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File 133792751243.png - (302.79KB , 460x714 , YEP.png )
103867 No. 103867
#Reviewer
Hi, friends, I am Professor Hugbox, and I will be your reviewer for today! Or, actually I will be here for the summer! School is out, which gives me time to actually do this, so let's begin with the ground rules.

1. You should probably read the sticky first. That will be pretty important.
2. I cannot accept gore or clopfiction due to the nature of the board. I personally have no issues with it, but I don't make the rules. I'll open up an email specifically for that when I feel like it. Those reviews will be through email and will not be affiliated with this board, therefore no issues.
3. Please format your post with Title, Tags, Synopsis and a link to the document.
4. Google Docs with comments is a must. I realize some of you use FimFiction, but it shouldn't be too hard to just copy and paste it right into a doc!
5. I will not accept stories over 20k words. This is for one shots; chapter stories please see below
6. I don't think this will be a problem, but everyone is on the same level. People who have been here a while, whether author or reviewer will not get special permissions. Everyone is equal here in this thread. Except mods, cause they're mods.
7. Don't give up writing. Yes, this is a rule. I may chew out your fic, but that's not out of malice, it's out of love. If I didn't want to help you I would just say it sucks and don't come back. That's not what I'm here for. So, yes, don't come here unless you plan to keep writing, even if you decide to scrap your current story.
8. Not realyl a rule, but I want to make sure you read this part. My overall score for your story will be in a different form than most: reaction pictures. 'That's silly! Why do that!' Because actions sometimes speak louder than words. You'll be more affected by someone's face going >:C than you will with a few numbers in a line of text.

Want to see where you are in the queue? Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/ProfessorsReviewQueue

Some helpful links:
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Characters If you're unsure about a character's personality and you're afraid of writing a character OoC, check out their wiki page. I will usually refer you here if I see your character OoC
http://www.onlyfiction.net/ms-test.html This is a Mary Sue test, and I will redirect you here if your character fits the picture. If you're afraid of having a Mary Sue character, take the test.

Multiple Chapter Submission Guide:
Alright, so here's how this goes down. I will only accept one chapter at a time, and it cannot start from a chapter that isn't the first. Once you post your first chapter I will review it, and during that time the normal course of the thread will continue. Once it has been reviewed you may post the second one. It will go to the appropriate place on the queue, and is treated like a one shot story. This ensures fairness to authors who have shorter stories and also to ensure that you have the time to fix your chapter before I review the next.

Q&A
Are you a good reviewer?
This is subjective. I'm not as thorough as others on the board, but I will be happy to suggest things for you rather than just point out the mistakes. I'm not bashing on reviewers that do this, but I feel it good to show the author where the stone is after you knock down their house of sticks.

Do you have examples of your review work?
Check TTG thread, friend! I have done at least 12 fics there.

Why are you making this thread post so long?
Because I've never opened up a thread before!

Do you specialize in anything?
Not necessarily. Sentence structure and grammar are on stronger sides than my plot and story fluency are, but that doesn't mean I'm bad at that either!

Well, with that, let's get this show on the road!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 103868
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103868
>>103867
>I will not accept stories over 20k words.
>> No. 103869
>>103868
This is for 1 shots, but I am alright if the author wants to split it into chapters, follow the chapter submission guide and then put it back together. This is just to deject chances of congestion.
>> No. 103870
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103870
You've likely been on here about the same time if not slightly longer than me, but I still feel I should say: Welcome, to your own thread, and I wish you luck.
>> No. 103871
File 133792848731.jpg - (20.50KB , 315x450 , 131319402617.jpg )
103871
>>103867
>8. Not realyl a rule
>realyl
Got a typo there, champ.

>Multiple Chapter Submission Guide:
This is so easy to manipulate it hurts.
>Opens Gdocs index
>Ready copy/paste shortcut fingers
>Copy paste every chapter into one document
>???
>Profit!!!!

>>103869
>This is just to deject chances of congestion.
>deject
>Deject: Lower someone's spirits; make downhearted

But hey, best of luck with your thread and all that. And remember, if you're bored, don't be afraid to poach some reviews from the TG! They can always use a helping hand.
>> No. 103872
>>103870
Actually, I joined this board only a few weeks ago, sometime in early May. I guarantee you've been here quite a bit longer than I, but thank you nome the less!

(Posted From iPod)
>> No. 103873
>I realize some of you use FimFiction, but it shouldn't be too hard to just copy and paste it right into a doc!
It is actually quite literally and totally really completely that easy. Copying the Fimfiction render into Google Docs has always worked flawlessly for me.
>> No. 103874
Title: March to the Scaffold
Tags: Dark, Sad, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot to stand trial for her failed invasion. Thinking her fate is sealed, she is determined to be defiant to the very end. Loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rvYPLWJ26sFXceQbxO2_M84Jo8FfVEBkDGTgOX0CYyk/edit?pli=1

I highly suggest you listen to the music too.
>> No. 103875
Oh hey, I hate to rain further on your parade here, Even though I recieved a worse chewing out when I arrived. My first thread was hideous, you should have seen it. But I checked out that Mary Sue test, and any not-so-clever pony that tries to run their pony character through that, is going to have to click on far more of those items than should apply, simply because their character is a pony from Equestria. Just thought you should know.
>> No. 103876
>>103871
I just learned how to use Nonchalantly yesterday, and I've been experiencing with words. I'll make some incorrect word choices, but it's all about learning, thanks for pointing out the misuse of deject.

The chapter submission process isn't perfect, But like I said: I have no problem with splitting up a one shot into chapters or putting all chapters after the process into a oneshot. The intended purpose is just for making sure that people with long stories aren't turned away while giving shorter ones a chance instead of one story wing reviewed continuously.

(posted from iPod)
>> No. 103877
>>103874
First chapter is only 1k words. I am trying to submit this to EqD
>> No. 103878
Would you care if I added the second chapter into the gdoc? If I did that, the total would be 4k. This is up to you, since it is your thread.
>> No. 103879
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103879
>>103875
You're forgetting the "If this is a normal ability/trait for characters in your story, don't mark it" clause. It's for stuff where, say, your character lives in a world where everyone has super powers or, in this case, magic/flight/whatever it is that those dirt-eaters do.

>>103876
>experiencing
>Experiencing, not Experimenting

That process is still a bad idea. I'd highly suggest dropping your limit to 10K and adding the stipulation that you'll read through multiple chapters up to that wordcount (with, of course, the caveat that you can drop it for being a horrible piece of writing at any time).

>>103877
>>103878
You should really take a moment and think about whether you haveeverything you want to say in one post before hitting that "Reply" button...
>> No. 103880
>>103879
And that's why I always lend an ear when Ion's around. Granted I did say, not-so-clever pony.
>> No. 103881
>>103879
Sorry,
I thought was going to be only one chapter limit.
>> No. 103882
>>103879
iPod autocorrection, but again, thank you.

