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121202 No. 121202

Hello! How are you this evening? Or morning. Honestly, this site runs 24/7, so it could be any time of day—or night—for you right now. I’m Bleeding Raindrops, but you can call me Rain, Raindrops, or whatever else you desire.

Anywho, this isn’t a normal review thread. I’m basically a prereader of sorts. No, not for EqD. What I’ll do is look at your story—once—and respond with my opinion, and the impression left by the more prominent scenes in your story, and I will pay special attention to specific scenes upon request. I will not be looking at your story a second time, as this is a first reactions thread, and not an editor's grotto. I will likely not have a sudden epiphany over your writing even after you've corrected it for em-dash usage.

I will not be rating your story or pointing out story holes and grammar mistakes. However, the information I provide will still be crucial to your story, as it will analyze:

*Clarity of descriptions
*Confusing scenes or segments
*Portrayal of emotions


1. No resubmissions.
2. No submissions longer than 5,000 words. However, depending on genre and/or synopsis, I may be more lenient. I greatly enjoy sad and/or dark stories, so feel free to send those in abundance.
3. Any format is accepted. Submissions are not limited to GDocs.
4. No gore or sex, as per Ponychan's rules. If you have to ask, don't post it; instead, shoot it to me in an email, and I'll let you know if I'm willing to look it over under the table.
5. Please include a title, author's name, appropriate tags, a link to the story, a synopsis, and word count in your submission.
6. If you have a scene that you would like me to focus on, please include that in a request at the end of your submission.


The queue will close if it reaches ten stories, and will not reopen until it drops below five. This is so that I am not swamped, and have time to recover should this occur.

Curious where you are in the queue? Check it out here:

If you need to contact me, ping me in the IRC or send me an email.
IRC: http://client.canternet.org/?channels=fic&prompt=1&uio=d4
Email: [email protected]
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 121224
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Cue congratulatory celebratory post. ^_^ here's to many reviews to come. Also, dropped the Minjask, didja? Works for me.
>> No. 121235
Ooh, a new thread! I like tour concept, so I'll throw my story in. It's not finished, but I'd like to see what a new reader thinks so far.

Hey! I know soundslikeponies already reviewed this, but would Garnot mind taking a look? You say you like dark, and hey, us Jakes have to stick together, right?

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Mystery, Thriller
Word count: around 52,000 between 12 chapters

Synopsis: Tragedy strikes Ponyville when a body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. As the towns ponies grieve, an enigmatic stallion arrives at he library, dispatched by Celestia herself. When more blood is spilled, Twilight and her friends, along with this strange new pony, must solve the riddle before it's too late. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

>> No. 121236
Also, please ignore the message for Garnot in the above post. I copied the description from an old post in his thread. Derp.
>> No. 121248
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I've been saying it for a while that I wanted to drop it. Don't worry, Minjask will still show up in the training grounds on occasion, but I like this name better. Plus it's fun to see who still knows me by that name.

>52k words
Didn't I already do this one on MLPchan?
>> No. 121249
I thought you said you'd be lenient for dark stories. Sorry.

Also, I didn't know you were Minjask. Never mind!
>> No. 121263
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Lenient? Yes. Willing to go over ten times the normal limit? No. I am a fan of dark stories, but I struggle to get through *20k* words in a fairly decent amount of time, let alone 50. That's like trying to put a 250 pound man on one bungee cable. There's a difference between lenient and insane.
>> No. 121298
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Hello Bleeding Rain... Or should i say MINJASK! (Rips off face. sees skeleton.)

GAH! Uh... sorry... Here's your face back...

Anyway just a small question. Since you don't want to review stories over 5000 words i was wondering if you would be willing to at least look over my story. I shall submit it in the proper format and you can reject at your leisure.

The story is one that minjask had read but it has had significant changes. Anyway just saying hi to a person i don't know.
>> No. 121301
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... Fine. But this had better be a pretty darn good rewrite; don't make me regret this. Submit with the proper format and I'll add you to the queue.
>> No. 121306
Again, sorry dude. I forget not everyone reads as fast as I do.
>> No. 121308
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Heh, thanks. I hope I don't regret this.

Title: A Scribe's Work Chapter 1: Scribes are Weird

Author: Cody the Kirby or as you may (Or may not) remember me, Ghostwriter the Scribe at your service.

Tags: Adventure and not sure what else applies so if you come up with something, I'd love to know for future reference.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

Synopsis: Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, a humble position he loves, but has gripes about. Ponies may respect his position, but not him personally and he's sick of it. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville to interview the Elements of Harmony’s wielders, Ghost just hopes it’s better than that ‘City of Fakers’. But between explosions, pirates, and rock farms, Ghost will find himself on more oddball adventures than he can count.

Word-count: 8399 (I realize this is significantly over your limit, which is why I asked in the first place. As such if you just want to review half of it I will understand completely.)

Comments: The draft that your alter-ego first reviewed was essentially a back bone for this. The course of events is still the same but i made an effort to flesh them out. I also made significant attempts to phase out my oc's rather... Gary-Stu-ish qualities. I like him better now, but my opinion is biased. So, yeah, I look forward to what you think. (Sorry for being so talkative... er... Type-ative. Just having a little fun. Your face seemes to be healing... well... sorrta.(Sorry for the lame joke.))

>> No. 121318
Aw, you posted this thread the same day I submitted this story of mine to Fimfiction. Oh well, I guess I'm not above retroactively improving my work, so if you could have a look, I'd much appreciate it.

Title: Star-crossed
Author: Belligerent Sock
Tags: [Adventure] [Dark]
Word Count: 9741 (Yes, I did read the OP. If you aren't willing to read this much, that's fine. I will simply request that you focus on the last two-thirds of the first chapter.)
Synopsis: A fire in the Royal Archives. A mysterious, unreadable scroll. An enigmatic figure cloaked in darkness. Fate conspires to draw Twilight Sparkle and her friends into a quest that will take them across the length and breadth of Equestria. From high peaks to deep dungeons, from modern streets to ancient ruins, our heroines will delve into their homeland’s earliest history, and the revelations they unearth will decide not only their own destinies, but the doom of their entire world.

Fimfiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/54156/Star-crossed


Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t8OtPq_cBOn01gVpI_GEmISRd498iiKMZxYKHqQKVw4/edit

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tJgi7ixGYBUDq4KeLQAkvHDEVF2S3pGnwI76tlU6Fp8/edit

Again, I'm mostly concerned with the first chapter, specifically those scenes which take place in Canterlot. If you don't want to read the whole thing, then a critique of those parts is all I really need.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 121321
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I'll check out the first half for now, if your story is enjoyable enough, I may read the second half.

I'll make you the same deal, I'll read the first 5000 words, but if the story doesn't hold my interest by that point, I'm stopping there. The last three dark stories I read didn't deserve the title, so let's hope you can break the pattern.

For now, you're both in the queue
>> No. 121412
All right, I haven't been able to write or edit for recreation in the past month due to college (and its irritating essay writing class). But today I realized this edited introductory act has been collecting dust in my Google Docs folder for almost two months. So while I continue fretting about academics, could you read the first chapter, which is almost 5000 words, and from there you can decide if the rest is worth a skim? Your feedback would be greatly appreciated, once I find a way to balance schoolwork and writing as a hobby.

Title: Foundation's Dawn
Author: Spatial Observer
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Crossover]
Word Count:
Chapter 1: ~4800
Total (5 Chapters): ~15000

The Equestrian Empire will fall.

Those are the words of Hari Stabledon—the first and greatest psychohistorian. For he has applied his science to galactic society and, in doing so, has seen the truth. The mighty Empire, which has stood for over twelve millennia, will regress, break up and succumb to chaos. Lacking unified leadership, twenty-five million equine worlds will turn against each other, unleashing a dark age without foreseeable end.

Skepticism over Stabledon’s findings leads him to be targeted. His predictions have placed not only him, but also his large group of followers in jeopardy, setting them on a millennium-long path that will change the future forever—a path that must be traversed if harmony is to survive.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r1uGzGYPuMkSdNj9rHgjXI-AXQl9wCv7qYUFvZSeRnA/edit

Comments: I don't think there is a particular scene that requires close scrutiny in the first chapter.

Anyway, thanks ahead of time, Bleeding Raindrops.
>> No. 121461
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You're in the queue

I should be able to get these all done tonight if nothing else gets in the way.
>> No. 121491
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A Scribe’s Work Review
In which, Ghostwriter, Princess Celestia’s personal scribe, shows up in Ponyville to find and record the stories of the mane six.

The Mane Event
Ghostwriter, a negatively thinking yet hardworking Scribe, is chatting with his pet kitsune, Flare. Celestia knocks on the door, walks in––after Flare disguises it–– and informs him that she needs him to find the six ponies responsible for defeating Nightmare Moon and Discord, and take down their stories into a book. He sets off toward Ponyville, arriving at the library to find it empty. He somehow gets his horn stuck in the floor, and needs Flare to go find Twilight because he’s too weak to remove it himself for some reason.

Twilight is returning from playing Rarity’s personal model, and bumps into Flare. Rather, Flare bumps into her, after following her scent all the way to her hoof. Spike is as sleepy as ever, and they all three return to the library. Twilight helps Ghostwriter remove his horn from the floor, off screen, and they introduce themselves, mentioning how they had met before at the party for Ghostwriter’s becoming Celestia’s Scribe.

I stopped reading at this point.

The Underlying Plot
In the five year absence of a personal scribe, Princess Celestia lacks a record book for the defeat of Nightmare Moon and Discord. She enlists her newest assistant, Ghostwriter the scribe, and his personal sidekick, Flare the kitsune, to go track down the stories. Meanwhile Ghostwriter struggles with a lack of self-confidence over being picked as Celestia’s personal scribe despite being the only applicant. Did I mention he was her personal Scribe?

Relevance to the Synopsis
I’d say it’s pretty spot on. Ghostwriter definitely is Celestia’s personal scribe. I don’t know how many more times I can type that before it becomes as old as my dead great grandmother. He certainly has gripes about it, because he whines about it every chance he gets. I didn’t notice much about a ‘city of fakers’ but perhaps I hadn’t read far enough. I didn’t see any explosions, pirates, or rock farms, but maybe we just didn’t get there.

Special Requests
>The course of events is still the same but i made an effort to flesh them out.
Felt kind of the same to me, but it took up an extra thousand or so words, so maybe you did something.
>I also made significant attempts to phase out my oc's rather... Gary-Stu-ish qualities. I like him better now, but my opinion is biased. So, yeah, I look forward to what you think.
Welp, he’s slightly less whiny than he was the previous time, but he has the same lack of confidence, and the same disdain for his job, despite the cool attitude. I honestly have to say that I liked him better before, because he makes even less sense now.

What I thought of it
Can anypony say UUUUGGHHHH!! I mean, come on, really? I wish you’d left it the way it was. I got dragged through a pointless info dump that I don’t even remember most of, I just remember that I had to read it, and then, the same story I read a few months ago, except boring this time. I was glad to reach the 500 word mark so I could stop reading. What did you do to it, man? Ghost makes little sense; He’s got a cool attitude, a high up position doing something he loves doing, an awesome pet, and he’s got to whine about it all the time. Gary Stu? I think I would have liked him better if he was Mr. Perfect, because he’s just so unlikeable as is. I’m half inclined to think that the only reason he whines so much is to draw attention away from the fact that he’s got it good, and that’s an unlikeable trait for a character in a story. Flare is kind of cool, though. I like him.

All in all, not something I would *willingly* read twice.

By the way, my face doesn’t hurt anymore. Now, my brain does.
>> No. 121498
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In response to the picture: And a large part of me wants to kill myself.

Sigh... Well thanks anyway. i wish my brain could leave this alone. I'd try and make some rebuttals but it just seems pointless.

Anyway sorry about your face and brain.
>> No. 121513
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Hey Raindrops, I've got sort of an odd request. Since you're doing "pre-reading' do you think you could read part of a fic I haven't finished yet? I started writing it a little while ago and I kinda stopped because I was worried it was getting a little wordy. But, before I start chopping it up, I thought I'd get your opinion. I do have a method to my madness, however. And there is a reason why I have so much exposition, but I want to know how it reads to someone else besides me.

