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118858 No. 118858
#Reviewer #Decepticon #IC
Greetings, Equestrians.

I am Shockwave, and I have taken an interest in your world and the fictions inspired by it. Unfortunately, the majority of these are terrible: riddled with mechanical errors or blighted with poorly conceived original characters.

I wish to rectify this.

To that end, I have created this thread. Aspiring pony authors may submit their fictions to be judged by my eye. I will provide corrections and suggestions and—if all goes as planned—the fictions will emerge improved.

Submit, if for no other reason than to spare other reviewers.

SUBMISSION REQUIREMENTS
♦Title
♦Author Name
♦Tags
♦Synopsis
♦Word Count
♦Your Native Language
♦Link

Failure to provide any of the above will result in summary dismissal.

RULES
1. Read the "Sticky".
It contains useful information that I cannot be bothered to provide.

2. No "Clop".
Biological reproduction disgusts me.

3. Prose Only.
No songs. No poetry. No scripts. You may refer to such things indirectly in your fiction, as in Sweetie Belle sang a lovely song, but I do not want to see lyrics.

4. No Repeat Submissions.
I may allow specific exceptions, but as a rule I will only give one review per fiction.

5. No "Troll Fictions".
While I do possess a sense of humour, this type of fiction does not engage it.

Violating the above rules will result in dismissal.
Additionally:

6. Reply.
Share your thoughts on the review I provide, or you will not get another.

* * *

I also reserve the right to dismiss fictions for any other reason. If I do so I shall explain.

Authors who receive three dismissals—or who violate Rule 6—will find any future submsissions ignored.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 118859
Hello there, "welcome" to /fic/.

I suggest you take a look at the TG and grab a story from there so people get some examples of what you can do. Review threads can languish here for a while if people don't know what the person/robot/worsedecepticonbymiles reviewer can do.
>> No. 118862
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118862
For reasons I cannot quite explain (and if nothing else, because I've always been a fan of Shockwave) I'm compelled to post in this thread.

-----------------------------------

Title: Salty Shores[b]

[b]Author name: E.D. "Garnot" C]-[H


Tags: Horror (lovecraftian), Alternate Universe, Noir (Dungeoun-punk/Fantastic Noir)

Synopsis: There is a fog covered hillside cove that few dare speak of... a place where the black seas and the black earth converge. The few tales that are whispered speak of a damned town where the dead walk and an evil born in the deepest, darkest recesses of the ancient oceans resides; an evil that neither science nor magic can explain...

But this wasn't always the case. Once, the location was one of progress and prosperity, where riches could be made from deep within the earth's bowels.

All that changed when they arrived...


Word Count: 6035

Native Tongue: Spanish

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-hbGnF2o8a59C05cTJ_LTSDbLCfINTDHSRtsI5Ukxs8/edit
>> No. 118870
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118870
>>118859
You misspelled "worst". Additionally, your taste in Decepticons is deplorable.

>>118862
Submission acknowledged. Evaluating...
>> No. 118890
New threeeeead!

Title: Haven't come up with one. Working title: the Birth of Ardor, by Tactical!Rainboom

Drama (the Sad tag is just fucking stupid)

~4000 words. Shorter than I'd like it to be, but there you are.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hcxtNKmDfAsXLfgDuK-R2OMfrhMu5VQ1T7SPvOMmUDs/edit

Looking forward to your review! There are some comments hanging around from someone else, but I've mulled over their suggestions without really coming to what kind of edits I should do. I've purged the ones that were actual corrections.
>> No. 118917
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118917
Reason for Dismissal:
>SUBMISSION REQUIREMENTS
>♦Synopsis
>♦Your Native Language

As I have not yet finished evaluating Salty Shores, you may resubmit your fiction without violating Rule 4.
>> No. 118918
>>118917

Hell--

I derped around while making that post and hit send assuming I'd finished it because my brain had moved on from the bits I hadn't added. I leave half-finished sentences in fics sometimes for that very reason.

The Birth of Ardor

Tactical!Rainboom

Drama

A letter reaches the Sisters, reporting the birth of a very special child.

This is a story about love.

4000 words

English

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hcxtNKmDfAsXLfgDuK-R2OMfrhMu5VQ1T7SPvOMmUDs/edit
>> No. 119006
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119006
>>118918
Submission acknowledged. Evaluating...
>> No. 119007
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119007
First, your synopsis/prologue:

>fog covered
Fog-covered. The hyphen is used to join two or more words serving as an adjective before a noun.

>hillside cove
Despite how it is sometimes used, "hillside" is a noun—specifically, it is the side of a hill—rather than an adjective. However, the incorrect usage is common enough that your readers are unlikely to notice the error. If you prefer to be correct you should say cove beside a hill, though as that is unwieldy I recommend simply not mentioning the hill here.
 
>But this wasn't always the case.
As a rule, do not begin narrative sentences with "but". You may do so freely in dialogue, though.

>the earth's bowels
In the document this sentence ends here, with no punctuation.

Now for the fiction itself:

>The shrill alarm ran out in the dark.
Rang.

>Instinctively,/Slowly,/Instantly,
Beginning a sentence with an adjective or adverb is acceptable in moderation, but here you overuse the technique. Additionally, the comma used after each slows the sentence. This complements slowly but conflicts with the other two.

>and gave way to blissful silence/giving my ears a much needed respite.
These are redundant. Drop one.

>I got a good look at the time: 5:00 am; crack of dawn—time to get up.
While not technically flawed, this sentence brings almost nothing to the fiction. The reader knows the time because of the scene header, and it is presumed that the narrator knows what time his own alarm is set to go off. That it is time for him to get up is likewise implied, by the alarm's existence. Only the fact that the sun rises at 0500 is new, and that could be conveyed with through my window, I could see the sun just beginning to rise or a similar phrase.

>my old tired bones
My old, tired bones.

>which thankfully, was
Which—thankfully—was.

>It was just as she had left it ten years ago, not a single speck of dust displaced.
Slightly awkward phrasing. If no dust has been displaced, it should have ten years' worth of dust on it. If it is just as she had left it, it should presumably have no dust. I recommend the following:
Aside from the thick coat of dust, it was just as she had left it ten years ago.
Alternatively, if you prefer him to be sentimental:
It was just as she had left it ten years ago; I had even kept it free of dust.

>I’m instantly reminded of her/I still find it hard to believe/how I miss her…
You have suddenly shifted to present tense. Be wary of this, as it happens repeatedly in these early scenes. I will not point out every instance; it falls to you to hunt them down as though they were Autobots.

>once white coat
Hyphen.

>what looked (and smelled) like ichor from a rather unsettling night’s rest
Firstly: replace the parentheses with em dashes.

Secondly: none of the defintions for ichor stored in my databanks quite fit your sentence. I recommend choosing a different word.

>I looked on the stallion in the mirror, and he stared right back at me, just as he did every morning, and had done so for as long as I could recall. The stallion was no stranger. On the contrary, he was family, a part of who I was, even if the facade changed constantly. The stallion in the mirror was me, and I was him.
This prose is as purple as my plating. Reword or remove it.

>her words would have served solely as for support and wouldn’t have carried much meaning outside of that.
Awkward. Try her words would have been supportive, but inaccurate.

>if I’m being Honest
Is the capitalization an error, or a reference to the Elements of Harmony?

>located in the eastern Equestrian Coast
On the coast.

>a cave-in that sealed off the mines
From the context of the article and the narrator's later thoughts, these are implied to be salt mines. The fog mentioned in the prologue is the reason a coastal settlement would mine for salt, rather than producing it by evaporating seawater, correct?

>by the times news reached
Time, singular.

>the Eastern Ocean.
You have creatively named every other landmark; you can do the same for this ocean.

>So far, there are no confirmed survivors, and as time ticks down, what few survivors that may yet hold on to dear life deep within the bowels of the now sealed-off refineries and mines face little hope of immediate rescue.
Purple prose again, although it can be forgiven as the style of the journalist.

>miss Twilight
That should read miss Sparkle if the rules for pony names are similar to those for human names.

>I asked the institute’s director—a pudgy and somewhat worn-looking unicorn ten years my elder. He had a patch of missing brown mane over the crown of his head, his skin that stretched out due to his heftiness—which was itself a sign of his clear gluttony and the money to support such a vice—and a very broad shark smile that said ‘I’m in it for the money, not the science.’
This is an information dump, and it is a recurring problem in your character descriptions. I did not mention the information dump in the mirror scene both because the narrator is the main character and because he was in fact staring into a mirror, contemplating his appearance.

Here, he is having a conversation; that should take precedence in his attention.

