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105043 No. 105043
Welcome to our review thread. Professor Hugbox and Minjask, at your service, we are happy to assist you in any way we can, as long as it involves reviewing your story.

This is a thread for new writers, or writers new to /fic/, but more seasoned authors are welcome here as well. We’ll look at your carefully crafted fanwork, and come back to you with any helpful tips or corrections we can find.
Neither of us is very picky about just what we’ll look at, but here are some rules and guidelines to get you started.

1) READ THE STICKY! The sticky is your friend, it contains helpful tips and resources that will make everypony’s life easier.
2) NO GORE OR PORN! Hey, we didn’t write the rules. If your story falls outside the acceptable content guidelines for ponychan, send it to one of us via email. Hugbox is more likely to enjoy that stuff, send it to him if he’s not overloaded with fics. Hugbox: [email protected] Minjask: [email protected]
3) Be patient , and polite. We volunteer our free time to look over your work thoroughly. If you’re not willing to wait for a quality review, you’re in the wrong place.
4) Never stop writing We’re here to help you, not put you down. Don’t feel discouraged by our review. Even if you decide to scrap your story idea, keep practicing. We hope to see you improve.

That said, here’s how we both operate.

I specialize in plot holes and IC checks, but I will point out grammar and punctuation mistakes if I spot them. If I like something in your story I’ll tell you, but I won’t hesitate to inform you of my distaste for something either. Don’t worry, I’m usually very friendly. Just remember that Scootaloo is best pony and we should get along fine. You can usually expect a reply from me within 24 hours, be it your review or to tell you when I’ll get to it, and I tend to be on here later at night, so you might get a quicker response if your post lands between the hours of 10pm and 2am EST. If you meet me on GDocs, feel free to chat with me about your story, I’ve always been a fan of interactive reviews.

If I’m somehow not killing heavies with my flame thrower in Team Fortress 2, you can expect a pretty good review from me. I specialize in nothing particular, but I do have a better handle on the actual writing than the story, but that’s not to say I can’t pinpoint when you’re just going from plot point to plot point or if Twilight Sparkle is OoC. Don’t make her OoC, she is best pony. I will only accept Google Docs, and please have those comments enabled! I accept anything, and I will be more than happy to point out exactly what is wrong with your multi-colored neon Alicorn OC that is the mother of Celestia, Luna, and somehow Twilight Sparkle. In other words, I will show you the tropes of this fandom, and how to avoid them.

Formatting your post
*If you would like either of us to specifically review your story, make a request in your submission, otherwise it will go to whichever one of us jumps on it first.
*We heavily prefer Google Docs with commenting enabled, as it makes the whole review much easier. Minjask doesn’t mind Fimfiction or Fanfiction, but unless you’re specifically requesting him, it would be in your best interest to copy/paste your story onto GDocs before submitting.
*Include the title of your story, the proper tags , a summary [u/] , a [u] word count , and a link to your story of course. Don’t forget to have sharing and comments enabled.
*If your story is longer than 15 thousand words you must indicate which sections of it you want us to look at, or it will not be reviewed. At least not by Minjask Hugbox: cause he’s a pansy
*Finally, if there is something specific about your story you would like us to look at, mention it in your post, otherwise you’ll just get a normal review.

http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Characters If you're unsure about a character's personality and you're afraid of writing a character OoC, check out their wiki page.We will usually refer you here if I see your character OoC
http://www.onlyfiction.net/ms-test.html This is a Mary Sue test, and we will redirect you here if your character fits the picture. If you're afraid of having a Mary Sue character, take the test.
EZN’s Guide. http://derpy.me/EznGuide We highly suggest you read it. It contains a lot of useful information about fanfiction writing, and will definitely help you improve as a writer.
http://tinyurl.com/HugboxGuideToTropes. This is Hugbox’s list of common things seen in the fandom that either don’t work anymore due to the repetition, or that have never worked.
http://derpy.me/hljkq This is Minjask’s OC writing guide. It will help explain why your OC should not be an alicorn, and which pony type it should be

The Queue will be run on a first come first serve basis, unless one of us takes a particular interest in your story. You can check out the status of the Queue here: http://tinyurl.com/MinjaskAndHugbox

If you’ve read this far into the OP, good for you, because we’re about to give you a helpful hint that will make things easier.
*Sad or adventure fics are Minjask’s favorite, and will most likely jump a few priority bars if the stories in his queue haven’t been sitting for too long.
*Adventure and darker toned (Not neccesarily ‘Dark’ per say though) Fics are Hugbox’s favorite, and will most likely pick that up first if others haven’t been waiting too long.

And one last thing: Scootaloo is best pony. Hugbox:Unless you’re Twilight Sparkle Now send those suckers in!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 105046
File 133864937778.png - (23.22KB , 945x945 , shrugponyscootaloo.png )
> summary [u/] , a [u] word count
It just doesn't like me I guess.
>> No. 105047
File 133864945197.jpg - (2.05KB , 102x119 , 133662293151s.jpg )
I just noticed how very, very long this post is. Maybe it was a bad idea to put so much stuff in here.
>> No. 105048
The rules are first, you have the introduction, the rest is just good gravy in case people are curious.
>> No. 105060
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Tags: [Slice of Life], possibly [Dark], although I don't know if it has enough elements to merit it. I've gone back and forth with this. Would love some feedback on it.

Synopsis: Synopsis: Due to Twilight trying to activate the Elements of Harmony by herself in the battle against Nightmare Moon, half of the Element's power was transferred to the Bearers when they were smashed. Celestia discovers this, but withholds the information. The Mane 6 continue on with their lives, unawares.
However, two months later, Celestia's hoof is forced when a tragedy from twenty years prior rears its ugly head. And so, she sends thirteen members of the Royal Guard to monitor the Bearers for signs of their latent powers beginning to manifest.
A race against time begins. The Elements of Harmony cannot be used until the Bearers have fully recovered, but time is not something that the members of the Royal Guard have in great supply, for they carry a secret of their own, originating from the distant past.
Will the Bearers recover in time? Will they discover the truth on their own? What are Celestia's motives? What are the individual powers of the Elements of Harmony?
And most importantly of all: What is the Zodiac Ritual?

Word Count: 12,723
Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B46rC7HFv-bHTWp1ZUwzczBUbVE/edit


This story is currently being reviewed by Nick here: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/103290.html

But I would like to get as many eyes on it as possible. I am only requesting feedback for the Prologue and Chapter 1. (The story thus far is pushing 60k atm)

What I'm looking for:
-The story primarily takes place in Ponyville, does this mean it's a Slice of Life only, or do you think it deserves an Adventure tag, as well?
-Do you understand the direction that the story is going?
-Do you see anything that's OOC?
-SvT. How am I doing?
-What questions do you have? There are elements that are intentionally vague.
-How is my writing style overall?
-What do you think of the overall concept? Is it something that you're interested in seeing where it goes?
-Do you think the synopsis conveys too much information?

-Known problems:
-The opening is weak. Right now I'm giving it the 'step away for a few weeks and rewrite it' treatment because I've done it so many times it just feels like a mishmash of crap.
-The prologue might convey information too quickly. Let me know what you think.
>> No. 105074
File 133866134094.jpg - (26.73KB , 214x235 , 10022_r.jpg )
I don't know about Minjask, but I usually require that your first review request be satisfied, you fix up your story based on that, and come back when you've made changes based upon your reviewer's review. Nick is good at it, he'll be able to provide a better review than Minjask and I combined.
>> No. 105078
File 133866702445.jpg - (774.15KB , 1200x1200 , 118283+-+artist+lunarapologist+Colgate+Lyra+Trixie+twilight_sparkle+unicorn_corps.jpg )
After a very long writing hiatus, I am pleased to finally be able to post something for reviews. It is only the prologue so far, but I want to make it really good, since it'll be the first thing people read. Your review will be my first review of this fic. Without further ado, here it is.

Title: Ultimatum
Tags: [Adventure][Dark]
Synopsis: What is the price one is willing to pay to regain what they hold dear?

The ponies of Equestria will have to question themselves as they’re thrust into the largest event in history. They’ll have to do the unspeakable, and possibly lose their peace of mind, if only to keep the lives they cherish so dearly the same.

There shall be no mercy.

Word count: 4862
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UPrefi4cRq2DOZsJBrbUa-dQOi7H4bU3Le1ZgjS3DVY/edit

I'm going to request that the review is from Minjask, since he's supposedly better at catching plot holes and the like, which is what I think I need more right now That doesn't mean I don't care about you, Hugbox. I love you both equally.

The main problem that I'm concerned with is whether or not I keep Stormcrasher's character consistent throughout the entire prologue. Other things I'm concerned with are, but are not limited to:
-Do I keep it interesting enough?
-Is it too much for just a prologue, and if so, what parts could I potentially get rid of to reduce the length?
-Do I leave it off on a cliffhanger, like i originally intended?
-S vs T?

Feel free to be as vicious as you'd like. It is only my first draft, so I know for a fact that there's much to be improved upon, I'd just like to know where. Thanks a bunch guys!
>> No. 105091
File 133868084281.jpg - (12.66KB , 225x225 , scootaloo pooped.jpg )
My apologies to those in the queue, but I will most likely not be posting any reviews this evening. I'm not feeling myself today and I can hardly think straight. So I'm taking the night off to give my mind a rest, in the hopes that I'll feel better tomorrow.
>> No. 105093
File 133868217810.png - (508.23KB , 1200x1067 , 96265 - artist virenth Discord discordia Eris rule_63.png )
Dude, take a break.

Looks like you've been enthusiastically posting and responding and offering insight on a regular basis. Too regular. You deserve some rest (more, if you've already taken a break recently).
>> No. 105094
File 133868316202.png - (172.08KB , 963x829 , Luna.png )
I wonder if anyone in the fandom ever thought about doing a pony specific mary sue test. I found Minjask's guide much more helpful than the test.
>> No. 105106
File 133868887206.png - (136.56KB , 340x370 , 132547462520.png )
I've been having connection problems all day, so you're not alone when it comes to not being able to perform duties to the thread today. Take a break as needed. I'll take care of what needs to be done.

The test just shows you it's a Mary Sue, not to tell you how NOT to make one. But I agree. I might make one one day,

I believe Minjask shares a similar mentality that I do. We have our responsibilities IRL, but we also have a responsibility to do as we said we're gonna do: Offer reviews in a thread we made in a timely manner. This is one reason why we made the Tag-Team thread, because we both were experiencing the problem (Or at least I noticed we both had it, scanning through Minjask's last thread) that we can't seem to juggle a lot of things at once, and a partner makes that easier.

Adding to the queue, and putting your reviewer as Minjask unless he says otherwise. Thank you for providing weak points that you'd like us to take a look at, it helps make our jobs easier and to get you what you need.
>> No. 105110

I dunno maybe it's me but the test almost seems too vague and hard to apply to a cartoon pony.
>> No. 105112
File 133869013944.jpg - (41.74KB , 680x609 , ComeAtMeBro.jpg )
Yeah, well the test is supposed to be very vague because it's supposed to cover ANY given character from any universe ever. It serves its purpose with a lot of outlets of fiction, but ponies run differently, I agree. It's a good test overall, just doesn't satisfy our specific needs.
>> No. 105117
File 133869246175.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
We could always rewrite it to be pony specific.
>> No. 105121
File 133869404090.jpg - (109.62KB , 600x478 , a8bfddadb4a7fac63b3c41f6f15dd034.jpg )
We could, but then we gotta find somewhere to host the test, and come up with how the system is actually scored. We could remove and replace items, sure, but I'm no mathematician.
>Sage for offtopic
>> No. 105126
File 133869460543.jpg - (6.35KB , 225x225 , 3495862-345809.jpg )
Luckily, I am. I'll start work tomorrow if my plate doesn't fill up. As for the venue, GDocs is my best friend.
>> No. 105127
So is the sage.
>> No. 105128
Sorry lol, would you believe I forgot?

>> No. 105231
File 133875731604.jpg - (6.59KB , 223x226 , scared dash.jpg )
Ok, I don't see anything indicating the queue's closed so I'll leave this here.

Title: Pop culture
Tags: Slice of Life
Synopsis: Sapphire Shores returns to Rarity's boutique to thank her for the stage-wear she provided. While there, she hears Sweetie Belle singing, and offers her a recording contract. Sweetie agrees, and must now learn what it takes to be a pop starlet, with all the ups and downs it entails.
Word count: 1764
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V40ZqxDjjIrfi3hEWQuitM7jwCmtzpG2mpZexKA5ey4/edit

Comments: While totally not procrastinating reviewing a fic with enough grammatical errors to make me hemorrhage, I came up with this little idea. I posted it up on the story forge where it got a fairly positive response, so I logically decided to write a prologue in just a few hours (again totally not procrastinating on a review or anything like that). Now I'm putting it up for review. Yay. I was very tight with LUS in this story after being whined
by most other reviewers about it, so let me know if I achieved that goal. Besides that, just give an honest review, and I'll be a happy pony. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue that review I'm totally not procrastinating on. Oh god, so many comma errors (pic related).
>> No. 105238
File 133876239599.png - (59.15KB , 187x215 , scootawut.png )
Whoa, deja vu! I remember seeing this in a post somewhere recently.
There it is. I thought I saw that while I was lurking last night. You mean to tell me you've written it already? *sigh* It's in the queue, although I'm a little worried about the speed with which it was written.
>> No. 105263
File 133877139616.png - (71.65KB , 550x400 , TwilightSmash.png )
I'll claim this one, and I'll even ADD IT TO THE QUEUE!

Better than a candy-ice-cream shop, isn't it?

I had to reset all of my stuff today, so yeah, not internet connection AGAIN. Wonderful way to start off a new review thread, don't cha' think? Ah my luck. Our luck.
>> No. 105265
File 133877255870.jpg - (6.56KB , 288x175 , double the fun.jpg )
Claims by both reviewers. I hate to make this joke but...(see pic)
>> No. 105268
File 133877459376.png - (95.50KB , 394x449 , 132587587212.png )
Woops, didn't see that Minjask had already added it. Well, the more he wants he's welcomed. Usually I'll just add it to the queue and one of us will claim it when we get a chance.
>> No. 105269
>"to point out exactly what is wrong with your multi-colored neon Alicorn OC that is the mother of Celestia, Luna, and somehow Twilight Sparkle"

You receive a star for making me lol.
>> No. 105271
File 133877748052.png - (67.59KB , 200x193 , I\'mSoFresh.png )
As unlikely as it may seem, I've gotten a story like that. I even got one where Luna was somehow Twilight's mother. Authors.

Well, at least it wasn't Pinkie Pie eating her cupcake OC boyfriend.

-cough- Minjask -cough-

Messin' with you, it wasn't that bad.
>> No. 105272
File 133877751715.jpg - (7.84KB , 300x168 , 234-79532.jpg )
Lol sorry, I noticed it last night and was too intrigued to resist. By the way, that trope link you put in the OP, http://tinyurl.com/HugboxGuideToTropes. doesn't work. Golden Vision mentioned this to me last night while proofreading my OC guide for me.
>> No. 105274
File 133877796580.jpg - (33.72KB , 550x440 , Luna_SUN_I_AM_DISAPPOINT-n1301364081437.jpg )
It's that DAMN period. Periods are bad.
>> No. 105275
File 133877812859.png - (172.08KB , 963x829 , Luna.png )

Ha, that has two meanings.
>> No. 105276
File 133877822004.png - (23.95KB , 211x211 , OHUFluttershy.png )
>> No. 105277
I KNEW IT. I knew periods were evil!
>> No. 105278
File 133877850435.png - (141.27KB , 354x359 , Applejack Thinking.png )
So Minjask would it be a no no if I decide to return Atlas and Gaia back to alicorns in a future story? Not sure if I want to as of now but I just wondered.

>> No. 105283
File 133878104840.jpg - (9.25KB , 259x194 , 43872-3459.jpg )
As stated in the old thread >>104990 I’m going to do this one chapter at a time, so here’s the first. I’ll do one chapter every day, that way I don’t keep others in the queue waiting.

>“Mac!” Applejack shouted.
Huh? I’ve never heard Applejack call I'm just Mac before. Ususally she calls him Big Macintosh, or Big Mac on occasion. She should at least say Macintosh if nothing else.

> I’m headin out to find Scoots and Sweetie”
Nicknames are fun to use in chat and all, Scoots is best pony but they’re for just that, fun. I simply can’t imagine Applejack ever using these two nicknames – most likely because they’re fan created – and certainly not in under such alarming circumstances.

> “Now sugar, you have to tell me what you saw.
This line also sounds funny, I think you should brush up on your Applejack a little bit. She would at least say Sugarcube, although that’s generally used in a more friendly or affectionate manner. In this situation, Applejack would use Apple Bloom’s name, for a few reasons:
> Apple Bloom, you have to tell me what you saw.
Using the name not only sounds more urgent, but it addresses Apple Bloom directly; this is important on a psychological level. If a friend of yours is distracted or unconscious, how to you get their attention? You call their name don’t you? This is because your name has been used to address you so often that it’s hardwired into your brain to involuntarily shift your focus to anyone who uses your name. Because Apple Bloom is distraught, Applejack needs to snap her out of it, and the easiest and most instinctual way to do that is by using her name. She might even place her hooves on Apple Bloom’s shoulders for added effect.

>I’ve gotta run now, but me and yer friends will all be safe
You might get away with this because of the dialect, but proper grammar dictates that it be said “yer friends and I”

>But she was already gone.
I know your readers are smart, but it wouldn’t hurt to use Applejack’s name here, just to make it easier on the reader.

>“Okay Pinkie, we give up. What does a zombie plant eat?”
> “GRAAAAIIIINNSSSS,” she snarled.
Oh my sides, that is so Pinkie.

>This left Rainbow Dash bawling in laughter on the grass, with Twilight Sparkle unable to decide if Pinkie’s joke or the pegasus’s uncontrollable braying was funnier.
I’m gonna call LUS here. I know you mentioned Rainbow Dash in the beginning of the sentence, but it still sounds odd, just say Rainbow and it should be fine. Also, nopony ever uses Twilight’s full name, so there’s no need to do it here, just Twilight is fine.

>Applejack’s hooves beat the ground angrily as she charged towards the group.
Oddly enough, using the adverb, “angrily” in place of “furiously” does not give off the same vibe. Reading this I would imagine Applejack as being angry at somepony, as opposed to just running toward them hurriedly.

>With that, Applejack bounded into the chilly veil of the forest’s shade, her hoofbeats steadily receding into the dim interior.
I’m actually unsure about this one, the use of the word interior sounds funny to me, but I can’t quite nail down why. Somepony more skilled in linguistics wanna lend a hoof here? I’d appreciate it.

The wording and punctuation choice for this entire chapter makes me cringe. I’m going to stop proofreading here, because It’s already taken me over an hour to go through a mere 900 words, but this is merely a fraction of what I found throughout the whole thing.

> Her trail of hoofprints melted away in the wet grass and waterlogged soil, leaving almost no trace of her passage.
>waterlogged soil
You mean mud? Hoofprints in mud would most certainly stay as they are, leaving a trail that would lead the monster straight to her.

> Just as the forest would leave no trace of brave little Applejack if she lost her way.
Little? I don’t think she’s been very little since the poison joke incident.

> Or perhaps the mossy remains of a vaguely pony-shaped statue - should she cross paths with a cockatrice.
I understand you’re trying to add to her paranoia – which is quite unbecoming of Applejack I might add – but Applejack wasn’t there for the incident with the cockatrice, so unless she’s dealt with them before (unlikely) she wouldn’t know about them.

>One hundred ways in, but only one way out.
Is this Applejack’s thought process? If so, she would say “a hundred” instead of “one hundred”

>In the stillness of the forest, the rustling of the branches and briers against her coat felt like an ever present cacophony in her ears, drowning out the din of voracious insects, and the predatory footsteps of the forest’s true denizens.
I’m just gonna refer you to EZN’s guide for purple prose: http://derpy.me/PurpleProse

>The gardener, as she instructed, was not to be trifled with. It’s flat leaves curled into the shape of a shallow basket, low to the ground where the splatter of rain would cover the bowl of leaves with dirt. In time, the dirt would collect seeds - some nourished by ducts in the gardener’s leaves, others culled by emissions of diluted acid. The gardener’s bowl would eventually grow a small thicket of fruit bearing plants. Their branches stunted by the gardener’s chemical secretions, but carrying unnaturally full and numerous fruits.
NO! Scootaloo is not an egghead. The ONLY pony who uses this much nerd talk, is Twilight. Numb down on the big words when writing Scootaloo. Or I will get Celestia and send this to the MOOOOON!

>The young pegasi
Scootaloo is a pegasus. Pegasi is plural.

It’s been a while since I had to look a word or two while reading, but never have I had to look up so many! I’ve never even heard of some of these words. You need to be careful about unfamiliar wording.
If your entire story is like this, then I’m going to have to drop it here. There is no way I’m volunteering to sort through another mess like that!
>> No. 105284
File 133878173944.png - (22.60KB , 114x124 , scootasalute.png )
Hey! That is completely irrelevant. I ain't even mad
Go ahead. Your story is one of the rare cases that allows alicorn OCs. It would be perfectly fine for you to return them to their original forms.
Would it be ok?! I've been waiting for Celestia and Luna to figure out how to put them back since I started reading it. YES! PLEASE!
>> No. 105285
File 133878208377.png - (172.08KB , 963x829 , Luna.png )

When I get to that part you'll see how they lost it in the first place.

Luna and Celestia can't help them, even though they were there.
>> No. 105286
File 133878263285.png - (247.96KB , 945x945 , Hmmm.png )

Alicorn OC stories? In MY thread?

Eh, so far I've done no reviews here yet. You win this round.
>> No. 105293
File 133878541864.png - (25.56KB , 127x122 , scootapoint.png )
Okay you’re up, I’m getting to it now.
> supposedly better
You doubt my abilities? Blasphemy!
>-Do I keep it interesting enough?
>-Is it too much for just a prologue, and if so, what parts could I potentially get rid of to reduce the length?
>-Do I leave it off on a cliffhanger, like i originally intended?
>-S vs T?
I’ll give my opinions but keep in mind I’m not a skilled editor, I specialize in spotting inconsistencies, not syntax.
>> No. 105297
File 133878969935.jpg - (6.94KB , 204x204 , 5t746767.jpg )
I did some proofreading on the Doc, and here’s the review.

Stormcrasher is well developed, and you do a good job of not only keeping him consistent, but developing his character as well. His panic during an emergency is definitely consistent with his inexperience, nice job on that.

Polearm is very well done. He almost comes off as a rookie at first, but a trained eye notices that he’s trying to get Stormchaser to think. His kindness and advice to Stormchaser reminds me of that of my grandfather, as well as his humorous nature even as he’s faced with death, in order to keep Stormchaser from panicking. Beautifully done.

That cliffhanger is perfect. It’s a little cliché, but it’s in the right place. The reader will be compelled by their own curiosity to keep reading, and then you can drop them another hook. This is a classic trick that’s been used by many famous authors.

Your show vs. tell seems okay to me, even more so if you split the story where I mentioned, and the interest level is decent enough in the beginning to pass my inspection.
>> No. 105301
File 133879190970.png - (234.11KB , 638x364 , hub cutie mark.png )
Left a few comments on the Doc, and here’s your review.

Your characterization of Rarity is nigh impeccable, and although Sweetie Belle doesn’t get much more than her singing lines, her excitement feels just about right, especially for a filly, although I wish you would use her full name a bit more.

Using Sweetie as a pet name a few times is okay, but never once seeing the “Belle” added to it is just a bit, if not very irritating. It’d be like only ever saying Rainbow when referring to Rainbow Dash. I challenge you to remove the “Dash” from her name throughout the entirety of both seasons if you don’t believe me, and listen to how strange it sounds.
>> No. 105303
File 133879295595.jpg - (5.67KB , 225x225 , happy rarity.jpg )
If that's really the extent of your criticism then I'm a very happy pony. Thanks for the compliments. I'll be sure to add the Belles and whistles (somepony shoot me XD) and come back when the first chapter is done.
>> No. 105308
Title: Life without you: chapter 1

Tags: Sad, Romance/ Shipping

Synopsis:Into the darkness she falls, hair swept high by the cruel hand which guides her. A drab world in her vision, a world of depression in which she now lives. In the hoof of another she walks into the light, in the love of another she feels the sun's warmth. Only with them can she live again, only with them is the world bearable.