Title: On the Shores of Demilune Lake
Author: alexmagnet
Tags: [Dark] My attempt at [Semi-Lovecraftian]
Synopsis: I have dedicated my life to the study of some of the most enigmatic and cryptic creatures known to Equestria. Currently, I am [i]en route
to Timber Mills in search of a very particular creature: the seapony. I am joined by my research partner, Pastern Foucolt, and I am both excited, and anxious. Only time will tell us whether the rumors are true—or false.
Not a great synopsis, I'll admit. I'll come up with something better later.
Word Count: 2851
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ASLubRuqdhymhfmdEhq3OZvY5CymEhOIqYinXlR_NGw/edit
>> No. 121514
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I keep derping the tags. Ignore my foolishness.
>> No. 121531
Minjask, do you have an OC now? With Pinkamina hair and a stock cutie mark?

I respect that, actually. People who try way too hard on their OC cutie marks annoy me.
>> No. 121536
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Designed it myself, actually. Took me nearly three hours to get the color scheme right, and the cutie mark was one of my design. I used a little too little red, though.
>> No. 121591
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I've always kinda wanted to have you look at something of mine. Let's see how that goes.

Title: The Confession of Clyde Pie, Prince of Rock (needs some work)

Author: Casca

Tags: Haven't thought about this, but I think we'll go with [Normal]. It isn't comedy, despite the title, and might even border on [Sad], though forbid that I should write anything involving feels without the use of magic, tech, or magitech. I digress.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Vwzbh_KJA0fOCu6agCGQugMCsCY3niu78qlVigxk3Ys/edit

Comments are enabled but not really necessary.

To: Sue, Pinkie, Inky and Blinky Pie

Not to be opened until the decease of Clyde Pie (also needs work)

Word count: a delish 1736.

Notes: Written for the write-off, ended up too long, liked it anyways so here it is. I'm pretty much just looking for your first impression of it. And then when you've got that settled, a question, spoilered because it might get in the way:

Ha ha, this is dummy text! Are you sure you want to open this question? Jk. The actual question:Would an expansion into talking about Pinkie/sisters leaving home to chase her dreams be a good idea? Because really, a letter like this kinda gets sloggy to read through, and I don't want this to overstay its welcome 'nall. But, at the same time, it addresses Clyde's children, so maybe I should make it more relevant to them...And nah, probably not going to shoot this at EqD in case you were wondering. Not seriously, at any rate. I mean, if the expansion's good to go, and it hits 2500, I could try for the heck of it, but I wouldn't be disappointed... and I'm rambling again.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 121610
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Hello, sir. I'd like it very much if you'd look at this piece of crap I've written and tell me simply whether you think it's funny, and if not, why not.

It's just a 30-minute trollfic and quite unserious. I'm asking for your opinion not so much to improve this particular story (which is unsalvageable) as to try to understand the principles of comedy writing a little better for the future. It's very short and direct, so it shouldn't take much time at all for you to skim it and form an opinion. Honestly, I wouldn't even be asking for a second opinion on it, but I'm convinced that it's actually funny in spots, and that worries me—it makes me think I'm not evaluating my writing very objectively.

Untitled Trollfic
Author: distractedbrony
Tags: Random
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11QPwIqr28xFisvxsjsiuFvSPKu-r-ooFvP9Yox_h04U/edit
Synopsis: A generic randumb comedy metafic.
Word Count: 820

In case you care to know, all the grammar mistakes in the story are intentional.
>> No. 121656
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*Clarity of descriptions
*Confusing scenes or segments
*Portrayal of emotions
>Likes: Dark and Sad

Awesome! That's exactly what I'm looking for!

Okay, I'm trying to get a review on chapter 2 of my story Black Box (Chapter 1 has been through it's paces).

Unfortunately, this submission definitely would go over the word count. Chapter 2 is 8,500, and to catch up, chapter 1 is like 5,000, but you did say you like dark stories so I figured I'd at least ask.

Secondly, it has some gore, but it's somewhat light. I'm trying to have plot and character development at the forefront with this, but I don't intend to pull any punches. To be safe, though, I won't post. Rules are rules.

I'll let you decide if you're willing to give this a look before submitting, but yeah, I really could use help with this.

Title: Black Box (Chapter 2)

Name: Breath of Plagues

Tags: [dark][adventure][sad]

Word Count: 8,421

Synopsis: Cutie Marks:Their appearance marks a very joyous occasion for the youth of Equestria, but not all cutie marks are innocent. Some unlucky foals develop much darker natured marks. These young ponies all soon disappear without a trace, never to be heard from again. They disappear to Black Box.
>> No. 121721
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I asked a small Urchin the way to your Review Thread. He laughed, and told me to 'prepare my anus,' before running down the street, cackling all the way.

Title:The Secret Case Book of Sherlock Holmes

Case One: The Adventure of the Centurion's Helm
(For your requirements, I've cut the submitted tale off at the 5000 word mark. Thankfully, my most pressing point is its opening sequence, and how well I have dealt with, as baxil from the subreddit wrote it, both realms of the crossover strong and early)


Tags: [crossover][human]

Dearest Billy
It is with a heavy hand that I must relay: He is dead, and passed away among his bees only some hours ago. I, too, am not long of this earth, thus it falls to you to publish my final wish. The attached parcel is my tin box—you have ferried it hither and thither before—and it is where notes from all our adventures, spanning two centuries, as many wars and three monarchs had been safely kept. The remaining bundles within, however, we agreed some time ago to never publish, lest our reputations be shredded. However, with his passing heavy on my mind, I cannot forget such cases, so singular and impressive that they prove, without a doubt, that Sherlock Holmes was the greatest detective London, Britannia, and Worlds beyond our farthest imaginations could ever have known. These cases will confuse you—perhaps even tarnish your memories of us—but mark my words: They are as true and real as the paper upon which you read this letter
Yours ever-faithfully,
Dr John. H. Watson MD

As you no doubt know, this is currently also being reviewed in depth by Huh! over on the TGs

Dear friend, my body is ready.
>> No. 121724
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I've heard a lot about this one. Smells tasty. You're in the queue.

My apologies to everypony in the queue. I kinda got excited cuz I went home for the weekend, and totally forgot about this thread for a few days. I'm back at school now, though, so I should at least be getting one in a day. Won't be long.
>> No. 121735
You've heard of this? Wow, that's a complement I guess. I've always felt like my work is completely buried amidst the abyss, and nobody cares. Anyways, thanks a ton for taking interest and helping me on this.

Here's your link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17vcxkZvF4-x15z-L7mTfdAG2OrgNsa-0MRC-dLIhRAw/edit
>> No. 121750
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In which, Twilight Sparkle is framed, and the elements are stolen.

The Mane Events
Shining Armor is woken up in the middle of the night about a fire in the Canterlot Archives. Cadence is worried about what is going on. Shining Armor arrives on scene to find most of the archives destroyed by fire. He speaks with Luna, and it is determined that one of the shelves was destroyed all at once by dragon fire. He then learns that that magical automatic registry says Twilight Sparkle was the last pony in there.

Twilight is doing research on an ancient scroll that she found in the Canterlot Archives. She heads to the basement, asking Spike to not let anypony disturb her. After a few minutes, Spike calls down to tell her that somepony is at the door. Twilight, slightly annoyed, walks upstairs to see who it is, and finds two guards. The guards hoof her a message, which is from Celestia, requesting she be escorted to Canterlot immediately.

Twilight and Celestia discuss the matter of the burnt records and the inadvertently saved scroll. Luna then walks in, still convinced that Twilight is the perpetrator, and proceeds to unleash her Royal Canterlot Voice. After it is established that Twilight is innocent, Shining Armor escorts her out.

They head toward his house, where along the way they discover a guard knocked unconscious, as well as a bird. After determining that the cause is magic, and realizing that the target is the elements of harmony, they run up to the room that houses the elements. The doors are magically sealed, and Twilight tries to teleport inside, and fails. She and Shining Armor then manage to break down the doors with their magic.

They meet the pony responsible for the recent crimes, who laughingly confesses to them. He seems quite proud of what he has done, and is also able to open the chamber containing the elements of harmony. Shining Armor sets up a barrier around the room they are in, which doubles as a beacon for other guards.

Shining Armor and Twilight battle with the mysterious pony… Astrus, or something. Twilight is defeated, and soon after, her brother as well. Celestia and Luna finally arrive on the scene, and Twilight becomes a hostage, momentarily. After that, the scene just kind of ends.

The Underlying Plot
The mysterious pony, Astrus, is plotting something for Equestria. Nopony seems able to stop him, and nopony knows what will happen should his plan succeed.

Relevance to the Synopsis
You’ve only got the beginning written just yet, but this is definitely what the reader ought to expect from that synopsis. Well done.

What I thought of it
Finally. A story that lives up to its name, has great worldbuilding, intrigues me upon opening, and keeps things interesting as the story progresses. Is it worthy of EqD? Probably not yet. Would I read it again? You’d better believe it. Excellent dark story.

Special Requests
>> No. 121754

Well, thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I honestly didn't know what to expect, but I certainly didn't dare hope for such a positive response. I'll take this to mean it's a solid opening.

There's one part of your review I have to ask you to elaborate on, though. It's this part:

>Is it worthy of EqD? Probably not yet.

Do you mean to say that there are, in fact, some problems holding it back? Or that I simply need to get further along in the story before submitting it? I do hope it's the latter, as that was my plan, anyway. If it's the former, please explain. I'm always looking to improve, so if there's anything that struck you about this, I need to know. My OCD demands it!

Again, thank you very much for this little pre-read. Hopefully, I'll have the next chapter polished up and ready for public consumption soon.
>> No. 121770
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Hey there, Rain.

I completely rewrote my last story and figured I'd get it reviewed.

Title: A Scribe's Work: Chapter one: The Ghost of Canterlot

Name: Cody or Ghostwriter.

Tags: Adventure

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-jgOQj28kZ3zR3mNEgCFBlyA8JPnZ0TgVPKS-LZGTto/edit

Synopsis: (Still working on that) I've never really liked Canterlot all that much. Ponies tend to think of me as an oddity, as entertainment. There are few things keeping me here, mostly my job. But now I have the opportunity to be able to keep my job and get out of Canterlot and all i have to do is go to Ponyville. Doesn't sound all that bad... I hope.

Word Count: 2135

Feel free to deny it. Oh and when I say complete rewrite, it is a complete rewrite.
>> No. 121776
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Mostly the latter. I'm not doing editing or any of that anymore, and since I don't have a story on EqD I can't claim to know their standard of quality. I'm not saying it's definitely not ready, but it didn't blow my hair back the way most stories on EqD would. I can't tell you specifics, nor do I want to try to, but if you finish writing it, it might turn out okay. All I do ITT is show you how the story came across.

>> No. 121781

"Blow your hair back," eh? Well, I'd better keep going on this, then. The adventure hasn't even started yet, and if what I've got planned works out, it'll definitely fulfill that requirement.

Again, many thanks.
>> No. 121829
File 134984377579.png - (0.98MB , 1280x1400 , Moozua.png )
In which, Nova Sparkle is arrested for pretty much nothing.

I got about halfway through, before I began to wonder why it was taking me over a half hour to read 5,000 words, so I copy/pasted what I’d read into a word document, to discover that I had in fact read over 8,000 words. But, I can’t hit you for that, as it’s my fault for not noticing the first chapter mark. Take that as a sign that your story was good reading.

The Mane Events
I apologize for this. I read too far and killed my mental energy, so not only is this missing from my short term memory, my short term memory is incredibly limited, which is why I limit the word count to 5,000. As best as I could, however:
Nova Sparkle arrives on Canterlot, and takes a taxi to Sector three. Her driver is a pegasus, and is suspicious of her intentions. Upon arriving at her friend Hari’s house, she is arrested, along with Crescent Moon, a business associate of Hari. They are given a choice of basically prison, or Cresent’s house. The latter is chosen, and there the section I was supposed to read, ends.

The Underlying Plot
Nova Sparkle has been living on Fillyan for three years, when a message from her old friend Hari arrives, inviting her to stay at his house on Canterlot. Little does she know that he may not be the kind old stallion she remembers, or that he has been accused of treason.