I'll have to see how it goes. Maybe it will actually be okay. It's an experiment, as I said. (or tried to, rather) is it possible to edit the OP to make changes? I am still new to Chan boards, or message boards in general.

(posted from iPod)
>> No. 103886
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103886
>>103882
Sadly no. I learned this the hard way. If you want to edit anything around here you need to delete and resubmit the original
>> No. 103887
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103887
>>103880
Ponies, lend me your ears?
I need them for this new stew I'm planning...

>>103881
I have a bet going about how many posts this thread will last before Hugbox burns out. I say two-hundred. However, your multi-posting is artificially inflating the postcount, and that just won't DO.
But seriously though, it's just a good idea to pause and reflect before hitting that little button, that way you don't come off as being scatter-brained. I highly advise visiting /meta/ and grabbing yourself Ponychan X or PonyUP Z; they update the thread automatically without your needing to refresh the page, meaning you can easily reply to new comments, as well as many other wonderful goodies.

>>103882
Most people I've talked to about that have turned off the auto-correct. It's far too aggressive for its own good.

You have two options: The classic one of deleting/remaking (best to do it now before things take off), or hoping a mod will wade through the code to fix a typo (highly unlikely).

As I just demonstrated, I deleted/am now reposting my message since I mispelled "button" as "burron" and "PonyUP" as "PonuUP".
>> No. 103889
>>103887
>year of the pegasus before Hugbox burns out
Seems kind of cynical, don't you think? Is this the average burn out rate?

What I'll probably do is if I need to change things or such to the original post I'll mention that this thread will close in a day or so, request a mod lock it or just delete it and make a new thread. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
>> No. 103890
>>103887

I am brand new to format of this site, usually I always had the option to edit. But I got eager to see someone offering to review stuff without any line. I am trying to get my story reviewed asap as I start work next month, drastically cutting my time I have. So I rushed when I posted, (and yes I tend to get scatter brained easily, but that is why I have 3 editors for my story). After learning how hard it is to get something submitted on EqD, it has become a goal for me to get something on there. I really want to see if I have a chance on getting story on there. (sadly I can not post anything about science up there, science major here).

So thank you Professor Hugbox for offering to review my story. I still do not know if you want me to combine chapters, since it is against the rules.
>> No. 103891
>>103890
With the current system in place, as long as it is under 20k words I don't mind. This will probably change if I keep getting close to 20k word chapters. I'll learn the errors of my ways

I'll add people to the queue tomorrow. iPod and all.
>> No. 103892
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103892
>>103889
It's fairly high for single-reviewer threads. Why do you think you see all of the oldguard making tag-team ones? They've waded through their own, personal threads and know better now. Best you find some green-behind-the-ears reviewer like yourself, preferably one that has a modicum of experience from the TG, and make one with them.

Also, protip: When not making a post that directly relates to your thread (EG posting/requesting/replying to a review), you should put "sage" into your post so that it doesn't bump. /fic/ is slow, so sharing the first page is considered an act of common courtesy if you're not producing anything of import.

Same goes for you, Foxy!

>>103890
Getting onto EqD isn't really that hard. You'll have a far tougher time impressing the more crotchety reviewers (like myself) than getting on there. Their filter is set to keep out the bad, not let in the good.
>> No. 103894
>>103892
NO, THIS IS MY THREAD, AND I'M GONNA BUMP IT. yeah, I was saying in TTG earlier, but in the mix of things I forgot. Again, thanks. Sharing is caring, and I don't like to hog the top spot. Saged.

I'll see how this thread goes. If I do burn out I'll take a break and do as you suggest. But now that ive started this I'm curious to see how it goes.
>> No. 103895
Sorry, I am both new to this site and google docs. I just wanted to see if I could get a story there.

If you wan to review it I can gladly take all the help I can get.

Sorry for reposting this again, but I am new to google docs and I just added the chapters together. SO just to be sure I send you the right link.

Title: March to the Scaffold
Tags: Dark, Sad, Slice of Life
Synopsis: Chrysalis is brought to Canterlot to stand trial for her failed invasion. Thinking her fate is sealed, she is determined to be defiant to the very end. Loosely based on March to the Scaffold, the 4th movement of the musical piece Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rvYPLWJ26sFXceQbxO2_M84Jo8FfVEBkDGTgOX0CYyk/edit

Again sorry for repost, I am learning all these new things.
>> No. 103902
>>103892
>Why do you think you see all of the oldguard making tag-team ones? They've waded through their own, personal threads and know better now.
Your mouth is talking, you should look into that.
>> No. 103905
For your scrutiny and severe critique

A Question of Sacrifice

Prologue

Treachery and lies are interwoven into the complex tapestry of politics that stretches from the noble spires of Canterlot to the deceitful halls of Griffoney, and the whole political spectrum is a constant flashpoint. It only takes one, willing to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, to set the whole farce ablaze

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zNvkgj_Tno_qHKTEKWCfLxWizBxOVhiHoFxyh-IB0-g/edit

(3950 words)

[war][dark][adventure]
>> No. 103915
>>103902
Sorry, this is just bothering me, what business you have here again? Ion is "helping", Minja is proving his "experience", Foxy Kimchi and sterling nomad are trying to get a review.

What's the quip for?
>> No. 103924
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103924
>>103915
He's a silly man that is always welcome here. Despite him being quite silly

>>103902
Quite silly indeed.

Forgot to sage my post, and deleting it didn't do anything. Gosh darn it I will remember to sage unimportant things!
>> No. 103953
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103953
>>103905
Wait a second. YOU! I mean... if you don't mine.

You already have a request made in TTG for this prologue to be reviewed. One of the rules of this board is that you must make it known to me that you already have a review pending in a different thread. I will not accept this, however, because two reviews at the same time can be problematic for both the reviewers and the author, since reviewers aren't one machine that will show you the absolute right way to do things. Our views may contradict in some aspects, and while there's nothing wrong with that per say, it's counterproductive. Either way if you have two good reviewers, the major problems will be address by either reviewer anyways, so why need two to just cause problems with opinion? Please either remove your submission from TTG or remove your submission from here.

In case you have forgotten, your TTG post is here: >>103540
>> No. 103961
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103961
>>103902
You're in a tag team thread with Seattle now, and you used to run your own thread. Kurbz and Lunar now have a tag team thread. All four of you are part of the old guard. It would appear to be becoming a "thing".
So no, my fingers are doing the typing and my brain has reasoned that it's a fair observation to make.

