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File 136018619932.png - (1.05MB , 801x997 , Flutterride.png )
126497 No. 126497
Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran alike. It isn't the only such thread, but it's usually the busiest! (Previous edition of The Training Grounds; The sticky, which contains important information)

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Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 126498
>>126441
>>126463

I request another reviewer to take a look, please.

Hey there, because I’ve done most of the reviewing during my trip to and from school in public transport. I had to download your thingy. It can be found here. I’ve left some comments and a bit of an extra is listed here below.

Link to doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I6Qz0xRYxjPhRQdPdWonFyeJjqNwFFAAv-nEv7Ew_J8/edit



proofreading

Steps to a great story:

Step 1: have a concept
Step 2: write this concept
Step 3: PROOFREAD this writing
Step 4: reread, think it’s rubbish.
Step 5: cry in a corner
Step 6: Get angry, get busy
Step 7: Proofread again
Step 8: Publish
Step 9: ALL the glory.

I think you’re between step 2 and 3. Why? Because there is some inconsistency in the errors you make.

For instance the speech tagging, and AJ’s name. If this were something you didn’t know it would be consistent and not applied everywhere.

A thorough proofread should help fix most, try this first before submitting. You wouldn’t send an application riddled with errors.

The last thing is misuse of words. In some instances you use the wrong words in the wrong place, for instance: exited when you should use excited, decent/descent. And a few more. Reread your sentences do it out loud if you have to and when you read a word that might seem off. Nowadays a quick check is done pretty quickly. Or if you’re not sure try a synonym to get to the right word.

Inconsistency with name(s)

Applejack in paragraph x and Apple Jack in paragraph y. You’re quite inconsistent on naming her. If I’m not mistaken it’s one word Applejack.

Not a inconsistency, but in the world of pony, pegasus and pegasusses/pegasi go without a capital.

Spaces for indenting

Don’t do this, every time an author does this Satan gets a soul, use tab.


Double space after period

Don’t it’s not a mono-spaced font. Find & Replace should help you with this. Of course if you don’t want to that’s fine too I guess. It’s just kinda useless.

Lay-out

It’s set up as a book. Which isn’t really a problem if it were to be printed on paper. However, www. Fimfiction.net isn’t paper it’s a site, and to me it’s kinda hard to read the fic if there’s not a white line in sight. I’m sure I’m not the only one. A screen simply doesn’t read as nice as a book. Plus finger trailing doesn’t work on a screen.

Inconsistent Speech tagging

If the action that follows the speech relates to the speech (say, shout, mumble, ask, etc.) You don’t use caps. Both sentences belong together and if you don’t use special punctuation (question mark/exclamation mark) you’ll need a comma. Refer to the examples below.

>”Hello, my name is Slim Shady,” said Slim.
>”What? My name who my name is!” shouted Slim Shady.
>”I messed those lyrics up, didn’t I?” asked Split.
> “We will destroy you!” The audience threw carrots and mushrooms at Split for messing up their favorite song.

Last one gets a capital letter because the action followed hasn’t a direct relation to the speech.

However, you do the right thing at most places, comma instead of period, small letter when used a speaking verb. I think this is purely a proofreading related matter. So a proofread should fix it.

Info dump

It’s like a giant complaint for the reader to read about how it’s awful to be a dirt kicker and how bone density, size etc. ground him. This could be avoided to incorporate it into the story itself. If I am not mistaken you had the label shipping for this story, maybe the dead mom and crappy dad thing could be put in a emotional convo between him (Big mac? I have a feeling you’re going to ship him with Big Mac) and his love interest. The medical report could be covered very easily. You have to understand that it’s a world filled with magical ponies. Physics, and things that you would consider normal don’t really apply to the world of pony or are bend at their will.

The biggest example that gives your concept a kick to the shins is Roid Rage. That white buff “YEAH!” screaming pegasus with wings smaller than those of Scoot.

Example to cover his medical dossier is already in your writing, see the convo during the walk back to the barn with bigmac. Drop the medical term, but leave it at that a small explanation of what it means maybe but not too much. At one instant.

Gary Stu

First of all I scored 36 (out of 50) on a mary sue test, with the information I have now. You know… I’m gonna say yes.

Why? He comes of like that. He’s special, has had a crappy childhood, he’s probably going to get shipped with one of the main six. He’s a pretty cool guy, and he shrugs all the bad from above off.
Plus doesn’t have a only have a pony build but he’s has a stature that rivals that of the princesses. Kewl bro.

You know somewhere you dropped a line that he got used to rejection or something.

One does not simply get used to rejection. You become more capable of hiding your disappointment.

Story

I’ve got to be honest here. I’ve haven’t read this kind of story yet, but for some reason my gut tells me it’s a dime in a dozen. If I probably look up sad fic winged earthpony or something I’d get a few of these. Is this a bad thing? I don’t know. Subject matter is personal and it doesn’t say anything about the quality of the fic. There’s probably fiction out there that has a lolwut plot and near perfect execution, this also works the other way around.

I read shipping, and I’m kinda wondering whether it will be either AJ or RD. If I’m not mistaken it’s a huge influx into the Stu meter to ship your OC with one of the main six. It draws points like flies to poop.

Furthermore, where’s your conflict? I don’t mean the fact he can’t reach his house (which feels like a plot device to get into RD’s bed training class). Is there going to be more? Is he going to turn into an alicorn? Or is he just going to get two lessons fall in love and have pretty mutated OC babies?

Look it isn’t too bad, and sure there are people who like this, to be honest, but what differs you from all those other Main cast X OC? All in all, those 4k are a bit at the meager side. This is kinda my opinion, and who knows it might change with a bit more.

However, asking if it should be continued at a review board. Tsk… tsk…

It would be a lie to say ‘you should write for yourself’, however, you should consider yourself the first reader. Don’t be afraid. There will be people reading it. Everyone has his or her own tastes.

Now shoo away, take my advice, proofread first, and resubmit.

GOOD LUCK!

Last edited at Wed, Feb 6th, 2013 14:40

>> No. 126499
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126499
OP formatting fixed.
>> No. 126511
Tags: [Adventure] [Shipping] [Dark]

Synopsis: Twilight and Rarity are sent to identify a mysterious artifact found in the Crystal Mountains. The journey is long, and while traveling in the breathtakingly beautiful scenery of the North, Twilight starts to discover entirely new feelings towards her friend.

But their mission is not sugar and spice, for under the Northern skies, something ancient has awoken.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/77480/under-the-northern-skies

I'd like all of the chapters to be reviewed.
>> No. 126527
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126527
Title: Utopia: The Prometheus Saga

Author: Eschatos Initator

Tags: Adventure, Sci-Fi, Humans in Equestria, Dark(?)

Synopsis: A speck in Luna’s telescope; Prometheus arrives silently above Equestria, carrying within itself mankind’s ambassadors to the stars. But these ambassadors are far from perfect. Fugitives, test subjects, imposters, and madmen; all have their representatives, and a tangled web of ancient conspiracies lives on within the vessel’s empty halls.

Some ponies would greet these visitors with open hooves, others with fear and suspicion. Some merely want them to go home. But chance and magic are fickle things, and, for better or worse, there can be no escape from the “gift” of Prometheus’ fire.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B0ks4bsSOfuH2UNb74X9fsTjvQ6HX9Bwn_YWpwmF-CQ/edit?usp=sharing

Only one chapter now.

Okay, so I submitted this a while ago. Then it got torn to shreds and I started over. Ironically enough, the criticism I got from the reviewer in question (thank you) was infinitely harsher (and more helpful) than what I got from Equestria Daily when I first submitted it. (AKA: "Fix a semicolon and a capital letter")

Here's hoping this version is better.

Also, the (?) after dark is because I'm not sure what constitutes dark versus grimdark. This ain't no Cupcakes, but it's not flowers and sunshine (anymore) either. Guns come out, and people/ponies get shot. If someone could help point out where the line is, that'd be grand.
>> No. 126530
>>126498
Thank you very much,

Thanks to you I think I'm going to be making some pretty big changes to this story that would have never been made otherwise. I have never asked for a non-bias review like this before so it is definitely refreshing to hear that my story needs work (my friends are too nice about things like this).

I shall work on it, nay slave over it until I'm sure its perfect, or you know, a lot better than it is now.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME
*woosh*
>> No. 126531
Tags: [Comedy] [Random] [Crossover] [Adventure] [Human]

Synopsis: Mr. Torgue, a successful corporation eponymous who loves explosions and yelling comes to Equestria because Pinkie is bored. Ridiculous events follow.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/73367/explosions

So my friend Confusedbrony suggested I send my fic here for review, any helpful critiques?
>> No. 126544
>>126530

>YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.
I'm gonna hold you to that. If you feel like it you can always request me again, however, multiple POVs might be better for a story.

And I am glad you're taking it so well. I thought for a moment I might have sounded a bit too much as a dick and a bit less than a reviewer.

Glad to be of some help!
>> No. 126551
Hey guys, not sure if I should have made a new submission or just make a post, so I just made a new post. If I shouldn't have, err... sorry.

Anyway, I'm trying to get in contact with Minjask, the person who did the first review of my story. I requested a second review after I finished editing. He already said yes. So, Minjask, tell me when you see this.

I posted something in the older thread already but I'm not sure if anyone even goes there anymore.

Last edited at Sun, Feb 10th, 2013 02:16

>> No. 126552
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126552
>>126551
Sorry. I meant to have your story reviewed and the review posted by now. I've just been so plum busy, and I've had a splitting headache for the past couple days. I'll get to it when I can, but I'm a little under the weather at the moment.
>> No. 126558
Tags: [Sad] [Random] [Crossover] [Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: Scootaloo is a changeling separated from the Hive. She's always been one, and nopony suspected a thing. After a hard day of Crusading she goes for her secret cider stash, but has a few too many and is promptly discovered.

Brought before Princess Twilight Sparkle the changeling tells her story, and shares her fears that Chrysalis may send her minions to drag her back. Twilight offers Scootaloo a chance to start a new life. But she has to sacrifice her old one first, which means saying goodbye to two of her closest friends...

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ahjrSCdC5QlORjckaTIhzO1FIb8d4gSvV_faKlZdKiE/edit

ABOUT THIS FIC

A lot of the fics I've been seeing in the featured box on Fimfiction lately have involved Changelings, cider, Princess Twilight or Scootaloo in one way or another. Oh, and Pokémon. So I decided to write a story which used all of them.

Sadly, I chose a bad time to submit said story, so its chances of being featured are now non-existent. However, that isn't going to stop me sending it to EQD.

Bearing in mind what happened the LAST time I sent them a fic, I decided that I would post it here first and get a reviewer to look at it. That way I don't blow my three chances.

That said, I would like a no-holds barred review. Please point out any and ALL problems with this, no matter how insignificant they may be.
>> No. 126562
>>126561
>>126560
>>126559

Oh my god, I am so sorry about that! I kept getting a 404 every time I tried to reply, and I had no idea that the post actually went through! D:
>> No. 126563
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126563
>>126562
You can delete posts by checking the box beside the title, scrolling down to the bottom of the page, and clicking "Delete".
>> No. 126565
>>126552
Alright, no problem. Take your time and get better soon!

Last edited at Sun, Feb 10th, 2013 14:58

>> No. 126583
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126583
>>126565
Here ya go.

Oh my, has this been featured since it was reviewed? I don’t remember it being so popular before.
Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve missed a detail like that. No matter, on to your long awaited, pre-promised review.

Grammatical stuffs
>"Oh, it’s just you. Good morning Derpy.” He yawned.
You’re still missing a comma before your addressee in dialogue.

>“We can just go my way. That’d make things easier.”
I think there should be a question mark in there somewhere.

>They began their little adventure when it was late afternoon. They hadn't actually wasted much time flipping objects, but the day passed faster than they were used to. Sunlight was diminishing and the TARDIS still had about an hour and a half before it was ready. It would be night soon, and the Doctor knew it. He glanced at Derpy who was hopping up and down excitedly.
I noticed you made improvements to this little section. It’s not perfect, but it’s beyond the point where I can point a critical hoof at it.

>She snapped out of her trance. "Huh? I, but, but. It was so close! I almost took a bite out of it!"
I don’t know if this is new or not, but I’d like to say that this got a chuckle out of me.

>“Hold on Derpy, quiet.”
>“What is it?”
>"Shush."
>“Listen...” The Doctor cocked his head to hear the noise better.
>“I think I hear it.” They concentrated on the noise. “It sounds familiar,” Derpy quipped.
In this section it became difficult to understand who was talking.

>“There are no muffins.”
I think this would have better impact if it were its own paragraph.

>“Well. You dove head first into an underground reservoir, got caught in some rapids, almost died, fell off a waterfall, then almost died again, and now you’re here.”
>Derpy stared at the Doctor with wide mismatched eyes. “So the light at the end of the tunnel-”
>“Was literally the light at the end of the tunnel.”
I still find this confusing, and I think it comes from you saying ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ directly after saying that Derpy almost died. The implications are too strong for the reader’s mind to go anywhere else, which makes it sound like you’re misusing the word, ‘literally’.

>She kicked up dirt collected the blocks.
I’m sorry, but this sentence doesn’t fit within the rules of English grammar.

>Derpy still hasn't stopped laughing.
Careful with those tenses, man.

>She couldn't help but to notice that the Doctor’s building was finally beginning to take some shape.
You’ve got an extra word in there—you don’t need that first ‘to’.

>Derpy walked through the hole and into the house. Derpy fell forward and face-planted into the ground which was a block lower than the door.
See Spot. See Spot run. This feels—*puts on sunglasses*—“blocky”.

>“You need to watch out for the green mossy monsters. It looks like they just want a hug but trust me, I tried that once and he just exploded.
Oh, is that why everypony hates creepers? Good to know, lol.

You’ve got some telly lines in here, but overall I kind of like it, and apparently so do 632 others. Nice job.
>> No. 126592
>>126583
Thanks again for helping me out with my story. You've helped me improve a lot as a writer. Oh, and yeah. This story was featured when chapter 1 was first released. I'm still not sure how... Time for one more round of edits then it's off to EqD for a second try! If I fail.... I'll be back.
>> No. 126603
Title: Just Pull the Trigger
Name: Wingless13
Email:[email protected]
Tags: [Dark] [Random}

Synopsis: After a failed showcasing of her dresses to the most elite of fashion critics, Rarity stops by a little night club to drown her sorrows a bit. There she meets a stallion, who at first is rude but takes a chance on her and sits down to chat. After a few glasses of scotch, he offers her a chance to show him and his life long friend, Hoity Toity what she would do to make sure her career isn't over.

(Oh Celestia that synopsis sounds highly sexual, doesn't it?)

Links:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/78761/just-pull-the-trigger

Comments: I'm on strike two at EqD for format and punctuation errors, so I'd like to make a request of a reviewer. One of the prereaders at EqD suggested I have Twilight Snarkle take a look at my story, saying Mr. Snarkle really knows his stuff. So I ask of you Twilight Snarkle, will you do the review for me? I'm guessing if the prereaders at EqD suggested you I'm sure you get requests a lot, so I won't mind waiting. And if not, I'll be happy, albeit disappointed, to accept a review from someone else. But really, I want to get this right. For once.

Now I've gone over what the prereader at EqD said to look for, mainly dialogue and thought punctuation. I'm pretty sure I've got it all right, but I would much rather have another set of eyes give an other once-over.

The other thing was comma use. Once I looked at it, knowing what I was looking for, I could see the mistakes right away. It was primarily in places a semicolon could be used, or where a new sentence should start. But once again, another look would be good.

Now having said all this, and having had this story reviewed by multiple people, I'm pretty sure I'm at the point where my story is perfect in the sense of grammar, spelling, and formatting. Just a good once or twice over to make sure.

Thanks a ton.
>> No. 126604
>>126603
Good Celestia I'm sorry about this. I kept getting a 404 error and never knew they were still being posted. (Got it confused with a server not found error...) And for some reason I can't find them on the Training Grounds thread. Will delete when I see them. Or hell, report them if you see em, I won't mind. (Only reason I saw this was because i was looking in news and saw four of my post in the new posts section)
>> No. 126609
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126609
>>126592
Oh, hey. My brother is a minecraft fanatic, so I couldn't help but ask him about the slow falling lava. He confirmed that lava does fall that slowly but said that the shiny black blocks that formed when it hit the water were obsidian, which would only form when moving water flows into still lava. For moving lava flowing into still water, stone would have formed, and for moving lava flowing into moving water, cobblestones would have formed.

I don't actually know this, but my brother plays minecraft every spare minute he has, so I trust him.

>>126603
>strike two from EqD
Wow. Sorry. I really tried, man.

Last edited at Tue, Feb 12th, 2013 18:09

>> No. 126610
>>126609
That's alright, your suggestion for the ending made your review WAY WAY worth it! Plus you did point out quite a few errors that did need to be fixed.
>> No. 126611
>>126609
Also in terms of the obsidian, I've seen what happens when lava hits water. Usually it's quite a violent "explosion" you might say, of steam, hydrochloric acid, sulfuric acid and glass particles a.k.a. the obsidian. And this all depends on the lava itself, more specifically, the location of the lava flow, and what types of metals and minerals present. I have yet to play Minecraft, so I'm not sure how close you could get to the flows, but IRL, you really should stay as far away from these as possible. I can't imagine melted glass and very hot water vapor would feel very good. Same with the hydrochloric and sulfuric acid, although those are normally in a vapor form as well, and would probably just burn away or melt your mouth throat and lungs if inhaled.
>> No. 126612
>>126609
Yeah, someone in the comments pointed that out a while back. I gotta fix that, but I keep forgetting to... I'll cover it for sure when I go through the last round of edits.

>>126611 Uhh, yeah. I'll keep that in mind. You can stand as close as you damn well please in minecraft btw. :P
>> No. 126614
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126614
>>126611
>>126612
Minecraft is intended to be purely creative, so the creators didn't spend too much time trying to follow all the laws of science. Heck, it's the only game I know of where the creators of the game go out of their way to convince you to modify the hell out of it.

>>126610
Thanks, even I know I can't get everything. It's just frustrating when such a story is rejected on small punctuation issues, and I was the last to look at it. I wish you the best of luck with your third try. You're definitely in good hands if he takes the case, though. Snarkle's not one to mess around with this stuff as far as I've heard. If you can't find *him* though, I recommend requesting Pascoite for grammar and punctuation issues.

Last edited at Tue, Feb 12th, 2013 23:12

>> No. 126616
>>126614
Well I'm going to give it a few days. I'm VERY sure i got 99.99% of what is needed, but I REALLY want to make sure this time. And it was the Prereader at EqD who suggested him, so I was sure from the start he might not accept. I'm just going to see if anyone else might want to claim it. I may take your suggestion and ask Pascoite, but really I'm just looking for a couple people to give it another look before I give it my last shot at EqD.
>> No. 126620
I hope I'm doing this right... Well, here goes.

Story title: A Day With The Wonderbolts

Author(That's me!): Antiquatedannomaly

E-mail: [email protected]

Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy, Normal

Word count: 12,043

Status: Oneshot, all in one chapter

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1auyK2hRk61uONMXeqXId0V_aUdFBbcp_01ZXE5a6TUk/edit?usp=sharing

Synopsis: When Spitfire, Soarin' and Misty go to judge the 'Best Young Flier' competition, Spitfire expected to be bored to tears watching amateur fliers peruse their casual hobby; but things take an unexpected turn when two ponies fly onstage for the last performance. For the Wonderbolts, unexpected is usually a very, very bad thing.

Comments: This is also up on Fimfic (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/72005/a-day-with-the-wonderbolts), but I have opened commenting up to everyone on the G-doc version and I like the comments system with G-docs. I already had five different pre-readers look at it before I submitted it to EqD the first time and the EqD people still tore it apart. They (EqD) picked out a lot of stuff: punctuation, formatting, LUS (lavender unicorn syndrone), and show don't tell.

I am currently in the process of overhauling my knowledge of punctuation, and have already come a long way, but I don't see any point in fixing those little errors untill after I fix the LUS and show don't tell problems, as they will require that I re-write (hopefully small) sections, and I am trying to be as efficient as possible, as I am a pretty busy guy.

So, my request is that you focus on the LUS and show don't tell problems. I am just too close to this project to trust myself to catch them. I am trying to "fix" my writing style, so be as harsh as you can bring yourself to be. The end goal is to get this into EqD, and I think the story is solid enough to make it; I just need to fix my presentation.

The best way to get ahold of me is to comment on the G-doc. I have no experience with sites like this and I just don't know how ponychan works. I'll try to keep an eye on this site incase anyone comments here, but again... I'm a noob with sites like this and will probably miss things.

Thank you all for your time, even if all you did was read this post. The TL;DR attitude is an epidemic on the internet and I greatly appreciate that you even gave me this much of your valuable time.
>> No. 126621
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126621
>>126620
>Tl;Dr is an epidemic
Not in /fic/ thankfully. There are some posts that are just too long to care about, but most of us are avid readers, so if you're under 500 words, odds are somepony will read it. I've fixed the link in your submission in the form, so it looks like you're good to go. Be prepared to wait a few days though, with the queue this long, it can take anywhere from a day to a couple weeks for your story to get looked at.
>> No. 126623
>>126621
Thanks for the reply ^_^. At least I know this thread is alive. Also, thanks for letting me know about the wait, I was prepared for that though. Hopefully the length of my story doesn't turn people off. 12K is pretty long for a oneshot...
>> No. 126629
>>126616
Snarkle should be around. He volunteered to do the review, so unless something unexpected came up, you'll get him. I'll take it if Snarkle can't or if you want two reviews for the price of one.
>> No. 126632
>>126629
Well I am certainly not going to say no if you want to review it. If you want to, go for it. :D
>> No. 126633
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126633
>>126603
Hullo.
I hear tell you've requested my attention. Consider it granted. Be aware, though, that I do have one story ahead of yours. If anyone wants to take a peek in the meantime, I don't mind sharing.
>> No. 126635
>>126633
That's alright. I've got plenty of other stuff to do in the meantime. Take your time.
>> No. 126658
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126658
>>126620
Human Nurse fetch me my scalpel and meet me in the surgery wing. We shall begin surgery at the crack of when my cat nap is up!

Last edited at Fri, Feb 15th, 2013 09:03

>> No. 126669
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126669
>>126603
Good afternoon, sir. My name is Snarkle and I'll be giving you your review. I'd like to get one thing out of the way, first. Specifically:
>I'm pretty sure I'm at the point where my story is perfect in the sense of grammar, spelling, and formatting. Just a good once or twice over to make sure.
These obscenities have been double-censored for your protection.
No. Just... no.
Your grammar is atrocious. Your participles dangle, your ellipses have eloped, and your haphazard use of commas give one pause.
You casually slip from one tense to the next.
Your speakers keep speaking when they should stop. They stop speaking when they should continue. They are interrupted by nothing, and ignore interruptions.
Your actors repeat their actions in the same paragraphs, and sometimes in the same sentences. There is too little inflection and little reflection.
I do not say these things to make light of the situation, or to ridicule. I say them to impart upon you that you clearly do not understand the concept of 'perfect'. I have never achieved it, myself, but I do not claim to possess it.
Look, I'm gonna give you some "in general" pointers, and then make you an offer. Understand, though, that I am working on my own writing as well so the offer is an "as available" dealio. Capisce?

1) Read your story out loud. Turn off the music, turn off the TV, and just stand in a quiet room and read your story out loud. Print it. Bring a red pen. Why? Because you'll hear 90% of the problems.
2) In general, when someone can take a breath, use a period. When they add a sideline or pause in mid-sentence, that's often a comma. When they trail off, it's an ellipsis. When they make a parallel statement, use em-dashes.
3) Offset terms of address and exclamations with commas (and at times, periods). "Oh my Mister Monday I had no idea" is not right. "Oh my, Mister Monday. I had no idea." is much better.

As for the offer? If you want, next time you see me in IRC, PM me. I will happily hop into your story and go through it line by line so long as my real-world distractions allow.
>> No. 126681
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126681
>>126527
I'm in the mood today to be overly sarcastic but helpful at the same time. I'll claim this.

Last edited at Mon, Feb 18th, 2013 09:03

>> No. 126682
File 136104127506.jpg - (21.53KB , 480x360 , ravenn.jpg )
126682
>>126681
Getting in your monthly review? Haha.

>>126433
I think I'll claim you.
>> No. 126684
Tags: [Adventure] *I'm sort of having a tough time categorizing this
Word Count: 7385
Synopsis:
When Rainbow Dash and her class at the Wonderbolts Academy were first told about this secret gathering at Mount Skytooth, no one knew what to think. Some thought it might be a special training exercise or something. Others assumed it might lead to somepony getting "let go" from either the officers or the cadets.

But Rainbow Dash knew. She knew that this could only be for one thing, after all this time: graduation.

Perhaps, though, things aren't so cut-and-dry for the aspiring cadets. And maybe it wasn't the best idea for Rainbow Dash to stick her neck out to for an excuse to bring along Scootaloo to watch. But no matter what happens, this is Rainbow's dream. To join the Wonderbolts, the best of the best in all of Equestria.

No matter what it takes, Rainbow Dash will not let herself miss this chance. After all this time, she can't mess this up.
*Taking advice on the synopsis as well

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aQvSfaE_5Yv2EYvcaYqIt3Djd9b3FzvfSqcI-lGJZ2Y/edit
Comments/Requests: One of my biggest concerns is the sort of bold assertion this story makes towards canon. From those I've shown it to before, I've gotten mixed responses as to whether or not it seems at the least plausible. Given that this is fanfiction, I'm not sure how concerned I really should be with this. Just in case, however, I'd like to know if it comes off as too "out there" or anything of the sort.

Last edited at Sat, Feb 16th, 2013 12:40

>> No. 126685
File 136104453560.jpg - (200.93KB , 843x758 , Teen_Titans__Raven.jpg )
126685
>>126682
>>126433

Okay, so it’s pretty obvious that this is a changeling, unless there’s some other black, green-haired, shape shifting creature with no pupils that we know of. Actually, the “no pupils” part intrigues me. Perhaps this was some clever misleading ruse? Anyway, you do a great job of showing in that respect, but the rest of the story is totally bland because you used tell for pretty much all of it.

>Twilight wasn’t paralyzed when she was knocked to the ground, but now she was paralyzed by fear.
>Its voice was as terrifying as its appearance.
Everypony who knows anything about fine cooking knows that tilapia is only cheap because there’s no flavor to it; you have to add your own spices or nopony will want to eat it. In the same light, you can’t just tell the story. You have to add flavor to it, and the best way to do that is through showing, and not telling.

That said, you’ve got an interesting story here. I kind of want to read the previous bits to see what led up to this. Unfortunately I’m nervous that it will be just as lackluster. Your story feels bland. Like there’s something missing. Of course, while I would never tell you something is perfect, you probably shouldn’t worry too much that what I just read feels bland. Rice is also bland, but who eats rice by itself? Most us us would eat it with chicken, or fried broccoli, or eggs—one scene does not a full story make. I’d have to read the rest of the story to really get a feel for it.

Not a bad scene, but it could be better.

Last edited at Sat, Feb 16th, 2013 19:57

>> No. 126688
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126688
Title: A Wake of Mist and Flame
Name: Heliopause
Tags: [Normal][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: A day in the life of Princess Celestia, seen through the eyes of one of her guards.

Darrilon has proudly served Princess Celestia for many years, and risen to the rank of Captain of the elite squad known as the Solarian Patrol. But every day is a new challenge when your superior officer (and divine ruler) has no respect for protocol or procedure.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16uaQwMRJ0vhDs_b-BeTcWNCEYCU8TAe9-944nb_iR04/edit?usp=sharing

Comments:
This was rejected at EqD with the following note: "While your story is meticulously crafted and more-or-less free of grammatical errors, my main concern is that this story starts far too slowly.... I'm advising you streamline your first chapter."

For this version of the story, I've cut out 80% of the first chapter, and merged what remained with chapter 2. I'm mainly interested to know if I've addressed the concerns of the pre-reader, although any other feedback is of course appreciated.
>> No. 126691
File 136106980776.gif - (2.90MB , 600x360 , PinkiePartyTimeGif.gif )
126691
>>126682
Something like that. For the first time in 6 months I decided to write again. Why not start to review again?
>> No. 126700
Tags: Strong Friend-shipping/Light Shipping

Synopsis: A night of soul-searching leads Rainbow Dash to spend some time with a friend for some stargazing, and discover that it might be her feelings that show her what she needs most.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10RT3DKiuctzrGq29oacGUwKPQ0z0X3UaRqKjJVCt_vU/edit?usp=sharing

I'm looking for some formal pre-reading/editing on this little story I couldn't help but write after listening to too much Owl City one night. It's been sitting around my computer for a while, but as I look at it now, I can't really decide what works and what doesn't. I ask for help here as the usual editors I work with aren't strongly experienced in commenting/ giving feedback on shipping or romantic tales. I 'm also coming here as this is the first time I've ever written such a story, and I'm hoping to get a broad level of opinions from anyone who does take a look.

The lack of skill in romance is probably obvious, but I do believe that I can turn this story into something great if with a push in the right direction. Although I hope it isn't too much of a trainwreck to read through. I'm just hoping I can figure out what's good enough to stay, and what needs to be cut and readjusted, before I formally publish it anywhere.

My only intention with the flow of the story is for it to end with a feeling of ambiguity, setting the stage to deeper explore the development of the actual relationship in a multi-chapter sequel.

Thanks in advance, from probably the lamest shipping author ever.

--Quillery
>> No. 126704
Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 14: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BzgfMru0ucaoS9LJPAIu8O9gIbvlvgzhMFRyNv2BVBI/edit

Comments: I would like to have my review in-doc.
>> No. 126705
Hello! I would like to submit my newest one-shot for review.

Title: In Her Sanctuary

Author: OmegaPony11

Tags: Dark, Sad, Shipping

Synopsis: Celestia left the public eye of Canterlot to be alone with her beloved, Twilight Sparkle. All she ever wanted could finally be hers. Together in love within her sanctuary, Celestia attempts to have a perfect day with Twilight.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UoHt2a9KOnoGRktPSbsDoJb1ZdyWbADv7zOCcrcKSIo/edit

This fic was the result of a challenge made to me by a friend. It is not nice in the slightest, and was actually rather depressing to write. Still, it is rather short and clocks in around 3k words. There are also two endings, with both myself and the challenger thinking the first is best, but I kept both in in the event the reviewer has any thoughts on either.

The challenger was very happy with this fic, so I hope it gets a positive response here too. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this.
>> No. 126709
>>126700
I'll grab this and take a look. Give me a bit to work over it, don't have that much free time during the week, I'll try and get it done today.
>> No. 126712
File 136113863629.png - (112.24KB , 301x313 , 132619968743.png )
126712
>>126700
>Vanilla Twilight
Hey, did you know—
>I couldn't help but write after listening to too much Owl City one night.
Oh, okay, so you did know about this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIz2K3ArrWk

Anyway you’ve piqued my curiosity, so consider this a freebie. I read your story, and it confirmed my suspicions. Congratulations on portraying the same emotions in your story as those expressed in the song of its namesake; to any who read this, I highly recommend looping the song as background music while reading. I enjoyed relating with Dash’s appreciation of the night sky, and her longing for companionship. It was easy to see how she might feel alone, which helped make it easier to accept when she garnered feelings for Twilight. I would love to add this to my favorites list if it went up on Fimfiction.

I won’t invest my time in critique—this has just been my personal thoughts— but here is a list of items that I found in your story which might inhibit your placement on Equestria Daily:

Too many commas
Commas in places they don’t belong, and other places with missing commas.
A few misspellings.
Awkward phrasing
Lavender unicorn syndrome
Luna’s moon and Celestia’s sun
Improper dialogue punctuation
>> No. 126713
File 136114160498.png - (2.88MB , 1600x900 , 134068859761.png )
126713
Tag: Adventure

Word count: 3315

Synopsis: The Rune Guide, a book containing great power to those who can utilize it. It is both Ghostwriter's greatest discovery and biggest responsibility. But now it is in the wrong hooves. While Ghostwriter is working on retrieving it, Celestia sends him to Ponyville and by pure luck, he has a chance to get it back. Now he must get the Rune Guide back and also deal with Ponyville antics.

Chapter 1: The Ghost of Canterlot
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-jgOQj28kZ3zR3mNEgCFBlyA8JPnZ0TgVPKS-LZGTto/edit

Allrighty then, few things.

First, thanks to Crushric for the review. I have fixed most of the technical errors. So I'm gonna keep going at it till there are only errors due to difference in opinion. Reviewers! Grab your cannons and fire away!
>> No. 126716
File 136114529978.jpg - (18.14KB , 480x360 , 1068089465_SeanRaven2.jpg )
126716
>>126511
The queue's growing again, and I'm growing bored again. Time to get moving. Boop me in the IRC if I'm not back in 24 hours. Claimed.
>> No. 126723
Ack! Human nurse scapels shouldn't snap in half like that. Alas if the patient desires we will have to give up on this case. Realtalk: my hardrive is ded and I won't be able to finish the review until I get a new one. Sorry for any inconvenience and feel free to request another reviewer if you need to.
>> No. 126726
>>126712
>>126709

Thank you both for your quick opinions. I will rummage through the little mistakes and perhaps resubmit again for another go around or two just to make sure everything is just right.

If it isn't too much trouble, though, I would appreciate it if you could point out where the lavender unicorn syndrome is most prominent, I tend to have difficulty finding it in my own work when it is so fresh in my mind still. If not, ill ask for details in the second submission.

Thanks again,

--Quillery
>> No. 126729
Title: Grim Flamingo

Author: swinfos

Tags: Dark, adventure, crossover

Word count: 3100

Synopsis: After Twilight passes into Tartarus she is forced to work off a former sin until she can move on to the next afterlife. However all is not well in the land of the dead.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/83336/grim-flamingo

Comments/ Reviews: I asked Bleeding Rain to review this and he said that my punctuation was terrible and that I should come here. He said that I needed someone who was good at editing and punctuation.

Last edited at Tue, Feb 19th, 2013 00:08

>> No. 126730
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126730
>>126729
Glad to see you took my advice. It took a while to upload, but here's a video recording of me performing that review, if you want to watch it, of course. Sorry if it's a bit quiet.
http://youtu.be/fsiWWdNMLKM
your face when I'm not a girl
>> No. 126731
>>126669
Well, I can see why the guys at EqD said you knew your stuff. You're the first to make a comment about all of that, other than the commas. And yeah I'll probably take you up on that offer soon enough.
>> No. 126735
Title: The Wrong Place at the Right Time

By Little Jackie Papercut

[email protected]

Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe

The events of the series pilot reimagined in a universe where the Summer Sun Celebration that fateful year was held in Manehattan.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/60130/the-wrong-place-at-the-right-time

Looking for feedback on all chapters.

I've submitted this story to Equestria Daily once and been rejected due to technical and style issues. Pre-reader Seattle said:

Dear author,



I am currently unable to recommend your work for publication on Equestria Daily. Please see below for details. Note that the character > denotes a quote from your work.



Specific Issues:
Capitalization mistakes, especially with titles.
Go with italics for emphasis over full caps.
Italicize direct thoughts.
As a rule, do not hyphenate words ending in ‘ly’.
Rare comma splices.
Hyphen/En dash confusion.
Ellipses aren’t used to indicate interruption, nor are hyphens—that’s an Em dash’s job.
Rule of thumb—spell out numerals.


———



I’m actually impressed here author. You’ve got the solid makings of an engaging AU tale. Extra bonus (an slightly personal-bias) points for taking it from the Pilot episodes.



I strongly suggest you seek out a few reviews for grammar and thematic execution. Two prominent places to get quality feedback are mlpchan’s and ponychan’s /fic/ boards.



Check Eqd’s Editor’s Omnibus if you are unfamiliar or have questions regarding the noted issues.



This is strike one. Edit and revise thoroughly before resubmission, and note that the list above is not to be taken for a full comprehensive table of every mistake in the tale. Just be judicious, and I'm sure we'll be good to go on round two!



Best regards,
Pre-reader Seattle
>> No. 126737
>>126083
>>126298
Review of Jericho

Hello Crushric. This is the review of Jericho. Apologies for the long wait time, as I intended to get this done much faster.

Before we get started, let me give you a few disclaimers. Keep in mind, I am only a person with an opinion, so my ideas may clash with the story, or I may interpret things just plain wrong. My opinion isn't better or worse than anyone else's; it is just an opinion. So I would encourage you not to make blind changes without making sure you really understand where I'm coming from.

I do try to explain where my opinion is coming from and I believe the majority of what I say would hold up against a second opinion. I'd encourage you to seek out a second opinion, provided you make them aware of this review so they don't have to do a lot of redundant work. Also, if something I say doesn't make sense or isn't clear, I encourage you to ask questions.

Also, I don't speak German.

About your request:
>I have no real special requests, only that you hold nothing back.
In retrospect, I may have taken this request a bit too literally. Hopefully that explains some of the long wait time.
You may want to take some time to go through the review. I would recommend just giving it a quick skim initially and then going through it over the course of a few days to separate the rubbish from the actually useful stuff.

Without further ado, let's get started with the review.


Since you specifically mentioned Jericho as a Mary Sue, I will comment on this immediately.


You mentioned that he passes the Mary Sue test as an Anti-Sue and I can see that. However, I think you may have put a little too much emphasis on avoiding the typical traits of a Mary Sue character, and not enough into avoiding the spirit of a Mary Sue character.

The way I understand it, Mary Sue characters are discouraged not because of their special characteristics, but because they are unrealistic within their world. If they are excessively likeable, have few flaws, and are masters at every task, then of course they are unrealistic. This is what those tests look for. They try to get novice writers who erroneously think that giving their character every power in the world and letting them play the conquering hero makes for an interesting story.
However, this doesn't encompass everything about making a compelling character. We all know characters that are quite powerful and talented, yet still seem like well-rounded characters and not like Mary Sues at all. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, the princesses, and Discord would all fit. The difference is that the world doesn't bend to their talents. They struggle and encounter difficulties, even though they are powerful, and have to work their way through them. Their powers don't make the world lay down for them.

I agree that Jericho has very few of the superficial Mary Sue traits, but I also believe that you may have tried to take all of those away to the extent that he is unrealistic.

Let me start with a relatively superficial one: his accent. Or rather, his lack of an accent. An accent will often be included as a Mary Sue trait because novice writers may slap an accent on their characters to make them exotic.

However, your character is a foreign character. He's coming from a distant land that hasn't had any contact with Equestria. It is more unrealistic that he would be able to speak without an accent. Even if he "worked hard to get rid of it," I would still expect him to have an accent or at least speak anachronistically, similar to Luna, since no one from his society has visited Equestria in fourteen-hundred years and so he would have know idea which sounds he would need to work on to reduce his accent, but I'll explain this later. So while having him speak normally seems like it decreases his Mary Sue score, it really just makes him less realistic.

Continuing with this point, it seems like Jericho is only trivially a foreigner, in that it lets him mouth off about ponies in another language and he has a convenient excuse for when he's being an ass. He never stumbles over phrases and idioms, and the only word he has trouble with is "leather." Even if he's studied extensively, without practice speaking the language, he's likely to struggle and make silly mistakes that he doesn't know are mistakes. Even if he had someone to practice with, which would be extremely unlikely since it is a language from a country that no one has any contact with, and so would only be useful for academic purposes there would still be enough regional and cultural differences that he would run into trouble.

This leads in to the biggest problem I see with Jericho. The fact that he's a foreigner and that he tends to be rude never causes any inconvenience for him. He never does anything particularly embarrassing or awkward because he is unfamiliar with the culture. In fact, he seems rather savvy, even compared to a normal character, much less a recent traveller. Beyond disparaging other ponies in a language they don't understand and going on about his own culture, the only time his being a foreigner comes up is when he wants to use it as an excuse for his being a jerk and given his internal dialogue, he's aware of what he's doing.

Along the same lines, he doesn't seem to have to deal with the consequences of being a jerk. Yes, Rainbow Dash does decide that she dislikes him and he nearly gets in a fight over it which itself is rather implausible given that tensions are boiling over and Twilight and Applejack aren't the types to meekly mumble platitudes while ponies right in front of them are about to get in a fight, but given his confidence and arrogance, the conflict actually seems like his intended goal. However, for some reason this doesn't affect his relationship with several of her best friends and they seem content to help him along without an apology yes, he makes something up, but it is patently obvious that it is fake and not something he really means or even a real warning. Remember that Rainbow Dash is one of their best friends and if it's a question of supporting their best friend versus a new pony, they will almost certainly side with their friend.

Even after all his actions, the only other negatives he experiences is not having a place to stay temporarily except he walks out on Twilight as she's talking, for a second time, when she is about to offer, so that's not a real consequence at all and it's implied that Rainbow Dash had something to do with him getting rained on.

I can understand some leniency because he's a foreigner, but the other ponies aren't completely dense and they're going to notice that his actions form a pattern and aren't just a cultural misunderstanding. Even if they give him a benefit of the doubt, I can't imagine they would tolerate more than a one or two outbursts before giving an actual harsh warning about how those kinds of actions aren't acceptable.

Even with all of this, I wouldn't say that Jericho is a bad character okay, there are a few things that I don't think make any sense, but those are mostly backstory wise and not personality traits. He's very well developed as a jerk which makes him a refreshing change from the generally likeable protagonists in most stories. His personality would fit perfectly with a creeper pretending to be an exotic, helpless foreigner in order to seduce the locals susceptible to that type, even though the story certainly doesn't imply that However, I do think that the way he interacts with the rest of the world is not particularly realistic and that weakens the story. The canon ponies have no trouble distrusting other ponies and don't tolerate misbehaviour very well.

If you want him to be liked tolerated by a few of the main cast ponies, he's going to have to be less unapologetically rude. If he's going to continue acting the way he is, he should experience some consequences soon afterwards. Otherwise, it will read like wish fulfilment with the author letting his character have his way with the other characters of the universe. Even if you have some larger consequences planned for later, you'll need to include some immediate consequences or at least some indication that he won't get away with the same bad behaviour indefinitely. Otherwise, your readers have no reason to suspect otherwise.

So in short, Jericho doesn't have the stereotypical traits of a Mary Sue, but he does seem unrealistic because of how he doesn't seem very foreign and how he gets away with everything.


There's another aspect of the story that strikes me as particularly odd. It's not necessarily a mistake, or even something that's particularly obvious, it is something that may affect readers particularly pre-readers, if that is your goal.


I get the sense that this was a Human-in-Equestria that was hastily repurposed when you decided that you didn't want to do a HiE story. However, I try to never make a claim without giving evidence for it, so be prepared for another long chunk of explanatory text.

The first instance is when Jericho refers to his forelegs as "arms" in the first chapter. Now, this seems like a fairly insignificant detail, but it is the first clue and will likely prime readers to watch for other oddities. Back to the detail itself, it strikes me as very out of place. I suspect that you intended it as a characterisation of his culture, but that doesn't work because the word isn't in German. So, his countrymen wouldn't call them "arms," they would use a German word and it wouldn't make any sense to translate it. So having Jericho use "arms" is an unnecessary illogical detail within the story.

Other examples of this type of thing are his necessity for clothes, his carnivorous habits and physiology along with his leather clothing, and his familiarity with Judeo-Christian religion. These are all very human-like traits, but if he's intended to be human-like you may be wondering why I bring this up.

First, if he has all these human-like traits, why don't you just make him human? He doesn't seem to have any traits that require him to be a pony beyond ogling every mare, but he's supposed to be a jerk and that would fit fine with a jerk personality and he just seems to be a pony because he happens to be in Equestria. Even if you don't make him human, making him something that fits more naturally with the listed traits makes a lot more sense. A pony with all these unnatural characteristics stands out and strains a reader's immersion, because it defies expectations for no particular reason. In contrast, using a different species would disconnect from any reader expectations and so the human-like traits would be accepted as something that is natural for the other species. If it's absolutely necessary to make him a pony, then I would suggest making him actually a pony.

Second, his human-like traits make it easier to connect this with the typical Human-in-Equestria plot. Let me tell you the basic introduction structure of every single naive Human-in-Equestria story.
>A human comes to Equestria, specifically Ponyville.
>He yes, he is injured/exhausted/etc so he ends up spending the night with one of the main six. Usually Twilight or Fluttershy.
>The owner of the house gets one or more of the other main six to come see the new creature. If Twilight isn't already there, she shows up here.
>The human wakes up after one or more friends arrive. Introductions commence. The human will mention some vague goal, like going home or finding a new life that will conveniently fluctuate between important enough that he needs to leave right away and unimportant enough that whatever side adventure the plot needs pushes it aside.
>The human quickly gets better and despite the urgency of his goal, he puts it off and gets a tour of Ponyville. During the tour, he meets the rest of the main six.
>If he meets Pinkie, there's a better than ninety percent chance that she throws him a party.
>While he is awake, one of the main topics of conversation is how different things are in Ponyville compared to Earth. This is where the author disparages what he dislikes about modern society/canon/fanon/etc.
>At some point, he'll start mumbling about how the he needs to pursue said goal, and he'll either meet the background ponies that are going to be his co-adventurers or the relevant main six characters will insist on coming with him.

There you have it. That is how every single Human-in-Equestria fic starts off. There may be a few chapters beforehand, showing Earth or his method of transport to Equestria, but once the human gets to Equestria this is what happens. Every time. I'm sure the prereaders are painfully familiar with this.

Now, look at your own story. Does it follow this basic structure? The answer is yes. I can give you a point by point list if you'd like, but that's usually more demeaning than helpful. In fact, the main detail missing is that Jericho's not a human. Oh, right.

If your goal is EqD, then I expect it will be very difficult to get past the prereaders with this type of introduction. They've seen it a million times, and it generally doesn't lead to a particularly interesting fic.

However, the main issue with this plot is that the human character doesn't have a strong purpose. Because the goal is superficial, it doesn't drive him along at all, so he just meanders in the most boring way possible.

So my suggestion for fixing it: First, give him a concrete goal. It can be an actual statement of the Celestia/Luna vague thing that he mumbles about or it can be something as simple as getting a place to stay for the night, although he should have a larger fallback goal for once he achieves it. Then, at every point in the story, have him take (what he believes to be) the next action toward achieving that goal. If something more pressing comes up, then have he can adjust his priorities, just make sure you can justify why the new goal should be more important to him than achieving the original one. If he completes a goal, then move on to the next more pressing one. Repeat this until the end of the story.

If you follow this strategy for advancing the story, you will avoid more hackneyed plot structures. If your story happens to follow a typical plotline, it won't feel contrived because it will genuinely flow from the character's goals. Plus, it will likely diverge from the contrived path quickly due to your characters' unique motivations.

I'm guessing this will help with the previous issue of unrealistic reactions as well, since I get the sense that your desire to showcase Jericho with the mane six led to your usage of the rather contrived plotline, in which most of the offending actions occur. By following a more natural plotline, I believe that his reactions will in turn be more natural as well.


Next, I'll get started on point-by-point critique. I'll try to keep these shortish, considering the length of the review already.
>> No. 126738
>>126737 Part 1:

Chapter 1:

Line-by-line:
>no winds swept pass
Typo, should be past.


>just begging me to look at my side
Why is it important that he doesn't look at his side?Besides that it prevents the overt gore from appearing, but that's not an in-story reason, so it doesn't count. In story actions, you need to make sure each part is internally justified within the story and don't include things just because they are convenient for the author.


>There, some distance from the gaping maw of the Everfree Forest, lay a titan of red-flesh and steel armor, sprawled out on its back; regardless of its blank eyes, I felt as though its upside-down face was grinning at me, like it knew it had won in the end.

First, the semicolon isn't really appropriate here. Semicolons are usually used for two independent clauses where the second is basically a continuation of the first within the same thought.

Next, this may have just been my reaction, but it took several reads for me to realise that these had been defeated, so you may want to make this detail a little clearer because it is kind of important for the story. I would recommend removing the some distance from the gaping maw of the Everfree Forest, as that detail is not particularly critical for the story, and modifying the description to include description more exclusively related to death, as your only hints to his actual fate were the blank eyes, which can be just about any emotion from surprise to sadness and saying it had won in the end, which doesn't really have significance until you've read further in the story specifically, to where he visits the battle scene and talks about it later.


>feeling the huge furrow tearing my outfit
Consider removing this. This seems like it is just the remnants of much more graphic description and it doesn't really make sense with the rest of the sentence now.


>So that raised the question, What was it?
Yes, that does raise the question, which you neglected to answer. I understand that you are trying to draw attention to the flash of white without necessarily describing it, but when you raise a question, particularly in an obvious manner like this, it is good form to answer or at least address the question. Instead, you may want to transition to the next paragraph by mentioning something about celestial events triggering prayer or reminding him of gods or something like that.


>And I hate tomatoes! If I die now, I’ll probably spend all eternity in a room full of tomatoes!
Is this a reference to something that I don't know, or is it just a comment a couple logical jumps away from his grandfather's gardening. If it is the latter, you may want to fill in the logical jumps by mentioning that his grandfather was obsessed with gardening tomatoes.


>There, laying on the cold ground, was a longsword. As I neared it, I chuckled. With the deftest care near-death could afford me, I picked up the blade.
Why do you obfuscate that the sword is his? You can capture his emotions more readily by directly mentioning that he found his longsword and it's not like there are a lot of longswords laying around so he would expect it not to be his.


>For some reason as I looked at it,
Redundant. We know the context.


>my language shares 26%
It is generally bad form to use numerals in prose unless the number is both particularly large and particularly specific: eg twenty-six thousand, four hundred and one is awkward and better as 26,401.
Twenty six is small enough that it should be spelled out.
>my language shares twenty-six percent

>Then I was just laying there, like an animal, my ear pressed into the moist grass. A little cricket played me a song as I went down.
I would argue that the first sentence is redundant. It's pretty obvious how he's going to end up from context, plus it breaks chronological order with the second sentence.



Overall impressions: This chapter is very dark and this might be problematic for two reasons.

First, if your goal is Equestria Daily, this may not pass their gore filter. You've obviously euphemism-ed it quite a bit, but you are giving a significant amount of detail about severe injuries. However, this is more of a notice of something to be aware of than a suggestion of something to change.

If you do want to change it, you can probably get away with suggesting a pain in his side and avoiding a lot of the description of what he's going through as the large amounts of information between his actions in the story make them seem like they are particularly difficult and take a long time for him to complete.

On another side note, if that slowness isn't intentional and you intended for this sequence to take place quickly, you'll need to pare down the description in the chapter.


Second, this has a completely different tone than the other five chapters. This is the more serious of the two, because it has a high chance of heavily affecting your readership.
One of the main purposes of the introductory chapter is as a hook; it tries to lure them in by giving them a taste of what is to come. Because the hook should "catch" readers, reviewers often suggest that you start with a particularly potent scene. However, you need to take into account the second part of the sentence: that it should be a taste of things to come. In your case, you start off with a very dark, borderline gory fic. If that is what readers should expect from the rest of the story, that is fine. However, your next five chapters consist of idyllic Ponyville and Jericho's interaction with the other ponies, with no trace of the darkness, except for one paragraph at the very end.

Now I don't know which type of story you want Jericho to be, but if you want a significant audience, you would be better served by picking one and sticking with it. Right now, you need a very specific audience for the story right now. The introductory chapter is very dark, so if readers don't enjoy a dark story, they won't stick around past the first chapter. However, because the next five chapters don't have any hint of the darkness from the first chapter and in particular, the chapters don't give any indication that there will be more darkness in the future, if they are expecting more of the dark story or don't enjoy a slice of life story, they won't stick around through all five chapters to find the dark reintroduced.

For purposes of consistency and readership, I would recommend picking either a dark or slice-of-life atmosphere and sticking with it as much as possible. This doesn't mean the story should be entirely one or the other, as interludes — particularly in a dark story — can help with the tension curve, but the interludes should include reminders of the real story atmosphere and make it clear that the atmosphere is coming back. This will keep readers, who may only be interested in one type of story, interested while they work through the parts that don't suit their interest as much.


Chapter 2:


Line by line:
>If you wake up dead in the morning, your body drained of blood, you’ll be afraid of the dark.
Again, this is just my reaction, but my only reaction to this scene was confusion and after reading a little further, I just kind of ignored that he'd said anything. I think that this was intended to be a mysterious tone setting part, but it certainly didn't achieve that effect for me.

Now that I think about it, both the introduction to this chapter and the previous one seem very detached and metaphorical, which is odd because Jericho typically is a blunt, no-nonsense character. If you look back at the majority of the first chapter and this one, Jericho's descriptions are mostly sensory and the only time he really gets pensive and obsessive is when he starts talking about his culture and or language.

I actually did like the desire to wiggle part. That strikes me as a good initial reaction; it implicitly references that he's been immobile for a while and is just far enough from Jericho's normal urges to illustrate how he's in a novel unplanned situation. I would recommend you avoid the abstract thoughts of blackness and his realisation that he is still alive and start off with the concrete sensations. Those place the scene much more effectively, and your readers will figure out that he is still alive pretty quickly.


>the soft voice cried – and I mean ‘cried’ as in the kind with tears
This is the reason to use stronger verbs. Instead of using a verb that is close to correct and trying to explain what you mean, use a verb that works. I think wailed might work here, since the punctuation indicates a loud exclamation. Sobbed would also work, except you used it a couple lines up, so you might need to change that if you want to use it here.


