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106717 No. 106717
#Reviewer #The Training Grounds
What is a sage? A miserable little pile of lacking bumps! When we hit 400 posts, The Training Grounds automatically sages and dies far too young. But enough talk! Have at thee a review!

Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran alike. It isn’t the only such thread, but it’s usually the busiest! (Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>103159 The sticky, which contains important information: >>98618)

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Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 106719
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106719
>Submission guide: [broken link]
>not using ZWNJs to get punctuation out of links
>year of the pegasus
>> No. 106720
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106720
>>106719
this
>> No. 106721
>>106719

Like anyone reads the submission guide.
>> No. 106723
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106723
>>106721
I do did.
>> No. 106740
So, to get this thread started proper, I'll go ahead and submit my fic for review. Also, I'll go ahead and request a reviewer.

Title: Ideas Live On
Genre Tags: [Adventure][Sci-fi]
Synopsis: The ancient past of Equestria has always been shrouded in mystery; even the claims from the Princesses don't seem to be consistent with the evidence. The key to the past resides in a map found by a Professor Sparks of Canterlot University; a map of a foreign land called "The United States of America".
Word Count: Prologue: 1067
Chapter 1: 10356
Chapter 2: 5170
Link: Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vsdQP746MCwnZdzPKwf74iwuZxB7nibXmIVCxJ3NB2E/edit
Chaper 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_e38lqCLpXNtdNaL7hdXHved0IIfE93rQj4KpjOoaE/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wWmWRKQTkHn27pO7Cz3Wo4dVWV_BuCQpeqLCZQ83XWE/edit

Grande plan doc (chapter synopses, crappy maps, timelines, etc.): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qGxT4ZQ16LzgQ5S7QCk71qPFQbS4BL0-UaNuEKMf-mg/edit

Thank you in advance.
>> No. 106745
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106745
Lookee here! How many iterations has this thread gone through? I wonder...

Well, anyway, here you go:

[Title] Dystopia
[Tags] Adventure, Dark, Alternate Universe
[Synopsis]

The throne of the alicorn Ao sits a thousand years empty,
unicorns have disappeared, and pegasi enslave the remaining earth ponies.
An author strikes too close to the dark secret of her home city.
Banished, she seeks those who will stand with her against the
corruption that stole the land.

[Word Count] Misconceptions, Part I: 3152

[Linky] https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-XKV9_WoX8OX5mYUkYXdMv1ZdjGFBUoJI8h1uDUulk4/edit

[Notes]

This is already in Golden Vision's queue. I just need someone to look over some of the changes
I made. GV's the final reviewer for it, just to go through and brush over the final things.

Sent this to EQD, came back with this message:

A couple issues I noted that you have a thing with-

stacked descriptors (very few occurrences)

Hyphen is not an Em dash, and Em dashes don’t have spaces following or preceding them.

Overly dramatic mystery right off the bat.

Dialogue tagging leaves something to be desired. Little emotional impact is conveyed through the dialogue alone, as it’s rather direct and usually truncated.

>A little earth filly // This is a bit of an issue. Unicorn and pegasus are easy, but earth pony generally requires the addition of ‘pony’. Saying the ‘earth mare’ can create a variety of comprehension problems in varied situation. I strongly suggest you go with what the fandom knows, and use ‘earth pony’ as the proper primary identifier.

Spacing Misses-

>“ You shouldn’t

>Ari said,“Hey Magenta.”

>Magenta continued,“Well,

There’s very little grammatically wrong with this piece—certainly nothing systemic beyond the Em dash misuse—but you really need more world-building.

--------------------------------

Thanks!
>> No. 106750
>>106483

Just dropping this in here again as I put it in the end of the old thread.

I made the changes you suggested and replied to all your comments. See below for full.

Thanks again!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_VtWYm9Pxaq3qPtSSQOshu32Q2f6qwfx8CeViEOoWw4/edit
>> No. 106777
Small bump for >>106494 as it was posted during the last thread's autosage.
>> No. 106845
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106845
All right, where to begin.

One of the main things about this story is that the premise interprets the canon of the season finale in such a way that I can't support it or fully believe it. I talked about this a little bit in a comment, but it bears repeating: I don't understand Chrysalis' motives here, like I did in A Canterlot Wedding.

Let's recap the events of A Canterlot Wedding:
>Twilight receives an invitation to her brother's wedding
>SONG TIEM
>She arrives at Canterlot and learns the identity of the bride
>But Cadence!Chrysalis turns out to be a bitch
>Twilight concludes that Cadence has "turned evil" and tries to convince the others, but they don't believe her
>She confronts Cadence!Chrysalis at the wedding recital, her brother gets angry with her for misunderstanding Cadence's actions, and her friends and Celestia take Cadence's side
>Then Cadence!Chrysalis sends Twilight to the caves beneath Canterlot, where she meets the real Cadence
>The wedding between Cadence!Chrysalis and a stupefied Shining Armor is going on
>SONG TIEM
>Cadence and Twilight escape, outwitting the evil bridesmaids, and crash the wedding
>Chrysalis reveals herself, gives a speech, fights Celestia, is surprised that she wins
>Changelings crash the shield and take over the town to "feed on love"
>"Get to the Elements of Harmony"
>FIGHT TIEM
>fail lol
>SONG TIEM
>"go to him", Cadence manages to snap Shining out of his trance
>Love Conquers All, changelings are blasted away
>SONG TIEM, party tiem, etc., etc.

Now, there are a number of questions that the canon leaves open.
*How did Chrysalis manage to subdue and replace Cadence undetected?
*Why are Shining's eyes green—what does that signify?
*Why would the changelings attack out in the open, rather than gradually assimilating themselves into the city?
*How exactly do changelings feed on "love"?

And many other questions, like "Were changelings ponies once?" which could be multiplied at will, and promise to be the source of endless inspiration for fanfic authors. However, I've listed most of the ones that I think your story relates to.

Now, then. I liked your explanation of how Chrysalis replaced Cadence. I don't like much of the rest of your explanations, though. I'll admit that some if not all of these issues are a matter of personal interpretation, but look at it this way: the fact that I'm even stopping to argue with your interpretations might be a sign that your story is focusing on the wrong things.

First, you seem to think that love is actually changeling food. You make Chrysalis act like she gets physically hungry without it. I think this is contradicted by canon (though I realize fanon has taken the idea and run with it). Listen:
>Cadence: "She's a changeling. She takes the form of somepony you love, and gains power by feeding off your love for them."
>Chrysalis: "Right you are, princess. And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than any place I've ever encountered. My fellow changelings will be able to devour so much of it that we will gain more power than we have ever dreamed of!"
See, here, the feeding gives power, not sustenance. The changelings can't control themselves, not because they're simply hungry, but because they're power-hungry. Chrysalis is able to defeat Celestia because she gained an unexpected amount of power from Shining Armor. But magical power isn't the same as food energy. Twilight Sparkle still eats hay... Anyway, that's my argument.

Next, and I may be misinterpreting you here, you seem to assert that changelings feed on love by actually kissing their victims. If so, then why the mass invasion, undisguised? Wouldn't a strategy of subterfuge, a slow replacement of ponies with changelings, be far more efficient? It seems to me that the evidence from the show suggests that this feeding, whatever it looks like, should take the form of a more literal attack. Personally, I'd go so far as to say that the spell Cadence casts on Shining Armor is itself an instance of this method of feeding. But that's just me, and I have no notions of holding you to that.

Next. You made Chrysalis' "green" spell into a form of mind-control. There's some evidence for this interpretation, given Shining's stupefaction and his obedient nod at the wedding. I'd argue against the mind-control interpretation from canon, but I'd probably only have moderate, equivocal success, because the mind-control interpretation is definitely a plausible one—and anyway, it's irrelevant to my point. My issue with your use of mind-control has to do with the way you use it to retcon Shining Armor's canonical actions. You put most of Shining's actions in the show, including his crucial angry reaction to Twilight's accusations against Cadence!Chrysalis, into the mouth of Chrysalis, thus removing Shining's agency and responsibility for them. But this is completely unnecessary. A Canterlot Wedding wraps up the matter well enough, and Shining's angry reaction is plausible enough given the character and circumstances, that you're basically forcing a new and foreign interpretation of that episode onto anyone who wants to believe your backstory for it.

In other words, you're using this mind-control bit to try to fix what ain't broke.

I'll stop there with the comparisons to canon and move on. Now this may hurt, but one of the main things that jumped out at me everywhere in your story was how consistently flat the characters were. Good characters are deep, like the ocean, full of mysteries and hidden lives tucked away in silent corners, and always full of surprises. The way to portray a good character is through contrast. You show one bit of the person, one side of their personality, then you show a completely different side (not opposite—just different), and you let the sides carry on a sort of dance. You let many different pieces of the person come to the fore and interact every time the character thinks a thought, opens his mouth, or walks across the room. But your characters were much more like wind-up dolls, walking inexorably on to their appointed positions at the start of A Canterlot Wedding. They had precisely calculated thoughts, said predictable things, even performed canned theatrics. Everything felt staged. I can't help but think that you were trying too hard to capture the 2-d flavor of the actual show with this story.

In my opinion, the worst thing about this story is that it has no real structure. Very little even holds this thing together as a unified whole. It feels more like a set of disjointed scenes than a coherent story. It isn't satisfying. If anything, it's a decent set-up for A Canterlot Wedding, but it isn't anything like a complete story unto itself.

What's the plot? There are several threads running through this story:
- Cadence is replaced with Chrysalis, and she sets herself up for domination
- Shining Armor has a hard time keeping his shield up and it wears him out and affects his relationship with Lance
- Cadence!Chrysalis acts weird to Shining, not letting him invite Twilight, and he has to resist her
If asked, those are what I'd say the story was about. But what's the title? "LSBFF", a reference to Shining Armor's version of Twilight's BBBFF song, which you have him sing towards the end of the story. Do you see the problem? This song, which is also the story's title, has almost nothing to do with the central threads of the story. Cadence!Chrysalis's reluctance to let Shining invite Twilight seems almost shoehorned in, halfway through. She gives no reasoning for her desire and Shining doesn't demand any—he just gives in because "brides should get whatever they want no matter how dumb it is". Then, he snaps at Lance, because he's tired from sustaining an intense magic shield AND he's about to get married—both of which problems have been present almost from the start of the story—yet I'm supposed to believe Shining when he says, "No, that’s not what’s bothering me"? But those problems are the ones that have been simmering on the stove for hours, they're the ones that I'm most invested in as a reader, and they're the ones which demand resolution. The business with inviting Twilight to the wedding doesn't come in till much later. But you focus the titular scene of the story, the scene which is arguably intended to be its climax, entirely on this relatively new problem. And as if recognizing that this "climax" hasn't had an appropriate amount of buildup, you shove memory after fond memory of Twilight into Shining's mind all at once, with seemingly no other purpose than to make the reader feel, "D'aww filly Twi, screw Cadence! Shining HAS to invite Twilie to his wedding!" But all that emotionalism fell completely flat, because of how the problem wasn't set up as a very serious problem (Cadence didn't have to give any explanation for her desire, so it's not something I imagine Shining really feels respect for; the solution to the problem is literally for Shining to just do what it is that he wants, with nothing more difficult standing in his way) and how it was only brought in late in the story.

All that stuff that you shoved into Shining Armor's memories in a big glob—THAT'S the stuff that should've been simmering on the stove for the entire story, even if it's only the mention of Twilight's name here and there that send Shining into fits of nostalgia. There should've been more difficulty for him to overcome in order to invite Twilight, even if it was only psychological difficulty in going against Cadence's wishes. That would give the story some much-needed unity and closure.

As for the song itself, the "LSBFF": you know what I'm going to say, right? Songs just aren't the same in text as they are when they're audible. The impact of the song is negligible. It approaches the subject with blatant emotionalism, I dislike the way it takes something from the show and apes it, I think it's quite unfit to be the climax of the story.
- BBBFF is a feminine song. The tune is feminine and childish. Why would Shining Armor sing the same song, with the same verse form, and nearly the same lyrics? I'd think he'd have a more masculine, mature song—that'd be a truer parallelism, in my opinion.
- What does the reader gain by reading some alternate lyrics to BBBFF? Is that a fun way to spend time, reading alternate lyrics to established songs?
- Your story makes no provision or excuse for the song, it just launches right into it. The show does have an excuse, because it's established itself as an audible medium. It's had songs before, and people expect them. They're used to summarize story points that would be tedious otherwise, they're used to give important characterization, they set tone; they do an immense amount of legwork, condensing into one or two or three minutes what would take much longer to portray without a song scene. So, just launching into songs is fine—for the show. But fanfiction, as a written medium, doesn't have the same license to use songs that television does. So you've really got to justify the use of a song when you use one in a story, either by making that song personally important to a character in a crucial way, or important to the plot (like poetic prophecies in fantasy tales), or, well, something. I don't agree at all with the sentiment that "if the show can get away with it, I can too," because fiction is not television, and the same elements used in different mediums are not going to have the same effects.

Which brings me to my final criticism, which is really just a summary of everything else I've said. This story just doesn't stand on its own. It relies—I hate to say it, but it's accurate—parasitically on the episodes. You seem to have written it like that, too. What I want with a fanfiction is a complete story that's satisfying in its own right, not an addendum to someone else's story.

Does that sound like a fair criticism?
>> No. 106846
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106846
I'm feeling really fatigued. Work, work, work, and work, etc. I sincerely apologize for both dropping this and for not dropping it sooner, that it might have had the chance to be picked up by someone else before now. I am a terrible person.
>>102838 | Hive Mind: The Tragedy of Queen Chrysalis | Atlas86
My impressions so far have been that it places a little too much emphasis, and not only in description, on this male breeding drone / military commander changeling, sort of like how Edward in the Twilight series is described in great detail. It's obvious just a few paragraphs in that Chrysalis is totally in love with him. Maybe I'm missing out on some hot quasi-arthropodic action, with strangely-shaped appendages that have holes in them like Swiss cheese or whatever it is that changelings have for that purpose. Or, a totally intriguing story with some world-building surrounding the changelings and complicated drama. Heck, from what I saw, it could've been either. At any rate, I'm bummed I don't get to see what awesome things in your writing you came up with and what awful things in your writing I could playfully lambaste.

I had a few chickenscratch notes on your phrasing in the opening paragraphs wherein the setting is described, but they're really paltry and not worth sharing.

:..(
>> No. 106883
>>106745
I've got time tomorrow, so I'll go ahead and review this.
>> No. 106892
>>106846

I'd have to say that I'm disappointed, too. I really have lost all momentum in writing this because I have to go through all of the bureaucracy involved with getting this on EQD. Oh well, it's my goal, after all. I've got other things to work on. Back into the unclaimed pile I go, a week older than every other story.

Thanks for the consideration, regardless of the outcome. I wouldn't want you to force out a review if you didn't have to time to really consider it.
>> No. 106905
>>106845

First off, a proper thanks, Nietzche my teacha! You put a lot of work into this. I think I agree with you on about 40% of your criticism, which means I get an F.

You gave some pretty harsh reaming here, and I don’t even have the excuse of a tough reviewer, since I’ve read you give high praise elsewhere.

Now, let's see if I can work image board code well enough to address this.

>First, you seem to think that love is actually changeling food. You make Chrysalis act like she gets physically hungry without it. I think this is contradicted by canon (though I realize fanon has taken the idea and run with it). Listen:

Yeah, I have to say that I’ve completely canalized the fan-canon on this one. Whether that’s entirely a bad thing, I’m not sure.

>Next, and I may be misinterpreting you here, you seem to assert that changelings feed on love by actually kissing their victims. If so, then why the mass invasion, undisguised? Wouldn't a strategy of subterfuge, a slow replacement of ponies with changelings, be far more efficient? It seems to me that the evidence from the show suggests that this feeding, whatever it looks like, should take the form of a more literal attack. Personally, I'd go so far as to say that the spell Cadence casts on Shining Armor is itself an instance of this method of feeding. But that's just me, and I have no notions of holding you to that.


Chrysalis’s motives in canon are actually a little vague. Does she want Shining’s love, or does she want “everypony under my control, every stallion, mare, and foal”? As much as I hate to say it, your explanation makes sense. Take one pony’s love and refine it into magical power, then use that to dominate the Canterlotians.

But, the other explanation is that the changelings are terrorizing the city just to control the seat of government and have free rein to feed on the love of others. That’s the (or a) fan-canon version, and I think I have a reason why.

Fan-canon is all about fleshing out Equestria. We want it to be a land of politics and culture, a real place, where things are complex. The show, which is character-driven, needs it to be simpler.

>My issue with your use of mind-control has to do with the way you use it to retcon Shining Armor's canonical actions. You put most of Shining's actions in the show, including his crucial angry reaction to Twilight's accusations against Cadence!Chrysalis, into the mouth of Chrysalis, thus removing Shining's agency and responsibility for them. But this is completely unnecessary. A Canterlot Wedding wraps up the matter well enough, and Shining's angry reaction is plausible enough given the character and circumstances, that you're basically forcing a new and foreign interpretation of that episode onto anyone who wants to believe your backstory for it.

>In other words, you're using this mind-control bit to try to fix what ain't broke.

And I think it is broke, or rather, not built. Shining Armor in canon is a very passive character. He does almost nothing, and what he does do is wrong. When he completes the spell at the end, he needs Cadence’s help. Really, A Canterlot Wedding is a damsel-in-distress story with the genders reversed. And I don’t buy that, not from Twilight Sparkle’s brother.

>Now this may hurt, but one of the main things that jumped out at me everywhere in your story was how consistently flat the characters were.

Part of this—a small part—is the limitation of the prequel format. A larger part is the fact that I’m a very flat person. I don’t change my opinions often, and I like getting into routine. It’s reflected in my literature choices as well, and I’m not surprised that it comes through in my writing.

But I should probably learn how to write non-flat characters.

>If asked, those are what I'd say the story was about. But what's the title? "LSBFF", a reference to Shining Armor's version of Twilight's BBBFF song, which you have him sing towards the end of the story. Do you see the problem? This song, which is also the story's title, has almost nothing to do with the central threads of the story.

Here I have to take issue. I think the song and Shining’s decision to defy his fiancée and act boldly, which is the climax, is the central thread, because if he didn’t, no Twilight at the wedding, which means no rescue of the real Cadence, which means disaster. In the episode, Shining Armor does nothing vital to save Canterlot, other than his spell which isn’t “doing,” it’s natural to him.

>All that stuff that you shoved into Shining Armor's memories in a big glob—THAT'S the stuff that should've been simmering on the stove for the entire story, even if it's only the mention of Twilight's name here and there that send Shining into fits of nostalgia. There should've been more difficulty for him to overcome in order to invite Twilight, even if it was only psychological difficulty in going against Cadence's wishes. That would give the story some much-needed unity and closure.

But here I have to say, yes, absolutely, I bucked up. I thought up the story backwards, but wrote it forward, and lost the structure and the theme in the transition. My thinking was:

>Shining needs to do something. What?
>Make sure Twilight is there. Why isn’t she?
>Because Chrysalis doesn’t want her. That’s why Shining didn’t tell her himself, but sent the letter.
>OK, I need to introduce Chrysalis. Where?
>There must have been a proposal. That’s a good spot.

>BBBFF is a feminine song. The tune is feminine and childish. Why would Shining Armor sing the same song, with the same verse form, and nearly the same lyrics? I'd think he'd have a more masculine, mature song—that'd be a truer parallelism, in my opinion.

I couldn’t agree less. BBBFF is my favorite of the three songs from the episode, and I don’t think it’s feminine at all. It’s melodic, and if you’ll indulge me a digression, the fandom is WAY too much about rhythm when it comes to music and not nearly enough about melody. But back on topic, the episode shows that Shining has an atypical relationship with his little sis, at least as compared to human siblings: he’s genuinely her friend. For him to not take the attitude of “Don’t bother me, Twilight, I want to hang with my colt friends” to me shows that he has the kind of passion that would indeed lead him to sing a melodic sibling-love song.

>What does the reader gain by reading some alternate lyrics to BBBFF? Is that a fun way to spend time, reading alternate lyrics to established songs?

Um, yes? Fans in other fandoms do it all the time.

>Your story makes no provision or excuse for the song, it just launches right into it. The show does have an excuse, because it's established itself as an audible medium. It's had songs before, and people expect them. They're used to summarize story points that would be tedious otherwise, they're used to give important characterization, they set tone; they do an immense amount of legwork, condensing into one or two or three minutes what would take much longer to portray without a song scene. So, just launching into songs is fine—for the show. But fanfiction, as a written medium, doesn't have the same license to use songs that television does.

Then kindly direct me to where I can produce a television show. :) I suppose I could try to learn flash and do it that way, but I don’t have time, and this story with this song was what I wanted to tell.

>Which brings me to my final criticism, which is really just a summary of everything else I've said. This story just doesn't stand on its own. It relies—I hate to say it, but it's accurate—parasitically on the episodes. You seem to have written it like that, too. What I want with a fanfiction is a complete story that's satisfying in its own right, not an addendum to someone else's story.

>Does that sound like a fair criticism?

Yes, except that before you were saying that I was going against canon, which might be parasitic, but not to the episode.

The irony is that while I have other stories that I think are more self-contained, I picked this one to submit to EqD and the TTG Grounds (that should be the next thread, the Recursive Acronym Edition) because I thought it would be the most accessible. And that might be the case.

So what I’m going to do is finish the changes discussed in the G-Doc and then re-submit. If it gets strike two, and the PR is in line with your criticisms, then I’ll do a major re-write based on trying to stick closer to what we agree are the important parts and give it one more go.
>> No. 106941
>>103682 Anomalous by benxlabs
>>103791 The Challenges of Love by pmcollectorboy

I'm printing these out and doing as much as I can while on a plane/waiting at the airport.
I'm shooting for both reviews done by the 18th, but more realistically expect them in about a week.

>>102838
Just a note for Atlas86, the person in the front of the queue. It looks like you need an editor, which isn't something I'm inclined to do and would be terrible for printing and commenting later, so I skipped yours. However, just a quick glance over the first paragraph revealed missing spaces, missed capitalisations, dialogue punctuation errors, etc. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but using http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/ would fix quite a few of those and maybe make your story a bit more palatable to claim.
>> No. 106942
For the record, I DO use the submission guide...now I gotta wing it to post this...I blame Dublio *nods*

[Normal][Shipping]

Plot: Acoustiana dealing with life as a musician that is mute, having to work with people not knowing hooflanguage and needing to constantly write things down for others. All the while feeling a sense of loneliness as nopony wanted to get close to her as they didn't know how, or didn't want to know how to understand hooflanguage. Those that made their honest effort to befriend Acoustiana found her to be pleasant and fun to be around, and she always enjoyed playing for them one of her many personal compositions. But even though her few friends would always be the realization that by the end of the day, she would be alone in the silence of her home, with her bed empty of happiness.

Link: This is to the collection
https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0BxiK5DjD1JIOd2tKNUlwT29SZUtYYzc3SzluS3BrZw/edit

Link: This is just to Part 6, the chapter to be reviewed
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_Amsiu_jwBH8HGEpSejGa8VSROHioPKd7QLIJ6Lqlpk/edit

Comments/Requests:
Pascoite will most likely be reviewing this. However, if any other reviewer wants to take a crack at it, feel free. Mostly I need help with mechanics. I generally have story, character, and plot (tee hee) figured out, I just suck at the technical side of writing.
>> No. 106951
File 133976817230.jpg - (18.03KB , 640x358 , noxstare.jpg )
106951
>>106883

Welp, this is next in GV's queue.

This is just a head's up so that there's no freaking out, but GV's most likely getting to it today. I can handle two reviewers comments at the same time, so having two is actually a good thing for me.

Thanks in advance and hope you enjoy the story!
>> No. 106972
>>106638
>>106750
I lost a couple of days of my life, and am only now getting resync'd with the world, including TTG.

I'm glad you didn't let my omission of an overarching summary slow you down. You picked up on my comments and acted upon them, and I'm happy that you found them useful. Since a detailed summary would be redundant at this point, let me leave you with a few more general comments. Take them as just one reader's opinions.

Your mechanics are sound. The text needed a bit of grooming, but it's clear that you know how to string words, sentences, and paragraphs together. Your response to my comments shows that you know what you need to work on.

As for the characters, I truly admire your treatment of Rarity in the first half of your chapter. She stood out as being very much in character, and I particularly found her interaction with Sweetie Belle natural, charming, and convincing.

If I had a problem with Rainbow Dash, it was perhaps in part because you had set the bar so high with your Rarity. The RD I see portrayed here doesn't feel to me like the one from the show. That's not to say that the two can't be reconciled, but it's going to take some explaining, which likely takes place in your other chapters.

From what I can tell in this one chapter, you have a solid command of your story. I may have to sample additional chapters. The only other advice I can offer is to seek out other reviewers, who will inevitably bring different judgments and perspectives.

Best of luck with your story.
>> No. 106998
>>106745

Line-by-line in-doc.

There's some huge issues with this story.

Look at your tags, synopsis, and title. They all promise an interesting new world with brand new characters.

What do you deliver? Eight or so pages of talking heads and meaningless backstory. You never bother to explain what's going on, why the protagonist is unemployed, or why she's so hotheaded. You never bother to tell us about ANY of the environments they visit, and you neglect to tell us what a 'protus' is. You're simply throwing us into this world without telling us what happened to the Equestria we love and why.

Speaking of the world, it feels like your characters just popped out of nowhere as well. They don't feel like they've been living in the world they inhabit. They don't adopt the culture of the world and seem entirely out of place.

Especially the protagonist. It seems like she decided on the flip of a coin to OPPOSE ALL SLAVERY EVER. It's never explained where she got this sentiment and why she's so concerned with slavery in the first place. Not only that, but she just decides to walk up to four or so heavily armed guards and free the slaves in the middle of the town square. I doubt this is the first time she's seen slaves. So, does she decide to just throw caution to the wind every time she sees a pony in chains?

This story makes no sense. The characters don't feel like they live in the world they inhabit, the world itself is confusing and never explained, and the environments themselves are dull and lifeless.

Also, three thousand words or so and three disjointed scenes do not make a chapter. Write more before submitting.

Add description, make your characters believable, and keep writing.
>> No. 107012
File 133978736569.jpg - (9.89KB , 300x202 , noxhateproof.jpg )
107012
>>106998

Ah! Time for the good ol' acknowledgement! Isn't it wonderful?

While I agree with the here-and-there in the GDoc, there are many other things that I necessarily don't.

>You never bothered to explain what's going on

On purpose. You know why? Because if I outright tell you how the entire world got to that point it would be like reading something out of a history book: while interesting, it's bland and boring and doesn't tell a story.

> You're simply throwing us into this world without telling us what happened to the Equestria we love and why

Read above. Especially in the context of this story.

>Meaningless backstory

Everything I wrote within the chapter is important to its overall understanding.

>never explained what a 'protus' is

Ah! Something I agree with! While I don't bother mentioning much about the proti, more telling what type a character has and how they're using it, I do see the point in not conveying what it is.

Rest assured, the next chapter provides some well-needed info (albeit in the form of bright and merry propaganda, but a real dystopia isn't without it)

>characters don't fit in with society

Of course not! Do you see social activists 'fitting in' with their peers? Did Martin Luther King 'fit in' with the society of his day? No! Because if he did, there would have been a great void in a social revolution!

>OPPOSE ALL SLAVERY EVER

Like a real person, she has a sense of morality. Rather a more belated, overblown sense of it, but still morality.

>Three thousand words.... does not make a chapter

Do you dictate how chapters in books actually are? Are you the person who has the final say on whether or not a chapter is good enough to move on? No. That's my decision, not yours. If I deem the chapter lengthy enough, it's done. What you're complaining about doesn't make any sense coming from a reviewer, not the actual writer.

>make character's believable

So there is no such thing as a hotheaded person in real life? There's no such thing as the hard worker who has to put up with it? There's no such thing as a merchant trying to make money?

*facedesks*

I fully realize that you're only trying to help, and I do agree with you on some things. However, come on! You point out silly little things that make absolutely no sense.

Characterization problems: First time hearing after going through at least five other reviewers, pre-readers, and editors, both formally and informally.

World-building: Agree with you. Working on it.

ETC: ... I really have nothing to say at this point, seeing as I've already said all that I need to.

You may think I'm a belligerent ass, or one that thinks that 'no one will ever get my genius' or some other kind of bullshit, but I'm not.

I'm the farthest from it.
>> No. 107023
File 133978983987.jpg - (198.45KB , 2000x1000 , AbE1P.jpg )
107023
Hey, everyone. I graduated recently, and guess what I plan on using my uneventful summer for. I've been on a two-month writing hiatus, and I could use some advice on getting back into the habit of writing daily.

I'm thinking of easing into the process. Maybe start off with a thousand words a day, then up the mark by increments every few days until I reach a comfortable two thousand words per day.

Of course, I have one issue that is affecting my attention span: Skyrim. I made a horrible mistake buying it. Not that Skyrim is a bad game; it just keeps drawing my attention away from writing/editing. I suppose I can set up a "work first, Skyrim later" attitude, but it's difficult to resist the call of Tamriel at this time. The other option is to burn-out Skyrim over the next week (play it from dusk till dawn), but it will only push my plans back and leave me a mindless carcass staring at a screen.

... So... yes, I have a problem. Any general tips (not relating to Skyrim) or solutions that you could offer? I'm sure someone here has been in a similar situation.
>> No. 107031
>>107012

>On purpose. You know why? Because if I outright tell you how the entire world got to that point it would be like reading something out of a history book: while interesting, it's bland and boring and doesn't tell a story.

I don't get what your beef is with exposition. Determining when and where use exposition is as much a part of worldbuilding as creating the world is. I think you're confusing 'exposition' with 'being telly'. They're two completely separate things.

>Rest assured, the next chapter provides some well-needed info (albeit in the form of bright and merry propaganda, but a real dystopia isn't without it)

I doubt a reader's going to stick around in chapter two just to hear what a personal computer cell phone hologram thing is. Just put a short sentence when they're first mentioned, or something.

>Of course not! Do you see social activists 'fitting in' with their peers? Did Martin Luther King 'fit in' with the society of his day? No! Because if he did, there would have been a great void in a social revolution!

Are you being serious? MLK followed a stance of nonviolent protests. While they certainly went against the grain, they weren't illegal by any means. Not only that, but he actually had a reason to be angry at the establishment. He had seen the direct effects of racism and the effects it had on society.

That's a far cry from a pegasus who just happens to dislike racism for no apparent reason and decides to take out her rage on every single person who even considers owning a slave. That's like some pasty middle-class kid who went to an all-white school running around throwing bricks at suburban windows in the '50s because 'every suburbanite is racist'.

>Everything I wrote within the chapter is important to its overall understanding.

Justify it however you want, the first two sections are boring and unnecessary.

>Like a real person, she has a sense of morality. Rather a more belated, overblown sense of it, but still morality.

Then, like a real person, her moral compass should be affected by the pressures of society. There better be a damn good reason for her being so radical.

>Do you dictate how chapters in books actually are? Are you the person who has the final say on whether or not a chapter is good enough to move on? No. That's my decision, not yours. If I deem the chapter lengthy enough, it's done. What you're complaining about doesn't make any sense coming from a reviewer, not the actual writer.

Then, as a reviewer, I'm going to tell you that the number one place where people will quit out on your story is after chapter one and before chapter two. And with what you have so far, it's not looking very likely many will take the plunge to chapter two.

>So there is no such thing as a hotheaded person in real life? There's no such thing as the hard worker who has to put up with it? There's no such thing as a merchant trying to make money?

There's such a thing as a hotheaded failure who has no sense of self control, and a hard-working friend who's all-but-ready to kick her out for her inability to hold down a job, but that's not the dynamic that exists between these characters.
>> No. 107035
File 133979576620.png - (184.63KB , 308x401 , NoxPatience.png )
107035
>>107031

I still have some qualms over this, but I'd rather not talk about them here out of courtesy for the other reviewers and authors.

You may not be wanting to help me out a bit, but if you would elaborate more on what you're saying. I may have taken it the wrong way based on how I read your review.

Please email me with you answers to these questions:

>In terms of the dynamic between Zero and Ari, what do you suggest I do?

>What makes good exposition in your opinion?

And that's all. Feel free to email me if you wish. If you never do so, then so be it.
>> No. 107081
Authors: Knockwood, Tumbleweed, RK_Striker_JK_5, Paleo Prints, Lurks-No-More, Cloud Wander
Tags: [Normal][Comedy][Random]

Synopsis: The Cutie Mark Crusaders are bored. This sentence alone would normally herald despair. The fact that the Stable for Disease Control happened to temporarily store an infectious pathogen collection in Ponyville can only add to the ensuing chaos.

Also, Pinkie Pie may or may not turn into a zeppelin later. Time travel will be kept to a minimum.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15wNdLdYi96i-oV0QZaeYULD7W2QnBGRUuEAhA2c0Jx0/edit

Comments: This fic is the result of a round-robin community fic project on another board--which is why there are 6 authors. On the other hand the authors have a smattering of 5- and 6-star fics among them, so it shouldn't be too bad a read. :)

Submitted to EqD, one strike. Their response:
Look for errors in the following areas:
Ellipsis use
Hyphen use
Comma use
Compound word use
Tense confusion
Capitalization
Dialogue punctuation
I take issue with how onomatopoeia is marked; the use of asterisks looks clunky. Folding these noises into the text more organically would probably be for the best.
There's also a fair bit of what Ponychan's /fic/ board has dubbed "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome." Phrases like "the orange pegasus" or "the earth pony" are little more than pointless filler, and should be replaced with character names or pronouns as context demands.
However, my biggest issue here is pacing. While a lot of the madness is delightful in an almost Discordian fashion once it starts, the journey there drags so much that I'm afraid most blog readers would pitch it to the side before they got to the meat of the piece. The introduction needs to be tightened consistently, as right now the pacing shifts from glacial to frantic in a very jarring fashion.

Nevertheless, I like the core of the idea: it's like that one CMC episode, except more insane and, y'know, funny. Keep it up, and I look forward to seeing how you lot fix this up.

This is your first strike out of a possible three.

Signed,
Pre-reader Unimpressive

We've already junked most of the problems (I think), including scratching several ellipses (those were ... uh ... mine) editing away most of the LUS, and shortening the time between the beginning and the main conflict being introduced.

We'd like a round of proofing to make sure we've got everything, but other comments are welcome.
>> No. 107197
>>107035
For the record, I just proof-read the story, and even then I really only looked for the dialogue tagging problem you mentioned.

Dromer's points are true. While you can have the first chapter of a canon based story be short, when you have world building to do there has to be more. Ahri's protesting against the slavers was executed in an over-the-top fashion known as being hammy. I didn't think the characterization was horrible, but it wasn't good either, just some middle ground.

Good exposition? We went into this a few times but I'll go into it again. Drop information in a way that's roundabout telling. Explain something at a natural break. A character's past, a place's past, scenery, deeper description of something, take your pick.

It sounds like the main issue with your writing is that you don't have a sense for flow, which you need in order to know where to fit these things in, as well as fit in the actions around your dialogue. Another big issue is your misconceptions about what show, don't tell means. Some google searching should help you out with that one.
>> No. 107205
File 133988265306.png - (13.81KB , 640x361 , noxwaiting.png )
107205
>>107197

Thank you, SLP. However, I've found a method that I'm going to use for the story: incluing.

I've edited the story to allow some description on the world, but going into the history of things is bad. However, cluing the reader as to the world's past allows them to build stories for it.

Not me. I'm focusing on Ari's story. With incluing I can suggest a bigger world without outright saying what it is or what happened. Take for instance this dialogue:

"You're father fought in the Great War."

"No he didn't. He transported cargo."

"That's what your uncle told you."

-------------------------

There. As a writer, I'm never going to go back and explain what the Great War was or what happened. The reader can fill in that information themselves.

Anyway, that's what I'm sticking with. More description of the world and begin incluing about the world's past and elaborate on the character's past through it as well.
>> No. 107215
>>107205
>There. As a writer, I'm never going to go back and explain what the Great War was or what happened. The reader can fill in that information themselves.
>The reader can fill in that information themselves.
>can fill in that information themselves.
>themselves.

No they can't. Most readers just read because pretty words. While the somewhat more intelligent reader would like to see your view. Of course everyone will fill in the little details but shaping at least a form for a reader to go with is certainly something you should consider.
>> No. 107216
File 133988654406.jpg - (50.23KB , 823x1131 , snarkle_derelle.jpg )
107216
>>106740
I'm afraid due to other obligations I will have to pass on this chance. Thank you for reaching out to me, however.
>> No. 107218
>>107216
Aww. I guess that leaves it open to the general populace, then.
>> No. 107236
File 133989549857.png - (184.63KB , 308x401 , NoxPatience.png )
107236
>>107215

Realize that most if not all readers have an imagination. When the brain takes hints, it automatically tries to figure things out in a rational sense. Therefore, incluing is the greatest method of hinting the reader's brain towards something far beyond what they're being given.

I don't need to explain what the Great War was because the reader will fill in the gaps as they read the story: what it pertained to, how it ended, who were the players, etc.

I fully believe, with all my good heart, that if someone reads, they read because it's fun. Therefore, they have some level of imagination when it comes to bigger things.

A world doesn't tell one story. A world tells millions of them. Obscure history was deduced by a given set of predetermined facts and assumptions. We only have bits and peices of what actually happened. The rest is up to interpretation.

That's what I meant by not explaining it. It's part of the world, and if it seems foreign to the reader, it's all the more authentic.
>> No. 107239
File 133989789656.jpg - (157.02KB , 594x862 , JustSomeLuna.jpg )
107239
>>107236

What... are we going to do with you, Mr. Raptor?

You talk about worldbuilding, yet seem to barely understand it.

You make this statement:
> but going into the history of things is bad

Good, you understand part of the concept. You are both right and wrong. An info dump on history of your world is bad. However, too skimpy and you'll leave readers with more questions than answers and they don't like that.

There's a fine balance between too much world building and too little. So, let's start with your examples:

> "You're father fought in the Great War."
Is this important to the story? The fact that there was a war, I mean. If yes, then you'll have already made it clear. But what about the war makes it important? How does it affect the area around us. Don't leave us hanging. If you're going to tell me, "Well, all will be revealed, but I can't do it now because it's an info dump." Then you're going about it the wrong way. There are many ways to give us insight to this and still get the point across. I.E. "My father fought in the great war. He stood firm at the battle of X. He would never change his beliefs about Y." There, I took 23 words and if you filled in X and Y, you suddenly have a location, which gives readers a better view of the physical world, and a political belief, which tells readers how your characters or the world at large thinks in the story.

> "No he didn't. He transported cargo."
You call this world building? It really isn't that much of a world builder. It tells us some personal things about the character's past, but does it give us any insight to your story's world? The only world building I see is the fact that there were cargo trains. That's useless... Equestria, or whatever world you use is a thriving country/world. Of course there are cargo trains. A better example would be: "You're father didn't fight in the great war. He led cargo trains for X side from Y city to Z city. He always supported W philosophy of X."

There, two more locations, the name of a side, and their philosophies all in an acceptable amount of words.

> "That's what your uncle told you."
Again, personal information of a character. It tells us he has an uncle. So? I have an uncle? Twilight probably has an uncle? Do I need to mention that in the next story I write? Probably not. The world building can do just fine with never knowing that Twilight actually has an uncle. But keep it... it's more important to the character building than the world building. As such, I have nothing to derive from this sentence that could build the world.

I suggest that you take the advice of the other reviewers. Why? Because we could take all your arguments about how your version of world building is oh so much better and tear them apart. We could do it all night. But we won't because we want this ttg to last.

Good day, sir.

If anyone else would like to jump in and correct me, feel free. After all, I'm only human.

<< Picture does not pertain to the content of this post. Just sayin'...

There, now this tells
>> No. 107242
File 133989933293.png - (13.81KB , 640x361 , noxwaiting.png )
107242
>>107239

>Mr. Raptor

Please, call me Xelor. Much more... something or other.

Please, read this article, Monsieur Tristar: http://disneyology.blogspot.mx/2010/08/incluing.html

Despite it pertaining to the theme park, it has values in writing as well.

Besides, the quotes I used are merely stripped down versions of the ones in the post.

What I'm saying is that world-building relies on both the writer and the reader. I am willing to admit that I know I have problems with world-building.

Yet, here's where you and I stand apart. I believe that if something is foreign to the reader, then the world is authentic. The reason for that is because it's a NEW world with things that they've never heard of happening, have ever happened, etc.

If the reader doesn't want to infer things, then they can find something else to read. A good book introduces things subtly, and despite having the context of an MLP fanfiction, it shares a common ground.

Spoonfeeding the world through narrative, dialogue, etc. is forced, in my opinion, and therefore detracts from the story at hand. After all, while I may be attempting to introduce the reader to a world, I'm still only discussing one story within that world.

There are countless other stories just begging to be told! But I'm not trying to write about those stories. I'm writing about a struggling author who gets into trouble a lot and her level-headed best friend who tries to keep her together.

The world IS conveyed through the dialogue subtly, like it should be. Through the discussions amongst the characters who actually live in the world.

I apologize now this derail which lead on into petty differences between myself and a few others.

I recognize the fact that I have world-building problems, but remember that (if I may talk religiously for a second) God created the world in seven days, not overnight. It takes time and effort, and not fitting it all into a single chapter.
>> No. 107244
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W9WwPUAcQtaNRjm9AJPT2GSYu8W_Nk67BjNWelpVV48/edit
>> No. 107246
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I have just completely checked out of everything. My puny notes are in the doc. The author has already acknowledged those.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jum_XYiqYixZ2_KLrQWmhs-_h9HJfnDIB1GnfptKU60/edit

I haven't the strength to say anything else, besides that this story wasn't particularly funny, because it was predictable and repetitive.

If another reviewer's feeling charitable and would like to take a shot at explaining in more detail why this story isn't funny and why the reason doesn't have anything to do with the author's German-English language barrier, please do so.
>> No. 107248
File 133990122968.jpg - (9.25KB , 300x188 , Go on.jpg )
107248
>>107242

> Please, call me Xelor
Eenope. I don't take requests like that. Nothing personal, but once someone has a name, it sticks. You posted as RaptorSenior first. Therefore, you shall be some variant of RaptorSenior. But I didn't come here to discuss names. After all, I am the one hiding behind a mask.

> Please, read this article, Monsieur Tristar:
I'll give you some points for that. However, I think you misread what I said. I never downright said that your examples weren't world building. I implied that they were a bit on the light side. What I meant is that while they build the world, they do it one piece at a time. Well, when you have an hour and a half movie that can use pictures as well as words to build their world... it's no wonder why they only needed a few sentences whereas I would have expanded it in a book. Also, in Star Wars, at the point in which those were said, the war of the past wasn't the plot point. It was used to build (Eventually) build Darth Vader's character. Sure, it gave us a little bit of world building, but that wasn't the point.

Take that as you will... that's mostly opinion.

> What I'm saying is that world-building relies on both the writer and the reader.
Yeah... but you need to do your job in making sure that there's enough information in there for the reader to do their job. And I'm sorry, but when you're writing a story that's going to be less than 100k words, you need to give a broader scope of things sooner rather than later. It'll help in the long run when you don't have to stop and explain things in later chapters.

> The reason for that is because it's a NEW world with things that they've never heard of happening, have ever happened, etc.
Exactly! That's why you need to do more than one line paragraphs giving us a very narrow scope of your world. I'll spend two, three, sometimes four paragraphs building up several chunks of the world at a time. Of course, I don't just info dump it. I'll have other things happen.

> If the reader doesn't want to infer things, then they can find something else to read.
But if you don't give them enough, they can't infer much. So? They inferred that there's a war going on. Woopie ding dong. Good for them. But what did you say afterwards to help them infer that Darth Vader used to be a good guy? It's authors that say, "I'm going to give you the bare minimum , now do the rest of the work yourself." that piss off readers. The smoother the the world building, the happier the readers. There's a time and a place being vague about your world, but unless you're writing a mystery, I doubt you're going to want to leave information out.

> Spoonfeeding the world through narrative, dialogue, etc. is forced, in my opinion
Right. You're talking about info dumps again. I'm not saying info dumps are the way to go. I'm saying you need that balance between too much and too little. However, it's a delicate balance and I can't tell you how much is enough exactly. All I can tell you is that you're probably sitting at too little.

> The world IS conveyed through the dialogue subtly, like it should be.
Like I said, there is a balance between slapping the reader in the face and saying, "This is the world, now read the info dump or get lost." and "Here, look through this straw. I promise it may get bigger if you're smart." It's nice that you have so much confidence in your readers, but do... not... over... estimate them. And yes, this applies to myself as well. It applies to you should you read a different story, it applies to professional editors who make a living off others stories.

> petty differences between myself and a few others.
This is petty (And just an example, so don't take it seriously.): Raptor Senior is an ass. And I'm right because a,b,c.

Raptor Senior: Well, tristar anon is prick who doesn't know what he's talking about and I'm right because x,y,z.

People can actually read our posts and learn from them. It'll be petty when we dissolve into name calling.

> God created the world in seven days, not overnight. It takes time and effort, and not fitting it all into a single chapter.
Please don't drag the bible into this. It's one of the worst examples you can use because of all the controversy surrounding it. I could counter with, but how long is a day to God? Remember, he didn't have the sun to tell time. For all we know, it could have been a second to him, but a thousand years each to us. What I'm saying is, for all we know, seven days could have been a single page for him.

And good. I hope you don't try to build your world in a single chapter. That'd be a long chapter full of info dumps. Just don't take thirty chapters to build your damn world. Personally, in a longer fic, I think readers should have a good view of the world by chapter five.
>> No. 107253
File 133990261824.jpg - (18.03KB , 640x358 , noxstare.jpg )
107253
>>107248

Damn, that name will stick with me forever, won't it?

Anyway, by now I've thoroughly discussed my opinion on the matter that we have been collectively and intellectually arguing upon. Whether or not it's true makes (somewhat) of a difference.

But here's where I don't understand: as we are arguing about the basics of world-building, I have yet to see examples of how it is done. That, quite frankly, shocks me, because---despite whether or not how irrelevant the post I linked to was---it was still an example of my understanding of it.

Insofar, I have not gotten a clear-cut example of what you're trying to say.

> I'll spend two, three, sometimes four paragraphs building up several chunks of the world at a time.

Then show me! It's the Internet, and as such I don't take immediate trust to someone who claims they've done something or know something that I don't unless they prove it by showing me. You may have it down, but the lack of examples doesn't get me anywhere nor does it help me.

So far, the discussion has been about the concepts of world-building. Yet, the original conversation was about what was wrong with mine. No one offered any clear indication to a problem beyond: What's a protus? What happened to Equestria? What are the environments like?

For the last question, I do believe I've fixed a bit within the first chapter, and I have one more thing before it's an answered one.

However, don't you think the other should take a bit more time to answer? The final word on what a protus is is going to be given in Part II, whilst the next one is to be hinted at throughout the story.

>a 100k fic

Actually, I am aiming for that high, despite the chapters being a tad small. But there's a lot of chapters that I have planned.

Anyway, please: elaborate on what you're trying to say. All I get is opinion of what you know about world-building, and I have yet to see any clear examples that you do.
>> No. 107257
File 133990407142.jpg - (7.92KB , 125x200 , Thankyou.jpg )
107257
>>107253

> Then show me! It's the Internet, and as such I don't take immediate trust to someone who claims they've done something...
Good, don't take my word for it. Could I show you an example? Yeah... I could. But I don't want to type up an essay in a chat box like this. Maybe an analogy? I suck at them, but here, I'll give it a shot.

A story is like a sandwich . Bread is the concept, meat is the actual story, condiments are miscellaneous things like world building, character development, etc... We'll make the world building be the shredded lettuce because it's easy to add extra and take some away.

EZ lettuce (half the lettuce that normally comes on a sub in the food industry) is like one or two lines explaining the world. Don't do this unless someone special orders it. Most people want enough lettuce with each bite to enjoy the taste, but there are people who don't like, in this case, world building as much.

N-lettuce (Normal lettuce) is how much we normally [should] put on. It'll be parts of the story that don't distract from the story (The actual sandwich). I.E. You'll have some revealing information, but stuff more relevant to the story will be happening around it.

Extra lettuce (twice the amount) would be info dumps. Sure, there may be a few people who like it, but they are rare.

Overall, what I'm saying is, most people order there sandwiches with N-lettuce. They don't bother to ask for less or more. Therefore, we put a normal amount of lettuce on the sandwich. People enjoy it just fine.

Hope that helped somewhat. Like I said, analogies aren't my forte. Feel free to jump in and help me out other reviewers.

If that didn't help? Ask about books that have good world building. Read them and learn. See how other authors in the fandom do it.

> Actually, I am aiming for that high, despite the chapters being a tad small
Just don't take 30 chapters to explain your world to us.

>>107252

Don't think I should argue anon? Huh... guess I can't please everyone.

Oh, the irony in your post... which I'm sure is what you were going for. Just please try to offer something helpful next time. That's what I did.

There's a difference between being downright petty and slipping a petty sentence into my response.

>>107254

You're right. I should stop. I do believe that is it for me then. I think we've exhausted this topic at the moment.

<< Picture related: RS, Google is your friend.
>> No. 107262
File 133990520675.png - (144.11KB , 438x496 , 1335825938289.png )
107262
>>107253
>Damn, that name will stick with me forever, won't it?
Names are names. What you should be worried about is the reputation that is attached to whatever name you use.

>But there's where I don't understand: as we are arguing about the basics of world-building, I have yet to see examples of how it is done. That, quite frankly, shocks me, because---despite whether or not how irrelevant the post I linked to was---it was still an example of my understanding of it.
You don't look at other fanfiction for world building. You want to look at some real fiction. I suggest A Song of Fire and Ice for developing political intrigue and relationships between powerful enemies and allies. Fahrenheit 451 to build societies. The Inheritance Cycle is interesting if only for the way it develops rules of magic. Ender's Game is good for interpersonal relationships. I'm sorry if these aren't good enough examples, I'm sorry but this is all I can come up with off the top of my head.

