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File 133750167706.png - (835.89KB , 1294x443 , Lets Do This.png )
103290 No. 103290
#Reviewer #Crossover #Seattle_Lite #Nicknack
Welcome to the meat grinder, the thunderdome, the jungle, the ninth circle of... yadda, yadda, yadda. This is a review thread, and it features two of the oldest and best, in our obviously humble and totally unbiased opinion reviewers on /fic/. We’re happy to help, but you should probably meet us halfway. So, without further ado, have some...

RULES
FORMATING:
Your post submission should include: Title, Genre Tags, a Synopsis, Word Count, and a Link to the story. We strongly prefer Google Docs. If you give us a picture of words, get fucked Don’t send us pictures of text.

Failure to submit properly will be met with swift retribution. You probably won’t get a review, certainly not from Seattle.

CONTENT:
Anything not allowed on Ponychan (gore, porn, all that good stuff) is not allowed to be posted in this thread. If you have something that falls outside of the acceptable content guidelines of Ponychan, you can email it to either of us, but the review will be done in private. If we hate it, we get to let you know without Ponychan mod intervention. Granted, as you’re probably showing us dicks in this scenario, so that’s a fair trade. Any fics involving Snails, a rock, and a hill, need not apply. Ditto for Onyx Origins / Maverick. Vimbert’s only allowed three one-shot submissions a week. Unless it’s Ironfall. And why aren’t you writing that right now?

QUEUE:
Stories will be reviewed on a first-come, first-served basis... unless one of us likes you or your story. Within the priority queue, stories will be reviewed by whichever of us gets around to it; if you have a preference as to either Seattle_Lite or Nicknack for a reviewer, say so, and the other won’t take it personally. Less work for him, right?


WHAT THOU CAN EXPECT FROM US

Seattle: Yeah, neither of us is much the cuddly type, so if you’ve an aversion to acerbic wit, brutal honesty, and critical analysis... well, this may not be the thread for you. I have an intense fondness for Dark-themed stories, but if they aren’t well-executed, I’ll let you know why in excruciating detail. I will not touch anything with a human being in it, and tend to frown on crossovers in general. I have significantly less time available that my colleague here, so I’ll likely take on no more than three fics at a given time.

Nick: You have the right to hear honest feedback about your story, and I have the right to give that honesty. I make no promise to pander to your emotions. If I tell you your story needs work, then that is an indication of a fledgling success, not of failure. I will not lie and tell you a mediocre story is great. I will not seek to destroy your story, either. If you don't think you are able to handle criticism, please do not waste both your time and mine. I also still have the offer to review non-pony original fiction, as I think it’s important not to stick within the confines of this show.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 103292
New review thread? Hell yeah! Time to pull out the--
>Any fics involving Snails, a rock, and a hill, need not apply.
God dammit.

Well, at least I have an another story to submit.

Title: Beyond the Wall
Tags: [Dark] or [Sad] or [Slice of Life]; I cannot tell which.
Synopsis: My name is Whisperleaf, and I'm a good pony. I don't go into the forest around our village because that's where the forest monsters live.
Word Count: 5380
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15nAK4_FvTVhx9009fMe9UYJ8GAyEx4BjHZpf8XLzuxc/edit
>> No. 103296
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103296
>>103292
>Huh, I guess we have to claim in this, don't we?
>> No. 103302
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103302
>>103292
Plot Summary: It's The Village, except slightly different at the end. Definitely [Dark] other than [Sad], and [Slice of Life] isn't even possible.

Critiques:
You point out my grammar problems, so it's no surprise that this was pretty well-polished on a technical standpoint. It's actually a shining example of "why you can break some rules," as the comma splices and stuff help it feel more authentic.

Plot-wise, there's not much here (but simple != bad). My first major complaint is that Whisperleaf says "This was my first time hearing about my sister" after Fairy Dust explains, but didn't she overhear some of the older villagers talking to her mother about "her other child?"

My second major complaint is that you don't really give a coherent line of actions near the climax. Basically, it's two fillies near a hole in the wall, and one runs away. You don't really say why Whisperleaf runs, meaning, "what is her motive/who is she running to?" More importantly, though, why would Fairy Dust follow her? I like the "cut to death," as it's basically showing a very cheap and needless death (as is the case in most cult-related deaths), but I think you could've done a little more to connect the peak of the action to the final scene.

Like, a sentence will do.


So, yes. I enjoyed this. It's a decent take on an old idea, at the very least. I don't know what you can do about parallels with The Village other than to scrap and rewrite this, so I'll say that I liked this take on the idea slightly more, as it didn't end up with a scene right out of South Park. CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!!
>> No. 103305
Title: Gravity's Rainboom: Postmodernism is Magic

Tags: [Human] [Slice of Life] [Adventure] [Random]

Synopsis: Like all ‘bronies’ you’ve no doubt suffered countless sleepless nights and spent hours brooding over a rainy window wondering what would happen if famed postmodern writer Thomas Pynchon was somehow teleported to Equestria. Despair no longer for at last we have a fic that covers just that. Follow Pynchon as he tries to get home and ends up embroiled in a convoluted conspiracy that goes all the way to the top. A satire of the human in Equestria genre that has all the subtly of a hydrogen bomb. Oh and did I mention its pretentious, like really really pretentious. Have fun.

Word count:7505

Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9IaGadT6rw9M3RjTHdtZlAySmc/edit

Hey, sorry about that monstrous length, feel free to just skim it. I would like Nick to review this since Seattle doesn't realize how awesome HiE an be. I need help with basically everything, I want to edit it down so it isn't so...shitty but I need help. Please be absolutely brutal and cruel, I want to feel terrible about my story after you're through with it.
>> No. 103308
This thread is awesome and I will definitely be making use of it at some point.

>>103290
>implying I can crank out three one-shots a week
wat
>> No. 103323
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103323
>>103308
I'm feeling compelled to attempt writing again just to make use of it. I've fallen pretty far in terms of skill, but I know that when I have something to submit, I'll be ready for the ensuing brutality.
>> No. 103348
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103348
Oh, sweet, I guess I'll submit my-

>Nothing involving Snails

>Nothing involving humans

Goddammit. Uh, maybe the next story, then...
>> No. 103370
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103370
>>103302
> it didn't end up with a scene right out of South Park
GODDAMN MONGORIANS!!!
>> No. 103375
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103375
>>103305
Plot summary:
<insert generic brony-in-Equestria plot>. Except this tries to be self-aware.


Critiques
First off, your formatting is borderline atrocious. You're overly-fond of tildes, and you don't really break up portions of this that ought to get broken up. Chapter titles are treated as if they were any other paragraph, there's no real distinction between section breaks and perspective breaks, and all in all, this looks like you're trying to save space in an electronic document.

Stop it.

Give at least a page break between chapters, if you're not going to split them up across several documents.

Also, at around chapter one, your paragraph separators start to die. Generally, I prefer a double line break between paragraphs, but the standard is at least a tab indent. You did neither of these things, resulting in very large blocks of text.

And what does "Beyond the (Lesson) Zero: or In the (My Little) Zone(y): Or Welcome to Equestria" even mean? There's a lot of "Ors" in there, but I'm not entirely sure if this chapter had three mildly confusing (parentheses killed it) titles or one really confusing one.

Next, the quotes at the beginning of each chapter are really just distracting. I mean, at best, critiques and such like that are going to come off as pretentious and artsy, but that's going to be if you can relate them to the story at hand. I couldn't really make it past chapter one on this, but really, the quotes from Gravity's Rainbow feel out of place because... well... that book was good, and it made criticisms of society.

Which brings me to my main critique of this story: it's banal. Trite. Hackneyed. Cliche. Done to death.

You start out with a famous author-turned-brony, writing a fanfiction, getting rejected, then he gets struck by lightning while out walking on planning how to write a Human in Equestria story, and then he... wakes up as a human in Equestria. Bonus points if you're trying to do the "he actually died" ending, but this story starts so cliche, very few people are going to follow along until the end to see if that's what you were doing.

This story reminds me of Family Guy making fun of its own bad-ness. That doesn't make Family Guy and less bad, it just serves as a harrowing reminder that the writers and producers are aware of the problems, yet choose to do nothing about them.

Now, you do make a few quips about "standards being high in the fanfiction community," but you play them completely straight and, given the relative quality of this fic, it comes off as whiny. Here you are, with a mediocre fic, saying, "Fimfiction.net's standards are too high, they'd even knock Thomas Pynchon if he wrote something!" when, really, the community in-story (and right here) was rejecting his story because the grammar (of the sub-story) was off and the wordy, pausing style made it difficult to discern the action without really adding any artistic value.

And yes, I just reviewed a story within a story. But no, your satire of the fandom falls flat because you're basically taking a "victimized" voice and running with it, whereas anyone with half a brain is going to see, "Oh, this story's got a lot of issues."

As for "Love and Tolerance" not being applicable to stories, it's a bullshit sentiment in the first place that leads to hugboxing.

Anyway, your commentary falls even more flat when a famous, talented author is evaluating the "Human in Equestria" genre and he... completely misses the point of what people hate about it. "I'll use a college student,because a scientist or military guy would be cliche."

A professional author would not only deal with criticism in the first place a lot better than your portrayal of Pynchon, but he'd both understand his audience and write for it in the first place, so that he probably wouldn't have to sit and sulk that a bunch of teenagers knocked his (admittedly half-baked, drunkenly-written) story.

Next up, I dislike your narrative voice. It's supposed to follow the musings of a 64-year-old man also: spell out numbers when you're writing prose, yet they seem to be... quite youthful and unrefined (given that Pynchon is a famous author).

All in all, this almost feels like you're writing Pynchon how you want Pynchon to be. Which is both insulting to Pynchon and, sadly, another pitfall of Human In Equestria stories (warping characters to fit your own desires, a.k.a., wish fulfillment).

And then, after getting this far into the story, you managed to pull this one: In what should be a self-aware, deconstructive critique of Human in Equestria and the fandom at whole, you have Twilight Mess Up A Spell in order to summon Thomas Pynchon to Equestria.

And then, a self-proclaimed Brony doesn't recognize Twilight Sparkle when, by your descriptions, her proportions have been altered from a normal horse to fit the deer-like form of the G4 My Little Ponies.

That's where I called bullshit for the umpteenth time and just gave up on this story. Frankly, I don't know if you're writing this as a satire (and failing: you need to SUBVERT cliches, not use them all) or trying to write a "Human in Equestria" story, but this really doesn't bring anything new to the table. If you want to work on it to make it good for yourself, splendid; I've given you some fair critiques in this thread already, so you can address those if you want to improve this for the sake of improvement. For the sake of others' enjoyment, though, you really need to think about what direction you want to take this piece of literature in, and then work at going there better. Do you want a satire? Point out the bullshit in a skillful manner. Do you want an adventure plot? Tone down the whining about the fandom, and perhaps use something different than a human for a protagonist (a Diamond Dog gets teleported into Equestria, doesn't know where his home is on a globe, so he has to set out).

That's all I've got. I wish you good luck on future endeavors, but I'm not entirely sure about how successful this piece can or will ever be.

I'd love to be proven wrong, though.
>> No. 103376
>>103348
For the record, Snails stuff is allowed; that was just about one story that's been apparently passed around to all of the other reviewers.

And humans are too, but I'll probably get them instead of Seattle (unless you ask him; he's probably cool enough with you where he'd consider it).
>> No. 103380
>>103375
Hey, thanks so much for the review, I really appreciate it. Looks like I've got some work to do.
>> No. 103383
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103383
Title: Bloodline
Author: Jake the Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his way into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the blood begins to spill, it's up to the Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

Word Count: 13,200 between 4 chapters.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fjlnV3sAAi5v6WN9bOXK8KFHq6KASGhraltiCQVp89g/edit

Be aware, I've posted this in TTG. I'm trying to get as many eyes on as I can. I submitted to EqD, and while I've fixed the grammar mistakes they noted, the one thing they complained the prologue takes place solely on Earth. I claim this is a subjective criticism, as many stories have openings that take place elsewhere. Plus, every chapter afterwards takes place in Equestria, and, if I may toot my own horn for a bit, I think the opening is strong enough to make people keep reading. They also suggested that I fix this by combining the prologue and chapter one, but I think it would kill the flow of the story.

Be warned, Seattle, it's HiE.

Pic because Best Pony singing Best Band is Best Thing.
>> No. 103384
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103384
Putting in a request for a review.

Title: Smiling Flowers, Chapter 1
Genre Tags: [Normal], [Slice-Of-Life], [A Bit Sad]
Synopsis: A Cutie Mark is meant to represent the personality and special talent of each pony that has one. Cheerilee's flowers symbolize her students blooming, and their smiles are the cheer she brings. At least...that's what she tells everypony who asks. But after a horrible day at school shakes Cheerilee's confidence, she's forced to confront a question that has plagued her whole life...does a Cutie Mark determine a pony's true destiny?
Word Count: 8,208
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VjNVp9mkC2i0ZIuW3WrnmO0Gb0W55ASAgAN6DiYHRQY/edit

SOME NOTES: So this is Chapter 1 of my 3-4 chapter fic, my first attempt at an MLP fanfic. But what is more important is something I have to tell you guys - you are the Last Line Of Defense for this fic.

It has been seen by 3 other reviewers so far over the past 2 months, who have all given me great advice. Each time, the story has gone through some revisions. And now, I'm quite happy with where it is, and I feel like I'm almost ready to post it. I just want to get one more set of eyes on it and send it through one more set of edits before it gets to FIMFiction, and submitted to EQD. So basically, unless your comments are along the line of "This is the worst thing ever and you should be ashamed", once I make the edits that you guys suggest, this will be posted for the public (so far, the only people to see it are here on /fic/.

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to seeing your thoughts!
>> No. 103393
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103393
>>103292
Filler, I left some comments in the doc along with Nick, but he got to the actual review faster than I did. sneaky bugger
Regardless, I quite enjoyed it, well done mate.

>>103384
I got this one Nick. Have fun with the human fic.
>> No. 103414
I have an old, non-pony story of mine that I would be interested in getting an opinion on. I don’t think I have a particularly good grasp on analysing my own writing, so I’m interested in getting another opinion on it. I have a decent list of criticisms, but I’m not sure if they are valid, nitpicking, or completely off-base and I’ve been leaving it close to the way it is because it got a very strong positive reception from others even though I didn’t think it was particularly strong. Feel free to omit stuff if you think there’s something that “I should know already.” On that note, I’ve made a short list of general “criticisms” about the story. I’d appreciate it if you read over the story and at least made an outline of recommendations before looking at it, so that it doesn’t contaminate your judgement and make you see things that aren’t there. At the same time, I don’t want you to waste your time, so once you have a list of what you want to mention, feel free to check and avoid wasting your time giving an explanation about what I’ve already listed.
There’s no particular deadline, so feel free to just get around to it when you feel like it. I'm assuming this is Nick's cup of tea, but either of you are welcome to it.

Title: Rogsby

Genre: Somewhere around Sad or Dark, Non-Pony

Synopsis: Mr. Ranges, a construction, reflects on and retells the story of how he met Rogsby and how this meeting changed his life forever.

Wordcount: 5518

Here’s the link to the story:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/15RU7uykg9vOdPYCDlQ1JqN7C-Aqljy12c4RfdVmqB7o/edit

Here’s the link to the criticisms:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t_cszzPKEekoRayeAdaSLu8_laQrNFBvBYl2Zyv6W1Q/edit
>> No. 103416
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103416
>>103383
Review for this is mostly done, I'll be posting it tomorrow. It's not the greatest news in the world, so brace yourself, I guess.

>>103414
And I'll review this tomorrow, as I'm not sure if Arizona_Lite even does non-pony stories.
>> No. 103421
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103421
>>103384

Well Brian, you wanted a Last Line, and so you got it. The following are pretty major issues I have with your story.

As a personal note, I absolutely despise the colored, huge text of a title.

The bulk of the specific notations are in-doc.

Now, for Systemic Flaws-
Ellipses… There is always a space after them… You also use them… far too heavily.
Considerable adjective repetition.
You seem to have an entrenched phobia of pronouns.
When describing an individual’s emotions, “across x’s face” need not be applied every time.
Learn the difference and applications for M dashes and hyphens.
Narration tends to be flat - He did this. She said that, and that’s how it happened.
Narrative sentences should NOT begin with conjunctions.
Pacing is incredibly slow.


I’m not really feeling the psychological impact you’re trying to impart. At more than halfway through, you’ve had three “major” events in the story, and all of them are revolved around displacing Cheerilie’s self-worth. The issue is that you’re insistent on merely alluding to what the crux of the matter is, despite the fact that it was painfully obvious after the first instance.

One issue is that you’re going for the cutie mark coercion theme here, but Cheerilie’s CM is so abstract that’s the theme is a hard sell. Thinking about it, most ponies CM’s are such—not a definitive, but a more general indication of a predilection. Applejack’s is really the only one that comes to mind as being restrictive in any sense, and that’s mostly due to the heavy traditions of her family.

And suddenly cue Twilight and a predictable therapy session.

Okay, so C’s ‘special talent’ isn’t teaching. Fucking woop. It is utterly lost on me why this should be a matter of such imposed trauma and internal conflict. She’s growing a unique garden, and she’s a damned good teacher. I guess what the heart of the issue for me is that you’re trying to nail down a pony’s predilection as though it’s her only option, and to stray beyond it is some manner of sacrilege. I just don’t see such a narrow scope as an adequate device for the pathos you’re attempting to create here. Take Pinkie as an example. Her CM indicates parties. Yet her actual talents cover a far more vast scope, pretty much everything involving fun and bringing joy to ponies falls within it. As for Cheerilie, her CM ultimately signifies not teaching, but nurturing. The fact that she seems terrified that Twilight would consider her some sort of aberration for not wanting to be JUST a teacher is so far left field that I can’t even so far as to what do.

In all, I’d say trim up the exposition and meandering narration, address your systemic errors, speed up the pacing, and draw a considerably tighter focus on her mid-life crisis thing. This desperately needs more flare; I got bored halfway through and never recovered.

Oh, and your synopsis needs work.

Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 103436
>>103302
>My first major complaint is that Whisperleaf says "This was my first time hearing about my sister" after Fairy Dust explains, but didn't she overhear some of the older villagers talking to her mother about "her other child?"
The bit about "first time" has been removed.


Also, I have some follow up questions.

Regarding this:
> More importantly, though, why would Fairy Dust follow her?
I'm not sure what you mean, because Fairy Dust doesn't follow her back into the village.

>You don't really say why Whisperleaf runs, meaning, "what is her motive/who is she running to?"
I thought I made this somewhat clear with
>Because that’s what happens to ponies without Gaea’s love. They turn into forest monsters.
>[...]
>“I do, but I get the feeling that Gaea doesn’t love me back.”
and
>I ran straight to the elder’s house, since I thought he knew what to do.
Whisperleaf ran back to the village because she wanted to save Fairy Dust from being a monster. Was this too unclear?

Also, I'd like to bring up points from a previous review I received.

>Fairy Dust sat on Fungal Bloom’s roof which was only one story tall, so I could easily throw the ball up to her. It wasn’t too easy, though, because the sun was almost right behind her, except covered by the tall forest trees.
Is using the words "easily" and "easy" here too repetitive or self-contradictory?

>She laughed a happy laugh, covering her mouth with a hoof.
Is "a happy laugh" here redundant or unnecessary?


>>103393
>My only real critique would be that Whisper seems too young in the head for Fairy Dust to have established such a connection with him. At the least, she seems to have the capacity to be able to predict his dogmatic reactions.
I was hoping that "Fairy Dust and Whisperleaf are like super close friends" was enough to explain that. Not sure what you mean by this, though.


Thanks to both of you.

Dear Princess Celestia, I am god-awful at taking criticism.
>> No. 103437
>>103436

>>You don't really say why Whisperleaf runs, meaning, "what is her motive/who is she running to?"
>Whisperleaf ran back to the village because she wanted to save Fairy Dust from being a monster.
>Was this too unclear?
It still feels like there's a scene missing, or at least, a good explanation. Maybe expand on this plot point a little? I get that you want to keep the reader "in the dark" as to what happened, as you're following Whisperleaf, but while the fact that Fairy Dust dies is given explicitly, the circumstances could be hinted at better, in my opinion. If Fairy Dust didn't follow Whisperleaf back, how did she get caught, then?

Also, I'd like to bring up points from a previous review I received.

>Is using the words "easily" and "easy" here too repetitive or self-contradictory?
You could shoot for a synonym, but really, it worked for a kid's voice.

>Is "a happy laugh" here redundant or unnecessary?
Yeah, actually. I'd cut that, or condense it to, "She giggled like [INSERT HAPPY METAPHOR]"
>> No. 103447
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103447
>>103414
For the record, I enjoyed this. It's a concept I've seen before, but you did well with it, and I liked the questions that it raised.

Plot Summary:
A demolition surveyor runs into a homeless man in an abandoned mental facility. The homeless man teaches him a way of expressing sentiments and emotions, which leads to the surveyor becoming obsessed and, ironically, homeless.

Critiques:
My main issue with this was stylistic. Sure, I picked at grammar here and there, but I was rarely distracted by it. However, you had a very redundant way of phrasing things and repeating yourself. For example, in your first paragraph:

>I can only describe my time with him as surreal, not necessarily enjoyable, but something you never really believe happened.
>He’s just one of those people that no matter how well you get to know him, you never really know him.
>It was strange, almost like the more time I spent with him, the more real he became, the more I felt like it was all a dream.

These three sentences all basically say that Rogsby was surreal, which was summed up in the first half of the first sentence. Beyond that, the reiteration doesn't really add anything.

This problem cascades throughout the rest of your work, and frankly, was the biggest problem I found with the piece. Definitely go back through this and try to streamline the writing and eliminate redundant sentences. Make sure you try to only say things once at any given point in exposition (repetition / referring back to something later is fine).

After that, your scene transitions could use some work. Now, I almost liked the airy, flowiness of this piece, especially given the ending. However, I think that a little bit of formatting to demonstrate that time lapses between given scenes is a good thing; I pointed this out at one time during the story, but it was another sort of constant problem I noticed.

Moving to a narrower scope, I think the dialogue on this needs some work. It didn't quite sound natural to have people speaking in wall-of-text format; if anything, I wanted to hear some of the narrator's inner thoughts as they were connected to the speaker. Maybe his negative opinions of the asshole on the other end? When you said "the meeting didn't go well" or something to that regard, I realized you were technically correct, but it came as a realization because the character told me, rather than my being immersed in the dialogue itself.

And finally, the introductory paragraph to this story needs work. As it is, it's disjoint from the narrative, and it really sets up Rogsby---which messes with your pacing, a little, because he only shows up in the last quarter of the story. I liked the atmospheric sense of the abandoned hospital, and I especially liked the neo-mysticism of the berens, so that just leads me to the conclusion that you need to nix the intro so that when Rogsby appears, it's more mystical, and from there, you can work to build a picture without worrying about expectations.


Again, I enjoyed this piece, and I wish you good luck on making any revisions to this.
>> No. 103449
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103449
>>103383
Plot Summary:
An evil wizard in Houston, Texas kills a child to teleport to Equestria where he can start serial-killing ponies instead. A cop also gets teleported to Equestria, but unlike the wizard, he's still a human and possibly gets manticore-stung to death.

Also, there's the ponies of Ponyville, but frankly, they're wallpaper to this fic in its current incarnation.

Critiques:
Justification and cohesion.

The grammar on this one is mostly clean, which, given the number of reviewers you've run this through is hardly surprising. That's not a bad thing, just a mark of work well done, as it were. It could stand for another proofreading pass, but for the most part, my problems with this story come from content instead of syntax.

Mainly, justification and cohesion.

For justification, you're fighting an uphill battle with the premise of this one. By and large, the intended audience of this story dislikes "Human in Equestria," so yes, you're going to need to make sure that there's adequate reason to have humans in it and not, say, a monster.

From a reviewer standpoint, I'm not sure if you've hit that mark. The conflict in this story so far is largely, "Killer goes on the loose in Equestria, and one of the killers has to stop him." He starts in the Everfree Forest, of all places, so why can't this be a Zebra or Chimera or literally any other non-pony monster that's doing the killing? Iron Will and the Changeling Queen prove that sapience isn't reserved for ponies alone.

Now, you might say, "Well, I want there to be humans, so I used humans." Fair enough. However, know this: a story is like a machine, in that various parts must all work in harmony in order to accomplish a task. Some machines are simple, some are complex. When you add more moving parts to a machine, the complexity rises, and so does the amount of work for maintenance and the possibility for failure. In my experience, stories are the same way.

Equestria is a massive and diverse world, with many different races and species to work with. It's already pretty complex, but if I'm reading a My Little Pony fanfic, I'll accept that Equestria exists and so do all of its mythical beasts. However, if you tell me that a version of our planet / reality exists where it's possible to go to Equestria, instantly, my gut reaction is that of disbelief. "How?" Your answer, "magic," only begets more complexity, as now you've created a version of Houston, Texas where magic is real. How do the police react to this? Surely, this man isn't the first wizard to hurt people.

But yes, I hope you see what I mean about complexity. My point off that is that I don't think you do well enough to justify this added complexity, and given that it's Humans in Equestria, that's fairly important.

Moving on, "cohesion." If I throw away my restraints of humans in Equestria (which I wouldn't if I were reading this legitimately), you give a lot of focus to scenes that don't really have any bearing to the story. You're allowed some fun when you're setting your story, fair enough. But in Chapter One, I'm shown "Twilight prepares for a lecture," "Princess Luna presides over court procedures," and "Berry Punch gets brutally killed." Three ponies. Three different settings. What's the relation? Well, in Chapter Two, you go ahead and tell us... about the cop who also got transported to Equestria, and possibly dies. But in Chapter Three, we get "Rainbow Dash and Big McIntosh are sleeping together," "Little Foal Goes Into the Everfree Forest," and finally, FINALLY, "Twilight sees that Berry Punch has been brutally murdered."

It's a tie, but you definitely took a while to get around to making it, and there's a lot of loose ends still. Why is there the Luna scene? Why was there the focus on Twilight preparing for her lecture that she gave in the start of chapter three?

All in all, I've got two suggestions that I think will work for the better of this story:

1) Omit the humans
As of this writing, they add more complexity to this story than is justified, and they don't really add anything other than "relatable characters," as they're... human, instead of ponies. It's possible to relate and empathize with ponies, though, so I'm not sure why the species of the killer / his (possibly dead) pursuer has to be "Homo Sapiens." Once you get rid of humans, though, this can be a "purer" My Little Pony story, and you're not going to have the doubly-hated combination of "HiE" and "Grimdark."

The story, as it is, doesn't need humans. It doesn't need ponies, either, but really, if you're going to have one, you shouldn't have the other, unless you want to do a lot of work explaining it.

2) Change the order of presentation
Regardless of what alien being is going around killing ponies, you need to have the scenes flow better. Honestly, I'd start with Berry Punch being killed in the prologue. Really expand that scene (without making it a gore-fest; focus on emotions, perhaps a chase? Samurai once told me chases are good). Then, start the story with Chapter Three, which is basically a good "starting" chapter of "life is normal, then little kid finds the remains of a murder victim, and really, this should have been the first chapter to begin with."

Believe me when I say, "Chapter 2 and the parts about humans are interesting, but dead weight on the narrative about the killer, if the killer's not human and doesn't need to be human."

REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK OF SUGGESTION #1, DEFINITELY CONSIDER SUGGESTION #2


In closing, and because I've noticed you doing a lot of work on this story to get it posted on a blog I may or may not be a prereader for... To be blunt, this story is a lot farther away from "Equestria Daily" than I think you think. That's not saying that Equestria Daily is the end-all be-all of My Little Pony fanfiction, but for better or worse, there's a lot more restrictions on the stories that get posted on Equestria Daily. I don't want to make any claims for the rest of the prereader staff, but there's a reason that there aren't a lot of Human in Equestria stories up there: you're writing for an audience when you try for Equestria Daily.

If you want to be one of those that breaks that mold, you're going to have to make this story impeccable, a professional-level work of art that they'd be shamed to not post. But in order to do that, you're going to have to work like hell on improving this, especially justifying the reason for having humans. I'm not sure how that'd work with your two strikes already on this, but in a time spent vs. "Equestria Daily postability" metric, it'd probably be less work in the long run to put your chips on "normal MLP murder mystery story," not "Human killing My Little Ponies."

But finally, I'd like to point out that I respect you for your dedication to your story. You've made progress on it for two months, and apparently educated revisions (given by the fact that you ignored some of my prior critiques). On top of that, you've been fighting an uphill battle with /fic/ because, for the most part, reviewers here don't like Human in Equestria (I saw how long you waited in the Training Grounds).

If you continue working on this story, I have no doubts that it will eventually be good. However, "good" doesn't always mean "made it to Equestria Daily." I don't say that to razz on you or Equestria Daily, but I get the vibe that you've got your sights set on the blog and that alone. Focus on making your story good. You're a talented writer, and there is potential in this story.

Just don't get crushed if that potential lies in places without fortune and fame.
>> No. 103451
>>103436
>I was hoping that "Fairy Dust and Whisperleaf are like super close friends" was enough to explain that
Yeah mate, I get that part, no problem. My concern revolves around two things - 1) FD is far more intelligent and inquisitive than Whisper, to such a degree that it really feels like she’s at least several years older than he is, which leads to 2) Being so much more cognizant, I’d expect that she would at the VERY LEAST be aware of his dogmatic and simple mindset, and should therefore have predicted his reaction. If she cared about him as her best friend, she’d have vacillated more seriously about him, and have tried harder to change his mind.
I think just a few lines of internal and external dialogue from her and between them along these lines would make the evolution of events much more believable. This argument is predicated by the fact that pull of Whisper’s child-like perspective SO well, that FD comes across as too glaring a contrast to his simplicity to be his BFF. Just a really strong disparity there given her lack of foresight and consideration where he’s concerned, especially as it gets her killed.

In any case, a relatively minor concern for a well-executed one-shot.
>> No. 103482
File 133764568953.gif - (423.50KB , 509x406 , Cheerilee Derp.gif )
103482
>>103421

First off, huge thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. Lemme touch on a few of your smaller points first.

-Good lord I use ellipses a lot. I just did a search of the document...150 uses. That is completely ridiculous and I'm glad you brought it up. I'm going to hire a team of professional Pac-Mans to get that number WAY down.

-In fact, I'm really happy you went into such detail about systemic stuff. I'm a mechanical engineer by trade, so my expertise lies far, far away from thinking words good together yes. Thank you for taking the time to not only point out specifics, but also general problems I need to work on.

-Pacing, it appears, I overcompensated for. One of the reviews I got said the pacing was too fast - the chapter whipped by, just hurling things at Cheerilee before the big reveal. Seems like I over-compensated, so now I have to find the right middle ground.

Anyway, onto the bigger issue with the story.

My goal with this story is not to say "OMG SHE WENT AGAINST HER CUTIE MARK WHAT A SHCOKER!". The fact that she did that certianly isn't a major deal...Rarity is a gem finder, but she designs dresses. You detailed how the same applies to Pinkie Pie. Going partially against a Cutie Mark (or, in Cheerilee's case, very much against her Cutie mark)

The story is not about what Cheerilee did...it's about her emotions, and how she reacted. As you mentioned, it doesn't seem like a huge deal that Cheerilee went against her cutie mark...the point of the story is that, to HER, it is a big deal. As someone who has fought anxiety my whole life, I can tell you that to someone with an insecurity, even a small detail like that can have a drastic effect on you, and it could take years for them to get over their insecurities (precisely the message that will be in this story).

There is a lot more to this story. Cheerilee's backstory is going to be revealed, which will go into detail all about her Cutie Mark...how she got it, why she's insecure about it, why, if she is a gardener, she chose to become a teacher instead, etc etc. It's details that will really explore Cheerilee as a character.

These explanations will all come...in Chapter 2.

Perhaps you see the dilemma that I face.

If I give away all that backstory in Chapter 1, then Chapter 2 is utterly devoid of intrigue, and the reader has no hook. If I keep that backstory in Chapter 2, I run the risk of having a reader get bored and wander off, since the other big Chapter 1 hook (the reveal of Cheerilee's "special talent") isn't exactly hard to see coming.

So now I ask you...do you have any suggestions for how I can find the perfect balance between these? Any sort of ideas you can give for this would be hugely appreciated.

And again, thank you so much for your review...it was EXACTLY what I was looking to get out of my "Last Line Of Defense" review.
>> No. 103485
File 133764797064.jpg - (32.55KB , 500x500 , Awefulfun.jpg )
103485
[Normal]

They've lived together for three months now, and yet, there are still issues in the lives of Octavia and Vinyl Scratch.

Words: 3940 I counted them myself.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kCRLdUY-_-BhfcIna3HiHj3TAdZP4lzi6KqWqhGJlOU/edit

I do believe this is the story people liked better out of my two write-off entries. And I sort of feel like a dick if I don't do something with this when I know people at least liked it on a basic level.

Please and thank you!
>> No. 103517
>>103449
Thanks for the brutal honesty, brother.

You make a fine point on the "lose the humans" thing. I thought about it, and I realize that even considering the down the road plot I have planned, making Barlow and Pomeroy just normal OC ponies would make things a lot simpler. But part of me wonders if it's worth the effort.

Yes, I do really want to get posted to EqD. I just feel it's a goal I want to attain, to be counted among the finer artists in our epic little fandom. Maybe it's a stupid goal, but it's my stupid goal. You can call it a desperate need for recognition, and you'd probably be right. My self-esteem kinda sucks hard, and I just want to make it there, a place where I finally feel I can.

Now, that being said, I'm down to one more strike. If I did completely rewrite huge chunks and ditch the whole human aspect, effectively changing the entire scope of the plot, is there any way you could talk to the other people at the blog you may or may not preread for about giving me a fresh start? Would that be a major enough rewrite to garner that? Because if it doesn't, then I basically have no chance. I'm just not that good of a writer to get it right in one try.

There may or may not be cookies in it for you...
>> No. 103548
>>103447
Thanks so much for the review. I really appreciate the input and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'll try to spend some time revising and as per your suggestions. I'd like to ask a few questions upfront to make sure I understand what you are saying.

>your scene transitions could use some work
Was this just a formatting suggestion that I need to add scene breaks between time and location shifts or do I need to tighten up the writing at the transitions specifically as well? You didn't mention anything that I would need to change besides the formatting, so if the transitions between scenes need work, then any suggestions as to where they are lacking or how they should be improved would be very helpful.

With the suggestion to nix the opening paragraph, I was wondering what you would recommend as the hook. The opening paragraph is disconnected from the rest, but it does have the advantage of piquing general interest. A naive removal of that paragraph would leave a section of exposition dump as the hook, which probably wouldn't work well. So do you have any particular suggestions about what would work for the hook once the beginning paragraph is gone?

Again, thanks for the review. This is mostly a response after a cursory once over, so I'll probably have a more thorough look over it in a few days.

Thanks again for the review
>> No. 103564
File 133771622693.gif - (336.54KB , 140x156 , The Only Pinkie Pic I Own.gif )
103564
>>103548
>Transitions
It's more of a "formatting and writing" thing. For example, did you see how the wording had to change a little around that one scene break I showed up? It's mostly little stuff like that.

>Hook
Personally, I think that homeless culture is interesting enough that you could start with a mild documentary-like exposition of them (kind of like how you have), and ramp up the danger they pose to the main character of this piece. You could get some foreshadowing in there, even, and definitely ramp up the tension of the first time he goes into the mental facility.


Queue
Email story (Privacy for spoilers)
Email story (Gore)

And Seattle told me he's taking
>>103485
>> No. 103567
File 133771786154.png - (203.77KB , 2000x1052 , 131141061835.png )
103567
>>103485
>soon

>>103482
>do you have any suggestions for how I can find the perfect balance between these?
Hard to say without seeing ch 2 and knowing what you're alluding to. At this point, I'd suggest trimming down chapter 1 and not releasing it until chapter 2 is ready, then submit them together.
>> No. 103572
>>103567

In that case, may I e-mail you a general summary of chapter 2 so you'll have an idea of where the story is going?

Because to be honest, I don't like the idea of combining chapters 1 and 2...
>> No. 103596
File 133774227263.jpg - (6.35KB , 225x225 , 3495862-345809.jpg )
103596
Ah another review thread graces /fic/ with it's presence, and it's the two reviewer's I've heard so much about too. May I just say that from what I've heard, you must be legends.

Enough flattery, I'm here for a reason.
I wrote this up nearly two months ago, and it's been improved tremendously since then, but it still has a lot of cleaning up to do. It features a human but only for a very brief period of time. He becomes a pony later. I hope to send it to EQD eventually, but even I know it's not even close yet. I offer it to your discerning eyes.

>Title
Pinkie my Friend
>Tags
[Shipping][OC][HIE][Normal]
>Synopsis
I had always loved talking to Pinkie Pie online, and I always wished I could meet her. Then one day she found me. Everyone said she would one day shatter the fourth wall completely. Well, she did it, and I get to live with her In Ponyville. This is the story of how I met my best friend.
>word count
10,321 words
>Link
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16380/Pinkie-my-friend
I am in the process of trying to convince Google Docs to cooperate. I'll resend the link if it works.
>> No. 103618
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103618
>>103485
YES! I can't wait untill this is finished reviewing. I may have exhausted my enjoyment for it in the write off but I certainly hope not. I cannot express my excitement that this will live on! You rock dude!
>> No. 103620
>>103572
Brian, my sincere apologies, but my inbox is pretty flooded at the moment, and I've got a fair amount on my plate, to say nothing of non-pony things.

I wasn't suggesting merging chapters. Merely streamlining the first as your hook intro, then finishing the second that has the real background meat. Then submitting chapters one and two together for full consideration. Does that make sense?

>>103596
Please go easy on the flattery. Nick starts to preen compulsively, and before you know it, the office is just fucking covered in feathers.
>> No. 103641
File 133778025518.png - (132.57KB , 416x422 , Cheerilee Math.png )
103641
>>103620

Ohhhhh, I see what you're saying. So keep them separate, but have them posted at the same time so that people can immediately read Chapter 2. I do like that idea.

I totally understand about being swamped, that's fine. Once again, huge thanks for the review and the feedback!
>> No. 103703
File 133781799408.jpg - (72.52KB , 600x600 , Allegory.jpg )
103703
>>103620
I will murder you
>> No. 103705
And now I can't help but see you two as Gilda and Dash. I am now even hearing the writing on their voice.

And it is weird as hell.

Just thought I would share that.

Yeah...
>> No. 103713
File 133782541129.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
103713
>>103596
This is really a mess. I'm going to forgo a standard review and give a brief summary of what I don't like about this story:

>(author's note: just warning you now, these first two chapters are mostly introductory, as in they set up the story. I'd recommend reading them, but I'm the author I'm supposed to say that, but if you want to skip to chapter three you won't miss much)
As a reader (granted, a reader-for-hire, but still), this offends me. Here, you gave me a story to read, right? Ten chapters, 10k words, yet you're going to just out and say, "Oh, the first two chapters are pointless, don't read them." You've already wasted my time, then, because you knowingly put "unnecessary" parts of your story into your "story." To be blunt, if you know they're not important, don't include them and start at chapter three. If you have some purpose for them (introduction is good, as long as you establish the conflict that your story is going to address and perhaps resolve).

As an Equestria Daily Prereader, I think this fandom, by and large, doesn't understand what an "author's note" allows you and doesn't allow you to do. It does allow you to address certain issues about the story on a meta level (meaning, "Author's note: sorry for the infrequent updates, I've been busy IRL" is fine. "Author's note: this story is low quality, just roll with it" is... doesn't really excuse you the low quality).

>“HEY, that’s what I said!”
>Breaking the fourth wall yet again, the little pink pony grabbed the blackening screen and forced her head through, so as to claim ownership of her previous advice. I smiled, oh that Pinkie Pie. As I sat back from watching yet another episode of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, I thought about how much I wished Pinkie Pie could reach into our dimension and cheer us all up. It was a common thing among fans, or Bronies as we liked to call ourselves, to discuss Pinkie Pie’s frequent shattering of the figurative “fourth wall”. We all loved her so much, and she seemed almost like you could just reach through the screen and touch her, smell her cotton candy mane, see Ponyville through her eyes. Wishful thinking I suppose.

I got past the stupid author's note, and here it is. The first paragraph. Your big opener, your one chance to let me, your reader, know that this is going to be worth reading... and you bore me. There's passive tense, rough grammar, inefficient languaging, and---worst of all---it's everything that's wrong with "Brony in Equestria" stories. It's whiny, wishy, and above all, it's been done before. Constantly. When you're writing in an oversaturated genre, it's important to set yourself apart from the pack as early as possible, and to not fall into the pitfalls of "I want to write a story that's like _____," except I'm the one writing it.

That's what a private file on your computer is for.

>I sighed and settled for the next best thing. Grabbing my laptop from my bedside table, I opened it and opened up the internet. I clicked the bookmark for my favorite pony page, titled Pinkie Pie’s Page, and was greeted with a screen-size image of the pink party goddess herself pressing her adorable face against the screen.

This has now gone from "whiny" to "sad." Not "sad" as in "Oh, poor narrator," but more like, "You spoiled brat. Act your goddamn age." In this paragraph and the one above it, you've established that the narrator is American (by your languaging), has a television, in his room, with subscription to premium cable, a laptop computer, Internet access...

You want people to pity your narrator? Give them something worth sighing about. Protip: "Oh, my favorite TV show isn't real" isn't an actual conflict, it's... it's "white girl problems," with the stereotype being that some white girls are so well-to-do that they have to invent their own problems. Like The Gap closing at 8:00 on a Thursday when Jenni (with an 'i') got a new pair of low-cut jeans, and if I show up at school tomorrow without one, I'm just going to, like, die, because then Brian's going to ask her to the Spring Dance.

Except... I'd venture a mildly-biased guess to say that "romance" is a more valid conflict than "I wish Pinkie Pie were real." So congratulations, two paragraphs into this, and we're at, "I wish this story had the emotional depth and range as some of the girls I used to go to high school with."

>Pinkie Pie” I said, smiling as I admired the background. I scrolled down, browsing the many pictures pinkie’s admin had posted. Many of them were fan made. My favorite was of Pinkie Pie from when she had taken photos of herself in a photo booth, while imagining her time at the Grand Galloping Gala. I just couldn’t get over that enormous smile that bordered on scary. I laughed a bit when I noticed her eyes were a little ‘derped’ in this shot, meaning one was pointed up and the other was pointed down.

What is this paragraph telling us? That "I looked at pictures on the Internet?" You... I...

*gets up*
Congratulations, author. You have awoken a terrible, virulent beast.
*gets out the Reviewing Vodka*

>I copied and pasted the photo as my profile picture, I just couldn’t resist, the image was just so me
OH MY GOD, YOU ARE ACTUALLY WRITING THIS AS A VALLEY GIRL.

>I loved Pinkie Pie so much because she was exactly like me; such a party animal; so random and energetic, but also making little sense to those around her.
I used to run around with a guy who flunked out of state-sponsored college. To put this into perspective, I once didn't turn in homework for one of my major, upper-level classes. I merely studied for two hours before the two tests, and I walked out of that class with a "C." For... six hours of work, throughout an entire 18-week semester. So no, this guy partied from Thursday to Monday, rarely sober, dealt drugs that I don't think I can talk about on this website, and had a strange penchant for running up and down the hallway, naked, screaming, "IT'S TIME FOR THE PARTY MONSTER!"

He was a "party animal." Pinkie Pie's a tame, professional caterer by comparison.

>I had been diagnosed with ADHD but that wasn’t a thing in pony Ville. Oh how I wished to live there,
yet you can't even spell it
>the party would never end!
We had to take that guy to the hospital twice. Parties need to end eventually.

>Another photo showed Pinkie Pie breaking through the screen, and was titled, “Pinkie Pie broke the fourth wall so we could all come and join her in Ponyville”. Many people had brohoofed the photo, I did as well, and of course added my two cents to the comments below.
What the Christ is "brohoofing" a photo?

You remember that long, pointless paragraph about how you were browsing the Internet? THEN would have been a good time to explain terminology of the website if you're going to be doing shit like "brohoofing" photos.

>brony1: one day this will be true
>brony2: we love you pinkie pie
>brony3: /)
>me: if only it were true, I’d party with pinkie all day, it would never stop.
Ah, the Internet, bringing together people of like interests since 1993.

Seriously, though, this is literally writing the comments section of... Ponibooru? Some sort of social network? Why are you showing us this?

>I scrolled up to the most recent post,
>“Hey everypony, how are ya all doin’ today?”
>I gave my usual reply, “Feelin’ Pinkie keen” making a pun off of my favorite Pinkie Pie episode. I chuckled, before long I received a couple of updates saying a few people had brohoofed my post. Another update informed me that Pinkie Pie had also commented. “Lol I see whatcha did there ;)” By the time I had refreshed the page to see it, it too had a few brohoofs.
I have no way of knowing this based on the story, but I'm sure that this is actually Pinkie Pie. That's mainly because this story is so shallow and vapid that there's no room for conflict or sadness, so of course the narrator's going to meet Pinkie Pie instead of coming to the cold, hard truths of his mortality... I mean, "that Ponyville doesn't exist."

Because, I mean, dying means nothing if you can't live in a world without Pinkie Pie.


>“So how about you Pinkie, what have you been up to today?” I wrote back. I loved starting conversations with the admin, I knew it was just a human who was role-playing as Pinkie Pie, but I liked to believe it was really her.
hah, dramatic irony
>“Oh just starin’ through a screen at you humans lol.” came the reply.
>“You should come through the screen and join us!” I replied. I always loved these kinds of comments; it was interesting to see what the admin would come up with.
>“Hmm well, I’ve been trying without much success lately, maybe Twilight can help.”
>“Maybe” I posted.
I don't feel like I can adequately explain how much I hate this passage.

Let's summarize it: nine paragraphs into an "introductory chapter" that has no bearing on the plot (from your lovely Author's note, mind you), you are recounting the troubles of a narrator who 1) Wishes a television show were real, 2) exists in a genre that is famous for cliche, trite, wish-fulfillment, and 3) IS TALKING TO AN ENTITY, OVER THE INTERNET, THAT IS, IN REALITY, HIS FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM THE SHOW.

That's my main problem with this story in general: there's no suspense, no buildup, no complexity. It just be what it do, and that is to be "whiny, over-priviliged teenager with a "learning disorder" has it so hard, he needs Ponies to cope."

That's the main reason I hate this fandom. You know what happened a few years ago when my world collapsed, leaving me feeling helpless and with virtually nothing I could do in a situation? I whined about it and it got better. No, wait, I grew a pair and fucking met it head-on. No, I'm not in a great position now, but fuck if I'll be damned pissing around whining about how "Oh, gee, I wish I could go to Equestria."

