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124723 No. 124723
#Reviewer #Discussion #His Dudeness #Say Hello

Or wo-man, I guess, if you prefer.

Anyway, I've got some, you know, free time between league practice, so I figure I'd make a place for people to come by, introduce themselves, get their stories read, ask for writing advice, whatever.

I can't promise anyone other than The Dude will read what's posted here, but I'll tell you what I think of it. I, uh, also haven't exactly watched this show, so I might be a bit out of the loop for character names, or whatever, but you know... maybe an outside opinion's better, sometimes.


So, stop in, say hi, ask a question, leave a link, whatever. Or don't, that's your choice.

Just uh... no job offers, please. I'm still reeling from a few years ago, the last time someone tried to give me a job.
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>> No. 124743
I'd say that we already have quite a few review threads but this one does seem to have a different vibe too it. Maybe here there will be less spitting on people's work (which Isn't necessarily a bad thing) and more, "Hey man, your characters are a little bland."

But I digress. What puzzles me is why someone want to read fanfiction for a show they don't even watch? You definitely have potential for perspective and insight due to be outside the fandom, but why are you willing to do this?
>> No. 124748
Because, you know. Why not, man?
>> No. 124751
Because he wants to use his skills and experience to help budding writers improve and maybe, just maybe, write work that isn't pony-related.
Look at the Samurai, probably one of the mosy highly-regarded reviewers, for instance. Since he isn't invested in MLP, his reviews are far more objective.
>> No. 124753
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Might as well be the sacrificial lamb first one in, I suppose. Help to break the thread in, y'know?


I plan on revising this in December a year after I wrote it, and any critique would be welcome.

EDIT: If a google docs page would be preferable, I can dig up the one I used before submitting it to FIMFiction.
>> No. 124757
Two quick things before reading: one, what happened to your image? Two, how come there's a weird enter after the word "scatterbrained" in the synopsis? Three, >>124753 kind of looks like a turkey.

But hey, man. No worries.

The first paragraph kind of blew my mind, and I had to read it a few times. Like, she's watching, but there's no time to be watching, then she's in the air... maybe there's like, you know, a better order to start out on little details like character placement and scenery? Or something?

How's a "mild illness" going to put anyone in bed? Or are these guys slackers?

They're all named after apples?

Free pie, I can dig it. Unless that's like, cannibalism for these dudes. Then that's wrong.

"Only flames?" Snot's gross, but fire's... fire, man.

Wouldn't hail like... break the clock?

Who's Carrot? These horses keep eating things they're named after.

Wait, how come Ditsy can't fly ABOVE the clouds?

That story kind of just... cuts away.

About 2/3 through your story, after the "meeting" story cuts away, you've got a typo: [ sky. " It ] The space before "It"

"In hindsight, having it sent out a day late wouldn't have been so bad." Yeah, you think, you little fascist... jesus.

Hmm... there's a metaphor here: antique clock... hour to Canterlot... has to be sent right the fuck now... I think this is beyond The Dude, however.

Anyway, that was a fun little hodgepodge of terrible decisions. The ending wasn't really hard-hitting, but at least but at least everyone learned not to send packages off in a snowstorm.

Speaking of, how long was the snowstorm supposed to last? If it takes an hour to deliver a package "as the crow flies" (why wouldn't you go with "pegasus" or "horse," even, if you wanted a pun?), why not wait until the storm clears? Some pony might die, man.

Also, this Ditsy is kind of like... negligent... with her talking muffin friend. I mean, bringing a muffin a pie to eat is kind of fucked up in its own right, but then she just abandons her, twice (once at the start of the story, once during the "trip").

Also, Carrot/Golden Harvest (took The Dude a while, to be honest)... is completely unnecessary for the journey. The Dude's impression of how that exchange should've gone:
"We need some of your sweaters because the hail makes it hard to fly."
"Okay, man, let's all three of us walk to Canterlot."
"What the fuck, Carrot, that's not what we asked. Some pony might die."

^Heh, that spells out "WOW."

But yeah. I still don't see why Carrot/Golden Harvest (took The Dude a while, to be honest) comes along with them. I can at least appreciate making the fire-immune fascist dude go, but then, why'd she ask Ditsy to go in the first place? Let everyone stay with their food buddies, I guess, is what I'm saying.

