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103290 No. 103290
#Reviewer #Crossover #Seattle_Lite #Nicknack
Welcome to the meat grinder, the thunderdome, the jungle, the ninth circle of... yadda, yadda, yadda. This is a review thread, and it features two of the oldest and best, in our obviously humble and totally unbiased opinion reviewers on /fic/. We’re happy to help, but you should probably meet us halfway. So, without further ado, have some...

Your post submission should include: Title, Genre Tags, a Synopsis, Word Count, and a Link to the story. We strongly prefer Google Docs. If you give us a picture of words, get fucked Don’t send us pictures of text.

Failure to submit properly will be met with swift retribution. You probably won’t get a review, certainly not from Seattle.

Anything not allowed on Ponychan (gore, porn, all that good stuff) is not allowed to be posted in this thread. If you have something that falls outside of the acceptable content guidelines of Ponychan, you can email it to either of us, but the review will be done in private. If we hate it, we get to let you know without Ponychan mod intervention. Granted, as you’re probably showing us dicks in this scenario, so that’s a fair trade. Any fics involving Snails, a rock, and a hill, need not apply. Ditto for Onyx Origins / Maverick. Vimbert’s only allowed three one-shot submissions a week. Unless it’s Ironfall. And why aren’t you writing that right now?

Stories will be reviewed on a first-come, first-served basis... unless one of us likes you or your story. Within the priority queue, stories will be reviewed by whichever of us gets around to it; if you have a preference as to either Seattle_Lite or Nicknack for a reviewer, say so, and the other won’t take it personally. Less work for him, right?


Seattle: Yeah, neither of us is much the cuddly type, so if you’ve an aversion to acerbic wit, brutal honesty, and critical analysis... well, this may not be the thread for you. I have an intense fondness for Dark-themed stories, but if they aren’t well-executed, I’ll let you know why in excruciating detail. I will not touch anything with a human being in it, and tend to frown on crossovers in general. I have significantly less time available that my colleague here, so I’ll likely take on no more than three fics at a given time.

Nick: You have the right to hear honest feedback about your story, and I have the right to give that honesty. I make no promise to pander to your emotions. If I tell you your story needs work, then that is an indication of a fledgling success, not of failure. I will not lie and tell you a mediocre story is great. I will not seek to destroy your story, either. If you don't think you are able to handle criticism, please do not waste both your time and mine. I also still have the offer to review non-pony original fiction, as I think it’s important not to stick within the confines of this show.
375 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 110256

Oh good my review is in.

>reads it.

... Sigh... excuse me. (Goes to hit head on a rock for 3 hour.)

Alright! As I said to Applejinx, I'm too dumb to quit, so...


Now a small favor if your willing. Could you site an example for the problems you listed. Since I can't seem to recognize them myself, an example would go a long way to helping me understand my mistakes.

If you can't, no problem. I do thank you for taking the time to go over it.

>> No. 110279
He's referring to this: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2654/Snailsyphus
I used to throw it at new review threads from November to March.
>> No. 110283
I should note that I have since spent time going through the chapters with kurbz trying to unstilt the writing in places.
Also, is this in reference to my fic?
>> No. 110302

I'll make a highlight of each occurrence in doc for you.
>> No. 110325
I would very much appreciate it.
>> No. 110327
>You have a straight up anime-style fox-spirit in your story. I cannot tell you how far this throws me.

Okay. Few thing here. I do know that Kitsunes are used in anime a lot, but I was actually trying to draw from the ACTUAL Kitsune legends from Japan. I did research on it, mostly because i was concerned that Kitsunes were an evil spirit. They aren't. All the legends very from being tormenting spirits to helpful ones. More often than not they were portrayed as tricksters. Admittedly, i did take a few liberties with the lore, such as aging and the transformation abilities, but fox fire and illusions actually come from the legend. I really wasn't trying for an anime style fox.

But, whatever. It may be you just don't like foxes and I'm cool with that. Just wanted to clarify where i was pulling the lore from.

>> No. 110394
File 134178886417.jpg - (7.59KB , 300x154 , daysGoBy.jpg )
Plot Synopsis
Big McIntosh is quiet / stoic / not interested in love because he married someone he met at a family reunion and she died giving birth to Apple Bloom.

