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File 136018619932.png - (1.05MB , 801x997 , Flutterride.png )
126497 No. 126497
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361 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 127850
>>127848
Thank you so much, that was incredibly helpful. Now I should have at lot less grammatical errors, if I caught them all. I also saved that in a much safer place than a Word Document on a dead hard drive. Thanks again!
>> No. 127853
>>127820

If you could, enter your story into the spreadsheet for our (and your) tracking purposes, using the submission form. Link is at the top, under "For writers."

Last edited at Sun, Jun 23rd, 2013 10:21

>> No. 127854
>>127841
>>127734

It's pretty clear that you know what you are doing with writing, so I may not be able to offer a ton of advice.


As for content, yes, this is heavy stuff and it's not likely to end up on EqD. However, it's clear that you know what you're getting into and you've done your research, so I don't see any problems with it.


>About 50 yards
With small or simple numbers like this, it's often suggested to spell out the number, instead of using numerals and breaking the sentence flow.


>Here we go: 'pharmacy.'"
If he's reading it off the sign, wouldn't it be capitalised?


>"OH SHIT!
Caps for emphasis is generally frowned upon. Using appropriate strong language and the exclamation mark should be plenty.


You seem to be inconsistent with how you delineate internal thought. Sometimes you use just quotes, sometimes quotes with italics. I think the closest thing to standard is italics without quotes, but as long as you pick one and stick with it, you should be fine.


>he heard a cry from a female, "He's down
This isn't really an attribution; it's a separate sentence that describes the dialogue, so it probably shouldn't be connected with a comma.


>forgetting he was on the lamb. Rizzo may have forgotten, but the furry things outside had not.
This doesn't seem relevant to the moment. The reader isn't going to forget about the pursuers, and putting this in only distracts from the focus, which is him getting his fix.


I'm not a big fan of the author notes at the bottom. I can see that they are useful information and they are offset in a completely different box, but they break the immersion that you have created from the previous chapter, and prevent you from transferring the momentum to the next one. I get that they are set off from the story itself, but I do have to go through them to get to the next chapter, and skipping over them is also breaking immersion. It's probably too late for these, but these strike me as perfect for a first comment notes section, since if the reader is reading the comments, they aren't worried about immersion.


You do an excellent job of developing Blue Pipe in this chapter. Initially, we get a good idea of his "edginess" from his attitude about coming in, but we also get to see his responsible and soft sides later in the chapter.


>the leading medico
I read the note at the bottom and I admit to being completely uninformed about the subject, but is medico slang that people in the medical professions would use about themselves? From a complete outsider's perspective, it seems a little informal, and while Blue Pipe is definitely irreverent about his job, he clearly knows his stuff and knows exactly what to do when it comes down to it, so if it's derogatory slang in any way, I doubt he would use it on himself. However, I freely admit to having no clue, so I'm just asking.


>Since he woke up he has knocked out or injured 7 Royal Guards
First, there's the numeral. Next, as a plot point, why wouldn't they put Rizzo in restraints immediately after knocking him out? Before getting knocked unconscious, he'd attacked a staff member, heavily damaged hospital property, stolen medication, and attempted to overdose, any one of which would justify, if not mandate, restraining the patient. So why is there no evidence of this?

The simplest explanation seems to be that Rizzo broke through restraints designed for much smaller ponies. This wouldn't contradict the way Blue Pipe calms him down, so it may be one way to resolve this.


>backed away it lowered
>cupboard he found
Missing comma.


>spoke directly to the thing, "Now, can
>out a whisper, "please...
Similarly to other example above, spoke implies a description of the speech, not an attribution, so it shouldn't be connected with a comma.


>"Trackmarks?"
>Abdominal cramps, sweating, vomiting, and those trackmarks... he's an addict!
I'm not very knowledgeable about the slang and medical profession here, but if he recognised the marks enough to call them trackmarks, wouldn't he recognise them as self-injection and jump quickly to the addict explanation? If he was repeatedly getting IVs from a legitimate medical procedure, they would put in a port, right?

Also, there's the question of why he would recognise marks on bare skin right away, when he would be much more accustomed to looking at fur.


You drop capitalisations when starting new sentences of dialogue. Careful about that.


Also, watch out for relying on adverbs to describe the action. Often the adverbs are superfluous and if you need an adverb, that's often a sign that there is a better verb to use.


Another systemic thing is missing vocative commas, which are the commas that should offset names in dialogue that direct who the sentence is addressing, but aren't necessary for the sentence to be grammatically correct.


>He stopped again as he noticed the sudden change in Rizzo's eyes.
Your narrator loses some consistency here. The narrator's word choice suggests that you are using a third person limited from Rizzo's perspective, but this involves seeing into Blue Pipe's thoughts and motives.


The fight scene in general strikes me as off.


>"Yes, this is some um... 'morphine'
>your benz...er 'morphine,'
Wait, Blue Pipe is clever enough to immediately recognise that lying about the benzodiazepine is the least combative plan of action, but then this chief of just about every department makes a rookie mistake and forgets about this just a few moments later? He's also not clever enough to come up with any excuse when pressed?


Also, Rizzo seems to me like he can defeat the ponies too easily. I get that he is a lot bigger than they are used to and that he has all sorts of adrenalin at the time, but these are supposed to be royal guards and Rizzo's pretty clearly not keeping his body in top fighting shape. Maybe at the beginning they would underestimate him and hold back, but at this point they should be going all out and doing whatever they can to protect themselves. Plus, Rizzo is bleeding profusely from his wrists, suffering from immense withdrawal symptoms, and likely hasn't had any sort of sustenance in the past day or so, all of which would impair his fighting abilities. Also, while being in the military wouldn't be inconsistent with the story, there's no indication that he was in the military or otherwise had any hand-to-hand combat training. So why is he, in his impaired state, able to slough off several of the best-trained ponies in Equestria?

Next, why doesn't the guard that first responds have any backup? Just a few seconds before you show two guards leaving the scene, so it is most likely that the two of them would be together. I can see one arriving a few seconds later than the other one, so maybe Rizzo would have time to lock a door, but instead he has enough time to subdue the other guard pony long enough for the drug (that was in the previous chapter described as inducing more natural sleep, and therefore is implied to be not as strong as the previous tranquillisers) to knock him unconscious, then enough time to knock out Blue Pipe, rummage through the cabinets to find a bottle of bleach, break the seal on said bottle, fill up a syringe with the bleach, and finally, grab Blue Pipe again, all while experiencing shaky hands and stomach pains severe enough that he didn't notice cuts deep enough to require stitches in his arms. As for the backup, the attacked guard is very clearly unconscious after being stabbed in the face, so there is strong motivation to at least harass Rizzo long enough to get the wounded one out of the way to some urgently-needed medical attention. You mention the hall being cleared, although it's not clear whether that is the work of the fleeing nurses or one of the guards Plus there are still ponies in beds, so it's clear the guards weren't busy ferrying patients, but the nurses are already getting backup and it's already been established that it takes quite a few guards to subdue Rizzo when he goes postal, so there should be more than just the two within shouting range. So why aren't guards there trying to stop him before he takes hostages?

