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122131 No. 122131
#Open Reviewing

Please note: this is not a standard review thread. It’s for synopses/descriptions rather than entire fics, and anyone may feel free to chime in. Previous thread at >>70737

The synopsis, while small, is in some ways the most important part of a story. A good one can score you more readers, while a bad one can stop readers in their tracks. So here’s a mini-review thread. Submissions should include a title and tags, in addition to the synopsis.

General advice:

-Proofread. Proofread the buck out of your synopsis. If I see spelling and grammar errors, that doesn’t bode well for the fic proper.
-Keep it relatively short. A paragraph or two, sure, but don’t try to fit a whole chapter in there.
-Don’t try to be fancy. Ellipses, semicolons, em dashes, and suchlike are generally unnecessary in such a short piece.
-Don’t be vague. Don’t be coy. Don’t be mysterious.

That last covers a lot of ground. See, your synopsis is your first chance (and, in many cases, your only chance) to get a reader interested. Don’t hint at something which might maybe be cool and if we start reading we can find it; just go ahead and give us the cool thing. If you’re writing an intentionally vague synopsis and thinking, “Oh, the reader will see me being all mysterious, and they’ll be so desperate to know my secrets,” then you’re wrong. Readers, by and large, do not care that much.

To quote Kurt Vonnegut, “Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.” Use your synopsis to find that one person. Your best chance to hook readers is by telling them what your story is about and why they, personally, want to read it.

A few specific points on this subject:
-Tell us your characters’ names, even (especially) if you’re using OCs. It’s tough to care about people whose names we don’t know.
-Describe the story’s conflicts, and be concrete.
-Describe those conflicts’ stakes. What is at risk? Why do we care?
-Don’t hedge your conflicts or their stakes. No “this might happen.” No “will this happen?” Your stakes should be important and irrevocable.
-More broadly, don’t use rhetorical questions. Be firm.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 122134
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122134
I had put this one in here a while ago, but I'd never given it another shot after getting some feedback on the first synopsis.

Title: No Foals
Tags: [Shipping]
Synopsis: Sometimes you have problems that need to be solved. Sometimes you need to take some time and talk things out. Unless there aren't even any problems in the first place.

For context after reading:
For those that don't recall this from a few write-offs ago, it's an AppleDash shipping fic that takes place a few years after the series. The two are married, but since then things between them had hit a consistent rough patch.

The story is my attempt at creating a "realistic" shipfic, since things rarely end up so perfectly as we want them in the real world. Both Applejack and Dash's personalities seemed like they would clash competitively in a long-term relationship.

The last sentence is a reference to Dash's denial throughout most of the fic, which is told in third-person limited from Dash's POV. The hope is that, coupled with the cover image here, the synopsis will tell a lot without saying specifics.
>> No. 122216
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122216
This thread. This thread right here is what we need more of. Shame it doesn't get bumped often enough.

I've thought over this synopsis for a good couple hours, but it still sounds dry and not interesting enough to me. Any suggestions will be appreciated.

Title: The Chiron Paradigm
Tags: [Sci-Fi][Dark][Crossover][Human]
Synopsis:
An alien ship crash-lands on Sweet Apple Acres after taking off from Equestrian territory. Inside are incomprehensible symbols, ancient artifacts and the body of a creature remembered only in myth. Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna and Lyra Heartstrings are drawn into a deadly web of secrets stretching back for millennia. They must choose between staying true to their loved ones and doing what they believe to be right, as the very foundations of their world are made obsolete. The Prodigal Sons are coming home. 
Crossover with Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri. Written for readers unfamiliar with the crossover universe.
>> No. 122408
>>122134

I understand what you’re trying to do here; it’s just not a tack I generally agree with.

Here’s what I get from the synopsis:
-Angst. Relationship angst, maybe? And somepony’s in denial.
From the tags:
-Shipping. So yeah, relationship angst.
From the title:
-Oh, I see, somepony’s angsting about not having children.
From the image:
-So it’s AppleDash, then.

The use of “you” when the story’s going to be written in standard third-person limited is odd. (Technically, this is a third person generic “you” rather than a second person, but whatevs, still odd.)