>>103915
He doesn't like me. That's about it.
>> No. 103963
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103963
>>103892
>>103902
>>103915
>>103924
>>103961

Hey guys, can we let Sweetie Pie here have his damn review thread?

>>103102
>>103106

You guys happy now?
>> No. 103966
Title: Colorblind
Tags: Sad, alternate universe

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oelv0xYxz_yymGS_w7yOp0u3RwRlrQrsPq7n_8eCLa0/edit
>> No. 103971
Hello Professor Hug_box
First and foremost thank you for your review, I greatly appreciate it. I really do. I will try to answer some of the questions you posted and correct some of the mistakes.

This is pretty quick. You submerge us with information in the first few sentences of your fic. I suggest you lay out what happened with dialogue a bit later in the story when the information is necessary.

I tried this once already, people got offended. So I deleted it. Some people did not want to look at the whole changeling thing in a realistic setting. Also I tried to keep the chapter short so that it would stay in flow the song.

Ha, this is pretty funny, but you just tell us all of these things. Maybe later in the story you could portray a scene where these things happen, and you could show us that these mares are swooning of a stallion with battle wounds.

It was just a short description. In the song there is some light, if not cheerful parts. So I added this to it to lighten the mood. I want to keep this here. Just interesting note some people left comments on fimfiction saying that I should ignore the guards actions. However I like adding them in there to lighten the mood somewhat. I am trying to keep the story focused on Chrysalis.

How? Explain (about her hubris being her downfall)
In the season two finale, she revealed herself because she thought she could control Shining Armor regardless. Also she kinda just let the main characters free Shining Armor and Cadence because she thought she won.

Again, you just tell us everything. You set up the entire scene in a matter of three paragraphs. There's nothing left to wonder.

I did it shortly because I thought it would be better to focus on the actually parade. To stay in line with the music. This chapter I purposely tried to follow the flow of music.

The entire military unit ALL TOGETHER started going faster? At around the same time?

Yes it sounds silly, but I added that part because this part correlates to a part of the music where the tempo increased. I tried to actually show it. You know my thought was that whoever is in front sees there all excited, so they speed up and everyone follows.

I don't think this is the word you're looking for. Suggestion: she gulped in anxiety

Good point, I will change that.

You only now bring up a setting after this large dump of information

I used that setting change because the feel of the music changed.
So, why act so barbaric if they looked down upon it? Tell us why they have such a change of heart.

I was trying to imply that nobility is really arrogant class. Based on the episodes where they show nobility, they look down on county folk. Probably because they think they are barbaric. When they in turn act like savages, I was trying to show that they are hypocrites.

Was this commander happy? Did he keep his military demeanor? Character description and body language help paint a picture.

To me when he said that, he was implying about the battle they had. The whole changeling thing. I kinda made this short because I wanted to focus more on the Shining Armor/Chrysalis thing

you love colons, but ti's not necessary. I think a SEMI colon would be good here, though.

XD my editors love semicolons. I will bring this up to them.

You spend so much time and words on the fact that Shining Armor is going to execute her.

She fears that he will be the one who delivers it. Like the first one, I need an moment where there was hatred because I felt it relates to a part in the music. Chrysalis is angry, but does not have that pure hatred.

She talks a lot. Not only does she talk a whole lot, Luna waits FOREVER to silence her.

To me, Luna snapped when she used the word "monster". That was her breaking point. I guess I didnt imply that too well.

Look at all dis dialogue and dialogue tags without physical description of the characters actions, the setting or anything else, for dat matter!

Well she is bound at the moment, not much she can do in the movement department.

Ok that was not all of the comments, but the major ones. Again Professor_hugbox thank you for the review and input, and I will make some changes based on your suggestions. Thank you and good luck.
>> No. 103974
>>103971

Formatting did not go through and not letting me delete the post. Sorry bout that still new to the site.
>> No. 103977
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103977
>>103971
Sorry, but your full review isn't even done yet. I got distracted and started playing Poker Night at the Inventory. I need to win that watch for the Spy on TF2. Yeah, I know, first review in this thread and I'm already flaking. I got the shades though that Strong Bad bet! Now all of my TF2 characters can run around with style.

No, your review will be more extensive. The comments on the doc are for me to make notes for later and post everything here. There's a lot more to cover that aren't just specific things I have highlighted.

>>103963
>Element of Damnit
Fits all too perfectly.

>>103966
>>103968
Ion's right, you haven't filled out everything correctly. Namely your synopsis doesn't seem to be present. I'd suggest you delete your post and resubmit properly. Please, next time abide by the rules.
>> No. 103978
Woops, should have not sent it to EqD. Welp there goes a strike.
>> No. 103979
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103979
>>103978
Well, it's partly my fault, seeing as I just suddenly STOPPED commenting on the doc, you must have thought I was done. On the other hand, if you look around other threads you'll see that most reviewers do the actual review right here. This is a REVIEW thread, after all. It's where reviews go.
>> No. 103981
File 133799348652.png - (26.28KB , 945x945 , Shrug.png )
103981
>>103895
Well, Foxxy, here we are. The review. The first one of this thread, no less! I'd like to thank you for giving me this chance. Over all of the more experienced reviewers you chose ME! -giggle snort-
(But that's probably because I had no stories in my queue and all of the other reviewers did. But I'll overlook this fact. )

Plot/Concept:
So, let's see here. Chrysalis is like 'Oh nuh I'm bound up' and all of da ponies are da happies but then SETTING CHANGE, all of the climax happens and all of da talking, then she dies. De End.

Everything was very quick, and I didn't really care all that much. Sure, she did this bad stuff, and we've seen the episode, but this story is JUST about the execution. I'm curious about this war. It would have been a lot more interesting to learn more about that, have a build up with her being an antagonist, and THEN execute her. Instead you just say she was captured and go from there.

The story pretty much starts out as Skyrim where we don't really know what the hay is going on but your guy is tired up in the back of a carriage. I don't like Skyrim.

Actually, that's a bad comparison, because everyone seems to love Skyrim. The thing is that it's just so vague. Yeah, you tell us there was a war, but why was there a war? How did it all happen? The American Revolution is a lot more interesting to hear about when we heard about things like guerrilla warfare, the Boston Massacre and the 'Shot Heard Around The World', instead of just saying 'Oh, we broke off from Britain in 1776'

INB4 foreign people.

Specific notes (Some will be repetitive due to just copy and paste from the doc and my comments):

>The Royal Equestrian Army was marching back from battle towards Canterlot, their home. Their latest endeavor, the battle against the changelings, was a success as they had defeated the enemy, and most importantly, captured their leader, Queen Chrysalis.
This is pretty quick. You submerge us with information in the first few sentences of your fic. I suggest you lay out what happened with dialogue a bit later in the story when the information is necessary.

