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110790 No. 110790
#Reviewer #The Training Grounds
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>> No. 110792
Unclaimed: 13
Reviews awaiting acknowledgment: 17
Reviews In Progress: 17

Reviews in Progress
Chromosome: reviewing From The Stars by TheTwentySecond (>>104188) submitted 05/27/2012
Pascoite: reviewing Beyond the Dreamer's Veil by Lilli (>>104262) submitted 05/28/2012
Still Waters: reviewing Friendship is Aura by KangTheSpartan (>>104728) submitted 05/31/2012
Grif: reviewing Ideas Live On by Dromer (>>106740) submitted 06/14/2012
Pascoite: reviewing Silence is Bittersweet by Truehearted (>>106942) submitted 06/15/2012
Johnfreemanwepon: reviewing In Flame by SteelEagle (>>107639) submitted 06/18/2012
Dublio: reviewing The Road To Ponyville by GlueFactory (>>107841) submitted 06/21/2012
Dublio: reviewing To Endure by Shamus_Aran (>>108303) submitted 06/23/2012
Filler: reviewing Schism by melknin (>>108342) submitted 06/23/2012
AidanMaxwell: reviewing Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is by SpilledInk (>>108668) submitted 06/26/2012
Belligerent Sock: reviewing Pride of Magic, Earth and Sky by Shader (>>108273) submitted 06/27/2012
Aquillo: reviewing In Character by Grayshift (>>108802) submitted 06/28/2012
Dublio: reviewing All the Stars in the Sky by Lynked (>>108810) submitted 06/28/2012
Kirdus: reviewing Pinkie Pie's Phenomenal Ponytech Party by Still Waters (>>109247) submitted 07/01/2012
AzuNyan: reviewing Equestrian Century Alicorn Gundam by Alexander-Crossover (>>109567) submitted 07/03/2012
AzuNyan: reviewing Beyond The Everfree by Aquillo (>>109912) submitted 07/05/2012
Umbra: reviewing Flying a Kite by Kirdus (>>110385) submitted 07/08/2012

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment
Anomalous by benxlabs (>>103682) submitted 05/23/2012 ❖ Reviewed by CartoonGeld on 06/25/2012 (>>108469)
There is a Season by ArdanBlade (>>104023) submitted 05/26/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 06/20/2012 (>>107915)
Beyond Her Tomb by 2K Chrome (>>104330) submitted 05/28/2012 ❖ Reviewed by AzuNyan on 06/29/2012 (>>108987)
Super Mario Galaxy: Equestian Stars by warpd (>>104557) submitted 06/01/2012 ❖ Reviewed by CyborgSamurai on 06/20/2012 (>>107960)
Life without you by Pinkamina_daine_pie (>>105028) submitted 06/02/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 06/21/2012 (>>108054)
Neigh Hard: Neigh Harder by DicePony (>>105512) submitted 06/05/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 07/01/2012 (>>109241)
Those That Bear Mana by Hollyfern (>>106089) submitted 06/09/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Writer's Block on 06/12/2012 (>>106366)
Pinkamena: The Dark Descent by Wolokai (>>106197) submitted 06/10/2012 ❖ Reviewed by soundslikeponies on 07/04/2012 (>>109628)
Three of Me by Killjoy (>>106494) submitted 06/12/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Bipolar Luna on 06/23/2012 (>>108283)
The Dicordian's Daughter by MZero (>>107360) submitted 06/17/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Conchshellthegeek7 on 06/20/2012 (>>107929)
Friendship Ends by BristleWings (>>107705) submitted 06/18/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Pascoite on 06/22/2012 (>>108159)
The Reach by Gearbox (>>108446) submitted 06/26/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Writer's Block on 07/04/2012 (>>109651)
The Eighth Color of the Rainbow by Ponyman (>>109016) submitted 06/30/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Dublio on 07/04/2012 (>>109663)
Epiphany by Yourmainbrony (>>109457) submitted 07/03/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Umbra on 07/08/2012 (>>110391)
The bachelor party by Pinkamina_daine_pie (>>109632) submitted 07/04/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Umbra on 07/06/2012 (>>110075)
Out of Fashion by xjuggernaughtx (>>109838) submitted 07/05/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Umbra on 07/07/2012 (>>110152)
Blessed Ones by Hollyfern (>>110251) submitted 07/07/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Conchshellthegeek7 on 07/10/2012 (>>110719)
>> No. 110795
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I'll take it my idea for a squidward themed thread didn't make the cut
>> No. 110797
We need this.
>> No. 110800
I forgot about it, but had I remembered, I wouldn't have run with it because that is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen good god why do you do this it's burned into my eyes god help christ why no well thank you SLP I didn't plan on sleeping tonight anyways
>> No. 110818
I might as well submit this, as I have mostly-finished and will be going out of town on the 18th of this month (June). I know one of my weaknesses is getting the characters to stay in-character all of the time.
This is a oneshot, and it is my second attempt at a fanfiction. I have lightly reviewed it, but I believe there may still be some lapses in both diction and logic (such as redundancies or missing pieces of information) as I wrote this slowly over a long period of time, and occasionally went back and changed parts of the story as I had new ideas or new canon material was introduced, such as Twilight's brother.

The link will have a version able to be commented on, so feel free to use that function as needed.
>> No. 110841
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Due to severe and inexplicable lack of interest in my review thread and that fact that it's taking forever for Hugbox's thread to die so I can start a new one with him, I've decided to make my triumphant return to the training grounds. Your fic is short. Let's help each other out
>> No. 110846
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You actually had something good going for a second. Despite some awkwardly worded sentences here and there and quite a bit of telling, I could follow this story. But there's one teensy flaw in that kills it for me. You portrayed the royal guard as evil. No seriously, the hospital staff fearing for their lives sorta smacks me out of the experience. Its not even that they did anything wrong! They literally just witnessed the birth of an alicorn. Unless your setting up an mass equestrian cover up involving the birth of alicorns Now that I think about it that does sound like a cool idea for a fic then why do they fear for their lives. It's not even an off handed panicked remark, every doctor seems to think they're gonna die for no reason whatsoever. And here I thought the changelings would be the villain, but nope, royal guard. Sighs* and you were actually doing pretty good for all intensive purposes. Will review more tomorrow.
>> No. 110849
Just ignore Scribes are Weird, please. I have some work to do on it.
>> No. 110858
Still combing over >>107081.

I played this in the background while reading it.


Anyhoo, part two for that review is almost complete and will be posted later today.


As for the other three fics I claimed, I apologize for the wait. Next time, I won't claim multiple fics at once. I really thought I could have finished them all quickly but when they all want line by lines and are a bit long, it takes longer than I thought. x.x It's my fault, and I'm deeply sorry. But I'm sure you don't want to hear my excuses. I understand if you want to get reviewed by someone else.

Anyway, all three of the other stories are on fimfiction, so I copied them and put them into Gdocs for line by line editing since that's what the review is needed for. Since Gdocs is slow when you add too many comments, I might have to split your stories into parts since they're a bit longer. Gdocs tends to freeze for me when I go past 5k for whatever reason.

Anyway, I wanted to post this to let you all know that I was still alive. For what it's worth, I really enjoyed reading them, it's just that they have a bunch of grammar derps here and there that need fixin'.
>> No. 110863
This is part 2 of the review for Book One of Boredom is Contagious. After resolving some of the comments on Gdocs, it has stopped freezing up for several seconds. I'm glad I wasn't the only one experiencing experiencing the freeze every time I did something, but I'm not crazy. I swear! Anyhoo, here's the first part of the review.

Part 1 Review: >>110495

I think I marked most of the things already in Gdocs concerning punctuation, but keep aware of the "began to" verb thing as well as the telling. As for pacing, I agree with the pre-reader. The beginning is a bit boring and uninteresting, which may cause people to leave the fic just as quickly. I suppose that was the entire point with the whole CMC "I'm so bored!" thing though. It's normally a bad idea to begin a story boring since it's supposed to catch your readers though. Yea, your story gets better later but many people have short attention spans.

>It was a fine autumn Saturday in Ponyville, and yet it should have been heralded by a trump of doom, because the Cutie Mark Crusaders were bored.

I understand your rationalization for doing this now that you've told me why you did it, but this intro could be better. It starts with a weather report and most people will not get the sentence and just go wtf.

In my opinion, I think the entire first scene is entirely unneeded. Yea, the CMC are bored but it doesn't really tell us anything besides that. You might not like me for saying this, but I feel like the first three scenes seem unneeded and the story should actually start with the CMC automatically arriving at Sugarcube Corner, considering you just skipped (condensed into a telly paragraph) Fluttershy's part. That's unfortunately the bad part of being in a collab. Since different writers wrote different parts, you have to wonder if each part is even necessary, which may lead to cutting parts.

I also kinda didn't like the scene of the emergency meeting because it seems so different from the rest of the text in such a jarring way. It sounded like it was trying to be funny, but then wasn't. The randomly all-capped words was also kinda weird. I assumed it had to do with movie titles, because it didn't stand out in any other way. They normally want you to use those as rarely as possible and instead just use italics.

I think you should look at which point of view you want to focus on. Consider this. In the first few scenes, the point of view tells about the characters, but doesn't allow us to hear their inner thoughts (Except for the one random time Rainbow had a thought and Scootaloo was a mind reader). All of a sudden, one of the later scenes has Scootaloo's thoughts. Kinda weird. You can definitely tell this was written by different people, if you hadn't told us.

Once the CMC are infected, the chaos really gets underway and starts becoming hilarious. Yay for Rapmaster Apple Bloom. But the readers have to keep reading past the beginning parts which will end up turning off half the readers. As they say, it needs to pop, pop, pop.

Reading the rest of book one, it still feels a bit empty. There's dialogue and sometimes the occasional action, but still no body language as to how they feel besides the adverbs, which add to telling.

It looks like you took care of the onomatopoeia issue in Book One, because I don't see any asterisks in there. As for Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, I'm not sure if I've provided enough examples for what it looks like. You may have removed a lot of it, but a ton still remains. Some people don't mind LUS, so I guess it's up to you whether or not you want to kill EVERY instance or not. But I'll stop pointing it out. In my opinion, I think every part is removable unless there really is no way around it. Then you either use something that makes sense or reword the sentence.

Let's see. Quick summary of Book One of Boredom is Contagious. You have lots of LUS still there, a few missing punctuation here and there, a huge lack of body language as well as implied feelings, a massive amount of telling, and a introduction that's very slow but once you get past it, it quickly turns hilarious.

Let's see, there are three books so I'm apparently only one-third of the way there. No worries, we'll get there eventually. Now that the slow beginning is underway, it looks like things are going to get interesting. :o
>> No. 110878
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Hello! I take it this is the go-to place to submit a fanfiction to be reviewed?

I never use Chan boards and it gets so confusing..
>> No. 110881
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Ok I got to what you mentioned. I changed it around so while the nurses are panicked the head doctor realizes he has a responsibility to a new foal. I also omitted all mentions of the royal guard killing anypony (wow that does sound extreme now)

Hmm, you mentioned the conflicting action of Chrysalis. You covered the grubs, but do you think it was too extreme with the killing of the drone? I did it cause she and the rest of the hive were starving, but given what you said before I'm not sure if I should change it.

Word question.
"Mrs. Aria, just take deep breathes, okay?"
Is it breathes or breaths?

Thanks for the help again
>> No. 110882

>> No. 110883
This is one of many review threads on the site, and one of the more frequented I believe. Reviewers and readers come here from all over.

Submission info at top, under For writers
>> No. 110888
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This review will be fairly short, since I left most of my thoughts in the document.

You are a very good writer. Your writing had almost no notable mechanical issues (with the exception of dialogue/action tags, which I covered heavily in-doc), good pacing, and consistent characters. The story was engaging and interesting throughout, and you do a good job of drawing the reader in and leaving them wanting more.

That said, there were some things that could be improved. I pointed most out in the doc, so this will be more of a summary:
- The first section of the chapter has a lot of nearly-identical paragraphs, giving it a repetitive feel.
- Shining Armour and Cadence are in love. We get it. Don't hit us over the head with it.
- Systemic dialogue tagging errors.
- Minor grammatical/stylistic errors throughout.

Fix the errors I mentioned in the document and you should be good to go. This is an interesting concept and you have executed it well so far. Sorry that I couldn't offer much help; I honestly did not see all that much to help with.

If you'd like me to help with proofreading/editing further chapters, just shoot me an e-mail and I'll see what I can do. I'm interested in seeing where this story goes.
>> No. 110890
>> No. 110907
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Well, here I go then, submitting my fic.

Tags: Adventure, Dark, Crossover.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31075/Harmony%27s-End

Synopsis: This is the account of a Twilight Sparkle changed by a rotting world. This is the tale of a quest most horrific and of deeds most vile. This is what a unicorn had to do to save Equestria. This is how harmony died.

Comments and notes:

Contains mild gore and some sexual themes, be prepared for that.

The fic itself is a crossover / omage to an age-old video game, Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain. To the best of my knowledge this has not been done before, and as such I've decided to correct that. Throughout the fic I try to be faithful to the game's distinct feeling and narrative style. Note that I paid special attention so that the fic is perfectly clear and readable to someone who has never heard of the original game, since it is a rather obscure title. In fact, I'd love to see what someone who doesn't know where the story is headed tell me what they think.

While the fic is still ongoing, I'd like some feedback on what's already been posted, particularly the first four chapters: "Sunset", "Honesty", "Ever afraid" and "Woe to the conquered".
>> No. 110914
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Someone stole my moniker on FimFiction. On a list of things this situation is, "cool" is not present. If I ever find out who's responsible, there will be blood I'll send them a strongly worded letter.

Alright, that rant aside, my week of hell at work is winding down. I'm gong to do my best to have this review completed by midnight tonight. If that doesn't happen, it'll be finished on Saturday.
>> No. 110942
I'd like to take this one: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/106717.html#109450

It's titled Hunting the Black Daggers
>> No. 110947
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Read the whole thing and these are my thoughts. First you tell quite a bit. If there is one enemy that holds your fic back, it's the amount of telling. Besides that grammar needs to be improved. Oftentimes the tense of verbs is incorrect. Flow is also a bit clunky. It will divulge into straight up So and so did such and such then so and so did such and such. It gives a rushed feel to quite a bit of the fic. I will say this to your credit: this story does have quite a bit of purpose to it. Its just the little things that really hold it back. Revise, expand, and have fun and you'll have a very good story on your hands.
>> No. 110951
Ah I see. That's very helpful. Well, I've gone through and (hopefully) fixed the issues you highlight, but I know there's a lot more to look through and revise as well. Thankfully, I now know what needs to be done.

You mentioned grammar though. Were there any parts at which the dialogue tags didn't work. I heard the was an issue before.

Also, did I resolve the Royal guards killing ponies issues with the first chapter or do you think it still needs work?

Thanks for the review
>> No. 110952
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I'm fine with the revision though the fear element carries over into the second chapter as well. We're talking about a universally beloved deity here so the problem still sorta persists. Portray hesitance not fear. Dialogue tags weren't a noticeable flaw but this is coming from a guy who spent the past 11 hours working. Make sure all dialogue tags fit. If you doubt the use of a certain dialogue tag and fear its an action tag here's an easy cheat: Put the tag before the dialogue.
>> No. 110953
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I have never said this to anyone before ever, but I don't want you to change anything. This is probably the best thing I have ever read because it is so freaking fanficy. I would not want you to change that in the slightest because... it's just so glorious.

The second reason I don't want you to change anything is because it's not something you should continue writing or even attempt to work correct, unless you want to of course. The main reason for that is because it makes every single mistake that a fan fiction writer can ever make, which is why it's so fanficy, which is why it's so glorious. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, and please don't take it that way. I will explain in detail why and what you can do to improve, but this particular story isn't something you should continue for two main reasons: 1) It's been done a million times (I think that's a realistic figure too...) 2) Your main character is a Gary Stu.

Alright, so let's talk about what you can do to improve in the future. First, the Gary Stu thing. Your character is this guy who has no noticeable flaws. On top of that he can just walk into a group of bandits and kill their leader. He's basically superman. Google Mary Sue to learn more. In general you want to avoid these types of characters because they're kinda boring.

Show don't tell. This is something you do the opposite of a lot. It's when you literally tell me things in your story. I typically find that a lot of people make this mistake without needing to. For example, you have a bit of dialogue where some pony says, "...things are not as peaceful in Canterlot as they might seem." Well before you said that you established that these ponies were living in a sewer. I didn't need to be told this. It's just an example of being redundant.

On the other hand, you had a lot of little bits about the character that simply told me about the character or you told me about the story. For example, "It was true that he didn't have a plan and yes, and he had no idea where to go now. But he was a determined man, always had been, and he would get to the bottom of this mysterious place and perhaps the biggest question of all... what was he doing here?" This type of thing is really just explanation. You're telling me that he's a determined man, opposed to showing me that he's determined, and you're telling me that he wanted to get to the bottom of things, opposed to showing me that he wanted to get to the bottom of things.

To give you some examples of how you can show both of these... It's harder to show character traits. Typically you tell yourself "Okay he's a determined guy." Then when the opportunity comes to show this, then you do it. Maybe he fails at something, but he tries again. The reader should infer that he's determined. To show that he wants to get back home, just throw some dialogue in there. "I don't want to live in a world with pretty pink ponies!" he shouted. There. Now you know he wants to leave.

Characters. Your main character, aside from being a Gary Stu had a pretty clear desire. He wanted to go home. That's good. Characters should have wants. I think you should turn this into a need though. Maybe he needs to get back to his family. Now your character suddenly has a whole back story. He has a past life and stuff. That type of stuff is cool. If when he killed that hooded pony he was then ravaged by the knowledge that this pony had a family, one that would never see their daddy again - and suddenly he has a feeling like he can relate. Well now you have two characters with back stories, and those stories are working towards something.

Basically what I'm saying is that your characters needs a little bit more. Give them back stories aside from just desires. Give them needs. Also, give them more purpose. The whole black dagger thing is kinda lame. They're just a gang of poorly trained mercenaries.

Plot. One thing you did pretty well was to climax at the end. It might sound weird, but people don't always do that. However, your beginning was kinda slow. You had this character do all of the regular human in Equestria stuff, which is boring. If he woke up, screamed his brains out, then ran screaming under a bridge dressed completely in the nude... that'd have been way more interesting. The beginning was basically just: 1) guy wakes up 2) guy decides to go it alone in a world of ponies 3) guy decides that he's not cut out for that life and goes back to the hospital for a salad 4) guy gets kicked out of hospital 5) guy gets threatened at a show 6) guy winds up in sewer 7) guy finds pony who threatened him and kills their leader. Five and seven are kinda interesting, but one through four are kinda... unimportant. Sure, you could argue that you were building the character, but I didn't see it that way. The main thing you want to do right away in a story is to develop some conflict because conflict is like the sex of story telling. It sells. A lot of good books will hook you in from the very first sentence. You could probably start this fic with him getting kicked out of the hospital. You don't need to start at the beginning.

Your point of view was a little fuzzy, meaning that your narration changed perspectives. At random times you had insight into what other ponies were thinking, even though your main character was clearly... what's his name? In general you want to stick with one narrative mode, and you can google that if you don't know what it is, but for the most part you were in third person limited, which is good, but like I said you randomly broke that.

So in conclusion, this was really really fanficy. I think it's a master piece because it's a perfect example of what most people do wrong, and I feel that a little bit of a harsh thing to say. I don't want to get your spirits down. It takes time, and since (I think I read that) this was your first fan fic, it's completely understandable to make mistake like these. They're common. Just keep at it, but like I said, if you want to get onto EQD, then you'll need change the concept because I'm very certain that they will not accept a human in equestria story, especially one that goes over all of the regular stuff like "wow there are ponies who talk". It's been done a million times. So... welcome to fanfictions! we're a hard bunch to please... much harder than EQD really.
>> No. 110955
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Something came up and I won't be able to finish these fics like I promised. I could say all of the excuses in the world, but it wouldn't mean anything. I deeply apologize.

Go ahead and yell at me if you want. I deserve it.
>> No. 110964
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If something came up, something came up. It's not like you've kept them waiting for you for long, since you only claimed those yesterday. Have some Patchy and go do what you need to do. =)
>> No. 110975
>>110955 Well, it sucks, sure, but as was already said, if something came up, something came up. Best of luck with whatever it is, and thanks for the intention to review :)
>> No. 110976
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I feel ashamed to admit this, but I've been writing fiction for four or five years, fanfiction for about six months. I would almost link you to my other works, but it doesn't get much better I'm afraid.

I am not sure how to read your review, other than you are impressed with how poor it is.

I realise that humans in Equestria is a tired genre, after only two years of this fandom existing. On the other hand, I do not believe one should abandon a genre for just that reason alone. The same argument could be applied to any number of other genres. I will take your review to heart, delete most of the beginning and merge it with the second chapter.

I also disagree that Lars Leland is a Gary Stu. While his military training naturally gives him an edge, I just have to do the portraying better.

Show and tell is something I'm always struggling with, but your explanation is without a doubt the best I have had yet. I should be able to do something about it, now that I know what it means a bit better. Desire and need is something I will try to underscore better as well.

Plot and story are the two things I focus on chiefly, perhaps a little too much as the rest of the story suffers from poor writing skill. I've always said that my ideas would be better off with someone more talented than me, but they keep coming anyway. I don't think I could realistically just decide never to write any more. My head would implode.

I shall try to do something about the narration as well. I thought I had it under control, but there are still places that needs to be corrected I see.

None of my previous fanfics have been accepted on Eqd. If not for the mistakes you point out, then because they either have too many crossovers with Elder Scrolls (and I even made it with Oblivion) or because they suddenly don't accept copy/paste stories any longer (of which mine actually merged two different franchises without straining either.)

In conclusion, thank you for reading my story through and pointing out where I can improve. If you wish, I can keep the beta and upload the new version separately, once I'm done.
>> No. 110993

Just popping in to give a heads-up: I submitted my fic, Harmony's End, in the review thread of LunarShadow and Kurbz too just now. I'm just that greedy.

Nonetheless, my submission in this thread still stands and my fic is up for the taking. Hit me with all your love and tolerance.
>> No. 110995
Does that include the remaining books of Boredom is Contagious?
>> No. 111002
Hello there,

It’s been a long time since I did a thread update...

Caught a mistake? An update? Feel free to reply to this post. I will also start mailing the authors who haven’t seen their review yet (those who left their email of course).



Unclaimed: 14
Reviews awaiting acknowledgment: 20
Reviews In Progress: 14
Total reviews 904
Est. Total since founding: >1200 

Unclaimed Stories
06/17/2012 ❖ The Zodiac Ritual Chaps 8 & 9 by CyborgSamurai (>>107338)
06/21/2012 ❖ The Road To Ponyville by GlueFactory (>>107841)
06/23/2012 ❖ To Endure by Shamus_Aran (>>108303)
06/28/2012 ❖ All the Stars in the Sky by Lynked (>>108810)
07/03/2012 ❖ Nightdreams and Daymares by Mareinthemoon (>>98882)
07/03/2012 ❖ Neon Labyrinth by SoundofRainfall (>>109589)
07/04/2012 ❖ Super Mario Galaxy: Equestian Stars by warpd (>>109679)
07/05/2012 ❖ My Little Old Republic by AidanMaxwell (>>109810)
07/07/2012 ❖ From The Shoulders of Giants by Za Raapini (>>110089)
07/10/2012 ❖ Ponyville Pawn Stars by Timid Wolf (>>110074)
07/11/2012 ❖ Spike's Story by Quintus (>>110761)
07/11/2012 ❖ The Wanderer's Wife by Arbpw (>>110767)
07/11/2012 ❖ Nopony's Innocent by Eyeclops (>>110818)
07/12/2012 ❖ Harmony's End by JawJoe (>>110907)

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment
Anomalous by benxlabs (>>103682) submitted 05/23/2012 ❖ Reviewed by CartoonGeld on 06/25/2012 (>>108469)
There is a Season by ArdanBlade (>>104023) submitted 05/26/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 06/20/2012 (>>107915)
Beyond Her Tomb by 2K Chrome (>>104330) submitted 05/28/2012 ❖ Reviewed by AzuNyan on 06/29/2012 (>>108987)
Super Mario Galaxy: Equestian Stars by warpd (>>104557) submitted 06/01/2012 ❖ Reviewed by CyborgSamurai on 06/20/2012 (>>107960)
Life without you by Pinkamina_daine_pie (>>105028) submitted 06/02/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 06/21/2012 (>>108054)
Neigh Hard: Neigh Harder by DicePony (>>105512) submitted 06/05/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 07/01/2012 (>>109241)
Those That Bear Mana by Hollyfern (>>106089) submitted 06/09/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Writer's Block on 06/12/2012 (>>106366)
Pinkamena: The Dark Descent by Wolokai (>>106197) submitted 06/10/2012 ❖ Reviewed by soundslikeponies on 07/04/2012 (>>109628)
Three of Me by Killjoy (>>106494) submitted 06/12/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Bipolar Luna on 06/23/2012 (>>108283)
Boredom is Contagious by Anon13 (>>107081) submitted 06/15/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Dublio on 07/09/2012 (>>110863)
The Dicordian's Daughter by MZero (>>107360) submitted 06/17/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Conchshellthegeek7 on 06/20/2012 (>>107929)
Friendship Ends by BristleWings (>>107705) submitted 06/18/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Pascoite on 06/22/2012 (>>108159)
The Reach by Gearbox (>>108446) submitted 06/26/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Writer's Block on 07/04/2012 (>>109651)
The Eighth Color of the Rainbow by Ponyman (>>109016) submitted 06/30/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Dublio on 07/04/2012 (>>109663)
A Heavy Crown by Fullmetal Pony (>>109231) submitted 07/01/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Khakispony on 07/12/2012 (>>110947)
Epiphany by Yourmainbrony (>>109457) submitted 07/03/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Umbra on 07/08/2012 (>>110391)
The bachelor party by Pinkamina_daine_pie (>>109632) submitted 07/04/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Umbra on 07/06/2012 (>>110075)
Out of Fashion by xjuggernaughtx (>>109838) submitted 07/05/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Umbra on 07/07/2012 (>>110152)
Blessed Ones by Hollyfern (>>110251) submitted 07/07/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Conchshellthegeek7 on 07/10/2012 (>>110719)
Star-Crossed by Belligerent Sock (>>110492) submitted 07/08/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Blade on 07/12/2012 (>>110888)

Reviews in Progress
Chromosome: reviewing From The Stars by TheTwentySecond (>>104188) submitted 05/27/2012
Pascoite: reviewing Beyond the Dreamer's Veil by Lilli (>>104262) submitted 05/28/2012
Still Waters: reviewing Friendship is Aura by KangTheSpartan (>>104728) submitted 05/31/2012
Grif: reviewing Ideas Live On by Dromer (>>106740) submitted 06/14/2012
Pascoite: reviewing Silence is Bittersweet by Truehearted (>>106942) submitted 06/15/2012
Johnfreemanwepon: reviewing In Flame by SteelEagle (>>107639) submitted 06/18/2012
Filler: reviewing Schism by melknin (>>108342) submitted 06/23/2012
AidanMaxwell: reviewing Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is by SpilledInk (>>108668) submitted 06/26/2012
Belligerent Sock: reviewing Pride of Magic, Earth and Sky by Shader (>>108273) submitted 06/27/2012
Aquillo: reviewing In Character by Grayshift (>>108802) submitted 06/28/2012
Kirdus: reviewing Pinkie Pie's Phenomenal Ponytech Party by Still Waters (>>109247) submitted 07/01/2012
AzuNyan: reviewing Equestrian Century Alicorn Gundam by Alexander-Crossover (>>109567) submitted 07/03/2012
AzuNyan: reviewing Beyond The Everfree by Aquillo (>>109912) submitted 07/05/2012
Umbra: reviewing Flying a Kite by Kirdus (>>110385) submitted 07/08/2012
>> No. 111008

Yes. The point of reviewing was to point out your errors, which I have hopefully done with >>110863 and >>110495.

At first, I was fixing the mistakes myself since you gave me editing priviledges, but then I realized that you wouldn't learn if I kept doing that. But at least Book 1 should be good if you go and fix the aformentioned mistakes as well as taking a look at the reviews I have already posted. Those are systemic errors and are present through your whole fic, so learn to recognize them. Otherwise, I'd be an editor, not a reviewer, which takes a lot longer than I thought.

Still, hope the reviews help at least a little bit.
>> No. 111016
You know, I think this one's languished in the queue long enough. I'll take it.
>> No. 111017
Actually if my story is still in the queue, i just finished revisions so yeah. ignore my call to ignore.
>> No. 111020
I kid, I kid.

Well, this was interesting. I assume you've already heeded the advice of Pre-Reader Unimpressive and gotten somepony to proofread this, because I only noticed one of the issues Unimpressive brought up: the settings did feel neglected. In spite of that, though, I enjoyed the story greatly, and found myself thinking about its themes of immortality and loss by the end of it. I quite enjoyed Groundwire's character, and I found myself laughing quite a bit. In addition, I really got the sense that Groundwire and Celestia were in love, which is all you can ask for in a shipping fic. It's a good piece of work. I don't know what standards they have on Equestria Daily, but I enjoyed this. My advice would be to flesh out the settings a bit more, like Unimpressive suggested, and then resubmit. I don't like recommending that because I don't think I'm a very good reviewer and I'd hate to see a story miss out on a chance to get featured due to my incompetence, but... yeah, that's my advice. Take it or leave it, and keep writing!
>> No. 111022

Well, I coulda told ya that. What this author needs is someone to go through and line by line their story of grammar errors. I read through it too and thought the setting was a bit empty myself.

Since it's in Fimfiction, I had copied it from HTML and pasted it into GDocs. It sorta leaves extra spaces inbetween so you'd have to remove them, but it's easier that way so you can leave Gdocs comments.
>> No. 111024
File 134222787072.png - (145.76KB , 500x333 , fillytwilight.png )
Just posting this in here as an update of sorts.

First off, the links that are in the original post are broken due to Google Drive shenanigans. Here are the new ones:

Chapter 8: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c1oZ1p8n28K0kUHUYdr29PNqPIhFAuNrUJBN8cxnh34/edit
Chapter 9: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PWEbNsc_rrHizr8A9LmD_kRSmeODFrM2cB5viJp-JgY/edit

Second, the story's been renamed to 'The Powers of Harmony.'

Third, the story just got approved by EqD pre-readers and will be posted on the site in a few days.
Translation: It doesn't suck THAT much.

I understand that requesting feedback for the 8th and 9th chapters of a story is daunting, or at least, undesirable. However, I can at least promise that you're not walking into a shitstorm here.

Back to writing Chapter 13.
>> No. 111028
Fffffffffffffuck. Um... sorry about that. I'm an idiot.
Okay, lemme try that again...
>> No. 111032

Alright, here we go. Your significant issues are the following. Note: the following is a review of a [Dark] story, and I’m therefore going to suggest horrible things. You’ve been warned.

1) Pacing

This all happened a little too fast for my taste. I would have liked a little more buildup before Kite got his cutie mark. For example, when he’s first talking to Thunder about the fact that he enjoyed killing the parrot. That was an excellent plot point: the fact that he likes causing pain. In other words, it would have been good to see a more gradual buildup to that fact. Have him start off by non-violently tormenting creatures. Then, he graduates to physically torturing them. Most importantly, the parrot’s death shouldn’t be an accident; that needs to be deliberate.

See, as it stands, Kite’s problem isn’t really urgent enough to justify what’s going on. Kite’s mother literally hands him over to two complete strangers, all because he sort of enjoyed causing something pain. All of us have felt vindictive pleasure like that from time to time, but there needs to be a real, horrific reason for his mother to allow him to go God knows where to experience God knows what.

Furthermore, once Kite arrives at the facility, things need to progress more slowly. When he wakes up, have him gradually come to as his captors are discussing what to do with him, what his cutie mark should be, etc. For that matter, Thunder’s character development wasn’t really satisfactory, but I’ll get to that later.

Lastly, Kite gets introduced to Sunset, and next thing you know, he leaves her forever. I would spend a lot more time developing their relationship, as it will make the reality of them leaving one another so much more horrible. Remember, this is a [Dark] fic. The best horror-themed fiction establishes something good, clean and pure, and then tears it away from the reader. Sunset’s relationship with Kite has so much potential that I think you could easily spend two chapters there and still have more to do.

Really, your whole story is a bit rushed. That’s not to say the plot isn’t good, however. More on that later.

2) Character development

This will sort of tie in with what I mentioned above. First of all, I didn’t really like Thunder’s character. What makes good horror isn’t blunt statements; it’s understatement. For example, go read Filler’s Beyond the Wall. That is one of the most horrible and chilling stories ever. How? It doesn’t state anything directly; it’s all done in a very subtle and nonchalant manner.

That’s what I think Thunder should be like: nonchalant. He knows that Kite can’t hurt him; he knows Kite can’t escape. He knows he’s completely in control of the situation. Basically, he should be calm, cool and collected throughout the entire story. His threats against Kite should be offhand comments, even when he’s saying something horrific. For example, if Thunder is making a death threat, have him do so without anger. Basically, all of the terrible things that Thunder says should be stated as if he’s just talking about the weather. Chilling? Yes.

Sunset had some issues too. You have such a cool character here! The potential for one, anyway. She has a haunted past, and she regrets it horribly. All she wants is to take it back and have life return to normal, but she can’t because these sons of bitches have kept her imprisoned for years. She should be broken, jaded and hopeless, yet have the tiniest sliver of love remaining. Flush that character out; make her shine like I know she can! Sunset could potentially be one of the best OCs I’ve seen if you use her adequately.

I took issue with Kite’s mother as well. She seems to state things too strongly at time; in other words, she tells from time to time. A lot of what she says can be implied. Remember, horror in particular should be understated.

3) Tone

What makes a horror story terrifying? Is it the characters? The plot? No. It’s the tone. Everything in a dark piece of literature is meant to contribute to the overall tone of the story. For example, in Stephen King’s Carrie, almost nothing is stated directly. Sure, there are a couple of exaggerated blowouts, but the story is terrifying because of the tone he created with the characters, their dialogue, etc. Right now, the tone of your story isn’t dark enough. Think about it: we’re talking about a child being kidnapped from his mother and forced into an institution with the intent to turn him into one of them. Again, everything I mentioned above, and everything I mention after this is going to contribute to the tone of your story. It all needs to mesh together like a custom-made clock’s gears.

4) Dialogue

Ties in with character development; I felt like the dialogue was rather wooden at times. In other words, I didn’t feel like the phrases the characters were saying would actually be said in real life. Reading your story out loud can really help you figure out what sounds natural.

5) Grammar

I won’t say much here, since it was pretty good. You had some minor issues, which I’ll be more than happy to point out if you’d like me to.

6) Telling

I say this to most authors, but keep in mind that your telling issues weren’t nearly as severe. You only had a few instances of this, and overall, I think you did a pretty good job of it.

7) Flashbacks (or forwards, whatever you want to call them)

I would just cut these out entirely. They gave away the entire plot of the story in the beginnings of both chapters, and that was really off-putting. You can take the same information and put it in the actual scenes instead, and nothing would be lost.

If, however, you’re absolutely determined to keep the flashbacks, make them way vaguer. In the first one, don’t mention anything about a saw or about changing a cutie mark. Just make note of the fact that Kite is scared, and he’s somewhere unfamiliar. That should be open-ended enough to contribute to the mood of the story without giving away crucial plot points.

So here’s the final judgment, my friend. I loved your story. I hated the way it was executed, but I loved the story. That’s what really counts. See, if you’ve got a terrible plot with great grammar and character development, it’s not really that interesting. Moreover, it’s more difficult to change a plot than make alterations to the structure or tone of a story.

Seriously, this is a really cool concept. I wouldn’t have written such an extensive review if I didn’t believe this story had a lot of promise. Furthermore, I didn’t have to force myself to keep reading. That may not sound very impressive, but it doesn’t happen very often. You had my full attention from start to finish, and the only other story that managed to do that was White Box, and well…

So, that’s the skinny. Wonderful, wonderful idea that has a lot of promise. Rewrite the portions I mentioned, and I have no doubt that you’re going to get a lot of praise for this.
>> No. 111033
Title: I Forgot I Was There
Name: GaPJaxie
Email: Jtuxyan (At) gmail (dot) com
Tags: [Slice of Life][Comedy][Sad]

Synopsis:When Twilight receives one of the original journals of Starswirl the Bearded from Princess Luna, she can’t wait to try the spells inside it – but the books magic turns out to be a bit more then Twilight can handle, as her reckless experimentation leads to her accidentally bringing her reflection to life. At first, Twilight decides she quite likes the idea of having a copy around the library. But seeing herself from an outside perspective makes Twilight realize there are some parts of her personality she doesn’t care for, forcing her to confront her issues.

Written in the same format as the show, save that it is longer and addresses somewhat sadder themes. No objectionable content or OC characters, focuses heavily on the mane cast.


This story got two strikes for bad grammar, and so I am very eager not to see it get the third. After having two more reviewers go over it and making a long, careful edit myself, I want to have this story get one more independent look. I am looking for a straight up GO/NO-GO advisement on the grammar being perfect for EQD. Story advice is welcome as well, of course.
>> No. 111037
Aaaand we're back! You wanted a line-by-line review, and by God I'm gonna give you one!

What I've learned from this experience is that I am not a grammar pony. Turns out I was grossly wrong earlier. Those issues Unimpressive pointed out were still there. I pointed out as many as I could find in the comments. (I didn't find any awkward shifts into second person, though...) Hopefully, this is closer to what you actually wanted. I'm sorry I wasted your time, and I hope this makes up for it.
>> No. 111045
File 134223775868.png - (264.33KB , 800x800 , 96418 - applejack artist john_joseco rope tied_up twilight_sparkle.png )
> I've been writing fiction for four or five years, fanfiction for about six months.

D= Sorry! Let me say that you do have a certain writing style that is sort of professional. I could tell that you were well read. Part of me was wondering if this was just something that was meant to be super fanficy because when I read it I thought to myself, "My god this is ever fanfiction ever!" The only thing you could have done better was to ship your OC with Celestia or Twilight. I kind of assumed that was for chapter 2... I suggest you turn your OC into a pony first.

>I also disagree that Lars Leland is a Gary Stu

C'mon. He walked into a gang's hideout and killed the head bad guy even though he was totally out numbered. Then he disarmed the rest of them with a freaking speech. The only noticeable flaw was that he left the hospital and had no idea what to do. He's kinda dumb I guess... But his thoughts were really more of a reflection of the story, like you were trying to hit certain beats, but in reality your character should be a complete person. When confronted with something he should react how he should react. He seemed like this really cool guy under presser. Someone was threatening him for no reason what so ever, and his reaction was sort of calm and relax, but when the hooded guy ran off, he really really interested in hunting him down. A cool guy doesn't seem like he'd do that unless he had some other motive, and his motive for getting out of Equestria... well it's sort of implied that it's loosely related, but it wasn't really explained why he suddenly though that hunting down this black dagger pony was going to help him with that.

The character thing is probably your biggest weakness.

>I realise that humans in Equestria is a tired genre
You know what's boring about it? Everyone does the same thing. All of their characters go "OMG TALKING PONIES. THIS IS WEIRD". That was cheesy the first time it was written. For once I'd like to see someone skip that part of the story by simply saying "A week ago a human woke up in Equestria."

>Plot and story are the two things I focus on chiefly
I'll admit that I was drawn into your climax. That's why I mentioned it. That's actually pretty hard to do. A LOT of things fail right there. He was in the room and suddenly I was caught up in it, I asked "what's going to happen to him". Turns out he was a Gary Stu who walked out without so much as a scratch, but yeah. I thought your plot was pretty good. You've just got to do a better job aligning your character's motives with the plot. That way it's believable when he gets into this man hunt... pony hunt, but yeah. I thought it was definitely your best attribute.
>> No. 111046
File 134223823113.png - (7.59KB , 72x86 , Bumfriend.png )

I'd like to knock this one out, if you guys don't mind. I'll try to have it done as soon as I can.
>> No. 111126
As promised, I've done a quick sweep back through for any lingering mechanical issues, and have finished that.