>Then show me! It's the Internet, and as such I don't take immediate trust to someone who claims they've done something or know something that I don't unless they prove it by showing me. You may have it down, but the lack of examples doesn't get me anywhere nor does it help me.
And the fact that you are too lazy to go looking yourself, and demand that someone deliver examples for you is astoundingly idiotic.

>So far, the discussion has been about the concepts of world-building. Yet, the original conversation was about what was wrong with mine. No one offered any clear indication to a problem beyond: What's a protus? What happened to Equestria? What are the environments like?
Then, it is quite simple. You are introducing items, elements, and settings that the reader is not familiar with and yet don't spend any time showing what they are and explaining. I got all that reading two lines of your complaining. So I can only think of two explanations. Either you're an idiot, or trolling. Please be the latter.

>However, don't you think the other should take a bit more time to answer? The final word on what a protus is is going to be given in Part II, whilst the next one is to be hinted at throughout the story.
Why in Celestia's mane do you think that readers will willingly string along hoping that you'll explain? This is the internet, and it has many, many distractions. It is not the same as a book. Books are a more willful decision. When I go buy a Daring Do novel, I am monetarily committed to reading it. When I open a bad fanfiction, it takes all of three seconds for me to close out and go to play some dinky Flash game or talk to my friends or go outside and practice. You are doing it wrong.

>Anyway, please: elaborate on what you're trying to say. All I get is opinion of what you know about world-building, and I have yet to see any clear examples that you do.
You want examples that anonymous people on the internet? You wouldn't know if they were truth or ghost written. Sir, you have to trust reviewers in that they know what they are talking about, on some level at least. Normally if you have reviewed before or are a competent writer you can tell the idiots from the gems.
>> No. 107268
File 133990658424.jpg - (9.89KB , 300x202 , noxhateproof.jpg )
107268
>>107262

>pic related
>> No. 107269
File 133990676177.jpg - (3.44KB , 125x125 , 133969466565.jpg )
107269
>>107262
>Fahrenheit 451 to build societies.
...Am I the only one that DIDN'T like the way the author portrayed the world? Other than the fact is just engulfs you in description to being with.
>> No. 107292
File 133991336538.png - (282.97KB , 526x353 )
107292
Please sage your posts.
>> No. 107338
Title: The Zodiac Ritual
Author: CyborgSamurai
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure], [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Due to the Elements of Harmony being smashed while Twilight was trying to activate them in the battle against Nightmare Moon, half of their power was transferred to the Mane 6. Two months later, Celestia sends thirteen members of the Royal Guard to monitor the Bearers in secret for signs of their latent powers beginning to manifest.

The Elements of Harmony cannot be used until the Bearers have fully recovered, but time is not something that the members of the Royal Guard have, for they carry a secret of their own.

Chapters Requesting for Review: Chapter 8 & 9

Links- (Comments are enabled)
Chapter 8: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KufEYLwzxFKRXHNtOVMqE_yj479fewyJ35PLdjetIRs/edit
Chapter 9: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ADzi9XZrgeiZEPKskU_iCGtuVX-nOeK8xqgHphVLPS8/edit

Comments: Line-by-line would be appreciated. Looking for general editing advice and thoughts on character development in correlation to the canon. (Want feedback if the Mane6 in the chapters are OOC or not.)

***Reading of previous chapters is not necessary for the feedback I'm seeking!***
>> No. 107347
>>107246

First of all, I hope you get well soon. It’s a bit unfortunate that I didn’t receive a review that looks deeper into the fundamental problems of my story, but it doesn’t bother me too much because I didn’t really expect to get a review at all after I virtually begged to be ignored in my submission post, and because I already figured that the story most likely wasn’t funny. I think that I partially understand what’s wrong with it.

I am aware that I didn’t create a proper setup at the beginning of the story but rather told about an event that is completely separated from the other sections. After the second part of the story, it is already predictable what is going to happen at the climax, but there is still a huge, 1000 word long section in between where I superfluously tried to create tension. The climax itself consists basically only of a single joke in many variations, the short interlude before the ending only extends this joke unnecessarily, and the last part is too long.

I can’t say much with regard to repetitions, because I don’t know which ones are meant. However, most of the repetitive scenes in the story are intentionally written that way, either as a joke or—in the case of the somewhat redundant conversations between Twilight and Rarity, Spike, and Mrs. Cake—in order to emphasize Twilight’s stubbornness. I don’t think that the repetitiveness (is this even a word?!) is necessarily a problem, but I probably overdid it.

The problem with these problems is that I think it would be of no great use to fix them, because whatever I do, a basic issue will remain: The whole point of the story is that Pinkie starts sneezing random stuff when she has a cold. Even if I rewrite the beginning, shorten the story and reduce the number of repetitions, it will still be predictable, with the sole difference that there will only be the sneezing joke left instead of a more voluminous story with other jokes (regardless of how good they are…).

The only way I can see to correct this is to write a completely new story, but I don’t think that the basic idea of Pinkie Pie catching a cold is worth it. Moreover, the structure of the story as it is now was intentional. I wanted to write it in the fashion of an actual episode, slowly turning to the absurd.

So I guess that all I can do is to make the best of a story that was predestined to be mediocre at best, that’s why I submitted it to TTG, and for this purpose, the comments on the first half of the story are very useful. This fic is something like an experiment, written in order to find out if I am even suited for writing or if I should let it be.

Therefore, while more detailed remarks concerning why the story isn’t funny would be welcome, what I’m more interested in is in which way the story isn’t funny. Is it “A mediocre story, but the author displays some writing skills”-unfunny, or is it “A bad story, but the author could do better with enough practice”-unfunny, or is it “What the [insert swear word] is this piece of trash, the author should burn in hell”-unfunny? I know that it is not possible to determine how good an author is by just reading his first, crude work and that the opinion of a single reviewer shouldn’t be the only clue for me to decide on whether I should write more stories, but it would be interesting…

So, thank you for your review. It may not be detailed, but it confirms my speculations about the quality of the story, and since I don’t intend to make fundamental changes because I don’t think that I am able to eliminate the main problem, the comments in the google doc are enough for a revision. However, it may be that I didn’t understand the actual problem at all, so if anyone else would like to take a look at my story, I would appreciate it, but I don’t think that it is so promising that it deserves another review. Therefore the review of my fic can be considered as finished.
>> No. 107383
Title: Slender
Name: Lynked
Tags: Dark

Synopsis: Speak no evil, only breathe. Hear no evil, only listen. See no evil, only darkness... or so the tale goes.
Twilight Sparkle retires an old tome to the shelves one final time, having more than enough spooks for one night. Now with Spike away at Applebloom's, she can relax, because after all, a story is just a story... right?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28657/Slender

Comments: I've submitted to Equestria Daily twice.
The first time, I received: This cannot be forwarded to the pre-readers. This contains basic errors in hyphen use and semicolon use, among other things.
The second time: Many errors remain. You might want to get some outside help with this one.

Neither time went to the prereaders, yet I'm not sure why. So clarification on that, even if it's a guess, would be nice.

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 107385
Tags: [Sad][Comedy][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: When Twilight receives one of the original journals of Starswirl the Bearded from Princess Luna, she can’t wait to try the spells inside it – but the books magic turns out to be a bit more then Twilight can handle, as her reckless experimentation leads to her accidentally bringing her reflection to life. At first, Twilight decides she quite likes the idea of having a copy around the library. But seeing herself from an outside perspective makes Twilight realize there are some parts of her personality she doesn’t care for, forcing her to confront her issues.

Written in the same format as the show, save that it is longer and addresses somewhat sadder themes. No objectionable content or OC characters, focuses heavily on the mane cast.

Link: https://docs.google.com/?pli=1#folders/0B90Wg9JitxZhVVgzWlN3aG1UWjg

Comments:
Got one strike for grammar, brought it to TTG, and then got a second strike for grammar after. EQD proofreader said this story needs, quote, "Careful and patient attention to fix the numerous grammatical errors that render this otherwise enjoyable and interesting story unfit for publications."

In short, I need a proofreader who really knows their English and is willing to help someone who apparently does not. I really, really do not want that third strike.
>> No. 107386
Crap, bad link!

Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B90Wg9JitxZhVVgzWlN3aG1UWjg/edit
>> No. 107388
Crap, bad link!

Link: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B90Wg9JitxZhVVgzWlN3aG1UWjg/edit
>> No. 107392
Since it's not been said yet, if you guys that are submitting stories review something in return, it would be greatly appreciated. So appreciated, in fact, that it would probably be the difference between waiting a month to see a review on your work and two days. The regular reviewers really appreciate it when you give back to the community, enough to prioritize those who give back over those who don't.

Thank you in advance.
>> No. 107403
>>107392
I assume anyone is free to review, all we need to do is say we are reviewing a certain story?

If so, I'm willing to give it a go.
>> No. 107409
(From 2012 11:48 AM No. 107360)

The Discordian's Daughter MZero Sun, Jun 17,

Author: MZero

E-mail: [email protected]

Tags: #adventure# #comedy#

Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle discovers a pony imprisoned beneath the Canterlot Archives. Should she free her?

Link: [url] https://docs.google.com/document/d/16PC7qfxq0ND6N5vc0cJuUfUgNcmf0w6hcqmzf4ap8I4/edit [/url]

Notes:

This is the prologue and first three chapters of a fic I'm working on. I'm looking to gauge interest and get feedback before I go any further as I am starting to realize how much time this takes. I am a 100% Fan Fiction n00b, MLP or otherwise, so any advice or help is appreciated. There is no need to proofread as I am a perfect writer and would never make such silly mistakes. The previous sentence is false.
>> No. 107445
Tags: [Shipping][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Some ponies are masters at the art of love, always seeming to know exactly what to say and do to win the affection of the pony of their dreams.

Lyra is not one of these ponies.

When Lyra finds herself attached to the clockmaker, Doctor Whooves, she can't seem to find the right things to say or do whenever she's around him. Will Lyra be able to win the affection of one of Ponyville's most sought-after bachelors, or will she continue to end up speechless?

Story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24905/The-Time-of-Day
EqD Message: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KS6nUHfM2pGX0P9idYqDBmjfwYJCPJcbh1O4Sxta8vE/edit

Additional Comments: I would like to point out that I have fixed most of the technical aspects that EqD has suggested, and I've also worked on cutting down the LUS.
>> No. 107459
The Rock Ballad of Prisoner #1456396

Tags: [Tragedy], [Sad], [HiE]

Synopsis: An attempt at writing a classic rock ballad, we follow the life of a convicted murderer as he is sent to the death chamber to pay price for his crimes. But, no matter what someone has done in their past life, sometimes, all it takes to achieve true happiness is to have someone to care for, to hold, to protect, and to die for. And does this happiness extend to the afterlife?

Please Review- Act One: Bohemian Rhapsody ft. Tyrone Carter

This is a three part act, and while this is short little experiment of mine to get me back into writing, please take your valuable time to read it and give me feedback. It is far from being completed, and I relish the chance to hear your comments. Have it it! I especially want comments on the formatting. Thanks!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ho7WuQ4QZW6U5hy9RMiG5eSVhjNpWHbPOaBtsQYvq6Q/edit
>> No. 107496
>>107403
Yes.
>> No. 107513
>>104318

Hopefully I got this right. Going to try out this reviewing thang! And I'll look at this one.
>> No. 107536
File 133998765474.png - (140.63KB , 298x213 , handshake.png )
107536
>>107513
Much obliged, Still Waters. Much obliged. ;)
>> No. 107562
[Grimdark][Adventure]

When Kite, a young pegasus from Cloudsdale, finally earns his cutie mark, he finds that it isn't quite what he had in mind. Claiming he's been given the wrong one, a pair of ponies show up and offer to take him to a place where he can have the mark changed.

Chapter 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xLSRxITLwRnOBz3KyoKu0ERxNXDXH8aP2B_o-cN4lN4/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GqtfVxhnGa6CUkuSwV5n0W6ZHeGqNCScB58vCSwjmEI/edit

I have 1 (one) request that is mainly for convenience of the reviewer: If you are a reviewer who likes to comment on the Gdoc as you go, I recommend that you first look at the message I've left at the start of chapter one. If you don't normally post comments then everything will be fine.
>> No. 107566
>>102838

Claiming.

Should have kept this in the above post but claimed because I know what it's like to go waiting weeks for a review.

Also because I'm not very chan savy (Chan, am I saying that right?) I'm just gonna hope that this all comes out right.
>> No. 107571
>>107566

Oh, thank you very much. I'm so glad you've decided to take the time, and I hope that you will find some enjoyment in reading it.
>> No. 107638
File 134001245227.jpg - (9.44KB , 225x224 , under a tree.jpg )
107638
Title: The Day It Began
Tags: [Comedy][Adventure[HiE]
Word Count: 6558
Synopsis: One fateful day Twilight uses a summoning spell to bring a mysterious being from another world to Equestria. Unknown to her this sets off a chain of events that will change the world forever. It is up to Twilight and her new visitor to decide if these changes will be for the better.

Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14HSOecTuGBBkb41i4PtD9I1HZEzKk9xDwonKVgWQC18/edit


I was sent here by the pre-readers at EQD.

Here is a link to what i was told.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D2d7EaHU_hrm6dT273n7EjywdgitcsDbBZABNHxpZz0/edit
>> No. 107639
Title: In Flame
Author: SteelEagle
Email: [email protected] (Funnily enough, forgot password so it is somewhat useless)
Tags: [dark][tragedy][sad][adventure]
Words: 11,640
Chapters: Two of many. (Third will be up in teh next few days)
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31014/In-Flame
Synopsis: War has a way of searing more than pelt. As the ponies of Equestria engage in a titanic struggle for survival, it will take a stout few to weather the cackling mania that threatens to consume all.


EqD Rejected, following comments:
Hyphen and Em dash confusion, and outright Em dash misuse. Considerable ambiguity in narration.
Comma splices. Ellipses abuse.
Quotation mark mistakes, especially on continuing monologues across paragraphs.
Extraneous spaces. Overuse of conjunctions to begin narrative sentences.
Gets quite purple at times. (I don't know what this means.)
Breaking established tone in your narration.

(He did enjoy the story, however. Huzzah?)

Thank you for your time, I appreciate what y'all are doing here. First time Chan user.
>> No. 107654
>>107639
I'll take this one.
>> No. 107656
>>107639
Oh... It looks like this hasn't been submitted to the queue at all.

http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit

Use this.
>> No. 107695
File 134005624960.jpg - (40.02KB , 338x351 , Stallion Comics Cover.jpg )
107695
Title: Stallion Comics: Spike and the Power of Awesome Manliness
Genre Tags: [Random][Adventure][Comedy]
Synopsis: Among some boxes of donated books for Twilight's library, Spike finds some awesome comic books. One of them grants him the power of awesome manliness. Readers beware: this story grow chest hair when read, even to ladies.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RPJzF48fafMCfSNR8hgASXK3r4TwuyT4u6NEqpOz6UI/edit
>> No. 107696
>>104318

For convenience I did most of my 'reviewing' to the author in comments, over here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14JUvb2xxAaFOftQB5l_1cEp9t6Omh2lXvRt4fkqv978/edit

and in emails directly to him. General thoughts on the fic as it stands at the moment.

-could use a little expanding on in a few spots to get the reader more information
-cute character dynamics, and their relationship
-some neat imagery used, some lines that didn't quite hit the mark. But good stuff nonetheless.
-It's incomplete! Blargh! XD Gogogo, write!

Seems like I'll be taking a look at the fic again in the future, once more's been written. Looking forward to that!
>> No. 107705
Tags: Sad, normal, slice of life.

Synopsis: When a close friend dies, Rainbow Dash gets wrought with guilt over the loss. Thinking it was her fault, and her decision that made her friend die. Now she is left to deal with the aftermath of the death.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/166rxqr9bI4VQ7nVqnwX8eoo6ZQt_bxV3w6rZ5FdiiEI/edit
>> No. 107708
Please help with the synopsis in addition to the chapter

[Dark] [Adventure] [Alternate Universe] [Human]

It is a new era on Earth, an era humans such as Jack Beckett are wary of. Civilization is in a tough spot, and a new continent appears in the middle of the Pacific Ocean; its pony citizens bringing promises of utopic peace, freedom, and harmony. The catch? You must give up your own humanity and become a pony yourself. Many do, and see this as an opportunity to bring about a better Earth. Jack Beckett and the Human Liberation Front, however, see something entirely different.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NBDg0FYkxSYCXZFwZOgvo8lQ2V3ZzIb7Sn3U1P7adBU/edit

Note: I've had someone look over this, and it was mostly typo/grammar errors. Link is most recent version.
>> No. 107709
File 134006230114.png - (280.69KB , 1600x1328 , lyra___bubbles___by_alex4nder02-d52yrvt.png )
107709
[Title] Red Wings
[Tags] Dark, Sad, Adventure
[Synopsis] This is an official End of Ponies side story, written with permission from Short Skirts and Explosions.

Red is a Diamond Dog that survived the cataclysm that brought about the end of Equestria. He lives in the Wasteland, operating a mechanic shop and airstrip. His life is simple; he spends his days working on airships and serving his pack.As a stormfront blows overhead, Red remembers a chance encounter with the Last Pony, and sets out on an adventure, determined to hunt down the last equine in the world.
[Word Count - Chapter 1] - 11,190
Link to g-doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-q2Jb2tSZWxYO1rZ1RAOGObwfDD3h5RX4nROfwBv9p8/edit]Red Wings

This is my first work of fanfiction, and my first pony-related fic. I've done other writing in the past, but nothing quite so ambitious. If you're wondering, I do have permission from Short Skirts and Explosions to write this story - it's a canonical side story to his epic tale, End of Ponies. Reading End of Ponies is not necessary to understand Red Wings, as I've put a lot of work into making it able to stand on it's own two legs, but you'll certainly get additional enjoyment out of it if you've read End of Ponies.
>> No. 107711
File 134006291657.png - (225.09KB , 435x426 , ScootOhNo.png )
107711
>>107709

Broke my link. Here's the correct link to the document:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-q2Jb2tSZWxYO1rZ1RAOGObwfDD3h5RX4nROfwBv9p8/edit
>> No. 107760
>>107739
Rule 4 of the sticky:
>If you request more than one review, you must make the fact that you have done so known to everyone you have requested a review from.
You've posted in three review threads: Here, Muttations, and Science Brony.
>> No. 107762
>>107760
Ah. Did not RTFM. My apologies.
>> No. 107764
>>107566

Okay, done.

I would like to begin by saying that this is the first fanfiction that I've reviewed. I'm not saying this to earn points for newbies or something. I mention this so that what I'm about to say makes more sense.

You will notice that I haven't really left a huge amount of comments. The main reasons is because I'm reluctant to pick at every single tiny detail as doing so could simply be my style of writing conflicting with yours. Neither of us have a "wrong" style of writing, they're just different.

Onto the story:

Chitin and Chrysalis relationship explodes into play and then vanishes almost entirely until the hunting scene in chapter 2. You don't have the "shipping" tag on the story so I can only assume that their relationship isn't going to play a huge role. The other issue here is that their relationship is brought up in a very deep way (mating) immediately after Chrysalis mentions how all members of the hive are her children. When I read that I developed a sense of dread about where this was going to go. Granted, it is possible that you don't mean children in a literal sense. Instead it may be similar to how people may refer to a priest as "father." Anyway, that's just something to think about.

We've already discussed how Chrysalis's morning routine stretches on for quite a while. Her being bored sort of comes through at the beginnings of chapters 1 and 2 but then (chapter 1 at least) is buried under a lot of detail about the hive. You could try having more insight into what Chrysalis is thinking. There's already quite a bit there but not much of it seems dedicated to the message that Chrysalis is bored.

The fact that honey is made from love (with love in every drop... sorry) didn't really come through for me until you explained it. I didn't actually notice anything suggesting the connection of love and honey until you told me. Then again I just may not have noticed it so if it is there, point it out.

Story is hinted at in the first chapter but not enough. This left me wondering where you're going despite the synopsis.

There were several instances where you mention changelings being hypnotically attracted to fire. I found the thought rather interesting but you didn't really draw it out into anything else. Rather than lots of description about the hive, you could show the reader what's going on in Chrysalis' head as she looks at the candle during her surgery. Something like:

"Her eyes lost themselves in the dancing flame yadda yadda yadda."
Then it's suddenly an hour later and the candle is down to a stump. Something along those lines. This may really be a personal preference but I think the psychology of changelings would be more interesting.

Opening of chapter two I feel portrays her boredom better but I may just be noticing that because I'm now looking for it.

End of chapter two and the story is only just beginning to surface. Unfortunately I can only tell this because the synopsis says that this is the story. I don't think you should be relying on the synopsis to let the reader know when they've reached the main story.

Although you would be cutting A TON of stuff, I feel as though maybe the eggs should start hatching by the end of chapter one. It would be quite a job to trim that much though and you mentioned this was already posted somewhere (?)

Anyway, that's the bulk of what I can think of. As mentioned, this is my first job of reviewing a fanfic so in the likely event that I've left something out, I'll be hanging around for quite a while to bounce ideas back and forth and answer any issues that may remain.
>> No. 107787
>>107764

First and foremost, thank you for your time. I will perform some major restructuring, maybe not so much removing content as pushing it around between Chapters 1 through 3. I suppose only have one question at this point.

First of all, when I get a review done, as many times as someone can say "This is for your benefit as a writer" and such, when the reviewer starts pointing out all of the flaws with it, I start to get antsy. I have the "They haven't said a single thing good about it. They must hate it." sort of mind-set. So my question is...did you hate it?
>> No. 107814
File 134009981922.png - (295.57KB , 900x1200 , lyra_riding_bonbon_by_adcoon-d47s8kk.png )
107814
>>104023
Let's get it on.
>> No. 107818
File 134011082606.png - (545.70KB , 714x550 , NiGHTS_and_Ristar_Crossover_by_anotherblazehedgehog.png )
107818
>>107696
Thank you very much for the review; you helped to spot a lot of weaknesses and plot holes that are really going to strengthen my story when I patch them all up. My hat goes off to you, Still Waters!
>> No. 107823
>>107818

Thank you, was fun ^^
>> No. 107842
Email: [email protected]
Screenname: GlueFactory
Tags: Adventure, Comedy

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24084/The-Road-to-Ponyville

Synopsis: It’s one misadventure after another for Pinkie Pie and Rarity as they hoof it home. They'll throw down with angry locals, empty stomachs, tourist traps and the largest confection this side of Equestria. It's not just a question of can make it home. Can they do it together?

I've gone though two attempts at submitting this story to Equestria Daily. I'm looking for help regarding proofreading and grammar editing as it's become very difficult for me to find them all.

Also, any thoughts on the story itself by and large would always be helpful.

Here's that last email I received from EqD:


"'Tap tap tap,' went Rarity's window, jerking her eyes open." / It's usually better to describe the sound rather than rely on the imitation of the sound.

"A-hem, Pardon misseau, another plate of donuts if you please." / Pardon would not be capitalized.

"More donuts for booth 12," / General rule of thumb, numbers should be spelled out.

"...and I stopped counting cactuseses when I reached one thousand..." / Cactuses'

"The two mares both breathed a sigh of relief, and shared a hopeful glance.", "'Whew,' breathed Pinke." / Redundant. Also, typo.

"Her head hung low, Rarity's twitched at Pinkie who continued to bounce along the track like she was back home in Ponyville." / Missing word and missing comma.

"Well, the whole Nightmare Moon thing was pretty messy, And Discord escaping, that was real mess if ever I saw one." / Improper capitalization.

"...interrupted Rarity, slightly shuttering from the memory." / Shuddering is the word you're looking for, shuttering is a completely different word.

"Greetings from Dodge Junction! Best railroad service on the Equestrian frontier! Wish you were here!'" / Missing start quotation.

"It shouldn't be possible to feel worse in her situation, but Rarity did." / "Shouldn't" is rather conditional and vague, by whom defines what shouldn't be possible if not the story itself?

"'If I weren’t such a lady, I’d knock some sense into that cotton candy head of yours.'." / Unnecessary punctuation.

"Ha ha *snort* ha ha ha! Ha ha ha *snort*!" / Actions should never be intertwined with dialogue.

"Woah.... heh, thanks Rarity," / An ellipsis is always three dots.

"Pinkie, gave the briefest of pauses." / Unnecessary comma.

"The range of emotions that went through Rarity's face fill a encyclopedia on confusion and revulsion." / Missing word. Also, grammatical error: a vs an.

"'Oh, not that,' pshaw’ed Pinkie." / Pshaw is most common as an interjection, something that is said or uttered, the form pshaw'ed isnt formally a word (or at least none of which I can find).

I'll cut myself off at this point as this could on and on. The story is a humorous one but held back by a myriad of errors. Spelling, grammer, punctuation, capitalization, all the basics need much more attention before I can find this ready for posting. This being the second strike of three, I would strongly recommend finding an editor if possible (if you dont already), with only one strike to go it would be best not to squander it and take as much time as needed to fix the many errors throughout the piece.

- Pre-reader #12


Any help would be appreciated. Thank you
>> No. 107844
>>107695
Claiming.

While surfing a Killer Whale along the crumbling avalanche of a melting glacier that I melted by ripping my shirt open, while simultaneously high-fiving and punching out a polar bear. And it's night, and there's a meteor shower made of radioactive rocks in addition to an aurora borealis made of cosmic rays, both of which give the penguin hordes super-powers so that I can fight them for more than two seconds. And I have sunglasses on even though it is night.

The killer whale is also wearing sunglasses. YES, I KNOW HE HAS NO EARS YOU MAY SHUT UP NOW SIR OR MADAM.

The review should be done soon. Really. As soon as that polar bear stops giving me crap. That's just the sort of thing you have to put up with when you like fights.
>> No. 107854
Title: Sparkling Cider
Author: NightsGlory
Email: [email protected]
Tags: #Shipping
Synopsis: Twilight rushes home one evening due to a horribly embarrassing event that has just transpired in her life. When Spike finally gets her to talk about it, she tells him of her newly found crush, and how she may have messed up any chance she had at a relationship. With the advice from her number one assistant and friend Applejack, can Twilight fix what happened and get a second chance with her crush?
Link : http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31946/1/Sparkling-Cider/Sparkling-Cider
EQD Pre-reader Comments
•Ellipses misuse
•Capitalization mistakes // AJ (I=Ah). Same issue with Big Mac. Consistency is the issue here.
•Lil’ // The contraction is li’l
•Awkward phrasing // His eyes had an aloof nature to them / Twilight’s blush was coming to her face
•LUS // the lavender bookworm, the large red stallion, etc
•>…? // Do not combine strong ending punctuation marks other than ?!
•Use a hyphen to connect compound modifiers not ending in “ly”

So this is my first fanfiction ever, and it's been up on FiMFiction for a while. I submitted it to EQD, and they sent me here to have it reviewed. I did a self edit before I submitted it to EQD, and had a buddy look over it as well. I'm just looking for another opinion and any help I can get. Thanks in advance!
>> No. 107856
>>107787

Yeah I didn't mention that did I. I'm not going to say I liked it because that is more of a matter of personal opinion and I was kind of on the fence about this. To dispel whatever fears you may have, I can honestly say that it is leaps and bounds better than a majority of the other fanfictions washing around in limbo before they're accepted somewhere. You have a real sense of the written word that many other people lack. That being said, be mindful of little mistakes like word repetition and awkwardly long or wordy sentences as you write.

I found it to be a more original take on the ins and outs of changelings than I would think is normal. By that I mean that in my mind, all changeling drones are like mindless cells of a larger organism and only the queens have any free will or sentience. This went in the opposite direction which was an interesting turn,

While I think of it, Chrysalis mentions that she thinks of all members of the hive as her children. You also write that there are times in which multiple hive members other than the queen are permitted to mate or reproduce or something. Does that mean that they aren't all her children and she's only thinking this in a non-literal sense?

Anyway, no I didn't hate it.
>> No. 107857
>>107856

Thank you. It's just nice to hear that you aren't the worst.

Like I said earlier, revision and restructuring abound. There's plenty of work to do here. Perhaps when I'm finished and the new chapters 1, 2, and 3 come up on the thread, you might drop in a see what it's like, if you have the time.
>> No. 107861
>>104557 Super Mario Galaxy: Equestrian Stars by warpd

I suppose it is time to emerge from my lurking to give back to the community. I will do my best, coach.

You're looking for feedback on premise/plot, dialogue, and grammar/sentence structure. I can help you with the first two, but in order to help you with the last I need you to enable comments on your GoogleDoc, (it's so much easier to go through, both for you and me.)

I'll wait until tomorrow to see if you enable them, otherwise I'll just give you help with premise and dialogue.
>> No. 107880
File 134015929741.png - (264.76KB , 383x468 , Cloudchaser133290073832.png )
107880
>>104330
Wow, this has been here for over half a month. I guess I'll take it.
>> No. 107888
Title: The Equestrian Revolution
Author/Screenname: Rarity's Stallion
Tags: [Adventure][Dark]
Synopsis: 10 years in the future, the Mane Six have each essentially moved on with their lives, pursuing their own passions and nurturing their budding careers. However, when the residents of Ponyville feel that Princess Celestia is ignoring their concerns over a situation threatening local businesses, a series of events is set in motion which eventually manage to bring the monarchy and all of Equestria to its knees. The Mane Six, each having been caught up in these events one way or another, must now answer the question of what they value more: their careers and ideals, or their friendship with each other?

Links:
Chapter 1: Do No Harm
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GDl-7P9d7PbdD-Zi7PW04HfrRZpBaBAQZobfPOFiUX4/edit
>> No. 107898
File 134016772022.png - (120.61KB , 441x238 , noxbowdown.png )
107898
>>107888

Since I have some time tomorrow, I'll be taking this. I'll probably have it done by Thursday, though there's no guarantees.
>> No. 107915
File 134017934577.png - (350.89KB , 2050x1100 , 103463 - artist-kanistorshik Bonbon Lyra transparent_bg.png )
107915
>>104023
Well, here's another of my ramblings whereby I give my unsolicited opinions on a fellow TTG fic. I shall repeat the disclaimer that I am not the authoritative anon on the matter of English and all opinions should be taken with a barrel of salt. Also, this being an extremely long fic, I have read only up to Chapter Five, and all comments are based on these first five chapters.

With that, let's begin.

Since you submitted a FimFic story, I took the liberty of doing a line-by-line for your first chapter. You can see why we all preferred GDocs submissions.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YEWR7Z5PFvWpjnN5zno81ocuvVaaI8orYFF42v0JO1M/edit

At any rate, you seem to have a problem with punctuation, so let me link Ezn's Guide, where you can read up all about the wonderful world of proper and correct dialogue punctuation.
http://derpy.me/EznGuide

Aside from those small derps, your grammar seemed mostly solid. Nothing wrong stood out, though you might want a reviewer with better grasp of grammar than I to recheck your work. You do however, need to work on your word choices. Some are utterly unsuited for the role you placed them in. For example:
>For the second time he lurched about, narrowly dodging a dangerous crash.
You may avoid a dangerous crash, or you may dodge a dangerous rock. You do not dodge a crash.

Onto your story,
I have a big problem with your pacing. It starts off very slow, with nothing to hint on what the hay is going on. Even after the Royal Guards were mobilised, you do not tell us what is going on, which is frustrating, considering you're trying to convey a sense of panic and urgency, which kind of failed here. Instead, you focused on the interactions between the new guardspony and the folks of Ponyville. You waited till Chapter 5 before finally giving us a hint of what caused Celestia to mobilise in the first place. What is missing here is the spark that prompted this. Without that reason, the whole plotline seemed contrived just to get the guardsponies to Ponyville and breaks suspension of belief.

As for your characters, I am quite wary of you shipping Everbold with Luna in the first place. The heck is this? I do hope there's a good reason why Luna is heads-over-hell in love with a dead unicorn. (I think.)

At least your OC guards have a character of their own, though they fall into somewhat groan-inducing stereotypes. Everbold, the bright enthusiatic rookie. Ramrod, the stick-in-the-mud sergeant. Wildfire, the wiseass. Thunderbolt, the charmer. Not that stereotypes are bad, but do try to give them other attributes to stand out.

There were also some inconsistency with your mane six characterisation, but nothing too bad. I have noted such in the GDoc I linked, but I think it bears repeating here. Rarity is not a love-starved attention hors. Please do not portray her as such. Even her audience is wrong. Rarity wants to be famous amongst the upper-crust of Equestria, not to be waited on by mere guardsponies. Keep that in mind. Admittedly, this might be nitpicky, but I think my complaint is valid.

Otherwise, your plot is fairly interesting once it actually picks up in Chapter Five, but that's the extent I got to. You really need to get to the point faster.

If you would like me to continue, please say so in response to my review.
>> No. 107916
>>107709
>>107711

I'd like to withdraw my request for a review of my story, Red Wings.

I've found a few people to edit and review my story outside of this thread, and so I'd rather not take up somebody's time reviewing a story that is already being taken care of. There's a lot of people that are looking to get their stories reviewed, and they deserve their chance to get the once-over from you folks without me taking up valuable time. Thank you very much for your consideration!
>> No. 107922
Tags: [Comedy][Crossover][Dark]

Synopsis: After enduring fifteen years of absolute chaos, the RED Soldier became well-versed in the workings of inter-dimensional law. When his old roommate, Merasmus the Magician, sent him into a new dimension and locked the portal behind him, it was just another day on the job. Or so he thought.

Links:
Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TFWo7mA6wUijARYCvi8743vaLU-W3Q8raMiECMfaCtc/edit

Comments: This was originally a story called "Friendship is Mercenaries." However, I've decided to take the basic setup from that story, "The RED Soldier is sent to Equestria," and take it in a ludicrous new direction. Where that direction's going to go, I'm not entirely sure yet. This is still very much in-progress. Keep that in mind, folks.
>> No. 107925
>>107360
I'm gonna go ahead and take a look at The Discordian's Daughter while I'm here.
>> No. 107929
>>107925
Aaaand we're done!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12g0cQZdMtGEL-nVbSg_MzpD5ImleNtRVcXQo2-H3jgQ/edit

Your review is in the document, sir. In the future, please make sure the original document has comments enabled so that the process can be quickened.
>> No. 107934
File 134020184575.jpg - (6.05KB , 213x237 , son_i_am_proud.jpg )
107934
>>107764
>pic

>>104352
RE: goldar, still working on it. Progress will be slow but if need be, I'll stop doing line-by-line and give you an overall instead. It's partially because of the line-by-line that this is going slowly (and totally not because I've spent the past three days in the Australian countryside, oh no). So no, haven't forgotten about you.
>> No. 107939
>>107929
Thank you so much! Sorry about the comments thing.

Pretty much everything you said I agree with and most of it crossed my mind before as I was writing it. It was good to get some confirmation.

Some FYIs, I agree Reggie is not a good pony name. In an earlier draft (yes I've been working on this a while), he was a much more goofy character and I wanted him to have a corny name. Obviously I changed him but for some reason didn't change the name.

"Willow" is not a reference for anything other than the character's design. If it sounds like something else, it's coincidence.

I think the biggest thing I took away from it (other than the grammatical stuff) was that I need to make the tone more clear. It's difficult because the tone is somewhere between light and dark. Towards the end of the story (slight spoiler) it becomes more dark, so maybe I should lean towards that.

I was pleased to read your reaction to Willow as it was exactly what I was going for. I wanted her to be likeable yet weird. So my first thought? A hippie!

Anyway, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.
>> No. 107960
>>107861

This was quite the way to be inducted into the ways of reviewing. I feel enlightened. What can I say? I'm a helper.

Soooooo, 6 hours of work later, I have feedback for you! It's a lot. So much that I had to put it all in two separate GoogleDocs.

Grammar Review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jwfvDtj-e7OwEXy6HEfYzLKoVeHpdzELtM8bG248os4/edit
Summary & Feedback Review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V6H2Oj-K_LZVJbuqyXQj8rv_EQFvqLnmpLGWhA4Tr-Y/edit

If you do nothing else with my feedback, I hope you at least read the Protips. They will help you immensely.

Most important thing: KEEP WRITING. You're never going to get better if you don't try.

And now, back to my own story.
>> No. 107962
File 134022198374.png - (1.53MB , 1501x2250 , 117908 - artist-tetrapony cello Lyra.png )
107962
>>105028
Claiming this. Expect a review tomorrow-ish.
>> No. 107965
>>107960
Ouch, start over from scratch...I already have twenty chapters on FIMfiction and this is just the first chapter. I really wish I knew this place existed before I wrote that much. So the idea is fun, its just that my writing ability sucks.

An idea document dump, what exactly is that?
>> No. 107976
>>107965

I never said you sucked. I said you need more practice. Now, if you gave up and never wrote again, I might be more inclined to say something along those lines.

An idea document dump, (at least how I define it) is a document where you dump ideas. It has no structure, no rules, and no limits. You just write about whatever comes to you. It doesn't even have to pertain to the story if you need a break.

Think of your subconscious like a muscle. It gets stronger the more you use it. But sometimes, it doesn't want to do what you want it to, (aka writer's block.) When that happens, it usually means there is something you haven't thought of or planned out, and now you need to do more planning in order to move forward.

The problem though, is that sometimes you don't know what that thing you need to plan out is. Thus, the idea dump. You start writing, usually about what it is you're having problems with, and ideas will eventually come to you so long as you don't stopper the flow.

One technique I use is called 'ping-ponging'. You treat your subconscious like a separate person, and you and it throw questions at each other back and forth. The key is to not stop. Eventually, 'one of you' will think of something that will lead to solving the problem you're having.

It helps if you use a separate font, (or in my case, italics) for the 'voice' of the subconscious.

Here's an example of ping-ponging from my own idea dump for my story, The Zodiac Ritual, (spoiler free):

Does it really matter exactly when in the week?
Not really, although you have to keep in mind that other things happen in this week, so you can’t push it too far ahead. I’m thinking two days later.

Two days will probably work. That would put it on a Saturday, right?
Yep. Good time for everyone to do something if they wanted… or I could say that something is happening on Sunday. Either way will work.

So what happens the next morning?
The rest of the Chapter is from Twilight’s PoV. What we need to start is the 1-5 events in the timeline.

So Chapter 9 is about Blair and Twilight again?
It’s about Twilight, actually. It opens with Twilight getting back a letter from Princess Celestia saying that she’s sorry she can’t help her, there is a book that she knows of that has the information that she’s looking for, but it’s in the Millennial Archives and you can’t get in there unless you already have your Doctorate. So it’d kinda be cheating. However, she does give her a hint, saying that the Symbol of Magic is closer than she thinks. In fact, it couldn’t be any closer if it were tattooed on her flank… oh wait.

So Celestia tells her that her mark is the Symbol of Magic?
Yeah. And Twilight does the experiment on it to verify it.


Hope that helps.
>> No. 107981
>>107976
I don't really think like that so that may be my problem. Usually when I type I just let the words flow and try to organize it into a plot as I go along. So what I really need to do is go back after I write say a paragraph and figure out if that is what I want to write. Then fix grammatical errors that I wrote.

Should chapter 1 have a different approach? All I have is Mario meeting the ponies and they work together to save the day in episode 2 format.
>> No. 107984
>>107981

Ultimately there are three ways to write a story:
-Plan out every little detail and write
-Plan out nothing at all and write
-Do a little of both and write

There are pros and cons to all three of these methods. If you've found something that works for you that is covering the most important thing, (aka actually writing) then more power to you.

In regards to organizing your story, I will give you some advice. Every single piece of information that you convey to the reader should, (again) do one of three things:

-Develop one or more characters
-Advance the plot
-Worldbuild, (exposition).

If it does none of these three things, then it's irrelevant and should be cut. Think about it. Would you devote a chapter to let's say, Luigi, if he's never going to interact with the other main characters of the story, and his actions/very existence have no effect on the plot? I would hope not.

If you did, your readers are going to be scratching their heads thinking, 'What the hay did you cut to Luigi for?' They're going to be anticipating now that he's going to have some kind of impact on the story, and when they get to the end and realize that he doesn't, they'll get angry.

Which leads me to another Kurt Vonnegut quote: (the man was a genius)

Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

Truth is often simple, eh?
>> No. 107985
>>107984
When I finish rewriting this chapter would you mind reviewing it again or should I go to someone else?
>> No. 107987
>>107985

I would recommend going to somepony else to see what they say. They might see things I didn't. The more eyes you can get on a story, the better.
>> No. 108020
>>107695

Overall summary is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nBeeKQowkGPuxtlYQ8XgA6lYhSqfm3zw1k1N2wbORG8/edit

The line-by-line commentary is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QbW8MJP6lj8piiE4cQ28W4ULraTXoI-oy-R3hGjWq2I/edit

Note that the commentary only covers the first quarter of the work. It should give you what you need to improve the rest of it yourself. I did read the entire thing front to back, and the overall summary makes note of overarching issues.
>> No. 108035
File 134025188039.png - (127.97KB , 634x356 )
108035
>>106740
The bold has been moved as per your request!
>> No. 108045
>>108020

I'm using my android to post this, no internet ATM. I hate writing here so much with this freakin gadget.

Well, it was actually something written on the spot, rushwd. The reason behind this is simple: this was going to be my entry for the write-off, but internet issues didn't allow me to submit it on time. However, I enjoyed the hell outta this, and I wanted to see how far this baby could get. Yes, it's a lame excuse, but that's what happened.

I didn't see the line-by-line review (I cannot see or write comments with this gadget), but I did read the overall stuff, and I agree with what you said.

I may not be a native speaker, but I hate using that as an excuse. My other story is way better, but that's because I invest hours on research, planning and have a really awesome and patient reviewer, while this one was written in a few hours with a half a litre can of beer and Therion thundering on my laptop. And you're right, I loved writing this little piece of crazy. However, I must admit that I'm a proficient comedy writer. I prefer longer stories, with sideplots, a lot of characters and so on. If by any chance you stumble across my "Ponies of the Five Rings", I'm pretty sure you'll notice the difference.

Once the new chapter of my other fic is ready and getting reviewed, I'll start tinkering this one.

Thanks for your time, we'll catch up later.
>> No. 108054
File 134028503313.png - (149.27KB , 600x700 , Lyra-tired.png )
108054
>>105028
Bleep Bloop.

As usual, take my opinions on this fic with a barrel of salt. Comments on technical issues and miscellaneous stuff can be found in the document.

Here, I will comment on your general story and plot.
First off. I tried to like this. I really did. But the forced sad is just that: forced sad. It's just not my cup of tea, unfortunately.

Your AJ here comes off as way too mopey for the death of her dear grandmother. No doubt she loved Granny Smith greatly, but lord, I don't think she would be one to mope around this bad. Not especially since she is generally one of the more level-headed ponies in canon and probably would be the one to handle this with more emotional maturity.

However! If we ignore all that and pretend AJ does break down like that, then I suppose it would be in line on how a grieving person would react. Apple Bloom and Big Mac comes off as a little flat, but nothing too bad yet. I do take issue with your characterisation of Pinkie Pie. She... doesn't sound like her. You need her to be more alive, more bubbly... more intent in cheering AJ up. She does not sit around with somepony to share a quiet moment. (Maybe she would, but I'm really not convinced of this.)

I would note that your pace of the story is quite slow here and it might serve better if you cut some of the more draggy sections.

tl;dr This is probably a good sadfic for those who likes these sort. Some characterisation issues.

Keep writing.
>> No. 108061
>>105049
I'll claim this. Probably won't go over all four in detail, but judging by my preliminary look, there's a lot to go over in the first few chapters, as well as the synopsis. Also, a heads-up: Since this is on FiMfiction, I'll be copy-pasting it over to GDocs to make commenting easier.
>> No. 108069
>>108045

>However, I enjoyed the hell outta this, and I wanted to see how far this baby could get.
Thsi right here is perfect. Always write what you love. If you never allow yourself to have fun, you'll get burnt out very quickly. Never be afraid to take risks and do what you want to do.

>I may not be a native speaker, but I hate using that as an excuse.
And this is why I *never* make fun of people's writing ability. It probably took a lot of courage to write something in a secondary language, just as it takes courage to show your work and ask for advice. I hate it when reviewers just write someone off as a moron... you never know what sort of circumstances they have to put up with.
I'm glad you don't want to use this as an excuse to write poorly. Instead, use it as an excuse to write better! I'm sure writing is a great way to practice your language skills.

>I prefer longer stories, with sideplots, a lot of characters and so on. If by any chance you stumble across my "Ponies of the Five Rings", I'm pretty sure you'll notice the difference.
I'll have to look into this. :)
*One google search later*
Holy Crap. You've got a 5 star story on EQD? Maybe I should be asking YOU for reviews. :)
>> No. 108070
Quickie for y'all smart people: how do you convey sarcasm through body language? A tapping hoof? An eye roll? In context, Celestia is being polite with someone who is wasteing her time with unimportant things in royal court. So, she's trying to be polite, but she's bored out of her skull.

Thanks!
>> No. 108071
Title: Between the Two of Us, There's No Discord
Name: Microshazm
Tags: Comedy (the real tag would be Tragedy/Comedy and hence Tragicomedy, but oh well)
Words: 4357 (one-shot)

Synopsis: Their work environment may seem rather large, their jobs and responsibilities may feel a little overwhelming, and they may have an eternity (or more) until retirement, but put that into perspective, and you might see that the values of higher beings come pretty close to our own.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jsHqL0gGa_UpQ4vEO8WkRc-HMfZAsDxLIStzi0nklSA/edit

Comment: Polished to what I think is a great little short story, but I'm not sure if this manages to stand out from the masses

Claiming: >>107708
You got lucky (or unlucky, we'll see), a regular TCB contributor here :-)
>> No. 108081
>>108069

Heh, I'm also a reviewer around here, but my main story demands a lot of focus to get it flowing in a conplex yet easy to follow, so I'm not as active as I used to. Also, I'll be leaving tomorow for a few days to see some friends, so I'll get back to writing and tinkering when I'm back. If you hang aroung the irc #fic, you may see me there starting on Tuesday, when I'll be back from seeing my friends.

On review-related matters, I already wrote down some ideas to improve and as soon as chapter 4 of P5R is ready for review, I'll start tinkering with this one.

As we use to say, welcome to the reviewing experience.
>> No. 108084
Now, a grammar question. When you have dialogue within dialogue, I know the inner dialogue uses the apostrophe, and the outer uses the quotations. Now, if both sets of dialogue end at the same point, where do you put the punctuation?

Example:

"His exact words were, 'Shut up and leave me alone!'"
>> No. 108090
>>108084
You've done it right, but some people will put a half-space between the closing single and double quotes. The code for it escapes me at the moment.
>> No. 108107
Okay, dad-gummit, one more!

“So, Dash,” Twilight interjected, trying to avert the fight before it began. “You... "

>before it began

Should that be a comma or a period? I usually use a period when I use speech tags like that, but the first part of dialogue doesn't stand on its own as a sentence. So would I use a comma to keep it all linked, or just use a period?
>> No. 108110
File 134033154224.jpg - (35.48KB , 500x326 , 133969218331.jpg )
108110
>>108107
In my personal opinion it would be a comma, simply because it's a continuation of Twilight's sentence.
>> No. 108113
>>108110
Since that sounds right (and since you're the next one to look at my story) I'll go with that for now. :)
>> No. 108114
>>108107
You're allowed to have partial sentences in dialogue, so it doesn't matter. If you're going to use a comma to transition back into the quote, the first word in the second part of the quote has to be lower case.
>> No. 108116
File 134033354863.png - (72.42KB , 600x636 , 105497 - artist-highplainssquinter ask ask_bonbon_and_lyra ask_bon_bon_and_lyra FlutterJuice jui.png )
108116
>>105201
Taking this now.

*cracks knuckles*
>> No. 108149
>>107705
Since Lilli doesn't seem to be coming back any time soon, I might as well do a few more reviews. Let's see if I can finish this one over my lunch break.
>> No. 108158
First thing's first: Your synopsis is way too long. The synopsis is only a hook, not an exposition dump. Watch as I reduce this:

>When the three clans united and formed Equestria, there were some that opposed the unity. They were Earth ponies from the Pegasi controlled areas, demanding compensation from the harsh oppression they had been forced to live during all of their lives. But Chancellor Puddinghead did not agree to the claims, but told them that the only way to live in this new land was to forgive and forget. This group of Earth ponies felt betrayed by the leader, so they rebelled. But heavily outnumbered from both the united kingdom of Equestria, they were forced back to the mountains were they had fled from. There, they meet an old enemy towards Chancellor Puddinghead, called Scardiva Stonehoof. He was a bandit, also seeking to crush the union between the three clans and take control over the new, rich land himself. Together with the large bandit group, the rebels formed the nation Scardiva, named after the founder of the land. But many disputes were made, and the land was later divided into tribes, all seeking to fulfill their own ambitions instead of working together, and the country were formed into a complex tribe system, where lies and deception was the key to victory. The hatred towards Equestria was put aside, but not forgotten. When Scardiva later died, he made one last prophecy: that one day, the tribes would unite once more, and then, the days of Equestria's rulers would be counted...
>Today, the civil war finally seems to be coming to an end, making the old prophecy seem far to present than it should be. When Landstrider and Derpy go on a seemingly harmless adventure to the strange land in order to find Derpy’s real parents, they will discover that prophecies are not to be taken lightly...

To this:

>The nation of Scardavia, founded in blood against the newly formed Equestria, has had its independence for years. As Derpy leaves for strange lands in a quest to find her father, she soon finds herself entrenched in the politics during a brutal revival of the Scardavian Revolution.

Much more interesting, much less infodump. That's what a synopsis should be: short enough to persuade the reader to read it (instead saying "too long; didn't read" and skipping over your fic) but long enough to catch their attention.

