New review thread? Hell yeah! Time to pull out the--
>Any fics involving Snails, a rock, and a hill, need not apply.
God dammit.

Well, at least I have an another story to submit.

Title: Beyond the Wall
Tags: [Dark] or [Sad] or [Slice of Life]; I cannot tell which.
Synopsis: My name is Whisperleaf, and I'm a good pony. I don't go into the forest around our village because that's where the forest monsters live.
Word Count: 5380
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15nAK4_FvTVhx9009fMe9UYJ8GAyEx4BjHZpf8XLzuxc/edit

>>103292
>Huh, I guess we have to claim in this, don't we?

>>103292
Plot Summary: It's The Village, except slightly different at the end. Definitely [Dark] other than [Sad], and [Slice of Life] isn't even possible.

Critiques:
You point out my grammar problems, so it's no surprise that this was pretty well-polished on a technical standpoint. It's actually a shining example of "why you can break some rules," as the comma splices and stuff help it feel more authentic.

Plot-wise, there's not much here (but simple != bad). My first major complaint is that Whisperleaf says "This was my first time hearing about my sister" after Fairy Dust explains, but didn't she overhear some of the older villagers talking to her mother about "her other child?"

My second major complaint is that you don't really give a coherent line of actions near the climax. Basically, it's two fillies near a hole in the wall, and one runs away. You don't really say why Whisperleaf runs, meaning, "what is her motive/who is she running to?" More importantly, though, why would Fairy Dust follow her? I like the "cut to death," as it's basically showing a very cheap and needless death (as is the case in most cult-related deaths), but I think you could've done a little more to connect the peak of the action to the final scene.

Like, a sentence will do.


So, yes. I enjoyed this. It's a decent take on an old idea, at the very least. I don't know what you can do about parallels with The Village other than to scrap and rewrite this, so I'll say that I liked this take on the idea slightly more, as it didn't end up with a scene right out of South Park. CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!!

Title: Gravity's Rainboom: Postmodernism is Magic

Tags: [Human] [Slice of Life] [Adventure] [Random]

Synopsis: Like all ‘bronies’ you’ve no doubt suffered countless sleepless nights and spent hours brooding over a rainy window wondering what would happen if famed postmodern writer Thomas Pynchon was somehow teleported to Equestria. Despair no longer for at last we have a fic that covers just that. Follow Pynchon as he tries to get home and ends up embroiled in a convoluted conspiracy that goes all the way to the top. A satire of the human in Equestria genre that has all the subtly of a hydrogen bomb. Oh and did I mention its pretentious, like really really pretentious. Have fun.

Word count:7505

Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9IaGadT6rw9M3RjTHdtZlAySmc/edit

Hey, sorry about that monstrous length, feel free to just skim it. I would like Nick to review this since Seattle doesn't realize how awesome HiE an be. I need help with basically everything, I want to edit it down so it isn't so...shitty but I need help. Please be absolutely brutal and cruel, I want to feel terrible about my story after you're through with it.

This thread is awesome and I will definitely be making use of it at some point.

>>103290
>implying I can crank out three one-shots a week
wat

>>103308
I'm feeling compelled to attempt writing again just to make use of it. I've fallen pretty far in terms of skill, but I know that when I have something to submit, I'll be ready for the ensuing brutality.

Oh, sweet, I guess I'll submit my-

>Nothing involving Snails

>Nothing involving humans

Goddammit. Uh, maybe the next story, then...

>>103302
> it didn't end up with a scene right out of South Park
GODDAMN MONGORIANS!!!

>>103305
Plot summary:
<insert generic brony-in-Equestria plot>. Except this tries to be self-aware.


Critiques
First off, your formatting is borderline atrocious. You're overly-fond of tildes, and you don't really break up portions of this that ought to get broken up. Chapter titles are treated as if they were any other paragraph, there's no real distinction between section breaks and perspective breaks, and all in all, this looks like you're trying to save space in an electronic document.

Stop it.

Give at least a page break between chapters, if you're not going to split them up across several documents.

Also, at around chapter one, your paragraph separators start to die. Generally, I prefer a double line break between paragraphs, but the standard is at least a tab indent. You did neither of these things, resulting in very large blocks of text.

And what does "Beyond the (Lesson) Zero: or In the (My Little) Zone(y): Or Welcome to Equestria" even mean? There's a lot of "Ors" in there, but I'm not entirely sure if this chapter had three mildly confusing (parentheses killed it) titles or one really confusing one.

Next, the quotes at the beginning of each chapter are really just distracting. I mean, at best, critiques and such like that are going to come off as pretentious and artsy, but that's going to be if you can relate them to the story at hand. I couldn't really make it past chapter one on this, but really, the quotes from Gravity's Rainbow feel out of place because... well... that book was good, and it made criticisms of society.

Which brings me to my main critique of this story: it's banal. Trite. Hackneyed. Cliche. Done to death.

You start out with a famous author-turned-brony, writing a fanfiction, getting rejected, then he gets struck by lightning while out walking on planning how to write a Human in Equestria story, and then he... wakes up as a human in Equestria. Bonus points if you're trying to do the "he actually died" ending, but this story starts so cliche, very few people are going to follow along until the end to see if that's what you were doing.

This story reminds me of Family Guy making fun of its own bad-ness. That doesn't make Family Guy and less bad, it just serves as a harrowing reminder that the writers and producers are aware of the problems, yet choose to do nothing about them.

Now, you do make a few quips about "standards being high in the fanfiction community," but you play them completely straight and, given the relative quality of this fic, it comes off as whiny. Here you are, with a mediocre fic, saying, "Fimfiction.net's standards are too high, they'd even knock Thomas Pynchon if he wrote something!" when, really, the community in-story (and right here) was rejecting his story because the grammar (of the sub-story) was off and the wordy, pausing style made it difficult to discern the action without really adding any artistic value.

And yes, I just reviewed a story within a story. But no, your satire of the fandom falls flat because you're basically taking a "victimized" voice and running with it, whereas anyone with half a brain is going to see, "Oh, this story's got a lot of issues."

As for "Love and Tolerance" not being applicable to stories, it's a bullshit sentiment in the first place that leads to hugboxing.

Anyway, your commentary falls even more flat when a famous, talented author is evaluating the "Human in Equestria" genre and he... completely misses the point of what people hate about it. "I'll use a college student,because a scientist or military guy would be cliche."

A professional author would not only deal with criticism in the first place a lot better than your portrayal of Pynchon, but he'd both understand his audience and write for it in the first place, so that he probably wouldn't have to sit and sulk that a bunch of teenagers knocked his (admittedly half-baked, drunkenly-written) story.

Next up, I dislike your narrative voice. It's supposed to follow the musings of a 64-year-old man also: spell out numbers when you're writing prose, yet they seem to be... quite youthful and unrefined (given that Pynchon is a famous author).

All in all, this almost feels like you're writing Pynchon how you want Pynchon to be. Which is both insulting to Pynchon and, sadly, another pitfall of Human In Equestria stories (warping characters to fit your own desires, a.k.a., wish fulfillment).

And then, after getting this far into the story, you managed to pull this one: In what should be a self-aware, deconstructive critique of Human in Equestria and the fandom at whole, you have Twilight Mess Up A Spell in order to summon Thomas Pynchon to Equestria.

And then, a self-proclaimed Brony doesn't recognize Twilight Sparkle when, by your descriptions, her proportions have been altered from a normal horse to fit the deer-like form of the G4 My Little Ponies.

That's where I called bullshit for the umpteenth time and just gave up on this story. Frankly, I don't know if you're writing this as a satire (and failing: you need to SUBVERT cliches, not use them all) or trying to write a "Human in Equestria" story, but this really doesn't bring anything new to the table. If you want to work on it to make it good for yourself, splendid; I've given you some fair critiques in this thread already, so you can address those if you want to improve this for the sake of improvement. For the sake of others' enjoyment, though, you really need to think about what direction you want to take this piece of literature in, and then work at going there better. Do you want a satire? Point out the bullshit in a skillful manner. Do you want an adventure plot? Tone down the whining about the fandom, and perhaps use something different than a human for a protagonist (a Diamond Dog gets teleported into Equestria, doesn't know where his home is on a globe, so he has to set out).

That's all I've got. I wish you good luck on future endeavors, but I'm not entirely sure about how successful this piece can or will ever be.

I'd love to be proven wrong, though.

>>103348
For the record, Snails stuff is allowed; that was just about one story that's been apparently passed around to all of the other reviewers.

And humans are too, but I'll probably get them instead of Seattle (unless you ask him; he's probably cool enough with you where he'd consider it).

>>103375
Hey, thanks so much for the review, I really appreciate it. Looks like I've got some work to do.

Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake the Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his way into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the blood begins to spill, it's up to the Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

Word Count: 13,200 between 4 chapters.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit

Be aware, I've posted this in TTG. I'm trying to get as many eyes on as I can. I submitted to EqD, and while I've fixed the grammar mistakes they noted, the one thing they complained the prologue takes place solely on Earth. I claim this is a subjective criticism, as many stories have openings that take place elsewhere. Plus, every chapter afterwards takes place in Equestria, and, if I may toot my own horn for a bit, I think the opening is strong enough to make people keep reading. They also suggested that I fix this by combining the prologue and chapter one, but I think it would kill the flow of the story.

Be warned, Seattle, it's HiE.

Pic because Best Pony singing Best Band is Best Thing.

Putting in a request for a review.

Title: Smiling Flowers, Chapter 1
Genre Tags: [Normal], [Slice-Of-Life], [A Bit Sad]
Synopsis: A Cutie Mark is meant to represent the personality and special talent of each pony that has one. Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and their smiles are the cheer she brings. At least...that's what she tells everypony who asks. But after a horrible day at school shakes Cheerilee's confidence, she's forced to confront a question that has plagued her whole life...does a Cutie Mark determine a pony's true destiny?
Word Count: 8,208
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VjNVp9mkC2i0ZIuW3WrnmO0Gb0W55ASAgAN6DiYHRQY/edit

SOME NOTES: So this is Chapter 1 of my 3-4 chapter fic, my first attempt at an MLP fanfic. But what is more important is something I have to tell you guys - you are the Last Line Of Defense for this fic.

It has been seen by 3 other reviewers so far over the past 2 months, who have all given me great advice. Each time, the story has gone through some revisions. And now, I'm quite happy with where it is, and I feel like I'm almost ready to post it. I just want to get one more set of eyes on it and send it through one more set of edits before it gets to FIMFiction, and submitted to EQD. So basically, unless your comments are along the line of "This is the worst thing ever and you should be ashamed", once I make the edits that you guys suggest, this will be posted for the public (so far, the only people to see it are here on /fic/.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to seeing your thoughts!

>>103292
Filler, I left some comments in the doc along with Nick, but he got to the actual review faster than I did. sneaky bugger
Regardless, I quite enjoyed it, well done mate.

>>103384
I got this one Nick. Have fun with the human fic.

I have an old, non-pony story of mine that I would be interested in getting an opinion on. I don’t think I have a particularly good grasp on analysing my own writing, so I’m interested in getting another opinion on it. I have a decent list of criticisms, but I’m not sure if they are valid, nitpicking, or completely off-base and I’ve been leaving it close to the way it is because it got a very strong positive reception from others even though I didn’t think it was particularly strong. Feel free to omit stuff if you think there’s something that “I should know already.” On that note, I’ve made a short list of general “criticisms” about the story. I’d appreciate it if you read over the story and at least made an outline of recommendations before looking at it, so that it doesn’t contaminate your judgement and make you see things that aren’t there. At the same time, I don’t want you to waste your time, so once you have a list of what you want to mention, feel free to check and avoid wasting your time giving an explanation about what I’ve already listed.
There’s no particular deadline, so feel free to just get around to it when you feel like it. I'm assuming this is Nick's cup of tea, but either of you are welcome to it.

Title: Rogsby

Genre: Somewhere around Sad or Dark, Non-Pony

Synopsis: Mr. Ranges, a construction, reflects on and retells the story of how he met Rogsby and how this meeting changed his life forever.

Wordcount: 5518

Here’s the link to the story:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/15RU7uykg9vOdPYCDlQ1JqN7C-Aqljy12c4RfdVmqB7o/edit

Here’s the link to the criticisms:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t_cszzPKEekoRayeAdaSLu8_laQrNFBvBYl2Zyv6W1Q/edit

>>103383
Review for this is mostly done, I'll be posting it tomorrow. It's not the greatest news in the world, so brace yourself, I guess.

>>103414
And I'll review this tomorrow, as I'm not sure if Arizona_Lite even does non-pony stories.

>>103384

Well Brian, you wanted a Last Line, and so you got it. The following are pretty major issues I have with your story.

As a personal note, I absolutely despise the colored, huge text of a title.

The bulk of the specific notations are in-doc.

Now, for Systemic Flaws-
Ellipses… There is always a space after them… You also use them… far too heavily.
Considerable adjective repetition.
You seem to have an entrenched phobia of pronouns.
When describing an individual’s emotions, “across x’s face” need not be applied every time.
Learn the difference and applications for M dashes and hyphens.
Narration tends to be flat - He did this. She said that, and that’s how it happened.
Narrative sentences should NOT begin with conjunctions.
Pacing is incredibly slow.


I’m not really feeling the psychological impact you’re trying to impart. At more than halfway through, you’ve had three “major” events in the story, and all of them are revolved around displacing Cheerilie’s self-worth. The issue is that you’re insistent on merely alluding to what the crux of the matter is, despite the fact that it was painfully obvious after the first instance.

One issue is that you’re going for the cutie mark coercion theme here, but Cheerilie’s CM is so abstract that’s the theme is a hard sell. Thinking about it, most ponies CM’s are such—not a definitive, but a more general indication of a predilection. Applejack’s is really the only one that comes to mind as being restrictive in any sense, and that’s mostly due to the heavy traditions of her family.

And suddenly cue Twilight and a predictable therapy session.

Okay, so C’s ‘special talent’ isn’t teaching. Fucking woop. It is utterly lost on me why this should be a matter of such imposed trauma and internal conflict. She’s growing a unique garden, and she’s a damned good teacher. I guess what the heart of the issue for me is that you’re trying to nail down a pony’s predilection as though it’s her only option, and to stray beyond it is some manner of sacrilege. I just don’t see such a narrow scope as an adequate device for the pathos you’re attempting to create here. Take Pinkie as an example. Her CM indicates parties. Yet her actual talents cover a far more vast scope, pretty much everything involving fun and bringing joy to ponies falls within it. As for Cheerilie, her CM ultimately signifies not teaching, but nurturing. The fact that she seems terrified that Twilight would consider her some sort of aberration for not wanting to be JUST a teacher is so far left field that I can’t even so far as to what do.

In all, I’d say trim up the exposition and meandering narration, address your systemic errors, speed up the pacing, and draw a considerably tighter focus on her mid-life crisis thing. This desperately needs more flare; I got bored halfway through and never recovered.

Oh, and your synopsis needs work.

Cheers mate, keep writing.

>>103302
>My first major complaint is that Whisperleaf says "This was my first time hearing about my sister" after Fairy Dust explains, but didn't she overhear some of the older villagers talking to her mother about "her other child?"
The bit about "first time" has been removed.


Also, I have some follow up questions.

Regarding this:
> More importantly, though, why would Fairy Dust follow her?
I'm not sure what you mean, because Fairy Dust doesn't follow her back into the village.

>You don't really say why Whisperleaf runs, meaning, "what is her motive/who is she running to?"
I thought I made this somewhat clear with
>Because that’s what happens to ponies without Gaea’s love. They turn into forest monsters.
>[...]
>“I do, but I get the feeling that Gaea doesn’t love me back.”
and
>I ran straight to the elder’s house, since I thought he knew what to do.
Whisperleaf ran back to the village because she wanted to save Fairy Dust from being a monster. Was this too unclear?

Also, I'd like to bring up points from a previous review I received.

>Fairy Dust sat on Fungal Bloom’s roof which was only one story tall, so I could easily throw the ball up to her. It wasn’t too easy, though, because the sun was almost right behind her, except covered by the tall forest trees.
Is using the words "easily" and "easy" here too repetitive or self-contradictory?

>She laughed a happy laugh, covering her mouth with a hoof.
Is "a happy laugh" here redundant or unnecessary?


>>103393
>My only real critique would be that Whisper seems too young in the head for Fairy Dust to have established such a connection with him. At the least, she seems to have the capacity to be able to predict his dogmatic reactions.
I was hoping that "Fairy Dust and Whisperleaf are like super close friends" was enough to explain that. Not sure what you mean by this, though.


Thanks to both of you.

Dear Princess Celestia, I am god-awful at taking criticism.

>>103436

>>You don't really say why Whisperleaf runs, meaning, "what is her motive/who is she running to?"
>Whisperleaf ran back to the village because she wanted to save Fairy Dust from being a monster.
>Was this too unclear?
It still feels like there's a scene missing, or at least, a good explanation. Maybe expand on this plot point a little? I get that you want to keep the reader "in the dark" as to what happened, as you're following Whisperleaf, but while the fact that Fairy Dust dies is given explicitly, the circumstances could be hinted at better, in my opinion. If Fairy Dust didn't follow Whisperleaf back, how did she get caught, then?

Also, I'd like to bring up points from a previous review I received.

>Is using the words "easily" and "easy" here too repetitive or self-contradictory?
You could shoot for a synonym, but really, it worked for a kid's voice.

>Is "a happy laugh" here redundant or unnecessary?
Yeah, actually. I'd cut that, or condense it to, "She giggled like [INSERT HAPPY METAPHOR]"

>>103414
For the record, I enjoyed this. It's a concept I've seen before, but you did well with it, and I liked the questions that it raised.

Plot Summary:
A demolition surveyor runs into a homeless man in an abandoned mental facility. The homeless man teaches him a way of expressing sentiments and emotions, which leads to the surveyor becoming obsessed and, ironically, homeless.

Critiques:
My main issue with this was stylistic. Sure, I picked at grammar here and there, but I was rarely distracted by it. However, you had a very redundant way of phrasing things and repeating yourself. For example, in your first paragraph:

>I can only describe my time with him as surreal, not necessarily enjoyable, but something you never really believe happened.
>He’s just one of those people that no matter how well you get to know him, you never really know him.
>It was strange, almost like the more time I spent with him, the more real he became, the more I felt like it was all a dream.

These three sentences all basically say that Rogsby was surreal, which was summed up in the first half of the first sentence. Beyond that, the reiteration doesn't really add anything.

This problem cascades throughout the rest of your work, and frankly, was the biggest problem I found with the piece. Definitely go back through this and try to streamline the writing and eliminate redundant sentences. Make sure you try to only say things once at any given point in exposition (repetition / referring back to something later is fine).

After that, your scene transitions could use some work. Now, I almost liked the airy, flowiness of this piece, especially given the ending. However, I think that a little bit of formatting to demonstrate that time lapses between given scenes is a good thing; I pointed this out at one time during the story, but it was another sort of constant problem I noticed.

Moving to a narrower scope, I think the dialogue on this needs some work. It didn't quite sound natural to have people speaking in wall-of-text format; if anything, I wanted to hear some of the narrator's inner thoughts as they were connected to the speaker. Maybe his negative opinions of the asshole on the other end? When you said "the meeting didn't go well" or something to that regard, I realized you were technically correct, but it came as a realization because the character told me, rather than my being immersed in the dialogue itself.

And finally, the introductory paragraph to this story needs work. As it is, it's disjoint from the narrative, and it really sets up Rogsby---which messes with your pacing, a little, because he only shows up in the last quarter of the story. I liked the atmospheric sense of the abandoned hospital, and I especially liked the neo-mysticism of the berens, so that just leads me to the conclusion that you need to nix the intro so that when Rogsby appears, it's more mystical, and from there, you can work to build a picture without worrying about expectations.


Again, I enjoyed this piece, and I wish you good luck on making any revisions to this.

>>103383
Plot Summary:
An evil wizard in Houston, Texas kills a child to teleport to Equestria where he can start serial-killing ponies instead. A cop also gets teleported to Equestria, but unlike the wizard, he's still a human and possibly gets manticore-stung to death.

Also, there's the ponies of Ponyville, but frankly, they're wallpaper to this fic in its current incarnation.

Critiques:
Justification and cohesion.

The grammar on this one is mostly clean, which, given the number of reviewers you've run this through is hardly surprising. That's not a bad thing, just a mark of work well done, as it were. It could stand for another proofreading pass, but for the most part, my problems with this story come from content instead of syntax.

Mainly, justification and cohesion.

For justification, you're fighting an uphill battle with the premise of this one. By and large, the intended audience of this story dislikes "Human in Equestria," so yes, you're going to need to make sure that there's adequate reason to have humans in it and not, say, a monster.

From a reviewer standpoint, I'm not sure if you've hit that mark. The conflict in this story so far is largely, "Killer goes on the loose in Equestria, and one of the killers has to stop him." He starts in the Everfree Forest, of all places, so why can't this be a Zebra or Chimera or literally any other non-pony monster that's doing the killing? Iron Will and the Changeling Queen prove that sapience isn't reserved for ponies alone.

Now, you might say, "Well, I want there to be humans, so I used humans." Fair enough. However, know this: a story is like a machine, in that various parts must all work in harmony in order to accomplish a task. Some machines are simple, some are complex. When you add more moving parts to a machine, the complexity rises, and so does the amount of work for maintenance and the possibility for failure. In my experience, stories are the same way.

Equestria is a massive and diverse world, with many different races and species to work with. It's already pretty complex, but if I'm reading a My Little Pony fanfic, I'll accept that Equestria exists and so do all of its mythical beasts. However, if you tell me that a version of our planet / reality exists where it's possible to go to Equestria, instantly, my gut reaction is that of disbelief. "How?" Your answer, "magic," only begets more complexity, as now you've created a version of Houston, Texas where magic is real. How do the police react to this? Surely, this man isn't the first wizard to hurt people.

But yes, I hope you see what I mean about complexity. My point off that is that I don't think you do well enough to justify this added complexity, and given that it's Humans in Equestria, that's fairly important.

Moving on, "cohesion." If I throw away my restraints of humans in Equestria (which I wouldn't if I were reading this legitimately), you give a lot of focus to scenes that don't really have any bearing to the story. You're allowed some fun when you're setting your story, fair enough. But in Chapter One, I'm shown "Twilight prepares for a lecture," "Princess Luna presides over court procedures," and "Berry Punch gets brutally killed." Three ponies. Three different settings. What's the relation? Well, in Chapter Two, you go ahead and tell us... about the cop who also got transported to Equestria, and possibly dies. But in Chapter Three, we get "Rainbow Dash and Big McIntosh are sleeping together," "Little Foal Goes Into the Everfree Forest," and finally, FINALLY, "Twilight sees that Berry Punch has been brutally murdered."

