem with MLD or Background Pony I can't see any grounds for that accusation.

> Let's just lounge around on a cloud and let this ONE PONY do all of the work.
Um...
>This had become a hobby of mine lately. I was all too happy to help Rainbow after she had taught me to fly; it was the least I could do.
I thought I had covered that.

> You add Spike in so suddenly, and seemingly for no reason.
Well duh, didn't you read Twilight's remark?
>getting a straight answer out of her is like trying to get Spike to wake up early.”
I couldn't just have him sit there.

>This seems sort of cynical.
Okay you've got a point there, but that's easily fixed. I just need to make it clearer what her real intent was, or change it. No problem at all.

> So, he's turning to a puddle of water, because you suggest nothing else otherwise.
Well I gotta make the batter before I can bake the cake. You sure don't know how to bake cupcakes silly.

> So he's a cupcake now. But you never suggest this. You say he's just liquefying.
Um...
>Heya Twilight, how’s the cupcakes coming? OOH, this one looks really tasty
>To my horror, Pinkies eyes darted to me she said this
Honestly, sometimes I think you ponies treat these as individual sentences, instead of one whole story.

> Don't insert joke at all. If I were him I would have just been completely freaked out
I wouldn't, I trust Twilight, and so does he.
>But she always managed to put me back together afterwards, so I had faith that by the end of the day I’d at least be a pony again.
It's not like this is the first time he's been at the wrong end of Twilight's experiments. But if you do want to hear about the first time I'd be more than happy to provide it for you.

> YEAH, PINKIE PIE NOT HAVING CUPCAKES? LOLNO
You can't honestly tell me you've never said you'd never do something again and then done it again later.

> Pinkie comes OUT OF NOWHERE
>Pinkie was all too eager to bake some cupcakes for me, especially after I told her I was experimenting on them.
Don't try to tell me you wouldn't want to come see what was being done with your cupcakes.

> Then she coughs him back up.
Ha-ha no, that would be silly. Then he'd be a big mess all over the floor. No Twilight teleported him out.

> Pinkie Pie immediately falls in love with him.
No, not quite immediately. He'd been talking to her for a while online. She just really liked the way he looked as a pony, as did just about everyone except for AJ and Twilight.

> Mary Sue, bro. That's not gonna fly.
Okay, I see what you're saying there, but that's still a superficial judgement call. It's my fault really, obviously, but the only part about him that they really like is the way he looks. So the guy's a hunk, sue me, and while you're at it go sue Taylor Laughtner for being so attractive to girls.
I had planned to expand on his character a bit, but just never got around to it, and I hadn't seen the need because the story itself was so good, or at least I thought so. But that's why I brought it here.

> You also never explain more about Twilight's plan
That's because the title is "The Cupcake Incident", not "Twilight's Experiments." Twilight's merely a plot device in this story, not a main character.

> Scrap everything.
Don't make me laugh. If walt Disney had listened to that messaged every time he heard it... well, do I really need to explain that one?

Thanks for looking at it anyway. Hey do you know where I can send this where somepony might help me fix it? I guess a Review board, as opposed to and Editing board, wasn't the best choice for a first pass.

>>103695
There's a difference between an idea that salvageable and one that you need to scrap and start over. I'm not saying give up on writing, that's not it at all. The trick is being able to figure out what works and what doesn't, and learning when to move on. I'm pretty any professional author has scraped a story idea at least once after they wrote some of it. 'Someone who never made a mistake never tried anything new' -Albert Einstein. While this also applies to fixing your mistakes with the story itself, I think 'trying something new' in this instance is trying a different story.

>Honestly, sometimes I think you ponies treat these as individual sentences, instead of one whole story.
Yes, I was able to infer later on that he was a cupcake, but how you described him before as he 'liquefied' is rather confusing and suggests nothing other than him turning into a pile of mush. THEN you go straight to the fact that he's a cupcake. It's like a magical transformation that is never mentioned at all. If it's not easy for a reader to infer something then you need to check it. It took me some time to realize what had happened and I had to read it over again.

>No, not quite immediately. He'd been talking to her for a while online. She just really liked the way he looked as a pony, as did just about everyone except for AJ and Twilight.
Go read a story called 'Flutterheart'. Or any HiE shipfic in existance.

>So the guy's a hunk, sue me, and while you're at it go sue Taylor Laughtner for being so attractive to girls.
Taylor Lautner is a real person. This is fiction, and you have to uphold a foundation of believability. You know why all the women swoon over him? He's an actor, a singer, a model, and not to mention a martial artist. What does Sunspot got? Not much. You can't make comparison's between real people and fiction, because reality is already real and believable. With fiction you have to work for that believability.

>You can't honestly tell me you've never said you'd never do something again and then done it again later.
making cupcakes is a definitive trait of Pinkie Pie's. She lives at Sugarcube Corner. It's like saying that I won't I'll stop breathing because water went down the wrong pipe.

>Ha-ha no, that would be silly. Then he'd be a big mess all over the floor. No Twilight teleported him out.
Honestly, I started skimming at that point, so I won't deny you on this fact.

>I wouldn't, I trust Twilight, and so does he.
Any logical person would flail their arms up in distress if they realized they were traveling down the esophagus of anyone. You automatically go into fight or flight despite the other factors in the situation. It's your body's and mind's natural reaction to situations where death could be imminent. Even if he was a guy that was mellow and wouldn't freak out, I still wouldn't be making lame jokes anyways.

>I couldn't just have him sit there.
Yes, you could. You could have played it off as if he were upstairs. You add a purpose for him being there, but it's not enough justification. He's unimportant to the scene and doesn't even add any depth to it.

>I thought I had covered that.
I don't feel it's enough justification. But that's your ultimate call.

>That's because the title is "The Cupcake Incident", not "Twilight's Experiments." Twilight's merely a plot device in this story, not a main character.

She is a main character, because the reader will automatically perceive it that way. Sunspot and Twilight are the two leading roles in this story as the sequel itself. If Twilight is ONLY a plot device, then that suggests the only reason you did anything was to get him eaten by Pinkie Pie.

>Don't try to tell me you wouldn't want to come see what was being done with your cupcakes.
The timing just happens to be so incredibly perfect. It stretches believability. I suggest you add more things to it as to why this specific time.

>I honestly don't see the problem with the first person narrative. Unless you had the same problem with MLD or Background Pony I can't see any grounds for that accusation.

The only problem with it is the fact that your character seems like a self-insert. That's why it seems so 'fitting' for a generic bad, OC story.

>Gif somehow related.

>>103701
Ah now we're getting somewhere.

The original story I'll admit is a bit generic, but I really don't feel like taking it down. I tried not to make it a self insert. My original intent was to make it so the reader would insert themselves, but I understand that that utterly failed as well.

>It's like a magical transformation that is never mentioned at all. If it's not easy for a reader to infer something then you need to check it. It took me some time to realize what had happened and I had to read it over again.
Ok, that makes sense. I'll fix that.

>It's like saying that I won't I'll stop breathing because water went down the wrong pipe.
I was hoping the fact that she's completely distraught over having accidentally eaten her friend would have covered that, but it was only thrown in to help the joke following it anyway. I'm not so secretly really bad at humor

>Any logical person would flail their arms up in distress
>Even if he was a guy that was mellow and wouldn't freak out, I still wouldn't be making lame jokes anyways.
Shall I label him as a nut then? You've got a bit of a point there, but I need to re-iterate that this wasn't his first disaster with Twilight. And for the lame jokes thing, this was an attempt at comedy. Granted it failed miserably, the jokes are still an intentional distraction for Pinkie Pie. Sunspot is trying tokeep her from freaking out, so Twilight can quickly fix the matter. It's a trick I've seen EMTs use all the time, which also adds to my point that if you've been in a situation enough times, it doesn't phase you anymore. My dad's an EMT; he tells me about these things.

>The timing just happens to be so incredibly perfect. It stretches believability. I suggest you add more things to it as to why this specific time.
Ok thanks, I'll work on that.

>>103709
Disclaimer: haven't read the story, but I know the kind of EMT situation you're talking about, and if I've been lurking through the conversation properly I have something useful to add.

Since your story is first person you have the opportunity to show both the outside presentation of calm and the outright terror he's feeling within.

>>103722
An excellent suggestion! Why didn't I think of that? It shall be fixed straight away. Err, at least when I'm finished doing other things, and lurking of course.

Title: Beohoof the Warrior
Author Name: Trixie's Hat
Tags: [Adventure] [Crossover]
Synopsis: In days long past, tales were told of legendary ponies. The Elements of Harmony gave their guidance to those who would be destined for great deeds. One of these, Beohoof the Warrior, claimed his glory in the defeat of many monsters. What follows here is his tale.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sWdSC0zix_j7rxIR3DdnNCg5jFVpCltx0IUSMMf7i_s/edit

Comments: Golden Vision recommended I send this fic here, and to "make clear its unique format." The fic is written in the form of an epic poem, with a sort of "literary textbook" framing device. I'm just looking for general feedback, nothing really specific.