>as the citizens of Canterlot were more focused on the safe and triumphant return of their loved ones.
What about the families of the soldiers that died in battle? There has to be at least a couple.

>This was not what it meant to be in the Royal Equestrian Army.
Why not?

>They viewed the lower classes as uncivilized and barbaric, always turning their noses away from them, Yet here they were, acting like a barbaric, uncivilized mob calling for her blood.
So, why act so barbaric if they looked down upon it? Tell us why they have such a change of heart.

>"I have heard your defense, Chrysalis. I will now consult with my sister so that we may judge the appropriate course of action for your transgression,"
'I'M PISSED AT YOU' 'Well, you said your defense, so we'll discuss the punishment'. Seems a bit bipolar.

Grammar: Not much for here, just remember that colons aren't always the answer, and you kind of keep using them incorrectly... Also, you forget the "Words," dialogue tag rule. Remember "Words," dialogue tag. OR "Words." Character action.

Setting:
Canterlot
Canterlot Castle
That's it. What was Canterlot like on that day? You say it's the morning, but not much other than that. I can just replace 'Canterlot' with 'Foot Locker' and it almost seems the same story to me.

Too lazy for specific notes now, they're in the doc. You know where to look.

Fluency/pacing:
This is a major problem. It's a lot of dialogue at some parts then it's just a bunch of unnecessary description. You have characters talking for WAY too long before something happens, and the fact that you don't add a lot of description with characters doesn't help this fact either. Dialogue tags aren't enough description. Actions speak louder than words. My suggestion is cut down the amount of dialogue spurs that happen, and add a lot more physical description.

It's like you're telling me a story about when you went to Hawaii with your girlfriend, but you won't show me the pictures you took. I need both to get the clearest idea in my mind that I can.

Additional Stuff:
Readers won't care about the music you listened to while writing it or that you suggest they listen to it while they read. The reader is there to READ, not listen. While some may take you up on your offer, most won't feel inclined to.

Now onto the picture score:
>Pic
It was kind of like 'well, it's interesting, and the concept and plot aren't TOO bad, but it was executed poorly. I just kind of give up and give it a :l ' Well, of course I didn't give up, but an average reader probably would have had this kind of reaction. I don't know. I'm thinking more heavily about how to do the reaction pictures
>> No. 103986
>>103981

No worries, again thanks for your input. I guess I left it vague because I did make a story about the war, but people just got too offended and I gave up. However my focus on the story is meant for later chapters, that was my plan.

Again thank you for the honest review and your opinions, good luck with your thread.

Thanks,

Foxy Kimchi
>> No. 104026
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104026
Bumping because I literally have no stories to review. There is one in the queue but there is a submission problem that I need the author to get back to me on, so I cannot review it. I AM A FREE REVIEWER, EVERYPONY. TTG HAS 15 STORIES IN ITS QUEUE, BUT I HAVE NADA, ZIP. No tengo noticias en mi cola (I haven't taken Spanish in years :C)
>> No. 104031
>>104026
Here is a magic trick: grab one from there, post it here.

Aka, what was originally supposed to happen with empty review threads.
>> No. 104033
File 133805465876.png - (28.65KB , 200x160 , WhyRainbow.png )
104033
>>104031
That's a good idea. I'll probably do that. Thanks for that, I just didn't know that I was allowed to post a review for a story in TTG over here.
>> No. 104034
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104034
>>104026
Didn't someone once say "A reviewer is a terrible thing to waste?"

No? Guess I did just now. Sorry.

Another opinion always being useful, and you looking so lonely, here's my concoction:

Title: Rainbow Typhoon
Tags: [Adventure]
Snopsis: Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal, Rainbow Dash's one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt, and with a little help from a storm, that fondest wish is about to come true. But not all weather in Equestria can be controlled, and the plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing at all to a hurricane.
GDoc: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon

It's multi-chaptered, currently over 20k total, so just start with chapter one. The index is hot-linked so its easy to jump to any chapter from the top. There may be comments appearing on later chapters as my proofreader goes through there.
>> No. 104035
File 133805559563.jpg - (42.35KB , 400x557 , memes-playground-assassin.jpg )
104035
>>104033
I pointed it out here, actually:
>>103871
I think the TG's stance on taking reviews and posting them in your thread is an acceptable practice, as long as you link to it in the TG and mark it down as being taken in the queue.
>> No. 104040
Title: Invasion of the Chubbies

Tags: [Comedy] [Random] [Adventure]

Synopsis: Equestria is turned upside down by the arrival of strange and extremely adorable travelers, ones that resemble the Elements of Harmony. With no idea of how they were transported, they must find a way home, and the Mane 6 are just the ponies to help. However, through their search, they'll uncover a plot that endangers not only the travelers, but everything both groups of ponies hold dear.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1krMGNTQHuubiRk-pdcBVLvzmaahy4hXksw5poA1pmrU/edit

This is in progress, and I only have the first chapter done so far, but I'd appreciate a review on what I have.
>> No. 104050
>>103977
Whoops. I don't know why I did that. I'm extremely tired.

Title: Colorblind
Tags: [Sad], [Alternate Universe]
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash's disability keeps her away from her dreams, and drives her away from her friends.
GDoc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oelv0xYxz_yymGS_w7yOp0u3RwRlrQrsPq7n_8eCLa0/edit
>> No. 104059
File 133806801492.png - (50.96KB , 615x615 , Applebloom.png )
104059
>>104040
Added to the queue, my friend! Chubby time!!!
>>104050
It's alright, we all have our off moments. Thank you for resubmitting correctly. Added to the queue! Though let me say first off, your synopsis is really, really vague. I don't really know how to fix it at the moment because I haven't read it, but I'll put it in my final review


>>103953
>>103905
24 hours since I had brought up the issue of multiple submissions without a reply. Removed from the queue. You may resubmit at any time granted you have fixed previous issues.
>> No. 104076
>>104059
Thanks! Yeah, I'm getting help from a friend with my synopsis, I'm not too great at writing them
>> No. 104098
File 133809439188.jpg - (14.68KB , 441x298 , HorseDomest.jpg )
104098
Hello, Professor. I've already submitted this to Nick and Seattle's thread, but I'd like your opinions as well.

Title: "The Savage Way"
Tags: [Adventure][Sci-Fi][Human]
Synopsis: A disaster at sea strands Caramel on an island with one other survivor: a human immigrant. They agree to work together, but Caramel's new friend may not be as benevolent as he seems.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b9hlmckdYoweAGLxhx_ypKKZoqmnO-8EFFvLrpUJcxk/edit?pli=1

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 104154
File 133814090712.jpg - (26.73KB , 214x235 , 10022_r.jpg )
104154
>>104098
Normally I wouldn't take multiple submissions at once, but I read Seattle's post about how they're gonna have me look at it first. So welcome to the queue, friend. Tomorrow it should be finished, since I have a few more in my queue before you. Tuesday at the latest. It's funny how this thread has 45 posts yet only one review in it so far. I hope the next thread goes more smoothly.
>> No. 104174
File 133814679145.jpg - (2.05KB , 102x119 , 133662293151s.jpg )
104174
>>104050
Hey Azidae, let's start with your review of Colorblind!