You're trying to, basically, put an entire relationship's conception, growth, life, and death into ~8k words. While this is doable, you're definitely going to have to make sure you're using every word as efficiently as possible; even still, you're, at the core, trying to summarize a relationship instead of showing it as it unfolds.

Which, there's nothing wrong with that, however, consider the following:

What if you wrote this story without the frames for flashbacks? You'd be losing some overt "spoilers" (i.e., we know in the first page that Big McIntosh's relationship with Autumn isn't going to work out) for some implicit ones (from the show, we know that Big McIntosh is okay with being single), first and foremost. You'd still get to keep your twist near the end about Autumn being Apple Bloom's mother, but you could build into it slower (with hints here and there, like Autumn being good at construction, have Autumn only referred to by full name at their wedding, etc) and then end this story with Big McIntosh holding his daughter, Apple Bloom, and 'looking to the future,' as it were. This option would give you the chance to explore more of Big McIntosh and Autumn's relationship (which was really the strong point of this story) via some scenes and milestones that this story seemed to be lacking / glancing over (but for the love of Frigg, don't be explicit about sex), and if you did it right, you'd also get the emotional weight that something like "a lover of two years (assuming 11-month pregnancy) dying during childbirth" deserves.

But, that's just an idea I had.

Anyway, this story definitely needs some more emotional depth (regardless of how you add it). More scenes, more exploration of this relationship... you need to really hit home with the death of your OC. You had some awkward phrasing in a lot of places throughout this, so try reading it aloud. And finally, you should really have some more scenery and interaction with the scenery. A lot of your scenes took place in interesting places, but it just looked like your characters were superimposed on a green screen, so to say. You weren't completely bad about that last point, but for your story to feel more organic, I'd really recommend adding more interactions with the scenery... and drop "Big Mcintosh throws firewood through a window," that's just obtuse and over-reacting.
>> No. 110403
File 134178990102.png - (21.35KB , 99x126 , Phoning It In.png )
You've still got stilted narration in this, which is a very difficult thing to point out what exactly is wrong. The thing I notice is that you don't vary your sentence or dialogue structures very much, and you've got a lot of walls-of-dialogue that could've been broken up by actions. What I mean is, you've got a lot of "Subject verbed" type sentences, and one after another so they tend to repeat and form a pattern... which, outside of the Fibonacci sequence, perfect patterns don't really feel natural.

I'd recommend reading the Elements of Style and maybe some other books on writing style. While I can't say that I'm really interested in the idea of a Gundam / MLP crossover, that's just my personal preference; if you want to write something, learning more about writing is going to be your best bet.

Review redacted as "This item is in its owner's trash."
>> No. 110404
...380 comments read 0...
thing i have to say....

East Coast is the best!
(you see me running away if like i have stolen candy form a candy shop!)
>> No. 110406
File 134179074176.png - (353.58KB , 973x550 , Why.png )

>MFW it's a choice between what looks like generic shipping, resubmit of "ancient ritual threatens Equestria," and... really damn long adventure story.

I... guess I'll take the first two.
>> No. 110408
File 134179092354.jpg - (31.72KB , 600x400 , Don\'t Smoke Crack.jpg )
And that brings me to my next point: Don't smoke crack.
>> No. 110409

Hmm... you bring up some excellet points. Now that I think of it, cutting out Big Mac and AB's interactions would really add to the weight of the story. Maybe just an introductory scene where Apple Bloom follows Big Mac out of the house late at night? Then, I could bring the flashbacks in, exploring the most significant points in their relationship, leading up to AB's birth. The last scene could be at the top of hill where Autumn is buried. Big Mac finds AB hiding up there and finally tells her the truth.

Thank you, by the way.
>> No. 110434
File 134179765053.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
Synopsis: Twilight starts coaching Rainbow Dash, and that turns romantic somehow.

Critiques: Prereader 12 is right, this story doesn't really have a sense of flair. And by that, I think he was trying to say that this is pretty cliche and doesn't really add anything new to the table that hasn't already been done in various other Twilight / Rainbow Dash stories. But, I'm not trying to put my less-polite words into PR-12's mouth, so I'll avoid conjecture and stick to my review of this story.

Stylistically, you've got a lot of stilted sentences that don't flow into one another in a very natural-sounding manner. For example,
>It was just a little more. Just a little more and she would break the barrier. She had tried every day for the last month to perform this trick. But this time was the time she would succeed, she told herself.
I'd personally go with:
>Dash pushed harder, egging herself on. Just a little more... After trying every day for the past month, today was the day she was finally going to succeed.