This is the journey of seeing the world once again, and the faithful companion who allows this to happen.

Word count: 5100

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bFYROhuFAQg7ujLGpyJ0lZT5MBlhMYOx6fr4Aw0ruXY/edit
>> No. 105314
File 133882140592.png - (253.22KB , 499x667 , 132547407841.png )
I got this one. Minjask can't take this one away from ME!
>> No. 105336
File 133883848624.gif - (748.54KB , 500x281 , mlfw4039-273583-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic.gif )
Not doubting, just reinforcing.

Alright, time to start going through these… wait... why is this so short? And why is it praising me? It’s not five pages long! What is going on?

Seriously, would you believe that this is the first review I’ve ever gotten that isn’t insanely long? For that, I am ever so grateful. I also wasn’t expecting such positive feedback; that concept is new to me, you see. I had braced myself for something harsh, and was instead presented with a very nice way to begin my day. Again, thank you very much for that.

I’m surprised that I did so well with Polearm (according to you), considering I added him in at the last second. I’m mostly glad, though, that I did well with Stormcrasher. Whether that’ll continue throughout the course of the fic, only time will tell.

Two things I wanted to mention:

First, the time thing. I'd always been under the impression that 100 hours in army time meant something considerably less, around one hour. I probably should do some more research on that before I try sounding like I’m an army guy. That might've been confusing.

Now for the split. Looking at it, it sounds like a great idea. However, I’m not sure how it’ll work for story flow. For the next part after what I have already, it zooms over to Ponyville a week later. The cut would work, but the scene to chapter ratio feels weird. In essence, it would be: Prologue: Location 1, Chapter 1: Location one, Chapter 2: Location 2. It just feels uneasy. Could I possibly have your thoughts on this?

But yeah, this is awesome. Thank you so much for the review.
>> No. 105340

Hey there, thanks for taking the time to dive in. Sorry if the first chapter is a bit rough - there are a few things in there I'd like to clean up, but it's been hell finding free time when I'm ass deep in Oracle documentation and trying to push out a new chapter at the same time.

I do like some of your suggestions actually. Using "Apple Bloom" at the start does set a more serious tone with AJ's reaction. There's also a bit of superfluous 'telling' that can get chopped out of there without much fuss.

Also, the description of the Gardener plant isn't necessarily Scootaloo's inner monologue, but rather simply a hamfisted exposition that would probably do well to be retold as a flashback to Zecora's teachings.

There is a bit of purple prose smattered about the story, I shall admit. It is a guilty pleasure at times, much in the way that an extra thick glob of mayonnaise in the middle of a sandwich can be savored for its own unique goopy sensation - but that should not distract from the piles of glistening ham and thinly sliced slabs of earthy swiss cheese. As such with this story, it is doled out infrequently, but with deliberate purpose whereupon.

Before I go any further, I should mention that the first chapter is considerably different in tone and style from the rest. It happened to be the first thing I wrote after a 7-8 year dry spell, and it took a few thousand words to properly get back into the swing of things. The subsequent chapters are considerably smoother.

As for the word choice, is there anything in particular that stuck out? I think I've popped open a thesaurus about two or three times during this whole story, so I'm not typically apt to sprinkle needlessly uncommon verbage for the sake of being ostentatious.

Again, thanks for taking a look.
>> No. 105341
File 133884082457.png - (83.35KB , 500x339 , FreshPrince.png )
>Before I go any further, I should mention that the first chapter is considerably different in tone and style from the rest.

That's a problem. Your first chapter should set the tone for the entire story. People may start reading your story, thinking it's a happy go lucky story when BAM, someone is hit by a train and it turns to a dark fic in the next chapter. I haven't read your story, so I don't know what tones you switch on and off from, but make the tone of your story apparent in the first chapter. Give the readers what they should expect straight out. Even if the first half of the first chapter is happy go lucky and then it goes to dark, that's fine, just give it to them early on.
>> No. 105343
File 133884148002.jpg - (2.99KB , 117x120 , prancing scoots.jpg )
Did somepony ask for my two bits? Well, I always follow up with the author anyway. Here we go.

>I'd always been under the impression that 100 hours in army time meant something considerably less, around one hour.
You're in the ballpark, but that's not quite it. The military uses a different but efficient method of naming time: I'm sure you've heard of a 24 hour clock referred to as military time, this is because you really can't go wrong with it, so the military uses it. If I told you to meet me somewhere at 6:00, it would beg the question; am or pm? But if instead I told you to meet me there at 1800, there would be no question that I meant 6:00 pm. The military states this out loud as eighteen hundred hours , so your 100 hours actually referrs to 1:00 am, not one hour. If you want them to meet in one hour, and let's just say it's currently 1:00pm, you could say, "meet back here at fourteen hundred hours".

As for the story flow – I'll be honest, I'm no expert on the matter – but I think it's fine.
>> No. 105344

Ahh, that doesn't mean that it doesn't revisit that style at some point. Surprise and terror is the order of the day for that chapter (Spathii is best alien race), so there's not much room for meaningful dialogue, character development, or crazy plot twists. That comes afterwards.

Although, and I mean this in the most vaguely pseudo-spoilerriffic way possible, it's almost like the first and second chapter are two different stories.
>> No. 105346
File 133884213752.png - (264.26KB , 467x479 , 132619971255.png )
>As for the word choice, is there anything in particular that stuck out?
Yeah actually there was. As an experienced reader the word "interloper" should have been common knowledge to me but most ponies aren't gonna know what that means, and you use it far too often, I actually gaggged at one point upon seeing it, because it had become so obnoxious by that point.

Juxtaposed . Are you serious?! Not only did I have to look this up, but I sent an email to my high school English teacher and she didn't know what it meant. An English teacher did not know what that word meant! Having an enormous vocabulary is all fine and dandy, but your reader needs to be able to understand what they're reading.

They're were several other instances of very unfamiliar wording, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.
>> No. 105348
File 133884235544.jpg - (17.21KB , 300x360 , 292564_282377215187427_100002454536633_602401_1744174905_n.jpg )
Ack! I has been ninja'd!
>pic somehow relevant
>> No. 105349
File 133884236466.png - (26.28KB , 945x945 , Shrug.png )
But you're just playing with the readers in a way where they just get confused and frustrated, and asking 'What is this story trying to be?' If your first and 2nd chapters are completely different, you'll automatically put off readers. The best I can suggest other than just not changing tones at all is to have a chapter between them that transfers tones of the story correctly, and give themes as to what the overall story's tone is going to be. Don't system shock the reader.

>Implying English Teacher actually know things outside of their curriculum.
>> No. 105352
File 133884272213.jpg - (7.02KB , 207x243 , 24368341328.jpg )
>Implying English Teacher actually know things outside of their curriculum.
They ought to, but yeah I guess you're right. My point still stands though.
>> No. 105354
I feel sorry for your high school. Juxtaposed is a fairly reasonable word to expect readers to know imho.
>> No. 105356
File 133884282856.jpg - (10.06KB , 225x225 , CerealPinkie.jpg )
I've never even heard of the word.

Well, on the other hand, this year of Highschool (Well, this PAST year, I was a Junior) We were still learning about commas. Go figure.
>> No. 105359
>Older people know more words.
Though, to be fair, I believe I learned it in an art class ages ago instead of in an English one, but the term for contrasting for effect is extremely useful.

Schools are just about worthless though--why back when I took standardized tests each Spring/Fall my scores would increase more over the Summer than over the school term.
>Apologies for the derail young reviewers of the thread.
>> No. 105360
I've never seen or heard of it before, and I've read everything from Stephanie Meyer to Stephen King
>> No. 105361
File 133884381993.png - (149.30KB , 720x1110 , 132666076322.png )
I've never heard of it, either.
>> No. 105363
File 133884450845.png - (189.71KB , 1509x1509 , 46532bce_scootaloo_idea[1].png )
Wha-Hey Zamoonda! Funny seeing you around here.
>> No. 105369
Title: Playing With Purpose
Tags: Normal, Slice of Life (since Fimfic doesn't have Normal...)
Synopsis: Aura Battle is the new game exploding in popularity all over Equestria. Unicorns battle with magical AuraDolls in an attempt to earn the crown of Aura Battle Grand Champion. Twilight Sparkle, who is returning to Canterlot to help the princesses with a special project, discovers the game and instantly becomes hooked. Does Twilight have what it takes to become the Grand Champion? Or will the secrets behind the game trip her up along the way?
Word Count: 5460
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Zeisd7mN78FvlIIWrkWC0WEIZQRDga8HFQCsvmK8eZI/edit

What i'm looking for:
- This is my 2nd attempt at fiction. I'm coming from the experience of writing newspaper articles and such, and as a result, I feel like I just tell the reader the whats going on instead of describing it. Do you agree?
- I am definitely looking to improve on my ability to keep the plot moving. My last story, I've been told, was a few chapters too long, and when it did end, it was too abruptly
- Do the characters stay in character?

Biggest flaw I feel so far:
- By reading this chapter alone, the "futuristic" world doesn't seem to make sense to me. I created a prologue, but I understand that those drive readers away. Does the set up feel necessary, or can I get rid of the prologue?
>> No. 105370
I am sorry, but what? I knew my teacher was a demanding bitch!!!
>> No. 105378

Well, that's what he is for the first few chapters, in name and character. He doesn't wander into Equestria speaking the native tongue, so I try to avoid anything from his POV until later.
>> No. 105380
File 133884824607.png - (172.83KB , 1926x2107 , 130851307436.png )
I agree with >>105354. Juxtapose seems standard to me. I guess that's kind of ironic, since I don't know what interloper means.

Saged for off-topic.
>> No. 105382
File 133884847617.jpg - (6.42KB , 224x224 , shrugponyscoots.jpg )
Double posting? Lol, it's been a while since i saw that.

Well I guess it depends where you were brought up, lachrymose is a word I've used most of my life, but most ponies tell me they need to grab a dictionary when they see it.
>> No. 105386
The irony of your statement drenches the floor and chokes everyone here.

>sage for off-topic.
>> No. 105389


Okay, didn't know that one.

Although in the context of this story, "juxtaposed" is small potatoes next to orbital navigation shorthand, Belter slang, or Derpy's implicit grasp of certain math/physics concepts.


(I'll shut up now)
>> No. 105391
File 133885135808.png - (46.11KB , 164x187 , scootaderp.png )
Derpy+math=oh goodness. I'm not sure if i should be eager or afraid
>> No. 105394

The Travelling Mail-Mare problem:

(skip past a few of the * * * scene markers)

(Also - there's a convenient little translation spell in place that allows his thoughts to be conveyed alongside his spoken words. This works fine as long as both parties have the same basic knowledge beforehand. In Derpy's case, she figures it out in the fly (Oh, another pun! I'm unstoppable)
>> No. 105398
File 133885493154.png - (370.99KB , 1148x1433 , bloom_school_by_wlnxgirl360-d4kzlxd.png )
>continuing the derail
>Juxtaposed: Rank 28431
>Interloper: Rank 51731

WordNet 3.0 gives juxtaposed (as a verb) a freq. score of 2, and gives no freq. score to interloper. And if you're asking me, neither of those words are even close to obscure.

More to the point, though, is that the difficulty of a word really shouldn't affect your using it. If the word means what you mean to say better than any other word and the twenty-cent word just doesn't cut it, then there's no foul in forcing your less learned readers to pull out a dictionary. Besides, I think most people appreciate being shown a cool new word.

Of course there's a line, and the more experienced writer will know what crosses it. But for us as amateur writers, part of the learning is finding out what works and what doesn't, and you can only figure that out by trying (and failing) new things.
>> No. 105403
File 133885656654.jpg - (3.53KB , 105x125 , 20%cooler thread.jpg )
Insightful and informative. Thank you Roger for the winx pic too, they've grown on me a lot
>> No. 105414
File 133885816284.jpg - (27.08KB , 437x500 , ForeverAloneTwilight.jpg )
A friend of mine just asked me to read her original fiction, so I did. And then I critiqued her on it, and she got mad because I'm pointing out her flaws as a writer. She yelled at me logged off immediately.

I am very, very sad.


Anyways, stuff happening, I'm still way behind.
>> No. 105416
File 133885860109.png - (934.06KB , 1280x914 , scootaloo_hug_please.png )
It happens dude, some ponies just want a hugbox, that's what sites like Fimfiction and Fanfiction are for. Don't take it personally. Although — and I don't know the situation I'm just guessing here — if she merely wanted an opinion, not a review, it might have been more prudent to just mention it could have been better.
>> No. 105417
File 133885876816.jpg - (90.87KB , 780x605 , 4fXaN.jpg )
Eh, I said it was an okay story and it had some downfalls. She asked me what those were so I gave her a full review. I don't think she liked the fact that ever aspect of her story I had something negative to say.
>> No. 105418
File 133885886561.jpg - (101.06KB , 886x901 , 1 (4).jpg )
Well, Professor, surely she reacted in the wrong way. I mean, if you want people telling you how amazing your work is... well, I don't know what to say
>> No. 105420
File 133885896396.jpg - (39.08KB , 470x459 , Applejack traffic signal.jpg )

I dunno. My reviewer on there was pretty rough, depends on who you ask I suppose.
>> No. 105421
File 133885904940.png - (533.89KB , 680x510 , 35f.png )
Of course. There must be a limit!
>> No. 105423
I know for a fact there are a couple of people who are oddly competent in reviewing and commenting on stories. Like, three or four per fandom in average, but the number is much higher depending on which fandom you go. I guess that some fandom are simply more literary minded.
>> No. 105427
File 133885958615.jpg - (6.94KB , 204x204 , 5t746767.jpg )
Well due to the average age of bronies being 19, it can be assumed that we as a whole are quite literate.
>> No. 105428
I am a 32 year old senior citizen.

Ps. Have some creepypasta

>> No. 105429
File 133886064959.png - (27.88KB , 150x136 , scootaloo no.png )
Why does everypony try to send me this crap? I've half a mind to report this!
>> No. 105433
Can I be the first to ask, wut?
>> No. 105434
File 133886151708.png - (35.37KB , 736x736 , awesome.png )
Nope. I'll do

>> No. 105436
File 133886169700.png - (152.09KB , 330x330 , scoots annoyed.png )
Can we just stick to posts relating to or contributing to the review of fanfiction? I will not have this thread muddled by irrelevant posting.
>> No. 105438
File 133886197753.jpg - (57.88KB , 960x960 , 552977_425370607482059_100000273700474_1596895_897579327_n.jpg )
Ok, sorry about that, Minjask.

Now, to justify this reply. I'll ask to the Professor: How is the review of my fic going?. Please tell me something, even if you say "lettuce" I'll be happy!!!
>> No. 105442
File 133886360562.jpg - (71.23KB , 806x990 , baby_scootaloo_on_nightmare_night.jpg )
Okay, chapter 2 here it is.

The further I read into this, the more this interloper feels like a Predator, although that species tends to protect only out of honor or respect. Hmm… this is interesting. Of course, his friendliness begs the question as to why he’s even there in the first place… Confound this curiosity, it compels me to read.

>“Aw, what the hay,” she thought to herself as she hugged the metal monstrosity back.
“what the hay” didn’t suit your style then?

>The day of the Lieutenant’s inevitable debilitating brain aneurysm seemed that much closer.
Mad lolz on that.

>They are both safe and well. And I believe we have our guest to thank for that.
You should put a comma here^

>twitching at the thought of leering pink visage appearing from nowhere.
“That learing pink visage”

I am thoroughly enjoying the lieutenant’s reaction to everything Pinkie Pie in this chapter; props for humor.

>She tapped a hoof against her head with a force that would leave larger animals in a six month coma.
My goodness! I’d hate to be on the receiving end of that, although I’d hardly call that a tap.

>unwittingly adding another layer of mud and detrius to his proud bespackled face.

> Never knew something that big n scary could be all affectionate like that,” she said with a chuckle, concealing a hint of blush. “Almost like it hadn’t seen me in a while..
I am finally beginning to suspect this interloper is a human, which, depending on the relative size of humans compared to ponies, explains why they see him as giant.

>“What’s a..”
>“That’s when you..”
Well you’ve piqued the reader’s interest as to what it is everypony is shushing them about. But sadly it just can’t be said for complicated yet obvious reasons.

The characters all pass on my scale, although pinkie scaring the wits out of every pony struck me as quite odd. It’s funny when it’s just the lieutenant/captain, but with everypony else it just seems out of place.

All in all a fine chapter, and much more well written than the last.
>> No. 105444
File 133886455701.png - (934.06KB , 1280x914 , scootaloo_hug_please.png )
I may as well claim this, I've got no other stories and I'm just lurking anyway.
>> No. 105446
File 133886490318.png - (50.96KB , 615x615 , Applebloom.png )
You've been more productive than I have so far. I just can't seem to bring myself to review anything. I'm really, really stuck. I'm halfway through Ms. Rarity, but I just can't seem to continue. It's like... REVIEWER'S BLOCK.


It's so hard to just sit down and actually critique it. I actually like it, too, and I want to see it improve. My brain, man. Filled up with too many things other than pony and DA ENGRISH LENGUGE
>> No. 105447
File 133886516129.jpg - (5.09KB , 131x149 , wet mane scootaloo.jpg )
That's why we're tag teamin' bro. I can cover the thread if you need a break. Thanks to recently downloaded Ponychan X I now get live updates as long as I leave it open.
>> No. 105449
File 133886573222.jpg - (74.37KB , 977x817 , ___ristar____by_funkyjeremi-d2yts7y.jpg )
I don't know if it's bad taste to put my fic up for review in a second thread, but here goes. Like I mentioned before, I promise this fic is better than the last one I did.

Title: All Of Creation
Author: Ristar
Email: [See username]
Tags: Romance, Drama, Slice-of-Life
Chapters: Prologue, 1 (Unfinished)
Word Count: 2891

Synopsis: Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but a heart too fond will break. Seafoam is a wetaherpony for the icy northern Bay of Hippocampus, engaged to Frostbite, a devoted explorer under employ of the crown. He spends most of his days alone, patiently awaiting for his fiancé to return from whatever quest he has left on. When Frostbite returns for a long hiatus from his travels, the two finally get the time together that Seafoam sorely missed, but uncover the tensions of their relationship, as well as the forces of the world that seem determined to keep them apart.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14JUvb2xxAaFOftQB5l_1cEp9t6Omh2lXvRt4fkqv978/edit
>> No. 105451
File 133886589484.png - (204.20KB , 457x502 , 132622996973.png )
Two reviews at once is acceptable around here, as long as you tell both reviewers about the other. I'll place it in our open queue for now, and just let us know who else's queue it's in.
>> No. 105452
File 133886653676.jpg - (26.73KB , 214x235 , 10022_r.jpg )
It's acceptable, but I won't take it until the previous request has been filled and the author has made necessary changes. I will never touch it if it is in another review thread before ours and the author is awaiting a review from them. If you wish for two reviews at once and come here, expect it from Minjask. Not me.

Good to see more from you though, Ristar.
>> No. 105453
glad you liked that part.

For the record, Laurie came out of nowhere. I had one random guard and the entire population of ponyville in the forest with no idea what to do with them. So I gave him a few lines, and he ended up steamrolling through the next two chapters.

also, I pretend he sounds like Stephen Merchant.
>> No. 105504
File 133888942388.jpg - (6.01KB , 200x200 , 509.jpg )
Hi, my fic say that it has been reviewed in the queue thingy, but I can't find my review having been posted =(. I may just be being silly here but I just can't find it. Um, is it possible to get it sent to me via email or over fimfic or something as well? Just I'm not a big fan of threads.
>> No. 105507
File 133889533182.gif - (3.09KB , 200x180 , sit1.gif )
Okay, good to know. I just came here because I posted it in TTG and it's pretty high up in the queue, so I'm sure it's not going anywhere for quite some time.
>> No. 105514
File 133890728025.png - (73.78KB , 200x152 , Butwhy.png )
Minjask's fault. I didn't complete it.

I still love Minjask though.
>> No. 105535
File 133892671257.jpg - (4.44KB , 211x239 , scootaloo facehoof.jpg )
Oops, sorry, I dun goofed. I have no idea what happened but it's fixed now
>> No. 105590
File 133895422876.jpg - (7.21KB , 239x211 , 23948652-309.jpg )

My apologies, I was going to review this last night but I procrastinated on /meta/ and /gala/.
Lame excuses aside, here’s your review:

> Sunfire is the only one in the league who has those wings,
Well that seems terribly unfair. Did nopony object to that when she joined?

Where is Spike throughout all of this? He usually accompanies Twilight every time she travels to and from Canterlot.

I find myself in an odd predicament with the characterization. It all sounded fine, in fact I read it in Twilight’s voice, and Twilight would certainly want to try something new and exciting, but somehow it all still felt a bit contrived.

As for the guess I left on the doc about Sunfire’s controller, I’m changing it. I recognize this as a classic Trollestia gag, and the “project” the Princesses want help with, involves the Aura battle. This also explains why Celestia wouldn’t have been at the castle and why Sunfire is the only doll to have wings, which I still say is very unfair, but that’s Trollestia for ya.
>> No. 105592
I almost forgot, as far as the customization for the doll goes, I think you should mention some sort of limitation/balancing system so that everypony doesn't just place them all on full.
>> No. 105595
File 133895479268.png - (1.41MB , 1920x1080 , derpy_hooves_by_derpiihooves-d4nhfvj.png )
Ah! Hello again, Minjask. And Hugbox, good to see you here as well.

Here's something that you might be interested. It's an old work of mine, unedited and ripe with typos and other various errors.

[Title] Dystopia
[Author] Xelor
[Tags] Alternate Universe, Dark, Adventure
[Word Length] 3135
[Synopsis] The throne of the alicorn Ao sits a thousand years empty, unicorns have disappeared, and pegasi enslave the remaining earth ponies. An author strikes too close to the dark secret of her home city. Banished, she seeks those who will stand with her against the corruption that stole the land.

[Linky] https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-XKV9_WoX8OX5mYUkYXdMv1ZdjGFBUoJI8h1uDUulk4/edit

[Notes] This is already in Golden Vision's thread With some smooth jazz as well! But I don't think he likes music very much

Don't worry, it's at the bottom of his list. A bunch of bigger fics ahead. Oh, if only the waters weren't so... melancholy these days.
>> No. 105603

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention. Minjask: Since you say you specialize in correcting OOC mistakes, here's something for you: There is one pegasus in the story named Magenta whom I tried to style near-perfectly to Rarity's personality.

Please tell me if it's off or not.
>> No. 105605
File 133895687471.png - (22.60KB , 114x124 , scootasalute.png )

Rarity's one of the more intricate personalities, so it's possible a mistake will come up that neither of us will notice, but I'll give it my best shot.
>> No. 105607

Thanks much for the review and the tips on the Google Docs! I actually can't believe I missed mentioning limitations for the sliders. Good catch and thanks for the save!

As for Twilight, what about her do you feel is wrong or should be changed to rid you of that off-character feeling?

One last question to help me out: What would be a good way to implement Spike without forcing him to becoming the "all-knowing assistant" to Twilight later on in the story? I couldn't figure out a way around that myself, which is why I completely removed him.

I am actually sitting in my doc right now looking over changes if you want to join in and discuss this stuff so we don't spam up the thread! Thanks a lot again for the review! Your notes and the catches you made are really helpful!
>> No. 105610
File 133895897607.jpg - (33.72KB , 550x440 , Luna_SUN_I_AM_DISAPPOINT-n1301364081437.jpg )
So, um, I scored a job interview. First one ever, and I'm going in tomorrow and hopefully get this job. Don't know how dedicated I'll be to this thread once I get the job, but I won't quit! I'll pull my weight around here.