This section always looks nicer for works I get to read all of. ;_;

Relevance to the Synopsis
It’s pretty clear that the section requested doesn’t even begin to cover what was in the synopsis, but what I accidentally read [?](there’s some irony for you)[?] started to dip into it, so I can’t hit you there either.

What I thought of it
I’m assuming this is supposed to be a Star Wars crossover, as you’re consistent with their…
*units of distance
*interplanetary travel
*planetary customs
*depiction of Coruscant
*Governmental bullshit

That said, this was pretty decent. I’m not usually a fan of sci-fi, or crossovers for that matter, but as I’ve already stated, you had me hooked enough to read nearly twice what was requested before I realized it. Well done.

Special Requests
Spokenly, none.
>> No. 121831
>I’m not usually a fan of sci-fi, or crossovers for that matter, but as I’ve already stated, you had me hooked enough to read nearly twice what was requested before I realized it. Well done.

And you just had to make yourself stop, didn't you. *humph*

Oh, well. I understand why you work the way you do. Thanks for the overview, Bleeding Rain.

But... before I go on...

>I’m assuming this is supposed to be a Star Wars crossover
>Star Wars crossover
>Star Wars

Well, then... I must say, this feels very awkward.

I guess I just can't expect people to know about the source material, which came way before Star Wars. Just search "Foundation Asimov" on Google and you'll understand.
>> No. 121832
Did say you could refuse.
>> No. 121834
File 134984628970.png - (73.20KB , 125x125 , 132631965934.png )
Knowing you, I think I might. Sorry, but I've heard that "it's been rewrittten, tale far more times than I can count, and just one too many from you. Story respectfully declined.

Ah, hehehe Sorry about that, I guess I haven't been around the block very much for somepony my age. Kinda gives you an idea of how it will be recieved, though, doesn't it? Good luck with your story, mate.
>> No. 121867
No prob rain. I don't hold it against you.
>> No. 121894
File 134992557245.png - (85.09KB , 600x1001 , Bleeding Rain heartpony.png )
In which, some adventurer pony risks the lives of many other ponies to document a deadly chimaera.

The Mane Events
Somepony whose name I’ve forgotten explains that although he’s never been wrong, ponies still call him crazy. Go figure. He heads out into the desert where some clumsy pony wakes up a sand dragon. The main character and two other ponies, one of which is named Foucolt, escape with their lives and are forced to watch as the dragon kills and eats the rest of their team. They head back to the city, find some new ponies to travel with and head to a new location. At this new location they find the chimaera, and engage it in battle. Foucolt sneaks up behind it and climbs onto its middle head while the villagers of the village they’re apparently in distract it. He is thrown off, and the main character must try to sedate it now. Foucolt is slashed and nearly killed, but they manage to sedate the chimaera.

The Underlying Plot
A young explorer sets out to document every mythological creature in Equestria and beyond, but nopony will believe him when he says they exist. He embarks on a quest to find the elusive Chimaera.

This would be better if the story were completed, and if you had made more effort to make your characters memorable.

Relevance to the Synopsis
As is quite common with unfinished works, you haven’t arrived at the synopsis yet, although it appears that you mean to eventually.

What I Thought of it
Dry, boring, unengaging. You focus too much on world building, and not enough on characterization, and actually telling the story. I never thought a mere 2000 words could drag on so much. If this is a journal entry, make it read like a journal entry, so that it won’t seem out of pace, and give your reader something to look forward to, instead of just hoping that they’ll hang on for the ride.

Special Requests
>> No. 121900
File 134992753931.png - (161.60KB , 1746x1293 , semicolon Dash 3.png )
In which, Clyde Pie, AKA Crying Lode of the Pickaxes, tells the sad tale of what he gave up, to be with the mare of his dreams.

The Main Events
This here’s a whole different type of story, nothing actually happened real time, other than me and––by association––Sue, reading it.

The Underlying Plot
Clyde Pie, a revolutionary member at the forefront of a new wave of rock, gave up everything he had to be with the pony he loved, when his failing liver forced him to quit the business. Afraid to lose her, he kept his second life a secret from everypony, carrying it with him to the grave, so that she would always know that he loved her, and he would always know that she loved him, and not Crying Lode.

Relevance to the Synopsis
I suppose it’s relevant, but just about anything you put in a letter would be relevant to that. No points for effort there.

What I Thought of it
Mildly refreshing. I liked that you told the whole story in a letter without being too telly. If not for the synopsis, however, I would not have known this was Pinkie’s father. It’s also a bit difficult to believe that he gave it all up for her, if his liver was what forced him to quit, although keeping the secret mostly fills that hole. I don’t know whether or not I’d favorite it, but I would definitely read this twice.

I also have to ask: Was this for the recent minific contest? It seems to contain the theme “The price of a dream” and I even found those exact words in the text.

Nice story, either way.

Special Requests
>> No. 121902
File 134992841896.png - (235.24KB , 1000x1000 , 65464781.png )
Hmm, well I was worried that it was dragging too much. I guess I was right. The reason I was showing those events was because I wanted to show how the narrator (he doesn't have a name) doesn't really care about other ponies, even in his own partner. He only cares about continuing his research and he's willing to sacrifice others for that cause. Which foreshadows a later event I had planned on having. But, I could probably cut a lot of it down.

Alas, it seems this may need some work, as I expected. Oh well, maybe I'll be motivated to work on it for Halloween (not likely). Thanks for the "review" anyway.
>> No. 121903
File 134992874172.png - (135.24KB , 900x831 , say what again.png )
In which, shit happens.

The Mane Events
Um… did Spike and Trixie just… rap?

I honestly have no idea what I’ve just read.

The Underlying Plot
I don’t think this even had a main plot, let alone one underneath.

Relevance to the synopsis
A generic randumb *piece of shit* is what it should say. Nigga, whatchu playin’?

What I Thought of it
Aghh! My eyes! My head! That was a headache and a half just reading. Trollfic is right. Well, congratulations you sniveling sack of horse apples, my jimmies have been thoroughly rustled. Jk, bro. I ain’t even mad. Funny? Hell no. I think you should send this to the moon, save a horse. I’ve just spent about five minutes trying to read something that doesn’t even deserve to be called literature, let alone fiction. You’ve had your fun, now take your disgusting excuse for a pile of trash and get out of my sight.

Special Requests
>I'm convinced that it's actually funny in spots, and that worries me
Funny? Hell no. I think you should send this to the moon, save a horse.
>> No. 121915
A'right, fine.

Since I'm not really demanding much of your time here, I'll drop you my tremendously stupid piece of horseshit. I've wanted feedback on this, because there's actually some amount of genuine heart and craft in here, but I don't have the heart to send it around for actual reviews. I really would like to know how I did on those things you say you're looking for.

Obnoxious Writer and Clueless User Get Edgy by Tactical!Rainboom

Comedy with a splash of sex and trolling.


Obnoxious Writer has a plan for finally writing the fic that'll get him the recognition he deserves. It involves Clueless User. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

1700 words

... why do you need such a strict submission system for a thread like this?
>> No. 121926
File 134994554137.jpg - (9.57KB , 200x253 , righto_2.jpg )
Sweet. Thanks for the review!

Fair enough. The bother is that, like you said, it's a whole different story in which nothing happens at the time of focus, so I have nothing with which to promise the reader - it's all already over.

...wait, I've got one. How's this:

At the ripe old age of eighty-four, Clyde Pie, husband of one and father of three, passed away in his sleep.

When the coroner had come, and neighbours had mourned, and lawyers had settled the details of inheritance, they moved the body

>I don’t know whether or not I’d favorite it, but I would definitely read this twice.
That's good enough for me! I have this belief that I need at least 5k words to get a reader bonded to a character, but seeing as it didn't bore you too much, I'd say it's done its job.

>I also have to ask: Was this for the recent minific contest? It seems to contain the theme “The price of a dream” and I even found those exact words in the text.
Yep, yes it was.

Actually I did have a question, which I'll just repost:

Would an expansion into talking about Pinkie & sisters leaving home to chase her dreams be a good idea? Because really, a letter like this kinda gets sloggy to read through, and I don't want this to overstay its welcome 'nall. But, at the same time, the letter does address Clyde's children in additional to Sue, so maybe I should add that in for completeness. It also kinda worried me because it looked like a plot hole, but if it didn't bother you, then I suppose it isn't one then.
>> No. 121952
File 134997107014.png - (255.87KB , 1861x3026 , heartpony Bleeding Rain.png )
>Would an expansion into talking about Pinkie & sisters leaving home to chase her dreams be a good idea?
Uh, I can't say, really. It's my personal belief that anything is possible if you've got the skill to pull it off, but im not sure about that one. I think the letter stands fine on its own, although you did get a bit repetitive near the end. You could probably make that the sequel if you wanted, though.

Can't say I'm looking forward to reading that. I've seen it tossed around the IRC. As for the strict submission system, it's fairly simple. I'm trying to give you a reaction of how clear you were the first time, so if I look at anything at all, twice, that would render the whole system null and void. I could be cheating, essentially, and that would rob you of the opportunity I'm offering.

Also, I know this thread is quite young, but something unexpected has come up. I'll put you in, Tac, but after you I'm placing this thread on a four week hiatus, until I finish school. Which means...

I'll get a mod to lock this once all the reviews are acknowledged.
>> No. 121981
File 134998986525.png - (420.96KB , 680x382 , 133256185104.png )
>mfw the average thread duration these days is like, 50 posts.
>> No. 121984
File 134999013318.jpg - (12.21KB , 300x450 , THE DEAK.jpg )

>7.4 Best New Story
>7.4 Best New Story
>7.4 Best New Story

Oh, wow! Thank you SO MUCH for the praise! I wasn't sure you were going to like what I'd written, but your insightful line comparing my story to having a burrito thrown on your windshield has inspired me anew to keep writing in this style! I promise to spawn lots and lots of little wriggling trollfics, disseminate them as widely as possible, and dedicate them all to Bleeding Rain!DROPS, my writing mentor!
>> No. 121992
What weaklings.
>> No. 121995
File 134999776371.png - (70.72KB , 368x412 , WhiteFox.png )
Hey, I'm not gone, I just need to fix my grades, I'll be back in November.

Now that was funny.
>> No. 122001
File 135000203516.png - (175.00KB , 680x509 , POMF.png )
You need to give me permission to access this.

In which, The Great Detective, Sherlock Holmes, is met with yet another enigmatic case.

The Mane Events
An old man, thought to be crazy for his drunken state, arrives in the office of Watson and Holmes, desperate for someone to believe him. He tells the tale of a strange creature that spoke to him, asking simply for the way to Stocoche, or whatever. Holmes rejects his request at first, but upon hearing the full story, grows curious, and informs the man that he may take up the case if further evidence arises to support the story. The man leaves, and a scene break occurs. Watson arrives at the office in the rain, to be knocked over by an individual who rather left in a hurry. Holmes recognizes that Watson has fallen, upon his entering the door, and proceeds to ask a very odd question: How does a house on fire get on? After a very puzzling conversation, and a dazzling display of deductive abilities, Holmes sends for the page, and sends him on an errand. The lady whose name escapes me but I will assume to be Holmes’s secretary, arrives with a telegram which Holmes muddles over for a few minutes. He inquires Watson about a previous case, and brings up the subject of the old man from before, after which the two of them head to the aforementioned stables.

The Underlying Plot
Discord has found his way to Earth. Nopony knows why, or how, but he is here, and he has ten ponies with him. After terrorizing a drunken old man, he made his way to the stables, for who knows what purpose.

I wish I could write more, as this is the first story in a while that actually has an underlying plot I can fairly deduce.

Relevance to the Synopsis
Well well well, I wish I’d read the synopsis before reading. Fancy that. In this case, the story bears little relevance to the synopsis while the synopsis bears much relevance to the story. It acts as a hook––as it should––to draw the reader into the story, creating the question of just what this strange and awesome tale is that should inspire Watson to write it so. I must say this is properly presented.

What I Thought of it
It was both engaging and exciting. It bored me slightly in the beginning, but that can probably be fixed with pacing.

At last, a story that not only appeals to my interests, but reminds me of the reason I started this thread in the first place, albeit at a different location. The Great Detective has always been a favorite of mine, as while I cannot claim to hold his own skills of deduction, I have always thought myself a capable sleuth. Should you find yourself still requiring my services in four weeks, I implore you to send the remainder of this delightful ditty my way.