It's a tie, but you definitely took a while to get around to making it, and there's a lot of loose ends still. Why is there the Luna scene? Why was there the focus on Twilight preparing for her lecture that she gave in the start of chapter three?

All in all, I've got two suggestions that I think will work for the better of this story:

1) Omit the humans
As of this writing, they add more complexity to this story than is justified, and they don't really add anything other than "relatable characters," as they're... human, instead of ponies. It's possible to relate and empathize with ponies, though, so I'm not sure why the species of the killer / his (possibly dead) pursuer has to be "Homo Sapiens." Once you get rid of humans, though, this can be a "purer" My Little Pony story, and you're not going to have the doubly-hated combination of "HiE" and "Grimdark."

The story, as it is, doesn't need humans. It doesn't need ponies, either, but really, if you're going to have one, you shouldn't have the other, unless you want to do a lot of work explaining it.

2) Change the order of presentation
Regardless of what alien being is going around killing ponies, you need to have the scenes flow better. Honestly, I'd start with Berry Punch being killed in the prologue. Really expand that scene (without making it a gore-fest; focus on emotions, perhaps a chase? Samurai once told me chases are good). Then, start the story with Chapter Three, which is basically a good "starting" chapter of "life is normal, then little kid finds the remains of a murder victim, and really, this should have been the first chapter to begin with."

Believe me when I say, "Chapter 2 and the parts about humans are interesting, but dead weight on the narrative about the killer, if the killer's not human and doesn't need to be human."

REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK OF SUGGESTION #1, DEFINITELY CONSIDER SUGGESTION #2


In closing, and because I've noticed you doing a lot of work on this story to get it posted on a blog I may or may not be a prereader for... To be blunt, this story is a lot farther away from "Equestria Daily" than I think you think. That's not saying that Equestria Daily is the end-all be-all of My Little Pony fanfiction, but for better or worse, there's a lot more restrictions on the stories that get posted on Equestria Daily. I don't want to make any claims for the rest of the prereader staff, but there's a reason that there aren't a lot of Human in Equestria stories up there: you're writing for an audience when you try for Equestria Daily.

If you want to be one of those that breaks that mold, you're going to have to make this story impeccable, a professional-level work of art that they'd be shamed to not post. But in order to do that, you're going to have to work like hell on improving this, especially justifying the reason for having humans. I'm not sure how that'd work with your two strikes already on this, but in a time spent vs. "Equestria Daily postability" metric, it'd probably be less work in the long run to put your chips on "normal MLP murder mystery story," not "Human killing My Little Ponies."

But finally, I'd like to point out that I respect you for your dedication to your story. You've made progress on it for two months, and apparently educated revisions (given by the fact that you ignored some of my prior critiques). On top of that, you've been fighting an uphill battle with /fic/ because, for the most part, reviewers here don't like Human in Equestria (I saw how long you waited in the Training Grounds).

If you continue working on this story, I have no doubts that it will eventually be good. However, "good" doesn't always mean "made it to Equestria Daily." I don't say that to razz on you or Equestria Daily, but I get the vibe that you've got your sights set on the blog and that alone. Focus on making your story good. You're a talented writer, and there is potential in this story.

Just don't get crushed if that potential lies in places without fortune and fame.

>>103436
>I was hoping that "Fairy Dust and Whisperleaf are like super close friends" was enough to explain that
Yeah mate, I get that part, no problem. My concern revolves around two things - 1) FD is far more intelligent and inquisitive than Whisper, to such a degree that it really feels like she’s at least several years older than he is, which leads to 2) Being so much more cognizant, I’d expect that she would at the VERY LEAST be aware of his dogmatic and simple mindset, and should therefore have predicted his reaction. If she cared about him as her best friend, she’d have vacillated more seriously about him, and have tried harder to change his mind.
I think just a few lines of internal and external dialogue from her and between them along these lines would make the evolution of events much more believable. This argument is predicated by the fact that pull of Whisper’s child-like perspective SO well, that FD comes across as too glaring a contrast to his simplicity to be his BFF. Just a really strong disparity there given her lack of foresight and consideration where he’s concerned, especially as it gets her killed.

In any case, a relatively minor concern for a well-executed one-shot.

>>103421

First off, huge thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. Lemme touch on a few of your smaller points first.

-Good lord I use ellipses a lot. I just did a search of the document...150 uses. That is completely ridiculous and I'm glad you brought it up. I'm going to hire a team of professional Pac-Mans to get that number WAY down.

-In fact, I'm really happy you went into such detail about systemic stuff. I'm a mechanical engineer by trade, so my expertise lies far, far away from thinking words good together yes. Thank you for taking the time to not only point out specifics, but also general problems I need to work on.

-Pacing, it appears, I overcompensated for. One of the reviews I got said the pacing was too fast - the chapter whipped by, just hurling things at Cheerilee before the big reveal. Seems like I over-compensated, so now I have to find the right middle ground.

Anyway, onto the bigger issue with the story.

My goal with this story is not to say "OMG SHE WENT AGAINST HER CUTIE MARK WHAT A SHCOKER!". The fact that she did that certianly isn't a major deal...Rarity is a gem finder, but she designs dresses. You detailed how the same applies to Pinkie Pie. Going partially against a Cutie Mark (or, in Cheerilee's case, very much against her Cutie mark)

The story is not about what Cheerilee did...it's about her emotions, and how she reacted. As you mentioned, it doesn't seem like a huge deal that Cheerilee went against her cutie mark...the point of the story is that, to HER, it is a big deal. As someone who has fought anxiety my whole life, I can tell you that to someone with an insecurity, even a small detail like that can have a drastic effect on you, and it could take years for them to get over their insecurities (precisely the message that will be in this story).

There is a lot more to this story. Cheerilee's backstory is going to be revealed, which will go into detail all about her Cutie Mark...how she got it, why she's insecure about it, why, if she is a gardener, she chose to become a teacher instead, etc etc. It's details that will really explore Cheerilee as a character.

These explanations will all come...in Chapter 2.

Perhaps you see the dilemma that I face.

If I give away all that backstory in Chapter 1, then Chapter 2 is utterly devoid of intrigue, and the reader has no hook. If I keep that backstory in Chapter 2, I run the risk of having a reader get bored and wander off, since the other big Chapter 1 hook (the reveal of Cheerilee's "special talent") isn't exactly hard to see coming.

So now I ask you...do you have any suggestions for how I can find the perfect balance between these? Any sort of ideas you can give for this would be hugely appreciated.

And again, thank you so much for your review...it was EXACTLY what I was looking to get out of my "Last Line Of Defense" review.

[Normal]

They've lived together for three months now, and yet, there are still issues in the lives of Octavia and Vinyl Scratch.

Words: 3940 I counted them myself.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kCRLdUY-_-BhfcIna3HiHj3TAdZP4lzi6KqWqhGJlOU/edit

I do believe this is the story people liked better out of my two write-off entries. And I sort of feel like a dick if I don't do something with this when I know people at least liked it on a basic level.

Please and thank you!

>>103449
Thanks for the brutal honesty, brother.

You make a fine point on the "lose the humans" thing. I thought about it, and I realize that even considering the down the road plot I have planned, making Barlow and Pomeroy just normal OC ponies would make things a lot simpler. But part of me wonders if it's worth the effort.

Yes, I do really want to get posted to EqD. I just feel it's a goal I want to attain, to be counted among the finer artists in our epic little fandom. Maybe it's a stupid goal, but it's my stupid goal. You can call it a desperate need for recognition, and you'd probably be right. My self-esteem kinda sucks hard, and I just want to make it there, a place where I finally feel I can.

Now, that being said, I'm down to one more strike. If I did completely rewrite huge chunks and ditch the whole human aspect, effectively changing the entire scope of the plot, is there any way you could talk to the other people at the blog you may or may not preread for about giving me a fresh start? Would that be a major enough rewrite to garner that? Because if it doesn't, then I basically have no chance. I'm just not that good of a writer to get it right in one try.

There may or may not be cookies in it for you...

>>103447
Thanks so much for the review. I really appreciate the input and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'll try to spend some time revising and as per your suggestions. I'd like to ask a few questions upfront to make sure I understand what you are saying.

>your scene transitions could use some work
Was this just a formatting suggestion that I need to add scene breaks between time and location shifts or do I need to tighten up the writing at the transitions specifically as well? You didn't mention anything that I would need to change besides the formatting, so if the transitions between scenes need work, then any suggestions as to where they are lacking or how they should be improved would be very helpful.

With the suggestion to nix the opening paragraph, I was wondering what you would recommend as the hook. The opening paragraph is disconnected from the rest, but it does have the advantage of piquing general interest. A naive removal of that paragraph would leave a section of exposition dump as the hook, which probably wouldn't work well. So do you have any particular suggestions about what would work for the hook once the beginning paragraph is gone?

Again, thanks for the review. This is mostly a response after a cursory once over, so I'll probably have a more thorough look over it in a few days.

Thanks again for the review

>>103548
>Transitions
It's more of a "formatting and writing" thing. For example, did you see how the wording had to change a little around that one scene break I showed up? It's mostly little stuff like that.

>Hook
Personally, I think that homeless culture is interesting enough that you could start with a mild documentary-like exposition of them (kind of like how you have), and ramp up the danger they pose to the main character of this piece. You could get some foreshadowing in there, even, and definitely ramp up the tension of the first time he goes into the mental facility.


Queue
Email story (Privacy for spoilers)
Email story (Gore)

And Seattle told me he's taking
>>103485

>>103485
>soon

>>103482
>do you have any suggestions for how I can find the perfect balance between these?
Hard to say without seeing ch 2 and knowing what you're alluding to. At this point, I'd suggest trimming down chapter 1 and not releasing it until chapter 2 is ready, then submit them together.

>>103567

In that case, may I e-mail you a general summary of chapter 2 so you'll have an idea of where the story is going?

Because to be honest, I don't like the idea of combining chapters 1 and 2...

Ah another review thread graces /fic/ with it's presence, and it's the two reviewer's I've heard so much about too. May I just say that from what I've heard, you must be legends.

Enough flattery, I'm here for a reason.
I wrote this up nearly two months ago, and it's been improved tremendously since then, but it still has a lot of cleaning up to do. It features a human but only for a very brief period of time. He becomes a pony later. I hope to send it to EQD eventually, but even I know it's not even close yet. I offer it to your discerning eyes.

>Title
Pinkie my Friend
>Tags
[Shipping][OC][HIE][Normal]
>Synopsis
I had always loved talking to Pinkie Pie online, and I always wished I could meet her. Then one day she found me. Everyone said she would one day shatter the fourth wall completely. Well, she did it, and I get to live with her In Ponyville. This is the story of how I met my best friend.
>word count
10,321 words
>Link
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16380/Pinkie-my-friend
I am in the process of trying to convince Google Docs to cooperate. I'll resend the link if it works.

>>103485
YES! I can't wait untill this is finished reviewing. I may have exhausted my enjoyment for it in the write off but I certainly hope not. I cannot express my excitement that this will live on! You rock dude!

>>103572
Brian, my sincere apologies, but my inbox is pretty flooded at the moment, and I've got a fair amount on my plate, to say nothing of non-pony things.

I wasn't suggesting merging chapters. Merely streamlining the first as your hook intro, then finishing the second that has the real background meat. Then submitting chapters one and two together for full consideration. Does that make sense?

>>103596
Please go easy on the flattery. Nick starts to preen compulsively, and before you know it, the office is just fucking covered in feathers.

>>103620

Ohhhhh, I see what you're saying. So keep them separate, but have them posted at the same time so that people can immediately read Chapter 2. I do like that idea.

I totally understand about being swamped, that's fine. Once again, huge thanks for the review and the feedback!

>>103620
I will murder you

And now I can't help but see you two as Gilda and Dash. I am now even hearing the writing on their voice.

And it is weird as hell.

Just thought I would share that.

Yeah...

>>103596
This is really a mess. I'm going to forgo a standard review and give a brief summary of what I don't like about this story:

>(author's note: just warning you now, these first two chapters are mostly introductory, as in they set up the story. I'd recommend reading them, but I'm the author I'm supposed to say that, but if you want to skip to chapter three you won't miss much)
As a reader (granted, a reader-for-hire, but still), this offends me. Here, you gave me a story to read, right? Ten chapters, 10k words, yet you're going to just out and say, "Oh, the first two chapters are pointless, don't read them." You've already wasted my time, then, because you knowingly put "unnecessary" parts of your story into your "story." To be blunt, if you know they're not important, don't include them and start at chapter three. If you have some purpose for them (introduction is good, as long as you establish the conflict that your story is going to address and perhaps resolve).

As an Equestria Daily Prereader, I think this fandom, by and large, doesn't understand what an "author's note" allows you and doesn't allow you to do. It does allow you to address certain issues about the story on a meta level (meaning, "Author's note: sorry for the infrequent updates, I've been busy IRL" is fine. "Author's note: this story is low quality, just roll with it" is... doesn't really excuse you the low quality).

>“HEY, that’s what I said!”
>Breaking the fourth wall yet again, the little pink pony grabbed the blackening screen and forced her head through, so as to claim ownership of her previous advice. I smiled, oh that Pinkie Pie. As I sat back from watching yet another episode of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, I thought about how much I wished Pinkie Pie could reach into our dimension and cheer us all up. It was a common thing among fans, or Bronies as we liked to call ourselves, to discuss Pinkie Pie’s frequent shattering of the figurative “fourth wall”. We all loved her so much, and she seemed almost like you could just reach through the screen and touch her, smell her cotton candy mane, see Ponyville through her eyes. Wishful thinking I suppose.

I got past the stupid author's note, and here it is. The first paragraph. Your big opener, your one chance to let me, your reader, know that this is going to be worth reading... and you bore me. There's passive tense, rough grammar, inefficient languaging, and---worst of all---it's everything that's wrong with "Brony in Equestria" stories. It's whiny, wishy, and above all, it's been done before. Constantly. When you're writing in an oversaturated genre, it's important to set yourself apart from the pack as early as possible, and to not fall into the pitfalls of "I want to write a story that's like _____," except I'm the one writing it.

That's what a private file on your computer is for.

>I sighed and settled for the next best thing. Grabbing my laptop from my bedside table, I opened it and opened up the internet. I clicked the bookmark for my favorite pony page, titled Pinkie Pie’s Page, and was greeted with a screen-size image of the pink party goddess herself pressing her adorable face against the screen.

This has now gone from "whiny" to "sad." Not "sad" as in "Oh, poor narrator," but more like, "You spoiled brat. Act your goddamn age." In this paragraph and the one above it, you've established that the narrator is American (by your languaging), has a television, in his room, with subscription to premium cable, a laptop computer, Internet access...

You want people to pity your narrator? Give them something worth sighing about. Protip: "Oh, my favorite TV show isn't real" isn't an actual conflict, it's... it's "white girl problems," with the stereotype being that some white girls are so well-to-do that they have to invent their own problems. Like The Gap closing at 8:00 on a Thursday when Jenni (with an 'i') got a new pair of low-cut jeans, and if I show up at school tomorrow without one, I'm just going to, like, die, because then Brian's going to ask her to the Spring Dance.

Except... I'd venture a mildly-biased guess to say that "romance" is a more valid conflict than "I wish Pinkie Pie were real." So congratulations, two paragraphs into this, and we're at, "I wish this story had the emotional depth and range as some of the girls I used to go to high school with."

>Pinkie Pie” I said, smiling as I admired the background. I scrolled down, browsing the many pictures pinkie’s admin had posted. Many of them were fan made. My favorite was of Pinkie Pie from when she had taken photos of herself in a photo booth, while imagining her time at the Grand Galloping Gala. I just couldn’t get over that enormous smile that bordered on scary. I laughed a bit when I noticed her eyes were a little ‘derped’ in this shot, meaning one was pointed up and the other was pointed down.

What is this paragraph telling us? That "I looked at pictures on the Internet?" You... I...

*gets up*
Congratulations, author. You have awoken a terrible, virulent beast.
*gets out the Reviewing Vodka*

>I copied and pasted the photo as my profile picture, I just couldn’t resist, the image was just so me
OH MY GOD, YOU ARE ACTUALLY WRITING THIS AS A VALLEY GIRL.

>I loved Pinkie Pie so much because she was exactly like me; such a party animal; so random and energetic, but also making little sense to those around her.
I used to run around with a guy who flunked out of state-sponsored college. To put this into perspective, I once didn't turn in homework for one of my major, upper-level classes. I merely studied for two hours before the two tests, and I walked out of that class with a "C." For... six hours of work, throughout an entire 18-week semester. So no, this guy partied from Thursday to Monday, rarely sober, dealt drugs that I don't think I can talk about on this website, and had a strange penchant for running up and down the hallway, naked, screaming, "IT'S TIME FOR THE PARTY MONSTER!"

He was a "party animal." Pinkie Pie's a tame, professional caterer by comparison.

>I had been diagnosed with ADHD but that wasn’t a thing in pony Ville. Oh how I wished to live there,
yet you can't even spell it
>the party would never end!
We had to take that guy to the hospital twice. Parties need to end eventually.

>Another photo showed Pinkie Pie breaking through the screen, and was titled, “Pinkie Pie broke the fourth wall so we could all come and join her in Ponyville”. Many people had brohoofed the photo, I did as well, and of course added my two cents to the comments below.
What the Christ is "brohoofing" a photo?

You remember that long, pointless paragraph about how you were browsing the Internet? THEN would have been a good time to explain terminology of the website if you're going to be doing shit like "brohoofing" photos.

>brony1: one day this will be true
>brony2: we love you pinkie pie
>brony3: /)
>me: if only it were true, I’d party with pinkie all day, it would never stop.
Ah, the Internet, bringing together people of like interests since 1993.

Seriously, though, this is literally writing the comments section of... Ponibooru? Some sort of social network? Why are you showing us this?

>I scrolled up to the most recent post,
>“Hey everypony, how are ya all doin’ today?”
>I gave my usual reply, “Feelin’ Pinkie keen” making a pun off of my favorite Pinkie Pie episode. I chuckled, before long I received a couple of updates saying a few people had brohoofed my post. Another update informed me that Pinkie Pie had also commented. “Lol I see whatcha did there ;)” By the time I had refreshed the page to see it, it too had a few brohoofs.
I have no way of knowing this based on the story, but I'm sure that this is actually Pinkie Pie. That's mainly because this story is so shallow and vapid that there's no room for conflict or sadness, so of course the narrator's going to meet Pinkie Pie instead of coming to the cold, hard truths of his mortality... I mean, "that Ponyville doesn't exist."

Because, I mean, dying means nothing if you can't live in a world without Pinkie Pie.


>“So how about you Pinkie, what have you been up to today?” I wrote back. I loved starting conversations with the admin, I knew it was just a human who was role-playing as Pinkie Pie, but I liked to believe it was really her.
hah, dramatic irony
>“Oh just starin’ through a screen at you humans lol.” came the reply.
>“You should come through the screen and join us!” I replied. I always loved these kinds of comments; it was interesting to see what the admin would come up with.
>“Hmm well, I’ve been trying without much success lately, maybe Twilight can help.”
>“Maybe” I posted.
I don't feel like I can adequately explain how much I hate this passage.

Let's summarize it: nine paragraphs into an "introductory chapter" that has no bearing on the plot (from your lovely Author's note, mind you), you are recounting the troubles of a narrator who 1) Wishes a television show were real, 2) exists in a genre that is famous for cliche, trite, wish-fulfillment, and 3) IS TALKING TO AN ENTITY, OVER THE INTERNET, THAT IS, IN REALITY, HIS FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM THE SHOW.

That's my main problem with this story in general: there's no suspense, no buildup, no complexity. It just be what it do, and that is to be "whiny, over-priviliged teenager with a "learning disorder" has it so hard, he needs Ponies to cope."

That's the main reason I hate this fandom. You know what happened a few years ago when my world collapsed, leaving me feeling helpless and with virtually nothing I could do in a situation? I whined about it and it got better. No, wait, I grew a pair and fucking met it head-on. No, I'm not in a great position now, but fuck if I'll be damned pissing around whining about how "Oh, gee, I wish I could go to Equestria."

I wish I could go to the moon, which is a place that exists, but technologic and social limitations mean that probably won't happen within my lifetime. You know what I do? I cope. It's not going to happen. And I move on.

>A few minutes later the reply came, “She says she doesn’t know any spells that involve inter-dimensional travel sorry :(” I refreshed the page and noticed Pinkie Pie’s latest post. It was a picture of a very excited looking pinkie pie, at the top was posted “LET’S PARTY!” Smiling I made a comment, “YAY PARTY!”

>A few hours later, after many Pinkie Pie songs had been played, I posted directly on the page.
>“I wish I could come party with you wherever you are Pinkie Pie” The alert came that she had posted.
>“Yeah! That would be awesome XD!” For some reason I felt the need to emphasize,
>“I do really mean it though, most people don’t get that” Her reply soon came
>“Well you seem like a pretty cool guy, I hope we do meet someday”

Okay, now we're back to more vapid conversation, nothing new, nothing exciting...

>Suddenly I got that weird feeling again. It’s not something I can really describe to you; I suppose it would be best to say it was sort of a ‘spark’ in my brain if you will.
Talk to any neurologist, every feeling is some sort of "spark" in your brain.
>In any case I’d gotten this funny feeling only a few times before, there was no mistaking it. I posted immediately “Whoa! I get the feeling we’re definitely going to meet someday, the only problem is it doesn’t specify when”
Okay, great. Your narrator has psychic powers of where this story is going. Sure, they're unexplained, but maybe since he lives in a vacuum with nothing else but a TV(?) and laptop and bed, his world is so simple that all of reality flows along a linear path, with no deviations other than what is predestined to happen (Nameless Narrator meets Pinkie Pie, story at... hah, there's no story in this).

>It had been over a year since this sixth sense of mine had gone off, it was never specific, but it had always been right. “Twitchy tail? Wow you and I really are alike” came her response.
>“Yeah, it goes off at random, and it’s usually right too, there was only one time I didn’t actually meet the person but it could still come true technically” This of course was a lie, well sort of. I got the feeling I would meet Pinkie Pie, but I knew that couldn’t be true so I likened it to her admin, still possible.
...

"Yeah, it's always true, except one time that it didn't come true, but it might still come true."

THIS IS WHY NEW AGE BULLSHIT IS BULLSHIT.

Ironically, I thought that this story wouldn't have any more surprises in stock. However, I see that it's found a new way to infuriate me.

>“Ooh sounds interesting, oh now I really really do want to meet you.”
>I thought for a moment
>“maybe we could meet at the next Bronycon, where do you live?”
>“Bronycon? What’s that? I live in Ponyville silly.” Wow, I forgot this was a role-playing page.
>“Oh it’s this big event where all of us humans who watch you guys gather to have a big party”
>“Ooh sounds fun can I come?” She really did sound like Pinkie Pie. “Sure Pinkie Pie, just break through the fourth wall and come join us!”
If this is a role-playing page, why is the author not assuming a persona?