>As the tendrils ... gave way to a thought:
This is more of the abstract, metaphorical stuff that doesn't particularly suit Jericho's narrative style.
Another example:
>The voice settled ... the unknown.


>Fluttershy shouted to herself
You switch from the first person narrative perspective here. Since you are writing in first person, you are only allowed to write with information the narrative character would know. Fluttershy shouting to herself is something that only Fluttershy or more importantly, a third person narrator would know
Also, it's pretty obvious that she's shouting at the patient, and not just shouting to herself.


>Obeying my orders, my eyelids rent asunder, consuming the details of everything before me.
First, what orders? His internal voice has been ordering him to move, not open his eyes and look around.

Second, this is the second time in four paragraphs that you use a form of the phrase "rent asunder." Since Jericho isn't speaking in Shakespearean English more on this point later, this is a phrase that should be used between zero and one time every four or five chapters, with the goal being to use it rarely enough that the reader forgets that you ever used it by the time you use it again.

Third, excuse my use of a category theory term here this is more of the abstract nonsense I mentioned above.


>from the twilight of my mind
Subtle, unnecessary foreshadowing here. I approve.


>the yellow mare, her voice going hoof-in-hoof with that of Fluttershy, replied, her knees shaking
I think the recognition that this is Fluttershy would be better served in a separate sentence. As written, the length of the realisation breaks the sentence, and so the continuation just seems awkward. To do this, I think you'll have to drop the knees shaking description, but doing that will fix the missing full stop, so things work out in the end.


>This is the part where I say something w-witty and clever and then pass out, right?
You don't really foreshadow his passing out at all. His perceptions seem perfectly clear after the initial haze clears and his descriptions don't show any of the disorientation that would signify impending unconsciousness.

Also, this is an example relevant to the Language rant, which will be much more appropriate at a later time.


>her voice piercing the veil of darkness
This type of description implies that he regains his vision since darkness is a visual phenomenon. However, later it becomes clear that this is not the case. I would recommend using a description that is more audio-centric, like veil of silence and possibly adding something that makes it obvious that he hasn't regained vision.


>We really should bring him to a proper doctor.”
>“I would if I could, but his condition is beyond unstable.
This begs, but does not address, the question of why he isn't in a hospital in the first place. He wakes up bandaged, so it's not like Fluttershy is just figuring out the severity of his injuries. In fact, given the scene where he goes back to where he was found, the amount of blood makes it pretty clear that he's severely wounded, so Fluttershy would have known right away that something was badly wrong. So why wouldn't she send him to a hospital right away instead of moving him into her house? He's close to her house, but not there already and generally if there is any damage from moving someone, it's caused mostly by the initial and final movements and not as much from the distance they have to travel. Since there's not a real difference between moving him to a hospital and to her house, why is he at her house?

In the absence of other justification, there are a couple ways I see of fixing this.
First, Fluttershy is not a medical pony; she is a veterinary pony, so if Jericho were not a pony, then it would actually make sense for him to end up at Fluttershy's house.

Second, if you aren't too attached to having him wounded initially, omit that scene entirely. It's a very cliche plot aspect anyway, and it leads into more cliches, so omitting it would make your story a lot more novel and original. If you started with him ending up out in the rain and meeting Lyra and, shortly afterward, Bonbon, you could skip the vast majority of the scenes that make Jericho seem unrealistic and the scenes that follow the cliched plotline. Furthermore, if you intend this to be a dark story, cutting out the extra chapters would let you foreshadow the dark atmosphere much easier.


>The eldritch tentacles of paranoia slithered up my spine once more, coiling themselves around my cerebrum.
More abstract nonsense. When you obfuscate your description like this, the vast majority of readers will at best, skip over it, and at worst, get confused and frustrated by your story.


>visage of a ludicrously hot mare
Considering that this is a as Jericho mentions later hardwired reaction, wouldn't this be the type of thing he would notice immediately when he sees them, not the second time.


>whose named I assumed was Twilight
You've already established that he knows names with images, so having the extra qualifiers is just cluttering your story.


>“I ain’t that hurt,”
This is a bit of a jump. Twilight's just shot down his attempt at flirtatious banter, so it doesn't make much sense for him to immediately jump to his wounds without any other context. Something like
>"Everypony is so serious. It's not like I'm dying."
would logically connect the comments within the situation.


>Fluttershy wouldn’t let me move. Which, when I thought about it, was probably for the better. Twilight was performing the rough equivalent of battlefield surgery on me
>If you're threatening to kill me, you’re doing a poor job
Jumping ahead a bit, but why exactly does he distrust Twilight and Fluttershy? As the first sentence testifies, he's clearly aware that they are attempting to heal him and everything spoken up to this point doesn't contradict this, so he would have no reason to suspect that their intentions are anything but altruistic.

You try to give a few reasons
>Let’s see: forcing me down, using strange magics on me, and threatening me
but he's aware of all of these already. Between the initial comment and the fact that he was awake and listening for Twilight talking about using a healing spell, all of those are things he should be aware of the reasons for. If he's clever enough to deduce their names, figuring out that Twilight and Fluttershy don't have malicious intentions shouldn't be difficult either.

Even if he has legitimate reasons to distrust them, his reaction is rather harsh and contradictory to the self-preservation instinct.


>Animals are usually okay with me nowadays. Children especially.
I'd much rather you develop his caustic characterisation with backhanded comments like this, than with scenes where he needs to actively antagonise other ponies.


>never payed attention
It's spelled paid.


>I'm trying to heal you!”
>“Heal me?” I mumbled.
You need to pay a little better attention to what you write. This is directly contradicted by what is said earlier.


>A blaze of conflagration tore my chest to pieces
This is both a redundant and ineffective description. Conflagration means fire, so you're effectively saying a fire of fire tore through his chest. If a reader knows the meaning of the word already, the description will fall flat. If they don't know the meaning, then they will likely be confused by a word that doesn't add anything to the sentence anyway.
Something like
>A blaze of pain
would be both clearer and less redundant.
>> No. 126739
>>126737 Part 1:
>>126738 Part 2:

This is still part of chapter 2 line by line, but this is the aforementioned language rant and is long enough to warrant its own collapse. This is also one of the largest plotholes I've noticed, and really don't see any way your current story addresses it.


>No one from Prussia’s even been on this side of the sea in over a thousand years, and our last friendly exchange with Equestria was ... when the Holy Equestrian Empire ruled over the Equestrian continent
You claim that no one has contact with Equestria in over a thousand years, yet somehow he manages to speak perfect modern Equestrian with all the slang and no accent. However, it is established in canon that Equestrian has changed drastically from when Luna was banished, since she spoke in an approximation of Shakespearean, even after she was back in modern society for at least a season, and there's even more canon evidence for the gradual change of language from how Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo use slang that Applejack doesn't understand and there's at most twenty years likely much less difference in their ages. You've established that the last contact between Prussia and Equestria was before Luna was banished, so the Equestrian language he could have learned would be either the Shakespearean that Luna spoke or a precursor to that, to speak nothing of the waves of slang that the language would have run through over a thousand years. Plus, there's the whole accent issue, as even Applejack, who grew up in Ponyville, speaks with an accent, so coming from a completely foreign country, Jericho would have no chance of matching the speaking accent.

Now I completely understand that you don't want to write a story entirely in Shakespearean English, especially with the narrator in first person. There are a couple ways I can see to fix it.

One would be to alter your timeline and the complete detachment between Equestria and Prussia. If you allow travellers between the two locations, he could have picked up the modern version of Equestrian from some of them. While his speaking would probably not be perfect, it would address why he doesn't speak in a completely foreign manner.

The second would be to make him speak in accented Shakespearean initially and grow better at speaking as he grew more familiar with the language and heard others speak. This would require some explanation as to why the narration is in understandable English, possibly implying it was post-written, and the development would be tricky. However, with all the HiE and similar fics out there, I've yet to see a fic that takes into account a language barrier, so if you are up to it, that could add an extra dimension to your fic.

If you deal with the background information, then there's the whole issue of how excessively savvy Jericho is with other ponies. It's as though he knows exactly how to act in order to convey the reaction he desires. This is incredibly unrealistic, as even slight local differences can completely change social dynamics, so somepony from a completely different culture would have absolutely no way to replicate and learn these.

However, Jericho manages to effectively provoke ponies when he wants to. He is coy when he wants to be coy, abrasive when he wants to be abrasive, and charming when he wants to be charming. He never attempts to be charming and comes off abrasive or attempts to be abrasive and comes off childish. Even though he superficially misses some of the information from Equestria, like not knowing about leather or about Rainbow Dash's personality, he is decidedly not foreign in how he is able to replicate the body language and mannerisms of another culture, which is something that would require exposure to the other culture and practice to get exactly right.

The closest he ever gets to an actual cultural faux pas is grossly underestimating the values of his gold coins when he stays with Lyra and Bonbon. I admit, that adding cultural idiosyncrasies is a difficult process, both to understand and effectively convey, but if you want to make Jericho a convincing foreigner rather than just an Equestrian character with a superficial shell.


Back to chapter 2 line by line:

>“Ow, you know ... year 1400 years ago.
This section is talking heads, where you don't show any body language or real character reactions at all, just dialogue. This can get monotonous and misses an opportunity to develop characters by showing how they react to the different subjects.
Also, I believe the first year was left in and should have been deleted. Finally, there's the obligatory fourteen hundred should be spelled out.


>the glorious manna ... would die, so I thought.
This is borderline abstract nonsense. Also, the so I thought at the end, struck me as very odd.


>Simple anesthesia spell. It was the first time I actually ever cast it
This seems out of character for Twilight. She's been very careful keeping Jericho alive up to this point and she's not the type to just cast a spell without checking that everything is in order. Well, the finale kind of invalidates this now, but it still seems more like Twilight that she would do her homework and prepare before trying something.


>I swear ... I’ll even ghostly steal your mail
Characterisation via backhanded comments is best characterisation.


>Like a beast who’s just sauntered into a tar pit, the soupy darkness enveloped me whole.
You've violated the parallel structure here. As the sentence is written, you compare the darkness to the beast, whereas the darkness should be the tar pit.


>Through my closed eyelids the light burned my eyes
>Gradually my eyes fell
>Rather quickly her smile took on
What happened to your editing here? I haven't noticed anything up until now, but in the space of a few paragraphs, you have three missing commas between dependent and independent clauses.


>I dimly noted I was still on that damn couch
Excellent characterisation.


>that suggest she wanted
Tense error here. Suggest is present while you've been working in past tense.


>my scrupulous eyes bore into her
Scrupulous is an odd word here, as it usually relates to moral character something Jericho has no claims to. It's also rather redundant as bore conveys the intensity effectively enough.


>side-to-side
Missing full stop.


>your head.” She muttered, “I should
When you try to reference dialogue following an attribution, if there is dialogue immediately before the attribution, readers will generally associate the attribution with the preceding dialogue. So as written, readers will instinctively read it as
>your head,” she muttered. “I should
I would recommend giving the attribution some space by adding supporting description. Something like
>your head.” Scratching her chin, she muttered, “I should
would clear up the ambiguity.


Since a significant number of my suggestions involve a heavy rewrite, I'm going to jump ahead on the line-by-line to the relevant parts that don't contradict my suggestions. From the line-by-line I've already done, you don't seem to have any systemic issues that would warrant further line-by-line in those sections, and correcting non-systemic errors would be counterproductive to those suggestions.


For your reference, the rest of the line-by-line starts in Chapter 6, at
>“Machine Spirit, give me strength,” I groaned, looking straight upwards.



As a general overview for this section, this was my favourite part of the story. Lyra is a well-developed character, and Bonbon seems pretty good so far. Most importantly, Jericho seems much more realistic in this section. His acerbic personality still comes through from his internal monologue, but it feels much more genuine since he's less overly confident and he no longer seems like he is posturing and trying to outdo the other ponies, but instead is just trying to do his best to fit in with the culture, which is exactly what a foreign character, who is interested in the new country, would do.


My suggestion for a complete rewrite would be to start the story as close to here as possible. If you can avoid having Jericho wounded and start the story with Jericho entering town in a rainstorm, possibly being rejected by an inn for not having the appropriate currency, and then meeting up with Lyra, that would avoid the majority of the issues I've mentioned and would let you get to the meat of the story much faster.


>Squeezing it for good measure, I let the world drift thither away, and it slunk hither and yon.
If you were trying to make Jericho talk in Shakespearean, then you are well on your way. However, it doesn't match most of the rest of the narration.

>I rent my eyes asunder
Except this. It matched this okay.

When you use antiquated phrases like these, you will generally break your readers' immersion, simply because the obscurity of the language prevents them from fully understanding on a first pass.


>“Wha–’?”
The apostrophe is unnecessary, as the emdash illustrates the cutoff.


>“You can let go now.”
I'm not entirely certain whether this is a cultural faux pas, the result of a bit of a crush, or some of both, but it adds greatly to the characterisation and lets the reader's imagination play with the character, which is exactly what you want.


>Have you heard the latest news from the other side of the nation?
This seems entirely too formal for the conversation that they are having. I would recommend just grabbing the next sentence Lyra says, restate that as a question, and get rid of this line entirely, as that will maintain the light, conversational tone.


>“To where do we go?”
>“Hmm? Where are we going, you mean?
This is the first time Jericho makes a basic English mistake and it is absolutely excellent. This is exactly the type of thing a character who knows the language, but isn't experienced with the culture would say.


>“Had planned on it.” I hesitated. “Why?”
>She made a hard turn right, and I nearly had to gallop to stay with her.
Having these two sentences together makes it seem like her running away is somehow caused by his response, which doesn't strike me as your intention. If my guess is correct, I would recommend adding some off-the-cuff comment explaining the sharp turn. Something like:
>"Oops, almost missed it."


>It was simple ... as an instrument.
This strikes me as better description than that I flagged earlier. The best justification for this is I think the vocabulary. In a lot of the other descriptions, you tried to use particularly advanced vocabulary which obscured the meaning. Here, you use simpler vocabulary, and while the description is still flowery, it comes across clearer.


>There, folding the umbrella, was the naked lady, remarkably dry for all things considered.
The asymmetrical awkwardness of this scene is delicious. You do an excellent job portraying Lyra as seeing nothing particularly out of the ordinary, while making Jericho come off as deliciously awkward.


>As completely unrealistic as this situation is, we’d best play along. No telling what could offend these people.
Why wasn't this his perspective while he was in Fluttershy's house? Or while meeting any of Twilight's friends? This is the motivation that a foreign character unfamiliar with the culture should have.


>cup filled with a semi-opaque brown liquid
This is fantastic characterisation of Jericho as a cynical character. These subtle references do more to portray your character than the overt displays do. When you use an overt display, like the stunt with Rainbow Dash, readers are much more likely to question the outcome. When you use subtle details, they question the details, but the characterisation comes through and actually gets stronger because they fit the details into their mental framework for the character.


>her body language just then suggested that she’s not lying
Actually describe the body language here. By describing the body language, you add depth to Lyra by showing how she reacts, to Jericho by showing what he looks for, and to the scene by giving the reader extra detail for their imaginations to play with.


>it tasted like a substance almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea
Backhanded comments like these are another great source of depth for the characters.


>my answers have been prayered.” I blinked. “Prayers been answered.”
This is also quite excellent, but not for the reason you might think. This doesn't count as a cultural language blunder, since he knows how to fix it. However, it does show off how nervous and flustered he is, without you needing to resort to lots of description.


>Monster! Off the Coast of Balitmare!
Hi there, Dr. Chekhov. I think you left your gun here.

Ahem, in all seriousness, this is a pretty blatant instance. If that is your intention, then you can ignore this. However, if you want this to be subtle, you'll need to shrink or more likely eliminate the long description from the article, and add in several other stories to make it slightly less obvious.


>Today we add a new monster to that list of those that fascinate us
I love how you subtly emphasise the low quality of the paper by including a missing comma after the conjunctive adverb at the beginning of the sentence.

Or you forgot the comma, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.


>it wasn’t Lyra’s but that of another mare
This one you forgot the comma before the conjunction. A general rule is that if the conjunction states a contrary detail, like but always does, you need a comma beforehand.


The scene with Bonbon and Lyra first entering is excellent. It gives a great perspective on the dynamic between Lyra and Bonbon, and gives vivid characterisations to each.


>‘Ich kreigs im Kopf,’ I mentally groaned. ‘I'm about to go nuts.'
>“Sie wissen, ich kann Sie hören, ja?” I muttered, shaking my head. Meaning: You know I can hear you, right?
Giving the meaning in English an overt construct like Meaning: is pretty ineffective and will break reader immersion. Unfortunately, fimfiction doesn't have something like hover translation, so I would recommend deleting the previous sentence and adopting the method used there or having his thoughts in English make clear what the meaning of the German sentence is. Something like
>'They have to know. I talked to them and everything.'

>Fräulein [froy-line]
Having in-line pronunciation cues is the same way. I would recommend just using an appendix for pronunciation. Perhaps a separate g-doc would work.


>‘Household politics at play, methinks.’
This is pretty redundant. It's clear what's going on between the two.


>And since you’ve been so kind to me thus far, I’d hate to be rude by accepting it.”
>“But then where would you go? Back to the park?” she asked.
This is more of an informational disconnect than a true cultural faux pas, but the reason I note this is Lyra's reaction. She doesn't react to the passive-aggressive comment that makes it clear he would like to accept the offer, but asks a question which really isn't relevant to the situation. Lyra asking that question immediately makes the implicit assumption that she understood his admittedly odd reasoning and accepted that he is permanently refusing her offer which isn't how I would interpret that section at all, and is now trying to convince him otherwise. It seems to me much more likely that his reasoning would catch her off guard and once she understood what he was saying, she would question his assumptions about refusing an offer.


>I made mental note that she was an earth pony
Again, this strikes me as the kind of thing he would notice right away.


>I found a smile on my face as I heard the furious whisperings of the mares
More excellent characterisation. This time, to use a word borrowed from German, his Schadenfreude, even at the expense of a mare who is trying to help.


>‘I'm glad I've got tons of that gold shit just sitting around in my pack. But, hey, now I know that Equestrians will accept my random coinage.’
I'd be curious to know why he underestimates the value of gold. If he's looted it, it must be worth something to him, but he clearly underestimates the cost of a night's stay.


I will say this again because it deserves to be said. The scene with Lyra and Bonbon is by far the strongest scene in the fic. Hopefully my comments can help you get some idea about why.


As a person with some idea of how structures work, your lock metaphor strikes me as particularly odd. For one, the lock on the door is very rarely the weak point of the entryway, so it's usually much easier to smash through the door than a lock itself. So adding a bigger lock rarely adds any strength to the system. It would make more mechanical sense for him to keep strengthening the door and then have someone accidentally leave it unlocked.
However, this is mostly me taking the metaphor a bit too literally, and I do get the idea about what is going on, so it's not critical that this is changed.


The ending was more confusing than potent. There was the whole lock metaphor that threw me off a bit, but that is probably just me.
I understand that the thing setting Jericho off was a human, and I think it is all in his head, but it's not clear what set it off, or even if my guess is correct.

It's also clear that the ending is supposed to be a cliffhanger, but instead of anticipation for the next section, I mostly felt a general confusion. Perhaps dropping hints or red herrings about the source of the mental breakdown might make things clearer.

Also, if the mental breakdown represents a significant change in Jericho's character, it may be a good idea to introduce the metaphor earlier and reiterate it as a way to describe his mental state. That way, when it breaks, it is more significant than something that was introduced only a paragraph before.
>> No. 126740
>>126737 Part 1:
>>126738 Part 2:
>>126739 Part 3:

I'm done with line-by-line for this review, but I'll touch on a few things that seemed particularly out of place when I read through the other chapters.


>I’d rather call you Miss Twilight
This struck me as rather interesting characterisation for Jericho. Even though it is more overt than I usually recommend, it does give the imagination a lot to play with regarding his character.

On a related note, it seems like you try to develop Jericho in these initial chapters by having him talk about what he does and how he acts. In contrast, he doesn't directly talk about what he is like in the Lyra/Bonbon scene and instead reacts and uses subtler backhand comments. To use an overused phrase, this is exactly show vs tell. When he talks about what he is like, we understand the information, but we don't really experience it. When you show the ideas through reactions and subtler methods, that lets our imaginations play with the ideas and experience them in a deeper level.

>“You are a—” she hesitated “—a pony, right?”
>“Nope,” I said flatly. “I’m a changeling who has a fetish for hats, dusters, and photoshoots.”
Given the revelation about their differences in teeth, and the fact that he was just as, if not more, surprised by her teeth as he was by his, sarcasm strikes me as a largely inappropriate response given his mental state. Yes, he is naturally derisive and more prone to sarcasm than most, but sarcasm generally requires a sense of superiority, which would be blocked by his confusion and surprise.

Yes, you do have a nice sarcastic rant afterwards, but there are plenty of things he can be sarcastic to Twilight about later.


>I'm not your mother last night!
But he's a pony, they wouldn't need to bend over to—
Actually, that's probably not important. Moving on.


>“The word you wanted was ‘doesn’t’, not ‘don't’,” she added helpfully, throwing a cute little smile my way.
>“I know that.”
This is another example of him being overly savvy. Even if he was just covering his mistake, which seems to be implied, in his sarcastic responses for covering his mistake, he correctly uses several other slang terms. He would have no way of knowing these, since he is supposed to be the only pony from Prussia to get to Equestria in thousands of years.


>What, do you want to fight over it?
The initial meeting with Rainbow Dash escalates far to quickly. Twilight and Applejack are right there, and aren't going to sit by and let things get too far. Both Applejack and Twilight have shown that they aren't afraid to grab Rainbow Dash by the tail and stop her when they think she's going overboard, and Jericho's baiting is obvious enough that it wouldn't be tolerated. He might get the benefit of the doubt that he was a foreigner, but he'd certainly get a "I don't know what culture you're from, but that's not acceptable here," before anything could get farther than this line.

This scene is another example of his unusual facility with intricacies of a language that he's only spoken colloquially for less than a day. He seems to know exactly how to provoke Rainbow Dash, answering her questions when it is appropriate to keep her attention and given non-answers when a real answer would defuse the tension. This is something I could see working if he'd had a lot of practice and a decent amount of time to acclimate to the culture, but on his first day, he would have to rely on the subtle digs that would work in his own culture, but likely would cause confusion or awkwardness in Equestria, or use more overt methods later on. This scene would make much more sense if it occurred after he was familiar with the place and has had a few encounters with other strongheaded Equestrians, so he can learn what sets them off.


>“I don’t suppose ... it was a cultural problem.”
This is something I realise is fairly symptomatic of your writing. However, I believe someone much wiser than me said it best. http://youtu.be/sFBhR4QcBtE

In this section, you have Twilight vocalise exactly how she feels and exactly her motivations for taking the action. This is incredibly unrealistic dialogue, because while someone might think these things in their head, they don't usually say them outside.

However, good dialogue is often unrealistic, as real dialogue often contains a lot of nonsense that would be awful for your readers to slog through. However, this exists on the wrong side of that unrealistic line. Instead of trimming off the uninteresting bits, you take the bits that normal speaking would omit because they are so mundane, and have her say those. Use subtlety. Your readers probably already know her motivations from the situation, and those will come through as long as she doesn't say something completely unexpected.
If she says something like,
>"I'll give you a second chance. Just don't pull anything like that again or you're on your own."
they'll understand why.
This is probably still to close to saying exactly how she feels, but it gives you an idea.


>for a nation whose ruler has been the same mare for over 1400 years, your language reflects an incredibly sexist and anti-female culture
>Let’s see, and how many words for it does Equestrian have
I'm guessing a lot of readers will react to this the same way I did, which is "I think you're confusing Equestrian and English." I understand that you are using English as Equestrian as that is the language that is spoken in the show, but you mentioned in the previous sentence that Equestria is female dominated, so it wouldn't make a ton of sense for the language to follow the same bias as English, which evolved as a primarily male-dominated language.

Obviously, the show isn't itself going to touch on Equestrian slurs for a sexually-active female, and it would probably shy away from using language that is inherently gender biased, as those examples are relatively rare in English. However, we do see how the show deals with words that rely on human anatomy. In the majority of cases, they adjust it to invoke equine anatomy instead. So it makes the most sense that the language would have naturally evolved to be female dominated, rather than male dominated.

Granted, there are valid arguments that such a gender bias would continue to exist even with a female dominated society controlling the development of language. Realistically, this doesn't matter that much for your story, as the main reason to omit that section would be because I would expect the vast majority of your readers would stop reading, try to decide whether or not that makes sense, and then possibly go back to the story. In the meantime, any momentum and immersion you've built would be completely obliterated and the reader will need to take some time to get back into the story again.

Also, as a reviewer, I'm legally obligated to tell you to spell out the number.

>we don’t even have a word that directly translates into pony
This is another example of taking the Earth-Pony Universe languages a little too seriously.


>(speaking objectively; ours is fine-tuned for science)
These types of interruptions kill immersion. If he's going to say it, just have him say it outloud. Plus, Twilight is scientifically literate enough relativistically consistent equations on the blackboard in It's About Time that I can't imagine she would need to ask about kilometres.
Another side note: How does he know what measurement system Equestria uses anyway? He's intelligent enough that I can't imagine he would assume that it hasn't changed for over a thousand years.


>“Proy-sen,” she repeated slowly, try her hoof at the word Preußen.
This is the way to give readers pronunciation cues within the story. The interruptions within narration just break immersion, whereas doing something like this gives an opportunity to illustrate character depth.

Also, I suppose I'm obligated to point out the tense error on try.


Careful with your proofreading. I'm noticing a lot more errors than normal in Chapter Four, even though I'm just reading for general points.


>Technically I'm sort of with the military
No, he's not. There's not a military in any world that would produce someone as undisciplined as Jericho is. Especially not the German military.

Some combat training and experience is a given with his character. I could definitely see him being a military drop-out or more likely discharged for insubordinate behaviour. But he's illustrated none of the discipline that would be second nature to a member of the military.


These early chapters strike me as a concentrated dose of author opinion, mostly about German vs English and bits of canon that you disagree with or want to mock. I would recommend omitting many of these rants and at least spacing them out. A few of them give a picture of Jericho's abrasive personality and loyalty to his own culture, but so many in quick succession gets monotonous very quickly. Considering that literally all that he is doing is commenting on the differences between his culture and language and meeting Twilight's friends, and there aren't that many of Twilight's friends, you can get an idea of how thick these chapters are with these observations.

Especially if your story is intended as a dark, action type story, random bits of background information can help defuse the tension after a battle and keep readers from getting overloaded. My recommendation is use them like salt in a recipe. A little bit of salt makes just about everything taste better, but if it's all the reader gets to taste, they aren't going to like it very much.


>With a loud gasp the mare jumped into the air, spun around, then bolted away from me
Don't do this. I know what is going to happen. It's never a good idea.


You use underline for emphasis in dialogue. Typical practice is italics, and if the passage is already in italics, the emphasis is with normal text.


There's something that strikes me as off about the second scene where he nearly gets in a fight with Rainbow Dash, but I can't quite put my finger on it. However, I've taken long enough already, so I'll just mention it here and give an addendum if it comes to me later.


>But since I need to be here till the morrow
He's never explained why he needs to stay in town over night. It's not like he needs to stock up on supplies and he's a seasoned adventurer, so he wouldn't have any trouble camping at night, so why would he need to stick around? Besides the ever present author's hand wants it to be so.It's Pinkie's party, isn't it? He has to stay in town for some unspecified reason so Pinkie can throw him a party. Excuse me while I go destroy something.

Back to the actual review. His intention to leave early in the morning just after waking up indicates that if he has a reason, it is not so much an event that he is waiting for, but that he is waiting for a set time instead. However, sleeping on a bench isn't going to be any better than camping, so why doesn't he just get started going to Canterlot right away?


And, that's enough for now.

If you have questions, feel free to contact me. My email is in the tripcode or you can make a post in the thread.

As always, the best thing you can do to improve is to keep writing. If my opinions can help you improve, that's great, but don't let any feedback prevent you from writing what you want to.

Best of luck on your literary journeys.
>> No. 126749
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126749
>>126737
>>126738
>>126739
>>126740

First of all, I would like to offer you my hearty thanks. Thank you for taking the time out of your days to help an awful writer like myself.

Second of all, your notes on the Lyra scene were really great. I think I'll take your advice, scrapping the first few chapters in favor of one where we arrives during a rainstorm, and then pick up where he met Lyra. I'd actually jostled that idea around in my head before, and the scene with Lyra came about as a brand new scene after I completely rewrote Jericho from the ground up.

Whenever I used those bits of “abstract nonsense” was in an attempt to use the words to convey the idea that he wasn't quite right in the head. When he's normal, none of that writing happens. Whenever something in his head is wrong or otherwise off, his words get like that. But I can see how me trying that is rather pretentious, and will be fixed when the whole rewrites come about.

When you said that Jericho should use the German word for “arm” instead of the English word “arm”, I chuckled. The German word for arm is Arm (yes, that noun is supposed to be capitalized), the plural is Arme, and the words in most grammatical cases is changed into Armen. Jericho's use of it is something of him being stubborn and thinking that the word “foreleg” is stupid.

And, and though you said you knew nothing of German, why is there German in your name, Cartoongeld. Das Geld is German for money. I was just curious about that.

The phrase “slice of life” would never work for this story. The reason is, the morning of the day after the last chapter, Jericho hitches a train up north, and that chapter ends with him killing a little monster as he journeys into a northern swamp, in search of the plot. Pinkie's party does not happen, since Jericho is literally miles north, doing dark things that are part of his real reason for being in Equestria. I'm sorry that you destroyed something, since Pinkie's party does not happen, since he leaves before she can ever do that.

It is explained how Jericho knows Equestrian so well, or at least it was. That part was actually stricken out, since it was large and, I felt, clumsy. Basically, Prussia has no contact with Equestria, but Prussia was contact with nations that Equestria has contact with. So they know of Equestria through buying dictionaries from there traders and from learning from these distant merchants. That, and Jericho spent years with an Equestria male changeling named Mr. Welch, long story as to why that is but it is explained in chapters unseen.

Last of all, Jericho was always a pony. Never once did he have fingers, hands, toes, or anything. (Ignoring how I re-appropriated the German Hand to mean 'forehoof', and Fuß to mean 'hinterhoof'). The reason the plot goes like it does was on purpose, to mess with the HiE formula but with a foreigner pony. It was an experiment to see if that way of introduction worked for anything else. I see now that that answer is, probably not. So I shall create a new chapter one, make Jericho more subtle but still the same pony, and all those other really great ideas you suggested.

Okay, another thing. When I get that chapter done, could I ask for to review that? Please? I promise that that story will, in that case, be much, much shorter.

Extremely grateful for your great help,
— Crushric.
>> No. 126750
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126750
>>126729
I'll be taking this, since the queue seems to be hopelessly backlogged again.

Expect a review in a few days.
>> No. 126756
>>126755
I think your missing a q.
>> No. 126759
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126759
>>126511
>>126716
I totally get why everypony takes three days to look at a story now: Life gets in the way. Unfortunately, I have made no progress on this story, and I will have to relinquish my claim on it. Sorry, but I don’t have the time.

>>126756
You're missing an "e".
>> No. 126760
LINK: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1StkdWfOXIm87DEzl4TkfZFZcBrzr30yTKOQiPnC7qos/edit?usp=sharing

TAGS: <adventure><dark><sad>

SYNOPSIS: After a chariot en route to Canterlot crashes in the middle of the Auxois Forest, Twilight, her friends, Cadance, and Shining Armor find themselves in a race against time as they try to find the cause of the accident and answer the two questions they have: Who killed them, and why?

AUTHOR NOTES: Yeah... it's me. Real life had to borrow me for quite a while, but now I'm back. I threw out my old stories, as the whole Twilicorn thing just doesn't work with them.

I present to you a pile of crap that I need help editing. I've already gone over it twice, but I just can't seem to get it to sound right. I've got a very brief plot description at the beginning if you have any questions. I offer my sincerest apologies to whoever reads this abomination.
>> No. 126761
>>126759
...
So I am...
Touche, my worthy opponent!
>> No. 126763
Tags: [Slice of Life], [Comedy]

Synopsis: Soil Tiller has had no luck in selling her produce anywhere else in Equestria, and is hoping for better fortune at Ponyville’s farmer’s market, despite the odd looks she's gotten and strange stories she’s heard about the town. But they all can't be true, right?

Link: (gdocs w/ comments enabled): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GIyIU9wSsB6OgL6GP_DEtF4pIlsuzLXPlsHA8IeKYE8/edit?usp=sharing

Comments: This is probably my first Slice of Life story, and admittedly built on a single specific joke, but fleshing character and humor out with small vignettes (my goal in writing this). (fwiw, it is a post-s3-finale time setting)

I know the p's and q's needed for proper punctuation, etc. from an EQD-posting standpoint and those I still need to review myself. So I'm not looking (at least, yet) at a detailed copyedit. (Mind you, I have gone through and started working on such copyediting, so this is far from a rough draft.) I'm looking more for critique on a few specific points that I've had some problems with before.
- Showing vs telling. As most is from the POV of a single character, there's a lot of "internal dialog" aspects that I want to make sure is okay (which you sorta have to tell), as well as making sure that with the other characters I'm showing, not telling.
- Purple Unicorn Prose - Again, with a new character from her POV, the mane cast + existing bg characters are introduced via their looks, so there's necessary purple prose, though I try to quickly get past that. I want to double check on this facet.
- Accent - Soil Tiller I've envisioned as a mid-western farmer (Iowa, Kansas, etc.) compared to Applejack, who generally has a more southern one. It may be impossible to distinguish in text alone, but any help or suggestions with how to represent her dialog better to get the accent/drawl right would be great.

And of course, any general story/characterization aspects would be welcome. I've left the gdocs above open to comments.

Last edited at Thu, Feb 21st, 2013 10:29

>> No. 126769
File 136149549357.jpg - (109.36KB , 550x369 , Ambition.jpg )
126769
Title: Ambition
Name: Mr. Spiffy
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Light Grimdark] [Comedy] [Alternate Universe] [Adventure] [Human]

Synopsis: Equestria is known as a utopia that is free from the horrors of crime, war, and political unrest, but this utopia is not maintained without sacrifice. Those that would threaten to taint the perfect world of Equestria are erased, both from the collective memory and the world by government forces, unknown to the blissfully ignorant public.
Starlight, however, is not part of the blissfully ignorant public, and has plenty of motivation to hate these forces that silently dictate the country. His goal is an impossible one; to free Equestria from these tyrannical forces. However, he is not alone on his quest, as he soon finds himself visited by an alien entity that calls himself Ambition, who offers Starlight a deal that just might make his impossible goal a bit more plausible.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/82604/ambition

Chapters that I would like reviewed: all, if possible

Comments: I'm God awful with commas and semicolons so don't be surprised if I make a lot of errors involving them.

Also, this was in these other threads >>124723 >>123480

Last edited at Wed, Feb 27th, 2013 14:06

>> No. 126771
>>126749
I'm glad you found the review useful.

>Lyra scene
The main strength of the Lyra scene was the way you showed the depth of the characters. The events aren't terribly interesting on their own, but you showed the dynamics and depth of the characters with their gestures, inflection, and dialogue. I know all characters won't be quite this well developed, but if you can use this as your primary method of developing the characters, you'll be in great shape.


>those bits of “abstract nonsense” was in an attempt to use the words to convey the idea that he wasn't quite right in the head
In retrospect, using this term was a terrible idea.

The term "abstract nonsense" doesn't actually mean you are using nonsense. The mathematical term refers to when you use a sophisticated, category theoretic argument that abstracts away all the little details that ground the proof.

So when I said his words were "abstract nonsense," I meant both that they were oddly advanced and they took away the realism and harshness of the character.


>your name, Cartoongeld
You are probably the only person who thought German when seeing my username. However, it doesn't have German origins, it's just an anagram. Well, the two people who's names I used happen to be German, but those aren't really German originsAlso, bonus points if you can guess the names.


>in search of the plot
Be very careful about unmotivated actions like this. I expect you mean this as from an outside view, but scenes without internal motivation that exist only to advance the plot tend to come across as transparent to the reader.


> So they know of Equestria through buying dictionaries from there traders and from learning from these distant merchants
I did get this sense from what you hinted at within the story, which is why I never questioned his vocabulary. However, the only real way to learn a language is by using it. If he's learning from dictionaries, he's going to run into issues forming sentences and with grammar that he doesn't know is an issue.

>Jericho spent years with an Equestria male changeling named Mr. Welch
When I saw that in the story, I thought it was a reference to some outside material that I hadn't seen before. Even if the story is long, you can hint at bits of the story and readers will get the general idea of how he became fluent.

This might help him get a sense of how the language is actually used, but he's going to run into the undoubtedly many idiosyncracies of a hive creature who is living in a foreign country different from the foreign country he'd mostly lived in beforehand. For a silly, but useful example, see http://youtu.be/U8Y1N1pwB64

Even if Jericho has become basically fluent, these are the types of errors that he would make. He would say things that are obviously wrong or nonsensical to native speakers, but he would be perfectly confident saying them until someone else points out the mistake.


>to mess with the HiE formula
There's a reason the HiE formula leads into poor stories. It doesn't give you much to build off of.


I'd be happy to look at the new chapter.
>> No. 126774
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>>126729
>pic very related

Okay, this isn't going to be pretty. I'm sorry, but your fic is quite remarkable in the sense that I could barely finish the 3.2k words that you offered up.
Here's a GDoc version of your fic with my stream-of-consciousness comments:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HUxtN_O-JvqQcpayLyYU5QqyLrFdo-kdzF2HDc01iv0/edit

I'll list down the main problems in your fic here:
a) No Commas Syndrome
I'm sorry, but you need to go back and read up on proper punctuation. Bleeding Raindrops was being kind when you said your punctuation need work. Your fic now is just a right mess. Missing commas, improper dialogue punctuation, even some missing periods as well. There's just too many for me to highlight on the GDoc and I'm not certainly going to edit it for you. Your entire fic suffers heavily from this, almost to the point of unreadability.

I'm just going to link this:
http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/

Read and apply what is being taught in your fic.

b) Incoherent plot (Or Bad Crossover Syndrome)
There was a lot of times when I read your story and went: what the **** is going on? Not knowing the crossover in question probably compounded the problem. In the first page alone, these three questions popped up:
- Why is Twilight a skeleton? (And why the **** is she smoking?)
- Why is everypony else dead?
- Is this even Equestria?
And none of them is answered to my satisfaction over the course of the chapter. While I understand you're trying for a crossover, this isn't the way to go about it. Ideally, the reader should be able to follow the story without knowing the crossover material and going WTF? every second line. Yours, unfortunately, fails this criterion.

c) Poor narration/narrative style
Okay, this one is more subjective, but I really dislike your narrative voice. Take your first paragraph:
>Twilight sat in her leather upholstered chair one hoof on her desk and the other propped up against her skeletal cheek. It had been a slow day at the M.O.D or Ministry of Death if you wanted to be technical. Yes today was moving by tediously slow it was almost driving Twilight to insanity. She needed to work just like when she was alive. Working was just in her nature. Of course it had been a slow day ever since Trixie had been hired, but that wasn't the point, and as Twilight lifted a cigarette to what was once a mouth she found herself staring out her window onto the sprawling Metropolis of Tartarus City as she often did.

Ignoring the obvious mechanical flaws, the narrative wavers between a limited third person mixed with dangerously informal author self-insert (with things like "if you want to be technical") It's clumsy. It's awkward. And it sure as hell didn't grab me. Were it up to me, I'll start by cutting every single instance in where you try to "talk" to your readers. They only really work if you're aiming for that sort of style from the start. Or in children's books.

The next paragraphs then infodumps about Tartaurus to which I have no interest and has zero bearing on moving the plot forward. And you continue in this style throughout the chapter. What makes it worse however, is how little your supposed infodumps tell me about your version of Equestria/MLP. Sure, you tell us about Tartaurus, but then you neglected to tell us how does it relate to Equestria at large. How does it differ from the show? I certainly don't know.

d) Characters
Each and every single one of your characters are two-dimensional and flat so far.
Twilight is a broody, angsty workaholic. Everything about her revolves on how she hates the world. (or Trixie. Or Blueblood) There is really nothing else I can discern from your version of Twilight.
Trixie is her shallow self.
Blueblood is just... there.

That's not even mentioning you never answered why is every single cast of FiM you introduced so far is in Tartaurus. WHY?

Still here? Good.

I... I don't know. I don't want to discourage you from writing. But this is shockingly bad/lazy. I think you need to sit down, and read up on the basics of English. Read more, either prolific fanfics in this fandom or published books by respected authors. Get a feel of what they did right.

Then? Then try again. I wish you the best.

tl;dr: Plagued by numerous mechanical errors. Flat characters. Poorly executed crossover.
>> No. 126785
File 136160069099.gif - (73.15KB , 450x325 , Dr_ Cat dance.gif )
126785
>>126620
Okay and we begin this medical report. Patient has numerous complications which need to be addressed. Let’s start from the top.

First we have grammar 101 errors. “Let me give you a typical sentence,” said Dr. Cat. See that? Note the lack of capitalization on the said and that the period in the quotes is replaced by a comma. “Now if I wanted to shout this!” screamed Dr. Cat, “I would keep the exclamation (or question mark if I wanted to question something) but the speaking verb remains lowercase.” If you’re going to get on EQD this is a problem that most certainly needs to be solved.

LUS was another major issue.You frequently refer to the wonderbolts by rank for no other reason to avoid name repetition. This is major flaw that many new writers fall into. Remember, if you’re doing it to avoid name repetition its probably wrong.

Telling, yet another one of the sins committed by your second foray into writing. Rather than saying somepony feels happy describe them making expressions of joy. Instead of having the narrator just say x liked y try and use dialogue and descriptions to show it. Writing a story is all about making the words on the page as real as possible and unfortunately your story gets very two dimensional in several places.

Let’s talk about formal narration specifically how to use it. See coming from an omnipresent narrator with no character it’s odd to see slang like ‘Bolts or pet names like Dashie. Now sometimes this can work if you’re trying to develope the narrator as their own character but it never seemed to be your intention to do so. As such what I advise is: spell out the words and be formal in your formal narration.

There are quite a few smaller problems like all caps (Canterlock as you called it), overuse of ellipses, and issues with cutting. Let me be frank; there needs to be a lot of editing for this to be EQD worthy but, with perseverance and determination this can be salvaged. To assist you I’m putting a few helpful links here to look at if you have the time.

1. Cereal’s writing guide (writing guide a la carte but a good read none the less) http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html

2. Ezn’s guide (explains almost everything you need to know about writing any type of fiction) http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/

3. Editor’s omnibus (like Cereal’s guide but with the added benefit of telling you what the pre-readers expect of you as an author in order to get that coveted EQD publishing slot.) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit

These are the three biggies to look over but if you can nab a copy of Writing Fiction for Dummies from a library or something I definitely recommend that as well. And most importantly of all don’t get discouraged and don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all make the basic mistakes and all you need is friendly, experienced, straight-talker to work you through the adventure of writing. Well my time is elapsed but feel free to drop by my surgery wing if you so desire for further help. I apologize for my hardware failures and wish you the best of luck. Happy Hunting!

Last edited at Fri, Feb 22nd, 2013 23:23

>> No. 126787
>>126785

Well, this will definitely get me moving again. I appreciate the analysis and especially the links. I will check those out as soon as I get a little spare time.

For the most part you pointed out problems I already knew I had; which I find encouraging. I will save a copy of your post and refer back to it when I make further edits beyond spot checking the things you already tagged.

Also, I feel you with the hardware problems. I had a hard-drive die on me a few months ago. Not fun.
>> No. 126800
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126800
>>126771

A Plea To: CartoonGeld

Title: Jericho
Author: Crushric
Tags: [Dark] [Adventure] [Comedy]
Synopsis: I come from a land far to the east, a place called Teutschland, a nation of proud stallions. Who I am doesn’t matter. What does matter, however, is the cultural dissonance between our two peoples, those of Equestria and those of my homeland. What matters more is how I, by virtue of being at the wrong place at the right time, am now entirely at the mercy of these naked Equestrian savages. I am by no means the hero of this tale, and this is hardly even my story. I’m just a nopony thrust into the Equestrian world, with their strange customs and way of thinking. To them, I guess, I’m just as alien, with my so-called guttural language, strange God, and outfit. Oh, and let’s not forget how the Prince of Darkness and the Biblical Kain are waging a war for the fate of the whole universe. This is the story of culture, language, and six annoying yet special girls with their lunatic princess saving the world. Oh, and I guess I’m along for the ride, too, since I’m the narrator.

Zelda: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jWjDdjUdsNdOXh5QBPRd5u9SZuVEQXdfnbOf9KeiSag/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aqDO-VKK3eB8ujth7Nw5T4_Kf2_acy_WsMvC5VmwLHc/edit?usp=sharing
(At the end of either chapter is a link to the other)


Chapters: All (See below)

Comments: There are now only two chapters, with a combined total length of about 9,000 words. The first chapter is entirely new, and clocks in at about 3,500. The second chapter is just a greatly revised and edited Lyra scene from the old sixth chapter, but you'll still recognize most of the words.
I'd like to think that I followed you advice well, since I really loved it. And as for most of those plot holes? Compared to last time, does Jericho himself come off as a much more realistic character? How does the humor play out? Are all, at least most, of your gripes settled in this version?
As you were last time, please be as critical as you damn well please. Every criticism helps me on my quest to craft a worthy-to-be-read tale. So take your time (an ETA, though, would be stellar); I look forwards to your advice and top-notch review, mein Herr. Many, many, many thanks in advance.

Ich bin raus.

Last edited at Sat, Feb 23rd, 2013 09:26

>> No. 126801
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126801
Mornin'/Evenin'/Afternoon/Whatever, gents. I haven't been here for a while, a year by my half-assed guess, but since I was dropping in a new fic I thought another visit would be a good thing to do since I kind of suck in writing until around the fifth revision. Anyway, here we are:

Title: A New World, A New Threat (unless anyone cold suggest a better title)
Tags: [Alternate universe] [Human] [Adventure]

Synopses:
A great cataclysmic event is upon Equestria. Soon, all of the planet will be consumed in fire and death. Ponykind's only hope is to send Celestia's dearest student and her friends to an entirely new world and use the Elements of harmony to establish a link and help Equestria escape. But even with a formidable Royal Guard escort and the power of the Elements of Harmony, the chances of success are slim to none. But even the slimmest chance of survival is always preferable to certain death.

On Earth, Lance Corporal David Beckett of the USMC, a devoted husband and expectant father just wants to survive his tour of duty in the Israeli/Syrian War and get home. Unfortunately, it won't be that simple.

Short Description:
Before Equestria is destroyed, Celestia sends the Elements of Harmony on a quest to find a suitable planet, and open a portal to teleport the nation though. Problem is, it's already inhabited, and the natives are very restless.


Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w5AZBj1zg8mfLk2LauVlFDk-vGnUK-Dbko6NIxQaEMs/edit

I've had help with two authors on FimFiction, TheCrazyMan and GIULIO, but unless you're involved in the Conversion Bureau sub-genre, I doubt you know who I'm talking about. I've been given a line-by-line by GIULIO, but since there were only half a dozen or so corrections, I wanted a third opinion. Well, I should probably come here anyway.

Thanks if you help.

Last edited at Sat, Feb 23rd, 2013 16:39

>> No. 126802
>> 4247

Erm, when submitting my request, I went by too fast. I actually did want to offer up my services and help the queue by claiming a story.

This one, https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bRhP1BHVIaZftVumrBx-8JMtfaEIYO4Bii1_qKRt7VM/edit , "Second Chance" by Kazune.

Any chance you guys could forgive me and amend by submission to mention this. Also, as with last time (likely because I am a fool), my thread link is invalid. Would you guys mind too terribly to do these form? In exchange, I'll help shorten the queue for you! Deal?
>> No. 126803
File 136165452684.png - (61.57KB , 700x494 , DNAreplicationModes.png )
126803
Gruß dich, Herr Kazune! Today, have I been chosen by Gott im Himmel to review your story, and so do I with fervor!

Now let us all rise for the anthem of His Majesty, Kaiser Wilhelm II! Now let us review.

My review style is most odd: it's part standard review, part stream-of-consciousness rant, and part in-characters as whomsoever I am this day. I mean never to offend, but if I come across as such, then I apologize in advance.

> Day 1
Why do I get the feeling that this fic will be written in a non-standard style? Those are always so hard to review. Well, vorwärts, I'm going to review it like any other.

>“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”
Heil dir, Herr Spock. First note here is the lack of a period after “few”. Even when doing title quotes, you ought put that period there.

>I received this journal with other documents when I arrived at my new home.
Ach, das. Ja, mein kleines Herz weiß wohl. *Clears Throat* This is telling, really. I can see you're not trying to go for a standard story style, but you should really only do that when you know what you're doing really well, and then not even then. I mean, look here:
> I believe the intent was to give me an outlet and at the very least it’ll serve me as a memo book. The lock appears to be infused with magic, so there shouldn’t be a problem if it falls into the wrong hooves.
There's nothing wrong with stating what a character's thinking, evening having them voice their opinions in the narrative (especially if it's a first person story), but the rest is... well..
Here's a problem – there's a lock. What is this lock? To where/whom does it belong? And what “wrong hooves”? This is the very first paragraph, and already I'm out of my elements. I can clearly see what you're doing with this: a logbook by this <Redacted> fellow. Furthermore, if his secrets are so, er, secret that he needs to have his name redacted, why would “they” send him a journal for him to keep his secrets in? That's just odd, and sort of a plot hole.
All of this just wants for explanation: New home? Journal? Everything else? Don't tell me, show me.

> But, there is the ‘but’.
I care not for what you think, but you can't use a conjunction like this: they do not require a comma after there use. This should be “But there is the 'but', if we're aiming for grammatical rightness. Again, the idea that this kind of phrasing necessitates somehow a comma is superfluous. You would only have a comma after the “but” conjunction if you were saying something like, “But, and here's the good part, he said...” whereas it's showing more of an aside, something that its being set off my the comma.
Also, don't do this kind of thing: don't try to act all mysterious in a narrative. It's as hackneyed as saying something like, “And that's when it all went wrong.” This guy ain't a gypsy witch, he's a narrator. If you're trying to entice your readers, then do so with lever words and interesting characters, not with “and I promise something cool's gonna happen”.

>I was a guard in Canterlot...
This whole following paragraph is a perfect example of why this style of narrative doesn't really work. I'm sensing that by it's very nature, this story would be tell-heavy. But, and to tell you the truth, this kind of narrative isn't the kind for the story, this is the kind you're put into a modded quest for Fallout or Skyrim, where it's like this to get the point across fast and not waste the player's time.

>When the first day of the new course came, Celestia was the one to train us.
Why? No, really, why? Explain this to me. Why is she there? Why would Celestia train them? Again, I think this is the fault of your narration style.

>“You can leave anytime, your records won’t contain any trace of you attending this course, nor will you remember ever being here.”
Call me crazy, but I don't really thing our lovably Solar Princess would ever speak like this. She's the motherly, Chinese Zodiac of the Ox-type of mare. I might make more sense if it wasn't Celestia, but a shady government-type pony.

>I can only speak for myself, but those words left me confused.
Speaking only for myself here, but I think I see a problem. Oh, wait. This sentence is redundant. And telling. As a rule, NEVER have a character verbally express how they are feeling. Show us! For example, have <Redacted> squint and mumble, “What?” That conveys confusion to the reader, without ever directly stating it, which is what you want.

>I was wrong...
This whole Paragraph, just... no. Both is it filled with nothing but a common info-dump and with information that I have difficulty swallowing, especially when so poorly delivered. If you really wanted to really do this scene, it should be a one-on-one between <Redacted> (hereon to be Referred to as “ʁ”) and that shady government agency, taking place in a dark room with a desk – Think of any of those kinds of scenes from the “X-Files”.
Have it be slowly alluded to, with the G-pony giving only half-truths and generally being a government agent.

>Celestia responded with a question of her own.
“But what if there aren’t any consequences?”

There is no reason why these two lines shouldn't be a part of the same paragraph.

>After the three tribes were finally united, ...
That whole paragraph First of, what? Second of all, what?
This description is so tell-y, and so ludicrous that I'm actually shocked.
Let me get this straight: Equestria was united, but in reality it was a lawless land where crime was unpunished because all the leaders were all too wimpy? So then crime became culturally acceptable, and Celestia and Luna just sat by and, and... did what? They just let this happen? But—but—but then the leaders basically organize the Justinian Code of Laws, as if the ideas of “laws” were a never-before-heard-of idea, and only THEN did crime like murder become socially unacceptable? Dude. Just... wow. That is both silly, nonsensical, extremely dark, and really poorly delivered.
I can even think of how to improve this, 'cept for maybe explaining why any of these things happened as they did, but I'm just so baffled. All I could recommend is that you sat down and rethought your back story, because I really don't think any of made any sense, and it so fool of holes that even the Swiss think it's getting excessive.

>One day a governor asked to pass a judgment on a case that he had trouble with. The case was simple: a child was accidentally pushed onto a pitchfork and died, there were witnesses and the pony responsible for pushing was caught...

