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121202 No. 121202
#Reviewer

Hello! How are you this evening? Or morning. Honestly, this site runs 24/7, so it could be any time of day—or night—for you right now. I’m Bleeding Raindrops, but you can call me Rain, Raindrops, or whatever else you desire.

Anywho, this isn’t a normal review thread. I’m basically a prereader of sorts. No, not for EqD. What I’ll do is look at your story—once—and respond with my opinion, and the impression left by the more prominent scenes in your story, and I will pay special attention to specific scenes upon request. I will not be looking at your story a second time, as this is a first reactions thread, and not an editor's grotto. I will likely not have a sudden epiphany over your writing even after you've corrected it for em-dash usage.

I will not be rating your story or pointing out story holes and grammar mistakes. However, the information I provide will still be crucial to your story, as it will analyze:

*Clarity of descriptions
*Confusing scenes or segments
*Portrayal of emotions
*Characterization

SUBMISSION RULES

1. No resubmissions.
2. No submissions longer than 5,000 words. However, depending on genre and/or synopsis, I may be more lenient. I greatly enjoy sad and/or dark stories, so feel free to send those in abundance.
3. Any format is accepted. Submissions are not limited to GDocs.
4. No gore or sex, as per Ponychan's rules. If you have to ask, don't post it; instead, shoot it to me in an email, and I'll let you know if I'm willing to look it over under the table.
5. Please include a title, author's name, appropriate tags, a link to the story, a synopsis, and word count in your submission.
6. If you have a scene that you would like me to focus on, please include that in a request at the end of your submission.

THE QUEUE

The queue will close if it reaches ten stories, and will not reopen until it drops below five. This is so that I am not swamped, and have time to recover should this occur.

Curious where you are in the queue? Check it out here:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ama-ywgZrtyvdE1ZYlRLSGs1bnFFR0RucEFuZkNzdkE#gid=0


If you need to contact me, ping me in the IRC or send me an email.
IRC: http://client.canternet.org/?channels=fic&prompt=1&uio=d4
Email: [email protected]
89 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 126734
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126734
*I'm mostly worried about the characters and the second scene. Please tell me all of your thoughts on it.

Title: A Butterfly Dies in the Wind

Author: Kookie Crave

Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Slightly Dark but not enough for a full-fledged tag.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/84839/a-butterfly-dies-in-the-wind

Synopsis: In a world where the elements were actually prisons containing monstrous beings bent on achieving harmony and power. The late Princess Celestia has gone missing for 1000 years and Equestria is nothing but a shadow of its former glory as ponies have forsaken what they believed in long ago. It is believed that her sister is to be returning from her prison from the moon and she, co-wielder of the elements may have the ability to destroy them once and for all.

But this story isn't about Nightmare but Posey, cursed Bearer of Kindness and her desire to let go of her grief toward her mother.

Word count: 5,025
>> No. 126757
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126757
Something's come up—my life has become increasingly busy, and I don't have the time I used to have. I have to close the queue indefinitely for the time being. I'll be requesting a thread lock in a week or less.

>>126734
I'm going to try to look this over within the week, but I can't promise anything. Sorry.
>> No. 126770
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126770
>>126757
Take your time. Life waits for no-one, after all. I guess I'll look else where for the time being.
>> No. 126822
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126822
>>126734
In which, Posey the Fluttershy violently murders a bunch of helpless butterflies.

The Mane Events
A young, low ranking druid named Posey enters a cavern. There she battles giant acid spitting plants, even tricking one of them into spitting onto the rock beside her to create a passage through to a sort of antechamber, which she then enters. In the antechamber Posey talks to herself for a while, going on and on about her terrible mother, and some monster.

Eventually, she is visited by three butterflies, which argue with her over her violence, saying it is not necessary. She kills them and soon an entire swarm comes to carry her off. She battles the swarm of butterflies until finally she kills them all and they take on the form of a giant caterpillar, climbing onto her back and holding a knife to her neck. Posey merges with the entity and it begins to break her bones from the inside, causing her enough pain to pass out.

The scene changes to a few other ponies, discussing whether or not they should kill Posey. One named Hillsong eventually convinces them to let her live, because he is taking care of her.