For the sake of pacing and to illustrate the narrator's changed priorities, I suggest spreading the description throughout the conversation. Mention the director's weight when he laughs, causing his bloated form to jiggle. Mention his broad smile when he actually smiles.

This conversation—like the director himself—also suffers from "Telling". While some details can only be conveyed to the reader by stating them bluntly in the narrative, most can be implied through a character's actions and how those actions are executed. Compare:

Megatron glared at Starscream, feeling nothing but contempt for the treacherous Seeker.

Megatron glared at Starscream with narrowed eyes, the corners of his mouth curling slightly downwards.

While the second is less direct and thus open to misinterpretation on its own, once placed into the context of a larger narrative it would convey Megatron's contempt and produce a stronger visual in the reader's mind at the same time.

>Equestria’s two most powerful neighbors and, aside from Zeborite—which could be considered a sister nation—rivals.
Awkward. I suggest Equestria's two most powerful neighbors and—at least in the case of Gryphos—rivals.

>Paries Transmuto
As a rule, non-English text in English prose should be italicized.

>why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, and don’t be shy now, I’ll know if your fudging anything.”
I say something similar to Autobot captives when I am about to interrogate them, but I do not do so to comfort them. Perhaps this is a cultural difference.

Additionally, it should be I'll know if you're fudging anything.

>Ferrum Blazehooves
Unless naming conventions are one of the "alternate" aspects of your alternate universe, this is a terrible pony name. Refer to >>83432 for suggestions.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

This chapter is infested with information dumps and your pacing is glacial as a result. While some are necessary to establish the setting and how it differs from the Equestria I have observed, others—such as the aforementioned character descriptions—should be reworked or cut.

The characters in question are vivid and fleshed out, at least in relation to the length of the narrative. The narrator is especially promising, but that may simply be because I saw more of him than of the others.

Unfortunately, the "voice" of your narrative thus far is not conducive to Lovecraftian horror. Like their creator, Lovecraft's characters were never quite mentally stable; your narrator-protagonist—despite his dark outlook and troubled past—comes off as far too level-headed to fit that mold.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Your fiction shows promise, or rather it will once the mechanical errors are corrected.
>> No. 119023
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119023
>I'm on to you
>> No. 119126
Title: Unbroken Steel: Rainbow Dash and Starscream (the first chapter)

Author: Mad-Mutt (Me)

Tags: Shipping, Action, Adventure, Crossover

Summery: A shipping Fic about Rainbow Dash and Starscream? Yes that's what this is, but if you're expecting a sappy love story with a lot of kissing then you'd be wrong. It was a romance that was doomed to fail from the beginning, if you think romance involves constantly fighting and trying to destroy each other. Inspired by the Death Battle on Screwattack.com where RD fought Starscream and won. After falling into Equestria through a wormhole Starscream makes enemies with a certain rainbow maned daredevil. But can these enemies become friends, or possibly something even more? Very Unlikely.

Word Count:10,000 give or take (if this is too long I'm sorry)

Language: English (American)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jOnEslMAzXh9Uchbt-PJF2UHYmaWcMAqAZegamPbZOM/edit?pli=1


Notes: I did have this in another reviewer's list thing, but I'm guessing that reviewer doesn't have the time (which I can understand) to do it or I forgot to put in some other info and they've turned it down already cause I'm an idiot. I just hope I'm not doing a no-no here.
Anyways with this being a Transformers crossover I kind of want your opinion on it cause you're obviously a Transformers fan and you'll be able to point out some screw ups I've might have missed.
So okay, I get that this is a weird idea but I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible. Its about a rainbow pony and a giant robot so I guess realistic is a loose term. I also want to remain respectful to the two main characters. I try to set up who the villains are gonna be in this chapter to.
I do plan to try to submit this to EQD at some point hopefully and I can take criticism, so don't worry too much about hurting my feelings, I really do want to get better.
Thank you if you decide to do a review and I hope its not terrible.
>> No. 119134
Title: Not sure yet
Author: bob115
Tags: Human
Synopsis: Irrelevant for the scope of this review.
Word Count: 700
Native Language: American English
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14vzLuw3PXJjfua8TeI2-Y7uU-rCemC-xrHk7QL2do7s/edit

I'm most interested if this is at all an interesting opening. I'm also concerned about my main character. This first bit does not however have any ponies in it, so if you are not willing to review it I understand.
>> No. 119135
>>119134
I should probably mention that this is also sitting in Umbra's thread. That thread may or may not be dead.
>> No. 119147
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119147
Experienci— —vy communications int— —peat, ex— —heavy com— —interference.

>Out of character:

>I'm terribly sorry, but for some reason I am unable to view the fics you all have posted. I'm trying to figure out a work-around; if I manage it I'll get back to reviewing. Until then, I've got to put this on hold.

>I've probably just set a record for the shortest-lived review thread...

>I really am utterly sorry.
>> No. 119150
>>119147
Actually, this is the shortest lived review thread: >>68542

Ignoring that, try a different browser, that normally solves it. Worse case scenario, go to your Google docs document page (the one with the list) and download the file directly.

Other options exists, you don't need to plaster the documents with comments for it to be a good review.
>> No. 119153
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119153
>>119147
I notice all of your derped stories are in GDocs.

And they called me crazy when I told them it was an evil program...

Who's laughing now, eh?!
>> No. 119159
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119159
>Thanks, >>119150! The new browser looks like it will work out.

The Autobot terrorists who were jamming my transmissons have been captured and now await interrogation and termination. May this serve as a reminder that opposing Decepticon rule is merely a very painful way to commit suicide.

>>119023
>http://tinyurl.com/9gvcwps

>>119126
Submission ack—

Wait.

You actually wrote a fiction about that treacherous buffon?

This intrigues me. Submission acknowledged. Evaluation pending.

>>119134
I am wary of your fiction. You did read Rule 5, did you not?

Submission warily acknowledged. Evaluation pending.

>>119153
>I don't know what to say to this.
>> No. 119161
>>119159
I do what I can, I do what I can. Carry on, I'm sure the rest appreciate it.
>> No. 119187
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119187
While this has been quite the day indeed, I made heeding your advice on this particular matter one of my top priorities. Changes are being conducted as I post this reply.

With that out of the way, I would like to thank you Mr. Shockwave (I may call you Mr. Shockwave, right? heh… do execute me quick and painlessly if not) for the invaluable input you’ve provided thus far. As per rules of review, I will go over every point made, acknowledging corrections, and attempting to refute, and likely failing whatever I find to be… unsavory.

Let’s begin.


>fog covered
Fog-covered. The hyphen is used to join two or more words serving as an adjective before a noun.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete

>hillside cove
Despite how it is sometimes used, "hillside" is a noun—specifically, it is the side of a hill—rather than an adjective. However, the incorrect usage is common enough that your readers are unlikely to notice the error. If you prefer to be correct you should say cove beside a hill, though as that is unwieldy I recommend simply not mentioning the hill here.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete

>But this wasn't always the case.
As a rule, do not begin narrative sentences with "but". You may do so freely in dialogue, though.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete

>the earth's bowels
In the document this sentence ends here, with no punctuation.
Correction Acknowledged and Complete

Now for the fiction itself:

>The shrill alarm ran out in the dark.
Rang.
Suggestion Acknowledge and Complete

>Instinctively,/Slowly,/Instantly,
Beginning a sentence with an adjective or adverb is acceptable in moderation, but here you overuse the technique. Additionally, the comma used after each slows the sentence. This complements slowly but conflicts with the other two.
Suggestions Acknowledged and Complete

>and gave way to blissful silence/giving my ears a much needed respite.
These are redundant. Drop one.
While I agree with this outcome, I also wanted to show how the doctor has a tendency to be… well, purple-prose in narration. This is intentional, as his matter of speaking goes from detailed, to barely comprehensible as the story progresses. I shall address this in more detail later.

However, I still acknowledged your suggestion, and thus has been completed


>I got a good look at the time: 5:00 am; crack of dawn—time to get up.
While not technically flawed, this sentence brings almost nothing to the fiction. The reader knows the time because of the scene header, and it is presumed that the narrator knows what time his own alarm is set to go off. That it is time for him to get up is likewise implied, by the alarm's existence. Only the fact that the sun rises at 0500 is new, and that could be conveyed with through my window, I could see the sun just beginning to rise or a similar phrase.
Again, wanted to convey a sense that this narrator in particular reveled in details. Has to do with the inevitable degeneration of this persona. Matter, of fact, the entire story is meant to show this feeling.