That's two-and-a-half sentences (direct thoughts and dialogue don't have to be complete sentences), down from four, and it portrays the same idea of Dash pushing herself harder to try a trick after a month's worth of practice.

Also, be very wary of starting sentences with the same "pronoun verbed" structure, especially in the same paragraph and especially when they're back-to-back sentences.

Moving on, you should also be wary of putting dialogue back-to-back without any character actions. Actions can say more about an interaction than the dialogue. For example,

"Did you pick up that gift for your wife?"
"Yeah, she's going to love it."

compare to

Marcus turned the ignition, and the car purred to life. "Did you pick up that gift for your wife?"
"Yeah." Steven pulled the nine-millimeter out of his jacket and cocked it. "She's going to love it."

So yes. Fun with gangsters aside, you're missing a huge opportunity to augment dialogue with emotions every time you don't pair an action with it. Now, granted, don't oversaturate dialogue with actions, and work on writing emotions and such in a rich, varied style, but as it is, right now, you're too far on the "not enough" side of the scale.

Moving on, and finally my biggest concern for this story: I'm not exactly sure where their romance is coming from. Like, it happens, on page 4 or 5, where Dash has a Freudian slip or something, but up to that point, there was nothing hinting at romantic interest. Not a hint, nothing beyond "friendship." In a story that's limited to following one of the main characters (especially in emotions and perception), this is unacceptable.

In closing, I'm really not sure what to tell you about EQD. You've got work cut out for you to polish this up into a "well-written but cliche" story of Twilight Sparkle / Rainbow Dash's romance, but even after all these fics, you're going to have to think of some way to try and set yourself apart from the pack. But that's more "for getting onto EQD," which, believe it or not, has more requirements than the story being good—it's got to be more or less original, too. And shipping tends to get hit the hardest, as there's only like thirty different combinations of the main six.
>> No. 110445
File 134179864722.jpg - (43.66KB , 500x375 , wolfhand.jpg )
You now have a comment highlighting a single instance of each of your systemic errors. Now search and destroy. Be sure to look at the Editors Omnibus though, for you have several degrees of dialogue tagging mistakes, not just the one i noted in doc. As for the homophone confusion, that'd require me to read through the thing in its entirety again to find them. You're on your own there.

>It may be you just don't like foxes and I'm cool with that.
>pic related
Nope, I have no problem with fox demons at all. It just came as a surprise in a pone fic. I paid more attn to him in my second skim, and I can say he lends a quirky personality to the story.
Cheers man, sorry to be so brief. So much pone an all that.
>> No. 110447
I just want to ask: is it alright to say "it'll be explained later" in this situation? I'm trying to keep my explanations throughout the story, holding secrets back and introducing them when it's natural.
>> No. 110454
In Want of a Nail can be a very engaging device, but it's an extremely tricky one. You have to at once keep the reader hooked by the intrigue while giving them enough information not to rage-quit as you take them along for the ride.
Not like I'd know anything about that, of course

So yes, if you can pull it off.
>> No. 110457
File 134180110315.jpg - (48.54KB , 500x533 , 134091691972.jpg )
Thank you. I will use the knowledge you have given me to seek out and eradicate the enemy.

Also... Isn't that Holo... From Spice and Wolf... as in she's a wolf... I can't tell if sarcastic or not... Eh, just call me stupid.
>> No. 110458
The beginning has been problematic since forever, but it does not stay cliche for long. My original intention was to have a cutesy friend-shipping that develops into a crush, in order to make what happens in chapter 5 a bit more jarring.

In chapter 4 Rainbow Dash comes to the conclusion she has to tell Twilight somehow, and she sets up a "date that's not a date" where they go stargazing together. There, at a moment that feels appropriate, she comes out and kisses Twilight.

I wanted a four-and-a-half chapter build up to Twilight turning her down. Harshly. (Her overreaction stems from her dislike of unpredictable things and a general confusion about how to handle such things). From there, the inevitable make-up happens, and Twilight decides to give it a try and see where it goes.

Dash goes to perform in cloudsdale, and two things happen.

1) A love triangle begins between Spitfire and Dash, and Twilight and Dash
2) Twilight and Rainbow Dash's relationship proves to be quite unstable.

