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File 134794007184.jpg - (251.14KB , 1039x1000 , bloom_3_by_evgenia25-d35055i.jpg )
119728 No. 119728
#Event
Hello, everyone.

I'm sure you're all very interested to hear how the write-off website has been coming along. Well, the short answer is, it's time for a test run, so I'm hosting a minific contest to kick start the site.

You can find all the details at http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/

The event starts Sat, 22 Sep 2012 16:00 UTC, where the prompt submissions will open. That round will last for an hour, followed by the prompt voting round which will also last an hour.

The main event—the writing round—will begin Sat, 22 Sep 2012 18:00 UTC, and lasts for 24 hours. The word limit on the stories is 300–600 words. You are allowed multiple submissions.

When the writing round is over, the stories will go up on the »fic Write Off« Fimfiction account as usual, and a public poll will be released to rate the stories. Afterwards, the results will be released & tallied.

FAQ: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/faq
Rules: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1/rules

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them.

Good luck,
Roger out.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 119737
>>119728

Well, I mean,

I don't really have a choice but to enter this.
>> No. 119740
>>119728
Eh, what the hay. Why not? I'll see how many mediocre 500 word fics I can crank out in 24 hours.
>> No. 119741
File 134794205544.jpg - (181.04KB , 1400x875 , 9e2a97bbd56226b66c1e2fb505bb80b2.jpg )
119741
Let's do this.
>> No. 119744
>>119728
I'm starting to worry about you always using Blossom pictures.
>> No. 119748
File 134794307181.gif - (49.03KB , 674x1014 , 2008-11-29-3.gif )
119748
>>119744
>Blossom
>> No. 119749
File 134794318558.gif - (1.10MB , 402x314 , e0c.gif )
119749
>>119748
Derp.

I should've looked at your image file name.
>> No. 119751
File 134794350244.jpg - (98.65KB , 324x565 , FireheadGirl.jpg )
119751
I wanna be an avatarfriend too!
>> No. 119758
File 134794782636.gif - (24.00KB , 650x450 , Jake's O Face.gif )
119758
>300-600 word entries
>Multiple submissions

Mother of God...
>> No. 119768
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes
>> No. 119792
File 134799090771.png - (71.06KB , 267x320 , 39655 - artist alevgor babydoll parody scootaloo.png )
119792
300-600 words?

Even I can manage that in 24 hours. I'll play along.
>> No. 119794
File 134799116271.jpg - (6.37KB , 206x245 , 134403019616.jpg )
119794
Not sure if I'll be free, but if so I'll join in. Otherwise I'll just cheer y'all from the sidelines.
>> No. 119830
After having thoroughly embarrassed myself last round, I'll join again. After all, someone's got to pad the bottom end of the bell curve, right?
>> No. 119953
Also, if something on the site breaks or does something weird, please tell me.
>> No. 119961
>>119953
What if I get a rash while browsing the site? :B
>> No. 119962
>>119961

Consult your physician? Or maybe your ISP?
>> No. 119964
>>119961
That would most likely be due to a virus. Consult Web M.D. for that and get a prescription for an anti-virus.
>> No. 119967
>>119961
See Section IV of the terms of service.
>> No. 120032
Well, all I can say is: I'm in.
>> No. 120048
File 134816776049.jpg - (195.83KB , 1440x900 , 1348003500021.jpg )
120048
Ooh, I am so in.
>> No. 120104
>>120048

This album. YES.
>> No. 120198
Prompt suggestions start in 4 hours.
Writing starts in 6 hours.

Don't forget to participate in the prompt voting round; otherwise we might end up with something that you can't use. Also, now you can't blame my soulless fate-choosing machines.
>> No. 120206
>>120198
Darn, I was hoping you'd just cut us loose for this one. :B
>> No. 120209
File 134832771469.jpg - (8.44KB , 320x240 , _4ey.jpg )
120209
>>120206
Well, that wouldn't be any fun now, would it?
>> No. 120216
>>120209
Yes it would!

I'm going for quantity over quality this time around. :B I've been looking for a reason to write up a bunch of fic ideas that aren't good enough for full stories, and this would let me do just that!
>> No. 120217
>>120214
Nothing special other than that you have to submit them at http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1/prompt/submit

I would suggest making sure your prompts are properly capitalised with title case rules as given by CMoS:

>Capitalize the first and last word, and all other words except for articles, prepositions, and coordinating conjunctions
>> No. 120218
>>120217
I already found the answer on the website and just deleted the post, but thanks. =D
>> No. 120220
Soulless fate-choosing machine is go: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1/prompt/vote
>> No. 120232
File 134833829617.png - (379.92KB , 1219x1296 , bloom_season_5_safari___by_costantstyle-d4siefz.png )
120232
I hope everyone had fun with that. If you couldn't figure it out, the prompt is What Lies Beneath.

Now get cracking.
>> No. 120259
File 134835449729.jpg - (285.41KB , 1366x813 , Fluttershy!.jpg )
120259
Story submitted.
>> No. 120283
>>119728

Oh god dammit I forgot about this.

It's okay, they're just microfics. I'll come up with a couple.

Because they're microfics I suppose nobody will judge me for writing some really stupid ideas just for the sake of entering.
>> No. 120286
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120286
>>120283
> I suppose nobody will judge me
I'll judge you...
>> No. 120292
Submitted my entry.
>> No. 120307
I've got two entries in, both submitted last-minute. I wanted to pull a super-late bender writing more, but I had some bullshit sprung on me for tomorrow morning for reasons out of my control.

Yes, I am angry about that.

Well. Astute readers will definitely be able to tell which ones are mine.
>> No. 120308
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120308
PSA: Emailing me .doc files is doing it wrong.
>> No. 120309
They still need to be formatted for posting on fimfic, right?
>> No. 120311
>>120309
Yeah, tags are the same as on Fimfiction (See http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/faq#Tags).

You can also preview and edit your submissions if you happen to have broken markup or whatever.
>> No. 120312
Oh hey. I entered a write-off.

/prepares flame-shield
>> No. 120315
File 134841166135.jpg - (7.68KB , 228x221 , Doctor.jpg )
120315
Oi, does it feel good to throw caution to the wind and get something written down. I'm proud of what I've got; it'll be interesting to see how it does.

Allons-y.
>> No. 120321
File 134841333702.jpg - (109.62KB , 795x1006 , the_great_and_powerful_trixie_poster_by_red4028-d57v6o2.jpg )
120321
Well, managed to get my submission(s) in . Maybe I can squeeze out a couple more now that we're in the home stretch. I doubt it
>> No. 120325
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120325
>>120308

But what if I give you any of these extensions: .pdf, .docx, .rtf, .xps, .png, .jpg, or a .gif where the letters of my story flash black and yellow?

Also, submitted stories that I regretted writing immediately after writing them.
>> No. 120327
File 134841462324.gif - (269.77KB , 375x375 , 8ff.gif )
120327
>>120325
>or a .gif where the letters of my story flash black and yellow?
Do eet.
>> No. 120335
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120335
>>120292
>> No. 120348
File 134841705871.jpg - (92.84KB , 640x960 , Q7l3R.jpg )
120348
>>120335
And I'll be watching you too, big boy...
Wink
>> No. 120356
>>120348

dat pic
>> No. 120363
File 134842296355.gif - (140.08KB , 384x288 , letsh.gif )
120363
>>120356
>> No. 120368
>>120311

Wait. Tags? I have to use tags? What the hay...
>> No. 120369
I wrote:

Something with a *certain* subject matter.

Something rushed and horrible.

And something that I have a terrible feeling will be hated despite the fact that I worked hard on it and really had to squeeze at to get down to 600
>> No. 120370
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120370
>>120368
I didn't know about them at first, either. I submitted my story with asterisks in place of italics. Good thing there's an edit function.
>> No. 120371
>>120370

Oooohhhhh.

Those kinds of tags.
>> No. 120374
File 134842677407.jpg - (50.67KB , 468x312 , never-underestimate-28015-stupidpeople.jpg )
120374
>>120371
BBCode tags, not tags for genre like here. I thought they were that kind, too.
Dull minds think alike in this case, I suppose.
>> No. 120375
So hold on... we were supposed to submit them with blank author sections (ie. anonymous) right? Because if not... ****
>> No. 120378
>>120375
I'm sure Roger will have them be listed as anonymous for the voting part regardless, or else he wouldn't have included that. I think it just lets you use a name different from your profile's name if you want to attribute it to some pseudonym.
>> No. 120379
Damn, I had a little scene but I fell asleep instead of writing it >.< next time...

Also, I think minific contests would be cool as a regular thing. They're easier to read and crank out.

>>120375
ya dun goofed
>> No. 120380
Anyone who would like me to review their story, please either respond here or by email. If you wrote multiple stories and want them all done, please use email to aid with anonymity, unless you're willing to make a separate post for each.

Here's the catch:

I won't post the reviews until voting is complete. I don't want my opinions influencing anyone else's voting.
>> No. 120381
>>120380
Go for it.
>> No. 120382
>>120380
That would be most appreciated. If you find yourself with the time, please feel free to review it.
>> No. 120383
>>120380
Are you seriously offering minific reviews? With your reputation, I can't wait to see what you think of mine.
>> No. 120384
>>120380
Why not?
>> No. 120386
>>120382
After this guy's politeness I feel like a douche. :L
>> No. 120387
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120387
>>120386
>> No. 120389
File 134842923558.gif - (30.69KB , 650x450 , Blubbering Pansy.gif )
120389
Okay, so, get this guys: last night, at after 4 in the morning, I got the idea to join in on this write-off. I wrote up a story, then decided to write another, and then another. I was pumped over making this stories in so little time and sent them off. Problem was, I didn't send them by the submission form, and by the time I learned of this goof, it was too late. In other words, I sacrificed sleep and pushed myself for ultimately nothing. Funny, right?

Needless to say, this is one of those moments where I'm the only one to blame, and it serves me right for not paying attention or looking around for the exact submission instructions. However, I don't want my efforts to go completely to waste, so for anyone curious, I have here the three stories I tried to submit, all of which was written in under two hours.

http://derpy.me/9wUrM

http://derpy.me/xHQaF

http://derpy.me/IHQvb

I'd like to get feedback/remarks, even though these aren't part of the judging pool. Think of them as disqualified or lost entries. If you don't want to, that's fine. I understand if you'd rather focus on those who actually know how to read instructions.

Anyway, have a nice day and good luck to the entrants!


Also Pas, I'd like it if you made a review of them as well. Again you don't have to since they're not part of the contest, but I'm still open to a formal critique ;)
>> No. 120392
>120380

Sign me up!

uhm, if it wouldn't be too much trouble
>> No. 120394
>>120389
You could have E-mailed Roger directly and asked him for leniency (which, considering the new format, should have been forthcoming with only a slap on the wrist and some textual browbeating). By posting here you've erased any chances you might have had.
>> No. 120397
>>120380

I'd like a Pasco review.

In the interest of earning neutral to positive reviewer karma, I'll be posting summaries of the stories as I see them, in haiku. Look for 'em tomorrow morning-ish.
>> No. 120402
>>120394
Heh, as though I had a chance. But I did speak with him about it, and it was a no go. There was ample time for me to catch the mistake but I didn't for dumb reasons. At least they're out there for all to see ^_^
>> No. 120403
>>120402
Ah, oh well. Better luck next time.
>> No. 120405
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120405
>>120379
Once it's all finished, hosting these events should be as simple as clicking the "Make event" button. Everything automated, just the way I like it.

(Well, except for getting the fics posted to Fimfiction. Knighty needs a multi-file uploader or something, because I really can't be bothered with doing it manually any more.)

I'll probably do minific contests at about the same frequency as the main write-off event. Don't really want to be spamming contests on more than a monthly basis, hehe.
>> No. 120406
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120406
>>120405
You should email Knighty or one of the mods about it. They might be up for it.
>> No. 120407
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120407
>>120405
>Picture relevant
>> No. 120408
Oh man, a whole two hours to read everything? :D This is my kinda writeoff! I'm posting non-anonymously and have written a line or two of comment on all the stories, so you'll not know which is/are mine.

Sounds of Pattering: Kind of the creation of a dark legend there. Interesting.

Dog Days: Feels very incomplete, all things considered. Diamond Dogs were a good idea for

Blue, Green, Purple, Pink: I like the use of the colors in the narrative. A nice little character analysis.

When You Go: I detest serious Spikity, but I appreciate the feeling of time and change in Ponyville here. Ooh, and the ending was a nice, unexpected gutpunch.

Top and Bottom: So dirty. Whoa, wait, I was kidding, I didn't actually think you had meant it that way! What wait oh dear. That was kind of amazing.

Nothing: A neat idea, and Lily Blossom never gets any love, but sadly struck by the word limit. It feels like it needs just a little bit more.

Nemeses: Good internal monologue for Dash, and a nice spin on their friendship.

Noises: When you've got 600 words, you shouldn't be wasting any describing the weather. I knew it was Gummy.

One Day, Before Summer Flight Camp: Green clouds! :D I adore the premise to this story, but there's a lot of formatting issues. Also, it's "Klutzershy".

Canon: Once again getting lost in the musical terms. Never seen a story with Octavia and Derpy interacting. I like the setup.

Alighted: Ah, the dubious honor of shortest shortfic! Neat. This is how you do economical writing. That said, very hard to follow, but I found it satisfying in the end.

Teacher's Pet: D: And I mean that in a good way. Oh my god.

Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly: Oh god. You didn't. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 11/10, would be trolled again.

The Cost of Truth: Huh. I guess this prompt was tailor-made for changeling stories. Nice punch at the end with who it is; the conversation felt a tad long, however.

Wings of an Angel: That went about how I expected. Glad it wasn't a bad ending.

Lyra's Potential: Never seen a single tear in pathetic fallacy before. Good theme in this one, wraps up nicely by the end.

Under the Apple Trees: I think I'm tired of "Ah". A very nice piece otherwise, lots of natural emotion, and the carved initials are a nice touch.

L For...: Too much "her home". This doesn't really give me enough to chew on, sadly.

Darkness: No, Luna, you are the darkness! Sorry. I am not entirely certain what happened here, and became less certain as I read.

Orbiting Underneath the Disc: Discworld crossover, really? Granted, until you get to "nopony", it seems like a straight Discworld fic. Very good, but not pony enough, and I know nothing about Discworld anyway.

Caretaker: Very neat idea, though sadly very end of a certain movie that I don't want to spoil by saying the name of.

That Little Thing: Cute, but man did this need proofreading.

The Song of Secrets: Augh, some of these rhymes! D: An interesting look at Zecora, if nothing else.

Peace Negotiations: There should not be room in this story for this much POV shifting. It's a bit like watching a tennis match. Doesn't have much to do with the prompt that I can see, nor does it really hold my interest.

Returning Cerberus: I like the characterization of Charon and the idea that they know Twilight there. But why is she leading a three-headed dog with a ball of yarn? That wasn't in the episode, was it? This is pretty cute, for what it's worth.

The Call of Carrotulhu: What a concept! It feels very compressed though, like it needs to be twice as long for the idea to work.

Daring Do and the Tomb of Tirek: Yay, Tirek! Cool scene!

The Flight: Um. Okay. I guess I don't have a taste for told histories anymore.

The Reaper's Game: I swear I've seen this before. Yeah, this is a crossover with something, isn't it? I guess that one wasn't original either.

Lasting Impression: Gushnor, 10/10. This is goddamn amazing. He's like the most useless Captain Planet villain ever. Ending was a bit eh, but I love this.

The Gate: Second person? Ew, nothx. Not effective at all, sorry.

Beneath the Surface: Isn't using the prompt as your title cheating somehow? You can't use 'ya' for 'your', not with this accent anyway. Didn't really like this one.

Duality: Doesn't really go anywhere, though the banter is written well.

Lies: Do wish I knew who was talking. The monologue presents an interesting idea, but that's about all there is here.

More Than a Magician: It's LulAmoon. I actually rather like this, for all it suggests.

Existence: This must be a popular theme! I do like the sentiment expressed here, at least.

Top five:
1) Teacher's Pet
2) Lasting Impression
3) Under the Apple Trees
4) When You Go
5) Alighted


>>120389
Also, CoS, I'm a nice guy and felt bad when I heard about that, so I will read yours too, with ratings even!

Missing You: This appears to be another popular theme this time around. I wish there had been some point to the hole, but this isn't bad and I got feels. 7/10

Up and Comer: Augh dat font why. Wait. Oh god, is this another fucking crossover? Why would you write this? D: This is ridiculous, retarded not in the good way. 5/10

Within the Glade: Oh, brilliant! This would be in my top five if it were eligible. 8/10
>> No. 120409
I went for weak rhymes instead of forced rhymes with words that don't fit. Was it that bad? I guess it was.

I also wrote Top and Bottom. I liked how that came out except that it really doesn't have any link to the canon ponies.

The last one I wrote was so disgraceful that I don't want to say which one it was. Suffice to say you hated on it and it deserved it.
>> No. 120412
File 134843679903.jpg - (8.51KB , 240x225 , Fukken Saved.jpg )
120412
>>120407
>> No. 120417
Gotta say, I'm actually kinda surprised with myself on this one. It was easily the fic I was most proud of out of the couple that I wrote.

Also the author of "More Than a Magician". I always forget that it's LulAmoon. I don't think I've ever gotten it right the first time. Eh, whatever. I was reasonably happy with this one as well. First one I wrote too.
>> No. 120428
File 134843953734.gif - (759.49KB , 320x180 , Scootaloo headbang.gif )
120428
I don't believe it. I just read through my story again, and there was another couple of lines I had wanted to add, and forgotten about. Fancy that. Hope it's still good on three cylinders.
>> No. 120432
>>120408
>>120397
Wait... can we post short reviews of the stories? Oh man, I've got an idea if we can.
>> No. 120434
>>120380
Ah yes, I would very much appreciate a review, thank you!
>> No. 120436
>>120380
Hey sure, that would be awesome! Please and thankyou :)

>>120408
Yeah, it definitely needed more than 600 words :( Thankyou for reviewing!
>> No. 120440
File 134844659191.jpg - (138.52KB , 1280x761 , spoiler.jpg )
120440
>>120408
Spoilered for plot points.

>No, Luna, you are the darkness! Sorry. I am not entirely certain what happened here, and became less certain as I read.

You're halfway there. Try:
>No, Luna, you are the Nightmare

It's essentially the moment in time where Luna became Nightmare Moon via possession. I tried to be vague about what exactly happened because I loathe just outright stating things. It would appear as if my bush-beating bit me in the butt once again.
>> No. 120442
>reads rest of the thread
Pascoite is handing out free reviews, eh? Why not? I'll toss my hat into that ring lion's den. I only really want a review of Under the Apples Trees fortunately. The other fics are kinda not that great crap, so this is the only one I care to see what Pascoite thinks of it.

Thanks for doing this. I, and everyone else I'm sure, appreciate it.
>> No. 120445
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120445
>>120443
Jesus... that nipple's gonna give me nightmares for weeks. It's just sitting there... ughhhhh.
Dat cutie mark—fuckin' class
>text
ruining spoilers always makes me chuckle.
>> No. 120458
>>120408
Pretty much spot on, for the ones I wrote. Fairly obvious I had no idea what I was doing. Didn't even see the CitW reference until long after it was done. Feel kinda dumb about that now, in retrospect.
>> No. 120468
Heyo, folks. Haven't been writing much prose lately, but I just had to drop by. I've been playing with the preliminary distribution problem.

NERDING
The "Cutting Ties" data now converges to a standard deviation of 420 words in under five minutes*. I gave up on Perl for now - it's rapid-prototyped in Scala - but at least I know my algo's solid.

(* Phenom II x4 3.2 GHz, concurrent code)

Algorithm:

Layer 1 - Pick a random fic from the busiest reader and reassign it at random.

Layer 2 - Start with a good configuration. Do layer 1 repeatedly a random number of times (geometric distribution) and keep the best new configuration.

Layer 3 - Keep track of the 500 best unique configurations.

Sort of a combined genetic / tunneling thing. The current implementation uses actor concurrency with start topo; I think ring will load-balance better.

GNIDERN
>> No. 120469
>>120468
Er, my algorithm gets the standard deviation of the Cutting Ties data down to 100 in about 10 seconds on a 1.6GHz atom. You're gonna have to get better numbers than 5 minutes on a machine that's 10 times as powerful.
>> No. 120470
>>120469
Ouch. I needed a bit of a smack.

So, pick the busiest and the least busy, decrease the concurrency by one thread, and...
147.0 in 10s
8.6 in 30
3.2 in 90
3.7 in 300 (stuck in a local minimum)
>> No. 120471
>>120440

And then Luna was the nightmares.
>> No. 120474
Left short, slightly flippant comments on everything on FIMFic. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/53003/What-Lies-Beneath

Top Five:
1. The Call of Carrothulhu
2. When You Go
3. Teacher's Pet
4. The Song of Secrets
5. Darkness


But it was close. I liked a bunch of the others too.
>> No. 120482
>>120474
In reply to your comment of fimfic; sorry for the boring, pointless melodrama.


>>120408
I don't think it's cheating.
>> No. 120485
>120474

>probably the most risque piece we've had in a write-off

Mission accomplished.

As I said: If I were to re-do this, I'd make it a poni soap opera instead of... well... a soap opera. The story as it stands is one of those where there are no reason for the characters to be ponies.

The whole point of the fic was because that struck me as a fun use of the prompt.
>> No. 120489
>>120482
I meant that flippantly, not insinuating anything. :)

>>120440
I just couldn't be sure if it was the initial infection, if you will, or something new happening.
>> No. 120495
Alright, read them all.

Top five (not in any order):
Darkness
When You Go
The Song of Secrets
Returning Cerberus
Blue, Green, Purple, Pink
>> No. 120502
>>120489
I know, but a lack of facial expressions restricts me from conveying that. :P
>> No. 120518
>>120495
>>120474
>Two top fives
Phew. After Present's mini-review, I thought I'd made another flop.
>> No. 120521
>>120520

>cutie mark

That's borderline tasteless.
>> No. 120525
>>120380

If your eyes aren't bleeding, could you do mine too?
>> No. 120529
>>120521
Fine, fine.
>> No. 120540
Might I make a suggestion, Roger? Have the voting page story list link to their respective works, that way I don't have to keep two lists open while voting (yes, it is exceptionally nit-picky, but I felt like mentioning it anyways). I'm not sure if you would have to individually link them or if there's a script for that, but if it's the former than I can see why you wouldn't bother hyperlinking each and every story there.
>> No. 120558
>>120380
haldo tber yu are encasions' mots ki ned

wuld resqeustig viewview of hmye stotryy eff oyu aer thabkyu
>> No. 120561
File 134852866652.gif - (932.57KB , 350x239 , 7402d87fb53dbe768b0d7ade7ccdac1a.gif )
120561
>>120558
>> No. 120593
File 134855104078.jpg - (146.56KB , 636x460 , sdfg.jpg )
120593
Another suggestion, if I might be so bold. A way to save your votes if you can't do all of them at the same time but haven't finished enough to submit your votes. I'm making do by leaving a number beside each of my mini-reviews, but this would be a nice, convenient function.
>> No. 120610
>>120593
That would be a great addition, I think.
>> No. 120632
File 134860943628.jpg - (14.44KB , 320x240 , _3ee.jpg )
120632
>>120540
>>120593
>>120610
Suer thing. Implementing either of those things shouldn't be very difficult.

However I've spent most of the day working on a variety of managerial things (i.e., stuff you won't really see), and now I'm gonna take a nap. Heh. I'll get it done tomorrow.

Quick reminder to everyone that with currently so few votes, your vote could make a big difference to the results! The whole set of stories only amounts to 20,000 words, so it shouldn't take long to get through.

Lala, that's my spiel. Time for a nap.
>> No. 120634
File 134861029497.jpg - (23.91KB , 500x366 , captionsfunny5.jpg )
120634
>>120632
The list randomizes itself, right? To keep people from only reviewing the top half and such.

I'm about a third of the way through with five days left. I should be able to easily finish voting on every story and have a mini-review for them by then.

>>120540
I've noticed that the stories have links to their neighbours on each page. Convenient and pretty much renders this request null, but hey, if it's easy to do then be my guest.
>> No. 120647
>>120380

I'd like a review. Everything helps.

I'm kind of surprised people seem to be enjoying it. I knew the premise was a bit over done, but it was the strongest idea that came to me.
>> No. 120649
So mysterious!
His cutie mark is JUSTICE.
But his plot is weak.
You wrote this really, really cool stuff about this character but didn't really give him a direction. He gets back at the person who wronged him in the middle of the fic, and at the end he just wraps up the idea of him being this dark anti-hero or mysterious presence or whatever.

Competent villains
Do not do anything fun
If it's the same stuff.
This one catches what I want to say pretty well, actually.

Woo immortal blues!
The theme of mane and colors
Needs a heavy hand.
Couldn't quite get the meaning here. I'm saying that the metaphor, if there is one, didn't come through for me. You should be heavy-handed about it if you're going to bring out the theme of the colors with such a loud "thunk." Unrelated: A serious look at Trollestia is kind of an interesting idea.

Dawwwwwwwwww.
...wait okay hold on a sec
Is someone leaving?
SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, SADS ABOUT SPIKE'S LIFETIME. I like the idea of letting things go, but you didn't transition it at all.

This is one of mine.
I don't regret a damn thing.
Except the ponies.
I wrote this because of the way it uses the prompt. Also because I wanted to push boundaries. If I had to pick one disappointment with myself here, it's the fact that this kind of has ponies in name only.

oh mother FUCKER
Screw you for how good this is
I wanted Surprise ):
I was all excited to see that you were writing about Surprise. Then I got to the ending, and it was awesome, and it wasn't about Surprise. Wait hold on does this mean Surprise is half changeling?

A well-played Dashie
With a link to show-canon
And then they all fucked
This is a cute, simple idea. I feel like maybe you were trying to convey some meaning with the whole "nemesis" idea, but all I got out of it was this cute little scene about the friendship between AJ and Dash that we saw in that episode. I half expected this to be shipping at the end. If it were me, I'd probably have done the shipping, because that would be a fun way to use the idea of "nemesis" being a positive thing after all.

This fic's use of prompt
Would be fun (if obvious)
if it would waste less ti--
You didn't have time to talk up the noises as being scary. You did manage to show the girls' extreme reaction, I guess. Oh yeah, and Twilight's mane isn't gleeful. Nitpick, but it bugs me.

Innocent young foals
Perplexingly ignorant
Of their own planet
I'm not buying pegasi not believing that the ground is real. The cloud cities do entertain visitors, after all, and there are plenty of pegasi living in Ponyville. That said, there's a fun off-camera aspect to this that I like. If the ground is seen as a myth, that makes Fluttershy's experience right after this fic ends even more special.
>> No. 120657
>>120649
>>120408
>This fic's use of prompt
Would be fun (if obvious)
if it would waste less ti--
>When you've got 600 words, you shouldn't be wasting any describing the weather.
Truer words were never spoken...

Ugh, I kind of regret even submitting this story. It was easily the weakest of the few that I wrote, and it (probably) didn't even turn out remotely funny. This was when I was nearing the end of the contest and I felt like I needed to squeeze out one more fic (not exactly an excuse, merely a reason as to why it's crap). So bad...

Author of "Under the Apples Trees" and "More Than a Magician" as well, to those interested (ie. no one).

I also wrote two others, but I won't name them because they're kinda crap. Bonus points if you can guess what they are.
>> No. 120673
>>120380
I've finished reviews of the 18 fics that requested one. Any more takers, let me know.

I'll be blasting through reading the leftovers on Friday so I can vote, so please speak up by Thursday at the latest.
>> No. 120674
File 134863465627.jpg - (43.28KB , 385x448 , 1322367258921.jpg )
120674
Got half of them done. Figured I'd dump my reviews so far in here. More to come soon (hopefully).

Sound of Pattering - Interesting idea. The similes and metaphors were quite nice. The main character felt a little Villain Stu-ish, though, and I also noticed some word choice repetition (which is utterly meaningless to just about every reader but annoys me for some reason, so pay it no mind). The “neigh” instead of “nigh” irked me for the poor pun-play, so accept this slap on the head with a rolled-up newspaper.

Dog Days – A little dark. The writing wasn’t anything, to, well, write home about I didn’t get the “Diamond Dog” feel from it and the story being two big paragraphs didn’t quite sit well with me.

Blue, Green, Purple, Pink – An enjoyable looking into the mind of Celestia. The writing was solid, beyond a single missing comma (birth, life, love death) and moved along at a brisk pace, touching lightly on four interesting points (with Green standing out as the most engaging to me). It seems to be running a bit fast and loose with the prompt, but one can say that the turmoil underneath her mask fits it and the prompt is very general anyways, so whatever.

When You Go – A bittersweet short. I felt something catch while reading it, but that was just my pant’s fly. The writing was solid but it didn’t do a whole lot for me. Never been one for the sads, though.

Top and Bottom – Never been one for shipping, either. If it was supposed to be funny, it didn’t really work.

Nothing – A changling romance, eh? Interesting. I liked the self-devouring idea for what happens when they feed off of their own love. Vanity is punished most severely. Also, so much smelling.

Nemeses – I noticed that you spelt nemeses/nemesis both ways. The attachment to the prompt was weak at best; I can’t help but feel like this was written beforehand and then tweaked for that “underneath” bit to qualify. The story wasn’t particularly interesting, either, something I’ll forget right about… now.

Noises – That was boring. Also, Pinkie doesn’t get scared by things that go bump in the sink cabinet, so the plot point that your story hinges on is OOC.

One Day, Before Summer Flight Camp – This title makes me think it should have counted towards your total word count. You seem to have some sort of formatting error for the sixth paragraph, as well as others. Unrefined and dull. Seems like you whipped this up in the 23rd hour and didn’t get the chance to edit.

