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No. 119187
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While this has been quite the day indeed, I made heeding your advice on this particular matter one of my top priorities. Changes are being conducted as I post this reply.
With that out of the way, I would like to thank you Mr. Shockwave (I may call you Mr. Shockwave, right? heh… do execute me quick and painlessly if not) for the invaluable input you’ve provided thus far. As per rules of review, I will go over every point made, acknowledging corrections, and attempting to refute, and likely failing whatever I find to be… unsavory.
Let’s begin.
>fog covered
Fog-covered. The hyphen is used to join two or more words serving as an adjective before a noun.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete
>hillside cove
Despite how it is sometimes used, "hillside" is a noun—specifically, it is the side of a hill—rather than an adjective. However, the incorrect usage is common enough that your readers are unlikely to notice the error. If you prefer to be correct you should say cove beside a hill, though as that is unwieldy I recommend simply not mentioning the hill here.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete
>But this wasn't always the case.
As a rule, do not begin narrative sentences with "but". You may do so freely in dialogue, though.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete
>the earth's bowels
In the document this sentence ends here, with no punctuation.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete
Now for the fiction itself:
>The shrill alarm ran out in the dark.
Rang.
Suggestion Acknowledge and Complete
>Instinctively,/Slowly,/Instantly,
Beginning a sentence with an adjective or adverb is acceptable in moderation, but here you overuse the technique. Additionally, the comma used after each slows the sentence. This complements slowly but conflicts with the other two.
Suggestions Acknowledged and Complete
>and gave way to blissful silence/giving my ears a much needed respite.
These are redundant. Drop one.
While I agree with this outcome, I also wanted to show how the doctor has a tendency to be… well, purple-prose in narration. This is intentional, as his matter of speaking goes from detailed, to barely comprehensible as the story progresses. I shall address this in more detail later.
However, I still acknowledged your suggestion, and thus has been completed
>I got a good look at the time: 5:00 am; crack of dawn—time to get up.
While not technically flawed, this sentence brings almost nothing to the fiction. The reader knows the time because of the scene header, and it is presumed that the narrator knows what time his own alarm is set to go off. That it is time for him to get up is likewise implied, by the alarm's existence. Only the fact that the sun rises at 0500 is new, and that could be conveyed with through my window, I could see the sun just beginning to rise or a similar phrase.
Again, wanted to convey a sense that this narrator in particular reveled in details. Has to do with the inevitable degeneration of this persona. Matter, of fact, the entire story is meant to show this feeling.
Again, your suggestion has been acknowledged, but only 50% of it has been heeded in order to maintain the feel of over-done description (which again, degenerates as part of the story’s narration)
>my old tired bones
My old, tired bones.
Suggestion Acknowledged and Complete
>which thankfully, was
Which—thankfully—was.
Hmm… this one I can dispute. Em-dashes provide a partial segway to another section of dialogue—kind of like a toll road leading to a different path—and then either going its own way, or returning to the original thought.
In this particular section, I felt I didn’t quite need to create a deviation, hence why I used commas as a soft pause rather than the longer pause em-dashes provide. However, I do see the use of em-dashes here.
For that reason, I’ll go with your suggestion. However, I still feel the comma worked just as fine
>It was just as she had left it ten years ago, not a single speck of dust displaced.
Slightly awkward phrasing. If no dust has been displaced, it should have ten years' worth of dust on it. If it is just as she had left it, it should presumably have no dust. I recommend the following:
Aside from the thick coat of dust, it was just as she had left it ten years ago.
Alternatively, if you prefer him to be sentimental:
It was just as she had left it ten years ago; I had even kept it free of dust.
Sentimental Suggestion Acknowledged and Complete
>I’m instantly reminded of her/I still find it hard to believe/how I miss her…
You have suddenly shifted to present tense. Be wary of this, as it happens repeatedly in these early scenes. I will not point out every instance; it falls to you to hunt them down as though they were Autobots.
Present tense is mostly present to show the doctor’s seeming lack of coherence, both due to age and his somewhat unstable persona (which only gets more so). However, I do see your point, and I shall remedy all instances of tense shift EXCEPT the last one, as I find it both necessary to show how the feelings remain to the present without having to give a long-winded description, and I personally find it aids the mood to be more melancholic.
