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118335 No. 118335
#Reviewer #Discussion #Presidential
When I look over my not-so-illustrious political career, I am always extremely disappointed in the part that was my second term as President of the United States of America. Even more depressingly, the only thing for which I am remembered is that particular part of my career; the lousy pigs Woodward and Bernstein made sure of that. At times like these, I usually think about just putting it all to an end. After all, I'm ninety-nine-gong-on-one-hundred. What else is there to see or do anyway? Well, yesterday, I had an epiphany: I shouldn't commit suicide, as committing suicide would only allow me to turn my mental pain into physical anguish for an instant. I needed something worse than death, something that would allow me to cry out in agony every night until I was finally granted the sweet release of death---I needed to review fan-fiction again.

For those of you who do not know me (about fifty-percent of you), I was formerly a reviewer here on Ponychan with my own little review thread that was "locked by request." I had a street-rep for being very good at finding grammar errors, and I intend to hold myself to the high standards I have set. I've been working very hard to get my plot-judging abilities on par with my grammar-judging abilities, and I think those of you who are familiar with my work will be presently surprised at the change in quality of this area of my review. Now then, shall we get to the part were I make a bunch of lists that dictate how this thread works?

Things You Should Know About Me:

1) I print your story. It helps me to see your errors more clearly, and, since I cannot access Facebook from a sheet of paper, it keeps me focused on my work. What does this mean for you? It means that any last-minute changes you make will not be seen, and you will only receive comments on a GoogleDoc after I have posted my review on Ponychan. I do keep your stories in a portfolio, so, if you are uncomfortable with someone keeping a print copy of your work, don't ask for a review from me.

2) If you want to discuss a review with me, then the easiest way to do so is via e-mail. My last thread got very cluttered, and I often missed review responses. I will try to respond to you if you post on Ponychan, but there is a very good chance that I will miss your response.

3) I am pedantic when it comes to getting you a review. What this means for you: I will update the queue regularly, post messages simply to say that I saw your story review request, and tell you periodically how far I am into a review if I don't finish in a day. That being said, my review thread may be bumped up to the board several times without your review. Just be patient.

4) I am open to suggestions. Have a problem with one of my reviews? Just tell me, and I'll see what I can do. I like to believe that I'm amiable, so I'm sure we can have a pleasant chat (then again, I also like to believe that I did I good job as president, so, if any of my remarks offend you, tell me to tone it down a little; I'll be happy to oblige).

5) I'm a busy man. Since you all don't pay me to do this, some things take precedence, so please be patient with me.

6) For those of you who already know me, I am scrapping the scoring system, as it was superfluous.

The Simple Five-Step Review Process on Nixon's Board:

1) You post a request for a review. Example (hopefully your grammar will be better):

Read my story plz! Its 'bout Fallout: equestria.

Title: Velamity

Tags: [Grimdark] [Shipping] [Puppies!]

Link to your story

Synopsis: Velvet Remedy and Calamity get funkie!!! lolwhat. Then Arbu residences eat they're flesh! *slurping noises*

2) I acknowledge your review request. Example:

Review request received. Celestia help us all.

3) I give you a review. Example:

My overall thoughts on your story: Surprisingly well done. You delivered an interesting analysis of the post-war pony's psychology and how it affects the romantic relationships of said ponies by juxtaposing the relationship of Velvet Remedy and Calamity to the relationships between the ponies of Arbu.

Grammar errors: I threw up a little---terrible. [insert a detailed analysis of your grammar here]

Plot errors: Very few of these. Well done. [insert a detailed analysis of your plot here]

4) You respond to the review and cite any problems you have with my review.

Thanks mister! I is really liked you're review but can you not tell me to fix the grammar errors that I don't make when I don't make them? Totally spelled "apple" right. Computer spellcheck tell me, so dont be saying Im rong on tht 1.

5) I respond to your response, and we continue debate until you are satisfied with the review.

Da Rulez:

1) No pony porn. It's standard /fic/ rules, and I personally can't stand the stuff. Sorry.

2) I reserve the right to reject your story if I find it unsavory.

3) I reserve the right to reject your story if it is basically unreadable (I will almost never do this!).

4) If you also want to review someone's work on this thread, I don't care so long as you ask me permission first.

5) I don't care if you swear, but try to spoiler tag your f-bombs. The word is just annoying, and it doesn't add anything to your post (expect making me think that your vocabulary is very limited, which is a bad thing for someone to think on a board dedicated to writing).

So, Ponychan. come at me! Give me your tired, your poor, your muddled passages yearning to be read by me, the wretched refuse of your creative mind. Send these, the grammatically-offensive, the holed plots to me, I offer entry to the golden door of brilliant writing! (I totally didn't steal that from the bottom of the Statue of Liberty. Shut up!)

Happy Writing!

Richard Milhous Nixon, (Former) President of the United States of America
42 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 118725
>>118702

That sounds awesome. I've had a pretty long day, so I appreciate the the break. Thanks! =D

>>118563
>>118532
>>118638
>>118656

Soon, my friends. Soon.
>> No. 118768
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118768
>>118660
Hooray! Please note I have requested a review from Golden Vision as well, since his queue just opened after a several-week hiatus. He has a few stories in queue ahead of me, so I expect you will be finished before he can start.