>>102819 >>102831
Okay, the new version you posted is in some funky corner of GDocs that doesn't have any sort of toolbars or comments. I checked that previous version, and it's fine, so... I don't know what happened. Long story short—you get a nice, long review post in TTG that makes things a little more difficult for both of us. To the review!

Detailed Items:
>It begins at the end, with them dying in the middle of a cloudless summer’s night.
"dying in..." is a gerund phrase. It acts like a noun, and is the object of the preposition "with." As such, there's no function in the sentence for the pronoun "them." Gerunds take possessive modifiers, so you'd properly use "their" instead of "them." This is a very common error that 99.9% of readers will never catch if you leave it as is. It's easier to spot the correct usage when the gerund is a single word:
wrong: I like mom cooking.
correct: I like mom's cooking.

When the gerund becomes quite long, your brain wants to see it as a subject-verb structure, which is why so many people make this mistake. Correct examples are rare enough that they will look wrong to most readers. It's your call whether you want to be 100% correct or fudge it for the sake of blending in with the crowd.

This may just be me, but the phrasing "in the middle of a cloudless summer's night" strikes me as odd. You usually see "in the middle of the night," which admittedly wouldn't work here, so maybe just rephrase it.

Whew! one comment down.

>The last week of their lives were spent in Manehattan, a large and beautiful city located in the northeastern part of the Equestrian Kingdom.
Subject/verb number disagreement. Your subject is "week" (singular) and your verb is "were" plural. Equestrian Kingdom? Just use Equestria, unless you're going for some alternate universe. It's ruled by Princesses. There's no king, hence no kingdom. If you want to use a technical term, go for principality.

>Manehattan contained many notable landmarks such as Saddleson Square Garden, the Equestrian State Building, the Manehattan Public Library, and the Mareiott Hotel, a five story hotel renowned for its luxurious accommodations.
Recommend a comma after "landmarks." "five-story" should be hyphenated.

>It would be here that Twilight and her friends would die in an accident that would be announced in newspapers throughout the kingdom.
Why the tense change? You've gone from past to a type of future tense.

>The elevator binging died away as the doors opened with a slight hiss.
"elevator's" This is another possessive/gerund instance, but one that should be easier to recognize as wrong.

>I have a reservation at the Turnip Garden at five...
Recommend a comma after this clause.

>Well, you can start by calming down, We know how ya get when it comes to your schedules.
You seem undecided about whether you wanted one or two sentences here, based on the punctuation/capitalization mismatch. Two is better in this case. Change the second comma to a period. If you instead make the "We" lower-case and keep the comma, you'll have a comma splice, which is basically two complete sentences tacked together with a comma. This is an error, but certain subversive elements say it's acceptable in dialogue. I say, "Poppycock!" Punctuation in dialogue is the author's/transcriber's way of communicating how the dialogue was said. The speaker doesn't say a comma. The speaker pauses. There are multiple ways to punctuate a pause, so why presume one that is incorrect? You can have correct punctuation and still preserve the way something is spoken.

>Twilight felt two hooves wrapped around her head.
Hooves are equivalent to hands. Would you say someone felt two hands wrapped around his head? You'd probably use "arms" instead. I'd suggest using "forelegs," or "arms" if you're someone who doesn't like strict adherence to pony words.

>Twilight hollered.
Not sure that's a word I'd use to describe Twilight's speech.

>She felt Applejack squeezing her grip.
A grip is something that squeezes, so there's some redundant information here.

>Now, yer going to tell—
Watch Applejack's accent. A little goes a long way. Too much makes it difficult to read. I'll clip the g's off of -ing words, but for the most part it's about word choice and colorful expressions.

>...Applejack released Twilight from the vise she had her in...
dangling preposition. "in" has no object. You can give it one (from the vise in which she had her) or avoid the issue by rephrasing (from her viselike grip, for example).

>“Heh, heh. Sorry about that,” Twilight grabbed the key from her saddlebags and unlocked the door to their room.
End the quote with a period. By using a comma, you're signaling that you're going to transition out to some narration that contains a speaking verb, but you don't have one. You also just used the phrase "unlocked the door to their room" in the previous sentence. It's repetitive.

>Wake me when you slowpokes are!
Phrasing feels strange. I'd recommend adding more to the sentence ("are" is just begging for a continuation) or add emphasis to "you" to make the meaning clearer.

>So what if there’s a few places where it’s sticking out?
Subject/verb number disagreement. Subject ("there," referring to "places," plural), verb ("is," singular). Use "there are." That said, you're allowed grammatical errors in speech if you believe the speaker would make such an error.

>Rainbow’s irises shrank...
Actually, her pupils are what shrank. Her irises would have thickened for that to happen.

>What the?
I imagine her speech is getting cut off here. Recommend a dash. Reviewers will give you different opinions bout whether to keep the question mark when you're using a dash. I'd use it.

>“Your mane is a mess,” Twilight said from the bathroom.
I'm not convinced Twilight would give a rat's ass about this.

>grabbing the doorway of the bathroom
Try to avoid these indirect structures where possible. "...grabbing the bathroom's doorframe..." is more direct an flows more smoothly.

>Beads of sweat formed on her forehead as she stiffened her body.
You just ended the previous sentence with an "as" clause. It sticks out when the repetition of structure occurs so close together.

>"We... have... no... time... for... this... Rainbow," Twilight said in-between each yank of Rainbow’s tail.
I don't thing this creates the sound you want. An ellipsis implies that the speech trails off gradually. You could describe how she's speaking in the narration instead, but I think the clearest way would be to use periods, as if each word were a separate sentence. Lose the hyphen.

>armpit
Ah, I see you aren't a strict adherent to pony words after all. You could go for the ribs if you like, but this is fine. By the way, why did they need one of Fluttershy's feathers? That would hurt to pluck. Surely Rarity could just use her hoof use her magic to brush Dash's coat lightly and get the same effect.

>she shrieked before she pulled her foreleg in, allowing Twilight to pull Rainbow into the restroom.
Repetitive use of "pull." "foreleg." Hm. Now I'm not sure about the last comment. Are you going all-in for pony words or not?

>A goofy smile spread across her race as her eyes gazed towards the ceiling.
I assume you mean "face," or there are a lot of pegasi smiling at once. Her eyes gazed? youdontsay.jpg. Rephrase to avoid unneeded information.

>Do ya’ mind if I ask what’s in the bag?
Why the apostrophe? You don't use it elsewhere, and ther aren't any missing letters.

>“It’s just a couple of animal care books. I found a recipe in one of them for birds with sore wings. It’s supposed to help them heal faster. I think it will be very useful.”
I'm not getting much body language from Fluttershy in this scene. Sell this quote to me. Show me her attitude. Is she excited, or is she trying to argue a point?

>“I wonder what’s taking them so long,” she asked.
If she asked it, why is there no question mark?

>Fluttershy set her brush down and pulled out of the books.
I think you're missing a "one."

>“What?” Rainbow growled.
Look at a couple of paragraphs before and after this line. There is a lot of repetitive subject-verb sentence structure.

>“I’m glad they didn’t.”
It took me a minute to figure out that Dash is speaking here, but her reaction while saying it would be very revealing of her mood. Show me how she says it. Body language, posture, eyes, etc.

>This... never... happened...
Same comment as the previous time you used ellipses like this.

>set her saddlebags back on her.
Ambiguous phrasing. I'm not sure whether the saddlebags are going on Dash or Twi.

>hotel
Wait... At the end of the preceding scene, you called it an apartment. Which is it?

At this point, let me say that you need to watch your indentation. It gets inconsistent in this scene.

>“We’re sorry if we were any problem,” he said as he began to walk away.
Watch the usage of "start" or "begin" actions. It's only necessary to use those verbs when you want to call attention to an action that gets interrupted or otherwise doesn't finish. This one does.

>She and the six girls dashed outside the hotel and into the crowded streets of Manehattan.
Use "out of" instead of "outside." "Out of" better communicates a change of location in this case. You'd have been fine if you left out "the hotel," because then "outside" could be an adverb, which can indicate a change of position. As it is, you've used it as a preposition, which tends to indicate a static position, as if they were already outside and just started running out there.

>Mc-Meanie-Pants
Don't use hyphens here. Names don't need them in most instances.

>Twilight brushed a few bits of gravel off of her coat.
Gravel? In an urban area? Even so, a pony's coat is awfully short to pick up gravel. I could see gravel dust, maybe.

>the location of the fancy restaurant
Unnecessary indirect structure again. "...the fancy restaurant's location."

>The building itself was lost behind the crowd in front of them.
The juxtaposition of "behind" and "in front of" makes for odd phrasing. Recommend something like "The crowd in front of them obscured their view of the building itself."

>She followed Rarity into the restaurant.
Minor point, but she followed all of them, since she was holding the door. No need to single out Rarity.

>slightly
Slightly, somewhat, a little, a bit... Use such phrases and words sparingly. They've become pet peeves for some reviewers.

>The six mares...
You already called out the number in the previous sentence. You don't need it again.

>...and told them that a waiter would be with them shortly.
Why not have him say so directly? No need to avoid it. It adds to the scene's realism and is a minor investment of words.