Hmm? Oh, no, I got nothing. I'm still baffled. But let me try to sum this up for any third parties:
Some colt accidentally murdered – or committed “manslaughter” – some other kid, in a really brutal manner that would be rather difficult to do on accident. So he was arrested and put of trail for murder. Not manslaughter, but murder. Celestia and Luna were saddened by it, because the the little colt was to be given a DEATH sentence, and our Heroines couldn't save the kid because the neo-Justinian Code of Laws was so airtight, so damn airtight, that there was no legal way to prevent the government from murdering a child.
When the hell did Equestria turn into Texas?

>Everypony soon recognized the colt and were ready to jump at Luna for unearthing the grave of a child.
Oh, and now Luna's a necromancer! Bringing the dead back the life! She's the true Messiah! Seriously, this telling-ness and beyond implausible backstory is really screwing with me.
Know what's funny? Apparently, in-universe this was an evil act: Luna broke two of the laws that the Gods must follow (according to the narrative), but Celestia was all like, “Cool story, sis”.

>About the ponies being discriminated for what they did and already been punished for. The system they currently had was wrong and she had an idea.
Okay, so Luna basically went around bringing ponies back from the dead, and thereby invalidating all of the honest-to-God murder trials, and thus set loose countless murderers because their crimes had been retconned into nonexistence? Jesus Christ, man.
I'm still at a lose to offer you any further help. I've said everything there is to say so far, and if I kept voicing my non-plot related problems, I'd be a broken record player.

>1. All ponies deserve a second chance.
>2. A second chance will be given only once.
>3. Before a second chance is given, the guilty must acknowledge his guilt.
>4. Any consequences of crime must be undone, unless the victim desires otherwise.
>5. Any life created must be preserved.
>6. Any memory of the crime will be removed.
>7. A reminder of the consequences must be given to the guilty.


By its nature, a second chance is just that: that's why they are called “second chances” and not “third chances”.
And Lo, did Luna write new legal laws that let every murderer, rapist, and sicko free, so long as they said “sorry”, but then all memory is lost and nopony is none the wiser.
God. My. Oh!
Do I really need to tell you how many plot holes there are here? Then you mention that it's for ponies with pure hearts, but that still doesn’t help: what if your accident killed two ponies? What if you manslaughter again? It's an accident, still, but now you're dead too?

>It was obvious why the laws aren't publicly known.
No, no, they are not. And never say in the narration that “it was obvious”; that's just lazy. You can possibly get around it if the character themselves says it, but even that's pushing it.
Also, there's a tense error here: it ought be “laws 'weren't' publicly known.”

>It came as a surprise to hear that somepony called Celestia 'you'
Why? “You” is the plural/formal 2nd-person address. “Thou” is informal, actually – it meant, more or less, “ya”, in terms for formality.

>What did I think? I was confused
— Fic is less than 1,800 words long
Fic has the same character twice openly say they were confused.
-_-

> In the end, if there aren't any consequences, if there aren't any victims, did a crime truly happened?
Yes! Holy Hell, yes! Just because you turn the victim into a zombie and make everypony forget about does NOT not mean that it never happened!

>I was pulled away from home before I could finish the entry.

Did the narration just jump ahead? It dd, didn't it? Look; never do this in the manner of which you have done: were you of jump in time, you need to indication a scene break or otherwise show the passage of time.

>The party went smoothly, despite the overly loud music. I got to meet almost everypony in this town and I was especially happy to meet the two that I was explicitly asked to look after.

What town? What party? You need to explain these things, and hopefully build up to them beforehand!

>As a Social Service officer, I work on helping ponies that have trouble. Each town has at least a few ponies like that, usually ponies that can't find work, have health issues or family issues.
What the hay just happened? I'm utterly lost, and you appear to have changed ʁ's job and everything. The whole rest of the story just stops making sense. Where is ʁ? Who sent ʁ there? Why ʁ? I can't comment further because I have nothing but confusion

Oh, wait – one last thing.
This chapter is titled “Day One”, but I really have no idea what the means. The intro suggests that ʁ is writing about all of this after the his whole journeys are over, but the title suggests he's doing it as it's happening, like a real journal/diary. The ending, too, suggests that he's writing it as it's happened to him. Or is “day 1” referring to how long it took for him to start training, to ended up knowing one of the greatest secrets the Equestrian government. I. Am. Rather. Confused.



Overall, what can I suggest?

Rewrite this story in the style of a more traditional narrative: I recommend completely avoiding the idea of “I'm writing this in my journal” and skip right to the part where he's being trained (better yet, explain how and why he ended up there).
I feel as though the idea that Equestria is such a paradise only because of dark laws that revive the dead is... interesting, and has all sorts of neat implications. For example, even though you've had your memory erased, maybe certain things will still mess with you: if you were murdered by a pitchfork, when you come back, you should have an phobia of pitchforks. Something creative like that, but for the love of all that is good, change your back story to be less confusing and more in character. It'd be even better if ʁ wasn't directly told, and pieced the story together himself. Making the story something of a mystery story as you go through it, with ʁ enforcing the laws, but also piecing together why the laws exists, and why ʁ is forbidden to tell anypony what these laws are.
Ideas!
Also, Murder? Death? Secret Police? I think the [Dark] tag is what you want, not [Slice of Life].”
[?]Oh, and destroy all of telling with fire! Please.


Danke, und hab' einen schönen Tag! Give never up, and always keep on trying to improve yourself as a writer!

Last edited at Sat, Feb 23rd, 2013 14:26

>> No. 126804
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126804
Hey everyone, first time on here, looking for some critiques over my Conversion Bureau story.

W-wait! Don't leave! This isn't that kind of TCB story! It's a deconstruction of the whole genre.

Oh good, you're back. Anyways, I've already gotten some comments/critiques from the likes of NoMoreSanity, I would like to have an in-depth review of the whole story as I try to chug out the seventh chapter. Any and all critiques are appreciated.

Title: The Conversion Bureau: The Price of Generosity
Name: GIULIO
Tags: [Sad] [Slice of Life] [Human]

Synopsis:“History is written by the victors.” ~ Winston Churchill

Welcome to the new Equestria: several decades ago it spanned a continent, now it encompasses an entire world due to an unknown phenomenon that occurred many years ago. Equestriani towns and cities now dot the planet. What many of its inhabitants try to forget though is that many of these cities were built over older cities that belonged to a now-extinct race: humans.

Crystal Clear, a fledgling researcher with a fascination of these beings, intends to publish a book; a comprehensive take on their race. His task is not an easy one as the event all those years ago has ensured that nothing tangible of their era remained. The only way for him to gain any information on mankind is via old unofficial accounts and interviewing the 'newfoals' and anypony who lived with humans back then. But the latter are far and few... and those who had agreed before are now mysteriously refusing to comment. Why?

In the midst of this, Crystal's grandmother passes away, leaving him several memory orbs of her times with humans. Is this the break that he has been searching for? Will he finally come to an understanding of this elusive species or will he learn of something that he wasn't meant to know?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29404/the-conversion-bureau-the-price-of-generosity

Chapters: All (See below)

Particular requests: Like I said, I want a full on, 100% review, no pulling punches, 'cause I want to find all of the chinks in the story. It is quite the beast, nearing the 29K words mark, but I want to try my chance at putting this on EQD and it has to be as good as it can be seeing EQD's stance on TCB stories.

Much appreciated!

Last edited at Sat, Feb 23rd, 2013 17:35

>> No. 126805
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126805
>>126804
>W-wait! Don't leave! This isn't that kind of TCB story!

Too late.


Heehee.
>> No. 126807
>>126800
I'm not going to turn down a request.

As for timeline, I have no idea. I've been fighting to get my computer working, so it will have to be sometime after that is all settled.
My best guess, 1 week +- 1 week. Hopefully, toward the sooner end.
>> No. 126809
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126809
>>126803

I acknowledge that the review was done.

My response to this:

>Gruß dich, Herr Kazune! Today, have I been chosen by Gott im Himmel to review your story, and so do I with fervor!
>Now let us all rise for the anthem of His Majesty, Kaiser Wilhelm II! Now let us review.
>Ach, das. Ja, mein kleines Herz weiß wohl.

Yeah, this will surely make me take this review seriously, moving on.


>standard story style

Define "standard story style". You probably mean 3rd person limited narrative. If that's the case, then no. As you could notice this is a diary/journal.


>Furthermore, if his secrets are so, er, secret that he needs to have his name redacted, why would “they” send him a journal for him to keep his secrets in?

The paragraph tyou citated in this point explains why he has it: "I believe the intent was to give me an outlet and at the very least it’ll serve me as a memo book."

>Don't tell me, show me.
>I'm sensing that by it's very nature, this story would be tell-heavy.
>Show us!

Yeah, show you in a story that's in diary/journal format.


>Why? No, really, why? Explain this to me. Why is she there? Why would Celestia train them?

Maybe try reading further, where it is explained that the things she was telling them were kept secret, that only a small number of ponies knew.


>Chinese Zodiac of the Ox-type of mare

Where did you dig out this kind of stuff?
She's the ruler of Equestria, she's suppose to be motherly when she's dealing with ponies, but she also has authority.


>As a rule, NEVER have a character verbally express how they are feeling.
>For example, have <Redacted> squint and mumble, “What?” That conveys confusion to the reader, without ever directly stating it, which is what you want.

That's no rule. It is better to show feelings when you're doing a 3rd person narrative, or when your 1st person narrative is talking about another person, but this is a 1st person narrative talking about himself.

I'm not gonna respond to further "show don't tell" stuff that was pointed out.


>That whole paragraph First of, what? Second of all, what?

Sure, this needs a better explanation. It doesn't need rethinking though.


>in a really brutal manner that would be rather difficult to do on accident

Seriously? I guess you never lived on a farm or even seen one.


>colt was to be given a DEATH sentence

He wasn't given death sentence, he would only be given a long sentence.


>neo-Justinian Code of Laws

Where did this come from?


>there was no legal way to prevent the government from murdering a child.

Again, there was never pointed out that the colt would be killed.


>Apparently, in-universe this was an evil act: Luna broke two of the laws that the Gods must follow (according to the narrative), but Celestia was all like, “Cool story, sis”

Not "Gods must follow". Celestia and Luna agreed on some laws that they should follow, since they are more powerful than any other pony. And Celestia wasn't "Cool story, sis". She was happy they managed to save the colt, but she was hoping that this was a one time only incident.


>Okay, so Luna basically went around bringing ponies back from the dead, and thereby invalidating all of the honest-to-God murder trials, and thus set loose countless murderers because their crimes had been retconned into nonexistence? Jesus Christ, man.

I think you were reading some other story.


>Then you mention that it's for ponies with pure hearts

There was never such thing mentioned.


>Why? “You” is the plural/formal 2nd-person address.

Well, cause you know, she's the Fucking Princess of Equestria and some respect should be given to her. And not just "you" as if talking to your schoolmate.


>Just because you turn the victim into a zombie and make everypony forget about does NOT not mean that it never happened!

I see you're mind was too set on bashing on the fic to even try to understand.


>What the hay just happened? I'm utterly lost, and you appear to have changed ʁ's job and everything.

It's mentioned in the 2nd paragraph if you don't count the quote:
>My name is <redacted> and I’m a part of Equestria’s Social Service


>The intro suggests that ʁ is writing about all of this after the his whole journeys are over

I don't see where this is even mentioned. In the intro he says that he arrived at his new home. Never even once there was anything mentioned about something being "over" or "done".


>Rewrite this story in the style of a more traditional narrative:
Yeah, no

Not using hidden text, cause there's no info on the board about how to use it.
>> No. 126812
>>126809

>Define "standard story style". You probably mean 3rd person limited narrative. If that's the case, then no. As you could notice this is a diary/journal.
>Yeah, show you in a story that's in diary/journal format.
I don't mean to be mean, but this is exactly my point. The way you've formatted the story does not easily lend itself to what we are used to reading. I looked this over as if it were a standard format, that is, a more usual narrative. Since it is the expectation. I mean, save for those two little notes, your grammar was rather spot-on, an impressive feat. So you're clearly not a bad writer, but the way you're trying to tell the story just does not want to work along the lines we've grow accustomed to. That's not to saying changing things up is bad, but changing things is dangerous at our level, and none of us are professionals.

Never do I intend to bash, so much as I was reviewing it as a Stream-of-Consciousness, expressing my confusion as would a reader going through. The intend, odd as it may be, was to come across a reader, trying to show how one of that sort would react.

Like I said, the concept has a lot of interesting avenues to explore, but its biggest enemy is the format.

Also,
>That's no rule. It is better to show feelings when you're doing a 3rd person narrative, or when your 1st person narrative is talking about another person, but this is a 1st person narrative talking about himself.
As a rule, always "show", never "tell". Yes, there is no rule, but there are tastes and expectations. As a reviewer much wiser than I said about someone wiser than he: http://youtu.be/sFBhR4QcBtE
Again, this all this has a lot to do with the formatting, and how it's rather different than what I'm used to, but yet I treated it like I would treat a normal tale. I went into expected that, and treated it like that. I might be helpful in future cases of you wanting a review to mention your non-standard, journal format, else they as I will approach it as a usual narrative.

>neo-Justinian Code of Laws
That's just how I phrased it, comparing it to the Justinian Code of Laws passed by Emperor Justinian of the Byzantine Empire; it was notable for being the first modern and organized code of laws. My phrasing was an historical allusion to what it reminded me of.

>I think you were reading some other story.
Again, this is just what the writing seemed to convey. Much of what you've noted that I saw that you didn't is likely a result of this: me looking at what your story was implying, what I saw between the lines because of the lack of concrete filling in those lines. It's all leading back to the issue of formatting.

If I come across as caustic and acetic, it's because of that stream-of-consciousness. I do see potential here (not just because I'm an optimist), but I really think that the format is your enemy here. I really do.
>> No. 126813
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126813
>>126805
>Too late.

Does that mean that my story won't be claimed?
>> No. 126814
>>126813
Nah, Grif's just joking. You're in the queue.

However, between the staggering amount of fics up for review and the size and genre of your own fic, you're most likely looking at a very long wait time for your review—up to a month or more.
>> No. 126815
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126815
>>126812
Just a note. The story says upfront it's a diary. Like in the first sentence.

While the traditional third person limited past is preferable, by far, it is not the only way to write a story. Any criticism made should be based on whether the writing does what it's supposed to: tell a story, not on how you think it should be written. (though a lot of overlap falls between the two.)

>Does that mean that my story won't be claimed?
Yes, it was meant to be a joke. Hence the "heehee".

To assuage your fear however, I'll claim your story as penance.
As well as this one: >>126511

So two for me for the week.
>> No. 126816
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126816
>>126814
Going by that, I guess I'll have to wait around half a month to get a review on my story Ambition then...
>> No. 126818
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126818
>>126815

I suspected as much, but people tend to really hate anything TCB so I wasn't quite sure if you were joking or not. Thanks for your pledge!
>> No. 126819
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126819
Gah, sorry, double post.

Last edited at Sun, Feb 24th, 2013 11:20

>> No. 126820
>>126816
You're not actually in our queue. Please fill out the submission form at the top of the thread (Submission Form, under For Writers).
>> No. 126823
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126823
>>126814
>staggering amount of fics
Son, there was over 50 in it a year ago. You ain't seen nothing yet. That said, the queue is languishing.
>> No. 126825
>>126527
Let's see what I can do to help here. Expect a review in about a week's time.
>> No. 126827
>>126816
Alternatively, you can help out by reviewing another writer's fic. That's how I get started and that was the original basis of the TG. Help one, one helps you. Don't worry if you feel you're unqualified. Just give your honest opinion and ask if you're not sure.
>> No. 126831
>>126823
So how long do you estimate would a wait be for a 2600 word, single chapter?
>> No. 126832
>>126831

It shouldn't take too long. I was able to review a 7000 word chunk of story in a couple of days.

However, I'm quite picky in what I review. I won't do any HiE or crossovers and for the most part won't do any shipping (I am willing to do it if it's light heterosexual. Anything "snuggly" on that sensual fiction thread's rating system or below). I tend to favor stories that have all mane six characters and/or Princess Cadance & Shining Armor.

I know. I'm a terrible person. Deal with it!
>> No. 126833
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126833
>>126831
It's difficult to say. Some stories are snagged the moment they show up, others sit for a few weeks. You just have to hope your genre's popular at the time. 2600 words isn't very long, so it's likely your story will be seen sooner, however, it depends on the genre, and the synopsis. Your synopsis is the most important part. A lot of us search for a specific genre, but within that, it's the synopsis of the story that really makes the final decision. If it's interesting, one would have no choice but to claim out of sheer curiosity. If it's boring, odds are most would avoid it.

Assuming a decent synopsis and a popular genre, anywhere from a week to instant. A poor synopsis, probably two or three weeks.

Please don't quote me on that.
>> No. 126834
>>126832
>>126833
It's Equestria on Earth, and involves a SHTF scenario where the M6 have to go to a different world to teleport it away, except they end up with a group of people who reminded a friend of Generation Kill.

Is that unpopular right now? Equestria on Earth?
>> No. 126835
File 136176811282.png - (117.96KB , 945x945 , Aie dung nuh mang.png )
126835
>>126834
Beats me. I'm not even supposed to be here.
>> No. 126836
>>126834

You must've missed the whole fiasco that was Equestria Girls.

>>126833

>A poor synopsis, probably two or three weeks.

Crap.

Last edited at Sun, Feb 24th, 2013 22:10

>> No. 126843
File 136184798783.jpg - (87.80KB , 800x600 , 136084125084.jpg )
126843
>>126836
B-but it's not anthro...
>> No. 126846
File 136190019569.gif - (1.86MB , 320x170 , MC0pa.gif )
126846
>>126843
EQ is humanized, not anthro.
>> No. 126848
File 136190793548.jpg - (28.22KB , 544x364 , cricket.jpg )
126848
>>126763

Wow. It's sure been quiet here.

Anywho, I'll take Masem's story to review. Expect something by the end of the week.
>> No. 126849
>>126846
Mine isn't humanized either, if that's what you or >>126836 was implying.

(sage for continued non-reviewing discussion... even though the thread is up top anyway)
>> No. 126851
>>126825
Thanks. And to the guy who claimed the story before (but apparently never got added to the queue), sorry I never caught your post.

Also, thanks to Grif for the additional help. I can't stress enough how much it means to get good criticism.
>> No. 126860
Tags: Friend Shipping/ Light Shipping

Synopsis: On a soul-searching flight by night, Rainbow Dash stumbles into a discovery of what she truly needs.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10RT3DKiuctzrGq29oacGUwKPQ0z0X3UaRqKjJVCt_vU/edit?usp=sharing

Second Submission

As per the comments of previous reviewers:

-Assaulted a majority of the comma splices. Still a bit unsure of where additional commas should be removed or put in as the doc stands now.

-Trimmed down excessive use of Rainbow Dash's name by more than half.

-Redid the final paragraphs slightly to reinforce the feeling of ambiguity I intend the ending to be.

-I believe I cleared up some of the Purple Unicorn Syndrome, but would prefer some more feedback on correcting it if its still there.

If either CaptHyatt or Minjask wish to give it a second look, I wont stop you, but I do welcome a fresh set of eyes to dig into the flaws of the story.

I enabled comments in-doc for whomever does take the story to review, and request as much detail as you can give on spelling errors and awkward phrasing that you may find.

This will probably my last submission before I publish it for real, so the more feedback the better!

-Quillery
>> No. 126863
File 136197200453.png - (200.63KB , 533x586 , Konachan_com - 87264 book chibi hong_meiling izayoi_sakuya knife massala patchouli_knowledge tou.png )
126863
>>126713
In which I am pleasantly surprised despite my initial misgivings.


Okay, I'll be honest with ya, as I'm usually expected to be: I fully intended to shred this to bits when I started. I've seen you kick this around, I've seen others kick it around, and suffice to say, I was expecting something bad. But it wasn't.

Aside from some terribad technical errors - please never ever put direct thought into quotes if you're italicizing them too - the piece actually read rather smoothly. Sentence structure was nicely varied, although you could work on your vocab, since the language used is on the simple side. Dialogue was okay, direct thought was all right, interactions fair enough. Functional, I think the word is: it serves its purpose and doesn't get in the way.

You've managed to present Ghost as a rather balanced character by showing the justification for his sourness. You've also shown him relieved when the time is right. Keep up the rational emotions and you'll be fine, I should think.

There's actually not much I have left to say. I mean, Phantom is pretty ridiculously powerful, and one wonders why he isn't trapped for good like Discord and Sombra were by Celestia. Ghost being able to fend off his attacks is a little questionable, but there's not enough of it for me to poke a hole into. If you made the fight more one-sided - not completely, but more - I think you'd highlight the contrast, and thus more accurately present, their abilities, which gives us an idea of how dangerous Phantom is and conversely how difficult Ghost's conflict will be.

Might as mention as well that Ghostwriter is a horribly unpony name. Seriously. You've heard it a ton, yah? There's a reason for that.

All in all, it's better than average, and while it isn't brilliant, it certainly isn't bad - far from it. I haven't read the previous incarnations, but I'd say you've come a fair bit ways with this one.

All that's left is to continue. Keep writing.
>> No. 126864
File 136197601601.jpg - (100.71KB , 831x962 , 134212878309.jpg )
126864
>>126863
Wow...

I... I'm surprised.

Uh... Thanks.

An actual review that didn't leave me feeling like my work was in vain. I feel I can finally say that my efforts to improve is getting results. I can finally say I'm getting better.

It's actually a great feeling, honestly. Now by all means, I feel that I still have a ways to go, but progress feels good.

Anyway, thanks again. I'll work on those things you mentioned and continue to strive to improve my craft.

Until next time.
>> No. 126870
As a favor for his review of my work, I'll review "Ruby" by p0n00b. Likely will not get to specifics until weekend.

>>126760
>> No. 126873
>>126705

Hello again,

It would seem my fic here got lost in the shuffle and was not added to the queue after a week. I would like to bump my contribution once more.
>> No. 126875
>>126873
Did you use the submission form, as noted in the OP?
http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit
>> No. 126877
>>126875

Huh. Oops. Goes to show how long I've been away from here.

My apologies. I shall submit it properly now.
>> No. 126878
File 136207199148.jpg - (76.00KB , 764x609 , 134232077524.jpg )
126878
Tag: Adventure

Word count: Ch:1: 3315
Ch:2: 1740

Synopsis: The Rune Guide, a book containing great power to those who can utilize it. It is both Ghostwriter's greatest discovery and biggest responsibility. But now it is in the wrong hooves. While Ghostwriter is working on retrieving it, Celestia sends him to Ponyville and by pure luck, he has a chance to get it back. Now he must get the Rune Guide back and also deal with Ponyville antics.

Chapter 1: The Ghost of Canterlot (If one would like to familiarize themselves for Ch:2)
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-jgOQj28kZ3zR3mNEgCFBlyA8JPnZ0TgVPKS-LZGTto/edit

Chapter 2: Ghosts and Phantoms
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EgZBddQlZoGHn28m9UigLE451vSeOHvtx7svWfaEJHY/edit?usp=sharing

Notes: I'm trying something with this. After my review from Casca, I've become increasingly paranoid that the only reason it was functional was due to repeated reviews and hours of refinement from those reviews. As such, I'm a little worried that the new chapter won't be of the same quality as the previous one, due to certain things applied the first time not sticking. So I figured I'd get it reviewed in short bursts, the theory being that with one section refined already and me referencing the earlier section as I write more, the lessons I learn will be reinforced and as such actually stick.

That's the theory, anyway. I only need ch:2 reviewed, as I'm pretty satisfied with chapter one.
>> No. 126887
File 136212157033.jpg - (52.72KB , 500x360 , funny-Frodo-face-Lord-of-the-Rings.jpg )
126887
>>126848

Whew! It took me a while, but I got it done.

I left an uber-long comment at the end containing my thoughts on the story. The main problem was the fact you were trying to cram so much into a single sentence. This accounted for about 90% of the grammar and flow problems you had.

As far as your concerns about show vs tell, PUP, and the accenting, I think you did a pretty good job.

As far as the characterization, I think Pinkie Pie could have been done a little bit better. I think she should talk about throwing a party for Tilly as she's buying the *redacted* from her.

Overall, it was a very good story and I got quite a few laughs out of it. I hope to see it on EQD soon!

P.S. Does the image make me a jerk? It was the thing that popped into my head as I was writing this :^|
>> No. 126892
>>126887

Acknowledging review! Thank you muchly!

Yea, a few small things to fix around, but will reread as well as have it spend a bit of time at FIMFict before tossing to EQD.
>> No. 126893
File 136216249477.png - (149.27KB , 600x700 , Lyra-tired.png )
126893
>>126511

Righto. As usual, this comes with my usual disclaimer that anything said in this review is strictly my opinion and is in no way to be taken as the final authority on the subject. In other words, read with healthy helping if salt.

These two links here are GDoc versions of the first two chapters of your fic, complete with stream-of-consciousness:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17B2Srw2wxxkYWbAPbeNNFhqA20IdSMhwj5pDwAqQ7iM/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OStZr2VjIRfI0PQYOuycyhpBvYrGyJQRnLaELxHaGmU/edit

Here, I will sum up my overall impressions of your fic.
Mechanically, you did good. I don't see many errors to speak of, and your grammar is pretty clean. Thumbs up for that. You do have a problem with the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, which I think you find detailed enough explanation elsewhere on why it is Bad (tm).

What I do have a problem with is with the focus of your fic. Ostensibly, you are probably trying for a horror-adventure story of a sort. This is pretty much evidenced by the prologue and subsequent references to strange dreams, nightmares and oh, the classical mysterious book. So far so good. However, you then proceed to undermine that sense of tension and horror with misplaced shipping. That's right. Your attempts to ship Rarilight is both ham-fisted and grossly out of place. Any sense of ambient fear and the sort went right out the window every time I read a paragraph about how Twilight is lusting about Rarity and how beautiful that "white mare" looks. Seriously? Pick one (shipping or dark adventure) and stick with it. Alternatively, tone down the frankly creepy shipping that is splattered throughout.

Another thing I want to touch on is your style. You have a great tendency to use extremely purple sentences where it is not needed. Take, for example, this:
> What I saw made my eyes open wide in amazement – Celestia’s sun was just rising. As the giant ball of light and fire slowly crept up from the horizon, the city and the endless fields surrounding it were gradually lit up. It was like a blanket of brightness was slowly dragging itself across the view, wrapping the world into its loving embrace.

This is must a pretty important sunrise if you devoted so many words to it. Actually, no, it is not. Which is the entire point. If you must have scenery porn, at least utilise it on something that is relevant to the story at hand. To be fair, you don't do this all the time, and some of your scenes are pretty descriptive. But mind those purple. Use them only when needed. Not when you need to describe a mundane sunrise.

Also, Celestia's sun needs die horribly.

Speaking of which, your characters? For most part, I find your portrayal of both Twilight and Rarity to be bordering on OOC. Twilight especially so. Superficially, they seem quite IC. But then you seem to latch on Twilight to be some sort of lonely pariah in Ponyville, where it is clearly not true. More to the point, you then use it as justification for her to drop comments on Rarity that frankly are cheese-worthy at best and gag-inducing the rest of the time. Not to mention Twilight falling for Rarity after a single incident? Please. The shipping I already commented on.

That said, I also think you have a slight problem with dialogue. A lot of the time, I find myself wondering, "Is this really how a pony would talk?" Silted dialogue are all over the place and is especially egregious with Rarity. I'm definitely not hearing either her's, or Twilight's voice in the lines you have written. The only thing I can recommend is to read those lines aloud. Do they sound like something a real person would have spoken? Stuff like that.

All in all, this wasn't too bad. But man. The shipping. It gotta go man.

tl;dr Decent premise. Dragged down by unnecessary Rarilight that came out of the blue. Silted dialogue.
>> No. 126905
File 136230938073.png - (866.63KB , 700x700 , 1350449588462.png )
126905
Title: An Alien Walks Amongst Us


Tags: [Comedy] [Adventure] [Human]


Synopsis:

Lyra, a simple pony with simple dreams. Dreams involving aliens, that is. Her fascination with them even got her a job dealing with them, though no one takes it seriously. Lyra hopes to one day be able to meet one, she just needs to believe.

In comes a human, whom mysteriously gets transported to Equestria. It's up to Lyra to show the alien the ways of her people! The power of friendship, magic, and hugs await her on this strange adventure.


X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X


I was hoping to get some critique on this story and see what could be done to help improve my writing skills and if anything in particular is wrong with it. I only have one person helping me proof this story, and while he's a great help (and may as well be a darn grammar genius) I'd like some opinions on this story outside of where this is usually posted.

My stories about a human that gets transported there, but he's more or less an actual alien. It's not one of those stories where he immediately befriends everyone or saves the world. I think it's fairly well paced and has some good comedy in it, but that's just what I think. I could be wrong. At the time of posting this I will be in chapter seven but I will be posting up the next chapter soon so I hope that doesn't mess up the submission process.

Admittingly, it's a bit strange posting here asking for critique. I hope that no one gives me flak.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/an-alien-walks-amongst-us

Last edited at Sun, Mar 3rd, 2013 04:27

>> No. 126906
>>126905
>It's not one of those stories where he immediately befriends everyone or saves the world.

My internal Cynic instantly chimed it to say: "Despite good intentions anything tagged human is held down the mountain of terribleness that fills the genre."
Fortunately optimism kicked in to say: "Yet any form of writing experience will help, even if no one shows interest."
That's all that keeps me going sometimes, that and I write for my own enjoyment.
>> No. 126907
File 136231252986.png - (242.01KB , 1500x2024 , Lyra-huh.png )
126907
>>126905
My wait for a non-human obsessed Lyra continues.

Seriously.
>> No. 126909
>>126760

(Note that I've been chatting with p0n00b on gdocs to help with revising the work)

This is a good starting chapter for the larger story that is planned. It has a good air of mystery and what happened to the beloved characters to keep the reader wanting to learn more.

Some of the initial problems (Since resolved) involve:
- Dialog. Prior, it was "Twilight + 7 cardboard cutouts of the others" due to how few speaking lines the others got, even though the story is clearly from Twilight's POV. The new conversation points help to bring them into this, expand on the setting (below), and help make it feel more appropriate to the characters.

- Setting & Descriptions - The work proposes some completely reasonable advancements in pony life in the 6 months from the point of the S3 finale. This itself is fine, but as noted, some of these would not be expected if one was coming from just the show itself. Lacking some descriptions (like the carriage - just being described as a box originally) made me think it was more science fiction (like a spacecraft), but with appropriate descriptions and dialog, these were all established in terms of show terms. It's easy to get caught up in one's own vision of the setting and forget to give that to the readers, but at the same time no one wants to read a thesis to set out that setting. I believe the changes made to expand just enough on this helped a lot.

- Flow. Generally was not bad to begin with but a few places had some rewording and ordering to help make it work better.

I didn't find many issues in terms of grammar or other similar issues, which is good. A few points of lavender unicorn syndrome, but nothing terrible. I felt the show vs tell was right , given Twilight's POV.

And without going into details, what p0n00b explained of where this story is going, this chapter helps to set up the story without forcing it into a specific direction, which is always good.
>> No. 126910
>>126909
Once again, thank you so much!

The dialogue was one of the most bothersome issues for me. I wanted to avoid getting too wrapped up in a conversation such that the reader is screaming "GET ON WITH IT!". Your tips certainly helped tons.

I'll try and get the next chapter done within the week. Thanks once again!
>> No. 126912
File 136234731545.png - (198.43KB , 260x320 , 1351452521069.png )
126912
>>126907

WHOA there! She's NOT obsessed with humans at all! She has one over aliens in general and if you read some of what I wrote, you would see that. It just so happens that a human DOES pop up and she's all giddy. My Lyra doesn't follow what other writers have done either. I made sure to keep it wholly original.

Trust me, she's not obsessed with them in the least. But if you feel there's something wrong with it still, please direct my attention to it.

Edit - Ghostwriter likes to point out my idiotic word choices.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 3rd, 2013 22:02

>> No. 126913
File 136235174221.jpg - (9.70KB , 200x252 , 4.jpg )
126913
>>126912
>wholly original

A likely story.

But, really, if your fan-fiction is "wholly original," then you're doing fan-fiction wrong.
>> No. 126915
File 136235792795.png - (158.24KB , 1100x1000 , 63481 - Bonbon Lyra artist tess cute.png )
126915
>>126913

That might be. I try to add in some humor into the story with some original ideas here and there. I'm not taking it outside of what the show is, it's still recognizable. And I don't make the characters OOC... though I do skew Twilight a little. I just wanted something fresh from other stories that I've read using Lyra as a main character.

Oh, I suppose I should mention it has Lyra, Bon Bon, and a human as the main characters with side roles of Luna and Celestia along with random pop-ins from other ponies.
>> No. 126916
File 136236500578.jpg - (363.95KB , 1500x1166 , 5602836.jpg )
126916
I'm back, Ponies!
>>126705
>Celestia helped her aged lover cross the floor from the bed towards the closet.
>aged
Hmm, you might've showed your hand too early with this.

>Then again, everything about Celestia’s tower in the middle of the Everfree forest was a shadow of the majesty that is Canterlot.
This also might be better if left unsaid 'til the ending.

The rest of the comments are in doc.
>> No. 126917
File 136237149529.png - (189.08KB , 500x282 , 134211071528.png )
126917
>>126912
please avert my attention to it.

avert

Hmm...

Now, I may not have much of them there fancy city learnin', but I can't help but feel that this word, this word is not the one you wanted to use.
>> No. 126918
File 136237319552.png - (47.80KB , 184x184 , 1351481315216.png )
126918
>>126917

Yeah, I meant to say direct. Sorry 'bout that, I was typing something else in the process and wasn't paying much attention to what I was typing at all here.
>> No. 126921
File 136238029029.png - (327.14KB , 959x540 , 134300973510.png )
126921
>>126918
It's kinnda funny. Avert is the total opposite.

... wait a tic...

You said the opposite of what you meant.

...Are... are you a politician?
>> No. 126922
>>126921
Grab your torch and pitchforks!
>> No. 126923
>>126916

Thank you for the review. I have incorporated many of the changes you listed.

If I may ask, what was your take on the work as a whole? Not from a technical standing, but based on concept.
>> No. 126925
File 136239648342.png - (42.50KB , 291x300 , tango-face-plain-md.png )
126925
>>126921

>You can feel a cold sweat pouring off your brow from the question.
>"You're not a politician... are you?" Ghostwriter asks once more, this one with a stronger glare than before.
>Of /course/ you're not a politician! That's an evil too far for any normal man to ever turn to!
>But... how do you answer this? Just /how/ do you make this convincing for him to believe you?!
>Should you try your city smarts, pull out your pocket dictionary from your mind, and recite something you tell everyone that usually asks this question?
>Yes... that will work. Just keep your cool, and don't mess this up. Try a-
"I is totally's NOT a poo-poo headed politician!"
>...
>...
>...
>You dun goofed.

Last edited at Mon, Mar 4th, 2013 05:03

>> No. 126926
File 136240090899.jpg - (79.13KB , 1000x562 , 134919172413.jpg )
126926
>>126925
Oh god...

Laughing... Too... Hard...

Can't... Breath...

Know that you... are responsible... For my...

Demise...uju7777777777777j
>> No. 126928
>>126923
Oh, I thought it was great, as you can probably guess from the fact that I started following you on FimFic. My only problem, story-wise, was that it's too easy to guess what happened to Twi. I feel that there should be more of a mystery to keep the reader hooked. This should be easily fixed by changing the lines I mentioned here: >>126916
>> No. 126932
File 136244051461.jpg - (8.28KB , 170x135 , il_170x135_375977934_beof.jpg )
126932
>>126926

>...
>You look down at the body of Ghostwriter sprawled at your feet. An enormous grin is all that is shown on his face.
>/At least he died happy/, you think while you tap his cold corpse with your foot. /What am I supposed to do with this?/
>A smattering of people speaking fill your ears. /Oh crap! Have to hide it, fast!/
>...
>"So I said to Snowflake 'Come at me, bro!' and he went all Roid Rage© on me!"
>"Pinkie! That's so mean!"
>"But it was FUNNY, Fluttershy!"
>"W-wait. Is that Hazardus?"
>"HEY THERE!"
>Crap! Don't move and keep still.
"H-hey girls!"
>The two of them walk up to you with smiles... before they drop those for confused looks.
>"W-what's that?"
"Hmm? What's what?"
>"That," Pinkie says, pointing below you.
"Oh, this silly ol' thing? It's a new style of couch that they came out designed to look like a dead person."
>"OOH, I WANNA TRY!"
"W-wait a s-"
>Too late, they both take a seat on either side of you.
>"I-it feels so cold sitting on this... and smelly."
>...
"...It's supposed to imitate a corpse?"
>"I just find it weird they put blocks to hold it up, but this is neat! You /have/ to tell me where I can get a Ghostwriter couch too!"

Last edited at Mon, Mar 4th, 2013 16:46

>> No. 126934
File 136245705335.png - (125.96KB , 320x233 , 135161434045.png )
126934
>>126932
(Groans)

Oh... My head... did i die? Good thing i always keep a fairy in a bottle... How long was I out?
>> No. 126935
File 136245772557.gif - (220.91KB , 275x210 , aVZgT.gif )
126935
>>126934
This is gonna be good!
>> No. 126936
File 136245773983.png - (33.17KB , 174x169 , AweSumPony.png )
126936
I'm going to be going on vacation, and so am taking these five stories from the queue for reading material while embarked upon the passenger aeroplane. Expect reviews by the following Sunday or Monday.
⬤ These look like the same thing:
mlpchan: http://mlpchan.net/fic/res/3448.html#4111
ponychan: >>126531
Claimed.

⬤ Featherdance by Azure Spark:
>>126684
Claimed.

⬤ A Wake of Mist and Flame by Heliopause:
>>126688
Your name sounds familiar... I think I passed by you while Hitchhiking on my way to Aldebaran. Or I might have reviewed one of your stories before. Looks like you're on FimFiction! Either way, Claimed.

⬤ Chasing Clouds with Rainbow Dash by Cloud Chaser (try saying that 15 times FAST!)
The URL of the post doesn't have a number/link in it. Instead... It is a link to a jpeg on imgur with a screen shot of the post number in it. I... I have never before in my god-forsaken existence seen someone work so hard to avoid using Ctrl-C. Nevertheless, I'm too tired and drunk and lazy to do the detective work to reassemble the link to the original post, but at least I have the Google doc link. This might be interesting. Claimed.

⬤ A New World, A New Threat by Boredhooman
>>126801
Claimed.

Last edited at Mon, Mar 4th, 2013 21:29

>> No. 126938
Title: The Day Before
Author: Masem
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Comedy][Slice of Life][Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: It's just another normal day in Ponyville. Pinkie's tending to Sweet Apple Acres, and Rarity's got the weather under control. Fluttershy's anxiously planning for a big bash the next day, while Applejack works her latest fashion line for Hoity Toity. And Rainbow Dash is preparing to shelter several critters from the Everfree Forest from a rampaging cockatrice.

Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

Link: (presently at FimFict, but can gdoc it if requested): http://www.fimfiction.net/story/86308/the-day-before

One-shot story.

Comments:
I had written this over a couple of days (+days of proofing) based on an idea that came to mind in rewatching "Magical Mystery Cure", and never had the initial intent of a EQD posting. That said, when I cleaned it up and posted to FimFict I did get positive response, so after another bit of copyediting, sent it off to EQD - not expecting it to go through.

Obviously, I'm here, so it didn't, but I'm not fretting it. The Reviewer response was:

"Unfortunately, I'm unable to recommend it for posting. While it can often be a fun mental exercise to consider the full implications of events on the show, pure exploration of even the most fascinating concepts rarely makes for an entertaining story without a strong central conflict to drive the plot. Your fic is more a series of mostly unrelated vignettes tied together loosely by the delivery pony. This wouldn't be such a problem if each of the vignettes was an engaging scene on its own, but fics that are able to do that well are rare and generally require very well executed writing. If your prose itself were more engaging or your comedic elements were better executed, I could consider this fic for posting, but as it stands I don't think that your fic is entertaining enough to be considered an outstanding work within the fandom, and EqD endeavors to accept only the best fics for posting. It's easy to write rejection letters for fics that have clear grammar deficiencies or egregious style errors; it's difficult to write rejections like this, where my opinion is that this is not a bad fic, but I don't think it will be a good enough fic to post without major improvements to the story or writing style. If you'd like to revise and try again, I suggest you get at least one or two reviews from competent reviewers on one of the *chan sites for the fandom or one of the reviewer/editor/proofreader groups on FIMfic with suggestions for how to improve the style and coherence of this piece."

I do not disagree with the idea that this is mostly a set of vignettes linked weakly together and really not a comprehensive story, and in considering EQD standards I'm not disappointed that it didn't make the cut - I had already considered that an iffy idea (That said, I am in the process of writing a longer work in the same vein as the switched-CM aspect that is more coherent and connected than this story)

But one aspect of this comment is the "your prose itself were more engaging or your comedic elements were better executed" that I'm looking at, as an area that I do want to try to improve, but not seeing how this isn't the case with this work itself. I don't know if it is a issue of my choice in the short format I used here (I simply wanted to play with the idea and gauge response at the time) such that I can't expand, or if my writing is sometimes that dry.

Thus, this is less a request to thoroughly copyedit or breakdown the work, but more - "How can I improve this?" The other factor is - is there really more that I could have told in this specific approach that would make even rethinking an attempt at EQD submission worthwhile? I don't think there is, but that's my opinion.
>> No. 126940
Okay, so I sort of messed up when I was submitting my fic for review, so if anypony needs to look for it just ctrl F for EXPLOSIONS??? and look for my original post. Sorry for derping...
>> No. 126941
File 136254986161.gif - (470.61KB , 493x278 , tumblr_ls249cGKyr1qjydh2o1_500.gif )
126941
>>126938 (The Day Before by Masem)

I'll take this one from here, boys! I need something to take me off the brain fart that I'm having with my story right now.

Do you think you can gdoc this for me, please? I think this is one of those cases where using the chat feature there will really help.
>> No. 126942
File 136255447039.png - (292.58KB , 1000x1000 , Rainbow Aran.png )
126942
Title: Metroid: Friendship is Magic

Author: Digi

Tags: Normal, Adventure, Crossover, Dark

Synopsis: Samus Aran has known only one constant companion in her life. Death and destruction were her greatest skills, and aided her career greatly. When the Bounty Hunter finds herself in a whole new world will she be able to cope? Will she be able to find and keep them, or will Death follow her even across dimensions?

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AX7k9jPprsXnkSBNRw0p6lxdH6EJ7cJOXO8y8cZj2Mo/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 126943
>>126941
Gdoc link
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lOLkeZv0eRHuHS9eJjfOyrhhoH2UX3nUA6paXfF5acM/edit?usp=sharing

should be commentable.
>> No. 126944
File 136259168531.jpg - (54.18KB , 610x960 , 538821_307587399317312_219035891505797_734004_1990277588_n.jpg )
126944
>>126940
It has been fixed.
>> No. 126946
File 136262363249.jpg - (192.44KB , 548x600 , Dirk_Strider_full_1123447.jpg )
126946
Title: Out of Her Element

Author: Dandido

Tags: Adventure, Dark (what would be normal anyways?)

Synopsis: History has a way of leaving out key details, and changing to suit the writer. Out of Her Element follows Sweet Heart, a noble pony who is forced out of her unhappy but comfortable life, only to find herself at the center of events that will violently shape Equestria for the next 1000 years, including Celestia's rise to power.

prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b7C6eLMPgR7khrg2wICIhiD7d4re8ptlSHUaChNiNY4/edit

chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kcTQildIsZzWhJfeW-aU7jsyDoTNVahgoLXw6SHLmt4/edit

should be commentable. This is my first fic, but feel free to be brutal in your review.
>> No. 126947
File 136262520278.gif - (303.95KB , 498x411 , 1348099432553.gif )
126947
>>126946
fixed submission form.
>> No. 126950
>>126938
Sorry I'm late.

Anyway, some of the thoughts I had on the story.

I agree that this really wasn't much of a story, but more along the lines of brief snapshots.

I guess for me, the problem was the fact that the mailpony seemed to be "forced" into the story. If I were writing something like this, I would try and avoid doing something like that altogeher. I saw that you had Fluttershy and Rarity talking with each other at the beginning. I would have done something to transition over to Pinkie using Fluttershy, such as having Fluttershy going to Pinkie to check on some fritters that she was supposed to bake for the party.

One more thing I can suggest is possibly having moments where the mares do things that reflect their true talents, but they don't realize it at the moment. For instance, Fluttershy could guide a little herd of bunnies through the town on her way to Pinkie. She'll think it was nothing too spectacular, but I think the fact that they still have that aptitude for their old talents would be a nice addition.

Overall, I thought it was cute, but it's just bare bones right now. I think making smoother transitions from one perspective to another would do wonders. I hope this helps!

P.S. The second chapter to Ruby is almost done. Would you be interested in reviewing it?
>> No. 126953
>>126950
On Ruby, yes.

Yea, that was my feeling. The feedback otherwise suggests that I could go forward. My first effort (partially written, presently on the backburner) is to consider the events of a past episode but in light of the alternate versions (framed by Twilight just being curious to the whole matter to understand it more) The aspect of hinting of their true talents is something I had considered too.
>> No. 126962
File 136273290655.png - (219.91KB , 475x324 , Screenshot (14).png )
126962
Yoo hoo!!! Oh Masem!

My next chapter is ready for you to look over!

You can see it at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Tds2uBRdCYZg8AlJIC5rf79bHlImbzCoB01DT82BXz4/edit?usp=sharing

Yeah. It's still a pile of crap at the moment. Right now, the concern that I've got is trying to get the flow right. I put a super-big comment at the beginning of the doc.

Anyhow, it's time for me to go to bed. Gotta get up early to practice some dance moves with my partner!

p0n00b

Last edited at Fri, Mar 8th, 2013 02:04

>> No. 126963
File 136275145783.jpg - (154.14KB , 640x480 , Writer_Pondering.jpg )
126963
>>126527
I’d like to apologize again for the delay and this review not coming to my standards of depth. I’ve had some important IRL things crop up in the first half of the week and caught a nasty virus in the second. Hopefully, my advice will still be of use to you.

Asterisking review because I am under the mistaken impression that anyone will ever review my reviews.

The usual disclaimer: remember to take all of my advice with a spoonful of salt, as there are no rules in writing, only tools to be used properly. If you follow my advice to the letter, you’ll end up with a story written to my tastes, not your unique vision. Instead, use this review to point yourself in the right direction to improve.

Summary:

An alien ship appears in the sky above Equestria. The Princesses notice it, and, remembering that Discord was another thing to come from space, go to intervene. Twilight ends up doing First Contact. Also, there’s OC’s.

Before Reading:

I should note that I’ve read this story when it was first posted on the TG. I’ve meant to review it, but Grif beat me to the claim. This revision certainly reads better and more original than the first version, so I can congratulate you on that

Specific Notes:

I’ve commented on most of the particulars in the doc. Here are some more general notes on your fic.

1) Mechanical problems—mainly in the form of spaced em-dashes and double spaces. Simply find-replace. I am by no means a grammar buff, and your fic also has some problems on the punctuation front. I recommend making a careful sweep-through. I’ve pointed out what I’ve noticed.

2) Ellipsis overuse. You’ve got 27 of those in one chapter—on almost every page and sometimes several times in one line of dialogue. That is definitely too much. In general, every punctuation mark indicating emotion (such as the exclamation mark and the ellipsis) should be used sparingly. With every use of a mark, the strength of each individual mark diminishes. A rule of thumb (and a very tongue-in-cheek one) is to use no more than one exclamation mark per page. Something similar can be said of the ellipsis—I’m not sure that your characters trail off in dialogue that frequently. At least, not in a way that warrants so many ellipsis.

3) The word “almost.” Interestingly, there were only four instances of it in the text, which isn’t too bad, but the usage of those four made me note that as a separate point. In general, it is much better to use more specific verbs or descriptions than doing a more abstract one with a modifier. This applies not only to “almost,” but to any such modifier. I recommend rewording.

4) Point of View. I’ve made a note of that in the doc, and since it seems that you want to go for a limited viewpoint (I recommend this), you’ll have to take great care with making your viewpoint consistent. Limiting yourself to a single viewpoint can have several positive effects on your fic—it’ll be easier to write, for one. The first scene between Celestia and Luna is the greatest offender with this, with the viewpoint skipping between them.

5) Dialogue. There were several instances where the dialogue seemed unbelievable. Call it more of a feeling, but I don’t think that that’s how characters would talk. Keep an eye out for your dialogue. It might also be useful to ask for a second opinion on this.

6) I’m seeing two potential plot holes in your story, although they’re pretty subjective. The first, which I’ve already noted, is that the events are taking place after the day of the coronation. It seems like too much of a stretch to believe that it’s just a coincidence, and it implies several complications that you may or may not address—like the ramifications of Twilight’s transformation. I don’t think that having time pass between the events would make for too much of a difference, and you can use the off-screen events to establish such things about Twilight as mentioned before.

Another thing is Discord. I’ll be honest here: “Keep Calm and Flutter On” ruined many a headcannon, including mine. So, with the backstory of Discord’s coming from space and wreaking utter havoc—including Luna’s corruption—seems less likely with how easily he’s been forgiven on the show. I can’t find any “grimdark Discord” interpretations to be plausible anymore, but this is a personal opinion. Just want you to keep that in mind.

7) The OCs. First and foremost: in their introduction, the focus is on their physical descriptions. We’re told their color schemes and manestyles and cutie marks. This is not a good approach. As most accomplished authors agree, concrete, significant details are the lifeblood of fiction. Concrete details are the ones that appeal to the senses, that which can be visualized (or realized through the other senses). But details must also be significant. They should contain some idea, judgment or both. What you give us when you describe your characters is a list of features, not unlike an all-points bulletin. It gives us information, yet tells us nothing about the characters themselves, about their personalities and their role in the story. Yes, this also extend to cutie marks, although they’re a more complex issue due to being symbolic representations of talent, which, if significant, should still be realized through character presentation, and not simply told to us through a visual detail.

The second issue I’ve got is that their whole scene goes out of tone with the rest of the story. I take it that the Telescope Trio are going to have a major role in the story, otherwise they wouldn’t require so much attention. No problem with that. But, as I have noted in the doc, their personalities conflict with the tension present at their introduction. You’re going for a serious tone, and the excited, almost childish attitude they display seems really jarring. The way you introduce a thread of romance (I assume) to them is also pretty out-of-place and cliché, reminding me of anime. I’m not saying that those personalities are inacceptable—only that the scene itself should be tweaked, with the tone dialed down for better harmony.

Endnote:

A note which I would apply to the entire chapter would be that nothing truly significant, original or eye-catching happens. Not saying that your fic is clichéd or hasn’t got anything new to say, but there’s hardly any “hook” in the first chapter. We’ve got a spaceship and the beginning of a first contact scene, but the fic could go every way from there. What I suggest is to write the second chapter and see if the two could be merged. There’s nothing bad about having larger chapters, and many readers consider them to be preferable.

All in all, I’d say that this is an improvement over the first version you’ve posted, especially in the plotting department. Do some revision on this chapter, especially with the POV, and move on to the second part. Good luck and keep writing!
>> No. 126970
>>126962
Don't know if this request got into the queue since it was more informal but just in case, I have completed it (though gdocs chat).
>> No. 126971
>>126963

First: *breathes huge sigh of relief*

Second: Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Third: If you've got the time, I'd like to discuss a few things.

>1) Mechanical problems

I knew spaces and em dashes didn't work, but the muscle memory (space-alt-0-0-1-5-1-space) was so ingrained I sort of ignored it. Fixing was easier than I expected, incidentally. As for double spaces, I'm in the habit of double spacing after every end-of-sentence punctuation mark, and it looks like one or two slipped through. Should be fixed as well.

>2) Ellipsis overuse.

True. Sadly true. That's probably going to take a while to fix, and it's certainly a problem with chapter 2

>3) The word “almost.”

The reason there were only four is that I removed most of them immediately after you posted the note. Like the ellipses, I'm afraid.

>4) Point of View

It was supposed to be omniscient, originally, but the style ended up shifting into limited anyway, so that's what I'm sticking with. Thanks for pointing out the Luna/Celestia flip. I could easily have passed that over.

>5) Dialogue

I've never been great at dialogue, but I'll work on making things a little better. If you could indicate a few of the more blatant offenders in G-docs, that would be grand.

>6) I’m seeing two potential plot holes in your story...

February sixteenth was my birthday too. :(

But seriously, yes, "day after the coronation" was a last-minute splice to jam Twilight's wings into the story. I'll be doing some careful edits on that front.

>Another thing is Discord. I’ll be honest here: “Keep Calm and Flutter On” ruined many a headcannon, including mine.

I had a whole scene outlined involving Shining Armor, a human soldier, an explosive shell, Discord's statue, and a delightful dose of "oh crap," which IS NOW IMPOSSIBLE. Thanks Hasbro.

On the other hand, yes, there's some unfortunate restructuring to be done. The current fix I have planned is that Discord now (and in Season 2) is much weaker than he originally was. That, and Celestia has a number of magical failsafes set on him, which will turn him to stone again if he ever goes back to his old ways. Luna can't stand going near him, and refuses his help on multiple occasions simply because she doesn't trust him.

>7) The OCs.

Oh hell... here it comes.

