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115804 No. 115804
Welcome to my first review thread, enjoy your trip and remember to keep your seatbelts on... Let's cut to the chase, shall we? I'm a writer. I have two stories on my back, both of them well accepted by the community, but I've never tried reviewing before. Summer came, and I found myself with a lot of time in my hands. I adivise you to take my suggestions (when they're not purely grammar-related) with a pinch of salt, but feel free to throw yourself in the pit of despair with me, it's going to be a fun ride.

The rules of this game are simple, my little grasshoppers:
1) I'm going to read through anything that isn't Gore/Clop. Keep it in /fic/'s limits.
2) When you post, write the title of your story, your name, a link to the Fanfic(Gdocs is highly preferred) and a short description .
3) I will read your story and review it following a chronological order.
4) Remember that right now I'm 8 hours away from the Usa, so I'll be doing the work while you're (probably) sleeping. If you lean your ear against the wall in the dead of the night, you can hear my old mechanical keyboard... That means the time has come, little one.

Shower me with your work,/fic/.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 115810
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Good luck on this thread.
>> No. 115829
Aww. Italian rainbow. Lampobaleno.
>> No. 115838
I'll also gladly be the first here as well! This is also in Hugbox's queue and WAS in the TG!

Title: Before the Dawn
Author: Figments
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Dark (Maybe?), Adventure (Still kinda iffy)

Synopsis: Plagued by visions of a mysterious figure, Twilight sets out to find a creature that calls itself Iliad. Yet after one of her friends is taken by the very being, the Elements are in for their greatest challenge yet. Can Twilight solve the riddle of her dreams, or will she be forced to confront the biggest decision that she never wanted to make?


Requiem: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yP7df1jrmYRaJsPgh-x973tU1EvPJrL6sMpgIiti-pI/edit

Comments 'n' stuffs: I've been really unsure whether or not I should start the story a few days prior to this one, to kind of set it up a bit. An input on this is really appreciated.
>> No. 115854
I read the first five pages. You'll find my comments,mostly regarding grammar and some syntax errors, on the docs. Now, for the review.

The idea itself isn't bad, but your prose really needs a hand. You use archaic and exacerbate words way too often and in the wrong place:"Shaking her head to dismiss the disbelief, she pressed onwards". It's shining armor and filly twilight walking on a street, not an army attacking. You have some problem with commas and "and" together, which I pointed out every time I found them. The problem with what's past the fifth page, other than the fact that there are many other users' comments, is that they're all saying the same things I think (what parent in their right mind would give a filly a book that could bring you twenty years in hell if the rituals written in it are performed).
Read all my comments and the other reviewers. Wait until Hugbox reads it and points out the major problems. Right now the story Could work if edited, but it really needs some major editing.
>> No. 115865
*sniff* Love that new thread smell!

Title: Under A Luminous Sky: Chapter Seven
Tags: Dark
Word COunt: 6026
Synopsis:Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

Chapter Synopsis: After a bad run-in with the local sheriff, Twilight, Rainbow and Bentgrass sneak into the hospital to examine the new bodies.


I hope you can review this without having read the previous chapters, mainly because I don't want to force you to read it all. But if you need context, here is the current published story:
>> No. 115869
Also, this is in Umbra's thread, too. Want to get a few different opinions, you know?
>> No. 115918
Well, for being dark this one's dark but with good limits. There's some comedy, the usual allusive scene you get with action movies, and some adventure. I'm not going to delve in those but Instead I'm going to focus on the dark part. I remember you had a problem with the gore scene( if my memory doesn't fool me) but you seem to have contained it pretty well; I've seen worse stuff on EqD, mostly coming from the beginning though, so I can't really say anything about it. I've jotted down a comment with a particularly gruesome part there, but all the rest seems fine. I've read through it to the end, but I stopped the grammar reviewing at the second page, just to get an idea of how you write. No big problems there, just a couple awkard wordings and some lines that need some adjustment. I can't say I'm a great action fan, and the Story in itself isn't that great... But it works. It flows. It's not a masterpiece but it's not bad, it's a story. keep up the good work and listen what Umbra says, he's more experienced than me in this kind of stuff.
>> No. 115934
Well. Thank you for reading even if you didn't like it. Awkward phrasing kills me still. I'll give it another look once I get off work.
>> No. 116226
Open to new submissions! Come one come all!
I may be new at this but I don't bite.
...You didn't need that shoulder anyway.
>> No. 116241
It's the normal procedure here to, in case your own thread has no submissions, to grab one or two from the training grounds, post your review here, and then make a post linking them to the reviews you did in your thread.
>> No. 116256
thanks for the tip, I'm on it.
>> No. 116290
I believe anon said you should post the review here and then link to your thread in the training grounds. This way people can glance at your thread and see the quality of your reviews. (somewhat)
>> No. 116294
I keep forgetting how to braen.
>> No. 116295
Review of : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZX7Pa2tqgfLAHKLGkrmaJpW-gAQZyDfmj1dhPcmS2yo/edit