Canon – I don’t know what half of those words mean ^_^. I guess that’s why they’re italicized. Speaking of stuff being italicized, the internal bits were lacking a way to denote them being personal thoughts. A good distraction, although it wasn’t amazing.

Alighted – The prose was fairly evocative, although it mostly just made swirls of unidentifiable origin for me. An interesting display but it lacked focus.

Teacher’s Pet – More of teh sads. I found it rather telly, although the bit with Cheerilee watching the class do their work was good.

Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly in JaAm Adventures – Da fuq.

The Cost of Truth – Bon Bon is a changling. There’s already a full story for this (Mendacity, I think it’s called). Ehh, the story was neither here nor there in terms of enjoyment.

Wings of an Angel – Some mighty awkward writing in this one. Overall, meh.

Lyra’s Potential – And yet more sad.

Under the Apple Trees – Why can’t I hold all these sad fics. At least it was written well.

L for… – Why is it that everyone thinks the prompt is good fodder for sad fics?

Darkness – Some light horror. Considering the prompt, I was expecting more work along these lines. I enjoyed the ye olde dialogue but you weren’t able to instill a feeling of dread.
>> No. 120675
>>120673
Sign me up then. Always good for a blasting.
>> No. 120688
File 134865211667.jpg - (14.42KB , 320x240 , _0op.jpg )
120688
You can save your votes now.

Just a warning, though: They're stored in session data. If you go on a different computer, you'll lose them.
>> No. 120689
>>120649
Here you are:

The section prior to naming each color is about what the color represents. Believe me when I say, this was entirely unplanned.

Blue: clear skies

Green: jealousy

Purple: twilight

Pink: sunrise

You can probably figure out what each of those weather patterns signifies.


>>120674
It is with heavy heart that I admit the very tenuous link between this story and the prompt. Simply put, Celestia's vision lies beneath her mane and it has been driving her crazy over the centuries. A very flippant starting point for a more serious story. Mea culpa.
>> No. 120809
File 134878632033.png - (330.06KB , 960x786 , 70's pinkamena.png )
120809
>>120689
>It is with heavy heart that I admit the very tenuous link between this story and the prompt.
Wait, what? Don't sell yourself short. I thought you had an excellent tie to the prompt. It's about the figurative sense of the expression; what lies beneath that sunny face she wears all day. Have faith in your own work.

>>120688
You know, Roger, it occurred to me that since you linked the stories to everypony’s account, you could probably also code it so that they physically *can’t* vote on their own story. I don’t know how capable of that you are, but it’s a thought for the future.
>> No. 120821
>>120809
Well, I do suppose that my intentions are not nearly as important as what's been interpreted. Thank you for the encouragement, it's much appreciated.
>> No. 120839
File 134880595650.jpg - (184.76KB , 1600x948 , lion_and_mouse_by_vombavr-d5g2ouq.jpg )
120839
Submitted my votes. Here's the second half of my reviews.
Are all entrants required to vote? I could have sworn I saw something saying that if you didn't vote your story couldn't win.

Orbiting Underneath the Disk – In case you haven’t noticed, I made sure “the” was in the proper case for the title. Moving on, the first thing I thought of when I saw it was “Discworld”, so it’s nice to see my assumption was correct. Certainly has that “Pratchett” feel. It’d be interesting to see how you would hold up under a longer word count, but that’s best saved for another time. A minor tense error with “means” instead of “meant”. And around we go again. Not incredible, but a nice change of pace and well-written to boot.

Caretaker – Well, that was cool. I would question the T-Rex and archeologist comparison, if just because I think something like an ancient dragon would have been a more apt comparison. Is it just me that envisioned the “caretaker” was Starswirl the Bearded?

That Little Thing – A nice little short that, thankfully, went from the sadz to something a bit more cheery. Alas, there were several obvious mistakes in it. Be a bit more thorough next time. Also, learn to title.

The Song of Secrets – A ˅ ˄ A ˅ ˄. If you know what I’m referring to, give yourself a cookie, but I digress. The first rhyme falls flat (you rhyme “in” with “in”). “Ancient” and “Bent” also don’t work, among others. Still, I suppose leniency must be given for how difficult of a character she is to write. An interesting idea that needed a little more time in the slow-cooker.

Peace Negotiations – A solid slice of drama. I’m left to wonder whether this is before or after Luna’s banishment.

Returning Cerberus – Spotted a formatting error and some strange wording in the second-to-last paragraph. Having Twilight and Hades on first-name was an interesting idea, one that left me pondering as to why they would be.

The Call of Carrothulhu – Heh, that was fun. Good show, old chap. Derpy added a nice contrast to the horror (which, admittedly, didn’t affect me, although I don’t think you were aiming for outright terror anyways).

Daring Do and the Tomb of Tirek – Dun dun dunnnn. Don’t have much to add other than bitch about using “musty” to describe the air twice.

The Flight – Quite dark. Competently written, but it wasn’t particularly interesting for me. The attachment to the prompt was extremely tenuous, almost an afterthought. I’m not sure if I can even say it was related to the prompt.

The Reaper’s Game – Ahh, reference to “The World Ends with You”, eh? Well, as far as games go, it’s a good one. Interesting choice for the entrance price, but it’s not the first time I’ve seen that idea used. I suppose the writing was decent, but you didn’t make me really care for it in the end.

Lasting Impression – Made me chuckle. Pity you ruined it with the dream ending. Then again, I did something similar in an earlier competition, so I guess I can hardly take the high ground on that count. I noticed several errors in the story, so it’s leaving more of a passing impression.

The Gate – Interesting to see a second-person story. Alas, the use of said viewpoint did not succeed in giving me the creeps, heebie jeebies, jitters, shakes or spine-tickles. Not a whole lot else that demands my commenting.

Beneath the Surface – Hurk, next time double-space your paragraphs. Was the title supposed to be your reasoning for it following the prompt? At the very least you could have made passing mention of their parents being “under the earth” or something in the actual story. Beyond that, it was solid and you managed to capture their accents well.

Duality – First thing I thought of was Disturbed due to the title. I don’t even like Disturbed. Anyways, I’m not quite sure what’s happening. A convening of the league of idiot-ball holders, I guess, discussing how to take down the main six. Something about Twilight being hinted at (my best guess is that she’s a changling or that she’s going to be replaced by one?). It’s written well enough, I guess, but I don’t quite know where it was going.

Lies – Like Cupcakes, but with a more measured and dangerously sane Pinkie. Forgot to put an extra space between two paragraphs but it was otherwise clean of mistakes. Good show. Didn’t scare me, mind you, but I’m sure anyone that’s read through these reviews knows that by now.

More than a Magician – Ehh, not really feeling it. The writing was fine if uninspired. Almost thought it was going to be a clop before it became a snuff.

Existence – You’re a little overshadowed by Blue, Green, Purple, Pink, but this was a good story in and of itself. A little too melodramatic, perhaps, but whatever.
>> No. 120841
File 134880647765.jpg - (36.69KB , 440x362 , 217795.jpg )
120841
>>120809
It already does that.

To make it a little more obvious, I changed the template to skip displaying your own stories in the vote table.
>> No. 120842
File 134880716484.jpg - (37.95KB , 800x659 , 26904 - Raven Starfire Teen_Titans cosplay fluttershy twilight_sparkle.jpg )
120842
>>120839
>competently written
That's all I needed to hear. I've never tried writing a story backwards before, so I was worried about how it would turn out. And the tenuous prompt thing, yeah, I had a few more lines I had meant to write in that would have made that clearer, but I got lost in writing the events in reverse, and forgot about them.
>> No. 120843
File 134880800008.jpg - (123.97KB , 755x878 , 1297631718331.jpg )
120843
>>120842
>Posts Teen Titans
>Specifically Raven
Gonna say you're Minjask.
>> No. 120846
File 134880850484.png - (591.63KB , 474x750 , tumblr_m7115gwq0H1qfxy2zo1_500.png )
120846
>>120842
It was written backwards? Do you mean the first paragraph happened before the last chronologically (as in The Liar http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10997/The-Liar ) or that you actually wrote it backwards but it's supposed to be read the normal way?

If it's the former than I am missing something.
>> No. 120847
File 134880932325.png - (118.56KB , 324x285 , flutteryay.png )
120847
>>120846
well, the final paragraph cuts away from the rest of it, but other than that... the former. I wrote it chronologically backwards.

>>120843
I ain't saying nothing. Have another Fluttershy pic
>> No. 120848
File 134881078108.png - (89.41KB , 311x383 , tumblr_lpuicngHOb1qga9xco1_400.png )
120848
>>120847
>rereads
Oh, well, yes. So it is backwards. It's a very natural-feeling backwards, though, so when you explicitly said that it was backwards I thought I'd missed something more esoteric, because I really hadn't noticed anything odd about the chronology the first time around. Derp.
>> No. 120858
>>120839
Gotta admit, I misread the formatting instructions and thought there would be line spacing after each paragraph. Anyhow, the story's supposed to relate to the prompt in a metaphorical way, as in 'what lies under the surface of a seemingly run of the mill argument?' And also, thanks.
>> No. 120860
>>119728
C'mon guys. 7 votes isn't quite enough for a contest like this.
>> No. 120865
File 134884112839.jpg - (18.90KB , 163x257 , soon.jpg )
120865
Fic gallery: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1-What-Lies-Beneath/fic/gallery
FIMFic anthology: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/53003/What-Lies-Beneath
Voting: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1-What-Lies-Beneath/vote/public

COMMENTS AND VOTES APPRECIATED

The total wordcount is just under 20k, and you only need to read half the submissions (so roughly 10k words) to vote.
>> No. 120869
>>120865
When does voting close?
>> No. 120870
>>120869
The 30th. You can find the exact time on the website.
>> No. 120887
I do want to address the consistent remark I'm getting, because I knew it would happen—namely that I'm using too much jargon.

Here's why I did it:

1) It was fun to write, so for a minimal time investment, why not? And as PresentPerfect pointed out, it's unusual to see these characters interact.
2) This wasn't my serious entry.
3) In the end, it doesn't matter whether the reader understands it or not, because the meaning itself isn't important. I just want the reader to get the sense that Octavia is an expert, then be surprised by the revelation that Derpy is as well. That's evident even if the reader doesn't know those terms, but it's more genuine than just assuring the reader that it's so.
4) Finally, I wanted to demonstrate that overdoing technical accuracy can hurt a story's accessibility, limiting its appeal to a small audience and making it come across as the author's indulgence in showing off. I've seen a number of writers do this, and they're playing with fire (see OP pic).

Particularly for that third point, I do really intend to tone it down when I revise this into a longer fic later on. A little goes a long way.

As a final note, the title actually refers to a musical style, where a theme is passed to different voices. Thus, the demonstration of musical knowledge is passed from Octavia to Derpy.

I have to say that the average quality of stories is up from the last minific event I remember in July. Well done, everyone!
>> No. 120912
>>120887
>>120887
Thoughts.

I completely agree that the technical terms are not important to the meaning.

That said, you could have compromised and used highly technical terms while staying mostly accessible, but apparently you wanted to sacrifice the quality of your work in order to make a point.

As for the technical term that serves as a metaphor for the ending?

That is criminally wasteful. You've lost a lot of meaning that way.
>> No. 121005
File 134898004923.png - (168.47KB , 1000x1000 , 132672748496s.png )
121005
I have finished the first half of the stories finally, and have written scored reviews for them. Below are listed my top five stories so far, as well as this link to my review document. There's even a table of contents for convenience.

Darkness: 200/200
Delicious. At last, somepony can emulate the very emotion I have striven to find in writing for most of my time here, and quite competently so. You will receive a high rating, but let it be known that this has nothing to do with my adoration for the nature of this little piece.
Canon: 200/200
I was confused until Derpy started talking. Top score.
When You Go: 199/200
Bloody brilliant.
Blue, Green, Purple, Pink: 198/200
Excellent concept, I honestly loved it.
One Day Before Summer Flight Camp: 188/200
I gotta hand it to you, this was pretty… Awesome /)*3*(

Link to reviews: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-4Y9bBIYFVapuDvzQwB6sol2UqC6hrmUTScfUld1Juw/edit#
>> No. 121025
>>121005
I think you should have spoilered the reviews since your numbers could sway other voters. Granted, chances are anyone that hasn't voted isn't going to vote before closing, so I suppose it's a null point.
>> No. 121027
>>121005
Glad to know you enjoyed it. I noticed you commended me on playing the prompt straight; did you happen to notice the subversion of it at the end as well?
>> No. 121028
I would like to very sincerely apologize for not voting. Apart from legitimately disruptive shit happening in my life, I've been swallowed by my own personal diversions. I have read the stories, and if I can get my shit together in time, I'll vote now.

I'm pretty this post contains enough hints for everypony to figure out exactly who I am.

For what it's worth, here are my top picks, in order:

Returning Cerberus
The Call of Carrothulhu
Darkness
Teacher's Pet

Comments/reviews that I want to let out:

Orbiting Under the Disc was really well written. Too bad it didn't have a thing to do with ponies.

Alighted seems like something I would blast out in a stream-of-consciousness if I had no desire to go back and edit it to be accessible, enjoyable, and cohesive. I respect the writing. I could not enjoy it because I was waiting for it to build to a super-solid resolution and it only sort of did one.

The L word--uh I mean "L For" gives the reader NO way of figuring out what the actual conflict is.

Something that goes as balls-out on trolling as Hugh Jelly's Adventures goes beyond clever and into realm of "an excuse for not trying." Author, whoever you are, you're better than this.

The Gate is a cool idea, it's decently written despite 2nd person being obnoxious, and I even respect the idea of giving a background pony's POV on the M6's adventures, but this isn't a story, it's the stinger in the beginning of a story. It goes nowhere, just says "A story started! ...Yay!'

Ezn and Filler are often too harsh. Very few fics in this contest straight-out sucked. I certainly think this is true when it comes to Duality. It might not have been pony but it was clever.

I left a comment on More Than a Magician that I rather want addressed.

Top and Bottom was just the first joke that came to mind based on the prompt. It was just supposed to be a simple set-up and resolution that uses the prompt in a funny and clever way, but unfortunately it came out as me actually trying to do drama.

Song of Secrets was my serious entry. Originally, I wanted Zecora to look at the crossbow mounted on her wall or something because it would amuse me to end on the note "Zecora's secretly a badass!" I decided to do weak rhymes instead of awkward, forced words... I'm not good at rhymes. I think the rhythm worked out though?

Peace Negotiations got blasted out at the last minute because I wanted to enter another one. I'm ashamed of it, but people seem to think it's not total shit...
>> No. 121029
>>121028

Forgot a couple.

Nothing and Nemeses should register somewhere on my top list, edging out Teacher's Pet which I forget why I even put that there.
>> No. 121031
>>121029

Last thing: Lasting Impression was fantastic.

Too bad I don't get the reference.
>> No. 121032
>>121027
I suspected there was a second meaning, but rather than state it out loud, I just gave you the points. It was out enough in the open that I figured it went without saying.
>> No. 121034
File 134899661323.jpg - (23.87KB , 224x209 , 00000984.jpg )
121034
>>121028
>Ezn and Filler are often too harsh.
Eh, guilty as charged. I kinda write the first thing that comes to mind in my comments. And I'll admit a prejudice against pony fanfics that aren't pony enough. It's important to me that ponyfics benefit from being somehow related to the show instead of just being regular stories with characters who have hooves.

>>121031
>Last thing: Lasting Impression was fantastic.

>Too bad I don't get the reference.
To paraphrase NickNack: it would be okay to use "Celestia's sun" and "Luna's moon" if you also honoured the god of the sewers, Gushnor, by calling a pony's excrements "Gushnor's shit" whenever they bathroomed.
>> No. 121036
File 134899963892.jpg - (78.30KB , 426x960 , 580402_321962221202710_100001668044505_844072_367920639_n.jpg )
121036
>>121028
>Everypony that reads my story hates it
Yeah, I guess I knew that was coming. I probably should have had somepony hear a faint roar right at the end, to give it the creepypasta feel I was going for, but I wanted to focus on my other submission(s)
>> No. 121040
File 134900265977.png - (70.15KB , 600x553 , EvilSpike-moostach.png )
121040
>>121028
The fact that you posted your FimFic comment right after you made this post is pretty much a dead giveaway there.

Also, Filler?
>> No. 121047
I don't know why I thought that ending would be a good idea. Something to the tune of "Oh man, 100 words left. Better do something stupid!" must have gone down. Hahaha. Oh well.

A cookie for whoever pieces together who Gushnor's androgynous little slave pony is supposed to be.
>> No. 121050
>>121040

Dammit I didn't even realize I did that.

Pity. Cheats people of the mystery of figuring out who I am based on my writing voice and which fics I wrote.
>> No. 121051
File 134900716994.jpg - (53.99KB , 500x500 , spoiler.jpg )
121051
>>121050
If it's any consolation, I had a strong suspicion that "Top and Bottom" was your doing.
>> No. 121053
>>121051
If you frequented the IRC long enough, you don't even need to be suspicious. Only one author would write such.

That said, I wouldn't have figured the Song of Secrets as yours.
>> No. 121055
>>121040

Oh damn.

It wasn't Duality that I thought Ezn and Grif were too harsh on.

It was Lies. I really liked Lies. It was clever.

Duality sucked.
>> No. 121057
File 134900852306.jpg - (32.31KB , 308x269 , stories.jpg )
121057
>>121047
My guess: Vimbert... he's actually in a lot of fics.

While I'm here, a little more about some of the fics, now that I've had time to think about them:

Lyra's Potential -- This could be part of a very interesting larger piece. There are hints of deep characterisation here, and I think rebellious highschool Lyra deserves better than this well-worn, played-straight "teacher tells troubled student to not waste their potential" bit. Keep that, but make it part of something bigger and give it nuances.

Duality -- I didn't dislike this one. As far as "being not pony goes", you're not much of an offender at all. There's room for this interpretation, and I'm sure you could come up with ripping conspiracy theories linking our three villains together.

Orbiting Underneath The Disc -- Put this up on FF.net as straight Discworld fanfiction. That's the least it deserves.

The Gate -- I did get a very creepypasta vibe from this, but it needs to be smarter -- you gotta have a TWEEST. But fair enough, you had other submissions.

>>121055
As for Lies, mainly I just thought it was cliche. It presents an idea but doesn't do anything with it -- telliness -- and I've seen this exact story done a hundred times better in the Firefly episode "War Stories" (where it was actually an appriopriate, believable situation). Sorry, but that fic just didn't gel with me.
>> No. 121059
File 134901196112.png - (113.26KB , 900x770 , 82798 - artist whifi bedroom_eyes derpy_hooves love_face vector.png )
121059
I just read "Lasting Impression" after someone told me to.

Whoever you are, you're my hero. Kinda curious who you imply that I'm sleeping with, though. Just "the mare" is way too ambiguous. Could be anypony from Celestia to (ugh) Rarity herself.
>> No. 121061
>>121059
Gushnor. Rarity. Vimbert. The story wrote itself.

I made a grievous error of judgement in not making that partner a colt, only dwarfed by the error of judgement in having that ending in the first place.

No implications intended, but all sexy interpretations are welcome. The point of the ending was to imply this orange pony was a bit of a fruit loop. Perhaps unnecessary, as I think it had already been well established.
>> No. 121062
>>121061
Hey, I dig the ladies too.

The ending did seem a bit off, but hey, it's a fic contest. What can you do?
>> No. 121063
>>121062
>Digs ladies

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Unless you mean with shovels.
>> No. 121065
File 134901790224.jpg - (45.26KB , 500x500 , yerp.jpg )
121065
>>121063
Clearly you know my sexuality better than me. Why don't you tell us more about it?

Seriously, where did that come from?
>> No. 121072
File 134902021285.jpg - (7.41KB , 183x137 , _2yt.jpg )
121072
All right. I've read all the stories now.

First things first: Holy moley there are a freaking lot of stories here that are just... confusing. Ambiguous pronouns up the wazoo, and just in-general being way too wishy washy and "artsy" about what the flip is going on. I gave a lot of stories 3's or 4's simply because they didn't have any tangible conflicts. (0's were off limits because Hot Shot . . . JaAm was in a tier of it's own, and likewise for 1's with "That little thing".) Maybe other people like this stuff? I dunno. I don't, though.

I'm surprised that there was only one comedy in this (unless you're counting Jelly Jam). Minifics are ripe for comedy, if you ask me—no need for plot and emotional attachment and stuff that you can't fit in that space.

Anyway, some stories I have comments on:

Top and Bottom
You're getting nuked hard in the rankings. That's kind of disappointing if it's just for the content, but at the same time this had bland shipping feel written all over it. 600 words just isn't enough for a romance.

Given that you at least had a tangible conflict, I think that still puts you in the better half of the entries.

Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly in JaAm Adventures
You make me want to implement a wooden spoon award, given to anything that gets 50% of its votes as zeroes. Because you'd win it. Deservedly.

The Cost of Truth
I liked the execution. I know it's cliche, but you lucked out because this happens to be the first of these changelings-have-feelings fics I've actually read.

Wings of an Angel
This read a lot like my intro scene to Wings of Icarus—very similar descriptors in much the same order. Coincidence? Or maybe I'm just flattering myself. Heh.

Darkness
Really well done Royal Canterlot Voice. Probably my favourite entry.

Orbiting Underneath The Disc
Not pony. Assumedly a crossover with something I don't get. Not sure what you were going for. You sure you entered the right contest, mate?

That little thing
Please learn title case. And please edit your work. Come on, it was only 350 words. This was just a poor effort.

Duality
Discord is pussy whipped as fuck. Come on. Seriously. And Twilight as a changeling? k

Lies
Someone's been watching too much Batman.

Top 5
Darkness
The Call of Carrothulhu
Returning Cerberus
The Song of Secrets
The Cost of Truth


Overall, I enjoyed a fair few more of these entries than I was expecting to. It's very difficult to get something enjoyable out in fewer than 600 words, and some of these did a good job. The one thing I'd have liked to see less of is all this ambiguous pronoun-y stuff. Blech.

Anyway, congratulations and thanks to everyone who participated (even you, author of Hot Shot and Hue Jelly JaAm Adventures, who I will forever loathe with a deep-seated hatred). This was a cool change of pace to the standard-length fics we're used to, and it presented interesting challenges that I think we can all possibly learn from.
>> No. 121076
>>121072
Fank yew, fank yew.

I really didn't think it was particularly great and was expecting a middle-of-the-road placing. I'm more than fine with being proven wrong on that count, though.
>> No. 121082
Well, an hour left. Time to guess authors?

Not quite the same as normal, but here's a list of all the registered users on the site: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/user/json-list
>> No. 121083
File 134902933854.jpg - (33.76KB , 300x303 , OfN6N.jpg )
121083
>>121082
I'm terrible at divining author styles, most likely because my memory doesn't let me remember them :|

Here's a hint for mine: I played it straight.
>> No. 121087
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121087
>>121083
Lasting Impression. I read it because of a supposed Vimbert cameo, and while I don't know Vimbert well enough to pick him out in that, I am fairly certain that you wrote this, Ion.

I have no Idea for the others, though. I didn't find time to read all of them. Darkness was my favorite, wish I'd written it.

>>121082
And since my name's on that list. Have fun picking mine. I always get a kick out of this. And I gave nothing away this time, too.
>pic
Also
>>121083
> I played it straight.
>>121027
>I noticed you commended me on playing the prompt straight
>playing the prompt straight
I'm guessing this one for Ion too.
>> No. 121088
Pascoite and "Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly in JaAm Adventures".

>>120558 gave that away
>> No. 121090
File 134903200165.jpg - (86.47KB , 894x894 , 132631931972.jpg )
121090
>>121088
I was actually thinking that too. He's renowned for his impeccable grammar, so this would be the perfect joke for him to play.

Also guessing Tactical for Top and Bottom, because who else would be so bold.

here's my list
Ion-Sturm--Lasting Impressions
Ion-Sturm--Darkness
Pascoite---Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly in JaAM Adventures
Tactical-----Top and Bottom

Idk for the others.
>> No. 121091
File 134903215477.png - (95.19KB , 600x600 , Trollface_Discord.png )
121091
My picks:

http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1-What-Lies-Beneath/results
>> No. 121094
>>121087
Hah, nope! I only wrote Darkness.
Also, http://youtu.be/ANk8xlsp1pQ

I'm honestly surprised Blue, Green, Purple, Pink didn't do better. I also think Lies got the short end of the stick; someone apparently thinks voting low because something is grimdark is A-OK.
>> No. 121095
>>121088
Sorry. No dice. I'd wager this was Present Perfect.
>> No. 121098
You can go and make fun of me now.
>> No. 121101
File 134903240736.png - (162.43KB , 744x1052 , 132891172445.png )
121101
>>121095
So it was. Shame you didn't get that in a minute or two sooner.

>>121094
Hah. I'll give you that without that hint I'd have never guessed.

And nopony even bothered to come out with that they knew mine. I knew you all knew it. You guys always find me out. Ezn even pegged me for both of them. Strangely enough, Ion, you got lucky with your clue to mine. I was actually posting because Fluttershy, not Raven. I didn't even realize it was Raven until you pointed it out.
>> No. 121105
>>121095
Darn.

Also, Roger, what does the "Score" column on the scoreboard represent?
>> No. 121109
>>121105
Your score.
>> No. 121110
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121110
>>121109
And how is that calculated?
>> No. 121111
I'm surprised someone mentioned this in the IRC once:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCH87-cbDpA

but never mentioned this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5eRcsWBliI

If any of you were wondering at all. Joco for life.
>> No. 121112
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121112
>>121091
Wait, but--I gave Teacher's pet a 27/30 for grammar... Pascoite, I am disappoint.

Dammit, I knew you wrote Canon, why didn't I guess that?

Figures Roger wrote Lasting Impression. I should have known.

Interesting that my entrees are sitting right next to each other, yet received very different reviews.


Oh, and about the full stop in the title, since I know everypony's wondering. I kid you not, this is why. It's not a full stop, it's just a dot, as in a file extension. I wrote the whole thing in a Microsoft Word document, for whatever reason. When I went to save it, I typed in the filename, The Flight.docx. Later, when I went to submit the entry, I copied and pasted right out of the filename The Flight.docx, not even realizing what I’d done. As soon as I submitted the entry, I noticed the error, but I couldn’t change it because somepony only made the *text* editable, not the *title*. That’s right, I blame you, Roger. Thus my grievous error was painfully displayed for all to see, but could I say anything? No. If I revealed too early that it was an error, it might hurt the potential score for something I worked very hard on.

Of course only then did I realize that I had another problem. My story was hastily titled. I should have titled it “Nopony Knew” to indicate the reason for the whole thing. They were all stranded on the island, too weak to go anywhere, dying of starvation, and the whole time nopony though to eat the fish that lay beneath the ocean’s surface. I still had time to change it of course, but once again, the submission form wouldn’t let me change the damn title. In short: I goofed, I’m too lazy to do other than blame Roger, and that’s all I have to say about that.
>> No. 121113
>>121110
http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/faq#Results-and-Accolades
>> No. 121115
File 134903429442.png - (107.70KB , 812x700 , 12691__safe_oc_daring-do_changeling_fanfic_mirror_artist-zutheskunk_mirror-match_smoke-and-mirro.png )
121115
Yay! Well done to Ion, Present and Pasco – you guys deserved it. I liked all of your stories.

On the subject of guessing authors, I'm surprised no-one caught my double-hyphens-as-en-dashes in Nothing. I mean, I'm pretty much the only person on this board who doesn't routinely lie with the hulking great em dash...

On the subject of mine:
>pic

Daring Do and the Tomb of Tirek I'm pretty happy with. Barring a few alterations I may or may not make to clarify things as necessary, I'm gonna drop this in my minific collection. To anyone who didn't get it: Tirek rose from the grave and his tomb also started rising, as a semi-symbolic kinda fulfillment of the "all I own lies under me" line that also functions as a prophecy of his coming attempt to take over the world. A little hokey, sure, but minifics.

Nothing I think I can do more with. I honestly struggled to get it into 600 words... it felt like I had just started writing when I had to stop. But I like the idea. I think it may end up being the closest thing to a [Sad] [Romance] fic I will ever write. I have some ideas for expanding it, and depending on how long it ends up being, I'll probably either put it up on FIMFic or send it to EqD.

For those who didn't get it and want the tweest spoiled (not recommended): The narrator is a changeling. He and Lily Blossom attempted a relationship, and he attempted to sustain himself on his own love for her. It didn't work out, and he lost his shapeshifting power in one eye as well as the hope in his heart. Cue sads. Yeah, there's a fair bit more story here.

Oh, and Tac: actually the filly's name was Sunrise, but I guess I may change that now.

Good job to everyone who wrote fics. This was fun, and I hope to do it again soon.
>> No. 121116
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121116
>>121115
*Reads spoiler*
I knew that. What I want to know is where the damn tie to the prompt was. The best I could come up with was 'what lies beneath his eyepatch' literally.
>> No. 121117
>>121112
>Wait, but--I gave Teacher's pet a 27/30 for grammar... Pascoite, I am disappoint.
Then tell me what you thought were mistakes, and I'll tell you why you're wrong. Unless, of course, you're right. In that case, I'll pour out half a 40 for you.

Incoming reviews!
>> No. 121118
>>121116
This one I'm actually kinda proud of, but it mightn't necessarily come through in the text itself.

What lies beneath his carapaced, changelingy exterior (in a figurative sense)? Nothing. The title of the peace answers the question asked by the prompt.
>> No. 121119
A note:
I'm more giving general impressions, so don't look for exhaustive line-by-line corrections of detailed things. I also won't be giving any sort of numerical scale or saying how I voted.

