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No. 120562
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Okay, FlyingQueeg, let's review your story. This should be fun... Here you go, Casca. Challenge met. But, before we get started, I must make my requisite Captain Tenneal reference. I doubt anyone besides me finds these entertaining, but meh. They don't distract too much, since you don't have to click on them, and I love MXC, so... whatever. http://youtu.be/tQMgPZe0LvE?t=2m24s
First sentence: >The darkness surrounded me, oppressive and smothering. Oh, this is gonna be great.
Okey dokey, I'm gonna start with your mechanics because I'm gonna have a lot to say about them. Shoot, where do I start? I guess I'll just hit each error in chronological order. So let's begin, shall we? Well, your fist sentence, surprisingly, has no errors; it's just clichéd. But—then we get to your next sentence: >I looked down and saw a distant Light glimmering up at me from below, or is that above? I thought, not knowing quite what direction I was facing. Don't be fooled by the question mark—punctuation means nothing here—this, as it stands now, is one sentence. Okay, first off, the random capitalization of light is really annoying. You only do it for the first few “paragraphs” or so, and then never again. I'm not sure if you thought that it some how added depth, or something, but it just seems very... weird. Sure, some fics can get away with capitalizing non-proper nouns, but this? Nuh uh. Next, you switch, mid-sentence, into thought, which thankfully was italicized because it's not always, and then continue it into what is an utterly confusing mess of words. You should have had a full stop after “below” and then started the thought as a new sentence. Like so: […] glimmering up at me from below. Or is that below? I thought, […] While were still on this sentence I want to point out one of your major problems, of which there are many. Show vs. Tell. Now, those two sentence aren't particularly good examples of decent writing, but they do give me a good chance to juxtapose showing and telling. See, in the first sentence, along with her thoughts, we are shown that Syra has so idea whether she's going up or down. Good, you didn't need to tell me that. I was able to infer— >I thought, not knowing quite what direction I was facing. Son of a bitch... The first bit “shows” me through thoughts, and exposition, what the next bit “tells” me. When you're trying to engage your reader you want to do a lot of showing. You want to show them what's happening, what the characters' emotions are, how they react to things being said, or things happening. You know what? Rather than just sitting here reading me trying to explain this to you, why don't you read this: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/ and this: http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=746 These are the same two links I keep passing out like free samples at Costco, but it's because they're great tools. Please, if you do nothing else, just read these. I promise they'll help you.
Moving on.
>I settled in for a long time in the dark. >Nothing had changed other than the Light which had grown exponentially a dark spot appearing in the center. >I then heard the clop of hooves, lots of them, going in the opposite direction of my crumpled body. >I tried to open my darkness adjusted eyes only to be blinded by fluorescent lighting, for it was too bright to be the sun.
Here's a few examples, from the first 200ish words, of one of your most prevalent though, honestly not surprising problems. Awkward. Phrasing. This fic is filled with it. So many lines of dialogue, and exposition, feel so weird that I can't believe a real person cartoon horse would say them. This is always one of the hardest things for me to talk about because I simply don't know what to suggest other than for you read everything aloud, and try your best to fix what sounds odd.
Oh, and from the previous examples: > my darkness adjusted eyes and a couple more examples: >a not so squishy roof >not squishy ground. These are what's called: compound hyphenates. It's when you combine two words into a new word, where the second word is modified by the first. For example: “darkness-adjusted eyes” means that [her] eyes were/are adjusted to darkness. Whereas “darkness adjusted eyes” is ambiguous, and it could mean several things. It's important that you learn when and when not to use compound hyphenates. They are there to eliminate confusion.