Firo65, I'm dearly, dearly sorry, and I even have a pretty long half of your review done, but I just can't finish it, and I don't post unfinished reviews. I see you already got another reviewer, as well, which was the appropriate action to take for the amount of your time I've wasted. I'm dearly sorry, I have failed you.

Set Pinkie's 'Life Without You' fic on a 2 day hiatus. I need a little bit of time to clear my head and figure out what the hay I'm doing.

Sorry Minjask for the bullcrap I've been pulling. I promise I'll pull my weight around here.
>> No. 105612
File 133895930960.jpg - (74.44KB , 360x295 , scootaloo aint even disappoint.jpg )
Fu-get about it. I'm a chill guy, life is more important than imageboards anyway. I'll be honest, the reason I'm here is because I have nothing better to do with my time, so I take delight in helping develop what will become the fanwork for this fandom. I could elaborate but the point is... I ain't even mad bro.
>> No. 105613
File 133895938336.jpg - (5.67KB , 225x225 , happy rarity.jpg )
That's great man. I have a job as well, and I keep a review thread. Just make sure to plan out your time, and you'd be surprised how much you can get done. If you want, I could usurp your position if need be, but I'll have stuff of my own to deal with. Good luck!
>> No. 105614
File 133895960847.jpg - (165.27KB , 615x615 , BAH.jpg )
The thing is, even if it is just an imageboard with fiction of ponies, I still have an obligation to help you in this thread. It's the entire reason we did this, and so far I've just been riding the review train instead of helping to run it. But thank you, I won't leave you hanging.

Well, it will be my first job (Outside of a lame little newspaper route) so I don't know what exactly is in store for me and management of my time. Thank you.
>> No. 105615
File 133895994616.jpg - (57.38KB , 693x960 , 149730_408956145803658_100000678274898_1291656_1191550359_n.jpg )
I'll put it to you straight, The only person you're letting down, is you.
I joined up with you because I ran out of stories in my queue way too fast. I was jumping on the Trainging grounds because I was so bored. I joined up with you so I could have more to review, and help lighten the load on your end. If you can't keep up, that's what I'm here for man.
Don't worry about letting me down, I won't be upset, and don't worry about the queue, I won't let it get to the point where it needs to close. Unless of course somepony takes this as a challenge to spam the thread.
>> No. 105620
File 133896155804.png - (27.47KB , 325x265 , challenge-accepted.png )


Though, not really. As you can probably tell, my brain is running on things it shouldn't be right now, sleep deprivation and a slight case of multiple personality syndrome (or whatever the hell it's called) to be a couple.
>> No. 105622
File 133896234935.jpg - (18.56KB , 500x333 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-not-so-different-after-all.jpg )
Good vibes, man, good vibes.
>> No. 105635
I don't mind waiting at all, I'd far rather wait another week than you post a rushed review, the ball is in your court, take your time, I have all the time in the universe (partially because I stole the TARDIS, but hush,hush on that, ya hear?)
>> No. 105638
File 133898481632.png - (140.63KB , 298x213 , handshake.png )
Congratulations on the interview! Here's hoping everything goes well! And don't sweat the reviews, work before play, after all! :)
>> No. 105646
File 133899389879.jpg - (43.84KB , 350x447 , TimeForPonies.jpg )

They've lived together for three months now, and yet, there are still issues in the lives of Octavia and Vinyl Scratch.


Word count: 3946

Last reviewer (Seattle_Lite) said the biggest things were characterization (Specifically how Octavia comes off as a twat, which I sorta want, but may want to tone down, and Vinyl's dialogue.)

He also pointed out that I need more descriptors. And I need to somehow make this feel less rushed, which is a downfall of mine no matter what I write.

Please and thank you!
>> No. 105654
File 133899770173.png - (144.07KB , 900x864 , awesome_scootaloo_by_nerevars-d4yxs0b.png )
It's in the queue. I remember seeing that review, and I'm very tempted to claim this, as it was one of my favorites in the write off, but I might have an already biased opinion on it so I'm hesitant. I'll wait to see what Hugbox has to say, although it's probably going to fall to me anyway on account of his new job and that you need a characterization check.
>> No. 105662
File 133900541582.jpg - (70.25KB , 680x767 , 5a3.jpg )
Oh, please, dude. The new reviewers were just checking the grammar and stuff. Actually, I am going to apologize for making you read this fanfiction with that horrific quantity of grammar mistakes. When the grammar check is done, I'll ask your review again. Thanks for trying!
>> No. 105695
File 133904167730.jpg - (19.48KB , 219x229 , Scootaloo facebook.jpg )
It seems my brain is experiencing technical difficulties, and by that mean I think I'm just tired. I was in the middle of reviewing chapter 3 of The End by Shalrath, when I noticed that I could no longer read. Everytime I went to process the words, I began to zone out, so I'm sorry, but I won't be posting a review tonight... again.

This means double the work tomorrow: Challenge accepted
>> No. 105732
File 133905628375.jpg - (6.21KB , 214x235 , scootaloo you\'ve got to be kidding me.jpg )
Ha-ha surprise! My brain was revived by the amazing elixir that is Vitamin Water : Power-C Dragonfruit.


The writing was tolerable, but I can’t say I enjoyed this read.

>screaming expletive laden orders, expletive laden words of encouragement, and expletive laden thank-you speeches.
I see what you’re trying to do, but you should toss those repetitions.

> and tacked a bolt of fabric down the middle to divide it in half.
>Which would explain the bolt of fabric, tacked hastily down the middle of the wall and ceiling.
I see what you meant about all the chapters feeling like they’re written by a different author. I am very tempted to jump on my initial instincts, and say that you should rewrite this repetition, but the style seems almost comical, indicating that it should fit. I’ve decided to pass it.

> Sword-Wielding Magical Aquatic Apparition
Oh goodness the lolz!

> There were. I imagine they will be sleeping on your schedule for the next few days. But Twilight is who I trust to use the spell. It is not so simple to transliterate spoken word without an understanding of the meaning behind it. And that necessitates an ability to listen to the mind, rather than the tongue.”
This is the reason I utterly despise when fics are forced to give Celestia a large speaking role. She’s nearly impossible to characterize when she has to say a lot, because she hardly speaks at all. Celestia may be thousands of years old, but she’s a laid-back easy-going Princess, who focuses all of her attention on instilling friendship in the hearts of her subjects. Scratch that, she appears laid back in an effort to instill friendship and kindness, but is ready to switch to serious mode when it’s necessary.

So why is this a problem? Because even when she’s serious she doesn’t say much, she just chooses her words carefully to say much more than their face value. Even Luna doesn’t get overly wordy when she speaks, although she uses an older dialect, which she slowly molds over into modern speech as the series progresses, albeit off screen.

What makes this even more irritating is that the reason Celestia doesn’t say much, and her words are so picture perfect, is because the show writers still need to adhere to their target audience, which was originally 5–12 year old girls. But you have the vocabulary of a fully grown man! Judging by some of the words I’ve never seen, I’m going to hazard a guess at late 30’s to early 40’s. Because of that, it’s not only natural but necessary to incorporate a larger vocabulary into the writing, inevitably making Celestia out of character!

Sorry about that. Call me a young-un, but I’m not a fan of your wording. I’m going to instead fall back on what I used to do when I started here, and offer my version of what you’ve got there:
Indeed there were, and I imagine they’ll be sleeping on your schedule for the next few days, but Twilight is the only pony I trust to cast the spell. Translating words without knowing what they mean, isn’t easy, so the spell needs to be crafted to listen to the mind instead of the mouth.

I think that sounds a lot more like Celestia, and uses three less words than you did if I do say so myself, which I do. Now, you’ve got a bit of leeway, because it’s Celestia talking to Luna, but I still recommend my suggestion.

> That’s Boss Hoss to you, sister.
I thought she had said Big Hoss. *checks first chapter* Nope, she said “Boss Hoss” the first time, too, which causes me to revisit that line; it sounds funny. I know Applejack is prone to odd sayings and word choice but I cannot by any stretch of the imagination see her saying that, furthermore I don’t think Luna would recognize that as one of her lines. Re-write it.

> “Eeeeeeyup!”
No! That’s Big Mac’s line. I realize you’re trying to add humor, but this is very out of character for her.

> I was really surprised to come back and find Ponyville almost completely empty!”
You could shorten that to just “this empty”

> Don’t rush me girl, you know I ain’t the sorta filly that has to make two trips.
The wording of this implies that she is referring to herself as a filly, might want to fix that, or just change “filly” to “pony”.

> Fluttershy, don’t you have some cutsie wootsie little green hoppers to handle back in the swamp?
> cutsie wootsie
This is borderline OOC, Applejack might say this in relation to Fluttershy, but it would definitely not be at the forefront of her vocabulary. I would recommend simply using the word “cute”.

> It raised one arm, waggling it’s flat palm with five fingers pressed together as a shallow bowl.
Now that’s just downright irritating. First off: it should be “its” not “it’s”. Second: He would not know what fingers are, so this description needs to be rewritten if you want to keep your third person multiple narrators format. Were this true omniscient or universal it would be allowable, but you use scene breaks to change characters and stick to one character’s thoughts during scenes, so that’s clearly not the case.

> The interloper dabbed the cloth in the tin, smearing it around on the face of Laurie’s hoof, and then brushing it vigorously with a wooden block stuffed with short stiff bristles.
>He looked down in amazement.
>Now, that was shiny!
Boot polish is designed to work on leather, not hooves.

> She nodded weakly, glancing across to see Princess Celestia’s chest still rising and falling
Celestia sleeps on her back? That sounds uncomfortable for a horse, granted this is My Little Pony and the ponies normally sleep in beds, something horses certainly do not do. I am undecided for this one.

> Okay. If you could wake her up soon, that would be tremendously helpful.
This would normally be okay, if Twilight had not finished with a question in her previous statement.
> I have a few loose ends to wrap up myself.. Are you all right?
Luna should answer this question. Try: “Yes I am fine” as the opener, and finish that ellipsis

> Laurie’s guest gestured with one hand, pursing its fingers together against its lips and chewing.
And just what message is he trying to convey? This could be explained more clearly.

> You and me both, brother. You and me both.
I feel that this would be better executed with italics. And why is he still so terrified of Pinkie? That cupcake was doomed from the moment Pinkie picked up the flour, get over it.

> The interloper stared quizzically, turning to look at Laurie, then back to Pinkie, then back to where Pinkie was looking.
You might mention where it is she’s looking.

> The tangled morass of tan and yellow pony stopped abruptly, staring up from outside the door.
Wait, What?! Fluttershy and Applejack? Weren’t they just out by the farm? When did they teleport into wherever we are right now? I’m sorry; it seems I’ve forgotten the current setting, and looking back through the text I cannot find it anywhere. Could you point it out for me?

> Slowly it raised a fist, and brought it down hard into the side of its own thigh.
The fuck?

> The Cutie Mark Crusaders each placed a hoof in the center of the table, wordlessly acknowledging that which did not need to be said.
Which is what exactly? Clearly it needs to be said.

> He really shouldn’t be so worked up when she was around.
… I REALLY wish to slap the silliness straight out of you right now

> I’m going inside to de-hydrate.
Dry sarcastic humor: the only thing the military seems capable of in writing. The “de” would look better in italics. Other than that I think this review is finished. Keep it up and I might drop this by chapter five.
>> No. 105926
File 133921267735.jpg - (8.54KB , 257x196 , 2p34108571.jpg )
Sorry I forgot to mention this earlier, there will be no reviews from me tonight or tomorrow night due to my birthday party. Okay back to my party now, See-ya ponies.
>> No. 105929
File 133921337411.gif - (52.21KB , 360x360 , Twilight-clap.gif )
Hey! Happy birthday man! How old are you now? Parties sure are exciting!

I've been getting over a cold-migrane combo for the past few days while also playing phone tag with future employers. I'm not really myself this week. Tomorrow I'll get a lot done, I promise. Starting on Life Without You now. Will probably be done in the 'morrow
>> No. 105931
File 133921404157.jpg - (5.67KB , 225x225 , happy rarity.jpg )
I finished your review. See thread for details:)
>> No. 105945
File 133922270150.jpg - (135.89KB , 900x686 , mlfw5194-discord_approves_colored_by_ditzydoolover__by_bluefire513-d4tbhmg.jpg )

>What makes this even more irritating is that the reason Celestia doesn’t say much, and her words are so picture perfect, is because the show writers still need to adhere to their target audience, which was originally 5–12 year old girls. But you have the vocabulary of a fully grown man! Judging by some of the words I’ve never seen, I’m going to hazard a guess at late 30’s to early 40’s. Because of that, it’s not only natural but necessary to incorporate a larger vocabulary into the writing, inevitably making Celestia out of character!

I like to pretend I'm a magical pony princess sometimes.

To be fair though, she does adjust her dialogue depending on who she's speaking with.

>I think that sounds a lot more like Celestia, and uses three less words than you did if I do say so myself, which I do. Now, you’ve got a bit of leeway, because it’s Celestia talking to Luna, but I still recommend my suggestion.

The point she's getting across here isn't so much that it was difficult to create the spell, but rather that it provides a rather dangerous capability. To make an analogy here, this is essentially like universal wiretapping of all electronic communication (well, that's not exactly theoretical these days) - and Celestia is making a very conscious effort to not have that power. They both know how that turned out last time..

>> That’s Boss Hoss to you, sister.
>I thought she had said Big Hoss. *checks first chapter* Nope, she said “Boss Hoss” the first time, too, which causes me to revisit that line; it sounds funny. I know Applejack is prone to odd sayings and word choice but I cannot by any stretch of the imagination see her saying that, furthermore I don’t think Luna would recognize that as one of her lines. Re-write it.

It's partially a Dukes of Hazzard reference, and partially due to her speaking while running. The first casualties of action dialogue are the syllables. As for Celestia saying it, (and the Eeeyup afterwards) that's her poking a bit of fun at Applejack's nickname for her.

>> Fluttershy, don’t you have some cutsie wootsie little green hoppers to handle back in the swamp?
>> cutsie wootsie
>This is borderline OOC, Applejack might say this in relation to Fluttershy, but it would definitely not be at the forefront of her vocabulary. I would recommend simply using the word “cute”.

Applejack and Fluttershy are both irked at each other's presence, and trying to make excuses for the other one to leave. Love is in the air - but they're both embarrassed to admit that's why they're there. "Cutsie Wootsie" just happens to be a sarcastic mocking barb at Fluttershy.

> It raised one arm, waggling it’s flat palm with five fingers pressed together as a shallow bowl.
Now that’s just downright irritating. First off: it should be “its” not “it’s”. Second: He would not know what fingers are, so this description needs to be rewritten if you want to keep your third person multiple narrators format. Were this true omniscient or universal it would be allowable, but you use scene breaks to change characters and stick to one character’s thoughts during scenes, so that’s clearly not the case.

Oops. Good catch on the "it's".

> The interloper dabbed the cloth in the tin, smearing it around on the face of Laurie’s hoof, and then brushing it vigorously with a wooden block stuffed with short stiff bristles.
>He looked down in amazement.
>Now, that was shiny!
Boot polish is designed to work on leather, not hooves.

I literally did not know that until just now. :)

>> She nodded weakly, glancing across to see Princess Celestia’s chest still rising and falling
>Celestia sleeps on her back? That sounds uncomfortable for a horse, granted this is My Little Pony and the ponies normally sleep in beds, something horses certainly do not do. I am undecided for this one.

Ah, I envisioned her laying on her side.

>> Laurie’s guest gestured with one hand, pursing its fingers together against its lips and chewing.
>And just what message is he trying to convey? This could be explained more clearly.

He is the great devourer of tasty helpess creatures, and it's nearly breakfast time.

>> The tangled morass of tan and yellow pony stopped abruptly, staring up from outside the door.
>Wait, What?! Fluttershy and Applejack? Weren’t they just out by the farm? When did they teleport into wherever we are right now? I’m sorry; it seems I’ve forgotten the current setting, and looking back through the text I cannot find it anywhere. Could you point it out for me?

Ahh, that was intentional. Showing them both in front of the cottage implies that they were both interested in meeting with the occupants. Delaying the revelation that they're directly outside the cottage was done for comedic effect.

>> Slowly it raised a fist, and brought it down hard into the side of its own thigh.
>… The fuck?

That's where SB kicked him. Punching himself in the thigh is him saying that he remembers what she did. The tap on her flank was a way of saying "now we're even". He can't speak pony at this time, so hey has to rely on non-verbal communication.

>> The Cutie Mark Crusaders each placed a hoof in the center of the table, wordlessly acknowledging that which did not need to be said.
>Which is what exactly? Clearly it needs to be said.

It's a brief acknowledgement that they're still partially traumatized from the previous day, and their bravado is essentially a facade to help cope with it. Also implied is their respect for Sweetie Belle's bravery, despite the fact that she's being the least boisterous.


Anyways, I do appreciate your time on these reviews - even if this chapter wasn't as entertaining as the others. I do like the way you go after the content of the story rather than just the mechanics of the writing.

And happy birthday!
>> No. 105977
File 133925133023.png - (184.63KB , 308x401 , NoxPatience.png )

I recently received an email from EQD pertaining this fic. Other than the obvious 'write more goddamn chapters,' there were a few errors that the pre-reader pointed out.

Here they are as he stated them:

stacked descriptors (very few occurrences)

Hyphen is not an Em dash, and Em dashes don’t have spaces following or preceding them.

Overly dramatic mystery right off the bat.

Dialogue tagging leaves something to be desired. Little emotional impact is conveyed through the dialogue alone, as it’s rather direct and usually truncated.


If, during your review, you happen to find those mistakes, please elaborate on them so I know exactly what to do. Yes, I'm that type of person who'd rather read an instruction manual than take advice to learn.

Oh, and a good birthday to you, Minjask
>> No. 105979
File 133925342295.jpg - (289.96KB , 448x2500 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-hurricane-spidey.jpg )

>To be fair though, she does adjust her dialogue depending on who she's speaking with.

She's never started using more vocabulary or 'well read' speech in the show, despite speaking to characters like Discord or Twilight Sparkle who (Not sure about Discord, but you could just assume by age) are probably more well read than most my little ponies, but she still talks about the same.

I've seen a lot of fiction where Twilight Sparkle and Celestia speak more literate than they do in the show, which seems to work depending on the tone of the story. This usually falls under Dark or Adventure, and less so with comedy. But I see you have both Dark and comedy in as tags. I suppose it's all about context.


>Hyphen is not an Em dash, and Em dashes don’t have spaces following or preceding them.

Em dashes can be slightly subjective by personal style and nationality. (UK, America, ect.) But that's just an easy fix. Just look up how to use Em Dashes and fix upon that.

I'm sort of getting the mystery thing. The thing is you have this character just sitting in a chair, receives a call, blah blah, then you have characters talking about jobs, some of which I'm not quite sure what their purposes are. You don't really state a lot of the importance of the scene. I kind of skimmed through a lot of it because of my personal time constraints, but also because the characters are talking about things I just don't really care about. Every is kind of dramatic with this job thing, but WHY is this so important?
>> No. 105992
File 133926080203.png - (184.63KB , 308x401 , NoxPatience.png )

>but WHY is it so important?

A very good question. Exactly the one I aimed the reader to ask. Along with: 'Who wants Ari in that position?'

I understand the principles of dashes and such, I just need help on that dialogue one. I've been told that it really isn't a problem.
>> No. 106158
File 133936618126.gif - (3.20KB , 200x177 , curious.gif )
I'm just curious, but what does "AORR" mean in the review queue? I understand what the other acronyms mean, but not this one.
>> No. 106165
It means we're awaiting the other reviewer you submitted to to get you your review and you make the necessary adjustments. 'Awaiting Other Reviewer Response'
>> No. 106167
File 133936966559.png - (15.25KB , 100x100 , 24d6fb00.png )
Oh... okay. I actually submitted my fic for review here because I knew it was going to be a week or two before someone got to my fic in TTG. :S
>> No. 106179
Hey, y'all! I figured I'd see what you think of my new draft. Just FYI, it's in Golden Vision's queue, but he's got a big queue, so I figured it'd be okay to come here as well. Trying to get all kinds of eyes on, you know? I want this on EqD, so please, be as critical as you feel necessary.

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Mystery, Thriller
Word Count: 3,500 between the prologue and chapter one, which is all that I have now.
Synopsis: Tragedy strikes Ponyville when a body is discovered on the outskirts of the Everfree. As the townsponies grieve, an enigmatic stallion arrives at Ponyville Library, dispatched by the Princess herself. When more blood is spilled, Twilight and her friends, along with this strange pony, must work together to solve a crime that nopony wants to acknowledge. But sometimes, murder is only the beginning...


Also, don't worry, this isn't a gore-fic. All violence is handled tastefully, and only what needs to be said to set the mood will be described. I eagerly await y'all's opinions!
>> No. 106181
Hey, two more quick things:
1. This story takes place a few years after Season two. Not really important now, but it will be next chapter.

2. I've been told that my writing is "flat." What do you think?
>> No. 106189
Our system isn't perfect, as we're aware, so we'll take these things on a case by case basis to try to compromise with the situation so we find out which fics to take in high priority. A simple solution would be to revoke your submission to TTG while you are in our queue and resubmit it there once you get a review here. I'm not trying to bash TTG (though my behavior in the thread suggested it) but you're correct. It most likely will take quite a while, so you're probably better off in individual review threads than TTG until things start to clear up. I plan on doing my part to help clear it out later if I can.

Honestly, Minjask and I aren't the best for getting you onto EqD, we just try our God darned best to make your fic better, but we can't do it to that standard. If you want to ensure EqD, thorough reviewers like Nick, Minty and Golden should be considered. That doesn't mean we're not going to try our best to get you there, but you may be standing on quivering shoulders than strong ones. So I think it's a good idea if you fix stuff we suggest then really listen to Golden. We'll help you clean up what we can to lessen his headache ( not trying to imply anything about the quality of your fic) but I believe Minjask and I are self aware enough to know that we maybe wont be as critical as you need.

I'm just going to take the prologue specifically for the moment. I need something a little shorter to get me back on the ball. Sorry for the inconvenience
>> No. 106201
File 133938569059.jpg - (226.39KB , 1024x1024 , 1336705187441.jpg )
Hey, I just want to stop you there before you sell us off as terrible reviewers. The reason our review won't get you to EQD status (although EQD's standards aren't as high as popular belief) is because we mainly check mechanics and micro editing, and I've sold myself as being able to catch plot holes and characterization. A story needs to be checked for these elements but a really good story is going to need help with sentence structure and pacing, as well as over all mood portrayal, which are skills we simply aren't able to see clearly enough to review. It's not that we're terrible, it's just that a good story is going to need a broader scope search than we are able to provide.

I like to think of it this way: We're like 30 grit sandpaper. We'll shave your story down to a good outline, but you're still going to need an 80 or 100 grit to get a nice smooth finish.
>> No. 106207
File 133938884349.jpg - (69.55KB , 400x512 , mlfw2976-c28c407b-b714-4932-88a4-80e9f38efc3f.jpg )
Alright, then I'M a horrible reviewer.

Also, I can point out most of the writing style and grammatical errors. Most of the time I just choose not to because other errors including pacing, characterization and plot are more important, and putting a lot of grammar and stuff in just dulls down this fact that they need to be worked on, even though I will correct the author if they make the same mistake continuously.

I also have had this picture I think you'd like to add to your collection of Scoots

>> No. 106210
File 133939142019.png - (335.69KB , 1132x546 , the apocalypse ponies.png )
Hello there. I would like to request a review of my fic. It's a pretty dark tale, so fair warning here. Also, I will be linking both the prologue and first chapter. The first chapter also just went through a rewrite, so this'll be a new experience for the both of us. I'd specifically like to know if Chapter 1 is good in terms of plot progression. That was what the rewrite was meant to fix.