Let me know if you need anything, and thank you so much for your help!
>> No. 118882
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118882
All right, Google Maps tells me it's 434 miles to Chicago, I've got a full gallon of cranberry juice, half a box of Goldfish, it's sunny outside, and I'm reading stories about a little girl's TV show. Let's roll.

For those of you who haven't been following my thread that closely: I'm going to get my queue cleared out this weekend. Expect a review by Sunday at midnight EST.
>> No. 118884
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118884
>>118882
I'm not even in the queue and I'm looking forward to this!
>> No. 118891
Grammar:

You had no real consistent errors. There were problems here and there, but they looked like typos. Just for a quick review:

Sometimes verbs need a little help in the form of a helping verb. Example: Nixon is watching TV. "Is" is a helping verb, or a verb that serves as a bridge between verb "watching" and subject "Nixon." Without it, the sentence does not make sense. Nixon watching TV.

Whenever writing a compound predicate or list, helping verbs and adjectives carry over the compound predicate or list. Example: Taft is fat and ugly. Notice that the "is" was not repeated. Notice the "is" is repeated in your story. Strive to emulate my example (I must know something; I was president, after all).

All writing is equal, but some writing is more equal than others. Writing with colloquialisms is less equal to writing without colloquialisms. I won't tell you to take them out, but I will strongly suggest that you remove them (I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid Communists!). If you got either of those references, you're awesome.

The formula for is for a compound sentence:

Independent clause + comma + conjunction + independent clause=compound sentence.

Please, use it well. Remember: just because you can make a compound sentence doesn't mean you should. A compound predicate will usually suffice.

Plot:

Let's talk about your major plot hole. The changelings are a source of love? What!? Why do they even go after ponies? If Chrysalis is so evil, then why doesn't she just eat the hive? In fact, it's canon that the changelings can absorb love whilst their hosts our still alive. Why isn't the hive simply like Equestria? That way, they can feed off one another.

I just don't think having the changelings be able to love is a very good idea. In fact, I think it is a bad idea, a double-plus ungood idea to be exact. I know you were trying to build the Queen up as a villain, but I honestly think painting her as a starving mother trying to feed her children is much more interesting. Also, seeing a society without love would be cool, kind of like the Vulcans from Star Trek.

I'm also not a fan of how you told your story in the present tense. It creates all kinds of uncomfortable plot holes. Like how did Aria manage to narrate when she couldn't even make out basic shapes? Also, how is the speaker recording all her thoughts? Do you expect me to believe that the protagonist was carrying around a little notebook her entire life, and wrote in it every second she got? Yes, I know large releases like "The Hunger Games" do this, but that doesn't make it okay for you to do it.

Good job, and happy writing.

Richard Nixon/Freddie Mercury 2012!


Nixon
>> No. 118913
My overall thoughts: You've done it again! Another chapter I liked! That being said, there are some issues that will take your story from the "flingin' flangin' fantastic" level down to the "just good" level. Of all the things I enjoy, I like the relationship between Twilight and Spike. Yes, you made Twilight like a mother and sister like in the show, but you've also added a paternal element to Spike that I find awesome. But enough of accentuating the positive! Let's get to the part were I point out all the problems.

Grammar:

Seeing as you've gotten three or four reviews out of me by now, I'm sure you're aware of what a semicolon is and how it works, namely making a compound sentence without a conjunction or comma. However, I'm not sure you know what qualifies as a independent clause. Let's see if I'm correct, shall we? Quick! What's the subject of:

"Trust me."

Is it:

A) None, it is a fragment
B) You, implied
C) Twilight Sparkle
D) Seven because purple is a catfish!

If you answered B, you are correct. If you answered D, well, you should brush up on your English. "Trust me" is a sentence in its own right and therefore qualifies as a independent clause. Because it is an independent clause, it deserves a semicolon or comma and conjunction like any other independent clause. An example from your story:

"'See Me, Hear Me'" should be "'See Me; Hear Me.'"

Quotes only need to be introduced with a comma when somepony is saying something. If you're using the quotes to refer to a title or trying to invoke doubt by use of scare quotes, the commas or any other punctuation is not necessary to introduce the quote.

At one instance, I felt that Spike's conversational dialogue became just a tad too conversational. He says, "Eventually found a book[.]" That's a fragment. The ponies (and bipedal baby dragons) manage to choke out the subjects of their sentences on the show, so your writing should mirror this.


Plot:

Granted I've only seen two chapters of this story (including some portions of "Bloodline" that closely resembles this), I think I've developed a semi-mathematical formula for your chapters:

The first chapter I reviewed on this thread:

Information on Killer + Spike Subplot + Cameos (Big Mac and Rainbow) + Crazy Killer Dude = Chapter

The second chapter:

Information on Killer + Spike Subplot + Cameos (Zecora and Shining Armor) + Bentgrass Collecting Info = Chapter

Notice how similar these chapters look. Coincidence? I think not! I hesitate to call your chapters formulaic, as I've only seen two of them. Even so, shows like "Phineas and Ferb" and "Three's Company" got very popular from being predictable, so I can't really tell you that this is a mistake. I can strongly suggest for you to vary your structure, but if it's not broke, don't fix it.