As for the rest, it really depends on what sort of reader you’re looking for. What I’m feeling right now is that your reader is looking for AppleDash specifically. You don’t name your characters, but with the help of FiMfic/EqD’s tagging system, that’s not too big a hurdle. There’s hints of angst but no [Sad] tag, so as a reader I’m expecting something slightly angsty that ends on a happy note. Time for some idle speculation on my part: AJ’s real big on family, Dash not so much, plus they’re both female, leads to tension in the so-called happy couple. AJ tries to talk about their problems, Dash doesn’t want to even admit there are problems, angst angst angst and then, with the power of friendship, they realize that a healthy relationship relies on communication and they start talking to each other. Maybe there’s some baby-makin’ magic in there somewhere, I dunno.

But my ultimate point here is that, while you hope the synopsis will tell a lot of broad info without getting too specific, my philosophy on synopses is that they should focus on the specifics. The synopsis here attracts an audience looking for general AppleDash. If that’s what you want, all well and good. If you want a more specific audience, you’re going to have to have a more specific synopsis.
>> No. 122409
>>122216

Thank you for your kind words. The last thread got enough posts to autosage, so that’s something. Regarding your synopsis:

-”An alien ship [...] taking off from Equestrian territory” sounds like a contradiction in the making. When did the ship first arrive on Equestria, and how long was it here? Depending on specifics, its launch might be as important as its crash—some ancient ruin coming back to life and disgorging a ship tells us quite a bit more than a “The space ship was coming from inside the house!
-There’s a slight shift in focus from ”Inside are etc.” to “Twilight Sparkle etc.” The ship and its mysteries, jump to the characters involved. Either smooth that over, or split it into two paragraphs (which would probably require more info on the ship).
-”Drawn into a deadly web of secrets stretching back for millennia” is very, very close to being a badly mixed metaphor. I would recommend rephrasing.
-I was initially confused by “choose between staying true to their loved ones and doing what they believe to be right, as etc.” You mean, I assume, that they have to choose between [staying true] and [doing what], but I first read it as them choosing between [staying true and doing what], or [as something], and then I got confused and went back and read it correctly. You might want to consider rephrasing this to avoid the slight garden path-iness—perhaps by hinting at how staying true to their loved ones will compromise their morals, or how doing the right thing will betray their loved ones.
-”As the very foundations of their world are made obsolete.” Sounds dramatic, but what does this mean?
-”Written for readers unfamiliar with the crossover universe” is potentially unnecessary; crossovers should be written so that readers unfamiliar with the other work are still able to understand them. Of course, “should be” doesn’t mean “are,” so you may include or remove this depending on your estimate of your audience.
>> No. 122410
>>122409
Damn, this bad? Great job finding all of that there, looks like I've got a lot of work ahead of me. I guess writing a good synopsis can take about as much time as writing an entire chapter.

Thanks for the review.
Writer Number 25
>> No. 122423
>>122408

I can see where you're coming from with your comments. It just feels kind of odd spelling things out, but I suppose it wouldn't be hard to just give more context to the first scene to open up the story instead of revealing the scheme of everything overall.

I assume you inferred all of that info before reading the spoiler-text (though I'm not sure if angst is used negatively here or not), which is a positive note.

I don't mean to sound like I want to garner attention, but "specific" sounds like "narrower" here, and that seems to leave the potential audience smaller. Would you mind expanding a bit on that?
>> No. 122427
>>122423
"Angst" here is more-or-less a value-neutral term. Used judiciously, when a character's anxieties are believable, angst creates necessary drama and tension. Used excessively or as a replacement for action, angst can ruin a story.

(I want to clarify that the proper amount of angst varies depending not only on the problem, but also on the character in question. Large problems get more attention, and anxious characters are expected to be react accordingly.)

As for the audience thing, that's more a matter of taste. I'll refer again to Vonnegut's perfect reader: do you want your synopsis to grab many people but maybe miss that ideal reader, or do you want the synopsis to hook you the perfect reader 100%, but maybe not attract as large a crowd? Your position on that sliding scale is a personal choice.
>> No. 122428
>>122427
Everyone does know where those rules come from, and how he was specifically talking about how short stories didn't have time to waste, so they were better off following he so called creative writing 101, while ending the list by saying how good authors actually broke all of those?
>> No. 122446
>>122428
I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say, or why you put it all in a single sentence, or why there's a question mark on the end, but I'll try to answer?