First, in my defense, there's only one technical OC; Nebula. Star Gazer and Star Hunter are background ponies whom I lifted from the MLP wiki's list. That said, their characterizations are all original.

The problem? They're hardly as important to the story as I wrote them, and I'll be the first to admit that the attention I spent on them is out of place. They need to be there, certainly, but not nearly as much as they are.

There's two problems I need guidance with at this point. First, I need to get a sense of how much information can be left out of their descriptions. I just don't feel comfortable leaving their physical features blank. Second... should I try and learn how the hell to write romance, or scrap that little subplot entirely? It's not story-crucial, but I'd like to keep it, if possible. It would be a good lead-in to a conversation I had planned in regards to the differences in pony and human social mores. Specifically, homosexuality. I'm trying very hard not to make Rainbow Dash that lead-in. I don't think I could live with myself.

>Endnote

I wouldn't mind merging the first two chapters, but there are some key problems with that approach as things stand now.

The issue comes in several places:

1. There are significantly more named human characters than ponies at this point in the narrative, and the humans are all OCs. I've done my best to make them good OCs, but it still feels weird to me. I could bring in more of the Mane Six (particularly Pinkie, since she's going to be involved in First Contact), but other than that I have no idea how to fix it, or if it needs to be fixed in the first place.

2. The events in both chapters run through the same timeframe. This means that I would have to be switching back and forth from pony to human perspective constantly (something which I didn't want to have to do), and I'm afraid the final First Contact scene wouldn't hold up very well. I already have a contingency plan for that, but I'm not sure it will work.

That all said, thank you mightily for the help so far. The amount of simple grammatical errors alone made me realize why I came here.

And I was within two edits of sending the first one right off to EQD... *shiver*

P.S. I just realized that—due to story changes—"Utopia" no longer makes nearly so much sense as the title. Should I cut it off?

Last edited at Fri, Mar 8th, 2013 19:45

>> No. 126978
File 136287876771.jpg - (25.45KB , 323x322 , 1360299413438.jpg )
126978
I no longer require a review for my story, Ambition. I have already received a very helpful, in-depth review, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. Queue maintainers, take it off.

Last edited at Sat, Mar 9th, 2013 18:27

>> No. 126979
To the queue maintainers.

I've gotten the second chapter reviewed by Masem, so I don't need it on the queue anymore. You can go ahead and remove it.
>> No. 126980
File 136289732190.png - (430.74KB , 440x583 , your property just got damaged by SAXTON HALE.png )
126980
>>126531
Looks like an adrenalin fueled thrill ride with IRON WILL™ riding shotgun.
Could be fun. Even though I haven't played Borderlands 2 yet.

I'll review as time allows, considering the tone I might take a page from Tactical's book and do this with some Explosition!®

I'll be back™.
>> No. 126981
>>126980

Warms my heart, bro <3
>> No. 126986
File 136300502425.jpg - (556.59KB , 900x1271 , girlscouts (2).jpg )
126986
>>126980

So here’s my review of EXPLOSIONS???
Since it is a crossover with a larger than life character I decided to review it as a larger than life character. Let the fun begin.
Note: Out of character stuff is hidden.


I’m Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann Co™ and the mann who’s going to review this story into the ground.

Alright little guy, you wrote seventeen thousand words that sound similar to a plot in one of my upcoming printed adventures:
where I take a portal into a world full of hippie bears.
So I find I can appreciate reading this in the few moments when I’m not punching crocodiles, jumping out of planes or using eagles to parachute.
(See Saxton Hale Adventures 101: Brave Dump!)

So you send a guy who is almost like me into a world full of hippie horses.
Then you throw all sanity into a Mann Co™ branded fridge and talk as loudly as possible.

While it won’t win you prizes, it will entertain those who have an interest in Torgue’s character and/or products.
If you didn’t have fun writing it, I pity you and will personally offer to send you a Mann Co™ Ullapool Caber to end your miserable existence.
Of course you had fun writing it, because I’d never send anybody a free sample.

Now let’s get down to the points on which I bravely picked to tell you about.

TORGUELOCK

Now I know those hippies over at EQD ( A future subsidiary of Mann Co™) hate seeing text written in the mannly way.
It’s one of their “rules” but you don’t need to listen to that hippie crap, especially once I get over there, because you made it part of the damn character.

On the other roo, it does become bland.
Like that time my adventures went through that period when I spent seventeen issues killing bears with my damn bare hands.
Many of my readers started complaining that I wasn’t getting enough variety. I agreed and promptly went of to punch a polar bear and then used its body to wrestle a leopard seal to the ground.

Of course Torgue only has one setting, explosions. You get what you choose, like with Mann Co™ products.


The all caps gets tiring to read, but yeah it’s Torgue.
His dialogue is quite amusing, I spent a minute laughing after this one:

"Well you appear to be an extrovert and you happen to possess an obnoxiously flamboyant persona..."

"WELL I CAN SPOUT OFF BIG VOCABULARY WORDS TOO! SPONTANEOUS BELLIGERENT HOLOCAUSTS ARE VOCIFEROUS, VOLUMINOUS, AND ABSOLUTELY INFALLIBLE DUE TO COPIOUSLY GARGANTUAN AMOUNTS OF BADASS!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? GOOD VOCABULARY DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN GOOD INTELLIGENCE.

I’d say you captured it well, but your reader will have to be in the right mood to enjoy it.


The Moral

The entire damn story is laced with Torgue’s ‘kindness’ and ‘respect for women’.
It’s a bloody wonder he managed to run a company like that. I can respect and enjoy that while I buy his company out.

What’s that Bidwell?

Apparently such an attitude is good for public relations.
Of course the only public relations I care about is how many products I’ve sold and where the next batch of jobless hippies are.
So it must obviously work for him, and in the hippie infested world of Equestria it’s going to ensure he sells a lot of products.


Congrats on actually getting educational points to your reader through Torgue. It made the entire story worth while for me to read.


Lack of Depth

News Flash: This story has less depth than a kiddie pool after I’ve brave flopped into it.
It’s completely nonsensical and I like it. I doubt you ever for a moment intended for this to be serious.
and thus earned a non-serious review
You took this to the extreme and shot it around the world twice, like that monkey I pretend I never heard of.
It still won’t compare to my adventure in the world of hippie bears when they meet my bare hands but it’s still bloody good.
If fact on my way back I might pay it a visit to see if I can’t do get that hippie dragon and see if it can philosophize while I jump down it’s throat on my way to it’s heart.

In conclusion

Not much more to say, not that i’d have time to say it.
I have to go find a new set of pristine crocodile teeth for my hat, i’ll probably have to do through four dozen to find enough.

THIS JUST GOT REVIEWED BY SAXTON HALE!


TLDR: It was entertaining, but it’s not something that’s going to get a huge following or be held up as some literary achievement.

But who cares?

Beyond what Saxton has to say: The grammar (beyond overuse of shift) is good, your pre-reader should be proud. My next question is, why did you submit this? There’s so little to really say about it: it’s fun and entertaining but it doesn’t have the serious touch a lot of stories on TTG have, or on the fic boards in general.

On another story I could wax lyrical or patronize, this? Not so much.
Still, it was fun. Just like writing this was.

On a final note: If anyone wants a translation from Saxton’s word view or if i’ve screwed up something by writing this late a night let me know.


Last edited at Mon, Mar 11th, 2013 05:36

>> No. 126988
>>126946

I can take a look at this and have a review ready today or tomorrow. The writing quality if pretty high for a first story.
>> No. 126989
>>126946

Please leave an author email so I can contact you with questions. Also, the Google Doc is not commentable.
>> No. 126990
>>126986
Thanks for the review!
Also, blame Confusedbrony for why I submitted this here (He claimed that the story could somehow improve significantly through a review XP).

Last edited at Mon, Mar 11th, 2013 15:10

>> No. 126991
>>126704
I would like to say that my fic has been reviewed and that I acknowledge.
>> No. 126992
>>126990
Well... now you know this place exists for future reference :P
>> No. 126993
>>126946

I finished writing my review of Dandido's story, "Out of Her Element."

Review link (Google Docs): https://docs.google.com/document/d/12sSJPi_DgCu3ZfNH3X7lugUPndpLDm9VQvfe6BsYIbo/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 126995
>>126942

Digi,

Thank you for posting your fic to the Training Grounds.

Review link (Google Docs):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cBT4AHAIPtI1JRKzay6nTc-Qi-xFW5KauH0FMwSBXo8/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 126998
File 136313953988.png - (72.38KB , 1113x919 , 1353484688243.png )
126998
>>126905

Update: I had a chapter posted soon after this was put up here, and I'm about to put up another one either today or tomorrow. They're both 17k words when I get this one placed up (which will be chapter nine). Even though this is taking a bit longer than I thought it would for a review, I'm still hoping someone would give me some thoughts on the story. Feedback is always appreciated.
>> No. 126999
>>126860

I'm writing a review for Quillery's "Vanilla Twilight." I'll have it ready tomorrow.
>> No. 127003
>>126860

My review of Quillery's short story, "Vanilla Twilight": https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c0Y_4LHaLcDm8FbLNSYRw-TokBx6hmK0dMkxMoxApa8/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127005
>>127003
>>126700

I have recieved both reviews from CaptHyatt and amacita so they can be removed from the queue. sorry for the delay,
>> No. 127006
File 136320117370.jpg - (36.66KB , 254x254 , asd.jpg )
127006
>>126815
Just because I'm curious, how's the review of my story coming along? I'm not being impatient or anything (my fic is over 28K words after all), but I'd like to have a status update if possible.

Waiting on ya!
>> No. 127010
>>126800
>>126807

Sorry about the delay. I’ve had trouble getting computer access, so that is why your review has taken so long to get to you. Related to this, I’ve been working off a printed version for the review. It looks like you’ve changed some things, but a lot of it is still the same or similar, so I think everything still applies. I'll take a look at it at some point and let you know if there's anything new that particularly needs a mention.


First off, a note about the tone of the chapters.
While I like the feel of the chapters, these don’t seem to be the introduction to a dark adventure story that I think you intend the story to be. I haven’t seen the complete plan or read the original chapters, but from what you’ve suggested, I gather that Jericho is supposed to go on some deeply important adventure, where he and the Mane six will battle demons and all sorts of horrible things. Your first chapters give no hint that they lead to such a dark story.

Again, I could very well be mistaken about your intentions with the rest of the fic, but with the exception of the very end of the second chapter, everything that happens is pretty mundane. Now, it is just fine to use an idyllic atmosphere to set up contrast between “home” and the adventure granted, Equestria isn’t Jericho’s home, but you are using it as the initial stage for the comparison. In order to avoid giving your readers genre whiplash when you get to the beginning, I would recommend giving them a taste of, or at least a hint toward, what the meat of the story is going to be like.

As examples, look at how Fallout Equestria and It’s a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door set up their stories. Straightaway, in the introduction of the first chapter in each, there is a suggestion that things are going to change, done by letting the character break continuity a little and suggest that this atmosphere is not going to persist for the rest of the story. They show the characters working through a fairly mundane day and so set up the environment that is the background for their characters. Woven within this initial expository look is the beginning of the main conflict and before we reach the end of chapter, the conflict is set off and we get straight into the adventure.

This type of form works well for the author, because it efficiently reveals background information, sets the conflict, and develops tension, without sacrificing the tone and atmosphere that will prevail throughout the rest of the story. It also makes for a very effective hook. It is good for readers because before they finish the first chapter, they what to expect for the rest of the story.

Jericho currently has none of this foreshadowing at the beginning of the story. In fact, the first two chapters read as though they are completely unrelated to the end of the second chapter where I assume the actual adventure begins. To adjust one of Vonnegut’s rules, start as close to the beginning as possible, and minimise the wandering around the story does. This has improved from the original six chapters I read, in that you had the initial dark chapter, then five of mostly unrelated slice of life, and then a jump back to the dark stuff. Also, I understand that you have the issue of introducing Jericho to Equestria and having him begin to get comfortable in the new place, but this still feels like starting off in one direction, going for a little while, and all the sudden a yank in another.

As for how to get things closer to one coherent story, I guess it really depends on how you want Jericho to feel in relation to Equestria with regard to the adventure.
If you want Jericho to be uncomfortable and unfamiliar with Equestrian society at the beginning of the adventure, then use the initial part to show his unfamiliarity and then start the adventure by the end of the first chapter. Afterwards, he would continue being unfamiliar with Equestria and its citizens until he gains familiarity from time spent with those around him.
In order to make this coherent, the initial setup needs to be limited to one chapter. If this means you have to cut the Lyra scene to do so, then so be it. You can pick it up later, or just use it as a reference for his character, but a good scene put somewhere it doesn’t belong ceases to be as good.

If Jericho is supposed to be familiar with Equestrian society before going on the adventure, then you may want to consider trying something like the It’s Always Sunny in Fillydelphia/Semper Fidelis model, where there is the initial story that sets up the characters, and then a sequel that takes those characters into a different genre. In this case, the current adventure would be your second story and Jericho’s adjustment to Equestria would be the first.

Whichever way you choose, try to get to the meat of the story as quickly as possible. Ideally, the hook that grabs the reader in the first paragraph should be the beginning of the main conflict.

On the topic of the first paragraph, why do you feel the need to have Jericho start off nearly unconscious on the ground? I understand the desire to have something exciting to start off with, but every reader’s initial question will be why he falls and you never explain that or why he is able to get up, since general exhaustion is the closest thing we can infer. Invoking the Fallout Equestria model, you could start out with something like,
>When I first planned to travel to Equestria, I figured getting there would be the hardest, but once there, I could settle down and life would be easy. Wow, was I wrong.
This tells the reader exactly what they need to know about what will happen in the story, while foreshadowing that they shouldn’t expect the idyllic atmosphere to last. It also removes the need for him to wake up off the ground for some unknown and unstated reason.

If you want more of a hook, then emphasise that this is the first time he’s encountered an Equestrian settlement. He’s studied their language for a long time, so he’s obviously invested in getting here. Go ahead and show some of his excitement. Or if he’s been travelling for a long time and would be too tired to be excited, show his relief at finally encountering civilisation. Or he could be angry at having to go this far before finally reaching society. His reaction to reaching a destination is rather muted, and showing how he reacts, however it is, can add a lot to getting the reader interested in him as a character.


Another thing to mention, when you have him make a “mistake” thinking through an Equestrian sentence, you do so in a way that is not particularly realistic. He is translating so he is likely to use the structure of his native language and directly translate words across. Depending on how fluent he is, he might get some grammatical things correct, but mistakes should always harken back to the native language. For example, I know nothing of German, so using google translate, I will probably make mistakes from directly translating without any knowledge of structure.
>I am writing your review
becomes
>Ich uhr schreiben Ihre bewertung

More significantly, this seems to be the only error he makes when speaking. We would expect errors will crop up at random times and not just once. You don’t have to do this too often and as author you have control of when these would happen, so you can use them for dramatic effect. If I were plotting them, I would expect him to have quite a few when he first arrives, which would quickly go down as he gets accustomed to the language and starts getting self-conscious about screwing up the language, goes up a little as he gets a little more comfortable around everyone, and finally, gets to the point where he only makes “errors” intentionally.

As the most significant part toward making the errors realistic, you have him recognise the error immediately and correct it. This happens very, very rarely. To paraphrase a TED talk:
>How does it feel to be wrong? You may describe feelings of embarrassment, nervousness, or other generally negative emotions. However, those are how it feels to realise you were wrong. Until you realise it, the feeling of being wrong is exactly like the feeling of being right.

Now, when we think in our heads, we may catch some errors that we make. But those are because we’ve developed an intuition from using the language a lot. Jericho won’t have that intuition developed because he’s only been working with one other speaker and his native language is German, so he’ll rely on that for intuition. So his intuition will be more toward correcting to a German translation rather than correcting to English.

So the only way he will realistically get errors fixed is by walking up to other ponies and saying something so wrong that they can’t help to correct him. This has the double advantage of being much more entertaining for the reader, as they get to see Jericho put himself in embarrassing situations. You also get to show Jericho’s personality in how he reacts in these situations and how much he tries to save face or challenge the correcting/laughing ponies around him. You don’t want to use this too often, but it is another tool that you can use to develop the story.

On a completely unrelated note, since he’s learned Equestrian from only one pony, in particular, a changeling he won’t have any sense of which of his teacher’s idiosyncrasies are normal and which will make normal ponies really confused. This is a tool that can be used for great effect.


That’s all for general suggestions, on to more pointed storywise ones.
>triangle pattern of white freckles
If it doesn’t come in to be important later, you may want to change the waitress’s appearance. Between the accent and the freckles, we are trained to think “Applejack,” which doesn’t match the character here.


>As a rule, I don’t trust traveling performers, not since my ma and pa...
As oddly as this sounds, I would actually advise against developing bit characters like this, unless he’s going to show up and play a part later. If the character’s only purpose is to be the angry innkeeper and we aren’t going to see more of him, this type of thing is just slowing down the story and giving the reader insignificant details to pick at.


>how hard it is—
Do you know how hard it is to interrupt someone immediately after the relevant word, even though they are still talking and come up with a coherent remark. Even if you were just interrupting with noise, the speaker would still have time to get out a word or two. Besides, he’s supposed to be at least a little unfamiliar with the language, so his grasp of Equestrian innuendo is probably not going to be completely up to speed. On a tangential and probably over-analytical note, as insectoids, do changelings even get erections, or would the innuendo Jericho learned be more relevant to a completely different body part? I’m sure you can find another way for the innkeeper to get angry at Jericho. The lack of bits seemed to be working fine.


>how come I didn’t see that before?
Considering how you mentioned nakedness is hardwired to sex for him, this doesn’t really work very well. You’re missing an opportunity to make a deliciously awkward situation for Jericho right off the bat. Combine exhaustion from travel, struggles with an unfamiliar language, and disorientation from everypony being naked, and you have the perfect opportunity to make Jericho say something horribly wrong. I sure with some creativity, you could have him mistake asking for a room in an offensive way that gets him kicked out of the inn, taking care of both of the previous suggestions


With regards to the rain, it’s established in canon that the weather is scheduled in Ponyville, so that invalidates Lyra’s claim that she got caught out by accident or at least makes it a lot more embarrassing, to the point where she might not admit it. Also, this might make for a more natural conversation point or at least another clue to Lyra that Jericho isn’t from Ponyville.


>culturally obligated to refuse a gift
Where is he picking this up from? You don’t have the extra five chapters of experience for him to draw from, and there’s not a situation where someone is offering a gift where he would observe this custom. Also, he accepted the tea without refusing just a few pages earlier.


The rest of it seems to be the same, so you already have my comments on those sections. As for grammatical stuff, you have some typos, but nothing really systemic, so I’m not sure offering suggestions would be that helpful if you are planning to follow some of my suggestions. If you’d like a quick proofread, let me know and I can spend some time looking over it.
>> No. 127011
>>126735

Claiming "The Wrong Place at the Right Time" by Little Jackie Papercut.

I can have a review ready for this tomorrow.
>> No. 127012
>>126995

Review acknowledged. Thanks for the aid, and I know that there are errors. This is still basically a rough draft and still has a way to go before I am satisfied. You can remove this story from the que, well until I resubmit the fixed version.
>> No. 127017
>>127010

Verdammt noch mal. At least this time, likely on part due to the shorter amount of words, I didn't get as many things wrong.

>Ich uhr schreiben Ihre bewertung
You said, “I clock [to] write your assessment.” My response to that is to note that Jericho's thoughts are in Equestrian: thanks to his experience prior, he is functionally fluent in Equestrian. The only thing I haven't yet mentioned is that it's been a few years since he's since his changeling friend was around, and so his Equestrian is just rusty, but he does know what he's doing... in theory, anyhow. Save for a bunch of prepositions and the V2-Verb order, German is very similar to English, and IRL Germans have an extremely easy time with learning English because of that (so I'm told).

>Now, when we think in our heads, we may catch some errors that we make. But those are because we’ve developed an intuition from using the language a lot. Jericho won’t have that intuition developed because he’s only been working with one other speaker and his native language is German, so he’ll rely on that for intuition. So his intuition will be more toward correcting to a German translation rather than correcting to English.
You make a valid point, though his knowledge in English is good enough that he knows what generally NOT to directly translate. But still a valid point I'll have to take into consideration.

>On the topic of the first paragraph...
What if I started with him walking into that tavern, and then him getting horrificly awkward/nervous because he thinks he somehow stepped into a brothel, and is therefore baffled, which leads him to a bit more screwing up. After a confused alternation with the bartender, he stumbles out into the rain, an eventually ends up on that bench. And then that angel, who appears at the end of chapter two, shows up before Jericho on the bench, offers some heavy hints of darkness to come, and then leaves as Lyra shows up (and as he wakes up).

>Besides, he’s supposed to be at least a little unfamiliar with the language, so his grasp of Equestrian innuendo is probably not going to be completely up to speed.
This is another similarity thing, but that innuendo is pretty much the same in German. It even sounds alike. “How hard it is” and “Wie hart es ist”, which, aside from the word How/Wie, sound almost like saying the say thing but with a funny, funny accent. Ergo, Jericho would hear and understand this, even if it wasn't his first language. Also, because of just who Mr. Welch is, a heroic lech who tends to stay in the form of his own OC-stallion, Jericho has a VERY keen understanding of... the non-polite side of English. While the story doesn't plan to go into much explicit detail, know that Mr. Welch feeds off sexual ecstasy, and wants to transform the changeling race in his image, that they would no longer be monsters but agents of pleasure. That is all to be explained later on, but it wasn't something I wanted to bog down the intro with.

>culturally obligated to refuse a gift.
This is sort of a general European thing, and so Jericho has it as a part of his culture: he's just not sure how reluctant he should be. And, at least in his mind, tea is not a gift, it is a token (think Amerindians and smoking together to sign pacts): if you refuse it, it can only be interpreted as being offensive, at least in the position that Jericho was in. I suppose I'll have to better explain that.

All in all, I need to keep working at this damn thing. Since you seem to think the second chapter is good, I just need to completely rewrite the first one... again (again-again-again). This is a long road I'm on, to do this, but I swear one day this story shall be good enough to earn a place within the hallowed halls of the EQD. If only I were a little better... (ones of these days, I will stop sucking).

Still, after I rewrite this one chapter – and I feel like I'm being a jerk for asking – could I ask your review-opinion on that too when it comes? I find previous experience with the worse product can help me find flaws in the newer one.
>> No. 127019
>>126936

Just found your review of Wake of Mist and Flame on FimFiction and replied to it there. Thanks!
>> No. 127022
>>126735

I finished my review of "The Wrong Place at the Right Time" by Little Jackie Papercut.

Review link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WtVlS1Oz1o9FAjgq9rxRptcvNy8w1xpUhe6fRJNhdS8/edit
>> No. 127023
File 136337675630.png - (132.61KB , 818x600 , 1346593416818.png )
127023
>>126993
forgive the spelling checks I'm trying to belt this out before work because I'm OCD like that
In response:

Grammar, Style, and Word Choice
spelling check failed me to be sure. The document has since been reviewed by a friend so e-mailed me a document outlining about 70 spelling/grammer mistakes. They've since been corrected and the next chapter should be better in that regard.

The Purpose of the Prologue Is Unclear
The purpose of the prologue started out as a writing excersise till I figured out what I wanted to do with the story and to set up the fact that Equestria was in a relatively good place at the time. Jump back a few decades to Sweet Hearts story and it will be quickly apparent that the Equestria before Celestia kinda sucked.

Azure Is a Weak and Unlikeable Heroine
Again, she's not meant to be the actual heroine, but you make a valid point. Her character was supposed to parallel Sweet Heart in that they were both having to leave their comfortable lifestyles, though Azure didn't have ninja ponies to force her out and again reitterate that Equestria was in a much better place in her time. This would be better fleshed out as the story progressed
will consider removing/reworking the prolouge for now
Both my real life reviewers thought she was adorable :(
but yeah, I know where you're comming from.

Don’t Let Your Heroines Duck Out of a Good Argument
Will take under advisment

Consider Different Types of Disaster
Again, parallels between the two characters

Don’t Write About Whiners
under advisment

Check for clichés
The rest of Equestria is not Victoria England. This is planned to be exclusive to Unicorn Nobility whereas most of Equestria is more progressive.

Grammar, Style, and Word Choice Issues
Been rewritten already, though I will go back again to make advised changes.

Put Down Your Thesaurus
Damn you eighth grade English teacher! Will rewrite.

Thanks again for the advise. Will repost when reworked. Will also add e-mail on google docs
>> No. 127024
File 136337687751.gif - (176.69KB , 320x240 , 1356350130913.gif )
127024
>>127023
e-mail is now at top of Chap 1.
>> No. 127026
>>127022
Acknowledging this review, you can take it out of the queue.

I find it odd that you're questioning Honesty based on keeping secrets. Applejack HAS kept secrets, pretty big ones; see The Last Roundup. In this version of events, the secret being kept was one that wasn't anybody's business in the first place, and when keeping the secret would have gotten in the way, she immediately gave it up; that's what makes her honest.

I would also argue that none of the canon Elements were foreshadowed in the first episode except for a throwaway line from Rainbow Dash, and maybe Pinkie. Applejack didn't say anything especially honest when Twilight came to the farm, Fluttershy was only interested in Spike, and Rarity could only have been considered generous in the loosest possible sense of the term.

Last edited at Sat, Mar 16th, 2013 02:51

>> No. 127030
>>127017
I'd be happy to look over the next section.

Just as a note, the majority of things I point out aren't necessarily mistakes, but things that I see that don't make sense to me as I understand the fic and I try to make suggestions to make them fit with what I would try to do. Since I am not a prereader, my opinions may not be the same as other prereaders, so I would encourage you to seek other opinions as well.

Another note: my computer usage has been sporadic, so my review may not be particularly prompt. I'll also try to spend a decent chunk of time looking for typos, grammatical errors, and stylistic things that I haven't particularly been focusing on


>The intuition and translation bit
The main point I wanted to make here was that Jericho correcting mistakes in his head didn't make a lot of sense to me.


>What if I started...
My main problems with that first section were his waking up randomly without any explanation as to why he was on the ground in the first place, and the lack of any tie-in to the rest of the story. As long as it starts with something that isn't a complete red herring and gives the reader a good sense about what they should expect from the rest of the story, then I'm sure it will be fine.
>> No. 127051
Title: Borrowed time / False Sky
Honestly I am undecided about the title
Tags: Dark/Sad
Name: nameless
Synopsis: Celestia reveals to Twilight the story of the sun

Link: I don't have a google account so here is pastebin instead http://pastebin.com/1YHrm7ud

Side notes: I started this about a week ago as an attempt to get past some writers block I was having. Failed to get past it so I've decided to see this through to the end instead.
I've yet to come up with an ending (yet more writers block) hoping this submission will help.
First time attempting to write anything that could be considered sad or depressed and I don't believe I've captured that feeling too well, which is mostly what I'm looking for tips on. It is a dialog drive peace so any tips on how to better capture the characters voices is also welcomed.
>> No. 127056
>>127051
um... claimed.
>> No. 127058
>>127051
Title: Borrowed time / False Sky
Honestly I am undecided about the title
Tags: Dark/Sad
Name: nameless
Synopsis: Celestia reveals to Twilight the story of the sun
http://pastebin.com/1YHrm7ud

I am pleased to be doing something today, so let's begin.

When I began to read your story Celestia is sighing. She has an almost unbearable and necessary task set before her. Evidently she has done this once before, but you say that "it’s a task that never gets any easier" which makes it sound like Celestia has done this not once, but many times before. It is a small inconsistency, and it should be dealt with accordingly. If you would like to maintain a clause of similar meaning, try "she hoped the task would be easier the second time."

I found the whole first paragraph to be a clutter. You cover the setting,and immediately jump into Celestia's monologue. I would suggest that you might rewrite it all in order to better convey what you wanted to say. I am guessing that you wanted to convey that it was a nice day ( in contrast to the imminent revelation, and to introduce the sun to the environment), and that Celestia was dreading telling Twilight something. These are two separate ideas that can both be drawn out and elaborated on. For instance, the first paragraph could be more about Celestia's physical day, where the castle staff found her irritable, and where Celestia checks the time frequently. Let the reader feel anxious with her, rather than simply telling them how she feels and wheat she is about to do. Let her actions and behavior speak for herself.

The second paragraph might be the scene where Celestia goes into the gardens to await Twilight. This would be where you describe her surroundings, and more importantly, how she feels about the surroundings through her actions as well as her monologue.

By rewriting the paragraphs as such, you have the opportunity to show the reader suspense and sadness more gradually.

The meeting of the princesses was a bit awkward. Twilight rushes in with no warning, no explanation other than that she was invited. It is not as uncharacteristic of her as it is for Celestia. In the canon show, Celestia has not once been surprised to see Twilight. Celestia always meets her face to face, and immediately whisks her away for a briefing or to chat. As I see it, Celestia was lost in thought, and did not realize Twilight's arrival. So you may choose to tell the reader about Twilight's arrival from her point of view.

As for the dialogue in their meeting, I found that Celestia was a bit disorganized in speaking. She was rambling. If this was intentional, consider breaking apart what she is saying with a brief description of what she and Twilight are doing. If the rambling was not intentional, then you may want to rewrite it more along the lines of Celestia greeting Twilight as Princess Twilight, making Twilight choose whether or not they would refer to eachother as princesses or by name. It may come across as more organic, or even funny. I know that your story is meant to be sad, but comic relief can actually help make that happen. If you raise the mood and then drop it, it may have a greater effect on the reader. Anyway, consider revising, but you do not have to.

>“Yes, it certainly is.” Celestia responds trying to hide the wave of contemplative sadness brought on by Twilights statement.
Don't just tell the reader that Celestia is suffering from contemplative sadness. I am sorry, but it is far too melodramatic. Instead, consider having Twilight figure out how Celestia is feeling for herself (you know, like you did in the next line where Twilight asks Celestia what is wrong).

You have yet to come up with an ending because you already ended it.
Beginning, Middle, and End
Setting&Characters, Problem, Solution

Celestia is worried about revealing something

She reveals it

Revelation.

That is your story structure as far as I can tell. This is not a bad thing, you are almost done. All you need to do is reword Celestia's final words such that they hit harder, more like "we all gonna die", or show the reader Twilight's reaction right before they disappear from outer space in a flash of light from Celestia's horn.

When Celestia first brings Twilight up into space, she asks Twilight leading questions, forcing her student to ask the right questions in return. That was the best, most organic part of the story in my opinion. Celestia's last speech had too much padding for it to be an ending. She says much, so Twilight should be given the chance to respond to each new fact, more like at the beginning of the scene.

I enjoy the concept for this story, it is quite dramatic. But if you are to have an effect on the reader at all then you have one of two options.

1. Less
or
2. More

1. If your story is going to stay at roughly the same size then you are going to need to get rid of some of the foreshadowing given to the reader by Celestia. In a short short story, foreshadowing should only be given once or thrice, and should directly tie back into the story only at the very end. You spent half of each scene telling the reader that she was feeling sad, it was patronizing. Try to add in the changes I suggested above, and please take out some of Celestia's thoughts. Let her actions speak for her.

In a short story, build suspense and mystery, then lay the truth on hard right at the end, or even beyond the ending. For instance, you could end the story with Celestia gesturing to the black hole if you would like.

2. If you want to make this story big, then there is something you could try, a chain reaction. All you will need to do is detail how the information passes from pony to pony. Of course, you will have to pay more attention to the reactions of characters. If you do this, your story has the makings of a comedy and a tradgedy in one go. The entire story could become about consumer awareness, and a new informed Equestria is made where ponies learn to use their resources more carefully. Or you could have the entire population of ponies dive into suicidal depression and rage to the point where they usurp the throne. Either of these would take a very long time.


Grammar: These are the main grammatical problems and redundancies I found while I was reading. After you have finished your story you can come back to me for more help with grammar and spelling. I would be happy to oblige.

[email protected]

Since the majority of your story is in the present tense, your first paragraph needs to be changed. Celestia stood needs to be Celestia stands,it was needs to be it is, etc.

This sentence:
>It was a beautiful day, the sun was bright and warm, a testament to her power and love, a few clouds doted the sky casting shadows on the castle grounds, a gently breeze blew through her mane, birds sang and chirped, and squirrels frolicked about in the grass near the trees below.
this is a run-on sentences. Consider replacing some of those commas with periods. You also misspelled "dotted".

>All this peace...
Say "All of this peace" or simply "This peace"

>Twilight dutifully follows her former mentor with a puzzled expression on her face unsure of what to expect.
Twilight dutifully follows her former mentor with a puzzled expression on her face.
or
Twilight dutifully follows her former mentor, unsure of what to expect.

>It is as dark as the darkest night during a new moon
It is as dark as the night during a new moon

This review was my pleasure, have a nice day.
>> No. 127060
>>127058
Thank you for your review. I've most certainly learned something about writing dramatic pieces from it. I am currently hard at work rewriting it much of is as youve suggested and will post a second drafts as soon as I can escape from my snowed in house and down to the library for internet.

I would like to ask one question; purely for my own education. What if I were to include descriptions of the characters physical appearences? The reader is, most likely, already familiar with the characters appearance, but I wonder, if I were to choose my words carefully enough, could it be an effective tool to further enhance the feelings of depression and sadness I've been trying to portray?
>> No. 127063
>>127060
You are right that the reader is almost certainly familiar with the appearance of Twilight and Celestia. Going into detail in regards to what they look like is a waste of yours and your readers time. However, you can still describe their appearence in terms of exceptions. Mentioning Twilight's wings is important, because it sets the time frame. Mentioning that her wings are purple would be going to far.

As a tool in writing, describing a characters usual physical traits is better done in the beginning. As the story progresses, any description of the character's physicality should be written in terms of their status. For instance, if you were on chapter 26 and you told us the color of Celestia's mane, or how tall she was, that would be bad. If you are on chapter 26 and you say that her mane is dishevelled, and she was crouching, that would be a useful enhancement.

E-mail me when you post the new drafts. I will not be checking this thread.
>> No. 127065
>>126936
Just letting the maintainers know I saw this. If anything, we'll be taking discussion to FiMfic PMs from here.

Thanks again to Demetrius for the review.
>> No. 127071
File 136375179198.png - (292.58KB , 1000x1000 , Rainbow Aran.png )
127071
Okay I have finished the first edit of this fic. I added a few parts along with a few grammar fixes. Resubmitting it to catch any further bugs and story issues.

Title: Metroid: Friendship is Magic

Author: Digi

Tags: Normal, Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Sci-Fi

Synopsis: Samus Aran has known only one constant companion in her life. Death and destruction were her greatest skills, and aided her career greatly. When the Bounty Hunter finds herself in a whole new world will she be able to cope? Will she be able to find and keep them, or will Death follow her even across dimensions?

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AX7k9jPprsXnkSBNRw0p6lxdH6EJ7cJOXO8y8cZj2Mo/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127072
I'm reviewing stuff on my FimFiction blog and putting links in the spreadsheet. This evening I did "New World, New Threat"

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/143295/review-new-world-new-threat-by-boredhooman
>> No. 127079
>>127071

I reviewed this the first time. I'm happy to look at it again.
>> No. 127082
>>127071

This is my review of the second submission of Metroid: Friendship is Magic by Digi_Lord.

Review link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16Dv4uekAF196OW27EeTp9OXJggdi7BGA62IKg3dQ9PE/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127083
File 136379711340.png - (628.94KB , 900x675 , PrincessCelestia.png )
127083
>>127051

http://pastebin.com/9XT5LWBH

Second draft of Borrowed Time is ready for review if anyone feels like taking a look
>> No. 127091
>>127082

Review acknowledged. Most of the error's you have pointed out in terms of grammar have been corrected. At least I hope they have. Might take me a while longer to get the next version of this chapter done and resubmitted for final review.

I actually am working on several more chapters in this fic at the moment, but your reviews seem to keep causing me to rewrite them even before submitting them here. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
>> No. 127095
>>126878
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EgZBddQlZoGHn28m9UigLE451vSeOHvtx7svWfaEJHY/edit?usp=sharing

Originally posted on 2/28, I am claiming Magic Books, Runes, and a Little Hope, by Ghostwriter the Scribe and Cody the Kirby. I'll be seeing you boys soon, ya hear?
>> No. 127096
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127096
Say, do you know what time it is? *Checks watch; smiles* It's Ghostwriter time! [And Cody the Kirby, but that's more of a mouthful] I've seen you bunch around these parts, and your tenacity has sort of reminded me of myself. I recall getting rather ferocious with you last time, not that I meant any offense by it, and I might go there again. Let's just see. In the meanwhile, let's review, shall we? And see what we've learned!

First thing of note: your font style and text size is different from the first to second chapter. I glanced over the first one, to get an general idea of what I was getting into again, and saw this. You should fix this. I, personally, prefer the bigger style of the first chapter.

>singing his mane
And it sung so well! The correct tense of this verb you “singeing”. Don't blame me, blame English.

>, only just dodging a blast of lightning
And here we go. I just wanted to say that while this line is okay, it would be must better to show how he only just dodged it. Por ejemplo, write about how close it came to him, how he felt the electricity putting his hairs on end (assuming ponies can do this), or otherwise hearing the crack and sizzle of the blast very clearly. Something like that would really jazz this intro up.

>I mean taking on a known killer when you have little combat experience, what a stroke of genius.
Because of how you used “I mean” as an introductory sort of phrase, you need a comma after it.

>“I must say,” he said as his horn sparked with red light. “If nothing else your rather adept at dodging.”
Similar to the above, but not. The period after “red light” needn't be there; it should be a comma. It's like saying:” I must say. [end of thought] [New Thought.]” And then you need a comma after “else”, and the “your” should be “you’re”.

>With a swing of his head, a bolt of lightning shot forward.
This should be attached to the last paragraph. There is no reason it should be all cold and alone like this.

>Ghost quickly pulled a sheet of paper out of his bag. A circular symbol glowed brown before he slammed it on the floor. The bolt hit a large wall of rock that rose from the floor. Ghost frowned as he panted
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about this whole paragraph rubs me the wrong way. Allow me to try to word it, and to ignore the adverb in the first sentence. See, the circular symol, I feel, needs to be on the paper; that is, you need to say this. Otherwise, my first pass over it left me confused as to what this was. Also,
>The bolt hit a large wall of rock that rose from the floor.
Because of where this is in the narrative, it implies that Ghost actually pulled out the paper and did the thing with it literally faster than lightning. You could move this to the last paragraph, or, as I first assumed and was fine with, don't mention where or what it hit

>I’ve spent 3 years of my life basically running from creatures that I’ve ticked off and five minutes of running tires me out, he thought sourly. My only saving grace in this fight is my runes.
General rule you should follow: always write out numbers. You should have it “spent three years”.
But, see , this whole sentence is rather tell-y. Think about it: Who is he talking to? When I'm hungry and need to eat food, I don't think, “The only saving grace from starvation is my ability to eat food.” I already know this; I don't need to tell myself it. This line isn't so much a thought as it is something you'd say out loud right before you kick someone's ass. While you likely intended it to be this, it's not something that works as a thought.
Were I you, I'd have him saying something like this out loud. And that last line would be more like: “Too bad for you, I've still got my runes.” Or, perhaps better yet, cut this line. It's just rather odd, no matter how you word it for this part of the story.

>Suddenly another spire of rock rose to Ghost’s right. As he turned around to try and get out the gap another wall rose up, trapping him in a bowl.
You're aware that a spire is a very definite shape, right? You can't make a bowl out of spires. At best, you could sorta make a box.

>Folding one into a paper airplane,
Really, this should be a paper glider, at best. Think about it: if this story is from Ghost's POV, how in the Nine Hells does he know about airplanes? I can stomach the idea of gliders, but an airplane is not something a pony would really every say/write/think.

>His horn glowed light blue as he touched it to the paper. The symbol glowed before opening a hole. Ghost could see the ceiling through the hole. Wasting no time he jumped through just as Phantom tossed the ball over the wall.
I read this a few times over, and I'm still a bit confused. First of all, which paper did he touch? You need to specify this. Second, where is this hole, exactly? Because of how vague you worded it, I was forced to assumed the hole was in the ceiling of the little box, and so through that hole he saw the room's proper ceiling. If so, how the hell did he jump out of it? Dude must be a champion jumper, or Lara Croft, or one of the protagonists from Assassin's Creed to make that. However, you suggested that the box had no ceiling, in which case, what the hay just happened? This is worded rather... confusedly, and the choice of words was lacking.

>He jumped to his hooves, glaring at a surprised looking Phantom
Surprised-looking*, you mean.

>“Well, well, well,” Phantom said with a smirk. “You’re certainly full of surprises.
Strike that comma after smirk, and merge these two sentences into one, please.
>Rune Magic.
Why are these capitalized? They really shouldn't be, since they're not a proper name, title, location, or what have you. This is especially notable because “regular magic” is not capitalized at all.

>“Then why do you want the Rune Guide if it’s so inferior?” Ghost asked. Gotta keep him talking, give Flare more time, he thought desperately.
Rune Guide assusing it's the title of a book, should be italicized, since that's what you do with book titles. If it's just what it's called but is not the title, than ignore this.
Also, those thoughts, I feel, should be in their own paragraph. If you're going to treat thoughts here as a sort of dialogue, I would give them their own space. Also, “thought desperately”? Remove that adverb. In fact, avoid adverbs like the plague, especially if it's possible to explain away the adverbs. In this case, the nature of the thought is desperate enough that it gets that message across, no need for the adverbs. While adverbs can be good in situation where it's hard to get the message across — “I would so think,” he said coldly —those are fewer than you'd think.

>“Well, it’s quite simple,” Phantom said. He narrowed his eyes and smiled, an action Ghost found rather sickening. “It’s a form of magic I don’t have and that just won’t do.” He laughed, making Ghost shudder.
This here is what I call Ghostwriter Paradox: in the same lines and about the same thing, you manage to be bland and tell-y, and yet also give some good show. What does that mean?
When you say “an action Ghost found rather sickening”, you're telling me how he felt. When you say “making Ghost shudder”, you're showing how he felt. See? If for the first line, you'd said, “...and smiled, making Ghosts' stomach do a backflip”, you would have told. In the latter, you said it made him shudder, which showed me how it made him feel. This shows me that you've the ability to show well, and sometimes you do, but you often don't, and I'm not sure why.
Also, you need a comma after “I don't have”.

>Phantom dashed forward, slashing his sword horizontally.
Cody the Kirby is right, this needs to be re-written. It's poorly done, and is 100% tell, no show.

>Ghost smirked. And ponies called me stupid for putting steel on the spine of my travel journal.
Here's an example of expository thought done well enough. Just a note, though: his praising of himself here makes him look a little arrogant. If you're going for that, cool.

>He pushed back Phantom sword while slipping past him. A solid strike to the back of Phantom’s head gave him just enough time to gain some distance.
It ought be “Phantom’s sword”. Also, how did he do this? You tell me, you don't show me.

>Phantom growled. “Now you’re starting to tick me off.”
That first period should be a comma, not a period. And while stating your feeling is usually bad, it's used here in a place that a person might actually say, and so I won't complain.

>Ghost couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, I tend to do that.”
Goddamnit, Ghostwriter Paradox, stop slugging me in the jaw. This line here shows Ghost to be more than a fair bit cocky when he starts getting the upper hand. A bit of arrogance and cockiness can work wonders when you seek to bring a character to their knees.

>Phantom quickly fired a blast of magic. Ghost quickly rolled to his left while simultaneously folding a rune into a plane.
Instead of “quickly rolled...”, did you ever think about writing it as “Ghost threw his body to the left, simultaneously...” That's far less tell-y.
In fact, I think I see your problem right here, and it's one I seriously emphasis with: you don't do very good action. Seriously, I don't either. I suck at it. But when you box yourself into these long, long actions scenes, your writing falls apart. You are much, much better as dealing with emotions and such, not quite so much with “punchy-punchy-stab”, if you understand. In my experience, this means you're with a “character-driven” story, rather than an “action-driven” story. Your problems here stem from trying to write not as what you're clearly best at.

>Just my luck, Ghost growled.
Wait. His thoughts growled? How does that happen? [Were I thou, I would get rid of the tag, keeping the thought all by its lonesome and without modification.]

>“Rather pathetic colt, rather-”
Okay, because Ghost is being addressed as “colt”, there needs to be a comma before colt. Also, that's the wrong kind of dash. The one you want is a — (alt+0151). That's the dash that shows interruption... or pauses, depending on the author [Burn in the Inferno, F. Scot. Fitzgerald!].


Last edited at Thu, Mar 21st, 2013 08:35

>> No. 127097
>Suddenly the plane lit up and exploded. Phantom flew back and slid across the ground.
Attach this to the last paragraph, because there's no reason it should be alone.

>Oh, I accidently grabbed the blast runes with the twenty second fuses.
Attach this to the end of the last paragraph, too (a different paragraph, but here's why). See, because the thought is sort of affected by the paragraph, and because the paragraph has no dialogue, this thought belongs snugly with it. Also, it's spelt “accidentally”. And the flow would be better as “...the timed blast runes.” [After reading ahead, I can see why you specified the time. But, still, phrase it shorter. It lets the reader feel more clever when they figure out what Ghost's doing later on.]

>“Full of surprises, aren’t you, colt.” He smirked
Did you know there are other ways to smile? For example, here's one Phantom could use: “He smiled, baring far too many of his teeth.” But all this bastard does is smirk, and I want to smack him for it.

>“Gah,” Ghost cried as he jumped out of the ring of fire that erupted under his hooves. He quickly took stock of his now singed feathering.
Remove that dialogue. In next, never write sounds out like that. It would be better “Ghost cried out as he...” Also, what the hay is feathering? *One Google Search Later* Oh, that. I wouldn't use that word; at first, I thought Ghost was somehow now an alicorn. Perhaps you could use his fetlocks instead?

> Well, I did say I needed them trimmed, he thought nervously.
If you followed my suggested and struck out the dialogue from the last paragraph, then you should stick this to the end of said paragraph. But now here's a problem: I disagree with this tag, to be honest. After was just happened, this feels line a cocky line, not a nervous one. This is why your words to speak for themselves: the feel of these words is a sort of wise-crack, but tag is different. When these conflict, you've done something wrong. Either get rid of the tag and let the words speak for themselves or, no, this is what you should do. Thought if you want nervousness, consider changing the words.

>Not working, he thought worriedly. Time for a new tactic.
Get rid of this. It's annoyingly placed, and it really doesn't do what you think it does. It might seen clever to write this, but this is something that his actions should speak for.

>With a smirk, Ghost willed the runes to strike
Now he's doing it too!

>Phantom swung his head down, summoning a shock wave that knocked Ghost backwards.
You know, if Phantom ever joined a punk rock band, he'd be a real killer. [I apologize for this joke. But, really, head-banging that summons doom rays. This is what I was thinking as I read this.]

>He gritted his teeth as he felt himself collide with the floor two more times before sliding to a stop. He struggled to his hooves, his ears ringing and the beginnings of a splitting headache forming.
You began two sentences in a row with the same word. You know the problem here, yes?

>Okay, that really hurt, he thought, clenching his eyes closed. But he fell for it.
No. Don't tell me how he feels. Wait! Thought. As he was falling through the air, that would be a perfect time for him to give a quick psychotic smirk, the kind that says, “You just fell right for my trap”, and it's a verb that shows this. You should do that.

>Ten seconds, he timed. Keep him talking.
In meiner Meinung [my opinion], this scene would be cooler if Ghost just began counting out loud. “One. Two. Three.” And instead of trying to keep Phantom talking, Phantom gets confused, and then annoyed that Ghost is ignoring him. At the end, he just says calmly: “Boom.” Or his smile gets bigger, almost maniacal and evil. And then explosion. That's just what I'd do, though.

> “What,” Phantom asked with a raised brow.
Oughta be a ? after “what”.

>Flare ran through the Museum’s halls, the only sound heard being his own breathing and the pounding of his paws on tile.
Why, hello there, good showing example of one's emotions. The Paradox strikes again!

>I can’t remember the way back! he thought in a panic.
No need for the “in a panic” bit. We can already surmise this.

>Tears stung his eyes as his fear fueled imagination conjured pictures of Ghost bloody and broken.
Fear-feuled*, you mean. Also, this is nice showing here, with good imagery to help convey his emotional state. If only the Paradox weren’t your crux.

>Despite being two-hundred years old, that was only two by kitsune standards.
This is really out of place. There is nothing about anything here that would make him say, “oh yeah, I'm basically two.” Get rid of it, please.

>He sniffed again, this time a scent breaking through his panic.
Splice this with the similar line from the last paragraph, so that it becomes: “He sniffed the air, a scent finally wrestling his attention.”

>“Did he?” he gasped. A second later he sighed with relief.
Eh. That second paragraph is a bit bland. Perhaps you could spruce it up?

>“Yes,” he cried as he rounded the corner. However, his cheer turned sour. “No,” he cried. “No, no, no!”
Not gonna lie, the dual use of the word cried here is fairly clever enough. But the second sentence here is weak. It would be better to the flow as something like this: “Then his heart stopped.”

>Before him was the entrance to the art wing, but the large door was closed.
>His tears returned as he desperately scratched at the door, his cries of distress dissolving into yips and barks.
>“No,” he growled. “I’m not giving up now.”

All of these would work if you put them together with the paragraph with the cries. Do this, please.

>Backing away from the door, Flare lifted his two tails. He growled as two blue flames formed on their tips. He lunged towards the door. With a quick frontflip, the two flames shot at the door leaving a charred hole which he jumped through.
Two sentences end-to-end that begin with the same word. Fix it. Also, this example of jumping through a hole is much, much better than Ghost's scene.

>I can’t sense Ghost anymore and, and, and I can’t tell if it’s because of how far away I am or if Phantom got him
Cut this. It's pointless with the next paragraph.

>“Princess, me and Ghost were with the Rune Guide and then Ghost...
Sigh. Normally, I would tell you to put a comm after each use of the word and here, but being as how it's spoken as it is, it'll slide here.

>“Easy, young one,” Luna cooed.
I don't think Luna would say “young one”. Granted, it's valid, but it's not something that she or Celestia, as I feel, could say. Saying “little one” would feel better here.

>The poor fox was so scared that he could no longer distinguish whether he was speaking Equestrian or barking.
Aaand then suddenly the Paradox's worst effects ram us. This would be better as: “Flare tried to speak, but he was speaking so fast that he could no longer...”

>“Flare” Celestia said sternly. “Take us to Ghostwriter.”
Comma after flair, and then merge these tow sentence into one. Also, this is where you should have ended the chapter, not the next line. This line is more dramatic.


Conclusion:
The Ghostwriter Paradox is a problem of yours, how to weave between good show and poor tell. I'm almost entirely sure that you're not an action-writer, you're a character-driven writer, and so your focus on action is not your friend. If I am to be perfectly honest with you, because you note how this book is stolen anyways, I would completely rewrite this story's beginning. He can be at the party, but rather than leave and wander off to the wherever he goes, he gets informed that the Rune Guide is missing. Thus the start of the story is more of an adventure-mystery, not a long, long, fight scene between characters we don't know enough about to truly care for yet. As he tries to figure out who stole the book, that's where you get us invested in Ghost here, as we learn who he is, and what the stakes are.

I know it can be hard, but I feel like this would get around your... paucity of skill with action (a dearth I share) and instead focus on your strengths as a character-driven writer. You, I feel, can write a much better character-driven work than an action one. The part about Flare in this chapter, for example, was by far the most enjoyable scene here, as you really dug into his fear and panic, and hardly told. If you wrote a story about that, it would be much, much better. It looks like it was written by a different author, even. Maybe it was, with one of you two actually being the writer of one scene, and the other one wrote the other scene.

So I know you're not talentless, but you're applying yourself to the wrong aspects. You need to write to your strengths, avoiding what your weakness but while also trying to improve those weaknesses. Get us invented in Flare and Ghost; that's what draws in readers, good, interesting characters. Perhaps even have the tone of the story being a mystery-thriller as he hunts down Phantom, knowing that if he isn't clever, tenacious, and fast enough, countless ponies will die.

For example, I don't read, say, things by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (they usually co-author) because the stories themselves the most interesting (they are, but...); I read them because the characters, especially Agent Pendergast, are extremely fun an interesting to read. I'm always eager to see how he'll outthink and outwit everyone else, and that his mannerisms are just fun to watch. This is how Ghost should be: interesting for these reasons, unique for cool reason, not Mary Sue ones. And if you focused on that, I really think you could do it, and really pull of an unique little story. But only one you begin writing to your strengths.

I hope this helps, and never give up writing!

Last edited at Thu, Mar 21st, 2013 08:40

>> No. 127098
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127098
>>127097
Thanks for the review Crushric.

I will now work on improving the chapter.

This is supposed to be a character-driven story, with a little action thrown in. This and one or two other scenes are the only action based scenes I have planned.

B.T.W: No Crushric, I am Cody the Kirby! BWAHAHA!
>> No. 127100
I'm new to this so hopefully I'm submitting this right...

Title: The Desert

Author: Ladypteranodon

Tags: Slice of Life

Synopsis: Star Swirl has been traveling the world in search of a time spell. But when he finally finds one, he gets an extra surprise: a spell that a mysterious unicorn calls "his destiny". But after a series of mistakes causes him to take a long detour to a terrible desert colony, he starts to wonder if his destiny is really that close at all.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/91113/the-desert

And yes, there is a password to view it. The password is just "password".