Between The Lines
The Spirit of Kindness is two entities, and one of them is a sad and angry being, living among the druids. She must endure the cruelty of her element in order to protect the balance of her other half.

Synopsis Review
Intriguing, somewhat promising, and ultimately: a red herring. Perhaps I’m using the term incorrectly, but your synopsis leads the reader completely off track before saying, “Oh, yeah, this is actually what the story is about, not that”. It’s not bad, but it’s very misleading until the final sentence.

My Thoughts
What the bloody hell was that?! You can’t just expect me to assume that train wreck had much coherence. I may have well have taken an acid tablet to get the same experience. That was weird.

What even is Posey. I’m really struggling to follow what’s going on here, and why mention that she’s a druid? That didn’t have anything to do with the rest of the plot. There was no point to that, and it was quite boring to read. I would compare this story to… well, Discord. All the parts are there, but they’re slapped together in such disharmony that the whole thing just looks… ugly.
For some added input, if you should so desire, here is a recording of me reading this story. I apologize for the audio syncing on the second one. I worked on it for a half hour and gave up due to time constraints.
https://dl.dropbox.com/u/97125549/butterfly%201.avi
https://dl.dropbox.com/u/97125549/butterfly2.avi


Special Requests
>I'm mostly worried about the characters and the second scene. Please tell me all of your thoughts on it.
Honestly, it’s really hard to remember all of their names, or even what was being discussed, because I was so focused on trying to understand what was going on in the first place. I think one of them thought she was evil and just wanted her dead, One thought she was dangerous and should be left alone, one of them felt sorry for her, and one of them wanted to keep her alive and suffering. That’s about as far as I got. I remember the names Hillside, Bath, Maple, and Warren, but other than that it’s all a blur. I used to much mental energy just trying to comprehend the events in the story.


Last edited at Sun, Feb 24th, 2013 16:14

>> No. 127134
Unlocked by request.
>> No. 127141
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127141
Well, it's been a month, and I'm back. I've found some books, picked up a few puzzles, and found my mind sharp again. I guess it's time to flip the open sign.

THE QUEUE IS NOW OPEN for business and I'm eager to start helping out again.

>>127134
Thanks again.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 24th, 2013 10:07

>> No. 127223
Title: The Desert
Author: Ladypteranodon
Tags: Slice-of-Life
Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B10Pz6grrb_EQ0gzOXp1NGFpbkU/edit?usp=drive_web
Sypnosis: Star Swirl has been traveling the world in search of a time spell. But when he finally finds one, he gets an extra surprise: a spell that a mysterious unicorn calls "his destiny". But after a series of mistakes causes him to take a long detour to a terrible desert colony, he starts to wonder if his destiny is really that close at all.
Word count: 10,606 but I'm only asking for the first 5,000 or so (the link goes to the first 5,000). But anyways, if you're not totally and completely bored and want to read more... *hint, hint*

Last edited at Mon, Apr 1st, 2013 21:12

>> No. 127491
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127491
H'okay. Let's get back in the swing of things.

>>127223
>32 days old
Crap.

My esteemed apologies, Ladypteranodon, for disappearing without notice like that. If you're still around, just reply back to this, and I'll try to get to your story within the week.
>> No. 127492
>>127491
I'm still here. And honestly, I'm happy for any review, even if I have to wait for 32 days

Last edited at Sat, May 4th, 2013 21:01

>> No. 127503
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127503
This kinda sounds like the exact thing I need right now, I'm very early on in a project and I just want to know if it's painful or not to read.

There's nothing really pony related in it yet, but I'm not really sure where else to ask for a hand on this

Would really appreciate a little preread (it's 5 pages thus far, 1300 words) but if not I hope guys have a good one anyway
>> No. 127505
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127505
>>127503
Send me the story info and I'll give it a look in the next few days.


>>127233
In which, Starswirl and Sombra become mortal enemies.