Special Requests
>> No. 122002
File 135000233099.png - (449.74KB , 1743x1518 , Azure Spark.png )
>tfw would have had trips, but had to repost due to wrong image, and forgot part of review.

Another reminder that typing in a self checking word processor, proofreading three times, and using the built in spelling and grammar check, is still sometimes not enough. Hence, this board.
>> No. 122008
File 135000343491.png - (82.26KB , 445x450 , fKLKx.png )
I swear to glob that I already did that. Sorry for the inconvenience man. It's fixed.
>> No. 122009
File 135000481579.png - (85.09KB , 600x1001 , Bleeding Rain heartpony.png )
In which, Clueless User and Obnoxious writer attempt to create a story that will please the blog ponies. And almost have sex in the process.

The Mane Events
Obnoxious complains to Clueless for a bit about how the blog ponies are dumb because they don’t like his writing. Clueless makes a small argument in their defense and gets slapped for it. Obnoxious decides to write something really edgy, just to please the feature box, and ropes Clueless into it as well. They discuss clop, ad begin to act out the idea that forms in their head. ‘Begin’ being the key word here, as shortly after starting, they stop, and rethink.

The Underlying Plot
Unless I’m entirely mistaken: Tactical!Rainboom could not stand that EqD would not post his story. conspiring, miserable bastards Deciding that his clearly superior writing skills would go ignored no longer, he took it upon himself to write such a story that nopony could possibly ignore, which would surely get him to the feature box, as he cared not for EqD any longer. Dragging his com padre along for the ride, Tactical embarked on a quest to write a disgustingly awesome little story, perfect for the readers on Fimfiction.

If the above was inaccurate I apologize immensely.

Relevance to the synopsis
>looks back at synopsis
Obnoxious Writer has a plan for finally writing the fic that'll get him the recognition he deserves. It involves Clueless User. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Yeah, I’d say that’s about right.

What I Thought of it
Heh, this got a chuckle. Yeah, this is definitely a meta fic. In fact, I’m surprised you didn’t mention the names of any of the blog ponies. I also noticed a few places that seemed to be taken word for word from an IRC section I remember lurking in a few weeks ago. Doth that very concoction now sit before me? Actually, I’d say I’ve probably just read it. In any case, this was slightly entertaining, so go ahead and do your victory dance.

Special Requests
> I really would like to know how I did on those things you say you're looking for.
Strange to say it, but I’m not actually looking for anything, unless of course somepony requests it. I just read and give a categorized response, with as much detail as I can physically remember without cheating and looking back at the story.
As stated in the OP, if there is something specific you’d like me to look at, please make a request, and I’ll be sure to adjust my binoculars.
>> No. 122011
>tactical is petty and narcissistic

I'm... um, sincerely insulted by that. I wrote this because the idea came to me, and it was extremely novel, not to mention silly.

Well. Glad to know people's opinion of me is *exactly* what I worry about.

Well, I'm glad the story wasn't total horseshit.

I actually had a brief conversation with Wanderer D about this fic. Every single mention of "the bloggers" originally called him out by name. He told me that if I removed that, the fic could plausibly be called a fun little idea about the OCs instead of a story that was largely about him.
>> No. 122012
File 135000746616.jpg - (50.83KB , 670x505 , Falkalore.jpg )
My apologies. Nay, I did not deem you petty or narcisistic. Rather, your story. Either way, I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion, and for that I am sorry.
>> No. 122089
File 135009883099.png - (175.00KB , 680x509 , POMF.png )
In which, Origin discovers a horrifying ability he’d had locked away.

The Mane Events
A black pony with a white mane, named Abyss, is released from his containment unit. He enters a room filled with papers, and has a conversation with an imaginary filly.

Origin and two of his friends enter the Everfree Forest, where eventually they come upon a cave. A timber wolf sneaks up behind them, Origin’s friend kicks away its lower jaw, and they proceed to run away. Origin catches a hoof on a tree root, and the timber wolf catches up to him. Origin is then torn apart by the wolf, and basically loses his life in the process. The only thing that saves him is his cutie mark, which activates just before he dies. Origin is then before what I can only assume is an angel of death, who explains that he can bring anypony back to life, at the cost of one of several ponies now contained within his being losing their lives. He wakes up from the nightmare he was having, and argues with his friend for a bit.

Farther Reach is led down a hallway, and tormented by guards. The warden of the facility he is contained in blackmails him into convincing Celestia that Black Box is actually a rehabilitation center, and not a high security prison for mentally unstable and/or very dangerous ponies.

The Underlying Plot
Origin has been given a gift, nay a curse, that he may restore the life of any pony, at the cost of another. He has been imprisoned in the infamous holding facility known as Black Box, where all the ponies with dangerous cutie marks are held under tight security by the warden and his guards. Black Box is a secret facility, known only to its occupants, and wears the guise of a rehabilitation center, lest Princess Celestia grow suspicious of its true identity.

Relevance to the synopsis
I don’t think I could have put it better myself, and––seeing as the above section is basically my version of a synopsis––I don’t think I managed to.

What I thought of it
I couldn't help but read chapter one last night
Congratulations, you’ve found my kryptonite. I find myself drooling at the amount of dark in this story––You hear that, TheNumber25? This is how you write a dark story.––but, unfortunately, it’s just a little bit too much. A line needs to be drawn somewhere about what is and isn’t allowed on this site, and while I’m not offended in any way by the gore in this story, I think this is over that line. You’re correct: dumbing it down further would just be censoring, and your original version is likely more tasteful. I would advise you to pursue future reviews offsite, and keep what you have going here.

Your pacing was actually good. It’s rare to see somepony who can make so little happen in so many words, and keep the reader interested the whole time. Not once did I find myself forcing to read, and in fact, I was disappointed when I got to the end. Maybe this is just me being cruel, but I imagined the little yellow filly to be Apple Bloom at first. And having Farther Reach walk down the hall, giving him character development, actually served more purpose than you think.

Until that scene, every unnamed pony is thought to be a mindless being, bent on destroying the world. Or at least, that’s the tone your story sets, and is the mood thus created. But by showing his personality, and displaying a desire to protect something, you remind the reader that these are real ponies locked away in here, not just mindless monsters. They have a reason to hate their conditions, and hate the warden as well. That scene was a very smart move on your part.

>I’m going to leave out the special requests section for now until somepony actually requests something.
And I believe that’s the last of them, I’ll give it a day for the replies to come in, but THIS THREAD IS NOW ON OFFICIAL HIATUS, UNTIL THE 17TH OF NOVEMBER.
>> No. 122096

Scootaloo-like OC has evolved into a Rainbow Dash-like OC. Pow!
>> No. 122109
File 135013615037.png - (331.39KB , 900x900 , mlfw2547-woona_by_staticwave12-d4lw5ol.png )

Woo! Feedback came in! Gonna grab me a totally-manly juice box and give some feedback.

>The Mane Events
Ok, good that it seemed clear. At the same time, odd to see there was no mention of Origin's encounter with the lab tech. I'm still particularly concerned about how that comes off.

>The Underlying Plot
Perfect. That's exactly it.

>What I thought of it
All right! It's awesome that you enjoyed it! I pretty much only aspire to have people enjoy reading my story, so that's really good to hear.

>You hear that, TheNumber25? This is how you write a dark story.
Who is TheNumber25 and how can I help him?

>I think this is over that line in terms of gore.
*shrug* Yeah, I know. I did warn of it though. Glad to see you enjoyed this anyways. It was first try writing such heavy violence, and I didn't want to slam readers with too much. My biggest concern was that maybe the gore would distract from the plot, but apparently that wasn't an issue.

>Your pacing was actually good. It’s rare to see somepony who can make so little happen in so many words, and keep the reader interested the whole time.

Wow... thank you. I tried working a lot on my narrative style and Show versus Tell. They have been my biggest weaknesses.

>the little yellow filly to be Apple Bloom at first
Wow, that would be terrible... Anyways, her name is Sunny Daze. One of my drafts had Origin say her name. http://bgponies.wikia.com/wiki/Sunny_Daze

>Falter Reach's character development
>Until that scene, every unnamed pony is thought to be a mindless being, bent on destroying the world.

Yeah, that's the one thing my story does completely wrong. Every reader seems to get the impression that Black Box is a prison so it's prisoners must be bad. It's actually quiet the opposite; they're all regular ponies. Some are bad like Abyss, sure, but because dark marks are random. Dark mark receivers are undeserving. I need to work on that next chapter...

Well, I'm happy you appreciated what I'm doing here. I really like it when someone can read my work and enjoy it, so your review gave me a lot of motivation.

I'm really busy with college stuff, a feeling I'm sure your familiar with, so it might take a while, but I'm excited to write the next chapter now. I thought for sure you wouldn't bite because >nothing over 5,000 words >what you had to read = 13,000 words. So thanks for your time! I appreciate it.
>> No. 122111
File 135014346096.jpg - (111.69KB , 640x480 , Writer_Aside_Glance0000.jpg )
Did somepony say my name? Oh well, nice to know I’m remembered. Since I’ve been summoned, I suppose I should just add my two bits.

>You hear that, TheNumber25? This is how you write a dark story.

I only half agree with you on this sentiment. After perusing some older threads on /fic/ and FimFic’s FAQ, I decided that my story DOES deserve the dark tag, if only due to the themes present. While violence and bad stuff happening to good ponies certainly makes a fic dark, that’s certainly not the full extent of the genre. I actually dislike most grimdark fics exactly because they have nothing going for them beyond that. No, I myself prefer, and hope to invoke in my fic, a much more subtle shade of dark, that often only comes after you’ve given some thought to the situation.

In the end, I think all this proves is just how ambiguous that stupid tag is.

Good luck with school and your thread, I’ll show myself out.
>> No. 122115
File 135014910224.png - (0.98MB , 1280x1400 , Moozua.png )
>odd to see there was no mention of Origin's encounter with the lab tech
What's even weirder is even after you mention that, I still can't remember it. I'd go back to check, but... thread rules. I can't go back and look at the story because that would be cheating. Actually, it's just come to me. Ahem:

At some point after waking up, Origin runs into somepony who I can only assume is a lab tech. :3 I don't remember how he ran into him, but what's important is that he had a standard issue magical shard gun. Origin tries to convince him not to shoot, but he fires anyway, catching Origin in the throat. After a minute or so the tech believes he is dead, but he wakes up once again, having taken the life of the yellow filly he'd tried to protect. He then attacks and mercilessly beats the lab tech to death.

I'm pretty sure that was it. I'm not sure why I didn't remember that scene last night, but hey, there it is now. An excellent example of why follow-ups are a good idea.

Sunny Daze huh? Yeah, I remember her from various browsing of the wikia page. Little earth pony with a sun for a cutie mark. Or was she a pegasus?

> I thought for sure you wouldn't bite
That’s exactly the reason I said, ‘feel free to send dark fics in in abundance’. I enjoy them enough to be willing to read a little more. I probably still won't look at a 20k epic, but hey, I'll find a line somewhere. In any case, good luck with your writing endeavors.

Well, a decent argument and numbers to prove it trips make it look cool. Hey, like I always say, a true artist need only please himself. Good luck with your story, mate.
>> No. 122247
File 135023276304.png - (227.58KB , 863x769 , WhiteTheFox.png )
Welp, it's time for me to go. I've been on my way out for a day or two now, so: My apologies to Paper_mate_Pony, but I'll have to hear whatever response you have prepared when I return. This thread is now closed until the 17th of November. See you then.
>> No. 122252
File 135023415186.png - (97.29KB , 1000x1000 )

November 17th it is. Until then!
>> No. 124771
File 135317518733.png - (70.72KB , 368x412 , WhiteFox.png )
Aaaaaand we're back in business!

>> No. 124773
File 135317647398.jpg - (97.70KB , 900x506 , god-of-conquest-mode.jpg )


To celebrate, here's an unfinished work mine!