Title: The Herald of Fire
Author: InsertCleverNameHere
Tags: [Grimdark][Adventure]
Characters: OC's, Mane 6, Princess Celestia
Word Count: (Prologue and Pt 1)5530
Synopsis: Four heralds, each darker and eviler than the last, roam across Equestria searching for the one pony who could stop them. But one of them has doubts. Is what they are fighting for really worth it? Is it worth countless lives being lost? A trip to a familiar small town will test what she truly believes in. The resulting adventure will be one no pony will ever forget.

Also, the pic of this post is art of the four heralds in the story, modled after the four horses of the apocalypse. Thanks for reading my fic. I look forward to the review. :)
>> No. 106213
File 133939347605.png - (1.29MB , 1360x768 , pwncash.png )
Dudes: don't worry about not being able to polish stories up to, like, "EQD level" and stuff, because there's, like, no such thing.

You can't promise anyone that your review strats will get them past the prereader bosses, cuz, like those guys change their attack patterns for every author. They want to train all the stories up so that they're like the pro-est they can be, and sometimes they're gonna find weak points that even the best reviewers missed. There's not a lot of dudes who can say "if you do everything I say, your fic will get on EQD."

It doesn't matter if you don't think you're pro enough to get authors on EQD because in the end, it's all on the author to get himself on EQD anyway, and every little bit of strat advice helps, y'know. Trying your best is all anyone can ask.

...Can you guys lend me five bucks?
>> No. 106217
>I like to think of it this way: We're like 30 grit sandpaper. We'll shave your story down to a good outline, but you're still going to need an 80 or 100 grit to get a nice smooth finish.

Exactly. And you have to use the 30 grit before you use the 100 grit, otherwise you'll be there all day.

Or something like that. Hell, I'm a nerd who writes pony fiction, what the hay do I know about carpentry?!
>> No. 106235
File 133942580103.png - (137.39KB , 386x421 , 132619963672.png )
Uh, sure, why not? Oh yeah that's right, my laptop doesn't transmit money electronically. Bummer dude.
Thanks or the pic, it's been added to my collection.
I once tried to skip the coarse grit step and go straight to 130. It took me four hours and I wore all of the sand off the paper, and still never finished.
>> No. 106236
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Only noobs ask for 5 bucks, but okay :C
(Thanks for the advice)


I want to make a wooden RD now.
>> No. 106259
Hi, just to say, that I NO LONGER require a review. I appreciate the notes you made on the document, but I'm postponing the development of the fic for another time. I have another beast which needs taming in the writing world. (figuratively speaking of course.)

Also, just a question for either reviewer really, would it be possible to ask for a mere opinion? As in, no in-depth reading, just a simple yes or no on the plot/ enjoyment of it. Just I have ideas which can all be refined but choosing how much effort to put in to shine a story is always helpful. I see no point in, if you'll excuse me using an old metaphor, 'polishing a poo' in this context. Better to juxtapose a great piece then inspire a false sense of achievement.
>> No. 106270
File 133945521708.png - (184.63KB , 308x401 , NoxPatience.png )
Hello, you two. Can you remove me from your queue?
>> No. 106271
File 133945574486.jpg - (6.35KB , 225x225 , 3495862-345809.jpg )
Ya done been removed, upon request, although I'm curious why.
Oh but dorogango's are so fun to make. Eh, why not, I'll give you an opinion.
>> No. 106273

I removed it because I feel that it is currently grammatically perfect. And, since you've said this is 30-grit sandpaper, I shouldn't bother you with something like this.
>> No. 106281
File 133946006092.png - (696.51KB , 900x660 , NightRun.png )

> it is currently grammatically perfect

Please, putting yourself on a high horse like that is just setting yourself up for a long fall. And running it past the autoreviewer hardly counts. It's hardly perfect.

You should have a better reason to pull out of queue than 'I think' statements. Have something solid. I.E. I've found a plot hole the size of Jupiter on my own. Or, someone else agreed to review it and I do not wish to waste time with conflicting reviews.

> sage
>> No. 106284
File 133946052924.jpg - (57.38KB , 693x960 , 149730_408956145803658_100000678274898_1291656_1191550359_n.jpg )
Tri-star here has a point. If you want to pull out of the queue I'm not going to argue, and I have removed you from the queue. Good luck on your endeavors, although I honestly don't expect you to get far with that attitude.
>> No. 106288
File 133946124735.jpg - (9.89KB , 300x202 , noxhateproof.jpg )

>implying that I wasn't exaggerating

Of course it's not perfect, you twit! And I'm not setting myself up for anything. The real reason I chose to remove myself from the queue is because the story has entered into a point where it's to my liking. Any more reviews would be redundant by now.
>> No. 106290
File 133946187583.jpg - (12.31KB , 320x252 , 579391_154697504655738_1249309511_n.jpg )
Now that I can respect. Good luck bro.
>> No. 106291
File 133946190767.jpg - (53.39KB , 640x380 , Background.jpg )

> Of course it's not perfect, you twit
Then don't imply that it is. Over-exaggeration or not... you still said it and it makes you look a little pretentious. Also, please don't sink to the level of petty name calling. That just makes you seem like an ass and seeing that, others will feel less like giving you a review.

> it's to my liking. Any more reviews would be redundant by now.
And one last review never hurts... especially when it's already in queue. I have yet to see a story that doesn't benefit from a sincere review, which I have no doubt that Prof. Hugbox or Minjask would have kindly provided.

But fine, if you feel that it's good enough, we can't stop you. However, it's with attitudes like you've demonstrated that have been the downfall of authors who could have been better. And there's always better to strive for.


I'm terribly sorry for derailing your thread with this petty argument. I shall leave it alone now. I look forward to reading your future reviews.

Good day to both of you.

>> No. 106295
File 133946339229.png - (13.81KB , 640x361 , noxwaiting.png )

Apologies to you if you've been offended. I've been on here a bit, and since I don't know who you are, I assume I've been here longer.

If you were here before, then I can see why you would not recognize me, as I just recently changed my name.

I'm not pretentious. My exaggeration and humour tends to be a bit over the top, but I'm not what you deem me to be.

>another review won't hurt

Of course it won't, but if I keep having one part reviewed, I'll never get to writing the second, nor the third, nor the fourth, and so on.

>the downfall of better authors

I never said I was great, and your assumption makes me seem like even more of an ass than I really am.

I'm not a great writer. Far from it, actually. I'd like to think I don't have that much of an ego, but as the old adage goes: "You're most yourself when no one can harm you."

Currently, I do have one person in my story doc helping me with dialogue actions.

Minjask: Since I have to be writing a few more lines into it, I suppose you can re-add my story to the queue, if you would be so kind as to do so.
>> No. 106296
For all you know, he is vimbert, Twilight Snarkle, or the Samurai himself, each of whom are far older than yourself here. Just saying. Also ***, hi, how are the bunnies?
>> No. 106297
File 133946360120.png - (175.18KB , 621x1284 , scootaloo_derelle.png )
Okay, but I'm going to wait until this derail ends, and it's going to the bottom of the list since it had been removed.
>> No. 106298
File 133946373194.png - (184.63KB , 308x401 , NoxPatience.png )

Oh, the derail's over. And I'm fine with being last. Gives me more time to write Part II. If the queue's long, expect that you'll be seeing it, too.
>> No. 106302
File 133946618840.jpg - (45.81KB , 500x333 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-no-twilight.jpg )
Darn, I've lost another one to time. I've just been trying to take the next major step in my life to enter the world of working, which isn't going so well, and in return it makes me take long on reviews.

From what I've read so far, I think the concept is fine, but it really doesn't need more than over 10k words to do, and seeing as this is your first chapter I can assume it would be over that. Granny Smith dying is sad, but it shouldn't sprawl anything more than a few days of Applejack coping with the situation. There's no pull to it.

I wrote a story once where Twilight dies and Spike has to cope with this fact, but the grabbing point was that Spike legitimately thought it was all his fault and had to hide it from everyone. (Twilight dies in a fire accidentally created by Spike in the Everfree Forest, if curious)

What may have been good for this was to have Applejack's life drastically change (Through her eyes, at least) but this just is like 'I'm sad, and she was there for me, so I'm sad she's gone. Boopy shoopy boopy'

I like the writing style though. That's always your strong point! Those are my opinions about your story. Sorry my reviewing hasn't been as efficient as my last one was. Please take that opinion as a mini-review

Also, dat derail

I know we've already come to an understanding about this, but Tri-Star has a very good point.

I don't even think famous George Orwell, Charles Dickens or Ayn Rand would even say their story is perfect in any aspect, and that's because good authors are always second guessing themselves.

The trick is to find a good balance between being confident with your work and second guessing it.
>> No. 106309
File 133947066177.jpg - (67.87KB , 960x600 , 547399_378811625473182_340772192610459_1238898_1073046916_n.jpg )
Sorry for the wait, but here’s your review, and I left a few comments on the doc.

> Both their ears perked up as something splintered. Looking down, she gasped. “Oh... I’m so sorry! I didn’t see it there.”
I remember finding this same problem when I read this in the write off: Vinyl records are flat, so it wouldn’t break just by being stepped on. Scratched maybe, but unless it landed on something like a marble or other small object to lift it slightly it wouldn’t splinter so easily.

> halfway to the recording studio where Vinyl worked.
> she hadn’t even noticed she was in downtown Manehattan.
So, she knows how to get there, but doesn’t know that it’s in Manehattan?

> Sitting down, she held her head in her hooves and gently rubbed
She’s in the middle of Manehattan. Certainly it will be crowded, where is she sitting down?

> Octavia! Surprised to see you here
> What can I do for Vinyl’s friend?
Calling her “Vinyl’s friend” implies that they haven’t yet been acquainted, so calling her by name first is out of place, because it implies that they have met before.
If they have met before, you should change “Vinyl’s friend” to just “you”.
If they haven’t met before, you should try “You must be Octavia. Surprised to see you here.”

As for the pacing, there was that one scene where Octavia was trying to mess up Vinyl’s record storage room, which felt like it could have been drawn out a bit before Vinyl got there, but other than that I think it’s fine. Although, admittedly, I’m no expert on story pacing.
>> No. 106313

> So, she knows how to get there, but doesn’t know that it’s in Manehattan?
I was going for she was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't realized she was already in downtown Manehattan.

> Calling her “Vinyl’s friend” implies that they haven’t yet been acquainted
I was going for one of those guys who knows about everyone, but doesn't actually know them. I.E. He knows their name, but not much more. Guess I failed.

> As for the pacing, there was that one scene where Octavia was trying to mess up Vinyl’s record storage room.
Hehe, that seems to be a downfall of mine. I could probably finish fixing this, post it somewhere and one of the first few comments would be something along the lines of, "Your pacing is off."

Anyways, thanks for the review. I've found it helpful and I'll start working on it probably tomorrow before work.

Until next time.
>> No. 106315
File 133947288459.jpg - (7.21KB , 239x211 , 23948652-309.jpg )
>she hadn't realized she was already in downtown Manehattan.
well that's an easy fix, in fact you've just solved it for yourself. here's how the line went:
>she hadn’t even noticed she was in downtown Manehattan.
notice the similarity to:
>she hadn't realized she was already in downtown Manehattan

The others I'm sorry to say I can't help you with.
>> No. 106327
The Edge of Harmony
About 3200 words
Synopsis: Pearl, a pony with a head full of stories from her child hood hero travels to Ponyville to fulfill her dream of meeting Twilight Sparkle. But nothing would have prepared her for what would transpire.

Looking for a review on the flow. If the plot is either not relivant or hard to follow. Ive got like 10 chapters up but if I can fix Chapter 1 I can fix the rest and maybe get some readers.

Other chapters on FiMFiction http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19248/The-Edge-Of-Harmony
>> No. 106332
The synopsis greatly interests me, and I ravishing a good Twilight Sparkle being awesome based story. Claiming before Minjask gets any silly ideas
>> No. 106334
File 133948008801.jpg - (2.99KB , 117x120 , prancing scoots.jpg )
All yours dude, I'm going to be busy scribbling down sudden bursts of story inspiration for the next week or so anyway.
But I think I'll claim this while I'm at it.
>> No. 106350
Hey. I just looked at the queue, and my story seems to have been dropped. Is that what happened?
>> No. 106365
File 133951611115.jpg - (9.26KB , 176x208 , tumblr_ljt9dyzvPu1qj4uijo1_250.jpg )
I've been forgetting to add things to the queue lately. Doesn't mean you're dropped, it means neither of us have put you in yet and we're too lazy to get off our butts to do it.

I just woke up... I'll ad it later. Just know that I'm on it.
>> No. 106370
File 133952347543.jpg - (42.62KB , 687x384 , 132619922357.jpg )
Sorry, I never saw it, as it was posted while I was partying it up at my birthday party. 19 by the way, since you were wondering Hugbox. It's now been added to the queue.
>> No. 106372
Monsters of Men (working title)
Human, Romance, (maybe) Adventure
Synopsis (working): Humans, a cancerous and violent race, doomed to bring about our own extinction all the while laughing with manic glee. A man stumbles his way into Equestria; however, will he bring with him salvation or ruin?

I'm entirely happy with neither the title nor the synopsis, and those probably will be changed later, but for now they get the general idea across. This is the first chapter, which I'll be working on for a while yet, so it may not be 100% complete depending on when you get around to reviewing it. I figure I'll be close to done with the first draft in a couple of days.
I'm most interested in if it seems interesting at the moment and if it'll be worth spending the tens of hours to get the rest of it batched out and then many more to edit it into its final form.
>> No. 106376
File 133952615065.png - (39.44KB , 125x115 , 133884823007s.png )
You're in the queue, tentatively. You'll need to expand that to at least 1000 words, preferably more, before either of us even looks at it. If you need help expanding it, try the story forge thread. >>97121
>> No. 106377
File 133952658850.png - (99.64KB , 360x360 , Applebloom waiting.png )
Um, I think you may have missed my entry. I don't see it in the queue. It may be because I submitted it when your thread was sort of derailed earlier. I was just curious is all. Feel free to correct me if I missed something, cuz I do that a lot.
>> No. 106378
I know, its not done. I just figured I'd get it in the queue since it'll probably take a few days before one of you looks at it. I'm not entirely sure how long it'll end up being when this first draft is done, but it will be over a thousand words. I'm trying to keep this first part short, simply because it's not what most people would be interested in. The first chapter is just protagonist introduction and some human realm world building.
>> No. 106380
File 133952720707.png - (144.07KB , 900x864 , awesome_scootaloo_by_nerevars-d4yxs0b.png )
Yup, sorry about that, It's been added to the queue. If anypony else feels they've been missed, feel free to ask. I missed quite a few things over the weekend, so it's possible I've still overlooked somepony.
>> No. 106382
File 133952807153.jpg - (72.43KB , 960x720 , 429147_369537393078309_276669245698458_1230606_1413195907_n.jpg )
Freakin' 2 and a half years older than me man. Why am I so young?

I understand, but you can't add things in the queue for a place holder without being finished, regardless of how long we may take. It's unfair to others who will submit at the same time that you do who have their stories finished.
>> No. 106383
Alright, I'm a results kind of guys, so I don't entirely get why its unfair, but I'll respect the decision. I'll post the link again when its finished.
>> No. 106384
File 133952850219.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
Well, think of it this way. I've I had a story idea, not a story but just an idea, and I submitted it to a review queue with the promise that it would be finished by the time they got to it, then several stories were posted after me, already completed, would it be fair to them, to have to wait for their already completed story to be reviewed, whereas mine is reviewed immediately upon completion because of the sumbission time? It's like asking your friend to hold your place in line at a gaming store, so you can go find cash to buy the latest game with. It's really not fair to the ponies who are already prepared.
>> No. 106393



27, Broadcast Journalist, trained in grammar...

I need to lay down for a bit...
>> No. 106394
File 133953713104.jpg - (8.02KB , 225x225 , innocent scootaloo.jpg )
By my math he would be 16, because I've only just turned 19 and he said two and a half years, so when you wind back roughly six months he's already ~18.5, then when you take two years off of that it makes ~16.5. *squee* But yeah, with this fandom being as wide as it is, it's not uncommon for me to meet bronies both younger and much older than myself.
>> No. 106399
File 133954088012.png - (71.63KB , 721x490 , chart3[1].png )
>saged for irrelevance

Based on a survey, the fandom is roughly 1/3 high school age, 1/3 college age, and 1/3 adult age. Tapers pretty sharply at 30+, but personally I've met a handful of 40+ bronies.

Sauce: http://www.herdcensus.com/
>> No. 106402
File 133954115694.jpg - (154.84KB , 1273x711 , BeautifulVoice.jpg )
Yep, 16, birthday in September.

I've never had a proper English education, (Most of my English knowledge other than the basics is from online) and I'm still in highschool. Should I really be doing this reviewer thing?

Eh, why not?

Unrelated: Catching up on Adventure Time, and I've realized that the Ice King is the best rule 63 fanfic writer.
>> No. 106405
I have completed the first draft now. The chapter only ended up at 1500 words, but I wanted to keep this part as short as possible: it's non-pony and just world building. I have like two scenes of the next chapter roughed, and that's already at 2500. So, length shouldn't be an issue for any subsequent chapter reviews.
>> No. 106425
File 133955044497.png - (350.38KB , 1366x768 , dafuqdidijustread.png )
Wow, I must really be slacking off; it’s been five days since the last chapter review was posted. Well, two if you subtract the three days I took off for my party, but whatever the case, I’ve made you and everyone else in the queue wait. Enough pointless rambling, on to the review.

>It was then that Twilight knew the utter depths of fear.
Well that just seems completely out of place. There had better be a good explanation for that.

>perspiring purple pony persistently pushed.
My goodness, try saying that five times fast That five times fast, ha! Nothing wrong with your excessive alliteration, but I wanted to comment on it.

>I Will End You.
Really? I doubt Twilight would be that upset. She’d be more focused on removing herself from Celestia’s sleeping form.

>Medical discharge, you see. After I finish throttling your windpipe, I’ll be gouging my eyes out with the kitchen utensils
Oh dear, they must have seen something horrific. Everypony seems to be overreacting throughout this entire scene.

You use far too many vague descriptions in your writing. Readers are smart, but nopony can read your mind. You leave everything up to the reader to figure out, and it becomes very difficult to focus on the story. My usual reading speed of 350 words per minute, which normally drops to about 200 when I do reviews, is running at an average of about 50wpm for your story. I shouldn’t have to think that much when I read. You use so much prose in your descriptions, which have way too much LUS by the way, that by the time I’ve finished reading a sentence, I’ve completely forgotten what the beginning was and I need to reread most of the paragraph to get a sense of what it is you’re describing. Granted the reading might be a bit skewed by the writing of this review, 50 words per minute, or even 100 if you want to put a curve on it, is still ridiculously slow for any competent reader. And nopony should have to read something twice to understand it.

And your scene changes, my goodness! It’s hard to keep track of it all. This is the same reason I dropped the first story in my old thread, and I’m about to do the same thing here if this doesn’t become less of a headache soon. Even my patience and tolerance has its limits, and you sir are tiptoeing right up to the boundaries.

>Oh god oh god oh god KEEP IT AWAY!
Sweet Celestia! These soldiers REALLY HATE Pinkie Pie! Why is everypony so melodramatic?

>Pinkie looked up, still dizzy from her encounter with Captain Dornier.
Hold on a moment.
>They surveyed the damage caused by the dark haired pony’s sudden rush out the door. The first collision had sent Pinkie Pie flying, to say nothing of the twin plates of desserts. The next collision was not seen so much as heard, as the officer had barreled straight into Applejack a second time, outside of Sugarcube Corner.
>Sugarcube corner
Pinkie Pie is at Sugarcube Corner, so she could not have run into Captain Dornier. Captain Dornier is in Canterlot with Twilight and the Princesses. He is about to strangle Captain Laurie remember? He cannot be at Sugarcube corner.

At least the translation ritual made some sense, if any. I’m heavily regretting taking on this story. I’ll give it one more chance, but if I dislike the next chapter as much as I did the last three, I’m dropping this.
>> No. 106448
File 133955751472.png - (37.71KB , 656x644 , NoBucket.png )
>>perspiring purple pony persistently pushed.
>My goodness, try saying that five times fast. Nothing wrong with your excessive alliteration, but I wanted to comment on it.

Actually, it is rather off. If the character is already established, and I'm assuming this is Twilight, we use Twilight or 'she'. Saying other things (Unless they're specific to the context, like saying 'The small unicorn stood in front of the snow golem.' This exemplifies size. Notice how I didn't say 'purple' because that's irrelevant to the context) fuels into 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome'. Please refrain from doing this.
>> No. 106454
File 133955839358.jpg - (167.43KB , 858x931 , ristar_in_a_sunny_day_by_chicandy-d38w9kj.jpg )
Hey, Minjask, I noticed in TTG that you said you were planning to review my fic next in the queue. First off, thanks a million; you have no idea how much this helps! Second, you mentioned you like to do interactive reviews, when both the author and critic are present. Well, I won't be around for the rest of the night, but I will be around for essentially all day tomorrow, so if you were planning to start on it tonight, you might want to consider taking the night off. ;) Thanks in advance for the review!
>> No. 106457
File 133955886034.jpg - (71.23KB , 806x990 , baby_scootaloo_on_nightmare_night.jpg )
It's a good thing I had this open in the other tab. I literally had just sat down to do your review, when ponychan x sent me an update. I would love to put it off for an interactive review; it's actually quite refreshing that you've requested it. But I'm in class for most of the day, and I don't get back to the dorm until at least 6:30 EST, sometimes 7, which is why I normally post at night. Let me know when you're available tomorrow evening and I'll be sure to set aside time.
>> No. 106470

I'm not a big fan of LUS myself, but this was one case where it was a bit funny.
>> No. 106487
It just sounds really odd to me, personally
>> No. 106488
I like it.
>> No. 106504
File 133957963541.png - (247.68KB , 400x400 , Wish I May, Wish I Might.png )
Wish I May, Wish I Might chapter 1: The First Chapter

Crossover, Adventure... random?
(Humour is always a ticklish subject for me. People tend not to find me funny)

When Apple Bloom decides to wish upon a falling star, she has no idea of the consequences that it will have. Seven years later, the human Maxwell arrives in an Equestria that is crumbling into a new dark age. Unaccustomed to being a pony and facing numerous other adversities, he must now try and stem a tide of insanity. Who will help him and who will fight him?

10,470 words

(I have never used google docs before and I am not entirely sure if commentaries are enabled or if that happens automatically)

I’m curious to know about mistaken homonyms, what you think of the OC Maxwell, whether the introduction is too dry, if the CMC feels out of character and whatever else you can find for me to improve on. Anything to better me as a writer will be appreciated.
>> No. 106510
File 133959267872.jpg - (74.37KB , 977x817 , ___ristar____by_funkyjeremi-d2yts7y.jpg )
7 works fine for me. See you then! :)
>> No. 106618
File 133963881846.png - (83.35KB , 500x339 , FreshPrince.png )
Yes, I'm making a decision without my partner's approval, but I think he will agree with me anyways. I haven't done much in this thread as far as reviewing goes (Even though I'm working on it) I might as well help out our organizational skills with this process.

We got a little bit of a backup I feel should be cleared through first before we do anything. I'm sure Minjask could use a little bit of a breather anyhow. We will re-open this once we get through with our current queue (Or at least through most of it)

(I'll re-open it or delete this post if Minjask is strongly apposed, but I think he'll be with me)
>> No. 106624
File 133963957894.jpg - (10.09KB , 240x210 , rarity crying.jpg )
Aw come on. I'm just about finished with the second chapter of Pop Culture and you close the queue now?! Imma cry til the queue reopens.
>> No. 106626
File 133963973681.jpg - (34.63KB , 500x262 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-applebloom-and-the-cherubs.jpg )
Oh, yeah, almost forgot. You got special permission because we talked about me reviewing it beforehand. Just post it when you're ready.
>> No. 106629
File 133964045072.png - (12.92KB , 417x500 , 2384 - 3 crossover human humanized Lucky_Star scootaloo.png )
I'll be honest, I was noticing that too, although I'm good to keep reviewing for a while. If not for the upcoming write-off, I would be very torn about this, but since we've got a good four or five stories queued, and only a few days left before the write-off, it seems a safe choice to cut it off here. I can't speak for my colleague, but I will be devoted wholeheartedly to the write-off once the prompt comes through, and will not be posting any reviews during that time.