Similarly, there's a lot of other issues with the synopsis as-is:

>far to present than it should be
This is a roundabout way of putting it. How about:
more real than they expected.

>from the harsh oppression they had been forced to live during all of their lives
Long winded. Try:
from being oppressed

>but told them that the only way to live in this new land was to forgive and forget.
How did this guy hold a position if all he ever says is "Well, we've moved so everything is forgiven"? Second, why in the world would he tell this to a bunch of ponies on the verge of starting a revolution?

>This group of Earth ponies felt betrayed by the leader, so they rebelled.
I would have never guessed.

>they were forced back to the mountains were they had fled from
I cannot make sense of this sentence. What mountains, and why?

>but...but...but...
You really like buts. Read through this before you send it to a reviewer, and remove repetition like this.

>There, they meet an old enemy towards Chancellor Puddinghead, called Scardiva Stonehoof. He was a bandit, also seeking to crush the union between the three clans and take control over the new, rich land himself. Together with the large bandit group, the rebels formed the nation Scardiva, named after the founder of the land. But many disputes were made, and the land was later divided into tribes, all seeking to fulfill their own ambitions instead of working together, and the country were formed into a complex tribe system, where lies and deception was the key to victory. The hatred towards Equestria was put aside, but not forgotten. When Scardiva later died, he made one last prophecy: that one day, the tribes would unite once more, and then, the days of Equestria's rulers would be counted...
This actually sounds like an interesting story. In fact, the synopsis details a MUCH more interesting story than what I've read (into chapter 1) so far. Still, exposition in the synopsis: shame on you.



The story proper:

Did you even look this over before sending it in? It's rife with spelling errors, awkward phrasing, and grammatical errors, awkward perspective shifts and a false premise, and that was all in the first page. In fact, if it weren't for my fear of a new reviewer picking up this piece and swearing off reviewing because of it, I would have dropped this like a hot potato.

Here's the doc with what I've got so far (and if other reviewers are so willing, they can critique as well): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vDLjOyJkpcwUnqqec7bPuiul6EG8eP4pbxiMJgZntSo/edit

I'd be perfectly willing to review the rest of the first chapter, but the issues are so prevalent that I want an up-front promise from you that you're willing to fix the issues I present, starting with the issues I pointed out here. You're a long way from Equestria Daily, and there's going to be a long, hard road ahead of you. But, if you're willing to stick with it and go one chapter at a time, you may be able to salvage what you have.
>> No. 108159
>>107705 >>108149
Detailed comments in doc

Mechanics:
Okay—lots of problems here, including:
Sentence fragments
Comma splices
Use of all capital letters
Missing commas after introductory phrases
Use of both italics and quotation marks for thoughts
Dialogue punctuation

I've marked the first two instances of each of these (except for sentence fragments—I marked quite a few of those), which should be enough for you to learn why they're wrong, how to spot them, and how to fix them. It'll be up to you to sweep the rest of your story for them. Strangely enough, you're inconsistent about several of these issues. I can't tell if you don't know the rules and lucked into getting it right sometimes, or do know the rules and suffered some lapses in concentration.

I will go into a little more depth on the dialogue punctuation, as it was the most prevalent error. Here are examples of the most common forms:
"This is dialogue," said the reviewer.
The reviewer said, "This is dialogue."
"This," the reviewer said, "is dialogue."
"See?" asked the reviewer. "You don't use a comma if other punctuation supersedes it."

Take particular notice of how the punctuation and capitalization work. You also have a tendency to put a descriptive sentence fragment after the speech tag. Here's an example:
>"You were supposed to keep her safe!... You are her parents for Celestia's sake!" The cyan pegasus said. Her words filled with anger and sadness.
Let's fix all the problems with this:
"You were supposed to keep her safe! You are her parents, for Celestia's sake!" said Rainbow Dash, her eyes brimming with tears as her voice took on a hard edge.
Now, see what I've done here. Removed the unnecessary ellipsis, tagged out of the speech with correct capitalization, set off the descriptive phrase with a comma, avoided Lavender Unicorn Syndrome), and implied her emotions rather than stating them outright (more to come on the last two later).

Writing Style:
Some significant problems here as well:
Word repetition
Awkward phrasing
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
Show-versus-tell

I'll discuss show-versus-tell, because it's destroying your story. At heart, it means using clues to lead the reader toward the conclusion you want, but making him work it out on his own. That way, he's thinking about it, becoming involved, and it makes for a more engaging read. Too often, you just told me what a character's emotions are. That's not very interesting. Say you're watching you're favorite TV show, and a character walks out and announces, "I'm sad." You get the information in an understandable way, but it's not entertaining in the least. What does the actor do instead? He slouches, hangs his head, won't look anyone in the eye, fidgets, sighs, etc. It's much more interesting when you figure out his mood on your own. The writer has made you think about what's happening and identify with the character. Give me more indriect emotion through body language, facial expression, posture, thoughts, and dialogue. Red flags include directly naming an emotional state and overuse of -ly adverbs. It's particularly important to show during scenes crucial to the plot or of high emotions.

Characterization:
Fluttershy, for what small appearance she makes, is fine. Twilight is her usual helpful self, until she turns a bit surly when she gets frustrated with Rainbow Dash. That caught me a bit off-guard. Rainbow herself is just generic-grieving-character melancholy, and I don't see a lot there that is uniquely her. You even address the loyalty issue, but never explain it. Do so. I need to see what inner conflict resulted in her actions to understand fully why she feels the way she does afterward. We also need to understand the others' reaction to her revelation as well. They were awfully quick to forgive. And we need something about the parents. Their actions would seem to be contradictory, and we need to see what their motivation is.

Plot:
Hoo boy. What you've got here is fine enough, as it's plausible that all of these things could happen, character development notwithstanding. However, you completely glossed over the meatiest bits of your story. The accident itself. Dash's struggle with it, and everyone else's reaction. Fluttershy's death and how her parents justify it. The funeral scene. The scene afterward with Fluttershy's ghost, be it real or imagined. The aftermath of how everyone deals with it after the funeral. These are the scenes with the most emotional content. This is where the real conflict occurs. What you've given me is a sad situation (and it is sad—I'll give you that), but without anything to make it more than sad just for the sake of sad. Give me the conflict. Give me the resolution. Give me the personal growth and consequences that happen as a result. There's really not that much here yet to work with.

Synopsis:
Scrap it and redo. First, you've completely blown any surprise as to what happens. It completely undermines the hospital scene when we already know how it will turn out. Rainbow's decision? Deal with the aftermath? She barely does either. Not that it's bad to address them, spoilers aside, but the story glossed over both. Make sure your story does what the synopsis says it will do, and avoid tipping your hand on things better left as a surprise.

Title:
A bit perplexing. It was implied that Fluttershy's friendship didn't exactly end, nor was there a discernable effect on any of her other friendships. Might want to rethink this one.

Final Thoughts:
You've got a premise with potential, albeit one that's been done before (but what hasn't?), so make it stand out from the crowd. The best advice I can give is to spend time reading other stories with a similar plot. Look for sad stories that rate well on Equestria Daily or FiMFiction (not that that guarantees quality). Find one you admire. See what other stories are on that author's favorites list. Read a few of those that also rate well, and so on. In short, learn by example. You're welcome to look in my reading and favorites lists on FiMFiction (same user name), as sad stories are my niche for both reading and writing. Once you've had another whack at this, I'd recommend getting another review, since there will be significant changes. Keep writing and have fun with it.
>> No. 108161
File 134038944072.png - (242.01KB , 1500x2024 , Lyra-huh.png )
108161
>>105201
Well, I shall put my usual disclaimer that everything written here is solely my own opinion and is to be taken with a barrel of salt or liquor if you prefer.

Let us begin. You got this from the EQD team.
>Unfortunately, your fic has multiple errors in punctuation and grammar. As such, it is not being considered for posting at this time. Please revise your fic.

I'll note that your errors are mainly in punctuation and the occasional grammar derp. I shall direct you to this handy guide should you wish to learn more.
http://derpy.me/EznGuide

I have already done a line-by-line for your first chapter, so use it to guide your edits for the subsequent chapters. (Or get an editor if you cannot be bothered to do so.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OT9oZ3JDwfWKjr5UdDOMP8GF1NQXGHjhqP3ZwMLA7fk/edit

One thing to note. I noticed you are shying away from using the speech tag, "said". Don't be. Said is a wonderful word, and using it does not make you any less of a writer. Often your substitutes are clumsy and draw attention to the manner of speaking, which sometimes do not correspond to the situation.

You also have a recurring problem with capitalising words that are not proper nouns. Things like:
>revealing an orange Earth pony and a yellow Pegasus.
>“Oh, yes of course.” The Doctor replied as he

In all these cases, they are not supposed to be capitalised due to the fact that they're used as common nouns. (Hint: They're all referring to a class of entities in this world. Also, you may want to turn off your autocorrect in MSWord, which is what I suspect is happening here.)

That aside, I also take issue with your transitions.
>Meanwhile, Ponyville Administration Building
>Later, Carousel Boutique

These just reeks of laziness. Get rid of them and use your narrative to help guide readers along. You don't need a big flashing neon sign that says, "You are now HERE!".

One last thing. Memes. Things like The Stare, 20% cooler, WORST. THING. EVER, and Royal Canterlot Voice all belongs to reaction pictures on ponychan. They do not belong here. Everytime you reference these, I had to stop myself from cringing. They add nothing to your story except for some imagined humour.

Onwards to your story.
Your story... well. I really liked the premise. The idea of an Equestria without the alicorn sisters is something worth exploring. Unfortunately, this is where I found your story falling flat. The first is the fact that you still have the mane six as a close circle of friends like they do on the show. Not only that, even their homes, places and friends are the nearly identical. You would think that with such an early point of divergence, there would be massive changes in how they interact with each other. Indeed, there is no reason why your Ponyville should have the same set of characters to begin with. An easy point to counter is that without NMM and the Elements of Harmony, there would be little or no reason for Twilight to be friends with any of the residents of Ponyville. Sure, you tried to cover that with something about her being sent from Canterlot's Admin something, but that's just a poor bandaid on top of a large gaping plot hole. Instead of a different world I had expected, I found Equestria: America. Which is basically canon Equestria slapped with the trappings of democracy, some tech, and everything else remaining the same. I have to say I was pretty disappointed.

Okay, let's say they do end up in this situation despite the sheer impossibility. Let's take a look at your plot. A terrorist attack. Dystopian government. Conspiracy theories. Sounds familiar? That is what I got after six chapters. And I can predict that the mane six would join a freedom movement, finds that the government is holding some deep dirty secret and they're supposed to overthrow it or something. Correct me if my assumption is wrong, but this kind of story has been done to death a million times in many iterations of contemporary fiction. (V for Vendetta comes to mind.)

Moving on. Since this is an AU, you're given more leeway on how you write the mane six characters. But then you revealed that it was more or less the same set of character with little to no changes. I'll examine them as if you're writing a canon story. Your Rainbow Dash isn't bad, save for the fact that you tried to sell me that she wrote half of Chapter One. Your Pinkie isn't the worst I seen, though certainly could do with a little more work. Your Fluttershy is unrecognisable. The other three are decently written, though I would not call them totally in character.

I am hesitant to say that you would get on Equestria Daily as it is. Work on it more, rework the plot to be more interesting and you might get a better shot.

tl;dr Interesting premise, poor execution.

Keep writing.
>> No. 108168
>>106494

Can someone please review this? The author doesn't want to continue writing it until he makes changes based on the review he gets.
>> No. 108193
Title: The Heart of Gaia
Author: Noteperson
Tags: Adventure, Dark
Synopsis:
Equestria is an idyllic land, a place of friendship and magic in which all ponies can thrive. But, alas, not all creatures see it that way. The march of progress has greatly changed the way ponies live over the past few decades, and there are some, opponents of the settled order, who see in these changes an opportunity to forge a new Equestria. An Equestria stripped of the very things that most define it.

After years of preparation, a shadowy order is ready to execute a terrible plan to radically and irreversibly reshape Equestria. Can Princess Celestia and the Elements uncover their plot and stop them before it’s too late?

Links:
1 - Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MwxF-sAqR9BraSdWAc42o_B42cSPgujUItFzu8yfk_Y/edit

2 - Upon the road: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I-d2OumIHJaP6fe0S95RLtjxddwh5xXY1Dwbxafvjig/edit

3 - Within the Sanctum: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cU1Dk7LqyQy_lRswolt--BqWkThTcfqEgoHTmnKxkcs/edit

4 - Meanwhile, in Ponyville: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XqUKEUIcAeDZhiZ5o-4m77xEQVX-VopF827lvcQVaik/edit

5 - Into the Everfree: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mD7evn9nHadR90HVTofSCKGECV1hm6Jdltm4G9LbnOQ/edit

Comments/requests: I apologize for deleting and reposting, but since my original post, I have placed my story into editable Google Docs.

I have also had my submission to EqD rejected with the following comments:
I am currently unable to recommend your work for publication on Equestria Daily. Please see below for details.

Specific Issues:
•run on sentences
•spell out numbers outside of proper designations, as a rule of thumb
•dialogue tagging mistakes
•Em dash misuse
•Try to avoid beginning narrative sentences with conjunctions, outside judicious usage.
•Stacked descriptors. Try to tone down on these. (EG: The slight little violet-colored )
•Avoid abbreviating in narration
•You’ve a tendency for blockish info dumps in the chapter openings
•Hyphenation mistakes
•Missed words // "but as clear a bell."
--
There’s an interesting story in here, but there are a great deal of issues you need to work on to make it shine as it deserves to. I suggest you take this piece over to ponychan’s /fic/ and/or to an editing group to get some reviews, focusing not only on grammatical issues, but to practice segueing information and character-building more fluidly into the sequence of events. This is strike one of a possible three.

Thank you in advance!
>> No. 108199
>>108193
Fill out the submission form, please. Link is at the top of the thread under "For writers." Your original post wasn't in our queue, either, or I would have just updated the post link.
>> No. 108206
>>108199

Thank you for setting me straight. I'm a bit embarrassed; I didn't realize the submission guide went past the first page, so I never read to that step. Whoops!
>> No. 108211
A quick question: do the Training Grounds allow Clopfics for review? I'm assuming no, right?
>> No. 108213
>>108211
While it is up to the individual reviewers in the Training Grounds to accept clopfics or not, you can't post your clopfics here on Ponychan. You'll have to use email or PMing them on the TG IRC channel or something else.
>> No. 108217
>>107708
Let's start with the synopsis. It really isn't a synopsis at all, just a sum-up of the usual TCB premise with a passing mention of your character's name. You can include some sort of a sum-up, but it shouldn't be too much by default like ”It's a new era on Earth, the era of ponies. It isn't just their continent appearing in the middle of the Pacific, but they also bring an offer of a better life, and all you got to give up is your thumbs.” Though it isn't necessary at all; that basic stuff can be included in the story itself. Your synopsis needs something about the main plot -- just a tidbit is enough. Like the story, I think the synopsis should be from Jack's POV. Ultimately, the synopsis doesn't have to be that witty.

Well then, I left much more comments in the doc than I should've, since in order for this story to work more has to be done than what I pointed out (and I'm not even half-perfect myself). But I believe in author development, so in that case there should be some use for my notes. And now that I skimmed through your corrections, great, but as I just said... (for example, ”the doorway was unblocked by flames” you can block doors with furniture but this? And the final line is actually worse now...)

Let's begin with the good. While I'm not the first one to whine about the dreaded show vs tell, I too enjoy when it's done well, and in a couple of instances you ”show” rather nicely (for example in the second paragraph in the very beginning). The last third of the chapter is undoubtedly the best part. An HLF terrorist against a PER lunatic is an opportunity you didn't waste, even though it's short.

Therein lies the main problem; it's really short. Six pages and a lot of stuff happens -- so much that you even punched a couple of very obvious plot holes in there. I'm aware that Bunnana King (you can find him on fimfiction, if you dare) got around to a relatively ridiculous pile of views and faves with a sort of similar stuffstuffstuff on and on writing, but he did it with such stupid vigor that I think he kinda deserves it, but I digress. The chapter could be easily padded with a thousand more to the word count, and I don't mean padding just for the sake of padding, but it would add real substance as well as decrease the detached feeling of many lines if not entire paragraphs. Right now we have an x number of plot points which can be easily missed since nothing is emphasized. Instead we got some weird paragraph about the Amish and how they may or may not be upset about ponies or God or something.

Finally, I gotta tell you to rethink that chapter title. Sure Jack wakes up a couple of times, but the first scene lasts about twenty seconds or so and the second is near the end. And I can't say I noticed any spiritual wake ups either.

My opinion, not the word of any supreme being, but I tried to be as objective as I could. Keep writing and ask for other people's thoughts too.
>> No. 108234
File 134046217526.jpg - (183.06KB , 800x800 , 1338665102503.jpg )
108234
>>108217
Thanks for reviewing. Since I'm bad at summaries, I'll go through point-by-point and give my thoughts.

>Let's start with the synopsis. It really isn't a synopsis at all, just a sum-up of the usual TCB premise with a passing mention of your character's name. You can include some sort of a sum-up, but it shouldn't be too much by default like ”It's a new era on Earth, the era of ponies. It isn't just their continent appearing in the middle of the Pacific, but they also bring an offer of a better life, and all you got to give up is your thumbs.” Though it isn't necessary at all; that basic stuff can be included in the story itself. Your synopsis needs something about the main plot -- just a tidbit is enough. Like the story, I think the synopsis should be from Jack's POV. Ultimately, the synopsis doesn't have to be that witty.
Didn't really help beyond saying that I needed help, so I'll try and stop by the "Synopsis Review" thread.

>Well then, I left much more comments in the doc than I should've, since in order for this story to work more has to be done than what I pointed out (and I'm not even half-perfect myself). But I believe in author development, so in that case there should be some use for my notes. And now that I skimmed through your corrections, great, but as I just said... (for example, ”the doorway was unblocked by flames” you can block doors with furniture but this? And the final line is actually worse now...)
Hm... I'll have to go through that part again.

>Let's begin with the good. While I'm not the first one to whine about the dreaded show vs tell, I too enjoy when it's done well, and in a couple of instances you ”show” rather nicely (for example in the second paragraph in the very beginning). The last third of the chapter is undoubtedly the best part. An HLF terrorist against a PER lunatic is an opportunity you didn't waste, even though it's short.
>pic
>the one on the right

>Therein lies the main problem; it's really short. Six pages and a lot of stuff happens -- so much that you even punched a couple of very obvious plot holes in there. I'm aware that Bunnana King (you can find him on fimfiction, if you dare) got around to a relatively ridiculous pile of views and faves with a sort of similar stuffstuffstuff on and on writing, but he did it with such stupid vigor that I think he kinda deserves it, but I digress. The chapter could be easily padded with a thousand more to the word count, and I don't mean padding just for the sake of padding, but it would add real substance as well as decrease the detached feeling of many lines if not entire paragraphs. Right now we have an x number of plot points which can be easily missed since nothing is emphasized. Instead we got some weird paragraph about the Amish and how they may or may not be upset about ponies or God or something.
That's what I thought. I'm really impatient and I keep wanting to get to the important parts of the chapter. So, if I'm reading you right, the biggest problem is that there's bones but not meat to go along with them?

>Finally, I gotta tell you to rethink that chapter title. Sure Jack wakes up a couple of times, but the first scene lasts about twenty seconds or so and the second is near the end. And I can't say I noticed any spiritual wake ups either.
It's supposed to make sense when the other chapters are put up, and it's a reference to something people might not get.
>> No. 108236
>>104728

I'll do a pass with this story. Claiming X3
>> No. 108251
File 134046936933.jpg - (26.68KB , 374x428 , I+just+don+t+know+what+went+wrong+_+Derpy+Thumbs+amirite_a5787f_3610684.jpg )
108251
>>108158

First of: just when I thougt my story would never be claimed, you did just that, thank you ^^.

Synopsis: Yea, I had hard times coming up with a both interesting and short synopsis. The result was quite unpleasent, yes :(

Introduction: I experimented with this one (making a reference to the real series), and if it doesn't fit, I remove it.

Chapter 1: Really? So much faults? :( I re-read that over and over and over and over again, and still so much spelling and grammar faults??? My English must be horrible... (and i'm not a fith grader, I'm just not very good with English :( ).

I really thank you for the time you gave to put through what you did. That was my first fic I ever wrote, and I really had great confidence with it. But if it contains as much faults as you say it does, I think I will put it on a loong hiatus and come back at it when I have improved my English. With other words: You don't have to pre-and-proof-read it any longer. Thank you again for the commenting, it helps, really! (On a side note: I wrote this in a word document... Seems like it didn't help much...)

There is though one more thing you could do for me, if you feel like doing me a small favour: Can you jump to chapter 4 and see if it contains as much faults as you've seen so far? There was a long time-gap between chapter 4 and the rest of the chapters, and I personaly think that my English improved notice-able during that time. Don't care much for the story in general if you do this favour for me; I just want to see if my hunch is right...

And thank you again! I'm really glad that you are honest with me!
>> No. 108256
File 134047213235.jpg - (14.85KB , 320x320 , mlfw2446_small.jpg )
108256
>>108168
Very well, impatient citizen. We shall peruse your story. Thou wouldst do well to keep us entertained, for our wrath is unbecoming of a royal. Rest assured, we have experience reviewing at FiMFiction.net. Pray that thou shouldst earn good favour with us.
>> No. 108261
>>108251
It's all good. As for chapter 4, there's not nearly as many grammatical errors, but you still use hoofs instead of hooves.
>> No. 108264
>>108261
:3 Ty, might come back here after some editing then!
>> No. 108266
>>108256

It's not my story, I just proofread it a bit. But, thanks.
>> No. 108273
File 134047868154.jpg - (650.31KB , 1700x1020 , Gold text, Black background.jpg )
108273
Title : Pride of Magic, Earth and Sky
Tags : Dark, Adventure, War
Author : Shader
Synopsis : After years of war, the children of the Sun and Moon Spirits, Celestia and Luna, have finally made peace, putting aside their differences, and weapons.

Under the banner of the budding nation of Equestria, and the leadership of The Council of Three, order and harmony reign.

Discord, however, is not pleased.
Link : https://docs.google.com/document/d/16CvXpCkPtSnxd8OJsvv3HEif_uUwrMjAUmUXTYCW5Ro/edit

Comments (Or disclaimer) : I know the main characters physical descriptions need to be fixed, I kinda missed doing them properly. Character names are mostly placeholders, chapter names are tests. Need to add accent for 'Orange'. 3rd chapter is only partial, mainly after the prologue and first two chapters reviewed, but would not be opposed to you doing 3rd. First three chapters are character introductions. May or may not keep the 'Additional Info' at the bottom.
>> No. 108278
File 134048118398.jpg - (9.50KB , 199x193 , look_at_me_im_brick.jpg )
108278
>>108234
>Didn't really help beyond saying that I needed help
No? It's not like I'm gonna write one for ya...

>there's bones but not meat to go along with them
Yep. For instance, take a look at everything the reader learns from Jack in this chapter and see if it nets him a personality of any kind. Other than hating ponies... nope, nothing. Why would anyone want to read more chapters, if the main protagonist can be compared to a brick with no ill-effect?
>pic could be related
>> No. 108283
File 134048574752.jpg - (4.09KB , 160x160 , bored_mlfw2446_small.jpg )
108283
Intro
>(R1’s Note: Just for this intro and a few other conscience-only chapters, Kill will be in bold italics, and Joy will be in plain italics. In the actual story, though, they’ll have normal thought formatting.)
Already, author? The first line we see, which should entice us into reading further, is a note reminding us that this is in fact a story, and not a world in which to immerse ourselves? Pity. And with instructions to the reader, no less, which will go largely unheeded. We looked ahead and have seen that thou dost tag thoughts by character, so the purpose of such a system escapeth us.

>I represent, self-control.
Why dost thou abuse this poor comma? It hath done nothing untoward!

>the more...explicit conscience
More punctuation abuse. *sniffle* We prefer leaving a space after an ellipsis.

>Sunshine, rainbows and happiness ain’t gonna get you much in life; we can’t always just cower in fear.
Somehow, we doubt that somepony who employeth vernacular such as "ain't" and "gonna" would implement a semicolon.

>*sigh* Yes, yes, I know--
Sound effects in narration? You anger us! Especially since thou hast properly attributed a sigh in narration not two paragraphs later! Thou knowest better. The speaker hath not been interrupted, so the dash is misused. Alt+0151 produceth a proper em-dash.

Y-your unconscionable mistreatment of punctuation saddens me. I— Ahem. Please pardon us while we compose ourselves.

>to deeply inhale
And now thou hast split an infinitive. Pray we do not split thee!

>Wow, you do learn fast! joked Kill.
If thou must inform us that it is a joke, then it is not.

>...Joy, those are for fillies.
Kill traileth in from what? A previously dangling quote? Just coming into earshot? This ellipsis confoundeth us!

>ALSO
Proper emphasis useth italics, or when already in italics, normal font. Therein lieth thy difficulty in this section. Over-reliance on italics destroyeth thy ability to convey their proper meaning, and, frankly, hurteth our eyes. Using all capitals is forbidden. Only we can do so for our Royal Canterlot Voice, and WE DON'T THINK THOU'VE GOT THE STONES TO TRY US!

*Ahem*

We apologoze for our outburst.

>- well, OUR -
Em dashes, with no spaces, not hyphens, you foal!

>don’t need anymore.
"Anymore" meaneth not the same thing as "any more." Thou hast chosen the wrong one.

>“...Never.”
Our protagonist traileth in again? From what?

An intro and a prologue? Thou tryest our patience...

Prologue
>Opening scene
Are thy characters some manner of sculpture? They speaketh, but moveth not. Shall we imagine ourselves blindfolded whilst watching this scene? 'Tis not a conversation, merely words.

>GO.FU--
Hast thou forgotten a space after thy period?

>It was at this point
Self-referential narration?

*Grumble*

You would do well to avoid my ire.

>So, you’re finally leaving your old man, huh?
Junior year, and he is leaving for college? We must have missed something.

>I don’t love anyone, and SHE doesn’t love ME, so no, I don’t know how I would feel. I saw tears in my father’s eyes, although I wasn’t sure if it was about one or the other. “Look, Dad, Aroma is still in the house. And I’m going to be back soon, okay?”
Thou hast used... two speakers... in ONE paragraph?

*eye twitches*

>wood-colored mare
What manner of wood, pray tell? There are many hues, are there not? Shall I call my sister's crown "metal-coloured" and leave thee to fathom which one?

*Mutters under breath*

Chapter 1
>Walking aside the wooden, green-coated mare
Assuming she is not constructed from wood, the only meaning left to us is that thou meanest her to be formal and humourless, but no evidence of that hath been presented. And yet, we believe this to be a failed attempt to describe colour.

>a decision was made to “explore”,
Goest thou for American usage? If so, the comma belongeth inside the quotation marks.

>“I find it dead. ‘Ghost town’ dead,” I implied.
He hath implied nothing. He hath stated it outright.

>giving her my full undivided attention
Both full and undivided? Gadzooks!

>I rubbed my head, laying on the floor.
lying. Thou wouldst do thyself a service to learn the differences between "lay" and "lie".

>“Then you must be a freakin’ artist,” Vinetion entered the now-open room, only to pop her head back out for more ‘helpful’ advice.
Thou hast misused single quotes, and used a speech tag without an appropriate speaking verb!

>Joy sighed, rolling his eyes
How doth Joy even have eyes?

>our princess’s sun
GUARDS! TAKE THIS PHRASE OUT AND HAVE IT DRAWN AND QUARTERED!

>I thought you’d have known this.
Huzzah! We have finally found that which is wooden! This dialogue!

>“Well, I’ll return when the creepy stuff is over,” Vinetion slowly backed away from the mare creating a scene.
If one can "back" a quote, we shall eat our tiara.

>She then pointed to her left shoulder, where a straight maned, less vibrant, miniature Pinkie appeared- “This is Pinkamena,” and to her right, a white coated, yellow maned, bubbly pegasus - “and this is Surprise.”
Hyphens where they should not be, and no hyphens where they should. straight-maned. less-vibrant. white-coated. yellow-maned. Improper speech tag, bad placement of dashes, not even using dashes.

Citizen, thou mayest find this sentence freshly returned from the moon in one thousand years' time.

>I demanded a response, with her on top my chest.
Why dost thou present us with information we already know?

>“*gasp* GRAZE! YOU JUST SAID A BAD WORD!” Pinkie exclaimed, shocked.
Unless she hath literally said, "Asterisk gasp asterisk", thou shalt not put sound effects in quotations.

>taking up most of view.
Thou shouldst enquire at the lost and found for thy missing word.

>“Because for the last time, who I like and who I dislike is nopony’s concern but mine,” I continued a slower pace.
Thy inane speech tags are beginning to make. Me. Angry.

>“...Graze,” Ditzy softly called out, as she saw the stallion flee the cafeteria and charge down the halls.
A one-sentence scene. One that proceedeth directly time- and location-wise after the prior one. No.

>while the other is....well, Ditzy
Thy ability to count periods is deficient.

>easy going
One word

>...all I wanna do is sleep. I explained to the two of them.
Those... poor... commas! *sniff* Why do you treat them so?
*sobs*

>...Joy said, looking at the wooden
Maybe the lost and found hath the end of this sentence as well.

Summary
We are not your editor, and so have only given a few spot-check examples of what requireth attention. Thy premise is an interesting one, albeit one we remember from a program called "Herman's Head" on the telly. However, thy writing style hath failed to engage us in the story. Thou hast blatantly informed us of characters' emotions, where thou wouldst do better with a modicum of subtlety, making me deduce such from body language and expression. Thy over-reliance on dialogue as the only indirect method for communicating emotion leaveth us detached from the conversations, as if hearing them through a wall. We wish to see it, not just hear it. Thy characters are interesting, if a bit coarse for our taste, at least the two defined in much detail. As for tags, we fail to see how a story can be simultaneously Normal and Adventure. We do not see Adventure, nor the prospect for any, as it would involve a sweeping narrative across strange lands in order to achieve some quest. In fact, the very definition of Normal stateth that it is not Adventure.

We have appreciated thy story, but the aforementioned problems hath kept it from coming alive to us. More subtle communication of emotion would go a long way toward engaging the reader. The most recent advice we see on this show-vs-tell issue is here: >>108159. The grating system of italics and the repeated mechanical issues also limiteth this story's accessibility.

Final mood: mild annoyance.

Learn, and write thee onward, citizen!
>> No. 108288
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108288
>>108273
I know this is off-topic, but I gotta say that has to be the finest cover art I've seen for a new/up-and-coming fanfic in a long time.
>> No. 108303
Alright, let's see if I got this right.

Title: To Endure
Author: Shamus_Aran
Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Shipping] [Sad]
Synopsis: Every princess will have her first love. And the loss of that love will leave its mark on the world, for better or worse.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25588
Just chapter 1, for now. I imagine I'll submit the other two when they get finished.

Comments:
Quoth the EqD Prereader:

"It breaks my heart to do it, but I can't recommend this for posting.

Look for errors in the following areas:
Capitalization
Hyphen use
Dialogue punctuation
Awkward shifts to second person
I could have also used some more description of the setting; it often felt neglected.

I enjoyed this story quite a bit (Groundwire is a hoot and serves as a fantastic foil for Celestia), but the grammar is a little too dodgy to give it a pass. Revise, consider getting some help from Ponychan's /fic/ board, and if the grammar is cleaned up upon resubmission, I see no reason why this cannot be posted.

Signed,
Pre-reader Unimpressive."
>> No. 108305
>>108288

I didn't draw it, I just GIMPed it together from Regolithx's excellent work. http://regolithx.deviantart.com/

I did spend far more hours than I should have learning the program to get it together, so I'm glad it came out well. ("Oh, I have a BRILLIANT idea, how about I use the insigia's too! I can lift them from their original background, and place them on the new one, and make them kinda transparent! ... How the hell am I going to do THAT?!")
>> No. 108319
comments are in doc.

The synopsis needs work. It needs to bring up something more interesting that will sell your story. It should not be a summary of your story.

The introduction doesn't hook well enough. It appears to be more of an infodump that will put off readers.

There are some well placed similes here and there. Overall however, a lot of rewriting needs to be done. As you said so yourself, this is the 'roughest draft'.
>> No. 108320
>>107445
We will tackle this story next. Please put us in a good mood.
>> No. 108342
Title: Schism
Name: melknin
Tags: [Tragedy][Dark]

Synopsis: Luna's return should have heralded a new golden age for Equestria, but as Luna and Celestia begin working together, Luna starts to question the wisdom of her sister's governance. When Luna confronts Celestia the princesses' division erupts into a conflict that threatens to divide all of Equestria and even pit friend against friend. Friendship and family will be tested as everypony is forced to take sides in an Equestria split in two.

Word Count: 15064
Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/16qfivmeMdZLgcPYw2V9EThkQW-kMfH1oJEnM8tYPVk0/edit

Comments:
Linked for review is just the first chapter of the story described above (the rest of the story is in progress, but the synopsis gives you a pretty clear idea of where it's going). The first chapter only just begins setting the stage for the aforementioned conflict to erupt, so don't expect all heck to break loose by the end of the chapter.
Also, while I believe I have picked tags that are appropriate, let me if you agree or disagree with the selection.
(P.S. It turns out self-editing is really hard. Thanks so much in advance for any constructive feedback you can give.)
>> No. 108345
File 134051888580.jpg - (83.71KB , 510x465 , typing_luna.jpg )
108345
>>107445
>>108320

>the breeze that so harmoniously complemented the heat brought forth from the afternoon sun
We are confused. When something complementeth another, they worketh toward the same goal. The breeze would seem to counteract the heat instead.

>window shopped
window-shopped

>the Lyra had only one thing on her mind:
Why "the" Lyra? Pray end the sentence with a period at this point. 'Tis improper to split a sentence across a paragraph break.

>the bench--her bench, that is
Attempt a proper em dash, if thou couldst indulge an all-powerful royal pony. Alt+0151, or paste one in: —

>It was visited on such a frequent basis that she felt it deserved a plaque bearing her name on it.
Thy passive voice is unnecessary. "She visited it" provideth an active sentence without amending the meaning. "Bearing" and "on it" provideth redundant information.

>Latelatelatelatelate!
One repeateth words with a hyphen: Late-late-late-late-late!

>She placed her saddlebags at her hooves and paused to catch her breath, despite the hurried state she was in.
Mayhap a little more detail would suffice. "Placed" how? Via unicorn magic? The ending phrase draggeth and dangleth an innocent preposition! "Despite her hurried state" would accomplish the same end, whilst keeping the poor preposition safe, yes?

>she turned her head and glanced at the clock that stood behind her with piercing amber eyes.
Where placed, "with piercing amber eyes" would seem to describe the clock.

>Unfortunately, as a musician, the summer months were a bit... bland.
"as a musician" describeth "months" as written, and we do not like ellipses in narration that is not indirect thought.

>but that you would appreciate as well.
"you." Meanest thou us? Or Lyra ("she" would be optimal)?

>...
>
>...
Surely thou thinkest not that this is a proper scene break. We are perplexed.

>(not without a struggle with a stubborn zipper)
We detest parentheses in narration as well. We are becoming "riled", as the youngsters say!

>As she closed her eyes, Lyra immersed herself in the instrument as she ran magic across the strings, feeling more and more like a part of the lyre with each soft, reverberating note.
Why dost thou establish a string of simultaneous actions twice? The two "as" phrases should reside happily as one.

>HER act.
Proper emphasis is italics. Royal Canterlot Voice is is in our purview only!

>Feeling satisfied with her pre-performance routine, Lyra felt ready.
Let us get this straight. While feeling, she hath felt? Hehe! We find this to be droll.

>To masterfully display
Thou hast split an infinitive with no forethought as to its well-being. We will show thee an equal measure of mercy, should this transgression arise again.

>To dazzle the audience with Arias and Odes and Reveries that only the most talented of musicians could perform.
Why hast Thou randomly Capitalised words in thy Sentence?

>BONG!
THAT BELL HATH NO MORE RIGHT TO ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE THAN THOU DOST!

>Without being told, ponies knew that the bell signified a change in the day when the boring routine of business ended and the upbeat night life began.
Why would they need to be told? Certainly it is not the first occurrence.

>to perform in front of an audience of familiar faces that had come to see her perform.
Aha! *claps hooves* Another jest, yes? Performing to perform! Oh... thou jokest not. We see.

>'Melody of Moonlight.'
double quotes. Single quotes indicateth nested quotations only in thy system of punctuation. Thy title hinteth at the infinitie beauty of the night! Huzzah! We approve.

>chestnut colored
Hyphnate thy compound modifiers, please.

>giving way to a chuckling and smiling appearance
When wouldst thou actually use this phrase? It grateth upon the ear!

>to pretend to pay attention to
That word hath become fatigued! Pray, grant it a respite!

>off schedule
off-schedule

>the only thing mattering being herself and the lyre.
Thou hast called out one thing, then named two.

>Her voice carried a tone of forced kindness, similar to that of a librarian explaining to a group of foals that they either had to keep quiet or leave
A simile supplanteth the straightforward explanation. Why give us both? And thou needest end punctuation.

>'Forgive and let live,' she had said.
Why single quotes?

>avoiding her friends gaze
friend's

Honestly! Didst thou proofread? Our rage grows with each elementary mistake! Thy fiction should entertain a Princess, not MAKE HER EDIT FOR THEE!

>It's just..." she mumbled, voice trailing off.
Her voice traileth of, and then thou informest us that her voice traileth off? Bah! A POX UPON THY REDUNDANCY!

>Lyra drew another parallel to Pinkie Pie
We see no relevance to this line of enquiry. What importance hath Pinkie Pie to Lyra that she would proceed upon this tangent?

>at this point
Self-referential narration boreth us. *Yawn*

>empty hoofed
empty-hooved

In Summary
We have given thee a smattering of the errors we noticed. It is now incumbent upon thee, author, to use these lessons to root out the remaining imperfections.

Now, we shall handle the telling, as EqD hath so generously pointed out in its infinite wisdom. "Her mind swimming with stress." Thou informest us of Lyra's emotions, but it is little more than a cold fact. If thou wouldst but make it real for the reader, 'twould be much more immersive. We require a trail of bread crumbs leading us to that conclusion. Were thee an observer in the scene, what wouldst thou notice to make thee think Lyra felt so? We wish to be this observer. Dialogue need not be thy only tool, as it satisfieth but one sense. Examples:
>Her mind swimming with stress,
>Feeling herself beginning to zone out
>As a result, her late-night practice sessions with her lyre often ended in anger and frustration rather than satisfaction.
>Her emotions volleyed between relief and sorrow, not knowing whether to feel grateful that the moment was over, or sadness that he had once again failed to notice her.
>Lyra clenched her face in irritation.
>the hurt on her friend's face evident.
>Bon Bon reeled back in surprise, her widened eyes filled with disbelief.
>"Okay," she spoke in a voice that was gentle, yet filled with worry.

In addition, thou employest "began" and "started" too often. Let no pony start what she cannot finish.

Thou hast overlooked far too many required hyphenations.

The opening scene hath provided a quaint narrative about a nervous musician, but the transformation into lovelorn angst is inauthentic. Details will be forthcoming in future chapters, no doubt, but presently we have no emotional attachment to Lyra's love interest, as it is entirely unjustified. We see not how the relationship develops, only assurances that it is in fact there. That createth no investment for us. The earlier thou dost so, the better.

Thou hast given us a story of reasonable entertainment value, with some flashes of excellent writing, but a lack of showing, some inconsistent mechanics, and unsubstantiated romance have sapped thee of the essence needed to shine. To the revisions, that thou mayest achieve fiction greatness!

Final mood: cautious optimism

Thou canst return for additional reviewing upon revision if desired. Continue to ply thy art!
>> No. 108346
>>107383
Having just submitted my own fic for review, I shall attempt to pull my weight around here and do a review of this tale.
>> No. 108348
>>107383
>>108346

Initial reaction: I'm not really aware of mythos surrounding the Slenderman, so I can't really speak to doing it justice, but I thought you set you mood very well. Reading the story felt tense, although it was occasionally vague or unclear. Perhaps this is the intention since the unknown is certainly an element of horror, but too much and the story can be confusing; as with most things there's a fine balanced to be achieved. I've tried to point out below where I felt it got confusing.

What follows are a lot of specific details I picked out. As it turns out I'm pretty detail-oriented in a review, so there is a lot of text to go through. Personally I think this is very understandable since I can't read my own writing with the same eye for detail that I can other's (I think this just stems from the fact that I already know what it says so I gloss over it more quickly).
A number of points reflect my opinion and so you are free to ignore as you see fit. However, I touch on a number of grammatical/syntactic issues which I believe represent legitimate problems you should address.

>"What were you *doing* anyways?"
It may be a nitpicky detail, but "anyways" is not a word. You should use "anyway." (This is a point that can perhaps be debated, as anyways is so often misused as to be considered acceptable English by some; by why not err on the side of caution.)
I also don't think the italic emphasis is necessary. More often than not the dialog should allow the reader to accurately add his or her own emphasis.

>enough to last a good few more hours
I'm not sure whether or not that qualifies as proper English, but even if it does it sounds clunky at best. Reword it or simply go with "enough to last a few more hours."

>Dust had accumulated on it, no doubt from the grime that covered every page in the book.
It took me a couple of readings to decipher the meaning of this sentence. It just wasn't clear to me how grime from the book could produce dust on the window. It just felt inconsistent. When I picture grime, I think of an oily residue, which certainly wouldn't result in dust. The whole thought process ended up distracting me from the story instead of drawing me in. Consider reworking this sentence to better convey your intention.

>Cracks ran down its front, where, in faded letters was hoof-inscribed the title 'Of the Everfree'.
The first comma shouldn't be there and there needs to be another comma after letters, and the period should be inside the quotation marks. It also feels clunky to have the subornite clause's subject follow the verb. I would recommend writing this sentence as:
Cracks ran down its front where the title 'Of the Everfree' was hoof-inscribed in faded letters.

>"In a scary story?"
Spike is asking if she was doing research *in* a scary story? Do you mean research on a scary story?

>and it's about the Everfree Forest thank you very much."
I believe you should separate the injection 'thank you very much' with a comma.

>Spike raised his eyebrow again. "Shouldn't you be asleep or something?"
Nooo, you've violated the rule I've seen cited most often in all the guides I've read. You've just had Spike's dialog in the same paragraph as Twilight's. Always start a new paragraph if the speaker changes.

>She gave a soft smile.
It may be just me, but IMHO a smile cannot be described as soft. I found myself trying to decide what a soft smile was (and again, if your reader is finding themselves having to think about something you've written instead of continuing to read, you're loosing the immersion the reader is looking for).

>"Why's it so important anyways?"
Anyways again. *eyebrow twitches*

>Trotting left though an archway
Typo in "through." Also, I know you mean to indicate that she turned left to go through the archway, but specifying the direction she went here is unnecessary and it actually broke the scene as I'd built in my head which, once more, broke my immersion.

>Swerving past the round table in the center of the room
Swerving? Just how fast was she trotting through the kitchen? (From the dictionary: 1. to turn or cause to turn aside, usually sharply or suddenly, from a course)

>Light poured out from inside, making her recoil.
There shouldn't be a comma here.

>Her eyes clenched shut and her face scrunched up as the cold air wrapped around her.
There should be a comma here.

>Standing up, she took the plate in her mouth and dropped it in the sink, before turning back to the doorway and sluggishly dragging herself out of the kitchen.
There shouldn't be a comma here (before 'before').

>Whatever it was, was lost in the mist.
There shouldn't be a comma here. I'm guessing in this case you added it to avoid a repeated word, but in this sentence 'whatever it was' is a single phrase representing the subject of the sentence and there is no reason to have it followed by a comma. For example, it would be incorrect to write "He, was lost in the mist." So you can either lose the comma and deal with the fact that there is a repeated word, or you could rewrite it to avoid the repeated word. For example, "Whatever it was, it was lost in the mist." or "It was lost in the mist, whatever it was."

>Twilight's heart raced in the darkness, before seeing the candle had just gone out.
For some reason it took me more than one reading of this sentence to understand what had just happened. I think the phrase "seeing the candle had just gone out" just doesn't fit the tone (and using "gone out" makes me think the candle walked out of the room). I think the whole sentence reads better with something like: "Twilight's heart raced in the darkness until realized that the candle had simply blown out."

>a light frown on her face.
Similar to my above comment about a soft smile, I also had trouble dealing with a light frown.

>but she pushed forward still, leaving little rings of water behind her hooves.
I find the flow of this sentence entirely disrupted by the use of the word 'still.' I think the sentence is immensely improved by just leaving it out. Sometimes less is more.

>the usual rainbow sheen it would create
My immediate reaction to the pronoun would be to interpret "it" as the marking on the floor. It's only after doing a double-take I realize you meant oil. Given the ambiguity, I think you should just say "the usual rainbow sheen oil would create."

>She flipped page after page, blew away dust plume after dust plume, until she eventually landed back where she had started hours before
I found it inconsistent that there would be so much dust on the book when she was turning back to a page she'd already been to.

>The page's ink was dry and fading
A book's ink is typically dry. Have you ever handled a book with wet ink? It gets everywhere.

>its paper dusty and jaded
jaded: I do not think it means what you think it means. I've never heard it ascribed to something non-animate.

>She hoisted herself up onto the round decorative table, taking in a long, heavy breath.
Maybe I'm just not remembering the show correctly, but she got on a decorative table to go to sleep?

>there was but an empty cot and blankets.
Elsewhere you've used "there was but" effectively, but here I found it distracting. Spike not being in his bed (something the reader already understands) doesn't match the mystery the phrase conveys. I think just "there was only an empty cot and blankets" fits much better.

>It grew larger and larger, and then, died completely.
Since "then, died completely" isn't a complete sentence on its own, neither comma is appropriate. I think to increase the dramatic effect of her spell failing you could slow the reader down by just making two separate sentences, i.e. "It grew larger and larger. Then, it died completely."

>kicked in any direction.
When speaking in the past tense, it seems strange to say one kicked in "any" direction (again this is just something that distracted me from the story). I (personally) would not, for example, say that "I drove any direction last Tuesday" to indicate that I drove no direction in particular. I would say perhaps that I drove an "arbitrary direction." At any rate, consider a different choice of words or just do something entirely different here.

>her breathing resounding throughout the room.
I looked it up and apparently this is a correct use of the word resounding. I've just only ever heard it used in the sense of "This was a resounding success." *shrug*



Alright, that's it. Like I said, I thought you did a great job creating a tense, gripping story with a very well defined mood throughout. The comments I made really just address details which I think serve as distractions that rip the reader out of your story and ruin the tension. Feel free to ask for a follow-up once you've made revisions.
>> No. 108350
>>108193
Claiming The Heart of Gaia for review.
>> No. 108352
>>108193
>>108350

I'm leaving an abundent comments in the google docs which you can peruse at your leisure, but I'm retiring for the night and I wanted to leave a few comments first.

I've only made it through the first 2 chapters (or rather the prologue and the first chapter), but your writing is unfortunately plagued by a multitude of grammatic and syntactic errors. Before I can even begin to give useful criticism on the story itself, you really need spend some time doing a revision to address these problems.
However, I have to say that the biggest problem for me is the style of writing you're using. Using words like "whence" outside dialog and overly complicated sentences just doesn't translate into a story that reads well. I strongly recommend you spend some time reading and absorbing the many fanfiction writing guides that are floating around. My personal recommendations are below.

In particular, here's an excerpt from Ezn's Guide:
>Start out by writing like you speak – it’s what I do. Writing like you speak is the best way to avoid using unfamiliar words you may not fully understand, or making complex sentences with more clauses than you can handle. Obviously, that doesn't mean you should use obscure slang or um and ah in text as you might in conversation, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that big words and flowery sentences are necessary for writing.

Once you've done that, I would recommend taking another pass at writing your story, but try writing it as though you were speaking out loud to another person sitting in the room, and write it down the way you would say it out loud. I think this will translate into a story that *reads* much better as well.

Links:
CV's Guide: http://goo.gl/1WvEW
Escher's Hints: http://goo.gl/8mhZ2
Pre-reader Omnibus: http://goo.gl/ycN8R
Ezn's Guide: http://goo.gl/SlekH

As I said, I've only gone through the first 2/5 parts. I'll add another post when I'm done.
>> No. 108353
File 134053774564.jpg - (32.23KB , 500x324 , wat3.jpg )
108353
>>104352
An incredibly overdue review. I apologize; I haven't had the time nor internet to review your work for the past week plus.

Your doc did not have comments enabled, so I made my own copy: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_OfmIMAmdYNA-T4vYom4QqMkIvvI60LIx4DWbOC3egM/edit?pli=1 The comments only go for two pages, because a lot of your errors are consistently present. This review aims to help you improve your self-editing skills.

Before that, though, here's my stream-of-consciousness notes as I read through the thing:

Twilight in old place
Twilight fights with dust very inefficiently
Twilight thinks of RD and Rarity despite supposedly being fearful for her life
Twilight blinds herself by looking at the sun - wat
Why suddenly light? You need to mention this right up there with dimensions, before you go into details
Twilight talking to herself
Twilight taking risks - WAT
The most complex spells? Used with unknown results? In an ancient place? Wat? This is Twilight Sparkle, not some hickey spelly doo-hah, right?
The spell turns out to be some lame warming thing - WAT wat wat
Combining heat and cold sorcery and achieving a balance sounds horrendously inefficient, seeing as the corridor, apparently, was cold - by simply producing heat and letting it disperse into the atmosphere, she saves the effort of having to do that silly balancing act
The hell is she doing, trying to warm up the corridor? wrrrryyy
And then thoughts about Star Swirl, and boots
Btw, griffons have talons, not fingers. And if she was decked in armor wouldn't she have at least horseshoes to protect her hooves?
Suddenly an OC, and using pronouns (the druid, the battlemage) to act as exposition -> big no-no
pointless parenthesis
Twilight giggling randomly despite supposedly having been fearful of the crystal's effects
And then Fluttershy and a spider thing OC
...wait, if Twi's walking in one direction, and then RD and Woodmane appear from the other, which means they're walking towards each other from the opposite direction...
Comment describing Twi's pride only to have Fluttershy want to wimp out and stay behind

Issues:
Tense and form agreement
>that didn't hampered
>wasn't going to bleed to dead
>this was of the only spells she didn’t mastered
that didn't *hamper*; bleed to *death*; this was *one* of the *few* she *hadn't* mastered

These are just examples of wonkiness that, by reading aloud, you will discover. They simply don't sound right when read out; that's how you'll know that's a problem.