I wish I could go to the moon, which is a place that exists, but technologic and social limitations mean that probably won't happen within my lifetime. You know what I do? I cope. It's not going to happen. And I move on.

>A few minutes later the reply came, “She says she doesn’t know any spells that involve inter-dimensional travel sorry :(” I refreshed the page and noticed Pinkie Pie’s latest post. It was a picture of a very excited looking pinkie pie, at the top was posted “LET’S PARTY!” Smiling I made a comment, “YAY PARTY!”

>A few hours later, after many Pinkie Pie songs had been played, I posted directly on the page.
>“I wish I could come party with you wherever you are Pinkie Pie” The alert came that she had posted.
>“Yeah! That would be awesome XD!” For some reason I felt the need to emphasize,
>“I do really mean it though, most people don’t get that” Her reply soon came
>“Well you seem like a pretty cool guy, I hope we do meet someday”

Okay, now we're back to more vapid conversation, nothing new, nothing exciting...

>Suddenly I got that weird feeling again. It’s not something I can really describe to you; I suppose it would be best to say it was sort of a ‘spark’ in my brain if you will.
Talk to any neurologist, every feeling is some sort of "spark" in your brain.
>In any case I’d gotten this funny feeling only a few times before, there was no mistaking it. I posted immediately “Whoa! I get the feeling we’re definitely going to meet someday, the only problem is it doesn’t specify when”
Okay, great. Your narrator has psychic powers of where this story is going. Sure, they're unexplained, but maybe since he lives in a vacuum with nothing else but a TV(?) and laptop and bed, his world is so simple that all of reality flows along a linear path, with no deviations other than what is predestined to happen (Nameless Narrator meets Pinkie Pie, story at... hah, there's no story in this).

>It had been over a year since this sixth sense of mine had gone off, it was never specific, but it had always been right. “Twitchy tail? Wow you and I really are alike” came her response.
>“Yeah, it goes off at random, and it’s usually right too, there was only one time I didn’t actually meet the person but it could still come true technically” This of course was a lie, well sort of. I got the feeling I would meet Pinkie Pie, but I knew that couldn’t be true so I likened it to her admin, still possible.
...

"Yeah, it's always true, except one time that it didn't come true, but it might still come true."

THIS IS WHY NEW AGE BULLSHIT IS BULLSHIT.

Ironically, I thought that this story wouldn't have any more surprises in stock. However, I see that it's found a new way to infuriate me.

>“Ooh sounds interesting, oh now I really really do want to meet you.”
>I thought for a moment
>“maybe we could meet at the next Bronycon, where do you live?”
>“Bronycon? What’s that? I live in Ponyville silly.” Wow, I forgot this was a role-playing page.
>“Oh it’s this big event where all of us humans who watch you guys gather to have a big party”
>“Ooh sounds fun can I come?” She really did sound like Pinkie Pie. “Sure Pinkie Pie, just break through the fourth wall and come join us!”
If this is a role-playing page, why is the author not assuming a persona?

>I laughed, if only the real Pinkie Pie could.
YES, if ONLY.

I've said it up before when I was suffering through this ordeal of a story, this story is way too simple and cliche to hold anyone's attention if they're over the age of 13 (maybe younger, if the kid's an avid reader). Seriously. You can't just call "oh, this story's really good, trust me" in an Author's Note, then proceed to bore the hell out of everyone in the first chapter. That's not what "first chapters" are for.

This story needs a conflict, and it needs a realistic solution to the conflict in order to bring it together in a manner that is both satisfying and fulfilling. MEANING, don't tell us, "Author was sad, then he met Pinkie Pie!" That's a bullshit story and you know it. That's why there's a stigma against "HiE" stories that exist on like some sort of alternate version of Earth where everything sucks just as much BUT there's a release of Ponies. At least Maverick despite the author being a git had the balls to make everything in the world be post-apocalyptic and shitty, and have Equestria be more akin to a prison than anything. But virtually no one wants to, for pleasure, read a story where the author gets everything given to them, magically, and they don't have to work for the ending or learn anything along the way.

Which is exactly how this story feels.

So, basically, I'm saying this: you need to beat the following two sentences with your story:

"One day, Mike was sad because he didn't have $5. Then he found $5 on the ground."

for me to take it seriously as a piece of literature.

Until then, this is me, having some regrets about downing ~4 shots over the duration of this "review."
>> No. 103724
Okay, let's try this.

Title: All The Good THings
Genre: [Sad][HiE/PoE]
Synopsis: Vince always knew it was odd for a human to be friend with Equestrians, but he was convinced their little group of five would last forever, but now, meeting them all again, he has to wonder how the group has fared the test of time, distance, and tragedy.
Word count: 3839
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JR7UUCadm9lWhnvO08Xor8-XoJhdIereFa58cJnsLCQ/edit

This was my submission for the last /fic/ writeoff, and I thought I'd give PoE a chance. From what I gathered, my biggest concerns are that it's not pony enough, and that it is more or less average so far as stories go. I'm not sure if I should take vimbert's advice and make it original fiction, but here it is.
>> No. 103742
Hello there,

To make a long story short, I wrote a story and my goal is to get it on EqD. My 3 editors and I have already went over it extensively, however upon submitting it to EqD I was rejected because of basic grammatical errors. I am really bad at grammar (science major here) and I was wondering if you kind fellows can help me. I would like your honest opinion the story, if it sucks then please tell me. Basically, does my story have the potential to be on EqD? I need help on locating these grammatical errors.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold

It has been up for about two -three days, I am at 13 Likes and 1 dislike.

I could greatly use any help.

Also to any mods out there, sorry bout posting a topic about. Yes I actually misread the rules.
>> No. 103744
Woops sorry bout earlier post.

Title: March to the Scaffold
Genre: Sad, Dark, Slice of Life (probably removed on future chapters)
Word Count: 4k
Link: I posted it earlier but forgot this part, but here is the link again.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27280/March-to-the-Scaffold

Description: Chrysalis is brought to trail in Canterlot for her failed invasion.

As I mentioned above, it was rejected by EqD due to basic grammatical issues. Problem is I have really bad time with grammar. Thats why my 3 editors and I spent hours going over it. I am surprised to see a it failed for that. I would like you honest opinion.
>> No. 103745
File 133783529869.png - (46.11KB , 164x187 , scootaderp.png )
103745
>>103713
Did it really come off as that whiny? Oops, I was going for the "I love this show and wish to enter Equestria as a pony" feel. Now that you mention it, you're right, this isn't a good conflict. That's an enormous hole that I guess I just never noticed before.

Finally, a well explained, valid reason as to why I should scrap this story, or at least start over.

Just to sate curiosity, I think I'll tell you that most of the online chat was taken from real pages on facebook, and the brohoof was because I have ponyhoof.

Many thanks for the review, sorry for ruining your night. Best review I've ever gotten
>> No. 103753
>>103745
I don't know what "Ponyhoof" is either, so my point still stands. Still, far from "ruining my night," I'm impressed that you took the appropriate message from that cascade of bile. I wish you good luck on whatever you decide to turn this story into.
>> No. 103828
File 133791905833.png - (112.55KB , 292x322 , 133474211762.png )
103828
>>103485
You’re getting a pass for blowing off the genre tag requirement here, just because it’s you.

Now then, let’s see what’s going on in this here fix. Ah, another Tavi / Vinyl fic. I can dig that.

> the steady drumming of the new dishwasher
I’m guessing you wrote this after that badass “Epic Wub Time” vid was released.

>It was normally ran fairly quietly
cut “was”, and you should semicolon this to the previous sentence.

>dubtrot
fuck yes.

>one more time.
missing closing quotation mark

Octavia’s internal musings are coming off as increasingly rather pedantic.

>Her eyes scanned the room, looking for whatever had broken.
This is clunky.

>first moved together
“in”

>Cutting her off, Vinyl said, “Whoa, chill out it’s in large three pieces and—”
comma/other mark needed, an a lil rephrase-
>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst, “Whoa, chill out(,)/(!) (i/I)t’s in (three whole/big) pieces and—”

Narration is a bit lacking. Instead of saying “she sunk into the water”, throw in a descriptor, such as steaming, or hot. You want to create an impression and an experience, not just an action.

>Didn’t know you were still in here. I’ll ask my question later.
How does this make sense? She wants to ask a question, seeks Tavi out, and then says “I didn’t know you were in here”?

>She scrambled back in the water.
She’s still in the water. Perhaps-
>She recoiled against the porcelain wall of the tub.
or some such.

>protocols regarding
stray space

>the fading hoofsteps of Vinyl,
clunky

>her let her gaze drift
pronoun confusion

>She took pride in how neat her bedroom was kept.
clunky

Tavi’s really coming off as a petty twat at the “oh i’m gonna break her favorite record” scene.

A lot of the dialogue feels superfluous or flat in respect to the character you’re portraying in a given situation.
One EG-
>I think I left it in your room that day I showed it to you, but had to leave really quickly when I realized I was late for work.
For Vinyl, wouldn’t it be more like-
>I think I left it in your room when I showed it to you, but I had to bail when I realized I was late for work.

The descriptive exposition isn’t very engaging. Take the living room scene. It’s like- “table there. couch past it. door over there.” I’m not getting any sense of ambiance to the environment at all.

Please, PLEASE don’t begin a narrative sentence with a conjunction. My eye starts to twitch.

>brushed off cobwebs
should be
>brushed off the cobwebs
or
>brushed away the cobwebs

Are you actively *trying* to make Tavi come off as a petty, obsessive femoral artery or what dude? Cuz if so, you’re winning.

So much Tell. SO MUCH.

> wait for her to become mellow.
this makes little sense

>mare’s I know
why you possessive apostrophe?

>she slowly began to grin.
Nyet. This kind of phrasing is terribly bland. How’s about-
>a grin slowly spread across her muzzle.

>However, Although, etc
You start way too many sentences/paragraphs with these.

You have the occasional tense disagreement. Not on a systemic level or anything, looks more accidental than anything given how rarely it occurs.

>“Even you have to admit it got a bit out of hoof.
closing quotations

I dunno mate. There aren’t really any *systemic* grammatical errors, but this piece just feels rushed, reads flat, and as a consequence fails to establish any real immersion or consistent emotional tone. Much of the narration is stilted, the phrasing awkward, and sentence structure disconcerting. One of the oddest things about this piece is Octavia’s recurrent obsession about “the rules”. Yes, she’s a refined mare, but you play this theme so heavy that it just starts to grate, and I have no idea why you’re taking it to such an extreme of repetition. Off hand, I can’t recall if I’d read something from either of your pen-names previously, so I’ve no immediate basis of comparison, but this one-shot has left me considerably unimpressed. Regardless, cheers man, keep writing.
>> No. 103851
File 133792385248.png - (299.67KB , 588x819 , 6cTwC.png )
103851
>>103828
A question:
>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst, “Whoa, chill out(,)/(!) (i/I)t’s in (three whole/big) pieces and—”
I'm looking at the comma after "outburst" and thinking it should be a period. It's a grey area (to me, at least) since "cut off" isn't strictly a said-ism, so I've always had trouble with them. Is there a hard and fast rule for that, or do you just choose one or the other based on how you want the sentence to flow?

What I mean is, I'd do this with it:
>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst. “Whoa . . ."
...but I'm not sure if that's right.
>> No. 103857
>>103851
>how you want the sentence to flow?
This is what it comes down to.

>Vinyl cut her off mid-outburst.
The problem with this, would be *how* she did it.
For instance, you could go -
>Vinyl rose a hoof, cutting off her outburst. "Whoa, chill out..."

In another approach, the way Shadow's using it, the "cut off" is a verbal action, allowing for the dialogue tag punctuation.
>> No. 103865
>>103857
I thought so, but I greatly appreciate the clarification.

I shall take my leave now.
>> No. 103885
File 133793072422.jpg - (525.14KB , 3226x2000 , 130294199790.jpg )
103885
>>103865
You're always welcome round these parts Sturm. Give my best to Nicole.
>> No. 103904
File 133794572550.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
103904
All right, email stories are finished, so I'm working on this one next:
>>103724


>>103742
is up for grabs

>>103851
>>103865
A mod's already told you once, so please take your attention-mongering elsewhere, like sending Seattle an email if you really care about the grammar (instead of "making a name for yourself").
>> No. 103908
File 133795065411.jpg - (38.73KB , 361x500 , Baron.jpg )
103908
Greetings.

I have come to place a story in the queue. It is a modest thing, only five chapters so far, but I feel it is near ready for public consumption. The Good Master Demetrius has already given this story a several-over, so you should be free of needing to find grammar errors and such, though you will find some instances of "casual narrator" that I am attempting to fix.. However, at his suggestion, I am looking for a second or third pair of eyes on this piece of...story.

Title: The Equestrian Secret Service
Tags: [Dark(er than the series)] [OC] [Bad at Tags] [Intrigue]
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace, surrounded on all sides by nations not as embroiled in friendship. In a world like this, how does the land remain free of war?
The Equestrian Secret Service is an organization hidden from the public eye. These brave ponies are unknown to the populace, and their brave deeds are ever unsung. In a world brimming with cold anger, hate, and violence, they move to prevent conflicts before they ever happen.
For peace. For Celestia.
For the good of Equestria.
I didn't mean for that to rhyme.
Word Count: ~43,000
Link: (ToC) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j7inQyIpgByI4U-24OTbS8Cv-73sp8kPTNyXAwZ7_bM/edit

As for whom I am requesting...

Well, I do enjoy the story that Master Nick is producing, and if he were to review this, it would inflate my little ego to almost the size of a cockroach (and if you step on it, it won't die). Besides, I helped you fix two spelling errors that one time! You owe me! No, you don't.

On the other hand, though I haven't read any of the things Master Seattle has produced, he has already promised me a review. Then he got a little pre-occupied.

Hmmm...decisions, decisions...
>> No. 103917
File 133795762352.gif - (258.45KB , 300x166 , Never like us.gif )
103917
>>103828

> but this piece just feels rushed, reads flat, and as a consequence fails to establish any real immersion or consistent emotional tone.

Curses! I seem to do that consistently with my writing. I'll see what I can do. My biggest issue is slowing down the pace. Whenever I try, I seem to fail. Reading flat? It's probably the genre... sorry 'bout that.

> Are you actively *trying* to make Tavi come off as a petty, obsessive femoral artery or what dude?

Kinda... I was aiming for something a little out of the ordinary. Or it may be because I have no experience with Octavia and I tried a little too hard to write high class. Whoops.

Sorry it didn't do it for you. I'll admit, it's probably pretty low in my writing career. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks and enjoy your afternoon.
>> No. 103980
File 133799314304.png - (139.64KB , 962x915 , Humanized.png )
103980
>>103724
This story is, quite frankly, "Humans and ponies coexisting in a manner that people ought to write the stories in the first place." It's not quite "HiE or "PoE," because you're not spending... any time establishing how contact is made, in that oh-so-bumbling, "OH HEY I'VE GOT A HORSE BODY NOW!" manner that is tried and... really, really, tired. Still, you need SOME sort of label, I guess, because this fandom's so fucking mysanthropic that it's stupid, so that's not absolving you of responsibility of labeling it with [Humans] or something, but still, kudos on writing a Human + Ponies story that doesn't suck and, frankly, is pretty decent overall.

On a personal note, take that praise on a broad level: if you don't worry too much about the setting and the races of your story, people won't quite care about HOW things came to be, they'll just accept it and move on to what's important: the plot.


Plot Summary
A group of friends bond despite racism that is told but never really demonstrated, then they grow up.

Yeah, I mean, this is a simple story that's been told many times before, but I don't think you were trying for "ground-breaking and revolutionary" here, so I don't really care about that.

Critiques
My main problem with the story is its simplicity. Now, see, I can forgive a simple plot like a DJ finding out they have a drug problem if the rest of the story has some depth to it, vis-a-vis the characters or some other artistic qualities, but really, you didn't quite do that here, and it's a shame. I feel a connection to the nameless narrator Vince, because this whole story's told from his point of view, but all of his other friends are basically wallpaper stereotypes. You've got the charismatic artist leader/focal point of the bunch, a nerd, a happy girl, a serious girl, and the narrator (who also doesn't quite have a well-defined personality). I hate to say it, but none of the emotional scenes in this story carried any weight: the death and the acceptance that "our childhood place is gone..." both just felt like they were unfortunate, and I cared because the narrator was realistic, but I didn't feel any connection to the events because all of the characters involved were just told that "oh, we're friends."

A perfect example would be the engagement between Compass and Peachy Keen. They had ZERO romantic interest in the story, and then it's just announced that "they're getting married." Fair enough, I guess, but that could've been a happy moment for Vincent to realize, "Well, I should've seen it coming sooner." Instead, they're just names on a wall, and the marriage is an arrow connecting them.

Same thing with Gust's "leadership qualities" of the group. This never comes up, but it's just told that she is.

Same thing with the supposed "racism" that they get which is apparently just a few awkward glances and Vince's parents.

All in all, this story needs a good amount of deepening because, quite frankly, the ending was amazing for what this is (but again, it fell flat because of the soul-less characters).

Suggestions (I have totally been doing these throughout this thread, for the record. >_>)
Make this longer. I disagree with Vimbert over "make everyone all one species," because the racism angle could be good if you actually included some events about it, but you definitely need to show everyone's chemistry within the group instead of just telling us, the audience, how everyone is.

I'm reminded of Stephen King's It, though not in a "and then all the kids fucked" type of way. But all of the kids had their own personality, so if someone were to tell me that "Bev was the tomboy leader," I'd agree to an extent.

But really, you need emotional depth, which is only going to be obtained by proximity to the characters and showing that they're organic, living beings. I'd suggest a few adventures as kids, then maybe a few teary good-byes, then have the epilogue be the scene at the park. It'd carry so much more bittersweetness, to have their reuinion be ruined by their jaded-ness and the apartment complex, but you could also weave in a little hopefulness of "friends forever."

You did well on this. Now go out there and do better.
>> No. 103983
File 133799367214.jpg - (769.65KB , 1920x1080 , twidash_flight_scene_of_friendship_by_derpiihooves-d4ks2p4.jpg )
103983
Flying High, Falling Hard chapter 1 (4th edition rewrite)
[Romance][Drama]
Dash is training for the upcoming Best Young Flier competition, and asks Twilight to be her coach.
~3,400 words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Od3VVS4W3MlJxczTjaQJseEkHy-hHvtYwtg_yF4_iZE/edit
>> No. 103989
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Tags: [Adventure], possibly [Dark], although I don't know if it has enough elements to merit the tag. I've gone back and forth with this. Would love some feedback on it.

Synopsis: Set two months after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight is informed that due to her and her friends' association with the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, they may be in danger from forces that seek to subvert the Nation of Equestria. Left with little choice, the Mane 6 agree to being placed under the protection of a squad from the Royal Guard, who will monitor them in secret.

However, all is not as is seems, for the members of the Guard sent to protect them carry a secret of their own.
Word Count: 47,241
Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B46rC7HFv-bHTWp1ZUwzczBUbVE/edit

Comments: Make sure to read the Prologue first. I've had three editors look at it so far. This has not been submitted to EqD, although I plan to do so in a few weeks to see where I stand. If you're a pre-reader, I would like to know if you think this would make the cut.

Known Issues:
-The Prologue conveys information too fast and needs to be spaced out. The opening in particular feels 'schizophrenic' as one editor pointed out.
-Possible pacing issues. Would like your feedback on this.
-As this is an in-progress story, there are unresolved plot issues. I would like to hear your thoughts on the plot thus far, what questions you have, and where you think the story is going.

Let loose all your righteous editing fury. I look forward to rebuilding.

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 103992
File 133800834280.png - (241.51KB , 493x352 , DO IT.png )
103992
>>103908
> On the other hand, though I haven't read any of the things Master Seattle has produced, he has already promised me a review
Here you go.
>>31833
>> No. 103998
File 133801293793.png - (177.09KB , 1920x1080 , 130221896721.png )
103998
I got-
>>103983
Flying High, Falling Hard
and
>>103908
Equestria Secret Service
>he has already promised me a review
I did what when? Anyhow, at 40k, expect a skim review as Dem's already been working on it with you.
Also, Dem, thanks for pimpin' out my fic.
EJN- Y U NO READ MY STORY?!

Nick is working on-
>>103724
All the Good Things
and
>>103989
The Zodiac Ritual

>going to bed now
>> No. 103999
File 133801319075.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
103999
>>103998
Your queue maintenance. My face when (ask Vimbert).

My actual queue
>>103742
>>103989
>> No. 104002
File 133801448597.png - (121.84KB , 470x266 , 1299462503315.png )
104002
>>103999
>> No. 104008
File 133802520894.jpg - (38.73KB , 361x500 , Baron.jpg )
104008
>>103998
>I did what when?
Some post way back near 53330 or so. Long since buried. In one of Sparky's review threads. Second iteration, if memory serves.

Don't worry; I'm not bitter about it or anything.

>EJN- Y U NO READ MY STORY?!
Don't know where to find it.
>>31833
Oh, hey! There it is!
Want a review?
>> No. 104010
File 133802771797.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
104010
>>103742

Plot Summary
Changeling Queen (henceforth referred to as Her Holiness) is captured, off-screen, and brought to Canterlot to be executed. She is then executed.

Critiques
You've got a very stilted, comma-ful writing style. In a lot of sentences, you're trying to splice three or four ideas together, with commas, and all in all, it's both exhausting to read and convoluted. Similarly, you've got a problem with redundancy in writing: you like to repeat things "for good measure," even if you're saying the same thing in two sentences.

All in all, I recommend reading this document:
http://www.cs.vu.nl/~jms/doc/elos.pdf

and taking to heart all of its lessons. There's some debate as to the legitimacy of Elements of Style, but if you follow its rules, for the most part, you'll end up conveying your ideas in a much a manner that is much easier to both understand and read.

Now, on to the actual ideas presented behind a wall of rough grammar:

You're doing more harm to this story than good by abiding by "music." Look at that summary: that's a simple summary. There's only one conflict, since the capture of Her Holiness is handled off-screen, and that's her trial/punishment. From a literary standpoint, I'm not sure that there's enough grounds to break up this conflict into two sub-chapters, as nothing really gets resolved in the first chapter other than "she gets to the castle," which wasn't really an issue in the first place. She was getting carried there against her will, after all.

From a reader standpoint, relatively few people are willing to sacrifice their own control of music / reading ambiance for your story. With reading speed being variable from person to person, also, there's not really much point in trying to synchronize a story to a piece of music. And that all isn't taking into account the point that, by comparing your story to a famous work of art, you're inviting comparisons. It's like my personal ethic of covers: if you can't make the song better or subvert part of it, don't try to beat it.

So, for your benefit, I'll assume that this is all one document, a 4000-word-long story...

It's very simple.

Now, if you look at my review for this story,
>>103302
a simple plot doesn't mean it's a bad story. However, you've got to ask yourself what you're adding to the story beyond the synopsis of the story. In Filler's example, he added atmosphere and a limited-narrative point of view of a child which was cute enough to make the creepy atmosphere all the more poignant. In your story... you've got Her Holiness dreading being executed, being apologetic in her head, then instead of apologizing, she decides to die proud and defiant. First, I dislike the juxtaposition between her thoughts and actions. In her head, she's victimized and sad, yet as soon as she opens her mouth, she's proud, loud, and bitchy. Secondly...

It feels like you're trying to make the audience feel sad for Her Holiness. Which, the emotions present in this story are all told up-front: I'm scared. It wasn't my fault. Oh no. But you don't show how she's actually interpreting those reactions. Body language and internal sensations (like a stomach tightening or shortness of breath) go a long way in expressing emotions, and frankly, that's... that's probably your best option for this story, if you don't want to make it a more complex plot.

I'm also not exactly sure what Her Holiness' death is supposed to be. Is it heroic? What's she sacrificing her life for? Is it defiant? Why is she defying? "You had stuff and I wanted it" is a pretty piss-poor reason to attack anyone, nationally, and frankly, it makes her a shallow villain who I'm glad is being punished.

Also... you could've handled the "reunion" with Retcon Sparkle (or whatever Twilight's older brother's name is) a lot better. I mean, she, uh... she basically raped him, for all intents and purpose of "taking power away from someone for your own benefit that is emotionally scarring." Yet all she gets is a weird look? I really want to see Retcon's reaction to Her Holiness's capture/death, and you had a perfect opportunity to do it, but you didn't follow through.

But all in all, that's how most of this story felt: a lot of decent ideas, but not a lot of follow through. You had Her Holiness's thoughts and musings, and could've made this piece emotional, but you didn't. You could've weighed more heavily on the ethics of the changeling attack, but you didn't. You could've shown Celestia and Luna as merciful, or at least above capital punishment, but you didn't.

And all in all, that's why this story felt hollow.
>> No. 104014
File 133803196526.jpg - (41.95KB , 720x540 , Comma Sutra.jpg )
104014
>>104010
>pic
>> No. 104030
File 133805402598.png - (152.63KB , 413x342 , 131495357183.png )
104030
>>103983
>I hate mornings.
Right then, ship fic. Okay, let’s see.

Generally you only place commas before conjunctions if it’s a serial comma.

>Twilight sighed irately
awkward. What you’re going for would be better expressed-
>Twilight sighed in exasperation.

>Dash’s wing flaps slowed,
Incredibly clunky phrasing. You do this quite a bit.

So… you’re totally going AU with the events shown in Sonic Rainboom (With a precursive nod to Daring Do). That’s cool I suppose, but that kind of thing treads some reeeeally tricky continuity waters (believe me, I’d know). For instance, for the sake of your story, you have Dash say that she never exercises or stretches, which we *know* to not be true from, well, Dash being Dash, and especially from the Running of the Leaves and Apple Bloom’s first shit-episode. Dash is all about training. As far as you’re concerned, you have a License to Ship and damn the canons.
Well, I guess that’s okay, except that it’s not. The way you’re going through this is lazy. If you want to ship these two ponies in this situation at this time in this way, the artful thing to do would be to write the scene as though it could be happening in between episodes or segments of the show. The way you’re going about it is more akin to striding about with a sledgehammer, swinging the bugger wildly at any petty thematic sequence that gets in the way of your mission.

>Well, if you need…
“if” has no place here unless you end the sentence with an ellipses, indicating a hesitation until the next segment of dialogue concludes things.

Nearly finished here, an this breaks down to essentially a pre-amble to make-outs -
“Oh Dash you’re a good flyer.”
“No I suck Twilight I need your help. You’re so good with magics.”
“Oh Dash you’re an AMAZING flyer, an I’m not that great.”
“No Twi, you’re AMAZING with magics!”

So, to brush up:
You’re quite poor at-
Setting a tone, Tense consistency, Proper comma placement

You’re bloody awful at-
Scenic exposition (it’s essentially nonexistent), Action scenes, Thematic congruity




Considering this is a ship fic, there’s a stunning amount of Tell in areas you could utilize Show to illustrate contact and a developing context between the two main characters. One EG; When Dash crashes, an Twi braces her into a sitting position. Choose a character, and delve into their experience of the contact, the burgeoning emotional impact on her, the physical effects, etc etc. This is the manner of necessary embellishment to make a ship-fic engaging.
Yikes, this is a 4th edition re-write? Damn. Okay, I suggest you go ahead and throw down a couple more chapters before re-engaging this one. Give yourself something of a wider ground to work from, and then step back and see how smoothly you can make them fit together.

Cheers, keep writing.
>> No. 104032
File 133805450842.png - (111.70KB , 348x362 , 130225377890.png )
104032
>>104008
>Want a review?
Does Nick like shipping gay griffons?

In case you're wondering, the answer would be an emphatic yes.
Thanks!
>> No. 104049
File 133806046083.png - (25.21KB , 332x307 , Glare.png )
104049
>>104032
>> No. 104055
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104055
>>103980

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for the review. The funny thing was, I was originally planning on including more racism in the piece but I ended up dropping the idea for fear as coming off as another stereotypical misanthropic "blargh humans are evil ponies are great" HiE fic also I started the fic 5 hours before the deadline of the writeoff like a dumbass but now that I see I can actually include that and have it not come off as cliche and dumb, I'll try that. Thank you.

>>104032
>>104049

Gay griffons are the best griffons
>> No. 104060
>>104010

Dear Nick,

First and foremost I want to thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to give me your opinions and thoughts. I am greatly appreciate you doing that, I really do.

For the grammar, I am really bad at it. I guess my editors really love commas, I will send them the message.

So first I said I wanted to follow the flow of music, I kneow I cant get people to read in synch with the music, rather I tried to follow its up and downs. Guess I didnt do great. I used the music as inspiration really.

I guess I at least owe you some clarification with the plot. As I said I used music as the inspiration. That thing about the song I selected is that it is called a program symphony. Basically there is a story for each song. The first one I used, March to the Scaffold, basically the guy takes a lot of opium and has some crazy ass dreams. In short he watches his own execution and in the next movement, his funeral.


Spoilers (to those who care but I doubt there is any but just incase)

For Chrysalis, yes I wanted her to feel sad, but she still is prideful, she dose not want to go down weak or even be considered weak. So thats why I had the conflicts etc.

Now for the plot, in short Celestia was merciful. Chrysalis was not killed. In the next chapters I was going to describe what happened. (I love Chrysalis too much just to kill her)
I did not plan on this to be a short story, this story is suppose to really focus on Chrysalis after the first two chapters. I did not say anything because well I didnt want to give spoilers.

Lastly for Shining Armor or whatever his name is. The reason why I limited his actions because he is in a high ranking position. I mean if he just started bitch slapping her I am pretty sure he would get some form of punishment. He was trying to be professional.

So yeah, thank you for the review. I really do appreciate a honest review. Now I am going to go figure out if I should finish my story or not.

Thanks for the help,
Foxy Kimchi
>> No. 104084
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104084
Hello, gentlecolts. I've polished this one as much as I can, and I seek sharp eyes such as yours to perfect it. Most likely, Nick will take it, although I am pitching it as a human story for people who don't like human stories.

Title: "The Savage Way"
Tags: [Adventure][Sci-Fi][Human]
Synopsis: A disaster at sea strands Caramel on an island with one other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together, but Caramel's new friend may not be as benevolent as he seems.
Word Count: 5061
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b9hlmckdYoweAGLxhx_ypKKZoqmnO-8EFFvLrpUJcxk/edit?pli=1

I will probably also post this in Professor Hugbox's thread later.

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 104107
>>104060
Oh, well damn, dude. If Chrysalis didn't die, there's... there's cause to continue the story. I thought this was just borderline snuff fic, which gave me problems of legitimizing her death.

Now, most of my points still stand, mainly giving this emotional depth and whatnot. As for music... music's great for inspiration some of my favorite stories I wrote were inspired by them, most recently Two Beats by driving around the Chicago freeway at 80mph listening to dubstep, but at the same time, trying to write a "musical story" with ups and downs... I mean, it's possible, but it'd be tricky to pull off, and in your case, it requires previous knowledge of the pieces.

But yeah, for the record, I didn't get that Chrysalis wasn't dead, nor did I get that there was more story after the final scene here.
>> No. 104108
>>104055
You could try having some of the ponies look down on Vince, or maybe Gust's griffin parents/friends. Racism isn't a one-way street.
>> No. 104109
File 133810251970.png - (74.30KB , 500x375 , 130301509507.png )
104109
>>104084
Horse, we're going to be holding off on this until after Hugbox gets through with it. When he's done and you've worked through the revisions you deem appropriate, resubmit with a link to his review.

>>104008
EJN, I'm working through your piece. Gimme a coupla days, this is promising to be a busy week.

Seattle out.
>> No. 104121
File 133810839254.jpg - (259.54KB , 640x551 , rainbow_sad_by_kawaiipiepied3jbejq_display.jpg )
104121
Yay for a generic picture and a possibly cliche concept!

Title: One Simple Choice
Synopsis: When Rainbow Dash is offered a high ranking weather position in Cloudsdale, she begins to wonder exactly what it is she wants from life, as well as what will make her truly happy in the long run.
Tags: I would have to go with [Sad], but more [Realistic Sad] (which I know isn't a tag).
Word Count: 5283
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1raiglo7sR1X91BSN27uetcwpbVmPyebg7E1e3yHhavA/edit

(title and synopsis are a work in progress)

(yes, a kinda sad Dash fic. No, she doesn't break her wings).

First of all, I realize this concept has been done before. Unfortunately, I haven't read fics of this nature, so I can only hope that I'm taking a somewhat fresh approach. I've noticed from your reviews that you tend to give ideas to help bolster stories, so if anything pops into your head that could help the story stand out more or be more properly executed, please let me know.

Next, characterization. I'm writing an introspective Rainbow Dash, which sounds like an oxymoron. I hope that I portray her in a believable manner, but don't hesitate to tear me apart if she feels like a completely different pony.

I'm also concerned about too much telling in the first chunk of the chapter. The fic takes place in the future, so I had some work to do in bringing the reader up to speed, but let me know if there's a more effective way I can do this.

Hmm. I think that's mainly it for now. Sorry for the list of points, I tend to overthink my stories. I do plan on this to be a fairly long fic with gobs of character development, so hopefully you're okay with me dropping off just one chapter here. Expect more in the future.

Now, this story is slightly related to my existing EqD fic, but I want this to get its own post, meaning I would have to send it through pre-readers. So be harsh.

Thanks to whoever picks this up. I've been through this review thread a couple times, and you two are excellent. The review may end up stinging a bit, but it will help me in the long run.
>> No. 104179
>>104109

Will do.
>> No. 104208
File 133815899737.png - (500.28KB , 600x405 , Fuck it\'s hot.png )
104208
Just some quick queue maintenance:

I'm claiming:
>>103989
>>104084 (removed until Hugbox gets done with it)
>>104121

Expect reviews... when it cools down. You know it's hot when your computer threatens to overheat when browsing two tabs on Chrome.
>> No. 104218
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104218
>>104214
>You people are crazy

Yeah, that would probably explain why I've reenlisted. Twice. Once for no money.
>> No. 104249
File 133818485724.jpg - (38.73KB , 361x500 , Baron.jpg )
104249
>>104032
Well, then.

First, I will say that, like you, my week is turning very busy. Unlike you, I have to scrounge around for internets, so, while I shall be going over your story, it will take time.

With that in mind, go ahead and take all the time you need for getting my review in; I am plenty patient (and I will respond to your points once you're all finished).

I should tell you, though, that my inner editor is refusing to let me go through this with less than a fine-tipped comb. Now, since you're published and, therefore, you don't have comments enabled, I have come up with a way to comment anyway: copy your document, and comment in that. Now all I want for is your gDocs associated e-mail so as to give you viewing/editing/commenting/ownership of the docs (once finished, of course). If you have trepidations of leaving your e-mail on this public page, feel free to send it directly. E-mail of mine in appropriate box.

P.S.: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if you removed Q and R. Also, gay Gryphon shipping keeps that violent population down. So does interspecies. These Gryphons are just going to die out; you know that, right?
>> No. 104275
>>104249
That's part of the plan I think. Stick them in a pen, let them die out. Like the lions in Africa, but with more feathers and preening. Sucks being a griffin. And they aren't very good at it either. -- *gets stoned*
>> No. 104375
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104375
>>103908
Ooooh, a professional compilation doc with all your chapters an ANs! This is off to a good start. Just one question- why do you have an AN section with nothing there?

Anyhow, I’m going to be dropping chapters one through three in here atm, as that’s what I’ve got so far. Made some notes in-doc, but as tends to be my preference, the bulk of things goes in-post for your enjoyment. I expect to have the rest of the story done by the end of the week. As a preface, I should say I’m *really* enjoying this thing. Good work, and I look forward to continuing.

Onward to, Ch 1. Enjoy you my SoC notations.

You’re setting a pretty fucking serious tone with your opening quote. I hope you stay consistent or transition gracefully.

>it felt a wonder
“felt” is an inappropriate choice from a narrative stance. Suggest the more direct “was”.

Oh, right, this is a 40k piece. Look for smaller notations in comments rather than greentext from here on out.

Shaman dog. Interesting.

It’s unclear what Sly’s illusion spell is actually doing, considering the pair are already covered head-to-hoof in camo.
An this-
>They could no longer see the commotion the dogs were making, but they could still hear it.
certainly doesn’t clarify things.

Some really powerful world-and-culture-building going on here. It starts off strong, and you’re growing it at a skillful pace. With Dem working with you on this, that’s no surprise. I’m really appreciating the coarse nature of the Dogs from a Pony perspective, belied by the machinations of the Shamans, and… Fuck. I’m totally gonna get sucked into this story.

>Alacorn
I object to this spelling strongly, and given how many others would as well, I wonder why you think it’d be worth the fight. I’m sure I’m not the first to raise this complaint.

With all the trouble Sly has in getting out of the damn cave, I’m wondering how the hell they got IN, considering they can’t use magic and the rope they got down with isn’t still there.

Strong start on the first chapter, issues noted in-doc.

Ch 2-

Huh, internal conspiracy things are happening, it would seem. If I may say, you’re setting off too many warning signs with Golden Lock too quickly. Unless you want the thing to be obvious from the get-go.

I’m getting some srs dissonance from this whole meeting with Golden. I don’t get the feeling that Autumn nor his team are green, rather the opposite- that they are (or were, in the majority case) an experienced and solid team of agents, with a record to show for it. Yet here’s this Golden, who’s actual position hasn’t been revealed yet, casting aspersions on the dire report of one of the ESS’s agents. In front of an assembled council no less. And this just, flies? This unfolding of events casts the entire Equestrian Secret Service as an institution into a dubious light.

… Huh. I don’t care for this- You build up Autumn to be quite the bad ass, then he goes all wangsty about how he used to get bullied in school? He’s a fucking secret agent!

You really start to overuse semicolons. Do you know how many you have in chapter two alone? One hundred and fucking two. These lil buggers are to be used ever so slightly more judiciously, or they lose their impact. What is their impact? Stringing two independent clauses, while showing their relation. Tis a subtle game, like wine and cheese. Stop drowning in wine and choking to death on all the cheese.
>Incidentally, do you like Havarti? I fucking LOVE Havarti.

Awww shit, Dew wants to ride Autumn’s bone.

Interesting play- the whole lifemate thing. I’m getting the feeling you’re playing that with a heavier significance than we would marriage. Like a… elven thing, or some such.

The ESS is feeling more and more amateurish as this moves on, and that in turn seems to weaken the whole of the tale. 18 agents go rogue, and with the exception of one don’t even know the pony on any personal basis they’re doing it for, nor the details of their mission and its importance. I think at least a degree of this could be addressed if you gave a bit of insight into the qualifications and experience of the other team members. Make this a team of veteran agents, not just a pell-mell assortment of volunteers, as it feels now.

Something else has been nagging at me, and it just came clear- The threat of the dogs and three shamans. You’ve denoted this to be at a level of national security. Yet here your group is, and your now MC OC, whose primary interest seems to be the rescue of a single pegasus mare. I mean, compassion, sure. But priorities seem to be out of order here.

CH 3—

I’m liking your intellectual exploration of the more subtle and varied applications of magic use. I’m hoping the flash-communication thing is only the start of that.

These constant allusion to “THE PLAN” are getting a bit tedious.

Autumn is a fair tactician, but a terrible strategist. Worse, none of his companions are even up to his skill level. He allows sentimentality to win the argument over Sly’s corpse. Foolish thing to do.

You’re extremely inconsistent in capitalizing Dogs.

This chapter seems to serve little purpose, as the majority of it consists of Autumn’s group waiting around the cave entrance, with only the addition of us finding out Golden dispatched an unknown number of pegasi of his own to the scene.

Given your previous elucidation on magical application, I’m struggling to understand why the concept of a magic-nullification field is so difficult a concept for your characters to hypothesize.

I’m now sensing a plot to overthrow the Princess, in the context of Celina’s thoughts regarding Golden, utilizing the Dog army.

And there we conclude chapters one through three. Again, I'm rather enjoying this, and look forward to concluding. Till then.
>> No. 104386
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104386
>>104121 Apologies to >>103989, but you just got queue-jumped because of relative length. 40,000 words is a lot of damn words to read in one sitting.

>I would have to go with [Sad], but more [Realistic Sad]
All [Sad] should be [Realistic Sad], otherwise how are you going to get your audience / readers to feel anything for your characters? The [Contrived, Fake Sad] stories are the ones that suck.

Anyhoo...

Plot Summary
Rainbow Dash got picked for the National Weather Service, which is based out of Cloudsdale. Ergo, she has to choose: friends/life in Ponyville, or friends/life in Cloudsdale.


Critiques
I left some notes in the document; if they're not random stupidity (reviewers have to have fun, too), try to address them. Your indentation on that list is still wonky; for all bullet points, the first line should have a "hanging indent," where every line UNDER it is indented but it, itself, is not indented.

Anyhoo, moving on to overarching issues: your grammar was decent enough that I didn't notice anything out-of-the-ordinary, but then again, that's not my specialty.

My main issue I have with this story is with how the ponies feel out-of-character. I mean... it's a "three years later" story, so there's some leeway, but at the same time, it kind of leaves a gap between the canon personalities and your personalities which I don't think was adequately filled. You had the flashback with Twilight, explaining the books for Dash, but that came a little too late in my opinion. All in all, Dash feels okay if you bring that exposition earlier, but my main concern is Fluttershy.

When did she get hollow? Fluttershy really feels... almost like she's had a mild case of PTSD or something. She's older as a character, and a little more outgoing, but she really reads flat and, for lack of a better term, "different."

I already told you about the weird... kissing stuff, and the ambiguity problems at the end of the chapter. I'll definitely reiterate, though, that Dash feels like an emotionally abusive boyfriend because really, she'd wear the pants in that relationship or however lesbians work in the scene where she visits Fluttershy late at night, asks pushy questions, then clams up, seemingly purposefully to inspire worry from Fluttershy. All in all, that scene felt rushed, had dark implications, and I'd definitely consider making Dash feel less like Gilda in that scene.

The next order of business is that there were a few points in this story that didn't quite feel like they meshed with canon. "Dash the Bookworm," you addressed, eventually, so really, I'm just concerned with how Dash went from "Me being awesome->Single event->The Wonderbolts" (her modus operandi in the show) to "Me being awesome->Career Path->The Wonderbolts." Like, that was never really addressed in the show, so why is the Equestrian Weather Service now her best shot for the Wonderbolts?

It'd probably show a good deal of growth, if you had Dash mention how she wanted to do things the right way after "enough rejections and/or broken wings." You know, like an adult realizing they have to work for a goal instead of popping in, being a hero, and winning the position.


So, that's pretty much all I've got. This was a decent first attempt, but it's still pretty rough, but the emotions are at least based in reality, if not poignant.

I wish you good luck in your writing.
>> No. 104407
If you want to break it up and just give me Chapter-by-Chapter reviews when you have a chance I'm fine with that.

I also just finished writing Chapter 7 which is 9,457 words, (56,053 total) but I have that submitted to TTG.
>> No. 104416
>>104386

First of all, let me apologize for keeping you up until 5 AM last night talking about your review. I've thought of a couple more things, but at least you get to respond at your own leisure, eh?

Thank you for your review. Like I said in our chat, shipping was NOT my intention, so I'll have to tone that down a little bit, and make it more clear that Dash's visit was born out of loneliness and an urge to just talk to somepony, with no romance involved.

As far as Dash showing up and asking pushy questions and then clamming up, I guess that was my way of trying to have her be in character. As I said in our chat, she kinda rushes to Fluttershy's house without thinking, so I like to think that her clamming up means she's realizing just how aggressive she's being, and she's trying to correct. Like you said, though, I need to make it clear that her minor outburst stems from Dash's concerns that it's HER fault Fluttershy became a vet. Since it was a spontaneous visit, it was sorta my intention for the scene to be slightly rushed and a bit awkward, especially since I feel Dash is a pony who doesn't have much experience talking about her feelings. I have no idea if that's a legitimate excuse, or if I'm just trying to justify poor writing.

You also raise a good point with me needing to explain how Dash realized how she needs to work towards her goal. Right now, I don't want to give everything away in the first chapter, but I could have a brief mentioning of her attitude shift, then go into more detail in later chapters.

Okay, now a few brief questions to wrap things up.

When you say the story is pretty rough, do you envision a large overhaul? Or just ironing out the issues you mentioned?

Did the execution of the concept seem refreshing at all? I didn't want to write a "OMG Dash is a Wonderbolt now!" fic, I wanted to write one more grounded in reality. She's not given a spot in a Wonderbolts, she has to work for it, and even getting picked for the Equestria Weather Team doesn't make that guaranteed, much like how nothing in life is guaranteed, no matter how hard you work.

Finally, after I fix the issues you mentioned, do you think I could ship this off to EqD with just one chapter so far? Or would it be best to write another?

Again, thanks for your help.
>> No. 104525
>>104416
>When you say the story is pretty rough, do you envision a large overhaul? Or just ironing out the issues you mentioned?
For better or worse, you try to tell the story actively, even if that means you miss a few key details here and there. My "issues," therefore, kind of imply a major-ish overhaul in that you're fixing the two characterizations of the two characters, especially in the main dialogue/interaction scene of this story. You're also editing the ending... so, your questions aren't really mutually exclusive.

>Did the execution of the concept seem refreshing at all? I didn't want to write a "OMG Dash is a Wonderbolt now!" fic, I wanted to write one more grounded in reality.
Refreshing? Sure, I mean, it's not overly vapid and it is realistic enough, minus some emotional hang-ups (stuff I've mentioned), so it's fine "on its own" as it were.

>Finally, after I fix the issues you mentioned, do you think I could ship this off to EqD with just one chapter so far? Or would it be best to write another?
There's too many changes afoot in order for me to make that call entirely. I'd probably run it through some more willing reviewers, but then again, I'm more of a perfectionist than anything.
>> No. 104526
>>104525
>For better or worse, you try to tell the story actively, even if that means you miss a few key details here and there. My "issues," therefore, kind of imply a major-ish overhaul in that you're fixing the two characterizations of the two characters, especially in the main dialogue/interaction scene of this story. You're also editing the ending... so, your questions aren't really mutually exclusive.

Well, I don't really consider that a major overhaul. I consider a major overhaul to be lots of rewriting (which I don't THINK I have to do, just add in some bits to fix the details and characterization and do a bit of rewriting, but we'll see).
>> No. 104589
Hi! I wrote a thing, and even though it's been accepted by Equestria Daily I really want to make it a better thing. You guys seem good at that.

Title: The L Words
Tags: Dark, Sad (shading more to sad as time goes on)
Synopsis: Twilight is suffering from chronic nightmares. There's a reason for this. It ain't a nice one.
Word Count: Current estimate is ~20k words, because FiMFiction doesn't count things right sometimes.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4117/The-L-Words

Known Issues:-
1: The first chapter is too short. I know. It's also confusing to read. I don't know how to fix this. Help would be appreciated.
2: Occasional typos. I don't catch everything.
3: AJ's actions in the second chapter. I know it takes too much of a logical leap to do what she does, but I don't know how to fix it without buggering up the chapter's pacing.
4: I use a lot of British references and language. I am British. The doctors say it's incurable. Sadface.