Last edited at Wed, Apr 10th, 2013 15:06

>> No. 127102
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127102
>>126804
First off, accept my apologies for taking so long. Real-life overtook me. (Read: Anno 2070). Anyway, here's my long overdue review. Disclaimer: All comments and views expressed are solely my own, and should not be regarded as the final authority on the subject. In other words, you're free to disagree.

Okay, so I taken the liberty to convert your first two chapter to GDocs and do a line-by-line there. (or stream of consciousness, rather.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j0MPsoReQ_7wMozMZgTBmsb2eh7i_3OvhDgwjxt4qFU/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gaT6GO0wFbQ2LrwRsrKBRT-6fk0OubUHm9ZphqDJpj4/edit

Here, however, I'll address the fic as a whole.
I'll confess. I went into this expecting a subpar TCB fic. However, you exceeded my expectation quite pleasantly. This is quite cleanly written, and I have nothing to quibble about the technical aspect of your writing save two things:
your colon and semicolon usage.

By Celestia, you really do love them. Certainly, they have their uses, and when used write, they add ... something of a charm to it. But you overuse (and misuse) them both to the point where it becomes annoying to read. Examples:
>Morning Dew: mother.
>My mind reeled: she worked with the Royal Sisters sixty years back?
>But if that was the case, why didn’t her name come up in any story or article related to the event; in fact, neither did any of the other representatives – it seemed the sort of topic that couldn’t be forgotten.
>My ears flicked to attention and my eyes widened at the remark about the Princesses: claiming that the Royal Sisters were wrong about something?

Note that, in the four examples from your second chapter, only the first and third can be objectively said to be wrong. The rest is more subjective, but in my mind, it makes the sentence(s) very awkward to read and all of them can be replaced by either a period, or a comma to have the same effect. Consider:
>My mind reeled. She worked with the Royal Sisters sixty years back?
>But if that was the case, why didn’t her name come up in any story or article related to the event? In fact, neither did any of the other representatives – it seemed the sort of topic that couldn’t be forgotten.
>My ears flicked to attention and my eyes widened at the remark about the Princesses. Claiming that the Royal Sisters were wrong about something?

That leads into the second problem. Due to your liberal use of semicolons/colons, you tend to construct overly long sentences that are very awkward to read.
> My thoughts were too befuddled; I needed to clear my head of conflicting ideas and set the table to plan the rest of the day and a shower would freshen my mind anew.
Again, technically it isn't wrong, but it distracts enormously and makes deciphering your text hard. I can only recommend that you reread your work and break up these sentences where you encounter them.

Style-wise, you're going for an easy, descriptive first person style, which I have no quibbles. One thing that concerns me though is how the prologue and first chapter seems to be about the same POV character, when it is only revealed later that it is not. Maybe it's me being dumb and not getting things, but it threw me off for quite some time when I first started reading the first chapter. I'd recommend you make it clear(er) that the two chapters are about different characters. (and in a different time. The transition wasn't clear) Your narration also tends to ramble on when you're expounding on something, but it isn't too bad and probably a matter of style anyway.

Concerning the story. As alluded to earlier, this was better than I expected. Kudos on having the ability to world-build your post-TCB Earth without resorting (much) to tedious info-dumping. I am a little disappointed at the choice of Lyra for being (again!) the one who became obsessed with humans. Seriously, it's like every second Lyra fic has to have her deal with filthy humans in some way. But I digress.

Characters, I think you presented Crystal Clear personality well. He comes off as an inquisitive, if naive pony.
Your other secondary OC ponies all seem like they're actual, living, breathing characters instead of being a cardboard cut-outs to suit a story.

And... that's it. I wish you luck in your writings. Been awhile since I had nothing to say.

tl;dr Well-written first person TCB. Colon and semicolon abuse. Drags a little in the beginning.
>> No. 127103
>>127102
Review acknowledged, and I'd like to thank you for the review. I very much appreciate it.

I will reply to some of the more individual issues that you've brought up later as I haven't got the time to do so right now.

Okay, I'd like to first off admit that I am not a writer, I have never done creative writing, and certainly not in English. Everything I've written is based on what I've learned by reading actual books and stories by professional authors, so I try to avoid technical issues but as you see, I'm not perfect and neither are my pre-readers (who came in after the few chapters).

In hindsight, yeah, I could cut down on the use of colons and semicolons. However I will say that I'm writing a sort of stream of consciousness for each character, meaning that in some cases the awkward sentence structures or the overly long sentences were made on purpose. I am literally transcribing what goes through the character's mind as the situation unfolds as they perceive it. How often are your immediate thoughts coherent? A bit of an ambitious writing style considering my skill, but that's what I'm aiming for.

As for your opinion on the story and characters, I appreciate that you find them adequately developed.

Once again, many thanks for the review, and I hope that you enjoyed my story as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
>> No. 127104
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127104
Good evening everyone. I wrote this one about six months ago and I decided to ask if it was good for EqD's standards. They told me that storywise it's good and the pacing works, but there are some phrasing issues and I'm ESL. Don't expect much work, it's 10 pages long more or less and most of it has been fixed, but there's still some awkward wording here and there that I can't really put my finger on. A little hand from someone that is a native speaker would really mean something.

The Hounds: Grimdark

The story of Screwloose, narrated on the walls of the padded cell where she has spent the last years of her life. The beginning, the descent and the end, all written on those blood-smeared walls.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/49495/the-hounds

It's a loose crossover with "The hounds of Tindalos" by Frank Belknap Long. Lovecraft stuff.

Some words from the prereaders:
"Well, the broken phrasing works on the scribbles.But once you get to the end, you change speakers and minds.you being generic youMost scientists, and definitely most researchers, are measured and paced in thought. Formulaic, almost, so that they are prepared to handle shocks.I would suggest to the author that he consider how someone who has erected strict rules in his own mind would approach unsettling possibilities.The topics discussed do not need to be changed.Just the way it's communicated."

Thanks in advance.

Last edited at Fri, Mar 22nd, 2013 13:59

>> No. 127105
>>127083
"Quite a site"
>quite a sight
Soon after
Echo's
>echoes

This sentence is awkward. Twilight remembers books that she never read?
She can easily recall every one of the dozens of books detailing countless theories about the nature of these dark phenomena that she had ever read.

The last line could be better, but I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I think it is ready for an audience.
>> No. 127106
>>127103
I doubt very much we'll be using semi-colons/colons in our thoughts. Were we to transcribe our thoughts, the common punctuations would be periods, commas and ellipses. Even if you're aiming for stream-of-consciousness, you should first and foremost subordinate that style to clarity. Nothing turns me off better than vagueness that serves no purpose. Lose the colons and semicolons, and you'll find they'll be very much less awkward to read.
>> No. 127109
>>127105
The last line felt kinda cheesy to me as well. I'll see if I can come up with something better.

Thanks for the review. I've learned a lot.
>> No. 127114
I feel half lousy and half relieved, but it's here nontheless, for what it's worth:
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/144439/review-chasing-clouds-with-rainbow-dash-by-cloud-chaser
>> No. 127118
>>127106
I'll consider it. Thanks again!
>> No. 127119
>>127104
I, Crushric, do claim this fic, "The Hounds", by Trelatyraelis, originally posted on 2/22. Clocking in at 3,256 words, you can probably expect a review sometime later this day.

As for you, Trelatyraelis, I am unaware of the inspirational material, and I shall be looking heavily over your ending. I'll do what I can to help whatever problems are there.

But keep in mind that I'm just a viewer reader with an opinion.
>> No. 127123
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127123
Here you are, Trelatyraelis. One review, fresh from the oven. Enjoy!


>I stifled a laugh. I just couldn’t help myself, you know? I just couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that they have no idea what is coming. They’re simply oblivious to what it’s going to happen to them, safely inside their houses,
First line. My thoughts? “This story is not a traditional narrative, so many, many rules are thrown out of the window.” Ergo, I need to be liberal here, understanding that you'll be breaking rules on purpose and for effect. However, this first paragraph appears to be more of a narrative, so, in my opinion, it should follow the rules like that. This story begins in the past tense; the rest of the narrative should be told as such. Yet the second half of the 3rd sentence swaps senses, and the tense wrongness continues.
So, you need to conjugate all your narrative verbs in one tense of the other: past or present. Also, in the past tense, you can't really use contractions like you are. “They're” means “they are”, not “they were”. The last sentence would have a better flow as: “They were simply oblivious to what was going to befall them, so safe in their houses.” I would put a period there at the end, but, and I should say, the style here throwing of tradition, I believe. Were I you, I'd put it there.
[After reading ahead, you should write all of the above in the present tense. Meaning change the first few sentences, plus the few later on, to reflect the present tense.]

>Locked you’re locked and can’t get out
>living their everyday life. Outside.
>Up above the world so high…
I see what you're doing here, trying to show crazed thoughts, thoughts which don't follow our normal order... even though my reviewer sense tells me that these should have proper grammar.

>   Oh yes. Yes they will.
Eh... words like “yes”, in cases like this, are usually followed by a comma.

>***
Is this scene break necessary, so early into the story? In fact, my earlier gripes could be solved by doing away with this first scene. The first words of the 2nd section are something better of an intro.
[After reading ahead, I understand why the short scenes. These are sort of blurbs from Screwball's life, right? Ignore this comment. Still. The tense errors in the first entry need to be looked at.]

>I’m writing this on the walls...
From this line onwards, the narrative, for what it is, gets clearer to read, obeying more convention rules of grammar. Since I can see that you're not trying to go for “broken grammar insanity”, I feel justified in pointing out punctual errors.

>Oh I hope you do.
Since “oh” is something of an introductory clause, it's supposed to be followed by a comma.

>two and then I hide them in a rip of one of the pads.
Comma after “two”. Also, instead of “in a rip”, it'd be less awkward as “in a tear within one of the pads”. The preposition “of” is improper here.

>I’ll miss that nurse.
Between this and the next section break, you have two empty lines. For the others, you had a single empty line above and below the scene breaks

>...the problem I begged them not to.
Comma needed after “problem”.

>...my knees and beg crying not to wash away my last words for this world.
Comma after “beg”. Also, instead of “for this world”, it should be “from” this world.”

>It’s not my name you’ll understand, but appropriate if you have to recognize me by just looking at my flank.
Comma after “name”. Instead of “you'll”, make it a standard “you”. The second clause in this sentence is awkward, indeed. Perhaps it'd be better as: “...but perhaps appropriate, judging by the mark on my flank.” Same general meaning, different flow.

>...to answer me them when you’ll come here, …
This “you'll” should just be a standard “you”.

>Not that in this place it makes such a difference to be dead or alive.
Change this into: “Not that it makes much of a difference, being dead or alive in this place.” Less awkward, no?

>I’ve seen ponies that just stare in front of them breathing.
Due to the tense shift (an appropriate one), you need a comma after “them”.

>Then again, what is reality…
Should probably end with a ?, not an ellipsis.

>I hope you’ll be a good talker, it’s been a while since I have talked to anyone that isn’t carrying a baton or a straightjacket… and we both know that a dead mare is a poor conversationalist.
Change the grammar into this: “I hope you’ll be a good talker; it’s been a while since I've talked to anyone that not carrying a baton or a straightjacket—and we both know that a dead mare is a poor conversationalist.”

>I may not be perfect, but my words are wise and when the time comes they’ll be sorry they haven’t listened to me.
Grammar: “I may not be perfect, but my words are wise; and when the time comes, they’ll be sorry they didn't listen to me.” The change at the end is against awkwardness.

>...that want me to rip my eardrums off!
Because eardrums are inside the head, the preposition ought be “...eardrums out!”, not “...eardrums off!”.

>We can have fun together, we could play games!
That comma should be a semicolon. Also, either both of these words have to be “could”, or both have to be “can”. Basically here, the word “could” is the subjunctive of “can”. These can't really coexistent in the same sentence. Not like you used it, anyhow.

>I was a history teacher, oh so long ago but there’s no reason to delve in the good memories, they always make me sad and angry and when I do that I start hitting things and then the guards come by and I’m scared because I don’t want them to erase my life and my work and everything was fine back then-
Grammar: “I was a history teacher oh so long ago, but there’s no reason to delve into the good memories; they always make me sad and angry and when I do that I start hitting things and then the guards come by and I’m scared because I don’t want them to erase my life and my work and everything was fine back then—” [I understand the general lack of commas here was on purpose, so I won't bug you about it.]

>Sometimes I have these moments, I don’t quite know how to call them, and everything seems melting,
Grammar: “Sometimes I have these moments—I don’t quite know what to call them—when everything seems to be melting;”.

>What I have done has only been an act of mercy.
Grammar: “Everything I've done has all been out of mercy.” Much less awkward.

>I tried running after him but he was too fast.
Comma after “him”.

>No one.
After this line, there are again two lines between the next page break. Fix this up, why don't you?

>When I woke up I was
Comma after “up”.

>If I told them the name of the things that will come for us they might turn insane too
Grammar: “If I told them the name of the things that would come for us, they might turn insane, too”. Note: after any clause with wherein the word “when/if” is used, that clause always ends with a comma.

>One day they’ll surrender.
A two line gap till the next asterisk line. Fix 'er.

>They kept asking me questions and stayed there even though I kept laughing and I started hitting the wall with my head.
Comma needed after “stayed there”.

>do.[/d] They keep...
Huh? Is that “do” meant to be there.

>They asked me if I wanted some sheets of paper and I said no, because paper fades.
Comma after the first use of “paper”.

>If I remember the name they will come.
Comma after “name”.

>Unluckily, it’s impossible for them to stop them.
Unfortunately is the word you should use, not that other one. Also, there are two lines between this paragraph and the next scene break. Fix it.

>One of the ponies even called me Grasshopper in the big mirrored room.
Change the word order to: “One of the ponies in the big mirrored room even called me Grasshopper.” Otherwise, the sentence word order implies she was called “Grasshopper in the big mirrored room.”

>They’re nicer.
Same spacing problem. From now on, I shall not be mentioning it, whether it's there or not.

>Instead he just smiled at me...
Comma after “instead”.

>I looked at the second letter and I head-butted the floor.
You don't need the second “I” here.

>If I finish the name,they will kill me.
A space between the comma and “they”.

>If they retreat then I’ll talk to the doctors
Comma after “retreat”.

>I’m not insane.They are real.
Space between the 1st period and They.

>All my work can’t have been wasted like that.
Awkward: “All my work can’t just be for naught.”

>The hospital staff is good but I prefer them to be mad if the hounds leave me alone.
Various reasons: “The hospital staff is good, but I'd prefer them to be mad, just so long as the hounds leave me alone.”

>Two came around today.They’re not pleased.They will come and get me.
Spaces between the periods and there words, for both of them, They.

>Even if I close my eyes I can hear them. I can’t do this. If I’m going to die I’m at least going to tell their name. I press my hooves against my eyes as deep as I can until it hurts and I can still see it.
Commas needed after “eyes”, “die”, an “until it hurts”.

>The fourth letter is D.
Bravo to you. By the time I got here, I actually began writing notes, writing down the letters as they came. I was genuinely surprised how interested I was with learning the name. So, kudos to you. When I realized just how into this I was getting, I just had to let you know. Good job. I'm now interested in seeing how this pans out.

>butthey didn’t stop howling all night.They
Spaces needed before you know which words.

>There are three of them now.
Shouldn't this usage of “them” be in italics, too, since it's referring to the hounds?

>I found myself barking too after some hours.
Clever of you, why she was barking in the episode. When I read this, I was interested even more. I'm not sure how you've done it, but you've made this more interesting than I would have thought, weaving your inspiration material in this just a throw-away gag from the show. Color me intrigued, and, again, kudos to you. I'm really diggin' this little story.

>If I hit it the bottom they won’t listen to me.
Comma after “bottom”.

>I asked to be brought to the glass room I saw some others come around from the corners.
You need a word like “when” after the word “room” here, mate.

>I’m an easy prey, …
The phrase is “easy prey”. Ergo, she would say “I'm easy prey”, not “an easy prey.” Don't ask; it's just how we speak.

>I know my days are counted.
Grammar: “I know my days are [b]numbered
.” When used to mean “will come to an end; have a limit”, things are numbered, not counted.

>The hounds of-
When interrupting, the correct punctuation mark to be used is an em-dash, a — , created by alt+0151 . Keep this in mind.

>I try to crawl away but even when I close a door behind me I find them in front of me.
Comma after “away” and “behind me”.

>I have seen myself dying in hundreds of horrible ways.
Awkward: “I've seen myself dying hundreds of horrible ways.” Es ist besser, ja?

>I found some strange doodles and drawings on the sheets of paper that I can’t recognize and understand
Awkward: “...that I can neither recognize nor understand.”

>O. what a beautiful round letter. Full of perfection. Nothing can get inside that small circle. Not even the hounds.
“What” should be capitalized. Also, I really liked these lines: atmosphere and cool.

>We are [name redacted by Special Agent Crushric].
Ooh.

>“How is 623 going?”
Whao. What just.... oh, I see. The word “going” should be “doing”, and “623” would look more... science-y as “6-2-3”.

>Unstable, doctor.
Because the word “doctor” here is being used as a title, it should be capitalized.

>I’m surprised she hasn’t died of food poisoning already, that food is mostly mold
That comma should be a semicolon.

>When we gave her another one she ate that too.
Comma needed after “on”.

>We will need to move to another cell if she
Awkward: should be either, “We'll need to move her to another cell if she...” or “We're gonna have to move her to another cell if she...”, depending on how you want the nurse to sound.

>Yes, I understand… keep giving her water. She’ll weaken sooner or later. I will be needing photos of those writings too, when she has cleared the cell.
A few things here. The “...” should be a period, and thus “keep” should being its own sentence and be capitalized for it.
“She’ll weaken sooner or later” sounds a bit evil. Change it to: “She'll tire herself out eventually.”
“ I will be needing.” Protip: In English, we almost always contract the word “will/shall” into “ ’ll ”. If you don't, the speaker sounds unnatural, stilted, robotic, and just plain wrong. So he should say “I”ll be needing...”
And there should be a comma after “those writings”.

>I don’t know sir.
Comma before “sir”. Also, were I you, I'd have it be “Sir”, capital S. However, because a capital S in “Sir” technically means you're talking to a Knight, you don't have to capitalize the S. I just like to.

>It’s something I’ve never heard before in my life.
Awkward: “It's not something I've ever really seen before.”

>“Yes, doctor.”
Titles, please.

>As the intern walked off the door, Shrinking Cog sat down and poured himself a glass of bourbon.
Awkward: “As the intern left the room...”
You know, this line would make for a great way to begin the POV change. More on this later

>He’ll look at that tomorrow in the public library
“He'd” would be a better word, much better here than “he'll”.

>Schizophrenics tended to do that. Sometimes they create an imaginary friend, sometimes another identity, sometimes a pack of hounds.
I don't know why, but I rather liked that line. Don't ask why, I just found it neat.

>“the smell of… rotten meat?
Question: How would a pony know what rotten meant smelled like? I'm probably just nitpicking here, but I was wondering this.

>He didn’t even have enough time to scream as the grinning monstrosity teared off his jugular.
Grammar: “...grinning monstrosity tore out his throat.”


On the ending.
I liked it, but it was too fast, and the pre-reader was correct: it's handled in a way which could easily be better. As I see it, you should have began like with “As the intern left the room, Doctor Shrinking Cog sat down and poured himself a glass of bourbon.” From here, establish that the Doctor had been looking into his case for days, having been strangely fascinated by Screwball's story. Mention that'd he'd already been to the public library, and found something about the name, something old and what have you. Have the doctor be highly interested in this case, even though he knows he should probably just leave it.
Perhaps you could note that the whole story, as it probably was, was just the Doctor going over the Screwball's file again, looking for anything. The reason he's pouring the Bourbon should be because he's at wit's end, and he doesn't even know why he's so concerned about this. He's trying to figure out the meaning of [Name Redacted], but he can't figure out why he cares.
After all this, he's tired, exhausted, needs to sleep, and perhaps getting a bit tipsy. That's when he sees the grinning hound standing across from him. You could even end it there. Leaving the ending open, sort of.

Overall, I liked this a lot more than I expected I would. Kudos to you, English being your second language and everything. Save for the occasional wrong prepositions and lack of contractions when they should be there, never would have guessed. Fix the errors, and give the Doctor a reason to be at a slightly weakened mental state at the end, and this story’s golden. (After revising it, if you'd want, submit it back to the Training Grounds and ask for Crushric; I'd be glad to assist a revised ending)

If you've any questions, feels free to ask. I'm here to help.

Then again, I'm just a reader with an opinion.
>> No. 127125
>>127123
First of all, thank you for being so quick with the review. I shall fix the grammar and awkward sentences right away and tomorrow I'll start working on the rest. I'm very glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you for your help, I haven't been here in... what, ten months or so? It's good to know this place still works like clockwork.
>> No. 127132
Third Time's a charm.

Tags[Light Shipping] or [Strong Friend-shipping] Take your pick

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash is many things. Awesome, radical, amazing, and at least twenty percent cooler than any other pony in Equestria.
She is also lost, lonely and uncertain. Not that anypony else would know.
During the day she is everything everypony expects her to be; fast, daring, and adventurous, but when the sun goes down, she is left alone with her thoughts, with herself. Tired of simply yearning for something more, she sets out on a night of soul-searching and stumbles onto a friend in need, and maybe, underneath the vanilla twilight, she finds something more.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10RT3DKiuctzrGq29oacGUwKPQ0z0X3UaRqKjJVCt_vU/edit?usp=sharing

Submitting for the third time, after slogging through it from amacita's very thorough review.

link to his review for reference is here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c0Y_4LHaLcDm8FbLNSYRw-TokBx6hmK0dMkxMoxApa8/edit?usp=sharing

Major issues I believe I have addressed
-Found an editor
-Said editor helped weed out awkward sentences/phrasing.
-Modified opening to be a proper Scene
-Modified certain interactions with Rainbow Dash that may have been perceived as Out of character. I did not fully agree with certain aspects of this issue, but I still made an effort to tweak it so it was not as apparent.
-Cut down on misplaced or dangling modifiers. Some overused descriptors may still be present, but as long as they are not blatantly incorrect, I allowed them to remain as the story is based around a vivid, meaningful atmosphere in its prose. Some people like it, some people don't.
-Viewpoint errors changed/fixed
-Stimulus/reaction changed/fixed
-Opening has been trimmed, but not overtly changed in its tone of Dash's thoughts regarding her friends. The story has her realizing she is missing something in her life, and is trying to find that something in those she cares about.

I would not be opposed to amacita reviewing this a second time. In fact I greatly welcome it if he actively watches this. His review was by far the strongest in moving me in the right direction, and I'd like to see what his opinion is on how much/little I've improved the story since his last view.

Last edited at Sat, Mar 23rd, 2013 23:51

>> No. 127133
Sad, Slice of Life, Human

Friendship was one of the most important things in police officer Logan's life. But when a bullet is sent through him by his best friend during a bank robbery, his thoughts on friendship drastically change. Miraculously, Logan somehow ends up in a surreal place. He happens to land in a fantasy-like world that he initially doesn't take seriously at all. But as he learns more and more about this enchanting land, he begins to realize that the absolute masters of friendship exist in this world.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/91276/those-in-need

I'd appreciate a review of all chapters.

Really find you people amazing to take the time to review unpolished, imperfect writing. Thanks!
>> No. 127139
>>127133
I, Crushric, do solely take you, "Those in Need", by Xenmas021, posted on 3/24, to be my meat review for the day.

For Xenmas021: Since your story is rather short, expect a review later this day. Though be forewarned: I've look you over and seen that you're a new writer, and I'm not going to be easy on you. In fact, I might even be harder than usual. But take heart, dear Xenmas21, for criticism is the only way you're going to improve. I guarantee you that Mark Twain wasn't born a brilliant writer; this is how he learned.

If you have any requests, speak now, or forever hold your peace. We shall see each other soon.
>> No. 127143
File 136415666554.jpg - (128.34KB , 1600x1324 , fluttershy_pissed_spitshy.jpg )
127143
[To the official TG monitor guy: This is my fifth finished review. Does that mean I get a slot on the “Training Grounds Regulars” list? How does that work for me?]

In the end, this review clocked out at around 8,000 words. That's a solid 2,000 more than the story I reviewed, and I hope my efforts to help you showed. You've a lot of problems, but also a spiffy bit of potential that is not to be overlooked. Anyway, without further adieu, I present to you thy review.


First impressions: Your summary. “Written in the first person with small third person pieces, despite the description... My apologies if the description is misleading,” you say. In truth, that doesn't breed much confidence in the reader. Further to that, the idea behind this story—human getting injured/killed, ending up in Equestria—isn't exactly new. However, there is no such thing as a bad idea, only had execution, so I won't fault you on that.

>Being tasked to breach the building that was spewing out bullets at alarming rates was no help either.
For clarity's sake, I should be “...the building that had bullets...”, since otherwise the verb “was” implies that the build was alive and itself trying to shoot you. Also, a comma would be handy after “no help”.

>I heard a few screams from behind me to press forward, which I somewhat trusted as the loud, disturbing bangs had silenced.
Handy tip: Never say words like “few” or “stuff” when you're narrating. To quote Uma: “Stuff is quite possibly the most generic phrase in existence. It takes my imagination out behind the shed and makes it sit in a corner for several days, without food or water, and then mildly asks it to go on a nice vacation to the Sahara Desert where it can appreciate true scenery.” Speakers in dialogue, however, are free to do what they please.
This sentence is also a bit awkward, thanks to the conflicting directions indicated, and the word “as”. In the latter half of this sentence, the word “as” confused me, since you used the word “as” a synonym for “because”, but because of how far away it is from the word “had”, I read it all as a tense error. Perhaps something like: “I heard screams from behind me, ordering me to advance, an order I placed a modicum of faith in, since the loud, disturbing bangs had finally silenced.” Of course, that’s just me: word it however you please.

>I began to walk up the stone stairs of the majestic bank, being positive to keep my head down as low as possible in case fire opened again.
The verb “to begin” is pointless here. Try to avoid it and its sister, “to start”, when describing action. To quote Ezn's guide: “Wounds begin to bleed, opponents begin to fight, and barrels start rolling down hills. It’s stilted and usually meaningless – why not just say that the wound bled, or the opponents fought, or the barrel rolled down the hill?”
Also, “being positive” just feels wrong here. In my opinion, “making sure” feels more appropriate.

>I was glad I did so as the air suddenly cracked and I witnessed an officer in front of me get brutally shot. I laid down low and hugged the stairs, pointing my shotgun up the stairs towards the bullet-eaten doors.
The adverb “brutally” here irks me. Either get rid of the adverb, or actually describe how the officer was shot. Show me how it was brutal. But other than that, thus far, you don't have any major issues with “show, don't tell”, which is a good sign for any burgeoning writer.

>We were in a formation where there were two lines of armed officers on either edge of the stairs, so the cops behind us could shoot without anyone worrying about the ones breaching the bank getting hit. At the same time, …
This could be shorter and less awkward. Like: “We were in formation, two lines of armed officers on either side of the stairs, allowing the men behind us to shoot without worrying about friendly fire.” If you do this, then get rid of the “At the same time” line, too.

>Nevertheless, they got a few well-aimed shots on a couple of officers. The line across from me suffered two casualties as our line pressed on,
Ah. Here's a problem with Tell. Here, you should show us the shots hitting. More for us readers to work with, see?

>...going on ahead, as ...
That comma is extraneous. Kill it, please.

>Even if I was able to, I would only be able to see dust, fragments of stone from the stairs and pieces of clothing being splayed around the air, as a result of the raining bullets..
Put one of those two ending periods down; there's one too many alive at the end. Also, this sentence is nice showing. I approve.

>Surprised hadn't pissed myself,
Put a “that I” after “surprised.”

>...I held my weapon up to see the other two members of my line running into the building. I pursued and made my way into the bank.
This is about where I stopped and asked, “What the hay is going on?” Think about it: the police aren't known for storming buildings with run-of-the-mill officers; they do that with SWAT teams, or otherwise heavily armored troopers. I mean, looking at just how many officers are getting shot here, the police of your city must really suck, letting so many die when they have professionals on hand. And I'm pretty sure they'd tear gas the building first. If the narrator IS a SWAT officer, you don't indicate this anywhere.
Furthermore, how the hell did he manage to get inside with those gunmen by the door? I mean, there must be more, right? [I'd also like to add that the line “The officers on the street took too long to dispose of the two masked men” is a bit tell-y, and its position from the narrator storming the building left me a bit confused, at first.”

>It was a large bank, with the side across from the entrance completely taken up by glass windows protecting the employees serving the would-be customers.
That first “with” can be removed. Further, the last half of this sentence is entirely in the wrong tense. It should be more like “...by the glass windows that normally protected employees as they served their patrons.” Also, “customer” isn't exactly the proper word to describe someone using a bank, so I'd use “patron”.

>I saw another man, this one masked with an idiotic horse mask and in a blue suit and tie,  speed
While I know what you mean, the word “Another” here messes with you. It should just be “a man.” Also, there's too big of a space between “tie,” and “speed”. Fix that, please.

>I saw the wall behind me shoot out fragments of wood that fell onto of me,
The word order suggest the wall itself shot him. Perhaps you might say: “...parts of the wall behind me exploded, peppering me with wooden shrapnel as I aimed at the perpetrator.”

>...he retracted behind what he considered to be a wall.
Since you are not a psychic, I hope, you cannot say that the other person “considered” something. However, if you say “what he probably considered to be a wall”, then there is no problem here.

>I was relieved that it was about to end since I knew my trusty buckshot could pierce through the cubicle's thin, hollow walls.
Eh, perhaps with is a matter of style, but I could strike out that “since”, and replace it with a semicolon between “end” and “I knew”.

>I squeezed the warm trigger, moist from my sweat and expertly took in the recoil of the gun
A comma after “my sweat” would be appreciated.

>I then heard a rapid, ...
Eh, the usual word order here is “then I”, not “I then”. Just throwing that out there.

>...both gushing out a red liquid .
“Does he mean blood?”
“Let's not make any assumptions.”
[This is a pet peeve of mine, not saying “blood” when you mean blood. If you wanted to me out, you could word it as “a certain red liquid”. That's just me, thought.]

>When he did this, my heart leaped.
The word “this” is extraneous. Put it out of its misery.

>deep, wise, voice.
Kill the comma after “wise”. Also, and this is just me wondering aloud, but, how is his voice? He's a criminal. They don't tend to be so wise.

>...as a second thought.
Just a note here: there are two ways to phrase this, both correct, both with the same meaning. “A second [2nd] thought”, and “A second's [time] thought.” You don't have to change anything, it's just that I wanted to make of note of these.

>...flipped the safety of his gun off using his thumb ...
Question: Why the hell was his gun's safety off? He was robbing it bank; the safety should have been already off, unless he's legitimate a more.

>You're my friend, and still are, but buddy, …
He just said the same thing twice. What you want to say is, “You were my friend, still are, but, buddy, …” Also, because “buddy” is a term of address, there needs to be a comma before and after it, which I added in my little rewrite.

>Yet, I saw it falter.
That comma is extraneous. For the most part, you don't ever need commas after a conjunction like “and, but, yet, etc...”, save for certain types of dependent clauses that I won't get into. Suffice it to say, when it's just the lone word at the start of a sentence, the comma needn't be there.

>...instead of the horse mask.
I understand what you were going for here, but this part of the line isn't needed, and, if anything, looks silly. Kill it.

>But his face hardened up again after a second, and he scrunched his face in determination
You sort of just said the same thing twice. It'd be less repetitive if said: “...a second, scrunching his face up in determination.” In said case, it's a clarification, which is all fine and dandy.

>Instead, my friend I always cared …
The word “my” would be better is replaced by a “the”

>...I deeply valued—friendship—had gotten me killed.
You just used the em-dash correctly, and you're a new writer. I love you, and ten points to the Harry Potter Quiditch team of your choosing.

>This stupid idea that our friendship would cause him to help me got me killed
“The stupid idea...help me had gotten me killed” is a better way to word this.

>As I fell, I decided …
That comma don't need to be.

>if Jordan, of all people, could still hurt me …
Commas here don't exactly need to be, too.

>...friendship has no value whatsoever.
Tense error in the word “has”, which his 3rd-person present perfect. The correct tense is “had”.

>Time stumbled but my mind raced, as everything became slower and I had
See that comma? Clone it into two more commas, kill the original, and put the clones after “stumbled” and “became slower”, respectively.

>My effort into forming a bond with someone had just been thrown in the trash, without a second glance. I had been thrown away, just for some worthless green paper. I wasn't going to let someone who didn't care for people's lives at all …
Oh, boo hoo. We all got problems. But on a critical note, why was he friends with this Jordan? I mean, you have given me no reason to really think that Jordan and the narrator's friendship was that important beforehand. Sure, it's tragic, what's happening, but why did the narrator feels so strongly attached to Jordan beforehand? You might want to show a brief flashback or something like that. Or better yet, at least a quick remark, even if it is slightly Tell-y, just so long as the events gives us an idea of why the narrator thinks Jordan's so important. [After reading ahead, I see where you did this in chapter 2; however, at least a small nod to this in the first chapter would be much obliged.]

>...world of the horrible, deceiving …
“...of that horrible,” would be a better phrasing.

>But after those three shots I stopped.
Comma after “shots”.

>I dropped both my hands to the floor and felt warm, wet grass...
You used the verb “dropped” in the last sentence; find a new one here. Also, wet grass is usually cool, not warm, but that might just be me getting nitpicky.

>My face was greeted by lavender plants growing all around me, hovering in the wind only inches away from me. I was in a sort of small clearing, in the middle of a forest.
Stop.
I know I said I wouldn’t rant on this, but I just gotta. Too many damns times does a HiE [Human in Equestria, to those somehow unfamiliar] start out in the Everfree Forest. And after reading ahead, it states it was the Everfree Forest. Why not start somewhere else? Anything, just so long as the story doesn't start in the Everfree Forest. Maybe on top of a Manehatten Skyscraper, for added lulz has he tries to climb down the building's stairwell, only to find doorways too small, and ponies working in offices?

>My face was greeted by lavender plants growing all around me, hovering in the wind only inches away from me
This has a broken structure. The verb “growing” implies he was watching them increase in size, which I don't think you meant. Get rid of that verb, please. And the latter half of this sentence, after “hovering”, is unessential. Strike it out, too, please.

>I calmed my rapid breathing and felt where I had been shot. There was nothing there.
>I understood very quickly. I had died. I cursed aloud and shifted my body to be kneeling as I slammed the soft dirt with my fists. I wanted …
A lot of sentences [and both paragraphs] here begin with the same word, “I”. Since you weren't use a stream-of-consciousness thing here, you should reword these to separate the “I”s. As a guideline rule, try to avoid starting two sentences in a row with the same word.

>I wanted to kill that bastard badly, but he had beat me to it. Tears hugged the bottom of my eye and eventually rolled down my face. I wiped off my face and idly kneeled  for moment, staring at the grass.
Perhaps you could spend a bit more time showing his anger, show us how it affects him, and then move on. Or, proceed with the story, but have him still angry. As it stands, he gets over the whole “I’m dead” thing pretty quick.
Also, there's an extra space after “kneeled”. And speaking of which, the correct past tense of “to kneel” is “knelt”, not “kneeled”.

>Trees were coexisting with the meadow as far as I could see.
This is... kind of purple. It'd be better as: “Before me for as far as the eye could see was a meadow overgrown with trees of all sorts.”

>A sleepy orange haze was my source of light
“The sun?”
“Don't be too hasty. Who knows what it could be.”
This line here is clearly purple prose, at least as far as I'm concerned. You could improve it by giving it a direction—mention it being in the air—or somesuch.

>...and I noticed many what I assumed were insects were meandering about …
This clause should begin with a comma. Also, “many what I assumed were insects were...”? That's weak. Just up and say “and I noticed a multitude of insects flying around”. At least that’s stronger. You're the writer; for all intents and purposes, you are the god of this world you make. Unless you have a reason to doubt something, call it what it is. Be bold when you write, dammit.

>It was untouched by humans and it was astounding to be in the middle of the surreal meadow
You broke the rules here. These should be two different sentence, since they express different, unrelated main ideas. Also, the “untouched by humans” bit should be removed, since he doesn't expressly know that. For all he knew, he could just be in a nice part of the Allegheny National Forest, which is very much touched by humans. Unless you're implying we men destroy all we touch, in which case, I object heartily.

>It was as if nature was psychologist that knew the workings of my mind, and had presented me with this place to spark clear, calm, serenity in me.
This bit is... awkward. It just feels wrong. I think you meant for this to be almost philosophical, but it really is just odd. It'd be easier if you just scrapped this line, and the following bits associated with it, in my opinion.

>Funny, because the last thing I wanted to feel was clam.
CLAMS! — that thing nature wants you to feel.

>...if some omnipotent force sneered and pointed its finger at …
A “had” would go well after “force”.

>I would have not cared about the noise if I had ...
Use contractions, no matter if your writing teacher told otherwise. You could use an “I wouldn't have” and an “I'd”.

>It appeared as if it was some African-cat, since the color and size matched
There are many kinds of big cats in Africa. You should thus specify the animal, please.

>But it began to elevate into the trees, as if it was flying.
“Elevating into the trees”? The hell is that? Just say that it took off into the air, flying—it's less stupid.

>I would have not cared about the noise if I had been standing on leaves,
Wasn't he kneeling, not standing? Also, why were there no leaves beneath him but leaves around him in the forest?

>I was a bit scared, but overall accepting of whatever weird shit I may experience.
Too much tell, not enough show. Show us him being a bit frightened by this, and then show us, at least in his head, why he just shrugs it off.

>I stared into the uninviting blockade of gnarled, fantasy-like trees and decided to follow the animal, since I had no idea where else to go.
I thought you said this was a meadow? What's you're describing here is a forest, not a meadow peppered with trees.

>I wasn't sure whether I should be thankful there's other... lifeforms (Well I was dead so it was odd to say other things there were still alive) or whether I should be worried that these other entities have already noted my presence and have begun to survey me.
A few things wrong here. You have a tense error in “I should be”. Whether you believe it or not, words like “would/could/should” are not always past tense; they are often “subjunctive”, a verb mood expressing doubts and wishes. Because of this, you should write: “... whether I should’ve been thankful there were”. See, because “there's” is singular and also a tense error. Further, take out that “...”, it's unbecoming of a narrator to say.
The bit in parentheses is off. Try to avoid parentheses if you can, using em-dashes when you absolutely have to sue them. And then, it needs more commas, one after “well”, and one after “dead”. But were I thou, I'd get rid of it.
Last bit: “noted my presence and have begun to survey me”? How does he know that? If I woke up outside and scared one of my neighbor kitties, I wouldn’t automatically assume the cats were watching me like an episode of the Twilight Zone. This statement is just really weird and illogical.

>I reasoned that it was impossible for whatever it was to harm me anyway, and left the clearing.
> [Earlier] It appeared as if it was some African-cat, since the color and size matched …
So... a thing at least as big as a leopard, a dangerous predator that can kill a man dead, cannot possibly harm a human? I mean, because of that old statement about size, I assumed you were talking about a manticore, which was at least as big as a male lion. Either way, your description described an animal that could easily in reality life KILL YOU DEAD. One of these statements is thus illogical.


Last edited at Sun, Mar 24th, 2013 13:32

>> No. 127144

>I reasoned that it was impossible for whatever it was to harm me anyway, and left the clearing.
> [Earlier] It appeared as if it was some African-cat, since the color and size matched …
So... a thing at least as big as a leopard, a dangerous predator that can kill a man dead, cannot possibly harm a human? I mean, because of that old statement about size, I assumed you were talking about a manticore, which was at least as big as a male lion. Either way, your description described an animal that could easily in reality life KILL YOU DEAD. One of these statements is thus illogical.

>Fluttershy desperately tried to catch her breath. She cursed herself for preferring walking rather than flying, as it led to the creature noticing her presence.
*Rubs eyes* Look, I'mma be honest with you: don't do this. Do not swap your point-of-views like this. It's one thing to change from different 3rd-person POV's, but from 1st to this? You really, really shouldn’t do that. It confuses the reader, it is seen as a sign of lower-quality, and it just feel jarring, ruining any immersion.

>She had been preparing for bed when she heard three crashes of what sounded like thunder out in a peaceful part of the Everfree Forest.
There's a much better, far less awkward way to describe that crack of gunfire. Also, GUNS ARE NOT THAT LOUD. It would only sound like thunder if it was fired, like, within yards of her, but certainly not with something as weak as a 9mm pistol (assuming he's using the standard police-issued kind). At best, she'd hear an odd, quiet cracking noise that just sounded out of place, nothing at all like thunder. So, unless you're firing a .50 cal. anti-tank rifle within her house, it really wouldn't be that loud. Hollywood has lied to you about what guns sound like.

>...of the animals in the part of the forest where it came from.
Shorten this whole bit to “...of the animals in that part of the forest”. Much less awkward.

>That part of the Everfree had the least scariest animals ...
“Least scariest” is improper English. It's like saying “most scariest”, in terms of gibberish-nish. The proper feeling words you want here is “least frightening”.

>In fact, many of the animals she now housed had been from that part of the forest, and had eventually warmed up to her.
Doesn't the show basically state that Fluttershy is pretty much automatically good with animals; that all beasts are, by both their natures, warmed up to her?

>However, her investigation led to her seeing this poor creature that she had never before seen.
This wording is a bit stilted. I know you can shorten it.

>Fluttershy saw that it looked like it had been crying, but she reasoned that she didn't know how dangerous this creature was.
Back to what I said a while ago. You didn't devote much time to him crying, so he wouldn't really look so cried-out, so to speak. At least not in the reader's mind.

>After all, it had caused those thunderous noises.
How does Fluttershy know that? She didn't see it happen, and so can't possibly know this.

>So instead, she watched it, making sure the potentially harmful monster didn't notice that she was spying.
A comma after “so”, please. Also, how the hell long was Fluttershy standing there? How fast could she have possibly been to’ve gone from her bedroom to this place, huh?

>Her delicate pony-heart skipped a beat when she heard leaves crunch from where she last saw the strange creature.
Need you call her heart all of that? Just say “heart”. And take out the word “from”, please. That word ruins the flow here.

>"AHHG! " Fluttershy screamed as she darted forward at speeds that would have impressed anypony watching her.
Don't write out things like “Ahh!” when someone screams, please. As for the rest, this phrase is purple” Just say “as she darted away.”

>Her wings flapped at a rate that she knew would have her sore for a while,
“...that she know would leave them sore for a while.”

>...darkening Everfree...
What does that even mean?

>Meanwhile, an officer sat in the forest, gripping his chest, heaving and considering himself lucky that he hadn't had a heart-attack. He rose to his feet and once again tried to calm himself.
A perfect reason why you shouldn't swap POV's, especially if you're gonna end on the same note. In truth, the POV swap adds nothing to the story. You should have continued telling it from the narrator's POV: it's more solid, less jarring, and doesn't detract from the story.

By the way, this review of one chapter is now twice as long as the chapter itself. Yay me.
Now, onto chapter two...


>I was guessing it didn't want to be followed, …
Change this to the plain past tense, please.

>Ignoring the fact that I was dead, my heart was still beating, and pretty fast at that. That screech had … [rest of first paragraph]
Look, this is a perfect example of why you've stayed in the single POV. You're currently just restating the same thing you mentioned last chapter, but from a different POV, and with the appropriate changes that warrants.

>All I saw was a flurry of the animal that startled me before (which was a more vibrant yellow than I had first thought) it disappeared deeper into the forest.
This sentence is awkward. And use em-dashes, not parentheses, but I'd noted this already.

>Besides, the orange haze was beginning to be replaced by the darkening, violet sky that began to bleed into the horizon, looking as if someone had spilled lavender water color paint on the edge of the sky.
“He means it was getting darker, right?”
“No. Clearly God spilled his painting kit.”
You see, this is so purple that it's getting put into a Sunny-D commercial. It's one thing to look up and note it's getting darker, it's an atrocity to say it so flowery that it loses all meaning. And it's worse because the next line is “The air was still somewhat humid, and it was very comfortable”, which is so not purple that the purple stands out like a sore and infected thumb. If you wrote more flowery throughout, you'd have some liberty to be poetic. When you write as in the style you've written, you do not have the liberty to go so overboard.

>It was so comfortable that I had no objection to simply lay down for the night somewhere in the clearing and wait until morning to decide what my next course of action would be.
Dude's getting way too mellow, even in context. He's all, “Oh, I'm dead? A yellow animal? Welp, better go to sleep.” I mean, come on. [After reading ahead, he suddenly tenses up. What's with that?]

>I realized that I was... hungry.
Why the pause? In fact, this is too much telling. Say that his stomach growled instead; it's more show.

>This was odd, as I was barely beginning to notice that my body was still acting as if it was still alive
This was awkward, because it's too long and just flows wrong. Try saying it aloud and you'll feel out wrong this sounds. Also, the “was still alive” should be “were still alive”, since it's the subjunctive mood.

>I stumbled over thick tree roots to the clearing.
Bad phrasing. “Stumbling over thick tree roots, I entered the clearing, scanning for anything edible.” The present progressive (–ing) is your friend.

>had barely any leaves on them
The phrasing is usually “barely had”. And... wait, no leaves? The hell. You didn't say this earlier, and now this presents an entirely different image. You should get rid of this, and instead just note that he didn't see an fruits, which would have been visible, had there been any.

>I guess it did save me the time of searching through them for fruit in vain.
This is... all wrong. Make it: “Still, having that knowledge saved me the trouble of searching in vain for fruit.” Read your own sentences aloud, mate. For the most part, writing as you would speak—within reason, of course—can help you make sentences flow more naturally. Whether you know it or not, if English s your first language, then odds are you won't say something unnatural aloud unless you were thinking about it.

>...and began to examine them ...
Ah, “to begin to”. We meet again.

>...which I regret quickly when...
Tense error and ad odd phrasing issue. “...which I quickly regretted when...” is better.

>It wasn't exactly oozing out blood like some exaggerated wound, but it would form a droplet or two ever few seconds if I wasn't careful enough to lick the blood away.
Cut the “like some exaggerated wound” bit, okay? And then for, the second clause as “but droplets did slowly trickle out.” Also, licking your wounds? O...kay, that's a bit unhealthy if you don't brush thoroughly, but I've had characters doing the same in my writings [even if an IRL nurse chastised me for it], so whatever.

>being the pompous city-cop looking through bushes for
Get rid of the “being”, please.

>Besides, none of the bushes seemed to have any berries, only small. hot pink blossoms that were the exact size and color I would imagine berries to be.
This is weak. Instead of “besides” [a word you're abusing], say “To make matters worse”. And removed the “seemed”; it is especially weak. And the bit about the blossoms (save for needing that period after “small” made into a comma), I have no idea what's going on there. Hot? Huh? Why not show him finding them as he's rummaging, eh? That's be better showing, less telling—almost always a good thing.

>Cursing the forest for toying with me, I made my way to the river.
What river? If you mentioned it before, it already slipped from my mind. And since I have a damn fine memory, this means you should probably point out the river in this chapter. Have him look at it, and them waltz over to it. Thank you.

>I stopped at the edge, and watched intently.
Remove that comma.

>The water was surprisingly clear, and I could see both the bottom of the quaint little stream, and my face which was being distorted by the flow of water.
Too many “and”s in the same sentence is bad for your health. Also, you say the same thing a few times, and this sentence could be broken up. “The quaint little stream was so clear that I could the pebbles resting at the bottom.” Also, if the water was so clear, how the heck did you see your reflection? Water is not a natural mirror.

>Even with my face being unclear, I could see that my face was full of sorrow.
The first clause is awkward. “Looking at the distorted reflection, I could see...” And for that matter, what the hay does “I could see that my face was full of sorrow” mean? You should remove that, and replace with the next sentence, the one that says “I looked like an emotional mess”. Though even then, I'd take out the word “emotional”.

>I let a sigh that I had kept in since my arrival out my mouth and sat cross-legged at the edge.
Move the preposition “out” immediately after “I let”, for flow's sake. And say “by the water's edge” at the end.

>...and I found the sun being overwhelmed by the night sky and its treasured moon.
Kinda purple here. By Job, just show me that it's getting darker. There's no need to be so obstinate about that, is there?

>I sat up as walked to the middle of the clearing.
THAT'S NOT HOW ANATOMY WORKS! You can't sit up and walk at the same time. You need to reword this into: “I stood up and walked to...”

>I began to already feel the slow, dreadful hand of tiredness close over me
It begins... Also, and this is just me, I tend to think of tiredness as “frosty talons”, not a “dreadful hand”. That's just me, though. This isn't exactly purple, so I won't yell at you for it.

>I almost tipped over into sleep (Sleeping in the afterlife, yes, it's ridiculous),
You don't “tip over into” sleep, you “fall/drift” asleep. Also, that bit in parentheses doesn't need to exist. At all. At. All.

>...bright light swimming not four inches from my face.
Swinging, dear writer, not “swimming”.

>Before I knew it, these bugs...
“...the fireflies” would be a better way to phrase that.

>Their lights were powerful in their own way, as they made quick strokes from one place to another, much like a brush would gently paint across canvas.
1: This doesn't make much sense.
2: Get rid of it; too purple. Thank you.

>They lit up brightly around me and I could imagine my eyes
Comma after “me”.

>...and released my mind to swim around and wander.
There's a less purple way to phrase this, such as “...my thoughts wandering”, for example.

>Jordan and I had lived in the same city since we were small. … [rest of scene].
Here it is! Reasons why the narrator cared about Jordan. Thanks you. [I've made a note back during my original note about this.]

>After about two month of discovering this place,
Awkward: “Two months after discovering the place, …” is better.

>At first, we were choosing a separate flavor each. But I remember the exact conversation of our favorite flavors.
Cut this bit, and go straight to the flashback, please.

>....cream flavors with a smile on his face
A dangling modifier! Take out the “with a...” part to get rid of this dangling modifier.

>...I teased even though he was only a bit longer than I was.
Put a comma after “teased”.

>"Yeah, well. I would ask for yours to be good-" he turned to me and grinned, now leaving his trance completely, "-but asking for the impossible is stupid.".
No! Such... aww. Well, here goes my outline of problems. The period after “well” should be a comma, and “I would” should be “I'd. Then, when you break dialogue for action, you need an em-dash — , not a hyphen. Lastly, there's a period after the dialogue. It read as ‘...stupid.”.’ That second period is evil and must die; never put a period after a quotation mark in dialogue.

>" What'd you pick as your worst?"
There's a space between the quotation and the “What'd”. Fix 'er.

>"Huh," I said, "Cotton
Turn that 2nd comma into a period.

>...baking.".
No! No periods AFTER THE QUOTE HAS ENDED—YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! [I will no longer point out this ERROR of yours, but know that it is a super no-no.”

>"I'll take.." Jordan paused for effect, "Coconut!".
Since it's an interruption, pause or otherwise, you need you indicate it with an em-dash —. (alt+0151 is your friend). And make “Coconut” lower case, since it is NOT a new sentence. Also, PERIODS AT THE END!

>I burst out laughing.
Remove this, since the following lines makes this redundantly redundant.

>You two 'oughta
What's with the single apostrophe before oughta? Oughta is a perfectly cromulent word.

>At this memory, I fell asleep.
After this line, there is a huge gap between it and the following scene break. Fix this; all scene breaks in a story must be consistent in how many spaces are above and below them.

>...and I was becoming scared.
Don't tell me how he was feeling, show me! Was his heart racing, was he sweating, was there a feeling of dread boiling out from his gut—what was going on?

>which I barely began to notice I still wore.
The word “began” here actively works against this sentence. In fact, take out this entire little clause. It doesn't add anything and is weird.

>like someone had uttered "Eep!".
… This is about not putting sound effects into dialogue, and also that period at the end. Sigh. In this sort of case, it's sort of okay, but only if it's NOT dialogue, and then only to make the writer it's asking a question or yelling at us. For example: “She told me, ‘Your mother is a hamster!’.” And also: I couldn’t believe she'd said, “Your mother is a hamster!”. In either case, it's used to indicate a tone difference between the speaker and the quoted material. However, this only applies to forms of dialogue. When I do it in my review outside of dialogue, that's also okay (particularly in Britain).

>...to look at the moon. It screamed confidence.
The hell does that mean, “screamed confidence”?

>It was blotted with gray spots, but in such a way that added variation across its face
There's a better way to say this, I'm sure of it.

>I wanted to absorb all the ancient wisdom it had to offer, because I knew it held much experience.
Your creepy obsession with the moon would be more appropriate in a Luna shipfic. This is—hopefully—not such a thing. So, please, STOP LOOKING AT THE SKY!

>In the middle of my marveling, I realized this likely meant I was on some sort of planet, and that there was some planetary system here in the afterlife
I stopped when I read this. Well done. Very well done. You're a clever cop. So, yes, I really did like this line, and it shows that he's a bit more clever than he's been acting, at least it terms of space stuff. A moron wouldn't look up at the moon and go, “Ah, proof that this world contains astronomical bodies in a three-dimensional space”, now would he?

>...especially when the sun was almost asking for my attention
What that this mean? Stop writing nonsense!

>Maybe lan-
Em-dash this, please.

>I realized I had been mind-wandering and ceased my exploration immediately, and focused back into the forest.
Awkward. Make it: “I realized I was losing focus and forced my thoughts back to the problem at hand.”