Kurt Vonnegut's rules were originally intended for short stories, yes, but there's nothing in them I can see which applies only to that form. And yes, he did in fact say that great authors routinely break all of his rules (except the first: "Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted"). Which is why I said that it's a matter of choice, whether one wants to go for breadth or depth when searching for an audience.

Also, do keep in mind that different people will have different opinions on what makes a good synopsis. I've done, I believe, the plurality of the reviews in this thread's predecessor, and the advice in the OP is what rings true for me personally. Others might give different advice.
>> No. 122465
>>122427

Good to hear not everyone uses angst with a purely negative connotation. I think I'll try thinking up a few different synopses and then come back here if I need some more feedback. Thanks.
>> No. 122803
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122803
Bump, because this is a good thread and could do with some business. Also, I seemed to have missed one from the old thread. Lessee...

>>121967
>The royal scribe is a position handpicked by the Princesses. The pony picked would be respected for the skills needed to obtain it, or at least that's what Ghostwriter thought. He was only half right. While the position is respected, the pony holding it is an outcast.
This part I do not care much for, because it's better off as exposition revealed in the story. I don't want to know about the position in such detail, I just need to know enough for the character "Ghost" to see how he is relevant to the story.

>After Ghost nearly throws his life away to stop the theft of the Rune Guide, Celestia decides he needs a friend or two. She sends him to Ponyville under the guise of interviewing the mane six. Now on top of secretly retrieving the Rune Guide, Ghost has to deal with a town that's not as quaint as it seems.
This is what your hook would be, so that part is okay, except for a couple of things.

The Rune Guide sounds important but isn't really, because we don't know what its importance is. Some brief details on its relevance is needed.

Also, there's the problem of this being an OC-goes-to-Ponyville-to-make-friends story, which, by virtue of being an avenue chock-full of bad, will get a predictable amount of nonchalance. But if that really is the basis of your story, then there's not much you can do about it. If the focus of your story is instead on finding the Rune Guide, then I suppose you should scrap the friends-making angle altogether and build it into a mystery/adventure/whatever it is that quest-driven stories are, and build your synopsis hook around that.
>> No. 123372
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123372
Title: Magic Books, Runes, and a Little Hope.

Synopsis: The Rune Guide, a book containing great power to those who can utilize it. It is both Ghostwriter's greatest discovery and biggest responsibility. But now it is in the wrong hooves. While Ghostwriter is working on retrieving it, Celestia sends him to Ponyville. By pure luck, the Rune Guide is headed straight for him. Now he must get the Rune Guide back and also deal with the not so quaint village.
>> No. 123446
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123446
>>123372
>The Rune Guide, a book containing great power to those who can utilize it.
A sentence fragment! Consider fixing this. I am somewhat intrigued by the book's title.
>It is both Ghostwriter's greatest discovery and biggest responsibility. But now it is in the wrong hooves.
The book is important, and it was in his hooves, and now it is not.
>While Ghostwriter is working on retrieving it, Celestia sends him to Ponyville. By pure luck, the Rune Guide is headed straight for him.
She sends him to Ponyville for an unspecified reason, and the book is travelling towards him of its own accord? I admit this confuses me a bit.
>Now he must get the Rune Guide back
But it was heading towards him. Am I missing something?
>and also deal with the not so quaint village.
Is Ponyville holding a dark secret in this tale?

I hope this helped!
>> No. 123487
>>123446
Addressing some of the concerns:

The Rune Guide, a book containing great power to those who can utilize it. It is both Ghostwriter's greatest discovery and biggest responsibility. But now it is in the wrong hooves. While Ghostwriter is working on retrieving it, Celestia sends him to Ponyville and by pure luck, he has a chance to get it back. Now he must get the Rune Guide back and also deal with Ponyville antics.
>> No. 123507
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123507
>>123487
Much better.
>> No. 123509
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123509
Title: Awakening
Tags: [SciFi] [Sad] [Adventure]
Synopsis:
After being marooned on an icy world in unexplored space, Lumina must now face the perils of this frozen wasteland, and the greatest obstacle of them all: herself. But in this dark place, she discovers something that was lost to pony kind since Equestria sank into the ocean, over 10,000 years ago. Something that will change her life forever, and maybe all of pony kind.
Not a cross over.
>> No. 123519
>>123507
Thank you for the help.
>> No. 123523
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123523
>>123519
Anytime.

