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113916 No. 113916
I have a very dark but possibly interesting idea for a fanfic, here is the synopsis.

Celestia and Luna are not the only alicorns that keep charge of the day and night. There is a third, hidden alicorn prince(Description: Black coat, white mane, and silver horn)that opens the gateway on the plane of existance during dusk and dawn to allow the the passing of the moon and sun. He has lived and died a thousand times, only able to exist in the twilight. But one day, still trapped in his stone prison, Discord manages to gain enough power to pull Crepusc (which will be the alicorn's name) from the sky. This traps Equestria in an eternal dawn, the sun unable to rise and the moon unable to fall. Inevitably, this alicorn crashlands in the everfree forest, losing his memory. The only thing he has retained is an instintcual martyrdom, feeling that he does not deserve a sliver of generosity. Not only that, but Discord's spirit has leaked out and is wreaking havoc across the land. Crepusc is the only one who can stop him. In the end, Crepusc's tale is revealed to be one of an ultimate sacrifice for his sisters.
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>> No. 113922
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This is neither "very dark" nor "interesting."

Like... every element of your story has been done before except the "only can live during twilight," which... needs some working.

But seriously, you've got a(n):
-OC Alicorn (these rarely work) who is black and white (a very overused coloring)
-sense of martyrdom / self-loathing
-and he's the only one who can stop a disaster from taking place

Like... this sounds like Chekov's shooting range, where you invent a problem that only the character can solve. There's no dilemma there, nor is there any inherent suspense.

Try again, but focus more on the "eternal dawn" aspect—that was by far the only interesting part of this idea.
>> No. 113926
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>> No. 113928
So... get rid of Crepusc? Or be a little less cliche? I'm new to this.
>> No. 113929
Oh wait no I get what your saying.
>> No. 113930
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Please direct your attention to the sticky and, by proxy, the Story Forge.
>> No. 113931
If you were less cliche, then the changes made to... Crepsuc... would make him a different character.
>> No. 113938
Mods, may we have a lock but not 404? I don't want to lose the critique so far.
>> No. 113982
Locked by request
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