Zecora didn't rhyme all the time. If you don't want her to rhyme, I can respect that (most fans won't), but you have to completely take the rhyming out. For the record, Zecora rhymes in couplets, which means the end of her lines must rhyme. The opening sentence of this paragraph? That's wrong. The Zecora version would be: "Your Zecora didn't rhyme / The one in the show does all the time."

I felt that the green-dust induced illusion provided by Zecora was too jumpy. One minute, I was in the grass fields, then I saw a zebra being killed by some stallions who wanted to be very clear about how evil they were, and then I was on a battlefield littered with corpses, a line of soldiers charging at me for no reason, as all the ponies surrounding me appeared to be dead. All of a sudden, they're attacked by monsters that probably show up in Pinkie Pie's nightmares. It wasn't confusing so much so much as disorienting. Forgive the immature analogy, but I felt that Zecora's magic dust may have been laced with the smallest amount of LSD.
>> No. 118914
>>118913

Good job, and happy writing!

Richard Nixon/Davy Crockett 2012
>> No. 118915
These people can expect reviews tomorrow:

>>118638
>>118656

This person can expect comments tomorrow:

>>118563

This is a random number; I don't know where it leads (that's not sarcasm; I literally just made it up):

>>117645
>> No. 118928
My overall thoughts: A decent opener. It grabs the reader's attention, even if the twist can be seen coming from a mile away. Luna's character is so far flat, but I don't even know if she'll play a major role in the story, and I haven't really seen much of her yet, so I guess I can let that slide. On a side note, the unicorns of Canterlot are hilariously incompetent.

Grammar (which should technically be called "Mechanics and Style," but I just felt that sounded too prolix):

Actually, your grammar was very good. Good for you! In fact, I've decided to take the opportunity to tell you why some things that were marked as grammar errors weren't really errors (because it's never to early to get fellow reviewers angry at you!):

Never put spaces around your em-dashes, ever! You can however, do that with en-dashes, but never, ever, ever do it with em-dashes (No, it's not that big a deal, I just like being dramatic).

"As quietly as possible, he hauled himself[.]" This is not contradictory. Hauled means pull or drag with force. There is absolutely no reason why this can't be done quietly! The connotations behind the word don't even imply noise (Even if I'm wrong about this, just claim that you're using an oxymoron and trying to emulate Shakespeare; the audience will love it).

Nothing is wrong with the word "padded." In fact, it's probably a more accurate term for horses than it is for people, given the hooves.

The phrasing of the guard is not awkward. He is obviously using a formal tone because he is talking to his boss. Have you ever told your boss that he was a littla chicka that gawt no swag and is too legit to quit? I didn't think so (Once again, I exaggerate for dramatic effect; I'm such a thespian).

More wrong is correct. If you ever use wronger, I don't know you. I can see why Mister Spark thought it was wrong---you're either right or wrong. Unfortunately, this is boolean thinking, which doesn't apply to real life that often unless you're programming a computer. Some events, people, ponies, bipedal baby dragons, monsters (minotaurs!), and griffins can be more wrong than others.

Flashed is a fine word. It's used in larger releases, and I think it fits in just fine.

Choppy sentences are fine at a scene of great devastation. The focus jumps about because the mind of the protagonist is also jumping about. It just makes good sense.

Everything else Mister Spark said looks exactly like my notes, so do those things. I see no reason to repeat things you've already heard.

Plot:

The unicorns of the Royal Guard suck. Seriously, what do they do during PT (or MT, in this case)? They honestly couldn't use their magic to soak the library? They had to use buckets? Why didn't they know drying spells for the books?

Luna's character: flatter than a shadow, which is very hard to do, considering it's one of the few true two-dimensional objects in the universe. Sure, she feels bad that the fire happened on her watch, but that's all we ready get out of her. Then she just stands there for Shining Armor to bounce exposition off of her. I'm very early in the story, so I can't call this an error yet, but if she ends up playing a major role in this story, you're going to need to puff her up a bit as a character.

The twist is very predicable. Sorry.

Good job, and happy writing!

Richard Nixon/Dan Aykroyd 2012!

Ever get that feeling that you're talking to yourself? Sometimes I do.
>> No. 118935
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118935
Hmm. Hello Tricky Dick, good to see you're back. How's your queue going? I ask, and here's why: I've been keepin' an eye on you for sometime, and I've seen nothin but progress in the content and quality of your reviews. Your insight into character dynamics and thematic convolutions has only evolved, and damned if it wasn't bad to begin with.

As such, I'm contemplative as to how you'd feel about having the 60k+ word child of my soul, blood of my blood story tossed at you.

I await your pleasure, you economically delusion socially bankrupt person you. Cheers :)
>> No. 118972
>>118913
Thank,s sir!

Now, you say the illusion scene is jumpy. That was my intent. I wanted a flash of scenes that show how bad Zebrica was back in the day, plus tell the tale of the Mbwun.