>>123509
>After being marooned on an icy world in unexplored space, Lumina must now face the perils of this frozen wasteland,
So far so good. I was hesitant about the implied space travel thing, but the SciFi tag smooths that one out.
>and the greatest obstacle of them all: herself.
A bit cliche.
>But in this dark place, she discovers something that was lost to pony kind since Equestria sank into the ocean, over 10,000 years ago.
Is she on frozen Ponyworld? Or is she on a distant ice world? Did the thing lost to ponykind end up on ice world somehow? I do like the idea of Equestria being such ancient history that it's sunk into the sea.
>Something that will change her life forever, and maybe all of pony kind.
More familiar words.

Your synopsis has phrases I've heard in film trailers and comics many times before, but your concept is interesting and I'd definitely give your story a look if I scrolled to it on fimfiction.

Good luck with your writing!
>> No. 123526
>>123523
After being marooned on an icy world in unexplored space, Lumina must now face the perils of this frozen wasteland, and search for some way home. But in this dark place, she discovers something that was lost to pony kind ever since the fabled Equestria sank into the ocean, over 10,000 years ago. Something that will change her life forever, and maybe the entire galaxy.
Not a cross over

Thank you!
Better? Still too cliche? I left the last sentence pretty much as is, thinking one epic line might help punctuate it. Does it need any more or less?
>> No. 123528
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123528
>>123526
Better!

>Lumina must now face the perils of this frozen wasteland, and search for some way home.
>Equestria sank into the ocean, over 10,000 years ago
The commas aren't necessary in these examples, except for the one in "10,000", of course.

I think the last line would flow better if it were written like this, maybe?
>Something that will change her life, and the galaxy, forever.
>> No. 123582
>>123528
Changed! and I think it's pretty solid now. TY for the help!
>> No. 124197
Title: Behind The Squeals And Quivers
Tags: [Slice-of-Life][Sad]
Synopsis: "I thought petty was what you're all about Rarity with your petty concerns about fashion." No matter how she looked at it Fluttershy said those words. When she tried to apologize later that week Rarity told her not to worry about it, and for a time she didn't.

Months later these words still haunted her. They were far from her only regret but they were today's regret. Rarity on the other hoof, wanted to ignore the whole incident
>> No. 124207
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124207
>>124197
I am intrigued by your premise, but it's dampened a bit by your disuse of commas. Here is the whole thing, but with commas and other thingies inserted:

>"I thought 'petty' was what you're all about, Rarity, with your petty concerns about fashion." No matter how she looked at it, Fluttershy had said those words. When she tried to apologize later that week, Rarity told her not to worry about it—and for a time, she didn't.

>Months later, these words still haunted her. [Is 'her' here Fluttershy or Rarity? I think it would be smoother to clarify which in this sentence.] They were far from her only regret, but they were today's regret. Rarity, on the other hoof, wanted to ignore the whole incident.

That's about the only thing wrong I can see. Good luck!
>> No. 124226
>>124207
Thanks for the help. I read over it a couple of times, and after reading your version, I understand why the commas you inserted are there, so I don't know what went wrong. -_( The she is Fluttershy btw. I'll write that explicitly in the revised synopsis.
>> No. 124227
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124227
>>124207
Just want to say thanks for helping out, keep up the good work! =)
>> No. 124283
Haven't we met before, friend? In fact, I have. Well, I'm here for a review of my summary for the story (character review) from your other thread.
Anyways, this story is sort of a comedy, all in all, so the description is kinda in that style. I disdain it, but am unable to make anything better. Perhaps you could help me, mate?

Here goes:

Jericho, a wisecracking and sarcastic lunatic from Prussia, finds himself forced into the company of the Elements of Harmony and Princess Luna. Now dragged into an ancient conflict between the Prince of Darkness and Kane because he can translate, will any amount of wit and snark save him from daemons, the Mane Six, Princess Luna, the letter C, this evil author, the fact that he's not the main character, or himself? The answer is no. Good God, no.