Don't cry, the queue will reopen soon, and it seems Hugbox is going to let you post it anyway.
>> No. 106630
File 133964084527.jpg - (8.13KB , 214x235 , best pony.jpg )
Yeah I'm going into the writeoff as well and I'm going to post the last review in my queue tomorrow. I just want Pop Culture up for review before then so I can focus on the prompt over the weekend.
>> No. 106633
File 133964209664.gif - (449.71KB , 500x465 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-party-with-class.gif )
Well, this just means I'll be sweeping up the thread while you're busy out doing the contest. I decided not to do it. Too much to do and I'm already flaking on my reviewer duties as is.
>> No. 106637
File 133964243814.jpg - (7.75KB , 201x251 , 335707596453.jpg )
Hey, I'm not leaving you out to dry, I'm about to run overdrive if I can do it safely just to I can see an empty queue before the write-off. In fact:
I'm taking this because it's been sitting for so long and it looks like Nick dropped it anyway. I'll do the first half tonight and finish it tomorrow.
>> No. 106647
File 133964477698.png - (235.61KB , 710x469 , 132619874222.png )
One of my shortest reviews, but here it is:

The only question I have, although I’m certain this was your intent, is of the Zodiac Ritual itself. What purpose does it serve? Why is it so important? A spell of that magnitude and difficulty would never be called upon unless it was absolutely necessary.

As for that ending, absolutely brilliant, I am completely hooked and cannot wait to devour the rest.
>> No. 106713
File 133965782323.jpg - (6.37KB , 206x245 , sweetie belle being adorable and stuff.jpg )
Title: Pop Culture

Tags: Slice of life and maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe comedy

Synopsis: Sapphire Shores returns to Rarity's boutique to thank her for the most comfortable, fashionable stage wear she's every had. While there, she overhears Sweetie Belle singing, and decides her voice is SENSATIONAL. Logically, she offers Sweetie a recording deal. Sweetie accepts, and moves to Canterlot to learn the art of being a pop starlet, with all the ups and downs it brings.

Word count: 1772 for the prologue and 2740 for the first chapter.

links: Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V40ZqxDjjIrfi3hEWQuitM7jwCmtzpG2mpZexKA5ey4/edit

Chapter one: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1db42Alp4dokmawNEr8cOXHkt6iIcZCGDyd16hxBx_FA/edit

Comments: The first chapter worries me a bit. There are a lot of great scenes in my opinion but they're mixed in with scenes that I feel could be better but I cant figure out how. My only other concern is Sweetie not getting enough face-time. Besides that I think I'm good as far as story structure, but I'm biased and shit so my opinion is about as helpful as a bladeless knife. Anyways I'm exhausted so I'll go now
>> No. 106715
File 133966113434.png - (43.31KB , 125x125 , 132839745994.png )

I will be monitoring this thread then. I hope you won't forget about me
>> No. 106747
File 133969239239.png - (67.59KB , 200x193 , I\'mSoFresh.png )
Oh, don't worry, we will.
>> No. 106817
Title: It has a lot of different titles
Summary: It has a lot of different summaries
Tags: It's got a slightly dark one, a slightly sexy one, a slice of life one, and... I dunno. Nothing that you'd have to steer clear of.


Bit of a throwaway submission, but from a certain point of view, any feedback is good feedback. I would like to know what you think of my writing quality-- What kind of writer do you think I am, what do you like and what don't you like. I also enjoy specific criticism, the likes of which you would be able to give much more easily if I had the patience to turn this into a google doc.

Making this a gdoc would be a lot of work that I don't wanna do and also it would be hideously ugly unless I re-format it a lot, which would be a lot of work that I don't want to do.

You could just write a horrible mega-post pointing out specific sentences-- that way of doing things does WORK and I won't have a problem taking it all in, or you could just not bother with being so precise. But I'd prefer if you did.
>> No. 106819
Queue is closed sir.
>> No. 106824
File 133972665165.jpg - (88.90KB , 960x960 , 537922_277260269019117_195346210543857_618956_1073422605_n.jpg )

Sorry friend, but the queue is closed. You might want to come back in a few days, maybe.
>> No. 107047

Heyas, - sorry about not responding earlier. Been ass-deep in Oracle/Weblogic administration stuff all this week. Just wanted to say thank you for your reviews. I appreciate the time you've taken to purposefully ponder my pedantically purple prose, and your reviews are interesting to read.

Keep up the good work
>> No. 107049
Oh no, you bumped the thread up! That means people are going to see that I haven't done anything in a while. This is bad. I gotta flee the country.
>> No. 107050

we can get you on the 5:45 to Singapore. Talk to nobody! Your contact will go by the handle "Bumpus rumpus"

We gotta move!
>> No. 107053
File 133980746787.jpg - (7.84KB , 300x168 , 234-79532.jpg )
Aww thanks.

And the hammer lifts, there's a possibility I'll finish this now.
>> No. 107080
File 133981652177.jpg - (47.26KB , 620x392 , IMG_0001.jpg )
Oh, Minjask; I forgot to mention that I really didn't add anything new to my story beyond what you saw. So, if you could give your review based on what you saw, I would really appreciate it. :)
>> No. 107084
File 133981737699.png - (180.00KB , 413x514 , scootaloo hmm.png )
I suppose, but I haven't really written it yet. It will be the first thing I post on monday, I promise
>> No. 107158
File 133986442191.jpg - (38.10KB , 500x500 , 133971222995.jpg )
Welp, here we are. It's been like 2 weeks since I've actually done a review. Bleh. Well, I'm getting back into the habit.

Where to begin
Overall, I think it's doing pretty good, but there's a lot of issues i have with the plot so far. One thing is that Sweetie Belle gets her Cutie-Mark too quickly. From what we've seen, you don't get the Cutie-Mark from getting set up to do something, you get the Cutie-Mark for actually doing the talent.

Pinkie's is parties, so it made sense that she got hers DURING the party she put on. Rainbow Dash got hers DURING her race. Twilight Sparkle got hers DURING (Well, rather a little bit after) he magic exam. I would suggest waiting until a scene later in the story where she is up on stage singing. Another problem with this is that now we know that this actually is good for her. This suggests no conflict, because now she's confirmed where she belongs.

The only conflict I can foresee is Applebloom and Minjask- I mean Scootaloo getting jealous.

Another plot issue is how Sapphire Shores is there by herself. A famous pop-star probably wouldn't be going around by herself. Paparazzi, groupies, and all of those crazy people would probably be there. Though this is excusable, since she is alone in the show, but at the same time she just came off tour.

Another issue: Discussing contracts. I doubt she'd actually know anything about that. That's what agents and those law peoples are for. Just have her call one of them up and that will fix the problem.

Onto writing style:
We kind of talked about this a little, but your have a problem with description: not enough. There's not enough action taking place in this scene. You just have them turn or blah blah to each other and push in a lot of dialogue. You don't introduce the setting. (Even though we know it's the Carousal Boutique, that's easy to infer, but you describe almost nothing of it) This is the same when they go upstairs. What was the room like? Did Sweetie mess up some of it with her dancing while singing? Well, you don't say she was dancing, but a clean room would suggest she wasn't!

Also the repetition of dialogue tags. With as little description as you do, dialogue tags can get really repetitive really, really quickly. There's some cases where we know who is speaking anyways s you can simply take that out. What you can do to help your descriptive prowess is to show us some of the body language shown. You do it a bit for Rarity's, but those are only in her extreme cases.

Sapphire Shores seems so much like a stereotypical slightly-egotistical popstar in the show. I just can't put my finger one what exactly is wrong, but I feel her character in this story just lacks that pop-star feel.

All-in-all, it's got promise, and I'm curious to see what happens next, but it needs a lot of work.
>> No. 107161
File 133986626218.jpg - (6.56KB , 288x175 , double the fun.jpg )
Thanks for the help. I'm going to get working on the problems you mentioned but I'd like to address a couple of flaws(?) with some of your arguments.

First I don't think anypony gets their cutie mark by simply doing their special talent. If that were the case the CMC would have gotten their cutie marks ten times over. To me, a pony gets their cutie mark when the recognize their talent not when they do it (Thus why the CMC haven't yet gotten their marks). That being said I think Sweetie getting her cutie mark at the end of the story works well as well so I'm going to cut that part out and save it until the end.

I understand your Sapphire is a pop star argument but I'd like to offer a rebuttal; Sapphire wasn't being followed when she entered the boutique when she was introduced into the shows canon. Why would that change? I can see it working both ways. Maybe I'll add a dialogue where she says she has bodygaurds outside or something but for now I'm not sure how to really combat this issue or know if it's really an issue at all.

I understand your concerns about the conflict. That'll be introduced in the first chapter I know that's a lame excuse and I'm considering combining the first chapter and prologue into one chapter since it they both are really an introduction to the story. The only real reason they're separated is that a long period of time passes between the two chapters (Like two weeks) so if you think I should combine them with a scene break rather than separate the two tell me.

I didn't really mean that they were talking about an actual contract with real parameters or anything, more of just the concept of Sweetie being offered a recording contract. Looking back at it though I see the problem. Problem is, I can't figure out a way to word it so that is the implication. Any suggestions?

I'll fix the dialogue tags and setting stuff, and hopefully it will be better.
>> No. 107163
File 133986648561.jpg - (88.90KB , 960x960 , 537922_277260269019117_195346210543857_618956_1073422605_n.jpg )
>Problem is, I can't figure out a way to word it so that is the implication. Any suggestions?
Don't have them discuss the terms of the contract, just have Sapphire Shores explain to her what it'll mean to be a popstar or something like that. Something like that.
>> No. 107196
Okay here is a doozy; I wrote a comedy fic! Now, I know what you're all thinking- 'But Pinkamina, you're incredibly untalented at anything with isn't mutilation or creepy, and even then it's a hit and miss'. Well, I've got news for you inanimate person, I've wrote one and you'll probably cry with <s> laughter </s> disappointment but that's okay. In the words of a great man, 'All which isn't a straight success is a curve of learning.'

So, fillies and gentle colts, I present you, my abomination.

Title: The bachelor party.
Summary: Spike goes on an epic quest to become the perfect, 'bachelor party thrower'.
Words: 2600.
Linkzies: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11ZNheio84Gn7j2YKsc2Go1S0f5OK363fcYhBkWcfbak/edit

Just a quick note: Writing this was way out of my comfort zone, some ponies say, 'stick to what you're good at', I say , 'Buck them' I'm gonna give this a shot any how and if it doesn't work then there's room for improvement. Maybe comedy was never meant to be carved from my hooves, who knows.
>> No. 107209
Again, queue is closed, sir. Come back later when the queue is open.
>> No. 107211
File 133988434247.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
The queue is closed for now, but fear not, after I'm finished with the write off I will return to whittling down that list of stories. Feel free to resubmit when it opens again.
>> No. 107221
*Sigh* This is what I get for not reading previous posts. I'll be back when reviewage continues.
>> No. 107781
File 134007665427.jpg - (5.37KB , 225x224 , 25696344356.jpg )
Ack! I’ve been caught procrastinating! Sorry, I said this would be the first thing I posted today and instead I spent most of my time in the write-off thread. I see you’ve found Somepony else to help you with it in the meantime, but I do apologize.

Now, to the story.

The irony of their names is comical, and I mentioned this when I reviewed it live, but other than the trophy’s engraving being damaged from a simple fall, I see no holes in what I had not read.

Sorry if that seemed like a lazy post, but I did do almost the entire review on the Doc.
>> No. 107829
File 134012091050.jpg - (6.33KB , 160x120 , APPPLLLEEESSS.jpg )
You! Stop bumping up the thread. Khakis is gonna come back and be all like 'WELL, THAT HUGBOX GAI AIN'T GOT MY REVIEW DONE' then come onto TF2 and hunt me down with his cheap Tomislav.
>> No. 107836
File 134012410006.jpg - (8.04KB , 204x204 , ur my gawd hugbox.jpg )
I like to kell baby man with my new weapon until my review is done! HAHAHAHAHAHA
>> No. 107846
File 134013799323.png - (167.46KB , 397x391 , cute ponies.png )
Would any of you two be willing to update your queue, please? The queue is now outdated, as all the review that it says are "in progress" are already completed.
>> No. 107848
File 134013930282.png - (136.56KB , 340x370 , 132547462520.png )
It'll be updated here in a little bit. Promise.
>> No. 107858
Yay, updates! Yay, Hugbox claimed my story!!

Hey, if you have the time, I've finished chapter two. The link is at the bottom of chapter one. Again, only if you have the time, and you don't loathe my story! Can't wait to hear your critique!
>> No. 107896
File 134016695956.gif - (26.41KB , 480x360 , rainbowdashlaughing.gif )
Oh Celestia the lols. It hurts!

It was a review though, so a bump was appropriate
>> No. 107905
Title: To Endure
Tags: [Romance] [Sad]

Synopses: Every princess will have her first love. And the loss of that love will leave its mark on the world, for better or worse.

Word Count: 7,428
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25588/

I've finished one short story out of a planned three. I'd like to see how I'm doing so far.
>> No. 107917
File 134018188190.png - (17.05KB , 150x113 , Scootaloo point.png )
Technically the queue is closed, but I never pass up a good sad fic. Don't make me regret this.
>> No. 107940
File 134020821933.png - (247.96KB , 945x945 , Hmmm.png )
We still got other fics we gotta do, man! I know I'm not exactly pulling my weight (I'm trying. Stuff keeps coming up and it's very frustrating.) we got other people waiting

Khakis and I have a love/hate relationship, especially since I stabbed him 3 times in the back yesterday, and he invited me to play this really, really dumb mouse game, WHERE I KEPT FALLING TO MY DEATH.
>> No. 107945
File 134021177239.jpg - (12.82KB , 252x200 , perfect response to hugbox complaing about my tf2 loadouts.jpg )
AWWWW. Love you to Hugbox. But just to clarify, I don't think it was me you were stabbing since you were the one begging for my head in the chat when you were getting dominated by a certain gunslinger/jag engineer.

PS You feel on purpose.
>> No. 107947
File 134021211523.jpg - (7.12KB , 202x129 , me again.jpg )
*Fell, although I'm pretty certain you feel on purpose as well
>> No. 107948
File 134021214603.png - (133.45KB , 674x658 , WowWtf.png )
That was one map you dominated me, then I ended up stabbing you as a revenge. The LAST map I stabbed you like 3 times
>> No. 107954
File 134021745288.jpg - (34.63KB , 500x262 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-applebloom-and-the-cherubs.jpg )
I stopped reading after you made so many mistakes in a row. It's a bit ridiculous, honestly. If you sent this over to Minty or Nick they would have done the same at 'Your disgusting'. I skimmed the rest, and it doesn't look too bad.

Needs some major work. Remember, "Independent clause, name" notice the comma.
"Independent clause, dependent clause"
"Independent clause; independent clause"

For your kingdom names, maybe try translating Griffon and Zebra into other languages. Equine is Latin, I believe, hence 'Equestria' meaning 'Land of the horse men'.

Writing style:
Your narration is too personal. Most of this is third person omnipotent, though I know at times it will switch to some limited. It needs to be stripped of hyperbole's and things like 'present' when you just should say feather.

A tad boring. They just kind of explain a bunch of stuff that WILL happen, like Sweetie Belle eventually getting a few songs. This is one reason why I started to skim. Nothing really advanced the plot, and at this point there's no conflict to really want me to read more. Nothing is apparent.

The amount of times you have Rarity freak out about stuff is slightly annoying. It's like 'DRESSES, UURRGGHHH' the entire time. Sweetie Belle is always just like 'LOLWHAT'S GOIN' ON'.

Go back through, read it allowed. That helps a lot with comma placement, I've noticed. The biggest issue is grammar and lack of a conflict.

Keep writing!
>> No. 107961
File 134022156137.jpg - (7.23KB , 299x168 , me when you push the limits of the word count.jpg )
Whats this? Hugbox reading an entire fic? No? He just skimmed it? Screw it, he tried!

I'll try to fix the grammar the best I can but I'm not sure how effective reading aloud will be since I tend to put commas in places they shouldn't (Minjask knows this far too well) but I'll still do it. As for the translation thing well.....there is a little problem called ZEBRA AND GRIFFON ARE THE SAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE I CAN TRANSLATE. I've tried multiple translators and any language that uses our alphabet makes only minor changes to Zebra and Griffon (relacing the a in zebra with an e or the i in griffon with a y) so if you have some other idea please tell me.

I understand you feeling bored but I will say there was something to the plot that you missed but if you skipped it that's not a good sign. Veritable is being set up as the villain and is introducing the overall conflict between characters so I could put him first and maybe that would introduce the conflict earlier. As for Rarity being annoying, I tried to make here in her typical over dramatic over minor quibbles but if that comes off as overly annoying I'll try to fix that up. As for Sweetie well I'm trying to make her a little less reactionary but I can't have her stroll in like she knows everything so any suggestions on how to make her dynamic but clueless would be welcome.
>> No. 108030
File 134025065661.png - (136.56KB , 340x370 , 132547462520.png )
Yo, Anon, how's it going? Well, here's the deal. Your story is kind of short, and our good friend, Khakis, is looking to do some shorter stories to review. It's gonna be a bit of a wait here, and he's pretty good at what he does. He'll get to you very quickly. He'll either come in here and review you or do it in his thread here: >>105482

Sorry for the inconvenience, but this might actually be good for all of us. you get a review quicker and we have a smaller queue. It's just that Minjask and I are going quite slow, like incredibly so. I hate to keep so many people waiting.
>> No. 108044
File 134026026710.jpg - (6.37KB , 225x225 , aww you.jpg )
>>108030 I'd be happy to pursue this review but I'd like anon to say it's okay first.
>> No. 108053
I may be a bit extra in this process, but consider Zebrica or - if you're feeling authentic - Pundamilianichi.

I'd personally suggest Griffonia for the griffons, depending on what kind of culture you ascribe to them.
>> No. 108055
File 134029047729.jpg - (8.16KB , 303x166 , hint hint.jpg )
>> No. 108066
File 134031140152.jpg - (10.06KB , 225x225 , CerealPinkie.jpg )
Your logic:
>Oh, look, someone else happened to come up with the same exact names; IT MUST BE GOOD. I don't need to try to be original or anything and just put a vowel sound after a species' name. We should just call Equestria 'Ponia'
>> No. 108087
File 134032240502.png - (264.26KB , 467x479 , 132619971255.png )
Dude, have you seen this? It's pretty much universally used in the fandom at this point. http://hlissner.deviantart.com/art/Equestria-and-beyond-rev-8-1-253465186?
>> No. 108089
File 134032323221.jpg - (9.38KB , 200x298 , 133980323332s.jpg )
Yes, I am familiar with the map used for 'Where the World Ends', this still does not excuse the fact that the names of the territories just seem silly and uncreative.

Also, I don't think it's universally used in the fandom. While I personally am familiar with it, I don't think most people are. I never see the fic discussed.
>> No. 108093
File 134032395786.jpg - (11.14KB , 246x205 , hugbox's diagnosis.jpg )
Dude just give up. Yes, they aren't the most creative names, but really, do you think anyone is going to be like, "Well it was a good story but I can't like it because of that one joke which made the most unoriginal attempts at naming a land of zebras and griffons." And its not like I didn't try, but unless you think the readership of my fic is going to understand foreign alphabets then your straight plum out of luck.
>> No. 108095
File 134032430473.jpg - (35.48KB , 500x326 , 133969218331.jpg )
With Japanese you can put it into Ramona (Or something. Don't remember what that's called) and also with Russian and other languages. The thing is we already have 'Equestria' with is LATIN for 'Land of the Horse Men' and it sounds great.

Also, little things can hurt. Especially 'Your disgusting'
>> No. 108101
File 134032575688.jpg - (8.13KB , 214x235 , best pony.jpg )
I could point out that you're making a straw man by comparing lack of creativity to poor grammar. I could argue that using names others have already used builds up a consistent fan world if you will. I could argue that the names are only uncreative because they have been used before. I could do all these thing and push the thread but instead I believe its best that Mark Foster explain my argument for me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1prhCWO_518
>> No. 108102
Zebra are also horses, which brings into question why there would be a separate land for them if Equestria also exists. Maybe author could use that angle a bit to make them seem more as outcasts (like Zecora is)?

Griffon is Gryphus in latin, and most of its etymological origins are some kind of "grif-" sounding word, so Grifonia sounds fine to me.
>> No. 108103
So, according to the queue, I'm next. Not trying to rush or anything, but any idea when you'll get to me?
>> No. 108104
File 134032880786.jpg - (22.99KB , 345x425 , tumblr_m5a9syMVkv1rp4u5po1_400.jpg )
Tonight I'll start, and probably finish tomorrow. Just a reminder, don't resolve comment I make, please. Those help me with the final review.

We've been pretty dang slow lately, but some other reviewers have been, too.
>> No. 108105
It's cool, bro, take your time. Golden Vision blessed off, so once I get your input, it's off to Minty, then Round One at EqD!

Also, I think at some point you had said you were only going to review the prologue. Is that still true? Chapters one and two are complete.
>> No. 108109
File 134033129431.jpg - (47.35KB , 441x700 , 133793094959.jpg )
I do them periodically. So I'll post a review of your prologue, take maybe a mini break to do another review (Or excessively play TF2.) Then get to your next chapter.
>> No. 108115
File 134033329502.png - (118.56KB , 324x285 , yay.png )
Cool story, bro.


>> No. 108136
File 134034498532.jpg - (6.30KB , 264x191 , 20348965-457.jpg )
Hey ponies, sorry I haven't posted much lately. I've had a lot of school work to do lately because we just moved to a more advanced section of the book. I won't be posting much this weekend either because I'm going to my cousin's wedding. Sadly Love is in Bloom will not be playing. If it were my wedding, it would be. I promise I'll start posting reviews again soon, I just have a few things to get in order right now. Fortuneately the queue is already closed, so I've got some breathing room.
>> No. 108140
File 134034613215.jpg - (6.37KB , 225x225 , aww you.jpg )
Well if you don't mind me saying, you do have another friendly reviewer on this board with an almost empty queue, and a weekend off of work willing to help ;). (Please help me. If you don't I'll have to go to ttg and the only fic I find interesting and can conceivably do well with is one that's 100000 words long. I'm going to have a stroke if I do that.)

> saged to not be a complete jerk
>> No. 108147
File 134036341792.jpg - (339.75KB , 1360x1200 , 131921682030.jpg )

You're welcome to have a look at mine
>> No. 108151
File 134038142159.jpg - (26.73KB , 214x235 , 10022_r.jpg )
Thanks for helping us out. I'm trying to get all of the reviews done (Albeit slow, and Khakis is gonna be like 'LOLNO, YOU'RE JUST PLAYING TF2 ALL DAY. I got a lot on mai mind, okay? I'm getting Jake's done today.) so I can open up the queue on a fresh start. Khakis is sort of a new addition to our team, though no officially since he has his own thread, but we work in conjunction.
>> No. 108314
File 134050628799.jpg - (5.67KB , 225x225 , happy rarity.jpg )
At Hugbox's request I have reviewed this fic on my thread and am now posting a link here >>108313
>> No. 108381
Yo, Hugz! Any word on my story?
>> No. 108385
File 134057257059.jpg - (6.02KB , 227x222 , all saddy waddy.jpg )
He was all saddy waddy yesterday so he didn't review as much as he would have liked
>> No. 108388
Oh. Everything okay, bro? No rush, I was just curious.
>> No. 108420
File 134059030474.jpg - (45.81KB , 500x333 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-no-twilight.jpg )
I'm terribly sorry, things have just been... hard in real life lately. Truthfully, I've contemplated quitting the scene for a while, but I really REALLY don't want to do that. I'm almost done. I promise, promise, promise. I'm sorry for the delay, please know I'm trying the best I can and you will have a full review.
>> No. 108423
File 134059243618.jpg - (27.72KB , 320x271 , 380664_346592988722272_339685176079720_833887_2015314431_n.jpg )
No seriously, guess. Okay you don't have to guess; it's obvious that it's me, what with my name and hash-tag being all up there. So anyway, I just got back from cousin's wedding first wedding I've ever been to and I'm now off to review that story I claimed before I left. Hopefully I'll be able to get some decent reviewing done in between still trying to read all the stories in the write off and get all my schoolwork done. But hey, I have a knack for working under pressure.
>> No. 108424
Hey, like I said, dude, on your time. If you have things you need to deal with, I can mosey over to another queue.