A couple of additional things I'd like to say:

For whoever picks up this fic for review, the author's primary concern was grammar/punctuation, and I've absolutely put this fic through the wringer in that respect. There are still some intentional stylistic errors in there, but they should feel more or less natural. It's absolutely a good thing to have another set of eyes scan this over to make sure it's EqD-ready. Certainly point out any mechanical problems you think you've found, but from my perspective, I'd like someone to have my back in making sure any story/character issues have been caught.

The review request I claimed was only for chapters 1-3, but chapter 4 may be finished by now. If so, I haven't seen it.

GaPJaxie, I'd be happy to review any future chapters, including #4, if you care to request me. It's been nice working with you, and I enjoyed your story.
>> No. 111150
Ah, yes. Acknowledging the review of the first chunk of Boredom is Contagious.

Thanks for reading it through and showing us the error of our ways. Hopefully we'll be able to go through and address your comments in the next few days (I say "hopefully" because getting 6 authors coordinated is like herding cats...)

With any luck we'll have a better story soon.
>> No. 111207
"A week ago a human woke up in Equestria"
Now I know how the finished version shall start XD

But yeah, with all the things you have mentioned, I shall do my utmost to make this into a better story. EqD? Unlikely. Just a better story.
>> No. 111218
File 134226356268.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )
I'm not sure if Azynyan has recieved the new link to my story, jsut in case here it is

>> No. 111225


So, um, I did read the rules (I swear) but I forgot to come back here and tell you guys I also put this up in LunarShadow's thread. Sorry about that. I'd still like you to review it, thanks.
>> No. 111277
Thanks so much. I appreciate the help.

The reason for all of the hyphens instead of em dashes was the simple fact that my keyboard does not appear to have an em dash button.
>> No. 111294
Yeah, I got your email before.
>> No. 111329
File 134229587755.jpg - (123.96KB , 1200x1368 , Bon Bon132453209262.jpg )
The review's in the doc.

Your headcanon has a couple holes though:
What do ponies like Big Mac's mother believe happened to give them their children?

What's the point of creating anything, if nopony's going to remember that you made it when you die?

You don't have to answer these questions in the prologue though (and you probably shouldn't, it gives the reader a reason to read the next chapter.)
>> No. 111348
I can't make comments in the doc without it lagging, so just email me when you've resolved most of them.
>> No. 111385
File 134231065651.png - (8.49KB , 124x95 , Isaac_Bum_Friend.png )

Hm...Has he already started on it, or is he done with it? I'd like to wait until he's done with reviewing it so I can see his comments. I wouldn't want to just give you a bunch of redundant critiques. Is that acceptable?
>> No. 111389

He's done, but he only reviewed the first part of my story before dropping it. You can find it here:


However, I'd kind of rather you read the story yourself first before looking at his comments. I want to see if your impressions match up.
>> No. 111430

First, review acknowledged. I'm liking the ideas you've put forward despite them being somewhat daunting.
Second, I have a whole mess of questions that your review has raised.

Biggest one: As some of the characters have already said, Thunder and his crew lie a lot. This immediately makes things really screwy (REALLY screwy, I dunno how well this lying business is gonna work out in the long run). Basically when he said that Kite would start enjoying killing things, he was lying. It was just another card to convince Citrus to let her son go. The enjoyment Kite felt was nothing more than that vindictive pleasure you mentioned. Also, I don't really want him to enjoy killing things lest he turn into another sadistic character. There's going to be plenty of those as is, I don't feel like the main character needs to be one too. Anyway, your thoughts on this?

Actually, building on that. It isn't so much that he likes or dislikes causing pain/killing things. It's that he doesn't mind it. The act of killing something, of itself, doesn't bother him, nor does he derive pleasure from doing it. He only recognises that it's the wrong thing to do because that's what society has taught him. Anyway, that's sort of what I think I'm trying to convey but it probably isn't coming across at all seeing how there isn't much to suggest any of this in the actual story.

You mentioned quite a bit on character development but you didn't really say a lot on Kite's character. How'd you feel about him apart from the "likes killing things" bit that I've already touched on?

Next: Story being rushed. Another reviewer said that the story was going too slow. These mixed signals are confusing me but I would like to draw it out a bit more. Not really much to say there.

Spitfire: Yes it was the Wonderbolts' Spitfire. The only reason she's in there is to establish when the story is taking place in relation to the show. She originally had a slightly longer time in the spotlight but that didn't make the cut. All I'm asking now is: was it clear enough that she's only there to show that this story takes place like, 15 years or something before the show (actual year uncertain)?

Anyway, thanks again. I now need to have a good, long think about how to implement your ideas. Would you be willing to pick this up again once I'm done and see how I did? I'd kinda prefer to have you again after that awesome job and all the changes I'm about to make.
>> No. 111445
Well, in that case, just use two hyphens in a row.
>> No. 111485
Tags: [Adventure][Sad][Comedy]

Synopsis: The Cutie Mark Crusaders find themselves inspired to go back in time and witness the moments in which their friends got their cutie marks for themselves - believing that seeing them will help them far more than simply hearing about them will. But considering the fact that seemingly everything the three fillies touch turns to catastrophe, what exactly would happen if they were to achieve this? Could we be on the precipice of a present-changing disaster?

How much damage can three little fillies cause...?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/37313/Time-Crusaders

This is a collaborational effort between me and a friend of mine. He came up with the premise, though I've done the bulk of the writing.

The pre-reader mentioned capitalization issues around the dialogue. Things like:
"But mostly the Sonic Rainboom." Interjects Scootaloo excitedly.

I went through and fixed most of these but I seemed to have missed a few, so he recommended I come here.
>> No. 111503
File 134237285770.jpg - (7.58KB , 184x184 , patchy.jpg )
Double hyphens are ugly though. >:/ Hyphen with spaces before and after, though...
>> No. 111548
Well, if you go into Google Docs, you can put em dashes in that way. Hit Insert-->Special Characters-->Punctuation-->Dash/Connector, and it's the sixth option on the top row.
>> No. 111549
File 134238759693.png - (801.11KB , 1011x790 , Octavia allegrezza_by_zonra-d4dpoj3.png )
Huh? [Sad] and [comedy]. Well, I have seen it work before. I'll take this one. Expect a review on Tuesday or Wednesday, after Tactical's contest is over.
>> No. 111550
I know it sounds weird together, but my favorite kind of story to write tends to be tragicomedy. This is my first true fanfic, but I have written a lot of fangames for Ace Attorney, and that's the tone that series has, really - many cases get dark, but it's still pretty silly. I think that's the kind of thing I'm going for. You won't be able to see it from this first chapter, but this will get rather dark at several points. Still I'll try to keep it humorous, just as the show itself is hilarious despite having plenty of sad moments as well. That being the case, I THINK I tagged it right... might be looking at it differently than others would, though.

Anyway, acknowledged, and thank you~
>> No. 111563
Ehmm... just letting you guys know I'm going to start reviewing all these stories from top to bottom and then return to the CyborgSamurai story (cause it's freaking big).

See you guys in a while.
>> No. 111569
Thanks for the help. I'm overwhelmingly embarrassed by just how many problems there were.

And I agree with the headcanon having holes: there are parts I’ve only half-explained inside my own understanding of it. I’ll make sure to flesh them out and work them in.
>> No. 111571
Well, the instructions say to post here, so post here I shall... I guess.

Tags: OC Shipping, Occasional Grimdark (AKA Shipping & Grimdark)

Synopsis: The Canterlot Music Competition. The biggest showing of musical talent in all of Equestria! Ponys come from all over to compete for both fame and the 10,000 bit grand prize! But this year, things are different. For two of the contestants, there's life on the line. Who will be the victor?

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GCCnA1z0Et026YGjZC_pyIVdQsP-fflFkkt2nvQTP7g/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jmQ3ATJSTua7mEwnoWIYFlRADTuYtGHYsS7xOa80ThM/edit

So, I'm mostly here for a review of Chapter 1, but I'd also like a... let's say a "check up" on the Prologue. I had it reviewed once and fixed it as best as I could, but I still don't think it's quite right.

...also I can't for the life of me come up with a good hook.
>> No. 111573
>> No. 111574
Random one: How would you punctuate this to prevent it being a run-on?

The fire consumed the book before her, the smoke billowing up and curling into a thin contrail that dove towards Spike’s open hand where the book re-materialized.

>> No. 111577
File 134240194587.png - (94.23KB , 337x600 , Damp Octavia.png )
>The fire consumed the book before her, the smoke billowing up and curling into a thin contrail that dove towards Spike’s open hand where the book re-materialized.
This isn't a run-on, but you could definitely cut out what you don't need. What's the sentence saying? The book burnt, turned to smoke, and rematerialized in Spike's open hand.

Before her eyes, green flames consumed the book. It turned into a thin wisp of smoke, but instead of dissipating, it took on a life of its own and dove towards Spike's open hand. He jolted as the book re-materialized in his grasp.
>> No. 111579
File 134240246569.gif - (40.78KB , 548x400 , derpy2.gif )
Thanks, friend!

Also, as soon as I hit the post button, I remembered your advice thread, which would have been perfect for this.

>pic related
>> No. 111598
I should be able to manage this one
>> No. 111662
Ok, had to go to a party and had work in the morning, but here you go:


Grabbing the next unclaimed one.
>> No. 111664
Forgot the Subject field, this is the review for The Road to Ponyville.
>> No. 111740
File 134249097447.jpg - (31.12KB , 750x720 , 282885_334867919922593_403332453_n.jpg )
that post is within the same board, you need only put >>P05TNUM83R to link it. Just so you know.
>> No. 111773
File 134250290294.jpg - (70.44KB , 250x370 , sadcadance.jpg )
Tags: Sad, Romance

Synopsis: I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L-YDdQXu-NGrZZWzXeQU3GT5MeYb3GMjghxTAcDIGmY/edit

Comments: Back for round two. However, I recognized that the writing style I was using wasn't working (dry and stale as the pre-readers put it) so I decided to start from scratch and remake it from the 1st person perspective.
>> No. 111797
Fullmetal Pony, consider yourself claimed!

A Heavy Crown
>> No. 111801
Ok, so I'm working on coming up with a better synopsis/description/blurb for my story, but I'm finding that pretty much anything I come up with sounds like the cheesy voice over dialogue of a movie trailer. But I think it's easy to undervalue the synopsis since I feel like it's frequently going to be what determines whether or not someone gives your story a chance.

So that being said, does anyone have some personal advice or links to guides on this particular topic?
>> No. 111844
File 134253784360.jpg - (44.81KB , 711x1142 , 132632127207.jpg )
Straight from Seth at Bronycon:
"A good synopsis is just a simple description of your story, you don't have to get all fancy with it, if your story consists of, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy go on an adventure in the everfree forest, then write it like that, it's all you need. there is some room for rewording it to make it a better hook, but keep it simple, and don't use questions either. Saying something like, What will they find there? is unnecessary, and is actually a big turnoff. The reader is already asking this question in their head, so there's no need to state it" best as I could remember it, straight from Seth himself, take it for what you will.
>> No. 111876
>>111844 provides a good start (from Daffodil, not Seth).

My tips for synopses are these:
-Name characters, even OCs.
-Describe clear conflicts with concrete stakes.
-Do not use rhetorical questions.
-Avoid vagueness.

For further help, the Synopsis Review thread is available at >>70737.
>> No. 111886
>implying Seth knows jack about writing.

Just sayin'.
>> No. 111893
File 134255725992.png - (247.68KB , 400x400 , Wish I May, Wish I Might.png )
Adventure, some humour I hope

It is the year 2020 in the year of Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia's reign and Ponyville is crumbling into a new dark age. Disease and poverty run rampant in a world scourged by desolation, pollution and radiation. The human Maxwell arrives in the middle of it all in his search of the object that seems to be the source of this dystopia, but his inexperience at being a pony is only one hindrance. To understand how things could have gone so wrong, we also have to travel back in time seven years, where things start with a little filly wishing upon a shooting star.


Both of them, if it isn't too much to ask for

The first chapter has been through two proof readers and Equestria Daily twice, needless to say without success. That is not my reason for posting here, however. I am no fool and I know that my powers are too limited to endure EqD’s strict, blemish-free demands. I post here because the second chapter is done and I wish for it to be placed under the same grammatical scrutiny. Additionally, it is my hopes that the ATG’s critics can help me improve both chapters.

A complete list of their complaints (for chapter 1, I assume this is the case for chapter 2 + more grammatical errors):
-Dialogue punctuation (a few scattered instances later in the story)
-Semicolon misuse
-Missing/Unnecessary commas
-Excessive exposition
-Inconsistent narrative perspective (switches from omniscient to second person briefly)
-Formatting and spacing issues
-Awkward phrases
>> No. 111907
>thinking a good portion of the people on /fic/ aren't actively studying or already completed studies on English/Creative Writing.
Additionally, I'm fairly certain the average monkey reviewer over here knows more about writing than you'd generally think when you think about fanfiction, that's why there's actually a significant portion of fanfiction that is half-decent.
>> No. 111909
Shakespeare was a glorified fanfiction author. Bastard never even moved out of script format.
>> No. 111924
Umm, what point does that have in this discussion?

More to the point why are we having this discussion about who knows what about what?
>> No. 111929

So here is your review (finally). As I said in the docs, there isn't that much more to say... moving on:

Probably the biggest issue I found was awkward sounding sentences caused either by editing mistakes or poor word choice. I'd advise you to run through it yourself a few times with attention to sections that sound awkward.

There's nothing wrong with the story from a technical standpoint. The main concern is that potential readers may be limited to fans of the mechwarrior universe but there's nothing wrong with that. Also not a lot you can do about that seeing how potential readers only need to look at the synopsis, see that its a mech cross-over and determine
that, because they may or may not know anything about mechs, they may not be able to appreciate the story and will instead move on (that was a long sentence).

Otherwise, the story works well and is interesting. I noticed that there is no explanation given as to why the ponies have ended up in space with some mechs. That isn't a problem though, I'm happy to accept that they're suddenly in space and I want to see what kind of antics they get up to. No need to bog down with backstory so change nothing there.

In answer to the question in your review request, I think it all works. I'm somewhat confused with the one-shot thing as it felt as though you were going somewhere more significant towards the end. That doesn't really matter though because the story, standing alone, is good.

Anyway, if you have anything else you want to discuss, let me know in one of the comments in your doc and it'll email me (hopefully).
>> No. 111940
So... I'm a bit confused. Apparently my fic was claimed, but... was it?
>> No. 111945
I would think so, I did say I was doing a review for it.
>> No. 111946
File 134257213258.png - (191.06KB , 490x357 , feels bad pony.png )
Sorry my review is taking so long, but I might not be able to get to this until seven days after what I thought I'd be able to get it to you by. Would you like me to drop your story, or would you mind waiting a bit longer? Again, my apologies.
>> No. 111948
>>111945 Oh. Hah, I ought to pay more attention. Thanks.
>> No. 111974
File 134258331223.jpg - (27.72KB , 320x271 , 380664_346592988722272_339685176079720_833887_2015314431_n.jpg )
Well here I am ponies: my thread locked, loose ends tied up, I am ready to tackle this rumored-to-be far-too-massive queue. At least that was the story back in June.
*looks at queue*
>It's only ten stories, and I've already seen a few of them between my two threads.
Oh goody.
*searches queue*
I think I'll claim this one>>109589
Neon Labyrinth by SoundofRainfall
It's a good length, I like the genre, I like the premise, let's see what you've got. With any luck I'll have it posted in 24 hours or less.

>On a side note, I'm making a shout out to The Great and Powerful!TrixieO06U.
I've been thinking of writing a fan fiction about, guess who, it's you, and I'm wondering if you'd like to help me write it, cuz I kinda need it to be, well, good, and I just can't ever seem to nail down Trixie's character all that well. That and, after seeing some of your work, well, you're a much better writer than me. If you're not interested that's totally cool, but I just figured I'd run it by you cuz, y'know, it's you. If you *are* interested, my email's in the email field.
>> No. 111976
File 134258356549.png - (117.96KB , 945x945 , shrugpony pinkamena.png )
Was it Daffodil? They sat next to eachother at the board, so it's possible I got confused.

Either way it's good advice I'd say
>> No. 111981
File 134258426763.jpg - (5.37KB , 225x224 , 25696344356.jpg )
Um, well... that's interesting, for the first time in, like, ever, I forgot to read the post before making a claim. This only needs a spelling/grammar check, and I'm usually bad at those. Still a second pair of eyes can't hurt, so I'll give it a look, but I can't promise to be as thorough as say, Chocolate Milk, or Golden Vision.
>> No. 112013
File 134259293461.png - (147.14KB , 500x437 , pinkie_and_dashie_hug_by_morginthehedgehog-d4w9ai2.png )
No problem. I'm patient and I appreciate the update, so go ahead and hold onto it. :)
>> No. 112109
File 134266176664.jpg - (5.54KB , 125x155 , glam rock scootaloo.jpg )
Wow a FanFiction link, I haven’t been to that site since… well since just before I came here. Damn that’s a good story. I couldn’t find a lot of mistakes, but my word is nothing to go by as far as proofreading is concerned; I’m really a total amateur. I did copy/paste it onto a GDoc to make editing easier – which I will delete immediately upon your request – and I’ve already given you editing priveleges on it because well, it’s your story after all. http://derpy.me/PVLV9
I gave it my best shot, but I don’t actually think I’m very good at proofreading. I’ve highlighted in red the areas that could probably use attention, and commented on the one’s I had an answer to. I think your main problem – if there is one – would be chopping up sentences with short fragments. You also have a few comma splices that should be em(en?) dashes.

I did notice one inconsistency that I’d like to point out, though I don’t want to mess up a really good story that’s already been accepted to EQD. Vinyl says via thought that she’s “been doing this for over a year.” And in another flashback she says that she’s sixteen. Yet the birthday cake that is only a week old says seventeen on it. Does this mean that she only moved to Manehattan recently, and had been doing this since she was fifteen?
That’s what I’m able to give you; I’d recommend running this through a more skilled proofreader before going back to EQD, just to be safe. Try somepony who specializes in it, like Chocolate Milk if his queue is open. Does anypony know somepony else who’s really good at editing?
>> No. 112113

...I don't suppose you'd like to, i don't know, FINISHING your review? Maybe?
>> No. 112114
Are you rushing a reviewer?
>> No. 112120
File 134266593821.png - (166.79KB , 853x937 , mlfw3165-13303758468416[1].png )
>> No. 112126
Reviewing is not always a simple process. Not only does a reviewer have to read the entire fic, he or she has to find errors or other shortcomings of a story, explain why they are errors or shortcomings, and suggest possible corrections or fixes. Reviewers can take upwards of a week. Please be patient, and thank you for your cooperation.
>> No. 112144
File 134267115218.jpg - (65.05KB , 483x480 , GrabMyTail.jpg )
Claim. I will only be reviewing the first chapter, however, mainly because it's swifter and most problems in the first chapter will carry out throughout the rest of your story. Expect a review within the next few days.
>> No. 112157
File 134267609581.png - (93.26KB , 264x302 , 133983215737.png )
Nightdreams and Daymares by mareinthemoon
A story that’s been sitting since the day I got here?! Oh no no no this simply will not do. Claiming immediately. And it’s a dark/sad fic too, my favorite. *Cracks knuckles* Okay Minjask, let’s see if we can tackle something of EQD caliber again.

This one may take me a few days. I know I usually make it a point to post a review within 24 hours of picking up a story, but this is well over my usual word limit, and I really want to make sure I’m giving a full review this time, like, better than I’ve ever done. Something about this story really interests me, so I’m stepping up my game this time. Most reviewers take a few days anyway, so there shouldn’t be a problem.
>> No. 112158

I wouldn't get too impatient. I've been waiting for a week and a half. (Three and a half if you want to include the time between me posting and a reviewer claiming it). Takes time and they have their own life to deal with.

Did give me plenty of time to get two sad one-shots completed.
>> No. 112167
File 134267883625.png - (194.04KB , 859x930 , 133632521526.png )

Fucking ninja’d. Sorry box, I see some shit like Dark-MLP-Legacy of Kain? I have to take a look.


Okay author, let’s see whatcha got going on here-

First off, you’ve an issue with some awkward phrasing that smoothed out, would allow the narrative to flow much more organically. For example-
>In the end, it was us that fooled ourselves
Say this aloud. Does it sound smooth? Does it sound mature? If so, then you should move out of the Appalachians as soon as possible.

Your opening is giving the reader conflicting perspectives. First you say everything is (was) perfect, then imply some manner of extended conflict with “just when victory was in our grasp” then you immediately dash any implied severity with the explanation that Luna’s simply engaged in extended negotiations. Make the distinction of shit going down, or not, more clear. Which leads me into my next thing—

Hyphens are not em dashes, and em dashes are not spaced. Hyphens are not used for appositives or sentence breaks. Em dashes are. Yay! You also have a great deal of outright intended-em-dash misuse.
Incidentally, you REALLY like appositive structuring. Like, a lot. Like, almost every other sentence, perhaps more, seems to contain one. Try to smooth some of them out.

>as well for her innate diplomatic skills as for her affinity for gems,
This should be-
>as much for her...

hmmm. I dunno. This implies almost a sense of racism. From Twilight, no less.

Sentence fragments, you have a few. One Eg:
>One that the children adored, and the adults idolized.

>I released him into the wild
This amuses me on multiple levels, one of them being this comes at the tail end of Twilights ruminations that to keep Spike with her any longer would demean him in some manner. Then blam, WHAT A BEAUTY.

>Shining Armor and his mistress Princess Cadence
mistress? I mean, are we talking like well-paid concubine, or leather chaps and whips? You must admit the difference is somewhat crucial.

>It was then that Princess Celestia was murdered.

>for I knew all good and well that the Princess is as busy as she can be,

You really don’t need quotations for direct thoughts, italics are more than sufficient.

I rather think you needn’t capitalize “Palace”

Hmm. Your transition of Twilight as she is commonly held into such an brash cynic is too rushed. Fixing this wouldn’t be too hard, just a paragraph or so of the trials and bullshit she’s had to deal with over the years, and how her duties have changed her, and by extenuation the other five, over the years.

Whyyyy do you have standard dialogue italicized? This is pretty jarring, and I STRONGLY recommend you not do it.

>I remember." - He said
You do this shit a lot. Stop it. Firstly, there is not need for the (supposed to be) Em dash. Secondly, the period is a deal breaker on dialogue tagging. It should look like this-
>I remember(,)” (h)e said
When you do a transition from dialogue to narrative to dialogue, you don’t use a dash when there is punctuation within the quotations, nor if the narration is a said-ism (generally).
Like this-
>prepared." - Cadence said - "And
Would be this-
>prepared,” Cadence said. "And
>prepared,” Cadence said, “and
You never use a period within quotations and continue with a narrative attachment.

The exchange between Twi and SA feels pretty off. Establish a tone and reason for their seemingly hostile relationship before jumping into near-confrontation.

You overuse conjunctions in beginning narratives sentences imo, despite this being a first person recounting.

>My anger changed to worry
This line cheapens the tone you’re working toward.
…Yeah, you need to work on conveying emotions in a broad sense.

>, her.. it.
by god, thar be three dots with an ellipsis, no more, no less

This is generally used for kids. Go with stallions for adult references.

>”You must kill your friends”
Damn you. I was just going to have a look at the first chapter, but you play on my dual weakness of dark-as-shit and cliffhangers. Clever girl…

Chapter Two—

Whoa whoa whoa. Back the fuck up man. Your first line in C2 is a total acceptance that Twi’s just gonna knock off the other Elements. This is not ‘Severing’ mate. You canna just skate with that. Obi-Wan-Celestia needs to impart more to Twi, and she needs to share more with us, than “I need to kill them save the world mmk.”

Darp, some tense confusion makes itself more known in this chapter. Look into that.

lol, really?

So wait, AJ arrives to much acclaim an a traditional fair, but a week earlier the whole city was on total lock-down? This meshes messily.

Big Mac and AB are in Canterlot? What are they doing there?

>For only now did I begin to fully realise the magnitude of the action I would take. To kill Applejack.
Yeah, see, no. I don’t buy this at all. She’s had a week or more to contemplate this concept, and the mere notion of such necessity would fucking shatter her. And it SHOULD, and you should USE it! Pathos man, go for the pathos!

>I could feel corruption oozing from her
watt. You really need to do some elaboration on this thing you’re playing.

Annnnnd your confrontation scene just blows any SoD right out of the water with OoC issues. Like, damn. You canna just make the jump you are. You have to justify it, lay the foundation, make the evolution of their characters and changes to their personality and relationships solid and believable. You can’t just go “I knew you never liked me cuz Im a dirty earthier peasant” and expect it to fly mate.

Suddenly AJ’s a vampony. What. How. Huh?
I’m following you up to the Elements being a somehow corrupting thing upon the Bearers, but you leave WAY too many holes in even that approach, let alone to jump to them suddenly being soul-corrupted creatures of supernatural crazy shit.
Not mention, Twi has been in empathic contact with all of them over the years, how would she not have sensed this? Further, why is SHE not undergoing the same corruption, if not more so, being the bearer of the most powerful element? So many things you need to address.

And then suddenly they’re at Sweet Apple Acres? So many suddenly’s.

Stay consistent with you compound hyphenation. You miss this several times.

This is a cool premise. Frankly, I love this shit, so lemme say I have nothing but encouragement for you to make this the best thing it can possibly be. All the best to ya mate; cheers, and keep writing!
>> No. 112175

I'm not one to argue with a reviewer, but there are a few things that I feel should be discussed.

One, the formatting mistakes. My bad. Those hyphens are.. it's the way I write and have always written. I realise it's distracting and "wrong", and I'll see to fixing that. It's just.. I don't even notice doing it. Thanks for being vocal about them though.

Second, something much more important: chapter two, Honesty. You seem to think that the whole thing takes place in Canterlot before the part where Sweet Apple Acres burns? The whole chapter Twilight is in Poneapolis (Ponyville), AJ leaves the crowd and goes to Sweet Apple Acres, and Twilight follows her there. The fight scene and everything going forward takes place there. Is that really so hard to miss? Any tips on how to make the transition from Canterlot to Poneapolis between the two chapters obvious?

And lastly, third, Twilight being OOC: weird as it might sound, I did this completely intentionally. Twilight being bitter, cynical, "evil" even, is actually part of the story and is building up to something towards the end. I realise it might turn people off, but those that stick with the story and read it all will be rewarded. Now, of course, I know you couldn't know that - especially since the fic isn't even done yet! Although, from your post I gather you know Legacy of Kain. Then you also know that in the game, the corruption of the Circle of Nine is near-instant and absolute upon Nupraptor seeing Ariel dead. Sounds familiar?

Now, for everything else, such as awkward phrases, thanks for pointing them out. I'll see to correcting / rewording the chapters so they read better.

Two questions, though. What in Equestria is a "SoD"? And you said that you "love this shit". Bear with me here, as this is actually pretty important for me to know: was that "shit" figurative, or your actual overall opinion?
>> No. 112177
File 134269279011.png - (131.42KB , 528x700 , 40662__safe_rainbow-dash.png )
One, don’t mistake formatting choices for grammar mistakes.

>CH 2 scene transition
That was most likely my bad, speed reading an all. Go over it again just to be sure it’s clear

Then you’re relying too heavily on reader familiarity with your crossover, in which case you should be posting this in a Kain fandom, where ppl know more about that than MLP. Since you’re in the MLP arena, you have to work toward bridging character changes in a believable way. On that note, SoD means Suspension of Disbelief. A very important concept for a writer to understand. Takes practice.

>love this shit
I was primarily referring to the Dark genre, but I like your fic too.

Keep writing.
>> No. 112178
File 134269407048.jpg - (265.75KB , 640x360 , hmms.jpg )

>suspension of disbelief
Oh yes, I'm familiar with that - I've just never heard it shortened like that. Derp.

Also, please tell me something. If I leave Chapter One as it is (while of course correcting grammar, awkward phrases, formatting, etc) and change Chapter Two up a bit so the transition from IC-Twilight to OOC-Kain-Twilight is smoothed out, do you think that will fix the problem? (Mostly) IC-Twilight goes in, bitter-cynical-Twilight comes out.
>> No. 112193
File 134270326658.jpg - (41.97KB , 500x375 , 130263921738.jpg )
>do you think that will fix the problem? (Mostly) IC-Twilight goes in, bitter-cynical-Twilight comes out.
Honestly, that depends entirely on your writing abilities. Sounds like a solid shot though. Give a try.
>> No. 112204
File 134271355961.png - (136.56KB , 340x370 , 132547462520.png )
Seems like you already got a pretty good look at it. I'll just release it. At the same time however it HAS been sitting there for almost a week. Why not take it before?
>> No. 112210
File 134271744439.png - (167.33KB , 900x805 , shy.png )

Hold on a minute - I am right now in the middle of updating Chapter Two to fix some major OOC-issues. If you're willing to wait, (and read not the first one but two chapters) I can get back to you when it's ready - and then you can take a look at it to see how it is. I can only benefit from a new set of eyes.

..If you'd like to, that is..
>> No. 112215
File 134271807762.png - (284.65KB , 680x708 , twilightsunglasses_jpg.png )
Tags: Adventure, Normal


When Twilight receives a mysterious package revealing a grave secret about Equestria's beloved sun, she sets out to search for answers. Wandering ever deeper into a web of deceit and government conspiracy, she soon discovers herself in a treacherous struggle for the truth, her life, and very fate of Equestria itself.



My first submission to TTG! Looking forward to reading the feedback.
>> No. 112228

>> No. 112265
Apologies hugz, I didn't mean to step on your keyboard. I just caught sight of it on a skim and the premise grabbed me.

By all means, do your thing! It's not as though authors don't love and often benefit from more review-love.
>> No. 112307
File 134276266839.png - (488.88KB , 1165x535 , Bon Bon28035__.png )
You need to be very sure if you’re going to write your whole story in present tense.

>With blazingly fast speed she soars - sounding every bit like a jet engine flying past.
With blazingly fast speed she soars, sounding every bit like a jet engine flying past.

>'Aw yeah... I'm awesome.'
[ i ]Aw yeah... I'm awesome![ / i ] (Ignore the spaces.)

>, enthusiastically kicking her front hooves into the air.

>No time for showboating quite yet, though - it was time for the grand finale!
No time for showboating quite yet, though. It was time for the grand finale!

>And then it happens - the sound barrier is shattered, and a giant rainbow forms.
And then it happens, the sound barrier is shattered and a giant rainbow forms.

>Scootaloo is awestruck -
Tell. And stop splitting your sentences with dashes, you don’t know the correct way to do so.

>, near-speechless.

>"You can say that again!" Replies Rainbow Dash,
"You can say that again!" replies Rainbow Dash,

>, not exactly known for her modesty.

>"And a prodigy, too!" She continues. "I mean can you believe I've been doing things like that since I was a little filly?!"
"And a prodigy, too! I mean can you believe I've been doing things like that since I was a little filly?!"

>, as she puts her head down.
Slightly awkward phrasing.

>Realizing she has her idol concerned,

>After giving this a bit of thought however, the proud mare just writes it off as her being starstruck by her role model.
Tell. Show her thoughts?

>Scootaloo should be enjoying herself. This happened to be the last day of school before summer break.
Is there a reason why she enjoys school more than the freedom to play whenever you want?

>Yet she can't help but feel just a little bit bothered by the thought that Rainbow was soaring like an eagle as a filly, when she can't even fly yet.
Huh? I thought we were in Dashes head.

I prefer lines for scene breaks. Like ~~~~~~~~~~ or --------

>, where she shared this problem with her friends.
This kinda sounds like they all have the same problem, instead of Scootaloo telling her friends about the problem.

>Sweetie and Applebloom share a concerned look, and decide to try changing the subject.

>This gets confused looks from her friends.

>The look of triumph vanishes slowly from Sweetie's face as she realizes they can't do that.

>"Maybe Rarity will know!" Sweetie suggests. "She's smart!"
What? Why would they ask Rarity, Twilight’s the smartest member of the cast? And what does Rarity know about time-travel? Don’t just brush this off with, “Oh, they’re sisters.” Go watch Sisterhooves Social.

>, obviously a bit skeptical.

>, who doesn't seem to notice her sister's presence.

>Sweetie is greeted not by an answer, but by a confused stare from her sister.


>interjects Scootaloo excitedly.

>, much to the feline's dismay.

>No such luck - her claws are deeply planted into the branch.
No such luck; her claws are deeply planted into the branch.

>Applebloom asks cautiously.

Here’s how to correctly punctuate dialog. (‘Cause I’m too lazy to point out each and every one.)
“Blah blah blah,” said Firecracker.
“Blah blah blah.” Firecracker lowered her horn and a giant fireball shot out of it.

>Sweetie pipes up, ecstatically.

Okay, what was the point of that whole scene with Rarity? Sweetie Belle could’ve just as easily said, “Let’s ask Twilight.” and just got on with it. And scene switches need to be consistent.

>Twilight adamantly states

>The Cutie Mark Crusaders share a group "Awwww..." to this.
New speaker;
>"Well, why not?" asks Sweetie Belle.
new paragraph.

>scoffs Scootaloo, sarcastically.

>This actually stuns Twilight a bit,

>"But-!" starts Sweetie Belle.
"But—!" Sweetie Belle starts.

>"Okay. I understand... let's go, guys."
Implying male

>, the Cutie Mark Crusaders look rather downtrodden.

This is taking awhile to get going...

>, obviously not buying that.

>, Sweetie Belle suddenly gets an idea.

>Scootaloo asks gruffly.

>, a tad annoyed.

>Fluttershy's really good with animals - like all animals.
Fluttershy's really good with animals... all animals.
Or something like that.

>"She sure handled him!"
slightly awkward phrasing

>, remembering that time rather fondly.

>"She can tame things like that, that can turn a pony into stone!
slightly awkward phrasing

>suggests Sweetie Belle excitedly.
Oh, well. At least you used lower case.

>Applebloom starts, enthused.

>" Scootaloo responds, bluntly.

>She retreats back under in fear.

>A voice none of the fillies seem to hear.

>That sounds nothing like me!
Sweetie Belle wasn’t mimicking Scootaloo’s voice.

>says the faint little voice.
Just say it’s Fluttershy.

>, trying to think of something.

>, jumping up to her hind legs, sending her couch toppling over, her voice being raised almost to a regular mare's indoor voice.
, jumping up to her hind legs and sending her couch toppling over, her voice being raised almost to a regular mare's indoor voice.

>, shyly twiddling her hoof on the floor.
>, shyly

>a disheartened Scootaloo, enthusiasm fading from her face.

>Initially, Sweetie Belle looks disappointed by this,

>with just a hint of fear,

>an aghast Scootaloo.

>"I see... well, I'd love to come up with a way to help you but - ah! Oh... I'm just not fast enough..."
"I see... well, I'd love to come up with a way to help you but— ah! Oh... I'm just not fast enough..."

>a downtrodden Fluttershy,

>, having just missed catching a chicken after lunging for it.
Incorporate action in with the dialog.

>Sweetie Belle sullenly responds, evidently thinking that she was talking about their situation rather than hers.

>a confused in-more-ways-than-one Applebloom.

>That was all they needed to hear - as quickly as they arrived, the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran off to Sweet Apple Acres, with Applebloom shouting back with "Thanks for the help, Fluttershy!"
That was all they needed to hear. As quickly as they arrived, the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran off to Sweet Apple Acres. Applebloom shouts back with "Thanks for the help, Fluttershy!"

>a preoccupied Fluttershy.

And ANOTHER pointless scene. It’s that this time that the reader will probably get wise and skip ahead. I’m going to do the same, since most of the mistakes you’re making are throughout the whole fic.

>The three fillies slouch their downtrodden heads onto their table at Sugarcube Corner, having drowned their sorrows in milkshakes.
If this is what you meant by [sad], then you’ve failed. It’s not the end of the world though, just remove the tag (unless I’m wrong.)

>"Pinkie Pie sets us up on a wild goose chase,
This implies that the scene I skipped didn’t advance the plot and I didn’t miss anything by skipping ahead. Even in a [comedy] fic I’ve laughed once btw you still shouldn’t have scene that don’t go anywhere.

>Scootaloo adds scornfully.

>, sullenly.

>"It's what I desire the most..."
Who talks like this?! Let alone a twelve-year-old?!

And... the chapter ends with them still in the present. Unless they never travel through time, and your story is about learning to accept failure, then I’d suggest ending the first chapter just as they get out of The Tardis (or whatever they use to get there.) That way, the reader will want to read the next chapter right away. This is the most importaint change you need to make. You could even have a 10k word count for chapter one, so long you cut out all the scenes that don’t directly advance the plot or reveal character.
>> No. 112352

Don't care much for dialogue modifiers, do you?

>Is there a reason why she enjoys school more than the freedom to play whenever you want?

No, the line is saying she should be happy because school's out after today.

>>Huh? I thought we were in Dashes head.

We're not really in anyone's head in particular...

>>What? Why would they ask Rarity, Twilight’s the smartest member of the cast? And what does Rarity know about time-travel? Don’t just brush this off with, “Oh, they’re sisters.” Go watch Sisterhooves Social.

She's just the closest mare, really. It's not really supposed to be a good idea. Don't know if you've noticed, but Sweetie's not exactly portrayed as a genius here. I think how her friends react to her saying this shows they know how unlikely it is that Rarity could really help them.

>>Here’s how to correctly punctuate dialog. (‘Cause I’m too lazy to point out each and every one.)
“Blah blah blah,” said Firecracker.
“Blah blah blah.” Firecracker lowered her horn and a giant fireball shot out of it.

That thing with ending sentences with commas has always looked awkward to me, but I'll try and use it.

>>Okay, what was the point of that whole scene with Rarity? Sweetie Belle could’ve just as easily said, “Let’s ask Twilight.” and just got on with it. And scene switches need to be consistent.

There's four main things I wanted to do with this first chapter. 1. Give the Cutie Mark Crusaders a reason to go back in time, and have them set out to make it happen. 2. Establish why this would be a horrible idea. (Twilight is concerned for how they could mess up the past, Applejack is concerned for their own safety in doing something so crazy as traveling through time.) 3. Have them ask around for help, only to end it off with them thinking up a way to do it themselves. And 4. Get across the personalities of the Mane 6.

You may be wondering why I think this is necessary. Basically, it's because of what happens later. Without spoiling it, I'll say that I came to the conclusion that it would be more impactful if we saw them in-character early on. This is the main reason I have them going around asking all of them, minus Dash, who's introduced differently.

As for the scene breaks, the hyphens are used whenever we cut directly to the next scene. Sometimes there will be something I want to show on the way, other times there's nothing important so I'll just skip. It should be noted that this is done in the show. Take the Cutie Mark Chronicles for example, another situation where the CMC are going around asking all of the Mane 6 the same question - it shows them bumping into Applejack and Fluttershy, but it just fades out and into Carousel Boutique and after they're out the door there it cuts directly to Twilight telling her story.

>Sweetie Belle wasn’t mimicking Scootaloo’s voice.

...She's saying that doesn't sound like something she'd DO, not that she literally doesn't sound like her...

>If this is what you meant by [sad], then you’ve failed. It’s not the end of the world though, just remove the tag (unless I’m wrong.)

Ahaha, no, it's obviously not gotten to the sad parts yet. The tags refer to the story as a whole, not the first chapter. Trust me, there'll be plenty of sadness.

(It's not really much of an adventure yet either, but we'll get there before too long.)

>I’ve laughed once btw

Well that's what you get for skipping Pinkie, isn't it? =P

>Who talks like this?! Let alone a twelve-year-old?!

Yeah, this line is pretty forced, I can admit that much. Would "I want it with all my heart" sound more natural? It sounds a bit better to me...

Got a rather specific reason why I need her to say something like this.

>And... the chapter ends with them still in the present. Unless they never travel through time, and your story is about learning to accept failure, then I’d suggest ending the first chapter just as they get out of The Tardis (or whatever they use to get there.) That way, the reader will want to read the next chapter right away. This is the most importaint change you need to make. You could even have a 10k word count for chapter one, so long you cut out all the scenes that don’t directly advance the plot or reveal character.