I mean no offense by this, but:
1) Is your first language not English? If so, then you have two options. Either you learn better grammar, or you find an editor. Most ponyfic editors, it would seem, come from Fimfiction.net; you might have a poke around and ask.
2) Have you even looked over this yourself? Because, well, to be blunt, these mistakes are fairly elementary. Even reading aloud will notify you of them, unless your answer to 1) was "Yes, my first language is not English". It's not an excuse for being lazy, but I'm Asian and I can sympathize, since I have friends with the same problem with English.

One-sentence paragraphs
These are strongly discouraged as they hinder the flow of the story. Every new paragraph is to introduce a new idea. By making a new paragraph, you break the flow to say that there's a new idea here. "Twilight swallowed" does not justify breaking the flow. Neither does "Or transform the whole place into an oven and burn her alive, OR freeze the room and her with it.", which isn't even a complete sentence.

General improper-ness
>...burn her alive, OR freeze the room and her with it.
>“You electrified me! TWICE!”
The random all caps is uncalled for. Use italics for emphasis, and only then, use it sparingly.

>- again -,
Remove the dashes. What are they there for?

>but she was unsure if this was good ide- No, I have to focus!
Do NOT break regular narration with direct thoughts, unless you're doing one of those metafics where Pinkie talks to the author and blah.

>but she learned that throwing a fireball at one will cause a... fiery retribution.
This sounds like you're referring to the reader directly, like some sort of leery wink. No.

>Twilight hoofpalmed.
Please use words that exist, rather than pony variations of words that weren't proper to begin with. Please.

>He was Griffon,
You don't capitalize "griffon", the same way you wouldn't capitalize "unicorn" or "earth pony". There's a missing "a" between "was" and "griffon", too.

>not so secret last trick
not-so-secret last trick
>> No. 108354
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108354
>>104352
>>108353

Punctuation
>“Well. Okay everyone.” she looked
>...they were actually there, “Okay, let’s keep moving,” [end of sentence]
>doors Everyone
>...calm he said, “I recommend explosives, lots of them,” [end of sentence]
>How to deal with the temperature? She thought
Here's a list of examples lifted from Pascoite's review sneakily, with a small addition by yours truly.

"This is dialogue," said the reviewer.
The reviewer said, "This is dialogue."
"This," the reviewer said, "is dialogue."
"See?" asked the reviewer. "You don't use a comma if other punctuation supersedes it."
This is a direct thought, mused the reviewer. See, no capitalization for the word after the thought, yes?

Model your dialogue punctuation based on the above. Other punctuation errors are probably simple derps which should be easy enough to spot and fix.

Okay! Keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive list of errors. They are simply examples used to show you what constitutes as "wrong". There are a lot more instances not mentioned in here, and probably even whole areas not mentioned, but you'll need to clean up at least this much for the next reviewer to spot them. These were the ones that I found to be the most blatant.

Now for the bigger things:
Content
You have a few pages of Twilight fighting with dust. Why... why the hay? It isn't action, it isn't cool, and it certainly isn't funny. Twilight's a lot smarter than that, all right? And what's with the warmth scene? Again, Twilight's more careful than to use some ridiculously hard spell in some unknown area simply for the sake of warming herself. She's not so loose with her powers, either. And then you have these OCs and the words "battlemage" and "druid" out of nowhere.

I reckon the problem is that instead of starting at the beginning of the story, you're starting in the middle. There's not enough context to justify what exactly is going on.

And another thing: the OCs and the armor. Look, Twilight & co. defeated Discord naked with the power of friendship. It's as if you're suggesting they've completely forgotten about the Elements of Harmony, which is both the proven and the most efficient way to go about the task of defeating Discord. Why would you clunk around in armor in dark corridors if all you had to do was use the Super Omega Rainbow Friendship Beam? The credibility of your premise hangs on this, because it's a rare reader that can feel for such a roundabout method of defeating what is easily Equestria's most dangerous enemy.

The script format for dialogue at the end
>Growlt: “Ow! Surrre, I can do that,”
>Fluttershy: “But we could...”
>Twilight: “Hold on a sec! We are not blowing things up again,”
>Walker: “We can never do anything fun.” he sighed.
>Twilight: “There must be another way that doesn’t involve brute force.” she looked at the dead end. With the power of her magic, Twilight tried to open the door.
You know what this reeks of? Laziness. I'm sorry, but I have to be brutally honest here: what is the meaning of this? Did you just get tired of using regular, proper dialogue and thought, "Hey, this'll be easier!"? Because it is easier, but it's lazy. It's a blatant shortcut and I will admit that I felt a little pissed.

Use normal narration. To counter the hypothetical problem above, we have:

Crowd control problems
You have the Mane 6 and 3 OCs in a corridor apparently wide enough to only fit 5 of them side by side. You have them all talking at once. It's just too crowded to be an effective scene because they're tripping all over each other in terms of text space. I would actually suggest you do away with the Mane 6 and stick to your OCs instead. What's the point of having them? You need to ask yourself this as you examine your characters, because if the Mane 6 could defeat Discord on their own, again, the 3 OCs are obsolete. But if you want them, and I assume that's the reason why they're there, then you need to find a good reason. And what better reason than "We don't have the Elements of Harmony any more?".

Overall
This will need a lot of work. At this point, don't touch anything; I'd advise you to reflect and think: what is the goal of this? Why are these characters doing this? Get a clearer direction and trim out the inane. You'll have to clean up a lot on the technical side, but I can see what you're trying to aim for. And really, I don't think I'm your target demographic, but I know of the sort of people that are. There's a story in there marred by bad writing. If you wish to make it more accessible, then edit the crap out of it, and then come back and edit it some more, but the most important thing is for you to enjoy what you're doing. Even, and I may get stoned for this, even if it means completely ignoring my advice. Don't expect others to enjoy it as much as you, though. Just saying.
>> No. 108362
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108362
>>105512
I'm a fan of Die Hard. You have me sold.

Review in a day or two.
>> No. 108367
>>107385
I wanted to claim this originally, so would be glad to do so now. Pav Feira does a good job, so I trust I won't get too bogged down in the details and can help you put the final touches on crafting your story.

>>106942
Continuing to work with Truehearted on this one. Could take a while.
>> No. 108375
>>106717

Normal / Adventure / Comedy

Pinkie takes the timid Fluttershy under her hooves to teach her to face her fears, at the same time that Twilight and her friend notice things have gone amiss around Ponyville.

Gdocs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mBFW19BK1hhDCoEo7736WX7zs1CkYSy-jA4xgyn9EGs/edit

I'm looking for a bit more critical on this review. I've had two friends read it that like the story without a problem, but I'm looking to have more focus on things like "showing, not telling" and similar aspects to build out better. This is all prior to posting to FIMFict/submitting to EQD.
>> No. 108384
>>108352

Hi melknin,

Thank you very much for taking the time to look over the first part of my story. I've been desperate for some objective feedback on my writing, as this is my first attempt at creative prose for a fair few years. Your comments have given me a lot to work on.

To address a few of your specific points, thank you for letting me know my writing of accents in the prologue is disruptive. The miners are intended to have strong Black Country accents, and one of them in particular is SUPPOSED to be unintelligible, but if you think I should tone the others down a bit, I'll do so.

I'm also glad you set me straight on my overuse of compound-complex sentences with additional subordinate clauses and appositives tossed in for spice. This actually isn't dissimilar to how I speak when telling a story orally, but if it makes the narrative hard to follow and reads like a run-on, I'll work to break up my thoughts into more digestible bites. I'd also like to say, looking back over it, that this seems to have been something of a form of throat-clearing on my part, and I hope you'll find it's less of a problem in parts 3-5.

Now, the trouble with one of your pieces of advice - that I narrate in my natural speaking voice - is that I actually do use words like "whence", which I suppose makes me a bit of a pompous ass. But, in any case, what I'd actually like to do is color the 3rd person narration with elements of the character whose viewpoint I'm following. An example of this was the comment about putting the sky in order, which you thought sounded childish. That's actually intentional, because I see Br. Dunstable as a character who is young at heart and a bit unworldly - or, in other words, a bit childish! However, I'll try to play the narrative voice more down the middle in future, if you think that will help.

Thank you, too, for flagging up my punctuation and formatting errors.

I'm going to get down to the business of fixing up the first 2 parts of my story based on your comments. I look forward to hearing what you have to say about chapters 3, 4 and 5!
>> No. 108387
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108387
>>108367
Well, so I had hoped. But I was super-bummed to see all the edits go in, sign off on it, and still see it get its second ding. My condolences, GaPJaxie. Third time's the charm! :/
>> No. 108413
Tags: Adventure, Dark(ish? Tried to keep it within 'acceptable' television limits like this might actually be aired on the show.)

Synopsis: The final season of a phenomenon. New players come to the field even as our favorite faces return, and the powers of friendship will be tested as Equestria is faced its the greatest danger yet... consequences.

Links:

Prologue
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n6KD2LCOExeHFhq7ocEG6XBCKcCWm8jsbiyJxkkSZgI/edit

Comments: Guess who's back? Okay, don't guess, but do review.

More chopping away and slimming the story, and trying to make it flow better. And that on top of some grammatical errors.

Again, here's my deal for whatever reviewer wants to try this. I'm putting up the prologue for now. If you read and review only that, I'll respect it, even if I won't like it, but I'd really appreciate someone taking a look at the whole thing someday.

So, I'll ask you to take a peek at the prologue and please just think about if you'd like to be the first to find where this story goes.
>> No. 108417
>>108353
yeah... I love brutal honesty. thanks for the review, and maybe you are right, I don't think this will work.
(Don't take this the wrong way, I don't actually see this working either anyway)
>> No. 108426
>>108193
>>108350
>>108352

Having finish parts 3-5, I have to say that I'm now actually quite drawn into the story and I think you're showing a lot of promise. The further I read, the fewer critiques I had to make, which makes me think that with some practice you're definitely hitting your stride.

As before I left a lot of comments in the gdoc (which I've noticed you've begun responding to, so I'll keep immediate replies in there).

First let me respond to your above comments:

>To address a few of your specific points, thank you for letting me know my writing of accents in the prologue is disruptive. The miners are intended to have strong Black Country accents, and one of them in particular is SUPPOSED to be unintelligible, but if you think I should tone the others down a bit, I'll do so.

I did notice that one was intentionally unintelligible, but I found myself struggling to understand all the characters' dialogue. So I do think it's worth toning it back. And you used Applebloom's accent very effectively in part 4 (far better than I think I could have done), so I know you can do this well; just don't over do it. (Especially remember that this is a reader's first introduction to your writing and that you're leaving an impression on both your clarity and prose).

>I'm also glad you set me straight on my overuse of compound-complex sentences with additional subordinate clauses and appositives tossed in for spice.
Phew, reading that sentence nearly gave me a headache. ;) Colorful writing is an important and useful aspect of writing, but remember that you need to keep it from reaching the point of distraction, or worse, making it hard to read.

>This actually isn't dissimilar to how I speak when telling a story orally, but if it makes the narrative hard to follow and reads like a run-on, I'll work to break up my thoughts into more digestible bites. I'd also like to say, looking back over it, that this seems to have been something of a form of throat-clearing on my part, and I hope you'll find it's less of a problem in parts 3-5.

I read parts 3-5 before I read your post, and I have to say I really enjoyed the style of writing you'd fallen into by the end. I think if you can rewrite the first two parts (and to a lesser extent the third) you'll have a workable story on your hands.

>Now, the trouble with one of your pieces of advice - that I narrate in my natural speaking voice - is that I actually do use words like "whence", which I suppose makes me a bit of a pompous ass.
Well I suppose it was also a bit arrogant of me to assert that everyone speaks similarly as I do. At any rate, like I've said, you've found a great narrative voice by the end, whether or not my advice applies, I'd say to just keep doing what you did there.

>But, in any case, what I'd actually like to do is color the 3rd person narration with elements of the character whose viewpoint I'm following. An example of this was the comment about putting the sky in order, which you thought sounded childish. That's actually intentional, because I see Br. Dunstable as a character who is young at heart and a bit unworldly - or, in other words, a bit childish! However, I'll try to play the narrative voice more down the middle in future, if you think that will help.

Well when you put it that way, I think that's a reasonable thing to do if you can do it effectively. I think the childishness probably also compounded the grammar and other issues I was fighting through in that chapter. Perhaps once it's been cleaned up you can try using the character's narative voice again.

>Thank you, too, for flagging up my punctuation and formatting errors.

What end as story that was begining to intrigue me was unfortunately eclipsed by the difficult prose and messy punctation from the first few chapters. Particularly since this is the part that needs to draw readers in and convince them that you've got a great story to follow, I think these sections need some serious revision. But I can tell (particularly from part 4 which I actually really enjoyed, by the way) that you have the ability to write the story you want to tell and to do it well.

So you've got what it takes, but I think you've got some serious revision work ahead of you before you can push this story out the door.


Postscript: Thank you for being gracious in your response. I think in retrospect my reviewing is rather harsh and critical, but you handled it appropriately and pushed back on solid points. And after all, I'm a random stranger from the internet, not an expert. So take it all with a grain of salt. ;)
Postpostscript: Rather than comment on all of these individually in the gdocs, I just wanted to make a broad remark on various idioms. I.e. "immediately - if not sooner", "dear heart", "well turned-out", "cheaters", "turned ankle", ... I'm willing to believe on your say-so that all of these are simply expressions that aren't familiar to me; they just gave me pause as consequence. So as long as it sounds right to you I think it's fine.
>> No. 108438
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108438
>>108417
Like I said, the most important thing is to enjoy what you're doing. I am willing to bet a small amount of money that somewhere out there, you have readers who will enjoy this; that's more than I can say for certain other fanfics. Even if you drop this, it'd be good if you could carry over new knowledge, and take this as a learning experience. =)
>> No. 108440
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108440
>>108071
You sound interesting. So you've sat in the queue for 4 days... well, you might want to prepare yourself to sit for another 7 or so. =s
>> No. 108446
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108446
Title - The Reach
Author - Gearbox
Tags - [Dark] [Adventure] [Mystery] [Minimal Crossover] (Loosely based on the tales of H.P. Lovecraft)
Synopsis - Inkwell is one of Equestria's only authors of horror. Though somewhat unpopular, he's a amassed a following of loyal readers, including Princess Luna. One day, Luna invites Inkwell to Canterlot's restricted archives to overcome his writer's block. However, he uncovers an ancient secret there that unleashes a dark and terrible force. Will he be able to stop it, and possibly even himself, from destroying Equestria?
>> No. 108447
>>108446
Forgot the rest =P
Word Count - 2,521 (2 chapters, Work in Progress)
Link - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33703/The-Reach
>> No. 108461
Title:Pinkie Pie's Phenomenal Ponytech Party

[Comedy] [Adventure] [Humans] [Crossover] [Sci-fi]

Word count: 5255, One-shot

email address: [email protected]

Synopsis: In a stunning reversal of several plot devices, ponies find themselves at humanity's back doorstep. Having some idea of the ongoing problems humans face when it comes to friendship and harmony; one pony in particular takes it upon herself to throw an introductory party with the help of some multiton machines the wayward Equestrians have found.
RIGHT NOW.

link to the story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FFEVSH6jsOpGS_setNda5PfqwZfvciMQV-LkT69S0Ms/edit

Author Notes: I'd be most grateful for any sort of review or editing somepony interested would toss my way. First bit of writing I've done in a long time.

I've gone over this a few times now, feeling reasonably comfortable with its level of polish but I really want to get feedback on this for what I've overlooked. I'd be happy with reviewers who want to toss general feed back my way, or ones who'll pick it apart on the technical side of things.

Also, if you'd like to go tit-for-tat on reviews, I'd be happy to, after I'm done reviewing something for TTG.
>> No. 108462
>>108461

Also, I happen to be tossing this up on a fimfic group for more feedback. Forgot to note that.
>> No. 108469
First off, I apologise for the delay. To >>103791, I'm working on your review and will try to get it out in the next couple days. However, my estimates are terrible, so I can't really guarantee anything beyond that it will get there eventually. If you would prefer a live feedback session, you are welcome to email me and I'll try to find a time when we can both be online, as that may be a way to get more immediate feedback. Again, my apologies for being terrible about being on time.

>>103694
Review of Anomalous by benxlabs

I'll let you know upfront, this is going to suck. I'm not going to lie and tell you that this is better than it is, but I'll do my best to be gentle about it. So grab a choice beverage and a comfortable place to sit and let's work through this.

First, the plot. You have a teenage human going to Equestria. Let me give you an overview of nearly every single HiE story out there. Human has sucky life on earth. Human gets transported to Equestria, either in pony or human form. He has the obligatory, "OMG, I'm in Equestria/Now a pony" moment, possibly with another character looking on. Then he meets the mane six, typically with one or more of the following: Research or library work with Twilight, bucking apples with Applejack, flying with Rainbow Dash, scaring or taken care of by Fluttershy, party with Pinkie Pie, being whined at or having clothes made by Rarity. Now that all of the mane six are in the story, a villain appears, typically Nightmare Moon or Discord or Chrysalis. In order to defeat this villain, the mane six and for some reason, only the transplanted human, are tasked with defeating this villain. Caveat: Background characters may be allowed to come along, but only if they are a romantic interest or have become best buds with the main character. This time, the villain somehow incapacitates the mane six, but the main character fixes them somehow. Then he and the mane six defeat the villain together. They go back and celebrate. The human then either goes back home or settles in Equestria, living happily ever after. At some point during this, there is a shipping undertone or overt shipping subplot between the main character and one of the mane six or a choice background character.

This should look very familiar, which isn't a good thing. No one is going to want to read your story if it is a carbon copy of many stories that they've already read. However, you do have some subplots, so let's look at how those tie in.

Your main character commits suicide as a way to get to Equestria.

This could be fascinating. You could examine ponies' response to a suicide and how the stigma would be different in a near-utopian society, have Equestria's perpetually happy nature act as a penance for his suicide, or use his lack of a cutie mark as a metaphor for abbreviated purpose because of his artificial life-shortening among other possibilities.

Let's see what you did with it.

He learns his lesson over the course of a single paragraph, completely forgets about the suicide while in Equestria until the very end, when Celestia mentions it and he relearns his lesson. Essentially, you ignore it for as much of the fic as possible and only use it as a mechanism to get him into Equestria. However, suicide is such a powerful and touchy subject that its use necessarily overwhelms the rest of the piece and that is what readers are going to remember. If you use suicide in your story, it needs to be extremely important and done well, or people won't take your story seriously. It doesn't seem like it is particularly important in your story, so that's a strike on that account.

Next, we look at how the suicide and the lead up to the suicide were portrayed. Since I'm mentioning it, you can probably guess how this is going to go, but let's go with it anyway. First, let's look at the first three paragraphs.

>The ring of the solid gold alarm clock signalled the beginning of his day. It also signalled the beginning of his torture. He came from a noble family. A perfectionist family. A family that allowed no mistakes. His parents were distant, which might be an understatement. They were more like mean coaches, constantly berating you for not being perfect. He was technically rich, but he wasn’t allowed to buy anything with the money. He lived under a totalitarian dictatorship. And he was absolutely miserable.
>Everyday, the same old thing. He followed a strict schedule that allowed no errors. Everyday. Get up. Brush teeth. Go to school. Come back. Get yelled at for not being perfect. Be shunned. Go to bed crying. Repeat. His goal in life was to become happier, and endlessly pursued every last glimmering hope. He read countless books, and asked countless people how he could be happier. Every time, he got the same answer: “Just do what you love to do!”
>The problem was, he had no hobbies, no interests, and definitely no favorite things to do. He usually just stayed indoors. Although no one knew it, he had great rage burning in his heart. If unleashed, no one would be able to withstand his wrath. But with a sharp mind comes great discipline. He contained the raging inferno of emotion inside him, tucked away safely, until the day it would be needed.

You'll notice that nearly all of this consists of very general statements. About the only thing here that is a real detail is the "solid gold alarm clock" and even that isn't particularly relevant beyond overemphasising that he has rich parents. If you want your story to stand out, you need to get into specifics. For example, when you say he has perfectionist parents, that conveys the information, but not in a way that engages the reader. But if you show a short scene where he gets chewed out for missing one point on a homework assignment, then you develop the characters on a deeper level and engage with the readers. It's essentially the difference between a generic educational documentary and a feature film; the documentary just tries to get the information across and is generally considered very boring, whereas the feature film weaves a story and tries to draw in the reader, and when done right, is an entertainment success.
I would argue that using extremely general statements is probably the biggest problem plaguing your work.

This ties in with showing vs telling. I don't want to bore you with a long explanation as there are a lot of those already (See Ezn's Guide
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit#heading=h.cd61b05656b9
The Editor's Omnibus
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1#heading=h.6qkzsww2jk
rr
or Dublio's referencing an old post of mine
>>89502
if you want deeper explanation)
Basically what you need to know about showing vs telling is that telling is generally boring, especially when you have a lot of it, and showing is much more interesting for the reader, and that showing involves giving the readers enough details to allow them to make a picture in their mind without filling in everything for them. In particular, showing is absolutely necessary when you are trying to make the reader feel emotions or care for/about your characters.
Now in your story, you do almost no showing. In particular, your introductory paragraphs (which should be some of the stronger ones in order to "hook" your readers) are entirely telling.

At the same time, the telling greatly hampers establishing and developing characters in your story, in particular, your main character. By telling everything about him, he comes off both as the generic teenage stereotype that is extremely common in amateur writing and simultaneously, makes it look like you tried and failed to make him seem sympathetic. The only way a character like this won't come off as completely contrived is by picking a situation that works to set up the plot and character, and then showing how he acts in that situation. That way you can add the little quirks and subtleties that take him from a caricature to a character. This would also make it clearer whether you intend to make him seem sympathetic due to the situation he's going through or make him disliked because he is overreacting to his situation. For your introduction, I would recommend showing a situation where his parents' "perfectionist" tendencies come to the forefront and show how your main character reacts. If you want him to be sympathetic, you show the parents reacting unreasonably to something. If you want him disliked, then you have his reaction be unreasonable. However, it is necessary that you pick only one.

Going back to the overall plot, you have a few additional scenes that I think could be interesting, but they generally all suffer from the same issues as mentioned above. In particular, the scene where the shadows discuss where the main character will end up and the scene where the main character learns to fly both could be extremely interesting, but suffer from a lot of telling. In particular, the shadows scene could use added context and atmosphere to break up the unbroken lines of dialogue and the scene where he learns to fly should focus more on the sensations and feelings that he experiences rather than a play by play of the events. However, those are just a couple of examples of scenes that could add to the story. I would still recommend taking some time and figuring out how you can make it different from a typical HiE story that readers see all the time. What you have now can serve as a sort of outline for what should happen in the story, however I do think this needs a complete rewrite in order to get above the level of a generic HiE story. The telling and use of generic statements is systemic throughout and I think it would be easier to start fresh than trying to edit the story. Also, given some of the mistakes you have in the story, this looks like it was an attempt at a second person (possibly clopfic) that removed any objectionable scenes, tacked on an adventure, and then switched mostly back to third person. When you have something like this, I think it is both better and easier to use it as a reference and do a clean rewrite, rather than trying to edit bit by bit.

There were a few more specific writing things that would be useful for you to learn for future writing.

You use scenes verbatim from the show, in particular using Pinkie's reaction and subsequent party for Twilight as her reaction to your character. For one, Pinkie isn't the type of pony to do things the same way twice, but putting that aside, you'll still want to avoid using that type of device because it is uncreative and tired. People very rarely act exactly the same way twice unless they have some type of disorder, and none of the ponies in the show apart from maybe Screwloose have that type of personality. Also, your reader's have already seen that scene before since you are writing MLP fan-fiction, I'm assuming your audience is people who have seen the show so to them, it will be boring and old. Most people read fan-fiction because they want to experience the MLP world, outside of the show. When you quote a scene verbatim, you deprive your readers of a novel experience and you make yourself appear like you have no creativity. If you absolutely must use a scene directly from the show, at least offer a new perspective or emphasis, so the reader feels like they are getting something new to work with.

You also have a ton of general issues throughout that I would feel remiss if I didn't at least mention. However, because these issues occurred throughout and given my recommendation from above, it would be counterproductive for me to go through and correct all of them. I'll try to give a few examples with a short explanation. I recommend going through Ezn's Guide http://derpy.me/EznGuide since this has a lot of good advice and will cover most of what I mention in greater depth.

First off, you have multiple speakers of dialogue in the same paragraph. By separating dialogue from different speakers into different paragraphs, it is clearer for your readers who is talking. However, the main reason for this is that this rule is ubiquitous. Even in published books where space is a premium, they follow this rule, so if you don't follow it, you'll look extremely amateurish.

I mentioned this a little bit above, but watch out for talking heads, which is where you have sections of back and forth dialogue without any context, reactions, or other narration interspersed. Adding this helps give the dialogue greater depth, reveals the mood, and can help resolve ambiguities. In particular, the scene where the shadows discuss sending him on suffered from talking heads.

Also, you have numerous instances of incorrect dialogue punctuation. In the interest of keeping this a reasonable length, I refer you to Ezn's Guide for an explanation of the rules: http://derpy.me/EznGuideDialogue
However, I'll give you a few examples of incorrect punctuation within your fic to give you an idea of what to look for.
>“Ughrgdagh” He mumbled
>weak.” A comforting voice said
>electricity.” A masculine voice responded
>now.”, said the feminine one

Make sure you spell out numbers unless they are specific dates, ie year 2000. For example, when you say:
>He was on his 35th attempt
it should be
>He was on his thirty-fifth attempt
Although realistically, this is the type of detail that should probably be avoided.

You have a scene break that consists of "5 minutes later..." This looks amateurish and is a fairly contrived way to show passage of time. You could use distance travelled, internal thought, or another method if you particularly want to show that a short time has passed, but doing this is likely to make readers discount your fic.

Somewhat related to the above point, try to keep your narrative voice consistent. You use parenthetical statements (in parentheses) in narration which is generally bad form on its own, as a way of inserting a character's opinion on the situation into the story. When you use a third person narrator, you need to think of the narrator as a character separate from the others. The narrator should not adjust his narrative voice, just because your main character is confused or unfamiliar with the situation. Unless you want the narrator to interact with the story, (which is generally a bad idea unless it is an outright comedy with the effect used for humour, or you write the story in first person), the details of the story should not affect narrative voice.
Along the same lines, ellipses should only be used when someone's voice is trailing off (so think Fluttershy trying to talk to a crowd). Some writers try to use these as a catch-all method of introducing a pause, which is incorrect. So make sure that when you use an ellipsis, the word before is actually trailing off. Also, since the narrator shouldn't have his voice trail off, you should avoid using these in narration; unusual pauses can be indicated by commas or full stops.

Avoid using all caps as a way to show emphasis or shouting. This, similarly to ellipses, evolved from usage on the internet, but it looks amateurish when used in prose. Italics are the standard way of showing emphasis in narration, and if your dialogue is shouted, the word choice should convey this.

You have a lot of simple mistakes that you would probably catch with a basic proofread, like missing or incorrect words, missing spaces, missing punctuation, stuff like that.

I'm probably missing a decent amount of stuff, but there's enough that I don't think getting it in one review would be feasible.
I realise that my recommendations may be a little harsher than you expected. If you want to discuss ideas or ask questions, feel free to contact me by email (email is in trip).

Keep writing. I can understand if this review makes you less inclined to pursue this particular story, but please don't consider this a discouragement from continuing writing.
>> No. 108505
Tags: [Action] [Thriller]

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15R29qGenp9oZHxyvjguc-iAceT1TgP4FzAv3u-m9nyE/edit

Synopsis: Equestria's most elusive and audacious jewel thief goes up against Equestria’s most brilliant inspector. "The Magpie VS The Lens" is a newspaper headline seven years in the making, and the scene for this final heist is nothing less than the royal palace itself! Will the real Magpie please stand up?

Comments/requests: Any advice at all would be appreciated, but definitely point out plot-related hiccups and common-sense potholes. Since this is supposed to be a caper, I'm worried about maintaining the reader's mood and energy. If something doesn't make sense when it's supposed to, or comes off as dumb when it should be mysterious or suspenseful, that's a problem.

Some advice on more appropriate tags would be spiffy, too.
>> No. 108508
>>http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/97756.html#i100200

I did a bit of searching and noticed that Umbra seems to have claimed this a long time ago. Possibly in a galaxy far, far away. Why is it still on the Queue? Did Umbra drop it? Is this a second request?

If it really does need a review, I'll totally claim it.
>> No. 108510
>>108348
Thanks for this!

My brain is shorting out on me, so I don't know what else to say but that.

It was much appreciated. I'm surprised at just how many faults there were though. I ran this through an editor, and was pretty sure he'd done a good job. Guess I'll get two next time.
>> No. 108517
>>108508
Go ahead, but you might want to see if the author is still interested in a review. Umbra's been cleared from that fic in the queue.
>> No. 108519
>>108505
I'll have at this, if you like. Fair warning though, I'm still new.

Don't expect me to be able to sniff out too many grammatical details, though if I find them I'll try and point them out, but if all you want is a general overview, I can certainly due my best.
>> No. 108525
Got another one for y'all. When you have dialogue in dialogue, do you capitalize the inner stuff?

Example: "So I said, 'Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.'"

Do you capitalize "well?"
>> No. 108526
Also, for someone stuttering, dash, em dash, or ellipsis?

Wh... Who's there?
>> No. 108527
>>108526

For stuttering, I'd use a hyphen: "Wh-who's there?"

For interruption, use an em-dash:
"Wh--" The knock came again, louder this time. "Who's there?"

For hesitance, use ellipses:
"Wh..." Tom paused to gather his nerves. "Who's there?"
>> No. 108528
>>108525

I believe your example sentence is correct.
>> No. 108534
>>108426

And once again, you have my thanks, melknin.

As you noted, I'm already about the business of fixing things up, so I don't have a great deal to say on any individual point you made that I haven't said on the Doc itself. In general, I have found your comments to be quite helpful, particularly your advice on rewording certain sentences.

I do have one general question for you, if I may: the EqD reviewer dinged me for "a tendency for blockish info dumps in the chapter openings." Were you struck by this at all? I certainly had some awkward sentences, especially in parts 1 and 2, but info-dumping? Did you get any sense of that as you read?

>Having finish parts 3-5, I have to say that I'm now actually quite drawn into the story and I think you're showing a lot of promise.

Reading this really brought a smile to my face. Hopefully, with some of the advice you've offered, I'll be able to maintain a strong narrative as I launch into the real meat of the story.

>So you've got what it takes, but I think you've got some serious revision work ahead of you before you can push this story out the door.

A quick question on this one: do you think the problems with parts 1 and 2 are so systemic that they should be re-written from scratch? There's a lot I like in those parts, so if I could salvage them with some restructuring, I'd prefer to do so. I know I'm ultimately the judge on this, but I'd value your input.

>Thank you for being gracious in your response. I think in retrospect my reviewing is rather harsh and critical, but you handled it appropriately and pushed back on solid points. And after all, I'm a random stranger from the internet, not an expert. So take it all with a grain of salt. ;)

On the contrary, I thought you were a very kind and thorough reviewer. I particularly appreciated that you took the time to note metaphors or bits of dialog that you thought were well-written. Seeing bright spots drifting in the sea of errors really takes the edge off.

So, in summary, 4 stars, would ask to review again. In fact, I hope you won't object if I drop you a line when I've finished fixing up the early chapters and have pushed farther into the main plot of the story.
>> No. 108535
>>108345
Thank you very much for the review. I assure you that I did proof read... just not nearly as well as I should have, apparently. My apologies. I'll do my best to make the necessary corrections, both mechanical and stylistic.
>> No. 108541
>>108534

>I do have one general question for you, if I may: the EqD reviewer dinged me for "a tendency for blockish info dumps in the chapter openings." Were you struck by this at all? I certainly had some awkward sentences, especially in parts 1 and 2, but info-dumping? Did you get any sense of that as you read?

I only really got the sense of that in part 2 when you were introducing Dunstable. However, it may have just been exacerbated by the language of the chapter. So maybe it'll flow better after a revision anyway. At any rate, that wasn't something I didn't found to be much on an issue myself.

>A quick question on this one: do you think the problems with parts 1 and 2 are so systemic that they should be re-written from scratch? There's a lot I like in those parts, so if I could salvage them with some restructuring, I'd prefer to do so. I know I'm ultimately the judge on this, but I'd value your input.

I think your writing in parts 4-5 contrasts significantly with parts 1-2 (and to a lesser extent, part 3), so I do think it needs a lot of changes. I would honestly recommend rewriting the first two parts from scratch. It is of course up to you whether you do so, but I think either way a good revision would leave it quite distinct from the original.

As a thought: in the writing I just did, I made some pretty large changes in my first revision, but the way I did it was more or less rewriting it paragraph by paragraph. So the story maintained the same scenes and action, but the language was significantly changed. You may find this a good way of keeping the events and your original intentions intact (and even specific bits you think still work well) while allowing you to use the voice you've found later in the story.

> In fact, I hope you won't object if I drop you a line when I've finished fixing up the early chapters and have pushed farther into the main plot of the story.

Sure, send me a message or some such and I can take a look at it when I get a chance.
>> No. 108542
>>108510

>It was much appreciated. I'm surprised at just how many faults there were though. I ran this through an editor, and was pretty sure he'd done a good job. Guess I'll get two next time.

Well I think it was pretty good before I started, so don't take my running through it with a fine-toothed comb to be a huge criticism on the work as a whole. I think people just have different reactions and look for different things. I'm willing to bet that even after addressing the points I brought up, a third reviewer would have even more comments still.
>> No. 108544
>>108348
>Light poured out from inside, making her recoil.
>There shouldn't be a comma here.

>Her eyes clenched shut and her face scrunched up as the cold air wrapped around her.
>There should be a comma here.

Actually, both of these were good as is.

First one:
"making her recoil" is a participial phrase, which should be set off with a comma.

Second one:
There are two potential meanings for "as." When it's used to mean "while," you typically won't use a comma, unless there's just a strong natural urge to pause at that point in the sentence. Using a comma more often gives the sense that you mean it as "because."
>> No. 108547
>>108544
>First one:
>"making her recoil" is a participial phrase, which should be set off with a comma.

Fair enough.

>Second one:
>...

I actually meant that there should be a comma before the and. This is a compound sentence, is it not?
>> No. 108550
File 134067640569.jpg - (84.18KB , 1023x723 , 4493__princess-celestia_artist-steamroller988.jpg )
108550
>>105905

I will review this. Yes. I will do it.
>> No. 108561
>>108550
Thank you, kind sir.
>> No. 108575
>>108517
Good idea. Checkup email sent.

Does anyone know why Umbra was cleared from the fic? No big deal. Just curious.
>> No. 108584
>>108575

Claimed nearly two months ago, no sign of progress. What do you think? In fact, his name should have been cleared about a month earlier.

So no real reason besides the fact that the author probably doesn't care anymore and now hates us because of some random one time reviewer. It's a shame.
>> No. 108590
>>108584
I'll see what I can do about it.
>> No. 108596
File 134070572853.jpg - (276.44KB , 1038x1600 , 198258 - Alicorn artist andypriceart Nightmare_Moon princess traditional_art.jpg )
108596
To the author: Please don't take any of the below personally. I don't know what, if anything, you're dealing with, but I recently lost my closest family member, so I know what death means. If you have questions or disagreements, I'd be glad to follow up in a less sardonic tone.

Well, this is great. Real fucking sublime. I finally decide to spend some of my salt on the sluggish authors weedle-ing around the TTG, and what happens? Of all the stories in the queue, I choose someone's pathological paean to an impossibly impeccable inamorato.

I spent the better part of my reviewing time concocting bitter spitefulnesses and venomous slurs that would have burned through the heart of an ogre. Now, as I listen to Kip Berman coo, "Even in dreams, I cannot betray you," I feel as though I've been had.

Listen to what this old fox writes:

Dedicated to Thomas, whom I love more than even he fully realizes.
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my fanfiction.
I truly appreciate every comment you make- positive or negative.


Yes! the blackguard wrote that—stuck it right at the end of the story! What a desiccated old liver this author is, I thought to myself upon reaching that foul subscript, as I poured myself another glass of whiskey and cursed God for his ironic perfidy. How can I destroy this abomination in good conscience, now that I know it to be the author's last remaining horcrux?

The short answer: I found a way.

The plot of "I'll Never Forget" is drooled out thus: Derpy, the wall-eyed mailmare, meets a ravishing stallion named Charity while gliding a solid, hefty package into his front door. They fall in love, marry, and reproduce. At the climax of the story, Derpy, like a black widow, kills Charity and consumes his flesh for sustenence. Yet he's not really dead, for he lives on—in Derpy's and Dinky's hearts, minds, and muffins.

Oh—all this is told in flashbacks from the present, in which Derpy is fast asleep and dreaming, presumably about the events of the story.

My first problem is with the means of Charity's death: I cannot understand why he was not killed by crucifixion, for he clearly represents Jesus Christ. Yet the parallel is not complete, for the Nazarene's death came about because of a morally significant choice on his part. It's not the mere fact that a bad thing happened to a good person which makes the Gospel story compelling; it's that the protagonist made a voluntary choice for goodness, and suffered as a result. The present author makes a fragmentary, trifling attempt at proving that Charity's death is a result of his choice, but the matter is merely touched upon and quickly passed over, like an aging prostitute. The author seems not to realize that a climactic death alone, unaided by any significant rising action leading into it, cannot prevent a moribund tale like "I'll Never Forget" from reaching an early grave.

If there was some sensible reason for Charity's death, one that was introduced and developed over the course of the story, then there would at least be a plot. Instead, the crucial central event is left to the final chapter, and it careens in from out of nowhere with all the subtlety of a speeding carriage.

What, then, occupies the first two chapters? A few thousand syllables of clinical, sterile romance writing. The courtship of Derpy and Charity is a Kix romance: kid-tested, mother-approved. In these twin towers of old-fashioned American cheese, I believe "blushed" is the most frequently-employed verb. At one point, I actually had to stop reading, collect myself, and ask: Blushing twice? Can you do that?

Derpy blushed, and Charity bowed, asking “May I have this dance, madame?” causing another massive blush to escape from Derpy.

Hot damn, I thought, as I imagined Derpy's sexy ass blushing to match her face. Maybe there's something to this story after all.

However, it is with no pleasure at all that I report I have found, after reviewing the material with all due soberness and sensitivity, nothing in the first two chapters which is not insipid.

Listen to me:

The characters are puppets. They talk exactly like a piece of felt talks when it has a hand jammed up its ass and is being told what to say by a very sheltered, very white person.
The narration reminds me of Sesame Street.
The story is comprised mostly of shitty little undeveloped conflicts which are about as meaningful as a Bangladeshi child's life.
When the story isn't showing off its meager peaks of episodicism, it falls into the troughs of luxury, imbibing en masse the sinful kool-aid of ponysexual ponyglee. This luxury quickly becomes tiresome, and is never gratifying; the obstacles to its attainment are so shallow, so silly, and so easily resolved, I was never in any doubt as to whether the ship would float or sink.
Flashing to Dinky's POV for the scenes which were set in the present was a nice thought, but it only that—a nice thought. In real terms, it accomplished very little, and this is because Dinky didn't actually do a damn thing until the story was over. If Dinky had a subplot more intricate than deciphering Derpy's retarded facial expressions, her part might have been interesting.
Mechanical errors abound in this story like fungus in the shower. I'm happy to refer the author to Ezn's guide <https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit> for advice on speech attribution, ellipsis usage, and the proper way to use an em dash, but as for capitalization errors and missing end-of-sentence punctuation: there's no excuse.

After some analysis, I was left wondering why this story was written. I settled upon this paragraph as the most definitive, most enlightening excerpt from which to extract the author's purpose in writing:

It was an act of love, a love stronger than his own survival instinct. In the end, he DID live up to his name. Charity. In his will, which he had made when they got married (always prepared), he left everything to her- even some secret funds to be used in emergency. He left no debts, all of them payed off with what he had at the time of the accident. She learned that his last few hours were spent negotiating his affairs while Derpy slept. He gave everything for her and Dinky, and she loved him for that. She wished she could hold him, so he could tell her it'd be alright. She sat down at the breakfast table, before getting up again to grab a third plate. Dinky knew why- it was her mother and father's would be 10th wedding anniversary. Dinky smiled at her mother, a tear coming from her eye. Derpy walked over and hugged her, tears streaming from both of their eyes. They were good tears.

This paragraph, placed near the end of the last chapter, is filled with details which have no basis in the rest of the story, tie up no loose ends, and serve only to further aggrandize the deceased saviorstallion. After adding this evidence to all the rest, I conclude that the author has written "I'll Never Forget" only for the catharsis it has brought him or her, and not for any other reader's enjoyment.

"Now Nietzsche," I hear you asking, "aren't you being a little harsh with your criticism? Clearly the author wrote this story from a difficult place. Have you no heart?" Now surely this is a stupid question. I have several hearts, arranged in jars on my special shelf, right next to my good whiskey. The question a reviewer must ask is not Whether a story was good for the author to write?, but Whether a story makes for good reading? And self-indulgence almost never makes for good reading.

Perhaps the author will, with a little reflection on this point, understand why I have been so harsh with him or her. After all, constructing witty, verbose opprobrium is an intensely entertaining activity for a bored reviewer. Doesn't a self-indulgent story merit a self-indulgent review?
>> No. 108602
>>108596
>At the climax of the story, Derpy, like a black widow, kills Charity and consumes his flesh for sustenence.
For six glorious seconds, I wanted to read this story very badly.
I will never forgive you for this.
>> No. 108609
But not for a story review. I've come to ask you guys a question, seeing as some of you are story hardened editing veterans. Take a look at this. I was really upset and kind of angry during the time, and I was wondering what you all thought of it. Could this somehow be an idea for a fiction for someone else? https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GDjRA53g2Oga__wvXA5lngRp2YeWPvB3QkMwIspNUDo/edit I don't know. If it does inspire someone to write something, I'd love to see the outcome. What someone can write with such a paragraph. Thanks for everyone's time, and this doesn't even have to be replied to, or be written in long ideas.
>> No. 108615
Sad, Comedy, Shipping, Dark

Rainbow Dash just wants to be awesome, be a hero, and fulfill her dream of being a Wonderbolt. But she learns the hard way that the Element of Loyalty is all about choices, rather you want to make them or not. Turning to her literary hero for guidance, Dash beings a journey of self-sacrifice and ultimately, love.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BtxrY61KAME3T59bzc78ah_IXemWh5gT3IGrPf4Zvck/edit

Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Scootaloo, Daring Do, Original Characters

Incomplete
>> No. 108662
>>108596
Thank you for your time.
>> No. 108664
>>108596
"To the author: Please don't take any of the below personally. I don't know what, if anything, you're dealing with, but I recently lost my closest family member, so I know what death means. If you have questions or disagreements, I'd be glad to follow up in a less sardonic tone."

Think we can get a bit fairer of a review? Honestly this seemed like a bullshit review.

I have read this story and thought it was wonderful, and even I myself am a bit of a critical reader.

But you didn't even give any constructive criticism. You just tore the entire story apart for practically no reason.

Not to mention the little dedication at the end was added MONTHS after the story itself was written.

I would appreciate it if you would give a bit fairer of a review, and actually try to HELP the author become better versus borderline bullying him.

Thanks.
>> No. 108668
Before I start, I would like to point out a small mistake on the queue. It stills says that Part 8 of my fic is still being reviewed despite the fact that I already received the feedback and acknowledged it days ago.

Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 9: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aLFVx1gAHjcSnkX_nwGDg37FXAJA3EvhHncY868DHEs/edit

Comments: I would like to have my review in-doc.
>> No. 108669
File 134075666321.jpg - (149.92KB , 768x1024 , 139169 - artist raikoh14 epic glowing Magic twilight_sparkle.jpg )
108669
>>108664

Yes, of course.

I knew I was probably going too far. I guess I just got carried away in the frenzy of composing bitter rhetoric, probably as a subconscious release for some personal issue or other which I have no business foisting upon the author. I'll give a real review and be nice.

>Not to mention the little dedication at the end was added MONTHS after the story itself was written.

I had no way of knowing that.

>>108662

You're far too polite.
>> No. 108671
>>108668
Was the review done via in-doc chat/GChat/something else? Nothing was ever posted in TTG about a review or an acknowledgement. That's the only way we'll know.
>> No. 108678
File 134075870837.png - (834.38KB , 900x1671 , sacri_by_gueuzav-dfm6u4.png )
108678
>>107888

I have reviewed this fic with the author through IRC PMs. It's done.
>> No. 108679
>>108671
It was done via the comments.
>> No. 108681
>>108669
Thank you, because this author deserves a fair review. One that may actually help him versus hinder his will to write.

Again, thanks.
>> No. 108682
>>108678
Posting a review/acknowledgement under a different name than the claim? *sigh* You're not making it easy on the maintainers.
>> No. 108683
I wonder... has anyone reviewed for readability and story instead of errors and style of being written? (Dang, that was terrible grammar.) That, or is it done with the errors and things like that. Just a random question that came to mind.
>> No. 108685
>>107385 >>108367
Many detailed comments left in doc.

Chapter 1:
Mechanics/Style:
A surprising number of issues, given that this fic had been edited multiple times, but through detailed explanations of what's wrong, why, how to spot the problems, and how to fix them, I trust you can root them out from now on.

The repeated problems were:
Punctuation/capitalization when transitioning out of a quote
Repetitive words/phrases
Stacking up multiple like structures in a sentence (usually nominative absolutes, but occasionally participles or specific kinds of dependent clauses).
Switching to other characters in a nominative absolute instead of using it to describe those already in the sentence.
Applejack's accent is too thick, making it a stumbling block to reading the story.

I'll also take a moment to talk about show-versus-tell. There were quite a few places where emotions were explicitly stated instead of showing me the character's demeanor and letting me deduce the emotions. Sometimes that's okay, but it should be in the minority. I've marked the spots where I felt it needed to be improved, but you should also keep it in mind throughout your story. Telling is fine for exposition dumps or minor details, but you want to show most of the time.

Characterization:
This was definitely a strength. I did mark a couple of specific places where I wasn't on board with a character's behavior, but for the most part, their actions felt in character. Rarity in particular was quite good, but that's not surprising, as she is best pony.

Plot:
Also quite enjoyable. We pretty much just have a comedy so far, so I'm interested to see how you bring in the other tags. Comedy and Sad are two of my specialties, so this should be right up my alley.

Comedy is definitely not easy to do well. Even when it is done well, there's still the problem of personal taste. What one finds hilarious another finds stupid. And thus Jim Carrey keeps finding work.

I found that the jokes landed consistently here, and this chapter was a thoroughly enjoyable read.

Normally, I'd go into depth about plot holes here, but I didn't find any.

So, what now?
I'll continue on with the subsequent chapters, but I'm not going to mark the same mechanical problems anymore. You've got the tools to deal with them now, so I'll only mark mechanical problems that haven't happened before.

Being on two strikes would certainly make one nervous, so I wouldn't fault you for getting another pair of eyes on this chapter to be absolutely sure you pass the pre-readers, but imho this is a fic clearly deserving of being posted at EqD. You could technically go ahead and do that when you feel that chapter 1 is ready, since that's all you need for your initial acceptance.

This story is quite reminiscent of one I saw here: >>89358
Food for thought, eh?

Despite its flaws, this must be counted a success. Knock those out so this fic can really shine. Good job, and I look forward to reading the rest of this story. And here's your obligatory "Keep writing, and have fun with it."
>> No. 108687
>>108683
Ideally, a reviewer does all of the above, but the ones that don't will typically give plot/character help more so than mechanical. You can make your preferences known in your request for a review.
>> No. 108688
>>108687
Thanks, I was actually thinking about reading some of them for that reason, to see the readability and enjoyment.
>> No. 108689
Got a style one for y'all.

I've noticed that a lot of my paragraphs, especially ones after dialogue, always end up staring with a name. "Twilight stared..." "Rainbow couldn't believe..."

Any advice on different sentence structures?
>> No. 108691
>>108682

My apologies, Pascoite. I neglected to change my name back.
>> No. 108703
File 134077444580.png - (98.32KB , 400x267 , 1.png )
108703
>>108689
Personally, I use a sprinkling of scene-building e.g. "The silence settled for a good few seconds before she finally spoke". If the subject of your sentence is different, then the sentence structure won't need as much change, since the variety you're trying to invoke is, well, halfway there. Also, describing scenes is different from describing characters, or so I'd feel, and so the sentence structures involved would naturally be different.
>> No. 108707
>>108161
Wow. I hadn't realized there were so many mistakes. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me. Thanks for taking the time to review!
>> No. 108714
>>108707
My pleasure. I hope my review wasn't too short, since you actually written... 10+ chapters already, although I should have caught most of your systemic errors.
>> No. 108715
>>107385 >>108367 >>108685
One other thing I forgot to mention:

I didn't go back to verify that this is 100% true, but I was left with the impression that whenever you should have been using "than," you used "then" instead. I am sure I corrected it several times, at least.

"Then" is used for chronological ordering or indicating a cause/effect relationship. "Than" is used for comparisons.
>> No. 108720
>>107562
Claiming.

