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127635 No. 127635

Hi there! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Golden Vision. I like ponies, time travel, long walks on the beach, and tearing apart the heart and soul of any aspiring author who thinks they can write fanfiction.

Oh, don’t worry. You can come closer. I won’t bite. Much.

So, this is a review thread. In it, I shall glomp, wub, and boop your stories until they fall apart of internal bleeding. The times shall be hard, you and your ego will suffer, but I can promise that you’ll be a better author for it. Golden Vision Reviews™ does not actually make any legal claim to this effect, and is not responsible for the failings of n00b authors who do not know an em-dash from a proper noun.

This is a bit different from some other review threads, however. The preferred submission type is Google Docs; however, I will refrain from commenting on your fic Unless I really like you, or think that your fic so good that only a few minor corrections are needed. Instead, this thread will have a format more similar to that of a prereading one. For each story that I read, I will return a laundry list of problems that I found, as specific as I can make them, accompanied by at least one example for each (if at all possible) to give the author some perspective on what the problem is and how to fix it. Should anyone require a followup meeting with me to go over how, exactly, they can fix the listed problems (assuming that they’re unable to understand the resources I’ve provided them), I’ll be happy to take an hour or two to help you understand how to improve that part of your writing.

Just some quick rules. First, be reasonable and polite. Don’t flame me or anyone else in this thread, and don’t submit anything that’s just plain ridiculous (I usually start to back away around 10k words, or one chapter; by that point, I probably have a pretty good idea already of what your problems are). You are indeed welcome to resubmit, but if I see none of those problems fixed, that fic will be blacklisted and ignored until you can prove to me that you’ve done your utmost to address those issues.

Secondly, as I would suspect would be obvious, no clop or gore. Do your best to stay within PChan’s standards; you should all know the rules by now. Thirdly, you are required to submit your fic both in this thread and in my reviewing queue, which I have linked below. Fourthly, if you have an update about your story, or want me to drop it, please post it in the thread below. You can semi-regularly find me hanging out in the #fic IRC on irc.canternet.net, should you want to chat me up (email works too).

Happy /fic/ing, everyone!

-Golden Vision
AKA G-Vizzle, GVeezy, Golden Showers, That Weird Arse What Was His Name Again

Submission Form: http://derpy.me/txBQo
Submission Queue:: http://derpy.me/Y6ETx

Useful Resources
Ezn’s Guide: http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/
The Editor’s Omnibus: http://derpy.me/EditorsOmnibus
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>> No. 127639
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Oh, welcome back to the biz, —.

Gutsy move, doing the parallel thread thing. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I'll drop stuff by you if and when I ever get anything written (which might be just after this next Write-Off). ^-^
>> No. 127648
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>Queue is empty
>> No. 127649
Title: Paranormal Regrets
Author: Dublio
Tags: Dark, Sad
Word Count: 3727
Synopsis: Lyra and Bon Bon have always been close friends, and at times, more than that. When they decide to take the next step, Lyra's worried that it might not work out. When an unfortunate accident threatens to end their relationship, Lyra swears to be there for Bon Bon no matter what, even overcoming barriers she wouldn't have thought possible. How far can one unicorn go in the name of love?

Gdocs Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EZzwi65R8BO98pQE6HyvzX64eZqndd8Za63JZZfVdUA/edit

Since your queue is empty, I might as well show you something. Be as harsh as you want, and realize how much you've grown in the past year.

Thanks in advance. Welcome back to the world of reviewing, Golden Vision.
>> No. 127659
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Hi Wublio! Happy to see you back in the writing game. Unfortunately, I wish I had happier news about your fic...

Story: Paranormal Regrets

Author: Dublio

Plot Holes Found
Uninteresting Story — I'm really sorry, but there was almost no character tension or real conflict in this story. Things just kind of happened. Even at the height of Lyra's "revelation", or when BonBon was about to be raped, I felt nothing for the characters. It just completely fell flat.
Bad Story Flow
Infodump — You kind of do this thing where you give us some sort of exposition through internal monologue—which is good—but the way in which you do it makes it come across as really clumsy.

Out Of Character (Protagonist)
Unbelievable Character Development
Lack of Character Development
Unengaging Dialogue
Poorly Developed Personality
Poorly Developed Background
Passive Characterization — Lyra was really passive and uninteresting. She just kind of sat there and reacted instead actually doing anything.
PoV Inconsistency
Stilted Dialogue
Flat Characterization

Run-On Sentences
Tense Confusion

Telling (Emotion)
Telling (Action)
Inconsistent Tone
Overly Simple Sentences
Word Choice
Lack of Body Language
Non Sequitur

Overall Score: 3/10

I'm really sorry; I wish that I could give you a higher score, but there's really nothing of great substance here. I've read first person stories (The Dresden Files, Percy Jackson Series, etc) whose protagonists really pop off the page and come to life in your mind (which, after all, what the PoV genre is all about), but Lyra never really felt real, and neither did her problems. On the plus side, there were almost no mechanical problems, so you've got that going for you.

Good luck revising~
>> No. 127660
Thanks for the review, Golden Vision!

I've got a lot to work on.
>> No. 127664
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Title: Her Protector (A FanFic)
Author: Doctor Hipster
Tags: Somber, Serious
Word Count: Unknown (Story unfinished, just chapter 1 for reviewing)

With the recent crowning of the new princess Twilight Sparkle, a Protector for her was chosen from a well-known security company in Manehattan, Iron Security. This protector of the princess must guard and guide her young mind and body against countless deadly, mysterious assassins, jealous common ponies and such seeking to exploit her and her power, and many more villains that seek to do harm to the fair Twilight Sparkle. ‘Her Protector’ is a story that combines the bright, happy world of Equestria with the cold, hard truths of the real world.

This is the beginning of the new FanFic I'm writing. I'll continue it once you review it. Tell me what you think, and don't be afraid to be brutal (which I'm sure you will be). Thanks!

(Picture Unrelated) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GgoiIQ1VCkpWB_Dk1wul6kxb-fagtou9Au9FSF8riqA/edit?usp=sharing

Last edited at Wed, May 29th, 2013 18:53

>> No. 127667
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>submitted to the thread
>not submitted to the queue

>tfw author hasn't shared doc/made public
>tfw comments probably aren't enabled either

Last edited at Thu, May 30th, 2013 05:34

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