Eh, the chapter's kind of long as it is. They were never going to get it in the very first chapter, it should take a bit more time and effort than that. I don't really want to rush into it, it should be built towards.
>> No. 112371
File 134280404095.png - (211.80KB , 531x353 , 134051487615.png )
Tags: Adventure, Normal, maybe a bit sad in the beginning

Word count: 2046

Synopsis: She would never forgive him. Their battle wasn't meant to go this way. What we need is a miracle. Twilight can deliver.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Im_uGMECOHuYFh7dzwSvF3EeCH9q0RSVeGq4M7-3BaI/edit

I mostly have two problems. One is my synopsis. It's kinnda bleh. I know this wouldn't be the place to go for that, but the synopsis thread has been kind of slow as of late. Second, i just can't think of a proper way to end this sucker.
>> No. 112374
File 134280503126.jpg - (162.88KB , 1110x1884 , 3.jpg )

Bring lube.
>wear these.
>> No. 112391
File 134281168925.jpg - (7.63KB , 202x250 , 25667809453.jpg )
As a poet, I gotta say, I love that little poem underneath the synopsis, I find it both beautiful and creepy, which I’m sure was your intent.

I’m just gonna drop a short review of what I found immediately upon opening your story.

>Rainbow Dash was busy clearing up the clouds.
Ouch. I’ve been there, I’ve made this mistake, so I get it, but this isn’t the best first line for your story. This is just a little bit of show-dont-tell.

>The report from Cloudsdale specifically requested perfect sunny weather with not a single cloud in the sky but it appeared that nature had different plans.
And that second line, not so hot either; you’ve got a run-on here. Try breaking that up like this:
The report from Cloudsdale specifically requested perfect sunny weather, with not a single cloud in the sky, but it appeared that nature had different plans. you might even add dynamic text markings, like say italics or bold:
The report from Cloudsdale specifically requested perfect sunny weather, with not a single cloud in the sky, but it appeared that nature had different plans.
See what that does? You can add a lot of emotion to your text, and a lot of show mind you, just by fixing the punctuation. You don’t even have to change the wording around much.

> She flew through the gray rain clouds, irritated since it seemed as if when she dispatched of one cloud, three more took its place. As time went on it seemed to get darker and darker, leaving Rainbow grinding her teeth and groaning. She certainly was not going to let some stupid rain clouds get the best of her.
You make an attempt at show here, but it’s not as good as it could be. What the prereader means when they tell you to work on SDT, is that they aren’t connecting with the character. Instead of telling the reader what happens to the character, show it to them through emotions and experiences. Allow the reader to almost feel like they are that character. Think about what it is Rainbow Dash is feeling right here, and let it flow through the writing. Like this:
> She flew through the gray rain clouds, irritated since it seemed as if when she dispatched of one cloud, three more took its place .
This is tell, you’re telling the reader what she’s doing, and you’re telling the reader that she’s irritated.
>There was no end to them, the sodden masses just would not stop coming. Their numbers seemed to keep growing even as she dispatched of cloud after cloud.
I haven’t said directly that Rainbow Dash is irritated, but the reader makes the assumption. You would be irritated too if you felt like all your efforts were in vain. And even though I never mentioned that they were rain clouds, you still draw the connection. This is what show vs tell means. You need to let the reader find the emotions on their own, by leading them there.

I’ll be taking a look at the rest of this over the weekend, so you can probably expect the full review Monday night, but I’ll leave you this for now. Your two biggest problems are show vs tell and run-ons, but I think you already knew about the SvT. Flesh out the punctuation, and work on putting your reader inside the character’s head, while I get to attacking the rest of it. And don’t worry, this isn’t a bad story, it just needs some touch ups. It actually kind of reminds me of a story I almost wrote. That just means I’ll be all too eager to help ;)
>> No. 112410
Title: Through innocent eyes
Tags: Sad
Description: After his father died, Pip only had one parent left; but she wasn’t a mother anymore. Alcoholism and mental abuse turned her compassion to writhing guilt. Twilight steps in as Pip’s babysitter. Pip tries to make sense of the turmoil and guilt, but, only with the help of Twilight, can start to see again.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YCXsU8UcChUz8p4Gw2_qwjz40eeINNx1IOxDxjA57Y0/edit
>> No. 112412
File 134281782046.png - (162.68KB , 900x963 , lyra_by_shelmo69-d3nxeoe.png )


I'll snatch this one up. I'm currently going through Jake's fic, so once that's done I'll take a look and post the review in my thread. Sound good?
>> No. 112413

Sure, I'll keep an eye out for it and update it when you finish. :3
>> No. 112414
File 134281875861.jpg - (26.54KB , 500x287 , 134266664523.jpg )
Thanks. Do you have an E.T...R, I guess? Yeah, ETR. Estimated time of review. just wondering.
>> No. 112415
File 134281907348.jpg - (55.26KB , 1000x1000 , 16911_-_Lyra_artist-madmax_drinking_heartstrings_sitting_smoothie.jpg )

Um. Hm. Now you got me thinking here. I don't know if that's a bad thing... Wait, now I'm getting side-tracked. :P

ETR: -5+ hours? Maybe. I just need to finish Jake's stuff.
>> No. 112416
File 134281947372.jpg - (143.17KB , 814x634 , 134264130363.jpg )
wait is that 5 hours, maybe more? The - is throwing me off. it doesn't really matter to me, I know reviewers have their own lives too.

On a side note, PIC RELEVANT TO MY STORY... kinnda... a little... not that much... leaving now
>> No. 112425
File 134282336699.jpg - (22.07KB , 381x362 , Bon Bon131681865593.jpg )
I'm relinquishing my claim of Equestrian Century Alicorn Gundam. Though I'm willing to reclaim it if the author apologizes for calling me a flankhole.
>> No. 112430
File 134282498961.png - (210.74KB , 428x565 , Bon Bon131681932724.png )
I guess I'll take "Nopony's innocent."
>> No. 112473
Your review is bad and you should feel bad.
>> No. 112477
I would like to say that Part 9 of my fic "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is" was reviewed, and I acknowledge.
>> No. 112478
>>106942 >>108367
Review done in doc with extensive live chat, so I won't bother to rehash/summarize here.
>> No. 112487
File 134285339143.png - (111.72KB , 437x471 , 134202553537.png )
Would it be in bad taste to ask for a review for another story if I have one already waiting here? It's not the same story, but I just wanna be sure.
>> No. 112489
File 134285456110.jpg - (119.10KB , 1600x900 , Derpy_Dinky210.jpg )
Not at all. So long as you're genuinely looking to improve, you should be able to submit as many as you want (within reason.)
>> No. 112491
File 134285530307.jpg - (223.22KB , 1280x714 , 134022943262.jpg )
Good to know.

Tags: (Not really sure what to put here) Normal

Synopsis: Sometimes a name can be more than just a name. It's a concept that Twilight has been thinking on, and she's come to some interesting conclusions.

Word Count: 1577

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Yl32wlKLHQ-YIRPwq9oCI30T33XQTu7eb77IyP3U1Q8/edit

Notes: My main goal with this was a kind of a thinking piece. I basically made a story out of my ponderings on the mane six's names.
>> No. 112493
This is also in Kahkispony's thread.
>> No. 112514
File 134288474114.png - (12.34KB , 120x120 , Beggar.png )

Quintus, I'm terribly sorry that I have not gotten your review done yet. Some life things have gotten in the way and I haven't had much time to work on the review. I know it's just an excuse, though, so I'm going to try my hardest to get your review done sometime in the next few days.
>> No. 112516
Title: The Fluttershy Effect
Author: Masem
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure

Synopsis: After the ineffective advice from Iron Will, Pinkie takes the timid Fluttershy under her hooves to teach her to face her fears, at the same time that Twilight and her friends notice things have gone very much amiss around Ponyville.

- Current FIMFict posting

- GDocs version of Current FIMFict (probably easier to comment on...)

I got generally positive feedback from my first EQD submission with it but it sounds like I need another proofing round to assure these problems are resolved. The feedback from EQD is listed below:

== START EQD comments ==

Specific Issues:
As a rule, do not compound hyphenate words ending in -ly
>may have come of him. // become
>there was no logical way that none of them would remember what a dragon was. // should be a negative
Spell out numerals outside of proper designations (EG: M-16)
Rare dialogue tagging mistakes. // Rarity.” Applejack mumbled. / Fluttershy, “I just don’t know.”
>utter a peep // Did you mean ‘meep’ by chance?
Rare punctuation mistakes // “Oh, me first! Me first!”.
>‘I love to have that piece of cake.’ // I’d
>‘dragons’ of yourself, // yours
>forev— INCOMING!” // No spaces before or after Em Dashes


Some other stuff:
Now, while Twilight IS a brilliant unicorn, her conclusion of this craziness being centered around Fluttershy seems somewhat rushed, and therefore somewhat forced. This part could use a bit of… fleshing out. I can see the others catching on once Twilight extrapolates on the conception, but it needs more elaboration and rumination on Twilight’s part before she gets it herself. This is only the opinion of an experienced reader, by the way.

While this is a stylistic issue, you really reach in regards to your application of said-isms; specifically, your seeming phobia of “said”. Now granted, usage of speaking verbs can lend a good deal of inference and intonation, but using them to such a degree as you do simply overcomplicates things and takes a certain elegance out of the stories flow. I strongly suggest you consider taking half of your speaking verbs, and using ‘said’.

All in all, this is a good piece with a finely played angle. I suggest you get some reviews to help you fix up the noted issues; Ponychan’s /fic/ board is an excellent place to receive constructive peer-reviews, and you're going to need someone with a keen eye and a fine-toothed comb.

== END EQD comments ==

I have tried to go through on both the mechanical issues to fix any more throughout, and have done steps to address the two general comments.

I will note that I'm pretty solid on the story, characterization, etc. in that between my previous review here, the current feedback at FIMFict, and the above comment from EQD preread, that this is just trying to perfect the style of writing and not the story.
>> No. 112517
File 134288626979.png - (72.75KB , 390x341 , derpyhoovesbydarkomegam.png )
Claim. Expect a review later today.
>> No. 112534

No problem. I'm nothing if not patient.

Thanks for the update.
>> No. 112543
File 134290039197.jpg - (114.51KB , 960x540 , 134023782864.jpg )
thank you.
>> No. 112605
Uh, Hugbox did life catch up to you or did you forget. Just wondering.
>> No. 112607
File 134293120717.jpg - (6.42KB , 224x224 , shrugponyscoots.jpg )
He's probably on TF2, although in my experience sharing a thread with him, he may just be moving a bit slower than he thought.
>> No. 112608
noted, I'll keep up my patience.
>> No. 112609
>> No. 112610
File 134293207675.jpg - (6.02KB , 227x222 , all saddy waddy.jpg )
I know for a fact he's been tf2ing it up.
>> No. 112613
File 134293406637.png - (285.79KB , 500x480 , 131423997563.png )
A month? A freaking month? Alright! let's do this.
>> No. 112617
File 134293545896.jpg - (84.42KB , 739x751 , twilightbunhair.jpg )

Sorry for looking later at the queue, but I'd like to look at this. I also can't find my tripcode. I'll get that back later.
>> No. 112620
File 134293653110.png - (551.11KB , 920x685 , rarijack_gift_art_by_whitediamondsltd-d517pdw[1].png )
A day of applebucking has Rarity fed up with Applejack. When the unicorn expresses her frustration in the oddest of ways, Applejack is left befuddled and confused. After some thought the country mare goes to confront her friend. The discussion they have about it is nothing if not vague. Will this incident cause a rift in their friendship? Or, will it become stronger?

First fic ever, would love to have honest criticism on it! Making this post in order to have the number for the submission form!
>> No. 112621
File 134293699926.png - (584.85KB , 855x670 , Rarity103357 - applejack artist whitediamonds rarity snow snowball.png )
I'll take this. Next time put all the information in your post, as well as the queue.
>> No. 112634
Okay! I did chapter 8. First, let me say thank you. That was by far the best piece I've ever read from the training grounds. You've obviously read over this, and that's not something everyone does. So thank you.

There were very few things to actually change, but I put those as comments. However, as a general note, the chapter didn't have an awful lot of conflict. I'm also not super impressed with your OC's. Then all seem to be sort of similar and all of them are sort of nonchalant. You need at least one of those two things to stand out for me to remain interested. I did enjoy the affects that were happening, and I did make mention of how good your Twilight characterization was.

So those are some things you could work on. In the future, try to think up some more distinct and colorful characters.

Chapter 9 will have to wait for tomorrow. I'm le tired.
>> No. 112645
5582 words

Synopsis: When Agent Overcast from the Equestrian Secret Service is assigned to the Equestrian Mines to investigate the disappearances of some miners, he finds himself trapped in something much deeper than anypony could have ever guessed. Along with Rainbow Dash and Twilight, he discovers that the mines hold a secret. A secret that threatens to unleash a horror like Equestria has never seen before.


Submitted after a rejection. Pre-reader rejected it due to "not enough scenery/action" in the intro. I've worked with another reviewer on this and it should be good, but it's always good to have another set of eyes. The other thing it was rejected for was basic proof-reading. Now, that shouldn't be too hard.

Of course, there may be more, but that's why I'm coming here. Any comments left in doc are comments that I think may help whoever picks this up.

Please and thank you.
>> No. 112647
Well, to be honest, I did not enjoy it. The synopsis sounded pretty promising (which was why I jumped into this story in the first place). Good job on that. But after reading the introduction, I felt my interest dropping. You’re right. Your introduction fails to hook. I would choose a completely different scene to start with. Perhaps do some early foreshadowing to speed up the pace of your story.

Unfortunately, it isn’t your introduction alone that’s problematic. Your writing has a lot of Show vs Tell problems. Sometimes you choose to use a passive voice, and other times you do some completely unnecessary dumping of information.

Example sentence lifted: “This caused many cries of “What?” and “Boo!” from the crowd of ponies below.”

And an example of unnecessary telling: “The unicorn turned at the sound of her name, and smiled politely when she saw the pony who said it.”
Why not simplify it to: “The unicorn turned and smiled politely at the pony.”

There were a few points along the way where you decided to suddenly shift to the perspective of another character in the middle of a scene, thus confusing me and making the story feel unrealistic. Also your description tends to be shallow and vague, most of the time falling into telling. You tend to linger on dull scenes as well. Like two of characters finding a seat in a theatre, for example.

The plot is rather predictable. I can make a guess on what’s going to happen in Chapter 2, and will probably be pretty darn accurate.

I’ve typed out lots and lots of comments in doc, and I think this story needs to be rewritten. You could take a look at a few writing guides before you begin.
>> No. 112648

Uh, the reason why I’m taking so long is because I’m spending a lot of time looking through your work and picking out errors. I guess I’m feeling a little disheartened right now. Don’t you see that long string of comments by the side of your document? I go through your writing, weed out errors, determine what the problem is, and even go to the extent of rephrasing some of your sentences to make them sound better. I’m not even obliged to do that, because that is part of editing, not reviewing. So please be patient. Why not contribute back by reviewing a story or two for yourself?
>> No. 112660
File 134298680146.jpg - (152.09KB , 1000x676 , 195042 - artist anadukune pinkie_pie.jpg )

Last chapter I thanked you for proof reading the chapter yourself. This time let me thank you for writing something worth reading. Again, there were very few mistakes, and I noted them in the comments. This time your characterization was much much stronger. Your Twilight was especially good. I really enjoyed learning about how the elements affected her, particularly what it felt like. I think that concept is really cool. I also enjoyed the explanation given for Blair. Last chapter he didn't really feel real. He felt way too cool. This time he has way more depth. You can tell that he's seen hell. Again, there was no conflict, but the characters drove this story quite nicely.

So good job. Keep it up. I'm really glad that nobody reviewed your story for a whole month because it meant that I was able to read it.
>> No. 112662
Tags: [Crossover][Human]

Synopsis: Solid Snake is used to fighting rogue nations, giant robots, psychics, vampires, etc. None of this really
bothers him too much anymore, especially after that experience in New York Harbor.

He is not used to being a cartoon horse. This really bothers him, especially because he no longer has hands.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iFINlIGMgAUcWNgqgMfzKBH-8QbxsM7zyqpXP24ug8c/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X7IIeLFEa8ukxOkvnklVfgutCzVtzmJpSX2jIrKJ-m8/edit

Comments: getal meeaaaarrrrrrr
>> No. 112664
File 134298948937.jpg - (161.88KB , 1024x584 , 133836657935.jpg )

Why do I wanna read this!?
>> No. 112665
File 134299029602.gif - (1.18MB , 256x128 , 5ysrH.gif )
Because it's genius, that's why.
>> No. 112667
File 134299164568.jpg - (30.84KB , 338x351 , spoiler.jpg )
Alright, I read it, Few points.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but i think Snake always calls Hal Otacon, even off duty.

The image of a snake pony screaming and flailing on the forest floor doesn't mesh well with me. One of Snake's best attributes is the ability to adapt, you can't be a stealth expert with out it. Also, some of his lines just seem unlike him. The observation with the moon bugs me. Snake is also a survival expert, maybe have him try to examine the plants, and my final gripe, we're talking about a character whose a secondary character in the Ape Escape cast. If he can deal with pants wearing monkeys firing machine guns, a talking pony, (Fluttershy, for that matter) isn't going to make him faint. Props on not having a Snake! joke at the end... No do that, have Fluttershy, go "sir, sir! SIR!"... nah on second thought that's stupid.

... someone needs to make a codec conversation for twilight sneaking into the library...

Anyway, just my thoughts. Take what you will.
>> No. 112669
Feedback. Swag.

On the name thing... in Otacon's ending in MGS1, Snake agrees to call the Colonel "Campbell", and tells Otacon his real name. I was kinda assuming that after this, they didn't really use the nicknames anymore. Then again, I think they called each other "Snake" and "Otacon" in MGS2. Balls, now I need to pick that game up again...

Thanks for the feedback on Snake's behavior. I wasn't sure exactly how shocked he would be by such a different environment, but what you said definitely makes sense. I'll edit the first chapter to take that into account.

I was trying to make it a point that he passed out more because she was a fictional character, but now that I think about it, that may have been a bit much. Duly noted.

Thank you very mucho for giving your two cents!
>> No. 112673
I'm pretty sure that they call each other snake and otacon out of habit. They knew each other by those monikers for some time, so to adress each other as anything else would just feel weird.
>> No. 112675
also no prob.
>> No. 112691
File 134299809339.jpg - (156.53KB , 955x537 , Yep.jpg )
Hey sorry about the delay. Despite the accusations that I've been TF2ing excessively, a friend of mine has asked me to review the story of his upcoming animation, so I've been working on that lately. It'll be done tomorrow. Promise.

Unrelated: I also play this guy in it. woooo
>> No. 112692
Tags: Slice-of-life, Comedy
Words: 8428
Synopsis: Luna is on a mission to save Equestria, starting with her sister. With so many ponies gaining weight, she feels it is time to put down the cake and pick up a salad. Her only hope is that her sister will calmly agree to exercise and not act irrationally when she learns of Luna’s plan.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ySL9fdUsFL_T4JI4YEmtpd1wWLuaQma4wFhnRtj0szc/edit
>> No. 112698
No prob.
>> No. 112705
Title: The Blessed Ones
Author: Hollyfern
email: [email protected]
Tag: Adventure
Synopsis: After the defeat of Queen Chrysalis, Shining Armor's barrier spell has been duplicated across Equestia which has ensured a decade of peace. However such peace was not meant to last, along with terrible monsters a once long forgotten power has begun to stir once more bringing with it things that should remain buried.
Link : http://www.fimfiction.net/story/37074/Blessed-Ones
Special Requests: If possible, I'd like Conchshell to look this over for me.
>> No. 112707
Tags: [Action] [Thriller]

Synopsis: Equestria's most brilliant inspector goes up against it's most elusive and audacious jewel thief: "The Magpie VS The Lens" is a newspaper headline seven years in the making, and the scene for the final heist is nothing less than the royal palace itself! Will the real Magpie please stand up?

Updated Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15R29qGenp9oZHxyvjguc-iAceT1TgP4FzAv3u-m9nyE/edit

Original Review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jtYAWfxEgUrXhjR6RT0p8HS4Hu75EpsVo37JKpftoGM/edit

Comments/Requests: Contrary to what you may think, this is not a review request. This is actually a "follow up" request! Nightchronicle reviewed this story many moons ago, and I've tried my best to address his concerns. Keyword: "tried." Now I need someone to read his original review, read the story in question, and tell me if I actually did any of the stuff he said. If this is not the case, please let me know. You may also have to take me out back and slap me around for a good five or ten minutes.

It would be neat to have Nightchronicle do this, but a fresh viewpoint might also be invaluable. I'm good either way. Whoever claims it is certainly free to mention new problems, but the main concern is whether I followed any of the (very good) advice I was already given by Nightchronicle. If I didn't, I probably don't deserve new advice just yet.
>> No. 112714
I can certainly take another look if you like. However, if you want another pair of eyes, someone more experienced and fresher, that's fine by me too.

Your call.
>> No. 112715
File 134300986093.jpg - (12.66KB , 225x225 , scootaloo pooped.jpg )
Uagh! Okay so a bunch of stuff came up, not to mention a story that I just can’t get out of my head, and I’ve barely touched this all weekend. I have no idea when I’m going to be able finish it, but I’ll try to get it done by Friday. I can’t make that a guarantee, though.
>> No. 112728
File 134301521098.jpg - (175.86KB , 1600x1344 , wellington-bombers-in-flight.jpg )
Today’s VC Winner: SGT James Allen Ward of the Royal New Zealand Air Force.
Awarded for his actions on the night of 07JUL1941. With his Wellington bomber’s starboard wing aflame, Ward, with the persuasion of his crew, donned a parachute and climbed out toward the left engine, 13 000 feet above germany, punching foot and hand holes into the fabric of the starboard wing. Despite being unable to completely stem the punctured fuel line, the cause of the blaze, he was able to remove sufficient swaths of flammable material from the skin of the wing, thus removing the risk of a fire taking hold of the engine or fuselage. He and the rest of his crew landed flew the remainder of the sortie and landed unharmed.

Review: A Heavy Crown by Fullmetal Pony
I shant waste time, as we have much to cover:
-Sentence & Paragraph structure
-Dialogue punctuation
-Miscellaneous comments.
Tally Ho!

-Sentence Structure.
The first big thing I really noticed was your inconsistencies with sentence structure. You start with really long, rambling sentences, punctuated with short sentence fragments in the dream section. Than normal sentences for the main body, Finally finishing with nothing but sentence fragments in that final section. Now, first and foremost, sentence fragments are not real sentences. I understand you probably use them to create a dreamy sense of the passing of time, but the continuous use of sentence fragments just detracts from story’s detail.

Secondly, your paragraphs could use a little bit of structure. What seems to happen a lot, but especially in the dream section, are paragraphs that deal with two separate ideas. One paragraph, one development of an idea. In essay writing you begin with a topic sentence that outlines one main point, and then you explain and discuss that point in the remaining paragraph. Narrative writing is similar, in that the first line or lines should have something to do with the last few lines. It becomes distracting for the reader when one idea is completely sideswiped by another within the same sentence. Like I said, this was only really that noticeable in the dream section.

Moving on..

Specifically of the dialogue kind. Now, first and foremost, you use action-tags far too frequently. This is a subjective observation, but action-tags should be used sparingly, to break up the monotony of he said/she said tags, not the other way round. Using them too much creates confusion about who says what, and looks messy. Plus, you often punctuate them wrong anyway.

If a character does something, then says something, like this:

>James clambered across the wing. “Christ! Thats a long way down!”

You need to place a comma between the two instead of a full stop, to signify that it is James who is speaking:

>James clambered across the wing, “Christ! Thats a long way down!”

In the few times that you do use conventional dialogue, you need to write something a little like this:

>”Uhh lads, we have a problem here,” said the gunner, gazing out onto the blazing wing.

You should always emd dialogue with either a comma, ellipsis, exclamation point or question mark, never a full stop, so,

>...a problem here,”
>...a problem here!”
>...a problem here?”
>...a problem here...”

are all correct.
Secondly, the ‘said’ tag (exclaimed, asked, screamed, hollered, whimpered etc) Should never be capitalised.

>...here,” said the gunner.
Is right
>...here,” Said the gunner.
Is wrong

Thirdly, and although you don’t use them often, the interruptive said tag punctuation should look something like:

>”Oh, blow the parachute! Damn things just get in the way,” cried james cried ruefully, “ and besides, I doubt the bugger works anyway.”

The second chunk of dialogue should always be the end of a sentence. End it how you will, but there is no room for continuation afterwards.

>I doubt the bugger works anyway.” Gunner shook his head shamefully, but said nothing.
Is correct.
>I doubt the bugger works anyway,” as he looked at the unconvinced faces of the crew around him.
Is Incorrect.

Finally, and most importantly, thought dialogue. Now it’s hard to pick out thought dialogue from normal first person narration and its your job as narrator to highlight this. So, especially in the birth section, you need to make sure that we know that she is thinking it. Thus, it must be punctuated and structured as normal dialogue. That means proceeded by said tags (thought tags rather) and action tags if the case may be.


-Miscellaneous notes
Here I shall point out a few things that aren’t necessarily wrong, just deserve being pointed out.

FIrstly, the break between Aria’s narration and Chrystalis’s narration is a bit confusing. You use line spaces like:

this to discern between paragraphs and curly lines like:


this to discern between sections of narration, different sections of the chapter. However, you also use it to discern between changes in narration, which is confusing. I know this is just nitpicking, but I did give a slight double take while reading and it detracts from the flow of writing. It might be better if you try a different symbol when the two separate characters are narrating. I can’t remember what I was reading, if it was a proper book or some fanfiction, but the author used a sun and moon to discern between the two characters. Try something similar, or even a simpler system of separation, something like:

Paragraph separations could look a little bit, but not entirely like:
This, whereas section breaks could be discerned by something like:
This, with an unmarked line space, while for a change in narration you could use something like:
That. Just to keep everything simple and singular.

Secondly your writing style is fine, however it lends itself to confusion. I know how much of a dick I sound right now, seeing as you did say that a dull writing style was what the pre-readers pointed out originally, but I think you’ve gone too far toward the other extreme. Its lyrical, but confusing and hard to follow and this is noticeable like hell in the dream section. Again, I understand this is the desired effect, an ethereal dream-like state, but it does make it hard to follow for the reader. Just read through it once more in a few days time, and fix all the niggly bits that stick out to you.

I must say though, and I have never been pregnant nor have I given birth so this is just hearsay, the Birth scene I felt was exceptionally well done. The characters were compelling and the action flowed, as did the prose, and aside from the niggly bit I pointed out in the comments It was quite professional. As soon as you get the dialogue sections formatted properly, it should act as a model for all your other writing for this piece. It really was quite good.

To the finish we go!

So, please, give this story your full attention because I think it is worth the effort. If I missed anything I said I would cover, or if there is anything you feel like you want clarification on, just say so in the acknowledgement. I await your edit with baited breath, however I think getting a proper review from perhaps Golden Vision or Chocolate Milk would be well received and deserved.
>> No. 112733
What the!? You can't say it's my call, when I already said it was your call! Now I actually have to make an important decision, grumble grumble...

In all seriousness, I'd love for you to take a second look at it. You're closer to the original advice, and I'm curious to know how well (or poorly) I did. My main fear was that multiple reviews of the same work might cause your eyes to glaze over, but I suppose this is more of a checkup than a full length review.
>> No. 112738
File 134301935285.png - (14.29KB , 238x197 , happy.png )
Ah, excellent, now this is the review I needed. However, I'll only acknowledge it after I've made my edits, have had time to mull over both what you said and what I've done to the fic, and re-edited it.
Oh, but regarding the misc. stuff
Ze Irony! Funny who changing from third to first person shifts things. Off to edit. Away!
>> No. 112747
You kind of, um, said you know the review exists. Isn't that an acknowledgement?
>> No. 112759
File 134302719906.jpg - (76.15KB , 550x630 , 131025794520.jpg )
In a Pink Flash
Tags: [Slice-of-Life] [Dark]
Words: 1280
Synopsis: The Pinkie Sense is not without its side effects.

Today I just felt like finishing this painfully short piece just to see if I could still write; I wrote fragments of it months ago and felt it deserved to be pieced together. I think I enjoyed it. Anyhow, I would like some general and honest feedback on it just as a reality check in regards to what my writing is like and how I could improve.
>> No. 112762


Pasco is such a trooper :D
>> No. 112765
File 134303457148.png - (57.44KB , 383x383 , 132650200570.png )
Ion/whoever this may apply to: Am I still banned from reviewing?
>> No. 112768
You're not banned from reviewing; you're blacklisted from claiming. This means that your claims won't be recognized in the spreadsheet, but you can still review all you want.
>> No. 112769
If the hero is supposed to save the world and get the girl, then what do you do when the world doesn't know it's been saved and the girl drives you insane? After
[adventure][comedy][dark][romance][slice of life]

being humiliated by her eternal rival Surprise for the last time, Daring Do decides to take a break from her suddenly boring life of adventure and reconnect with friends. But when Surprise turns up as an unexpected roommate at Daring's Canterlot estate, she soon learns that the biggest adventures happen in your own backyard.


Equestria Daily's own Vimbert the Unimpressive graced my story! He thought I knew what he was talking about, so here's the list of errors to look out for.

Semicolon use
Comma splices
Compound word hyphenation
Ellipsis use
General comma use
Dialogue punctuation

And please, comment on the main doc, not a separate one. That just confuses things.

>> No. 112770
File 134303726311.png - (89.64KB , 334x425 , 132653454242.png )
So in theory, I'm allowed to open my own thread granted it's not in conjunction with TTG?
>> No. 112772
File 134303803103.jpg - (479.44KB , 900x851 , Monk-HTT.jpg )
It is not a matter of rules or actual banning except to the extent that it affects how the spreadsheet is updated. Rather, it is mainly a mark that you shouldn't be proud of. In this way, the act of "blacklisting" is merely the least that the community can do after someone acts poorly, in order to bring that activity to the later attention of others who aren't around to witness it. The reason for your blacklisting is this: when you claim stories and never review them, they appear as though they've been claimed, and so get even less attention than unclaimed stories. That makes it all the worse when you never get around to reviewing them. Hence, your claims won't be recognized.

That being said, you're welcome to open your review thread, but I pity anyone who submits a fanfiction to it.
>> No. 112773
File 134303934320.png - (74.78KB , 500x500 , 132649581931.png )
>implying that I wasn't busy at the time and that it's now not summer holidays where I don't have any spare time
>mfw this implication
And then I remembered how spiteful /fic/ was.
>> No. 112776
The point here:
>when you claim stories and never review them, they appear as though they've been claimed, and so get even less attention than unclaimed stories.
is the reason you've been blacklisted. It isn't spite; it's a sanction as a result of you claiming a fic and neither reviewing it for months (was it months? I'm almost certain it was months) nor dropping the claim after you knew yourself that you'd be too busy to go through with the review.

Again, you're welcome review, even if your claims aren't recognized. Just write up a review and post it in here--we'll add you to the Reviewer column for that fic on the spreadsheet when you do.
>> No. 112780
File 134304080033.gif - (216.39KB , 424x318 , 132643057289.gif )
No, it wasn't the blacklist that's spite. I accept it, because I deserved it.

It was this
>I pity

If you were like "Okay, although it's not the best idea because people may not be that interested, you're free to try", I'd be fine. But it's the fact you make it seem like it's a terrible thing that made me butthurt and buttmad.
>> No. 112786
File 134304438607.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )
I am withdrawing Alicorn Gundam fromt he queue, I appreciate the help offered by Azunyan but he looked at the first few sentances a coupel weeks ago and I ahvent' heard from him since.

I've decided to seek help in specific review threads and I may return her if my story is rejected again.

So yes, I am withdrawing Alicorn gundam from the queue.
>> No. 112787
Gentlemen, can the CaptainSteve issue be dropped? Let him "claim" and if he delivers, and keeps delivering, remove him from the blacklist. Easy as pie.
>> No. 112791
Very well then. I'd be happy to take another look.
>> No. 112795
File 134305978602.png - (101.89KB , 450x624 , I_got_this_luna.png )
Ah! A fellow royal!
Mistakest thou not, though—we shall not go easy on thee.
>> No. 112796
File 134306003016.png - (1.35MB , 1000x1240 , discord_by_peachpalette-d4sznfs-scaled.png )
> If you were like "Okay, although it's not the best idea because people may not be that interested, you're free to try", I'd be fine. But it's the fact you make it seem like it's a terrible thing that made me butthurt and buttmad.
Well, if you made a thread, people posted their stories in there expecting responses, and then got none because you could never get around to reviewing them... Yeah, you get the idea. If OP can deliver, though, then it's all good, and since you say you have spare time now, that may well be the case.

Maybe it's because you allegedly called him an asshole and never apologized? See: >>112425
>> No. 112797
File 134306047720.png - (33.17KB , 174x169 , AweSumPony.png )
I just put it on FiMFiction BTW, just in case you want to leave a review there instead;
>> No. 112814
File 134306462451.jpg - (103.10KB , 770x897 , tumblr_m5rtgvNDVh1qkpphbo1_1280.jpg )
Uhm... I lost my review... like really lost it. Thank you Microsoft. Anyway, I'll try to do another run through using Googledocs... I apologize for the inconvenience.
>> No. 112819

Sorry for not replying sooner, I've been out of state on a vacation.

Thanks for picking up my fic for review. I've taken a look at the comments you've left and have made changes as based off your feedback.

When I was writing Chapters 8 and 9, I felt like I needed to flesh out the OC's more because I hadn't done enough with them. I would up spending the next six chapters going into their backstories and fleshing them all out to give them more depth? Was this too much? Probably. That's what you get for having fifteen OC's though.

Regardless though, I'm glad you liked what you saw. The point of Blair was to indeed show that this guy has seen war, and that he's done some stuff that's rather, well... horrifying. I'm going to go more indepth about it in a few chapters.

As for Twilight, writing about how the Elements felt like is a huge part of this story, so it was something I felt like I really had to push and get right. If you enjoyed it, then that tells me I’m going in the right direction.

Like I said, I went through and made changes based off your feedback. If you'd like to see what I changed, you can see the compilation here:


Thanks again!
>> No. 112849
Very well. We will peruse the FiMFiction copy, but only because it shall not tempt us into leaving comments in the document, which is not necessary for a story so brief. Thou seest, a public execution is so much more enjoyable, so we will lay out the entirety of thy review for all to see. As is our wont, we shall point out the most mundane of problems but once and trust that thou canst root out any further infestations of such.

>She closed her eyes in anticipation of the irritating rush of hot air, and kicked the kitchen doors open.
If thy subject performest multiple actions, thou needest not a comma betwixt them, excepting that they are not overly complex or thou then proceedest directly to a third action.

>An inverted waterfall of smoke spilled under the top of the doorframe.
It spilleth... under... the top? While we can visualize what thou meanest, it still readeth awkwardly.

>and illuminated by an ominous orange glow
When employing multiple adjectives, thou typically placest a comma betwixt them. Exceptions may be granted in cases of maintaining sentence flow, but we believe such is not the case here.

>the brown syrup cabinet
We cannot discern whether thou meanest that the syrup is brown or the cabinet.

>she she charged at the blooming pillar of incandescence
She hath doubled the fun! Huzzah!

*claps hooves*

>unleashed a cold torrent of carbon dioxide on the fire
From Wikipedia on fire extinguishers: CO2 is not suitable for use on fires containing their own oxygen source, metals or cooking media.

We are nothing if not overbearing on details. Our glee hath turned to ire, mortal!

-ly adverbs requireth not hyphenation into compound modifiers, as they hath no choice but to modify the adjective.

>On a that surface

Thou dost a magnificent impression of that droll Super Mario character!


Pardon us for a moment.

Thou hast regained our good favour, citizen! Proceed!

>Mrs. Cake frozen and contorted
Thou needest a comma after Mrs. Cake to initiate the participle.

>She frantically pressed her nose to her legs and neck
Thy frequent "she" and "her" references here hath left the last one ambiguous.

>No time for resuscitation, unless I can get her out of here, she thought.
Thou shalt not italicize the tag as well, and as the italics signifieth the thought unambiguously, thou needest not provide the tag, unless thou desirest to add an action.

>Pinkie Pie tugged the body of Mrs. Cake
The wording "the body of Mrs. Cake" striketh us as awkward.

>she marched out of the kitchen and wheezed alerts to patrons who had already departed the establishment
How doth she warn those that are not present?

>blowtorch gas canister

>once beloved
Now thou shouldst implement a hyphen.

>a directed downpour of rain
We presume that the pegasi are making a contribution here, but it is not clear.

>being pulled by a team of four stocky stallions in uniform
A comma after this phrase would improve flow.

>pulling the weight of the water clumsily pulled
Repetition of "pull" boreth us.


>It’s too late. They’re too late.
Wait... Thou art using third-person limited? The earlier use of direct thought suggesteth omniscient. We are confused. We do not like to be confused.

>The pegasi are busy pounding water out of the clouds
Ah! Thou hast given us the clarification we desired! We approve.

>Every muscle in her body gently eased out of tension of sudden and iminent oblivion.
We believe thou has skipped a "the" before "tension."

>A frozen wave of adrenaline had passed over her from her heart
Adrenaline... from her heart? Either thou requirest an anatomy lesson, or the metaphor is lost on us.

>Rainbow Dash craned her head to look into the eyes of Pinkamena Diane Pie.
Another wording that sitteth not right with us...

Why hast thou capitalized this? Hath sompeony trademarked it?

Thy writing is quite good, and we have enjoyed the story. Congratulations. Thou hast avoided oblivion. For now.

Our main complaint lieth in Pinkie's voice, both her own, and her indirect one through narration. Her speech at the end soundeth not like her normal manner of speaking, and the language in the narration tendeth toward much fancier speech than would suit her. We do not mind such language at all, but it must feel appropriate, and when such a disconnect existeth betwixt the narrator and his vehicle, it maketh a gulf that faileth to engage the reader as well as the story should. Thy narrator's voice would be better suited to a personality such as Twilight Sparkle or *ahem* me.

While thy story-telling skills are quite good, thy narrator must be a better fit for the character of focus. The bulk of the mechanical mistakes appeareth to be more oversight than ignorance.

Final mood: Bemused satisfaction.

Write thee onward, citizen!
>> No. 112853
>If a character does something, then says something, like this:

>James clambered across the wing. “Christ! Thats a long way down!”

You need to place a comma between the two instead of a full stop, to signify that it is James who is speaking:

>James clambered across the wing, “Christ! Thats a long way down!”

Don't you need a speaking verb for sentences like this?
>> No. 112861
Yes. The original version with a period was correct. A comma would require a speaking verb.
>> No. 112863
I don't recall this and I don't want a link to that, but I'll send him the apology and do it here.

I'm still removing it from the queue

I'm sorry for calling you a flankhole Azunyan
>> No. 112864
Maybe I should just withdraw from ponychan altogether, I keep making these mistakes in the social aspect.

I'm sorry I'm such an asshole to everyone.
>> No. 112867
I've written a completely clean chapter of my fic that, looking at it, might actually stand on its own. Mostly, I just want constant feedback on my work, because already I've gotten some really good direction for improvement just from readers piping up with what they thought.


This is only 1800 words long. It's about a couple of background ponies. I'd surely love it if someone gave it a thorough editing pass, but certainly don't feel obligated.

I'm not going to add this to the queue properly because I wouldn't want to take someone's attention who might otherwise give a review to someone who's been waiting. Just wanted to drop this off and hope someone'll enjoy reading it!
>> No. 112879
All right. I am finally, finally posting my review.

To start, let me apologize for how long this took. My computer up and died on me and I only just got a replacement.

I noticed the copy of your fic you submitted already had comments in it, and rather than risk it becoming laggy to the point of uselessness, I’ve taken the liberty of copying and pasting the text into a new Google doc. I gave the fic a proofread, and did my best to explain problems in my own words, since I will admit I’m not well-versed in literary terminology. You’ll find my comments at this link:


Anyway, a few things in summary:

This is an interesting take on the show’s ‘verse. I personally haven’t seen much exploration into this period of Equestrian history, and that was what initially grabbed my attention. It seems you’ve put a fair amount of thought into your worldbuilding, and I like the dark atmosphere. Your characterization of Discord in particular is really interesting--it’s a shame we don’t see more of him.

In fact, it’s really unfortunate we don’t see more of him. You’ve come up with some interesting characters, but I’m afraid they don’t really move the narrative forward much. I understand this is the beginning of the story, but to really hook your readers, you need to leave them with the sense that something exciting is going on. You hint as much in the beginning with Discord, but none of the following chapters build on that. Still, I’d be willing to read some more to see where you’re going with this.