That being said, I hope you stay. You seem to be a great help to a lot of bronies trying their hands at writing. Hey, if life give you lemons, burn it's house down with them!
>> No. 108427
File 134059405173.jpg - (10.09KB , 240x210 , rarity crying.jpg )
Man dont give up. If you need a break just let Minjask handle things for a while. If it feels like I'm nagging I'm sorry. I just really want to start our own thread. I'm just being a bit self centered. If you want I'll even shut my thread down for a bit and take over so you can have a break. Just don't quit. Its just a rough patch and you'll be through it soon enough (:
>> No. 108428
File 134059457530.png - (12.92KB , 417x500 , 2384 - 3 crossover human humanized Lucky_Star scootaloo.png )
Life happens. You're making the same mistake I did for a while: Everything IRL takes priority over ponies. That's the way it should be. If you need a break, I can cover the board. I've finally got my stuff together and we've got Khakispony lending a hand now. Just, chillax, take a few deep breaths, have a cookie, maybe some milk to go with it. You ever heard phrase "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"? Go find some fun activity and get yourself a nice big shot of dopamine naturally produced by your own brain of course. Don't to drugs. Once you're all relaxed and cool, come back, and not a moment before.
>> No. 108429
File 134059464983.jpg - (6.49KB , 234x215 , scootaderp.jpg )
Thread* lol
>> No. 108432
File 134059603616.jpg - (22.99KB , 345x425 , tumblr_m5a9syMVkv1rp4u5po1_400.jpg )
I've been playing ridiculous hours of TF2 to cope with some of the things in my life, so I am already having my cookies and milk, but blleeehhh. Also, Meet The Pyro possibly tomorrow.

I'm not quitting. I LIKE reviewing. But it's also work. It's like when you go to college and get your dream job. It's something you like to do, but that doesn't excuse the fact that it's working. The same goes for writing. You may LIKE writing, but it's also work. That's why people some here.
>> No. 108433
File 134059637642.png - (194.20KB , 386x407 , 133989001715.png )
Traceur/Varsity Track Sprinter/Soccer Keeper, disagrees with your idea of fun... but remembers that you and I are not the same pony.
>> No. 108434
File 134059660465.jpg - (4.73KB , 289x174 , gotye.jpg )
If you did quit I'd be wailing like our friend Gotye here and then you'd have to be Kimbra and then this joke got really bad real fast. PS I'm so excited for the tenth meet the video
>> No. 108436
File 134059716077.jpg - (49.27KB , 720x960 , 317902_439457552753866_1511287584_n.jpg )
Oh boy

I was gonna be like 'there's only 9 classes' then I remembered Meet the Sanvich

Unrelated: person in the Bronies of Arizona group on facebook was doing OC's and they drew mine. Crying for some reason, but probably because the reference I gave her was a recolor of HotdiggidyDemon's Applebloom, and looks scared.
>> No. 108439
File 134059764301.png - (97.46KB , 504x537 , mlfw5289-Pinkie_Stare3.png )
>PS I'm so excited for the tenth meet the video

You're telling me! The next TF2 update, plus a review on my latest story, and they're coming in the same week! I can't contain myself.
>> No. 108441
File 134059777759.jpg - (4.44KB , 211x239 , scootaloo facehoof.jpg )
Sage pony! SAGE!
>> No. 108443
File 134059857319.jpg - (88.90KB , 960x960 , 537922_277260269019117_195346210543857_618956_1073422605_n.jpg )
We got pushed down a bit already. Not a huge deal, but yeah, when talking about unrelated things to fiction, we need to sage. TF2 is great, but mods will get on us if we keep bumping about it! Well, they'll get on us if we turn it into a TF2 thread, but I'm going to post a review here soon to rectify that.

Anyways, hopefully we need new Pyro weapons. I bet that Scorcher they showed on the blog in their 'How Weapons Are Made' post will be added to the game.
>> No. 108445
File 134059885479.png - (231.22KB , 852x475 , mlfw1899-132469152499.png )
Oh god oh god I'm sorry

I'm new at this chan thing oh god I didn't mean to break it I'm sorry
>> No. 108448
File 134059924700.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
No worries, just try to remember in the future. And keep the TF2 talk elsewhere please. I realize I've made a few minor derails myself but we really should keep anything not related to reviews out of this thread; it doesn't belong here. I don't mind small chat with sage about things involving the thread, such as taking breaks or discussing who's going to review something, but that other stuff should be kept separate.
>> No. 108450
File 134059971946.jpg - (5.37KB , 225x224 , 25696344356.jpg )
Well, basically, your storyline isn’t bad but you bog it down with too much romance and not enough sad. Meta jokes are unfunny, and you really should look up words before you use them.

>She always knew this day would come.
And opening with a totally cliché line, let’s see if he can pull it off. This ends up becoming a very good device by the end of the story, so not bad.

>minor demigoddess
Demigoddess already means half of a goddess, you don’t need the minor. Try “mere”.

>sharp objects careening through the air
“Careening” usually refers to an enormous object with a lot of mass, so it doesn’t sound quite right in context with sharp objects.

>He met his electric-blue eyes to hers.
Why am I correcting syntax? “His electric blue eyes met hers” and even then it sounds a bit too colorful.

>hundreds of mare-hours
Not only does this sound strange, it’s unnecessary. Try “Hundreds of hours of their time”.

>I guess. Allons-y, as they say in Trottingham.
Whoa whoa, hold up a second, Nottingham, the unponified Trottingham, is in England, not France.

Okay um… Are you just grabbing a thesaurus and splicing in random words? This is a common rookie mistake, and it really shows in your writing. A dictionary should always be used alongside the thesaurus if you’re going to do this, to make sure you’re using the word properly.

“It’s a word.”
“It is not, it’s ‘obtuse’. ‘Abstruse’ is a weird nonsense word that you just made up and started using because you’re the princess.”
“I looked it up in the dictionary, it’s real!”
“Is not,” he insisted, flopping down on a pillow by the throne.
“Is too.”
“Is not!”
“It is, by royal decree.”


Celestia feels very out of character, but you get away with it for two reasons: A) this is set in the past, so character tweaks are acceptable if they develop in the right direction. B) Celestia is not only quite young; she is flirting with Groundwire constantly because she loves him. This is a bit overplayed however, and you end up with a lot of talking head syndrome in the beginning.

>a nearly unprecedented 86 years...
What timescale are you using? For the average human, 86 years is hardly unprecedented, however for the average horse/pony, 86 years is absolutely unheard of. The average pony lives to be about 40, and the oldest was said to be 63.

>wife of seventy years
So they were married at 16 then? Seriously, what timescale are you using? I find it best to do like the show writers did and never actually name a specific age or timestamp. That way you can imply a relative age and leave the scale up to the reader.

>There was just Day, sitting like something was about to happen, Celestia, smiling at him like he’d just done a cute trick, and oh my god he could see again.
I see what you’re trying to do, but this doesn’t work due to your wording:
>oh my god
>he could see
This would work much better as a rant anyway.

>“Well thank goodness for that. If I wasn’t, this would probably never have worked.”
I can see you’re a fan of Captain Jack, and yet you failed to show him the respect of not stealing his lines. Meta jokes tend to be unfunny as is, and this one only serves to remind me that Captain Jack Sparrow is the only one who has the right to this line.

>It quite frankly rustled her jimmies,

Well you’ve got romance down packed, but the oversaturated humor in this story far outweighed your intended sad feel at the end. When I got to the scene with Groundwire in the hospital I went “Oh yeah that’s right, this is supposed to be sad, but it’s downplayed so much with cheap jokes and distracting talking heads.”

As for your entire last scene: Maybe Celestia is adolescent but she should know to let go. Not forget, never forget, but certainly let go. She can’t blindly hold onto him like that; it isn’t healthy, and it will ultimately destroy her.
>> No. 108452
File 134060033986.jpg - (89.69KB , 900x695 , 10465 - cale-dv cthulhu ponified.jpg )
Title - The Reach
Tags - [Dark] [Adventure] [Mystery] [Minimal Crossover] (Loosely based on the tales of H.P. Lovecraft)
Synopsis - Troubled author Inkwell is not only one of Equestria's only horror writers, but also a stallion without a cutie mark. He has amassed a loyal following of readers, including Princess Luna herself. One day, in order to help him overcome his writer's block, Luna invites him to the castle's restricted library to find inspiration. In the darkest corners of this library, Inkwell uncovers an ancient secret that is unknown even to the two princesses. Soon, he finds himself plagued with horrific nightmares which he uses as the subject of his book, and things become complicated when these nightmares begin to manifest themselves in the real world. Can Inkwell stop them, and possibly even himself, from destroying Equestria before it's too late?
Word Count - 2,521 (2 chapters, work in progress)
Link - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IicnsiCQFkBCBp67JNpWUdBJwAPkOzGiXNiRJpgzoqA/edit
>> No. 108453
File 134060051628.jpg - (6.53KB , 255x197 , 23472502.jpg )
I'm sorry, I've been gone a few days. Our queue is still closed is it not?
>> No. 108454
Can't read, sorry. =(
>> No. 108455
File 134060080932.png - (116.16KB , 610x542 , 4628_quizzical_scootaloo_by_moongazeponies-d3e5zo6_png-610x0.png )
>can't read
Oh goodness that made me laugh. No worries, but you really should check out the link in the sticky that leads to the list of review threads, to check a thread's status before posting. Better yet read the post, but that takes to long, I understand. Here's the link that's in the sticky:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y_ATzvyAAWt0qdKKQ4yvChkbb-JDFpBkpo9b5xrFPgg/edit?pli=1
>> No. 108456

Hmm, yes. This is why I came here. Because these are all valid points, which will be repaired before I show it to anyone else.

Except for two.

"Diarch" means "one of two absolute rulers," which definitely describes Celestia's position. Its use in the story is correct.

Also, Celestia's inability to let go will be a minor plot point in the next chapter, which will focus on Luna. Instead of sarcastic humor, I'm planning drama. Lots of drama.

Aside from those two quibbles, your points are all quite reasonable. Resolved: Less sarcasm, more sad, more context for the gabbing heads. Thanks for your help!
>> No. 108457
File 134060134153.jpg - (6.42KB , 224x224 , shrugponyscoots.jpg )
>"Diarch" means "one of two absolute rulers," Its use in the story is correct.
Must be my dictionary then; I only have one definition for diarch, and that's a flower with two strands of xlyem.
>> No. 108458
Sorry to butt in, but I think he means "diarchy", not "diarch". A "diarch" is a botanic term. =P
>> No. 108459
File 134060169896.png - (17.05KB , 150x113 , Scootaloo point.png )
That, makes perfect sense. Thank you gearbox.
>> No. 108520
Just a quick question. Now that Khakispony has reviewed my fic in his thread, will it still be reviewed here? I'd gladly appreciate a third set of eyes, but I guess it wouldn't technically be needed?
>> No. 108524
Well, I'd suggest fixing what he told you to fix THEN coming back here. That'd be more beneficial. Also, it'd take a while to get to you with my current speed. I just can't seem to really get to Jake's fic, and it's been like a week. Whenever i do something comes up. Minjask is better at actually reviewing than I am. I'm quite... lazy isn't the word... preoccupied.
>> No. 108530
Excellent, I had hoped we could enter an agreement like that. Chances are that the additions will need a review as well. I'll be taking my time to properly contemplate then.
>> No. 108635
File 134074114270.jpg - (165.27KB , 615x615 , BAH.jpg )
Well. Um. This really sucks, but I'm taking a bit of an... extended break. If I can grab fics, I will, but don't expect anything from me for a while. I'm having a lot of personal things going on, and when I'm trying to cope with these things I just spend massive amounts of time on TF2. I just can't sit down and review something when everything going wrong is floating through my mind.

I've tried to sit down and review Jake's fic, but I just can't... seem to dooooo it. It's really hard to explain, but I feel that I can't review something unless I'm at the top of my game. Otherwise I just can't seem to think. I've been trying, and Khakis keeps bugging me about it, but I have to say I just... can't, and this upsets me greatly. I know it seems like I'm being weak with this, and I'm letting the writers, and my partner down, but that's how I feel, and there's not much I can do about that.
>> No. 108653
Hey man, it's okay. You're probably just feeling the effects of burn out. Take all the time you need, and when you're ready, then you can come back. No point in forcing or beating yourself up, that just makes it worse.
>> No. 108657
>If I can grab fics, I will
From where? ITT? I thought that your queue was still closed.
>> No. 108659
I'll be grabbing them from our closed queue. Minjask and Khakis (who is a part of our team now) will be tackling this queue, and I'll try to get to them if I can. A
>> No. 108690
File 134076724466.jpg - (226.39KB , 1024x1024 , 1336705187441.jpg )
Take the break man, Celestia knows you need it. I'll hold down the fort, and I'll see what I can do about getting rid of that queue while you're out. I gotta say though, as soon as I get this thread to 400 posts, I'm outta here too man. I've suddenly got WAY too many things on my plate to be eating up all my time with this board. It's been a fun ride, but every ride has to come to an end sometime.
>> No. 108693
File 134076863346.jpg - (5.67KB , 225x225 , happy rarity.jpg )
And when that post hits, I'll be there, happily sharing a new tag team thread with a good friend.

>totally not speeding up that process
>> No. 108695
File 134077068941.jpg - (122.10KB , 900x913 , 15528 - artist john_joseco book dexterous_hooves twilight_sparkle.jpg )
I'd say so far it's been nice working with you, but I haven't done anything yet. Just like... One review. Well, we can still make the rest of this thread good, assuming I can get my head back on soon.
It's guy love between two gguuuyyyyyssss
>> No. 108774
File 134085313990.png - (17.05KB , 150x113 , Scootaloo point.png )
Alright let’s see if we can’t make a dent in that queue. Sorry for the long wait ponies, but I believe this will all be sorted out now; the queue should open again soon.

Let’s see what we’ve got here. Comments on the Doc(s) and here’s your review.

Well as engaging as that is, it’s all OCs. Funny how I advertise myself as checking for canon characters and everypony sends me OP rampant fics. Oh well, maybe I should try my hoof at judging OCs then. Prologue complete, on with the next chapter.

… And that’s where I’m going to have to stop. I can’t comment on the second document. Open that up and I’ll look at it, but in the meantime>>106372 you’re up.
>> No. 108775
File 134085336283.jpg - (6.42KB , 224x224 , shrugponyscoots.jpg )
Sorry if that wasn't really a review, but there wasn't really anything to review. Perhaps in the second half?
>> No. 108778
File 134085513311.jpg - (6.92KB , 225x225 , boredscootaloo.jpg )
It's been a while since I posted a rejection.

I had hoped this would be poni, but at least you used the [Human] tag. Honestly, there’s really nothing I can help you with; this story needs a proofread, not a character check. I’d recommend either GoldenVision or Chocolate Milk, but they’re both on hiatus right now. *sigh* Have you been to the training grounds at all? In anycase, ours is the wrong thread for this, sorry.
>> No. 108780
File 134085552743.jpg - (6.83KB , 201x250 , 5685824718.jpg )
Hey, guess what? You're not forgotten. Apologies for the wait, but it's finally your turn. I'll be checking out your story in a moment, but I might not finish the review tonight. Hopefully this queue will be empty by the time I hit the hay tomorrow night.
>> No. 108782
File 134085657093.jpg - (6.37KB , 225x225 , aww you.jpg )
I already got that one
>> No. 108784
File 134085882624.png - (59.74KB , 256x256 , vinyl facehoof.png )
Apologies for that. I forgot to enable comments.


Anyways, enabled and ready for you to look at whenever you have the time.
>> No. 108790
File 134086080726.png - (85.04KB , 290x256 , sleeping scootaloo.png )
Not tonight, but definitely tomorrow night, if I still have time after moving all my stuff to my new room. I'm tired, got lotsa stuff to do tomorrow.
>> No. 108806
File 134087531404.gif - (145.72KB , 640x360 , Applejack_chewing.gif )
Ooh! I'm liking the sound of that. The timing couldn't be any better either, Equestria Daily just shut it down again. Perhaps when you go through it you could look for the following?

-Dialogue punctuation (a few scattered instances later in the story)
-Semicolon misuse
-Missing/Unnecessary commas
-Excessive exposition
-Inconsistent narrative perspective (switches from omniscient to second person briefly)
-Formatting and spacing issues
-Awkward phrases

I have no hopes for this story getting featured any more. As soon as they drop the "Awkward phrases" bomb, it's out of my hands.

Not to say I'm giving up on this story, not by a far stretch. I really feel I've come a long way in defining this story and what I want with it. Not getting featured on EqD is not the end of the world.
>> No. 108813
No problem. Like I said, whenever you have the time.
>> No. 108875
File 134094486451.png - (127.09KB , 887x901 , scootaloo_by_bocian3000-d3flr4n.png )
Whoohoo, I am finally home for the summer! Well, just until the 16th, but it’s at least a break from school work, which means I’ll be able to donate more time to this board. I’ve gotten a late start tonight because I had to drive home, and I was over in /meta/ overlooking the new /chat/gala/ situation, but I’m here now, I’ve got my Vitamin Water magical elixir ready, and I’m ready to start eating away at that nasty queue.

Yikes! That’s a lot to look at. I’m not much of a proofreader, and You might want to stop by Nick and Seattle’s thread for some of those points, but I’ll see what I can do to make your and their lives easier, since they were so helpful to me with my own work. I’d have done it anyway

I’m going to try to get to you tonight, but I can’t make any promises because it’s already 12:40am my time.
>> No. 108886
File 134095910345.png - (352.35KB , 1280x720 , Applejack_smile_S02E05.png )
Ah, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's unlikely I'd ever qualify for EqD, so I'm happy with your usual.
>> No. 108937
File 134099971252.gif - (1.20MB , 645x600 , Flutter Dance.gif )
Removing Jake's fic from the queue because it irks me that I haven't been able to do it forever, and he's asked for help in multiple places, and I won't be able to help once he receives the amount of help he's getting. My head can't take it all. Bleh. This fic is a nightmare. Not the fic itself, but the fact that no matter how many times I try to just sit down and review it, I just can't seem to do it. I'm going to try to start out new and see if that fixes my problem.

Apparently I have 'The Edge of Harmony' I've forgotten about. I will do this immediately.

Again, I'm sorry Jake. I just don't know.
>> No. 108940
Well, um... thanks? I'm not sure how to take my story being called "A Nightmare."

LOL, I get it, man. Jus tell me this: did you like it? Don't worry about reviewing or grammar checks. Did you enjoy reading it?
>> No. 108942
File 134100239763.jpg - (3.44KB , 125x125 , DDDDAAAAWWWWW.jpg )
It was pretty good the parts that I read. Your characterization is very concise if I had to say anything. You have mainly OC's (Or BG ponies with no established personality) so your characters are crisp and you keep them in their character the entire time. You have a few grammatical problems here and there, but a good proof reading will do away with that.

Yeah, mini-review, w/e. It was pretty enjoyable.
>> No. 108949
We have a saying in Danish: "to be in seven minds." It means to have seconds doubts, uncertainty.

I have begun to get some concern about my fanfic, "Wish I May, Wish I Might" that I hope I can get resolved.

The OC, Maxwell, was not created for the story, in fact, he isn't a pony. It's an OC of mine I've been using and developing for many years, and I've started to worry whether it was a good idea to include him in this story as the hero.

It has begun to feel more as a promotional work for my original stories and I'm not sure how people will take to him. Would the right people enjoy a story about someone unrelated to ponies in the main seat?

If anyone has some sound advice for me, I'd love to hear it.
>> No. 108959
File 134101909886.png - (107.01KB , 800x551 , 1336713377089.png )
ARGH! I'm really sorry. I've been trying to get to the stories on top of reading the mountain of stuff I didn't read yet in the write off. And Bronycon has just been getting in the way. My deepest apologies, but I won't be getting to these this weekend. *sigh* I had really hoped to see an empty queue too.
>> No. 109254
Title:Pinkie Pie's Phenomenal Ponytech Party

[Comedy] [Humans] [Crossover] [Sci-fi]

Word count: 6291, One-shot

email address: [email protected]

Synopsis: Battletech (or ‘Mechwarrior’) crossover. In a stunning reversal of several plot devices, our ponies find themselves at humanity's interstellar back doorstep. Having some idea of the ongoing problems humans face when it comes to friendship and harmony, one pony in particular takes it upon herself to throw an introductory party right now. What could be a better idea than to wage party with the help of some multiton war machines the wayward Equestrians have found?


Hello! I've got a bit of work here that I've also posted in TTG thread here on ponychan. Trying to get a number of opinions and thoughts on it right now. I'll be linking a seperate instance of the document to you guys here, so comments won't get muddled up.

I'm very much up for chatting about specifics if either of you care to do that. Either way, thank you!
>> No. 109258
Mechwarrior? Isn't that like an old Xbox game? Cause it it is I freaking loved it. Don't have it anymore though. I think that's what it was called.

Anyways, queue is closed. Even if it was open I can never seem to get stuff done and my partner has been busy.
>> No. 109261

Somewhat! Mechwarrior is the name generally given the games on computer/console. Battletech is generally the table top and novels/universe that the former is set in.

And oh dear XD I seem to have missed that the queue is closed! Is that a permanent thing, then? (Oh, I see it listed in the review thread list now. Uses your names, not the thread title. Woops!)
>> No. 109416
I received an email from somebody having trouble with understanding /fic/ and imageboards. They're looking to have their fic reviewed.

Is it alright if I direct them to this thread?
>> No. 109417
Not to speak for Hugbox or Minjask, but their queue's closed at the moment and running pretty slow on that note.
>> No. 109418

Right, I missed that. My bad.

Gonna have to keep on looking for a thread, then. Was going to direct them to the Training Grounds, but their queue is pretty long at the moment...
>> No. 109419
my queues open but its a little full so I can only guarantee a response within a week. GV is coming back soon and his queue should be empty.
>> No. 109420
dammit forgot to sage that last post. P.S. is something up with ponychan because I can't upload pics with my posts
>> No. 109425

Too much stress on our servers lately. Thumbnail generation isn't working properly.

It should stop screwing up... sooner or later. I'm not sure when myself.
>> No. 109427
danke my friend. (Don't worry about thread spam. Hugbox wants the thread to go so he and I can start one. Minjask also seems eager to go back to ttg to help with the queue overflow.)
>> No. 109435
File 134129024547.png - (107.01KB , 800x551 , 1336713377089.png )
I would be more than happy to help... If I weren't so backed up. But I don't have a monkey on my back for the next two weeks, so If you're still searching in a day or two there's a chance I'll have things running by then. In the meantime, it pains me to have to turn down a request for help.
>> No. 109443
File 134129377877.jpg - (6.94KB , 204x204 , 5t746767.jpg )
I just gotta say, Excellent hook! The first thing I read was SMALL TOWN DESTROYED IN LARGE SCALE MASSACRE. Now this I gotta read. That’s a good start, let’s see if you can keep it up.

Your storyline is great, there’s no plot holes or anything that I would normally look for that’s out of place, but there’s a lot of awkward phrasing in this. I pointed out some specific examples on the Doc, but you’ll need to see a more skilled pony to help you actually find and fix the rest of them, sorry if that doesn’t help much.