I've corrected every synthax error/grammar I've seen.
Now, about the story:
The story in itself is not badly written, it's a good fic, maybe a bit random,but it made me grin a couple of times; The pacing is good, the jokes are ...the kind you'd assume from a fic, which technically isn't bad, it's the average. I enjoyed reading it and now taht is mostly error free, it stands out as a comedy fic worthy of only thumbs. It is silly, but enough not to make it boring... Not bad.
Sage because I keep derping.
>> No. 116298
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Probably the shortest review I've ever had... out of the two that I now have...

Anyways, thanks for the review, even if I would have liked it a little more in-depth.

(pic is related because I say it is)
>> No. 116435
Review of: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15DLl7LoxTZCyoUxRTYKZOqYVtYsDp-env1Hp1GKrxm4/edit?pli=1

This was a work of titanic proportions, despite the shortness of the fic.

I really had to go on with this with a heavy hand. I have almost rewritten everything, (no shame in that, we all started that way) and I think you'll need another editor to look at your story; I went through every error I have found in the first 7 pages or so, but I can't say the same about the last two...As I said before, it was a hard task. Now, for the review.

The plot of story starts nicely, with Rainbow Dash receiving a new pair of headphones she had bought to replace the ones scotaloo broke in an attempt at djing. Then... A cannonball. This is something that its' supposed to be silly comedy gold, right? A cannonball almost hits you while you're listening to your favourite song.
I have to say though, that it made me only go "what". I suppose it's your interpretation of "oh pinkie pie. You’re so random."...and it works. You’d expect her to do such a thing....but you should re-write it following what I said in the comments. The story follows the tf2 style of capturing the flag from the blu team and bringing it to the red capture point. There's some interesting sections, for example when dash and applejack work together to beat the heavy, but the story needs some heavy (pardon the pun) rewriting, an operation that I have only started. Now, for another thing...
What the hay was with the lesbian kiss scene? I mean seriously. It’s so sudden. There’s nothing to hint it before. You just made flutterhsy kiss aj for no goddamn reason. I advise you to either work on it to make it credible, hint about their relationship maybe, or delete the entire scene, since it doesn't add anything except for another really awkward "what " moment
>> No. 116478
Well, I'm back here after a turbulent summer, checking in before the stormy autumn weather comes in. Considering your timezone should be close to vikingland, I'm not terribly worried about working hours here, huehuehue.

Current chapter:

In Equestria, shortly after the foiled changeling invasion, Princess Luna is having nightmares. Terrible nightmares that have been going on for weeks now, and won't let her sleep. Determined to get rid of this problem, she turns to her sister who comes up with some unorthodox methods of curing her.

On Earth, 1634, another princess (slightly more human and slightly younger) is having similar problems, and turns to - what else - an American psychiatrist. American, because human civilization was recently treated to a rare case of timewarping when a hillbilly town from 21st century West Virginia was dumped into the middle of Germany 3 years ago.

Needless to say, the nightmares aren't exactly unrelated, and a bunch of things start to go wrong - much as you would guess they would, when a crazy pony guided by a treacherous jötunn inside her head starts drawing the strings of space, time and dimensions where she pleases.


Mainly, I want advice on editing and story flow, because that's what I seem to be having the most issues with at the moment.
I hope you'll like the story.

>> No. 116480
I missed my tags.

TAGS: Adventure, HIE, POE, Crossover, Dark (eventually)

Crossover with Eric Flint's 1632 series.
>> No. 116509
As Pony Joel is my witness, I'm finishing this. It will take some time though.
>> No. 116511
but even if Joel gave me his mighty strength, I'd still kindly ask you to enable comments on your Gdocs document.
>> No. 116521
I thought i did that last time I was here...
Doing now.
>> No. 116752
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Hey Trela, I'm back.

I've got another chapter for you to review of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Hooves.

I've just gone ahead and updated the gdocs from the first chapter. However, if you don't still have the link, then here it is again.


Thanks in advance. Also, it's a little rough right now. I'll be going back and making my own edits shortly. I just wanted to go ahead and get the ball rolling on the review.
>> No. 116843
This one brought me a smile in an exceedingly tiring day. Good job.

The grammar/syntax is good, I haven't found any real problems with it, and the plot flows nicely. The jokes run but without clogging the writing. I do have to say I am impressed.

