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117791 No. 117791
#Discussion
Hey there everypony, long time no see. I just finished my first full fic, and before I continue on my path I would like some help. I was wondering if anypony would like to be my prereaders? That way I can make my stories as good as possible. If you want to help, please comment on this thread and/or email me. If you want more info, comment me and ask. Thanks so much.
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>> No. 117794
>First full fic
The Training Grounds are here: >>117047
I'd suggest posting your story there if you want someone to give you feedback.
>> No. 117795
Oh, if you have any questions please ask in the #fic IRC here: http://derpy.me/g6oiu
>> No. 117796
>>117794
Thanks. I looked at that thread, and it's not what I'm after. I'm trying to find people who will preread stuff I am going to write, not have people read and review what I've already done. Thanks for the link though. Off to other sites!
>> No. 117799
>>117796

Alright then, we'll try to read something that you haven't written yet. I'm not sure how that's possible, so let us go into our time machines and travel into the future. Rawr.
>> No. 117803
>>117796
Any other sites are probably going to tell you the same thing I said. And I don't really see any difference what you mean by "prereading" and the training grounds reviews. But you could try asking in the #fic IRC that I linked to above.
>> No. 117807
>>117799
/fic/ has all the cool toys.
>> No. 117939
>>117799

All right, I'm finished, and you're gonna have some work to do.

Your intro suffers from some pretty serious show-don't-tell issues, so your hook falls badly flat. A good hook makes me wonder what's going to happen next and/or gives me a character or situation to care about; yours does neither with any real weight. My advice would be to use sensory details in place of simple "tagging" adjectives like (just examples) "happy" or similar adverbs like "sadly."

You made at least one careless tense derp. I won't point it out, both because of paradoxes and because I want you to scan and find it for yourself.

The main conflict is a cute idea, but I worry that it's not very pony-appropriate. By pushing canon like this, you run the risk of veering too far away from the tone. I think this fic will be most fun if it keeps your "adventure" aspect while still being, ultimately, about happy ponies living in the magical land of Equestria. Death and intrigue and whatnot should be handled with a light touch if you presume to write within canon Equestria.

I also have serious issues with your character voice. Bad fanfics are too eager to play with speech quirks like AJ's and Rarity's, and while that's not necessarily directly related to your problem, you do need to work on striking a compromise.

Detailed comments in-doc.
>> No. 117947
>>117939
6/10
>> No. 117969
>>117939

Whoa, there's another Mister Yo. Hello there!

See? Time machine works perfectly. :3
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