Finally, Rizzo's actions seem deliberate and precise, which is not what would be expected from someone who had shaky hands and debilitating stomach pains just a few paragraphs before. There's no fumbling or stumbling around when he's trying to do something. His fighting suggests controlled quick manoeuvres rather than erratic, spontaneous behaviour. Even his later actions, like the way he handles Blue Pipe. seem controlled and calculated rather than improvised and driven by adrenalin.


Again, I really don't like the author's note between the end of the narrative and the button to go on to the next chapter. It goes from the desperate scene for Rizzo to jokes.


>One appears to have mammaries under its clothing
Twilight can tell that they are mammaries, even though mammaries look completely different on ponies?


>h-h-here." he trailed off
This is either a mistake in dialogue punctuation or a capitalisation error. I'm not sure which you were intending, but something is definitely wrong here.


>Rizzos
Missing apostrophe. At least three times. Actually the entire italicised section of chapter four could use a pass for proofreading. There are a lot of errors in there that don't seem systemic.


>effectively crushing it like a child squeezing the middle of a juice box.
That's a really... innocent metaphor for the situation you're describing.


Wait, why exactly was Rizzo allowed to leave the scene of the accident before anyone knew what happened? Usually if there is an accident, especially one involving serious injury or fatalities, they'll corral everyone to get an idea about what happened, what needs to be done, and to make sure everyone is safe.

And why wouldn't Abigail be notified about an accident of that magnitude occurring? Or at least sent some type of warning about something happening? Logan is using a Nintendo DS, which sets this happening less than ten years ago, so Abigail would almost certainly have cell phone.


As always, the copy-paste disclaimer.

I tried to keep this review brief as opposed to what I normally do, so some things may not have as much explanation as I normally put in. So if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense, please ask questions. Also, remember that my advice is only my opinion and is more designed to make you think about things rather than objective truth. While my ideas may represent an improvement, it is likely that a compromise that takes my ideas into account, but comes wholly from you, will be best for the story.


Finally, never give up on writing. My advice is only intended to steer you in the right direction and shore up some places where I believe the story is currently lacking. The best way to improve is to keep writing.
>> No. 127855
Sorry, for posting so much, I just wanted to say that I accidentally put the wrong word count in for my submission from a couple days ago. It's actually only about 3000 words... I don't know where I got 14000. Sorry again, I just wanted to point that out.
>> No. 127894
>>127181
>>127367
>>127439

Woefully delinquent, but here it is: the third and final installment of mechanical fixes to “Hearts and Mail Day”:

She hovered closer to him, and noticed
She hovered closer to him and noticed

She let out an audible gasp, and went into an immediate rage, but kept it calm for the moment.
She let out an audible gasp and went into an immediate rage but kept it calm for the moment.
As with the previous correction, what you have here is a compound predicate.

IT nodded
It nodded

the stone encasing around him blasted off
"Encase" is a transitive verb, meaning that it takes an object, which you don't have here. One alternative:
the stone encasing him blasted off
You could also replace "encasing" with the noun "casing":
the stone casing around him blasted off
I'll also admit that the "blasted off" sets my teeth on edge.

now freed pony
now-freed pony

shook his head, and began tearing up
shook his head and began tearing up
Compound predicate again. I find this interesting, because you get things right with the sentence immediately preceding this one.
Plagiarizing from the first part of my review: Remember: If you have a compound predicate (e.g., "He sat and spun."), no comma. Joining up two independent clauses? (E.g., "He sat, and he spun.") Comma before your conjunction.
I'm leaving the remainder of these (and there are a lot of them) for you to find.

Fluttershy had immediately spoken up.
This belongs with the dialogue in the next paragraph. Also, the tense is wrong.
Fluttershy immediately spoke up.

FeatherFoot sobbed, and spoke
This needs a period (and one less of something else.)

It'll be okay, just remember
Comma splice
It'll be okay. Just remember

positive, and-" a branch fell
positive, and—" A branch fell
Two things here: First, anywhere you currently mark an interruption in dialogue with a dash, change it to an em dash. Second, “a branch fell” begins a new sentence.

Also-"
Another case of interrupted dialogue where you need an em dash. I’ll leave any more of these for you to locate.
Also—"

FeatherFoot's eyes grew wide, and thought to himself.
FeatherFoot's eyes grew wide, and he thought to himself.
(I always found “he thought to himself” redundant. Barring paranormal powers, who else is “he” going to think to?)

is..." she was stopped
“She was stopped” begins a new sentence.
is..." She was stopped

sky blue mane a-and a light gray coat
See the discussion in previous parts of the review.
sky-blue mane a-and a light-gray coat

Her muffin came back. FeatherFoot has returned.
Her muffin came back. FeatherFoot had returned.

a full on run
a full-on run

plans with animals." he told her.
I’m still seeing problems with speech tags.
plans with animals," he told her.

She broke out in tears of joy
Consider preceding this with a paragraph break.

She handed him a letter, this one was a red envelope with a gold seal.
After trimming the deadwood:
She handed him a red envelope with a gold seal.

'Everypony seems to be having a good time,' Feather thought.
Thoughts are customarily italicized.
Everypony seems to be having a good time, Feather thought.

wall eyed mare
wall-eyed mare

Then they said at the exact same time
I would break this and the line of dialogue that follows off as a separate paragraph:
At exactly the same time they said, "I'm having a great time."

Eventually though the two had to breathe at some point, as they separated.
Kinda clunky. How about:
Eventually though, the two had to breathe, and they separated.

"You first." he said sporting a smile.
Speech tag and a comma. (And there’s another broken speech tag in the paragraph that follows.)
"You first," he said, sporting a smile.

FeatherFoot, your stated ambition is to get your story up on EqD. The very first hurdle you need to clear is making sure your story is free of spelling and grammatical errors. A reviewer won’t even get to questions of wordsmithing and storytelling if he or she is constantly stumbling over broken syntax or misspelled words.

I’ve given you as much guidance as I can on fixing the mechanical issues. I’m relinquishing your story at this point and asking you to do your best to get your grammar and spelling squeaky clean. I’ll leave it up to you as to whether you wish to withdraw your story from the queue and resubmit after making these basic fixes. No warranties expressed or implied, but get the fundamentals of your story squared away, and I might even be tempted to pick it up again for further review.

Last edited at Thu, Jun 27th, 2013 20:40

>> No. 127924
File 137270183129.jpg - (87.40KB , 711x812 , forever apone.jpg )
127924
>>126497
I'v had an idea in my head for this story for months now, and last night I finally pounded out a tiny little smidgeon of it. For anybody who'd like to see it, a simple 'thumbs up' or 'thumbs down' will do. I'm mainly looking for commentary on whether you'd be interested in reading more if I were to write the whole thing.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e2H-67KftaA7HuIV3io3Utf7PPdZhj68BAbqWL7IO10/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127925
Tags: sad, shipping

Synopsis: FeatherFoot was very lonely until a certain mailmare changes his life.

Link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15653/1/hearts-and-mail-day/the-story

Comments/Notes:
Just like before, this is for EqD. Hyperexponential helped me edit the story, which helped massively. I am re-submitting the story for further review, preferably by a different pre-reader this time to find other (likely) errors.
>> No. 127929
File 137273986111.jpg - (312.14KB , 775x1031 , lunaconfused.jpg )
127929
Title: Luna and Order

Synopsis: Summer is not treating Luna well. Her nightly duties have become dismal gauntlets and are robbing of her some much needed rest. She sets out to find the source of the extra workloads and must face the MPAE... if she can figure out exactly what it is.