>I laughed, if only the real Pinkie Pie could.
YES, if ONLY.

I've said it up before when I was suffering through this ordeal of a story, this story is way too simple and cliche to hold anyone's attention if they're over the age of 13 (maybe younger, if the kid's an avid reader). Seriously. You can't just call "oh, this story's really good, trust me" in an Author's Note, then proceed to bore the hell out of everyone in the first chapter. That's not what "first chapters" are for.

This story needs a conflict, and it needs a realistic solution to the conflict in order to bring it together in a manner that is both satisfying and fulfilling. MEANING, don't tell us, "Author was sad, then he met Pinkie Pie!" That's a bullshit story and you know it. That's why there's a stigma against "HiE" stories that exist on like some sort of alternate version of Earth where everything sucks just as much BUT there's a release of Ponies. At least Maverick despite the author being a git had the balls to make everything in the world be post-apocalyptic and shitty, and have Equestria be more akin to a prison than anything. But virtually no one wants to, for pleasure, read a story where the author gets everything given to them, magically, and they don't have to work for the ending or learn anything along the way.

Which is exactly how this story feels.

So, basically, I'm saying this: you need to beat the following two sentences with your story:

"One day, Mike was sad because he didn't have $5. Then he found $5 on the ground."

for me to take it seriously as a piece of literature.

Until then, this is me, having some regrets about downing ~4 shots over the duration of this "review."

Okay, let's try this.

Title: All The Good THings
Genre: [Sad][HiE/PoE]
Synopsis: Vince always knew it was odd for a human to be friend with Equestrians, but he was convinced their little group of five would last forever, but now, meeting them all again, he has to wonder how the group has fared the test of time, distance, and tragedy.
Word count: 3839
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JR7UUCadm9lWhnvO08Xor8-XoJhdIereFa58cJnsLCQ/edit

This was my submission for the last /fic/ writeoff, and I thought I'd give PoE a chance. From what I gathered, my biggest concerns are that it's not pony enough, and that it is more or less average so far as stories go. I'm not sure if I should take vimbert's advice and make it original fiction, but here it is.

Hello there,

To make a long story short, I wrote a story and my goal is to get it on EqD. My 3 editors and I have already went over it extensively, however upon submitting it to EqD I was rejected because of basic grammatical errors. I am really bad at grammar (science major here) and I was wondering if you kind fellows can help me. I would like your honest opinion the story, if it sucks then please tell me. Basically, does my story have the potential to be on EqD? I need help on locating these grammatical errors.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold

It has been up for about two -three days, I am at 13 Likes and 1 dislike.

I could greatly use any help.

Also to any mods out there, sorry bout posting a topic about. Yes I actually misread the rules.

Woops sorry bout earlier post.

Title: March to the Scaffold
Genre: Sad, Dark, Slice of Life (probably removed on future chapters)
Word Count: 4k
Link: I posted it earlier but forgot this part, but here is the link again.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold

Description: Chrysalis is brought to trail in Canterlot for her failed invasion.

As I mentioned above, it was rejected by EqD due to basic grammatical issues. Problem is I have really bad time with grammar. Thats why my 3 editors and I spent hours going over it. I am surprised to see a it failed for that. I would like you honest opinion.

>>103713
Did it really come off as that whiny? Oops, I was going for the "I love this show and wish to enter Equestria as a pony" feel. Now that you mention it, you're right, this isn't a good conflict. That's an enormous hole that I guess I just never noticed before.

Finally, a well explained, valid reason as to why I should scrap this story, or at least start over.

Just to sate curiosity, I think I'll tell you that most of the online chat was taken from real pages on facebook, and the brohoof was because I have ponyhoof.

Many thanks for the review, sorry for ruining your night. Best review I've ever gotten

>>103745
I don't know what "Ponyhoof" is either, so my point still stands. Still, far from "ruining my night," I'm impressed that you took the appropriate message from that cascade of bile. I wish you good luck on whatever you decide to turn this story into.

>>103485
You’re getting a pass for blowing off the genre tag requirement here, just because it’s you.

Now then, let’s see what’s going on in this here fix. Ah, another Tavi / Vinyl fic. I can dig that.

> the steady drumming of the new dishwasher
I’m guessing you wrote this after that badass “Epic Wub Time” vid was released.

>It was normally ran fairly quietly
cut “was”, and you should semicolon this to the previous sentence.

>dubtrot
fuck yes.

>one more time.
missing closing quotation mark

Octavia’s internal musings are coming off as increasingly rather pedantic.

>Her eyes scanned the room, looking for whatever had broken.
This is clunky.

>first moved together
“in”

>Cutting her off, Vinyl said, “Whoa, chill out it’s in large three pieces and—”
comma/other mark needed, an a lil rephrase-
>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst, “Whoa, chill out(,)/(!) (i/I)t’s in (three whole/big) pieces and—”

Narration is a bit lacking. Instead of saying “she sunk into the water”, throw in a descriptor, such as steaming, or hot. You want to create an impression and an experience, not just an action.

>Didn’t know you were still in here. I’ll ask my question later.
How does this make sense? She wants to ask a question, seeks Tavi out, and then says “I didn’t know you were in here”?

>She scrambled back in the water.
She’s still in the water. Perhaps-
>She recoiled against the porcelain wall of the tub.
or some such.

>protocols regarding
stray space

>the fading hoofsteps of Vinyl,
clunky

>her let her gaze drift
pronoun confusion

>She took pride in how neat her bedroom was kept.
clunky

Tavi’s really coming off as a petty twat at the “oh i’m gonna break her favorite record” scene.

A lot of the dialogue feels superfluous or flat in respect to the character you’re portraying in a given situation.
One EG-
>I think I left it in your room that day I showed it to you, but had to leave really quickly when I realized I was late for work.
For Vinyl, wouldn’t it be more like-
>I think I left it in your room when I showed it to you, but I had to bail when I realized I was late for work.

The descriptive exposition isn’t very engaging. Take the living room scene. It’s like- “table there. couch past it. door over there.” I’m not getting any sense of ambiance to the environment at all.

Please, PLEASE don’t begin a narrative sentence with a conjunction. My eye starts to twitch.

>brushed off cobwebs
should be
>brushed off the cobwebs
or
>brushed away the cobwebs

Are you actively *trying* to make Tavi come off as a petty, obsessive femoral artery or what dude? Cuz if so, you’re winning.

So much Tell. SO MUCH.

> wait for her to become mellow.
this makes little sense

>mare’s I know
why you possessive apostrophe?

>she slowly began to grin.
Nyet. This kind of phrasing is terribly bland. How’s about-
>a grin slowly spread across her muzzle.

>However, Although, etc
You start way too many sentences/paragraphs with these.

You have the occasional tense disagreement. Not on a systemic level or anything, looks more accidental than anything given how rarely it occurs.

>“Even you have to admit it got a bit out of hoof.
closing quotations

I dunno mate. There aren’t really any *systemic* grammatical errors, but this piece just feels rushed, reads flat, and as a consequence fails to establish any real immersion or consistent emotional tone. Much of the narration is stilted, the phrasing awkward, and sentence structure disconcerting. One of the oddest things about this piece is Octavia’s recurrent obsession about “the rules”. Yes, she’s a refined mare, but you play this theme so heavy that it just starts to grate, and I have no idea why you’re taking it to such an extreme of repetition. Off hand, I can’t recall if I’d read something from either of your pen-names previously, so I’ve no immediate basis of comparison, but this one-shot has left me considerably unimpressed. Regardless, cheers man, keep writing.

>>103828
A question:
>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst, “Whoa, chill out(,)/(!) (i/I)t’s in (three whole/big) pieces and—”
I'm looking at the comma after "outburst" and thinking it should be a period. It's a grey area (to me, at least) since "cut off" isn't strictly a said-ism, so I've always had trouble with them. Is there a hard and fast rule for that, or do you just choose one or the other based on how you want the sentence to flow?

What I mean is, I'd do this with it:
>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst. “Whoa . . ."
...but I'm not sure if that's right.

>>103851
>how you want the sentence to flow?
This is what it comes down to.

>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst.
The problem with this, would be *how* she did it.
For instance, you could go -
>Vinyl rose a hoof, cutting off her outburst. "Whoa, chill out..."

In another approach, the way Shadow's using it, the "cut off" is a verbal action, allowing for the dialogue tag punctuation.

>>103857
I thought so, but I greatly appreciate the clarification.

I shall take my leave now.

>>103865
You're always welcome round these parts Sturm. Give my best to Nicole.

All right, email stories are finished, so I'm working on this one next:
>>103724


>>103742
is up for grabs

>>103851
>>103865
A mod's already told you once, so please take your attention-mongering elsewhere, like sending Seattle an email if you really care about the grammar (instead of "making a name for yourself").

Greetings.

I have come to place a story in the queue. It is a modest thing, only five chapters so far, but I feel it is near ready for public consumption. The Good Master Demetrius has already given this story a several-over, so you should be free of needing to find grammar errors and such, though you will find some instances of "casual narrator" that I am attempting to fix.. However, at his suggestion, I am looking for a second or third pair of eyes on this piece of...story.

Title: The Equestrian Secret Service
Tags: [Dark(er than the series)] [OC] [Bad at Tags] [Intrigue]
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace, surrounded on all sides by nations not as embroiled in friendship. In a world like this, how does the land remain free of war?
The Equestrian Secret Service is an organization hidden from the public eye. These brave ponies are unknown to the populace, and their brave deeds are ever unsung. In a world brimming with cold anger, hate, and violence, they move to prevent conflicts before they ever happen.
For peace. For Celestia.
For the good of Equestria.
I didn't mean for that to rhyme.
Word Count: ~43,000
Link: (ToC) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j7inQyIpgByI4U-24OTbS8Cv-73sp8kPTNyXAwZ7_bM/edit

As for whom I am requesting...

Well, I do enjoy the story that Master Nick is producing, and if he were to review this, it would inflate my little ego to almost the size of a cockroach (and if you step on it, it won't die). Besides, I helped you fix two spelling errors that one time! You owe me! No, you don't.

On the other hand, though I haven't read any of the things Master Seattle has produced, he has already promised me a review. Then he got a little pre-occupied.

Hmmm...decisions, decisions...

>>103828

> but this piece just feels rushed, reads flat, and as a consequence fails to establish any real immersion or consistent emotional tone.

Curses! I seem to do that consistently with my writing. I'll see what I can do. My biggest issue is slowing down the pace. Whenever I try, I seem to fail. Reading flat? It's probably the genre... sorry 'bout that.

> Are you actively *trying* to make Tavi come off as a petty, obsessive femoral artery or what dude?

Kinda... I was aiming for something a little out of the ordinary. Or it may be because I have no experience with Octavia and I tried a little too hard to write high class. Whoops.

Sorry it didn't do it for you. I'll admit, it's probably pretty low in my writing career. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks and enjoy your afternoon.

>>103724
This story is, quite frankly, "Humans and ponies coexisting in a manner that people ought to write the stories in the first place." It's not quite "HiE or "PoE," because you're not spending... any time establishing how contact is made, in that oh-so-bumbling, "OH HEY I'VE GOT A HORSE BODY NOW!" manner that is tried and... really, really, tired. Still, you need SOME sort of label, I guess, because this fandom's so fucking mysanthropic that it's stupid, so that's not absolving you of responsibility of labeling it with [Humans] or something, but still, kudos on writing a Human + Ponies story that doesn't suck and, frankly, is pretty decent overall.

On a personal note, take that praise on a broad level: if you don't worry too much about the setting and the races of your story, people won't quite care about HOW things came to be, they'll just accept it and move on to what's important: the plot.


Plot Summary
A group of friends bond despite racism that is told but never really demonstrated, then they grow up.

Yeah, I mean, this is a simple story that's been told many times before, but I don't think you were trying for "ground-breaking and revolutionary" here, so I don't really care about that.

Critiques
My main problem with the story is its simplicity. Now, see, I can forgive a simple plot like a DJ finding out they have a drug problem if the rest of the story has some depth to it, vis-a-vis the characters or some other artistic qualities, but really, you didn't quite do that here, and it's a shame. I feel a connection to the nameless narrator Vince, because this whole story's told from his point of view, but all of his other friends are basically wallpaper stereotypes. You've got the charismatic artist leader/focal point of the bunch, a nerd, a happy girl, a serious girl, and the narrator (who also doesn't quite have a well-defined personality). I hate to say it, but none of the emotional scenes in this story carried any weight: the death and the acceptance that "our childhood place is gone..." both just felt like they were unfortunate, and I cared because the narrator was realistic, but I didn't feel any connection to the events because all of the characters involved were just told that "oh, we're friends."

A perfect example would be the engagement between Compass and Peachy Keen. They had ZERO romantic interest in the story, and then it's just announced that "they're getting married." Fair enough, I guess, but that could've been a happy moment for Vincent to realize, "Well, I should've seen it coming sooner." Instead, they're just names on a wall, and the marriage is an arrow connecting them.

Same thing with Gust's "leadership qualities" of the group. This never comes up, but it's just told that she is.

Same thing with the supposed "racism" that they get which is apparently just a few awkward glances and Vince's parents.

All in all, this story needs a good amount of deepening because, quite frankly, the ending was amazing for what this is (but again, it fell flat because of the soul-less characters).

Suggestions (I have totally been doing these throughout this thread, for the record. >_>)
Make this longer. I disagree with Vimbert over "make everyone all one species," because the racism angle could be good if you actually included some events about it, but you definitely need to show everyone's chemistry within the group instead of just telling us, the audience, how everyone is.

I'm reminded of Stephen King's It, though not in a "and then all the kids fucked" type of way. But all of the kids had their own personality, so if someone were to tell me that "Bev was the tomboy leader," I'd agree to an extent.

But really, you need emotional depth, which is only going to be obtained by proximity to the characters and showing that they're organic, living beings. I'd suggest a few adventures as kids, then maybe a few teary good-byes, then have the epilogue be the scene at the park. It'd carry so much more bittersweetness, to have their reuinion be ruined by their jaded-ness and the apartment complex, but you could also weave in a little hopefulness of "friends forever."

You did well on this. Now go out there and do better.

Flying High, Falling Hard chapter 1 (4th edition rewrite)
[Romance][Drama]
Dash is training for the upcoming Best Young Flier competition, and asks Twilight to be her coach.
~3,400 words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Od3VVS4W3MlJxczTjaQJseEkHy-hHvtYwtg_yF4_iZE/edit

Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Tags: [Adventure], possibly [Dark], although I don't know if it has enough elements to merit the tag. I've gone back and forth with this. Would love some feedback on it.

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.
Word Count: 47,241
Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B46rC7HFv-bHTWp1ZUwzczBUbVE/edit

Comments: Make sure to read the Prologue first. I've had three editors look at it so far. This has not been submitted to EqD, although I plan to do so in a few weeks to see where I stand. If you're a pre-reader, I would like to know if you think this would make the cut.

Known Issues:
-The Prologue conveys information too fast and needs to be spaced out. The opening in particular feels 'schizophrenic' as one editor pointed out.
-Possible pacing issues. Would like your feedback on this.
-As this is an in-progress story, there are unresolved plot issues. I would like to hear your thoughts on the plot thus far, what questions you have, and where you think the story is going.

Let loose all your righteous editing fury. I look forward to rebuilding.

Thanks in advance.

>>103908
> On the other hand, though I haven't read any of the things Master Seattle has produced, he has already promised me a review
Here you go.
>>31833

I got-
>>103983
Flying High, Falling Hard
and
>>103908
Equestria Secret Service
>he has already promised me a review
I did what when? Anyhow, at 40k, expect a skim review as Dem's already been working on it with you.
Also, Dem, thanks for pimpin' out my fic.
EJN- Y U NO READ MY STORY?!

Nick is working on-
>>103724
All the Good Things
and
>>103989
The Zodiac Ritual

>going to bed now

>>103998
Your queue maintenance. My face when (ask Vimbert).

My actual queue
>>103742
>>103989

>>103999

>>103998
>I did what when?
Some post way back near 53330 or so. Long since buried. In one of Sparky's review threads. Second iteration, if memory serves.

Don't worry; I'm not bitter about it or anything.

>EJN- Y U NO READ MY STORY?!
Don't know where to find it.
>>31833
Oh, hey! There it is!
Want a review?

>>103742

Plot Summary
Changeling Queen (henceforth referred to as Her Holiness) is captured, off-screen, and brought to Canterlot to be executed. She is then executed.

Critiques
You've got a very stilted, comma-ful writing style. In a lot of sentences, you're trying to splice three or four ideas together, with commas, and all in all, it's both exhausting to read and convoluted. Similarly, you've got a problem with redundancy in writing: you like to repeat things "for good measure," even if you're saying the same thing in two sentences.

All in all, I recommend reading this document:
http://www.cs.vu.nl/~jms/doc/elos.pdf

and taking to heart all of its lessons. There's some debate as to the legitimacy of Elements of Style, but if you follow its rules, for the most part, you'll end up conveying your ideas in a much a manner that is much easier to both understand and read.

Now, on to the actual ideas presented behind a wall of rough grammar:

You're doing more harm to this story than good by abiding by "music." Look at that summary: that's a simple summary. There's only one conflict, since the capture of Her Holiness is handled off-screen, and that's her trial/punishment. From a literary standpoint, I'm not sure that there's enough grounds to break up this conflict into two sub-chapters, as nothing really gets resolved in the first chapter other than "she gets to the castle," which wasn't really an issue in the first place. She was getting carried there against her will, after all.

From a reader standpoint, relatively few people are willing to sacrifice their own control of music / reading ambiance for your story. With reading speed being variable from person to person, also, there's not really much point in trying to synchronize a story to a piece of music. And that all isn't taking into account the point that, by comparing your story to a famous work of art, you're inviting comparisons. It's like my personal ethic of covers: if you can't make the song better or subvert part of it, don't try to beat it.

So, for your benefit, I'll assume that this is all one document, a 4000-word-long story...

It's very simple.

Now, if you look at my review for this story,
>>103302
a simple plot doesn't mean it's a bad story. However, you've got to ask yourself what you're adding to the story beyond the synopsis of the story. In Filler's example, he added atmosphere and a limited-narrative point of view of a child which was cute enough to make the creepy atmosphere all the more poignant. In your story... you've got Her Holiness dreading being executed, being apologetic in her head, then instead of apologizing, she decides to die proud and defiant. First, I dislike the juxtaposition between her thoughts and actions. In her head, she's victimized and sad, yet as soon as she opens her mouth, she's proud, loud, and bitchy. Secondly...

It feels like you're trying to make the audience feel sad for Her Holiness. Which, the emotions present in this story are all told up-front: I'm scared. It wasn't my fault. Oh no. But you don't show how she's actually interpreting those reactions. Body language and internal sensations (like a stomach tightening or shortness of breath) go a long way in expressing emotions, and frankly, that's... that's probably your best option for this story, if you don't want to make it a more complex plot.

I'm also not exactly sure what Her Holiness' death is supposed to be. Is it heroic? What's she sacrificing her life for? Is it defiant? Why is she defying? "You had stuff and I wanted it" is a pretty piss-poor reason to attack anyone, nationally, and frankly, it makes her a shallow villain who I'm glad is being punished.

Also... you could've handled the "reunion" with Retcon Sparkle (or whatever Twilight's older brother's name is) a lot better. I mean, she, uh... she basically raped him, for all intents and purpose of "taking power away from someone for your own benefit that is emotionally scarring." Yet all she gets is a weird look? I really want to see Retcon's reaction to Her Holiness's capture/death, and you had a perfect opportunity to do it, but you didn't follow through.

But all in all, that's how most of this story felt: a lot of decent ideas, but not a lot of follow through. You had Her Holiness's thoughts and musings, and could've made this piece emotional, but you didn't. You could've weighed more heavily on the ethics of the changeling attack, but you didn't. You could've shown Celestia and Luna as merciful, or at least above capital punishment, but you didn't.

And all in all, that's why this story felt hollow.

>>104010
>pic

>>103983
>I hate mornings.
Right then, ship fic. Okay, let’s see.

Generally you only place commas before conjunctions if it’s a serial comma.

>Twilight sighed irately
awkward. What you’re going for would be better expressed-
>Twilight sighed in exasperation.

>Dash’s wing flaps slowed,
Incredibly clunky phrasing. You do this quite a bit.

So… you’re totally going AU with the events shown in Sonic Rainboom (With a precursive nod to Daring Do). That’s cool I suppose, but that kind of thing treads some reeeeally tricky continuity waters (believe me, I’d know). For instance, for the sake of your story, you have Dash say that she never exercises or stretches, which we *know* to not be true from, well, Dash being Dash, and especially from the Running of the Leaves and Apple Bloom’s first shit-episode. Dash is all about training. As far as you’re concerned, you have a License to Ship and damn the canons.
Well, I guess that’s okay, except that it’s not. The way you’re going through this is lazy. If you want to ship these two ponies in this situation at this time in this way, the artful thing to do would be to write the scene as though it could be happening in between episodes or segments of the show. The way you’re going about it is more akin to striding about with a sledgehammer, swinging the bugger wildly at any petty thematic sequence that gets in the way of your mission.

>Well, if you need…
“if” has no place here unless you end the sentence with an ellipses, indicating a hesitation until the next segment of dialogue concludes things.

Nearly finished here, an this breaks down to essentially a pre-amble to make-outs -
“Oh Dash you’re a good flyer.”
“No I suck Twilight I need your help. You’re so good with magics.”
“Oh Dash you’re an AMAZING flyer, an I’m not that great.”
“No Twi, you’re AMAZING with magics!”

So, to brush up:
You’re quite poor at-
Setting a tone, Tense consistency, Proper comma placement

You’re bloody awful at-
Scenic exposition (it’s essentially nonexistent), Action scenes, Thematic congruity




Considering this is a ship fic, there’s a stunning amount of Tell in areas you could utilize Show to illustrate contact and a developing context between the two main characters. One EG; When Dash crashes, an Twi braces her into a sitting position. Choose a character, and delve into their experience of the contact, the burgeoning emotional impact on her, the physical effects, etc etc. This is the manner of necessary embellishment to make a ship-fic engaging.
Yikes, this is a 4th edition re-write? Damn. Okay, I suggest you go ahead and throw down a couple more chapters before re-engaging this one. Give yourself something of a wider ground to work from, and then step back and see how smoothly you can make them fit together.

Cheers, keep writing.

>>104008
>Want a review?
Does Nick like shipping gay griffons?

In case you're wondering, the answer would be an emphatic yes.
Thanks!

>>104032

>>103980

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for the review. The funny thing was, I was originally planning on including more racism in the piece but I ended up dropping the idea for fear as coming off as another stereotypical misanthropic "blargh humans are evil ponies are great" HiE fic also I started the fic 5 hours before the deadline of the writeoff like a dumbass but now that I see I can actually include that and have it not come off as cliche and dumb, I'll try that. Thank you.