So, I shall leave one Autobot alive, so he can scurry back to his base and spread the word of my wrath. Fear after all, the greatest weapon
>once white coat
Hyphen.
Suggestions Acknowledged
>what looked (and smelled) like ichor from a rather unsettling night’s rest
Firstly: replace the parentheses with em dashes.
Suggestions Acknowledge
Secondly: none of the definitions for ichor stored in my databanks quite fit your sentence. I recommend choosing a different word.
I do see your point. For that reason, I’ve changed the sentence to “from some festering wound.” That should correct the issue and still provide an adequate simile
>I looked on the stallion in the mirror, and he stared right back at me, just as he did every morning, and had done so for as long as I could recall. The stallion was no stranger. On the contrary, he was family, a part of who I was, even if the facade changed constantly. The stallion in the mirror was me, and I was him.
This prose is as purple as my plating. Reword or remove it.
Once again, I will state that the purple prose is half intentional, as it shows (via written word) how the character goes from detailed and (somewhat) sane, to a rambling incoherent individual whose words no longer hold meaning.
However, I do see your point in trimming down the statement so it flows smoother. In that regard, about 30% of your suggestions has been heeded again, I ready myself for what might be a long and agonizing death at your hands
>her words would have served solely as for support and wouldn’t have carried much meaning outside of that.
Awkward. Try her words would have been supportive, but inaccurate.
Suggestion Acknowledged and Complete
>if I’m being Honest
Is the capitalization an error, or a reference to the Elements of Harmony?
Not quite a reference; just a slip of my finger. Correction has been carried out
>located in the eastern Equestrian Coast
On the coast.
This on, I’m not entirely sure about. I still wish to convey the location without naming it, but I also like your idea.
I shall see about making a compromise here
>a cave-in that sealed off the mines
From the context of the article and the narrator's later thoughts, these are implied to be salt mines. The fog mentioned in the prologue is the reason a coastal settlement would mine for salt, rather than producing it by evaporating seawater, correct?
Indeed, you are correct. Salty Shores lies in an era that is constantly in a state of overcast. Fog is heavy, and the soils hold much of the saltine mineral from eons long past. For this reason, the town mines for its salt—as well as keep various other underground facilities for other purposes
>by the times news reached
Time, singular.
This correction has been carried out
>the Eastern Ocean.
You have creatively named every other landmark; you can do the same for this ocean.
Very well. Hence forth, the name of the ocean shall be “the Carcosan Ocean/sea (from ‘the king in yellow’ fame)
>So far, there are no confirmed survivors, and as time ticks down, what few survivors that may yet hold on to dear life deep within the bowels of the now sealed-off refineries and mines face little hope of immediate rescue.
Purple prose again, although it can be forgiven as the style of the journalist.
Right you are on this one Mr. Shockwave. However, I do see your point. I shall compromise and reword this so it’s more direct.
This is one of the instances where I wish to be direct in the narration, rather than show a progression of degeneration
>miss Twilight
That should read miss Sparkle if the rules for pony names are similar to those for human names.
Acknowledged and Changed
>I asked the institute’s director—a pudgy and somewhat worn-looking unicorn ten years my elder. He had a patch of missing brown mane over the crown of his head, his skin that stretched out due to his heftiness—which was itself a sign of his clear gluttony and the money to support such a vice—and a very broad shark smile that said ‘I’m in it for the money, not the science.’
This is an information dump, and it is a recurring problem in your character descriptions. I did not mention the information dump in the mirror scene both because the narrator is the main character and because he was in fact staring into a mirror, contemplating his appearance.
Here, he is having a conversation; that should take precedence in his attention.
For the sake of pacing and to illustrate the narrator's changed priorities, I suggest spreading the description throughout the conversation. Mention the director's weight when he laughs, causing his bloated form to jiggle. Mention his broad smile when he actually smiles.
This conversation—like the director himself—also suffers from "Telling". While some details can only be conveyed to the reader by stating them bluntly in the narrative, most can be implied through a character's actions and how those actions are executed. Compare:
Megatron glared at Starscream, feeling nothing but contempt for the treacherous Seeker.
Megatron glared at Starscream with narrowed eyes, the corners of his mouth curling slightly downwards.
