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No. 128968
>>128932 Comments were left in-doc, and other than the "but did it _____" clauses, there wasn't really that much grammatical or stylistic that I took issue with on a systemic level. You got the grammar down (barring like... one period in 10k words), so let's move on to the interesting bits.
You gave me some questions to use as a template, so here they are:
>1. Where should I put in chapter breaks? This is incomplete, and I have a few places where I think I should break it up, but I'm finding it a little difficult. For this, I'm going to reference what I recall of Samurai's chapter theory (as in, practice, not a colloquial term for a hypothesis). Essentially, it states that every story is one main conflict that needs to be resolved by the end. Along this route, there should be several smaller steps toward resolving that one main conflict; as each of these is revolved, that is a chapter (give or take a few "come down" paragraphs after the tiny climaxes). Note that this doesn't mean that every chapter is its own distinct sub-conflict; for example, you could introduce a portion of the conflict in chapter two and have it resolved in chapter four. Also, your first chapter is always going to have at least two conflicts introduced—the story's overarching conflict, and a sub-conflict that should be resolved by the end of the chapter.
For example, in Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel, Gilda starts off the chapter incredibly lonely (main conflict), and she also notes that she hasn't checked her mail in a while, so she decides to go do that (sub-conflict).
So, where should you put chapter breaks? Let's look at the conflicts you introduce: —Eagle Eye is in love with Empty Glass —Empty Glass mistreats Eagle Eye —Eagle Eye believes he is hallucinating —Hair Trigger has unrequitted feelings for Eagle Eye —Eagle Eye is confused as to whether or not he needs a break from Canterlot —Eagle Eye is stuck on a train —Eagle Eye dislikes the idea of the place he has been essentially forced to go to —Eagle Eye doesn't know who his parents were —Eagle Eye wants to leave the place he has essentially been forced to go to
And then, which ones are resolved: —Empty Glass mistreats Eagle Eye (RESOLVED: he decides to go a bar and commiserates with his friend) 1k words —Eagle Eye is confused as to whether or not he needs a break from Canterlot (RESOLVED: Hair Trigger throws him on a train) 2k words —Eagle Eye is stuck on a train (RESOLVED: the train stops and he decides to get off though you did not give him motivations to) 2k words —Eagle Eye wants to leave the place he has essentially been forced to go to (RESOLVED: His conversation with Puck convinces him to stay) 5k words
All of these, essentially, can mark the end of a chapter. I put the word counts next to each conflict to give you a rough approximation of chapter sizes; it's not exactly even, but that's what you've got so far. If you wanted to break the 5k-word chapter up into two, you could extrapolate on Eagle Eye's initial resistance (where he takes the tour, then decides to enter the building) to break up the overarching dislike-of-the-compound conflict.
In addition to chapters, though, there is such thing as a prologue and epilogue. Since this is technically a sequel, a prologue would be a perfect place to bridge the gap between what people expect going into a My Little Pony fanfiction and your own existing universe. So, you could find a way to mention things that have already happened to Eagle Eye and introduce his character in a way that introduces the relevant details from his past exploits in your stories, introduces him, and introduces the new story. That would assuage your worries with this being a standalone and a sequel, and is a useful tool you could use.
>2. Am I balancing the story's more serious moments and comic relief effectively? Not even close.
Heck, this story, in general, is very, very imbalanced. I could point to the chapter lengths based on the conflict resolution you've already got here, but that's something you admit needs work. I will point to the fact that... that weird, weird dream segment (?) exists, from completely out of nowhere, and ejected me from the story like a jet pilot. None of this story feels entirely cohesive, and Eagle Eye is so scatterbrained, inconsistent, hypocritical, and downright insane that there is very little chance of this story flowing smoothly, let alone balanced.
I think a large problem is how abruptly things occur in your story that don't really have any plot relevance. Take, for example, the bit with Hair Trigger talking about a spy camera in a stallion's shower room. It comes out of left field, has huge implications, and I can bet with a high amount of certainty that it's never going to come up again. Ditto with her abrupt offense at being called "friends" with Eagle Eye (it's like an unrequited love triangle).
The fact that Eagle Eye essentially shrugs off the very real certainty that he's discovered a piece of his past, origin, and parents—which he lacks a lot of knowledge on—should really speak for itself. The fact that he shrugs it off because he gets distracted by being called a girl (for laughs!) is bad.
The fact that the humor then shifts to the closeted gay stallion who's weak, timid, shy, "emotionally sensitive*", and doesn't commit to any serious relationships; the fact that this stallion is then revealed to be a transvestite on top of all that makes me think that he is one case of AIDS away from being every negative gay stereotype in existence. I digress, but since that particular weak point of Eagle Eye's character came up as comedic relief, I'm going to put it in this section.