>“I thought you lived in Manehattan when you were a filly?” Rarity pointed out.
That's not really a question.

>I don’t see anything on here that I ate back back in the day.
Read that. Then fix it.

>...catching the attention of several nearby tables.
That's pretty remarkable when even inanimate objects notice.

>After she finished writing, she told them that their meals would be out in ten minutes as she left the table.
Again, you can have her say this. I could see skipping the actual ordering (though it would be interesting to see what dishes you invent), but telling them that their food will be out shortly is a quick thing that just helps with the atmosphere. Also, note that the hostess said a "waiter" would be with them, when in fact it's a waitress.

>Welcome-back-to-Ponyville party
Capitalize "Back" and "Party" as well.

>What do you think?
Seems a little OOC to me. She probably rambles on with her nonsense until someone stops her.

>“Come now, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity chided.
"Chided" doesn't quite work as a speaking verb. Here's why: "chide" can take a direct object, but its object will be the person being chided, not the words that do so. A speaking verb needs to be able to take the quotation as a direct or indirect object.

>Oh boy, ya shoulda seen the look on your face when she said that RD!
RD is an instance of direct address, wherein one character calls another by name, reference, or title. Direct address must be set off with commas.

>she chuckled
I could buy this one a little more, but still a borderline choice of speaking verb.

>“Three rose-petal salads with water,” she began as she set the tray onto the support.
Note that the use of "as" implies that the actions are simultaneous. Is she setting the tray down with her mouth? If so, how is she speaking?

>“Whoa!” Twilight said. “That’s a lot of croutons.”
>“You have mine, darling.” Rarity switched salads with her.
Huh? They ordered the same thing, and Rarity didn't ask for extra croutons.

>The bowl was set in front of her.
Needlessly passive voice. It has its place, but avoid it where possible. Passive voice happens when the subject of the sentence isn't the person/thing performing the action. Red flags inlcude "was <verbed>" and "was <verbed> by" phrasings.

>“Fettuccine Alfredo,” the waitress corrected...
Another weak choice of speaking verb. The direct object that "correct" takes will be the error or the person making the error, not the action taken to fix it.

>Applejack nodded as the glass of juice was placed in front of her.
Needlessly passive voice again.

>Metaphysics? Politics?
Are these titles, or is she speaking with emphasis? If emphasis, then italicize the question marks as well.

>We’re deeply sorry Twilight, ...
Direct address again. Commas needed on both sides.

>...things,” Rarity spoke up before looking at a nearby clock.
"Speak up" is intransitive, so it can't be a speaking verb.

>apartment
Again with this. Is it an apartment or a hotel room?

>A mare needs her beauty sleep after all.
Needs a comma after "sleep."

>The pedestrian traffic had died down since the girls had arrived.
"Girls" is fine, but just wondered if you'd rather use "mares."

>Pinkie eyes
Pinkie's

>There were about a dozen ponies inside the little ice cream parlor.
Repetitive use of "inside."

>“Thanks for the ice cream Twilight,” Pinkie chirped as she and Applejack started licking their cone.
Direct address needs a comma, and "chirped" is a unique enough word that it's more noticeable when it's repeated. You've used it recently enough that it feels repetitive.

>It wasn’t the best soft serve she’s had, but it was pretty darn good.
she'd

>Bu... but
When repeating a word as if stuttering, use a hyphen: Bu-but.

>“Uhh... yeah!” said Applejack in shock as she leaned close into Fluttershy’s ear.
Beware the difference between "in to" and "into." Don't assume you can always combine them into one word. In this case, it would mean Applejack got inside Fluttershy's ear.

>The rest of the mares began to pack.
Watch that "began" again.

>In their haste, they had forgotten to turn off the iron.
A bit over-the-top. Better to imply it that say it outright.

>“Spike, can you please find my Divination for Dummies book please?”
Book titles arre underlined or in italics, and I gather you've chosen italics from the previous instances here. Since you're already in italics in this line, the proper thing to do is un-italicize the title.

>“Sure thing, Twilight,” Spike climbed up the ladder.
You need a speaking verb according to the way you've punctuated it.

>Neightownian Physics
Given thatit's not a title in this case, there's no reason to capitalize "physics."

>At the same time, Spike fell backwards off the ladder, hitting his head on the wooden floor beneath.
I think you want "below" instead of "beneath," as your choice specifically means the bit of floor directly under the ladder, which would require him to fall around the side of it.

>...Twilight felt the room...
...Twilight felt that the room...

>...she threw it open and saw a large crowd was gathered...
Either lose "was" or add a "that" before it.

>Get up all of you!
Direct address needs a comma.

>...she dragged herself across the floor.
Repetitive use of "drag."

>Rainbow picked her up from behind and set her on her back.
The last "her" is ambiguous. Is Fluttershy on her own back, or is Dash carrying her? I'm also completely stymied as to what's wrong with Fluttershy.

>Where’s the fire at?
Never dangle an "at." Other prepositions may be excusable in the right situation, but this one's just grating. Delete it or givve a longer description ("Where'd the fire start?" or "Where has the fire spread?" for example).

>>102819 >>102831 >>103749
GENERAL COMMENTS
Style:
Not too much to say on this. You tend a little toward repetitive words, phrases, and sentence structure, but it wasn't bad. I did appreciate how you kept the sentences mostly short and clipped during the action scene, which is the correct way to do it. It's even harder to keep up a good variation in the structure of short sentences, though.

I only caught you doing "talking heads" a couple of times (back-and-forth dialogue with little or no action to break it up), but you did rely pretty excluseively on coarse actions. Toss in a little more of the finer actions like body language, posture, and expressiveness of face, eyes, and ears to add a bit of flavor. In fact, it's a good idea to do that in general as it aids in show-vs-tell. For the most part, you did a pretty good job of it.

Characters:
Can't really fault you on much here, but again watch Applejack's accent, and don't have her come across as dumb. She isn't. Twilight seemed a little too timid in places. And please tell me you weren't going for a pun on burnt Sienna. If so, that was bad, and you should feel bad.

Plot:
Right. You've got a job to do in convincing me of several things.

1. Pegasi are known to be able to carry quite a bit of weight. Fluttershy's no heavy lifter, but she can carry Dash without a problem. Even with Shy out of commission, Dash could have ferried the other five out the window one by one without any trouble. Give me a reason why this wouldn't work. I realize that might negate your rescue of Sienna, but there are other ways to bring her into play.

2. For that matter, why is Shy out?

3. Smoke alarm didn't wake any of them up? That is what it's for, after all.

4. Fire burns outward from its source, and goes up more easily, unless something collapses to allow it a quick path down. That is to say, since they were on the floor above where the fire began, their floor should have been one of the worst ones, and once they got down a couple of floors, they should have had an easier time of it. If they weren't up very high to begin with, then I could see the fire's source on the second floor, which is the one collapsing into the lobby. but then, it would have been even simpler for Dash to fly them all down, or for someone to reach them with a ladder from outside.

Here's the other issue I had: the scenes leading up to the fire were cute and gave me a nice little slice-of-life feel. However, what purpose do they serve? You could have started just before the fire with a very brief explanation of what they were doing in Manehattan, and it wouldn't take anything away from the plot. There needs to be some tie-in so that those initial scenes carry a meaning that is important to the message. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're planning to do so in a later chapter, but keep it in mind.

And why are you calling this a prologue? If the opening scenes do have tie-in later, this has plenty of length to be a chapter.

I was unclear of whether the short opening two paragraphs were an actual scene or your draft of a synopsis. As a scene, it isn't working. It's kind of a framing device that never gets picked up again after that first page.

You asked for specific help with developing the sad, but... there's no sad here. I definitely see it as heading in that direction, but so far we have some d'aww best friends stuff, a bit of comedy, and an action scene. So there's really nothing I can help you with yet on that front.

You've also blown any sort of suspense you could have built by already divulging through the title, synopsis, and opening to the prologue that they all die in a fire. While the action scene was engaging, I did spend much of the prologue wanting to cut to the chase since I already knew that the nice night out and attempt to escape were meaningless. The jury's still out on Sienna.

I'm going to go ahead and skim what you've got for chapter one, but it doesn't sound like it's in a state where you're ready for a review.

On the whole, not a bad read, but just feels like everything's too detached and incomplete. Keep writing, and have fun with it.

>>102206
You'll find a lot of stuff in my doc comments; the other set of comments on the story regarding grammar and mechanics should help you too. Now I'll put some of the more persistent errors here too:

>Spacing.
I greatly prefer the double spaced method on computer screens over indentation. Either way, it's a personal preference as both are fine.

>Font.
I suggest you pick something different personally. There's nothing wrong with whichever one this is, but the letters look a little funny to me. My personal favorite is Cambria, but w/e works for you.

>Ellipses
You have far too many of these. They simply aren't effective if you have as many of them as you do here. Remember that the "..." should be used when you're having a character pause for a considerable amount of time, or someone is trailing off. Interruptions in dialog are done with an em-dash. In narration the ellipsis is almost exclusively used to indicate a scene change. I think I've marked all of the ones I thought could use some re-thinking.