Again, your suggestion has been acknowledged, but only 50% of it has been heeded in order to maintain the feel of over-done description (which again, degenerates as part of the story’s narration)


>my old tired bones
My old, tired bones.
Suggestion Acknowledged and Complete

>which thankfully, was
Which—thankfully—was.
Hmm… this one I can dispute. Em-dashes provide a partial segway to another section of dialogue—kind of like a toll road leading to a different path—and then either going its own way, or returning to the original thought.

In this particular section, I felt I didn’t quite need to create a deviation, hence why I used commas as a soft pause rather than the longer pause em-dashes provide. However, I do see the use of em-dashes here.

For that reason, I’ll go with your suggestion. However, I still feel the comma worked just as fine


>It was just as she had left it ten years ago, not a single speck of dust displaced.
Slightly awkward phrasing. If no dust has been displaced, it should have ten years' worth of dust on it. If it is just as she had left it, it should presumably have no dust. I recommend the following:
Aside from the thick coat of dust, it was just as she had left it ten years ago.
Alternatively, if you prefer him to be sentimental:
It was just as she had left it ten years ago; I had even kept it free of dust.
Sentimental Suggestion Acknowledged and Complete

>I’m instantly reminded of her/I still find it hard to believe/how I miss her…
You have suddenly shifted to present tense. Be wary of this, as it happens repeatedly in these early scenes. I will not point out every instance; it falls to you to hunt them down as though they were Autobots.
Present tense is mostly present to show the doctor’s seeming lack of coherence, both due to age and his somewhat unstable persona (which only gets more so). However, I do see your point, and I shall remedy all instances of tense shift EXCEPT the last one, as I find it both necessary to show how the feelings remain to the present without having to give a long-winded description, and I personally find it aids the mood to be more melancholic.

So, I shall leave one Autobot alive, so he can scurry back to his base and spread the word of my wrath. Fear after all, the greatest weapon


>once white coat
Hyphen.
Suggestions Acknowledged

>what looked (and smelled) like ichor from a rather unsettling night’s rest
Firstly: replace the parentheses with em dashes.
Suggestions Acknowledge

Secondly: none of the definitions for ichor stored in my databanks quite fit your sentence. I recommend choosing a different word.
I do see your point. For that reason, I’ve changed the sentence to “from some festering wound.” That should correct the issue and still provide an adequate simile

>I looked on the stallion in the mirror, and he stared right back at me, just as he did every morning, and had done so for as long as I could recall. The stallion was no stranger. On the contrary, he was family, a part of who I was, even if the facade changed constantly. The stallion in the mirror was me, and I was him.
This prose is as purple as my plating. Reword or remove it.
Once again, I will state that the purple prose is half intentional, as it shows (via written word) how the character goes from detailed and (somewhat) sane, to a rambling incoherent individual whose words no longer hold meaning.

However, I do see your point in trimming down the statement so it flows smoother. In that regard, about 30% of your suggestions has been heeded again, I ready myself for what might be a long and agonizing death at your hands


>her words would have served solely as for support and wouldn’t have carried much meaning outside of that.
Awkward. Try her words would have been supportive, but inaccurate.
Suggestion Acknowledged and Complete

>if I’m being Honest
Is the capitalization an error, or a reference to the Elements of Harmony?
Not quite a reference; just a slip of my finger. Correction has been carried out

>located in the eastern Equestrian Coast
On the coast.
This on, I’m not entirely sure about. I still wish to convey the location without naming it, but I also like your idea.

I shall see about making a compromise here


>a cave-in that sealed off the mines
From the context of the article and the narrator's later thoughts, these are implied to be salt mines. The fog mentioned in the prologue is the reason a coastal settlement would mine for salt, rather than producing it by evaporating seawater, correct?
Indeed, you are correct. Salty Shores lies in an era that is constantly in a state of overcast. Fog is heavy, and the soils hold much of the saltine mineral from eons long past. For this reason, the town mines for its salt—as well as keep various other underground facilities for other purposes

>by the times news reached
Time, singular.
This correction has been carried out

>the Eastern Ocean.
You have creatively named every other landmark; you can do the same for this ocean.
Very well. Hence forth, the name of the ocean shall be “the Carcosan Ocean/sea (from ‘the king in yellow’ fame)

>So far, there are no confirmed survivors, and as time ticks down, what few survivors that may yet hold on to dear life deep within the bowels of the now sealed-off refineries and mines face little hope of immediate rescue.
Purple prose again, although it can be forgiven as the style of the journalist.
Right you are on this one Mr. Shockwave. However, I do see your point. I shall compromise and reword this so it’s more direct.

This is one of the instances where I wish to be direct in the narration, rather than show a progression of degeneration


>miss Twilight
That should read miss Sparkle if the rules for pony names are similar to those for human names.
Acknowledged and Changed

>I asked the institute’s director—a pudgy and somewhat worn-looking unicorn ten years my elder. He had a patch of missing brown mane over the crown of his head, his skin that stretched out due to his heftiness—which was itself a sign of his clear gluttony and the money to support such a vice—and a very broad shark smile that said ‘I’m in it for the money, not the science.’
This is an information dump, and it is a recurring problem in your character descriptions. I did not mention the information dump in the mirror scene both because the narrator is the main character and because he was in fact staring into a mirror, contemplating his appearance.

Here, he is having a conversation; that should take precedence in his attention.

For the sake of pacing and to illustrate the narrator's changed priorities, I suggest spreading the description throughout the conversation. Mention the director's weight when he laughs, causing his bloated form to jiggle. Mention his broad smile when he actually smiles.

This conversation—like the director himself—also suffers from "Telling". While some details can only be conveyed to the reader by stating them bluntly in the narrative, most can be implied through a character's actions and how those actions are executed. Compare:

Megatron glared at Starscream, feeling nothing but contempt for the treacherous Seeker.

Megatron glared at Starscream with narrowed eyes, the corners of his mouth curling slightly downwards.

While the second is less direct and thus open to misinterpretation on its own, once placed into the context of a larger narrative it would convey Megatron's contempt and produce a stronger visual in the reader's mind at the same time.
Your suggestion is quite welcome, as I too feared this particular section strayed—much like a rather misplaced blast to Optimus’ back—into unwanted territory. While I do find it rather infuriating that I am still doing this, I am at least glad another was able to point it out before it became too big an issue to correct. I guess I was a bit too focused on just getting the whole scene across to give the notion of pacing a more thorough thought.

In that regard, you suggestion has been applied and is now complete


>Equestria’s two most powerful neighbors and, aside from Zeborite—which could be considered a sister nation—rivals.
Awkward. I suggest Equestria's two most powerful neighbors and—at least in the case of Gryphos—rivals.
Your Suggestion has been Applied

>Paries Transmuto
As a rule, non-English text in English prose should be italicized.
Huh… I believed this instance to be italicized, much as the previous terms had been. Guess I missed that particular instance.

Your Suggestions has been Applied


>why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, and don’t be shy now, I’ll know if your fudging anything.”
I say something similar to Autobot captives when I am about to interrogate them, but I do not do so to comfort them. Perhaps this is a cultural difference.

Additionally, it should be I'll know if you're fudging anything.
Heh, you could say that. Here’s hoping I never find myself in your bad side.

Regardless, you suggestion has been applied


>Ferrum Blazehooves
Unless naming conventions are one of the "alternate" aspects of your alternate universe, this is a terrible pony name. Refer to >>83432 for suggestions.
Well, ‘Ferrum Blazehooves’ does follow some pony naming conventions—far as I know. [i]Ferrum
is iron in Latin (or Neightin in the story). The last name I can see about removing, but I believe I’ll keep for now, as it also follows a naming convention.

Also, this, the universe I’m building up does lend itself to some odd names, such as Armitge and Phlogist. Most names are based on mythology or common themes, as well as a few ass-pull names that I do hope go well with the audiences.

In all honesty, Pony names are meant to come off as a tad ‘off,’ as the universe itself is ‘off’ itself



Now, to the final notes

This chapter is infested with information dumps and your pacing is glacial as a result. While some are necessary to establish the setting and how it differs from the Equestria I have observed, others—such as the aforementioned character descriptions—should be reworked or cut.
>I believe I’ve already stated that some of this ‘glacial pacing’ is intentional. The idea is to show a character that has the tendency to be quite descriptive. This is meant to contrast the shift in the coming chapters to less description, more surreal situations, and the slip into madness. Essentially, a story that degenerates along with the character.

To that end, I have the very first piece of text show this idea, as it begins quite with quite the description, has a middle that is more or less ‘stable’, followed by the degeneration of both the narration, but also of the words itself.