Characters: Luna, Celestia

Tags: Comedy

Word Count: 2371

Native Language: English

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ivRAPK3FMxGkdF0TtRDapRRWEebRFVdVnqEFPP1zjaw/edit
>> No. 127932
Just writing these as I go because I'm bored:

>>127924

Okay, my first thought is that you need to stop using such short sentences. It works fine for either poetry or short descriptions, but by the time. You get to the third paragraph. It just feels like you're putting in random periods. And as you can see. That's a little annoying to read. So yeah, maybe cut down on that a bit. As I said, it's fine for descriptions, but only if you use it sparingly. Using it to the extent that you're doing here doesn't make it more interesting, it makes it a chore to read.

Otherwise, it was fine. I don't feel like there was enough here to really write a whole lot about, as it was barely over a page. Try to avoid clichés such as "the world faded to black". It's not really something that takes away from your story, but it makes the language less interesting, especially since you could easily make up your own description of the experience and have that be considerably better. As-is, it's one of those "Ugh" moments when one reads overused phrases such as that.

Also, when you're writing descriptions, make sure that you're doing the bare minimum necessary. Less is more. Inserting random interjections such as "Predictably so." after "They lied." leads to fatigue as one, as a reader, is expecting "They lied." to stand on its own, with the second sentence breaking the rhythm of the sentences. If you want to write that, you could write it as "They lied, and predictably so.", which allows the reader to let the sentence keep on flowing instead of being a bump-bump sort of experience.

No comment on the ending. An opening sentence like that has been done a million times and needs to be followed up by something in order to be interesting, it can't just stand on its own. I can't say whether or not I want to read more, because I have no idea about what more is, and I'm not sure you do either. Write some more, outline your concept properly so that you have an idea of where you're going with this, then make sure to do a sample that will allow the reader to know as well within relatively little space.

>>127929

First of all, you need to work on your grammar and spelling. I'm not going to go into detail with that, because I don't think it's necessarily important to the quality of the storytelling, but it does make your writing considerably more pleasant to the reader when you make sure to put effort into this sort of thing. I'll leave it at that, though, since pointing out errors of that sort interests me about as much as ripping out my toenails.

I read the rest of it before continuing. Okay, so the grammar and spelling improve after the intro. That's good. But whatever. I like the idea behind the story and think that it's an amusing concept, even if it's not exactly a new one - Luna coming to grips with the "modern" world after her absence. If I was to level any criticism at this - and since it's short, there's not a lot to criticise - it would be that you're perhaps using jokes that are rather tired. Luna needs a bath so she smells, an adult movie seen by kids gives them nightmares, Jump Cut drinks, etc. It's not that this is necessarily bad in and of itself, but it's also not going to get any chuckles out of the audience on its own. You have to provide your own spin on it in order to derive humour. I am aware that comedy movies and shows and whatnot often just leave these things out in the open, as if to say "See? See? Geddit? She smells because she needs a shower!", but that's because those are generally terrible.

Your intro is set in medias res, which I'm not sure is necessarily such a good idea. The second part would hold up fine on its own as the beginning of the story, I think. And as it stands now, it never actually loops back to where we started, so it doesn't really work and mostly just serves to confuse the readers. Maybe once you finish this, the intro will make more sense (I should hope), but for now I'd cut it out of the story entirely, because it just seems like a completely random non-sequitur when we're not even close to being able to follow the context in which it must necessarily be taken. I would consider moving it to its proper chronological place in the end product, or at the very least cut it out until you are able to make sense of it by reading the story.

Last edited at Tue, Jul 2nd, 2013 02:53

>> No. 127934
File 137275901480.png - (271.57KB , 960x1046 , Ghostwriter.png )
127934
So i just got an email saying that my story had been reviewed but I'm not seeing it, nor am I seeing a claim in the first place.

It might be that I'm just blind, but any way could someone be nice and let me know what's going on.

No rush though.

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 127936
>>127726
First off thank you for your kind words, it's been a successful story on Fimficition and I hope it will be on Equestria Daily.

To answer your questions, I changed the situation with Scootaloo's parents. Her mother left them years ago and Scootaloo is angry now at her mother for this, not her father. Her father works two jobs to support themselves and pay off a debt from his gambling addiction. He loves his daughter and tries his best.

As for the foals getting the news, Cheerliee said that yesterday (This happened when Apple Bloom was heading home) Diamond Tiara was hit by the carrage, but died later that night from her injuries. That's why they got the news the day after in class.

Thanks for helping out, I kind of already had somebody help me with the grammar, sentence, and other spelling errors (Mostly cause this was taking so long, sorry) and it's improved a lot. I already send this to Equestria Daily again (weeks ago and still no answer (Sad face)) so here's hoping it gets through this time.
>> No. 127940
File 137278550430.jpg - (7.40KB , 177x177 , 23648124638.jpg )
127940
>>127637
What do you do when a story's beginning fails to hook?

As with all peer critique, all of what I say is only my opinion. I will offer suggestions based on my best reasoning, but ultimately, I can only reflect my own thoughts. Read my tone as I try to word this review, and use that as a gauge for my reaction. I will be harsh; please bear in mind that none of this is directed at you but at your story.

The biggest problem is that while your introduction is okay, what comes after utterly crushes all interest I might have had in your story. Walls of text, unpunctuated dialogue, essentially a humongous info-dump that is as appealing as it sounds. I've given you some notes on dialogue in general, but to fix this, I'm afraid I can see no other option aside from, well, starting much, much closer to your ending. Give me a reason to care. Your introduction does that somewhat because it's invested interest: What is happening to Twilight Sparkle? The rest of it instantly hits us: "Oh heavens it's a massive info-dump by a human, abort ship".

Your core concept, of the Mane 6 trying to fix some serious ills in the world? Ambitious, extremely so, and is horribly delicate - though could be reflective and truly thought-provoking if handled right. Your opening has nothing to do with introducing that whatsoever. What is does introduce is Lorenzo, who is not the Mane 6; the machine and means, which are much less interesting than seeing the Mane 6 do things; a whole bunch of humans-ponies-live-harmony-bla which, at best, is boring, and at worst, is daft - how are we to take it seriously when you're portraying an outright impossibility as an achievable ideal?

There's also the simpler fact that it just doesn't work as a hook. This is not a matter of believability; this is a matter of necessity. You need to hook your reader from the get-go, but not only that, you need to tell the damn story. What happens if you fail? - this happens, that I couldn't continue even if I tried. I did try. We were finally getting somewhere, and I could finally give you critique you could use, but I couldn't muster up the will to. There's just this detachment that won't let me, built up from having disconnected with half the document.

I do regret that this is all that I can give you after a month's wait, but this is the crux of my advice to you:

Long speeches suck. Not just by itself, but it also sucks out the energy from your reader. Cut out the blasted thing, give us only what we need, and get going with the mission.