The idea is that from chapter 5 onwards things become a trainwreck/rollercoaster. And I've never figured out how to do this without having a slow, generic shipping build up to it.

I'll try to address the points you gave me about where my writing style could be improved, and how the buildup can be improved. Thanks for the review!
>> No. 110459
err, also, this had originality back when I started writing it last november. The pairing was practically non-existant, and only one story with the pairing was on EqD. (That was during the times of appledash)
>> No. 110472
You should probably tone down the "I'm blushing because I just said something accidentally gay" thing, then, as that's not really where the story's at in chapter one.
>> No. 110475
File 134180355648.png - (383.90KB , 981x472 , 0KACw.png )
And so it is that the West Coast / East Coast review thread draws to a close, taking its place in the halls of its fathers in /fic/ Valhalla.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure. We are now but a few posts away from autosage, and as such, we will be accepting one more submission each before closing the queue.

First come, first serve folks.
Unless of course half dozen people throw stories at us, in which case we’ll take our pick.

Best regards /fic/
Always keep writing.
>> No. 110476
So you two leaving /fic/?
>> No. 110477
File 134180406467.png - (181.94KB , 376x739 , 133956258842.png )
If I'd had time to fix what you pointed out in mine, I'd surely send it in, but alas, I have not had the time. I'll be watching and waiting if you make another thread, you two truly are the two best reviewers I've ever seen on here. Thanks for all the help ponies.
>> No. 110482

If only I had something to share. Maybe I can finish fixing something tonight.
>> No. 110485
File 134180617089.jpg - (197.36KB , 1200x720 , 67966 - artist-KP-ShadowSquirrel chalk horn Octavia wings.jpg )
Tags: None ([Slice of Life]?)

Synopsis: Green has dreamt of flying since foalhood. For months she's toiled away at building a glider, and now it's time for a test run.

Word Count: 4281
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AbpKRfS805-qp6FZPLFflzxS6UafhRAVq6dfhVWyTVE/edit
(I can also link a PDF if you'd prefer, though that seems unlikely.)
>> No. 110497
File 134180878376.jpg - (428.83KB , 2370x3386 , 66503 - artist%3Alightchaol fluttershy sweater.jpg )
Title : The boy who found the moon
Tags : Romance, Adventure, Human
Current word count : 1,338

Google docs : ttp://tinyurl.com/6slonz9
>> No. 110498
>> No. 110503
File 134180975100.png - (135.16KB , 322x337 , Neat.png )
Plot Synopsis: There's some sort of evil spell that Celestia sealed in time, the Elements of Harmony can fix it, but in the meantime, they're getting guards assigned to each of them.

You didn't have many issues with a hook this time, and I found it a lot easier to get into.

However, what I got into I found was fairly slow-paced. It took you a few thousand words to even get to the premise of the overarching plot (the EoH fixing the timey magic thing), which I could've given you a pass on, but the reason for waiting so long? A tickle fight, bitching about education standards, and lunch with an older brother.

Now, the lunch with Shining Armor (don't abbreviate) is somewhat important, as it establishes some sub-conflict that's related to the crisis at hand—the main six getting bodyguards because they're important to saving the world at some time in the future. I also like the plot device of a "time lock" on some sort of spell that's going to wreak havoc... I don't read many stories about scheduled emergencies where there seems like an adequate time to prepare.

So what I'm saying is, basically, think about the plot and the direction this story is going in. Then look back and reevaluate each scene, especially in the beginning chapters (as those are where you need to sell yourself the hardest to the average reader), and identify the important part of each scene. If there's nothing that the scene does for the plot, omit it. If you can combine scenes, do so; for example, my improvements to chapter one would be:

-Start at lunch with Twilight and Shining Armor
-Shining Armor goes to report to Celestia, stuff about the impending catastrophe
-Twilight muses about "oh, these guards are such bullshit," pointedly and blissfully unaware of the Hell her world is about to become.

The stuff with Twilight's research could come up in lunch (and it actually did), and the stuff with that one no-name guard interrupting the sisters' tickle fight was... probably not how you want to set the tone of this story.

Still, nice improvements so far, this story really seems to be coming together.
>> No. 110504
File 134180988775.gif - (67.08KB , 400x266 , Auto-Saging.gif )
>Ja, vot are you sinking about?
>> No. 110509
File 134181140308.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
Plot Synopsis: Humans come out of nowhere, technology sweeps through Equestria, and Luna turns into a gaming nerd.