That was The Dude's biggest problem with this: no one took like a minute to chill, and think about what they're doing. Like, a little impulsiveness is one thing, but I think there was like a little too much impulsiveness here. It led to some neat little interactions and stuff, but I mean, they could've had those at like a bar or something (or bowling. Do these horses bowl?).
>> No. 124759
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Oh, these ponies bowl alright.
>> No. 124760
Heh. That one kind of looks like a kiddie diddler we faced off with one time.
>> No. 124762
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Oh, really?
>> No. 124763
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>> No. 124764
I've never seen that movie, which is doubly inexcusable since I once interned with a semi pro bowler.
>> No. 124765
What movie?

But don't worry too much, man. Not a lot's "inexcusable." Pissing on a rug, maybe, but there's tons of movies.
>> No. 124766
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Yeah, there's a lot of little and big problems with it. I'll be keeping all of this in mind when I revise it.

Thank you, The Dude.
>> No. 124770
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Well this place seems more lax than the rest of ponyfic.

Yo! Name's Figments, as you can probably tell.

Funny thing: even though I have watched the show, I don't really try to write for the show.

Mainly because one day, I might just want to write a book or two. Maybe.

In any case, welcome, and here's an unfinished work by yours truly that I would love your opinion on.

[Title]Haven't decided yet
[Tags]Dark, Adventure, Alternate Timeline
[Synopsis] Don't have one yet, either

[Link] http://sdrv.ms/OG0TKz

Well, that's it.

Appreciate the help, man. Just need to know if characterizations off. Don't worry. None of the characters in this story are part of the show.
>> No. 124789
>weird enter after the word "scatterbrained" in the synopsis
That's the fault of the dudes who program the website.

How'd that match with the creep go, Dude? That was, like, in the semis of a tournament, I think I heard.
>> No. 124807
Watch out for pronoun ambiguity, man.

Heh, horses swear? Far out...

Man, this is... dark.


Okay, what's a "protus?"

Fuck, man. Like, why do you got to say "fuck" so much?

"who bore the mark of scorn on her face." Like, uh... what?

Anyway, this was pretty gloomy, but that's what you were going for. The only thing, plot-wise, that stood out, was, like... aren't the "normal ponies" like slaves or something? How come they've got ones running "free" in New Ponyville (which is apparently kind of a shithole).

The only other thing that really bugged me about this was the writing. You, like, narrate passively and indirectly sometimes, to no real, uh, gain. In this story, stuff had happened or was happening, instead of just... happened.

The dialogue also sounded a bit fake in some places, too formal.

Other than that... good prologue, man. Stuff's about to hit the fan, or something, with the superhero guy in the haunted house.
>> No. 124808
Oh, it went.
>> No. 124837
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Yo, Dude, glad to have you here. I guess I’ll take this opportunity of fresh reviewers to get my tripe read.

Here’s When Tomorrow Never Comes, a shipping story about Doctor Whooves by a writer who hates shipping and hadn’t watched a single second of Doctor Who when he wrote it.


This is also in Rocktavia's thread >>124838
>> No. 124839

This one's like... a little too hard for The Dude. Like, it starts with a house, cool. Then an abusive parent (the same one that hates muffins from Dragomena, heh)... then, like... post-apocalyptic caves, and dragons... someone dies...

I dunno, man. Like, I tried to read it, but you're going for some sort of artistic "Vagina" type deal that I don't really "get."
>> No. 126619
Tales of Hope.

Tags: Slightly Sad. Hope. Mystery.

Word Count: 2506

Aim: EqD if possible.

Document: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mD8psTL2IiIf-bO3Voc6rBozUF060FmV5TwwPaPqtsg/edit
>> No. 126627
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>> No. 126628
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>> No. 126630

... Is that good or bad?
>> No. 126631
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How... do you guys find these threads?

Last edited at Wed, Feb 13th, 2013 18:51

>> No. 126636
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All right, it's a My Little Pony story about... terminal illness. Man, kids shows are kinda fucked up sometimes.

"Twilight’s family followed her however. Her big brother, Prince Shining Armour. Her mother, Twilight Velvet and even her father." <-- Like, was something stopping her dad? Also, you're missing a comma before "however." And everything here after the first thing's like a sentence fragment.

Huh. This story's got a Deus Ex Machina on like page 4.