>colons
Yeah, way too many of these too.


>Dash
You only say Rainbow Dash once or twice throughout your entire story. I think it's important for you to use her full name or the first part of it at least a little bit more, even if only for simple variety.

It took me a long time to really get into your story. Partly I believe this was due to the number of comments I was making on the first half, and partly because I found it difficult to figure out exactly what kind of tone you were going for. It feels like you're a novice driver starting with a stick-shift for the first time. You jerk to a start-stop a lot at first, but once you get the hang of where you're going and you've figured out how to use the clutch properly you take off. I feel like that shift happens around the time Dash meets with Derring-Do the second time. From around that point onward I felt your story was a lot stronger and mush easier to go through.

I can certainly see why EqD rejected this; it still needs work. Still, you've got a solid idea and your execution isn't too far off the mark. Keep at it.

Title: March to the Scaffold
Author: Foxy Kimchi
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Sad, Dark, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot for trail. (The title, and the first chapter is loosely based off of the 4th movement of Symphonie Fantastique, March to the Scaffold, by Hector Berlioz. Chapter 2 was inspired by Beethoven's 5th symphony. Link on FimFiction).
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold
Comments: Rejected by EqD. All I was told was that it was rejected because of "basic grammatical errors". This puzzles me as 3 different editors and myself went over it multiple times. We need help finding these errors. Also, grammatical errors aside, does this story have the potential to be on EqD?

>>103749 >>103750
Ah! Thanks for the review! I almost forgot I had this going through again.

I have some questions, but I have work, so I'll ask you later.

>>103756

>Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot for trail.

>3 different editors and myself went over it

Did you mean to say "trial?" I really hope not, because how do you make a typo in a one-line synopsis?

>>103709
>The original story I'll admit is a bit generic, but I really don't feel like taking it down. I tried not to make it a self insert. My original intent was to make it so the reader would insert themselves, but I understand that that utterly failed as well.
As much as I hate them, to have the reader insert themselves, that is what a second person story is for, but with the current actions and perceptions of Sunspot, I'd see it hard for a reader to identify fully with him.

>Shall I label him as a nut then? blah blah conserving space because space
I understand that you're trying to fit in comedy, but the trick is putting it in at the right time. This is not it. As far as I can tell, this is the climax of your story and should bring the reader a little bit of worry for Sunspot. Making jokes so suddenly about it loses it. I think, if you want to play comedy, that you should put it in in between the time that he turns into a cupcake and when Pinkie arrives. That would hit two birds with one stone. It gives time so that Pinkie doesn't arrive so perfectly and that you're able to add comedy in.Then you break the comedy by your climax.

>eaten her friend
In your last story you make it sound like they're dating by the end of it. Sunspot DOES call her sexy and she's like 'ORLY?'

>>103761
Maybe it's one of those 'trail' event things. Like everyone travels on a trail for the fun of magic and friendship an-

Nevermind
>Related Gif

>>103491
Hello there. I'm claiming this story for review. It will be the first I have done, and I'm a bit nervous about this but I've got some free time and I'd like to help out a bit while I wait for my fic to be reviewed. Expect a review soon. If it seems I got something wrong please feel free to get a more experienced person on here to do a second opinion.

Please if I did this wrong please tell me

>>103767
Hey friend! I started reviewing only a few weeks ago and I was nervous about it to. I've rocked out about 12 fics or so if I remember correctly. You'll get the hang of it quick. If you can recognize key points that need to be fixed that will be good enough. Welcome to the team!

Good luck!

>Picture related, me being Pinkie pie and Fluttershy is you. But, you know. Stuff

>>103756
If it's just basic grammar, then I should be able to help. So I'll claim this.

A few things first:
>Submit it to the Queue
>If there's a Gdoc version (with comments enabled,) then please post a link here.
>If there isn't a Gdoc version, then I would appreciate it if you made one (you can copy it from the FimFic editor; I don't mind if you leave the BBCode in it.)

>>103754

>New Achievements Unlocked!
>"Tag-Team Battle" x5: One reviewer agreed with another reviewer's comment
>“Make Up Your Mind" x3: Used multiple variant spellings of the same word
>“...It's Not Even Wrong” x2: Used a word/phrase that was utterly inexplicable
>"...I Meant To Do That" x1: Writer response to a comment included a whiny excuse or justification
>"Friendly Fire Isn't" x1: Reviewer doubted or disagreed with another reviewer's comment

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Aj5BzWqq11gsdFFFZnZOUGoxd2g1cUpCS3dCNEp0OEE

There were multiple contributors, so you'll have share these. Also, my story contained more problems relating hyphens, ellipsis, commas, and capitalization than every other story I've reviewed to date combined. Interesting.

I'd like to deeply thank everyone who contributed. You caught a ton of stuff I never even considered. I already feel like this story has gotten way more attention than it deserves, and has received a lot of advice I should have already known about. Regardless of whether this makes it into EQD, I've learned a lot from this.

>I suggest you pick something different personally. There's nothing wrong with whichever one this is, but the letters look a little funny to me. My personal favorite is Cambria, but w/e works for you.
I’m not particularly attached to any given font. Whichever is easiest on the reader is fine with me. Unortunately, Fim Fiction is far less versatile than Google Docs. As far as I know, the only two fonts available there are "serif" and "sans serif." I'm not even sure which fonts they use for these.

>It feels like you're a novice driver starting with a stick-shift for the first time. You jerk to a start-stop a lot at first, but once you get the hang of where you're going and you've figured out how to use the clutch properly you take off.
On an amusing side-note, I am a novice driver who has never driven stick shift before. I’m sure I would pose a whiplash hazard if I did.
This seems like a much meatier problem. I’m not really sure how to address this, apart from rewriting the first two thirds o the story... and even then, I’m not sure if it would help.
I can think of one major turning point that occurs during Dash’s second encounter with Derring-Do: The story goes from being plot driven to character driven. Is it possible I’m just better at cheracterization than plots? If so, the only way to fix this story is for me to become a better writer. Which I’m all for, mind you... but it seems like a problem that goes beyond the scope of a single story.

Hm. I shall go through the comments and fix everything I can. After that, I shall meditate on larger changes. This is the second time I’ve had to make larger changes, and each time I seem to introduce more problems than I resolve.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go look up the exact defenition of the words "compound predicate."

>>103756
On the IRC, Cassius said that this was auto-rejected. Which means that the grammar errors were in your submission form.

But here are my thoughts:

>The synopsis need work. The notes in your synopsis are longer than the synopsis itself.

>The opening could be better, but I could've been worse. And the pacing starts to drag after awhile.
http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/episode-07-pacing

>Every sentence ends with a double space. Go to Find and replace in Gdocs and press the space bar twice under find and once under replace.

>With their heads held high, they marched with vigor, the younger bachelor soldiers ready to show off their war wounds to any mare they could find, or colts if they were into that.
I worry that some of your readers with Ragequit and starbomb because of that last part. But I could be wrong. I myself just found it to be unfunny.

>Oh(comma) how she regretted her failed invasion. ...
The whole paragraph that this is part of is Tell and it's recap. Anyone who's reading your fic has seen the season two finale.

Around the fourth Thump...Thump...Thump... I got bored and asked on the IRC about this fic. If you want me to review the rest, I will. But I'd prefer to do so in the comments of a Google Document.

>>103491
Ok first things first. Grammar isn't covered here, but I will say there were a ton of errors. Check the doc to see what I mean. That out of the way lets get onto the story itself.

First, I'd like to talk about the tone of the fic. At first it seemed like you were going to play the idea of having a gangster's son in Cheerilee's class. You played it straight which I can applaud, but then about halfway through you turned the tone of the story on its head, pushing for a comedic route instead. The fight scene between Cheerilee and Shady Business is fairly well done, but it plays out like a poorly translated 80s martial arts movie, which shatters any attempts at seriousness. If you meant for this to be taken seriously, well I'm sad to say it didn't work out that way. I'd suggest either playing it up for laughs and putting more humor in the first half, or taking away the cheesy one liners in the second half, because the two don't really mix well at least right now.

Second, I'd like to address your "twist" ending. Now I'm a pretty big fan of the narrative twist, but I do know when its being executed well and when its being executed poorly, and your twist is defiantly more towards the latter. My main problem is that you telegraph the ending. There is a big difference between foreshadowing, and telegraphing and you certainly aren't foreshadowing. The problem is the way you word the situation. By saying Red was dating a gangster you have immediately given away the twist ending. There are many solutions to this (Example she started dating a bully), but it needs to be fixed asap.

Finally there are some basic flaws in your writing. Paragraph structure and order was a problem throughout the piece, but the main problem I have is your innate want to say the same thing twice. My history professor refers to this as Redundancy Department of Redundancy because you say the same thing twice. See you keep saying the same thing. You see how annoying this gets. Canb you se why a reader would be annoyed. Its a pain for a reader. It sucks when reading stuff like that. Ok I'll stop now. I'm ceasing saying the same thing twice. But seriously it needs to be fixed.