Now for the plot:
Twilight and Trixie are solving a problem, and like real mares do, they solve it with a... bare knuckle boxing fight? Huh. Interesting. The story is centered about twilight first finding Trixie and then preparing and fighting her. I'm not going to spoiler anything for you folks, though...you'll just have to read it when it hits the presses. Or now if you want. The jokes are not bad too, you've got to know just enough about pop culture (and books) to understand them, but they manage to get out a smile or a chuckle all the time. I'm not a pony comedy fan. I'm more of a sad/ normal /slice of life kind of guy, but this tickles my funny bone and it tickles it good, my friends. If you're looking for a chance to laugh at some seriously silly twilight/spike moments, then take a read at this fic.
>> No. 116943
Location: https://docs.google.com/?tab=wo&authuser=0#folders/0B0N5t7e85qiQNVBfNkZELVh0dDg

Discord's statue has vanished from where Celestia had put it in the royal dungeons, but it doesn't seem to be because Discord himself has escaped. Rather, somepony has stolen it. Now the Doctor and is loyal companion Derpy will search time and space to find the culprit. Bring on the drums!
>> No. 116945

Also can be found here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/35853/A-Storm-of-Chaos%3A-A-Doctor-Whooves-Adventure
>> No. 116967
I never watched a doctor who episode and my only knowledge of the series comes from some internet references and the weeping angels (Scp 173 brought me there)... but I'll be damned if reading this didn't make me want to start watching some episodes. The writing is really fluid, the story is actually really interesting and I haven't found any kind of major error in all those 13 K words neither regarding grammar or syntax, which is something rare. The relationship between the doctor and Derpy is solid, the characters are well conceived and their characterisation is great. Hell, even the paragraph breaks with "~DrW~" were a clever idea. I really look forward to review the rest of this story.
>> No. 116985
When Agent Overcast from the Equestrian Secret Service is assigned to the Equestrian Mines to investigate the disappearances of some miners, he finds himself trapped in something much deeper than anypony could have ever guessed. Along with Rainbow Dash and Twilight, he discovers that the mines hold a secret. A secret that threatens to unleash a horror like Equestria has never seen before.


5711 words


I ran this past EqD and received my second strike. Its apparently close, but not quite there. Here's some copy/paste from the rejection e-mail.

> your wording on this gets a little rough / dry in places.

> , but Dash / Overcast's arguably-pointless conversation about... how you're really rubbing it in the face of the audience that you've read Dash Academy... really distracts from the important part of that scene: where they're headed, where they are, and how they're all reacting to what's happening.

Those are the two big points aside from > you only need a moderate-but-thorough editing sweep. (Taken from chat with the pre-reader.)

So, grammar within the first few pages (and beyond that, I would be willing to bet.), the conversation scene between OC and Dash, and sprucing up that wording. That's what I humbly ask you to help me with.

Please and thank-you.
>> No. 117012
Title: 30 Days

Author: Sean

Description: [Shipping][Rollercoaster] It has been said Equestria has more love than any other kingdom in the world. However, with a single kiss Vinyl Scratch, a.k.a. DJ P0N-3, reveals a new kind of love to Equestria, and sends a shockwave throughout the highly-conservative society.

As Vinyl Scratch's controversy turns her life into a downhill struggle, many ponies rush to her aid, many coming out and admitting they too are lovers of a different kind. Others claim insanity and that the DJ is nothing but a deviant that will endanger society through her taboos.

Join the Mane 6, Vinyl Scratch, Sapphire Shores, Lyra, Bon-Bon, Gilda, and many, many others in a story about fighting for the right to be who you truly are.

A lot can happen over the course of a month.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bva2z3xRJUrpDhRgSYwjqXQUAIIylCZme2w9bcqOfJI/edit

I'm expecting at least a fair amount of grammatical errors. I've proofread it, but that doesn't mean I haven't overlooked all the mistakes.

Another concern I have is repetition. Do I use certain words or idioms too often over the course, of 6100 words?

Thank you for your time and patience. I hope you enjoy the prologue.
>> No. 117014

Thanks for the kind words--and the little edits I still needed. I'm running on my last strike over at EqD, so any help I get is of course super appreciated.

You've also allayed one of my fears of the fic overall. I wasn't sure if a non-Whovian brony would still enjoy it. You've proven that they would. Thanks.
>> No. 117159
Talking and edits were done in the docs(thank god I don't need to actually point out everything in greentext, saves me a lot of time).
The story needed some edits and the writing was a bit mechanical here and there, but I really ejoyed it. I see you've already worked on the dash part, good. Now, for the review:

Dead space. great game and possibly a great inspiration for a crossover fic. We start with a discussion about missing ponies in an iron mine, possibly the worst location to be in a necromorph spawn situation, where a strange old statue has been unhearted. If you've played thte game, you'll know where this is going...

This chapter sounds like a good prelude for something scary as hell, the writing works and the action is well paced. The little problems that needed help there were fixed yesterday and now that I'm re-reading it all seems fine. I say it's ready for the limelight, EQD that shit.
>> No. 117165

Thank you for the kind words, sir. I do intend on making this story as scary as possible without exceeding my limits.