Blue, Green, Purple, Pink
Typo: Disord. A few missing commas.
>That constant cycle: birth, life, love death.
Not really an Oxford comma situation, since there isn't a conjunction, and the lack of it changes the meaning—see the German Liebestod.
>Her return was like a glorious sunrise after a long night.
(Speaking about Luna) An odd juxtaposition, as her return does more to affect the night. Not sure if this was intentional, but I like it.
>I'm itchy in my skin.
That just reads oddly.
Okay, I'm not 100% sure what to think of that. It was well-written and mechanically sound. The sentence structure could get repetitive in a few places. Immortality angst is nothing new, but the creeping madness angle here is. Does the color progression refer to Celestia's mane? If not, I'm not sure what significance it has. And I'm not sure what connection that pattern has to Celestia's mindset. Did the life cycle impose that on her, or did the cycle result from it? There's also the disturbing implication that the mane itself is causing her madness, making it out to be almost parasitic. I'm left a bit confused, but the mechanics are above board for a timed event, and the narrative more or less forms a closed arc instead of an isolated scene. it's definitely a thinker, which is a success in my mind.

When You Go
Hm. I like. I only saw one or two very minor mechanical things, so nothing to say there. Yes, this is an overdone premise, but I know that academically. I've actually read very few of these even though they're common and sadfics in general are my guilty pleasure. So it's not so played out for me in specific instances. This is actually one of the last reviews I've written, so all will make sense later but... Gaah! Another fic that's got me scratching my head a bit. I'm getting a strong vibe that Rarity's died, though I can also see the possibility that she's moved on to Canterlot, either because they've grown apart, or because Spike's memories are skewed, and they were never quite in that type of relationship. It does beg the question of why he stays in Ponyville. It's implied that Twilight has left town, and none of the others are mentioned as possible remaining connections. So he finds more comfort in Rarity's old place than he would in being near his friends? Or is it implied that enough time has gone by that they're all dead, and this is the last, best thing he can cling to? I'd almost see him as keeping up the library as well if that were the case, so it feels like Twilight at least is still alive. Good job, though. It's well-written and does complete a story arc.

Alighted
Mechanically, there's a lot of stylistic liberties being taken, so I can really call too much of that wrong, but I do disagree with both of the semicolons that appear; neither separates a pair of independent clauses. The only other specifi nitpick I'd make is that when Twilight's name gets interrupted, neither part contains the "l." This story plays more like a mood-setter than a story, but in knowing who wrote this, I can't say I'm surprised. The only modicum of resolution is that Twilight is apparently out of whatever immediate physical peril threatened her, but we don't know anything about what that was, how it turned out, and what any implication for the future is. It's all build-up, and would make a nice lead-in to a longer work, particularly one that eased up on the symbolism. As to said symbolism, I really, really hope the drumming motif wasn't a reference to Doctor Who. This story does a wonderful job of setting an atmosphere, but is incredibly vague. I begin the story thinking, "Okay, what happens?" then end it thinking, "Wait, what happened?"

Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly in JaAm Adventures
I...
See, you need commas and spell—
Because—
My brain hurts.

The Cost of Truth
>He tapped his chest with his appendage.
Strange word choice, and are you ready to start the big reveal already? You might have been able to hold it longer. I'd think they could still be described as having legs and hooves like ponies.
>just want to feel like the love I'm getting is real
Missing end punctuation and close quotes there.
>“Just... just be careful, okay?”
This raises a difficult point. You mentioned before that they "weren't meant to love," but they certainly seem capable of concern bordering on friendship here, and there's really not much of a difference. These two changelings are quite mellow, and it's got me wondering whether they're special cases or representative of the entire society.
>familiar looking
hyphenate
This begs the question of whether Bon Bon has always been a changeling, or if a switch was made. If the real Bon Bon exists somewhere, surely whoever the significant other is (as if I don't know) wouldn't hesitate in her course of action. One of the few that feels complete, as a situation is set up and brought to a conclusion, though open-endedness like this always drives me nuts. It also manages to avoid being telly, which is no mean feat with a restricted word count. And is the male changeling just there for a secret meeting, or is he impersonating (imponyating?) someone too? Hm.

Lyra's Potential
>As sprinkles of rain pelted against the classroom window
"Sprinkles" are awfully insubtantial to be "pelting," and the phrasing is usually to pelt something, not pelt against something.
>Bam!
Sound effects discouraged in narration.
>her heart racing
Verb tense error, based on the way it's phrased.
>Miss Blank
She's called Miss Notation elsewhere... or are there two instructors? An aide perhaps? It happens one other time, too.
>Somepony’s that
Somepony that's
I didn't get the ending. I have no idea who is in the picture, but the choice of "cradling" obviously shows that it's of great importance to her. And which one is shedding the tear? Some of the dialogue in the second scene is talking heads, but it's understandably hard to carry that much dialogue in a fic this length without doing so. I also can't tell what Lyra's resolved to do in the end. Redouble her efforts to be a great musician? Finally apply herself in class so that she can earn her way to that goal the way her teacher wants? Maybe become a success, either to spite the teacher or finally win her approval? It feels like the teacher's going for a tough love approach but going so far as to demean Lyra seems a bit much. There is a story of personal growth buried in here, but it's amost too subtle. Let me see exactly what it is that Lyra's decided.

Under the Apple Trees
>A small smile parted her lips; her teeth were barely visible beneath her gums.
That just sounds strange. And in the economy of words that is a microfic, I wonder if it's relevant.
Repetition of leaves rustling, and there are a lot of "begin" actions. That's a verb that's very overused in writing. Keep it to instances where you want to emphasize that an action begins but get interrupted. I'm guessing the event she's referencing is her corruption by Discord. I like the sense that she's still troubled by it, but I don't see what absolution she feels like she's getting here. She's not asking her parents for forgiveness; she's just giving them a news update. Unless the "thank you" is her interpretation that that's what the apple was. It's a bit of a tease to list her parents' initials without coming up with any names to go along with them. I also don't get the importance of the sweat mentioned at the beginning. Is it just a hot day? Is she finished with a hard day's work? For word counts this low, everything really needs to be important. If you're indulging in fluff that might be appropriate in a longer work, then chances are you cold come up with something more meaningful to say. I do get a sense of completeness in that Applejack seems to be satisified that she's resolved something, but it's not entirely clear to me what that is. Still, I like it, and Applejack's status as almost-best pony doesn't hurt.

Darkness
>The smell of must, the ghostly echoes of her hoofsteps, the unyielding stone walls, the taste of stale air, it just accented the darkness.
There's a dichotomy here. The last comma feels more like a dash, and the "it" shold be a "they," unless it refers to the darkness, in which case the preceding list is out of place.
>She was the darkness.
Emphasis with italics
>everything that laid in its veil
lay/lie confusion. It happens again later.
>Mine sister walks
That's an obtrusive use of "mine." Even in antiquted speech, "my" would be more common, but you don't continue with a pattern of archaic language in this sentence.
>while We–“
Quote direction. Sometimes smart quotes break, and it can be tricky to notice.
>If thou hadst a tongue
Missing comma
>We– I– apologize
Dash spacing
>You wanted to be greater than her
greater than she
I've always been a sucker for stories that end where they began, so nice touch there. The archaic language is inconsistent and incorrect at times, and the dialogue gets talking-heads. That's inevitable for the disembodied voice, but I'd like to see some reaction from Luna beyond what's spoken. Not a bad play on how Luna gets overwhelmed by Nightmare Moon, but I would like to see some reference to how its claims of being able to defeat Celestia were subverted. Was it unprepared for the resources Celestia could use to oppose it? If so, then there's really nothing else to say. But if, as you've hinted, Luna is not happy with how things are playing out, show us a hint that she's resisting.

That Little Thing
>That’s right ponyfolk this party has been brought to you
Direct address, run-on
>The club exploded into mixture of cheering and a sick beat blasting from the speakers followed by a wave of ponies moving to the music.
Missing word, missing comma
>On this roof stood party entrepreneur: miss Pinkamena Diane Pie.
The way this is phrased, you're using an appositive, not a clarification. No need for the colon, and "Miss" should be capitalized.
Many missing commas. Alright, that's enough of a grammar sweep. I'll just say that this story needs editing help.
I'm guessing that the VIPs are the other Elements, reunited at some point after Pinkie's gone off to nurture her career. As that seems to be the major conflict in the story, it's odd that we didn't see it resolved, given that you had plenty of word count left. How much time has passed? How often do they see each other? I have no sense of what it means for her to see them again. It's also rather jarring to see Pinkie suddenly in all-business mode without any backstory of what led to that. It doesn't seem to fit her character, so it's not something that can be taken at face value. You have to get me there.

The Song of Secrets
Interesting that Zecora speaks in rhyme, but doesn't think in rhyme.
>and..." She trailed off
Not a fan of most speech actions that are redundant with the punctuation.
>You don't keep books around... were you told by somepony
Capitalize after an ellipsis if it necessarily starts a sentence.
I like the atmosphere you've created, but it's never really clear what Twilight's motivation is. She seems more interested in the knowledge for its own sake; while the implication is there that treasures do exist for those bold enough the brave Tartarus, Twilight doesn't show an inclination to go there herself. She's just writing a report. And it's also odd that Zecora, and other zebras as implied, have special knowledge of the place, while the fact that Cerberus shows up in Ponyville would reasonably place it not far from there. The mechanics were quite clean, and I can see it more as a bit of character development for Zecora than a resolution of events, since nothing actually happens. I'm racking my brain to think of what the final rhyme might have been.

The Call of Carrothulhu
A few minor mechanical things I won't bother to mention. Author, you may have heard me say this to you before: you're obviously going for a Lovecraftian feel, and if you have indeed heard that from me, then this attempt is closer. The diction and sense of foreboding are fairly well done, but the biggest miss is that Lovecraft milks so much atmosphere from his settings, and there's barely any description here. Lovecraft also keeps a serious tone, and yet the banter and interactions here don't just feel oddly neutral—they wander over into light comedy. In fact, I'd swear you were going for laughs, except you're not doing any over-the-top lampooning. There's definitely some writing talent here, but this story's not really sure what it wants to be. It's not quite dark, not quite funny, not quite parody. It's like the kid who mixes all his food together with the logic that it's all going to be mixed up in his stomach anyway. While well-written, it just left me scratching my head.

The Flight
>but who else could it be?
By having the narrator ask a question, you're creating the feel of a third-person limited or first-person narrator. However, it's not until the end that we get a sense of who the focus character might be.
Sentence structures get repetitive.
I'm not even sure the focus characters remain constant, though. At the beginning, we hear about a mysterious ship, but that mystery is never cleared up. Then at the end, we see another group that's in too weakened a state to have cared about the mystery. I'm not sure what he's supposed to have seen in the water. I've got a few ideas, but I can't tell what was intended. You still had ample word count left to delve into some of these things. This is another one of the fics that reads more as a scene than a story, since nothing gets resolved. I was more lenient on that back in Tactical's minific contest because the maximum word count was lower, but since some people still pulled it off, and there's more room this time, it's certainly an achievable goal. This one feels more like the build-up for a longer story.

The Gate
Oooooh, second-person fic. Hm. The problem with these is that they're constantly telling me what I'd do, even if it's not something I'd do. So there's already a disconnect, unless the reader just happens to be into this type of narrator. Gutsy choice. I'll give you that. Sentence structure gets repetitive.
>Words are inscribed ... in an ancient writing language
Odd phrasing, and wouldn't it have to be written if it were inscribed?
...And another gutsy move. Killing off the Mane 6. And yet it was too easy. From the narrator's point of view, nothing distinguishable happens. We have no sense of what the threat was and how easily it overcame them. Did they put up a fight, or just cower in the dark? We get to observe a bit of the conflict be never see or understand any of it, so I'm just not sure what happened, and what should be a very emotional event is told quite passively.

Beneath the Surface
>Applebloom sat down on the rug in front of the fireplace. Her hoof traced out circles in the fur.
Are... you referring to a fur rug? As in an animal pelt? That's... creepy.
Please leave blank lines between paragraphs. It makes a story much easier to read. A number of missing commas, and there's a lot of awkward phrasing, particularly near the beginning. Good job of showing. You're painting a nice scene full of emotional cues, though there were a couple of lapses, particularly of the "in/with <emotion>" variety.
>Applebloom was frozen with one hoof raised pointedly at her sister, fear glazed her eyes.
That's either a comma splice or a tense error.
When will people learn that it's "Apple Bloom?"
>“Don’t ya see, silly filly”
Missing punctuation.
Sentence structure got repetitive near the end.
There actually was a story buried in there, though much of it is implied. I really hope you're not going for the full "Applejack is uneducated" thing. It's a pet peeve of mine. You've created a nice, authentic moment here, and it's not far from being an enjoyable little story. Not bad.

Duality
First sentence: semicolon is misused.
>dragonequus
spelling
>With Miss Queenie Changeling finally returns from her unexpected vacation to the underworld, we can start working on how break Magic itself.
I believe you meant "when" instead of "with," and there's a missing word near the end.
Not a bad setup for a story, but there's not anything here yet. It's also not quite consistent in its message. It takes itself seriously for the most part, but the couple of humor bits thrown in have left me confused as to whether this is intended to be a light piece on the whole. It's going to be awfully hard to tackle too complex an endeavor in such a small word count, so it's probably best to stick with a single mood unless you're going to draw this out into something longer.

Existence
A few minor mechanical derps not worth pointing out specifically.
>And although we were tried to tell them that ponies who understood what it meant to be mortal would be better-suited and more sympathetic as rulers, they would here none of it.
Extra word in there, and hear/here confusion.
>After all, I am Celestia the great, the wise, the everlasting, the unchanging.
The way this is phrased, they sound like titles, so I wonder why they're not capitalized.
Oh. More Celestia immortality angst. It's well-written, but such is that state of this premise, that even well-written examples don't necessarily stand out. Also another entry that plays as a scene instead of a story. Good job on it, but it's a face in the crowd.

Missing You
A few odd and indirect phrasings and missing commas. Italicize direct thoughts, please. Gets telly at times. I'm not sure what the ghosts thought they were accomplishing here, unless it's just a dream. Not even acknowledging Applejack or comforting her in any way was actually cruel. The descriptions are nice, but I'm just hung up on that. Applejack was fine and had soothed her sister, but now she's reopened old wounds because of these spirits that deliberately ignored her or (hopefully) were just oblivious to her. I get the sad, but instead of being a tender sad, it's more of a horrified sad, which doesn't quite fit with the nice moment at the beginning between sisters.

Up and Comer
Hm. A lot of typos that appear to be a result of being rushed. And as I read on... What?
I don't even...
My brain hurts again.

Within the Glade
Some missing commas and word repetition. A few more odd phrasings, a bit telly. I must be really dense, because yet again, I'm not sure what happened. I can see this varying from "she's a ghost wandering around her grave" to "he's a creepy guy that's planning to murder her." And I'm not sure how he's going to get his question answered by digging around for a body, unless that's how he can get the ghost to appear. Maybe? I dunno. I think you're on the verge of a good story here, but it's a tad inscrutable yet.
>> No. 121120
>>121119

>About the implications of Rarity being dead and everyone else moving away.

The implication I was going for was that everyone was gone, and Spike is still living in the past in his head, going through the motions day to day.

“you'd be able to see them up close more often” was my attempt at saying they were all buried in Canterlot, where his inner Rarity suggests he move to.

A good point about Spike holding up the library being a possibility. I guess I wanted to use the Rarity connection too much over anything else.
>> No. 121122
File 134903661715.jpg - (124.90KB , 900x720 , lector pinkamena.jpg )
121122
>>121118
~

>>121119
>The Flight
The point of the ship is that nopony knows, hence the intended title, but that's my fault. Anyway, the charred bodies would have been an indication, but it was still supposed to be very mysterious, and that was chronologically the second to last event in the story, so they never did find out. This was a challenge to myself to see how well I could write a story backward, and despite the low rating, I think I got the exact reaction I was looking for.

>The Gate
This was just supposed to be some creepypasta. No actual story line was attempted. Status: Success, although with some tweaking it could do better.
>> No. 121124
>>121119
>She was the darkness.
>Emphasis with italics
Since I was using italics so extensively for the Voice, I decided to use bold for emphasis. Hey, at least I didn't use underlined, right?

>while We–“
>Quote direction. Sometimes smart quotes break, and it can be tricky to notice.
I noticed, hoped no one else would :|

>We– I– apologize
>Dash spacing
The em-dashes looked too long to my tastes, so I used en-dashes, which I thought needed to have a space.

I had more reactions from Luna, but had to cut them to fit in the word-limit. They're only flavour, so actual story material got precedence.

Luna didn't really have a chance to resist; she willingly allowed it into her. I figured the physical sickness showed how it was overwhelming her.
>> No. 121128
>>121124
>The em-dashes looked too long to my tastes, so I used en-dashes, which I thought needed to have a space.
Ah. En dashes use a space on both sides.
>> No. 121142
File 134905065919.jpg - (93.61KB , 500x499 , 16841568.jpg )
121142
and also L For...A dumb title, I'll admit
and More Than a Magician can't say I'm surprised by the hate
and Wings of Angel Also a dumb title
and Noises Ughhhhh, this was so bad

Now that I got that out of the way, Since I was dumb and didn't put my name in the author field, whoops I want to address a few things.
Outside of the little bit of reviewing I do on TTG, I don't really read very many ponyfics. So, I had never read an Applejack visits her parent's grave fic, even though I knew they existed, and so it seemed like a good idea to me. As for the sweat at the beginning I was trying to show that she had been walking for quite some time, implying that the tree was rather deep in the orchard. Also, I didn't spell out her parent's names because I didn't think that was important to the story. I figured the initials would be enough. If you were curious, the names I came up with were: Applewood and Honey Crisp Perhaps I was a little too vague when referring to why she was visiting them, but it was because of the whole Discord thing. And yeah, the apple was kind supposed to be representative of her parent's telling her that it was okay. Coulda been done better, I don't doubt that, but I'm fairly happy with how it turned out. Oh, and Minjask/Raindrops, in your review you said that I should have proofread this. Umm, I did... multiple times... and then I read it again after I submitted it. It's virtually free of grammatical errors, in my eyes. So, if you could provide some examples of errors that would be awesome. I'm not saying your wrong, but again, examples would be great.

As for L For..., this was kind of a weird one. This was my (failed) attempt at not explicitly telling the reader anything. It was supposed to be right after she flew away from the maze and she got Discorded; that's why I brought up the fact that she was wearing her pendant. Though, admittedly, it was probably far too vague. The title was supposed to be ambiguous, either L For Loyalty or L For Love, also an admittedly silly plan. Oh, and, RogerDodger, any similarity to Wings of Icarus was entirely unintentional. Again, I barely read any ponyfics, probably should though. I keep, accidentally, aping other stories *cough*The Box[i]*cough*.

And finally, [i]More Than a Magician
. Can't say that I'm surprised by the, apparent, dislike for it. I guess people don't like seeing Trixie as being a "out-and-out psychopath". Fair enough, but I had a lot of fun writing this, and it was the one was most happy with, beside Under the Apple Trees. To address Tactical's comment on FiMfic: Trixie was supposed to be Twi's sister; hence, why I had Trixie say Mom and Dad, implying that she was Twilight's sister. As for why she wanted revenge, she didn't. She wasn't looking for revenge when she came to Twilight. I was trying to show that she was, as Grif so eloquently put it, "an out-and-out psychopath". She was spurned by her, and Twilight's, parents when Twilight became Celestia's pupil. Then she disappeared (i.e. faking her own death) and then showed up later under a different name to "get Twilight's attention". As for how she faked her death, I didn't think that was important. It didn't matter how she did it, just that she did. With only 600 words I didn't have a lot of room background. I had hoped that the dialogue and actions would build enough of the background by themselves apparently that didn't really work all that well.

Oh, and Noises was just bad. I'm kind of embarrassed that I even wrote it. In my head the idea was funny enough, but in execution I ****ed it up pretty hard. As several people pointed out, I spent far too much time writing about inane details, and it was also pretty damn predictable. So, uhh, sorry—I guess.
>> No. 121143
File 134905118731.png - (227.32KB , 477x498 , 33298 - apology artist john_joseco crying flour macro pinkamena_diane_pie pinkie_pie regret rock.png )
121143
>>121142
I suspected it was the Discord incident, but it lacked even a shred of concrete proof to support that theory. If you had mentioned Cloudsdale falling apart, or the lack thereof, it might have been clearer. Perhaps mentioning her feelings about 'having her wings back' would have been helpful. Either way, you needed to give us something. Anything at all would have been enough to make it enjoyable.
>> No. 121146
>>121143
Yes, I agree. It was way way way too vague. But, it is what it is, so **** it. I'm surprised it was higher than More Than a Magician though, despite the expected hate.
>> No. 121147
File 134905203812.png - (379.92KB , 1219x1296 , bloom_season_5_safari___by_costantstyle-d4siefz.png )
121147
The fascists make me post this.

Results: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/1-What-Lies-Beneath/results
Super cool scoreboard with wooden spoon to the big fat loser: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/scoreboard

The writing part of the next big write-off event will likely start on the weekend beginning Fri, 19 Oct. I'll probably put the event up around next weekend,

If people would like, I can put another minific contest up for this weekend. A standard fic contest with only public voting requires little maintenance at this point.

>>121142
I can change the author field for those stories to your pen name if you'd like.
>> No. 121149
File 134905234165.jpg - (48.55KB , 600x800 , mlfw5544-9e6b0228d04d79a94282aca101847314.jpg )
121149
>>121147
>If people would like, I can put another minific contest up for this weekend. A standard fic contest with only public voting requires little maintenance at this point.
I know I'd love to do another minific contest. I thought it was a fun challenge to write with such a constrained word count. Even if I didn't do that great

>I can change the author field for those stories to your pen name if you'd like.
That would be awesome, thanks.
>> No. 121150
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121150
>>121147

Hehe, I'm not sure actually. I'm not per sey opposed to the idea,but I--will not be able to come up with a valid excuse that also counters being able to get over writers block. There you have it: if nothing else, this will help cure writer's block. Maybe this time I'll be able to remain unpegged.
>> No. 121154
So I got back from Canterlot Gardens today and have only just now been able to catch up on this thread because ponychan hates my laptop.

As some have noticed, I kind of have a weakness for writing contests. Flashfic/speedfic/minific contests are a particular weakness of mine, and that there was no submission limit to this one made it even better. I got to put into motion my plans to write down some of my ideas as minifics, and thus got two ideas out of my workfile. Here's a little commentary:

Blue, Green, Purple, Pink: I thought this was actually my strongest entry, at least as far as the writing goes, though like I said, tenuous link to the prompt. I'm quite pleased that it placed so high. It's funny the things that others miss (the color symbolism, if you can even call it that) versus the things I miss (the actual link to the prompt). This was one of my "write a serious fic based on a goofy prompt" ideas, like Blue Is Better. I need to stop doing that.

Call of Carrothulhu: I'm totally blown away that people liked this so much. If this didn't work as Lovecraft, it would be because I have never read Lovecraft. Everything I know about his writing is hearsay. Pasco had a very spot-on review, I thought, due to the melding of tones/styles, which was partially intentional, and probably just a result of me not wanting or being able to go full grimdark. I mean, the thing that strikes me about this story is not the horror, but the absurdity of the concept. She found a fucking elder god carrot growing in her garden. You can't get a whole lot sillier than that, I swear.

Hot Shot and Hugh Jelly: So the Saturday this contest was running, I was over at my friend's house, watching Transformers: Armada like we have been recently, when I envisioned the first paragraph of this story and knew I would be trolling the contest. Now, if you're not a Transformers fan, there are two things you should know. First, that Armada is a fucking terribad show, in the way that only anime can be. If it wasn't based on Transformers, we wouldn't be watching it. Second, that there was a very hilarious running gag based around Armada Hot Shot and his love of "JaAm" (never capitalized the same way twice). It's such a running gag that Hasbro actually homaged it in later releases of his toy. But the comic rewrite that spawned it was... actually fairly similar to this story, in tone at least. I borrow a lot from Argembarger, of course, as he is my inspiration. :B I waffled a bit about actually sending in the story, but figured, hey, it's just a silly contest to test out the site, and I'll have 'real' entries too. A well deserved last place!

Anyway, thank you for the spoon, Roger, I love it. :D Also, read more trollfic, it's obvious you all need to. ;D
>> No. 121160
File 134909272188.png - (352.14KB , 1421x2214 , FillyDash-Happy.png )
121160
>>121119
Spot on review. The mistakes at the end was embarrassing in hindsight.

Duality was actually an idea which I stumbled on over the weekend, and I felt compelled to use it for this write-off. Yes, it was meant to be a larger story and the word limit was probably the killer here. Another 300 or so words, and I could have introduced Chrysalis as well, and made the story direction a little clearer. (was supposed to be comedy with some adventure).

Oh well, at least unlike Regrets, I had fun writing this. Since I don't have a Discord/NMM picture at hand, have a filly Rainbow Dash.
>> No. 121167
All right, if I can get 10 people down in the next 24 hours saying they'd like another minific event this weekend, I'll make one.

So far, I'm only counting one definitive "yes" (>>121149).
>> No. 121172
>>121167
I say screw that and save it for a halloween themed write-off.
>> No. 121174
>>121172
Not really an option since that'd overlap with the main event set for Oct 19.
>> No. 121176
>>121174

A Halloween themed event doesn't need to overlap with the day. Heck, stores have Christmas decorations by now.
>> No. 121178
>>121176
I had said yes to an event this weekend(>>121150) even though it wasn't clear, but I'm kinda for the whole Halloween theme. I'll be waning off of school by then, and I might just have time to read everything, not to mention the season will inadvertently encourage darker themed stories, which are my favorite.
>> No. 121196
>>121167

Count me in. I'm going to try and get a fic over 5.00 next contest.
>> No. 121201
Question, Roger: How many contestants were there total?
>> No. 121204
I don't know if I want one this weekend per se, but you know I'll be in it anyway.
>> No. 121205
>>121201
19.

I think I've gotten 10 yays, so I'll make the event once I'm done with the event announcement email template.
>> No. 121206
Damn. I love these, and yet writing them just reminds me about all the writing I'm not doing for my own work.
>> No. 121225
File 134918791075.png - (23.80KB , 300x180 , 489461-53.png )
121225
>>121205
>> No. 121275
Minific Round 2 is up: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/

Seeing as this thread's got plenty of life left, I think we'll stick to this one for discussion. Good luck, everyone!
>> No. 121276
>opening time: 4 am

Challenge. Fucking. Accepted.
>> No. 121280
File 134923311931.gif - (499.81KB , 500x281 , 134626878225.gif )
121280
>>121225
>Begins at 10am on Saturday.
This will be just like getting up to watch the show.
>> No. 121282
I started this minific shit. I'm entering if it kills me. And it might.
>> No. 121291
File 134924697738.jpg - (14.47KB , 422x271 , Shephard Gendo.jpg )
121291
>>121275
It's redemption time, boys, and no submission form will hinder me this time around.
>> No. 121293
File 134924941990.jpg - (117.13KB , 400x586 , jfQMO.jpg )
121293
Just started a full-time job. Not sure if I'll be able to find the energy for this one but I wish the best of luck to its contestants.
>> No. 121295
>>121119
Thanks for the review.

>Are... you referring to a fur rug? As in an animal pelt? That's... creepy.
Woops.

> There actually was a story buried in there, though much of it is implied.
I suppose that's not a great thing.
> I really hope you're not going for the full "Applejack is uneducated" thing. It's a pet peeve of mine.
Didn't know it was a trope.

> You've created a nice, authentic moment here, and it's not far from being an enjoyable little story. Not bad.
:) Shame I did awful in the rankings.
>> No. 121296
Another round, you say?
Why yes, that sounds most pleasant.
>> No. 121311
Actual decent times for things? Unheard of!
>> No. 121319
File 134927679365.jpg - (8.17KB , 320x240 , _1hh.jpg )
121319
>>121311
I just throw a die and see what happens. It's 24 hours anyway, so everyone's going to be awake for about the same amount of time for it.
>> No. 121320
File 134927833143.jpg - (21.20KB , 178x249 , tired.jpg )
121320
>>121319
(except people who don't sleep)

I'll see if I have time to write one or two entries. They're minifics, so chances are I will.
>> No. 121552
This is happening tomorrow. Are yall ready? Oh yeaaaaaaa!
>> No. 121563
>>121552

>This is starting at stupid o'clock tonight! Get pumped! Sleep is for fillies!”

fuck you guys
>> No. 121581
http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/2-Minific-Round-2/prompt/submit

PROMPT SUBMISSION IS OPEN!
>> No. 121582
http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/2-Minific-Round-2/prompt/vote

TIME TO VOTE!
>> No. 121584
THE PRICE OF A DREAM
>> No. 121585
>>121584
inb4 30 stories about RD giving up the wonderbolts
>> No. 121586
>>121584

It's writin' time.
>> No. 121589
File 134953916799.png - (235.16KB , 614x539 , ohwell.png )
121589
>>121584
Tried to write something, ended up double the word limit and counting.
>pic
Whelp, time to go to bed. Still, all the best, guys, and thanks for the delicious prompt - I'm rather liking this little vignette I have.

>>121585
inb4 20 stories about Trixie being a showmare
>> No. 121593
>inb4 every story is a Gift of the Magi rip-off.
>> No. 121595
>>121593
But Cass, it's already been poorly done! http://www.fimfiction.net/story/37949/The-Gift-of-the-Magi
>> No. 121599
>>121589
>inb4 20 stories about Trixie being a showmare

...shit
>> No. 121601
You could probably still try to do a "Trixie is a showmare" story, but you'd have to write a really good opening so that people wouldn't quit reading based solely on the concept.
>> No. 121602
>>121601
I guess we'll find out if I accomplished that since I already submitted it. fuck...