Overall I give your story a 2.5/5. Your concepts and ideas are there but the execution of such leaves much more to be desired. That being said this was my first time reviewing so if you disagree with anything, please feel free to take it to a more experienced reviewer on /fic. Thanks for putting up with me

Whew first review done. I may continue reviewing if Golden Vision doesn't get to my fic soon. I don't know how to work the excel sheet as a reviewer so if someone could help me it would be much appreciated.

Title: The Challenges of Love--Part One: Rarity's Tale
Author: pmcollectorboy
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Sad, Adventure, Dark
Synopsis: Rarity packs and leaves on a trip to far off Buttercup to visit her family, with hopes of buying wonderful gifts for her family and friends for the holiday of Gift Giving Day. But her world gets turned upside down when she discovers the plight of a group of orphans and reconnects with an old flame.
FimFiction Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/434/The-Challenges-of-Love--Part-One%3A-Rarity%27s-Tale
Chapters: 1-7

I've submitted this heavily revised version of my Rarity story which once saw publication on Equestria Daily. I was no longer happy with the original vision of it and rewrote it to take it in a new direction. It's weird because I feel the new vision will be much more satisfying than the old version. I also managed to get ONE story in after their standards seem to change called Stone Hearts, but I wrote that one as a joke, and I'm struggling to get my more emotionally invested story approved. Here is the response I got: "Please take your story over to Ponychan for a thorough review with eyes to:

1) Comma mis-use
2) Word repetition. (We don't need to be told the cat's name is Opalescence more than once. IE: The cat's name was Opalescence. (And then later on...) The cat named Opalescence ...
3) Odd phrasings/sentences. 'Frigid assault to her delicate nostrils'?
4) Show vs. Tell
5) Story flow. It seemed to rush in segments and drag by in others. Smooth it out."
Thanks for any help anyone can give.

>>103728
Beowulf with ponies.

It has taken far, far too long for this to happen. Dibs!

>>103764
>eaten her friend
>In your last story you make it sound like they're dating
They are dating, in fact they end up married if you read far enough, but I can still say friend If I feel like it.

Thanks for all the advice though, the 30 people actually following this story will definitely appreciate it.

>>103728
Comments (though not many of them) in the doc.

Having recently read Beowulf, I can safely say that this makes me happy. You hit every note of the original, and I acknowledge this work's quality as a parody. That being said, if you haven't read Beowulf, you probably won't enjoy this as much, but that can be said for any parody.

Grammatically, well, I've got nothing. It's written as an epic poem, and those have different standards of grammar. If I'd pointed out all the odd wordings I'd noticed, there would've been a lot more comments, but this is an epic poem, so those are to be expected.

I want to see this thing succeed, and I wish I could give you more help than I am, but...yeah. That's all I got. If somepony else wants to take a look at this, too, you can go right ahead.

>>103795
I know I may seem like I'm nitpicking now, but please keep in mind that it's for the best intention. I think that if you're going to use friend there, then you need to clarify somewhere in the story of their actual relationship, since this is a sequel and not a chapter added on to the last story.

>>103761
Your right my bad.

I am juggling a lot of things at the moment so I rushed when I typed it. "Trial" is the correct word.

>>103798
Ha-ha funny reaction pic.

Yeah, I know you mean well. Don't worry, I didn't actually put friend in the story, I was just saying that for that one specific comment.

I'm so high on life right now I'm giggling at everything I see

>>103757
Right! I said I'd have some questions. Here they are.

I take it that you haven't read the book that this is based on, haven't you? The book basically starts by saying the character is going to die. I decided to keep this same idea.

I want to emphasize that fate can rear its ugly head at any moment. A mood whiplash, if you will. I want the reader's emotions to stem from the fact that they know they are going to die, but they themselves do not know. I want to pull something like that off. In fact, I want to be extra cruel by implying that dying at their age is practically unheard of.

>Insert "go to Story Forge" comment here.

>Does anyone go there anymore?

On to the plotholes:
1) I changed it so it's not one of those windows you can open. Will this work?
2) Breathed in too much smoke?
3) *shrugs

Maybe the smoke got there too late, so that it goes off as they are waking up?

4) Changed it so it started on the first floor.

As for the "burnt Sienna", I totally did not think of that when I thought up of the name. That doesn't mean I'll change it, though. I thought it sounded "horse-ish" enough. Is that even a word?

Anyway, that's my questions/concerns/complaints/whining/etc...

I think this really wasn't the best chapter to send to you to work on "sad". However, the rest of the story would use it (hopefully) very much. However, I'm still struggling with brainstorming. I've got a list of ideas. Would you be interested in looking at it? If so, I'll send it by e-mail.

Thanks for the review!

p0n00b

P.S. coding for 7 hours straight is very, very dumb. I'd would not recommend it...

>Is this related to anything in any way?

>>103772
4 grammatical errors in that short a post do not inspire confidence.

>>103809
>I want the reader's emotions to stem from the fact that they know they are going to die, but they themselves do not know.
Unless it's one of those tales where the characters are very old, the characters rarely know that they're going to die. The reader's going to suspect it from your title and tags anyway. You don't have to go for the hard sell.

>I changed it so it's not one of those windows you can open. Will this work?
In a word, no. I haven't met the window that Applejack couldn't destroy with a single kick.

>Breathed in too much smoke?
Fine, but you need to include a reason. Just having her pass out is WTF?

>Maybe the smoke got there too late, so that it goes off as they are waking up?
Better to have it malfunction and never go off. Those things are quite sensitive.

>Changed it so it started on the first floor.
Fine, but how far up is their room? Like I said, if they're not far up, it's even more ridiculous that Dash couldn't fly them down, and particularly if they're only on the second floor, they could jump without serious injury.

One other thing I meant to bring up:
Twilight couldn't teleport them out because the heat was too distracting. In canon, she teleports quite easily, like the time she kept popping Spike back into the library when he tried to run away multiple times. It comes to her pretty easily. But then she can levitate Sienna in a room that's even hotter? Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!

>>103811
Neither do anons, if the history of this board is to taken into account.

And avatar guys don't count, they use an avatar, they are not anon.

>>103814
>Unless it's one of those tales where the characters are very old, the characters rarely know that they're going to die. The reader's going to suspect it from your title and tags anyway. You don't have to go for the hard sell.

I know your concerns. I still want to keep it in, however. Should I tackle on something at the end saying something along the lines of "these are their final moments" or something, because (no offense) I will not get rid of it.

>In a word, no. I haven't met the window that Applejack couldn't destroy with a single kick.

Nngh! Can I go for the panic causes poor decisions excuse?

>Better to have it malfunction and never go off. Those things are quite sensitive.

Got rid of it.

>Fine, but how far up is their room? Like I said, if they're not far up, it's even more ridiculous that Dash couldn't fly them down, and particularly if they're only on the second floor, they could jump without serious injury.

I said it was on the third floor. I mentioned that at the beginning of the story.

>Twilight couldn't teleport them out because the heat was too distracting. In canon, she teleports quite easily, like the time she kept popping Spike back into the library when he tried to run away multiple times. It comes to her pretty easily. But then she can levitate Sienna in a room that's even hotter? Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!

Good grief! You speak of Twilight's magic as some fix-all device that will always work and can instantly deliver them out of any perilous situation. NO! I don't buy that!

Take "Feeling Pinkie Keen" for example. The girls are being pursued by a ticked off hydra. Did she use her teleportation powers then? No! Like you said, she can "teleport quite easily", so why didn't she teleport then?

What about "Sonic Rainboom"? Rarity is plummeting to her death. Once again, Twilight could have just simply teleported Rarity to safety. Did she? No!

What about "Stare Master"? Her magic did a great job saving her there!

What about "Dragonshy", when they are fleeing the avalanche? She could have conjured up a simple shield. How about when the dragon breathed on them?

As far as levitation vs teleportation...

Let us first consider Rarity. She is shown to be very adept as levitation. She even has the ability to levitate her cat. However, we've never seen her teleport. To me, that implies that teleportation is far more difficult than levitation, hence the reason why she isn't able teleport, but can still levitate, albeit with great difficulty.

Also, when did I imply that the room Sienna was in was hotter? They were on the same floor.

I just know you're going to mention something about the lower floors, and how much hotter they are going to be. I imagine casting a spell and maintaining a spell to be like friction. It takes a lot of effort to push a book on a table, but once you get it going, then it doesn't need as much effort. Likewise with spell-casting, it will be easier to maintain the spell than to cast one.

I'm sorry, but I have a real problem with guys assuming that magic is the solution to everything in the MLP. Yes, I will go as far as to yell at a reviewer for it. However, don't take this to mean that I believe magic can never solve anything. Yes, in "Dragon Quest", Twilight was able to teleport herself as well as Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Spike to safety.

Admittedly, I still have to work with the Dash flying them out problem, but I will not change how I'm having Twilight use her magic. Did I explain enough?

huff... huff...

Now that my temper's finally cooled down, do you have anything else for me?

Now that it's summer I may open up a review thread. That may be a big mistake... Or so I'm told. Contemplating this fact.