-End-
Thank you, again.
>> No. 124327
>>124283
Prussia? As in our Prussia? Is this a HiE story? I'm already very confused. Is there any reason for the character to be from Prussia? Because explaining it in a synopsis would likely bog it down, but doing otherwise may confuse the reader.

Kane? Who is Kane?

The second sentence is far too long. Also while it is more acceptable in comedy than other genres perhaps, I wouldn't advice mentioning the author in the synopsis. Unless it's a meta-- on second thought no never.

Use of rhetorical questions in a synopsis is not advised. And answering a rhetorical question is never advised. There is no point in asking a question if you are just going to answer it.

That said you do accomplish the most important goal of a synopsis and that is give the reader a feel for what the fic will be like. I feel like I have a pretty good idea what sort of wacky hi-jinkes were talking about here.

The problem I have is I feel like every funny fic is about an alleged sarcastic character and that is supposed to make it funny, but from this synopsis I have no idea if you can pull it off and thus have no idea if I should read or not. In my mind nothing makes it stand out.

Anyway, take everything I just said with a grain of salt as this is my first time reviewing a synopsis.
>> No. 124338
>>124327
Thank ye most kindly. Like I said, I feel as though my weakest thing ever is writing synopses (is that even the plural of the word ?).

Just a note. "Prussia" is just how the translation of the ancient tribal Baltic name Pruſzen and German Preußen panned out as, since *blah blah blah historical stuff*. The story does lampshade that connection, though.

And a question, even if it is a dumb one for me to ask:
While I do agree that rhetorical questions are kinda silly, doesn't answering it in the very next line sort of void that problem? And since the answering of it was purely for comic effect, does not that also negate the pointlessness of rhetorical questions? (Again, only because it was used for comic effect, trying to show that this is generally going to at least *try* to be funny. Had I been deathly serious, I could see the silliness more readily. But since it was like that on purpose, well...)

Apologies if my above question was ruthlessly stupid... (When I redo my summary, can you possibly review that one, too?)
>> No. 124380
>>124338
I'll admit my reaction to rhetorical questions is somewhat instinctual by this point except for when it isn't. Further if their was a use for them and for answering them this would be it.

This is a case where I think it is far more a matter of taste. I would argue simply that it isn't that funny but um.... if someone else would like to chip in here and either back me up and call me an idiot that would be great. Seriously, their has to be some wise sage just passing through dieing to give wisdom I don't have. Any takers? Please?
>> No. 126692
Hello everypony.
I'm not sure if this is the right place to do this, but I need some help on a story I'm doing and running into a few problems in dealing with the mane six in a few of the situations brought up. Hopefully, getting some heads around the idea will get something going.

Title: Mind of Matter - Winds of change.
Tags: [Dark], [Alternative Universe], [Human]
Synopsis:
A year ago, there was a creature in Equestria that had brought about some strange...changes...to the calm and peaceful land of Equestria.
Upon arriving, he had profusely kept himself away from them, remaining within the everfree.
Had the bubbly excitment of Pinkie's 'pinky sense', he may have never been found.
He...was a rather interesting creature; he could work long hours during the day but also could do the same at night while sleeping in the day.
This of course interest a certain...princess...to investigate him.
Upon arrival when she went to see him, he had presented himself kindly and, if not some way jokingly, in pleasing her, and gaining the sudden interest of the Lunar princess.

Of course, it's always the sister that finds out about such little things.

This creature was a human.
He had come, and because of him, drove himself into the thick of a conflict among the royalty.

Last edited at Sat, Feb 16th, 2013 21:43

>> No. 126762
I'd also like a review for my synopsis, if that's not too much trouble.

