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File 133741410295.png - (1.06MB , 1800x1663 , overthinking_it.png )
103159 No. 103159
#Reviewer #The Training Grounds

Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran alike. It isn't the only such thread, but it's usually the busiest! (Previous edition of The Training Grounds; the sticky, which contains important information)

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Submission guide | TL/DR of the submission guide | A List of TTG regulars | Submission form | List of recently-finished reviews | Reviews in progress

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A guide to reviewing in TTG | List of unclaimed requests

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The full, current active queue | A guide to how it's all organized | Statistics and thread update BBCode

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We here on /fic/ pride ourselves in overthinking things, whether it's reviewing, writing, brainstorming or organizing this ship of fools and every wonderful thing that it produces. Part of the art of fanfiction is making mountains out of molehills, whether in matters of characterization, world building or exposition of subtleties and fridge horrors. If you think that little details aren't significant, you're in for a big surprise.

Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 103160
That always bothered me deeply during that episode how clear her wings were. No distortion at all.
>> No. 103170
I haven't looked at the gdoc yet but once I fully read what you posted here I'll give it a look.
Thank you for the review, I plan to put it to good use.
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/100769.html#103095
>> No. 103175
Author: ToastiestZombie

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Sad][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Ah can't remember much about that day. All I can remember is that ah wanted Winona to fetch a stick. With the help of a kind nurse I'll finally be able to remember what happened next.

Links:
Rewrite, and version I want reviewed.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uy5ZdKlMfxKWC11CP43M3YANchIVYpqwqUplsZ44nbE/edit

First version, read this to get more light on what the EQD pre reader is talking about.
http://mattawesome94.deviantart.com/#/d4yxysf

EQD pre reader comments on the first version of the story: There are a number of issues going on so I'll present them in summary form.

1) Comma mis-use. You're stringing them together. While this might be technically accurate, you can re-phrase and it will flow a lot better.
2) Telling vs. Showing. All of this is via Applejack's recollections. You can draw readers into the story by presenting the same information in dialogue format. As you present it, Applejack is old and bitter and dying of old age in a hospital bed. This is ripe for flashbacks... as you have done, but it could be done with Applejack talking to the others.
3) Strange plot. It seems the farm went to heck right after Granny Smith died with no real explanation. Applebloom simply became more sullen, Mac stopped smiling, and everything began falling apart.
4) Awkward phrasings. This can be worded quite a bit better.

What was about to happen had to happen, Winona’s suffering was about to end, leaving us in her wake.
5) OoC: Applejack. Even if she did have to put Winona down, she'd never leave her alone for a minute. She and that dog were inseparable.
6) (Provisionally) OoC: The rest of the 6. I can't imagine them not being there for her, as tight as they are. But there was no mention, which gave the impression that Applejack truly WAS alone.
7) OoC Applebloom. Unless something seriously bad happened between her and AJ in the intervening years, I can't imagine Applebloom would not be there at AJ's side.

This last one is more of a statement than anything else, but Winona has been dying a lot lately. These stories have got to shine in order to pull people in. I think yours can get there, but it's going to need a fair bit of work.

I hope to get a review soon, it will be of great help to me.
>> No. 103180
Posted this in the old thread, but I'll cross-post it here.

Long review is long: http://tinyurl.com/7965tge

The short version is that I loved the characters, not so much the way the thing is written.
>> No. 103219
File 133746341822.jpg - (315.14KB , 800x800 , 34172 - artist-kloudmutt bed bedmane bed_head celestia cute cutelestia luna sisters woona.jpg )
103219
Okay, Markarian, here's what's up. I ratcheted my pickiness way up for the purpose of making line-by-line comments on Brony. As a result, they're taking forever to complete. I'm almost through chapter two at the moment. So here's what I'm gonna do.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1my_OWPQt8mYvO_SoXG88tMF2TU9Zpx3PdWTON0ZDxxs/edit

I'll enter my notes for chapter one into the above google doc as soon as possible, and then I'll add my comments on the other two chapters as I complete working on them. Meanwhile, I'll give you the big impressions I got from your story, and my general advice, right now, so you can chew on the really important stuff for a while before we get down to the details.

And now, time to put on my :seriousface:

***

I want to start out by stressing that story reviews are not handed down from on high by seraphic reviewers who spend their time playing harps in golden mansions. Reviews, like stories, are products of thought and effort. Therefore the proper way to receive a review is thoughtfully and carefully. Uncritical acceptance of a reviewer's opinion is just as bad as thoughtless rejection. I have seen many instances in which a writer, tripping over himself to implement his reviewer's suggestions, will put far too little effort into crafting the revised text. The result is that the story is transformed from one which, despite the author's efforts, contains some errors, into one that just feels half-assed and schizophrenic.

Judging from your writing, however, I don't have any reason to think that you will be one of those authors. So I'm encouraged. But this is so important, that I feel like it bears endless repetition: think about my (or any reviewer's) suggestions, and recognize that the ultimate responsibility for making all the decisions about your story lies with you.

And don't try to make those decisions too quickly. Give your revisions the time and respect they deserve, so that your story can shine across Equestria!

Moving on. Your story (so far) is probably within the top 25% or so of all pony fanfiction in terms of quality, and probably within the top 5-10% of authors' first stories. It's also in the top 5-10% in terms of how well-written it is (meaning spelling, grammar, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc.) You do, in fact, have a pretty nice story here, and I think you must have at least suspected as much before now. My criticisms, therefore, are (for the most part) not with the sorts of obvious flaws that characterize amateurish fiction. So, you shouldn't let any of the negatives I'm about to point out trick you into thinking that your story isn't good. It is. Believe it.

***

The story is structured so that it doesn't skip anything, really. It shows just about everything that happens to Caleb, from the time the story begins, in a calm, paced manner. Further, the prose is quite even-handed, remaining stylistically similar throughout the story. These qualities heightened the immersion for me, by making the story-reading experience more like a moment-to-moment living experience. However, I still think there were some scenes that ought to have been sped up or skipped but weren't, and some places which needed a subtle stylistic shift but didn't receive one. In those places, the style felt cumbersome and inflexible, and was much more of a liability than an asset. At any rate, I also felt like I was being carried along by the stream of the story's narration in a sort of weird, passive way that some readers might not like, and to which I was largely indifferent.

Maybe that effect was also partly due to Caleb (the main character) being left largely a blank slate. Caleb doesn't actually do very much in this story; he gets led everywhere, first by fate and then by ponies. As a result, opportunities for you to characterize Caleb by his actions don't come around much. And you haven't done a whole lot of characterization by other means, either. I can't figure out if you intentionally made Caleb an indistinct character, in order to try to allow more readers to relate to him, or what. If that was your intention, then I think it's misguided, because it's one of the paradoxes of fiction that the more specific and idiosyncratic fictional characters are, the more sympathetic readers tend to find them. (I'm pretty sure this is because such characters tend to be vivid and easy to imagine, and thus light up in the reader's mind more brightly.)

As an illustration, let me describe myself as follows: I'm a male brony, a Christian, 20 years old, and I enjoy reviewing fanfiction. I like video games and music. I'm unemployed.

Am I a boring, generic brony, or what? But that's about equivalent to the sort of characterization you've given Caleb.

Now let me try to describe myself again, more interestingly: I spend about eight hours a day listening to music. My conscience constantly reminds me that wasting so much time is probably immoral, but I drown it out with more music. I've never had a job, and I'm insecure about that, because I feel like I'm mooching off my family's goodwill; so I'd like to have a job. But I also have long, messy hair and a ridiculous beard, neither of which I've cut since I started watching MLP in February of 2011. (I think of this non-cutting of hair as almost a religious sort of commitment.) I can't imagine anyone would hire me with the way I currently look, but I really don't want to cut my hair, because that would "break the commitment". I spend hours every day thinking about this issue. I drink the salty juice from olive jars and eat kiwis with the fuzzy skin on. I drink about a gallon of tea every day, and brush my teeth about once a month.

Isn't that a bit more interesting? It's less flattering, definitely, but I think I made myself seem like a living human being. Now, is there any good reason for keeping Caleb as generic as he currently is, rather than making him more vivid? There are a lot of opportunities for characterizing him. For example, you made Caleb know about the symptoms of hypothermia. Why not give him an interest in some related field that could explain that knowledge? Such knowledge could even come into the plot of the story later on, if you desired it to.

I don't think that this is really just a matter of "making the character more interesting". It's more than that. A character's experiences, attitudes, and interests will literally shape the entire way he sees the world around him. Consider this scene from Brony:

***

>But Caleb didn’t answer. His gaze was drifting skyward as he heard a rushing of air far above his head. Some of the remaining clouds that had remained from the evening chill were moving seemingly on their own accord, away from the town. And as the clouds parted to let in more light upon the village, he saw the slowly beating wings of the brown pegasus, silhouetted momentarily against the brilliant sun before the winged horse streaked away toward the next patch of clouds.

>“Oh, my God,” Caleb softly whispered. He had stopped walking, staring upward. He was awestruck, his breath was caught in his throat. Now another flying equine joined the first, and then another, and another.

>The white pony’s eyes followed Caleb’s toward the sky, watching the beginnings of tears welling up in the man’s eyes.

***

Reading this scene, I can learn that something about Caleb makes him particularly emotionally vulnerable to the sight of pegasi moving the clouds. But exactly what is that? Just "his brony-ness"? But that's not true-to-life. (People become bronies for personal reasons, not just because MAGIC.)

For example: Personally, I think the concept of pegasi moving the clouds is incredibly reminiscent of the traditional Christian depiction of angels. And the strongest mental images I have of pegasi are from the video of the Winter Wrap Up song. The "Winter Wrap Up" symbolises Baptism, and all that jazz, to me; the coming of spring symbolises hope, purity, and regeneration, as a sort of counter-argument to Eliot's The Waste Land (which I memorized in a depressed obsession a few years back); and the combination of the singing and lyrics hits me hard in several very sensitive spots, which all have their explanations and roots in other experiences I've had and desires I've cherished.

So when Caleb said, "Oh, my God," I was right there with him, and I felt like I would have said exactly the same thing, and that it was exactly the right thing to say.

But that's not quite the same as knowing why Caleb would say it, now is it? Because I'm not Caleb. And I don't want to be Caleb, and I shouldn't have to be Caleb in order to enjoy Caleb's story.

Anyway, if you want to see just how indistinct Caleb is, read over the hospital scene in Chapter 2. In that scene, it's very difficult to distinguish different voices for Lily, Nurse Redheart, and Caleb. That conversation basically sounds like a conversation that might take place between me and my imaginary friends, where I know the outcome of the conversation far ahead of time but feel obligated to at least symbolically imitate real dialogue.

Which brings me around to dialogue... actually, my main complaint with respect to dialogue is what I just said. A lot of the dialogue feels like an imitation of real dialogue, created more to satisfy propriety than to tell a story. For one thing, many of the character voices are too similar, as I mentioned. For another, real dialogue is always at least moderately surprising. The biggest reason people ever talk to each other is to hear something that they couldn't have predicted they'd hear. But in Brony, the written dialogue remains almost entirely "safe"—in that it contains 'no alarms and no surprises.' And, as a reader it feels vaguely like you're giving me 'a handshake of carbon monoxide' with this sort of dialogue.

To put it another way: Human-in-Equestria is a genre which is renowned for its authors' seemingly endless capacity to indulge in boring, selfish wish-fulfillment. You've avoided that soul-killing trap, mostly; but out of all the elements of Brony, your dialogue comes closest to being typical of HiE stories.

Next, I guess I'll mention your style. I'll have a lot more to say about this in the line-by-line, so a summary should suffice here.

You abuse these words a bit: "the," "so," "well," "really," "immediately," "though," "at least," "already," "again," "obviously." I don't mean that you use them too often. I mean the way you tend to use them detracts from the beauty and vigor of the prose.

Some of those words, well, you sort of use them to attempt to make statements less, um, straightforward than they could otherwise be perceived as being... I mean that you're watering down your words. You're making strong sentences weak. You're making statements of fact seem tentative. You're leaving your characters spineless.

Also, you're very fond of sentences of the form "Subject verbed, verbing." Naturally, you've committed some barbarisms with those sorts of sentences. But you seem to also tend toward long sentences in general. This confounded me in places. I found quite a few XXL sentences which would have worked better if you had chopped them in two, or even amputated a clause or two from them.

Try to keep in mind that long sentences force the reader to slow down. But bad stories are generally more entertaining when you read them faster. (Proof? I knocked out Past Sins in a single sitting, and I considered it a great read.) My point? Most fanfiction is bad. So most fanfiction readers will default to reading quickly. When readers try to read long sentences quickly, though, their comprehension suffers. So, you should at least try not to bury any important plot information at the end of a lunker—there's every possibility your readers could skim right over it.

I noticed that your paragraphs, especially in the first chapter, were of an unusually uniform length. I got a vague, cynical feeling that in certain paragraphs, you only kept writing in order to reach the 4-5 sentence standard paragraph length, no matter whether the subject matter of the paragraph actually called for more or less.

In a related note, your depiction of the passage of time left something to be desired. I have no idea how long Caleb lay in the icy stream before getting up; I figure it was either around 5 minutes or around 2 hours. Also, when Caleb is on the bus: he's on there for quite a while, right? But that fact isn't acknowledged by (for example) making the paragraph where he's on the bus a little bit longer than the surrounding paragraphs. It seemed to me like a perfect opportunity to go a little more in-depth on Caleb's character. But then the bus ride ends abrubtly, and I'm left feeling like the ride only took minutes, even though I know it took much longer.

Your depiction of spatial details was quite a bit better than your temporal details. The only point at which I really felt disoriented was during the car crash scene. I couldn't figure out exactly how Caleb's body was positioned against the car, and I couldn't figure out how fast the car was going, either. (I'm thinking it was going really slow.)

Now what, now what... structure. This relates to conflict, too. Chapter One was structured admirably. Caleb had several problems, they overlapped and interacted in interesting ways (Caleb didn't want to go to the hospital if he could avoid it, because it would financially break him? Brilliant!), it began with a great hook (the stupid Christian woman on the phone was hilarious) and ended dripping with potential and making me really interested.

But after that? I'm going to call what your chapters 2 and 3 have, "one-problem-at-a-time syndrome." In chapter 2, Caleb and Lily meet, they walk, they're at the hospital, they walk, they're at the Apples' farm, and Caleb falls asleep. No one section of the chapter has any larger conflict than "We need to get to the next section of this chapter!" It's like Caleb and Lily are playing Super Mario Land. They play through World 1-1... in order to get to World 1-2. And so on. You really needed to introduce the main conflict of the story with Chapter 2, at least in an outline clear enough to give the reader something to look forward to. You mentioned the Summer Sun Celebration being two days away; I assume that it will come into the story. But you only mentioned it once, in passing. So even though my personal favorite scene in all of MLP:FiM is the scene in "Cutie Mark Chronicles" where Celestia raises the sun, I'm still not able to really feel any anticipation about seeing the Summer Sun Celebration in your story, because you put zero emphasis on it. And so on. The only reason chapter 2 succeeded in making me anticipate chapter 3 was the sentence at the end:

> Meanwhile, all of Ponyville was abuzz with the news of the strange, half-dead creature who had befriended Lily Lace.

I'm not opposed to starting off a story slowly and building up, but with this line, you sort of promised a ratcheting-up of the plot in chapter 3—something to raise the stakes, and raise readers' interests. Instead? Chapter 3 is just more point-A-to-point-B motion, but instead of physical motion, it's Caleb's relationship with the Apple family that moves. And here's the thing: you introduced no new plot elements in chapter 3. Nothing to raise my interest and keep me wanting more. You just slapped the promise of Twilight Sparkle onto the end of the otherwise self-contained chapter. And at this point, I'm starting to see a pattern, and my cynicism sets in: "This author is just going to keep writing simple story parts for every single chapter, and slap cheap lures onto the ends of them, as a substitute for establishing an immersive, satisfying plotline! I have no reason to think that this story is going to get any better than it already is! What a bust!"

Have you read the first chapter of "Background Pony" by short_skirts_and_explosions? It's an example of the sort of complex, interesting plot that I'm really hoping to eventually see from Brony. (My knowledge of pony fanfiction is sadly limited, so that's the only decent example I have to give.)

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty clueless as to where the story is going to go next. I have nothing to anticipate except Twilight Sparkle and maybe the Summer Sun Celebration. Your synopsis doesn't sound anything like Brony so far, so I assume there'll be a twist soon, which is something I have to look forward to, at least. I'm also kind of wondering how these chapters are going to tie in with the rest of the story. The first three chapters feel a bit like a visual essay about how much better and cooler Equestria is than the real world. Honestly, I'm cool with that theme, but your synopsis seems to undercut the entire notion. Surely you're not going to cynically twist some aspect of Equestria to make it out to be a horrible place? These first chapters just seem too... sincere, for that to happen.

...Hmm. Well, at any rate, color me puzzled. I think you should find some useless scenes (or hell, random weak lines or fluffy bits of dialogue work just as well) in these first three chapters—scenes which just aren't pulling their weight in terms of adding meaning to the narrative—and re-write them to include some hints as to the bigger plot. You don't need to change the tone or theme. Just include some stuff that will be interesting, by giving the reader things to look forward to, things to speculate and wonder about. A good scene to start with might be the hospital scene in chapter 2. (What exactly does that scene do, anyway, besides putting some bandages on Caleb? It accomplishes next to nothing in terms of characterization, and only minimally moves the plot along. I initially considered advising you to omit it altogether, and replace it with a quick summary of its events.)

Okay, what next... I guess that's about it, for now. If I think of anything I forgot to say, I'll put it in the google doc I linked above. Oh yeah! I think you should consider putting some section breaks within your chapters. I think section breaks look neat, and your story occasionally lends itself to them (though if you end up changing it a lot to make the plot more complex, that might not remain the case). Your choice, though.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm out. I hope my thoughts were worth the wait. I'll try to type up some DLC into that google doc for you pretty quickly, though with my time management, who knows how that'll go.
>> No. 103223
Okay, all you lovely people of TTG. I have a slightly odd request. I'd like for some young enterprising reviewer to read my whole story up to this point, a prologue and three chapters, each at about 3,000 words. By all means, point out any grammar errors or whatnot, but what I'm really after is how is it? I just got strike two from EqD, and I get this nagging feeling that even if I fix every grammar derp, they won't let me in because of the subject material. It's a HiE about a serial killer and the cop who's chasing him. I don't think they'd reject based on that alone, but because the story isn't good enough to overlook the whole "Grimdark AND HiE" stigma. So, please read, edit what you wish, but my main request is, do you like it?

Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake the Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Human
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his way into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the blood begins to spill, it's up to the Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit
>> No. 103225
File 133746764086.jpg - (36.88KB , 285x253 , AzuNyan39.jpg )
103225
>>103175
Hey, would you mind telling me what the word-count of your fic is? I can't seem to find it in the queue.
>> No. 103226
>>103175

Oh and this >>103225 is a claim, so long as it isn't over 8k.
>> No. 103228
>>103175
>>103225
>>103226
Dude. Fill out the submission form. Link's at the top of the page, under "For writers:"
>> No. 103234
File 133747388367.png - (360.98KB , 1600x1491 , Excitement.png )
103234
Ive always loved reading fanfiction and the sort and its only today that i bucked up and decided to write my own.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27134/And-thats-how-Equestria-was-made!

From what ive been told its really rather good but id like some more thoughts/comments/concers

>and anybody who finds grammar/spelling/etc. mistakes would be wonderful
>> No. 103237
>>103234
If you're interested in somepony reviewing your story, you need to fill out the submission form. It's under the "For writers:" heading.
>> No. 103239
File 133747615804.png - (399.52KB , 759x672 , Fabulous2.png )
103239
>>103237
Oh yes, terribly sorry. Hvant exactly done this sort of thing before.
>> No. 103242
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103242
>>103175
Okay, I made some doc comments. But I can't finish this, it's so bad.

THOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REWRITE THE WHOLE STORY!

Start a new doc. Now by writing the whole thing as a flash-back, you unintentionally spoil the ending. So open the fic with Apple Bloom starting her day, but not the exact moment that she wakes up. Then write everything in chronological order as they happen.

And don't have your character crying their eyes out. It's just depressing; no, that's not the same thing as [sad]. Subtlety is key.
>> No. 103248
Could I please get a reviewer? I understand that people may be busy with exams and work stuff, but it's just that I've been waiting a week and a half for a claim now while others have been answered in a matter of hours. The original claim is here >>101425
>> No. 103249
>>103248
Put the whole thing into a single google docs and you have a deal.
>> No. 103251
>>103249

Every chapter in one document? Alright, i'll see what I can do.
>> No. 103253
>>101425
>>103248

I don't like when people repeatedly bump requests, so you'll get what amounts to a vindictive review from me.
Review will be done when I get sick of reading your story, so from early indications, it will probably be pretty soon.

While you wait, you can start by fixing these. Explanations can be found here. http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/explanations

now." he | Capitalisation error
anywhere." the | Capitalisation error
anywhere." he | Capitalisation error
Celric. another | Capitalisation error
door." he | Capitalisation error
head. "You | You have an extra space here
risks." his | Capitalisation error
way." he | Capitalisation error
tone. "It's | You have an extra space here
there." he | Capitalisation error
route." she | Capitalisation error
books." she | Capitalisation error
mumbled as | You have an extra space here
it. Reaching | You have an extra space here
fine." he | Capitalisation error
wall. "how | Capitalisation error
solved." he | Capitalisation error
did." he | Capitalisation error
way." he | Capitalisation error
slowly. "Fine | You have an extra space here
her."his | Space following punctuation
hadn't accomplished | You have an extra space here
sound was | You have an extra space here
home." whispered | Capitalisation error
here." he | Capitalisation error
scrap." growled | Capitalisation error
nonchalantly."I | Space following punctuation
that." quickly | Capitalisation error
friend." the | Capitalisation error
that." the | Capitalisation error
anywhere." she | Capitalisation error
I?" The question came crashing | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
pony?" Farlon stuttered nervously. | Check this: You change tenses here
reward." Celric pleaded. | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
awake!" He stuttered, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
are." Farlon finished, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
arts." Farlon's younger self questioned | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
critical." Farlon groaned exasperatedly. | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
secrets." Farlon replied disappointedly. | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
>> No. 103254
>>103253

I guess this is where I apologize... Sorry. Things have been a bit hard for me lately, and I jumped the gun. Please be merciful.
>> No. 103255
>>103242
Wait what, this must be a troll review. How can you come to the conclusion that this is about Applebloom, since this is Applejack with a nurse (not Redheart, I never said that). The nurse is reading her memoirs, it's not a flashback. Did you even read this to the end, because if you do you'll know why it has to be a flashback. Seriously, constructive critisicm is good and all. But saying "THIS IS NOT SAD" and "THIS IS SO BAD" without any indication as to why does not good review make! I'm going to go ask another reviewer to do this, because I'm not going to rewrite this again until I know if it's good or not from a reviewer who actually reads it.
>> No. 103256
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103256
>>103253
>>103254
Oh, this is going to be simply delicious.
>> No. 103258
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103258
>>103255
And have you considered that their confusion may stem from you not adaquetely describing the setting in your story? It can be difficult to discern whether your meal is pâté or poulette when it has been mashed and burnt beyond all recognition, after all.

Very well, you shall recieve my... help... for your second opinion.
Pray it is not your last.
>> No. 103259
>>103258
I think I'm gonna like you. But try not to be so dumb whilst reading it, because even my friend who can't speak good english can get what's happening. Also, can you read the whole thing. Because a lot of his points are simply there because he's making assumptions, something even I know you don't do in reviewing.
>> No. 103260
File 133748993231.jpg - (59.53KB , 725x631 , AzuNyan16.jpg )
103260
>>103255
Okay, first I'd like to apologize. I felt like horse manure when I wrote that... because I had to read your story.

Let me show you how to write a [sad] fic.

This is sad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2bk_9T482g

And this is your fic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMaAiAUX2xg

Notice how you never actually see any one crying in the first one. Granted it isn't as sad as some fics I've read, but you get the idea.

Okay, it's her memoirs. That still unintentionally spoils the ending. IT RUINS THE ENTIRE STORY

And yes I know it's Applejack's story. But it would be better to start in Apple Bloom's head, then write X number of words about Applejack worrying about her while they bury Granny Smith, and so on.


If you want another review, I guess I can't stop you. But at the end of the day, if you just polish polish polish, then the best you're going to have is a shiny piece of dirt.
>> No. 103261
File 133749015655.jpg - (316.35KB , 1295x575 , Ego-anton-ego-14471062-1295-575[1].jpg )
103261
>>103259
You are not going to "like" me, unless you happen to be a literary maschoist, in which case your enjoyment will be most unsettling for me. I, for one, certainly cannot think of any reason why having one of señor Gusteau's boiling-hot tasquitos rammed down your throat would be fulfilling in the least.

I will read as far as I care to read. If your story falls on its face at the starting block, you can be rest assured I will do my best to make its ugly impression in the mud as permanent as possible, so as to serve a suitable warning to others that might deign to waste a reviewer's time. Do not presume to make demands of me.
>> No. 103262
>>103260
May I ask, do you even know what the ending is going to be? Because I'm pretty sure there's nothing in those first few paragraphs that tell you what's going to happen. All we know from the fact that it's Applejack's memoirs and it's seventy-seven years in the future is the fact that she survives the story. Also, I never said the nurse was nurse redheart, so why do you immediately think it's her. I admit, I should cut a lot of the parts where they cry and replace them with more poignant actions, leaving the real crying to the end where shit gets real.
>> No. 103263
>>103253
Autorveiw chokes hard on dialog. If copypasting without verifying the erors still seems like a good idea to you, then remove the dialogue attributin erros form your list in the future.
>> No. 103264
>>103263
>I?" The question came crashing | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
>pony?" Farlon stuttered nervously. | Check this: You change tenses here
>awake!" He stuttered, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error
>are." Farlon finished, | Check this: Dialogue attribution should not be capitalised or period error

These four are the only lines I saw that actually might be errors with the program, and that's because the quotes are out of context. Elaborate at >>102154, if you will?
>> No. 103265
>>103262
>All we know from the fact that it's Applejack's memoirs and it's seventy-seven years in the future is the fact that she survives the story.

>she survives the story.

See, you even know that you spoiled your story.
>> No. 103267
>>103265
That's only a minor part though. Do you know what's going to happen at the END of the fic, the details. Not just the fact that Applejack doesn't die at the end of the memoirs.
>> No. 103268
File 133749166920.png - (52.03KB , 389x541 , DA_Llama_Level_Up_by_Nigasuchan.png )
103268
>>103259
Llama sees where this is headed and Llikes it... Llet the games begin!
pLlease Ion, try to be a LlittLle gentLle with the newfoaLl... what is Llama saying, run newfoaLl run!
>> No. 103269
>>103267
Yeah I know darn well that the dog is going to die, BECAUSE THOU TOLD IT AS A FLASHBACK!

For something this done-to-death to work, it needs to be a surprise.
>> No. 103270
File 133749190629.jpg - (1.38MB , 3150x2100 , me and my chill hat.jpg )
103270
>>103259
>>103260
>>103261
>>103262
>>103265
>>103267

Hey bros. You bros should ask yourselves what's your life like. Open your eyes, so you might see others' points of view. There's not a thing more pure or natural than wanting to win at writing good fanfiction. But don't try to find slights and slurs to employ. Be more chill[wave]. Coolness is having courage to do what's right. Just slow it down, and it'll be clear that it's what people don't say, that's what counts. Just give each other the space you need, and you might just find that you're alright.

And know you can count on me. Because I never will, never will stop caring. May the chill be with you, bros.
>> No. 103271
>>103269
This idea hasn't been done to death. Name two fanfics that are about Winona dying.
>> No. 103272
What... just happened?
>> No. 103273
File 133749216380.jpg - (34.21KB , 399x290 , _1xz.jpg )
103273
PSA: You don't need eight people sitting in the document watching a review happen.
>> No. 103274
>>103272
You don't want to know what just happened.
>> No. 103275
>>103271
Old Yeller and Marley and Me.

Yeah, I know they aren't pony fics; it doesn't matter. It's still obvious what's going to happen from the first time you mention Winona.
>> No. 103277
>>103275
Well it's really hard to disguise what's going to happen. Since well, you've got the [sad] tag, so you know something sad's going to happen. There really hasn't been a sad fanfiction that hasn't spoiled that someone's going to die. For example: Bittersweet is about Pinkie Pie's diabetes, we know she's going to die because that's the only logical conclusion.
>> No. 103278
>>103277
I've read plenty of [sad] fics where no pony dies.

It's just that it's so obvious that Winona is going to kick the bucket. Make it a surprise. If you start the fic where I suggested, it will be a surprise.

Well, not anymore...
>> No. 103279
>>103278
I just don't see how starting it with a rather minor plot point will make it any better. This is the story of Applejack and Winona sharing their final moments, not of Granny Smith's death.
>> No. 103280
>>103279
The death of Granny Smith shouldn't be a minor plot point! It's serious business.

Have Applejack be really worried about her sister. Then when she returns, we think everything fine and dandy; then start hinting that something's wrong with Winona.
>> No. 103281
File 133749424864.jpg - (30.78KB , 500x356 , Spiderman-I see your point.jpg )
103281
>>103280 I shall consider doing a rewrite then. See, when you elaborate on your points we get on well. Just making points like that makes me think you're stupid and making assumptions. I'm going to wait for Sturm's review, then I shall go do something about this.
>> No. 103282
File 133749438659.jpg - (21.16KB , 398x266 , me getting rid of the more conservative habits of my mind.jpg )
103282
>>103234

So hey, I just had a brilliant breakthrough in my meditation.

I realized that WE could review stories.

Whoa.

Like, bro.

I was overwhelmed. I knew I wasn't ready for it. "But then," I asked myself, "Ever I could be?"

I asked Avey what he thought, and he said I "should just go down there and pullhair and rub eyes". He's such a bro. He always supports me.

So I'll use my mind and I'll use my hand to review this story, and not worry about what's in my way, because you gotta have it to get over it. Now, this story looks pretty psychedelic... but I'm going to try and review it without taking pills.

No matter what it takes, Pinkieponders, I will not give up on you.
>> No. 103283
>>103279
>>103280
And the preceding endless litany of posts.

If you two want to carry on a conversation, then do it by email, PM in IRC, or whatever else you like. In any case, you've already eaten up about 5% of the number of posts we get before autosaging without making any discernible progress.

ToastiestZombie, I apologize for the number of people who went into your document. I'm a mod in the channel all those people connected from. I asked them to act responsibly, but unfortunately many didn't, and I have no way of telling who was who, so I couldn't take action against individuals.
>> No. 103284
>>103283
I shall have a chat with Sturm and Azu in the IRC. Sorry, but I do get carried away with conversations very often. Sorry if it's annoyed you.
>> No. 103285
>>103254
Just a heads up. I left a possible reason for the capitalisation flags out of the descriptions. When it says you have a capitalisation error and there is a quotation mark, in many of the cases, this is flagging where the quote should end with a comma instead of a full stop. I've added the description and updated, so it should reflect those now. If you've already made the changes, you can just run it through again and it'll flag the errors in the dialogue attribution section instead of the capitalisation section. My apologies if you've already attempted to fix them.

As for the review, I've finished line-by-line comments on the prologue and part of the first chapter, and am sensing a switch to general impressions coming up, so it should show up fairly soon.

>>103256
It won't be that interesting. For me, vindictive consists of turning off the filter that makes me spend time trying to figure out the way to say something without hurting the authors feelings. It might be more blunt than normal, but I'm too pragmatic for it to be that interesting.

>>103263
If you find places where you believe the program is incorrect, I would greatly appreciate having them pointed out, so I can make efforts to fix them. However, please take them to the appropriate thread >>102154 as Filler mentioned.
The general point you made is entirely valid and I agree that authors should check each point that autoreview flags. That's why I included the "Check this" at the beginning of most assertions.
Also, in the future, especially when you are calling someone out for not checking their post, take a moment to check your own post. You made a valid point, but having an unchecked post just undermines your credibility.
>> No. 103286
File 133749600067.jpg - (33.33KB , 1000x427 , pixar30[1].jpg )
103286
>>103175
Like a faucet with a rotting stopper, your story spurts and sputters. Sentences that could be easily linked by a comma, thereby improving flow, abound.

Unfortunately for you, my eyes suffer no such leakage and remain as dry as my wit. While such emotional pandering might affect the drooling masses that populate FimFiction, you will find me to be largely immune to it.

The writing is bland like an unfrosted vanilla cake, assuming one were to discreetly switch the sugar with a suitably bitter substitue. You sprinkle pretty words about, but its presentation is still lacklustre. Then, instead of letting us try a piece for ourselves, you tell us how it's supposed to taste. In laymen's terms (and I shall probably be given a high-velocity custard pie to taste for using this "buzzword"), you tell too much and show too little.

Granted, this is supposedly her memoirs, but that raises more questions than it answers. For example, I find it difficult to see Applejack writing this way. She is a simple mare (and I mean this in the way that she's unfettered by such trivialities like flair and presentation, not that she's mentally deficent) and, as such, should have a similarly simple style.

A rotten egg, in the form of a numeral, would appear to have slipped by your quality assurance team. Numerals should never be used unless it's in regards to a time or some other special reason. It has been marked for termination in-document for your convenience.

Another assualt upon my heartstrings, yet the only thing you've managed to pluck is my ire. You cover Rainbow Dash's "battle" with cancer so quickly that it might as well have not been in there, a passing mention in a whirlwind of crocodile tears.

And then Twilight bought the farm, and not in the aggressive-acquisition sort of way, either.

You use "lay" when "laid" is the proper term. Study up on them.

Tears, tears, everywhere, and not a drop I spill. Your characters seem like they should have practically drowned in the sea they've made for themselves by now.

>Rarity with alzheimer's
It's almost as if you want to torture the main six with misfortune.


Gonna stop here. The story is just an extended string of "This is sad, so you should feel sad, too." I can't think of the last story that so blatantly tried to abuse the reader's empathy since My Little Dashie.


You.
You will read this.
See what a truly talanted writer does with memoirs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6765594/1/Tales
>> No. 103291
File 133750212681.png - (376.35KB , 613x613 , 133384228561.png )
103291
As is customary for a review of writing that ends up here with pre-reader comments, I'll attempt to explain and clarify the prereader comments, to put them into perspective and give you more to work with.

The first thing I noticed was that more than one of the prereader comments applied to the first paragraph. Here's why: it's terrible. I don't say this lightly, and I do not mean to belittle you as a writer in this statement, but I mean to convey to you the importance of making a good first impression, and how you appear to have neglected your writing in this regard. The paragraph:

> Stormy Acacia laid wearily on his back atop the rain clouds, quietly listening to the drops of his own work fall aimlessly to the ground below. True, cumulonimbus clouds weren’t exactly the most comfortable clouds, but at this point, he didn’t really care much. He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing. It was more of a mental fatigue. Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every day, only to unappreciatively scold them later, accusing the rain of being “tainted”. He and the others on the weather team retrieved their rain clouds from the same place as all the other towns in Equestria; the great city of Cloudsdale. The only way their rain would be “tainted” was if everywhere else in Equestria was experiencing the same problems as where he was, and he certainly hoped not. A famine that consumed all of Equestria? Acacia’s stomach grumbled just at the thought of it.
There are many errors and stylistic shortcomings in this paragraph. To break it down:

> Stormy Acacia laid wearily on his back atop the rain clouds
Laid is past tense of lay, which is transitive. This means something is doing something to something else, i.e. “he laid the device down on the table and went outside.”

> True...much.
This reads less like prose and more like casual explanation/argument for the behavior of Stormy Acacia. It doesn’t exactly flow like prose, especially due to the way it begins with “true” — which is a manner of informal speech in the narrative, or ISN as I call it. Unless you’re Tolkien or Caroll and writing an epic children’s book, or you’re at least making effort to do this deliberately and consistently to an end (i.e. for a specific purpose in the tone of the story) the narrator is not supposed to be getting chummy with the reader like this.

> He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing.
This sentence is more than a comma splice (in fact, it’s not even a comma splice in the traditional sense); it is a head-on collision between two independent clauses, which should either be each their own sentence, or connected properly with a conjunction. What I believe has happened here is that you modeled this sentence after how it would sound if you tried to speak it naturally — and yet, it would still be incorrect if spoken. That’s because without more than a paltry breathless pause between the first clause here and the rest of the sentence, there’s no indication that they’re each in their own sentence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He02Z5YdZbg

Secondly, “isn’t” is a breach of tense (present tense in a past-tense narrative). One could argue that such statements in narration are valid because they refer to general/timeless facts about the world. Personally, I could care less about this technicality; it’s still an ugly hack that gets you the proper meaning at the cost of making your writing appear more amateurish.

Finally, what is the goal of this sentence? What does it even add, if anything, to the character, to the plot, to the action, etc? All I can see in it is an empty and subjective statement about the level of difficulty associated with a mundane pegasus task. Furthermore, why use a negative (“wasn’t physically tired”) to convey what you could say with a simple, straightforward statement about how he actually was feeling, and what manner of fatigue he was under? Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.

> It was more of a mental fatigue.
Again, you have informal speech in the narrative. You are writing this exposition and description in a casual manner unbefitting to a narrator.

> Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every day, only to unappreciatively scold them later, accusing the rain of being “tainted”.
The extraneous word here is ”to”, because its presence renders incorrect your use of the word “insist.” It is set up to be transitive, but the object (what exactly the ponies below are insisting) is not constructed as a noun clause. By including “to” you are attempting to use it like the somewhat similar verb “convince”, which is naturally transitive, and actually requires using the word “to” or “that” in order to associate it with the piece of information that the convinced party is being convinced of. You wouldn’t insist someone to something the way you would convince someone to something because the object of insist in the transitive context cannot be a person, but must be the demanded notion or set of circumstances. In shorter words: you misused the word “insist.”

Apart from that, this is a cumbersome sentence, and I would call it a run-on; everything after “below” is just one colossal gerund phrase.

> He and the others on the weather team retrieved their rain clouds from the same place as all the other towns in Equestria; the great city of Cloudsdale.
This is improper use of a semicolon; here, a colon would be correct. Semicolons are for distinguishing independent clauses, as I have just demonstrated.
> The only way their rain would be “tainted” was if everywhere else in Equestria was experiencing the same problems as where he was, and he certainly hoped not.
The second “was” needs to be “were,” because it’s a conditional statement.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conditional.htm

On the plus side, you have established a decent plot hook five sentences in, but as pointed out, your execution is riddled with errors and severely lackluster.

> Marizona wasn’t exactly like a Las Pegasus hotspot, meaning not too many ponies came there; the town being several miles away from every other town.
Improper semicolon use. What follows it should be an independent clause, but it’s a gerund phrase. Fix it by changing “being” to “was”.

> Throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help, not one single bud grew from the magical sparks.
Allow me to explain the prereaders’ comments on this sentence in a way you’ll understand: who was throwing the spells? That is the subject of the sentence, and it is what the participle phrase should be associated with. In this sentence here, the only subject is the negative noun article “not one single bud”. Is that what you were trying to say? That not one single bud was throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help? Thus your sentence is incorrect and ambiguous. I believe you would benefit from a refresher on the basics of sentence composition:
http://www.towson.edu/ows/sentelmt.htm

I’m reluctant to go on. I honestly want to like this story, I really do, because it has a fascinating and intriguing premise that’s well off the beaten path of most MLP fanfiction clichés. However, it is too heavily-laden with grammatical errors and awkward sentence structure for me to enjoy it or take it seriously. I do hope you make effort to apply scrutiny to it and clean it up, and that you continue writing.
>> No. 103293
>>103219

Thank you so much for this incredibly valuable feedback. You've given me a tremendous amount to think about, and. I'll admit that after reading your review, a lot of these were problems I was subconsiously aware, I suppose. I'm really looking forward to reading your line by line and id love to hear your thoughts on the story as it progresses. Again, thank you very and the review was well worth the wait.

-Markarian
>> No. 103301
File 133750368091.png - (269.88KB , 640x360 , zecora_stinkeye.png )
103301
>>103253
>>101425

Yeah, this isn't much of a bite to back up the bark. Let's just go with I was fairly lenient about the whole thing.

Just at first sight, your chapters are extremely short, which means you are probably pacing them too fast and just telling a lot. Either that or cutting them off before they should be. But we'll see.

Your prologue reads like an encyclopaedia, especially the first parts. While you are getting across history, this is going to be the first thing your readers encounter and will probably scare a lot of them away.

Also, your character's name is Celric not a pony name Valiant Mary Sue detectors at full power Mustang A last name following in the footsteps of illustrious characters Rarity Unicorn, Spike Dragon, and Zecora Zebra. If he's supposed to be a revolutionary archaeologist, give him a name related to his special talent archaeology, like every other pony in Equestria.

>of Archeology
Shouldn't be capitalised. You wouldn't say field of mathematics or field of physics.

>Known throughout the land as a pioneer in the field of Archeology, his work and findings revolutionized history for the kingdom; lost civilizations, relics thought of as nothing but ponytales, nothing was left buried in the sands of time by him and his famous team of researchers.
This sentence is horrifying. The semicolon is probably used incorrectly, but the structure is so convoluted that I can't actually tell, which means that it is irrelevant. To top it off, you have unnecessary passive voice that puts the focus on the things rather the character. Rewrite this, and put it into at least two sentences.

>While his family home was comforting and spacious
What does this have to do with anything? Answer: It doesn't. There's no point to including this.

Going along with the previous comment, you seem to include unnecessary personal details in your block of history. Not only does this add extra mass to your giant infodump at the beginning of the story, but it ruins the possibility of readers taking the prologue seriously as a necessary contextual section.

>the Kingdom
You use kingdom as a general noun here, not a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalised. If it were "the Kingdom of Equestria", then it would be capitalised. On a more philosophical note, can a country ruled by princesses be considered a kingdom? I guess it is still closest to a monarchy than anything else...

>At first they were
Comma after first. When you have a clause that acts like an introductory adverb, you typically use a comma.

>For weeks they
Same as above

>An anonymous letter, sent directly to the Princess, stating that
stated
Otherwise the sentence doesn't have a verb.

>Mustang; the first time
Comma. The second part isn't a complete sentence.

>While innocent in nature, Equestria was grasping desperately for any scapegoat possible, and were quick to point hooves at the stallion.
Is this necessary? Even if you decide the sentence itself is necessary, the "innocent in nature" qualification certainly isn't.

>a cold and stormy winter's evening
Is this necessary? Will be abbreviated ITN? from now on. Read any review/guide/resource on pony fan-fiction that talks about weather reports to see why I ask.

>But what did they find?
You change from a formal narrator to an informal narrative voice here. Pick one voice and stick with it. You could actually make the introduction reasonably interesting and non-encyclopaedic if you set it as one pony telling a ghost story about Cedric, rather than just starting with contextless history. Or if you can, put off the history reveal until you encounter another character who would discover the history naturally within the flow of the story.

>when its secrets would be revealed.
This is where I would stop the prologue. The rest of it is the beginning of the story.

>It was another such night where the rain, the wind, and the sleet were at full force.
See any guide about weather reports.

>nothing unexpected... except for one detail.
Ellipses are used to denote when words are trailing off, like when Fluttershy starts talking and then gives up halfway through the sentence. They often get overused when authors use them to denote every. Single. Pause. Full stops work fine for that.
Unless you want a wishy-washy narrator, you shouldn't use them in narration. And given that you're using them here, you'll probably end up using them too much in dialogue, so take the above advice to heart.

>Too small to be of any importance, and too brief to catch any interest.
Great. So why bother mentioning it?

>"Y-you've got to remember... Don't
Called it.

There are dialogue punctuation errors here, but my previous post should have gotten them already.

>Y-your name... Your name is... Farlon?
These are probably ok.
>It has to be... wait...
These aren't.

>he continued struggling to force the words out.
If this is supposed to be a dialogue attribution Hint: the previous part is punctuated incorrectly for that section, then you should have a comma after continued, as it is a separate clause. If it is supposed to be a separate sentence, then he should be capitalised.

>were you born you stupid foal
When a character is addressed in dialogue, you offset the address (typically their name) with commas. It's called a vocative comma if you want to look for a general rule.
>were you born, you stupid foal

>In a few more minutes, he would remember a damn thing
This should probably be wouldn't. Otherwise, it doesn't make a ton of sense.

Also, amnesia, especially amnesia that a character conveniently recovers from is another typical Mary Sue sign.

Finally, most of that scene seems extremely contrived. You have a character actively losing his memory, which should be an interesting scene, but you only devote a couple vague sentences to it, which makes it worse than leaving it out entirely. Then you have some unseen force AKA the author wanting to advance the plot drive him forward.
My recommendation assuming the amnesia and location are non-negotiable:
Introduce the character with an already empty memory. If the fact that he intentionally lost his memory is important, foreshadow it with some hint, like a memory potion in his pocket. Then use some character trait, rather than an arbitrary authors hand, to keep him moving forward, like if he's curious about his surroundings, afraid of thunder, or just hungry and looking for something to eat.

>his degrading stride
Deteriorating would be better here. Degrading typically means embarrassing, and while I know the definition you were going for, the other one is more common and the one I went to when reading.

>"I... Cel-... help..."
Dashes should be used for abrupt cutoffs, not ellipses. And the dash-ellipse is just awful.

>The entire last paragraph of the prologue.
Cut the entire thing. You haven't been narrating as a story teller up until now and if the information in that paragraph is important, then it should be in a synopsis.

Now for the actual story, which probably should have started half of the prologue before.

>Cold... It was so cold...
Ellipses in narration. Not a good start.

>The stallion groggily opened one weary eye to the world where massive throbbing pain in his head waited to greet him, forcefully dragging him away from the blackness and into reality until he was fully awake.
This sentence is the definition of purple prose. I count six adverbs and adjectives in there, most of which are just unnecessary. I mentioned pacing above. If the pain is as severe as you seem to be trying to make it, then this should be a stressful event and the pacing should be quick, which would call for short active sentences. However, you seem to want an immobilising pain, which is much more passive. The body doesn't scream at you when it wants to stay put. It just makes the alternative far more unpleasant.

Also, why does he care about getting up and moving? He's lost his memory, so he can't be motivated by some task. Plus, you've given him far more incentive to stay still.

Finally, you're pulling out all the stops by going over the top with your description of his pain in this (first) paragraph. You want to make the beginning interesting, but that's the type of language you leave for the climax. Using this now is going to make every scene where he has pain either feel like a letdown when you use less description or get old very quickly if you try to use the same amount of description each time. If you use the scene where he enters the castle and passes out as a hook, this section could serve you well as a letdown period to allow the reader to relax and ready themselves for the next interesting event. As it is now, you force yourself into trying to have static pain serve as the hook for your first chapter.
This video http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/episode-07-pacing is a good resource to give you an idea of what to go for in terms of pacing.