I'd really appreciate you looking at this. I know it's a bit long, but I've seen what you do with these and I think you could really help me iron out the flaws.
>> No. 104590
File 133836593490.jpg - (1.66MB , 3172x2000 , 133728327085.jpg )
104590
>>104589
This sounds right up my alley. Claimed.

>fuck you insomnia
>> No. 104593
>>104590
*flutteryay*
>> No. 104598
File 133838039517.png - (83.58KB , 400x346 , pinkiepielufe.png )
104598
Title: I Dream of Pinkie
Genres: Comedy, Random, Slice-of-life, one-shot
Synopsis: Sleep. Peaceful, calm, and absolutely nuts. When Pinkie, with the help of Pinkie, launches herself out of a cannon, she unleashes herself onto the dreams of all the other residents of Ponyville. It's going to be very long night.
Word Count: 6,020
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28462/I-Dream-of-Pinkie
>> No. 104603
Oh, while I remember, it's not finished. What I've written so far basically amounts to Act One, if I had to put a name to it. And I really tried for it not to be gory but there are many, MANY references to off-camera gore. Sort of how it works.
>> No. 104671
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104671
Hello again. I did as you asked, and ran this by Professor Hugbox, who responded here: >>104580. He said it was almost ready for EqD, but I need a sharp eye to make sure it's just right.

Title: "The Savage Way"
[Adventure][Sci-Fi][Human]
Synopsis: A disaster at sea strands Caramel on an island with one other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together, but Caramel's new friend may not be as benevolent as he seems.
Word Count: 5127
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b9hlmckdYoweAGLxhx_ypKKZoqmnO-8EFFvLrpUJcxk/edit?pli=1

Thanks.
>> No. 104675
Title: Ideas Live On
Genre Tags: [Adventure][Sci-fi]
Synopsis: The ancient past of Equestria has always been shrouded in mystery; even the claims from the Princesses don't seem to be consistent with the evidence. The key to the past resides in a map found by a Professor Sparks of Canterlot University; a map of a foreign land called "The United States of America".
Word Count: Prologue: 1067
Chapter 1: 10356
Link: Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vsdQP746MCwnZdzPKwf74iwuZxB7nibXmIVCxJ3NB2E/edit
Chaper 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_e38lqCLpXNtdNaL7hdXHved0IIfE93rQj4KpjOoaE/edit

Basically, it's a continuation of my grande vision(tm) of a pony allegory alternate universe history of our history and how it turns into Equestria. Grande plan(tm) doc with terrible hand-written maps! is here, in case you want to know how things fit in to the scheme: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qGxT4ZQ16LzgQ5S7QCk71qPFQbS4BL0-UaNuEKMf-mg/edit

I'd like Seattle to handle this one, please.

In addition, I've been making attempts to improve my writing style, so I have a few questions I'd like to have answered as part of the review:
How was the pacing? Was it too fast? Too slow?
Did you feel like you were drowned in exposition? Was there not enough explanation?
How was the dialogue? Was it stilted?
How good were the descriptions? Were they out of place? Too purple?

Thank you in advance.
>> No. 104692
File 133843733379.jpg - (34.72KB , 646x364 , 130297242767.jpg )
104692
>>104589
Right then, jumping right in.

Concern 1)
Initial chapter is short and confusing.
Firsty, the opening chapter is not too short. It’s a hook. Hooks should be streamlined, and that’s what you need to focus on. You need to draw every piece of what you’re willing to reveal at this point in time into as crystal-clear a light as you can.
Which leads us into the ‘confusion’ concern, which your opening line obliquely addresses quite elegantly; specifically, that it demonstrates purpleasfuck syndrome. It’s no wonder that-
>Celestia's sun skittered across the floor of the bedroom like a kitten on a wet floor and alighted gently upon Twilight's eyes.
has some people going cross-eyed. The sun is rising, it’s light falling through her window to move across the floor, eventually reaching her bed and triggering her episode. Phrase it as such.

In the tally records of her physical trauma, I suggest trimming down on the “new” section numbers. I mean, 48 new bruises overnight? That one’s a stretch.

Instead of frothing at the mouth, or in addition to it, have her go into convolutions. Siezures are srs bsns.

Lot of superfluous/redundant narration. EG - “Twilight's sleeping form” - Just go with Twilight.

Initial impression of AJ’s accent in ch1 is that you’re overdoing it. Let’s see if this carries on into two.

CH2-

You need to be more straightforward in Twilight’s attempts to cover her pain with replacement affectations. For instance-
>Twilight had rocked back on her hooves slightly, feeling the blast of pain from them, and giggled to herself.
renders more a sense of ‘wtf’ than an understanding of what she’s trying to do.

Yeah. AJ’s accent is incredibly overdone. Think Texan, not Appellation.

>Apple-*snff* Applejack.
Don’t do this. An action as shown above calls for a proper dialogue tag sequence showing her stifling a sob or wiping her eyes, or some such similar thing.

There are a lot of descriptive lines that fall short of a proper Show. Prime example-
>Rainbow Dash's disposition was perky but tired-looking
Does she have bags under her eyes? Are her wings up, is she well-balanced or sagging? Etc.

A lot of your analogies just feel unnecessary, rendering the exposition and narrative more cumbersome than it would otherwise be. Take this for example-
>like a comet made of Battenburg cake
If your reader doesn’t know what Battenburg cake is, or looks like, it breaks the flow of the story while they ponder just wtf you’re talking about.
Along similar lines, your choice of sentence structure often results in extraneous words that muddle what should be a smooth flow of description and action. Take a look at-
>from the speed Fluttershy had moved at.
What’s the purpose of “had moved at”? Would it not be more direct, more clear, and more fluid to simply say something akin to “Fluttershy’s speed”, or, if you want to give situational context- “Futtershy’s dash through the room”. While ending sentences with a preposition is not a hard and fast rule, it most often does more damage than good.

>"What?" Asked
lower case “asked”

>Rainbow Dash's confused tone was cut off almost instantly.
Her “tone” isn’t cut off, her sentence is. Work on keeping these matters properly differentiated.

>Ah bucked 'er solid, right in the gut
What? At no point is this clear, going back over the opening sequence. It simply doesn’t fit, as you have Twi react to and acknowledge AJ stepping on her hooves.
I imagine this is the “AJ action” you denote as your second concern. If so, I’ll be coming back to this, because yes, it’s hella OOC.

>throughout proceedings
the

Seriously man, AJ’s accent is just atrocious, and Rainbow’s reaction to AJ’s spiel is somewhat overblown. I mean, sure, her concerns are troubling, but enough to warrant Dash going “deathly pale” and letting her plate shatter on the ground? No.

>"don't
caps
>"... don't wanna. hurts."
And again. Okay, I get you’re going for a weakened state here, but portray it properly either by narration of perhaps even a different font size. Not by ignoring grammatical rule.

Interesting thing you’ve got going here, that I think deserves more attention- the role reversal between Spike and Twilight. You should play up the evolution of his paternal behavior more- it’s an engaging concept.

>Further AJ shenanigans.
Yeah, there’s absolutely no justification for AJ initially pinning Twi into the wall like this, an then slamming her against it repeatedly. If you want to have this scene fly, you’re going to have to do a LOT of work with AJ earlier on, creating some device that would set her off like this, then have Twilight do something along the lines of resisting or insulting her, and THEN you’d have to account for why all the others are just standing there a-okay with AJ hammering Twilight (whom they all believe to be addicted to painkillers) into a fucking wall. Sorry mate, but this is a GAPING hole that’s not going to go away nor be overlooked.
Oh. And then she knocks Spike the fuck out. What the hay man?

>her mane still perfectly ramrod-straight gold and her coat the very brightest silver.
You seem to be getting your descriptors scrambled here.

Aaaaand intro to you big bad.

CH3-

Huh. That’s one fucking hell of a spell mate. Just basically erasing Twilight’s existence from the minds and memories of her friends? Maaaaaaybe I could swallow that, but the princesses? Eeenope. Let’s see how you play this.

>good-for-noth
ing?

>of the sive of them.
these little things are getting more frequent as we go on. Oh, wait, what. You did that on purpose? That one goes right over my head.

>Rarity sashayed through the door of Sugarcube Corner and planting herself at a nearby table.
yes? and planting herself at a nearby table… did what? Either complete the sentence or change the tense.

Okay, I dig how Pinkie’s the only one who knows Twilight has been Git-Mo’d, but you contradict yourself here
>over the weeks and months since Twilight's incarceration
as you say just a few paragraphs back that it’s been “three weeks”

I’m really not feeling Dash’s characterization either man, I’m sorry to say.

Yeah, I’m not even going to attempt to decipher what the hay Fluttershy-on-crack is trying to say, so I hope there’s nothing important in that big-ass ramble. Might wanna consider re-working that.

>She'd got good
ugh

Whoa, and Derpy has two daughters out of nowhere. aaaaand you’re shipping Dinky and Applebloom? Okaaaayyy.

>yelled the usual "We're closed
missing comma

Alright mate, I’m letting this go here. You’ve got a HELL of a lot to address up to this point, and I canna see continuing along these lines unless you intend to do something about it all. Your third noted concern is recursive to the larger issues at hand- namely, that you have your intentions with how things are going to go down, but you simply don’t have strong enough devices to allow for that all-important suspension of disbelief to carry the day. You also REALLY need to take a long look at your characterization. You can have anypony act anyway you want, but it takes a great deal of plausible and well-founded evolution to get that character from point A, which is their largely-accepted canon personalities, to point B, which is wherever the hell you want to go. But again, I’d say you need to thoroughly examine point A, because it doesn’t feel like you have a very good internal grasp on any of the main cast.
This beast is going to take a considerable amount of work, and if it’s not a labor of love for you, then I can’t see it being worth your time. If it IS, then I strongly suggest you pick up someone to work through the piece with you, chapter by chapter, for a series of in-doc brainstorming sessions. Bouncing ideas back and forth can be a priceless thing for the creative process.
Cheers, and keep writing.
>> No. 104694
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104694
>>104675
Drrrrrromer! Shit man, it's good to see ya. I'll get on this soon as I'm able. Cheers!
>> No. 104723
Thanks for the feedback! Maybe the EQD pre-readers' standards are slipping. Oh well, I can always ask them...
>> No. 104724
>>104723
If Seattle shot down problems with your story, I don't think you're going to do any better with the prereaders.
>> No. 104725
>>104724
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/story-l-words.html
>> No. 104729
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104729
>>104725
Huh, it's already live. Oh, well, 3.5 stars.

>>104598
Plot Summary
You, uh... you really took that episode of Spongebob to heart, didn't you?

Critiques
You've got some problems with the exposition and pacing in this story. What this means is that, basically, you're not describing the events or actions or settings well enough, and that leads to a very rushed-feeling story where I had to reread a few scenes to be 100% sure what was going on in them. I'm still, after reading this, not entirely sure of what Pinkie's motivation for dream-jumping was: did she want company, or did she want to give everyone candy? This is a problem because at the end of the story, you attempt to have some sort of moral, but I don't know why Pinkie was doing "wrong" in the first place.

Furthermore, was Lyra even in the final scene? If not, I'd really omit her part as (a) it's almost a 1:1 ripoff of Squidward's scene from the Spongebob Squarepants episode that you took this entire premise and idea and moral from (which is just laziness compounded); (b) it isn't really necessary to the plot and (c) like... two seasons in, now, and Lyra still hasn't spoken, let alone hung out with the main six. This story works as a ripoff of the Spongebob episode, but if you're going for the crossover route, I'd probably want to stick with the main six (well, the other five) as target "dreams." Lyra just seems out of place.

Moving on... I'm not really sure what we, as an audience, were supposed to take from this story. There's a lesson, I guess, but there was no difficulty or conflict that happened to Pinkie Pie for her to actually work to earn it so, really, it feels tacked-on. This probably goes with the fact that I have no idea why she was dream-jumping in the first place, but really, if you want to have someone learn a lesson, chances are, you need them to come to the conclusion that they need to learn a lesson for it to be effective. There wasn't a lot of real, actual conflict in this story.

And in terms of depth, Applejack's, Dash's, and Rarity's dreams all felt rushed, to the point where your gag about "Rarity has sexy dreams" fell somewhat flat. I think that Rarity's bit, especially, could've been expanded on (in a PG-manner, mind you) of all the sights leading up to what's happening to Rarity, and then the cutaway... but either way, that joke definitely needed more of a buildup. Hence, pacing issues.

And, that's all I've got for this. I wish you good luck.


Queue
>>104671
>>103989
>> No. 104734
>Generally you only place commas before conjunctions if it’s a serial comma.

From Chicago 16th ed.
=
6.28 Commas with independent clauses joined by conjunctions
When independent clauses are joined by and, but or, so, yet, or any other conjunction, a comma usually precedes the conjunction. If the clauses are very short and closely connected, the comma may be omitted unless the clauses are part of a series.
==

Oxford is more enthusiastic about omitting the comma but less specific.

Wings house-style (new. I used to be super-Americans with a shit-ton of commas. Thanks to PR Grump for inspiring the change):
==
i-clauses in coordination

- Without a coordinating conjunction.
-- In sequence: sentence break -- He opened the box. Inside, three pearls shone on black velvet.
-- Following a generalization with detail: colon -- Today, thought Twilight, was a good day for re-shelving: it was too darn cold and rainy for anything else.
-- In apposition (showing one thing from multiple perspectives): semicolon -- Chatting ponies milled about the town square; you could cut their excitement with a knife, but Pinkie wasn't going to try that. She'd get excitement all over the place and it'd be a real pain in the dock to clean it up.
-- In rhetorical asyndeton: comma -- The vase fell, shattered on the cobblestones, I was so fucked.

- With a coordinating conjunction
-- In sequence of three or more: commas (optional semicolons for clarity) -- You're the genius here, I just follow the rules, and Pinkie -- your guess is as good as mine is with her.
-- Immediately following coordinated phrases: comma -- I like tea with milk and sugar, and I drink it every day.
-- Introducing an i-clause following a unrelated subordinate clause* -- I found the button he was talking about, and pressed it.
-- Before a subordinate clause that modifies the upcoming i-clause -- See that you learn the rules well, and when you do, do not ever deviate from them.
--- Even when the sub-clause isn't set off by commas -- The tower creaked, and as it fell I could only watch in horrified fascination.

(*Note that Wings' definition of "clause" is probably broader than what you learned in school.)

-- with a break in sequence of thought: sentence break or em-dash or commas (in order of decreasing strength

0 I saw it every day. And it happened all summer long.
0 Well, yes, maybe. Maybe it is to spicy - but we're missing the real issue here, guys! The frosting is the wrong color.
0 I turned back to my table, and a train whistle blew.

-- Immediately between two i-clauses without change in topic: word break. -- She threw her arm around my shoulder and we walked down the prison steps, together.
==

That's why style guides don't give detailed rules. It's very easy to wander off into the weeds and ID grammatical features, and establishing consistent rules is not easy. I just happen to be a nerd when it comes to this stuff.

Back on point: American and non-fiction styles tend to like more commas. British and fiction use less.

From Real, Published Literature (The Magicians by Lev Grossman) (American publisher, Penguin Plume, and author)
=
Quentin did a magic trick. Nobody noticed.
They picked their way along the cold, uneven sidewalk together: James, Julia, and Quentin. James and Julia held hands. That's how things were now. The sidewalk wasn't quite wide enough, so Quentin trailed after them, like a sulky child. He would rather have been alone with Julia, or just alone period, but you couldn't have everything. Or at least the available evidence pointed overwhelmingly to that conclusion.
=

The comma in question is in bold. In dialog on the same page a comma is omitted.

=
"Nice firm handshake. Lots of eye contact. Then when he's feeling comfortable, you hit him with a chair and I'll break his password and e-mail Princeton."
=

My point is that styles vary. There's nothing wrong with criticizing style from an aesthetic standpoint but let's not forget that there is in fact a lot of aesthetics in there and not just solid rules.
>> No. 104736
>>104729
Oh, you surely jest, everyone knows stars don't matter in EqD anymore.
>> No. 104738
>>104734
Thanks for dropping that in Eustatian! I appreciate the clarification and then some. I'm also quite pleased to have nearly an entire section of the CMS in my thread.

As an aside, I'm seriously contemplating just getting a subscription...
>> No. 104750
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104750
>>103908

CH 4-

Picking up on some odd notations here and there-
>”Hooooo...
>"He came d-own

I find the angle you’re playing pretty fascinating- How the pegasus mare is more a prized vessel to the shamans than having any value as a living person in her own right.

>wormed it's way
its

>The memory hung in the air like dark prophecy.
a

> Clear skies
Forgot to cap her last name

I’m rather enjoying the tension you’re creating, having each of the incursion teams come to their individual realizations that the tables have turned.

>mana
Awww man. And you were doing so well up to this point without stooping to drop a catch-all like this!

This whole situation is a bubbling cauldron under cap, and I can’t wait to see it explode.

And the plot thickens. The few comments of note left in-doc.

CH5-

While I’m enjoying the unfolding events, and we’re finally getting to know Clear Skies as a character… I’m not sure why, but at this point she’s feeling too reactionary to get any real glimpse behind this pregnant mare who by all rights should be PTSD up the ass. I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of person she develops into.

That there was a rousing talking-to that Autumn gave to Clear Skies. Well done on that note mate.

Question- why didn’t the unicorns enchant a cloud for the others to be able to ride on so the pegasi could pull them in turns? Seems like that would have been a lot easier than attempting group teleportation.

Huh. Autumn’s red eye thing is an ability?? Iiiiiinteresting.

> "Because I want to see you fly."
And then the sun came out from behind the clouds, the birds starting chirping, and the everypony in the streets burst into spontaneous choreographed songs.

And Clear Skies world is broken. There’s quite the dramatic shift of thematic emphasis going on here. You’ve dismissed the potential for a “dog uprising” and the looming threat that entailed, and are shifting gears toward… something else. Given the tone of your story up to this point, I hardly think you’ll settle for something as vanilla as “Clear Skies and Autumn get together” as a primary focus… hmm. My suspicions lead me to suspect you’re transitioning into a “conspiracy” thing. I further suspect Clear Skies did indeed have an Alicorn (note the spelling :P ) and the Agency secreted her/him away. Though if you do go that route, know that it treads some veeeery shaky ground and pushes any readers’ SoD. Of course, I’m just hypothesizing here.
>"He's been declared a traitor!"
Saw that coming, and it’s another hook to continuing the engaging and exciting tale you’re weaving. I’m quite looking forward to the next chapter!

Cheers, and Keep Writing!
>> No. 104782
>>103989

Sup.

Just dropping in to let you know I've made some revisions to Chapter 1 on my own. I've been working on my SvT, and I went through and found a whole slew of it. I'm in the middle of writing Chapter 8 atm so I haven't had a chance to go through the rest of the story, but I'd bet Chaps. 2-4 are pretty guilty of it as well.

Also, the second scene in Chap 5 (with Pinkie, Ras, and Vigil) is terrible and I need to rewrite it. I plan to next week.
>> No. 104826
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104826
Incidentally, weak responses to reviews tike this
>>104723
will get you blacklisted ITT. This is not TTG, an I don't spend an hour or more reading your story and contemplating your concerns for
>review acknowledged, kthxbai.
crap. Things like this are one of drunk Seattle's pet-peeves, an seeing how prevalent such a thing became in TTG irritated him immensely, as it seemed to indicate a lack of appreciation for rare free time spent in service to another's work and improvement.
>> No. 104972
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104972
Hey, you two. Hope you don't mind me requesting another review so soon. It's just something I wrote over the past couple days, and it's nice and short.

Title: Waiting
Synopsis: Immortality doesn't just mean losing every pony close to you. It also means watching the world crumble to dust.
Tags: [Sad] [Dark?]
Word Count: 2227
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MIyIHD1tc9Bnl-AFucZsL7BPkcKghDDV7FPaj9nbFs0/edit

I wanted to drop this off here because I'm hoping you won't mind me asking if the content/concept of this story is EqD material. It is certainly a different story, although I honestly have no idea if something like this has been done before.

Thanks!
>> No. 104974
>>104972
Too short for EqD.
>> No. 104979
>>104974

I think this is a fic I could get above 2500 words without useless padding. Expanding it, if you will.
>> No. 104992
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104992
>>104675
… God damnit Dromer. You DO realize I’m about to break my only rule here, right? Why must you inflict Humans on me Dromer?! Wrrryyyyyy.

…Wait. So… this not a PoE fic, nor a HiE fic… this… this is an “Equestria IS Earth fic”? And there are no humans? None at all? Promise? Okay… here we go then.

Hmm. Actually, given your concerns are so well-thought-out and specific, I’m going to address them primarily, and forego my usual SoC through the chapters. Do still look for notations in-doc.

So, your concerns addressed in order
Number One:
>How was the pacing? Was it too fast? Too slow?
——

The Prologue was an excellently paced hook. Engaging, enigmatic, and action-oriented. The first chapter hit the brakes hard; you’re throwing in a lot of backstory, but that wasn’t the issue. The pacing suffers due to the extraordinary amount of (admittedly good, but still over-abundant) exposition and description. All the while you’re attempting to overlay it with a feel of “starting a great adventure”, but it tends to drag. I suggest a good deal of streamlining in chapter one, which I’ll get into below.


Number Two:
>Did you feel like you were drowned in exposition? Was there not enough explanation?
——

>>concrete cubes with doors suspended on massive, rusted springs
I just canna, for the life of me, properly picture this. wtf?

>Black wires crossed the floor, covering it in a strange darkness that defied the light of the floodlamps set up to illuminate the makeshift boards that covered the wires,
So you’re saying here that black wires cross the floor forming “a strange darkness”… and then tell us that the wires are covered my plywood.

> Spitfire’s mind tripped on her name.
Clarify this. either with ellipses after 'celetia', or by repeating the name. As it stands, it reads like she could be referencing herself.

>The blue light from the machine faded for a moment.
This is pretty truncated, as happens occasionally.

In the prologue, at the end, where Spitfire is loosing her memories and sense of self, I suggest you delineate her “wrong” thoughts versus her actual-self thoughts, and I suggest you do it visibly, perhaps in italics or even carriage returns with a different style of text.

>The block in her memory seemed to deteriorate.
Just, out of nowhere? A memory-block that she’s had for her entire life just “seemed to deteriorate”? You have to lead into this better, give it more justification.

PLEASE go back and fix every sentence that begins with a conjunction. Cherries an shit.

Exposition starts to drag in the Library scene. I suggest trimming down on her perusal of titles and streamlining that segment overall.
Same goes for Sparks going through the University. The information is all well-told, but the bulk of it is something that we’ll not likely be returning to, and as such there’s no need to wax so heavily upon it.
Conversely, the expo in Spitfire’s office seems truncated.



Number Three:
>How was the dialogue? Was it stilted?
——

>“Spitfire, you know your orders.” The unicorn began charging a spell, creating a dashing red counterpoint to the cool blue of the rings. “Don’t make this happen.”
This actually comes off as though he’s telling her to NOT do whatever thing he’s sending her to do. Calls for rephrasing.

The dialogue seems considerably lacking between Spitfire and Sparks when she decides to sponsor his expedition (something I didn’t even see as an option previously). Too much acceptance too easily from both parties.
Quite a similar issue with the exchange between Sparks and Star later in the chapter.

Nearing the end of the first chapter, and I can’t help but note that your ratio of exposition to dialogue is something on the order of 10 to 1, if not more severe.

Stilted dialogue. The only *real* instance of this I found was at the end, with Celestia. The oddity of the dialogue felt a direct result from Celestia’s characterization. Something feels odd about how she’s coming across, and it’s difficult to put a finger on it. She’s acting shady, but that I feel is intentional. It’s really more the interaction between her and the others that’s coming off odd, both in her spoken phrases and her internal reactions. Perhaps a bit of this is coming from the overly familiar tones Spitfire is taking with her, I dunno exactly.

On a tangent, Spitfire’s sudden reveal of her visions, and everypony (especially Celestia) just taking it in stride, feels awkward and somewhat forced. This carries on with Soarin’s sudden reversal and decision to go. The entire scene just seems to lack an immersive flow.

In summary, exposition is definitely your stronger suite. I suggest when you tag dialogue, throw in more emotion, more correlating action to back it up, so it doesn’t just stand on its own, and thus seem occasionally disjointed.



Number Four:
>How good were the descriptions? Were they out of place? Too purple?
——

>Spitfire opened the door, and immediately noticed the massive steel contraption laying in the middle of the room.
‘immediately noticed’ comes across poorly, as the assumption is that Spitfire knows where she’s going, and is familiar with this lab. Unless the contraption is a new addition, rephrase this to better suit the context. Perhaps
>As soon as she stepped through the door, her attention, as always, was drawn to…

>The flashes of light called out to her, silently asking Spitfire to forget everything.
I have an issue with this sequence, in that you’re using Spitfire’s experience too personally. It’s as if you’re giving the process itself a characterization. Either make it entirely objective, or entirely personal. The mix is pretty disconcerting.

>the tiny tan brown
the stacked descriptors here are redundant. go with ‘tan’ or ‘brown’.

>Sparks broke eye contact first.
I’d expand this a bit.

>Her voice was not as steady as she would have liked. It was clear she was tired of Sparks and his protests.
This too is a bit truncated and overly Tell.

>The massive doors opened to let Sparks out, which he did at a reluctant pace,
Same here, and awkwardly phrased.

>a yellow-red pegasus
This needs clarification. Is her coat and odd mixture of the colors, or does she have a red coat and yellow mane? While you *do* clarify this later, it’s best to not start off on such discordant lines.

> the awkwardly stoic guards
make it clear that it’s *their* stoicism that’s making *him* uncomfortable.

Try throwing in the occasional pronoun for your MC mate.

There *are* certain incidents of overly purple exposition, an example below for your consideration.
>casting a prismatic spray on the cobbled ground
Still, aside from the occasional stacked descriptor, I’m not seeing anything too objectionable along these lines.

Incidentally, for the flashback in Ch1, excellent use of third person limited from Soarin’s perspective.


Summary
Okay, having looked over your outline doc, color me seriously impressed in regards to the forethought and sheer scope that you intend to drop into this story. This is… an ambitious undertaking, to say the very least. Makes me wonder just how long you’ve had this under your hat mate. In any case, specific notations have been left in-doc, and… frankly, considering the breadth of this thing as a whole, I’m left wondering if anything I’ve had to say above is any more useful to you than a drop in a bucket. I’m actually having to limit my speculations here, because any questions I have would open such a time-consuming discussion that I… well, just don’t have time for, heh. Regardless, best of luck with this epic saga, and I look forward to watching this unfold.

Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 105041
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105041
>>104375
>>104750
Yay! Reviews!

>Just one question- why do you have an AN section with nothing there?
Well, see, there was something there, but it was, essentially, me trying to justify my fanfic to the masses. It has been removed, but I do not expect to go without, at least, some notes. I'm thinking that my first one may very well be:
Alicorn (n): The horn of a unicorn.
Alacorn (n): Derived from Latin; "Ala" meaning "wing," and "corn" meaning "horn." (see what I did there?)
...and other things besides, as they come up.

>It’s unclear what Sly’s illusion spell is actually doing, considering the pair are already covered head-to-hoof in camo.
Relic, I'm afraid, of the old editions before I gave them camo. Will have to try and give it a good excuse.

>If I may say, you’re setting off too many warning signs with Golden Lock too quickly. Unless you want the thing to be obvious from the get-go.
I agree. In my initial head-draft, I really didn't care about showing off the villain. Now, however, I am seriously considering some changes. May not do much, but we will see.

>[Golden Lock and Council]
Yeah...tha's all true. Reasons.

>You build up Autumn to be quite the bad ass, then he goes all wangsty about how he used to get bullied in school? He’s a fucking secret agent!
I understand, but I cannot let this scene go. I have reasons, aside from Autumn not actually being that much of a badass. They follow:
First, and most obvious, it reveals a part of Autumn's history. While this may seem innocuous at first, this is, in point of fact, a pivotal point in his past, and will be touched upon later. The other three or four points are more subtle, but equally important. Obviously, I don't expect everyone to get them right away, but they are there for the careful observer.

>Semicolons
In defense of Semicolons:

I will admit I abuse semicolons, but only because they are so useful. As you say, they string together independent clauses while showing a relation; much like any other conjunctions (and, but, or, so...you know the list). Most people see them as an alien species of grace and beauty, only to be approached with care and caution, but they are a strong punctuation, and I revel in their use! Yes, I may choke on the cheese a bit, but, damnit, I love Havarti. And Swiss. And Gouda. And Brie. And Bleu. And Feta. And Cheddar. And any variety of Jack. And Colby. And Provolone. And- I think I'll move on.

>Awww shit, Dew wants to ride Autumn’s bone.
Wait, what? Where?

>The ESS is feeling more and more amateurish as this moves on...
Damnit.

>National security; primary interest seems to be the rescue of a single pegasus mare.
Damnit. Will alter.

>Autumn is a fair tactician, but a terrible strategist. Worse, none of his companions are even up to his skill level.
Damnit. Will address.

>You’re extremely inconsistent in capitalizing Dogs.
Again, relic from older editions. I capitalized Pegasus, Earth, Unicorn, and Dog. Was given a talking-to, changed it, and now there are those annoying pop-ups.

>I’m now sensing a plot to overthrow the Princess, in the context of Celina’s thoughts regarding Golden, utilizing the Dog army.
Really? How interesting.

>>mana
>Awww man. And you were doing so well up to this point without stooping to drop a catch-all like this!
My apologies, but this is how I think of magic. It isn't like I'm trying to shore up a leaking vessel or anything, is just that I honestly think in terms of mana whenever I think of magic.

>I’m not sure why, but at this point she’s feeling too reactionary to get any real glimpse behind this pregnant mare who by all rights should be PTSD up the ass.
Hmmm... I am already in the thought-process of rewriting her perspective, so I shall be sure to see if I can think of any way to address that while...well, we'll see.

>Question- why didn’t the unicorns enchant a cloud for the others to be able to ride on so the pegasi could pull them in turns? Seems like that would have been a lot easier than attempting group teleportation.
Two reasons:
First, I didn't think of that.
Second, Clear Skies isn't flying anywhere anytime soon, and Dew is hella exhausted at this point. It is quite unlikely that she would be able to do much pulling or pushing at any decent rate of speed, and they need to move now.

>Huh. Autumn’s red eye thing is an ability??
I could make it more interesting. I've been debating on four more words that would really make you wonder...

>Given the tone of your story up to this point, I hardly think you’ll settle for something as vanilla as “Clear Skies and Autumn get together” as a primary focus…
If I can help it, there won't be shipping. I do not much care for shipping. Granted, such a thing may end up happening, but not with Clear Skies.

>I’m quite looking forward to the next chapter!
I will take this to mean that you do, indeed, wish to continue as a reviewer of my story. Excellent.
If you wish to opt out, it is too late. I mean, just let me know.

Thanks for the review and stuff! Gives me to think about. And things to alter before the public gets to laugh at me.

Side Note:
One thing that Master Demetrius was (and likely still is) concerned about is the timeline in Chapter four. I understand all the reasons, but I am having some difficulty addressing them. So... do you find it to be a problem? Were you ever disoriented by the less-than-straight line? Did the introduction of four make you feel like I'm letting you down (from that end-of-three cliffhanger)?
>> No. 105062
>>103989

I've requested the Prologue - Chapter 1 to be reviewed in another thread, as well.

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/105043.html
>> No. 105080
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105080
>>105041

>Alacorn
Yeah, I’m familiar with that usage, having seen it all of once before, but it flies in the face of the vast majority. Then again, you’ve got backing for it via actual language, I just don’t see how it’s something that’s a big enough deal for you to be willing to turn off a fair amount of readers over. Your call.
Oh, in your AN, i suggest something along the lines of “All glory to Demetrius, god among dragon cameos” or some such.

>revisions
This explains a lot. In a massive (or even minor) overhaul, things are inevitably overlooked. Same goes for taking a many-moons hiatus and then coming back to a story that requires a great deal of in-the-moment immersion *cough*.

>Autumn not actually being that much of a badass
I can appreciate that. I simply feel that that is kind of an awkward place to PUT said inference. I mean, it’d be far more fluid to have that come up at any point that ISN’T so much a life or death situation. Why not later, in the camp?

>cheese
Don’t even get me started. I am the greatest fan. There’s a $700 wheel of gouda the size of a tire at the local grocery, and by all gods living and dead, one day it shall be mine.

>Dew wants to ride Autumn’s bone
Just a thing I do. I like to throw out shots in the dark and see what the author gives away.

>I capitalized Pegasus, Earth, Unicorn
I do this too. One of the few things I’ve been fucking stubborn on in my fic, and refuse to budge on.

>red eyes ability
>I've been debating on four more words that would really make you wonder...
Gimme

>I do not much care for shipping.
Ditto on that. When I went on my hiatususus, EQD was on its “every ship fic is automatic five stars”. When I came back, it was “every ship fic gets starbombed”. Weird.

>I will take this to mean that you do, indeed, wish to continue as a reviewer of my story.
I can make no promises, it depends on when you update and submit, but yes, consider me a fan of the story.

I can say I don’t share Dem’s concerns regarding chapter four, and if you’re talking specifically about the jumps from team to team, as I said before, I rather like that.

Cheer mate.
>> No. 105088
File 133867646880.png - (33.24KB , 159x200 , photo-530.png )
105088
>>105080
I am also, apparently, a fictitious dictionary in Dredgmane.
>> No. 105124
>>104992
Thanks for the quick review, Seattle. I've run through the comments in-doc and marked any that weren't fixed immediately.

>…Wait. So… this not a PoE fic, nor a HiE fic… this… this is an “Equestria IS Earth fic”? And there are no humans? None at all? Promise?
Ah, therein lies the problem. I've got, at most, a synopsis and a prologue to prevent PoE and HiE haters from hitting on the fic. I'm still working on the synopsis and prologue. Part of me wants to add sections for the U.S. leadership and Russian leadership but that would put a decidedly grimdark spin on things, a spin I'm not entirely sure I want to take yet.

>Exposition starts to drag in the Library scene. I suggest trimming down on her perusal of titles and streamlining that segment overall.
I'll be implementing this tomorrow.

>Same goes for Sparks going through the University. The information is all well-told, but the bulk of it is something that we’ll not likely be returning to, and as such there’s no need to wax so heavily upon it.

This I'm not so sure about. The reason I wrote the University sections is two-fold:
1) To emphasize the differences between the professors. I wanted to avoid the 'meet 5 characters in less than a paragraph' issue, because it places less of an emphasis on the individual characters. Even giving each pony a dedicated paragraph would be much too rapid-fire for my tastes.
2) To establish some sense of personality before the Professors were introduced. Canterlot University's facilities are designed to represent the professors Sparks is going to meet. Here's the character templates and aesthetics I tried to use to evoke character.

Charts: Nerdy, introspective / run-down building with little ornamentation
Monroe: Paternalistic explorer, late-1800s style of bravado / lots of chandeliers and giant, expensive statues
Shooting Star: Self-centered, independent / foggy tower with a lot of special effects
Blue Sky: Engineer, Lancer / Lots of glass and magical effects.

>Conversely, the expo in Spitfire’s office seems truncated.

How so? I could draw out Sparks' reasoning, but it wouldn't really do much in terms of flow or exposition. Spitfire opening a Q and A with Sparks could possibly help, but it may end up causing the story to drag more.

Speaking of which, what were your opinions on the action scene where Sparks rescues Spitfire? Chapter 2 places much more emphasis on action and dialogue so I'd like to know if there was anything wrong in my style of narration.
>> No. 105153
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105153
>>105124

Quite welcome Dromer, no worries.

>that would put a decidedly grimdark spin on things, a spin I'm not entirely sure I want to take yet.
This seems something of an inevitability, given the core concept, so I’m not sure why you seem hesitant about it.

>The reason I wrote the University sections is two-fold:
This I fully get, and you’re doing it right, I’d just say streamline as much as possible, as the expo is fairly heavy. Anything non-essential to reader insight into the character introductions really.

>the expo in Spitfire’s office seems truncated.
>How so?
no no, I mean the exposition seems truncated, not the dialogue. Especially given how you’re using the descriptions of the professors to give us a feel of their characters, and for Spitfire you basically just go, “dusty office, some stuff on a wall”. It’s just a strikingly odd contrast.

>Sparks rescues Spitfire
Honestly, it didn’t read very well, at least as far as what you’re going for. There’s the thematic issue of why it came down to him to help her in the first place, her being in the air with the Bolts an all, but the main thing seemed to have been the lack of intensity, that in-the-moment “oh shit oh shit oh shit” feeling that’s essential to convey in such a scene. It’s delivered too objectively, and is overly cut and dry. Try to make it more visceral and gut-wrenching, both through his perspective via narration.
>> No. 105187
File 133873156404.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
105187
>>104671
Plot Summary
Caramel and... some generically-named human get shipwrecked, a mildly interesting conflict emerges over G-N Human's ability to eat meat and desperation, then a Deus ex Machina appears, and no one really learns anything.

Critiques
You didn't do a very good job introducing several of the plot elements that are present here: mainly, the characters and the events leading up to the shipwreck. This leads to a very generic story that doesn't feel like it got properly developed past the "concept" phase (which is a good concept, actually, but more on that in a bit), where the plot devices and characters are more like cardboard cutouts that are standing in for the ACTUAL characters. For example, I could substitute Big McIntosh for Caramel, and nothing in this story would change at all. I could substitute "shipwreck" for "trapped in a cellar," and only the rescue scene would need to change. You could change "island" for "desert island," especially given the minimal amount of scene-building that you did, and nothing would change except that Big McIntosh/Caramel/[INSERT HERBIVORE] would be hunger-pained, too.

Moving on, why humans? I've already gone on a little rant in >>103449 about the complexity that humans add to the story and how, if it's not necessary, it can feel tacked-on and "fake." So, that being said, a "shipwreck" that was "the first human/equestrian ship built" isn't really a sufficient reason for having humans, in my opinion. Not when you've got cannon griffins in the show already, who have mythological ties to horses as "enemies," and then you could replace the main characters in this story with Gilda and Rainbow Dash... and holy crap, I like that idea.

Anyway, you need to define your characters a lot more than they are right now. As it stands, your story is about Caramel, who is bored, and a human who... has an impeccable amount of foresight for not getting attached to someone he might have to eat to survive. Without having these characters interact (say, Caramel trying to help Human by gathering berries or whatnot), you're missing out on a huge emotional factor that was largely missing in the final chase scene. I don't know who Caramel is (see, you picked a bland background pony. He's... got a girlfriend and he forgot the seeds for Winter Wrap Up, and that's about all I know about him offhand), so I don't quite care that he's in danger. It sucks, yeah, that he might die, but thousands of other people died in that wreck, so I'm not to plussed about a pony. ALSO, I'm... I'm kind of rooting for the human, all things considered. Racial pride and whatnot (and another reason to omit humans in this).

Also, you seemed to omit the entirety of the shipwreck, or at least, you seemed to be trying to avoid mentioning the circumstances that establish the premise of this story (the shipwreck). How'd it happen? Why'd it happen? When? This would be something that would be on both of the characters' minds, after all, so not having it mentioned really feels out-of-place (and lends to my critique of "doesn't need to be a shipwreck").

Finally, I'm not sure if you're trying to be "artsy" with keeping the human's "true motives" hidden (was he a killer, or not?), but based on his actions, he'd sort of be falling under the archetype of "giving help in the creepiest manner possible," so if you're actually going for ambiguity, you should probably tone down some of his actions' creepiness and then put more focus on Caramel's reactions to them, as he perceives them as sinister.


So, all in all, this was a novel concept that got choked by your execution or lack thereof. I hope this review helped, and I wish you good luck on your revisions.


Queue
>>103989
>>104972 (I'm not technically claiming this, NW, just showing we've only got two un-reviewed stories in heah).
>> No. 105212
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105212
>>105187

Well, I guess I asked for it. But I do take respectful exception to some things...

>generically-named human

I'd have kept him nameless if I could. He's any of us in that situation. How far would you have to be pushed to murder someone for the flesh on their bones? Maybe I should make him more generic...

>Deus ex Machina

All shipwreck stories, with the exception of Castaway, end ex machina. It's the nature of the beast. Actually, I expected you to accuse me of trying to mash up The Back Stallion and Lord of the Flies (I didn't notice the similarities until it was halfway done).

>I could substitute Big McIntosh for Caramel, and nothing in this story would change at all.

I needed somepony chattier than Mac, and who seemed likely to ask awkward questions when he shouldn't. It couldn't be a unicorn, who could fight a human more easily from a distance; or a pegasus, who could fly away. It couldn't be AJ or Pinkie, because we know there's no way they'd take a vacation without bringing somepony along, and putting other cast members on the ship would bloat the story unnecessarily. All this narrows the possibilities right down. Maybe I'll replace him with an OC or something.

>I could substitute "shipwreck" for "trapped in a cellar," and only the rescue scene would need to change.

Cellars aren't large enough for action scenes, nor do they have interesting set pieces. They're easier to escape from, too. I've spent a lot of time on small islands and almost no time in cellars, and it's best to write what you know. Finally, I am unaware of any pony fic involving a shipwreck, which I find ridiculous.

>You could change "island" for "desert island," especially given the minimal amount of scene-building that you did, and nothing would change except that Big McIntosh/Caramel/[INSERT HERBIVORE] would be hunger-pained, too.

But doing so would remove the possibility of envy on the predator's part, removing an aspect of possible resentment alluded to several times. They don't call it the green-eyed monster for nothing.

>Moving on, why humans?

They were my last choice. The other creature had to eat meat, be unable to eat grass, and be unable to fly. Caramel even says, "A pegasus could fly for help, and rest on clouds on the way." Since Equestria has Earth's constellations, it follows that the North Star would be present as well, and a griffin or pegasus could navigate by it. No creature in the FiM universe (so far) fills all the requirements.

>a human who... has an impeccable amount of foresight for not getting attached to someone he might have to eat to survive.

My old job involved spending weeks or months in remote places with one or two other people around, and this is exactly how things have to be. Someone like the human, who knows a thing or two about survival (and has to, or he'd try and eat Caramel a lot sooner) would know this. I'll do my best to clarify the psychology.

>[...] (the shipwreck). How'd it happen? Why'd it happen? When? [...]

Actually, this gives me an idea. BRB, adding dream sequence.

Regarding insufficient scene and character development: for years, I was criticized for too much telling. Now that I've scaled it back, I've been criticized for not having enough. No one seems to agree on how much is appropriate. Can't please 'em all, I guess. I thought of adding a scene in which the castaways find a dead body on the shore, and wear their hearts on their sleeves for a while. But the description might violate ponychan's anti-gore rules.

That's one "yea" and one "neigh" so far. Looks like I may need a tie-breaker review.
>> No. 105213
Pardon me; that should have been spelled "Black Stallion."
>> No. 105217
File 133875006634.png - (424.30KB , 472x1031 , lus.png )
105217
>>105213
>sage

>Black Stallion
LUS!

Sorry... Couldn't help myself. :D
>> No. 105220
>>105217

I'm afraid I don't understand.

>Saged; sorry for junking up the thread.
>> No. 105221
>>105220

...And of course, I stumbled upon the answer right after making this post. This is not my day. Saged again.
>> No. 105239
Hope you don't mind that this is a sequel. If you haven't read Dusk and Dawn, then all the context you need is that Nightmare Moon won, Twilight is her b****, there's a resistance called the Dawn Militia headed by a super-powered mane 6, but with Trixie replacing Twilight.
>> No. 105242
File 133876344853.jpg - (41.55KB , 800x450 , Epic Fail patch.jpg )
105242
Ahem, accidentally hit Reply a tad early there.

Dusk and Dawn: Harmony
[Grimdark]
The Dawn Militia and Nightmare Moon's armies continue to wage war across Equestria under the eternal Night. The six bearers of the Elements of Harmony have been blessed with remarkable powers, with which they lead the Dawn through battles. But it isn't easy. How can Kindness and Laughter exist in such a dark time? How much Generosity can be afforded?

~10,000 words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v2F5Scf2AxGsGW6dgBf8cCFagogib6mLcKmC_C_ckHc/edit

Commenting is enabled, if you'd prefer to use it. I'm looking mainly for proofreading and wording help. Seeing as Seattle likes dark stories, he can have this one.
>> No. 105253
File 133876734701.png - (194.04KB , 859x930 , 133632521526.png )
105253
I got these.

>>104972
>Waiting by Nicholas Taylor
>>105242
Dusk and Dawn: Harmony by twopercent
>> No. 105257
File 133876840894.png - (903.93KB , 1225x599 , Response time.png )
105257
>>105212
>I'd have kept him nameless if I could. He's any of us in that situation. How far would you have to be pushed to murder someone for the flesh on their bones?
Then why the hell is this told from Caramel's perspective and not the human's?

>It's the nature of the beast.
Robinson Crusoe, one of the first novels, let alone "shipwreck" stories, had the backdrop of European expansionism behind it: those days, people were actively exploring the seas. Also, it took twenty goddamn years for a sea-faring vessel to find Robinson, accidentally (there was pirate mutiny involved). At that point, it was less of a "rescue" and more like, "Oh. Cool. I can go home if I want to, even if I've made a home for myself on this island."

So, that was one of the first stories, and that wasn't a "savior ship" coming in.

Lord of the Flies does have a Deus ex Machina ending, but that's not applicable to your story, because Lord of the Flies was about man's inherent savagery, and the conflict was basically one of tribal warfare. If I compared your story to Lord of the Flies, it would be "This is like Lord of the Flies, stripped of the entire message that the author was going for, with 'hunger' replacing the conflict of 'man's inner beast.'"

You want to make a name for yourself? End this the "wrong" way, with Nameless Human killing and eating Generic Earth Pony, after they became friends. But it doesn't matter because he still died a few weeks later. That'd demonstrate that human desperation is as powerful as it is futile, and might be a stronger way of pointing out, "You might do terrible things if you're in a terrible situation."

And furthermore since when did, "Everyone else did it!" become an excuse for failure?

>I needed somepony chattier than Mac
Touche. Then... Braeburn, Sheriff Silverstar, the bullies, or hell, sex isn't really an issue in this, so any of the female earth ponies---AJ and Pinkie, even, aren't joined at the hip to the rest of the main six like you say they are.
>Maybe I'll replace him with an OC or something.
You can literally find/replace "Caramel" with "[OC NAME]" and it won't change the story. Do it with Gene Eric, at least he likes snow and dislikes mushrooms.