As far as your writing mechanics are concerned, there are three major things that I spied. First, you need to hyphenate your compound adjectives. Fully half of my proofreading was marking these. The other big thing is your use of commas. A lot of the time, you use them to tack on additional clauses when simplifying things down to a single sentence would be better. Finally, you tend to have a lot of sentence fragments in your writing. Sometimes this can work in prose, but most of the time it wrecks the flow of it.

All in all, though, you’ve got a good grip on your writing. Again, I would certainly be interested in seeing where you’re going with this. Keep up the good work!
>> No. 112882

Thank you very much for your review. Sorry I didn't respond sooner; I only just got a new computer after my old one died. Luckily, I was able to recover the hard drive, so it shouldn't take too long before I get to writing more if you're interested.
>> No. 112906
Hey guys, Timid Wolf here. The guy w/that one story in the queue, Ponyville Pawn Stars. Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm seeing stories getting posted in the thread and picked up the next day or two later. Meanwhile, it's been about two weeks since I submitted mine and, well, I've added a chapter since then but heard nothing on a pending review. I'm hoping to submit this to EQD sometime soon and could really appreciate the assistance. Just putting that out there...

>> No. 112907

You reminded me of this video. :3

>> No. 112912
File 134310306865.jpg - (86.67KB , 689x618 , 134300898855.jpg )
So yeah, getting late were I am. Just wondering, what's up?
>> No. 112913
I'm sorry for being an asshole towards you and everyone here.

I'll leave you to review the other story you claimed, I'll seek help where I won't hurt anyone since I'm sure no one wants me here.

thanks for what help you were able to offer.
>> No. 112914
File 134310334327.jpg - (57.38KB , 693x960 , 149730_408956145803658_100000678274898_1291656_1191550359_n.jpg )
That happens. Some stories just sound more interesting than others sometimes, or maybe the reviewers want to do stories from authors they're familiar with. That's how the Training Grounds run sometimes, sadly. I'm on a mission to change that, and "Pawn Stars" is one of my favorite shows on the History
channel. If your story is still sitting when I get around to picking up another one (which may not be for a while) I'll do it.
>> No. 112918
File 134310369333.png - (171.42KB , 515x360 , THIS.png )
Thanks for the fast review! Amazing how hard it is to be a good editor of one's own writing. Thank you for noticing those things. I agree on just about all points.

> It spilleth... under... the top? While we can visualize what thou meanest, it still readeth awkwardly.
The monosyllabic word of clarification I should've included: "out".

>>>and illuminated by an ominous orange glow
>When employing multiple adjectives...
Thanks, I really needed that reminder. Ironically, however, you called my attention to an adjective that could be dropped with impunity.

> Italics
That's all BBCode typos in FiMFiction.

>>she marched out of the kitchen and wheezed alerts to patrons who had already departed the establishment
>How doth she warn those that are not present?
It's an attempt to state indirectly that Sugarcube Corner had cleared out already, leaving her alone, but that she tried to shout alarms anyway not knowing that. More attempts at compression.

>>blowtorch gas canister
I was constructing a compound noun, i.e. bicycle wheel. Nevertheless, it seems a stretch to use three nouns, so I'll let go of "gas" (not literally, lol) since these sentences were meant as an exercise in terseness and dropping syllables and unnecessary pauses (which in some regards I've failed at, as you demonstrated by the inappropriately-placed commas).

>>once beloved
>Now thou shouldst implement a hyphen.
Not quite sure if this is actually a compound modifier. In this context, "once" is actually more of an adverb. I dunno, should one write "very-dark night", or "truly-hilarious comic" if a helping/identity verb isn't present in the sentence, i.e. "Yesterday I read a truly hilarious comic"?

>>a directed downpour of rain
>We presume that the pegasi are making a contribution here, but it is not clear.
Exactly. Compression/inference.

>>being pulled by a team of four stocky stallions in uniform
>A comma after this phrase would improve flow.
Egads, looking at that ol' sentence I now realize it's a run-on.

>>A frozen wave of adrenaline had passed over her from her heart
>Adrenaline... from her heart? Either thou requirest an anatomy lesson, or the metaphor is lost on us.
But of course I'm aware of where adrenals and related hormones are produced. It's the sinking "oh shit" feeling that seems to come from the solar plexus that I was going for.
>> No. 112934
File 134310843852.png - (278.00KB , 750x1000 , rage_luna.png )
Agreed that there is some gray area in when to hyphenate compound modifiers. "-ly" adverbs are generally immune from such, as well as common adverbs such as "very." In other instances, some words that are obviously adverbs still commonly useth hyphens, as in "well-oiled machine." We felt that thou liest on that side of the line, but 'tis not so cut and dried.


Our apologies. We forget ourselves at times.
>> No. 112963
I understand. There's only so many of you guys available to review the all the stories getting tossed your way. I would help out and volunteer my services as a reviewer except most of my day is taken up by work and school, and what little free time I manage to find is spent either with my wife and kids or writing my own fiction.

On a side note, I'm finding out that quite a few bronies also enjoy watching Pawn Stars. When I started writing my series I thought that nobody could have anticipated the connection between the shows b/c the demographics were so different. It was thus a pleasant surprise to see all the pro-Pawn Stars support on fimfiction.net.
>> No. 112993
File 134315122958.png - (391.85KB , 1264x690 , Bon Bon195830 - Artist Joey_Darkmeat artist optimistic_outcome Bonbon colored Lyra sketch.png )
I stopped because you had so many comments in the doc, that it lagged every time I made a new one.

Okay, I forgive you. Here's hoping you get your Gundam crossover on EqD.

I was considering claiming this, but I'm not very good at comedy critique. What did the EqD prereaders say?
>> No. 112995
Millions and millions of apologies for the late review.

Overall, well written, good plot (So much so that I followed you on

fimfiction to see what you do in the future). Rewrite? Not required. Some

editing? Needed.

(added later...)
Mechanical issues here and there, story flow seems nice, battles seem

sufficiently epic, backstory portion (chp 2) written well, but still didn't

discuss the underlying causes of the war. Word choice can be inconcise at


First pass:
Chp. 1
Grammatical Errors:
-Tab at beginning of every paragraph.
-Several "False starts" to paragraphs-- don't hit enter unless you're actually meaning to start a new paragraph. Although, when you do this, it is generally appropriate to start a new paragraph.
- Slightly awkward:
>Whether she could be considered lucky for having made it through each previous time or unlucky for having lived only to engage in another nightmare was up for debate,
>It was a symbol more than anything- she was a symbol more than anything- because all of this was true.
>Killing became easy when all you saw was the back of your shield, felt was the impact of your pike, and heard- well, between all the screaming and cursing, you didn't hear anything anyway.
Get rid of "anyway". Semantics, you can disregard if you want.
>her helmet that through all of its dings still had the plume on top untouched.
>Her helmet, through all of its dings and (Add a random other adjective), still had the plume on top untouched.
>Her vision was restricted and the noise so unworldly formed that even her own voice became alien.
>Her vision was restricted, and the noise was distorted by the metal to the point it became unworldly-- so much so that even her own voice became alien.
>It wasn't horizontal like those of the enomotarchs and ouragos',
Missing apostrophe.
Also, that paragraph- not certain what "horizontal" is referring to. Please revise and elaborate.
>That'd happen once or twice before, though for the life of her she couldn't exactly remember when.
Changed tenses on "Happen". change to "Happened".
- Again, tab at beginning of every paragraph.
>Met was she by the sun's glistening rays which pierced the dark, heavy cloud cover to cast an otherworldly shade over the grassy plains before them.
Holy crap, that's not a good sentence. "She was met"
- First ******- needs to be centered.
>They were all by this stage certifiably insane, which was the best possible state of mind.
Needs to be "They were all, by this stage, certifiably insane, which was the best possible state of mind."
>She could make a battle plan and follow it through with honest, cold steel better than she could handle the sheer scale of paperwork and tiny little complaints and demands made of her time.
Get rid of "time"
> But once one steels herself to death and it doesn't come, she can become annoyed. Have it happen a dozen times and life becomes a tragic comedy.
Should be
"Steels oneself to death and it doesn't come, one can become annoyed."

-Go through and fix it. Way too many examples to cite.

Story issues:
-Not many. I'm curious at this point as to what the war is about, but then again, that works well. It gives you the feeling of confusion and hopelessness- as if they're just fighting the war because they're told to. Like good little soldiers.

Yay random social commentary.

Later note, made after reading chapter 2: war's 'bout land. Standard fare.

Chp. 2

-One glaring issue: the prereader said "Hyphen and Em dash confusion, and outright Em dash misuse." However, I have yet to see the Em-Dash at ALL. But I guess it worked.
>She continued on and on, drinking from an already empty cup before the straw itself vanished into the pink void.
>... and seeing her start to fall from her lofty position atop the family brought to Applejack the reality that nothing was permanent.
brought Applejack to.
-you seem to switch the position of words in a sentence a lot- for example:
>"You did WHAAAAT?!" The fashionista roared with fury well-deserved. Should just be "well deserved fury." I digress.
>...as rare and seemingly random a schedule date it was, she had never once been gone but half as long as this trip.
As rare and seemingly random a visit like this was, she had never been gone for but half as long as this trip.
>She was approaching the day when she would try out for the Wonderbolts and to everypony but Rainbow Dash, her inclusion was less of a process than a minor formality.
... Wonderbolts, and, to everypony....
> but never could she say the experience that brought them there was always poor
This is just a bit of a mess.
>which was striped of all form of life aside from the six ponies-

In all, it seems to take a turn for the worse in the grammar department during the second chapter.

Same as before. all of your paragraphs need indenting, paragraph spacing needs to be fixed.....

-Really, honestly good. Pinkie quotes herself a bit, but Rainbow Dash and Rarity are pretty well written. Applejack is, however, the best written of ll of the characters.
-Seems pretty solid throughout.

I really like this story, and that's saying something considering I don't normally read warfics. The characters are relatable, the battle scenes seem to make more sense than a lot of others I've seen, and it's all around well written.

I was just being nitpicky.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to either PM me on fimfiction or respond to this post.
>> No. 112997

I have good news for you: I know absolutely nothing about the show your fic is based on!

Yes, that's a good thing. Crossover fics are hard to do because they have to be fun and accessible to readers, even if they're ignorant of one half of the crossover. I will be able to tell you if your crossover stands on it's own, or if it demands too much familiarity.

There's better news, though: a quick Google described the show as "Antiques Roadshow hijacked by American Chopper's Teutul family." And I love both of those shows! This means I'll like your subject matter without being precisely familiar with the work being parodied. It's the best of both worlds.

I've already finished the first chapter, and have found nothing repulsive enough to make me stop and complain about spelling or punctuation. The rest of it shouldn't take too long.
>> No. 113003
Awesome, thanks for picking up my story! It sounds like you're just familiar enough w/the premise to give me an honest opinion. Which is what I'm really looking for, because I won't take you seriously if you just tell me it's awesome and it should be on EQD. I need the criticism to get there. Thanks again.

Here is what the EQD prereader sent me verbatim:

Specific Issues:
Comma misses
Em dash/Hyphen confusion
I suggest italics for the actual tape narration, to make it distinct and avoid confusion.
Use italics over capslock for emphasis.
Dialogue tagging mistakes
Exceedingly long intro with the video scenes. Strongly recommend you streamline this. 
And then Rarity pawns the Element of Generosity. Very tenuous Suspension of Disbelief utterly shattered.
Awkward phrasing abounds.
Stacked descriptors

This gets somewhat tedious quite quickly; the OC characters feel two-dimensional and flat, with no palpable conflict outside of profit-seeking. I don’t watch TV, so it took me some conversation to get what the television show, which unfolds in pretty much the exact manner you’re using to tell your story, is all about. Which lends me an objective opinion, as your work must stand on its own to create any substance with me. As an aside… a reality show, about pawn shop dealers… on the History channel. Wtf television. This is why I don’t watch you. In any event, this needs some considerable work, from straight out grammatical rule, to working on making your premise and characters engaging. This is strike one of three, revise wisely should you choose to resubmit. 

Best regards,
Pre-reader NW 
>> No. 113004

I can't bring myself to read it fully. It's a portal, HiE, evil overlord fic (or at least, it feels like one). I tried to give it a chance, but no my biased opinion on HiE spoiled it for me. I'm sorry. However, grammar was mostly clean, as far as I can judge with my ability, it's just subjective.
>> No. 113006
[Human in Equestria]

Former US Air Force and Blue Angels member, John Fontaine wakes up one night in the middle of a forest. Little does he know that he just woke up in the magical world of Equestria. Only seeing the show once before he must ask himself why is he there? What does he do? What lesson is there to learn? It’s not friendship, that is someone else's goal.

Chapter 1 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tZc43KwMCx2anMjgWQWGO6PwfqtU0GTLCCtR5Qn3Yqc/edit

Chapter 2 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Q8aXeszm3R7Zmxdh8AWui2O1LjudSXK8VSh8fsCmicw/edit?pli=1

Chapter 3 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DLSSuF2IT33FduYYJ-Gpld06PhwJcixkSlgxxMrjwy0/edit

Looking for an editor to check for flow, plot, grammar, and comment on chapters 1, 2, and 3.
>> No. 113039
Summary review is here:

No line-by-line, because you didn't provide a Google Doc And I am too lazy to make one. This means that technical problems (commas, em-dashes, etc) haven't been addressed. Definitely find a proofreader/grammar-nut after you've addressed my issues.

Despite the huge pile of problems I served up, I actually enjoyed many parts of your story. And the parts I didn't enjoy, I still wanted to enjoy. It needs a lot of work (you might be looking at a total rewrite, if you're seriously hardcore), but you've got a great idea and I think it's worth the effort.

There are two "Tag" issues I'd love to hear other reviewers chime in on, if at all possible:

You might consider adding the [Random] tag, not because it's "silly" and "wacky" but because you change scenes and introduce new characters quickly and frequently enough to induce whiplash. It's a natural consequence of emulating a reality show, of course: twelve second attention span and all that.

Also, I feel like you didn't push the [comedy] tag nearly hard enough. You might excuse Rarity's incredibly OOC behavior simply by pointing out how utterly ridiculous it is and making it part of the joke. Or maybe that was actually Rarity's identical twin sister, "Hilarity"!


So... yeah.
>> No. 113040
File 134317687600.jpg - (5.37KB , 225x224 , 25696344356.jpg )
Yeah this isn't really a review, but it's not a drop either, so I'm calling it reviewer feedback.

Okay here we go.

You’ve got one of the only instances where a weather report opener might actually be okay. I hope EQD won’t call you on that, but I can almost guarantee they will.

>Without warning Rainbow awoke finding herself hurdling towards the ground at a dangerous speed that made her unsure she would survive the impact.

I- what?  Okay as your reader I would like to humbly request that you allow my imagination to make it’s own conclusions. I’m not a psychologist, you don’t need to tell me exactly what you’re feeling, that’s what nonverbal cues are for.

Alright, I’m about 500 words in and I’m forcing myself to read. That shouldn’t be happening. I can see why EQD said no. Your story isn’t very engaging, because you’re spoon-feeding your reader. Give them something to chew on for a moment. Don’t just tell your reader what the character is feeling, show them. I’m going to put this down for now, and ask that you go through and re-write it. If I can’t force myself to read this, there is no way it will ever get onto EQD. That doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause, but you’ll need to make some serious revisions.

I have a challenge for you, Go back, highlight every line that directly tells something about the character you’re describing, and rewrite it as if Rainbow Dash herself is the observer – as she should be. You wouldn’t think “Oh my goodness I’m afraid, but you would notice that you’re sweating, your breathing is quick and heavy, and that you’re rooted to the spot. Anytime you’re about to describe an emotion by using its name, stop right there, and go for the symptoms instead. Make your reader do the math themselves. That will be much more engaging. This is probably the fifth time I’m saying show don’t tell, so I think it’s safe to say that it’s your main problem.

Message me on Fimfiction after it’s been redone, and I’ll pick it back up then. Otherwise I won’t be able to help you.
>> No. 113046
Review acknowledged. Thanks for your honesty, it's shown that I definitely have things to work on in this story. This is the guidance I've been looking for as a fiction, primarily b/c my writing background for the last several years has been in journalism. I apologize for the confusion w/the lack of italics on the voiceovers in the second episode. I didn't get to go back and change that during my last rewrite due to my busy work/school schedule. Also, I'm not sure why you thought it was Pinkie Pie selling the cuckoo clock in the first episode, but it wasn't. Perhaps I should rethink the "comedy" tag on this story b/c of the "silly" elements? I don't know. I'd like to respond at greater length, but at the moment I'm worn out by my constantly busy schedule and am in great need of sleep. I'll get back to you later on, thanks again for your help!
>> No. 113048
>Former US Air Force and Blue Angels member, John Fontaine
Um... Blue Angels are the Navy's flight demonstration team. Air Force has the Thunderbirds (or Thunderchickens, as Navy folks like to call them). Do you know how many people have been members of both teams?

John Fontaine, indeed. Perhaps you should have named him Gary Stu.
>> No. 113049
*as a fiction writer

See? Sleep need I now.
>> No. 113051

The problem isn't that Rarity was acting silly. No, no no! It's that she was acting inexplicably. Adding a silly tag won't help unless you make the entire story silly, or readers searching for silly stories will be disappointed. I simply suggested padding the plot medicine wit ha spoofull of comedy because a realistic excuse would be nearly impossible to do well.

>Also, I'm not sure why you thought it was Pinkie Pie selling the cuckoo clock in the first episode, but it wasn't.
Ouch. My bad.

>See? Sleep need I now.
Sleep is make... more... gooder. Yeah.
>> No. 113056
If comments were lagging up the document that much I sincerily doubt that I'll make it on EqD anytime soon, I've cleared most of them out and managed to edit most of what I've found needed to be fixed.

If you're willing I would accept your help, but I've already posted it for potential review on in SoundslikePonies and Garrot's review thread http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/110925.html and I don't want to make the mistake of asking for more than one person's help again. If they pass on it because they don't like the subject matter I may return.
>> No. 113057
Just adding this to pascoite's queue.

>> No. 113060
File 134318361189.jpg - (4.24KB , 144x144 , Telepathic.jpg )

Through Innocent Eyes posted 7/20

Claimed for the betterment of society.
>> No. 113061
Thank you for taking your time to review my fic and tell me what needs to be worked on. I will do as you have suggested and re work the story so it can be as good as it possibly can be. and thank you for the in depth description of show vs tell. I have been told to show and not tell but not quite how to do so until now. once more I thank you for your time and I will keep this in mind for future writing and the re working. when its finished I will message you on fimfiction happily awaiting a story review.
>> No. 113080
Yeah, I'm back. My kids are keeping me awake so I went ahead and did a little patching up on my story. I changed up those aside on-camera dialogues to make them flow a little smoother. Basically, I deleted the awkward clauses before and after each of them and added a simple dialogue tag within the italicized text. It's a method I started using in Episode 4, so I'm in the process of fixing the other three to reflect the same. Speaking of, I'm guessing you didn't read #4? I only ask b/c that chapter does delve a little deeper into Cash and Hoss's father-son relationship, and by the end they share an "aww" moment together. You had mentioned exploring that aspect of the family in your review, so I just wanted to let you know that it's there in case you had the time to read it. =)
>> No. 113082
Hey Hugbox? Not that I care, your willing to review my story to begin with, which I'm thankful for, but your a little late on your promise. I don't think Pinkie would appreciate that. Anyway, carry on. I'll get your review when i get it.
>> No. 113089
File 134319373630.jpg - (164.49KB , 500x494 , 149599 - colored scootaloo you_must_be_new_here.jpg )

Pic-related if you expected Hugbox to deliver anytime soon. Did you forget what happened in his dual thread with Minjask?
>> No. 113090
Tags: Adventure, Human

I would like someone to review my fic please.

Synopsis: As an ancient item has gone missing, Celestia struggles to uncover the true culprit and recover the item before the enemy's forces grow. Meanwhile a young man awakens in the ruins of a forgotten time, yet with no memory of his own. Is his appearance tied to the item? What does his presence mean for Equestria?
>> No. 113091
No worries. Thanks for giving it a chance.
>> No. 113097
>Mister Lurker

I remember when anons where actually anons instead of pseudo-anons which aren't anons at all.
>> No. 113124

Gdocs has been acting pretty terrible lately and slows down much faster now. Before, it used to take over three hundred comments before it slows down. Now it only takes about fifty.

That being said, shooting for EqD is great and all, but it shouldn't be your sole goal. If your story needs to get fixed up, shouldn't you focus on that first?
>> No. 113127
My first time on one of these neat thread things. Help would with my fic would be much appreciated.

Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life

Description: Cheerilee is a sheltered, over imaginative, home schooled filly about to start her first day at Ponyville Elementary. Lyra is an energetic hooligan with a keen interest in the unusual. Bonbon is a clueless, young pony who somehow gets pulled into her childhood friend's shenanigans. And Derpy is a clumsy, young pegasus with a troublesome past.

What happens when these four fillies are placed into the same classroom along with several other unique students? The past happens—er, happened? Just read the story...

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/35932/Weapon-of-Math-Destruction

I've submitted this story twice, but both times it got rejected for a bunch of reasons. I think I've fixed it up pretty well, but I need some help to see if there are still any problems. I'll paste what the editor said below since it's not very long.

Slightly better than before, but still a ways off. Problems with spelling (sentence/dialogue formation, poor wording), punctuation (dialogue punctuation, use/misuse/lack of commas), and show versus tell (character actions, reactions, and expression of emotion) is still pervasive within the story. This being the second strike of three, I must advise you to find an editor if possible and/or head over to Ponychan's /fic/ board for additional help with editing, you may also want to consider going over the Editor's Omnibus if you havnt already. Please note that the examples I pointed out is not indicative of all errors I noted, just the ones that stood out the most to me, please be diligent during editing and only resubmit once you believe it ready.

- Pre-reader #12

I would very much like to get this on EqD since I've spent so much time on fixing it up already instead of writing new chapters. Thank you.
>> No. 113129
Seeing as you just got dumped, I shall take this in the name of giving a fair go.


From the Shoulders of Giants

Expect a review of the first few chapters within... soon.
>> No. 113132

Don't worry about it, things happen.

>In fact, it’s really unfortunate we don’t see more of him.

He's going to be popping up here and there, but I don't plan to use him much until the end. He's a fun character though.

I'll go ahead and fix what you've pointed out. I do have a bad tendency to use commas too much...
>> No. 113134
File 134321154198.png - (98.10KB , 532x353 , sadface.png )
Yeah, I am really bad at time management. Sorry for being late--again--but it might be yet another week before you'll be getting a review from me. Do you want me to drop it so someone else can take it, or would you mind waiting yet again?
>> No. 113142
Just discovered I had to acknowledge old reviews (who knew?)

Thanks to Grif for reviewing 'Life without you'.
Also, Thanks to Umbra for reviewing 'The bachelor party.

Might I add, both of which were very helpful.

There are probably more I need to acknowledge but, as of yet, I cannot find them. Sorry to any reviewers who didn't receive a response.

I shall respond to all in future.
>> No. 113153
I have been fixing it up but I can't see the problems that other peopel can at the moment so I asked for a reviewer's help, whether or not I am able to get help remains to be seen. I think the story is fine as it is but ED disagrees
>> No. 113157
I recall there being some reviewers who had as a policy they wouldn't reject any story if the person came to them for help. Did they all jumped into a river after the experience?
>> No. 113158
File 134323323967.jpg - (156.73KB , 500x500 , spellcard.jpg )
It isn't about having someone pick out every instance of every error, you know. If AzuNyan's given you enough comments to crash your doc, methinks there's a lot of general writing advice in there that you can learn and apply yourself to the rest of your writing.

Besides, you're not in the queue because you asked to be removed. I guess you'll have to resubmit the form and wait it out... like everyone else does.
>> No. 113159

>It isn't about having someone pick out every instance of every error, you know. If AzuNyan's given you enough comments to crash your doc, methinks there's a lot of general writing advice in there that you can learn and apply yourself to the rest of your writing.

GoogleDocs has gotten so bad that even anyone mildly competent can crash it with comments within the first three pages. It can only handle around fifty comments without a permanent slowdown nowadays. It's not like in the good ol' days where it took like three hundred comments to sack a 6K document.
>> No. 113162

Haha, Cassius. I totally said the exact same thing earlier. See here.


Seems like we're more alike than you know.
>> No. 113181
Tags: [Adventure][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Whirlie Gears has wanted to fly like a pegasus ever since she was a foal, but that is no easy task for a unicorn. She's a blacksmith by trade, but fancies herself an arcane engineer. Setting out for Ponyville for a new beginning, will she become the first rocket-powered pony to take to the skies, or will her dream [literally] go down in flames?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33137/Rocket-Powered-Pony

Chapters for Review: 1: Exile? More like arrival.

The pre-reader at EqD said:
In short, your story is told in a very dry tone, and it explains a lot of intricate details in a redundant manner instead of letting the reader see the cause/effect relationship for themselves (the working jargon for this is "show, don't tell," but I dislike using buzzwords like that in a rejection letter).

For example, your third sentence,
“How was I supposed to know that clouds won’t hold up terrestrial buildings,” she muttered to herself as she walked down the road.
States an idea, that Whirlie Gears caused some amount of wreckage to Trottingham, but... (a)that seems to be standard for pony cities (Parasprites, Derpy... Ponyville gets screwed up every other week, it seems) and (b) You seem to glance over an incredibly interesting detail of the story. Destruction? Sentencing? Exile? That would be interesting to read about. It'd be a different tone than "I'm alone and sad," so that would be your call to make.

On top of the dry / redundant narration, the concept of what your story is telling has been done before, many times, by many authors, and many of them are extremely good. I'm not saying that your story is bad because it follows clichés, but at the same time, Equestria Daily standards require a bit of originality—it's why we flat-out said, "No more Dash breaks her wings" stories. What I am saying that, if you want to use these tried-and-maybe-true plot devices, you need to take a fresh spin on things so it doesn't feel like reading the same story for the dozenth time.

This is your first strike out of three; revise accordingly. For help, try taking this to Ponychan's /fic/ for a review or two.
>> No. 113223
File 134326378168.jpg - (136.26KB , 1250x703 , woohoo.jpg )
I'm going to be travelling (woohoo) for the next 4 days, so getting it done before I get back would be lost on me anyway.

It would be nice not to have to wait *too* much longer, but I'm okay waiting another week.
>> No. 113275
(To balance things out, I'll be claiming this fic for review: >>112645)

Title: Tail
Name: NumberNine99
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Dark][Sad][Adventure]

Synopsis: The alicorns have been struck by a fatal illness, and Twilight and her friends must find the cure: a panacea hidden in the deepest depths of Tartarus. But Tartarus is filled with horrors that would surely break the spirits of almost anypony, even if those spirits happen to be the spirits of harmony. Instead, Twilight and company will need the guidance of several ponies, each of whom have two things in common: they've all crossed paths with the mane six, and none of them ever learn from their mistakes.

Inspired by, but not quite based on, Braid.

Contains a slight season-three spoiler.

Chapter One G-Doc--https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KTs5jrbyrFtNMIF78FIoNWH0oZH2ar2i5Fpb6AjcG7M/edit
Fimfiction page--

This is going to be a very long story. Just throwing that out there right away. Also, the EQD pre-readers mentioned missed compound hyphens. I went through and filled in all the ones I could find, but I might've missed a few, so keep an eye out. In addition, while I was proofing, I wound up adding a lot of commas. So let me know if there are too many of those. Other than that, go nuts.
>> No. 113276

Mines of Equestria

This is the story that I shall review.
>> No. 113278
File 134327902811.jpg - (9.86KB , 251x201 , Deal With It.jpg )
Annotations can be found in the document (All comments can be found there, but Google derped and removed some of the highlighted text. Check under the “Comments” button if you don’t see them affixed to the text.) or here:


Now, let’s get to the review.

1. Plot—

a. Beginning: This story starts where it needs to. While fleshing out Moondrop’s relationship with her husband would have been a huge plus, that could have been done in a flashback.

b. Pacing: The story is paced too fast. There’s no time to get invested in the characters, and there’s no time to set the mood.

c. That bit with Pip and the ghost(?) is a superfluous accent that doesn’t add anything to the story save a mute darkness and a desire to read the story that THAT was from. (Aside from that, there are several other unnecessary scenes.)

d. Conflict/Resolution: There was conflict, but there was no satisfying resolution. Things just happened. There wasn’t an over-arching direction or place this plot was going. In short, it wasn’t a real plot, or it was an incomplete one.

e. Ending: Unsatisfactory. There was no resolution. There was no denouement. It was just “these bad things are happening, be sad about it.”

f. Recommended: Flesh out the plot. There isn’t enough meat on the bone.

2. Hook—

a. The synopsis is bland and the first scene is bland. There’s nothing there to draw me right into the story.

b. Suggested: Re-write.

3. Characterization—

a. Naming: Moondrop works. It follows pony naming conventions well enough, and doesn’t strike as out-of-place.

b. Dialogue and Action: You need more action. There wasn’t enough of it. What action is there is lacking motivation or, on some occasions, basic logic. Why would Moondrop make the decisions she did? No person sound of mind would unless there was context not revealed in the story. Also, there’s no reason given for her “client’s” actions. They are just done, mechanically, without emotion, without explanation. They feel completely out-of-place. Most of the other characters appear to act in character, but there are a few slips in Twilight’s character.

c. Physical Descriptions: There where, from what I say, none of these. Not even a coat color was seen that day. Add some description of you characters. Visualizing them is the first step to caring about them.

d. Suggested: Make the character’s motives more clear. Flesh them out as characters.

4. Point of View—

a. You’re in first person limited, and you usually write like it. Usually.

b. The shifting psychological distance from the characters is disorientating.

c. Sometimes you don’t disclose information that the PoV character knows.

d. Sometimes you disclose information that the PoV character doesn’t know.

e. Recommended: Comb through the piece again, fix the errors, and ensure that the PoV character is the one best suited for the scene being told.

5. Style— (this is probably the category dragging your fic down the most.)

a. Tone: Very, very wrong tone for the piece you’re trying to write. There’s dark tones shoehorned in for no reason. There’s sensual tones where there should be sober, distressed tones.

b. Flow and Show: Very poorly done. The flow is stilted and there very little showing going on. Add more detail and smooth out the narration.

c. Grammar and Formatting: Multiple errors. While they don’t detract that much from the story, I still suggest you read a style manual.

d. Recommended: Complete rewrite.


a. Multiple bad tags.

b. Too informal in Twilight’s case.

c. Suggested: Comb over the piece to ensure all tags are without error and the characters speak naturally.

7. Aesthetic—

a. The premise is decent, but nothing special.

b. The theme/s is/are misplaced or irrelevant.

c. The style needs a lot of work.

d. The hook needs re-working.

e. Characters have no motivation.

f. A Sad story should be sad. It causes grief and, in the darkest moment, gives catharsis. Your story does none of that.

g. Your pony element is superfluous. This is the single worst thing that you could do. Removing or replacing the ponies would not hurt this story, meaning they aren’t integral.

h. Overall, this is a story with a fairly weak premise unaided by the numerous mechanical and stylistic errors.
>> No. 113282
>4a: You're in third person limited.

I really shouldn't be doing this at midnight
>> No. 113284
File 134328048320.png - (493.98KB , 900x675 , discordoffice.png )


I always use Word to edit these, only because I don't have consistent Internet. Sorry if that is an inconvenience.
>> No. 113288
File 134328396507.png - (399.20KB , 840x472 , thesis_cover.png )
Title: Thesis
Author: Pav Feira
Tags: [Romance][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: After years of study under Princess Celestia's tutelage, Twilight Sparkle submits a culmination of what she's learned. When her paper is rejected, she realizes that revisions are in order: revisions to her understanding of herself, and revisions to her thesis.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JuhY7LIa1UyGZIN3T0fb055saRBZCby5lzix0qI422c/edit

Comments: After mulling this thing over for way-too-damn-long, tweaking and retweaking the final scene, and eventually listening to everyone and writing an outline for five more chapters, I think I'm ready to humbly submit this to TTG. If you happened to have read the version from the last Write-Off, there's some minor tweaks which should (hopefully!) address some of the critisms and nudge this back along the right track. Most notably, this is now chapter one out of six, rather than a one-shot, so we will eventually see aftermath and closure.
>> No. 113291
DuncanR, I've provided my own feedback on your findings via comments in the Google Doc. Feel free to peruse at your convenience.

In the meantime, I'd appreciate the assistance of a grammar stickler coming through at least the first episode of my fic to check my checking. I'm sure there are many mistakes that have slipped past me in my review.
>> No. 113297
Okay then. Well I think most of the issues should be cleared up. The dialogue is still bothering me to no end though so I'll do as you advised and go get a second a opinion.

Hopefully dealt with the largest paragraph issues.

Just one thing though.

In the sentence
"I lie back down, making sure not to get in the sun's rays."
is it "lie" or "lay" ?

Okay off to go submit this to someone else's review thread
>> No. 113306

Lay is past tense.

I can't say much about whom you should go for, but best of luck to you Fullmetal. May the readers treat you well!
>> No. 113307
File 134329066018.png - (174.82KB , 430x430 , Lyra_Heartstrings_id.png )

Hello there! May I claim this fic? I promise I'll do my best. :D
>> No. 113316
If you're not CaptainSteve, there's no reason you can't. And if you are CaptainSteve, you can claim; it just won't be recognized on the spreadsheet until you deliver on that claim.

I'm more in favor of having him post a review without a claim first. If he posts a review, then the issue can be dropped. It seems easier that way, since if he doesn't deliver, someone waiting doesn't get shafted. That does raise the possibility that whatever fic he's reviewing gets claimed and reviewed in the meantime, but the odds of that happening are... slim, in my opinion.
>> No. 113317
Lots to fix here. Thanks for all the info, really appreciate it.
Also, I probably should have mentioned, this is only chapter 1 of a full story, so it isn't the full thing. Does this change anything?
>> No. 113318
File 134329965326.png - (105.41KB , 439x500 , 065_Alakazam_Sharenators_Very_Own_Pokdex-s439x500-83883-580.png )
That is sort of—

That's actually very important information.

>Does this change anything?
It only changes things that can be helped through adding, not editing or removing. You still have a lot of work to do to get it up to snuff.
>> No. 113350
File 134332332583.png - (168.27KB , 1157x1061 , 91877 - artist-a01421 smile twilight_sparkle vector_png_jpeg.png )

Hey, man. Much thanks for your review. I don't have time to thoroughly look through the chapters right now, but I'll probably get around to it this weekend. I did take a quick glance, however, and from what I saw, your comments are both witty and extremely helpful. I appreciate your good humor.

If I have any specific concerns, I'll be sure to shoot you an email.
>> No. 113352
File 134332428110.jpg - (118.00KB , 1192x670 , super_mario_world_3__by_yalcahoon-d4rudrp.jpg )
I don't normally allow myself the indignity of rating a story with numbers or whatever, because I find it demeans both the reviewer and the reviewed. But in this case, I will break with tradition and offer you a some-amount-of-stars rating for this story.

Because yes: it is always stars.
>> No. 113358
Picture should've been Derpy.
>> No. 113374
It was a sad day for me when FIMfiction dropped the star ratings. It fit so well with my story.

Anyway thanks for picking my story up.
>> No. 113394

Daring Do and the Power of the Goddess

I'll be reviewing your story, if that's alright with you.
>> No. 113396
I've finished reading the story over, and the review is almost ready to go, but I have to rewrite part of it to make it more... what's the word? Useful. That's it.

Also, has this been reviewed before? If so, would you be willing to let me read over the previous review?
>> No. 113414
File 134335249002.jpg - (6.53KB , 255x197 , 23472502.jpg )
Um, did I miss something? I've been trying to follow this thread since I got here, but I have no idea who Captain Steve is.

Also, since I'm here
>>113275 Claiming this.
I probably won't be able to pick out compound hyphens, but I can give you the other stuff, and there's always the editors omnibus, and tvtropes.
>> No. 113417
You really want to see that? If you really want to...

From CyborgSamurai:
Grammar Review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jwfvDtj-e7OwEXy6HEfYzLKoVeHpdzELtM8bG248os4/edit
Summary & Feedback Review: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V6H2Oj-K_LZVJbuqyXQj8rv_EQFvqLnmpLGWhA4Tr-Y/edit
>> No. 113428
So... it's been a while, eh? Mind if I ask what's up?
>> No. 113442

Alright, review complete. I left a TON of comments on your Doc, but I think I'll write a summary here anyway.

Your main issues are phrasing and pacing. Sentence structure is a little off, and every scene is about as fast as the one before it. To fix phrasing issues, record yourself reading the story. Your ears will probably pick up on anything that sounds awkward. As for pacing, find all the action scenes and trim the fat.

The plot of the story is pretty cool. Don't give up!
>> No. 113453
Wow. This was really difficult for me, but not because it was too technical. Quite the opposite: I spend most of the review talking about the story itself and the character interactions.

Just so you know, I'm terrified that this is all just my personal opinion, and that I may be giving you bad advice. I'm always sure to voice my feelings in a review, but this was much more subjective than I'm used to. I don't know if this was the type of advice you wanted, and I don't know if it will actually be useful, but I do believe in what I've said and I stand by my review. If you are unhappy with my review, I won't be offended.

Review can be found here:
No line by line. There were technical problems, but I specifically chose to focus on broader issues.
>> No. 113480
File 134339090445.jpg - (14.21KB , 220x357 , 220px-Alby_Lowerson_P02939.jpg )
Your VC Winner: SGT Albert Lowerson, awarded for his actions on 31AUG1918. With men of his 21st Division stranded upon the left side of the fiercely defended Mont St Quentin, Lowerson realised the only way to stop the slaughter of weary 2nd Division soldiers was to charge up the right side, and take the offending machine gun post from the flank. With a seven man raiding party, Lowerson raced up the right flank, weaving through sniper fire and rifle nests before using hand grenades to clear out the offending machine gun post. 30 surviving German soldiers, stunned by the unexpected ANZAC assault, immediately surrendered with their 12 machine guns. With the Aussies safe to advance on the left, Lowerson held the right, bleeding profusely from his thigh, refusing to budge from the front line until all the prisoners had been removed and the position had been safeguarded against counter attack.
So, seeing as you don’t have a G-Docs copy of From the Shoulders, and as its an 8 parter, I shall be doing brief, grammar light (although from what I can see, your Grammar does need a serious go over) and plot heavy reviews in bunches of two or three, to keep the feedback as constant as possible.

Without further or do,

Review of From the Shoulders of Giants by Za Raapini


Chapter 1
Things to cover:
-Minor Punctuation Issues
-Plot comments

Minor Punctuation Issues.

What I notice a lot is finicky dialogue punctuation, especially of the character’s internal monologue. What often happens is people will write normal narration that then descends into what appears to be thought. An example from the first section:

>Idiots. He heard Cintron start talking again, about soil density this and gradient that and blah-de-fuckity-blah, and magic-

>Wait. Did he just say magic?

So, initially, you make it clear that he is thinking by using italics. This is fine, but then you regress back into thought for the last part of the sentence, and ask a hypothetical question. This is bad, because it can lead to confusion about what is the character's thought, and what is your narration. It’s a shift in view from third to first person, and even though your prose is far more relaxed than other styles, this sort of relapse from describing events to providing your opinion on them is undesirable. So, it appears that you are well versed in dialogue punctuation so I shan't bore you with it, but what you should do here is punctuate all thought by using Italics. Anything that seems like dialogue rather than narration should probably be re-written as such.

Secondly, I noticed a few rampant tense changes here and there. I won't go through them all here, like I would if you had a G-docs link, but I’ll just say that there are quite a few, so when you go back over what you’ve written to fix all the niggly dialogue, just remember to keep an eye out for these tense changes.

Onto the plot (snicker)

So, to review chapter one:

A young accountant is half asleep during a secretive and high level DARPA presentation concerning the creation and possible uses of a ‘portal’ of some kind. This young accountant, somewhat out of his element and totally bored shitless, only manages to catch the specker mention some sort of ‘magic’, which fuels this mysterious portal. But, it appears this doctor, who discovered the portal, has only been on the team for a few weeks. Hmm, plot twist I see?