>this was good enough for.
Missed a word here.

The second paragraph could use some subtlety. You are trying to make some pretty mundane thoughts seem like powerful hammers to the reader. For example:
>Who am I?" the question came crashing down with the force of a tidal wave.
You're trying to make this a staggering blow. It's not. It could be the type of thing that would compound together and drag him down, but it is definitely not the powerful strike you want it to be. The pacing suggestion may come in handy here, since if you are making this into a lull point, then having the weight off all his lost memories drag on him fits much better.
Related to this, you'll need to try to show his feelings much better if you want to get readers interested in the character. It's kind of a copout, but there are enough resources around ponychan and around the internet that you should be able to get a leg up on showing instead of telling. I'll give you one hint.
>For a moment, all thought of investigating his surroundings were erased, replaced with a growing sense of panic. Shaking his head, the black maned pony quickly subdued these feelings and kept himself in control.
These aren't showing.

>the black maned pony
Unless the colour of his mane comes in important in the next section, don't mention it. Look up Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS).

>lacking any very distinctive features
When something is uninteresting, don't call attention to it by describing it as such. If a room is uninteresting except for a few features, just describe the interesting features and get on with it. The only reason something should be described as uninteresting is if it is so uninteresting that the lack of any features makes it conspicuous and interesting again.

I'm right at 1:1 in words in the review to words read, which means I'm done with the line by line!

Thoughts are typically done in italics without quotation marks, but otherwise are punctuated like dialogue. You have both italics and quotation marks in several places.

Avoid adverbs in dialogue tags. The words in the dialogue should convey the emotion and if you think that isn't enough, then use body language clues.

The initial scene with the voices. ITN? They just tell him to go somewhere else to continue the conversation. Just have him get there by exploring and then have the conversation. This would also help you avoid LUS in the next paragraph by letting you keep using pronouns.

Except for very small or very common words (the, to, and...), don't use the same word more than once or, if absolutely necessary, twice in the same paragraph. Related in this instance, don't use the construct *noun* began to *verb* unless the action is interrupted or doesn't complete for some reason.

The paragraph with the door is breaking could use subtlety similarly to above.

>waited for Farlon to step in
Why do you call him Farlon before actually introducing him as Farlon?

There are enough errors that I'm still basically going line by line... New plan. I'm stopping at "and be swallowed whole." For the rest of this, I'll read one chapter and then type up a rant of whatever advice I think is necessary and particularly stuck out for me.

Rest of Chapter One:
Massive spit of things to get out.
Don't use all caps for emphasis and since you use it here, I'm expecting this later, so also don't use it in dialogue or thoughts when a pony is supposed to be loud. If you really want to emphasise a word or phrase, just use italics.

The "How convenient" with the lantern only serves to make it obvious how very contrived the lantern being there was. He'd had no trouble describing the stuff around him. If it's absolutely necessary that the scene is dark, then just have him move to a better lit section and squint.

The science nerd in me wants to say that door handles aren't typically copper and that copper doesn't rust. Just make have them made of iron, which fits better for a dark, scary castle anyway.

Here's the big one. WHY DOES HE IMMEDIATELY JUMP TO THE CONCLUSION THAT HE IS FARLON? You don't even have him think about it or come to some realisation that the name Farlon sounds familiar which would be out of place here anyway, because the name Farlon was mentioned earlier with no reaction. You just have him immediately jump to the conclusion that he is Farlon and that he must follow the advice given in the note, even though it tells him to go kill a random pony, which is strongly against his nature the note tells him that too. Yes, it is the first clue he encounters, but he should have a little bit of scepticism about the whole situation. Maybe you could have him recognise the handwriting (?hoofwriting) or something. You have him mention a vague sense of dislike toward the name Celric which didn't happen at the name of Celric before, but then he immediately accepts the situation at face value with no thought.

If I haven't mentioned this already, Farlon isn't a very pony name. Silverback isn't terrible, especially if he has mining or metalwork or something like that in his background, but Farlon doesn't fit.

You mentioned worries about a Mary Sue/Gary Stu/whatever. Here's my understanding of what that is. A Mary Sue character is one for which the author bends the universe so much that it becomes obvious to everyone that the author wants this character to be special. The reason that many of the typical Mary Sue characteristics are considered flags is because they are unrealistic. You can have a very powerful, very popular character that isn't a Mary Sue because the author very carefully chooses the abilities, challenges, and encounters that the character faces so that they all seem realistic. You can have a very weak or unpopular character that is a Mary Sue because the author makes the evidence of coincidences stack up against what could be reasonably expected. It is all about keeping the character real and keeping the blatant author intervention to a minimum.
Now, I haven't seen any of your characters abilities yet, but I have seen numerous occurrences of happy coincidences on his behalf for no particular reason, so it doesn't look good for an overall impression.
Another related point is that most of these coincidences could have been glossed over or ignored if you just left them unmentioned or gave a reasonable explanation. Even if your character wouldn't flag on a traditional Mary Sue test, leaving obvious author fingerprints around will still make him seem unrealistic. The best stories are those where the author sets up a framework and then asks the characters what they would do next.

Chapter 2:
Dear God adverbs. Adverbs all over.

Also, "coincidentally" ending up in the dining room. See above.

The encounter with random scary magical creature that actually does nothing, for some magically coincidental reason. ITN?

I find it unlikely that Twilight would be quite so brusque as to shake Farlon when he goes vacant while attempting to answer the question. Consider how she handled Fluttershy when she stopped responding in the pilot.

Also, if Twilight had lost her memory, wouldn't she go back to what she had done for most of her life, which would be study and do her absolute best to figure out, on her own, what to do? She wasn't naturally trusting when she came to Ponyville and you saw how reluctant she was to interact with her friends when they first met, even when she didn't have a negative feeling about them. Why would she start trusting and helping someone that she explicitly has a bad feeling about? And why isn't there more evidence of her doing her own extensive research around.

Also, if Celric knows who Farlon is and has uncontrolled access to Twilight this far, why wouldn't he just warn her against Farlon? Given their conversations, it is probably pretty obvious that Farlon has a motive against Celric, so why wouldn't Celric just stop any possibility of Farlon doing something against him? If Celric has some ulterior motive and needs to use Farlon, then maybe he would instruct Twilight to work with him, but be wary and ready to turn. However, if this is the case, then Twilight should foreshadow this with some sort of reaction.

Also, you made Twilight write with an ellipsis as a pause. While not strictly wrong, this made me very sad and you'd better have a good explanation for why her character would do this.

I've reached the point where I really don't want to read any further in this and I've given plenty of general principles for you to work on.
So I'll leave you with a general question or a homework assignment, if you will.
Why are you including Twilight Sparkle in this story?
There are three tiers of answers to this: Dear God, No! Wrong, and Yes.
It is probably pretty obvious how to avoid Dear God, No! but the distinction between the next two is less obvious and if I'm pegging you correctly, you probably don't know or haven't thought about the distinction.
However, be honest about your answer. I'll be able to tell by reading if you're lying and that will just piss me off to the point where I may actually be vindictive in telling you why you are wrong rather than just being a bit scary.

Keep writing

I don't particularly want to post this, mostly because it would be easiest if you just curled up in a corner and never returned, but that is the last thing I actually want as a reviewer. Seriously, the only reason I review and I think this motivation goes for most other reviewers as well is to help writers get better at writing. So you get a copy/paste with a warning to think very carefully about what you ask.

If you have any questions or something I suggest isn't clear, don't hesitate to ask. The point of doing this is to make you a better writer, so you shouldn't blindly take my suggestions unless you understand why I made the suggestion.

If you have any questions or want further feedback, feel free to post here or contact my email address, which is in the trip.
>> No. 103318
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103318
>>103301

... Ouch. Right to the self-esteem... On the other hand, I really needed a nice slap to the face like this one. You saw the problems, and did not hesitate to point them out. While I only read a few portions of your vengeful post, I can see that there are many, many problems with my 'story'. Thanks for choking down my story long enough to get a decent list of problems out.

If you'll excuse me, i'll be locked away for the next week or so redoing things...
>> No. 103321
Author: D. G. D. Davidson

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Dark][Sad][Adventure]

Synopsis: With the advent of Cadence, the princesses have come into their full power, and they'll need it: Tartarus has opened, monsters have overrun Equestria, and devils are dragging helpless ponies into Hell. Can the princesses save the world themselves, or must they make a deal with a devil they know?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23795/Princess-Trinity%3A--The-Gates-of-Hell
>> No. 103364
Hello there, this is Dublio and this is the review for First Week of Winter, written by Relaxing Dragon. The comments were mostly done in doc and fixed up. Story related concerns were emailed as to not spoil the readers. As for your review, I'll hit up the main points you mentioned.

Pacing:

As for pacing, I believe that there is a good opportunity to add more between the scene break just to get an idea of how the characters currently relate to each other. It's harder to get a bead on their feelings because you glance over it, so in that sense, I would say that the pacing is a bit fast. What you want to do is slow it down and get the sense that the ponies really want to leave, but are forced to stay, which is starting to wear on everyone's nerves. Applejack does snap at the end but it would be nice to get a gradual sense of their patience wearing thin.

Aww, I feel like it could have been a good opportunity here to play up the tension in the group by having them talk to each other. You said Applejack and Rarity whispered to each other as well as the two remaining CMC, but we don't know what they said. At this point, I'm not sure if you're trying to intentionally leave the reader in the dark or not, but I think it would be a great place to add red herrings. After all, the creature is so deadly because it acts exactly like the others it imitates. You don't have to add much, just... something. Oh well, your call.

Knowing a bit more of the tension between each other because of the growing suspicion, never hurt anyone. At this point, it's more about waiting for Twilight to find an answer but after what happened after this chapter, I'd expect that the paranoia part would be played out more. For this chapter, it's just dealing with boredom, tension, or wondering if Twilight cracked.

I don't believe adding scenes between the break would disrupt the flow of the story at all, but that's my opinion.

Characterizations:

The confrontation between Applejack and Twilight is playing out nicely. Applejack is as stubborn as in the show and cares for her sister, while Twilight would definitely stay up and neglect sleep in order to find the truth as evidence by the Future Twilight Episode. I didn't see Applebloom or Sweetie Belle do that much, but that's expected because of the shock from the earlier chapters. At the moment, Fluttershy is acting more assertive whereas Pinkie is acting more like old Fluttershy. Since ponies react in different ways under stress, I'm unsure if that's your intention or not. But for what it's worth, I don't really see a problem with characterization here.

Repetitiveness:

You mentioned being repetitive, especially near the end. That's probably because Twilight is repeating herself and the others are trying to convince her to let them go, which leads to a roundabout argument. There are a few repeated words and redundancy in your sentence structures and phrases, which lead to that feeling as well.

Some examples are the basic verbs of "walked" and "looked." There's a lot of that in this chapter, but by using the same word repeatedly, they come off as repetitive. Consider using a thesaurus to choose synonyms, but make sure that they are common enough so that other people will still understand them. Be careful not to choose the lesser known meaning of common words or some really out-there words. For the most part, when you think of words, you think of the most common meaning, so picking something else is going to be confusing.

Adverbs:

Yes, I'm starting to notice the adverb thing you mentioned in your submission. You have a bunch of unnecessary and redundant adverbs that don't do much besides serve as filler for your story. A lot of the adverbs are used as shortcuts for how the characters are feeling and their tone of voice, but I feel that it's a gross injustice to do that. I feel like the adverbs add to the telling factor. I feel like your story is lacking a lot of body language through the entire story and using adverbs to replace them is considered "telly" I know you've probably already heard of show vs tell already, but let's just say that excessive adverbs adds to the problem. Beware of using adverbs to imply your tone of voice instead of using dialogue, context, and body language as well. Like you said, you know that already, so just watch out for that.

Misc Note:

I feel like all forms of words that imply happening right now are pointless, because that's what the narrative is doing. Immediately, presently, and suddenly are all filler words and can be removed without harm to your narrative. They're pointless.

I feel like there is a lot of talking heads in this story. Although yes, they're technically just sitting around and talking, I feel like you should play up the suspense by adding more body language and how they're feeling. Don't use adverbs to determine their tone of voice or the way they talked though. Instead, focus on how they react to each other as they eventually crack under the pressure of waiting. Don't forget that actions are only half of the story. The other half is what they don't say, how they react, which is shown by their feelings, body language, and facial expressions. I want to see more.

Beware of "started to" or "began to" actions. Most of the time, it's better to just go with the direct action of -ed verbs. Too many of these actions can slow down your story if used improperly. You do use it correctly sometimes though. I've marked the inappropriate ones on your doc.

Final Notes:

Anyhoo, I enjoyed reading your story. I sent you an email concerning the story and other concerns I had as well. This review just contains the same information as in your document, but cleaned up a little bit for your benefit. I hope that I've helped you, even if only a little bit. As always, have fun and keep writing.
>> No. 103365
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103365
>>102439

Samurai Applejack? Hmmm maybe could work

Just to mention that the idea that "Going more deeply into the Samurai Jackness" is already pushing me away, mainly because I have the feeling that it will end up being "Samurai Jack, starring Applejack", which is not what I expect to read.

But I'll see what I can do.
>> No. 103371
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103371
>>102439

Let's start with this one. Issues may or may not be in order, but my beard wants to point out that you'll have to fix them all anyways. With no further ado, bring the truck!


Capitalize AJ’s “Ah” that go for “I”


>wouldn’t be any use
Wouldn’t be of any use

Really, I think we know the characters, just saying the names would work.

I don’t consider appropriate the “Nah, we’re just gonna reseal Discord, easy as pie.” It wasn’t easy the first time, nor will be this one time. I’ve never seen Applejack underestimating something.

And then… Okay, honestly, I know this is a crossover and all… But the point that “Out of freakin’ nowhere” Applejack just says some cool words and them BLAM, instant sword! Things shouldn’t work that way, and I cannot approve of this. There’s no reason for me to believe that it could happen, no precedent in the original stories.

Letting aside the “Sword, out of freakin’ nowhere!” she… no, I cannot roll with this. Let me put it this way. We’re working on the show, right? I mean, it’s based on the show, on My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. This is not starting on an alternate universe. This is the show, where AJ is the honest farmer we all know and love. I just want to point out that we need much more information for this to be possible or believable.


Okay, I’ll roll with the rude ticket seller. At this point…

>”Where the hay am ah?” Applejack wondered
Wonderings are thoughts, so they go in italics

Chapter 2…
I understood a few things here, and I hated too many of them.

AJ during most of the story is so OOC that I couldn’t even read her lines in her voice. She’s such a horrible pony towards Spike at first.

I’d expect far more than just a few sentences for Spike to feel comfortable about seeing AJ after a thousand years of being supposedly dead. Maybe asking a few questions or something to prove that she’s the real AJ and not… I dunno, something Discord could do to trick her into killing the real AJ when she appeared. A weird person I am, but I think of too much stuff at the same time.

Fix the chaos clock thing. Spike explains how it works and then says he doesn’t know how it words.

It’s a bit weird that, even when Spike tells her that she’s been sent a millennium in the future, she goes to “her” farm and still calls it “her” farm.

I don’t care that much about the zonies. It doesn’t add anything to the story save for what happened to Apple Bloom. But it's one of the few "odd" things that has a background, so I'll roll with it.

Grammatically speaking, I’d say that there are:

-Too many short sentences that make the story slow to read. Combine some of them.
-Avoid asking questions to the readers (questions during narration)
-Check the southern accent.
-Punctuation issues. Missing commas, mostly.
-Also missing apostrophes in genitive phrases.
-Too much show VS Tell. Show us more stuff
-We need much more emotions. Applejack should be morally crushed knowing that not only she doesn’t have her friends with her, but also that she has not family (at least not the family she used to live with).

My beard’s final judgment:

Even though the story could work, this is just a raw steel bar that needs to be hammered and sharpened in order to be a decent sword people would buy. There are too many things happening out of the blue as I mentioned in the overall review. I may have missed stuff, but I consider that what I told you should keep you busy for quite some time.

This all being said, my beard and I will leave this here.
>> No. 103387
>>103371

Yeah, I know, I'm very bad with commas.

I'd like a second opinion on capitalizing the 'ah's.

And I do have the alternate universe tag for a reason. The only significant changes are made to the Apple family. First, I ignore the family appreciation episode, making Granny Smith the Ponyville settler, and force it further back in time, but keep it the Apple family who does it, as part of a deal with Celestia involving the sword of Harmony.

Also, never seen Applejack underestimate? What about "Applebuck Season"?

I only added zonies because Kendall is the only OC I've ever made that I actually liked, and I had already made him a zony.

And the narration isn't asking questions to the reader, it's actually her talking to somebody in the story, not the reader.
>> No. 103389
>>103387

I'm a second opinion, and I concur with the first. As a reader, I can get used to reading in Applejack's accent if I have to, but a lowercase first-person singular subjective pronoun is always going to jar the eye, even if it's not "I." It's the same reason that when Luna speaks using the royal "We," that I put it in caps.
>> No. 103394
[Grimdark][Adventure]

When Kite, a young pegasus, earns his cutie mark, he finds it isn't quite what he had in mind. Claiming he'd been given the wrong one, a pair of ponies offer him a way to change it to something else.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xLSRxITLwRnOBz3KyoKu0ERxNXDXH8aP2B_o-cN4lN4/edit

Casca reviewed this last time and, seeing how I reckon he did a mighty find job of it, I'd like him to pick it up again if he's willing. Otherwise it's all good.
>> No. 103428
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103428
>>103387

Yes, I noticed the alternate universe tag. However, that means that you have to explain/justify every single major change you do in a way that people would buy it. We have the "Sword of Harmony" appearing out of the blue, and a lot of question rise at that moment:

If AJ can jut summon the sword, why do we really need the other five ponies in the first place?

If all the Sword of Harmony stuff you mentioned about Celestia and all that (which I just checked and the prologue mentions nothing) it's actually true, that is something important and had to be explained, the sooner the better.

That's one of my problems with the story, and the one I talked about the most. I know you want to make it look like Samurai Jack, and sometimes things like that happen. However, we still have ponies here. No matter if you ignore the Family Appreciation day episode as long as you justify us why all of a sudden (concerning I'm reading the story for the first time) AJ is such a kickass samurai that Miyamoto Musashi would be proud of fighting side to side with.

Without explanation, and I really have to mention this, if at first we're going to be like on the real show, it's really hard to believe that the farmer known as AJ is actually a swordmaster that can combine the Elements of Harmony into a sword that can almost OHKO Discord. Yes, yes, it's Samurai Jack, I've seen the show and remember that perfectly (though I liked the Scottish dude who befriends Jack the most). My complain, and advice, is that you should try to elaborate and explain this during the story. If you do it, I'll be able to buy it. But this is a really important change that modifies EVERYTHING, and you need solid foundations for this one, and they're just barely mentioned and they¡'re quite spread through the story.

Also, I remember "Applebuck season", and it's not that she underestimates anything. She's just a stubborn lass, a bit proud to accept help because it's something she has to do by herself.

I don't have problems with Kendall... Save for the name. It doesn't sound pony. Neither does.Zusoff. And I'll buy the zonies stuff as I mentioned earlier. Aside from that, they're fine.

About the questions. They sound weird and reaers would rather not have questions made during narrative parts. At least, not unless it's first person narrative, and this is third person.

With that being said, I hope to see the fic improved. It has potential if you edit if enough, with a background that would surely make me care about it.

Also, give more emotion to the characters, especially to AJ. And my beard wants to mention that you should make AJ use the sword with her mouth instead of with her hooves. It's just and advice, though.
>> No. 103431
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103431
Title: All Of Creation
Author: Ristar
Email: [Available in post]
Tags: Slice-Of-Life, Adventure, Gay

Synopsis:
Seafoam, a simple weatherpony for the tiny northern Bay of Hippocampus, loves his husband Frostbite more than life itself. However, due to being a rather active and ardent explorer for the crown, they can rarely be together. But, whenever they are granted the luxury of each other's company Seafoam desperately tries to cling to Frostbite, hoping one day they might settle into a normal life.

Comments:
Okay, I've been working on a new fanfic, and I have the first chapter done. I promise that this one is much better than that last train wreck I wrote. :P I just wanted to get an opinion early on in my writing, so I can still make major changes, if necessary.
>> No. 103450
Title: Death's door

Author: Pinkamina_daine_pie

Tags: [Sad, Dark]

Synopsis: There have always been two certainties in the world. As certain that the sun will rise, life will continue, and as certain that my sun will set, I will eventually perish.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TonE4uyXZnsp2nq0bMpXcoY7GTxbp1MkgFfQ78pTJj0/edit
>> No. 103454
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103454
A chill review of "And That's How Equestria Was Made" by Pinkie Bro
By Panda Bear (me), composer of classic tunes like "Bros," "Ponytail," and "Untitled #8"

Reviews are opinions, everypony[tail]. Don't hate - gyrate!

Since I'm finished working so hard at this new Animal Collective record, "Centipede Hz" (which is coming out September 4th on Domino Records, and August 4th on The Pirate Bay), I don't have many chores in my daily routine. My girls and I already have a proper house. (We're all very comfy here in Nautica, thanks for asking!) So, after meditating upon the question "How do I pass time?", I've decided to give fanfiction reviewing a chance. It makes sense for me, because ponychan's reviewers aren't very "hip" with the cool kids, and I'm still trying to cleanse myself of all the unwanted popularity I got after AC "sold out" and "went pop" with their last album.

Maybe I should take David's advice and do a "pony" album with Eric Copeland of Black Dice. Only instead of "Terrestrial Tones," our project would be called "Equestrial Pones".

But enough about me, Panda Bear, the humblest and most spiritually enlightened member of Animal Collective. I'm here to review a story: "And that's how equestria was made!," written by someone who apparently calls himself or herself both "Pinkie and the Shy" and "Pinkie ponders". And what a story this is. I've read it three times, and now I feel like I need to watch ODDSAC to remember what normal feels like.

Seriously. I can't wait to read this on acid—though I endorse a drug-free lifestyle, as I make clear on "Take Pills," the second track from my super-popular underground solo album Person Pitch.

"And that's how equestria was made!" tries to follow in the grand surrealist tradition of crafting art free from narrative. I have to say, Pinkie, this was a misguided idea on your part. Stories should always have discernible narratives, and at a basic level, that means they need a clearly-defined conflict and a resolution to that conflict. But I can't find a real narrative in this story.

"But," I can transcendentally hear you protest, while throwing up a facade of exclamation points that mask your true inner child, "the narrative is in Pinkie's mind! Her problem of figuring out what existence is, and how she relates to it, is obviously the central conflict of the story!" No. Bro, if you take an honest look within yourself, you'll see how un-Panda that bourgeois notion is.

Panda's 1st complaint is this: In FiM, Pinkie's a very simple pony. Wild and wacky at times, but simple. But these are very complicated philosophical ideas you're having her wrestle with. Why would she spend time thinking about them? I'm not saying Pinkie can't be deep. I'm saying she's not all weighed down by the artificial mental constructs humans create. She appears to the rest of us to act "random," but that's not because she thinks at 500mph. It's because she thinks differently from us, because she's in a much more natural state of mind, one that makes friendship the most important thing, and does not care about socially-important "fancy things" or "metaphysics" or "taking part in the freshest wave". She's a "noble savage".

A chill brony called "Fragmentd08" made a song a while back that captured Pinkie Pie's personality much better than your story does. A line from that song, which is sung in the person of Pinkie herself, reads: "Where's the fun thinking so hard? Let's just go roll on the ground!"

How. Chill.

And in my super-sincere, absolutely unironic opinion, it has to be this way for Pinkie, because she's the Element of Laughter. A really chill book I read once had a great line, which seems true to me: "With much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."

Panda's 2nd complaint is this: One of Pinkie's most well-known lines from the show is, "You have to take the leap of faith!" The lesson was that learning to trust your friends, in the absence of certain knowledge as to their reliability, is necessary. But bro. If Pinkie can understand that, why would she be troubled about not having "certain knowledge" about her own existence? Existence is waaaay more certain than friends are.

Panda's 3rd complaint is this: Your story's conflict is a conflict, but it's the conflict of philosophy itself. You can't "resolve" that for the reader, because what if the reader disagrees with how you resolve it? So, if philosophy is your story's only conflict, then it has no conflict at all, in the sense of something that the reader can look forward to a resolution of.

Even Atlas Shrugged had a plot behind its preaching.

I could go on, but if you've seen the words I wrote so far, it should be plain that I think the entire premise of your story is misguided. It's just not entertaining to read about someone's internal philosophical monologue, especially when that monologue is devoid of any originality, and only serves to recap the last 500 years of development of Western analytic philosophy.

So, as long as we're being straight and all, I think you should just abandon this story and write it off as a creative experiment. There's no shame in that—you wrote something, and that's waaay better than nothing. Even I, Panda Bear, the god of hipsters, make a lot of tunes that just aren't very chill and never make it onto an album. But I look at those "failed" tunes as being the necessary creative food my hungry soul needs in order to give birth to real bangers like "Slow Motion" and "Drone." But I don't put those tunes through expensive studio production, either, and I similarly don't think that "And that's how equestria was made!" is worth putting through grammar corrections or polishing.

But, you should def keep writing new stories and being creative with your talent. (Just... not this story.) And to help you out with that, I'll point out some other problems I saw.

The biggest deal with how you wrote the story is the way you don't clearly separate your story's narrator from Pinkie herself. You made the narration follow Pinkie's spastic-ness. To me, that sounds just like the sort of screeching feedback I get when I set up my mics wrong. It's nasty, man, and it feels at least as un-Panda as when people are intolerant of alternate lifestyles. You've got to clearly establish the point of view from which you tell a story, and stick to it. It's not chill to have a 3rd-person narrator speak a character's thoughts verbatim without using quotation marks or italics. Either the narrator should allow characters to speak for themselves like, "Here is Panda's example of a character speaking for himself," or a character should be the narrator, making the POV of the story first-person.

You abuse ellises... and exclamation points! You keep using them to make the reader feel either... somewhat... thoughtful... or depressed... or you use them to make the reader feel excited! But you shouldn't do that! It's the literary equivalent of making Top 40 pop music! Your readers should feel emotion because your story's well-written, not because it contains punctuation that they subconsciously associate with strong emotions.

Also, and this criticism may hurt: your story isn't funny, for basically the same reason that this post of mine isn't funny. It's too joke-y. Read something by Kurt Vonnegut, for example, or Mark Twain. I bet you won't find a single joke in their works. Their stories are funny because the humor springs organically from the narrative, and the reader is allowed to discover it on his own. But your story, with its over-the-topness, only feels funny in the way that a bee sting feels funny.

Finally, I'm not a stickler for grammar, which is why I've saved this for last. Your grammar is really quite spotty, like Derek, my dog. Your most common errors were comma splices and inconsistent verb tenses. Those are common mistakes for new writers to make, and there are a few guides floating around this board which explain those issues better than I could. Here's one that I like, but you should check out others as well: http://derpy.me/EznGuide

Actually, this is the last thing I'll say. If you ever use the phrases "Celestia's sun" or "Luna's moon" again, people will make fun of you for it. Those phrases are horribly overused and cliched.

I guess I'll wrap up my review now, because I've got to get to an unpopular, run-down coffee shop across town for dinner. All the things I hate about your story, I wish I didn't have to hate. But having good taste means making sacrifices. You can't get sentimental, because it always ends up drivel (to paraphrase my alt-idol Thom Yorke.) But if you stay true to yourself, you'll improve with time and effort. So, "get your head out of those websites that try to shape your style." (I mean you should ignore all the gushing comments you've already gotten and will likely continue to get on fimfiction.) We Animal Collective members all stayed true to ourselves, and in a few short years, we went from making awesome hipster bullshit like Here Comes The Indian to making what was clearly the best album of the decade, Feels. And we've had so much fun along the way, that we don't even care about popularity anymore. (Or at least I don't. I have my doubts about Josh, though.)

In sum: chill out.
—Panda

>pic is how I feel about you as a person, not how I feel about your story
>> No. 103463
File 133763226410.gif - (3.20KB , 200x177 , curious.gif )
103463
>>103454
>Actually, this is the last thing I'll say. If you ever use the phrases "Celestia's sun" or "Luna's moon" again, people will make fun of you for it. Those phrases are horribly overused and cliched.
I know this review isn't any of my business, but is it really that big of an issue? I'm asking because I may have to edit it out of my own fic if it is going to be a distraction.
>> No. 103464
>>103463
It's overused. Here have a nice copy paste from NickNack if I recall correctly.

You know, I kind of wish there was like a sewer god; then, every time someone takes a shit, they would be taking a _______'s Shit.
>> No. 103465
File 133763257438.jpg - (26.73KB , 214x235 , 10022_r.jpg )
103465
My internet has been down for a few days. Sorry for the delay. I've gotten EVERYTHING together finally. All of my family problems, technology problems, all of the schoolwork is done due to the end of the year coming up. I am finally back in business for reviewing. I won't take another one for a few days though to ensure that nothing comes up.

>>102350
Hi there, Sarcasmo. I wasn't able to provide a FULL review for this reason: It got really, really boring halfway through.

Grammar:
(This goes over a good half of the story because it carries on throughout the rest)

>“Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student”
Period

>“Princess Celestia!”,
No comma needed

>dedicated to princess Celestia
This is a title, capitalize it. It's like how we saw King Isabella or President Obama

>For example when Applebloom
I feel a colon should go after example

> It is a pretty dangerous spell, that could wreck a lot of unintentional havoc.
Comma not needed

>Did you have to be send so far away?”
Sent

>“Ohmygosh!
Don't put this together, I realize it's supposed to be fast speech, but it just looks sloppy

> into the deep space
the not needed

>real story of how i got 'banished'
Capitalize I (This happens a few other times. Just ctrl+F i)

>every once in a while
awhile

>there where gruesome things to come
were

>My sister and I
This is proper grammar, and I wasn't going to correct you on it before when you said 'me and my sister' because this is Luna's letter, not t he narrator speaking, but now I know that Luna DOES know this rule, so change the times when she says 'me and my sister'

>afraid that there where gruesome things to come.
were

>I told them it was me who plagued the land
replace 'me' with I

>But what about Discord.
Question Mark

Plot/Story Continuity:
It's sort of boring, honestly. I think you have a good idea there, claiming that dreams are the creation of Luna and that those dreams backfired on them, but otherwise, everything else is boring. Twilight goes to talk to Princess Celestia, she sends her to Luna, Luna and her talk, Luna sends a letter, then Twilight confronts her about the letter. That's pretty much it.

Spike seems to be put into the story for no particular reason, and Twilight just ignores him when he gets to be part of the actual plot. Spike's importance in the story was close to none, if any at all.

Furthermore, Twilight is pretty OoC in some scenes. She questions Luna's entire letter to her, which is fine (Even though I think Twilight would have trusted the Princess) you have her be disrespectful to Luna by stern questioning. Twilight wouldn't be so brash.

Not only all of this, but some things don't really make any sense. Some of them could, but you don't add enough justification for them.

Here's some specific passages:

>She should be in her room right now. It's in the Starswirl the bearded-wing.
Why is it there? Doesn't make much sense to me.

>"I'd never have thought gems could cause food poisoning"
That's because they can't, Twilight. If they CAN I don't see the justification for it.

>“If you want to talk about it, you'll eventually have to tell me what she wrote. Twilight?” But the unicorn was already gone.
Why would Twilight leave Spike hanging? It doesn't seem like something Twilight would do. There's nothing so urgent that she just has to IGNORE Spike. She likes sharing knowledge with him. It doesn't seem like a secret thing to do.

>I thought you would have returned to Ponyville already.”
Why would Luna think this? Twilight never said that in their previous discussion.

>“Do you care to explain?”
Yep, just start questioning a Princess so suddenly, because it's not like Twilight has any respect for Luna. Nope. This is the first thing you have Twilight say to Luna today. This is also AFTER Luna invites her in. Luna is not the antagonist.

>“For starters how did you send that letter to me?”
MAGIC?

>All the anger and confusion faded from Twilight's mind
I don't understand why she's angry. Luna explained a crap load of stuff to her. It seems OoC for Twilight to be angry about knowledge she's received

>“No, I don't believe you.”
And why not? Explain

>You claim to have created all dreams. It's hard for me to believe you really are that powerful.
As far as we know the Princesses are the most powerful beings alive. Explain why Twilight doubts this.

>“And just how am I supposed to prove such a thing? I most certainly haven't got any ideas as to how.
So At one point Luna is HAPPY that Twilight doesn't believe her, and yet has no way to prove it to her. This seems counterproductive

As you may have noticed, I only took passages from the last scene where they both speak, and that's because that's where most of the problems arose. There's small ones here and there that I don't really want to get into. I'm mainly concerned about this scene.

Writing Style:
It's all dialogue. All of it. You have some 'she said' and 'she walked' 'she left' blah blah. It's all just talking heads most of the time. It gets REALLY boring to read. You need to show us what's going on. After all, we can't hear the emotion in their voices, and TEXT only accounts for 10% of how someone portrays info. You have to fill this gap with body language.

You also seem to have a MAJOR case of 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome'! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lavender%20Unicorn%20Syndrome

There's also some other minor things:

>Twilight took a short break
Show us she did, don't tell us. Possibly: 'Twilight said, pausing as she put a hoof to her chin in thought before continuing.

>The unicorn sadly answered
we can start saying her name now, don't you think?

>The unicorn entered the room.
Let's use a different pronoun

>Luna began: “I take it you like what I've done to the place. Although it still feels a little spartan.”
Nope. Suggestion: 'Luna watched as Twilight came through the door and looked around the room at the sight, smiling at her. "I take it you like what I've done to the place? Although, it still feels a little...Spartan.'

>The unicorn quickly shook off her amazement and gathered her words:
Yo, Unicorn.

>The purple equine
This is just an odd way to say Twilight, and isn't neccesary. Remove and replace with Twilight or She

>Everypony only looked after herself,
Aren't there stallions? I'd suggest you change this.

>but I answered her I was too weak
Confusing

Verdict:
I like the concept, but the way you brought about it was pretty bad.

Writing Style: Needs a lot of work.
Plot: It's okay, but work on the scenes and the way they're portrayed
Grammar: It's okay, just the examples I gave need to be fixed.

Overall: I give it a 6/10
>> No. 103466
File 133763301272.png - (15.25KB , 100x100 , 24d6fb00.png )
103466
>>103464
Huh. Good to know, then. Looks like I have a bit of editing to do.
>> No. 103468
File 133763381108.gif - (2.03KB , 200x93 , dead.gif )
103468
>>103431
Well, that's embarrassing, I forgot to add the link to my fic in my post. :S I wish PChan allowed edits. Oh, well. Here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14JUvb2xxAaFOftQB5l_1cEp9t6Omh2lXvRt4fkqv978/edit
>> No. 103469
Tags: [Adventure][Slightly Grimdark][Human][Suspense]

Synopsis:
Humans have vanished from Earth. Barren wastelands and cold winds sweep across the world for years, but a set of new and advanced races soon arise. Equines, Griffons, Canines, and many more climb from the ashes of the human empire, establishing colonies and towns. Humans are quickly forgotten, their legend gone and their civilizations destroyed. But a spark shines brightly deep beneath the surface of this new world, holding mankind's last remnants.

Two men, both darkened by past sins, are awakened from a slumber of over three thousand years. Freed from their containment by a curious Equestrian archaeologist, these men soon discover that everything they have ever known is gone. Equipped with their hate and rage, they will redeem their lost glory, revive their remaining brothers and sisters, and revolt against the world around them. Humans will rise, blood will be spilled, and empires will crumble under the weight of this revolution. Mankind has returned, and it wants its world back.

Links:
FIMFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10715/Redeem,-Revive,-Revolt

FanFiction:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7829025/1/Redeem_Revive_Revolt
>> No. 103474
>>103431
Hey, I'll be your reviewer today. A large part of it will be in comment form in gdocs.
>> No. 103475
File 133764098568.png - (140.63KB , 298x213 , handshake.png )
103475
>>103473
>>103474
Two reviewers? The more, the merrier, I suppose! Thank you both for your time; I really appreciate the input of others. :)
>> No. 103481
File 133764564918.gif - (99.94KB , 100x132 , thumbsup.gif )
103481
>>103474
Looking at your comments so far, I'm starting to see where the problem areas lie. Luckily, most of the issues seem like they lend themselves to quick fixes rather than major systemic flaws, which is a relief. Thanks again; I'm anxious to hear your final verdict.
>> No. 103487
I'm back, and no doubt improved. Be ready to review my sheeeeet... meow
>> No. 103491
Hello everyone, here I am to try and get a review of my latest story. It's a bit of a random idea, I don't know what you will think of it but still, here it is.

Basically I need help mainly with the show VS tell. no matter how much I rework things it seems I never understand what makes one less telly than the otehr. (most exemple I get just seem to be the same thing but with 2 or 3 words swapped. I guess I fail to understand the change)

Of course I know my punctuations/grammar needs some more work, so if you can point out my errors, I'll be glad to fix them ASAP.

here is a link to the Gdoc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NvZqN2z2fMqLiB8G6zjxVcqFObSsp1CcVlR6gNH6OMg/edit

thanks in advance for your help.
>> No. 103492
File 133765187156.jpg - (12.12KB , 262x236 , GetAttachment-1.jpg )
103492
Author: JusticeSnake

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Normal][Romance][Dark]

Synopsis: Spike narrowly avoids an incident with Applejack, but not without consequences. Also, something dark festers in Canterlot that will change his life forever. As new relationships bloom and old ones are dragged into light, he will have to make a choice that could decide the fate of Equestria!

The link to the first two chapters of my story is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2390/Unintentionally-Yours

---

I have already implemented the pre-reader's suggestions, though I will post them here for courtesy:

Response:

Greetings from Equestria Daily! Pre-reader Portmanteauster here, and I cannot recommend your story for publication at this time. The fic has enough basic problems that it has been automatically rejected and given a strike without reading further than the last item I found. Below, you’ll find the most obvious of the problematic lines that I ran across before I stopped reading.

***

Punctuation:
With a low bow, Spike responded to her, “Nothing could stop me,” he began with but a whisper in her direction, “Milady.” (Full stop before his dialogue here.)

“Oh, Spike,” she said once more, “You’re my… hero.” (You either need to make this a hard stop after ‘once more’ or you need to put ‘you’re’ in lowercase.)

Capitalization:

“Oh, Spike!” the voice touched his ears and he cherished it, savoured it, despite the worry it vented. (This is not an attribution tag and thus should not begin with a lowercase letter)

Non-dialogue run-ons:

In royal linens and soft fabrics was she adorned, the complexion of her alabaster coat glowed amid the darkness.

Miscellaneous:

At this, the vision of Lady Rarity flushed and batted her eyelashes, lashes swaying with them. (Lashes swaying with... her eyelashes?)

Then, as if summoned to courage, the Lady Rarity leaned forward and pressed her soft lips together, offering Spike his warrior’s reward of a passionate kiss. (You were doing pretty well on the show vs tell front here, and then you hit us over the head with the obvious. We can hazard a guess as to what she’s offering; drop the ‘of a passionate kiss’ and this sentence will be better for it.)

The dragon inched closer to his love, their union pending, and marred by only a mere breath! (You use the word ‘mar’ here. I do not think it means what you think it means. Also, I suggest removing the comma after ‘pending’.)

The vision of Lady Rarity gave way at that moment, voice, as a birdsong, was scattered and replaced by another, raucous, accented. (Wat. Actually, no, I see what you were probably intending, and though this is waxing a bit too poetic for my tastes in storytelling, that’s not the issue here: it’s the construction that’s throwing me off. The comma before ‘voice’ here should be a full stop (with ‘voice’ being capitalized) or it should be a semicolon.)

Spike’s eyes shot open to meet the aback, yet gently smiling green eyes of Ponyville’s own earthen orange farming Pony. (Again, wat. First, ‘aback’ is an adverb, but you try to use it as an adjective here. Given the form of your prose, I’m willing to believe that eyes can smile, though I’d normally mark that against someone. But then, then! You capitalize Pony in the middle of the sentence. Who does that? No one does that, and for good reason. You don’t capitalize ‘human’ or ‘person’ in the middle of a sentence, and neither should you capitalize ‘pony’ in a like situation.)
>> No. 103493
File 133765258723.jpg - (259.76KB , 945x945 , MegaSweet-ChocolatePudding.jpg )
103493
>>103487
Well...

I'm told that what it is you wanted to ask was a review from me. Go ahead and post it.

Just know that my patience may be pretty thin. I'm tempted to just tell you what I think you want to hear and be done with it, but I'm not that careless. I've got a lot on my plate.
>> No. 103495
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure], [Dark]

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.

Links:
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r-U0ozEcJxESWEi-1PJC64wkIdM5fqziu6kWgu0ikQ8/edit
Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IxEqOau6wYkqlt5YLONNPrUeCo_DiNgwqjG5B_0oyuQ/edit
Chapter 6: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LZej1aA92p7NL1njNUeYEGw2EfaaoSY2hqsS5ClI3xM/edit

Chapters Requesting for Review: Chapters 4-6

Comments: First time requesting review for this portion of the story. Line-by-line would be appreciated, but not necessary. Looking for critique on general editing, plot advancement and character development.
>> No. 103505
>>103431


Ok I won't waste any time

> It was Seafoam's favorite time of day.
That's your first sentence? Really? If this was a casual read I would put it down right now, there needs to be some kind of hook.

> his ethereal cushion
Ok this word... You used it correctly, however this throws up a red flag for me to watch out for other large words, and dictionary abuse. Never use a word that you aren't 100% sure what it means. Also most readers won't know the word "Ethereal."

I can't believe you just spent that long describing something that seems completely irrelevant to the story. Not to mention it was completely uninteresting, and it was your first paragraph to boot. No normal reader would continue.

You need to stop telling so much, and instead show more. Let the reader come to basic conclusions. Basically don't tell them exactly what's going on directly, give them everything they need to know what's going on.

Overall this story was rather boring and you have multiple problems with formatting and grammar. You need an editor. You also need more... material for this, a lot of parts drag on for what seems like forever. You repeat yourself a lot.
>> No. 103506
Experience has told me I should really send these through here before I go to anypony else, plus it gives new reviewers more to choose from, so here’s my latest story. Enjoy.

Title: The Cupcake Incident

Author: Minjask6572

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Normal][Comedy][Shipping][OC]

Synopsis: While playing test dummy for Twilight, Sunspot finds himself in a somewhat sticky situation. Little does Pinkie realize that that tasty cupcake isn't quite what it seems.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-LQ3J57Fbfr-YZC-Prn-KEPBzcnHEDvY7GjhWUcybxg/edit

Comments: This is a sort of sequel to my previous story, “Pinkie My Friend”. It’s the first in a series of side stories from the original. I mainly need help with characterization and with the jokes. I’m terrible at comedy, and I could use a little help with some ideas for humor. Thanks ponies.
>> No. 103528
File 133766719456.jpg - (189.47KB , 1366x768 , pwnage.jpg )
103528
>>103506
Hey noob. I'm teh_pwnerer and I'm here to own your fanfic. I'm not gonna claim and like review it all official, 'cause that'd just be too much pwnage for this board to handle, but I'll give a you a few tips on, like, mechanics and stuff.

So I'm reading this story now. And it's starting off with OC pony dude who knows Pinkie and Twilight, and I'm thinking he must be a n00b. He's so n00b they haven't even shown him on screen in the TV show, even though he's, like, pals with Pinkie and Twilight and always, like, helps them out with stuff. But it's a sequel to some other thing, so I figure you introduced Sunspot in that, so whatever. He's still a n00b.

You know what else is n00b? Your punctuation micro. I know that most people just don't have the skills to get their micro up so they're doing, like, proper punctuation and stuff, but that's why you gotta train, like me. I'm pro 'cause I train sixteen hours a day, and I gotta hit those keys right, 'cause if I don't, n00bs gonna be thinkin' they're pro.

>A special request has been made, so I think I’ll tell you the story of one of the most peculiar predicaments I’ve ever found myself in; The Cupcake Incident.
You gotta hit SHIFT when you press the colon key if you want a colon, bro.

>“Hey! I am a dragon after all, I need my sleep sometimes.” Spike called from across the room.
>“Yeah” I said. “How could I forget? I was just sitting in my room and Pinkie Pie popped out of nowhere.”
>“A muffin.” I answered
The comma key is a little to the left of the period key. You wanna use that one when you're telling us what people said (unless there's, like, a question mark or an exclamation point on the end), because otherwise you've just got a dialogue sentence and a fragment all floating around and doing nothing.

It's like when you're playing RA2 and you put one Prism Tower on one end of the map and another one on another end... because you're a total n00b. Prism Towers need to be placed together, else they won't power each other up, and then I'll pwn you even harder.

>“Hey! I am a dragon after all, I need my sleep sometimes,” Spike called from across the room.
>“Yeah,” I said. “How could I forget? I was just sitting in my room and Pinkie Pie popped out of nowhere.”
>“A muffin,” I answered.

Just look in a book by a pro and see how they punctuate dialogue. Or look it up on the Google. You'll pick it up like super quick, unless you're a total n00b.

>her is like trying to get spike
You got make names have capital letters.
>Spike

>What is it this time Twilight?
>You know I really do appreciate your willingness to help Sunspot.
You gotta put commas before the names of the n00bs being addressed. And more commas where it sounds like they, like, pause when they're talking.

Your paragraph format is totally n00b. I can't read this. Indent those suckers, or put lines between them. This just looks like a wall of text, and that's not gonna help you turtle.

There are a lot of typos too. If you're n00b who makes typos all the time, work on your micro so you don't. Or go back and fix your typos, 'cause then maybe people won't think you're such a n00b.

Practice your micro by fixing all these mistakes while you wait for a story review, 'cause otherwise your reviewer's gonna be like, "what a total n00b" and they're gonna be so busy pwning your mechanics they ain't gonna even notice the story. Plus, then you'll be a trained n00bs instead of a total n00b, and those are more fun to pwn.

>I laughed. Pinkie Pie, you are so random. And that’s why I love
Did you just stop typing there? You need quotes. And, like, the end of the story.
>> No. 103532
>>102206
Your synopsis has me interested. Expect a review within the next 2-24 hours.

Note: It looks like an anon's commented quite a bit on the doc on the 12th, so you'll want to correct those things as well as things I mark. I also scrolled around to peek at the other TTG reviews and PR comments on the story; I suggest you scan through them all again for additional tips that you perhaps haven't resolved yet.
>> No. 103540
For your scrutiny..