>>104032
>>104049

Gay griffons are the best griffons

>>104010

Dear Nick,

First and foremost I want to thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to give me your opinions and thoughts. I am greatly appreciate you doing that, I really do.

For the grammar, I am really bad at it. I guess my editors really love commas, I will send them the message.

So first I said I wanted to follow the flow of music, I kneow I cant get people to read in synch with the music, rather I tried to follow its up and downs. Guess I didnt do great. I used the music as inspiration really.

I guess I at least owe you some clarification with the plot. As I said I used music as the inspiration. That thing about the song I selected is that it is called a program symphony. Basically there is a story for each song. The first one I used, March to the Scaffold, basically the guy takes a lot of opium and has some crazy ass dreams. In short he watches his own execution and in the next movement, his funeral.


Spoilers (to those who care but I doubt there is any but just incase)

For Chrysalis, yes I wanted her to feel sad, but she still is prideful, she dose not want to go down weak or even be considered weak. So thats why I had the conflicts etc.

Now for the plot, in short Celestia was merciful. Chrysalis was not killed. In the next chapters I was going to describe what happened. (I love Chrysalis too much just to kill her)
I did not plan on this to be a short story, this story is suppose to really focus on Chrysalis after the first two chapters. I did not say anything because well I didnt want to give spoilers.

Lastly for Shining Armor or whatever his name is. The reason why I limited his actions because he is in a high ranking position. I mean if he just started bitch slapping her I am pretty sure he would get some form of punishment. He was trying to be professional.

So yeah, thank you for the review. I really do appreciate a honest review. Now I am going to go figure out if I should finish my story or not.

Thanks for the help,
Foxy Kimchi

Hello, gentlecolts. I've polished this one as much as I can, and I seek sharp eyes such as yours to perfect it. Most likely, Nick will take it, although I am pitching it as a human story for people who don't like human stories.

Title: "The Savage Way"
Tags: [Adventure][Sci-Fi][Human]
Synopsis: A disaster at sea strands Caramel on an island with one other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together, but Caramel's new friend may not be as benevolent as he seems.
Word Count: 5061
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b9hlmckdYoweAGLxhx_ypKKZoqmnO-8EFFvLrpUJcxk/edit?pli=1

I will probably also post this in Professor Hugbox's thread later.

Thanks in advance.

>>104060
Oh, well damn, dude. If Chrysalis didn't die, there's... there's cause to continue the story. I thought this was just borderline snuff fic, which gave me problems of legitimizing her death.

Now, most of my points still stand, mainly giving this emotional depth and whatnot. As for music... music's great for inspiration some of my favorite stories I wrote were inspired by them, most recently Two Beats by driving around the Chicago freeway at 80mph listening to dubstep, but at the same time, trying to write a "musical story" with ups and downs... I mean, it's possible, but it'd be tricky to pull off, and in your case, it requires previous knowledge of the pieces.

But yeah, for the record, I didn't get that Chrysalis wasn't dead, nor did I get that there was more story after the final scene here.

>>104055
You could try having some of the ponies look down on Vince, or maybe Gust's griffin parents/friends. Racism isn't a one-way street.

>>104084
Horse, we're going to be holding off on this until after Hugbox gets through with it. When he's done and you've worked through the revisions you deem appropriate, resubmit with a link to his review.

>>104008
EJN, I'm working through your piece. Gimme a coupla days, this is promising to be a busy week.

Seattle out.

Yay for a generic picture and a possibly cliche concept!

Title: One Simple Choice
Synopsis: When Rainbow Dash is offered a high ranking weather position in Cloudsdale, she begins to wonder exactly what it is she wants from life, as well as what will make her truly happy in the long run.
Tags: I would have to go with [Sad], but more [Realistic Sad] (which I know isn't a tag).
Word Count: 5283
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1raiglo7sR1X91BSN27uetcwpbVmPyebg7E1e3yHhavA/edit

(title and synopsis are a work in progress)

(yes, a kinda sad Dash fic. No, she doesn't break her wings).

First of all, I realize this concept has been done before. Unfortunately, I haven't read fics of this nature, so I can only hope that I'm taking a somewhat fresh approach. I've noticed from your reviews that you tend to give ideas to help bolster stories, so if anything pops into your head that could help the story stand out more or be more properly executed, please let me know.

Next, characterization. I'm writing an introspective Rainbow Dash, which sounds like an oxymoron. I hope that I portray her in a believable manner, but don't hesitate to tear me apart if she feels like a completely different pony.

I'm also concerned about too much telling in the first chunk of the chapter. The fic takes place in the future, so I had some work to do in bringing the reader up to speed, but let me know if there's a more effective way I can do this.

Hmm. I think that's mainly it for now. Sorry for the list of points, I tend to overthink my stories. I do plan on this to be a fairly long fic with gobs of character development, so hopefully you're okay with me dropping off just one chapter here. Expect more in the future.

Now, this story is slightly related to my existing EqD fic, but I want this to get its own post, meaning I would have to send it through pre-readers. So be harsh.

Thanks to whoever picks this up. I've been through this review thread a couple times, and you two are excellent. The review may end up stinging a bit, but it will help me in the long run.

>>104109

Will do.

Just some quick queue maintenance:

I'm claiming:
>>103989
>>104084 (removed until Hugbox gets done with it)
>>104121

Expect reviews... when it cools down. You know it's hot when your computer threatens to overheat when browsing two tabs on Chrome.

>>104214
>You people are crazy

Yeah, that would probably explain why I've reenlisted. Twice. Once for no money.

>>104032
Well, then.

First, I will say that, like you, my week is turning very busy. Unlike you, I have to scrounge around for internets, so, while I shall be going over your story, it will take time.

With that in mind, go ahead and take all the time you need for getting my review in; I am plenty patient (and I will respond to your points once you're all finished).

I should tell you, though, that my inner editor is refusing to let me go through this with less than a fine-tipped comb. Now, since you're published and, therefore, you don't have comments enabled, I have come up with a way to comment anyway: copy your document, and comment in that. Now all I want for is your gDocs associated e-mail so as to give you viewing/editing/commenting/ownership of the docs (once finished, of course). If you have trepidations of leaving your e-mail on this public page, feel free to send it directly. E-mail of mine in appropriate box.

P.S.: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if you removed Q and R. Also, gay Gryphon shipping keeps that violent population down. So does interspecies. These Gryphons are just going to die out; you know that, right?

>>104249
That's part of the plan I think. Stick them in a pen, let them die out. Like the lions in Africa, but with more feathers and preening. Sucks being a griffin. And they aren't very good at it either. -- *gets stoned*

>>103908
Ooooh, a professional compilation doc with all your chapters an ANs! This is off to a good start. Just one question- why do you have an AN section with nothing there?

Anyhow, I’m going to be dropping chapters one through three in here atm, as that’s what I’ve got so far. Made some notes in-doc, but as tends to be my preference, the bulk of things goes in-post for your enjoyment. I expect to have the rest of the story done by the end of the week. As a preface, I should say I’m *really* enjoying this thing. Good work, and I look forward to continuing.

Onward to, Ch 1. Enjoy you my SoC notations.

You’re setting a pretty fucking serious tone with your opening quote. I hope you stay consistent or transition gracefully.

>it felt a wonder
“felt” is an inappropriate choice from a narrative stance. Suggest the more direct “was”.

Oh, right, this is a 40k piece. Look for smaller notations in comments rather than greentext from here on out.

Shaman dog. Interesting.

It’s unclear what Sly’s illusion spell is actually doing, considering the pair are already covered head-to-hoof in camo.
An this-
>They could no longer see the commotion the dogs were making, but they could still hear it.
certainly doesn’t clarify things.

Some really powerful world-and-culture-building going on here. It starts off strong, and you’re growing it at a skillful pace. With Dem working with you on this, that’s no surprise. I’m really appreciating the coarse nature of the Dogs from a Pony perspective, belied by the machinations of the Shamans, and… Fuck. I’m totally gonna get sucked into this story.

>Alacorn
I object to this spelling strongly, and given how many others would as well, I wonder why you think it’d be worth the fight. I’m sure I’m not the first to raise this complaint.

With all the trouble Sly has in getting out of the damn cave, I’m wondering how the hell they got IN, considering they can’t use magic and the rope they got down with isn’t still there.

Strong start on the first chapter, issues noted in-doc.

Ch 2-

Huh, internal conspiracy things are happening, it would seem. If I may say, you’re setting off too many warning signs with Golden Lock too quickly. Unless you want the thing to be obvious from the get-go.

I’m getting some srs dissonance from this whole meeting with Golden. I don’t get the feeling that Autumn nor his team are green, rather the opposite- that they are (or were, in the majority case) an experienced and solid team of agents, with a record to show for it. Yet here’s this Golden, who’s actual position hasn’t been revealed yet, casting aspersions on the dire report of one of the ESS’s agents. In front of an assembled council no less. And this just, flies? This unfolding of events casts the entire Equestrian Secret Service as an institution into a dubious light.

… Huh. I don’t care for this- You build up Autumn to be quite the bad ass, then he goes all wangsty about how he used to get bullied in school? He’s a fucking secret agent!

You really start to overuse semicolons. Do you know how many you have in chapter two alone? One hundred and fucking two. These lil buggers are to be used ever so slightly more judiciously, or they lose their impact. What is their impact? Stringing two independent clauses, while showing their relation. Tis a subtle game, like wine and cheese. Stop drowning in wine and choking to death on all the cheese.
>Incidentally, do you like Havarti? I fucking LOVE Havarti.

Awww shit, Dew wants to ride Autumn’s bone.

Interesting play- the whole lifemate thing. I’m getting the feeling you’re playing that with a heavier significance than we would marriage. Like a… elven thing, or some such.

The ESS is feeling more and more amateurish as this moves on, and that in turn seems to weaken the whole of the tale. 18 agents go rogue, and with the exception of one don’t even know the pony on any personal basis they’re doing it for, nor the details of their mission and its importance. I think at least a degree of this could be addressed if you gave a bit of insight into the qualifications and experience of the other team members. Make this a team of veteran agents, not just a pell-mell assortment of volunteers, as it feels now.

Something else has been nagging at me, and it just came clear- The threat of the dogs and three shamans. You’ve denoted this to be at a level of national security. Yet here your group is, and your now MC OC, whose primary interest seems to be the rescue of a single pegasus mare. I mean, compassion, sure. But priorities seem to be out of order here.

CH 3—

I’m liking your intellectual exploration of the more subtle and varied applications of magic use. I’m hoping the flash-communication thing is only the start of that.

These constant allusion to “THE PLAN” are getting a bit tedious.

Autumn is a fair tactician, but a terrible strategist. Worse, none of his companions are even up to his skill level. He allows sentimentality to win the argument over Sly’s corpse. Foolish thing to do.

You’re extremely inconsistent in capitalizing Dogs.

This chapter seems to serve little purpose, as the majority of it consists of Autumn’s group waiting around the cave entrance, with only the addition of us finding out Golden dispatched an unknown number of pegasi of his own to the scene.

Given your previous elucidation on magical application, I’m struggling to understand why the concept of a magic-nullification field is so difficult a concept for your characters to hypothesize.

I’m now sensing a plot to overthrow the Princess, in the context of Celina’s thoughts regarding Golden, utilizing the Dog army.

And there we conclude chapters one through three. Again, I'm rather enjoying this, and look forward to concluding. Till then.

>>104121 Apologies to >>103989, but you just got queue-jumped because of relative length. 40,000 words is a lot of damn words to read in one sitting.

>I would have to go with [Sad], but more [Realistic Sad]
All [Sad] should be [Realistic Sad], otherwise how are you going to get your audience / readers to feel anything for your characters? The [Contrived, Fake Sad] stories are the ones that suck.

Anyhoo...

Plot Summary
Rainbow Dash got picked for the National Weather Service, which is based out of Cloudsdale. Ergo, she has to choose: friends/life in Ponyville, or friends/life in Cloudsdale.


Critiques
I left some notes in the document; if they're not random stupidity (reviewers have to have fun, too), try to address them. Your indentation on that list is still wonky; for all bullet points, the first line should have a "hanging indent," where every line UNDER it is indented but it, itself, is not indented.

Anyhoo, moving on to overarching issues: your grammar was decent enough that I didn't notice anything out-of-the-ordinary, but then again, that's not my specialty.

My main issue I have with this story is with how the ponies feel out-of-character. I mean... it's a "three years later" story, so there's some leeway, but at the same time, it kind of leaves a gap between the canon personalities and your personalities which I don't think was adequately filled. You had the flashback with Twilight, explaining the books for Dash, but that came a little too late in my opinion. All in all, Dash feels okay if you bring that exposition earlier, but my main concern is Fluttershy.

When did she get hollow? Fluttershy really feels... almost like she's had a mild case of PTSD or something. She's older as a character, and a little more outgoing, but she really reads flat and, for lack of a better term, "different."

I already told you about the weird... kissing stuff, and the ambiguity problems at the end of the chapter. I'll definitely reiterate, though, that Dash feels like an emotionally abusive boyfriend because really, she'd wear the pants in that relationship or however lesbians work in the scene where she visits Fluttershy late at night, asks pushy questions, then clams up, seemingly purposefully to inspire worry from Fluttershy. All in all, that scene felt rushed, had dark implications, and I'd definitely consider making Dash feel less like Gilda in that scene.

The next order of business is that there were a few points in this story that didn't quite feel like they meshed with canon. "Dash the Bookworm," you addressed, eventually, so really, I'm just concerned with how Dash went from "Me being awesome->Single event->The Wonderbolts" (her modus operandi in the show) to "Me being awesome->Career Path->The Wonderbolts." Like, that was never really addressed in the show, so why is the Equestrian Weather Service now her best shot for the Wonderbolts?

It'd probably show a good deal of growth, if you had Dash mention how she wanted to do things the right way after "enough rejections and/or broken wings." You know, like an adult realizing they have to work for a goal instead of popping in, being a hero, and winning the position.


So, that's pretty much all I've got. This was a decent first attempt, but it's still pretty rough, but the emotions are at least based in reality, if not poignant.

I wish you good luck in your writing.

If you want to break it up and just give me Chapter-by-Chapter reviews when you have a chance I'm fine with that.

I also just finished writing Chapter 7 which is 9,457 words, (56,053 total) but I have that submitted to TTG.

>>104386

First of all, let me apologize for keeping you up until 5 AM last night talking about your review. I've thought of a couple more things, but at least you get to respond at your own leisure, eh?

Thank you for your review. Like I said in our chat, shipping was NOT my intention, so I'll have to tone that down a little bit, and make it more clear that Dash's visit was born out of loneliness and an urge to just talk to somepony, with no romance involved.

As far as Dash showing up and asking pushy questions and then clamming up, I guess that was my way of trying to have her be in character. As I said in our chat, she kinda rushes to Fluttershy's house without thinking, so I like to think that her clamming up means she's realizing just how aggressive she's being, and she's trying to correct. Like you said, though, I need to make it clear that her minor outburst stems from Dash's concerns that it's HER fault Fluttershy became a vet. Since it was a spontaneous visit, it was sorta my intention for the scene to be slightly rushed and a bit awkward, especially since I feel Dash is a pony who doesn't have much experience talking about her feelings. I have no idea if that's a legitimate excuse, or if I'm just trying to justify poor writing.

You also raise a good point with me needing to explain how Dash realized how she needs to work towards her goal. Right now, I don't want to give everything away in the first chapter, but I could have a brief mentioning of her attitude shift, then go into more detail in later chapters.

Okay, now a few brief questions to wrap things up.

When you say the story is pretty rough, do you envision a large overhaul? Or just ironing out the issues you mentioned?

Did the execution of the concept seem refreshing at all? I didn't want to write a "OMG Dash is a Wonderbolt now!" fic, I wanted to write one more grounded in reality. She's not given a spot in a Wonderbolts, she has to work for it, and even getting picked for the Equestria Weather Team doesn't make that guaranteed, much like how nothing in life is guaranteed, no matter how hard you work.

Finally, after I fix the issues you mentioned, do you think I could ship this off to EqD with just one chapter so far? Or would it be best to write another?

Again, thanks for your help.

>>104416
>When you say the story is pretty rough, do you envision a large overhaul? Or just ironing out the issues you mentioned?
For better or worse, you try to tell the story actively, even if that means you miss a few key details here and there. My "issues," therefore, kind of imply a major-ish overhaul in that you're fixing the two characterizations of the two characters, especially in the main dialogue/interaction scene of this story. You're also editing the ending... so, your questions aren't really mutually exclusive.

>Did the execution of the concept seem refreshing at all? I didn't want to write a "OMG Dash is a Wonderbolt now!" fic, I wanted to write one more grounded in reality.
Refreshing? Sure, I mean, it's not overly vapid and it is realistic enough, minus some emotional hang-ups (stuff I've mentioned), so it's fine "on its own" as it were.

>Finally, after I fix the issues you mentioned, do you think I could ship this off to EqD with just one chapter so far? Or would it be best to write another?
There's too many changes afoot in order for me to make that call entirely. I'd probably run it through some more willing reviewers, but then again, I'm more of a perfectionist than anything.

>>104525
>For better or worse, you try to tell the story actively, even if that means you miss a few key details here and there. My "issues," therefore, kind of imply a major-ish overhaul in that you're fixing the two characterizations of the two characters, especially in the main dialogue/interaction scene of this story. You're also editing the ending... so, your questions aren't really mutually exclusive.

Well, I don't really consider that a major overhaul. I consider a major overhaul to be lots of rewriting (which I don't THINK I have to do, just add in some bits to fix the details and characterization and do a bit of rewriting, but we'll see).

Hi! I wrote a thing, and even though it's been accepted by Equestria Daily I really want to make it a better thing. You guys seem good at that.

Title: The L Words
Tags: Dark, Sad (shading more to sad as time goes on)
Synopsis: Twilight is suffering from chronic nightmares. There's a reason for this. It ain't a nice one.
Word Count: Current estimate is ~20k words, because FiMFiction doesn't count things right sometimes.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4117/The-L-Words

Known Issues:-
1: The first chapter is too short. I know. It's also confusing to read. I don't know how to fix this. Help would be appreciated.
2: Occasional typos. I don't catch everything.
3: AJ's actions in the second chapter. I know it takes too much of a logical leap to do what she does, but I don't know how to fix it without buggering up the chapter's pacing.
4: I use a lot of British references and language. I am British. The doctors say it's incurable. Sadface.

I'd really appreciate you looking at this. I know it's a bit long, but I've seen what you do with these and I think you could really help me iron out the flaws.

>>104589
This sounds right up my alley. Claimed.

>fuck you insomnia

>>104590
*flutteryay*

Title: I Dream of Pinkie
Genres: Comedy, Random, Slice-of-life, one-shot
Synopsis: Sleep. Peaceful, calm, and absolutely nuts. When Pinkie, with the help of Pinkie, launches herself out of a cannon, she unleashes herself onto the dreams of all the other residents of Ponyville. It's going to be very long night.
Word Count: 6,020
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28462/I-Dream-of-Pinkie

Oh, while I remember, it's not finished. What I've written so far basically amounts to Act One, if I had to put a name to it. And I really tried for it not to be gory but there are many, MANY references to off-camera gore. Sort of how it works.

Hello again. I did as you asked, and ran this by Professor Hugbox, who responded here: >>104580. He said it was almost ready for EqD, but I need a sharp eye to make sure it's just right.

Title: "The Savage Way"
[Adventure][Sci-Fi][Human]
Synopsis: A disaster at sea strands Caramel on an island with one other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together, but Caramel's new friend may not be as benevolent as he seems.
Word Count: 5127
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b9hlmckdYoweAGLxhx_ypKKZoqmnO-8EFFvLrpUJcxk/edit?pli=1

Thanks.

Title: Ideas Live On
Genre Tags: [Adventure][Sci-fi]
Synopsis: The ancient past of Equestria has always been shrouded in mystery; even the claims from the Princesses don't seem to be consistent with the evidence. The key to the past resides in a map found by a Professor Sparks of Canterlot University; a map of a foreign land called "The United States of America".
Word Count: Prologue: 1067
Chapter 1: 10356
Link: Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vsdQP746MCwnZdzPKwf74iwuZxB7nibXmIVCxJ3NB2E/edit
Chaper 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_e38lqCLpXNtdNaL7hdXHved0IIfE93rQj4KpjOoaE/edit

Basically, it's a continuation of my grande vision(tm) of a pony allegory alternate universe history of our history and how it turns into Equestria. Grande plan(tm) doc with terrible hand-written maps! is here, in case you want to know how things fit in to the scheme: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qGxT4ZQ16LzgQ5S7QCk71qPFQbS4BL0-UaNuEKMf-mg/edit

I'd like Seattle to handle this one, please.

In addition, I've been making attempts to improve my writing style, so I have a few questions I'd like to have answered as part of the review:
How was the pacing? Was it too fast? Too slow?
Did you feel like you were drowned in exposition? Was there not enough explanation?
How was the dialogue? Was it stilted?
How good were the descriptions? Were they out of place? Too purple?

Thank you in advance.

>>104589
Right then, jumping right in.

Concern 1)
Initial chapter is short and confusing.
Firsty, the opening chapter is not too short. It’s a hook. Hooks should be streamlined, and that’s what you need to focus on. You need to draw every piece of what you’re willing to reveal at this point in time into as crystal-clear a light as you can.
Which leads us into the ‘confusion’ concern, which your opening line obliquely addresses quite elegantly; specifically, that it demonstrates purpleasfuck syndrome. It’s no wonder that-
>Celestia's sun skittered across the floor of the bedroom like a kitten on a wet floor and alighted gently upon Twilight's eyes.
has some people going cross-eyed. The sun is rising, it’s light falling through her window to move across the floor, eventually reaching her bed and triggering her episode. Phrase it as such.

In the tally records of her physical trauma, I suggest trimming down on the “new” section numbers. I mean, 48 new bruises overnight? That one’s a stretch.

Instead of frothing at the mouth, or in addition to it, have her go into convolutions. Siezures are srs bsns.

Lot of superfluous/redundant narration. EG - “Twilight's sleeping form” - Just go with Twilight.

Initial impression of AJ’s accent in ch1 is that you’re overdoing it. Let’s see if this carries on into two.

CH2-

You need to be more straightforward in Twilight’s attempts to cover her pain with replacement affectations. For instance-
>Twilight had rocked back on her hooves slightly, feeling the blast of pain from them, and giggled to herself.
renders more a sense of ‘wtf’ than an understanding of what she’s trying to do.

Yeah. AJ’s accent is incredibly overdone. Think Texan, not Appellation.

>Apple-*snff* Applejack.
Don’t do this. An action as shown above calls for a proper dialogue tag sequence showing her stifling a sob or wiping her eyes, or some such similar thing.