As for Zecora not rhyming, I'm gonna need those comments you've promised. I've been over it, and the only one I could find that was iffy was the "herd/hurt" rhyme. I know it ain't exact, but I figured it was close enough.

One thing that troubles me is you saw the Mac/Dash scene and Zecora's scenes as cameos? Um, those are semi-important plot points. Mac and Dash's relationship will become very important by the end, and Zecora is equally needed. Did those scenes come away as unneeded? If so, then I have a problem...

The formula you speak of, I see it indeed, but only in the past two chapters. I do vary it up as far as structure, at least I hope I do. If you have the time between writing reviews and kicking some Veitcong ass, I'd like it if you could read the whole story. Just to check that I'm not being repetitive.

I fixed the other issues you posted. I can't thank you enough.
>> No. 118979
>>118656

My overall thoughts: Whaddya know? Something good really did come out of my accursed failure of a contest. This was chapter one, so I expected to see a lot of character development, and, boy, did I get what I expected! Rarity's character was spot on, and her father was more than just a cheap, last-minute explanation as to why Rarity was generous; he had character too. The conflict I saw forming---Rarity struggling to be generous when others help her because she feels that she is inconveniencing them---was actually very interesting. Oh, and most importantly, Rarity's dialogue wasn't so annoying that I wanted to rip off my leg just so I had something to throw at the screen. If I still did the point system, you would probably get bonus points for that!

Grammar:

I've been blessed with stories with good grammar all this weekend! Just three things:

Appositives, little snippets of information that are accessory information to the sentence, are set off by commas, as I am sure you know. However, adverbs, which modify adjectives, verbs, and other adverbs, are not set off by commas. When I post the comments, you'll see where you made this error. I have to admit: This mistake is unique; I have never seen this error before. I would say it's a typo, but the sentence just doesn't feel like it was the result of a typo, if that makes sense.

Okay can be spelled OK, ok, or okay. I don't care which one you use, but you need to be consistent.

Make sure that when you're creating a compound sentence with a semicolon that the two clauses you are connecting are indeed independent. You'll see examples in the comments.

Plot:

In the interest of being a jerk, I would like to point out that the contest does not solve the dilemma that Rarity presented. Because the loser still gets nice fabrics, Rarity has still made Applejack give her nicer fabrics out of guilt. Sure, Rarity thinks the tablecloth is ugly fabric, but Applejack still values the tablecloth so much that she eats dinner from it every night, which means she is still making a sacrifice in the name of Rarity's charity. I know you said something about making the contest "all or nothing," but you never made it official that they were doing this. I guess you could sum up my argument this way: fabric value is the eye of the beholder.

Let's talk references. I've been personally turned down from Equestria Daily for including too many blatant references. Example:

"[W]orst. Possible. Thing."

Yeah, not so subtle. You do know how to make subtle references, however. Take this other example from your story:

"One simply did not see such hoof-crafting in any store save the most exclusive boutiques specializing in haute couture."

While the meme-dropping may not be so subtle (one does not simply drop memes into fan-fiction!), the reference to haute couture is a very sly reference to the show. Fluttershy implies in "Art of the Dress" that haute couture is some fancy sewing, and saying that the style appears in top-end stores further reinforces this claim from the show. This is a well done reference; the one above it is not. It simply repeats something that was said on the show---a monkey could do that.

Back when my critical reading skills were not as sharp, Rarity's hatred of apple-flavored tea but want of apple cider would have totally thrown me. If I may be so bold, I conjecture that Rarity's hatred of apple tea but love of apple cider may be symbolism/foreshadowing for Rarity's upcoming showdown with Applejack (i.e. the hatred of the tea) but love of Applejack as a friend (i.e. the love of the cider). If this was your intention, pat yourself on the back for being the best fan-fiction writer I've ever reviewed, but if it was not, this little detail will throw off picky readers.

Fun fact: this is the first review I've written which has a longer plot section than a grammar section.

Excellent job, and please keep writing!

Richard Nixon/Rainbow Dash 2012!

P.S.: I'm not sure, because I only got one entry, but I think your story would have fared well in the contest. The picture accompanying the review request was the image that inspired you, am I correct?
>> No. 118980
>>118928

Well, thank you very much for your review, sir.

It's good to know I'm doing the right thing grammatically. That's one less thing to worry about. And as far as the plot points you raise are concerned, if I may spell out my thoughts...

First, with regards to the guards and their incompetence: that's canon, honestly. And as I'm not out to re-write canon, I have no choice but to leave it be. You will accept this, and you will like it!

In all seriousness, though, I see what you're saying about the lack of magic usage during that passage. Here's my thinking on this, though: if I start the fic by having unicorns solve every problem quickly and simply with a little glow from their horns, it sets the wrong precedent. It would then become far too easy for any subsequent sequence I write to be solved with magic, and when it isn't, the reader will cry "plot hole!" By placing limits on what unicorn magic can do, I hope to make the coming struggles more interesting. And since we've never seen evidence that unicorns can conjure water from nothing or blast drying winds at things, I think canon grants me a little leeway with this.