Title:
A Question of Sacrifice
(Prologue)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zNvkgj_Tno_qHKTEKWCfLxWizBxOVhiHoFxyh-IB0-g/edit

Treacherously and lies are interwoven into the complex tapestry of politics that stretches from the noble spires of Canterlot to the deceitful halls of Griffoney, and the whole political spectrum is a constant flashpoint. It only takes one, willing to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, to set the whole farce ablaze.

[war][dark][adventure]
>> No. 103541
File 133769150528.gif - (3.28KB , 200x205 , walk.gif )
103541
>>103505

So, from what I gather, you're saying that the main problem with my story is that I spend too much time describing things, correct?

Which leads me to my second question: Do you think the fic so far was bad enough that it is unsalvageable, and should be scrapped, or do you think it could work with some tweaking?

Third, I noticed that you didn't leave any comments on the latter half of the chapter. Did you just not have anything to say, or was it just that boring that you stopped reading?

>Ok this word... You used it correctly, however this throws up a red flag for me to watch out for other large words, and dictionary abuse.
I'm not too clear about what is wrong with using the word. Also, why do you think that I didn't know what it meant?

>You need to stop telling so much, and instead show more. Let the reader come to basic conclusions. Basically don't tell them exactly what's going on directly, give them everything they need to know what's going on.
So, at that point, what would I be describing? To do this, I would have to avoid writing about the characters or the environment, which kind of leaves me with nothing to work with. How might I accomplish this?

>Overall this story was rather boring and you have multiple problems with formatting and grammar.
The only grammar issue you ever mentioned was paragraph indentation, and I honestly can't find anything else. Care to elaborate?


Nevertheless, I still appreciate your comments. If you think something can be made out of this story, then I will absolutely fix them and continue writing. If you think that it's a train wreck and should be put out of its misery now, then off to the trash can it goes.
>> No. 103543
File 133769348055.gif - (26.32KB , 150x210 , ezmjpt.gif )
103543
>>103528
Oh god that is an awesome post. I lol'd.
>> No. 103547
File 133769437087.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
103547
>>103394
Ask, and ye shall receive.
>> No. 103549
>>103465
Thank you Prof. Hugbox for your review. I'm certainly not as ungrateful to complain about any delay, if someone offers me, a complete stranger, any help on improving.

Your review was fair and it gave me a lot to think about and work on.
However, I don't seem to understand your first to pieces of criticism. I would be grateful if you could clarify. Why is it odd for Luna to be in her room, whatever silly place I put it? Also why shouldnt gems consumed as food cause food poisoning (again silly, but it still seems okay to me)?

Lastly, I wanted to ask if you care to reread the story once I've edited it. Don't feel obliged to say yes; you helped me more than enough.

One last thank you and a looking froward to hearing from you.
>> No. 103553
File 133770190130.png - (67.59KB , 200x193 , I\'mSoFresh.png )
103553
>>103549
As you've stated, those things are pretty silly, and anything silly, despite their insignificance, can take away from the believability of the story. Why would Luna's room be in the Star Swirl wing? Why doesn't she get her own domain like her Sister (I assume) gets? She is the most royal and powerful being in Equestria next to her sister. Unless Luna CHOSE this area, but you suggest nothing of it.

Spike getting food poisoning from a gem? Well, seeing as Gems are elements of the Earth, it seems highly unlikely that some kind of virus or bacteria would have decided to latch itself onto it. It's just preposterous. You add no justification for this, and it hindered my ability to believe the situation. It seemed that you only did it to forward the plot and have Twilight have an excuse to stay with Spike as she received the letter.

Yes, I would be happy to pre-read again for you. I will keep a look out for your story. If you post your story here and request me specifically I assume no reviewers will try to pick it up and I'll pick it up when I return to the thread, which is at least once a day.

Happy writing!
>> No. 103556
>>103506
I'll 'officially' claim this due to its length, since I can pretty much do this all at school. Should be pretty easy. So, hello there Minja, I am professor Hugbox, and I will be your reviewer for today.
>> No. 103557
File 133770645217.png - (23.62KB , 830x650 , Ponysona_Me2.png )
103557
Hi there, Training Grounds. I have the beginnings of a fic I would like for someone to give a look over. I only have the setup to the major plot so far, but I suppose it can't hurt to get some feedback now so I can apply it to the rest of the fic as I write it.

Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: It's been years since the Cutie Mark Crusaders began their quest to find their cutie marks. With no money and ideas on future crusades dwindling, they enter in a contest in the hopes of winning a cash prize. Instead, a miracle happens - a Crusader discovers her talent and earns her cutie mark! But what does this mean for the future of the friendship? Will there even still be a friendship?

Chapter links:
Prologue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ds5SnpVaoq7BDNJm22LSXzwQVNkuLieLHBq-qfO_3kA/edit
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qbrm4V9W1X95ForZo8408aEefiR_pzIqd9yao66ATH4/edit

Hope you enjoy it, Mr. Whoever-Reviews-This-Story.
>> No. 103558
>>103528
DUDE! Like totally thanks for all the tips bro. I guess I missed a couple spots in there, but you picked them up all radical like.

>>A special request has been made, so I think I’ll tell you the story of one of the most peculiar predicaments I’ve ever found myself in; The Cupcake Incident.
> You gotta hit SHIFT when you press the colon key if you want a colon, bro.
Thanks for the tip bro, but that semi-colon was like, intentional man.

>>What is it this time Twilight?
>>You know I really do appreciate your willingness to help Sunspot.
> You gotta put commas before the names of the n00bs being addressed. And more commas where it sounds like they, like, pause when they're talking.
Woah, thanks dude I totally did not know that. But there wasn't a single pause in there man, so why would I need commas?

> I can't read this. Indent those suckers, or put lines between them.
Thanks for the tip bro, nopony ever taught me that in school.

> There are a lot of typos too. If you're n00b who makes typos all the time, work on your micro so you don't. Or go back and fix your typos, 'cause then maybe people won't think you're such a n00b.
That one's always a royal main in the buttocks man. It doesn't matter how much I reread my story, somepony always manages to find some typo I missed, and then they think I'm a total n00b. I went over this like six times. I'm tempted to show you the original so you can see all the derps but that would be like, suicide.

Anyway thanks for the awesome tips man. Keep on rockin' dude.
>> No. 103560
File 133770956135.png - (944.94KB , 1366x768 , pwn.png )
103560
>>103558
>Thanks for the tip bro, but that semi-colon was like, intentional man.
Don't n00b out on me like this, man! You use a semicolon to put, y'know, two independent clauses in the same sentence, and those aren't two independent clauses. Trust me: a colon is what a pro would use.

>But there wasn't a single pause in there man, so why would I need commas?
I meant, like, in general. When I get Kyle to read some of your dialogue he says it all fast and unnatural, because he's a n00b who doesn't put the commas in himself. Read the speech out loud and try to drop commas where you stop for breath.

>Thanks for the tip bro, nopony ever taught me that in school.
Yeah, my teachers were total n00bs too. Wanted me to do, like, physics and history and stuff.

>That one's always a royal main in the buttocks man.
We can't all be pro like me.

GG.
>> No. 103574
>>103540
Please fill out a submission form so your fic goes in our queue. Link is at the top of the thread, under "For writers:"
>> No. 103578
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103578
>>103495
Llama read the whoLle thing aLlready so Llama will cLlaim this and dish the detaiLls even now.

Llike Llama said before, this has the pace, structure, characters and interactions needed to be great. The trick wiLl Llie in getting the story out of your head and onto the page.

When it comes to grammar, punctuation and structure you are doing fine.

Your grasp of characters and canon is wonderfuLl, the diaLlogue is very fine, and you set the scene weLl. This taLle onLly faLlters in your attempt to reveaLl eLlements of your overaLl pLlot. You have chosen a very chaLlenging concept (trying to not spoiLl the story) and introducing the true nature of your OCs wiLl take time and a gentLle hoof.

Llama enjoyed the story so far and is Llooking forward to more, take your time and let it slide out into view at it's own pace.
>> No. 103579
>>103495
Lloved the fog scene and the Apple famiLly bit. nice.
>> No. 103581
>>103223
Please remove me from the queue. Based on advice from my prereaders, and a very generous gift, I'm stopping this story where it is. Stepping away for a few weeks, and going back to the drawing board.
>> No. 103583
>>103528
Best... review... ever...

Anyways...

I was just looking over on the queue. It looks like I need to clear it up a bit.

I'll claim

>>102199
Journey Behind the Central Ley Line by mewrei

>>102430
The Quiet Place by Aynine

I don't know how long this will take me, considering I have classes to worry about. I'll get back with you as soon as I can.
>> No. 103586
File 133773739808.png - (62.14KB , 551x513 , Surprise_WOAH.png )
103586
>>103286
Just read that fic, "Tales". Absolutely fantastic. How have I not read this before? I absolutely will be using this for inspiration. I know the recommendation wasn't aimed at me, but thank you anyways.

>saging for off-topic.
>> No. 103589
>>103586
Because the fandom forgets to easily and there is no good way to reminding them of what is actually good.
>> No. 103597
Hey guys.

I really hate to bother anyone here, and I'm not posting to bump my request (I'm well aware you guys can see it in the queue).

But I'd like to ask a question about my fic "Black Equinox" from the perspective of folks looking for things to review.

My fic has been the top of the unclaimed list for a while now, it's #2 in the active queue, and I just have to wonder... Is something about it ringing any alarm bells in potential readers at first glance?

I know my fic has been reviewed several times, and once it even got picked up for review the same day it was posted, so maybe it's just that the folks here think my turning right around and submitting the next chapter is bad form and are purposely having me wait a bit longer for my turn. In which case, I apologize, and meant no offense.

Mostly I guess I'm wondering if I'm just not grabbing people. In a lot of ways my fic is kinda' like "Cabin in the Woods," in that I can only tell so much in my synopsis/trailer without spoiling the surprise (I won't assume to be like it in any other ways, because that movie fucking RULED, and I'm ill-equipped to judge my own work). I also know HiE stories and Grimdark tend to put people off.

...and of course, accepting my request means reading five chapters and reviewing the last, which averages to around 10,000 words apiece. No small task I'm sure.

So you guys rock, I love that you take time to help aspiring writers, and I don't underestimate how it cuts into your own lives. Especially if you have to read something particularly shoddy. I'd never rush you guys, and I hope whoever picks up my fic eventually does so out of legitimate interest and not because I whined about it (I promise I'm not whining about it).

So, to the people seeing it and saying to themselves, "Meh... pass" what induced that reaction?

Eustatian Wings told me originally that either I had a stinker, or a sucky synopsis, and he later concluded the latter. The current synopsis is his own invention, but still. If it's designed as a hook and doesn't catch, I have to wonder what I'm doing wrong OUTSIDE of the story itself.
>> No. 103604
>>103578

Hail to the mighty Llama.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut: Give your readers as much info as you can up front, to heck with suspense. This is the approach I'm taking right now with a few new scenes. I'm writing everything out that's a major plot point that would be discussed, and then doing some cutting and selection to find out what bits I want to divulge. I'm liking the results so far. The consequence of this that I'm starting to see though is that I will need to go through the story again though and flesh out the tasty bits. But hey, that's editing.

The main test subject for this is the "opera color scene" as i'm dubbing it. I'm breaking it up into two separate parts, with one of them becoming an entirely new chapter at the end of Chapter 1. It shows Blair going to Celestia and telling her the initial concern and problem that the twelve have: that the barrier is falling apart. I've already written this, I just need to edit it.

In place of the current scene at the end of Chapter 3 is going to be a discussion between Blair and Piro as they walk to meet up with the other ten to tell them of their new assignment. The scene ends as they arrive, which will avoid the problem of too many voices. The point of this scene will be to show Piro as to be opposed to the Princess as Blair tries to explain to him why things are happening the way they are. This then leads in to the introduction of the rest of the OC's in Chapter 4.

The goal of all of this to give a better setup and understanding not only for the goals of the OC's but to flesh out Blair and Piro's characters, as well as explain some of their actions in greater detail. The desire to make changes like this is why I have not submitted this story to EqD. I imagine that if it gets posted there, It will get more readers, and changes of this level would turn piss people off. I know it'd make me pissed.

Fluttershy is hard to write for me because I find her to be a slightly dull character, however the very thing that I find dull about her needs to be done in a special way in order for it to go the direction I'm planning. The Derpy part was fun.

AJ's scene almost wrote itself. It's a shame that there aren't more stories that don't depict Granny Smith as a stronger character. For the reasons I point out in my story, it doesn't make any sense for her to be anything else. Also, action is easier to write.

I might have the revisions done by tomorrow night when I post Chap 6 on fimfiction. In which case it will actually be Chapter 7!

Thanks again!
>> No. 103605
>>103597

Technically, your story is first in the queue since the one before that is my unacknowledged review. x.x

So you say that it's like Cabin in the Woods and your chapters are already up on EqD? Wow, I didn't know that. Anyhoo, I guess the reason your fic hasn't been claimed is because there's not a lot of people that like HiE and Grimdark and have each chapter be over most people's limit. This story is probably over 50k in total and would take a bit of time for anyone that claims it. Reviewers don't normally like really long HiEs, but I'm sure your story isn't that terrible if it's already on EqD. It's quite hard to get a HiE up there, last I checked.

But geez, I didn't realize you were waiting nearly a month already. Ouch, that reflects poorly on the Training Grounds. I apologize profusely for that. Because of your excessive wait and the fact that you were nice about a reminder, I shall claim your story and start reading it right away. I'll have to read the first four chapters so I know what's happening of course, and then I'll get started on Chapter five.

I hope you don't mind that I'm your reviewer. I'll try to be as quick as possible. So Official claim for Black Equinox. Muwahwahwah.

>>99727
>> No. 103606
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103606
>>103597
I was one before that addressed the topic about taking fics that had been posted first in priority to others, and I have taken a few that were high up on your list, but I couldn't dedicate the time to yours. I'm sure that through your first 4 chapters I would have had things to say about it, but you only requested your 5th chapter to be reviewed. It would take up too much time for me to read something JUST to review something a lot later. Other reviewers have that kind of patience, but I certainly don't. You might want to revoke your submission and ask for all 5 chapters to be reviewed. A fic was posted a little after yours was which was 80k+ words, and someone took it.

I still have a 2.5k fic I need to review, and I just spent a BUNCH of time at my brothers graduation and haven't gotten a chance to really do much. People's lives are busy, so you have to take that into account.
>> No. 103607
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103607
>>103605
>>103606
Screw yyyooooouuuuu! This was your plan! Posting a second before me to make me look dumb! You are an abomination! A sickening piece of wasted space.

Jk. I won't make you sleep on the couch tonight.
>> No. 103612
>>103605

Oh, thank you!

Seriously thought, think nothing of it. People have lives, and I was really conflicted about posting that in case it were disrespectful.

And don't worry about speed. Believe me: I can wait X-]

Yeah, technically when I sent it to EQD, it got in under "Adventure" and "Sci-Fi" tags. Though it got in with Chapter 2 HEAVILY suggesting a ninja-HiE story beneath the mystery.

I figured I'd represent it here a little more honestly after thinking about it. The story itself is more "dark" than "grimdark," but it has moments —present or planned— with pretty grim implications of things happening to anonymous ponies, and I figure if movies are rated by their most extreme content, what makes a fic any different?

Hell, there's even a scene in a later chapter where someone is slowly crushed to death. It's probably the worst thing I've got planned for the story. Not described in a gory manner other than the mention of blood (they get themselves caught between two giant gears), but the idea alone probably warrants caution.

>>103606

Oh yeah, end of semester stuff. Forgot to mention that.

Huh... So you think people would more willingly review an entire piece than just one chapter? Never considered that. I actually thought by offering just the one chapter that people might be less intimidated. Makes you think, I guess...

Either way, thanks for the words, and sorry about getting ninja'd :-(
>> No. 103613
>>103607
Oh my! Somepony's lost their cool...

BTW, how were you able to post after falcon-punching your computer?
>> No. 103616
>>103612

I'd say that the only way it'd be more enticing is if you only wanted chapter 1 to get reviewed. If you offer a later chapter, people expect to find the chapters that came before. Asking to get the entire fic reviewed when it's over 10k usually leads to slow responses. If it's over 50k, the people normally just read the first few chapters. If you fix up those mistakes, then you can resubmit and ask the same person to review the later chapters.

Semi-unrelated note, I've got to finish that Moonlight Sonata story. It's a shame the author never got back to me on that. Oh well.
>> No. 103617
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103617
>>103607
This is why I never stop checking this thread. I'm sorry but this made me laugh so hard I may have torn one of my abdominals.
>> No. 103621
>>103574
Oh dear, well, that's awkward.
My apologies and ill get on that right away.
>> No. 103622
>>103532
Apologies, but your review is taking longer than I expected. It turns out I have a lot more to say on your story than I anticipated. I expect to finish it by tomorrow night, but it may take me one more. If you want, you can take a look at the first part of my doc comments while you wait.
>> No. 103634
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103634
Tags: Adventure (so far)

Synopsis

Many of us have heard about Star Swirl the Bearded, one of the greatest unicorns to wander Equestria's soils. But what is his story? Where was he born, how did he grow up? What was he doing during the creation of Equestria? What was his actions during the reign of Discord? How was he involved in the creation of Nightmare Moon? And what is his standing with the elements of balance and the three gods? But most importantly:

How can he still be alive?

List of links to the story:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dk-CHusFvDp-P5cRdVAUuQ1ddpAuw_lf6uqxvvLHa-4/edit (The Chapter in Question)

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8291/The-Story-of-Star-Swirl-The-Bearded (The Entire Fic)

Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed
The first chapter

Comments/requests:
First: Very sorry about my grammar in this post.
This story is one I have worked on for a long time, an only recently found people to, although slowly, help me editing it. (I don’t blame them, the grammar mistakes in here was huge). Now, finally, after a tour through 2 editors, 2 proofreaders and one reviewer, is the first, of six, chapter more or less finished to be updated at FimFiction.

Or, it should be, should not Minjask6572 have told me that it still needs a lot of work. He recommended me to send it here, and I hope I can get the help I need here.

After having, hopefully, fixed what I can that he pointed out, it’s still one thing I would want the one reading it to look over extra, and that is, taken from the review by Mnijask6572: The phoenix makes no sense at all. He/it feels more like some lost soul left to wander through eternity than an astral spirit. And he reveals so much information you’d think Star actually was supposed to be there.

Lastly, I would like to ask a question. Where is the most likely place that I could find a proofreader who has time to go through a fic that sometimes is full with grammatical errors? And how long time does it take to proofread a chapter at around 10 k words that got grammar mistakes at the range of medium to semi high?
>> No. 103646
>>103634
I refrain from asking somepony to be gentle when looking at this because that would defeat the whole purpose of criticism, but I would like to give anypony that looks at this a heads up. The reason the grammar is so bad is because Faindragon isn't a native English speaker. I had figured it out myself, but he told me after the review.
>> No. 103648
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103648
>>103450
Claiming this because Pinkie requested that I review this story specifically; which makes me happy because people actually LIKE my reviews.

Minja, I had planned to get to your story sooner, but I had forgotten I had a graduation to attend. My dear brother graduated Highschool. It brought tears to mai eyes
>Pic somehow related.
>> No. 103661
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103661
>>103506

>Pic

I'm not going to lie. This is really, really bad. It's not so much your writing style (Even though that's part of it) as much as it is the plot.

I'll post some specific examples of grammar, plot, and writing style, but I didn't do much. I stopped doing that halfway through once I realize it really didn't matter since the entire plot was just. Ugh. I don't wish to be rude, but there's not a lot I can say about this.

Grammar:

>“Yeah” I said
comma here, because 'I said' is an independent clause.

>“What is it this time Twilight?
Comma after time

>“A muffin.” I answered
comma after muffin, because 'I answered' correlates directly with the previous statement.

>Pinkie Pie was my usual guinea pig before you came along but getting a straight answer out of
comma after along, before but

Yeah, not much with grammar because I started focusing on plot a lot more. Let's take some specific examples.

Plot:

>A special request has been made
You told me that your readers had requested the story, yet your first person narrative follows Sunspot. This breaks the fourth wall, and while it's common for Pinkie to do in the show, I don't suggest you do it here. I think this paragraph should be taken out.

>Actually I had cleared the clouds; she lounged on her favorite one and instructed me on how to rearrange the sky.
You made RD sound like a total bitch, honestly. Let's just lounge around on a cloud and let this ONE PONY do all of the work. In your previous story you had them all cool together. 'I'd never leave Ponyville hanging' -RD. And I don't think she'd leave her friends hanging, either.

>“Hey! I am a dragon after all, I need my sleep sometimes,” Spike called from across the room.
You add Spike in so suddenly, and seemingly for no reason.

>"Because, if I can recreate it, then once I figure out how to open the portal to your world, I can turn others into ponies too, so they won’t be running around as humans
This seems sort of cynical. 'Let's open a portal to another world, INVITE people in then completely change them even if they don't want to change. Because it's ethical.'

>Suddenly her horn grew even brighter
Hawt. Also, how can she do this? Justify it.

>I could feel myself liquefying, and getting smaller for some reason. When it all finally stopped, I could tell something had gone horribly wrong.
No shit

>Liquefying
So, he's turning to a puddle of water, because you suggest nothing else otherwise.

>and a pink hoof shot out and tossed me up into the air as I suddenly realized what must have happened.
So he's a cupcake now. But you never suggest this. You say he's just liquefying.

>“Calm down Twilight, I’m fine; I'm just in a bit of a sticky situation.” (<Insert better joke here)
Don't insert joke at all. If I were him I would have just been completely freaked out that I had just been EATEN BY MY APPOSED GIRLFRIEND (Or at least you suggest this romantic relationship in the last story)

>“I’m so sorry Sunspot; I’ll never touch another cupcake ever again.” She sobbed.
YEAH, PINKIE PIE NOT HAVING CUPCAKES? LOLNO

Your first story was pretty much guy (Which seems like a self-insert if I ever saw one) talks to Pinkie Pie over the internet and brings him into Equestria through the TV where they fall in love after he turns into a pony. This story has been done a million times, and this time it's not even done well. Everyone loves your character, and Pinkie Pie immediately falls in love with him. Mary Sue, bro. That's not gonna fly.

Your SECOND story, which is the one I am officially reviewing is just really bad. I don't say that out of malice, I say that out of truthfulness.

Twilight explains this theory that ponies have this spectra or whatever and tries to turn him back into a pony for the sheer purpose of opening a portal to Earth and changing everyone that passes through to ponies. Then you proceed to turn him into a cupcakes where Pinkie comes OUT OF NOWHERE just to advance the plot, and eats him. Then she coughs him back up. That's it. Nothing more. Then she just cries. Not only that in the beginning RD is a bitch. So, characters are pretty OoC here, I don't give a care about what happens to your character because he's a sue, and a lot of things were just predictable. Nothing latches onto me. It's all just silliness without justification. You also never explain more about Twilight's plan, which was the only interesting thing to me.

Scrap everything.
>> No. 103682
>>103159
>> No. 103694
Author: benxlabs
Tags: Adventure, Human, Sad
Description: He's just your average teenage high school student: Depressed, lonely, and prepared to end his own life. Well, maybe not so average. But that's not the point. His life gets worse and worse, until he can take it no more. He commits suicide. Well, tries to anyway. The events that ensue are wilder than he could have ever imagined.
Links:
Fimfiction: http://bit.ly/JyuNz7
Google Doc (Includes BBC code, sorry): http://bit.ly/JIWSTr

So yeah...
>> No. 103695
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103695
>>103661
Oh you, you so silly. Of course it's really bad, I already knew it needed work, that's why I sent it here.
It's only a first pass.

Thank you so much for the help with the grammar, I've never had a keen eye for that, although I do try.

I honestly don't see the problem with the first person narrative. Unless you had the same problem with MLD or Background Pony I can't see any grounds for that accusation.

> Let's just lounge around on a cloud and let this ONE PONY do all of the work.
Um...
>This had become a hobby of mine lately. I was all too happy to help Rainbow after she had taught me to fly; it was the least I could do.
I thought I had covered that.

> You add Spike in so suddenly, and seemingly for no reason.
Well duh, didn't you read Twilight's remark?
>getting a straight answer out of her is like trying to get Spike to wake up early.”
I couldn't just have him sit there.

>This seems sort of cynical.
Okay you've got a point there, but that's easily fixed. I just need to make it clearer what her real intent was, or change it. No problem at all.

> So, he's turning to a puddle of water, because you suggest nothing else otherwise.
Well I gotta make the batter before I can bake the cake. You sure don't know how to bake cupcakes silly.

> So he's a cupcake now. But you never suggest this. You say he's just liquefying.
Um...
>Heya Twilight, how’s the cupcakes coming? OOH, this one looks really tasty
>To my horror, Pinkies eyes darted to me she said this
Honestly, sometimes I think you ponies treat these as individual sentences, instead of one whole story.

> Don't insert joke at all. If I were him I would have just been completely freaked out
I wouldn't, I trust Twilight, and so does he.
>But she always managed to put me back together afterwards, so I had faith that by the end of the day I’d at least be a pony again.
It's not like this is the first time he's been at the wrong end of Twilight's experiments. But if you do want to hear about the first time I'd be more than happy to provide it for you.

> YEAH, PINKIE PIE NOT HAVING CUPCAKES? LOLNO
You can't honestly tell me you've never said you'd never do something again and then done it again later.

> Pinkie comes OUT OF NOWHERE
>Pinkie was all too eager to bake some cupcakes for me, especially after I told her I was experimenting on them.
Don't try to tell me you wouldn't want to come see what was being done with your cupcakes.

> Then she coughs him back up.
Ha-ha no, that would be silly. Then he'd be a big mess all over the floor. No Twilight teleported him out.

> Pinkie Pie immediately falls in love with him.
No, not quite immediately. He'd been talking to her for a while online. She just really liked the way he looked as a pony, as did just about everyone except for AJ and Twilight.

> Mary Sue, bro. That's not gonna fly.
Okay, I see what you're saying there, but that's still a superficial judgement call. It's my fault really, obviously, but the only part about him that they really like is the way he looks. So the guy's a hunk, sue me, and while you're at it go sue Taylor Laughtner for being so attractive to girls.
I had planned to expand on his character a bit, but just never got around to it, and I hadn't seen the need because the story itself was so good, or at least I thought so. But that's why I brought it here.

> You also never explain more about Twilight's plan
That's because the title is "The Cupcake Incident", not "Twilight's Experiments." Twilight's merely a plot device in this story, not a main character.

> Scrap everything.
Don't make me laugh. If walt Disney had listened to that messaged every time he heard it... well, do I really need to explain that one?

Thanks for looking at it anyway. Hey do you know where I can send this where somepony might help me fix it? I guess a Review board, as opposed to and Editing board, wasn't the best choice for a first pass.
>> No. 103701
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103701
>>103695
There's a difference between an idea that salvageable and one that you need to scrap and start over. I'm not saying give up on writing, that's not it at all. The trick is being able to figure out what works and what doesn't, and learning when to move on. I'm pretty any professional author has scraped a story idea at least once after they wrote some of it. 'Someone who never made a mistake never tried anything new' -Albert Einstein. While this also applies to fixing your mistakes with the story itself, I think 'trying something new' in this instance is trying a different story.

>Honestly, sometimes I think you ponies treat these as individual sentences, instead of one whole story.
Yes, I was able to infer later on that he was a cupcake, but how you described him before as he 'liquefied' is rather confusing and suggests nothing other than him turning into a pile of mush. THEN you go straight to the fact that he's a cupcake. It's like a magical transformation that is never mentioned at all. If it's not easy for a reader to infer something then you need to check it. It took me some time to realize what had happened and I had to read it over again.

>No, not quite immediately. He'd been talking to her for a while online. She just really liked the way he looked as a pony, as did just about everyone except for AJ and Twilight.
Go read a story called 'Flutterheart'. Or any HiE shipfic in existance.

>So the guy's a hunk, sue me, and while you're at it go sue Taylor Laughtner for being so attractive to girls.
Taylor Lautner is a real person. This is fiction, and you have to uphold a foundation of believability. You know why all the women swoon over him? He's an actor, a singer, a model, and not to mention a martial artist. What does Sunspot got? Not much. You can't make comparison's between real people and fiction, because reality is already real and believable. With fiction you have to work for that believability.

>You can't honestly tell me you've never said you'd never do something again and then done it again later.
making cupcakes is a definitive trait of Pinkie Pie's. She lives at Sugarcube Corner. It's like saying that I won't I'll stop breathing because water went down the wrong pipe.

>Ha-ha no, that would be silly. Then he'd be a big mess all over the floor. No Twilight teleported him out.
Honestly, I started skimming at that point, so I won't deny you on this fact.

>I wouldn't, I trust Twilight, and so does he.
Any logical person would flail their arms up in distress if they realized they were traveling down the esophagus of anyone. You automatically go into fight or flight despite the other factors in the situation. It's your body's and mind's natural reaction to situations where death could be imminent. Even if he was a guy that was mellow and wouldn't freak out, I still wouldn't be making lame jokes anyways.

>I couldn't just have him sit there.
Yes, you could. You could have played it off as if he were upstairs. You add a purpose for him being there, but it's not enough justification. He's unimportant to the scene and doesn't even add any depth to it.

>I thought I had covered that.
I don't feel it's enough justification. But that's your ultimate call.

>That's because the title is "The Cupcake Incident", not "Twilight's Experiments." Twilight's merely a plot device in this story, not a main character.

She is a main character, because the reader will automatically perceive it that way. Sunspot and Twilight are the two leading roles in this story as the sequel itself. If Twilight is ONLY a plot device, then that suggests the only reason you did anything was to get him eaten by Pinkie Pie.

>Don't try to tell me you wouldn't want to come see what was being done with your cupcakes.
The timing just happens to be so incredibly perfect. It stretches believability. I suggest you add more things to it as to why this specific time.

>I honestly don't see the problem with the first person narrative. Unless you had the same problem with MLD or Background Pony I can't see any grounds for that accusation.

The only problem with it is the fact that your character seems like a self-insert. That's why it seems so 'fitting' for a generic bad, OC story.

>Gif somehow related.
>> No. 103709
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103709
>>103701
Ah now we're getting somewhere.

The original story I'll admit is a bit generic, but I really don't feel like taking it down. I tried not to make it a self insert. My original intent was to make it so the reader would insert themselves, but I understand that that utterly failed as well.

>It's like a magical transformation that is never mentioned at all. If it's not easy for a reader to infer something then you need to check it. It took me some time to realize what had happened and I had to read it over again.
Ok, that makes sense. I'll fix that.

>It's like saying that I won't I'll stop breathing because water went down the wrong pipe.
I was hoping the fact that she's completely distraught over having accidentally eaten her friend would have covered that, but it was only thrown in to help the joke following it anyway. I'm not so secretly really bad at humor

>Any logical person would flail their arms up in distress
>Even if he was a guy that was mellow and wouldn't freak out, I still wouldn't be making lame jokes anyways.
Shall I label him as a nut then? You've got a bit of a point there, but I need to re-iterate that this wasn't his first disaster with Twilight. And for the lame jokes thing, this was an attempt at comedy. Granted it failed miserably, the jokes are still an intentional distraction for Pinkie Pie. Sunspot is trying tokeep her from freaking out, so Twilight can quickly fix the matter. It's a trick I've seen EMTs use all the time, which also adds to my point that if you've been in a situation enough times, it doesn't phase you anymore. My dad's an EMT; he tells me about these things.

>The timing just happens to be so incredibly perfect. It stretches believability. I suggest you add more things to it as to why this specific time.
Ok thanks, I'll work on that.
>> No. 103722
>>103709
Disclaimer: haven't read the story, but I know the kind of EMT situation you're talking about, and if I've been lurking through the conversation properly I have something useful to add.

Since your story is first person you have the opportunity to show both the outside presentation of calm and the outright terror he's feeling within.
>> No. 103723
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103723
>>103722
An excellent suggestion! Why didn't I think of that? It shall be fixed straight away. Err, at least when I'm finished doing other things, and lurking of course.
>> No. 103728
Title: Beohoof the Warrior
Author Name: Trixie's Hat
Tags: [Adventure] [Crossover]
Synopsis: In days long past, tales were told of legendary ponies. The Elements of Harmony gave their guidance to those who would be destined for great deeds. One of these, Beohoof the Warrior, claimed his glory in the defeat of many monsters. What follows here is his tale.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sWdSC0zix_j7rxIR3DdnNCg5jFVpCltx0IUSMMf7i_s/edit

Comments: Golden Vision recommended I send this fic here, and to "make clear its unique format." The fic is written in the form of an epic poem, with a sort of "literary textbook" framing device. I'm just looking for general feedback, nothing really specific.
>> No. 103749
>>102819 >>102831
Okay, the new version you posted is in some funky corner of GDocs that doesn't have any sort of toolbars or comments. I checked that previous version, and it's fine, so... I don't know what happened. Long story short—you get a nice, long review post in TTG that makes things a little more difficult for both of us. To the review!

Detailed Items:
>It begins at the end, with them dying in the middle of a cloudless summer’s night.
"dying in..." is a gerund phrase. It acts like a noun, and is the object of the preposition "with." As such, there's no function in the sentence for the pronoun "them." Gerunds take possessive modifiers, so you'd properly use "their" instead of "them." This is a very common error that 99.9% of readers will never catch if you leave it as is. It's easier to spot the correct usage when the gerund is a single word:
wrong: I like mom cooking.
correct: I like mom's cooking.

When the gerund becomes quite long, your brain wants to see it as a subject-verb structure, which is why so many people make this mistake. Correct examples are rare enough that they will look wrong to most readers. It's your call whether you want to be 100% correct or fudge it for the sake of blending in with the crowd.

This may just be me, but the phrasing "in the middle of a cloudless summer's night" strikes me as odd. You usually see "in the middle of the night," which admittedly wouldn't work here, so maybe just rephrase it.

Whew! one comment down.

>The last week of their lives were spent in Manehattan, a large and beautiful city located in the northeastern part of the Equestrian Kingdom.
Subject/verb number disagreement. Your subject is "week" (singular) and your verb is "were" plural. Equestrian Kingdom? Just use Equestria, unless you're going for some alternate universe. It's ruled by Princesses. There's no king, hence no kingdom. If you want to use a technical term, go for principality.

>Manehattan contained many notable landmarks such as Saddleson Square Garden, the Equestrian State Building, the Manehattan Public Library, and the Mareiott Hotel, a five story hotel renowned for its luxurious accommodations.
Recommend a comma after "landmarks." "five-story" should be hyphenated.

>It would be here that Twilight and her friends would die in an accident that would be announced in newspapers throughout the kingdom.
Why the tense change? You've gone from past to a type of future tense.

>The elevator binging died away as the doors opened with a slight hiss.
"elevator's" This is another possessive/gerund instance, but one that should be easier to recognize as wrong.

>I have a reservation at the Turnip Garden at five...
Recommend a comma after this clause.

>Well, you can start by calming down, We know how ya get when it comes to your schedules.
You seem undecided about whether you wanted one or two sentences here, based on the punctuation/capitalization mismatch. Two is better in this case. Change the second comma to a period. If you instead make the "We" lower-case and keep the comma, you'll have a comma splice, which is basically two complete sentences tacked together with a comma. This is an error, but certain subversive elements say it's acceptable in dialogue. I say, "Poppycock!" Punctuation in dialogue is the author's/transcriber's way of communicating how the dialogue was said. The speaker doesn't say a comma. The speaker pauses. There are multiple ways to punctuate a pause, so why presume one that is incorrect? You can have correct punctuation and still preserve the way something is spoken.

>Twilight felt two hooves wrapped around her head.
Hooves are equivalent to hands. Would you say someone felt two hands wrapped around his head? You'd probably use "arms" instead. I'd suggest using "forelegs," or "arms" if you're someone who doesn't like strict adherence to pony words.

>Twilight hollered.
Not sure that's a word I'd use to describe Twilight's speech.

>She felt Applejack squeezing her grip.
A grip is something that squeezes, so there's some redundant information here.

>Now, yer going to tell—
Watch Applejack's accent. A little goes a long way. Too much makes it difficult to read. I'll clip the g's off of -ing words, but for the most part it's about word choice and colorful expressions.

>...Applejack released Twilight from the vise she had her in...
dangling preposition. "in" has no object. You can give it one (from the vise in which she had her) or avoid the issue by rephrasing (from her viselike grip, for example).

>“Heh, heh. Sorry about that,” Twilight grabbed the key from her saddlebags and unlocked the door to their room.
End the quote with a period. By using a comma, you're signaling that you're going to transition out to some narration that contains a speaking verb, but you don't have one. You also just used the phrase "unlocked the door to their room" in the previous sentence. It's repetitive.

>Wake me when you slowpokes are!
Phrasing feels strange. I'd recommend adding more to the sentence ("are" is just begging for a continuation) or add emphasis to "you" to make the meaning clearer.

>So what if there’s a few places where it’s sticking out?
Subject/verb number disagreement. Subject ("there," referring to "places," plural), verb ("is," singular). Use "there are." That said, you're allowed grammatical errors in speech if you believe the speaker would make such an error.

>Rainbow’s irises shrank...
Actually, her pupils are what shrank. Her irises would have thickened for that to happen.

>What the?
I imagine her speech is getting cut off here. Recommend a dash. Reviewers will give you different opinions bout whether to keep the question mark when you're using a dash. I'd use it.

>“Your mane is a mess,” Twilight said from the bathroom.
I'm not convinced Twilight would give a rat's ass about this.

>grabbing the doorway of the bathroom
Try to avoid these indirect structures where possible. "...grabbing the bathroom's doorframe..." is more direct an flows more smoothly.

>Beads of sweat formed on her forehead as she stiffened her body.
You just ended the previous sentence with an "as" clause. It sticks out when the repetition of structure occurs so close together.

>"We... have... no... time... for... this... Rainbow," Twilight said in-between each yank of Rainbow’s tail.
I don't thing this creates the sound you want. An ellipsis implies that the speech trails off gradually. You could describe how she's speaking in the narration instead, but I think the clearest way would be to use periods, as if each word were a separate sentence. Lose the hyphen.

>armpit
Ah, I see you aren't a strict adherent to pony words after all. You could go for the ribs if you like, but this is fine. By the way, why did they need one of Fluttershy's feathers? That would hurt to pluck. Surely Rarity could just use her hoof use her magic to brush Dash's coat lightly and get the same effect.

>she shrieked before she pulled her foreleg in, allowing Twilight to pull Rainbow into the restroom.
Repetitive use of "pull." "foreleg." Hm. Now I'm not sure about the last comment. Are you going all-in for pony words or not?

>A goofy smile spread across her race as her eyes gazed towards the ceiling.
I assume you mean "face," or there are a lot of pegasi smiling at once. Her eyes gazed? youdontsay.jpg. Rephrase to avoid unneeded information.

>Do ya’ mind if I ask what’s in the bag?
Why the apostrophe? You don't use it elsewhere, and ther aren't any missing letters.

>“It’s just a couple of animal care books. I found a recipe in one of them for birds with sore wings. It’s supposed to help them heal faster. I think it will be very useful.”
I'm not getting much body language from Fluttershy in this scene. Sell this quote to me. Show me her attitude. Is she excited, or is she trying to argue a point?

>“I wonder what’s taking them so long,” she asked.
If she asked it, why is there no question mark?

>Fluttershy set her brush down and pulled out of the books.
I think you're missing a "one."

>“What?” Rainbow growled.
Look at a couple of paragraphs before and after this line. There is a lot of repetitive subject-verb sentence structure.

>“I’m glad they didn’t.”
It took me a minute to figure out that Dash is speaking here, but her reaction while saying it would be very revealing of her mood. Show me how she says it. Body language, posture, eyes, etc.

>This... never... happened...
Same comment as the previous time you used ellipses like this.

>set her saddlebags back on her.
Ambiguous phrasing. I'm not sure whether the saddlebags are going on Dash or Twi.

>hotel
Wait... At the end of the preceding scene, you called it an apartment. Which is it?

At this point, let me say that you need to watch your indentation. It gets inconsistent in this scene.

>“We’re sorry if we were any problem,” he said as he began to walk away.
Watch the usage of "start" or "begin" actions. It's only necessary to use those verbs when you want to call attention to an action that gets interrupted or otherwise doesn't finish. This one does.

>She and the six girls dashed outside the hotel and into the crowded streets of Manehattan.
Use "out of" instead of "outside." "Out of" better communicates a change of location in this case. You'd have been fine if you left out "the hotel," because then "outside" could be an adverb, which can indicate a change of position. As it is, you've used it as a preposition, which tends to indicate a static position, as if they were already outside and just started running out there.

>Mc-Meanie-Pants
Don't use hyphens here. Names don't need them in most instances.

>Twilight brushed a few bits of gravel off of her coat.
Gravel? In an urban area? Even so, a pony's coat is awfully short to pick up gravel. I could see gravel dust, maybe.

>the location of the fancy restaurant
Unnecessary indirect structure again. "...the fancy restaurant's location."

>The building itself was lost behind the crowd in front of them.
The juxtaposition of "behind" and "in front of" makes for odd phrasing. Recommend something like "The crowd in front of them obscured their view of the building itself."

>She followed Rarity into the restaurant.
Minor point, but she followed all of them, since she was holding the door. No need to single out Rarity.

>slightly
Slightly, somewhat, a little, a bit... Use such phrases and words sparingly. They've become pet peeves for some reviewers.

>The six mares...
You already called out the number in the previous sentence. You don't need it again.

>...and told them that a waiter would be with them shortly.
Why not have him say so directly? No need to avoid it. It adds to the scene's realism and is a minor investment of words.

>“I thought you lived in Manehattan when you were a filly?” Rarity pointed out.
That's not really a question.

>I don’t see anything on here that I ate back back in the day.
Read that. Then fix it.

>...catching the attention of several nearby tables.
That's pretty remarkable when even inanimate objects notice.

>After she finished writing, she told them that their meals would be out in ten minutes as she left the table.
Again, you can have her say this. I could see skipping the actual ordering (though it would be interesting to see what dishes you invent), but telling them that their food will be out shortly is a quick thing that just helps with the atmosphere. Also, note that the hostess said a "waiter" would be with them, when in fact it's a waitress.

>Welcome-back-to-Ponyville party
Capitalize "Back" and "Party" as well.

>What do you think?
Seems a little OOC to me. She probably rambles on with her nonsense until someone stops her.

>“Come now, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity chided.
"Chided" doesn't quite work as a speaking verb. Here's why: "chide" can take a direct object, but its object will be the person being chided, not the words that do so. A speaking verb needs to be able to take the quotation as a direct or indirect object.

>Oh boy, ya shoulda seen the look on your face when she said that RD!
RD is an instance of direct address, wherein one character calls another by name, reference, or title. Direct address must be set off with commas.

>she chuckled
I could buy this one a little more, but still a borderline choice of speaking verb.

>“Three rose-petal salads with water,” she began as she set the tray onto the support.
Note that the use of "as" implies that the actions are simultaneous. Is she setting the tray down with her mouth? If so, how is she speaking?

>“Whoa!” Twilight said. “That’s a lot of croutons.”
>“You have mine, darling.” Rarity switched salads with her.
Huh? They ordered the same thing, and Rarity didn't ask for extra croutons.

>The bowl was set in front of her.
Needlessly passive voice. It has its place, but avoid it where possible. Passive voice happens when the subject of the sentence isn't the person/thing performing the action. Red flags inlcude "was <verbed>" and "was <verbed> by" phrasings.

>“Fettuccine Alfredo,” the waitress corrected...
Another weak choice of speaking verb. The direct object that "correct" takes will be the error or the person making the error, not the action taken to fix it.

>Applejack nodded as the glass of juice was placed in front of her.
Needlessly passive voice again.

>Metaphysics? Politics?
Are these titles, or is she speaking with emphasis? If emphasis, then italicize the question marks as well.

>We’re deeply sorry Twilight, ...
Direct address again. Commas needed on both sides.

>...things,” Rarity spoke up before looking at a nearby clock.
"Speak up" is intransitive, so it can't be a speaking verb.

>apartment
Again with this. Is it an apartment or a hotel room?

>A mare needs her beauty sleep after all.
Needs a comma after "sleep."

>The pedestrian traffic had died down since the girls had arrived.
"Girls" is fine, but just wondered if you'd rather use "mares."

>Pinkie eyes
Pinkie's

>There were about a dozen ponies inside the little ice cream parlor.
Repetitive use of "inside."

>“Thanks for the ice cream Twilight,” Pinkie chirped as she and Applejack started licking their cone.
Direct address needs a comma, and "chirped" is a unique enough word that it's more noticeable when it's repeated. You've used it recently enough that it feels repetitive.

>It wasn’t the best soft serve she’s had, but it was pretty darn good.
she'd

>Bu... but
When repeating a word as if stuttering, use a hyphen: Bu-but.

>“Uhh... yeah!” said Applejack in shock as she leaned close into Fluttershy’s ear.
Beware the difference between "in to" and "into." Don't assume you can always combine them into one word. In this case, it would mean Applejack got inside Fluttershy's ear.

>The rest of the mares began to pack.
Watch that "began" again.

>In their haste, they had forgotten to turn off the iron.
A bit over-the-top. Better to imply it that say it outright.

>“Spike, can you please find my Divination for Dummies book please?
Book titles arre underlined or in italics, and I gather you've chosen italics from the previous instances here. Since you're already in italics in this line, the proper thing to do is un-italicize the title.

>“Sure thing, Twilight,” Spike climbed up the ladder.
You need a speaking verb according to the way you've punctuated it.

>Neightownian Physics
Given thatit's not a title in this case, there's no reason to capitalize "physics."

>At the same time, Spike fell backwards off the ladder, hitting his head on the wooden floor beneath.
I think you want "below" instead of "beneath," as your choice specifically means the bit of floor directly under the ladder, which would require him to fall around the side of it.

>...Twilight felt the room...
...Twilight felt that the room...

>...she threw it open and saw a large crowd was gathered...
Either lose "was" or add a "that" before it.

>Get up all of you!
Direct address needs a comma.

>...she dragged herself across the floor.
Repetitive use of "drag."

>Rainbow picked her up from behind and set her on her back.
The last "her" is ambiguous. Is Fluttershy on her own back, or is Dash carrying her? I'm also completely stymied as to what's wrong with Fluttershy.