Moving on, we are confronted by two unidentified, and rather rude, voices who are moving toward the second part of their doubtlessly insidious plan.

Back to the action, and we are now in langley, sitting in the most powerful room in the world, apparently. The US, having seen the error of their collective ways, is looking to make peace in a “multilateral effort to ramp things up a bit”.

And then something about a new world, with one voice throwing out ideas about special forces, for some reason. With blatant disregard for human life, or the well being of those beyond the portal, stealthy missions are being suggested and enforced by a singular, unnamed character. This gentleman must hold sway amongst his peers, because even with a slap dash argument the souls within all unanimously agree that it is the best thing to do. But wait! It would appear that this general was killed a week later, in a suspicious and poorly formatted car crash!

We are then introduced to a stoic and rather bad-arse sounding Gunny by the name of Alan Johnson (Sargent Johnson... geddit?). Contemplating the achievement of acquiring air support from NATO, and ground forces from Russia and France. They all have orders to shoot to kill, basically.

And then Rainbow Dash

Look, I’m not going to arse about, because I agree entirely with what the EQD readers said. This chapter makes no sense. I shant bore you with macro criticisms though, because I’m acutely aware of how annoying it is getting told to completely re-write after submitting. However, there are quite a few things that you can fix, like the occasional plot hole.

One example being the introduction of the Gunny. You said in the previous section that every one was given two months two prepare, but then mention 4 months in this section.

Another thing I think you could work on is Bowers character. If I was a young accountant, searching up leads on dodgy accounting, by being invited to a high level DARPA presentation on cross dimensional transportation, I would be extremely well interested. This a portal to another world, even if he doesn’t understand what the big maths is, he would at least be on the edge of his seat.

Thirdly, in that second section, with the generals and peace conferences, you really, really, need to be more obvious about what is going on. There was so much that just didn’t make sense, because it was improperly introduced. This is a peace conference we are talking about, so why would a portal, with strategic and military uses, even being brought to the table? When you change this section, make sure that it's clear why things are happening, especially here.

Now, I was going to do a little bit more, say chapters two and three, but I just read the first paragraph of chapter 2 and noticed at least 7 punctuation errors. Can you please, please please please please, put this onto G-docs? That way, I can comment on the things you need to work on rather than just telling you about a major issue and letting you go fix it yourself. Please? It aren’t that hard ^_^ But if you really don’t know how, than send me an email, and we’ll discuss it further, okay? Until you get that done, I’ll keep reviewing like above, but mention the bits and bobs you need to fix, rather than those that deserve comment on, in the comments. Cool? Cool.
>> No. 113483
File 134339126926.jpg - (89.58KB , 640x360 , 2012-07-26-142218.jpg )
Thank you for taking it. Sorry for the very late reply, I was (and am) out of town. As in Japan. As in, where I got the image next to this post.
So yeah.

Still, thank you very much for claiming my fanfiction.
>> No. 113487
If needed I can provide a Gdocs for the author if he doesn't have one. I copied the story to it. Just give the order.
>> No. 113491
File 134339461145.jpg - (9.90KB , 256x256 , it\'s cool, just post poni.jpg )
Well aren't I just impatient? I got bored of waiting on this in Kurbs and Lunarshadow's thread, so I'm dropping it here too. it's only been through a characterization check as of yet, so it's pretty much hot off the press. I need tags and other stuff don't I? The title is probably also helpful, so here you go:

Title: Showmare
Author: Bleeding Raindrops
Tags: [Normal][Sad]
Words: 4574
Synopsis: Homeless, and struggling to survive, Trixie returns to Ponyville two years after losing everything to the Ursa.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17XJeELnpIFBDyouSpbaTrbTq4V2oWi76hb2LYSpQsAo/edit?pli=1

I think that's it-oop, almost missed that submission form, good to use that huh?
I'm wondering if anypony that looks at this could help me out with a question that's been sitting in-Doc since I wrote it, concerning Baltimare.
>> No. 113528
Thanks for the review.
I think I will post my objectio--I mean my concerns in the comment section of your gdoc.
>> No. 113541
Title: Twilight's Odyssey

Tags: Alternate Universe, Adventure, Slice of Life

Synopsis: In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power, a young Twilight Sparkle's loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion that won't just take her further beyond the borders of Equestria than anypony before her, but will also change the fates of both the nation and her life, forever.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24518/Twilight%27s-Odyssey

Note: Unpublished story, still a WIP, but the prologue and chapter one are the closest to finished.

>> No. 113545
File 134341682873.gif - (4.86KB , 256x192 , apollo-bashful(d).gif )
Hello all, I was just curious because I have five stories that I'm trying to submit to EQD, but two of them already received the reviews are just about ready to go, but I need reviews for three more, and I'm not sure if I'd be eaten alive by the more cantankerous of the reviewers here for doing such a thing.
>> No. 113546

I'm not sure if Cassius visits the Training Grounds anymore, so who knows. I'm wondering the answer to this question myself. After all, some of these people might actually be pseudonyms and all written by the same person.
>> No. 113549
File 134341788248.png - (1.64MB , 1600x900 , Rarity rainy_by_twilightsquare-d4khb0l.png )
>“Lovely… lovely… blech, horrid…lovely…” Rarity said as she analyzed each individual apple before gently setting it in the bucket with her magic.
“Lovely… lovely… blech, horrid…lovely…” Rarity said as she analyzed each individual apple before gently setting them in the bucket with her magic.

>“Hmmm, nice and plump, dazzling green hue.” she said while the apple levitated in front of her.
“Hmmm, nice and plump, dazzling green hue,” she said while the apple levitated in front of her.

Dialog with a “said” tag should end with a comma. Now, if you had given me a Google docs link, then I could comment and point out every time you made a punctuation mistake. But you didn’t, so I can’t. So I’m only going to mention punctuation mistakes once.

>“Ah HA!” the white unicorn exclaimed
>the white unicorn
L.U.S. Lavender Unicorn Syndrom. We know Rarity’s name, so it’s downright rude to call her “the white unicorn.” Unless we don’t know their name yet, only use the character’s name or s/he.
Seriously, go through and change all of these!

>...as she shook her head disappointingly before casting the fruit aside.

>She raised an eyebrow and gave an annoyed sigh as...

>“Rarity! What in tarnation have ya’ll been doing this whole time?”
Ya’ll means “you all” implying more than one.

>Rarity replied not breaking her focus as she slowly spun another apple in front of her.
Rarity replied, not breaking her focus as she slowly spun another apple in front of her.

>Rarity gave the earth pony an offended stare.

>“Rarity! Ah done told ya’ll just to get the apples out of the trees!
“Rarity! Ah done told ya just to get the apples out of the trees!

>For Celestia’s sake, we been out here fer three hours and all ya’ll got is a half a bucket full of apples!?”
For Celestia’s sake, we been out here fer three hours and all ya got is a half a bucket full of apples!?”

Your character’s are just talking heads here. I know they’re doing something as they talk. Show us!

Like here, she obviously just turned up her head. Show it!

>She cast an aggravated looked at Rarity...

>“Yer tellin’ me, this teeny tiny, eensy weensy, spot makes ya’ll think this is a rotten apple?
“Yer tellin’ me, this teeny tiny, eensy weensy, spot makes ya think this is a rotten apple? Yer just plum crazy if ya think this here apple ain’t useful!”

>Applejack calmly retorted...

>Rarity was beginning to get highly annoyed.

>“Trust me if ah could’ve found any other pony available ah woulda, but the prissy princess was the only one with a free schedule.”
“Trust me if Ah could’ve found any other pony available Ah woulda, but the prissy princess was the only one with a free schedule.”

“Ah” when used in place of “I” is always capitalized. I can’t point out all of them.

>Applejack said before trotting up to a tree and kicking it with her back legs causing all the apples to fall in her buckets.
Applejack said, before trotting up to a tree and kicking it with her back legs, causing all the apples to fall in her buckets.

>the unicorn roared overconfidently.
LUS and tell.

>She just about had it with the earth pony’s cynicism.

>Granted she wasn’t nearly as strong as the orange equine but at least one apple should’ve fallen.
Granted she wasn’t nearly as strong as the orange equine, but at least one apple should’ve fallen.

>The unicorn growled in frustration
>in frustration

>After about five minutes...
New paragraph

>She leapt up and tackled Applejack,
She leapt up and tackled Applejack.

>they rolled around for a while, each trying to pin each the other. The earth pony clearly had the upper advantage in physical strength, but the unicorn was putting up a decent fight. Eventually, after minutes of pony scuffling Rarity ended up on top of Applejack.
Tell and LUS

>She was quite impressed at the white pony’s hidden toughness.
LUS... And I’m not sure if this Tell is justified.

>“Ya’ll alright Rarity?”
“Ya alright Rarity?”

>“Easier to get things done ‘round the farm when it’s in a ponytail I reckon.”
Ponytail? ponytail... ponytail... My head is spinning.

>“Ah like the look, is that fer yer western fashion line?” Applejack chortled.

>Rarity gave the orange pony a confused look before she realized that Applejack’s hat was on her head which made her giggle.
Rarity gave her a confused look before she realized that she was wearing Applejack’s hat. She giggled.

Or something like that.

>“I beg to differ, it actually looks kinda good on ya, why I’d fancy you’d make a darn good-looking rodeo gal!”
NO! Either use “Ah” or “I” No switching!

>Rarity blushed at the kind-hearted pony’s compliment
Tell and LUS

>The feeling in her stomach intensified,
New paragraph. Seriously this is a wall of text.

>Did she just…?
New paragraph.

>The unicorn stepped away covering her mouth with one hoof while Applejack’s hung open;
LUS. New paragraph. (Just trust me on this. It’ll give the previous sentence more impact.)

>“Oh look at the time! Rarity suddenly cried.
“Oh look at the time!” Rarity suddenly cried.

Pinkie doesn’t even talk like this...

>I should get going! Bye Applejack!”

>Rarity said as she dashed off at breakneck speed leaving Applejack’s hat behind.
Rarity said as she dashed off at breakneck speed, leaving Applejack’s hat behind.

>That was the first time she could’ve sworn she’d seen anypony move faster than Rainbow Dash.
Don’t make comparisons like this.

>Applejack sat down, picked up her hat and scratched her head too stunned to even think.
Applejack sat down, picked up her hat and scratched her head, too stunned to even think.

>Several hours had passed.
It’s a new chapter. We don’t need to be told this. The following sentence even implies it.

>She knocked on the door. No answer. She knocked again. No answer still.
Rewrite this so it’s one sentence.

>Rarity was definitely home, she could hear the busy sounds of her sewing machine along with the clopping of her hooves.
So Rarity’s... pleasuring herself with her sewing machine?

>“Rarity, ah know ya’ll don’t have any dresses to be workin’ on, will ya just talk to me?”
“Rarity, Ah know ya don’t have any dresses to be workin’ on. Will ya just talk to me?”

>the unicorn said in the best oblivious voice she could pull off.
LUS and Tell

>“Yeah, but… then somethin’ else happe-”
“Yeah, but… then somethin’ else happe—”

>and threw two oversized sheets of both up,
Awkward phrasing

>Applejack walked over to the unicorn who then moved to her sewing machine, when the earth pony followed, the white mare had moved to her table, and as the earth pony again tried to get within three feet of her, she moved to look out the window.
Awkward phrasing, LUS, and it’s a run-on.

They’re still too much like talking heads.

>Applejack glared at Rarity for a solid ten seconds.
Don’t mention exact measurements of time unless somepony’s looking at a clock.

>Applejack said flatly

>“if’in ya’ll won’t talk to me bout it,
“if’in ya won’t talk to me bout it,

>maybe ah can ask Twilight to see if she can find somethin’ bout it in one a her boo-whoa!”
maybe Ah can ask Twilight to see if she can find somethin’ ‘bout it in one a her boo—whoa!”

>...then gave a concerned glance to the unicorn as...
LUS and tell

>“Ya’ll alright sugarcube?”
“You alright sugarcube?”

“Fine FINE!”

No! Rarity doesn’t talk like this.


And more talking heads.

>Applejack said flatly.

>Applejack’s concerning and inquisitive eyes

>and searched every crevice of her brain for a reasonable answer but to no avail.
and searched every crevice of her brain for a reasonable answer, but to no avail.

>...I’ve ever met even if your ways can be a bit brutish at times.
...I’ve ever met, even if your ways can be a bit brutish at times.

>“Well, seein ya tryna buck those apples,
“Well, seein’ ya tryin’ buck those apples,

>“Applejack…I’m not…that is to say I…I like…colts…”
“Oh no, no…ah…ah do too sugarcube.” Applejack assured.
This always seems like cheating to me. “They might be lesbians, but you still totally have a chance with them!” I’d cut it, unless this also has SpikeXRarity shipping too (or something.)

>“Same here Rarity.” the country mare said smiling warmly.
“Same here, Rarity,” Applejack said, smiling.

>They hugged each other;
Write this in a more flowery way.

>The earth pony gave her a friend a comforting smile.

Individual lines of dialog do not need their own paragraph when the previous one is the actions of the speaker.

>Applejack let herself out. Rarity slumped and sighed watching her walk back to Sweet Apple Acres.
You could probably cut this.

>The last person to speak to her was Fluttershy for their usual spa get together.
>Fluttershy would give an update on her animals, and Applejack would talk about business on the farm.
See if you can cut down on the exposition a little here. And it might have more impact if Rarity didn’t see her friends because of her meeting with Applejack.

>Twilight said apologetically.

>“Me too. It’s just this poor little girl bunny was so defenseless; I just had to nurse her back to health.” Fluttershy said.
“Me too. It’s just this poor little bunny was so defenseless, I just had to nurse her back to health,” Fluttershy said.

>She looked over at Angel who glared at her then resumed frolicking with the other animals.
too random

>Pinkie said imitating the fussy unicorn sparking more laughs from the gang.
Slightly awkward phrasing

>She was tryna sort the good apples from the bad apples before she had even knocked ‘em all out the tree!”
She was trying ta’ sort the good apples from the bad apples before she had even knocked ‘em all out the tree!”

>Fluttershy queried in shock.

>The brown owl landed on his owner’s back and Twilight started on her way back to the library.
LUS (Yes really)

>Fluttershy gave Applejack a confused look.

>Fluttershy smiled. “Um, ok then, thank you Applejack.” Fluttershy kneeled down to Opalescence.
>“Now be a good kitty cat and do whatever Applejack says ok?”
You don’t need two paragraphs here. I’ve been seeing this mistake a lot. Go through the fic and combine some of these paragraphs.

>The cat gave Fluttershy an apathetic look. The yellow pony gave her a cold, demanding stare and...

>“Just to be on the safe side.”
Who’s saying this?

>“That’s some gift ya’ll got there Fluttershy.”
“That’s some gift ya got there Fluttershy.”

Why are you making this a new chapter? Is was one thing before, when they were separated by a few days, but here it’s only been a few minutes.

>The earth pony’s eyes widened with astonishment.
LUS and tell

>As Applejack walked forward staring in awe at the creations, Rarity bumped right into her, breaking her focus and stopping all tasks at once.
Put a little more detail into this part. What happened to all the stuff flying everywhere?

>Rarity shook her head and looked up adjusting her red sewing glasses as she did so.
Rarity shook her head and looked up, adjusting her red sewing glasses as she did so.

More talking heads...

>“Oh, ah just decided to stop by and see how ya’ll were doin.”
“Oh, Ah just decided to stop by and see how you were doin’.”

>Her eyes moistened a bit, she admitted to herself that deep down she was afraid that Applejack thought differently of her after the “incident” but such a nice gesture confirmed to her that nothing about their friendship had changed.

>The nitpicky unicorn was...
LUS and tell

>“Forgive me; I haven’t eaten since I started. Thank you so much Applejack, this was so thoughtful.”
“Forgive me, I haven’t eaten since I started. Thank you so much Applejack, that was so thoughtful of you.”

>Rarity stuffed another apple turnover into her mouth and used her magic and began resuming all the tasks she had temporarily halted.
Very awkward phrasing

>Applejack thought for a second then came up with an idea.

>“Say, why don’t ah help ya'll finish these dresses?”
“Say, why don’t Ah help ya finish these dresses?”

>“Oh Applejack that’s a good one darling.”
“Oh, Applejack, that’s a good one.”

>Applejack was befuddled.

>It didn’t seem like much that one occassion when she, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy helped make Rarity’s dress for the gala,
It didn’t seem like much that one occasion when she and her friends helped make the gala dresses.

>The oblivious country mare had...
LUS and tell

>“Now I understand what you saw when you were watching me trying to do your work.”
Slightly awkward phrasing.

>Applejack blushed. Rarity nuzzled her.
Write this in a more flowery way.

>“Alright, last one!”
Why is this in a new paragraph if it’s the same speaker?

>“Both, thank you so much Applejack for your help today. You were of great assis-”
“Both, thank you so much, Applejack, for your help today. You were of great assist—”

>Rarity yawned and smacked.
And smacked what?

>She gently slipped out of the final gown and placed it on Rarity’s table.
Applejack would do it faster than this. Rarity’s life is worth more than a dress, no matter how expensive.

>She looked...
>She inhaled...
>She rubbed...
She she she

>“Ya passed out right after ya’ll finished yer last dress.
“Ya passed out right after you finished yer last dress.

>And you smelled sweatier than a hog getting chased by a horse, so ah thought ah’d run ya a bath.”
And you were sweatier than a hog getting chased by a horse, so Ah thought Ah’d run ya a bath.”

This was brought to my attention in the IRC:
[17:06] <CoS> >sweatier than a hog getting chased by a horse
[17:06] <CoS> wait, you mean ponies ride horses in this universe? That... that is f'ed up beyond all compare
[17:07] <CoS> Lyra would probably have a field day about it, though

>It still wasn’t quite enough for the unicorn though but she had to be patient about this.
Eh... I’m not sure about this.

>The two ponies exchanged sweet smiles.
Write this in a more flowery way.

>why don’t you enjoy this relaxing bath with me?”

Oh, mention something about Applejack undoing her ponytail... err... mane.

>Applejack raised a brow.
You said this already.

>Silence sliced through the room.

>Rarity ended up on top of Applejack again, whose neck below was submerged under the water while Rarity’s lower half was only semi immersed.
Slightly awkward phrasing and a bit of a run-on.

>“Uhm…nope… yer fine.” managed to say as her gaze fell upon the unicorn’s lips.
“Uhm…nope… yer fine,” Applejack managed to say as her gaze fell upon Rarity’s lips.

>Applejack rested her head in the tub in a way so she wouldn’t be completely submerged under the water allowing Rarity to adjust her body to rest on top of the orange pony’s as they kissed.
Too long! This interrupts the moment.

>They turned their heads slightly; both releasing gentle moans as they exchanged body heat making the bath feel more like a jacuzzi.
This is unintentionally funny. Cut the part about the jacuzzi.

Why is this rated “everyone” on FimFic?

>Rarity didn’t need to hear anymore.

>...before she got out of the tub, dried off and slipped on her robe.
Too short. Wasn’t Rarity dead tired? Shouldn’t she be even more tired now?

>The elegant unicorn
>the gorgeous country equine.
LUS and tell

More talking heads.

>“Are you just sparing my feelings? Or do you lo-…actually care…about me?”
Who said that?

>“Now just wait one cotton-pickin’ minute ya’ll invited me to sleep over witcha!”
“Now just wait one cotton-pickin’ minute, you invited me to sleep over witcha!”

>“But, I thought ya’ll loved doin all that fancy shamncy fashion stuff?”
“But, I thought ya loved doin’ all that fancy shamncy fashion stuff?”

>“I said…sometimes… I just wish I had somepony…”
What? This makes no sense. They have each other.
>“It’s not just that Applejack…most of the colts I’ve talked to seem sincere at first…but they all turn out to like me only for my looks, I can barely hold a conversation with most of them…sometimes…I just want somepony to listen…to hold me…to tell me—”

>“Heh, now ah get why ya’ll go to the spa so much!
“Heh, now Ah get why ya go to the spa so much!

>Rarity blinked; she scoffed and began to turn away again. Applejack pulled her back.
More flowery.

>Rarity looked at Applejack in shock.

>Rarity tried to say sincerely but her giggles were fighting their way out.

>Applejack said apathetically.

>Rarity placed a gentle kiss on Applejack’s lips. The orange mare blushed.
>Rarity snuggled against Applejack and yawned.
More flowery!

>Applejack looked into Rarity’s eyes.
Applejack gazed into Rarity’s eyes.

Wall of text!

>“They bribed you just to get me to talk to them!?”
I skipped ahead after that text wall. It appears I didn’t miss anything importaint.

Alright that’s the end of chapter four. Since you keep making the same mistakes over and over, I’m going to stop here. But if you want me to review the rest, I will.

Now, the early chapters didn’t have that much in the way of conflict, and I’ve been told that the later ones are don’t really either (feel free to correct me on this.) This should give you some ideas on how to add conflict. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SoYouWantTo/WriteAYuriManga

But it’s your fic, if you want to keep it a fun fluffy non-story, I won’t try to stop you.


Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: You often call character by physical descriptions instead of their names or s/he. Stop it!

Show don’t Tell: See the link towards the top.

Missing commas ...This one’s pretty self explanatory.

Talking Head Syndrome: No one acts like a perfect statue while talking, show what they’re doing while speaking.

Too many paragraphs: Yes, really. Go through and combine as many as you can, while still keeping the “new idea; new paragraph” mantra.

And lastly, your prose could be a bit more flowery in some parts, especially since this is a [shipping] fic.
>> No. 113550
Why don't you post 'em and and see. I mean, if the combined word-count is less than 15k, then it shouldn't be a problem.
>> No. 113551

Jebus, AzuNyan. That's a nice long review. Me likey.
>> No. 113552
Uhh.. er... it's going to without a doubt exceed 15K...
>> No. 113570
Well, I don't recall anyone ever listening to Cassius' "hate" rants anyway.

In any case, people are likely ignore the other stories unless you help out the queue. That's about it.
>> No. 113574
File 134342310994.jpg - (15.82KB , 293x294 , 32a.jpg )
That'd be a fair trade. For every extra story you want reviewed at once, you have to pick up a story and review it yourself.
If you do that and no one else has picked you up, I'll review your stuff myself. Sound good?
>> No. 113587
File 134342828711.jpg - (229.72KB , 750x563 , ed161.jpg )
Sounds like an equivalent exchange to me! Just let me finish my other editing jobs before I drop anything in here and pick anything up.
>> No. 113588
File 134342866278.gif - (42.55KB , 250x250 , 9c8.gif )
I don't check this thread all too often and posts are easily swallowed by its (relatively) fast pace, so if you need to hit me up use my Email.
>> No. 113625
File 134344036350.jpg - (6.83KB , 201x250 , 5685824718.jpg )
Most of it’s in the Doc.

Your first few paragrapghs are very choppy; the sentences are all fragmented and don’t flow properly. Try to patch that up. You need to work on Blueblood’s characterization a little more for the effect you want, but overall it’s not a bad story, I look forward to seeing the rest of it come to life.

Feel free to follow up with me via the comments on the Doc, and I believe this concludes the review.
>> No. 113626
File 134344193437.jpg - (32.73KB , 600x323 , 130313575789.jpg )
Hmmmmmmm. I think... yep. Claimin'

Sweet Escape by Bob from bottles

Expect your review by tomorrow, classic green-text all the way.
>> No. 113631
Thank you AzuNyan for that indepth analysis. I have drastically fixed my grammatical errors and comma usage after doing some extensive research to realize the way I was writin gwas completely wrong.
I have a query, I'm having a bit on an issue with Show vs. Tell, what's the best way to express a character's annoyance, and other emotions as they speak without using these adjectives? I understand that such usage provides for a bit of simplistic writing but I need to be further educated on a better way. Also, how can I escape LUS syndrome without using the character's names or pronouns too frequently? I'm new to ponychan so I'm still trying to understand how the site works but please feel free to email me ([email protected]) with answers! Thanks again! >>113549
>> No. 113638
Tags: [Dark][Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: Government in Equestria has been a monarchy ruled by Celestia for 1000 years. What happens when Luna returns?
The younger ruler doesn't seem to appreciate the changes her sister made while she was away.
A revolution ensues and the fate of Equestria lies in the balance.
Who will decide the future of the nation and all who dwell within it?

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16825/The-Cost-of-Utopia#new_comment

Which chapters I would like to have reviewed: All current, 1-14

Comments/requests: If you wish to edit on google docs email me so I can put your name in the doc so it will let you edit.
I may have another person coming through and editing this fic as well, just to be safe.
If unsure of anything message me on fimfiction or send me an email.
I am currently my only prereader/ editer.
If interested in reviewing more chapters once I write them please email me.
>> No. 113639
>how can I escape LUS syndrome without using the character's names or pronouns too frequently?
Write an all OC (except for maybe the main character) story where a pony goes to a new town or something. Then make sure that the OCs never tell your main character their names. Yes, this is the only way.

Though I will admit that the LUS was mostly justified in the Doctor Who crossover fic "The Three Whooves," but only because it had three different characters named "Doctor."

Also, if you put your email address in the "Email" section, then we can email you by clicking on your name.
>> No. 113641
Tags: [Dark]

Synopsis: So begins yet another chilly autumn in Equestria. While making her annual preparations for the winter, Twilight Sparkle comes across four jet black volumes in a dilapidated section of the Canterlot Archives. With Princess Luna's blessing, Twilight begins the long, arduous process of translating the ancient tomes. Before long, she begins experiencing horrifying dreams and visions of distant dimensions and indescribable monstrosities.

This is an attempt at blending the My Little Pony universe with Lovecraft's iconic cosmic horror.


I'd like to have all chapters reviewed, if possible.

Portmanteauster of Equestria Daily told me:
Well, I've found enough mechanical errors within the first few chapters that I'd normally reject the story with a form letter, but I really think that this has promise, so I'll spare us both that cold response.
The major thing that stands out to me is your use of tense shifts. In the context of memoirs that are a mix of thoughts and memories, tense can be a tricky subject, and you don't always pull it off cleanly. Your other tense shifts are an interesting stylistic choice, but I want you to go over lines and sections you have in present or future tense and be certain that they convey the message you want, encompassing the time period that you want them to. Your writing is strong enough that I have faith that you know what you're doing, but sometimes we find that what we intended to write isn't what we actually wrote.

I have gone over the things Portmanteauster outlined and cleaned up the first two chapters a little bit, but I fear that my incompetence shines through in the rest of the piece. I'd like some help in cleaning it up. Any suggestions on the narrative are likewise appreciated. I apologize in advance if this fic is rather lengthy, but I wanted to have it completely finished before submitting it for your scrutiny. It'd be nice if this was reviewed by someone familiar with Lovecraft's work, but I wouldn't dream of suggesting that such knowledge was crucial. The mythos I included in the fanfic are of my own design, similarities with Lovecraft's notwithstanding.
>> No. 113650
Tags: [Shipping] [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash has been dating Pinkie Pie for nearly a month, and, in spite of Pinkie’s objections, is keeping the affair a secret from the rest of their friends. Pinkie decides that she’s had enough, and throws a party announcing their relationship.


I’m not very familiar with the punctuation rules regarding dialogue, so any help there would be greatly appreciated. I expect parts of the story seem rushed, but I can't really tell for sure and which parts without a second opinion. Besides that, I’m just looking for some general criticism.
>> No. 113651
Sure. I should have it in GDocs by tomorrow morning. Real life caught up to me and I've been in damage control mode for a while now.
>> No. 113659
File 134344859964.jpg - (6.92KB , 225x225 , boredscootaloo.jpg )
Okay let's see what we got brewing here. *files through queue*
>nothing particularly interesting
I may as well claim this, as it's been sitting the longest and I'm trying to make sure everypony gets reviewed before long, which means I have to aim for the top of the queue. Somepony post a really good sadfic soon, I love those.

I'm going to be doing a chapter at a time, and with the upcoming Olympics, I can't promise a chapter a night, as I would like to do.
>> No. 113661
File 134344910195.jpg - (518.67KB , 1366x768 , 1305099848485.jpg )

Ahh, TTG. Been a minute, (not counting my last ninja from Hugs of course). Anyhow, I see your work has been waiting for a while, so let’s jump right in here, shall we?

Eh, formatting. At least you space, but indentation is nice too. That way you avoid the brick-aesthetic with larger paragraphs.

You start to get heavy on this word in the first page.

My god. Your grammar… it’s… it’s GOOD. You know how to use Em dashes. You know how dialogue tagging works! Oh, bless you laddie.

>lower the intensity of Luna’s eyes
Bit telly, would benefit from more showy.

>her luck had let her arrive in time.
Fair amount o clunk here.

>Joyluck the Jolly
This could honestly use a bit expanding for maximum chuckles. May I suggest something along the lines of spontaneous bouts of liposuctioning?

>a clearing that contained the sight Luna had been waiting for.
Some more clunk. Really, this is the most notable issue so far, and it’s not even that prominent. Enjoyable read so far.

>buns of steel
Celly kind of drops her end of this joke. Consider redoing her last line.

>“Are they ‘issing teeth ‘ecause the ‘eights ‘ulled ‘em out?”
Kill the “t’s” for consistency.

Halfway through, and Celestia’s body language seems to be lacking, outside of your notations of her being weary.

>Celestia starred flatly.
Going for ‘stared’ aren’t we?

>the fate of every pony
Could use more punch. Maybe-
>the fate of every mare, stallion and foal

Nice anime-style combat scene.

>Luna gritted her teeth and treaded onward with caution.
This line rankles and doesn’t flow very well.

>Nothing signaled the start of the duel and yet they both moved to attack simultaneously.
Similarly, this could use more punch.

>The muffled fwhaps
This does you a disservice and is unworthy of your narrative sklz.

Hmm. Candle/ceiling scene.
1) Make it more clear that C is casting a spell that is causing the wax to fall upwards, and 2)
>muffled patterning
I’m pretty sure that’s not a sound.


So, nice one-shot piece mate. Overall amusing, though it feels like you lose direction 3/4 of the way through for a bit. Your initial action scenes are brief, but as you delve into the sword fight, they reveal themselves to be among your weaker arenas, which is not to say your pacing is bad; it’s not. In fact, the timing of the butler’s interlude to the fight is excellently placed. The ending is… eh, I suppose there’s not a lot more to be done with it, eh? That about wraps us up here. You’re structuring, pacing, grammar, and execution are all pretty solid, and I have to thank you for that; you make my job easy. This was a nice, easy read.
Cheers mate, keep writing!
>> No. 113662
File 134344967928.png - (62.15KB , 500x500 , surprised_lyra_by_pineapplesam-d487v91.png )
MFW Seattle makes a claim and finishes his review in less than two hours.
>> No. 113663
File 134344968337.png - (235.61KB , 710x469 , 132619874222.png )
>8.4k words
>Review in exactly 2 hours
So jelly
>> No. 113664
Tags: Romance, Sad, Comedy, Slice of Life

Synopsis: When Twilight springs some great news on her friends, she didn't seem to notice that Rainbow was less than ecstatic. In fact, it was all the pegasus could do to not pin her down and force her to take it back! Now, time is running out, and Rainbow Dash has to make a decision. Should she take a chance? Nothing is worse than the road not traveled, right?


Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/36788/Last-Chance

This is a one-shot, I’d like to have the whole thing reviewed, please.

EqD Pre-readers said: Excessively stacked descriptors and considerably purple prose in the beginning especially. It’s unnecessary and detracting.
Increasingly awkward phrasing.
Variety of dialogue tagging mistakes
Have a really rough time transitioning between characters and keeping it clear who’s doing what.
Ellipsis mistakes. When you open a sentence with ellipses, there is no space after them. This is the exception, as in every other case there is. // “… Because
Semicolon misuse.
You really don’t need to stack a modifier on every adverb. Let your characters actions and dialogue speak for itself once in a while, because it actually is strong enough. It’s your narration that’s overbearing and feels like it’s forcing matters.

I would like Pascoite or any other hard hitting grammar nazi to review this for me please.

I would also like to claim this story >>113650 for review.
>> No. 113667
It's kind of hard to review something if you don't have permission to see it. You may want to make this a public doc with commenting permissions.
>> No. 113672
File 134345161803.jpg - (11.94KB , 480x360 , 0[1].jpg )
Meanwhile, a few poor souls out there had their story claimed a month ago, yet haven't heard a peep out of their reviewer since.

If your reviewer doesn't respond soon, I'm pretty sure you're within your right to request another one.
>> No. 113673
Well, it is a short story with very little errors being reviewed by a guy who did it for a long time. The single reviewer I can recall the fact he took a long time being a sign of his experience and good quality, rather than just being bad, was the Samurai; all others got more praise as they did their job faster.

In other words, get more experience people reviewing here and you will get similar returns. Or if that fails, get more people reviewing here so they get the experience. Or simply stop lamenting over free stuff.
>> No. 113676
File 134345266404.jpg - (75.53KB , 799x1000 , lyra_in_socks_3_by_pegashift-d43k7rj.jpg )
Over time, I just found my reviews getting longer and longer.

But no worries, I'm sure Pav will like his review when I finish it. I hope. x.x
>> No. 113690
File 134345538915.png - (39.44KB , 125x115 , 133884823007s.png )
> Rainbow, who had been thrown to the metal floor in the explosion, stood up and dusted off her pants.
I’m guessing this is a humanized Rainbow Dash. *sigh* At least it’s not anthro; I hate those things.

> One shot grazed her rainbow colored tail as she dove behind a cement barricade
“rainbow colored” tail is unnecessary here, we already––
>rainbow colored tail
If this is an anthro, I swear I’m going to––
*sigh* Never mind, it’s a good story nonetheless.
> She put a hoof up to her helmet and tried to radio Soarin',
Whew, thank goodness. You had me worried there for a minute, though she’s going to have a hard time pulling a trigger without fingers.

> All I did was save a trooper from certain death, is all.
All twice.

Rainbow and Pinkie aren’t bad, but I keep seeing Pinkie as generic–supporting–role, despite her name.

> “...” Dash was stunned silent.
At first I thought this was a mistake, but then after a second look, I saw what it does. I do believe I, the reviewer, have just learned something. Fascinating, and good job, Author.

> What's with you, dude?
… Pinkie’s a mare isn’t she? Unless Rainbow Dash is using a very outdated slang style, you might want to give this another look.

> And of course the missing Soarin', who is probably no on his lunch break instead of working, as usual.
I’m not sure what word you were going for, but that can’t have been it.

Other than that, I can’t find much. This is a good read. That’s part one, I’ll have part two tomorrow.
>> No. 113691
File 134345565585.png - (1.47MB , 1024x951 , comm__my_little_old_republic_ii_by_derpiihooves-d57il7s.png )

I know it's not really my place to respond (apologies if necessary) but... I saw this somewhere and it directly applies to this:

>humanized Rainbow Dash

While it may not be Dash, it should explain things...
>> No. 113696
File 134345596671.jpg - (7.40KB , 196x257 , 2465798978365423.jpg )
That it does, thanks Figments.
>> No. 113699
File 134345620193.png - (106.92KB , 500x500 , 92686 - adorable Christmas cute dawww hearth's_warming_eve recolor santa_hat twilight_spark.png )
If the fic has been unclaimed for a long time, you're entirely right. If it's been claimed for a long time with no updates, the most likely explanation is that the reviewer both forgot their commitment and forgot to relinquish their claim. Compare with >>113134 where the reviewer is keeping the author abreast of the situation. A forgotten claim puts the author worse off than if they'd just stayed unclaimed, as it's preventing some other reviewer from claiming it. When we're talking months here, even as a favor from a stranger, it's a mite inconsiderate.

No worries, dude. That wasn't aimed at you; you've had claim for like a day or two. Besides:
>I promise I'll do my best. :D
That's all I could ask for.
>> No. 113703
Regarding my submission, the links I provided you with are not google documents at all. Upon inspection, they're actually just word documents.

I have the proper links here, but how do I go about this? Should I resubmit and get kicked back in line?
>> No. 113706

Nah, I'll fix it for you. It's a honest mistake. It happens. :D
>> No. 113710

Thank you for the speedy review. This should give me something to work on during my flight later today. It sounds like I'm getting close, but my story still needs some more polish.


I can't seem to win at this. If I indent, I get told that's primarily for saving space on paper and that I should use spacing to make it "easier on the eyes" for reading from a monitor. If I space, I get told it makes my paragraphs look blocky. If I were to do both, I would be told it's overkill and to go with one or the other.

Is there a guideline for when you should use indents vs spaces or is this just personal preference and I'll never please everyone?

>clunky sentences

I should really learn that if a sentence seems a little off to me, it's clunky. Another read through should be enough for me to spot and fix any that remain.

>Joyluck the Jolly

I was being vague on purpose to let the reader imagine the worst, but that's probably not the way to go. I can change Luna's last line to be more specific.

>Celestia's Body language

Is it just during the training you feel she's lacking body language or is it from that point on that it's lacking?


Every single fic... I need to create a rule that automatically changes this word to stared.

>extended action sequences

Definitely the weakest part of my writing. Do you think I should tighten up the fight by removing some of the unnecessary actions?


This ending has fought me in every revision, and I'm not sure what else I can do short of scrapping it and coming up with something else. Is there any specifics to what's wrong you could point out?
>> No. 113713
File 134347871609.jpg - (10.77KB , 184x138 , Floating.jpg )

Chain Of Memories posted 7/24

Are you worthy enough to write in the Human genre?

Let's find out.
>> No. 113714
File 134348093192.png - (557.39KB , 760x506 , 131417235485.png )

Right then.

>can’t seem to win
Look mate, you have some choices with this.
1) Take whoever’s opinion seems most experienced in the context of the situation.
2) Go with what looks best to you.
3) ????
4) Profit

>I can change Luna's last line to be more specific.
Go for the funny. Do it.

>Celly’s body language
Yeah, pretty much from that point onward.

>Action scenes
If you’re not good at them, the last thing you want to do is draw them out. Try to streamline as much superfluous text as you can, see where that lands ya.

>The end
>what’s wrong
Nothing’s Wrong with it, per se, it just… hmm. No, I don’t think you need to scrap it, just… I dunno, it’s too conclusive, and changes the tone of the entire piece. Like, if you kept the lighthearted feeling going through to the end, you could cut out with Luna waking up early the next morning, and coming down to find Celly muzzle deep in a 20 stack of cream-cheese an strawberry stuffed pancakes or something, and end with a witty line. I dunno, find something that pleases you.

>Thank you for the speedy review.
My pleasure Bob. Keep writing.
>> No. 113716

Thanks for the review. I'll take your advice.
>> No. 113717
[Comedy] [Random]

Synopsis: Pressed by the looming shadow of academic tardiness after her internment at the hospital, Twilight again attempts the use of the Split-Sight spell to catch up on her studies. But when a strange side effect alters more than just her vision, she finds that things might not go quite as she had planned.

Published chapters link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/37550/Working-as-Intended

Gdocs collection: http://tinyurl.com/cwwedkm

To whomever claims this: Chapter one is already published, so only chapter two is intended for review. I am looking for an overall review of the chapter: what's funny, what's not, pacing, characterization. Thank you in advance.
>> No. 113721
File 134349341221.png - (271.57KB , 960x1046 , Ghostwriter.png )
Tags: Adventure, Comedy, Slice of Life.

Word Count:7237

Synopsis:Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, a humble position he loves, but has gripes about. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to interview the Elements of Harmony’s wielders, Ghost just hopes it’s better than that ‘City of Fakers’. But between explosions, pirates, and rock farms, Ghost will find himself on more oddball adventures than he can count.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

Notes: Not meant to be a self insert. Character conceived before coming here. I don't have any problems with it, but maybe you guys will find some.
>> No. 113726
Hey was in the Air force as a trooper, not a pilot. Then after getting shot up and a huge stroke of luck got into the Blue angels mechanical crew.
>> No. 113742

>fucking CLAIMED

*ahem* Sorry guys, I'll help to mop the backlog after I knock this out. Granted, I've already run a skim of the older works still unclaimed, and many of them either fall into Human (which I won't touch) or ones I really can't touch, so yeah.

Anyhow Corejo, gimme a couple days, I've run myself ragged over the last 48. Cheers mate, be with you soon
>> No. 113746

You know not what you do.
>> No. 113767
File 134352657299.jpg - (12.31KB , 320x252 , 579391_154697504655738_1249309511_n.jpg )
>Dash leaned down to check on her, putting a hoof against her pulmonary artery.
I believe you’re thinking of either the jugular vein or the carotid artery; the pulmonary artery is the one that supplies blood to the lungs, and would be behind the breastplate.