The Mane Events

Starswirl meets a unicorn who gives him a spell book which contains two spells. He tries to cast the first spell, modifies it, and determines that it can’t be used. Then he meets a mare who has tied herself up. She claimed to be trapped, and seems to be trying to win him over for something. He unties her, ignores her various approaches, and walks her home. Her father (KING FUCKING SOMBRA) tries to convince him to teach her magic. He refuses, and leaves. Some time later, Somba contacts him. They meet—after Starswirl waits for hours—and Sombra shows Starswirl an orb of souls he has acquired. Sombra threatens Starswirl, and I forget the rest.


Between The Lines

Starswirl searches for his destiny, meanwhile crossing paths with the evil Sombra, a greedy, power hungry (somehow evil), unicorn who has a grudge against Starswirl for literally no reason at all.


Synopsis Review

Well, you mentioned his destiny, but the rest of this gets lost in the reading.


My Thoughts

Um, no. The idea is boring, the characters are boring, the infodumps are boring, and your stupid present tense narration is doing a pretty good job of shooting you in the foot. I would scrap this and start over if it were me. Better yet, I wouldn’t start over at all. But that’s just me.


Video: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/97125549/Video%20Review%20-%20The%20Desert.mp4
>> No. 127506
>>127505
Yep, that's about what I expected. The audio in the video cuts out about a third of the way through, though. I don't know if it's my crappy computer or something wrong with the video
>> No. 127507
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127507
>>127506
It could be the video. I'll check it out.
>> No. 127508
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127508
REVIEW: UNTITLED

>>127503
In which, a couple of military thugs get left in the dark.

The Mane Events

Some guy whose name escapes me, and this other guy whose name escapes me, meet on the way to their mission, and they enter this… area, where it’s all quiet and such. Then the lights flicker. They ask each other what the problem could be, and the lights go off entirely. They call in on the radio, and get no response. One of them is a private and… honestly that’s all I remember. Your story was not very memorable


Between The Lines

… A couple of army guys were conspired against? There’s no way I can infer something from what little there is here.


Synopsis Review

There would be more words here if you had included a synopsis.


What I Thought Of It

You know, I would really appreciate it if when I’m forced to scrape my eyes across a boring and uninteresting story, that the author would at least have the decency to put ponies in it. Particularly because this is Ponychan—I’m here for the pony fiction. I also wish I could have had some idea of what I was getting into. “Read my story it’s 1300 words long” tells me absolutely nothing about it. It says right in the thread OP: title, appropriate tags, a synopsis. These things are not only fairly simple to come up with, they’re essential components of any story intended to be showcased.

Ranting aside, I thought your story was boring, and very confusing due to my lack of knowledge of weapons. Furthermore, it didn’t fit my interests.


Video: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/97125549/Untitled%20review.mp4

Last edited at Fri, May 10th, 2013 18:12

>> No. 127533
I have a sad/dark story that is over your limit of 5k words. It is approximately 6700 at the moment. My question is, since your queue is empty, would it be okay if I posted my synopsis and see if you liked it enough to read it? Seeing as how you mentioned leniency and all.

:D
>> No. 127536
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127536
>>127533
>sad dark
>6.7k
Eh, fine, lets see it. But if you send me drivel, I will not finish it.
>> No. 127537
Fair enough. If you get bored before you finish, then my job as a writer has failed, which means I need a lot of work done. Feel free to be as harsh as possible on me. I need it.

Anyhoo, let me see if I can get the submission guidelines correct.

Name: Creepy Doll

Tags: Sad, Dark

Synopsis: Lyra and Bon Bon have always been close friends, and at times, more than that. When they decide to take the next step and proclaim their everlasting love for each other, a tragedy befalls them. Lyra tries to cope without Bon Bon. When Bon Bon reanimates as a vengeful doll, Lyra wonders whether everlasting love is what it's cracked up to be.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1InZdC5t_jkGJKio0Xv4TiL54ZUAw1VboX9NenMralzQ/edit

Words: 6718

I have also put this in the Training Grounds, but I thought that since your thread focuses on something different, I thought it would be okay to put it here too. If that's not okay, please let me know. Thanks in advance for reading my story and I hope you enjoy it. :D
>> No. 127538
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127538
>>127537
>Philopedes
You're all set. It may take me a few days to find the time, so, just letting you know. And it's totally cool that it's in the Training Grounds. As long as we know who else is looking at it, we won't clash. Keep this thread watched for a few days and I should have it done before too long.
>> No. 127539
>127538