>Where’s the fire at?
Never dangle an "at." Other prepositions may be excusable in the right situation, but this one's just grating. Delete it or givve a longer description ("Where'd the fire start?" or "Where has the fire spread?" for example).
>> No. 103750
>>102819 >>102831 >>103749
GENERAL COMMENTS
Style:
Not too much to say on this. You tend a little toward repetitive words, phrases, and sentence structure, but it wasn't bad. I did appreciate how you kept the sentences mostly short and clipped during the action scene, which is the correct way to do it. It's even harder to keep up a good variation in the structure of short sentences, though.

I only caught you doing "talking heads" a couple of times (back-and-forth dialogue with little or no action to break it up), but you did rely pretty excluseively on coarse actions. Toss in a little more of the finer actions like body language, posture, and expressiveness of face, eyes, and ears to add a bit of flavor. In fact, it's a good idea to do that in general as it aids in show-vs-tell. For the most part, you did a pretty good job of it.

Characters:
Can't really fault you on much here, but again watch Applejack's accent, and don't have her come across as dumb. She isn't. Twilight seemed a little too timid in places. And please tell me you weren't going for a pun on burnt Sienna. If so, that was bad, and you should feel bad.

Plot:
Right. You've got a job to do in convincing me of several things.

1. Pegasi are known to be able to carry quite a bit of weight. Fluttershy's no heavy lifter, but she can carry Dash without a problem. Even with Shy out of commission, Dash could have ferried the other five out the window one by one without any trouble. Give me a reason why this wouldn't work. I realize that might negate your rescue of Sienna, but there are other ways to bring her into play.

2. For that matter, why is Shy out?

3. Smoke alarm didn't wake any of them up? That is what it's for, after all.

4. Fire burns outward from its source, and goes up more easily, unless something collapses to allow it a quick path down. That is to say, since they were on the floor above where the fire began, their floor should have been one of the worst ones, and once they got down a couple of floors, they should have had an easier time of it. If they weren't up very high to begin with, then I could see the fire's source on the second floor, which is the one collapsing into the lobby. but then, it would have been even simpler for Dash to fly them all down, or for someone to reach them with a ladder from outside.

Here's the other issue I had: the scenes leading up to the fire were cute and gave me a nice little slice-of-life feel. However, what purpose do they serve? You could have started just before the fire with a very brief explanation of what they were doing in Manehattan, and it wouldn't take anything away from the plot. There needs to be some tie-in so that those initial scenes carry a meaning that is important to the message. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're planning to do so in a later chapter, but keep it in mind.

And why are you calling this a prologue? If the opening scenes do have tie-in later, this has plenty of length to be a chapter.

I was unclear of whether the short opening two paragraphs were an actual scene or your draft of a synopsis. As a scene, it isn't working. It's kind of a framing device that never gets picked up again after that first page.

You asked for specific help with developing the sad, but... there's no sad here. I definitely see it as heading in that direction, but so far we have some d'aww best friends stuff, a bit of comedy, and an action scene. So there's really nothing I can help you with yet on that front.

You've also blown any sort of suspense you could have built by already divulging through the title, synopsis, and opening to the prologue that they all die in a fire. While the action scene was engaging, I did spend much of the prologue wanting to cut to the chase since I already knew that the nice night out and attempt to escape were meaningless. The jury's still out on Sienna.

I'm going to go ahead and skim what you've got for chapter one, but it doesn't sound like it's in a state where you're ready for a review.

On the whole, not a bad read, but just feels like everything's too detached and incomplete. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 103754
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103754
>>102206
You'll find a lot of stuff in my doc comments; the other set of comments on the story regarding grammar and mechanics should help you too. Now I'll put some of the more persistent errors here too:

>Spacing.
I greatly prefer the double spaced method on computer screens over indentation. Either way, it's a personal preference as both are fine.

>Font.
I suggest you pick something different personally. There's nothing wrong with whichever one this is, but the letters look a little funny to me. My personal favorite is Cambria, but w/e works for you.

>Ellipses
You have far too many of these. They simply aren't effective if you have as many of them as you do here. Remember that the "..." should be used when you're having a character pause for a considerable amount of time, or someone is trailing off. Interruptions in dialog are done with an em-dash. In narration the ellipsis is almost exclusively used to indicate a scene change. I think I've marked all of the ones I thought could use some re-thinking.


>colons
Yeah, way too many of these too.


>Dash
You only say Rainbow Dash once or twice throughout your entire story. I think it's important for you to use her full name or the first part of it at least a little bit more, even if only for simple variety.

It took me a long time to really get into your story. Partly I believe this was due to the number of comments I was making on the first half, and partly because I found it difficult to figure out exactly what kind of tone you were going for. It feels like you're a novice driver starting with a stick-shift for the first time. You jerk to a start-stop a lot at first, but once you get the hang of where you're going and you've figured out how to use the clutch properly you take off. I feel like that shift happens around the time Dash meets with Derring-Do the second time. From around that point onward I felt your story was a lot stronger and mush easier to go through.

I can certainly see why EqD rejected this; it still needs work. Still, you've got a solid idea and your execution isn't too far off the mark. Keep at it.
>> No. 103756
Title: March to the Scaffold
Author: Foxy Kimchi
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Sad, Dark, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot for trail. (The title, and the first chapter is loosely based off of the 4th movement of Symphonie Fantastique, March to the Scaffold, by Hector Berlioz. Chapter 2 was inspired by Beethoven's 5th symphony. Link on FimFiction).
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold
Comments: Rejected by EqD. All I was told was that it was rejected because of "basic grammatical errors". This puzzles me as 3 different editors and myself went over it multiple times. We need help finding these errors. Also, grammatical errors aside, does this story have the potential to be on EqD?
>> No. 103757
>>103749 >>103750
Ah! Thanks for the review! I almost forgot I had this going through again.

I have some questions, but I have work, so I'll ask you later.
>> No. 103761
>>103756

>Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot for trail.

>3 different editors and myself went over it

Did you mean to say "trial?" I really hope not, because how do you make a typo in a one-line synopsis?
>> No. 103764
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103764
>>103709
>The original story I'll admit is a bit generic, but I really don't feel like taking it down. I tried not to make it a self insert. My original intent was to make it so the reader would insert themselves, but I understand that that utterly failed as well.
As much as I hate them, to have the reader insert themselves, that is what a second person story is for, but with the current actions and perceptions of Sunspot, I'd see it hard for a reader to identify fully with him.

>Shall I label him as a nut then? blah blah conserving space because space
I understand that you're trying to fit in comedy, but the trick is putting it in at the right time. This is not it. As far as I can tell, this is the climax of your story and should bring the reader a little bit of worry for Sunspot. Making jokes so suddenly about it loses it. I think, if you want to play comedy, that you should put it in in between the time that he turns into a cupcake and when Pinkie arrives. That would hit two birds with one stone. It gives time so that Pinkie doesn't arrive so perfectly and that you're able to add comedy in.Then you break the comedy by your climax.

>eaten her friend
In your last story you make it sound like they're dating by the end of it. Sunspot DOES call her sexy and she's like 'ORLY?'
>> No. 103765
File 133787258822.gif - (1.41MB , 853x480 , mlfw1237_Twilight_Sparkle_nope_nope_nope.gif )
103765
>>103761
Maybe it's one of those 'trail' event things. Like everyone travels on a trail for the fun of magic and friendship an-

Nevermind
>Related Gif
>> No. 103767
File 133787542394.jpg - (6.18KB , 284x177 , nervous rarity.jpg )
103767
>>103491
Hello there. I'm claiming this story for review. It will be the first I have done, and I'm a bit nervous about this but I've got some free time and I'd like to help out a bit while I wait for my fic to be reviewed. Expect a review soon. If it seems I got something wrong please feel free to get a more experienced person on here to do a second opinion.

Please if I did this wrong please tell me
>> No. 103772
File 133787717642.png - (172.58KB , 640x360 , OhYeah.png )
103772
>>103767
Hey friend! I started reviewing only a few weeks ago and I was nervous about it to. I've rocked out about 12 fics or so if I remember correctly. You'll get the hang of it quick. If you can recognize key points that need to be fixed that will be good enough. Welcome to the team!

Good luck!

>Picture related, me being Pinkie pie and Fluttershy is you. But, you know. Stuff
>> No. 103780
File 133788613346.jpg - (104.35KB , 367x438 , AzuNyan08.jpg )
103780
>>103756
If it's just basic grammar, then I should be able to help. So I'll claim this.

A few things first:
>Submit it to the Queue
>If there's a Gdoc version (with comments enabled,) then please post a link here.
>If there isn't a Gdoc version, then I would appreciate it if you made one (you can copy it from the FimFic editor; I don't mind if you leave the BBCode in it.)
>> No. 103784
>>103754

>New Achievements Unlocked!
>"Tag-Team Battle" x5: One reviewer agreed with another reviewer's comment
>“Make Up Your Mind" x3: Used multiple variant spellings of the same word
>“...It's Not Even Wrong” x2: Used a word/phrase that was utterly inexplicable
>"...I Meant To Do That" x1: Writer response to a comment included a whiny excuse or justification
>"Friendly Fire Isn't" x1: Reviewer doubted or disagreed with another reviewer's comment

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Aj5BzWqq11gsdFFFZnZOUGoxd2g1cUpCS3dCNEp0OEE

There were multiple contributors, so you'll have share these. Also, my story contained more problems relating hyphens, ellipsis, commas, and capitalization than every other story I've reviewed to date combined. Interesting.

I'd like to deeply thank everyone who contributed. You caught a ton of stuff I never even considered. I already feel like this story has gotten way more attention than it deserves, and has received a lot of advice I should have already known about. Regardless of whether this makes it into EQD, I've learned a lot from this.

>I suggest you pick something different personally. There's nothing wrong with whichever one this is, but the letters look a little funny to me. My personal favorite is Cambria, but w/e works for you.
I’m not particularly attached to any given font. Whichever is easiest on the reader is fine with me. Unortunately, Fim Fiction is far less versatile than Google Docs. As far as I know, the only two fonts available there are "serif" and "sans serif." I'm not even sure which fonts they use for these.

>It feels like you're a novice driver starting with a stick-shift for the first time. You jerk to a start-stop a lot at first, but once you get the hang of where you're going and you've figured out how to use the clutch properly you take off.
On an amusing side-note, I am a novice driver who has never driven stick shift before. I’m sure I would pose a whiplash hazard if I did.
This seems like a much meatier problem. I’m not really sure how to address this, apart from rewriting the first two thirds o the story... and even then, I’m not sure if it would help.
I can think of one major turning point that occurs during Dash’s second encounter with Derring-Do: The story goes from being plot driven to character driven. Is it possible I’m just better at cheracterization than plots? If so, the only way to fix this story is for me to become a better writer. Which I’m all for, mind you... but it seems like a problem that goes beyond the scope of a single story.

Hm. I shall go through the comments and fix everything I can. After that, I shall meditate on larger changes. This is the second time I’ve had to make larger changes, and each time I seem to introduce more problems than I resolve.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go look up the exact defenition of the words "compound predicate."
>> No. 103787
File 133788988830.jpg - (444.79KB , 1468x1268 , AzuNyan11.jpg )
103787
>>103756
On the IRC, Cassius said that this was auto-rejected. Which means that the grammar errors were in your submission form.

But here are my thoughts:

>The synopsis need work. The notes in your synopsis are longer than the synopsis itself.

>The opening could be better, but I could've been worse. And the pacing starts to drag after awhile.
http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/episode-07-pacing

>Every sentence ends with a double space. Go to Find and replace in Gdocs and press the space bar twice under find and once under replace.

>With their heads held high, they marched with vigor, the younger bachelor soldiers ready to show off their war wounds to any mare they could find, or colts if they were into that.
I worry that some of your readers with Ragequit and starbomb because of that last part. But I could be wrong. I myself just found it to be unfunny.

>Oh(comma) how she regretted her failed invasion. ...
The whole paragraph that this is part of is Tell and it's recap. Anyone who's reading your fic has seen the season two finale.

Around the fourth Thump...Thump...Thump... I got bored and asked on the IRC about this fic. If you want me to review the rest, I will. But I'd prefer to do so in the comments of a Google Document.
>> No. 103789
File 133789244830.jpg - (5.93KB , 184x141 , rarity stare.jpg )
103789
>>103491
Ok first things first. Grammar isn't covered here, but I will say there were a ton of errors. Check the doc to see what I mean. That out of the way lets get onto the story itself.

First, I'd like to talk about the tone of the fic. At first it seemed like you were going to play the idea of having a gangster's son in Cheerilee's class. You played it straight which I can applaud, but then about halfway through you turned the tone of the story on its head, pushing for a comedic route instead. The fight scene between Cheerilee and Shady Business is fairly well done, but it plays out like a poorly translated 80s martial arts movie, which shatters any attempts at seriousness. If you meant for this to be taken seriously, well I'm sad to say it didn't work out that way. I'd suggest either playing it up for laughs and putting more humor in the first half, or taking away the cheesy one liners in the second half, because the two don't really mix well at least right now.

Second, I'd like to address your "twist" ending. Now I'm a pretty big fan of the narrative twist, but I do know when its being executed well and when its being executed poorly, and your twist is defiantly more towards the latter. My main problem is that you telegraph the ending. There is a big difference between foreshadowing, and telegraphing and you certainly aren't foreshadowing. The problem is the way you word the situation. By saying Red was dating a gangster you have immediately given away the twist ending. There are many solutions to this (Example she started dating a bully), but it needs to be fixed asap.

Finally there are some basic flaws in your writing. Paragraph structure and order was a problem throughout the piece, but the main problem I have is your innate want to say the same thing twice. My history professor refers to this as Redundancy Department of Redundancy because you say the same thing twice. See you keep saying the same thing. You see how annoying this gets. Canb you se why a reader would be annoyed. Its a pain for a reader. It sucks when reading stuff like that. Ok I'll stop now. I'm ceasing saying the same thing twice. But seriously it needs to be fixed.

Overall I give your story a 2.5/5. Your concepts and ideas are there but the execution of such leaves much more to be desired. That being said this was my first time reviewing so if you disagree with anything, please feel free to take it to a more experienced reviewer on /fic. Thanks for putting up with me

Whew first review done. I may continue reviewing if Golden Vision doesn't get to my fic soon. I don't know how to work the excel sheet as a reviewer so if someone could help me it would be much appreciated.
>> No. 103791
Title: The Challenges of Love--Part One: Rarity's Tale
Author: pmcollectorboy
Email: [email protected]l.com
Tags: Sad, Adventure, Dark
Synopsis: Rarity packs and leaves on a trip to far off Buttercup to visit her family, with hopes of buying wonderful gifts for her family and friends for the holiday of Gift Giving Day. But her world gets turned upside down when she discovers the plight of a group of orphans and reconnects with an old flame.
FimFiction Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/434/The-Challenges-of-Love--Part-One%3A-Rarity%27s-Tale
Chapters: 1-7

I've submitted this heavily revised version of my Rarity story which once saw publication on Equestria Daily. I was no longer happy with the original vision of it and rewrote it to take it in a new direction. It's weird because I feel the new vision will be much more satisfying than the old version. I also managed to get ONE story in after their standards seem to change called Stone Hearts, but I wrote that one as a joke, and I'm struggling to get my more emotionally invested story approved. Here is the response I got: "Please take your story over to Ponychan for a thorough review with eyes to:

1) Comma mis-use
2) Word repetition. (We don't need to be told the cat's name is Opalescence more than once. IE: The cat's name was Opalescence. (And then later on...) The cat named Opalescence ...
3) Odd phrasings/sentences. 'Frigid assault to her delicate nostrils'?
4) Show vs. Tell
5) Story flow. It seemed to rush in segments and drag by in others. Smooth it out."
Thanks for any help anyone can give.
>> No. 103794
>>103728
Beowulf with ponies.

It has taken far, far too long for this to happen. Dibs!
>> No. 103795
File 133790039349.jpg - (76.84KB , 873x960 , 526264_278785998872757_221602987924392_621638_1863152792_n.jpg )
103795
>>103764
>eaten her friend
>In your last story you make it sound like they're dating
They are dating, in fact they end up married if you read far enough, but I can still say friend If I feel like it.

Thanks for all the advice though, the 30 people actually following this story will definitely appreciate it.
>> No. 103796
>>103728
Comments (though not many of them) in the doc.

Having recently read Beowulf, I can safely say that this makes me happy. You hit every note of the original, and I acknowledge this work's quality as a parody. That being said, if you haven't read Beowulf, you probably won't enjoy this as much, but that can be said for any parody.

Grammatically, well, I've got nothing. It's written as an epic poem, and those have different standards of grammar. If I'd pointed out all the odd wordings I'd noticed, there would've been a lot more comments, but this is an epic poem, so those are to be expected.

I want to see this thing succeed, and I wish I could give you more help than I am, but...yeah. That's all I got. If somepony else wants to take a look at this, too, you can go right ahead.
>> No. 103798
File 133790332297.jpg - (145.53KB , 640x960 , NoReaction.jpg )
103798
>>103795
I know I may seem like I'm nitpicking now, but please keep in mind that it's for the best intention. I think that if you're going to use friend there, then you need to clarify somewhere in the story of their actual relationship, since this is a sequel and not a chapter added on to the last story.
>> No. 103799
>>103761
Your right my bad.

I am juggling a lot of things at the moment so I rushed when I typed it. "Trial" is the correct word.
>> No. 103804
File 133790549281.jpg - (6.72KB , 216x234 , scootaloo chilling.jpg )
103804
>>103798
Ha-ha funny reaction pic.

Yeah, I know you mean well. Don't worry, I didn't actually put friend in the story, I was just saying that for that one specific comment.

I'm so high on life right now I'm giggling at everything I see
>> No. 103809
>>103757
Right! I said I'd have some questions. Here they are.

I take it that you haven't read the book that this is based on, haven't you? The book basically starts by saying the character is going to die. I decided to keep this same idea.

I want to emphasize that fate can rear its ugly head at any moment. A mood whiplash, if you will. I want the reader's emotions to stem from the fact that they know they are going to die, but they themselves do not know. I want to pull something like that off. In fact, I want to be extra cruel by implying that dying at their age is practically unheard of.

>Insert "go to Story Forge" comment here.

>Does anyone go there anymore?

On to the plotholes:
1) I changed it so it's not one of those windows you can open. Will this work?
2) Breathed in too much smoke?
3) *shrugs

Maybe the smoke got there too late, so that it goes off as they are waking up?

4) Changed it so it started on the first floor.

As for the "burnt Sienna", I totally did not think of that when I thought up of the name. That doesn't mean I'll change it, though. I thought it sounded "horse-ish" enough. Is that even a word?

Anyway, that's my questions/concerns/complaints/whining/etc...

I think this really wasn't the best chapter to send to you to work on "sad". However, the rest of the story would use it (hopefully) very much. However, I'm still struggling with brainstorming. I've got a list of ideas. Would you be interested in looking at it? If so, I'll send it by e-mail.

Thanks for the review!

p0n00b

P.S. coding for 7 hours straight is very, very dumb. I'd would not recommend it...

>Is this related to anything in any way?
>> No. 103811
>>103772
4 grammatical errors in that short a post do not inspire confidence.
>> No. 103814
>>103809
>I want the reader's emotions to stem from the fact that they know they are going to die, but they themselves do not know.
Unless it's one of those tales where the characters are very old, the characters rarely know that they're going to die. The reader's going to suspect it from your title and tags anyway. You don't have to go for the hard sell.

>I changed it so it's not one of those windows you can open. Will this work?
In a word, no. I haven't met the window that Applejack couldn't destroy with a single kick.

>Breathed in too much smoke?
Fine, but you need to include a reason. Just having her pass out is WTF?

>Maybe the smoke got there too late, so that it goes off as they are waking up?
Better to have it malfunction and never go off. Those things are quite sensitive.

>Changed it so it started on the first floor.
Fine, but how far up is their room? Like I said, if they're not far up, it's even more ridiculous that Dash couldn't fly them down, and particularly if they're only on the second floor, they could jump without serious injury.

One other thing I meant to bring up:
Twilight couldn't teleport them out because the heat was too distracting. In canon, she teleports quite easily, like the time she kept popping Spike back into the library when he tried to run away multiple times. It comes to her pretty easily. But then she can levitate Sienna in a room that's even hotter? Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!
>> No. 103826
>>103811
Neither do anons, if the history of this board is to taken into account.

And avatar guys don't count, they use an avatar, they are not anon.
>> No. 103830
>>103814
>Unless it's one of those tales where the characters are very old, the characters rarely know that they're going to die. The reader's going to suspect it from your title and tags anyway. You don't have to go for the hard sell.

I know your concerns. I still want to keep it in, however. Should I tackle on something at the end saying something along the lines of "these are their final moments" or something, because (no offense) I will not get rid of it.

>In a word, no. I haven't met the window that Applejack couldn't destroy with a single kick.

Nngh! Can I go for the panic causes poor decisions excuse?

>Better to have it malfunction and never go off. Those things are quite sensitive.

Got rid of it.

>Fine, but how far up is their room? Like I said, if they're not far up, it's even more ridiculous that Dash couldn't fly them down, and particularly if they're only on the second floor, they could jump without serious injury.

I said it was on the third floor. I mentioned that at the beginning of the story.

>Twilight couldn't teleport them out because the heat was too distracting. In canon, she teleports quite easily, like the time she kept popping Spike back into the library when he tried to run away multiple times. It comes to her pretty easily. But then she can levitate Sienna in a room that's even hotter? Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!

Good grief! You speak of Twilight's magic as some fix-all device that will always work and can instantly deliver them out of any perilous situation. NO! I don't buy that!

Take "Feeling Pinkie Keen" for example. The girls are being pursued by a ticked off hydra. Did she use her teleportation powers then? No! Like you said, she can "teleport quite easily", so why didn't she teleport then?

What about "Sonic Rainboom"? Rarity is plummeting to her death. Once again, Twilight could have just simply teleported Rarity to safety. Did she? No!

What about "Stare Master"? Her magic did a great job saving her there!

What about "Dragonshy", when they are fleeing the avalanche? She could have conjured up a simple shield. How about when the dragon breathed on them?

As far as levitation vs teleportation...

Let us first consider Rarity. She is shown to be very adept as levitation. She even has the ability to levitate her cat. However, we've never seen her teleport. To me, that implies that teleportation is far more difficult than levitation, hence the reason why she isn't able teleport, but can still levitate, albeit with great difficulty.

Also, when did I imply that the room Sienna was in was hotter? They were on the same floor.

I just know you're going to mention something about the lower floors, and how much hotter they are going to be. I imagine casting a spell and maintaining a spell to be like friction. It takes a lot of effort to push a book on a table, but once you get it going, then it doesn't need as much effort. Likewise with spell-casting, it will be easier to maintain the spell than to cast one.

I'm sorry, but I have a real problem with guys assuming that magic is the solution to everything in the MLP. Yes, I will go as far as to yell at a reviewer for it. However, don't take this to mean that I believe magic can never solve anything. Yes, in "Dragon Quest", Twilight was able to teleport herself as well as Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Spike to safety.

Admittedly, I still have to work with the Dash flying them out problem, but I will not change how I'm having Twilight use her magic. Did I explain enough?

huff... huff...

Now that my temper's finally cooled down, do you have anything else for me?
>> No. 103832
File 133792007732.png - (49.73KB , 186x186 , 1473264-8346013627513076_l_super.png )
103832
Now that it's summer I may open up a review thread. That may be a big mistake... Or so I'm told. Contemplating this fact.

But for now I'm onto Pinkie_Daine's Death's Door. I'm excited for this one.

>Sage for nothing really important
>> No. 103835
>>103830
iirc, teleporting did take some effort, for Twilight in S1E2. It's something she gradually improves, and by season two, she does it rather effortlessly. I'd place your fic somewhere after season two, since, y'know, they're still alive then. And Rarity can't teleport because, like most unicorns, she only excels at a couple of spells. Twilight's talent is the ability to use any magic. I'm not just playing devil's advocate here. The point is precisely that most readers have this perspective on Twilight, and will question your explanation. It's not about appeasing me. It's about appeasing them. If that's not important, then more power to you.
>> No. 103836
>>103830
DANG IT! This always happens when I rage.

>Let us first consider Rarity. She is shown to be very adept as levitation. She even has the ability to levitate her cat. However, we've never seen her teleport. To me, that implies that teleportation is far more difficult than levitation, hence the reason why she isn't able teleport, but can still levitate, albeit with great difficulty.

hence the reason, *with the heat*, why *Twilight* isn't able to teleport, but can still levitate, albeit with great difficulty.

I am so going to be banned for this...
>> No. 103841
>>103835
I'm sorry for going rabid there. I just get a little flustered when someone comments on something like that. Frankly, online anonymity doesn't help matters.

I'll try and fix as many plotholes as I can, but I'm going to leave the magic alone.

I'm still stuck as to how I want to string my ideas for this doc together. If you are interested, the ideas doc is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GLxguNqpn_0hiOoDjoMnITb41LrwKDmMdNy89h0TILs/edit
Tell me what you think.
>> No. 103842
File 133792167010.jpg - (13.11KB , 200x254 , AreYouAWizard.jpg )
103842
>>103835
To be fair, nothing suggests that Rarity CAN'T teleport, either. In Art of the Dress, we see her floating an abundance of items in the air. Considering we know nothing really about magic other than a few things Twilight claims, couldn't Rarity use all of the concentration from mass telekinesis to teleportation? I don't know how FAR she teleports in this matter, but I don't think it would be too much of an improbability.

I do agree that justification will be needed, but I don't think it will need more than a simple sentence.

>Pic related. I think.
>> No. 103849
Title: Get Lost (In a Book)
Author: Kavonde
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Comedy, Slice of Life/Normal
Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle has been waiting eagerly for her copy of the newest Equestrinox novel. Now that she's finally got it in her hooves, though, it seems like all of her friends are in trouble and need her help. Will Twi find time to enjoy her book without leaving everypony hanging?
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27903/Get-Lost-%28In-a-Book%29
To Be Reviewed: All
Comments/Request: I haven't submitted this to EqD yet, so it's a blank slate as far as criticism goes.
>> No. 103850
>>103789
thank you very much for the time spent on the review. I will start working on patching things up soon enough (have a busy weekend coming). Don't worry about your first review, you did pretty well. Constructive criticism, light hearted humor throughout the comments (made me chuckle a couple of times), and a rapid execution. I will address the grammar issues as soon as possible. I think I found a way to make the "plot twist" as you called it, a little more subtle. If possible I would like your opinion on that change. (my email address is attached with the post should you want to discuss it.)

A few things I wanted to point out:

You mention the change of vibe, from a somewhat darker/somber setting to a comedic like story. Maybe I didn't execute it properly, but it was somewhat intentional. The goal was to set up a lightly dark mood and flip it all over to both surprise the reader, and give a bit of punch to the comedic aspect. Maybe this practice is something I should avoid, but I was curious about trying it. (that is why I tagged the story as random) So yeah, the story isn't meant to be taken seriously. More like a light hearted kung fu movie comedy.

If you think I should make the first part comedy oriented like the second half, do you have any suggestion as to how I could alter the story in a way that would still bring the fight to the classroom? Just wondering if you have any idea.

I'll also try to get rid of my redundancy department of redundancy bad habit. I hadn't noticed it until you pointed it out. Makes me wonder how much I used it in my other stories.

Anyway, thanks again for the review, you were a huge help, and i hope to work with you again later. Good luck in your future reviews.

Sincerely, MHB
>> No. 103856
File 133792435886.gif - (71.32KB , 200x142 , WhatNowCelestia.gif )
103856
>>103450
Hey, Pinks. Like I said, I was excited to review this one, and I wasn't disappointed. That doesn't mean you're getting out of a review though. It will just be kind of shorter because I wasn't concerned with a lot of smaller problems (Which weren't much) and more with the entire picture.

Grammar:
Just a few notes in the doc. Not a whole lot, as the last it was pretty much good. I'd suggest reading it out loud to yourself though. If you feel there should be a short pause for a comma and it makes sense to put it there, do so. Some sentences were kind of rushed because of the lack of commas.

Writing Style:
Beautiful, except for one thing: You have first person narrative, then you have third person limited, then back to first person. This can get a bit confusing. When we switched to Twilight I wasn't quite sure for a few moments if Celestia was watching Twilight and narrating it or if it was just a third person narrative. Other readers will be wondering this too. Some clarification would be good.

Concept/plot: I love it. It's been done before, but so has everything else. One of the problems though is I'm not sure about Celestia's state. You mention she's dead, but the way you describe things it's like she's still alive. I can understand if she's a ghost capable of tangibleness, but a little more clarification on her actual being needs to be stated, you just keep talking metaphorically, and while this is fine it just needs more. Other than that you bring a pretty good light to it, except for the part where I have to smash it down which is right now.

Problems:
It reads like a journal, and near the end of the story I realize that it is, in fact, a journal! While this is not necessarily wrong, we just get to read about Celestia's thoughts and a little bit of what's going on. The philosophy and metaphoric thoughts and descriptions are beautiful (Even though sometimes it feels like Celestia is your mouthpiece) but like I said with her physical state, there's just not enough of an actual STORY. It's like you dug a hole for depth, yet you didn't seem to put up the party and invite people to it. That's a REALLY bad analogy, but you get the point.

>Gif

Anyways, overall it's pretty good. It's beautifully written, but anyone with an average attention span just won't be captivated enough by it. I'd like to see more from Twilight near the beginning. That might help. Keep trucking Pinkamina! I hope to see you again.
>> No. 103861
>>103787
Thanks for the help.
>> No. 103866
>>103856
Great review thanks again for the in depth analysis I really appreciate it.
I probably will not be posting this one (Due to the fact that it isn't really a story.)
But I still really do appreciate the review making you my Number 1 reviewer. Thanks again.
>> No. 103903
File 133794253386.png - (138.75KB , 480x360 , tumblr_lk6wz3tbxg1qaha6c.png )
103903
>>103866
>will not be posting this one
>is not a story
>takes a read
>pic
Out of curiousity, why would you think that that isn't a story?
>> No. 103909
>>103796
Thank you very much for your input! From your comments, it looks like I should work on the Ursa Minor battle a bit more, which I can do. I'll also do a double-triple check to see if there's anything else I can improve.
>> No. 103910
File 133795421438.jpg - (13.92KB , 135x186 , AzuNyan35.jpg )
103910
>>103849
I'll take this.
>> No. 103913
File 133795654085.gif - (793.12KB , 800x450 , Um87K.gif )
103913
>>103866
>>103903
From my review, it is a story, but it's just not enough. To clarify on what I meant, it is a story, if it isn't a story I don't know what it is, but it lacks a lot of it. S story is there with all of its plot, pacing, concept, ect. ect. but it just reads more like a personal journal than a story. That was my issue.
>> No. 103929
>>103756
I saw in your post in Hugbox's thread that you recommended listening to the music while reading. Be careful when likening your story to something that has layers of meaning. I see the story's literal resemblance, but it bears no trace of the piece's overall meaning, which is a series of feverish delusions. I get no sense that this story takes place in a dreamscape with its accompanying grotesque twists of reality. I'm probably nitpicking, but this stuff is right up my alley. It might behoove you to make the distinction.
>> No. 103935
File 133796563496.png - (78.22KB , 336x317 , mlfw1702-1318157656[1].png )
103935
>>103836
It's a developing problem in the series (at least for us writers) that Twilight is getting such a large bag of tricks at her disposal. Her magic becomes this potential deus ex machina "out" for almost any adventure-style scene you care to create. And she has no canon kryponite to restrict that.

But there's nothing saying you can't create your own kryptonite.

If you want to severely limit her powers during a scene, BASH her horn in. Well, at least hit it hard with something--maybe a bookcase? Show us that hitting the horn hard is like hitting your funnybone. Her magic goes all weak and tingly... Then it can spark and sputter and she won't be able to do complex magic like teleportation, but she can handle levetation--though perhaps will several close shaves as it starts to fail for a moment. (Drama source!) You can do this a few scenes before the action, even, to give the reader time to get used to it.

That's just one idea, but I'm sure you can come up with other reasons why she can't do NOW what she's previously been shown capable of doing in the show.

The problem with her magic is when you don't address it issue at all, then the readers are figuratively screaming "Don't open that door you stupid @#[email protected]#!" at the TV. :D
>> No. 103936
I'm still up for anyone to review my FimFiction story that couldn't pass muster at EQD. I've already had one editor at FimFiction highlight some bad points and good points and offer some plot advice, but I could use a multitude of opinions. Here is the thread again. http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/103159.html#103791 I'm currently thinking of ideas for the revision. It'll probably be extensive and might require an outline first. But the above link is what it looks like so far.
>> No. 103944
>>103935
I tried that by having the heat affect her. They are in a burning hotel after all. Apparently, it's not enough kryptonite for her...

As far as the "Why can't Dash just fly them out?" problem, do you think that finding yourself in a perilous situation might cause you to make stupid decisions? If that doesn't work, should I just make the window too small for them to fit through? Ugh...
>> No. 103951
File 133797646565.jpg - (9.09KB , 195x258 , terminator Pinkie.jpg )
103951
>>103850
I'd be more than happy to help you out. Heck if you put a revised version up on TTG and requested me to review it, I would do so without hesitation. I also have an fimfiction account you can message me on(http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Khakispony). Just tell me when you've made the fixes and I'll be happy to give it a second look over.

Addressing your change in vibe: I'm fine with a change in the tone of your fic. Its a fun little idea, but as is now its like whiplash to a reader. You have to ease a reader into a new tone or else some will just be like WTF. Imagine if in FoE if Littlepip was about to start fighting an alicorn, and then out of nowhere, she starts breakdancing. Some readers would laugh, while others would just be utterly confused at what just happened. I'm going to call that Pinkie Pie Syndrome. Some will embrace the crazy while others will act like Twilight and try and put a logical twist on the randomness and be utterly frustrated.

I'd also suggest adding a comedy tag with the current tags as that would have helped immensly going into the review.
>> No. 103965
File 133798310177.jpg - (96.03KB , 526x506 , AzuNyan12.jpg )
103965
Review's in the doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wRfH-gLJMOW_G__Lg-wwyZMJ5-9iYvscUXFIX74jUvA/edit
>> No. 103972
File 133798662495.png - (178.11KB , 640x360 , Twilight_running_out_of_time_S2E3.png )
103972
>>103583

I hate to say this, but organic waste has just hit the rotational air circulation device. Things have gotten me very stressed recently. Can I request that I pass on the review to someone else? I just can't find the time to fit them in :(.
>> No. 104023
Synopsis: Princess Celestia has deployed the Equestrian Guard to all corners of Equestria in response to the dangers of the changeling threat. Off in Ponyville, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and friends are forced to deal with strangers, sinister plots, curious new ponies, and a dark shadow returning to consume everything!

Links:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25774/There-is-a-Season

Comments/requests:
I'm looking for a general review of my work, and more specifically interested in getting it cleaned up to meet Equestria Daily standards. Comments, ideas, and constructive reviews are welcome!
>> No. 104063
Title: Sweet Temptation
Tags: [Slice of Life][Comedy]
Words: 999
Synopsis: Dinky Doo matches wits with a worthy muffin opponent.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u0tDE3qkpGUcjzIl8jgCeS64bRvgl32x5t8x8ZPKTEA/edit
Comments: This is the only part so far of an anthology. It was written for a d'aww fic contest with a 1k word limit. Normally, I'll throw contest rules to the wind once judging is complete, but for some reason, I want to keep the word limit for this one. As such, if there are places that you think will need more development, you'll need to find somewhere else to cut. This story predates the official use of "Derpy," hence my choice of "Ditzy Doo." Have fun!

Nicholas_Taylor requested.
>> No. 104066
File 133806981123.gif - (2.46KB , 200x166 , looking.gif )
104066
I would like a quick, topical opinion about the fic I'm writing. I'm not asking for a review, just a general question about the direction in which I should take my story.

Now, given how early on in the story it is, I could either make it a fairly long adventure story, or a short slice-of-life/light drama story. The advantages to the former is that it would probably be a lot more interesting, and might be a much more substantial and satisfying story. Unfortunately, I fear that it is out of my league in terms of storytelling. Plus, I don't know if I could get enough material to make it such a long story. It would be very bad if I let the story drag on pointlessly, or even worse, wrote myself into a corner. As for the latter, it is definitely within my skill set, and I am almost certain I will have enough material. However, the story will probably be a lot more boring if I choose this route. I know I could finish it if I go this route, and playing it safe might help me out in this stage of my fanfic writing expertise. What do you think?
>> No. 104089
For some odd reason, my post on the queue is gone, so I'll just repost it.

Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 8: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bruv3U4xj-Zp57jDDegLZpWnQ8taxZKt75xfIqS5P-w/edit

Comments: I would prefer to have my review in-doc. English is not my primary language, so please be patient with me. I'm willing to learn and develop myself. I'm determined to get this somewhere. Also, please be nitpicky if possible.
>> No. 104094
>>104089
My bad. Didn't notice the new list.
>> No. 104126
Title: The Jewel of Reinsburg
Author: Dicepony
Email: [email protected]

Tags: Adventure! Romance!

Synopsis: When Rarity invited Applejack to spend a beautiful summer's day together, in order to talk to her about a personal and delicate matter, neither pony could have imagined it would be brought to an abrupt end by a Prince from the neighboring country of Saltlickenstein inviting Rarity to his magnificent jeweled city to commission her fashion skills.

The regal and charming Prince Lazuli sweeps Rarity and her friends off to his beautiful kingdom, but as things start to go horribly wrong for the unlikely friends it's up to Applejack to uncover and stop a sinister plot and stop a ruthless villain.

But can she do it in time to rescue the elegant purple-haired Unicorn? And can she face her fears of destroying their friendship forever for the sake of something even more special between the odd-couple?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28338/The-Jewel-of-Reinsburg

To Be Reviewed: As much as possible please...

Comments/Request:

Hello, I've never submitted anything here before and this is my first piece of FanFiction... I hope I've done this correctly (I've read the main sticky and introduction), sorry if I haven't! D:

This is a Adventure/Romance RariJack Fic. It's completely cheesy, think Disney Movie or Hollywood Blockbuster so if you prefer Dark or Sad stories this probably isn't going to be fun to read. XD.

It's 36,000 words but split into 7 chapters and an epilogue. I've done my best to edit numerous times and still have a lot to learn as a technical writer but I hope you can read and enjoy it.

Thank you!
~DP
>> No. 104145
File 133812800478.jpg - (9.06KB , 224x251 , 1335330107250s.jpg )
104145
>>103394
>pic because I really need to see that movie

First things first. Sorry about crashing your doc. It got to the point where making one comment meant getting prompted whether I wanted to stop the script or not, hence the abrupt stop in comments. Sooo... yeah. =\ just choose "Continue" for twice or thrice and you'll push through. I hope.

I'm impressed at how much you've improved generally, especially with show vs. tell. Kudos for that.

Even so, your descriptions could use some more work. Half of my gripes stem from bad word choice, and the other half stems from awkward sentences. You've done well in adding flesh to otherwise bare bone, but more flesh would be appreciated. I do like the extra info on the projects; it really did help in setting Kite's background and socioeconomic status.

Dialogue/sentence structure repetition: ["Dialogue," said X, "more dialogue."] sequences. This sandwich pops up a lot somewhere around the middle to the end, if I'm not mistaken. Comments go into more detail, but I'd have you pay attention to this from the start.

Kite's a lot easier to understand now, and Mulberry's pretty okay. There are a few moments when Citrus goes into puppet mode, doing things simply for the sake of doing it, but this was only at the end and can be remedied by adding actions/facial expressions that show her mood. Thunder's name, now that I come to think of it, is really, really simple. In fact they all are. It's a bit odd, since most pony names have two words. You may want to tone down Guise's(?) super-scarred bod to a few choice scars. That's just personal preference, because a full body of scratches tends to trigger Gary Stu alerts in readers.

I have mentioned that your idea has potential, and it does, but your ending left me dissatisfied. The world of strange magic and tampering is the deal-breaker for me, and it was a bit deflating to see that it wasn't there (yet). If you plan to send this to EqD, and we're just discussing ifs here, you'll need a couple more chapters to convince the pre-readers that you can deliver in terms of plot.

Hmmm. There's not much else I can say, really. I'm rather positive about how it's turned out so far, and I'm pleased as pie that you've taken my advice and gone much further with it. All in all, good show, and keep it up!

Also, because I lack confidence in my abilities + the suspicion that I've become biased in favour of this story, if you're bringing it back for round 3, or for later chapters, get a fresh pair of eyes.Guise. Hay. Hay Guise. Guise, look it this. Guise. Hay, hay Guise.Sorry, just had to do that. =|
>> No. 104151
Normal.

Hearth's Warming Eve has come once again, which means fun in the snow, warm food, and spending time with family. At least, that's what it means for most ponies. For Scootaloo it means a day off from crusading, loneliness, and the coldest night of the year. When Discord begins to whisper to her from his stone prison, she questions the beliefs held by many. What was so great about Harmony? What could be so bad about a world where chocolate milk fell from the sky?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21686/Discordant

Chapters 1 through 3.

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, or if I've done it incorrectly. This is my first time writing fanfic. I've submitted to EQD twice. Though it was better the second time, it still isn't quiet good enough. I'd really like help on grammar and show vs tell. I'm really hoping to get this up, but I'm not confident enough in my grammar skills to risk my third strike editing it all by myself. The EQD reader gave specific examples.

1. Ellipsis use: you use ellipses without adding a space afterwards. This is incorrect.
Example from your story: As for his magic...his magic...
Corrected: As for his magic... his magic...

2. Compound word use: some words that should really be hyphenated aren't.
Example from the story: leaving three Crusader shaped holes in the white powder.
Corrected: leaving three Crusader-shaped holes in the white powder.

3. Dialogue punctuation: when an attributed (he said, she asked, etc.) is included after the words spoken, the "said" or other such verb is not capitalized. Also, make sure that you're doing it like this:
"Blah blah blah," he said
and not like this:
"Words words words." he said.

Example from your story: “Uh-huh?” The cow-pony asked skeptically.
Corrected: “Uh-huh?” the cowpony asked skeptically.

Also in this area, you use one or two hyphens to denote cut-off speech. Use en or em dashes for this.

Example: "I don't know--"
Corrected: "I don't know—"

4. Possessive nouns: I think there was only one instance of this, but ensure that plural nouns are still plural when made possessive.
> She didn't know how to unlock the element's full power,
She didn't know how to unlock the elements' full power,

Also, continue to work on adding more description. You're still telling way more than you're showing, and it's bringing the story down to an extent.
>> No. 104153
Tags: [Sad]
Synopsis: Octavia contracts a rare disease and passes away, Will Vinyl be able to cope with her loss?

Links (Just a chapter for now):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oEQyDJVKbYW1fjZvJgUZBsBGFlgSYgldOQ2XtlFhLkg/edit
>> No. 104160
>>104126
>>104153
Please fill out a submission form as well (link at the top under "For writers:") so your story gets into our spreadsheet.
>> No. 104188
Looks useful. Filling out the form now.
>> No. 104190
>>104063

Well! A nice, short, simple piece for my first ever review. Hopefully I don't disappoint you.

To quote you, "Comments are in the doc."

Plot: Dinky Doo tries to get her birthday muffin, which seems to have taken on sentience, down from theshelf. Nice, simple plot, so there's nothing to really pick apart there. I honestly didn't find anything wrong with it, and adding more would probably make the story drag out. As it stands right now, I found the length to be perfect.

I did find your prose to be just a touch flowery at times. Nothing too severe, and I pointed out these instances in the doc. I also noted a couple instances in which a simpler word would have been better.

I also noted an instance in which Dinky's dialogue seemed too formal, but I suppose it depends on how mature she is in your head.

Finally, I think there needs to be a bit more body language between Dinky and Ditzy. Personally, I don't do plain lines of dialogue standing alone until after a few lines of it. Since you don't have many lines of dialogue to begin with, adding body language wouldn't be distracting or repetitive.

Overall, I enjoyed this fic. It was quite cute, and I liked how you gave the muffin a voice. The "Om nom nom" at the end sealed the deal for me.

Good job, and keep writing.
>> No. 104202
File 133815621546.png - (1.02MB , 1280x719 , Pinkie_Pie_1_bit_S2E19.png )
104202
>>102854
I'm not claiming this one, as I'm not sure if I'll have time to continue what I've started, but I have started a review here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xZu5-CXHOORH8Zuh0WxleukHb1M4ggY0TvcnftNID-w/edit

I'm using a number of # marks to denote some relative level of importance to my comments. Five #'s means there's a technical error (typo, grammar mistake) that needs to be fixed. One # is just a comment or suggestion that can be safely ignored. Other comments are rated somewhere in between. If you see "<>" instead of #'s, that's just a comment with no suggestion for changes. This is so I can weight everything and hopefully make it easier for you to ignore or follow any advice I give with an easy conscious. :)

I put the comments in a copy of the GDoc, since I wasn't sure if and when I'd be able to follow through. Whether I do continue or not is also up to you, Arby Works—if you like how I review. :)
>> No. 104205
>>104160

Eep! Thank you for pointing that out, sorry for not filling in the Submission Form.

I have done so now (I think I did the Post URL bit correctly but not sure... D:
>> No. 104236
>>104153

I hereby claim this fic in the name of all that is TTG! And in the name of Spain!
>> No. 104258
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.

Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1833WN-uj6E7Gn2_aeuKeSxo4v-s02U_qvAHTeqdRMdQ/edit


Chapters Requesting for Review: Chapter 7

Comments: Line-by-line would be appreciated. Looking for general editing advice and thoughts on character development in correlation to the canon. (Want feedback if the two characters of the Mane6 in the chapter are OOC or not.)

***Reading of previous chapters is not necessary for the feedback I'm seeking!***
>> No. 104262
Tags: Sad, (Tragedy?)

Synopsis: A terrible epidemic sweeps through Ponyville, causing all it touches to fall into an endless slumber. Twilight enters the land of the dreamers to save her friends and all of Ponyville from an unkind fate while Pinkie recalls the events leading up to now.

Links:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28704/1/Beyond-the-Dreamer%27s-Veil/Beyond-the-Dreamer%27s-Veil

Comments:
This is the first time I've actually written a fanfic, and I was kind of hoping for some general critique on the piece in general. I don't know what I do well or what I do poorly, and I was hoping for some recommendations on how to improve this piece and things I should watch out for if I try to write again. As a side note, I wanted to try and use as little dialogue as possible while writing this, just as a personal decision. (Sorry if the comments section was just supposed to be EqD prereader comments)
>> No. 104318
File 133823835773.png - (84.23KB , 894x894 , ristar_the_shooting_star_by_nate_d-d3acxv3.png )
104318
I have had some time to fine-tune my fanfiction, as well as to add a new chapter to it. I fixed many of the issues that my last reviewer, Fuliam (to whom I appreciate the input), suggested that I should fix. Although, he only commented on half of the prologue, so there may still be some issues there that I neglected. Anyway, I am putting up my fic for round two; I hope things go better this time.