This will be a fairly thorough review; it should be done in a few days. The story looks comparatively solid mechanically, so I should be able to proofread it completely. Other than that...we'll see.

And yes, I am the type of reviewer who leaves a lot of comments. I'll let you know if I run into any trouble.
>> No. 108724
Claiming Digi's "Contact"
I've exchanged emails with the author, and yes: he was ignored for a while and wandered off.

>>108681
>Thank you, because this author deserves a fair review. One that may actually help him versus hinder his will to write.

This, here, is the key difference between bluntness and bullying: the former is for the benefit of the author, and the latter is for the satisfaction of the reviewer and the amusement of spectators. I read it myself, and I laughed. Then I remembered it was being pointed at a person. I kinda stopped laughing after that.

That being said, no need to coddle. A completely fair and candid review is already an experience on par with being dragged across a giant cheese grater while your friends and family point and laugh.
>> No. 108725
File 134082359348.jpg - (48.45KB , 407x407 , 3523yh.jpg )
108725
>>108724
Pic related.

On a different note, I've dealt with critical viewpoints on my story. That's just fine with me.
Having someone tear my story apart piece by piece and basically telling me to take the story down... That's a little different.
>> No. 108756
Here's a good one. How reliable are published novels for grammar? Like, if I wrote something how I saw it in a book, and a reviewer says its incorrect, who would be right?
>> No. 108760
>>108756
Impossible to say without a specific example. Reviewers aren't infallible, and neither are novel authors. The other thing to consider about published authors is that they may well have gained enough credibility with their writing quality to make intentional errors for effect, and the reader will assume that's what's happening instead of considering it a mistake.

TL;DR: Many published works have mistakes, intentional or otherwise, and very few reviewers have an exhaustive knowledge of grammar.
>> No. 108763
File 134084755989.png - (2.50KB , 64x32 , skin_20120619130209101490.png )
108763
>>108461

P^5 is now MINE to review!
>> No. 108776
File 134085458311.jpg - (20.78KB , 172x292 , b5773d1d.jpg )
108776
>>108461

Grammar:

Overall, this story had good grammar. However, you have a severe case of LUS and use many fancy, pretentious words for such a lighthearted plot. You also used alliteration too much for my taste.


Plot:

Your plot needs improvement. I thought it was quite vague and lacked continuity. It never really made sense, but it wasn't all bad. It had some nice action in it that, sadly, you cut off too soon.


Your story isn't ready to be published, but you're on your way.


Regards,

The Man in the Box
>> No. 108802
[#Comedy]

Length: 5k~ words
Synopsis: A dud prophecy turns the townsfolk wary of the Elements of Harmony. The only solution to restore friendship: make the prophecy come true and temporarily take the reins as Ponyville's new overlords. The Mane Six are going to learn just how hard it can be to be the bad guys...

GDocs (commenting on): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Sx5RsJC2HZiF-soPCm2ev9sA_OkeM-jfFjkL9FFkSOs/edit
FimFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23900/In-Character

Comments: Rejected once from EqD for a bevy of stylistic and subtle grammatical errors. (EqD pre-reader comments, and my changes in respect to same, are in the GDoc.) This is the first fiction I've ever willingly written, so I really need a honed eye for grammer/style! I hope I've mostly fixed the issues myself, but two areas I haven't been able to work out are "Tense confusion" and "Dialogue punctuation" according to the pre-reader. Any eagle-eyed proofreaders who can ferret out mistakes along those lines are very appreciated!

I'm working on the second chapter now but it's hampered by wanting to continually go back and revise the first. I won't feel comfortable re-submitting until I know it's good.

Thank you!
>> No. 108804
File 134087500929.png - (293.57KB , 850x705 , 135961 - crossover edit fluttershy humanized konata_izumi Lucky_Star rainbow_dash tsukasa_hiirag.png )
108804
>>108776
Sorry to intrude, but could you kindly be more specific with regards to plot suggestions? "It never really made sense" for instance; perhaps you can highlight the areas of the plot which stood out enough for you to produce this conclusion. It just seems a bit sparse, that's all.
>> No. 108809
>>108776

Thank you muchly for your review and thoughts! I hope to talk a little more about it and them with you, just for clarification and specifics :3
>> No. 108810
Title: All the Stars in the Sky
Tags: Romance, Sad

Synopsis: Every month, Octavia plays privately for Princess Luna as she paints the night sky. Each time, Octavia feels that familiar feeling, one she's rarely ever felt before. Now she has decided that it is time to announce these feelings, but what secret prevents her from doing so? Surely the Princess of the Night would be able to understand her own creation, right?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33735/All-the-Stars-in-the-Sky

I sent this into Equestria Daily, was declined for these reasons:
- Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I realize you're trying to be descriptive, and it's nice to see that, but you went rather overboard. From describing how Octavia gets a sunburn to the layout of her home to the hallways of Canterlot castle. It's nice, but too much. Try dialing it back a bit.

- Motivations. It's implied that Octavia's been playing for Luna for quite some time, but it's very sketchy on the details, so the start of the realization of feelings on both parts (Octavia's inner doubt in particular) is exceedingly jarring and rather confusing. Luna may be used to snap realizations, considering her age and powers, but Octavia comes off as both older than she actually is and very immature emotionally at the same time.

- Inconsistencies. Octavia's home's air is stale? Sorry, but unless a place has been well-sealed up for several months, there's almost no way for that to occur. Octavia may play often for Luna, but unless she's almost living somewhere other than her home save for a couple nights a month, that's unfeasible. Same goes with the description of her diary, with you making it sound like it's much, much older than it is. When you first referenced it, I had a mental image of it being an aged tome belonging to her parents or grandparents or a mentor. You may wish to rectify this.

I fixed the diary and the 'stale air' problems, but I'm don't know if those are the only problems.
Also, the LUS here confused me a bit. I don't think I used it more than once or twice...
I'm also stuck with the Motivations. I just can't grasp that part, for whatever reason, so if the reviewer could please expound it a bit, I'd appreciate it.
I was also told the mistakes are systematic.
>> No. 108818
File 134091119936.png - (156.77KB , 358x337 , Twilight - Aaaaaaaand post_.png )
108818
>>107562

Okay, here we go. I'll start with some of the good parts. First, the concept is interesting, and sounds quite original. I can see a lot of places that you could go with it. I don't know exactly what you have planned, and two chapters isn't enough to get significantly into the plot, so I can't say too much regarding that. It looks solid so far, though.

Next, the characters. It looks like you're going for a cast composed almost completely of OCs. Very daring; very dangerous. Thus far, you've done a good job avoiding treading into Mary Sue territory. Keep doing that. Again, there's not too much to say here. They look good.

You've also avoided other common pitfalls such as LUS (as far as I noticed) and, for the most part, did a good job of explaining your world without resorting to infodumps.

In other words, this is by no means a terrible story. For the most part, you clearly know what you're doing and are doing it well. Good job with that. That said, there are significant issues.

You don't make a lot of blatant, distracting grammatical and stylistic mistakes, and I noticed almost no spelling errors. However, there are still several things that consistently trip you up. This stuff is mostly covered in the comments I left on the doc, but here's a summary of what I remember seeing:
- Lots of blank spaces where commas were needed, especially during dialogue.
- Lots of commas where semicolons and periods were needed, especially during dialogue.
- Use of hyphens when you needed em dashes (also a lack of dashes in general; while this isn't strictly a problem, they are incredibly useful and avoiding them is a bit of a waste).
- Missing hyphens in phrases that needed to be hyphenated
- Misuse of action/said tags in dialogue. When sticking them between sentences, you need periods at the end. I marked several of these in the document, but there were a lot more that I ignored.

None of this impedes readability too much, but they are evidence of key misunderstandings regarding some of the subtler points of grammar and style. Brush up on the things I mentioned and you should be fine.

Now for a bigger problem: the pacing. It's simply too slow. The first chapter drags on forever, and the second (while better) still takes too long. You seem to be in the habit of telling everything that goes on. This is bad. Reading about students sitting in a classroom is almost as boring as sitting in a classroom yourself. Reading about a kid being bored with homework is tedious and dull. We don't need to hear about every part of Kite's life in excruciating detail. In my comments, I pointed out a couple of scenes you could probably cut or shorten significantly without losing much; that's a good starting point, but it doesn't fix the problem completely. The story is a lot longer than it needs to be right now.

A related problem: For an adventure/grimdark story, this has very little adventure and almost no grimdark so far (I mean, sure, his cutie mark got cut off and replaced, but that was offscreen and felt fairly routine). It feels very slice-of-life-y right now, and is rather dull as a result. I imagine the excitement level will pick up in later chapters (if not, make the excitement level rise in later chapters), but I can't see a lot of readers sticking with this story long enough to see it pick up. Everything is just too slow and too routine right now.

I wish I could offer more advice regarding those two things, but I can't really. The best I can offer is to trim everything down significantly. Enter scenes late, leave them early. Having some slow-paced sections is fine, but . . . don't make the entire thing that pace.

Like I said at the beginning, I can see this story going a lot of interesting places. It isn't fundamentally flawed, but it needs a lot of trimming and polishing to be truly good.

Sorry that I can't offer more. Good luck.
>> No. 108859
>>108668
Dibs
>> No. 108871
I have finished reviewing the first chapter of "Contact."

The overall summary is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wZs6o_97WIIqA-CRCDn6ug73Suf4jDY76izuBGq6Zuw/edit

The ridiculously dense and nit-picky Line-by-line commentary is here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SAGOOAEJ3MeNXmmLm_d6tjtUkmUjLUKWcpv-qU_Tafs/edit

Somebody please tell me if my line-by-lines are useless or not. My reviews would be done in a fraction of the time if I didn't have to worry about them.
>> No. 108882
File 134094867668.png - (550.51KB , 1000x500 , 198000 - artist rainbow twilight_sparkle.png )
108882
>>108871

Extensive line-by-line comments are great—for stories that are already strongly plotted and employ an appropriate style; in other words, stories that will not need to undergo any major revisions which would render a set of niggling line edits pointless.

The important thing, when reviewing stories that are still in the early stages of the creative process, is to point out errors or infelicities of language once they being to look systemic. Try to avoid pointing out isolated issues which are not objectively wrong or which are very minor. You're worth more as a reviewer if you can give more feedback on more important issues to more people in less time.

Remember also that it's not your responsibility to write an author's story for them; that's their job. Your job is to give feedback on stories, and if necessary, personalized instruction on ways the author can improve his storytelling craft.

That being said, I haven't looked at your comments on "Contact" except to note that they putter out before three pages are up... it's a lot of work to examine a story in such minute detail, and in the end—well, I've tried to do those line-by-lines a few times myself, and I've usually ended up losing sight of the story's big picture in the process, and putting out an apparently thorough but conceptually weak review.

tl;dr: IMO crafting a well thought-out plot analysis is a better use of your time than making mechanical grammar and style corrections.
>> No. 108918
In light of recent additions to the canon of Team Fortress 2, I've decided to pull my TF2 crossover, Giggle at the Gespenst, from the queue and start over. Incidentally, if you haven't watched Meet the Pyro yet, do it. Do it now. It is hilarious.
>> No. 108936
File 134099933351.png - (49.73KB , 186x186 , 1473264-8346013627513076_l_super.png )
108936
>>108918
>In light of recent additions to the canon of Team Fortress 2

Not much changed, except that now we know that the team fears the Pyro (Except the Engineer, who in the Smissmas and Dr. Goidberg comic were together and being friends) and that the Pyro sees things differently. It's enough to be able to change small variables of your story, unless it deals heavily with the pyro.

Also, when you return I will be automatically be claiming your fic. I am obsessed with TF2 at the moment, and while I can't seem to concentrate on any fics at the moment in my review thread due to personal problems, I think I could do it for a TF2 crossover. Be warned, however, as I know the canon like the back of my hand.
>> No. 108947
>>108818

Review acknowledged. Also I gotta say: feels like I've been getting real lucky with reviewers lately who know what they're doing. I'll get to sorting this stuff out I guess.
>> No. 108954
Here we go. My second review so far.

Sorry I took so long. On top of trying to make sure this was made with a degree of intelligence and reason, I’ve had a bit on my plate as well.

I liked the story, but it has a few problems. My main complaint has to do less with plot and more with form.

If you want the proper review, you can click the link below. Warning, spoilers within for those among you who decide to take a peek for the fun of it:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jtYAWfxEgUrXhjR6RT0p8HS4Hu75EpsVo37JKpftoGM/edit
>> No. 108969
File 134102279416.jpg - (106.47KB , 728x1097 , we_are_pleased__by_lilytrader-d4qyjuo_png.jpg )
108969
>>108662
>>108664
>>108681
>>108725

Words matter. As my previous review illustrates, there are good ways and bad ways to use words. I used my words, before, to amuse myself at another's expense. That was wrong of me. As I write these words, I am straddled with a sense of my own responsibility; my hope is that these words, which are being written in order to make other people's words work better, will do only good work, as good words should.

Words matter. In fiction, words are everything. There is no element of fiction, no rule of storytelling, no plot device or trope, that cannot be thought of as an answer to the all-important question: What words should be written? Without words, there are no stories. Without good words, there are no good stories. For an aspiring writer, therefore, learning to choose the good word—the right word—the best possible word—is the most important skill to develop. It is the deep magic and exacting science upon which the lives of all fictional worlds depend.

Witness these words, the opening lines to shortskirtsandexplosions's acclaimed "Background Pony":

>Dear Journal,
>When did music begin? Did it begin with a question? Or an exclamation? Was somepony laughing? Or sobbing? Was that pony alone? Or was there an audience?

With twenty-nine words, the author immerses us head-first into a world of mysteries, a world of questions that beg to be answered, a world as seen through the eyes of a particular questioner about whom we immediately want to learn more. The thoughtful locution renders us thoughtful; the unusual subject delights and intrigues us; the stark alternatives excite our imaginations. These words work, and everyone who has begun "Background Pony" has benefitted from them.

And that's a lot of people—over 15,000 at present. It seems, then, that effectively chosen words can draw readers in and leave them satisfied. The conclusion? Learning to write well—to choose effective words—is worth the effort. So the first piece of advice I'm going to give you is to keep writing, keep learning, and keep improving, and know that in life honest effort is never wasted, even when it bears no visible fruit.

With that, let's move on to the nitty-gritty. If storytelling is a matter of piecing words together for effect, then it's important to understand how words relate to one another, in order to employ groups of words effectively. The most basic rules governing the relations of words to words are those of grammar. Therefore, the first thing a writer must study and learn is the grammar of his chosen language. You have a decent grasp of basic English grammar, but you seem to be unclear on some of the particulars which are more relevant to the written than to the spoken language.

You confuse the word to with the word too in a number of places.
>Before Charity started looking to sad
>a little to harshly
>And eventually, even stones break if hit to hard, to much.
To is a preposition. "He went to the store." "They went to bed."
Too means overly, excessively, to an inappropriate degree. "Even stones will break if they are hit too hard, too often."

>each others' arms
>each others arms
>each others arms
The correct spelling is
>each other's arms.

You spell a few words incorrectly:
Omygosh / This is normally spelled omigosh, though, as a slang word, it has no truly standard spelling.
pegasis / should be pegasus
visa-versa / should be vice-versa
rubys / should be rubies
personelle / should be personnel

You break with the conventions of capitalization in a few places:
>it was only after she said this that she noticed how mean she sounded.
should be It
>Derpy said “but can you ever forgive me?
should be But
>Fluttershy saw how mad I was, and She told me
should be she
>Ponyville Post office
should be Office (because you're referring to a specific post office by its proper name)
>“What're you, twins?” all three of them chuckled.
should be All
>She was happy that Charity trusted rainbow
should be Rainbow
>It was... Strange... when she pulled you aside like that...
should be strange
>asked her, “do you want to dance?”
should be Do

You fail to include end punctuation for a few sentences:
>Derpy teared up and read that second to last line over and over again
>He returned the glare, accepting her challenge
>She curtsied, replying “Absolutely”
>“So.. we.... we're gonna have a foal?” asked Charity

You employ dashes incorrectly throughout your story: you are using hyphens (-) when you should be using em dashes (—).
To type an em dash (on a PC with a number pad), hold Alt while typing 0151 into the number pad. Em dashes should be used with no space on either side—like this.
Alternatively, you can utilize an en dash (–) (Alt+0150) with spaces on both sides for the same effect.
To use dashes, put them around a parenthetical statement – like this – or before a sudden shift in the direction of your sentence – if you have the balls for it, that is.
I'll have more to say about your use of dashes in a moment. But first:

"Here is how a basic line of dialogue with a speech tag should be written," said Nietzsche, stirring his tea thoughtfully.
"If there's no tag—by which I mean a verb synonymous with 'said'—then you should consider the quote a complete sentence, and consider what comes after the quote the beginning of another sentence."
After taking a sip of tea, Nietzsche began animatedly scratching himself. "Damn these fleas!" he exclaimed.

Your poor grasp of the mechanics of dialogue haunts you throughout your story. Here is a small but hopefully representative sample of the myriad errors you've accumulated on this point.

>The stallion replied, “Here, let me try” and
should be
>The stallion replied, "Here, let me try," and
The end of Charity's line, being in the middle of the sentence, requires a comma.

>'Momma's favorite' she thought
should be
>"Momma's favorite," she thought
The end of Dinky's line, being in the middle of the sentence, requires a comma.

>and asked “What are you
should be
>and asked, "What are you
If a speech tag precedes a short quote, use a comma to separate them. For longer quotes, use a colon instead of a comma.

>recovering and saying “Oh...
should be
>recovering and saying, "Oh...
If a speech tag precedes a short quote, use a comma to separate them.

>before answering “It's my house you silly filly!
should be
>before answering, "It's my house, you silly filly!"
If a speech tag precedes a short quote, use a comma to separate them. Also, when one character addresses another by a name, as Charity does here with "you silly filly", that name should be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas. These are sometimes called "vocative commas".

>said “Oh... Hi Derpy...
should be
>said, "Oh... Hi, Derpy...
Another example of the vocative comma in action.

>“Yes.” was the simple word
should be
>"Yes," was the simple word
or perhaps
>"Yes" was the simple word
Note: Because it's not entirely clear whether you're actually quoting Nurse Redheart here or whether you're making a simple statement about the word "yes", I'm not sure which of these alternatives you ought to use.

The weirdest, most glaring problems with your dialogue came in places where you tried to begin a sentence in one paragraph and introduce a new speaker in that sentence, while still adhering to the rule of New Speaker, New Paragraph. This unnatural experiment gave birth to monstrosities like this:

>“ummm... I-” said Derpy, before being interrupted by Charity's
>“Sure.”

And this:

>There was ONE, however, who was completely out of the blue- the same stallion Charity told off a couple weeks ago- who came up to them and said
>“Derpy and Charity, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

And this:

>They walked in, and the crowd yelled
>“Surprise!”

In most cases, you can avoid this situation by reflecting for a moment and realizing that any sentence which would introduce a new speaker probably belongs in the new paragraph anyway, given its subject matter. And if you have a single sentence in which two characters speak, bust it in two. If you must use constructions like this, do so only for long or significant quotes, and precede the speech with a colon.

Now, for a few more issues.

You've left some compound words and modifiers unhyphenated, such as "tongue-lashing", "tired-looking", and "well-wishers".

Your semicolons are almost all wrong. I found one or two that were used correctly, but the rest need to be either replaced with colons or commas or struck altogether.

>Early one morning, a morning that was seemingly like every other morning, Dinky woke up and was immediately shocked by a crisp, clean smell; unlike the normal, sweet smell of cooking muffins.
One main use of a semicolon is to connect two complete sentences which relate to each other, but not strongly enough to warrant a more forceful conjunction. (The semicolon's other main use is separating elements of a list.) But all that comes after the semicolon in this sentence—which is the very first line of your story, by the way—is a fragment.

>What she saw, however, was completely unexpected; Derpy was still asleep with the same smile on her face.
You need a colon here, because the second half of the sentence completes the meaning of the first half by explaining exactly "what she saw".

>She felt... comfortable around Charity, for some reason; as if she had known him her entire life instead of just 1 day.
As it stands, the second half of this sentence is a fragment, so the semicolon is inappropriate. You could either replace the semicolon with a comma, or rewrite the second half and split this up into two sentences.

>Charity finally asked;
>“umm... Derpy? I have to ask you the same question... When did you... fall for me?”
Oh, look, it's another one of those monsters. But I think this one is actually fine, as long as you replace the semicolon with a colon (and capitalize Umm). Semicolons are never used to precede dialogue; that's the job of commas and colons.

>Reluctantly, Derpy agreed to come inside- wondering, the whole time, why she trusted this stallion; he sure was nicer to her than most ponies, but is that really a reason to trust him?
Ignoring this sentence's other missteps, the semicolon is used correctly here.

And finally (for now): Whoa, thought Nietzsche. I'm not sure why the author chose to indicate character thoughts with single quotes. Aren't italics used for that?

With that, I'm going to post what I have so far and keep writing. More parts to come.
>> No. 108981
>>108954

Wow. This review contains so much meaty goodness, it almost hurts. Thank you very much!

As for "where it's going," parts two and three are already complete. They focus on suspense and investigation, and include very little action. I'm going to see if I can apply your advice to all three parts before I submit anything again.
>> No. 108987
Review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17fB3TJ63Mlc-aDaqLUQ65UKAt3YxxpnXmeIuLzQRebY/edit

I am so sorry this took so long.
>> No. 108993
Seems like it's been a while since I reviewed. Guess I'll have to change that.

Alright, activate Friendship Program X!

Beep. Beep.

Claiming these fics. Not gonna offer an ETA though, cause those always bite me in the ass. Rest assured, I will make my reviews as helpful as possible.

>>108615 The Eight Color of the Rainbow
>>108375 The Fluttershy Effect
>>108810 All the Stars in the Sky
>>107081 Boredom is Contagious
>>107841 The Road to Ponyville
>>108303 To Endure

If you have any questions for me, feel free to email me.
>> No. 109003
File 134104774050.jpg - (8.19KB , 243x251 , 1331467314358s.jpg )
109003
>>108071
Okay, so that was done relatively quickly. Yay!

Line-by-line in doc.

Maintainers, the author's been replying to comments in-doc so I suppose you can mark this as acknowledged.

Please note that the following review is inevitably influenced by my own preferences. Replies, rebuttals and questions are most welcome.

Let's dive in, shall we?

First off, your summary:
>"Their work environment may seem rather large, their jobs and responsibilities may feel a little overwhelming, and they may have an eternity (or more) until retirement, but put that into perspective, and you might see that the values of higher beings come pretty close to our own."
As a reader looking for ponyfic, there are a limited number of interpretations for this. Compounding that with your title, one would expect the story to be about Discord and Celestia/Luna. Instead you have Discord and Death, and it isn't even an FiM-exclusive version of Discord. More on that, but I have to say, I felt misled by this when I finished reading. There is nothing stopping you at all from naming names in your synopsis.

The characters:
You hint at too many of them too quickly. It's sort of like knowing only the 151 original Pokemon and talking with someone who's played all the games, including B/W. There's a bit of common ground, but I was left grasping for straws of familiarity more often than not. Personifying every 4th-dimensional force, or what have you, is your creative gun to fire, but keep in mind that we're first and foremost ponyfic readers. To be blunt, we're not here for the Office and its inhabitants; we're here to see the characters we've come to know in the show. Also, you use their names to no more effect than passing comments, exempting Death and I'm doubting the justification. Characters are inevitably characters. Creating a sea of shallow ones does nothing more than crowd out the focus characters, imo.

RE: Discord, he seems to hold up fine, though I feel that the spotlight needs to be on him a little more. There's a lot of him talking instead of doing stuff, among other things which I'll get to later, and therein, I feel, lies the weakest point in his characterization: a lot of Discord's appeal lies in his powers. He's an awesome character to use because of how and what he does, and this fic suffers because there isn't an opportunity. Utilizing flashbacks to "show off" his methods in other worlds might be a good way to strengthen his character.

RE: Death, he's kinda flat. It's to be expected given Discord's your focus character, but your summary suggests that he's supposed to play a larger role than "the friend". If you're using dual protagonists, then having 2 constant limited POVs works; that's what I do, at least. That means breaking up Discord's talk with Death into halves as well, and telling one half through Death's eyes. Of course, if you're not using dual protagonists, then yeah, Death's kinda flat, but that's to be expected because 1) your characterization moments are and should be going to Discord and 2) he's Death, and he don't really do much. Trying very hard to not compare your Death to Terry Prachett's, though he has the advantage of being the most awesomest author ever. Also, I'll say it again: Master Mortis = unappealing name. Just "Mortis" would be fine; it's the "Master" part that worries me.

Your plot:
There wasn't much of one. Mortis asks for a friend; Discord and Death talk about assignments; Mortis/Death finds him in Canterlot's hedge maze, apparently having messed up again. More on that.

I do have a few holes to poke at, though. Firstly, Sweetie Belle being as naive as to use the words "hang around" when talking about Discord; seriously, where was she during his rampage? What's with Death doing that choking thing at the end? And in canon, the Royal Sisters used the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord once, a long time ago. You need to clarify what's the time setting for your piece. If it's after Discord's first defeat, then Sweetie Belle should not even exist; if it's after his escape and second defeat, then SB needs to wisen up. But if the latter's the case, then you have canon to address. In short, your timeline is unclear, and some re-structuring is needed.

The biggest complaint I have is with the nature of Equestria itself. Considering canon, at least, Equestria is extremely biased towards a harmonic state; that is, it isn't balanced. There's this thing which I read: the pre-Darth Vader Star Wars was hugely in favour of the Jedi. The Force was NOT in balance; Anakin's turn to the dark side removed this, and thus, Anakin did in fact bring balance to the Force. What I'm trying to illustrate is that you have to fix up what exactly do you mean by "balance". This is important because they talk rather heavily about it, that not being able to maintain balance is the reason why Discord's failed his assignments. If Equestria's nature is essentially unbalanced, and it is, really, then 1) Discord has no chance of doing a proper job keeping balance, and 2) there is absolutely no point of the Office sending him there unless all they want to do is screw him over, and that means that the character's motivations, the first and foremost driving force of any story, is cheapened considerably.

Also, when you say "Hope got sent here" or "Death got sent there"... what happens to the other worlds, then? Just how omnipresent or limited are these characters? There's a lot of uncleared depth regarding the functionality of these fundamental aspects of life.

More to come in Part 2.

>>108993
Woah hey there, Dubs. o_o are you sure you don't wanna go easy on the... nah, guess not.
>> No. 109007
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109007
>>108071
>>109003
For the next part, let me start off with an excerpt stolen borrowed from Nietzsche's review, just a few posts overhead:

>Words matter. In fiction, words are everything. There is no element of fiction, no rule of storytelling, no plot device or trope, that cannot be thought of as an answer to the all-important question: What words should be written? Without words, there are no stories. Without good words, there are no good stories. For an aspiring writer, therefore, learning to choose the good word—the right word—the best possible word—is the most important skill to develop. It is the deep magic and exacting science upon which the lives of all fictional worlds depend.

You had several instances of dubious word choice. These instances increased in the second half of the fic. Generally, words that didn't quite mean what you want/what I supposed you want to convey, words that are sort of there but not quite. That's not the biggie, though. The biggest problem that I found is a perceived redundancy of description. I will be harsh here; redundancy is a personal concern of mine, and I don't take to it kindly.

/fic/ loves Kurt Vonnegut. Here's his 8 rules for writing fiction; http://www.novelr.com/2007/11/15/kurt-vonneguts-8-rules-for-writing-fiction; the one in point is rule #4.

You spend a lot of words establishing the mood. The words in question are every time Discord goes into a rant in his mind, or every time the narration explains his inner thoughts.

>Instead it became some sort of an obsession: lines, queues, Discord hated them.

>But he had to, maybe with a quantum of forlorn, shake away these thoughts and let more pressing matters occupy the last free slot of his mind.

The difference between sentence 1 and sentence 2 is, oh, I dunno, say a couple thousand words. By the time I get to sentence 2, however, the novelty has already worn off. You can establish characters via dialogue, action or narration. When you're writing fanfiction, you can be a leetle less heavy on it. But using a combination of the three, rather than falling back on one in particular, will get old very quickly. Your style is verbose and your dialogue is weighed down with descriptors that honestly don't do much any more. Sentences like the above shown aren't as good at presenting character, but you have so much of it that the descriptors with dialogue feel redundant, even though it should be the other way round. Your descriptors are naturally wordy, and that makes for a lot of getting old quick, too. The solution would be to cut down on your dialogue tags, and simplify the rest, and take a good, long hard look at your normal narratives and think, "Does it matter if I take this line away?"

A simpler if not slightly off summary of the above concept would be "Cut to the chase already", and "make your words mean more".

Bear in mind the bolded "perceived" up there. I'm an advocate of slimming down when it comes to prose, and for making it easy for the reader to digest. Perhaps I'm not your target demographic or the "one person" in Vonnegut's rule #7, but I'd like to think of my concerns as valid: when your reader reads so much about the mood and general feel of the story, that will edge out the characters and the plot. I can't emotionally invest in a mood or a mindset not that I can emotionally invest at all, but.... I left this story thinking, "There wasn't much in it for me to actually like". Nothing stood out to me except the inkling of an idea saying "this isn't much of a ponyfic", and, bluntly, it isn't - the only significant trace of MLP is Discord, and you're saying that the MLP Discord is in fact the Discord of everything else, and is therefore not really a part of MLP at all.

Soooo yeah, that's it. In short, align your focus to Discord more, have him do more rather than talk, and slim down your prose. I'm aware that a lot of this review involves stylistic choices. Consider this as a learning experience to know what effects your stylistic choices have on readers, and whether or not you adjust it, completely or halfway through or not at all, that's ultimately up to you. Just don't expect readers to adjust their own preferences unless what you have is a stellar example of literary brilliance - "Lolita" comes to mind - and I can safely say, as I would with my own work, that this is not.
>> No. 109010
>>108969
Hey, Nietzsche! I thought you were done reviewing. If you are still doing them, and you have time, could you look at the latest draft of my story? I don't want to post it here, since I'm already in two queues, but if you'll do it, I'll email you. Thanks!
>> No. 109016
Sad, Comedy, Shipping, Dark

Rainbow Dash just wants to be awesome, be a hero, and fulfill her dream of being a Wonderbolt. But she learns the hard way that the Element of Loyalty is all about choices, rather you want to make them or not. Turning to her literary hero for guidance, Dash beings a journey of self-sacrifice and ultimately, love.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BtxrY61KAME3T59bzc78ah_IXemWh5gT3IGrPf4Zvck/edit

Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Scootaloo, Daring Do, Original Characters
6) Incomplete (One of X Chapters)

LIST OF ISSUES (from EqD courtesy of Seattle no less! I should feel honored!)
Compound Hyphenation Misses (elaboration would be nice, maybe some examples?)

Dialogue Tagging Mistakes

EM Dash Misuse (why does every EqD pre-reader assume I know what the hay they're talking about?!)

Comma misses

Sentence fragments

Beginning narrative with conjunctions (maybe in dialogue?)

So any elaboration on those issues, and some examples so I know what you're talking about, would be nice. I'm surprised this is all that's wrong with it to be honest.

Thanks ya'll!
>> No. 109019
>>109016

This was already in the queue and claimed by me, so I'll just go ahead and mark it on the spreadsheet. :)
>> No. 109028
>>109007
>>109003

Many thanks! Oh shit, it's long, this is gonna take a while.

About the summary
> one would expect the story to be about Discord and Celestia/Luna
Totally true. The working title I had for this was simply "Death and Discord", but back then the story was just the both of them talking to each other. When that changed, so did the title.

About the characters
>You hint at too many of them too quickly. There's a bit of common ground, but I was left grasping for straws of familiarity more often than not.
If I named everyone of them "Steve", this would be one hell of a problem. However, I didn't do that, and I'm all about subtlety when I can. Thus, no spoon-feeding unnecessary information (remember kids, "Eros" is the Greek word for desire) that doesn't make the story better.

About Discord
> There's a lot of him talking instead of doing stuff
I must admit that this really is an issue (now that you made me think about it).
>Utilizing flashbacks
That's not a bad idea at all.

About Death
Ancient, prepared and consistent (though picked up a few odd habits from the previous assigment). Yeah, might sound a bit flat, but when you look closer, he (Bah, I didn't use any gender-specific pronouns with Death, but I'm gonna change them to male ones. Didn't really add to anything...) is also a little arrogant, doesn't like people disagreeing with him, kind of forces others to see his way, pretentious, and avoids unpleasant topics. I don't regard him flat; he's subtle -- just the way I like it. The name is (okay, was) one of the many supposedly clever wordplays in the text, probly from the vainer end of the bunch (Mortis is Latin for "of death"). And Pratchett, the only one of his books that I've read just happens to be Mort . It didn't take long for me to notice the similarities. It's also the reason why he doesn't outright call himself "Mort".

About the plot
> Sweetie Belle being as naive as to use the words "hang around" when talking about Discord
She's not the one saying that, but instead of calling you dyslexic, I admit it's a structural goof I need to fix.
>You need to clarify what's the time setting for your piece.
I'm being reeeaaally clever with this one: Discord, as a statue, has his eyes closed -- before Return of Harmony. SB knows AB -- after Call of the Cutie. I'd call that a decent time frame.
>nature of Equestria itself
Seems like you see canon Equestria almost exactly like I want to portray it. If Discord was doing a better job, Equestria would be different but still far more tolerable than how it turns out with Discord roaming free.
>Just how omnipresent or limited are these characters?
I hint a couple of times that there are countless beings ready to be dispatched (the line at the reception desk). I may need to do it better.
> isn't much of a ponyfic
If you think it literally then yes, there's one pony in it, but regarding Friendship Is Magic (and y'know, fanfiction) in general, this is closely related. I could say "it isn't meant to be" but that's a contradiction and doesn't make any sense. I wanted to write an enjoyable and a little thought-provoking what-if scenario.

In the end, it boils down to this:
>align your focus to Discord more, have him do more rather than talk, and slim down your prose
This, along with the synopsis, is what I have to do. A bunch of small changes and a few bigger ones, nothing I can't handle. Oh, that redundancy, clear one layer only to find another already bothering you.
>> No. 109034
Tags:
[Sad]. And I'm adding [Slice-of-Life] and [Alternate Universe] here even though that's not on the submission form.

Synopsis
Fact: Dinky Doo has the best mother in the world, and Dinky Doo is fully aware of this. Ditzy Doo works hard for her every day, and Dinky tries her hardest to be the daughter that her mom deserves. To really show how much she cares for Ditzy Doo, Dinky needs to get her mother the best birthday gift ever. A new jewelry store opening up in Ponyville provides the perfect opportunity. Unfortunately, Amethyst Star's Fine Jewlers is going to result in far more than Dinky bargained for...

Link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/26552/Family-Matters

Review:
All (6 chapters, 24,823 words), please

Requests:
Actually this is just a request for the submission form: could you add [Slice-of-Life] and [Alternate Universe] tags? Because otherwise this story's tag is just [Sad], but that's kind of very misleading.
>> No. 109063
>>108871

...Acknowledging by proxy, in this case. I have received an email from the author:

> Thank you for the review, though I have not finished the last of the
> corrections from the previous review. However they were small changes so
> it doesn't affect too much. I haven't been able to look your review over
> yet but I am glad that you enjoyed it enough to look forward to later
> chapters.

Let no fanfic be left behind!
>> No. 109138
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109138
>>105225
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K01PoNNfti8

I don't care how long it is, I must review this!

Though is it possible that you could make this into three stories:
>AppleShy Series
>AppleShy Series 2: Him
>AppleShy Series 3: Trials and Tribulations

Or something like that.

This way people won't click away when they see the 100k word count.


Though be warned, I don't know how long this is going to take or if I'll review the whole thing. But I'm at least gonna get through the first two chapters, which is all the the prereaders look at anyway.
>> No. 109179
Tags: [Comedy][Crossover][Dark]

Synopsis: There's usually a cataclysm of some kind or another when the RED Team makes contact with a new universe. As the Soldier, Medic and Pyro were quick to find out, MLPG4-Prime would be no exception.
Crossover with Team Fortress 2.

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g2_lyEMQOFKKLwN_8NTVHHApMBUzxUsbkpCjL1vKGgs/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ulks5Nr9Lvb8Q4X3y8n9eZWgDT26vHUCuYH9mzu119U/edit

Comments/Requests:
Some things to keep in mind here. First, "The RED Cataclysm" is still a working title, and if I can come up with anything better, I'll use that. Second, Chapter 1 is more like a prologue, introducing us to the characters and setting up the story. We don't actually get into Equestria until Chapter 2. Third, this story is set into 1983, fifteen years after the initiation of the RED/BLU Teams as we know them in 1968. Some minor character development may have happened in those 15 years. I’d like Professor Hugbox to take a look at this for me, please. I’m also not sure if this'll work as a comedy, so please let me know if you think it's funny.
>> No. 109182
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109182
continued from >>108969

Now, it's time to address some choices you've made which detract from the readability of your story.

First of all, numerals.
>just 1 day
>it was in ¾ time
>over 2 days
>Even after 5 months
>less than 12 hours later
It is widely considered poor style to use numerals in fiction when words will do. None of your uses of numerals are necessary, and they should all be replaced with words. Dates (June 29th, 2012) and times (9:46 PM) are examples of appropriate uses of numerals.

Using CANTERLOCK (pony slang for capslock, heh) to emphasize words is often seen as irritating, and should be avoided. Capslock has legitimate uses, such as in newspaper headlines, or when a character must shout something extremely loudly, but it comes across as lazy when it's used purely for emphasis. There are more effective means of emphasizing words, anyway—a properly structured sentence can put more weight on a single word than capslock ever can.

As an alternative to capslock for purposes of emphasis, italics can be used, but even they should be used sparingly.

One of the more irritating aspects of your prose is your insistence, which is common among inexperienced authors, upon using the ellipsis (...) at every opportunity. By my count, there exist at least 68 individual instances of "..." in your first chapter alone. Interestingly, you also use the dash (although you mistakenly use the hyphen instead of the dash) at least 45 times in that chapter, and the exclamation point (!) rears its head at least 33 times, which is at least 33 times too many. Much of the time you use your ellipses to give artifical weight to weak lines of dialogue or trite thoughts. Your dashes seem excessive, as if you're purposefully trying to avoid using commas for fear of overusing them. That's a bad policy. The eye glides right over commas. It's unusual forms of punctuation and lettering that tire the eye: ellipses, semicolons, dashes, colons, exclamation points, capslock, numerals....

Which brings me to an important point. Eyes don't really get tired, do they? (Well, maybe after 28 hours at a computer screen with no sleep, they do.) When people say that a certain formatting or design element hurts their eyes, generally what they really mean is that it hurts their brain.

See, our brains naturally focus more on what's different rather than on what's similar. In anything humans observe, differences are what stand out, and the largest source of difference in a given observation will attract the most attention.

The reason we have fonts, grammar, syntax, stylistic rules, and so on, is to ensure that our brains are able to focus on the most important differences in a work of literature: the differences between words. The more different forms of novel punctuation, textual flairs, and so on that appear in a work, the more distracted our brains will be from the words on the page.

This isn't to say that punctuation beyond periods and commas is verboten. But consider—it is impossible to communicate anything at all except through difference. If you could only ever say one word, any meaning you tried to convey through it would be indiscernible to anyone else. So, this point is very basic and very important: In communication, meaning is only achieved through difference.

Now, punctuation fails when it draws attention to itself, rather than to the words whose meaning it is intended to elucidate. How does punctuation most effectively bring out the meaning of words? Precisely by way of contrast—of difference—with the surrounding text. Attaching a punctuation mark to a set of words says, "Hey! These words are different! If you want to understand them, you need to know that they can only be understood in the very specific way indicated by the punctuation." So, if you use a certain punctuation mark too often, or if you use it to mean more than one thing, it loses its ability to convey any relevant information about the words to which it is connected. Once that happens, the mere visual fact of the punctuation's use becomes a more noticeable "difference" than the differences between the words of the text, and when that happens, the readability of the text suffers.

(By "punctuation", of course, I refer to everything which is a merely visual matter: italics, margins, justification, font, font size, font color, serifs, boldface, and so on. All of these choices are capable of conveying meaning: read Chromosome's "White Box" [the google docs version], for example, and see what wonderful meanings the author paints by utilizing colors.)

The point to take away here, I suppose, is that if something is noticeably different but its difference conveys little or no meaning, do away with that difference, because it distracts from the more important differences. (This is what's meant by the expression "increasing the signal-to-noise ratio.")

With a little thought, you can probably see how this rule has some far-reaching consequences. Words should be precisely chosen; they should be the right words, not the almost-right words. Sentences should have simple structures when they convey simple thoughts, and parallel structures when they convey parallel thoughts. When obscurity is required, they should crouch hidden in shadows; they should sprint in action scenes. All this because—why? Because: you don't have a choice whether or not to include different words or different sentence structures in a story. If you want to convey your meaning unobscured, then, your only option is to make every one of your words and every one of your sentences (and yes, every one of your paragraphs, scenes, and chapters) meaningful.

For an illustration of creating meaning through words and sentences, let's look at the opening lines of "Airshipping is Magic" by Blueshift, a raucous comedy as funny as it is short. Take careful notice of the sentence structures, the choice of words, and the overall pacing of the first paragraph:

>The morning air was crisp and cool with barely a breeze blowing. The sky was crystal blue, and the rays of the sun played lazily across the green countryside. It was the perfect day, thought Twilight Blimple, for a flight.

The first thing to notice is the simple sentences, which suggest simplicity of thought. Notice, too, the carefully chosen alliterations on C and B in the first sentence: "crisp and cool," "barely a breeze blowing". These are carried a little further in the second sentence, with "crystal blue", while an assonance on A forms when the "rays" play "lazily". The playfulness implied by these whimsical A-B-C constructions advances the feeling of simplicity, while also refining it; it's no longer mere simplicity, but a specifically naive simplicity, the kind that a child evinces when he looks up into the sky on a beautiful day and discovers amazing shapes in the clouds. It's a joyful simplicity, a sort of willful optimism, that characterizes many pleasantly boring people. It's a tone of thoughtfulness, of goodwill, of sincerity.

And with the third line, we have a character with whom to associate this tone, this mood: Twilight Blimple. The third line thus completes and renders useful the structure and tone of the previous two lines, by using them to characterize the protagonist. Notice what the author didn't do, in this regard: he didn't render Twilight's thoughts in first-person. He didn't write:

>The morning air was crisp and cool with barely a breeze blowing. The sky was crystal blue, and the rays of the sun played lazily across the green countryside. It's the perfect day, thought Twilight Blimple, for a flight.

What if he had? Well, it would have introduced a difference, a disconnect, between the tone of the words used to portray the scene, and the tone of Twilight Blimple's mood. It would have become impossible for the reader to understand the narrator's tone as referring to Twilight. The first two lines would thus have lost much of their impact and meaning, being crowded out by a meaningless difference inserted between the narrator's point of view and the focus character's point of view.

Notice what else the third line does, this time on a merely literal level. It completes the meaning of the previous two lines, by suggesting their relevance toward the plot. It's not for nothing that the author begins by telling us what sort of day it is; the sort of day is relevant to the story. The final line thus acts to complete all that came before, raises it up, unifies it, renders it intelligible and worthwhile, and causes it to become a source of joy.

Yet another level of meaning can be pulled from this opening: a satire on what are called "weather reports". So-called "weather reports" got their name from amateur writers' tendencies to begin their stories by describing the weather, even when the weather is completely irrelevant to the plot. Blueshift crafts his opening so that it bears a superficial resemblance to a "weather report", thus reinforcing even further the feeling of childish simplicity.

And look at the words used: "crystal", "green", "rays", "breeze". These are words that children know. The sun is even said to have "played" across the countryside.

Now consider the structure of the whole thing as a complete piece of humor writing. In humor, misdirection is key. The audience's expectations must be built carefully up in one direction and then sharply, suddenly subverted. Consider how commonplace, how boring, how ordinary the first two lines feel. The simplicity they evoke leads us to expect that the story itself will be simple. The ordinary descriptions of an ordinary day lead us to expect an ordinary tale about ordinary events. Then what happens? The psychedelic words "Twilight Blimple" appear, crashing our expectations and forcing us to quickly reinterpret all that we've just read. Of course the weather would seem important—to a blimp! we think. The feeling is that of a sudden enlightenment, and we express this feeling in laughter.

There would be no humor in this opening if the sentences were not paced as they are. If Blueshift had opened with "Twilight Blimple" in the first sentence, the pleasing effects of subversion, completion, and unification would all be lost. Even in the last sentence, "Twilight Blimple" is delayed until almost the end. Only three short words are left after its appearance, creating a short (and welcome) cool-down period following the climax. This paragraph, in fact, is a model of good pacing, and the rules of pacing apply at every level of storytelling: sentences, paragraphs, scenes, chapters, arcs, and entire plots.

With that long-winded exposition over, I'm now going to ask you a question. Can you say that you've put as much thought into the meaning your words and sentences convey as Blueshift has? If not, can you try to do so, starting now? I'm reviewing your story, sure, and maybe other people will too, but the story won't get any better unless you make good changes to it. To do that, though, you have to first open your eyes to see the world of possibilities that exist in writing any scene or any sentence. The number of forms of expression is without limit. You must always try to choose the form that best conveys the meaning of the content.

Ask yourself: What meaning does this convey?

>Early one morning, a morning that was seemingly like every other morning, Dinky woke up and was immediately shocked by a crisp, clean smell; unlike the normal, sweet smell of cooking muffins.

You say that the action begins "early". How early? Early could mean 4:00 am, or it could mean 9:00 am, depending on who you ask. The word "early" by itself is not meaningful enough, not singular enough, to be very informative.

You say that the morning was "seemingly like every other morning". But again, this is vague. Every morning in Alaska is different from every morning in Beirut. Additionally, the phrase "a morning that was... like every other morning" seems to me to suggest it was a boring morning. But you then go on to note that Dinky was "immediately" shocked by something upon waking up. So, going from what you've written, the morning seemed boring, but there was no time at which Dinky ever thought the morning was boring. The question then arises: to whom, exactly, does this morning seem like every other morning? The narrator? Ah, but if so, you've introduced a meaningless difference into the text. Because the narrator is now having feelings, but those feelings are meaningless as far as the story goes, I'm now in the position as a reader of having to figure out what feelings belong to the characters in the story, and what feelings belong to the narrator, and then make an effort to ignore the narrator's feelings in order to just pay attention to the story. So that's no good at all!

If, on the other hand, it was actually supposed to be Dinky who thought the morning was like every other morning, then your word choice "immediately" actually contradicts your intended meaning. And a writer's goal is to write precisely what they mean to say, not precisely what they don't mean to say.

You say that what shocked Dinky was a "crisp, clean smell." What is this smell? Where does it come from? You don't say. You say only that it was "unlike the normal, sweet smell of cooking muffins." Because of that, I'm inclined to think that what you meant to say was that Dinky didn't smell anything at all. But a "crisp, clean smell" is not the same as no smell at all.

You use a semicolon. As far as I can tell, this semicolon is not used in any of the ways in which semicolons are normally used in English, so it's impossible for me to understand what meaning you are trying to bring out of your words by using it.

Finally, look at the overall structure of this sentence. Does it build towards a climax? It seems to me that, given the subject, Dinky's "shock" ought to be the climax. But this shock actually occurs smack in the middle of the sentence, not towards the end like it should. The shock does rely on the other meanings conveyed by the sentence for its intelligibility, and it attempts to unify them, so there's a point.

Overall, this sentence fails, and not because of its intended meaning: it fails because of poor word choices and poor sentence structure, which obscure the intended meaning and distort it beyond recognition.

And here's the kicker: I could cite examples of bad sentences in "I'll Never Forget", worse sentences than this, all day long. Have a few:

>“F-friends? Oh, yes of course! Yeah! Let's get to it!” said Derpy with a renewed sense of happiness and a huge smile on her face that was as infectious as the plague, before she and Charity both split up the mail and sped out the door, with a determination unlike anything seen in pony history.

>Derpy, feeling like she was being watched, looked over at Charity, who blushed and looked away quickly, turning to the machine and pouring in a cup of flour, adding it to the bowl before adding a teaspoon of vanilla and a stick of butter, which had softened due to the warm temperature filling the room from his oven that they had preheated beforehand.

>As she said this, a scowl came across her face before she ran into a light yellow pegasis she recognized her as Fluttershy from Junior Speedsters Flight camp, as she was always getting teased as well as Derpy.

>Derpy woke up- mainly from the shifting pony still held in her arms, but also due to the fact that she wakes up early to go to her early job.

>While slightly annoyed by the comparison of Derpy Hooves, the love of his life, to a stone, he let it slide, simply nodding and saying “I've seen her ability to bounce back- I know she can take some thing better than others. That doesn't matter though, this is real. I won't let her go. Ever.” with renewed zeal, he simply stated “now if you'll excuse me, I have mail to deliver with Derpy.”

>It was several weeks later, and Derpy was slowly regaining her figure with the help of her job (which she returned to after the baby was born) and the long walks Charity, the baby and her took every day, much to the delight of their several friends and acquaintances around town, who loved seeing the new filly in her stroller.

I cannot emphasize enough how irritating it is, to me as a reader, to trudge through poorly-constructed sentences like these. This may be your biggest weakness as a writer.

And now, for a final note, on cliches. You know, expressions like these:

>her beloved mother
>lost in her thoughts
>Much to her surprise
>from ear to ear
>with every fiber of her being
>“Forgive you? For what? If anything, YOU should be the one mad at ME.”
>the most remarkable pony I had ever seen
>if you try anything I swear to Celestia it'll be the last thing you ever do. Mark my words.
>she was loving every minute of it

You didn't actually have too awful many of them, but it seemed like the ones you did have were stacked disproportionately in the most important scenes.