Awesome, thanks. No worries, I don't mind waiting. <3
>> No. 127610
Just wanted you to know I'm still alive and that I didn't disappear on you or anything. Hope finals are going okay. :3
>> No. 127612
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127612
>>127610
>finals
Ha, I wish that was what's been keeping me so busy. I could take a break from that. Nah, I'm a working pony now. Out earning a living. Yet somehow I have the time to type this out. Oh, my bro says we're skipping mountain training today. I've got time, I'll be back in an hour if I can.

Last edited at Wed, May 22nd, 2013 15:06

>> No. 127613
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127613
>>127537
In which, Lyra and Bon Bon become animated plush dolls via dying.

The Mane Events
Bon Bon is taking Lyra to the Grand Galloping Gala. She buys her a diamond necklace, and a dress. They head to the gala, and a stray carriage rolls down the hill toward Lyra. Bon Bon dives into the path of the carriage, pushes Lyra out of the way, and is struck and killed by the carriage. Lyra then finds her dead wife on the ground, and goes home. There is an adorable flashback of when they met, and then Lyra wakes up in her home, alone. After walking around her home for a bit, Lyra begins hearing some strange sounds. Berry Punch (who is apparently her friend) tries to see if she’s okay, because she hasn’t left her house in dats. After further exploration—and another night’s sleep—Lyra discovers that the noises she’s been hearing are from her Bon Bon doll, which has been reanimated by the spirit of her dead wife, Bon Bon.

Bon Bon doll then begins to torment Lyra and chase her around the house until finally Lyra tries to kill her and fails. Bon Bon doll tries to convince Lyra to kill herself, but Lyra has had enough and captures the doll. She puts it in a box of Bon Bon’s things, and then burns the box. Of course, the doll can feel pain, despite ignoring a knife to the head, so it begins screaming. Unable to endure the screaming, Lyra kicks the box, sending burning embers everywhere, and lighting her house on fire, because apparently her fireplace is open and in the middle of the room so this can happen.


Between The Lines
Tormented by the loss of her wife and closest friend, Lyra shuts herself in her house and starts imagining her spouse reanimated as a doll. In her delusioned state, she burns her own home to the ground, killing herself in the process. Reunited with her lover, the two happy souls float off into eternity.


Synopsis Review
Your synopsis made it out as if this was going to be a terrible experience for Lyra, and that the undead soul of her lover would torment her for the rest of her days, and I was actually sort of looking forward to it. Instead, it had a happy ending, and your forboding synopsis was deemed incredibly misleading. Whether intentional or not, I was frustrated by this.

My Thoughts
I thought the death was lame and the Berry Punch schpeal could have been explained better. The flirting was nice, the creepy stalking doll was great, and the ending just ruined the whole mood. Not to mention your feels fell totally flat because we have no connection to Berry Punch. Establish the friendship before the tragedy if you want the reader to feel anything.

Video(s)
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/97125549/Creepy%20Doll%20Review%20%5B1%5D.mp4
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/97125549/Creepy%20Doll%20Review%20%5B2%5D.mp4


Last edited at Wed, May 22nd, 2013 20:30

>> No. 127617
Thanks for the review, BleedingRaindrops!

I'll fix up those things you mentioned right away. There's a lot I have to learn when it comes to trying to write a scary fic, so I must thank you for bearing with me. The next time I submit a fic, I'll make sure that it's better.

Yea, I really need to work on my endings. :(

It's a shame that you won't ever read this story again, even if I do fix it up. But I will take the advice and reaction you've given to me for this story, and I'll make a better one to show other people. You've been a big help, man. <3

You have no idea...

Last edited at Thu, May 23rd, 2013 21:19

>> No. 127623
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127623
>>127617
>It's a shame that you won't ever read this story again, even if I do fix it up
Not in *this* thread, no, but it's possible that it may fall into my hooves again by other means, or in another location.
>> No. 127624
Heh. Perhaps one day. <3
>> No. 127711
Author: Fury of the Tempest

Title: Tales of Hope, Chapter 1

Word count: 1113

Synopsis: The Elements of Harmony. Many people now know of them, know that they have saved Equestira with their power. Yet the Elements reach far beyond the artifacts, their reach is never-ending.