Dialogue tagging: >Oh look a tree. I think seeing the dot gain clarity. >then as I flew in a different direction Why was that so squishy? >“Twilight,... I..I think it’s hurt..,” Came another whisper “I think it is too...lets see if I can pick it up, it doesn't look too heavy,” Came a louder and somehow more intellectual, also feminine, voice. >“Wha...? Bu..How? It’s absorbing my magic!” Said the same, smart, voice as before >“I-it’s waking up!” Said the whisper-holic. >“Yes, ponies. What else would we be?” Said the purple one. >“A Human...,” I said looking very confused and slightly scared. >“Sorry Fluttershy...,” She said looking behind her apologetically All right, all right. I think that's plenty of examples for now. You're very inconsistent when it comes to tagging your dialogue. Sometimes you use commas: > it’s hurt..,” Came another and sometimes you don't: > my magic!” Said the same sometimes you even use a period: > look a tree[/i]. I think seeing Here's a quick guide on how to tag dialogue. > “I love you, Twilight,” said the book. Correct > “I love you, Twilight.” said the book. Incorrect > “I love you, Twilight” said the book. Incorrect > “I love you, Twilight” Said the book. Incorrect > “I love you, Twilight,” Said the book. Incorrect > “I love you, Twilight.” Said the book. Incorrect Basically you want to make sure that you put a comma after the last word in quotations, and then you use lowercase for “said”, or whatever variation you want to use. Now, that's not to say that you can't end your dialogue with a period, it just means that you can't then start the next sentence with a dialogue tag, such as “said”. That's because “Said the book.”, from my examples, would be broken attribution. Because it's in a sentence all on it's own, there's no character to attribute the dialogue to. And since I love my links, here's another one for you about dialogue tags and attribution: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
Actually, while I'm on the subject (not really), let's talk about direct addresses. In my examples above I wrote: “I love you, Twilight,” See, there's a comma before “Twilight” because she's being directly addressed by the book. To use an example from your fic: >“Sorry Fluttershy...,” Here, “Fluttershy” should have had a comma before it because she's being directly addressed by Twilight. Now, it's not just commas before the name either, it's commas after as well. Whoever's being addressed should have their name flanked by commas. For example: >Why yes, Trixie, I do think you're the best pony,” I said lovingly while staring into her eyes. See how “Trixie” is surrounded by commas? That's because she's being directly addressed by the speaker, me. Whenever we have something that is surrounded by commas, or em dashes, or parentheses, we call them “parenthetical elements”. These are things that add extra information to a sentence, but are not necessary for it to be a complete sentence. I'll use an example from your fic: >I look around, standing still this time, and notice that there are buildings In this excerpt “standing still this time” would be the parenthetical element. There are several cases where you have these parenthetical elements, but you do not separate them with commas (or em/en dashes). >including the tree I landed on, which judging by what I could see through the window was a library. “judging by what I could see through the window” is a parenthetical element, and thus needs to be placed within commas. I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but I'm guessing it isn't. If it is, I'm sorry, but your grammar is so bad I couldn't be sure. That's why I'm basically giving you the quick and dirty English 101 here.
Introductory Clauses To quote OWL Perdue: >Introductory clauses are dependent clauses that provide background information or "set the stage" for the main part of the sentence, the independent clause. Introductory clauses always have a comma after them as well. For example: >Her horn glowing with blue light, Trixie cast a powerful, “In your face, Twilight!”, spell. See how “Her horn glowing with blue light” is, by itself, an incomplete sentence, and it needs “Trixie cast [...]” to make it complete? I'm not sure how well all these examples I've been giving are really sinking in. You know what? Here's another link. Why not? http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/03/
Oh god! I can see the light! We're nearing the end... of the grammar section... **** Ughhhhhhhhh, this is gonna be another two-parter, huh?
Next, on the (exhaustive) grammar-section list, is: Carriage Returns (aka: Hitting “Enter”) So, you have two characters talking, eh? Awesome, dialogue is very important in character-driven fics, like this one. But wait, what do I do when I switch from one character's dialogue to another's? Well that's easy, my friend. Ya hit “Enter”. Example time: “I'm going to stab you in the face, Twilight,” said Trixie. “Sure you are,” responded Twilight. See, we have two characters talking and when we switch from one to another we always make a new paragraph... always. This keeps dialogue from getting confusing and so jumbled up that you don't know who's speaking, like so: >“Ahhrg!” I yelp and the feeling goes away “I think my magic is hurting it? But all creatures in Equestria are magical,” Here there are two different characters “talking”, however that's unclear for several reasons. One: there's no period after “away”, so it seems like it's part of the same sentence, and two: there's no carriage return. Real quick, while we're looking at this sentence, avoid onomatopoeia like the fucking plague. Rarely is there a reason to use them. Instead, you should strive to portray your character's feelings through their actions, not their yelling.