I’m somewhat enjoying the way Pinkie seems to know exactly what is going to happen, and is perfectly prepared for it, much like in the show. It adds a slight bit of humor, and teaches a begrudging Dash a few good lessons.

>I don't wanna talk about,” Dash interrupted coldly.
I think you forgot a word at the end of that quote.

Couldn’t find much in the 2nd chapter, and it was a fun read, so I did the third as well. Congratulations author, you’ve pulled a double out of me. Take that as a very good sign.

>they’re big meanie-heads who stole my shipment and ponynapped my friend.
This one has been a big debate for a while. Leave it if you want, but I believe kidnapped is acceptable.

You capitalize Pegasus a lot. I recommend adding the de-capitalized word to the dictionary in whatever word processor you are using.

Oh hey a Scootaloo appearance, I like.

>He forces us to kick up to him to get safe postings
Did you mean kiss up?

>Immediately she turned to the right and followed the road up to Avilatin’s Rest Cantina, where Pinkie Pie waited impatiently for her new friend to arrive.
Pinkie Pie strikes me as the ludicrously patient type, seeing as how she was able to wait two days for Dash to hire her, without breaking stride.

An engaging read, I’ll see to the next chapter tomorrow.
>> No. 113779
File 134353201322.jpg - (12.33KB , 220x284 , 220px-Otto+von+bismarck.jpg )
From the Shoulders of Giants by Za Raapini
Chapter 2
Ohhh dear.

I fear for you, you know. There is no way in hell I could personally edit this whole chapter without re-writing the whole thing, and perhaps getting spectacularly drunk along the way. But, like I said, I’ll nit pick in the comments on the doc. Right now, well, I’ll try my best.

Okay so, I just want to start off by saying that referring to the helicopters as ‘monsters’ seems a bit insulting. To the characters I mean. These ponies have metal contraptions, and a helicopter is quite clearly one of those, even if it is rather advanced. I mean, its not too hard to pick out something made of metal, even if its not the main construction material used by these ponies, so for them to instantly refer to them as ‘beasts’ or ‘monsters’ just makes it seem like you’re dumbing them down.

Secondly, rather ominously, I noticed that you fail to include any characters in this section. Sure there are names and faces, who say words and do things and feel stuff. But there is never a sense of an actual character, someone the reader can either relate to or despise, someone the readers really want to know. You’ve concentrated on the action rather than on the story telling, and this is a bad thing.

This chapter reads like the back of a shampoo bottle. Lots of information, perhaps some of it useful, but only really interesting to those who like reading tables of numbers. The sheer volume of jargon used is almost painful, and it's an insult, to the readers this time, because you leave us with nothing to go on. There is no sort of hints, where we could at least guess who’s who, and what's what, and what do. Just lots of long, complicated lines of what might as well be computer code. Indeed, I commend you for your bulldoggish tenacity for realism, but sometimes its just easier to keep it simple. And by that I don’t mean dumbing it down, just backgrounding it so that it doesn’t become your main dialogue. That way we can enjoy your gratuitous research, or indeed life experience if the case may be, without it being shoved in our faces.

However there was one moment, I thought, where this unnecessary jargon became a sort of story telling tool. When Fluttershy is stormed by the SAS gentlemen, and I’ll talk about them later, there is a section when some really confusing jargon come over their radio. Had this been the first time such conversation had been used, it would work perfectly to characterize the invaders in the eyes of the ponies: A confusing, soulless bunch who talk in acronyms and code to each other, but can converse freely with the local populous.

You change perspectives, characters and settings so quickly that we never really get a sense of what is happening in a chronological sort of way. Plus, like I said above, there is no sense of characterization, because we don’t stick around with a character long enough to really get a sense of what he would think of the situation. The key with characters, in my experience, is to have them so well portrayed that we know exactly what they’re thinking, and what they would plan to do in a certain situation, before they even do it. This also means we can predict their movements, their habits, and as such it makes your job of showing, not telling, much easier.

Now, one last thing before I abandon characterisation. I was completely lost as to how each fire squad was strung together. For example, I only realised that your Russians were actually Russians after that had stormed the cakes bakery. Other than that, you made no allusion to the fact. Infact, the only people whom you made clear were the SAS gents. Now I say gents cynically, because I know an SAS ex serviceman. He’s a bitter bastard, and I’m fairly sure he wouldn't just go ahead and start conversing freely with a talking horse. None of them would. Have you ever met a talking animal? If not, you’d think you’d have gone eye-swiveling loony if you did.

I lied, one last thing. Why would you pair Marines with SAS and SPETZNAZ forces. The marines, although well trained, definitely are not in the same league as their colleagues on this mission. It may be a bit hard for you to go and re specify all american forces as marines, but I just want to ask why you didn’t use the Seals? I mean, its not like the only special force the Brits have is the SAS, nor the Spetznaz with the Ruskies. The Royal Marines are a thing, you know.
So yes, Chapter 2. I would recommend you re-write, trying as hard as possible to flesh it out far more than you already have done. Maybe you should stick with one character the whole way through, or at least spend more time with a certain character or group for longer than you do here. But I can’t really, seeing as you’ve already published and I doubt that a complete re-write would be worth your time as no vast majority would be present to appreciate it. I’unno. Look, in all honesty, I would say that this is by no means ready for publication, as it lacks serious polish. But the readers of Fimfic are a confusing bunch, and apparently adore your work. Go figure.

So again it appears I’ve spent so much time on this chapter that there really isn’t much room for the next. The next one may be a while a way, you understand, I have some serious history orals to write, and seriously not enough time. For which I apologize. I should be able to start the review on g-docs around Wednesday or Tuesday, depending on where you are in the world, so keep your eye peeled.
>> No. 113792
File 134353491862.png - (12.34KB , 120x120 , Beggar.png )
Review can be found here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZKJXKcSfUUIjkHsyVSA4kzYV6WhWJlv13UINqmDxuVc/edit

Mainly, I went over the pre-reader's concerns, and found that the story could really use a lot more capitalizing on its first person perspective. I did, however, see a lot of groundwork for big things in here, but they weren't properly elaborated on, so I think bringing out the things I mentioned more will help a lot.

Sorry it took so long, and I hope it's helpful. If you have any further questions, please contact me.
>> No. 113802
Well, I didn't expect such a quick response. Thanks!
Oh, you. You really do have a burning hatred for Twifly, don't you?
>> No. 113812
File 134354122624.png - (175.83KB , 845x927 , ppcloseup.png )

Grammar is my thing. Let's see what I can do.
>> No. 113829
Well, I apologize for what you had to read. Rest assured, I'm carving out some time in my schedule to go through and edit stuff. You're going hard in the paint, which I immensely appreciate.
>> No. 113836
File 134356088086.jpg - (59.38KB , 679x478 , 131206311749.jpg )

>scour memory for obscure shipping references
>come up with nothing: da_fuq.jpg
>looks at Fimfic cover art

Oooooookay. Well shit, this should be interesting. And incredibly short, to the degree I can go over chapter one to familiarize; so, why not have a review for both chapters. Let us explore this madness.


>undid her head wrappings.
bit clunky, an could be more descriptive in the fix. How about something like-
>unraveled the bandages wrapped about her head.
or some such.

>Dash reading to Twi

Good characterization, damn fine exposition, excellent grammar. I can see we’re going to be getting into the intricacies with this piece.

>From dirt to gravel, the road changed when they entered Ponyville proper.
This would read more fluidly if you changed the order about imo.

Oh come on, really?

Random thought: Are you still working on that Warden piece as it continues?

I’ll just go ahead and restrain my urge to flip a table.

>the coz-wah!
Should be an Em dash.

>No mor-ahh!
Ditto here. Hyphens link compounds, Em dashes are for interruptions and appositives. You do this a few more times.

>like a mobile.
Whoa whoa whoa. What are you doing? I mean, aside from breaking immersion with a reference that has no place nor context in the world you’re writing.

>eye level
Either compound this or make it plural.

>She perked up at the realization.  That’s it!
Ah. And so we begin our decent into dafuq.jpg territory. Very smooth though, bout as good as anyone could expect for her to suddenly be compelled to attempt magicking herself up some compound eyes.

Oh Twilight, how you ever fall victim to your own venerable ambitions.

>head to toe.
I’m assuming you’ve done this on purpose. But why?



>After the embarrassment of the Canterlot Spring Formal,
Am I missing something from canon here that would have Rarity hold a life-long grudge against flies?

>When will they learn?
I almost wanna say this should be direct thought.

>school filly
I’d hyphenate.

>Every shade of purple imaginable
I’d flower this up, it being a Rarity perspective:
>Every shade of violet under the sun

>the long frilled skirt
I’d comma
>the long, frilled skirt

>Suddenly, there was a huge explosion!
This line really does your work a disservice imo. I suggest going from Rarity’s PoV, transitioning straight into exposition of the boom, and then back. There’s really no need for the line.


>the rain of blows
Heh. Clever.

>That’ll take weeks to get out.
This is definitely direct thought territory.

>ceiling and opening,
You should add a line of expo for the ‘opening’.

>Now, you go on upstairs and don’t worry your sweet little head about it.”
This line is a bit out there, even coming from such a vapid worst-pone as Rarity.

>But since Bloomberg’s…
There’s really no need for the ‘But’


The pacing is consistent, though a bit lagging for what one generally sees with a comedy piece. There really aren’t many jokes throughout; the entire premise is the joke, and that works. So it’s not so much a read-for-lolz type of work, but rather the entire thing is amusing because of its basis.

The greatest, and really only, point your characterization falters is when RD and worst pone are searching for Twilight in the wreck of the Library. You play them (especially Dash) too lighthearted for such a situation.

The transition in the second chapter to the CMC seems, while adorable, initially pointless. Though your tree PoV is nicely played.

The high point of chapter two is definitely Rarity’s reaction over the fate of her dress; that’s hilarious. If you’re going for a consistent tone of light-humor, I’d probably recommend taking out/altering the bit with Spike; it breaks tone in that the little guy is fuckin’ traumatized, and you do it too well.

I’m looking forward to seeing this finished man; a funny premise and very well executed so far. Cheers mate, thanks for letting me have a look.
>> No. 113837
File 134356175762.jpg - (55.31KB , 365x450 , otto_von_bismarck.jpg )
A Leaky Roof


Part 1 of 2

[slice of life]

When Applejack is confronted by a good day gone bad, she discovers that perhaps keeping her feelings under lock and key will lead her down paths she would never dare to take. It will take the subtle words of a loving friend to break her from her reprieve, and teach her a dire lesson in honesty.

>pic unrelated
>> No. 113845
This is a decent story. It manages to hold my attention most of the way and it’s peppered with light humor. The pacing is okay, the plot is entertaining. Characterization is a little weak with the mane 6 in my opinion, probably because the plot doesn’t give them a chance to develop.

The writing is kept clean and simple, and there is no grammar or tense issues, making the sentences flow smoothly the story easy to read. The common show vs. tell problem still exists though. You summarized things into one or two paragraphs of telling quite a few times. It’s an easy way out of long, boring scenes, but it’s still dry information being dumped at readers. Try to cut out as much information as possible. Keep only what you need, everything else is just cotton and fluff.

Another problem I’ve noticed is that you don’t have a point of view character. While this writing style works in some stories, it has distanced me from yours. I do not feel alongside your characters, the scenes playing out don’t seem real enough, and there is a lack of emotion and depth.

Other Points:
The synopsis needs to be improved; if I see that on EqD, I’m not going to read it.
The way you end scenes is a little sloppy. It feels as if it’s just been cut off abruptly. Also the same for the ending of the entire story. You need to choose a good spot to end scenes.

There’s a very nice link between the first and last scene that you’ve managed to bring out, and it makes the story feel whole and complete, as a story should be.

Overall, the story was an enjoyable read. I would expect it to get a 4.5-4.7 star rating on EqD.

Comments and in doc.
>> No. 113846
Hmm............. Claimed.
>> No. 113853
Okay, I'm finished with editing the first chapter of my story after DuncanR gave me a very helpful review. I would like for somebody with a critical eye to look at just one part of my story: a dialogue between Rarity and a pawnbroker pony about pawning the Element of Generosity necklace. Yes, it's exactly as it sounds. I would like it if somebody could read that part and tell me if the exchange sounds believable. The idea is that the pawnbroker can't quite comprehend why or how Rarity could offer up her necklace, yet because she offers to pay the loan quickly he agrees to give it to her. Any criticism on this would be appreciated. Thanks.

>> No. 113859
Halcyon, you should be aware of this:

The author already had two strikes for grammar, so wanted to be absolutely sure not to get that third strike. I gave this one the special treatment already, so there will be little to no issues left. I recommended that he might want to get another look for character/story issues just to have another perspective, so that's why he put it back in the queue. But he went ahead and submitted it to EqD anyway, and it was accepted. I asked him if he still wanted a review, and he said he'd forgotten he'd put it in the queue, but I didn't get a clear answer on whether he still wanted a review. In any case, it's a good story I think you'll enjoy, and the author probably will still take into account any comments you might have, as long as they're quick fixes.
>> No. 113861
Thanks for the edits/review and semi-interactive feedback :)

I do appreciate the broader issues, and likely will focus on resolving those better in future stories. It might be a matter of taste as well, though definitely something to consider.
>> No. 113862


This is very helpful. I'm glad you discussed general concepts rather than going through a line-by-line dissection. A lot of this is stuff I never even thought about (but probably should have).

Would you mind taking a look at it again after I've fixed it up?

If I have specific issues I want to discuss, I'll follow up through e-mail, if you don't mind. I'd rather do it there than here.
>> No. 113869
File 134358275896.gif - (887.30KB , 400x535 , pnv.gif )

I hadn't seen your comment up above my claim beforehand, and I hadn't seen the story on EqD either since I don't look there frequently enough. I'll check with GaP before I do anything further. Thanks for the heads-up.
>> No. 113870
It says I need permission to view this document. Plus, I'd rather review the whole thing in one go, instead of in parts.
>> No. 113884
Ok, I'll bite. But with the laundry list of things the PR noted, don't expect this to be pleasant...
>> No. 113912
File 134360080074.png - (7.59KB , 72x86 , Bumfriend.png )

Sure thing! I don't mind at all. I'm glad you found what I said helpful, and once again I apologize for how long it took. Good luck and have fun!
>> No. 113945
File 134360795093.png - (8.14KB , 635x256 , here_comes_a_new_challenger.png )
Hello all, I'm Your Antagonist, and like the subject says I'm here as a temp reviewer to fulfill this little agreement>>113574, however I do intend to comeback in the future as a full time reviewer (maybe). Well for now however, I'm going to drop off my three stories, claim three stories, and hopefully I'll have at least two of my claims done by Friday.
>> No. 113948
Hey, Duncan.

I've run through your story again. The overall follow-up is in the comment at the very end.

Hope it helps.
>> No. 113949
File 134361053356.jpg - (119.69KB , 520x900 , zangief-mv2.jpg )
Cloudy With A Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers
By: Your Antagonist
E-mail: vegamanth[email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Comedy, Human In Equestria
During the final match of the World Warrior tournament, Zangief a.k.a. The Red Cyclone accidentally Spinning Piledrives himself into a portal that redirects to the Magical Land of Equestria. However, he soon finds that he is not the only person who has gained access to this strange world. What strange adventures will befall the Red Cyclone in his quest to return home? (A Street Fighter x My Little Pony Crossover)

Chapter 1- https://docs.google.com/document/d/19ChXlkTBKgCdXea8jncZTPqMnCM5fd-ojuMVEttqCik/edit

Chapter 2- https://docs.google.com/document/d/10IdG_v4pokrtjVszOjcp_qLMyU9HlbC3GWlM4DFbUvE/edit

Chapter 3- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r7p_p7PjDRBFAx_FOK0McxGj9R7W9Rc9daxEZrij4t8/edit

Chapter 4- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1weAnBl5QNHCWfLSxfhDRNM0nw1qVmXsYPDaGX5ZCzXc/edit

Review Requested For Chapters 1-4
>> No. 113950
Clover's Creed
By: Your Antagonist
[email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Dark
Synopsis: The year is 04 B.C. (Before Celestia) and Harmony in Equestria has yet to be established. The newly forged alliances between the Earth Ponies, the Pegasi, and the Unicorns are still volatile at best as the three tribes endure a power struggle to determine the ruler of this new Equestria. This is Clover the Clever's recounting of an Equestria that was forged in blood, betrayal and politics, and his part in uncovering a plot that threatens to tear apart the little Harmony that has been established.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15LmyCirHkMoyxi0L15cZABTnCGWZmSCdIpOLhNqdzE0/edit

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bN5yBj1UqKFAVfqY4Av5MKU_JtZaYQ_PdveVUz3xgus/edit
>> No. 113951
File 134361103190.jpg - (24.07KB , 250x450 , 0-0-akuma-mv2.jpg )
The Devil And The Dunce
By: Your Antagonist
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Crossover
Synopsis:After laying waste to Ryu in one on one combat, Akuma shouts to the heavens demanding to fight an opponent who can stand as his equal. Unfortunately for Akuma, the heavens listened. The Master of the Fist soon finds himself in a strange land facing off against an even stranger opponent. Will his martial arts prowess and unyielding power be enough? Insert Coin and Press Start to find out. (A Street Fighter x My Little Pony Crossover)

One-Shot: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fS7YJIYySSWBGt4GS0OppDh3OyjxvL8AoMB5ynLyONg/edit
>> No. 113956
File 134361262446.jpg - (43.82KB , 544x571 , Shi-LongLangCR.jpg )
You look like you've been waiting quite a while, and don't worry about my credentials, I edit and revise for EQD authors. If I'm diligent I can have this done by this time tomorrow. If I'm not, you'll get it at some point this week.
>> No. 113963
File 134361348869.jpg - (50.93KB , 497x404 , Freddy.jpg )
You. I'll have this review to you within the next two days or the end of this week. And this fic had better be a "dream" come true... okay no Nightmare on Elm Street pun props? But, real talk, I'm anxious to see how you've decided to either redeem or demean Trixie.
>> No. 113969
File 134361494127.png - (1.21MB , 1280x720 , Diamond_Tiara_diabolical_look_S2E23.png )
All right I'm going to claim your fic, and I'm going to review it with an open mind even though you got your flight teams and service branches wrong as someone else pointed out. Might I also add, that since you've neglected to turn comments on, I'm not going to do a grammatical review, I'm just going to go through and book report feed it to you. I'll have it to you... at some point. Maybe this week, maybe a month from now. Who knows. (It's not terribly long, I'll have it done somewhat quickly.)
>> No. 113985

This was very enlightening. I'm going to give myself some time to think about this before I rush into any editing.

Thank you very much.
>> No. 113991
File 134362273495.png - (325.55KB , 854x470 , Crazy_Pinkie_Pie_S1E25.png )
Ooh cool thanks. And here I thought I'd have to wait for a while
*Slaps self* (shame on you for doubting)

Anyway, thanks in advance and I should tell you that I've added about 900 words so it's at 5.4k now.
>> No. 113998
>>113664 >>113884
No GDocs = all your dirty laundry gets aired in public. Hell, GDocs would have seized up, anyway, so at least this way, you get your review sooner.

>Soft music drifted through the air, lightening the atmosphere of the dingy drinkery.
This paragraph isn't indented like the rest.

>Silky moonlight beamed its way through the windows, probably the most radiant of the light sources in the building.
I don't think you need the "in the building" part. That light source isn't in the building.

>Only a few ponies were around, and only one was sitting at the bar itself...
Lose the ellipsis. Unless a narrator is first-person or is communicating indirect thought, it's improper for him to trail off, get interrupted, ask questions, state opinions... basically anything but tell us what's happening.

>this would never happen
Excusable in dialogue, but this/that/these/those make poor pronouns. They have vague antecedents that are often large chunks of text, and so end up being self-referential to the narration. You don't want to be reminded that you're reading a story. Try to find an appropriate noun to put after it.

>would never happen, she'd never been one for sulking
This comma forms a comma splice. A comma cannot be used to link two independent clauses. Basically, the parts before and after the comma can both stand as complete sentences, so a comma is invalid. Split into two sentences, add a conjunction, or punctuate it with a semicolon or em dash instead.

>the bitterness of cider
I'd use "the cider" or "her cider." And cider's a pretty sweet and tangy drink to be described as bitter.

>I guess this is it then, huh? she thought to herself.
The italics already tell me that it's a thought. Tagging it as such is redundant, unless you're going to use it as an opportunity to attach an action to the sentence as well.

>Her thoughts were interrupted when an orange mare in a stetson hat sat in the stool beside her.
Stetson is a proper noun. I'm actually not a stickler for this, but the hat AJ wears technically isn't one of those.

>The newcomer didn't give her a second glance, she just waved down the barkeep and placed her order.
Another comma splice. I foresee many in your future.

>A few moments later, a second mug of cider sat upon the counter, complimenting the first.
"Complementing," unless you mean the cider has nice things to say.

>The newcomer smirked.
I don't know why you're pushing the reveal of who this character is so hard. It's not a surprise.

>“Then why would ya be in here on a night like tonight? Ain't you usually hittin' the clubs with Pinkie Pie round this time?”
Be consisitent on spelling ya/you. There are times when it does makes sense to do one or the other based on how the sentence is inflected, so if that's your game, okay. But just be warned that a little accent goes a long way. You don't want to make it hard to read, and "ya" falls in the gray area. As a fully licensed Southerner, I easily take exception to authors' treatment of her accent. You need an apostrophe on "'round," and make sure it goes the right direction. Smart quotes often get leading apostrophes wrong, and you may have to paste one in.

>Rainbow suddenly seemed to have a headache.
Be very careful with seem/appear/look. If it appeared that way to Applejack, fine, but I have no indication that the narrator is speaking from her perspective. To RD or the narrator himself, "seem" is unnecessary, because either one would know exactly whether or not she had one.

>but a tear still fell onto the counter, dampening the soft pine.
A single tear? Cliche ahoy! Also, who in their right mind would built a bar counter, which is supposed to be able to take a beating, from pine?

>She felt broken, like her world was falling apart around her ears.
"She felt broken" is incredibly telly. Here's an emotional high point, so you have to sell it. Those words give me the information, but don't draw me into her predicament at all. How would an independent observer know she felt broken? Give me her body language, her facial expression. Lead me to make that conclusion myself, and I'll be much more engaged in the story. And "around her ears" is a strange place to have a world crumbling. Just axe "ears." I have no idea why they're there.

>“Look, Sugarcube,” she said softly.
Why is Sugarcube capitalized? It's just a term of endearment, like "dear." It's not a name.

>“Ah think its high time we talked about this.”
"Ah" is also a bit on the "overdoing it" side of accents. People will hear her lines in her voice. You don't have to force the issue. It's more about word choice and folksy expressions than accent. "It's." If you keep confusing its/it's, I may turn to violence.

>Lookie here, Dash, everypony who's ever seen you round her kin read ya like a book!
"Kin." No. Over the line. Particularly confusing, since it's actually a word. I took me a minute to realize that wasn't what you meant. Again, 'round needs an apostrophe.


>Rainbow crossed her arms

>“She can stay gone for all I care; stupid Twilight!”
Misused semicolon. You can use sentence fragments in certain circumstances, but not in cunjunction with a semicolon. Just make a new sentence.

>But ya can't lie tuh me.
"tuh." You haven't spelled it that way yet. Why are you starting now? Just no.

>so why don'cha stop beatin' around the bush an jus' say it?
Usually seen as "dontcha." Now you're going to spell out "around?" "Jus'" is over the line. Your accent writing is incredibly inconsistent.

>silencing the pegasus.
I'll just mention this once. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) is the tendency to refer to characters by things other than pronouns or their names. It doesn't bother me that much, but just make sure you don't overdo it. All things in moderation.

>The corner of the cowpony's mouth perked up in an advisory fashion.
I don't even know where to begin... An advisory fashion? What does that even mean?

>“And why, do you think that?”
There is no possible reason in the universe for that comma to be there.

>She lowered her head in shame.
Watch "in/with <emotion>" phrases. They short-circuit showing language. We should be able to deduce her mood from the lowered head, so we don't need the rest. You can add a bit more description if you want to be absolutely clear.

>“And why is that?”
AJ's dialogue is very dry here. She doesn't seem to be genuinely interested. She sounds more like a shrink trying to get someone to talk out their own problems. She's not really the type for that.

>“...Because I'm a coward...”
This doesn't sound like RD at all. She's more the type to keep up a front than spill her guts like this. Not that it can't be done, but you have to connect the dots to show me how she gets there. Over a short time at a bar, she goes from not even acknowledging AJ's arrival to baring her soul? And if she cal tell AJ, why not Twilight, since those stakes are even higher? For that matter, why is AJ even buying cider? She makes her own...

>“Well, Dash,” Applejack leaned back in her seat.
Your speech tag has no speaking verb.

>“Ya know what ya halfta do, don't 'cha? Pony up! Or are you jus' gonna sit here an' feel sorry fer yerself like some kinda loser?”
"Halfta?" Really? What is the "l" doing in there? This accent writing is just too much. It's hard to read, you're inconsistent about your intentional misspellings, and when you do use them, you don't always spell them the same way.

>she didn't know, sadness?
Use a period instead of a comma, consistent with how you did the following words.

>are ya Dash?
You've been pretty good about using commas in instances of direct address, so I'll assume this one was just an oversight. You need a comma before "Dash."

>That did it.
Weak "that" again.

>She would have used her wings, but after about eight rounds of hard cider, she didn't exactly trust her coordination.
When has lack of coordination ever stopped her?

>pent up

>five minute
hyphenate. These compound modifiers require hyphenation.

>Not a huge problem, Rainbow Dash was more of a “just wing it” pony anyway.
That comma would work better as a dash.

>to at least get
Split infinitive. More a guideline than a rule, but it's preferred not to place other words between "to" and its verb, unless it's really the least awkward way to word the sentence.

>A simulation played through her mind:
Just use a period. Ending with a colon breaks the sentence across paragraphs, which only works well if what follows is something written, like a letter or a passage from a book. Even then, it's not necessary to do so.

>It's like, two o'clock in the morning!
I get that this is Twilight as interpreted by RD, but I still don't see Twilight speaking that line. She's not the type to use "like" in that fashion.

Direct address needs a comma, and you don't use apostrophes with shortened nicknames.

>but a young dragon
Okay, this is getting annoying. For the second time, you introduce a character and postpone mentioning who it is as if you're trying to create a mystery, while it's completely obvious who it is.

>He looked out at the world tiredly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"looked out at the world tiredly" is awkwardly phrased, plus is just a telly version of what you've given us afterward.

>It's two o'clock in the morning?
Is he asking her or telling her?

>Without a plan, Rainbow felt a bit intimidated by prospects of the future.
Really clunky phrasing, plus I doubt she'd actually come to that realization in her current state. Isn't that precisely how she even got to the library? By hurtling ahead without a plan?

>Dash tore her brain apart searching for something to say.
"searching for something to say" is a participial phrase. You need to set those off with commas.

>Dash shifted her hooves uncomfortably, she suddenly found it hard to meet the drake's eyes.
Comma splice.

>Rainbow didn't need any further direction, she knew the library inside and out:
Comma splice, and that's a pretty unusual usage of a colon. It's not wrong, but it'll be a bit off-putting to the casual reader.

>Twilight's room was the last door on the left side of the hallway adjacent to the stairs.
Iirc, her room is simply the only one at the top of the stairs.

>A few moments later, a tired, bedraggled unicorn opened the door.
You just used the word "bedraggled" not long before this. The more unusual a word is, the more it will stick in a reader's head, and the longer you have to go between uses to keep it from sounding repetitive.

>It was amazing how, even though she had just woken up, Twilight still looked as pretty as her namesake.
As pretty as her namesake what? Twilight? There's nothing inherently beautiful about twilight. You need to build an image.

>Her mane was scattered, strands of hair boldly rebelling against gravity, sticking straight up, and out of the sides of her head.
The last comma is unnecessary, and consider that the majority of a mane grows from the neck.

>But the coup de grace was her spirit: most ponies would immediately turn away anypony that visited in the middle of the night—not Twilight!
Umm... not really. Most ponies would assume that a late-night visitor had good reason to be there, particularly when that visitor was trusted by Spike enough to let her in.

>down right
one word

>“Look, you can't go to that school.” she said finally.
The quote should end with a comma since you're transitioning into a speech tag.

>“I-It's just that—”
The second "I" in the stutter should be lower case. It's not starting the sentence anymore.

>“Well, Rainbow Dash,” she rumbled. “You certainly didn't seem to have a problem earlier today when I told you all.
This isn't technically wrong, but the quote feels more like it should flow as a single sentence. Transition back into it like so:
"Well, Rainbow Dash," she rumbled, "you certainly...
Let me also say here that Twilight's reaction is horribly out of character. She's immediately going to jump to rage when it's clear her friend is upset about something? Suppressed annoyance for the sake of being helpful, I can get, but not outright anger.

>“Before what?” Twilight growled.
She just growled. Don't overuse your more unusual speaking tags.

Ugh. I won't mark any more of these. Just sweep through and fix them.

>Oh, shoot, Twilight was mad! Nothing Dash was saying was coming out right. She had to think of something fast before things got worse!
The first sentence is okay as an exclamation because it reads as RD's indirect thought, but the last one reads more as the narrator's voice, so the exclamation doesn't feel right there.

>“You know what Rainbow?”
Direct address comma missing.

>pony kind
Recommend one word, as in "humankind."

>developed a cloud walking spell
Cloud-walking. And she didn't develop it. She looked it up.

>Rainbow nodded, she didn't think that Twilight would ever truly be able understand the elation that her presence had given her.
Where to start... Comma splice... Missing a "to" before "understand." And the ending phrasing is awkward. Be more descriptive than "elation," and it'd be better wording it more like "...understand the elation she was feeling" even if left as-is, in order to avoid the ambigious uses of "her."

>“ Look,
extraneous space

>Her tongue felt limp, it wouldn't move
comma splice

>She felt like she'd swallowed something cold and runny.
This is just strange. I'm not getting your imagery at all.

>would have lead to

>For the first time in what felt like years, Rainbow felt like she was going to start crying.
Repetitive use of "felt."

>somebody call a fire pony, I've found a hydrant and a siren
Suggest "firepony" as in "fireman." And this comment is just weird. It sounds like it's trying to be a joke, and I see the imagery of tears gushing as if from a fire hose, but the use of "hydrant" and "siren" is strange. Why would someone just "find" them, and why would doing so necessitate summoning a fireman?

>“Twilight,” She started hurriedly.
capitalization error

>“Go,” Twilight sniffled.
"Sniffled" is really stretching it as a speaking verb.

>Something wet slid from Rainbow's eye and down her cheek.
A single tear again? sigh This phrasing is just weird, too. "Something?" Ooh! I wonder what it could be!

>It looked like she'd never again be welcomed within its walls...
Ellipses in narration. Nope. it's not even needed here.

>triple check

>double checking

>he growled
By now, I'm noticing that your character grumble and growl an awful lot of the time. It's getting grating to see those two speaking verbs so often.

>I'm sorry Spike
direct address

>“Good,” She released him from her embrace.
I'm assuming you meant the comma to be a period, since you capitalized the next word and don't have a legitimate speech tag.

>He began grabbing anything he could reach, stuffing them indiscriminately into whatever bag they would fit in.
"them" has no clear antecedent. You also have a dangling preposition, but it's not a horrible one. However, I think you can just delete the "in," since the "into" already covers the location, makingthe "in" redundant.

>When the floorspace was clear,
Two words, and the comma shouldn't be there.

>No time to check them, Spike, we have to go!
Second comma is a splice.

capitalize. Seriously, did you edit this?


>Dropping her bags onto the ground, she approached them.
Antecedent for "them" is vague. Use something like "her assembled friends."

>Where the heck is Rainbow Dash? She thought worriedly.
Same rules as quotations. "She" should be lower case.

>With a pang, she suddenly remembered the events of the previous night... morning... whatever one calls two A.M.
A pang of...? It's never used in isolation like this. Indirect possessions are often clunky. Consider changing "the events of the previous night" to "the previous night's events."

>A tear came to her eye.
Does nopony have the capacity for more than one tear?

>Applejack noticed and came to investigate.
So of all the ponies there, who expressly showed up to see Twilight, only AJ noticed? And asking a couple of questions constitutes "investigation?" Particularly since she already knew what RD was up to, I'd think she'd already be curious, even before she saw how Twilight was acting.

>The words rocketed out of her, every syllable was like a punch to the gut.
comma splice

>...stood around in utter shock.“You what?
Missing a space after the period.

>Her jaw dropped comically, but her eyes glistened deeply in the mid morning sunlight.
Don't undermine the serious emotional tone of this scene with the "comically." mid-morning

>“I agree, darling. That is most... barbaric.”
It's kind of obvious who's speaking here, but you should still say. You can really only go without identifying speakers when there are only two participants.

>“Oh dear,” Fluttershy admonished.
"Admonished" is a transitive verb. It requires a direct object, and the speech doesn't count since its direct object needs to be whatever or whoever is receiving the admonition.

>I'm very disappointed in you Twilight Sparkle!
direct address

All caps are discouraged, except possibly for Royal Canterlot Voice. Use italics and choice of speaking/action verbs to communicate intensity.

>last minute

>This is her last time here fer a while, let's send 'er off right!
comma splice and overdone accent

>They stood there for a moment, each friend sharing their love for one another.
Very telly and overly saccharine.

>They said thier goodbyes
their, good-byes


>It's gonna get lonely around here.
Huh? Why wouldn't Spike be going with her? She's still raising him, and he's her assistant.

>found her room, happy to find

>It was enough to pull a tear out of Twilight's eye
Time-release tears, huh? She gets one per page?

>all of Ponyville faded from view...
Please stop ending scenes with ellipses.
>> No. 114001
>Mmm... Celestia that's bright! What is that?
inconsistent indentation and direct address

all caps = bad

>She felt like somepony had replaced a hoofball with her head, and then played a full game with it.
A bit overbearing, as you've already given us a simile in the previous sentence, and this one seems like it's trying to be funny, but it doesn't get there

>“Rrrg,” Something fell out of her grip, it clanged emptily on the ground.
The first comma is no good since it doesn't transition to a speech tag, and the second one is a splice.

>Blurred memories of stumbling around town with a case of cider that seemed to grow lighter by the minute filled her mind. They seemed to end with her crying in this alley.
Repetitive use of "seemed."

>that's what she gathered from them, she may have died last night for all she knew.
comma splice

>Rainbow would have taken off to go straight home for her shower, however, one side effect of a serious hangover was aching everything.
The first comma is a splice. I'd recommend a semicolon in particular for this one.

>High above in the town hall, the clock chimed.
It's been pointed out to me in one of my own stories that there is no clock above the town hall. I have not attempted to verify it.

>Then she remembered something else; the reason she'd drank so much to begin with.
What's after the semicolon isn't an independent clause. Use a dash or a colon.

>And you've already missed her train anyway, it leaves right now!
comma splice

>Suddenly, the bright new day turned downcast.
This whole paragraph rehashes the same thing over and over again, and is quite telly. Give us the cues to deduce her emotions instead of telling us directly.

>mushy eyed

>Twilight would never know how Rainbow felt, or how much she cared.
no comma

>had either been too drunk, or too passionate to see it properly
no comma

>she didn't feel like she'd played the game at all, she felt like a silly foal that had picked up a deck of cards and made up her own rules; Rainbow didn't know what she was doing!
comma splice. The semicolon doesn't feel right, either. A semicolon should link two close ideas, one of which follows from the other. You've got a narrative followed by an indirect thought. You shouldn't change perspectives within a sentence like that. Make the thought a separate sentence.

>You ain't a loser, are ya Dash?
direct address

>Rainbow Dash wasn't a loser! At least not so easily! She could take a loss if she'd really well and truly played her heart out, but Rainbow Dash did not quit! Quitting was the ultimate form of losing! The way of the coward! The escape route for those that got in over their heads!
My, look at all the exclamation marks. The more you use them, the less effective they are. Try to be a little more conservative with them.

>Thanks guys!
direct address

>She paused, thinking about Applejack's advise.

>Constantly worrying about whether or not she'd be liked back, or if her feelings might destroy their friendship.
sentence fragment

>“Go git her durnit!”
Seriously. Fix that accent.

>I'm coming, Twilight, she thought.
"Twilight" is part of the thought, so it should be italicized as well. Also, same comment as earlier about unnecessarily tagging a thought as such unless you add an action to it.

>Twilight was going to Marizona, far to the southwest, therefore, all Rainbow would have to do is follow the tracks against the sun.
First comma is a splice.

>Ten minutes later, a pegasus pony traveling up to mach five starts chasing it
Mach is a proper noun. And the following math problem is unsolvable with the given information. Mach number is dependent on temperature.

>Their speed was determined by the ponies riding aboard
Well... a train's speed is determined by the engineer.

>But that was just it, she was Rainbow Dash:
This sentence is going to get convoluted quickly. I'd recommend changing the comma to a colon and beginning a new sentence after "Rainbow Dash."

>she couldn't just outspeed a train, she could give one a head start in a race and still win!
comma splice

>near unbearable

>hypersensitive ears
First, there are several instances in canon where RD is near a running train with no such problems. Second, where are you getting hypersenitive ears from? Are you assigning new superpowers to her?

>Rainbow cursed alcohol and its affects

I have never seen this word used as a synonym for a train car. Same in the next paragraph.

>Bags of luggage had all been stacked up neatly, until the exposure to the outside had depressurized the room.
Really? Do you know what the difference in pressure is between still air and air at train speeds? This isn't even a very fast train, probably close to a car at highway speeds. When you open a car window, would it knock over stacked suitcases? It won't pick up much more than paper.

>to not knock over
split infinitive, one of the most common ways to do it, and one of the easiest to fix. Move "not" in front of "to."

>“Oh, man,” Rainbow groaned.
What is this "man" of which you speak?

>The door at the front of the cart opened to reveal a tan stallion in blue coveralls and a conductor's cap.
"Cart" again. You'll have to scan for these yourself, as I expect there are a lot more of them. And a conductor wouldn't wear coveralls. He'd have on a nice uniform, like a coat and tie.

>It costs five Bits to ride this train, who can't afford that?
Comma splice, and why is "bits" capitalized?

>But I'm taking her to the Captain.
Why is "Captain" capitalized, and what does it mean in a train context? Scan for these.

>nicer looking

>comfortable looking
hyphenate. But you're falling back into the "look/seem/appear" trap. Describe the furniture. What about it makes it look comfortable?

>“She ain't no customer,” the stallion growled. “Caught her rifling through all o' y'all's luggage. But if it matters that much to you, I can let her git back to it.”
Huh? Why does he suddenly have an accent?

>I'm not a thief
Need a comma after this.

>“Twilight!” Rainbow cried, she'd never been happier to see her crush.
comma splice

>he still held her tight

>The stallion shifted his weight as her turned to look at the purple unicorn.
"She," not "her."

>“She's not a thief,” Twilight said matter-of-factly. “She happens to be the bearer of the Element of Loyalty, and a personal friend of Princess Celestia. I suggest letting her go before I'm forced to write a letter to her explaining the situation.”
Twilight's awfully calm, given that 1) she should be very surprised that RD is even there, and 2) RD's being accused of theft, which Twilight should be arguing more strenuously. Twilight's also inexplicably unmoved by RD's presence, given how broken-up she was that RD didn't see her off, particularly because she told RD to go away herself.

>Rainbow watched him slowly glance back and forth between his prisoner, and the unicorn giving him orders.
no comma

Again, you don't need the apostrophe. It's odd that you dropped it during the middle of the story, but it's back now. Scan for these yourself.

>Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “After a train?
Why not? Twilight should know that a pegasus could easily catch a train.

>Do you think your feelings are special or something?
For somepony who's supposedly learned a lot of friendship lesson by now, Twilight's being awfully harsh.

>'special feelings.'
Double quotes. Single quotes are only for quotations inside other quotations.

>Twilight of course, was simply using it as a figure of speech, and not truly delving into Rainbow's emotions quite like she'd planned.
Give the reader some credit. You don't need to lay everything out so bluntly.

somepony? Some writers don't like to use such words. Your call.