But for now I'm onto Pinkie_Daine's Death's Door. I'm excited for this one.

>Sage for nothing really important

>>103830
iirc, teleporting did take some effort, for Twilight in S1E2. It's something she gradually improves, and by season two, she does it rather effortlessly. I'd place your fic somewhere after season two, since, y'know, they're still alive then. And Rarity can't teleport because, like most unicorns, she only excels at a couple of spells. Twilight's talent is the ability to use any magic. I'm not just playing devil's advocate here. The point is precisely that most readers have this perspective on Twilight, and will question your explanation. It's not about appeasing me. It's about appeasing them. If that's not important, then more power to you.

>>103830
DANG IT! This always happens when I rage.

>Let us first consider Rarity. She is shown to be very adept as levitation. She even has the ability to levitate her cat. However, we've never seen her teleport. To me, that implies that teleportation is far more difficult than levitation, hence the reason why she isn't able teleport, but can still levitate, albeit with great difficulty.

hence the reason, *with the heat*, why *Twilight* isn't able to teleport, but can still levitate, albeit with great difficulty.

I am so going to be banned for this...

>>103835
I'm sorry for going rabid there. I just get a little flustered when someone comments on something like that. Frankly, online anonymity doesn't help matters.

I'll try and fix as many plotholes as I can, but I'm going to leave the magic alone.

I'm still stuck as to how I want to string my ideas for this doc together. If you are interested, the ideas doc is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GLxguNqpn_0hiOoDjoMnITb41LrwKDmMdNy89h0TILs/edit
Tell me what you think.

>>103835
To be fair, nothing suggests that Rarity CAN'T teleport, either. In Art of the Dress, we see her floating an abundance of items in the air. Considering we know nothing really about magic other than a few things Twilight claims, couldn't Rarity use all of the concentration from mass telekinesis to teleportation? I don't know how FAR she teleports in this matter, but I don't think it would be too much of an improbability.

I do agree that justification will be needed, but I don't think it will need more than a simple sentence.

>Pic related. I think.

Title: Get Lost (In a Book)
Author: Kavonde
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Comedy, Slice of Life/Normal
Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle has been waiting eagerly for her copy of the newest Equestrinox novel. Now that she's finally got it in her hooves, though, it seems like all of her friends are in trouble and need her help. Will Twi find time to enjoy her book without leaving everypony hanging?
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27903/Get-Lost-%28In-a-Book%29
To Be Reviewed: All
Comments/Request: I haven't submitted this to EqD yet, so it's a blank slate as far as criticism goes.

>>103789
thank you very much for the time spent on the review. I will start working on patching things up soon enough (have a busy weekend coming). Don't worry about your first review, you did pretty well. Constructive criticism, light hearted humor throughout the comments (made me chuckle a couple of times), and a rapid execution. I will address the grammar issues as soon as possible. I think I found a way to make the "plot twist" as you called it, a little more subtle. If possible I would like your opinion on that change. (my email address is attached with the post should you want to discuss it.)

A few things I wanted to point out:

You mention the change of vibe, from a somewhat darker/somber setting to a comedic like story. Maybe I didn't execute it properly, but it was somewhat intentional. The goal was to set up a lightly dark mood and flip it all over to both surprise the reader, and give a bit of punch to the comedic aspect. Maybe this practice is something I should avoid, but I was curious about trying it. (that is why I tagged the story as random) So yeah, the story isn't meant to be taken seriously. More like a light hearted kung fu movie comedy.

If you think I should make the first part comedy oriented like the second half, do you have any suggestion as to how I could alter the story in a way that would still bring the fight to the classroom? Just wondering if you have any idea.

I'll also try to get rid of my redundancy department of redundancy bad habit. I hadn't noticed it until you pointed it out. Makes me wonder how much I used it in my other stories.

Anyway, thanks again for the review, you were a huge help, and i hope to work with you again later. Good luck in your future reviews.

Sincerely, MHB

>>103450
Hey, Pinks. Like I said, I was excited to review this one, and I wasn't disappointed. That doesn't mean you're getting out of a review though. It will just be kind of shorter because I wasn't concerned with a lot of smaller problems (Which weren't much) and more with the entire picture.

Grammar:
Just a few notes in the doc. Not a whole lot, as the last it was pretty much good. I'd suggest reading it out loud to yourself though. If you feel there should be a short pause for a comma and it makes sense to put it there, do so. Some sentences were kind of rushed because of the lack of commas.

Writing Style:
Beautiful, except for one thing: You have first person narrative, then you have third person limited, then back to first person. This can get a bit confusing. When we switched to Twilight I wasn't quite sure for a few moments if Celestia was watching Twilight and narrating it or if it was just a third person narrative. Other readers will be wondering this too. Some clarification would be good.

Concept/plot: I love it. It's been done before, but so has everything else. One of the problems though is I'm not sure about Celestia's state. You mention she's dead, but the way you describe things it's like she's still alive. I can understand if she's a ghost capable of tangibleness, but a little more clarification on her actual being needs to be stated, you just keep talking metaphorically, and while this is fine it just needs more. Other than that you bring a pretty good light to it, except for the part where I have to smash it down which is right now.

Problems:
It reads like a journal, and near the end of the story I realize that it is, in fact, a journal! While this is not necessarily wrong, we just get to read about Celestia's thoughts and a little bit of what's going on. The philosophy and metaphoric thoughts and descriptions are beautiful (Even though sometimes it feels like Celestia is your mouthpiece) but like I said with her physical state, there's just not enough of an actual STORY. It's like you dug a hole for depth, yet you didn't seem to put up the party and invite people to it. That's a REALLY bad analogy, but you get the point.

>Gif

Anyways, overall it's pretty good. It's beautifully written, but anyone with an average attention span just won't be captivated enough by it. I'd like to see more from Twilight near the beginning. That might help. Keep trucking Pinkamina! I hope to see you again.

>>103787
Thanks for the help.

>>103856
Great review thanks again for the in depth analysis I really appreciate it.
I probably will not be posting this one (Due to the fact that it isn't really a story.)
But I still really do appreciate the review making you my Number 1 reviewer. Thanks again.

>>103866
>will not be posting this one
>is not a story
>takes a read
>pic
Out of curiousity, why would you think that that isn't a story?

>>103796
Thank you very much for your input! From your comments, it looks like I should work on the Ursa Minor battle a bit more, which I can do. I'll also do a double-triple check to see if there's anything else I can improve.

>>103849
I'll take this.

>>103866
>>103903
From my review, it is a story, but it's just not enough. To clarify on what I meant, it is a story, if it isn't a story I don't know what it is, but it lacks a lot of it. S story is there with all of its plot, pacing, concept, ect. ect. but it just reads more like a personal journal than a story. That was my issue.

>>103756
I saw in your post in Hugbox's thread that you recommended listening to the music while reading. Be careful when likening your story to something that has layers of meaning. I see the story's literal resemblance, but it bears no trace of the piece's overall meaning, which is a series of feverish delusions. I get no sense that this story takes place in a dreamscape with its accompanying grotesque twists of reality. I'm probably nitpicking, but this stuff is right up my alley. It might behoove you to make the distinction.

>>103836
It's a developing problem in the series (at least for us writers) that Twilight is getting such a large bag of tricks at her disposal. Her magic becomes this potential deus ex machina "out" for almost any adventure-style scene you care to create. And she has no canon kryponite to restrict that.

But there's nothing saying you can't create your own kryptonite.

If you want to severely limit her powers during a scene, BASH her horn in. Well, at least hit it hard with something--maybe a bookcase? Show us that hitting the horn hard is like hitting your funnybone. Her magic goes all weak and tingly... Then it can spark and sputter and she won't be able to do complex magic like teleportation, but she can handle levetation--though perhaps will several close shaves as it starts to fail for a moment. (Drama source!) You can do this a few scenes before the action, even, to give the reader time to get used to it.

That's just one idea, but I'm sure you can come up with other reasons why she can't do NOW what she's previously been shown capable of doing in the show.

The problem with her magic is when you don't address it issue at all, then the readers are figuratively screaming "Don't open that door you stupid @#[email protected]#!" at the TV. :D

I'm still up for anyone to review my FimFiction story that couldn't pass muster at EQD. I've already had one editor at FimFiction highlight some bad points and good points and offer some plot advice, but I could use a multitude of opinions. Here is the thread again. http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/103159.html#103791 I'm currently thinking of ideas for the revision. It'll probably be extensive and might require an outline first. But the above link is what it looks like so far.

>>103935
I tried that by having the heat affect her. They are in a burning hotel after all. Apparently, it's not enough kryptonite for her...

As far as the "Why can't Dash just fly them out?" problem, do you think that finding yourself in a perilous situation might cause you to make stupid decisions? If that doesn't work, should I just make the window too small for them to fit through? Ugh...

>>103850
I'd be more than happy to help you out. Heck if you put a revised version up on TTG and requested me to review it, I would do so without hesitation. I also have an fimfiction account you can message me on(http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Khakispony). Just tell me when you've made the fixes and I'll be happy to give it a second look over.