[Title] Haven't figured it out yet
[Tags] Dark, Adventure, Alternate Timeline
[Synopsis] Don't have one yet

[Link] http://sdrv.ms/OG0TKz

Danke, Bleeding! See you in the IRC!
>> No. 124774

Oh, it's also in TheDude's queue
>> No. 124775
File 135317704746.png - (227.58KB , 863x769 , WhiteTheFox.png )

Added to the queue. Hopefully I'll be able to be helpful; it's been a while. A month, to be exact. Can I get a wordcount?
>> No. 124776

Less than 1700 words
>> No. 124794
File 135321333712.jpg - (827.01KB , 1200x1600 , 17806.jpg )
Welcome back. I only wish I had another chapter of Black Box for you, but college has been a pain. It's pretty much sucked away all my writing time. Oh well, hope you have fun and good luck with the thread!
>> No. 124796
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There's more to that story?
that delicious story
>> No. 124812
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Well, not yet, but yeah there's more that will happen.

Really glad you enjoy it. I wish I had time to work on Black Box ch.3, but I'm finishing up with the end of my college semester. Every year it's like going through The Perfect Storm except its excessive work loads and stress which proceeds to do me in rather than rain or tidal waves.

I tried to get chapter 3 done before the infamous season hit but I unfortunately fell short. There's like 5,700 raw words and I haven't had a chance to mess with it for like a month now. Kinda a bummer really...

Anyways, I get done December 13th and I plan to possibly just finish the whole story in one shot sometime around then. It's looking like there will be 6-10 more chapters of the same size.
>> No. 124824
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> It's looking like there will be 6-10 more chapters of the same size.

Anyway, I should really be getting to those reviews now that I have the time. >.>
>> No. 124830
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In which, an earth pony named Creed is delivered to somepony named Zephyr.

The Mane Events
Creed is being ushered along by some mean pegasi that keep calling her by insulting names. She is slashed by one of them—Mel. She is marched through Old Ponyville (past an old rusted sign), into New Ponyville, and into a big mansion, owned by somepony named Zephyr, whom I did not notice a lot of detail or description for. Zepyhr leaves, and… that’s about it. Oh, and Creed talks to herself a lot, in her head.

The Underlying Plot
… I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deduce something from this, unless this is a universe where earth ponies are slaves, and Creed/Fractal is being sold to Zephyr.

Relevance to the synopsis
Lol no.

What I thought of it
While it wasn’t entirely boring, it’s very inconclusive; it makes a nice hook—and I am interested in seeing what follows it—but it doesn’t stand up by itself.

Special Requests
If only...
>> No. 126372
In the case you are still doing this - despite the age of latest messages posted here - here is a story that got rejected on EqD resently. An outside opinion might help to change that, I figured. If you still are into that, that is.

Here is the info about the story:

Name: Chaos Acknowledged
Tags: Dark, Discord, Luna, Celestia
Synopsis: What if the escape of Discord in the pilot episode of seasons 2 was engineered by Celestia?
Words: 4073


>> No. 126374
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New story? NEW STORY! YAAAAAAAY-- I'll take the case.

Discord, Luna and Celesia aren't technically tags, but I appreciate knowing what I'm in for.
>> No. 126388
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In which, Celestia and Luna get all huffy and quarrel with each other.

The Mane Events
I’ve forgotten the first scene, but it had something to do with Discord. A lot, actually, and seemed to be from his point of view. He was locked in stone. After that, we switch to Celestia and Luna. Luna walks in and says something provocative—a comment about being grounded on the moon. The two of them enter an argument over all the decisions Celestia has made, and how Luna does not approve of a single one of them. She also seems to view Celestia as Condescending.

Between The Lines
Discord is escaping and is causing strife between Celestia and Luna, possibly to drive them apart and ensure his victory. What that could be, however, remains to be seen.

Synopsis Review
It’s usually a bad idea to use a question as a synopsis, for reasons I haven’t quite figured out myself yet, but in this case I don’t really see what else you could have done. Okay job, but I’d call it sloppy.

My Thoughts
At first I thought everything was out of character, but I think I figured it out by the end. Nice foreshadowing in the middle there, and the last line was very nice. I’ve made a video for you if you’d like to watch my mad brain at work. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLFooURygeo
>> No. 126407
First things first: Thanks for reviewing the story. Using a video felt a bit strange to me at first but actually seeing it made me realize some key points about the story and how a native speaker of English reads it as opposed to a non-native. Now I think it is a really neat and effective way to analyse and give feedback, although the poor tehcnical quality (360p) made it kind of hard to know what parts of the text you were talking about from time to time. The fact that you read them aloud made up for this, though.

There were indeed some things in the story that you brought up that I had not even considered. The fact that Discord was referred to as "him" by the part of Celestia and "it" by Luna was an intentional thing, where I tried to elaborate the fact that Luna did not yet know Discord had become a person by coming up with a consciousness. The few long and bulky sentences left in the text (I had edited most of them out before the video was made) were something I was experimenting with - I had no clue what they would sound like to a native English speaker. Thanks to you now, though, I do. I shall try to avoid them in the future.

All and all, I regard both the method you used and the review itself as very useful to me. Thank you again.
>> No. 126414
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And thank you, for restoring my hope in this method of review. I'd begun to think I was doing something wrong, but you've just reminded me what I was thinking when I started this thread. It's much better to see a candid reaction than to hear "This is wrong" because sometimes it isn't. Reviewing this way shows you exactly what your story looks like to your reader, bad or good. And I think that's far more valuable than line editing. So, thank you.
>> No. 126522
I mailed you with my fanfic. I dont like posting here much...I explained you why in the mail...thanks in advance
>> No. 126525
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I got it, you're in the queue.
>> No. 126539
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In which, Link comes to Equestria and then shit hits the fan.

The Mane Events
Fluttershy finds a white unicorn in the woods, and then races back to her cottage with him. Then Twilight shows up, and clouds start appearing out of some sword thingy that was apparently there before. Then Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity show up all at once, and the Sword spirit starts talking to them. Pinkie Pie gets upset and shouts at them. The sword spirit starts speaking and explains that the unicorn is link and she is Fi. Then an explosion occurs outside, and changelings show up out of nowhere. Fi says it’s her fault, and then Celestia shows up on the scene

Between The Lines
Um… Fi and Link have somehow been transported to Equestria, and for some reason that summoned the changelings.

Synopsis Review
I hate to say it, but your synopsis is better than your story, and that’s not a good thing. Your synopsis looks good and acts as a semi decent hook, but it promises something that the story doesn’t deliver. It’s like a referral. If you get bad referrals from the same friend all the time, odds are you’re going to be skeptical when he finds something new, even if he sells you a decent story about it. If you could improve the quality of the story, the synopsis might look good, but right now it’s just false advertisement.

My Thoughts
I’m going to try to be nice as I ask: Is this your first fan fiction? Secondly, is English your first language? The reason I ask is because you’ve just demonstrated the literary skill of the average American middle school student. The pacing was just so fast, and there were so many confusing lines that I had a hard time holding on to anything. It wasn’t very exciting and was downright bewildering.
>Twilight was now definitely confused. “Can any of this get any more confusing”
I couldn’t have put it better myself.

What I would recommend to you is that you take a look at a few writing guides. Ezn wrote a nice one, as did Cereal Velocity, and those are just for pony fiction. After you’ve given at least one of them a good read through, go check out some books from your favorite author at the library, and just read. Reading is one of the most effective ways to improve your writing, because you can pick up on little tips and tricks that the more famous authors use, and it will help you develop your creative voice. Combine that knowledge with the dos and don’ts from the writing guides, and you might just be able to write a compelling novel.

What you’ve got right here, however, just isn’t entertaining. Sorry.

Last edited at Fri, Feb 8th, 2013 01:35

>> No. 126548
Can I ask for your views on something specific, in addition to the normal stuff?

To specify: transitions between the past and the present. Some transitions my pre-reader loved, others were a bit jarring. He didn't specify more, though.

Title: Schemering Sintel
Author: N00813

[Sad][Dark][Adventure (sort of. Implied, since the story begins near the end of the adventure.)]


It's been a long, long time since Spike was stolen from her, but Twilight hasn't forgotten nor forgiven. After a long and arduous journey, she's finally found him and his kidnapper.
She will save him.
No matter the cost.

Approx word count of chapter 2: 3000
Chapter 3: 3500 (if you're still up for it).
>> No. 126569
Hello, I'd love if you could review my story. It's over your limit at 12k words, but I'm fine if you only read the first 5k.

Title: Under the Northern Skies
Author: Prolet

[Shipping] [Adventure] [Dark]
Synopsis: Twilight and Rarity are sent to identify a mysterious artifact found in the Crystal Mountains. The journey is long, and while traveling in the breathtakingly beautiful scenery of the North, Twilight starts to discover entirely new feelings towards her friend.

But their mission is not sugar and spice, for under the Northern skies, something ancient has awoken.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/77480/under-the-northern-skies
Word count: 12130
>> No. 126574
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In which, Twilight and Rarity head to the crystal kingdom.

The Mane Events
An excavation team up north unearths something. Rock Smasher radios in the find, and then suddenly everything goes still and quiet.

Twilight Sparkle receives a letter telling her to go north to investigate something, and to bring a friend. She brings Rarity. Twilight falls asleep on the train. She wakes up and they are in Hoofington. Rarity wants to go to the theatre, but instead the two of them walk by the river. Rarity is reminded of something from her past. Twilight wishes to find out what it is, but a storm springs up and she and Rarity are too far from the city to hide, and camp out under a tree. Lightning strikes the tree, and Rarity saves Twilight. Then the storm ends, and the two of them head back to town, and cuddle up together in a hotel room.

Between The Lines
Something has befallen the excavation ponies up north, and Twilight Sparkle—along with her companion, Rarity the white unicorn—must find out what is out there, under the northern skies.

Synopsis Review
Well, that’s actually spot on. What you have there is exactly what I read, if only I’d read it first.

My Thoughts
My sincerest apologies. Due to a small habit of mine, I read your story without first reading the synopsis. If I’m going to read it anyway, what’s to know? Right? Wrong. I did not realize your story was shipping, and combined with being mostly tired when I read this, I got upset when it appeared that Twilight and Rarity were growing together. I probably would have viewed this in a different light had I realized that. Still, for what it was, I didn't enjoy it very much. The writing is very lackluster, contrived, and overall confusing. Not something I'd want to read again.

Last edited at Mon, Feb 11th, 2013 19:53

>> No. 126577
Thanks for the feedback!

I'll be redoing the bar scene.

As for chapter 3, if you want to review the transitions using FimFiction's comments or PM when you have the time, feel free.

Again - thanks!
>> No. 126618
Tales of Hope.

Synopsis: Even in the darkest of times. There is hope.

Tags: Slightly Sad. Hope. Mystery.

Word Count: 2506

Aim: EqD if possible.

Document: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mD8psTL2IiIf-bO3Voc6rBozUF060FmV5TwwPaPqtsg/edit

Last edited at Wed, Feb 13th, 2013 08:08

>> No. 126666
Hey there, Rainy. This Lent I'm trying to write a story a day, and I thought I'd occasionally try to get an opinion or two on some of them. So, here's my first of possibly several submissions from this set of fics.

Title: Who Could Win A Rabbit
Author: Nietzsche
Tags: Slice-of-Life
Word Count: 1300
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/48911/2/animal-crack-box/who-could-win-a-rabbit
Synopsis: Turtledove tries out for her school's track team.

(You don't need to review the synopsis: I just made it up for your benefit. The story itself doesn't have a synopsis since it's part of a collection.)
>> No. 126672
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In which, Twilight gets an unknown cure for an unknown disease from an unknown pony.

The Mane Events
Twilight tries to convince somepony to cure her sick friend, but they say no because he’s not royalty. Then, a mysterious blue pegasus shows up with a box. He runs away, and Twilight asks the guards to stop him. They fail, and Twilight is left with the box. Inside the box, Twilight finds the cure to her friend’s ailment. She and the guards then discuss who the pegasus was. After that, the narrator switches narrative styles to deliver a lackluster dramatic ending.

Between The Lines
Spike is sick with a fatal disease, and nopony has the cure… except for a mysterious Pegasus named Storm Blade. He shows up to help ponies, then vanishes, leaving them with what they needed.