Title: All Of Creation
Author: Ristar
Email: [See username]
Tags: Romance, Drama, Slice-of-Life, Gay
Chapters: Prologue, 1 (Unfinished)
Word Count: 2485

Synopsis: Seafoam, a weatherpony for the northern Bay of Hippocampus, engaged to his ever-absent fiancé Frostbite, an explorer for the crown. When Frostbite returns after one of his most promising voyages he has ever undertaken, the two take the time to reconcile the challenges of their long-distance relationship.


Request: If it isn't too much to ask, I would like to request a review from Professor Hugbox; his reviews are always thoughtful and comprehensive. (Also, I am terribly sorry for subjecting you to my last wreck of a fanfic. Please believe me when I promise you that this one will not be nearly as bad as the last.)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14JUvb2xxAaFOftQB5l_1cEp9t6Omh2lXvRt4fkqv978/edit
>> No. 104324
>>104145

Review acknowledged!

I'm just a real fan of the "X", said Y, "X" style of sentence. I do realise it's all over the place and I'm trying to work on that though.

Also what do you mean by:
"The world of strange magic and tampering is the deal-breaker for me"
Deal-breaker as in it's not a good story line? The whole cutie mark tampering thing is actually a very, very minor part of the story and is more how Kite actually gets drawn into the real story.

I've been working on the next chapter where the whole situation starts fleshing out but I agree that I should probably get another reviewer for it.

Anyway, cheerio for now.
>> No. 104330
File 133824565145.jpg - (129.27KB , 785x1018 , Beyond Her Tomb.jpg )
104330
Title: Beyond Her Tomb

Author: 2K Chrome

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Normal] [Adventure]

Synopsis: In a farm ponyville by the name of Marizona, Carrot Top is called to action from an old friend to be a miracle worker when the crops suddenly stop growing. The prejudiced and close-minded townsponies have grown hostile towards strangers -- and even towards themselves -- as a result from months dealing with a food shortage and the financial collapse of their ponyville that is now looming over their heads. Will the orange mare find a solution to save the ponyville? When worse comes to worst, will the friendship with her old friend hold, or will it perhaps grow into something more? Learn about the tale of Carrot Top and how she was able to live beyond her tomb.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21943/Beyond-Her-Tomb

Requests: Can I get some help for this story? It was reviewed once before and I would like to know if I actually fixed the errors.

I sent it to EqD and the pre-reader stated:

-Comma splice
He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing.

-Extraneous words
Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every single day

-Tense errors
The Equestria ponies in his once fairly prosperous ponyville of Marizona just can’t seem to grow their crops anymore.

-Dangling participle phrases
and not exactly being a Las Pegasus hotspot.

-Awkward phrasing
Fights were beginning to become common.
*Why not just "Fights were becoming common."?

-Leading participle phrase should refer to the subject of the sentence
Throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help, not one single bud grew from their magical sparks.

-Mid-dialogue action should be set off with dashes and no commas
“and Stormy,” holding up her right hoof, “back together.”
*"and Stormy"--holding up her right hoof--"back together."

I believe the errors the pre-reader mentioned were fixed, at least in the first paragraph.
>> No. 104380
>>104324
>"The world of strange magic and tampering is the deal-breaker for me"
Deal-breaker, as in whether this story is "okay" or "brilliant". I realize that "deal-breaker" is probably the wrong term to use. ;_; but yes, I do want to see more of the world underneath the smiles and rainbows and one true talents. Presenting such a world well will boost the sense of intrigue.
>> No. 104382
>>104324
>I'm just a real fan of the "X", said Y, "X" style of sentence. I do realise it's all over the place and I'm trying to work on that though.
I've been there. Here's a useful link: http://www.crayne.com/articles/Dialogue--How-to-Punctuate,-Use-Tags,-and-Vary-the-Structure-of-Your-Dialogue.pdf

>X verbed a noun. "Y"

>"Y"
>"Z"
>> No. 104394
Is it permitted for me to seek a review from one of the regular reviewers' thread while I have a fic in the queue?
>> No. 104401
File 133830494721.png - (95.77KB , 445x530 , 2j31gcw.png )
104401
>>104324
You can vary it up with:

>X scratched his/her ear. "Yeah, but what about. . ."
The speaker is heavily implied by the previous sentence.

>"I don't know..." X fidgeted, avoiding the other pony's eyes.
Same thing but after the dialogue, best used in a third or later line of back and forth dialogue so the reader reads it immediately as being X.

> X shouted, "Am I the only pony who's sane around here?"
Personally, and stylistically most would agree this kind should be used sparingly. Usually to put emphasis on a piece of dialogue, but it also has some great uses in comedy.

>"X speaks" "Y speaks" "X speaks"

At around 4 or 5 lines of straight back and forth dialogue, you want to remind the reader who's who. You want to make sure at the beginning that the speakers are clear as well. Also, you want to cut it out because by that point, before it gets old.

Using these, and varying the sentences around them from being rich with detail, or curt, should help you add variety.
>> No. 104402
File 133830517825.png - (185.37KB , 666x1000 , mlfw2111_huge.png )
104402
>>104394
Yes, but please let it be known to the reviewer that you have requested a review elsewhere. This is so (I'm assuming) reviewers can decide which stories get top priority or if they want you to wait for your review from here, revise it, and get another review from them.

Don't come to my thread though, I'm horribly busy IRL. I end up reviewing things on my iPod while my parents go 'COME SWIM WITH US' and I go 'NO, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME 'BOUT THIS AND YOU KNOW I HAVE WORK TO DO'

Parents.

/EndUnnessecaryRant
>> No. 104405
File 133830575454.jpg - (57.20KB , 792x612 , 5569e201310f36d7f9970c-pi.jpg )
104405
>>104402
>But meeeeeeeeem, I have read about the poniiiiiies.
>> No. 104410
>>104094
DIBS.
Period.
>> No. 104527
Title: Pinkie Pie Gets a Cold
Author: bracatus
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Comedy][Random]

Synopsis: When Pinkie Pie catches a severe cold, Twilight Sparkle wants to cure her – a task that turns out to be surprisingly dangerous, for if Pinkie Pie has a cold, she doesn’t sneeze only confetti anymore...

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jum_XYiqYixZ2_KLrQWmhs-_h9HJfnDIB1GnfptKU60/edit

Comments: I’d like to give you a warning before you take a look at my fic – it is likely that it is absolutely horribly written. It’s not that I didn’t put any effort into it, but I am a German school student with a rather moderate knowledge of the English language and this is not only my first fic but my first literary work ever. I like to believe that my grammar is quite decent for a foreigner, but even if it is, the story has probably still countless flaws with regard to writing style, narrative flow, characterization, whatever. I need feedback on ... everything, I guess.
So basically it may be the type of story that needs editing the most but is accordingly painful to revise. At least it just a oneshot...

What speaks for reviewing my story on the other hand is that you may blast it and criticise it in the cruellest way you can think of if you want to, since I don’t know if my ideas are generally amusing or if the story doesn’t have any potential at all - I don’t have any expectations that can be crushed.
>> No. 104529
File 133832717503.jpg - (259.54KB , 640x551 , rainbow_sad_by_kawaiipiepied3jbejq_display.jpg )
104529
Title: One Simple Choice (Chapter One)
Synopsis: When Rainbow Dash is offered a high ranking weather position in Cloudsdale, she begins to lament the time gone by, as well as wonder what it is she really wants from life.
Tags: [Sad]
Word Count: 5950
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1raiglo7sR1X91BSN27uetcwpbVmPyebg7E1e3yHhavA/edit

Ran this by NickNack and made some suggested changes. My biggest concern would be characterization and showing/telling issues. He didn't mention any issues with being overly telly, so let's hope that he was right there :)

I specifically request that Pascoite reviews this. I talked with him on the chat, and I believe he was okay with this. EqD level review, of course :)

I also plan on dumping this in another review thread. Two active review requests are okay, right?

Thanks!
>> No. 104537
Tags: [Shipping]

Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle used to live a life alone with her books. Now she's terribly lonely, with all her friends having some sort of romantic companion. Twilight is downing milkshakes like there's no
tomorrow when a certain turquoise pony stumbles in and changes everything.

Link
https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B8WzTxC55-8XMk12ZHBQYUtrUUk/edit

Comments/requests: Keep an eye out for grammar if you can. Even when I think i've gotten it all I normally havn't gotten half of it. Other then that just general feedback on how to improve my writting
and the story.
>> No. 104538
>>104529
Claiming as requested. Busy times. I probably will have to chip away at this a bit at a time, and should finish within a week.
>> No. 104541
Tags: Adventure (I believe this is fair to say, correct me if I missed any.)

Synopsis: The end of the show that started a phenomenon. Familiar faces return, new players come to the field, and the powers of friendship will be tested as the entire world is plunged into its greatest danger yet...

Links:

Prologue
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n6KD2LCOExeHFhq7ocEG6XBCKcCWm8jsbiyJxkkSZgI/edit

Comments: I've returned. Alright, so I hopefully fixed the majority of problems addressed by both EQD and several of my previous reviewers.

(Here's EQD prereader A1X3's response to my very first draft of the story, before bringing it here a few months back; look at me... if you dare.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aLAbp6K4W83dMjFAHWq4CiEwCRPCiTFx0w8g1PecC0I/edit

I've reformatted, chopped off extraneous pieces that really had no place in the story, and tried to streamline the presentation; I've also rearranged the sections into what I hope is more reasonable for chapters.

Due to the fact that every time I posted up the whole story, reviewers soiled themselves and wouldn't go anywhere near it, I've decided to only put up the prologue for now(905 words).

Now, if any of you actually want to look at the rest, I'll happily post the other chapters for you to look at, but be ready for a read. This may not be quite as long, due to aforementioned trimming, but I'm betting it remains close to 80,000 words or so.

So, who'll be the daring soul to brave Nightfall?
>> No. 104542
File 133833851892.jpg - (8.34KB , 297x170 , Fluterlaugh.jpg )
104542
>>104537
For my second review I've decided to claim this story. Its length will mean that a review will take a little bit of time but I should have it all done by tommorow at the very least. Im going to post reviews of each individual chapter, since there are 4 (if anyone has objections due to space let me know)

To the author specifically: MUAHAHAHA. Your being reviewed by a complete novice(Pic related)
>> No. 104543
File 133833890994.jpg - (8.09KB , 251x201 , sun dissappoint.jpg )
104543
>>104542
Here I am, ready to begin to point out a gramatical error in the first sentence, and BAM comments not enabled. Please tell me when you enable comments, then I shall start the review. If you should choose not to do so, consider this a very quick renunciation of my claim.
>> No. 104547
>>104190
Good review. I've replied to some of the comments in-doc to note things I am glad you caught, wanted to clarify, or thought you might have missed.

In a review, it's a good idea to address the following things, even if only to say there were no problems, so that the writer knows you looked for them:

Mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation)
Style (Repetition, diction, show/tell, narrative voice, setting, etc.)
Characterizations (in-character, believable, well-developed, etc.)
Plot (holes, continuity, sensible, engaging, etc.)

It's personal preference whether you group them or go stream-of-consciousness where you address each comment as it comes up.

Of course, that's my opinion. Different reviewers have different styles. Find your voice and go with it.

Count this one a success, and welcome to the team.
>> No. 104557
Title: Super Mario Galaxy: Equestrian Stars
Author: warpd
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Sci-Fi
Synopsis: Mario continues his adventure to collect the power stars to stop the Koopa King from taking over the Universe. His journey takes him to the world of Equestria where he will find unique challenges and make a few new friends. Mario's arrival in Equestria will spark an adventure his new friends will never forget.

Link: https://docs.google.com/a/eplus.net/document/d/1kLT5IC5qtEdb4kz3-C8ptYSFxn-k3DbEtubq93uWy6E/edit?ndplr=1

The prereader from EQD had this to say about it:
My main issue with your story is that, generally, it's written below the standard of stories that are accepted to Equestria Daily. The grammar needs fixing. The premise is weak*. The dialogue is stilted and borderline out-of-character. Mario's line of, "It's a me, Mario" is cliche (and I grew up with the plumber, starting on the 8-bit NES game).

*By "weak premise," I mean that you start with a human playing the game which is a mod of Super Mario Galaxy... but I'm not entirely sure that is the best way to frame this crossover. All it does is to basically say, "And then they were all in the same world," which makes it feel weird and abrupt that they're all thrown together like that.

All in all, I recommend that you take this story to /fic/ for a review or two, and try to work on improving this story's quality.

Signed,
Prereader SR-388

I already have about twenty chapters on FIMfiction, but I just want a review on Chapter 1.
>> No. 104627
This is a preliminary review for Black Equinox. Unfortunately, I only read the first two chapters because by skimming the rest, the errors that appear in chapter 1 also appear through the rest. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to drop this. However, I don't want you to leave empty handed so here's a partial review of the systemic errors present in your story. It was very hard for me to read because of the following problems:

Systemic Errors:

Wrong dialogue punctuation
Excessive ellipses abuse (I swear you have one every other sentence)
Missing commas (If names are at the end or beginning of a sentence, commas go before/after them)
Massive Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
Confusing pronoun antecedents
Hard to tell whose is speaking or doing actions due to pronouns
Many instances of "seemed to" actions
Capitalization of non-proper nouns (Sun and Moon aren't capitalized because they're not proper nouns)
Multiple punctuation marks at the end of sentences (The interrobang is the only acceptable form of multiple punctuation)
Telling me every emotion the characters are feeling + the way they're talking.

I really want to go more indepth with the problems but since your story has already been published, that's a bit harder. Because of that, asking you to rewrite stuff wouldn't be unfair for your fans. Therefore, I just ignored story-related things since it won't really do any good at this point, would it?

More Indepth Notes:

Just from skimming, you have excessive use of ellipses, wrongly punctuated dialogue, missing a few commas that normally go before names at the end of a sentence, have a few cases of LUS, and capitalize nouns that aren't proper. I probably didn't point out every instance though, so you may want to take another look-see at your story. I tried, but then I would have to make most of your fic yellow. If you want me to undercover the deeper issues, you first have to clean up the basic errors first.

Punctuation is done incorrectly for most of your story, so here's a copy-paste.

You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark.

Need more information? Then visit Ezn's guide. He makes it much more clear than I can. Here's his guide below. Just scroll down to the "Dialogue - Said Tags" section and there you go.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit

>—?
>...?
>...!
>...,

You can't use multiple punctuation marks together like that. The only acceptable form is an interrobang, which is ?! or !?

When I say that you abuse ellipses, I really mean it. It seems like there is one in every sentence. Sometimes, you have more ellipses than sentences in the paragraph. There are other ways to indicate pauses, such as with commas or dashes, but you're overusing the pause to such a point that I want to shove nails into my eyeballs. The flow is too sporadic and feels like I'm reading a story read by a stoned Fluttershy. Overusing ellipses dilutes the impact when you finally need it and most of these ellipses don't even need to be there. You can replace them with commas, exclamation marks, periods, etc and still be fine. In fact, concerning the multiple explanation point mentioned above, there's just way too much.

You also have Lavender Unicorn Syndrome which makes it excessively confusing whose doing what in your story. Here's a copypaste by Vanner.

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

<Endquote>

It's confusing to tell who's talking because your speaker tags are unclear. You either use pronouns with unclear antecedents or Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) which makes it gratingly irritating to read your story. There's a lot of sentences that apply to one character but their dialogue is somewhere else, leading to more confusion with the pronouns.

A few other notes on your story. All instances of "seemed to" is filler and can be deleted without harm to your sentence. Applejack's accent is annoyingly hard to read. I'm not sure why you capitalized sun and moon. It's not like you were saying "Celestia's Sun" or "Luna's Moon" or anything (Don't use those btw, those have become a massive cliche by this point). A single tear is a cliche too, btw. There are also multiple misspellings of "Ugh." Somehow, you put down "Ulgh."

Anyway, I'm finding it very hard to enjoy the story because of the massive punctuation errors and other stuff. When the characters are talking, you outright tell us their tone of voice and when they make a facial expression, you tell us about what kind they're making as well. I just don't feel that much of a connection because of it. It sorta feels... melodramatic in a way. Yes, someone died but the excessive ellipses is very distracting.

I'm sorry for taking a long time. Life kept getting in the way. However, I found it very hard to continue reading the story. I did notice a few other things but really, it's harder to point out everything in a line by line if there's other bigger problems to worry about. So go back and fix the dialogue attribution, remove the multiple punctuation, and please kill most of your ellipses, then resubmit so we can go after the problems that really matter. Or at the very least, fix up chapter five and I'll take a look at that. (While being completely lost due to having not read 3 or 4. Your story is also confusing enough to read just by reading them in order).
>> No. 104637
File 133840681511.jpg - (8.65KB , 225x225 , happy luna.jpg )
104637
>>104543
Thank you for enabling comments. Im not going to edit in the hopes that you will learn to do it on your own but its a very good step in the right direction. Expect first chapter's review soon
>> No. 104665
File 133842923620.jpg - (280.46KB , 700x700 , com__pilgrim12345_by_kapieren-d3inieq.jpg )
104665
>>102199

Line by line (with grammatical corrections and rules): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u10y9x8OIc8lx08hKXg_sAHLKG4Ll7YMYE1VBX8NCCE/edit

To put things simply, your story cuts corners. Two very important corners.

Prose:

To put it simply, your description is lacking. You tell us what happens, but that's it. You're underutilising the tools at your disposal. What does being on a C130 sound like? Smell like? What were the other ponies talking about? Was it hot or cold? There's so much to creating a world that's enjoyable to live in and read, but you're only creating a sliver of that. Reading your story is like trying to watch a movie through a keyhole. Fix that.

Second, there's way too many grammatical errors in your work. Either find an editor or learn to do it yourself, there's no reason to have technical issues with your work.

Worldbuilding:

The other issue with this story is that it doesn't explain itself. The protagonist was part of a war? What war was that? When was it? Who was it against? Was it a war of ideologies? There's attempts at a democratic revolution. Why? What caused these ponies to go up in arms? Are they armed? For that matter, we have no idea what kind of technologies the ponies have. Do they have guns? Spears? If they have spears, then why do they have internal combustion technology but not firearm technology? What kind of military structure does Equestria have? Why? What kind of enemies do they have? Worldbuilding is all about answering the great whys and hows. Your story fails to do that, and as a result seems stilted and awkward.

My prescription: Add some description in there and fix some of your grammatical mistakes. Then, come back and see if your revisions pass the test. As for worldbuilding, I find it helps to write down some of the events and important characters. Securing details about the world leads to greater internal consistency.

As always, feel free to contact via this thread, e-mail or the IRC if you have any questions.

(Add more description) and keep writing.
>> No. 104668
File 133843029162.jpg - (8.95KB , 252x200 , twilight shocked.jpg )
104668
>>104537
Ho boy this is going to sound harsh but bear with me.

First lets talk about your grammar, or lack thereof. You ran the gambit when it comes to grammatical errors. Once I realised how poor the grmmar was, my reaction was something along this example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6MlaIe1ljs Individual instances are pointed out in the review, but I'll say this: I had to make so many comments my browser slowed down and even crashed at one point due to the influx of comments. And thats only the first read through. You'll need to do so major revising if you ever hope to see this on EQD. But thats not what Im going to focus on here.

Now lets move onto characterization. To put it bluntly your characters went to ooc way too often. From the first paragraph it becomes clear that you aren't entirely familiar with these characters. Try rewatching some episodes to see what I mean. To point out individual instances, Twilight is finding things for Spike. That is completely backwards too me and in the continuity of the show. Learn the characters quirks and capitalize on them.

Now onto the plot. Now I was exicted for a unique shipping fic but this first chapter doesn't bode well for the rest of the fic. OOC instances are partially to blame but still I dont feel for Twilight. She struck out with a guy, but I dont take her as one who would let something as simple as not having a special somepony as reason to lock herself in a room and cry for hours about it. There are other issues that contribute to this and when I've read more of the fic I'll get to them but just know that I don't sympathize with Twilight which isn't a good thing. In fact Twilight comes off a little cold at times.

Worst of all the fic just feels rushed. Its painful to read intersting ideas get squished it the sake of time. Show dont tell was a frequent problem, and it really takes away from this fics potential.

Now I dont want to be completely negative. Your foreshadowing of Lyras role in the fic was very well done. That and the set up for the fic is good but it needs work. If you can fix this first chapter up this could be a very interesting ship, but as is its a pretty sloppy one. Im going as far as to recommend a complete rewrite on this.

Sorry to be so negative. If you feel Im wrong put it up for a second opinion. Still, Im very sure it is well below even the most lenient of EQD's prereaders standerds. Sorry.

I'll continue to review chapter by chapter. Second one may be out tommorow but Im not entirely sure as its my grad day tommorow. The whole thing should be done by Sunday.

In conclusion: I do not have enough Ellie Goulding music to assist me in this review
>> No. 104669
File 133843066774.jpg - (30.92KB , 639x354 , PinkiePie.jpg )
104669
>>104668

>First lets talk about your grammar, or lack thereof.
>lets
>grammar

Dohohoho.

Joking, just messin' with ya.

(I make mistakes like that too often)
>Sage
>> No. 104670
File 133843069484.jpg - (7.04KB , 225x225 , not a clever pony.jpg )
104670
>>104668
Please excuse my numerous grammactical errors in the review. I should really think before posting.
>> No. 104678
>>104627

I acknowledge this view, albeit grudgingly.

I'll be frank: I'm not happy. I'm REALLY not happy.

I've been polite and patient, more than most would be, I should think. But there comes a point where one's patience runs thin.

I waited over a month for this review, only to get something back that repeated to me the same simple errors ad-nauseum and NEVER got to what I actually care about: the story itself. The idea that I might have to wait even a QUARTER as long AGAIN to actually reach this point makes me want to throw my wireless mouse against the wall.

Nevertheless I'm going through my chapters like a weed-whacker, inverting capitals and deleting ellipses with vindictive abandon.

When the characters are talking, you outright tell us their tone of voice and when they make a facial expression, you tell us about what kind they're making as well

This confuses me. I've actually been making a point to indirectly describe facial expressions and body-language so as to show, rather than tell.

I don't doubt the first two chapters are the worst offenders in the "telling" department, but you sound like you're suggesting I shouldn't even describe someone's tone of voice. I wish I knew how to describe someone's tone of voice the way I could do to someone's body-language, but I don't. If you had any links about such topics, I'd be fascinated.

If you're saying I outright SAY the feeling associated with their statement —ie: angrily, happily, frustratedly, etc— then I understand.

Lastly, I'm doing fine cutting ellipses as this point, but at places I simply can't find anything better to use.

("I thought I destroyed those abominable... THINGS! Where did you even—? Actually, nix that; I do not want to know," Rarity seethed.")

I'm sure ellipses must have an appropriate use, or else they'd be banned altogether. So I might ask the simpler question of what an appropriate use of ellipses actually looks like.

If I weren't afraid of getting derailed like this again, I'd ask for a second opinion, but it looks like the upload of my next chapter is going to be delayed. Again.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding unfair. It's crunch time for me. Some asshole yesterday told me my 3D modelling project was due today, so I worked myself to tears last night getting a week's worth of work done overnight, only for me to have a whole week left still.

But still, Eustachian Wings and DuncanR managed to make it to chapter four and helped me immensely. By comparison, giving up partway through chapter two because you're so hung-up over a couple consistent errors makes me feel like you didn't care. I wouldn't even mind as much if I hadn't pretty much gotten the point before you were halfway done adding comments to chapter one. It just feels like you've got nothing for me, or that someone taking a passing glance could have told me what I'd done wrong and moved on to bigger problems.
>> No. 104683
File 133843555619.png - (696.51KB , 900x660 , NightRun.png )
104683
>>104678

Hey dude, you seem a bit unhappy. Why not shut the fuck up and take the review for what it's worth. And oh look, it's worth a lot. It tells you the errors that appear consistently and how you can go about fixing them. Also, since you're already a published story, perhaps you should consider finding a more permanent reviewer? An editor perhaps. It'll help cut down on the wait time, asshole.

Also, before you decide to be butthurt in ttg, consider this. Dublio is a human being just like me. He gets distracted. He gets bored. He has a point in which certain errors become too distracting to continue on. Yet he helps you. Now please, delete your post and come back when you'll be more civil. I'll do likewise.
>> No. 104685
>>104678

>I waited over a month for this review, only to get something back that repeated to me the same simple errors ad-nauseum and NEVER got to what I actually care about: the story itself.

>>104537

>Comments/requests: Keep an eye out for grammar if you can. Even when I think i've gotten it all I normally havn't gotten half of it.

I feel like there's a picture on the internet somewhere that perfectly captures this, but I don't really feel like searching for it...
>> No. 104686
File 133843640901.png - (126.95KB , 900x680 , vinyl_scratch_being_cute_by_rockclaw123-d4kokmt.png )
104686
>>104678
In the case of your example you would kill the question mark.

An appropriate ellipses is used when a character trails off while speaking, or pauses while speaking but has no action during the pause.

One example of these differences would be:
"Hey, man... What's up?"
"Hey, man," Dash greeted, tucking away her wings. "What's up?"

Ellipses should almost never show up in dialogue, and by almost never, I'm saying they should only show up one time, one in five stories, maybe.

Take the places where you have ellipses and break the dialogue up like so:
"(dialogue)." (body language/action) "(rest of dialogue)."

There are probably lots of places where you have ellipses that are just simply unecessary, and little to no effect is lost if you simply replaced them with a period, comma, or no punctuation at all.

As far as using tell such as 'said angrily' or 'groaned in frustration,' you have to look at the context and use what is necessary. In some cases the dialogue already carries its own tone:

"Huh, what do you mean?" Dash asked, giving her a puzzled look.

Here I would go with:

"Huh, what do you mean?"

The dialogue already carries its own tone. you can actually use this to your advantage once you know how it works to leave the reader imagining how a line is delivered.

Something I occasionally find myself doing, is making faces at the monitor. Where you have 'looked angrily,' try actually looking angry, and note how your eyes narrow your lips stretch into a grimace, and maybe even your nostrils flair.

Growling, shouting, whispering. Types of speech can infer tone used as well by using 'X speech verbed.'

The real trick is figuring out how not to use the exact same description of a character being confused, sad, or angry twice in the same chapter.
>> No. 104688
File 133843663685.jpg - (122.07KB , 680x751 , 1335589628233.jpg )
104688
Everyone stop and think twice. Really, do it. Make sure you're doing something that's constructive in this situation.

There is a good way to handle this, but people don't like to take the path of calmness and reason.

Think twice, don't have regrets, and above all, don't make things worse.

Be calm.
>> No. 104689
File 133843675559.jpg - (32.55KB , 500x500 , Awefulfun.jpg )
104689
>>104688

Too late for this.

Advice taken.
>> No. 104690
File 133843709047.png - (258.12KB , 650x593 , My Chaos is Full of Fuck.png )
104690
Why can't this just be between the reviewer and the reviewee? Why does everything like this require getting up in arms? Is Dublio not capable of defending himself or resolving this matter with JDude in a civilized manner on his own?

Remember these words of Solomon:
> He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.
>> No. 104691
File 133843714284.jpg - (117.77KB , 800x695 , 132700961228.jpg )
104691
What a nice-looking queue this thread has racked up. I'll help out and claim some old 'uns:

"Looking Glass, P.I: Coins and Crowns" by Kavonde
and
"The Quiet Place" by Aynine.

Both these stories are pretty long, so I'm gonna take a bit about them. Less than a week but more than a day, probably—you know how it goes.
>> No. 104698
>>103492
Title: Unintentionally Yours
Author: JusticeSnake
Posted: 5/21

Hello. I'm a reviewer new to The Training Grounds, but I hope my input can be appreciated. My only real experience with reviewing prior to this is editing and reviewing Short Skirts and Explosions's works, Background Pony and End of Ponies.

JusticeSnake, I'll be sending you along an e-mail shortly to let you know I've started.
>> No. 104702
>>104698
Sir, I think with your work with SSnE's epics, you're far more qualified than me.
>> No. 104705
>>104702

You flatter me, sir! I'll do my best.
>> No. 104707
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Dublio, I'm sure you did your best (or worst, depending how you view critiquing). I appreciate that you recognized how badly ignored I'd been in the queue and took it upon yourself to rectify it. You have a life. It's easy for someone to get frustrated by the invisible burdens and silences of what the human brain perceives as sentient chunks of text. Like I said, harsh week, and I have few regular outlets. Not really an excuse, but sorry I took it out on you instead of a Left 4 Dead zombie.

A few things though, looking at the recent posts:

1: You can delete posts? Oh, you mean the password thing? Y'know I've tried that before. Never friggin' worked for me. Always told me I had the wrong password.

2: PERMANENT reviewer? That actually sounds quite interesting, though I don't know how that works. Do people volunteer for stuff like that, or is it some sort of paid service? It sounds like it would be, unless someone is just really interested in a story or supremely bored.

3: @soundslikeponies:

Thanks for that, sounds like what I figured before. I like that "body-language" trick you mentioned.

Also, I know Dublio said not to do "multiple punctuation" I think it was. So "—?" isn't allowed either?! Damn, proper writing, why do you have to make expressing myself so difficult? XD So I just have to hope the reader realizes that was going to be a question? Man, that bites. Yeah, I know, show-don't-tell, don't assume the reader is braindead...

Also, something else about Dublio's review I kinda' scratch my head at: he says I'm misspelling "Ugh."

And... I gotta say, I wasn't aware "ugh" was a word. Kinda' like "AAAARGH!" or "Gyaaargh!"

I mean, I just kinda' thought those were a free-for-all, where you just spelled whatever you wanted it to sound like. I use "urgh" and "ulgh" because I think they evoke something different. I mean, is that legit? Are there really rules for this sort of thing?

More and more I think I'm understanding why critics say the Harry Potter books aren't written all that well, because whenever I follow their lead on certain pieces of writing-style, a reviewer smacks me for doing so and tells me "No!"
>> No. 104715
>>104698
Thank you. We shall touch base.
I look forward to the heavy slugging ahead, heh.
>> No. 104720
>>104707
>2: PERMANENT reviewer? That actually sounds quite interesting, though I don't know how that works. Do people volunteer for stuff like that, or is it some sort of paid service? It sounds like it would be, unless someone is just really interested in a story or supremely bored.

Unless people are super invested in your story like say... End of Ponies or Past Sins (yes, it had editors due to its notoriety), you're not likely to have anyone working for free. A more workable system would be going back to the same reviewer again and requesting for his service.

>More and more I think I'm understanding why critics say the Harry Potter books aren't written all that well,
Harry Potter is akin to McDonald's of fiction. :P
>> No. 104726
File 133845499064.png - (109.41KB , 900x800 , ____by_thatsgrotesque-d4xi9hf.png )
104726
>>104720
>Harry Potter is akin to McDonald's of fiction. :P
Fattening.
>> No. 104728
Author: KangTheSpartan
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Crossover][Shipping][Human?*]
(* the story will only feature humans later on in a flashback. I'm not sure if that justifies the tag.)

Synopsis: In the aftermath of a huge explosion in the Everfree Forest, Ponyville soon finds itself as the new home for Lucario, an "Aura Pokémon" from another dimension. While he avoids explaining what has happened to him and where he came from, he repays his new friends' kindness by protecting them from the evil forces that suddenly appears around Equestria. All the while, a certain princess of the night watches his every move, unable to judge if this new visitor will bring safety or utter destruction upon the land.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22733/Friendship-is-Aura

Equestria Daily has pointed out Comma usage, tense errors and minor errors in capitalization, formatting, apostrophe usage, and other areas.

It would be appreciated if you could give criticism on each chapter. Thank you for your help!
>> No. 104768
>>103492

To begin, there's a lot of grammar issues, style and formatting issues, some prose that starts to turn purple, and LUS all over the place. Keep working on fixing all of that in the Google Document I sent to you that contains all the points that need editing. I won't bother going over it here, as you've seen everything that needs fixing already.

Beyond all of those little things, this story is solid. Very well written, very solid characterization, a bit of humor, and it's kind of sweet from a 'shipping' perspective. I like the relationship that you've started to build between Spike and Applejack. The little argument that breaks out at the dinner table at Sweet Apple Acres is fun, especially when taken in the context that you've set that Apple Bloom may have a crush on Spike.

The toughest part of this story, still, is the beginning. We start in the episode 'A Dog and Pony Show', and you constrain yourself to not changing any of the things that happen, only elaborating on the character's thoughts during that episode. I respect that choice, but because of that, it feels like your story really doesn't start until after that moment. There's not really a way around that, though, since the premise of the story is based around the moment when AJ and Spike nearly kiss, and so leaving it in is just going to have to happen. That, or writing in something else, which is certainly a possibility.

Really, it's the development afterwords that makes the story great, and well worth reading. Solid writing, good storytelling, and with issues corrected, this stands a good chance of getting past the EQD Pre-readers. You hit a stride after the beginning that continues through the story, and it's clean and crisp writing with very little getting in the way of telling the story.

As it currently stands, I give it a 6.5/10, but with the edits completed, it's definitely a 8/10. Nice work! I'll get to work on chapter two shortly.
>> No. 104772
File 133850703010.png - (33.27KB , 173x196 , Pinkie with B crown.png )
104772
>>104153

For a first fic, the author of “Grey Dusk” does a pretty good job at getting across the overall tone and emotion in the story. However, it is marred by numerous technical errors and glosses over several potentially interesting scenes. On the whole this piece does not have a lot of verisimilitude, as the frequent tense changes and bolded scene transitions detract from the storyline.

Some internal dialogue is used, but it is sometimes unclear which character is thinking. Punctuation is misplaced or absent often. Some words are capitalized unnecessarily.

The introduction starts in medias res, as a dying Octavia whispers a secret into her friend Vinyl’s ear. We then flash back to three months earlier, where the soon-to-be-deceased is diagnosed with some kind of lung virus that is believed to be “hereditary”. The connection between the two main characters starts to become apparent here, but the action quickly slides into a brief paraphrase of the next two months. Octavia suddenly collapses at the end of this and a somewhat awkward scene transition occurs, jumping ahead three days.

Few details are given as to the particulars of Octavia’s disease other than that she suffers from intense coughing fits; the unusually slow onset of symptoms conflicts with the claim of it being a virus. Long segments of dialogue with almost nothing breaking up the conversation cut into the gravity of the situation. The quick and almost playful banter between the two friends seems somewhat out of place in this part of the story.

The exact relationship between Vinyl and Octavia is not fully elaborated upon. They appear to share some sort of apartment in Canterlot and live in different rooms, but no background is given. They begin collaborating on a musical piece, with Octavia’s difficulty in crafting a good ending serving as a subtle metaphor for her reluctance to face death (although this does conflict with her later statement of being prepared to die in the company of her family and friend).

Suddenly, the plot is derailed when Octavia goes “insane” in the middle of the night, apparently from depression. It is somewhat hard to believe that a pony who had just gone to a carnival and has shown no overt signs of extreme sadness can become so depressed they cut themselves all over and throw violins. However, it leaves room for Vinyl to travel to Ponyville and tell Pinkie Pie about her sister. Meanwhile, Blinkie, accompanied by Lyra, visits Octavia.

Pinkie’s reaction is as to be expected, becoming sad and anxious. She drops the revelation that her mother died from the same disease because doctors couldn’t reach their remote rock farm. After a short meeting with the bed-ridden musician, Pinkie seems much happier, for no clear reason, and invites Vinyl to see Octavia after her.

The final scene is somewhat confusing. Right before Octavia dies, she tells her friend that she wanted to spend her last moments with her. Vinyl seems upset at the implication that she knew she was going to die, but the reasoning is not clear, as they were both told so by the doctor at the beginning of the story. Octavia’s passing has the most description out of any part of the tale.

Overall, this fic seems a bit underdeveloped. There is minimal exposition as to the setting or the relationships between characters. The usage of present tense is well done, but the author occasionally slips into past tense. As a whole, the plot is straightforward, but is missing significance; Octavia’s death is relatively peaceful and expected, and little sympathy for Vinyl’s loss is stirred up. Good for a light read when in need of a fast-paced sad story.

To Maple: As a first attempt, good job! I recommend more practice at setting up the personality of each of the protagonists, especially Vinyl, and using more description of the setting. I hope you find my review is all in order, and I have left some comments on the doc pointing out technical errors. If you keep going forward with this story, make sure to give your readers some kind of a puzzle to be figured out or a solid conflict into investigating Octavia’s death. That’s all.

P.S. I don’t give numerical ratings. Sorry if you were expecting that.
>> No. 104781
>>104665

Thanks for the very detailed review. This gives me a lot of good information to go forward with. I'll definitely be working on those for a while.

Again, much appreciated.
>> No. 104783
>>104707
You actually are allowed a question mark after a dash or ellipsis to preserve the interrogative character of the sentence.
>> No. 104784
>>104627
Is there a preferred order for the interrobang?
Like, is it better to use ?! over !?, or is it just personal preference?
>> No. 104785
>>104784

I have it in my head that it's "!?" and not the other way around. It's been forever since grade school, though, so I might not be correct.
>> No. 104791
All right, a question for the other reviewers and anyone else that wants to chime in.

When using Applejack's nickname, AJ, is it acceptable to write it out phonetically - Ay-Jay? Or just leave it at AJ?
>> No. 104794
>>104791
AJ or A.J. But don't spell it out, that's terrible.
>> No. 104796
>>104794

Yeah, I think so too. I just wanted a second opinion. The fic I'm reviewing right now does that all the time.
>> No. 104798
>>104796
AJ
Spelling it as A.J. implies it's two words.
>> No. 104801
>>103492

This is, by far, a superior chapter to chapter one. The writing is better, the story is more developed, you have far less errors. The developing romance between Spike and Applejack is fun and cute. There are some issues, though, and I'll hit those now.

First of all, there is a large issue in your plot. Previously in the chapter, it's said that Twilight has two days to go get Spike. Celestia apparently had to work hard to get Twilight those two days to get Spike, and then... Twilight stops and has a chat with Spike's Mom for most of a day. This... well, it's a little surprising.

I could see Twilight maybe giving Spike's Mom the answers to a few questions, but I think it would be far more in character for her to want to get to Spike as soon as she could. It would also be in character for her to not care what Spike's Mom wants to know, because she's mad. Really, really pissed.

Secondly, there's this urgency in the chapter that is totally out of nowhere. There is an ultimatum, yes. They have two days to get Spike to Canterlot. That's a lot of time, and there's no reason for Spike and Twilight to simply rush off as they did. Develop a reason for that. Have the Lord of Dragons issue a 'the sooner the better' kind of statement, and GIVE a reason for that urgency and that need to leave quickly. Otherwise, I'd imagine that Twilight would want Spike to spend as much time as he could with her, AJ, and the rest of the group. After all, Celestia gave her the time to say a proper goodbye, and they do the opposite. Quick goodbye and then they rush away. That needs to be fixed.

Second, characterization. Most everyone was decent to spot-on. The only character that felt a little weak was Fluttershy. There were a few lines (pointed out in the g-doc) that were uncharacteristic of her typical demeanor, or outright odd. She's also a fairly intelligent pony, and so having her be confused as to why 'spikes parents want him' might be an issue comes across a little odd. Don't confuse her shy, introverted attitude as being a little slow on the uptake. Mostly, she was fine, but those few lines threw it off.

There's some technical errors, but they're in the g-doc I sent you. This is a bit shorter of a chapter, so it didn't take long to edit. Hopefully when you start writing the third chapter, IF there's a third chapter and that isn't the end, you'll be able to spot those errors yourself and be able to correct as you work.

On that note, I enjoyed reading this second chapter, and had a lot of fun working on this piece of fan fiction as a whole. You have a fairly well developed writing style (if a bit archaic at times), and though there are technical errors, you don't have nearly the volume that I've seen in some work. If you continue to practice, and learn from my suggestions and edits, you'll improve significantly. You've got the talent, now just improve those skills!

I'd give this chapter a solid 7/10, and with edits a 8.5/10. Good work.
>> No. 104818
File 133852766455.png - (189.71KB , 1509x1509 , 46532bce_scootaloo_idea[1].png )
104818
>>104151
Discordant: by Ezra09
Has this been claimed yet? If no, can I claim it? I was lurking, like I always do around this time, and noticed this stars Scootaloo and Discord, two of my favorite ponies. Scootaloo is best pony! The queue on my thread is empty, and this has been sitting for a few days, so unless somepony has an objection, I'm claiming this.
>> No. 104820
>>104784
>>104785
"?!" is more common, but either is fine. There's also "‽" but it looks a bit odd.
>> No. 104821
>>104784
My personal preference is ?! It looks weird to me the other way.
>> No. 104829
>>104784
>>104820
>>104821
Thanks!
>> No. 104860
File 133855920073.jpg - (81.55KB , 500x584 , wat.jpg )
104860
>>103682
>>103694
Picked it up on a whim. The author didn't have any special requests, and comments weren't enabled, so I'll just do a simple read-through. Anyone else who wants to chip in can do so. This is not a commited claim.

benxlabs, if you're not satisfied with this, please reply and state so, and then the maintainers can keep you in the queue so that you can get a second opinion. Also feel free to reply with any questions/rebuttals/as you would have it.

tl;dr, pic and title summarizes what I felt after reading.

>distant
>constant beration
Distant is when you aren't in contact with them much. Someone who constantly nags at you can't be called "distant".

>totalitarian dictatorship
Overkill, since both are almost the same thing.

First two paragraphs: when you're not using disjointed sentences (e.g. He came from a noble family. A perfectionist family. A family that allowed no mistakes.), almost all of your sentences are "He did X".

>The problem was, he
The problem was that he

>But with a sharp mind comes great discipline

came; tense slipping

>remembered, that at school,
delete both commas

>You could do anything!
>you could not rouse him for hours.
>Well, you know what they say: “Third time’s the charm!”
Jmoz, the guy who reviews my multi-chaptered stuff, does not like it when sentences directly address the reader in regular narration. I'm siding with him. Either not include it at all or make it part of the main character's thoughts i.e. use italics.

>"web"
What's with the quotes? "Web" is pretty much a standard word; it isn't a special term or anything.

>pushed away his sadness
Unrealistic. One does not simply push away sadness, hun. If that were possible, nobody would be depressed in this world.

>3 weeks
Don't use numerals in prose. It's a rule of thumb.

>, in which he had a new outlook on life.
Perhaps "during which", "he gained a new"

>inside, and
>again, on how
delete comma

>sentence structure: "He X"
You have a lot of this. Like, almost every non-disjointed sentences. Have I mentioned this already? Because you really do do it a lot.

>But as they say: Nothing golden can stay
I have never heard of this phrase, and it feels like you included it simply because it rhymes.

>words: Words
I believe that you don't need to capitalize the word directly after colons.

>half the rich peoples neighborhood
peoples'

And "rich peoples' neighbourhood" is a rather crude way of putting it, don't you think? A bit like referring to your class as "those people in school". Just "neighbourhood" will do

>Every Time
Random caps is random

>But this time, he had a plan,
You've mentioned that already. Also, "but this time" infers that this is a contrast; I can't find anything that shows when a party occured before that MC didn't have a plan. i.e. your use of "but" is redundant.

>“Um...Mother?”
Um... Mother

>“Why is my room’s door locked?”
>“Well honey,
Random paragraphing is random

>the MC's "plan"
Why did he have to sneak the knife in during the party? If he was going to wait until 5a.m. anyways, why couldn't he do the whole sneaking thing then, instead of running the risk of being caught?

>He realized he must stab again before the pain hit him
>If he uttered a single scream, it would all be over.
>With a small grunt, he pulled the bloody murder tool out
>refer to pic

Aaaand this is where it stops getting amusing for me. The above touch on general rules of writing, presented so that the experience would be at least a bit educational for you. I have not touched on "show vs. tell" yes, I believe in using that phrase, pony characterization (didn't make it that far) or world-building, or any of the other trickier aspects of writing; the reason for that is below.

>solid gold clock
>whiny super-rich kid protag, played straight
>unrealistic expectations on behalf of parents, and I mean seriously unrealistic: shouting at him for "not being perfect" - I'm sorry, what? - and I'm Asian
>50-digit bank account password
>the title of your doc
>the ridiculousless of the whole "suicide" scene; how could he not feel pain upon stabbing himself in the chest? - among other bones to pick
There are, I suppose, 3 possiblites to this.

1) you're trying too hard to be funny
2) you're not trying at all
3) you're doing a parody

The first 2 assume that you're actually trying to do a run-of-the-mill BiE story without the Brony part - depressed protag loses will to live, kills him and lands in Equestria, becomes Sympathy Sue, ensue shpping etc..

If it's 1), well, you're not funny, simply as that. The grammar is fairly clean and the wording is fine, albeit simple, so the lack of reality + positive character development of the first paragraph scores a 3/10 on the scale - not as bad as an "Eww, do not want" 1/10, but a "Wat bordering on Meh" 3/10.

If it's 2), then, well, I see no reason for you to ask me for a full review, and I will not give you one even if you ask for it. If you haven't put in any effort to make this story the best it can be, what makes you think that others will want to?

Applying to 1) and 2) above,
Your MC is a caricature of a person. You make him rich, lifeless, depressed, stressed and very angry, but he doesn't feel like a person who'd actually exist in real life, on grounds that not very many people in this world are as downright rich/lifeless/etc. as he is. Sure, there are plenty of rich but depressed/angry people in, say, Hong Kong, but what makes them real? The fact that you can see them do things regular people do - talk like normal people, eat like normal people, have affairs healthy relationships like normal people. It's in the presentation, and you've failed in this regard.

Let's look a bit deeper into your character. His one major action up till the end of chapter 1 is killing himself. His motivation is because he's lost his will to live. That's still normal territory.

He's lost his will to live because he doesn't have his computer no more. That's crossing the line for most readers; it doesn't make good sense, or they're thinking, that's a horrible excuse for a reason to kill oneself (and it is). I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that it's happened before, in a few but widely-reported cases of Internet withdrawal.

He doesn't have his computer because his parents were worried - fair enough. He's become an addict. Why? Because he used to be depressed because his parents were "distant", that they berated him for not being perfect. Or, because he felt that they didn't care about him. But his parents did care about him, else they wouldn't have taken his computer away. Owait.

The parents' apparent lack of care in the first paragraph is still a big hole in logic for me. The worst a crap parent could do is not care too much; it's not care at all.