Writing quality was actually all right, although the Mane 6's dialogue sounded a bit inane. Maybe I was just disinterested; I didn't find any active objections, though I found nothing to call home about. Get to your conflict. Start running. Give us the nasty, darkest parts and kick off with that, then weave explanation in, little bits when the time is right. Because you'd be hard-pressed to find someone in it for the backstory. It's the conflict that makes a story live, and if it isn't living when we open it, neither will whatever effort we put in to reading.

And it is a pity - it is an ambitious concept that, well done, would have me blown away, or at least nodding in quiet agreement. Here's to looking forward to when you bring this goal to fruition. Keep writing.
>> No. 127941
>>127932
First of all, I thank you very much that you took the time to take a look at it.

Secondly, the choppy sentence structure was probably a result of writing at 4:30 in the morning with no sleep. I'll fix all that at some point. As was made abundantly clear, it's only the very roughest of drafts and a highly incomplete one at that.

The only reason I offered such measly fare in the first place is because it was intended to be just a teaser and I wanted to see if it piqued any curiosity. I understand if was rather too short to really offer anything to be interested in. Again, probably a result of being too sleepy to give it a proper effort.

Though it clearly didn't offer you any idea of the rest of the story, I assure you that I know exactly where it's going, as I've been planning it out for literally months now. Perhaps when I've gotten enough of it down to really bite into I'll come back to offer another peek. Thanks again!
>> No. 127944
>>127934
See:
>>127513
>> No. 127945
File 137279703754.jpg - (10.30KB , 300x168 , 133971885777.jpg )
127945
Welp, that was rather daft of me.

Sorry.

>>127513
Thanks for the feed back. Sorry this is late.
>> No. 127951
>>127940
Thank you for your honest and upfront feedback. This story clearly isn't starting at the level of quality that I wished. Most other people probably would not have been so frank about my work. To hear that a reader actually gave up midway through reading my story tells me that I'm definitely missing the mark on something.

I'm working on a very ambitious idea, and I've succumbed to the pitfall of exposition. Reading back through my work I thought, 'Good gravy, this really is boring! Why in the world did I write something so boring?" Good thing I had your review to give me the smack upside the head to realize that.

There's a new prologue that I've sent you that I think goes in a more exciting direction than what you initially read. If you could take a look over it and offer your feedback I would very much appreciate it.
>> No. 127954
>>127545
I've seen your name around for a while, so I'm going to assume that I can use standard review terminology without too much explanation.


The first thing to address is that there is a ton of infodump exposition in this chapter. I understand that this is an expository chapter that is setting up the story, but it feels like there is too much exposition concentrated in one chapter without anything to keep the readers interested. In particular, character descriptions feel like you took a list of traits and strung it together with sentences instead of bullet points. I know you have to set up the setting with a lot of exposition, but characters can often be introduced by showing their actions rather than listing off characteristics.

Let me give you an example. There was one moment in your story that I felt gave more characterisation to Kirby than the entire rest of the chapter. It was when he asked, “Is your hair made of dreams?” while playing in Celestia's tail. This shows that he is innocent and a bit naive, that he has a lot of idealism and optimism, and that he is immature enough not to treat royalty any differently. This gives us a potent picture of how Kirby we should expect Kirby to react to things in the future, even more than the many paragraphs that described Kirby before this. The point is that actions tell us a lot about a character and showing their actions often gets across more information than pages of description. Plus, it is far more interesting to read.

You've probably heard about show vs tell, so I won't go into specifics about it, but what I said above can be reduced to that, so looking up resources on show vs tell may help if you aren't sure how to work on things.


On a similar note, when you have these paragraphs of description for a character, often you use the exact same sentence structure repeatedly. Look at the paragraph
>The creature seemed ... based on color.
Nearly every sentence is a simple sentence and uses a part of her body as the subject. Even worse, there are several in a row that start, It's *body part* was. More on it's later. This makes the list effect even more pronounced. This also isn't an isolated paragraph and it happens nearly every time you introduce a character.


On a very specific note for this story, you may run into some of the Gary Stu suspicion for Kirby due to the fact that you go by the name Cody the Kirby. Similarly to concerns about Ghostwriter the Scribe in a previous story, readers are extremely suspicious of characters with the same name as the author. I don't think this is a problem so far, honestly, Kirby feels more realistically characterised than anyone else so far but this is something you may want to be aware of and take into account in the future. In particular, I would recommend taking extra care to keep Kirby's personality and abilities consistent throughout the story and be very careful about giving Kirby anything much more powerful than what is established in canon.


As for systemic errors, you use caps to emphasise volume. This is generally advised against, as well-written dialogue will usually speak for itself when conveying volume. Watch out for missing vocative commas.


>effectively turning it off
Effectively? Didn't he just actually turn it off?


>thought his eyes
Missing comma.


>His mouth formed an excited grin.
I can't see a reason to be particularly evasive and passive here. If your descriptions are direct, the reader will be able to tie them to the character better.


>it's
Just about every time you use this, you are using it as the possessive for it. The possessive form of it is its. It's is the contraction for it is. So go through your story, find each instance, and mentally replace it's with it is. If the sentence is wrong, change the it's to its.


>But what drew Kirby’s attention
Why is this at the end of the paragraph? To show that something draws someone's attention, you describe it first, mimicking the character's attention.


>sit on my but
Typo here.


>Kirby approached Twilight, spouting questions with vigor.
>Master Hand put his index
Your transition is off here. You describe Kirby in a way that merits immediate attention (what questions is he asking, how does Twilight react, etc.) but immediately transition to the scene with Master Hand and Celestia. If you want Twilight and Kirby out of the scene, it is better to transition with something that alludes to them exiting.


>Something that will destroy not just our realms but all the realms
First, you are missing at least one comma here.
Next, a vague, unmentioned threat is a very ineffective hook for the story. I understand that you may not want to give away too many details, but giving no information about the main cause for the story means the reader has no reason to care. The only detail you mentioned was that the main villain uses hopelessness to defeat his enemies, but that's not exactly novel. Right now, it almost seems like you don't have a plan for the main villain and are using a vague description to get the story going until you figure out what the main villain should be.

Considering that you rehash everything with Twilight later, there doesn't seem to be much of a purpose for you to detail everything between Celestia and Master Hand separately. All you are doing is making the reader sit through the same piece of exposition twice.


You give the same reason for Twilight being involved twice, nearly verbatim each time. First off all, you only need to mention it once. If you have Master Hand explain it to Celestia, then you should omit the part where he explains it to Twilight. Otherwise, readers will start getting bored by the repetitiveness.

Also, the fact that it is there twice brings up the point that it is not a particularly good reason for Twilight herself to go. Yes, friendship can inspire hope, but then why would Master Hand intentionally separate her from her friends, the source of that hope? Also, except for honesty, all the other elements of harmony naturally inspire hope, so if hope is the only reason to bring Twilight, it makes more sense to bring the another member of the mane six instead. Honestly, Twilight's magical abilities make more sense as a reason for her to go, along with the friendship as an afterthought.


>“Why have you taken on these responsibilities? Where has this change of heart spawned from?”
This seems like something that should be addressed later. I'm not familiar with the Kirby canon, so maybe this is a bigger issue than I realise, but the whole threat of destruction of every universe should be plenty to justify action. The description about his change of heart would have more potency if we had background and understood the character.