Allow me to tell you a tale or two, a tale of how the Elements have changed the life of one pony forever, and given him something to hold onto... given him hope.

Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mD8psTL2IiIf-bO3Voc6rBozUF060FmV5TwwPaPqtsg/edit
>> No. 127717
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127717
>>127711
You've run into rule 1 of my thread. Unless this is a different chapter, I already reviewed it here ( >>126672).
>> No. 127732
>>127717
Its a complete and utter rewrite. Same name yeah. VASTLY different story.

If that doesn't convince you, the original was the last chapter, while this is the first.
>> No. 127749
Tags:[Adventure][Bittersweet][Unpredictable]

Synopsis: You are a burger-flipper at McDonald's (recently promoted to Assistant Manager!); you work double and triple shifts, heartily and with a smile, to support yourself and your old mother, dreaming to make it big in McDondald's by climbing the echelons one by one. You and your coworkers don't have it easy, but you have faith in the Dream. To recharge your fill of kindness and fuzzy feels, you read pony fiction in the commute, and browse the Internet for pony, late at night. One such night, you sleepily stumble on one absurd suggestion: press Alt + Ctrl + E to go to Equestria.
What follows iurns out to be a recurrent dream, where each iteration branches slightly differently, and the strange rules of dream logic are law. The you that is dreamed searches for the Orb of Time to rescue Equestria from a great peril, while the you that dreams chases, night after night, for that seemingly unreachable happy ending before the inevitable awakening, where all will be forgotten.

A recursive fanfic to "Choose Your Own Adventure: Brony Hero of Equestria", with some ideas stolen from the "Overlord Hard At Work" YA novels, and with Neil Gaiman's the Sandman as a very distant setting. The reader need not be familiar with either work, at all.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zacQQ0lg_90zGAtbCukSM5Vp38YmLDW0fIDqvd_kd10/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127753
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127753
>>127749
>>127711
Okay, you're both in the queue. I'll see to them in the next few days.
>> No. 127758
>>127753
Excellent to know! Through, are you okay with reviewing the story chapter by chapter, or will I only be able to get one chapter reviewed?
>> No. 127760
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127760
>>127758
The point is that this is a candid, first reactions thread. If I haven't read the words yet, it should be fine.
>> No. 127762
>>127760
Great!
>> No. 127805
Title: She Who Walks Between The Petals
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Language: American English
Summary:
Magnolia Crescent, a graduate from Gardenia College and current unemployed loser, has finally managed to get a job at the Lenora Gardens in Canterlot. Even though she is nothing but a glorified janitor with a very useless degree, can't help but wonder what the scientists are up to. Everyday, disgusting smells that she only can smell and the memory gaps. Magnolia doesn't mind any of those things as long as she has a job but when she dreams of being a large flower that eats ponies, something must be done.

Link:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/54891/she-who-walks-between-the-petals

How does it stand out as a horror mystery? Was I too light on anything description wise.
>> No. 127847
>>127805
You don't have to review this story anymore. Thanks for your time.
>> No. 127849
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127849
>>127847
O... k? If that's what you want. One less story for me to look at.
>> No. 127858
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127858
>>127711
In which, filly Fluttershy comforts an unnamed colt in Cloudsdale.

The Mane Events

Unnecessary infodump about Cloudsdale, then a brief mention of some magical sheild. Unnamed Colt peers over the edge of the cloud, contemplating jumping. But then he is assualted by voices of benevolent, then malevolent intent. A voice behind him startles him, and he turns to see a yellow pegasus filly with a pink mane. He notices that she is kind, and he runs to her, crying. She hugs him.


Between The Lines

Unnamed colt has been bullied most of his short life. He doesn't have the confidence to fly, because every time he tries, he is bombarded by the voices of his tormentors. As he goes through a mental breakdown, Fluttershy finds him and, seeing that something is wrong, decides to comfort him.