There are a lot of descriptive lines that fall short of a proper Show. Prime example-
>Rainbow Dash's disposition was perky but tired-looking
Does she have bags under her eyes? Are her wings up, is she well-balanced or sagging? Etc.

A lot of your analogies just feel unnecessary, rendering the exposition and narrative more cumbersome than it would otherwise be. Take this for example-
>like a comet made of Battenburg cake
If your reader doesn’t know what Battenburg cake is, or looks like, it breaks the flow of the story while they ponder just wtf you’re talking about.
Along similar lines, your choice of sentence structure often results in extraneous words that muddle what should be a smooth flow of description and action. Take a look at-
>from the speed Fluttershy had moved at.
What’s the purpose of “had moved at”? Would it not be more direct, more clear, and more fluid to simply say something akin to “Fluttershy’s speed”, or, if you want to give situational context- “Futtershy’s dash through the room”. While ending sentences with a preposition is not a hard and fast rule, it most often does more damage than good.

>"What?" Asked
lower case “asked”

>Rainbow Dash's confused tone was cut off almost instantly.
Her “tone” isn’t cut off, her sentence is. Work on keeping these matters properly differentiated.

>Ah bucked 'er solid, right in the gut
What? At no point is this clear, going back over the opening sequence. It simply doesn’t fit, as you have Twi react to and acknowledge AJ stepping on her hooves.
I imagine this is the “AJ action” you denote as your second concern. If so, I’ll be coming back to this, because yes, it’s hella OOC.

>throughout proceedings
the

Seriously man, AJ’s accent is just atrocious, and Rainbow’s reaction to AJ’s spiel is somewhat overblown. I mean, sure, her concerns are troubling, but enough to warrant Dash going “deathly pale” and letting her plate shatter on the ground? No.

>"don't
caps
>"... don't wanna. hurts."
And again. Okay, I get you’re going for a weakened state here, but portray it properly either by narration of perhaps even a different font size. Not by ignoring grammatical rule.

Interesting thing you’ve got going here, that I think deserves more attention- the role reversal between Spike and Twilight. You should play up the evolution of his paternal behavior more- it’s an engaging concept.

>Further AJ shenanigans.
Yeah, there’s absolutely no justification for AJ initially pinning Twi into the wall like this, an then slamming her against it repeatedly. If you want to have this scene fly, you’re going to have to do a LOT of work with AJ earlier on, creating some device that would set her off like this, then have Twilight do something along the lines of resisting or insulting her, and THEN you’d have to account for why all the others are just standing there a-okay with AJ hammering Twilight (whom they all believe to be addicted to painkillers) into a fucking wall. Sorry mate, but this is a GAPING hole that’s not going to go away nor be overlooked.
Oh. And then she knocks Spike the fuck out. What the hay man?

>her mane still perfectly ramrod-straight gold and her coat the very brightest silver.
You seem to be getting your descriptors scrambled here.

Aaaaand intro to you big bad.

CH3-

Huh. That’s one fucking hell of a spell mate. Just basically erasing Twilight’s existence from the minds and memories of her friends? Maaaaaaybe I could swallow that, but the princesses? Eeenope. Let’s see how you play this.

>good-for-noth
ing?

>of the sive of them.
these little things are getting more frequent as we go on. Oh, wait, what. You did that on purpose? That one goes right over my head.

>Rarity sashayed through the door of Sugarcube Corner and planting herself at a nearby table.
yes? and planting herself at a nearby table… did what? Either complete the sentence or change the tense.

Okay, I dig how Pinkie’s the only one who knows Twilight has been Git-Mo’d, but you contradict yourself here
>over the weeks and months since Twilight's incarceration
as you say just a few paragraphs back that it’s been “three weeks”

I’m really not feeling Dash’s characterization either man, I’m sorry to say.

Yeah, I’m not even going to attempt to decipher what the hay Fluttershy-on-crack is trying to say, so I hope there’s nothing important in that big-ass ramble. Might wanna consider re-working that.

>She'd got good
ugh

Whoa, and Derpy has two daughters out of nowhere. aaaaand you’re shipping Dinky and Applebloom? Okaaaayyy.

>yelled the usual "We're closed
missing comma

Alright mate, I’m letting this go here. You’ve got a HELL of a lot to address up to this point, and I canna see continuing along these lines unless you intend to do something about it all. Your third noted concern is recursive to the larger issues at hand- namely, that you have your intentions with how things are going to go down, but you simply don’t have strong enough devices to allow for that all-important suspension of disbelief to carry the day. You also REALLY need to take a long look at your characterization. You can have anypony act anyway you want, but it takes a great deal of plausible and well-founded evolution to get that character from point A, which is their largely-accepted canon personalities, to point B, which is wherever the hell you want to go. But again, I’d say you need to thoroughly examine point A, because it doesn’t feel like you have a very good internal grasp on any of the main cast.
This beast is going to take a considerable amount of work, and if it’s not a labor of love for you, then I can’t see it being worth your time. If it IS, then I strongly suggest you pick up someone to work through the piece with you, chapter by chapter, for a series of in-doc brainstorming sessions. Bouncing ideas back and forth can be a priceless thing for the creative process.
Cheers, and keep writing.

>>104675
Drrrrrromer! Shit man, it's good to see ya. I'll get on this soon as I'm able. Cheers!

Thanks for the feedback! Maybe the EQD pre-readers' standards are slipping. Oh well, I can always ask them...

>>104723
If Seattle shot down problems with your story, I don't think you're going to do any better with the prereaders.

>>104724
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/story-l-words.html

>>104725
Huh, it's already live. Oh, well, 3.5 stars.

>>104598
Plot Summary
You, uh... you really took that episode of Spongebob to heart, didn't you?

Critiques
You've got some problems with the exposition and pacing in this story. What this means is that, basically, you're not describing the events or actions or settings well enough, and that leads to a very rushed-feeling story where I had to reread a few scenes to be 100% sure what was going on in them. I'm still, after reading this, not entirely sure of what Pinkie's motivation for dream-jumping was: did she want company, or did she want to give everyone candy? This is a problem because at the end of the story, you attempt to have some sort of moral, but I don't know why Pinkie was doing "wrong" in the first place.

Furthermore, was Lyra even in the final scene? If not, I'd really omit her part as (a) it's almost a 1:1 ripoff of Squidward's scene from the Spongebob Squarepants episode that you took this entire premise and idea and moral from (which is just laziness compounded); (b) it isn't really necessary to the plot and (c) like... two seasons in, now, and Lyra still hasn't spoken, let alone hung out with the main six. This story works as a ripoff of the Spongebob episode, but if you're going for the crossover route, I'd probably want to stick with the main six (well, the other five) as target "dreams." Lyra just seems out of place.

Moving on... I'm not really sure what we, as an audience, were supposed to take from this story. There's a lesson, I guess, but there was no difficulty or conflict that happened to Pinkie Pie for her to actually work to earn it so, really, it feels tacked-on. This probably goes with the fact that I have no idea why she was dream-jumping in the first place, but really, if you want to have someone learn a lesson, chances are, you need them to come to the conclusion that they need to learn a lesson for it to be effective. There wasn't a lot of real, actual conflict in this story.

And in terms of depth, Applejack's, Dash's, and Rarity's dreams all felt rushed, to the point where your gag about "Rarity has sexy dreams" fell somewhat flat. I think that Rarity's bit, especially, could've been expanded on (in a PG-manner, mind you) of all the sights leading up to what's happening to Rarity, and then the cutaway... but either way, that joke definitely needed more of a buildup. Hence, pacing issues.

And, that's all I've got for this. I wish you good luck.


Queue
>>104671
>>103989

>Generally you only place commas before conjunctions if it’s a serial comma.

From Chicago 16th ed.
=
6.28 Commas with independent clauses joined by conjunctions
When independent clauses are joined by and, but or, so, yet, or any other conjunction, a comma usually precedes the conjunction. If the clauses are very short and closely connected, the comma may be omitted unless the clauses are part of a series.
==

Oxford is more enthusiastic about omitting the comma but less specific.

Wings house-style (new. I used to be super-Americans with a shit-ton of commas. Thanks to PR Grump for inspiring the change):
==
i-clauses in coordination

- Without a coordinating conjunction.
-- In sequence: sentence break -- He opened the box. Inside, three pearls shone on black velvet.
-- Following a generalization with detail: colon -- Today, thought Twilight, was a good day for re-shelving: it was too darn cold and rainy for anything else.
-- In apposition (showing one thing from multiple perspectives): semicolon -- Chatting ponies milled about the town square; you could cut their excitement with a knife, but Pinkie wasn't going to try that. She'd get excitement all over the place and it'd be a real pain in the dock to clean it up.
-- In rhetorical asyndeton: comma -- The vase fell, shattered on the cobblestones, I was so fucked.

- With a coordinating conjunction
-- In sequence of three or more: commas (optional semicolons for clarity) -- You're the genius here, I just follow the rules, and Pinkie -- your guess is as good as mine is with her.
-- Immediately following coordinated phrases: comma -- I like tea with milk and sugar, and I drink it every day.
-- Introducing an i-clause following a unrelated subordinate clause* -- I found the button he was talking about, and pressed it.
-- Before a subordinate clause that modifies the upcoming i-clause -- See that you learn the rules well, and when you do, do not ever deviate from them.
--- Even when the sub-clause isn't set off by commas -- The tower creaked, and as it fell I could only watch in horrified fascination.

(*Note that Wings' definition of "clause" is probably broader than what you learned in school.)

-- with a break in sequence of thought: sentence break or em-dash or commas (in order of decreasing strength

0 I saw it every day. And it happened all summer long.
0 Well, yes, maybe. Maybe it is to spicy - but we're missing the real issue here, guys! The frosting is the wrong color.
0 I turned back to my table, and a train whistle blew.

-- Immediately between two i-clauses without change in topic: word break. -- She threw her arm around my shoulder and we walked down the prison steps, together.
==

That's why style guides don't give detailed rules. It's very easy to wander off into the weeds and ID grammatical features, and establishing consistent rules is not easy. I just happen to be a nerd when it comes to this stuff.

Back on point: American and non-fiction styles tend to like more commas. British and fiction use less.

From Real, Published Literature (The Magicians by Lev Grossman) (American publisher, Penguin Plume, and author)
=
Quentin did a magic trick. Nobody noticed.
They picked their way along the cold, uneven sidewalk together: James, Julia, and Quentin. James and Julia held hands. That's how things were now. The sidewalk wasn't quite wide enough, so Quentin trailed after them, like a sulky child. He would rather have been alone with Julia, or just alone period, but you couldn't have everything. Or at least the available evidence pointed overwhelmingly to that conclusion.
=

The comma in question is in bold. In dialog on the same page a comma is omitted.

=
"Nice firm handshake. Lots of eye contact. Then when he's feeling comfortable, you hit him with a chair and I'll break his password and e-mail Princeton."
=

My point is that styles vary. There's nothing wrong with criticizing style from an aesthetic standpoint but let's not forget that there is in fact a lot of aesthetics in there and not just solid rules.

>>104729
Oh, you surely jest, everyone knows stars don't matter in EqD anymore.

>>104734
Thanks for dropping that in Eustatian! I appreciate the clarification and then some. I'm also quite pleased to have nearly an entire section of the CMS in my thread.

As an aside, I'm seriously contemplating just getting a subscription...

>>103908

CH 4-

Picking up on some odd notations here and there-
>”Hooooo...
>"He came d-own

I find the angle you’re playing pretty fascinating- How the pegasus mare is more a prized vessel to the shamans than having any value as a living person in her own right.

>wormed it's way
its

>The memory hung in the air like dark prophecy.
a

> Clear skies
Forgot to cap her last name

I’m rather enjoying the tension you’re creating, having each of the incursion teams come to their individual realizations that the tables have turned.

>mana
Awww man. And you were doing so well up to this point without stooping to drop a catch-all like this!

This whole situation is a bubbling cauldron under cap, and I can’t wait to see it explode.

And the plot thickens. The few comments of note left in-doc.

CH5-

While I’m enjoying the unfolding events, and we’re finally getting to know Clear Skies as a character… I’m not sure why, but at this point she’s feeling too reactionary to get any real glimpse behind this pregnant mare who by all rights should be PTSD up the ass. I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of person she develops into.

That there was a rousing talking-to that Autumn gave to Clear Skies. Well done on that note mate.

Question- why didn’t the unicorns enchant a cloud for the others to be able to ride on so the pegasi could pull them in turns? Seems like that would have been a lot easier than attempting group teleportation.

Huh. Autumn’s red eye thing is an ability?? Iiiiiinteresting.

> "Because I want to see you fly."
And then the sun came out from behind the clouds, the birds starting chirping, and the everypony in the streets burst into spontaneous choreographed songs.

And Clear Skies world is broken. There’s quite the dramatic shift of thematic emphasis going on here. You’ve dismissed the potential for a “dog uprising” and the looming threat that entailed, and are shifting gears toward… something else. Given the tone of your story up to this point, I hardly think you’ll settle for something as vanilla as “Clear Skies and Autumn get together” as a primary focus… hmm. My suspicions lead me to suspect you’re transitioning into a “conspiracy” thing. I further suspect Clear Skies did indeed have an Alicorn (note the spelling :P ) and the Agency secreted her/him away. Though if you do go that route, know that it treads some veeeery shaky ground and pushes any readers’ SoD. Of course, I’m just hypothesizing here.
>"He's been declared a traitor!"
Saw that coming, and it’s another hook to continuing the engaging and exciting tale you’re weaving. I’m quite looking forward to the next chapter!

Cheers, and Keep Writing!

>>103989

Sup.

Just dropping in to let you know I've made some revisions to Chapter 1 on my own. I've been working on my SvT, and I went through and found a whole slew of it. I'm in the middle of writing Chapter 8 atm so I haven't had a chance to go through the rest of the story, but I'd bet Chaps. 2-4 are pretty guilty of it as well.

Also, the second scene in Chap 5 (with Pinkie, Ras, and Vigil) is terrible and I need to rewrite it. I plan to next week.

Incidentally, weak responses to reviews tike this
>>104723
will get you blacklisted ITT. This is not TTG, an I don't spend an hour or more reading your story and contemplating your concerns for
>review acknowledged, kthxbai.
crap. Things like this are one of drunk Seattle's pet-peeves, an seeing how prevalent such a thing became in TTG irritated him immensely, as it seemed to indicate a lack of appreciation for rare free time spent in service to another's work and improvement.

Hey, you two. Hope you don't mind me requesting another review so soon. It's just something I wrote over the past couple days, and it's nice and short.

Title: Waiting
Synopsis: Immortality doesn't just mean losing every pony close to you. It also means watching the world crumble to dust.
Tags: [Sad] [Dark?]
Word Count: 2227
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MIyIHD1tc9Bnl-AFucZsL7BPkcKghDDV7FPaj9nbFs0/edit

I wanted to drop this off here because I'm hoping you won't mind me asking if the content/concept of this story is EqD material. It is certainly a different story, although I honestly have no idea if something like this has been done before.

Thanks!

>>104972
Too short for EqD.

>>104974

I think this is a fic I could get above 2500 words without useless padding. Expanding it, if you will.

>>104675
… God damnit Dromer. You DO realize I’m about to break my only rule here, right? Why must you inflict Humans on me Dromer?! Wrrryyyyyy.

…Wait. So… this not a PoE fic, nor a HiE fic… this… this is an “Equestria IS Earth fic”? And there are no humans? None at all? Promise? Okay… here we go then.

Hmm. Actually, given your concerns are so well-thought-out and specific, I’m going to address them primarily, and forego my usual SoC through the chapters. Do still look for notations in-doc.

So, your concerns addressed in order
Number One:
>How was the pacing? Was it too fast? Too slow?
——

The Prologue was an excellently paced hook. Engaging, enigmatic, and action-oriented. The first chapter hit the brakes hard; you’re throwing in a lot of backstory, but that wasn’t the issue. The pacing suffers due to the extraordinary amount of (admittedly good, but still over-abundant) exposition and description. All the while you’re attempting to overlay it with a feel of “starting a great adventure”, but it tends to drag. I suggest a good deal of streamlining in chapter one, which I’ll get into below.


Number Two:
>Did you feel like you were drowned in exposition? Was there not enough explanation?
——

>>concrete cubes with doors suspended on massive, rusted springs
I just canna, for the life of me, properly picture this. wtf?

>Black wires crossed the floor, covering it in a strange darkness that defied the light of the floodlamps set up to illuminate the makeshift boards that covered the wires,
So you’re saying here that black wires cross the floor forming “a strange darkness”… and then tell us that the wires are covered my plywood.

> Spitfire’s mind tripped on her name.
Clarify this. either with ellipses after 'celetia', or by repeating the name. As it stands, it reads like she could be referencing herself.

>The blue light from the machine faded for a moment.
This is pretty truncated, as happens occasionally.

In the prologue, at the end, where Spitfire is loosing her memories and sense of self, I suggest you delineate her “wrong” thoughts versus her actual-self thoughts, and I suggest you do it visibly, perhaps in italics or even carriage returns with a different style of text.

>The block in her memory seemed to deteriorate.
Just, out of nowhere? A memory-block that she’s had for her entire life just “seemed to deteriorate”? You have to lead into this better, give it more justification.

PLEASE go back and fix every sentence that begins with a conjunction. Cherries an shit.

Exposition starts to drag in the Library scene. I suggest trimming down on her perusal of titles and streamlining that segment overall.
Same goes for Sparks going through the University. The information is all well-told, but the bulk of it is something that we’ll not likely be returning to, and as such there’s no need to wax so heavily upon it.
Conversely, the expo in Spitfire’s office seems truncated.



Number Three:
>How was the dialogue? Was it stilted?
——

>“Spitfire, you know your orders.” The unicorn began charging a spell, creating a dashing red counterpoint to the cool blue of the rings. “Don’t make this happen.”
This actually comes off as though he’s telling her to NOT do whatever thing he’s sending her to do. Calls for rephrasing.

The dialogue seems considerably lacking between Spitfire and Sparks when she decides to sponsor his expedition (something I didn’t even see as an option previously). Too much acceptance too easily from both parties.
Quite a similar issue with the exchange between Sparks and Star later in the chapter.

Nearing the end of the first chapter, and I can’t help but note that your ratio of exposition to dialogue is something on the order of 10 to 1, if not more severe.

Stilted dialogue. The only *real* instance of this I found was at the end, with Celestia. The oddity of the dialogue felt a direct result from Celestia’s characterization. Something feels odd about how she’s coming across, and it’s difficult to put a finger on it. She’s acting shady, but that I feel is intentional. It’s really more the interaction between her and the others that’s coming off odd, both in her spoken phrases and her internal reactions. Perhaps a bit of this is coming from the overly familiar tones Spitfire is taking with her, I dunno exactly.

On a tangent, Spitfire’s sudden reveal of her visions, and everypony (especially Celestia) just taking it in stride, feels awkward and somewhat forced. This carries on with Soarin’s sudden reversal and decision to go. The entire scene just seems to lack an immersive flow.

In summary, exposition is definitely your stronger suite. I suggest when you tag dialogue, throw in more emotion, more correlating action to back it up, so it doesn’t just stand on its own, and thus seem occasionally disjointed.



Number Four:
>How good were the descriptions? Were they out of place? Too purple?
——

>Spitfire opened the door, and immediately noticed the massive steel contraption laying in the middle of the room.
‘immediately noticed’ comes across poorly, as the assumption is that Spitfire knows where she’s going, and is familiar with this lab. Unless the contraption is a new addition, rephrase this to better suit the context. Perhaps
>As soon as she stepped through the door, her attention, as always, was drawn to…

>The flashes of light called out to her, silently asking Spitfire to forget everything.
I have an issue with this sequence, in that you’re using Spitfire’s experience too personally. It’s as if you’re giving the process itself a characterization. Either make it entirely objective, or entirely personal. The mix is pretty disconcerting.

>the tiny tan brown
the stacked descriptors here are redundant. go with ‘tan’ or ‘brown’.

>Sparks broke eye contact first.
I’d expand this a bit.

>Her voice was not as steady as she would have liked. It was clear she was tired of Sparks and his protests.
This too is a bit truncated and overly Tell.

>The massive doors opened to let Sparks out, which he did at a reluctant pace,
Same here, and awkwardly phrased.

>a yellow-red pegasus
This needs clarification. Is her coat and odd mixture of the colors, or does she have a red coat and yellow mane? While you *do* clarify this later, it’s best to not start off on such discordant lines.

> the awkwardly stoic guards
make it clear that it’s *their* stoicism that’s making *him* uncomfortable.

Try throwing in the occasional pronoun for your MC mate.

There *are* certain incidents of overly purple exposition, an example below for your consideration.
>casting a prismatic spray on the cobbled ground
Still, aside from the occasional stacked descriptor, I’m not seeing anything too objectionable along these lines.

Incidentally, for the flashback in Ch1, excellent use of third person limited from Soarin’s perspective.


Summary
Okay, having looked over your outline doc, color me seriously impressed in regards to the forethought and sheer scope that you intend to drop into this story. This is… an ambitious undertaking, to say the very least. Makes me wonder just how long you’ve had this under your hat mate. In any case, specific notations have been left in-doc, and… frankly, considering the breadth of this thing as a whole, I’m left wondering if anything I’ve had to say above is any more useful to you than a drop in a bucket. I’m actually having to limit my speculations here, because any questions I have would open such a time-consuming discussion that I… well, just don’t have time for, heh. Regardless, best of luck with this epic saga, and I look forward to watching this unfold.

Cheers mate, keep writing.

>>104375
>>104750
Yay! Reviews!

>Just one question- why do you have an AN section with nothing there?
Well, see, there was something there, but it was, essentially, me trying to justify my fanfic to the masses. It has been removed, but I do not expect to go without, at least, some notes. I'm thinking that my first one may very well be:
Alicorn (n): The horn of a unicorn.
Alacorn (n): Derived from Latin; "Ala" meaning "wing," and "corn" meaning "horn." (see what I did there?)
...and other things besides, as they come up.

>It’s unclear what Sly’s illusion spell is actually doing, considering the pair are already covered head-to-hoof in camo.
Relic, I'm afraid, of the old editions before I gave them camo. Will have to try and give it a good excuse.

>If I may say, you’re setting off too many warning signs with Golden Lock too quickly. Unless you want the thing to be obvious from the get-go.
I agree. In my initial head-draft, I really didn't care about showing off the villain. Now, however, I am seriously considering some changes. May not do much, but we will see.

>[Golden Lock and Council]
Yeah...tha's all true. Reasons.