As far as Luna's characterization is concerned, I believe you to be very right. I'll try restructuring that scene to give her some more involvement. Perhaps having her act as investigative partner to Shining Armor instead of just the recipient of his report will be sufficient?

And finally, on the twist at the end... well, I wasn't out to make it too obvious, but I wasn't trying terribly hard to hide it, either. Now, if you'll permit me to pick your brain, I have a few questions about it. First, at what point, exactly, did you first see the twist coming? Right from the synopsis? The end of the first segment? I'd like to know so I can gauge how much more carefully I'll have to bury my hints in the future. Second, did you still find the sequence engaging despite knowing where it was going? Did you still have a desire to read on even after you got to the end? That's what really matters, here--whether or not I kept your attention despite the predictability.

In closing, thank you again for the review. I'll get to fixing up the Prologue, and in the meantime I look forward to your review of Chapter One. It is coming, right?
>> No. 118981
>>118935

Omigosh! The Seattle_Lite in my thread! I'd be happy to look at your story. Because it is long, I'll probably add you to the queue a chapter at a time. What does this mean for you? All you have to do is give me the link. Then, I will move chapter one to the bottom of the queue. After I review chapter one, chapter two will be moved to the bottom of the queue. After chapter two is done, three moves to the top, and so on and so forth. Is that okay with you? I just don't want my queue swamped with a huge story. If business is slow, you'll get reviews fast; if business is fast, you'll get reviews at a slower rate. I'm really excited to see what you give me! =D

>>118972

At the end of the day, I can't go against artistic judgement (after all, I'm not the author). I'm still not a fan of the jumpy nature of the Zecora section, but I can respect why you wrote that way.

Ah! So the reviewer becomes the reviewee! "Cameo" wasn't the best term for me to use; I did get a feeling that these characters were a little more important, but, at the moment, I couldn't think of a better word.

I'll start on your entire story and comments A.S.A.P. I'm not going to make excuses (the coward's way out!), but I will say my computer is not in the best condition (i.e. I'm borrowing a different computer, as mine is broken), so I will be a little later than expected. I'm terribly sorry.
>> No. 118984
>>118980

I see your response, and I do have things to say, but I am borrowing a computer right now (mine is broken), and, as I type, the owner is demanding her computer back. You will get a chapter one review, and very soon at that. Right now, however, I owe some people on the queue comments. I'd expect a review no later than Tuesday. Not that you care, but I should have my own computer again on Thursday.
>> No. 118986
>>118981
If you could get to it ASAP, I'd be very grateful. Monday morning is my usual publish time, but I'll hold off because I'd like your line-by-line.

NOT trying to rush you, though, Take what time you need. :)
>> No. 118989
>>118981
Sent stuff in an email about acknowledging review, did you get it?
>> No. 118990
>>118984

*salutes*

Your courage and dedication to your duties even in the face of such adversity is an inspiration to us all, Mr. President. I wish you the best of luck in acquiring a replacement computer.
>> No. 118992
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118992
>>118979
Wow. Such a thoughtful and coherent review of my first work! Thank you very much.

To the details!
Grammar:
Appositives. Check. Adverbs: not appositives. Check. I will look for that one.
OK, ok, okay. I hear you.
Silly compound sentences! I can't believe I missed that one.

Plot:
Be a jerk, I say. It makes me think. And you have a point, which does need tending. I am trying to show Rarity, ever so slowly, losing her cool until a bad decision is made. If this is not clear, then I need to add a little extra sweat to her brow or somesuch break in her facade. Would that be enough, do you think, or should I reconsider the approach as a (perhaps) cleaner way to get to my destination?

References. Yes. Can you tell that was my first full paragraph? I started on easy mode and then cranked it up from there. We'll be pulling that line for a makeover.

Apple tea vs. apple cider. Mmm. Yes. Something between deliberate and accidental. It was deliberate. Entirely so. But the first scene is chronologically *after* the showdown with Applejack, so it is not foreshadowing for Rarity, only the reader.

Is it clear that the first section follows every other section in the first chapter, chronologically? If that does not stand out in the initial reading then I may need to adjust a few things. Let me down easy, please.

That pic was the one I had found that piqued my interest. What on earth was Rarity doing in a sack? It made me chuckle, and then I started daydreaming, and then it was all over but for the typing (and shouting and swearing, and blown deadlines, and 4000 extra words, etcetera)

Such an excellent review! I needed a critical eye, and I got exactly what I needed. You have helped me immeasurably, and you have my vote. Excellent choice on your running mate, FWIW.
>> No. 119002
Hello sir, I have a fic that I'd like you to read. I hope you don't mind, but I've separated out the chapters into separate documents and have provided the links.

Title: Harmony's Rule

Tags: [Normal], [Adventure], [Slice of Life]

Prologue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19FTbTkMp4NYHI0RO6uqQo3ytSFdsMa8I2QmoimBPyJE/edit
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/15hCm7ckm6U8A7vvBMSOovi3ciTWehqeO8fS8adh9L3Y/edit

Synopsis: Centuries after she was elevated to the status of princess, Harmony is faced with events that she is still unprepared for. She begins to weave the story of her life to her students, hoping to bestow a final lesson and understanding upon the young ponies should her fears become real.
>> No. 119020
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119020
>>118981
Beautiful! Your conditions are most amenable, and thank you for your time! You'll find the opening chapters rather short comparatively; the tale doesn't pick up to its full 'holy shit wtf is going on' momentum till around Chapter 3-4.
I very much hope you enjoy the story, and can't wait to hear your thoughts!