“This mysterious stallion does come across as generous and kind.” Rarity agreed. <-- That's not how dialogue works, I'm pretty sure.

Okay, man, this... what? Like, was that the end, or just the first chapter?

Either way, this story needs a lot more... a lot of stuff.

Like, first up, the "beep beep beep" thing in the intro, that lasts for a page? I think you're going too hard on the showing aspect people are supposed to do and stuff, because... well, it doesn't make it clear what's happening. I mean, I don't know if ponies have dump trucks or whatever, but it could've been that, for all I know.

After that... you establish that Spike's dying. Cool (well, not really), but... man, the dragons are kind of dicks, I guess. That's not really something wrong, but what I would say is wrong is how... you dwell on it for like a page, then, boom, some guy shows up with the cure.

I mean, my main problem with this is, at its core, it's not a story, it's telling about how Storm Blade is like the My Little Pony equivalent of Batman mixed with Santa. Which, I guess that's as interesting as anything, but... I dunno. I don't really feel like it's really that important that he's going around "spreading hope."

Definitely, you should fixate this story on Storm Blade, not Spike / Twilight Sparkle. I mean, if someone's dying, but that feels like it's not the important part of a story because you start talking about the real important part at the very end, then there's a bit of a problem, I think.

So maybe like start off when he first learns about his superpower, then have him come to terms with it, and have what you've got in this chapter be the climax that comes at a high personal cost to him? That'd maybe make a better story.

The writing style on this also needs a bit of work. You've got stuff like sentence fragments and other narrative hang-ups that make this... not really shining from a technical perspective.
>> No. 126638
I don't mark a thread on the list in the sticky as inactive until the reviewer hasn't responded in a week. Or at least I try to.
>> No. 126647

List of Review Thread Google Document.
>> No. 126648

Yeah... not my most well planned out story. Winged the entire thing just about.

On the technical side of things... your completely and utterly right. Which is why I'm going to have an editor look over it.

Cuz right now, I'm focusing on the concept and content of the story... in hindsight, I should of said that.

Anyway, your idea for a story is pretty cool, and that could be a sequel... but... this story is meant to be like the ones at www.givemehope.com...

Again, probably should of mentioned that. Does that change your advice, now you know my intent?

Through, I understand what you mean about my story needing more stuff.
>> No. 126837

Hey guys (and The Dude), what's shakin? I'm an aspiring writer writing his first fic ever. It's a pretty big deal for me, because I never come up with interesting concepts, yet here I am with one I'm quite proud of.

To start off, my story is called Modulation. It can be found here [http://www.fimfiction.net/story/37772/modulation]. It is an Dark/Adventure/Slice-Of-Life. You may be thinking the last two conflict with each other, but it makes sense, trust me. I'm currently 3 chapters in, and have received a surprising (to me) amount of views since I've started. To sum it up without spoiling anything, it's about personal struggles of the main characters while they have varying degrees of a reality check.

I'll warn you, I'm using the dreaded "Twilight botches a spell" trope. HOWEVER, I've only used it out of need. I guess one could say it's the easy way out, but I really needed Twilight to be the catalyst in this little adventure. I even provided a reason why the spell messed up, and not just saying it randomly went ka-blewy.

If I haven't lost you by now... good! I appreciate you. I have a list of issues I'm having, but due to the lackadaisical nature of the main post here, I simply ask that you read it, and tell me did you like the story aspect of it or not. It was stated elsewhere that I shouldn't multipost to multiple places without sharing, so I'll go ahead and mention that I plan on posting to two other threads, the characterization thread and the training grounds thread. HOWEVER, I don't plan on doing that till probably after the completion of chapter 5, so I think I won't be stepping on any toes.

Anyways, thank you very much for reading my post and reading my story, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
>> No. 126850

I'm always confused about why people start their first fanfic as an epic saga.
>> No. 126854
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I day dream a lot...
>> No. 127075

So. here are the first 500 words or so of my Fallout: Equestria Fanfiction.

The wasteland can break you. Turn you into a monster. Take away what made you a pony. Many have already fallen. Raiders are a perfect example of those that turn to cruelty because they have nothing else. Some have gotten off much better, such as LilPip and her band of do gooders. This is a tale about one of the unfortunate. And how a friend can help you see the bright side.