Co-ordinating Conjunctions Here's a short section on co-ordinating conjunctions. What are they? Well, they're words like, but, and, for, or, so, yet, and nor. Their purpose is to connect, words, phrases, and clauses, and they nearly always have a period before them. For example: >Twilight tried to punch Trixie in the face, but she was too quick. Or: >Twilight decided to go eat dinner at Olive Garden, and she invited Trixie to come with her. Or even: >Trixie hated Twilight with all her guts, yet she found herself strangely attracted to her. Don't ask me why I'm using Twixie examples. I just am. So, now for an example from your fic: >What seemed like hours passed but for all I knew it could have been seconds. Comma before “but” Okay... I'm not going to bother greentexting spelling errors, because frankly I don't care enough about them. Just run your fic through a spell-checker and you should be able to clear most of that up.
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome I always love to see what people come up with for this. I will give you that, you had some LUS that I've never seen before. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, what is it? It's when you get bored with pronouns and decide they're not worth your time, so you use descriptor to refer to characters instead. Unfortunately, this is just plain lazy and the MLP fanfic community more or less has a zero-tolerance policy on it. As soon as someone starts seeing it the fic immediately seems far more amateurish and, in most cases, people are less likely to take it seriously. unless your on FiMfic where no one seems to care Again, here are some of the examples that I find particularly amusing: >Said the whisper-holic. >Said the purple one not very original, and, in fact, more lazy than usual >yells the blob Anyway, go read this: http://eznwords.tumblr.com/post/21010451863/ellyewess it talks about LUS and how to avoid it, and all that good stuff. Ezn, who's a cool dude, wrote it. Just... go read it.
Talking Heads I'm just going to briefly describe this since I'm tired, and I'm sure you are too, of reading greentext. Talking head syndrome is where your characters seem to speak in a vacuum. They don't move or do anything while speaking and thus, become “talking heads”. Go read this: http://www.coloradospringsfictionwritersgroup.org/archive/2002-03_article-talking_head_syndrome.pdf It'll help.
Tense Disagreement You have a lot of this: >I suddenly felt wind start to buffet my face, and sound fill my ears. Should be “filled”. Just... here you go: http://www.ehow.com/about_6503753_verb_tense-agreement.html Also, you switch to present tense quite frequently, and it's quite jarring.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm staring to care less and less, but I am. I feel like writing this is slowly sucking my soul out. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna turn into Belloq from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, by the time I'm done.
Okay, I think that about covers it for grammar. Now we get to the “fun” part... the plot. Please excuse the following section. I was becoming so bored with writing this that I needed to do something to spice it up.