While the second is less direct and thus open to misinterpretation on its own, once placed into the context of a larger narrative it would convey Megatron's contempt and produce a stronger visual in the reader's mind at the same time.
Your suggestion is quite welcome, as I too feared this particular section strayed—much like a rather misplaced blast to Optimus’ back—into unwanted territory. While I do find it rather infuriating that I am still doing this, I am at least glad another was able to point it out before it became too big an issue to correct. I guess I was a bit too focused on just getting the whole scene across to give the notion of pacing a more thorough thought.
In that regard, you suggestion has been applied and is now complete
>Equestria’s two most powerful neighbors and, aside from Zeborite—which could be considered a sister nation—rivals.
Awkward. I suggest Equestria's two most powerful neighbors and—at least in the case of Gryphos—rivals.
Your Suggestion has been Applied
>Paries Transmuto
As a rule, non-English text in English prose should be italicized.
Huh… I believed this instance to be italicized, much as the previous terms had been. Guess I missed that particular instance.
Your Suggestions has been Applied
>why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, and don’t be shy now, I’ll know if your fudging anything.”
I say something similar to Autobot captives when I am about to interrogate them, but I do not do so to comfort them. Perhaps this is a cultural difference.
Additionally, it should be I'll know if you're fudging anything.
Heh, you could say that. Here’s hoping I never find myself in your bad side.
Regardless, you suggestion has been applied
>Ferrum Blazehooves
Unless naming conventions are one of the "alternate" aspects of your alternate universe, this is a terrible pony name. Refer to >>83432 for suggestions.
Well, ‘Ferrum Blazehooves’ does follow some pony naming conventions—far as I know. [i]Ferrum is iron in Latin (or Neightin in the story). The last name I can see about removing, but I believe I’ll keep for now, as it also follows a naming convention.
Also, this, the universe I’m building up does lend itself to some odd names, such as Armitge and Phlogist. Most names are based on mythology or common themes, as well as a few ass-pull names that I do hope go well with the audiences.
In all honesty, Pony names are meant to come off as a tad ‘off,’ as the universe itself is ‘off’ itself
Now, to the final notes
This chapter is infested with information dumps and your pacing is glacial as a result. While some are necessary to establish the setting and how it differs from the Equestria I have observed, others—such as the aforementioned character descriptions—should be reworked or cut.
>I believe I’ve already stated that some of this ‘glacial pacing’ is intentional. The idea is to show a character that has the tendency to be quite descriptive. This is meant to contrast the shift in the coming chapters to less description, more surreal situations, and the slip into madness. Essentially, a story that degenerates along with the character.
To that end, I have the very first piece of text show this idea, as it begins quite with quite the description, has a middle that is more or less ‘stable’, followed by the degeneration of both the narration, but also of the words itself.
The characters in question are vivid and fleshed out, at least in relation to the length of the narrative. The narrator is especially promising, but that may simply be because I saw more of him than of the others.
>Well, then this chapter’s accomplished its goal. The narrator was meant to be the most fleshed out, but not quite so fleshed out in order to leave room for his growth—or, in the case of this story, un-growth
Unfortunately, the "voice" of your narrative thus far is not conducive to Lovecraftian horror. Like their creator, Lovecraft's characters were never quite mentally stable; your narrator-protagonist—despite his dark outlook and troubled past—comes off as far too level-headed to fit that mold.
As stated, the theme of the story is degeneration. As such, the first chapter is the most whole of them all, having almost no real ‘horror’ themes to it. This will change from the second chapter onwards. You’ll also start to see more lovecraftian themes. This will include the requisite ‘fall to madness’, surreal and unspeakable imagery, the sense of wrongness and dread. I do hope I can live up to the feel however, as that’s the most single important aspect to this story
Well, that more or less covers everything that is to be covered. I will look over the story to find these ‘glacial narrative’ instances and see if they do need to be streamlined some more, or maintained. All in all, this has been a great review Mr. Shockwave. I do hope you are able (and willing) to not only look over the soon-to-be-written sequel, but also the main body of this work, which expands on the universe I’m creating.
And with that, Mr. Shockwave, I bid you a happy evening, and happy Autobot hunting.
>>119023
If Seattle's got his eye on you, then be wary... be very wary...
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