>Cellars aren't large enough for action scenes, nor do they have interesting set pieces.
They are if you write them that way. Like, a huge cellar, underground bunker, subway station... the list goes on
>They're easier to escape from, too.
Read: "TRAPPED" in a cellar.
>Finally, I am unaware of any pony fic involving a shipwreck, which I find ridiculous.
None that are famous, but unless you work on this story, you're not going to breach the realm of "forgettable mediocrity." So fill your niche, but work at it.

>But doing so would remove the possibility of envy on the predator's part, removing an aspect of possible resentment alluded to several times.
Implying... that, what, predators wouldn't get hungry if they weren't envious? This doubly-hidden resentment adds nothing to your story.

>Since Equestria has Earth's constellations, it follows that the North Star would be present as well, and a griffin or pegasus could navigate by it.
You... for someone who's spent a lot of time on small islands, you seem to underestimate the vast size of the oceans. Flying all day would probably be exhausting, and without food, progress would get slower and slower... yeah, I'm still not seeing why this can't be a flight-capable pair. If you're hell-bent on keeping this on ground, bones break in disasters.

>for years, I was criticized for too much telling. Now that I've scaled it back, I've been criticized for not having enough. No one seems to agree on how much is appropriate. Can't please 'em all, I guess.
More like, "I made one mistake, then made another mistake, and can't strike a balance between too much telling and not enough character development."

Don't blame your shit on reviewers. Fix it.

>Looks like I may need a tie-breaker review.
For... what, exactly? Deciding on whether or not the points I raised are worth taking into consideration?
>> No. 105273
>>105270
I don't know how appropiate that end was, but I kind of have to agree, he raised a bunch of points you need to address, there is no vote involved in these kind of things.
>> No. 105280
File 133878037893.jpg - (72.77KB , 1191x670 , the_last_defense_by_johnjoseco-d3ht9jm.jpg )
105280
>>104972

You did a thing, and I rather like it.

The theme you’re working with is one that I enjoy playing around with myself. One major key to remember in making it work, is elegance and simplicity. Of what use is flowery, or even consistently lucid, thought to beings that stand so apathetic and disconnected, everything around them turned to dust and ashes?

I like the notion of the stinging dust-storms as Celestia goes out to stand on the edge of their cave being her only constant companion. I’d play with that were I you.

Also, you have the planet barren and lifeless, yet water still exists. This leaves you in need of a device as to why it is so. I suggest you play it so that, in her apathy, one of her naps or periods of fugue often last years, and so it is that there are periods of years or even decades that the sun doesn’t rise. Bonus points if you play it obliquely so that she and Luna don’t even notice, their sense of time that of gods without mortal beings to keep any sense of rhythm or repetition.

Most of the comments are in-doc, but the first thing that’s springing out are stacked descriptors, combining with the occasional incredibly awkward exposition. I mean,
>the dull silver light that dimly shone
That’s just bad. Again, go for elegance.

Playing the adjectives too heavily mate.

Your metaphors are… meh. I suggest just going the direct route.
I want Celestia’s thoughts to reflect the dismal reality she and Luna exist in. Take your own line to heart-
>We rarely speak anymore.


Anyhow, thanks for sharing. Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 105298
File 133878991624.png - (141.52KB , 512x512 , 124886 - artist-empty-10 book hug rainbow_dash.png )
105298
>>105242

Docking points for rhetorical questions in the synopsis.

Now then, let’s see what this here be about…

Damn.

Okay, having finished, the majority of notes were left in-doc. Which you were in, so you know this. May as well take this opportunity to recommend this work to everyone who sees this post.
It’s an engaging and damned well-written tale, which I’m now going to have to go read the first chapter of.

Having not read the first installment, I don’t have any foundation for raising any potential issues of consistency or thematic concerns, though I do suggest a couple judiciously placed stylus breaks for scenes in chapter two.

Given that your opening scene’s purpose is to illustrate Fluttershy’s… (what, evolution?) … anyhow, you give the bulk of it to the officer, in contrast to her actual appearance and action, by sheer volume. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, but it seems somewhat off-balance, considering your intent. Regardless, it does a great job of setting the tone and establishing pacing, which doesn’t falter throughout the piece.

An now, glancing over your first chapter, it’s pretty evident you’ve come a long way, which is always good to see.

Oh, and there is an extraordinary and disturbing lack of best pony in this piece. You should do something about that.

Cheers, an keep writing.
>> No. 105302
File 133879210195.gif - (70.73KB , 323x272 , TACKTACKTACK.gif )
105302
>>105298
/sunglasses
Another satisfied customer reader.
/walkintosunset

But seriously, thanks for proofreading. I'll slap this onto FiMFiction and ship it to EqD now.

The purpose of the officer was to show how Fluttershy fought–from the shadows, not hesitating to strike fear into her enemies' hearts. That would've been much harder to convey from her perspective.

Oh, don't worry–Rainbow's chapter is next. On the second thought, worry. Judging by my track record, you'll have to wait a few months for it. And besides, I'm taking a break from grimdark. My next ambition? Giving Twilight Pinkie's fourth-wall breaking abilities.
/madscientistgoggles
>> No. 105304
File 133879370517.png - (560.88KB , 586x448 , shapeimage_3.png )
105304
Good evening, gentlemen. May I submit the following for your expert appraisal?

Title - What Went Wrong
Genre Tags - [Adventure] [Slice-of-Life]
Word Count - 35489 (in 3 Episodes)
Link - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HXsH_Jo44dx35JfYmlSgEp8jTI3u5AOwmUMyOvVtUNM/edit
Synopsis
When Derpy Hooves's failures destroy what little is left of her life, it falls to the Elements of Harmony (and Spike) to get the wall-eyed pony back on track to a happy future. What they didn't count on is that Ponyville's unluckiest mailmare might have a lot more to offer than anypony realized, including a strange pendant that acts as a gateway to the annals of Equestria's Lost History. Contained within are tales from before the time of Celestia and Discord, lessons of friendship and heroism long forgotten, and dark secrets better left unlearned.

Why would Derpy have such a thing? What is it exactly that hides behind her wall-eyed innocence?

What went wrong in the time before time and haunts the ponies of Equestria to this very day?
End Synopsis

Thank you very much for all your efforts.
>> No. 105307
File 133880186929.png - (206.54KB , 1292x737 , 56546 - Boozahol DJ_P0n-3 artist briskby artist rose artist thorn sleepy vinyl_scratch.png )
105307
>>104030
Wow, I could have sworn I replied to this review. For the record, I've read it a few times, but I just now noticed I never actually replied to it.

Well first off, thank you for the review. I'm aware of the weak points of my writing you pointed out. I was raised on a lot of 'white box' comedy or stories, in which scenery played little to no role. I mostly just picture dialogue and characterization.

The reason I actually noticed I hadn't replied, was I wanted to post asking what some good resources might be for learning the flaws you pointed out. I tried my best to google-fu, but it only turned up basic drivel (as it so often does with these topics).

It's a fourth edition rewrite because the first few had a very weak hook. The story evolves into a romance drama that's currently 75k words long, and always suffered from a bad beginning. And a bad middle, and a bad climax, and probably what will be a bad end.

I tried to shift tone gradually throughout the story, and the beginning chapters are intentionally supposed to be happy-go-lucky to an extent because when Dash confesses to Twilight and kisses her, Twilight stomps off and shuts Dash outside in the rain. After that, a love triangle gets involved, and then stuff happens that I'm not going to attempt to summarize here.

So in recap:
- I'm going to change the bits of dialogue or descriptions you mentioned
- I'm trying to work in more 'feely descriptions' or 'embellishments'
- How can I get better at: Scenic exposition, Action scenes, and Thematic congruity?
>> No. 105313
File 133881903552.png - (402.14KB , 3029x2541 , 132625079833.png )
105313
Pardon my levels of productivity, but I may already have another story I'm looking to get reviewed (after that Grimdark one I emailed in). The problem is it's a bit long, and you're about the only reviewers taking anything over 15000 words that I've seen so far.

This wouldn't be as much of a problem if I hadn't just gotten a review from you guys (or at least Nick) so recently. Basically, I don't wanna clog up the queue.

Would now be a good time to be asking for a review here, or should I keep looking for someone else and consider coming back on a later date?
>> No. 105326
>>105280

First of all, I have to thank you for not being like a couple newbs on FIM Fiction and saying "BUT WHY DON'T THEY USE THEIR MAGIC TO MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY?" To which I replied "Well, then there's no story, is there?" So I'm glad you were able to suspend your disbelief in that regard.

I'll go back through the story and edit it so they don't wake every day, which I directly implied. Having them sleep for decades or centuries at a time would be much better.

I'll also try to go and make the writing more "elegant and simple," as you call it, by either making the metaphors better or removing them, and cutting down on the adjectives. Hopefully I can pull it off.

Thanks for taking a look at this! I'll send it off to EqD when I'm done polishing it up. Hopefully it can get in on feels alone :P
>> No. 105331
File 133883423062.jpg - (21.44KB , 450x425 , Ooooooo.jpg )
105331
>>105326
>
First of all, I have to thank you for not being like a couple newbs on FIM Fiction and saying "BUT WHY DON'T THEY USE THEIR MAGIC TO MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY?" To which I replied "Well, then there's no story, is there?" So I'm glad you were able to suspend your disbelief in that regard.

Sorry to cut in, and I hope I'm not speaking out of place, just giving my opinion. Sage because sage.

I haven't read your story, but if some 'newbs' are asking the question, then... why DIDN'T they use their magic to make everything all better? Not having them use magic to make everything okay JUST to create a story is a bit of a weak excuse in my opinion. Unless there's an underlying theme that suggests that they choose not to for blah blah reason, I don't see much of an excuse. It's fine to make the reader suspend disbelief for a little while, but let's just say your story has some weak points ALREADY (Haven't actually read it.) I don't think your excuse of 'well, we wouldn't have a story, would we?' would hold up with readers much.
>> No. 105335
>>105331

Sorry. You raise a good point, and I did not mean to seem arrogant in my post. Honestly, I shouldn't have even brought it up in the first place.

I suppose I did throw a line in the story that reads something like "Even we cannot conquer the passing of time." To throw a long-winded explanation in the story would break the flow. Basically, the fic was meant to be a brief thought exercise. It's not like I'm asking the reader to suspend their disbelief for a concept that spans a whole novel; it's a pretty short story.

Call me reckless or inexperienced, but I think it's fine to disregard certain details for the sake of telling a story, especially a short one. Although, you are right. I shouldn't expect all readers to just be fine with it.
>> No. 105372
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105372
>>105326

This is apparently what I get for assumptions. See, I’d assumed you’d already established in your head (and thereby subtext) that it was blatantly obvious that while Celestia and Luna are goddesses, the actual creation of life itself was beyond them, and they had resigned themselves to their effectively eternal exile. Based on that assumption, I felt as though the narrative addressed the concern of “Y magiks no fix everything?!” However...
>I think it's fine to disregard certain details for the sake of telling a story
No. It is not fine. If there is a giant gaping hole in your plot, which destroys reader immersion and the suspension of disbelief, it is pretty much the opposite of fine. Anything a critic points out, you had better already have accounted for. If you haven’t, recognize the fact that said reader did you a favor (provided they didn’t publicly embarrass you with the issue) and move to address it, either way becoming a better writer because of the criticism.
Now, this is NOT to say that some readers still “just won’t get it”, but hey, a lot of people are stupid.

>Hopefully it can get in on feels alone
Heh, good luck with that.

>>105331
>I hope I'm not speaking out of place, just giving my opinion.
I’m starting to think of you two like the CMC, runnin’ about everywhere. Weird.

>>105313
Azure-Spark, do your thing.

>>105307
No worries, was my pleasure.
> How can I get better at: Scenic exposition, Action scenes, and Thematic congruity?
Read. Read a shit-load, and keep practicing.

>>105304
Acknowledged. Nick will be taking this.
>> No. 105376
File 133884725898.png - (129.37KB , 804x452 , Mhm.png )
105376
>>105331
I get around.

If you know what I mean dohohohohoho
>> No. 105387
>>105372
Gladly, thank you.

Title: Faux Mark: The Purple Balloon
Tags: [Adventure][Slice of Life]
Synopsis: Peppermint's life has really, really not gone according to plan. Everything was fine for a while. It wasn't until she was ten that things went downhill; her creepy neighbor somehow spread her own curse to Peppermint and replaced whatever Cutie Mark she could've discovered. For years since, she has been absorbed in her search for a cure for the strange curse. And thanks to the one responsible for her misfortune, she can only dread the madness this curse leads a pony to.

One strange series of events after another, and Peppermint might finally find something else to her life than "this stupid cursed Cutie Mark." Along with the help of a new, much-needed friend, Pepper will need to come out of her shell long enough to solve a much more grounded mystery.
Word Count: 36,521 (according to FiMfic)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13dWYx6CzJnuLxAuAp_ilY9sLfoyYQY7JeX3UzRf5rGo/edit
Each chapter links to the next and the previous at the bottom, but if you'd prefer I can post all 8 links instead of just the one to the first chapter.
Special Concerns:
—This is the weirdest concept for a story I've ever gone through with. Just a heads-up.
—As always when I write for canon characters, I'm nervous about any particularly OOC moments. Please do note anything out of the ordinary for Pinkie Pie.

Once again, thank you for your time and help. I shall be eagerly awaiting whatever advice/comments/critique/complaints are to come.
>> No. 105395
>>103989

I just realized I hadn't enabled comments in the Google Docs link. Fixed.
>> No. 105399
File 133885510915.png - (173.18KB , 830x467 , Cheerilee Smile.png )
105399
Howdy SL (can I call you SL? I guess I just did. Twice)

So I just wanted to pop in and give a big thank you. My fic has been published, and was just featured on Equestira Daily. It really means a lot to me to see my first work appear on a site that I admire so much, and I can absolutely guarantee you that it wouldn't have appeared if not for the feedback you gave me.

I went back, tightened the pacing, made the focus on Cheerilee's crisis more emotional, got rid of repetition (I killed a few references to The Knot, I remember that seemed to really rustle your jimmies) and most importantly, went through with a fine-toothed comb and hammered out all the systemic flaws (I literally cut out at least 100 uses of the dammed ellipses).

You gave me EXACTLY what I was looking for when I came to you for a "last Line" review, and as a result, the story is now on EQD…something I couldn't have anticipated. So, yeah, thank you SO much! And when Chapter 2 is ready, I will likely be returning to you for a look. Again, thanks!!
>> No. 105415
>>105399
Hey Brian, congratulations on making the blog. I'm really pleased for ya mate, I remember that feel. Savor it. Glad I could help.

>Howdy SL (can I call you SL?
No.
>> No. 105490
File 133887842703.jpg - (72.52KB , 600x600 , Allegory.jpg )
105490
>>103989
Yeah, sorry, man. I've been trying for over two hours to try and get into this... Something about this story just rubs me the wrong way, and not even in the "I hate this so much I'm going to keep reading out of spite" way. Maybe it's the fact that it's far too purple for me to find interesting. Maybe it's the cliched weather report that you start with. Maybe it's the fact that you start with a bunch of OCs, straight off the bat, in fanfiction that's supposed to be starring the main six. Maybe it's the boring, flat-and-unnatural sounding dialogue.

Just... yeesh, man. This did not have a very Nick-accessible hook.
>> No. 105510
>>105490

I'm sorry that you couldn't get into my story, and I'm going to assume you only got a few pages into it based off of the comment you put in Googledocs. Although you did still give me some good feedback nonetheless.

-Cliched purple opening.
'Weather report', that made me laugh. You're right, it is. And devoting an entire paragraph to say it's a cold winter night with twelve constellations in the sky making a circle is probably too much. What makes me cringe though is that you say it's still purple, because get this: It used to be worse. Much, much worse. At this point I think it's unsalvageable, but I have another idea. See below.

-Boring, flat and unnatural dialogue.
I'm assuming you're talking about the exchange between Seeker and Caraway. I'll admit that I didn't put a lot of deep thought into these specific characters because they are never seen again after the Prologue. I could develop them more, but again, have another idea.

-The story is about the Mane 6.
Yes, it is. And you're right, starting the story with a 5k prologue where none of them are even mentioned is a bad idea.

My idea is this: I skip the Prologue and just start the story at Chapter 1. I've read in a few places that having a Prologue is a bad idea, anyway. I don't regret writing the thing, because as the author I need to know that information, but I'm thinking the reader doesn't. Not yet, anyway. There would be questions that aren't answered, but they are hinted at throughout the story. And then at the end it's revealed to the Mane 6, so maybe then would be the time to convey that information to the reader.

The first chapter opens with a quick scene of an OC going to see Celestia and Luna, and then it goes to Twilight. I'm thinking that will be a better place to start the story. If you'd like, you can start from there and see what you think, but I understand if you're turned off of the story now. It's not done yet and I have a ways to go, but I think if I keep getting feedback it will eventually be readable.

Thanks for your time.
>> No. 105529
>>104386

Hey Nick! Just wanted to let you know I just got this fic approved for EqD, and on the first try, no less! Thanks again for your review, and expect me to drop off later chapters in the future, if that's okay. Not going to compromise quality just because I have free reign over my story now.
>> No. 105534
File 133892582212.jpg - (437.65KB , 1200x1600 , Kuva049.jpg )
105534
Title : Between the Two of Us, There's No Discord

Tag : [Tragicomedy]

Synopsis : Their work environment may seem rather large, their jobs and responsibilities may feel a little overwhelming, and they may have an eternity (or more) until retirement, but put that into perspective, and you might see that the values of higher beings come pretty close to our own.

Word Count : 4732

Link : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jsHqL0gGa_UpQ4vEO8WkRc-HMfZAsDxLIStzi0nklSA/edit

I'm hoping this story would speak for itself, hence the kind of vague synopsis and tag. No better theme than love conquers all friendship is magic, right?
>> No. 105627
File 133896582521.png - (269.68KB , 945x945 , 131494495074.png )
105627
>>105534
>> No. 105661
File 133900260347.png - (39.91KB , 209x202 , 130215903313.png )
105661
>>105534
Sorry, busy. This will be a bit truncated.

Issues:

Run-on sentences

stacked descriptors

comma splices / awkwardly placed commas

missing quotation marks

dialogue tagging issues

Em dash confusion

Straight up missing/wrong words

Reeeeeeeally clunky phrasing, both in narration and dialogue, making it occasionally (see often) difficult to tell what the fuck you’re trying to convey.

Really heavy on the adjectives.

Is english your first language? (No offense here, I actually need to know.)

Annnnnd I’m going to be dropping this here until you go through and actually give it an edit-sweep and some sentence structure work.

I can dig the concept at its foundation, but you need to do something to make it less jarring. Like, you just have Discord monologue-bitching about standing in a line, and in the next few pages it becomes clear that he’s an anthropomorphic personification of Chao itself, presumably in the company of a shit-load of other said beings, and then suddenly Death is there chatting about outta-the-blue shit for which we have no context whatsoever, that really doesn’t seem to do anything to drive the premise, but rather serves as a block of one-shot side-story. Not sure if you’re going for Pratchett or Gaimen-esque thing here, but I like both, so I’m going to be a bit bias in liking this once you pull it together.

Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 105745
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105745
>>105304
>Oh hey, this, uh... this isn't the fic where Derpy gets raped. Already, we're off to a good start.

Plot Summary
Derpy loses her job, gets threatened by some sort of magical villain, finds a magic pendant that lets her see into the past, the villain... is threatened, but not really, but escapes, but not really, and doesn't come back to find Derpy, but meanwhile, Derpy's dreaming about the past life of a mercenary who gets double-crossed by someone who double-crosses him, except it's not a dream because she can alter the reality, so she wakes up and dresses like a sexy maid in order to inspire Spike to ask Rarity out (even though Rainbow Dash said it'd be a bad idea), but THAT doesn't work out, so... I guess they're dating now or something, and then Derpy finds the clue in order to help find the villain from the hotel that escaped.

This story is a literary clusterfuck of decent ideas that... well, turns into a clusterfuck and does it with the weirdest sense of "this takes so long to read, yet everything's happening too quickly."

Let me explain. I really liked this story, but every ounce of my body screamed for me to stop reading and to cut this review short. Yet, through some strange fluke, you kept me reading against my will, and every time I pushed farther into this piece, I found more reasons to dislike where this story was headed, but at the same time, I ended up enjoying this.

I think.

Critiques
Your story has a serious case of "genre dysphoria," in that you shift tones, directions, and conflicts at the drop of a hat. You start off with a... really weird prologue between Derpy and her sister (who never gets mentioned again), then... a chilling, gritty, postmodernist view of Derpy (the tone felt like it was out of Requiem for a Dream or Fight Club almost, then she gets fired and things get really sappy. Then, detective novel, then, jungle adventure, then, romantic drama... this story is almost like it's being told by a schizophrenic (no offense), and given who Derpy is... I have to congratulate you on a meta-level (I think) for pulling that off.

My main concern, though, is that you're trying to tell a story. What story are you trying to tell? Derpy falls on hard times but is rescued by friends? Spike wants to ask Rarity out but gets rejected? Iron Cross and Feather Quill are looking for an ancient tome in the Everfree Forest? The amulet? The... one villain whose name escapes me? There's a LOT going on in this story, and it's crazy. You definitely need to pick a conflict, stick with it, and show how all of the other sub-conflicts are related to it. At times, these connections are extremely thin or not even apparent, which makes this difficult to progress through because, while it's interesting, I have a hard time realizing why I should worry about Derpy... dressing up like a sexy maid.

Speaking of... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK was that entire scene about? It was... borderline terrible, near-pornographic, and had virtually no bearing on the plot other than to have a random roaring crowd around Derpy, dressed like a sexy maid, throwing money, while reading Spike's porn collection.

But back to the original critique, pacing is your major problem here. This story didn't really have a good hook, and a lot of the conflict was slow-going at best. It felt fast because of disorientation, but basically, that's because reading this story was like the equivalent of having an Abrahm's Tank crash through your house while you're fighting off a robot army. Sure, the tank opens up and it's Former President Bill Clinton here to save the day from the evil robots, but the connections weren't always where they should have been.

I might follow this review up with more feedback when I get my head about me (don't count on it, though), and I'll answer questions you might have, but for now, I can't really think of much about this story other than the pacing and conflicts being all skewy.
>> No. 105753
>>105080
>I simply feel that that is kind of an awkward place to PUT said inference.
I...can't really put it anywhere else. Here: I am going to draw your attention to this, because if I have done this badly, it must be addressed. Yes, it is a subtle point and I don't want to highlight it in orange marker, but...
Oh, and for you tag-along peoples, this is spoilered seriously.
So, as you are aware, Autumn went all...well, you called it "wangsty." Here's the low-down: so far, we have been informed that Autumn hides, and hides well. We have witnessed him disappearing easily, and Lock comments that he can "sup with the enemy and them never know [he is] there." One thing this scene does is show that hiding is, aside from his talent, his first instinct. Things go south, he is reprimanded, and he hides; it takes Dew's coaxing to get him out of the shadows. Further, his thoughts are not firstly upon rescuing the captive/saving Equestria. While he may not be actively hiding from the dogs at this point, the hidden man does not throw himself into harms way. Oh, and the important piece of past this reveals? It will likely get touched upon later, but it is the event that led him to discover his talent.

As I said, I don't want to highlight this, but if I supplied it badly...

>You’ve dismissed the potential for a “dog uprising” and the looming threat that entailed, and are shifting gears toward… something else.
> it depends on when you update and submit, but yes, consider me a fan of the story.
Yeah, see, this is my worry. First, my schedule is hectic at best, and my internet time is limited, so updates will likely be slow. Second, as you mentioned, I am shifting gears here; can I keep the initial audience interested? The thought weighs heavy on my creative muse, and I can only hope.
>> No. 105762
>>105661

>run-ons
Quite an easy fix. I don't really mind those at all so I guess I just needed someone to say they're annoying. Academic texts tend to have some crazy run-ons so I may have picked the habit from those.

>stacked descriptors
First I put one, then re-read and don't think that's enough, these happen

>missing quotation marks
Um, no... Though there might be something else wrong since it looks like that.

>dialogue tagging issues
Me being a fool by trying to avoid breaking up those pretty paragraphs. Not an issue if you read a bit slowly (like yours truly, but that's not an excuse)

>Em dash confusion
I only use en dashes so I don't see this being relevant.

I knew I couldn't fool a pro! Yep, my native language isn't English.
I noticed parallels with Pratchett's Death right away, and decided to roll with it and see where it goes. And please, read the whole thing before you criticise the plot. The characters, fine, but c'mon, it's ten miserable pages long.

I'll get back to this tomorrow. Right now I got other things.
>> No. 105763
Yep, I dun finished chapter two. I've had my editor look it over, but he may have missed something.

Title: Ideas Live On
Genre Tags: [Adventure][Sci-fi]
Synopsis: The ancient past of Equestria has always been shrouded in mystery; even the claims from the Princesses don't seem to be consistent with the evidence. The key to the past resides in a map found by a Professor Sparks of Canterlot University; a map of a foreign land called "The United States of America".
Word Count: Prologue: 1067
Chapter 1: 10356
Chapter 2: 5170
Link: Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vsdQP746MCwnZdzPKwf74iwuZxB7nibXmIVCxJ3NB2E/edit
Chaper 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_e38lqCLpXNtdNaL7hdXHved0IIfE93rQj4KpjOoaE/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wWmWRKQTkHn27pO7Cz3Wo4dVWV_BuCQpeqLCZQ83XWE/edit

Grande plan doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qGxT4ZQ16LzgQ5S7QCk71qPFQbS4BL0-UaNuEKMf-mg/edit

As usual, the questions:
How was the action sequence? Was it confusing?
How was the writing during the dogfight with the dragon? Did you get lost or feel like I skipped parts of the action?
Compared to Sparks' action scene in chapter 1, is Spitfire's significantly different?
Did you ever feel that events felt rushed or contrived? Conversely, did you think the ponies skipped around too much?
Was the balance of exposition to action more even this time, or did the chapter feel lopsided?

Seeing as Seattle's having a busy week, you're both welcome to take this one this time around.
>> No. 105775
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105775
>I also still have the offer to review non-pony original fiction, as I think it’s important not to stick within the confines of this show.

Have you gotten the chance to read any of that so far? It looks like this thread hasn't had a whole lot of that stuff.
I'm going to change that! I don't think that my story properly fits the definition of a fanfic, but that is not to say that it is not pony-related.
If it's okay with you, I would just like to let you know that I have posted this story on Richard M. Nixon's thread, and I am still awaiting his review.

Title: Chat
Genre Tags: [Human] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: How to turn your friends into bronies
Word Count: 793
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SeH0wne2nqR_lvQcZSlwE79NE3HF2JxZzp1myoCbvTk/

One thing that you might want to know is that I will not be sharing the story with you. For the time being at least, I will simply share the opening scene because that is what I really want to get right at the moment.
>> No. 105782
File 133910595069.png - (135.16KB , 322x337 , Neat.png )
105782
>>105775
Synopsis
The author claims this is an instruction manual on "how to turn your friends into bronies," however, as this is titled "Fandom-Fic," perhaps there are some deeper meanings afoot here...

Musings
As I didn't find anything inherently wrong with this story, I'll instead put some musings here instead of outright critiques. For example, I didn't find any problems with the grammar, pacing, characterization, prose, dialogue, or exposition. Part of me is tempted to say that this fic was perfect, just on account of how few problems I found with it, but I usually try to refrain from absolutes.

Instead, I'll try to focus on the message behind Fandom-Fic. You said this is "how to turn your friends into bronies," however, I really think that this story has some striking and important allegories. For example, your entire work could be applied to the fandom at whole, seeing as how it hints at human interaction being tethered to strides in technological advancement. I definitely got a vibe of nihilism in this, questioning important things such as, "does this really matter?" and "are any of the people in this fandom actually genuine?" After all, you were so bold as to boil down indoctrination into this fandom into a supposed instruction manual, and furthermore, you referred to this instruction manual as prose instead of technical writing.

While I'm not usually fond of or confident in my ability to review "artistic" pieces like this, I can safely say that this time, I'm pretty sure of your meaning. You left this document titled "Untitled Document," showing the endless potential of this fandom, despite the fact that many of its individuals act in a less-than-self-actualized manner from time to time (after all, then they would have received a title, then, correct?).

On a personal level, this piece speaks to me because, inherently, this appeared to be an easy-to-review work. Seven hundred and forty-three words means I can read and give feedback in an almost instantaneous manner, which means it's not a lot of effort on my part in order to help you. However, once I started reading this, I found personal meaning in this, as I feel that this story hints at the underlying shallowness beneath this fandom, and how it's simply an exercise in what is "easy," or, as I prefer to call it, escapism.

Or maybe you just fucked up and sent me a blank document on accident.
>> No. 105787
>>105782
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SeH0wne2nqR_lvQcZSlwE79NE3HF2JxZzp1myoCbvTk/edit

See that edit at the end guys? That's very important. Something must come after it, otherwise it just creates a new document for you.
>> No. 105790
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105790
>>105775
>>105787
>mfw I liked this better as a blank document

"How well this will be received" is an interesting metric, because this fandom is inherently misanthropic and doesn't like to read about the "meatspace" side of things. Metafics are hit-and-miss, in that some satires are brilliant and others... well, I still hold my opinions about Hearts of Red Ink despite it being written by a close colleague and it being declared a "Success" by the original driving force behind it.

ANYHOO, I definitely think that you're falling into the "miss" end of things here. A... Facebook chat, I suppose, is fair game, however, you should really take better strides to keep track of who's talking. On Facebook, there's the little face icons next to the chat, but here, you're writing text, so you don't have that. Your options are to embed the pictures or write the names or color the text (though those last two will break away from Facebook's formatting), but seriously, you need to do something about the fact that I have no idea who was talking at any time.

Moving on... reading that rap very eloquently captured the disdainful feeling that I get when someone starts writing a rap to me in an Instant Message program. Is that how you and your friends do things? Is this about your friends and you? If not, I highly recommend tweaking your characters so that they're not the type who... rap... at each other. It's grating to read, to say the least. "I skipped past it" would probably be the honest thing to say, but still. Nix the rap.

Finally, I'm having trouble accepting this conversation as an actual conversation. I have many individuals that I correspond with over Instant Messaging, and I... rarely address them by name. It really feels like "THIS IS A STORY AND I AM INTRODUCING THE CHARACTERS BY NAME SO THAT YOU KNOW THEIR NAME FOR THE REST OF THE STORY" at this point. Then, you get the "asynchronous conversation" right (kudos) before delving into the pointless rap, which then leads to an accidental My Little Pony terminology drop (also, bullshit this guy hasn't heard of "everypony," on the Internet, when this conversation takes place late into Season 2). Then, there's a moment that makes me wonder if these characters are a legitimate gay couple ("you don't keep secrets from me"), and then, the link. Yes, go with YouTube. Yes, also, make sure that you put more work into making this chat real.
>> No. 105803
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105803
>>105745

Thank you very much for an insightful review that . . . compared my fiction to Bill Clinton in an Abrams. Can't say I saw that one coming. Anyway, there's just a few things that I'd like to comment on.

>finds a magic pendant that lets her see into the past
>really weird prologue between Derpy and her sister (who never gets mentioned again)
Your confusion over this seems to ignore Chapter 2, Scene 2 (C2S2). From Chapter 1, Scene 1 (C1S1) and the aforementioned scene respectively:
>(C1S1) An earth pony mare of similar gray hue rested amidst a grouping of stones, her straight sable mane draped entirely to one side to give her violet eyes an unobstructed view of the tome laid out before her.
>(C2S2) The door had not opened. The window remained shut. Even so, a gray-furred earth pony mare took hold of the chair from a nearby desk and moved it to the side of the bed. Planting herself onto the cushioned seat, she placed a large leather-bound book on the bed and stared at the sleeping Derpy with wistful violet eyes. She leaned forward and opened her mouth as if to speak, but flinched in the next instant. The mare looked to the side before sitting back in the chair and brushing her long black mane out of her eyes.
According to C1S1, she was given the pendant by her sister. In C2S2, the pendant shines and a pony w/ the exact description of her sister (sable = black) shows up with a book called "The Lost History" and begins reading. I do not think that the pendant does what you think it does. Also, heavy book emphasis in both scenes. I don't know how I could make the connection any stronger here. Her sister is due back in C4S2 as well w/ a bit more clarification on who she is.

>the villain... is threatened, but not really
How? If she was who she said she was, then she wouldn't want Twilight to go over her head. As the imposter that she is, having Celestia notified of her presence would have been even worse. Seems like a valid threat to me, or do you think that Twilight wouldn't have gone through with it?

>but escapes, but not really
Did the police catch her or are they still looking for her? Still looking for her, you say? Then she escaped. Really.

>a mercenary who gets double-crossed by someone who double-crosses him
He wasn't double-crossed. Feather explained her actions at length.

>I guess they're dating now or something
Where did you get that idea? Does one hug = dating now? Anyhow, isn't that assuming quite a bit? Could these two even have a relationship, what with Spike on the mend from getting dumped and Derpy being . . . Derpy?

>you kept me reading against my will
Translation: It was captivating, but I want that to come off as a negative.

>What story are you trying to tell?
My intent was to tell a series of short stories connected by a set of common threads. You've got the identity of the first one down, but that second isn't about a book hunt (the book only contains the prophecies that motivate Cross - he has it on him), and the third one isn't about Spike getting rejected (to put it bluntly, Derpy uses what she learned from Cross to make a new friend and succeeds, even if she makes an enemy, blows up Sparity, and clears out Spike's stash in the process). As for the tonal shifts, the story usually doesn't do that in an unpredictable fashion. Example:
>C1S1 - Flashback denoted by THEN tag. Attempts to hook w/ mysterious setting and sisterly love.
>C1S2 & C1S6 - Both use same "gritty tone". Derpy is alone w/ her thoughts in both. Both take place in the apartment. This tone never shows up anywhere else. This seems intentional . . .
>C1S3-C1S5 + C1S7-C1S9 - Standard SoL tone.
>C2S1 & C2S10 - Crime drama. Perspective switches to Twilight. Gives us what went on in the real world during the scenes sandwiched between.
>C2S2-C2S9 - Adventure tone. Derpy's inside an adventurer's head. Seems legit.
>C2S11-C3S8 - Standard SoL.
And just so you know:
>C4S1 & C4S9 - Crime drama. Same purpose as in C2.
>C4S2-S8 - Adventure tone. Derpy & Cross again.
See what I mean? This cycle repeats. Is it really that confusing? You're one of only two people thus far who complained about this (out of about 20 or so that I've spoken with). I'm not saying that you're wrong; I'd just like to (a) confirm that it's still how you feel after you've "gotten your head about you" and (b) get a little more detailed suggestion on how you'd approach solving the problem.

>I have a hard time realizing why I should worry about Derpy... dressing up like a sexy maid.
The chapter centers on Derpy's attempt to take a bull by the horns; this is that (intensely awkward) attempt. Will she succeed and motivate Spike, or will she just make a mess? I thought that her argument w/ RD set the point of it up pretty well (plus the foreshadowing at the start of C3S3).

>It was... borderline terrible, near-pornographic, and had virtually no bearing on the plot
See above; I think you just missed the point somehow. As for the objectionable content, my first prereader for this scene is a devout Orthodox Christian. She thought it was hilarious and told me that I should have milked it more (I told her that it would have caused a pacing issue). Borderline pornographic? No. A bit racy? Yes. Maybe it's just not your kind of humor.

One last thing, how are the technical aspects aside from pacing? Should I take the lack of comment about them as a thumbs-up in that regard?

Thank you again for your time and effort. Sorry this is so huge.
>> No. 105818
File 133912243659.png - (84.33KB , 440x495 , spoiler.png )
105818
>>105803
>mfw you think you've offended me with "questionable content."
I wrote a story about a coked-up scumbag going down on themselves while hallucinating a one-night stand, let alone the horrors I've seen while prereading for Equestria Daily. It'll take more than "sexy Derpy" to unsettle me. But more on that in a little bit...

>explanation of sister
Okay, it's good that you have this explanation prepared, and your interpretation of things matches the events in the story, but you shouldn't have to explain things outside of the story. I'll admit that the pendant part might have been because I skimmed a little, but her sister...
>Her sister is due back in C4S2 as well w/ a bit more clarification on who she is.
This doesn't change the fact that she's practically hidden throughout the story. Is she important to Derpy? The story? Then she needs to be present in Derpy's thoughts, so that she's more prominent in the story. Even if she died or something, Derpy should think back to her dead sister and play catch with her every night every now and then.

>Seems like a valid threat to me, or do you think that Twilight wouldn't have gone through with it?
My main beef with the whole "villain plot" is that it gets markedly less focus than Silver Cross and... *twitch*... Sparity. Stupid name combinations. It's like you're playing keep-away with the good stuff of this story by throwing mildly-tangentially-related plot devices and points in the way of stuff that actually looks like it would resolve the plot. For example, Bitchy Bureaucrat (or whatever her name is) got Derpy fired because of X, Derpy makes friends, BB gets brought to justice because Derpy learns about friendship, Derpy gets job back. That would be decent conflict resolution---cliche on the surface, true, but everything sounds cliche boiled down to its basest elements. Instead, you wander, from a narrative standpoint, and it makes it hard to trust that you, the author, know where this story is headed.

>Is [the tone shifting] really that confusing? You're one of only two people thus far who complained about it
To be brief, yes. My biggest problem with this story is that it's several stories intertwined into one, and I don't think you did a sufficient job showing how everything is interrelated. Why are magic books important to Derpy/her sister? Why is this importance related to her losing her job/being a klutz? How is Derpy breaking up Spike/Rarity leading to her getting her job back? That last one, I can answer: because she comes to a slight realization about herself while she's ranting at Rarity. The other ones... ?

>See above; I think you just missed the point somehow... Borderline pornographic? No.
My main problem with this story is how it's confusingly-written, isn't an elegant solution to the problem at hand, and it relies on something that's either making fun of a mentally-handicapped individual's lack of understanding of sex and social tact or it's downright creepy. Meaning: either Derpy doesn't know what she's doing and you, the author, are having a (written to be, what with reduced income housing and whatnot) mentally challenged but cute pony flying around, dressed in a sexy manner, while oblivious to everything; or, she's a 23-year-old idiot savant who knows she's trussing up for a sexually-confused 15-year-old (or some other pubescent age). You don't really dwell on the build-up to the scene (just... Derpy buying a sexy costume) and everyone sort of goes, "Who else but Derpy?" despite the fact that she more or less turned the library into a strip club (Twilight's reaction is more of, "AT LEAST SOMEONE ACTUALLY CAME TODAY!"). The whole thing sticks out like a sore thumb, destroys the pacing of the story, and it adds themes that are really out of place other than "having them for the sake of having them".

So hence, "pornographic."

>One last thing, how are the technical aspects aside from pacing? Should I take the lack of comment about them as a thumbs-up in that regard?
Pretty much. The writing's decent, I just wish you had applied it to a more coherent story.>>103290
>> No. 105835
>>105790
>mfw I liked this better as a blank document

Ouch, man.
>> No. 105853
>>105835
Agreed. This was a pretty harsh review. Redout, I don't know if you're going to take this review personally although, I'll admit, the sarcastic response to the blank document was a bit unnecessary, I'd just like to point out that this review lacked one little word that seems to accurately describe way too many fics on this board:

"Cliche"

I'm not going to ask you to not take Nick's advice seriously here, as he does have a few good points. I'd just like to point out the fact that your story already has a leg-up on the others, in that it has that flair of originality that so many readers crave and too many fics lack. You have taken a risk with this idea of yours, which kind of reminds me of the risk Pixar took when making the world's first purely CGI movie inb4 pointless shitstorm. If you pair this idea of yours with a quality story, you just might make something that stands out from the rest of the pieces of literary copy/pastas that we have all read several times, just with different titles.

It's a little hopeful, but, you know.
>> No. 105857
File 133914002391.png - (29.52KB , 347x406 , Glare.png )
105857
>>105853
"Brony acceptance" is a tired concept, even back in last July when I used to browse /oat/. While I haven't read a lot of "humans not going to Equestria" stories, that doesn't make the idea any fresher. The chat-log idea could be novel, if done correctly, but as-is, I don't see how it adds anything to the story over straight narration.

So thank you for your attempts at an undermining pep-talk, but this isn't the thread for lies.

>>105835
Yes, it's harsh. But it's how I feel: whatever story you're trying to tell got strangled by its execution and meaningless segments.

That doesn't mean I want you to quit, though. Consider this a challenge to improve your writing and exposition. Or don't.
>> No. 105879
>>105787
>>105790

In honor of this author's most bodacious rap, I have devised the Seattle n' Nick diss raptrax as a general response to any of those righteous brothers from another mother(s) that feel that their review was bogus.

LARGE DISCLAIMER:

BELOW IS WHAT WE CALL "SARCASM." IF ANY OF THOU ARE FOREIGN TO THE CONCEPT, PLEASE READ A BOOK.



Side A: Nick



Nick, if you think I'm gonna take this shit,
you're wrong,
Lay off the bong
Or at least get Seattle outta that thong
But I digress
You've come to test
My patience with your review
and you ain't nothin' special
(just another part of the /fic/ crew)
Ya so I know, I ain't Joyce,
It's not my choice
Be I tried anyway don't that count?
I didn't want to lose it,
But your made me nuts,
So I said "Screw it"
My Pinkie is out of place?
Fuck you, and take a fist to the face,
Nicknack, take a smack,
right across the chops
till your neck goes pop
Bro, your critique is weak
It's like you're still on your mother's teat,
and can't raise a finger,
My prose if fine,
it's just you who can't read between lines
So you say my shit don't make sense
You're too dense to understand, man
Give me a gold star review,
Just like those stickers worn by Jews
A Holocaust reference, tasteless?
I know Nick gets a laugh outta the slaughter of six million faceless
Certified member of the new SS
Blitzkreiging the shit outta the southwest
Boy, he's some sort of scum,
Tapping his Nazi feet
to the beat of the war drum
Now he's seen my angry post,
and has this shitfaced grin
all over his face
I just wanna spray it with mace
and say "Pucker up bitch!"
Fucker.



Side B: Seattle



Seattle is a hipster and nobody cares about his silly thick-rimmed glass. People call him Mr. Lite because they think his first name is Bright and like to jam incandescent lights in his anus in hopes that he'll act like the toy. Boy, outta the people I know, there's few that annoy as much as Seattle, it's like he was raised by cattle. Smells just a bad. I would continue, but rap is for those stuck in 2005, and I don't have a copy of autotune.



If y'all don't want me taking up space with my phat beats, I'll go, but you can't stop the power of music, ya meddling kids. Crunk out, yo.
>> No. 105881
File 133918073676.jpg - (16.87KB , 450x337 , please-explain_1-450x337.jpg )
105881
>>105853
>this review lacked one little word that seems to accurately describe way too many fics on this board
>he does have a few good points
>the risk Pixar took when making the world's first purely CGI movie
>the rest of the pieces of literary copy/pastas that we have all read several times, just with different titles

>>105857
>lies
>> No. 105883
File 133918386104.png - (171.70KB , 483x232 , Fuck Im High.png )
105883
>>105879
>Cassius' face when
>> No. 105885
File 133918490234.png - (1.17MB , 1500x1000 , making things write.png )
105885
'sup

I was on this a while ago, but I got a bit depressed and gave up writing for a while. I got back in the game more recently, and I wanna get my fic up to EqD scratch.

Making Things Write

[Normal][Adventure]

Behind every great book is a great writer. Almost everypony knows of the intrepid adventures of Daring Do, but few know the truth about her creator.

This is the story of Opal Parchment, a young mare trying to finish the last Daring Do adventure before it's too late. Her quest lands her in Ponyville, where Opal gets the unexpected help of two of her biggest fans.

Chapter 1: 9024 Words
Chapter 2: 8017 words

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PsPsQxQ1FoOuYfiyKH6sAiaP_CTp7ZQIDQJurN66LhM/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V-6BY15Ga5Q0MQ8NdsF0iF0uOUMwlerkUj-D5rOfn9U/edit

I understand this is kinda really long, so you don't have to do chapter 2 if you're not up to it.
>> No. 105887
File 133918663017.gif - (49.13KB , 290x360 , 130308127275.gif )
105887
>>105879
I... you... I don't even....
Cass, that's fucking amazing.Totally crossed the gamut of the reaction spectrum on this one. I'm at a loss for words right now...

Oh, wait, found some.
>>105881
I don't know who you are mate, but if you're not affiliated with the author in some writing-specifc way, then kindly stop posting. You're not having a grammar-specific discussion, you're arguing with Nick. Send him an email if you want, but knock that shit off ITT.
>> No. 105891
File 133918898438.png - (122.85KB , 391x364 , KKKKKK.png )
105891
>>105879
I don't even.
>> No. 105892
File 133918921121.jpg - (84.16KB , 459x585 , wraith-girl-2.jpg )
105892
>>105891
You are not a fan of the new SS are you?
>> No. 105894
File 133918943820.png - (28.65KB , 200x160 , WhyRainbow.png )
105894
>>105892
I don't know why I would be.
>> No. 105895
File 133918977403.jpg - (24.13KB , 220x337 , 220px-Last_unicorn.jpg )
105895
>>105894
Just following a line from that poem from that post:
>>105879
"Certified member of the new SS
Blitzkreiging the shit outta the southwest
Boy, he's some sort of scum"
>> No. 105897
File 133919130750.png - (101.78KB , 208x362 )
105897
>>105891
>>105892
>>105894
>>105895
The OP has requested to keep this thread on topic. Please do so, okay?
>> No. 105973
File 133924954051.jpg - (70.44KB , 250x370 , sadcadance.jpg )
105973
Sorry it's not in g-docs, I literally can't post there right now

Title: A Heavy Crown
[Sad] [Tragedy] [Romance]
Synopsis:
I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story.
~8,283

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29008/A-Heavy-Crown

Note: I'll probably also be back for the fourth chapter, but I wanted to get a proper review (shame Nixon quit as this thread is pretty busy) before I broke the 10K word barrier
>> No. 106056
File 133929432636.jpg - (59.38KB , 679x478 , 131206311749.jpg )
106056
>>105763
Allllright, chapter two. Let’s do this.


>air travel.” Shooting Star said
c’mon now dromer :P

>Utopian theory
Suddenly pony atlantis

>can use- the caves
hyphens are used to link numbers an compounds, Em dashes are used for breaking a sentence or creating an appositive, and there’s no space between them. FTFY-
>can use—the caves

The opening is a bit amorphous. Like, give us a scene in the beginning where you briefly show what all the travelers are doing, and then get back to the story. As it stands, you go down the line, highlighting them only when they speak. This makes me step back and wonder for a second who the hell this pony is. Might not be an issue for someone who picks this up directly after the first chapter, but I thought I’d throw that out there.

