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127479 No. 127479
#Single fic #Normal

I wrote a cute story about Twist [www.fimfiction.net] that I'm kind of proud of, and I'm hoping to point a few more readers toward it. I'm not really looking for a critique or even a detailed review (I'm fairly confident in my writing skills), just asking you to check it out.

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>> No. 127481
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>I'm fairly confident in my writing skills
Let me cure you of your delusions.

Oh, AND READ THE STICKY. Your thread lacks several important elements for showcasing.

Skipping the prologue and ignoring the rather dismal tell-exposition of your synopsis, your opening of chapter one is actually well done, which makes it all the more a shame when you open up Twist with a big, fat infodump.

>“Even when I dumb my converthation down, I can thtill run verbal ringth around Thnailth, and Thnipth ithn't much better.” Her lack of attention to her lisp showed just how emphatic she was on the subject.
Let the dialogue show this. You do a good job of having her slip when she's getting emotional, then you up and ruin the effect by stating it, as if the reader needs to be led by the nose to recognize your genius. Of course, the effect would be strengthened if you didn't give her the lisp when she isn't pre-occupied, since doing so would achieve juxtaposition.

Eh, I can't find much in the way of out-and-out errors and the rest is more subjective, so I suppose your confidence isn't entirely without merit. That said, the story lacks punch for me, which isn't helped by the fact that I've never been particularly enamoured with romance stories.
>> No. 127482
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>Handing out advice instead of brutally and ruthlessly criticizing the work
Dude, you might actually have something. He likes it enough to try to make it better. Which means that if I'd just get off my lazy butt and do something, I might enjoy it too. Twist is somewhat of a rarity in what I've seen of pony fiction. But of what I have seen, her inclusion is usually a good omen that the author has at least some semblance of how to write an entertaining story.
*I say this as a simple act of observation, and not to state that including Twist in your story will automatically make it better.*

Last edited at Fri, May 3rd, 2013 16:55

>> No. 127484
*looks back as he has changed Bella for Twist in all the books*


Edit: actually... this might work...

Last edited at Fri, May 3rd, 2013 18:19

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