Even if you made the motivations realistic, we can't and won't care for such a whiny MC. He's evidently rich and is covered in that aspect. He's sheltered as far as physical needs are concerned - something, if tumblr is anything to go by, is an actual issue for some of the fandom. When you know of somebody who can't pay the rent, you tend to not feel sympathy for someone whose parents nag at him for a comparitively lousy reason.

If it's 3), well, the jury's still out on that one. Again, it's not funny, but it did elicit a "wat", which is a legitimate goal/purpose for writing parodies. Personally, I don't feel it's a good one, but whatever floats your boat, right?

The thing is, for 3), there is funnier stuff out there. Refer to attached pic, for example. It elicits as much of a "wat" as our fic does, but on the funnier side because it's so bizzaro, and does so in a lot less words.

In short, I'm not sure where you want to go with this. If you're being serious, then you need to ground this better in reality. If you're not being serious, then, well, it'd be good for both of us if we just left it at this.
>> No. 104861
File 133855998513.jpg - (55.99KB , 770x597 , Megaman_Derp_1754708.jpg )
104861
>>104860
>kills him and
*kills himself

>simply as that
*simple as that

>pic

And, because I feel like I've come across as a dick, and I honestly don't mean to, in which case, due apologies,

4) you're just getting into the whole writing thing and need more experience, in which case, go read a book. Read something published. I wholeheartedly recommend anything by P.G. Wodehouse and Terry Prachett. Even Harry Potter works in the sense that you can feel Harry's angst and think "Well, it's understandable". Read something, and then read some more, and see what the authors do and don't mention about the characters.

I won't deny that the first chapter struck me as a sillier form of Brony-in-Equestria, but it was wrong of me to deny the possiblity that prhaps you just need more experience. You do have your fair grammar going for you and that's always a plus.
>> No. 104862
File 133856022510.gif - (738.36KB , 457x540 , 133769757404.gif )
104862
Hello!

Is it possible to get a waiting/existing Review request adjusted? I'm not sure what the usual process is for this but my original request can be found here:

>>104126

I'd like to adjust the request as per the below please?

- Review of Chapter 1 ONLY (5000 words)
- I've edited this chapter based on received feedback from the EQD Readers and would like to request the reviewer give some focus to the Show/Tell of Chapter 1. Umm, if that's okay?

I think I've got the main grammar issues with Chapter 1 but obviously if I have missed some please let me know, along with any character issues etc.

If that's okay? I can re-submit if I need to but wasn't sure what the best policy for asking to adjust my previous request would be.

Thanks guys,
Mark
>> No. 104875
File 133857345283.jpg - (6.94KB , 204x204 , 5t746767.jpg )
104875
Well I’m likely the easiest pony to please on this site, but nonetheless, this was an enjoyable read.

The first paragraph is delicious, I can’t quite tell if you carefully thought this out or simply stumbled upon it, but Discord’s psychological state in this first passage is excellent, from his frustration towards imprisonment, to his resentment of Celestia, all the way down to his stubbornness to find another way free. Well done.

As for the crusaders themselves, I must applaud you, Apple Bloom’s dialogue, Scootaloo’s love of extreme sports, and the fact that they jumped into it before taking all the necessary precautions. I actually read the entire thing in their voices, and that’s a rarity for me.

Now to the not as well done parts.

> Oh what do they know? It will be fun.
It’s a bit unclear whose thought this is. My guess is Scootaloo but it could be made clearer.

>They hit a snowdrift, leaving three Crusader shaped holes in the white powder.
The girls would not know this tiny little piece of information at this time, but it’s allowable in third person limited, and adds a comedic feel to the story. I hope that was your intent.

>Scootaloo’s head snapped up. There it was again, the feeling that somepony had been talking to her.
Now this tells the reader that the speaker is Discord, but you gave no indication as to who it was earlier. Judging by the use of the word “again” I assume you simply forgot about that when you wrote it. You should fix that.

>She thought somepony was whispering nearby, but decided it was just the wind.
This sentence should be used as the first instance of Scootaloo noticing Discord’s presence, not the last.
>> No. 104876
>>104862
Your entry in the queue has been updated.
>> No. 104880
File 133857815512.jpg - (7.02KB , 207x243 , 24368341328.jpg )
104880
Okay, right from the first sentence, we have a problem.
> Celestia's sun
Celestia’s sun? Really? We all know Celestia controls the sun, but calling it Celestia’s sun in the story, or at all for that matter, is somewhat obnoxious, get rid of that.

You’ve got a lot of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome this time.
> the orange pegasus answered
LUS, you don’t need it here.
> Applebloom's sister
LUS again, just say if you’re going to go through the trouble of writing Apple Bloom’s name, and her name is two words by the way, why not just write Apple jack ?
> The cow-pony asked skeptically
Apple Bloom has just addressed Applejack, so this is somewhat acceptable, but I would still change it.

> Uh, nopony. Somepony
… Only because Scootaloo.

> the orange filly replied
LUS once again, I hope I don’t need to tell you why this isn’t acceptable here.

> She'd had one or two hard years on the farm, back before she and Big Macintosh could help with the harvest. She'd worn that embarrassed smile plenty of times herself.
This one takes me back to high school English class . We had to do these every day. , where we had to do these every day. Those are two very related sentences, so change that period to a comma and change “She’d” to “and had”.

> tuning out her friend's argument
If she’s tuning it out, we shouldn’t be about to tune in. You should move this sentence over to where she stares out the window, it fits better there.

> Scootaloo glared at them, breathing hard. Sweetie Belle dropped her head, but Applebloom returned the glare with one of her own.
Tread carefully, if not for Discord, I would mark this scene as one giant over-reaction.

> Ya've been kinda out of it all morning
I’ll have to do some more in depth research to see if they would actually say this, but I’m pretty sure you’ve inserted your own speech pattern here. I’ve seen it before.

> The pegasus shrugged
LUS

> The orange pegasus
LUS

> Twilight Sparkle and friends came into view in the street ahead of them.
This is thrown in for no reason at all, and adds nothing to the story. Get rid of it.

> Look like the sun'll set soon
I think you meant “Looks”

> “Look, it's Derpy,” Applebloom whispered, pointing to the gray mail mare waving from the stage.
Nothing wrong here, I just needed an example. This Is an example of when LUS is appropriate. You can’t just fling it around to avoid naming a character, it needs to be tied to a name, just like this.

> “Oh, Celestia help them,” Scootaloo muttered.
What? No eyeroll? Scootaloo is known for her sarcasm. Why waste the opportunity? That’s just my opinion.

> The pegasus glanced over her shoulder
LUS. This could actually be taken for any pegasus in the room.

> The ponies gathered around her, pushing towards the chamber in which the grand summit would be held. The pegasi around her wore armor or dresses, and she suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable.
It’s unclear here who the subject of your pronoun is. It could be Scootaloo, or somepony in the play. Make that clearer.

> “Who'd ever make Pinkie a leader?” Scootaloo asked herself.
This is a difficult one to judge simply because of the writing style you’ve used. If Scootaloo is actually saying this out loud, then it’s fine. If this is just her thoughts, normally it should be written in italics, but you’ve decided to reserve that for Discord’s thoughts only, which is what makes this difficult.

> The pegasus smiled at her, showing off a single fang and mismatched eyes. He had two horns, also mismatched.
I thought he only had enough power left to influence her emotions, not appear as an apparition before her. and why doesn’t she find it strange that a pegasus has horns ?

> “Then why do they get to decide that we're enemies?” He pointed down to the center of the room.
Okay, this whole scene her is just too much of a stretch. It’s just a play… about Equestria’s history, and Scootaloo knows that. Discord shouldn’t be able to upset her in this way. And in the next passage,
> It isn't just them. Oh, Scootaloo, just imagine how much better things could be. Celestia's ancient, set in her ways. Why does winter come each year? Why does it snow? Because our ruler, the one who controls the sun itself, believes it must.
it gets even worse. You don’t think Scoots would find it strange: a pegasus, who bears a strange resemblance to the draconequus who terrorized Ponyville earlier that year, and seems so opinionated against Celestia? This is not at all believable.

> I know what you've gone through. Foster parents that don't care, lonely nights, hunger. It just isn't fair. I want to help you make things better.
Now that sounds like Discord. From this point on this chapter once again, becomes delectable reading material.
>> No. 104912
STATISTICS
Unclaimed: 21
Reviews awaiting acknowledgment: 8
Reviews In Progress: 5

Total reviews: 831
Est. Total since founding: >1100

We here at the training grounds provide excellent service. While it might take a while to receive it. It’s inevitable, but please keep in mind: people who review do this by spending their free-time. While you’re waiting, jump in and help!

Not all authors are waiting for an in-depth-line-by-line review. Some want a general view for their story, or a direction they should take with grammar. You can comment upon plot-holes, strange sentencing, OOCness of certain characters, gary-stuness.
While you might not be a linguistic professional of the third degree. Sometimes an author misses mistakes, you can help him by serving as a sieve for the maybe missed errors.

The OP provides some writing guides from which you could nick some advice/explanations on certain topics.
You are allowed to be blunt, but please, no personal attacks. Also keep in mind that while you might mean all the good in the world with your review, you’re using a written medium and there’s always room for misinterpretation.
Good luck!


Unclaimed Stories

05/16/2012 ❖ LSBFF: A "Canterlot Wedding" Prequel by Pjabrony (>>102722)
05/16/2012 ❖ Hive Mind: The Tragedy of Queen Chrysalis by Atlas86 (>>102838)
05/17/2012 ❖ "I need Cash..." by Mr. Masato/Arby Works (>>102854)
05/20/2012 ❖ Princess Trinity: The Gates of Hell by D. G. D. Davidson (>>103321)
05/22/2012 ❖ End of the Crusades by TimeBomb0 (>>103557)
05/23/2012 ❖ Question of Sacrifice by SterlingNomad (>>103540)
05/23/2012 ❖ The Story of Star Swirl the Bearded – Chapter 1 The Waterfall by Faindragon (>>103634)
05/23/2012 ❖ Anomalous by benxlabs (>>103682)
05/24/2012 ❖ The Challenges of Love--Part One: Rarity's Tale by pmcollectorboy (>>103791)
05/26/2012 ❖ There is a Season by ArdanBlade (>>104023)
05/27/2012 ❖ Discordant by Ezra09 (>>104151)
05/27/2012 ❖ From The Stars by TheTwentySecond (>>104188)
05/27/2012 ❖ The Jewel of Reinsburg by DicePony (>>104126)
05/28/2012 ❖ The Zodiac Ritual by CyborgSamurai (>>104258)
05/28/2012 ❖ Beyond the Dreamer's Veil by Lilli (>>104262)
05/28/2012 ❖ All Of Creation by Ristar (>>104318)
05/28/2012 ❖ Beyond Her Tomb by 2K Chrome (>>104330)
05/28/2012 ❖ Through Friendship and Chaos by goldar (>>104352)
05/29/2012 ❖ Pinkie Pie Gets a Cold by bracatus (>>104527)
05/29/2012 ❖ MLP:FiM the final season, Episode 1, "Nightfall" by Writer's Block (>>104541)
05/31/2012 ❖ Friendship is Aura by KangTheSpartan (>>104728)

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment

Beyond Her Tomb by 2K Chrome (>>101903) submitted 05/10/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Demetrius on 05/20/2012 (>>103291)
Grey by Gigathrash (>>101994) submitted 05/11/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Pjabrony on 05/19/2012 (>>103179)
And thats how equestria was made! by Pinkie and the Shy (>>103234) submitted 05/19/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Panda Bear on 05/21/2012 (>>103454)
All Of Creation by Ristar (>>103431) submitted 05/21/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Fuliam on 05/21/2012 (>>103505)
Unintentionally Yours by JusticeSnake (>>103492) submitted 05/21/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Props on 05/31/2012 (>>104768)
Get Lost (In a Book) by Kavonde (>>103849) submitted 05/24/2012 ❖ Reviewed by AzuNyan on 05/25/2012 (>>103965)
Grey Dusk by Maple (>>104153) submitted 05/27/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Baron on 05/31/2012 (>>104772)
A Tug On The Heartstrings by TheNewOne (>>104537) submitted 05/29/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Khakispony on 05/30/2012 (>>104668)

Reviews in Progress

Umbra: reviewing Contact by Digi (>>100200) submitted 04/30/2012
Nietzsche: reviewing Looking Glass, P.I: Coins and Crowns by Kavonde (>>102365) submitted 05/13/2012
Nietzsche: reviewing The Quiet Place by Aynine (>>102430) submitted 05/14/2012
AidanMaxwell: reviewing Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is. by SpilledInk (>>103135) submitted 05/18/2012
Pascoite: reviewing One Simple Choice by Nicholas Taylor (>>104529) submitted 05/29/2012
>> No. 104914
File 133858428257.jpg - (8.54KB , 257x196 , 2p34108571.jpg )
104914
Round three, here we go.

> the pegasus's parents.
Just say “her parents”.

> You couldn't help me even if I asked you too.
to*

>For the twentieth time today, a doubt crept up in the back of her mind.
Doubt is not a noun. Didst thou mean “a seed of doubt”?

>Twilight cheered, smile threatening to escape the borders of her face.
a smile*

>The orange filly froze in place
More LUS, although I think this instance might be debatable.

>“Oh, not at all. Ooh, I'll make us some tea!”
Now this is excellent. I can almost hear Discord saying “See, I told you she would.”

> Of course. That's the beauty of chaos. Nothing is set in stone. You can be anypony, do anything. It wouldn't matter what's on your flank. All that would matter is what's in your heart.
I’m going to step away from the review for a brief moment, to tell you how much I agree with this statement. Despite that it’s being used in a deceitful manner, Discord has a point here. I’ve always had a problem with the idea of a cutie mark, because it tries to nail down who you are into one little insignia. Nopony has just one talent, we all have several, I’m not just a writer/reader and a reviewer, I am very athletic as well. These fillies have it hardwired into them that they need to decide what to do with their life at a very young age, and once that decision is made, they can’t deviate from it one bit for the rest of their life. Granted they’re supposed to wait until it reveals itself, it still seems dumb to try to label it. Diamond Tiara is the perfect example, as you also noticed. I would want to be a blank flank, if I were a pony. Another reason why Scootaloo is best pony.

>Scootaloo stared at her fore hooves.
“Forelegs” is fine. Ponies do have legs after all.

>The unicorn's eyes snapped open as the butter yellow pegasus landed in front of her.
Ugh, there’s so much LUS it hurts!

One thing I did enjoy about this chapter is the way Scootaloo comes to accept Discord’s presence, and begins conversing with him, kind of like a schizophrenic. It shows how Discord is slowly breaking down her wall of distrust, a masterfully conceived plan only the embodiment of chaos himself could pull off.

>“Oh, Sweetie Belle! I just thought of something!”
Oh jeepers here we go. Darn it Discord!
>> No. 104915
File 133858509859.png - (116.16KB , 610x542 , 4628_quizzical_scootaloo_by_moongazeponies-d3e5zo6_png-610x0.png )
104915
>>104912
Discordant by Ezra09 (>>104151)
>>104818
>>104875
>>104880
>>104914
Sometimes I feel invisible around here. But then again, everypony in here is human right?
>> No. 104917
>>104915
yeah sorry, I got ninjad... by your review...

:/
I didn't refresh because lazy sowwy
>> No. 104929
>>104914


For what it's worth, doubt is a noun. It can be both a noun and a verb.
>> No. 104932
>>104929
Yeah I just realized that. Still, you wouldn't say "a doubt".
>> No. 104942
>>104932
This is true, beyond a doubt.
>> No. 104951
>>104914

Thanks a ton for the helpful response. You're right about LUS of course. I just find it hard keeping a good flow when I use their name every time they do something. As for the end of chapter 2, I think I need to make it more clear that she fell asleep and is dreaming. Thanks again for taking the time to do this.
>> No. 104954
>>104951
Pronouns are a thing, I suggest you use them.
>> No. 104956
File 133859552016.jpg - (76.84KB , 873x960 , 526264_278785998872757_221602987924392_621638_1863152792_n.jpg )
104956
>>104942
I see watcha did there.
>>104951
No problem, really, I was actually kinda bored before I took it on. And one more time, Scootaloo is best pony!
>> No. 104966
>>104912
I had submitted a review request as well.>>104557
>> No. 104975
>>104966
It's in the queue. You're good.
>> No. 104976
>>104262
Claiming by request. It may be a little while before I get to it, but I'll try to make it worth the wait.
>> No. 105028
File 133863045037.gif - (131.80KB , 200x200 , 4e8.gif )
105028
Title: Life without you: chapter 1
Tags: Sad, Romance/ Shipping
Synopsis:Into the darkness she falls, hair swept high by the cruel hand which guides her. A drab world in her vision, a world of depression in which she now lives. In the hoof of another she walks into the light, in the love of another she feels the sun's warmth. Only with them can she live again, only with them is the world bearable.

This is the journey of seeing the world once again, and the faithful companion who allows this to happen.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bFYROhuFAQg7ujLGpyJ0lZT5MBlhMYOx6fr4Aw0ruXY/edit
>> No. 105049
Tags: Adventure, Dark, Tragedy, Sad, Romance

Synopsis: When the three clans united and formed Equestria, there were some that opposed the unity. They were Earth ponies from the Pegasi controlled areas, demanding compensation from the harsh oppression they had been forced to live during all of their lives. But Chancellor Puddinghead did not agree to the claims, but told them that the only way to live in this new land was to forgive and forget. This group of Earth ponies felt betrayed by the leader, so they rebelled. But heavily outnumbered from both the united kingdom of Equestria, they were forced back to the mountains were they had fled from. There, they meet an old enemy towards Chancellor Puddinghead, called Scardiva Stonehoof. He was a bandit, also seeking to crush the union between the three clans and take control over the new, rich land himself. Together with the large bandit group, the rebels formed the nation Scardiva, named after the founder of the land. But many disputes were made, and the land was later divided into tribes, all seeking to fulfill their own ambitions instead of working together, and the country were formed into a complex tribe system, where lies and deception was the key to victory. The hatred towards Equestria was put aside, but not forgotten. When Scardiva later died, he made one last prophecy: that one day, the tribes would unite once more, and then, the days of Equestria's rulers would be counted...

Today, the civil war finally seems to be coming to an end, making the old prophecy seem far to present than it should be. When Landstrider and Derpy go on a seemingly harmless adventure to the strange land in order to find Derpy’s real parents, they will discover that prophecies are not to be taken lightly...

Links: Fimfiction http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16815/Landstrider%27s-adventures---Stonehoof%27s-prophecy

Chapters: review ALL the chapters (including the intro)!
Comments: Oh, comments, were should I start?
This is the first time I submit anything to the training grounds. I hope I will do this right…
I want you to be absolutely honest with me when you review this. I am a perfectionist, even if my work is far from perfect, and every little thing you can point out will be gladly appreciated. Have EqD as the model: if you don’t think this story can fit into EqD, I want you to tell me why and what I could do about it. With other words: Review EVERYTHING!
Here is also a list of notes you should take in consideration when previewing:

Notes on chapter 1:
a) As in all stories, the first chapter is the most important one. Do I wake interest? If not, what is needed and where did the interest disappear?
b) I experimented in this chapter by coloring all languages that isn’t Equestrian into green. My intention by this is to make it clear when the character is using Equestrian or another language. You won’t see this in the other chapters, so compare them and tell me if I should keep other languages in other colors or if I just should go with italic text instead.
c) Is the villain part to violent? If yes, what do you suggest instead?

Notes on chapter 3:
a)SPOILER: Don’t get upset about little Lyra not having Heartstring as her second name. The explanation to this will come in chapter 5.
b)I tried to do fit in some jokes in this chapter. A little bit more than I am used to… Feel free to make a complaint if you want some of the jokes gone.

Notes on chapter 4:
a)Is the puzzle to obvious?

Notes on the whole story:
a)My native language isn’t English, so expect some grammar and spelling problems (but have in mind that I have run the text in Microsoft word, so it shouldn’t be too bad).
b)Do some parts feel unnecessary? If yes, which part and why?
c)As I said, my native language isn’t English, so there will probably also is a lack of word variation. Feel free to give some tips on expressions to use instead of the same old word being repeated over and over again.
d)Is the characterization not good somewhere? Tell me!
e)Is the story progressing too slowly/fast? Tell me!
f)‘Show, don’t tell’ problems? Tell me!
g)Does the story not wake interest? Why, and what does it need?
h)Anything else that you came to think about? tell me! I wanna know everything!
>> No. 105092
Question for all you fancy pants reviewers: why is verb tense agreement such a big deal?

Okay, when EqD rejected me, one of the errors Prereader X pointed out was that. As I understand it, this error looks something like this:

She squinted hard, the pouring rain stinging her eyes.

Now yes, it'd be easy to rewrite it as, "She squinted hard as the driving rain stung her eyes," but why is the first way wrong? It seems natural and conversational to me. What am I missing?
>> No. 105095
File 133868344437.png - (72.61KB , 554x515 , mlfw1748-1320070341.png )
105095
>>105092

>She squinted hard, the pouring rain stinging her eyes.
This is actually completely correct. In this case, "stinging her eyes" is almost an adjective (although not quite). By using the comma after the original past tense, you're setting this clearly in the past; thus, tense confusion is averted. I'm sure this tense has a name, but I have no clue what it is. Somepony summon Roger for a mo'

So..yeah. If someone rejected you based off of that, then they might need to brush up on their own grammar skills.
>> No. 105096
>>105095
I didn't reject because of that. Jake used present tense and past tense interchangeably in a few places, as I recall (it's been a while since I saw the story). Gerund use was never an issue.
>> No. 105097
>>105092
Conversational does not mean correct. People use incorrect grammar in conversation all the time.

That sentence, I believe, is correct (though someone may want to correct me on that. See below for additional details). A better example of verb tense disagreement would be:

She squinted as the pouring rain stung her eyes and soaks her coat.

In the above case, "squinted" is past tense, "stung" is past tense, but "soaks" is present, thus making the sentence sound awkward.

>>105095
I may be wrong on this, but I believe that it is correct because squinted is past perfect, while stinging is past progressive. They're both past, so the sentence is fine.
>> No. 105098
>>105096
Oh, I wasn't saying THIS is why I was rejected. Merely asking so I don't repeat in my new story.
>> No. 105099
>>105096
But this does lead me to a new question: How is it a gerund and not a verb? Break it down:

The rain is stingin her eyes.
Rain(Actor)
Stinging(Action)
Eyes(Recipeint)

Seems like a verb to me, therefore would be tense confusion, no?
>> No. 105101
Let's get straight to the point, shall we?

Title: From the Firmament

Author: Garamond

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Romance, Adventure, Alternate Reality

Synopsis: Some ponies are given unconventional names upon birth.
Many of them are too embarrassed to divulge the reasons why, obviously.

But one earth pony will finally come out to write his story. The story of his birth, and his name.

Links:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/26290/From-the-Firmament

Chapters to be reviewed: All of them.

Comments/Requests: None that I’m aware of. Have fun reading my fiction, I guess.
>> No. 105103
File 133868712618.jpg - (36.69KB , 440x362 , 217795.jpg )
105103
>>105095
><[She] [squinted] [hard]>, <[the pouring rain] [stinging] [her eyes]>.
><Finite clause>, <non-finite clause>
>[subj] [f. verb] [pred. complement?], [subj] [non-f. verb] [obj]
The verb stinging isn't finite, so the clause definitely can't stand on its own; and it's present perfect (past perfect is stung), which doesn't conflict with the other clause at all because the point of the present perfect aspect is to say it happened at the same time as the rest of the sentence. The finite verb's tense is irrelevant:

>She squinted hard, the pouring rain stinging her eyes.
>She squints hard, the pouring rain stinging her eyes.

Both are correct. I believe the general term for the non-finite clause in this case is an absolute, though there may be a more specific one.

The only thing that seems off is using hard as a complement (looks like an adverb here), but I dunno 'bout adjuncts really. (My books are at home, sorry. :3)
>> No. 105107
File 133868894563.jpg - (3.91KB , 126x127 , 535689_3594722039823_1626625739_2878124_1142754651_n.jpg )
105107
>>105103
Ah, another Winx photo. I gotta say I've been missing those since the write-off.
>> No. 105109
>>104529
>>104538
Detailed comments in doc.

Mechanics:
Nothing consistently wrong, aside from use of subjunctive mood, but it only came up a few times. A few comma issues, too, but clean for the most part.

Style:
Minor amount of repetition. There are a couple of spots that feel a bit tell-y, but I'm betting you can find them on your own, and I marked some phrasing/word choice spots. On the whole, the writing style was quite good. I do question whether the sheer number of paragraph breaks is necessary. Some of the internal exchanges break very frequently when there's not a change a speaker and not really a change of theme. Some breaks can be done for mood, but just remember that the more you do so, the less effective it becomes.

Characterization:
Alright, the standard thing applies that I've seen in all your fics. Suddenly-morose Dash is going to rub some people the wrong way for being out of character. It works for me, there's a plausible reason given for it, and it would be a very long intro indeed that showed the gradual transformation, but some readers will still object. Same deal with Fluttershy, who seems able to sustain a rage far longer that I ever would have expected. Other than that, the characters are done believably, with a skittish Fluttershy and Dash having her usual ambition vs loyalty issues.

Plot:
A couple of things here, but my first one fell flat. I was going to say that it felt more like a scene than a story because nothing got resolved, but then I saw it was just Chapter 1. Durr.

It's an interesting idea that the Wonderbolts draw from the weather service, since it is plausible that the Wonderbolts display expert versions of the skills that weather ponies use in their jobs. It'd be much like how NASA draws mostly from the Air Force and Navy. I wouldn't mind seeing this idea developed further. But be careful with it. You're by no means bound by fanon, but much of it has tryouts as the method for selection, and the point of Dash's entry in the young flier competition was to impress the Wonderbolts directly, not to get into a better position as a weather pony. In fact she already was one, so her ambition wasn't directed anywhere toward the weather service. Perhaps she's just matured since then, but it's worth discussing.

And now the biggie. Dash is all updet about the prospect of moving to Cloudsdale, away from her friends. However, she doesn't see much of them as it is, with her job taking so much of her time. Much fanon has her already living in Cloudsdale, though, and in any case, canon shows that Cloudsdale just isn't that far away. You can see if from Ponyville, and it's a very quick flight. So, given that neither Dash's work hours nor her distance from Ponyville would increase significantly, what's the big deal about moving there? For that matter, why is she required to do so, since the commute from Ponyville would still be short?

Given the story from which this one branches, it begs the question: are you going to write a series of all the elements as they fret over leaving and consider writing to Celestia?

Final Thoughts:
I liked it, but the cold open of an angsty Rainbow Dash isn't going to be for everyone. The mechanics and writing style are good. As with any opening chapter, there's not enough plot yet to say how well the whole thing hangs together. You've got a good start, though. Sadfics are my thing, so I'll give this more leeway than some others would. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 105113
>>105092
>She squinted hard, the pouring rain stinging her eyes.
The construct "the pouring rain stinging her eyes" is a nominative absolute, and acts as a modifier. The verb form, if there is one, will actually be a participle, an adjectival use of the past or present tense. Nothing is wring with this sentence. There is no mix of tenses, as the only verb in the sentence is "squinted." "Pouring" and "stinging" have the function of adjectives.
>> No. 105115
>>105103
I would be terrified of you if you didn't happen to be on our side today.
>> No. 105145
Dark, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Crossover

Sergeant Rainbow Dash has graduated at the top of her class and has been given the exclusive honor to join the Wonderbolt squad, an elite team of SpecOp troops stationed on Ord Mantell. To her, this is just a new opportunity to fight for the Republic (and a little personal glory, as well) but she soon finds out that the battlefield is not for the weak of spirit. Will she need to rely on the help of a shady smuggler type, who won't seem to leave her alone, to stay active on the field? Or will her personal pride prevent her from performing at her best, leading to her untimely death?

If Dubz could review this, that'd be fantastic, since he's read the whole thing up until this point. But whoever can give input is free to.
>> No. 105147
>>105109

Once again, I must thank you for the time you have put into helping me polish and improve my work. You have been a HUGE help in my two months of fic writing.

Time to begin the traditional addressing of points!

Characterization: I'm glad everything seemed believable to you. That was my biggest concern writing this opening chapter. Heh, you may have picked this up from me, but I honestly don't care what people think about my characters being OOC as long as I attempt to make it believable (which I did NOT do in my first fic you reviewed. I've certainly learned since then).

I am attempting to write an introspective Rainbow Dash, and this is just the start of the process. I wanted to start the story out a point where she STARTS being introspective, but really isn't sure how to handle those feelings. I hope this was conveyed well enough.

As far as Fluttershy goes, I'll probably go into more detail with her character as well. I imagine her as being a bit burnt out from her job, although Rainbow doesn't quite pick up on this right away. Given the plot, I might end up friendshipping her with all of the remaining mane 6 as she contemplates her decision. Heh. We'll see.

Don't worry, I plan to go back and go into more detail about how Rainbow Dash got the way she is now. This is just the starting point of the story. Flashbacks, here I come!

I will admit, this is an ambitious story. I basically want to make this a MASSIVE character study of Rainbow Dash. We'll see how well I can pull it off, but I envision this being a fairly long fic, not just a reflection piece like my first story.

>You're by no means bound by fanon, but much of it has tryouts as the method for selection, and the point of Dash's entry in the young flier competition was to impress the Wonderbolts directly, not to get into a better position as a weather pony.

(warning, huge idea dumps coming. Please forgive me, this helps my thought and brainstorming processes).

In an attempt to make the concept (Rainbow Dash ambition versus loyalty! How riveting!) more original, I'm trying to take the Wonderbolts in another direction. I don't imagine them as just highly skilled showponies but you can tryout for, but protectors and helpers, for the lack of better words at this moment. They aren't just about being awesome, it's about commitment, teamwork, and helping where they are needed. This is supported by "Secret of my Excess," where they are summoned to help fight against Spike.

Look at Rainbow Dash. She hates sharing the spotlight. She's committed to her friends, yes, but that's different from being committed to a job, which is what the Wonderbolts would be. She's actually fairly lazy. She naps for a large chunk of the day often. Yes, she did get really involved in "Hurricane Fluttershy," but a lot of that dedication was motivated by fame, with "it's not about fame, it's about getting the water up" being tacked on at the end only when it's clear they won't break the record.

>You're by no means bound by fanon, but much of it has tryouts as the method for selection, and the point of Dash's entry in the young flier competition was to impress the Wonderbolts directly, not to get into a better position as a weather pony.

Rainbow Dash is so infatuated with the concept of "awesomeness" that she has NO idea what being a Wonderbolt really means. She can't just win one competition and get in. She needs to prove that she has commitment to not only training for a single competition, but training CONSTANTLY, as well as be able to display she can work with others. It isn't just about raw talent I don't necessarily call flying around randomly and showing off "training," and she certainly does not work well with others, especially when a spotlight is involved.

These sorts of character changes don't happen overnight. Yes, Rainbow Dash is a weather pony, but since it is never specified exactly how much work she puts into it, I'm going to go ahead and say she picks up as few shifts as she can. By putting more time into the weather squad, she can show that she DOES have these qualities. or at least attempt to develop them.

>And now the biggie. Dash is all updet about the prospect of moving to Cloudsdale, away from her friends. However, she doesn't see much of them as it is, with her job taking so much of her time.

This is something I draw from my real life experience. There something comforting in having friends live in the same city, even if they are pretty busy. It means they are always there if they are needed. This isn't the case if they live in different cities. If an emergency pops up, or you simply need a shoulder to cry on, they won't be able to just swing by your house in ten minutes.

So not only does Rainbow Dash have this feeling, she also blames herself for her friends spending less and less time together. If you'll recall, in my last story I stated that Rainbow Dash was the first to start pursuing her dreams (in this case, putting more time into weather duty). Remember what happened after that? Every other pony started doing more stuff. This is why Rainbow asked Fluttershy why she became a vet, and yet was scared to hear the answer. She was afraid Fluttershy would say something along the lines of "Well, you started doing more with your life, so I decided I would do the same thing." Now, Rainbow will eventually find out that Fluttershy isn't truly happy, which will make her self blame even worse.

>For that matter, why is she required to do so, since the commute from Ponyville would still be short?

I mentioned in the opening letter that Rainbow would have to travel all over Equestria. I imagine her hours might be erratic, and she might have to stay overnight in other cities. Not to mention she might have to be on call in case any weather issues pop up. I think these are all plausible reasons why she would have to live in Cloudsdale.

Also, Cloudsdale is a large city, and since it's in the sky, it's not inconceivable that it's visible from Ponyville. Yet, it could still take a few hours flight to get there. Since cartoons don't tend to specify exact frames of time, this is up to my discretion.

WHEW. I think that covers everything related to your review. And I haven't even touch on her fillyhood yet.

Like I said, ambitious fic. It will take work, but I've come too far in writing fanfic to give up now.

Again, thanks for your review. Time to tidy up the story and send it off to EqD (I don't consider this story related enough to my other one to consider it a sequel. Not to mention, I want this to get its own post). Let's hope the PR has the same attitude you do :)
>> No. 105148
>>105145

I'll be glad to review your story, AidanMaxwell, but you didn't post a link yet. :D
>> No. 105160
File 133870378415.jpg - (444.79KB , 1468x1268 , AzuNyan11.jpg )
105160
>>105101
I haven't reviewed anything in a while, so I'll claim this.
>> No. 105172
>>105049
I may put in as a side note that I can provide the story in g.docs if it helps reviewing...
>> No. 105174
>>105103
>>105113

Ah. Gotcha, I think. I need to brush up on my grammar. The whole "finite clause" thing is still a little confuzzling, but it makes sense.

Thanks much, y'all!
>> No. 105175
Here's another one for y'all. Y'all is so smrt n stuffz.

Anyone have any sage advice on varying up your sentence structure? I've begun to notice a pattern in my writing, and I think this would help. Any grammar excersizes or web guides that can help with this?
>> No. 105176
File 133871720211.gif - (531.93KB , 515x636 , 120151 - animated artist-trotsworth dancing Discord Eris genderswap gif rule63 rule_63.gif )
105176
>>105175
How 'bout this:

Start with length. Short, long. Use appropriately, when it suits the mood.

When two facts fit easily into the same thought, include them in the same sentence, and otherwise don't, but experiment with doing it either way and find what best suits the mood.

Experiment with the placement of prepositional phrases and appositives, i.e. the placement of "in the morning" in a sentence that describes when you left for work, or saying that someone was your brother mid sentence as a parenthetical phrase, separated from the rest of the sentence by commas, or putting it in a different sentence, respectively (also, see what I just did there?) Find what best suits the mood in this.

Experiment with superfluousness using the auxiliary verbs (totally not necessary in many cases, but can be used if it suits the mood). For example, "eating breakfast was always something he enjoyed" versus just "he always enjoyed eating breakfast."

Experiment with using passive vs. active voice, thinking carefully about what is doing what to what, and finding what best suits the mood.
>> No. 105179
>>105176
That advice has made me a better writer.

And that pic has given me diabeetus.
>> No. 105184
>>104728
I would like to update my request describtion, if possible.

In my submission form, I wrote that I wanted all chapters to be reviewed. I recently updated the story with a new chapter, so I want to change the "all chapters" describtion to "chapter 1-7", the chapters that was currently out at the time I submitted it here in the first place.

Thank you, and apologies for the inconvenience.
>> No. 105186
Oh well, I have a questions for the reviewers:

What form do you guys prefer the fic to be in (fimfiction, g.docs, devian e.t.c)? Or does it just completely not matter? :3
>> No. 105188
>>105186
From preferred to "we will find you and then kill you":
-Google Docs with comments on
-Google Docs without comments on
-FiMFiction
------------------------
-Pastebin
-Fanfiction.net
-DeviantArt
-uploaded .txt/.rtf
-uploaded .doc/.docx/.odt

If you've formatted your fic on anything below the line, you're better off porting it to one above it.
>> No. 105190
>>105188
In that case, based on this, I would like to update my submission (Landstrider's adventures - Stonehoof's prophecy) with these g.docs (with commentary avaible) instead of the fimfiction link, if this is possible of course :3 :
Introduction: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oOkMPkUO7XIk3EfnF3ORrvIsNKeVmMMgBxbE8cxuCXY/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tpQ4XlygSQJlCh98_ZmpY6RYLicnBwhQ7Fwof8xCD7A/edit
Chapter 2:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t5k2eqKPLJClQ-s1eeGF_r_5t-cBNB8xRulMCAWziys/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v_AjSu60rJKxTzExLOqBxRCBZocOeAOl4spRDxZ0nGA/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BohoZeXXu59yxyxf3IFolOZB6H2VgBnYhoyYgm4Nr8w/edit
>> No. 105201
Tags:[Alternate Universe][Adventure]

Synopsis:While fighting Discord, Luna destroys him with the Elements of Harmony. Celestia thinks this is murder and the sisters destroy each other. Centuries later, Equestria is thriving under its own government, boosted by a surge in technological advancement in recent times.
But all is not well. Tensions between different factions flare as the ruling party grows ever more harsh and secretive.On top of that, something strange is happening. Ponies are getting sick, or worse. Will the Mane 6 survive as their world changes around them?

Links:
Main page:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24488/Paradigm-Shift

Comments/requests:
The pre-readers at Equestria Daily said:
Hello, and thank you for submitting to Equestria Daily.

Unfortunately, your fic has multiple errors in punctuation and grammar. As such, it is not being considered for posting at this time. Please revise your fic.

Sincerely,
The Equestria Daily Team

I would like my story reviewed please.
>> No. 105225
I would like to get some feedback on my AppleShy series.
I understand if reviewing 16 chapters might be too much, but any feedback you be appreciated.

For convenience, I'm posting the FimFiction link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2118/AppleShy-Series
>> No. 105259
File 133876870776.jpg - (7.80KB , 247x204 , im sorry.jpg )
105259
>>104668
I'm sorry. I'd just like to say that outright, because I'm not going to be able to finish an in depth review of your fic. I'll say it as many times as I need to, but I'm sorry.

Now I read the whole thing through, and I have to say there were a metric buttload of grammatical, writing, and characterization problems. LUS, DoRD, STD, and so many comma and punctuation errors made the fic very close to unreadable. Any review I made in detail would end up being a rant, and that's sad considering how interested the ship combo was. There's just so many problems, and I really have nothing more to say. A rewrite isn't just recommended in my opinion, it's mandatory.

If you'd like a more detailed opinion, please go seek it, but don't be surprised to learn the same problems being mentioned. I'm sorry, and wish you the best in your future endeavors.
>> No. 105264
File 133877207507.jpg - (4.80KB , 225x225 , simon.jpg )
105264
>>105259
Ok a little over the top but let me lay out some better critiques.

First pacing was... I'll be blunt pacing got pretty terrible at times. Little character moments make good shipfics, and you skipped quite a few character moments. Shipping isn't They hung out for a couple hours, and bam love. Its much more subtle and great shipfics capitalize on small quiet moments.

Grammar was the poorest I've seen in quite some time. Commas aren't a alternative to periods, and there were just tunes of little errors like lack of Captialization, missed punctuation, and the like. I strongly advise looking at a grammar guide, because if you can't fix at least some errors yourself, nobody is going to want to read your fic.

Writing errors are abound. There is quite a bit of Telling going on in your fic and you managed to fall into the trap of DoRD quite a few times, and given my recent thread on the subject you'll know how much that irks me.

Worst of all your story is boring. Nothing made me want to keep reading to find out what happened to Twilight or Lyra. Part of it is the aforementioned pacing problem but poor characterization is to blame as well.

I'd like nothing more then to see you succeed but your going to have a lot of work to go through to get there.

Sorry if I sounded a bit like this guy
>> No. 105266
File 133877300828.jpg - (33.39KB , 620x392 , 28552-141121-ristarPNG-620x.jpg )
105266
>>104912
I should note that I did acknowledge the review, and did fix what was suggested.
>> No. 105305
File 133879593062.jpg - (2.56KB , 94x100 , mlfw970.jpg )
105305
>>105259
>LUS, DoRD, STD
Haha, STD. sage my immaturity

>>105264
Don't apologize man! This isn't Fimfiction.
> Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto.
Sounding like that guy is essential around here, as long as it's well rounded.
>> No. 105319
File 133882680972.jpg - (105.04KB , 1024x768 , s2_10_wal_09.jpg )
105319
>>105264


>Shipping isn't They hung out for a couple hours
random caps

>Its much more subtle
it's

>Commas aren't a alternative to periods,
an

>and there were just tunes of little errors like lack of Captialization,
random caps

>There is quite a bit of Telling going on in your fic and you managed to
random caps
>> No. 105325
File 133883210647.png - (73.23KB , 262x305 , AzuNyan46.png )
105325
>>105101
I'm about halfway through chapter one.

While I like that we don't know that your mc is a human at first. Your fic seems kinda like a rip of My Little Dashie, but with Daring Do.

This will make a lot of people rage quit, regardless of whether or not the rest is total self-insert wish fulfillment.

I'd recommend re-writing the story from Daring Do's perspective.

But if you don't want to, I guess I can't force you. It's just that less people will give your story a chance. (And I don't think EqD would take it, as well.)

Here's what I have so far. If you want me to review the rest before you start a re-write (or don't start one,) then I will.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g_njhWdLL2WOMiXosST92-I7Md9FeRzMZ1b22MvTSR8/edit
>> No. 105375
[grimdark] [HiE]

Twilight knew Spike would start to grow up one day, but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. She's sure Pinkie's right: he just needs some space, and he'll be just fine by himself while she spends some time with Celestia.

But the Princess has her own reasons for calling Twilight back to Canterlot. Two travelers in the Everfree have woken dark forces beneath the Earth, forces of fire and steel.

https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B4GwtWrskMSEZXlJbUlzeGxpY1E/edit

Second verse, same as the first...

I've done a lot to rid this fic of past errors, I think. Past issues have included

LUS: all but annihilated
Excessive ellipses: severely reduced, save for certain bits.
Punctuation errors: gone
Show-don't-tell issues for character emotions: whittled-down, save for moments where the narration takes on 3rd-person-limited with characters like Twilight, in order to explore their thoughts.

There's always the chance that I didn't go far enough, so please let me know.

I welcome a full-review of the five chapters thus far, but while I encourage at least READING all of the chapters first for context, I'm mostly concerned about Chapter 5.

My concern for Chapter 5, above all else, is in regards to the motivation of the antagonist —revealed by the end of the chapter— and in certain scenes that show or hint at some brutal stuff, where I wonder if I went too far. While this is tagged for grimdark, I'm not making a script for an exploitation film.

Lastly, while I'm glad to make changes to earlier chapters if they need them, keep in mind that chapters 1-4 are already released on EQD and FIMfiction, so I can't make changes that are so drastic they'd greatly contradict everything else the reader has seen already.

That said, thank you in advance :-)
>> No. 105384
>>103557
Claiming. Actually me and a friend, Circuit, are gonna tag-team review this one. In theory, the two of us should add up to one respectable reviewer.
>> No. 105437
File 133886187631.jpg - (42.49KB , 600x514 , 132262012875.jpg )
105437
>>103557
>>105384

Both Chapters, comments smattered all over them: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1paDrQm-0dBl6NfaBu81MF35Ict-tPlHVVJbfvEp4P1c/edit

Just to start off, let me explain how we’re gonna do this. First, Circuit’s gonna do his thing, talking about the grammar issues and being a snarky bastard. He’ll tell you what he saw that needs fixing, and then anything he noted that was particularly memorable for good reasons.

Then I’ll chime in, talking about the story part of the story. You know, the plot, the characters, that sort of thing. And a few grammatical things Circuit overlooked or that I beat him to in the comments.

Finally, we’ll come to a sort of summary-conclusion to the whole thing. Sound like a plan? It better, ‘cuz we’re starting anyway.

— — — — —

Less ellipses for the love of fuck less goddamned ellipses!

I’m very serious. Six per page is just under the amount of ellipses that people posting on Facebook use when they feign intelligence.

I can’t concentrate much on the plot (or hell, anything else) with this sort of problem. It is simply put, the worst grammatical problem I’ve ever seen in a story.

Ever.

Oh and there were a few ongoing sentences from commas, work on that too.

I’m going to fucking dream about ellipses now.

— Circuit ([email protected])

— — — — —

What’d I tell ya? Don’t worry, I’ll try to resist the urge to top his level of snark.

Well, Mr. TimeBomb, where do I begin? You’ve got a few repeating errors in the writing that I noted in the doc linked at the top of the post, but nothing too bad. Mostly just a few rules I can imagine you didn’t know or remember.

Regardless, I feel I should explain the rules a little more in-depth while I’m here, along with a few other problems I noticed that I find a little less forgivable.

First, I mentioned a few times about split dialogue. That’s when you do something like this:

>”I knew cake was delicious,” said Pinkie Pie, “but not this delicious!”

The problem is, you will almost never have a sentence that actually works out this way. It requires you to break the quote where a comma would be, then continue afterward. And of course, it’s best to do it all without making it sound awkward.

What you did a few times was similar, but not the same as this. For example, from the Prologue:

>“Me neither,” Sweetie sighed, “But…couldn’t we just borrow some money from our families to pay for the expensive crusades?”

This is incorrect, but I can’t tell you for quite which reason. See, there are two ways to fix this, not counting rewording the quote:

>“Me neither,” Sweetie sighed. “But…couldn’t we just borrow some money from our families to pay for the expensive crusades?”
>“Me neither,” Sweetie sighed, “but…couldn’t we just borrow some money from our families to pay for the expensive crusades?”

In the first example, the sentence within the quote is split into two, and therefore the sentence outside of the quotes has to end before the new one begins. In the second, the quote is still all one sentence, but you need to make that “b” lowercase so it doesn’t look like the beginning of a new sentence.

The second major problem I noticed was a lot of dependent clauses. A dependent clause is basically a part of a compound sentence that can’t stand alone. This is in contrast to an independent clause, which is the part of a compound sentence that can stand by itself.

>”Sweetie came tumbling right after, leaving the crusaders lying in a pile in the middle of the road, groaning from the sudden shock.”

The independent clause has been emphasized for convenience. Each of the two sections between commas is a dependent clause.

Now normally this isn’t a problem. This is just part of the language. The problem becomes when half your sentences are flooded with dependent clauses, and therefore tons of commas to boot. Don’t be afraid to vary up the length of your sentences. Feel free to cut a few of those monsters in half if you need to. If not for variety, then for clarity to the reader.

The longer a sentence drags on for, the less clear it becomes, as each dependent clause takes you further and further from the original point until it almost forces readers to start over and read slower.

Besides a few scattered instances of awkward phrasing, which is to be expected with any author, that about covers it for sentences.

This only leaves the characters and the story.