Synopsis Review

This was merely a snippet of the whole story, so it had no tie in to the synopsis.


My Thoughts

Well, you're correct. This isn't what I read before. I didn't really see the point of it, though. It lacked explanation for why these events were taking place, and ended abruptly. I suspect this is due to the lack of context with the rest of the story. It was merely a snippet after all. Find an editor. Your grammar is awful.
>> No. 127859
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127859
>>127749
In which, you enter equestria by pressing a few buttons on a keyboard.

The Mane Events

Anon (you) works in a burger joint. You flip burgers for a living, and have become friendly with some of the workers there. One woman is a bit annoying to deal with, because she's a single mother with three kids, and she saves all her love for them. This other guy, Jake, is a really cool dude. You got to know him over drinks at a bar one time. You sing "You've got a friend in me" with him at some point. I don't remember why, but the song was enjoyable. You head home after work, and your landlord insists on fixing you dinner. Then you go online, and follow a weird suggestion by some bronies. You wake up in Equestria, starting at Celestia.


Between The Lines

There's not really much to infer, other than that Jake is gay. Oh, and Equestria is real, and you can get there by pushing a few buttons on your keyboard. Can't for the life of me remember what they were. Curse these thread rules. I want to go to equestria.


Synopsis Review

It's shaping up nice. You've promised an interesting premise, and you're delivering. Good work.


My Thoughts

There was a small joke that I chuckled at right near the beginning, but I can't remember what it was. That's okay, though, because I remember the emotions better than the details anyway. What I'll remember is that I enjoyed it. Unfortuneately, MLD kind of ruined this trope for me. Anonymous human has a semi decent to miserable life, finds a means to Equestria, usually through the internet, and bing bang boop. Whether they're a pony, or human, they've got to learn to fit in. Still, this showed promise, and I'm interested in how it shapes up. It's important to set yourself apart from the pack early on, though, but good luck.


Last edited at Tue, Jul 2nd, 2013 03:22

>> No. 127860
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127860
In which, Twilight has a bloody nightmare.

The Mane Events

A vast theater is described. Each seat filled with pony nobility, who are all chuckling at whatever is on stage. Twilight is on stage. She is bound to a chair by razor wire. She tries to move around, but her flesh is cut by the wire. She sees Pinkie Pie, only, it's not Pinkie Pie. Her eyes are sunken in and bloody. Twilight hears a voice. "You are in my world." She asks who it is, to the response "Death". Twilight wakes up in her room. All is well, but she hears the voice again.


Between The Lines

Twilight has a nightmare, possibly of a future event. Pinkie Pie has gone insane, and bound her to a chair with razor wire to torture her, and is showing it off to some sadistic nobles.


Synopsis Review

I like this. It promises so much. Death. Decay. Decline into madness. I'm almost drooling just reading that. It is helped by the prologue delivering a small appetizer before the main course arrives. Delicious!


My Thoughts

Nice art on the prologue there. I'm not exactly a sadist, but blood in fiction always seems to excite me. That said, you didn't use the cheap method of laying on the gore so thick it got boring. No, this is a good amount of seasoning. Just a pinch, to whet the palate.

I was almost lost in the beginning, but it got much better once Twilight became self aware. I found my mouth watering again as I read through her torturous predicament, and I absolutely loved Pinkie Pie's involvement in it. The problem is that I had to get through the intro to get to all that. It wasn't horrendous, but it bored me before the action started. My suggestion would be to put some extra effort into that opening. Make it just a little more gripping. Bait the hook, and reel 'em in. That middle scene is the clincher for the whole story, but the reader has got to get there first.

I look forward to seeing what this story turns into. There's a mountain of potential here.


At long last, it's here. Boy life is busy these days. Hope this helps.

Last edited at Mon, Jun 24th, 2013 16:12

>> No. 127887
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127887
In which, citizens of Ponyville are tortured.

The Mane Events

Pinkie wakes up chained to a chair, with her tongue attached to a hook. She is told that her sisters will be sawed in half if she does not rip her tongue out and press the button on the back of the chair behind her. After a few seconds of contemplating the decision, she decides to save her sisters' lives. The saw about to kill her sisters is stopped, and then another saw cuts her in half.