The pep-talk strikes me as weak platitudes that don't show any character for Twilight. Consider if Twilight were replaced with Spike. If you replace the initial line with Spike thinking about protecting Twilight, the entire conversation could be exactly the same and it would make sense. In fact, just about the entire chapter could have Spike replace Twilight, and aside from having to change names and physical descriptions, the chapter would fit exactly the same.

Your initial chapter should show readers why they should stick around for the story and part of that is showing that you have a grasp of the characters. Right now, Kirby has some personality, but Twilight feels mostly superficial. I suggest watching some of the episodes where Twilight is confronted with a novel problem and drawing some inspiration from how she deals with that.


The goodbye drags on a bit. I'm also a bit surprised Twilight doesn't feel the need to say goodbye to her friends or make any arrangements for when she's gone. Considering how important her friends are, it seems like she would want to tell them what's going on at the minimum. Then again, you run into the issue of why her friends wouldn't go with her, which you could probably work around with signet mechanics or something similar that only allows one traveller per signet, but it would still seem more relevant for Twilight to do something like this.


As always, the copy-paste disclaimer.

I tried to keep this review brief as opposed to what I normally do, so some things may not have as much explanation as I normally put in. So if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense, please ask questions. Also, remember that my advice is only my opinion and is more designed to make you think about things rather than objective truth. While my ideas may represent an improvement, it is likely that a compromise that takes my ideas into account, but comes wholly from you, will be best for the story.


Finally, never give up on writing. My advice is only intended to steer you in the right direction and shore up some places where I believe the story is currently lacking. The best way to improve is to keep writing.
>> No. 127956
>>127818
I know you've helped out here quite a bit, so I'll go ahead and claim it to shorten your wait. You mentioned in your post that you've been working on it and the unedited version is the fimfiction link. Do you have a current version that you'd prefer I use? I plan on working on this mostly offline, so if you have changes that you want me to see, let me know.


>>127936
Glad I could help and best of luck with the EqD submission.
>> No. 127963
File 137284809969.png - (46.23KB , 519x515 , 134740671961.png )
127963
>>127956
Ooh, a claim. Heh, it's been in the queue so long I forgot it was there. Yes, I have a Gdoc version [docs.google.com] that is up to date. I only listed the fimfiction version because it's undergone edits since the prereader saw it. It's your choice if you want to look at one, the other, or both. Thank you very much for taking a look at it; I look forward to hearing your thoughts and advice.

Last edited at Wed, Jul 3rd, 2013 22:04

>> No. 127964
>>127954
... hmmm

Well, phooey.

This concept has been kicking my teeth in. I have the realm spanning epic planned, but the start of it is giving me trouble.

Oh, well. back to the drawing... err... writing board.

Thanks for the help.
>> No. 127971
File 137290811779.png - (83.58KB , 400x346 , strawhatpinkie.png )
127971
>>127785
First time reviewing something here, but I'll give it my best
>> No. 127978
>>127785
>>127971
Story: You have an amusing idea here with the box being completely harmless but you don't get personal enough with Twilight to make it funny. The narrator is always the one explaining what Twilight's thinking or saying. We need to hear it from her to make it funny.

Lets look at Lesson Zero for an example. Throughout the episode, Twilight mutters aloud to herself more and more, eventually gets in a Gollum-esque argument with herself, uses spells haphazardly, and physically deteriorates (messy hair, twitching eyes, slasher smile, exc.). All these things work to show just how insane Twilight is making herself over a simple letter, which is essentially what you set out to do in this fic but with a box and Discord instead of a letter and Celestia.

My other major issue with the plot is its ending. You have to be very delicate and skillful in a story to show that a character has gone completely off their rocker but is still funny. Fire generally is not funny. Given Twilight's array of spells there's a lot more options than just "Kill it with fire!" and you could work that into her paranoia that such a simple method wouldn't work on the box.

The way the ending is now, it's not funny and instead disturbing. Rather than laughing I was having flashback to Azula's meltdown in Avatar.

Characters:

Twilight: Your major issue here is show don't tell. As I explained before, the reader really needs to see Twilight's deterioration for it to be funny.

Another problem with Twilight is that her relationship with Discord isn't fully fleshed out. I couldn't tell if she still had animosity toward him, was only slightly annoyed by him, or tolerated him when necessary.

Discord: Discord needs to be an animated characters. Don't just have talk and snap his paw, make him float through the air, slide along the walls like a painting, teleport all over the place. He's chaotic so show him being lively and unpredictable.

The Box: Yes, kind of odd to make a box a character, but given its treatment in the story, it should be treated as such. Like Twilight, you need to evolve the box over the course of the story, show it become more and more sinister over time. I know that's a hard task to do for an inanimate object, but showing it turn into a bigger and bigger problem makes it all the funnier when ponies like Pinkie and Fluttershy see it as a just simple old smelly box.

Grammar I've left most of this in the google doc comments, but I'll bring up some of the bigger more frequent problems here.
1. LUS: There are multiple points, especially for Spike and the Box, where characters are introduced in paragraphs by pronouns rather than their proper names. This can confuse a reader about who's talking or what the paragraph is focussing on.

2. Lack of dialogue tags. Dialogue tags can help in showing a characters emotional state, which is incredibly vital for a story like this to be funny. Yet, most of the tags that are there already are just "said." Spice up the tags both to show how the characters are feeling and the keep readers from getting bored with the same word use.

3. The use of "but" at the beginning of paragraphs. Paragraphs should be able to both stand on their own and fit into the greater story. "But" is like a jagged end of a puzzle piece that refuses to mesh with anything else.

Again, you have an amusing idea here, but you need to get more personal with the characters and show how they react and change over the story to make it funny. Good luck with writing.
>> No. 127980
>>127978
You aren't the first person, to review this, and the previous reviewer asked me if this was meant to be more a comedy or slice of life (tags didn't make that clear). At first I wondered why they would ask such a thing, but after reading your review I think I get it. The comedy falls flat, because it is almost like a bunch of skits, instead of having any kind of build up. Things just sorta happen, Twilight does some crazy things, then some more crazy things, then the box is destroyed, but there is nothing gluing one thing to the next.

The sad truth of the matter is, I'm not sure if I can pull this off. I don't know if I can build up the box's character over time. I know it is possible to do with an inanimate object, but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

As for Discord, well I'm never sure what he would do. I know he needs to be more lively, but despite his name his actions are never exactly random, and I can't think of a good way to pull it off.

Thanks for the review, but I think this fic is done for.
>> No. 127982
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127982
>>127978
In response to that asterisk, I skimmed the story to get a bit of an idea of it, and I agree with your point about showing Twilight's descent into crazy town.

I would also back you that we don't get a good handle on Twilight's relationship with Discord. The reader is left to assume that she still dislikes him even after reforming him.

Since it was just a skim I can't be sure about the box becoming a character, but based on the majority of this review, you've got a pretty good handle on what you're doing. Just be careful that you're simply giving advice and feedback, as opposed to telling the author exactly what should go into the story. I've made that mistake before.