>You build up Autumn to be quite the bad ass, then he goes all wangsty about how he used to get bullied in school? He’s a fucking secret agent!
I understand, but I cannot let this scene go. I have reasons, aside from Autumn not actually being that much of a badass. They follow:
First, and most obvious, it reveals a part of Autumn's history. While this may seem innocuous at first, this is, in point of fact, a pivotal point in his past, and will be touched upon later. The other three or four points are more subtle, but equally important. Obviously, I don't expect everyone to get them right away, but they are there for the careful observer.

>Semicolons
In defense of Semicolons:

I will admit I abuse semicolons, but only because they are so useful. As you say, they string together independent clauses while showing a relation; much like any other conjunctions (and, but, or, so...you know the list). Most people see them as an alien species of grace and beauty, only to be approached with care and caution, but they are a strong punctuation, and I revel in their use! Yes, I may choke on the cheese a bit, but, damnit, I love Havarti. And Swiss. And Gouda. And Brie. And Bleu. And Feta. And Cheddar. And any variety of Jack. And Colby. And Provolone. And- I think I'll move on.

>Awww shit, Dew wants to ride Autumn’s bone.
Wait, what? Where?

>The ESS is feeling more and more amateurish as this moves on...
Damnit.

>National security; primary interest seems to be the rescue of a single pegasus mare.
Damnit. Will alter.

>Autumn is a fair tactician, but a terrible strategist. Worse, none of his companions are even up to his skill level.
Damnit. Will address.

>You’re extremely inconsistent in capitalizing Dogs.
Again, relic from older editions. I capitalized Pegasus, Earth, Unicorn, and Dog. Was given a talking-to, changed it, and now there are those annoying pop-ups.

>I’m now sensing a plot to overthrow the Princess, in the context of Celina’s thoughts regarding Golden, utilizing the Dog army.
Really? How interesting.

>>mana
>Awww man. And you were doing so well up to this point without stooping to drop a catch-all like this!
My apologies, but this is how I think of magic. It isn't like I'm trying to shore up a leaking vessel or anything, is just that I honestly think in terms of mana whenever I think of magic.

>I’m not sure why, but at this point she’s feeling too reactionary to get any real glimpse behind this pregnant mare who by all rights should be PTSD up the ass.
Hmmm... I am already in the thought-process of rewriting her perspective, so I shall be sure to see if I can think of any way to address that while...well, we'll see.

>Question- why didn’t the unicorns enchant a cloud for the others to be able to ride on so the pegasi could pull them in turns? Seems like that would have been a lot easier than attempting group teleportation.
Two reasons:
First, I didn't think of that.
Second, Clear Skies isn't flying anywhere anytime soon, and Dew is hella exhausted at this point. It is quite unlikely that she would be able to do much pulling or pushing at any decent rate of speed, and they need to move now.

>Huh. Autumn’s red eye thing is an ability??
I could make it more interesting. I've been debating on four more words that would really make you wonder...

>Given the tone of your story up to this point, I hardly think you’ll settle for something as vanilla as “Clear Skies and Autumn get together” as a primary focus…
If I can help it, there won't be shipping. I do not much care for shipping. Granted, such a thing may end up happening, but not with Clear Skies.

>I’m quite looking forward to the next chapter!
I will take this to mean that you do, indeed, wish to continue as a reviewer of my story. Excellent.
If you wish to opt out, it is too late. I mean, just let me know.

Thanks for the review and stuff! Gives me to think about. And things to alter before the public gets to laugh at me.

Side Note:
One thing that Master Demetrius was (and likely still is) concerned about is the timeline in Chapter four. I understand all the reasons, but I am having some difficulty addressing them. So... do you find it to be a problem? Were you ever disoriented by the less-than-straight line? Did the introduction of four make you feel like I'm letting you down (from that end-of-three cliffhanger)?

>>103989

I've requested the Prologue - Chapter 1 to be reviewed in another thread, as well.

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/105043.html

>>105041

>Alacorn
Yeah, I’m familiar with that usage, having seen it all of once before, but it flies in the face of the vast majority. Then again, you’ve got backing for it via actual language, I just don’t see how it’s something that’s a big enough deal for you to be willing to turn off a fair amount of readers over. Your call.
Oh, in your AN, i suggest something along the lines of “All glory to Demetrius, god among dragon cameos” or some such.

>revisions
This explains a lot. In a massive (or even minor) overhaul, things are inevitably overlooked. Same goes for taking a many-moons hiatus and then coming back to a story that requires a great deal of in-the-moment immersion *cough*.

>Autumn not actually being that much of a badass
I can appreciate that. I simply feel that that is kind of an awkward place to PUT said inference. I mean, it’d be far more fluid to have that come up at any point that ISN’T so much a life or death situation. Why not later, in the camp?

>cheese
Don’t even get me started. I am the greatest fan. There’s a $700 wheel of gouda the size of a tire at the local grocery, and by all gods living and dead, one day it shall be mine.

>Dew wants to ride Autumn’s bone
Just a thing I do. I like to throw out shots in the dark and see what the author gives away.

>I capitalized Pegasus, Earth, Unicorn
I do this too. One of the few things I’ve been fucking stubborn on in my fic, and refuse to budge on.

>red eyes ability
>I've been debating on four more words that would really make you wonder...
Gimme

>I do not much care for shipping.
Ditto on that. When I went on my hiatususus, EQD was on its “every ship fic is automatic five stars”. When I came back, it was “every ship fic gets starbombed”. Weird.

>I will take this to mean that you do, indeed, wish to continue as a reviewer of my story.
I can make no promises, it depends on when you update and submit, but yes, consider me a fan of the story.

I can say I don’t share Dem’s concerns regarding chapter four, and if you’re talking specifically about the jumps from team to team, as I said before, I rather like that.

Cheer mate.

>>105080
I am also, apparently, a fictitious dictionary in Dredgmane.

>>104992
Thanks for the quick review, Seattle. I've run through the comments in-doc and marked any that weren't fixed immediately.

>…Wait. So… this not a PoE fic, nor a HiE fic… this… this is an “Equestria IS Earth fic”? And there are no humans? None at all? Promise?
Ah, therein lies the problem. I've got, at most, a synopsis and a prologue to prevent PoE and HiE haters from hitting on the fic. I'm still working on the synopsis and prologue. Part of me wants to add sections for the U.S. leadership and Russian leadership but that would put a decidedly grimdark spin on things, a spin I'm not entirely sure I want to take yet.

>Exposition starts to drag in the Library scene. I suggest trimming down on her perusal of titles and streamlining that segment overall.
I'll be implementing this tomorrow.

>Same goes for Sparks going through the University. The information is all well-told, but the bulk of it is something that we’ll not likely be returning to, and as such there’s no need to wax so heavily upon it.

This I'm not so sure about. The reason I wrote the University sections is two-fold:
1) To emphasize the differences between the professors. I wanted to avoid the 'meet 5 characters in less than a paragraph' issue, because it places less of an emphasis on the individual characters. Even giving each pony a dedicated paragraph would be much too rapid-fire for my tastes.
2) To establish some sense of personality before the Professors were introduced. Canterlot University's facilities are designed to represent the professors Sparks is going to meet. Here's the character templates and aesthetics I tried to use to evoke character.

Charts: Nerdy, introspective / run-down building with little ornamentation
Monroe: Paternalistic explorer, late-1800s style of bravado / lots of chandeliers and giant, expensive statues
Shooting Star: Self-centered, independent / foggy tower with a lot of special effects
Blue Sky: Engineer, Lancer / Lots of glass and magical effects.

>Conversely, the expo in Spitfire’s office seems truncated.

How so? I could draw out Sparks' reasoning, but it wouldn't really do much in terms of flow or exposition. Spitfire opening a Q and A with Sparks could possibly help, but it may end up causing the story to drag more.

Speaking of which, what were your opinions on the action scene where Sparks rescues Spitfire? Chapter 2 places much more emphasis on action and dialogue so I'd like to know if there was anything wrong in my style of narration.

>>105124

Quite welcome Dromer, no worries.

>that would put a decidedly grimdark spin on things, a spin I'm not entirely sure I want to take yet.
This seems something of an inevitability, given the core concept, so I’m not sure why you seem hesitant about it.

>The reason I wrote the University sections is two-fold:
This I fully get, and you’re doing it right, I’d just say streamline as much as possible, as the expo is fairly heavy. Anything non-essential to reader insight into the character introductions really.

>the expo in Spitfire’s office seems truncated.
>How so?
no no, I mean the exposition seems truncated, not the dialogue. Especially given how you’re using the descriptions of the professors to give us a feel of their characters, and for Spitfire you basically just go, “dusty office, some stuff on a wall”. It’s just a strikingly odd contrast.

>Sparks rescues Spitfire
Honestly, it didn’t read very well, at least as far as what you’re going for. There’s the thematic issue of why it came down to him to help her in the first place, her being in the air with the Bolts an all, but the main thing seemed to have been the lack of intensity, that in-the-moment “oh shit oh shit oh shit” feeling that’s essential to convey in such a scene. It’s delivered too objectively, and is overly cut and dry. Try to make it more visceral and gut-wrenching, both through his perspective via narration.

>>104671
Plot Summary
Caramel and... some generically-named human get shipwrecked, a mildly interesting conflict emerges over G-N Human's ability to eat meat and desperation, then a Deus ex Machina appears, and no one really learns anything.

Critiques
You didn't do a very good job introducing several of the plot elements that are present here: mainly, the characters and the events leading up to the shipwreck. This leads to a very generic story that doesn't feel like it got properly developed past the "concept" phase (which is a good concept, actually, but more on that in a bit), where the plot devices and characters are more like cardboard cutouts that are standing in for the ACTUAL characters. For example, I could substitute Big McIntosh for Caramel, and nothing in this story would change at all. I could substitute "shipwreck" for "trapped in a cellar," and only the rescue scene would need to change. You could change "island" for "desert island," especially given the minimal amount of scene-building that you did, and nothing would change except that Big McIntosh/Caramel/[INSERT HERBIVORE] would be hunger-pained, too.

Moving on, why humans? I've already gone on a little rant in >>103449 about the complexity that humans add to the story and how, if it's not necessary, it can feel tacked-on and "fake." So, that being said, a "shipwreck" that was "the first human/equestrian ship built" isn't really a sufficient reason for having humans, in my opinion. Not when you've got cannon griffins in the show already, who have mythological ties to horses as "enemies," and then you could replace the main characters in this story with Gilda and Rainbow Dash... and holy crap, I like that idea.

Anyway, you need to define your characters a lot more than they are right now. As it stands, your story is about Caramel, who is bored, and a human who... has an impeccable amount of foresight for not getting attached to someone he might have to eat to survive. Without having these characters interact (say, Caramel trying to help Human by gathering berries or whatnot), you're missing out on a huge emotional factor that was largely missing in the final chase scene. I don't know who Caramel is (see, you picked a bland background pony. He's... got a girlfriend and he forgot the seeds for Winter Wrap Up, and that's about all I know about him offhand), so I don't quite care that he's in danger. It sucks, yeah, that he might die, but thousands of other people died in that wreck, so I'm not to plussed about a pony. ALSO, I'm... I'm kind of rooting for the human, all things considered. Racial pride and whatnot (and another reason to omit humans in this).

Also, you seemed to omit the entirety of the shipwreck, or at least, you seemed to be trying to avoid mentioning the circumstances that establish the premise of this story (the shipwreck). How'd it happen? Why'd it happen? When? This would be something that would be on both of the characters' minds, after all, so not having it mentioned really feels out-of-place (and lends to my critique of "doesn't need to be a shipwreck").

Finally, I'm not sure if you're trying to be "artsy" with keeping the human's "true motives" hidden (was he a killer, or not?), but based on his actions, he'd sort of be falling under the archetype of "giving help in the creepiest manner possible," so if you're actually going for ambiguity, you should probably tone down some of his actions' creepiness and then put more focus on Caramel's reactions to them, as he perceives them as sinister.


So, all in all, this was a novel concept that got choked by your execution or lack thereof. I hope this review helped, and I wish you good luck on your revisions.


Queue
>>103989
>>104972 (I'm not technically claiming this, NW, just showing we've only got two un-reviewed stories in heah).

>>105187

Well, I guess I asked for it. But I do take respectful exception to some things...

>generically-named human

I'd have kept him nameless if I could. He's any of us in that situation. How far would you have to be pushed to murder someone for the flesh on their bones? Maybe I should make him more generic...

>Deus ex Machina

All shipwreck stories, with the exception of Castaway, end ex machina. It's the nature of the beast. Actually, I expected you to accuse me of trying to mash up The Back Stallion and Lord of the Flies (I didn't notice the similarities until it was halfway done).

>I could substitute Big McIntosh for Caramel, and nothing in this story would change at all.

I needed somepony chattier than Mac, and who seemed likely to ask awkward questions when he shouldn't. It couldn't be a unicorn, who could fight a human more easily from a distance; or a pegasus, who could fly away. It couldn't be AJ or Pinkie, because we know there's no way they'd take a vacation without bringing somepony along, and putting other cast members on the ship would bloat the story unnecessarily. All this narrows the possibilities right down. Maybe I'll replace him with an OC or something.

>I could substitute "shipwreck" for "trapped in a cellar," and only the rescue scene would need to change.

Cellars aren't large enough for action scenes, nor do they have interesting set pieces. They're easier to escape from, too. I've spent a lot of time on small islands and almost no time in cellars, and it's best to write what you know. Finally, I am unaware of any pony fic involving a shipwreck, which I find ridiculous.

>You could change "island" for "desert island," especially given the minimal amount of scene-building that you did, and nothing would change except that Big McIntosh/Caramel/[INSERT HERBIVORE] would be hunger-pained, too.

But doing so would remove the possibility of envy on the predator's part, removing an aspect of possible resentment alluded to several times. They don't call it the green-eyed monster for nothing.

>Moving on, why humans?

They were my last choice. The other creature had to eat meat, be unable to eat grass, and be unable to fly. Caramel even says, "A pegasus could fly for help, and rest on clouds on the way." Since Equestria has Earth's constellations, it follows that the North Star would be present as well, and a griffin or pegasus could navigate by it. No creature in the FiM universe (so far) fills all the requirements.

>a human who... has an impeccable amount of foresight for not getting attached to someone he might have to eat to survive.

My old job involved spending weeks or months in remote places with one or two other people around, and this is exactly how things have to be. Someone like the human, who knows a thing or two about survival (and has to, or he'd try and eat Caramel a lot sooner) would know this. I'll do my best to clarify the psychology.

>[...] (the shipwreck). How'd it happen? Why'd it happen? When? [...]

Actually, this gives me an idea. BRB, adding dream sequence.

Regarding insufficient scene and character development: for years, I was criticized for too much telling. Now that I've scaled it back, I've been criticized for not having enough. No one seems to agree on how much is appropriate. Can't please 'em all, I guess. I thought of adding a scene in which the castaways find a dead body on the shore, and wear their hearts on their sleeves for a while. But the description might violate ponychan's anti-gore rules.

That's one "yea" and one "neigh" so far. Looks like I may need a tie-breaker review.

Pardon me; that should have been spelled "Black Stallion."

>>105213
>sage

>Black Stallion
LUS!

Sorry... Couldn't help myself. :D

>>105217

I'm afraid I don't understand.

>Saged; sorry for junking up the thread.

>>105220

...And of course, I stumbled upon the answer right after making this post. This is not my day. Saged again.

Hope you don't mind that this is a sequel. If you haven't read Dusk and Dawn, then all the context you need is that Nightmare Moon won, Twilight is her b****, there's a resistance called the Dawn Militia headed by a super-powered mane 6, but with Trixie replacing Twilight.

Ahem, accidentally hit Reply a tad early there.

Dusk and Dawn: Harmony
[Grimdark]
The Dawn Militia and Nightmare Moon's armies continue to wage war across Equestria under the eternal Night. The six bearers of the Elements of Harmony have been blessed with remarkable powers, with which they lead the Dawn through battles. But it isn't easy. How can Kindness and Laughter exist in such a dark time? How much Generosity can be afforded?

~10,000 words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v2F5Scf2AxGsGW6dgBf8cCFagogib6mLcKmC_C_ckHc/edit

Commenting is enabled, if you'd prefer to use it. I'm looking mainly for proofreading and wording help. Seeing as Seattle likes dark stories, he can have this one.

I got these.

>>104972
>Waiting by Nicholas Taylor
>>105242
Dusk and Dawn: Harmony by twopercent

>>105212
>I'd have kept him nameless if I could. He's any of us in that situation. How far would you have to be pushed to murder someone for the flesh on their bones?
Then why the hell is this told from Caramel's perspective and not the human's?

>It's the nature of the beast.
Robinson Crusoe, one of the first novels, let alone "shipwreck" stories, had the backdrop of European expansionism behind it: those days, people were actively exploring the seas. Also, it took twenty goddamn years for a sea-faring vessel to find Robinson, accidentally (there was pirate mutiny involved). At that point, it was less of a "rescue" and more like, "Oh. Cool. I can go home if I want to, even if I've made a home for myself on this island."

So, that was one of the first stories, and that wasn't a "savior ship" coming in.

Lord of the Flies does have a Deus ex Machina ending, but that's not applicable to your story, because Lord of the Flies was about man's inherent savagery, and the conflict was basically one of tribal warfare. If I compared your story to Lord of the Flies, it would be "This is like Lord of the Flies, stripped of the entire message that the author was going for, with 'hunger' replacing the conflict of 'man's inner beast.'"

You want to make a name for yourself? End this the "wrong" way, with Nameless Human killing and eating Generic Earth Pony, after they became friends. But it doesn't matter because he still died a few weeks later. That'd demonstrate that human desperation is as powerful as it is futile, and might be a stronger way of pointing out, "You might do terrible things if you're in a terrible situation."

And furthermore since when did, "Everyone else did it!" become an excuse for failure?

>I needed somepony chattier than Mac
Touche. Then... Braeburn, Sheriff Silverstar, the bullies, or hell, sex isn't really an issue in this, so any of the female earth ponies---AJ and Pinkie, even, aren't joined at the hip to the rest of the main six like you say they are.
>Maybe I'll replace him with an OC or something.
You can literally find/replace "Caramel" with "[OC NAME]" and it won't change the story. Do it with Gene Eric, at least he likes snow and dislikes mushrooms.

>Cellars aren't large enough for action scenes, nor do they have interesting set pieces.
They are if you write them that way. Like, a huge cellar, underground bunker, subway station... the list goes on
>They're easier to escape from, too.
Read: "TRAPPED" in a cellar.
>Finally, I am unaware of any pony fic involving a shipwreck, which I find ridiculous.
None that are famous, but unless you work on this story, you're not going to breach the realm of "forgettable mediocrity." So fill your niche, but work at it.

>But doing so would remove the possibility of envy on the predator's part, removing an aspect of possible resentment alluded to several times.
Implying... that, what, predators wouldn't get hungry if they weren't envious? This doubly-hidden resentment adds nothing to your story.

>Since Equestria has Earth's constellations, it follows that the North Star would be present as well, and a griffin or pegasus could navigate by it.
You... for someone who's spent a lot of time on small islands, you seem to underestimate the vast size of the oceans. Flying all day would probably be exhausting, and without food, progress would get slower and slower... yeah, I'm still not seeing why this can't be a flight-capable pair. If you're hell-bent on keeping this on ground, bones break in disasters.

>for years, I was criticized for too much telling. Now that I've scaled it back, I've been criticized for not having enough. No one seems to agree on how much is appropriate. Can't please 'em all, I guess.
More like, "I made one mistake, then made another mistake, and can't strike a balance between too much telling and not enough character development."

Don't blame your shit on reviewers. Fix it.

>Looks like I may need a tie-breaker review.
For... what, exactly? Deciding on whether or not the points I raised are worth taking into consideration?

>>105270
I don't know how appropiate that end was, but I kind of have to agree, he raised a bunch of points you need to address, there is no vote involved in these kind of things.

>>104972

You did a thing, and I rather like it.

The theme you’re working with is one that I enjoy playing around with myself. One major key to remember in making it work, is elegance and simplicity. Of what use is flowery, or even consistently lucid, thought to beings that stand so apathetic and disconnected, everything around them turned to dust and ashes?

I like the notion of the stinging dust-storms as Celestia goes out to stand on the edge of their cave being her only constant companion. I’d play with that were I you.

Also, you have the planet barren and lifeless, yet water still exists. This leaves you in need of a device as to why it is so. I suggest you play it so that, in her apathy, one of her naps or periods of fugue often last years, and so it is that there are periods of years or even decades that the sun doesn’t rise. Bonus points if you play it obliquely so that she and Luna don’t even notice, their sense of time that of gods without mortal beings to keep any sense of rhythm or repetition.

Most of the comments are in-doc, but the first thing that’s springing out are stacked descriptors, combining with the occasional incredibly awkward exposition. I mean,
>the dull silver light that dimly shone
That’s just bad. Again, go for elegance.

Playing the adjectives too heavily mate.

Your metaphors are… meh. I suggest just going the direct route.
I want Celestia’s thoughts to reflect the dismal reality she and Luna exist in. Take your own line to heart-
>We rarely speak anymore.


Anyhow, thanks for sharing. Cheers mate, keep writing.

>>105242

Docking points for rhetorical questions in the synopsis.

Now then, let’s see what this here be about…

Damn.

Okay, having finished, the majority of notes were left in-doc. Which you were in, so you know this. May as well take this opportunity to recommend this work to everyone who sees this post.
It’s an engaging and damned well-written tale, which I’m now going to have to go read the first chapter of.

Having not read the first installment, I don’t have any foundation for raising any potential issues of consistency or thematic concerns, though I do suggest a couple judiciously placed stylus breaks for scenes in chapter two.

Given that your opening scene’s purpose is to illustrate Fluttershy’s… (what, evolution?) … anyhow, you give the bulk of it to the officer, in contrast to her actual appearance and action, by sheer volume. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, but it seems somewhat off-balance, considering your intent. Regardless, it does a great job of setting the tone and establishing pacing, which doesn’t falter throughout the piece.

An now, glancing over your first chapter, it’s pretty evident you’ve come a long way, which is always good to see.

Oh, and there is an extraordinary and disturbing lack of best pony in this piece. You should do something about that.

Cheers, an keep writing.

>>105298
/sunglasses
Another satisfied customer reader.
/walkintosunset

But seriously, thanks for proofreading. I'll slap this onto FiMFiction and ship it to EqD now.

The purpose of the officer was to show how Fluttershy fought–from the shadows, not hesitating to strike fear into her enemies' hearts. That would've been much harder to convey from her perspective.

Oh, don't worry–Rainbow's chapter is next. On the second thought, worry. Judging by my track record, you'll have to wait a few months for it. And besides, I'm taking a break from grimdark. My next ambition? Giving Twilight Pinkie's fourth-wall breaking abilities.
/madscientistgoggles

Good evening, gentlemen. May I submit the following for your expert appraisal?