Story: Tia's Tacos

Synopsis:
You all know what happened on that fateful Summer Solstice a few years back, the dramatic tale of our favorite sextet of friends fighting an evil force trying to bring about eternal night and the loving reunion of sisters long parted. That tale is common knowledge. What you don't know is why. I mean, sure. You've got an ambiguous legend involving harmonic elements and a thousand year banishment to the moon, but who actually believes that? The truth is much more mundane. Celestia didn't banish her sister because of a spat over when the moon should be in the sky. That's far too dramatic. The truth is much simpler. It was over a taco stand.
>> No. 126799
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126799
Mornin'/Evenin'/Afternoon/Whatever, gents. I haven't been here for a while, a year by my half-assed guess, but since I was dropping in a new fic I thought another visit would be a good thing to do since I kind of suck in synopses. Anyway, here we are:

Title: A New World, A New Threat (unless anyone cold suggest a better title)
Tags: [Alternate universe] [Human] [Adventure]

Synopses:
A great cataclysmic event is upon Equestria. Soon, all of the planet will be consumed in fire and death. Ponykind's only hope is to send Celestia's dearest student and her friends to an entirely new world and use the Elements of harmony to establish a link and help Equestria escape. But even with a formidable Royal Guard escort and the power of the Elements of Harmony, the chances of success are slim to none. But even the slimmest chance of survival is always preferable to certain death.

On Earth, Lance Corporal David Beckett of the USMC, a devoted husband and expectant father just wants to survive his tour of duty in the Israeli/Syrian War and get home. Unfortunately, it won't be that simple.

Short Description:
Before Equestria is destroyed, Celestia sends the Elements of Harmony on a quest to find a suitable planet, and open a portal to teleport the nation though. Problem is, it's already inhabitated, and the natives are very restless.

Thanks for any help.
>> No. 126821
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126821
I think this is okay... but I don't have a great record as far as judging my own work goes, so here it is.

Utopia: The Prometheus Saga [Adventure][Dark][HiE][Sci-Fi][AU?]

A speck in Luna’s telescope; Prometheus arrives silently above Equestria, carrying within itself mankind’s ambassadors to the stars. But these ambassadors are far from perfect. Fugitives, test subjects, impostors, and madmen; all have their representatives, and a tangled web of ancient conspiracies lives on within the vessel’s empty halls.

Some ponies would greet these visitors with open hooves, others with fear and suspicion. Some merely want them to go home. But chance and magic are fickle things, and for better or worse, there can be no escape from the “gift” of Prometheus’ fire.

Notes:

Story is set just after Magical Myster Cure (it wasn't at first, but alas... canon marches on). This means alicorn Twilight and reformed Discord are present and active participants in events.

I felt there were too many important characters to bring up specific names.

I felt that the vagueness with the "Fugitives... madmen" part was justified, in that the reader won't know the true identities of many of the human characters (the ones to which the synopsis refers) until they're exposed within the story. There is a mystery element that I wanted to preserve.


Rip to shreds please. Repairs are good.

Last edited at Sun, Feb 24th, 2013 15:17

>> No. 127345
Name: Flawed Perfection

Tags: [Slice of life]

Synopsis:

Mary Sue is perfect in every way. She can beat Twilight Sparkle at magic, can fly faster than Rainbow Dash, can talk to animals better then Fluttershy, can throw better parties then Pinkie Pie, and can buck apples better then Applejack. She is also an Alicorn, but of course she is; she’s perfect after all.

Well, almost. Every character has to undergo some kind of rite of passage, and for Mary it’s getting rid of the parasite that dwells in her mind: her imperfect alter ego. Every day Mary grows stronger, while her alter ego weaker. It is only a matter of time, and then she will be perfect.

Eusy Ram is trapped. Her body is perfect in every way, and people are beginning to grow tired of her. She has learned everything there is to know, and now even her body wants to get rid of her. Eusy doesn’t want perfection; in fact she would rather be powerless.

At least then maybe she could finally feel happy.

Last edited at Tue, Apr 16th, 2013 01:06

>> No. 127347
Title: The Wizard of Equestria or "Whatever happened to them Wendigos?"
Tags:#Human; #Romance; #Action, #Drama

Synopsis: What started out as a birthday trip from his Mentor Starswirl, an odd stranger that taught him Magic and Alchemy, quickly goes awry when Human Gabriel Walker awakens to find himself not in the promised Unicorn Kingdom but within the Everfree Forest with no clue about his Mentor's whereabouts.
A chance encounter with Twilight Sparkle leads to a shocking discovery: Starswirl has not only been a Unicorn Pony all along, but also missing for millenia, obviously long dead. Now Gabriel must follow clues left behind by Starswirl to discover his way home as well as try to stop the resurgence of an ancient Power that threatened to doom Ponykind once before, when the dreaded Wendigos return in a new form.
But personal problems threaten his quest as possible romance leads to ill feelings between friends which not only weakens the Elements of Harmony but strengthens the enemy as well. His new life in Equestria also shows him what he's been missing, leading to self-discovery, and he begins to question his desire to return home to a family that neither wants nor cares for him.