Synopsis Review

>Even in the darkest of times. There is hope.
For a line to put on a movie poster? This is a great line. As a synopsis? It fails miserably. The synopsis is your one chance to hook your reader and say “You absolutely must read this story; your curiosity compels you to do so”. You need a hook—a promise of some reward inside. This doesn’t promise anything; it’s more of a feeble and fruitless attempt at cheering up a suicidal friend on a gloomy day.

Tell me about your story; tell me why I should even bother to give it a second look. Don’t give me pointless cliché words I’ve heard so many times they make me sick to even look at them. That’s not going to get you any attention. That’s just going to say “Hey, don’t come over here, you’ve seen this before.” Besides, “The Guardian” already did this story. Go watch it; it’s a great movie, even if it is Ashton Kutcher.

My Thoughts
Ready for EqD? I’m sorry, no. Is English not your first language? I ask because your story has that awkward quirky style of speech that you’d often see in poorly translated manga. You don’t make a lot of rookie mistakes other than telling, but your grammar and punctuation are severely lacking. EqD is going to be watching for those and you’ll need to know them.

As for the story itself? Um, it was sort of… meh. Remember I said your review is supposed to promise a reward? Well, you kind of also need to actually have a reward behind that promise, unless of course your intent is to upset your reader. This did not deliver in any way shape or form. First question: Where in blue blazes are they?! You threw world building completely out the window. I mean, sure, the guards tipped me off that it might be Canterlot, but you didn’t go past that. Cobblestones, towers, a castle, anything~ But, no—nothing. And if it’s Canterlot then what the buck are they even doing in Canterlot? Why are they there?

Your characters cannot exist in a vacuum. You need to create a world for them to exist in, or there’s nothing to grab on to—nothing to imagine. Do you want me to imagine white space? That’s boring. The only story that pulled that off was “White Box” and that author spent a lot of time telling you about the white box. Once you’ve created your world, then you need a reason for your characters to be there. There has to be a purpose.

I recommend looking at a few writing guides, and then some good old fashioned books. Yes, books. Storybooks. Books are the best way to learn how to write properly. They teach you all the exciting tricks to use, if you’re paying attention.

That’s my review. Thank you, and have a nice day. Feel free to ask questions regarding anything I might have missed.

Last edited at Tue, Feb 19th, 2013 17:49

>> No. 126673
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In which, a pony loses a race.

The Mane Events
Turtledove joins the track team. She ends up being a slow runner, and comes in dead last. As she’s running, however, she becomes discouraged at first that she’s in last place, and then realizes that running is painful for some reason. Then she sees the finish line in sight, and continues on. After the race, she goes to congratulate somepony else she’d seen win a few races. He insults her before she gets there, however, so she never congratulates him.

Between The Lines
Turtle dove has decided to try out for the track team, only to find that some ponies aren’t as nice as she though, and that winning isn’t exactly easy.

Synopsis Review
You’ve asked me not to review this, so I won’t.

My Thoughts
Interesting. As a member of the track team all four years of high school, I can sort of relate to this. I was always the slow kid. But everypony at least respected me for trying harder than any of them. I never missed a minute of practice, and I had more drive than they did. Still, I was slow, and this isn’t about me anyway. The point is that I totally get the lesson that you can’t win every race, because I never won a single one. I did win the respect of the team though.

What I don’t get is what the point of this was, or why she found running so painful. I’m a runner, so maybe I’m just numb to it, but I don’t find running to be very painful—at least not during. Sure, afterward you feel sore, and you can get shin splints if you don’t work on your technique, but it shouldn’t hurt just to run. Turtledove should get that looked at.

And what made her think she was going to win? I ran because I loved doing it, and my teammates were the driving force that kept me running. I was in it not for the competition, but for the sport, and camaraderie. Turtledove was clearly in this to win, so what made her think she had a chance? And why was the other pony so mean to her? What purpose did it serve? What did it do to her? And ultimately: Why was it in the story?

Not the *worst* story I’ve ever seen, but it could use some work.

Oh, and, nice numbers, by the way.
>> No. 126686
Hey, I was hoping that you would be able to take a look at the first chapter of my fic. It's a crossover, but you don't need to have played the original game to understand it. Thanks.

Title: Grim Flamingo

Tags: Dark, adventure, crossover

Word count: 3100

Synopsis: After Twilight passes into Tartarus she is forced to work off a former sin until she can move on to the next afterlife. However all is not well in the land of the dead.


Last edited at Sat, Feb 16th, 2013 17:35

>> No. 126725
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In which, Twilight Sparkle works as a death representative.

The Mane Events
Twilight receives a package from Derpy, after cleaning up a death scene. She enters the office, speaks to a pony named Bouncer, and then heads off to receive another “client”. Blueblood, her boss, tells her she needs to make a premium sale by the end of the day or she’s fired. After that, she calls up Derpy.

Between The Lines
Twilight Sparkle is dead, and works at the Ministry of Death—MoD for short. The only way to get to the afterlife is to work hard enough to get a promotion, which will be being sent to the afterlife. Trixie is her rival in this job.

Synopsis Review
Well, it’s a decent description of the story, but your lack of punctuation skill is going to be a big turn off for anypony who takes writing seriously—it’s a dead giveaway that you’re new at this. It’s not a bad hook, but I would encourage you to work on it.

My Thoughts
Interesting. For a new writer you’re surprisingly good at making little happen in so many words, yet keeping the reader interested at the same time. In other words: pacing. You’ve got a great sense of it. Your punctuation on the other hand, Yeesh. Get a text editor and a friend or trusted advisor. You’ve got to fix that punctuation. Even readers who aren’t serious writers aren’t going to enjoy reading it if they can’t figure out where one sentence ends and the other picks up. You’ve got run-ons, fragments, disjointed sentences and very, very odd commas. Run this over by the training grounds and say you’re looking for somepony good with punctuation and editing.
For your convenience, here is a video of me reviewing this story. I hope you will find it helpful.

Last edited at Mon, Feb 18th, 2013 23:54

>> No. 126733

I'll just say one thing, as I am going over and editing it.

I read storybooks a lot.
>> No. 126734
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*I'm mostly worried about the characters and the second scene. Please tell me all of your thoughts on it.

Title: A Butterfly Dies in the Wind

Author: Kookie Crave

Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Slightly Dark but not enough for a full-fledged tag.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/84839/a-butterfly-dies-in-the-wind

Synopsis: In a world where the elements were actually prisons containing monstrous beings bent on achieving harmony and power. The late Princess Celestia has gone missing for 1000 years and Equestria is nothing but a shadow of its former glory as ponies have forsaken what they believed in long ago. It is believed that her sister is to be returning from her prison from the moon and she, co-wielder of the elements may have the ability to destroy them once and for all.

But this story isn't about Nightmare but Posey, cursed Bearer of Kindness and her desire to let go of her grief toward her mother.

Word count: 5,025
>> No. 126757
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Something's come up—my life has become increasingly busy, and I don't have the time I used to have. I have to close the queue indefinitely for the time being. I'll be requesting a thread lock in a week or less.

I'm going to try to look this over within the week, but I can't promise anything. Sorry.
>> No. 126770
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Take your time. Life waits for no-one, after all. I guess I'll look else where for the time being.
>> No. 126822
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In which, Posey the Fluttershy violently murders a bunch of helpless butterflies.

The Mane Events
A young, low ranking druid named Posey enters a cavern. There she battles giant acid spitting plants, even tricking one of them into spitting onto the rock beside her to create a passage through to a sort of antechamber, which she then enters. In the antechamber Posey talks to herself for a while, going on and on about her terrible mother, and some monster.

Eventually, she is visited by three butterflies, which argue with her over her violence, saying it is not necessary. She kills them and soon an entire swarm comes to carry her off. She battles the swarm of butterflies until finally she kills them all and they take on the form of a giant caterpillar, climbing onto her back and holding a knife to her neck. Posey merges with the entity and it begins to break her bones from the inside, causing her enough pain to pass out.

The scene changes to a few other ponies, discussing whether or not they should kill Posey. One named Hillsong eventually convinces them to let her live, because he is taking care of her.

Between The Lines
The Spirit of Kindness is two entities, and one of them is a sad and angry being, living among the druids. She must endure the cruelty of her element in order to protect the balance of her other half.

Synopsis Review
Intriguing, somewhat promising, and ultimately: a red herring. Perhaps I’m using the term incorrectly, but your synopsis leads the reader completely off track before saying, “Oh, yeah, this is actually what the story is about, not that”. It’s not bad, but it’s very misleading until the final sentence.

My Thoughts
What the bloody hell was that?! You can’t just expect me to assume that train wreck had much coherence. I may have well have taken an acid tablet to get the same experience. That was weird.

What even is Posey. I’m really struggling to follow what’s going on here, and why mention that she’s a druid? That didn’t have anything to do with the rest of the plot. There was no point to that, and it was quite boring to read. I would compare this story to… well, Discord. All the parts are there, but they’re slapped together in such disharmony that the whole thing just looks… ugly.
For some added input, if you should so desire, here is a recording of me reading this story. I apologize for the audio syncing on the second one. I worked on it for a half hour and gave up due to time constraints.

Special Requests
>I'm mostly worried about the characters and the second scene. Please tell me all of your thoughts on it.
Honestly, it’s really hard to remember all of their names, or even what was being discussed, because I was so focused on trying to understand what was going on in the first place. I think one of them thought she was evil and just wanted her dead, One thought she was dangerous and should be left alone, one of them felt sorry for her, and one of them wanted to keep her alive and suffering. That’s about as far as I got. I remember the names Hillside, Bath, Maple, and Warren, but other than that it’s all a blur. I used to much mental energy just trying to comprehend the events in the story.

Last edited at Sun, Feb 24th, 2013 16:14

>> No. 127134
Unlocked by request.
>> No. 127141
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Well, it's been a month, and I'm back. I've found some books, picked up a few puzzles, and found my mind sharp again. I guess it's time to flip the open sign.

THE QUEUE IS NOW OPEN for business and I'm eager to start helping out again.

Thanks again.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 24th, 2013 10:07

>> No. 127223
Title: The Desert
Author: Ladypteranodon
Tags: Slice-of-Life
Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B10Pz6grrb_EQ0gzOXp1NGFpbkU/edit?usp=drive_web
Sypnosis: Star Swirl has been traveling the world in search of a time spell. But when he finally finds one, he gets an extra surprise: a spell that a mysterious unicorn calls "his destiny". But after a series of mistakes causes him to take a long detour to a terrible desert colony, he starts to wonder if his destiny is really that close at all.
Word count: 10,606 but I'm only asking for the first 5,000 or so (the link goes to the first 5,000). But anyways, if you're not totally and completely bored and want to read more... *hint, hint*

Last edited at Mon, Apr 1st, 2013 21:12

>> No. 127491
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H'okay. Let's get back in the swing of things.

>32 days old

My esteemed apologies, Ladypteranodon, for disappearing without notice like that. If you're still around, just reply back to this, and I'll try to get to your story within the week.
>> No. 127492
I'm still here. And honestly, I'm happy for any review, even if I have to wait for 32 days

Last edited at Sat, May 4th, 2013 21:01

>> No. 127503
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This kinda sounds like the exact thing I need right now, I'm very early on in a project and I just want to know if it's painful or not to read.

There's nothing really pony related in it yet, but I'm not really sure where else to ask for a hand on this

Would really appreciate a little preread (it's 5 pages thus far, 1300 words) but if not I hope guys have a good one anyway
>> No. 127505
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Send me the story info and I'll give it a look in the next few days.

In which, Starswirl and Sombra become mortal enemies.

The Mane Events

Starswirl meets a unicorn who gives him a spell book which contains two spells. He tries to cast the first spell, modifies it, and determines that it can’t be used. Then he meets a mare who has tied herself up. She claimed to be trapped, and seems to be trying to win him over for something. He unties her, ignores her various approaches, and walks her home. Her father (KING FUCKING SOMBRA) tries to convince him to teach her magic. He refuses, and leaves. Some time later, Somba contacts him. They meet—after Starswirl waits for hours—and Sombra shows Starswirl an orb of souls he has acquired. Sombra threatens Starswirl, and I forget the rest.

Between The Lines

Starswirl searches for his destiny, meanwhile crossing paths with the evil Sombra, a greedy, power hungry (somehow evil), unicorn who has a grudge against Starswirl for literally no reason at all.

