>>
|
No. 103981
File
133799348652.png
- (26.28KB
, 945x945
, Shrug.png
)
>>103895 Well, Foxxy, here we are. The review. The first one of this thread, no less! I'd like to thank you for giving me this chance. Over all of the more experienced reviewers you chose ME! -giggle snort- (But that's probably because I had no stories in my queue and all of the other reviewers did. But I'll overlook this fact. )
Plot/Concept: So, let's see here. Chrysalis is like 'Oh nuh I'm bound up' and all of da ponies are da happies but then SETTING CHANGE, all of the climax happens and all of da talking, then she dies. De End.
Everything was very quick, and I didn't really care all that much. Sure, she did this bad stuff, and we've seen the episode, but this story is JUST about the execution. I'm curious about this war. It would have been a lot more interesting to learn more about that, have a build up with her being an antagonist, and THEN execute her. Instead you just say she was captured and go from there.
The story pretty much starts out as Skyrim where we don't really know what the hay is going on but your guy is tired up in the back of a carriage. I don't like Skyrim.
Actually, that's a bad comparison, because everyone seems to love Skyrim. The thing is that it's just so vague. Yeah, you tell us there was a war, but why was there a war? How did it all happen? The American Revolution is a lot more interesting to hear about when we heard about things like guerrilla warfare, the Boston Massacre and the 'Shot Heard Around The World', instead of just saying 'Oh, we broke off from Britain in 1776'
INB4 foreign people.
Specific notes (Some will be repetitive due to just copy and paste from the doc and my comments):
>The Royal Equestrian Army was marching back from battle towards Canterlot, their home. Their latest endeavor, the battle against the changelings, was a success as they had defeated the enemy, and most importantly, captured their leader, Queen Chrysalis. This is pretty quick. You submerge us with information in the first few sentences of your fic. I suggest you lay out what happened with dialogue a bit later in the story when the information is necessary.
>as the citizens of Canterlot were more focused on the safe and triumphant return of their loved ones. What about the families of the soldiers that died in battle? There has to be at least a couple.
>This was not what it meant to be in the Royal Equestrian Army. Why not?
>They viewed the lower classes as uncivilized and barbaric, always turning their noses away from them, Yet here they were, acting like a barbaric, uncivilized mob calling for her blood. So, why act so barbaric if they looked down upon it? Tell us why they have such a change of heart.
>"I have heard your defense, Chrysalis. I will now consult with my sister so that we may judge the appropriate course of action for your transgression," 'I'M PISSED AT YOU' 'Well, you said your defense, so we'll discuss the punishment'. Seems a bit bipolar.
Grammar: Not much for here, just remember that colons aren't always the answer, and you kind of keep using them incorrectly... Also, you forget the "Words," dialogue tag rule. Remember "Words," dialogue tag. OR "Words." Character action.
Setting: Canterlot Canterlot Castle That's it. What was Canterlot like on that day? You say it's the morning, but not much other than that. I can just replace 'Canterlot' with 'Foot Locker' and it almost seems the same story to me.
Too lazy for specific notes now, they're in the doc. You know where to look.
Fluency/pacing: This is a major problem. It's a lot of dialogue at some parts then it's just a bunch of unnecessary description. You have characters talking for WAY too long before something happens, and the fact that you don't add a lot of description with characters doesn't help this fact either. Dialogue tags aren't enough description. Actions speak louder than words. My suggestion is cut down the amount of dialogue spurs that happen, and add a lot more physical description.
It's like you're telling me a story about when you went to Hawaii with your girlfriend, but you won't show me the pictures you took. I need both to get the clearest idea in my mind that I can.
Additional Stuff: Readers won't care about the music you listened to while writing it or that you suggest they listen to it while they read. The reader is there to READ, not listen. While some may take you up on your offer, most won't feel inclined to.
Now onto the picture score: >Pic It was kind of like 'well, it's interesting, and the concept and plot aren't TOO bad, but it was executed poorly. I just kind of give up and give it a :l ' Well, of course I didn't give up, but an average reader probably would have had this kind of reaction. I don't know. I'm thinking more heavily about how to do the reaction pictures
|