>to pester at my view,
Remove the “at”.

>I ignored it, and glanced at
Remove the comma. Replace “at” with “to”.

>perfectly warm I was, even in the shade, The
That second comma? Make it a period.

>The sky was turning out to be a pale blue.
Remove the “out to be” part. It's makes no sense here.
>> No. 127145

>my left sat looking very lone-
Em-dash!

>Wait. Basket?
Right here. Bonus points for originality. Maybe it's cause I don't read much, but you didn't have Fluttershy interact with the narrator, instead just leaving a care package, which I think is fairly original. Good for you.

>I jumped into being alert and flipped my head in all directions, looking for someone watching me.
The way you describe this action is all wrong. Here: “I leapt to attention, jerking my head in ever which way, searching for whomever left the basket.”

>I kneeled next to it
Knelt*

>Whatever it was, was actually
That comma isn't needed, believe it or not. Since it's a conjugation, it's like saying, “He told me that that was wrong.” It's perfectly valid and needs no comma.

>And whoever had left it, had the chance
Kill that comma! Blood! Blood! Blood!

>"Fluttershy! Wake up! It's getting up!" Twilight hissed, taking her eye away from the telescope and turning to the dozing pegasus.
Dammit! No! That scene with the basket was good! I've lost all immersion. :Very sad face:

>...offered the awakening pony.
“Waking” sounds much more natural in this position, don't you think?

>This creature had never before been seen!
Awkward. “This is an unknown creature!”

>We searched every single book we had and found nothing! The closest thing it resembles is an ape, and they still looking completely different.
This is a poor infodump. Take this out. We can surmise just as much from her other bits of dialogue, without us needed to told directly.

>"I bet the poor thing is scared..." Fluttershy said.
Protip: Exotic bits of punctuation—such as em-dashes, parentheses, ellipses, and what have you—should not be used more than once per page, at most. It gives them a more powerful impact, the fewer you use it. That way, when you do use it, it has more oomph! to it.

>Twilight whispered loudly before she quickly ducked with a scared gaze at Fluttershy, who also took the hint and ducked.
Odd. “...before ducking down, Fluttershy quickly doing the same.”

>"Nookaygood."
This is not a word. I know what you're trying to mean, but this isn't a word.

>"Nookaygood." Twilight Sparkle dismissively snapped back to her telescope. Fluttershy stared at her friend with worried eyes. Seconds passed. Then minutes. Fluttershy couldn't help it. "Um, Twilight? W-what's it doing...?"
Who was speaking in this paragraph? Word to the wise: if one pony speaks, their actions are in that paragraph. If one pony speaks and then another pony acts, their actions gets its own separate paragraphs. Otherwise, you get what you got: confusion.

>"Isn't it hungry?:
You can see the problem here: that colon

>The creature looked at the apple as it chewed, swallowed and sat in silence.
Comma needed after “swallowed”, and change that “and” into a “then”, for my sanity's sake, please.

>"It looked like it was hungry last night..." she dragged on, "I'm glad...
That “I'm glad...” bit is its own sentence. So make the period after “dragged on” a period, please.

>Fluttershy enjoying herself in the nicer part of the Everfree Forest.
She and Twilight are sitting next to each other. How can Fluttershy be in the “nicer part”? Unless you're referring to the general area as such. In which case, make it: “Fluttershy simply appreciated being in that nicer part of the Everfree Forest.”

>"Twilight!! Why did you-" Fluttershy was cut off by Twilight.
Please don't ever go “!!”. More than one is just silly, you silly. Also, em-dash. And then, “Fluttershy was cut off by Twilight”: that's in the passive voice, and it's unneeded. In the next sentence, say: “Well,” Twilight cut in, “I needed to see if...”

>...As far as we know, it's a herbivore... This is crucial to alot of information Fluttershy." Twilight informed her friend, without taking her eye from the telescope.
The H in herbivore isn’t pronounced, so it should say “it's an herbivore.” Now, get rid of those “...”s and make it a single one. Then, “alot” is not a word; the words are “a lot”. Then you need a comma before Fluttershy, since she's being addressed. Lastly, get git of that “Twilight informed her friend” crap, please, especially if you took my advice from the above gripe.

>It stood up, and began to collect dry pieces of grass, working quickly. In a matter of minutes, it had laid stones around a heap of grass, atop a patch of dirt in the clearing.
Kill the commas after “up” and “of grass”: neither are needed.

>...but Twilight was surprised and excited
Don't tell me, show me their emotions!

>thought Twilight as the the
The usual English word order nowadays is “Twilight thought”. Furthermore, get rid of one of those “the”s.

>"It eats meat!!" Fluttershy began
Kill one of those !'s. Also, fish isn't technically meat. As a Catholic, I can safely say that, since I can eat fish during Good Fridays, but not meat. Also, we've seen Fluttershy herself in the show feed animals fish. THIS SHOULD NOT BOTHER HER IN THE SLIGHTEST!

>I promise you I won't let you get hurt.
A comma after “you”, please.

>"Okay... but please, don't do anything brash... it made those terrible noises last night. That creature can look fine right now, but it can get alot scarier when it wants to be..." Fluttershy said.
Too many ellipses. And what did I tell you about “alot” not being a word?

>Thank you Fluttershy.
Needs a comma before the name.

>Why would she do that? wondered Fluttershy.
This belongs in its own paragraph.

Done! Es ist gemacht! Lo he hecho!


Final thoughts.

You started out strong, and then slowly got sloppy. The story isn't bad per se, but as it stands, it's nothing that really stands out. I mean, really? A human dies, ends up in Equestria, ponies think he's weird. This has been done a great meany times before, and you didn't bring anything new to the equation. You don't know how to punctuate dialogue very well, and you have a crippling problem with awkward sentence structure. However, your grammar is still much better than many I've seen, and so you have points there, yet it clearly suffers in places. But when you're not being purple, your prose is a bit beige, and could use some life. All in all, oddly, the most enjoyable part of this was before he was in Equestria, thanks to how that part was just better written and better paced and cooler. If you could capture that energy into the pony world, you'd be golden.

Your swap of persons really grates me, especially in the first chapter, since there it didn't add anything really helpful to insightful or anything. I think what you need to do is sit down and think about how you can make this story stand out. Like I said, why not start somewhere other than the Everfree Forest? Somewhere that'd create new and exotic problems. This would likely involve heavy rewrites, but you want your story to stand out and be different, right? Try to avoid all the clichés, and present us something new, right? Well, it's gonna be hard, but first you need to think your story though. Plan how it ends before you begin, then work towards there, ending in mind.

I think you could use an editor, to tell the truth. There are plenty of groups of Fimfic dedicated to helping with such matters. Seek them out; they're great guys. Also, get rid of that bold section of your Fimfic summary. It makes the story look really bad.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions, just ask!

Then again, I'm just a reader with an opinion.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 24th, 2013 13:32

>> No. 127146
>>127145
Thank you very much for taking the time for review. I can't express how much I needed that (then again, I'm learning how to express ANYTHING right now, aren't I?).

I find you to be right about its unoriginality. I'll either trash the story completely, or just have him appear somewhere else. What WOULD serve me the most though is seriously sitting down and thinking everything through, cautious for plot holes and such, right?

I'll also have to establish how "purple" I'll have to be. Evidently, the changes in the amount of detail were pretty out of place at times.

Anyways, thanks a bunch for the review, it's seriously appreciated.

Last edited at Tue, Apr 16th, 2013 23:04

>> No. 127158
This thread is certainly more lively than the other one!

Title: Changelings Change Everything

Author: Idle Prose

Tags: Adventure, Dark

Synopsis: Luna's role during the changeling invasion, Celestia's doubts in the aftermath, and the final battle between Celestia and Chrysalis.

All three chapters are here: https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B9VCK7HjwWQBV0FVWXRtWmZEOTg/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter one is 2826 words, chapter two is 3156 words, and chapter three is 4324 words. A review of all three would be most welcome. My pre-readers have been busy, so I'm afraid I don't have any outside feedback.

Possible issues:
* Pacing, sentence structure, proper tense
* Action scenes
* Dialogue, tags and actions surrounding dialogue
* Character voice (or: proper portrayal of pretty pony princesses)
* Synopsis quality

Thanks!

Last edited at Sun, Mar 24th, 2013 21:56

>> No. 127159
>>127158
I don't believe your story is on the unclaimed queue list. You should probably use the | Submission form | up in the OP; that'd properly submit your story to the TG.
>> No. 127165
File 136424103620.jpg - (8.55KB , 275x183 , 20465108392.jpg )
127165
>>127159
>>127158
I've done it for you. Also, I'm claiming "Phantoms Of The Past" The author seems to have forgotten to make a post in either thread.
As usual, I should be back within 24 hours.
>> No. 127166
>>127159
iDerp. Will keep that in mind for the future.

>>127165
Thanks a ton. :)
>> No. 127173
File 136427038201.jpg - (8.79KB , 233x216 , 3498564090.jpg )
127173
Asterisked because I haven’t done this for a few weeks, and I want to make sure I don’t need to be reprimanded by Tac again.

Okay, so, I opened up your story, and immediately wanted to shove it away. I mean, what the bloody hell is this?! This just looks bloody awful.


>*Hunter sighed* “This day just couldn’t get any worse could it?” Every alarm and warning light that could go off was; and explosions could be felt through the entire ship.
What’s with the asterisks? Why the semicolon? And why open with one of the most cliché lines in existence. Whoever the hell this “Hunter’ is, despite not being a pony, must have some detrimental desire to invite karma to make things ludicrously and hilariously worse. Furthermore, I know nothing about a bloody ship yet. I like that you’ve tried to start where the action is, as opposed to a grueling, three page long info dump about the backgrounds of the characters and the setting, but talk sense, will you?

>“Athena, I need a damage report!” Hunter shouted to the AI.
Oh, look at that. We’ve got AI now. This isn’t a crossover, or at least, you haven’t labeled it so, so there’s no material for me to be familiar with. And I doubt you’re able to use the artistic license card, so I would suggest that you introduce things at a slower pace. When I dive into a *pony* fic, I don’t want to be bombarded with high action *human* battles with *human* technology right from the bloody get-go!

>”Sensors are reporting fires on all decks, hull breaches detected in sector A and F, reactor containment is reporting major failure all exhaust plasma is venting into engineering, and life support if failing throughout the ship.” Athena chimed in.
Yeah, since I have no clue what’s going on as is—without that nonsense thrown in—I’m just going to read that as “All hell’s broke loose! We’re Fucked!”

> “Hunter, Sensors are showing that artificial gravity is now offline.”
I take it back. Now we’re fucked!

>Well something must have worked right on this damned ship if I’m seeing a planet instead of a fleet.
While grammar is given some leeway— a lot of leeway—in dialogue, it still irks me that this isn’t “Well something must be working right on this damned ship…”

>*no life boats means no getting off this ship before it crashes and burns need to think of an alternative!*
Now you’re using asterisks to indicate thought. This is an okay practice, but please try to remain consistent or your reader won’t know what the bloody hell’s going on. Also, you forgot to turn off the italics for this section.

>“Not really, and how can the UES can drop trillions of fucking credits into this ship but they can’t bother putting in a Phoenix class dropship…”
I think you’ve got an extra word there.

>He was cut short in his rant by an explosion nearby, the shrapnel pinged harmlessly off his armor.
This is two separate sentences.

>Hunter I’ve set a nav point leading to the ships CNC, schematics show it’s a citadel set up;
This two. See what I did there?

>Before departing the ships bridge hunter floated over to a console and set all probes and satellites that were set up in their tubes to be launched, after he confirmed they had started to launch he made his way to the command and control room located at the center of the ship.
hunter missed the shift key back there and then put a comma where it didn’t belong.

>“about four minutes and thirty-nine seconds, would you like a timer?” Athena asked.
Wow, a blasted computer made an error too! Did you even proofread this? Do you see that pause? That one, right there, where the comma is. What if you were to put end quotes there, then put Athena’s said tag, then finish the extra clause with a new set of quotes, and THEN put in Hunter’s line? Would that flow any better, do you think? Speaking of:

>“Yes.” He remarked.
New Speaker, new paragraph. And, yes, paragraphs can be only one sentence long, rare as it is.

>Hunter made his way into the CNC and hit the door switch watching the two blast doors close and seal with a hiss, he didn’t bother locking them as if he did survive the crash he didn’t want to have to experience again getting locked blastdoors opened with no power especially if they were damaged.
Whoa there, whoa, sloooooow down a bit. Your first instance of ‘door’ should be followed by a comma, your first comma should be a period, and the second half of this mess is more of a mess than the first. I don’t even know what the bloody hell you’re trying to say.

>He drifted his way to one of the seats on the far wall to notice the seats were too small for him to fit in with his armor on.
As in, that was his purpose for going over there? He was thinking, “Hmm, if I go over there, I’ll be able to see if the seats are too small for me. The size of the seats is important at the moment, so I think I’ll go over there.” *moves over there* “Oh, fancy that. They are indeed too small for me. Now I can put my mind at ease.”

>He checked the time on his HUD while pulling out two small cables from his utility belt,
First of all, that’s another bloody sentence that you’ve tacked on to the beginning of another with nothing more than a bloody comma; second, What in blue blazes is a HUD?!

>“I’m sorry about the others.” She said with synthesized sorrow in her voice.
I’ve noticed you already know the rule for this, so I’m just pointing out that this line of dialogue should end with a comma—not a period—inside the quotes.

>Hunter remarked as the ship made first contact with the ground the initial jolt snapped the cables that tethered him to the wall throwing him across the room he felt a sharp pain explode through his side before blacking out.
You’ve got a nasty habit of stringing together multiple sentences and then throwing them at the wall in the hopes that one of them will sound good. Knock it off. It’s not working, and you and I ought to both know it.

>It looked like any other night that Luna kept a watch over but tonight was special it was the last night the comet would glow in the night sky.
You have got to stop with these run on sentences it does not work for you it looks terrible and makes you look bad.


I think you’ve gotten the gist of what’s wrong with your first chapter at this point. And I think it’s fair to say that the others don’t deserve my attention until you’ve given this a few editing passes. Here: http://www.grammarbook.com/ Give that lot a good look over, then run through your story again. Don’t come back here with this until you do, either, because we won’t be able to help you if you don’t.

Last edited at Mon, Mar 25th, 2013 21:09

>> No. 127174
File 136427568072.png - (142.81KB , 1000x1054 , 39520 - artist ColinMLP karate rainbow_dash scootaloo source_missing.png )
127174
>All reviews in progress were claimed over a month ago
Slackers! I'll get this done in a week! Claimed ( >>126905 )
>> No. 127179
File 136443522679.jpg - (186.19KB , 1000x750 , sketch_coverart_2.jpg )
127179
Wow, I ain't been here in a minute!

Okay, so my story is complete, is on EqD, has a very popular rating on FIMFic... but I still think my prologue is crap. It was, quite literally, the first thing I'd ever written, and I do not believe it stands up to my usual level these days.

So, I was wondering if one of you kind reviewers would take a look at it...

And tear it to shreds. Please, be brutal, merciless. This is the intro to my writing; I NEED to have my best foot forward, and a brutally honest review from someone who has never read it would help a lot, I think. So, here we go:

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Word Count: 2011
Synopsis: Ponyville, the humble village known for its peaceful tranquility, is shaken to its core when a body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. As the townsponies grieve, the strange, pale Special Agent Bentgrass, from Their Majesties' Royal Investigative Service, arrives at the Books and Branches library and drags Twilight into a world she's only read about: lies, corruption, suspicion, and murder.

Faced with an indifferent police force, and Agent Bentgrass's infuriating methods, Twilight must put the pieces together and catch the killer. But as blood continues to spill and questions pile up, one thing is terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at play than mere murder.


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UFLyx18s9PViDhKvah2MaZeIonZ4Sz-znW_o7WXNm8s/edit

Please, take no quarter. Thank you! :)
>> No. 127180
File 136444108302.png - (137.39KB , 386x421 , 132619963672.png )
127180
>>127179
> review from someone who has never read it
>/fic/
You'll be hard pressed to find somepony who fits that description around here, the way I've seen that story tossed around. I think I'm also ruled out, though it's not like I'd get to it any time soon. It's got an entire queue sitting between me and it.
>> No. 127181
Tags: sad, shipping
Synopsis: FeatherFoot was very lonely until a certain mailmare changes his life.

Link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15653/1/hearts-and-mail-day/the-story-updated-182013

Comments/Notes:
I just want to make sure everything is a-go for submission to Equestria Daily. I don't want to send it there without knowing it has a high chance of getting approved.
>> No. 127182
>>127180
>>127158
I've never read it, and it's certainly short enough to fit my schedule. I'm not sure how the review queue works, though. Or whether it'd be against any rules to take one out of order. I'm guessing no, but I don't want to step on any toes, hooves, etc.
>> No. 127184
>>127179
>>127180

Hmm... good point. Well, anyone who feels that can go to town on it, feel free. :)
>> No. 127186
File 136448612733.png - (181.94KB , 376x739 , 133956258842.png )
127186
>>127182
It's not all that complicated, really. If you're new, though, it's understandable. Basically, there's no order. *I* choose to review only from the top so that nopony ends up waiting for a month if I can help it, but you can really just cherry pick your reviews if you want.

Find a story you'd like to look at, make a post stating that you're claiming it, and the squirrels at the other end of the internet with nothing to do but twiddle their little thumbs queue maintainers will update the spreadsheet.
Besides, I doubt anypony will turn down a second review, especially when it's for free anyway.

Last edited at Thu, Mar 28th, 2013 08:57

>> No. 127187
'ello chaps!

It's me again. I've tried submitting Ruby for EQD. I shouldn't be surprised that they rejected it. Looking back on this, I can agree that there are quite a few problems with this. Here's what the prereader said:

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your work to Equestria Daily. I regret to inform you that we are not able to approve it for publication at this time. Please see below for a list of issues in your story;
- Narrative told almost entirely through exposition rather than action/dialogue (and not in a captivating way)
- Telling vs. showing
- Awkward overuse of adjectives (or overuse in general)
- General wooden feeling and unengaging prose
This is not a comprehensive list of errors.

This is your first strike of three. Please revise carefully before resubmitting.

Regards,

Prereader [derp]

Truth be told, I think all these errors can be lumped together into "Showing vs Telling". Also, the flow of my story is very clunky and messy. There are quite a few things in the story that I've "forced" in. I've included a Synopsis in the TOC link that I've included, so if you want to look at my ideas, please feel free to make your comments on them.

I've already been here before to get this reviewed before I submitted this (Thank you, Masem!). I request someone who knows full well what to do in regards to the issues listed above. I prefer someone who has either had a story published on EQD.

Also, I want someone who has not read the story before. First, this way I can get the freshest set of eyes possible to look at this. Second, I don't have to wory about any biases in the fact that someone who has read the story and liked it would be easy on me.

Thanks!

p0n00b

Last edited at Thu, Mar 28th, 2013 18:35

>> No. 127188
Tags: Slice of Life

Synopsis: Come one, come all. It is The Great and Powerful Trixie's greatest show ever!

Teaching a small classroom of fillies magic can't be that hard, right?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33635/show-and-spell

All chapters reviewed please.
>> No. 127189
>>127188

I'll claim this story for review. Do you think you can GDocs this for me?
>> No. 127190
>>127187
You've a missing link and synopsis.
>> No. 127191
>>127190
They're in the spreadsheet if you need them.
>> No. 127192
>>127187

Can you remove this from the queue. I've talked with Masem, and we've figure out a way to revamp this whole story. I'll come back later when I've got the new and improved chapters ready.

Allons-y! Geronimo!

p0n00b
>> No. 127193
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127193
>>126905
>>127174
I do so hate line by line reviews. They’re bearable on stories that don’t need too much attention. The ones where all I need to do is make a few comments on the general flow of the chapter, or mention how somepony should have noticed that something was missing from a particular scene—minor stuff. Sadly I do not often get so lucky, and your story was no exception. This hardly feels proofread, and you seem to have little respect for tense consistency, if any.

That said, this would stand up quite well if you touched it up, which is why I assume that you brought it here. You have a keen sense of imagery and have a knack for showing through telling, though I would question your choice of dialogue. Alas, a line by line review on a story of this length would melt my brain. I don’t have the patience and tenacity I used to. Kindly make a Google Document of this, and I might be more willing to devote some time to it. Until then, I’ll leave it be.

Last edited at Thu, Mar 28th, 2013 23:13

>> No. 127194
>>127189
Yeah

Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kLJJurBvTwNsbhuxX2UTkUWTY7MM37-dvGQuqnSrVh0/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m3hDj4Y31mOC1OkFvIm8Ov2OZFizCg9wQjLjExhY2z8/edit

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PKD6m5bWnFYuzmZRHz9ozC_BIu2NqRiAOvNjdyTlVT4/edit

Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QtpnM7R2JdSKMfKIT4oV550HdS-JrViwiXpxLzfrZVE/edit
>> No. 127196
File 136457590892.png - (26.95KB , 723x973 , head-silhouette-with-question-mark.png )
127196
>>127193

You know, when I posted this over three weeks ago, I wasn't sure if anyone would even look at this. Most people told me to move on, saying I was waiting on something that wasn't going to happen. I stayed around, just in case.

I do think that showing over telling is one of the most, if not THE most, important part of the story telling process that helps drive the story forward. If I can't keep a readers interest by painting them a world with interesting pieces set out, then I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job.

That being said:

>This hardly feels proofread, and you seem to have little respect for tense consistency, if any.

Starting on the latter. It's true, I have a problem with past/present tense. Or at least I'm hoping it's mostly gone away. I wasn't taught correctly in school and I didn't know this was a major problem until only recently in the past two months. I've made some strides to fixing this, studying how to properly write this and educate myself better, but as you can see I obviously missed that in past chapters. I'm hoping it's not as strong in the last chapters, if it's there anyways.

As for it being proofed, I do have some people that look over it. Though, I can't say much since it's really only one person and I don't want to continuously bug the guy.

I was eventually going to try and look over this. If you can see some of the problems, I wouldn't mind throwing this over to G-Docs like you recommended and seeing what you have to say. Should I somehow email you to send links or how should I go about giving you them?
>> No. 127197
File 136458019121.png - (120.52KB , 900x721 , 135226466730.png )
127197
>>127196
If you want to email it, sure. My emails in the usual email field.
>> No. 127198
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127198
>>127179

Oh, what the hey. I'm claiming "Under A Luminous Sky" for review. It's short, I just read it, and I think there's parts where I can be sufficiently brutal(ish). And this is definitely not my latest attempt to procrastinate on classwork Assuming there's no schedule slip, I should be able to turn something out over the weekend.

Only problem: I'm not seeing it on the queue. There may need to be more pony applied.
>> No. 127200
>>127197

Alright, the email was sent a while back so you know.
>> No. 127203
>>127189

'ello, chap!

I did a couple of pass throughs of your first chapter. Here are the notes

Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes.

Let's start with the showing vs telling. Now, I'm not the best when it comes to that area of writing, but come on!

>she was walking again and noticed a sign that said, ‘Sweet Apple Acres.’

Read that. I mean, read that! Does it sound exciting to you? Do you really think that this would captivate the reader in any way? How's Trixie walking? Is it a normal trot? Is it a weary stumbling about? How would it compare to her approach to the farm?

This is just one example. One. One out of many, many issues with show vs. tell. Please do me a favor and read the Editor's Omnibus before going back over and editing this. Read the section on show vs tell, and I mean *READ* it. Digest every word. Let it be engraved in your mind.

Then there's the whole POV thing. There was one paragraph that you switched the POV three times! THREE! I'm sorry to be so hard, but that's just pure sloppiness. This story is being told in Trixie's POV. Keep it there. You can show (hint, hint) us what Applejack, the townsfolk, the mayor, etc... are thinking through their actions, tone of voice, body posture, etc...

the grammar is somewhat better, but it leaves much to be desired.

Commas. You're not using them right. Let me pull out Strunk and White for a moment...

...ho he hum hum...

Ah! Here we are. "DO NOT JOIN TWO INDEPENDENT CLAUSES BY A COMMA."

There are quite a few times that you break that rule. Use a semicolon, or use a period. It's not that hard.

Also, dialogue. I did not see a single instance where you have dialogue with the form: "...yadda yadda yadda," she said. No! We want some of this. First off, it clarifies who is speaking. Secondly, it can add some color to the scene. You can do something like: "...yadda yadda yadda," she said, wiping her forehead. See? It sounds so much better.

In conclusion, this needs a ton of work, and when I mean a ton of work, I mean a TON of work. Let me give you links to some resources that will help.

PURDUE ONLINE WRITING LAB: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/

EDITOR'S OMNIBUS:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit

As for Strunk and White, it is a must have tool for the writer. It's cheap. It's not that long. It will help you.

I'm not going to review the other chapters, since they contain the same problems that are prevalent in this first chapter. Hopefully, what I said will help you in your editing those chapters.

Before I go, I want to address the Training Ground community as a whole...

There are many of you who talk about how wonderful of a tool The Elements of Style is, but how many of you have read it? No, I'm not talking about a quick hour long skim through the book. How many of you, in the course of reading it, have actually taken the time to process what the pages are telling you? You're not going to become masters of the Spanish Language by only spending an hour skimming through a little grammar book, right? The same thing applies here.

For all the writers out there who don't have this book, GET ONE! It's less than ten dollars most places, and I think Barnes and Noble has a Nook version for less than five. It works on the free downloadable Nook app for PC, I believe (I wouldn't know. I have a physical copy). Once you get it, I want you to be like Twilight and digest every little word in it. Memorize it! I believe that the quality of the fics we get on here will improve drastically if everyone on here can follow this one simple suggestion.

Can I get an amen!?

Anyway, rant over.

Good luck!

p0n00b

Last edited at Sat, Mar 30th, 2013 19:09

>> No. 127205
>>127132

I can review this again. Expect something today or tomorrow.
>> No. 127222
File 136487582663.jpg - (212.03KB , 577x530 , Twilight excellent.jpg )
127222
>>127179
I'm still not seeing the story in the queue, but I have completed my first ever review all the same! Can't say I've gone as far as brutal, but there are over 60 comments... It was a slow day at work. Don't tell my boss.

Comments are on your original link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UFLyx18s9PViDhKvah2MaZeIonZ4Sz-znW_o7WXNm8s/edit

Here's my biggest issue: why is Berry Punch just randomly going into the Everfree Forest? You know, the place where everything grows by itself in a most unnatural and creepifying fashion? Not to mention the timber wolves, starbeasts, manticore, cockatrice, and other nasty predators. "Just because she's drunk" doesn't feel like a good enough excuse. The Everfree has the Mane Six, who have taken down gods, spooked. Berry goes into it alone, at night, explicitly off the trail. It's like she's just asking to get killed.

This becomes a problem when the plot of the story revolves around her murder. Was she being followed, or was the murderer already in the forest just lurking about? Did the 'higher purpose' of the murder require Berry specifically, or would any old stabbity work? The second part doesn't need to be explained yet, but it's still good to know. The first question, however, has weight.

The bartender seemed to have a role in this. Brick said it was uncharacteristic of him to turn away a paying customer; this part stood out on a repeat reading. Since he was the last pony to talk to Berry, does suspicion fall on him later in the story - or better yet, was he actually involved in some way? Even if that's not the case, after the "drunk tank" part you could add something like, "Or worse, stumble into the Everfree or something?" Berry can protest that, and when she ends up on the border, she decides to prove him/them wrong. Now she has a motive to enter the forest, and the savvy reader will keep an eye on him. After all, he'd be one of the best to know how she would react to a warning/challenge like that.

I also suggested a few changes that justify Berry's inability to identify her assailant. The occasional mention of 'pony' and use of hooves provides a nice red herring if it's, say, Zecora doing the stabbity.

Also, apologies for the occasional batshit-random comment. Like I said, slow work day... and hey, look at the date! I'm taking my apology back. It's mine. Mine.


I can't think of anything else other than those major points and the little corrections. Your writing is quite excellent, good sir, and I stalked you across the interweb faved the story. Can't be sure when I can get to the rest of it now that spring break is over, but hey. I hope my review helps! :)

Last edited at Mon, Apr 1st, 2013 21:11

>> No. 127235
>>127222

Well, thank you so much for the hard look! Lots of little things I never thought of, different ways to word things. I do see the repetitivness a bit in there. One of those things you never see yourself!

As for the joke, it's something I heard a long time ago. In a nutshell, the joke is the punch line by itself. If I remember correctly, it goes something like this:

A little boy walks into class late. The teacher asks him why he's late.

"Oh, a car ran into my dog from behind. It injured his... um... his..."

Seeing his trouble, the teacher says, "Rectum?"

The little boy says, "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"



Again, the joke is that the punch line by itself and out of context is funnier than the joke itself. A perfect joke to use when starting in media res, I think.


Thank you again, friend! Say, would you at some point be available to look at my first chapter, as well? I really think it and the prologue are the two parts that needed the work.
>> No. 127240
>>127235
Glad it helped! And okay, now I get the joke. Nice.

I'm afraid that with spring break over I can't officially schedule anything soon. I want to, though. If there's another slow day at work I'll see what I can do. :)
>> No. 127243
'ello chaps!

I'm looking for a reviewer for my story. I'm looking for someone who knows how to deal with show vs. tell issues, as well as someone who wouldn't mind a little macabre.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pG4Wl7VZypYJhCP9ONV0vWJ2p8ZqVi3LKXm7fA8jDss/edit?usp=drive_web

Synopsis: "It was supposed to be a joyous occasion. This was supposed to be her first night as Princess at the Grand Galloping Gala. Instead, Twilight and her friends find themselves the victims of a dark plot that threatens the future of Equestria as they know it."
>> No. 127257
>>127132

When I came here to review another story, I never thought I'd end up spending more than twenty-five hours editing one instead. All I can say is that Quillery is more fun to work with than I ever expected, and "Vanilla Twilight" has no more issues I can find. The latest revision reads very smoothly, with no grammatical errors, and every one of its seven thousands words pulls its weight. The past issues with character motivation and lack of scene goals have been fixed. The conflict is clearly established in the first page and reaches a satisfying resolution in the end. I am very happy with it now.
>> No. 127258
>>127257

hoorays

Review acknowledged
>> No. 127259
Tags: Romance, Tragedy

Synopsis: Since the first moment she met him, she knew she would fall in love with him. With every passing day, that sentiment only grew stronger. With every fleeting memory, every shared glance, and every mutual smile: she fell in love with him ever so slowly.
It only took her until the eve of her demise for her to tell him how she truly felt.
Now, as she stands on the brink between life and death, she finally understands how she broke her own heart, how her life fell apart, and how with every pang and fleeting memory of their love her heart fractured just a little bit further.
What she doesn't understand, however, is that she's wrong about everything.

Wordcount: 35,000

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/86508/your-little-butterfly

Chapters Reviewed: All (Story is Complete)

Comments: This is my first submission to The Training Grounds, so I hope I’m doing this right. I am attempting to get this story on EqD and as of now this story has not suffered any strikes (though it did receive some comments as to minor errors which have been fixed...I hope). I would love to have this story reviewed by someone who has had work published on EqD so that the focus will be on getting this up to snuff. Every chapter has been completed, so if it's not too much I would like the whole story to be looked at and critiqued.

I have suffered some flak from some of my readers for the subject material so I’m prepared for the worst. I do not know if EqD enjoys fics in which one of the main characters kills themselves, but I have tried my hardest to soften that blow and make her passing bearable with plenty of tension and suspense without outright death. Hopefully I succeeded, and I would love the help in making sure that that sentiment is as tasteful as possible should it not come through. Just don’t let the above synopsis deter you: this story has more heart-warming bits than horribly depressing ones (in my humble opinion).

Thank you for being available to provide some assistance!

Edit: I forgot to add the wordcount on the submission form. The story currently stands at around 35,600 words, just so you're aware.

Last edited at Sun, Apr 7th, 2013 17:57

>> No. 127283
Title: The Kingdom of Vertigo
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags:(Dark)
Synopsis: Applejack delivers a cart of apples to a village in the Whitetail Woods, and discovers the strange experiences she's had along the way have even stranger implications.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11a-fPb-3XXopighjKZ0Uj3HGlrwbcjYgYwKIQThSELo/edit?usp=sharing
Comments/requests: It's a short story, at 3,333 words (czech 'em). Some opinion or advice would be appreciated.

Last edited at Wed, Apr 10th, 2013 07:55

>> No. 127296
(Working) Title: Homeworld: Equestria
Author Name: Eschatos Initiator
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Sci-Fi, Alternate Universe, Dark, Sad, Crossover
Synopsis: For over a thousand years, Kharequus has been the home to ponykind. This dusty little desert planet was a harsh habitat, but ponies always survived. Now, evidence has been unearthed in the form of an ancient spaceship, telling of ponykind's ancient ancestral home.

Equestria. The homeworld.

A vessel, a Mothership, was built to carry a chosen few to this long-forgotten Eden, but the fact remains: Ponykind left Equestria once, and never returned. The "why" has yet to be answered.
Link—Prolouge: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1De0PSXtXRHim9ThD1f3P9GTFXQhVZAZOOa7MoHMm3q4/edit
Chapter to review: Just the Prologue, but if I could get a reviewer willing to stick around for the rest, I'd really appreciate it.
Comments: Well, for what it's worth, I don't expect anyone to get the reference. I've been disappointed in that expectation for years.

This is heavily based on the 1999(?) video game Homeworld, one of the greatest games ever made (in my opinion). Most of the strange terms used are derived from said game or its expanded universe. That said, it's my intention to write this for an audience with no experience with Homeworld, so if there are things that are unclear, point them out, and I will do my best go back and explain them.

To anyone who remembers me... Utopia is on hiatus for the time being. I'm sick of rewriting it, and I need a break. This is my break.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly... (no explicit spoilers ahead, but be warned regardless) This story could very easily have a "tragedy" tag, but I'd like to know if that would be appropriate for a story with a major tragedy driving the adventure, rather than a tragic ending a-la-Romeo and Juliet.
>> No. 127300
File 136569506400.jpg - (17.94KB , 256x256 , gentderp.jpg )
127300
>>127296
Damn it's been a while since I played Homeworld.

I've given your doc a quick read over and I'll spend some time analysing your concept over the weekend.

That said i'd like it if you could add extra notes and similar that you might have already made. Characters, basic plot lines, conflict ect.
Homeworld was impersonal like most RTS's and I could see it being redone with focus on the cruicial characters leading the fleet. So i'll get back to you soon, expect a wall of text before monday at the latest.
>> No. 127303
>>127300
You... you know it?

Tears of joy, my friend.

Thank you very much. I'll add some notes at the end in regards to what you requested.
>> No. 127310
>>127303
I'm not usually one for including music links in fics, but Adagio For Strings. Or else!

I may have to stalk you across the internet check your story out when it's done. :D
>> No. 127311
>>127310
You got it, chief.
>> No. 127320
File 136579231728.jpg - (100.71KB , 831x962 , 134212878309.jpg )
127320
Tag: Adventure

Word count:
Ch:1: 3386
Ch:2: 1860

Synopsis: The Rune Guide, a book containing great power to those who can utilize it. It is both Ghostwriter's greatest discovery and biggest responsibility. But now it is in the wrong hooves. While Ghostwriter is working on retrieving it, Celestia sends him to Ponyville and by pure luck, he has a chance to get it back. Now he must get the Rune Guide back and also deal with Ponyville antics.

Chapter 1: The Ghost of Canterlot (If one would like to familiarize themselves for Ch:2)
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-jgOQj28kZ3zR3mNEgCFBlyA8JPnZ0TgVPKS-LZGTto/edit

Chapter 2: Ghosts and Phantoms
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EgZBddQlZoGHn28m9UigLE451vSeOHvtx7svWfaEJHY/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 127329
File 136585885811.png - (65.48KB , 180x262 , 133956615642.png )
127329
>>127174
I'm sorry, Havard. It's quite rare that I relinquish a claim, and even rarer that I wait this long to do so. I have made no progress on your story since claiming it two and a half weeks ago. My new job has left me so exhausted I haven't had a moment to stop and think, and as such I'd completely forgotten I had this claimed. That's not fair to you, so I have to release it back to the queue. I'm still interested in it, and may pick it up again at some point, but I am forced by my own integrity to drop it at once.
>> No. 127330
I'll just drop my story here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/31482/pinkies-love-for-rainbow-dash

The comments are good, the score isn't. Not sure how that works. But I would love some review and stuff.

Theme: Sad, tragic, romance.

Has both F/F and M/F. But mostly F/F.
>> No. 127331
>>127330
Pleas submit your story to the queue using the form linked at the top of the thread (Submission form, under "For writers").
>> No. 127333
Tags: Adventure, Sad, Romance and some Comedy

Synopsis: A unicorn burnout, two pegasus brothers and Princess Luna's protégé, along with many other friends they meet along the way, embark on an epic journey to prevent war from consuming Equestria.
(It takes place fifty years after Discord was first turned to stone.)

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/43568/the-crystal-war-book-i-a-spark-to-light-the-dark

I know at 370,000 words, this story would be a ridiculous chore to give an in depth edit of, but after being rejected from EqD for containing drug use, I decided to try to find a new way to get it some attention, so if anyone has suggestions that would be very much appreciated.
>> No. 127335
>>126497
Tags: Adventure, Sad, Romance and some Comedy

Synopsis: A unicorn burnout, two pegasus brothers and Princess Luna's protégé, along with many other friends they meet along the way, embark on an epic journey to prevent war from consuming Equestria.
(It takes place fifty years after Discord was first turned to stone.)

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/43568/the-crystal-war-book-i-a-spark-to-light-the-dark

I know at 370,000 words, this story would be a ridiculous chore to give an in depth edit of, but after being rejected from EqD for containing drug use, I decided to try to find a new way to get it some attention, so if anyone has suggestions that would be very much appreciated.
>> No. 127337
>>127333
>>127335
Please submit your story to the queue using the form linked at the top of the thread (Submission form, under "For writers").
>> No. 127339
File 136600985154.png - (26.95KB , 723x973 , head-silhouette-with-question-mark.png )
127339
>>127329

I see then. Just saw the post. I was going to say that I looked back at chapters 0-7 and found those contained most of the past/present tense problems. There might be some in 8-10, but they didn't look as major as those. They should be gone after I went through them. Pretty burnt out after that. Hopefully someone will give the story a look through someday.
>> No. 127365
File 136629595918.jpg - (36.10KB , 480x444 , 136374776794.jpg )
127365
Title: A Magical New Beginning

Author: JCBorch

E-mail: [email protected]

Tags: adventure (normal?)

Synopsis: It's been a week since Twilight Sparkle's transformation and she will come to learn the weight of her new powers.

Zelda: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N1wDphaJoetLJ0SHd5-6r8GyxTnSz-4j4Ca2q9SNAOY/edit?usp=sharing

Notes: it’s an entry for a contest so it’s a little shorter than my usual works, clocking in only around 7000 words. Also not quite sure if it's too adventure for normal... or too normal for adventure.
>> No. 127367
>>127181
I'm claiming "Hearts and Mail Day" by FeatherFoot. Here are my initial observations:

Consider this just the kickoff of what may become a lengthy reviewing process. You’re aiming for EQD, so getting all the mechanical issues squared away is a must. I’d like to get those tended to first, simply because I find them to be speed bumps that bounce me out of a story. We’ve got some work ahead of us.

In the summary:
There comes times of hardship, and times of love.
There come times of hardship, and times of love.
A strict grammarian would tell you to ditch the comma, but I do like the beat it introduces.

FeatherFoot
Interesting that a pony's name is in camelCase, but okay.

sky blue mane
The Chicago Manual of Style wants you to hyphenate "sky blue", but opinions vary.
http://net.educause.edu/elements/attachments/educause/pdf/ch07_tab01.pdf

darkish gray coat
see above

His sky blue mane frizzled beyond belief, his wings' feathers ruffled, and his darkish gray coat a shade darker than normal.
This is an odd little fragment. It could almost be a sentence if "frizzled" and "ruffled" were read as verbs, but there's no verb to be found in "his darkish gray coat a shade darker than normal." Either turn that last into an independent clause, or turn it all into a series of phrases and join it up with your first sentence (which I suspect is what you intended.)

weather patrol each day
Given that Roseluck dumped FeatherFoot on the previous day, I would change "each day" to "that day."

It slowly creaked open, and he slowly stepped inside.
Not just two adverbs, but the same adverb twice. I would get rid of the first instance of "slowly." Better yet, make the second instance of “slowly” redundant (and then kill it) by using a verb like “crept.”

house, and found
no comma here

center and he
comma after "center"

on and on about-
End this with an em dash (“—”), not a regular dash (“-”).

every day life
everyday life

snapping him out of his self-induced trance
Consider "snapping himself out of his trance."

window, and turned
no comma
Remember: If you have a compound predicate (e.g., "He sat and spun."), no comma. Joining up two independent clauses? (E.g., "He sat, and he spun.") Comma before your conjunction.

before the last time they were together in a vacation to Fillydelphia
Quite a string. Consider shortening it to "before they vacationed in Fillydelphia."

He let out a sigh.
Sad pony. That's his third sigh, and we're not even halfway through page one. If he has to sigh, consider "He let out a final sigh" (assuming it is his final sigh of the scene.)

bed, and proceeded to shed a tear
no comma--last time I'm pointing it out. Also, "proceeded to" is filler. Get rid of it.

anything, and letting
Change to "anything, letting" or "anything, and let."

Something then hit his window.
You don't need the "then" here.

the window he was just at
You've already referenced "his window." You can get rid of the "he was just at."

the window he was just at, and pressed up
This sentence is starting to run on. Taking the previous note into account, make this "the window. Pressed up."

panes, was the
no comma

wall eyed mail pony
Hyphenate "wall eyed."

a less than perfect landing
As best I can tell, "less than perfect" needs to be hyphenated.

Wait here." FeatherFoot said.
Speech tag!
Wait here," FeatherFoot said.

He ran out to his kitchen and pulled out a recipe book
Muffins! Stat! Does FeatherFoot rush off and bake muffins for Derpy every time she brings a letter? Since it’s only a letter from his parents and not a check from the Equestrian Lottery Commission, I’m missing FeatherFoot’s motivation. Also, I would get rid of the first occurrence of “out”, just to avoid two closely spaced repetitions.

a page titled "Chocolate Chip muffin"
Seems like "muffin" should be capitalized. Also, sentence is missing a period at the end.

Okay, first step, mix
Consider “Okay, first step: mix.”

foret
forget

P.S.S.
P.P.S.

With love, Mom.
No period after the signature. The signature would appear *before* the P.S. and P.P.S.

to be." Feather announced.
to be," Feather announced.
I'm sensing a pattern here. Brush up on your speech tags! I won't be pointing out any more of these (like in the very next paragraph.)

Derpy smiled as she flew back out the window, realizing his full tray of muffins.
This doesn't scan.

Feather smiled., happy
no period

refridgerator
refrigerator

he flew out to perform his duties as weather patrol.
Doesn't quite scan. Try "he flew out to perform his weather patrol duties."

This brings us to the end of scene one, with quite a ways to go. One way you could expedite the process is to concentrate on two particular mechanical issues that recur in your writing: comma usage and speech tags. If you could study up on those and then proactively fix your text, it would go a long way toward streamlining the review process. I will continue to review the text as it stands, but my rate of progress will reflect the number of errors that I find.

Last edited at Thu, Apr 18th, 2013 22:14

>> No. 127368
3/29>>4938For Candy
I'm not much of a proofreader, but I'll give it a browse.

Update:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HWZ6g8aOdHLboFBshY97BpXGMtf8gZA2RTVs61w7EW0/edit?usp=sharing
This contains my comments on the story.

Last edited at Fri, Apr 19th, 2013 09:36

>> No. 127369
Title: The prophecy of Sweetest Belle
Author: warewolves
Tags: Dark Adventure

Synopsis:
When the sweetest belle has green eyes, the world shall meet its untimely demise.
An ancient prophecy foretells that if the 'Sweetest Belle' has green eyes she will bring the world to ruin. Rarity refuses to believe that her Sweetie Belle is the one the prophecy foretells. However when Sweetie Belle begins to display the signs Celestia, Luna, and Cadence warned her to look out for, Rarity has to decide if she should let her sister die to save Equestria or protect her sister from harm. And if Sweetie Belle finally finds out what they have in store for her, Rarity dreads what actions her little sister will take.

List of links to the story:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/94482/the-prophecy-of-sweetest-belle

Comments:
I am looking for someone notices stupid mistakes. Such as “Forgetting the end of talk marks.
Or using the wrong sort(This should be 'word', another example) such as hand.

As said in a separate post, I'm also reviewing this: >>4938
>> No. 127370
File 136639134063.jpg - (17.94KB , 256x256 , gentderp.jpg )
127370
(cross posted from MLPchan; where the pinkie party is.)

More than two months since it was posted, claimed and then unclaimed. The sequel to the story that made Demetrius quit the fandom. A story that has doubled in size since it was posted. A laconic attempt at sarcastic wit in the face of Canterlot nepotism.

Title: Time Turner's Discordian Detective Agency: The Panther of the Bluebloods
Tags: [Comedy][Adventure]
length: 46,390 (My, hasn't it grown?)

Synopsis: As Time Turner prepares to celebrate the Ponyville summer sun celebration with his stalker/marefriend, Lucky Catch, he's cut short by a visit from Prince Blueblood, the second most powerful pony in Equestria.

The Prince is haunted by a spectral panther: the creature responsible for the death of one of his predecessors over a thousand years ago. When the Captain of the Royal Guard refuses to waste resources investigating a ghost story, Prince Blueblood takes his aunt's advice: to hire the Discordian Detective to discover why the panther has returned after so long.


The issues: It's complete, but it sufferers from my fundamental flaws of occasional dry wordiness and the plague of the comma splice.
While it is a sequel I won't be forcing anyone to read the predecessor. If fact you're probably better off avoiding it until I make all the changes Demetrius suggested. So it's probably best to read this one cold.

A cursory review was done by Writer's Block and highlighted the issues above. Now I need someone to crowbar them into my face and tell me how terrible I am.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to flag anything (and I mean anything) dry or in error and I shall rewrite the entire damn paragraph. There's also the typos that escaped the grammar nazi edit squads.

Beyond that I hope somepony will vaguely enjoy reading it.

Link: https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B5gI-CcsIkUEQWk3anE4cTJhYlk&usp=sharing
Zelda: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/59778/

Good night, and good luck.
>> No. 127371
>>127368

Thank you for the review. I'll be sure to trim down the sections you pointed out when I get to editing chapter four.
>> No. 127387
I am look for someone to maybe do a quick read of what I have so far for my fic. I'm still writing it, so if you like it, expect more. It's about a guy who is sucked into Equestria and soon falls into a predicament. The mane pony for this fic is Applejack.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14HHjrzGeDe43g0iDpIfM8lw94won_KN8arxjcR6mGyY/edit
>> No. 127391
>>127365
I should hopefully be able to get this reviewed within a day or two.
>> No. 127392
File 136657166981.png - (324.57KB , 1280x720 , 133688077322.png )
127392
>>127391
It's time to serious up now! I will be looking forward to your judgement and I will accept it whether harsh or soft when I see it to be fair.
>> No. 127407
File 136663934913.png - (428.76KB , 1000x680 , DisQord.png )
127407
>>127296
>>127300

So, I signed on to review a story concept and help fix a few details.
Then I ended up doing a line by line edit of the first 9k word chapter, as it was written.

Problems included: Tense issues, cruelty to the common comma and a bit of unwieldiness.

But the result is good. The story respects and expands on the original Homeworld. Adding characters to a story essentially designed around one ship and expendable extras. It's even got a fight scene between Pinkie Pie and a cybernetic crazy.

It was so good I offered to preread and edit all following chapters to it's inevitable epic length.

So initial review complete.

>>127310
Considering how this is building up, combined with that music, this one is going murder feels.
>> No. 127409
Tags: [Alternate Equestria][Human][Adventure]

Summary: When one finds a “friendly neighborhood timelord” on their porch, it would not be unreasonable to expect a sonic or a blue box or at the very least a presentable bowtie. Unfortunately, Twilight Sparkle is met with none of these things. All she knows for sure is that a strange creature in a bathrobe is babbling about a hole in the universe, and she’s got a feeling she’s in for a very crazy day.

Characters: Twilight, Spike, Celestia, OC Human
Additional tags: Provisional Timelord, Hard Mode, SCIENCE!

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gQTnSkJuzyQD4sYjBHOVHoga-djtq-y7wk0pCCkYeEQ/edit?usp=sharing

Comments Requested:
- F7: I put a month's worth of revisions into the spelling/grammar, so hopefully there won't be too many issues. That being said, it needs a fine-toothed combing for the stuff I've missed so often that it looks normal. I suspect I've got a problem with run-on sentences, em-dashes, and comma splices scattered throughout, but like I said I've read it so much they don't stand out to me anymore.
- Style: are there any words/phrases that stand out obnoxiously or you feel are overused? I keep thinking I got too homogenous with my descriptions, but it might just be me.
- Pacing: do any sections stand out to you as boring/unwelcome to read?
- Characters: is anypony OOC? Is the OC at least tolerable? I am particularly interested in reader reactions to a certain point near the end that I am certain will stand out. Specifically, if he was likable before said point, what is your opinion of him at the end?
- Overall premise: Was this a satisfying read given the expectations set up by the synopsis and tags? I had a bunch of trouble trying to come up with a summary, so I want to know how well I did. Apart from that, does the whole thing work or does the Doctor angle needlessly complicate matters/betray audience expectations?
- Misc: I'm mainly concerned with reader reactions, so any stream of consciousness thoughts and comments would be most appreciated.

Thank you for your time.
>> No. 127412
File 136667641477.jpg - (36.20KB , 556x569 , mlfw7718-1344892348995443.jpg )
127412
>>127407
EEEEEEEEEEEE!

Thank you very much. It means a lot to finally hear that something I wrote is salvageable without a complete rewrite. It's been a long time since that's happened.

I really look forward to working with you in the future, good sir.

(I'll try not to kill ALL of your feels... but no promises.)
>> No. 127429
>>127365
>>127391

Overall, "A Magical New Beginning" is a good story. The writing is solid, and contained no glaring errors. The plot is engaging, explores a lot of interesting ideas, and includes some great interactions between the characters. Perhaps most importantly, at no point while reading through the story did I want to put it down. However, while the story as a whole was good, it is not yet a great story. The purpose of this review will be to discuss how to elevate this from a good story to a great one.

First, while there were relatively few technical errors, the ones I did manage to find, I have pointed out in the GDoc. The few quibbles I have with your writing are mostly stylistic, meaning that they are more my personal peeves than anything else. For example, you overuse sentences that start with "it was." I generally try to avoid beginning sentences this way because writers can emphasize words or phrases by putting them at the beginnings (or ends) of sentences. Squandering such valuable real estate on the generic "it was" seems like a waste.

But onto the meat of the review. If I were to point out one flaw in the story, it would be that the resolution to the story is not very satisfying. Right at the beginning, you introduce Twilight's apprehensions about becomming an alicorn princess both through her dream as well as through her avoidance of the castle's staff when she leaves for Ponyville. Introducing these ideas in the first few scenes establishes them as the central issues of the story, setting the expectation that the story will follow Twilight's struggles to adapt to her new identity.

Upon her arrival in Ponyville, the reader discovers that Twilight's friends will help train her newfound powers. This story arc meshes quite nicely with the character development arc you've set up. However, the story shifts dramatically upon introduction of Swirl the Swift. The previous themes get pushed aside in favor of a different story arc focusing on Swift's plot to kill Twilight, and the rather dark origin of Celestia and Luna.

You see what I'm getting at here, right? The first half of the story very nicely develops ideas and themes surrounding Twilight and her new identity, yet the climax and resolution of the story instead focus on an entirely different set of issues. The fact that the climax of the story is entirely separate from the very nice character development arc you set out for Twilight is extremely unsatisfying to the reader. It makes the whole second half of the story feel almost like a non-sequitur.

Furthermore, the climatic battle is not so climatic. Twilight dispatches the villain in the most generic way – by simply overpowering his spell, gathering the power of the elements from her friends, and defeating him with a single blow. None of what happened earlier in the story was a prerequisite for defeating Swift. More importantly, defeating Swift does nothing to advance any of the characters' development, and the central thematic issue you introduce at the beginning of the fic remains unresolved. It is as if nothing that occurred during the fic had any lasting impact on the lives of the characters.

In order for this story to become a great story, you must weave the various plot threads you have created into one coherent narrative. At the very least, defeating Swift should do someting to advance Twilight's growth as a character. Perhaps defeating Swift requires her to employ skills she learned from her friends during their training sessions (for example, if Twilight somehow cannot use magic during the fight). Perhaps part of her apprehensions of being an alicorn is her fear that she won't be able to control her powers, and she cannot defeat Swift until she finds the courage to unleash her full might. Maybe instead of trying to take Twilight's power's by force, Swift feeds upon her reluctance to be a princess to trick her to cede her powers, and defeating Swift requires an acceptance of her new identity. Tying Swift's defeat to the thematic elements you develop earlier in the story would go a long ways toward improving the story.