A cliche is bad because it's inaccurate. It conveys a vague, general notion, in comparison with which what you really mean is always going to be something more precise and concrete. There is almost no excuse for using cliches in creative writing. They should be hunted down and gutted in revision.

I'm still writing. More parts to come.
>> No. 109194
>>109182
>>108969
>>108596

Oh, wow!

This is quite a lot.
First off, I'd just like to thank you for utilizing your first review in your second one, because it gave me a new perspective to look at it from. I honestly can now appreciate what you were highlighting in it, and I thank you for the critical attitude you took in writing it.

Second, thank you for the re-review. I seriously appreciate getting some constructive criticism.

And thirdly, I thank you sincerely for nitpicking. I always enjoy it when someone doesn't just show me how I'm wrong, but also shows how to fix it, as it's the only way I can really learn.

Looking forward to more sections of the review!
>> No. 109231
File 134114597237.jpg - (70.44KB , 250x370 , sadcadance.jpg )
109231
Tags: Romance, Sad, Tragedy

Synopsis: I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story.

Link:https://docs.google.com/?authuser=0#folders/0Bw_B_E7VZDjQdjdxVGxQa1BxUmc

Comments: I've been told I might need to work on descriptions and dialogue tags.
>> No. 109239
File 134115084614.jpg - (154.44KB , 385x570 , ASCDT_cave.jpg )
109239
>>109232
>A portal to another dimension? Why? Better question- why not?
"Science isn't about why, it's about why not! You ask: why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired."
>> No. 109241
File 134115304812.png - (488.73KB , 1740x1938 , Twilight-Iapprove.png )
109241
>>105512
Okay, finally done with this. Sorry about the delay. As always, take my opinions with a barrel of salt.

Here's a line-by-line of your first chapter, as is customary.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TqBpov0EPPrHEtlAtk6qW0uMwR3eyzKX5NScMAjdGkw/edit

I'm very happy to say that I don't see much in terms of serious grammatical or technical errors, so cookie for you for such a clean piece. Of course, you might want one who is more experienced in this than I for a more thorough review in this department.

The only recurring problem I found is the somewhat irritating innuendo (and shipping) that you sprinkled all over the first chapter alone. Lay off the implied sexy-times. It's not funny the third time you read it. You also have a tendency to use LUS, but it is still acceptable given your conscious decision not to name some of the mooks.

With that I can focus on the potential problems of you trying to attempt such a crossover.
From what I can see (and remember from the film), you're almost re-enacting the film scene-by-scene, complete by starting with the car-towing scene.

While it is amusing to see such nods to the original film, be wary of sticking too close to the source material. Although you have done an admirable job crossing over the plot of the story to MLP, there are inherent problems that comes with it.
Here's a few potential plotholes that you should be wary of, some of which are already apparent:
a) The notion that ponies uses airships as a primary means of transport is somewhat iffy, considering that at least a third can actually fly, and trains are shown to be a more reliable mode of transport (which the show has shown). Granted this is nitpicky, but I feel that it is a valid concern. However, more importantly, the film works on the premise that the planes will eventually run out of fuel and crash, something which won't happen to an airship. Taking control of the Control Tower wouldn't do a thing. The airship could just land somewhere else. Ergo, the main premise of your film is shot. Well, so it seems. Though if you do have a plan to address this, you can ignore this particular complaint.
b) The Princesses. Yes, this is a concern of any fic that has violence in it. Where are the Princesses during all this? It would stand to reason that Celestia would immediately teleport in and wtfbbqpwn the supposed terrorist without breaking a sweat. No need for AJ to do all the hard work. Again, it's a potential concern, since you only just begun.
c) The weather. Really now, a flight delay due to weather? In a land where the weather is also controlled by its inhabitants? It's a little odd to say the least.
d) Wagons being impounded. I don't know. Do you even need to impound wagons? They don't take up as much space as cars you know. Besides... they're ponies. They don't use wagons unless strictly necessary. (*cough* they have Flight and Magic.)
e) This being Canterlot, wouldn't they be Royal Guards on hoof? I don't see how a terrorist group would succeed once the Guards are alerted.

What I do like about your fic is how you straight away skip over the potential Rarijack ship and made it a facet of your universe. I find that commendable, since you're not wasting valuable words trying to ship those two in the middle of what is shaping up to be an action fic. Though again, as I said, lay off the implied sexy times references. Your characterisation of the two is okay as far as I can tell.

Also,
>Stalliongrad Army Special Horses
Jesus. Just use Special Forces. No need to ponify this one.

I got nothing else. Keep up the good work. Applejack makes for a great stand in for McClane, just sayin'.

tl;dr Well-written, might have some plotholes to fill.
>> No. 109247
Title:Pinkie Pie's Phenomenal Ponytech Party

[Comedy] [Humans] [Crossover] [Sci-fi]

Word count: 6291, One-shot

email address: [email protected]

Synopsis: Battletech (or ‘Mechwarrior’) crossover. In a stunning reversal of several plot devices, our ponies find themselves at humanity's interstellar back doorstep. Having some idea of the ongoing problems humans face when it comes to friendship and harmony, one pony in particular takes it upon herself to throw an introductory party right now. What could be a better idea than to wage party with the help of some multiton war machines the wayward Equestrians have found?

Link to the story:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qeWmD8xHfaLQc79oKfk0cEV_O9-b_cI_0WbvO_ZgfJ8/edit

Author Notes: I'm looking mostly for someone willing to read and give specific feedback on what they feel works, and what doesn't. Alternatively, someone who'll pick it apart on the technical side of things would be most welcome as well. I've gone over this a few times now, feeling reasonably comfortable with its level of polish.

Also, if you'd like to go tit-for-tat on reviews, I'd be happy to, after I'm done reviewing something for TTG. I'm also someone who would welcome conversation over a reviewer's reaction.

So yes, thank you!
>> No. 109268
>>109247
I'm going to be posting this story in one other review thread.

Going to be linking seperate instances of my story to that thread and this one. I'm not going anywhere, I'm trying to get a better feel for what I have with multiple reviews.
>> No. 109271
>>109138
Separating the series into the primary arcs is a really good ides, and I sometimes wondered if the total word count kept readers at bay.
>> No. 109328
File 134119920108.jpg - (32.76KB , 400x389 , happy_fluttershy-(n1304536117124).jpg )
109328
I just wanted to thank everyone that has helped out in the Training Grounds, especially the newer reviewers that aren't sure if they can even make a coherent review. Believe it or not, every review helps!

Another congratulations goes to the hard working regulars. Without you, the Training Grounds would have fallen apart long ago. Much love to all of you. <3
>> No. 109334
File 134120434304.jpg - (2.74KB , 126x111 , 132591735365s.jpg )
109334
>>109328
>pic
The queue's still pretty long...

>>107459
An interesting title, a plot that sounds like it could use some good poking with a very sharp stick. And, uh, very non-conventional formatting. This'll be a learning experience for the both of us, eh?
>> No. 109343
>>106740
You piqued me indeed. Let's see if I can help you with this. Seems like you made a major rewrite.
>> No. 109352
>>108447
I'm intrigued. I'll take this but be warned, it could take some time.
>> No. 109363
File 134125060386.gif - (11.39KB , 125x113 , 132670751403s.gif )
109363
>>107459
>>109334
All right, so that's done. Wow. That was pretty quick weren't it?

Let's start with the technical issues. Your grammar was solid, with only a few punctuation errors here and there, so you're clear on that end.

Out of curiousity, I googled the name of your main character. He's actually a real-life footballer. Intentional or otherwise, I thought I'd just point that out. In your case, he killed someone who was supposedly not very nice, and is several conflicting feelings regarding his impeding death - nonchalant, stressed to the point of breaking into song, and some other emotion that made him cry. The problem is that these three emotions are at odds with each other. You cannot be both nonchalant and stressed. I feel that you need to focus his personality a lot more by choosing one emotion and sticking with it as your central defining tone, and only then seasoned with small amounts of other feelings.

You have moments when he's almost apologetic, like "I know you didn’t want to see me so soon, but I’ll make sure to fully apologize to you", and then moments like "Tyrone ain't no-one's bitch" which do the exact opposite. I'd advise that you go for the mellowed tone because that gives you a more likeable character. He's been in there for 10 years; if that isn't humbling, I don't know what is.

Your plot seems fairly predictable. Tyrone gets executed, appears in Equestria, and the next few steps would probably be him projecting Jen on [insert pony here] and happy ending. Aside from the fact that it's been done to death, there's just one issue I have: Tyrone is, ultimately, a murderer. He took the life of someone and is shown to be unrepentant about it. Pardon the personal philosophy intrusion, but I find that to be very arrogant - to consider one person's life to be less worthy of respect than another. Should you choose the redemption path, and that seems to be very likely, there's an irony in that he receives the chance of redemption that he did not give to his victim. That there's a decided lack of poetic justice in it. Too vengeful? Probably, but it's one of the things I must say as a reader.

The biggest aspect of this was the formatting, or precisely, the inclusion of the song. Song embeds are discouraged because:
1) they break the immersion of reading;
2) they're considered sloppy, because you're relying on something other than your wordcrafting to set the mood for you;
3) the song which you think is best could be a massive turn-off for others - taste in music is as subjective as taste in literature;
4) some readers prefer to have their own music on - or in my case, not at all, thus robbing the song-parts of their significance.

I only skimmed the lyrics parts as they came along. You'll get a lot of readers like me, so consider this a warm-up in terms of dealing with reception.

Personally, I'd tell you to remove every last trace of reliance on song, but that leaves your fic with not a lot at all. The reason is because you don't have much of anything else - I dare say that the lyrics make up at least a quarter of the word count, and the descriptions/actions tied with the song make up half, i.e. a lot of your words cannot stand alone. That's a very dangerous thing to have because for readers like me, the impact is lost, and anyways if someone wanted to listen to the song... they'd listen to the song. Inevitably this raises the question: what does this fic have that the readers cannot acquire for themselves? Because if they can acquire it for themselves, then why should they read your work?

You need to give your readers something which they can't acquire for themselves. With fiction, it's stories, twists, other people, adventures, romances, betrayals and mysteries. There's nothing wrong with finding inspiration in music, but I feel that for your work to shine, it has to be able to stand on its own metaphorical two feet. That means it should be able to survive with or without the song.

There was a lot of sloshing about when it came to direct thoughts, regular narration and the song. Tenses and perspective jumble up and piledrive each other into a kerfluffle, to the point where I find myself trying to find out which is which rather than what's going on with the story. A thorough re-read on your behalf should be able to locate these.

That much being said, it wasn't a bad read. That's more than I can say for other fics. From the little that I read, I would hazard that you've got good writing skills with you, but they need some serious polishing up. And I could sense the desire and the inspiration fueling this piece, and the artistic vision you carried into this. I stand by the opinion that if you would remove the song, you could fare much better, but I will respect what you have, and ultimately whatever change, all or none, you wish to take from this is entirely up to you. Keep writing.
>> No. 109364
File 134125082345.jpg - (19.46KB , 300x300 , img-thing.jpg )
109364
>>109363
...and then I scroll down the doc, past half a page of blank space, to find 3 more pages.

>post subject

Uh, so yeah, I'm not done with the review after all.
>> No. 109371
File 134125443805.png - (1.56KB , 84x122 , Cracker.png )
109371
Title: Cracker's Blog!!!

Tags: Comedy | Slice of Life

Synopsis: Cracker is a 30-something year old pony with social problems who struggles to find his purpose in life. The humour is rather surreal in the blog, and will only get stranger as the blog progresses.

Link to the story: http://crackersblog.blog.com/

Notes: I'm not looking for a massive review or anything. I just want to see what people think of it
so far and maybe get it spread out there. I update it every 2-3 days or so and encourage asking Cracker questions about his life in the comments. I have big plans for it in the future, where Cracker's older brother and father are introduced and the chance to recieve actual things through the mail from him.
>> No. 109379
Hey everyone!

1) Title: Autumn

2) Author: Josh Meihaus

3) Email: [email protected]

4) Tags: Sad, Romance

5) Which parts: All

6) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qCRkllFlg6ptjdbkPfQeiZHhkNuIIYfejChml_5ChZ4/edit

7) Synopsis: When Apple Bloom finally asks about the origin of Big Mac's age old catchphrase, she discovers the origin of the simple word "eeyup" runs deeper than she could have imagined.

8) Word count: 7,696

I'd appreciate comments on the quality of narrative in particular. This is more or less the first story I've written in Third Person Past since January (I did a bunch in First Person Present), so I'm concerned it's not up to par.

Also, I posted this in the Seattle Lite/Nick review thread as well.

Thanks guys!
>> No. 109391
This is for Dubzie~

He'll see it in the queue eventually.
>> No. 109396
File 134127002617.png - (140.00KB , 303x411 , Flitter133298114125.png )
109396
http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/episode-07-pacing
This is how to have good pacing.

Use italics for thoughts instead of single quotation marks.

>“You know, Sugarcube,
When a flashback happens, you need to show it. Either with italics, a scene transition, or both.

Don’t shorten Big Macintosh’s name to “Mac.” This isn’t Foster’s Home for Imaginary friends.

Do not refer to characters as “the lavender unicorn” or any variation of it. The only time that it’s justified is when the main character doesn’t know a character’s name.

You have a lot of missing commas.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

The whole scene where Applejack thinks Fluttershy is dieing is weird. Her friends wouldn’t do that. And how did Fluttershy raise her heartbeat?

Use an em dash when a character is interrupted. —

You need a scene transition when you make a point of view switch.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PointOfView

You have a lot of awkwardly phrased sentences. After writing 100k words, you should be able to find them. Read your sentences and ask yourself, “Does this sound like something someone would say in a normal conversation?” (Including the narrator.)

I don’t like the idea of Fluttershy having past romances, and your readers won’t either. But I guess I can’t expect you to change it at this point...

>“Oh they’re so cute together,” Rarity said. She sat down on Fluttershy’s couch and said, “Now Applejack, please finish your story.
Huh? How do they know about Applejack’s flashback? Also, you forgot the quotation marks at the end of the sentence.

>As usual, it was another Pinkie Pie party success.
There should be a scene transition before this.

>“Say Fluttershy, you know that if you ever want to talk, you can, right?”
Captain Obvious

>"Fluttershy I don't like none of that frou-frou stuff. That mess is for stuck up ponies who think they're better than everypony else," Applejack said. She put a hoof on Fluttershy’s cheek, "Hey now. I know you ain't no stuck up pony. I was generalizing."
This needs to be paced better. See the video above.

The scene where they pass Rarity’s Boutique is poorly paced.

Use a pony pun version of the word girlfriends.

>"Well you have a point there," Applejack said, “Alright. We could try and enjoy listening to Rainbow's story. Besides, when we find out it ain't any good I can just make fun of her for it."
Okay, this is just out of character for Applejack.

Don’t shorten Applejack’s name to AJ.

Why are Applejack’s friends only suggesting that they go to a restaurant?

>Applejack sighed, “You’re right. It's not that I don't want to make her happy. I just don't like those places cause that make me feel, well, inferior."
This isn’t a good enough reason for her to be a jerk about not wanting to go. But you can fix it by making her less of a jerk.

>"You kept the time travel," Twilight said, "I thought I told you that that is feasibly impossible!"
I take it you wrote this before It’s About Time aired. That doesn’t mean you can’t fix it.

Okay, Twilight’s just being annoying. I’m going to assume that Dash’s story isn’t important to the plot and skip ahead. (Your readers will probably do the same.) Consider cutting it and making it a skippable bonus chapter. It is pretty funny though.

Wait, why is Fluttershy escorting Applejack home? Wouldn’t she be scared on the way back?

I don’t like Fluttershy and Applejack calling each other by pet names for the next 90k words. If you’re going to do that, at least use pony pun ones.

>Her(Applejack) heart was beating so hard and she knew she wanted more from that little pegasus. "Not yet," she said to herself, "I'll wait until Fluttershy is ready and it will be a perfect night."
Isn’t this a Teen rated fic?

>"She looks like a pony on a mission," Rainbow said.
Read that sentence. Do you honestly think that Rainbow Dash would say those words in that way?

>Fluttershy continued flying towards Rarity shop.
, Dash followed.

Or something like that.

>She remembered when she first got that feeling back when she read her story to...
her friends.

>Rainbow flew in front of Fluttershy grabbing the yellow pegasus by the face squeezing it into a silly shape,
Oh, wait. They’re still flying during this. You could’ve described it in a much more exciting way.

Woah, Rarity’s lines are really awkwardly phrased.

>"You're not planning on going back into," Fluttershy asked with a gulp, "The Everfree Forest are you?"
I guess this is a reference to Stare Master. But, why would she even ask that?

>"Oh that's goo&#133;," Fluttershy began,
Hmm... Did someone hack your fic?

>Rarity sighed, "She is so adorable, but a hoof -full.
This isn’t how Rarity feels about Sweetie Belle. Go watch Sisterhooves Social, then watch the other Rarity episodes until you have a good idea of how she talks.

>"Well, business has been rather slow lately, but I did receive an order for a cutciñera dress. Normally I wouldn't be so excited, but this dress is being made for the daughter of the mayor of Fillydelphia!" Rarity motioned Fluttershy over to her sewing machine. "You see the design I chose is to cover the cutie mark so at a specific time during the celebration this part of the dress," Rarity pointed to a sketch she drew, "could be removed to reveal the cutie mark for all to see."
>"Well, that's, um bold," Fluttershy said.
Well that’s a bit of an understatement. You realize that this filly can’t be older than Sweetie Belle, right? This is kinda creepy...

Describe the design of the dress a little.

>"You're not a foalmolester are you?"
Implying that all fillyfoolers are molesters.

>"Well that's great," Sweetie Belle said. She leaned forward smiling with a raised eyebrow and asked, "So who's your girlfriend?"
How does she know Fluttershy is a fillyfooler, but doesn’t know who her fillyfriend is?

>She then saw the prices and shouted, "How much for a daisy sandwich?"
?! Introbang. Use them sparingly.

>The waiter arrived with a plate of hay fries, a daisy sandwich, a glass of apple juice, and a hay smoothie.
This needs a scene transition before it.

>"Yeah since I got here first," Applejack said almost apologetically, "I took the liberty of ordering. I hope you don' mind."
Didn’t they go together? And if they didn’t, wouldn’t Fluttershy get there first since she can fly and you said that she’s flying faster now?

>After they were finished,
Well, that scene was pointless.

>After they were finished, Applejack asked, "Should we get dressed up?"
>Fluttershy shook her head, "No this restaurant looks informal enough that we won't have to."
Huh? Oh, they went to lunch and now they’re talking about dinner. I’d just cut everything before this.

>After their lunch, Applejack returned to Sweet Apple Acres. She felt a mix of relief and dread when she spotted her older brother waiting for her.
I’d cut this and put a scene transition in its place.

>Applejack collapsed to the ground,
Applejack collapsed to her knees,

>"I've known since your birthday party."
>"You're not rushing the poor thing are you?"
How does Big Mac know all this?

>but she's just so&#133;"
Haxxor’d!

>The moment came Applebloom walked into the room.
You didn’t mention where they were, so I assumed that they were outside. BTW, I don’t care if you spell her name as Apple Bloom or Applebloom, so long as it’s consistent.

>"Oh ok," the filly said as her mind raced to find whatever infraction she might have committed to incur a 'talk' from her sister.
The quotes imply... Well, she already knows about cutie marks, so... Moving on.

>"You ain't in trouble," Applejack reassured her.
It’d be better if Apple Bloom thought that she was in trouble until Applejack told her about Fluttershy.

>"But you are doing something wrong," Applebloom shouted. "You can't have a girlfriend. It's boy-girl for a reason." She looked at her sister and saw Applejack about to cry. Applebloom hugged her sister and said, "I. I'm sorry sis. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
This is badly paced. Applejack crying doesn’t have enough build up and Apple Bloom apologizes too soon.

Big Mac over-cooking hay isn’t funny enough.

>Fluttershy was waiting at the square
Scene transition.

Okay the rumor about Fluttershy being a molester is a terrible idea. Change it to mass homophobia or something.

>Scootaloo turned and before she could say anything, a mare grabbed her and began dragging her away.
At first I’m not sure who “her” is, especially since it would make more sense for the mare to arrest Fluttershy.

>The crowd had calmed down quite a bit and the mare that grabbed Scootaloo walked up to Fluttershy and looked her in the eye. After what felt like an eternity passed, she looked down and said, "I'm sorry. I was caught up in the horror story that I just assumed it was true."
This happens too fast. They shouldn’t believe Fluttershy at first and Rainbow Dash should have to rescue her.

>"I'm sorry. It looks like I was wrong about you. It's just that my sister was hurt by&#133;" He shook his head, "It doesn't matter. I guess you aren't like that."
He shouldn’t apologize that quickly.

Wow, Fluttershy is getting braver, and it’s actually believable.

>"On you mark," "Get set,"
said Fluttershy.

>She was not about to be upstaged by this filly whose name she couldn't even remember.
Dash knows her name.

I wasn’t really invested in the outcome of the race until, “The finish line was getting closer.” It’s too dryly written.

>She collapsed to the ground panting and wheezing, but she was smiling.
Wait, who is this?

>"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I let my need to win everything hurt you. That was an awesome race."
This happens too fast. No one apologizes this quickly.

>Fluttershy looked over the drink menu and saw a wine that she enjoyed,
NO! FLUTTERSHY DOES NOT DRINK!

>"May I assume that the two of you are&#133;"
Haxxor’d

>"I want to share myself with you, but I'm scared. I know you wouldn't hurt me, but I still get scared."
They’ve been together for less than a month...

>The orange-marked ponies were about to say something but Fluttershy's stare was locked onto both of them. They slowly backed away and Applejack and Fluttershy left the restaurant without further incident.
That was a bit anti-climactic.

>It wasn't long before Applejack began crying and Fluttershy hugged her. Applejack cried into Fluttershy's shoulder and after a few minutes wiped the tears from her face.
You realize that the reader isn’t sad when a character is openly weeping, right? But I’m not sure if that was what you were going for with this scene.

>"I don't see any Orange being one of the Elements of Harmony, and Celestia would not have chosen you if you were not very special."
This makes less sense, since Applejack’s coat is orange.

>Applejack said kicking herself.
This sounds too literal.

>"Do you mind if I stick around for a little bit longer? I promise I'll behave."
>Applejack looked at the clock on Fluttershy's end table and said, "I better get going. I'd love to stay, but there's a lot of work tomorrow."
That was quick.

Okay, chapter 4 needs a much better opening. We shouldn’t know that the intruder is Pinkie Pie at first.

>"Cause you're just waking up and my rudeness stops at breaking and entering."
Out of character dialog. Pinkie is never intentionally rude.

>Fluttershy rubbed the sleepiness from her eyes and looked at Pinkie. …
This whole paragraph is way too dryly written.

Isn’t the title of this fic AppleShy? Why are you ship teasing Pinkie with Fluttershy?

>At around three in the afternoon,
Scene transition.

You spend too long on the part where Fluttershy makes Pinkie Pie lunch. Just say that she put a tray with the salad, sandwich, and juice on the bedside table, and be done with it.

>A couple of hours later,
Scene transition

Okay, chapter four had nothing to do with the main plot. I’d suggest making a separate story on FimFic called AppleShy Series: Side Stories. (Or something like that.) And put chapter four and the part where Rainbow Dash reads her story, The Dashing Rainbow, in it.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ShowDontTell
And now, here is every time that you’ve told the reader something, when you should’ve shown it.

>...he could see concern and fear on her face.

>, and this drove fear into her heart.

>Applejack looked over to Rainbow and saw that she was no longer mad and now was concerned.

>and could see that Fluttershy was falling asleep and Rainbow still had something on her mind.

>to the sleepy pegasus,

>The waiter arrived with their orders,

>Pinkie Pie was inside baking various treats. In spite of the fact that she couldn’t see the entrance of the shop,

>...before Applejack interrupted her.

>...which was interrupted by Rainbow.

>Fluttershy couldn’t help but laugh and was about to apologize when she saw Rainbow Dash shrug.

>Fluttershy nodded happy with the statement.

>Fluttershy looked at the stack and asked in awe,

>She wasn't happy with that response since reasonable means different thing to different ponies.

>Rarity sighed in defeat...

>...not noticing Fluttershy was lying to her.

>Unfortunately, the unicorn was not listening.

>If she had hoped to slip passed unnoticed then she failed.

>Fluttershy was stunned by both the directness and suddenness of the question,

>Fluttershy was stammering and didn't know what to do.

>If the news affected the unicorn filly at all, she certainly did an excellent job of hiding it.

>She trailed off feeling terrible thinking that a pony as kind as Fluttershy would ever hurt anypony.

>The last sentence ended with a squeak though Applejack was able to decipher it.

>She did not mean it though and Applejack could tell Fluttershy knew she was lying.

>The couple had lunch with the conversation going in no particular direction and often times seemed to be random enough that Pinkie Pie herself would have shaken her head in disbelief.

>Applejack sighed in relief,

>She was stunned when anger flashed in her mind. First from the notion that she needed such a crutch, and then at herself for thinking even for a second that she never needed help. Fluttershy saw the anger on her face clearly.

>Applejack felt awful for it.

>...she asked nervously.

>...Applebloom's look of disgust...

>...Applebloom said clearly down that...

>That final thought scared her so she ran to the square and did not care that she was sweaty by the time she arrived.

>...and when she saw the annoyed look on Scootaloo's face...

>Fluttershy turned to face them and wasn't afraid at especially since Rainbow Dash was there.

>He was clearly dead serious.

>...and was stunned to see her looking at him with fear in her eyes.

>Scootaloo looked up at Fluttershy scared,

>Suddenly, a sweaty and tired Applejack made her way to the town square.

>Applejack said still winded,

>Applejack said embarrassed,

>She was going to continue but a cold glance from Fluttershy stopped her.

>Scootaloo flapped her wings to get ready to take off, a trick Rainbow didn't know about.

>Rainbow did not make a very good start...

>Rainbow was shocked that she was behind,

>Rainbow was now very behind and the race was almost over.

>Scootaloo was getting tired and felt that she would lose.

>Rainbow was not pleased...

>The strength Fluttershy got from Applejack she was able to give to Scootaloo.

>Scootaloo said with an edge of disgust in her voice,

>...and saw Rainbow looking at her ashamed of her actions.

>She was still angry at Rainbow but accepted the apology.

>Applejack looked embarrassed because she was still covered in sweat from her run...

>She was wearing a perfume that smelled like flowers, and Applejack wanted nothing more than to scoop her up and take her back home.

>It was a cool evening and that helped Applejack's coat dry off quicker but she still smelled of sweat. She was feeling very self-conscious.

>Fluttershy could see that Applejack was uncomfortable...

>It was a nice place.

>The hostess gave her a fake smile and then sniffed and gave her a look of disgust.

>Applejack said still annoyed.

>...and didn't want to look Fluttershy in the eye.

>Her guilt was clear on her face and...

>Applejack asked with genuine interest.

>The mare gasped in shock and...

>He was completely oblivious as...

>That smile made Fluttershy want to lean over and kiss Applejack but she did not want to make a scene.

>Applejack found her food to be very good, was happily eating, but saw that Fluttershy was bothered by something.

>She began to beat herself up for her behavior.

>To be honest, it was more like she was being spoken too.

>, and Fluttershy knew that the incident bothered Applejack greatly.

>...Applejack said feeling much better.

>She said that much louder than she intended and...

>...and a yellow pegasus was sleeping unaware that there was an intruder in her home.

>Normally, this would be quite a shock but on this morning, it felt different.

>Something in the way she said party did not sit right with Fluttershy. It was almost as though it were code.

>Pinkie's face became saddened,

>This one however did result in tears, but Fluttershy still needed to know,

>There was something bothering Pinkie and she turned to her for help. The only problem is that Fluttershy could only think that Pinkie was in desperate need to rest.

>Pinkie drank that cup and one more and the two ponies began talking about nothing specific. The weather, the latest baking news, how the animals were getting along; the talk was more for companionship than information. After a while, Pinkie's eyes began to get heavy and...

>She was hungry and...

Okay, if you’re not sure about anything, let me know in your “Review Acknowledged” post, and I’ll elaborate.

Well, see you in a week or two with my review of the Him arc.

Oh, and reading more books should help you get better at sentence structure.
>> No. 109414
>>109391

Review completed in-doc. Let me know if you need any further explanations. As always, I'll be in the IRC.
>> No. 109450
File 134130919730.png - (200.85KB , 400x400 , Sole Survivor.png )
109450
All right, since the last thread I posted in got locked, I decided to give this thread a try. I take it that I need to fill out the submission form AND post here, yes?

Title: Sole Survivor

Tags: Adventure, human, crossover

Summary: A good 16 years before the return of Nightmare Moon, another fantastic event occurred in Canterlot. All it took was one human who discovered the secrets of ponies, a zealous guard that would do everything for his country and a Princess who only wanted the wellbeing of her people.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K4aib-N78OQmxgtje0wBhxf1yyQGX-LTtELeBwlezW4/edit

Further notes: I'm Danish, but that should hopefully not have any negative effects on my piece.
Rather than foolishly thinking I could produce anything that could pass Equestria Daily's standards, I have come here for help.
>> No. 109457
File 134132302597.png - (31.27KB , 250x175 , 33305_r.png )
109457
Tags: [Shipping][Sad][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Fluttershy offers to take Big Macintosh in for the night when he is seen walking home in a merciless blizzard. As the night rolls on. Petty and friendly conversation turns into a deep, inner meaning for one another.

Links: (FimFiction) http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33305/1/Epiphany/Epiphany

(GoogleDocs) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hWXnCBb1JDuNP2DoAy8xETU9GYNbdHqqqD9L32zKRJ8/edit?pli=1

Comments by the Pre-readers:
Issues found:

1) Comma abuse. The second one is misplaced, and the first one isn't really needed.
"The frost and billowing snow made it near impossible for her to see out the windows, and the howl of the gales, could be heard for miles."

2) Grammar. This is wrong and needs changes.
"Fluttershy gladly sighed that she was home and removed her boots and hung her pink scarf on the coat rack."

3) Word choice and word invention. Why use 'breezy'? And what is a 'flanker' ?
"For minutes, the breezy Pegasus lay in the warmth of the orange flames, watching them dance and curve with the cracking flankers of the wood."

4) You continuously refer to Fluttershy as 'The shy one' or 'The timid one'. Don't.

5) 'A brisk experience'. ... Part of me is wanting to know if she went outside to clop or something. You really need to rephrase/rewrite this.
"Shortly after a brisk experience, Fluttershy re-entered her cottage, carrying some of Big Mac's possessions."

6) Spelling and punctuation. It's 'mellow'. Also... use a period instead of a comma after 'well'
"The melow steed chuckled as well, "Eeyup. Thank you, Fluttershy.""

***I have since fixed these errors but I think more work needs to be done with it.***
>> No. 109512
Almost exactly a month now, again, since my review request for Black Equinox. Top of the unclaimed list, again.

I just have to ask... should I just give up?

Is it really THAT much of a losing prospect to have something under the "grimdark" label? It doesn't seem like it should. I see plenty of popular fics go to serious places.

Only real reason I have it labeled as grimdark in the first place is because I'd consider it "R-rated" for the language of certain non-pony characters, violence, and some mentions or implications of sexual things (and ONLY mentions or implications).

It just concerns me. If I can't even get REVIEWERS to read my stuff, what chances does it have with anyone else? What am I doing wrong? What albatross is draped around my neck to make my work either invisible or repugnant?

If anyone ever picks it up, could you maybe advise me on how to make the story sound more interesting?
>> No. 109518
>>109512
Uh oh.
CRISIS OF FAITH! CRISIS OF FAITH! RED ALERT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! EVERYPONY PANIIIIIIC!

In all seriousness, though, let's talk about this. I don't believe tagging your story [Grimdark] is some kind of curse that repels readers or reviewers. It's just a genre, or a tone if you prefer. Further, I don't believe tagging your work [Human in Equestria] is a reader-repelling curse for the same reasons. They're types of stories. THey can be good or they can be bad, depending on who's writing them. But to answer your question:

Never.
Ever.
EVER.
Give up.

If you give up just because you're having trouble attracting somepony to look over your work, then you'd be denying the world a chance to see your creative expression. You could have written the pony equivalent of Citizen Kane (Citizen Mane?). Or, of course, you could have written the pony equivalent of Plan Nine from Outer Space (Plan Nine from the Moon?). But the point is, you don't know which. If writing is something you enjoy, don't stop doing it just because no one's paying attention to you.

As for how to make your story more appealing? I don't think the problem is the genres. I think you're asking too much of us. Yours is a 55,620-word epic. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But in my experience, reviewers tend to shy away from reviewing longer works. Remember, they're doing this in their free time. Not everypony has the time to sit down and review something that long. Most independent reviewers' threads have rules that say "maximum word count: 15,000" or something to that effect for this precise reason. What I'd recommend you do is go over your story with a fine-toothed comb, then resubmit each chapter to TTG for review individually. That way, you're not asking as much of us. In the meantime, if you have any brony friends IRL who are writing-inclined, perhaps ask them for help.
>> No. 109534
File 134134951123.png - (934.06KB , 1280x914 , scootaloo_hug_please.png )
109534
>>109512
For the record, I like grimdark stories. CupcakesYeah I said it was one of my favorites. This is exactly why I can't wait untill my thread reaches 400 posts, because at that point I'm going to come in here and start whittling down that massive queue.
>> No. 109540
>>109518
Well now I'm just confused!

Last time I submitted this, I told people it was okay just to review Chapter five, provided they read through the others for context and such. Somebody then advised me just to submit the entire thing, because supposedly reviewers preferred to review whole stories over partials. So I did that.

Now the opposite is the problem? What in the anthropomorphic horsing hell?
>> No. 109542
File 134135216292.jpg - (12.34KB , 480x360 , albatross.jpg )
109542
>>109512

Having a 50k word story typically means your story will take longer to get a claim. Same with the Grimdark and HiE tags. But those stories eventually get a claim. A month is probably about what you should expect unless someone takes particular interest in it.

The big problem isn't your story.
Here's your albatross.
>>104678

I understand you made a mistake and apologized. You aren't on the official TG blacklist and shouldn't be. You deserve a second chance.

However, it does affect who will review your fic. I can't speak for Dublio, but I can't imagine he would want to review for you again. I can say that it is the reason I wouldn't consider claiming it, and I can't imagine I'm alone in this. You deserve a second chance. But I personally don't want to be the one to give it, not with so many others that haven't gotten their first chance yet.

I don't bring this up to condemn you. I'm only posting to give you an idea of why you might have to wait a VERY long time to get a review in this thread.
>> No. 109567
I recently sent this first chapter of my story to ED for approval, and got rejected as expected.

Title: Equestrian Century Alicorn Gundam
Author: Alexander-Crossover
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Crossover, Sci-fi, Dark, Human
Word count: 9680
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D0AjNMtgM1qQoHXUUyk5In9qhMLYIgcaDu-K5hKJRK0/edit

Synopsis: Equestria used to be a very different place...
While gathering plants with Zecora, Twilight Sparkle stumbles on the ruins of an ancient civilization and the last survivor of said civilization, a human. The human's appearance brings with it many questions about Equestria's ancient history but also danger.

The evil that destroyed human civilization has re-awakened and the only thing that can save Equestria is a mysterious weapon known as Gundam.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D0AjNMtgM1qQoHXUUyk5In9qhMLYIgcaDu-K5hKJRK0/edit

Also if it will help, here's my rejection letter from ED:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bf0I_4zUL3Aa3orgypbaGfbDxFxc9HGde5Gog32jH_0/edit

Can you help me?
>> No. 109570
File 134136210056.jpg - (31.27KB , 300x300 , Rick-Ross-and-Justin-Bieber.jpg )
109570
>>109512

I came in here to specifically state that by giving up, you resign to being a complete bitch-ass nigga.

Don't be a bitch-ass nigga. That isn't a good thing. How many of those have you ever seen successful? My inner Method Man tells me none at this time, so I'd advise not becoming one and get back into a decent flow.

Remember, no one gets anywhere by being a bitch-ass nigga.
>> No. 109581
File 134136387012.png - (138.15KB , 825x825 , Pinkie shock.png )
109581
>>109570

Dat phrase.
>> No. 109589
Hello all, looking for some help. Submitted this story to EqD and it was accepted, but they want an editing pass for spelling/grammar before it's posted. I'll give it another pass myself as well; I already edited it once, but I must have missed enough to warrant them sending me here. Here's their message:

"Dear Author,

Hiya! (Name Removed) of the Equestria Daily pre-readers here, and I'm glad to say that your story has been met with approval. I'm happy to see that the albino!Scratch commonality, while done before in other fics, is handled just as well here, if not better than most. The drug use and escapism, combined with the albinism, is portrayed quite nicely. I would say that it does warrant the 'dark' tag for the drug use and her self-destructive tendencies, because there's obviously some underlying reasons you've yet to get to in regards to Scratch's behavior. That being said, you're delightfully descriptive in your portrayal of Manehattan without going into Lavender Unicorn Syndrome too badly. I have but one request before it goes up, and that is that it should be looked over by an editor or two from Ponychan's /fic/ board, to make sure all the typos are fixed and grammar is in order.

I look forward to seeing where this fic goes, and just what happens with Applejack, and how Vinyl adjusts (or doesn't) to Ponyville. Thank you for such an enjoyable beginning, and I'm eager for more."

Right now, the story is only two chapters, so it shouldn't be too much of an undertaking for grammar/spelling help. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could take the time to assist me.

Story is located here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8022684/1/bNeon_b_bLabyrinth_b

Title: Neon Labyrinth

Summary: Vinyl Scratch dreams of flashing lights, thundering bass, late nights, and crazy parties. However, the runaway adolescent soon finds her fantasy crashing down around her as the past begins to catch up. Who can she turn to when everything falls apart?

Tags: Sad/Dark/Slice of Life

Feel free to email me if you can assist! Thank you in advance!
>> No. 109596
>>108685
GaPJaxie, I've got couple of other commitments this week, but I will be getting to chapter 3 right afterward. Truehearted is up after that.

And finally, my tripcode may be compromised, so I'm switching to a new one. Will post immediately following with the new one.
>> No. 109597
>>109596
...and here's the new one.
>> No. 109625
File 134138472489.jpg - (72.66KB , 374x528 , mlfw4369-Vinyl_Win1.jpg )
109625
>>106197
Claiming, and I've played the game through twice. That being said, I'm only going to review the first 5,000-10,000 words. Depends on how it is.
>> No. 109626
File 134138587577.jpg - (104.07KB , 1280x1280 , 33992 - artist-unknown luna luna_with_socks socks.jpg )
109626
>>109182
>>109194

This is not technically part of your review, because it doesn't contain anything specific to your story. However, reading it might help you better understand the specific criticisms that I'm going to level at your story... once I get around to it, heh.

Take what follows with a heap of salt—this post is almost entirely just my opinion. I'm probably wrong about everything I'm about to say, but people are often wrong about things, so I won't be too embarrassed if it turns out that way.

I wanted to talk about your characterization, worldbuilding, and dialogue here. But first, I needed to explain what I think the word conflict means, because it seems to me that all other concepts that pertain to storytelling exist only in order to shape the conflict. In order for me to criticize your story in a comprehensible way, I need to make sure we're on the same page with regard to the essentials; at the very least, you should know where I'm coming from once I start spouting craziness.

Anyway, to begin. Let's ask: why do people read stories? The answer is pretty simple, for it's the same reason behind every human action: desire.

A story must incite desire, and then satisfy it. The desire keeps people reading, and the satisfaction is the payoff, the reason for reading. A story's job is to take the reader through an entire cycle of desire and satisfaction. How do you incite desire in a reader? You show them conflict. The desire to see conflict resolved is what drives the reader to keep reading.

So, what is conflict? Here's a secret: "conflict" is a confusing word. It needn't refer to fights between characters, or inner struggles, or unwelcome changes. It's much simpler than that. Conflict is difference.

You see, humans love simplicity. Unity is beautiful. Whatever has perfect simplicity and unity has no meaning (because it has no difference), only being. And the ideal of pure, simple, perfect being seems to be deeply rooted in the human consciousness.

Difference, of course, is the opposite of unity. And human experience deals almost entirely with differences: the difference between what I want to be true and what is true; the difference between what I want and what someone else wants; the difference between what I know I ought to be doing and what I'm actually doing.

It seems to me that man's search for meaning in life consists chiefly in trying to show how the real differences that we experience on a minute-by-minute basis are actually, on some deeper level, expressive of a more important unity. To see this—just look. Naturalists say: "Everything is the result of physical laws." Christians say: "Everything is the result of God's will." Nihilists say: "Everything is meaningless." Hindus say: "Everything is God." Solipsists say: "Everything is me." People try to find meaning in life by finding ways to conceptually unify the differences that exist in the world.

And literature, like all art forms, is meant to reflect life. Literature does this by presenting differences (i.e. establishing conflict), and then unifying them (resolving the conflict). A story presents some important differences. The reader's desire to see the differences unified keeps him reading. The unification itself, which forms the climax of the story, rewards the reader.

Now, I need to be a little bit clearer about what I mean by "unifying" differences. I basically mean "establishing that a certain relation holds between the different (conflicting) elements". The particular relation that a story tries to establish is its theme. To illustrate this, let's look at a hypothetical example.

Imagine a story about a prince who slays an evil monster, in order to rescue the fair maiden who is being held prisoner in the monster's tower. The main difference that the story will likely focus on is the difference between the prince and the monster. The prince will be good, handsome, noble, brave, selfless, and chaste. The monster will be evil, ugly, savage, cowardly, greedy, and lustful. This difference is the core conflict, and the story will focus on that difference, using every means to amplify it. Everything before the climax, every heroic action, every narrow escape from mortal danger that the prince must enact in the lead-up to the final confrontation with the monster, will serve to emphasize the prince's virtue, manliness, and character. Likewise, everything relating to the monster—whispered rumors about the extent of his wicked deeds, the ominous environment in which he lives, his hideous personal appearance, his slimy voice—all will somehow emphasize his ugliness and evilness. Building up this contrast in the reader's mind through various mini-goals and subplots is the goal of the "rising action" stage of the plot, which is the section that leads into the climax.

Once the difference between the prince and the monster has been outlined so clearly and definitively that it would be harder to imagine a more irreconcilable pair of opposites, the climax will begin, and the two will be unified. In the climax, the prince will kill the monster. This unifies them by establishing a meaningful relation between the two of them. Although it seemed that the prince and the monster could have absolutely nothing in common, they are now related thus: the prince kills the monster, and the monster is killed by the prince.

To a reader's subconscious, the prince and the monster will represent good and evil, because the story took care to emphasize that difference as being the most meaningful one between them. And the reader will therefore take the story as saying something about life, about good and evil. He will take the theme of the story to be, "Although it seems that good and evil have absolutely nothing in common, they are actually related thus: good defeats evil, and evil is overcome by good."

At that point, the reader might either nod his head in agreement, or start punching things in anger. The reader's response will, of course, depend on whether he believes that the story's theme represents a truth about life, or a falsehood. But whether or not the reader agrees with the story's theme, he will be left with no doubt that what he has just read is a complete story, a well-told story, a satisfying story. The conflict is resolved, whether or not the reader agrees with how it is resolved.

All stories, even gore, even clop, need to have a theme. That means they need to convey some meaning about life. If that sounds strange, consider that themes are rarely made explicit in the text of a story itself. One way to figure out what a story's theme is, is by looking at how it resolves (unifies) the conflicts (differences) it contains. To figure out whether a story is effective in establishing its theme, you have to read the story carefully, and ask yourself at the end whether reading it made you feel in your heart that the theme is true, whether or not you agree with it intellectually.

As a consequence of the preceding argument, I think I'm now in the position to put forth this rule: Every element of a story must either introduce, heighten, or resolve conflict. (This can be proved thus: every element of a story must contribute to the story's goal. But a story's goal is the satisfying resolution of conflict.)

I've taken the time to carefully establish this rule, because I'm going to use it in criticising your characters, worldbuilding, and dialogue. Also, I'm learning a lot by writing this stuff out. Trying to explain my thoughts to others is of great utility in organizing my own thoughts.
>> No. 109628
Chapter 1

>I shook my mane, getting much of the thick wetness out of my coat. I trudged down the muddy streets, the rain beginning to patter harder
I shook my mane, getting much of the thick wetness out of my coat and trudged down the muddy streets. The rain began to patter harder. . .

>the rain beginning to patter harder amongst the streets
To avoid bringing up the streets on two different occasions in the same sentence:
the rain beginning to patter harder against the road

>A few ponies glanced my way but none made eye-contact
comma after 'way'

>another case already on my hands,
hooves

>building of my interest…an old bakery
space after an ellipsis, otherwise the typography is harder on the eyes

>I could feel the pain in this place
You use pain twice in this sentence. Cut one.

>his coat graying quickly with a cutie-mark
comma after 'quickly'

>and by the permissions of Mayor Mare of Ponyville
permission

>the ‘late’ Sugar Cube Corner.
Building's can't officially die. He could investigating the late occupants, or the recent events concerning the building, but the building can not be late itself.

>Grandpa, don’t be so rude to the man! . . . I’ll get rid of this varmint!
These two statements should not be in the same line of dialogue, unless she was teasing with the later line, in which case you need to show that.

>Blamed a murderer even still.
You have an extra line spacing before this. And possibly before the line before it, too.
>> No. 109629
The real chapter 1 (oops)

>with a sad tone in her voice.
I'd recommend showing this with body language, or simply cutting it and leaving it to be inferred from the dialogue before it.

>over there head
their

>Celestia’s burning sun.
saying "Celestia's sun" or "Luna's Moon/stars" is a bit of a trope, and I would recommend cutting the Celestia part out of it.

>and it needed drying fast
'it' is not properly stated. The ground? The grass? Princess Celestia's personal tennis court?

>of fright and sadness
show through dialogue, body language, or actions. From now on I'm going to abbreviate this advice to "SDT"

>When she asked what happened next
cut, you're literally repeating what the dialogue just said

>Pinkie smiled at her words, always being comforted by her timid friend.
awkwardly phrased. Needs to be something like: Pinkie smiled and took comfort in her words.

>stared at her shake for a moment before looking up
comma after 'moment'

>before finishing quickly
except she doesn't finish quickly. You have two ellipses in there. (cut the 'quickly)

>I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT MY OFFICIAL FIRST DAY OF OWNING SUGAR CUBE CORNER PARTY!!!
no caps, and only one exclemation mark still gets the message across without burning my eyes.

>They giggled, told jokes and admired the
comma after 'jokes' (the oxford comma)

>that had begun to come out and shine since
that had come out to shine since

>simply giving a happy swing of her hoof into the air and shouted
and shouting

>and I do hope things are not going to utter rot now that the Cakes have left
. . .hope things have not gone to utter rot. . .

>Yes, yes, very good,
comma at the end should be a period

>a graceful clop in his step
I don't exactly get what this means. When you take it literally, the sound of his hooves hitting the pavement is graceful? I'm not sure exactly how that can work. (also due to what the word 'clop' means, this sentence has a quite improper double entendre)

>That…is Chief Health Inspector Trottington of Manhattan’s Sugar Drop Incorporated, a fancy chain of sweet shops and bakeries that are starting to open up across Equestria.
This doesn't really explain why he's a health inspector, or why he has power over sugar cube corner. You may want to explain these connections a bit more.

>with a light ‘click’ and the jingle of the shop’s bell.
and a jingle (so it follows the same pattern as the 'click')

>even in the heat of Celestia’s sun!
exclamations in third person narration are considered in bad taste.

>She didn’t know why she was so scared…but she took this as a very bad omen. A very bad omen indeed…
ellipses in third person narration is considered in bad taste too
>> No. 109631
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109631
Chapter 2

>“WOOHOO!” is all that was heard
was all that was heard

>smiling wide and immediately hugging the coat of the Lavender Mare, Twilight Sparkle.
You can't really hug a coat. You can hug a leg, a midsection, or their neck, but not their coat (unless she skins them first, of course)

>She hugged her friend tight
you just said this

>“P…Pinkie!!! AIR, please!!!”
Again, use single exclemation marks, and don't use capslock.

>their conversation went on for a little more
Capital T, and 'went on for a little more' is awkwardly phrased

>Pinkie Pie went over to a small wooden indention in the shape of a square behind the counter and on the floor. She used her hoof to pop up a metal loop on the trapdoor
Your initial description of it doesn't tell us what it is.

>She finally hit the bottom of the basement and squinted her eyes, looking for the lantern that was usually set up on a small table in the basement
cut the 'finally', cut 'her eyes', and cut 'in the basement'

>Pinkie Pie only shouted back, in a voice so menacing and cold “LIAR AND VILLAIN! I have been framed, along with one of my best friends! If justice be found, let it be found quickly here, for the truth will surface soon enough! TO HELL with you Inspector!”
This is highly out of character with what we've seen so far, and doesn't at all seem like something the pinkie pie established in your story would say.

>With that she bounded into the main floor
comma after 'that', also 'bounded into' doesn't work with 'a floor'. Rephrase it

Thoughts:
Your typography is non-standard, which makes it uneasy on the eyes. Typography doesn't lend much to a story, so I strongly urge you to switch to something more standard in terms of punctuation and paragraphs, so you may avoid things such as your opening paragraph which is a wall of text. What you do need to adress is inconsistancy with your indents. They didn't have a pattern in some places. You writing tends to have a few clunky sentences where your sentence structure isn't the correct one for what you're trying to convey. Figuring out which one is takes time, experience, and reading other people's work.

You need to use bold or italics for emphasis instead of multiple exclamation marks or caps lock. That being said, use italics sparingly and use bold even more sparingly.

Suggestion:
I'm cutting the review on the short side because I think you should go and reformat your fic to conform to the more common standards. You can find out proper formatting and use by looking in ezn's guide (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit) under the grammar section which includes formatting, dialogue, and the use of various punctuations.