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/231/Divergence
>tfw my story number is 231, and the fic that just hit the post queue is 50,481
>> No. 119041
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119041
>>119020
>tfw my story number is 231, and the fic that just hit the post queue is 50,481
You mean this feel here, amirite?
>> No. 119042
File 134730881125.jpg - (28.21KB , 499x453 , 133992969787.jpg )
119042
>>119041
Hah hah, pretty much.
>> No. 119046
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119046
<--- When I saw this photo, I thought of you.

>>118980

Afraid that the unicorn magic will serve as an easy way out of situations? There's actually a term to describe the effect you fear: deus ex machina, which literally translates to "god of the machine," the machine being the plot and the god being the magic that can oh so easily manipulate said plot. It is a good thing that you fear this, as the fear of gods of machines is the beginning of wisdom. However, you can make the unicorns a bit more powerful without making them "gods." It is perfectly conceivable that they levitated water from a nearby fountain into the library, and I can hardly image the antagonist being killed of by something as simple as a drying spell.

As soon as I saw, "dragon fire," I thought, Wouldn't it be really nifty if it was Twilight and Spike? Then as soon as you said something about a magical roster of visitors to the library, I knew. I didn't lose interest, and I don't think your audience will either. Think of the source material. You probably guessed the end of "Party of One" and "A Bird in the Hoof," correct?

Talk to you again soon!

Richard Nixon/Dr. Zoidberg 2012!
>> No. 119047
>>119002

The chapter splitting is not a problem at all! Expect a review as soon as I help >>118370 with his characters and give some other people comments, review someone's chapter one, and comment on a plot outline (They know who they are!).

>>119020

Review coming soon. It's going to be flingin' flangin' fantastic
>> No. 119077
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119077
>>119046

Ha! That paltry piece of pod-protection is nowhere near as pugnacious as me!

I still eagerly and patiently await your review.
>> No. 119078
>>119047
Awesome! ^^ I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
>> No. 119200
>>118638

Not to be rude or anything, but with regards to the >>118928 review, could you please stick to reviewing the story and not my commentary? You're the second person now to review my review, and this time without my asking. Most of the points you bring up are simply restating the points made >>118646 here.

All I'm saying is that this review is for BelligerentSock, not me. I never asked for this critique, and now I'm asking if you could please cease it (if a bit late, as I've gotten another email or two from Google Docs just while typing this out).

Thank you, and have a pleasant day, Mr. Once-a-President.
>> No. 119207
>>119200

Uh-oh. You're not going to like chapter one of Mister Sock's review. You reminded me a lot of myself when I started reviewing, and it pains me to see people make the same mistakes that I did (trust me; I've made my fair share of mistakes---three usernames worth).

May I give you a bit of parting advice? Being vindictive gets you absolutely nowhere, and all it really does is make the reader mad at you. In general, you need to smile more, or at least write in a tone that makes me think you're in a good mood. That post you just typed? It sounded almost rude. That probably wasn't your intention, but I just got that vibe.

Have a pleasant day Mister Spark,

Richard Nixon/Paul McCartney 2012!
>> No. 119219
>>119207
>May I give you a bit of parting advice? Being vindictive gets you absolutely nowhere, and all it really does is make the reader mad at you.
Simon Colwell, Chef Ramsey and Donald Trump would like to have a word with you.
It's not being vindictive that's the problem, it's being vindictive without the necessary amount of flair and vitriolic humour while not providing any meaningful help.
>> No. 119233
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119233
>>118979
Not to put pressure on your already busy schedule, Mr. President, but I have not seen any comments posted on my google doc, and so I am struggling to find the adverbial clause that was treated like an appositive. Can you point me in the right direction here?
>> No. 119234
To the President:

I just had a glance over your in-doc review, and I understand your tardiness, considering how late you were up commenting last night. That said, however, you promised a review "No later than Tuesday." It is now Wednesday, meaning you have failed to uphold that decree.

I must therefore charge you with the high crime of lying while in office, and under Article II, Section Four of the Constitution, call for your immediate impeachment. I'm sure this is one matter the House of Representatives will be very decisive on.