>our chances are best taken punching straight through it.”
this is phrased oddly.

Given the events that are unfolding, I have to say there’s a serious lack of tension coming across. The narrative is too passive. Try throwing in some judicious adjectives to personalize the character’s impressions.

>The three pegasus
pegasusususes
… okay, you do this enough for me to wonder if it’s intentional. sup with that?

>The other four of us nodded.
WHOA man, wtf are you doing? You’ve been solid with 3rd person omni up to this point, an now you switch over to implying limited?? My head is full of fuck!

>they felt a slight crosswind. The rain began to fall at a slight angle,
word rep ‘slight’

The narration is coming across pretty dry mate, in direct contrast to the dialogue and tone you’re working for. Few examples-
>“Sparks, look lively!” The voice came from Sandstorm.
>His muscles took more and more energy from him.
>But he was warm, from exertion, or something.

>It was a comforting warm...
and then you go on to say it’s from fatigue. This no makey sensical stuffs.

>The two earth ponies were
pony’s

>caught a movement near the top of the tower.
omit the ‘a’

>long faced monster
long-faced

>had begun freefalling.
clunky. try-
>and had dropped into free-fall.

>suddenly-outstretched
Generally don’t hyphenate adverbs or adjectives ending in -ly

>The moment an opponent shows a fatal flaw in their flight path, a single weakness in technique.
connect this to the previous sentence. I’d suggest an Em dash.

>pressure.. One
oops

>Spitfire felt sleepiness tug at her limbs.
meh

>Spark’s likeliness
This is awkward. Go with ‘likelihood’, or even better ‘chances of survival’


------------

>Did i feel the scenes were rushed or contrived-
rushed, not really. Contrived, a bit. I mean, crazy storm over Chicago without explanation. Suddenly dragon out of nowhere with no hint of explanation or even a real “wtf moment’ from the characters, before or after the encounter. They then just seem to forget about the thing after it splashes into the lake.

>Action scenes-
Yeah, you really need to work on these in conveyance of intensity and drama, though the actual sequence of events comes across clear enough… in fact, I’d say you belabor the sequence, to the detriment of immersion.

>Was the balance of exposition to action more even this time, or did the chapter feel lopsided?
The balance is better, but take in the above considerations. The last thing an action scene can survive is reading dry. Make it more visceral.


The entirety of this chapter boils down to—The crew in transit. Regardless, and nice transition chapter. Cheers mate, look forward to the next one!
>> No. 106092
>>106056
Slight correction:

You don't use hyphen for range of numbers, you use en dashes.

>word rep ‘slight’
Did you correct it?, or what do mean with that?

>pony’s
I'm trying to figure out how in the world you made this mistake. The three dozen human's were discussing about writing and decided to say this?

Never use them with words ending in -ly. That's actually a rule, because of the way those modify others.

That ellipsis needs four dots, not three, just clarifying that.

That's about it.

(This thing of reviewing reviews is weird.)
>> No. 106107
File 133931699360.jpg - (90.39KB , 1920x1080 , 130289067447.jpg )
106107
>>106092
>You don't use hyphen for range of numbers, you use en dashes.
Granted, though most folk don’t differentiate between an en dash and a hyphen. All writers take note:
Hyphens are used for compounding verbs, adverbs or adjectives.
An en dash is used in expression of ranges of value or distance.
Now, while this distinction is a proper one, I won’t fault an individual for using an en dash and a hyphen as one and the same. Em dash? There’s a MAJOR difference in both size and application.
However, this is fanfiction, and I’m not going to hold it against a writer for confusing hyphen and en dash application.

>’slight’
>Did you correct it? or what do mean with that?
I mean he used it twice very closely to one another, and it was noticeably repetitive.

>pony’s
I have no fucking idea how that happened. Jesusballs. My bad Dromer, apologies.

>That ellipsis needs four dots, not three, just clarifying that.
No. Ellipsis... works like... this. Note there are three dots. No more, no less. There is always a space after ellipses unless they are used at the beginning of a sentence (very rare, often wrong, don't recommend it), or at the end, be it in narration or dialogue.

Ellipses are not to be followed or preceded by other strong punctuation marks in fiction. Yes, I’m aware this is debatable, and various arguments exist for either side, but here’s what I go with: 

This usage-
>...? 
can be a flexible exception, but I'm incredibly not fond of it for a laundry list of reasons. Where-as:
>... . / . ... / ...! / ...— / 
are all shit. The first two examples are often used in academic and legal notation, as well as journalistic articles and letters. Oh, and philosophers. Philosophy text is just laden with the first two examples above (especially Emerson for some reason). 

They are, however, absolute crap for fiction. This is because an ellipsis with a period preceding it indicates an omission at the end of the sentence, whereas an ellipsis before a period indicates an omission directly after the period... and why the hell would we do that? We want to engage our readers as much as possible, right? Ellipses are most useful to the fiction writer for displaying hesitation or uncertainty in the character, or a transition of a scene; we don't use them as other trades do to outright omit information (unless we're being particularly canny). For further reference, see section 13.50-13.54 of the Chicago Manual of Style, 16th Ed. The latter two examples above have no basis anywhere I have ever seen, and make jack for logical sense. 

Okay now. Thanks for the post anon. Going to bed.
>> No. 106108
File 133931766264.png - (353.58KB , 973x550 , Why.png )
106108
>>106107
You and your hatred of combining ellipses with punctuation.
>> No. 106109
File 133931817802.jpg - (44.34KB , 536x600 , 131192313688.jpg )
106109
>>106108
>> No. 106114
File 133932960024.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
106114
Just some ancillary bookkeeping. Also, if you've posted something in this thread up to this point and it's not in this post, then say something, as you've been unintentionally overlooked.


Open Queue
>>105387 (Claimed)
>>105885
>>105973

Reviews:
>>103292/>>103302 (Beyond the Wall) (N)
>>103305/>>103375 (Gravity's Rainboom) (N)
>>103383/>>103449 (Bloodline) (N)
>>103384/>>103421 (Smiling Flowers) (S)
>>103414/>>103447 (Rogsby) (N)
>>103485/>>103828 (A Dish Best Served Cold, or Not at All) (S)
>>103596/>>103713 (Pinkie my Friend) (N)
>>103724/>>103980 (All the Good Things) (N)
>>103742/>>104010 (March to the Scaffold) (N)
>>103908/>>104375|>>104750 (Equestrian Secret Service) (S)
>>103983/>>104030 (Flying High, Falling Hard) (S)
>>103989/>>105490 (The Zodiac Ritual)
>>104121/>>104386 (One Simple Choice) (N)
>>104589/>>104692 (The L Words) (BYEAHHH)
>>104598/>>104729 (I Dream of Pinkie) (N)
>>104671/>>105187 (The Savage Way) (N)
>>104675/>>104992 (Ideas Live On 1) (S)
>>104972/>>105280 (Waiting) (S)
>>105304/>>105298 (Dusk And Dawn: Harmony) (S)
>>105242/>>105745 (What Went Wrong) (N)
>>105534/>>105661 (Between the Two of Us, There's No Discord) (S)
>>105763/>>106056 (Ideas Live On 2) (S)
>>105775/>>105782|>>105790 (Fandom-Fic) (N)


Totals:
Nick:12 Seattle:9
Total: 21
>> No. 106115
>>106107
Hi there, will you take my word that the four period ellipsis is more than favored rather than just leaving three hanging? The situation where they are needed is very rare indeed, but saying they are somehow not the matter of fiction is, well, incorrect. Very incorrect.

And yes, ...! isn't use anywhere, even when the sentence does indeed finish with those in whatever you are quoting, because the way the ! works with words and sentences. Same goes for ...—. But that's a discussion for another day.
>> No. 106118
File 133933437367.png - (112.38KB , 325x278 , Perfect Dark President.png )
106118
>>106115
You can't make claims like that without evidence. I ashume you have some?
>> No. 106121
>>106118
A moment, the list is a bit extensive, but, just so that you have something to look at which you will probably have in your house (I'm assuming everyone here is 16-26) look at:

Both English and British versions of all Harry Potter books.

Most versions of the Ender's series.

The Culture, all books (hey, they aren't that old!).

These should be easily found books you should have lying in your house.
>> No. 106123
File 133933751802.png - (349.95KB , 1600x1519 , lyra_with_a_ponytail_by_jennieoo-d529ybg.png )
106123
Just finished my initial edits to this one-shot I've been working on. Is there a word limit to one shots? In any case, this is pretty long (I honestly don't know how it got that way).

Title: Time at the Librarium
Tags: [Normal][Slice-of-Life]
Synopsis: Twilight schedules a field trip for her and her friends to go to the Royal Ancestry Librarium, the counterpart of the Royal Archives. They will be given free access to its vaults, and all of the history pertaining to their family history they would ever need to know will be at their hooftips. All of them are excited, save for one. Rainbow Dash has become cranky for some reason even moreso than usual. Will a few good books cheer her up, or will she forever remain adamant in her refusal to learn?
Word Count: 14,650
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UDsMMzQhvUQ7niJBmJcEFSWrHp-1AMIojRx_lAqx5YQ/edit

Overall, I tried to make this like an actual episode might play out. It was originally just an idea, then I wrote the first hundred words, then I wrote some more, and here it is (ain't it funny how that happens?) I know there are things wrong with it, I'm just failing to see in which areas. Thanks guys!
>> No. 106132
>>106056

>Suddenly pony atlantis

Does it sound out of place? I could move it to the previous chapter, but then I'd be reaching exposition critical mass.

>hyphens are used to link numbers an compounds, Em dashes are used for breaking a sentence or creating an appositive, and there’s no space between them. FTFY-

The issue is that there's no em dash key on my keyboard. So, to get it I either have to copy-paste it in or use an alt-code. Shouldn't be an issue in the future, hopefully, because I've bound it to a macro key now.

>pegasusususes
>… okay, you do this enough for me to wonder if it’s intentional. sup with that?
My mind still thinks 'pegasus' is the correct plural form.


>and then you go on to say it’s from fatigue. This no makey sensical stuffs.

Well, it's similar to being tired. When you're ready to collapse from fatigue the concept of sleep seems pretty welcoming. As for things suddenly turning warm, it's because Sparks is drenched in freezing cold rain, so he's suffering from hypothermia. (Speaking of which, I should probably include some shivering and stuff.) Feeling warm is a symptom of severe hypothermia.

>Yeah, you really need to work on these in conveyance of intensity and drama,

I'm having difficulty understanding what you're trying to say. Could you possibly point to an action sequence done right in this regard?
>> No. 106176
File 133937459985.png - (1.26MB , 680x680 , check the pedigree bitch.png )
106176
>>106115
>will you take my word (for it?)
Um... no. Sorry? Feel free to drop me an email if you'd like to continue this discussion, but you're going to have to bring more to that table against the CMS than Harry Potter.
Thanks for catching the 'pony's' thing though. I don't know what the fuck even....

>>106123
Acknowledged tortoise

>>106132
Dromer response--

>pony atlantis
>Does it sound out of place?
Nah, just the connection I made to the thing.

>symptom(s) of severe hypothermia.
Ahhh, that makes more sense now. Though it probably won’t as it stands to a lot of readers without a mention of that in-text. Why not just allude to hypothermia in the narrative?

>I'm having difficulty understanding what you're trying to say. Could you possibly point to an action sequence done right in this regard?
This is tough to address directly, as it’s largely stylistic. Some general suggestions though, would be to streamline your action sequences as much as possible, if they drag on too long, they lose intensity. Really enunciate the danger and damage, the actions and consequences, and make the reader think your characters are fucking done-for as much as possible. It’s really difficult to properly quantify this, in retrospect. Some people do them well, and otherwise excellent writers can’t do them for shit. Odd thing, that.
>> No. 106307
>>106176
>Ahhh, that makes more sense now. Though it probably won’t as it stands to a lot of readers without a mention of that in-text. Why not just allude to hypothermia in the narrative?

Fixed. I've altered the narrative to keep Sparks under until the end of the chapter. One of the most important things I want to emphasize is the ponies' needs for each other, and having the wimpy professor shrug off hypothermia and overexertion isn't exactly the best way to go about that.

>Some people do them well, and otherwise excellent writers can’t do them for shit
The issue with action scenes is that there's no super-objective way to say 'this is a good action scene' and 'this is a bad action scene', which is why I wanted examples. A lot of good comes from analyzing the common denominators between numerous high quality works, and I wanted to do that for myself.

TL;DR, could I get some examples of particularly good action scenes?
>> No. 106375
File 133952577263.jpg - (101.71KB , 999x647 , Rainbow dash raynor.jpg )
106375
This is chapter 1 of a Sad/Dark/Grim Rainbow Dash story I am attempting to write.

Title: A Rainbow's Wrath
Tags: Sad/Grim/Dark
Synopsis: After all her hard work and dedication, Rainbow Dash's dream to become a Wonderbolt were crushed in a matter of moments. Now she wants revenge on the cause of her misery, the dream itself.
Word Count: 3,203 (Chapter 1)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vBQRW7MEWI36vhCullKfcGvOu84ruyo4MuC57AtjCfs/edit

I had two ideas of how it should continue but I need some pointers on how I would be able to write it without gore. (which is what I originally intended to do)

Another idea I had was that maybe I should completely scrap the idea of getting revenge by pain and torment and switch it to something lighter like "A Prove They're Wrong Thing" kind of thing.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 106381
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106381
>>106375
>Sad/Dark/Grim Rainbow Dash
MINE

Tortoise, FMP, MegaTank, you're all queued as well, no worries.

AN- To the anon who was debating grammar with me, I've moved our discussion to the Grammar General thread.
>> No. 106403
>>106307
Dromer,

This is tough. I've cast about in certain circles and got back minimal replies. Recommendations I got to refer you to for very well-done action scenes are:
Chancing Canterlot
Moonspire Run
FOE
Heart of Glass
Equestria: Total War

And not to be a femoral artery, but I've been told I have a knack for doing them fairly well myself. Chapters 2, 5, 8 and 9 I believe hold the scenes in question.

Now. Reviews.
>> No. 106539
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106539
>>105973

Let’s see what’s going on…

Firstly, be aware you synopsis is misleading, as it implies a first person PoV from Cadance.

You have a systemic issue with awkward word choice and phrasing.

Hyphenate compound descriptors that come before the noun.

>Cadence’s mother’s name is Aria
Bit cheesy there mate. Just my opinion.

Use Em dashes to break off sentences in narration, not hyphens. Same goes for appositives.

Lots and lots of Tell

Extremely underwhelming depiction of a difficult birth.

Heavy on LUS

>I’ve never tasted newborn love before. // You really, REALLY need to rephrase this.

So… Chrysalis actually *felt* Cadance being born due to the “massive amount of love” in/for her? That’s… pretty weak and hella hokey imo. On a lot of levels.

So Chrysalis is the changeling queen, feeds on their love for her, treats them like shit, and EXPLODES them and eats their “blob” remains when she’s displeased. What the fuck man.

>Princess Celestia is powerful, but I didn’t know she could do that!” A third nurse blushed red.
Just what the actual fuck are you implying here?

Multiple dialogue tagging mistakes // EG - “All of you be quiet!” The doctor snarled.

You’re kind of shooting yourself in the foot in trying to establish a tone here. Take the second chapter, when Aria starts to die, and everyone’s flipping out, the doc yells, “Worst timing ever!” At first I think I should be taking the death of Cadance’s mother seriously, then that shit happens, and the scene turns wonky.

>had left his emotions more mixed up then a zap apple smoothie.
Dude. Seriously?

>“‘We?’” Had he misheard the Princess?
Turn this tag fully into a thought, so as to avoid slipping into such casual narration.

Avoid using parenthesis, they look like shit. There’s no reason not to use commas or em dashes, depending on the nature of the appositive.

>“His love… it’s fighting me!” Chrysalis threw up more of the goo.
Im sorry, I just can’t take this seriously. At all. Granted, I have multiple issues with the last episode and the groundwork it played with, so I’m openly admitting a negative bias to the themes and devices you’re working with.


As far as the writing goes, I have to say the whole thing reads pretty damn flat to me, and thus your work emotional tragedy hook for the first chapters is about as sharp as a tire. As far as thematic sequence goes, I found the entire piece predictable—Aria? Gonna die. Willow? Gonna die. Cadance? Tia gonna adopt her.
The single active hook you have, that of Chrysalis an her plots, has so many oddities and holes in it (no pun intended). For instance, you show that Love isn’t their only food. You say that they consume melancholy as well. This opens a HUGE nest of ‘what ifs and why fors’ that you may not want to dive into. Cuz damn. Not to mention that as a matter of such interest, the changeling angle gets comparatively little play. I strongly suggest you switch around the focus for this story—have the changeling thing take the forefront, and the predictable progression with Cadance and her family/upbringing take the background.

That’s… really all I got for this thing. Sorry I wasn’t more helpful.
Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 106544
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106544
>>106375

Right then—blue horse, grim-shit, dark tones… fuck yeah. Let’s do this thing.



>first sentence
>Ever since I was a filly, heck since before I could fly!  I had wanted with all my heart to be a Wonderbolt.
Oh boy. It’s gonna be one o those days… Okay, the above thing is wrong. Bad wrong. You’re going for an appositive structure. Do it like this-
>Ever since I was a filly(—)heck(,) since before I could fly(—)I had wanted with all my heart to be a Wonderbolt.
Now why the em dashes instead of commas? Two reasons: 1- Because it’s extra information, and 2) because the necessary comma after ‘heck’ would make it wonky.

>Yeh, I’ve spent many days imagining
Yeh. Yeh? Wtf is ‘yeh’? Going for “Yeah” I imagine? You also seem to have an extraneous space in thar. Yeh.

Oh shit. You’re going for first person past in this thing. Oh boy. I’m sorry, you’re inconsistent as fuck with this. There are too many mistakes to note. OH WAIT, you then switch over to third person…

>My most desirable dream…
This, to me, is hella OOC for Dash. Not the intention obviously, but the phrasing. You do this a lot.

Spell out numbers.

Missing commas! Missing commas everywhere! Also! WAY too many exclamation marks!

Ellipses mistakes… they work… like this…

“Learn to punctuate dialogue tags,” the reviewer begged, his eyes beginning to bleed.

Homophone confusion, atrocious sentence structure, compound hyphen misses, sentence fragments, possessive apostrophe mistakes, onomatopoeia, capslock-for-cool, and I’m done.

DAMNIT. Listen, I really, really like this concept, and I want it to see it pulled off. Mate, you have a LONG way to go in learning how to write, and it’s going to take a lot of practice. I’d love to see you come back having improved. Rework this, do some reading of good fanfics, read a book, read some grammar and style guides an tips online. Practice some more. Keep writing.
Cheers.
>> No. 106559
>>106544
Thanks Seattle for the review. It was a good eye opening experience for me and I learned it's not easy at all to write a story that's amazing. Since I'm just starting out and all I have a lot of room for improvement so I'll take your advice and start practicing more. Once I learn some new tricks I'll come back here and you can have a round 2 with my story. Thanks for everything.
>> No. 106561
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106561
>>106539

>Princess Celestia is powerful, but I didn’t know she could do that!” A third nurse blushed red.
Just what the actual fuck are you implying here?

That is some real great constructive criticism there. No please cuss me out rather than say something like, "This sounds a little off" or "it doesn't match with the tone well." But just flat out insulting me is fine too.

>I’m openly admitting a negative bias to the themes and devices you’re working with.

And you just invalidated your own review. Why should I take anything away from what you've said when you clearly (as if the swearing wasn't a sign already) have a viewpoint that's not even constructive criticism anymore.

I have clearly misjudged your review skills. I came to you for help and you insulted me. You should be ashamed of yourself as a reviewer. Don't give me that "you're just butthurt cause your fic sucks" as you just said, you have a bias, so while my fic is far from perfect, you're in the wrong too.

I'm off to hopefully find some real help now.
>> No. 106564
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106564
>>106561
>Looks at the rest of the thread.
>39 nine instances of the word fuck.
>that instance isn't even talking about you directly.

You... might want to chill, drink a beer or two, try not take everything personally, maybe shag a girl or two as well, and return back when you aren't feeling insulted.
>> No. 106566
>>106561
If you wish for someone to hold your hand and tell you that your fic is the greatest thing ever, I don't think /fic/ is the place to be. It appears you're not looking for a review. You're looking for an ego boost. Might I recommend fanfiction.net?

Seattle just spent a good deal of his time pointing out legitimate flaws in your work so you can improve them, yet you're throwing a tantrum because he didn't like the story and used grown-up words. Way to be, bud.
>> No. 106567
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106567
>>106561
Taking that quote to which seattle replied "Just what the actual fuck are you implying here?" out of context, it looks like you're having some random nurse want to bone Celestia. This nurse being 'the third nurse' is probably only a side character, so that is...

Saying he doesn't like the type of story you wrote doesn't invalidate his review, it means that advice he gives you on story and plot should be taken with a grain of salt. Any advice about grammar, moon logic, or anything not related to the story or plot, should still probably be looked at.
>> No. 106568
>>106567
>>106566
>>106564

Guys please this can turn into a shit storm. I think Seattle is man enough to handle this on his own.
>> No. 106570
>>106568
I personally couldn't care about Seattle, he doesn't need my concern, I am more interested in FMP chilling down, cause he seriously sounds mad for no reason.
>> No. 106572
File 133962470405.png - (387.50KB , 1011x950 , 23481 - artist YoorPorick cyborg pooryorick robot twilight_sparkle.png )
106572
Title: Techno Twilight (Chapter 1)
Tags: [Human][Sci-Fi]
Synopsis: (This needs work, I'll be taking it over to the Synopsis review thread) 100 years have passed on Earth, and Bronyism has taken over the world. Five years ago pony robots have been been distributed to the public. But when a Twilight Sparkle unit wakes up, thinking just like she was actually Twilight Sparkle, she must cope with the fact that she is not really herself from the fabricated world of Equestria.
Word count: 3058

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NZh752OQPOdfRAAGI6R31ydCce1uNqa9TrEIoIfRTSc/edit

Known issues (That I don't know how to fix)
Pacing
Odd sentence structure and story telling
Telling not showing
Slight characterization introduction of Jack and his mother.

I know there's other problems I haven't been able to indentify. That'd be great to know too! Thank you!

Khakis was able to help me shape some of it, but I know it still needs quite a bit of work. It's been ran through auto-reviewer for simple mistakes too, so I'll expect all of the 'What the fuck' coming my way will be about actual problems. Also, title suggestions? I'm unhappy with the title.

I suppose I'll just ask Nick for a review, since Seattle doesn't like me or my human ways :C
>> No. 106574
>>106568
I was trying to bring rationale, which he would probably being more willing to hear from someone who isn't seattle right now.
>> No. 106579
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106579
>>106568

But I already made the image. I apologize for meddling in other people's business in advance.

>>106561

>But just flat out insulting me is fine too.

A swing and a miss!

>And you just invalidated your own review

Strike two, wrong again!

>you're in the wrong too.


And in a stunning display, it's a one-two-three inning!

Seriously though, I read the review and if you took what amounted to a few cusses for emphasis (which, might I add, are in reference to the passage instead of you personally) in a review as personal insult, you need to distance yourself from your work just a tinny bit and release that you are not your work and any off-cuff comments that may or may not include swears are not directed at you. What I find funny is that you're reacting this way to Seattle of all people, where I can guarantee that Nick would have had a lot more "personal insults" in his review. If you couldn't tell by the air-quotes, I mean swearing.

On the other hand, the post I am writing which is directed at you sees your reaction as overblown, dramatic, and unwarranted, which reflects negatively on you as a writer and a person.

Read the goddamn OP.

>Seattle: Yeah, neither of us is much the cuddly type, so if you’ve an aversion to acerbic wit, brutal honesty, and critical analysis... well, this may not be the thread for you.
>> No. 106580
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106580
>>106574
Ooo I love Shitstorms!

Whatever Seattle has to say will probably have more power, instead of just someone else trying to bring rationale into a situation that they aren't even a part of. It's like when a kid breaks up a fight between two people in the hallway, yet the actual conflict is still present and one kid gets ran over the next day. (Was that only my highschool?) Involving more people than necessary creates shitstorms.
>> No. 106589
>>106561
>Ignores help from one of the top ten reviewers on /fic/
>"I'll go find some real help, now."
Looks like that's another author for the blacklist, then.
>> No. 106594
>>106579
Well, I've messed up hard. I just take it hard when the story itself is called into question. Grammar I can understand. It's just stuff like
>So Chrysalis is the changeling queen, feeds on their love for her, treats them like shit, and EXPLODES them and eats their “blob” remains when she’s displeased. What the fuck man.

Chrysalis is a villain who wanted to drain a future husband of all her love and toyed with Twilight about. She was a pretty cruel character in the show. I just wanted to show what happens when she's emotional.

>For instance, you show that Love isn’t their only food
I imagine other emotions as flavoring to love. (ex. Rage= Spicy)

>“His love… it’s fighting me!” Chrysalis threw up more of the goo. Im sorry, I just can’t take this seriously. At all.
Why? Love has been weaponized in the show.

>>had left his emotions more mixed up then a zap apple smoothie. Dude. Seriously?
Seriously what? Does it not fit? Just saying "Dude. Seriously?" Isn't much help.
>> No. 106642
>>106594
>>>“His love… it’s fighting me!” Chrysalis threw up more of the goo.
>>Im sorry, I just can’t take this seriously. At all.
>Why? Love has been weaponized in the show.

>>>had left his emotions more mixed up then a zap apple smoothie.
>>Dude. Seriously?
>Seriously what? Does it not fit? Just saying "Dude. Seriously?" Isn't much help.

If your story takes itself seriously, you should avoid phrasing like this. Both of these quotes have a ridiculously silly manner of attempting to describe fairly serious events. In short: they're hammy. Cliche. Narmy. Hard to read with a straight face.
>> No. 106646
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106646
>>106594
If I may intrude, I'd just like to give my opinion on this because I feel you could use some further explanation.

>“His love… it’s fighting me!” Chrysalis threw up more of the goo.

Just IMAGINE this scene going on. Now forget how you imagined it before because of the fact that you wrote it and try to imagine it in the most cheesy way you can. This is how I read this. The line 'His love... It's fighting me!' just reads very cheesily. It's hard to describe, really.

>had left his emotions more mixed up then a zap apple smoothie.
This is a dumb comparison, 1, and 2, it most likely has nothing to do with the context. than* by the way. The comparison probably isn't even needed in this. You could have just said his emotions were conflicted (Or preferably just show us that.)

>Chrysalis is a villain who wanted to drain a future husband of all her love and toyed with Twilight about. She was a pretty cruel character in the show. I just wanted to show what happens when she's emotional.

Yeah, but it's like... EXPLODING them and then eating the goo that comes from them. I don't think he's saying that it's necessarily wrong, but it's truly like 'what the fuck?'

>I imagine other emotions as flavoring to love. (ex. Rage= Spicy)
I don't think so, personally. Either other emotions would have to be a different type of food or it's not food at all. Love is just an emotion like any other emotion (Leaving all philosophical principles behind and just trying to put physical traits to it) so why are things just flavoring to love? What if a character didn't love anyone? Would Changelings not be able to use their other emotions?
>> No. 106681
>>106642
>>106646
Thank you. That points out the issues much more. Now that I have something detailed to work with I can actually improve my story.
>> No. 106687
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106687
>long day, fucking sucked
>get home: Yay pone time

Okay, what the fuck happened here.

First thing first I guess—blablack
>>106559
>I learned it's not easy at all to write a story that's amazing.
You. I love you for this response. You got this thing man.


Ummm. Right. Drama. Awesome. Well… first thing that sticks out-
>>106570
>I personally couldn't care about Seattle, he doesn't need my concern,
While that may be true an all, ouch man. You wouldn’t happen to be that anon from a recent grammar debate would ya?

>>106579
Aaaaaand thank you Cass for that awesome inning play-by!
>Seriously though, read the goddamn OP
Yeah, that’s seriously a good idea.


Now for the main act. FMP.
Judging by >>106594 I’m hoping you’ve chilled out enough to realize the ‘what the actual fuck’ comment was, in fact, not a personal slur.
>I just take it hard when the story itself is called into question. Grammar I can understand.
You don’t seem to have a grasp on what we actually DO here. Some reviewers focus almost exclusively on grammatical improvement, others on thematic conception, and most are somewhere in between. Each have their specialities and failings (which by the way, I’ve got an extensive file on *yeah, I’m lookin’ at you :P *)
In any case, now that you’ve actually got your head on about NOT having been cursed at (zomg btw) allow me to retort.

Grammatical issues aside, we’re dealing with major failings in the way you’re approaching your story. You want something to be serious? Write serious. Fill in the gaps, convey the depth of emotion, get a tight reign on your reader’s suspension of disbelief. I’m sorry you seem to be incapable of recognizing when what you take seriously comes off as… well, cheesy as all hell to a reader. I just happen to be a reader who will tell you what I’m talking about. Your metaphors are weak and nonsensical, your portrayal of tragedy is exceptionally poor, your characterization of a big-bad villain is kinda laughable, your emotional tones have all the depth of a paper plate, and you have a tendency for love affairs with weak devices.

Now. Did you take that personally? Hard not to, right? Welcome to writing. Grow some thicker skin, dust your keyboard off, and go back to work. Get better.

One of the more serious thematic pitfalls you’re work steps into, which imo would take FAR more effort to address than it’s worth, is something Hugbox actually begins to bring up above-
>Either other emotions would have to be a different type of food or it's not food at all. Love is just an emotion like any other emotion (Leaving all philosophical principles behind and just trying to put physical traits to it) so why are things just flavoring to love? What if a character didn't love anyone? Would Changelings not be able to use their other emotions?
THIS is the can o worms I was referring to when I mentioned you’d have problems with that device, by the by.

Anyhow, this has been fun, but we’ve all put more than enough time into this matter. Cheers FMP, keep writing.
>> No. 106726
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106726
Another Story for your consideration

I have sent this through several other reviewers on this site, and it has finally been fine tuned enough that I saw fit to send it to EQD, who promptly responded with:
>Thanks for your submission, but this contains too many basic errors to be forwarded to the pre-readers. There's way too much telling in the introduction; dumping loads of exposition on us will not make us care about your OC ponies. Also, look this over for proper use of possessive nouns, capitalization, and consistent formatting (indentation and the like).

I thought I had fixed those but apparently not.
I ask for your assistance with this.

Title: A Special Mare
Tags: [Sad]
Synopsis: Ditzy Doo is a special filly, but when a tragic accident forces her to reinvent her entire life, she will never be the same pony again.
Word Count: 11070
Link: http://derpy.me/aspecialmare
>> No. 106728
>>106726
It should be noted that the link I sent to EQD was the Fimfiction one http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29817/A-Special-Mare which has a word count of 11,217 for some reason. The only real difference is the formatting.
>> No. 106776
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106776
>>106726
Minj.
>>106572
Box.

Are you guys sure about this? You know how we operate ITT, and you guys are like the new kids on the block. I'd hate for one of you to take a negative review hard enough to tint your work on the board as budding reviewers. Conversely, Nick an I won't let that effect our consideration of your work either, so... Again, are you sure you want reviews?
>> No. 106780
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106780
>>106776
I had this reviewed by Minty, AzuNyan, I-Post-Ponies, and KhakisPony, I also left it on beta on Fanfiction.com for a while, and I've had every friend I know who's willing look at it, it's been proofread countless times, and EQD was still able to find fault with it. If anyone can help me fix it it's you.

That's a big yes.
>> No. 106788
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106788
>>106776
When you think about it, two of the oldest members of this community, are about to review two of the youngest members. It kind of feels like an initiation of sorts. Bring on the hate.
>> No. 106789
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106789
>>106776
This is implying that just because we are new reviewers we aren't able to take a good review and that our compositions are weak. Yes, we're sure.

Geez, it's like walking into a slaughterhouse.

>Pic for the lighthearted funnies.

I've read your guy's reviews and I've gotten tough ones before from people like Dublio.
I EXPECT Nick to give me a bunch of 'What the fuck is this?', as it seems to be his style. How hard you hit on my writing skills won't affect my reviewing skills. But thank you for your concern.

>>106788
Noooo you're thinking about initiations all wrong. Those are just built for the older memebers to get a laugh off of the newer ones by making them wear dresses
>> No. 106804
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106804
>>106789
Simmer down squirt, it ain't like that. Well... okay, it sorta is, but it's no insult that I wanted to ask. If it was, I'd have insulted you directly. Nopony makes my inferences for me :P
Anyhow, you're headstrong, and I like that, but as you observe, Nick's got your story. I don't do that Hyu-maan stuff, so... heh, best of luck with that. You better hope he's had his payday and mt dew today.

>>106780>I had this reviewed by Minty, AzuNyan, I-Post-Ponies, and KhakisPony, I also left it on beta on Fanfiction.com for a while, and I've had every friend I know who's willing look at it, it's been proofread countless times, and EQD was still able to find fault with it. If anyone can help me fix it it's you.
Well THAT’S a fkn challenge if I ever heard one. *cracks knuckles* Allllll right, let’s see what we got here, and this is essentially SoC, so dinna get offended if it gets a bit crass at times; I’m just classy like that.

Comma placement before a proper address in dialogue.

>woulda
An colloquial contraction of ‘would have/would of’ and so should be “would’a”

Info dump about Derpy’s parents. Not engaging. Wall o text talking heads.

No spaces between Em dashes

So wait, first Derpy thinks of Al as “daddy”, then as “Big Al”? You really need to watch slipping into casual narration, and clearly delineate formal/objective from casual. I’d advise against switching between them within clear stylus breaks. THIS IS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM SO FAR.

Structure this-
>Her mouth watered and she wriggled with excitement as she stared down at all the sugary sweets. Lollipops, candied apples, candy canes, gumdrops, cupcakes, and on the side were some nice big muffins.
Like this-
>Her mouth watered and she wriggled with excitement as she stared down at all the sugary sweets (on the shelves): lollipops, candied apples, candy canes, gumdrops, cupcakes, and on the side were some nice big muffins.
Note I added “on the shelves” to ensure the main clause is complete, though it’s not really 100% necessary. I think. I hate colons. And I just had some gin, so the previous remark just made me chuckle.

Scenic exposition could really use some work. Take the first paragraph of chapter two-
>slamming straight into the tree.
What tree? Where the hell is she? What’s around her? Is she in a park? What’s she reclining on—grass or gravel? All I know is that she’s somewhere in town by a sweetshop (maybe), and a tree just assaulted her.

The sense of time is also wonky. Like, in ch 1, you take us through her mail route, then to the post office, then to the sweet-shop (interlude of mugging by a presumed coniferous suspect) and then suddenly it’s “the first day of school”. What. This fucks with me because I’m either assuming 1) school starts in the afternoon, or 2) those bubbles have crack in them and she’s been going since before the sun came up.

You flirt with sentences that make me squint at them like they *read* like run-ons… but aren’t really, but are still bad.
>She was so excited when she got to school that she tripped over her own hooves when she ran through the door to her classroom.
Check it (this is just one way to go about streamlining)-
>She was so excited that, when she finally got to school, she tripped over her own hooves and tumbled right through the door of the classroom.

>she can't even stand on her own hooves." One colt called out.
I do believe this should be tagged as dialogue. Otherwise the followup is a fragment and nonsensical.
>she can't even stand on her own hooves,” one colt called out.

Suddenly you remind me why all kids are little shits, and that I’m pleased to have evaded that bear-trap.
Oh. Wait. No, actually, what you’re doing is trying too hard to establish sympathy from the reader for your main character! Up to this point, she’s received nothing but kindness from everypony she meets, and suddenly you drop an ocean of unmitigated hate onto her. Kinda even this out a bit, or it becomes too obvious.
Aaaaand suddenly Pinkie Pie… I *guess* this doesn’t feel too contrived…

>Ditzy turned to see a small pink filly with curled pink poofy hair standing next to her, staring defiantly at the class.
Easy on the stacked descriptors (they need comma-love too), an this structuring makes me squinty eyed again. No sir, I dinna like it. PS, this is bloody systemic.

As you go on, you begin to embrace both failures of missing commas when apropos, and comma splices (anti-apropos). Looksee-
>Those fillies were so mean, she wasn’t stupid. A little clumsy maybe but she had always been like that.
You do this more and more as we go on, to such an extent that I’m not going to greentext them anymore. Find and destroy. Ammunition: Full stop periods, Em dashes, and semicolons. Go get em kid.

>Watching the bubbles allowed her to relax
Suddenly passive? Whyfor? I might be wrong here, but this strikes me as odd.

>Had she? She hadn’t noticed the time pass.
I get your dilemma here, but this is not the solution. Nowhere else does she think about herself in third person (okay, she does later on and it’s still a problem), but you need to avoid casual narration. What do? Why, pick one of course. Thought, or narrative. Your call.

You have a serious issue with overall structuring. It’s like you sometimes indent, and other times you just forget, or aren’t sure if you should. The result is a mishmash of text and dialogue that occasionally resembles a brick. Throw the whole thing in a G-doc and indent it. Play with structuring-for-effect from there.

>sometime.” Pinkie Pie said
DARP

>"See, there's a smile." Pinkie Pie said,
and then again right after this.
I’m now actively contemplating posting scootabuse.jpg with this review

Use Em dashes for sentence breaks and appositives, not hyphens.

>Ditzy had, after all, gotten to school very late.
And finally my extended wtf moment has been soothed. After half the chapter.

You’ve already at this point properly introduced Pinkie. There’s no excuse for such heavy LUS with her or the other prominent characters.

Ch 2 is really heavy on missed closing punctuation.

>looks like it’s gonna rain,” Pinkie said, “Good thing
Yup. Postin’ scootabuse pic.

Generally keep character thoughts in a progressive tense. Having them in passive past and sometimes third person is really fucking about with immersion and relation to your character.

>Unable to contain her joy, she out a squeal of delight
Did she now. Interesting.

Another thing you do a lot-
>he took off and flew away from the ground
>from the ground
This is redundant, as we already have “flew” and “away”. Add in the fact that he was just standing in the mud, and it’s already solid. Redundancy in systems=awesome. Redundancy in narration=noooooo.

>large dark brown Pegasus,
suddenly you decide to capitalize pegasus?

>Alphonse Mailek
Yes, that’s exactly what makes me think “pony”. Right there. Alphonse “M-fkn” Mailek.

I strongly recommend using a stylus break for flashbacks.

>“How bad is it?” he asked “her memory loss,
We just can’t go on like this, you do realize.

Having rolled in up to chapter four, I believe a cursory glance at the above will illustrate why you were rejected automatically by EQD (the bastards). Shape this up, and kick your friends in the shin. I’m *almost* interested enough to continue to the fourth chapter, as shit finally seems to be going down, but I’ve just talked myself down from posting scootabuse with this thing, so I’ll hold off till you get the work done. Yes, that is an invitation to resubmit, but use it wisely, or there shall be no end to my scorn. JK son, JK.

Cheers mate, keep writing!
>> No. 106809
File 133972138392.jpg - (38.10KB , 500x500 , 133971222995.jpg )
106809
>>106804
Oh, I know you didn't mean it as an insult or to put us down. Just have a little more faith in us.

Or don't.

Personally to me the more hard hitting the better. Might as well smash away all of the crap early off. The problem is knowing what to do when you've identified the problems, which I can't seem to do. THAT'S what I'm most scared of, not knowing how to fix a problem once it's introduced to you.
>> No. 106811
File 133972216352.jpg - (126.38KB , 954x656 , maybe next time.jpg )
106811
>>106809
>THAT'S what I'm most scared of, not knowing how to fix a problem once it's introduced to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSS5dEeMX64

PRACTICE
>> No. 106812
File 133972231209.jpg - (3.44KB , 125x125 , 133969466565.jpg )
106812
>>106811
Listened to that too many times to count, and I know practice, but that's harder then actually taking a review. I've never been afraid of a reviewer, I've always been afraid of not knowing how to fix a problem they identify.
>> No. 106829
File 133972821678.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
106829
>>105885
Plot Summary
Rainbow Dash finishes reading the last story in the Daring Do series, is bummed out that she's not going to read the next book because she's got to wait for it to be written, then there's a mysterious criminal in town Nicknack eyes the lever who's betrothed against her will Nicknack flips the plexiglass covering up who's the author of the Daring Do stories Nicknack pulls the lever: ABANDON FIC!!!

Critiques
ALL RIGHT, I'VE ONLY GOT ABOUT FORTY-THREE SECONDS BEFORE I HIT THE TARGET ALTITUDE FOR MY PARACHUTE, SO I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS QUICK. YOUR WRITING STYLE WAS GENERALLY OKAY; A LITTLE TELLY / BLAND IN PLACES, BUT NOTHING TO GET TOO WORKED UP ABOUT. MY MAIN CONCERN ON THIS FRONT WAS THAT YOU SEEMED TO FALL INTO "TALKING HEADS" A LITTLE, DESPITE SOME OF YOUR EFFORTS IN PLACES TO STOP IT. I'D FOCUS ON THE SCENERY AND THE EVENTS OUTSIDE OF THE DIALOGUE A LITTLE MORE, TO MAKE THIS STORY FEEL A LITTLE MORE ORGANIC.

NEXT, I'M NOT EXACTLY BUYING A PATRIARCHAL EQUESTRIA. THERE AREN'T A LOT OF MALES IN THE SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT EVEN THEN, THE GOVERNMENT AND SOCIETY DOESN'T REALLY FEEL SEXIST ON A "UTAH MORMON" LEVEL WHERE YOU CAN JUST SELL YOUR DAUGHTER INTO MARRIAGE. THIS POINT DRAWS A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF DOUBT AND NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED AS EITHER IMPLAUSIBLE OR HAVE A CHARACTER VOICE THEIR DOUBTS AND THEN DEAL WITH THE SURPRISINGLY SEXIST PLOT DEVICE.

Nicknack takes a hit off the O2 canister and checks the altimeter.

TWENTY SECONDS.

FINALLY, I'M NOT REALLY BUYING THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT A PEN NAME IS IN EQUESTRIA, AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT BUYING THAT THE AUTHOR OF DASH'S FAVORITE BOOKS HAPPENS TO BE ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW. IT SEEMS LIKE A MASSIVE COINCIDENCE THAT DASH WOULD MEET THE AUTHOR IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT TO HAVE HER THE SUBJECT OF A MAN-HUNT THROUGHOUT ALL OF PONYVILLE? TO HAVE HER AS THE SUBJECT OF AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLOT/CONFLICT BESIDES "DASH WANTS HER BOOK BUT NEEDS TO LEARN PATIENCE?"

THAT'S WHERE I BAIL OUT, FRIEND.

Nicknack pulls the ripcord

*GUH*

ANYWAY, I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK ON FIXING THE PLOT OF THIS; ON A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL, IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK AS PLAUSIBLE. MAYBE SEPARATE THE TWO PLOTS OR HAVE A DIFFERENT WAY OF INTERWEAVING DASH WITH HER AUTHOR? MAYBE HAVE THE AUTHOR'S PUBLISHER HAVE THE PROBLEM OR SOMETHING, SO DASH SETS OUT TO HELP? I DUNNO, MAN.

Nicknack pulls out a 1911

BUT I DO KNOW SOME ZIPPERHEADS ARE GOING TO PAY FOR SHOOTING DOWN MY IMAGINARY AIRCRAFT THAT'S NOW THE STORY I'M GOING WITH FOR WHY I'M SKYDIVING.
>> No. 106863
File 133973164746.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
106863
>>106572
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzWSJG93P8

Song unrelated. Or maybe not.
>> No. 106864
>>106863
Depends on your intended purpose.
>> No. 106865
>>106829

Well that was... interesting. I really don't know what to say.

I admit there were some parts of the plot that are contrived, but I think I can fix it.

The opening scene was more about setting the scene and showing Rainbow Dash has advanced as a DD fan more than a plot point in its own right. RD's fanaticism gets addressed more in the second chapter.

The whole father thing was a bit touch and go. I think I can fix that tho. Yeah, the fact the character winds up in PV is convenient, but it wouldn't be nearly as much fun otherwise.

Not sure what I can do about talking heads. I'll try and figure that one out in due course.

Now the review your review:

I didn't like it. At all. The all caps and the general style just made it feel way too apprehensive. It felt far more like you were hating on my fic than trying to improve it. If you really couldn't read it all the way through, I honestly expect a bit more advice on what I should do.

*Rant over*
>> No. 106867
File 133973222765.jpg - (33.72KB , 550x440 , Luna_SUN_I_AM_DISAPPOINT-n1301364081437.jpg )
106867
>>106865
He was just being silly with the capslock. That would have been apparent when he said he was 'skydiving'. I think his review was fine, didn't sound like hating on it. His style is just a bit harsher, but that's fine. He brought up good points and didn't even use the word 'fuck'.
>> No. 106876
File 133973270140.jpg - (23.60KB , 300x248 , I Didn't Get Shot Down for This Shit.jpg )
106876
>>106865
If I wanted to hate on your story, I would've mentioned that the only way I could physically bear to get through what was otherwise going to be an incredibly arduous review of a cliche-ridden bore-fest was to imagine something exciting was happening.
>> No. 106880
File 133973294470.jpg - (50.95KB , 500x577 , 1292439609597.jpg )
106880
>>105387
>>106123
Azure-spark, Tortoise, you haven't been forgotten; we just have a thing going on atm. Order shall be restored shortly.
>> No. 106881
File 133973296685.png - (35.03KB , 199x148 , mlfw107_130072973250[1].png )
106881
People should really look through a reviewer's thread first, and make sure they like the reviewer's style before submitting. Scathing is sorta the modus operandi in this thread. Personally, I love these guys; if I ever finish my Trixie oneshot don't hold your breath, it's coming here, first thing.
>> No. 106890
File 133973426603.gif - (798.32KB , 245x300 , 1339732010176.gif )
106890
>>106880
Without anything to go with, it was pretty hard to resist making a gay sex joke. Wait.
>> No. 106893
File 133973461619.jpg - (34.52KB , 400x305 , 422784_355649114477821_254620607914006_1054273_1096651348_n.jpg )
106893
>>106890
>> No. 106897
>>106890
No, we're pretty much hardcore cybering at this point.
>> No. 106916
>>106876

Thanks, I guess...

Even with your supposed "style", what I got still threw me for a loop. In, the end, it still felt like my story was just as bad as most of the other reviews, even sans the profanity.

Maybe I should have gone somewhere else. I still don't have a great deal to do on.
>> No. 106921
File 133973873805.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
106921
>>106572
Plot Summary
Twilight's in the Matrix. Then she wakes up. Then she goes back in. Then she wakes up. Then she's sold as a toy.

Critiques
You've got an interesting concept, but not much else. I mean, literally. The grammar on this is lacking. So is the characterization, dialogue, action, setting, pacing, style, tone, and... all in all, the execution of the concept.