An example.
>2. Lack of dialogue tags. Dialogue tags can help in showing a characters emotional state, which is incredibly vital for a story like this to be funny.
This is good. It's informative, and provides the reader with an idea of what most stories *should* do.
>Yet, most of the tags that are there already are just "said."
Perfect. If the reader intended this, it shows that you've noticed. If they didn't intend it, you've caught a problem. If they didn't realize it was a problem, they're at least going to give it a second thought, now.
>Spice up the tags both to show how the characters are feeling and the keep readers from getting bored with the same word use.
While this is decent advice, there are two problems here. One, some stories could be trying to go for a generic effect. Based on the quality of the story, it's unlikely that this was the case, but be aware of this in the future. Two, telling this to a brand new writer can cause them to rip out a thesaurus and throw in obnoxious said tags that aren't even necessary. While it's good to keep things interesting, said tags are mostly invisible in prose, serving the main purpose of indicating which character is speaking.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 5th, 2013 03:33

>> No. 127992
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127992
Title: Scootadare

Author: Impossible Numbers

Tags: Slice of Life

Synopsis: She's the maredevil, the demon scooter, the Rainbow Dash wannabe. Clued in on the latest Ponyville craze, though, she is not!

Scootaloo discovers, like a jenny-come-lately, that Daring Do is only the most awesome mare in pony history (fictional or not). Yet the Cutie Mark Crusaders are growing up, and her friends are about to find she's really taking to the Darer fad.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15996/scootadare

Password: Dinky DareS2E16S1E18E17E23

(Spaces included)

Comments/requests: This story is intended to be set when the cutie mark crusaders are slightly older and entering a new stage in their lives, which I hope is implied in the text. It was an idea I'd experimented with a while ago, but I wasn't sure how to proceed with it, and so I largely scrapped it.

Recently, I've thought about reviving it, but having given it a skim-read, I think there's a problem with my writing style. I'm not entirely sure what it is, though, and I need an outsider's opinion to isolate it (or them, as the case may be).

To that end, I'd like to have the first chapter checked out. You can comment on word use, flow, naturalness of dialogue, readability, and pacing; anything to do with the writing style and what it's like to actually read. If you want, you can also point out grammatical or spelling issues and potential plot problems, but I'm mostly interested in the writing style.

The first chapter is around 4,400 words long. Any reviewer is welcome to try it, but I would prefer someone who's willing to do a line-by-line or otherwise go through the work with a fine-toothed comb and point out specific details. I find I work best when presented with examples to target rather than very general advice.

Thanks in advance, and of course, I hope you enjoy reading it!
>> No. 127993
>>127992

Also, I use British English conventions. This is to pre-empt any confusion on the grammar/spelling front.
>> No. 127996
File 137313680702.png - (443.21KB , 500x501 , SquareSeriesSpitfire.png )
127996
Statistics
Unclaimed: 15
Reviews awaiting acknowledgment: 5
Reviews In Progress: 5

Overall
Total reviews since spreadsheet began its use: 1384
Est. Total since founding: >1600

Unclaimed Stories
5/15 * For Candy by Bob From Bottles http://mlpchan.net/fic/res/3448.html
5/28 * The Apprentice by 94 aka Stickbabiga >>127651
5/31 * Pony Grand Tour by Hoof of Approval >>127675
6/1 * Plain Old Chaos by sobbing >>127682
6/8 * The Shape of your Dreams by Blank! >>127748
6/9 * Twilight's Dollhouse by Kaidan >>127748
6/13 * Repetition by Axis of Rotation http://mlpchan.net/fic/res/3448.html#5990
6/19 * Shimmer by Eyeclops >>127814
6/20 * Unnamed Doctor Whooves fic by n00btankz http://mlpchan.net/fic/res/3448.html#6422
6/21 * Scootaloo's Father's Day by LiamNeighson >>127837
6/21 * Homework is for Home by Silver Ink >>127838
6/21 * The Battle of the Golden Oaks Library by p0n00b >>127839
6/23 * A Stroll in the Park by Ignis Latinicus >>127655
7/1 * Hearts and Mail Day by FeatherFoot >>127925
7/6 * Scootadare by Impossible Numbers >>127992

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment
Hearts and Mail Day by FeatherFoot
Your Little Butterfly by Mickey Dubs
Travelers of the Realms (working title) by Cody The Kirby A.K.A. Ghostwriter the Scribe
Does Ponyville Dream of Electric Sheep? by Xenmas021
Luna and Order by Fullmetal Pony

Reviews in Progress
Eustatian reviewing Unmarked submitted 11/24
Azusa reviewing Gift of the Goddess submitted 4/1
Derpity reviewing An inkling of interest submitted 4/2
Writers_Block reviewing Farming in the Icy Inferno submitted 6/6
CartoonGeld reviewing Autumn submitted 6/19

***

If you have any problems (like you submitted a story to the queue over a week ago and no one’s looked at it, or your reviewer has disappeared) then feel free to ask for help in this thread or in the #fic IRC: http://derpy.me/sXAWK

And I’d greatly appreciate it if someone would let me know if I forget to do this at the start of every month.

Last edited at Sat, Jul 6th, 2013 12:39

>> No. 127998
>>127814
I'll take this, it looks like a relatively short chapter, so expect a review later tonight.
>> No. 127999
>>127998
>>127814

The vagueness of your prologue its biggest weakness. Stuff like who is who, where characters are, and what's going on is described in such a way that I could only garner bit and pieces of what was going on only after a full read of the story. Even then, I still don't fully understand what's going on.

This isn't the type of misunderstanding that makes me want to read more, it confuses me and distances me from the plot.

I think a cause of this is that we're getting this from a first person perspective when a third person view could just as easily tell the same story.

Another issue that adds to the confusion is lack of detail. I get a fuzzy image of what's going on like the character is on a roof and Rainbow Dash is there, but I don't know how Dash got there. Another example is the Gala. I know the narrator is at the Gala, but I don't know how she moves to meet other characters or what she does aside from talk. It makes the whole story feel blocky and incomplete. Right now, it's more like a bloated outline than an actual chapter.

LUS is also an issue I commented on in your doc. There are too many pronouns in places where a proper noun is needed to identify who's talking or who's being talked about. The lack of dialogue tags also adds to this problem and makes it difficult to ascertain who is speaking.

Finally, I felt like nothing really happened in this chapter. There was no hook that got me interested in the story. It's just somepony we don't know and therefore don't care about telling Dash a story. We don't know why or how things came to be this way.

I'd even argue to cut out the first chunk of the chapter and just start at the Gala. You can establish the narrator there, show how she'd act there to set up her personality, and show who the focus is going to be on.

My biggest concern about this and your future writing endeavorers is your lack of description. Scenes aren't fleshed out enough for the reader to fully comprehend them and feel inorganic. The Gala scene is probably the worst sufferer of this and feels mechanical: Narrator meets Celestia, Narrator talks to Rarity, Narrator talks to Dash, Narrator talks to Celestia. It's a party, show that it's one.

Look over my comments and take some time to think over them and what you want to say in your first chapter. Think of how you want to get readers interested in your story.

Best of luck
>> No. 128000
>>127996
Luna and Order Review acknowledged
>> No. 128005
>>127999
I appreciate your review of the chapter. I mean it. ^_^ I'll make sure to look over what you've said and improve the story based on that!
>> No. 128006
>>127854
Wow, sorry about the VERY late acknowledgement. Feel like a huge dick, after complaining about the previous reviewer never getting back to me. So again, very very sorry about that. Right now it's just an acknowledgement, not really a response, as I'm once again writing from the damned library. I copy/pasted your review onto my desktop and will look it over tonight, and will most likely have a proper response tomorrow. For now, thanks you so much for you review!
>> No. 128013
>>127854
And here is why I love the Training Grounds so much. A good, solid review to point out things I would have never noticed on my own.