Plot/concept: It has some major flaws, unfortunantely. For one: Rainbow Dash has acknowledged colors before in the show, in at least one instance. As I review this I don't have access to Youtube to confirm, but I'm pretty sure that in Suited for Success she acknowledges the colors of her dress. The Alternative Universe tag won't cut this as an excuse, I'm sorry. Alternate Universe stories are usually ones where changes are drastic or that the story acknowledges the fact that their universe isn't Equestria Prime. You can't just have Applejack not like apples and justify it with Alt. Universe, it still stretches believability.

You also have the fact that none of her friends had NEVER noticed before that she was colorblind? That seems really, really hard to believe. I am understand normal colorblindness where one color is offset, but you say that she can only see black and white. That's pretty big.

Later on in the story you have Spitfire kiss RD's cheek. It's a sudden lesbian innuendo action that you just never really bring up again. There's no justification for WHY Spitfire would be so ultra-'friendly' to do this. Hugging would have sufficed with the feelings here, but instead you add that. It messes it all up.

At one point Rarity TAKES HER PRESENT BACK, RUNS AWAY, AND COMES BACK LIKE THREE MINUTES LATER for what? To fix a stinking bow. We know that Rarity is like, ultra OCD, but this seems a bit ridiculous and it seems you only did this was to emphasis her character. It didn't advance the plot at all and actually might have hindered the pacing of it. I don't think Rarity would have been like 'not gonna tell my friends anything while I run off with RD's gift and fix it for 3 minutes'.

Twilight's a moron in this.
'I failed my vision test cause I'm colorblind'
'Oh, Rainbow Dash, what happened?'
She failed her vision test and she's colorblind, Twilight.

Your attempt at pulling heartstrings near the end is just hindered completely by these plotholes. I can't get into the story enough to care when RD is crying in joy over Rarity's gift despite the fact that she can't see the colors. RD's chracter is actually pretty good in this story, except for the part where she cries SO SUDDENLY at being told she failed the vision test. It's like immediate and you build nothing up to it.

Pacing:
Fast. But it is kind of a fast story. I think you should slow it down in between when they jump out of their hiding spots to when Rd tells her about the colorblindness. Twilight's just like 'yo what's up' 'I'm colorblind'

Also the pacing in the flashback is a bit fast, but I don't know how to fix that, really.

Setting: Not much for this. You establish it's in the barn, but there's not much other than that.

Grammar:
You have some minor typos here and there which I stated in the doc. Otherwise your grammar is pretty good.

Writing Style:
You seem to add too much at unimportant intervals and vise versa. Just identify what your important parts are and add more description and depth to those scenes other than the unimportant things. That will also help with your pacing.

Additional stuff:
Don't just put as a note at the end that she can't see any colors, show us in the story. You can do it. I believe in you

Overall:

That plot man. So many things are wrong with it. If you fix those things then you got a pretty solid short story. You could really do more with the fact that she can't see any colors (Implying you actually justify it) Maybe have everyone find out eventually and go from there.

Picture Score: This is based so much on the plot
>Pic

Keep writing!
>> No. 104183
>>104154

I await with bated breath.
>> No. 104263
File 133820456828.gif - (875.28KB , 400x326 , tumblr_lyj96n4m6z1qm6tv1o1_400.gif )
104263
>>104059
>mfw I come back from camping trip and realize I dun' goofed.

I owe you an apology, and and explanation I suppose. I knew about the 'no more than two active reviews' rule, I didn't know you needed to be told as well. And then camping trip, so I apologize about that.

I'll see what they have to say on the Training Grounds first, then I'll come to you for a double opinion, and possibly more depth, ...If .. if thats o-okay with you.
>> No. 104281
>>104263
No problem, mate, everyone makes mistakes. Hell, I just got a thread locked for making it about recommended political fiction when I shoukd have posted it in the 'recommended Story Thread' (though it was also a discussion thread, which I'm going to go slap Ion around with a wet noodle about)

Anyways, just resubmit when you are ready for a review.
>> No. 104283
Hey there, I'd like to ask you if you could review my fic:

Title: Rarity's Bad Mane Day
Tags: Comedy/Slice of Life
Words: 7016
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D_RG4RxCBpoeuWKFcIvyXBHKnUhZykpha4s_UUvDnQg/edit
Summary: Sweetie Belle pulls a prank on Rarity, but a good laugh is not the only thing that she wants.

So uh... that's it. I'd really appreciate some help.
I sent my fic for revision with Golden Vision as well, but I hope that's not a problem. I want to polish my fic as much as I can.
So um, thanks if you take your time to review it.
>> No. 104285
File 133821969778.png - (102.78KB , 500x545 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-because-theyre-muffins.png )
104285
>>104283
I'll make a note to put this in my next thread. So many things will be put in that one. I'd rather if you get you opinion from Golden first. It looks like you're the first one to post in his new thread, and he'll probably get to you first because of it. Most reviewers will have you only do one at a time, as well. It would be better for you to get one revision going and then submit it to another review after once it's better quality than to give your current version to two reviewers and get a lot of the same stuff. We're not one big reviewer machine, but normally we catch a lot of the same things with some other things being personal preference. I hope that makes sense.
>> No. 104286
File 133821971265.jpg - (223.44KB , 1024x768 , 54094 - applejack bar berry_punch braeburn rainbow_dash real_life.jpg )
104286
>>104281
3/4 of the thread seemed like it was centered around showing you a good political story :| . Your bit at the end seemed more like an addendum, like an /oat/ thread inviting people to RP and then legitimizing its presence by saying, "Oh, and also post ponies".
But then again, I'd just woken up, so my addled brain may have just glazed over the other parts >_<
>> No. 104288
File 133822025538.png - (133.03KB , 878x829 , 132493976754.png )
104288
>>104286
Well, if it seemed that way I'm sorry, that was not the intention. I was actually interested in people's opinions on rather or not we should have that sort of thing in our fanfiction community. I was actually expecting people to say things like they do with all of those Religious fictions on FimFiction 'DON'T MIX MAI PONES WITH CONTROVVEERRSSIIAAL TOPECS'

>Sage
>> No. 104295
File 133822453536.png - (455.43KB , 580x434 , sdbxsd.png )
104295
>>104288
Sorry : [
You shouldn't worry about that around here. Even clop, during the rare occasion that topic comes up in /fic/, is discussed in a civil manner.
In fact, I'm a little bit insulted that you would compare /fic/ to FimFiction. It's like putting your grandma's apple pie beside a store bought one; sure, they're both pies, but one is going to be delicious and the other is most likely going to make you feel sick.
>> No. 104296
Title: Ms. Rarity
Tags: Slice of Life, Action, Mystery.
Synopsis: Rarity is a high-class fashion designer, with a good taste in dresses and very classy. But, what it highlights is her great appreciation of the details, Is it possible that she can use that skill for something else?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kgUDupyMp44CZpmMzndT-_JsifWfE_rvlidhpXP8fgI/edit
>> No. 104298
Howdy Prof!