Does everyone really hate Trixie that much? Or is it just that she's rather overused? I have to imagine it's a combination of both factors.
>> No. 121604
File 134955030495.jpg - (260.57KB , 1600x1116 , trixie bullet.jpg )
121604
>Trixie is always relevant
I didn't use Roger's website in the last event. Does it yell at you if you try to submit over the word count? I'm feeling paranoid since GDocs wordcount and FimFic's wordcount never match up exactly, and I don't want to accidentally DQ.
>> No. 121606
>>121602
Sweeping, probably incorrect generalizations incoming.

More the second than the first. I know we pre-readers collectively groan every time a Trixie fic hits our inbox, because it seems like they're all extremely minor variations on the same theme, as far as I can tell.
>> No. 121609
>>121606
I can understand that. As much as I love Trixie (she is the best after all), she is used way too much, and often, as you said, in the same way with minor variations. It kinda sucks that such a cool character has been nearly ruined by cliched overuse. Alas, poor Trixie, such is life.
>> No. 121613
>>121604
If your fic is over/under a limit, you get an error message saying what your word count is.
>> No. 121618
It's 9:30 and I have yet to write anything. (I go to bed at 10:00 if I can help it.)

LIKE A BOSS
>> No. 121619
File 134957554172.gif - (66.86KB , 350x200 , derpy__s_muffin_cannon_by_tomdantherock-d4ntgvx.gif )
121619
>12 hours elapsed
>12 hours remaining
>Only 7 fics submitted
Tick tock, bronies.
>> No. 121620
File 134957717221.jpg - (6.47KB , 225x225 , Owloysius.jpg )
121620
I would like first to apologize that it’s taken this long to respond to the critiques of my minific, Alighted. Secondly, I would also like to apologize for my inability to properly reciprocate the gesture. I will now reply to each of the reviews I’ve received.

Present Perfect’s:
>> 120408
> Ah, the dubious honor of shortest shortfic! Neat. This is how you do economical writing. That said, very hard to follow, but I found it satisfying in the end.

Hm, it seems that my fatal minimalism might spell the end for any future endeavors in anonymity. That “honor” is probably the most damaging element of the fic. I’m glad you appreciated it, though I’m sorry if it was harder to follow for it. The ending was likely the part I was most satisfied with after I had finished writing it, so I’m glad that that feeling transferred over.

Ezn’s:
>> 120474
> There's something interesting hiding away here, but I think you need a bit more to really make it work.

You’re absolutely correct. I didn’t put enough into it, and, consequently, I didn’t get enough out of it.

Grif’s:
>>120495
>I feel dumb for missing the point of this fic.
>Still, I suppose it's quite well-written, albeit a little confusing.

I feel horrible just for the fact that this seems a verbatim critique of my last entry into the Write-Off. I’m glad you found it well-written, and that is something I strive to achieve, but I regret the ambiguity’s choking effect on my piece.

Ion-Sturm’s:
>> 120674
>The prose was fairly evocative, although it mostly just made swirls of unidentifiable origin for me. An interesting display but it lacked focus.

I spend a lot of time drawing really pretty flowers in the sand and don’t realize when the tide comes in the effort will be all for naught. I spent to little time on it, and it lacked the structure and conduits necessary to channel the energy of the prose because if my carelessness.

Bleeding Raindrops’s:
>> 121005
> Story: 57/60
>Mildly confusing, but with a bit of expansion it might become clear. I was honestly amazed at the writing style. I would like to make a guess at who wrote this, but there’s no way he would ever write so little.

I am surprised and flattered.

>Originality: 37/40
>… I’m actually not sure what you were trying to portray here, but I suppose it’s original.

What I meant it to be was the tail end of a battle between the Elements and a creature (or creatures) much like the Windigos. Twilight falls through some thin ice over a lake or river and the ice freezes over again, trapping her. Starving of oxygen and being robbed of her body heat in the icy water, she unlocks a lifesaving power, understanding of hatred at the cost of innocence.

>Characterization: 15/20
>I don’t know what to do with this, because there’s nothing here to go off of, but your story didn’t really need it. I’ll give you a C.

I’m glad that you could enjoy it even though it was poorly structured and lacking in substantial depth.

>Grammar: 28/30
>I noticed a couple of minor mistakes

Hm… with all the ridiculous liberties I took with the English language, I’m surprised I got by so well in the grammar department.

>Tie to the prompt: 43/50
>Once again, I believe I’m missing something, but I can’t give this top marks.

I tried to give it a decent-strength tie to the prompt, but I guess the elements it lacked hurt it.

>Total score: 180/200
>I think this story suffered from the length requirements.

Ah, I will try to be more verbose next time.

Tactical’s:
>>121028
>Alighted seems like something I would blast out in a stream-of-consciousness if I had no desire to go back and edit it to be accessible, enjoyable, and cohesive. I respect the writing. I could not enjoy it because I was waiting for it to build to a super-solid resolution and it only sort of did one.

Guilty as charged, Monsieur Roi des Petites Fictions. Alighted was pretty much just an hour or so’s worth of stream-of-consciousness wish-washy jumbled, mumbling gibberish.

Pascoite’s:
>>121119
>Mechanically, there's a lot of stylistic liberties being taken, so I can really call too much of that wrong, but I do disagree with both of the semicolons that appear; neither separates a pair of independent clauses.

Ah, I suppose I’ll be more mindful of that. I’ve got a testy semicolon-finger.

>The only other specifi nitpick I'd make is that when Twilight's name gets interrupted, neither part contains the "l."

That was intentional, to signify that the events between the first and last part of her name only occurred during the time it took to pronounce that one letter. Eh, it feels like a rather stupid choice now, though.

>This story plays more like a mood-setter than a story, but in knowing who wrote this, I can't say I'm surprised.

I feel now I’ve branded myself with a very discernible style. I’ll work on making my work less… whatever it is I write.

>The only modicum of resolution is that Twilight is apparently out of whatever immediate physical peril threatened her, but we don't know anything about what that was, how it turned out, and what any implication for the future is. It's all build-up, and would make a nice lead-in to a longer work, particularly one that
eased up on the symbolism.

Hm, a very fair point, I invested all of the power in the style and none in the character or plot. I agree that that was a key factor in my piece coming out poorly.

>As to said symbolism, I really, really hope the drumming motif wasn't a reference to Doctor Who.

I’d been watching about two hours of Doctor Who every day for the last month or two, so the fact that a borrowed motif slipped by me is wholly unsurprising. It feels kind of childish now, though, in retrospect. Again, the work would have benefited from my spending more time on it.

>This story does a wonderful job of setting an atmosphere, but is incredibly vague. I begin the story thinking, "Okay, what happens?" then end it thinking, "Wait, what happened?"

See above for the details of the intended happenings.
While I’m not disappointed by the deficiency of any meaningful context in Alighted, I certainly will try to better organize and contextualize my work from now on.



Thank you to all who commented on and reviewed Alighted. It was an enjoyable contest that I had fun participating in, and I regret being unable to take a more active role in the competition.


Thank you, Roger, for sponsoring these events and creating that nifty website to run them on.
>> No. 121624
Of all the prompts I didn't want...
>> No. 121625
>>121619
It's still a full 12 hours to submit. :3
>> No. 121627
File 134958495583.jpg - (87.68KB , 900x506 , come_at_me_bro__by_snowyluxray-d4rhm1t.jpg )
121627
Didn't quite reach my goal of twenty fics, but I got a few in. Unless I come up with some amazing idea, I'm done. This prompt didn't give me nearly as many ideas as the last one. Still got at least one (hopefully) interesting minific out of it though. Guess now I just have to sit and wait for the submissions to close so I can read everyone else's fics.

Might actually hand out some reviews this time around too.
>> No. 121632
Wrote up three and now it's late so I'm going to turn in. The more I read and edit, the worse they seem but who knows. Can't wait to read the other entries tomorrow.

Good luck to everyone!
>> No. 121633
File 134959367483.png - (1.61MB , 1920x1080 , eclipsed_by_crappyunicorn-d468ryk.png )
121633
Gah, why couldn't you have done this tomorrow when I wasn't working from 3 to 11?
Might be able to finish up mine before I go to sleep still...
>> No. 121639
http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/2-The-Price-of-a-Dream/fic/gallery

GET READING!

http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/2-The-Price-of-a-Dream/fic/vote/public

VOTE AS WELL!
>> No. 121646
Same deal as before. If anyone would like a review, drop a post here, send me an email (address in the trip), message me via GChat, or PM me in IRC. I'll post them once voting is complete so that nobody can be influenced by my opinions.
>> No. 121647
>>121646
If you don't mind, I would be most appreciative.
>> No. 121648
>>121646
Please, do review mine.
>> No. 121651
>>121646
Meh, I'm not incredibly pleased with what I made this time around especially the ending but I would appreciate your thoughts on my short nevertheless.
>> No. 121654
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121654
I don't always read and review 38 minifics, but when I do I prefer to do so whilst drinking Dos Equis. The following “reviews” are more like my thoughts immediately after finishing each fic. And I'm stealing Present Perfect's format because it's awesome. Also I don't care about swaying people's opinions because I'm a nobody and my opinions mean nothing.So less go...


Eventually: Meh, well-written, but not particularly interesting.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime: Can't say I was surprised by the ending, but my god... this was excellent. Reek's character was just... so great... so great.

Essence of a Dream: So what's Pinkie's kick?

Making Daddy Proud: First Trixie fic, huh? Let's see how it is. [two minutes later] Well that was... disappointing. You spent way too much time telling me how great her father was, and not enough time making me give a crap.

The Locket: Something tells me this is also about Trixie. [two minutes later] Yep, sure was. Better than the first, but pretty meh. Why would she give up her locket for a hat and cape?

If Only I Could...: Hold on a second. Didn't I already write this story for the last minific contest? Oh wait, it's more like a prequel.

For Mommy: What? Did Dinky get turned into a muffin? What the fuck happened? This feels unfinished, or rushed, or both.

A Painted World: I have no idea how this relates to the prompt, none whatsoever. Please learn to tag dialogue properly. Periods create broken attribution.

Appreciating The Other Side: The should not be capitalized. I haven't even read any civil war fics, and I'm still sick of seeing them. And I hate the nickname “Celly”... shit gets on my nerves.

A Simple Model: I think the word you're looking for is midday. So... uhh... well, you subverted my expectations to say the least.

Held Together By Misery: Meh, I liked Eventually more.

Voices: It's like the opposite of Waterworld. I suppose you could say this was interesting. I would've liked it more if the entire story was like the beginning.

Confessions: ...what? I had a hard time following what was happening because I was distracted by the worst abuse (of ellipses) I've seen since Mommy Dearest.

Our Separate Ways: I actually quite liked this, for what it is.

To Equestria: It's like a mockery of bronies... I love it.

Like a Stone: Roooooom by roooooom, paaaaaiiiitientlyyyyyy. Oh wait, sorry. The ties to MLP seem to be strenuous at best, but I fucking loved this. Bravo.

Rendezvous: Nice. I liked this little take on the CelestiaxDiscord ship.

Supply and Demand: Pretty funny, and well-written to boot. I'm not sure what it had to do with ponies, but I liked it.

All I Want is a Friend: Man, Serenity is awesome. Sorry, I was so bored I decided to watch Nathan Fillion instead.

Party Rock Anthem: Oh, Nathan, you slay me. What? Oh, I'm pretty sure this was a troll-fic, or a poor attempt at humor. Either way, not my cup of tea.

Stalking an Idol: Not bad. Not great either, but not bad.

Perchance: D'aww. Well that was kinda nice. Made me not hate Derpy so much too.

A Terrible Mistake: Was her dream to make Rainbow strong? Or just preform some spell she had never done. Eh, I guess I didn't really like this all that much either way.

The Last Mug of Cider: First line: yesssssss. Rest of the story: yessssss.

Pinkie Pie for Mayor!: Alas, whimsical Pinkie is brought down by crushing reality. Damn you, Mayor Mare!

Step Aside: I'm not sure what's happening—exactly—but I like it.

The Flight: I guess I should have expected a bunch of “Scootaloo can't fly” fics. Sigh.

Rainfall in Providence: Eh, it feels like this could have used my exposition. If it could have been a little longer I may have liked it more.

Pancakes and Apples: Deceptively cheery title, you sneaky bastard. Interesting, if a little weird, but I'm not entirely sure what happened.

Thirty Dollars: Fantastic. I don't know what else I can say. And that ending... just... yes.

Poachers: Okay, I guess I liked this. It certainly wasn't bad, but neither would I say it was particularly good.

Sacrifice: Meh, I guess I just don't like these canon-destroying war-fics. Oh well, it was mildly interesting to read, if nothing else.

Restoration: I didn't really fully coalesce for me until the end, but once I understood I realized I quite liked this. The end could've been a little better, but it was decent all the same.

A Sister's Pride: I guess I don't really see what the Price is. Otherwise, nicely written, and I liked the beginning quite a bit.

Yearning for Something More: It was my assumption that “The Price of a Dream” meant that a character was paying some price, either literal or metaphorical, to achieve their dream. This is like the opposite of that. Octavia is giving up her dream for a metaphorical price.

What If Rainbow Wasn't Fast Enough: Never forget...

One Last Try: Wait, we can say “fuck” in these? All right, so I liked this and I liked the story it tells quite a bit, but I can't really see how it's pertinent to ponies. Whatever, I still thought it was great.

Hearth's Warming Cards: Nice, very nice. The ending really pulled the whole thing together. I was ready to dismiss this right up until then. Damn, why can't I come up with good ideas?

My top five (in syllable order):
A Deal to Last a Lifetime
Our Separate Ways
Restoration
Like a Stone
One Last Try
>> No. 121657
>>121646
I'd like that very much. Thank you!
>> No. 121658
File 134964077019.jpg - (271.22KB , 1024x768 , 35451__rainbow-dash_grotesque_zombie_artist-imalou[1].jpg )
121658
>>121654
Why do people keep liking my stuff when I objectively hate it?
Well, thanks anyways. I suppose I can feel a little better about it now.
>> No. 121659
>>121646
I'd like one too, please.
>> No. 121661
I read 'em all and voted. Good show of quality in most of the stories.
>> No. 121663
There's a To The Moon crossover. We are pleased by this.
>> No. 121665
>>121654
I based the title off a Journey song, though the story was more inspired by this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkBe06huhio . Thanks for thinking it's second best anyways.
>> No. 121666
I only entered one, sadly. I'm disappointed in myself, but that's how things go sometimes.

Looking forward to reading them all.
>> No. 121668
>>121665
My top five were not listed in order of best to worst. They were ordered by the number of syllables in the title.That's why I said (in syllable order). It was an arbitrary system that I randomly decided upon, because I thought it would be funny.

>>121658
>Why do people keep liking my stuff when I objectively hate it?
Because you're a writer; that's just what we do. Everyone is their own worst critic.
>> No. 121670
>>121663
:D

Here's the thing--I tried to make it accessible. More than accessible; I tried to make it so that it almost doesn't matter if you're familiar with To the Moon. I'd like to hear feedback on that.
>> No. 121671
>>121654
You're overthinking it.
The price of Apple Bloom's dream is detention. The price of Applejack's dream is that she lost her helper.
>> No. 121673
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121673
>>121654
Hehe, I'll admit, I have no idea what I'm doing with those things.

And idea was executed two hours before deadline after a weird dream. And it really needed more than 750 words.

whhyyy do i suck aaaa haha aa
>> No. 121675
>>121671
So, I re-read it, and you're right; I was over thinking it. It was so simple, and so great. I actually liked this a lot more the second time around. I guess that's the problem with only giving authors my first impressions.

Oh well, I'd like you to imagine me kicking Restoration out of my top five and putting A Sister's Pride there instead. There, now you've spiritually made my top five.
>> No. 121680
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121680
>>121675
Hehe, sometimes the intention is to leave a different impression the second time around, but those kind of stories are a bit of an acquired taste, which is why my thread does not allow resubmissions. Speaking of which... >.> *vanishes*
>> No. 121695
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121695
Eventually: Need to italicize those personal thoughts, mate. Ehh, not my thing.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime: The ending fell flat, but the writing up to it was good. Relied a bit too much on fanon (Scootaloo being an orphan) for my tastes.

Essence of a Dream: Not really feeling it, I’m afraid. I seem to be in an apathetic mood today.

Making Daddy Proud: To be honest, it was boring. Also, ponies have coats, not fur.

The Locket: That bit at the end of the first part isn’t phrased liked a question, so why does it have a question mark? The writing was decent, if not particularly affecting.

If Only I Could… : Shouldn’t the question she asks herself be “Why can’t I fly?” I’m not really seeing the “Price” part of the prompt, unless you mean to imply she’s going to pay the ultimate price with her attempt to fly.

For Mommy: Ending is a little too vague. For me, Dinky just got foalnapped and now Derpy has a ransom note in her hooves. Competently written, at least.

A Painted World: Lrn 2 dialogue. Also, italicize thoughts. Interesting imagery, but confusing story. Not really seeing the tie to the prompt.

Appreciating The Other Side: Forgot to close Celestia’s dialogue with a quotation mark. Another sentence has a space between the last word and its period. “We sorry, sis.” Luna speak like five old now. Definitely needed another coat of polish. Also, lacking the ye olde Equestrian for that era.

A Simple Model: [?]How utterly evil. You got a smirk out of me, at least. Good Royal Canterlot speak as well. Almost makes up for the last story. The first story I’ve truly enjoyed so far in this contest.


Held Together By Misery: A far better version of the Rarity-is-addicted-to-making-dresses that I saw earlier. Good effort.

Voices: Interesting, but I think you’re crippled by the word limit. This felt like something that should have been built up to, not to mention how it seems more fitting for a multi-chapter story.

Confessions: Trixie’s backstory was about as rote as they come. The writing was solid, at least.

Our Separate Ways: Not bad, but not great either. ‘Fraid I don’t have a lot to add.

To Equestria: Points for originality. Writing was good, too, if not particularly amazing.

Like a Stone: Heh. Another good one. Left me wanting to know what he said to the father, too, which is a good sign.

Rendezvous: Interesting. Good writing and an enjoyable premise, if not really unique.

Supply and Demand: What is this I don’t even.

All I Want is a Friend: Rather boring writing. Another story lacking the necessary dialect of the time period.

Party Rock Anthem: Excellent. It all sounded just like Pinkie Pie and the Rock and Roll bit was great. A few mistakes but, for all I know, it’s just part of the way Pinkie thinks so you get a free pass on that. Easily some of the best stream-of-consciousness I’ve seen in a while. Only problem is that I can’t place where the prompt is.

Alex, accept this slap from me for not recognizing the workmanship in this piece.
SLAP


Stalking an Idol: A little dull, but not bad.

Perchance: I don’t see how the title works. Prompt was played straight and the writing was solid. Decent job.

A Terrible Mistake: The opening was boring and could have easily been scrapped to make room for more words. Curiosity is “piqued”, not “peaked”, unless it “reached its peak” (which would be rather strange wording). The entire story felt disjointed and rushed. The only terrible mistake was my taking the time to read it.

The Last Mug of Cider: Em-dashes, not hyphens. Also, your smart quotation is facing the wrong way (granted, I had that problem in my last story, too). Their dialogue wasn’t quite as “spiffy” as it was in the show, but decent. Overall, an okay short.

Pinkie Pie for Mayor: Wrong way to use parenthesis. Ehh, felt like it belonged in one of those syndicated magazines the Hasbro sometimes puts out with those terribad vector comics.

Step Aside: That was rather cool. Definitely put the mental image in my head with the wall evaporating. I thought it was Nightmare up until the end because of the caps, which I don’t think quite match Discord.

The Flight: “Do or die” should be hyphenated. I like her fantasy about the medal; alas, you pressed Enter during that sentence and screwed up the formatting. The ending left much to be desired, though.

Rainfall in Providence: Interesting idea, with a Greek mythology feel to it. I wish I knew what happened.

Pancakes and Apples: That was different, almost trippy. Still not quite sure about what happened; did she sleep-murder?

Thirty Dollars: Heh, deliciously dark. The ending was a perfect deadpan.

Poachers: Gonzo is a strange name. I can’t help but feel as if I’m expected to have watched on of the old gen versions of the show to understand this completely.

Sacrafice: Ehh, didn’t enjoy it. Lacked impact and development.

Restoration: This needs another round of editing. Interesting idea, but hampered by somewhat poor execution.

A Sister’s Pride: Well-written, although the ending was a tad loose.

Yearning for Something More: Didn’t really feel it. Nothing wrong with it, just never grabbed me.

What if Rainbow Wasn’t Fast Enough?: And the prize for the most spoiler-iffic title goes to… I mean, just give away the story, why don’t you. Boring and rather dumb.

One Last Try: Felt like some sort of gritty noir film. Afraid I didn’t see how it works into the prompt or MLP but the writing was good.

Hearth’s Warming Cards: Good story. A classic plot done right.
>> No. 121696
>>121695
Thank you for your thoughts, sir.

As to the title...

Hamlet, Act III, Scene I:
"To sleep: perchance to dream"
>> No. 121697
>>121695
You're not.

>>121654
My own thoughts are similar. This fic can most probably be improved.

>>121646
I'll take you up on that offer. One review, please and thanks.
>> No. 121698
>>121697
>My own thoughts are similar. This fic can most probably be improved.
>Implying that there is such a thing as a story that wouldn't need to be improved

>>121696
I care little for the bard's work, I must admit. Perhaps it is because I have never had the pleasure of working with one of his comedies but I find the style of that era to be rather thick.
>> No. 121701
Glad people are enjoying my entry! It seemed like a good use of the prompt, and I'm deeply in love with To the Moon.
>> No. 121702
>>121695
Yes, well, that was the intent. I suppose that means it worked... I guess.

I'd rather not say what I think happened. I'll leave it at ambiguous confusing.
>> No. 121704
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121704
I'm gonna post a wall of text now, kay? Now, be a good doggie and don't read my reviews 'til you read the stories, kay? I wouldn't want my reviews to influence your vote, even if my reviews are better than Faize's...

Eventually: Heh. I think all of us here can relate with Rarity’s drive for perfection. For making something that our “customers” don’t merely like, but love. That was nice. It came across to me as more of a vignette scene, but a nice one at that. Does give you that sense of quietly working an all-nighter, which again, I’m sure lots of us can relate.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime: Reek is sufficiently creepy. “Need before greed”? An MMO player, mayhaps? Shit... Deal with the devil indeed. If I had to nitpick, it’s not really clear why Scoots went to such lengths as to literally travel to Tartarus for Rainbow’s sake. Reek makes it pretty clear what the tradeoffs will be, and she accepts without batting an eye. She’s determined as hell, to be sure, but she understands she’s risking much (even if she paid more than she bargained for), and I don’t see her being that far determined in canon. Still, not much room to explore that in a minific, and everything else was lovely.

Essence of a Dream: Huh. This was an interesting one. Who was Weaver? Why was he and especially Twilight in Pinkie’s dreams? What was Weaver’s intent in showing this to Twilight? And why was Pinkie so allegedly frightened of a Party-Of-One style reality that she’d want to hide in dreams forever? We just sorta end before any of these can be addressed. I’d like to see the rest of this story, but as a minific it sorta suffers.

Making Daddy Proud: There’s a little bit of a telling problem in this one. “She felt like she needed to earn his love.” I mean, just right out the bat, here’s how Trixie feels because the narrator said so. You’re a little stuck because of the wordcount, and it would be difficult to cram in a showing example without going over the wordcount, I understand, but—AHH! AUTHOR! NO! That last line, c’mon. :( That’d be if like you were watching Star Wars Episode IV in the theater, and the Death Star blew up, and then I steal a handful of your popcorn and loudly explain, “See, Luke was able to save the day by trusting in the Force.” It’s already apparent, so the extra “explanation” does nothing but hurt. Aside from the telling, it was nice, but this premise is unfortunately a bit cliche even outside of MLP.

The Locket: I got thrown a bit because for some reason, I assumed that the [hr] was a flashback rather than a flashforward. Not sure why, because it reads perfectly fine in hindsight. Shrug. Interestingly, it’s not clear whether the MC is Trixie, or if Trixie was the “great and powerful” previous owner. I say “interesting” because in a way, it doesn’t matter—the G&P legacy is still being handed down. That said, a costume is more important to her than a memento of her mother’s love plus all of her bits? That could arguably fit Trixie’s character, but it’s a bit jarring.

If Only I Could...: Aww. Subconscious, y u troll Scoots so hard?! “If she wanted to fly, she couldn’t afford to be chicken anymore.” Heehee, author, you’re a card. Oh. Um. Okay, so my copy of the fic appears to cut out midway through. We’ve got exposition and rising action, but just before the climax, my copy ends suddenly. I’ll ask Roger what’s up... I kid, of course. Ending on a cliffhanger (pun intended) isn’t bad per se, but it just doesn’t feel like the story actually hit the climax yet. Not to start an author-fight, but I remember another entry from the Cutting Ties write-off about learning to fly. IIRC the author mentioned considering a cliffhanger ending too. But that story had built up toward the final flight for a while, such that the flight was a proper climax. In this one, Scoots just kinda had a nightmare and chucked herself off a cliff. o_O

For Mommy: Diamond Tiara getting her flank kicked: I’m okay with this. After she said that? Double okay with this. Wait, what? Why is a doctor coming up to a filly and asking for help gathering ingredients for a... Oh. Oh. Well shit, that got dark out of nowhere. No, really, there was no arc to the story. It was more of a “BTW, that guy hanging around the schoolyard? Turns out he’s a creeper who fillynapped Dinky.” Err, that is what happened, right? The ending is awfully vague, but I assume that’s what the letter was about, given Derpy’s reaction. Dunno, without an arc, this story just kinda... happened.

A Painted World: Aww, Dashie’s just a big old softy! Too rough’n’tough to admit she enjoys a good sunset. Though it’s quite a surprise that she’s just chillin’ the with the princesses o.O ...Huh. I think I lost the metaphor at the end there, though I’m suspecting that the fault lies with the reader and not the author on that one. It was pretty! Just kinda wish I understood what it was about.

Appreciating The Other Side: Hmm. I mean, it’s a nice, tearful telling of Luna’s banishment. But it’s a story that most of us have presumed since watching S1E1. I mean, it doesn’t really feel like the author did enough to make this story their own. Especially in the context of a prompt situation like this, the author could have spun the story a bit more... I suppose this is “the price of Celestia’s dream to keep Equestria safe”, but that’s a bit obvious when banishing your sister is involved. This was nice but the author could’ve done more to make it their own.

A Simple Model: Okay... Another Nightmare Moon fic. Nothing against you, author, it’s just that there seem to be a lot of repeating themes in this contest. Being placed back to back with another NMM fic on the website didn’t help. ...OH. OKAY. Subverted expectations. Literal prompt. Twilestia apropos of nothing. Author, I’d punch you if I wasn’t laughing so much. On the flipside, the subversion kinda falls apart on the second read. (Luna’s grinning insanely? Celestia’s considers banishing Luna over a tax?) Still, I doubt this fic intends to be more than a punchline, and I lol’d, so mission accomplished.

Held Together By Misery: Ouch. Misery indeed. There’s plenty of fics out there that are like “Dash achieves her dreams and doesn’t have time for friends” (no offense if there’s one in this contest that I haven’t read yet...) but I’ve not seen it done with Rarity before, and it seems much more realistic. Accomplishing your life’s dream, only to find out that every part of it sucks, you’ve become a completely different pony, and you have to continually convince yourself that you’re actually happy. Wait, no, no time to convince yourself; thinking is distracting. Bleh. Why is it that I keep really enjoying the bleak fics?

Voices: Hmm, I ended up getting confused a bit by this too. Too many OCs tossed at me in 750 words. The names and relationships kinda blur together even after a few reads. Where are we? We’re traveling to an “oasis” so we’re in the desert? Though there’s also wild animals. Still, on the flipside, this is sufficiently creepy. Bleakness, death, hope in the hooves of a madpony. And the implication at the end is a tough one vs. many choice, though slightly undermined (or possibly dramatically twisted?) by the fact that the “deal” is with his own diseased brain. It was an impressive amount of worldbuilding for 750 words, but perhaps overly ambitious in that regard (i.e. better saved for a longer wordcount).

Confessions: Wow. The beginning was a touch vanilla in its Trixie-meets-everypony-again-and-apologizes nature, but I got completely blindsided by the reveal. *goes to reread a bit* Err, actually very blindsided. Kudos to the author on the hint of only six ponies at the table, but... They’re asking Trixie how business is going? They’re making amends for turning Rarity’s hair green? Trixie’s lamenting her sad, lonely life at the orphanage? Um, hello? Rainbow just died. It doesn’t seem appropriate for either side to be humoring these topics right now. Now on the flipside, Pinkie’s outburst? The sudden reveal? (Yes I know, I’m hypocritically both liking and hating that). Trixie’s angst at Dash’s sacrifice to save worthless ol’ Trixie? I liked that part. I would’ve liked to see more focus on that part. Why do I keep liking all the bleak fics what is wrong with me.

Our Separate Ways: Okay, I know that I’m being twelve here, but... Rock Solid? Anyway... “to dwell more angrily in misery” meh. Aww :( This was touching. We all want what’s best for our friends, but sometimes that means they’ll move beyond us. And unlike in the human world, he literally can’t follow, being an earth pony (unless she doesn’t mind a commute from the ground, I guess). Then you throw potential feelings into the mix, and bleh.

To Equestria: TO THE MOON CROSSOVER OMFG YES YES YES TO THE MOON [email protected]$#%&# *Eva resets the memory.* Ahem. Interesting hook, though right away it feels to be pandering in the same way as a My Little Dashie. Then again, maybe that’ll be the point? Some sort of brony wish-fulfilment deconstruction? Well, let’s read and find out... Oh Luna it is, haha! Dr. Watts, of all people, giving his commentary to... that. The characterizations of Eva and Neil seemed solid to me. Props for tackling a crossover in a minific. Three questions come to mind. First, his wish was to get to second-base (I hope that’s all... it did say his pony lover) with Fluttershy, and his wife seemed okay—nay, happy—that he got his wish. Second, to those not familiar with the source, I’m questioning how much they’d enjoy this. I mean, I think there’s enough context for them to figure out what happened, but a large part of my enjoyment was because I knew Neil’s character so I enjoyed his reaction. I also understand the full ramifications of the memory scene, which you’d need to play at least part of the game to understand. So yeah, I’m curious to see what people who haven’t played TtM thought. Third, this story takes place like fifty years in the future. He gave them Fluttershy blind-bags? With the butch haircut? Implying a better blind-bag Fluttershy was never released? This story is tragic.