Seriously, though, take your time. Oh, and let me save you some typing: I understand about LUS, it's just a few bits of it bypass the filters sometimes, y'know? I should have warned you about the indents, as well--that's just a formatting error in transferring from Word to Gdocs. It's my own dumb fault for not catching more of them in my initial sweep.
>> No. 119240
>>119234

>under Article II, Section Four of the Constitution

I gotta give you props for not just making that up.
>> No. 119244
File 134747249913.jpg - (42.93KB , 500x357 , 1344616309036.jpg )
119244
>>119240

Of course! I am an AMERICAN, after all.
>> No. 119260
>>119234

I owe you two apologies: for being late and for the run-in with the other reviewer. As to the former, I offer no excuse, but as to the latter, I hope you realize that most of those replies were for you as well. Nothing hurts a story more than bad advice. Anyhoo, your review:

My overall thoughts: Your story is beginning to give off an intense anime vibe. If that was intentional, good job pointing your tone, pacing, and characterization that way! I think the most anime-like thing in your story is the antagonist. He's visually unique, vomits some garbage about fate that makes him look intellectually superior to the protagonist, and his first interaction with protagonists involved the protagonists totally getting owned by his unique powers. Add shiny glasses that conceal his eyes and... oh, wait! The hood. I'm not familiar with any modern anime, so would you mind telling me if you based this off a particular series? Grammar and plot, shall we? We shall:

Grammar:

So, semicolons. If you've read any of my reviews, I'm sure you're familiar with how to use a semicolon (I only bring it up every other review!). Once or twice, as you've seen in the comments, you didn't use the semicolon correctly to form a compound sentence. Also, some sentences just sound better with a semicolon. Example: "Like charges repel. Opposites attract." Since it's just assumed that when I opposites I meant charges, a semicolon provides maximum clarity, as it accents that I meant "opposite charges."

Remember that the two clauses of a semicolon compound sentence still need to be independent. The only thing you're removing is the comma and conjunction. I think I've already given you the formula, but just in case:

Independent clause + semicolon + independent clause = compound sentence.

Whenever you build a sentence, there are at least two parts: a subject and a verb. The matter gets a bit more messy when you add what are called direct and indirect objects. Direct objects are the "butt end" of the verb, so to speak; they receive the action from the verb. For example:

Oswald shot Kennedy.

Can you see that "Kennedy" is the direct object? Kennedy received the shot from subject Oswald. An indirect object takes it back one more level. The indirect object is reacting with the direct object. Example:

Nixon gave Oswald the gun.

Can you see that "Oswald" is the indirect object in this case? The direct object, the gun, which is being given by Nixon, is reacting with indirect object Oswald, who is receiving the gun.

Now why did I tell you this? Well, whenever you introduce adjectives and pronouns into the whole affair, it can get confusing as to what or whom is being described. In the comments, I pointed out where what the adjective was describing was ambiguous. You'll notice that you didn't make this error much, but this error is so common in English texts that I feel compelled to make a big stink about it so that you never do it again. When in doubt, nix the pronouns, as it is never wrong when you use a specific subject.

I appreciate the occasional use of a fragment for dramatic effect, but some of the fragments were just too out of place for me, especially that one with the em-dash.

Just because of how English pronunciation works, co-operate should be written with that hyphen or an umlaut over the second "o." Recently, people have begun to type cooperate, and that's become acceptable because it's used so often, but if you're really cool, you'll do it the old-fashioned way.

Plot:

I hate to repeat myself, but there was little development on Luna again. We learned in the prologue that she feels responsible to the ponies and feels guilty when she fails them, and in this chapter we learned that she feels the night is unappreciated by the ponies. Not don't get me wrong, this is much more development from the prologue, but I'd still like a little more. It would take her from good to awesome.

I can see that you're against using ponified speech. There are some ways to get around it (i.e. I'm being politically correct, as I'm including griffins and dragons too), but there are some cases where you'll have to use words like "everypony." I hate to play this card, but you are breaking canon if you don't use somepony where applicable. The reason for ponified speech is world building; it helps give the reader a sense of place. World building isn't as crucial in fan-fiction, as the writers of the show have done most of the work for you, but taking away the ponified speech is like hiding a part of the world from the reader.

I trust that you're going to use the "Cadence is famous" subplot to deepen her character a bit. Am I correct in that assumption? (Wow! I sound pretentious on the Internet!)

I also found it odd that Celestia penned a letter for Twilight. However, it's not that big a deal, and only the cynical will have a problem with it.

Good job, and keep writing!

Richard Nixon/Madame LeFlour 2012!
>> No. 119267
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119267
>>118979
>>119233

Fantastic catch! I was simply not seeing the error there. Thank you most kindly, and I promise to be as patient as you require for the remainder.

> me gettin' my learn on
>> No. 119269
>>119260

Aha! Very tricky, Dick, leaving me in suspense this whole time and then posting just as I'm away at dinner! Anyway, to respond to this most graciously-given review:

>My overall thoughts: Your story is beginning to give off an intense anime vibe.

That wasn't necessarily my intention, and indeed, I'm not too familiar with anime these days. I suppose upon reflection, this fic of mine may be borrowing some elements from the shonen genre, but to my knowledge, I have not based it on an existing IP (aside from the obvious, of course). All I've done is take some of my favorite villain tropes and used them to build an antagonist who, I hope, is an interesting character in his own right.

Which leads me to this question: did I succeed? I can't quite tell from your opening paragraph whether you consider the "anime-ness" of the antagonist to be a positive or negative thing. Going further, I notice both you and Azure Spark left almost no comments on the entire ACTION! sequence, so I'm wondering if I did good by that part or not. I'm always looking to improve, and a lack of feedback either tells me it's good or it tells me nothing. Either way, I need clarification.

