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No. 103713
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>>103596 This is really a mess. I'm going to forgo a standard review and give a brief summary of what I don't like about this story:
>(author's note: just warning you now, these first two chapters are mostly introductory, as in they set up the story. I'd recommend reading them, but I'm the author I'm supposed to say that, but if you want to skip to chapter three you won't miss much) As a reader (granted, a reader-for-hire, but still), this offends me. Here, you gave me a story to read, right? Ten chapters, 10k words, yet you're going to just out and say, "Oh, the first two chapters are pointless, don't read them." You've already wasted my time, then, because you knowingly put "unnecessary" parts of your story into your "story." To be blunt, if you know they're not important, don't include them and start at chapter three. If you have some purpose for them (introduction is good, as long as you establish the conflict that your story is going to address and perhaps resolve).
As an Equestria Daily Prereader, I think this fandom, by and large, doesn't understand what an "author's note" allows you and doesn't allow you to do. It does allow you to address certain issues about the story on a meta level (meaning, "Author's note: sorry for the infrequent updates, I've been busy IRL" is fine. "Author's note: this story is low quality, just roll with it" is... doesn't really excuse you the low quality).
>“HEY, that’s what I said!” >Breaking the fourth wall yet again, the little pink pony grabbed the blackening screen and forced her head through, so as to claim ownership of her previous advice. I smiled, oh that Pinkie Pie. As I sat back from watching yet another episode of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, I thought about how much I wished Pinkie Pie could reach into our dimension and cheer us all up. It was a common thing among fans, or Bronies as we liked to call ourselves, to discuss Pinkie Pie’s frequent shattering of the figurative “fourth wall”. We all loved her so much, and she seemed almost like you could just reach through the screen and touch her, smell her cotton candy mane, see Ponyville through her eyes. Wishful thinking I suppose.
I got past the stupid author's note, and here it is. The first paragraph. Your big opener, your one chance to let me, your reader, know that this is going to be worth reading... and you bore me. There's passive tense, rough grammar, inefficient languaging, and---worst of all---it's everything that's wrong with "Brony in Equestria" stories. It's whiny, wishy, and above all, it's been done before. Constantly. When you're writing in an oversaturated genre, it's important to set yourself apart from the pack as early as possible, and to not fall into the pitfalls of "I want to write a story that's like _____," except I'm the one writing it.
That's what a private file on your computer is for.
>I sighed and settled for the next best thing. Grabbing my laptop from my bedside table, I opened it and opened up the internet. I clicked the bookmark for my favorite pony page, titled Pinkie Pie’s Page, and was greeted with a screen-size image of the pink party goddess herself pressing her adorable face against the screen.
This has now gone from "whiny" to "sad." Not "sad" as in "Oh, poor narrator," but more like, "You spoiled brat. Act your goddamn age." In this paragraph and the one above it, you've established that the narrator is American (by your languaging), has a television, in his room, with subscription to premium cable, a laptop computer, Internet access...
You want people to pity your narrator? Give them something worth sighing about. Protip: "Oh, my favorite TV show isn't real" isn't an actual conflict, it's... it's "white girl problems," with the stereotype being that some white girls are so well-to-do that they have to invent their own problems. Like The Gap closing at 8:00 on a Thursday when Jenni (with an 'i') got a new pair of low-cut jeans, and if I show up at school tomorrow without one, I'm just going to, like, die, because then Brian's going to ask her to the Spring Dance.
Except... I'd venture a mildly-biased guess to say that "romance" is a more valid conflict than "I wish Pinkie Pie were real." So congratulations, two paragraphs into this, and we're at, "I wish this story had the emotional depth and range as some of the girls I used to go to high school with."
>Pinkie Pie” I said, smiling as I admired the background. I scrolled down, browsing the many pictures pinkie’s admin had posted. Many of them were fan made. My favorite was of Pinkie Pie from when she had taken photos of herself in a photo booth, while imagining her time at the Grand Galloping Gala. I just couldn’t get over that enormous smile that bordered on scary. I laughed a bit when I noticed her eyes were a little ‘derped’ in this shot, meaning one was pointed up and the other was pointed down.
What is this paragraph telling us? That "I looked at pictures on the Internet?" You... I...