>high pitched

>“And it won't be me...
Close those quotation marks.

>young pegasus
I don't know why you're bothering to call her "young." She's an adult.

>stand there
You never mentioned what position she was in, so given that she was reading while riding on a train, I had to assume she was sitting. You ned to make that clear.

>Don't be, I'm always grumpy in the morning.
comma splice

>Rainbow nodded meekly, she'd long since given up trying to be confident.
comma splice

>Well, what were you expecting dunderhead?
direct address

>Hearth's Warming Eve Vacation
"Vacation" should be lower case. It's not part of the holiday's name.

That's really pushing it as a valid word. Try "incredulously."

>As the two fillies made their way down the hall to find a room to hang out in, the other ponies in the lounge area watched them.
Hall? On a train? Typically, it's called a passageway. There's also a dangling preposition. Instead of "to hang out in," try "where they could hang out."

>Rainbow truly had nothing to say, she listened contentedly as numbers and magic laws flowed through her ears.
comma splice

>apologize for the actions of the first
RD is on board without paying a fare. I fail to see how the conductor is at fault, and certainly Twilight wouldn't be so dishonest as to threaten a letter to Celestia over it.

>spilled luggage in the caboose
Luggage would be in a luggage car. A caboose isn't there to haul cargo. It carries railroad workers.

>she spoke to Twilight's ear
Maybe "into." Otherwise, it just sounds awkward.

>Hearth's warming Eve

more quietly

>Rainbow sighed, she already missed that unicorn, but she wasn't gone forever.
First comma is a splice.


Well, obviously there were a lot of problems with comma splices. There were inconsistent errors with hyphenation, dialogue punctuation, and direct address. I can't tell if you know what you're doing and had some lapses, or don't know what you're doing and got lucky.

Where to begin...

Tone down Applejack's accent. The occasional thing like o', 'em, and clipping the g's off -ing words is fine, but getting her voice is more about expressions and word choice. The reader will largely fill in her accent for you. If you make it difficult to read, you kill her immersion.

I'm trying to determine what narrator voice you want to use. Most of the story is told through RD's perspective, though you switch to Twilight's for one scene, and it's hard to tell with the first scene. That one clearly starts with RD, but once AJ shows up, it's no longer clear which character holds the "camera." Furthermore, I can't tell whether your narrator is omniscient or limited. You state characters' indirect thoughts in the narration, which is closer to a limited narrator, but then you also give plenty of direct thought, which is characteristic of an omniscient narrator. Pick one and stick with it. It seems like you'd prefer to use a limited narrator. If that's the case, then direct thought isn't a good idea, as it creates a distance between the reader and the character under focus that shouldn't be there.

The PR called you out for being purple, but I don't really see that. Perhaps you already addressed it. I don't generally mind purple, as long as it fits the scenario and characters, and that's maybe where I do detect a glimmer of it. The narration during the opening bar scene uses some fairly fancy language that doesn't really mesh with either RD or AJ. You need to match your narrator's voice to the character(s) under focus. When he's too dissimilar to his subjects, it once again creates an unnecessary distance between the reader and the characters.

Finally, the obligatory show-versus-tell stuff. Too often, you blatantly give us your characters' emotions rather than presenting them subtly and making us deduce them. When the reader has to figure them out from context clues, it's a much more engaging read and makes the reader identify with the characters more. Your three biggest red flags for telly writing are: overuse of -ly adverbs (you do this a LOT), use of "in/with <emotion>" phrases, and failing to break up dialogue with enough action. On the dialogue piece in particular, let me say that what's said is only half of a conversation. So, how to fix? Dialogue and coarse actions only go so far. We need all of the details. What are your characters' facial expressions, body language, posture? A lot gets communicated that way. How does an actor come out on stage and let you know he's sad? He can say, "I'm sad," and it gives you the information you need, but it's rather boring, and doesn't get you inside his head. Instead, he hangs his head, sighs, won't look anyone in the eye, gets preoccupied by looking at things, is distracted easily, slumps his shoulders, etc. By seeing that, you still get his mood, but you've figured it out on your own. He's made you think and gotten you invested in his character, so what he does is more interesting and engaging. Such is the heart of show-versus-tell. Of course, you don't have to do that all the time. It's not really necessary in expository passages, but is crucial at times of high emotion or important plot points.

I won't really say much other than what I've already noted above. AJ seems too clinical, RD is too timid, and Twilight is too detached. That doesn't mean you can't have it that way, but you have to connect the dots and show me how their personalities get there from canon.

What happens is fine, except for the few detailed things I noted above, but what's really prominent is what's not here. You've committed the cardinal sin of shipfics. You plop us into the middle of a love interest and assure us that it's there, but we have nothing other than your word to get us there. Why does RD love Twilight? I've got no reason to believe it. Take us back. Show us events in the past from RD's perspective. Show us things Twilight did to endear her to RD, and how RD gradually falls in love. Show us times that RD tries to drop hints, but Twilight just didn't get it. Show us times that other friends could tell what was going on and either tried to help or remained silent. The relationship itself is another character in your story. You have to develop in with as much care. If I don't see it grow and don't believe it's reasonable, then I'm not invested in it. It's just sitting there on the page and isn't real. Of course, you'll get a large following (as you apparently already have) by dropping TwiDash on us because, hey, TwiDash! But it could be so much better. Put in the effort, and make this rise above the masses.

The writing's not bad, and the events are pretty well planned out. The opening scene created a nice atmosphere. There are definitely some things to like in here. I think you're capable of putting in the work to make this story stand out. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 114012
File 134362617073.jpg - (64.55KB , 353x340 , AnneFrankZappa.jpg )
Hello folks, I'm going to give this one a try.

Rocket-Powered Pony
>> No. 114013
File 134362633099.png - (766.00KB , 1062x1015 , tscozy.png )

I'll take a look at this.
>> No. 114014
File 134362649429.png - (140.67KB , 320x240 , Anabel_Alakazam_Recover.png )

Alright, I have for you my pseudo-intellectualism review.

The review can be found here:


I'm not going to systematically analyze the individual elements in outline format. Being only a prologue, and being in its current condition, quite frankly doesn't warrant it.

I apologize in advance for the verbosity.
>> No. 114016
File 134362707812.jpg - (226.39KB , 1024x1024 , 1336705187441.jpg )
Okay sorry for getting it in so late. I was watching Phelps, so disappointing. Then the girls gymnastics came on and DAMN that chick was–– Oh… right, the review. Here it is:

> Oh, Pinkie, you never told me what your nightmare was about.
> Pinkie’s ears fell further than they had the first time, as though she had resigned herself to a death sentence.
Brilliant foreshadowing, and I already know what her nightmare was, even without your explanation in the next paragraph.

> Your logic is really flawed, Pinkie Pie
It actually isn’t, but this isn’t a mistake within the story itself, so this comment is rendered pointless.

> The smuggler let out a whimper that startled Rainbow slightly
Pinkie Pie is beginning to appear much less of the cool collected sharpshooter that she was when we first met her. It’s almost as if she’s actually very unstable inside, and simply puts on a mask for everypony else, so they don’t see how defeated she is inside. Very appealing to an emotionless bastard such as myself.

> cherry red Defender Corvette
You could use a bit of imagination, instead of just jacking the name of a well-known car company and adding “Defender” to it.

> Master Atuna
*tries and fails to stifle laughter* OMFG ROFLMAO that’s priceless.

> I don’t wanna die, Lemony! I’m too young, and rich, and beautiful!
Pinkie Pie succumbs to vanity. What?

> Once they realized we’ve escaped

Outstanding back story, I cannot wait to look through the rest… or maybe I can. Girls in swimsuits man.
>> No. 114018
Title: "Nothing is Scarier"

Tags: [Dark][Short]

Synopsis: Some grown-ups think it's normal for children to believe in monsters. But Applebloom doesn't believe. She knows.

>> No. 114025
File 134363181548.jpg - (240.47KB , 792x1720 , seinfeld-comic.jpg )
Title: Lone Black Train
Tags: sad
Synopsis: AJ takes a train to see her parents.
Word count: 2671
Gdoc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tLnMlWt3VQmu6ptflOplt3fNweJVI2VMVrGc7lrWmEo/edit

Also, I'd like to give some time back by claiming >>114018

>pic unrelated
>> No. 114026
File 134363481383.jpg - (82.21KB , 1438x804 , Apple_Bloom_4bits_S1_E12.jpg )
Alright, let's get to it!


I thought the tone was pretty well conveyed, but you could have been a bit more descriptive in Apple Bloom's room. From what I had seen, it was just dark, with a noise. Perhaps something about this night was different than the other nights? maybe this was her first night in her new room?

I also thought you did a pretty good of this, though because the fic was so short, AJ and AB only had a few lines. The lines they had were pretty solid, and played out as expected.

Aside from a few wording issues, and a repetitive line or two, this fic was quite good from a technical standpoint.

However, as a stand alone fic, you may want to have Apple Bloom build up this monster a bit. Perhaps have her think 'no, it couldn't be... him again.'. You know, hint at it, but don't give it away until you're ready to reveal it. Also, I hope this is a multi parter, because while stopping it where you stopped it does build suspense, I'd probably release both parts at the same time, just to keep readers attention. But that's just me.

Overall, I'd rate this a solid 7/10, held back only by its length and need for a bit more building as far tension and environment. One final point, don't be afraid to attach some synonyms for the common 'said' in there. Here's a list I find useful when I'm struggling to vary my post-dialogue wordplay. http://writingfix.com/PDFs/Writing_Tools/said_synonyms.pdf

Anyway, I hope some of that helps!
>> No. 114028
Title: Grand Prix
Author: Arbarano
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: A prestigious sporting event has come to Ponyville, capturing the interest of one filly in particular.

Links: Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kSprG-2VkayNCQxVzth_pmnVCVumLgExpRPZKHuIyOE/edit
Chapter Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BZGSGUOxP3DVs3MxtjyEPTp6fLkdmEq8g8Y0odpGvuI/edit

I would like both to be reviewed, please. :)

This is a major re-write of a story that I have previously submitted, and I have gotten to the point where I simply have no clue whether what I'm doing to it is doing anything positive. Previous pre-readers have highlighted issues of: Telling when it should be showing (while another did not notice such a problem), bland language, boring and pointless extract segments.

(For reference: The bold segments are parts which are borderline inclusions, and could quite easily be re-worded or cut out. If there is a (T) following the bold, then it is what I think to be an egregious example of telling.)

Thank you :)

And I will be claiming >>114025 :)
>> No. 114051
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Sorry for taking a while with your story. I was preoccupied by a private review I had to finish. I may not be as fast as Seattle, but I'll still do my best anyway. For what it's worth, I enjoyed reading this story, even if I did it twice because of the write-off. So let's go!

Let's see, the common complaints about your story were that Celestia was too cold, Twilight's reaction of leaving her friends was excessive, the story didn't get to explain the ramifications of her no longer being Princess Celestia's student (How would Spike have taken it?), and Cadance was a bit of a deux ex machina since she came out of the blue to explain to Twilight. As I read the story, I'll move scene by scene and address what I think.

First Scene:

Let's see, we have Twilight who's depressed and her caring big brother who comes along to cheer her up. She reluctantly explains her position before Shining Armor teases her and she becomes all adorkable, which is awesome. You have actions of the characters that paint a small picture of how they react, which is nice. If I have a small quip for the first scene, it's that I'm not really sure where they're at. It's the night of the wedding, but where are they? Are they outside? Are they in the ballroom? The party in the finale was outside I think, but was that the same setting you wanted to use for your story? You say "dance floor" but I still don't know where that is. Just a small thing bothering me, that's all. Something I just noticed was that after Shining Armor said "colt or filly," Twilight accidentally gave away the fact that it was a her. Hehe.

Second Scene:

Twilight pulls an out-nighter, having went through tons of drafts in search of the perfect words. At this point, she's frazzled due to lack of sleep, but is happy to finally be done. The excessive amounts of drafts are there to prove that she wanted to make sure everything was perfect aka Lesson Zero Twilight. I wish how those block paragraph quotes are supposed to work, but I've never used them so I have absolutely no idea if you're using them right or not. Anyhoo, everything seems alright so far.

Third Scene:

Shining Armor's words trigger a violent reaction in Twilight, causing her to remember the words of her mentor. Considering her feelings, this is a harsh blow as she argues with herself. A truly heartbreaking scene. (Totally didn't like what Celestia did in that episode, but that's neither here nor there) I like the justification you did for the way she acted in the episode though.

Fourth Scene:

Really short scene that shows Celestia congratulating Twilight. Not much to say here except that it reminds Twilight about her instincts.

Fifth Scene:

Another short scene that makes her want to take action, so she does. Not much else to say besides that.

Sixth Scene:

This is a long one, where Twilight confronts Celestia about her feelings. Something that bothers me about this scene is that in the earlier letter writing scene, Twilight talked about a strong bond of mentor and student, but in this scene, Twilight gives vibes that she wants to lay Princess Celestia. It goes from one kind of love into a sexual attraction which wasn't present before, which kinda puts me off. I know you put in the sexual innuendo puns to be funny, but it comes out as out of left field for the sake of being funny.

Another point I have to mention is her rebukement against Twilight. The line is: "The Twilight I know and care for wouldn’t leap upon such rash actions." This line is exactly something you shouldn't say to someone that admires you unless you are either not thinking correctly or you are really disappointed in them. Imagine if someone you really respected said this to you. Ouch. I cannot say whether or not Celestia would have more tact than this, but perhaps she's not thinking right because she's probably a bit angry, even if she's not showing it. Given by the subtle cues you placed about her feelings, I'll assume that she said that because she cares about Twilight and was trying to let her down easy, but she wasn't thinking. Given that she's lived for a really long time, I'm not sure if she could handle her feelings perfectly, but I'm glad that you didn't. Allowing the readers to see a crack in her emotional armor (with the subtle clues) shows that she's not an ice-queen. In the write-off draft, she seemed way too cold and I didn't like it. I like the fact that you added a line after Twilight left that shows that Princess Celestia is not as stone-faced as she appears to be. Although she may not (or can not) love Twilight, that doesn't mean that she would cut all ties with her altogether forever. That would just be too harsh. Changing the exile from forever to one year makes it more believable, so to speak. Forever is just... Gah! Soul-crushingly retarded. I'm really, really glad you changed it. As for Twilight, I can understand her overreaction because she has no experience with love (given that she's new to the concept of friendship and all).

Seventh Scene:

In the old draft, Twilight leaves her friends forever without even saying goodbye and Cadance comes out of nowhere to deliver a moral. Having Twilight make a life-altering decision just to leave like that on a whim was rather stupid, so I'm glad you decided to change it. She'd be fuming, but I don't think she'd run away like that. At least, not forever. Changing Cadance's exposition was also a good idea. How would you feel if someone tried to tell you about the good things in your life? You'd probably be resentful, you wouldn't latch onto their words so easily and go "Wow, they're so right. I feel better now." In real life, you'd still feel terrible. If you want to cheer someone up, you have to get them to admit their own positives. One thing though, Twilight still seems to be acting as if she got expelled forever, but she was only given a one-year break.

Since Twilight is the main character, it makes more sense for her to come up with the plan instead of Cadance. You've made a few changes and tweaks to these stories, but mostly all good.


I loved Shining Armor. I thought he was pretty hilarious, intentional or not. He seemed just like the kinda caring big brother that anyone would love to have, even if he was a bit slow sometimes. It blends perfectly. As for Twilight, we have depressed Twilight and love-obsessed Twilight. Although I understand her feeling the mentor love in the second scene, it feels weird when it turns into a sexual love in the sixth. An ill-timed joke, considering it was supposed to be serious. Besides that, you have enough body language so that we know how the characters are feeling, so that's good. As for Cadance, you changed her role a bit, but it was necessary since Twilight is the main character. Having Cadance solving the problem would have just been terrible. The main character can be helped, but ultimately, she must find her own path. Celestia seemed cold and uncaring, but after paying close attention to the cues, she's only doing this for Twilight's sake. In the old draft, it looked like she was TOO cold and uncaring, but in this draft, she's turned into a more realistic figure.

Final Notes:

You definitely played around with the normal expectations of the reader and gave it a twist. I also like the fact that your story was an alternate interpretation of the events in canon, as it always brings up an interesting point of view that the average person wouldn't have thought up. Since this is a multi-chapter fic, there are some questions that still need to be answered, and I'm glad that it's no longer a one-shot. Because of the nature of the plot, it would have left a bad taste in my mouth to have ended right here. The conflict hasn't been resolved yet, only set-up.

Concerning your other problems, you fixed the Celestia being too cold issue, Twilight's overreaction (Instead of leaving town, now she just sits outside on a bench), and Cadance being the deus ex machina and providing all of the answers, which have been no good. As for the ramifications of what's going to happen now that she is no longer Celestia's student, that still remains to be seen. Since you plan on making this six chapters, I can only wonder what the next five chapters will be.

A few questions to ask yourself when writing the rest of the story plus making your outline.

How does this change the relationship between Celestia and Twilight? Does this mean she can no longer talk to Celestia for a year? I know she probably won't need to write letters anymore, but can she still write them anyway? What does Twilight do as a student of Celestia's anyway besides studying?

I'm curious about what Luna thinks about this. She might not be a necessary character depending on how you want to take your story, but she's considered important too? If you use Luna in your story, you can also provide an insight as to how Princess Celestia is dealing with it (from another character's point of view).

How is Spike going to react? Is he no longer needed since Twilight won't write (or can't) letters anymore? Will he still be her assistant?

What about her friends? How are they going to react? Does it effect them at all?

Now that Twilight doesn't have any more Celestia's student duties, what will she do now? What were her duties anyway? Will she go on a journey around the world and meet other ponies? Will she try to talk about love with ponies she doesn't normally meet with? What other characters will she meet? Will she meet her rivals again? (Trixie I assume)

There are many things you can do in Twilight's journey to discover love, but I guess that depends on the kind of story you want to do with this. It can still go in a multiple of ways. The only thing you've written so far is really just the set-up, after all. Because of that, it's harder to give your story a proper review, besides the tiny comments in Gdocs. But besides that, I can say that your story hase a baseline to write from, all you need to do is write the rest.

P.S. Your indepth comment to yourself for your write-off fic was quite hilarious. It's funny because at the time, no one thinks anyway about it, but then later, people go "Wut?"

And that concludes the review. Hope you like it!
>> No. 114054
Short, sweet and complete. Thank you!

I'm very glad to hear that my technical writing skills have improved somewhat. Those pesky "saidisms," though... I've been raised to despise them utterly! I may have to give in for the sake of variety, as I have been repeatedly told that my writing isn't varied enough.

I'm also thinking very hard about whether or not I'll continue it. The point of the story is that the scariest thing of all is not knowing. A concrete ending is more immediately satisfying, but an uncertain ending sticks in the mind longer. Hm.
>> No. 114064

I guess this got lost in the shuffle, but I'm about halfway through a review of Wanderer's Wife (see >>113267 and >>113521). Review part 1 is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iE-xTh9XwyqqSqwd0VvBu6nHDQdYLFWi8E-B9pVNnBY/edit
>> No. 114069
File 134367649277.gif - (56.40KB , 256x192 , phoenix-sweating(a).gif )

So wait, now I have to find another story for review?
>> No. 114070
I'm glad you got something out of my first review! As for the ending you can absolutely describe the monster without putting it in stone. H.P. Lovecraft was a master of this kind of thing. But this is just my 2 cents, it's your story, do with it what you will.
>> No. 114089

No clue on how this is supposed to work. Two reviews are better than one?
>> No. 114093

If you both want to review the same story, there's nothing stopping you. So it's Your Antagonist's choice to pick another or the same one. Doesn't matter either way. :o
>> No. 114096

Oh, I see how I missed it. You posted your claim on the old thread after it autosaged. Normally when there's a new thread, we don't go back to the older ones. :o

Oh well, it's all good, right?
>> No. 114097
File 134368877949.png - (8.49KB , 124x95 , Isaac_Bum_Friend.png )
Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't seem to see the review I did for Spike's Story by Quintus in the Recent Reviews section of the Maintenance Queue. In fact, I don't see it anywhere, or that the story was ever reviewed. Can someone look into this please?



>> No. 114098

It got moved to the old entries tab. Your review is currently under number 35.
>> No. 114102

Ah, I didn't see that. I was under the assumption it would still be in recently reviewed. Thanks for clearing that up for me!
>> No. 114108
File 134369402580.png - (25.49KB , 430x600 , Zangief happy.png )
Alright, well, let me start by saying that this story was a fascinating peek into hardships and the development of our beloved braggart: The Great and Powerful Trixie. Your intro seemed to be a mite cliched, as a fair amount of Trixie fics begin with her waking up poor and homeless in an applefield, and the first member of the mane six she encounters is usually Applejack. But that’s about where your cliches stop and your story picks up. A rather interesting mechanic you implemented was the resurfacing of Trixie’s memories during moments of stress, and it flowed seamlessly with the rest of the story after I figured out that it wasn’t the character who had spoken previously saying these things out of the blue. The sequences that take place in Trixie’s past were very well timed, and quite heart-warming as well.

Style and presentation: As far as aesthetics go, the blue wording on the black background was unique and something I’ve only seen in one other fic, but I can’t for the life remember the name of it. I think it was the empty room. Regardless it worked out very well, but I don’t think you utilized it to its maximum potential what with all of the wording being blue, including those moments where Trixie’s painful memories resurface. If you were to change the lettering of those moments, the purpose behind them would become much easier to discern for new readers.

Characterization: Since you’ve basically reinvented Trixie after a two year absence, I found it awesome that you kept in those little hints of arrogance that creep up on her every so often in conversation. As for your mane six, you picked some odd country slang for Applejack, but since you were consistent with it, it was cool. Spike was as antagonizing as you’d expect a child with a grudge to be, and Twilight is Twilight. Not a lot to say there, it’s somewhat hard to get her wrong.

Grammar and spelling: Aside from your formatting, I didn’t notice too many issues with this when I went through, and anything I did catch, I left comments for. But I still suggest that you have an avid grammar nazi comb through this to pick out any niggling comma splices or what have you.

Final thoughts: You almost jerked a tear out of my eye with that ending. Almost. ...what? …okay fine you earned your tear. Aside from that the rest of the story was well done even if it was written simply, but that’s part of the appeal I suppose. If you submit this fic to EQD (which I assume you’re going to do since you have that black background which won’t translate to fimfiction.net or fanfiction.net), I can see it having a strong chance of making on the site with a decent rating.

Overall grade: A- Now get the hell out of my office.
>> No. 114110

I think you're thinking of "White Box".
>> No. 114113
File 134369529899.jpg - (43.82KB , 544x571 , Shi-LongLangCR.jpg )
That's the one!
>> No. 114114

Well, I'm not exactly new to writing but I'm fairly new to reviewing. I'll give it my best shot and hopefully have a review for you sometime this week. I like the concept and hopefully the rest of the story is as interesting as the synopsis.
>> No. 114115
Tags: Umm, actually if someone could give me a hand, I'd like that. I suppose [Dark] is fair to say, but any more help would be appreciated.

Synopsis: Celestia: a friend, a sister, a leader. Her career hasn't always been among the most illustrious, so the question is... can she keep her sanity intact?




This was at the advice of my reviewer. I thought I'd try a very short one-shot, just for the sake of it, and get a little practice in on the side.

I didn't put into the write-off. It was too long to wait for the prompt and the idea hit me today. However, maybe this would be a better EQD candidate than my big story?

Hopefully, it would at least get my foot in the door. Go on, tell me what you think.
>> No. 114116
Sad, Shipping

Lyra and Bon-Bon reflect on their lives past through a photo album and a series of flasbacks.


All current chapters

I've submitted to EQD and didn't recieve and comments from pre-readers. I was only told that they "weren't interested in posting my story". Fair enough, I suppose. Anyways, I'm just looking for general feedback. But, I will welcome any kind of review. Thanks in advance to whoever does review it.
>> No. 114119
Tags: Adventure, Grimdark, Crossover.

OCs, later humans.

Synopsis: Unfortunate chain of events leads an unaware young filly into an adventure through the other worlds.

Need a review for everything that is above red line. As of now, it's five pages, may be more at the time of review.


Everything below the line is an old, unedited and unordered text. Read at your own risk.
>> No. 114121
File 134370137686.jpg - (80.84KB , 900x563 , mlp___bon_bon_and_lyra_by_joehellser-d4d8onh.jpg )

I'll claim this story. <3
>> No. 114123
File 134370247303.png - (1.16MB , 788x1280 , 108648 - artist john_joseco artist Michos Bayonetta celestia humanized pure_awesomness.png )
Sweet review is sweet; Lyranon delivers! Let's see what we've got here.

>If I have a small quip for the first scene, it's that I'm not really sure where they're at.
Agreed. There's really no setting description for scene one, and as you pointed out in-doc, the hook is pretty weaksauce. Will try to address both of those points.

>I wish how those block paragraph quotes are supposed to work, but I've never used them so I have absolutely no idea if you're using them right or not.
I'm pretty sure this is right. At least, I'm pretty sure I've seen it on a few rule sites.

Twilight Sparkle said, "In this paragraph, I start talking.

"I didn't close the quotes on the last paragraph, but that's okay because I'm still the same speaker."

>I like the justification you did for the way [Twilight] acted in the [episode portion of the story] though.
Glad that this worked out for you, and most other commenters. I was a bit worried that, by overloading a line from the middle of the two-parter, that Twilight would come across as caring more about her own personal drama than the whole Cadance/Crysalis deal and her own brother's wedding. But it sounds like Twi/SA's dialogue on that topic in scene one served its purpose in suspending disbelief.

>She wiped the condensation across her face, at once cooling herself down and masking the tears that threatening to burst forth.
ಠ_ಠ Urgh! Applejinx even warned me that I had a bunch of derps like this, and I still didn't catch them all.

Scene six, here we go!

Yeah. When you highlighted both of them, it does seem like too much, both for where Twilight's head should be at this point, and certainly for putting two innuendos within a page of each other. Devil's Advocate, she's fueled on confusion and hormones, but ehhhhh. Rule of Funny doesn't win this round. Second innuendo will probably get PG'd or removed. First innuendo, undecided.

>"The Twilight I know and care for wouldn’t leap upon such rash actions."
and for that matter
>"You have a lot to think about."
That was/is a tough one. Clearly, in the canonical version, Tia was deeply disappointed in Twilight's behavior, had higher expectations for her, and wanted to make that known. I think it was the only canonical time Tia rebuked her. Even in Lesson Zero, outside of a stern "Meet me in the library," her lines are all reassurance and encouragement. That's why the S2E25 line stung so hard, and Twi's face showed it. I made the exact same face the first time I watched that scene :P

Certainly, that's what made that line so ripe for me to hijack for my own nefarious purposes. My thoughts were, since Celestia had already shown disapproval, and Twilight moved forward regardless, Celestia could feel justified in expressing a stronger rebuke—yet still laced with complements and praise. To your question about Celestia's own mental state in all of this, I do always hate to tip my hand too much regarding teh spoilarz, but I will say that it is a factor.

That was actually what gave me trouble in softening Celestia in this scene, compared to the Write-Off version: much of her dialogue was already positive and encouraging. True, there were a number of barbs in those complements—like the line in question, or "We need to get you thinking rationally again—your most admirable trait." But I found it tough to make her much more positive in her dialogue without sending her off-message. Luckily, a few well-placed body-language cues seemed to do a world of good. Especially the sigh at the end of this scene; it felt almost a little heavy-handed to me, but I'd rather be heavy-handed than mislead the majority of the audience.

>Changing the exile from forever to one year makes it more believable, so to speak. Forever is just... Gah! Soul-crushingly retarded.
*nod nod* Lesson learned. Don't let concerns about prompt adherance sway you into making a bad decision.

>As for Twilight, I can understand her overreaction because she has no experience with love
Eeyup! An important theme in all of this. Twilight's rant where she's lecturing Celestia on how her love is real love struck me as fairly tragic.

Glad to see that Cadance is working better. She had positives and negatives in her original role, so I didn't really want to remove her completely. But it was still a bit of a struggle to include her in a way that lets Twi come up with the plan quickly enough to move into Chapters 2-5, without dawdling in too much depression.

>As for the ramifications of what's going to happen now that she is no longer Celestia's student, that still remains to be seen. Since you plan on making this six chapters, I can only wonder what the next five chapters will be.
Yeah, that's why I basically had no choice but to go multi-chapter. There was no feasbile way to cover all of that in a one-shot. So I tried to wrap up the other concerns inside Ch1 (sounds like it worked!), have this lead into subsequent chapters (which required almost no changes... hah), and then address that last issue over the remainder of the fic. Ch2-5 are going to give us snapshots over the year, with Twi meeting key people in her life—I think actually that most of the ponies you inquired about will make a short appearance. The plan is for all those appearances to A) answer the charge that Cadance set up for Twilight, 2) show Twilight's development over the year, and iii) tie back to the central Twilestia-will-they-or-won't-they issue. Step 2 is especially important because I'm covering a whole year in only six chapters. It might feel a bit rushed, and there are going to be substantial time skips between chapters, but I'm concerned that making this fic any longer than that will cause it to lose focus and energy. Like, a year of self-discovery could absolutely last 100k words or more, but by that point, the formula of "talk to X about love" would overstay its welcome. Not implying that I don't already have twists in store for this six-chapter version Ch6, of course, will take place at the end of the year, and attempt to bring closure between student and teacher.

Anyway, thanks for the review! Very nuanced, and asked a number of probing questions into character motivations and future developments. Exactly what this fic needed ;)

>P.S. Your indepth comment to yourself for your write-off fic was quite hilarious. It's funny because at the time, no one thinks anyway about it, but then later, people go "Wut?"
The integrity of the competition's anonymity is my second-highest priority. My highest priority, naturally, is being a smarmy git.
>> No. 114124
File 134370262934.jpg - (11.50KB , 160x120 , Charge Right.jpg )

The Cost of Utopia posted 7/27

Notes and responses to the author:
>If you wish to edit on google docs email me so I can put your name in the doc so it will let you edit.
I will not need editing privileges.

>I may have another person coming through and editing this fic as well, just to be safe.
This would be wise of you. None of us are perfect.

>If unsure of anything message me on fimfiction or send me an email.
I will send a PM linking to this post. I will not, however, send a PM linking the review unless requested.

>I am currently my only prereader/ editer.
This is less wise of you, but it’s understandable. Finding editors, proofreaders, and reviewers isn’t a simple task when you don’t know where to look. /Fic/ is, in fact, one of the best places for tuning up pony fan-fiction.

>If interested in reviewing more chapters once I write them please email me.
I am not interested, but others might be. As it appears your story is incomplete, a exhaustive plot analysis will probably be difficult or impossible.


This is, to me, a long piece. At its current length, it could be classified as a novelette. I have rather poor reading comprehension skills, and there are a few extenuating circumstances that could (and most likely will) take my attention away from your fic. If I don’t finish the review nor update you on the review’s status by the end of next week, Saturday, August 11, you have the liberty to drop my claim and request another reviewer.

While you didn’t explicitly state it, it appears you would like a grammar and spelling check. I’m not a copyeditor and, in brutal honesty, I’m not good at spelling myself. I can point out the first few instances of a systematic (i.e. repeating) error, but it’s beyond my ability and the scope of the review I intend to write to mark each and every instance. I will comment on pacing, plot, characterization, dialogue, aesthetic, &c. as a whole.

If you are uncomfortable with any of these terms you can request I drop my claim and your story, and I will do so. If this causes any inconveniences, I apologize.
>> No. 114135
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A very heartening and informative review. A thousand thank yous Mr. Antagonist.

The other story you are thinking of is White Box, a marvelous tale, and one of my many favorites. Ah, I see Anon beat me to the punch.
I do indeed plan to submit this to EQD, and I took your advice and added a different font to the flashbacks, although I am still fiddling with colors to be clearer and still produce the shimmering effect I had hoped for. Maybe I've just got really good eyes, but the color difference was obvious to me

Once again thank you for your review, and I bid you good night.

>> No. 114136
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I would like to announce that I am officially dropping the story My Little Old Rebublic by AidanMaxwell. I would also like to request that it be removed from the queue due to its content violating Ponychan's rules. I will continue to review this story, but outside of Ponychan.
>> No. 114138
File 134371759025.png - (107.01KB , 800x551 , 1336713377089.png )
Claiming this
I guess I owe you this don't I? I dropped it in my thread with Hugbox simply because I didn't know the Doctor Who side of the crossover. That was lazy of me and I apologize for that. This time around I will simply grade you on how well you are able to overcome that unfamiliarity, in addition to my review, which is crucial to your story because not all of your readers will know Doctor Who, I think I'm proof enough of that.

20k words huh? Eh, give me a few days on this one, it's a tall order. If it's not posted by Saturday morning, poke me on Fimfiction, or send me an email, it's in the email field.
>> No. 114143
File 134371989890.jpg - (91.43KB , 800x640 , 132194012051.jpg )

Well, this looks interesting. A premise rife with potential for amusement. Have some SoC and greentext as we jump right in. Sorry for the delay btw.
>pic unrelated but adorable

Right. So then...

Cheerilie’s severe appraisal of the situation seems kind of off for a young filly.

You’re using parenthesis for appositives in narration; this is pretty ugly. I really suggest you go with commas or em dashes, dependent upon the severity of the contextual relation.

>old textbooks, bossy teacher and snot-nosed kids
stick with the plurals for consistency.

Also ugly, not to mention lazy narration.

Wait. “Dorm”? Are they in catholic school or something?

>lightly multi-hued
This is poor description.

>the paranoid earth pony
There’s really no need for this. The dialogue and thoughts are conveying this more than well enough without you having to drop so direct a lead to the reader.

>The filly was
Use the more direct “This” instead, imo.

Cheerilie’s mania is coming off a bit heavy mate.

> But before she could practice her justice any further
This is pretty clunky.

>or feel my wrath.”

>or maybe she smelled.
Getting awfully close to casual narration here. You do this quite a bit actually. Be wary of straying too far with it; try to keep a distinct line between your character’s perspective and narration when using third person. You want to use casual, near-personal narrative voice? Stick to limited and kill off direct thoughts. You want to stick with omniscient, stay away from lapsing too closely to casual.

>just above her pits.
And this just strikes me as weird.

Meh, you’ve a fair grasp of writing mechanics, but this intro really failed to grab my attention in any compelling way. You’ve got Cheerilie and Lyra as fillies just starting school together; this should, by all rights, be a lot more engaging. And I can’t pinpoint why it’s failing to grab me. Then again, I’ve felt like shit all day, so who knows.

CH 2-

>“This year is going to be so much fun,” said Bon Bon with much enthusiasm
awkwardly phrased

>“Huh?” Lyra responded intelligibly
intelligibly means clearly, comprehensibly. This doesn’t fit any context in which it’s used.

>shook her head with a downcast look that conveyed hopeless disappointment
There you go with the over-reaching narration again. Really, convey these things more fluidly through your characters speech, thoughts, and action. You want your readers to draw the correct inference with the emotions you’re working to convey, not shove it down their throats.

LUS is getting noticeably heavy as we continue.

Lyra’s motivation for wanting to befriend a bully seem a bit odd… or maybe you’re just not going far enough… hmm.

>with her inhabitant
Inhabitant implies within. Derpy is on her, not in her (that would be weird). Try “tenant”, perhaps, if you want to keep the allusion.

>me?”, or
that comma.

You’re using conjunctions to start sentences at an alarming rate.

>its saccharine contents dry.
Um. Tone the purple down a bit. You’re just talking about juice in a box.

>As she eyed the heaving unicorn regain her composure
Typo or tense confusion, we have a problem here.

>head to toe

>no offence

>Derpy said with apologetic regret
Just one more instance of your overdoing it with the narration. Just so we’re clear.

>her pain— heck
Oops. Em dash spacing mistake.

>everypony for herself
should really hyphenate these words.

>juice cups rippled
Cups don’t rippled, not in the liquid way you’re going for. Make this more clear.

>”But I wasn’t safe yet.
This is a pretty jarring transition.

Okay, so Derpy’s already experienced bullying assholes in kindergarden. Why then you play her off as so oblivious that she mistakes Cheerilie’s clear-as-day “I’m going to kick your ass” sentiment for “yay let’s hang out after school”?

Narrative issues aside (the overbearing and the casual lapses) most of your problems seem to come from weak characterization. They just don’t come across as terribly distinct from one another, and their personalities feel pretty constructed. Inorganic. Kinda contrived an flat.
In any case, I know this review is pretty surface level, and I’m sorry for that. I just feel like shit today, and a girl’s pissed at me cuz I blew off a date. Meh. Women. Like, you feel like shit, so you’re an asshole. The fuck? Anyway, cheers, keep writing.
>> No. 114149
File 134372577433.png - (154.68KB , 316x320 , 61628 - Discord Lyra artist strawberreth seapony.png )
Alright then, let's do some thread maintenance!


Your reviewer hasn't responded in forever. Would you like to request another one? Not to be mean or anything to the reviewer, but that person claimed it on the 16th and now it's 15 days later. x.x

Lynked is probably very, very pissed off at the Training Grounds now. I can't apologize enough for the... inconveniences. Gah! x.x


It's been about a week and Hugbox still hasn't responded yet. Would you like to request another reviewer perhaps?


To Melknin: I apologize for my associate's lateness. :o


Since that other guy already reviewed the story and you have two other stories to worry about (Well, one since you already did one), then I'm just going to say that you don't have to review the story anymore. If you still want to review that story anyway, let me know. That way, we can either remove your name or leave it there. I think it would be better if you picked another story if you really wanted to.


Which rules of Ponychan would those be?

>unclaimed stories

As a general note, please acknowledge your reviews when you have read them. Otherwise the queue gets rather clogged up. If I let them sit there for a month, then you have a ridiculous amount just chilling for no reason.

I'm going to start moving the ones that have been unacknowledged for three weeks, because face it, if they haven't been responded to yet, then they probably never will be.
>> No. 114150
File 134372662502.jpg - (17.92KB , 277x343 , applejack.jpg )
I'm honoured to see you remember me! Now I just hope the story won't disappoint you. Well, I'll be looking forward to hear back from you.

Oh, and you must tell me if the Doctor Who references are insurmountable so I can tone them down. The same goes for any other references, in chapter one as well two.
>> No. 114152
It's a good post.
>> No. 114153
File 134373082605.gif - (32.46KB , 256x192 , phoenix-coffee(a).gif )
Oh dear, there are so many bones to be picked with this story that I don’t know where to start, so the beginning will suffice.

Let’s start with that first line: >“Argh”. I awoke to the shadow of a half-lived dream.

What? Let’s back it up a second. Out of anything this guy could have woken up to, he wakes up to a philosophical allegory that I’m still trying to make sense of to this very moment? Sure it sounds deep, but it serves no purpose to the story, your character’s backstory, nothing. There’s no description or context of this “half-lived dream” to be found anywhere, rendering it as little more than florid wording. Since the setting of this scene is outdoors and it’s apparently cold, why can’t he wake up to something that normal people wake up to, like the temperature, or some random animal howling in the woods?

What this guy does after he wakes up and finds a hatchet on his body concerns me for his well being as a serviceman. He walks boldly into ponyville and breaks into Twilight’s library after finding the door is locked. Okay. For one if he’s not going to sneak into this new town using any precaution, then this means that he feels absolutely safe walking through this place. If he feels safe then why didn’t he just seek out some form of authority to help him out? There are several questionable instances in this story, but we’ll touch on a few more of those in the below sections.

Characterization: Okay let’s not pretend like we don’t don’t see the elephant in the room here: Allegedly military trained Brony in Equestria who was summoned by a character that can be implied has been long dead, into modern day Equestria, i.e. Gary Stu. Okay, with that out of the way let’s move on. In the description you say that this individual is a supposed to be a member of the U.S. Navy Blue Angels flight team, and I’m failing to see any behavior or actions that could be deemed worthy of any serviceman.

For example when he checks Twilight’s library he does an ineffective sweep of the vicinity. Why is it ineffective? Because he only checked the lower floor of the library as opposed to the upstairs where he might have no doubt found Twilight Sparkle and Spike sleeping. In the Army it’s encouraged— nay— mandatory to have 100% security of your area of operations, and I’m certain that while the Air Force and Navy don’t see as much combat as the Army or the Marines, they at least keep their veterans trained and proficient for these types of situations. Also the responses he’s giving his captors are absolutely unprofessional and not exactly conducive to his well being.