The characters are done pretty well, but there are a few moments you might need to check in on. Particularly, I think Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and even Twilight need to be re-inspected. What’s good is that your main three characters, the CMC, are done rather well.

The only concern with the Crusaders that I wanted to mention was Sweetie Belle, towards the end of the first chapter. I saw a little bit of this in the Prologue, with a single line that sounded way more like Fluttershy than Sweetie. But this chapter really overdid her shyness. And yes, it’s shyness. I’m pretty sure you meant for her to sound modest, but it really just makes her sound like she’s suddenly afraid of people— I mean ponies.

There’s a distinction between stage fright and modesty, too. Either one would work for the inner conflict here, but I suggest you either pick one, or make the two much more distinguishable. Blended together, they create the effect of “shyness”.

But on to the good news

The good news is that I really like the idea. It’s a simple conflict, if a little on the more distressful side. Frankly, it’s something that everyone knows would never actually happen in the show, which makes it perfect for fan-fiction. I believe there’s a quote about fanfiction being made for dreamers or something that’d belong here, but I can’t think of it off the top of my head.

The tone is light-hearted without making the current conflict seem insignificant. The characters are silly and clearly still in the world of a cartoon, but they are still relatable in that typical pony way. Bravo on this.

Only tiny problem with the plot itself is the synopsis. Between that and the title, you sort of give away what’s going to happen, and even the question of “Which Crusader?” is answered within the first page or so. I don’t know how long you intend to make the story, but with the synopsis how it is, you’d be better off getting to and past the singing contest in just another chapter or two. Otherwise, the reader might just lose interest when the promised plotline just doesn’t seem to show up anywhere. It’s like there’s a story in between the reader and what they came to read.

To some extent, you have to think of readers as goldfish. You can keep them entranced with the promise of some food or something shiny, but the second you make them wait, they’ve already stopped caring.

— — — — —

All in all, this is a good— sorry, “decent” draft for the beginning to a story with a nice premise. But that’s just it. It’s a draft. There’s plenty to be fixed, revised, and fine-tuned to bring the execution on the idea up to par.

Azure-Spark: My recommendation is to look through some of the rules and issues we’ve brought up and do a pass or two of the chapters with those in mind. You might need to bring it back here for another inspection afterward, but I think I can safely say you could get away with bringing another chapter with it.

Circuit: ….....................................................................................................................
........................................................................................................................
..........................................................

DO YOU SEE THIS
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

I keep trying to make a serious ending note but goddamn.
Over 100 ellipses in your prologue and first chapter.
Over one hundred.
One. Hundred.
You need to fix this before writing a single word of chapter two because if someone is even slightly bothered by bad grammar they won’t be able to stand reading this.


— — — — —

On that note, please don’t be discouraged, and remember to take Circuit’s words with a grain of salt.

Circuit: I am known for overreacting. So just take this away if anything: You get three ellipsis per chapter. Three. Period. No excuses.

Azure-Spark: … Right.

In any case, have a nice day, and good luck with your writing!
>> No. 105439
>>105437
Forgot to mention, if you have any questions, just send one of us an email.
>Me: [email protected]
>Circuit: [email protected]

>sage
>> No. 105445
>>105437

Hi there. Thank you for reviewing my work. Unfortunately, I don't have any time to get together a proper response to the critique, but rest assured I'll respond to this with as much care and attention to detail as your critique.

Again, thanks for the review!
>> No. 105450
File 133886582257.jpg - (8.30KB , 211x239 , no.jpg )
105450
First, I'd like to apologize for a lack of a claim in this thread. I did make one, but since the fic started in the Generic Edition my claim got put there. Now with that derp aside, let me begin.
>105413
Now you may be wondering, "Wow! With a review done that fast, I have done a great job!" Well you didn't really do that, so lets dive into your fic.

Foreshadowing is not your forte. You manage to force every plot twist well before they happen. Let me give you the rundown of your first example of foreshadowing as I see it. Gee, I really dislike foals. They are some of the most stupid things. I'm glad I don't have to take care of one. I mean, it would really suck if I did. I hope no contrived plot devices force me to take care of one. Celestia help me if that happens. At this point the any person capable of reading would see this "twist" coming from a mile away.

Second, I'd like to go over the inherent plot holes in the fic. First, I'd like to say I think Twilight would be a little lenient in letting Rainbow pay here back for a destroyed library book. I mean that's just something friends do. Second, let me give you my interpretation of the foals parents. Oh no, we need a foalsitter today. How about that mare over there? She says she needs cash. Following this logic in real life would be like giving a bum your house to look after while your away doing errands aka. NOT PLAUSIBLE.

But that's not the real problem with your fic. No, the real problem is ITS BUCKING BABY CAKES. I don't care what your authors note at the end says, this is Baby Cakes, but with Rainbow Dash instead of Pinkie Pie. Its a blatant lift, and nopony is not going to draw any other conclusion while reading this. You might as well re-title it Baby Cakes 2.

Grammar is unimportant but I'll talk about it anyways. You had grammar problems, and while less glaring than other fics I reviewed, there are still kinks to be worked out.

I'm hesitant to say you should drop the fic entirely but until you come up with some original material I'd suggest leaving this fic alone.
>> No. 105487
>>105450
My intention wasn't to write a fic with super secret "What will happen?" scenes so I wasn't writing with the intention to have a big reveal. The logo itself has a foal in it, so it's not much of a secret.

As for Twilight, Rainbow is merely panicking. To her, she has a day to replace a book she needs to return to one who is crazy about books, but I could fix that. As for the parent's decision to ask Rainbow, it was written that they knew her (even a little bit). I also go by the fact that most should know the Mane 6 on account of Elements of Harmony. o_e

As for the next part, I understand where you're coming from, but I can say this: I don't care if you don't care for my author's notes. If I wrote it as "Baby Cakes 2", I'd have starred Rainbow and the Cake Twins and have a lot more pathetically comedic moments (opinion speaking here, I didn't really enjoy that episode) relying on crying foals.

All that aside, I'm willing to rewrite it if it feels TOO similar to Baby Cakes, but I'd rather not have a reviewer call my fic blatantly terrible with no imagination in a "pleasant" way, similarities or not.

Hope you're doing well,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 105493
File 133887977676.jpg - (4.80KB , 225x225 , simon.jpg )
105493
>>105487
Ok I'm going to try and refute some statements and tell you what you could do to make your story stand out a little better.

FIrst, even if you weren't going for a real twist your still spoiling the plot for everypony who is reading and in a way I sorta felt like I was being treated like Derpy. Telegraphing the plot is never to a writers best interest.

Rainbow could panic about losing Twilight's book but really. You establish the book is worth next to nothing and easily replaceable. That's ignoring the fact that Twilight could probably fix the book easily but still, make it something of value, like a limited edition signed by the author or something.

You may not care that I don't care about your authors notes, but here's the thing. There is so much to go through most readers will write it off as a Baby Cakes Ripoff before they even get to the notes. If I hadn't been reviewing I know I would have never made it to the authors notes. You could fix this by putting them before the fic but that's not in good taste. Besides I think I may have worded this wrong but the problem isn't just a similarity with Baby Cakes, its a similarity with a well trodden idea. Every sitcom I've seen has the obligatory babysit episode. There have been entire movies based around this concept. I'm trying to say that while an ok execution of an ok idea, there are so many better adaptations of it around, that why should I read through yours? Once you find an answer to that question, then you'll be all set.

Im sorry if I sounded harsh, but I was honestly a bit upset. Still a card slap of reality is often what it takes to get a writer back on track. Its what makes this guy endearing (see pic). If you wish for a second opinion its fine but don't be surprised if they have similar complaints
>> No. 105496
>>105493 Alrighty.

Okay, this makes loads more sense (at point's 1 and 2. I really dunno how to quote).

Again, that makes a lot more sense. I actually don't watch a lot of sticoms or movies that don't have much do do with my interests so I wouldn't know how much a "babysit" episode/movie goes. As for explaining, I could just put it in the description on FiMFiction's description, under the actual description and remove it from the story altogether.

Again, sounding harsh is fine but to me, your review gave me the idea that your opinion was, "This fanfic was terrible because it's generic and you're terrible too" rather than "It's similar to other things and needs something to make it unique". I understand entirely and I'll rewrite it somewhat (rewriting it too much and I'll pretty much lose the build up to the realization; the foalsitting does play a larger part).

Thanks,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 105508
>>105496
>I really dunno how to quote
Just put a > at the beginning of some copy-pasted text – it's literally as easy as it looks. Imageboards are very lowtech.
>> No. 105512
File 133890611246.png - (508.38KB , 1000x1302 , NEIGH HARD.png )
105512
Title: Neigh Hard: Neigh Harder
Author/screen name: DicePony
Tags: Adventure, Light Shipping

Synopsis:

It's Hearth Warming Eve and Applejack reluctantly waits at Canterlot International Airship Dock for Rarity to return from her business trip with Hoity Toity so they can finally enjoy the holiday season together.

But when a group of exiled Stalliongrad Army Special Horses take the Control Tower hostage in order to intercept a VIP aboard the very airship Rarity is returning on, the rough-and-tumble farmgirl is just the wrong pony in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Can Applejack stop the dangerous horns-for-hire before their villainous plan comes to fruition? Can Rarity sabotage their plans mid-air and get back to her beloved?

Yippekiyaybalebuckers!

List of links to the story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28675/Neigh-Hard%3B-Neigh-Harder
Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed: Chapter 1

Comments/requests:

Hi guys, I still have my first Fic in the queue (The Jewel of Reinsburg) but I'm hoping to submit this one to EQD as well. I thought I should get it properly looked at before hand though, so was hoping some kind pony could review it so I can tackle any major issues. I've only finished Chapter 1 as this will be ongoing.

This is my second attempt at at FanFic and it's very much focused on a bit of fun. Not quite "Random" or "Comedy" but if you happen to know Die Hard or Die Hard 2 well, the references should be a good chuckle.

I'm very open to constructive criticism as I still have a lot to learn about the technical aspects of writing.

Will fill in Submission Form now. :)

Thank you! :D
>> No. 105513
File 133890702307.png - (61.53KB , 239x203 , me+too+_9a465b8f1a69385779022d3d837b6bb2.png )
105513
>>105508
Now I feel stupid.
>Test.
Thank you sir anon.
>> No. 105566
>>105325
1. Sorry if I'm being picky, but I can't navigate imageboards very well, so please email me your findings.
2. Daring plays a much larger role later. I'm releasing the fiction in installments, and I've already messed with it enough to make it unique. That being said, I might need to adjust the beginning to make it less 'Dashie'.


-Spoiler-
P.S. Daring is pregnant, and the OC is the child, not the pastor. Demetrius is there to raise the foal.
>> No. 105568
>>105566
Wait... what? Demetrius?
>> No. 105570
File 133894513068.png - (679.84KB , 1000x612 , 24877 - artist-willdrawforfood1 spike twilight_sparkle.png )
105570
I'll begin at the beginning. The prologue didn't agree with me. One big reason was the appearance of a "red alicorn with a fiery mane" in the very second line. Did you know that making a character a red and/or black alicorn is the single most effective way to make him or her seem like a Mary Sue? Now, I don't necessarily think this particular villain actually was a Mary Sue (although I think I'd be justified in accusing him of being unoriginal), but that judgment relies entirely upon my having actually read past the first two lines. If I hadn't been reading your story in order to review it, but had simply been reading for enjoyment, I'm afraid there's a good chance I'd have closed the story after the first two lines, simply because of the presence of the words "red alicorn".

Speaking of this alicorn: his voice could use some work. It has no character, no life. He's basically just speaking a really forced-sounding royal-ese dialect. There's nothing unique or memorable about what he says, either in style or in content. He's pretty forgettable. Descriptions of his physique are especially boring to read, mostly because I don't give a damn about him.

I see some problems with the logic of your prose in some places.

> "None of you can hope to stop me. My blood is royal and I will not tolerate your rebellions."
Here the villain says three things. Because he says them all at once, and in a certain order, the reader expects those three things to be logically related somehow. But they aren't, really; they're just three disjointed facts.

>"How noble of you to let those still loyal to the true crown go."
>"Fear breeding respect is superior. I care not for their loyalties."
Here, the first sentence emphasizes the "letting go", but the second sentence emphasizes "loyalty". Yet the second sentence is supposed to be a direct response to the first?
Lapses of logic like this feel weird. They're confusing and they jar the reader out of the story-world.

Throughout the story, but especially in the prologue, you struggle by using too many cliches. I don't necessarily mean cliched phrases; I'm more talking about cliched images, feelings, and tones.

>The earth pony held a hoof out to his side. In a flash of white, a staff appeared in his grasp. "I cannot allow her world to crumble in your rule."
This earth pony comes off as being basically Gandalf in pony form. (Gandalf, for his part, was basically Jesus in wizard form.)

You try and force these cliches into creating emotion, but they just don't do it. In the prologue, they don't work because there's no tension at all. When the villain says...
>"Staves are merely conduits, amplifiers, for magic. What could one without the capability of magic use it for?"
...I don't believe for a second that the earth pony doesn't already possess some sort of greater, more mysterious magic which will defeat the villain.
>"It's time for this to end."
I'm just not feeling this, dude. It's like soap opera dialogue: hammy and melodramatic.
>"Answer me, damn it!" fumed the alicorn.
Needless, OOC cursing is another red flag of poorly-written drama.

>Bolts of energy snapped and surged across its surface while it expanded around him and the alicorn.
I really like the first half of this sentence, because it's a vivid, visceral image I can see and hear. The rest of your description of this "sphere of chaotic energy," and the accompanying action, is not quite so good. The reason is that you're falling into a trap which also affects you throughout the entire set of chapters you've submitted so far: you're detailing every single action or occurrence with basically equal attention. Look here.

> The alicorn slammed his forehooves on the ground sent two streams of magma towards his foe. The staff appeared between them and flashed blue, freezing the magma before it slammed into it and shattered it down. Running out of space, the two ponies kept inching closer and closer to each other.

> As time ticked away, the traded many spell casts, but the alicorn failed to win. The earth pony suffered several grievous wounds with the alicorn only one. Soon the bubble shrank to the size of a small room and time was about to run out.

I don't think these details add much to the story. It seems to me like you have a mental image of this confrontation in your mind, which resembles a fight scene from some anime or other, and you're mentally going down the list of what all stuff has to happen in a fight before it can be over. The line "the alicorn failed to win" is especially boring and pointless.

>The earth pony, nearing his own fate, clapped his hooves together. The staff returned before him, drenched in blood. Pressing a hoof to the dripping spire, he closed his eyes, a few tears running down his cheek. In a brilliant flash of white, his form distorted and flowed into the staff.

That's a big load of details, one after the other, and you made a conscious choice to include each one of them. I guess my issue is that I'm just not sure why they're there. They're not hurting anything, really, but are they helping?

I feel like the inclusion of all these details clutters up the scene. Because you aren't focusing on just one or two parts of the action, and you aren't using a praticularly consistent POV, I can't tell how I'm supposed to feel. At some points it's clear you're trying to write an interesting and engaging action scene, but it mostly just comes off as a dry historical record of everything that happened in that room on that day.

This is all beside the fact that I'm not even really sure what the role of the sphere of energy, or of the magic staff, is in this fight. What exactly are they doing? You said the sphere expanded and then contracted, and the staff changed color or something, but what does that matter in real terms? How do I know who's winning or losing the fight based on that? This isn't the only time I'm unclear. What's the voice that cries out to young Celestia—is it another pony, or is it the warrior earth pony calling from within the staff? Your description is objective at times when you'd be better served by giving a more subjective, understandable assessment of the action.

Moving on: I really did not enjoy chapters one and two. I kept wondering what the story was about. Chapter one begins, and it seems like it's about Rainbow Dash going away to become a Wonderbolt (a very common, arguably cliche plot device). Then... it started focusing on Twilight? Then Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo have some drama which seems to come out of nowhere. Then... some stuff happens, I guess? Then Trixie shows up and the focus is on Twilight and Trixie, all the way through her magic show. Then Twilight apologizes to Celestia, in a pretty awkward scene, and then the last bit is about Celestia and Derpy, and then the chapter's over. Then chapter two picks right up where the first left off, with pin-the-tail-on-the-pony (which was an extremely boring scene, what with about six different ponies participating), and then OUT OF NOWHERE Trixie smooches Twilight and runs off. Luna giving Twilight weird advice, bobbing for apples, and then a... drinking contest? And hazing?

These chapters just seemed to meander on and on without any focus. Before you made Trixie run off, the story had no real conflict, either—which means no reason for a reader to keep reading.

I thought your handling of the two romantic relationships in your story was extremely naive. Derpy's story was given more thought than Trixie's, and was executed a little better, but in both cases it came off as "XXX randomly kisses YYY, and YYY instantly falls in love with XXX without having ever previously desired or even thought about having a relationship with XXX."

I was really, very much, highly miffed, vexed, and put off by all the drinking. I don't think it'd be too extreme to suggest that your story actually glorifies alcohol use. The wine in your Equestria flows like piss. It just seems really dissonant with the "pony" feel that the story has otherwise. I kind of want to throw up a little when I think of how your Wonderbolts made Rainbow get stupid drunk. That just disgusts me morally, it makes me a little sick.

Your voices for the mane six were decent. I didn't ever find myself thinking, "that's not how XXX would talk!" so count that to your credit. I did think your portrayal of Rarity was a bit on the bitchy side. Rarity can be extremely nice and likeable—in Winter Wrap-Up, for example—and besides, making her sound stuck-up is so very common in fanfiction, it's boring and predictable.

You have a bad case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I don't even like using that phrase, but you've got it.
>"Hey, Twilight!" chirped Pinkie as the Element of Magic neared them. She fidgeted in place until the purple mare came close enough to hug.
>the sun princess
>the moon sister
Don't do this stuff, it's just awkward.

>Quoting Metallica
*sigh* I wouldn't do this, but if you must, I won't try and stop you.

>Twilight leaned back slightly as their lips met. Her mind deadlocked and the world slipped away briefly. Shocked at first, she soon closed her eyes and leaned into the kiss and moaned, gently wrapping her forelegs around Trixie and pulling her close.
Sensual descriptions like this are appropriate throughout your story, not merely during the sexual parts. And unless you're writing clop, or going for a cloppy tone in your writing, it's actually good practice to cut down on sensuality during the more sexual parts, to avoid disturbing sensitive readers.

You had a few errors but your grammar was readable and decent. A few tense issues here and there, nothing god-awful or very surprising. By far the bigger problem was with your style—stuff like weird paragraph contruction that doesn't flow logically, inclusion of irrelevant details, clumsy exposition, and so on. Mostly stuff I've mentioned already.

...Oh shit, I'm not done with this review yet! I still have to mention what (overdone, extremely predictable thing) happened to Dash's wings!

That just seemed like an extremely dick move by Derpy. And then, Celestia somehow approved of what Derpy did, and ordered her to leave her military position to nurse (read: RAPE) Rainbow back to health? Are Rainbow Dash's feelings just not even fucking considered in this matter? That's a really shitty plot point which I cannot see myself getting behind, in any sense of the phrase.

(Also, the Sonic Derpboom, combined with everything else, makes your Derpy character a bit of a Mary Sue, methinks... *inhales slowly* Aaaahh, aren't opinions grand?)

I should probably reiterate that by the end of the story, I fucking hate Trixie, and I have no idea why Twilight likes her. I also have no idea why Rainbow Dash likes Derpy. This is a seriously huge deal. Romance is about the buildup in a relationship, the trials and tribulations that precede the happy, romantic ending. You've basically just gone from "these two ponies are pretty much strangers, acquaintances at best" to "OMG love of my life because she kissed me on the lips and for no other reason," skipping over all the potentially interesting stuff in between. While I was taking notes for your story, the Trixie kiss caught me so off-guard, because it came so far out of nowhere, that I typed a few expletives which I'm pretty sure I can't repeat on ponychan.
>> No. 105574
File 133894778628.jpg - (46.19KB , 290x292 , AzuNyan29.jpg )
105574
>>105566
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Use a different name for the pastor See: >>105568

I kinda think that any fic that's only about a human raising a foal is too similar to MLD. Though, for all I know you're planning on killing the pastor off and having Daring's child fight in WWII.

Oh, and I really don't like that you're going to kill Daring Do (I assume.) This will be very hard to do without angering your readers.
>> No. 105591
File 133895429786.jpg - (302.07KB , 1280x1525 , 4pSFUqAFHkBGySzZukJ5FG8HmGlGYhjAyfJXR0g_3Ns.jpg )
105591
Well, frick-frack. I seriously loved this story. But apparently your EqD prereader didn't? I'm confused. I'm hoping that you did some pretty major revisions between your first submission and now, because otherwise, I feel like an idiot. I can't say that I think a single one of your EqD prereader's criticisms applies to this story as it currently stands.

Let me talk about what I liked about this story first.
- the recurring things; "freaking politics," the pencil-in-mouth lulz (freaking politics could've been established better with a mention in a prominent place in the first chapter.)
- the engaging, consistently interesting style, with twists in every other paragraph that kept me reading
- the fact that every single scene actually contributed to the main plot of the story
- the different character voices, which were unique and interesting
- even the little things, like the details of the Horn and Feather, and the pony names (I mean, seriously, "Blackguard"? BRILLIANT!) were uniformly great.

>“Well...no,” she said.
>>“Uh...parts of them,”
>“Ah...about your fees,”
>a hell of a storm tonight...whenever they got around to it
Ellipses need to have spaces after them, if I'm not mistaken. You do this a lot.
Also, CTRL+F'ing this story for "..." reveals seventy-four instances of its use. That's a lot more than the optimal number, which for a 23,000-word story should be somewhere between zero and five, methinks. In general, it's a good rule never to use ellipses if you can possibly help it.

>“Yes, he occasionally meets some of his business acquaintances there.”
>“Probably the same group he met with regularly,”
I think met should be meets in the second sentence, because of the similar tenses... or something lololol

>hisfiancé
>She claimed to be Silver'sfiancé.
I'm guessing this lack of spaces has to do with some sort of search-and-replace weirdness?

In a related matter:
>I shrugged, getting a little embarrassed. "His fiance hired me to find him."
>“You remember I mentioned his fiance?”
In these spots, you relaxed your vigilance with regard to putting the accent over the e.

I notice you're using -- or – in a few places where I think you mean to use —. I'm not certain about the difference in usage between — and – , so I can't say for sure about those, but I'm fairly certain you want to at least eliminate the -- . In case you're unaware, an easy keyboard shortcut for — is Alt+0151 (on the keypad, not the numerical keys on the top row of the keyboard). It's worth memorizing—I get a LOT of use out of it, myself. ( – is Alt+0150, btw)

>The club itself was built like an ancient pegasi temple
I think that when you use the word as an adjective, you should use "pegasus". You've used "pegasi" in a lot of places like this.

About four chapters in, I found myself wondering where the story was going, and whether the remaining chapters would just be one interview after another. Luckily, it was just about then that you spiced the story up with the critical clue and the chase scene.

I feel like the scene between Looky and Cammy in chapter 7 could use a smidgen of work. I get that you were trying to show how big of an asshole Looky is, and it worked, mostly. The whole thing just felt a teeny bit rushed and unreasonable. If you could maybe show the antagonism that Looky feels for Cammy a little better, to make it more believable that Looky would actually rather sleep on the street (since he must know that's where he's headed by starting this argument) than spend the night with Cammy, then I'd be cool with this. I'd say the dialogue is quite realistic up until the point of Looky's little diatribe about "someone was killing foals." One more thing: the line "orgasm quota" was striking, and sort of funny, and it was also the sort of unreasonably shocking thing that people say when they're trying to be assholes even against their own better judgments, so it worked on that level, too. Still... you must see how it might sound to an average reader like the author just felt like putting some obscenity into the story.

>Blackguard gestured with his horn towards me and Gold Coin
You mean Hot Air, right?

>a city-mandated ten freet
>F.D.P. H.Q.
>F.C.P.D
>suspicions of diloyalty?
>a stuck a hoof under the faucet

I don't have anything else to say. I loved this story. The resolution was great, the ending was really great. It started a bit slow, given that the stereotypical detective noir basically always begins with a pretty woman walking in to a run-down detective's office. I was worried for a minute that it'd end up being really generic. It turned out to be a great read, though, and I'm glad I picked it up for review. I'm just sorry that I couldn't find more things to dislike about the story, so that I could be more useful to you.
>> No. 105645
>>105570
Interesting view to say the least. It's not entirely unexpected because all of my reviewers have had drastically different tastes in style. The most crippling thing about writing this story is that I enjoy the novel ordering, but it's the first thing that leads to problems.

Unfortunately, at the time of typing this up, I had copy and pasted my old description, which was kind of out dated for where the story goes. I'm mostly republishing this with a revised earlier piece to the story. The chapters tend to skip around without any specific dates (my first reviewer didn't like that), but it was intended for how the characters get from point A to B. As a result, this new scope makes the main story vague (with these new chapters not really gracing it). I shouldn't have submitted without sinking deeper into it beyond the cryptic prolgoue.

Thank you for the review, especially reading all of the chapters. It's always nice to see my mistakes and I usually get a laugh out of how people word their critique and opinions. Sorry the cliches bother you. Some of them are just too much fun.
>> No. 105676
File 133902616022.png - (884.54KB , 1027x1280 , 132701186105.png )
105676
>>102722
"LSBFF: A Canterlot Wedding Prequel" by Pjabrony

>>104527
"Pinkie Pie Gets A Cold" by bracatus

I feel that there exists in me some partially-digested feedback regarding these stories. I shouldn't be more than a day or so in locating this feedback, upchucking it, and preparing it for consumption.
>> No. 105680
>>105676

Thank you! Looking forward to it!
>> No. 105682
>>105145

Done in-doc. :D
>> No. 105697
>>104262
>>104976
I've reviewed about 40% of your fic, but GDocs is getting so bogged down that it takes a good 10 seconds now to save a comment. It used to take several hundred comments to do that, but GDocs has been behaving badly lately. In any case, I can't leave any more for now because it's in danger of crashing the document. Let me know when you've gone through and marked most of them as resolved so I can continue. Since it happened before I got even halfway through, we'll probably have to go through this one more time.
>> No. 105702
>>105697
If you have Microsoft Word, you can save his document from Gdocs and work in it with the Review system. You can then Email him the reviewed copy or post it onto Gdocs, since Gdoc's import feature will retain review comments as well.
Or at least, it did last time I used it.
>> No. 105703
>>105697
Marking a comment as resolved doesn't actually get rid of it, so it'll still take a long time to load.
>> No. 105707
>>105703
It does get rid of it in the document, all comments are still stored as per history of the document, which means a document can still have the record of the first comments ever done in the story. (I decided to never look that deep again because I learned things I never wanted to know about the person and his editing "friend". Also, good luck to you guys, you sound like you are quite happy and creative working together... but for fucks sake, use the damn chat!!!)
>> No. 105713
>>105707

There's a chat?
>> No. 105714
>>105713
Each doc has a chat by the side. Unless you somehow need asynchronous communication, using that makes more sense than communicating through comments.
>> No. 105717
>>105714
Oh that. Thought you were talking about Ponychan for a moment. Heh...
>> No. 105737
File 133905711261.jpg - (2.35KB , 125x71 , 131966215062s.jpg )
105737
>>105702
But MSWord's review system is uuuuugly.

>personal opinions
>sage
>> No. 105739
>>104772
Thanks for the review, it helped a lot.
>> No. 105748
>>105697

All right, thank you. I will try and get to it after work today. I appreciate all the hard work you've put into this. :)
>> No. 105792
>>105714
Note that chat has the inconvenient requirement of both parties' presence. Otherwise, it tends not to work.
>> No. 105794
>>105703
The comment remains in the stream if resolved, but is removed from the main page, so loading time does improve. Drastically.
>> No. 105805
>>104768
Thanks, bru! Hope to see Ch.3 and 4 soon!
>> No. 105806
>>105792
Oh, I don't mean correction comment.
>> No. 105871
Author: Ponyman
Email: [email protected]
[Adventure][Dark][Comedy][Romance]
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/31003/Daring-Do-and-the-Power-of-the-Goddess

Daring Do, pony adventurer extraordinaire, has dealt with many things in the past. But now she must confront her own issues, partially brought to the forefront by an old rivalry that won't leave her alone. But these mixed feelings couldn't come at a worse time, as somepony is planning something big that would spell doom for Princess Celestia herself.
>> No. 105876
>>105871
I'll take this.
>> No. 105905
Author: Johnfreemanwepon
Tags: Romance, Sad
Synopsis: A fic about how Derpy met Dinky's father, set in the dream state of Derpy's mind.
Some time/setting jumping involved.
Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ViMSeCiLJ8o90OjwiBF7nxviOgZQ6FW2yfQukQTFXtM/edit
Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GV7YPuS5mvDrD0Uh6S4Skzj5SsQrl9ROnD-SWDXD5FE/edit
Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-DLUa04decUOCWRvtwUFEEfw3vC66Oc1GeTof6ridUk/edit
Review: All
Comments:
Prereaders: Ordinarily, I'd write out a much more detailed review and dig down into things.
I'm not going to do this in this case, because to be brutally honest... you didn't even do basic proof-reading.

You've got formatting errors, capitalization errors, and grammar errors all over the place.
(Reviewer: Please note, I have taken their concerns to heart and have had several proofreaders go through my story and inform me of any grammar mistakes they have seen.)
>> No. 105928
File 133921318306.png - (88.99KB , 404x380 , WHATILEARNED.png )
105928
Wow, over 20 fics in the queue?

I would take some, but ugh, I just haven't been myself this week.

Looks like I won't be submitting my fic HERE. It'd never get looked at.

>Sage for not actually doing anything.
>> No. 105940
>>105928
>Wow, over 20 fics in the queue?
It's been worse.

Congrats, in a very short post, you've managed to:
1) Complain about the backup in the queue.
2) State an intention not to do anything about it.
3) Seemingly advise everyone else not to bother asking for a review in this thread.

Why are you here again?
>> No. 105941
>>105940
Because statements have never had to be completely useful to the entire community, and because I like to just check in every once in a while.
>> No. 105944
File 133922125683.png - (226.41KB , 900x529 , zftgn.png )
105944
>>105928
I agree wholeheartedly. The queue is quite long and anyone submitting their story should expect to wait quite a long time, particularly because of the abysmal lack of help for TTG. In fact, anymore, you'd have to be crazy to put your fic in this quagmire of a thread.
>> No. 105950
File 133922469971.jpg - (51.99KB , 960x579 , seskg.jpg )
105950
>>105928
>>105940
>>105941
>>105944
What mainly causes the backup is not enough new reviewers. The people who come here, drop a fic off and leave are a net loss to the thread. That's why I advocate leave-a-fic, take-a-fic; it would reduce backups. But I don't know how I or anyone else could go about enforcing that.

Aw hell, I'm posting in this thread, and it's the weekend, so I might as well go ahead and claim:
>>102838 | Hive Mind: The Tragedy of Queen Chrysalis | Atlas86
>>103540 | Question of Sacrifice | SterlingNomad
>>103682 | Anomalous | benxlabs

Hopefully I can also work on meeting other goals this weekend and not kamikaze-ing my social life.
>> No. 105956
I have slightly more time than normal. I'll take this one. Expect a review before the end of the weekend.
>>103321
>> No. 105958
File 133922955029.png - (930.01KB , 960x720 , tumblr_lwdf0k3Xks1qkzqfno1_1280.png )
105958
>>104541
I'll take a look, but your synopsis is not very good if you're looking to attract people to your story. It's very vague.

Anyway, it'll be my pleasure to help you out. TTG has been good to me in the past, so the least I can do is lighten the load for the other poor readers on this site.

Just approve access and I'll get right to it.
>> No. 105959
Readers -> Reviewers

Sorry.
>> No. 105961
File 133923162362.png - (122.56KB , 298x261 , soup nazi.png )
105961
Well, it's not so much a rule as it is a new possible way of doing things. By "possible way" I do not mean we could possibly do it in the future, but that it is entirely do-able right now as an option. When you submit your story, be sure to pledge to review someone else's. This is of course optional but recommended. Do this by copying the post number from the unclaimed queue, and paste it both into your request post (at the beginning, preceded by "claiming") and into the form for submitting.

MAINTAINERS: when you see someone claim a story, if they have any fics waiting to be claimed, and you feel like giving credit where due, put the post number link code (>>NNNNN) in the "Claimed" column of their earliest entry that doesn't have one there already.

The result: the new "Charity" column in the unclaimed queue. This lets other reviewers know who's helping out and deserves a review sooner than everyone else.

Anyone who abuses this feature by pasting in a link to a nonexistent post (just so it matches the regex) earns INSTANT bad karma in my book. It can quickly be checked for abuse without even leaving the keyboard by (hint hint, maintainers) hitting Ctrl-C on Column E of the offending entry, hitting ctrl-F to bring up the search dialog, hitting Ctrl-Back (or Alt-Back, depending on the OS/browser) to skip over the digits, and Ctrl-Backspace to remove the double angle bracket, and then hitting enter to search for instances. If there are entries that aren't anywhere (either the active queue or the old entries or the archive) it's a sure fire sign the claiming feature was abused.
>> No. 105972
This new way of doing things might be similarly unprofitable to the previous way. I don’t think that everyone is capable of writing a good review. After all, many authors of fanfiction are complete amateurs in the field of writing. I for one, as I am a foreigner, don’t have sufficient language skills to proofread something nor have I enough knowledge of literature or a sense of the right proportions of writing to review and rate a story methodically and to judge whether it is well written or not. Beyond commenting on the coherence of the plot, I could not do much more than judge the story based on my personal impressions. Of course, every review is subjective to a certain degree, but there are surely some criteria that need to be fulfilled in a good review but can’t be fulfilled appropriately by everyone. In contrast, everyone can write a fanfic without having a clue of the right methodology and then have it reviewed in order to weed out mistakes and flaws.

It’s not that I don’t want to review stories, but I don’t think that I could give any useful advice. Nevertheless, I would of course like to have the same opportunities of getting a review as those who claim a story when they request a review. I may still have the possibility of using another review thread, but I chose TTG for my first story precisely because I was aware that I couldn’t do anything in return and didn’t want to impose my trash on someone who doesn’t want to sacrifice his time to review it of his own accord.

Therefore, the new rule complicates the situation on TTG for amateurs who are clueless in the matter of reviewing and rather benefits experienced writers.
Apart from that, I think that it could lead to authors beginning to write half-hearted reviews in order to get their stories claimed more easily.

I hope that this post doesn’t get across as self-righteous moaning, it’s just what came to my mind… I know that the rule is a necessary step to increase the review rate and relieve the regular reviewers, whose selfless help is really awesome.
>> No. 105974
>>105972
Simple: get a review review squad. Make unestablished newcomers send them to the review review squad. Once you get five reviews approve you can just post the reviews without sending them to the review review squad.

This won't actually prevent bad reviews or justify anything, but at least it will make it all look neater and more controlled, old reviewers will induct new reviewers, and while saying this will improve reviews is a bit naive, it will kill off the lesser ones. This will lead it all to increase their level, in a general sense, and by adding karma makes people want to respond faster (with smaller reviews, with just a few examples, just some small commentaries, I don't know, but something along those lines).

Plus, if you get a review and don't bring it back to be recheck before sending it to EqD, you are an idiot that should have waited to make sure that you actually corrected it like the reviewer said.
>> No. 105975
>>105974
They can also state that they aren't perfect I have been corrected a few times. It's the same idea. And wasn't the traing grounds both for authors and reviewers?

>>105972
I am dutch and review. It can work. Some times a second eye us alk an author needs, or a hint in which direction they should steer. Being forgein has nothing to do with reviewing IMO
>> No. 105980
File 133925415175.png - (383.02KB , 500x450 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-soon.png )
105980
>>105972
I agree with this.

One of the issues is that EqD will usually send authors here specifically is a fic fails, but EqD pre-readers are very good at what they do, and someone less experienced, (Even myself, even though I've reviewed a decent amount of fics already) or hasn't done a review at all wouldn't be to satisfy the needs of the author. The author may get an opinion, and that's great, and may help, but it's just not enough unless it's from someone more experienced.

We get inexperienced reviewers here all of the time, but this is suggesting a mass influx of them (Even though most won't stick around) which may produce unfruitful results.

We could implement a system where reviewers who do reviews here are scored depending on the quality of their review and the quantity of them and do something based on that. But the problem with this system is that newer people coming here would be left in the dust, or those who just aren't good at reviewing. It would promote healthy competition that would spark an influx of quality of reviews. But again, this leaves something to be desired for those not up to par. Oh well, I like to just suggest things other than sit around and say why something doesn't work.
>> No. 105990
>>105980
There are helpful links in the OP for both reviewing and writing, you know. Anyway, see it like this: They take the time to review other people's stories. They will advance as a writer themselves because they learned something. And as I stated in my other post. When they really make a mess of it, they probably will be corrected. We have a lot of snarky capable reviewers and anons who might not say much all day long, but butt in when it's needed.

The rule is a good one in my opinion, and certainly should be enforced. Also mailing every two weeks to the writers of unclaimed fics would eradicate a few. Some here put a lot of effort into a review but never get an acknowledgement. Or a simple kthxbye only for the author to return with the same mistakes (in the same chapter). Mailing the authors would filter out the ones who posted and never return.

Now I'm ranting. I'll head back to my cage.
>> No. 105993
File 133926096521.jpg - (26.62KB , 400x300 , Rulemeister.jpg )
105993
>>105990
> The rule is a good one in my opinion, and certainly should be enforced.
What's that about enforcing? There's nothing really to enforce. It's just a perk for those who contribute, not a rule. People who abuse it, on the other hand, that's where "enforcement" is necessary, no thanks to the limitations of Ponychan+Google Docs.

>>105972
>>105980
Everyone starts somewhere. Hell, I only had basic knowledge of grammar when I started reviewing, and looking back, I'm embarrassed at the misnomers (and outright errors made out of ignorance) I made when it came to pointing out what I thought was wrong. Honestly, all it takes is reading and trying. One of the most terrible writers I know (not in that he lacks imagination, but that he is sloppy) came in one day and decided he wanted to review, and he actually did give a somewhat decent review. Also, see above. This isn't so much a rule as it is a perk for people who stick around and contribute instead of dropping by like this thread is merely a dry cleaning service for fics and disappear until they get what they want.
>> No. 105995
>>105941
>Because statements have never had to be completely useful to the entire community
Granted, but as a reviewer on this site, I'd hope you'd show a little decorum. Does this mean you're okay with it if I show up in your thread and badmouth it?
>> No. 105996
>>105928
>>105944

To a certain extent, writers can control their own fate with regards to wait time. Dromer summarized it nicely. >>90484

The two biggest points are:
- If you have a long story, submit it in chunks. Fics longer than 12-15k will have a long wait time and get a less thorough review. Submit them a few chapters at a time to keep the word count per review low.
- Do your homework and look through the list of active reviewers. Choose one that matches well with your needs and your tags, and request that reviewer. Alternately, request an active reviewer that isn't currently doing a review, but be prepared that it may be because that reviewer is temporarily unavailable. You'll get attention more quickly this way.
>> No. 106001
>>105993
Point taken.
>> No. 106002
File 133926493558.jpg - (9.26KB , 176x208 , tumblr_ljt9dyzvPu1qj4uijo1_250.jpg )
106002
>>105995
Yes, because even if your statement about my thread is out of malice, I'd rather get opinions from someone dissatisfied by the process presented in my thread and try to better correct it than not get anything at all. I see your point, however, but the comparison with myself is often moot.

It's because I'm crazy.
>> No. 106004
I think this rule will be to the outright detriment of this entire thing.

The only thing this will end up doing is severely thinning the number of people who even bother with submission. Less experienced writers won't bother, being too intimidated or lacking the confidence to judge someone's work.

On the flipside, it devalues every review, which will discourage other writers from bothering with the thread at all. Getting a review can take such a long time, and if the writer suddenly gets picked up by someone with less aptitude than themselves, that time will be outright wasted.

I actually find the prospect of reviewing enthralling, as I've reviewed other things like games and movies in text form. But I wouldn't wish my limited perspective of writing on anyone, because as it is I barely know the technicals. Story? I can review a story all day, but it would be a disservice and a waste of a writer's time to have ME try explaining Lavender Unicorn Syndrome and whether any amount of it is at all acceptable, or firmly not.

Again, I think that limiting the reviews to people who volunteer doing so is going to ensure that the quality of reviews remains excellent as a rule, and encourage the people sent here by the pre-readers not to give-up outright.

Applejack is all for quality over quantity, and not taking shortcuts or compromising the work she's proud of. I'd say that's good advice.
>> No. 106009
File 133926830486.png - (188.45KB , 300x327 , geez.png )
106009
>>106004
Sorry to lose my patience, and with you of all people (and I acknowledge you have had your patience tested and even abused at times), but this is really getting ridiculous.

It's not a rule; I was being facetious with the capslock title in >>105961. It's really just a small new feature of the spreadsheet that encourages authors to give back to the thread. Is that too much to ask? With people bitching about the slowness of TTG all the time, it's the best I can do for now. To quote Twilight Snarkle, "Frankly, the tone from the 'sides' in this argument makes me feel like I'm trying to split a single icecream cone among my children. It's a losing proposition, and those of us who want to help out just end up covered in it."

> Getting a review can take such a long time, and if the writer suddenly gets picked up by someone with less aptitude than themselves, that time will be outright wasted.
The former of those might be rectified if more people helped out. Furthermore, it's not guaranteed that the reviewer will be half bad at it. Risk: a few bad reviews, some time wasted. Reward: more new reviewers, faster turnover for queue items. The reward is what we need, and the risk can easily be dealt with by opening dialogue and having more experienced writers/reviewers chime in. All parties learn from it, the thread moves on, and shit gets done.

> Again, I think that limiting the reviews to people who volunteer doing so
Ugh. Here's what you overlooked in >>105961:
> This is of course optional but recommended. (emphasis added)
>> No. 106010
File 133926849008.gif - (99.66KB , 300x225 , audience.gif )
106010
>>106004
Mother of god. That is simply my entire opinion on this, but worded so precisely that I don't think I could have ever pulled it off.
In short, you are a Gentleman and a Scholar.
>> No. 106014
File 133926993188.jpg - (17.21KB , 300x360 , 292564_282377215187427_100002454536633_602401_1744174905_n.jpg )
106014
>>105993
>One of the most terrible writers I know (not in that he lacks imagination, but that he is sloppy) came in one day and decided he wanted to review, and he actually did give a somewhat decent review.
Somehow I can't help but feel that that's directed at me. If I'm wrong about that I'm wrong, but that matches the description I've heard about my writing.

Anyway
>>105972
It was always my understanding that the Training Grounds, are for training new reviewers, or new writers. The way I see it, this is a collaborative review thread, and the reason everypony is encouraged to jump in and help is so that the less experienced reviewers or writers will get a helping hoof from those who are more experienced.

Now I realize that I sound a bit hypocritical because I mostly just lurk rather than helping out, but I make it a point to throw in my two bits wherever I feel it could help, as I have just done. I feel that we who are regulars to this board and to this thread, have an obligation to help out those ponies who want to help out, but don't quite have the hang of things yet, in a similar manner that a mother eagle provides updrafts with her wingtips for her young to glide on as they learn to fly.

That's what I thought the Training Grounds were for. Am I wrong in that assumption.
>> No. 106015
>>106014
> Somehow I can't help but feel that that's directed at me.
Nope, not at all. I don't believe I've read any of your stuff. It was directed at this one guy on FiMFiction who I refer to a lot.

> That's what I thought the Training Grounds were for. Am I wrong in that assumption.
Nope. Plenty of people have started out here, in the manner you describe. You're only incorrect in that your final sentence is improperly punctuated with a period instead of a question mark.
>> No. 106016
File 133927224522.jpg - (7.21KB , 239x211 , 23948652-309.jpg )
106016
>>106015
I was hoping nopony would notice that. I caught it after I posted but the password had already changed so I couldn't delete it.
>> No. 106052
File 133929146936.png - (1.48MB , 1078x872 , ppfourthwall.png )
106052
>>106009

I was tempted to suggest closing the queue temporarily to clear out stories awaiting review, but then I realized that there is not much room to bitch about the delays. The author knows (or should know) in advance that there will be wait times when submitting something to a thread, especially a community one like this, and, as trite as it is, this is a free service offered by reviewers (who are likely writers as well). I understand that there is a general expectancy time to get something back, but the submitter must be made aware that he/she is only contributing to the lag time by only receiving and not giving the service of reviewing.

To be honest, I'd like to see the "submit a story, take a story" scenario implemented. As long is the review is not blatantly rushed and offers decent constructive criticism, then it's all good. Story gets a review, and reviewer gets new perspectives on writing and could possibly learn a thing or two in the process. Offenders can be placed on a blacklist.

Am I being too optimistic here? Probably.
>> No. 106053
File 133929149804.png - (23.62KB , 830x650 , Ponysona_Me2.png )
106053
>>105437

Hi again. Sorry for the lateness of this response, but I had stuff keep coming up that had to be dealt with. As promised, I've gone through the comments on the doc (I've left a few of my own in there, too. Be sure to give it a look.) and have already used them to make adjustments to the fic.

You (or at least one of you) will be happy to know that ellipsis have been nuked. I still have a few here and there, but the overall count is way down. I believe I have it down to no more than a dozen for both chapters combined.

I have also tweaked the dialogue quite a bit. Some lines have been completely added or reworked, while others just had more mechanical issues fixed or rearranged to add some variety to the sentence structure. I'm not quite finished with the tweaking yet, but I feel the story is already stronger because of it.

I admit I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to bring out Sweetie's stage fright without making her seem shy. I may have to consult with some friends on that, although feel free to offer your own suggestions (this applies to others who might be reading this as well.)

I'm happy to hear that I succeeded in capturing the mood of the show. That's the one thing I aimed for when I started writing this.

As for the synopsis issue, I understand the concern. However, I don't plan to beat around the bush for too much longer. In fact, *Story Spoiler* my plan is to have the contest portion of the story resolved by the end of the next chapter. It's a story about how all of the CMC finally get their cutie marks, after all.

But once again, many thanks to the both of you for your input. It's really helped me out, and even though the editing isn't finished yet, I feel much more confident about this story's quality. I'll be sure to drop this story off in The Training Grounds again once I have chapter 2 ready to go. Cheers!
>> No. 106059
>>105871
Here's the first half.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W9WwPUAcQtaNRjm9AJPT2GSYu8W_Nk67BjNWelpVV48/edit

Your indentations are uneven. But you don't need them and double spacing, so just cut them.