The characters in question are vivid and fleshed out, at least in relation to the length of the narrative. The narrator is especially promising, but that may simply be because I saw more of him than of the others.
>Well, then this chapter’s accomplished its goal. The narrator was meant to be the most fleshed out, but not quite so fleshed out in order to leave room for his growth—or, in the case of this story, un-growth

Unfortunately, the "voice" of your narrative thus far is not conducive to Lovecraftian horror. Like their creator, Lovecraft's characters were never quite mentally stable; your narrator-protagonist—despite his dark outlook and troubled past—comes off as far too level-headed to fit that mold.
As stated, the theme of the story is degeneration. As such, the first chapter is the most whole of them all, having almost no real ‘horror’ themes to it. This will change from the second chapter onwards. You’ll also start to see more lovecraftian themes. This will include the requisite ‘fall to madness’, surreal and unspeakable imagery, the sense of wrongness and dread. I do hope I can live up to the feel however, as that’s the most single important aspect to this story


Well, that more or less covers everything that is to be covered. I will look over the story to find these ‘glacial narrative’ instances and see if they do need to be streamlined some more, or maintained. All in all, this has been a great review Mr. Shockwave. I do hope you are able (and willing) to not only look over the soon-to-be-written sequel, but also the main body of this work, which expands on the universe I’m creating.

And with that, Mr. Shockwave, I bid you a happy evening, and happy Autobot hunting.

>>119023
If Seattle's got his eye on you, then be wary... be very wary...
>> No. 119197
>>119159
I hope it doesn't come off as a troll fic. It certainly wasn't intended to.
>> No. 119252
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119252
Greetings, Shockwave!

Title: Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine (chapter 1)

Author: OmegaPony11

Tags: Adventure/Sci-fi (Steampunk)

Synopsis: Join an adventure in the skies above as the Mane Six journey past Equestria’s borders, across oceans, and into new lands of wonder and technology. Follow their journey as they learn about these frontiers, the ponies that live there, their ideas, and about themselves as they travel the world in Pinkie Pie’s Wonderful Flying Machine!

Word Count: 5,946

Native Language: English (Canadian)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hH1u9fh_3jTYf15wftqNa7p6pPszHX_ZiB2kFOWAccQ/edit

If this chapter, and thus series, interests you, are you open to receive next iterations? If not, no problem.

Thank you for your time.
>> No. 119378
I know this is three-four days late, but I wanted to mention that MS Office Word has a comment functionality that's very similar to Gdocs'. It also doesn't lag after being overloaded with comments the way gdocs does but its formatting is shit and nowhere near as easy to use or read.

But you seem to be a fan of the crushingly immense mega-post approach, so that's cool anyway.
>> No. 119446
File 134774621262.jpg - (16.77KB , 320x240 , shockwave-1.jpg )
119446
>belonged to a being who I wished never to see
Whom.

>stones, alight with magic, lay
Stones—alight with magic—lay.

>Twilight Sparkle and the Six
Awkward, as I presume that you refer to the "Mane" Six. Of which group Twilight Sparkle is a member. Suggestion: Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the Six.

>nuzzle her one last time—Arodr, beautiful Ardor,
The above typo is yours.

>hard I galloped, I made no progress
Superfluous comma.

>[hr]
Unidentified coding. What is its function?

>them away, but they rose anew,
The first comma is superfluous.

>hoof-written
I was unaware that your species' limbs were so dexterous. This calls for further experiments...

>whereupon, evidently, some lieutenant
Em dashes.

>fetching my crown and ornamental boots.
Boots? Truly?

>Princess/Princess/my Princess
I admit I am unfamiliar with Equestrian culture. Do you not use the terms "Highness" and "Majesty"?

>for the journey, and what may I tell
These are two seperate questions, and thus should each recieve their own sentence.

>Queens instead of Goddesses.
When referring to a rank but not specifically to an individual of said rank, the rank should not be capitalized.

Before the founding of Equestria, the earth ponies were led by chancellors. The last of these was the infamous Chancellor Puddinghead.

Additionally, God and Goddess are usually only capitalized in monotheistic faiths.

Cybertronians recognize two gods: Primus and Unicron.

>This, indeed, was the entire reason
Both of these commas are superfluous.

>houses plus a scattering of larger businesses
Awkward, as the wording implies that the houses are smaller businesses. Suggestion: remove larger and replace businesses with shops.

>slow descent, I could
Superfluous comma.

>Ardor, or anypony else for that matter, a thousand years
Em dashes.

>the stallion guiding us breathlessly explained
This is the stallion with a lantern in his mouth, is it not? It would appear that I have still more experiments to run.

>arrived, bringing a golden pool of light with me, her
>weakness, and thanks to our impossibly fast arrival, I
Em dashes.

>"How this little one was born
Conceived would make more sense than born in this context.

>of this truth, I could not
Superfluous comma.

>I think this may be the last time."
As it stands, this implies that the cycle is ending. If that is not your intention, I suggest the last time I see you with these old eyes or something similar.

>portal of pure magic into a realm of pure magic
Awkward. Suggestion: portal of pure magic into a mysterious realm.

>a new Cadence.
According to Equestrian records, she spells the short form of her name C A D A N C E. Most illogical.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Mechanical errors aside, I enjoyed your fiction.

It is perhaps worth noting that that is one of the highest compliments I give.
>> No. 119448
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119448
>>119252
Submission acknowledged. Evaluation pending.
>> No. 119451
>>119446

Thanks for all the technicals. You've caught a lot of things I didn't on my proofreads.

Regarding em dashes for appositives: I could've sworn that you could use commas for that too. I particularly don't like em dashes for "alight with magic" but I couldn't tell you a technical reason for it.

Regarding boots: Well, she wears these... shoes. Ornamental shoes. Like, what are they? Ankle cuffs?

Regarding the spelling of Cadance: I referred to her as Cadenza when addressing her by name, and spelled Cadence like I did because that's the musical term.

Regarding capitalization of titles: I feel like I've seen King and Prince and such capitalized, but perhaps that's only when using it as a prefix, i.e. "I spoke to Princess Celestia." Even at that, I could see using a lowercase P.

Whatever. For consistency's sake, and because the capitalized version generally refers to a monotheistic god, I'll go ahead and change it. I only capitalized it for dramatic effect and I'm not attached to it.

Thanks for your good efforts. I'm always working on making my writing cleaner, and details like "this may be the last time" are important to that.
>> No. 119469
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119469
Firstly, your fiction suffers from a systemic issue with point-of-view. Most of the time you appear to aim for third person limited, but you frequently divert into third person omniscient. You must choose one and use it consistently.

In case you do not know the difference, third person limited means that the story is told from the perspective of one character at a time. While the story follows that character the reader has access to his thoughts and feelings, but only his. Example:

Starscream growled out of pure hate, but Rainbow Dash only laughed, stoking his rage higher.

Here we have Starscream's actions and feelings, but only Rainbow Dash's actions.

In third person omniscient, the reader has open access to all characters. Example:

Starscream growled out of pure hate, but Rainbow Dash only laughed. Her laughter came from a growing fondness for the idiot robot, and she had no idea that it was stoking his rage higher.

The difference is primarily a matter of how many secrets you wish to keep from your readers. Either style is pefectly acceptable, but you must be consistent.

It is worth noting that third person limited does not obligate you to stay with one character for the entire fiction. However, if you are going to change characters you should make it obvious to the reader, usually by way of a scene break.

For the purposes of this evaluation, I shall assume that you intend this fiction to be in third person limited.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Secondly, you do not elaborate on the Cybertronian side of your crossover enough.

You have mentioned a desire to submit this fiction to Equestria Daily. It can therefore be assumed that your readers will have a comfortable knowledge of Equestria. However, you appear to assume that they will also have a comfortable knowledge of Cybertron.

I will make specific notes on this issue below, but I want you to keep it in mind as you edit and add to your fiction.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

>the Decepticon named Starscream
Awkward. I do not think of myself as "the Decepticon named Shockwave;" I am Shockwave, and that is enough. You have ample time to explain that Starscream is—unfortunately—a Decepticon.

>the little pony with the rainbow mane
If—and only if—you are opening the fiction in third person limited from Starscream's point-of-view, this is acceptable due to his literally alien perspective. Under any other circumstances this would be "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome", and unacceptable.

>an attack he never saw coming
Awkward. Suggestion: an attack he had never seen coming,

Note the comma.

>at her hooves just like last time
Between hooves and just, I recommend either an ellipsis or an em dash.

>It was not like Starscream wasn't used to failure.
Was not gives your narrator a formal tone. Wasn't gives an informal tone. Choose one.

>he had lost count/not that he ever kept count
Contradictory. Choose one.

>colorful pony; a pony!
Em dash. Additionally, you may wish to italicize the last instance of pony.