So, where to begin?

The grammar needs a thorough proofreading. You've got misuse of single-quotes quiet, Vimbert, un-centered "break markers" (* * *), and generally, you've got wording and phrasing in your sentences that makes it difficult to understand what exactly is going on:
>Pinkie Pie shoved her face into Twilight’s, despite the fact that she had previously been captivated in her book.
To whom is "she" referring to?

>Twilight motioned to gulp, but none came to her.
What?

Also, you change tenses and perspectives very often in this, which makes it annoying and difficult to follow. Never change tense except for what's said in dialogue. Only change the character whose thoughts and actions are being discussed when you start a new paragraph (similar to dialogue: new person? new paragraph).


As for characterization, you did an adequate job on the main six's voices, but Pinkie's dialogue feels a little flat, as does Twilight. This is partially excusable---partially---because of the circumstances of the story, but really, it's something that you can tighten.

Furthermore, how does borderline-OCD Twilight, who probably couldn't have a bowel movement unless she scheduled it, forget her own birthday? I call bullshit. Pinkie? Sure. She was busy going insane during Party of One. But Twilight's the entirely wrong pony to forget any sort of date.

Also, the four humans in this story might as well be cardboard cutouts named Steve. All of them. Even the mother. School must've sucked, not being able to play in the rain, but also being the only girl named "Steve." Who'd go to prom with a girl named "Steve?"

Same as with what's going on during the dialogue; meaning, you've got to have more of the character's actions and emotions present in this to have any sort of emotional impact (which really, for as clever an idea of this, you're letting it go to waste by writing this story so shallowly).


The setting was probably getting to one of the biggest failings in this piece, in that... I'm not really sure where the "real world" stuff happened. Inside a factory, for sure, but you could've done a lot better with scenery. Ditto on the home that the last scene takes place in.

As for... bronyism... taking over the world... like... what? I mean, that really deserves a bit of explanation inside the story, as it's a little rough to just accept from your synopsis. I mean, it's definitely more than a little bit confusing / absurd that a mother buys a 17-year-old boy a My Little Pony robot. I mean, it's no animal penis-shaped dildo, but still. More explanation on that front is required. About world-wide bronyism, that is.


The pacing of this story is too fast because you don't really take a lot of time to explain or demonstrate anyone's actions, reactions, or emotions in this. Twilight's dream feels flat. The factory feels bland. The birthday party feels bland-er.


Style is a difficult thing to point out directly, however, I will say that you have an annoying penchant for using too many words or too little words to explain a simple concept. You can range from redundant, like
>Twilight took a second to realize the sudden appearance of her eccentric friend, when previously she was alone in her library.

to "not enough," which is mostly the pacing, setting, and other critiques.

Similarly, you've got a very stilted sentence flow in this; ideas are presented in a manner that moves in one direction, but all of the full stops really feel jagged. I advise reading this out loud in order to approximate what I mean, but really, you should work on making your ideas connect to one another better.


Similar to style, tone is something that you're going to have to work on. Right now, this story has an airy tone that something intriguing is going on, but you don't really capitalize on it. Compare the difference between making a reader want to read more of your story because they're enjoying it and making a reader want more from your story because there isn't enough in there to satisfy their desire for what should be there.


All in all, this is an interesting idea, but again, you really seem to stumble out of the gate on principles that are both elementary and advanced. I'm not sure exactly what to recommend that you do to fix this, other than perhaps to read a few style guides and/or try to mimic a few other author's manners of writing.

This isn't "drive me to drinking" terrible, but it definitely proves that you need a lot more practice at writing in order to pull this off in an effective manner.
>> No. 106923
>>106916
>In, the end, it still felt like my story was just as bad as most of the other reviews, even sans the profanity.
This wasn't the worst story I've ever read, but it was far from the best. It was pretty average, all things considered, so... yeah, "just as bad as the other reviews" fits here, but you're the one putting a negative spin on things.
>> No. 106928
File 133974103471.jpg - (9.16KB , 221x228 , happy Twilight.jpg )
106928
>>106921
> To whom is she referring to?

YES I REMEMBER SAYING THE SAME THING. Now I don't half to feel guilty about my review thread. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>> No. 106929
File 133974130137.jpg - (31.72KB , 600x400 , Dont Smoke Crack.jpg )
106929
>>106928
Which brings me to my next point: don't smoke crack.
>> No. 106932
File 133974700244.png - (22.60KB , 114x124 , scootasalute.png )
106932
>>106804
FINALLY, SOME REAL CRITIQUE!

Okay, just had to get that out of my system, you have no idea how much I enjoyed reading that. That image made me chuckle too. Now to your points.

>An colloquial contraction of ‘would have/would of’ and so should be “would’a”
You can do that?! I totally did not know about that one thanks.

>Info dump about Derpy’s parents. Not engaging. Wall o text talking heads.
That one has been the largest pain in my flank since I began writing this, but nopony has been able to figure out what can be done about it. I need to build up her character and give background at the same time, so I wrote it as if from behind Ditzy's eyes, trying to pass it off as her thoughts. If you have a suggestion, please share.

>No spaces between Em dashes
I fucking hate em dashes. I never learned about them in high school, and have absolutely no idea how to properly use them. *sigh* I'll do some research and see what I can do.

>So wait, first Derpy thinks of Al as “daddy”, then as “Big Al”?
Whoops, I didn't realize I was doing that, thanks.
>You really need to watch slipping into casual narration, and clearly delineate formal/objective from casual.
That one I actually don't understand. What do you mean by casual narration, or formal objective? I guess I should look those terms up, but I've never heard them before.
> I’d advise against switching between them within clear stylus breaks. THIS IS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM SO FAR.
The stylus breaks? Do you have a suggestion on how to switch characters? I had tried just smoothly blending them at first, but I couldn't get it right, so somepony told me I should just use a scene break.

>What tree? Where the hell is she? What’s around her? Is she in a park? What’s she reclining on—grass or gravel? All I know is that she’s somewhere in town by a sweetshop (maybe), and a tree just assaulted her.
Wait, really? I thought I'd covered that.
Sitting down beneath her favorite tree by the pond, she ripped open the bag and looked between the three round muffins before her.
Is that not clear enough?

>then suddenly it’s “the first day of school”. What. This fucks with me because I’m either assuming 1) school starts in the afternoon, or 2) those bubbles have crack in them and she’s been going since before the sun came up.
That one's another big pain in my flank. I had tried to show that she delivers the mail in the early morning, and it's a late school anyway, but I guess I failed on that regard. Got a suggestion for how to fix that, or is that just up to me? It's gonna be up to me isn't it? *sigh* Yeah, that's what I figured. I'll work on it.

>Up to this point, she’s received nothing but kindness from everypony she meets, and suddenly you drop an ocean of unmitigated hate onto her. Kinda even this out a bit, or it becomes too obvious.
That's actually good to know. The name-calling becomes very important almost immediately, and later on in the story. I'll work on it, but that scene is honestly a near perfect rendition of my own childhood, so I thought it would work.

PS, this is bloody systemic.
You say that like it's a bad thing. Is that a bad thing? I'm glad you found something wrong here because I couldn't.

>Find and destroy. Ammunition: Full stop periods, Em dashes, and semicolons. Go get em kid.
Yikes! I thought I'd wiped those all out. Back to the proofreaders I guess.

>Suddenly passive? Whyfor? I might be wrong here, but this strikes me as odd.
Well because I have to explain it, that means I failed on demonstrating its purpose. *sigh* This is a very important plot device. Its purpose is not only to reestablish her adoration of bubbles, but to demonstrate her technique of relaxing, and forgetting her troubles. I mentioned I had a similar childhood to what I'm describing here. I had to find a way to release stress and anger that built up from so many insults, and I used to find a quiet spot in the woods and just gaze up at the clouds. This is basically what she's doing here, but it becomes a part of who she is as well.

>Nowhere else does she think about herself in third person (okay, she does later on and it’s still a problem), but you need to avoid casual narration. What do? Why, pick one of course. Thought, or narrative. Your call.
I thought the italics made it clear that this was her thoughts. I guess I should have mentioned, I have a thing for writing thoughts in third person, it's a style choice I like to use. It adds a certain element to the reading that I can't quite put my hoof on, but that I enjoy immensely.

>Throw the whole thing in a G-doc and indent it. Play with structuring-for-effect from there.
Hehe, funny you should mention that. I originally put this on a G-doc, but the indentation on there refused to cooperate, and I got so frustrated with it I just decided to slap it on after I threw it on Fimfiction. Sloppy I know, I should be ashamed, but that's what happened.

>Use Em dashes for sentence breaks and appositives, not hyphens.
Good to know. Thanks a bunch High School English teachers; this shit would have been nice to know way back when.

>There’s no excuse for such heavy LUS with her or the other prominent characters.
LUS you say? Where? I can only see one instance:
she got about five paces before she was stopped by her pink filly friend.
I thought this could be allowed here as a type of prose, since it is a one-time offense. I do see that capitalization error by the way. I'm going to fix that.

>>Unable to contain her joy, she out a squeal of delight
>Did she now. Interesting.
Is that supposed to be sarcasm? I needed to draw out the scene, and this was the only way I could think of to do it.

>suddenly you decide to capitalize pegasus?
Ha-ha I forgot about that. Yeah you can blame MS Word for auto-correcting that; It thinks pegasus is a name.

>Yes, that’s exactly what makes me think “pony”. Right there. Alphonse “M-fkn” Mailek.
Too much? *sigh* Nopony was going to notice that joke anyway, I'll try to find a better name, but I'm keeping Alphonse; I like it.

>I strongly recommend using a stylus break for flashbacks.
You got it chief. *salute*

And once again I am very pleased that I decided to come to you with this. This sort of backhanded critique is exactly what I've been looking for my entire writing life. I only wish those idiots on Fanfiction were this harsh.
>> No. 106940
This got a review from Kurbz. Prior to that it had been through three random pick-up reviewers, Neitzche, and Golden Vision.

Golden Vision loved it. Kurbz and Lunar hated it.

This is currently in what I think is a very polished form, but it already was when it enraged Kurbz. Then again, half his edits were incorrect applications of the idea of "show vs tell" or just opinionated slamming on questionable ideas of mine; I started working on his edits but gave up due to a combination of google docs freezing for a solid minute every time I tried to resolve a comment, plus the incredible effort of sorting through which of his edits I wanted to go with.

I want it to go through another "hardcore" review. Seems like you guys will be the ones to give it that.

Title: The Sixth Age
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Sci-fi
Synopsis: Magic returns to the world after a thousand-year sleep. Six little ponies awaken to an ancient destiny.

Word count: 5600

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IYXG3gYeiY24hbGd-SxWyFORhVeUm33jRqNVoBYG53Y/edit

Thanks in advance for your good work.
>> No. 106946
File 133975868884.jpg - (42.62KB , 687x384 , 132619922357.jpg )
106946
>>106932
>
>Info dump about Derpy’s parents. Not engaging. Wall o text talking heads.
That one has been the largest pain in my flank since I began writing this, but nopony has been able to figure out what can be done about it. I need to build up her character and give background at the same time, so I wrote it as if from behind Ditzy's eyes, trying to pass it off as her thoughts. If you have a suggestion, please share.

Oops. My brain got lost there for a minute; I forgot it was a reference to the part about her parents, and not the rest of the intro. I still don't know how to fix that though.
>> No. 106952
>>106923

Once again, you've thrown what I've said back at me without actually helping. Fine I'll go somewhere else.

*Grumbles...* TG has better turnarounds than this...
>> No. 106954
>>106952
If you're going to bitch about how your review was given, then please do.

I gave valid criticism of how I didn't like how contrived your story was, and all you've done since then is complain that I wasn't acting like a tsundre little doormat going, "Uh... Mr. Author... if you don't mind... I think you might want to... look at your plot a little. JUST A LITTLE, THOUGH!"

Fuck that.
>> No. 106956
>>106954

I'm not complaining, I'm just disappointed is all.

If you actually paid attention, I don't really care how you did your review, that was more of a snap reaction. All I wanted was a bit more help about what to do, but apparently I'm at the wrong place.

With that, I too am just about done here.
>> No. 106960
>>106956
>I admit there were some parts of the plot that are contrived, but I think I can fix it.
Was the main problem with this story. Talking heads, you can add body language and interactions with the scenery, but ridiculous coincidences make your story feel far more "fake" than a minor stylistic point does.

But you say you have an idea how to fix that, so I don't know what you're complaining disappointed about.
>> No. 106974
>>106954
Tsundere doormat Nick would be best Nick.
>> No. 106981
File 133977726220.jpg - (38.10KB , 500x500 , 133971222995.jpg )
106981
>>106921
Hey, thanks a lot for the review! I didn't realize it needed so much work, but the more the better, I suppose. I was wondering if you could clarify on a few topics however to help me further understand the issues.
Also, I've never seen the Matrix. Maybe I should finally watch it. My mother never let me watch it when I was younger. I'm 16 now, I don't think she'll put up a fuss. Hopefully. Mormons.

>>Twilight motioned to gulp, but none came to her.
>What?
The intention of the times where I say things like 'she gulped, but nothing came' or such that refers to body motions are supposed to imply things about her mechanical body and how, as she acts like her canonical self with organs and all, but it's just motions with her body. Is this an issue of odd wording of this, or will a reader not understand this concept just by saying these lines?

>Also, you change tenses and perspectives very often in this, which makes it annoying and difficult to follow.
I was wondering if you could give me a specific example

>but Pinkie's dialogue feels a little flat,
Is this in the dream with the birthday or in the factory? Because it was intended to be flat outside of the dream. I'm supposing the problem is that it's just not entertaining enough?

>Who'd go to prom with a girl named "Steve?"
Depends on her personality.

>As for... bronyism... taking over the world... like... what?
I have an entire theory (I don't just make random shit up without some sort of explanation just because it's cool) that I span in detail sometime during the course of the story, but is it just too vague at the current time? Do I need to put some sort of explanation in to keep the reader from going 'The fuck is going on here?' The problem I have is trying not to give too much away at first so the reader learns about the world during the story, but I can understand if things are just too vague to begin with.

Sorry about all of the questions, I'm just trying to understand.

>>106928
Ohyou.
>> No. 106992
File 133978216779.png - (257.64KB , 640x610 , 188905 - artist smittyG Daring_Do plushie rainbow_dash.png )
106992
>>106932
Y’know, it’s possible some of your confusion comes from the fact that I reviewed the fimfic work. Of course I’m going to look through the same stuff you sent to eqd, how else would I be able to give you insight on why they rejected you? (the bastards)
For instance, the tree issue. In the Fimfic work, ch2, 1st paragraph, reads-
>After eating the other two muffins, she lay back and blew the rest of her bubbles out through the little toy the kind unicorn had given her. Realizing what time it was, she got up and turned to head back home, slamming straight into the tree. She shook her head to clear the dizziness, and continued on back toward the house.
>Sitting down beneath her favorite tree by the pond
>Is this not clear enough?
It would have been a bit better, if it had been there.


>Info dump about Derpy’s parents. Not engaging. Wall o text talking heads.
>That one has been the largest pain in my flank since I began writing this, but nopony has been able to figure out what can be done about it. I need to build up her character and give background at the same time, so I wrote it as if from behind Ditzy's eyes, trying to pass it off as her thoughts. If you have a suggestion, please share.
Okay. Streamline it. Break it up and segue the info in dialogue that takes place between actions. Break it up, keep some details with Al, some with the other mailguy, give some to the candy pony. Hell, have Cheerilie and the nurse make a couple poignant observations. There, all of your information is transferred, it’s not a brick, allows for character development, and actually moves the plot.

> I fucking hate em dashes
Noooooooo. You must LOVE the Em dash. It’s quite possibly the single most dynamic mark in a writer’s arsenal.

>Casual narration / Objective narration
Okay, look here.
>The place was called Sugar Cube Corner, and it had the tastiest goodies.
The first sentence? Casual narration. Why? Because you, the writer, are slipping in your character’s vernacular and perspective into the narration itself with “tastiest goodies”.
> She could hardly contain her excitement as she raced along down the street.
Appropriate narration; it’s objective and explanatory.
>She gobbled up the yummy muffin happily.
Skirting casual.
See?


>LUS
>One instance.
Heh, no.
>The big pegasus (Al)
>small pink filly with curled pink poofy
>by her pink filly friend
And I’d have sworn I’d seen half a dozen more “the pink filly”’s lodged in this thing last I looked.


Thoughts—1st person present and 3rd person past.
>Three? She had only paid for two. (3rd)
Should be
>Three? But I only paid for two. (1st)
--
>Who was that filly talking to? That wasn’t her name. (3rd)
Should be
>Who is that filly talking to? That’s not my name. (1st)
See the issue? People (pony’s) don’t think in the third person naturally. It’s in their head. If it’s third person, it’s ABOUT them (or another character, which would be okay), not FROM them, as a thought should be.
This issue also lends to the confusion regarding casual narration.

>>Unable to contain her joy, she out a squeal of delight
>Did she now. Interesting.
>Is that supposed to be sarcasm? I needed to draw out the scene, and this was the only way I could think of to do it.
You really don’t see it, do you? Look harder.
>she out a squeal of delight

>Switch to passive
No, that works then, if you’re working for the impression to take precedence. Is good.

>Do you have a suggestion on how to switch characters?
Make it definitive, their reactions, thoughts, words and perspective clearly unique to one another.

>god I hate mornings
Oh, an you're quite welcome; no worries.
>> No. 106994
File 133978463140.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
106994
>>106992
>Y’know, it’s possible some of your confusion comes from the fact that I reviewed the fimfic work.
The Fimfiction and G-doc both read exactly the same; the only difference is that the G-doc isn't indented.

>It would have been a bit better, if it had been there.
But... it is there... in the first chapter.
End of chapter one:
>She couldn't wait to devour them, and ran as fast as she could to the park, where she would enjoy her goodies like she did every week. Sitting down beneath her favorite tree by the pond, she ripped open the bag and looked between the three round muffins before her. Three? She had only paid for two. She decided not to worry about it and selected the one with the blueberries in it. It was delicious, so soft and bubbly on the inside, the little pockets of air inside the muffin tickled her tongue as she chewed. The blueberries were so moist and juicy. She gobbled up the yummy muffin happily.
>Sitting down beneath her favorite tree by the pond
Beginning of chapter two:
>After eating the other two muffins, she lay back and blew the rest of her bubbles out through the little toy the kind unicorn had given her. Realizing what time it was, she got up and turned to head back home, slamming straight into the tree. She shook her head to clear the dizziness, and continued on back toward the house.
>she got up and turned to head back home, slamming straight into the tree
Are you saying the reader isn't smart enough to remember that, or that I've drawn it out too far for them to be expected to remember? I don't mean to be difficult but neither of those seems likely to be the case.

>Noooooooo. You must LOVE the Em dash.
I only hate them because I don't understand how to use them , many thanks to my High School for not teaching about them . I'm sure you hated tying your shoes when you were first learning.

>Casual narration / Objective narration
>See?
I do see. Many thanks.

>LUS
>One instance.
>Heh, no.
I was referring to the scene in question, where you mentioned that Pinkie had been established. After that I continue to use Pinkie's name until the accident. The other instances - which do exist; you're not crazy - were before Ditzy learned Pinkie's name, so I had deemed them necessary.

>People (pony’s) don’t think in the third person naturally. It’s in their head. If it’s third person, it’s ABOUT them (or another character, which would be okay), not FROM them, as a thought should be.
This is probably the one issue where I'm going to stick to my guns, and be very stubborn about it. I know it looks weird, but I assure you it's not a rookie mistake. It's an intentional style choice that I will not be swayed from.

>You really don’t see it, do you? Look harder.
I will be honest; I did not see it at all. Thanks for that.

I hope you're enjoying this back and forth as much as I am. This is invaluable.
>> No. 107002
>>106921
>>106981
Haven't read the fic, but I thought I'd offer my two cents on this one point that may give you an idea on how to fix it.
> Furthermore, how does borderline-OCD Twilight, who probably couldn't have a bowel movement unless she scheduled it, forget her own birthday? I call bullshit. Pinkie? Sure. She was busy going insane during Party of One. But Twilight's the entirely wrong pony to forget any sort of date.
I can picture her forgetting her own birthday if she goes on some sort of binge of OCD related fretting. If you manage to incorporate her panicking ala the season 2 time travel episode, I can picture her getting caught up in something and forgetting her own birthday.
>> No. 107009
>>107002
In that context it's possible, but in the context I presented in my story Nick is absolutely correct and it was a detail I hadn't paid much attention to. The problem is I have Twilight was just relaxing, reading a book.
>> No. 107020
>>106994
>But... it is there... in the first chapter.
Consider this a good reason not to have a chapter break right in the middle of a scene.

>It's an intentional style choice that I will not be swayed from.
Your call there mate, but I say it’s a bad one.

>This is invaluable.
daww, go on.
>> No. 107036
>>106960

Yeah, an idea. Nothing for certain. I wanted to know what you thought would work best. To be honest I've done too much work on this to completely rehash it, so I'm really not doing that.

If you could point out the worst cases of TH in the story, I'd appreciate that too.
>> No. 107037
>>106981
The first Matrix was revolutionary for its time, and though some of the special effects have probably aged, it's still an amazing action movie and a decent take on the "brain in a jar" philosophy question.

>Is this an issue of odd wording of this, or will a reader not understand this concept just by saying these lines?
The former

>I was wondering if you could give me a specific example
>Maybe if they think she wasn’t moving they would leave her alone. Closing her eyes, she waited for the footsteps and the voices to disappear.

>Is this in the dream with the birthday or in the factory?
In the dream

>I'm supposing the problem is that it's just not entertaining enough?
>Pinkie
>entertaining
Go with "energetic and/or zany."

>but is it just too vague at the current time?
Yeah. I mean, The Matrix actually pulls of the "how did the machines take over the world" backstory pretty well, and they did it mid-movie so that the first few scenes weren't hindered by it.

>Do I need to put some sort of explanation in to keep the reader from going 'The fuck is going on here?'
Yeah.
>> No. 107039
File 133979851939.jpg - (35.48KB , 500x326 , 133969218331.jpg )
107039
>>107037
Thanks for that clarification. This kind of constitutes a full rewrite though, but the review and the extra notes will definitely come in handy for that. Till next time, thank you.
>> No. 107045
File 133980385032.png - (144.07KB , 900x864 , awesome_scootaloo_by_nerevars-d4yxs0b.png )
107045
>>107020
Aaand I'd say that's just about everything. I shall return after I have made the proper modifications. Farewell kind sir, we'll meet again soon.
>> No. 107103
Just wanted to drop in and say that I'm very impressed by this thread. You guys move at a prodigious pace, and despite your warnings I don't really see too much grouchiness in your reviews. You're critical and you don't go out of your way to be polite, but you're always perceptive, never too opinionated, and ultimately helpful. You also aren't quick to say "this sucks, I gave up after reading the intro."

Looking forward to your thoughts on my own work (after the write-off is over, I assume.) Hope my submission post didn't get buried so swiftly that you missed it.
>> No. 107110
Sup guys.

Just want to clarify something. I know that Nick declined my request for a review but I've seen someone else named Hankishes looking at the Prologue and Chapter 1. Is this Seattle?
>> No. 107113
>>107103
Never said we were grouchy Tac, though if you catch me before my gallon of coffee an Nick before his candy bars, then all bets are off. You're in the queue, and I appreciate your kind thoughts.

>>107110
Hey borg. Nope, that wasn't me,
>Hankishes
lolwut
>> No. 107114
File 133983006344.jpg - (50.68KB , 960x843 , 389191_384600544894290_340772192610459_1256260_763450025_n.jpg )
107114
>>107110
No that's me. I decided to pick up your story since it's been sitting for so long. here: >>106637
>> No. 107119
File 133983279238.png - (164.03KB , 1330x1556 , 133633494049.png )
107119
>>107114
Did I derp again? Sorry; I forgot I had anonymous in the namefield.
That was me, and here's a link to the review of the prologue: >>106647
>> No. 107124
Hullo!

Nick may or may not remember me, but he very kindly reviewed my story 'Question of Sacrifice' on the behalf of Samurai Anon about this time last month. And here is the latest version! Now, I should mention that its gone through Chocolate Milk, and I would be sending him this, except his queue is still sadly closed. Also, someone very kindly offered to review it on the TGs, except I can't find him or my story in the 'Unclaimed' or 'In Progress' queues, so I have no idea whats going on with that.

Anyway, I'm going to say I have a preference for Nick, simply because he already has some experience with my fic and its initial flaws.

So, without further or due:

Question of Sacrifice

Prologue

Treachery and lies are interwoven into the complex tapestry of politics that stretches from the noble spires of Canterlot to the deceitful halls of griffoney, and the whole political spectrum is a constant flashpoint. It only takes one, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, to set the whole farce ablaze

[war][dark][adventure]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zNvkgj_Tno_qHKTEKWCfLxWizBxOVhiHoFxyh-IB0-g/edit

Cheers!
>> No. 107157
>>107119

Thanks, Minj. If you're interested in the rest of the story and haven't seen the fimfiction link (I don't think I put it in this thread,) the rest of it thus far is here:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24125/The-Zodiac-Ritual

Glad you enjoyed it.
>> No. 107249
File 133990124383.png - (139.64KB , 962x915 , spoiler.png )
107249
>>105387
Plot Summary
Peppermint gets molested ...inflated... as a filly, then grows up and has to struggle with what her actual identity is as well as the temptation to molest inflate ponies. Then, Pepper does rape inflate someone, there's a party where Pinkie Pie's a ninja, then a police chase, then PIRATES, swordfighting, and... huh?


Critiques
Some of the technical hiccups from Fragility is present here: mainly, the dry phrasing you have here and there. You do an effective job at telling the story, but at the same time, the prose could flow in a manner that's more natural than is present here. For example,

>Yet in just a moment, she cracked a smile. There were no words, just excited giggling from her as she ran inside.
just feels like a flat way of narrating a happy little filly smiling and running around in a giggling fit. What you should work on is saying the same thing in as few words as possible, all while trying to be vibrant with details. My attempt would be:

>Her eyes widened, followed by a huge smile on her face that grew as she ran inside, giggling.
"There were no words" is implied by there being no narration or dialogue that mentions speaking, and "in just a moment" is mildly redundant. "Yet" is definitely a bad way to start a sentence in this context, though.


Also, there's still the mild problem with "negative descriptors," where you mention what something isn't. It feels somewhat like a buzz term known as "casual/lazy narrating," which can be good in some instances, but those are mostly comedies.


But, just like Fragility, I don't really have a problem with your grammar; most of my problems stem from questions that I have about the plot. In order of appearance:

-It feels too easy when Peppermint decides to inflate someone. Like, you spend some time having her deliberate it, but still. You either need to show that she's been dealing with this temptation for a longer time in her life and this is a breaking point, have some sort of external event act more notably as a catalyst, or have her come to some sort of cathartic realization that's a lot more emotional than what is present.

-Why doesn't Busy Body recognize Peppermint the second time the two meet?

-Speaking of "too easy," I think that's a more systemic problem with this story. For example: Peppermint has a problem? It appears that it's going to get solved by accident (though I've got an inkling that it won't). They get framed for robbery? They come across the actual thieves, the robbery gets solved without issue, and they are personally absolved of any trouble. My main problem with this "easiness" is that it really makes me ask the question: what were the pirates even doing in this story?

Now, don't get me wrong, my favorite characters in this story are Sail and Tail. I don't want to omit their adorable antics Dangling upside-down helplessly? GOD DAM IT that's cute. from this story, but at the same time, I've got my doubts as to the direction of this story and, therefore, the necessary depth you need to go into---if at all---with a "speed bump" after the party, before they get to Zecora's hut.

Which, while it's a critique I have about your story seeming to lack direction, that doesn't mean that the "wandering" wasn't enjoyable. I like how you touched on some serious themes such as "the cycle of child abuse" and "cutie mark identity crises," and I hope you do more with them. I'd also like for the plot to be a bit more streamlined, though.

Happy writing.
>> No. 107264
File 133990570829.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
107264
>>107124 (claimed by request)

>>106123
>>106940
>> No. 107265
File 133990617193.png - (36.51KB , 329x232 , spoiler.png )
107265
>>107249
Well this is odd. I'm both incredibly relieved to finally get the word on the review, and incredibly nervous all over again at the review itself.

To address my concerns in order...
1. Molested... yeah sorta. I was trying to avoid the direct connection and leave it as light as possible, but I can see it still shows through. Do you think this'd be a problematic point for readers?
2. Awkward phrasing. Is this basically resolvable by reading it out loud? Then maybe having someone else do the same?
3. Negatives. I'll keep an eye out for them while re-reading through.
4. >It feels too easy when Peppermint decides to inflate someone.
Is this in reference to the end of Chapter 2, where she's worried about the party, or when she actually does it in Chapter 3?
5. Unless I'm mistaken as to the part you're talking about, Busy only saw her as part of a crowd the first time. And if I am mistaken, I need to re-read for something else still.
6. What would you recommend to address the "easiness" of the story: Just expanding on the problem points, or rewriting them to work something more logical into its place? (Basically, should I keep what I have and build more around it, or start a rewrite of the illogical areas)
Or somewhere inbetween?

Bonus: The biggest concern I have and the number one reason I'm nervous.
I honestly can't tell, did you or did you not like the story, in general?

Overall, thank you very much for you time and critique. I'm already set to work on addressing the issues you've presented.
>random story-related concept pic
>> No. 107273
File 133990863004.png - (135.16KB , 322x337 , Neat.png )
107273
>>107265
1) You're having an adult forcefully do something creepy to a child against the child's will, and it sticks to the child in a traumatic, life-long psychosis. It's... it's a pretty thin metaphor for molestation, so... bear that in mind vis a vis the readers. For what it's worth, you handle it somewhat realistically minus some emotional depth and a "magic potion" potentially curing it, but yeah, I'm not the most symbolic reader and I drew the conclusion. Others will, too. As for whether that's a problem, that depends on how you label the story. It's definitely not crossing any boundaries content-wise.
2 + 3) Yes
4) The end of chapter 2, but now that you mention it, her reservations are a little quick in chapter 3, too. Then again, I'm still haunted by Honey Comb's sentient resistance at the end of Fragility, so maybe my standards are too high for that scene.
5) Part of the crowd, true, but she was creepy, stalky, and had a balloon. That seems like that would stick out, even if you falsely assume that ponies can't tell one another apart by bone structure alone.
6) I'd rewrite them with the goal of connecting the main conflict of this story (Peppermint's temptation) to the resolution (I'm going out on a limb and guessing that Zecora's potion fixes the temptation but leaves the cutie mark), but also, playing up the difficulty by having the characters work for the plot point. Basically, if we equate plot with video game progression, give the difficulty "to next goal" a little more depth than Modern Warfare 2, just don't fall into Final Fantasy-style grinding.

Bonus) Yes. For what it's worth, I've had a pretty fucking terrible week insofar as reading, writing, and reviewing has gone, but your story managed to make me crack a smile (which I rarely do anyway, but that's beside the point). I put this story off in my queue because, even as things were unfolding and I was struggling with getting reviews done in a timely manner, I had hope that this story would make up for some of the other ones' failings. You didn't disappoint. I like that, similar to Crystal Shard, Peppermint is a "likable predator," even though Pepper's probably only a "3" on the scale of "Whackjobs." I like the pragmatic side of Pinkie Pie that, in the show, often gets overplayed with bullshit like LET'S PARTY!. I like how you defined Peppermint and Sunny's "best friendship" in terms of Peppermint's antisocial tendencies, meaning, it's realistically distant given the parameters. I liked the pacing break in chapter four, where you let Peppermint enjoy herself at the party for a while. And the mental image of Sail hanging, helplessly, by his hind leg by some line is... it makes me remember back to when I liked this show and fandom.

That's not easy to do.

All in all, I had problems with the direction at some times, but I still liked the wandering. So have my "I liked this non-humanized story" picture, as the "I liked this humanized story" picture didn't work, apparently (but pirates...).


As for whether I liked this more than Fragility... no. But, you don't beat a story that's on my top five list of stories in this fandom very easily, and Fragility is one of those.
>> No. 107309
File 133992693369.jpg - (41.97KB , 500x375 , 130263921738.jpg )
107309
>>106123


Okay, Library story by the O-Tortoise (Turtle! [Whatever]) Damn you all for making me play my own joke

Jumping right on in then...

>12:00 sharp
spell out numbers as a rule of thumb. Thus-
>twelve o clock sharp

Use italics over full caps for emphasis.

Do your best not to start narrative sentences with conjunction, outside of rare and judiciously chosen situations where-in it lends a more organic quality to the flow.

>remaining resolute in her stubbroness.
This is very nearly redundant. Oh, not to mention misspelled.

>“Ok, ok, jeez.”
It’s far better to spell out “okay”

>greater mental ability
This needs to be phrased better.

>Princess
Don’t capitalize this unless it’s being used as a proper address.

>a fast-moving vehicle of gilded form flew in from the left-most portion of the sky, gradually decreasing the distance between themselves and the earth.
This whole beast is clunky.

Da, this too have yon proberem, sarm as aboov
>yet he spoke with the inflection as if he was the same age them.

Every time someone say a pony is wearing a robe without actually describing the fit, I just think of a tent with four legs sticking out the bottom and moving around.

You’re missing quite a few commas that are called for in natural pauses. Say a line aloud. Comma go where pause happens.
Conversely, you have a lot of commas that have no right nor call to be there.
Generally, you kinda suck at commas.

>He let out a few hearty laughs, in.
Say what now?

Wait wait, you’re saying this OC was Twilight’s “best friend” from her tutelage under Celestia? Tread carefully with this subversion of commonly understood canon.

>Librarium tjat was
Tjat’s what she said

>descended at a downward angle,
Oh witness, ye heralds, mas redundancy

>better to do’.”
Keep punctuation within quotations, even singles. It looks wonky, but the above looks even wonkier.

>as Twilight turned towards the doors, which Rainbow copied moments later.
You have an issue making a sequence of actions flow smoothly. Practice with this.

>at least twenty times cooler
*puts the knife down, and slowly backs away*

>neato!!!
A single exclamation mark is more than sufficient for any level of excitement. Two is sophomoric, and three makes me want to kick a puppy. Utilize italics and narration for to achieve degrees of emphasis.

>Confused look on her face, Pinkie looked towards its source
cluuuuuuunk

Why does it seem as though Twilight is unfamiliar with the Librarium, when you allude earlier that she has spent time there?

>Twilight blushed. Even in his old age, he still knew how to flatter her.
Creepy.

>For the first time in her life, didn’t want to leave the library, ignoring the fact she was partially scared of more cramped spaces, where flying wasn’t usually an available tactic.
Splice, clunk, and missing pronoun.

>For Celestia’s sake, she was Rainbow Dash!
You slip quite badly into casual narration in this segment.

>It reminded her more of a military bunker of a library
Missing word. You do this quite a bit.

Avoid using parenthesis for appositives. It’s ugly and all around bleb. Use commas or Em dashes, depending on the severity.

>as per her usual
Missing closing punctuation, and a line below this, you mess up a dialogue tag, which you have more than a few issues with.

When writing AJ’s dialogue, “ah” equates to “I”, and should be capitalized as such.

>“Tell that to Rainbow,” Twilight mocked. “She wouldn’t believe you if you showed
… And the line ends there… why?

>she was just being quiets
noes

>“This comin
apostrophe needed for all these.


I’m assuming stuff is going to start happening… eventually. Not to say that the main six researching their genealogies’ isn’t absolutely enrapturing, but…

………
*snort* HUH! What?! … Oh, right, story. Reading.

>She was the princess’ sole pupil, her prized heir
You either don’t know what heir means, or have a profound lack of understanding that that bombshell entails.

>She wasn’t much a of a procrastinator, but this small trifle could wait. There was history that needed reading.
Yes, because history books are swift buggers, and if you don’t catch them quickly, then they’ll outpace the actual mystery that’s inferred by this statement.

You miss a lot of should-be hyphens. One eg:
>The entire pamphlet sized letter

You really need to work on AJ’s accent.

Use Em dashes for sentence breaks, not hyphens. Have I said this already? I can’t recall.

>“Wait. Before I begin, why don’t you guys tell me about some of the things you learned?”
Oh. Yes. By all means, please do, won’t you?

>she had already acquiesced a considerable amount of information from the text
>acquiesced
This word does not mean what you think it means.

And oh my god everypony’s related!

>“I had a feeling,” Twilight said, true to
Why the hell do you have so many sentences that just



—Eeeeeen summary...

You have a chronic issue of awkward phrasing that, while getting the meaning across, reads quite poorly.
>It was now Twilight’s turn to be surprised.
Endless lines like this eventually make this piece’s narration about as engaging as a textbook on fluvial geomorphology.
The pacing is, in a word, glacial. By which, I mean a mastodon could outrun it. You also seem to be under the impression that the quantity of exposition equals reader immersion. Unfortunately, that is a thoroughly incorrect formula.

The main six go to the Librarium, they study, they learn they’re related, Rainbow learns to enjoy reading (again) albeit with the addendum of extending her appreciation to actual research.
You were pretty spot-on in your assessment that this could be an episode-like piece, but you overextend the red-line length by… oh, I’d say at least 8k words. Trim this up, and *really* work on your phrasing and flow, and you could have an engaging one-shot here. In any case, insomnia ho. Onward to more pone fic.

Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 107339
File 133994628508.png - (163.47KB , 910x878 , 132625381169.png )
107339
>>107273
Well, wow. Maybe its just my confidence issues coming up again, but I did not see that coming.

Fragility in/around your top 5? No way.

I'm sorry your week's been a pain like that, but I'm glad my story managed to make it a bit better. Thank you very much.

As far as the rest of the issues go, that should do it outside of a question or two off the comments left in the docs. I'll get to the revisions immediately (over a few days and downtime included of course).

By the way, that's not quite what I had in mind for the resolution with Zecora...
The idea is that this "new" variant of the disease is resistant to traditional cures, and that the story will extend quite a bit longer, with Pinkie and Peppermint finding several other ponies with cursed Cutie Marks while searching for different means of actual cure. From a technical standpoint, this would mean a bunch of different stories/arcs within the larger "Faux Mark" series of things.
>> No. 107475
File 133997888665.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
107475
>>107124
Plot Summary
It's like V for Vendetta but with griffins.

Critiques
You fixed some of the plot elements from last time, so mostly, this time around is to remind you that the grammar and writing style on this still needs work.

Before that, though, I have to ask: what happened to the female guard for most of that fight? It seems like there's a very wide timeframe (even though it's only like 10 seconds) between her being in the headlock, the male guard attempting and failing a rescue, then Fleigen gets separated, the male guard and Clause are taking time in the middle of a fight to mourn the male guard, then Clause bolts, Fleigen pursues, and the wounded MALE comes to try and stop him. Like... it seems like the female could've done a lot more in that fight, or that Fleigen should've snapped her neck when he had a chance. Hollow bones, not the best thing to stop someone from severing your spinal column.


But anyway, like I said, my main problems with this are grammatical and stylistic. You also have issues with commas here and there. In my opinion, "adrenaline" should be spelled with an "e" on the end, but "adrenalin" is technically correct, so I don't know which is more common.

Moving on, you don't have a very good "flow" going on between your sentences. You start this piece with very long sentences, 28 and 33 words long each. That makes it difficult to get into reading this story, which is a shame given that I like the concept. You need to work on saying things in a manner that is either more vivid or succinct, but generally, I think you should go with "shorter sentences.

My main problem with this piece, though, is that there are still certain points that you could've been more clear as to what's physically happening. You do better at distinguishing the fake-Fleigen from the painted one, and I appreciate that you toned down all the other photos, but the distinction's still not crystal clear. The fight scene is also murky in places, as is the scene after the fight, where Fleigen pursues Clause. Go through this story, sentence by sentence, and make sure that every single one of them is saying exactly what you want it to. Use more descriptive verbs for your action scenes.

There's a good story in here, you just need to keep working on cleaning up the languaging.
>> No. 107534
File 133998710930.png - (135.16KB , 322x337 , Neat.png )
107534
>>106940
Plot Summary
The shady branch of some sort of big corporation is getting ready for something that requires the Elements of Harmony. It starts off with "Rainbow Dash" stealing something (possibly the elements) from a corporation, then it cuts to "Twilight Sparkle" getting interrupted during a lecture, then "Twilight" visits "Applejack," and damn it, I want more of this story.

You definitely picked up the pace a lot more from >>79949, that's for sure.

Critiques
There's not really a lot I have to say; some minor phrasing issues and you could always give this another verbal reread, but really, the only thing that struck me was that you didn't go deeply enough into some plot points. For example, the nature of Daybreak's assignment... you really sort of glanced over it. And the part where she accepted it. It really feels like there was a scene there that should've been written, but in the end, it wasn't, which kind of confused me for the dialogue of Daybreak/Ironwood's scene.

Still, kudos on tying this all together a lot more coherently; I only wish I had more aid to offer this time around.
>> No. 107537
>>107534

I'm amused that you remember this from way back then. Glad it's in such a good place now!

But the thing is, the reason I threw you this was so that I could have something to show the prereader that wasn't Kurbz' review and oh crap I forgot to mention that this was rejected from EQD.

Okay, well. This version was quite different from what the pre-reader saw (I made a lot of edits before showing this to anyone else) so I'm pretty sure everything in the prereader comments has been dealt with. I'm just gonna copypaste this here so that the record will show that I have.

========================================

[List of Issues]
1) Language. You don't need to say shit, fuck, damn and such every line or three to emphasize how gritty a world it is. After all, there were very few cuss incidents in 'Bladerunner' and that movie pretty well set the tone for Dystopian movies.

2) You slipped up a few times and used numerics instead of typing them out.

3) Hyphen or Dash abuse. There's better ways to denote interrupted speech. Ellipses, or a single dash will do.

4) Capitalization issue. Is should not be capitalized there.

“This,” she said dramatically, “Is

[Suggested Fixes]

Take this over to Ponychan and ask for a review. I like your premise, but I do think you need a bit of help with the mechanics of things, here. When you resubmit, please include a link to the review thread so we can go over it.

========================================
>> No. 107598
>>107537
I didn't notice any of those grammatical errors, but I probably would've given this a strike for the lack of depth given to some of the plot stuff.
>> No. 107604
>>107598

Yeah, I thought it was odd that all the reviewer gave me was some technical errors that were easily fixed in a single sweep.

Anyway, I suppose this will be ready for another submission soon. Thanks for your help and I'm still surprised that you had so little to say.
>> No. 107893
Title: Contemplation
Genre: Comedy
Synopsis: Luna deals with socioeconomic problems the old-fashioned way because she's been on the moon for a thousand years.
Word count: 2,662.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33265/Contemplation
>> No. 107911
>>107893
>present tense
>overly wordy, stilted-sounding intro
Yeah... Seattle's the one with a love for Luna, I'm going to let him take this one. <_<
>> No. 108118
File 134033546335.png - (171.57KB , 1200x1027 , muffinshuffle.png )
108118
Title: Rainbow Dash's Addiction
Genre: Normal
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash wakes up from having partied a little too hard, only to find her friends staging an intervention for her. All seem genuinely worried, but one of her friends plays a closer role in her addiction than most realize.
Word Count: 3,157
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r_xgZwAJ8uNnYXVMpb7B7EmOhiatm1xqDijrKG1rbbc/edit

After Cassius gave me one of his trademark "you will be sore in the morning" reviews in the pre-reading queue, I realized I needed to make this not suck, or at least be more consistent. Have I succeeded?

Comments are enabled. Go nuts.
>> No. 108125
>>108118
I'll get to this on Sunday if Seattle hasn't already. It's crazy how that's my "ETA," and it's three days off. Such is life being busy, I guess.
>> No. 108141
File 134034644534.png - (780.91KB , 680x877 , 044.png )
108141
Title: Ms. Rarity
Genre: Mystery/Crossover
Synopsis: Rarity is a high-class fashion designer, with a good taste in dresses and very classy. But, what it highlights is her great appreciations of the details, Is it possible that she can use that skill for something else?
Word Count: 5631
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kgUDupyMp44CZpmMzndT-_JsifWfE_rvlidhpXP8fgI/edit

English is not my first language so you may find some many grammar mistakes. Also, since it's a fic Sherlock Holmes's style, there may be a few plot holes. Thanks for your help :D
>> No. 108185
File 134041593943.jpg - (99.56KB , 600x600 , 131039359243.jpg )
108185
>>107893
Amit, your work is currently undergoing revision. If you’d like to submit this piece after the dust has settled one way or the other, by all means do so.

>>108141
Firo, english not being your first language won’t get you a pass here, so look for some cutting commentary. (Actually, I’ll likely be a lot nicer about things, so there’s that). Queued.

>>108118
Ohhhhh yes. I’m so looking forward to this. I saw the anal plundering Cass gave you, but I won’t be referencing that. Oh, and congrats on writing best pony. Prepare yourself comrade.
>> No. 108186
File 134041624991.png - (59.32KB , 501x736 , 132849787701.png )
108186
>>108118
>Comments are enabled. Go nuts.
>mfw doc is view only
>> No. 108223
File 134044849337.png - (430.07KB , 550x413 , 1305090100885.png )
108223
>>108118
Well then, let’s see what’s up here. Huh. First person Dash? Ballsy mate. Ballsy.

>I needed a drink.
I hear that. (oh god not anymore. it’s now ToP 3 am and I hate alcohol. fuuuuuu)

>tipwinged
Having read this several times, I can say each time has given me a different (if only slightly) mental image of what she’s actually doing.

>Almost no one seemed to be able to get any, but the little guy seemed to have an unlimited supply of the stuff.
I get you’re going to ambiguity, but something about this construction just rubs me oddly. oh vimmm

You have an issue with skirting between narration and actual thoughts. Granted this being first person muddles the distinction far more than a 3rd-P would, but still, the issue is present.

>A huge grin came over my face.
Heh, connotations. But really- Passive as hell man, and it fucks with my immersion.

>since I had had if flow down my throat and let its refreshing flavor make me feel extra awesome.
…Yeeeeah no. This is bad. Like, “I’ve never had sex before but I’m going to write out the most mind-blowing sex-scene evar” level of bad. Okay, not THAT bad, but still. Surely there’s another, less laughable way of inferring whatever-the-hell (inb4 cider) she’s here for without descending to phrasing like this.
Further, and perhaps more seriously, lines like this create a sense of you not knowing exactly how you wish the emotional tone to carry. I dunno mate, feels wobbly.

>made a growling noise that I guess was supposed to sound pleased, but it sounded kinda creepy.
Oh narration, why you so clunky. Wouldn’t something like-
>made a growling noise that I guess was supposed to sound pleased, but just came off kinda creepy.
work just as well? No need for work rep or redundancy.

>A whole… a whole… a whole
One too many wholes. Srsly.

