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File 137875002736.png - (249.35KB , 640x360 , mlpfim_ep1609.png )
128349 No. 128349
#Reviewer

Do you have any short story (less than 10,000 words) that I could try to review please? (No shipping, comedy, crossover or random, please, for many reasons I can't work on them) I've the feeling that I can't write for my life, but I think I'd be more lucky if I reviewed fanfics instead of writing them.

Warning: I've never done this before, so don't expect me to do something great, or even correct. Actually, see this as an exercise. It'd be even better if an actual prereader reviewed the same story and we could compare our points of view.

Last edited at Fri, Nov 29th, 2013 08:15

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>> No. 128350
File 137875601644.jpg - (20.55KB , 227x306 , jenna miffed.jpg )
128350
Sounds great, I was actually just looking for some input on a piece I wrote.

I'll appreciate input on punctuation, potholes, sentence structure and anything else you feel is "odd" or wrong.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HRMexp-kqiKm4AsRCy9hxKuN0SnRFB_Qd6MQTCM5_MA/edit

As it happens I am also waiting for my prereaders response on this, I can send you his notes when he gets it back to me if you are still interested by then.

edit: In case you have never used the comment feature in Google docs, all you have to do is mark the section that seems problematic, then click the comment button in the top left corner. I will receive a mail notifying me of your comments when you are done. If you used an existing Google account you will also be notified of my response.

Last edited at Mon, Sep 9th, 2013 13:17

>> No. 128362
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128362
>>128350
Sorry, for many reasons I don't want to comment on the GoogleDoc.

Here it is:

>Most clockmakers relied upon their magic to work the finer gears and mechanisms of the clock; they used their innate telekinetic abilities to construct the delicate devices.
Replace the semicolon with a colon. Actually, most of the time, a semicolon should not be used in literature. That's one of the rare things I'm sure of, so keep it in mind!

>This clockmaker however, was an earth pony, the advantages and social standing given to others at birth didn’t pertain to him.
Add a comma right after "clockmaker". I also think you should replace the comma right after "earth pony" with a colon, but I may be wrong. Plus, simply saying "to others" means that you're referring to everypony else than Cold Hoof, including the other earth ponies. You wanted to refer to unicorns only. Oh, and a little thing: why did you mention the social standing? You didn't talk about it in the previous paragraph, so you shouldn't mention it in a following sentence containing "however". You shouldn't add something else, that's a little off-topic.

>Nopony could deny however, that he made the finest clockwork in the whole district, perhaps the finest in all of Canterlot.
A comma after "deny". You used "finest" twice. I don't really know if it's okay or not, but I'd have changed the second word for a synonym.

How you wrote the rumors kind of disturbs me, and I can't really tell why. The first sentence of the rumors should end with a period or an ellipsis. That part is quite strange: "I will never learn to understand": "I will never understand it..." should be better.

>Including some of the wilder rumors as well:
wildest*
And the sentences before and after that one are almost the same. Remove the first one.

>He liked to believe that the adversity he had faced, played a key component in the design and production of the clocks, making them different than anything you would find elsewhere.
Remove the first comma. "the clocks" => "his clocks"

>Today was her 7’nth birthday, and Cold Hoof couldn’t wait to get home to her and celebrate it.
her seventh birthday*

>She was kept secret, of course; earth ponies weren’t allowed to have unicorn children in their custody.
It should start a new paragraph. Replace the semicolon with a colon.

>Penalties for the crime of child abduction and earth pony parenthood of a unicorn or Pegasus child could range from death by guillotine, to death by firing squad, neither of which was particularly high on Cold Hoof’s list of priorities.
You didn't change the topic, so it shouldn't be on a new paragraph, just continue the previous one.
pegasus*, OR capitalize the other races.
No comma after "guillotine".
Also, this is really dark, very different from the MLP universe. Are trying to write a "Dark" story?
If yes, you should do some work so as to explain why the cheery atmosphere of our pastel-coloured ponies suddenly became like that. Read some guides (the Omnibus, the writing guide on fimfiction, etc.), more precisely what they say about Dark stories. They all explain this topic much better than I would.
If not, describe a much lesser violent punishment.

>He had to look lively; only one more scheduled appointment for the day, and lord Hackett didn’t appreciate slouching.
Replace the semicolon with a period. "There was only one more" instead of "only one more".

>He took to busying himself with another design while waiting for Hackett humming a tune softly.
Humming a tune softly, he took to busying himself with another design while waiting for (lord?) Hackett.*

>Just as he was engrossed in fitting a cog into place he heard the tinkle of the shops bell.
Put a comma after "into place". shop's bell*

>When Cold Hoof looked up he saw the easily recognizable shape of a large white unicorn, a cutie mark depicting a golden scale emblazoned upon his flank.
A comma after "looked up". The "emblazoned" word doesn't sound well for me: cutie marks aren't blazons.