I just wanted to ask, when you say you won't accept stories over 20k but chapter stories are okay, does that you might review a 36,000 word story if it was broken into 4k chunks?

Sorry if that's a really dumb question, still new to all this fic/reviewing malarky. :S

:)

Thanks!
>> No. 104299
File 133822616730.jpg - (33.90KB , 600x399 , HAYGUISE.jpg )
104299
>>104298
Yes, that is allowed, but each chapter is its own post in the queue, meaning when I'm done with that chapter you'll have to wait for the rest of the queue to be reviewed if people submitted after your first chapter. Does that make sense?

>>104296
Added to the qqquuueeeuuuee (I don't like Rarity)

>>104295
Eh. That's all I got to say to that.

I'm going to the pool today, and I want to write a bit of this idea I've had in my head for a while. It includes ROBOT PONIES. HAHAHAHA. So it will be slow today.
>> No. 104301
File 133822798529.jpg - (33.67KB , 430x314 , 132252331404.jpg )
104301
>>104299

Clear as crystal! :D

I'll need to transfer mine over from FiMFiction to GDocs and stuff anyway. I'll split it into chapters and submit individually. :)

Thanks dood! :D
>> No. 104367
File 133826665494.jpg - (7.62KB , 240x180 , Marina.jpg )
104367
Heya Prof.

You mentioned wanting to review this story over in Minty's thread, and Minty is done with it, so I figured getting more eyes on it wouldn't hurt. Hope you enjoy.

Title: A Hop, Skip, and a... Slide?

Synopsis: Magic and technology have coexisted for years thanks to a set of tentative rules enacted by Equestria's ruling body seventy-five years ago. Now, as the trial periods end and debates resume, an eager Twilight delves into literature on the subject. However, Twilight's search will send her and her friends on an adventure across worlds, where everything they know about their society will be changed.

Tags: [Crossover][Adventure]

Additional Tags: Into the vortex, Sliders

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CojAOX-ske8wpue3fOjKp6v-4lXkcnVe2fUTXQDqWyg/edit
>> No. 104369
File 133826715364.jpg - (135.36KB , 413x470 , LezDoDis.jpg )
104369
>>104367
Thanks for getting me an official submission on this one. It's been a long while since I've watched Sliders, but I'll be able to kink out whatever needs to be done. I'm working through a bit of a backup, though. My family decided to plan a bunch of things for the week WITHOUT TELLING ME. I'll add it in the queue in the morning. Promise.
>> No. 104408
File 133830877117.gif - (2.38MB , 320x180 , Twilight_Sparkle_dammit.gif )
104408
I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this so early on, but I realize now that this is a mess anyways. Next time I'll probably do what Sturm said and create a Tag-Team thread. Live and learn, I suppose

THE QUEUE IS NOW CLOSED UNTIL CURRENT REVIEWS ARE FINISHED

Gotta finish these reviews before anything else. I'm afraid of getting too many and then overworking myself to get things done. I promise I'll have everything more organized later with my life, this thread, and the way I do reviewing. I'm terribly sorrow. I probably don't even deserve a thread.

>Related Gif

>>104296
Wow, woops! You must have forgotten to give me permission Firo to your document. Would you mind enabling comments while you're at it too? Thanks!
>> No. 104411
File 133831266771.jpg - (111.44KB , 400x400 , 21150044.jpg )
104411
>>104040
Alright, sorry about the terrible delay, but I have a review for you.

This story so far was cute, but it lacks any real depth so far. The thing about this story is that you give all of the characters a Chubbie for seemingly no reason. While I understand that the characters later on in the story will realize WHY, right now you don't have them question it TOO much. Twilight has a theory later on about the Elements, but it's arbitrary, and without anything to back up the theory. You give all of the characters a Chubbie, and you have Twilight go find each one, but it doesn't advance the plot at all. It's very predictable that each character will have a chubbie, so instead of pacing this scene slow, you need to do it faster. It sort of just... drags on.I skimmed through a lot of it because I knew what was going to happen. The only thing that threw off my prediction was that damn, random earthquake. I can't say much about that, because I'm assuming you'll actually use it as a plotpoint. PLEASE don't use it as a device to just advance the story, it's so random it's obvious you did it to just build a bridge in your story; that is, if you don't use it in the actual plot, like for example if the cross of these two universes are causing some rift in the universe and that makes earthquakes. I'm not saying that has to be it, just an example.

>Picture reaction for this
>Click for better viewing of the words

Anyways, here's some other things:
You have a serioues case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Here's a link to the definition or something like that: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lavender%20Unicorn%20Syndrome
A few examples:
the baffled unicorn
the marshmallow entity
the blob

Have you ever read the book 'Red Badge of Courage'? Not a lot of people have, so I'll assume you haven't, either. That's okay.
Henry, a young man that goes to fight for the Union in the Civil War and faces the horrible experiences of war. The author uses the pronoun 'The Youth' more than he says his name. Now you may be asking yourself 'So, he uses a pronoun instead of his name, just like I was doing'. Yes, BUT here's the difference between Red Badge of Courage and Chubbies: Context. The author in RBoC uses that pronoun to exemplify the fact that he is a young boy in a war that would normally be fought by men. It is about his struggles in the army yet being so young and watching all of his friends die. It is the CONTEXT of the story that gives these pronouns meaning, and the underlying theme of the book that also gives it meaning. Saying 'the unicorn' has nothing to do with the sentence nor the story. Saying 'The Marshmellow entity' either. Saying 'The small pony' DOES because you're reminding us of the fact that they are small. If it's unimportant to the sentence, just use their name. I realize that most authors will try to stray away from saying 'she' and 'Twilight' for repetition, but it seems quite silly something how authors will use unneccesary pronouns. /endrant

Another issue you have is a lot of OoC. A lot of it. Mainly Twilight. You have her just accept the fact that there's a parallel world with chubbie ponies. It seems more unlikely than Pinkie's Pinkie Sense, and she questioned that with a burning PASSION. And blob Twilight's just like 'Oh, there's these big ponies everywhere. SEEMS LEGIT'. They seem to just accept the fact that there's another one of them that's bigger/smaller.