If this guy was legitimately in the service then he should have taken his SERE 100 training a little more seriously. Name, Rank, Service Number, and Date of Birth. That’s the information a captured service-member is supposed to provide. Instead he’s making terrible quips and claiming to be multiple sci-fi characters, even though he can’t properly identify his captors. He’s not James Bond, he’s an airmen. I’d hate to see this this guy in a hostile situation, which he should have assumed he was in when he woke up bound by ropes. Also the fact that you have failed to allude to any of his training if he has any to speak of, makes me doubt that this clown has even enlisted at all.

Moving on to the ponies, you seem to have Twilight mixed up with Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash is as cocky as ever but it seems that along with Applejack, she doesn’t receive the benefit of proper slang annunciation. You use “Ya” in place of yeah and you. If you don’t see an issue, then I can’t offer a solution. After that, well there’s Pinkie Pie, and it’s hard to write a bad Pinkie Pie, I mean, come on, she’s Pinkie Pie. She’s like the free slot on a bingo board/

Grammar, Spelling, and Mechanics: Before I start this portion, I’m going to go ahead and remind you that since you didn’t turn on comments, I didn’t bother correcting or leaving suggestions, but what I did do, was notice that this fic is ate-up like a soup sandwich. You have a decent comprehension of written english, but you’re lacking a lot of the finer points necessary for writing a story properly. For example, after an ellipse (...) you’re not supposed to capitalize the next word. There are a lot of punctuation errors ranging from using a comma in dialogue where you should have used a period, to not using question marks. In fact, you have convinced me that you just plain out hate question marks. Also I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of showing vs telling, but you seem to do a lot of telling. Going into examples would be a chore and a half, but allow me to give you some solid advice: read and reread your story, and then peruse this entire document https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit. After that read your story for the third time and prepare to implement what you learned from The Editor’s Omnibus. Your last step should be to find yourself a willing and able editor (you’re on ponychan fic for Celestia’s sake, it shouldn’t take too long), and you should be good for another review unless you go straight to fimfiction.net with this.

Final thoughts: This is just a run-of-the mill “Brony in Equestria” fic, where the main character seems to be loaded with bravado and bad one liners. I refuse to call the main character an Airmen, much less a Blue Angel, and I don’t particularly care to figure out how you intended to incorporate his stunt flight training in this, but I imagine it would have something to do with the Wonderbolts. I had my writing partner read this story with me and let me quote you his thoughts typos and all:
Me:Do you want the next two chapters?
Anonymous User 39: I just clicked on the thing for ch 2
Well, I lost interest
Started skimming
something about starwswirl
and then my attention span snapped into itty bitty pieaces!

You could certainly grab a reader or two from fimfiction.net and I imagine it stands a good chance of not receiving the proverbial axe that is the massive dislike bar since it is written somewhat better than the average Brony-In-Equestria self insert. If you were hoping for EQD, you might want to take a gander at their submission policies.

Overall grade: -C. If you disagree with my thoughts or are adamant in getting your story grammar corrected, feel free to ask any of these lovely folks to review you again. However you and I, much like myself and the Call of Duty series after I saw the trailer for Black Ops 2, are done. You’d best not tarry, you’ve got work to do.
>> No. 114154
File 134373117571.png - (200.97KB , 830x467 , Diamond-Tiara-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-30404772-830-467.png )
I'm going to go ahead and pick up another story for review, I'm still under that whole three for three deal, and I'm actually starting to enjoy reviewing, I might pick up some more in the future.
>> No. 114157
File 134373293835.png - (163.06KB , 757x1056 , pinkie_pie_smiling_by_craftybrony-d4q8iy4.png )
>>114115 Posted 7/30. I can have a review for you tomorrow and since you were so generous as to turn on comments I'll perform editing duties as well.
>> No. 114158
File 134373351427.jpg - (13.77KB , 254x261 , murder.jpg )
>Which rules of Ponychan would those be?
There's a bloody suicide/murder scene in which Pinkie Pie repeatedly stabs another character. 'Nuff said.
>> No. 114160
I wouldn't mind. If he still wants to he can, but I'd like another set of eyes. (Wanted to ask a couple days ago, but didn't want to seem like a jerk, so I kept waiting.)
>> No. 114161
Sounds like you've got it rough. Thanks for the review despite your hardships irl. It's a big help.
>> No. 114167

In his defense, the suicide was faked in order for them to escape, but I can see what you mean.
>> No. 114172
File 134374749577.jpg - (10.09KB , 240x210 , rarity crying.jpg )
I don't like speaking for other reviewers but in this case I feel it's necessary. Hugbox and I do keep regular communication and according to him he's dropped the story. I'd still give him the day to respond but I also know he will be without internet for the next week starting tomorrow so if he doesn't by the end of today then I'm certain he's dropped it. Hugbox if you're reading this I am disappoint!
>> No. 114176
I try to stay patient, but I am getting a bit agitated. I asked for a review here for help to get it past the prereaders, but it's already sent in for the fourth time, and I doubt I'd be able to get a review in time to be of any real help. If anything, I'd just like to have it removed from the queue. Besides, I have another story I'm going to slip in here soon.
>> No. 114178
>15 days making a review.
The gods...
>> No. 114181
File 134375612344.png - (86.00KB , 622x547 , lyra_mlp_by_silent_mongoose-d3jo8yw.png )

Wasn't he supposed to make a thread with you? Anyhoo, thanks for lettings us know, Khakispony.


On behalf of the Training Grounds, I apologize and I will remove your story from the queue as requested. If your reviewer posts a review, I will make sure you get it so that perhaps you can get an idea of your own writing ticks. When you post a new story, I'll make sure to review it myself and get it to it as soon as possible. I hope there's no hard feelings for the Training Grounds on this matter.
>> No. 114195
I'm looking forward to it.
>> No. 114209
Title: The Road to Ponyville

Name: GlueFactory

email: [email protected]

Tags: Adventure, Comedy

Synopsis: It’s one misadventure after another for Pinkie Pie and Rarity as they hoof it home. They'll throw down with angry locals, empty stomachs, tourist traps and the largest confection this side of Equestria. It's not just a question of can make it home. Can they do it together?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24084/1/The-Road-to-Ponyville/Chapter-1

Comments: First off, I'd like to think randomnumbersgohere for their help giving my fic the look see it needed. I'm resubmitting my fic just to make sure everything is ready for submission to Equestria Daily. Thanks again for all your help.
>> No. 114213
File 134377417170.gif - (83.49KB , 256x192 , phoenix-thinking(a).gif )
Short story, short review. This story was a delightful little treat, and considering the subject matter was Princess Celestia’s pent-up underlying guilt and regrets rising up to harass her all at once, I’d say that makes me somewhat of a sadist.

Charaterization: See, the thing about this story is that it innovates in a way that I don’t see in a lot of Celestia fics. All of the beration for the methods Celestia uses to test Twilight, and the questioning of her competence as a monarch a savior, and a sister left me speculating and pondering the origin of the voice up until the very end, and if that was your intent congrats, you made me think. Once again, self-destructive monarach is not a side of Celestia we see very often, and a side that I believe should explored more in-depth.

Grammar, Spelling, and Mechanics: Not a terrible amount of errors, not even an immense amount of errors. Just one or two incomplete sentences and a handful of commonplace errors. Some revisions might be in order, but since I like this fic in concept so much I’ll volunteer my own services to that front.

Final thoughts: Had this story been a bit longer, I could definitely see you making it to EQD, but sadly it falls a little under 600 words short. Aside from that, this was an interesting exploration into the potential stresses and mental anguish that plague Princess Celestia’s psyche. Bravo.

Overall Grade: -A. If you’d like, I’ll work with you on increasing the word , but for now, you and I: we're done.
>> No. 114217
Thank you. Very, very much.
>> No. 114220
Well thank you. No hard feelings, of course.
>> No. 114225
File 134377832637.png - (158.79KB , 900x777 , lyra_and_bon_bon__hug_tiem_by_bronyboy-d4inw4a.png )

In that case, have some hugs. :D
>> No. 114255
Review acknowledged by author via outside channels
>> No. 114258

Expect a review within a few days.
>> No. 114264
Well, Hugbox. You just continue endearing yourself to everyone around here, don't you? I'll take this horribly lengthy 1.5k story off your hands. i wouldn't want you to strain yourself.

Already busy tonight, but you'll get a review tomorrow.
>> No. 114275
File 134379032285.jpg - (7.87KB , 300x168 , angry Rarity.jpg )
I'd defend my internet boyfriend er no that's not the right word partner in reviewing well shit he left before we could start that thread um how about extremely studious reviewer shit man keep your grip on sanity here. Okay I'd defend my friend who I occasionally play tf2 with but there really isn't an excuse to be had here. The sad thing is he probably won't even see that glorious burn.
>> No. 114280
I Don't know where else to put this, so here goes:

I don't remember the last time I read a story from The Training Grounds that I actually, truly enjoyed. But I will be able remember from this point onward.

Do you have any other works?
>> No. 114287
File 134379678152.jpg - (69.63KB , 891x600 , FZappa.jpg )
Sorry 'bout the review takin' its sweet time. I've been a bit distracted with work and the 'limb-picks, in addition to other things I've been reading, but tonight I will read and note-take extensively.
>> No. 114289
File 134379758802.jpg - (10.38KB , 225x225 , patch_temp.jpg )
I'm sure he has a good reason. = He's pulled through splendidly before, it could be just a one-off thing.

Claimed. I don't know squat about Street Fighter except HADOUKEN, so this'll be a good opportunity for you to see if you can trascend mere niche appeal. Comments will come in trickles when time permits.
>> No. 114291

Will be happy to read again, post-revision, and/or check out later chapters!

Review part 2 is here:

(and 1 is here:
>> No. 114293


You really want to know? (Please use clip again if you like.)

Okay, well a much longer project has been in the works for a while, but I haven't really had any luck with it so far. The beginning was far, far too strong and characters were acting downright moronic at times. Oh, and the stupidity had been implanted deep into some of the later chapters too.

Thankfully my ending is mostly intact, and I feel it tends to be on my stronger side. It accomplishes what I wanted it to and in the manner I wanted it to. Everything before that though (the beginning and middle, or, you know, the parts you read to get to the freaking end) are downright awful. I'm very glad on reflection that people didn't let this travesty loose upon the countryside.

I really need to stop listening to music while I write. Great for individual scenes and emotions, lovely for some inspiration once in a while... but terrible for plot and structure. Really hits that concentration hard.

LUS, Gary Stu-ing (much to my horror), comma gluts, strange punctuation errors involving colons and their cousins, telling out the wazoo, all amongst illogical madness that littered it like... um... litter?

It's gotten chewed on pretty bad is what I'm saying.

Still, one of my reviewers suggested some practice after looking at chapter 1, hence the short. Also, they gave me some inspiration for what I hope a much better introduction and plot layout for the longer story.

Major revisions, especially in the beginning, are called for. So now it's all cannons primed, cause I'm done fooling around. Something good is hopefully buried in there. Deep, by the looks of it, but I'll dig it out one way or another.

It'll be back. The story ain't dead yet, so readers and reviewers beware! (Insert maniacal laughter of your choice. I'm partial to Vincent Price myself.)
>> No. 114295
Your grammar/spelling/punctuation sweep is done, good sir, along with a gift full review of the first 1.5 pages or so, all in doc.
>> No. 114297
Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 10: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LfxRjuxvnNXnjViYQbWRc338bhDWtHg1ZucUB2xx4Dg/edit

Comments: I would like to have my review in-doc.
>> No. 114301
File 134380898036.jpg - (122.62KB , 750x565 , 0,1020,1622841,00.jpg )
My oh my is this bad.

Thus far, as I’ve seen, there are holes in this story like Swiss cheese (or Chyrsalis’ leg if you’re into that sort of thing), and you cover them up with a thin veneer of telling where showing is warranted. Before I begin, however, I have a few words on one of the prereader comments, and I want you to read them because I believe they’re relevant to the review as a whole:

> In short, your story is told in a very dry tone, and it explains a lot of intricate details in a redundant manner instead of letting the reader see the cause/effect relationship for themselves (the working jargon for this is "show, don't tell," but I dislike using buzzwords like that in a rejection letter).
This description of telling vs. showing totally misses the mark, in my opinion. “In a redundant manner” — it does not necessarily involve redundancy, but lack of detail. “Instead of letting the reader see the cause/effect relationship for themselves” — this has nothing to do with it. Leaving out cause/effect relationship is something you do when you can imply one thing leads to another. This part of the description is only correct in the sense that if you must explain something to the reader so that they don’t stop believing that you’re telling a convincing story, you’re doing it wrong. Even then, it is less about the cause/effect relationship and more about how the actual causes are described. If causes are described well enough, the reader will pick up on it and the story will feel natural, and even hang on for dear life when something crazy is about to happen and the causes are obvious enough for the soon-to-come effect to be realized. If, on the other hand, causes are just listed off without actually narrating them, like in a police report, it will be obvious to the reader that you are just pulling strings trying to get the story to work, or tossing in causes just to get the effects. Here’s an example:

Freddy then put Bobby Brown’s balls in a vice because she was mad at him.


“For all your years of chauvinism and arrogance,” Freddy declared. She recalled, from testimonies of other women, countless would-be girlfriends left to languish in disrespect, casual sex partners adopted solely for their academic prowess, and even rapes. They had all been from the one handsome, shiny-toothed white slimeball of a man who lay before her as a bound and helpless audience to her pontification. Then, from under the bed, she produced a vice.

So now, to the story:

Style Issues

With your opening passage at large (describing the events in Trottingham), you perform an odd switching of narrative gears as you begin in-media-res and then go into a flashback. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this technique in itself, but your execution of it leads me to believe that you forgot it was a flashback when you were writing it. Here’s the first reason why:
> Memories of the catastrophe in Trottingham flashed through her mind.
You begin memories flashing but then narrate in plain past tense (which again, isn’t wrong in itself) as if the point of narration were continuing smoothly through the adventures of Whirlie Gears. Even the condensed telling that occupies most of it doesn’t diminish this awkward effect (in that one may think it would ordinarily reinforce the past-ness of it), but makes it worse. That is because you’re cramming abstracted meaning into a third-person narrative of a character’s flashback, where only the narrator would be able to make such minimal assessments. Have you ever listened to a war veteran talking? In their wearied and limited capacity to be eloquent, they will tell you events that happened but not in nearly the rich detail that an author of fiction would. That is what I’m talking about. If you need an example, here’s a very good one:

> She never knew exactly what caused the tremors; likely some geological activity below. Since there had been shudders before and they had never damaged her tower, and she had started ignoring them.
A blacksmith is building a very tall tower out of stone, something I doubt any blacksmith in the world of ponies has the unmitigated audacity to embark upon a very large project suited for a mason. She then starts feeling tremors, and despite her does not worry about them? I would think as an amateur engineer she’d at least check the structural integrity of the tower as often as she could, but I digress. The main problem you have here is that you are cobbling together meaning and facts in a very glossed-over fashion that serves no purpose but to make the story hold together, and it doesn’t even do that good a job at it. Wait, there’s more:

> Her trial had been quick, and most of the townfolk had attended. For being a menace to society, wonton property damage, and reckless endangerment, she was sentenced to leave Trottingham forever.
Setting aside how the “menace to society” requires repeat offenses demonstrating that one is capable of menacing behavior, this here ties back in with what has been said about showing versus telling. Now, you could cheat by stripping this down to the bare kernel of information and sprucing it up by finding ways to make the inflection and intonation match some pathos you might try to develop passage-wide (in the flashback), but considering the story’s entire intro may need a re-write, I doubt this would be worthwhile.

> From her vantage point, she spotted her new house described by the local with whom she had been corresponding. It did look ideal: sturdy stone walls, outskirts of town, plenty of open space in back...Her route in skirted town, so she arrived at the house without encountering anypony. As she approached, her curiosity and growing excitement drove her to investigate her new home.
There’s telling all over the place here. First there’s the “local”, which I’ll address later, but then there’s the description of how she arrived in town. Ignoring for the moment how her path to it skirted the edge of town despite the house being at the edge of town (I’m assuming it’s at the opposite side of the town, or halfway there?) it would seem that the journey to the house was a long one and covered a lot of ground because it apparently warranted being seen from a lofty vantage point and the word “route” to describe the road to get there. That being said, you again gloss over it as though the only role in this part of the narration is to get the character from point A to point B. If you don’t care much about this part of the story, why should the reader care? Why include it in the first place? Even if you wanted to do something important in terms of the feeling or tone, you could still describe the journey to her new house in post-hoc character reflections during the part where she’s actually at the new house and doing things in and around it. Take a look, also, at the final sentence. What you’re doing is explaining why she’s fascinated, but not how. That’s just boring. The reader wants to know what crazy thoughts are going through her mind. Now, lest you point to what you write about her musings on the house’s specs just a few lines later: if that is the strong point, then why include this here? It’s just a bland preparation, a spoiler I’d even call it, that steals the thunder from the actual part of the narration that does the heavy lifting.

> Before too long, she had become cheery, and decided she should go inside.
More telling. “Before too long” is just vague-sounding, and you tell the reader how she started feeling in a single six-letter adjective, and top it all off with a very bland declaration that our protagonist here has made a decision.

Plot Holes
> “How was I supposed to know that clouds don’t support tall towers? It’s not like I’ve ever actually been up there to touch them,” Whirlie Gears muttered to herself as she walked down the road, kicking a rock and towing a cart of her possessions.
Let’s set aside the prereader comments for a moment and examine this in light of what actually happened in Trottingham. What I mean to call your attention to is this: it is completely meaningless. Was she expecting clouds to break the fall of the massive stone tower she’d built? Was she planning on it falling? It makes less sense than the midget guru I met in a bar last Thursday.

So anyway, the beginning of this story in a nutshell, assuming that anything not mentioned simply didn’t happen (which is reasonable, don’t you think?): Whirlie Gears inexplicably builds a tower of Pony Babel right under (or over) the noses of the local government of Trottingham. Never in the (presumably long) time it takes her to build such a tower brick-by-brick do any citizens raise concerns about safety of the tower to the local government.

By the way, is this pony a mason? I thought it said she was a “blacksmith” in the story description! —
> She's a blacksmith by trade, but fancies herself an arcane engineer.
Sorry, “blacksmith” slash “arcane engineer”. I guess if you want to summon ancient spirits, you gotta put in the hard work layin’ some bricks like a common work pony.

When and how in her career as a blacksmith did she acquire the resources, time, skills and strength to build a brick tower that goes thousands of feet into the air? That seems like more of a magnum opus than some kind of side project, especially considering it’s made out of stone. Stones are heavy, which makes them somewhat expensive to move from place to place, i.e. from the quarry to the masonyard of whichever dealer is crazy enough to continually supply this crazy blacksmith with her materials.

> From her vantage point, she spotted her new house described by the local with whom she had been corresponding.
Say what now? Who was this local? How and where and when did she make these connections? While in exile? If she had such a support network of ponies willing to give up houses to her, where the hell were they all during her “quick” trial? Things like this require explanation and backstory. It seems just far too convenient that she gets a free new house, despite her penchant for destructive experimentation, just like that (and in Ponyville, no less).

All these things added up, combined with the very scarce manner in which you tell the intro, make your story’s premise and framing seem totally contrived and artificial. I really get the sense that you did not think this story through carefully enough — well, at least not the beginning. The purpose of the beginning, I’m inclined to think, is not just to put the character in place and manufacture the circumstances, but to make a good first impression and get the reader to want to read more. It seems you’re gearing up for a run-of-the-mill OC Goes to Ponyville story, and I think the prereader picked up on this but didn’t spend the effort to properly articulate it.

Sorry, that’s all I can do for now. More later, especially if you are interested in seeing further criticism.
>> No. 114302
File 134380979392.gif - (4.73KB , 102x149 , ani-yuusaku-worried.gif )
♥~Please, be rough with me~ ♥

>>114114 Thank you for claiming my fic, I hope my writing can meet your expectations.
>> No. 114313
Title: Draconequus
Author: cheezesauce
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Dark

Synopsis: Little is known about the creature cast in stone. On the night of an eclipse, an unknown horror is released into the Everfree forest, seeking out the blood of a particular purple pony...

Armed with a mysterious black book and with the help of her friends, Twilight uncovers an ancient evil that once lurked the Everfree forest. One by one, strange occurrences have begun to appear around her. Twilight falls quickly into danger, and she must work out what exactly hides in the shadows, all while her life hangs in the balance. Yet, as time runs short, Twilight realises that she may not be alone working on this nightmare.


It'll be awesome if you could review the whole story. If not, please focus on chapter 6. Thanks in advance.
>> No. 114314
I thank both of you for doing this.
>> No. 114339
>I'm sure he has a good reason. = He's pulled through splendidly before, it could be just a one-off thing.
He's also pulled this crap before with being unreliable. And rather than own up to it this time with at least a half-assed excuse, he just leaves the author hanging to hear about it later from a third party. No. That's not how we roll here.

To the review.

It's a short enough story that I can't really comment on consistent problems with mechanics, since different errors don't get much chance to crop up.

There are a few main problems here. First, you tend to tell too much. In general, the main red flags for telling are overuse of -ly adverbs, "in/with/of <emotion>" phrases, and over-reliance on dialogue and coarse character actions to deliver your emotion. This last bit actually does show more than tell, but if that's all you have, you're just scratching the surface. Place yourself as an observer in the scene and give me what evidence you'd use to deduce a character's emotions rather than just telling me how they feel. Here's a bit of copypasta from a previous review:

Too often, you blatantly give us your characters' emotions rather than presenting them subtly and making us deduce them. When the reader has to figure them out from context clues, it's a much more engaging read and makes the reader identify with the characters more. Your three biggest red flags for telly writing are: overuse of -ly adverbs (you do this a LOT), use of "in/with <emotion>" phrases, and failing to break up dialogue with enough action. On the dialogue piece in particular, let me say that what's said is only half of a conversation. So, how to fix? Dialogue and coarse actions only go so far. We need all of the details. What are your characters' facial expressions, body language, posture? A lot gets communicated that way. How does an actor come out on stage and let you know he's sad? He can say, "I'm sad," and it gives you the information you need, but it's rather boring, and doesn't get you inside his head. Instead, he hangs his head, sighs, won't look anyone in the eye, gets preoccupied by looking at things, is distracted easily, slumps his shoulders, etc. By seeing that, you still get his mood, but you've figured it out on your own. He's made you think and gotten you invested in his character, so what he does is more interesting and engaging. Such is the heart of show-versus-tell. Of course, you don't have to do that all the time. It's not really necessary in expository passages, but is crucial at times of high emotion or important plot points.

The second issue is your narrative voice. You're wavering between third-person limited and third-person omniscient. Simply put, for your purposes, the difference lies in how you convey your character's thoughts. You have the narrator communicate some of the character's thoughts indirectly, which are most apparent when there are questions or opinions in the narration. This method is characteristic of a limited narrator, since he's confined within the character's head and can speak for her. In other places, you state the character's thoughts directly, essentially presenting them as quotations. This method is more appopriate for an omniscient narrator, where that extra distance from the character is shown through the narrator's requirement to present thoughts as a quotation rather than his own voice. You need to pick one of these methods and stay with it.

Your sentence structures get quite repetitive. There are a lot of subject-verb openings. Mix it up a bit. Use more participles and nominative absolutes, and place them, prepositional phrases, and adverbs at the beginnings of sentences to keep from getting in a rut.

Well, you only have one character, and she's curious, studious Twilight. No problems there.

A pretty dry read. It comes across like an essay, because, well, that's pretty much what it is. Part of that would be alleviated by doing a better job of showing vs telling, but there's only so much it can do, since we just have a few writing and thinking actions to use, and what you do have gets repetitive. You keep having her pick up and put down the quill, and furrow her brow for instance. If you just want this to be an informative piece, then that's about the limit of it, but you could turn this into more of a story that's fun to read. As she's thinking through her friends and what their talents are, take me back through her memories. A brief digression on each or even a flashback would enhance the reader's involvement in Twilight's emotions instead of just following her fact sheet. A great example is the reference to Apple Bloom near the beginning. What were they doing there? What did they find related to her name, and what activity are they going to try?

There is definitely an element of cuteness to this story. Bring it out more. The ending was cute as well, but have Twilight attempt an explanation before giving up. You could have some good "d'awww" humor there. Keep writing and have fun with it.
>> No. 114344
Oh, and the "you do this a LOT" comment does not apply to you. I meant to edit that out after pasting that section and forgot.
>> No. 114349
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Thanks for the review. I'm not quite sure what to do with this as i really wanted to just make a simple piece. Not sure how many are out there, but for some reason I kinnda like exposition pieces. I can see how it would be boring to others, though.

>The second issue is your narrative voice. You're wavering between third-person limited and third-person omniscient. Simply put, for your purposes, the difference lies in how you convey your character's thoughts. You have the narrator communicate some of the character's thoughts indirectly, which are most apparent when there are questions or opinions in the narration. This method is characteristic of a limited narrator, since he's confined within the character's head and can speak for her. In other places, you state the character's thoughts directly, essentially presenting them as quotations. This method is more appropriate for an omniscient narrator, where that extra distance from the character is shown through the narrator's requirement to present thoughts as a quotation rather than his own voice. You need to pick one of these methods and stay with it.

Okay there's a reason for this. When I first wrote it, I had it as limited, but was told in reviews that some lines would work better as thoughts. So now I'm slightly confused.

All valid points and i shall work on addressing them
>> No. 114354


It’s one of these stories, again. That’s not me having a pop at you, by the way, it’s just that these stories must tread a fine line. Too much gratuitous, well, sad, and it’ll be melodramatic, but not enough and it simply won’t allow the suspension of disbelief to kick in.

And I’m delighted to say that you did it almost perfectly.

In terms of story mechanics, aside from those little, niggling errors that I pointed out in the doc itself, I can’t really fault you. Everything flowed really smoothly, there weren’t any changes in tense or viewpoint as far as I can see, and nothing stood out to me as being wrong for the style you were going for, which brings me onto the characterisation. Again, nothing to report here. Applejack’s internal monologues and her observations fit her perfectly, and the actions of her parents seemed perfectly natural, with just enough hinting at them in the rest of the story to put a little bit of meat on what could have been very bare bones. There wasn’t really enough of Celestia to really get much to fault you on, but her views on AJ’s passage do seem fitting for the ideas you’ve put into this story.

As for style and actual storytelling… that’s where I get a little muddled. You give no explanation as to how Applejack died, or how far into the ‘future’ this is, so to speak, but that’s unavoidable considering how the first pages are written. Plus, once it gets to the point where it’s obvious what’s happened, the writing is too strong for such a question to arise.

Or… is it, really? There seems to be a number of places where you are telling when you could be showing. For example, it’s stated that AJ recalls all the fond memories she made in Ponyville, rather than her actually thinking them. She doesn’t, say, notice the woods on the outskirts of town, and immediately think of her part-race-part-fight with Rainbow. It’s outright said that joy is building in her heart to see her parents again. She directly mentions that she hates seeing her family upset.

But… at the same time, the entire thing is from Applejack’s viewpoint. It’s her internal monologue, and her thoughts directly put onto the page with occasional actions, rather than a third-person narrative. It’s an introspection, more than anything, and I don’t think AJ would be one to mince her thoughts like that. It’s the same reason why I left all of those little ‘mistakes’, like ‘tyme‘. So I can’t really call that wrong.

Or maybe it’s just me not quite knowing what I’m doing with regards to showing vs. telling, and my own enjoyment of the story clouding my objectivity. Yes, I did really enjoy this story, and, to me at least, it painted a very good picture of Applejack’s passage through her own eyes.

I really hope that, somewhere in that ramble, there was something useful to you :)
>> No. 114373
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To be honest, I found the premise of this story to be rather interesting. Other than some confusion in the beginning, the story itself is very straightforward. Unfortunately, there are many issues that I feel are holding it back.

I have no doubt that this review will echo much of what khakispony has to say.


At the beginning of your story, Ghost states the following:

"We have a rare chance to interview the Elements of Harmony’s wielders.” Ghost stamped his hoof. Flare jumped on his back. “It’s my job as the Princess’ scribe to record this.” Ghost face split into a grin. “I’m literally making history."

First off, why exactly is this a “rare chance”? Why is RIGHT NOW the only opportunity for Princess Celestia to interview the Mane Six? Wouldn't a more appropriate time have been immediately following the events of S1E1+2? That would make more sense to me. Moreover, why does she want a book written? You need to provide her with a motive for making this decision, and it better not be “because she felt like it”. I'm not afraid to slap you.

Fix this, and I believe the plot will be solid. I'm going to defer any further concerns regarding the plot in hopes that everything will be sorted out in future chapters. You also mentioned something about explosions and pirates. I was disappointed when neither showed up in this chapter.

Now we get to the juicy stuff.


Here is where a majority of your problems lie.

One thing I noticed that pops out all over the place is that, while you do make an effort to describe a setting, you fail to take your descriptions far enough to engage me, the reader. I'll use your description of Ghost's room as an example:

"His room was large and filled with all manner of writing implements, with the back wall being an entire bookshelf filled with binders, notebooks, and scrolls. While his room was large, it was not all that well furbished. A bed was against the left wall, just under the rooms only window, and at the base of the bed was a file cabinet. There was also a closet in the right wall, which held his two robes. His walls were bare, save for a painted picture of Ghost himself sitting at a desk, hard at work. The floor was currently dirty with balled up papers, full of ideas Ghost had abandoned, and several busted quills."

Sure, you describe the location of things relative to each other and the room. That's great and all, but this is very boring. I need some colors. I need a mood. I need feeling. Perhaps show the reader how Ghost feels about the way his room is arranged. He must have it this way for a reason. Also, words like “right” and “left” convey very little meaning. When I draw this setting in my mind, who's to say where my point of view is? Am I at the door? Am I looking over Ghost's shoulder? Perhaps I'm floating above him looking down like the damn Sims, or something. You get the idea.

You tend to use the following form repeatedly, especially after dialogue:

…,” he said adverb-ly, verb-ing adverb-ly.

For example:

>Ghost said, looking around as he bounced nervously.
>Ghost said fiercly, throwing a glance to the door.
>Flare said telepatically, as he hid inside Ghost's robes.
>Flare said skeptically.
>Twilight asked warily, as she took a step back from Flare.
>Ghost said, tongue-tied and blushing slightly.
>Rarity said interrupting Ghost.
>Ghost said nervously, as he shed himself of his cloak and bag

I could go on. You also use it when characters aren't speaking:

>Celestia nodded, smiling slightly at Ghost's actions.
>Ghost smiled slightly, shaking his head.

While it's acceptable to do this occasionally, it should be kept to a bare minimum. Overuse of this form is just lazy writing. To quote sithicus helpicus:

"At this point, the primary issue remaining is that the scene retains a very “he said, she said” feel, and when I say that I don’t mean that you overused the word ‘said’. I understand and can sympathize with your dislike of word repetition, but there are other ways to combat this than just replacing the word said with a more situational synonym. In fact, the constant replacing actually causes a degrading of readability: if you kept every line ending in, “said X” you would actually discover a more positive reaction overall! … And that in a nutshell is the magic of writing: looking for the ways to tell people things without having to explicitly state them. They often call that “Show, Don't Tell”. When a pony is upset, look for ways to reveal this through her words and actions. If a pony is distinctive, let those distinctions handle some of your exposition for you."

You need more variation in your action verbs. Honestly, it gets rather boring to picture a pony performing the same action over and over again. You, my friend, have a serious case of the 'sighs'. Let's look at the stats, shall we?

9 instances of “shrugging”
11 instances of “shaking”
21 instances of “sighing”
24 instances of “frowning”

And to top it all off:

35 instances of “smiling”

Seriously. Cut that out.


You are inconsistent with punctuation.

>The Princess said, as Ghost let her in.

You do this a lot. In the above example, the comma is not necessary. It's an easy fix if you always make this mistake, but sometimes you do punctuate it correctly. I didn't mark every instance of this because I'm pretty sure my computer would have exploded. TTG provides several links to quality grammar guides and I highly recommend that you take a look at them. A simple google search will also prove fruitful.

Gonna have to cut this short now.

Misc Notes

-I'd work a little on AJ's accent. You're probably okay.

-You switch perspective characters too much for me to really get engaged in a scene. Try to do this less frequently.

With that, I leave you. This story needs some work. I highly suggest you get one of the more experienced reviewers to take a look. They will be able to provide much better advice. This story has promise. Then again, so does every story. It just takes the right author.

Best of luck,

>> No. 114389

Thanks, Pup Tent.

Yes, the follow-up email last night from the pre-reader came to the same conclusion you did about this part just setting things up. The intent was not to just make her become friends with the main characters, however (but so far no one is willing to get that far!). I'm starting to think I should just scrap the first couple of chapters and start somewhere nearer the middle. Perhaps come back to it later.

And to answer the question -- no, she's no mason, just a pony with dreams of getting into the sky who doesn't seem to know what, exactly, she's good at yet [which is the primary portion of the story]. The opening with the tower was really intended to be downplayed (and the original version submitted to EqD had it as such) so that it was a bit of a comical backstory.

Oh...and the idea was that she had purchased the house, not just randomly gotten it for free. But I never actually wrote that, so I can see where the confusion comes from.
>> No. 114401
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A crossover with Street Fighter? Why didn't this happen before!? My beard friggin' approves of the awesomeness! Let's hammer this baby to turn it into a wonder so manly that'll make chesthair burst all over everyone who reads this.
>> No. 114411
File 134394362529.jpg - (119.02KB , 1000x1000 , YEA.jpg )
>> No. 114415
File 134394567099.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona 2.png )

Line by line review on doc. I'm far from being an expert, not having English as a mother language, so there may be things that I left unchecked. Correct everything before submitting to a pre-reader or anything.

Thing that I found commonly:

Lack of vocative commas: It's actually an issue that can totally change the meaning of a sentence. Example:

“You see my son?” VS “You see, my son?” When you want to emphasize who someone’s talking to, you use the so-called vocative comma.

Another thing. Sometimes you don’t capitalize things that should be, like “Ursa Major” (I think)

Sometimes paragraphs seem chunked. There are some of them that are hard to follow, because they combine talking lines, actions that the speaker does and some narrative. Splitting those correctly will make the reading easier.

You have some OOC scenes. I usually don’t mind a bit of it, especially considering that I work mostly crossovers… But Spike trying to get advantage of Rarity’s unconsciousness? Twilight being waaaaaaay to calm considering an Ursa Major is destroying a city a mere 30 feet away from her? What about AJ when Zangief throws her sister the hell away IN THE URSA MAJOR’S GENERAL DIRECTION? A wise man told me that sometimes keeping the character in character (not expecting things to happen and reacting how they’ll do on the show) makes for funnier scenes (someday I’ll polish/rewrite my crackfic).

I don’t really like how Mayor Mare is portrayed. At least I don’t understand why she’d demand to be refered to informally in any case, especially in the middle of a clusterfuck like that.

Aside from that: MAN, this is the kind of thing I’d like to read more often! If has action, punching, wrestling, nudity! (oh, check that, you may get in a teeny tiny bit of trouble)… That’s how you write a story! Sure, we all like a sob story of a “wovy kissy” shippy stuff,but we need more of THIS. FEAST YOUR EYE ON THESE (when completely edited)
>> No. 114416
File 134394667316.gif - (11.22KB , 222x224 , JIN.gif )
I hear you loud and clear, sir! I'll definitely get to fixing and revising this immediately, and I'm glad that I could deliver. Thanks for your time!
>> No. 114424
Tags: [Adventure][Normal]

Synopsis: Following the Royal Wedding, Twilight returns home to Ponyville and believes everything is fine. However, she begins to feel resentment and anger towards her friends for not having listened to her or taken her concerns about the fake Cadance seriously. Having never been let down in such a way by her friends before, she struggles with finding it in her heart to forgive them for their mistakes.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/41966/Twilight-Alone

Chapters: 1-2

Comments: I'm primarily looking for grammar help, as that's the area I struggle with the most and is the thing that gets specifically called out as a problem (including by EQD). It's also an area that I'm trying to learn.

Any other feedback is welcome of course, but I really am in need of grammar assistance most of all.

Thanks. :)
>> No. 114430
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Thanks for taking the time to review! I appreciate the both the praise and criticism, as I've been trying to get this fic in shape before I release it on an unsuspecting public. I may tweak it a bit before release and subsequent submission to EqD, but I think you for the advice all the same!
>> No. 114431
File 134395655646.jpg - (7.04KB , 304x166 , adorable.jpg )
We gonna get a new TG thread soon?
>> No. 114436
File 134396344482.jpg - (55.39KB , 490x567 , Frank+Zappa (1).jpg )
Thanks for coming back to respond, and I'm glad to see you've taken all my criticism in stride. About when are you thinking of starting it (in terms of location in the story)? Would you like for me to continue somewhere in the middle?
>> No. 114437
On my own pals personal blogs they already have put in me personally for their web site moves, yet my service normally sits at the bottom belonging to the listing and doesn't listing when I article as it truly does for other individuals. Is video arranging when i must alter or perhaps is video alternative they've already crafted?
>> No. 114438
File 134396380521.jpg - (162.58KB , 1024x768 , XsGq7.jpg )
New iteration of The Training Grounds is here:
Please post further comments and responses to comments in the new thread, in addition to all further review requests.

> pic is everyone's favorite otter
>> No. 114444
>>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD! >>114434 NEW THREAD!
>> No. 114475
*thank. Fat fingers and bourbon do not mix.
>> No. 114495
Thanks for taking the time to review. There are only a couple of (minor) things I'd disagree with you on, but overall your advice was extremely helpful.
>> No. 114514
Hey, thanks for reviewing To Endure. Sorry that this is so late - scratch that, it's super duper late - but I'd already talked to the one who was reviewing it before you and my brain just didn't make the connection.

I'm glad to say that I've worked on all of the issues you outlined, and I hope to see it on EqD soon.
>> No. 114530

Wow... that's a lot.

Thanks! Your hard work is greatly appreciated!
>> No. 114548

Thank you very much for taking the time to review my fic. Your help has been tremendous.
>> No. 114653
Right. Claim
>> No. 114698

Still waiting for your second pass over it before I resub! Hope I did well!
>> No. 114716
File 134410289097.jpg - (254.23KB , 1146x877 , BII.jpg )
Hello. This is the first time I am here. Equestria Daily has rejected my fic twice due to grammar errors. Is this where I can get someone to perhaps proofread my work? If I am at the right place, here is the link to the fic:

>> No. 114720
Welcome to /fic/!

Very close, but this version of the thread is in auto-sage. The version you'll want to post in is >>114434. Also, be sure to read the submission guide at the top of the post, so you know what info to include, and so that you add yourself to the queue.
>> No. 114745
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SYNOPSIS: "Future Wonderbolt, coolness incarnate, and all-around awesome. Is it any surprise that everypony wants a piece of Rainbow Dash?

Not that she wants anypony to take a piece, mind you. All she wants to do is live her life. That's something she finds relatively hard to do when everypony she meets falls in love with her on sight, though."

Inspired by the perception that RD has been shipped with everyone, I made everyone want to be shipped with her. Hilarity (supposedly) ensues, as RD tries to have a somewhat normal life whilst avoiding anyone who might try to seduce her.

TAGS: Comedy



LINK TO STORY: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/39790/Everypony-Loves-Rainbow

COMMENTS: Equestria Daily pre-reader said:

"Author, I grinned like a fool all through reading this, but I can't recommend it for posting just yet.
Look for errors in the following areas:
•Awkward shifts to second person
•Semicolon use
•Hyphen/dash use
•Ellipsis use
The grammar remains the only thing that's stopping this. This is the story's second strike out of a possible three."

I tried to solve these problems (thus the two strikes), but I don't think iIm a particularly good self-editor, so I thought I'd try consulting some actual professionals. I’d love some help on fixing these niggling issues of mine. Though, obviously, any additional help that can be thrown in would be immensely appreciated.
>> No. 114835
Thankyou for your time to review my story. I will work hard to write all future stories to a higher caliber.
>> No. 114913
All my dibs
>> No. 114915
>>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD >>114434 NEW THREAD
>> No. 117538
The review has been acknowledged by AlphaNova
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