>She would taunt him and go out of her way to make him angry during all three of their previous fights like they were just games to her, including this one.
Not only is this sentence awkward, but it also "Tells" information that you "Show" later. Delete it.

>As Starscream's body laid there broken his spark-which was looked like a little glowing orb to Dash-flew out.
Firstly: assume that your readers do not know what Starscream looks like. Thus, you must tell them.

Secondly: do not tell your readers everything about his appearance at once unless it is vital to do so. Doing so can easily become an information dump and cost you your reader's attention.

Thirdly: in this instance you would use lay rather than laid.

Fourthly: comma after broken, to drive home how still his body is.

Fifthly: em dashes, not hyphens.

Sixthly: assume that your reader does not know what a spark is.

Seventhly: if this is third person limited, do not describe Rainbow Dash's point of view. It is safe to assume that Starscream knows what his spark looks like.

Suggestion: As Starscream's huge, mechanical body lay there broken, his spark—the true core of his being, in the form of a small glowing orb—flew out.

>At least this time she didn't try to eat him
You convey this better later. Delete this sentence and the next.

>her mane in a spikey like fashion
Is her mane spiky, or is it spike-like?

>this tinny and arrogant creature, he hated
Tiny. Additionally, you should replace the comma with either a period or a semicolon.

>under the cover of darkness
Superfluous.

>body, and in a flash of magic from his horn, he
Remove the commas and place em dashes after and and horn.

>campsite somewhere deep within
This wording implies that Starscream and/or Sparks do not know the exact location of the campsite.

>Now that the figure
This is present tense. Once the figureis past tense.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

About Sparks:
Firstly, he has two extremely potent talents: he can teleport himself and a Decepticon over large distances, and he can alter matter on a molecular level into complex, alien machinery. In fact I believe I shall divide that second talent into two: transmutation and a genius for machines.

I would very much like to get my hand on Sparks; he would be an invaluable weapon against the Autobots.

More to the point for your fiction however, he is simply too powerful. Any one of his three talents is comparable to the powers and abilities of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony; together they make him powerful enough to shatter your readers' suspension of disbelief.

I suggest making Sparks into three ponies, each with one of his current talents. They could be triplets if you like, and remind Starscream of his fellow Seekers.

Additionally, making Sparks a "terrorist" clashes with the overall tone of Equestrian society. At the very least, have him refer to himself as a freedom fighter.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

To be blunt, my time is limited. My primary function is Military Operations Commander—rather than Fiction Evaluator—and this fiction repeats the same errors many times; pointing each one out would be energon-inefficient.

However—as I do not wish to leave a task incomplete—I have a proposal.

Apply as many improvements as you can based on what I have told you here. Not just the ones I specifically mention, but as many others as you can extrapolate based on what you have learned.

After you have done so, you may resubmit this chapter without violating Rule 4.

Agreed? Excellent.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

>He wished he had never come to this world, and he wouldn't have if Shockwave hadn't kicked him into that wormhole generator.
Replace the comma with an ellipsis.

Additionally, he had it coming.
>> No. 119474
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119474
>his wiry, athletic frame reclining back in the grungy chair's sticky embrace.
Reclining back is redundant.

>"Well you always were the mastermind of our little adventures when we were younger,"
Expository dialogue—while useful to the reader—should not be delivered to a character that already knows it. If nothing else, make it more casual: Aw, you've been smarter than me since we were kids!

>counted the stains in the dappled plaster. His eyes roamed over
First you imply that he is looking at the ceiling, then you describe the desk. You need another phrase or sentence to help transition his gaze.

>willing to take the job"
There is no punctuation there.

>puerile and naïve
Not identical, but close enough to be redundant. Unless this is a character tic, remove one.

>That idiot shouldn't be working in a experimental genetics lab if he can't stomach the death rate. There's no place for misguided morals in our line of work.
If these are Dirk's thoughts, they should be italicized.

Additionally, as the a precedes a word beginning with a vowel, it should become an an.

>The very buildings seemed to mock him with .
With what?

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

You wanted to know if this is an interesting opening, and what I thought of Dirk Fulton.

As it stands, this opening does not interest me. It has only raised two questions in my mind: "What exprriments are they performing?" and "Why is Fulton so emotionally unbalanced?" If I saw this standing alone as a first chapter, I would not care enough to come back. Be sure to post more when you post this.

As for Fulton himself, he has a proper mindset for a scientist. I am surprised at how quick he is to anger, though. This is most noticeable when he departs the lab: he calms down from the conversation with his employee only to become angry seconds later at... everything, apparently. I do not have much of an opinion about Fulton, though as far as first impressions go he resembles many Decepticons I know.
>> No. 119476
Thanks for the review.
So I see that I have a lot to work on, but I guess that's what happens when you do a crossover like this, it takes a few tries before you get it right. I'll be keeping your review close by and use it to hopefully improve this the best I can.
Just to be sure, when you said I can return for a second chance I only need to make the mentioned improvements to the story and not do a complete rewrite of the whole thing?
This may take some time, mostly because I like to take my time to make it good and I'm working on another little fanfic that's smaller in scale compared to this one. I won't ask you to review that, unless you'd want to that is.
As for Sparks, I never figured I could make them into three character, because I wanted to use as few ocs as possible, but I think I can get a better story out of it and its a good suggestion when I think about it. The big reason for making characters like him is so I could keep making Starscream return for another round with RD because I wanted them to start to get to know each other through fighting.
I guess you can tell I'm pretty new to writing, but hey I'm a lot better than I was a few months ago.
I'll get back to work when I have time and I'll accept your offer to return, and thanks for doing that by the way. Hopefully when I ask you to review this again it will be vastly improved.
I don't know what else to say so thanks again for the review and allowing be to resubmit and I'll see you again when I think the story is ready. I would also like to ask if you might be willing to review future chapters of this story as well if I can make Chapter: 1 more presentable?

Also that part at the end where you said, "Additionally, he had it coming." that made me chuckle.
>> No. 119478
>>119474
Review received. Typos and redundancy will be fixed.

Well I must say I was hoping that this would come off as a bit more interesting, however I can understand your position. This is also not the entire first chapter, only the first scene and a bit of the second. The reason I stopped there is because I wanted to see if the opening was successful at all and if Dirk's personality was any good before pouring more time and effort or getting set in his personality. I was hoping that the grimy lab and beautiful chess set would make the reader curious as well. I should probably develop that duality more.

As for being so unbalanced and quick to anger, I wanted that to add friction to his interactions in Equestria. However, that last part while he's walking home even while typing it I thought it was way too much. I planned (and still plan) to go back and bring that down quite a few notches.

While this might be a bit much to ask, but what could I do help make the opening scene more of a hook?
>> No. 119627
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119627
>I would like to thank you
You are welcome.

>I may call you Mr. Shockwave, right?
I have no biological gender, but a human captive once said that my voice was a "masculine British tenor." "Mister" is therefore acceptable.

>I also wanted to show how the doctor has a tendency to be… well, purple-prose in narration. This is intentional
Very well.

>Hmm… this one I can dispute.
The em dash—like the much-maligned semicolon—is a multipurpose tool. I prefer to employ such tools rather than their more specialized counterparts, but I admit that that is a matter of taste.

>and I personally find it aids the mood to be more melancholic.
Acceptable. I default to the assumption that deviations from standard writing styles are errors, but I can understand stylistic choices.

>again, I ready myself for what might be a long and agonizing death at your hands
You are in no danger. The purpose of this thread is to improve fictions, and dead authors do not improve.

Additionally, I do not kill slowly as a rule. Pain is for extracting information; killing is for the disposal of prisoners who have no more information.

>In all honesty, Pony names are meant to come off as a tad ‘off,’ as the universe itself is ‘off’ itself
Your fiction is set in an alternate universe, so I shall not press the issue.

>All in all, this has been a great review Mr. Shockwave.
I am pleased that you found it useful.

>I do hope you are able (and willing) to not only look over the soon-to-be-written sequel, but also the main body of this work, which expands on the universe I’m creating.
Certainly. The only thing Rule 4 forbids is resubmission of this chapter.

>And with that, Mr. Shockwave, I bid you a happy evening, and happy Autobot hunting.
I do my duty, no more.

>If Seattle's got his eye on you, then be wary... be very wary...
Your concern is noted and... appreciated. I will continue to monitor Subject B-24715—or "Seattle"—with interest.
>> No. 119647
>>119469
I don't know if the review reply I wrote got through or not for some reason so here's my reply to your review of my fanfic in case it got lost somehow.