I really don't know where to start.

Grammatically, you've got some errors here and there: "that allowed pony's to travel" was the one that stuck out. On a related note, I'm not sure how correct it is to capitalize "Humans" and "Ponies," but you should keep the race-capitalization consistent, at the very least.

Next, I've got several issues with the logic behind some of the plot. For example, Ponies are mildly ethnocentric and "did not answer quietly" to Humans' appearance, yet they seem to completely and globally accept human advancements. This is apparent in "saying" only, and is never really demonstrated when any of the humans interact with ponies (which is one scene, but still).

Next, I don't know who the fuck "Steven" is, but I hate him. It's a human in Equestria story, sure, but we've now got the ostracized telekinetic computer genius who's here to save Luna from her computer problem which is surely something involving optimizing an algorithm or maybe even something with artificial intelligence...

Nope, she's addicted to computer games.

First and foremost, that's just a bullshit premise. Like, she's responsible for the livelihood of Equestria, I don't see her shirking that to be a basement-dwelling neckbeard (who rarely have any obligations other than their minimum-wage jobs, if they even leave the house, which is how Internet addictions start). But add in the fact that Celestia would go to Humans for aid over, say, a psychiatrist (ponies have psychiatrists, or at least, Twilight likes to dress up and play doctor with Rainbow Dash like one). OR, even, since, you know, Celestia's kind of a motherly figure to Luna, she could just melt the computer to slag (SUN god, anyone?) and say, "You've got a life, Luna. Like, me Damn, seriously."

So I don't like your Mary Sue human, his additions to the story are illogical and strained at best, and the contradiction leading up to the conflict makes me sincerely question this story on a very basic, elementary level.
>> No. 110527
Is my story gonna get reviewed before complete closeout? o:
>> No. 110538
Seattle's got feedback on >>110230 and >>110485 in the tube; he just had something IRL to occupy his time with last night.
>> No. 110546
Oh, not a problem, and completely understandable.
Thanks ^^
>> No. 110563
File 134186262337.png - (95.50KB , 394x449 , 133877459376.png )
Quick and dirty before this threads drops off page one. Steam of consciousness follows. Yay.

fully-grown // As a rule, do not compound words that end in ly

Numerals, spell them out.

>…! / ….
1) Do not add punctuation after ellipses. Ellipses ARE punctuation, and one can not trail off in an exclamatory way.
2)) Three marks, no more, no less
3) Plus extreme overuse of ellipses in general.

Your bad ass dragon’s name is… Cecil? That’s a bit underwhelming mate.

Awkward phrasing // surprised by his presence just as much as Celestia was.

Dialogue tagging mistakes everywhere.

You need to italicize direct thoughts, and make sure you structure the paragraphs so they’re properly attributed to the character in question. You miss this a few times.

Em dash/Hyphen confusion

Hell of a lot of Telling. One prime example-
>the voice said as if it were an old man.

The device you seem to be using regarding the Elements, their role, and function in trapping the dragon and then being instrumental in hatching Spike feels incredibly weak.

Stilted narration // Lots of ‘this happened, then that happened’

Imbed your ‘next chapter’ links. It’s much cleaner.

Mate, all of the above was found in chapter one alone. I have a thing about grammatical issues being so glaring that I canna even get around to thinking on theme or concept. Given how many words you’ve already written total, you are going to need to do A LOT of work, from the ground up to address your systemic mistakes. If the PROLOGUE renders so many issues, I’m not going to force myself through the subsequent 40 thousand words.

Cheers Streak, keep writing.
>> No. 110576
File 134186797330.png - (245.28KB , 900x654 , today__s_a_day_for_awesome_by_tess_27-d3wpldq.png )
>link a PDF
Very amusing.

Your OC in the pic looks like Octavia btw.

Ok, here we go—

>clifftop overarching the apple orchard
‘overlooking’ would be a better choice, as it’s more reflective of your characters PoV

>the sky
>its clear, blue greatness
This is unnecessarily purple. An kind of fails if you’re trying to impart her feelings as she looks upward.

>soaring through it like a pegasus.
Too straightforward imo. A line about the pure freedom of flight would suite better.

>a vigilant gait
this is awkward. need a different word that fits better

>She opened her eyes and saw herself sail across the endless apple forest.
Is there a mirror attached to the glider? Then no she didn’t… hmm. Coming up with an alternative that maintains tense is hard, so I give up.