Rarity is just awfully cruel to her chubby when you first introduce them.

Also, how does this book know about the Chubbies and yet Twilight knew absolutely nothing about it? How did the book know in the first place?

Overall, you got a lot of work to do. Your writing style and grammar are pretty fine in my opinion, except you do weird things with verbs. When the book hits Twilight in the head you say the book had 'connected' with her head. connected? That doesn't sound right. Don't use words just to sound smart. If you're not sure about a word and if it works with what you're saying, use a simpler one.

So, yep.

Don't stop writing! I hope to see you back again!
>> No. 104528
>>104408 Yeah, sorry about that. I think I fixed the problem, so, here's the link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kgUDupyMp44CZpmMzndT-_JsifWfE_rvlidhpXP8fgI/edit
>> No. 104532
File 133832999735.png - (28.65KB , 200x160 , WhyRainbow.png )
104532
>>104528
Sorry to be picky, but would you mind changing the color of the font to the original black? That offset grey color kind of bugs me. You can change it back when I'm done. Sorry, it's just. Bleh.
>> No. 104540
Thanks for the review, I appreciate it.
>> No. 104564
File 133835349782.jpg - (6.30KB , 264x191 , 20348965-457.jpg )
104564
>>104408
>THE QUEUE IS NOW CLOSED UNTIL CURRENT REVIEWS ARE FINISHED
Oh, so soon. That's upsetting. Well I was going to submit a story for review, but I see your queue is closed, so I'll just wait then.
>> No. 104566
>>104564
You can submit, I'll make an exception, but it might take a bit. That's the main reason I closed it because of how long it'd take. It'd be frustrating to me and to everyone else. Though I've seen your work, I'm excited to see your improvement (even if it's not the same story)
>> No. 104574
File 133835609623.jpg - (5.87KB , 269x187 , scootaletter.jpg )
104574
>>104566
Well okay then. This isn't a full story, it's just the latest chapter to one. I focused mainly on emotional content so I'm hoping for feedback on that if you can. If you want to read the full version first there's a link on the doc, but it's over 8k words and being rewritten.

Title: A Special Mare (final chapter)
Summary: Derpy Hooves returns to Ponyville after years away, with little Dinky in tow, she meets her old friends but doesn’t recognize them, as she searches for a job and a place to stay.
Words: 1788
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Imajrj2ZgX1ZGgJtEO3nlvi-IDRYWHDdn5xKsLUCfEQ/edit

I also sent this to Mintyrest.
>> No. 104580
>>104574
I'll add it to the queue in the morning.
>>104098
YOU! I have one thing to say to you.

Bravo. Bravo good sir! Usually I read these stories with a reviewers head in place, but I became entralled with your story. It's very hard to find things wrong with this, I am very ashamed to say that. A more seasoned reviewer might have something more to say, but I absolutist loved it.

You use a good use of pacing, but I felt that you didn develop enough of a relationship between Laex and Caramel. I know they agreed to just be surviving partners, but explanations on what the contest was and how Alex got his survival skills wpuld have been nice. He seems to just KNOW everything. Some people might see this as a Mary Sue. Your pacing on what you gave us was perfect, though. Well, almost. The dialogue between them was a bit quick. It seemed like they would take for about a minute then just leave each other alone for an extended amount of time.

You foreshadow excellently, and I was surprised by the end that you tricked me! Well played! It was well fitted though, seeing as this is from Caramel's point of view.

I want to know what happened to the boots. I might have missed it but I don't think I did. You never explain what happened to them or gave us enough to infer something of.

"You're a funny guy, Mel." I chuckled at that. This is a really good fic. It needs a bit of strengthening here and there, but this is quality. I'm on an iPod and unable to give you a picture score, but go look up that meme 'dis is gonna be good'. It's a gif of that Gangster dude withrhe chair. It's really well thought out.

Im not much for HiE fic's, but this was played out with enough vagueness to not really notice, but yet justifying why this was a human character and not a pony, since that's a major plot point. Submit this to EqD once you kink out those little things. Please
>> No. 104581
>>104098
Forgot to add a title and deleting rge post is frustrating on and IPod. The review is here
>>104580
>> No. 104585
File 133836286891.jpg - (166.32KB , 527x450 , Horse-Skull-Drawing-lg.jpg )
104585
>>104580

Thanks! I knew it would be either really bad, or really good. Would you believe my last story went over like a lead pegasus?

>He seems to just KNOW everything. Some people might see this as a Mary Sue.

I would never have caught that. Where I grew up, that stuff was common knowledge. (I had a weird childhood.)

>I want to know what happened to the boots.

They were genuine leather, so he ate them. It's happened in real life, but I thought saying it out loud would cause unintended laughter. I'll work on it.

>Submit this to EqD once you kink out those little things.

Well, I guess I'd better scrounge up a cover illustration. Thanks again.
>> No. 104602
File 133838925985.jpg - (88.90KB , 960x960 , 537922_277260269019117_195346210543857_618956_1073422605_n.jpg )
104602
>>104585
I think what your problem is being able to accommodate to the knowledge of the common reader. I don't think the common reader would know that genuine leather is edible. I would have never thought to eat that if I was stranded on an island.

I went to Scout Camp when I was younger and learned a lot of survival skills, and I still didn't know as much as this guy. You can simply explain it by saying he trained as a sailor for many years and was taught survival skills should this sort of this happen.
>> No. 104667
File 133842999277.png - (81.65KB , 844x564 , Awww.png )
104667
>>104574
Woops, I should check these things when people post them instead of later when I actually get to it. You've seem to have forgotten to give me permission to the doc! Make sure you enable comments, too!
>> No. 104708
File 133844172177.jpg - (4.44KB , 211x239 , scootaloo facehoof.jpg )
104708
>>104667
Oops, I forgot about that, I'd left it private so nopony would bother me while I was writing. It should be fine now.

The final word count came to 2709 if you wanted to know.
>> No. 104713
>>104708
No worries, I'll get right on it when I get a chance

Update:
I'm still getting a hang of this. I thought it wpuld be easy to replace the seven hours I'm in school with this, but the extra time seems to invite other aspects into my life. Structure is what I'm tryingto achieve, and I'm sorry for you people that wondered up to my thread, thinking that I'm someone whose had experience and can whip these out in a timely matter. I'm appreciative no one has complained at all.

Maybe I'm just a little paranoid about people secretly being frustrated about my slow review times without saying a word. I don't like to upset people. I'm here to help people. I'm new to this, I'll pick up my shit eventually.