>Grammar

Good points, all well-made and well-explained. It's always nice to have a refresher course on this sort of thing. Rest assured, I'll be coming back to you for grammatical reviews.

>there was little development on Luna again

Yes, I have had a bit of trouble nailing down her characterization thus far. Perhaps it's because we've seen her for all of a handful of moments, or because I haven't absorbed enough fanon, but nonetheless, it's something I have to work on.

>I can see that you're against using ponified speech.

Honestly, I'm not. I just lack experience writing in this particular 'verse, and thus it'll take a bit for these little quirks to become second-nature.

>I trust that you're going to use the "Cadence is famous" subplot to deepen her character a bit.

Perhaps a little, but with where the story is headed, we're not going to see a whole lot of Twilight's foal-sitter once the adventure really gets underway. I have left spots in the plot outline to potentially check up on how the other characters are doing, but the focus is almost invariably going to be on the Mane Six (and Spike).

>I also found it odd that Celestia penned a letter for Twilight

Roger. Fortunately, I have a solution which will take nary a sentence or two to implement.

And on a final note, permit me to explain the opening "poems," since you asked about them. They're not poems, really. They're just a little rip-off homage to one of my favorite authors, one that also serves the purposes of distinguishing each chapter, giving the reader a glimpse of what's to come (which actually ties in with the overall plot), and building suspense during the same.

Again, thank you very much for the review, Mr. President. I look forward to our future discussions. Now, I'm off to Capitol Hill to see about withdrawing that motion of impeachment.
>> No. 119280
>Just because of how English pronunciation works, co-operate should be written with that hyphen or an umlaut over the second "o." Recently, people have begun to type cooperate, and that's become acceptable because it's used so often, but if you're really cool, you'll do it the old-fashioned way.
We still use a hyphen in the rest of the world.

>Americans
>> No. 119288
>>118335
Mr. President, sir. I know you've already begun your reading of my fic, but if you're interested, I just uploaded chapter 2.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UnpG9jKwmmVerOhgSA-ewmA-t0X-FbpNL5D4SJwpcdI/edit
>> No. 119667
Thanks in advance for your help. I submitted this to EqD a while back and the pre-reader rejected it saying that, although he liked the premise, the narration was "really dry and not engaging at all". He also suggested that I needed more world-building. I edited the fic to account for his feedback, and am seeking a second opinion before submitting again.

Title: Journey to Equestria
Author: Aldrigold
Tags: Dark, Adventure
Word Count: 9908
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/120rfXQM5eLeYIrfYd7-dUGBdMy4rHjpLVFdyrmhbPnE/edit
Synopsis: Three hundred years before the banishment of Nightmare Moon, the world was a very different place-and some ponies lived very different lives. A pegasus who serves the gryphons of Eaglesburg is fed up with the way he and his fellow ponies are treated. But escape from the cruel gryphon overlords seems impossible, and he has little hope.

Then his grandfather tells him of a legend-a young country ruled by kind pony princesses, where pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies can live peacefully. The pegasus and his earth pony friend, along with a small unicorn filly who is in immediate danger from her gryphon masters, make a daring escape. They head north toward their only hope for freedom-the land of Equestria.
>> No. 119867
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119867
Is it possible for us to talk in the Doc again. I'm not sure how to get Pinkie more... well Pinkie.
>> No. 120149
File 134826208998.png - (153.38KB , 500x338 , tumblr_m13fasVtpK1qgaob4.png )
120149
Soul Survivor

Human, Adventure, Crossover

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QHyxEHjOQ0WLbhMNtXcbDNv-IDkBsIgpqxKILmptil0/edit

A good 16 years before the return of Nightmare Moon, another fantastic event occurred in Canterlot. All it took was one human who discovered the secrets of ponies, a zealous guard that would do everything for his country and a Princess who only wanted the wellbeing of her people.

A general list of my problems (that several edits later still infest my woodwork like... some kind of wood eating ant): "spelling (typos, missing words, poor wording), punctuation (semicolon abuse), lack of exposition (Lars' background, humans in general), lack of depth in characters (Lars' lack of faults or traits that make him stand out beyond just being a human), and show versus tell (character actions, place and time, lack of description/detail)"

Hope to hear from you soon, Ronald Reagan
>> No. 120587
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120587
Are you still reviewing, Nixon?
>> No. 120589
Just a random guess: he has a lot of schoolwork.
>> No. 120590
Worse case? Email him.
>> No. 120617
>>120587
I'm pretty sure he is, but he seemed to have three or four things to do before he got to reviewing my fanfic... though he did print it out a week 1/2 ago.

Just give him time.
>> No. 120638
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120638
>>120589
>>120590
>>120617
It's okay, I thought of somepony who can help me with Pinkie's dialog.
>> No. 120722
>>120638
Gah, I just need someone to look over a plot outline
>> No. 121145
>>120722
I might have my weak points when it comes to the technical side of writing, but I'd be happy to take a look at your outline.

Also, now I'm getting a little worried about President Nixon, he's been quiet for a couple of weeks now. :c
>> No. 122487
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122487
<Return to this world, Nixon; your people need you.>
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