As for spelling out small numbers, I was taught that only numbers 0-10 should be spelled out. But after actually doing it your way, yeah this is so much better.

I always end up missing a capitalization here and there.

As for internal thought, I always seem to be on the fence about it. I see one way, think it looks good, then two days later see another story that does it better. I think I need to stick a little list of things to avoid and to make sure I do next to my writing desk...

As for the author notes, the only reason they are there, and at such length, is that the subject matter is something (I hope) no one has detailed knowledge about, especially with the drug usage. I didn't even think to put it in the comments. Bit late for that, although perhaps I can put a tiny note in the story to look for my comment with the actual author's notes below, although I'm sure a lot of readers won't like searching for it. Thoughts on this?

As for "medico" it's a term I've heard spoken by many of my extensive family of doctors, nurses, CNAs, ect. I tried finding as much info on the term as possible and asking those family members, but none could give a detailed, or even not-so-detailed history of the word. I think it was just a way to shorten the word in war time forward hospitals, or perhaps emergency rooms, or maybe even by the press to give bit of "zip" to a story about medicine.

As for Rizzo being put into restraints... jeez I can't believe I over looked such a thing. That will definitely have a fix soon enough, and I very much like your idea, which I will use if you do not mind.

As for the trackmarks, they are of course, as you stated, a good sign of self injection, but any form of injection or collection of blood/plasma/ect. can leave a heavy mark and/or scar tissue and red, blotchy marks and bruises. My mother, for example, has been donating plasma since Biolife Plasma Services first opened up. Her arms look like many of my "friends'" did, even if she takes a break to let her arms recover.

As for seeing them under fur? Hell, that's another thing I didn't think of. Whereas I've net seen marks on people under hair, usually when they inject it in the groin area, it is usually best to shave an area that will be receiving injections over a period of time. And in a hospital, one can expect some patients to receive injections over some time, especially if they are getting a port, as the needle used to put the port in is large enough for hairs to get caught and then pulled inside the body. My explanation of this is that over the course of his training and career, he's seen his share of shaved areas on ponies.

As for Blue Pipe's mistake, I had planned on attributing it to his tiredness from normally working the night shift, suddenly stuck on the day-side team. Perhaps I didn't show this enough.

AS for the fight scene, yeah that could use some definite work. While yes, adrenaline is a huge factor, as is the odd strength some addicts seem to posses when something is in the way of their fix, I believe you are right in him being able to defeat the guards too easily. I want Rizzo to remain somewhat in his down-trodden state, so I'm not leaning too far towards giving him some kind of awesome fighting skills like black belt in a martial art, or previous military training (there's enough Soldier in Equestria stories as it is) but I still need him to escape, but not as he did. Right now I'm thinking that perhaps he spent some time on a college football team (actually, rugby would be preferred). Also, while a MSHA inspector would not be expected to do heavy manual labor, I imagined Rizzo to be fairly well built at the time of the accident. Therefore, even though his addiction has atrophied his muscle mass, he would still have some of his strength, especially if he has lived on his own, on the streets. Also, I planned on another, smaller flashback of him spending some time in the mentioned peninsula region of Michigan, which is about 95% densely-packed forest land. Spending time up there, in the woods, which means keeping his camp somewhat up to par, chopping wood for fires, et cetera.

After he gets out of the room though, hell, I completely forgot about his wrists. And his lack of food and water. For the wrists, I'll probably have him make Blue Pipe fix him up somewhat before it all happens, and perhaps mention that he had an nutritional I.V. put in when he was knocked unconscious.

As for the guards not having as much back up? Yeah, to be honest, I'm probably going to do a good, long rewrite of most of the scene.

"Mammaries." Yeah, that crap's being deleted.

"Juice box." The cabs of these portable cranes are really box like. I imagined what it would best look like if one were to wrap a heavy cable at high speeds around one of these cabs, and if you think about it, if you do squeeze just the center of a juice box, it's pretty much exactly how I imagined it.

As for Rizzo leaving the scene, with such a thing happening I imagined a very chaotic scene taking place around him. Also, mines usually end up being pretty close to being in the middle of nowhere, so no police, ambulatory, or fire/rescue team would get there quickly, and the mine's own security and medical teams would have been rushing to contain the area while simultaneously trying to control a crowd I imagine would have formed very soon after this all happened. Plus, I doubt they would actually think someone would rush off home so soon after this happened.

As for Abigail Rizzo not knowing about it? Yeah, no explanation for that one. I don't know... Hell, ever had your cell die during the day? Eh, I'll figure that one out, and can probably do it with one sentence.

Finally, for the rest of the errors, they are the ones I normally make when I'm speed writing, which is primarily how I write. I'm thinking of finding a full time editor for my story, but my chapters come out fairly erratically so I doubt I'll find a permanent one.

Most likely, if you wouldn't mind, after I fix all of this I will ask for a follow-up review from you. Of course, don't expect it to come soon, as once again I'm using the damn library's internet. Bloody Mediacom...

Anyway, thank you for your review, it has really helped point out quite a few flaws. I look forward to working with you again!

As always, brony on and TTFN.

~WIngless~
>> No. 128014
>>127838
Claiming

However, I'll say this right from the get-go regarding the synopsis: Spark comes off of mary sue from it. You mention she doesn't like chemistry, yet you say "of course, she aced it- she couldn't fail if she tried." It makes the character seem uninteresting because nothing challenges her, only causes a minor annoyance.
>> No. 128021
>>127838
>>128014

Story-wise I can't really say it held my attention. Sparky goes to school, has a minor accident, and nopony really suffers because of it aside from a minor freak out that amounts to nothing.

Character-wise, everypony seemed rather bland and I never latched onto them. Sparky had mary-sue traits that carried over from the synopsis that take the (relatively minor) conflict out of the story, since she still does fine on the assignment. Her character reveal could be more subtle so that it slowly dawns on the reader rather than smacks them in the face. The other characters did the roles they had to do.

Grammar-wise there are a few cases where you use present perfect when past tense works fine. There's also cases of LUS here and there that make it confusing who or what's talking or being described.

I'd suggest expanding on this story since you mention a lot of potential conflicts that don't get explored.
>> No. 128023
>>128021
Thanks for your review! I have some ideas to explore the whole story more, I guess I should start using them.
>> No. 128026
Hi... again.

Title: A Heavy Crown

Synopsis: Princess. Mi Amore Cadenza had the title thrust onto her the day she was born. Her family was torn apart by it. All she wants is somepony to see beyond her crown

Tags: Sad, Slice of Life

Word count: 3862

Issues: Opening lines of the prologue, characterization, and show vs. tell

Links: https://drive.google.com/?tab=wo&authuser=0#folders/0Bw_B_E7VZDjQOHlnRWF0REloM1E

I'd really like a skilled reviewer to check this out since it's my last chance to get on EQD.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 12th, 2013 20:43

>> No. 128028
I took the time to write the introduction to a story I've been thinking about.
But seeing as how I've never gotten criticism on writing I actually tried on, I'll see how you people think of it.
Let me know if there's anything I could fix, and I'll incorporate your tips into the rest of the story.
You know, if I get to the rest of the story.