>A spoke in the glider bent under the pressure. Its wings collapsed, and the entire structure fell apart, throwing her into a harrowing descent.
I’d like you to break this up. Intersperse between each of the actions above her REactions to them. That’d be awesome.

>half trying to find some way to soften the fall
How? Show me.

>“Urgh.” She writhed about
Just segue her moaning into the narration. Much smootherer.

>“You sure crashed
flow better without the ‘sure’

>But her body wouldn’t give

How old is Green? I canna tell from the narrative.

>Mrs Apple
No relation, I’m sure.

>notsupposed to fly.”

>growing tearier with each word.
awkward phrasing

double darp

I don’t think this is a proper segue into dialogue

>Can anyone tell me the three types of ponies?
what is this, pre-school?

Your joke about unicorns doing magic with their horns. I don’t get it. Where is the funny?

Filly Roseluck. This is confusing time-line things, when you clearly set this after Luna is back. Might wanna consider changing the name to avoid confusion.

>She nodded and saluted him. “Roger!”

Your biggest issue is getting emotional tone to communicate smoothly through narration.

>Yes, mum
Capitalize proper address

>The next week, the shack door
This is a bit of an abrupt transition, and the implications could be a lot more clear.

>It’s for your his own good

>“Somebody stop her!” she tried.
Yes, but how HARD did she try?

Aww, she got her mark. Great culmination, though to be honest, I think it would have been stronger if you ended after she gets her mark, still in the air. Nice one shot Rodg! I’m pleased to have had this as my final review. Cheers mate, keep writing!
>> No. 110580

>> No. 110664
File 134189516040.jpg - (74.41KB , 640x480 , _4xd.jpg )
Thanks for the review, man.

I've changed up most of the sentences/areas you pointed out, though I can't agree on cutting the story once she reaches the peak. I mean, that just feels like a dick move to leave the ending open ended, especially when all signs point towards a splat ending. Closure is nice.

>Filly Roseluck. This is confusing time-line things, when you clearly set this after Luna is back. Might wanna consider changing the name to avoid confusion.
Was just a random name. I didn't even know that another pony had that name when writing it, and looking it up there only seems to be a "Rose" in canon anyway. Shrug. Someone else pointed it out too, and I just thought "Well, it's not like ponies can't share names. There's more than one John in the world."

I'll change it since it's totally insignificant, though. No point making problems where they needn't be.

>Your joke about unicorns doing magic with their horns. I don’t get it. Where is the funny?
They have dicks on their heads. Schoolboy humour. Heh.
>> No. 110665
The item in in the trash because I posted a revised version that had worked on fixing things others have told me are wrong.

Thanks for the opinions and help however I'll work on them once I get my friends to look over them
>> No. 110671
>> No. 110770
File 134202171992.png - (596.88KB , 1880x948 , em_pony__rainbow_dash_vs__lyra_by_isegrim87-d53tgw0.png )
Aha, finally, I'm back! It’s been a while. I hope you didn’t forget about me. I would’ve forgotten about me.

Ok, response time…

What, no in doc comments?

Wow. How is this my writing? It’s weird, looking at this again after your review. I realize now just how bad it really is. I know I have a problem of being a little bit wordy in my writing, but this…

The thing about floof and me is, I generally try to include more context in a first draft than is necessary. I always tell myself that I can go back later and take out what’s unnecessary. What I fail to realize is that I’m horrible with deciding what’s needed and what’s not. The last time I did a full sweep of it, I only managed to delete 300 words. I’m fully aware that this fic needs to go on a major diet, but it’s having trouble letting go of its old habits. Looking at it with a fresh set of eyes is helping, but I’m still hesitant to hit the delete button for some things, and that clouds my judgment. Any advice on how I can decide what I should keep and what I shouldn’t?

On that note, are there any scenes of my story that you think I could/should cut out? I was thinking about the part in the middle when Applejack and Rarity are talking while Twilight is getting her books. I initially did it for some simple and fun character interactions, but I’m not really sure if it’s 100% necessary.

I’m assuming the pacing issue is a result of all the extra words. And that, in turn, the extra words are a result of the boring exposition I include, which is what I need to get rid of. Once that gets cleared up, it’ll hopefully read better.