/EndMoaningAndFeelingSorryForMyselfTangent
>> No. 104771
>>104713

Take as long as you need.
>> No. 104806
File 133852210661.png - (127.09KB , 887x901 , scootaloo_by_bocian3000-d3flr4n.png )
104806
>>104713
Hey don't sweat it, we understand, you have a life, so do we all. Just because some ponies have more time than you, or are faster at responding than you, doesn't mean we think you're a bad reviewer. You're donating your own time to this board, and nopony is paying you. When something's free you don't complain about it. If there's anypony that isn't willing to wait for a good review, then they shouldn't be here. Take all the time you need my friend.
>> No. 104877
File 133857408600.gif - (131.80KB , 200x200 , 4e8.gif )
104877
Title: Life without you: chapter 1
Tags: Sad, Romance/ Shipping
Synopsis:Into the darkness she falls, hair swept high by the cruel hand which guides her. A drab world in her vision, a world of depression in which she now lives. In the hoof of another she walks into the light, in the love of another she feels the sun's warmth. Only with them can she live again, only with them is the world bearable.

This is the journey of seeing the world once again, and the faithful companion who allows this to happen.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bFYROhuFAQg7ujLGpyJ0lZT5MBlhMYOx6fr4Aw0ruXY/edit
>> No. 104913
File 133858393394.png - (88.99KB , 404x380 , WHATILEARNED.png )
104913
>>104877
Darn! I hate to have to do this to a writer I like so much, but for the moment the queue is closed! I'm finishing up 3 reviews at the same time (Because It's somehow easier for me that way) And once that's done I'm going to open up a new thread that caters to new writers (That doesn't mean you can't get a review, thought). Please come back then. Thank you for keeping me in mind as a reviewer, but things have been hectic lately.
>> No. 104916
File 133858529565.jpg - (6.44KB , 220x229 , 2748523875623.jpg )
104916
>>104913
You're going to open up a new thread? Does that mean you're deleting this one? If you're planning on running two different threads, I hope you're up to the task. Food for thought.
>> No. 104923
File 133858826357.jpg - (97.09KB , 720x619 , 132620688091.jpg )
104923
>>104916
Woops, I guess it slipped through my mind while I was writing this post. I'm going to ask for a lock on this one once I get those reviews done.

I can barely keep up with one thread now, no way I'm going to do TWO threads.
Oh lord.
>> No. 104935
>>104923
I wish I were so lucky, my thread barely gets any traffic. I've been up for over a month and I'm only at 125 posts. I should tag up with somepony.
>> No. 104938
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104938
>>104935
Welp, I was thinking of tagging up with someone anyways, how about after we get some things done with our current threads we tag-team it?
>> No. 104941
>>104938
Why not the two newbies? Or newbiests. Minja a Hug thread anyone?
>> No. 104957
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104957
>>104941
Anon has a point, we are the two newest members of this community. Why not?

Before Ion gloats about his prediction that I wouldn't last 200 posts, this is not me quitting, it's simply shifting to a different thread, if it happens of course.
>> No. 104964
>>104957
^_^
>> No. 104984
File 133861128290.gif - (36.07KB , 512x512 , 90468 - animated artist-The_Weaver artist-Zarkith colored dance dancing edit twilight_sparkle.gif )
104984
>>104957
Ion did the same for me, so to make up for it we'll have to get 200 in the new thread to accommodate the rest of our posts needed.

>>104367
Alright, Flashgen, let me first say this isn't bad at all, but it does need some work.

My main problem with this is your pacing. If the pacing was better my other little problems with it would be resolved through natural occurrences.

Here's what I read. A different Universal Twilight and Spike dropped off some blueprints for Twilight to find and build the Timer. Protagonist Twilight is like 'Oh, COOL, IT HAS NUMBERS ON IT FOR TIME' and builds it. Then they go through the vortex to another world. The thing is it's really, really quick. You state non of the importance with the Timer, you just have her start BUILDING it. What might have been good would to have had more of a theory about the Timer before she started building it, and through the process continue to theorize about this, while giving us a bit of background on this 'Technomagic Act', because I doubt we're ever gonna hear about it again once they start going all over the Multiverse.

If that stuff is corrected it will satisfy my issue of Twilight being OoC. She seems to just throw caution to the wind about this device. Some weird blueprint shows up in one of her books, why should she trust it? It might be some trick by some antagonist to destroy the Elements of Harmony! The possibilities that could have run through her mind! Yet, you didn't have that happen. You quickly have her play into the plot points without developing any substance to Twilight's relationship with the Timer. I say 'Relationship' because if you're planning on doing things quite like Sliders, Twilight will start to get pissed at this device after a while like Quinn does.

Overall, I'm looking forward to seeing more of this. If you slow it down a bit you'll be fine. You just seem to jump in too quickly with everything, moving from plot point to plot point without a breather.

Keep writing!

>>104964
Ohyou.
>> No. 105019
>>104984

I'll take a look at it, but Twilight does think she has an idea of what it does, so maybe a section of Twi and Spike talking about it while she's piecing things together wouldn't hurt. I'm just worried it'll come across as bland exposition is all. Kinda want to get to all the world hoppin', not gonna lie, but a good setup has to come first.

I'll see about dropping a revised one by in a week or two, along with, hopefully, a second chapter.
>> No. 105027
>>104913
Okay, so should I repost on your other thread or email it to you later or something?
>> No. 105029
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105029
Posting this here because you're more likely to see it here. I've completed writing an OP for the new thread, and just need you to look at it and tell me the edits you'd like me to make, after providing your own information of course.
Here's the link to the Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NcUUEa01la0DaVNAilT2M6zCGsajIWP_iXEaBd4b3jg/edit and shoot me an email at [email protected] to let me know when you'll be looking at it, so we can edit it together. Can't wait to post the new thread, this should be fun.
>> No. 105035
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105035
>>105027
Yes, we'll be posting our new thread today, but I see you've already made a request in TTG now. If a reviewer takes your fic then I'd prefer you have them review it first. If we make our thread before then, then I will happily put it in my queue and claim it on TTG.

>>104296
Firo65
Your story 'Ms. Rarity' is still being reviewed, but I'm moving threads. Your review will be placed in my new thread, so look out for it. It will be under Minjask's name or mine. Sorry for the delay, IRL stuff matched with the fact that your story is a bit hard to read, which isn't your fault. It's plain to see that you're a foreigner with not a lot of English Fiction experience.

Requesting Lock
>> No. 105063
>>105035
Oh, Jesus, please, excuse me for that. I tried my best to make it easy to read, but it seems I need more practice. Thanks for your patience!
>> No. 105068
File 133865950420.png - (78.79KB , 351x351 )
105068
Thread locked as requested.
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