The characterizations are pretty good. your real focus was placed more on Spark/War in this, but still it’s not bad.

This is more sad than dark though, I recommend adding that tag.

This feels unfinished. I'm not what your intentions are but I'm eager to see the rest of this.
>> No. 109475
File 134133440128.jpg - (7.15KB , 225x225 , twilight claps.jpg )
Noted. Thanks for adding that.
>> No. 109479
File 134133600359.png - (153.74KB , 517x357 , gravity scoots.png )
I can see why EQD would have rejected this. The premise is a good one but your formatting and syntax both need a lot of work, and sadly I’m not the right pony to ask about that.

And halfway through it turns into a Doctor Who episode. What?

>”Doctor what?”
>”Almost right”
I see what you did there lol. Technically though, he’s just, The Doctor; he doesn’t go by Doctor Who.

I really think you’re going to need Somepony else to look at this. Had I known there was so much Doctor Who in here, I would have turned it down, because I only saw one or two episodes. There’s a lot of weird stuff in here that, I can’t tell if it’s a mistake or something canon from a different show. I’ve done what I can, but I need to drop this at this point.
>> No. 109483
File 134133797484.jpg - (121.88KB , 958x834 , 134051072327.jpg )
Title: Scribes Are Weird.

Tags: Slice of Life, Adventure.

Word count: 5842

Synopsis: Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, though he has doubts about his own skills. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to transcribe the events involving the Elements of Harmony, Ghost sees it as a chance for a fresh start. But when Ghost arrives, he has no idea what exploits the Elements of Harmony are always up to.

Chapter 1 link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

So, yeah the idea is not that original but, i gave it a shot. Both of you have helped me on various aspects of this already. So, if your willing, I could use a little more help. I don't have anything i think is wrong with it per-say, but input is appreciated. (Also, I do realize I'm tap dancing a mine field, or as I like to call it, crossing a volcano with a tightrope made of dental floss. Let it never be said i can be dissuaded form bad ideas!)

Any way, if your open to it.


P.S. I'm gonna need that hat back when your done.
>> No. 109484
File 134133814110.jpg - (10.30KB , 300x168 , 133971885777.jpg )
>Let it never be said i can be dissuaded form bad ideas!

Including posting that. Well... this is off to a flying start...
>> No. 109487
File 134133894692.jpg - (6.92KB , 225x225 , boredscootaloo.jpg )
Well, I may as well take this. I'd like to reopen the queue, but I haven't heard from Hugbox yet so I can't make anything official. You've caught me in the right mood though so I'll give this a look-over right now. I can't believe I'm on here when the sun is up, but I stopped questioning these things when I became a brony, so here we go.
>> No. 109488
File 134133895866.gif - (1.18MB , 512x360 , mlfw1832-PinkieGonnaHate_CS.gif )
I hope my synopsis review has been enough for you so far, because we're still closed. Sorry about that!
>> No. 109489
File 134133920085.gif - (165.58KB , 236x166 , Fluttershy-OhMy.gif )
I got Ninja'd
>> No. 109490
File 134133928590.jpg - (6.42KB , 224x224 , shrugponyscoots.jpg )
sorry. I'm bored.
>> No. 109491
Your synopsis review was excellent and I do thank you for that. (Did I accidentally say or hint that i didn't think it was enough?) I apologize for posting it while you were still closed. A wire got crossed in my brain, so I accidentally assumed you were open. my bad.

Thank you. even just a quick look will probably help.
>> No. 109492
Forgot to enable comments. fixed now.
>> No. 109516
Story: Tales of a Dreamer
Tags: Adventure, Normal
Synopsis: It's summer vacation, and Dinky Doo just finished the last fantasy novel in the house. Bored out of her wits, she starts acting out her own fantasy story. The other kids in the neighborhood gradually join in, however things quickly get out of hoof.
Words: 4333

Comments: We're on our last chance to get on EQD. We know we need to work on Show vs. Tell and Mechanical issues.

Thanks for your consideration!
>> No. 109517
File 134134653581.jpg - (24.71KB , 480x320 , 134128737670.jpg )

I came up with the name Ghostwriter before i came to ponychan, but I guess that's not the best excuse.

I'll try to work on the repetition a bit.

As far as self insert goes, ehh, only slightly. i tend to throw an aspect of my own personality into a main character. I just find it makes them easier to write that way. For Ghost, it was my insecurity as a writer.

For Flare, i was trying to give Ghost a sort of little brother companion. (Flare refers to himself as Ghost's assistant but he's really not)

I do have to ask what you mean by 'method of portrayal'

Any way, thanks for the review. Bye!
>> No. 109520
File 134134681796.jpg - (5.87KB , 269x187 , scootaletter.jpg )
My first ever daytime review.

Most of the reviewing was done on the Doc – which was enjoyable by the way, I should really do live reviews more often – but here’s my thoughts on your story.

Well right from that title, and that your username matches the name of the main character, I can assume this is going to be a self-insert. Not a good way to write a tory sorry to have to tell you.
Sethisto said it himself at Bronycon two days ago. “Don’t model your OC after yourself. You tend to make good things happen to yourself, and that makes for a really boring story.”
Although, after reading, you do a bang up job of not making him a mary sue. Props for that.

> “Reading and writing in moonlight is my favorite activity,” He said turning to stare at the dawn through this window. “So much calmer than during the day.”
Dude, I know exactly what you mean. I am the same way.

I like the comedy you’ve thrown in. It adds a bit depth to the character.

I've heard that term somewhere before. ... Oh, it's just Japanese for fox. That makes sense then; I used to watch a lot of Naruto English subbed. I like where you're going with this creature, keep it up.

I don’t quite agree with your method of portraying thought, but every author is different in this, so I’ll just leave you to your own devices in that regard.

I’m actually beginning to wonder what Pinkie Pie’s reaction to that name is going to be.

I’ve noticed you have a tendency to repeat words several times within a paragraph. This can really jump out at the reader if you’re not careful, and make a good sentence sound awkward. I would recommend you read some books by some well-known authors to expand your vocabulary, and then return to this.
Sorry for the ninja jump. I derped and posted with an alternate username, so naturally I had to repost.
>> No. 109523
File 134134727538.png - (65.48KB , 180x262 , spoiler.png )
Oh buck, I can't turn down a cry for help when there's something I can do about it. Sorry Hugbox, but I'm reopening the queue. Send me an email if you have any objections
Spoiler because Ponychan is derping right now
>> No. 109524
By "method of portrayal" I mean the way you show thoughts as opposed to dialouge. You're putting thoughts in quotations, as if they're being said out loud. My personal preference is to use italics for clarification, but every author is different.
>> No. 109525
File 134134796499.png - (264.26KB , 467x479 , 132619971255.png )
Well if you’re trying to get onto EQD then neither of us is really the best pony to ask, but I’ll see what I can do.
Wait, you really want me to review a public story? Won’t that look weird?
I can't comment either... were you hoping I would do a simple line by line review? I do do those.
>> No. 109526
File 134134816894.png - (247.96KB , 945x945 , Hmmm.png )
I've gotten a couple of people onto EqD, but I can't actually remember which stories they were. Probably because I don't actually visit EqD, I just hear things. I should probably start tracking that. You have as much skill as me with reviewing, so I think we're fine.
>> No. 109528
File 134134852774.png - (180.00KB , 413x514 , spoiler.png )
I've also seen a few stories to EQD, but I doubt it was purely because of me.
In any case, I'm going to put this review off until tonight. My brain works better then anyway.
>> No. 109529
File 134134860671.jpg - (4.44KB , 211x239 , scootaloo facehoof.jpg )
forgot the sage. sorry
>> No. 109536
Requesting review from Professor Hugbox, since he offered in the synopsis thread.

Title: Bronygeddon

Tags: Adventure, HiE

Synopsis: All around the world, bronies are gaining some of the powers of the ponies they love. But those who aren't bronies are becoming awfully jealous. The only option is escape into Equestria itself.

Word Count: 27270 (By GDocs's word count). Approximately one-third done.

Link: http://derpy.me/g7kh8

Thank you in advance for taking a look at this. I know it's a bit longer than most, but however much of it you can look at, I'll be appreciative. If nothing else, tell me where you want to stop reading and I'll try to make that part better.
>> No. 109537

Yeah, I was wondering if there was a right way to do that.
>> No. 109541

The version your seeing is an "Unreleased" version of our story. The comments should be unlocked now. Any help is welcome at this point.
>> No. 109580
File 134136363418.png - (72.95KB , 548x442 , ___ losing consciousness in 3___ 2___.png )
So it's been five months or so since I touched this fic.

Fuck it, I need help. I really need help. My reviewers... vimbert, Hades/Roger (actually he's not gone, but he already reviewed it)... ahk, I even forgot his name, that reviewer with a gray OC, that reviewer with a black OC with gray hair, they're all gone. I need help. Save me. And my fic while you're at it.

If you want a Google Docs version, I can deliver, but making consistency between Fimfiction and Google Docs is hell.

Title: Hell's Angels

Tags: Grimdark, Adventure, minor shipping.

Summary: After an inexplicable explosion ripped apart the Everfree Forest, the sun that blessed Equestria and its neighboring kingdoms and city-states has evaporated, and Celestia was gone with it. Few remain upon the Earth to ponder if it was mere coincidence, or what was the royal army doing so close to the forest. A unicorn, a griffin, and several uncanny companions begin an epic journey to ask, answer, and cheat the question through will, loyalty, and pure luck: What happened to Equestria?

Wordcount: 7,893 words. First chapter. Second is... alright. Third is a trainwreck. Fourth is awesome, but to get to the train station you can't actually have your train, you know.. wreck. Requesting review of the first chapter only, focus on that one, and then we'll get down to the next ones. Besides, fairly sure formatting is inane on the second chapter. Fixed linebreaks and a few other stuff in the first chapter, but it should be alright.

>> No. 109582
File 134136398058.png - (83.93KB , 900x765 , 132337041748.png )
Just a sidenote: Story already approved by EqD, yadda yadda, I just need someone to save me.
>> No. 109624
>with the gray OC
>> No. 109636
File 134139846551.jpg - (46.74KB , 600x366 , 130370566910.jpg )
Yes, Vanner! And you too, but you already reviewed that and the two subsequent chapters.

Also, it was 4:00 AM on the clock when I posted that, I hadn't gone through the OP fully, my apologies. I see you only accept Google Docs, so I made a GDocs version for you. https://docs.google.com/a/millenniumwow.com/document/d/1S7erJ49VP5CxgrpMit6aPM2aIZ8qh-4sSydrjdpZZXo/edit
>> No. 109640
Title: See above.

Genre: Adventure, Crossover, Comedy

Synopsis: A new filly in Ponyville in search of adventure and mad loot plays a game with her friends.

Words: 5,467

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nohEtfVcnalxkXt5HZ7TMqf1MCMJ4w6uhQLqD6_niSs/edit

Comments: This is the second review thread I've posted this in. I'm mostly shipping my idea around and seeing if people like it. It's been done before but I feel like I can bring something fresh to this particular crossover.
Criticism is very welcome. Don't hold back.
Lastly, enjoy my little story!
>> No. 109645
File 134141568372.gif - (350.64KB , 500x375 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-you-got-it-derpy.gif )
>Opens queue back up again
>Gets a million stories

Damnit Minjask.

I'm slow as hell, but I'll claim this due to request
I only do Google documents. If you don't want to put your story into a doc then you will be expecting Minjask to look at your story.
I personally will not a claim a story when you have another request pending. Minjask may though. I'm pretty strict with what I'll review as Minjask is pretty lenient. He's also a lot faster than me, considering I barely do anything at all.
>> No. 109647
File 134141711514.png - (197.47KB , 395x390 , hat thief.png )
Oh I've met Minjask on numerous occasions! I wouldn't mind if he reviewed it at all, although I have offered a GDocs (I read the chapter, but I may have missed formatting issues) here >>109636
>> No. 109648
Missed that post, apologies. Well, I still have other stories to get through so I'll leave it up to Minjask if he wants it.
>> No. 109660
File 134142233631.jpg - (3.06KB , 112x120 , scootaloo oh you.jpg )
Oh it's not a million, just four by my count. and don't worry, if it gets high again, somewhere around seven sounds good, I'll close it.
My apologies on this. Some friends of mine showed up and thought it would be a good idea to start a brand new D&D Campaign with brand new characters at 9pm. I only just woke up a minute ago.
>> No. 109667
I've only done 2 reviews in the past million years. 4 is like a million stories to me.
>> No. 109669
File 134142603466.png - (134.29KB , 958x833 , 133989007148.png )
Wait, you've really only done 2?!
*checks entire thread... Oh... Um, well I guess most of them will fall on me then, which I'm totally cool with.
Judging by that little fact, are you sure you want to start another thread with Khakispony? Not doubting you just cautioning. I wanna make sure you don't set yourself up to fail. I'm sure you've noticed how big a responsibility this thread is. If you're up for it then by all means go for it, but just make sure you're up for it man.
>> No. 109674
File 134142869632.jpg - (45.61KB , 485x512 , noonecanstopme.jpg )
>the Moonflower series
I have a sudden and strange urge to fruitlessly search for that book series.

>Dungeons and Demons? What’s that?
>It’s a roleplaying game
Oh no, I think I see where this is going.

>a huge cube of ice slid to the floor, with Twilight encased within it.
>“Spike, get a chisel,” she ordered nonchalantly.
How can she talk if she’s encased in ice?

>She was Dinky -- some might think of her as a mere unicorn filly, but no! She was an apprentice mage, student and daughter of the mysterious seer, Ditzy Doo!
Took me a minute to pick up on what you were doing here, but nice job, I like it.

>it had only been an illusion! She’d cast a Flare spell for nothing!
Yup, I can see exactly where this is going.

I love that random Pinkie party; that is so her.

>“I have that stuff stashed all over Ponyville, in case of a warrior emergency,”
That joke is getting a little old in my opinion, but I can’t complain really, it’s classic Pinkie.

>A giant wall of text filled the page she was on.
It feels like something’s missing here.
>“Geeze Munchkin you nearly killed me there.”
This part confused me. I’ve reread it six times and I can’t figure out what’s going on here.

>Mentest… Ammemutet umm Amenithest… shut up
Oh my goodness, she’s do adorable. Nicely done.

Wow, Dinky got some bad rolls there: A mage lvl 2 and she’s only got 15 for intelligence. What a strange coincidence that I just created a new D&D character last night.

I couldn’t find a whole lot wrong with this; it’s clearly been touched up a lot. The few points I did find have been commented on the Doc, but their so few and far between that I listed them here as well.
>> No. 109678
* We expect if our story get big enough somepony in the random will make it. They already made most of Daring Do

*Edited so the ice is up to her neck

*We're using a home-brew system, entirely unrelated to D&D

*We recycled most of her lines. Most of us find her surprisingly hard to write.

*edited to clear up what Sparkler was saying. (choking on bread because Dinky surprised her.)

We're glad you like the chapter, and were glad you couldn't find much. Our strategy is to find as many different editors as possible until they cant find anything wrong. Then have our two resident assholes review it. If they give it the go ahead. then we should be good.

Thank you for your time.

~Everyone at The Dinky Society.
>> No. 109685
File 134143688622.png - (350.38KB , 1366x768 , dafuqdidijustread.png )
Hey um, I was skimming back through my personal seed queue on my PC, and I noticed I have these three stories still marked as open:
Friendship’s Touch – RS
The End – Shalrath
Zodiac Ritual – CyborgSamurai
I Remember posting a review for all of them but I don’t remember how far they went. If the three authors could drop me a note either here or via email[email protected] reminding me what the status is with those, that would be great.
>> No. 109687
File 134144200788.png - (235.61KB , 710x469 , 132619874222.png )
I don’t mind Fimfiction as much, because I can turn the background to black, which makes it easier on my eyes. Hugbox and several other reviewers around here – as I’m sure you’ve noticed – only accept Google Docs because it makes pointing out mistakes way easier.

Anyway, here’s your review.

I... Wow. You said you've sent this through several people and it clearly shows. The last two hours are among the best reading I've done for most of my fanfiction life.

> Generosity, Laughter and Kindness are of lesser threat; Loyalty, Magic and Honesty are your targets.”
Funny how that works ain’t it? They just seem like the take charge type.

> the wolves of Mount Blackfang
Very interesting. I haven’t seen or heard of wolves in the show, other than the timber-wolves. This should prove interesting.

> Prince Theranius XIV
> son of the deceased King–Emperor Albertus VI
Why do they have different names if they’ve been keeping a name within their lineage?

Okay, back up a minute. Aren't they in a bar? That's what I gathered anyway, and Isn't Theranius supposed to head to the back room or something? Why is he making a public announcement about somepony(or griffon in this case) owing money? I certainly hope he's not speaking for griffons as a whole.

Nice hint about Twilight. I like it.

Wait a second, unicorns are exctinct?! WHAT?!
Okay calming down, it can make a good storyline. Let’s just see where this goes.

My name, dear, is Rarity
What? But, lavender hoof, unicorn. WHAT?!

Excellent job, but that ending wasn't consistent with your description earlier.
>> No. 109688
File 134144268206.png - (254.36KB , 1280x720 , Applejack_confused_S01E04.png )
What in tarnation? I just noticed my story got dropped. Just curious if this is because Khakispony did his review or due to personal reasons? And also how this fits with the response I've gotten.
>> No. 109691
File 134144467456.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
Yes. As I stated in the post here>>109479 I can't actually help with your story. I didn't reject it from the queue, it's simply dropped. Hugbox can still pick it up if he wants to but he's kinda busy.
>> No. 109692
File 134144559851.png - (265.62KB , 744x680 , squee WWU.png )
Thanks for the review, Minjask! To clarify, there were 13 other Prince Theraniuses, and there were 5 other Albertuses. The sons do not necessarily have the same names as their fathers, but it basically points out if there were, in the entire lineage, others by the same name. This is the same lineage that founded the Griffin Empire quite a while ago (I'd love to give you a number but I need to make sure it'll make sense, but I'll go something around hundreds of years back.)

Yes. This is meant to be a "blow-your-mind" kind of fic, with endless twists and turns that catch you by surprise and make you lust for reasoning due to what may, at first, seem like inconsistency or absolute astonishing turns of events. They're in a bar named the Roseluck, and as detailed before, the Empire doesn't exist anymore, and it was incinerated, the government disbanding. It is explained later, but I don't want to clarify, because it may cloud your judgement of understanding later on. I want to see if you can figure it out by what I've already written.

Don't worry about that.

Indeed. Astonishing, almost impossible to explain.


Thank you, I fixed all the mistakes you pointed out, and I do have to say that the "Grelok began" was pretty hilarious. I edited that one just yesterday, because, well, I just didn't like the wording. I accidentally said "Grelok" instead of "Halfgrin" though, hehe!

Here's Chapter 2. Just finished formatting & co.


The issues in Chapter I are not clarified in Chapter II, but I believe they are clarified in Chapter III. Sorry, haven't read this thing for half a year, side to checking out for any errors while reformatting.

Thanks a lot for your time, and for reviewing Chapter I! I didn't really expect a detailed review or a lot of errors, simply because of how many times I went through it. You'll have plenty to go through in Chapter III, I'm sure. That's where I need your help in a plot twist, because I twisted myself into a rather bad spot!
>> No. 109695
File 134144701559.png - (22.60KB , 114x124 , scootasalute.png )
Okie dokie lokie. I can't place it at the top of the queue due to fairness, but I'll add and claim it, and am looking forward to it
>> No. 109697
File 134144729091.png - (45.57KB , 250x268 , is happy to please her fans.png )
Haha, of course! I eagerly await your review.
>> No. 109700
File 134144980944.png - (118.29KB , 368x430 , dodge.png )
Sorry, just caught your message! 4925.
>> No. 109721
File 134146365512.jpg - (94.90KB , 960x540 , 382426_253706704740044_263542314_n.jpg )
Well I’ve been procrastinating for long enough. I had planned to get this done earlier today, right after a quick break when I posted the last review. But it’s the 4th of July(or at least it was when I wrote this) and stuff happened. Anyway, here’s your review.

>It was the first night in over a thousand years that she was unable to rest.
And there it is right there. You can’t seriously expect me to believe that after everything that’s happened in the last 1000 years, a parasprite swarm is the first thing that caused her to lose sleep. I’m not even 100 words in and it’s not looking good.

Well, a second person gaming fic isn’t for everyone, but you got a few laughs from this pony. I could actually see this becoming a game, although putting that much personality into the game would be difficult, unless there was preset options of course. Reminds me of DragonFable actually.

>you are not about to cement your reputation as the next Derpy Hooves.
Tread carefully with that one.

>Aura is becoming rather vexed by your ludicrous commands.
You are Aura, it says so in the beginning.

>You notice her pink hair and mane are shaped like soft-serve ice cream.
I always thought it looked like cotton candy, but whatever. Everypony’s entitled to their own opinion.

My goodness, you’ve got a few misused words in there. You aren’t native English are you?

>Its stony gaze wears off
See that’s just the thing, it doesn’t. Fluttershy had to command the Cockatrice to return Twilight and the chicken to normal, it didn’t just happen on its own. If Fluttershy and the CMCs hadn’t come along, Twilight would have been stuck there for quite a while.

>Sorry, but you can’t form a game-crucial relationship with a minor NPC.
I’m with you on that one.

Not bad. I’ve never seen this concept before, but then again I don’t read much fan fiction unless it comes through here. This concludes my review for tonight.
>> No. 109790
File 134150734435.png - (106.78KB , 642x356 , 130311403885.png )
Thanks for the review, Minjask. I really appreciate it. I did want to clear some things up, though.

When Celestia says on page 1 that she's "worried how we'll do during parasprite season," I was having her lie to Luna. I was actually implying that she's much more worried about the presence of this new pony in Ponyville. I think it's a neat scene but I could try and clarify this a little more if necessary.

My story isn't quite a script for a game, but more like a story that reads like a game. My story draws heavily from Homestuck and MS Paint Adventures.

>Aura is becoming rather vexed by your ludicrous commands.
I'll probably change this. I can't think of any point in the MSPA's that the narration switches from second to third person.

>My goodness, you’ve got a few misused words in there. You aren’t native English are you?
I am, but I still fumble with verb tense here and there.

>See that’s just the thing, it doesn’t. Fluttershy had to command the Cockatrice to return Twilight and the chicken to normal, it didn’t just happen on its own.
I wasn't really worried about being 100% show accurate. I try to stick to the show for the most part, and take some liberties when necessary.

>I’m with you on that one.
Aw, it wasn't that bad was it?

I'd like my story to be about 70 to 80% show accurate, like getting every pony's name and behavior right, while taking some liberties with the rest of the show so it fits better with my story. I'll comb through what I have a few times before maybe getting it reviewed again.

I mostly just want people to read it and enjoy it, but the humor might be lost on those not familiar with MSPA. Still, I hope to get this published on EqD once I have a few chapters completed. Thanks again for the review and the tips, you've been very helpful!
>> No. 109791
File 134150739641.jpg - (6.03KB , 244x155 , images.jpg )
Let's begin, shall we?

First off
But don't worry, that's in a good way. It was pretty funny so far, but that doesn't get you off the hook, however.

Your characterization of the RED team is pretty spot on, especially Merasmus. There's point in there that you tried to justify, but it just wasn't there, like the Soldier's polite attitude.

Your narration is the biggest problem I had. It's not apparent who the narrator is, and he's just too personal with the characters. He's an inworld narrator, but I would HIGHLY suggest changing this if the narrator's identity doesn't become apparent in the next chapter. Even then, the justification for WHY he's telling the story would have to be spot on. For the narration you have to make sense, you might want to make the first scene something between your narrator and another character, like how The Medic tells about his times without the Medi-Gun in the Meet the Medic outtakes. Sort of like this:
There's probably better examples, but in the spirit of TF2...
Still, if it's an inworld narrator, you still make him too personal with the world. You also have him just explain the obvious, or you just use him to justify things to make your narration EASIER, like how you have him translate the Pyro's speech. It's laziness, honestly. We should be able to get a general idea of what he's saying by body language or if further clarification is needed the CHARACTERS act on it.