Okay, I guess the overarching theme of this post is, if you want me to like your story, make it bleak, kay? Anyway, it’s time for bed now, but I’ll finish the rest of the stories before the end of the week, kay?
>> No. 121705
>>121704
She didn't go there for Rainbow's sake, she went for her own. She's always been infatuated by Rainbow Dash, so she employs their "service" to achieve her dream of being with Rainbow Dash. Reek only says that she'll lose a dream in exchange, never which one it'll be. A known quantity in exchange for an unknown result.

>Deal with the devil indeed
Reek is but one of many desk jockeys. He barely registers as a minor tormentor since his paperwork is only mildly annoying to fill out.

Here be my version of the untold ending:
With Dash having to take care of Scootaloo, she also loses her dream of becoming a Wonderbolt. Scootaloo is greedy since she's serving her own self-interests, so his warning comes to fruition. She never considers what impact it would have on Dash.
>> No. 121708
Clarification on the ending: As a few of you guessed, the stallion took advantage of Dinky's love of her mother in order to kidnap her. In other words, the price of Dinky's dream—for Derpy to not be teased and insulted—was Dinky's own safety. The letter that Derpy received was indeed a ransom note.

As for the vagueness, I apologize. It was the last minific I submitted that day. In my tiredness, the kidnapping struck me as overly dark, so I thought I could soften the blow somehow by being open-ended and vague. Upon rereading today, I agree that this backfired.

Also, for Alex and anyone else who are confused by Derpy's last line, in several Derpy/Dinky fics, it's become common for Derpy to call Dinky by the nickname "Muffin". I failed to explain this bit of fanon in my fic, which is my fault again. So, Derpy gasps Dinky's nickname after receiving her ransom note. She did not, in fact, receive a flyer for a bakery sale, no matter how hilariously non-sequitur that ending may be.
>> No. 121709
>>121704

>the opening
Yeah, that was meant to be a slightly humorous jab at the whole My Little Dashie attitude. It lightens the tone, I think.

>his wife
And that was just bad planning. Yeah, when I stop to think about it, that's one VERY extensive modification they did... who knows what was lost...

>the blind bag Fluttershys
They're vintage.
>> No. 121710
>>121695
Delightful. At this rate, "Most Controversial" is as good as mine. I'm glad the stream-of-consciousness worked!

Prompt connection: Pinkie followed her dream of leaving the rock farm and becoming Ponyville's premiere party pony. The price was that, after repressing her heritage and upbringing for so long, it finally bubbled to the surface, unlocked all her old knowledge of rock trivia, and ultimately triggered a mental breakdown.
>> No. 121730
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121730
Read these all on Sunday. Not even one story about Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts. A few that were close, but well done everybody nonetheless.

Here are some thoughts.

Eventually Or "Rarity Makes a Dress"
A competent little vignette. I'm not generally one for vignettes, but I can appreciate what you did here.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime Or "Scootaloo Buys a Dream"
I liked the atmosphere. Plot was rather predictable, but I still felt a little pang when I got to the end.

Essence of a Dream Or "Twilight Goes Down the Rabbithole"
Didn't really dig it. Super-telly, been done better before, etc...

Making Daddy Proud Or "Trixie Tries to Impress Her Father"
A bit too telly and certainly quite predictable. I suppose it's a cute little bit of fluff.

The Locket Or "Trixie Buys a Cloak"
Why would she do that? Why would she trade such an important keepsake for a cloak? Surely she could make more money somehow? I think this needs more setup to work. It feels forced as-is.

If Only I Could… Or "Scootaloo Tries to Fly"
And then she died. I've read far too many fics about this same thing, and this is far from the best one. Cliffhanger ending doesn't really add anything.

For Mommy Or "Dinky Picks a Fight"
This was upsetting. Kinda felt like sad for the sake of sad, I'm afraid. I loled heartily at alexmagnet's review... that particular piece of fanon is so entrenched for me that I wouldn't even have thought of asking you to explain it, but I suppose Derpy and Dinky stories are a mite bit vintage these days.

A Painted World Or "Rainbow Dash Has a Dream or Something (It's Not Very Clear)"
I didn't really like this one. It was confusing, you have incorrect dialogue punctuation (just look in a book) and the writing was kinda bleh in some places. Imagery doesn't really do it for me.

Appreciating The Other Side Or "Celestia Banished Luna to the Moon"
A vanilla "Nightmare Moon's Banishment" fic. This story didn't really need to be told.

A Simple Model Or "Celestia and Luna Disagree"
A vanilla – oh wait, nope, fakeout. That was fairly amusing. Twilestia out of nowhere kinda ruins it for me, but I'm sure it would heighten others' amusement. I think you accomplished what you set out to do.

Held Together By Misery Or "Rarity Makes a Dress 2: Angst Edition"
This was certainly more dramatic than Eventually. It's the kind of story that I predicted would come out of this prompt, but you certainly pull it off with some flair.

Voices Or "Too Many OCs Do Too Many Things"
Needs to be longer. I'm sure I'd love this story if it had about ten times as many words, but as-is it's just busy and confusing.

Confessions Or "Trixie Has a Conversation With Five Others"
I spent the entire story waiting to see who wasn't there, and you delivered. Kinda sad for sad's sake, though, and stretches believability a whole lot – I mean, Dash died, and this is how her friends act? It's a little difficult to swallow.

Our Separate Ways Or "OC Pony Mans Up"
An OC story that really uses ponies as its characters – now that's something I like. The plot was cliche, certainly, but it was a cute story nonetheless.

To Equestria Or "Brony Dies"
I didn't even realise it was a crossover until someone told me, which I count as a good thing – I'd say this is accessible. Other than that, seemed a bit weird that his wife was okay with his final wish being to kiss Fluttershy. That kinda soured the moment for me.

Like a Stone Or "OC Pony Falls"
This one... I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I like the idea and love the tone. It's like the sort of thing I write when I'm doing original fiction. On the other hand, there we go, original fiction. Not only does this not benefit from being about ponies, but it would make better original fiction.

Rendezvous Or "Celestia Has a Dream"
Discord and Celestia shipping is one of those odd things that feels like it should be a cliche, but outside of these write-offs I don't think I've ever actually read a fic about it. This was a bit straightforward and doesn't really stay with me, but I guess you achieved what you were going for.

Supply and Demand Or "OC Pony Buys a CD"
Nope. This wasn't pony – trying to make it pony was totally ludicrous given all the references to modern technology – and didn't amuse me.

All I Want is a Friend Or "Luna Is Lonely" Or "Darkness 2: Electric Boogaloo"
Luna becomes NMM played totally straight. Didn't interest me.

Party Rock Anthem Or "Pinkie Thinks in Memes" Or "Pinkie Thinks About Rocks"
Most controversial for sure. My feelings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hOkRl_SZdo This was an interesting one for sure. Going in, I expected to hate a story with that title, but I see what you did there. Pretty clever. You didn't need the meme references though. I wanted to hate it for those.

Stalking an Idol Or "Obvious Character Meets Her Hero"
Did what it set out to do. Can't complain. Don't really have much else to say.

Perchance Or "Derpy Does Something Right"
I suppose that dream cost her a pound of flesh? I'm so hilarious. I liked this one – clever stuff with the weather games. Shame, poor Derpy.

A Terrible Mistake Or "Twilight Messes Up a Spell"
I preferred The Star in Yellow. This was really a bit ridiculous and more than a little pointless.

The Last Mug of Cider Or "Flim and Flam Drink Cider"
I don't like the fanon that the cider's alcoholic, but I suppose enough Coke gives you liver cirrhosis too. An alright little piece, not really much to say about it.

Pinkie Pie for Mayor Or "Pinkie Throws a (Political) Party"
Felt a little like a cut-away gag in Family Guy. Cute, I guess, but a bit bland and not really memorable.

Step Aside Or "Celestia Is Tempted"
Still not sure if Discord or Nightmare Moon. Interesting abuse of smallcaps.

The Flight Or "Scootaloo Tries to Fly 2: Electric Boogaloo"
At least this one doesn't have a . in its title. I honestly preferred the other story about this same concept we got. This was far too predictable.

Rainfall in Providence Or "Celestia and Luna are Cast Out"
I liked this one. Took a bit of time to get a handle on it, but there's something about the idea of Celly and Luna being cast out of Paradise and down to the earth like so many Greek demigods or the Dragon in Revelation 12:7-9 that fascinates me. Great idea.

Pancakes and Apples Or "Applejack Goes to Breakfast" Or "Carrothulhu 2: Now With Apples"
Well that was a trip. I liked Carrothulhu a bit more, but this had a certain charm to it as well.

Thirty Dollars Or "Brony in Equestria Faints"
That was silly.

Poachers Or "Rarity Finds Gems and More"
Hmm. That was interesting, but the second half felt a little rushed.

Sacrifice Or "Celestia and Luna Fight Discord"
That one semicolon should be a comma. Still, I kinda liked this one. You did what you set out to. It's not quite how my headcanon says the story goes, but I think it's an interesting interpretation.

Restoration Or "Obvious Character Does Mad Science"
Crazy Twilight is crazy. Not really sure what to say about this one. It doesn't really feel original, it's a bit morbid for me to take it as pony without a little hesitation, and I think some context might be nice, but I'm not sure.

A Sister’s Pride Or "Apple Bloom Gets Her Cutie Mark"
I think my brain derped on the ending, because I absolutely cannot make sense of it. AB got her cutie mark in detention, and then suddenly she was in the orchard? Applejack was there? Huh? Not a bad story otherwise.

Yearning for Something More Or "Octavia Plays Music" Or "Octavia's Potential"
It's pretty much Lyra's Potential but with Octavia – a predictable plot about a young person struggling with her ambitions vs what's expected of her. Doesn't really do anything to make itself stand out, but it's alright for what it is.

What if Rainbow Wasn’t Fast Enough? Or "Rainbow Dash Fails"
That's a pretty bleurgh title. The grim reaper dream felt rather silly – points for trying to make the idea your own, but I still didn't really dig it.

One Last Try Or "OC Pony Picks a Fight"
Confusing. Not pony. Redheart was a bad choice of name, given the nurse. I don't see the point.

Hearth’s Warming Cards Or "The Cutie Mark Crusaders Send Each Other Cards"
I liked it. I really did. The idea wasn't totally original, but you pulled it off really nicely. Well done.

Out of interest, here's a GDoc I made with the character spread (spoilers, obviously)
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Atn4pJH59KM5dDNSWEhEUk5IcGloSWRhS0ZkN21sUmc#gid=0

Looks like Celly and Woona are winning.
>> No. 121731
>>121695
>>121704
>>121730
>Story needs to be longer

Yeah, I had the same impression. Took me about a half hour to write it, and another hour to shorten it so that it fit. I am currently in the process of expanding it for use after the write-off, but it was my best--and only decent--idea so I just had to run with it.

For those interested, the OCs in my story
Night Strider - Stallion - Unicorn
Feather Leaf - Mare - Pegasus


Stonebuck - Mare - Earth Pony
Silvershine - Stallion - Unicorn


Thunderstreak - Stallion - Pegasus
Grass Blade - Mare - Earth Pony
>> No. 121736
As far as clearing up the ambiguity in Rainfall, the best I can sum up is this:

Atmos and Her Majesty are minor gods. Upon hearing the sound of children's laughter on the wind, she get's the idea to have a daughter. Celestia is born shortly after that with something of a birth defect, her horn. Fast-forward an indeterminate amount of time and they now have two daughters, and Celestia has unlocked a powerful magic. In doing so, or for another reason entirely unrelated, she kills their parents. The deed gets them casted out, branded forever as enemies of the gods never to return to their homeland.

It says something about the modern-day Cutie Mark, albiet a very dark origin story for something that seems so innocent. The horn, also, becomes a symbol, foreshadowing that great and evil deed.
>> No. 121740
>>121730
I was worried that this wouldn't be obvious.
Apple Bloom was never dreaming. The whole thing was Applejack's. A dream within a dream...
>> No. 121742
>>121730
I love how your review boils down to "Uhh... well... yeah...kinda morbid..."

When I was finished writing I was like: "Hmm, perhaps this could use more context." But, it was getting late and I decided to just submit it as is. I tried to provide at least some context though.
>The accident had really done a number on them
The idea being that Twilight accidentally killed all her friends and it unhinged her. I didn't want to come right out and say she killed them, but I was trying to show how she had become obsessed with bringing them back. Hence her detachment from the kidnapping, and subsequent killing, of many test subjects.

Nevertheless, it was fun to write this. I always enjoy dealing with madness and insanity.
>> No. 121744
I stopped myself from writing entries about:

>Rarity leaving friends or family behind to pursue her dream

I should've known that these contests never have an overload of fics on the same theme. I thought this was too obvious. I still think so.

>Zecora or someone charging a fee to administer drugs that give dreams that are prescient, that recall cherished or lost memories, or that are just pleasant.

I didn't want to do rhymes again, but I realized eventually that it didn't have to be Zecora, but by then it was late and I was out of motivation.

So I wish I had written those fics.

And just now I had a great idea that I wish I'd written.

Scootaloo learns to fly via magic or cybernetic enhancement.

God dammit that's a GREAT idea I wish I'd done it.
>> No. 121751
>>121744

>Scootaloo learns to fly via magic or cybernetic enhancement.

Darn it, Tac, that was my minific entry into your competition.
>> No. 121759
I should have written
>The Price of Latex
In which, Rainbow Dash covers herself in latex and dreams about being a Wonderbolt.
I'll enter next time. Maybe.
>> No. 121760
>>121759
You forgot the part where Pinkie stumbles in and mistakes Dash for having a latex fetish.
>> No. 121761
File 134976301876.png - (0.96MB , 987x650 , c785e3dfa98cebb23586087da3082769[1].png )
121761
I wrote some more reviews, kay? I might as well string this along toward the autosage, rather than doing a single review post like everyone else, kay?

Like a Stone: I’m not sure. I do like the life story told by metaphor, and life-flashing-before-eyes is kinda a nice touch. On the other hand, the whole “I’m falling to my death but I have time to think about metaphors because I’m a writer” comes across a bit, idk, hipster-haughty? With a dash of http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MostWritersAreWriters . Maybe that’s just me. On the flipside, the whole “I made it far in life for a loser like me”, while slightly wangst, is also touching and feels very real. I was just thinking on the ride home from work that the show does a nice job of that too, like that one time Twilight won fifth place. Winning first place is often cheesy; fifth place is real. If I’m reading this right, MC asked for permission to marry Chrissy, and her dad defenestrated him? Is... that really common in Equestria? Speaking of, as is often the risk in OC stories, I’m not really seeing much pony. Dunno, while there’s a lot of things that I was iffy on, I still overall liked the story, and I’m not certain I can fully explain why.

Rendezvous: To one extent, this doesn’t tread too much new ground in terms of a Discord/Celestia fic. But I liked it. It took what it had and tuned it quite specifically to the prompt, an issue I mentioned with previous fics. Not merely with the reminiscing of old times, but their respective pleading to “convert” the other, and their inability to compromise their values any more. The last paragraph really worked for me.

Supply and Demand: CD’s? They usually use records in the show, but eh, schizo tech. Hmm, random forth wall joke, excellent line by the mother, completely over-the-top reactions by Patter. I’m liking it! Hmm, he’s absconding... after using brick-kind?



Okay, I’m going to stop you right there. “He called upon his musical theatrical spirit and leapt up to the second floor.” ...I’m sorry, but that's beautiful. And then the ending, just... wow. This humor is just bizarre and I love it. Author, let’s be friends. That said, other reviewers astutely pointed out that there’s really not much pony here, so I’m forced to dock you a bit.


All I Want is a Friend: ”If there had been at least one pony paying attention to her performance, then it would have been worth it.” Mmm, yes. I know that feel. The paragraph starting with “Luna remained quiet...” is just telling and breaks the flow that you’ve been building. Oh, hmm. So was this the first creation of NMM? For some reason when reading this, I assumed that we were present day, since she seemed to know the “vile apparition” well. That was interesting, though. I kinda wanted to hate your version of Luna for being such a wet noodle, but on the flipside, it kinda worked for me, how frail and weak she was. By which I mean, that even in sacrificing part of herself to get what she wanted, she’s still uncertain and ambivalent if that’s what she even really wants, and is just sorta blowing along in the wind. Kinda a sad tale.

Party Rock Anthem: Whoa, brakes, stahp. Stream-of-conscious Pinkie Pie. Wow, the cojones on this author... Whatever the outcome, I commend you for trying! Okay, lemme brace myself mentally, annnnd go. Um, not bad! This sounds legitly like Pinkie to me, or at least, is properly mentally exhausting :P Oh, author. Pinkie said “Ah” and Applejack said “I”. I see what you did there. Heh, okay, this is bizarre. I like bizarre. Eh, the basalt thing seems more forced/contrived than the rest of the “triggers”. Oh Celestia, that final punch line. XD Not bad, not bad. It certainly appeals to my horrible unique sense of humor. Unfortunately, not to start an author fight, but I feel like Supply and Demand did the bizarro humor better. But I did like this one too! Plus it managed with a mane character, and stream-of-conscious, no less.

Stalking an Idol: “You’re just saying that. Everyone says that, but very few really do." / She shook her head. “No, I'm different from the others.” Feels. :( This was a nice little scene. It does leave questions. I mean, obviously we know whether or not Spitfire achieves her dreams, but what of Cosmic’s warnings? Does Spitfire fall to a similar fate? Granted, the author made the right call in not trying to stuff that conclusion into this minific; story would’ve suffered from that. But, this could easily expand into a bigger story. Like, maybe not multichapter longfic, but like, the 4k to 10k range. Y’know. Anyway, liked it.

Perchance: Ow, this one hurt. :( Naturally the events felt “off” to me, and even Derpy was commenting to that effect, but the reveal still had some barbs to it, in a good way. I did like the second challenge; first time I’ve encountered that challenge in a fanfic, personally. By the third challenge, the story got drier and less descriptive, but I think that was intentional effect to show the dream effect breaking up. (If it wasn’t, bank error in your favor!) I’m kinda curious the exact nature of Twilight’s spell... I’m assuming it was some sort of lucid dream aid, since Derpy needed Twilight’s help yet Twilight didn’t know the specifics of the dream—but clearly I’m overanalyzing that part :P There’s been a few fics that literally went into dreams, but this is the first so far to actually give me the sads, and I commend the author for that.

A Terrible Mistake: The paragraph starting with “Expelling a breath of frustration” just strikes me as textbook rushed. We basically have three different emotions in four sentences of that paragraph, if you count the dialogue. Hard to avoid in a minific, but just something to watch for. Eh, a fic centered on “Twilight messes up a spell.” We were just discussing on IRC if there’s such a thing as an idea that’s too cliche, or if any idea can be redeemable through execution. I claimed the latter, but “TMUAP” falls dangerously close to the former :P Unfortunately, this execution doesn’t really help it either. Dangerous spellbook left available for checkout in the library, and Twilight uses a friend as a guinea pig: both are overdone, and uncharacteristic of Equestria/Twilight respectively. Jumping ahead in time and saying “oh, btw, this awful stuff happened to Dash during the scene I didn't show you” doesn’t do you any favors for the story arc, either. Sorry, this one just had a lot of things not in its favor.
>> No. 121783
>>121704
Ah, I'm glad someone picked up on that.
I left it intentionally ambiguous as to whether or not the narrator was Trixie. In my mind what was important was the fact that the legacy was carried on, not whether it was Trixie or some kind of heir. As for why she would give up her locket and all her money for some hat and cloak, well I struggled with that too. By the time I finished I was asking myself why she should give up so much for so little. So, constrained by the word count, I came up with a rather extruded reason. When the old guy opens the locket and finds the note where it says: "Aim for the stars.", it was my intent to show that the narrator's mother had given her the locket as a reminder to always follow her dreams, no matter the cost. Yes, it's quite a lot to glean from four words, and I probably could have done it better, but there you go.

Also, at the beginning, I was trying to imply that her mother had died and that's why she had left her home. Not sure if that came across, but I didn't want to be cliche and just have her say to the old guy "My mom died, boohoo." Though, I guess that doesn't make it any less cliche just because I didn't say it. Oh well, I hope that this little vignette was enjoyable at least. If I had another hundred words I probably could have made a more believable case for her giving up everything for some clothes.

Trixie is best pony...
>> No. 121790
Reviews!

Eventually: Straightforward use of prompt. Pretty good writing. Not an exciting idea.

A Deal: Yes. This one is the first to go into the "top of the list" category.

Essence of a Dream: The way this whole situation works is confusing. I don't really see how the whole thing makes sense aside from what was straight-up told to me in exposition. Respectable process, but messy.

Making Daddy Proud: The first half of this is exposition and telling--boring. As I went through that part, I wondered why you would want to tell the story that way. The ending was predictable and the last line was horrendous.

The Locket: I want to nitpick the fuck out of the writing here. Not satisfied the "price" nor the execution of what symbolizes the "dream." Next.

If Only I Could: THE TENSE DERP. ARGH IT HURTS. Not the worst idea, but it doesn't satisfyingly built up to the resolution i.e. the start doesn't link to the "punchline" properly. Next.

For Mommy. Took me a while to understand this one. Dear god you are a horrible person. Is that you, Minjask?
>> No. 121791
Painted World: I'm a sucker for well-deployed purple. I also didn't understand this. If this is just Luna shipping, I'll smack you. Next.

The Other Side: I respect this, and the ending lines are very nice. However, I'm not pleased by the way this rides on that one thing with that fanon idea about the stuff. Ugh.

Simple Model: I was about to say something terribly dismissive and condescending about this being just a straightforward telling, but then dat twist. I'm so happy about this entry. :D

Held Together: Again, I respect this, but it's too straightforward, and you should've been a little more cautious about making Rarity unsympathetic.

Voices: FIrst off, this isn't pony. It also doesn't have a clear direction--just this kind of survival atmosphere, some nice OCs, some idea of a plot. It doesn't have a resolution, a meaning, or anything. It doesn't tell us why it was written.

Confessions: You know how I keep saying "I can respect this?" That's not true for this one. I'm probably biased because this is the third in a line of bad Trixie entries. This does one thing right: It leaves the question of who's missing hanging, then throws the answer dramatically.

Separate Ways: This didn't have a twist, but it was sweet. Followed a nice structure. I guess this is going on the upper part of the list just by virtue of me actually liking so few of the entries so far...
>> No. 121793
File 134982457415.jpg - (26.36KB , 322x217 , glados_yousounddumb.jpg )
121793
>>121790
>>121791
ITT, Tac tries to be a bigger critic than he really is.
>> No. 121794
To Equestria: Other commentors, and the author himself, got it right. This was one of the refreshing entries with a unique direction, but it's marred by a bad decision or two.

Like a Stone: I can't criticize this, dammit. I'm not sure how much I love the concept, but it's such a nice little story with such a likable voice for the protagonist.

Rendezvous: Again, something that completely leans on a very specific piece of fanon. That's not how fanfiction should be done.

Supply and Demand: Not pony. I have a lot of little criticisms for this, but the sense of humor is solid. Thank you for writing this. I actually physically laughed, which has to count for something.

All I Want: *sigh* at least this one is cleanly written. Unsatisfying ending, unfortunately.

Party Rock: This is hard to read, but it's got a nice personality to it. Refreshing, you might say, after... what the rest of this has been like. Unfortunately, I don't get the ending. Rock? Discord... rock? Pinkie's scared of... Okay author, I'm gonna go read your explanation. You owe me one.

...Okay, that's a good idea, but you should do something to make it clear.

Stalking: Was that meant to be a reveal at the end? Come on. A lot of what happened here was kind of generic, and you had all the space in the world to throw in a straightforward prompt link about what Spitfire had to give up. An unfortunate flubbed use of second sexiest pony after Cloudchaser.

Perchance: Yep, this is going into the "top" category.

Terrible Mistake: This thing was utterly ruined by time constraints, I can tell. Besides the jarring darkness, the idea of the time travel was clumsily delivered and didn't make sense, because where was she in the beginning of the fic?

The Last Mug: Nice hook! Somepony handing out reviews is gonna call this out as being straightforward and boring. Screw them. This was sweet and well executed.

Pinkie Pie for Mayor: The format hurt this one, but I see the idea. You should've tried to build Pinkie up high, before dropping her really hard. I'm glad that the repeat ideas are slowing down now, though.

Step Aside: Please dear Faust not a FOURTH one... Oh I see. Okay, this was... I dunno. I'm finding it hard to formulate an opinion. The execution is okay, though I'm not super happy with the present tense.
>> No. 121795
>>121793

Excuse me, Kurbz, but you can take your condescending smugness and fuck off. People like to read comments like these; they ask for them, they reply to them, and they get disappointed when there aren't many of them. And if that's just me, then I'm only doing unto others, as it were.

These comments are part of the enjoyment of the event.

Fuck. You.
>> No. 121797
File 134982642136.jpg - (46.19KB , 604x453 , 1349182113101.jpg )
121797
>>121795

I like the way you come back at niggas. It's empowering. You're empowering. You're the new leader. Congratulations.
>> No. 121801
>>121797

If it's all the same to you, I think I'll pretend this post never happened.

Will finish reading probably tonight.
>> No. 121802
>>121797
That picture is great.

>>121795
How do you know it's Kurbz?
>> No. 121814
File 134983506387.png - (181.07KB , 455x356 )
121814
>>121793
>>121795

Jeez, guys, what's with the attitudes?

Seriously, cut that out. There's no need to carry on like that.
>> No. 121816
>>121790
>Took me a while to understand this one.
Yeah, that's been the general consensus.

>Dear god you are a horrible person.
Yeah :(

>Is that you, Minjask?
No :(
>> No. 121819
File 134983762256.png - (112.32KB , 434x398 , 132631850347.png )
121819
>>121814
What the—?
Wow, first off: My apologies, this(>>121793) was me, and I didn't mean to anon post, I had previously made an anon post elsewhere and forgot to fix the name field.

Second: I apologize once again. It was intended to be a joke, so I'm sorry if I offended anypony. Sorry, Tac ;_;

Third: I must apologize to !!PinkiePie for creating this situation.

My bad, guys.

>>121790
(sigh) You write one story about Derpy getting kidnapped and suddenly you're the go to culprit for stories like these. No, that wasn't me; I learned that lesson a while ago.
>> No. 121820
File 134983868705.png - (185.85KB , 2488x1674 )
121820
>>121819

S'okay by me, mate. Nobody's getting in trouble for this.

Anyways, in the interest of not derailing, I'll be off now. Looking forward to the next write-off when it happens.
>> No. 121821
>>121820
Before you go, have any of the entries caught your eye? Always interesting to know what a mod thinks of our little contests.
>> No. 121823
File 134983931836.png - (233.55KB , 408x712 , Cheek Teeth 01.png )
121823
>>121821

Trying to get me to read fanfiction, are you? Clever girl...

Meh, it's better than dumping $20 on more escapism Torchlight II. I'll start reading, then.
>> No. 121824
File 134983941771.jpg - (43.61KB , 500x852 , 98484 - Cupcakes it pinkie_pie tagme.jpg )
121824
>>121823
:D
>> No. 121826
File 134984198933.jpg - (31.64KB , 449x595 , 1274842407780.jpg )
121826
>>121823
>What if Ion was a girl
>pic related
>> No. 121827
File 134984249023.png - (427.80KB , 450x585 , tumblr_m2lpwcVfZZ1qewacoo1_500[1].png )
121827
>>121826
>> No. 121830
File 134984436596.jpg - (47.85KB , 484x512 , 1345531238354.jpg )
121830
>>121827
>> No. 121835
>>121823
>>121821

>luring PinkieMod into reading the contest

I'm impressed, sir.
>> No. 121837
File 134984779423.gif - (805.48KB , 500x278 , KGK5e.gif )
121837
>>121835
I try.
>> No. 121840
The Flight: Obvious idea. Well executed at least. I am as sorry as you are that my ability to enjoy it is hampered by the fact that it's kind of in a crowded category.

Rainfall in Providence: I want to love this. I want to love the shit out of this. But I spent the first half of the fic wondering what the story was behind Celestia having a husband. Then, I thought we were looking at the king and queen of the pegasi in pre-HWE society. The moment where you reveal that they conceived Celestia was good. The ending was unsatisfying without us knowing the reason why Celestia fought her parents. Also, did Luna willfully follow her sister's fall from heaven? That's a good idea, but it wasn't communicated properly if that was the idea. Please, I want you to write this again, but this time spend 2000 words on it instead of 600.

Pancakes and Apples: Very nice writing. The confusion and atmosphere do their work from start to finish. Then the ending gives an abstract sort of wrap-up and doesn't change anything. I looked through for a possible explanitory post from you, but I disagree that there's some kind of good meaning that I could be expected to glean here. Yeah, the idea that she's sleep-murdering seems to make the most sense.

Thirty Dollars: This is absolutely adorable.

Poachers: This is nice, but I don't get the reference.

Sacrifice: I love the idea. You mostly did it justice. The closing line hurt you; you could've done much better. This might rank in my top few; won't be able to decide until I'm done reading.

Restoration: A cool, creepy mad scientist story... and then it's Twilight and her friends are dead? Sorry, this didn't make any sense at all until I read your explanation in this thread. I think you should actually rewrite and publish this. You'll need to break up the long long LONG exposition--perhaps turn it into an actual narrative of her running about in her lab doing experiments, maybe twisted and sadistic ones--but this would be a really nice little grimdark if fixed up.