Chapter 1: Fall

I love this gun. It really is a great gun.

I watched as the raider fell to the ground, a scorched pocket in his head where the electricity hit him. What remained of her mane stood on end and smoked. It was very funny.

From what he could see, there were only two Disciples left. One fuming mad for me killing their ally, the other putting a magazine into his RAD Gun. The gun looked like every other gun in the wasteland. Utter crap. Last two. I turned the power setting on my gun to Bolt. Oh, look. They're charging me. One even started firing at me. The bullets failed to penetrate the armored radiation barding. Their fast firing guns. The bullets left small, slightly glowing indentations in the suit. Damn radiation bullets.

The discharger of the gun flared. A supercompressed cylinder of energy flew halfway across the courtyard and sailed gracefully into the raiders skull.

Mmm, crispy.

The other continued her charge, swinging her RAD Sword and yelling out religious crap about who knows what. She reached me around the same time her head dissolved due to the amazing power of lightning.

With the last raider down, the courtyard grew eerily quiet. Now, Scavenging. Later, zapping cultists. The complex had a small courtyard and a decent sized building in the center. The door had fallen open in the conflict, and the inside looked like a...well...it didn't look like anything. It looked like nothing. Being the smart pony I am, I activated my light spell and stepped inside the dark, unknown, and dangerous enemy building.

Smart indeed.

Inside, a few light flickers from dim panels. On the opposite side of the room, the door to an office. On either sides are the sleeping quarters and armory. And I know all of this due to the convenient labeling above each door. That was kind if them, the cultist freaks. I walked straight towards the armory. Somepony had been kind enough to leave the door open. Inside, a room filled with the Disciples trademarked RAD weapons. Guns, swords, and rocket launchers. Carefully, i magically lift whatever I can and place it in a sack hanging from my horn. Heavy, but manageable.

This was too easy. Get in, Steal Weapons, Get out, Sell to towns at inflated prices. Not even much resistance. I had caught them during their morning prayers, but there should have been more of them.The thought was very troubling. Even more so when I saw the large group of disciples waiting at the gated entrance to the compound.

Oh hay.

They spotted me, the leader, a massive pony magically wielding a broadsword, shouted out "Send him to the Bale!" And with that command, the sword wielding loons charged, some bombarding me with religion and such. The gunners stayed back, waiting to open fire as soon as the group dispersed.

So. What do you guys think?
>> No. 127253
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keep em rolling El Duderino! this is obviously the best review thread out there, if only because it has you in it.(for the record, i am NOT into the whole brevity thing)
>> No. 127332
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My story is 'A Spark to Light the Dark' and is the first in a trilogy that I'm working on. I wouldn't blame you for passing over it, just because of the size alone, but I'd like to think that you would actually enjoy it quite a bit if you gave it the old college try. I'll even post an excerpt from one of the later chapters:

"There was a deep rumbling like the sound of a stampede over hard packed dirt. It resonated in Star’s head, forcing itself into the core of her being and when it finally reached its crescendo there was a loud boom accompanied by flashes of light and rain. Star gazed up to the ceiling as she felt the first wet drop splash across her face. She wiped a hoof over the spot and it came back red, but she didn’t remember getting cut on anything. She laughed at the absurdity of her situation. As the lights went out she noticed the red fluid was glowing and there was more falling down from somewhere up above.

The music started up again as the last echoes of the rumbling died off, the pounding of drums increasing in intensity until it was the only sound that Star could hear. It even drowned out most of her thoughts as splatters of various florescent colors coated her body and lights began flashing madly creating a strobe effect that was both disorienting and exciting. As Star tore her gaze from the ceiling, she saw an intense spectacle; Suri, covered in the same glowing fluid and dancing wildly with a look of pure nirvana.

The tall, white mare spun and kicked in time with the frenzied drums, reminding Star of some sort of ceremonial Zebra dancer like she had seen pictured in a book. Suri slid across the floor and pirouetted on one hoof, a move that Star wouldn’t have thought possible for an intoxicated pony, as the rest of the dance floor sprang back to life around her in a thunderous roar of cheers. It seemed that everypony had been waiting for Suri to make her move on the dance floor and Star could see why. She glanced to her left, where Axel was staring intently at the unicorn, almost like she was hoping to absorb some of her beauty and talent through the eye contact."
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