Once you've read that section (it's only 6 or so pages), edited your fic follow that format, and included the fixes I've suggested, you should resubmit it for further review or simply let it stand with the corrected format and punctuation, since the best way to improve the readability and quality of your story is to fix its format.

Cheers.
>> No. 109632
Title: The bachelor party
Tags: Comedy
Description: Spike was given one task. One simple yet fundamental task: host the bachelor party. It may be after the wedding, but Spike is determined to become the best 'bachelor party thrower' Canterlot has ever seen.
Warning: Contains shenanigans.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11ZNheio84Gn7j2YKsc2Go1S0f5OK363fcYhBkWcfbak/edit

Notes: Eqd said: You need to find an editor to help you with grammar errors and generally odd phrasings.
>> No. 109651
I know you only requested two chapters reviewed, but when I went there and saw you'd made two more chapters I, well, I looked at them. It didn't take too long, as they’re pretty short and I had nothing really better to do at the time.

I kinda like the story’s direction, but you have some big problems. A lot have to do with arrangement (Strangely formed paragraphs, overcomplicated sentences, punctuation errors, etc.) But I think the biggest has to be you trying just a bit too hard for drama at times. This is especially obvious in the later chapters but crops up in the first two as well.

Here, have a link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v3LLMAqqNecO_3UGkPCAph2twLG8X0KdHtCnlfsA9UY/edit

I include plenty of examples from the first two chapters, but, like I said, I took a look at the later ones as well. There are more than a couple examples from those too.
>> No. 109661
File 134142252686.png - (149.27KB , 600x700 , Lyra-tired.png )
109661
>>109512
I'd taken your story, if it wasn't for the fact that I read your story before and I probably already have prejudices set in my mind.

That and a distinct lack of time of late. Sorry mate.
>> No. 109663
Hello there, this is your reviewer Dublio. Apologies for the delay. Before we begin, I'm going to link Ezn's guide because I will be referring to it many times throughout this review. Here it is!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit

First, your synopsis. Since it's what many people will see first, you want to make sure it's perfect.

>Rainbow Dash just wants to be awesome, be a hero, and fulfill her dream of being a Wonderbolt. But she learns the hard way that the Element of Loyalty is all about choices, rather you want to make them or not. Turning to her literary hero for guidance, Dash beings a journey of self-sacrifice and ultimately, love.

You're going to want to fix your synopsis. I think you meant to say "all about choices, whether you want to make them or not" and "begins a journey."

Anyhoo, let's address the pre-reader issues.

Pre-Reader Issues:

There were a few examples that I found where a hyphen should go, so I marked them down in doc. Essentially a hyphen is used to connect different words into a single word. It can also be used for multiple words as well. Some examples are

ice-cream-flavored candy
little-celebrated paintings
much-needed haircut
rose-colored pony

If the hyphen wasn't there, the words wouldn't be able to stand by itself. Remove them and see what happens. Unless you're saying that the candy was made of ice, the paints were little, that the haircut was much (makes no sense) or that the pony was colored, then it needs a hyphen. Here are some resources on hyphens.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/hyphens.asp
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyphen
http://www.writingforward.com/grammar/punctuation-marks/punctuation-dashes-and-hyphens-whats-the-difference

When they refer to dialogue tagging mistakes, they meant that after dialogue, there were words that should have been capitalized. If it's a speaking verb that follows, it's lowercase, but if it's an action it's capitalized. To explain it better, look at the dialogue attribution section in Ezn's guide. Pay close attention to which is a speaking verb and which is an action.

When they say em-dash misuse, they are referring to a punctuation mark. It seems like you've used an emdash a few things correctly in your story but other times, there's a endash instead. I've marked off in your doc which should be emdashes. For more information, you can either look at Ezn's guide or look at the below sites.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/dashes.asp
http://www.mentalfloss.com/difference/en-dash-vs-em-dash/
http://cutewriting.blogspot.com/2008/06/en-dash-em-dash-and-hyphen.html
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_good_word/2011/05/the_caseplease_hear_me_outagainst_the_em_dash.html

Normally, em-dashes are used for interruptions or when they want to spice up their sentence variation by replacing commas. Sometimes you used them to indicate pauses. For those, you want ellipses. An Em dash is used for appositives and sentence breaks, and there is no space before or after them.

You were missing some commas in your sentences, which led to some confusing sentences. Commas are annoying to learn for writing but once you learn how to use them, they get easier. If you think the rules are complicated, know that many of them are subjective depending on the meaning you want to put on the sentence. There were a few times where commas were missing at the end of the sentences when it ends or begins with a name. I marked them in gdocs. Here are two links that will help you with your comma issues.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

As for sentence fragments, I tried to point out some of them in your story. Basically, a sentence fragment is a dependent clause that cannot stand alone as its own sentence. Sometimes fragments can be used in sentences for emphasis, but it seems like you made them on accident. Here, read this.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/620/1/

The last issue is starting sentences with conjunctions. Some people frown on this, but it's technically okay to use them IF you know what you're doing. Generally, people don't mind if it's in dialogue but if you use them willy-nilly in narrative, it gets annoying instead. The way you used them makes it seem like you didn't know you were using them. To recap, conjunctions are:
and, but, for, or, nor, so, and yet. More indepth example in the link below.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/598/01/

Want examples from your story? Here's three.

>But the soggy pink pony in the green snorkel and swim fins already had her in a wet and warm embrace.
>But why did it feel so depressing now that the others were gone?
>Or at the very least see it as some form of self imposed isolation

There were more in your gdocs which I've marked, so you can check for them there.

Here's a small note. Pre-readers can't point out everything that's wrong with a story. Some prereaders (like reviewers) see different things, so if they don't see something, there still might be something wrong with your story. Anyway, all of the above was just addressing what you posted in your initial post and have nothing to do with your review.

I know I posted a lot of links, but no one ever said writing was easy. :D

Alright, let's move onto the other stuff.

Other Issues

Headhopping

I couldn't tell who the narrator was because we kept having indirect thoughts of every character cluttering the narrator. The main character is supposed to be Rainbow Dash, right? Then we should focus on solely her thoughts. If you switch to another character, it's only okay if you have a scene break first. But you are constantly telling the reader the character's thoughts and the constant switching is rather confusing. There's something similar that occurs that's called an omniscient narrator, but I don't think that's what you were doing. Here are some links that can help better than I can.

http://rewriterewordrework.wordpress.com/2012/05/05/then-what-is-head-hopping/
http://jamigold.com/2011/02/what-makes-omniscient-pov-different-from-head-hopping/
http://blog.double-dragon-ebooks.com/?p=331

Semi-colon usage

All of the semicolons you used in your writing were incorrect. Sentences connect too independant sentences together. You had dependent clauses (sentence fragments) on one side which means that it can't stand alone. Because of that, I ask you to check here.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/04/

Excessive exclamation points

You have so many exclamation points littering your story, it loses most of its meaning. It becomes white noise. You're supposed to use them when you want to have an impact with the words. It sounds like everyone is super excitable, but I'm not entirely sure if you were doing this on purpose to show if they're drunk or just irrational and shout at each other constantly. I think Pinkie gets depressed way too easily, but I guess that explains the constant shouting. You also want to make sure not to put your words in all caps.

It's okay to rarely use that, but you want to make sure that it keeps its impact, same as the exclamation points. Normally people would rather you italicize it instead. When you have a flashback or dream sequence and it's already italicized, that's when you use the caps, since I assume you had no other choice. All caps lock does is make the story look odd and brings the reader out and reminds them that "HEY YOU. YES, YOU. YOU'RE READING A STORY." When you overuse them, it can also become grating.

Here's another helpful link.

http://mayracalvani.com/2011/08/30/tips-to-write-better-dialogue/

Said Tags

You don't use said tags at all. Said tags are invisible. Readers will skip over them. Instead of talking on and on about why it's better to use said tags, I'm just going to copypaste a passage from "How NOT to Write a Novel."

ASSEVERATED THE MAN

Published authors use the word "said" almost exclusively when they wish to indicate that a particular character is saying something. "Said" is a convention so firmly established that readers for the most part do not even see it. This helps to make the dialogue realistic by keeping its superstructure invisible. Many unpublished authors, however, become uncomfortable with the repetition of the word "said" and try to improve the technology of dialogue by substituting any verb that has ever been associated with speech or language.

The only thing any of this does, though, is draw attention to the unconventional verb, which reminds the reader that there is an author, who is struggling mightily to avoid the word "said." There are of course exceptions: "asked" is used for questions, "shouted" is used for a character that is doing so, and there will occasionally be a good reason to use a word other than "said" for plain speech. But spicing things up with "importuned," "vociferated," or "clamored" will sabotage any attempt to make conversation sound real.

<endquote>

You use every possible word besides said and sometimes they repeat constantly. Be aware of that.

LUS

You have a lot of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in your story. What's that? Well, here's a copypaste as to what Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) is.

Definition:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

<End quote>

Yea, I get that you don't want to repeat names over and over. That's what pronouns are for. Constantly using the description, occupation, or anything else that links to a character that isn't a name or a pronoun can get quite jarring. If your pronouns are confusing, you have to either reword the sentence or switch the pronouns around. It is perfectly okay to repeat names more than once. If you find your dialogue cluttered with names, then just remove the attribution tags. If you've done your dialogue well enough and given your characters a voice, the less you have to write their names. But putting down LUS constantly doesn't work. The second it takes for a reader to figure out who that is is enough to break immersion and get them booted out of your fic. Here are two articles that explain why it's bad.

http://eznwords.tumblr.com/post/21010451863/ellyewess
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mind-your-language/2010/jun/02/my-synonym-hell-mind-your-language

Ending Thoughts

I know I gave you a lot of links and information to comb through, but please don't give up. I may have put a lot of comments into your Gdocs, but that was only because I wanted to help you. Anyhoo, that's the end of my review. Hope I helped.
>> No. 109668
>>109363
>>109364

First off, thanks so much for the review! Argh, I never thought Tyrone Carter was a real guy, an accomplished football player at that! Well, that'll teach me a lesson to always research your character before writing a story. Anyways, I think I can use your advice rather constructively to re-make the first chapter, and apply it to the rest of 'em.

To address what seems to be one of your major concerns, also turned out to be one of my concerns as well. It was hard for me to see if my story could stand alone without the lyrics, and your comments confirmed exactly what I feared. Although I still want this to be a rock ballad, and I know that it won't... appease a lot of my readers when I say I want to keep the lyrics, I do think you're right about trimming away the... fat, so to say.

Although I did project one thing right, he is, as you say, a generally bad guy. Does he deserve redemption? Or will he be shown a life he could of had in real life, had he chosen the other path?

Oh well, off to the chopping block we go! Thanks again!
>> No. 109670
File 134142670308.jpg - (2.81KB , 125x95 , 132726240799s.jpg )
109670
>>109668
Good on you to take the initiative. I'd offer to look through the rest of it if you want me to, but leaving comments all over what you're going to re-construct anyways seems a bit pointless.

>Or will he be shown a life he could of had in real life, had he chosen the other path?
This is... actually a good option, so rather than a redemption theme, you can go with reflection. That's something not often explored with HiE, as least as far as I know, and it gives you massive points if you can pull off the whole "parallel" setup between the human life and the pony life. You know what? That's a pretty good idea. Go with that.
>> No. 109671
>>109396
I sure hope this counts as an acknowledgment.

I would like to say again, thank you for taking the time to review the first chapters of my AppleShy series, and yes, I agree when it comes to titles, it's pretty crappy.

Given the points you mentioned, I think you can safely skip the rest. You'll be pretty much repeating the same points, and your time might be better spent on a shorter fic. I really appreciate the time you took. It was great to get an outside voice on things I need improvement on, but hey, if we don't want to improve, what's the point, right?
>> No. 109679
Title: Super Mario Galaxy: Equestrian Stars

Author: warpd

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Sci-Fi

Synopsis: Mario continues his adventure to collect the power stars to stop the Koopa King from taking over the Universe. His journey takes him to the world of Equestria where he will find unique challenges and make a few new friends. Mario's arrival in Equestria will spark an adventure his new friends will never forget.

Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UhLH7DeX5d44z_WpsSI2K9dyYhKHgp8FlOhwEuleZD8/edit
>> No. 109680
>>109679
Know what, I am not a good reviewer, but I will read it because it sounds fun. I might end up telling you how much I enjoyed it.
>> No. 109684
Story: Tales of a Dreamer
Tags: Adventure, Normal
Synopsis: It's summer vacation, and Dinky Doo just finished the last fantasy novel in the house. Bored out of her wits, she starts acting out her own fantasy story. The other kids in the neighborhood gradually join in, however things quickly get out of hoof.
Words: 4333
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NK7IwbXSrE7nxkTxbxW4-V1VF0hS9uhgwHfZvzOrROk/edit

Comments: We're on our last chance with EQD. The Major thing they pointed out to us was Show vs. Tell. Everything else was minor grammar and spelling errors. We're hitting this sucker with a cluster edit bomb. and we'll keep doing so until there's no mistakes anypony can find. We're on our last leg and were begging for help.
Sincerely
~The Dinky Society
>> No. 109686
>>109684
Not to rain on your parade, but you'll never quite get there. As I've said before, the only person who will be satisfied with a revision is the last reviewer who saw it. You can't get to the point that nobody finds anything wrong with it. At some point, you bite the bullet and take your chances, but it wouldn't hurt to do a bit of homework on the reviewers here (reputation, success with their own fics, provided they publish under the same name) and request one that would seem to suit your needs. List of TTG regulars is linked at the top of the thread.
>> No. 109702
File 134145039458.png - (120.65KB , 560x826 , 36100 - artist arcum89 laughing pinkamena_diane_pie pinkie_pie.png )
109702
>>109686
At least that's updated. The review board is so outdated it's not even funny.
>> No. 109705
File 134145145808.jpg - (146.89KB , 560x420 , z62.jpg )
109705
>>109567
I guess watching the original trilogy movies, Wing, Seed, and half of Seed Destiny should be enough to understand this.

Claiming!
>> No. 109735
>>109567
I would like to request that my story be remvoed from the queue. I have accepted my ban and I will seek help elsewhere.
>> No. 109736
>>109705
>>109735
Regardless, I am in the midst of re-editing my own story, and I don't want to cause anyone trouble here by having them help out a rule-breaker on this site.

Azunyan if you would still like to proof my story despite the damage I wuill cause then contact me at my email address. I won't turn down someone who wants to help, however I will say that the story won't require knowing gundam to read but knwing gundam may help you learn things before other readers do.
>> No. 109751
>>109741
I can't seem to delete the last post, but since AzuNyan has already begun tearing into it it seems futile to try and remove it from the queue now.

Unfortunately it may be some time before I can correct the mistakes he's going to not because I have to go and learn a lot about botany jsut to get past the opening scenes and expand the pacing, which is going to rwquire a lot of knowledge and fluff that's going to be rendered meaningless once the main story gets going.

for now I must sleep, sorry about all tyhe extra posts.
>> No. 109753
I'll take care of this thing. I can at least blow off some of the dust.
>> No. 109770
File 134149900624.jpg - (24.40KB , 464x261 , 130316480107.jpg )
109770
Greetings TTG! I jotted down a short thing. I wonder if anyone would care to have a look at it.

1) Moving On
2) Seattle_Lite
3) [Shipping/Slice o Life] I know, I know. I'm a sell-out
4) Sweetie Belle has been living with Rarity since their parents went off to see the world, but some years have passed, and it may be time for a change.
5) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wmXnd1dDRSgFJpJqqp-ZoICh-drVrm51LiDHjO_34wo/edit?pli=1
6) One-shot... maybe. Most likely.

Thanks for your time, an keep up the good work. This is also over in the new SLP/Nic thread as well.
Cheers!
>> No. 109788
>>109770

MINE! Just back away everyone...

*Ahem*

By which I mean, I'll be happy to review this, Seattle.
>> No. 109795
You wondered why very few reviewers took this. The main reasons have been discussed but I have to add one.

And before you ask, yes, I did read all the way through chapter five. I can sympathize with you on no-one wanting to look at the entirety of a piece, taking the whole of a story into account and not just the little grammatical details, so I thought I’d try it out. However, before dedicating myself to this review, I thought it best to take a look first.

You have no idea just how close you were to not getting this.

The first two chapters are incredibly clunky and still loaded with distracting and tiring errors, I believe many of which Dublio pointed out to you, and that never bodes well.

I almost gave up several times because the thought of the rest being written like this scared me half to death. I pressed on and found the writing actually got better, or at least I was able to notice the problems less and less and actually sink myself into the plot a bit.

It was about here though that I realized that when someone nags you about details, especially about grammar and arrangement, it’s for a good reason. Despite what you may have thought about a reviewer giving up only after chapter two, and being unable to tell you about the plot, he had a very good reason. It just really is that hard to get through this.

But, maybe it’d be best if I show you: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OMNsFpqHm0XdzLzVyLikapDlKRXHnbBLpLPnvFHLsjo/edit
>> No. 109805
Here is a fanfiction I would like someone to review. It is fairly short and a work in progress.

Title: Lost Souls
Author: MissInfinityness
Tags: Normal, Adventure, Mystery
Synopsis: Everything in Ponyville is open for adventure for the Cutie Mark Crusaders...until they meet a mysterious pony during one of their Crusades. Before they know it, they find themselves, and the rest of the Mane Six, thrown into a puzzle too big for only they to solve. They soon learn that one pony may be the key to access theirs, and their closest friend's, past.
Word Count: I have no clue

Author's Note: PLEASE don't discard my fic right away because it seems very similar to Past Sins, because it isn't-honestly, it was inspired by My Little Dashie. Once I get the rest of the chapters done, it won't seem as similar.

Here's the Google docs link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bMbg-TtsKidlVKFlPD2Str7FSDsl3ZqqbWGPVSVpleg/edit

This is at muttation's thread for unfinished works, but he closed it a little while ago.

Thanks!
>> No. 109807
>>109805
Shoot, I forgot to change one thing: the title isn't Lost Souls, it's Words.
>> No. 109809
File 134151278972.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
109809
>>109795
>>108413
You've been a help and that sort of thing doesn't go unnoticed. Also, according to my fancy mathematics, you've waited 12 days for a review of 950 words, which frankly, seems sortta silly.

You may want to reconsider limiting access to your GDocs in the future, though. People like to have a sneak peek before committing, for fear of having to backtrack after making the claim - due to content, subject matter, what have you. You'll have received a request for access anyway; [email protected] would be me.
>> No. 109810
My story is complete and posted to FiMFiction. What I want now is for a reviewer, or two, to go through the entire story and give me pointers and critiques. I'm looking to improve the flow and style of the story in general. Just to make it the best it can be.

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash, a newly promoted Sergeant in the Galactic Republic forces, has been given the prestigious honor of joining Wonderbolt Squad, the best and brightest special operations unit in the galaxy. They're elite, they're fast, they're efficient, and best of all, Dash is one of them. But when she sets hoof on the dusty, rocky world of Ord Mantell for the first time, she discovers very quickly that being the best does not make you invincible. Her selfish pride may get in the way of seeking assistance, and even the persistent pestering of a certain Smuggler may not be enough to save the Sergeant from an untimely demise at the hands of the rebellious Separatists plotting to take over Ord Mantell.

Tags: Sci-Fi, Crossover, Adventure, Dark
>> No. 109812
>>109809
Do you mean I am limiting, or that I should start limiting? Because if it's the latter I'm going to start getting very irritated with Google.

Every blasted time I enable comments before putting up the link, but it seems as if I'm cursed.

Regardless, I'll add you and look forward to your critique.
>> No. 109814
>>109812
You might want to add a link.

>>109810
GDocs automatically limit access. If you click on the padlock Security symbol at the top-left of the doc, you can change the settings- to anyone on the web/with the link can comment, if you're looking for a review.
>> No. 109829
>>109795

Well hot damn, that's almost the quickest review I've ever seen!

I see your point on a lot of those issues, and as to the rape thing, I'll admit some of that was leftover from a previous incarnation of Mandeville back when he was a total bastard. I'll consider whether to off that bit or not. Either way I'll make it subtler, as you say.

I do sorta' want Mandeville's childhood trauma to have done a few things to him in terms of cognitive dissonance, so the fact that he has some is intentional. Again, subtlety about his father's hatred is also a good idea. I just wanted it to be extreme enough to be able to sufficiently break him as a child.

The only thing I'm confused about is your criticism of my constant use of "said". You see, "said" had typically been replaced with all manner of substitutes in previous drafts, but I got several reviewers and writing guides telling me to avoid this habit of "said-ism," and that using "said" predominately kept the sentence flow going and didn't distract the reader.

If you could elaborate on this, it would be very helpful, because I feel I'm getting some conflicting opinions on this issue.
>> No. 109838
Title: Out of Fashion
Tags: [Normal]
Synopsis: Even the most talented ponies stumble once in a while. Rarity is out of ideas for the first time in her fashion career and it's making her miserable. When her friends find out, they decide that a trip out of Ponyville is the answer. The six friends travel to the most inspirational places they can think of to reignite Rarity's spark.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13vJGrepExNrlEqFFhE5lZlEM1C_IQjaTAQXNHsMSp7A/edit

This is roughly 1/4th of the story, as I'm still writing it. Before I continue, I want to nip my problems in the bud. My big concern is grammar. I'm trying to imporve my skills so if someone could point out my errors, I would appreciate that. Of course, opinions on the story itself are always welcome too.
>> No. 109850
>>109838

Oops. Looks like I'm not linked correctly in the queue. Where it should say >>109838 it says Error. I'm guessing I screwed up the submission form. Is there a way for us to get in there and fix that?
>> No. 109867
Review Update by Dublio:

Currently working through Fluttershy Effect, by Masem. Sorry for the delays, had to do a few private reviews first. Also read the first scene of "All the Stars in the Sky" and will be finished with that one soon.

What I do if it's on fimfiction is that I read it first, then go through it line by line. Otherwise the errors will prevent me from seeing the bigger picture. No worries, if you need more help then just ask. :)
>> No. 109897
>>109829
Certainly. I’d be happy to explain to the best of my ability.

While true that using everything but "said" to avoid using "said" is not much better than just using "said", you can use language and the way someone reads to help say who's speaking without necessarily outright telling us all the time too. You can also use said, asked, and things like that when you need to.

Let's take a particular example from your story, if the above was just a little confusing and unhelpful at this particular minute:

"But I thought you liked my cousin?" she said with a whimper, having scarcely glanced at her surroundings since the quake.

"Well, generally if I could choose between missing a visit and skirting through these woods, I'd opt-out, Plume’," the stallion said.

"I thought we agreed not to use that nickname,” she said with a growing frown. “Am I made of smoke, Peppermint?"

"Alright Plumeria,” Peppermint said, “though you know, four syllables? Gets a bit wearing.

“But honestly," he said, rounding on the gnarled trees below, "who would build a village that bordered this, let alone earth ponies? Earth ponies who, y'know, can't fly away, or conjure defenses, or fight off half the things living in here. Unlike crazy unicorn mares who apparently think it's no big deal."


Like I explained in the review, there are just too many saids in there. It gets extremely repetitive.

Here’s a different form, and it has none of the saids, but it also has some more complicated variety as well:

"But I thought you liked my cousin?" she whimpered, having scarcely glanced at her surroundings since the quake.

"Well, generally if I could choose between missing a visit and skirting through these woods, I'd opt-out, Plume’."

"I thought we agreed not to use that nickname,” growled the unicorn. “Am I made of smoke, Peppermint?"

"Alright Plumeria. Though you know, four syllables? Gets a bit wearing,” was Peppermint’s weary reply.

He looked at the gnarled trees below, “But honestly, who would build a village that bordered this, let alone earth ponies? Earth ponies who, y'know, can't fly away, or conjure defenses, or fight off half the things living in here. Unlike crazy unicorn mares who apparently think it's no big deal."


These can help convey some emotion, and even some action, without overusing the saids. And they’ll certainly help keep us from getting bored.

Look at the first one. This is the example of how you are using these right now. The form is “X Y” where X is a speaker and Y is a short action. It’s quick, dirty, and meant to convey very simple information. Now, the problem isn’t even so much just the use of said, or other things like asked, replied, etc. but the use of this form so repeatedly that kills you. Variation isn’t called for in the word, so much as the way the action and giver or receiver of action is conveyed.

Now take note of the second one. There’s absolutely no said, asked, or any other such items in that one, no action at all, but because we know there are two ponies speaking, and you already told us whom the first one is, we can immediately assume that a new set equals a new speaker. Since there are only two sharing a dialogue, we know who’s answering her. If there were three or more, you could have two share a dialogue, and still use this once in a while so long as you were sure to let people know when two different characters started in on the conversation. You could even have no actions for a few of these, just simple back and forth, so long as you didn’t let it carry on too long. As hard as we try, people cannot manage more than a single set of give and answer. Only two people can really “talk” at a time in a true conversation, especially in books where we take what happened before to give us hints as to what’s happening now. Oh sure, you can have “multiple” people giving different answers, in which this form can still be useful by conveying that overwhelming confusion of not knowing who’s saying what for a small time.

The third is just a simple switching of X and Y keep us on our toes.

Number four can be handy too. You have a piece of dialogue, followed by who said it and even a little bit of how they said it. Again, there’s no real action here as the word “reply” is treated more like a noun I believe. He gave a(n) __.

And finally that last set. In this was a pronoun followed by a longer action, with no indication of how he said it, just what he’s doing and then using a comma to link that to that action. We all know who’s speaking, because we just read “he” and “he” was explained in the above sentence as well. “He” looks and the comma shows that this is just a continuation of that.

So there’s some methods you can use to add variety to your dialogue. The only thing to remember now is that you can never go too heavily on any of these. The instant one starts becoming a regular pattern, it gets repetitive and we lose interest as readers. Variety is the spice of life but never use just one in a recipe if you want to create true flavor. You wouldn’t eat a soup if all the chef used was salt.
>> No. 109912
File 134154557252.jpg - (112.61KB , 1264x632 , 5f3a2ec0e903f6acc48ff3e513d1729d.jpg )
109912
First time posting on Ponychan. Please don't castrate me if I do something wrong. Please?

Title: Beyond The Everfree.

Genre Tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Death does not exist in Equestria: the concept has no meaning; the word is just a sound. What there is is something else.

Something that affects your memories; something that writes your labours from the world and leaves you to Pass on.

But not everyone forgets, and when the time comes for one more member of the Apple family to Pass on, Big Macintosh refuses to just let her go. Instead, he follows after, starting off a journey that'll stretch out beyond the Everfree Forest.

And Equestria itself.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/171mU4J1XzKLtxnqnX0MxYOnjTlyWqFqfAw_qAkLGvKY/edit

Comments: Sent it into EQD. This is the reply:

This isn't bad for a head-canon fic. I'm actually rather interested to see what all you have in mind for it.

That being said, I can't let it pass. The errors are fortunately trivial... but there's a lot of them.

I'd recommend you taking this to a reviewing site like Ponychan and asking for help with grammar in particular. Some of the phrasings you used are clearly portraying Mac's thoughts or speech patterns, but others are inexplicable. Have another set of eyes on, and you'll see.

Phrasing/word choice

Example:
We paced out of the kitchen and into the sitting room, my grandpa shunting the door connecting them firmly shut

In this, you're actually using the word 'shunted' correctly. Your sentence IS correct, but it reads very strangely. I'd recommend choosing a different word to replace it and consider a rephrasing.

Punctuation: Colon isn't appropriate there. Semicolon, or better yet... period after something and put a 'The' before story.
easy like it’s a report or something: story comes when the story comes.

All in all, the story has promise but needs a bit more work before it can go up. I STRONGLY recommend having Ponychan give it a once over to help with all the fiddly grammar bits.


-Pre-reader Grump

So, yeah. I need help with my grammar, please.

And I guess I'll try and help out on >>1088002
>> No. 109913
>>109912

And there's the something wrong. Meant >>108802
>> No. 109918
>>109770

Apparently I've garnered a small reputation for brutality here on /fic/. I can't decide whether to feel accomplished or ashamed. Seattle told me to "drop my bombs" if I wish. And I do wish.

No, in all seriousness, this wasn't terrible. There are some problems, though, so let's have a looksie.


Let's do this, shall we?

The Short and Sweet

Pros:
1) ScootaBelle - D'awww...
2) Cute concept
3) Unusually precise grammar, punctuation and spelling
4) Sexy Good character development

Cons:
1) Telling. Telling out the wazoo
2) Blunt, off-putting phrasing
3) Cliche subject

The Long and Painful

Alright, the pros are self-explanatory (I'm really not here to shower authors with praise), so let's examine every "con" I just brought up in excruciating detail.

1) Telling out the wazoo

I'm not going to waste time explaining the difference between show and tell; you're a pre-reader, and you've written before, so you understand. Oh my, is there a lot of it.

For starters, almost half of the story is straight telling. Sweetie Belle is explaining everything that's happened in her life until this point, aka telling. Here's what I would recommend you do instead:

Save all of the information that SB gives in the first several pages until she meets up with Scootaloo. Have them talk all the information out, rather than having SB narrate it. Maybe it's because my writing style focuses heavily on dialogue, but I've always found that dialogue over narration makes for a much richer experience. I feel like dialogue pulls you into the story and sets the scene more than the best narration.

Now that I got that recommendation out of the way, let's take a look at a specific sentence. I know this may seem like a nitpick on the surface, but in reality, I feel this phrase set the entire story off on the wrong foot.

>"Oh hell. I feel myself blush hotly in shame. I really need to move out."

As soon as she says "move out," the rest of the story is superfluous. That entire scene with Scootaloo isn't really necessary, since we already know what she's planning on doing. There’s no mystery, no questions; there’s nothing to be figured out. Just a standard shipping one-shot. Perhaps if you tried something like this:

"Oh hell. I feel myself blush hotly in shame, flipping onto my back a moment later. Gaze fixed immovably on the ceiling, I have to wonder... maybe it's time for a change of pace?"

That kind of statement is an implication rather than direct revelation. It hints at the point of the story, and it would also allow for some awkward humor during the conversation with Scootaloo, since the reader doesn’t know what’s going on quite yet. Is Sweetie Belle going on vacation? Leaving Ponyville? That makes the reveal that much more fun and interesting.

Oh, I didn’t want to make an entire section for this, but it’s still important enough to mention. I’m getting a very Mary Sue feel from your Sweetie Belle. She…
-Graduated with honors
-Is studying with a unicorn who is arguably the most powerful magician in Equestria
-Has a fuckbuddy marefriend
-Has magic hooves that carry her to her favorite café without command (this one is a joke, just in case anyone actually takes it seriously)

I mean, what’s her weakness? A penchant for masturbation? Like with telling, I won’t bother explaining Mary Sue characters. Just a thought. Speaking of masturbation…

2) Blunt, off-putting phrasing

>“She caught me masturbating.”

This is borderline clop if I’ve ever seen it. Remember, this is a kid’s show were talking about here. In my opinion, we either need to accept the fact that we’re defiling a children’s show and go full-on clop, or at least try to keep it acceptable. The problem with this sentence isn’t that it’s naughty; I can deal with naughty. The problem is that the statement lacks subtlety. You’re getting the point across, sure. But are you using finesse and grace in the way you portray it? The short answer is no. The long answer is that you’re taking the twelve inch long dildo of your words and sticking it up the ass of Joe Reader. Similar to the sentence I talked about above, if you made this an implication rather than a direct statement, I feel like it would add to the experience.

I was going to complain about the section in which Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle met up on account of the sexuality, but after reading a few times, I realized there’s nothing to complain about. It’s well-written enough to not be straight-up porn.

I think that does it for the phrasing.

Cliche subject

I’m guessing you’ve already figured this out, but your story is quite cliche. It’s really just another standard shipfic with some new elements woven in. I’m not saying that it wasn’t interesting; it just wasn’t groundbreaking.

Yeah, I’m not really sure what advice to give here. There’s not a whole lot to be done about this, considering the story is already written and being reviewed. I just thought I should bring it up.

Overall

I was informed by an anonymous user in the document chat-box that this fic has already been approved and is in the Equestria Daily posting queue. I’m apologize for disagreeing with the pre-readers, but despite the fact that I enjoyed reading it, I think this story is well below EqD quality, and certainly outside their content restrictions.

Here’s the bottom line: Seattle, you’re a pre-reader, and that means that someone, somewhere along the line decided that you’re damn good at writing. Sure, you can celebrate the fact that you’ve been approved for the blog and forget the story entirely, but I don’t think this story truly reflects how talented you are. Please consider revisiting the story and making appropriate revisions.

In conclusion, I do NOT want criticism to be the highlight of my review; I have a lot of respect for you Seattle, so don’t think I’m downing on you. While the story was not impressive from a technical standpoint, it was a cute and interesting read that’s worth a few minutes if you have them.

If you have any questions, feel free to reply.
>> No. 109922
>>109918
How, in good name, was this story approved? Who made such a terrible call? I mean, come on...
>> No. 109936
>>109918
Had a read through this myself and discussed it with a friend. I have to say I agree with Umbra on every major point. There were some surprising mechanical problems, and the indelicate treatment of her personal issues (and frankly the use of them at all) just left me shaking my head. To each his own, but this just isn't for me, and I'm not comfortable that it's for EqD or /fic/ either.

There's barely any build-up to a conflict, so nothing of note is resolved. It reads more like a scene than a story. It also feels like an unnatural rewrite to Rarity's personality. Ugh. i can tell there's a good writer in there, but that just left me feeling a bit hollow.
>> No. 109937
>>109936

I have to say, that's quite a bit disappointing. I agree with this poster. It feels more like a scene, not a story. It's way too short and could be expanded. Some of the parts seem unnecessary and it doesn't quite seem appropriate for EqD. I know you're a good writer Seattle, but I still think this should be worked on a bit more.

If it's already been approved, then I'm not sure what to think about the EqD fic process anymore. I'll just say that I don't imagine it will end well. The very first scene involves masturbation and Rarity is considered a slut. It just... doesn't seem like a good fit for EqD.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just some guy.
>> No. 109938
>>109922
It's far better than 95% of the crap we receive.

>>109936
>>109937
It's got a resolution and conflict, they're just slightly rushed. Is the story perfect? No, of course not, but see "better than 95% of the crap we receive" in the first comment.

Now quit acting like u jelly bellies and practice writing until you can write half as well as Seattle, then you can bitch about "standards being too low."
>> No. 109939
>>109938
I have several very successful fics, thank you.
>> No. 109940
>>109938
You can claim it's better than any arbitrary number you want, it is still way below anything posted lately in EqD. Our writing abilities have nothing to do with that, and you know very damn well that is the point.

This shouldn't have gotten a post in EqD; not because we don't like the story, not because my friends didn't get theirs posted, nor because the sky was red, because you know those don't matter squat, but because the story isn't up to standards you so are so fond to call upon when people wonder why their stories were rejected.
>> No. 109941
>>109940
This implies that EqD has one standard that everyone must meet up to. I don't know about the quality of the story in question, but it's not like it's so bad it just can't be on EqD. pre-readers will view everything differently. May I remind everyone of 'Twilight Sparkle earns the Feature Box'? Just because it's not up to YOUR standards doesn't mean it's not for EqD. /fic/ has a higher standard anyways.
>> No. 109943
>>109940
In your opinion. Yet, the standards-keepers of Equestria Daily had the opinion it was postable. In terms of "quality standards of Equestria Daily," their opinion is more important than yours.

This is all just because Seattle's a prereader and you want to piss and moan about favoritism. Any non-prereader and you wouldn't be anonymous and/or so hateful.
>> No. 109944
>>109943

Gentlemen, regardless of my opinion, Nick is right. I was trying to give the author my earnest opinion, but slinging hate at the pre-readers will accomplish nothing. This was an admonition directed at Seattle to improve his story, not hatred toward the pre-readers. I think we all need to grow up a little bit.

Nick, I had no intention of starting an argument, nor was I implying issues of favoritism. You have my humble apologies for that behavior.
>> No. 109946
>>109943
Actually, I was part of those calling out against the mature story posted in the Fallout Equestria story, and I have yet to see anything dealing with masturbation on the first part, info dump on the second and then meandering unto nothingness on the third in EqD. I saw them as rejects telling them they are better off in FiMfiction. And I was happy about it, because they don't deserve to be in EqD.


And no, I don't give a damn whatever title some people have, I will still voice my opinion, and the story does not, in fact, merit any more attention than most of those fimfiction rejects and I would be certain to post it whenever necessary.

As for the favoritism charge, I couldn't give less of a fuck, you are just using it to dismiss the fact the story is nothing more than some half-assed attempt at a story.

>>109944
Neither are my comments, it's directed directly to the author, reminding him that his story is not good enough and that he should fix it, despite being accepted. The story is no good, you know it, I know it, I am sure that if you asked /fic/ to comment they would tell you that it should not have be posted as is.
>> No. 109948
>>109943

There is no difference between being a pre-reader or not. The point is that the story could have been expanded a bit/the theme is a bit more mature than normal. I'm not cracking on the writing abilities, I know Seattle is a competent writer. I'm just questioning the story's content, that's all.

Geez. I'm talking about the story, not pre-readers. Not sure where flinging hate came from.
>> No. 109949
Welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer Dublio speaking and this is my review of Fluttershy Effect, by Masem. Something unrelated, I reviewed for you before way back on November 30th. I've noticed that there were some tendencies that you kept, like the overuse of exclamation points and the awkward way of writing that includes a lot of filler to mention obvious things you already mentioned. Anyhoo, just thought it was interesting, hehe.

While I was going through your story, I was being an editor, not a reviewer. I pointed out misspelled words, missing words, words in the wrong tenses, filler words, capitalization errors, missing commas, and other basic mistakes. All of that was done in Gdocs. I even went over it a second time to catch the stuff I missed. I assume it's because you just couldn't see the errors yourself, I get that. I think next time I'll just review the main points instead of editing, because it took a really really long time. Let me go over some of the basic things you had.

LUS
Excessive amounts of emdashes.
Excessive amounts of interrobangs
missing commas
Telling issues
Other basic problems with mechanics

Add all of this to the stuff I posted out in Gdocs. I think we got most of it, but some other issues remain. The stuff that's harder to fix. For now, let's focus on the easier stuff. You had a huge amount of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, you rarely used said, and you used the exclamation marks/interrobangs entirely too much. To save myself time, here's a copypaste from an earlier review. Yes, it applies to you.

Excessive exclamation points/Interrobangs

You have so many exclamation points littering your story, it loses most of its meaning. It becomes white noise. You're supposed to use them when you want to have an impact with the words. It sounds like everyone is super excitable, but I'm not entirely sure if you were doing this on purpose to show if they're drunk or just irrational and shout at each other constantly. I think Pinkie gets depressed way too easily, but I guess that explains the constant shouting. You also want to make sure not to put your words in all caps.

It's okay to rarely use that, but you want to make sure that it keeps its impact, same as the exclamation points. Normally people would rather you italicize it instead. When you have a flashback or dream sequence and it's already italicized, that's when you use the caps, since I assume you had no other choice. All caps lock does is make the story look odd and brings the reader out and reminds them that "HEY YOU. YES, YOU. YOU'RE READING A STORY." When you overuse them, it can also become grating.

Here's another helpful link.

http://mayracalvani.com/2011/08/30/tips-to-write-better-dialogue/

Said Tags

You don't use said tags at all. Said tags are invisible. Readers will skip over them. Instead of talking on and on about why it's better to use said tags, I'm just going to copypaste a passage from "How NOT to Write a Novel."

ASSEVERATED THE MAN

Published authors use the word "said" almost exclusively when they wish to indicate that a particular character is saying something. "Said" is a convention so firmly established that readers for the most part do not even see it. This helps to make the dialogue realistic by keeping its superstructure invisible. Many unpublished authors, however, become uncomfortable with the repetition of the word "said" and try to improve the technology of dialogue by substituting any verb that has ever been associated with speech or language.

The only thing any of this does, though, is draw attention to the unconventional verb, which reminds the reader that there is an author, who is struggling mightily to avoid the word "said." There are of course exceptions: "asked" is used for questions, "shouted" is used for a character that is doing so, and there will occasionally be a good reason to use a word other than "said" for plain speech. But spicing things up with "importuned," "vociferated," or "clamored" will sabotage any attempt to make conversation sound real.

<endquote>

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome(LUS):

You have a lot of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in your story. What's that? Well, here's a copypaste as to what Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) is.

Definition:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

<End quote>

In your case, I think that you don't have enough pronouns in your writing. If you find your writing cluttered with too many names, then rearrange your sentence or switch the pronouns. Keep in mind the reason for dialogue attribution tags. If your dialogue is good enough, you should be able to tell which character is talking, thus removing the need for them in the first place. Using constant LUS might get a bit confusing. Anyhoo, here are two links that can explain better than me.

http://eznwords.tumblr.com/post/21010451863/ellyewess
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mind-your-language/2010/jun/02/my-synonym-hell-mind-your-language

Misc Notes:

Ellipsis have a space after them
Emdashes don't have spaces before or after them
Don't overuse the ellipses, exclamation mark, emdash or other punctuation mark. It loses its effectiveness when you do.
Make sure you use emdashes, not dashes
Be careful of tenses, you switch a few times
Be careful not to use too many -ing sentences in the same sentence. Those imply that they're happening at the same time, so if they can't logically happen, it makes no sense.
Celestia is addressed by her proper title. They've always called her Princess Celestia in the show.
Use more pronouns instead of LUS. The mare, the unicorn, the pegasus are also forms of LUS.

Final Stuff

I liked the premise of your fic and it kept me interested to the end. That's good. However, I'd also like to say that after you fix up your fic, that if you really want to make it better, then get it reviewed again. I only looked for the mechanical things and other editorial stuff. But it seems that there's a problem with the writing itself. It's extremely telly sometimes, especially when describing the character's reactions to things. Sometimes it's awkwardly phrased as well, not to mention the tense changes and excessive -ing participle phrases. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at explaining this showing/telling concept. It's a problem that plagues many writers. The best I can do is link a few resources that can explain this concept better. The below contains Ezn's guide and two other website links.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/show-dont-tell.aspx
http://www.coffeehouseforwriters.com/fictionfix/0505Grossack.html

Small note about telling. Adverbs tell to modify weak verbs which only add to telling. Saying that a character does something in "insert emotion here" is telling. Also be careful of vague words that don't actually describe something.

Another small gripe is that the character's dialogue doesn't sound like their canon counterparts. I didn't really feel like Rarity was Rarity, Fluttershy doesn't seem THAT meek in the show, and Twilight was kinda mean. It feels like they acted that way to serve the plot, but unfortunately I'm not sure how else to describe this. At the very least, I wanted to bring it up so that the next reviewer can give you ideas. After you fix up the easier stuff I mentioned, try to mention the stuff I couldn't help with to the next reviewer.

Now, if I could go more indepth if you really wanted me to, but it's more likely that I'd just end up writing an enormous block of text that no one would ever read. There are so many more nuances in writing that modify a piece of writing that can't be fixed up in a single revision pass. You can make a piece of writing clean mechanically, yet still not be as good as it can be. It's your choice whether you want to take that extra step to improve your writing or just let it go as is. Either way, I hope I at least helped in some way. Despite all of the above, I did enjoy reading this fic and I see that you've improved a lot in the past six months. Take care and good luck with your future writing. :D
>> No. 109950
>>109946

Friend, please consider your attitude. Regardless of your opinions toward the pre-readers or toward EqD, or toward anything for that matter, your tone and language is totally unnecessary. We're all adults here, or close to it, and we can communicate as such. I don't care what your view of Nick is, treating anyone like that is beneath you.

I'd recommend that if we want to have a squabble of this nature, we take it outside the Training Grounds. We're derailing the thread, and that's not fair to posters. I would, however, recommend that we admit whatever fault we may have in this and move on.
>> No. 109951
>>109946
Because your hate-for-the-sake-of-hate is bullshit. Yeah, the story's got problems, but it got approved. Seattle's got a solid handle on the English language, and even though he didn't spend more than five hours on this, he didn't need to.

Complaining about the "quality" and "content" being too low/high only makes you look like a whiny EQD reject. Implying that FimFiction rejects stories of this caliber makes you look like an ignorant tool.

>>109948
Could've been better, but was good enough. I'm repeating myself now.
>> No. 109952
>>109951

Nick, with all due respect, can we take this down a notch? Class and dignity shouldn't be dependent on a situation. If anything, you can view this as an opportunity to cool off an argument.
>> No. 109953
File 134155633354.png - (80.38KB , 254x307 , Glare.png )
109953
>>109952
>me
>cool off an argument
You haven't been on /fic/ very long, have you?
>> No. 109954
>>109953

Quite a while, actually. But we're still pushing the TG closer to yet another auto-sage, so why don't we just agree to disagree? I feel like this argument is getting everyone nowhere very quickly; all we're doing is widening trenches here, and if reviewers are meant to help one another out, shouldn't there be a sense of community? Just consider it, Nick. Regardless of anyone else's actions, I'd admonish you to hold yourself to a higher standard.
>> No. 109958
>>109954
>community
In a perfect world, I'd have a jet pack.

You also assume that I haven't systematically had my ability to give a damn what anyone else on this board thinks of me burnt away over the course of one-and-a-quarter years.

Autosage means nothing for TTG, as another one will just get remade.

However, I've got work in the morning, so I'll leave the old argument alone anyway.
>> No. 109959
There is no sense of community here. All you get are people that wants their fics reviewed and don't care about anything else, people that complain that the IRC is useless, and reviewers that do their best until they eventually get burned out and leave. Some faster than others.

Sooner or later, all of that wasted time means later when people leave. I guess the best thing you can do is just try and improve your writing and then leave. At least that way you can try writing a book or something after you leave the fandom. I don't know, I'm reaching for straws here.
>> No. 109963
>>109034

You know what? I know how much it blows to wait this long fora reviewer, and I also know that almost no one claims fics of this length. I'll give it a whirl.
>> No. 109965
>>109959
Hello Sparky.

Also, I think the main problem is that the IRC and this place are now kind of disjointed for some reason. Could just be me.
>> No. 109966
>>109897
Fantastically useful, even if my brain creaks at the idea of yet another full editing sweep of the entire story.

One thing I must ask however:

The "growled the unicorn" bit... is that allowed?

Originally my story used ", said Character." at the end of dialogue, but one of my first reviewers told me I had to use ",Character said." for some reason, and that I had to remain consistent.

I never liked doing this, as the former just felt more natural to me, but I swallowed my disappointment and started writing the way he told me to anyway.

But your example just broke the consistency rule. Perchance, does this mean I was fed some incorrect information, or that I'm NOT shackled to this awkward manner of writing dialogue?
>> No. 109968
>>109966
That might be me, since I remember telling writers to change if they wish and your fic was one of those which I vaguely remember looking over.

I have seen plenty of acclaimed fics that do both, so you're actually not shackled to this convention. I'll now say it is a matter of personal preference and writing style.
>> No. 109970
I'm in no way invested in this conversation between a few quick glances back and forth as I finished up some last-minute reading before bed, but this seemed worth chiming in for.

"Text," said Character.

and

"Text," he said.

Both are fine to use within the same story, and you can see examples of it in published literature. I just pulled up Terry Pratchett's Guards! Guards! for instance. Be consistent with your style, and if you decide to break from it for some reason, have a very clear purpose in mind for doing so.

Re: "growled the unicorn"

This is dangerous territory. If the unicorn has not been given a name yet, and if a gender-specific pronoun might confuse the reader with another character in the scene, then okay. "growled" is a grey area, and one that I'd rather see fixed by the tone of the dialogue rather than having to tell us directly, but sometimes it can't be helped.

Of course, I'm not a reviewer, so this is just coaching from the peanut gallery.
>> No. 109972
>>109970
>Of course, I'm not a reviewer, so this is just coaching from the peanut gallery.
At the end of it, we all are coaching from the peanut gallery. :P
>> No. 109976
>>109949

The mechanical and style is great to have reviewed. I realized that I took previous LUS advice the wrong way, but yea, I need to go back and see where I can play with pronouns when the intent is clear to avoid repeating the same 6-odd names. But I didn't realize how many "-ing" type phrases I had in that as well so that's something to double check too.

I will go back to review some of the characterizations. I see what you mean on some of the slightly exaggrated parts, but I think with some changes and a few added lines that can work out. (For example, on the meek Fluttershy aspect, if I put in dialog way near the front, Twilight explaining on the dangers to living creatures, that would help a lot.) Knowing that the general story is just fine is good as I know I can now play with the dialog in certain scenes more to tighten that up.

I do have friends that will probably not have a problem re-reviewing to help improve the style and the finer points once I've dealt with more of the mechanical stuff on my end.
>> No. 109978
File 134158102579.jpg - (5.96KB , 145x203 , 130220682329.jpg )
109978
>mffw when my fucking less-than-3k one-shot written in an hour stirs up so much bloody trouble.

Holy shit Training Grounds. I am so sorry. Any further discussion on this thing not from the reviewer, please take it out of TTG. Start your own thread if you feel it’s that big of an issue, or take it to my own.

Um, I’m going to address the actual review first, I suppose.

>>109918
Umbra, thanks much for taking a once-over with this little piece.

Now here’s the thing; I really wasn’t shooting for anything of great note or groundbreakingly ZOMG original with this… I mean, it’s shipping and slice of life ffs. I got fucking pissed at a section of Divergence this morning and this just popped into my head. In any case, I’ve a question about your pros/cons list. Maybe I’m misreading, but “cute concept” pro, seems kind of at odds with “cliche subject” con. Could you expound on that a little?

>dialogue over narration makes for a much richer experience
Of course, you’re 100% on this.
Your recommendation in transitioning some of the information from exposition in the onset to dialogue in the cafe is solid. The *only* qualm I’d have against the restructuring would be the concern that a meandering conversation would take away from the impact of Sweetie’s emotional duress. Hmm. Maybe during their walk to the cafe, and I can Scoots do the info dropping while having Sweetie pre-occupied… what do ya think of that?