Finally, the ending of the story (as well as the battle) just ends up being a lot of exposition. While some is necessary to tie together some of the loose ends regarding the origins of Swift, I wonder if some of these would have been better hinted at earlier in the fic. In addition, you very abruptly introduce the dark, Fullmetal Alchemist-like origin of the alicorns and don't really do justice to such a shocking idea. While Twilight may hold a great deal of love and respect for her mentor, I would at least expect some reaction of shock or revulsion at the realization that Celestia is made of dead ponies. I would suggest droping this idea and saving it for another story. If you really want to explore this idea further, perhaps instead of training with her friends, the middle of the story consists of Twilight researching more about the origin or alicorns. Of course, delving into this idea further would drastically change the tone and direction of the story (which is one reason why it feels somewhat out of place here).

This story shows a lot of potential and has all the elements of a great story. It just need a bit more thought on how to integrate these these aspects together into a coherent, unified narrative.


So, to summarize the main problems with the story:
* Twilight defeats Swift too easily.
* Defeating Swift does not advance Twilight's character development.
* The story of Celestia's creation is a bit too dark for this story.
* The story lacks focus and needs a central theme to connect the various events in the story.

Last edited at Wed, Apr 24th, 2013 22:20

>> No. 127430
File 136687890194.jpg - (8.05KB , 272x185 , 1334266667852.jpg )
127430
>>127429
It looks like I have my work cut out for me now. Between the tips you left me in the google doc and your deeper going review here, I think I will have it made. I must admit the ending was a little rushed because I was rushed for space. But that's no excuse! I can always make a contest edit. Now I will focus on making this a coherent, good story.

And thank you so much for taking your time to help me out! Your help here will prove invaluable.
>> No. 127431
Title: Why am I Crying?

Author: Rated Ponystar

Word Count: 8,316

Synopsis: For as long as any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders can remember, Diamond Tiara had always been the biggest bully they knew. But when that said bully dies in an accident, each of them starts to go through their own emotional experience from this sudden change in their lives. Each will learn more about themselves and about the pony who they all thought they knew before she is laid to rest.

Link: https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0Bx4mga9JRt8oa3RKQjN2SVdsZXM&usp=sharing

This managed to get popular on Fimfiction.net and I tried getting it onto Equestria Daily. It came close, but there were still some problems that had to be fixed and they recommended me putting I through here.

Hope you enjoy it.
>> No. 127434
>>127367
O.O
I can't believe I let all that slip past the radar :c
>> No. 127435
File 136705019401.jpg - (84.92KB , 700x700 , Twi's gonna die.jpg )
127435
Title: Fall of Twilight

Author: Digi

Synopsis: Princess Twilight Sparkle is dead.

The final adventure of the mane 6 had saved the world once more, but at the cost of the one who brought them together. Now each friend must learn a new lesson, but not all are willing to try. Can the mane 5 learn how to let go?

Tags: Normal, Sad

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qdgnHbuYPmD7y6LJw9KgjaXG6vJ-8iD8I4FePwsuwDo/edit?usp=sharing

Basically this is the first part of a series of short chapters based around that tweet sent out awhile ago about how Twilight won't outlive her friends. While there are a massive amount of fics where Twi does outlive them due to being an Alicorn I have not seen much, if any, of the reverse. So I thought it would be interesting to try out.
>> No. 127439
>>127434

Not to worry. I've gotten behind myself due to a few distractions. I'm glad to see that you are getting some of the edits made. Just so you don't think I've forgotten you, here are some more (with more to come):

all, and nearly
all and nearly

head, and regained
head and regained

station, and put
station and put
That's your quota of those for this session. The remainder are up to you to find.

back, he realized
You've got an extra space between "back," and "he."

about 15 pegasi
about fifteen pegasi

worth it." he told
worth it," he told
Speech tag. That's the last one of those I'm flagging for you this time around.

from the East, and the others going to the West
from the east and the others going to the west

"Feather, something wrong?" he asked.
Repetitive when taken with the second sentence of the preceding paragraph.
Cloud Trotter noticed the sudden change in FeatherFoot's expression. "Feather, something wrong?"
would work as well.

around , and saw
around and saw
I'm pointing this one out only because it also has a stray space between "around" and the comma.

the pony she is with now
the pony she was with now
The jump to present tense is jarring.

Rose? Why did you-
Change dash to em dash. Use em dashes to delimit interrupted or cut-off dialogue. I'll leave it to you to find other instances of this.

with me I could
with me, I could

isn't it Roid?
isn't it, Roid?

FeatherFoot fumbled backward
I would suggest "stumbled" in place of "fumbled."

So long Feather.
So long, Feather.

As he looked down, he saw the clouds they needed.
Largely repeated word for word in the next sentence. I would suggest an alternative, such as
As he looked down, he saw what they had come for.

He shook his head, but not in time before he felt an immense impact that felt like getting hit by a chariot being pulled by a steam engine.
Clunky sentence

shouted as he leaps
shouted as he leaped

legs straight in the air
Consider
legs straight up in the air

Oh horseapples!
Oh, horseapples!

the sweatdrops fell straight the fluffy white puff
Missing a word. Also, "sweatdrops" => "sweat drops"

"Well, that took longer than I thought." Cloud stated.
"Well, that took longer than I thought," Cloud said.
In general, use the unobtrusive "said" or "asked" whenever possible. Use other speaking verbs only when you want to draw attention to them, at the expense of distracting your reader from the dialogue itself. This is the one great exception to the general idea of keeping your words and phrases non-repetitive.

while sporting the same frown as Cloud had seen him earlier
I expect you mean an implied "had seen him wear earlier", but you'd be better off explicitly stating it. Also, "sporting" appears again two lines below.

Looking off to the East
Looking off to the east

takepff platform
takeoff platform

He noticed that it was nighttime.
Immediately after this line, all sorts of things happen that suggest that it is early morning. I suggest changing "nighttime" to "daybreak" or something similar.

'How long was I out?'
The convention for thoughts is to italicize only. No quotes.

Feather sais
Feather said

Feather replied, and he took off.
Antecedent confusion for the pronoun "he." I suggest you change "he" to "Dewdrop."

he wore on occasions
he wore on occasion

He felt the breeze through his light gray coat and sky blue mane and tail.
He felt the breeze through his light-gray coat and sky-blue mane and tail.
You have already described the colors in the second sentence of your story, although there it was a "darkish-gray coat."

'Haven't actually been here before. I'd better watch my step.'
Again, no quotes around thoughts. I'll let you find the rest of these.

full three hundred and sixty degree turn
full 360 degree turn
This makes for consistency with the "180 degree turn" below.

Why did I have to dwell
Needs an opening double quote.

saw five Cockatrices
I would make cockatrice lower case, as you do later in your story. However you choose to do it, make it consistent.

"Go...now...save...yourself..."
I suggest
"Go... now... save... yourself..."
I have seen several conventions for ellipses. The one most commonly accepted in the field of pony literature seems to be three periods followed by a single space.

The stone statue of what is FeatherFoot
Another jarring jump to present tense. Consider something like
The stone statue that was FeatherFoot
In fact, the whole little mini-scene of which this is a part is a jumble of past and present tense. I would suggest putting the whole thing into past tense, consistent with the rest of your story.

physical bosy
physical body

Various images flooded FeatherFoot's mind. His subconscious self just glanced at each while they passed by.
Get rid of the scene break that immediately precedes this sentence, then distinguish between references to the flashbacks (which you want non-italicized) and the flashbacks proper (which should be italicized and are exactly the material you have in quotes.)

"I'm seeing someone else Feather"
"I'm seeing someone else, Feather."
Use a comma to set off direct address.

"Have a good life FeatherFoot."
"Have a good life, FeatherFoot."

If he could tear up physically he would have by now.
If he could tear up physically, he would have by now.

pale yellow mare
pale-yellow mare

It's stare
Its stare


Again, fixing anything you can before I reach it will make things go faster for both of us. A final request: Please supply links to any previous reviews of your story, especially if they happen to be EQD-prereader responses. If your goal is EQD, it helps to know any issues they have with your story.

Last edited at Sat, Apr 27th, 2013 18:12

>> No. 127458
Date: 3/21
Post: >>127100
Title: The Desert

I will read over the story today and get back to you on that review. I'll probably transfer the story to a Google Doc so that I can make my comments there.

Edit: I need the password. I sent an email.

Last edited at Mon, Apr 29th, 2013 08:42

>> No. 127459
>>127243

Let's make this official!
>> No. 127465
While I wait for the password on the other fic, I'm going to review this one as well, Changelings Change Everything.

Date: 3/25
Link: >>127158
Title: Changelings Change Everything
>> No. 127477
>>127458
Oh. The password is just password. I'm pretty sure I put it in the post but I might have forgotten somehow...
>> No. 127488
Well I got pretty thorough reviews last time I was here, so let's do this again.

What Have I Become?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/101502/what-have-i-become

(I feel like I need to mention this first off: Yes, this is a Human in Equestria story but, no this is NOT a conversion story, no the protagonist does NOT get transformed into a pony)

Synopsis: He had lost it all. Wife, kids, home, and a fairly successful career as an OSHA Safety Inspector. Sure he could get it back, but why leave what he really needs? Looking to escape a personal Hell, George Rizzo finds himself some rather disreputable characters who can offer him happiness... for a price of course. So with a pack on his back and a needle in his arm, he sets off to find a nice little overpass to call home. There he meets his inevitable final downfall and at the same time, some friends he so desperately needs.

Tags: Dark, Sad, Tragedy (repetitive, I know), Human in Equestria, Drug use, tobacco use (future chapters), tons O' swearing, vomit, and other nasties that have made me rate this story "Mature."

Last time I requested a review I got one from Minjask and one from Twilight Snarkle. I was very pleased with both reviews, so if either of you want to review this one too, it would be much appreciated. Otherwise anyone else who wants to claim it, have at it.

Small note: This story is hard enough for me to write. Kind of hits hard. So I ask please be gentle when giving an opinion on the very objectionable content in this fic, but still give me an honest opinion. But that's not to say be gentle when reviewing grammar/tense/et cetera mistakes. In that case I want you to hit me with a brick if needed.

I know for sure this is NOT for everyone, but I would like to have it reviewed for optimal reading pleasure for those who would like it.

Otherwise, brony on and TTFN.


EDIT: This is turning into a longer fic than I originally intended, so I would like whatever chapters are currently posted at the time of review claiming to be reviewed please.

Last edited at Sun, May 5th, 2013 14:53

>> No. 127489
>>127458
The review is done and in a Google Doc.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KLZdxzVng4Wu-lXZ-2jLlnGmbsL6wsPx9oTYVBHqa5I/edit
>> No. 127490
>>127489
Thank you so much! I've been waiting so long for that and it wasn't [i]quite[i] as bad as I thought it would be... Anyways, I'll be emailing you some questions/comments/whatever so be prepared for a ton of stuff...
>> No. 127493
>>127283
Forsooth! Thou hast failed to make thy document open to comments, so We shall air thy dirty laundry in public!

>The day was bright.
Weather maketh a poor opening. Readers have oft seen it, and it distinguisheth thy story not from the massed hordes of others. Get thee quickly to something that maketh thy fan-fiction different!

>It was the Kingdom of Vertigo she knew
'Tis a bad notion to use a pronoun before thou hast a possible antecedent, vague though it may be. And the lack of a comma changeth the meaning here. Without a comma after "Vertigo", thou sayest that thy character is familiar with said kingdom, not that she merely hath knowledge of its existence.

>and as she paid attention as she had been taught to do
Thou lackest a comma after thy dependent clause.

>but down where she was amongst the humble earth and the trees she was traveling alone, but not quite— she had the sunshine to keep her company and she did not mind
Likewise, to separate clauses, thou needest commas after "trees" and "company". Dashes shall have spaces on both sides or neither, not this half-arsed hybrid.

> Loaded on that cart were barrels of red, green, and yellow apples on their way to a new place, a new home to be enjoyed by the residents of a quaint village in a quaint wood; the Whitetail Wood, whose trees stood guard at the worn roads side.
Thy abuse of an innocent semicolon beginneth to arouse Our anger! What lieth on both sides should be able to stand as an independent sentence. 'Twould work better as a dash or colon.

>And there is nothing at all like the imaginations of roaming minds on strolls beneath a beautiful sun.
We appreciate that thou art attempting poesy, but this passage hath awkward turns of phrase and exhibiteth a strange disconnect from the earlier musings in Applejack's own head. Rather than continue in her voice, the narrator hath stepped back to give thoughts about her thoughts.

>at that particular space
"In" would be a better choice, methinks.

>cacophony
When thou hast chosen an unusual word, it standeth out that much more upon repetition.

>She was parched she was informed
Thou needest a comma.

>a water's edge
"The" would sound more natural.

>not all logic of all ponies of all places but her particular logic at that moment in time and at that particular space
Missing a comma, and thou hast used nearly identical phrasing not long before.

>Applejack found
Yon phrase should be surrounded and beset on all sides by commas.

>The path Applejack was traveling by laid dark as a result
"Lay", not "laid". A common confusion of verbs, and a first offence. We shall merely swat it away like a pesky gadfly. For now.

>oddly blurring and glowing mist
If thy repetition of that phrase hath a purpose, it is lost on Us. "Obscure" as well, for that matter.

>Sunlight poured down in rays through the weakened canopy here, illuminating a monument laid flat against the earth.
Modifiers curl their tendrils around the nearest possible object—in this case, "canopy". That is not what thou meanest.

>Sure that she was mistaken Applejack opened her mouth
Elements preceding the subject are often followed by a comma in American usage, which thou seemest to employ, but British usage often escheweth such. However, We would recommend a comma in this instance to avoid the feeling that "mistaken" is a predicate adjective instead of "mistaken Applejack" being a predicate noun.

>fraction of her conscious
"Consciousness", surely. Thou tryest Our patience.

>But she felt, the mass and the momentum of it
If that comma hath any right to exist, We shall eat Our crown.

>a lone clouds image
And the defenceless apostrophe hath been mistreated as well. We cannot stand idly by and condone such actions, citizen!

>It was a tremendous amount of courage that kept her from galloping.
And what possible reason would she have for exhibiting such bravery here? 'Tis folly to remain in danger for no purpose.

>On the far end of the room across the entrance
Missing a "from", or else the far end spanneth the entryway.

>"What can I get for you, ma'am?" The barkeep inquired in a professional manner
Dialogue capitalization error. Thou hast it right for Applejack's ensuing dialogue; the use of a question mark in lieu of a comma maketh no difference. "The" should be lower-case.

>nervous looking
Hyphenate thy multi-word modifiers.

>Applejacks mug
We shall avenge thee, poor downtrodden apostrophe!

>miss
When it is a term of address, essentially taking the place of her name, capitalize.

>as if questioning if she was being honest
Subjunctive mood applieth to hypotheticals. Thou sayest, "...as if questioning if she were..."

>He paused, and lowered his voice before continuing
Ah, finally a place where thou hast an unnecessary comma. 'Tis merely a compound structure, not a new clause.

>cocatrices
cockatrices

>if that's what they want Celestia forbid
Missing comma for invective.

>two pony
Another hyphen-less modifier.

>inside out
Surely "inside and out".

>roads bend
Why must thou treat apostrophes in such a manner WHY!? *sobs*

>now that it's reign was done
Another common error. "It's" and "its" are oft confused.

Thou hast a curious lack of commas that would serve to improve understanding. We have provided a number of examples, but certainly not an exhaustive list. We have other supplicants to see, and cannot serve as the copy-editor.

We are frankly gobsmacked at what thou art trying to accomplish here. The constant repetition of certain words and phrases could have a stylistic purpose, but We are as yet unconvinced, as they have a mixed pattern of being effective or merely appearing as oversights in editing.

We must at least congratulate thee on the word-smithing, as it hath a rich feel overall, though it be undercut by some word choice and punctuation issues. Beware as well that thou keepest a tight rein on thy sentences, that they not run on so long as to have unclear focus. It is of this quality that We wish to speak, however. This narrative style is completely at odds with Applejack herself. If thou hast intended for this juxtaposition to have an intended effect, We cannot discern what it was supposed to be. Particularly when the narrator speaketh from Applejack's viewpoint or relateth her quotations directly, it soundeth not like our beloved farm pony. To wit, the only thing identifying this character as uniquely Applejack is her wagon-load of apples. Save that, thou couldst replace her with any given pony, and the story would not suffer for it. For that matter, thou couldst replace all they characters with humans, and only the minor bit about the clouds (which runneth completely tangent to the story anyway) need be modified. So, it is barely a story about ponies and barely a story about Applejack.

Also debatable is whether the story hath any conflict. A scary situation, yes, but how hath she or any other character changed as a result of the experience. 'Twould be like having her run briefly while being pursued by a rabid squirrel, then feeling glad for emerging unscathed. What hath changed about her in the process? Hath she learned something new about herself? Hath she gained some new connection with her father, if indeed thou wishest to tie in her reminiscences in some meaningful way?

In summary, thou hast an ability to craft eloquent sentences, but the most beautiful bricks can only make an impressive edifice if they are wielded to proper effect. Instead of relating the passage of a creepy moment, have thy story say something.

Final mood: Penny wise, pound foolish, We should think. A trifle confused, and lamenting the mistreatment of innocent punctuation, but with some pleasant surprises as well.

Write thee onward, citizen!
>> No. 127494
File 136779173256.jpg - (4.09KB , 160x160 , bored_luna.jpg )
127494
(No thread post for this request existeth)

Prepare thyself for judgment, mortal! We have perused thy fan-fiction and have prepared this evaluation:

>Spike felt as if his legs were going to give way any minute, if his lungs didn't give out before then. Gasping for breath
Wherefore is he so fatigued? We can understand that he would be stressed, but nothing hath occurred thus far to make Us believe he would be so tired. Thou assumest the reader wilt recognize this scene from an episode immediately.

>He suddenly stopped when he reached Twilight, watching her as she trotted over to a nearby door, arousing his interest.
Modifiers, the naughty little ragamuffins, like to attach themselves to the nearest thing. Thus, thy "watching..." participle seemeth to describe "Twilight", and thy "arousing" participle seemeth to describe the door.

>While this event had been several months ago
Ere now, thou hast been leaving a blank space betwixt paragraphs. Why has thou changed thy format? It-it vexeth Us!

>alicorn, a princess no less
All evidence from canon suggesteth that they are one and the same. Of course, We know the truth of it, but thou mortals must be left some little mysteries to keep thyselves occupied.

>Why am I feeling this way?
'Tis customary (though not required) to italicize thoughts.

>Oh, sure, I suppose I could look after myself, but I'm still a baby.
Somehow this ringeth false as something Spike would say. He is loath to see himself as a baby and striveth to prove himself as mature.

>Tears swelled his eyes and he quickly lifted a shaky hand to wipe them away.
Thou lackest a comma betwixt the clauses. Beware conjunctions—they often use commas between clauses, but usually not when separating a compound structure of two items.

>To calm himself he took a swig of the hot chocolate, a small smile spreading across his face as the hot cocoa warmed his body and the marshmallows within it massaged his tongue.
To what doth "it" refer? Presumably his mouth, but it hath not been mentioned previously, and so cannot serve as an antecedent.

>Said pony walked over to him and smiled.
'Tis rather self-aware of the narrator. Do this at thine own peril.

>"Can I ask you a question."
'Tis a question. Why not punctuate it as such? Innocent punctuation, always bearing the brunt of authors everywhere. *grumbles*

>Y-Yeah
Thou shalt only capitalize the first one!

>"Well, the best advice I can give is that you need to tell her how you feel. If you're not comfortable with that, then you can always tell one of your other friends."
What common sense. Surely, Spike needn't traipse all the way to Pony Joe's to hear such a proclamation of wisdom.

>seemed to be quite engaged in a conversatio
How droll! We absolutely love that Super Mario character! What a whimsical lad he is!

*claps hooves*

We expect thou hast omitted a letter, but do not fret—that moment of amusement hath abated Our rage.

>He peered at them through the store window, both ponies oblivious to his presence, their eyes focused solely on each other and nothing each, one of them occasionally taking a sip of their shake, followed shortly by the other.
Thou hast four extra thoughts appended onto the base sentence. It rambleth on about this and that until it hath lost all focus. Decide what thou wantest the sentence to say and keep that focus. If all those things deserve to be said, give them their own sentences.

>his stomach growled upon seeing them enjoying thier shakes and he had to fight the urge to want to join them
Another missing comma betwixt clauses.

>due to the fact they only needed three hours of sleep to function throughout the day
'Tis a bold claim.

>entrance door
'Twould seem rather redundant.

>Hopefully, she wouldn't make a big deal out of it and hopefully Rainbow Dash wouldn't pressure her into spilling what he'd told her.
Thou shoudst be consistent about whether to use a comma after an introductory element, as in the two instances of "hopefully" here.

>taking aback
Taken aback

>only to be met
Extra space in there.

>She listened intently to what Spike whispered in her ear.
Thus far, thy narrator hath followed Spike, and should know what he is saying. We could see if thou wanted to keep it secret for storytelling purposes, but 'twould still be better to keep this in his perspective rather than frame parts ofthis paragraph from Applejack's.

>Rainbow Dash's expressio faltered.
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! That silly Mario character again!

*wipes away tear*

Thou hast kept us—how do the foals say it these days?—oh, yes: in stitches!

>Applejack chuckled. "Nice try."
'Tis an odd place to end a scene. It just sort of... fizzleth out. Note also that much of this dialogue exhibiteth what hath gained the appellation "talking heads". A conversation seemeth not as real if We cannot see what the participants are doing. Intersperse some more actions, particularly of the fine details that give cues as to how they're feeling.

>The baby dragon couldn't have disagreed with them if he tired.
But he is tired... Perhaps thou meanest "tried".

>The night air was refreshing and cool; not too hot, not too cold.
We have a charity pamphlet that thou shouldst read regarding abuse of innocent semicolons. They require indpendent clauses on both sides. Thou shouldst be able to replace one with a period and have both sentences make sense.

>she merely stopped this action
A rather dry, clinical way of phrasing it.

>Not that nopony would have a problem with that, mind you.
Why is he speaking to me? Thy narrator hath not been in the habit, so it is rather disorienting to have him start now.

>didn't last no more
The negative hath been doubled!

Huzzah!

>proviidng
Seriously, hast thou edited thine own work? We have too many royal matters to oversee to correct spelling.

>Rainbow Dash being one of the first due to the proximity her home had to Ponyville
Its distance from Ponyville, yes? It's phrased in a confusing manner, as the ones who actually live in Ponyville have the greatest proximity.

>the library, her home
Thou canst assume thy reader will know this.

>walking in the living room carrying a tray containing two glasses of milk on her back
Missing a comma for the participle, but again, placement suggesteth that the room is carrying the tray.

>her head in her hoof
Why? That posture would seem to be contrary to her mood. It is reminiscent of being tired or frustrated.

>Does wonder for insomnia.
Wonders

>"So, Spike," she playfully nudged him with her hoof, smiling down at him, "what's cha wanna talk about?"
Thy dialogue tag hath no speaking verb. And it is typically spelt "whatcha" or "what'cha".

>sugar cube
One word when used as a term of endearment.

>she coaxed
She coaxed whom? 'Tis a transitive verb.

>how he had never noticed before how
Thou shouldst avoid such close repetition.

>He looked at her, bewildered.
This saith that she is bewildered, not he.

>brougth
*sighs*

*gnashes teeth*

>What if-
A dash indicateth a cutoff, not a hyphen.

>bottled-up
'Tis not a hyphenated term in this usage.

>smile,"she
Lacking a space.

>But," she cupped his face in her hooves and turned his head so that they were looking at each other eye to eye, "ya
No speaking verb in the tag again. To have an action break speech, use dashes, like so:
But—" she cupped . . . eye to eye "—ya

>shuteye
shut-eye

>sausages
LIES! FILTHY LIES! To think that We would eat... meat!

>Applebloom
Apple Bloom

>ya'll
y'all. One of the most-misspelled words in my realm. Thou wouldst do wise not to make this mistake again.

>"He's out back playing with Applebloom."
Did they not just see him out the window?

>in agreement without argument
'Tis rather redundant.

>I'm having trouble dealing with.
With what?

>Come ére
Typically "c'mere".

>She began to stroke his head while she began to sing to him.
Repetitive use of "began".

In addition to the "talking heads", thou hast communicated emotion rather bluntly is some places. Here are a few examples:
>he felt that now his worst fear was coming to fruition
>Why now is it that I feel like the worst is yet to come?
>She gave him a puzzled look.
>He looked at her, bewildered.
'Tis more effective to make the reader deduce those characters' feeling from how they act and look rather than skipping to the punchline, as it were. For instance, bloodshot eyes or a head caught nodding would indicate tiredness in a realer manner to the reader instead of merely saying the character was tired. Much of the narration focuseth on events at the expense of how the characters feel about them.

We have not been exhaustive in our search—the examples provided in this review serve to indicate what types of errors were present. It lieth on thee to scour out all occurrences. Comma problems were fairly prevalent.

Lastly, We should say that the effectivenss of this story must be gauged by what thou intendest to do with it. As a mere mood piece to entertain what readers may happen by it? Thou art mostly there. But as something that standeth out from the crowd of other stories that hath handled the same subject? There is not much here than dozens of other stories have not done, unless a reader is somehow enamored with the prospect of Applejack serving as the intermediary.

Final mood: *yawn* Maybe We have some paperwork lying around that We should be doing...

Write thee onward, citizen!
>> No. 127498
>>126614
>>126669
By the way, I don't think I properly thanked you two for the help. It was finally approved for posting on EqD, SO couldn't have done it without yous!
>> No. 127500
File 136787519842.png - (46.79KB , 221x155 , 1354262974169.png )
127500
>>127498
>I don't think I properly thanked you two for the help.
Seeing that it got accepted to EqD is all the thanks I need. And thank *you*, sir, for the opportunity to help improve it.

Last edited at Mon, May 6th, 2013 17:30

>> No. 127501
>>127498
I, unfortunately, did not do very much save smack you around a little. But I am glad to see it on EQD, as the story was worth it, once you cut away the dross. =)
>> No. 127502
>>127501
Sometimes a little smacking around is all a writer needs. A little "dose of reality" so to say.
>> No. 127509
>>127459

The review has been completed via chat in document.
>> No. 127510
>>127509

Cool beans. Acknowledging because I have to...
>> No. 127512
>>127320

I'll get the review cranked out shortly, mate.
>> No. 127513
>>127320
>>127512

Review done. Enjoy.

The first half of chapter one was actually pretty uninteresting, unfortunately. There's nothing really there to keep me reading; there's no hook or pull. A lot of it could honestly be cut and I wouldn't feel I'd miss anything.

Conversely, the second half of the first chapter did spark my interest. You introduced an interesting character in the form of Flare, the book which seems to be the impetus of the plot and the villain. Things like this would be more likely to keep people reading than describing how the main character feels about a party.

Other than that, your spelling and grammar are well done and I've commented on some of the ones I found in your document. Your descriptions are solid and I felt like I could follow along. Nothing spectacular, but it gets the job done. I hope to see more interesting descriptions as we delve into the battle I hope the second chapter doesn't gloss over.


Well, the second chapter was certainly fun and well within what I hoped it'd be. It sounds like the start of a grand adventure. I wouldn't be surprised if it made it through the Pre-reader queue at EqD, since you seem to meet the standards of technical writing, at the very least.

Your villain, though, is really cliche. His dialogue is especially guilty of this. I'd work on him a little more before submitting, if you're going to. It's better if your villains have a purpose other than 'I'm evil so I do evil things'. Give him some motivations, maybe a backstory... something that makes him less like a bond villain and more like a character.

That's all I have for you at the moment. It's a premise that interests me. The main character and his kitsune are fun and I'd like to see how their relationship grows through the story.
>> No. 127516
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127516
Dayumm. Four reviews in one day! Croswynd is on a roll, and I think it's time I joined the fray. Havard, I'm going to try again, but I'm not going to claim it so that if I fail this time, you're not stranded.
>> No. 127520
File 136815582070.png - (746.88KB , 1200x947 , Vinyl LoL.png )
127520
>>127399

Your review will be worked on as soon as I finish playing LoL.
>> No. 127521
File 136816770981.jpg - (181.39KB , 480x480 , Heartfelt.jpg )
127521
>>127520

Alright, I'll do this chapter by chapter.

Chapter 1:

I have to agree with a lot of what the pre-reader said. The beginning was extremely dry and barren of any kind of hook to it. It's like reading an actual history book, which very few people enjoy. If it were read through the perspective of Twilight, with her thoughts on it in between paragraphs, it would be much better. You could also disclose this information over the course of the story, depending on how the next few chapters go, by having Twilight read from it daily, rather than all in one go. The dryness of the text may be less of a deterrent for new readers if it's broken down into smaller segments not all in one place, though I'd still try and change it to be quotes by Twilight or her thoughts on the subject.

The numbers were also strange to me, especially the percentages. Putting aside the fact that simple numbers should, as the pre-reader said, be written out, the exact percentages of the armies was... too exact for a history book, especially one thousands of years before Twilight's even been born. Instead of percentages, you should use more uncertainties, like "thousands of soldiers each more barbaric than the last" or "the ponies fielded one of their soldiers for every three of the humans'"

There were also quite a few sentences that ran on. You use commas where a period should go several times, like "She cleared her throat, gazed at the paper and tried to clear her mind, trying to stay as calm as possible, she couldn’t tell why, but something about what she had just read gave her chills." You can and should break these up into smaller segments, like "She cleared her throat and gazed at the paper, trying to clear her mind and stay as calm as possible. She couldn't tell why, but something about what she had just read gave her chills." You could break it up further or change it however you like, but keep an eye out for these types of over-long sentences as you edit.

As I said, I agree with the pre-reader and there's not much new information I can give you on the "prologue" you have here.


Chapter 2:

Already you fall into the trap of repeating the same cadence of sentence structure. "She slowly did this. She gently did this. She said quietly." Try to vary up the way you write your sentences. A good way to do this might be to add some more description of the surroundings. As well as some might know the throne room, it would be better to describe how it looks, just to break the monotony. Fan fiction writers have a tendency to forego details like this, so you're not alone, but you do need to work on it.

Your dialogue is also too rushed, mainly due to your comma usage as stated in the previous chapter's review. Think about how people talk; we don't speak everything all in one breath, normally. You need to use full stops (periods) to add longer pauses between sentences and cut up the run-on dialogue into more realistic chunks. Otherwise it reads awkwardly. For instance, instead of "You should rest now sister, you have made enough progress on decrees, you deserve a good night's sleep." you should do something like "You should rest now, sister. Progress has been made well enough on your many decrees and you deserve a good night's slumber." See how I also varied up the sentence structure so Luna isn't repeatedly saying "you should, you should, you should"? Work on it.

Your prose is also very bare-bones. There's very little going on, no subtleties that exist in life happening in your story. There's no clicking of their horseshoes against the marble floor, no wind whispering softly in the night, no crisp, alpine-scented air. You need more oomph, kid. It can't just be "he did this, she did this, they did this". Add the details in that pull the reader into the world you're weaving.

And then there's the meme, Gamer Luna. As "funny" as it is, it's extremely jarring to a reader if you're attempting to create a serious story or even one that fits into the canon of the show. Personally, I don't approve of the use of this meme if the story isn't focused on an alternate universe Luna who has access to this technology. In Equestria as it is, it shouldn't, since they seem less sophisticated, in some areas, than our current level of tech.

Immediately after the "Gamecolt" joke you start coming up with descriptions that are nice by their lonesome. But then you fall into that unrelenting cadence again. You need to vary your writing to keep it interesting.

A note: you don't have to add something after "she said" every time. After all, there's nothing wrong with just saying something.

You need to work on controlling your ridiculously run-on sentences. They look out of place in regular writing, let alone in dictation from Twilight Sparkle herself.

And another meme shows itself. Honestly, if you're going for straight comedy, I guess it's fine, but the tone certainly doesn't match anything 'comedic', aside from these odd asides.

You've got quite a few mistakes to work on that are sprinkled throughout your story. It's stuff like "She Giggled". Make that lowercase, mate. Also, in dialogue, if it's something verbal (like groaned, complained or argued), use a comma as you transition from dialogue to prose. If it's nonverbal (she smiled, he sneezed, they scratched themselves) then you use a period.

Take a moment to notice you have Twilight speak a little about what she read to Spike. This is a good way to give information to the reader, rather than having us read it out of a book. Just be careful to not make it -too- much of an info-dump. There's a little leeway with Twilight, since she's definitely the type to spout facts and figures at you until you stop her, but toe the line.

Hmm. Finally, at the end of Chapter 2, we have a hook. Just a small one, but the idea that something is keeping knowledge from Celestia is a hook that should be in the beginning. Maybe not that one exactly, but something like it to keep the reader interested in your prologue.


Chapter 3:

As a note, not having a blank line between paragraphs is rather distracting. It makes sense in a book, but in the format of FiMfiction, it's out of place. Still, it is personal preference, so it's not "wrong", per se.

Again, you have sentences trying to cram all the information in the world into one compact form, but that doesn't work. Take the time to spell it out. Use periods. "Rarity was busy making dresses, with Spike's assistance, while Applejack was busy with the farm. Rainbow was, as usual, practicing her daring maneuvers. It was a wonder the mare didn't injure herself more. Fluttershy, on the other hoof, was taking care of a few sick animals." Etc, etc. Or you could mention Rarity and Applejack and then say "The others were just as busy, Fluttershy with her animals and Rainbow with her tricks." This also adds the benefit of varying up your sentences, which you sorely need.

I'm noticing a lot of sentences where commas would actually be appropriate. You should look through the links the pre-reader provided you, as well as do your own research on where commas are needed and not needed.

Pick a tense and keep to it. Most of your story is in past tense, so stay consistent. Don't say things like "It's hard to keep track" unless it's a direct thought of a character or dialogue.

And now we finally get to the humans. I like that magic exists in their world. That's neat. Honestly, I can't really give much feedback on it, since I detest human in Equestria fics, but the idea of humanity using magic to enter the world is a good one. It's more creative than most HiE stories, at least. I just don't know if that's enough to make up for everything else.

Your writing can use a -lot- of work. Sentence structure, realistic dialogue... these things are key. Story hooks and keeping your reader tuned in, as well as not breaking immersion, are also big ideas you need to keep in mind.

Overall, I don't think it's ready for submission anytime soon. You'll need to go over this story with a fine-toothed comb to find all the errors and fix the things I, and the pre-reader, mentioned. There are a few good ideas sprinkled rarely throughout, but it's just overshadowed by the mechanical writing.


That does it for me. Hope it was helpful. If you need any clarifications or have questions, feel free to ask.
>> No. 127523
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127523
>>127435

Since your story is like three pages, I'll refrain from making two posts and just delve into the review.

Already in the second sentence, you have a comma where a semi-colon should be used.

A note, but when you start off sentences with "Alrighty" or "First" that aren't part of the main idea, use a comma. Like "Alrighty, let's get to it." When people speak, there's a little bit of a pause there, you see? In fact, voicing out your dialogue is a good way to get it nice and realistic.

There's another sentence with a comma where something else should be. It's in the second paragraph. I'll let you find it.

I notice you use "til" out of dialogue. Don't do this. Use "until" everywhere but in certain character's dialogue (i.e., those who -would- use the shortened version).

You have a habit of running two separate sentences together with commas. It makes for awkward reading. In fact, it's everywhere in these three pages.

New dialogue should always be a new paragraph.

Stay consistent. Before, you used "I" a lot. Now you're using "Ah". Pick one.

Left a lot of comments in your doc for other, miscellaneous tidbits.

And so we reach the end of the review. While my criticisms outweigh what I liked about the story, it's not terrible. It's mostly your technical writing that needs work. The story itself was fine, if a bit short, but if you're writing each friend having a talk with Twilight's statue, it'd be a nice, touching read. Your dialogue, aside from inconsistencies, was nice, as well.

Overall, not bad, but I'd do some heavy editing before submitting it to EqD, should that be your plan.


Last edited at Fri, May 10th, 2013 11:38

>> No. 127530
>>127488

I'll work on it today and see if I can't get the review out tonight.
>> No. 127545
File 136853599852.jpg - (49.47KB , 640x607 , kirby-20070912073514307_640w.jpg )
127545
Tags: Adventure, Humor, Crossover.

Source Material: Kirby, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Synopsis: Guardian Signets, Realm Passes, Realm guardians. The true meaning of these words have become lost with time. The realms were not always sealed off from one another. Kirby of the stars, Twilight Sparkle. By all right, their paths should never have crossed, but fate plays odd games. As a dark force threatens all lives, these two must face it as well as their doubts and fears. Above all they must have hope, in their own skills and in the friendships they forge.

Chapter 1: Idle Hand

Word count:5060

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dWcoTNjdKxcIERg9zYmb5h-Y6KAbgUAqoLvb5OzTPLU/edit


... So, a bit of an odd one for yah, T.G. It's not just a crossover between Kirby and M.L.P but some others, too. It's kinnda in the vain of Kingdom Hearts.

About the title, I'm not really feeling it anymore. Thinking about calling it "Harmonic Stars". How's that?

Anyway, while this is going to be about 40% action, my main focus is going to be character interaction, with Kirby and Twilight growing a sort of sibling relationship.

Anyway, knowledge of Kirby and Super Smash Bros. is a plus but not needed.

Enjoy... or don't, I guess. Your choice, really.
>> No. 127563
Tags: [Adventure][Alternate Universe][Crossover][Dark]

Synopsis:Twilight Sparkle grew up in the fortress library of Candlekeep under the tutelage of her foster father, Starswirl the Bearded. When danger finds them there, Starswirl elects to leave, bringing Twilight with him. Twilight never wanted nor planned to leave her beloved library home, but when she does, she soon finds herself running for her life. No walls, not even the walls of Candlekeep, can protect her. Assassins dog her every step. In order to survive, she must learn to use her magical power, and unite a group of loyal friends. Only with true friendship and a desire for knowledge can she unravel the mysteries of the Sword Coast and her own, dark destiny.
(This story is inspired by the Baldur's Gate CRPG series by Bioware)
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/102126/the-sword-coast
All chapters
>> No. 127569
>>127563
Been a while (read: about ten years, plus) since I've played the first Baldur's Gate. Talk about a blast from the past. Totally gonna claim this now that my classes are over, I'm curious to see how you do with it!

I should be able to take a look... maybe tomorrow, if I'm not getting in the car and driving west until I find something interesting.
>> No. 127589
File 136907758683.png - (484.10KB , 800x600 , 6182 - crossover pun twilight_sparkle winged_twilight morrowind.png )
127589
Title: Winged Twilight

Tags: Adventure, Dark

Synopsis: Twilight comes to realise the true depth of power that the elements give her. Can her friends stop her before all of Equestria is plunged into darkness?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iBs2uQox90rYU3q6Nn-FG_ZH5smxZC6R4Ia8E34SfmY/edit?usp=sharing

Chapters: another short contest entry for http://my-little-stories.deviantart.com/journal/The-Season-4-Contest-360484468 - this one on some 6500 words
>> No. 127604
I would like First do no Harm withdrawn from the pre-reading queue. I've done some extensive editing in my official offline file, restructured it in file organization breaking ways, and other such things with a net result of the original submission post not reflecting the current state of the fic.

Here is the original request location: >>127409
When it is removed from queue, please remove the original request post. I posted with a chan-generated password and I'm fairly sure my privacy settings don't allow passwords to carry over automatically, so I can't exactly do it myself.

One quick question, though: I am going to be releasing my story chapter by chapter on fimfiction fairly soon and am considering an EqD submission. Based on audience reactions, I may find myself wanting the first 2 chapters reviewed here in a week or two. Is it kosher to post a shiny new review request here so soon after requesting the removal of the previous (albeit outdated and non-editable) request?

In either case, let it be noted that the google docs link listed in my original request is now broken by me.

Thank you, upstanding moderatorial staff.
>> No. 127608
>>127604
That's perfectly fine.
>> No. 127618
Tags: Adventure, Human
Synopsis: When Twilight mishandles an artifact she doesn't understand, an immense force pulls her through to another world. There, she finds herself stuck alone and confused in the body of a human woman named Rebecca Williams, with no apparent way to get home.

After the Cutie Mark Crusaders accidentally unleash an ancient evil threatening to wipe out all life in Equestria, Rebecca Williams and Twilight Sparkle must fight the clock to find a way to swap back, as every force in the land convenes together to fight one single foe.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/101809/resonating-souls

Comments/Requests: I'd like a review of the first chapter in particular, though both chapters would certainly be welcomed. As this is the beginning of a much longer work and is also the first work I've done in over a decade, I would love to get solid and constructive feedback. Sadly, I have not been able to get any except from my wife and my editor, and I hope to get the opinions of third parties before I get too deep into the narrative.
>> No. 127622
>>127618
Posted: 5/22
Location: >>127618
Title: Resonating Souls

I'll claim this, see what proofing someone else's stuff is like.
>> No. 127628
>>127618
Posted: 5/22
>>127618
Title: Resonating Souls

See Gdoc url for review:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e5LB1Sj3-OJKWaddHxGgwPfBCG3MAaWRGEU4wz7zCnE/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127636
>>127563
Okay, that took a little longer than a weekend. To hold you over until I check out the Gdocs, here's a general overview with a few examples from the earlier chapters.

I’d say these are your main problems: infodumping, description, and characterization. The first two go hand-in-hand, and I tend to suffer from exposition-itis myself. Nailing character voice and traits is tricky business too, especially in an alternate universe setting. For now, let’s start at the top.

Your prologue is troublesome. The worst offender is your use of present tense; aside from making the reading more difficult, it simply doesn’t work in this context. Present tense gives a sense of immediacy, like the story is happening… well, in the present. Contrast with the reader’s expectation of a written story: it’s something that has happened, rather than is happening. They’re fighting that perspective when they read present tense, which hurts immersion and suspension of disbelief. Worse, though, is using present tense in your prologue, followed by past tense for the rest of the story.

I would highly recommend killing the present tense (think of it as a kobold, nobleman, or kobold nobleman) and tackling the next issue with the prologue: relevance and interest. What does this do for the story? It works in game because it’s audiovisual, visceral, and segues into the logo. Not so much in story, where we must have a reason to care about characters and turn to the next chapter to see what happens to them. Vagueness will suck a reader’s interest faster than stirges on a kitten. You could kill the prologue entirely and the story wouldn’t lose a thing.

Your first three paragraphs of the Candlekeep chapter are a good study for the description and exposition issues throughout the story. They could be cut down to one paragraph. For example:

> Twilight Sparkle lounged comfortably on the floor, cushions shielding her from the cold bite of stone tiles. She buried her nose in a thick tome with a ragged leather binding. Her eyes flicked over the pages, absorbing information with the help of sparse light from a fireplace.

Compressed to:

> Twilight Sparkle lounged on a pair of cushions near the fireplace, her eyes flicking over the pages of a thick, leather-bound tome.

Bang, the scene is set. Repeat with the next two paragraphs and you’ve got a neat, quick intro. Then, separate the ‘horrible creature’ line into a one-sentence paragraph, and it transitions nicely from description to dialogue. It’s all a matter of finding what details the reader must know. If it doesn’t advance the plot or reveal character, sweep it off the table.

The same goes for exposition. The temptation is to give everything to the reader up front so they can understand what's going on, but the reader doesn't need to know everything right away. For example, you have the spell memorization scene in the Ponyville chapter, which is the perfect place to explain the relationship between theory, spells, and general wizardry touched on in the beginning of Candlekeep. Whittle the exposition down to what's needed, then deliver in small, timely doses.

Going through your dialogue, I’m seeing comma trouble, most especially before names at the end of a sentence:

> “We need to leave Candlekeep Twilight. Just for a little while.”
> “You must trust me Twilight…
> Twilight whirled on Pinkie. “I’m not going on an adventure Pinkie!”

Reading it out loud creates a natural pause before the name. Like so:

> Twilight smiled at Pinkie Pie and returned her friend’s hug. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Pinkie.”

You seem to use it more off than on, so keep an eye out.

Later on, what struck me was Twilight’s sudden breakdown as she realized she’s leaving Candlekeep. I’d expect anxiety, heartache at leaving her home, and possibly a need to suddenly sit down and breathe evenly for a few moments. But full-on waterworks this soon? There’s a piece of writing advice out there that says, “If your character cries, your reader doesn’t have to.” Twilight crying here is also incongruous with her reaction to future events. Also,

> one glistening tear ran down the soft fur of her face

Your mileage may vary, but this is a horrible cliché in my book. Kill it!

I am concerned with Twilight’s emotional state. Leaving home has her sobbing, but having her mentor and father figure murdered in front of her has her momentarily despairing, hateful, puking, and then taking a nap, all in about the same amount of words as her breakdown with the Cakes. That's the next thing to watch out for: emotions and their descriptions. Conveying emotion is a tough act, but it's absolutely necessary for establishing character. Describe reactions to events and dive into character thoughts. I'm still struggling with this myself, but there are plenty of writing resources with solid advice on the subject.

For the second chapter, it’s kinda sad to not see the line “I’m sorry that you feel that way, old man.” That’s mostly nostalgia, though; you seem to be taking Stallionvok in a different direction character-wise. Stopping to close Star Swirl’s eyes was a nice touch, and seems to build him as a Noble Demon [tvtropes.org] instead of your typical Lord Evulz von Puppykicker. Also, interesting use of a shield instead of a two-handed sword. I'm really curious to see his motivations.

I get the feeling this is getting a bit long, and I'd like to go into more detail in Gdocs, so I'll wrap it up. You're not that far off from having excellent writing. The grammar issues are fairly minor, so it's just a matter of nailing down the fun little nuances of storytelling. You're taking your own direction instead of just following the Baldur's Gate story, which is awesome. I think the best crossovers go off the rails to give the reader a sense of mystery and suspense. I hope my ramblings help, and if you need any clarifications or examples, I'll focus on those in the line-by-line. Cheers!


Last edited at Sat, May 25th, 2013 23:30

>> No. 127637
Hey everypeoples, it's Timid Wolf again. Some of you might remember my Ponyville Pawn Stars series from several months ago. Well, I'm back with a new fic and I'm hoping I can get someone to review it. Its tentative title is A Helping Hoof, and the best way I'd describe it is like Alien Nation meets My Little Pony (or a reverse "human in Equestria" story). Here's a link to the prologue, please let me know what you think.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IYbKfRk_bPo88z93IhJ3gn0uoZ9SqR2oUkO9sXbO4nU/pub
>> No. 127650
Hello! I would like to submit my newest multichapter for review.

Title: Karoshi

Author: OmegaPony11

Tags: Normal

Synopsis: Karoshi: Death by Overwork

Rarity has come to Manehattan to work with one of the most prestigious fashion designer in Equestria if not the world. Leaving Ponyville for the big city, she finds that the highest echelons of the fashion industry are not just social soirées and niceties, but a rather paranoid and and shady business behind the silk and satin. Rarity worked for her success, but the price may be too costly this time.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pkNQS7wJjQijcELj8gK6VI5RLjIHMSX3iFbbSiiAEKE/edit

Once again, this fic is the result of a challenge. However, unlike the past challenge which became a one-shot, this one would be about six chapters long. It is also a personal challenge for myself, while still making an attempt at an entertaining story. The character list includes Rarity and a mostly OC cast, set in Manehattan, and about the fashion industry, which I know next to nothing about.

In conclusion, should any reviewer decide to pick up this fic, I would be greatly appreciative for any and all feedback. Thank you very much for your time.
>> No. 127654
File 136980290585.jpg - (67.78KB , 256x410 , Come at me brony_spray copy.jpg )
127654
(Picture unrelated)

This is my attempt at an MLP fan fiction. I made it to be as true to canon as possible (with some interpretations of sketchy Equestrian history). I've literally been contemplating on this fic for over 2 years but haven't had the courage/motivation to write/publish it until now. I mainly just want to see if anyone would find a story such as this worth reading and see if what I've written so far merits interest.

Tag: Adventure!
Word count (as of post): approx 2220


Here's the synopsis:
Taking place immediately after the events of Nightmare Moon's banishment to the moon, the capital city of Everfree lays in wait as a battle between the forces of the Queen of the Night and Princess Celestia draws to a close. Meanwhile, the princess herself, aided by her wise and enigmatic court wizard Starswirl the Bearded, undergo a secret endeavor involving the elements of harmony.

Seven years later, the new capital, Canterlot is in mid-construction, but that isn't going to stop the Princess from starting her school for gifted unicorns. One of them, Comet Winterspell, is particularly excited and nervous about his new life in a boarding school away from his home. As long as his loyal sister Snowflake is by his side, he should be fine. It isn't long though until a fire in Trottingham bordering the Everfree Forest launches a magical event of epic proportions, unleashing a power within the young colt even he was unaware of. The Princess takes notice of Comet and takes him under her wing as her pupil.

At one point within the next year, Comet stumbles across a book in the restricted center of the library labeled "The Elements of Harmony." All inquiries about this book are immediately dismissed by his superiors as fantasy and silly rumors. The colt however, remains convinced that there is a hint of truth to this story. 12 years later a tragedy hits all of Equestria: the moon refuses to rise. Riots break out and rebellion begins to stir as angry citizens accuse Celestia of purposefully holding it back. Meanwhile, a mysterious individual known only as Umbra begins to gain political foothold in both the ranks of the Loyalists and Rebels alike.

Comet takes this opportunity to seek out the answers he wants about the Elements of Harmony and sets off on a journey that will take him all across Equestria and introduce him to new friends and foes alike.

Finally the link to the actual fic: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hYJou_TwklLmmorR6-A1D1wwh7TJ5a9CnV92cOpKjx0/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 127655
Title: A Stroll in the Park
Author: Ignis Latinicus
Tags: [Adventure][Comedy]

Synopsis: Wild Spirit and Byron, two stallions with too many dreams and not enough
brains, set off towards the unknown wilds beyond Equestria in the ultimate
quest for glory, fame and the odd mountain of gold.
And, in the true spirit of adventure, they fail spectacularly every step of
the way. How are they still going on? Maybe stubbornness, maybe
perseverance, maybe that wild sense of greatness we all wish we could feel.
But mostly stubbornness.
And blind luck.

Linkity-link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B3pP2FK02wPxWmVWNHA5VVdaODA/edit

Greetings!

A couple of months ago I started working on my first MLP fanfic (or, at least, the first one I actually ended up finishing), and, after some tribulation and several close encounters with walls, ended up producing some 6900 words on the most aimless journey I could ever think of.

Following some proofreading and some more encounters with hard, vertical surfaces, the fic was sent over to Equestria Daily. Now, not wanting to let a single detail go to waste, the pre-reader's reply was the following:

"Response:

I cannot recommend this for posting.

Look for issues in the following areas:

Hyphen/dash confusion
Dialogue punctuation
Comma splices
Inconsistent paragraph spacing
Quotation mark use
Tense usage
Missing end-of-sentence punctuation (i.e. periods)
Awkward phrasing and word misuse

While I dislike how often phrases like "the unicorn" are used and how frequently an ellipsis is used in place of actual description, I found myself loving the style this is written in. It's sort of like a script, and it smacks of Waiting for Godot in its humor and aimlessness. This was a very enjoyable read, so I would encourage you to proofread this a bit and send it back to us!

This is the story's first strike out of a possible three."

After this response, me and the pre-reader exchanged a couple more emails regarding the text, with him/her (not really sure) eventually pointing me towards Ponychan.

I already reviewed the text after the pre-reader's original response, altering a few things I believed were... lacking. However, I do have to note that, English not being my native language, dialogue punctuation is a long standing flaw in my writing (just thought I'd give fair warning).

This is the first chapter of what I hope to be something bigger, so any kind of feedback (constructive, at least) would be appreciated and well received.

Respectfully,

- Ignis
>> No. 127658
>>127530
Heyo. It's gettin' close to three weeks now, just wondering what's going on? Have you done the review yet? Or have you just been pretty busy lately?

It's all cool, just wanting a bit of an update. I'm not in a huge rush or anything, so if you still want to do it I'm good with that. Or if you are pretty busy I won't mind if you pass it on to someone else. Either way, a brief update would be most appreciated. Thanks! TTFN
>> No. 127662
>>127628
Thanks a bunch for the commentary. You've given me a lot to work on, and I'll look into some revisions.

Last edited at Wed, May 29th, 2013 18:09

>> No. 127665
File 136988352742.jpg - (12.62KB , 206x245 , mfwponies.jpg )
127665
>>127650
Seeing as the training grounds is in need of some help I decided to leave retirement from reviewing and pick up a story to help out. Yours has a premise I can dig. Give your google docs access to us and maybe I'll actually review it. (AKA fix your google docs settings to give strangers access NOAW)
>> No. 127666
>>127665

Woops. I knew I forgot something. This has been remedied. I am terribly sorry.
>> No. 127669
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>>127666
Very good. I have already begun my scrutiny of your fic but if you could give me a time to meet in fic to talk that would be great. It tends to help better than just dropping comments of lol dis wat u did rong bitch!
>> No. 127675
Title: Pony Grand Tour
Author: Hoof of Approval
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure][Slice of Life]
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/103054/pony-grand-tour

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash, in an attempt to prove herself worthy of joining the Wonderbolts, enters the Pegasus Grand Prix. And who better to be her crew than her best friends? But will friendship alone be enough to win it all?