Synopsis Review

Well, you mentioned his destiny, but the rest of this gets lost in the reading.

My Thoughts

Um, no. The idea is boring, the characters are boring, the infodumps are boring, and your stupid present tense narration is doing a pretty good job of shooting you in the foot. I would scrap this and start over if it were me. Better yet, I wouldn’t start over at all. But that’s just me.

Video: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/97125549/Video%20Review%20-%20The%20Desert.mp4
>> No. 127506
Yep, that's about what I expected. The audio in the video cuts out about a third of the way through, though. I don't know if it's my crappy computer or something wrong with the video
>> No. 127507
File 136797827888.png - (73.83KB , 945x945 , shrugpony Bleeding Rain.png )
It could be the video. I'll check it out.
>> No. 127508
File 136806412893.png - (1.08MB , 900x728 , Patchwork.png )

In which, a couple of military thugs get left in the dark.

The Mane Events

Some guy whose name escapes me, and this other guy whose name escapes me, meet on the way to their mission, and they enter this… area, where it’s all quiet and such. Then the lights flicker. They ask each other what the problem could be, and the lights go off entirely. They call in on the radio, and get no response. One of them is a private and… honestly that’s all I remember. Your story was not very memorable

Between The Lines

… A couple of army guys were conspired against? There’s no way I can infer something from what little there is here.

Synopsis Review

There would be more words here if you had included a synopsis.

What I Thought Of It

You know, I would really appreciate it if when I’m forced to scrape my eyes across a boring and uninteresting story, that the author would at least have the decency to put ponies in it. Particularly because this is Ponychan—I’m here for the pony fiction. I also wish I could have had some idea of what I was getting into. “Read my story it’s 1300 words long” tells me absolutely nothing about it. It says right in the thread OP: title, appropriate tags, a synopsis. These things are not only fairly simple to come up with, they’re essential components of any story intended to be showcased.

Ranting aside, I thought your story was boring, and very confusing due to my lack of knowledge of weapons. Furthermore, it didn’t fit my interests.

Video: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/97125549/Untitled%20review.mp4

Last edited at Fri, May 10th, 2013 18:12

>> No. 127533
I have a sad/dark story that is over your limit of 5k words. It is approximately 6700 at the moment. My question is, since your queue is empty, would it be okay if I posted my synopsis and see if you liked it enough to read it? Seeing as how you mentioned leniency and all.

>> No. 127536
File 136848316404.png - (343.80KB , 1649x2057 , Fribox.png )
>sad dark
Eh, fine, lets see it. But if you send me drivel, I will not finish it.
>> No. 127537
Fair enough. If you get bored before you finish, then my job as a writer has failed, which means I need a lot of work done. Feel free to be as harsh as possible on me. I need it.

Anyhoo, let me see if I can get the submission guidelines correct.

Name: Creepy Doll

Tags: Sad, Dark

Synopsis: Lyra and Bon Bon have always been close friends, and at times, more than that. When they decide to take the next step and proclaim their everlasting love for each other, a tragedy befalls them. Lyra tries to cope without Bon Bon. When Bon Bon reanimates as a vengeful doll, Lyra wonders whether everlasting love is what it's cracked up to be.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1InZdC5t_jkGJKio0Xv4TiL54ZUAw1VboX9NenMralzQ/edit

Words: 6718

I have also put this in the Training Grounds, but I thought that since your thread focuses on something different, I thought it would be okay to put it here too. If that's not okay, please let me know. Thanks in advance for reading my story and I hope you enjoy it. :D
>> No. 127538
File 136850316983.png - (1.41MB , 1200x1361 , Bluelulzy 2.png )
You're all set. It may take me a few days to find the time, so, just letting you know. And it's totally cool that it's in the Training Grounds. As long as we know who else is looking at it, we won't clash. Keep this thread watched for a few days and I should have it done before too long.
>> No. 127539

Awesome, thanks. No worries, I don't mind waiting. <3
>> No. 127610
Just wanted you to know I'm still alive and that I didn't disappear on you or anything. Hope finals are going okay. :3
>> No. 127612
File 136925952659.png - (1.06MB , 3507x2480 , Boyindahaus.png )
Ha, I wish that was what's been keeping me so busy. I could take a break from that. Nah, I'm a working pony now. Out earning a living. Yet somehow I have the time to type this out. Oh, my bro says we're skipping mountain training today. I've got time, I'll be back in an hour if I can.

Last edited at Wed, May 22nd, 2013 15:06

>> No. 127613
File 136926670214.png - (237.97KB , 900x900 , S8an (Element of Hugs).png )
In which, Lyra and Bon Bon become animated plush dolls via dying.

The Mane Events
Bon Bon is taking Lyra to the Grand Galloping Gala. She buys her a diamond necklace, and a dress. They head to the gala, and a stray carriage rolls down the hill toward Lyra. Bon Bon dives into the path of the carriage, pushes Lyra out of the way, and is struck and killed by the carriage. Lyra then finds her dead wife on the ground, and goes home. There is an adorable flashback of when they met, and then Lyra wakes up in her home, alone. After walking around her home for a bit, Lyra begins hearing some strange sounds. Berry Punch (who is apparently her friend) tries to see if she’s okay, because she hasn’t left her house in dats. After further exploration—and another night’s sleep—Lyra discovers that the noises she’s been hearing are from her Bon Bon doll, which has been reanimated by the spirit of her dead wife, Bon Bon.

Bon Bon doll then begins to torment Lyra and chase her around the house until finally Lyra tries to kill her and fails. Bon Bon doll tries to convince Lyra to kill herself, but Lyra has had enough and captures the doll. She puts it in a box of Bon Bon’s things, and then burns the box. Of course, the doll can feel pain, despite ignoring a knife to the head, so it begins screaming. Unable to endure the screaming, Lyra kicks the box, sending burning embers everywhere, and lighting her house on fire, because apparently her fireplace is open and in the middle of the room so this can happen.

Between The Lines
Tormented by the loss of her wife and closest friend, Lyra shuts herself in her house and starts imagining her spouse reanimated as a doll. In her delusioned state, she burns her own home to the ground, killing herself in the process. Reunited with her lover, the two happy souls float off into eternity.

Synopsis Review
Your synopsis made it out as if this was going to be a terrible experience for Lyra, and that the undead soul of her lover would torment her for the rest of her days, and I was actually sort of looking forward to it. Instead, it had a happy ending, and your forboding synopsis was deemed incredibly misleading. Whether intentional or not, I was frustrated by this.

My Thoughts
I thought the death was lame and the Berry Punch schpeal could have been explained better. The flirting was nice, the creepy stalking doll was great, and the ending just ruined the whole mood. Not to mention your feels fell totally flat because we have no connection to Berry Punch. Establish the friendship before the tragedy if you want the reader to feel anything.


Last edited at Wed, May 22nd, 2013 20:30

>> No. 127617
Thanks for the review, BleedingRaindrops!

I'll fix up those things you mentioned right away. There's a lot I have to learn when it comes to trying to write a scary fic, so I must thank you for bearing with me. The next time I submit a fic, I'll make sure that it's better.

Yea, I really need to work on my endings. :(

It's a shame that you won't ever read this story again, even if I do fix it up. But I will take the advice and reaction you've given to me for this story, and I'll make a better one to show other people. You've been a big help, man. <3

You have no idea...

Last edited at Thu, May 23rd, 2013 21:19

>> No. 127623
File 136942771240.png - (130.46KB , 894x894 , christmas hat.png )
>It's a shame that you won't ever read this story again, even if I do fix it up
Not in *this* thread, no, but it's possible that it may fall into my hooves again by other means, or in another location.
>> No. 127624
Heh. Perhaps one day. <3
>> No. 127711
Author: Fury of the Tempest

Title: Tales of Hope, Chapter 1

Word count: 1113

Synopsis: The Elements of Harmony. Many people now know of them, know that they have saved Equestira with their power. Yet the Elements reach far beyond the artifacts, their reach is never-ending.

Allow me to tell you a tale or two, a tale of how the Elements have changed the life of one pony forever, and given him something to hold onto... given him hope.

Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mD8psTL2IiIf-bO3Voc6rBozUF060FmV5TwwPaPqtsg/edit
>> No. 127717
File 137038829321.png - (85.96KB , 600x1001 , Bleeding Rain heartpony.png )
You've run into rule 1 of my thread. Unless this is a different chapter, I already reviewed it here ( >>126672).
>> No. 127732
Its a complete and utter rewrite. Same name yeah. VASTLY different story.

If that doesn't convince you, the original was the last chapter, while this is the first.
>> No. 127749

Synopsis: You are a burger-flipper at McDonald's (recently promoted to Assistant Manager!); you work double and triple shifts, heartily and with a smile, to support yourself and your old mother, dreaming to make it big in McDondald's by climbing the echelons one by one. You and your coworkers don't have it easy, but you have faith in the Dream. To recharge your fill of kindness and fuzzy feels, you read pony fiction in the commute, and browse the Internet for pony, late at night. One such night, you sleepily stumble on one absurd suggestion: press Alt + Ctrl + E to go to Equestria.
What follows iurns out to be a recurrent dream, where each iteration branches slightly differently, and the strange rules of dream logic are law. The you that is dreamed searches for the Orb of Time to rescue Equestria from a great peril, while the you that dreams chases, night after night, for that seemingly unreachable happy ending before the inevitable awakening, where all will be forgotten.

A recursive fanfic to "Choose Your Own Adventure: Brony Hero of Equestria", with some ideas stolen from the "Overlord Hard At Work" YA novels, and with Neil Gaiman's the Sandman as a very distant setting. The reader need not be familiar with either work, at all.

>> No. 127753
File 137081617854.png - (225.97KB , 1861x3026 , heartpony Bleeding Rain.png )
Okay, you're both in the queue. I'll see to them in the next few days.
>> No. 127758
Excellent to know! Through, are you okay with reviewing the story chapter by chapter, or will I only be able to get one chapter reviewed?
>> No. 127760
File 137100680490.png - (0.98MB , 1280x1400 , Moozua.png )
The point is that this is a candid, first reactions thread. If I haven't read the words yet, it should be fine.
>> No. 127762
>> No. 127805
Title: She Who Walks Between The Petals
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Language: American English
Magnolia Crescent, a graduate from Gardenia College and current unemployed loser, has finally managed to get a job at the Lenora Gardens in Canterlot. Even though she is nothing but a glorified janitor with a very useless degree, can't help but wonder what the scientists are up to. Everyday, disgusting smells that she only can smell and the memory gaps. Magnolia doesn't mind any of those things as long as she has a job but when she dreams of being a large flower that eats ponies, something must be done.


How does it stand out as a horror mystery? Was I too light on anything description wise.
>> No. 127847
You don't have to review this story anymore. Thanks for your time.
>> No. 127849
File 137195413327.png - (133.73KB , 500x500 , Coco.png )
O... k? If that's what you want. One less story for me to look at.
>> No. 127858
File 137208658004.png - (343.80KB , 1649x2057 , Fribox.png )
In which, filly Fluttershy comforts an unnamed colt in Cloudsdale.

The Mane Events

Unnecessary infodump about Cloudsdale, then a brief mention of some magical sheild. Unnamed Colt peers over the edge of the cloud, contemplating jumping. But then he is assualted by voices of benevolent, then malevolent intent. A voice behind him startles him, and he turns to see a yellow pegasus filly with a pink mane. He notices that she is kind, and he runs to her, crying. She hugs him.

Between The Lines

Unnamed colt has been bullied most of his short life. He doesn't have the confidence to fly, because every time he tries, he is bombarded by the voices of his tormentors. As he goes through a mental breakdown, Fluttershy finds him and, seeing that something is wrong, decides to comfort him.

Synopsis Review

This was merely a snippet of the whole story, so it had no tie in to the synopsis.

My Thoughts

Well, you're correct. This isn't what I read before. I didn't really see the point of it, though. It lacked explanation for why these events were taking place, and ended abruptly. I suspect this is due to the lack of context with the rest of the story. It was merely a snippet after all. Find an editor. Your grammar is awful.
>> No. 127859
File 137210418022.png - (1.06MB , 3507x2480 , Boyindahaus.png )
In which, you enter equestria by pressing a few buttons on a keyboard.