*gets up* Congratulations, author. You have awoken a terrible, virulent beast. *gets out the Reviewing Vodka*
>I copied and pasted the photo as my profile picture, I just couldn’t resist, the image was just so me OH MY GOD, YOU ARE ACTUALLY WRITING THIS AS A VALLEY GIRL.
>I loved Pinkie Pie so much because she was exactly like me; such a party animal; so random and energetic, but also making little sense to those around her. I used to run around with a guy who flunked out of state-sponsored college. To put this into perspective, I once didn't turn in homework for one of my major, upper-level classes. I merely studied for two hours before the two tests, and I walked out of that class with a "C." For... six hours of work, throughout an entire 18-week semester. So no, this guy partied from Thursday to Monday, rarely sober, dealt drugs that I don't think I can talk about on this website, and had a strange penchant for running up and down the hallway, naked, screaming, "IT'S TIME FOR THE PARTY MONSTER!"
He was a "party animal." Pinkie Pie's a tame, professional caterer by comparison.
>I had been diagnosed with ADHD but that wasn’t a thing in pony Ville. Oh how I wished to live there, yet you can't even spell it >the party would never end! We had to take that guy to the hospital twice. Parties need to end eventually.
>Another photo showed Pinkie Pie breaking through the screen, and was titled, “Pinkie Pie broke the fourth wall so we could all come and join her in Ponyville”. Many people had brohoofed the photo, I did as well, and of course added my two cents to the comments below. What the Christ is "brohoofing" a photo?
You remember that long, pointless paragraph about how you were browsing the Internet? THEN would have been a good time to explain terminology of the website if you're going to be doing shit like "brohoofing" photos.
>brony1: one day this will be true >brony2: we love you pinkie pie >brony3: /) >me: if only it were true, I’d party with pinkie all day, it would never stop. Ah, the Internet, bringing together people of like interests since 1993.
Seriously, though, this is literally writing the comments section of... Ponibooru? Some sort of social network? Why are you showing us this?
>I scrolled up to the most recent post, >“Hey everypony, how are ya all doin’ today?” >I gave my usual reply, “Feelin’ Pinkie keen” making a pun off of my favorite Pinkie Pie episode. I chuckled, before long I received a couple of updates saying a few people had brohoofed my post. Another update informed me that Pinkie Pie had also commented. “Lol I see whatcha did there ;)” By the time I had refreshed the page to see it, it too had a few brohoofs. I have no way of knowing this based on the story, but I'm sure that this is actually Pinkie Pie. That's mainly because this story is so shallow and vapid that there's no room for conflict or sadness, so of course the narrator's going to meet Pinkie Pie instead of coming to the cold, hard truths of his mortality... I mean, "that Ponyville doesn't exist."
Because, I mean, dying means nothing if you can't live in a world without Pinkie Pie.
>“So how about you Pinkie, what have you been up to today?” I wrote back. I loved starting conversations with the admin, I knew it was just a human who was role-playing as Pinkie Pie, but I liked to believe it was really her. hah, dramatic irony >“Oh just starin’ through a screen at you humans lol.” came the reply. >“You should come through the screen and join us!” I replied. I always loved these kinds of comments; it was interesting to see what the admin would come up with. >“Hmm well, I’ve been trying without much success lately, maybe Twilight can help.” >“Maybe” I posted. I don't feel like I can adequately explain how much I hate this passage.
Let's summarize it: nine paragraphs into an "introductory chapter" that has no bearing on the plot (from your lovely Author's note, mind you), you are recounting the troubles of a narrator who 1) Wishes a television show were real, 2) exists in a genre that is famous for cliche, trite, wish-fulfillment, and 3) IS TALKING TO AN ENTITY, OVER THE INTERNET, THAT IS, IN REALITY, HIS FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM THE SHOW.
That's my main problem with this story in general: there's no suspense, no buildup, no complexity. It just be what it do, and that is to be "whiny, over-priviliged teenager with a "learning disorder" has it so hard, he needs Ponies to cope."
That's the main reason I hate this fandom. You know what happened a few years ago when my world collapsed, leaving me feeling helpless and with virtually nothing I could do in a situation? I whined about it and it got better. No, wait, I grew a pair and fucking met it head-on. No, I'm not in a great position now, but fuck if I'll be damned pissing around whining about how "Oh, gee, I wish I could go to Equestria."