Plot What's that first-mate? “Arr, Cap'n. I be spyin' a tried-n-true story off the portside bow.” Well, do you think it might be salvageable? “Aye, Cap'n, I do. No fic be truly beyond saving in my eyes. Yar, but there be a few problems TheFlyingQueeg needs to be wary of.” Oh? Like what? “It be a long list, aye. But, I'll do me best to list 'em for ye, Cap'n.” Proceed. “Well for one, this Syra lass be a wee bit crass. Arr, the way she be speakin' to her saviors rubs me the wrong way, it does, Cap'n.” How so? “Yar, look at this 'ere example from Queeg's own scrawlin's.” >I’m fine...” I said looking at her sarcastically “And this 'ere too...” >“No, it’s sarcasm, do ponies not have sarcasm?” I can see what you mean. She does seem to be kinda bitchy. Maybe that was the author's intent? “Arr, I be doubtin' that very much, Cap'n, very much indeed.” What makes you say that? >“Oh, I love libraries,” I say smiling and studying all the books that surround me. Oh... Well, then I guess this “Syra” is just being a typical fanfic self-insert character. “Arr, that be my assessment as well, Cap'n.” Okay, well what other problems do you have? “Syra be quite the formidable lass, it seems. A fall from the heavens, and not a scratch on her. Arr, color me impressed, Cap'n. I'll have 'er on me crew any day o' the week.” She does seem to walk away more or less unscathed. Especially after hitting that tree and bouncing to the ground. “Arr, and there be this as well.” >Apparently horses are more common here than cars... strange. She does seem to jump to that conclusion awfully fast. I mean, she falls out of, what is presumably, a portal, and lands in a strange land, then immediately assumes that it's populated by horses. “Yar, as any man worth his salt would do, placed in the same scenario, Cap'n.” I'm not so sure about that... Well, what else? “Well, the serpent Spike, be rather out o' character if ye be askin' me.” >“Get back you meanie!” yells the blob [Spike] True, that doesn't seem like something Spike would say, or do for that matter. “Aye, Cap'n, and he be not the only one.” >“Wha...? Bu..How? It’s absorbing my magic!” Said the same, smart, voice as before. >“I think it is too...lets see if I can pick it up, it doesn't look too heavy,” Hmm, yes, Twilight does seem rather... odd... “Aye, and I've not spoke of the rampant clichés, Cap'n.” You mean how the first two ponies Syra meets are Fluttershy and Twilight? “Aye, the most beloved o' the colorful equines.” I can see how that would feel clichéd. What about the fact that Syra is most likely “special” as well? “Arr, I be seein' hints o' that meself. I be not brave enough to read past the first chapter, but methinks it be coverin' well-worn ground, Cap'n.” I think you're right. “Let's not forget how quickly everyone be acceptin' the situation they be thrust in either.” That's true, Syra doesn't seem particularly concerned that she is now talking to pastel colored horses. “Aye, and despite humans bein' one o' their tales o' the deep there, neither Fluttershy, nor Twilight, be perplexed by the sudden arrival o' a landlubber.” Mhmm, they don't even seem remotely interested to find out how she got there, or why she's not a pony. “Alas, Cap'n, I be thinkin' this tale be a bit short when it be comin' to originality.” Well, what do you suggest the author do? “Me, Cap'n? I thought you were runnin' this vessel?” I'll let you have this one. “It be an honor, Cap'n. I'll do me best to steer this young (I'm guessing ye be young) author in the right direction.” Have at it. “Aye aye. Now see 'ere Queeg, you best be startin' over on this. I be not sayin' that it be a complete waste. No, it just be needin' a bit o' wind in it's sails, if you catch me drift. Give them colorful ponies a bit more o' the characterization, and make that lass Syra be a bit more likeable. She be a harsh mistress yet. Arr, and be careful o' the OOC (Out of Character) and the dreaded Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Aye, with a bit o' lovin' this tale may yet be worthy o' a bit o' adulation.” Well said, first-mate. Well said. “Thank'ee, Cap'n. And on more thing, Queeg. Just because this 'ere review be a bit on the harsh side don't mean ye should stop scrawlin' them fics. This be but a learnin' experience. I sincerely 'ope ye be appreciatin' that it be not personal. May the wind be ever at your back, Queeg. I 'ope to see ye again someday.” Aye, I mean, yes. He's right, Queeg. Just because I was very critical in this review that does not mean that I hate you, or that it's personal. It's just that this fic is so riddled with grammatical errors, and clichés that it's hard for me to find anything to like. I didn't even get to the bit mentioned in the synopsis. The bit about Syra dying for some mysterious probably clichéd reason. Anyway, I wish you luck with your future endeavors and I hope that this doesn't discourage you from continuing to write. Best of luck, alexmagnet
So about that whole “pirate” thing. That probably didn't work, and it probably wasn't even very funny, but oh well. I had fun writing it, so meh. Apologies to Queeg for the stupidly long review.
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