That leads me to another point. You lack a lot of body language. You have a lot of dialogue tags that describe their tone of voice, but nothing else with their body. Body language is important to help give the mood of the scene without your overly personal narrator just telling us about it.

One last thing: You put too many game physics into it, like the characters grabbing items out of nowhere. The device that holds all of these items are just a crap shoot justification for it. Also, the hats, stop with the hats. The Pyro can have them, because you're portraying him as a silly character, but not the others, for gods sake, or else we get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDI2EmYH98I
You just can't take that seriously.

Other than these points and other points I already made in the document it's looking pretty swell.
>> No. 109793
File 134150766190.jpg - (27.72KB , 320x271 , 380664_346592988722272_339685176079720_833887_2015314431_n.jpg )
>I try to stick to the show for the most part, and take some liberties when necessary.
Welp, it's your story, I can't stop you there.

>Aw, it wasn't that bad was it?
No it wasn't bad, I was just agreeing with the main character. I would want to make friends with everypony too.

>the humor might be lost on those not familiar with MSPA
Some of it might be, but I've never played MSPA and I laughed at most of those. still touch ups can't hurt.
>> No. 109794
File 134150791739.png - (211.81KB , 769x1039 , 132620327186.png )
Alright, your first and biggest problem is consistent tenses. I’m going to be very patient with this because I understand you’re not native English speaking.
>She had to see what is going to happen.
Here is an example. “Had”, is a past tense verb. “Is” is present tense, but when used in conjunction with “going to” becomes future tense. You need to keep those tenses consistent, even within the same paragraph, and preferably within the whole story. The only exception is in Dialogue, you still need to keep tenses consistent within the same speaking line, but the tenses can change depending on the situation. When I’m through with this I highly recommend a skilled proofreader to help you smooth out what I’m inevitably going to miss.

>The lavender unicorn brought her hooves together in a thoughtful gesture
This is really confusing me. Rarity is a very pale grey, not lavender. I’m guessing it has something to do with Rarity seeing everything from behind Twilight’s eyes. You know what, I think I’ve got this about figured out. I just need one more clue as to how it happened though, I like this.

>the rock collided square in his chest, silencing him.
The wording leads the reader to believe that he has been knocked out. Perhaps you could reword this so that he is just startled, or shocked. You might even add “OOF!” for effect.

Ooh and a very good hook on that ending, I can’t wait to read more.
The title gives a nice hint. Are these horses simply resurrected dead ponies, that have been altered?
>> No. 109828
File 134152075010.png - (41.74KB , 237x165 , front heavy and inverted.png )
>first line is about tenses
Oh what'dyou know, another reviewer points this out! By this point I'm not even surprised anymore, it's just really hard for me to edit tenses and the structure of already-written stories. It's simply easier for me to rewrite the entire thing, but that's a scary prospect.

And yes, I thought of pointing out that the air was knocked out of him. I'll figure something out!

I have an inquiry though, perhaps you could correct me. I used the term "somebody" when Rarity was talking to Theranius because Theranius was a griffin. In Over a Barrel, Twilight exclaims, "Why won't anybody be rational or reasonable?!"

This made me believe that it's not a general cultural term, but rather specifically speaking to ponies, because she was also referring to the Buffalo, who were not ponies. So I figured I should put "somebody" instead of "somepony", considering Theranius was not a pony. You think that's alright?

I think the phrase, "A good magician never reveals his secrets," could apply here, if you switch around a couple of variables.

Anyway! Not saging because it's also a review request. Here we go, Chapter III. The real mess.

Okay, so because I lost the last version of this fic, I had to go all the way back to the review I was given for it, and patch it up. I still think this chapter's a disgrace in light of the chapter's I can normally dish out, but again, my writing capabilities have greatly improved. The issue being that I can't fix what's already broken, I can only patch it up. The only way to do so is to replace it - for example, most of Chapter I is actually a rewrite, which is why it turned out so well. Chapter II and Chapter III are, in no way, shape or form, a rewrite, and Chapter IV is a bit more modern. Chapter V, however, is what I'm looking forward to writing. Chapter IV never saw a reviewer, by the way. Anyway, enough blabbering, here you go. Wordcount is 5,240, and not saging because this is both a notification that I got your review and a submission.

>> No. 109830
File 134152262781.png - (663.21KB , 900x700 , 132338825226.png )
>chapter's I can normally dish out, but again, my writing capabilities have greatly improved.
>my writing capabilities have greatly improved
>> No. 109842
Hey Minjask! I had you help me out with a few elements from my first chapter and it helped improve the story quality quite a bit! I was wondering if you would be able to review chapter 2 for me? If the queue is open, that is.


I took your advice about bringing Spike into the story, as you will see, and I did try to make sure Twilight was a little bit more in character, or at least not as iffy. Let me know if you think there is anything that needs improvement, and again, thanks for your help in improving the story to what it is so far!
>> No. 109863
File 134153409719.png - (160.31KB , 761x700 , 1336710392317.png )
I'll do some research on the "somebody" and bring it up in the Equine Vernacular thread.

That was a test, and you passed. Nicely done.

Added to the queue

Added to the queue, can't wait to read.
>> No. 109869
File 134153538381.jpg - (9.98KB , 239x211 , internet in a nutshell.jpg )
I'm sorry but I'm going to have to report a name steal. Hugbox doesn't review. Just kidding. Let's hope this is you getting out of your rut. I expect that by the time we start our own thread
>> No. 109880
File 134153879134.png - (138.86KB , 433x471 , cou.png )
Title: My Little Coward
Tags: [Crossover] [Comedy] [SliceOfLife] [Random]
Word Count: 4,741

Synopsis: What happens when you mix Courage The Cowardly Dog with My Little Pony? Complete madness of course! Courage is an odd pony who seems to attract all of the weirdest things from all across Equestria. Time and again he seems to drag his friends and family into the strangest adventures. From freaky barbers to giant spiders, he just can't catch a break.

GoogleDocs Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Kncx5IcI6jby8GA_KRCUt2ashqWJCbzazN_QgDejpFc/edit
FiMFiction Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7102/My-Little-Coward-

What I'm looking for:
I mostly just need help finding typos or missing words. I have a habit of missing small errors when I proofread and often don't notice them.

If there's anything else wrong with the fic feel free to point it out to me. I've been told I should try and shoot for EqD with this fic but I'm honestly not so sure.
>> No. 109882
File 134153967501.gif - (793.12KB , 800x450 , Um87K.gif )
>I mostly just need help finding typos or missing words. I have a habit of missing small errors when I proofread and often don't notice them.

We are reviewers, not editors. A friend of yours can do this. That is not what we're here for. If that's the bulk of what you need I suggest you ask a friend of yours on FimFiction or something. I don't mean to push you away, but really that's not what we're here for.

I'd suggest taking that synopsis down to the Synopsis review thread, however, as it seems a bit sketchy. Plus that title, oh god that title. 'My Little' is the most used prefix in a title.
>> No. 109884
File 134153981259.jpg - (20.27KB , 402x369 , 134022571707.jpg )
Hey Minjask!

So I got the second chapter of Scribes are Weird done. This chapter has 32.55555555552% more Pinkie Pie. (That's an actual math fact.) I'm gonna wait till I've gotten my last two reviews on chapter one before I get two reviewed, but just wondering if you had any interest in reading it?

>> No. 109889
Then review it, of course if you don't know what this is a crossover of then it's probably not worth bothering. I just meant typos were the biggest possible thing I wanted pointed out. Also the title isn't changing because it's meant to be ironic if anything.

Blah, I was so nervous about posting this to /fic/ thinking I'd get hostility and that's exactly what happened. If I'm being problematic I apologize ahead of time.
>> No. 109890
File 134154141990.png - (200.20KB , 637x339 , Mickey2.png )
No one here tries to be hostile. The entire reason anyone has a thread here is to help authors. It's just what I was getting at is what we actually do here. If you want a review we will provide it for you, but it takes a while to get to everyone here.

>Ironic title
>> No. 109891

Whoopsie! I was in a bit of a rush and forgot the important stuff

tags: Normal/Slice-of-Life

Synopsis: Aura Battle is the new game exploding in popularity all over Equestria. Unicorns battle with magical AuraDolls in an attempt to earn the crown of Aura Battle Grand Champion. Twilight Sparkle, who is returning to Canterlot to help the princesses with a special project, discovers the game and instantly becomes hooked. Does Twilight have what it takes to become the Grand Champion? Or will the secrets behind the game trip her up along the way?

Word Count: 4,746 for chapter 2
>> No. 109894
Because it's a fairly silly crossover with Courage The Cowardly and thus a somewhat ironic and silly name of My Little Coward. There isn't really much else I'd call it.
>> No. 109895
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A silly crossover does not constitute an unoriginal title. You literally just put 'Courage the Cowardly Dog' and 'My Little Pony' together. There's nothing ironic about it. It's silly, but in a bad way. In a 'look at how unoriginal this title is' way. Honestly, these are excuses for not changing the title. I guarantee nothing in your story will justify the title for me. There are an abundance of more creative and enticing titles I am sure you can come up with.
>> No. 109901
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Meh, If you don't like it that's perfectly fine with me but I don't plan on changing it. I personally like it, lack of originality and all. Plus I don't feel its that big of an issue. I guess we can just agree to disagree.

We certainly are off to a good start don't you think? I can't wait to see how much you rip the actual fic to shreds. :D
>> No. 109902
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Okay calm down you two.

Courage, if it's a crossover, the reviewer is then required to be very familiar with both shows entailed. I would love to take this on, because Courage was one of the best shows on Cartoon Network back in the day, and I love the premise, but I just can't remember enough of that show to be confident reviewing this. If I find the time I might give it a look over, but I can't in good conscience add it to the queue.

To my colleague, cliche though the name may be, the unique premise justifies it, and if the material within is of great enough caliber, I see no reason why it should be redone. The point of a title is to give a name to the story, so that it can be called upon. If the author chooses not to be poetic, that's their decision.

Color me condescending but I like what I just said.
>> No. 109903
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>the unique premise justifies it
Premise: Courage the Cowardly Dog and My Little Pony together.

The author has a chance to make this interesting, no doubt, I am not judging the actual skills of the author's writing. What I'm saying is that you're right, it IS something to call on, but when you say 'I just read a story called 'My Little Courage' people are going to think of the story unoriginal already. Coincidentally, I saw this story when it was posted on FimFiction of the front page, and looking at the title I decided to pass it by because of the generic feel of it.

the reviewer is then required to be very familiar with both shows entailed

On the contrary, if you're posing the idea of a crossover to the MY LITTLE PONY fandom, then you should introduce your other story in a way that any reader can follow along, even if others actually know the content and are able to further relate to the context.

>lack of originality and all
Implying this is a good thing, no matter how 'ironic' you're trying to come off.

I know the content of the crossover very well, as I still watch it on occasion. Return the slab, yade yada.
>> No. 109905
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Well if you want to take it then, it's all yours. I've got Zamoonda's story to look at anyway
>> No. 109906
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I'm going to let it sit for a bit, because I still have this TF2 crossover to do and a few other mini reviews here and there.
>> No. 109907
That was something I was worried about when posting it on here. I didn't want to give the fic over to a reviewer who doesn't know anything about the crossover.

I'm here to have fun as a writer first and foremost but I also felt it would be good to have my story evaluated as well. I don't really care about being the greatest author ever but it's still good to try and improve.
>> No. 109908
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The trick, like I said before, is to present the cross over content in a way that people unfamiliar with it and get what's going on. With the MLP stuff you can assume people know what you're talking about. If you posted this as a CtCD fanfic on fanfiction or something it would need to be the other way around. It's about your target audience.
>> No. 109915
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That's the thing though. This isn't a OMG COURAGE HAS FALLEN INTO EQUESTRIA thing or a OMG TWILIGHT HAS FALLEN INTO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE thing either. It's a merger of both the worlds. You could read it without knowing anything about Courage and for the most part understand the story but you wouldn't be able to really appreciate what's going on. I can't just stop the narrative in the story to tell the My Little Pony side of the fans that OMG THIS IS FRED FROM COURAGE AND YOU SHOULD FEAR HIS CREEPINESS. If you approached it as a non Courage fan it would just be one weird ass story but still understandable but again, really freaking weird.
>> No. 109917
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Well, it seems that you did a pretty good job then, just from that implication. But I digress, we'll just have to see when one of us gets to it.
>> No. 110056
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>> No. 110085
Thanks for the help, Hugbox! I'm glad it works as a comedy. That's quite the relief. Allow me to do a few rebuttals while I've got the chance.

The narrator's identity was supposed to be the big twist at the end of the story. But if you don't think it works, I can just reveal it right away. I don't think the story'd change that much in the long run. You can still guess who the narrator is if you want, though. Here's a hint: http://youtu.be/EeXCCk1Mahc (And yes, his intimate knowledge of the TF2-verse will be explained later.)
Game physics were kind of a plot point. It didn't come up in Chapter One, but the mercenaries are capable of using their "inventories" to carry items that aren't their weapons. That's how the Medic is able to keep everyone medicated, and that becomes VERY important later. I'm not sure I can write around that. (But yeah, the hats were too much.)
Body language is something I hadn't put all that much thought into. It just didn't occur to me, honestly. I'll give it a shot.
>> No. 110226
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Hey ponies, organic waste has just collided with a rotational air circulator, so I’ll probably be gone for a while after this, but I’ll pop in when I can.

Here’s your review Zamoonda, sort of.

Ah, finally, that rough, arrogant Griffin Pride rears its shiny head. I’ve been waiting for somepony to write about griffins.

And then Discord comes into play, this sounds fun.

That ending… dude. That's a real cliffhanger. See what I did there?

I have no more criticisms for this, other than a few syntax problems, but I can’t fix those.
I left a couple comments on the Doc.
>> No. 110287
Is the queue open yet?
>> No. 110316
File 134176578316.jpg - (8.54KB , 257x196 , 2p34108571.jpg )
It is indeed:>>109523
But I'll probably be doing most of them, because if I'm not mistaken, Hugbox is just a little backed up at the moment.
>> No. 110321
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Although, we're already at 377 posts, and I'm bailing once we hit 400. I'll stick around long enough to tie up any loose ends, but I want to head back to the training grounds, and I've grown tired of this username anyway. I've had it for years, and it has since outgrown it's use. You should get your story in if you want it reviewed.
>> No. 110339
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Alright, Minjask.

Well I'll give you the second chapter of Scribes are Weird. The first chapter is under construction. (Seattle went at it with a battle axe...)

But it can't hurt to have it checked out... Come to think of it, that's the same thing I said when I submitted the first chapter to Seattle...


Title: Scribes Are Weird.

Tags: Slice of Life, Adventure.

Word count: 6984

Synopsis: Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, though he has doubts about his own skills. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to transcribe the events involving the Elements of Harmony, Ghost sees it as a chance for a fresh start. But when Ghost arrives, he has no idea what exploits the Elements of Harmony are always up to.

Link to Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UpZW6xgNXngypna5JiPGgp1dHBzZPHKmUogPrGCPu_0/edit

As I said before, this chapter has 32.55555555552% more Pinkie Pie. Enjoy!
>> No. 110574
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: Review pls

Tags: Adventure.

As of yet, I have no real summary, but I shall make one up right now just for you.

Summary: Equestria has long since hidden in his shadow. With the princesses gone, a new immortal stepped in, and with him, the desire to extinguish ponykind. The prophecy spoke of a hero, one who will rise from the Equestria's ashes and end the turmoil.

Words: 3500 (approx)
>> No. 110634
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Hey its Hugbox here and stuff and totally not his good friend Khakispony jacking this thread due to an empty queue on my end and I'll be taking a look at your fic. Expect a review withing the next couple of hours.
>> No. 110643
Coincidentally Pyro is my most played class.
>> No. 110653
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*Clears throat. Howdy ya'll. Hugbox here with your review.

Grammar needs a little touching up on. extra spaces and the occasional missing word both need fixing. You had one piece of dialogue that I, Hugbox, felt was a little ooc so I left a suggestion on how to fix it. Your story is a bit confusing to follow at first but it gets cleared up after Twilight drinks the memory restorer thing. The premise feels very crossovery sorta like the third hunger games book with amnesia thrown in for good measure. Besides that I didn't find too much wrong. The excess descriptions feel a little purple prosey but I'm not an expert on that front so I'm not going to call that out. All in all you did okay. Now, everyone back to the thread pardner
>> No. 110659
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If you're still free can you take a look at my fic that's a few posts up?
>> No. 110692
File 134196418297.jpg - (3.91KB , 284x177 , seems legit.jpg )
I'll take a look.

>Posted before Ponychan starts breaking again
>> No. 110704
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Ok, well first, you've got comma issues and lots of them. You'll most likely need to find a dedicated editor who can point all that stuff out. The premise is... well to be honest I don't think it's a good one. I've already told you my qualms but in case it wasn't clear you'll either end up borrowing too much or not enough from the source material. Right now you tend to fall in the former category. At least change the characters names. The entire chapters expository dialogue which tends to make me feel like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ2j8yxu-rc . Try adding descriptors in relevant dialogue to the plot rather than setting aside full paragraphs on telling us the characters. If you don't your flow with still be pretty flat. I may seem negative but this comes from someone who made the same mistakes when he first started (proof: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8822/1/Ponyshock/Welcome-to-Eufillyia) so understand I'm just trying to help you avoid those same pitfalls. Until next time.

P.S. I, Hugbox, hereby proclaim Rarity is best pony. I've come to learn that Twilight is, in fact, inferior. Thank you for your patience.
>> No. 110708
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>P.S. I, Hugbox, hereby proclaim Rarity is best pony. I've come to learn that Twilight is, in fact, inferior. Thank you for your patience.
Yeah okay
>> No. 110712
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That's right, keep posting. Push the thread closer to 400 posts.
>> No. 110732
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I think it kinda subverts the point of being a crossover if I have to rename all the characters that aren't from My Little Pony. I donno, I'm just saying. *shrugs*

You want less Courage and more Pony but I feel that I've hit a nice balance. It doesn't have to be about the mane six to be a pony fic. Once again, it isn't much of a crossover if MLP has to take presidence over Courage.

And yeah I did have a bad feeling the first chapter would have too much infodumping going on. It's something I'll have to fix if I ever go back and redo the chapter. It should stop being an issue by chapter two at least.

Well, thanks for taking a look at it anyway. I didn't think anybody would ever get to it. LOL
>> No. 110772
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All fics have potential, just remember that and keep on trying. I haven't read your story, but I know that it can be improved to a level where reviewers won't have much to critique on it. The problem being is that we're not perfect writers, but as our writing abilities improve, so do the quality of your stories. You were probably joking, Mr. Zoidberg, but I still thought it a lesson that should be learned.
>> No. 110774
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Yeah I was just joking. I knew the story wasn't going to be the pinnacle of literature. If I did I wouldn't have posted it here in the first place.
>> No. 110831
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And since we're finally on the home stretch, I'm closing this queue for good. There's still a few reviews to be done, which I will get too as soon as I'm finished running around like a madpony.

Let's try not to muddy up what's left of this thread please, I wouldn't want to have to put a review on an autosaged thread.

And that's all I have to say about that. Hopefully I'll be able to move again in the next few days, but until then, I'm out.
>> No. 111418
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Well, we're on our way out, and I've decided to jump ship a bit early. I was going to finish it off with that TF2 crossover's 2nd chapter, but the first one exhibits most of the problems anyways.

I've decided to leave /Fic/ either forever or for an undetermined amount of time. This is NOT due to the recent moving and mod epidemic that happened recently.

I like to review, but I feel as though it warps my idea of what the show SHOULD be about. When you review fics you have problems with, it's hard after a long continuous of them to put those issues aside and just ENJOY it. I feel that I can't enjoy an episode anymore. Just recently I watched Hurricane Fluttershy and I couldn't help notice how ONE-DIMENSIONAL she is. I think I need some time to be able to just enjoy something pony related, and learn how to just enjoy it. Plus I'm trying to get a job, and school is starting back up in the few weeks, I'll have my hands full. Plus I need to put in time for TF2. That's like my morning coffee, because you may not know, I don't drink coffee.

It's been a pleasure, Minjask, and Khakis stop spamming me on Steam.

I guess the 'subject' is a bit misleading. I'm not going to review anymore for that undetermined amount of time, but I'll still show up in the IRC every once in a while. Maybe. You can always contact me at my email (The one I put in the OP I don't use much anymore, use the one in my name on this post) So yeah, I'll see you ponies later.

P.S Windows 8 is awesome, by the way.
>> No. 111420
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Well I can't say I blame you, things have indeed gotten pretty crazy lately, I finally finish an 80 hour work week on top of trying to find time for friends who haven't seen me in months, and I've still got three stories to do, which I'm about to get to by the way. It's been a pleasure working with you Professor. I look forward to seeing what you make of this whole poni deal.
My morning coffee is Vitamin Water Power-C Dragonfruit. that stuff is like, my Elixir man. I think I'll save that email, might hit you up on Skype too if you have it.
Windows 8 is out now? I'll have to get that.

And with that I think I should get to those stories now, ciao ponies.
>> No. 111432
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You know, it’s funny; this reviewing thing has become a replacement of sorts for me for the void of in between seasons. That and Bronycon. It’s so much fun helping everypony improve, and after the crazy week I just had, I really needed this.

I couldn’t find anything strange with the story, especially since you answered the one question I still had, and the characterization in here is very good. I can see that you’ve found another reviewer for this, which is heartening. I left a few comments on the Doc, and that’s all I have to say about that.
>> No. 111437

That's actually my editor as you can tell by the amount of red the page probably has. I hadn't made the corrections yet due to extreme laziness. He does make comments if he notices glaring mistakes, however, which I guess he must have that chapter.

I do appreciate all the help you gave me in this thread, though! I feel like my story has improved a lot in quality and detail thanks to what you were able to pick out and help me correct. Hopefully I see you around!
>> No. 111508
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Hi there! I've got a review request for Minjask.

Title: Villains of a Certain Age
Author: BorgiaBrony
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life,
Synopsis: Discord's old friends, Tirek and Grogar, bust him out of his stony prison and take him in. They spend the next few weeks catching up and doing what best friends do best: screwing around.

More than anything, can you give me a review of the humor in this? Did it make you laugh? Chuckle? Smirk even? Because I sent this into the EQD pre-readers not too long ago and they just said that it wasn't funny, and I'd like a little more in depth look at it. Thanks very much!
>> No. 111513
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The queue is permanently closed for this thread. Minjask will be reviewing in TTG after this, so hit him up there.
>> No. 111632
That's right plot. Grammar and other stuff would be appreciated.

Title: Goodnight Pip

Tags: Sad

Summary: Not yet available...erm. Sorry. I would make one up but you'd all cry so I'd rather not do that to you.

Words: 1200

Linkzies: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YCXsU8UcChUz8p4Gw2_qwjz40eeINNx1IOxDxjA57Y0/edit
>> No. 111633
Just saw last post ignore me
>> No. 111657
Maybe we should lock this thread so that doesn't happen again. Godspeed, Minjask, you magnificent bastard.
>> No. 111731
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As much as it pains me to turn down a story, the queue is permanently closed, as my colleague Professor Hugbox was so kind to point out. I'll be moving to The Training Grounds soon, assuming it's going to still be there when I get there, but that's not important at the moment.
No, not just yet, I've another review to post before then. I'll make the report myself when I'm ready, but thank you anyway.
>> No. 111755
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It would seem we've hit autosage, so I'm not sure if a thread-lock is even necessary, but I'm going to report this anyway simply because I love the modposts I see sometimes.

Ghostwriter found me on the Doc, so the Review was conducted there.

And with that, this review thread is now closed, see ya in the Training Grounds ponies.
>> No. 111764
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Good night, sweet thread
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