And you have a lot of Tell where Show would be better.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ShowDontTell?from=Main.Ptitleixk37p06
>> No. 106089
Author: Hollyfern
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure]
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Rdg8812prwWLFgYlYxlzvpjcnJH8iQ_WYATtBvwmrp4/edit

After the defeat of Queen Chrysalis, Shinning Armor's barrier spell has been duplicated across Equestria. But a decade of peace was not meant to last, as forces long forgotten begin to stir once more, and bring with them things that should remain buried.
>> No. 106093
>>106059

Sigh...guess I got my work cut out for me huh? I guess the reason I failed at that 'parody' is because it wasn't supposed to be one in the first place.

Where's my shovel...
>> No. 106122
File 133933522745.jpg - (46.83KB , 246x153 , MONSTERPIECE.jpg )
106122
Word Count: 3,450

Tags: [Shipping] [Fluff] [High-Concept] [Philosophypony]

Synopsis: A young colt named Alpha moves to Canterlot with his family. Unsure of himself, but excited to be going to school in a castle, he befriends another classmate who doesn't seem to have any friends either, Princess Celestia's first student in 2000 years, Twilight Sparkle.

Foals! Best Friends! They all eventually grow up! Other things happen! An attempt at saying something more meaningful than usual, maybe!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hSAMArmIO4YYXVkKmRhYzYwDYnlKluQCKdWDniQv6ns/edit

I feel like this is something a lot of you could enjoy, so I want /fic to take a look at it before I submit it anywhere.

I'm an ex-creative writing major and a 3rd year in college, so while I probably have stupid errors in here or obvious problems--I'm kinda' rusty--I'd guess this might be a bit easier to review than other drafts you might see. Also, I've already tried my best to proofread, so there's that too.

Thanks much!

Feel free to contact me at: [email protected]
>> No. 106126
>>105958
You've been added. I look forward to hopefully improving this story with you in the upcoming future.
>> No. 106128
>>106089
Hey there. I could try and review this if you like, but I'm certainly no expert; especially, if you ask anyone that's reviewed my own story recently, when it comes to punctuation and proper structure.

I can only tell you how much I like it, maybe point out errors if I somehow spot them, but you'll really want some second, seasoned, opinions as well to deal with any fine details. You should take my advice with a grain of salt, please. Actually, probably more like a spoon. Wow, I'm really bad at selling myself...
>> No. 106135
File 133934861402.jpg - (76.83KB , 640x430 , a_pirate_he_was_meant_to_be_by_anadukune-d507dcz.jpg )
106135
>>106128
Assuming that the author's had a look over his/her own work, anything new that you as a fresh pair of eyes see will be a help already. Many people underestimate the value of simple, third-party opinions. At best, you'd be a source of critical insights, and at worst, you'd just be a reader, and the appreciation for those is generally pretty high as it is.

>>104352
Tentative claim on goldar's "Through Friendship and Chaos". Jumping into it blind because 1) it worked out pretty well the last time I did that, and 2) your synopsis does not do wonders for a first impression. If I don't make good on this claim, you'll at least have this:

-----
It feels like an eternity now, since I began to write this.
I remember to have a peaceful and happy - although weird - life.
I'm not sure if it is gone now. I just, don't believe we will make it through.
Now, we are finally reaching the end of our journey, the end of all, and I will make them pay for what they have done.
I don’t care who they think they are, I don’t care what kind of power they hold.
I don’t care that they are gods and have the control of an army of undead.
But I just hope, my friends make it through, that we find victory.
Or redemption for that matter.”
-----
What's with the one-line paragraphing? I dunno about others, but it's a pet peeve of mine when people do that, on the grounds that it looks sloppy: that instead of structuring a meaningful, single paragraph, you had to go and break it up into this.

>It feels like an eternity now, since I began to write this.
delete the comma

>I remember to have a peaceful and happy - although weird - life.
>I'm not sure if it is gone now. I just, don't believe we will make it through.
delete the comma after "just"

"I remember to have" - read that aloud and, yeah, fix it.

Exposition is: "the author's providing of some background information to the audience about the plot, characters' histories, setting, and theme", and it's to be done in-story instead of via summary. The summary is meant to give an idea of what the story's about, not do the work of the story.

>Now, we are finally reaching the end of our journey, the end of all, and I will make them pay for what they have done.
The word "timeskip" comes to mind. Again, refer to exposition and how it's not supposed to be in synopsiseseses.

>But I just hope, my friends make it through, that we find victory.
delete comma after "hope"

>Or redemption for that matter
This comes off as an attempt at being edgy, sitting in its own incomplete sentence. It isn't.

So your synopsis introduces its own build-up, conflict, even ending, and possibly spoilers for relatively significant plot points (zombie army lolwut). It feels very shounen manga-ish without the flashy art, action or epic characters, leaving it hollow. I wouldn't want to read it because you've outright told me pretty much everything that's going to happen. There's no more suspense, and without that, no driving force. How your story will actually turn out is a different matter, but nobody's going to give you a shot if you can't produce the hope (or even illusion) that time spent reading this will be time well spent.
>> No. 106136
>>106122
Fill out the submission form (link at the top of the page, under "For writers:") so you get added to the queue, please.
>> No. 106141
>>106128
Please, any input is welcome. :3 And, I'll take your advice and get a second opinion as well. :p
>> No. 106145
>>103634

Okay, I'll take a crack at this. I've had a story in the queue for quite some time and it's high time I stopped freeloading and lent a hoof.

I have some writing and editing experience. Never worked with Google Docs before, so if my review comes out wonky or gets lost or something, please forgive.

Let's start with your synopsis:

>Many of us have heard about Star Swirl the >Bearded, one of the greatest unicorns to wander >Equestria's soils. But what is his story? Where >was he born, how did he grow up? What was he >doing during the creation of Equestria? What >was his actions during the reign of Discord? >How was he involved in the creation of >Nightmare Moon? And what is his standing with >the elements of balance and the three gods? >But most importantly:

>How can he still be alive?

First, I recommend shortening it. Overlong synopses seem to be an epidemic in MLP fanfic writing. If I'm looking for a new story to read, I don't even bother opening it if the synopsis loses my attention halfway through, overloads me with detail, or contains grammatical errors. Tease me; don't dump on me. And don't ask me a long string of questions: before I've actually gotten into the story, the answer to most of those questions is either "Huh?" or "I don't care." Especially that thing about the three gods--I've never heard of them before, so the question makes no sense to me.

Also, make sure the grammar in the synopsis is tight. Mistakes here will warn the reader that you've made other mistakes in the body of the story. "What was his actions" should be "What WERE his actions". Be careful with verb-subject agreement. Also, "Where was he born, how did he grow up?" isn't awful, but should probably be fixed anyway; it would be acceptable in dialogue because people really do talk like that, but grammatically speaking, it's a comma splice.

Also, the questions are weak rather than intriguing: they make it sound like this is going to be an exhaustive biography rather than a tightly plotted piece of fiction.

I once knew a professor who often reviewed biographies. He confided to me that he usually skipped the first few chapters because he didn't care about important people's birthplaces and childhoods. Now, info about birthplaces and childhoods can indeed be interesting, but you need to make them interesting. You can't expect a reader to find them interesting in and of themselves, so the mention that we're going to learn where he was born can probably be sliced from your synopsis.

Instead of a series of questions, give me a summary, with teasers (but without spoilers), of your plot. A question at the end of the synopsis is fine, but it should be limited to just one question that leaves the reader hanging and makes him want to learn more.
>> No. 106149
>>106145
Firstly, thank you for taking a look at it. I truly appreciate it! (I looked over how much you had already looked over. It was ALOT already, feels like I will have much to edit. I can live with that.)

And regarding the synopsis. Believe me, it won't stay. I have just not gotten around to change it yet ^^'
>> No. 106150
File 133936101246.png - (97.95KB , 800x800 , 133281537588.png )
106150
I picked up a few fics without scouring Ponychan first. I've since then done the same for other queue items. Overlap is one of the other lead causes of pile-ups (and wasted effort). People leave their fics in here, then when they go off to request a review elsewhere, don't come back to tell the maintainers that they're taking it elsewhere.

Question of Sacrifice by SterlingNomad was reviewed by Chocolate Milk at >>104981 on Friday Jun. 1, but that this had happened wasn't at all indicated in the queue. The author acknowledged said review, and hasn't been seen since (no indication that more help was necessary or requested).

Anomalous. Dromer's partial review here: >>104860 author hasn't responded. Emailed, awaiting response.

That leaves the Chrysalis story, which I've already started (but I'm hella busy, so it might be until Tuesday or Wednesday)
>> No. 106159
File 133936626310.jpg - (56.54KB , 608x437 , INTRIGUEANDSUSPENSEAWAITS.jpg )
106159
>>106136

Gotcha. Thanks for catching that.

Aaand, done
>> No. 106170
>>106141
Consider it claimed then; I'll try and do what I can.
>> No. 106172
Here's a question: How do y'all come up with titles for your stories? I have my new story, have all the major plot points planned, but I'm stumped on what to call the dang thing. How do you come up with yours?
>> No. 106174
>>106172
Typically a somewhat obscure reference that a reader could still make a reasonable guess at the meaning of, or a key phrase from the story's climax.
>> No. 106178
>>106172
I usually go with how I answer two questions: "What is the main message I'm trying to get across?" and, "Did what I just say sound kind of stupid?"
>> No. 106193
>>106172
Some use quotes that reflect the story.
>> No. 106196
>>106150

I have waited a long time for this to simply get picked up again. I have no problem waiting a few more days. Please, take your time.
>> No. 106197
>>103159
Pinkamena: The Dark Descent
Author: Wolokai
e-mail: [email protected]

Synopsis:

Tragedy Sad Dark Crossover
3,744 ( 25,430 )
For the small town of Ponyville, the eve of Nightmare Night will forever be seen and viewed as a tragedy and murderous event. Pinkie-Pie, the Party Pony of Ponyville, has been accused of murder by a Health Inspector working for a rival chain of bakery and sweet shops in Equestria. Even with a powerful defense, Pinkie-Pie was charged with one count of Murder, but fled Ponyville soon after, her friend Fluttershy honorably taking the fall for her escape and herself being imprisoned for being an Accomplice. Five years later, a Detective Pony, Mr.W.Quill, will learn and discover the mystery of Pinkie Pie's Dark Descent, and the grim, bloody trail that was left in its wake. How the story ends...only through hearing the tale will the Detective discover it. He is willing to unravel the truth behind a plot of sinister evil...and will learn what a Pink Mare had to do, to save herself, and a town under siege

This is the tale of a baker, who had everything...and a colt of Power took her friend away, destroyed her happiness, and accused her of a most atrocious crime...and in her sorrow...a new mare was born. Never Forget...NEVER...Forgive.

Stay Tuned for a sequel!!!

Link (on FiMFiction): http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2174/Pinkamena%3A-The-Dark-Descent

Request: Please, I want a pre-reader who is very nitpicky. I need to improve a lot!
>> No. 106208
>>103321
>>105956

Review of Princess Trinity

Impressions from reading: (What I got from remember from reading, going off to do something else, then writing down what I remember)

First off, you have a lot of extra spaces. Open your file, run a find-replace and replace every occurrence of two spaces with one.

Beyond that, your writing is very clean, so good job with that. I'll run a line-by-line check to catch anything I notice.

Make sure you are aware of what you are doing by leading off with a quote. While it can set the tone, it also carries the suggestion that you can't or don't feel confident enough to write your own introduction. You also need to make sure your writing carries the same tone as the introduction; otherwise, you waste any benefit that such an introduction could give. You do this fairly well for a significant chunk of the prologue, but the tone definitely degrades, especially once you introduce the other demons.
I also can't help but feel that the more informal tone that you switch to feels more natural. It could be that I'm more familiar reading the more conversational tone you take later in the prologue, but I'm guessing writing that way is more natural for you as well, so you may want to consider dropping or at least lessening the formality you use at the beginning.

Another question, is the inscription on the gate supposed to be a direct quote from Dante's Inferno? I admit, I'm not particularly knowledgeable regarding mythology or classical depictions of hell, but I do remember that the more famous translation of the last line of Dante's Inferno is "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." If the inscription is supposed to be a direct quote, you may want to switch to the more famous translation. If it is just supposed to be an homage to Dante, I would recommend changing it further from the original, just so it doesn't confuse as to whether it is a mistake that was supposed to be the original inscription or an intentional difference.

Just a heads up, I don't think this story will pass Equestria Daily's content filters. This isn't to say that it isn't well written; I admit this genre of story isn't my cup of tea*, yet I still read it in reader rather than reviewer mode which is much more than I can say for most stories. However, the grimdark nature of this story is a lot stronger than most stories that I've seen. Just the scene in chapter 2 with Tungsten Steve and Bossy is likely to get it sunned. At the same time, I don't think this is really something that you should change. You set up the story to be bleak and violent, but do so because that is what is appropriate for the story, so compromising it would weakening. This isn't so much advice as just a warning: This probably has the quality to make it to EqD, but don't be surprised or offended if it gets rejected due to content.
* On this note, you may want to get someone who is more knowledgeable about the relevant mythology and enjoys the stronger warfics to give you feedback on the characters that I cannot

Keeping in mind the note above that I'm not a mythology person, the rivers paragraph felt like an expodump of unnecessary information to me. Tirek drinking from Lethe seemed to be the only reason that paragraph was necessary and Chrysalis gives him back his memory soon afterwards, so I think you could skip that portion without much of an issue. Chrysalis giving him a chance to pursue revenge would be more than enough reason for them to team up.

Inkie's and Ironside's reaction to the scout team of pegasi seems extremely muted. I know Inkie's a bit of a sociopath* and Ironsides is military, but they see ponies literally being crucified. There hasn't been a war in "millennia," so there's no way they would acclimate to that type of violence. It should at least be shocking, if not outright immobilising, and warrants far more than a euphemistic response.
*Equestria hasn't had a war in millennia yet she's spending lots of time building advanced weaponry. That's a point that needs some explanation.
Also, the fact that she's the mayor of Hoofington seems out of place. I doubt ponies would elect her just because her cutie mark seems to fit when she's expressed no desire to do any of the work and spends her time doing things that make her the equivalent of a mad scientist socially. Why not just have her respected by the military for building crazy, but useful contraptions, and give her necessary authority to drive the plot that way?


If you want to get more views, I would recommend removing the G1/G4 crossover from the initial sentence of the synopsis. While you do use Tirek, you've done a good job of making him understandable to someone read: me who has absolutely no knowledge of G1, so unless you are planning on bringing back other G1 characters as a major part of the plot, you should be fine with dropping the G1 crossover line and just mentioning Tirek as one of the enemies somewhere in the middle to end of the synopsis. In fact, if you name drop Tirek with some of the other demons, most readers probably wouldn't notice. This should help with the significant fraction of readers who see in the first sentence and immediately run away.
On the similar note, you may want to consider rewording the synopsis to de-emphasise the mane six or adding new sections to the first couple chapters so that the readers see the mane six. Right now, it seems like Inkie and friends, the princesses, and the antagonists are the main characters, so claiming that the story is a mane six focus while it may become that at some point may be lose you readers who come in expecting the mane six and don't see them beyond cursory mention.

Line-by-line section: (These are more lower level things and impressions and comments that I remember when I see the line itself)

The initial sentence, while I understand it is an attempt to continue from the quote, stands out as an example of the archaic tone coming off as forced and a little awkward. Also, the first paragraph is a little bit of a generic description, although I can see where it comes from. Maybe you could try giving some information that won't be completely obvious to readers familiar with the series, like some perspective on Equestria's innocence that is unique to your world. This is nitpicking, but I tend to be pickier about the initial section of a piece, just because that it where a reader will decide whether or not to stop reading, so it's important to hit hard and have a strong hook.

Second paragraph is borderline purple, where you use multiple adjectives on each noun. Try to keep the adjectives down to what is absolutely necessary to convey the scene.

>from a hoard of harpies that ... plague the world
This seems oddly specific. I'd recommend a shorter, more generic as much as I hate recommending anything generic description of the monsters to keep the pace quick and keep the focus on the gate.

>great and terrible weirds
Should this be wards?

>Naught could open the door save Doomsday, and on its great granite lintel,
It seems like you lack a transition here. You go from pounding how impenetrable the gate is, to suddenly in the same sentence, "Oh, by the way, there's an inscription."

You use comma splices, but they seem intentional, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. If you have no idea what a comma splice is though, you should ask and make sure you are aware.

>Day and night Cerberus
Comma after night

Watch out for excessive lists. You seem to like using them, and while I understand that they fit well for giving a passing description of a place where the particulars are particularly important, they get old very fast if used too much. Also, there is an inherent "symmetry" around using three descriptors that makes listing more acceptable. The more you go past three, the more likely you are to bore your readers.

>Every nerve in his body was numb with pain. All around him, other creatures, chained as he was, groaned and screamed and wept in the fire, but Tirek made no sound.
It seems like the order of these two sentences should be switched.

>set of Unicorns
When you refer to general unicorns and pegasi, these are species and not proper nouns, so they aren't typically capitalised. It would be like capitalising wolves or horses in a sentence.
>set of unicorns

>I understand they come in an array of interesting colors."
>"I hear each one has a special talent," buzzed Beelzebub.
Why would they care about this? They are demons. This comes off surprisingly like immature gossip, which I really think would damage your characterisations well, besides Asmoday.

The dialogue section where they outline their plan is drawing dangerously close to talking head syndrome, where you don't give enough context to keep the conversation from devolving into a list of things each character says. Maybe try showing the demons reactions to each other to give an idea of what their dynamic for interacting with each other would be. Or body language reactions to Chrysalis as she speaks, showing how their opinions change and when they begin to come around.

>"A liar in Hell? Heaven forbid.
This line is fantastic. You do this type of thing quite a bit and it is something I really like. Don't overdo it, but just be aware that it is noticed.

>an enormous figure: he had thread heads
I'm not sure a colon works here. I would recommend a full stop.

>he had three heads like a lion, an ox, and a goat, upon which
As this is written, it makes the reader have to go back and re-parse, since as you read it seems like "three heads like a lion" means he has three lion heads, but then the rest of the list forces a reread. You can avoid this by phrasing it like
>he had three heads, a lion, an ox, and a goat, upon which

>Upon his back he wore
>In his left hand he bore
I'd recommend commas after back and hand respectively. However, you use two very similar sentence structures back to back here, so you may want to consider rewriting one of them to say what you want in a different way.

>The devils mumbled amongst themselves.
This is neutral, so you should give more context as to why they are mumbling. I assume it is supposed to be the shocked type of mumbling where someone says something shocking and the crowd begins buzzing, but it could just as easily be
>The devils mumbled amongst themselves, not paying him any attention.
or
>The devils mumbled amongst themselves, unimpressed by his typical boasting.
Also, I don't recommend fixing it via that model. Those were mostly examples to show, very quickly, why the sentence was ambiguous.

>"Explain," Chrysalis repeated.
This section is begging for reactions. Leaving Chrysalis blank indicates that she didn't flinch at Astaroth's defiance, but the reactions of the spectators would give the reader a good view into the dynamic between the other demons, Chrysalis, and Astaroth.

>“Why have you not claimed her?” gasped Asmoday.
Isn't Asmoday supposed to be comic relief/lust, not strategist? Chrysalis or one of the more serious demons seem like they would be a better fit for this. Also, while this is supposed to be a sudden comment, gasped seems out of place, particularly since the comment attempts to follow the archaic tone from the beginning.

>Everyone in the room fell silent and watched him.
This is the type of reaction dynamic that I was talking about. Yes, it is easier for Tirek, because he's on top and the response is "scare the shit out of everybody," but it is still a good example of showing the dynamic between the various demons. You've introduced a bunch of characters in the demons, so now, you need to make them significant. If coming up with a distinct dynamic with how each character reacts to the others is too complicated, then you've picked too many characters. Right now, Asmoday and maybe Astaroth are the only ones that seem to have distinct personality. Mannon in particular seems generic enough that I didn't register him on my first read through.
Now that I think about it, you may be falling into the trap of using your demons interchangeably. Whenever one of your demons says something or one of them specifically does something, you should have a justification for why they do it and not anyone else. I'm not sure you have this justification.
>> No. 106209
>>106208
Part 2

-Chapter 1 starts here-

I'd recommend skipping the description of Inkie's workshop and going straight into her work. The workshop is not particularly interesting and you want each chapter to start off strong. Chapter 1 is particularly important because readers may start there if they decide to skip the prologue, so you want it to have a hook.

I admit, it's nice to see a pony besides Lyra interested in hands and actually have a reason to be interested.

>white Unicorn stallion
Same as before.

I think you're overdoing the Minnesotan on Bossy. Specifically, she doesn't need to say "don'cha know" every time she speaks.

>three Pegasus Ponies hung on crosses
You can use either pegasi or pegasus ponies here, but in either case, it shouldn't be capitalised.

>the Earth Ponies she had trained

>Earth Ponies can now fight as well as Pegasi or Unicorns

>six Earth Ponies unloading

>tonight!" She shouted to the artillery ponies, “Establish
While it's not technically incorrect, I would recommend putting additional distance between the first quote and the next one, so it is immediately obvious where the attribution is directed.
>tonight!" She turned and shouted to the artillery ponies, "Establish

>Inkie’s engineers had carefully mapped ... temperature, humidity, and wind.
I don't think you need this. You want to keep the pace quick for the action scene, and it is obvious that the ponies that work the system would have some guess at its capabilities. I find it odder that Ironsides doesn't protest or at least question before the guns are fired.

>“Typical Unicorn thug!

>you dastard!”
I'm not sure if this is a typo, or intentional pseudocensorship.

>through grit teeth,
I think this should be gritted or gritting, or for simplicity, clenched. Grit in this case would be turning the noun into the adjective, so teeth made of grit. I don't think that's what you're going for.

The exchange between Inkie and Ironsides needs reactions. About the only reaction you have in there is He dropped her. and it isn't clear whether this is out of frustration or resignation or what. The rest of it is a lot of talking heads.

Ellipses used in speech are typically three full stops together with no space after

>What filly are you trying to impress with your misplaced gallantry,
Nice work with the understated crush between Inkie and Ironsides. I mostly mention this to warn you away from doing something rash to resolve the plotline. If Inkie gets him back from the dead, she damn well better have to earn it.

>“Oh ya, don’cha know?” Bossy shouted back.
Generic Minnesotan is not a catch-all response. You're better off having her say nothing than something like this.

>Pegasi armed with storm clouds and three companies of armored Unicorns
>armored Unicorns ran
>flying Pegasi pushed
>The Pegasi sent
I'll stop marking these now, but you should be able to do a search for pegasi, unicorn, and earth pony to fix these. I will mark if you do it with something other than the big three.

I can believe that the Mark VII getting back up might be an issue, but not being able to back up seems a little odd. That is really basic controls and not all that difficult to implement. It's just reverse the motors.
At the same time, I find it rather ridiculous that she would just charge in knowing the deficiencies. I can see maybe charging in a little ways and then using the weapons to hit them from a safe distance, but I do not understand charging all the way in when the system is that delicate. Inkie had to know that there was a very high chance something would happen where she would need to retreat and back up if she went all the way in and she said herself she's not one for making rash decisions. So why would she plan to charge all the way in? If it was really that powerful of a system where it could make a difference, then why would she go so far in as to risk giving it to her enemies in a state where the only thing wrong with it is orientation? Unless she has a suicide wish, she would have to know there was an extremely high likelihood that she would have to ditch the thing to survive. On the other hand, if it wouldn't give the demons that much of an advantage if they got ahold of it, then why would she bother using it in battle against them? If it's not strong enough to hurt if the demons get ahold of it, then it's probably not strong enough to warrant getting in a controls deathtrap to try to fight them off. You've already established that Inkie's a decent strategist, so why wouldn't she have at least considered these possibilities? I know she's a bit of a sociopath/mad scientist, and there may be some interest in testing her invention, but I don't think she would jeopardise the situation just to satisfy her curiosity.
A possible fix for this is simple, just have the Warhorse get damaged enough to limit controls, then you can have the exact same situation as before without having to use the old explanation. Since you have one of the monsters tearing it apart anyway, I assume having the machine end up in the enemy's possession intact isn't a major plot point, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. If it's important that Inkie feels guilty, then you can just let the system that fails be one that she meant to upgrade in version VIII.

It seems a little bit early to pull out something like traitors in the ranks as a plot point. It's not wrong, just be aware that you'll need to have other devices later in the story to keep things interesting and pulling out all the stops here means you'll have less to draw from later.

It's a bit odd that Inkie focuses on leaving Bossy and Tungsten than the death of Ironsides.

>Cold wind whistling from the high peaks struck her face and turned the tears on her muzzle to frost.
Not relevant.

>Inkie forced herself to run until sweat matted her coat and foam-flecked saliva ran from her mouth.
I'm not sure until is the right word here, as that would imply that the presence of the sweat and saliva made her stop. Something like though or despite would work better, although I'm not sure the detail is particularly necessary here.

Related, you have a bunch of details about the scenery as she runs through Canterlot. That really isn't important as it is the end of a battle scene and what matters is Inkie getting the message to Celestia. Including the details slows the pace in what should be an urgent scene.

Why doesn't Inkie just tell the guards what's going on, or at least say she has an urgent message instead of just repeating "Let me in" over and over. I know she's tired, but she doesn't have qualms about telling Parsnip, so why would she care if the guards know at that point.

-Chapter 2 starts here-

I realise that this is a plot point that probably can't change, but I'm not sure the institutionalised abuse of Tungsten Steve for being a minotaur is particularly believable. The only reason the ponies called Iron Will a monster is because he made Fluttershy act horribly. I also find it unlikely that they would outright tell Steve that he doesn't really belong and they don't want him at the university because he is a minotaur, then let him in anyway. If you made the racism more understated, like "If any monster could understand the technology we teach here, you'd be the one. Welcome aboard!" or something to that effect, where they aren't overtly and intentionally insulting him, I'd find that more believable. Or having other students torment him rather than the administration itself. But institutionally-supported racism in Equestria seems out of place.

>For some reason, her remark didn’t anger him.
That's not really justification. There's really nothing different between what the interview panel said to him and what she says there, other than the interview panel having more time to press the issue. If you made it clear that she was somewhat sarcastic, but still inviting, then it would be more believable as to why he isn't offended by her comment.

You use colons a lot. They are not generally incorrect, but you use enough of them that their presence is distinctive.

I mentioned this before, but I think it was about an isolated paragraph. You seem to fall into the trap of using multiple adjectives tacked onto a noun in attempt to describe something in a few words rather than working to create sentences of imagery. It makes your writing seem purple and is generally less effective than putting in the effort to write fuller imagery. Having slower paced sections between action scenes isn't a bad thing.

Again, watch out for talking heads.

>constant droning as of millions of insects
This seems awkward. Perhaps use like instead of as of.

>translucent and green, like emerald
This is changeling... substance. Emerald has strictly positive connotations. I'd recommend and different word.

If Steve has said he already knows the history of his species, why does Chrysalis need to explain it again? Yes, it's an exposition dump so the reader knows what happened, but from a story perspective. If you made it a bit clearer that she was doing it to be malicious I recommend those body language cues I keep recommending to break up the talking heads, then that would make it stronger.

I will admit, Chrysalis' character is disturbingly creepy, as is entirely appropriate for the story.

>“Don’t you worry, Bossy, I won’t. You heard her, Your Majesty:
You should show the shift in who he's talking to. Also, why is he referring to Chrysalis as royalty? They are enemies. Finally, colons. Lots of colons.

>He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was, and he pulled the moisture into his throat before he thought of the consequences.
He's just resolved to accept torture of both himself and Bossy before joining Chrysalis and he gives that up because he is thirsty. Come on now. At least have him refuse and make her hold his nose closed or something. Besides, something that disgusting he'd at least think twice before putting it in his mouth even if it was something from someone he trusted, much less an enemy.

>most of their meaning lost:
The colon really doesn't work here. Just go with a period.

>Princess Celestia ... kept her shameful secret.
This has been something that I've considered mentioning over most of the piece but it seems most obvious here. Watch out for repetitive sentence structure. Nearly every sentence in this paragraph has at least one occurrence of the she verbed structure, so it would be a good idea to vary how you write the various sentences.

This isn't a bad thing, but you have a propensity for using furniture names I've never heard of.

>"Begging Her Highness's pardon
Why does Parsnip switch from referring to Celestia from Your Highness to Her Highness? You have him switch back to Your Highness later as well. Also, I doubt Celestia would care that much for formality particularly in an informal setting as this one.

You also do a lot with proper names for horse anatomy, which as lazy as this is for a fandom about ponies is going to go over a lot of readers' heads.

>Perhaps Ironsides would still be alive.
Just mentioning this as stronger evidence for giving his death more weight than just leaving her two college friends behind.

Everyone already knows what Celestia looks like. You don't need to re-describe her appearance unless something has changed or you need to emphasise a particular feature.

>Of vices he could exploit, Asmoday found few
This sentence is redundant with the previous list.

I like the characterisation of Shining Armor. He is still the polite stallion from the episodes, but at the same time, he is definitely male.

Wraith pegasi is would fall under the same species rule as pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony and so wouldn't need to be capitalised.

Most everything I see is the same stuff each time. Lots of talking heads, some repetitive sentence structure, overuse of colons and to a lesser extent semicolons, and capitalisation of species. I will say that this, particularly chapter 2, should have a grimdark, not dark tag, and it is borderline to the point where you may want to consider a content warning. It's nothing tasteless or explicit, but you do have much stronger scenes than I've seen in most fics.

Overall, this is well done. It can use some polishing in the areas I mentioned, but it is certainly better than most fics I encounter. You may want to look into getting an opinion from someone who enjoys darker fics and is familiar with the mythology, but ideally, this should give you something to work with.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you aren't understanding my advice, then I'm not helping. My email will be in the trip, so you can contact me there or with a post response.

Keep writing. I admit that this isn't my type of story, but it's intriguing enough that I would like to see what is done with it.
>> No. 106219
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106219
>>106150
>Anomalous. Dromer's partial review here: >>104860
>Dromer
>pic
I did email the author after finishing the review, with no response. I'm going to post on his Fimfic wall instead and direct him here. We'll see how that goes.
>> No. 106220
>>105950
Hullo!

A Couple of days ago, you offered to review Question of Sacrifice, something that had been stuck right at the back of the que (for which I thank you greatly by the way!), and I feel obliged just to mention that its been through Chocolate Milk during that time, and as such there are still a few things of his that I need to fix. (dialogue mainly, and the last few pages of the doc.)

I know its a bit late for this, and for that I apologies, but I know that you kind people want to know about this stuff and I figure better late than never right?

Cheers!
>> No. 106221
Title: In Flame
Author: SteelEagle
Email: [email protected] (Funnily enough, forgot password so it is somewhat useless)
Tags: [dark][tragedy][sad][adventure]
Words: 11,640
Chapters: Two of many. (Third will be up in teh next few days)
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31014/In-Flame
Synopsis: War has a way of searing more than pelt. As the ponies of Equestria engage in a titanic struggle for survival, it will take a stout few to weather the cackling mania that threatens to consume all.


EqD Rejected, following comments:
Hyphen and Em dash confusion, and outright Em dash misuse. Considerable ambiguity in narration.
Comma splices. Ellipses abuse.
Quotation mark mistakes, especially on continuing monologues across paragraphs.
Extraneous spaces. Overuse of conjunctions to begin narrative sentences.
Gets quite purple at times. (I don't know what this means.)
Breaking established tone in your narration.

(He did enjoy the story, however. Huzzah?)

Thank you for your time. First time Chan user.
>> No. 106240
>>104258
Having already gone through about half of "The Zodiac Ritual", Chapter 7, I'm now staking an official claim. I like what I see so far, although I'm missing some background from the previous six chapters. Everypony addresses Rarity as "Lady Rarity." Was she granted a title?

To this point I have only one substantive plot quibble, which should be easily fixable. Everything else has been minor mechanical issues. Expect a complete review by Wednesday.
>> No. 106242
Tags: [Slice of Life][Comedy][Sad]
Synopsis: When Twilight receives one of the original journals of Starswirl the Bearded, she can’t wait to try the spells inside it – but her reckless experimentation leads to her accidentally bringing her reflection to life. At first, Twilight decides she quite likes the idea of having a copy around the library. But seeing herself from an outside perspective makes Twilight realize there are some parts of her personality she doesn’t care for, forcing her to confront her issues.

Links: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B90Wg9JitxZhVVgzWlN3aG1UWjg/edit

Comments/Requests:
The EQD proofreaders said, quote: " Your storytelling skills are rather remarkable, and you manage to weave a very interesting story with a peculiar concept. Addressing the identity issues Twilight's reflection experiences upon coming through the mirror was well done, and her adapting to this new reality was well written and well paced. The comedy even got a few chuckles out of me.

However, I cannot recommend this for posting. This is because your story has some severe grammatical issues that greatly reduced the otherwise enjoyable experience of reading your story. Most notable is your sordid love affair with dashes, which you should either rid yourself of or learn to do properly, as it's killing your fic. You also have notable problems with punctuation in regards to run-ons and dialogue. There are other interspersed grammar and spelling issues, most of which are listed below, along with other issues."

In short, while I have done my best to correct all the specific issues mentioned in the EQD readers email, it's clear that this story needs the editing attention of someone with greater grammatical ability then myself.
>> No. 106250
>>106240

Cool. I'll wait until you go through the whole thing to make changes and reply to your comments.

Side note: Fluttershy says 'Yay' every time you leave a comment. Literally. That's my notification sound and my phone is synched to my gmail. There's probably a way to disable that, but I'm not sure I want to.
>> No. 106258
>>106209

Thank you very much for taking the time to review this one. You've given me lots of good advice, so now I know where to go when I revise it.

Thanks for pointing out some of the formatting/capitalization issues. I was in something of a transition stage when I wrote it, and was struggling to figure out if I should capitalize such things as "Earth Pony," mostly because "Pegasus" is actually a proper name and looked funny to me in lowercase, but I've since learned that these are usually all in lowercase in Pony fics, so I'll change that throughout.

Thanks especially for the talking head warning and the advice on the synopsis. I think your advice will be especially helpful for the scene with the demons, and for improving the depiction of the relationship between Inkie and her associates. Thanks also for pointing out my love affair with colons and semicolons; I'll go in and reduce their number.

I'll remove the crossover mention from y the synopsis and consider the grimdark tag, as you suggest. I hadn't really thought the content was that dark, but perhaps it's more morbid than I'd realized.

I am planning to introduce more G1 characters later. Do you think there is a correct way to inform readers that this contains G1 stuff, but without scaring them off?
>> No. 106268
>>106178
If the answer to both of those questions is yes, I generally go to bed.
>> No. 106283
>>106258
I'm glad I could be of use.

If it's a true G1 crossover, then you'll probably want to include that in the synopsis, although if you keep it subtle enough you may be able to get away with just the crossover tag.
If you want to mention it, one way to do it might be with just a snippet at the very end mentioning the crossover, something like this one does:
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/03/story-harmony_5100.html
Mentioning it at the end means that most readers will at least read the rest of your synopsis, and they might give it a chance they normally wouldn't if they like the rest of your synopsis.
>> No. 106289
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106289
>>106242
>Twolight
>introspection with comedic overtones
>pic

Psst... >>98618 Rule #4
>> No. 106294
>>106242
I should add (Rule 4!), that I have requested a Minty review of the story. My apologies for the oversight in my initial post.
>> No. 106319
>>105876

Hey um...I looked over your suggestions and I see I'm still making the same mistakes as I was before. Apparently I have no clue about how to go about these things, so any extra help would be appreciated.

Thanks
>> No. 106335
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106335
>>106242
>>106289

Note to maintainers: author and I were in GDoc chat, so feel free to mark this review as acknowledged by author.

Verily!

Since we were in chat, we were able to cover this all in detail, so I'll keep the review post here relatively brief / for the records.

We only covered the Intro, but I really enjoyed it. Twi's science-y stuff; Rarity's somewhat terrifying ability to read other ponies and socially-engineer the situation; Rainbow's, ahem, knowledge of the Daring Do universe... all of the characterizations were solid and enjoyable. Even though the basic premise was spoiled by the synopsis, I was still kept guessing of what exactly was going on for most of the fic (good build-up), and the punchline at the end of the Intro blindsided me in a most delightful manner. Like I said in-doc, the Intro could easily be a stand-alone [Comedy] fic, except that it leaves the one major loose end, which begins Ch1 and the fic proper. So kudos there. The only concern I have is that the Intro was basically pure [Comedy] yet the fic plans to dive into [Sad]. I haven't yet touched the other chapters, so I'm not sure if we're going to hit a sharp genre change as we get into the introspective bits. But I'm pretty confident that you'll have a handle on that transition.

One weakness I just realized, is that some of the scene descriptions were lacking. Places like Carousel Boutique or Twi's Library are forgivable, since everyone knows what those look like. But for instance, I don't think there was any description of the restaurant where AJ and Rarity ate. Some people care about this, so food for thought. I didn't personally, since I was too caught up in their banter and actions, such as Rarity "assaulting the back of Applejack’s menu [with a] world-class pout."

The good news is that all the stuff you nailed—characters, plot, humor—is the hard stuff. That only really leaves the grammar, which is a PITA to clean up I'm going to clean up my earlier chapters, Dublio! I swear!, but comparatively quite easy.

The biggest one was the "run-ons". Some were legitimate run-ons, though most of these have been fixed in-doc already.
>At first, it was so faint Twilight didn’t dare believe it, convinced her mind was tricking her, but when she felt the strain on her growing, wincing in anticipation of the pain that would shoot through her horn, the pain never came.

Rather, most of them were grammatically-legal sentences that just conveyed a bit too much information.
>[It was a] sense which rang as loud as the bell over the door when Twilight entered the spa, trying to seem as though she wasn’t slinking into the bright, fern-filled waiting room.

Especially since you're covering plenty of descriptions and details, there's no harm in taking things a bit slower and breaking separate thoughts into separate sentences; no need to mash everything into a single sentence like I'm so hypocritically doing right now. It's also a matter of mixing together long and short sentences. Too many 3-clause and 4-clause sentences in a row, and your readers will get fatigued.

An occasional yet recurring issue with having multiple speakers in the same paragraph. Mostly happened when one character was saying something, and another character had a reply / addition / snarky comment. Most of these got flagged/fixed.

>Dashes
>Insert joke about Dash clones here
It's really weird because there were practically no emdashes in the first five pages or so. Then all of a sudden, boom. Still, we covered the cases where appropriate (dialogue interruptions, asides where a comma would be insufficient, etc) versus where other marks (commas, usually) would work better.

I just realized that I wasn't really watching for /fic/'s favorite buzzword... that one that starts with an "S" and ends with a "howDon'tTell". Off-hand, I don't recall it being a major issue, but I've already agreed to give the author a second look after he incorporates this round of feedback, so I'll focus on that next time.

We covered book saidisms, seeing as the poor word appeared five times in twenty pages :P

And I think that's basically it. Like I said, GaPJaxie and I will be doing a second round of review (probably outside of TTG) after he's incorporated the general advice, so I'll probably have a chance to dig into the other chapters at that point.
>> No. 106336
I left most of the technical stuff in the google doc, but I'll generalize everything just in case. While your italics use has been toned down to a manageable level, the level to which you use semicolons is a tad worrying. Lessen up on them and you should be fine. Overall, the chapter is... meh. It's not bad per se, just somewhat cliched.

The big thing is the villain. That's the focus of the chapter, and it needs to be addressed in full. He's just there. No explanation, no backstory, he's just there and... he's evil. Really evil. Because you tell us he's evil... and that's bad. I realize that you tried to show the reader he is evil by the over-obvious descriptions, but that's arguably worse than just outright telling. It has to be expressed through his actions and, more importantly, his dialogue. Notice I did not say through sentence tags. You can't just do: "I'll have a soda," he said evilly, to indicate that the character is acting evil. It needs to be apparent in both the syntax and the literal speech.

The last line he says: "Good boy..." is great, I loved it, but you ruin it with the long, over-explained sentence tag.

Now onto the overall style of writing you've chosen. I'd advise you read TTG's "Sithicus Helpicus" over in the Helpful Documentation sentence. It is a great source for helping get over the Talking Head Syndrome infecting the majority of this chapter. You need descriptors and some set building and a thematic environment that lives and breathes with the characters. The chapter is wrought with the simple, uninspired: Fido said this, and then Spot said that. You don't risk much in the line of sensual awareness. In the dark tunnel, is there not the rank, musty stench of dirt and sweaty flesh? Or the continuous scraping of claws as the Diamond Dogs dig ever deeper into the planet's crust? Maybe there's a lantern, flickering precariously above its oil... ever threatening to snuff out and throw the trio into a darkness with such oppressive force that it can only be achieved 600 meters below the surface. It's a good setting, and it needs embellishment where needed to establish the tense tone it deserves.

Onto the characters: They are dead. I'm not certain if they will be returning, or if we're going to see any more of them, but the Diamond Dogs from the very beginning felt like walking body bags, just waiting to be evil creature cannon fodder. This is mainly due to that Talking Head Syndrome I described earlier, remember that? Because the style is shallow, and lack of depth, so do the characters feel shallow and lacking in depth. They feel the same, but only minutely different.

Granted, if we don't see them again, this is acceptable. Bad, but acceptable. The reader will just forget about them and things will move on. However... if they're recurring...

Take example of the Lion King, and their evil trio: the hyena's. Their personalities are, while somewhat generic, are nonetheless alive, enjoyable and, to a degree, diverse. You have the smart/evil one, the dumb/evil one, and the dumb one. This a good rule for any EVIL trio, in my opinion: similarity in difference. These characters are similar in the degree that their intelligence is influenced, and their entire personalities are affected by this change as a result. Therefore, you get three, easily identifiable, yet inseparable villains. Take notes, watch the movie again if you have to, but study these three. Disney does great work, and it should benefit you greatly if you merely observe how their professional team of writers made these seemingly generic villains so memorable.

The villain, I like, but am tenuous about liking him. He needs elaboration, and motive, and a history. You don't have to embellish all these details in the first chapter, but since you introduce him so early, you could tell the reader SOMETHING about him, like who he is at least. Otherwise the reader is only going to remember him as BIG BAD GUY or THE END BOSS (if their more video game minded). I'm running on a tangent now so I'll wrap this up.

The main thing to worry about with this chapter, and with all the others, is this talking head syndrome I'm seeing. In even the best case scenarios, it runs deep, so check over your work and cross check with Sithicus to eradicate. It's not bad, and you've clearly made a lot of improvements to your other post. Still not EqD worthy, but by far not the worst thing ever. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You've made great strides in improving, so keep it up.

Read, write, take notes, observe the masters and break down their own works to gain a better understanding if you need... just keep on going. The story has potential, but it does need some TLC in order to fulfill it. I'm going on holiday, so I won't be able to review any other chapters, but just keep at it and you'll be fine.

See you later!
>> No. 106354
>>106009
I know I'm really late to this party, but I just had to ask:

Does anyone else think it's ironic that we're having this kind of debate in the "Over-Thinking It Edition" of TTG?
>> No. 106357
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106357
>>106354
>Does anyone else think it's ironic that we're having this kind of debate in the "Over-Thinking It Edition" of TTG?
No.
http://www.cracked.com/funny-1085-irony/
>> No. 106360
>>106336

I appreciate the hard work you put into this. When you come back from your holiday, I'd certainly welcome the chance to work with you again, if you'd like. Please, ring me if you're ever interested in picking this back up.

I will also reiterate the promise I made to you during your review. Everything is explained, at least to some degree, eventually, but most of the best plot points come in the end chapters and some of the questions regarding why I had no explanation were made on purpose, to help create intrigue and the desire to know more about him.

Granted, my execution needs work, but I'm really trying.

The villain needing his name a little earlier, a teaser of information if you will, is something I totally agree with upon reflection and I'll do what I must to fix this, as well as try to arrange the dialogue and maybe get rid of some of this blasted telling I seem to struggle with.

I guess it's next round of editing for me. Thank you for your time.
>> No. 106364
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106364
>>106335
Thank you! You were a huge help. The introduction feels solid now, and perhaps more importantly, I feel like I can do a lot of editing on the other chapters myself. Now that I know what to look for, I think my future work will be much improved!

Of course, a second look never hurts. I’ll be poking you through your comments in a day or two. Talk to you soon. ^_^
>> No. 106366
My first actual review. Well, here goes...

I try to sound intelligent for both you and those here on Ponychan (Luna forgive me for the length of this thing.), despite my lack of anything but a rather secondhand education on matters of creative writing.

I’m making this to signal that I’m ending my “proper” review and letting go of your claim so you can be picked up by someone hopefully more capable than I in the future.

However, I’d encourage you to work on this before then because many of the true reviewers here could tear this apart on a first rundown.

Link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hZAVAIsVtjcvThYZRc2oHp0gWdTzWrjvviaGavPdNp0/edit
>> No. 106374
>>106357
... so what's the difference between that and sarcasm? :|
>> No. 106379
>>106374
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony#Verbal_irony_and_sarcasm
>> No. 106392
>>106335
Stand back, I am just about to be brilliant!

Work was slow today, ended up spending the whole afternoon sending grammar problems to the moon. I'm quite curious for your thoughts on the mood in the rest of the story. The transition from Comedy to Sad is interesting, or at least, that was the idea!
>> No. 106397
>>106354
>>106357
>>106374
>>106379
Aaaaaand we are in autosage, ladies and gentlemen, due in part to mindless off-topic posts like these.
>> No. 106398
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106398
This thread be auto-sagin', pony.

>>106392
Sure thing, should have some time today/tomorrow.

>>106357
>>106374
>>106379
By Fluttershy's juicebox, not this again... tl;dr, common usage is everything
http://www.merriam-webster.com/video/0035-ironic.htm
>> No. 106404
File 133954388879.png - (59.15KB , 187x215 , scootawut.png )
106404
>>106397
Dang, it only took three and a half weeks this time. So what now? New thread?
>> No. 106406
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106406
Should I update the information for my fic in the unclaimed requests doc? In the past 2 weeks since I have submitted it for review, I have added a whole lot of new text, so the word count is much higher. Should that matter, or should I just leave it as is?
>> No. 106407
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106407
Whoa talk about a time trip. I just followed the links all the way back to the earliest listed edition... which sadly isn't the original. The earliest listed edition of the training grounds is the POWERTHIRST EDITION >>66097 After that it just 404's.

I came here during the Great and Powerful edition. Props to Trixie for writing that awesome OP.

Yes I saged in autosage
>> No. 106408
>>106406
If you want to change anything in the queue item, make a post saying what needs to be edited, and a maintainer will update the queue.