Rainbow Dash wakes up to find that she can't feel any part of her body, and moving produces ripping sounds. She is told that she is in a cryogenic cell, and her legs are pinned in by hooks. If she is tough enough, she can escape, but the room is going to become steadily colder, and she only has five minutes. Eventually, she makes her way out, and a stallion greets her at the door. He wants to show her the world "The way it was meant to be seen"

Nurse Redheart wakes up in a room with four unconscious bodies. A voice recording tells her that in two minutes acid will rain on top of her, and the key to the door is in one of the bodies. She runs to a bookshelf where she finds a note that says the key is in the heart. The recording tells her about what happened a while ago at the hospital—a terrible deed that she did. She stole the heart of one of the patients to save her friend, but it was a fruitless endeavor, as the patient had cancer in his heart. She finally snaps, carves open the hearts of two of the ponies, and finds the key. She then, crawls outside, her hide completely seared by the acid. She meets Jigsaw, a psychopathic sadist who had escaped from the hospital.


Between The Lines

Jigsaw has been snatching up ponies to torture for his enjoyment, placing each in a personalized "game" that he has designed. If they can endure the pain, they will survive.


Synopsis Review

I don't know if 'overthrow their way of life' is quite the right wording, but then again, you're the author. Telling your readers what the questions are is kind of like explaining a joke. It ruins the atmosphere. If you let the readers ask the questions themselves, you'll get a better response.


My Thoughts

I didn't like this. It felt like just gore for the sake of gore, without much rhyme or reason to it. Now, you may say "Yes, that's the point.” but you’re missing a crucial part of any dark/gore story. Among my favorite Horror movies was “House of A Thousand Corpses” directed by Rob Zombie. A few teenagers looking for some mystery, seek out the house of an infamous serial killer. Once their, their car is sabotaged, and they are attacked, knocked out, and bound up. they are all brutally tortured, and most of them die. Have you read Rainbow Factory? It does a similar thing. It sets up the fillies as just going through their daily lives, when they are thrust into a torturous and murderous situation, and utterly bewildered as to how they got there.

Here’s the crucial point that those to have, and your story doesn’t. They force the audience to think. How—how could these poor unfortunate souls have possibly avoided this terrible situation? But they also leave no solution to this problem. They show the audience exactly how the events unfolded, and there is no point at which the victims could have forseen their doom, and turned back. The audience is left with only one answer: There was no escape. these people were doomed from the start, and their pain was unavoidable. That's why horror stories are so gut wrenching. *Because there is no escape.*

Your story fails on this account, because it begins with the victims already in torture. It provides no explanation for the events leading up to this point, and thus, no story for the audience to search through for an escape route. Because of this, your story loses a lot of its impact, and misses the opportunity to shine like I think it can. Sorry to say that I did not enjoy this. You forgot the peppers, so the curry isn’t spicy.
>> No. 127888
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127888
In which, Twilight has a nightmare about her parents.

The Mane Events

Twilight wakes up in the bathroom. She decides she must have been sleepwalking, and heads back to bed, but not before seeing something in the mirror. It looks like her father, but with the skin pulled back against the bones. She sees the picture of her family with Shining Armor’s face ripped out, her mother’s eyes bleeding, and the glass cracked. She gets chased around the house. She sees Shining Armor. She wakes up screaming which wakes up Spike. She asks him to leave Equestrian Mythology open on the table. He asks if anything is wrong, and she responds “I hope not.”.


Between The Lines

Twilight has a nightmare. Not much more too it. Something might have happened to her family, but not much can be conclusively infered at this stage.


Synopsis Review

Questions in a synopsis are generally a bad idea. They indicate that the author doesn’t have faith that the readers will ask these questions themselves, and they also rob the reader of the opportunity to do just that. Thus, ruining immersion, which is basically shooting your story in the proverbial foot. Or, hoof, in this case.