>3. Is the exposition overbearing? I'm intending this to be one of those stand-alone sequels, so I've included a little background that veteran readers won't need. I'm worried that right now I'm laying it on so thick that folks who have read the previous stories are going to be annoyed. For the bits about "catching up prior readers", remember that you can do a prologue for that. To answer your concern more directly, no, I did not feel that your explanation of things in the past was heavy-handed. If anything, I felt that there wasn't that much needed, since really, all that Eagle Eye has ever done is get molested by Celestia, get drunk in a bar with Glass and Trigger, and get date-raped by Rarity.
Seeing as how there is a pathological lack of growth from this character (the whole of Playing Hard to Get was an exploration of his feelings for his boss—a male), there's really nothing plot-relevant from the original three stories he's been a part of that can't be woven in naturally anyway—i.e., 'he got a vacation after Discord Day,' or 'he's crashed on Glass's couch'. You already did this. But moreover, there's not really any of that needed, since you're essentially throwing out all lessons he's learned across his several stories and starting with the same exact character from the beginning of Distorted Perspective.
However, I'll also note that, in general, your exposition is overbearing. There's a certain art to creating a subtle narrative that paints a natural world and characters; you, on the other hand, in many locations, use paint bombs and spray cans to point out "THIS IS HOW THIS CHARACTER IS FEELING!" or "'PAY ATTENTION', HE SAID, 'THIS IS EXPOSITION!'" For example, when Eagle is first visiting the compound, that would be a very good place for some subtle tension-building to show that he's uncomfortable; instead, you had him essentially narrate that "I'm getting more and more uncomfortable."
Which, it's first person, but there's still room for showing instead of telling.
I'd try to tone down some things, and try some good old fashioned implications. Whether or not you intended it, I liked the difference between the times Eagle looked at a stallion's cutie mark—almost immediately—versus a mare's—several sentences into the conversation. Regardless of whether that was intentional, though, try going back through this and looking for ways to use feelings and emotions to tell a mindset instead of directly narrating it.
>4. I'm looking more for thoughts on concept and execution here. If I'm being blunt, it's a blend of two clichés that could offer a fresh take on the whole "Hotel California" vibe and be amazing if you pull it off.
If.
This story charts an unfortunate route between your desire to tackle a lot of serious concepts—concentration camps, homosexual self-discovery, romantic problems, orphans' desire to find their identities / their parents—while keeping everyone quirky, fun, and carefree. I'm telling you now that it's going to be one or the other—you can have the quirky comedy or you can have the serious drama (with necessary comedy relief), but you can't have both. They're diametrically opposed, and the middle ground is garbage—you're reducing your story's message from the drama to gain comedy, you're not gaining enough comedy to make it worth what you're losing, and the "serious" stuff is taking away from the amount of humor you're able to deliver.
I think that a core problem with this story is a twofold lack of emotional contingency of the characters and a lack of emotions, which have a symbiotic relationship (as far as literary problems go). Remember how earlier, I said that Eagle Eye is scatterbrained? A lot of things he discovers doesn't seem to linger with him, a lot of what he says doesn't mesh with how he's feeling, and for God's sake, it is beyond infuriating to see him lust after a guy, tell his female friend he's lusting after a guy, and then lie to try and deny that he's lusting after a guy. Like, no; if he actually lived like that, the sheer amount of cognitive dissonance would probably send him into an institution. This whimsical chaos of the brain travels over to Eagle's emotions, and he doesn't stick, emotionally, to the situation he's in.
On top of that, due to your lack of subtlety, the emotions of each interaction aren't built. Now, maybe that's a compounded effect because he changes emotions so rapidly and unnaturally, but at the same time, as it is, this is a significant problem.
There's also the massive, gaping plothole of him actually getting off the train. He had no clear motivations to do so, he is disgusted by the idea of institutionalized surrogation, and he wasn't forced. The conductor asks if he wants to go back to Canterlot—the city he spends a whole condescending rant against unappreciative plebs on to describe how much he loves it there!
But I think the worst thing, by far, in this first-person story, is how straight-up unlikeable you make the narrator. He's a paper-thin gay stereotype who's rude to his one friend, tactless to his boss, pushed-over by society, has several, preachy superiority complexes, and nearly constantly lies to himself. Weighing that against his good qualities—which, on thinking back on the story, amount to "he's a public servant" (who goes on vacation) and "he didn't rape someone in their sleep"—I come up with the bottom line that it's not exactly that I don't care about his predicament, but that I don't want to be around him while he's going through it.
True, there's the supporting cast, but Hair Trigger is also "seven directions at once and going nowhere", Empty Glass, the changeling who's disguised to take advantage of Eagle Eye, and Puck—probably the first decent character in this story—who constantly violates his marriage to foster an army of children he never takes care of. It really doesn't help that everyone seems to have an ulterior motive (Puck, I imagine, is some sort of shill who's working with the compound); it's like everyone is a mystery, yet no one is interesting.
I think this story is salvageable, in its current state, in that the scenes flow logically from one to another. The characters, interactions, dialogue, and emotions all need a fair amount of work, but the skeleton is there. I wish you good luck on implementing it.
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