>implication rather than direct revelation.
*Excellent* suggestion, thank you so much for that.

>Mary Sue feel from your Sweetie Belle.
Yeah, I like Sweetie Belle, and wanted to have her grow into a strong character. I mean, if I’d had Celestia take her on as a second apprentice while seducing Luna on the side, then I could see that pushing the line, but I don’t really think her having a marefriend and being taken under the wing (so to speak) of one of her sister’s best friends pushes the envelope too badly. Regardless, thanks for bringing that to my attn.

>Has magic hooves that carry her to her favorite café without command
What? Don’t we all have that?

>“She caught me masturbating.”
>This is borderline clop if I’ve ever seen it.
Frankly, you should have seen the first draft. Way hotter.

>I think this story is well below EqD quality,
Okay, ouch, and… I dunno mate. It’s not meant to achieve more than it does with the tags it carries. I *know* what it takes to write a pathos-driven, immersive thing, and this ain’t it. I fail to see how this fails to meet quality levels of a one-shot slice o life piece. I mean, I respect your opinion in the matter, but 4 PR’s looked at this before I brought it to PC, and I can say with total boy-scout hand-on-the-bible honesty that we are FAR more brutal with each other’s work than we are with the average submission.

>and certainly outside their content restrictions.
Nope. It’s on the line.

Anyhow, again, thank you for the review mate. You’ve given me some excellent insight and things to think about for improving this little piece, and I’m very grateful for your time and earnest opinions. Cheers.

>>109936
I’m sorry you didn’t care for it anon.
>It also feels like an unnatural rewrite to Rarity's personality
But Rarity is worst pone.

>>109937
I’m sorry you feel that way anon.

>>109940
>This shouldn't have gotten a post in EqD
>the story isn't up to standards you so are so fond to call upon when people wonder why their stories were rejected.
You’re going to have to qualify the shit out of that serious charge sir. You have a number of options here, but TTG isn’t really the place for it, so I’ll ask you on this threads behalf to choose another battleground for your opinions.

So far in the dissent corner we have some crying double standards, sub-fimfic par quality writing (wtf, srsly), and content concerns. Honestly, this entire thing feels ridiculously overblown for a 3k one-shot I wrote up in an hour. Geez.

>>109959
Sparky, is that really you??
>> No. 109981
>>109978

Sorry, not Sparky.
>> No. 109983
File 134158977564.png - (87.77KB , 400x400 , THE BEST THING ABOUT SPACE.png )
109983
>> No. 109985
>>109978
Alright, last thing I'll say on this, as there are about 3 anon's chiming in.

I wanted an opportunity to state an opinion without risking any goodwill there may be between Seattle_Lite and me, so I chose to stay anonymous. I am, in fact, a successful writer and reviewer, so Nick's argument of "prove you can write before criticizing" doesn't hold water. Even if I wasn't, I'm a reader, and that's exactly whose opinion matters. I share Umbra's opinion, but didn't see Nick yelling at him.

Finally, Seattle_Lite, let me be very careful in separating what I liked and what I didn't. There were a few mechanical issues, but no more than usual for a piece of this length. I, for one, am always leery of redefining a well-established personality from canon without justifying it. Rarity's a bit of an oddity—very concerned with her public image whilst also being generous and (usually) selfless. Her rather callous attitude here and seeming lack of concern for how her actions reflect on her would both seem to be at odds with that. Which is fine. But connect the dots for me. Show me how she got that way, or was that way all along and had kept it hidden. This also deals with more mature content than I want to read, and while I certainly might put that line in a different place than the next person, it is more than I would expect to see here, on EqD, or on FiMFiction (without going through the door in the back with the beaded curtain, of course). To be sure, such things are written, and can be written well. They're just not for me. And I got blindsided by it, as there were no tags or warnings that such things were in there.

Now, the good. It is quite well-written. With Umbra's show v. tell advice in mind, it still was engaging and got me immersed in SB's predicament. I said as much before. And though it makes this part look rather short, that's really all there is to it, and that's the majority of what makes a successful story. I can see the writing ability in there, and never argued that the piece was somehow below EqD's quality standards. There's just some low-hanging fruit that could make it considerably better, and it's outside my comfort zone without warning me that it would be.
>> No. 109990
>>109978

You're certainly welcome. Honestly, incorporating the changes we agreed upon will make a significant difference. In any case, congratulations on being approved!
>> No. 110027
>>109034

Okay, I'll be doing this chapter by chapter so as to highlight specific issues in each one. Let's dive into this, shall we? Remember, if I don't praise you, that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy your story. I almost never praise authors, since that's not the point of a review. But now I'm rambling. Let's get to the issues...

1) Poor phrase and sentence structure

Some of your phrasing is so awkward that I burst out laughing and almost got kicked out of Starbucks. I'll give you an example so you know what to look for.

>"...Ditzy Doo, who delivered mail to Fluttershy and also often would run errands in town for the yellow-coated pegasus."

Now, in meme form, here's what I gathered. I figure you meant to say this:

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pzwc0/

But what it actually came across as was this:

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pzwc8/

Sure, I got the point of what you were saying, but the way you said it caused me to stumble. Whenever writing, remember the key to a good story is flow. Literature needs to be a completely uninterrupted experience, and awkward phrasing jolts you out of the narrative.

2) Italics

You used a lot of italics in this story. Italics aren't necessarily a problem, but they get irritating when overused. The point of italicizing a word is to place emphasis on that part of the sentence the same way we would use inflection when speaking. Italic words should be few and far between, in my opinion.

However, I feel compelled to note that this is a stylistic opinion, not hard fact. If you really want/need to keep the italics, I don't think it would be catastrophic.

3) Misunderstanding of canon

You made a lot of canon-based mistakes through the story. Just to name a few...

1) Ditzy as the Element of Kindness
2) Luna as the princess in control when the Elements were first used
3) Who the hell is Princess Corona?
4) Trixie as a respected magician and magical teacher

Now, my first guess is that this is all part of the "alternate universe" aspect of the story. If not, however, you've seriously contradicted canon. If that's the case, however, I have no idea why you found it necessary to set this story in an alternate universe. Why does Ditzy need to be the element of kindness for the story to work? Sure, it may come out later in the story, but when a reader sees that, it's going to jolt them out of the story, just like your phrasing. Either you need to give an explanation of why this is in an alternate universe early on, or change those portions to be consistent with canon. As of right now, it just bothered me; it didn't add anything.

4) The song at the beginning

This is sort of a nitpick, but it really got under my skin. Unless music or poetry serves as an integral part of a story, it's unnecessary and cliche, for that matter. Unless this serves as a crucial part of the story, I'd cut it entirely.

5) Miscellaneous

a) Word repetition

You use Dinky's full name a bunch of times in the opening sequence, and that started to grate on my nerves after the first few times. You also use the phrase "the filly" numerous times, which strikes me as a minor case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Saying "the filly" once or twice is fine, but when it becomes constant, it becomes plain annoying.

b) Incorrect spacing after ellipses

When an ellipsis (i.e., "...") appears in the middle of a sentence, there should be a space after it. Observe:

"Man, RainbowDoubleDash is abusing ellipses like Chris Brown abused Rihanna... I just don't know what to do."

You used it in the following way, which is incorrect:

"Man, I wonder what kind of crack that guy is smoking over there...think he'd tell me?"

Make sure to place a space after the ellipsis when another word follows.

c) "he said" and "she said"

>Ditzy Doo blinked a few times at that. “Dinky, you’re never a bother,” she said.

Since you've already specific that Ditzy is performing the action in this paragraph, the "she said" is unnecessary. You have a lot of situations where you can drop the "she said" entirely.

d) General grammatical errors

These were small issues. The following is obviously not from your story, but you had an error like this (which I'm now completely unable to locate):

"What in the world am I going to do?" he thrust a fist through the gelatin. "How can Jello eat someone, anyway?"

See that "he" up there? That should be capitalized, since it followed a period. When an action attribution follows a period, it's distinct from the spoken sentence. When it follows a period, they happen simultaneously. In this case, you would want "he" to be capitalized.

Those are the glaring issues; if I brought up everything, I'd be here all day. I'll move on to the next chapter in a bit.
>> No. 110033
Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but the queue is reaching critical mass and needs to be nuked. I'll do my best to have these finished by the end of the weekend, as I have most of tomorrow and Sunday free.

>>109457

>>109632

>>109838

>>109684
>> No. 110060
File 134162000623.png - (239.90KB , 700x700 , Bon Bon132175728842.png )
110060
>>109912
This sounds like something I can handle so, claiming.
>> No. 110070
>>109684

Review completed in-doc. As always, contact me at [email protected] if you have further questions.
>> No. 110074
By: Timid Wolf

Synopsis: For years, Cash Money and his sire Old Money have owned and operated the Silver Saddle Pawn Shop, the only pawn and loan store in Ponyville. Together with Cash's colt Big Hoss and new hire Derpy Hooves, they buy and sell things of every variety from all over Equestria as well as issue pawn loans to ponies in need. As Cash says before every show, you never know what is going to walk through that door...

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/32500/Ponyville-Pawn-Stars

Hey guys, I haven't been around in awhile but I wanted to share this series I started writing a few months back. As you could gather from the title, it's a mashup of MLP:FiM and the popular History Channel TV show. I'm a big fan of both, and this whole thing basically got started from me thinking one day, "Suppose there's a pawn shop hidden in
Ponyville somewhere. What kind of business goes on there?" I've received many positive reviews on this, and I'm looking for some additional support as I tweak it up for
submitting to EQD. Check it out and feel free to leave any comments, questions, critiques or anything else. I got my strike one email a couple days back so I'm devoting my
writing time to fixing what the pre-reader NW said I had to change before I write any new episodes. Thanks!
>> No. 110075
>>109632

Review completed in-doc. However, before you spend time reading all my comments, my immediate advice is to bin this draft and start from scratch. You have a wonderful idea; it's just poorly executed, and I would hate to see it go to waste.
>> No. 110089
Title: From The Shoulders of Giants
Author: Za Raapini
Tags: Adventure, Human
Synopsis: DARPA, the Pentagon's team of mad scientists, have cooked up something interesting. A portal to another dimension? Why? Better question- why not? Somehow sensing a military application from this, generals from around the world cobble together a task force to go investigate this new land and mark sites for later exploitation. Backed up by the fury of the world's modern military forces, they launch their operation into this strange realm. When they discover a bright, happy universe full of talking ponies, they realize the folly of what their mission is. How will Equestria react to people whose confessed profession is being expert fighters? Matter of fact, how will Equestria react to PEOPLE?
Link to Story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/32525/From-the-Shoulders-of-Giants
Requesting that all eight chapters (28,100 words) be reviewed.

Additional comments: EqD said the jargon was confusing, and the actions taken by both sides both did not make sense and were unexplained.
>> No. 110090
Title: The League
Author: Za Raapini
Tags: Comedy, Random
Synopsis: Ponies playing basketball? In a professional league? On Draft Day Slam Dunk sees his dreams being crushed right in front of him, and he ends up saddled on the laughingstock of the league- The Los Pegasus Kickers. Gritting his teeth against a perceived injustice, he will try to do everything he can to show Equestria he doesn't belong on a team that dwells in the basement year after year.
Link to Story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/34509/The-League
Requesting that both chapters be reviewed.

Additional Comments: EqD said the grammar was derped up, and that the characters were flat and generally uninteresting.
>> No. 110101
>>110090
I suppose it's about time I gave back to TTG. I'll take this. I can't say exactly when I'll be done with it, but it'll be soon.
>> No. 110107
>>110027
My God typing on this forum is like watching a race between a sloth and a snail...

...Okay, NotePad. Acknowledging review. Thanks for it! I'll be going over it in detail in a few moments and making corrections/changes/etc., but there's one thing I want to get out of the way first:

- Why Alernate universe?
As mention in its FiMFiction description, it's part of the Lunaverse that I created.
This:
http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=760
Is the Lunaverse. It started with "Boast Busted" and "Longest Night, Longest Day," but I opened it up to be written in by any author who wants. Sort of like Fallout: Equestria, I guess. Currently, we have 10 authors (including me) and 21 stories either complete or in-progress, with about a half-dozen more planned on our message board.

I'm very proud of it.

This is also the reason for the song: it's there because "Family Matters" is an episode of the Lunaverse; Episode 3, specifically, at the moment (it may be bumped up if we decide we want more winter stories). It's a common trait for everything in the Lunaverse: since they're all basically episodes, they're all structured to have an opening singer, followed by the song that we co-developed, then move on to the actual show.

Properly speaking, I actually have the Lunaverse up on EqD already and could have submitted "Family Matters" as an update to it (alongside "Boast Busted" and "LNLD"). However, the main characters and tone of "Family Matters" are completely different from my previous two works, so I'm trying to get it submitted as its own distinct thing. Having said that, it should be, or at least the goal is to make it like, an episode of FiM: that is, even if you haven't seen the first episode, the episode should still be enjoyable. Thus I do make note of a number of things which someone who's read "LNLD" would find redundant, such as a brief recap on the Corona thing, etc. For the most part, though, it doesn't matter much except to know that it's an AU, but barely.

...one more thing.

>See that "he" up there? That should be capitalized, since it followed a period. When an action attribution follows a period, it's distinct from the spoken sentence. When it follows a period, they happen simultaneously. In this case, you would want "he" to be capitalized.

There is some conflict on that, apparently. I previously used to only write like that. Then I came here with a story entitled "Time of the Black Sun" for review and got chewed out for doing that, because apparently quotations don't actually count as part of a sentance. Or something.

I dunno, English isn't so much a language as an opinion.
>> No. 110118
File 134167702038.png - (689.32KB , 500x1070 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-but-pinkie-can-have-all-of-it.png )
110118
>>108413
This is the part of the proceedings when, after a day or two, I recollect what's left of your story in my memory and come up with a list of overall impressions.

Line-by-line done in doc. I've read all of the replies you've made to my comments; whatever's left over is me saying "Fair enough, it's your call". Those were stream-by-consciousness things that did not enjoy as much mental processing as what you're about to read here, and I'm glad that you didn't accept all of them wholesale, even if they were my honest thoughts running at the time. I do hope that you'll consider my rationale for saying what I said, though. The following is, as usual, personal opinion, with all the reliability and unreliability that that brings.

Overall, I thought it was okay. That may be because there wasn't much plot to criticize in 940 words; I'd like to see your first chapter if you'd take me on at least that far, because part of me is thinking that the prologue would be better off integrated into your first chapter. A 940-word prologue, at any rate, doesn't feel strong, and that in turn can be interpreted as weakness.

The way you punctuate speech:
>A deep, silken chocolate resonated within the tomb-like chamber, “Greetings. First, I would be grateful for the return of what’s mine.”
with a comma before the dialogue irked me greatly, and after some thought and a bit of fiddling with the Internet, I know why. The reason [for me being irked] is because [I reckon] it's wrong. Commas before dialogue are fine if the word preceding the comma is a speaking verb: "said", "murmured", "shouted" etc., and wrong otherwise. If not wrong, at the very least, it's conventionally uncommon, and I know this for sure because I flipped through a few books on hand Arthur C. Clarke's "The Last Theorem", "Lolita", Agatha Christie's "Lord Edgeware Dies" and P.G. Wodehouse's "Very Good, Jeeves" if anyone's curious, screening for dialogue with commas before them, and all instances had a speaking verb preceding the comma (and those instances, aside from nestled dialogue, were not that many at all). This is, of course, a completely unfounded statement based only on the pattern I noticed when I was looking for examples on the subject. Roger, and any other reviewer with some good, solid grammar rule-book quotes on hand, if you see this, would you mind popping in and correcting me if I'm wrong?

A stylistic suggestion would be to use a much tighter 3rd-person limited perspective. It's great for presenting sensory details that score major points in "Show, don't tell", as well as feelings of confusion and uncertainty. Moments like these are what draws your reader in, makes them feel and continue on, and that's definitely a good thing to have, right? I have a faint suspicion, though, that the Diamond Dogs are and have been expended as minor characters, and the effort put in to keep the reader attached to them i.e Spot would be a bit of a waste. Again, I don't know enough about this to say for sure... which would then bring our focus to the bad guy.

Glowing red eyes, lives underground, owns a precious jewel thing that, somehow, he lost - something that was embedded in previously un-excavated rock, and separated away from him by one previously-solid rock wall. That's a medal in losing things if there ever was any, really. Tongue-tentacles with enough strength to pull back huge, hulking Diamond Dogs with ease, and a so far indeterminate form, and some sort of mind-altering ability. I haven't seen enough of him to say for sure, but I wonder whether he'll turn out to be a Villain Sue.

...and that's pretty much it. I'd like to see at least Chapter 1 because I need a bigger picture to get a feel for the plot and characters, and hence give you hopefully helpful feedback, but I'm okay if you'd rather have a different pair of eyes instead.
>> No. 110152
>>109838

Review completed in-doc. Glaring issues were characterization, telling and grammar. I recommend a gut and overhaul before any submissions to EqD, assuming that's your goal.
>> No. 110153
>>109457

I'd like to review this in Google Documents rather than FimFiction, so as soon as you give me permission to access the document, I'll start your review.
>> No. 110154
>>110152
No, I don't think so. I have yet to read a story I like on EQD, so their audience is very different. I don't believe my stuff will ever be what they are looking for. That would turn writing from something that is fun to something that is a chore. This review was just what I needed to know that. Thanks for your time. I've just briefly scanned through the notes you left, but I'll go in and really read them a little later today. Sorry it wasn't your cup of tea.
>> No. 110156
The Training Grounds is like a Hydra. You knock a few of the stories down, and there are just as many to replace them. I guess I'll take another. Still waiting on access to the document for Epiphany. Assuming I get access today, the review will be finished tomorrow evening.

>>110107

Note: I'm not through with you just yet. I intend to review all six chapters; I just wanted to do it chapter by chapter so you could address issues as they come. Also, if I reviewed 24,000 words of the same story in a row, my head would explode. So I'm punctuating pieces of your reviews with one shots. Sound fair?
>> No. 110186
>>110070

>Went through the review.
... huh.

Well first thank you for taking the time to review this. Especially since it is obvious you didn't enjoy it. You made valid points and frankly I'm embarrassed you had to read that.

I will add however that the overall tone of your comments was and is very damaging to the rewrite process. I felt the need to defend the writing rather than correct it. I suggest that in future reviews that you stick to a more neutral tone and leave the personal opinion to the final comment.

In summary: You were very helpful, but it made me wanna kick your ass.
>> No. 110198
File 134170644660.jpg - (81.47KB , 1000x834 , thumbs_up_luna.jpg )
110198
>>109379
We shall claim this fan-fiction, as this author is know to us. We endeavour to read it tomorrow, but, alas, royal affairs may delay us.
>> No. 110201
>>110186

>It made me want to kick your ass.

The English language has a wonderful word to describe you in this situation: unteachable. The fact that you posted in this thread means you believe your work is not up to par, or could do with improvement. In either case, I stand by my review style. Dancing around issues is never going to improve your writing. From the OP:

"Writers: the reviewers love to read, but will often lean towards being critical."

If you ask for critique, be prepared to accept the results. Furthermore...

>I felt the need to defend the writing

There's your problem right there: blame shifting. You're blaming the fact that you're defensive on my review style rather than accepting that you might be defensive because I'm finding legitimate errors in your story. If you disagree with my critique, then disagree and move on.

Considering you're on your last strike with EqD, I would have expected a more receptive attitude. Instead, you not only disagreed, but felt the need spent time telling me you disagreed with at least half of my comments. When you come to a review thread, request a review, and then complain about the contents of said review, it certainly doesn't reflect well on your desire to improve your story.

This is the nature of /fic, and writing in general, gentlemen. I do not compromise; I will always give my full, unbridled opinion in a review, and I assure you that the pre-readers will do the same. I've in fact dealt out much worse reviews in the past (as have Vimbert, and in fact many of the Ponychan reviewers). To use a worn out cliche: if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.
>> No. 110204
>>109179
I've gotten Professor Hugbox to take a look at and review my fic, The RED Cataclysm for me, and subsequently would like it removed from the queue.
>> No. 110207
File 134170930964.png - (45.89KB , 519x519 , Yay.png )
110207
>>110198

Wow, I posted my Shadowlurker image instead of this one just a second ago. Huzzah for me. Anyway...

>pic

Also, I know you?
>> No. 110212
>>110201

I am simply stating how the review made me feel. You found legitimate errors, which i have acknowledged. You even found things 5 other reviewers didn't even touch.
You also gave sound advice. However, in order to find said advice i had to dig through several unnecessary comments pertaining to your personal opinion.
What i simply suggested was that you save your personal opinion to the final comment and leave the comments about mechanical suggestions free of it.
Writers would be more receptive to review if the suggestions were more neutral in tone.
>> No. 110214
>>110118
I thank you for your time and effort and I appreciated your honest debate. You were more than willing to note if I might have had a point or not while still sharing your reasonable opinions and suggestions.

Now here’s where I’ll try to again counter some things, so take them as you will:

1: Speech arrangement.

Well, I don’t know what to tell you about this. I thought it read just fine. I wanted to create some variety in the way the sentences read, to avoid being too repetitive, and I didn’t think this would be so much of a problem. Whether it’s proper or not, I guess I’d leave to people who really know better than I do, but I personally thought this would be acceptable.

2: Style.

I guess I don’t really know about this one, either.

The style I chose actually is sort of a limited third-person. We don’t really “read” anyone’s mind except for some select characters, and even then to a very small extent. This was done to help make everything a little more vague and interesting. We don’t know the antagonist’s plans or history until later in the story, and I wanted to avoid just going the route of a bad cartoon villain and having him outright announce his plans while twirling a long mustache right in the first act.

3: Villain.

I pray, pray, pray[i/] this isn’t the case. I had no greater fear, and worked the hardest at preventing, exactly this. I created his backstory in my head again and again and again, trying to think up good reasons for why the story takes the directions it does while making sure everything was a consequence of past actions. There might be some points where that could be thought though and I’m really terrified that that is what people might assume. I’ve put as many layers in him as I could even think of right now.

*****

That’s all I have to say about those.

Now, if you really want to look at more, I’d be flattered to give you however many chapters you’d feel comfortable with reading, if that’s something you’re interested in (you’ll be the first to actually [i]request
to go further, so insert a squee here if you like), but there’s something I’d warn you about:

Everything (or most everything) is explained sometime. I tried to make sure that everything has a point, avoiding extraneous and unnecessary stuff as much as possible (I cut out an entire sub-plot for this story, just to try and avoid that Villain Sue. It also trimmed this down by about five thousand words, so there’s a nice bonus).

However, because this series deals with the consequences of actions, the best stuff is supposed to come much, much later. I guess the problem is that those later chapters were where I lavished the most attention and thought, having so many plans for the future, but I paid a little less attention to the beginning. Some details are given, I at least tried to make sure some of the biggest complaints would be laid to rest here, but some aren’t explored until later episodes.

Some of the things in here are leaping points for those episodes too. This was my interpretation of what I thought would make a very interesting final season to the show. Everything’s connected in some way, a spider web of action and reaction. I’m trying to pull out the stops, answer some rarely thought on questions, and otherwise make this the grand finale to end all grand finales.

Well, that was a lot to read through for the below answer. You have my apologies.

Here’s Chapter One if you actually want it, I guess: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15yn7ueXwOa6hjMTUDpUyGjH5YjxkvrJ2HRuKNBNktvc/edit
>> No. 110223
>>107638

I was going to get to this today, but then Mass Effect 3 happened. I'll get it to you by tomorrow afternoon at the earliest, Monday night at the latest.
>> No. 110228
Cheezesauce has completed his review of my work, and then some. Please take it off the queue.
>> No. 110242
File 134172189535.jpg - (32.14KB , 550x350 , puhleeze_luna.jpg )
110242
>>110207
Alas, no. Thou art known to the Training Grounds, citizen, and have found favour with us.
>> No. 110251
Title: Blessed Ones
[Adventure]

Synopsis: After the defeat of Queen Chrysalis, Shinning Armor's barrier spell has been duplicated across Equestria. But a decade of peace was not meant to last, as forces long forgotten begin to stir once more, and bring with them things that should remain buried.

Chapter one: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EK_3f5JvOUYdLyIDsF6qsSSoT_JGzH7IhOd3Zk2hq3E/edit
>> No. 110261
File 134173005862.png - (293.57KB , 850x705 , 135961 - crossover edit fluttershy humanized konata_izumi Lucky_Star rainbow_dash tsukasa_hiirag.png )
110261
>>110214
How much I'll read depends on two things: 1) how much time I have to spare, and 2) how interesting your story is to me. If I stop, it's not you, it's me. Also, university. Just so we're clear, heh.

>RE: Speech arrangement.
I read those as an overarching grammatical problem. It does horrible things to immersion. Again, the final call is yours, but it'd make things a lot easier if you went with the traditional method. People have developed reading styles to fit established convention. For example, "he said/she said" tags are almost invisible to the point that you can get away with using much more of those than "he shouted/he [verb that is not said]. There exists a flow to go with and it helps, y'know?

>RE: Style
If you read more than one character's mind, that isn't strictly limited 3rd any more, and if you don't go in deeper, you lose the bonus opportunity to entwine your reader with that select character that 3rd limited brings. It's like 3rd omniscient dabbling in favourites, the way I see it.

The reason I pointed this out though could have to do with my own style - usually, what I suggest comes from what I do. As to how effective this is over other styles, well, I'm hoping to see when Demetrius brings a review my most serious work on 15/7, but what have you.

>Villain.
>I pray, pray, pray this isn’t the case. I had no greater fear, and worked the hardest at preventing, exactly this. I created his backstory in my head again and again and again, trying to think up good reasons for why the story takes the directions it does while making sure everything was a consequence of past actions. There might be some points where that could be thought though and I’m really terrified that that is what people might assume. I’ve put as many layers in him as I could even think of right now.
I'm somewhat jaded when it comes to glowing red eyes and anything more powerful than Twilight Sparkle-level magic, despite using both (and getting away with it, too!). We'll see how it goes.

>RE: Everything else
That sounds like something I'm doing myself. Really, I'm here to tell you whether it's interesting enough or not, among other things, and enjoying it is more of a bonus than an objective, though there are a few who I've worked with that I grew to like. Again, we'll see how it goes.
>> No. 110301
>>110261
However far you get is great by me. You'll do what you can.

It'd be nice if you're the first to finish and judge the whole story, but if you read the first chapter you'll have already gone further than anyone else so far.

So, thank you for that. It's always appreciated when someone wants to look at more.
>> No. 110338
File 134177329645.png - (2.17MB , 1600x1235 , Lyra113589 - artist midori-no-ink harp Lyra.png )
110338
>Equestrian Century Alicorn Gundam by Alexander-Crossover
If you still want me to review this, then I'd like to have the most current draft.

>Beyond The Everfree by Aquillo
The doc is starting to lag every time I make a comment, so I'm taking a break 'til you resolve some of them.
>> No. 110342
>>110338
OK, but I'm still working on it. I should have finished my revisions by tonight or tomorrow.

I'll email you when I finish
>> No. 110350
>>107638

Erggg... comma pain. This might take some time.
>> No. 110354
>>107638

I've completed my read-through, and I'm working on the review now. I provided some in-doc commentary, but the bulk of my review will be an overall judgement. Right off the bat, your most significant issues revolve around a lack of commas, the entire scene involving Discord, and the issue of shifting perspectives. Review will be completed soon.
>> No. 110363
>>107638

Review completed, launched, exploded... take your pick. Full review here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/11QJcrsALms9L8vL0GLih3CAtTqDd8BuAvuLi40_wt2Q/edit

Overall, you have a good concept, but poor grammar. This is good, as grammar is typically an easy fix. In bocco al lupo.
>> No. 110375
>>110156

Oh cool someone finally taking a look at my fic.
>> No. 110385
[Grimdark] (sort of)

When Kite, a young pegasus from Cloudsdale, finally earns his cutie mark, he finds that it isn't quite what he had in mind. Claiming he's been given the wrong one, a pair of ponies show up and offer to take him to a place where he can have the mark changed.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xLSRxITLwRnOBz3KyoKu0ERxNXDXH8aP2B_o-cN4lN4/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GqtfVxhnGa6CUkuSwV5n0W6ZHeGqNCScB58vCSwjmEI/edit

Grammar probably needs some work. Also previous reviewer reckoned that both chapters needed some trimming. That's been done quite a bit but see if any more is needed.

I'm also claiming: >>109247 aka Pinkie Pie's phenomenal ponytech party.
>> No. 110391
File 134178851103.png - (67.17KB , 304x304 , Crazy.png )
110391
>pic

Confound this thread... it drives me to review too much fanfiction. Dammit, I need a drink.

Oh, I finally got a tripcode! Go me.

For ease of reviewing, I pasted your story into my own Google Document. Comments can be found here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14BgLivXgYToPXyV89W7oJ6-sJYMJWaGZ_2GleWhGol8/edit?pli=1

My overall opinion: a standard MacinShy shipfic, but with atrocious grammar.

I commented on almost the entire story, but I stopped toward the end for the sake of my own sanity. Your major issues revolve around:

1) Ellipsis...spacing...and...overuse...yeah
2) Lack of commas or, misplaced commas
3) Fluttershy's characterization
4) Not usin apostrophes when you truncated words ending in "ing"
5) Telling
6) Pacing (to put it delicately, this story was like getting a cheetah ride to the Normandy while it's going through a Mass Relay jump to get to a NASCAR race)
7) Constant Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

Yup, I think that's about it. Technically speaking, this story needs quite a lot of work.

In bocco al lupo.
>> No. 110393
>>110385

Dammit, I wanted that fic. Well, I suppose I'll claim yours, then.
>> No. 110413
>>110363

Thanks for the review it had been more helpful than any other I have received on any of my other fics.
>> No. 110429
>>110212
Hey, Dinky! Can I read your fic?
>> No. 110478
>>107385 >>108367 >>108685 >>108715
Alright, I left a lot of comments in chapters 2 and 3 as well in the document, and discussions in GDocs chat preempts the need to rehash everything here, so I'll be brief.

There were a few persistent mechanical problems throughout, including end-of-dialogue punctuation and capitalization, than/then confusion, comma usage, using multiple nominative absolutes in a sentence and using them to bring in information irrelevant to the rest of the sentence, and problems with Applejack's accent. Some of these problems were intermittent, and a few did improve as you took the initiative to sweep ahead in your chapters before I got to them, but you didn't catch them all yourself.

Story-wise, I found the characters to be well-defined and behaving as the canon personalities could be expected to do, except in some small detailed instances I'd noted.

It's worth always keeping show-vs-tell in mind as you sweep back through. Look for places where emotions are explicitly stated, particularly as <emotion>-ly adverbs or in/with <emotion> prepositional phrases. Decide how important that instance is. You need to show when emotions run high, in scenes critical to the plot, or when a character's emotional reaction, even in an unimportant scene, sets up a plot point.

Chapter 1 reads well, and the humor is quite good. Chapter 2 did seem to drag on a bit, but it also ended on a solid joke, so the reader's last impression is still positive. Then chapter 3 takes a more serious turn. It was still interesting reading; in fact, I preferred it to chapter 2, but the ending left something to be desired. It should either leave the reader in suspense, eager to see what happens next, or wrap up a significant plot point, giving the reader a sense of completion so he can look forward to the start of something new. You aimed somewhere in the middle, and it came out weak.

I will do a quick (and I mean quick) sweep for any lingering mechanical issues that I missed before or that were introduced during editing, since that was your overwhelming concern. You're welcome to put it back through and get another pair of eyes on it. Since you absolutely have to make sure it's good this time around, it might not be a bad idea, but if you're certain that mechanics were the only problem the PR's had with it, then it should be quite clean now. It's also up to you how many chapters to include in the initial submission. Chapter 1 is the strongest, and holding back more chapters for later will tend to increase your traffic. Your call.

For my part, I feel that this is a story that deserves to be on EqD, and I've enjoyed helping you with it. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 110492
File 134180726053.png - (907.66KB , 2500x1391 , canterlot_palace_spires_at_night_by_ze_sammich-d4rgpft.png )
110492
Tags: [Adventure], [Normal]

Synopsis: A mysterious figure steals into Canterlot Castle in the dead of night, setting a chain of events in motion that will affect not just the Mane Six, but will ultimately decide the doom of all of Equestria.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GzC2RjQcKYF8NjAvSFayZLJEoBDMhE_qalJLo9CUi6g/edit

As I’m only submitting the prologue, this one will be pretty short. I’m just testing the waters at this point, looking for any and all feedback concerning my writing. I do have a long narrative planned out, but I’d like to know what I can improve before continuing.

I’d also like to claim >> 108273, as it struck my interest.
>> No. 110495
>>107081

Sorry for taking so long, I wanted to be thorough. I could bore you with excuses, but meh. Anyhoo, have a review! This is Dublio and this is part 1 of the review for Boredom is Contagious.

It's getting really hard to add comments now. Gdocs tends to screw up when you put too many comments and it lags to death whenever I make a new one, at least ten seconds. Tried to point out as much as I could before that happened though.

20k words long and you need a line by line, eh? I can do that, but it may take a while depending on how fast you resolve the comments. So what I'm going to do is move through the story, add comments, and wait for someone to fix them before I hit the next section. Hopefully this post will do a good enough job of explaining the errors so you know not to make them next time. I'm aware that the story was written by six authors though, so I'm sure each section varies by a tremendous amount. Just by looking through this fic, I see that it's going to take a lot of work, but that's why I'm here, right?

Since this story was written by six different writers, it's hard to know who did what, so I'll just present a basic explanation for the errors that were pointed out. Right now, I'm going through the fic line by line, which is taking an extremely long time since it's 20k words long. Because of that, it might take awhile, so I hope that the following information I provide will tide you over enough until I can finish the line by line. Once I do finish it, I shall provide a follow-up post. So this part right here is not the entire review. It's just that your fic is so much that it will require multiple posts to explain everything that is wrong with it.

For starters, I have absolutely no idea what you want to do with your synopsis. It doesn't really seem that interesting to me. You might want to try and get someone to take a look at that. Also, for the tags, it's impossible to put both Normal as well as Comedy/Random, so remove that tag. I would just say Random or Comedy, or both, but not all three.

Now I know this fic was done by six different authors, but if you want to submit it, you have to find the separate scenes consistent with each other. All of the names must be exactly the same, the names of the places, the emdashes, and everything else. If you did your job right, a reader shouldn't be able to tell that it was written by six different authors. Unless of course, you don't plan on this fic getting very far besides being an experiment.

Alright, let's start with the systemic errors I've found in the first three sections (four if you count that scene break + Fluttershy event but that's not really a scene).

The most glaring problem is the LUS that's still there as well as problems with commas. Your dialogue punctuation is also way-off. You have commas where periods should go and vice-versa, and a lot of it is missing from your story. There are awkward-sounding sentences, high-level words that don't seem to fit the story, a lot of passive voice, massive amounts of telling and lack of body language. I'm not entirely sure what's happening most of the time as you've left me with a blank slate. Remove the dialogue and all I get are a list of vague actions happening in space. Sometimes you merge dialogue and narrative together and instead of being seamless, it sounds clunky. Also, your story is cluttered with a ton of "began to" and "started to" verbs, which gets rather annoying. You also have pacing issues which happen cause you clump a lot of actions together.

You know, it's kind of a misnomer to say "systemic errors" if it was written by six authors. Oh well. I'm going to bet and say that six authors wrote different sections and put them together because it doesn't look like everyone looked over the same section. Because if you did, then you need better editors because it was missing way more punctuation (or misusing it) than it should have.

Let's try to address each of these issues.

"Systemic Errors"

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome(LUS):

You have a lot of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in your story. What's that? Well, here's a copypaste as to what Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) is.

Definition:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

<End quote>

In your case, I think that you don't have enough pronouns in your writing. If you find your writing cluttered with too many names, then rearrange your sentence or switch the pronouns. Keep in mind the reason for dialogue attribution tags. If your dialogue is good enough, you should be able to tell which character is talking, thus removing the need for them in the first place. Using constant LUS might get a bit confusing.

Anyhoo, here are two links that can explain better than me.

http://eznwords.tumblr.com/post/21010451863/ellyewess
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mind-your-language/2010/jun/02/my-synonym-hell-mind-your-language

Comma Problems:

You were missing some commas in your sentences, which led to some confusing sentences. Commas are annoying to learn for writing but once you learn how to use them, they get easier. There were a few times where commas were missing. I marked them in gdocs. Here are two links that will help you with your comma issues.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

Passive Voice:

Adding this to your occasionally awkward sentences and higher level words that don't quite match kinda detract from your story a lot. There are times when they're appropriate, however. Have another link.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/active-voice-versus-passive-voice.aspx

Lack of body language:

This means that I can't see the characters are doing. I already can't see what they're thinking and it feels like I'm more in a void. I want to see their reactions. I want to see what makes you think they're angry, sad, annoyed, etc instead of having you just tell me what their emotions are. That's boring and unengaging.

Telling Issues:

Showing means indirectly telling your readers about something that's happening. Telling is more direct and less confusing, but readers don't often being like told things. Most of the time, it's better to show, especially during sad stories when you want to engage the reader and make them care about your characters but it isn't a bad thing. Basically what you need to know about showing vs telling is that telling is generally boring, especially when you have a lot of it, and showing is much more interesting for the reader, and that showing involves giving the readers enough details to allow them to make a picture in their mind without filling in everything for them. In particular, showing is absolutely necessary when you are trying to make the reader feel emotions or care for/about your characters.Now in your story, you do almost no showing.

That isn't to say that telling isn't important. There are a few times where telling is preferred over showing. However, you have to know when you're using it. Since telling isn't interesting, you have to use it sparingly. Here is a helpful resource that tells the opposite of what everyone normally says. This article is called "Tell, not Show." No, the title isn't backwards. It's an interesting article, give it a look see.

http://www.coffeehouseforwriters.com/fictionfix/0505Grossack.html

As per my obligation, for another example of showing, not telling, then refer to Ezn's Guide. I recommend reading the entire thing, not just the part of Show, Don't Tell, but that's up to you.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit

CartoonGeld (A fellow reviewer) also provides a valuable resource on the matter. Click on the below link and it will lead to a list of examples of what showing and telling is.

>>89502

A lot of adverbs also add to telling, but I can't determine whether or not you overuse them just yet.

Miscellaneous Notes:

Sound effects are normally discouraged in narration and should be described rather than imitated, if possible.

Be careful of "began to" verbs. Sometimes it's better just to go with direct actions instead as it makes the writing more engaging and less passive.

Ellipses have spaces after them.

These are em-dashes.



Replace all of your -- with the above.

When characters say each other's names, make sure their nicknames sound like what they would actually say. I can't imagine Apple Bloom calling Applejack "AJ" for instance.

You have to stay consistent through the story. You can't say "Applebloom" and "Apple Bloom" in the same story. Change all of them to one or the other.

Use pronouns to avoid repetition of names. Don't use descriptions to describe characters. The constant pulling out of your story keeps your readers unengaged.

Also, stop treating the reader like they're stupid. They can't figure stuff out for themselves, so there's no need to repeat obvious things to them like "they stood on four hooves" or anything else I pointed out in the comments.

Some of the words don't quite match the common meaning, which makes me wonder if you ran around and grabbed a random Sweetie Belle and looked up words.

Random thought from side character out of nowhere. Remove it, it's so jarring.

The canon spelling is "Sugarcube Corner."

>Random paragraph telling about the encounter of the CMCs and Fluttershy

I think this was a placeholder paragraph, so I left it alone. If it isn't, you should either flesh it out or cut it completely. It's an important event, so don't skim over it. Unless Fluttershy isn't really important, then it should be cut.

Final Notes

This review is not over obviously, since I've only looked at the three sections. I wanted to go further but Gdocs wouldn't let me. Resolve the comments I've currently put on the doc so I can continue. When you do, I'll keep going. Once I finish with the entire document, I'll type up a final review. Or more continuations, should I need to. I'm always happy to help. :3

@Maintainers - Don't move the review as it's not done yet.
>> No. 110506
>>110495
Thank you for what you've done so far. And I'll be putting in some of those edits, so expect a slew of 'Resolved' messages. Not too quickly, though, since I'm having the same Google Docs problems you are. (No I don't want to kill those pages, you ridiculous hunk of silicon, I am trying to edit them! Just LOAD!) Then again, the active riffs in MST3K are often worse.

A couple of minor points:

"trump of doom", as it turns out, is from Milton:
Yet first, to those chained in sleep,
The wakeful trump of doom must thunder through the deep,

It's referring to the chorus of trumpets announcing the Last Judgement. (And yes, it is hyperbole.)

The bit about Scootaloo 'scooting': I was trying to reference that thing Sweetie Belle was doing in "Sisterhooves Social" when she was alone in the Boutique--that thing where she had her head and front legs pressed against the rug and was moving herself forward with just her back legs while complaining about how bored she was. I will admit it's clumsy. (The first part was mine.) Is there a better word for it?

More as I get through the edits without my machine locking up...
>> No. 110507
>>110506

>"trump of doom", as it turns out, is from Milton:
Yet first, to those chained in sleep,
The wakeful trump of doom must thunder through the deep,

It's referring to the chorus of trumpets announcing the Last Judgement. (And yes, it is hyperbole.)

Ah, that makes more sense then.

>The bit about Scootaloo 'scooting': I was trying to reference that thing Sweetie Belle was doing in "Sisterhooves Social" when she was alone in the Boutique--that thing where she had her head and front legs pressed against the rug and was moving herself forward with just her back legs while complaining about how bored she was.

Oh. Whoops, I had completely misinterpreted that. :o

>I will admit it's clumsy. (The first part was mine.) Is there a better word for it?

I'm not really sure how to describe it myself. =(
>> No. 110512
File 134181297028.jpg - (38.21KB , 640x364 , go_on_luna.jpg )
110512
>>109379 >>110198
We have left a number of comments in the document, citizen, but it is by no means an exhaustive list.

We wish to peruse and enjoyable fan-fiction, not provide a proofreading service, so we have marked the first instance of an error and left it to thee to sweep for the rest. The main ones are:
- misspelling Braeburn
- using y'all as a singular
- hyphen/em dash use
- some missing objects for transitive verbs

Thy writing style is rather enjoyable. We have noted a few specific instances where thou needest to do less telling, but they are not the only ones. Thou dost it correctly enough of the time that we trust thee to root out the last few bastions of resistance.

Plot-wise, we did see a few problems, but, rest assured, thou hast not incited our righteous fury.

The origin of Big Macintosh's trademark "eeyup" yet lacketh something. He and Autumn hath serendipitously arrived at the same word, but we cannot tell how. Hath neither ever uttered it before? We require more of a back story to its inception than "it coalesced from the very aether."

'Twould also be more engaging had thou included Applejack's reaction to the whole scenario as well. We were surprised to find that she hath known Big Macintosh's secret as well, since she hath appeared quite oblivious to Apple Bloom's enquiries. Allow her to appear evasive or affected by it, and thou wouldst increase the mystery and emotional investment.

We appreciate the atypical inversion of the usual "Applejack is actually Apple Bloom's mother" cliche. So thou earnest points there.

We fail to understand why this information hath been kept from Apple Bloom in the first place, beside some vague assertion that she "wasn't ready for it." We cannot fathom what head-canon differences may exist between Equestria and Earth, but plenty of children deal with such information perfectly well. What is Apple Bloom's alternative? If she thinketh that she shareth parents with Big Macintosh and Applejack, then doth she not still think that her parents are gone, or doth thy head-canon just have them as absentees? Apple Bloom also accepteth the shocking news quite readily.


Overall, we have found thy story to be reasonably entertaining. We are not wrathful, but neither are we quivering in a pool of our own tears. Thou hast a good basis for a story here, and the biggest cure for what ails it would seem to be spending more of you labour in elaborating on these plot problems that vex us so, as 'twould make for a much more complete and engaging read. Good start; thou art well on thy way.

Final mood: guarded approval.

Ply thy art further, writer!
>> No. 110532
File 134182977376.png - (271.57KB , 960x1046 , Ghostwriter.png )
110532
Title: Scribes Are Weird.

Genre: Adventure, Slice Of Life.

Synopsis: Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, though he has doubts about his own skills. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to transcribe the events involving the Elements of Harmony, Ghost sees it as a chance for a fresh start. But when Ghost arrives, he has no idea what exploits the Elements of Harmony are always up to.

Word count: Chapter 1:5933
Chapter 2:6985

Link: Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UpZW6xgNXngypna5JiPGgp1dHBzZPHKmUogPrGCPu_0/edit

Notes (PLEASE READ THIS SECTION): Just a few things. Yes, the idea has been done so much, you wanna take it out back and shoot it. No, this is not a self-insert.(You probably won't believe me, but it's not. I made my Oc's name before I came to Ponychan and decided to use it as my name. While, yes, I do tend to put a small aspect of my own personality into a character to make it a little easier to write, Ghostwriter is only based on my own insecurity as a writer. The rest of him is original.) Spike is not a scribe, at least not in the way that I'm using the word. The definition of a scribe is: a person who writes books or documents by hand as a profession and helps the city keep track of its records. You may have already known this, but I've already had to explain this to two people... It gives me a bad feeling... So Seattle had me run this thing through the ringer. I'm confident I got 92.3% of the wrinkles out. As for the other 6.7%, I would appreciate them being spotted so that I may ERADICATE THEM FROM EXISTENCE!... Sorry. Anyway if someone wants to take a look at both chapters, well... go ahead.

Small note: I have chapter one in Golden Visions thread and I'm trying to get Minjask to review chapter 2.
>> No. 110537
>>110385

Fantastic, thank you ^^
>> No. 110539
>>110393

lol, I wouldn't say no if you wanted to read the thing regardless X3;
>> No. 110544
>>110090
Well, that's that then! I've gone ahead and done the full review in GDocs.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ClXymf-4IGN7T2eaS8aRqfnYOx2BiARdhsB6qEEYCJ4/edit
Tell me if you have any questions!
>> No. 110545
Hope I did this right... not familiar with these kinds of sites.

[Title] Fate Game

[Tags] Adventure, Dark, Sad, Romance, Human, Alternate Universe
[Synopsis/Intro]
In the deep of night a mysterious shock wave awakes the sleeping residents of Equestria. Little do they know, the roaring thunderclap signifies the start of an event that will shake their world to it's very core... the first human.

Soon after a second human arrives, landing just outside the country's borders. Equipped with a dark smile and a vicious personality, the second visitor sets out for his counterpart. His objective? Initiate the Fate Game. A twisted contest involving the two human "players" with Equestria set as the chessboard.

Our hero will have to find a way to survive and protect Ponyville amidst the chaos, but how will he stop the rival Player's madness when he doesn't even know his objective!

[Review Request] I would 'appreciate' full review of all six chapters, but I understand that is asking a lot all at once. My request is that the first three short chapters are given a fair shot, but if anyone is compelled to keep reading and review it all go for it.

[Link] http://www.fimfiction.net/story/36991/Fate-Game
>> No. 110547
>>110544
Whoo. That was quite a bit to go through. Looks like I'll be in the lab, with a pen and a pad this week. Appreciate the work man. You definitely went hard in the paint.
>> No. 110548
>>109679
This was absolutely hilarious! I enjoyed it so much! The story was blended together pretty well in my opinion, and I couldn't wait for the next page! I had so much fun reading it, that I may have to read it again. I like how you incorporated Super Mario Galaxy into the first two episodes of Friendship is magic. Wait for a reviewer to go through your story and edit, but from me, I say it was a pretty good story.
>> No. 110556
>>110512

Alrighty then, thanks for your commentary. I'll get to work on that ASAP!
>> No. 110560
File 134186057449.jpg - (87.43KB , 333x480 , enraged_luna.jpg )
110560
>>109379 >>110198 >>110512
We apologize for our oversight, author, but a weather pony left a cloud obscuring the wonderful meteor shower we had planned for last night, leaving us considerably distracted. The guilty party would surely find itself on the BUSINESS END OF OUR HOOF IF WE FOUND OUT WHO—

*Ahem*

Please pardon us, as we are still a bit out of sorts over the matter.

We neglected to make one additional point that we had intended.

The romantic interest proceedeth far too quickly. No sooner are the happy couple introduced than they are making "googly eyes" (as we believe the newfangled expression goes) and then engaging in... um... public kissing. Tee hee! We apologize to the casual passerby that may have witnessed that phrase; we do not mean to titillate. On the contrary, it is clearly the fault of the author who hath perpetrated the act in the first place! Blamest thou not me! In any case, we find ourselves then quickly whisked off to matrimony.

A rushed romance is an inauthentic romance. Wouldst thou introduce an original character and proceed to dump expository information en masse about her? Preferably, thou wouldst reveal the character subtly and gradually through her actions and speech, and how she relateth to other characters. Thus, we get to know her as we would a live pony, making her seem more real and forging a connexion with her. So shouldst thou treat an original romance. A romance differs not from a character; it should be developed with the same care. Thou art galloping when thou shouldst be walking at a comfortable pace.
>> No. 110566
>>110548
Thanks. I hope after all the rewrites it is better.
>> No. 110567
>>110566
I bet it will be, good luck with your story edits and revisions!
>> No. 110577
>>109805 >>109807
Found someone else to look over my story, so withdrawing my desire to have my fanfic reviewed. Thanks to all of you anons who gave me their advice!
>> No. 110603
This is for whomever claimed my story The Challenges of Love--Part One: Rarity's Tale. I've been working with an editor and bouncing new ideas off of him, and it has gone through a reboot. It is basically the same story but has slightly different to moderately different events. It was originally posted here: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/103159.html#103791 It is no longer a 7 chapter story. It is now a fresh, brand new 1 chapter story that is rebuilding itself from the ground up. Should I resubmit on the form or leave it as is?
>> No. 110605