I did indeed find this review helpful and will hopefully work with you in the future.
>> No. 117187
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Okay here goes!

Title: For The Craft
Author: Compendium of Steve
Tags: Normal, Light-Horror

Description: An artist does a lot to maintain their ability. Practice, dedication, and an ongoing appreciation all go into the upkeep and advancement of their respective crafts. In the case of Frederick Horseshoepin, it takes something more.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XIoS9E8fnRbQNXDEqruAyaYh5bOS2CkWLQxmpEzc0ig/edit

Main concerns atm with this is making the intro more interesting/sinister and making the character Capriccio more than average. Made some changes, but am still looking for feedback on improvement.
>> No. 117283
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Trela, it is I, The great alexmagnet, and I'm requesting your services yet again. I have finally finished the final chapter of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Hooves. I would like you to review it for me as you have done with the previous chapters.

I'll warn you now that this one is quite a bit longer than the other two and as such I have split it into two parts, though they will both technically be Chapter 3.

Oh, and the same as before. This might be a bit rough as I haven't gone back to fully proofread and such yet, but I will shortly. Thanks again.

Link again, in case you need it.

>> No. 117299
Everything will have to wait until the /fic/ write-off of mlpchan ends, gentlemen. I'll be returning to my work on the 27th.
>> No. 117307
Thank you for letting us know. I'm going to stop waiting with my eyes glued to the monitor and do something productive now.
>> No. 117622

Chapters 8 and 9 of A Storm of Chaos (https://docs.google.com/?tab=wo&authuser=0&pli=1#folders/0B0N5t7e85qiQNVBfNkZELVh0dDg) are out. You know, when you have the time.
>> No. 117637
I read and that and I was pleased. I've also read through Garnot's review, who corrected any error I might have found while reading, and... I simply can't say anything about it. I liked the execution, the way you wrote sapphire and vinyl was believable, the story had that kind of "slice of life behind the scenes". The shipping seemed a bit railroaded but not too forced. After all though I must say that even though the story in itself was well written, I felt kind of bored by the plot. This is your first story anyway, not much of a problem, and I know that any other critic that likes shipping more than me would probably tell you otherwise.

Overall this was good, even though the shipping was a bit forced.
>> No. 118259
By the way, I derped, and didn't add the subject for that >>117637
>> No. 118260
Well, that was an interesting read. There are still some problems with your writing and they must be fixed, mostly the overuse of commas and opening scenes with "then", and I can give you a hand with that. I pointed out some examples, but in order to learn you need to try spot them yourself, if you need a help just reply on the docs and I'll come.
Can't talk about the story without spoilering everything, but the villain is a deceivous one; I almost wanted to comment "get to the point!" but it was actually a build-up for... well you'll see it when you read it.
CoS' "for the craft" everyone.
>> No. 118368
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Huh, that's all? Well, it's mainly positive, so I'm not complaining!

Glad you liked it, and I'll definitely hop to fixing those errors. Onward to editing!
>> No. 118372

"Spike was tired of hearing the tales of Rarity's coltfriends, and how they amaze her. Going home sad and broken, he found a black notebook that granted him the power to kill anypony as long as he had their name and face. He made a steely resolve to protect Rarity... at any cost."

Written for National Pony Writing Month; 50,001 words long. And that extra word is going to nag me for years to come.


Thanks for your time.
>> No. 118384
Due to work/ external problems I cannot review fanfiction longer than 10 K words without an incredible wait... and I suppose It'd take me a month/a month and a half to review your work, given that I also proofread. If you are willing to wait that much, I admire your great patience.
Feel free to drop this in another review thread or maybe in the training grouds.
I might review one with more than 10 K in case it captures my attention/ has been previously posted (Storm of chaos being an example of both), but even in that case I'm not taking anything longer than 20/25 K words.
>> No. 118429
Well shoot, now I feel embarrassed. *ahem* I am totally willing to wait. Every bit of advice from reviews count, and if I have to wait a month for a review, I'll wait.

Thanks for your time anyhow.
>> No. 118517
I suggest you the trianing grounds, it's a variety or reviewers that usually have more time in their hands than I do at the moment. Also, as I said, One month was indicative; I only take 10 K fics right now and 20 if they're really interesting/I have less work to do. Your fic is double the wrods of my maximum limit. Sorry to disappoint you.
>> No. 118546
Please, lock the thread.
Quitting Mlp for an indefinite time.
Sorry for the requests. I really am.
Have a good day.
>> No. 118547

So sorry to see you go! Oh well, have a fun time doing whatever you're going to be doing.
>> No. 118559
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Thread locked by OP's request.
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