>without describing the fit
Would you kindly turn your attention to this:
>fitted very loosely to his form
Or is that not descriptive enough? Judging from the other things you’ve said, I probably shouldn’t spend an entire paragraph describing his robe, eh?

>Generally, you suck at commas
I know, I know. You’re only the thirtieth person to tell me that. I’m hoping I’ll be able to address that problem more clearly when I’ve reduced the length and clunkiness.

I am appalled at the number of simple grammatical mistakes that slipped past my view. Very unprofessional of me. I have a feeling that most of the unfinished sentences are a result of my attempts to go back and edit parts I didn’t like, and then forgot to actually put something new in. You read it so many times and tend to miss those kinds of things.

>Conjunctions at the beginning of sentences
Ah, this again. I really need to watch myself with that, it seems that the more I write, the more I want to just plop in a conjunction at the beginning of sentences wherever I can.

>when you allude earlier that she had already visited?
If I did do that, I didn’t mean to. This was supposed to be a first time, hence her excitement.

What’s wrong with AJ’s accent? That was one of the few things I thought I’d done right.

As of the moment, that’s everything I can think of that I have a question/gripe about. I made most of the other changes you suggested. Thanks again for this.
>> No. 110870
>>Numerals, spell them out
What do you mean? I went through and couldn't find any numbers that weren't spelled out...

-What's wrong with Cecil? o-o

>>Dialogue tagging mistakes everywhere.
What do you mean? Elaborate please? D:

>>Em dash/Hyphen confusion
I don't get this either...

>>The device you seem to be using regarding the Elements, their role, and function in trapping the dragon and then being instrumental in hatching Spike feels incredibly weak.
How does it feel weak? And... how can I make it feel stronger?
I do not understand...
>> No. 129861
Seattle? You out there?

Last edited at Sun, Mar 9th, 2014 21:16

>> No. 129865
Not here, but he does seem to visit his fimfiction account.
>> No. 129898
That's a gross lie and fabrication. Some griffon asshole hacked my account, that's all.

Dear god, how is thread alive. Who is responsible for this horror, and to what end? Oh calamity and woe.
>> No. 129900
As dead as this board is, we might as well re-open this. Not like anyone posts stories for review anyway.
>> No. 129902
File 139494269601.png - (271.91KB , 796x1004 , 138854418242.png )
Autosage should be removed
>> No. 129914
File 139500501476.png - (350.38KB , 1366x768 , what the fuck am I reading.png )
>> No. 131210
File 141627815032.gif - (942.04KB , 636x357 , 18k3u6rjqh2fggif.gif )

>mfw I actually made this post
>> No. 132174
Well, hello there. This is Ingrid Kostron, the person who created the image your using to advertise your work on google docs. Please be advised that the image is copyright, I own it and you are using it without permission.
>> No. 132175
File 142887928476.jpg - (2.43KB , 107x80 , images (8).jpg )

Before we get down to business, let me first say welcome to Ponychan; grab your imaginary muffin, pull up a leather recliner, and enjoy the reading. It isn't often we have non-fans here (I will admit to full assumption here. Do feel free to correct me if I am mistaken), so I am admittedly curious as to why you are here and why you even care.

Has him using the image negatively impacted your business? Has he smeared your name amongst all equine-based artists, turning you into a laughing stock no-one can take seriously?

This line of questioning comes about because, I am assuming (again, correct me if I am mistaken) you must have googled your own name or someone you know has googled your name and cared enough to notice the few MLP based images scattered amongst all the others. Which, to be fair, considering you draw horses for a living, seems should be expected given the current state of the internet right now with us low-brows cluttering up everywhere with the stuff. We even crowd into non-horse related material. We are truly a plague society has not dreamed possible since the Bubonic era.

So, if only to satiate my boredom and admitted curiosity, might I ask why you felt compelled to warn someone who makes no money from your work and, indeed, without whom I would have never even known of your existence, against using your drawing of a horse-skull to make what may be nothing more than a temporary thumbnail to a fictional story that will possibly see no more than a few thousand readers at absolute most?

WB, one of many low-brow schmucks on the internet.

P.S. I'm sort of glad you showed up because now it allows me to ask a question of the board that's been eating at me forever.

Should I be dreading some inevitable call from Warner Brothers? I admit that'd be kind of interesting to see, though god-forbid we go to court over it. I do not think the world is ready for that degree of comedy.
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