Thanks for the review.
So I see that I have a lot to work on, but I guess that's what happens when you do a crossover like this, it takes a few tries before you get it right. I'll be keeping your review close by and use it to hopefully improve this the best I can.
Just to be sure, when you said I can return for a second chance I only need to make the mentioned improvements to the story and not do a complete rewrite of the whole thing?
This may take some time, mostly because I like to take my time to make it good and I'm working on another little fanfic that's smaller in scale compared to this one. I won't ask you to review that, unless you'd want to that is.
As for Sparks, I never figured I could make them into three character, because I wanted to use as few ocs as possible, but I think I can get a better story out of it and its a good suggestion when I think about it. The big reason for making characters like him is so I could keep making Starscream return for another round with RD because I wanted them to start to get to know each other through fighting.
I guess you can tell I'm pretty new to writing, but hey I'm a lot better than I was a few months ago.
I'll get back to work when I have time and I'll accept your offer to return, and thanks for doing that by the way. Hopefully when I ask you to review this again it will be vastly improved.
I don't know what else to say so thanks again for the review and allowing be to resubmit and I'll see you again when I think the story is ready. I would also like to ask if you might be willing to review future chapters of this story as well if I can make Chapter: 1 more presentable?

Also that part at the end where you said, "Additionally, he had it coming." that made me chuckle.
>> No. 119891
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119891
>as metal grinded against metal
Ground.

>The question was what reason
Place either a comma or a colon after was.

>To many, Pinkie was building
Awkward. Suggestion: The popular theory held that Pinkie was building.

>a lot more time together. Whether it was
A lot more time together, whether it was.

>"And you're not upset that you are not involved in their work?"
This sounds more like me than it does like Rarity. Suggestion: "You aren't upset not to be involved?"

>The Spa Sisters
Unless "Spa Sisters" is an organization, it should not be capitalized. Of course if "Spa" is a last name, that can stay capitalized.

>usual treatment. Pony pedis,
Usual treatment: pony pedis,

>"Now you want our help?" Rarity responded, sounding a little dejected, "I suppose we can help, though I have to ask, I am
1. Rarity is the perspective character, so the reader should know her feelings. Is she dejected or is she putting on a show?

2. Period after dejected, because you are ending a sentence.

3. Colon after ask, because Rarity is presenting her question.

>The tent was massive, bright pink,
>The tent flaps of beige canvas
Strange, to have flaps of a different color. Stranger still to have such a neutral color on something owned by Pinkie Pie.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Rarity's trepidation just before entering the tent strikes me as excessive, even for a biological life-form.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

>the curtain into temporary structure
The curtian into the temporary structure.

>resembling the fins of fish.
As there is only the one flying machine, it should resemble a fish.

>all thinking, 'how did Rainbow Dash help build something so great,' well
Replace the first comma with a colon and the second with a question mark. This will begin a new sentence and will require you to capitalize well.

>hop, skip and jump
Hop, skip, and jump.

>Rarity the Unicorn?
Unicorn should not be capitalized.

>So much work and planning went into this, the ultimate expression of party ship!"
While there is a mechanical error here, it is overshadowed by the fact that this line sounds more like Twilight Sparkle than Pinkie Pie.

>It was good that Pinkie was taking precautions to make sure her project worked.
My manner of speech is often referred to as "dry." This line is likewise dry. As Rarity is the perspective character, you would do well to color the narration slightly in her style. In the case of this line, that would be something like: Thank heavens Pinkie was testing her creation before anypony rode in it!

>She simply had to know how Pinkie worked on something so massive under such secrecy.
This line sounds like Rarity. Unfortunately, it is superfluous, as it "Tells" about an action you "Show' in the next line.

>or a problem with the engine or a fire!
Comma after engine.

>I should go.
Why does Rarity change her mind so suddenly?

>animal friends, this sounds
Semicolon or period.

>Popping out of hammerspace
Warning: this will strike some of your readers as being "Meta".

>just out of Twilight's hearing."
Delete that quotation mark.

>mind, and after calling in a few favors, Rarity
Em dashes. I trust that you know where to place them?

>something Rarity was sure she would never have imagined
Awkward. Something Rarity woild never have imagined.

>lovely," Rarity replied, "I
As lovely ends a sentence of dialogue, the punctuation after replied should be a period.

>Rarity's summation of Pinkie's room
Summation is incorrect here. Expectation would be more accurate.

>glassy eyes/bottomless, empty milky purple eyes.
Far too many adjectives for one sentence. Delete some.

>Blue Ocean
You can do better.

>old parchment
>Perhaps it was a new nation,
Not even Rarity is so illogical.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

I had no emotional reaction to your fiction.

This is a problem.

I will however review any further chapters you submit.
>> No. 119894
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119894
>Thanks for all the technicals.
You are welcome.

>Regarding boots
I have no idea, but then I am an ancient alien robot; equine clothing is not something I am well-versed in.
>> No. 119895
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119895
>Thanks for the review.
You are welcome.

>I only need to make the mentioned improvements to the story and not do a complete rewrite of the whole thing?
The fewer improvements you make before you resubmit, the more you will annoy a gigantic robot with an energy cannon for a hand. Make improvements until you find that concept comfortable.

>I won't ask you to review that, unless you'd want to that is.
I am indifferent. If you correctly submit it to my thread, I will evaluate it.

>I'm a lot better than I was a few months ago.
Good. Continue to write and continue to improve.

>I would also like to ask if you might be willing to review future chapters
I will answer this as part of my re-evaluation of Chapter 1.
>> No. 119896
I have no idea what the character's voice is supposed to sound like, so in my head, Shockwave sounds like the Fact Sphere.
>> No. 119899
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119899
>I should probably develop that duality more.
Indeed.

>what could I do to help make the opening scene more of a hook?
As this is less than one chapter, I believe that your concern is excessive.

That said, the reader's curiosity is the core of a narrative hook. Your intention to tone down Fulton's emotional imbalance negates one of the questions I asked, but the other should serve with one change: rather than rodents, have the test subjects be equines.

As this is an Equestrian fiction intended for an Equestrian audience, making Fulton's subjects equines will make readers wonder what the experiments mean for Equestrians. Considering the low survival rate, your readers will likely be quite curious indeed.

I understand that rodents are more traditional and less expensive, but I believe that your fiction can survive the change.
>> No. 119900
>>119896
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIZU_ZLjTIQ
>> No. 120097
Hey there... uh, g-guy? Sir? Evil machine bent on world domination? Whatever. I've never gotten a review from you, or any other living machine, so I figured I'd drop by and see if you can help with my next chapter.

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark
Word count: 4893
Native tongue: English
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lB3PDLYiEmSU8kfph39TB1mfpwHhRme40obxvG-ktKo/edit

Please note that this is also in Golden Vision's queue. Please don't vaporize me if you don't like it.
>> No. 120113
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120113
>>120097
Of the options listed, I prefer "Sir".

Submission acknowledged. Evaluating...
>> No. 120122
>>119891

Thank you for the review, sir. Your suggestions have been implemented, and I appreciate your efforts.

It is as I feared though. This chapter is boring. I have considered options to make more "exciting" such as a distress signal from Mechanon, or the use of In Media Res, but I wonder if I can pull such off.

I have much to think about.

I will send the next chapter for your leisure once I am confident enough to continue. Thank you once again.
>> No. 120129
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120129
>Thank you for the review, sir.
You are welcome.

>It is as I feared though. This chapter is boring. I have considered options to make more "exciting" such as a distress signal from Mechanon, or the use of In Media Res
Good; I am pleased to see that you are eager to improve. I suggest beginning with in medias res.

>but I wonder if I can pull such off.
In medias res is in fact quite simple to use, particularly in "fan" fictions. The only real obstacle facing an author with in medias res is making the reader care about the characters, and in "fan" fiction that is already done for you.

As your readers have a reason to care, all you need to provide is excitement and a "hook".

Look to your fiction's outline—I trust that you have an outline—and choose the most exciting event from the first third of the story.

Write that section. Write it almost exactly as you would if you had traveled there from the beginning. For instance: if Rarity mentions a harpy that the characters encountered earlier, have everyone—including the narrator—treat it as though it is old news. This will contribute to the questions in the reader's mind.

Your in medias res introduction should not be the entire chapter aurrounding the exciting event; it should instead be a brief scene before the event and almost all of the event itself, leaving out the conclusion.

Leave the characters in a questionable situation that poses some danger. The danger does not need to be life-threatening, but it must pique the reader's concern. This is your "hook".

Your current chapter will suffice for readers who adore your premise, but an in medias res opening will attract those who are merely indifferent to it.