Comments: This's my first story in this fandom. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous as hell. I can write for shows or games long since ended just fine, but something like this, that's constantly evolving? Gonna need some serious assistance. Anyone free for a review, I will take. Doesn't matter who it is... but I'd prefer someone with a specialization in Characterization, since I already have an editor working on readability and technical errors.
>> No. 127676
I have the above story posted twice on the queue. The first one was placed there on the 18th, and I need it taken out in favor of the new one, thank you.
>> No. 127677
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127677
>>127516

While it is a very late reply to your comment, I wasn't sure if anyone would even look at my story at all. Personally, I don't have anyone to proof my work anymore as well, so I'm hoping my own edits hold up (if you're even looking at the darn thing anymore). If not, I suppose I'll be waiting for a while longer.
>> No. 127685
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127685
>>127669
Okay for chat went far in addressing your problems so I'm not gonna rehash all of them. Just remember to make sure your grammar is impeccable and Show instead of tell. Add some better character consistency and bam instant classic. If there are any problems feel free to contact me through the email above.
>> No. 127690
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127690
Title: Yes means yes.
Tags: Romance
Characters: Spike and Rarity
Synopsis: Rarity does not know how to handle relationships, and Spike mans up.
Count: 2800 words
I am Reducted, I am the author.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-WOwMIZj2VfS1ZvVjRqa1NNS0k/edit?usp=sharing

complete.

I think you might enjoy it. By the way, I somehow kept it safe for work.
>> No. 127692
Your Little Butterfly
Author:Mickey dubs
>>127259
I have not been published on EQD, but I am interested in reviewing your story anyway. Looks like it might take a few days.
>> No. 127694
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127694
I think that it should be called Twitterpation, but that is already set in stone by the looks of it.

Your Little Butterfly by Mickey Dubs

My general rules specific to you, MickeyDubs

1. Try to avoid using an additional “had” in your past tense sentences. They often make a lot of sense, and most of them can be left. But see if you can have the sentence make sense while keeping in the simple past tense. This will make your writing easier to read and less profound.
2. In paragraph, unless someone is speaking do not use abbreviations such as don't and she'd.
3. COMEDY is phonetically funny. Multisyllabic words are funny. Words that end with Y are funny. Words that use the “kuh” consonant are generally very funny.
4. An in-canon character does not need much fleshing out. They are canon, people know them. Keep that in mind if you are thinking about condensing your story at all.
5. When you have a character who is already in the past tense, making them reminisce is difficult for your reader to follow. If a character is looking into their past, it may be better to have them tell the story to somebody who is not involved, or the event should have happened within the text of the story.
6. I am tired of telling you to use fewer words. That is evidently part of your style, but it may be holding you back.
7. Be affirmative. What does your audience really know that the characters need answering? These are people you are puppeteering. They think that they are right. That's cognitive bias for you.

OUR THOUGHTS WHILE READING:

In regards to your synopsis on fimfiction:

Make it short enough so that no one has to expand the description to read it all. With that in mind, I actually like your synopsis. It is very dramatic without coming off as particularly cheesy. However, that big paragraph there, where you use the word “will” is past the line of melodrama. Perhaps shorten it to my favorite parts:

Fluttershy has always been a timid pony. It was a truth long accepted until the day she met her one and only love: that stallion who cared for her, protected her, and sheltered her from any harm... a stallion as quiet and as shy as she was. In his embrace she grew, learned, laughed, and loved. She reached out further into the world than she ever had before, and with his support she became that mare she always dreamed she could be.
Now, at the end of everything, does she understand how it all went wrong.

Critique: Don't tell the reader what will happen so blatantly. Why would they read it?

Your sentence flow is good, and the synopsis made me feel emotions. Good job.

In regards to chapter 1
-You have some really good imagery there. I would tell you to shorten it if it was not Fluttershy's requiem.
-Have you noticed at all that you repeat words a lot. I read it as prose, some may read it as padding, or ennui. For instance, ctrl+f “just”

>“As the day progressed Fluttershy had watched the world slowly grow”
-Destroy “had”, it changes the tense and it makes it that much harder to read. Actually, I am going to make this a general rule.

>She'd played with and spoken to the various pikas and marmots who lived on the rocky field where she'd eaten her lunch, and had lazed in the sun on one more glorious day in Equestria.
-If no one is speaking, “she'd” should be extended into “she had”. I know what I just said about the word “had”. I know I am being difficult. However these are different grammatical errors.
-This specific sentence^ is a run-on sentence. You normally keep your sentences right at the readable level, but in this case you crammed at least five ideas into the sentence. That's too many for this specific case. Break it up.

>She had had time to think about her decision, and the more she re-examined its validity the happier she became. He had given her that confidence, and now she would do him proud by using it.
-These two sentences are probably unnecessary. If they do not confuse the reader, they bore them.

>But now?
-This is an open ended question. You should not do these. However, looking into the next few lines I can see why you might wish to keep it. It is a beautiful piece of structure.

>I had to google twitterpation

In regards to how you are handling Big Mac so far, don't you think that he is being a bit exaggerated? First of all, I book him as the sensitive and honest type. I think that in terms of rambling, he can have a lot more creative dialogue than “She’s going to do it, Twilight! I can’t let her do it! You need to help me find her before it’s too late!!!” I mean, who exactly uses three exclamation marks in any professional piece of writing? Imagine a Big Mac out of breath, and exhausted, talking to Twilight. He could simply say, “She left me this.” and start crying to the point where it interrupts himself. His manic attack is not necessarily out of character, but do you remember Pinkie shouting at the sky “NOOOOO” in Games Ponies Play? It feels like a parody. And I don't know if you have ever met a suicidal person and their significant other, but they are embarassed by it. They find themselves lost for words because they cannot bear to say them. In this way, your BigMac is accurate in not actually providing useful information. But his repeated generic ramblings are cliche, outdated, and uninnovative. I actually despise the whole scene until Rarity reads the last page. Maybe that's because I like Rarity...

Damn you use big words. Cacophonus. It is intimidating, you know that right? It scares people off and they start to lose grasp of the subject material. Keep all those words, by all means. Just remember that COMEDY is phonetically funny. Multisyllabic words are funny. Words that end with Y are funny. Words that use the “kuh” consonant are generally very funny. I encourage you to keep them if they are a part of your style.

>She died.
>The whimsical adultress swooned off a balcony into the streets of Kentucky.

My overall opinion of the first chapter: Good, but needs streamlining towards the end.
>> No. 127695
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127695
I'm going to try and squeeze in two chapters this time.

In regards to Chapter 2
-Right off the bat I had a bit of setting confusion. I thought that Fluttershy had been at her cottage, but she was in an alleyway the whole time and was reminiscing? All after a chapter where she died. This calls for an inception reference. Anyway, I like having her die in the first chapter and then going back to her first times in Ponyville. My only problem is the jump to the alleyway. You told us she was in an alleyway instead of showing us. It was disorienting.

>That cyan weather-mare was in total control, and her bearing demanded their respect.
-This would be telling the reader rather than showing. In this case you are telling the reader two things that they already inferred 1. That Rainbow Dash is a color 2. That she is in control. Earlier in the same paragraph you made this quite clear. You can choose to delete the above sentence. Sorry for what that does to your next sentence. But if you want to include more about how RDs team respects her, you could have Fluttershy think about RD from an envious standpoint. “Oh how she wished that she garnered respect and admiration like RD. Just, not too much. She was unsure about handling all of that attention.” No, don't use my version of that sentence, it is obviously balls.

>As if by some heavenly design the alleyway in which she'd hidden away suddenly illuminated as the patch of cloud above her was pushed away. Marveling at what serendipitous forces had given her those last few pieces of her courage, Fluttershy gave herself the brightest of grins as a beam of sunlight laid out a glittering road of warmth for her to follow. In just a few moments her will had turned a sharp about-face, and now her confidence was just as bright as that luminous yellow strip which would herald her arrival into this new society.
-This is what I consider to be too much imagery in the wrong place in the story. I can understand painting the whole picture from the perspective of a mountain top, but this is a shit ton of imagery for an alleyway that is of little importance to the story.

>Finding that her conscience was still intact,
-I don't know what my understanding of her conscience has to do with it. Maybe you were going for consciousness, which would make more sense, but I would still try to remove it for the sake of the story.
-Btw it took all of nine paragraphs for her to leave that alleyway.
-Concession: I may be harping too much on this. You are not neglecting any details, and the main problem is the jarring realization that she was in an alleyway this whole time. I also think that it is alright to take nine paragraphs for her to get out of an alleyway, if her thoughts are worthwhile.

-Try: The Farmer's Market was bustling with activity, she... (this would be a stylistic choice. I am suggesting this style because sometimes the reader likes to get right into it.)
-Ok, so Fluttershy is in the FM when she reminisces practicing a facial expression in the mirror at home. You had a paragraph already dealing with what she had going on at home. The story will be more consistent if you start there. Also, practicing faces in front of a mirror is a good hook for readers.

>lingering thought 
>It was full of pride
-Specify the subjects (the thought, and it) because I, personally am lost.

>using the limb as a support. 
-It is fine to destroy this clause. We all know what happens when she takes his hoof.

Other than all of that, I like this chapter more than the first. It really pulled me in. Your transition from Fluttershy to Big Mac was well done too. Seriously, if I ignore the in-reminiscing time travel, this is a solid A- for cliches.

>My opinion of Chapter 2 is as follows: Good, with plot consistency infractions.

In regards to Chapter 3

I am unsure about the use of your...: elipses and colons. They are grammatically correct. I am just unsure of them. Do not remove them hastily, but think about them. Meditate on them. If it is not too much trouble, perhaps find a way of avoiding them.

>He emitted an almost silent grunt as he adjusted to the new-found pain, and the mare before him cradled herself into a warm submission with that wonderful revelation. 
-The paragraph before this one did more than mention that Big Mac was in pain. Consider destroying the underlined part.
Also, the revelation was in the last paragraph AND it was separated by a clause with Big Mac as a subject. This one isn't obvious, but it jolts the reader back and forth unnecessarily. I have trouble with this too, which is why I point it out. Maybe describe the revelation as wonderful in the beginning of the paragraph. Follow through with the clause about Fluttershy. Then the clause for Big Mac. All in all that should make the ideas that you are trying to convey much easier.
-Other than that, Fluttershy's section is beautiful. Absolutely a treat.

>shared with one another but the profound sense of ease they had found with one another. 
-One anotherx2 consider revising

And past that, I can't find anything that disagrees with me. I want to make a note, I AM BEING PULLED ALONG WITH AND WONDROUSLY INTO THE STORY. Well done.

My opinion of Chapter 3: This is the best chapter so far. The mistakes made were of the subtlest kind. I find myself wanting to know more about their blossoming relationship. I also am anxious for Big Mac to hurry and get to that mountain. I can choose to ignore that he did not send Rainbow Dash. It is not a major plot hole by any means. #Serious. Solid freaking A!

I mean, Excellent! The transition through Fluttershy and Big Mac was a little loose.
>> No. 127696
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In regards to Chapter 4: In other words, this is my halfway point.

-Cheesy indeed
-In the contentment paragraph, you are asking a lot of questions. Then in the next paragraph. Then you worked her contact with Big Mac in. It's nicely executed. But imagine if I were to execute vomit nicely. “Wow Reducted, you really got some distance there. And you didn't hit anything or anyone important. Heck it will be easy to clean even.” It's still vomit. Don't ask questions if you value your writing.
-More questions
-But damn this is good. I think you were learning as you were writing sir.
B+ for confusion with what Fluttershy was doing with his hoof. B+ for heavy cliches. B+ because I liked the ending. B+ because I felt like it.

In regards to Chapter 5

-I swear it is getting harder and harder to find errors here

>"Oh, so you think you know me know, hmm?"
-I believe that second know is supposed to be now.

-That paragraph “What life there was to be had” was going so well until you asked a question. Not only did you ask a question, that was a very oversaturated sentence, even with the colon. Revise.

>This was Fluttershy. This is what she was meant to be!

-Right, so underlining is well and good. Just remember that professional tend to not do that. Same with the bold in the earlier chapters. The italics are still good where they are.

>Stop asking questions. Answer them with the affirmation of a story ending.

>“I already have one”
Let me put this into context. I did not smile once on my birthday. Every smile I give at family gatherings is done out of courtesy. I find it hard to smile for a camera. I chose to find evil in the enjoyment I shared with my girlfriend. I have no real satisfaction from my games. On /chat/ I am infamous in ways. Which is to say that everyone ignores a grump like me.
That line made me smile.
I like that they never said love. Love is such an empty word, you know what I am saying.

-Ok, seriously fix those questions. They make the whole scene stupid. “She had felt the same once, looking to him for guidance and support... He suspected that those times were behind him.

>But this time: there were no fears, no hesitations, no need for either pony to apologize for their expressions of love and intimacy. There would be no need to hide themselves from each other now that they had seen the other behind their timid veils and had reached out to finally come together.
-This bugs me. I don't think a colon is even grammatically correct there. Use a comma.
-That is what I would tell you, but the paragraph does not need to be there. This is the time where you let the reader bask in good feels. You don't need to sledgehammer your audience if they are feeling like butterflies.

>They couldn't fail him now, now that he was so close! Their strength couldn't leave him, now that that faraway hill on which they'd come alive was finally in view!
-These two clauses mean the same thing. Destroy one of them. Choose.

In regards to chapter 5, I absolutely loved the lead up. Seriously, if it weren't for all those damn questions I would ignore the colon and excess dialogue just to give you an A+

My opinion: Very good with subtle errors.

Chapter flipping six. I will do this in one night! So yeah, in regards...

>But then, with his patience, her courage, his acceptance of her limitations, and her adoption of his qualities: her fear had receded. It had relinquished its hold and died away!
-Allow me to introduce you to the semi-colon. A semi-colon goes there. ...qualites; her fear...

>(She reprimanded herself for being so foolish....)
-Come one, it is easy! Stop asking questions. Answer them before the reader can ask them. It is the readers job to ask questions and if they are not answered he or she experiences the joy of thinking of them themselves and sharing their thoughts with you and their peers. It is my job to call you a shit head for ruining your own literature. Pardon me, I'm going to sit in the corner now.

-This is the chapter you were destined to write, wasn't it? I saw you ramp up the imagery and I could not help but cheer for you. This was precisely the time for such profundity.

-I almost started bawling, but so far I have only had watery eyes. Take this as a compliment. People are crying.

I wish it was not about her suicide anymore. F for fuck killing Fluttershy.
A+ you brilliant motherfucker.

In regards to Chapter 7

-I am trying to be a critic here, but I can't see anything wrong. It might be because I am almost letting out actual tears. So thanks for that. I swear I am never doing a sad story again, unless it is like, really bad. Don't know why I would review it then.

-So Twilight started her eulogy, and I realized. Shit now they are all going to give heart felt speeches and either mac or RD will give the last worst one of all. Then butterflies are going to show up and I am going to cry.

>Here we go.
-Yep, crying now. I need to keep taking breaks.
-I got to Closing her eyes for a moment when I decided to get a roll of tp from the bathroom. I hope I don't use the whole roll. Onwards.

-Ok, so I wailed once. And now I'm gasping for breath.

Now, I am Melancholy.

Beautiful ending btw. Freaking loved it. I mean, the characters were all so incredibly organic. It is rare that I read a sentence in that characters voice. But Twilight sounded like Twilight. Pinkie, Pinkie. Etc.
Also, I did not miss a few startling implications.
1. Pinkie Pie is now eagerly awaiting the party called death.
2. Rainbow Dash is emotionally destroyed. I wonder if she's going to develop a severe disorder.
3. The Cutie Mark Crusaders killed Fluttershy. Ya, I went there.
Even if I could find anything to change in this chapter (I think I did, I quite forget. Check above.) I would not ask you to change it because I promise you that it is exceptionally difficult to make me cry.


Imagine if you hadn't butchered your story with those first two bloody chapters. Seriously, revise the shit out of the entire first half of your...

I mean, please heed my advice on the first half of your story.

Thank you very much. This has been my pleasure.
>> No. 127698
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127698
Hey wanna review somfin that is comparable to a turd. "Oh Boy!" you exclaim, "How did you know?!" I'm psychic of course but that's besides the point. The real point is you have the opportunity to take advantage of my insecurities as a writer and tell me how shit my latest abomination is. Enjoy

Title: Symbiosis
Tags: SoL and Sad
Characters: Roseluck
Word Count: Approx 2500
Description: A tragic accident leaves a young filly dying in the Everfree Forest, but the intervention of Everfree magic saves her and an unlikely companion. However a fortunate intervention does not come without a price, as Roseluck is about to learn...
Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kUYqmyQ5ITKDBOwyhwQhPISla9zviAprEn2PIj5XT_I/edit
(or if you are really messed up in the head) http://www.fimfiction.net/story/91402/symbiosis

Last edited at Sun, Jun 2nd, 2013 21:07

>> No. 127699
>>127698
>Her eyes darted around the surrounding landscape
You may find it easier to just say "surroundings" or better yet, give us a clue as to what the landscape is. "Her eyes darted from the cliffs to the trees."

Videos are not canon, to call it a film would be more accurate and plausible.

> she said, taking an exasperated breath and, flopping back into her chair.
the comma goes before ">>127698
and".

I skipped ahead a while. I was really too tired to even read this, but I did. I actually like your plot and character developement. But your grammar still needs a lot of work. A lot of work.

Keep practicing, I might give you a proper review one day.
>> No. 127702
>>127637

In case anyone is interested, I now have the first 1.5 parts of my fic unpublished on Fimfiction.net w/an unpublished view password. I will provide it to whoever wants to review it. Also, I've renamed it from A Helping Hoof to Pony Nation, and updated the story description:

Two years ago Dr. Lorenzo Faust, a renowned American physicist, discovered a way to travel to alternate dimensions and stumbled upon the land of Equestria during his research. Within the span of a year two facilities were constructed - one on Earth and one in Equestria - to establish a bridge between the two worlds and allow the inhabitants to cross over into each others lands. Princess Twilight Sparkle is charged by Princess Celestia to serve as the Equestrian ambassador as well as judicial liaison on Earth. She asks her friends to come with her to help accomplish their greatest task: to save Planet Earth, starting with the American people. But can a world plagued with millions of sick and distressed animals, savage new weather patterns, and severe shortages of clothing, food and happiness be saved by six ponies?

http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=category&user=40701

Last edited at Mon, Jun 3rd, 2013 13:49

>> No. 127706
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127706
>>127699
Well thank you for bestowing your exhausted eyes on my piece of trite. Oddly Enough the fimfiction version had fixed the comma issue before and I changed video to film. I wish you had been more specific to be honest. Telling me my grammar sucks is like telling a blind man he sucks at navigating an obstacle course; well intentioned, but providing no useful information in regards on how to fix the problem. I miss my editor... (RIP Seidio 2012-2012)
>> No. 127708
>>127706
I am actually unsure what problems I had. The general opinion is that I like it though. I'll try harder.
>> No. 127715
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>>127589

Thank you, anonymous stranger, for the comments you dropped in my google doc. I feel like I am missing out on an actual review here and the comments amounted to about five, but I'll take every little thing.
>> No. 127723
>>127715
Winged Twilight by JCBorsch

Upon reading the newest draft of this story I am shocked by the plot, and themes. As it is tagged, the story is very dark, and is set in a believably "Twilight Zone" location. I felt myself longing to know more about the grey world that they found themselves in, but also appreciate being allowed to let my imagination roam free through the setting. The story focused on Rainbow Dash with complete prejudice, in my opinion. With no lead up she ascended to leadership of the team, making the mane 6 appear as batteries. This seems a bit wrong, especially when Twilight herself tells everyone to use their element. Rainbow Dash is given a chance to enforce her loyalty, Fluttershy's kindness is mentioned. But there was not a word in Honesty, Laughter, Magic or Generosity. As the plot went on and Rainbow Dash and her team defeated the nightmares, there was never any challenge to it. They chose a strategy from the get-go that worked just as easily with two elements as it did with five. And in the end it appeared that Twilight was just as weak as Derpy and Sweetie Drops, whom I had to consult the wiki for. Applejack was not even given the decency to have her struggle described before she had her ass handed to her. That did not sit well with me. In the end, I liked Twilight as a ghost. I felt that in the scope of the story that this was the most organic event to transpire. And though I felt her fury, I neglected to be drawn into Celestia's grief. I was also surprised by the Battery 4's apparent apathy to death. The french was just sort of thrown in there, and in a similar fashion, the final prose did not mesh with any prior writing in the story.

5/10 Because I liked the setting, Twilight's spectral appearance, the grammar was ok, spelling near impeccable, and that you listened to your proofreader.


Last edited at Tue, Jun 4th, 2013 23:58

>> No. 127724
>>127706
Alright. I am embarassed about last time. I shouldn't have tried to do another review that late in my day. I will try harder now.

>Her eyes darted around the surrounding landscape
You may find it easier to just say "surroundings" or better yet, give us a clue as to what the landscape is. "Her eyes darted from the cliffs to the trees."


>A deep male voice boomed throughout the room.
“This program has been brought to you by the Canterlot Herbology Association, the Manehattan Ecology Fund, and viewers like you. Thank you,” said the deep male voice before a soft female one took its place.
You said "deep male voice" twice in close proximity. This is awkward to read. Perhaps replace the repeated clause with "...said the first voice..."

Idle commentary:
I would like to say here that I like how you are inspiring your protagonist to take action. It is very believable, and cute. I am not sure if you need to put the timberwolf scene in at the beginning in order to hook the reader, but I see how it is working for you.

>“Under royal decree expeditions are sent out regularly however as of this recording only these three specimens have been found so far and brought to the Canterlot Gardens alive so far.
You used "so far" twice in close proximity. Delete the second use at least.

>Roseluck froze slowly turning around to face the interloper.
In the same sentence Roseluck has both frozen and begun a movement. This renders the word "frozen" useless. You can separate the two clauses with the prep. "then"
"Roseluck froze, then slowly turned around"
or
"Roseluck turned around slowly."

>The timberwolf quickly pulled itself from the ground letting a snarling before chasing the trail of crimson into the forest.
>letting a snarling
I don't know what you have to do, but break up the sentence into two, and fix this.

Also, while she is bleeding out, you may want to flex your skills as a writer by including some symptoms of anemia. Oh, nevermind, you did that in the next section. I'll just pretend this never happened.

>Her vision was almost completely black when she lost consciousness the last thing she saw being the dying petals of the last Everfree Rose...
This is a run on sentence. Try "Her vision was almost completely black. But when she lost consciousness, the last thing that she saw was the dying petals of the Everfree Rose"
Prepositions are your friend, use them more often.

Actually, since I have nothing else to complain about, my rule to you is to use more prepositions. They will help you.

Now, for my opinion.

As I said before, the lead up and motive for Roseluck to go on her quest was believeable, enjoyable, and quite novel. In fact, the entire story stayed within the realms of canon logic. Not only that, you gave Roseluck a wonderful ambitious character. You have a lot going for you and I see why you already have so much praise in the fimfiction comments. Again though, your lack of prepositions and your occasional close repetition really docked some points with me. Sometimes your word choice and sentence flow leave a lot to be desired, but that all comes down to practice.

Thumbs up.
>> No. 127725
I'm testing out a quicker review style, which is why this is asterisked. We'll see how this goes.


I definitely like the machinery you've created here. Having "channels" for magic is a clever idea that helps explain some of the character differences. I can see that you've put a lot of thought into it, and I look forward to seeing how much more you develop it. However, this mechanism cannot carry a story on its own, so let's look at the story itself.


Right now, your story revolves around a prophecy that is being revealed as each predicted event occurs. This prophecy and the fact that it predicts a major sympathetic character will cause some great destruction is the main conflict in the story. The focus of the story is the event sequence as each part of the prophecy comes true.


First off, I would recommend restructuring your overall story arc and giving the entire prophecy right away, either as an introductory description or something one of the characters in the initial meeting recites right away. This would act as a strong hook and give the reader something to look forward to. As the story is written now, the prophecy seems like something that the author is making up last minute to fit with events. This may actually be true, but it is not something you want your readers to feel. By writing down the prophecy at the beginning, your readers can anticipate what is going to happen and will be satisfied when their prediction comes true and pleasantly surprised if you throw a (justified) twist. It would also help you out by giving you an overall roadmap for the entire story.

Another thing that stating the prophecy would help with is giving the readers some tension and doubt over whether Sweetie Belle is actually this "Sweetest Belle." As the story is written now, we see one line of the prophecy, which is either a summary of recent events or is a summary of events immediately following. This structure leaves no room for any doubt about what will happen. The reader knows that each chapter will address one line of the prophecy and since the reader doesn't know anything about the prophecy, you can't throw in any red herrings or clues that suggest that Sweetie Belle isn't the Sweetest Belle.

Finally, it might help give the reader some grasp over the consequences of this prophecy. The story only states some vague notion that the world will be destroyed. This is honestly over-used, and is more likely to inspire apathy than interest. However, more specifics would help give the reader some sense of the situation.


Your pacing is ridiculously fast. You jump right into the story and each chapter addresses exactly one line of the prophecy, without room for character development or dissolution of tension. It is not a bad thing to jump in with a tense scene to hook the reader, but you want a gradual build.

The pacing within the story seems too quick as well. From the very beginning of the story to the point that you have posted now Sweetie Belle waking up in the hospital is at most a day and a half in universe. During this time, Sweetie Belle is supposed to have gotten in touch with her magic enough to become a powerful magic user, done something with Zecora that makes the prophecy irreversible, and somehow caused a horrific magical creature to attack Applebloom. You've also limited yourself to three days more for the story, by making Celestia come at this time. This is a ton of stuff that is supposed to happen in a very short time and it leaves no time for in story growth.


I'm not sure I buy the character actions. First, I have to ask why you picked Sweetie Belle as the character in the prophecy. In particular, what about her character makes her work in the role where no other character, including OCs, would fit? This is my general test for whether a story is actually drawing from the existing canon or just forcing the characters into an unrelated story.

Next, I don't really agree with everypony besides Rarity just going along with the prophecy and being willing to murder a filly who is a good friend just because the prophecy suggests it. Wouldn't they at least start by trying to deflect the prophecy with other methods first, and only resort to murder as a last resort? Or question the validity of the prophecy? Or wait for Sweetie Belle to start exhibiting some signs? I believe you try to handwave this away by implying the Princesses have some method of scrying, but showing this development could give more depth to the characters and help with the pacing, as well as making the situation believable.

Giving the prophecy upfront would help with this. As the events of the prophecy unfold, we would see more and more justification for the characters' concern and assuredness and you could show each character gradually coming around to believe. This would carry much more potency than the Princesses' vague assurances that aren't backed up by any evidence. Related to this, giving the prophecy upfront would let you use the very fun mechanic that is making the characters' actions to try to prevent the prophecy indirectly causing the prophecy to happen.

Finally, I agree with Sweetie Belle when she asks Zecora how she knows exactly what is going on, particularly with regards to what Twilight and her friends have planned.


Be careful about having dialogue from one character immediately followed by a description about another. It distracts from who is actually speaking and can cause some confusion. Breaking it up into separate paragraphs is fine.


Mechanically, your story is relatively clean. I wasn't particularly reading for mistakes, but they didn't distract from reading, which is most of what you are going for.

Here are the ones I found when I looked a little closer.
>Rarity didn’t move and her face still hidden behind her hair
Tense error.

>this indeed is true,”
Sentence should end with a full stop.

>did, “Nooo,
Comma without an attribution.

>different from Applejacks.
Missing possessive apostrophe.

>Sweetest Belle, First
Capitalisation error.

>a plan; she walked
Improper semicolon.

>comin' back”
Missing full stop.

>No worries Apple Bloom
Need vocative comma.

>“Apple bloom!”
Capitalisation error.

>“Apple Bloom wake up!”
Missing vocative comma.

>“Aaahow” she
Missing comma.

>in here Twilight
Missing vocative comma.

>where a Zebra turned
>This Zebra knew
No need to capitalise a member of a species. You wouldn't capitalise pony or unicorn.

>Stirring her tea she sipped
>After a moment her body
Missing commas.

>“Apple boom,”
Capitalisation error. It's a half-awake slur, but it is still a proper name.

>Sweetie belle watched
Capitalisation error.


Enough with the overall suggestions, I'll mention a few other things.


Try to keep your narrative voice and descriptions consistent. Changing style abruptly breaks immersion and often seems comical to the reader, which is not what you want in a serious, dark piece. The most egregious one I noticed was the paragraph with the detailed descriptions of the mane six reacting to the grave news, followed by a casual mention that the princesses happen to be in the room.


You make a point of having Sweetie Belle agree to the spa trip in Canterlot, but don't follow through. This may have something to do with pacing as time may not have progressed enough to reach that point, but careful about emphasising things that don't have any effect.


Sweetie's and the narrator's rhyming is both odd and quite distracting. I realise this is intentional, but I don't exactly see the point of including it and it really obscures who is supposed to be talking, to the point where I had to stop and reread in order to understand that it was actually Sweetie Belle talking and not a mistake. Breaking the reader out of the story is never a good thing as it kills their engagement and makes it very easy for them to close the story and never come back. And as you mentioned before, the rhyming obscures the meaning and makes it more difficult for the reader to understand what is going on. This is never a positive characteristic for the narrator. The rhymes also don't convey exactly the meaning you are going for and so you lose some credibility from that.


I'm not really sure why Sweetie Belle would avoid putting Applebloom on her back and carry her, yet would trust her untested, unpractised magic to levitate her and keep her from injury. Perhaps if she had been practising for a few weeks and had a lot of confidence about her abilities, this would make more sense.


>She could feel her guilt over this entire situation
It's not clear what Applejack has to feel guilty about.


The mechanic that lets Twilight answer some questions but doesn't let her answer others seems kind of shallow and unrealistic. There's not really any reason for this type of thing to be there in a real spell and it seems like it's not a well-defined effect that would make sense for a magic spell. In fact, you mention that the effect itself is convoluted in the story. It's the type of thing that seems like it is there because the author couldn't figure out a way that answering questions wouldn't ruin the story and so used their Hand-of-God to make it so that magically wouldn't happen. Again, releasing the entire prophecy upfront would help, since the reader wouldn't wonder about the same questions that Sweetie Belle is asking and so wouldn't need those addressed. In fact, if you can write the prophecy to be a bit more vague and metaphorical, you can have Sweetie Belle entirely aware of the prophecy without giving everything away.


I tried to keep this review brief as opposed to what I normally do, so some things may not have as much explanation as I normally put in. So if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense, please ask questions. Also, remember that my advice is only my opinion and is more designed to make you think about things rather than objective truth. While my ideas may represent an improvement, it is likely that a compromise that takes my ideas into account, but comes wholly from you will be best for the story.


Finally, never give up on writing. My advice is only intended to steer you in the right direction and shore up some places where I believe the story is currently lacking. The best way to improve is to keep writing.
>> No. 127726
Asterisked for same reason as previous post. If someone wants to review my review, they really only need to look at one or the other.

My internet access has been spotty, so I've had to rely on locally downloaded .txt files. Since your story was from gDocs, I'm not going to be able to run an accurate mechanical review due to possible formatting problems. I think you have some missing commas, but I can't be sure. If you would like me to look for mechanics problems, let me know and I can make some time to work with a better internet connection.


First off, let me say that I find this idea absolutely fascinating. Everyone has different perspectives about death and react differently to when someone dies. Even someone that they aren't necessarily close to. Exploring these reactions will allow for fascinating interplay, and you can draw off of different coping strategies to advance the story.

I think your story is off to a good start and because this is such a novel idea, I don't have as many suggestions for fitting with a plot, so most of my review will be analysis about what is going on and ideas about how I might take things.

I'm definitely looking forward to seeing Applebloom's reaction and how Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo resolve their conflict. I don't know your headcanon, but a lot of people believe that Applebloom has already experienced death with her parents, so that puts her in a perfect position to be the level-headed moderator and help draw down the conflict between Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. I agree with your decisions that Scootaloo would be the least affected, while Sweetie Belle might be particularly sensitive.

I also like what you've done with the scene replay, showing Sweetie Belle's strong reaction initially and then showing how her mental state developed and why that reaction fit with what was going on. That's an effective technique that draws the reader into asking the question, then leading them to the answer, all the while keeping them very engaged.


A few suggestions.


Scootaloo is incredibly aware of the situation with her family, including how unusual her family situation is compared to other ponies. There's not anything that suggests that the CMC should be older, so we can assume they are still fillies and are probably between eight and twelve years old in maturity. That is still very young for a pony to be aware that her mother is a prostitute, her family barely has enough money, and that this situation is extremely unusual. She may be old enough to put some pieces together, especially if her family is as indiscreet as they seem to be, and she might learn about other families from hanging out with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, but it is still very strange that she would already decide her actions based on economic factors or pass a moral judgement against her parents. Keep in mind that this is what she has grown up with, so it will seem very familiar and it is likely that unless she spends a ton of time with other families, that she wouldn't consider her home life abnormal until she moves out.

I understand that you want to convey her poverty and difficult home life, but that shouldn't be difficult using more innocent references, like the favourite crack in the ceiling or having some game be the reason for the plain snack rather than financial concerns. You can have her aware that her family is struggling and isn't the greatest, but I would recommend toning down her level of awareness and making her more comfortable with, or at least less hostile to, her parents.

Related to this, Scootaloo seems actively angry with her parents, especially her mother, to the point where it doesn't seem like this is just a grudge over how they've treated her. I understand that this may be intentional, as you may want Diamond Tiara's death to stir up these feelings in Scootaloo. However, the interactions with her parents beforehand suggest that this is business as normal for Scootaloo, and you don't particularly hint that Scootaloo is hoping for them to offer some type of support for her, so Scootaloo's anger comes off as completely unrelated to the situation with Diamond Tiara, which makes it strange for it to be so heated and active.


>I closed the shop
A bit of a nitpick here, but shouldn't it be, I'll close the shop since Rarity wouldn't have much information about the situation until Sweetie Belle got picked up and certainly wouldn't know that Sweetie Belle would react strongly enough to warrant pre-emptive closure.


Now that I think about it, why were the fillies at school for the news anyway? If Diamond Tiara died in a carriage accident, it doesn't make much sense that it would occur at a time while all the students were at school. I guess it could have occurred in the morning as she was walking to school although with her family's wealth, this might not make a ton of sense and the school could have gotten the news and cancelled, but that wouldn't leave any time for the site to be cleaned up and a memorial put in place. And if she was badly injured and in the hospital, they would likely explain it to students and have to deal with a similar problem, so the death wouldn't hit nearly as hard unless nopony had heard about the accident at all. But since it occurred right near where Sweetie Belle stayed, it wouldn't make sense for her not to know anything about it. Plus the school would already be aware of the incident and be able to inform other adults about the news, which contradicts with Scootaloo's account that her father had to come in from work.

I realise this is a subtle detail, but I'm sure at least a few other readers will notice it and have that nagging, annoying question in their heads. Revealing a few specifics about the accident to explain why the news is being released in school might help, but you'll want to make sure the rest of the details are consistent.


In general, I think this has a lot going for it and I look forward to seeing what else you put into it.


And now copy/paste disclaimer:


I tried to keep this review brief as opposed to what I normally do, so some things may not have as much explanation as I normally put in. So if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense, please ask questions. Also, remember that my advice is only my opinion and is more designed to make you think about things rather than objective truth. While my ideas may represent an improvement, it is likely that a compromise that takes my ideas into account, but comes wholly from you will be best for the story.


Finally, never give up on writing. My advice is only intended to steer you in the right direction and shore up some places where I believe the story is currently lacking. The best way to improve is to keep writing.
>> No. 127728
>>127724
I like that you start off supportive, and give a nice well rounded opinion of the story as a whole before you set into the criticism. An advantage of your style over mine is that while I write in the order that I read the story, you write in the order that you want your author to focus on. I also like that you follow up with supportive feedback.
>> No. 127729
File 137042187253.png - (356.10KB , 700x700 , 133858381318.png )
127729
>>127723
Hindsight is always 20/20. Or in this case, Reducted *facepalm* I'll try and edit this a bit more, but all the thumbs down I got on FIMFiction I'll never get rid of.
>> No. 127731
I really need to look at the queue more closely.

>>127690
So, Reducted, this isn't in the queue right now. However, you've been awesome about helping out in here, so, assuming you want it reviewed, once it gets posted, I'll get started on a review right away.

Last edited at Wed, Jun 5th, 2013 10:24

>> No. 127734
Well I got pretty thorough reviews last time I was here, so let's do this again.

What Have I Become?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/101502/what-have-i-become

(I feel like I need to mention this first off: Yes, this is a Human in Equestria story but, no this is NOT a conversion story, no the protagonist does NOT get transformed into a pony)

Synopsis: He had lost it all. Wife, kids, home, and a fairly successful career as an OSHA Safety Inspector. Sure he could get it back, but why leave what he really needs? Looking to escape a personal Hell, George Rizzo finds himself some rather disreputable characters who can offer him happiness... for a price of course. So with a pack on his back and a needle in his arm, he sets off to find a nice little overpass to call home. There he meets his inevitable final downfall and at the same time, some friends he so desperately needs.

Tags: Dark, Sad, Tragedy (repetitive, I know), Human in Equestria, Drug use, tobacco use (future chapters), tons O' swearing, vomit, and other nasties that have made me rate this story "Mature."

Last time I requested a review I got one from Minjask and one from Twilight Snarkle. I was very pleased with both reviews, so if either of you want to review this one too, it would be much appreciated. Otherwise anyone else who wants to claim it, have at it.

Small note: This story is hard enough for me to write. Kind of hits hard. So I ask please be gentle when giving an opinion on the very objectionable content in this fic, but still give me an honest opinion. But that's not to say be gentle when reviewing grammar/tense/et cetera mistakes. In that case I want you to hit me with a brick if needed.

I know for sure this is NOT for everyone, but I would like to have it reviewed for optimal reading pleasure for those who would like it.

Otherwise, brony on and TTFN.


EDIT: This is turning into a longer fic than I originally intended, so I would like whatever chapters are currently posted at the time of review claiming to be reviewed please.

As you can see, this is the second time posting this. I would like this story removed from the "Reviews In Progress" list and put into the "Unclaimed Requests" list, as it appears I need a new reviewer. Thanks much.
>> No. 127755
>>127731
>>127690

Thanks again for all of your help in the TG, Reducted. I hope you continue doing so. Here is the review of Sparity.


Sparity is an interesting type of a shipping fic. It's not the typical ship two characters to bring them into a relationship fic, as it invokes primarily the lust between two characters rather than trying to build an emotional connection, but it's not a typical lust based fic (ie clopfic) since it more about their interactions than the characters actually satisfying their lust.


Sparity is a story about how Spike and Rarity take their relationship to the next level, sort of.


Most importantly, I think this piece needs to be expanded. First off, the characters aren't quite in character. I wouldn't say that they are out of character, as the show would never actually cover this type of story and show how Spike and Rarity actually would act while under the influence of lust, but you don't tie in their actions with their canon characteristics. Take this with a grain of salt. Rarity is the main character whose personality I least understand, so someone with a better sense of the character may disagree. For example, if you can go back and give a bit more justification for why Rarity's character would see herself as dangerous to Spike, or why she would want to avoid any possibility of a lifelong relationship with him, it would strengthen the impact and require less suspension of disbelief.

Next, a lot of the story involves a lot of more subtle interplay between Spike and Rarity, almost like the two are jockeying for power. However, there's not a lot of information there, and it felt disjointed at times. Using body language clues as well as just the dialogue would give the reader more context and more of an idea about what exactly is going on. Also, I get the sense that Spike is supposed to be gradually growing in size as the second confrontation occurs, leading up to the climax where he is nearly full-grown and towers over Rarity, but we don't see any hint of growth until the very end.

Related to the above, the pacing for the fic is particularly fast. Adding more detail would slow the pacing to a more normal rate and give the reader more time to understand the dynamics between Rarity and Spike.


Onto the next topic. You really need to learn how to punctuate dialogue correctly. Here's a link to Ezn Guide that explains it quite well. http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/#Said-tags

Rarity." he
yes." with
you." smoke
Rarity?" a moment passed before
Spike." She answered.
Rarity." he repeated.
beautiful." He said to her.
Spike." She admitted,
what?" He choked.
Spike." She cooed.
“Spike.” Said Rarity
Sweetie." Rarity said to her
terms..." She said.
Yes..." He said before planting
me." He said,
“Whoa.” Said Sweetie
you?" He demanded of her.
me." She said in a
fair." She whispered.
know.” Said Spike.
Lame.” Said Rarity
you." smoke rings punctuated his
>The following three you have things that aren't attributions but are separate descriptive sentences.
her name, "Ra
Rarity spoke first, "Do
Spike recoiled, "You've

More generally, you have a lot of mechanical errors that should be taken care of.

>But i need

>be an understatement darling
>am sorry Spike
>Run along Sweetie
>know Spikey-Wikey
>need you Rarity
>baby dragon Spike
Vocative comma.


>Ponyville could, it was
>was elated, it was
Comma splice.


>Once again, Spike's heart was ravaged. She was a craftspony.
Normally, the She was a craftspony would be the completion of a metaphor or comparison. For example:

>Ponies from different class levels rarely associated with each other and never married. At the bottom were labourers, farmers, and servants. Ponies like me. At the top were aristocrats, spellcasters, and craftsponies.
>He looked once more at the ornate note in his hoof and the profession of love contained within, and then let it fall to the ground. With his head bowed, he trod slowly to the train station.
>She was a craftspony.

The craftspony mention gets added meaning when we know the context. With Spike and Rarity, I get the sense that there is supposed to be some context that gives the craftspony statement meaning, but it isn't there.


>extra extra care
The extra extra— Ahem... additional extra isn't really necessary. You can just say extra care.


>“Have you had a second dance partner? A third?”
Her language (and the scene surrounding this part) is disparate from how she acts later. I understand that you want the reader to read it initially from Spike's perspective, that Rarity would be concerned about Spike being too loyal. However, this doesn't seem like the kind of thing where the reader could look back and see your perspective on things.


Finally, Sweetie Belle and the crowd of ponies watching don't really add anything to the fic, and just kind of act like a distraction. Removing them would let you keep the focus on what you want to focus on.


And as always, the copy/paste disclaimer.
I tried to keep this review brief as opposed to what I normally do, so some things may not have as much explanation as I normally put in. So if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense, please ask questions. Also, remember that my advice is only my opinion and is more designed to make you think about things rather than objective truth. While my ideas may represent an improvement, it is likely that a compromise that takes my ideas into account, but comes wholly from you will be best for the story.


Finally, never give up on writing. My advice is only intended to steer you in the right direction and shore up some places where I believe the story is currently lacking. The best way to improve is to keep writing.
>> No. 127759
>>127436
I'll try to get through this relatively quickly.

>>126905
Hazardus_Havard, your story has been in the queue for an unreasonably long time. Would you have a problem with me reviewing the first couple chapters right away and then eventually getting through to other ones as I have time? That would get you some feedback earlier although it wouldn't necessarily get you feedback on the entire story for a while.

Unless you object to me reviewing it that way, I'll claim this after I get done with the review of Slippy's story.
>> No. 127766
File 137109077181.jpg - (44.96KB , 798x480 , ©-Michael-Brown-Fotolia-Small.jpg )
127766
>>127759

Nah, I have no problem with how you go about looking at my story.
>> No. 127781
>>127759
>>127436


My favourite part of this story is the banter between Discord and Nightmare Moon. The ridiculousness of Discord plays a great foil to the much more serious Nightmare Moon. This is definitely what drives the story in my opinion.

I worry a bit about adding the extra characters though. If you've noticed in the show, if there's more than two or three of the mane six in an episode, then either several of them take a back seat or they each exist mostly to play their role and you don't get much in the way of interesting character interactions. This is just a function of the way our brains work; we can't really focus on more than three characters very deeply. I already felt like a lot of the dynamic was lost when Chrysalis was introduced and I'm worried about the introduction of Sombra, and possibly Trixie and Flim, but I sense those were red herrings and whether you will be able to maintain the dynamic between Discord and NMM that carried the piece for me. Part of this might be that I felt that Chrysalis didn't particularly differentiate herself from NMM in terms of personality. Granted, this is more difficult than differentiating NMM from Discord as there isn't a built in personality difference, and you'll have to do the work of coming up with two distinct personalities for characters that both have their defining characteristics as evil and wanting to take over Equestria. However, doing this will let the story advance beyond just having Discord as a foil to NMM.


I do think the story starts very slowly and the parts of the story in Ponyville were not nearly at the calibre of the initial Discord and NMM parts. Part of this is because the point of including the Ponyville bits is to establish where the time period is now and so they will necessarily involve a lot of exposition. But right now, all they are is exposition and that's not particularly interesting to read about.

The story has also taken a completely different turn into Tartarus where we haven't seen the mane six at all in the last few chapters. If you could wait to do the major introductions until right before the mane six will need to actually enter the story, this might help things. The details would be fresher in the mind of the readers and they wouldn't have to wade through all the exposition at the beginning that bogs down the story.

Another possible fix would be introducing some minor conflict in Ponyville (related or unrelated to the oncoming villains) and make the mane six deal with that while you weave the exposition around it. This way the mane six sections would feel more like an actual story and be more in line with what the other half of the story feels like.


I get that the story is supposed to be a somewhat ridiculous comedy, but there were a few things that kind of broke my suspension of disbelief.

First was Celestia secretly being a ridiculous warrior. It doesn't seem particularly necessary for the plot as she could just say something like she beat Discord once and could do it again or she was ready in case something like that happened, which would make sense since she apparently stunted Discord's magic anyway. Also, it would save you the scene where you have a really awkward and over-the-top explanation trying to justify something that really doesn't make any sense with canon, since we've never seen Celestia be competent against any villain. After all, she lost to Chrysalis and she didn't try to defeat Discord but sent the mane six after him and then even after they nearly failed, she didn't come after them, but just sent letters. It makes much more sense if her battle readiness was a one-time thing rather than an ongoing seen that for some reason has never worked.

>"It's-a me, Mario!"
I'm really not a fan of humour where the entire joke is based on the reader recognising a reference. This isn't really even where the thing that is referenced is funny on its own; you're just hoping that the reader recognises the source material and enjoys the reference to it.

You also have a few sets of lyrics in the fic. There's not really a good way to represent lyrics in a fic and my typical reaction is to skim past them as quickly as possible. My advice would recommend that if you need to say something in the song, it would be better said in normal narration and if you can't say it with the narration, then it is better left unsaid.

I get that Discord is odd, but he is surrounded by ponies, so wouldn't his spur of the moment name be a pony name? I don't think Dennis would be a name used by any species in Equestria and would likely confuse the guards. Also, I might not have seen all of where the name comes in, but the name itself doesn't seem to affect the plot at all.

This next one is definitely less of a concern, but Luna being unconscious for that long struck me as odd. I understand that your imposed limits on NMM require Luna to tag along, but the length of time she was out rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps you could institute some type of gag like NMM making her complete some dream task that takes forever and she can't wake up until she completes it.

You have a lot of mechanical mistakes that need to be taken care of. Here are a couple types that I found on a quick run-through, but this probably isn't all of them.

Capitalisation errors:
employed. of
friends..." he lost himself in
sick..." another one held a
are..." one of the sandwiches
uh..." he cleared his throat.
wanderer..." she slumped down next
no..." she braced for the

You seem to have some trouble with standard dialogue punctuation. In particular, you don't typically capitalise an attribution immediately after the dialogue and you don't use a full stop if you have an attribution immediately afterwards.
Here's a good reference on dialogue punctuation if you are looking for an explanation. http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/#Said-tags
Here's a list of ones I noticed that fell under that category.
day." Spike said calmly as
here?" He asked.
Discord!" Her ethereal voice shouted
loud!" The draconequus whined.
thought." She muttered.
no!" He said,
harmony!" She cried.
harmony." Her brother responded with
party?" Came
wings!" The filly squeaked as
ponies." The filly said,
Eeyup." Her husband agreed with - Check this
fierce." Applejack snorted.
confection!" The princess shouted.
here." The shadow said,
comfortable." Discord muttered with his
book." Nightmare Moon replied with poison
chocolate..." Luna's voice came.
princess?" The shadow asked
WHAT?" The shadow shouted,
Fair." Nightmare Moon growled.
invalid." Discord nonchalantly replied.
on!" The draconequus shouted,
DISCORD!" The princess screamed.
magic!" The shadow growled.
flank!" Came a
mama." They said in unison.
think?" The princess asked.
Elements?" He asked,
soon?" The shadow growled.
villains!" He exclaimed.
GAAACK!" The mayor coughed and
years!" She said in an
orders!" He said with a
Mario!" He said in an
Discord!" She whispered.
What?" He asked.
Pegasus!" The guard said with
now?" The shadow grumbled,
are." Nightmare Moon said,
throne?" She asked.
in..." he paused,
wheel!" She screamed.
Equestria!" He exclaimed,
mane." One said to the
scum!" One exclaimed.
What?" The other asked.
marketplace!" One shouted.
Dennis!" The other cop returned,
you." Inconceivable Intellect replied as the
YOU?" They bellowed in unison.
YEAH!" They both exclaimed,
ponies?" The princess asked.
Firmer?" The psychiatrist asked.
Yeah?" He returned in a
right?" She asked.
queen?" She whispered over the
honor!" He said with a
chariot." She said drolly whilst
armor?" A guard asked.
worsens." The princess finished donning
mission?" He asked.
okay." He responded as she
draconequus." She said in a
go?" She asked wistfully to
introduced." Discord asked.
you." She said without emotion.
growl?" She asked.
newlyweds." She growled in return.
fine!" The shadow barked.
work?" She asked
hast..." Luna's voice trailed off
me." She whispered.
it." She commanded.
this?" He asked.
with." She said nonchalantly,
times." She said coolly.
could." She said.
too?" He asked.
metal." Chrysalis said flatly.
too." The Changeling Queen said before curling
Blueblood." He called out.
worst." One called out.
Fancypants!" He said in a
crime." The doctor said in
wig!" She yelled,
Bloom!" She screamed.
Security!" He called.
Discord!" She cried before the
boys." Discord said,
s." Nightmare Moon responded.
there?" He asked.
Discord." She said without a
me." She whispered,
nightmare!" He whispered.
this?" She asked in a
rosebud!" She commanded.
hilarious!" He exclaimed,
one." Nightmare Moon said coolly.
murderer!" A Shining called out.
Discord!" She shouted in the
Discord!" She cried,
girl." Discord muttered.
intrigued!" She said.
guest." Discord said with a
back?" He interrupted.
so." She said,
fruitless." Fancypants whimpered once the
us!" A mare cried.
here." Discord observed,
Discord." Luna growled.
Damned." Nightmare Moon finished his sentence
day." Chrysalis quipped.
deal." Nightmare Moon said with conviction.
me!" He called as the
here." Beelzebub said,
name?" She asked.


And now for the copy/paste disclaimer.

I tried to keep this review brief as opposed to what I normally do, so some things may not have as much explanation as I normally put in. So if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense, please ask questions. Also, remember that my advice is only my opinion and is more designed to make you think about things rather than objective truth. While my ideas may represent an improvement, it is likely that a compromise that takes my ideas into account, but comes wholly from you will be best for the story.


Finally, never give up on writing. My advice is only intended to steer you in the right direction and shore up some places where I believe the story is currently lacking. The best way to improve is to keep writing.

Last edited at Thu, Jun 13th, 2013 23:51

>> No. 127783
>>127465
Here it is. I split it up into G Doc chapters. I hope I helped.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iOljWyGt8Tgs6PH4sR3_xhF01pOMWD0H3fL2F-uInoc/edit
Chapter 1

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i8giGOionxNCX0UyfEjy0JMel47T6DHDqfl4_qvpbqY/edit
Chapter 2

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18uc0tK_wtrHv7U5d0CrzN8Efg5fJb3IgeuH5dzhnWVQ/edit
Chapter 3
>> No. 127785
Title: The Box

Summary: Discord decides to play a harmless prank on Twilight. A simple box can't do any harm after all.

Character Tags: (Non-Princess) Twilight

Story Tags: Comedy

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yDku_FeWeeVAqG-LYY2D_UyKSh3_MWsI3OI6dNoyquE/edit?usp=sharing

Native Language: English

Word Count: 4300
>> No. 127789
>>127755
Thank you very much. This will be a very different story. This is all sorts of helpful because the thing I take most pride in-my style- needs work. This review will make all of my writing in the future more thought out I believe.

Thank you again.

should I even be reviewing with mistakes like these?
>> No. 127790
>>127694

Contractions aren't always bad in prose.

I quote some stuff I found on the internet:

One of the authorities leading the charge for contractions is Rudolf Flesch, who, in his 1966 book The ABC of Style, dispensed this advice:

It’s a good style rule to use as many apostrophes as possible. This is not because apostrophes are specially pretty (they’re not) but because they’re an outward sign that you’re using many contractions like it’s, I’ve, he’s, we’re, etc. And the more contractions you use, the more your writing will resemble idiomatic, spoken English. In fact, the spelling out of usually contracted words is sometimes downright unidiomatic and wrong.

William Zinsser, the much admired author of On Writing Well, agrees, saying that we need to be guided by what sounds right:

Your style will be warmer and truer to your personality if you use contractions like “I’ll” and “won’t” and “can’t” when they fit comfortably into what you’re writing. “I’ll be glad to see them if they don’t get mad” is less stiff than “I will be glad to see them if they do not get mad.” (Read that aloud and hear how stilted it sounds.) There’s no rule against such informality—trust your ear and your instincts.
>> No. 127791
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