Title - What Went Wrong
Genre Tags - [Adventure] [Slice-of-Life]
Word Count - 35489 (in 3 Episodes)
Link - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HXsH_Jo44dx35JfYmlSgEp8jTI3u5AOwmUMyOvVtUNM/edit
Synopsis
When Derpy Hooves's failures destroy what little is left of her life, it falls to the Elements of Harmony (and Spike) to get the wall-eyed pony back on track to a happy future. What they didn't count on is that Ponyville's unluckiest mailmare might have a lot more to offer than anypony realized, including a strange pendant that acts as a gateway to the annals of Equestria's Lost History. Contained within are tales from before the time of Celestia and Discord, lessons of friendship and heroism long forgotten, and dark secrets better left unlearned.

Why would Derpy have such a thing? What is it exactly that hides behind her wall-eyed innocence?

What went wrong in the time before time and haunts the ponies of Equestria to this very day?
End Synopsis

Thank you very much for all your efforts.

>>104030
Wow, I could have sworn I replied to this review. For the record, I've read it a few times, but I just now noticed I never actually replied to it.

Well first off, thank you for the review. I'm aware of the weak points of my writing you pointed out. I was raised on a lot of 'white box' comedy or stories, in which scenery played little to no role. I mostly just picture dialogue and characterization.

The reason I actually noticed I hadn't replied, was I wanted to post asking what some good resources might be for learning the flaws you pointed out. I tried my best to google-fu, but it only turned up basic drivel (as it so often does with these topics).

It's a fourth edition rewrite because the first few had a very weak hook. The story evolves into a romance drama that's currently 75k words long, and always suffered from a bad beginning. And a bad middle, and a bad climax, and probably what will be a bad end.

I tried to shift tone gradually throughout the story, and the beginning chapters are intentionally supposed to be happy-go-lucky to an extent because when Dash confesses to Twilight and kisses her, Twilight stomps off and shuts Dash outside in the rain. After that, a love triangle gets involved, and then stuff happens that I'm not going to attempt to summarize here.

So in recap:
- I'm going to change the bits of dialogue or descriptions you mentioned
- I'm trying to work in more 'feely descriptions' or 'embellishments'
- How can I get better at: Scenic exposition, Action scenes, and Thematic congruity?

Pardon my levels of productivity, but I may already have another story I'm looking to get reviewed (after that Grimdark one I emailed in). The problem is it's a bit long, and you're about the only reviewers taking anything over 15000 words that I've seen so far.

This wouldn't be as much of a problem if I hadn't just gotten a review from you guys (or at least Nick) so recently. Basically, I don't wanna clog up the queue.

Would now be a good time to be asking for a review here, or should I keep looking for someone else and consider coming back on a later date?

>>105280

First of all, I have to thank you for not being like a couple newbs on FIM Fiction and saying "BUT WHY DON'T THEY USE THEIR MAGIC TO MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY?" To which I replied "Well, then there's no story, is there?" So I'm glad you were able to suspend your disbelief in that regard.

I'll go back through the story and edit it so they don't wake every day, which I directly implied. Having them sleep for decades or centuries at a time would be much better.

I'll also try to go and make the writing more "elegant and simple," as you call it, by either making the metaphors better or removing them, and cutting down on the adjectives. Hopefully I can pull it off.

Thanks for taking a look at this! I'll send it off to EqD when I'm done polishing it up. Hopefully it can get in on feels alone :P

>>105326
>
First of all, I have to thank you for not being like a couple newbs on FIM Fiction and saying "BUT WHY DON'T THEY USE THEIR MAGIC TO MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY?" To which I replied "Well, then there's no story, is there?" So I'm glad you were able to suspend your disbelief in that regard.

Sorry to cut in, and I hope I'm not speaking out of place, just giving my opinion. Sage because sage.

I haven't read your story, but if some 'newbs' are asking the question, then... why DIDN'T they use their magic to make everything all better? Not having them use magic to make everything okay JUST to create a story is a bit of a weak excuse in my opinion. Unless there's an underlying theme that suggests that they choose not to for blah blah reason, I don't see much of an excuse. It's fine to make the reader suspend disbelief for a little while, but let's just say your story has some weak points ALREADY (Haven't actually read it.) I don't think your excuse of 'well, we wouldn't have a story, would we?' would hold up with readers much.

>>105331

Sorry. You raise a good point, and I did not mean to seem arrogant in my post. Honestly, I shouldn't have even brought it up in the first place.

I suppose I did throw a line in the story that reads something like "Even we cannot conquer the passing of time." To throw a long-winded explanation in the story would break the flow. Basically, the fic was meant to be a brief thought exercise. It's not like I'm asking the reader to suspend their disbelief for a concept that spans a whole novel; it's a pretty short story.

Call me reckless or inexperienced, but I think it's fine to disregard certain details for the sake of telling a story, especially a short one. Although, you are right. I shouldn't expect all readers to just be fine with it.

>>105326

This is apparently what I get for assumptions. See, I’d assumed you’d already established in your head (and thereby subtext) that it was blatantly obvious that while Celestia and Luna are goddesses, the actual creation of life itself was beyond them, and they had resigned themselves to their effectively eternal exile. Based on that assumption, I felt as though the narrative addressed the concern of “Y magiks no fix everything?!” However...
>I think it's fine to disregard certain details for the sake of telling a story
No. It is not fine. If there is a giant gaping hole in your plot, which destroys reader immersion and the suspension of disbelief, it is pretty much the opposite of fine. Anything a critic points out, you had better already have accounted for. If you haven’t, recognize the fact that said reader did you a favor (provided they didn’t publicly embarrass you with the issue) and move to address it, either way becoming a better writer because of the criticism.
Now, this is NOT to say that some readers still “just won’t get it”, but hey, a lot of people are stupid.

>Hopefully it can get in on feels alone
Heh, good luck with that.

>>105331
>I hope I'm not speaking out of place, just giving my opinion.
I’m starting to think of you two like the CMC, runnin’ about everywhere. Weird.

>>105313
Azure-Spark, do your thing.

>>105307
No worries, was my pleasure.
> How can I get better at: Scenic exposition, Action scenes, and Thematic congruity?
Read. Read a shit-load, and keep practicing.

>>105304
Acknowledged. Nick will be taking this.

>>105331
I get around.

If you know what I mean dohohohohoho

>>105372
Gladly, thank you.

Title: Faux Mark: The Purple Balloon
Tags: [Adventure][Slice of Life]
Synopsis: Peppermint's life has really, really not gone according to plan. Everything was fine for a while. It wasn't until she was ten that things went downhill; her creepy neighbor somehow spread her own curse to Peppermint and replaced whatever Cutie Mark she could've discovered. For years since, she has been absorbed in her search for a cure for the strange curse. And thanks to the one responsible for her misfortune, she can only dread the madness this curse leads a pony to.

One strange series of events after another, and Peppermint might finally find something else to her life than "this stupid cursed Cutie Mark." Along with the help of a new, much-needed friend, Pepper will need to come out of her shell long enough to solve a much more grounded mystery.
Word Count: 36,521 (according to FiMfic)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13dWYx6CzJnuLxAuAp_ilY9sLfoyYQY7JeX3UzRf5rGo/edit
Each chapter links to the next and the previous at the bottom, but if you'd prefer I can post all 8 links instead of just the one to the first chapter.
Special Concerns:
—This is the weirdest concept for a story I've ever gone through with. Just a heads-up.
—As always when I write for canon characters, I'm nervous about any particularly OOC moments. Please do note anything out of the ordinary for Pinkie Pie.

Once again, thank you for your time and help. I shall be eagerly awaiting whatever advice/comments/critique/complaints are to come.

>>103989

I just realized I hadn't enabled comments in the Google Docs link. Fixed.

Howdy SL (can I call you SL? I guess I just did. Twice)

So I just wanted to pop in and give a big thank you. My fic has been published, and was just featured on Equestira Daily. It really means a lot to me to see my first work appear on a site that I admire so much, and I can absolutely guarantee you that it wouldn't have appeared if not for the feedback you gave me.

I went back, tightened the pacing, made the focus on Cheerilee's crisis more emotional, got rid of repetition (I killed a few references to The Knot, I remember that seemed to really rustle your jimmies) and most importantly, went through with a fine-toothed comb and hammered out all the systemic flaws (I literally cut out at least 100 uses of the dammed ellipses).

You gave me EXACTLY what I was looking for when I came to you for a "last Line" review, and as a result, the story is now on EQD…something I couldn't have anticipated. So, yeah, thank you SO much! And when Chapter 2 is ready, I will likely be returning to you for a look. Again, thanks!!

>>105399
Hey Brian, congratulations on making the blog. I'm really pleased for ya mate, I remember that feel. Savor it. Glad I could help.

>Howdy SL (can I call you SL?
No.

>>103989
Yeah, sorry, man. I've been trying for over two hours to try and get into this... Something about this story just rubs me the wrong way, and not even in the "I hate this so much I'm going to keep reading out of spite" way. Maybe it's the fact that it's far too purple for me to find interesting. Maybe it's the cliched weather report that you start with. Maybe it's the fact that you start with a bunch of OCs, straight off the bat, in fanfiction that's supposed to be starring the main six. Maybe it's the boring, flat-and-unnatural sounding dialogue.

Just... yeesh, man. This did not have a very Nick-accessible hook.

>>105490

I'm sorry that you couldn't get into my story, and I'm going to assume you only got a few pages into it based off of the comment you put in Googledocs. Although you did still give me some good feedback nonetheless.

-Cliched purple opening.
'Weather report', that made me laugh. You're right, it is. And devoting an entire paragraph to say it's a cold winter night with twelve constellations in the sky making a circle is probably too much. What makes me cringe though is that you say it's still purple, because get this: It used to be worse. Much, much worse. At this point I think it's unsalvageable, but I have another idea. See below.

-Boring, flat and unnatural dialogue.
I'm assuming you're talking about the exchange between Seeker and Caraway. I'll admit that I didn't put a lot of deep thought into these specific characters because they are never seen again after the Prologue. I could develop them more, but again, have another idea.

-The story is about the Mane 6.
Yes, it is. And you're right, starting the story with a 5k prologue where none of them are even mentioned is a bad idea.

My idea is this: I skip the Prologue and just start the story at Chapter 1. I've read in a few places that having a Prologue is a bad idea, anyway. I don't regret writing the thing, because as the author I need to know that information, but I'm thinking the reader doesn't. Not yet, anyway. There would be questions that aren't answered, but they are hinted at throughout the story. And then at the end it's revealed to the Mane 6, so maybe then would be the time to convey that information to the reader.

The first chapter opens with a quick scene of an OC going to see Celestia and Luna, and then it goes to Twilight. I'm thinking that will be a better place to start the story. If you'd like, you can start from there and see what you think, but I understand if you're turned off of the story now. It's not done yet and I have a ways to go, but I think if I keep getting feedback it will eventually be readable.

Thanks for your time.

>>104386

Hey Nick! Just wanted to let you know I just got this fic approved for EqD, and on the first try, no less! Thanks again for your review, and expect me to drop off later chapters in the future, if that's okay. Not going to compromise quality just because I have free reign over my story now.

Title : Between the Two of Us, There's No Discord

Tag : [Tragicomedy]

Synopsis : Their work environment may seem rather large, their jobs and responsibilities may feel a little overwhelming, and they may have an eternity (or more) until retirement, but put that into perspective, and you might see that the values of higher beings come pretty close to our own.

Word Count : 4732

Link : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jsHqL0gGa_UpQ4vEO8WkRc-HMfZAsDxLIStzi0nklSA/edit

I'm hoping this story would speak for itself, hence the kind of vague synopsis and tag. No better theme than love conquers all friendship is magic, right?

>>105534

>>105534
Sorry, busy. This will be a bit truncated.

Issues:

Run-on sentences

stacked descriptors

comma splices / awkwardly placed commas

missing quotation marks

dialogue tagging issues

Em dash confusion

Straight up missing/wrong words

Reeeeeeeally clunky phrasing, both in narration and dialogue, making it occasionally (see often) difficult to tell what the fuck you’re trying to convey.

Really heavy on the adjectives.

Is english your first language? (No offense here, I actually need to know.)

Annnnnd I’m going to be dropping this here until you go through and actually give it an edit-sweep and some sentence structure work.

I can dig the concept at its foundation, but you need to do something to make it less jarring. Like, you just have Discord monologue-bitching about standing in a line, and in the next few pages it becomes clear that he’s an anthropomorphic personification of Chao itself, presumably in the company of a shit-load of other said beings, and then suddenly Death is there chatting about outta-the-blue shit for which we have no context whatsoever, that really doesn’t seem to do anything to drive the premise, but rather serves as a block of one-shot side-story. Not sure if you’re going for Pratchett or Gaimen-esque thing here, but I like both, so I’m going to be a bit bias in liking this once you pull it together.

Cheers mate, keep writing.

>>105304
>Oh hey, this, uh... this isn't the fic where Derpy gets raped. Already, we're off to a good start.

Plot Summary
Derpy loses her job, gets threatened by some sort of magical villain, finds a magic pendant that lets her see into the past, the villain... is threatened, but not really, but escapes, but not really, and doesn't come back to find Derpy, but meanwhile, Derpy's dreaming about the past life of a mercenary who gets double-crossed by someone who double-crosses him, except it's not a dream because she can alter the reality, so she wakes up and dresses like a sexy maid in order to inspire Spike to ask Rarity out (even though Rainbow Dash said it'd be a bad idea), but THAT doesn't work out, so... I guess they're dating now or something, and then Derpy finds the clue in order to help find the villain from the hotel that escaped.

This story is a literary clusterfuck of decent ideas that... well, turns into a clusterfuck and does it with the weirdest sense of "this takes so long to read, yet everything's happening too quickly."

Let me explain. I really liked this story, but every ounce of my body screamed for me to stop reading and to cut this review short. Yet, through some strange fluke, you kept me reading against my will, and every time I pushed farther into this piece, I found more reasons to dislike where this story was headed, but at the same time, I ended up enjoying this.

I think.

Critiques
Your story has a serious case of "genre dysphoria," in that you shift tones, directions, and conflicts at the drop of a hat. You start off with a... really weird prologue between Derpy and her sister (who never gets mentioned again), then... a chilling, gritty, postmodernist view of Derpy (the tone felt like it was out of Requiem for a Dream or Fight Club almost, then she gets fired and things get really sappy. Then, detective novel, then, jungle adventure, then, romantic drama... this story is almost like it's being told by a schizophrenic (no offense), and given who Derpy is... I have to congratulate you on a meta-level (I think) for pulling that off.

My main concern, though, is that you're trying to tell a story. What story are you trying to tell? Derpy falls on hard times but is rescued by friends? Spike wants to ask Rarity out but gets rejected? Iron Cross and Feather Quill are looking for an ancient tome in the Everfree Forest? The amulet? The... one villain whose name escapes me? There's a LOT going on in this story, and it's crazy. You definitely need to pick a conflict, stick with it, and show how all of the other sub-conflicts are related to it. At times, these connections are extremely thin or not even apparent, which makes this difficult to progress through because, while it's interesting, I have a hard time realizing why I should worry about Derpy... dressing up like a sexy maid.

Speaking of... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK was that entire scene about? It was... borderline terrible, near-pornographic, and had virtually no bearing on the plot other than to have a random roaring crowd around Derpy, dressed like a sexy maid, throwing money, while reading Spike's porn collection.

But back to the original critique, pacing is your major problem here. This story didn't really have a good hook, and a lot of the conflict was slow-going at best. It felt fast because of disorientation, but basically, that's because reading this story was like the equivalent of having an Abrahm's Tank crash through your house while you're fighting off a robot army. Sure, the tank opens up and it's Former President Bill Clinton here to save the day from the evil robots, but the connections weren't always where they should have been.

I might follow this review up with more feedback when I get my head about me (don't count on it, though), and I'll answer questions you might have, but for now, I can't really think of much about this story other than the pacing and conflicts being all skewy.

>>105080
>I simply feel that that is kind of an awkward place to PUT said inference.
I...can't really put it anywhere else. Here: I am going to draw your attention to this, because if I have done this badly, it must be addressed. Yes, it is a subtle point and I don't want to highlight it in orange marker, but...
Oh, and for you tag-along peoples, this is spoilered seriously.
So, as you are aware, Autumn went all...well, you called it "wangsty." Here's the low-down: so far, we have been informed that Autumn hides, and hides well. We have witnessed him disappearing easily, and Lock comments that he can "sup with the enemy and them never know [he is] there." One thing this scene does is show that hiding is, aside from his talent, his first instinct. Things go south, he is reprimanded, and he hides; it takes Dew's coaxing to get him out of the shadows. Further, his thoughts are not firstly upon rescuing the captive/saving Equestria. While he may not be actively hiding from the dogs at this point, the hidden man does not throw himself into harms way. Oh, and the important piece of past this reveals? It will likely get touched upon later, but it is the event that led him to discover his talent.

As I said, I don't want to highlight this, but if I supplied it badly...

>You’ve dismissed the potential for a “dog uprising” and the looming threat that entailed, and are shifting gears toward… something else.
> it depends on when you update and submit, but yes, consider me a fan of the story.
Yeah, see, this is my worry. First, my schedule is hectic at best, and my internet time is limited, so updates will likely be slow. Second, as you mentioned, I am shifting gears here; can I keep the initial audience interested? The thought weighs heavy on my creative muse, and I can only hope.

>>105661

>run-ons
Quite an easy fix. I don't really mind those at all so I guess I just needed someone to say they're annoying. Academic texts tend to have some crazy run-ons so I may have picked the habit from those.

>stacked descriptors
First I put one, then re-read and don't think that's enough, these happen

>missing quotation marks
Um, no... Though there might be something else wrong since it looks like that.

>dialogue tagging issues
Me being a fool by trying to avoid breaking up those pretty paragraphs. Not an issue if you read a bit slowly (like yours truly, but that's not an excuse)

>Em dash confusion
I only use en dashes so I don't see this being relevant.

I knew I couldn't fool a pro! Yep, my native language isn't English.
I noticed parallels with Pratchett's Death right away, and decided to roll with it and see where it goes. And please, read the whole thing before you criticise the plot. The characters, fine, but c'mon, it's ten miserable pages long.

I'll get back to this tomorrow. Right now I got other things.

Yep, I dun finished chapter two. I've had my editor look it over, but he may have missed something.

Title: Ideas Live On
Genre Tags: [Adventure][Sci-fi]
Synopsis: The ancient past of Equestria has always been shrouded in mystery; even the claims from the Princesses don't seem to be consistent with the evidence. The key to the past resides in a map found by a Professor Sparks of Canterlot University; a map of a foreign land called "The United States of America".
Word Count: Prologue: 1067
Chapter 1: 10356
Chapter 2: 5170
Link: Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vsdQP746MCwnZdzPKwf74iwuZxB7nibXmIVCxJ3NB2E/edit
Chaper 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_e38lqCLpXNtdNaL7hdXHved0IIfE93rQj4KpjOoaE/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wWmWRKQTkHn27pO7Cz3Wo4dVWV_BuCQpeqLCZQ83XWE/edit

Grande plan doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qGxT4ZQ16LzgQ5S7QCk71qPFQbS4BL0-UaNuEKMf-mg/edit

As usual, the questions:
How was the action sequence? Was it confusing?
How was the writing during the dogfight with the dragon? Did you get lost or feel like I skipped parts of the action?
Compared to Sparks' action scene in chapter 1, is Spitfire's significantly different?
Did you ever feel that events felt rushed or contrived? Conversely, did you think the ponies skipped around too much?
Was the balance of exposition to action more even this time, or did the chapter feel lopsided?

Seeing as Seattle's having a busy week, you're both welcome to take this one this time around.

>I also still have the offer to review non-pony original fiction, as I think it’s important not to stick within the confines of this show.

Have you gotten the chance to read any of that so far? It looks like this thread hasn't had a whole lot of that stuff.
I'm going to change that! I don't think that my story properly fits the definition of a fanfic, but that is not to say that it is not pony-related.
If it's okay with you, I would just like to let you know that I have posted this story on Richard M. Nixon's thread, and I am still awaiting his review.

Title: Chat
Genre Tags: [Human] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: How to turn your friends into bronies
Word Count: 793
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SeH0wne2nqR_lvQcZSlwE79NE3HF2JxZzp1myoCbvTk/

One thing that you might want to know is that I will not be sharing the story with you. For the time being at least, I will simply share the opening scene because that is what I really want to get right at the moment.

>>105775
Synopsis
The author claims this is an instruction manual on "how to turn your friends into bronies," however, as this is titled "Fandom-Fic," perhaps there are some deeper meanings afoot here...

Musings
As I didn't find anything inherently wrong with this story, I'll instead put some musings here instead of outright critiques. For example, I didn't find any problems with the grammar, pacing, characterization, prose, dialogue, or exposition. Part of me is tempted to say that this fic was perfect, just on account of how few problems I found with it, but I usually try to refrain from absolutes.

Instead, I'll try to focus on the message behind Fandom-Fic. You said this is "how to turn your friends into bronies," however, I really think that this story has some striking and important allegories. For example, your entire work could be applied to the fandom at whole, seeing as how it hints at human interaction being tethered to strides in technological advancement. I definitely got a vibe of nihilism in this, questioning important things such as, "does this really matter?" and "are any of the people in this fandom actually genuine?" After all, you were so bold as to boil down indoctrination into this fandom into a supposed instruction manual, and furthermore, you referred to this instruction manual as prose instead of technical writing.

While I'm not usually fond of or confident in my ability to review "artistic" pieces like this, I can safely say that this time, I'm pretty sure of your meaning. You left this document titled "Untitled Document," showing the endless potential of this fandom, despite the fact that many of its individuals act in a less-than-self-actualized manner from time to time (after all, then they would have received a title, then, correct?).

On a personal level, this piece speaks to me because, inherently, this appeared to be an easy-to-review work. Seven hundred and forty-three words means I can read and give feedback in an almost instantaneous manner, which means it's not a lot of effort on my part in order to help you. However, once I started reading this, I found personal meaning in this, as I feel that this story hints at the underlying shallowness beneath this fandom, and how it's simply an exercise in what is "easy," or, as I prefer to call it, escapism.

Or maybe you just fucked up and sent me a blank document on accident.

>>105782
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SeH0wne2nqR_lvQcZSlwE79NE3HF2JxZzp1myoCbvTk/edit

See that edit at the end guys? That's very important. Something must come after it, otherwise it just creates a new document for you.

>>105775
>>105787
>mfw I liked this better as a blank document

"How well this will be received" is an interesting metric, because this fandom is inherently misanthropic and doesn't like to read about the "meatspace" side of things. Metafics are hit-and-miss, in that some satires are brilliant and others... well, I still hold my opinions about Hearts of Red Ink despite it being written by a close colleague and it being declared a "Success" by the original driving force behind it.