Addressing your change in vibe: I'm fine with a change in the tone of your fic. Its a fun little idea, but as is now its like whiplash to a reader. You have to ease a reader into a new tone or else some will just be like WTF. Imagine if in FoE if Littlepip was about to start fighting an alicorn, and then out of nowhere, she starts breakdancing. Some readers would laugh, while others would just be utterly confused at what just happened. I'm going to call that Pinkie Pie Syndrome. Some will embrace the crazy while others will act like Twilight and try and put a logical twist on the randomness and be utterly frustrated.

I'd also suggest adding a comedy tag with the current tags as that would have helped immensly going into the review.

Review's in the doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wRfH-gLJMOW_G__Lg-wwyZMJ5-9iYvscUXFIX74jUvA/edit

>>103583

I hate to say this, but organic waste has just hit the rotational air circulation device. Things have gotten me very stressed recently. Can I request that I pass on the review to someone else? I just can't find the time to fit them in :(.

Synopsis: Princess Celestia has deployed the Equestrian Guard to all corners of Equestria in response to the dangers of the changeling threat. Off in Ponyville, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and friends are forced to deal with strangers, sinister plots, curious new ponies, and a dark shadow returning to consume everything!

Links:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25774/There-is-a-Season

Comments/requests:
I'm looking for a general review of my work, and more specifically interested in getting it cleaned up to meet Equestria Daily standards. Comments, ideas, and constructive reviews are welcome!

Title: Sweet Temptation
Tags: [Slice of Life][Comedy]
Words: 999
Synopsis: Dinky Doo matches wits with a worthy muffin opponent.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u0tDE3qkpGUcjzIl8jgCeS64bRvgl32x5t8x8ZPKTEA/edit
Comments: This is the only part so far of an anthology. It was written for a d'aww fic contest with a 1k word limit. Normally, I'll throw contest rules to the wind once judging is complete, but for some reason, I want to keep the word limit for this one. As such, if there are places that you think will need more development, you'll need to find somewhere else to cut. This story predates the official use of "Derpy," hence my choice of "Ditzy Doo." Have fun!

Nicholas_Taylor requested.

I would like a quick, topical opinion about the fic I'm writing. I'm not asking for a review, just a general question about the direction in which I should take my story.

Now, given how early on in the story it is, I could either make it a fairly long adventure story, or a short slice-of-life/light drama story. The advantages to the former is that it would probably be a lot more interesting, and might be a much more substantial and satisfying story. Unfortunately, I fear that it is out of my league in terms of storytelling. Plus, I don't know if I could get enough material to make it such a long story. It would be very bad if I let the story drag on pointlessly, or even worse, wrote myself into a corner. As for the latter, it is definitely within my skill set, and I am almost certain I will have enough material. However, the story will probably be a lot more boring if I choose this route. I know I could finish it if I go this route, and playing it safe might help me out in this stage of my fanfic writing expertise. What do you think?

For some odd reason, my post on the queue is gone, so I'll just repost it.

Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 8: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bruv3U4xj-Zp57jDDegLZpWnQ8taxZKt75xfIqS5P-w/edit

Comments: I would prefer to have my review in-doc. English is not my primary language, so please be patient with me. I'm willing to learn and develop myself. I'm determined to get this somewhere. Also, please be nitpicky if possible.

>>104089
My bad. Didn't notice the new list.

Title: The Jewel of Reinsburg
Author: Dicepony
Email: [email protected]

Tags: Adventure! Romance!

Synopsis: When Rarity invited Applejack to spend a beautiful summer's day together, in order to talk to her about a personal and delicate matter, neither pony could have imagined it would be brought to an abrupt end by a Prince from the neighboring country of Saltlickenstein inviting Rarity to his magnificent jeweled city to commission her fashion skills.

The regal and charming Prince Lazuli sweeps Rarity and her friends off to his beautiful kingdom, but as things start to go horribly wrong for the unlikely friends it's up to Applejack to uncover and stop a sinister plot and stop a ruthless villain.

But can she do it in time to rescue the elegant purple-haired Unicorn? And can she face her fears of destroying their friendship forever for the sake of something even more special between the odd-couple?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28338/The-Jewel-of-Reinsburg

To Be Reviewed: As much as possible please...

Comments/Request:

Hello, I've never submitted anything here before and this is my first piece of FanFiction... I hope I've done this correctly (I've read the main sticky and introduction), sorry if I haven't! D:

This is a Adventure/Romance RariJack Fic. It's completely cheesy, think Disney Movie or Hollywood Blockbuster so if you prefer Dark or Sad stories this probably isn't going to be fun to read. XD.

It's 36,000 words but split into 7 chapters and an epilogue. I've done my best to edit numerous times and still have a lot to learn as a technical writer but I hope you can read and enjoy it.

Thank you!
~DP

>>103394
>pic because I really need to see that movie

First things first. Sorry about crashing your doc. It got to the point where making one comment meant getting prompted whether I wanted to stop the script or not, hence the abrupt stop in comments. Sooo... yeah. =\ just choose "Continue" for twice or thrice and you'll push through. I hope.

I'm impressed at how much you've improved generally, especially with show vs. tell. Kudos for that.

Even so, your descriptions could use some more work. Half of my gripes stem from bad word choice, and the other half stems from awkward sentences. You've done well in adding flesh to otherwise bare bone, but more flesh would be appreciated. I do like the extra info on the projects; it really did help in setting Kite's background and socioeconomic status.

Dialogue/sentence structure repetition: ["Dialogue," said X, "more dialogue."] sequences. This sandwich pops up a lot somewhere around the middle to the end, if I'm not mistaken. Comments go into more detail, but I'd have you pay attention to this from the start.

Kite's a lot easier to understand now, and Mulberry's pretty okay. There are a few moments when Citrus goes into puppet mode, doing things simply for the sake of doing it, but this was only at the end and can be remedied by adding actions/facial expressions that show her mood. Thunder's name, now that I come to think of it, is really, really simple. In fact they all are. It's a bit odd, since most pony names have two words. You may want to tone down Guise's(?) super-scarred bod to a few choice scars. That's just personal preference, because a full body of scratches tends to trigger Gary Stu alerts in readers.

I have mentioned that your idea has potential, and it does, but your ending left me dissatisfied. The world of strange magic and tampering is the deal-breaker for me, and it was a bit deflating to see that it wasn't there (yet). If you plan to send this to EqD, and we're just discussing ifs here, you'll need a couple more chapters to convince the pre-readers that you can deliver in terms of plot.

Hmmm. There's not much else I can say, really. I'm rather positive about how it's turned out so far, and I'm pleased as pie that you've taken my advice and gone much further with it. All in all, good show, and keep it up!

Also, because I lack confidence in my abilities + the suspicion that I've become biased in favour of this story, if you're bringing it back for round 3, or for later chapters, get a fresh pair of eyes.Guise. Hay. Hay Guise. Guise, look it this. Guise. Hay, hay Guise.Sorry, just had to do that. =|

Normal.

Hearth's Warming Eve has come once again, which means fun in the snow, warm food, and spending time with family. At least, that's what it means for most ponies. For Scootaloo it means a day off from crusading, loneliness, and the coldest night of the year. When Discord begins to whisper to her from his stone prison, she questions the beliefs held by many. What was so great about Harmony? What could be so bad about a world where chocolate milk fell from the sky?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21686/Discordant

Chapters 1 through 3.

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, or if I've done it incorrectly. This is my first time writing fanfic. I've submitted to EQD twice. Though it was better the second time, it still isn't quiet good enough. I'd really like help on grammar and show vs tell. I'm really hoping to get this up, but I'm not confident enough in my grammar skills to risk my third strike editing it all by myself. The EQD reader gave specific examples.

1. Ellipsis use: you use ellipses without adding a space afterwards. This is incorrect.
Example from your story: As for his magic...his magic...
Corrected: As for his magic... his magic...

2. Compound word use: some words that should really be hyphenated aren't.
Example from the story: leaving three Crusader shaped holes in the white powder.
Corrected: leaving three Crusader-shaped holes in the white powder.

3. Dialogue punctuation: when an attributed (he said, she asked, etc.) is included after the words spoken, the "said" or other such verb is not capitalized. Also, make sure that you're doing it like this:
"Blah blah blah," he said
and not like this:
"Words words words." he said.

Example from your story: “Uh-huh?” The cow-pony asked skeptically.
Corrected: “Uh-huh?” the cowpony asked skeptically.

Also in this area, you use one or two hyphens to denote cut-off speech. Use en or em dashes for this.

Example: "I don't know--"
Corrected: "I don't know—"

4. Possessive nouns: I think there was only one instance of this, but ensure that plural nouns are still plural when made possessive.
> She didn't know how to unlock the element's full power,
She didn't know how to unlock the elements' full power,

Also, continue to work on adding more description. You're still telling way more than you're showing, and it's bringing the story down to an extent.

Tags: [Sad]
Synopsis: Octavia contracts a rare disease and passes away, Will Vinyl be able to cope with her loss?