A Sister's Pride: Lemmee get this straight: The message is that Applejack wants Applebloom to get her cutie mark just as much as Applebloom herself does? That's adorable. If only I were more certain of it.

Yearning: One: This fights against canon regarding cutie marks. Two: This is hurt by how cliche the story is. There is one thing that I like about this--the fact that her teacher had a dream too. There's the implication that giving something up in order to be a proper society pony is something that everypony all around is doing. However, even this idea wasn't executed that well.

What If: I want to grab this story by the adjectives and completely recombobulate it. You completely flub a possible moment with Rarity's death, you have this pointless hooded figure and dream sequence as a vehicle for exposition, and your title is awful. Nice idea, but the feeling that it could've been much better just bugs the hell out of me.

One Last Try: This has such a cool little voice to it, and no apparent reason. Another of these fics that just feels like a waste.

Hearth's Warming Cards: This flowed so nicely that I didn't stop on anything to criticize. This one was really sweet and heartwarming. I guess the one thing is that I don't really get the very ending bit with the toolbag.
>> No. 121842
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121842
Top picks:
Hearth's Warming Cards
A Deal to Last a Lifetime
The Last Mug
Perchance
Simple Model

Honorable mentions:
Thirty Dollars
Like a Stone
Supply and Demand
Rainfall in Providence
Restoration

The "top picks" were all very close. The 4th could well have been the 1st. Simple Model trails the other 4 by a bit.

Honorable Mentions are things that I thought were lovely, but that I really can't give a high score for one reason or another.
>> No. 121844
>>121840
A possible explanatory post, eh? Okay, I can oblige.
The ending was supposed to be ambiguous, leaving to be either a) she was still dreaming, or b) she had descended into madness after killing her family and she couldn't separate her dream from reality. Either way, she did sleep-murder, but it is unclear whether it actually happened in the present, or she was simply dreaming about an event that had already happened and the dream we see is her tormenting herself. Oh, and as for the blood, well that may or may not have been real as well. I'd like to think that she woke up in asylum (or something similar) and that's why her sheets felt heavier than normal; it was not the blood, but in her mind it was. Although, the very last line might throw that interpretation out the window since it doesn't really fit, but then again, it may lend credence because it shows that she's gone mad.

Anyway, this is just what I kind of imagined to happen, but I left it open so that people could draw their own conclusions.

Jeez, I kinda rambled there for a bit, didn't I? I sound so self-righteous talking about how deep this 700 word fic is. Heheh, whatever, as long as someone enjoyed it then I guess I'm happy. I certainly enjoyed writing it.
>> No. 121848
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121848
>>121842
I still love that pic. Such a great reaction shot.
>> No. 121853
Well, here's reviews of some of the write-off entries. I'm gonna go from the last one for the other half. Tis' only seem fair.

Eventually - Really predictable scene about Rarity lamenting how she has to finish her dress and what not. Competently written, I give you that, but didn't grab me.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime - To be honest, I'm confused as heck by why Scootaloo went all the way to Tartaurus just to get a dream. The last scene was also just plain weird to me. Was it a dream or did she just die and wake up again? Sorry, too many questions means I cannot enjoy this. Well-written though, I give you that.

Essence of a Dream - Too telly, and the entire premise bothers me. Why was Twilight in Pinkie's dream again and who is this OC telling me things? One of those fics who suffers from being too short.

Making Daddy Proud - Others have said the same things: Too telly, trite story. I think nothing more needs to be said.

The Locket - This entry was an interesting one. Several others have commented that they did not understand why Trixie/some OC is trading an apparently precious locket for what is implied to be Trixie's cloak and hat. The last line was actually quite illuminating. This is her daughter, yes? If so, then the exchange makes sense. While not the best entry, I liked the way you tickled my mind. Link to the prompt was rather tenuous though.

If Only I Could... - Meh. Scootaloo learning to fly has been done to death already, and way before this contest even started. Pass.

For Mommy - This is one of those fic when I feel like grabbing something and bashing the author. Goddamnit, why Dinky? (Even if I don't buy into the fanon of Ditzy/Dinky. Well done.

A Painted World - You know what. You get no points for writing a seemingly pointless story.

Appreciating The Other Side - Vanilla Celestia Banishes Luna story. No cookies for unoriginality, but the scene itself was competently written.

A Simple Model - While nicely written, I couldn't help but feel the fic was akin to two halves joined into one to make an unholy fusion. The transition wasn't clear and disjointed to say the least. Still, props for having such an original premise.

Held Together By Misery - Second Rarity Makes A Dress fic. This one however, was interesting in the way it implied Rarity had abandoned her friends long ago and went on to pursue her dreams regardless of the cost. Well done, if not for the overdone idea.

Voices - Eh, didn't like this. Too many OCs, too much going on, too little context as to what is what. In fact, you could swap them for humans and the story would be intact. Pass.

Confessions - You could see the twist a mile away by third sentence. But Ezn has the right of it. Your best friend died and the only thing they did was hear Trixie confess? I expected a third rate lynching by now. Entire premise feels forced as it is.

Our Separate Ways - Very good. I liked the way you presented what amounts to be a cliche story. Good work.

To Equestria - To be honest, the twist at the end didn't make sense. Why are you revealing something that we know already so dramatically? Could have been half the length and we wouldn't have missed anything.
>> No. 121857
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121857
>>121853
I think you should give it another read-through before you use the cheat sheet I've provided for all of the foreshadowing and allusions I put into the story, but that's your call.

Refer to:
>>121705
for additional extrapolation.

To answer your first question, what other entity could make a dream on demand for you? As Reek says, "We make opportunities, not miracles" Deals with the Devil are a fairly common trope, except this is more of an exchange with a pencil-pusher.

The last scene was her in the hospital, which is why the beep was there; a heartbeat monitor. To make her dream a reality, the Powers-that-Be in Tartarus organized the chariot crash (as was alluded to in Reek's dialogue when he said "You look like you were on the wrong end of a chariot crash", which is not so much alluding as it is outright stating, but I digress). This is how she lost her wings (which is shown by how Dash has a house on the ground, the "you can't" bit, and why Scootaloo feels Dash hugging her sides, not her wings), but in exchange it prompted Rainbow Dash to adopt her. A dream lost--that of flying--in exchange for being with her hero.

In regards to you thinking it's a dream, well, I put the bit about the pen hurting her mouth for a reason. Pain in a dream makes you wake up, ergo, it can't be a dream.


I believe that clears up any issues you may have had. People keep looking into it too deeply and just end up muddying the water; Scootaloo makes a deal, exchange happens, case shut. I hope that improves your perception (and perhaps your score) of the story.
>> No. 121861
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121861
>>121853
This is her daughter, yes?
>pic

I believe you're the first person to come to that conclusion. I'm glad someone picked up on it.
>> No. 121871
>>121857
Almost forgot:
The cup with the bones that he knocks over "rolls" them, a reference to "rolling the bones", which is to cast dice and, in essence, test your luck, which is what Scootaloo did with putting an unknown dream up as payment.
>> No. 121874
Only 6 takers so far. Anyone else? Let me know by tomorrow.
>> No. 121876
>>121857
Nope. Still doesn't grab me. If I have to spoil myself just to make sense of the story, then it's really not doing its job to begin with. Sorry, but this is one reader who was unsatisfied by the way you presented the story.
>> No. 121877
>>121876
Eh, the answers are all there in the story if you look deep enough, but I suppose there's nothing I can do to convince you otherwise.
>> No. 121879
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121879
>>121761
>See pic
>> No. 121880
>>121874

You seem rather famous round these parts so I'm sure it won't hurt to ask for some advice from you. Since you're asking I may as well offer up my two fics for critiques. They are:

Essence of a Dream
Stalking an Idol

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 121882
>>121842
Honorable mention? Well, I'll take that. Make it >200% longer? Um... Hm... I'll be thinking hard about revisions, but I'm lazy--really lazy. Glad that you enjoyed it (or would have enjoyed it), though. It's nice to hear Rainfall is doing decently.
>> No. 121912
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121912
One more post like then, then I'm finished, kay? I'm sorry, kay? I'm not sure why it's taking me so long to review these, when I've reviewed way more words in the previous proper events... I blame stupid Faize.

The Last Mug of Cider: I... huh, I really liked this one. It did a nice job of feeding you bits to figure out what was going on in the scene, it took a surprising twist for characters such as Flim and Flam, and the message of the pic subverted expectations in a pleasant way. If I really had to find something to nitpick, there wasn’t much scene description, but that didn’t detract from my enjoyment. Kudos, author.

Pinkie Pie for Mayor!: Mmm, suspending disbelief about existence of political parties. Heh, yes, Twilight, you really should be careful what you say. I like the repetition used in the “belonged to the Cakes” joke. ...did a politician just call Pinkie out on unrealistic campaign promises? Mmm, the ending was alright. It was nice to have a lesson that grounded Pinkie’s expectations, but at the same time, it just felt a little anticlimactic. And then a regular Pinkie party. Dunno, it told its story and had a good moral. Maybe I just had zanier expectations, with the premise and setup.

Step Aside: Present tense was an interesting choice for this one, as was the smallcaps. Neither seemed out-and-out bad, but I’m still left wondering why the author didn’t go more traditional. Some of the imagery stuff is good, like the bit with “The cave’s wall peels...” While the idea of Discord trying to haggle for freedom is a bit done, his last few lines had a certain ominousness to them that I liked. Not much more could be done with this in a minific, but the fact that it was a vignette was still disappointing, at the end.

The Flight: Mmm, another “Scootaloo flies and then doesn’t” story. Like a few other stories here, it just plays things too straight. As soon as the reader sees Scootaloo trying to fly, they can probably predict exactly where this is going. So the options to keep things interesting are to either A) subvert expectations or 2) present the idea in a fresh or novel way such that we don’t care that we’re hearing the same story again. This minific doesn’t try either, and as a result, it fails to stand out of the pack.

Rainfall in Providence: Like Tactical, I’m torn, even after rereading this a few times plus the author notes above. I presume the minor gods bear the resemblance of pegasi, since they’re shown flying, don’t have horns, and Celestia/Luna are in their image? And they know of earth ponies. Do they not know of unicorns? While Celestia was presumably the first alicorn ever, wouldn’t the presense of a horn at least hint at her potential? Then, being an alicorn is a birth defect, yet it happens in Celestia’s younger sister as well? The banishment and creation of cutie marks was a nice touch, but I too was confused why that happened, and the author notes just sorta hand-waive it. I’d argue that the reasoning for being banished is more important than watching their parents flirt, if wordcount was the determining factor. Dunno, it feels like I’m being overly critical of this one, and I did enjoy the originality to be sure, but unfortunately that worldbuilding is a double-edged sword if the reader hits points that are too confusing or ambiguous.

Pancakes and Apples: Eh, the first three paragraphs or so were just so dry. An engaging hook, it wasn’t. When all of a sudden, LSD! Wow, this was trippy. Major points for creepiness, being jarring (to positive effect), and the creepypasta-style ending. *reads author notes* Eh, maybe. I saw it that she was still dreaming at the end. I suppose sleep-murder fits, but especially with AB’s telling line of “Who said anything about understanding?” I just read this as AJ losing her Celestia-damn mind. Regardless, really enjoyed it.

Thirty Dollars: >Claims to be a brony >Can’t tell which one is Flim and which is Flam. Heh, this was a fun and silly premise. The mental image of Twilight trying to solve the mystery of thousands of these strange, ill-fated creatures amuses me, to say nothing of Rarity’s coatrack collection. The bits where Bjorn was clearly citing show knowledge or a quote here or there were a good touch too, and not overdone. Dunno, I definitely liked it, but I kinda wish I could like it more. While it was fun and simple, that double-edged sword kinda makes it not very deep or memorable, y’know? Which, like I said, is a shame.

Poachers: An interesting one. It seems a little odd that Rarity’s gem trick could be used as an effective lure, to the point that she’d be sought out and blackmailed for that purpose. Furthermore, that they’d blackmail her to poach one creature and then honor their word; I don’t expect much honor when “exorbitant fees” are involved. Heck, the Diamond Dogs seemed poised to hold her indefinitely, when she was able to offer them less, if more direct, riches. Truth be told, the first section didn’t do a lot for me, but the second half I did like: failing to convince Sweetie Belle to ignore that anything happened, Rarity’s fear of being watched, and her insomnia as related to the creature which I presume is itself a dream.
>> No. 121924
Here's the other half. Going from bottom to top this time:

Hearth's Warming Cards - Well done. The only criticism I have is that I fail to see any connection to the prompt. No price of their dreams was mentioned.

One Last Try - This one has little to do with MLP as others have noted. However, it was competently written.

What If Rainbow Wasn't Fast Enough? - I thought the author would try to subvert things given the obvious spoiler-y title. Too bad he didn't, because the story itself was too predictable and dull.

Yearning for Something More - The Octavia's version of Lyra's Potential. Really now, I expected something different. Meh.

A Sister's Pride - I dunno. I wanted to like this. But like A Simple Model, it appeared that the author decided to join two different scenes and call it a fic. Disjointed, to me at least.

Restoration - Ah, yes. The Mad Scientist Twilight fic. I suppose I rather enjoyed Twilight's insane monologue, but the fic was rather predictable. I also question as to why Celestia would even allow her student to do such horrible things to ponies. One of those fic that played fast and loose with logic to tell a story.

Sacrifice - WarWarWarWarWar. An interesting take on how the alicorn sisters defeated Discord, if nothing else. I cringed at the last line though. Srsly?

Poachers - Link to prompt was extremely tenuous, even if I enjoyed the little story.

Thirty Dollars - Another of those fic I wanted to like, but marred somewhat by shoddy execution. You could have done a clever satire on the fandom, but as such, it feels like wasted potential. Punchline wasn't funny either.

Pancakes and Apples - Yesh, this kind of fic? Not my cup of tea, but I suppose you did what you set out to do. Or Applejack is losing her mind?

Rainfall in Providence - I had to reread this a few times before I got the gist of the story. Well-done, I think. The fic is a little constrained by the word limit though, and would have done much, much better with twice the wordcount.

The Flight - Unoriginal, unengaging. You won't be standing out in the crowd with this one.

Step Aside - As others noted. AUGH present tense. That said, I'm also confused as to what is happening. More context is needed, if nothing else.

Pinkie Pie for Mayor! - An interesting premise, however I think the execution left something to be desired. More words to bring life to the comedy would have helped immensely. Good effort though.

The Last Mug of Cider - Ah, very interesting use of our two con-ponies. A burning question for me was, why are they drinking and where are they? Otherwise, well done.

A Terrible Mistake - Meh. Not only the plot could be seen a mile away, the OOC-ness of Twilight grated me as well. Why the hell was she trying out unknown experiments on her friend?

Perchance - I like. Though her name is spelt Ditzy, not Derpy. Anyway, yes, cute little story and a very clever use of the prompt.

Stalking an Idol - So what? comes to mind. While you touched on the dream, you barely touched on the price. As it is, the story was quite... dull.

Party Rock Anthem - An interesting choice of narrator. I enjoyed it, even if I couldn't really make sense of it without spoilers. A few hundred more words and this would have shone.

All I Want is a Friend - Vanilla Luna is Lonely fic. You won't get points for originality, nor does the writing stand out. A soild meh.

Supply and Demand - This isn't pony. This would have worked better as original fiction. I still enjoyed this, strangely enough, but I question the pony in this.

Rendezvous - CelesCord? Man, been so long since I seen one of these. Found it to be a mite telly, and I wasn't entirely enamoured by the fact that Celestia /actually/ missed Discord.

Like a Stone - Beautiful. Reminds me of Douglas Adam for some reason. Well done.
>> No. 121929
Y'all need motive for murder?

Ah, you guys are no fun. ;)

And why Luna was banished too?
...
Uh... I suppose the gods just aren't that discretionary.

And that flirting was obviously pivotal to the plot!
>> No. 121933
>>121874
Let's see how my little fic does then.

To everyone else's comments, well, I never really meant it to be a warfic, but it does comes off that way, I suppose. I hoped it was at least an interesting read.
>> No. 121935
>>121924

Breaking my self-imposed vow of silence just to say

you filthy, past tense casuals ;)

Opening it up towards all the other criticisms given (thank you for which, by the way) I find the confusion between Nightmare Moon and Discord surprising, as well as entirely justified. I had been concerned that the reader wouldn't grasp it as Discord whilst writing, and had thus sketched in some foreshadowing at the fic's start (the random motion of the balls, the discordant echoes). Apparently, I need to learn the difference between sketching and painting; there should have been no confusion over who was who inside the fic, and I am sorry that there was.

As for it needing expansion/explanation, I agree. My hints at what was going on were too vague, it seems. I'm not going to give an explanation here - mainly because the fic should be able to stand on its own merits and, if it can't, should fall on them too - but yes: there was probably too much that was trying to get said in too confined of a space. That, and I know the headcanon that birthed it is wildly at odds to the fandom's own. I fully expected to have people arguing with me over the order of events Step Aside implies. Since I have managed to so far get away with it, I won't tempt fate by dumping down my garbage here.

The use of present tense and smcaps were to give the fic a distinct, otherworldly feel. Using smcaps for Discord's speech probably was a mistake; in retrospect, I would probably experiment with alternating italics and bold if I were to write the fic now. Perhaps random capitals too. Anything to make my writing more difficult to read.
>> No. 121945
>>121912
Like I said previously, the ending is intentionally open. I don't believe there is any one interpretation that is correct. The only constant is Applejack's insanity. Whether she has already lost her mind, or she is losing it while you read, is up for the reader to decide. Sleep-murder as well, could also simply be all in her head, and just a vehicle for fall into madness. Don't take what I said I think it means as the only possible outcome.

As for the opening, well it was supposed to be dull. It was intentionally dry and mundane so that I could set up a sense of normalcy only to have it completely ripped from underneath shortly afterwards. If I had started off in the realm of the bizarre would it really have been a better opening? I personally don't think so.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It always makes me glad to see people enjoying reading the fics I enjoy writing; it fills me with a sense of accomplishment.

Also,
>with AB’s telling line of “Who said anything about understanding?”
At the risk of sounding pretentious, that line was one of my favorites. It was supposed to be representative of the whole story. Not to say that you weren't supposed to understand what was happening, but that the story was purposely "jarring" and "trippy".
>> No. 121951
>>121935
I had no problems figuring it out by the end. Frankly, I don't think the others should have, either :|
The reality-warping and "because I don’t have to abide by stupid, pointless rules" should have given it away and it's obvious who he's referring to releasing, so by simple process of elimination one can conclude that it's Discord. Too many stories missing out because people aren't reading between the lines here.

>>121924
Hearth's Warming Cards - Well done. The only criticism I have is that I fail to see any connection to the prompt. No price of their dreams was mentioned.
That's because they never got to fulfill them >_>
>> No. 121956
>>121924
Alright, I'll spell it out even more.
Let's work backwards. Applejack wakes up from her dream to find that her helper, Apple Bloom, has run off to play. In the dream, Applejack was picking up Apple Bloom from detention. Apple Bloom had gotten detention for falling asleep in class, during which she had dreamed of being a dancer. So the entire story was Applejack's dream.

>>121951
>Too many stories missing out because people aren't reading between the lines here.
That's an affirmative.
>> No. 121958
>>121956
>Dat Inception
We... need to go deeper?
>> No. 121980
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121980
Thanks for all the positive responses! I was really happy to see that it was received so well. I was also a touch surprised to see the points of confusion in the reviews, but since this gives me an excuse to give a pretentious infodump of the story behind my story, I can’t complain!

Presumably after the end of the show, the CMC are finally able to open their eyes and recognize their dreams, which I selected from common fanon picks: respectively, becoming a carpenter/handymare of unrivaled talents for Apple Bloom, following Rainbow’s hoofsteps into the Wonderbolts for Scootaloo, and being discovered as a world-famous singer for Sweetie Belle. The CMC excitedly share and discuss their dreams with each other for the rest of their school days, until they are unfortunately forced to move to different cities in order to pursue these dreams.

Life, as is so often the case, doesn’t go according to plan. Applejack gets caught up in her duties as an Element of Harmony, thus she spends an increasing amount of time in Canterlot with the rest of the EoH, thus the burden of running Sweet Apple Acres falls increasingly onto Apple Bloom’s shoulders. Without AJ and increasingly often without Big Mac, Sweet Apple Acres consumes her life even moreso than it did for AJ. Thanks to her weak wing strength, Scootaloo is still unable to master basic flight, let alone become a Wonderbolt. She undergoes rigorous physical therapy and is eventually able to become airborne, but by this point, her hopes of joining the Wonderbolts have been deflated. Instead, she decides to repay (in spirit) the gift given to her by becoming a physical therapist herself and going into business with Derpy. Sweetie Belle’s story is sadly all too familiar: the girl from your hometown with the amazing voice travels to the big city, only to discover that out in the world, she’s merely average. Unable to launch a vocal career, she instead stumbles across the lacking inner-city schools, and decides to go into teaching instead. None of them truly forgot or changed their dreams, symbolized in part by Apple Bloom’s longing look at her dust-gathering toolbag; they had to settle.

The price of their failed dreams, then, is pride. In their yearly Hearth’s Warming cards—the traditional time of the year when (at least for humans) one shares updates, and frequently boasts, about their happy lives—the CMC are too ashamed to admit that they failed to reach the dreams that they shared so eagerly with each other for years. So they lie. They perpetuate a double-life in these yearly letters (and presumably any interim letters) wherein they each achieved their dreams, because they don’t want to be the one CMC who failed to launch. Even Sweetie Belle can’t admit the truth to a bunch of school-aged fillies; her line of “Of course [I always wanted to be a teacher]!” stung, at least for me.

The kicker is, even with dreams deferred, they are still well-to-do and, more importantly, happy. They may feel as though the dream lives in their Hearth’s Warming cards would be superior to reality, but it’s hard for us to say so with certainty. Apple Bloom certainly seems proud of her ability to run Sweet Apple Acres by herself (no small feat). Being a schoolteacher, while certainly less glamorous than being a singer, is unquestionably making more of an impact in the lives of Sweetie Belle’s students, who adore her. Scootaloo is the clear winner in my mind, who is responsible for some wonderful life changes for her therapy patients, and brings her own implied treatment full-circle.


I’m not sure how much of the above was carried across in 750 words, but it sounds like most readers so far have gotten some heartwarming feelings out of this, for which I’m glad. Hopefully, if nothing else, this post helps you to understand and enjoy the piece even more. Thank you!
>> No. 122016
Every time I see the title "Thirty Dollars," my mind immediately goes to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT9r_-oHJV0


I am a horrible person, and you're an accessory to this, author
>> No. 122024
>>121980
When your explanation of a fic rivals the length of said fic...
>> No. 122031
>>122024
Don't be silly. The fic itself was 748 words. The spoilered part of my post was a mere 551 words. That's totally way shorter.
>> No. 122039
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122039
Waaah, ermagherd, I’m so useless, a-bloo-bloo-bloo. Why can’t I do anything right? I’m the worst protagonist ever, and I’m sooo emo about it! Seeing as I’m in a JRPG, that’s saying a lot! Seriously, even Faize is more likable than me. WAAAAH!

Err, yeah, I don’t know either. Whatever, have some reviews.

Sacrifice: It’s an interesting take on the defeat of Discord, as well as the backstory of Everfree. I felt like this had enough novel tweaks here and there to avoid being overdone or cliche, which a story like this could risk. I’m actually with the author that I didn’t really read this as a warfic. It takes place during a war, to be sure, but the focus seemed to focus elsewhere: the race of alicorns, Celestia/Luna’s save-the-day spell, the aftermath of Everfree and Equestria. That said, I was left scratching my head at a few points. The alicorn race was dropped on us de-facto, but never really explored, which I guess would take 750 words in-and-of-itself, but feels like a missed opportunity. Luna didn’t seem too surprised that the spell annihilated pretty much everything in the region (ignoring the fact that that’s some pretty aggressive “harmony”), and I guess it makes sense for the two casters to be immune, but why would the pony civilians be spared and not the rest of the alicorn race?

Restoration: Author, in your comments you nailed the issue here: we lack motive. Twilight is performing abominable science, kidnapping, murdering, soul harvesting, keeping her friends cryogenically frozen, etc etc etc. It’s out-of-character, and you yourself stated that she’s completely unhinged. So am I saying that you can’t write this story because it’s so far OOC? No I’m not. It’s plausible to make Twilight a raving scientist, or a sultry seductress, or Rainbow’s athletic coach, or even a paladin. It’s all about motive. If you can explain how she got from A to B, if you can make the audience accept this and suspend their disbelief, then you can take them pretty much anywhere. With motive left to the author’s notes, this story asks us to suspend quite a lot of beliefs. Now, I do agree that I wouldn’t outright have Twilight state that she killed them. But she’s unhinged, and that’s on top of her normal obsessive mode. Opaquely dance around the issue. Deny specifically. Maybe even blame other factors with ideologically flawed attacks. There’s plenty of tricks you could play here with Twilight’s description so that she doesn’t incriminate herself outright, the audience can connect the dots, and added bonus that Twilight looks all the crazier for it.

A Sister's Pride: Heh, she’s a ballet dancer? Bizarre, but I suppose it’s a continuation of the misguidedness that was the talent show. Pretty good visualization on the ballet sequence, and the punchline of the first scene was nice if a bit rushed. Ooo, and then she quickly discovers her real talent, except this was Applejack’s dream somehow? *reads author notes* Ah, okay, got it. Wait, no I don't. *scruncyface* So AJ dreamed AB dreaming ballet, and AJ was able to see it? I guess by screwy dream logic, that makes sense, but short of the Inception joke already made, it doesn’t make much sense in waking logic. Dunno, I’m not sure if Inception really adds to it. My initial interpretation—that AJ was simply having a separate dream, wishing the best for her sister, unrelated to the first scene, and playing them as contrasting separate scenes—might make things a mite simpler for mostly the same result.

Yearning for Something More: Nope, I’d strike more than half of what comes before "Is something wrong, Octavia?" Tell, tell, tell. Octavia’s actions already explain this. She’s bored and inattentive. She’s asking Mrs. Chords about if she had any dreams. Trust in your audience; they’ll keep up with you. Lose the infodumping. Huh. The remaining two scenes are interesting. It plays like a cliche “stern dad and rebellious daughter” fic, and it feels a bit rushed because of the words spent on the first scene (which in retrospect now, I’d axe altogether in order to flesh out scenes #2 and #3). But then the entire thing subverts on the last line. Dad isn’t just being suppressive for the sake of being a trope; he does care for her future. We have the benefit of “knowing” (as best as one can know about fanon) that Octavia’s life pans out quite well. Perhaps he’s right all along? But then again, it’s always impossible to compare with what could have been. So, this was an interesting thinker at the end, but the execution sorta marred it. Devoting more time to fleshing out Octavia’s relationship with her father, while saving the subversion until the very end like you did, could help.

What If Rainbow Wasn't Fast Enough?: I dunno! Maybe I should read this fic and find out! Okay okay, the title’s been ripped on enough :P The first scene didn’t really sell me. Their reactions were a touch underwhelming for the grizzly demise of their good friend. And if Rainbow couldn’t get to the ground fast enough, how the heck was Twilight there? I assume that has to be dream logic... The second scene was iffy on the first read, but as a introspective voice into Rainbow’s subconscious, it’s an interesting introspective. And then the dream ending kinda cheapens it all. Dunno, it could have done some interesting things, but as is, it just fell flat, pun not intended.

One Last Try: Redheart? Stallion? Hash collision. Err, I’m not totally remiss to the occasional swear, but the f-word? C-word? For the sake of this contest and its rating, I imagine you’re pushing it. Not very pony in general. Very good noir feel, and competently written, but I have no idea what’s really going on here, in the sense that Redheart’s rant at the end clarified little for me. I presume this is intentionally vague in that regard? Since I have no idea about the plot itself, it's hard to say if the prompt was there either. I think I saw bits of in the rant too, but... I dunno.

Hearth's Warming Cards: Mmm, kinda dialogue heavy. Scenery description is basically nonexistent and body language seems kinda minimalistic. Oh, I see what’s going on here. Aww, Scoots and Derpy are helping other pegasi with disabilities! That’s really cute. ...The Dictionary is giving a vocab quiz... I liked this! Generated a couple different categories of feels. It does feel a little... spartan(?) in its delivery? Like, it feels like it barely squeezed into the 750. It feels like if you gave it a bit more description and filled the scenes out a little (maybe around 550 more words or so? *stare*), that could give it a huge boost.

And that’s that! Hope that authors find my random musings helpful. I certainly know that I appreciate the feedback I’ve received on mine.
>> No. 122051
>>122039
Those things you have pointed out are rightly things I should clarified within the limited wordcount I have. The premise was that the entire alicorn race, of which there were not many to begin with, sacrificed themselves to power the gems that would become the future Elements of Harmony. Luna and Celestia just happened to got the "good" side effect of the process, so to speak. The pony civilians weren't affected since they were theoretically shielded in the castle.

I'm glad you found it mildly interesting, at least.

PS: If you noticed my word count, it's exactly 600. That was the limit I thought I was working with. Silly me.
>> No. 122052
>>121980

Just jumping in with a question about Hearth's Warming Cards:

The part about Big Mac being missing + Apple Bloom singling out Twilight from the others... implied shipping? I can't really spot any other reasons why Big Mac wouldn't be helping out with running the farm in your fic, and I just want to know if I'm guessing right or not.
>> No. 122070
>>122052
If you are a TwiMac fan, please consider that to be a very deliberate and intentional gift from me to you.