ANYHOO, I definitely think that you're falling into the "miss" end of things here. A... Facebook chat, I suppose, is fair game, however, you should really take better strides to keep track of who's talking. On Facebook, there's the little face icons next to the chat, but here, you're writing text, so you don't have that. Your options are to embed the pictures or write the names or color the text (though those last two will break away from Facebook's formatting), but seriously, you need to do something about the fact that I have no idea who was talking at any time.

Moving on... reading that rap very eloquently captured the disdainful feeling that I get when someone starts writing a rap to me in an Instant Message program. Is that how you and your friends do things? Is this about your friends and you? If not, I highly recommend tweaking your characters so that they're not the type who... rap... at each other. It's grating to read, to say the least. "I skipped past it" would probably be the honest thing to say, but still. Nix the rap.

Finally, I'm having trouble accepting this conversation as an actual conversation. I have many individuals that I correspond with over Instant Messaging, and I... rarely address them by name. It really feels like "THIS IS A STORY AND I AM INTRODUCING THE CHARACTERS BY NAME SO THAT YOU KNOW THEIR NAME FOR THE REST OF THE STORY" at this point. Then, you get the "asynchronous conversation" right (kudos) before delving into the pointless rap, which then leads to an accidental My Little Pony terminology drop (also, bullshit this guy hasn't heard of "everypony," on the Internet, when this conversation takes place late into Season 2). Then, there's a moment that makes me wonder if these characters are a legitimate gay couple ("you don't keep secrets from me"), and then, the link. Yes, go with YouTube. Yes, also, make sure that you put more work into making this chat real.

>>105745

Thank you very much for an insightful review that . . . compared my fiction to Bill Clinton in an Abrams. Can't say I saw that one coming. Anyway, there's just a few things that I'd like to comment on.

>finds a magic pendant that lets her see into the past
>really weird prologue between Derpy and her sister (who never gets mentioned again)
Your confusion over this seems to ignore Chapter 2, Scene 2 (C2S2). From Chapter 1, Scene 1 (C1S1) and the aforementioned scene respectively:
>(C1S1) An earth pony mare of similar gray hue rested amidst a grouping of stones, her straight sable mane draped entirely to one side to give her violet eyes an unobstructed view of the tome laid out before her.
>(C2S2) The door had not opened. The window remained shut. Even so, a gray-furred earth pony mare took hold of the chair from a nearby desk and moved it to the side of the bed. Planting herself onto the cushioned seat, she placed a large leather-bound book on the bed and stared at the sleeping Derpy with wistful violet eyes. She leaned forward and opened her mouth as if to speak, but flinched in the next instant. The mare looked to the side before sitting back in the chair and brushing her long black mane out of her eyes.
According to C1S1, she was given the pendant by her sister. In C2S2, the pendant shines and a pony w/ the exact description of her sister (sable = black) shows up with a book called "The Lost History" and begins reading. I do not think that the pendant does what you think it does. Also, heavy book emphasis in both scenes. I don't know how I could make the connection any stronger here. Her sister is due back in C4S2 as well w/ a bit more clarification on who she is.

>the villain... is threatened, but not really
How? If she was who she said she was, then she wouldn't want Twilight to go over her head. As the imposter that she is, having Celestia notified of her presence would have been even worse. Seems like a valid threat to me, or do you think that Twilight wouldn't have gone through with it?

>but escapes, but not really
Did the police catch her or are they still looking for her? Still looking for her, you say? Then she escaped. Really.

>a mercenary who gets double-crossed by someone who double-crosses him
He wasn't double-crossed. Feather explained her actions at length.

>I guess they're dating now or something
Where did you get that idea? Does one hug = dating now? Anyhow, isn't that assuming quite a bit? Could these two even have a relationship, what with Spike on the mend from getting dumped and Derpy being . . . Derpy?

>you kept me reading against my will
Translation: It was captivating, but I want that to come off as a negative.

>What story are you trying to tell?
My intent was to tell a series of short stories connected by a set of common threads. You've got the identity of the first one down, but that second isn't about a book hunt (the book only contains the prophecies that motivate Cross - he has it on him), and the third one isn't about Spike getting rejected (to put it bluntly, Derpy uses what she learned from Cross to make a new friend and succeeds, even if she makes an enemy, blows up Sparity, and clears out Spike's stash in the process). As for the tonal shifts, the story usually doesn't do that in an unpredictable fashion. Example:
>C1S1 - Flashback denoted by THEN tag. Attempts to hook w/ mysterious setting and sisterly love.
>C1S2 & C1S6 - Both use same "gritty tone". Derpy is alone w/ her thoughts in both. Both take place in the apartment. This tone never shows up anywhere else. This seems intentional . . .
>C1S3-C1S5 + C1S7-C1S9 - Standard SoL tone.
>C2S1 & C2S10 - Crime drama. Perspective switches to Twilight. Gives us what went on in the real world during the scenes sandwiched between.
>C2S2-C2S9 - Adventure tone. Derpy's inside an adventurer's head. Seems legit.
>C2S11-C3S8 - Standard SoL.
And just so you know:
>C4S1 & C4S9 - Crime drama. Same purpose as in C2.
>C4S2-S8 - Adventure tone. Derpy & Cross again.
See what I mean? This cycle repeats. Is it really that confusing? You're one of only two people thus far who complained about this (out of about 20 or so that I've spoken with). I'm not saying that you're wrong; I'd just like to (a) confirm that it's still how you feel after you've "gotten your head about you" and (b) get a little more detailed suggestion on how you'd approach solving the problem.

>I have a hard time realizing why I should worry about Derpy... dressing up like a sexy maid.
The chapter centers on Derpy's attempt to take a bull by the horns; this is that (intensely awkward) attempt. Will she succeed and motivate Spike, or will she just make a mess? I thought that her argument w/ RD set the point of it up pretty well (plus the foreshadowing at the start of C3S3).

>It was... borderline terrible, near-pornographic, and had virtually no bearing on the plot
See above; I think you just missed the point somehow. As for the objectionable content, my first prereader for this scene is a devout Orthodox Christian. She thought it was hilarious and told me that I should have milked it more (I told her that it would have caused a pacing issue). Borderline pornographic? No. A bit racy? Yes. Maybe it's just not your kind of humor.

One last thing, how are the technical aspects aside from pacing? Should I take the lack of comment about them as a thumbs-up in that regard?

Thank you again for your time and effort. Sorry this is so huge.

>>105803
>mfw you think you've offended me with "questionable content."
I wrote a story about a coked-up scumbag going down on themselves while hallucinating a one-night stand, let alone the horrors I've seen while prereading for Equestria Daily. It'll take more than "sexy Derpy" to unsettle me. But more on that in a little bit...

>explanation of sister
Okay, it's good that you have this explanation prepared, and your interpretation of things matches the events in the story, but you shouldn't have to explain things outside of the story. I'll admit that the pendant part might have been because I skimmed a little, but her sister...
>Her sister is due back in C4S2 as well w/ a bit more clarification on who she is.
This doesn't change the fact that she's practically hidden throughout the story. Is she important to Derpy? The story? Then she needs to be present in Derpy's thoughts, so that she's more prominent in the story. Even if she died or something, Derpy should think back to her dead sister and play catch with her every night every now and then.

>Seems like a valid threat to me, or do you think that Twilight wouldn't have gone through with it?
My main beef with the whole "villain plot" is that it gets markedly less focus than Silver Cross and... *twitch*... Sparity. Stupid name combinations. It's like you're playing keep-away with the good stuff of this story by throwing mildly-tangentially-related plot devices and points in the way of stuff that actually looks like it would resolve the plot. For example, Bitchy Bureaucrat (or whatever her name is) got Derpy fired because of X, Derpy makes friends, BB gets brought to justice because Derpy learns about friendship, Derpy gets job back. That would be decent conflict resolution---cliche on the surface, true, but everything sounds cliche boiled down to its basest elements. Instead, you wander, from a narrative standpoint, and it makes it hard to trust that you, the author, know where this story is headed.

>Is [the tone shifting] really that confusing? You're one of only two people thus far who complained about it
To be brief, yes. My biggest problem with this story is that it's several stories intertwined into one, and I don't think you did a sufficient job showing how everything is interrelated. Why are magic books important to Derpy/her sister? Why is this importance related to her losing her job/being a klutz? How is Derpy breaking up Spike/Rarity leading to her getting her job back? That last one, I can answer: because she comes to a slight realization about herself while she's ranting at Rarity. The other ones... ?

>See above; I think you just missed the point somehow... Borderline pornographic? No.
My main problem with this story is how it's confusingly-written, isn't an elegant solution to the problem at hand, and it relies on something that's either making fun of a mentally-handicapped individual's lack of understanding of sex and social tact or it's downright creepy. Meaning: either Derpy doesn't know what she's doing and you, the author, are having a (written to be, what with reduced income housing and whatnot) mentally challenged but cute pony flying around, dressed in a sexy manner, while oblivious to everything; or, she's a 23-year-old idiot savant who knows she's trussing up for a sexually-confused 15-year-old (or some other pubescent age). You don't really dwell on the build-up to the scene (just... Derpy buying a sexy costume) and everyone sort of goes, "Who else but Derpy?" despite the fact that she more or less turned the library into a strip club (Twilight's reaction is more of, "AT LEAST SOMEONE ACTUALLY CAME TODAY!"). The whole thing sticks out like a sore thumb, destroys the pacing of the story, and it adds themes that are really out of place other than "having them for the sake of having them".

So hence, "pornographic."

>One last thing, how are the technical aspects aside from pacing? Should I take the lack of comment about them as a thumbs-up in that regard?
Pretty much. The writing's decent, I just wish you had applied it to a more coherent story.>>103290

>>105790
>mfw I liked this better as a blank document

Ouch, man.

>>105835
Agreed. This was a pretty harsh review. Redout, I don't know if you're going to take this review personally although, I'll admit, the sarcastic response to the blank document was a bit unnecessary, I'd just like to point out that this review lacked one little word that seems to accurately describe way too many fics on this board:

"Cliche"

I'm not going to ask you to not take Nick's advice seriously here, as he does have a few good points. I'd just like to point out the fact that your story already has a leg-up on the others, in that it has that flair of originality that so many readers crave and too many fics lack. You have taken a risk with this idea of yours, which kind of reminds me of the risk Pixar took when making the world's first purely CGI movie inb4 pointless shitstorm. If you pair this idea of yours with a quality story, you just might make something that stands out from the rest of the pieces of literary copy/pastas that we have all read several times, just with different titles.

It's a little hopeful, but, you know.

>>105853
"Brony acceptance" is a tired concept, even back in last July when I used to browse /oat/. While I haven't read a lot of "humans not going to Equestria" stories, that doesn't make the idea any fresher. The chat-log idea could be novel, if done correctly, but as-is, I don't see how it adds anything to the story over straight narration.

So thank you for your attempts at an undermining pep-talk, but this isn't the thread for lies.

>>105835
Yes, it's harsh. But it's how I feel: whatever story you're trying to tell got strangled by its execution and meaningless segments.

That doesn't mean I want you to quit, though. Consider this a challenge to improve your writing and exposition. Or don't.

>>105787
>>105790

In honor of this author's most bodacious rap, I have devised the Seattle n' Nick diss raptrax as a general response to any of those righteous brothers from another mother(s) that feel that their review was bogus.

LARGE DISCLAIMER:

BELOW IS WHAT WE CALL "SARCASM." IF ANY OF THOU ARE FOREIGN TO THE CONCEPT, PLEASE READ A BOOK.



Side A: Nick



Nick, if you think I'm gonna take this shit,
you're wrong,
Lay off the bong
Or at least get Seattle outta that thong
But I digress
You've come to test
My patience with your review
and you ain't nothin' special
(just another part of the /fic/ crew)
Ya so I know, I ain't Joyce,
It's not my choice
Be I tried anyway don't that count?
I didn't want to lose it,
But your made me nuts,
So I said "Screw it"
My Pinkie is out of place?
Fuck you, and take a fist to the face,
Nicknack, take a smack,
right across the chops
till your neck goes pop
Bro, your critique is weak
It's like you're still on your mother's teat,
and can't raise a finger,
My prose if fine,
it's just you who can't read between lines
So you say my shit don't make sense
You're too dense to understand, man
Give me a gold star review,
Just like those stickers worn by Jews
A Holocaust reference, tasteless?
I know Nick gets a laugh outta the slaughter of six million faceless
Certified member of the new SS
Blitzkreiging the shit outta the southwest
Boy, he's some sort of scum,
Tapping his Nazi feet
to the beat of the war drum
Now he's seen my angry post,
and has this shitfaced grin
all over his face
I just wanna spray it with mace
and say "Pucker up bitch!"
Fucker.



Side B: Seattle



Seattle is a hipster and nobody cares about his silly thick-rimmed glass. People call him Mr. Lite because they think his first name is Bright and like to jam incandescent lights in his anus in hopes that he'll act like the toy. Boy, outta the people I know, there's few that annoy as much as Seattle, it's like he was raised by cattle. Smells just a bad. I would continue, but rap is for those stuck in 2005, and I don't have a copy of autotune.



If y'all don't want me taking up space with my phat beats, I'll go, but you can't stop the power of music, ya meddling kids. Crunk out, yo.

>>105853
>this review lacked one little word that seems to accurately describe way too many fics on this board
>he does have a few good points
>the risk Pixar took when making the world's first purely CGI movie
>the rest of the pieces of literary copy/pastas that we have all read several times, just with different titles

>>105857
>lies

>>105879
>Cassius' face when

'sup

I was on this a while ago, but I got a bit depressed and gave up writing for a while. I got back in the game more recently, and I wanna get my fic up to EqD scratch.

Making Things Write

[Normal][Adventure]

Behind every great book is a great writer. Almost everypony knows of the intrepid adventures of Daring Do, but few know the truth about her creator.

This is the story of Opal Parchment, a young mare trying to finish the last Daring Do adventure before it's too late. Her quest lands her in Ponyville, where Opal gets the unexpected help of two of her biggest fans.

Chapter 1: 9024 Words
Chapter 2: 8017 words

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PsPsQxQ1FoOuYfiyKH6sAiaP_CTp7ZQIDQJurN66LhM/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V-6BY15Ga5Q0MQ8NdsF0iF0uOUMwlerkUj-D5rOfn9U/edit

I understand this is kinda really long, so you don't have to do chapter 2 if you're not up to it.

>>105879
I... you... I don't even....
Cass, that's fucking amazing.Totally crossed the gamut of the reaction spectrum on this one. I'm at a loss for words right now...

Oh, wait, found some.
>>105881
I don't know who you are mate, but if you're not affiliated with the author in some writing-specifc way, then kindly stop posting. You're not having a grammar-specific discussion, you're arguing with Nick. Send him an email if you want, but knock that shit off ITT.

>>105879
I don't even.

>>105891
You are not a fan of the new SS are you?

>>105892
I don't know why I would be.

>>105894
Just following a line from that poem from that post:
>>105879
"Certified member of the new SS
Blitzkreiging the shit outta the southwest
Boy, he's some sort of scum"

>>105891
>>105892
>>105894
>>105895
The OP has requested to keep this thread on topic. Please do so, okay?

Sorry it's not in g-docs, I literally can't post there right now

Title: A Heavy Crown
[Sad] [Tragedy] [Romance]
Synopsis:
I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story.
~8,283

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29008/A-Heavy-Crown

Note: I'll probably also be back for the fourth chapter, but I wanted to get a proper review (shame Nixon quit as this thread is pretty busy) before I broke the 10K word barrier

>>105763
Allllright, chapter two. Let’s do this.


>air travel.” Shooting Star said
c’mon now dromer :P

>Utopian theory
Suddenly pony atlantis

>can use- the caves
hyphens are used to link numbers an compounds, Em dashes are used for breaking a sentence or creating an appositive, and there’s no space between them. FTFY-
>can use—the caves

The opening is a bit amorphous. Like, give us a scene in the beginning where you briefly show what all the travelers are doing, and then get back to the story. As it stands, you go down the line, highlighting them only when they speak. This makes me step back and wonder for a second who the hell this pony is. Might not be an issue for someone who picks this up directly after the first chapter, but I thought I’d throw that out there.

>our chances are best taken punching straight through it.”
this is phrased oddly.

Given the events that are unfolding, I have to say there’s a serious lack of tension coming across. The narrative is too passive. Try throwing in some judicious adjectives to personalize the character’s impressions.

>The three pegasus
pegasusususes
… okay, you do this enough for me to wonder if it’s intentional. sup with that?

>The other four of us nodded.
WHOA man, wtf are you doing? You’ve been solid with 3rd person omni up to this point, an now you switch over to implying limited?? My head is full of fuck!

>they felt a slight crosswind. The rain began to fall at a slight angle,
word rep ‘slight’

The narration is coming across pretty dry mate, in direct contrast to the dialogue and tone you’re working for. Few examples-
>“Sparks, look lively!” The voice came from Sandstorm.
>His muscles took more and more energy from him.
>But he was warm, from exertion, or something.

>It was a comforting warm...
and then you go on to say it’s from fatigue. This no makey sensical stuffs.

>The two earth ponies were
pony’s

>caught a movement near the top of the tower.
omit the ‘a’

>long faced monster
long-faced

>had begun freefalling.
clunky. try-
>and had dropped into free-fall.

>suddenly-outstretched
Generally don’t hyphenate adverbs or adjectives ending in -ly

>The moment an opponent shows a fatal flaw in their flight path, a single weakness in technique.
connect this to the previous sentence. I’d suggest an Em dash.

>pressure.. One
oops

>Spitfire felt sleepiness tug at her limbs.
meh

>Spark’s likeliness
This is awkward. Go with ‘likelihood’, or even better ‘chances of survival’


------------

>Did i feel the scenes were rushed or contrived-
rushed, not really. Contrived, a bit. I mean, crazy storm over Chicago without explanation. Suddenly dragon out of nowhere with no hint of explanation or even a real “wtf moment’ from the characters, before or after the encounter. They then just seem to forget about the thing after it splashes into the lake.

>Action scenes-
Yeah, you really need to work on these in conveyance of intensity and drama, though the actual sequence of events comes across clear enough… in fact, I’d say you belabor the sequence, to the detriment of immersion.

>Was the balance of exposition to action more even this time, or did the chapter feel lopsided?
The balance is better, but take in the above considerations. The last thing an action scene can survive is reading dry. Make it more visceral.


The entirety of this chapter boils down to—The crew in transit. Regardless, and nice transition chapter. Cheers mate, look forward to the next one!

>>106056
Slight correction:

You don't use hyphen for range of numbers, you use en dashes.

>word rep ‘slight’
Did you correct it?, or what do mean with that?

>pony’s
I'm trying to figure out how in the world you made this mistake. The three dozen human's were discussing about writing and decided to say this?

Never use them with words ending in -ly. That's actually a rule, because of the way those modify others.

That ellipsis needs four dots, not three, just clarifying that.

That's about it.

(This thing of reviewing reviews is weird.)

>>106092
>You don't use hyphen for range of numbers, you use en dashes.
Granted, though most folk don’t differentiate between an en dash and a hyphen. All writers take note:
Hyphens are used for compounding verbs, adverbs or adjectives.
An en dash is used in expression of ranges of value or distance.
Now, while this distinction is a proper one, I won’t fault an individual for using an en dash and a hyphen as one and the same. Em dash? There’s a MAJOR difference in both size and application.
However, this is fanfiction, and I’m not going to hold it against a writer for confusing hyphen and en dash application.

>’slight’
>Did you correct it? or what do mean with that?
I mean he used it twice very closely to one another, and it was noticeably repetitive.

>pony’s
I have no fucking idea how that happened. Jesusballs. My bad Dromer, apologies.

>That ellipsis needs four dots, not three, just clarifying that.
No. Ellipsis... works like... this. Note there are three dots. No more, no less. There is always a space after ellipses unless they are used at the beginning of a sentence (very rare, often wrong, don't recommend it), or at the end, be it in narration or dialogue.

Ellipses are not to be followed or preceded by other strong punctuation marks in fiction. Yes, I’m aware this is debatable, and various arguments exist for either side, but here’s what I go with: 

This usage-
>...? 
can be a flexible exception, but I'm incredibly not fond of it for a laundry list of reasons. Where-as:
>... . / . ... / ...! / ...— / 
are all shit. The first two examples are often used in academic and legal notation, as well as journalistic articles and letters. Oh, and philosophers. Philosophy text is just laden with the first two examples above (especially Emerson for some reason). 

They are, however, absolute crap for fiction. This is because an ellipsis with a period preceding it indicates an omission at the end of the sentence, whereas an ellipsis before a period indicates an omission directly after the period... and why the hell would we do that? We want to engage our readers as much as possible, right? Ellipses are most useful to the fiction writer for displaying hesitation or uncertainty in the character, or a transition of a scene; we don't use them as other trades do to outright omit information (unless we're being particularly canny). For further reference, see section 13.50-13.54 of the Chicago Manual of Style, 16th Ed. The latter two examples above have no basis anywhere I have ever seen, and make jack for logical sense. 

Okay now. Thanks for the post anon. Going to bed.

>>106107
You and your hatred of combining ellipses with punctuation.

>>106108

Just some ancillary bookkeeping. Also, if you've posted something in this thread up to this point and it's not in this post, then say something, as you've been unintentionally overlooked.


Open Queue
>>105387 (Claimed)
>>105885
>>105973

Reviews:
>>103292/>>103302 (Beyond the Wall) (N)
>>103305/>>103375 (Gravity's Rainboom) (N)
>>103383/>>103449 (Bloodline) (N)
>>103384/>>103421 (Smiling Flowers) (S)
>>103414/>>103447 (Rogsby) (N)
>>103485/>>103828 (A Dish Best Served Cold, or Not at All) (S)
>>103596/>>103713 (Pinkie my Friend) (N)
>>103724/>>103980 (All the Good Things) (N)
>>103742/>>104010 (March to the Scaffold) (N)
>>103908/>>104375|>>104750 (Equestrian Secret Service) (S)
>>103983/>>104030 (Flying High, Falling Hard) (S)
>>103989/>>105490 (The Zodiac Ritual)
>>104121/>>104386 (One Simple Choice) (N)
>>104589/>>104692 (The L Words) (BYEAHHH)
>>104598/>>104729 (I Dream of Pinkie) (N)
>>104671/>>105187 (The Savage Way) (N)
>>104675/>>104992 (Ideas Live On 1) (S)
>>104972/>>105280 (Waiting) (S)
>>105304/>>105298 (Dusk And Dawn: Harmony) (S)
>>105242/>>105745 (What Went Wrong) (N)
>>105534/>>105661 (Between the Two of Us, There's No Discord) (S)
>>105763/>>106056 (Ideas Live On 2) (S)
>>105775/>>105782|>>105790 (Fandom-Fic) (N)


Totals:
Nick:12 Seattle:9
Total: 21