>You've been stuck staying up all night because Equestria was apparently 12 hours ahead of your time zone back on Earth.
>No one's ever up at this hour, since the internet doesn't exist.
>And since you don't have internet anymore, you've had to find different ways to while your time.
>Looking at those underground PlayPony magazines was beginning to lose its luster.
>So tonight, you decide to step out of your metaphorical shell of a home and take a walk.
>You've always dreamed of doing so, but the city was too darn loud and busy to be something to remember or even experience.
>In somewhere like Ponyville, though, the night seemed like it would as peaceful as a spring meadow.
>There was only way to find out.
>You got your ass off the couch and made your way towards the door.
>During the day, Ponyville was a bustling little town, almost as much as your old city somehow.
>But when you opened the door, it was like you were living somewhere else.
>No smell of pastries from Sugarcube Corner.
>No sound of little fillies and colts running around.
>No little conversations from passerby ponies.
>Nothing.
>Nothing but the moon, the stars, and the blank roads.
>And those roads were meant to be walked on, regardless of what time it was.
>And you were happy to oblige.
>You take your first step out the door.
>Dirt crunches under your feet.
>Second step.
>A cricket briefly chirps alongside that step and hushes up.
>Third step.
>Wind creaks your door shut and dissipates quickly.
>Alright, time to get serious.
>Your feet begin to take a slow stride.
>As you begin your walk, you take a glance up.
>Normally, you would have seen nothing but a thick cloud of smog.
>Instead, you see the night sky.
>And wow, does it look breathtaking.
>The stars are shimmering and the full moon lights your way.
>You're no space nerd, but you think you can see Ursa Minor from here.
>It's a sight you don't think you've ever seen before.

>braces self for impact of negative criticism

Last edited at Fri, Jul 12th, 2013 20:22

>> No. 128030
File 137368607071.jpg - (11.83KB , 344x327 , 131097087621-pinkamena.jpg )
128030
>>128028
It's appreciated if you use [hide] tags to collapse large sections of text so that it doesn't fill up the thread.

As to your story? I'm a little confused. Have I been to Equestria or not? I enjoy the night sky but why am I comparing it to Equestria. For that matter, if it's a real place and I've been there, why do I need the internet to view it, and why have I been there if it's 12 hours ahead. Am I on jetlag?
>> No. 128031
File 137368713979.gif - (0.96MB , 853x480 , Me Daily.gif )
128031
>>128030
>my psyche
Well, I was just trying to say that you've become more of a night person because you've been transported to Equestria and that it was boring.
So you thought it would be nice to take a walk in the night.
To be honest, I was thinking about making this for a bat pony thread on 4chan, so I assumed you would know that you were transported to Equestria.
Maybe I should have thought that 4chan and Ponychan aren't the same place.
As for the comparison of the sky thing, I was trying to convey visual thoughts and just trying to make an interesting introduction.
Did I fail at that?
And the 12 hours thing was just there to make up for the reason you're staying up so late.
And you're Anon.
Anything else I should clarify?

Last edited at Fri, Jul 12th, 2013 20:50

>> No. 128032
>>128026
Sorry I forgot to include this before. Since EQD wanted it too, best to ask for a review of the outline as well.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xEolagJkW5YtVT2cPfqPUukKJonr05BZ9Wi1MwXQoXU/edit
>> No. 128034
File 137372721863.jpg - (43.36KB , 512x269 , bio31.jpg )
128034
>>128031
>you've become more of a night person because you've been transported to Equestria and that it was boring.
>So you thought it would be nice to take a walk in the night.
Becoming a night person doesn't happen because something is boring. That happens when you stay up later and later every night until you're going to bed at 8 am. THAT's when you start to get bored at night and go for walks. Truth be told, though, the night sky really is beautiful. Last summer I made a trip to the local skate park every night. The quarter pipe hides you from nearly every ounce of light, and makes for a nice seat. I could see pretty much every constellation in our part of the sky. I'd sit out there and stare for hours, not usually getting back until 3am.

As for 4chan and Ponychan? Way different cultures. You've basically gone to France and asked if Russians would like your work. 'Haven't the foggiest.

My advice? Try taking a walk out on a warm, clear night this summer and just gaze up at the stars, or the moon. If you understand the mindset, you might appreciate it a bit more and be able to write it more accurately and descriptively. Work on the reasons behind your scenario. It doesn't have to be put into the story itself, but if you understand the why, you'll be able to tell the what a whole lot better. After that, find someone who understands the 4chan culture, and seek them out. Don't ask for a "is this good or bad?". Instead, ask them to give their honest opinion, point out anything that was confusing, and possibly ask at least one question.
I think that might help a lot. Good luck with your story, mate.

Last edited at Sat, Jul 13th, 2013 07:59

>> No. 128048
Tags: [Adventure][Comedy][Romance]

Synopsis:
A first-of-its-kind event, a international race in the skies, comes to Cloudsdale. Creatures of all shapes and sizes sign up to prove that they are the best flier of the world, including the presumed best in Equestria, Rainbow Dash. Along with her new-found friend, Swift Flying, both find that the competition is fierce, and while there are some friendly faces, there are also foes, both new and old. There can only be one winner, but at what lengths will each one go to come out on top?

Links:

FIMFiction
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15714/top-wings

Comments:
This is a completed 70,000 word sequel to a prior story that I've written, Return to Flight. Most of the content would be show-appropriate, as that there's no gore/R34 or anything like that. I'm not really looking into submitting this fic to EqD. What I want is for someone to go over the entire story and clean up any mistakes and possibly assist in improving some passages. I'm already undergoing this process with Return to Flight with the hopes that what I learn will help me when I start writing the treequel in a few months. Although I'm not looking for any particular reviewer, I will put out there that while reading the first story isn't required, it would be beneficial in understanding some of the characters and plot elements.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 128049
I'm submitting this for review again because I had originally posted it in an outdated thread. Then the person who claimed my story when MIA and I haven't heard from him/her since he/she claimed my story.

So here it is again.

The Apprentice

Synopsis:

In an epoch of Equestrian history lost to the ages follow the story of Comet as he rises to be the first apprentice of Celestia and, with his new found friends, takes on the forces intent to bring back the Queen of the Night from her banishment and undo the harmony of the kingdom.
>> No. 128051
>>128049
Normally, I'd say give him a little time, but I have reason to believe this particular reviewer may not be coming back. I've cleared him from the original listing in the spreadsheet and deleted the more recent posting (no need to lose you place in line).
>> No. 128052
>>128049
btw, It's also considered good etiquette to note when you've submitted a story to multiple queues so the reviewers don't end up stepping on each other.
>> No. 128054
>>128052
I'm really new to this whole pony thread thing so I'm unfamiliar with most of the implied rules here. I'll take note of that though and be more careful in the future.
>> No. 128055
NEW THREAD!!! >>128053
>> No. 128056
>>128055
Dude, you have to go bigger than that.

NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053 NEW THREAD!!!!!!! >>128053
>> No. 128202
>>128026
You have been claimed. Natch.
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