Never forget the primary function of a first chapter: to compel your reader to read the rest of the fiction.
>> No. 120163
>>119895

If it’s okay with you I’d like to share an idea had regarding my fic and I’d like to have you opinion on if this is a better idea or not.
From the beginning I didn’t want to use ocs like Sparks, but I needed a way to have Starscream come back with a new body to fight with Dash in the first chapter because I wanted their relationship to start off with a lot of physical fighting. At the time the only way I could think of doing that was by having someone fix Starscream after every fight, but I think I’ve come up with a better solution and I’d like to know if this is a good idea. If this is a better solution then I can remove the ocs and have more room and time for the story to focus on the two main characters, which in my opinion is better.

So the idea is after Shockwave (you) kicked Starscream into the wormhole and he fought RD for the first time he found out that there was still a portal leading to his world in the Everfree Forest. The portal would be smaller and harder to find because it had shrunk after Starscream fell through it. Starscream would take the portal back to his world where he would have a little secret lair or something like that, that would have extra bodies for himself in case he got blown up again. He built these himself and maybe he might have tricked or forced some scientists to make them for him as well. He would have at least enough extra bodies lying around for him and RD to duke it out in chapter one, I only plan to have them fight in pony vs. giant robot battles in chapter one. Starscream can’t go back to the Decepticons because they’re still pissed at him for trying to off Megatron and he defiantly can’t go to the Autobots, so having nowhere else to turn he chooses to continue trying to take revenge on the pony (RD) who made him look a chump. Well, more of a chump.
The portal will remain open until sometime after chapter one when it either closes on its own, or someone like say Celestia finds it and gets rid of it herself.

I just wanted to ask if this was a better idea to have then the ocs. I’d like your opinion on it, I know it may not be fully realized yet but if you agree that this shows more potential then I’ll try to make it whole. I want the main focus of the story to be on Starscream and RD as they try to get along in a situation that has forced them to interact with each other and show how they could possibly go from being enemies to sort of getting along. The ocs just distracted from that because I had to develop backstories for them and all that.
So, any thought would be appreciated. I know this may not be your job here, but I just wanted your opinion.
Either way thanks for your time.
>> No. 120645
Mr. Shockwave, sir. Might I inquire as to the status of my review? My readers... well, reader wants and update. :D
>> No. 120650
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120650
>>120645
I apologise for the delay; the war has kept me busy lately.

I shall complete your evaluation as soon as possible. Ideally, that will be within the next two Equestrian days.
>> No. 120651
>>120650
Hey, brother, I feel ya. Two deployments here. Show those Autobot bastards who's boss!
>> No. 120713
File 134868657611.jpg - (20.54KB , 400x415 , shockwave_prime.jpg )
120713
>mysterious/mysterious
Mysterious is a potent word, and should be treated with respect. Using it twice in the chapter's first paragraph diminishes it.

>Finally, Twilight and Bentgrass stood
Finally implies that the previous paragraph's events led directly to this moment, which that paragraph does not convey. Suggestion: replace finally with now.

>frightening speed. He body
Typo.

>a yellow Earth pony
In this context earth should not be capitalised, as it refers to the Classical element rather than to the Decepticon military objective.

>as he tried to breath.
A breath is what creatures with lungs intake when they breathe.

>"Indeed, professor," he gasped.
As the previous lines dealt entirely with mares, the he is slightly jarring. Using Bentgrass' name here will be clearer.

>who want's to study Scoltland?
Delete the apostrophe.

>me/mah
You must choose one of these as Professor Parchment's substitute for my, and remain consistent.

>as Her Majesties, but
Majesty's.

>Y-you... turned down, a postion in Canterlot?"
An odd reaction from a stallion who had been mocking the same place only seconds before.

>three-thousand year Pre-Banishment!"
Delete the first hyphen, and add an s to year.

>inn, get mahself a flat.
I have never heard flat used as a term for a hotel room, but I admit to a lack of expertise in cultural details.

>eyes brightened and he shook his head,
Nodded would be a superior way to describe this action, as head-shaking usually denotes a negative response.

>crack the wood, but
I suggest replacing the comma with an em dash to create a slightly longer pause, but this is not mandatory.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Mechanical errors aside, I enjoyed this chapter of your fiction. In fact, when I am between missions I shall read the previous chapters for pleasure.

You shall continue this fiction. This is not a request.
>> No. 120716
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120716
You almost made me laugh. Starscream is too short-sighted to keep a stockpile of spare bodies.

As you desire an Original Character-free alternative, I have a suggestion: magic.

Cybertronians such as Starscream and myself possess self-repair systems. These systems are slow and cannot replace certain key components of our bodies—transformation cogs or laser cores, to name two examples—so we commonly rely on assisted reapir.

However, Equestria is a land of magic. Who is to say that the ambient magic of Equestria—perhaps reacting with Starscream's immortal spark—could not enhance Starscream's self-repair system, making it capable of fully restoring him over time? This would allow him to suffer multiple pathetic defeats and keep coming back without outside assistance, and would be far more believable than the notion that he is capable of planning ahead by more than a few decicycles.

Additionally, if that repair enhancement notion turns out to be true, be certain to inform me. Collaborators will be rewarded when Equestria comes under Decepticon rule.
>> No. 120721
>>120716
Thanks I'll keep that in mind Shockwave.
>> No. 120739
>>120713
Thank you so much! Seriously, it makes my day every time a person—or, in this case, a sentient robot bent on world domination—enjoys my story!

As for the mechanical derps, yeah, GDocs mobile sucks.

Again, thank you so much! I now feel this is ready for posting! And don't worry, I will continue this. Every time I get kind words from someone, my motivation skyrockets. Hope you enjoy the whole thing!
>> No. 120762
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120762
Dear Shockwave,

In addition to the first chapter of my fic, would it be possible for you to look over a plot outline? If not, I understand, as I need any help I can get on the actual story as well. However, I'll still include a link to the outline along with the chapter 1 link.

Title: A Heavy Crown

Author: Fullmetal Pony

Tags: Sad, Slice of Life, Romance

Synopsis: I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story.

Word Count: 3873

Native Language: English

Chapter 1Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L-YDdQXu-NGrZZWzXeQU3GT5MeYb3GMjghxTAcDIGmY/edit

Outline link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xEolagJkW5YtVT2cPfqPUukKJonr05BZ9Wi1MwXQoXU/edit

Thank you again for the help.
>> No. 120776
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120776
>>120762
Submission acknowledged. Evaluating...
>> No. 121283
File 134923786882.jpg - (79.79KB , 470x456 , 2.jpg )
121283
>Some things have come up in my offline life, and as a result my reviews have been taking longer and longer—as I'm sure my reviewees have noticed. I can't ask you to tolerate such long waiting periods, so I'm closing my queue.

>After I do FMP's review I'll be closing the thread as well.

>I want to say that I will return once my personal life has settled, but I honestly don't know.

>I would like to thank everybody who has submitted their fictions and put up with my reviews. It has been surprisingly fun working with you all.
>> No. 121954
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121954
>Once again, I apologise for taking so long.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

>To her right lied night, and to her left lied day.
Lay.

>but they both bled into each
Both is superfluous here.

>like the grass and were unmoving
Awkward. Suggestion: like the grass: unmoving.

>However, they were far away—too far to touch. They could only remain in the sky, eternally dividing the land.
Awkward, especially as their distance is normal for a life-sustaining planet. Suggestion: They hung together in the sky, each commanding her own realm.

>This was the first time I ever touched the light though, she thought. Usually, the ground crumbled or the sky cracked before I even got close to it.
This is unrealistic phrasing for a thought, and would be better conveyed by the narrator.

>left cheek; she turned to look
Here we have something very rare: an instance where I do not prefer a semicolon. Suggestion: left cheek, and turned to look. The pacing of the fiction will remain calm, but will not grind to a near-halt.

>Willow always was good about not snoring.
This is unrealistic phrasing for a thought, and would be better conveyed by the narrator.

>watched his form rise and
Form here implies his entire body. Unless levitation is a natural part of a pegasus' sleep cycle, I suggest replacing it with flank or side.

>The thought caused Aria to recall her friends when they had newborns.
When they had had, or—if you prefer a casual narrative voice—when they'd had.

>They always had deep black bags under heavy bloodshot eyes.
They had always, or They'd always.

>Yet, a smile still etched its way onto all their faces while they had nursed their foals.
Smiles had still etched their ways.

>so a walk was out of the question.
So a walk is out of the question.

>This time, her hoof produced a hollow echo when it hit the ground.
What is the function of this sentence?

>No, I didn’t hear any glass breaking, just water hitting the ground.
This is unrealistic phrasing for a thought, and would be better conveyed by the narrator.

>Aria’s muscles contract and
Contracted.

>Aria much now. She was scrunched
I suggest connecting these sentences with an em dash, in order to quicken the scene's pacing.