I wish I could go to the moon, which is a place that exists, but technologic and social limitations mean that probably won't happen within my lifetime. You know what I do? I cope. It's not going to happen. And I move on.
>A few minutes later the reply came, “She says she doesn’t know any spells that involve inter-dimensional travel sorry :(” I refreshed the page and noticed Pinkie Pie’s latest post. It was a picture of a very excited looking pinkie pie, at the top was posted “LET’S PARTY!” Smiling I made a comment, “YAY PARTY!”
>A few hours later, after many Pinkie Pie songs had been played, I posted directly on the page. >“I wish I could come party with you wherever you are Pinkie Pie” The alert came that she had posted. >“Yeah! That would be awesome XD!” For some reason I felt the need to emphasize, >“I do really mean it though, most people don’t get that” Her reply soon came >“Well you seem like a pretty cool guy, I hope we do meet someday”
Okay, now we're back to more vapid conversation, nothing new, nothing exciting...
>Suddenly I got that weird feeling again. It’s not something I can really describe to you; I suppose it would be best to say it was sort of a ‘spark’ in my brain if you will. Talk to any neurologist, every feeling is some sort of "spark" in your brain. >In any case I’d gotten this funny feeling only a few times before, there was no mistaking it. I posted immediately “Whoa! I get the feeling we’re definitely going to meet someday, the only problem is it doesn’t specify when” Okay, great. Your narrator has psychic powers of where this story is going. Sure, they're unexplained, but maybe since he lives in a vacuum with nothing else but a TV(?) and laptop and bed, his world is so simple that all of reality flows along a linear path, with no deviations other than what is predestined to happen (Nameless Narrator meets Pinkie Pie, story at... hah, there's no story in this).
>It had been over a year since this sixth sense of mine had gone off, it was never specific, but it had always been right. “Twitchy tail? Wow you and I really are alike” came her response. >“Yeah, it goes off at random, and it’s usually right too, there was only one time I didn’t actually meet the person but it could still come true technically” This of course was a lie, well sort of. I got the feeling I would meet Pinkie Pie, but I knew that couldn’t be true so I likened it to her admin, still possible. ...
"Yeah, it's always true, except one time that it didn't come true, but it might still come true."
THIS IS WHY NEW AGE BULLSHIT IS BULLSHIT.
Ironically, I thought that this story wouldn't have any more surprises in stock. However, I see that it's found a new way to infuriate me.
>“Ooh sounds interesting, oh now I really really do want to meet you.” >I thought for a moment >“maybe we could meet at the next Bronycon, where do you live?” >“Bronycon? What’s that? I live in Ponyville silly.” Wow, I forgot this was a role-playing page. >“Oh it’s this big event where all of us humans who watch you guys gather to have a big party” >“Ooh sounds fun can I come?” She really did sound like Pinkie Pie. “Sure Pinkie Pie, just break through the fourth wall and come join us!” If this is a role-playing page, why is the author not assuming a persona?
>I laughed, if only the real Pinkie Pie could. YES, if ONLY.
I've said it up before when I was suffering through this ordeal of a story, this story is way too simple and cliche to hold anyone's attention if they're over the age of 13 (maybe younger, if the kid's an avid reader). Seriously. You can't just call "oh, this story's really good, trust me" in an Author's Note, then proceed to bore the hell out of everyone in the first chapter. That's not what "first chapters" are for.
This story needs a conflict, and it needs a realistic solution to the conflict in order to bring it together in a manner that is both satisfying and fulfilling. MEANING, don't tell us, "Author was sad, then he met Pinkie Pie!" That's a bullshit story and you know it. That's why there's a stigma against "HiE" stories that exist on like some sort of alternate version of Earth where everything sucks just as much BUT there's a release of Ponies. At least Maverick despite the author being a git had the balls to make everything in the world be post-apocalyptic and shitty, and have Equestria be more akin to a prison than anything. But virtually no one wants to, for pleasure, read a story where the author gets everything given to them, magically, and they don't have to work for the ending or learn anything along the way.
Which is exactly how this story feels.
So, basically, I'm saying this: you need to beat the following two sentences with your story:
"One day, Mike was sad because he didn't have $5. Then he found $5 on the ground."
for me to take it seriously as a piece of literature.
Until then, this is me, having some regrets about downing ~4 shots over the duration of this "review."
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