For everyone else, that was merely a word constraint. I had only a few sentences to convey that AJ and the Elements were often stuck in Canterlot. AB referring to them as the Elements would be strange, so it came out as "AJ and Twi and the gang" instead. Big Mac still helps on the farm, but since they lost AJ and since Equestria is matriarchal, he ends up leaving more and more frequently for incidentals (such as visiting AJ), meaning AB is stuck with the farm duties.
>> No. 122150
File 135018145107.gif - (2.68MB , 698x668 , Twilight More.gif )
122150
I decided not to drive myself crazy trying to read all of them, as I haven’t really had as much free time as I appear to. Here is what I thought of the 19 I managed to read, in descending order.

Like a Stone – 9
Wonderfully written, but with a few awkward phrasings. I’m surprised that the father would murder him for liking his daughter, but maybe that was the point.

For Mommy – 9
Ack! You’re teetering! The implications of that are surely excellent writing, but you've got your toes over the line, Sonny Jim; You've left me without certainty as to what exactly happened, but the emotions are there enough, so you still get the marks.

If Only I Could – 9
A shining example of the proper use of a cliffhanger ending, no pun intended.

Held Together By Misery – 9
I think your title pretty much tells the whole story, but you've worked a formidable tale. It seems strange that Rarity would continue to plod along after realizing her misery, but the sad reality is that many in this life follow the same example, blindly chasing small desires, at the expense of their own happiness. An unquestionable tie to the prompt. Well done.

Our Separate Ways – 8
I’m not sure what to say, really. It was good, I suppose.

Appreciating The Other Side – 8
Beautiful, but with no visible tie to the prompt. I suppose it was a painful choice, but not for a dream. At least, not one that was mentioned.

All I Want is a Friend – 8
I’m going to assume that this is how Nightmare Moon came to be. Not bad, I suppose.

Voices – 7
Interesting idea, certainly creative, and a double meaning. It could easily be humanized, though. I should also point out that you don’t have a story here, you have an unfortunate circumstance.

The Locket – 7
Well well, you lost me there for a second, but, nice save. I do hope she returns for the locket later. I would.

To Equestria – 7
Interesting, but I saw no price for the dream, unless he had to die for it.

Rendezvous – 6
Cute. I’m a fan of the whole Celestia and Discord thing, although CosmicUnicorn tells it the best.

Confessions – 6
It was a valiant effort, but I was more confused than sad. Your conclusion also tried admirably, but failed once again.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime – 6
Quite fascinating, but also confusing. Clearly she was in the hospital, but what was her exact condition? Had she lost her legs? Her wings? You failed to give me enough details.

Eventually – 6
Mildly amusing, but hardly noteworthy.

Essence of a Dream – 6
Another amusing tale, but hardly believeable. There was no point or purpose for what happened. How and why was Twilight trapped in Pinkie’s dream, and why is it such a tragedy that Pinkie dreams about happy things? With the way Twilight reacts, one would imagine that Pinkie is trapped in this state for prolonged periods of time. But if that is the case, then why didn't you mention it?

Supply and Demand – 5
Heh, that’s a chuckler. Gonna say you’re Tac.

A Simple Model – 5
And I thought this was going to be a ‘to the moon’ fic. Not bad, I suppose. Can’t say I was a fan, though.

A Painted World – 4
Beautiful, but… what? What was the point of that, and where was the tie to the prompt?

Making Daddy Proud – 2
So… what? Am I supposed to be sad for Trixie or something? This story felt pointless, and I couldn’t find the tie to the prompt.
>> No. 122154
>>122150
I really don't see how people are having so much trouble with it. It clearly states that she could feel Dash's legs on her sides. Gee, I wonder what would normally cover that area of the body? I'm not even going to bother rehashing the myriad of other clues provided.

There's no tactful way to put this, so I'll just say I regret entrusting the reader to put two and two together. Next time I'll deliver every mystery on a silver platter with one of those notes-on-a-stick poking up from it to ensure that you don't mistake the flambe for the filet.

To those of you that took the time to spend a few seconds thinking it over, thank you. You make this worth the effort and frustration.


/rant

>Inb4 rating bombed
>> No. 122156
>>122154
And lack of info satisfied. Still, though: a pegasus can still feel on their sides, especially one with wings as small as Scootaloo.
>> No. 122157
For those thinking that my entry was unoriginal, mundane, or otherwise standard and uninspired, you're absolutely right. That was the intention. The type of story is what makes creates the underlying statement that nobody seems to have noticed, probably because it was not executed well enough to have the "wink-wink, nudge- nudge" subtext readily apparent.

I would recommend a second read on it, but the entry has been removed.
>> No. 122158
>>122156
Refer to:
>>121857
>>121807
for additional points. There is no less than three hints to Scootaloo losing her wings, not to mention how Reek clearly states she'll lose a dream in exchange for gaining one and, well, Scootaloo's two dreams are pretty well-known.
>> No. 122165
>>122154
Not to burst your bubble, but going around claiming people are not "smart" enough to get your story just means you are failing to convey your clues/hints clearly enough. Nothing more to it. If you intended it to be as vague as it is now, then you should have been prepared for the questions. Getting all defensive is going to be counter-productive, to say the least.

The other stories did it better, and the clues aren't so easy to find either. /shrug (Hearth's Warming Cards for one. I had a facepalm moment when the author explained it. Not so much with yours.)
>> No. 122170
>>122165
Every piece of the puzzle is there. If you want to point to one of my hints and state factually how it wasn't enough, be my guest. Everything is alluded to, sometimes multiple times. I could also point you to the readers that did understand it. Again, look at the cheat sheet I prepared for your post; every one was answered in the story, had you been paying attention.

This isn't Finnegan's Wake here, it's some basic deducing. You don't even need to be "smart" (as you incorrectly put it), just perceptive.
>> No. 122171
>>122165

>had a facepalm moment when the author explained the subtle aspect of Hearth's Warming cards

Yeah I felt kinda dumb about that too.

I completely understood that Scootaloo lost her wings. I didn't think that was a subtle, background element at all.

However, I have to object to your attitude towards people who said they didn't get it. If you didn't convey it, you didn't convey it. These are people who saw your explanation and said "nope, wasn't clear enough" even after they knew.

Regardless of whether you and I think it was clear, these people's opinions matter. And yeah, you are subtly calling them stupid. And that's a real nice reflection upon you.
>> No. 122172
>>122150

Holy crap, I disagree with your ratings so hard it's insane. Almost from start to finish I think you're wrong.

Anyway, to answer your question: The two characters refer to the dying man as their "client." So, he paid a company to send people to give him that dream.
>> No. 122173
>>122171
>If you didn't convey it, you didn't convey it. These are people who saw your explanation and said "nope, wasn't clear enough" even after they knew.
What he said. I need not say more.

If you wish to lambast me for "failing" to get your story, be my guest.
>> No. 122178
File 135019360946.jpg - (144.58KB , 900x720 , spoiler.jpg )
122178
>>122158
Actually, the only discernable hint to Scootaloo losing her wings was Rainbow Dash holding her sides, which I happened to not catch due to Scoot's wings covering virtually none of her sides anyway. Furthermore, Scootaloo's only stated dream in canon is to emulate Rainbow Dash, the other is merely fanon.
>>122170
Your hints would have worked on any other pony, but since it's Scoots, a little more information was required. Readers are smart, but they can't read your mind.

>>122170
I doubt you would feel the same way were circumstances reversed. This is why my prereading thread exists.
>> No. 122179
>>122173
>If you didn't convey it, you didn't convey it. These are people who saw your explanation and said "nope, wasn't clear enough" even after they knew.
>What he said. I need not say more.
Heh.

However, you have to consider the source. My level of concern depends on who it is that doesn't get it. It's par for the course.

Also, please note that I'm traveling tomorrow, so I'll post my reviews when I get home, probably about 4 hours after results are posted.
>> No. 122180
>>122178
>I doubt you would feel the same way were circumstances reversed

Was that meant to be aimed at me, and if so, what do you mean?
>> No. 122181
>>122172
This.
"Separate Ways" review caught my attention. "It was good, I suppose" is lofty enough for an 8, apparently.

>>122171
If you understood it, then it was conveyed. At that point the only thing left is the reader's ability to perceive the clues. So, on that note:
>>122173
Let us share the salt and bread of your table as I tell a tale of why you fail.
To extrapolate on my previous post, I will further address your problem with it being a dream or not. This literally has zero impact; there is no change in outcome regardless of whether or not she dreamed her visit, so finding issue in that is similarly without weight.

You need to only understand one point to get the entire basis of the story: Scootaloo lost her wings. Everything else is just stylized filler.
The story can be summed up as "Scootaloo wants to be with Rainbow Dash but must trade a dream to get it, so she loses her wings." I lost nothing from the story's message by squeezing it into a single message. That was the sum and total of everything you needed to understand to "get" the story.

>>122178
Dash says: "You can't... you can't"
Can't what? Well, every one of Scootaloo's senses seem to be fine, so that's not the issue at hand. What else is there that's prized by a pegasi? Hmmmm...
Dash clearly states that she bought a house near Fluttershy's. Why would she need a ground-side house for a pegasus unless... Wait, I think I see something here...
And the aforementioned problem of Scootaloo feeling Dash's hooves on her side. Now, your reason for not seeing that almost passes muster, except you're forgetting an important element; emphasis. It's the last sentence, so it obviously bears some weight right then and there. Next, it's treated as a revelation (Scootaloo realized why she could feel Dash's hooves on her). Why is this important? Something must have changed, something that is deeply affecting. The only thing there that could have changed would be her wings. Case shut.

>>122178
I know, I've used it. Wasn't particularly impressed by your analysis skills then, either.
>> No. 122183
>>122181

Now I wish I had waited until now to vote, so that I could votebomb the motherfuck out of you.
>> No. 122185
File 135019574301.png - (330.06KB , 960x786 , 70's pinkamena.png )
122185
>>122180
>Was that meant to be aimed at me
Nope. That's why I placed it under the other link. ^_^ Unless of course you're the same pony

>>122181
Dude, the attitude isn't helping your cause. So a few readers didn't manage to make 2 and 2 into a fish. No need to get all flankhurt. If you read my review, I simply wasn't sure if it was her wings or her legs she had lost, both of which would surely have prevented her from going anywhere. And you can't blame the reader for the sides comment, even if you wrote it as a 'revelation'. That particular descriptor loses its significance to the distraction of RD's embrace, which seemed the cause for it's existing, as opposed to having a more subtle meaning.
>Case shut
Don't do that. Don't make me glad I gave it a lower score than I'd have liked.
>> No. 122187
>>122165
>>122171
Ha, and here I assumed Pascoite was right about my verbosity. Think that just points out that some things are obvious to some, less obvious to others, and that's just how it is. hint hint
>> No. 122191
>>122187
I never said I didn't understand your story. I just take issue with the free pass at an additional 500+ word count that may well have affected voting.
>> No. 122192
>>122191
Ah, I thought you were just taking offense to the pretentious rambling (and rightfully so). I didn't consider the voting aspect. Mea culpa.
>> No. 122193
>>122187

You know what it is? Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo are off living fulfilling lives doing things that they love. My thought was that they didn't end up doing what fanon predicted, but they're still happy.

Except for Sweetie Belle, the existing ideas about the CMCs' dreams and future cutie marks are pure fanon, especially in Applebloom's case, so those were firmly in the back of my mind. The toolbag reminded me of that obviously, but not strongly enough for me to connect it to the other two when another idea was already there.
>> No. 122196
File 135020038853.gif - (2.39MB , 320x240 , pocketpony_v2_wip2.gif )
122196
>>122183
Such is life.

>>122185
That's never stopped me before. I'm on a roll here.
They didn't need to make two and two to fish; that implies the result was something that wouldn't be expected when it's really quite simple.
If I was flankhurt there would be a lot more colourful language involved.
So the reason you bumped four points was because you couldn't figure out if her wings or side was hurt? That's all I could take away from your review, barebones as it was.
The reason she even notices it is because Rainbow hugs her. You're telling me to take out the catalyst for the entire event.

>Don't do that. Don't make me glad I gave it a lower score than I'd have liked.
So you gave a lower score because... reasons? You're essentially saying you felt it was worth a higher score but gave it less just because, which irks me in all the wrong ways for none of the right reasons.


Honestly, I don't mind getting a low score. I've had my babies be torn apart, but that was okay because there were good, hard reasons for it to happen. It's when it happens because people don't bother to spend a few extra seconds to puzzle over something that didn't slap them in the face with blatant obviousness. If I'd just said "Scootaloo didn't have her wings" the entirety of the impact would be like ash in the wind. I honestly thought that ending was too obvious while I was replacing the original, which would have probably been like a Rubic Cube to a blind man at that point.

I gave every story that had a part I didn't understand a second read-through. It was a mistake to assume others would be so kind, I guess. In the end, I'm more disappointed than mad because I expected that I was among peers here, the kind of people I could execute subtle wordplay and nuanced storytelling with without fear of them simply dismissing it because I hadn't catered to the lowest common denominator. I suppose the blame lies with me in assuming a mini-fic competition was the place for being intellectual.

Again, I gladly exclude those that actually analyzed the work and took from it the pieces I squirrelled away.

I end my diatribe. I'm sure that, once the authors are revealed, my passion for the story will be more apparent, given who I am. Regardless, I ask for no forgiveness and stand by what I've said because I speak my mind and to betray that would be to betray myself.

Titty sprinkles.
>> No. 122201
>>122196

I disagree with you on a key point.

Smacking the reader in the face with a well-delivered line that tells them straight-up "Scootaloo's wings were amputated/mangled beyond repair" would be perfectly effective. In fact, the ending that *is* there had basically that effect on me. Making it something direct that comes at you with an audible "clunk" would give it impact just as surely as a moment where clues come together.
>> No. 122202
File 135020115774.png - (670.79KB , 600x600 , chocolaterain.png )
122202
>>122196
>hands you a shovel
I'm out. Peace!
>> No. 122203
Oh and there was nothing intellectual about your fic, dammit. I'm someone who liked it, and I'm saying that.
>> No. 122204
>>122201
The power comes from you imagining her wing mangled. I give the suggestion, you imagine the result. The ability of the human imagination is far more powerful than mere words can convey

>>122203
I used it in the ironic sense. As I've already said, you don't need to be "smart" to understand the story.

For the IRC:
>>121651
It is one thing to not be pleased with my work, it is another for people to simply give up the first time they come across something that isn't lit up in garish neon lights and bedazzled with sparkly stars. If he had criticized the ending for being weak and ineffectual I would have blithely agreed.
>> No. 122206
>>122204

See, the way you've said it now, her wings could have simply disappeared into thin air. The most likely explanation right now is that they were cleanly amputated.

I even entertained--briefly--the possibility that the devil (or whoever) had simply made them disappear--she had never been a pegasus, and everyone around her would think she was a born and raised earth pony.

Using the word "amputated" would've made it mildly horrific, and much more effective.
>> No. 122207
>>122206

>inb4 "then you're just as dumb as Grif
>> No. 122208
File 135020261097.png - (100.65KB , 252x288 , Pinkie-psycho.png )
122208
>>122207
Oh hey. I resent the implications. :P
>> No. 122209
>>122206
It was stated to be a dragon attack. Dragons have fire and claws and teeth and plenty of other bits to mangle a pony up something fierce. I wanted to leave that to the reader; were they torn clean off, burnt to a crisp, bitten to the point of being worthless, crushed from the fall? There are so many wonderful ways to inflict pain that, why, I couldn't leave the reader limited to just one.
Then again, I suppose I should have fit in a line about her being in agony to trigger that thought, but I only had five words to spare. See, this is the kind of critique I'm looking for; a real, hard reason for why it wasn't as effective. I can see someone not reaching the conclusion about the dragon attack since that's a few steps removed, but not understanding she'd lost her wings is simply unfathomable to me.

I like the earth pony idea, actually, but I didn't want them to just make things happen. They merely organize an event or two via creative scheduling. I actually alluded to their inability to make grand changes with the bit about how "Folks upstairs handle miracles" (referring to heaven). Tartarus is on-demand, heaven takes the charity cases. The original draft actually had Tartarus playing that role as a good guy of sorts; it would be revealed that Scootaloo's parents had died and she had lost her wings in a chariot crash, but in the interest of having a fair world Tartaros gave her a dream, which would have been living with Dash. The execution was lacking, though, and I thought killing her parents was too cheesy (yet having them already dead is somehow better, go figure).
>> No. 122215
Main event prompt submissions are on now: http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/4/prompt/submit

Prompt voting starts in 45 minutes.
>> No. 122222
http://writeoff.rogerdodger.me/event/2-The-Price-of-a-Dream/results

>sees results

Wee! Fifth place!

Ion wrote A Deal to Last a Lifetime? Well... He beat me so I'll just scooch over here and stay quiet.
>> No. 122223
>>122222
I'd like to thank Dublio for padding the bottom lot.
>> No. 122224
File 135022751970.png - (73.83KB , 945x945 , shrugpony Bleeding Rain.png )
122224
Ten o’ clock on a Saturday is part of being a brony, but Ten o’ clock on a Sunday? It was never going to happen.
>”A Deal To Last a Lifetime” was Ion Sturm
I shall forever hold this against you. jk, but I kinda disappoint. bro. Not cool with the tude.
>> No. 122226
File 135022758895.jpg - (28.65KB , 720x399 , 482037_363795040352629_401728705_n.jpg )
122226
>>122222
Waghh, that post should have been mine. Curse you connection error.
>> No. 122230
File 135022828087.jpg - (142.92KB , 900x842 , Lurking in the shadows, or maybe just outside the window.jpg )
122230
>>122181
I only just realized that I should have known it was Ion.
>>This is why my prereading thread exists
>I know, I've used it. Wasn't particularly impressed by your analysis skills then, either.
You live to insult me, don't you?
Then again, there were a few others who could still have been it. I know there are a few ponies other than Ion with reasons to dislike me.
>> No. 122231
>>122224
>>122226
>>122230
Okay, admittedly that looks a mite impulsive.

Anyway, would you like to read and share your thoughts about my entry, Rainfall? Especially if you think it'd do better as a longer, more traditional fic? I'm curious what your opinion would be.
>> No. 122234
File 135023048381.png - (331.35KB , 830x960 , what.png )
122234
>>122231
What's this? Somepony values *my* opinion?
At once, my friend, at once. Wait, is this just because I enjoy rain? No matter, somepony has asked to hear my thoughts, and I shall give them, although I keep hearing this voice in my head muddling something about having everyone think me a fool rather than proving it with my mouth. Oh well.

Fascinating. I’m not usually a fan of Celestia/Luna origin stories, but this wasn’t bad. The first paragraph was choppy, though. I find it interesting that they fell as they got their cutie marks, but why does it seem like such a tragedy. I suppose you’re leaving it up to my imagination as to why having a cutie mark is such a bad thing, but if it fits the story, at least I got the message. I’d give it a 8
>> No. 122235
>>122230
You assume too much. That was my frank and completely honest opinion; I really don't think your analysis skills are up to par. Since when did speaking one's mind be grounds for insult?

I don't "dislike" you. I disliked NickNack. I dislike chili. I dislike the conservative government. I merely don't respect you.

>>122224
>>122230
Why are you repeating yourself?


Sweet beard of Celestia, Dub, were you trying to get a monopoly on the bottom rankings? Quality before quantity, man. You're, like, half the contest.
>> No. 122236
File 135023124142.png - (491.32KB , 800x600 , 73c74aaddec21499815cfb664feaeccb.png )
122236
>>122235
Well, at last we know each other.
>> No. 122237
Jesus.

I had one entry and it basically got votebombed.
>> No. 122238
File 135023158107.png - (148.61KB , 500x473 , 438.png )
122238
>>122236
If you knew me, you would have known that wasn't even close to how I get when I'm insulting someone. On the other hand, I'm just not interested enough to bother "knowing" you.

>>122237
For what it's worth, I found your story to be solid and gave it somewhere around a six. You have my condolences for people that can't be objective and punch in votes without their misinformed bias shining through.
>> No. 122239
>>122235

Okay, suddenly everything makes sense. You weren't being petty, you're the board's iconic jerk and you were refusing to hugbox Minjask on his pre-reading thread and whatnot.

I... guess I can respect that. I can, now that I buy that you weren't being catty and defensive.
>> No. 122241
>>122239
>"hugbox"
>Not "Salty Spitoon"
What is this sorcery.

While I prefer "Highly disagreeable individual with a sociopathic streak", "jerk" is an understandable catch-all.
>> No. 122242
File 135023240455.jpg - (42.36KB , 900x900 , rain pinkamena.jpg )
122242
>>122238
Correct. If I knew you. Still, it stung, and I was insulted all the same, I'll leave you that. I know now what little respect you have for me. And I had thought myself higher in regard given my contributions to this board, and a few choice threads in particular. In any case, I'll not prove myself a fool by continuing a pointless charade; if I were even interested in trying to earn *your* favor, I daresay I'd be here for a lifetime, and still never achieve it. So I'll take my leave, sir Ion, with the knowledge that we hold each other in equally high esteem, and the promise that when I return, I shall place a little more focus on analytics, and less on replicating an average, run-of-the-mill reader's response,
>> No. 122243
>>122239

If it's any consolation, you actually persuaded me to go and buy 'To The Moon'. So... I guess if you set out with the aim of advertising the game rather than winning the contest... you kinda won? Maybe? Meh.

Also sage for blatant hugboxing. Ponychan, what have you done to me.

On the other hand, the drama at the end of this thread is delicious.
>> No. 122250
>>122242
Stop treating it like some abject failure on your part. The case of someone not earning my respect is a tale sung through many an age. It's no secret that the only person I really defer to is the Samurai. I don't even really respect myself, take that as you will.
>> No. 122253
Hoo-yeah, Most Controversial once again! I am such a renegade ^o^
>> No. 122255
>>122250

>The case of someone not earning my respect is a tale sung through many an age. It's no secret that the only person I really defer to is the Samurai. I don't even really respect myself, take that as you will.

Let me add onto this that the purpose of the board and the purpose for our collective involvement is not to impress one another, rather to improve our skills and all that good stuff. Seeing impressing the old guards of /fic/ as a personal goal is rather counter-intuitive because by nature of trying to impress you've already committed to acknowledging you're beneath the old guards and thereby dwell within the umbrella of their shadow. No, the old guard is not to be put on a pedestal, not to be treated like some sort of goal to surpass, but rather as an entity that exists as a resource from which to learn and formulate your own opinions and style. That is how I treated them, and I enjoyed a degree of success because of it. Hero worship is bad for /fic/, and it should stop.

But I would also urge that you not, in a similar manner, flex your knowledge to impress. Sturm came down hard on you for that, and I don't blame him in the slightest, even though I find some bits of his behavior a mite objectionable, but never incomprehensible. One of the easiest ways to earn dislike around here is to flaunt talent (via reviewers, submissions approved to EqD, etc) because it presupposes superiority in numerous regards, whether it exists or not.
>> No. 122257
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122257
>>122255
Put much more eloquently than I did. Thank you.
>> No. 122258
File 135023625128.png - (137.19KB , 618x389 , 132653362977.png )
122258
>>122250
>>122255
I told myself I wasn't going to post again, but I'll not allow you to blindly assume I was trying to impress anyone. I've disliked Ion from the start, but that's no surprise to anyone. In fact, I think he somewhat enjoys that small fact. No, I was rather making the point that I really don't care what Ion has to say anymore, despite how much his remark hurt my ego, and I never treated it like a failure. It's astounding how you can seem so condescending and yet be so blind. And you call *my* analytic abilities inferior.
>> No. 122262
>>122258
>And I had thought myself higher in regard given my contributions to this board
This would seem to suggest otherwise.
>> No. 122264
>>122258

Tu Quoqueand my possible presumptuousness aside, I don't feel like what you said and what you meant are one in the same. Moreover, there's far too much emotional investment in this discussion when it should be very cut and dry criticism and response—perhaps everyone should take a break.

I have some questions to ask.

>I've disliked Ion from the start, but that's no surprise to anyone. In fact, I think he somewhat enjoys that small fact. No, I was rather making the point that I really don't care what Ion has to say anymore, despite how much his remark hurt my ego, and I never treated it like a failure.

Certainly is a surprise to me.

Why would you care what Ion has to say if you disliked him from the beginning? Is your ego so frail that you can't take an insult from someone you have expressed a notable dislike for, or, if you mean this as before identities were revealed, an anonymous comment? I'm receiving mixed messages—your claims seem contradictory from what you have said previously, notably in:

>In any case, I'll not prove myself a fool by continuing a pointless charade

definition of charade: An absurd pretense intended to create a pleasant or respectable appearance. Ambiguous meaning, could refer to Sturm or something else entirely. Attitude of resignation present. Easily attributed to current situation of attempting to earn Sturm's respect, i.e. impress.

>I'll leave you that. I know now what little respect you have for me.

Implying you didn't know Sturm disliked you.

>And I had thought myself higher in regard given my contributions to this board, and a few choice threads in particular.

Further implications. Perspective seems to say that user believes he has earned a certain level of respect. Believes failure in that regard.

>It's astounding how you can seem so condescending and yet be so blind. And you call *my* analytic abilities inferior.

I'd like to lay off the insults. No reason to bring that into this. Not sure who this refers to, could be Sturm, could be me, Tu Quoque seems to refer to Sturm, but the rest seems directed at me.
>> No. 122265
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122265
>>122262
>>122264
It's not that hard to figure out. Didn't matter who it was from, an honest evaluation of my analytic abilities being of 'not up to par' was going to sting. Ion's just the jerk who said it.
>> No. 122267
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122267
I don't write for good, and I don't write for evil. I just WRITE!

So long as someone gets a kick or finds some enjoyment in what I write, that's good enough for me. Admittedly when ratings and recommendations are involved I get wrapped up in trying to be the best. At those times I need to step back and remind myself why I got into writing in the first place: to bring about silly nonsense for my and others' enjoyment.

(Used pic because I haven't used it in forever)
>> No. 122268
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122268
>>122265
What the hay is that picture?? D:
>> No. 122269
Wow, The Last Mug did well! So did Misery.
I'll just forget about the other one...
>> No. 122270
>>122255
>stop Hero worship
You realize that, being a pre-reader, this can only come as ironic, right?

As for the current drama: Ion has always been an ass that thinks highly of the Samurai and no one else, so what sort of surprise is that he acts this way? I believe we have seen this multiple times, and he saying someone is not good enough is just noise at this point.
>> No. 122271
>>122265

>Didn't matter who it was from, an honest evaluation of my analytic abilities being of 'not up to par' was going to sting.

I gave you much more credit than simply that. Personally, I feel you should be able to take honest feedback and improve on it without getting into a situation such as this.

>>122270

I fail to see the irony. Care to explain it to me?

>As for the current drama: Ion has always been an ass that thinks highly of the Samurai and no one else, so what sort of surprise is that he acts this way? I believe we have seen this multiple times, and he saying someone is not good enough is just noise at this point.

Which is why I'm concerned over this reaction.
>> No. 122273
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122273
>>122264
>Tu Quoque seems to refer to Sturm, but the rest seems directed at me.
Eh, sorta. Most of it was both of you, but Tu Quoque was Ion only.

>Perspective seems to say that user believes he has earned a certain level of respect.
Actually, that was in regards to Ion once saying he respected me for trying to help other users. I was merely showing that I'd noticed he went back on that.
>Implying you didn't know Sturm disliked you.
Due to what I've just mentioned, I honestly didn't.
>definition of charade
My point exactly; I'm *not* pursuing a charade.
>> No. 122274
>>122273

>My point exactly; I'm *not* pursuing a charade.
>continuing

But you were.
>> No. 122275
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122275
>>122271
What situation? I didn't say I couldn't handle it, I just said it stung. The same way a paper cut does. You just learn from it. You thought I was upset? Allow me to rectify that. See ya.

>>122274
If you say so.
>> No. 122276
>>122275

>What situation?

The elongated bout with Sturm.

>I didn't say I couldn't handle it,

I didn't say you couldn't either.

>You thought I was upset?

Yes.

>Allow me to rectify that.

I don't believe you.
>> No. 122278
>>122271
I could link you to all the "prereaders are superheroes that make the world a better place" journals, but you have your own fimfiction. That said, the "prereaders are the spawns of Hitler and Cthulhu" are hilarious but ring far less sincere than the other ones, while also being rarer. So, I can't take you saying keeping people in a pedestal to be an overall bad thing and should be eliminated, when prereaders are kept there and nothing is done to diminish that. "It's their fault if they want to believe that," is the classic response, if I remember correctly.

>I gave you much more credit than simply that. Personally, I feel you should be able to take honest feedback and improve on it without getting into a situation such as this.
/fic/ has a tendency to be a self-concious drama-queen magnet. Which, I have to say, I don't mean as an insult but a technical description.
>> No. 122279
>>122278

Certainly makes the threads engaging to read through, though. I've been reloading this one at odd times just to see how long this'd go on for.
>> No. 122280
>>122278

>but you have your own fimfiction.

Nobody has ever made such a comment on my FIMFiction.

>when prereaders are kept there and nothing is done to diminish that. "It's their fault if they want to believe that," is the classic response, if I remember correctly.

Forgive me if I straw man you, but are you suggesting that I force people to abandon their opinions on the basis that I don't approve of them? What gives me the authority to make that decision? Moreover, why do you think I should be allowed to police what other people think of me behind closed doors.

I'm also not seeing the irony.
>> No. 122283
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122283
Oh. Um, thanks! Wow, I definitely didn't expect to win, let alone for my other fics to do solidly as well. I'm glad you liked them!

Hearth's Warming Cards: I've blabbed on far too long on this one. (And I apologize again for >>121980. Lesson learned that that level of detail should be shoved up my own ass saved for after the voting period.) Still, thanks for liking it!

Simple Model: I do enjoy subverting expectations. This was silly, and I had fun. Once again I am forced to apologize to EZN by ruining a fic with Twilestia.