OH, that’s my biggest issue so far. So little SHOW. Vim, what the hay? We have dialogue, and Dash’s kinda-internal-monlogue (which as often as not, isn’t even directly related to what was just said). What we don’t have very much of at ALL, is body language. Prime example-
>He pause, knowing I would hang on every word.
Seriously, use this to paint me a picture. A quick skim shows this issue to by pretty systemic mate.

Suddenly Spike and cider. Rather anticlimactic reveals given the past couple pages of ambiguity.

The fuck is [hr]?

Suddenly a shift to a diff. 1st pony PoV. Whytheforhow.

>Her eyes opened in a watery movement, betraying her true sadness
>the firm mold her face was set into spoke of a slow determination.
>filled with expressions of good will and helpful sentiments.
Gah. Vim. GAAAHHHHH. How is it possible lines like this can still come from you? Man, you are so much better than this. Da fuq.

>I-I could
Is that a fucking hyphen
FIRED

>an elegant mare
Dash? Elegant? Um… She’s a lot of things, but elegant? I dunno mate.

> it's fun let loose
to

>I softened my tone and my expression
See, this right here is an impediment to 1st person. It reads as though it’s pre-conceptualized an deliberate, and therefor forced. Not a natural reaction to unfolding events.

I don’t… what? So AJ’s all guilt-laden as a (insert clever analogy here, I’m gonna be hungover soon [haha fucked now]), blames herself for Dash’s addiction, acts wangsty the entire thing… and then treats an addiction that now clearly effects everypony as a joke warranting no more than a group hug, and a “slow down a little”, her greatest actual concern being revealed that she “couldn’t supply all the ponies who wanted some with their fix.”

Their fix. AJ straight up says “their fix.” And then it’s time for a group hug.
I can’t seem to make this work in my head, at all.



So yeah. Combine the issues of flat 1st person, an overall passive tone, an imbalanced and inconstant tone, and you have a piece that just doesn’t quite manage to *capture* your reader. Have to admit the characters all seemed to come across as pretty flat. I suggest you decide exactly what tone and stride you want this thing to have, and reinforce it with appropriate devices and dialogue, work up some more show, expound on body language, and tighten up the 1st person narrative. Having Twilight take over the story half-way through kinda threw me, just sayin’.

All in all, not one of your better pieces mate. It’s odd really, that hit an miss thing with practiced writers.
I’m looking forward to seeing Nick’s consideration of this one, maybe I’ve got a bit of a distorted perspective going on.
In any case, cheers Vim!
>> No. 108224
>>108185

Ah. In any case, I /do/ have another fic I'd like reviewed, if such a thing would not be of much consequence:

Title: Solace
Genre: Sad
Synopsis: Pinkie Pie watches over a dying Rainbow Dash.
Word Count: 3,190, incomplete
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33445/Solace
>> No. 108263
File 134047418533.jpg - (273.00KB , 1366x768 , 41735 - rainbow_dash strut upside_down.jpg )
108263
>>108224
Can do Amit. Added. (ya seem to have forgotten your name mate)

>>108141

Annnd another first person. Is it that time o the month or something? Moving on...


>Sometimes, I think the low temperatures of this city can remove the sorrows deeply hidden in my soul from the day I escaped from Canterlot.
Clunky and narm.

Comma issues. Try saying a sentence aloud. When you hit a natural pause, place a comma there.

>Disappointed of my attempt
should be
>Disappointed with my attempt

>The home’s grandiosity and extravagant decor
better phrased as-
>The home’s grandiose and extravagant decor

Your structuring is wonky, and you need to work on how to do dialogue tagging. See-
>Rarity looked at me inquisitively. She examined me from my head to my hoofs and then she said.
(paragraph break)   
>“Well, I have no problem with him staying here.
Should be constructed as-
>Rarity looked at me inquisitively. She examined me from my head to my hooves and then said, “Well, I have no problem with him staying here.

Spell out all numbers, including times, with the exception of proper designations (EG: M-16)

I… hmm. Mate, doing a line-by-line of suggestions and corrections would, at this point, take forever. I’m going to confine myself to pointing out systemic issues, and direct you to references that address them.

Firstly, dialogue attribution. See The Editor’s Omnibus on Equestria Daily (just google it) for a simple crash course in this.

One issue that non-native English speakers tend to have is confusion as to which preposition suits the flow of the sentence best. Specifically: for, as, was, with, it.
I… Hmm. I dunno mate. English is a crazy fucking language. Understanding the flow of it often comes less from a hard knowledge of rule, than an intuitive grasp from cultural immersion. Anyone reading this who may have better input on the subject, please do chime in, because I’m at a loss as to further clarification.

In fact, I’ve been thinking for some time that a thread dedicated to foreign writers working with English would be a great idea.

Comma splices and semicolons. I direct you to the glorious oatmeal for an easily absorbed and amusing comic on the matter.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon

Talking heads. When you’ve established who the characters are, you no longer need to attribute them in a back and forth exchange with every line, but it IS important to throw in some body language to add flavor and emotional context to their words.

Em dashes. They can be used to great effect for appositive breaks and sentence interruption, but there is no space preceding or following them. Also, don’t use them in conjunction with other strong punctuation marks.

>I can tell by his cutie mark which also tells me that he’s named Big Macintosh.
1) Rarity already knows Big Mac
2) You’re inferring that somehow a pony can tell another’s name by their cutie mark, death note style.
3) Really weird.

Always start a new paragraph when you change character perspective.

Always capitalize a proper noun. IE a name, or “Miss” when used to address a person.

>in a cult language
What. A cult language? I don’t even

Direct thoughts should italicized, and there’s no need to put quotes around them.

Try to avoid self-insert tales. I mean, it’s fair game for practice, I suppose, but they’re generally frown upon for anything serious.

Don’t forget closing punctation.


Annnnnd that’s about all I got for ya. I’m sorry, I’m pretty inadequate to your needs here.
I’ll repeat:
In fact, I’ve been thinking for some time that a thread dedicated to foreign writers working with English would be a great idea.

If nobody runs with this, I’ll likely make the post myself, and then recruit people from /int/ to see if there’s any interest in helping out.

Cheers Firo
>> No. 108371
>>108223
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4u2YrVVvks
>> No. 108393
File 134057849861.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
108393
>>108371
Seattle's right, this needs more work.

First, the whole "Spike is stealing cider to sell to Rainbow Dash" thing is... well, it's stupid. If cider is in-season, why can't Dash go buy some? The introductory scene could've instead been Dash and Applejack, and you could've hinted at some strain and "you're buying a lot of this," but instead, you made Spike out of character and created a really weird and half-baked criminal system.

Really, this story is far to shallowly-told for its subject matter. In any story, there should be introduction, conflict, and resolution. Your conflict of... Dash's addiction... is that Dash is an alcoholic, but you don't really show how that affects her day-to-day life. She's jittery and they find her asleep in a ditch, but... like, that could just be a freak occurrence that everyone's overreacting to. You made NO mention of how it's specifically affecting everyone's friendship—meaning, not only that "we don't want you to be alcoholic no more, but she should've done SOME negative things if her alcoholism is a problem.

And that's really why the resolution felt emotionless and easy. No one had to work for anything, nothing was on the line, and everyone was just overly accepting of "this is how the story's going to end"—but to your credit, not that lazily-written. I mean, hell. Do you really want this story to hit on the appropriate level? Go here:

http://www.aetv.com/intervention/video/#17147528

and watch any of the videos and see how addiction can destroy families and friendships. Then, work that into your story, and THEN expand on the "it's going to be a long road ahead, but we're traveling it together" vibe which you tried for and ended up failing to deliver.
>> No. 108409
>>108263
Well, man. First, I want to thank you for taking some time to review my fanfic. I was expecting some help with the plot since writing a fic Sherlock Holmes' style is one of the hardest thing I've done.

I see that the part of Big Mac was weird for you too, I was expecting the reader to notice the joke Rarity is doing to Firo (I put him that name because I'm too lazy to find a better name, but I see that no one like pseudo-self-insertion tales so I'll change it)

With my "grammar" problem, I meant that my fic needs some work with the flow of the story. Some sentences just don't work! They make sense in my mind but they don't in other people mind.

I appreciate that you took the time to review my fic and I shall find a way to fix the problems you mentioned. See you next time!
>> No. 108418
File 134058966924.jpg - (89.69KB , 900x695 , 10465 - cale-dv cthulhu ponified.jpg )
108418
Title - The Reach
Tags - [Dark] [Adventure] [Mystery] [Minimal Crossovers] (Based off of the tales of H.P. Lovecraft)
Synopsis - Inkwell is one of Equestria's only authors of horror, and when Luna invites him to Canterlot's restricted archives to help him overcome his writer's block, the two unleash something dark and terrible.
Word Count - 2,521 (INCOMPLETE, just looking for a quick review to make sure I'm heading the right direction.)
Link - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IicnsiCQFkBCBp67JNpWUdBJwAPkOzGiXNiRJpgzoqA/edit
>> No. 108460
>>108263
>Anyone reading this who may have better input on the subject, please do chime in, because I’m at a loss as to further clarification.

My father actually learnt English from a book called 'Appropriate Prepositions' by P.K. De Sarkar. As it turns out, most of the language is prepositions. A Google search should produce something like this: http://www.englishgrammar.org/words-prepositions/ , which should help.
>> No. 108487
>>107309
>play my own joke
I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to make that joke.

Thanks very much for the review. Sorry I wasn't able to respond immediately. I'm in Germany right now, and the availability of connections to the internet is scarce (on top of that, the computers that I've seen so far are ancient, and very difficult to work with). I don't have enough time right now to get back to you with all my thoughts and concerns, merely a pre-response, if you will. Just wanted to let you know that there are tons of some things I want to discuss/ask about, but don't have the ability to at the moment. Don't completely forget about the fic or the review until then, k? (even though I know you probably want to go through your reviews as quickly as possible) Tschuß!
>> No. 108490
File 134064206067.png - (83.08KB , 256x256 , avatar.png )
108490
Title: Defiance
Genre Tags: [Sad] [Dark]
Synopsis: As Rainbow Dash tries out for the Wonderbolts, her thoughts turn to to her childhood and the darkness she left behind. First in a series of six stories with related themes, collectively titled The Mask.
Word Count: 2853
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q-fBC9UenEsXybTCvs3nGl2JMJU8RuqM1VkYtbGUY0s/edit

This is the first story of any sort that I've written in a long time; I revised it a couple of times myself, but this is my first time submitting it to an outside reviewer. I would very much appreciate a thorough, brutal review.
>> No. 108529
File 134066365166.png - (58.80KB , 464x373 , Metaspectre Avatar.png )
108529
So, I hear you're some of the harshest reviewers around. That's good. I need that. But I also have somewhat of a unique situation. I'm currently on vacation, and the condo I'm staying at doesn't offer wifi, and my tethering doesn't support secure links.

In short, I can't use Google Docs, though I've had my story hosted on FimFiction for some time. Would you be alright with a FimFiction link, ((with a properly formatted post attached, of course)) or would you rather I wait until I can provide the preferred Google Docs link?

It is 51,003 words long, if that makes a difference either way. Thank you for your time, I know it's valuable.
>> No. 108608
>>108224
>>108490
>>108418
>>108529
Queued

>>108487
No worries OT. Thanks for letting me know what's going on, an have fun in Germany
>> No. 108692
File 134076768580.jpg - (7.46KB , 213x237 , crazy Rarity.jpg )
108692
Title: Pop Culture
Tags: Slice of life
Synopsis: Sapphire Shores returns to Rarity's boutique to thank her for the most comfortable, fashionable stage wear she's every had. While there, she overhears Sweetie Belle singing, and decides her voice is SENSATIONAL. Logically, she offers Sweetie a recording deal. Sweetie accepts, and moves to Canterlot to learn the art of being a pop starlet, with all the ups and downs it brings.
Word count: 4668 at the time of posting
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V40ZqxDjjIrfi3hEWQuitM7jwCmtzpG2mpZexKA5ey4/edit

Comments: Hey guys, Khakispony here. I've been working on this fic for a while and am looking to improve it even more. I already showed it to both Hugbox and Minjask and (hopefully) fixed any errors they told me about. However, I still feel its lacking so I've decided to send it to the most knowledgeable and skilled (totally not kissing up here) reviewers on the site. I still find the occasional grammatical error so please don't be to mad if you find any missing commas or something really obvious since I've found when I right my own fic I tend to gloss over stuff like that. That being said I do believe this is the best fic I've written but that's like saying the shit I took today was better than the shit I took last week. I'll be honest; I don't expect you to love my fic. Do I think I'm going to drive you to drink? Well I sure hope not, but I expect loads of critiques, rants, and swears. So have at me then!
>> No. 108816
>>108224
>I don't have my images and don't feel like going to Dropbox, so just imagine I gave you a "meh" like in >>104010

Plot Summary: Rainbow Dash is dying, but no one knows why, and I really don't care.

Critiques: This is fluff that's just sad for the sake of being sad. There's no real emotional depth given to the characters—they're just "there." This is basically the stereotypical fanfiction that doesn't add anything new to the show but relies on the show to establish the characters already.

In short, this is far too short for its own good. Rewrite, expand, and get rid of the talking heads by including scenery / body language.
>> No. 108839
Hey, guys! I'm back with a new one, kinda. On recommendation from... well, pretty much everyone, I've dropped the HiE angle and started from scratch. Wondering if one of you kind gentlemen wouldn't mind taking a looksie.

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Mystery, Thriller
Word Count: 8,000 or so
Synopsis: Tragedy strikes Ponyville when a body is discovered on the outskirts of the Everfree. As the townsponies grieve, an enigmatic stallion arrives at Ponyville Library, dispatched by the Princess herself to investigate. When more blood is spilled, Twilight and her friends, along with this strange new pony, must work together to solve the puzzle before its too late.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PS9W39Y6e6zbVeXxAHJNrnpLV6hDfa4j39L4-pEpce0/edit

Just so you know, I posted this in Minty's queue a while ago, but no one's gotten back to me yet. I figured it'd be okay to drop this here as well.

Also, I humbly, yet somewhat fearfully, ask that you show no mercy on this one. I want to get better, and I'm aiming for EqD, so spare no verbal razors. Don't worry, I'll only cry on the inside.
>> No. 108842
>>108816
>I really don't care.
That makes two of us.

>relies on the show to establish the characters already.
I suppose the names 'Pinkie' and 'Dash' don't give a clue as to their personalities - and does the old waiter need to be given a name, even? - but fair enough.

That being said, I do believe that there's a plot; in the end, Dash has reconciled herself with death - and in the epilogue, Pinkie is happy. The primary conflict isn't physical, it's mental, and the relative lack of movement (one is half-dead, the other is exhausted as shit) is meant to represent that.

I can understand if that isn't the sort of thing that you go for, of course, but I really don't think that what you've pointed out are faults in the story itself.

Thank you, however, for taking the time to read over it.
>> No. 108864
>>108418
>Glare.png

Plot Summary: A horror writer gets summoned by Princess Luna because he doesn't have a cutie mark.

Critiques: First and foremost, you need to review the proper use of quotation marks. It goes punctuation then quotation marks, for the record.

From a stylistic standpoint, I don't really think this story benefits from "present tense" over past tense; if anything, it just makes it feel stilted when you switch to past-passive (they had begun to annoy me) in the middle of it.

From a content standpoint, I really don't like your main character. He screams "special," and not in a good way (but not in the "olympics" way, either). Adult blank-flanks are annoying enough of a cliche by this point, but he's a recluse in the world of friendship, horror writer in the land of happiness, and he's a personal friend of Princess Luna. All of these oddities make it harder to relate to the character, and really, that's pretty much the key to having a character-driven story (which is what this is). On top of that, you write him... very bland. For someone who's so eccentric, he sounds very bored and "cool," which ends up making your character feel less consistent with himself instead of tying all of his weird attributes together in a coherent manner. I'd tone down the "specialness" and tone up the personality, really.

I didn't like the pretentious, pseudo-philosophical opening. It sets a different tone for your story than what you have, and really, it's an example of trying too hard to sound smart.

Finally, Twilight's held... two? three? "trial" type situation where she doesn't believe something at face value and plays devil's advocate. She's a scientist at heart. So her weird suspicion of the narrator is just that: weird. Actually, it's more than that, it's completely out of character. Seeing as how the library burning down was a minor plot point (I mean, if it was important, you would've started the story with THAT instead of a not-so-smart-sounding rant), I'd definitely omit her reaction.

I mean, "unjustly accused even if they're innocent" is just another square on "Mary Sue Bingo." Is your character an orphan or schizophrenic? If so, I win a prize. The prize is not actually a prize.
>> No. 108865
>>108842
Emotional story that's devoid of emotional depth? How is that not a problem?
>> No. 108868
>>108864
>>108865
>That day when you forget to write your own name.
>> No. 108876
File 134094512606.gif - (74.56KB , 323x272 , TwilightTroll.gif )
108876
>>108868
>Herped on name
>On a mac

I think I figured it out
>> No. 108883
>>108876
I've gone through six computers in three days, get off me.
>> No. 108884
>>108864
First off, thanks for your time.

I was worried about the intro sounding too pretentious myself, and I really hate to pull a "it makes sense later in the story" excuse, but the "sophisticated" style was what I was going for. I obviously failed to pull that off and I will be revising it.

Mary Sueism is something I've been trying to avoid, and I suppose I can really see where he's giving that vibe. (Considering this a story about an author being written by... an author.) I'd also debate Twilight's tenancies to accuse with you, but I can see where that might require some revision as well.

All in all, as I continue to write this, I find it becoming less and less canonical. I think the problems are arising from my attempts to make my characters some canon, and the plot not being canon at all. I.e., it would be hard for the canon Mane 6 to fight Cthulhu and stay in character. Just doesn't work.

And as for punctual errors, they're most likely typos.

But thanks again!
>> No. 108895
File 134097773100.gif - (56.69KB , 500x538 , tumblr_lxofb7hfsS1r3s33oo2_500.gif )
108895
>>108883
I'm just messin' around.

Though I do take pride in punching off the faces of every Apple Employee that always stands at the 'Genius Bar' in the Apple Store. Just the conceited title of 'Genius Bar' drives me nuts.

Yet I desperately want the earbuds in TF2 that were granted to Mac users. Well, actually, it's pretty much a form of currency.

I'll stop talking now.
>> No. 108923
>>108884
>Main six fight Cthulu and stay in character
Not at all. Part of keeping characters in-character is to play out how that character would react to _____ based on their personality and likes/dislikes from the show.
>> No. 108927
>>108865
Four words: A Clean, Well-Lighted Place.

What do we know about the old man's personality other than the fact that he is suicidal for a reason only speculated over? What do we know about the younger waiter other than the fact that he believes he will never grow old? What do we know about the older waiter other than the fact that he's come to terms with his impending loneliness?

What do we know about the café other than the fact that it is clean and well-lit?

Whereas Hemingway focused primarily on loneliness, I've focused on friendship. I don't honestly think that that makes it any less poignant. They're just ponies going through life; they're not on some big adventure, because everything that could have been done has been done. It's more or less a verisimilitude with ponies, allowing for those few palliative adventures. It's meant to show the value of little things.

I understand if you don't like it, and I'm sorry if I sound like an arrogant douchecanoe; I just feel that the Barthian reader can project his own emotional depth onto the characters, and not the other way around.
>> No. 108928
File 134099523325.jpg - (109.41KB , 1188x672 , 15353.jpg )
108928
>>108529
>>108608
Well, you said queued which implies you're okay with it.

The main thing is I've been writing this for some time now and it's getting decently popular, and I didn't want any ratings to influence your judgement one way or another. I trust your ability, however.

Title: Inner Glory
Genre: Adventure/Alternate Universe/Progressively Grimdark
Synopsis: Twilight does some research into the history of Equestria and the Alicorns, and uncovers a history that some want forgotten, making her question her loyalties and what she knows.
Word Count: 53,811 as of this post
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15353/Inner-Glory

Once again, if you truly would prefer a Google Docs link, I should be able to provide one within a couple of days. Thank you for your time.
>> No. 108929
>>108928
May I ask why would a story already in EqD need a review? Unless you are willing to rewrite if something is found, which apparently most people don't want to do in EqD, I don't see how getting it reviewed would help anyone.
>> No. 108938
>>108927
Well, it's good to know your story's already perfect. Please don't submit perfect stories to this thread, as no suggestions on how to change them are going to be heeded.
>> No. 108945
>>108929
I'm not the author of that fic, so I can't tell you the exact reason that he wants a review. Really, though...why should getting onto EQD be the only goal to shoot for? A writer's goal shouldn't be "make a story good enough for X compilation," but rather "make a good story." Further, it's really hard to know whether your own writing is good or not; even with external feedback from places such as Fimfiction or EQD, there are very few people who are willing to give solid, well-thought-out, constructive criticism, and a lot of mindless sycophants who will shower praise on heaps of trash.

Virtually every story can be improved. "Good enough" is not necessarily the same thing as "good." Having someone with proven skill as a reviewer look over a story and give it an honest review is extraordinarily helpful, regardless of the heights said story has already reached.

Regarding the likelihood of revision based on a review: Even if a review has no direct effect on the story in progress, it can be helpful for future work. Besides, if somebody is looking for a review, that usually indicates a willingness to revise.

> sage because I am veering somewhat off-topic (sorry)
>> No. 108948
>>108945
I offer you the most recent review exchange as prove that this doesn't occur. Also, /fic/ has a long story of people coming for criticism and then not applying them. Furthermore, my point of contention is the subset of people that have gone into EqD because they generally end up parrying major changes by saying "oh, but it's already published", which is a weak excuse as there is.

My comment is basically telling him that if he has no intentions to make the necessary changes for his story to make sense even if he is already 50k words in then he should probably think if it's fair to make people do all that work.
>> No. 108971
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108971
>>108490

Holy shit an on-topic post. In my thread?! No fucking way.
*ahem*


Right then, blue horse is best horse, so let’s wade in.

As a rule, do not hyphenate words ending in -ly

You have a couple compound hyphenation mistakes in other areas as well.

En/Em dash confusion

Spell out numbers

Go for judiciously placed italics over capslock for emphasis. As these mostly occur in flashback-italics, simply make them regular text. Bold if you absolutely must, but kill the capslock.

The convention for ellipses in digital mediums… tends to work… like this. Note the space after the mark, always present unless it opens a sentence. The one like this . . . is used largely in academic and legal notation to indicate an omission of quoted work.

This feels like an incredibly awkward scenario to have such an intense flashback at such length.

Dash feels pretty flippant in the one actual line she has, in stark contrast to the introspective and evolutionary inner-monologue you maintain throughout the piece.

I’m sorry mate, this is pretty short, and plays a theme I’ve seen a hundred times. I really don’t have much else for you. All the best, and keep writing!
>> No. 108976
File 134102410402.jpg - (385.61KB , 1280x720 , 35645 - bathtub exploitable Molestia shower spike twilight_sparkle.jpg )
108976
Alright mate, this has been collated since we last spoke, an I got down my thoughts on the latest segment of chapter five as well, so… enjoy the SoC. You know how I do.

Ch1.

>so she decided follow her
to

>playful teasing later, and Celestia’s nightmare
bad comma

>Luna nodded, satisfied, and soared out the balcony window. “When Twilight arrives, I’ll send her straight to your chambers, sister!”
The OoOps is off here. Dialogue should come before she leaves.

> planned a surprised party
surprise

>she noted, taking stock of her surroundings.
>taking stock of her surroundings.
This instance is the third time you use this in a couple of pages. Suggest altering.

Narrative sentences beginning with conjunctions give me hives.

>She needed something simple... what would Twilight do?
I still say this plays it too strong.

>note to try it once this she had located Twilight
stray “this” up in tar

>when Twilight began for frown, scrutinizing pile with an unsatisfied expression.
This appears to have been jumbled in translation there mate.

>her beloved student’s scent.
haha, oh shit, i just flashed back to when that was “musk”, remembering how I recoiled in horror. Heh, good times.

Right, end 1, Moving on to 2—

>peeking out of the small window, tugging the binds aside with her magic.
blinds, you mean?

>the Palace Guardsmen
Guardsmen?
I know ponifications get old, but just going with Guards wouldn’t be a pain.

You know I like the angle you’re playing so expertly with this story, but this
>“I’m not going to tell you about the spell,” the lavender mare said a little louder.
Seems a touch out for Twilight. I’d expect her well-enough to say it the first time, half to herself, but to repeat it as she does… I dunno, I’d expect more subtlety, more evasion, and more embarrassment.

>“I believe Princess Luna is attending court, so will I send for her when we arrive?”
I’d break these into a definitive statement, THEN a question.

Now, as we get into less familiar territory for me with this work, I can start expounding on your characterization and thematic variance for my own purposes in helping you later on. Some of this may get a bit rambly, but that’s how I’m going to work.

You’re overly heavy with Luna’s stutters in speech. Play them more judiciously for full effect.

Okay then, Chapter 3. New territory for me, I believe—

I absolutely fucking love Luna’s soothing manipulation of her sister’s nightmare. An this line-
>She was the princess of the night, immortal master of the moon and the magic it governed.
Right up my alley. I love it.

This dream sequence… Jesus man. It’s amazing, poignant, and so multifaceted. And this line-
>“The ponies don’t need me. They’ll always have the horizon,” Celestia reassured the little pony.
Impecable.

Heh, in another vein, I’m sensing you just can’t resist some rose-hip Shakespearian allusions. “Take my fruit, it has to be you”
lol.

Wow, that dream consumed nigh the entirety of the chapter, though one issue niggles- The horizon. The representation is clear, especially so with that wonderful device of Celestia’s mane taking the colors of those who gave her the greatest of gifts. But the Horizon is death, and the dream occupies the past. Except when it reaches Twilight and her friends. And her friends embark upon that journey, as all the others before them. But Twilight does not. The implication seems evident enough, that Twi is going to remain at Celestia’s side beyond the mortal tenure of her race. Huh. Not sure how to feel about that, given how many have played the “Twilight becomes an alicorn” angle, and poorly at that. I’m intrigued where you’re going with this, or if you intend to leave it to the reader’s speculation as you continue with the arch of the story. Welp, onward. Let’s see if clarification is imminent.

Ch 4—

Haha, and you tackle the Freudian confusion and angst immediately. Delightful.

Huh.
>'It seems neither of us fully grasped the significance of this moment until now. If she can guide the sun just as I can guide the moon... then our dualism is rendered somewhat moot, isn't it?’
I’m experiencing a certain dissonance with this sentiment. Did not, after all, Celestia take responsibility for the Moon while Luna was gone for an Age? You make an attempt to shore it up in the following sequence of dialogue between the two, but unless you’re playing an irrational fear of Celestia’s, it makes little sense, overall. Hell, even if you are, it’s a thought she should have been more than used to by this point.

>Luna balked slightly. "Not at the same time, I hope."
Fucking lol.

>her eyes opening
missed a period here

God, your rendition of blind-panic and mind-melting Twilight is masterfully done.

>We'll pretend the Illunanati hid it.”
Couldn’t help but laugh at this.

> found herself retreading words
rereading

>You’re hardly short of those, my dear.
This line reads as though C is saying Twi’s not short of bad moments. May wish to rephrase.

>“Guards are for guarding!” Twilight insisted desperately, stomping her hooves frantically into her cushion.
Hahahaha

>Twilight’s eyebrow rose sceptically.
skeptically

>regarded her with a concerned a red eye.
extraneous “a”

>the mare from her dream imposed on her protégé.
interposed

Ch 5-

Hmm. I note you’re becoming much more utilitarian in style. Interesting.

No spaces with Em dashes mate, joo knows dis.

Huh. Have you always apostrophe’d thoughts?

>chart...” one of the doctors said.
i don’t see why the ellipsis is called for here

>and hiding upset
this could be worded better

>Remembering the old love poems, Celestia tried to examine her reflection in Twilight’s eyes.
This is the hammiest ham I’ve ever hammed.

>her and Twilight
Never ever liked this phrasing. Go with Celestia and Twilight

>chuckling ominously lightly
exceedingly clunky

>Gasp of shock and apology clamoured out from the hallway,
Needs to be smoothed out for clarity.

>was it even possible for her to relax here, after all that had –
skirting casual narration here. Consider turning this section into character thought

>the (looooong awaited) bath scene
Damn son, Celly is such a tease.

>‘Trust me’. Celestia
Something wonky happened here.

>the type of temperature other temperatures would sing songs and write odes of in reverence.
I burst out laughing here. This is sappy gold, lol.

>Rubicon steps
Why did you capitalize this? And just to be sure… you are using this term in reference to “a point of no return” yes?

>leaving her in the mercy of her beloved’s embrace
Var. You have missed your calling. Fuck architecture. You should be a romance novella writer. *starts contemplating apropos pen-names*

The silent communication between them during the treatment was an *excellent* touch. That felt incredibly organic.

>-?
By all gods great and small Var, by friendships old and loved ones new: please don’t do this to me.





Celestia.
Your portrayal of her is among the best I’ve read, and frankly one of the very few that are any good at all beyond a surface level depiction. You have such a depth of comprehension with her that it’s rather awe-inspiring, which you really begin to show off as she returns to herself in the second chapter, shaking off the (nicely played device) of a concussion and so much confusion. She is an enigma of steel and power wrapped in sunlit gossamer, and you perceive exactly the right shade to raise to the for in a given situation. Under your pen, she can be both sardonic and outwardly confident, while internally deadly serious. I would go so far in my own arrogance as to say what I’ve done with Luna, you’ve done with Celestia. I’d be incredibly interested and eager to see you try your hand at a Celestia-centric [Dark/Adventure] fic. In any case, you really and truly shine with Tia in chapter 5.



Luna.
When you first began this, I was concerned that you were going to play off the meek, timid little fawn that had always irked me so much, being essentially the antithesis of the Luna that I love and love to write. I was, and am again, incredibly pleased that you proceed to give her some stones and competency. She needs more air-time!



Notes for Continuation-
-Playing too heavy on weariness/sleepiness as a device for Celestia to have romantic thoughts about Twi to use it going forward (pre-ch 5 thought fyi)
-The overtures are clear, you are definitely picking up the pace towards “the conversation” between the two.
-In chapters 3 and 4, there was a great deal of ancillary progression, utilizing devices to intellectualize and buffer the raw emotion building between the pair. Perhaps in 5 it is time to dispense, or at least marginalize, the need for justifications. Get to the meat of it moving forward. I look forward to a chapter raw and visceral.
Well Var, that about wraps it. Really looking forward to the next chapter, you know where to find me if you want another pair of eyes! Cheers mate!
>> No. 108980
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108980
>>108971
> As a rule, do not hyphenate words ending in -ly
Oops. I learned that particular rule shortly after writing this story and forgot to go back and check for it. Thanks.

> You have a couple compound hyphenation mistakes in other areas as well.
Fixed. I think.

> En/Em dash confusion
That one was intentional; I tend to prefer spaced en dashes to em dashes in those situations. I suppose I can switch over, though.

>Spell out numbers
Gah. No excuses here.

> Go for judiciously placed italics over capslock for emphasis. As these mostly occur in flashback-italics, simply make them regular text. Bold if you absolutely must, but kill the capslock.
Yeah, I wasn't sure whether to go with italics or capslock here. I'll switch it over; thanks.

> The convention for ellipses in digital mediums… tends to work… like this. Note the space after the mark, always present unless it opens a sentence. The one like this . . . is used largely in academic and legal notation to indicate an omission of quoted work.
This one is trickier. I've looked through several style guides, checked on Google, and so forth, and have found nothing supporting that style of ellipses. I assumed it was just a common mistake. If you could point me to a source for it, I would be very appreciative; I've been looking but have found nothing so far.

That said, spacing them that much was, in retrospect, a mistake. I'll change that.

> This feels like an incredibly awkward scenario to have such an intense flashback at such length.
Guilty. It was done this way to combine a moment of intense triumph with one of despair; I agree that it is awkward, but could not think of a better way to do it. I'm somewhat loath to discard it altogether, though, as I planned on writing stories with similar themes for each of the main six.

> Dash feels pretty flippant in the one actual line she has, in stark contrast to the introspective and evolutionary inner-monologue you maintain throughout the piece.
That was very, very intentional. This story was based on the poem "We Wear the Mask," with the idea that people (or ponies in this case) hide their pain under masks of contentment. I could have executed it better, perhaps, but making it less flippant would undermine the intent significantly.

> I’m sorry mate, this is pretty short, and plays a theme I’ve seen a hundred times. I really don’t have much else for you. All the best, and keep writing!
Thanks for taking the time to look over it; I appreciate your feedback. I was worried about the theme being overplayed (I really haven't read much fanfiction, but it seemed likely to be fairly standard), but I felt like trying my hand at it nonetheless. I may write longer pieces in the future, but I enjoy writing short stories and felt that it would be a more natural re-entry into writing than something longer.

Once again, thank you. It's been a long time since I last had significant feedback on my writing.
>> No. 109165
>>108948
>>108929
As Blade explained pretty well, more than anything I want my story to be the best it can be. I'm willing to accept criticism/changes, and would be willing to make major changes if necessary and justified, but I think I've done a good job covering any critical plot-changing mistakes. Of course, if I do happen to have a couple of those, well...

EqD tends to be most people's goal; for me it was a stepping stone. I hardly look at that page except every three chapters to tell them I've updated. And if it's at all consoling to you, I don't usually visit Ponychan (nothing against it) so I don't think I'll fit the typical demographic.

If they judge that they shouldn't read/review my story, alright. But I'll listen to whatever anyone has to say.
>> No. 109168
So, did I get queued? Just checking. :)
>> No. 109172
>>109168
woops, sorry mate, gotcha

>>109165
Fair enough Erindor. Just a heads up, I'll be taking just the first few chapters (unless I get sucked in) for review. I've got a... lot of fics on the plate atm. Hope you understand.
>> No. 109176
File 134110633732.jpg - (7.04KB , 304x166 , adorable.jpg )
109176
>>108692
Am I queued as well?
>> No. 109181
>>109172
No worries, duder. :)

>saged for unimportantness
>> No. 109185
>>109176
I'll be doing a bit of queue maintenance later, along with a review of whatever story looks the funnest-to-read, so yes.
>> No. 109214
File 134112763994.png - (135.16KB , 322x337 , Neat.png )
109214
>>108692
Plot Synopsis: Sweetie Belle gets "discovered," then learns a lot about "a day in the life of the Canterlot musical culture."

Critiques: I've got a problem with the overarching structure of this story, mainly that what's presented is a "Prologue." Usually, prologues are there to establish the setting or characters that are present in the main story, then chapter one starts to establish the characters and conflict that the story is going to resolve. In this story, really, the "prologue" is almost like "chapter one," in that I'm imagining that Sweetie Belle gets a "Green is not your Color"-type lesson that celebrity-status isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So, yeah, I don't know why this story starts at the "prologue" instead of "chapter one."

Moving on, I also didn't like the pacing on this. It starts off pretty slow and ends up at a decent rate, but really, there are a lot of unnecessary scenes and exchanges to this story. For example, Octavia and Vinyl Scratch... that whole scene exists to establish that VS and O are members of Def Equestria, but at the same time, that could've been handled by a passing bit of dialogue and a mention how they're out touring (when, you know, it's touring season). There are a lot of dead-weight scenes in this story; I suggest revising to take out any scenes not related to the conclusion or resolution of the plot. Flavor is nice, but too much of it makes your story feel shallow.

Similarly, I don't get or like Rarity's disdain/hatred of Ponyville. She lives there, in the show, and she likes fancy life, but at the same time, she's not really as hateful of Ponyville as you write her to be.

Other than the pacing, though, I didn't find too much wrong with this story. All in all, good job, and I wish you luck on any revisions that you do.
>> No. 109215
File 134112784658.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
109215
>>108928 (Seattle)
>>108839 (Me for... round 4 or 5, now. :o)
>> No. 109217
File 134112984505.jpg - (7.23KB , 299x168 , me when you push the limits of the word count.jpg )
109217
>>109214
You gave me a positive review? What prayer did Cthulhu answer? Anyways thanks for the assistance.

I'm trying to set up Vinyl, Octavia, and Rhythmic as secondary characters and they will get their time later. They aren't going to be all important to the plot but I sorta want scenes with them for later which isn't something I can do if they are off touring. Still if you think I'm adding garnish with no flavor I'll see what can be revised.

I never intended for Rarity to come off as hateful. I guess I'm really out of touch with my writing. I intended for her to regret putting a high profile fashion boutique in farm country sure, but hate... well I don't see it. But then I'm all biased and shit so yeah.

Thanks for the assistance and I'll try and fix the story up the best I can.
>> No. 109223
>>109215
Well, if you want to get technical, it's pretty much a whole new story. I used one of the chapters from a previous version, but even that has been revamped.

In fact, if Seattle wanted to take a look, he has nothing to fear anymore. All humans have been purged with fire. :)
>> No. 109225
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109225
>>108976
>Chapter 1 and 2, and all other corrections
I'll pretty much take this all on board. (Guardsmen, wtf, Var?)

>Chapter 3,
Ha, glad you like Luna. I loved writing that part.
>re: the Horizon
The thing about the dream is that I wrote everything with having more then one meaning. The horizon does represent death, but that's not the deepest meaning. The Garden represents Celestia's life, and the horizon represents where those she knew leave her life. Being immortal, death is one of the main reasons (such as the pegasus on the cloud), but often it just means the ponies are going off and living their own lives. Twilight departing with her friends was, in my mind, Season 1 Episode 2, where she left to live in Ponyville.

That's not to say your interpretation doesn't hold weight - after all, Celestia and Twilights chase ultimately lead to a tree of Ambrosia, food of the gods. This will be explored in greater detail next chapter, as it happens.

>Chapter 4
>Freudian confusion and angst
Naturally! I'll point out that technically Celestia's safer interpretation of the dream - while not perfectly honest with herself - is a valid interpretation I had in mind as I wrote it.

>Chapter 5
>Hmm. I note you’re becoming much more utilitarian in style. Interesting.
That's probably a mix between the several months of a hiatus between chapters, and Vimbert yelling "Fuck your adverbs!" in an audio review of the initial draft.
>Rubicon steps
Yes, that's meant to mean point of no return. It's one of those things where I know most people won't get it, but you throw it in anyway for the one who does.

Thank you for your praise of my Celestia. I've had to put a lot of thought into where the lines are drawn with her, and actually settled on wounding her because I thought it'd be one of the more interesting ways of exploring how she might react in a stressful situation she has no control over, and a limited capacity to help others, but without a big antagonist distracting the reader from the characters (I dunno how I might tackle a Dark/Adventure with her with that in mind, though I have a few ideas). Chapter 5 was great fun to explore there, with her pushing her boundaries despite Twilight as she dived off that bridge. As fun as the bath scene was to tease Twilight, that was the real moment that made the chapter, imo.

Considering I started writing Luna before S2, I'm super glad you like her delivery. Meek Luna never made sense to me - a meek Luna would never have become Nightmare Moon.

I'm curious as to what you thought about how I presented Twilight - there's a couple of niggly things I'm trying to tighten up, but then there's some other things that related to what happened in the experiment that are now informing Twilight's actions, which is to be explained next chapter.

>The overtures are clear, you are definitely picking up the pace towards “the conversation” between the two.
One of my big worries was the fact that, imo, they only need one solid conversation between them to resolve things. That conversation isn't too far off, but I think it'll still surprise people - one of the big things about this story is how much baggage both Twilight and Celestia have in the way before they can be comfortable in a relationship. Celestia's dream showed it obliquely, and next chapter will be diving right into the thick of it.

> I look forward to a chapter raw and visceral.
I look forward to your response on Chapter 6, then~
>> No. 109270
>>109217
>I'm trying to set up Vinyl, Octavia, and Rhythmic as secondary characters and they will get their time later.
You should probably have them interact more with Sweetie Belle, then.

On another note, your story works a lot better without the cheesy weather report and starting with Rarity making dresses. However, you should establish the scenery inside the boutique so that Rarity's not weaving dresses inside of a Foot Locker.
>> No. 109285
>>109270
I'll be sure to do that. The weather report was boring and I only added it out of necessity to set up the scene but I'll try and clean that up. I'll also consider adding interaction between the characters but I'm worried it will shift the focus away from the plot and bore readers. I'll do my best plus I've sent it into eqd so even if I fail I'll at least have some other input. Thanks a bundle.
>> No. 109332
You said I should post this here, so here it is.

I assume this is permissible, as there's nothing happening in the contest that this could matter to.

If this is seriously not cool of me to do, let me know and I'll delete this post.

Long Live the Queen
[Sad]
3700 words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N8wDqUyLt2ZX8Xrz9_03U3n2BUuaq7QYH5tABZTRj08/edit
>> No. 109339
File 134121111747.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
109339
>>109332
>Implying that I give two shits about the integrity of Roger's write-off
I'll throw this on the pile with Jake's re-write of Bloodline (>>108839) and maybe even get these out by tomorrow night.
>> No. 109353
File 134123315410.jpg - (129.14KB , 800x750 , 89278 - artist razplus twilight_sparkle.jpg )
109353
Hello there, this is a review request for what I fear is a train wreck.

Title: Dear Diary... I'm Moving On
[Slice of Life][Light-Sad]
Synopsis: Dear diary, I'm moving on, yet there's so much I fear. Yours, Twilight Sparkle.
2.5k words
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GquAI3dGcKnM8poVj00za0qMRIzXj1NzXiQ7scoC9oY/edit
>> No. 109375
I've been trudging along in a rut of self doubt for the last few weeks, so I figure posting in a non-compromising review thread might be just what I need.

1) Title: Autumn

2) Tags: Romance, Bittersweet

3) Synopsis: When Apple Bloom finally asks about the origin of Big Mac's age old catchphrase, she discovers the origin of the simple word "eeyup" runs deeper than she could have imagined.

4) Word count: 7,696 (at present)

5) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qCRkllFlg6ptjdbkPfQeiZHhkNuIIYfejChml_5ChZ4/edit

This is my return to Third Person Past perspective after a long bout of First Person Present, so I'm a tad concerned about the quality of the narrative. Comments on that would be greatly appreciated. Other than that, have at it!

Thanks for your time.
>> No. 109376
>>109375

Oh yeah! In the interest of obeying the sticky, this is also going to be chilling in the Training Grounds queue as well.
>> No. 109424
File 134128425111.png - (139.50KB , 480x268 , This is what Rock \'n Roll Looks Like.png )
109424
>>108839
Plot Synopsis
Someone's going around murdering everyone in Ponyville.

Critiques
My only real "problem" with the prologue, really, is that the dialogue sort of got interrupted by a description of the bar, so the timing of the joke kind of got thrown off. Other than that, I'm not exactly sure how a pony is supposed to be stabbing another, but they can wield lances and stuff in the show, so I really don't care about that point (but would like some clarification, maybe, that it IS a pony in the opening).

But congratulations: your opening prologue gripped me to a point where I'd actually consciously choose to read the second chapter (if I read pony fic for fun anymore) if I weren't loosely tied to the story via service. That's pretty much the biggest compliment I can give this story, and you've made massive strides in the right direction since Bloodline. If you choose to resubmit this, I'll make sure it's counted as a new story because, frankly, that's what it is at this point.

Anyway, my critiques of the story proper is as follows:

-You need to be more specific over which ponies Celestia is disdainful over, and why, because in chapter 2, if feels out of character for her to seem so... scornful of ponies.


And that's basically it. Give this another re-read if you want, because there's some awkward phrasing here and there (on top of what I highlighted), but really... this is great work, man. The restructuring of the story's scenes work to a point where they actually flow into one another (except that little bit with Lickity that I mentioned). You worked hard on this, and it shows.
>> No. 109428
File 134128503854.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
109428
>>109332
Plot Synopsis: Something to do with archaeology or something.

Critiques: I really couldn't get past the passive present tense in the intro on this one. It was boring, like being recited something out of a dry history textbook, and it failed to grip me. I'm going to cut this short at the first scene break because, really, you need to retrofit this with active tense and focus on immersing the reader.

Try to avoid "lazy narration," as informal prose is ironically difficult to pull off, give this a thorough cleansing of the passive tense (consider moving to past tense), and try again.
>> No. 109432
>>109428
>this is unreadably bad, go to the back of the line

Disappointed though I am, one avenue of improvement is better than zero. Besides, this was a contest entry, it was bound to have problems. Still miffed that I'm being told to go to the back of the bus with only a single "this sucks, fix it," but it's your thread. I'll be back with this tomorrow or maybe the next day.
>> No. 109436
File 134129028850.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
109436
>>109432
I gave you two things to work on, two very important things that keep your story from being engaging to me. I don't really appreciate the sentiment that I have to waste time deeply analyzing the entirety of a "D" when I can point out, one page in, that there are some glaring flaws that need to be addressed before it'd actually be worth my time to analyze the story.
>> No. 109437
>>109436

Oh no, it's just that I'm a twitchy impatient one. The rate at which your thread moves is downright prodigous so I suppose I don't need to complain about the "back of the line" business.

Now my own solution to the intro, before I read your advice, was to drastically shorten the intro- slash it in half or even less because it largely is irrelevant to the rest. Would this be a solution? Maybe not. I also don't fully get the difference between passive and regular ol' first peron narration, or maybe that's what you meant.

I didn't mean to make demands. I'll bring this back in a very different form.
>> No. 109440
>>109437
Passive narration is where you overuse linking verbs, basically, instead of action verbs. For example,

>"I don’t know why this happened to me. I'm really just a grown-up history student who happens to enjoy field trips. I’m the least qualified and least experienced of my entire team, and half the time when we go out on these oh-so-exciting expeditions, I’m relegated to the role of packmule."

Let's break this down:

>I don’t know why this happened to me.
Is pointless as we don't know what "this" or "me" means in this sentence. "Happened" is technically an action verb, true, but it's like a fucked up flipper baby action verb because it doesn't really explain what happens, just that something DID happen. It's basically a "being verb for action," if that makes any sense. Something like "I don't know why I got chosen to be in that mining team" or something would be a lot better, as it at least says WHAT happened.

>I'm really just a grown-up history student who happens to enjoy field trips.
This sort of forced characterization technically adds to the story, but it lacks subtlety. Note the "I am" at the beginning. That could be mitigated by shortening the "I like field trips" into the first half of a more pressing, plot-related thought. E.g., "I usually enjoyed archaeological expeditions, but this time, things took a turn for the worse."

>I’m the least qualified and least experienced of my entire team, and half the time when we go out on these oh-so-exciting expeditions, I’m relegated to the role of packmule.
Again, you could imply "least qualified and experienced" by saying something like, "I'm the low pony on the totem pole, which is why I'm carrying everyone else's gear."