Links (Just a chapter for now):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oEQyDJVKbYW1fjZvJgUZBsBGFlgSYgldOQ2XtlFhLkg/edit

>>104126
>>104153
Please fill out a submission form as well (link at the top under "For writers:") so your story gets into our spreadsheet.

Looks useful. Filling out the form now.

>>104063

Well! A nice, short, simple piece for my first ever review. Hopefully I don't disappoint you.

To quote you, "Comments are in the doc."

Plot: Dinky Doo tries to get her birthday muffin, which seems to have taken on sentience, down from theshelf. Nice, simple plot, so there's nothing to really pick apart there. I honestly didn't find anything wrong with it, and adding more would probably make the story drag out. As it stands right now, I found the length to be perfect.

I did find your prose to be just a touch flowery at times. Nothing too severe, and I pointed out these instances in the doc. I also noted a couple instances in which a simpler word would have been better.

I also noted an instance in which Dinky's dialogue seemed too formal, but I suppose it depends on how mature she is in your head.

Finally, I think there needs to be a bit more body language between Dinky and Ditzy. Personally, I don't do plain lines of dialogue standing alone until after a few lines of it. Since you don't have many lines of dialogue to begin with, adding body language wouldn't be distracting or repetitive.

Overall, I enjoyed this fic. It was quite cute, and I liked how you gave the muffin a voice. The "Om nom nom" at the end sealed the deal for me.

Good job, and keep writing.

>>102854
I'm not claiming this one, as I'm not sure if I'll have time to continue what I've started, but I have started a review here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xZu5-CXHOORH8Zuh0WxleukHb1M4ggY0TvcnftNID-w/edit

I'm using a number of # marks to denote some relative level of importance to my comments. Five #'s means there's a technical error (typo, grammar mistake) that needs to be fixed. One # is just a comment or suggestion that can be safely ignored. Other comments are rated somewhere in between. If you see "<>" instead of #'s, that's just a comment with no suggestion for changes. This is so I can weight everything and hopefully make it easier for you to ignore or follow any advice I give with an easy conscious. :)

I put the comments in a copy of the GDoc, since I wasn't sure if and when I'd be able to follow through. Whether I do continue or not is also up to you, Arby Works—if you like how I review. :)

>>104160

Eep! Thank you for pointing that out, sorry for not filling in the Submission Form.

I have done so now (I think I did the Post URL bit correctly but not sure... D:

>>104153

I hereby claim this fic in the name of all that is TTG! And in the name of Spain!

Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.

Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1833WN-uj6E7Gn2_aeuKeSxo4v-s02U_qvAHTeqdRMdQ/edit


Chapters Requesting for Review: Chapter 7

Comments: Line-by-line would be appreciated. Looking for general editing advice and thoughts on character development in correlation to the canon. (Want feedback if the two characters of the Mane6 in the chapter are OOC or not.)

***Reading of previous chapters is not necessary for the feedback I'm seeking!***

Tags: Sad, (Tragedy?)

Synopsis: A terrible epidemic sweeps through Ponyville, causing all it touches to fall into an endless slumber. Twilight enters the land of the dreamers to save her friends and all of Ponyville from an unkind fate while Pinkie recalls the events leading up to now.

Links:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28704/1/Beyond-the-Dreamer%27s-Veil/Beyond-the-Dreamer%27s-Veil

Comments:
This is the first time I've actually written a fanfic, and I was kind of hoping for some general critique on the piece in general. I don't know what I do well or what I do poorly, and I was hoping for some recommendations on how to improve this piece and things I should watch out for if I try to write again. As a side note, I wanted to try and use as little dialogue as possible while writing this, just as a personal decision. (Sorry if the comments section was just supposed to be EqD prereader comments)

I have had some time to fine-tune my fanfiction, as well as to add a new chapter to it. I fixed many of the issues that my last reviewer, Fuliam (to whom I appreciate the input), suggested that I should fix. Although, he only commented on half of the prologue, so there may still be some issues there that I neglected. Anyway, I am putting up my fic for round two; I hope things go better this time.

Title: All Of Creation
Author: Ristar
Email: [See username]
Tags: Romance, Drama, Slice-of-Life, Gay
Chapters: Prologue, 1 (Unfinished)
Word Count: 2485

Synopsis: Seafoam, a weatherpony for the northern Bay of Hippocampus, engaged to his ever-absent fiancé Frostbite, an explorer for the crown. When Frostbite returns after one of his most promising voyages he has ever undertaken, the two take the time to reconcile the challenges of their long-distance relationship.


Request: If it isn't too much to ask, I would like to request a review from Professor Hugbox; his reviews are always thoughtful and comprehensive. (Also, I am terribly sorry for subjecting you to my last wreck of a fanfic. Please believe me when I promise you that this one will not be nearly as bad as the last.)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14JUvb2xxAaFOftQB5l_1cEp9t6Omh2lXvRt4fkqv978/edit

>>104145

Review acknowledged!

I'm just a real fan of the "X", said Y, "X" style of sentence. I do realise it's all over the place and I'm trying to work on that though.

Also what do you mean by:
"The world of strange magic and tampering is the deal-breaker for me"
Deal-breaker as in it's not a good story line? The whole cutie mark tampering thing is actually a very, very minor part of the story and is more how Kite actually gets drawn into the real story.

I've been working on the next chapter where the whole situation starts fleshing out but I agree that I should probably get another reviewer for it.

Anyway, cheerio for now.

Title: Beyond Her Tomb

Author: 2K Chrome

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Normal] [Adventure]

Synopsis: In a farm ponyville by the name of Marizona, Carrot Top is called to action from an old friend to be a miracle worker when the crops suddenly stop growing. The prejudiced and close-minded townsponies have grown hostile towards strangers -- and even towards themselves -- as a result from months dealing with a food shortage and the financial collapse of their ponyville that is now looming over their heads. Will the orange mare find a solution to save the ponyville? When worse comes to worst, will the friendship with her old friend hold, or will it perhaps grow into something more? Learn about the tale of Carrot Top and how she was able to live beyond her tomb.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21943/Beyond-Her-Tomb

Requests: Can I get some help for this story? It was reviewed once before and I would like to know if I actually fixed the errors.

I sent it to EqD and the pre-reader stated:

-Comma splice
He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing.

-Extraneous words
Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every single day

-Tense errors
The Equestria ponies in his once fairly prosperous ponyville of Marizona just can’t seem to grow their crops anymore.

-Dangling participle phrases
and not exactly being a Las Pegasus hotspot.

-Awkward phrasing
Fights were beginning to become common.
*Why not just "Fights were becoming common."?

-Leading participle phrase should refer to the subject of the sentence
Throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help, not one single bud grew from their magical sparks.

-Mid-dialogue action should be set off with dashes and no commas
“and Stormy,” holding up her right hoof, “back together.”
*"and Stormy"--holding up her right hoof--"back together."

I believe the errors the pre-reader mentioned were fixed, at least in the first paragraph.

>>104324
>"The world of strange magic and tampering is the deal-breaker for me"
Deal-breaker, as in whether this story is "okay" or "brilliant". I realize that "deal-breaker" is probably the wrong term to use. ;_; but yes, I do want to see more of the world underneath the smiles and rainbows and one true talents. Presenting such a world well will boost the sense of intrigue.

>>104324
>I'm just a real fan of the "X", said Y, "X" style of sentence. I do realise it's all over the place and I'm trying to work on that though.
I've been there. Here's a useful link: http://www.crayne.com/articles/Dialogue--How-to-Punctuate,-Use-Tags,-and-Vary-the-Structure-of-Your-Dialogue.pdf

>X verbed a noun. "Y"

>"Y"
>"Z"

Is it permitted for me to seek a review from one of the regular reviewers' thread while I have a fic in the queue?

>>104324
You can vary it up with:

>X scratched his/her ear. "Yeah, but what about. . ."
The speaker is heavily implied by the previous sentence.

>"I don't know..." X fidgeted, avoiding the other pony's eyes.
Same thing but after the dialogue, best used in a third or later line of back and forth dialogue so the reader reads it immediately as being X.

> X shouted, "Am I the only pony who's sane around here?"
Personally, and stylistically most would agree this kind should be used sparingly. Usually to put emphasis on a piece of dialogue, but it also has some great uses in comedy.

>"X speaks" "Y speaks" "X speaks"

At around 4 or 5 lines of straight back and forth dialogue, you want to remind the reader who's who. You want to make sure at the beginning that the speakers are clear as well. Also, you want to cut it out because by that point, before it gets old.

Using these, and varying the sentences around them from being rich with detail, or curt, should help you add variety.

>>104394
Yes, but please let it be known to the reviewer that you have requested a review elsewhere. This is so (I'm assuming) reviewers can decide which stories get top priority or if they want you to wait for your review from here, revise it, and get another review from them.

Don't come to my thread though, I'm horribly busy IRL. I end up reviewing things on my iPod while my parents go 'COME SWIM WITH US' and I go 'NO, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME 'BOUT THIS AND YOU KNOW I HAVE WORK TO DO'

Parents.

/EndUnnessecaryRant

>>104402
>But meeeeeeeeem, I have read about the poniiiiiies.