>She’s a greater entity than Celestia right now!
This is unrealistic phrasing for a thought, and would be better conveyed by the narrator.

>Suddenly, Aria was moved
Delete the comma to quicken the pace.

>right hind leg and then moved her left hind leg too.
Right hind leg, then her left. As a rule, brevity is best.

>Suddenly, the world darkened for a second.
Here, suddenly and its comma are superfluous.

>breeze in there, but Aria
In there is superfluous.

>Aria lied down to get a better view
Lay. Additionally, if she is in the bed already it would be back rather than down.

>The doctor took small, slow, and careful steps over. He puts the bundle
Delete the and; it is not required in this circumstance. Delete the s on puts to avoid a tense error.

>just like Aria’s Out of her
Period after Aria's.

>Yet, he’s not like us, he’s
Delete the first comma and replace the second with a colon.

>I knew what needed to be done. She was just another drone among hundreds.
Tense error, given that the rest of this section has been in present tense.

>shean.
Sheen.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

I have some concerns with your outline.

>Chrysalis has changelings ambush Willow and reveals she’s been feeding off the ambient love around Cadance but is really waiting for when she’ll find her true love
This is extremely illogical from Chrysalis' perspective, as it turns Willow into a threat should he escape. I suggest having this blurted out by a drone, to Chrysalis' irritation.

>Willow manages to knock back the changelings by weaponizing his love, and lands a hit on Chrysalis as well
This conflicts with Chrysalis' shock at the Royal Wedding, which implied that she had never seen lovwe weaponised before. I suggest an alternate means of escape.

>However, before Willow can escape, Chrysalis takes on Aria’s form which stuns Willow long enough for Chrysalis to land a fatal blow on him
This is cliché. Additionally, how does Chrysalis know what Aria looks like?

>Celestia notes that Willow has been gone too late and goes to investigate herself after Cadnace asks where he is at dinner
Celestia is remarkably inattentive if she must be prodded by a foal.

>Cadance’s birthday starts with Cadance looking up at the windows of her room that are too high for her to currently reach and escape out of
She cannot fly at seven years of age?

>Cadance earns her cutie mark by making a true friendship with Armor but doesn’t notice
It is commonly assumed that Cadance's cutie mark pertains to romantic love rather than friendship. You are not violating canon, but there are those who will see this as such.

>The chapter ends with Celestia coming up to Cadance and congratulating her on earning her cutie mark, but Cadance just teleports back to her room in tears
She can teleport, but cannot fly?

>Mr. Flour also brings up his son (Mr. Cake) that lives in Ponyville
Odd that Mr. Cake would have a different last name than his father, unless names descend from the mother in Equestria.

>Armor, in telling where he lives, reveals his name and both he and Cadance finally recognize each other
How does Shining fail to recognise a pink alicorn with a tricolor mane? I suggest you have Cadance run her errands under a magical illusion, revealing herself to Shining and Twilight once she recognises him.

>Armor’s father, at first, doesn’t trust Cadance
Why not?

>After the pizza, Cadance tucks Twilight into bed and tells her the story of the Two Royal Sisters (Celestia’s backstory)
This is a potential point of conflict with the canon: at the begininng of the series, Twilight appeared just as surprised as the rest when Nightmare Moon turned out to be Celestia's sister.

>Cadance, in hysterics, confronts Celestia where Celestia comforts her and tells her immortality is only her and Luna’s burden to bear
Why are only Celestia and Luna immortal?

>Celestia shows up and causes Twilight’s father to pass out
Why? He was at the test when Celestia announced that she would tutor Twilight.

>Chapter ends with a switch to Chrysalis’s point of view with her watching the previous events of the chapter play out.
How?

>She watches as the shield goes up around Canterlot and muses that she’ll have to just brainwash Armor to drop the spell
I suggest having Chrysalis in the city when the shield goes up, as it was designed to keep out non-pony life. Her disguise does not change her species, or else she would not be able to change back.

>Chrysalis finds an injured drone and carries it to a nearby river, determined not to let it die.
Why? I understand that it sets up your ending, but what makes Chrysalis care about a single drone at this point when she has displayed the opposite view earlier?


♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Your fiction shows promise, or rather it will once the mechanical errors are corrected. I find your take on early Equestrian history—in particular, Celestia and Luna's origins—intriguing.
>> No. 121955
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121955
>As I have said, the review above is the last for the foreseeable future. However, I would like to wait on closing this thread until I hear back from FMP—and anybody else with a question, comment, or concern.
>> No. 121961
File 134998277755.png - (76.34KB , 269x241 , Ref 3.png )
121961
>>121955
A shame this thread must close. Your advice thus far has been quite useful to many, myself included. Mr. Shockwave, it has been an honor, and I do hope your leave is not a long one.
>> No. 121989
First off, thanks again for reviewing this. I'm always looking for more help on this story. Don't worry about taking a bit, I've been working on this thing since May. By Celestia I will get this on EQD!

>This time, her hoof produced a hollow echo when it hit the ground.
What is the function of this sentence?

It's in contrast to the way she silently and carefully made her way to the bathroom.

>No, I didn’t hear any glass breaking, just water hitting the ground.
This is unrealistic phrasing for a thought, and would be better conveyed by the narrator.
changed to: Did Willow knock a glass over? Her ears swiveled around a bit, but they hadn’t picked up the sound of shattering glass, only the sound of water falling.


♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

>Willow manages to knock back the changelings by weaponizing his love, and lands a hit on Chrysalis as well
This conflicts with Chrysalis' shock at the Royal Wedding, which implied that she had never seen lovwe weaponised before. I suggest an alternate means of escape.

Chrysalis isn't aware of what hit her, just that it hurts a lot.

>However, before Willow can escape, Chrysalis takes on Aria’s form which stuns Willow long enough for Chrysalis to land a fatal blow on him
This is cliché. Additionally, how does Chrysalis know what Aria looks like?
Feeding off of love could give her access to basic memories


>Cadance’s birthday starts with Cadance looking up at the windows of her room that are too high for her to currently reach and escape out of
She cannot fly at seven years of age?
She can fly, but the height is the main issue. She's not physically incapable of flying, she's just afraid of falling from such a ways up.

>The chapter ends with Celestia coming up to Cadance and congratulating her on earning her cutie mark, but Cadance just teleports back to her room in tears
She can teleport, but cannot fly?
Resolved due to the above explanation. Also, emotional levels in the show have been shown to affect magical capabilities.

>Mr. Flour also brings up his son (Mr. Cake) that lives in Ponyville
Odd that Mr. Cake would have a different last name than his father, unless names descend from the mother in Equestria.

Or that they don't matter at all (ex. Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor)

>Armor, in telling where he lives, reveals his name and both he and Cadance finally recognize each other
How does Shining fail to recognise a pink alicorn with a tricolor mane? I suggest you have Cadance run her errands under a magical illusion, revealing herself to Shining and Twilight once she recognises him.

Gave her a coat to conceal her wings

>Armor’s father, at first, doesn’t trust Cadance
Why not?

Over protective

>After the pizza, Cadance tucks Twilight into bed and tells her the story of the Two Royal Sisters (Celestia’s backstory)
This is a potential point of conflict with the canon: at the begininng of the series, Twilight appeared just as surprised as the rest when Nightmare Moon turned out to be Celestia's sister.

I only said that Cadance read her the story. In-canon, Twilight read it and still didn't know the truth.

>Cadance, in hysterics, confronts Celestia where Celestia comforts her and tells her immortality is only her and Luna’s burden to bear
Why are only Celestia and Luna immortal?

Discord. Will add that to doc

>Celestia shows up and causes Twilight’s father to pass out
Why? He was at the test when Celestia announced that she would tutor Twilight.

The test was at the castle, it's at least a little less of a shock to see the royalty in a place where they live. Having them show up to your house is way more shocking I'd like to think.

>Chapter ends with a switch to Chrysalis’s point of view with her watching the previous events of the chapter play out.
How?

Added that she'd sent changeling scouts into Canterlot

>She watches as the shield goes up around Canterlot and muses that she’ll have to just brainwash Armor to drop the spell
I suggest having Chrysalis in the city when the shield goes up, as it was designed to keep out non-pony life. Her disguise does not change her species, or else she would not be able to change back.

The graveyard is in the city (that's what you were getting at, right? That the graveyard wasn't in the city?)

>Chrysalis finds an injured drone and carries it to a nearby river, determined not to let it die.
Why? I understand that it sets up your ending, but what makes Chrysalis care about a single drone at this point when she has displayed the opposite view earlier?
Added that she doesn't want to be a complete failure to the hive. She cares for the drone more for herself than for its life.
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