My Thoughts

Was that supposed to be scary? Scratch that. Was it supposed to be entertaining? All that was was a mish mosh of random freaky stuff. No rhyme or reason, and no coherence either. It was all very rushed and smooshed together. I recommend you work on pacing; this moved way too fast to keep track of everything. I’m fairly certain I missed a few details, and this wasn’t even a thousand words. Not Good. Also, you’ve run into the same problem the last author through here did. You don’t have any buildup—nothing to explain or even foreshadow these events. You need something for your reader to look at and go “could this have been avoided?”. Then—and this is very important—they must be forced to come to the conclusion that there is no possible way this tragedy could have been avoided.

I realize this story is still in the developmental stages, so it’s not all there, but continuing with that last point in mind—I believe—will have a lasting impact on your story.


There it is. Good luck, mate.
>> No. 128010
My stories aren't all that good, are they?
>> No. 128012
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128012
>>128010
They definitely need work. I've never produced a story that got popular enough to be heard of from anyone but myself, so I'm not exactly the best guy to ask as to how to fix them, but based solely on my *opinion*? No. Your stories are not that good.

Now now, don't get discouraged. Like I said, that's based solely on my opinion. I'm one out of literally millions of people who could read your stories. If there's one thing at all that I've learned in the year and a half I've spent on this board, it's that no matter how good a piece of writing is, someone will always hate it. And, no matter how bad something is, someone will always love it.

My opinion doesn't really matter, does it? I'm just some neckbearded bloke with a computer and too much time on his hands. Granted I've just described about half of your audience, you don't need to take my word as cold hard fact. I crafted this thread so that my opinion would be just that: an opinion. Everyone's got one. If I didn't like your story, that's something you can then work on. Look at what I said about it, and think about whether or not that was the desired reaction. If I'm reacting the way you want me to, then whether I love or hate it, you've succeeded.

What's your goal as a writer? Why do you write in the first place? If you truly want to improve, the first step is in interpreting criticism. Take it to heart. Learn from it. Find what works and what doesn't, and make mental notes of that. But above all, don't stop writing. Unless of course you no longer enjoy it, in which case, yeah, you should stop. But if you love to write, then every failure is only another opportunity to learn and succeed in the future. Take a classic example. Edison. His lightbulbs weren't very good. But he kept at it, made notes of what worked and what didn't, and eventually found a good, working model.

As of right now, I don't think your stories are very good, nor mine. But that can change.






IF you were simply curious and I just made you read all that for nothing. I apologize.

Last edited at Tue, Jul 9th, 2013 14:52

>> No. 128015
>>128012
Thank you. I will keep this in mind.
>> No. 128094
Hi,

some months (maybe 6?) ago I submitted the first part of this story. The good news is that there is no need to search up that one, since this fic stands pretty well on its on legs.

Title: Chaos Acknowledged (version 2.0)
Author: Stanku
Tags: Dark, I guess
Word Count: ~2200

The story is about Discord and how he became the Discord know to us today, also about what part Celestia and mane 6 played in this.

link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NmF26plWuWxCq33epOfRuWlFj1JMAF0omvZfbhBOxhs/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 128118
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128118
>>128094
Sorry. Something's come up and I won't be able to look at this any time soon. I have to close this thread for a while. It didn't have much traffic anyway. Maybe if I ever come back I'll start being more meticulous about the detail I put into these. I've been mostly holding back in the hopes that somepony would request special attention to a scene, but it never happened.

In any case, this thread is here on out closed until further notice.
>> No. 128119
Lock request by OP
>> No. 130250
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130250
>>128118
Wow, depressing much? I'll just ignore whatever state I must have been in to say that I'm back now, and while I don't have eons of time on my hands like I used to. I do enjoy doing reviews on days when I can't seem to write anything, so, in short. I'm open for business once again.

>>128094
You're first in line, as you made your bid before I made the lock. You still around?
>> No. 130254
>>130250

Well, I'm glad I recognize a familiar face. Hope you've been well. May your thread live on and prosper. :)
>> No. 130382
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130382
Yes, this thread is alive, there's just very little activity.

And no longer anything in the queue.

>>128094
Sorry, but the writing in this is very poor, and I don't think it's worth me looking at it until you've cleaned it up a lot. Try out one of the other review threads around here (if any are still active) and come back when you've fixed it up.
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