Third Person limited, considering in medias res opening ("I hate dark Forests at night")
Too cliche? Been done too often?

PS. I hope I'm posting this right
>> No. 127748
Tags:[Adventure][Bittersweet][Unpredictable]

Synopsis: You are a burger-flipper at McDonald's (recently promoted to Assistant Manager); you work double and triple shifts, heartily and with a smile, to support yourself and your old mother, dreaming to make it big in McDondald's by climbing the echelons one by one. You and your coworkers don't have it easy, but you have faith in the Dream. To recharge your fill of kindness and fuzzy feels, you read pony fiction in the commute, and browse the Internet for pony, late at night. One such night, you sleepily stumble on one absurd suggestion: press Alt + Ctrl + E to go to Equestria.
What follows iurns out to be a recurrent dream, where each iteration branches slightly differently, and the strange rules of dream logic are law. The you that is dreamt searches for the Orb of Time to rescue Equestria from a great peril, while the you that dreams chases, night after night, for that seemingly unreachable happy ending before the inevitable awakening, where all will be forgotten.

A recursive fanfic to "Choose Your Own Adventure: Brony Hero of Equestria", with some ideas stolen from the "Overlord Hard At Work" YA novels, and with Neil Gaiman's the Sandman as a very distant setting. The reader need not be familiar with either work, at all.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zacQQ0lg_90zGAtbCukSM5Vp38YmLDW0fIDqvd_kd10/edit?usp=sharing

Last edited at Sat, Jun 8th, 2013 09:06

>> No. 127786
>>127748
I give you props for not being vague or mysterious, yet somehow I still don't feel like I know what your fic is really about. The whole McDonalds bit just feels like way too much unnecessary background for a synopses. I'm not saying that it's too long per se, just that it takes far too long to get to the point, and in a synopsis getting to the point quickly is crucial.

Then after the unnecessary background information I get lost. What is this time orb, and what does it do? Does time reset for his Equestrian self every time he wakes up?
>> No. 127787
>>127347
Personally I think the question of being too cliche or not has a lot to do with the execution.

Honestly, I feel like you have a pretty good synopsis here. It introduces us to your main character as his struggle. The only issue I see is it gets a bit vague toward the end, by using terms like "personal problems," which feels particularly odd since this synopsis had been so specific up until that point.

Oh and sorry for commenting so late. I'm not exactly a regular; which means take everything I say with a grain of salt.
>> No. 127788
>>127345
Your synopsis gives me a good idea of what your fic is about which is exactly what a synopsis should do, however I am not enticed to read it at all. Honestly though that has far more to do with your premise than your synopsis. Making a Mary Sue an interesting character is an interesting challenge, but one that I have never seen work out well. I wouldn't recommend it.

Anyway back to your synopsis. Honestly I'd say it does a great job except for that cliche last sentence. Remove that and you should be good to go.
>> No. 127802
Title: Escapades of an Smut Peddler
Tags: Romance, Slice of Life
Synopses:
An interlude in a newly appointed Canterlot scribe's life from when he's being held hostage in a power-play among the Noble Houses. A candidate who is the perfect pawn even though a bastard child. But with their bickering, Flick I. Swish finds his life on pause for the most part.

Despite the assassination attempts and threats made against him to force his father to change his Will... Flick finds the time to write about love. Usually called smut by his editors and nightmarish to his critics. Only his Head scribe seems supportive but she's blackmailing him to con stallions looking for love.

While trying to find someone like his mother to romance, it turns out he's more like her than he realized. He tends to bring out the 'something' in everyone he meets.
>> No. 128284
>>122134
I couldn't find Dash's denial but I loved No Foals
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