Granted, those aren't perfect examples (I'm bad at writing present tense, but present tense is bad for writing stories, so I don't really practice it), but I hope to showcase that it's possible to have more details to the sentences than is actually in the sentences themselves.
>> No. 109445
File 134130395459.jpg - (143.61KB , 800x800 , 130282454835.jpg )
109445
>>108928
Okay, jumping right in here.


>a sourceless breeze.
What? Is she in some limbo? This is clearly intentionally amorphous, but leaves the reader wondering wtf. Not a good combination.

>The bubbles on her flank contrasted her darker gray body
This is clunky. Smooth it out in a manner like-
The bright bubbles on her flank stood in stark contrast to the dark gray of her coat,
or some such.

>if it weren't for her gentle breathing, her form may have been lost in the fog.
This is unclear. Are you saying that her breath is blooming out in the mist, or that without the rise and fall of her chest she’d be immobile?

>As calm as if she had remarked that the sky were blue
This is a fragment, semicolon it to the previous sentence, or expand it.

Suddenly Derpy’s a mage of some sort. Wtf?

>much more
This is always bad phrasing. Go with “far more”.

Be consistent in your stylistic denotation of book titles. Usually you go with italics, but you miss it a couple of times.

Unless it’s absolutely necessary and adds greatly to the organic flow of the narration, avoid beginning narrative sentences with conjunctions.

>Spike calling Twilight beautiful.
Well, that came out of nowhere.

In direct address, place a comma before the name or title.

Your scenic exposition is decent, if a bit flat (by which I mean you reinforce what the reader expects [TS’s library for example], but you add nothing new), but fails badly in conveying body language, which holds a great deal of weight in setting the emotional tone, sparing your narrative from having to do so.

With Applejack, “Ah” replaces “I”, and thus needs to be capitalized.

By halfway, I’m seeing you have a pretty systemic issue with comma splices.

>"Well hey there Rainbow!" Said Applejack

>
"Well hey there, Rainbow!” said Applejacl

Out of all your characterization, Dash is your weakest point. Practice this.

Do yourself a favor and italicize the letters to make the differentiation more distinct.

Why do you capitalize Alicorn, but not the other pony races? Either back this up, or drop it.

>“My faithful student, the history of my race is fraught with intrigue and drama, please stop your research about it”
Oh yes, because that’s PRECISELY the tact a nigh-immortal ruler would take to defuse her incessantly curious student’s interest in something.

>Twilight said her beloved teacher's name with all the weight of the world.
This conveys the meaning, but is quite clunky.

>"So...what
There is always a space after mid-sentence ellipses. As so-
>”So… what

>Seeing her friend leave, Twilight had the distinct impression that her troubles had just begun.
You’re forcing the ominous here.

>none less
You mean “no less”

>Why did– oh.”
An Em dash is used for appositives and sentence breaks, and there is no space before or after them. Carve this knowledge into your very soul.

>The EoH
>the magic made to protect the kingdom?
That’s quite the assumptive leap you’re taking there, and you give balls-all to back it up.

>imag--"
This works, but if you learned to make the Em dash character, it’d be a lot better.

>Apple Jack.
What. No. Applejack.

End ch1. So it seems you have an interesting play going, but so far you’ve yet to hook me. I mean, the concept is there, and I expect the momentum to build, but it’s a bit more bland than it has any right to be at this point. The first chapter could really use some sharpening up in regards to the intensity of Twilight’s curiosity, her concern at Celestia’s first-time-ever denial of information, and her internal struggle with deciding to pursue the information of the mysterious mare over her mentor’s wishes. Movin on to Ch 2-

>Well, she could either walk up and down the tree-line, tire herself out, and possibly miss her contact, or she could stay here and wait.
Or she could, y’know, light her horn or something.

You’re missing a lot of opportunity to Show more and set a more engrossing atmosphere. Prime example-
>The creatures of the forest could now be heard, but none were seen.

>royal blue coat
You need to create a compound here: royal-blue. Otherwise logic dictates she is a royal, with a blue coat. You have several other compound hyphenation misses in both chapters 1 and 2.

>but  I believe
stray space

I really suggest a stylus break more substantial that an extra couple spaces for scene transitions. I’ve always been fond of centered ~~~ myself.

>We're trapped!" Yelled Applejack.
I won’t be denoting any more of these tagging mistakes, but know that you’ve have several scattered about.

>She had let them Blink.
Now where have I seen this before.

End 2. Short chapter. You’re picking up the pacing, but still not really fulfilling the severity of what’s about to unfold.

Chapter 3-

>"Excuse me?" She said.
Remember how I said I’d not be noting any more of these? Well, I lied. In chapter one they were a notable issue, in chapter two they became systemic, and now they’re fucking everywhere. Dude, get high after you finish writing. Not before.

>an extra long sleep
This line cheapens the depths you’re trying to convey.

STOP DOING FRAGMENTS OH MY GOD WHAT THE SHIT. STOOOOOOP.

>Celestia peered around the door frame. "Luna? How are you?"
I’M TIRED BITCH FUCK OFF. … heh, sorry. But Luna just got to sleep. I hate mornings.

>"Do you regret anything you've done?"
Wow Celly, asshole much?

Hmm. Well, end 3. Previous concerns of tone still stand.
So then… Well, I’m out of alcohol, and thus my fuel is equally expired. Tell you what mate, go ahead and make the fixes, and at least consider acting on the thematic recommendations, and I’ll do you another few chapters if you’re inclined to seek further pretentious advice from me. Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 109451
Hello again, Seattle and NickNack. I am here with my first attempt at a non-sad fic!

Title: Fine Tuning
Genre: Slice of Life, I'm thinking.
Synopsis: Octavia has been tuning her cello for way too long, and Lyra is getting sick of it.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16nlew-c7MA-XkBXY6vYjfAKMzTZHxhYs1zsI2Hj1dKg/edit
Word Count: 6587

Like I said, first attempt at a non-sad fic. Bottom line is, I'm hoping this is entertaining and not completely boring.

Thanks to whoever decides to grab this.
>> No. 109452
File 134131000691.jpg - (45.41KB , 457x759 , 36566 - pinkie_pie_head_explode.jpg )
109452
>>109424
>new review posted
>expecting the worst
>kind words from NickNack
>mine countenance whereupon

Thank you. Yes, I plan to resubmit, but I'm going to wait until I have the next chapter done. It's where I introduce the OC main character, the "eccentric" pony mentioned in the second chapter. It's done, just have to run it through the pre-reader ringer. EqD does prefer that, right? To have as many chapters as possible before submitting?
>> No. 109472
>>109440

Okay, thanks for that. I'm not completely married to the first person, but it does have a purpose- it switches to third person because most of the story is a flashback sequence. I thought... the signalling of the different POV by literally changing the POV of the narration...
>> No. 109565
I recently sent this first chapter of my story to ED for approval, and got rejected as expected.

Title: Equestrian Century Alicorn Gundam
Genre: Crossover, Sci-fi, Dark, Human
Characters: OC, Shining Armor, Rainbow Dash, Trixie, Gilda
Word count: 9680
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D0AjNMtgM1qQoHXUUyk5In9qhMLYIgcaDu-K5hKJRK0/edit
Summary: Equestria used to be a very different place...
While gathering plants with Zecora, Twilight Sparkle stumbles on the ruins of an ancient civilization and the last survivor of said civilization, a human. The human's appearance brings with it many questions about Equestria's ancient history but also danger.

The evil that destroyed human civilization has re-awakened and the only thing that can save Equestria is a mysterious weapon known as Gundam.

Also if it will help, here's my rejection letter from ED.


Dear author or authors,

I cannot recommend this story be posted on Equestria Daily at this point in time.

Simply put, you shouldn't have blown a strike on a "maybe" that you weren't sure of the chances on. But, that's hindsight, so I won't sit here and say "I told you so." I will, however, tell you that you should probably run this story through a few reviewers on /fic/ before resubmitting it.

As for what you did wrong that I noticed: the lame weather report and "Celestia's sun" in the first sentence put me on guard. Both devices are so cliche at this point, it makes them hard to take seriously. After that, you didn't really do much scene building, the pacing feels way too fast (Twilight discovers the Gundams or whatever on like page three? Slow down and establish more of a story, then ease into the conflict), and your writing style leaves a lot to be desired. For example,

“Twilight?! Twilight! Where are you?!” Twilight recognized the panicked cries as Spike’s.

“I’m down here, Spike!” Twilight called back up the slope, “Watch out for the mud! I slipped and ended up down here by…” Twilight turned as she spoke and trailed off as she saw where she had landed.

There's a lot of repetition of the word "Twilight" here, which could've been avoided with pronouns and/or reading this story out loud to see where such stilted narration lies.

As I said before, this is your first strike out of three. I recommend you get a review or two on /fic/, then work on the pacing some more, then maybe try again. This story needs a lot of work as-is, so I doubt it'll get in on the second attempt unless you really work for it. As with all of my doubts, though, I love to be proven wrong.

Good luck.

Signed,
Prereader SR-388

Can you help me?
>> No. 109569
>>109565
Haha, wow. I gotta give you credit for thoroughness if nothing else mate.
1) Read the sticky. You may not post in multiple review threads without notifying the reviewers.
2) It's considered extremely poor form to make requests from more than two reviewers at one time.
3) We have to deny your review request for reasons undisclosed.
So sorry, good luck elsewhere.
>> No. 109577
>>109451

Also, I just dropped this in Golden Vision's review thread.
>> No. 109583
File 134136455350.jpg - (48.54KB , 500x533 , 134091691972.jpg )
109583
Title: Scribes Are Weird.

Genre: Adventure, Slice Of Life.

Synopsis: Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, though he has doubts about his own skills. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to transcribe the events involving the Elements of Harmony, Ghost sees it as a chance for a fresh start. But when Ghost arrives, he has no idea what exploits the Elements of Harmony are always up to.

Word count: 5878

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

Notes (PLEASE READ THIS SECTION): Just a few things. Yes, the idea has been done so much, you wanna take it out back and shoot it. No, this is not a self-insert.(You probably won't believe me, but it's not. I made my Oc's name before I came to Ponychan and decided to use it as my name. While, yes, I do tend to put a small aspect of my own personality into a character to make it a little easier to write, Ghostwriter is only based on my own insecurity as a writer. The rest of him is original.) Spike is not a scribe, at least not in the way that I'm using the word. The definition of a scribe is: a person who writes books or documents by hand as a profession and helps the city keep track of its records. You may have already known this, but I've already had to explain this to two people... It gives me a bad feeling... Anyway, I Gave it my best shot. So far, (After severely editing the thing for huge grammar mistakes) I've gotten okay reviews. (Mostly everyone warns me I'm walking a fine line.) I currently have this story in Golden Vision's queue, but one more can't hurt. (Or it could rip it to shreds like a battle axe, but hey)

Anyway, if you can, I would love some help. Bye!
>> No. 109585
>>109424
One more quick thing: which joke was interrupted by description? Berry's at the beginning? And how so?
>> No. 109588
>>109445
Awesome, thanks for the feedback. Looking over it quickly, it's all justified and it will give me something to review on the otherwise boring plane ride tomorrow. I'll come back with some results. I did just update all the chapters with some edits I had caught myself, but it looks like I didn't do it before you got to it, haha. Look at you being on top of everything.

I'll respond more in depth once I've made corrections, but thank you very much for your review and I'll see you quite soon with some revisions.
>> No. 109606
>>109569
Seems I can't do anythign right, not even getting help for my horrendous writing...

guess it's time to give up and stop being a writer.
>> No. 109607
>>109606
That's not the right attitude to have.

You managed to write (literally) over 9000 words. That's at least saying something. You had the patience to sit down and concentrate on working out the details of a story. You just momentarily forgot how to be patient when you came to /fic/.

So, what's it going to be? Personally, I'd rather you got that 'tude straightened out and have you leave happily with better writing skills and a better story (for all our unprofessional skills are worth) than have you persist in tantrum-ing out on us, in which case the requests you've made have no reason to be there.

I'll still review your story, if you can be patient enough to wait until I return from my vacation to read that review.

To Seattle/NickNack: apologies for stepping on your lawn, amigos.
>> No. 109609
>>109606

Get rid of that attitude. This isn't even the sort of situation that should be handled with a gentle "Come on now, believe in yourself" mentality; Wilson here is wallowing in self-pity and he needs to knock it off.

Wilson, I'm going to be blunt: suck it up. You screwed up; so what? The first couple of stories I wrote in this fandom were so outright terribly that I'm ashamed to admit they exist. When I first started posting on Ponychan, I got a temporary ban because I didn't understand the rules. You admit fault, you apologize, and you move on. That's what I did, and that's how mature adults should act. Be a man, hmm?
>> No. 109610
I parrot Demetrius: apologies for the intrusion.
>> No. 109611
>>109606
Yeah, like... Seattle doesn't want it in our queue because it's a mild conflict of interest, not because you're bad at writing.

But basically, whether you think you have potential as a writer or whether you think you''re a failure, you're right. The only change is your outlook on the situation.

>>109607
No worries, mang.

>>109610
Who the hell are you again?
>> No. 109615
>>109611

Wow, I double posted with the wrong image. I've gotten bad at Ponychan.

I was a reviewer here for awhile, but I sort of dropped off the map when life interfered with it.
>> No. 109617
>>109607
>>109609
>>109611
You're right. I'm sorry.

There's no excuse for how I act. If you're willing to review then thank you, but I won't blame you if you decide to just drop it and look at somethign else.

I need to sleep now
>> No. 109633
Okay. I've done some work on removing passive voice, and I've made the intro quite a bit shorter.

Sorry for my attitude last time. I have nothing but respect for both of your work.

Long Live the Queen

[Sad] though it's not really a sadfic per se, I don't know quite what to tag this as.

Same ~3500 words as before.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N8wDqUyLt2ZX8Xrz9_03U3n2BUuaq7QYH5tABZTRj08/edit
>> No. 109639
Title: Beyond Equestria - Prologue and Chapter One

Genre: Adventure, Crossover, Comedy

Synopsis: A new filly in Ponyville in search of adventure and mad loot plays a game with her friends.

Words: 5,467

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nohEtfVcnalxkXt5HZ7TMqf1MCMJ4w6uhQLqD6_niSs/edit

Comments: After looking through Fimfic and finding out about Hoofstuck I can see this idea has been attempted quite a few times already. I still think my story has some new ideas to offer.
Criticism is very welcome. I know I have some verb tense issues that I'd like to iron out. Apologies if neither of you are fans of crossovers or Homestuck. Just give me a fair shake. Enjoy!
>> No. 109756
>>109353
Just to let you know, I'm also posting this in Soundlikeponies'/Nicholas' review thread.
>> No. 109833
>>109353
Scratch this if you will. I'm abandoning this fic and I'd rather you not waste your time. Thanks anyway.
>> No. 109848
Title: Castle Walls
Tags: fuck if I know, dark, war, cliche as fuck
Synopsis: In an Equestria fractured by the disappearance of the princesses, Twilight Sparkle sits on an uneasy throne. Beleagued by her own doubts and usurpers, she must knit together old friendships, and forge new ones to keep the land together.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X7-UvvRxMRkbFE4PohR6nsPRTD1dJn1OBMjhTm8jdX0/edit
Wordcount: 4422

Requesting Seattle to annoy him.
>> No. 109957
File 134155752917.jpg - (769.65KB , 1920x1080 , twidash_flight_scene_of_friendship_by_derpiihooves-d4ks2p4.jpg )
109957
There wasn't anything about resubmissions, so...

Title: Flying High, Falling Hard
Tags: Romance, Slice of Life
Synopsis: When Rainbow Dash crashes into the library one too many times, Twilight ends up helping her train for the upcoming Best Young Flier Competition.
Word Count: Chapter 1: 3,500; Chapter 2: 3,200
Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Od3VVS4W3MlJxczTjaQJseEkHy-hHvtYwtg_yF4_iZE/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1psaNFAoH9MlmoL6VWqeMT_Rz-jqZbGsRNERnctECX4E/edit

EqD response:
Cute story, but still not quite there. The piece has been edited quite a bit since i've last seen it and I do see the improvement. Pacing is good, Twilight and Dash's relationship no longer feels forced and rushed. The premise itself works, no issues there. Mechanically, the story does alright, nothing beyond a few awkwardly worded sentences here and there stand out (I will mention though that the comments at the end of chapter two should be removed). Stylistically, this is where the story falters, it was the basis for why I sent the story away before and it seems I must do so again. Issues with show versus tell are still present in the story, the writing lacks a certain pop, something that makes it stand out. Character actions are probably the biggest culprit, the author should try to avoid the "she did this, she did that, then this happened" style of writing that shows up in many submissions we see. Everything the characters do are already there in the story (obviously), but the issue isnt with what they do, it's how it's described. The story has the foundation for itself but it needs to breath more life into what is being described, the later chapters did a better job of this, once it delves into shipping the story has more to work with, more emotion and more feeling. It's the simpler moments, the earlier chapters that have difficulty standing out and being really interesting and engaging. Twilight coaching Dash is just that, Twilight helps Dash learn to fly better, its light-hearted and cute but the way it is now I'm only just witnessing it, I'm not experiencing it because it fails to pull me in as a reader. This being the second strike of three, I advise putting as much work into the piece as possible before resubmitting, it's closer than its been before so just keep at it.

So my next submission is going to be the third strike, so I need to bring this up to EqD level before that. I've spent 3 months revising this fic, and I've worked very hard, possibly harder than anyone, to get it on there.

Second response after asking for examples:

>"Dash closed her eyes and braced for impact. She crashed into the trees branches, that scratched her wings. She hit a thick branch that stuck out right before the drop down to the grass and stopped. The branch knocked the wind out of her. She groaned and hung limply onto it, her legs dangling over either side, and her head spinning."

Like I said before, the issue isnt with what happens, just the way it is described. Dash crashing into the tree is just that, Dash crashes into the tree, it doesnt paint a picture unique to the story, I can picture Dash crashing into that tree in any number of ways the way it's described currently. Is Dash tumbling end over end, tearing smaller branches from their limbs and sending leaves flying in all directions as she rips through the foliage at high speeds? When she hits the branch, does she lurch forward on immediate impact, the branch cracking slightly and creaking with the now added weight? What we have now gets the job done, it lets me know what happens, but it lacks that certain element that makes me take notice, makes me see it in the way the story really wants me to see it. Now that I think about it...

>"Dash shook her head to clear the stars she was seeing. She could hear Twilight grinding her teeth. 'Yeah, sorry about that.' Dash rubbed the back of her neck."

Dash seems to be perfectly fine after her crash, doesnt that contradict what was previously described? Dash got the wind knocked out of her, that tends to hurt, a lot. Vague moments like that dont help things, but the core of the issue isnt even present throughout the story, the story does have moments where it gives a clear and descriptive picture: Dash crashing for the second time in chapter one, the training exercises in chapter two, etc.. Read through the story and try to see it from the perspective of a reader, as you're reading, consider what is being said and how that translates into what you see in your head. Is it being descriptive enough? Is it clearly understood? Is it what youwant the readers to see? Simply put, is it showing us instead of retreating back to that tried and true method of telling us and then moving on with the story but without really adding anything to it? Like I said before, the story is closer than it's been before, it doesnt need a complete overhaul, there's already been plenty of editing in that regard. What I'm looking for now is the part that edges the story in the right direction, those extra little details that give the story more personality and life and makes it rise above the many other standard fics that dont leave much of an impression.

- Pre-reader #12
>> No. 109960
File 134155863432.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
109960
>>109375
>>109451
>>109565
>>109583
>>109639
>>109848
>>109957

Fuck.... when did we get a queue?
>> No. 109964
>>109960

>Next

Oh sh-
>> No. 110108
File 134167072254.png - (59.02KB , 241x241 , 130221871776.png )
110108
>>109451
Pretty much all notes left in doc. Just a couple things and overall assessment below.

I have to compliment you on your evolution with grammar and dialogue rule.

>infernal unicorn magic
So Octy’s a racist? This goes a bit beyond overprotective, the way it’s phrased.

The biggest issue is that the conflict starts to get pretty tedious as Lyra ruminates and moans endlessly, and gets to feel a bit absurd when she has a panic attack over the thought of Octavia tuning much longer. It just goes on and on and on. By the time she goes to see the prof, it’s become a full on case of calling an ant hill a mountain. It gets especially ‘wat’ when it’s clear that instead of sitting there angsting for an hour she could have just gone to the library, or pretty much anything else. The whole thing just feels forced.

You want this piece to be engaging, switch tack and actually have Lyra get forceful with Octavia. Create some drama, have a throw-down argument. SOMETHING. Honestly, half way through, I’m thinking the best thing that could happen is if the prof strolls into their dorm room and breaks Octavia’s cello over his knee.

The performance scene rings incredibly narm.

Incidentally, I have no sense of time in this thing. Is it supposed to be entirely AU, or take place on the canon timeline? If so, before or after the show?

Overall, to be perfectly frank, this thing feels like it needs to be about 3k words shorter to maintain any semblance of engaging pacing. As for your tag, yeah, Slice o Life would be the only applicable choice. Cheers mate, keep writing.
>> No. 110115
>>110108

Hmm. Well, not bad for a first attempt, I guess? Let me try to reply this in a coherent way this early in the morning (well, early for me. I hate having to get up for work at 11 <_<. I usually don't get up earlier than noon in the summer).

I suppose what I was going for was taking a somewhat ridiculous comment and having Lyra overreact to it. I think I tried to make it clear Lyra wants to get Octavia to stop tuning NOW, and make sure she won't tune that long in the future, which is why she went to get the professor. That's why she couldn't just go to the library, because she didn't want to have to leave her dorm room every time Octavia decided to practice.

Maybe what hurt me here was relying too heavily on the absurdity of the situation rather than creating drama. I tried to paint Octavia as somepony who Lyra really COULDN'T confront, or she was trying to go about solving her problem in a more reasonable way. I was hoping that the absurdity could take the place of the drama.

So yeah, absurdity was what I was going for. I felt like I HAD to make it ridiculous in order to be entertaining. I'm not sure if this is an explanation, or an excuse, or whatever. Do you think there's any way I could carry the fic on this alone? Do I need to hammer it in more to make it come across better? Or tone it down a bit and try to create actual drama?

The performance scene... I really wrote this without an ending in mind (silly me) so that scene just popped into my head. Again, aimed for over the top, fell completely flat, probably. Also used that part as an opportunity to practice my purple.

Maybe it's not too hard, but I have no experience writing drama. Then again, it could be my brain-deadness refusing to give me ideas this early. I'll have to think it over while I'm working today.

Finally, you say you have no sense of timeline in this fic. Now, maybe I'm being incredibly dumb/amateurish here, but I'm not sure if that entirely matters to the conflict. They're both going to music school, so I thought it would come across that it's before the show?

Whew. Another overly long reply to one of my reviews to help organize my thoughts. Hopefully you'll find time to briefly address my thoughts, and I hope I didn't come across as overly defensive and whatnot.

Thanks for your review!
>> No. 110131
File 134167975558.jpg - (14.93KB , 268x222 , 130282582255.jpg )
110131
>>109583
Okay, jumping in. Comments will be in doc, specific whinings will follow.

First whine- Y U NO INDENT. I mean, props for spacing, but without indents, a large paragraph has the aerodynamics of a brick.

Huh. I’ve never worked with you before, have I? Just wondering, as I canna recall. Okay, let’s have a look at your READ THIS FIRST section. Hmm, well, good thing you made mention you wrote the character BEFORE adopting the name.
You… actually had to explain to people what the definition of ‘scribe’ was? I’m… really sorry you had to endure that.
>After severely editing the thing for huge grammar mistakes


Yeah, now it’s going to be your turn to endure, because oh man, we have some issues. That fine line you mentioned? Yep, we’re going to be going with the battle axe. To such an extent that I’m going to note SYSTEMIC (dinna make me define it :P ) errors in-post, and NOT comment on each in doc—because damn.

Ready? Here we go:

Homophone confusion
Dialogue tagging (check out the Editor’s Omnibus on EQD)
Em Dash/Hyphen confusion (Em dashes are for sentence breaks and strong appositives.)
Compound hyphenation misses
For thoughts, use italics and drop quotation marks.
Punctuation misses
Spelling errors
Generally awkward phrasing
Comma placement misses

— Couple other things —

>Brrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
This is your choice of stylus break? Seriously? Honestly man, go with something SLIGHTLY more elegant, if you would. You really couldn’t break reader immersion better if you lobbed a molotov cocktail at it.

>up-most
utmost

You have a straight up anime-style fox-spirit in your story. I cannot tell you how far this throws me.

Couple run on sentences.

And I’m signing off. Yes, I went all the way through to make sure I caught the systemic issues; no, I didn’t give much attention to the characterization or plot because the grammar errors are so intense, so sorry I have nothing to offer you on that front. This thing needs a GREAT deal of work. Study up, edit-sweep the shit out of it, keep practicing, take this around the block a few times, and you’ll have a probably cool story here.
Cheers mate.
>> No. 110143
File 134168452943.png - (152.80KB , 618x329 , 130289464065.png )
110143
>>109848
DONE!
Many comments left in doc.


Strong points-
Political intrigue, and the interplay therein
Blue horse is best horse, and she has a sword. Awesome.
Rarity’s a powr-hungry bitch.
Awesome other-nation/race stuff.
Actually made me curious about the cliffhanger ending.

Bad points-
In doc
You don’t even attempt to address wtf happened to the Princesses, nor how exactly TS is/was qualified to rule.
You were right, premise is cliche as fuck.
No info on fates of other main pone
Multiple plot holes, not including Trixie's gaping femoral artery

Overall, I rather enjoyed it, though I suspect that may be in fair part because it was you writing it. Imma go pass out from exhaustion now. Kthxbai.
>> No. 110148
>>110143

Hey, did you guys happen to miss me in the queue?
>> No. 110158
>>110148
>Hey, did you guys happen to miss me in the queue?
Nope! Nick an I split it up, and I knocked out my end like a boss.
We're still haggling over who's dealing with the most recent submission, or if we can even accept it at all, given the potential conflict of interest.
>> No. 110166
>>110158

What conflict of interest, if I might ask?
>> No. 110167
>>110166
I agree, we might not be the authors but why a conflict exists is bewildering unless you were pre-assigned to pre-reading, which makes little sense with the ever increasing assimilation.

Or is it that you have reviewed this too often?
>> No. 110168
>>110167

I've actually never submitted this for reviewing; it was only completed about a week ago. I was once rejected by a pre-reader that used the moniker "Seattle," so that was my first guess, but this Seattle said that wasn't him.
>> No. 110171
>>110166
of course you may friend, see below

>>110167
Because PR's often ask for second or four opinions when it's not a hard and fast suggestion. They do their absolute utmost to deliver as unbiased decision as possible. Honestly, most of them are incredibly intellectually honest. It's kind of duty to render an informed reply. Does that make sense?

>>110168
I'm sorry for joking with you like that. I have a genetic mutation for high grade sarcasm. No slight intended. I did PR your work. Speaking of, why didn't you resubmit yet?
>> No. 110174
>>110171

Oh, no worries; I love sarcasm. have a tendency to sit on stories for a long time after they're rejected. In fact, I spent more than a month getting A Rose Reverie reviewed before I submitted it for my third time. I don't want to waste any strikes, and I certainly don't want to waste the PR's time considering how many stories you have to get to at any time, so I'm delaying.

>Cue fear that I'm derailing this thread

Was it actually anywhere near posting quality? Because I'd like to resubmit soon; I'm just concerned about it since it's so different from my usual writing style.
>> No. 110175
>>110174
Have you addressed the specific issues I noted? If so, then send it in. I had it the first round, I'll take it the second. Your made a solid and rational defense for your stylistic choices. Totally admirable. Send it in.
>> No. 110176
>>110175

I'm in the process of addressing them now, as a matter of fact. If you've got the time and patience, would you mind meeting me in-doc for a little while so I can make sure I understand which grammar issues you brought up? Totally understandable if you think that would be inappropriate.
>> No. 110179
>>110176
I'm sorry, but it kinda would. PR coaching on a one-on-one basis is somewhat frowned upon, seeing as how it opens the door for calls of favoritism. Now I feel bad about this. :/
>> No. 110180
>>110179

Hey, not a problem at all; I understand that it would raise eyebrows. I'll do my best to correct the issues on my own.
>> No. 110184
>>110179
Prereaders read, review, and accept each other's stories, all of them done faster than normal people. In fact, some normal writers as well (Chromosome comes to mind, but he is a pre-reader now).

There are some people that get to bypass the pre-readers all together, not base on quality but popularity.

Some genres have less stringent requirements than others for no other reason than being them.

Point is, favoritism can easily be argued for any of those (mostly incorrectly, I hope am right to say), so the way I see it helping out people like this looks much better that many things unlisted. Funny how that works.
>> No. 110185
>>110184
>Prereaders read, review, and accept each other's stories, all of them done faster than normal people
Every PR has a choice which story he/she picks up, despite the size of the queue. No different from reviewers. Acceptance comes only if consensus is reached, because they tend to be much more closely examined than most other submissions. We're more harsh on one another than most anyone. Truth.

>There are some people that get to bypass the pre-readers all together, not base on quality but popularity.
You're going to have to cite that, because I've never seen such a thing. (EQD side fics don't count, we don't see those)

>Some genres have less stringent requirements than others for no other reason than being them.
As in ones that have been done to death vs those that haven't? Of course they do.

>Funny how that works.
You're completely bridging topics here. It's not subtle. The issue is a clear conflict of interest, the particular author having nothing to do with it at all.
>> No. 110209
File 134170978162.png - (2.48MB , 1300x1500 , the_great_and_powerful_trixie_____by_ponykillerx-d4kzanj.png )
110209
>>110143
>Strong points-
>Political intrigue, and the interplay therein
>Blue horse is best horse, and she has a sword. Awesome.
She does.

>Rarity’s a powr-hungry bitch.
>Awesome other-nation/race stuff.
>Actually made me curious about the cliffhanger ending.

>Bad points-
>You don’t even attempt to address wtf happened to the Princesses,
I guess it really isn't fair to say "that'll come later" is it?

>nor how exactly TS is/was qualified to rule.
I have this one thought out vaguely (unlike the princesses, which I have no idea what I'm going to do) but there was no point in the opening chapter that I felt like it fit in with the topics discussed. It will be addressed at... some point? I hate rationalizing it that way...

>You were right, premise is cliche as fuck.
>No info on fates of other main pone
>Multiple plot holes, not including Trixie's gaping femoral artery
Trixie is... going to be explained. No spoilers here, but if you email me asking nicely I might.

>>Overall, I rather enjoyed it, though I suspect that may be in fair part because it was you writing it.
>enjoyed it
>because I wrote it
lolwut?
>> No. 110216
Title: The Zodiac Ritual, Chapters 1 & 2
Genre Tags: Slice of Life, Adventure
Synopsis: Due to the Elements of Harmony being smashed while Twilight was trying to activate them in the battle against Nightmare Moon, half of their power was unknowingly transferred to the Bearers. Two months later, Celestia sends thirteen members of the Royal Guard to monitor them for signs of their latent powers beginning to manifest.

The Elements of Harmony cannot be used until the Bearers have fully recovered, but time is not something that the members of the Royal Guard have, for they carry a secret of their own.
Word Count: 14.145
Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B_hHwoHhPO3EVV8ybnVlSTVaWjA/edit

Notes:
-The part you read last time, (the Prologue) has been removed. All of the events from it still occur, but they are conveyed piecemeal throughout the story.
-This story has received a strike at EqD due to me not understanding the pre-reader's feedback. He showed me a grammatical error I was making, but I thought that the only spots I had made it were where he'd pointed out. I have since gone through the story with a fine-tooth comb TWICE to fix the said error, as well as tightening up weaker sections and fixing plot issues. I resubmitted it last Sunday, and am waiting a response.
-I'm only requesting the first two chapters be reviewed. I understand that the story is long and anything more than that would be a lot to ask for.

Let me know if you have any questions.
>> No. 110221
File 134171434520.jpg - (8.02KB , 225x225 , innocent scootaloo.jpg )
110221
>>110216
Hey um, quick question. I somehow have your story marked as open in my seed queue on my home PC. Are you still expecting a review from me or did I just forget to mark it? I made a post in my thread but it got buried.
>> No. 110225
File 134171663452.png - (171.52KB , 1000x1100 , twilight_flashinthepan.png )
110225
>>110221

All my shit got fucked up because Googledocs switched over to Google Drive, but I think the last post you made was something like, "I'll be back to this after I do some more research" about halfway through Chapter 1.

Was I expecting a review from you at this point? No. I'd forgotten that you'd even claimed it. Although if you WANT to do review it again, go nuts.

However, I'd still like Seattle or Nick to look at it. I want brutally honest feedback about whether or not the story stinks like giant smell hobo ass.

Also about what I can do, (if anything) to alleviate said aroma.
>> No. 110230
File 134171837994.png - (466.86KB , 1014x1168 , pinkie pie cupcakes book.png )
110230
Howdy!

I've recently begun looking for a decent review for my story because, well, I feel like I really need it. I can't get better unless I get my work looked at and critiqued, so here's hoping for the best.

Title: Tale of the Nether Drake
Tags: Dark, Adventure (later tags will include Shipping, Tragedy, and Alternate Universe as the story progresses)
Synopsis: When two strangers arrive in Ponyville, the mane 6 and Spike go on a quest to help their new friends in doing right in the world. But what they don't know is that their quest will change the fate of both their world, and a world they never knew existed.
Word Count: Currently: 47,060

Link:
-prologue https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gQEPSa_4ToC9iz7eFtbrVWEFXdLNqEaM7v09COqL2jU/edit
-Chapter 1 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VuhVLl6yEnFnCiuhVaQjDgg6fKXyUe4jyh3o5U4oIBU/edit
-Chapter 2 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tk5I-6QhGibyeNkNELLwHTM1wehi_aEt_JsmVZv1wtc/edit
-Chapter 3 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kkWa0xlA4LzfRPfuqOBZJv3yfVr361ZBxqINOdLgDBE/edit
-Chapter 4 https://docs.google.com/document/d/18YkExfhQtOjCguJ_HtYNug-K1Zb2t9rrmU7fcnQRCqU/edit
-Chapter 5 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1shYHhfWIBFQnnuPp9l2_29LweLqV0EFybCjgHWUSuaA/edit


-On a related note, this story is going to end up being very long, as it already sort of is. If you both feel that this sort of story will be too long to look after... then I understand.
(also this is not WoW)
>> No. 110232
File 134171864615.jpg - (7.84KB , 300x168 , 234-79532.jpg )
110232
>>110225
Seattle and/or Nick would be far more helpful to you anyways. Plus I just don't have the time anymore. Oh I remember now. I was looking up "foalnapped", and just never came back to it. Sorry about that, I hope I was helpful while I had it, but my plate's far too full to pick it up again. Good luck pony.
>> No. 110246
>>103290

Wait... Snails, a rock and a hill? Are you referring what I think you're referring to?
>> No. 110256
>>110131

Oh good my review is in.

>reads it.

... Sigh... excuse me. (Goes to hit head on a rock for 3 hour.)

Alright! As I said to Applejinx, I'm too dumb to quit, so...

REVISIONS AHOY!

Now a small favor if your willing. Could you site an example for the problems you listed. Since I can't seem to recognize them myself, an example would go a long way to helping me understand my mistakes.

If you can't, no problem. I do thank you for taking the time to go over it.

BYE!
>> No. 110279
>>110246
He's referring to this: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2654/Snailsyphus
I used to throw it at new review threads from November to March.
>> No. 110283
>>109957
I should note that I have since spent time going through the chapters with kurbz trying to unstilt the writing in places.
>>110158
Also, is this in reference to my fic?
>> No. 110302
>>110283
Yup

>>110256
I'll make a highlight of each occurrence in doc for you.
>> No. 110325
>>110302
I would very much appreciate it.
>> No. 110327
>>110131
>You have a straight up anime-style fox-spirit in your story. I cannot tell you how far this throws me.

Okay. Few thing here. I do know that Kitsunes are used in anime a lot, but I was actually trying to draw from the ACTUAL Kitsune legends from Japan. I did research on it, mostly because i was concerned that Kitsunes were an evil spirit. They aren't. All the legends very from being tormenting spirits to helpful ones. More often than not they were portrayed as tricksters. Admittedly, i did take a few liberties with the lore, such as aging and the transformation abilities, but fox fire and illusions actually come from the legend. I really wasn't trying for an anime style fox.

But, whatever. It may be you just don't like foxes and I'm cool with that. Just wanted to clarify where i was pulling the lore from.

Bye!
>> No. 110394
File 134178886417.jpg - (7.59KB , 300x154 , daysGoBy.jpg )
110394
>>109375
Plot Synopsis
Big McIntosh is quiet / stoic / not interested in love because he married someone he met at a family reunion and she died giving birth to Apple Bloom.

Critiques
You're trying to, basically, put an entire relationship's conception, growth, life, and death into ~8k words. While this is doable, you're definitely going to have to make sure you're using every word as efficiently as possible; even still, you're, at the core, trying to summarize a relationship instead of showing it as it unfolds.

Which, there's nothing wrong with that, however, consider the following:

What if you wrote this story without the frames for flashbacks? You'd be losing some overt "spoilers" (i.e., we know in the first page that Big McIntosh's relationship with Autumn isn't going to work out) for some implicit ones (from the show, we know that Big McIntosh is okay with being single), first and foremost. You'd still get to keep your twist near the end about Autumn being Apple Bloom's mother, but you could build into it slower (with hints here and there, like Autumn being good at construction, have Autumn only referred to by full name at their wedding, etc) and then end this story with Big McIntosh holding his daughter, Apple Bloom, and 'looking to the future,' as it were. This option would give you the chance to explore more of Big McIntosh and Autumn's relationship (which was really the strong point of this story) via some scenes and milestones that this story seemed to be lacking / glancing over (but for the love of Frigg, don't be explicit about sex), and if you did it right, you'd also get the emotional weight that something like "a lover of two years (assuming 11-month pregnancy) dying during childbirth" deserves.

But, that's just an idea I had.

Anyway, this story definitely needs some more emotional depth (regardless of how you add it). More scenes, more exploration of this relationship... you need to really hit home with the death of your OC. You had some awkward phrasing in a lot of places throughout this, so try reading it aloud. And finally, you should really have some more scenery and interaction with the scenery. A lot of your scenes took place in interesting places, but it just looked like your characters were superimposed on a green screen, so to say. You weren't completely bad about that last point, but for your story to feel more organic, I'd really recommend adding more interactions with the scenery... and drop "Big Mcintosh throws firewood through a window," that's just obtuse and over-reacting.
>> No. 110403
File 134178990102.png - (21.35KB , 99x126 , Phoning It In.png )
110403
>>109565
You've still got stilted narration in this, which is a very difficult thing to point out what exactly is wrong. The thing I notice is that you don't vary your sentence or dialogue structures very much, and you've got a lot of walls-of-dialogue that could've been broken up by actions. What I mean is, you've got a lot of "Subject verbed" type sentences, and one after another so they tend to repeat and form a pattern... which, outside of the Fibonacci sequence, perfect patterns don't really feel natural.

I'd recommend reading the Elements of Style and maybe some other books on writing style. While I can't say that I'm really interested in the idea of a Gundam / MLP crossover, that's just my personal preference; if you want to write something, learning more about writing is going to be your best bet.


Review redacted as "This item is in its owner's trash."
>> No. 110404
...380 comments read 0...
thing i have to say....

East Coast is the best!
FUCK THA SHIT
(you see me running away if like i have stolen candy form a candy shop!)
>> No. 110406
File 134179074176.png - (353.58KB , 973x550 , Why.png )
110406
>>109957
>>110216
>>110230

>MFW it's a choice between what looks like generic shipping, resubmit of "ancient ritual threatens Equestria," and... really damn long adventure story.

I... guess I'll take the first two.
>> No. 110408
File 134179092354.jpg - (31.72KB , 600x400 , Don\'t Smoke Crack.jpg )
110408
>>110404
And that brings me to my next point: Don't smoke crack.
>> No. 110409
>>110394

Hmm... you bring up some excellet points. Now that I think of it, cutting out Big Mac and AB's interactions would really add to the weight of the story. Maybe just an introductory scene where Apple Bloom follows Big Mac out of the house late at night? Then, I could bring the flashbacks in, exploring the most significant points in their relationship, leading up to AB's birth. The last scene could be at the top of hill where Autumn is buried. Big Mac finds AB hiding up there and finally tells her the truth.

Thank you, by the way.
>> No. 110434
File 134179765053.png - (120.83KB , 283x237 , Meh.png )
110434
>>109957
Synopsis: Twilight starts coaching Rainbow Dash, and that turns romantic somehow.

Critiques: Prereader 12 is right, this story doesn't really have a sense of flair. And by that, I think he was trying to say that this is pretty cliche and doesn't really add anything new to the table that hasn't already been done in various other Twilight / Rainbow Dash stories. But, I'm not trying to put my less-polite words into PR-12's mouth, so I'll avoid conjecture and stick to my review of this story.

Stylistically, you've got a lot of stilted sentences that don't flow into one another in a very natural-sounding manner. For example,
>It was just a little more. Just a little more and she would break the barrier. She had tried every day for the last month to perform this trick. But this time was the time she would succeed, she told herself.
I'd personally go with:
>Dash pushed harder, egging herself on. Just a little more... After trying every day for the past month, today was the day she was finally going to succeed.

That's two-and-a-half sentences (direct thoughts and dialogue don't have to be complete sentences), down from four, and it portrays the same idea of Dash pushing herself harder to try a trick after a month's worth of practice.

Also, be very wary of starting sentences with the same "pronoun verbed" structure, especially in the same paragraph and especially when they're back-to-back sentences.


Moving on, you should also be wary of putting dialogue back-to-back without any character actions. Actions can say more about an interaction than the dialogue. For example,

"Did you pick up that gift for your wife?"
"Yeah, she's going to love it."

compare to

Marcus turned the ignition, and the car purred to life. "Did you pick up that gift for your wife?"
"Yeah." Steven pulled the nine-millimeter out of his jacket and cocked it. "She's going to love it."


So yes. Fun with gangsters aside, you're missing a huge opportunity to augment dialogue with emotions every time you don't pair an action with it. Now, granted, don't oversaturate dialogue with actions, and work on writing emotions and such in a rich, varied style, but as it is, right now, you're too far on the "not enough" side of the scale.


Moving on, and finally my biggest concern for this story: I'm not exactly sure where their romance is coming from. Like, it happens, on page 4 or 5, where Dash has a Freudian slip or something, but up to that point, there was nothing hinting at romantic interest. Not a hint, nothing beyond "friendship." In a story that's limited to following one of the main characters (especially in emotions and perception), this is unacceptable.


In closing, I'm really not sure what to tell you about EQD. You've got work cut out for you to polish this up into a "well-written but cliche" story of Twilight Sparkle / Rainbow Dash's romance, but even after all these fics, you're going to have to think of some way to try and set yourself apart from the pack. But that's more "for getting onto EQD," which, believe it or not, has more requirements than the story being good—it's got to be more or less original, too. And shipping tends to get hit the hardest, as there's only like thirty different combinations of the main six.
>> No. 110445
File 134179864722.jpg - (43.66KB , 500x375 , wolfhand.jpg )
110445
>>110327
You now have a comment highlighting a single instance of each of your systemic errors. Now search and destroy. Be sure to look at the Editors Omnibus though, for you have several degrees of dialogue tagging mistakes, not just the one i noted in doc. As for the homophone confusion, that'd require me to read through the thing in its entirety again to find them. You're on your own there.

>It may be you just don't like foxes and I'm cool with that.
>pic related
Nope, I have no problem with fox demons at all. It just came as a surprise in a pone fic. I paid more attn to him in my second skim, and I can say he lends a quirky personality to the story.
Cheers man, sorry to be so brief. So much pone an all that.
>> No. 110447
>>110209
I just want to ask: is it alright to say "it'll be explained later" in this situation? I'm trying to keep my explanations throughout the story, holding secrets back and introducing them when it's natural.
>> No. 110454
>>110447
In Want of a Nail can be a very engaging device, but it's an extremely tricky one. You have to at once keep the reader hooked by the intrigue while giving them enough information not to rage-quit as you take them along for the ride.
Not like I'd know anything about that, of course

So yes, if you can pull it off.
>> No. 110457
File 134180110315.jpg - (48.54KB , 500x533 , 134091691972.jpg )
110457
>>110445
Thank you. I will use the knowledge you have given me to seek out and eradicate the enemy.

Also... Isn't that Holo... From Spice and Wolf... as in she's a wolf... I can't tell if sarcastic or not... Eh, just call me stupid.
>> No. 110458
>>110434
The beginning has been problematic since forever, but it does not stay cliche for long. My original intention was to have a cutesy friend-shipping that develops into a crush, in order to make what happens in chapter 5 a bit more jarring.

In chapter 4 Rainbow Dash comes to the conclusion she has to tell Twilight somehow, and she sets up a "date that's not a date" where they go stargazing together. There, at a moment that feels appropriate, she comes out and kisses Twilight.

I wanted a four-and-a-half chapter build up to Twilight turning her down. Harshly. (Her overreaction stems from her dislike of unpredictable things and a general confusion about how to handle such things). From there, the inevitable make-up happens, and Twilight decides to give it a try and see where it goes.

Dash goes to perform in cloudsdale, and two things happen.

1) A love triangle begins between Spitfire and Dash, and Twilight and Dash
2) Twilight and Rainbow Dash's relationship proves to be quite unstable.

The idea is that from chapter 5 onwards things become a trainwreck/rollercoaster. And I've never figured out how to do this without having a slow, generic shipping build up to it.

I'll try to address the points you gave me about where my writing style could be improved, and how the buildup can be improved. Thanks for the review!
>> No. 110459
>>110458
err, also, this had originality back when I started writing it last november. The pairing was practically non-existant, and only one story with the pairing was on EqD. (That was during the times of appledash)
>> No. 110472
>>110458
You should probably tone down the "I'm blushing because I just said something accidentally gay" thing, then, as that's not really where the story's at in chapter one.
>> No. 110475
File 134180355648.png - (383.90KB , 981x472 , 0KACw.png )
110475
And so it is that the West Coast / East Coast review thread draws to a close, taking its place in the halls of its fathers in /fic/ Valhalla.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure. We are now but a few posts away from autosage, and as such, we will be accepting one more submission each before closing the queue.

First come, first serve folks.
Unless of course half dozen people throw stories at us, in which case we’ll take our pick.

Best regards /fic/
Always keep writing.
>> No. 110476
>>110475
So you two leaving /fic/?
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>> No. 110477
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110477
>>110475
If I'd had time to fix what you pointed out in mine, I'd surely send it in, but alas, I have not had the time. I'll be watching and waiting if you make another thread, you two truly are the two best reviewers I've ever seen on here. Thanks for all the help ponies.