The Mane Events

Anon (you) works in a burger joint. You flip burgers for a living, and have become friendly with some of the workers there. One woman is a bit annoying to deal with, because she's a single mother with three kids, and she saves all her love for them. This other guy, Jake, is a really cool dude. You got to know him over drinks at a bar one time. You sing "You've got a friend in me" with him at some point. I don't remember why, but the song was enjoyable. You head home after work, and your landlord insists on fixing you dinner. Then you go online, and follow a weird suggestion by some bronies. You wake up in Equestria, starting at Celestia.

Between The Lines

There's not really much to infer, other than that Jake is gay. Oh, and Equestria is real, and you can get there by pushing a few buttons on your keyboard. Can't for the life of me remember what they were. Curse these thread rules. I want to go to equestria.

Synopsis Review

It's shaping up nice. You've promised an interesting premise, and you're delivering. Good work.

My Thoughts

There was a small joke that I chuckled at right near the beginning, but I can't remember what it was. That's okay, though, because I remember the emotions better than the details anyway. What I'll remember is that I enjoyed it. Unfortuneately, MLD kind of ruined this trope for me. Anonymous human has a semi decent to miserable life, finds a means to Equestria, usually through the internet, and bing bang boop. Whether they're a pony, or human, they've got to learn to fit in. Still, this showed promise, and I'm interested in how it shapes up. It's important to set yourself apart from the pack early on, though, but good luck.

Last edited at Tue, Jul 2nd, 2013 03:22

>> No. 127860
File 137211521627.png - (959.67KB , 2000x1231 , Bluelulzy.png )
In which, Twilight has a bloody nightmare.

The Mane Events

A vast theater is described. Each seat filled with pony nobility, who are all chuckling at whatever is on stage. Twilight is on stage. She is bound to a chair by razor wire. She tries to move around, but her flesh is cut by the wire. She sees Pinkie Pie, only, it's not Pinkie Pie. Her eyes are sunken in and bloody. Twilight hears a voice. "You are in my world." She asks who it is, to the response "Death". Twilight wakes up in her room. All is well, but she hears the voice again.

Between The Lines

Twilight has a nightmare, possibly of a future event. Pinkie Pie has gone insane, and bound her to a chair with razor wire to torture her, and is showing it off to some sadistic nobles.

Synopsis Review

I like this. It promises so much. Death. Decay. Decline into madness. I'm almost drooling just reading that. It is helped by the prologue delivering a small appetizer before the main course arrives. Delicious!

My Thoughts

Nice art on the prologue there. I'm not exactly a sadist, but blood in fiction always seems to excite me. That said, you didn't use the cheap method of laying on the gore so thick it got boring. No, this is a good amount of seasoning. Just a pinch, to whet the palate.

I was almost lost in the beginning, but it got much better once Twilight became self aware. I found my mouth watering again as I read through her torturous predicament, and I absolutely loved Pinkie Pie's involvement in it. The problem is that I had to get through the intro to get to all that. It wasn't horrendous, but it bored me before the action started. My suggestion would be to put some extra effort into that opening. Make it just a little more gripping. Bait the hook, and reel 'em in. That middle scene is the clincher for the whole story, but the reader has got to get there first.

I look forward to seeing what this story turns into. There's a mountain of potential here.

At long last, it's here. Boy life is busy these days. Hope this helps.

Last edited at Mon, Jun 24th, 2013 16:12

>> No. 127887
File 137229357930.png - (85.96KB , 600x1001 , Bleeding Rain heartpony.png )
In which, citizens of Ponyville are tortured.

The Mane Events

Pinkie wakes up chained to a chair, with her tongue attached to a hook. She is told that her sisters will be sawed in half if she does not rip her tongue out and press the button on the back of the chair behind her. After a few seconds of contemplating the decision, she decides to save her sisters' lives. The saw about to kill her sisters is stopped, and then another saw cuts her in half.

Rainbow Dash wakes up to find that she can't feel any part of her body, and moving produces ripping sounds. She is told that she is in a cryogenic cell, and her legs are pinned in by hooks. If she is tough enough, she can escape, but the room is going to become steadily colder, and she only has five minutes. Eventually, she makes her way out, and a stallion greets her at the door. He wants to show her the world "The way it was meant to be seen"

Nurse Redheart wakes up in a room with four unconscious bodies. A voice recording tells her that in two minutes acid will rain on top of her, and the key to the door is in one of the bodies. She runs to a bookshelf where she finds a note that says the key is in the heart. The recording tells her about what happened a while ago at the hospital—a terrible deed that she did. She stole the heart of one of the patients to save her friend, but it was a fruitless endeavor, as the patient had cancer in his heart. She finally snaps, carves open the hearts of two of the ponies, and finds the key. She then, crawls outside, her hide completely seared by the acid. She meets Jigsaw, a psychopathic sadist who had escaped from the hospital.

Between The Lines

Jigsaw has been snatching up ponies to torture for his enjoyment, placing each in a personalized "game" that he has designed. If they can endure the pain, they will survive.

Synopsis Review

I don't know if 'overthrow their way of life' is quite the right wording, but then again, you're the author. Telling your readers what the questions are is kind of like explaining a joke. It ruins the atmosphere. If you let the readers ask the questions themselves, you'll get a better response.

My Thoughts

I didn't like this. It felt like just gore for the sake of gore, without much rhyme or reason to it. Now, you may say "Yes, that's the point.” but you’re missing a crucial part of any dark/gore story. Among my favorite Horror movies was “House of A Thousand Corpses” directed by Rob Zombie. A few teenagers looking for some mystery, seek out the house of an infamous serial killer. Once their, their car is sabotaged, and they are attacked, knocked out, and bound up. they are all brutally tortured, and most of them die. Have you read Rainbow Factory? It does a similar thing. It sets up the fillies as just going through their daily lives, when they are thrust into a torturous and murderous situation, and utterly bewildered as to how they got there.

Here’s the crucial point that those to have, and your story doesn’t. They force the audience to think. How—how could these poor unfortunate souls have possibly avoided this terrible situation? But they also leave no solution to this problem. They show the audience exactly how the events unfolded, and there is no point at which the victims could have forseen their doom, and turned back. The audience is left with only one answer: There was no escape. these people were doomed from the start, and their pain was unavoidable. That's why horror stories are so gut wrenching. *Because there is no escape.*

Your story fails on this account, because it begins with the victims already in torture. It provides no explanation for the events leading up to this point, and thus, no story for the audience to search through for an escape route. Because of this, your story loses a lot of its impact, and misses the opportunity to shine like I think it can. Sorry to say that I did not enjoy this. You forgot the peppers, so the curry isn’t spicy.
>> No. 127888
File 137229395062.png - (1.06MB , 3507x2480 , Boyindahaus.png )
In which, Twilight has a nightmare about her parents.

The Mane Events

Twilight wakes up in the bathroom. She decides she must have been sleepwalking, and heads back to bed, but not before seeing something in the mirror. It looks like her father, but with the skin pulled back against the bones. She sees the picture of her family with Shining Armor’s face ripped out, her mother’s eyes bleeding, and the glass cracked. She gets chased around the house. She sees Shining Armor. She wakes up screaming which wakes up Spike. She asks him to leave Equestrian Mythology open on the table. He asks if anything is wrong, and she responds “I hope not.”.

Between The Lines

Twilight has a nightmare. Not much more too it. Something might have happened to her family, but not much can be conclusively infered at this stage.

Synopsis Review

Questions in a synopsis are generally a bad idea. They indicate that the author doesn’t have faith that the readers will ask these questions themselves, and they also rob the reader of the opportunity to do just that. Thus, ruining immersion, which is basically shooting your story in the proverbial foot. Or, hoof, in this case.

My Thoughts

Was that supposed to be scary? Scratch that. Was it supposed to be entertaining? All that was was a mish mosh of random freaky stuff. No rhyme or reason, and no coherence either. It was all very rushed and smooshed together. I recommend you work on pacing; this moved way too fast to keep track of everything. I’m fairly certain I missed a few details, and this wasn’t even a thousand words. Not Good. Also, you’ve run into the same problem the last author through here did. You don’t have any buildup—nothing to explain or even foreshadow these events. You need something for your reader to look at and go “could this have been avoided?”. Then—and this is very important—they must be forced to come to the conclusion that there is no possible way this tragedy could have been avoided.

I realize this story is still in the developmental stages, so it’s not all there, but continuing with that last point in mind—I believe—will have a lasting impact on your story.

There it is. Good luck, mate.
>> No. 128010
My stories aren't all that good, are they?
>> No. 128012
File 137340664772.png - (0.98MB , 1280x1400 , Moozua.png )
They definitely need work. I've never produced a story that got popular enough to be heard of from anyone but myself, so I'm not exactly the best guy to ask as to how to fix them, but based solely on my *opinion*? No. Your stories are not that good.

Now now, don't get discouraged. Like I said, that's based solely on my opinion. I'm one out of literally millions of people who could read your stories. If there's one thing at all that I've learned in the year and a half I've spent on this board, it's that no matter how good a piece of writing is, someone will always hate it. And, no matter how bad something is, someone will always love it.

My opinion doesn't really matter, does it? I'm just some neckbearded bloke with a computer and too much time on his hands. Granted I've just described about half of your audience, you don't need to take my word as cold hard fact. I crafted this thread so that my opinion would be just that: an opinion. Everyone's got one. If I didn't like your story, that's something you can then work on. Look at what I said about it, and think about whether or not that was the desired reaction. If I'm reacting the way you want me to, then whether I love or hate it, you've succeeded.

What's your goal as a writer? Why do you write in the first place? If you truly want to improve, the first step is in interpreting criticism. Take it to heart. Learn from it. Find what works and what doesn't, and make mental notes of that. But above all, don't stop writing. Unless of course you no longer enjoy it, in which case, yeah, you should stop. But if you love to write, then every failure is only another opportunity to learn and succeed in the future. Take a classic example. Edison. His lightbulbs weren't very good. But he kept at it, made notes of what worked and what didn't, and eventually found a good, working model.

As of right now, I don't think your stories are very good, nor mine. But that can change.

IF you were simply curious and I just made you read all that for nothing. I apologize.

Last edited at Tue, Jul 9th, 2013 14:52

>> No. 128015
Thank you. I will keep this in mind.
>> No. 128094

some months (maybe 6?) ago I submitted the first part of this story. The good news is that there is no need to search up that one, since this fic stands pretty well on its on legs.

Title: Chaos Acknowledged (version 2.0)
Author: Stanku
Tags: Dark, I guess
Word Count: ~2200

The story is about Discord and how he became the Discord know to us today, also about what part Celestia and mane 6 played in this.

link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NmF26plWuWxCq33epOfRuWlFj1JMAF0omvZfbhBOxhs/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 128118
File 137628435835.jpg - (42.36KB , 900x900 , 1344401603555.jpg )
Sorry. Something's come up and I won't be able to look at this any time soon. I have to close this thread for a while. It didn't have much traffic anyway. Maybe if I ever come back I'll start being more meticulous about the detail I put into these. I've been mostly holding back in the hopes that somepony would request special attention to a scene, but it never happened.

In any case, this thread is here on out closed until further notice.
>> No. 128119
Lock request by OP
>> No. 130250
File 139850738263.jpg - (119.76KB , 800x1067 , pinkie_pie_in_the_rain_by_raikoh14-d4t815o.jpg )
Wow, depressing much? I'll just ignore whatever state I must have been in to say that I'm back now, and while I don't have eons of time on my hands like I used to. I do enjoy doing reviews on days when I can't seem to write anything, so, in short. I'm open for business once again.

You're first in line, as you made your bid before I made the lock. You still around?
>> No. 130254

Well, I'm glad I recognize a familiar face. Hope you've been well. May your thread live on and prosper. :)
>> No. 130382
File 139950387477.png - (1.06MB , 3507x2480 , Boyindahaus.png )
Yes, this thread is alive, there's just very little activity.

And no longer anything in the queue.

Sorry, but the writing in this is very poor, and I don't think it's worth me looking at it until you've cleaned it up a lot. Try out one of the other review threads around here (if any are still active) and come back when you've fixed it up.
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