Party Rock Anthem: "I'm not that great at writing Pinkie Pie. I should use one of my minifics to practice her. She'll be the main character. No, first-person. No, stream-of-consciousness!!1" And then this happened. Frankly surprised this one didn't garner more hate, but I guess the mad ramblings get a free pass because Pinkie Pie. And it was silly fun too. And I shamelessly love memes. No shame.

For Mommy: How did this get as high as 5.9 what is wrong with you people (sets this on fire and banishes it to the moon). Sorry for being an asshole to Dinky and also sorry to Broops for him getting pinned for writing this :P At least the d'awws of Hearth's makes up for the evil-for-the-hell-of-it of this? Right? Guys?

Other musings:
- A few of these got robbed. "Pancakes and Apples" and "To Equestria" stand out as undervalued IMHO.
- Haters gonna hate. He may not have scored that highly, but Dublio is a trooper for churning out 8 stories and 5.7k in 24 hours, especially coming off writer's block.
- This whole drama is stupid. The arguments being made today almost make sense, except for the fact that Ion made those remarks while anonymous-at-the-time. Without being able to credit those statements to his name and put them in the appropriate context, no shit people would get the wrong idea. Fun though my abuses of pseudonym posting were in this event, I still fundamentally hate it. There would have been less drama if he had posted as Ion (defending his story as "a fan") rather than posting as Author Of (whom no one knew at the time).
>> No. 122286
I've mentioned in chat that I habitually give Cassius the voice of Jeremy Irons. I just realized that if Sturm sounds like David Kaye's Megatron and Rain sounds like John Cleese this derail changes from bad feels to awesomeness and rainbows.

Can we have more awesomeness and rainbows?
>> No. 122287
>>122279
It will go on as long as we want. It's fun that way, at least to some.

>>122280
>>122280
Neither have they made hate ones, if I recall correctly. Or commented all that much. In fact, there has never been a "I hate the pre-readers" comment on the public ones, but there have been comments praising them for what they do. Not many, but there have been. Remember this too: most people don't even go to say "thank you prereader X", they say "thank you prereaders".

>Forgive me if I straw man you, but are you suggesting that I force people to abandon their opinions on the basis that I don't approve of them? What gives me the authority to make that decision? Moreover, why do you think I should be allowed to police what other people think of me behind closed doors.
Not at all; I am stating that, personally, I can't take any notion of someone telling people that having some person in much higher regard (also known as hero worshiping to some) is a bad thing for any one group seriously when they are actively kept in a pedestal and then their reaction to this is to simply shrug. You don't need to be policing anyone, and maybe there is very little you can do to change it in any case, but you saying that just rings all sort of contradictions when you are trying to tell others not to do it here but don't do anything to stop it there. So, there is your irony: your comment about "hero worshiping" coming from a guy who swims in a generalize "hero worshiping" is just too contradictory. You aren't actively doing anything to anyone, other than impart an opinion which doesn't seem consistent to me.

That's all, my personal opinion as to why I can't take your comment about hero worshipping as anything but ironic.
>> No. 122291
>>122287
>>122287

>contradictions

My stated opinion is I do not like hero worship, and I suggested that it should end. That is my opinion. Whether I choose to act on it or not is irrelevant, and my inaction in any regard is not contradictory to my opinion.

>Remember this too: most people don't even go to say "thank you prereader X", they say "thank you prereaders".

Pre-readers provide a service. Thanking them is not equivocal of hero worship. My best suited parallel is thanking a soldier for his service to the country; this is not hero worship. Idolizing them, is.

>not to do it here but don't do anything to stop it there

That's not what I said. The implications by the statement made do not mean that it is bad exclusively for /fic/. Hero worship is generally bad. It's not mentally healthy. Why you think I can somehow contradict that position by not opening up a ward to help people with problems regarding hero worship is pretty ridiculous. I don't have to do anything to hold an opinion on this issue and have it be consistent—Similarly, I don't have to donate to charity even though I think too many people are poor. But I do anyways.

>So, there is your irony:

So it's not irony.

>this is to simply shrug

You don't know my reaction. You're blatantly generalizing opinions from a group you think you know the workings of, which I believe you do not. Even if my reaction is to do nothing, an inaction is not an implicit approval—why are you suggesting this?

>your comment about "hero worshiping" coming from a guy who swims in a generalize "hero worshiping"

I don't "swim" in hero worshiping. As I have said, it's rarely ever present. I rarely have author interactions—outside of /fic/, barely anyone knows that I'm a pre-reader. You don't really know me, so really what you're doing is drawing an unfair generalization of all pre-readers and applying it to me to suit your opinion of the body as a whole.

>is just too contradictory.

It's not a contradiction, you're just committing a Tu Quoque and some hasty generalizations.
>> No. 122293
>>122234
Ah, I'm glad you could enjoy it.

>I find it interesting that they fell as they got their cutie marks, but why does it seem like such a tragedy.

Ah, that was really one of the points. They are marks of dishonor. Or, at least, that's what this story would imply. Sacrificing free will for fate, Celestia murdered her parents, bound herself and her sister to the movement of the heavens, and left forever her paradise home. While I haven't figured exactly why she chose this path, it is reasonable to assume for power--or for another dream as of yet unknown. (I'm not against speculation at this point, because, if I do revise it, I'd like to include concrete details.)

I would like to point out that you didn't answer whether the story would be better if more was added.

I am also not ignorant of that jab you made at your critics through your response to my request. Please, while I do value your opinion--everyone's opinion to some degree--I find that particular derailment ridiculous and counterproductive.
>> No. 122298
>>122293

I'm not Bleeding Raindrops, but in the interest of moving this thread away from the utter derailment that it is currently undergoing, I'll pretend that part of that post was directed to me.

Your fic could've done with more words added to it. Most of the fics in this contest could've, truth be told, if only to save everyone from needing to post 'clarification' on what they've already said. As much as I appreciate that readers should be expected to spend some time reading between the lines, we are writing fanfiction here, a hobby that is almost entirely populated by amateurs. The default reaction is to not give the writer the benefit of the doubt and to instead assume that he has made some form of a mistake. Because of that, having a greater word count in which to express yourself would be useful solely for the purposes of clarity.

To specify it to your fic, however, I'd spend some more time fleshing out your introduced characters, as well as the world they inhabit. Seven hundred and thirty three words is not nearly enough room in which to wrestle out three new characters and a new location without them feeling underdone.

I wouldn't suggest completely filling in all the bits between your scenes, however. Keep up the time jumps and just add more jumps into them. Give us more of a clue as to why Celestia and Luna had to fall. Give us more hints as to what it means by them rebelling: that it has significance is clear, but why it is significant is not. Spend more time fleshing out the relationships between characters. Just... well, give the fic space to breathe, especially now that it's no longer confined to a sub 1 K word count.

There. I've opinion dumped. I feel so unclean.
>> No. 122299
>>122283
>>122270
All that discordance. Yumyumyumyumyum, delicious.
>> No. 122306
>>122222
Well, solid middle of the pack this time around. At least I got better than 5 this time. (yay?)

Good show, all around.

And yes, congratulations to all the winners.
>> No. 122314
>>121654
Just a clarification here: the content guidelines on the T rating are pretty slack. Swearing isn't even close to the line. As long as it isn't straight up smut/gore you should be all right.
>> No. 122315
Eventually
>for now,
Missed capitalization
>The faint silhouette of the trees outside began to stand out against the increasingly blueing sky. She could hear the birds begin to chirp outside.
Repetition of "begin" in a short space. This is one of the most overused verbs.
Mechanically, quite clean. There were only a couple of other things I noticed, but they were minor or flow versus right/wrong issues. You've captured Rarity's personality very well. She's almost a slave to her work, but actually gets satisfaction from it. You even played the generosity angle a bit, which I'd like to see accentuated a bit more. Here, she seems more concerned with the business aspect: making money, satisfying the client, and keeping up her reputation. A few minor mentions of extras she'd thrown in and how it made her feel good to do so would go a long way. Now, we've gone from 400 to 600 to 750 words in the /fic/ mini write-offs, and if some managed to complete a story in 400, surely 750 is enough. We have tension built here, but nothing is resolved. It's a great scene, but it's not a story, well-written though it is.

A Deal to Last a Lifetime
>a wheeled chair squeaking away as its chin
The "its" here really wants to refer to the chair, not the chin.
>the thick string of ichor dangling from his cheek quivering like a goober
You've got two successive participles modifying "string," which always bogs a sentence down.
>just give me it.
That just sounds odd.
>Oh, and a word to the wise;
Feels more like a dash or colon
>big wig
One word, unless you literally mean a large mop of hair
>Scootaloo ignored the pinch wrote down the request
Missing word
>‘Thrill of the hunt’
No reason to capitalize that. Given that it's a quote, I'm surprised you didn't use a similar font to the one for Death. Bravo on that, btw.
I like this story. Nice macabre humor, then the twist ending. And that ending. Y'all know how I love open interpretations. Here goes. I think Scoot can feel the touch to her side because her wings aren't there covering her sides. So her wish to be with Dash was traded by her wish to fly. So they don't know what dream they're giving up? Or Scootaloo gave it up voluntarily? Maybe that's her realization... that she remembers doing it. I also had an explanation of how the subversion was that she had Rainbow's wings, and Dash couldn't fly anymore. But I can't brain how that worked now. Anyway, technically, Scoot could still live in Cloudsdale, because the magic that lets her walk on clouds would still be there, and she would only need help getting to and from the city. Or not? Is it contained in the wings? Hm. Overdone premise, blah blah. Still well-written. And as a reviewer, I'd rather read a skillfully done cliche than an amazing premise with butchered language. I rank stories by quality more so than enjoyment.

Essence of a Dream
>Decorations littered the floors such as hanging balloons and streamers.
Watch your modifier placement. The "such as" phrase would seem to describe the floors.
>Peekaboo
Why capitalized?
>In the center was a room was a table.
I believe you meant "center of the room."
>Her friends looked like they were laughing but Twilight couldn’t hear anything.
Missing comma
>said a voice besides her
beside
>colors shifted from vibrant pastel colors
repetitive
>He just shook his head.
Belongs in the next paragraph with his actions and speech.
>well I can’t really answer that.
Capitalize
A couple other minor things. Interesting idea. I'd be curious as to how Twilight is self-aware, but none of the others are. Is this stallion showing the real her the dream, or is she something that faces its own mortality once the dream ends? And what is his motivation to become involved? I'm on the fence about whether this constitutes a story. There is a slight conflict introduced: that Pinkie is much more insecure than would seem. And there is a bit of resolution given that Twilight is now aware of it, but if that's not the real Twilight, nothing will come of it. It's not a bad setup for a story, but it leaves open too many questions about where it's going and what got it started in the first place. It's rather on the telly side, but the writing quality isn't bad, and Twilight's characterization rings true.

Voices
>fools errand
fool's errand
>They would drink it, and begin to act strange.
strangely
>“Good.
Need a close quote
>Take-- Take me instead.
Use a proper em dash, unspaced (or en dash with space on both sides), and don't capitalize the second word. It no longer starts the sentence.
Nice world building, but it's actually too much. We get introduced to so many characters in rapid succession that it's impossible to keep up with them all. Aside from the one teeny instance of a flying character, there's nothing here that's intrinsically pony. This could just as easily be a human story. The opening scene is just talking heads, which loses a lot of the emotional content. And much of the action here seems extraneous to the actual conflict. We do get a feel for the atmosphere and that there are several subplots playing out, but the one related directly to the dream doesn't need the rest of them as this fic stands. Some of that word count could have been used to explain why the dream was the only way to get the desired information, and how the characters know that to be the case. It hints at a lot of vague back story. It would make a nice seed for an extended adventure story.

Stalking an Idol
>a hat covered his mane
That's... odd, considering the mane goes all the way down the neck.
>it was him
Technically, "it was he."
>She pushed her spiky orange hair back to make sure it wasn't poking out of her hiding spot and held her breath. Satisfied that he wasn't being followed
Notice how you're jumping perspectives here. These sentences each require the narrator to be privy to the thoughts of a different character. While that's not strictly off-limits, it's a bad idea to skip around to abruptly or often. Best to stick with one character here and convey the other by what others can perceive about him.
>Whadda
Usually "whaddya."
>Please, please, please?” she pleaded.
youdontsay.jpg
>squee
Not really a word, and generally inadvisable to use.
>Captain
Inconsistent about capitalizing this.
>She tilted his head at him
Sounds rather rude of her.
>"I've got what it takes. “
Extra space, and it broke the smart quotes.
>everyday
"Everyday" doesn't mean the same thing as "every day."
>Kid
Why capitalized?
This story was cute. It got a little talking heads toward the end as you ran out of word count. Another one where I'm on the fence about whether it constitutes a scene or a story. The only real conflict is about whether Blaze will relent, and he does, but nobody's character develops any as a result. Since he's the only one that changes, at least it's good that he's the primary focus character, but he really should be the only focus character. Maybe a little on the obvious side, but not bad.

Rainfall in Providence
>A fountain stood in the middle of the plaza, gently running bubbly white water over its mottled stone.
Repetition of plazw from previous sentence. If water's running "gently," it wouldn't be bubbling or white.
>She had all she wanted: food, drink, and entertainment of every flavor; loving subjects, servants, and friends; everything that she could wish for…
I don't see the point of the semicolons. The items between them are loosely grouped, but you're not expounding on any of them.
>“Darling—” he stated, stepping forward.
Accentuate the interruption by having it be last. That way, the very next thing we read is what interrupts it. It doesn't work here because it sounds like he still has time to walk after he's cut off.
>She gestured to the clime beyond her open window.
You don't need a period on a parenthetical interruption like this. The only end punctuation you'd use would be ! or ?
>shying from the occasional thunder
Not sure why they'd do this. Thunder itself isn't dangerous.
>With a wet smack and a sonorous thud
Missing comma after introductory phrase
>Stopping to take a breath, lying with her under the rainfall, he asked
Stacked participial phrases
>“No fair, I’ve caught you—“
Smart quotes can break, often at dashes or with leading apostrophes. Your close quotes are backward.
You have a number of odd capitalizations. A bit telly in places. Well, you create a nice atmosphere. This felt like you hit the word count limit and weren't able to redistribute your verbiage throughout. I don't get what's happening at the end. Where did Luna come from? Why is she being cast out when it's never implied she was complicit? The mother's reaction makes it seem like this eventuality was expected, yet there's no bridge to suggest how canon Celestia could have done something like this. You've got a commendable amount of storytelling packed in there, but either this is an AU story, or you need to show how this Celestia becomes canon. Diction and style were mostly good.

Poachers
>all clearly like
Nitpick, but when using that speech pattern, usually the adjective form prevails: all clear-like
>lightshow'll
"Light show" is two words.
>a-grade
Grades are generally capital letters, and I've always seen this phrase as "grade-A."
That description where the mist coalesces into a creature had very repetitive sentence structure.
>its back was staring right at me
I assume you meant "it was staring right back at me."
>and true to their word
Word repetition. Quite literally.
This story hints at some odd things that it doesn't really have time to explore. Why would the griffin be seen around Ponyville? Gilda's the only one to show up before, and everyone in town had never seen one before. It's also unusual for a criminal in that situation honor his end of the agreement. Either he's confident that Rarity won't talk (which you've implied) or he's moved on to where he doesn't care. In any case, I'd think Rarity would want to report what happened, if only to prevent it from happening to someone else. Consider how useful Fluttershy's animal affinity or Applejack's herding skills might be. Surely, others in town might be in danger. It's also not clear what use that creature might be. It could range anywhere from exotic pet to laboratory/food use. And what was keeping it from returning to mist form to escape the net? That seems like an odd way to snare such a creature. Why its attraction to gems? A bit telly, but that's tougher to avoid with a first-person narrator. Novel premise, and pretty well done. The dynamic between sister was handled nicely.


Hearth's Warming Cards
>holding a letter in his teeth.
Would be nice to see this affect his speech, either by imitating it or through word choice/description.
>‘n
Watch your smart quotes/apostrophes. They can break. This one's backward.
>one full-grown and healthy, the other small and deformed.
I see. Why didn't you name her Nemo?
>her face grew nostalgic again
Nostalgic is an attitude, not a physical description. Show me her expression.
>talking
Be consistent with her accent.
>With that
Ugh. These self-referential phrases need to be purged from narration everywhere.
Cute story. I'm getting an inconsistent picture of each character, though. Sweetie Belle "putting on" a smile implies that it's forced, but it's such a slight suggestion that it's easy to miss. Apple Bloom glances at her dust-covered toolbox, but she doesn't react at all. We never see her be anything but upbeat. Scootaloo seems completely unfazed by her situation. It's unclear to me whether the CMC's actually believe these things about each other. That would seem untenable—being a Wonderbolt, in particular, would be easy to disprove. So I'm guessing the girls are just talking each other up. But what price was paid in giving up these dreams? I don't get a sense that they are dissatisfied with their jobs. In fact, Scootaloo, who has the most menial job of them all, is the one who fails to show any regret whatsoever. Sweetie Belle, the only one to appear at all wistful, seems to have the most rewarding interactions in her employment. Thus, I can't tell whether your message was "ho hum, had to embrace boring reality" or "childish things pass, and they found new paths." Maybe a little of both? Only the bit of snow at the beginning tied the story to a calendar. I'd have like to see more Hearth's Warming references with the other characters as well, beyond just the cards. Good job, though. I rather liked this one.
>> No. 122319
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122319
Heheh, I'm actually quite happy with my position. It really wasn't a very good story and I rushed it, just to see what I could come up with.

My own confession: I wasn't able to read all of the stories. I would have written a few reviews for everyone, but I've just been so busy this week it's unreal.

The ones I read were great, though, and my personal favourite of the ones I read was 'A Deal to Last a Lifetime'.

Good job, everyone! I look forward to the next one: hopefully the longer word count will let me stretch my legs a little better. As always, this has been great fun!

Oh, and thanks Roger. The website is damn fine and it all worked great for me. +100 internets.

maybe I'll submit some art too~
>> No. 122320
>>122299
wouldn't it just be discord, like the show?
>> No. 122322
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122322
>>122315
And suddenly I find myself on the other side of the mirror, in the curious position of not understanding why my story was misunderstood. I had thought it clear enough that the point of the story was to tell a story, while not telling a story. The separate plots were simply the characters' individual views on the situation at hand. They attempted to create diverse characterizations, while giving pieces of the puzzle that, when assembled, would add up to the overall plot. Through their individual point of views, with enough effort on the reader's part—although clearly I asked too much of them—it could be deduced that they had all lived in a tribe, where the water supply had gone bad, and they had had to leave.

The chief, Night Strider, had drank the water and become ill. He hallucinated a dream and believed it to be the answer to their troubles, and led them on a journey. Several ponies died on the journey to nowhere, and Night Strider lost more of his sanity with each passing night, even thinking that the voices in his head would give him the answer if he allowed them to take the lives of his kin. That much I had thought to be obvious.

What I am not surprised that nopony picked up on, was that they were chasing a dream in the sense that they all dreamed of a sanctuary, but they were paying for it with their lives, and they would still never reach it. It was supposed to be a double meaning.

Another problem is one I simply could not find a way to avoid. That is, the OCs. their names were mostly unimportant, and keeping track of them was entirely unnecessary. The point was to follow the secondary story, because they didn't actually do anything in the time frame covered.

And then, of course, there is the point that this wasn't pony. Indeed, I did not find a way to fit into 750 748 words enough detail to nail them down as ponies. I had intended to find a name for the disease, and several other factors, but I guess it was a fool's errand.
Tl;Dr this story didn't really belong in this competition, and we all knew it, but I tried anyway.

>thread's about to autosage, who wants to shoot at me? :D
>> No. 122331
>>122322
I deduced all of that from the story. It's not that you didn't have all of the parts, it's that they didn't add up to a whole that was satisfying in its execution or result.

My interpretation was that he got the vision dreams, ones that would supposedly lead to their freedom, in exchange for his sanity. Your explanation is actually lacking since the dreams came after the search for refuge. More specifically, after ponies had begun to die. Ergo, them dying is not the price for the dream; more like a down-payment, it anything.
>and they would still never reach it.
There is nothing to hint at them utterly failing (from what I can remember). You're expecting the reader to make complete conjuncture at that point.

>>122319
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Is there anything you think needed improving or was especially effective?

>>122315
Still making a reply.
>> No. 122332
>>122315
>The "its" here really wants to refer to the chair, not the chin.
The chair was added in after-the-fact since I decided to overcompensate on the surrounding details after my last story was accused of being too talking-heads-ish. As such, I appear to have botched the addition.

>You've got two successive participles modifying "string," which always bogs a sentence down.
Duly noted. I'll cut the loose strings bu-dum-pish.

>Feels more like a dash or colon
I've always been iffy about semi-colons in dialogue. I'll change it to a dash.

>One word, unless you literally mean a large mop of hair
Hey, it's Tartarus, baby! Anything goes down here.
Actually, I think I might just make his boss a demonically possessed mop now...

>Missing word
Damnit, I went over that sentence no less than three times when remaking it and I still screwed it up.

>Given that it's a quote, I'm surprised you didn't use a similar font to the one for Death.
Damn, you're right, I totally should have. Since it's a quote though shouldn't it be capitalized? I will admit I'm not quite familiar with the rules for that.
>Bravo on that, btw.
I was wondering if anyone would notice. Thanks ^_^

>I like this story
Glad I could give you something worthwhile to read.

>Nice macabre humor
My favourite kind.

>then the twist ending.
I'm not sure if I'd call it a "twist ending". However, your bit about Scoots getting Dash's wings gave me an idea for an alternate ending which would certainly fit that description. I'll see if I can't whip up something later tonight.

>Anyway, technically, Scoot could still live in Cloudsdale, because the magic that lets her walk on clouds would still be there
I decided to run with the headcanon that the wings are necessary for a pegasus to walk on clouds.

>Overdone premise, blah blah.
Scootaloo being an orphan adopted by Dash? Yes, I suppose so. I just didn't least want to do another story with her wanting to fly and instead decided to subvert it with her other actual, canon dream.
>> No. 122334
>>122332
>Since it's a quote though shouldn't it be capitalized? I will admit I'm not quite familiar with the rules for that.
If it's an attributable quote, as in he's relating a specific thing that someone has said, then it would be capitalized. If it's not really a specific instance, or a case where you're using the quotes for a euphemism, or a situation where you'd envision using "air quotes" (heh), then you don't capitalize. This case seemed like one where the phrase is said quite often. If you meant the line to be something that was only ever said once, then it is a quote of a specific instance, and would be capitalized.
>> No. 122336
>>122331
On that one, actually, there was the hint of Thunderstreak noting that the horizon had not changed in weeks. He knew they were going nowhere, but he was following Grassblade. Also, they began the search only after the animals started going crazy, and I stated that "the fates had allowed him to remember the dream only after he'd gone mad from drinking the water" indicating that the search in fact did not begin until the dreams started.
>> No. 122337
>>122315
Wow, ouch!

I think I need now to walk the path of shame and sacrifice my word processor to the almighty semicolon. Anyway, I suppose I'll think hard on exactly how Celestia'a character develops.

Also, to my impressionist mind, bubbling and gentle is not a contradiction. Though I meant more "clear" than really "white."

>Accentuate the interruption by having it be last. That way, the very next thing we read is what interrupts it. It doesn't work here because it sounds like he still has time to walk after he's cut off.

Ah, unless he is interrupted by his own stepping forward...

Not buying it? I guess I'll have to sacrifice my typewriter to the mighty em dash.

I didn't know stacking participle phrases was any kind of crime. There goes my keyboard.
>> No. 122339
>>122334
Well, it was supposed to be something Dᴇᴀᴛʜ himself said (which is why I lamented my forgetting to make it small caps in my initial reply), so it would have been capitalized.

>>122336
Very well. I admittedly did not go back to the story to double-check my facts. I'm at work, so I'm trying to spit these replies out as fast as my ability allows.
>> No. 122342
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122342
>>122315
Thanks for the review. I think the story's biggest problem is, as you've said, making it believable that the criminals would honour their end of the bargain and that Rarity wouldn't report them. I'll give some thought to the former, and, come to think of it, I don't think there's any reason why I should stop Rarity from reporting the criminals, so I'll probably do that.

On another note, an extended version of Thirty Dollars will be hitting the front page of FIMFiction soon.
>> No. 122346
Pancakes and Apples
Now that I know who wrote this one, it might help to discuss a couple of things here relative to another review I recently did...

I liked what you were trying to do here, but this is why it didn't work for me:

We get a repeating pattern that doesn't go anywhere. Pancakes to apples to hearts/blood. Over and over again. And nothing was really different each time. A little different in the circumstances that bring each about, but no difference in what happens with each. This leads to the second issue.

The repetition didn't build. It really was just repetition. We weren't eased into it at the beginning, so we were already at full blast. Or as full-blast as it gets. The severity didn't ramp up, so it doesn't build toward anything. Each time through the motif, something significantly different should happen to distinguish it from the previous loop. And that leads into the third issue.

Related, but more specific: Applejack's reaction to it never changes. In fact, we don't get a reaction. Now, having no reaction to these images is certainly disturbing in and of itself, but we're left to infer even that. We aren't shown that she's impassive toward what she sees, and either that or some sense of revulsion would be needed to establish an emotional tone to the story.

The whole thing felt too factual, where it should feel emotionally raw, even if that emotion is indifference. Build up the tension of what she sees and increase her horror at it or increase the reader's unease that she's just taking it in stride.

You've got a usable horror/psycho premise here. Now make it come alive.
>> No. 122353
>>122293
Whoa whoa. I missed this.

Cutie marks represent being bound by destiny.

That is fucking beautiful. If you don't write that, I will.

I didn't ask for reviews on To Equestria because the comments I saw already let me know the mistakes I made, and because really the story was just a cute idea written for the sake of this contest. It doesn't have anything more to say than what it already said, so I'll just put it in the "really short little fun things" bin and move on.

Glad people liked it!

Still upset that people votebombed it for some reason!
>> No. 122372
>>122353

>That is fucking beautiful. If you don't write that, I will.

Y'know, it's a funny thing, but... I'm kind of playing around with this idea in my own fic. I haven't gotten to the point in the narrative when it becomes relevant yet, but it's part of the plan.
>> No. 122374
>>122346
Sweet, a bonus review.
I'm glad you brought the repetition up. It was something I was worried about, but no one really mentioned so I didn't think it was a problem. While writing it, I originally thought that sticking with the same pattern was going to mean something. Then I finished and realized that it didn't go anywhere. However, out of laziness, I decided not to edit to heavily. This was the last story I wrote and right before I fell asleep. A crappy excuse, but it's all I got. Same thing also goes for the lack of emotion. I made a decision to avoid showing a reaction in favor of more imagery, due to the limited word count. Alas, I probably could have struck a balance and done just fine.

However, now that the write-off is done, and I've got some time before the next write-off, I'll try and spruce this up a bit. Make it less repetitive and more emotional. Anyway, thanks for the "free" review Pascoite.
>> No. 122376
>>122315
Thanks a lot! Error fixed, will ruminate on the generosity angle. As for "it's not a story"... Well, I didn't mean for it to have a story as much as I did for it to set a scene. Is it that big of a problem?

And thank you to everyone who posted a review.
>> No. 122412
Hoorah, we autosaged a minific contest. I hope y'all are proud.

>>122353
>>122372

Hold up there, gentlemen. While I'm not one to loose his cool for the sole fact another's story is thematically similar, I'm still planning to expand on my ideas. Now, don't get me wrong, if anyone wants to explore that particular theme--it is indeed a good one--do go ahead. Just don't take anything wholesale from me, as I might just take offense.
>> No. 122415
>>122412

Oh, no worries, mate. I've got a much different interpretation of Equestria's history going in my story. "Destiny" is simply one theme which occupies a considerable part of the narrative, and one of the characters cites cutie marks as evidence of its influence on every pony's life.
>> No. 122418
>>122315
Woo! Many thanks.

>>holding a letter in his teeth.
>Would be nice to see this affect his speech, either by imitating it or through word choice/description.
*repeats the phrase "Apple Bloom? Mail's here" like fifteen times with his teeth together, and is glad he lives alone* Eh, it doesn't seem to be affecting me too much, and I kinda prefer to undersell it after one embarrassing time of overdoing it far too much :3. An extra description would probably suffice.

>Why didn't you name her Nemo?
*facehoof* heh... While that's a little too on-the-nose, I might just end up changing her color scheme to orange and white >_>

>Nostalgic is an attitude, not a physical description. Show me her expression
Eeyup. Was short on word count lazy, got caught.

>I'm getting an inconsistent picture of each character, though.
That's what I'm noticing. The more feedback I'm getting, I'm noticing that everyone is coming away with different opinions on each of the characters. While I normally see that as a sign of engaging storytelling, I think this time it's a sign of vagueness on my part. Scoots's lack of any signs of regret is an out-and-out mistake, Sweetie was a little too subtle and a little too rewarded as you pointed out, and AB was a bit too heavy-handed in comparison, I think. Still, I've gotten at least one commenter now on each of the CMC, claiming "___ got shafted the most", and I do enjoy seeing those differing opinions.

>Thus, I can't tell whether your message was "ho hum, had to embrace boring reality" or "childish things pass, and they found new paths." Maybe a little of both?
tl;dr'ing my earlier post, yeah a bit of both. If you pretend I fixed Scoots's scene, they all show a bit of regret, yet life really isn't as bad as they see it.
>> No. 122419
Time for a new thread, then?

>New prompt is "Deal with the Devil"
I'd like to think my mini was the reason for it, but I'm probably overselling myself. Regardless, I have a plan in store, but I'm worried about it being identified since it's mashing several ideas I've publicly announced before together. Hopefully people have a shorter memory span than I give them credit for.
>> No. 122420
>>122418
On seeing Scootaloo as the worst off... I completely missed what her job was. I thought she was just helping out that young filly and taken her on like Dash did for her. With Derpy's involvement, I assumed Scoot was a postal worker.
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