>Cold Hoof had dealt with lord Hackett often and held a great deal of respect for his patron as a result.
Is lord Hackett (should we write "Lord"?) Cold Hoof's patron? It's not really clear.

>Despite being a prominent figure within the peacekeepers Hackett often came off as open minded and mild in judgment, the very inverse of the peacekeepers.
Despite being a prominent figure within the peacekeepers, (lord?) Hackett often came off as open-minded and mild in judgement, the very inverse of his colleagues.*

>Adding further to lord Hacketts favor was the fact that he was the only non-earth pony that had never done verbal or physical harm to Cold Hoof.
Adding more to his importance for Cold Hoof was the fact that he was the only non-earth pony that had never done verbal or physical harm to him.*

>Though he spoke very rarely of his job, Cold Hoof got the distinct feeling that he was the only reason that high overseer ruby shard hadn’t replaced every punishment in the book of law with execution or banishment. Hackett was in a sense, the perfect balance for ruby’s ruthless dedication to justice.
I had to read it twice to understand that "ruby shard" was actually somepony. Even now, I'm not 100% sure.
If it's the case: capitalize his name! "Ruby Shard".
"that high overseer" => "that the high overseer". I feel like this story is a Dark one...
Maybe it's better if you capitalize "the book of law" to "The Book of Law". It adds much more importance to this book, hence making the reader really understand how serious Ruby Shard is when it's about justice.
with an execution or a banishment*
A comma after "Hackett was". By the way, shouldn't OCs have a name that already exists? More precisely, a noun or an adjective+a noun? Twilight, Cloudchaser, Cloudy Skies, Rarity... The name "Hackett" doesn't seem to fit that rule.

>“It’s good to see you Lord Hackett,” Cold Hoof said with a smile. “I have your design out back, would you like to pick it up today, or do you come with a different affair in mind?”
A comma after "see you".
did you come*

>“Just the watch please,” Hackett said, bearing a neutral expression.
Comma after "watch".

>It had taken well over a week’s worth of work, but the result was well worth it; the watch
Replace the semicolon with a colon.

>with rays spreading from its horn.
his horn* (though I'm not sure)

>The engraving, hand painted
hand-painted*

>When Cold Hoof returned from the workshop he found Hackett
Comma after "the workshop".

>“What? Oh yes, of course” he exclaimed, shaken from his reverie. “I am afraid I haven’t been in my right state of mind lately; let me have a look at it.”
Add an exclamation mark after "of course". Replace the semicolon with a period.

>“Business matter, I am forbidden to indulge any information about it” He stated
Put a comma after "about it", don't capitalize "He".

>Canterlot was in pieces; Frequent earth pony uprisings all over the country had led to the installation of martial law.
A period instead of the semicolon. I think "application" sounds better than "installation" here.

>They held the equestrian guard, and equestrian flight divisions respectively.
They respectively held the divisions of the equestrian guard and the equestrian flight.*

>outcast from the city; the city peacekeepers
A colon instead of a semicolon.

>It did sting a little though, as an earth pony
Replace the comma with a period or a colon.

>and was forced to carry picture ID with him at all times.
and was forced to carry an identification document with him at all times.* I think it makes more sense.

>Cold Hoof felt for the cause of racial equality, but he also knew that there was no way the nobility would give up its seat in power. The easiest way for him to survive was to stay right where he was; racial equality or not, life as a clockmaker suited him.
I quote the English Wikipedia page for "racial equality": Racial equality (...) mostly deals with an equal regard to all races. Maybe it'd be better if you wrote "racial segregation" instead of "racial equality".
And replace the semicolon with a period.

>“Of course, I understand sir; would you like an explanation of the watch’s operations?” Cold Hoof replied with a smile
“Of course, mylord, I understand," Cold Hoof replied with a smile. "Would you like an explanation of the watch’s operations?”*
And I would replace every "sir" Cold Hoof says with "mylord".

>he donned a thick sheep wool jacket
he donned a thick sheep's wool jacket*

>He shivered a little; overhead
He shivered a little. Overhead*

>covered the areas that pegasi would normally have their wings folded
covered the areas where pegasi would normally have their wings folded

>making the ponies he passed assume he was a pegasus
Replace "assume" with "assuming".

>The Coat was his cover, his mask; leaving his home without it felt… naked.
Kill that semicolon.
"leaving his home without it would have made him felt... naked."*

>intentionally or unintentionally
intentionally or not*

>noticed that under the coat, was absolutely nothing.
Add a comma after "that".

>This scene, and many more like it
Remove the comma.

>Letting the sound of droplets, dripping from his mane to the floor, distract him for a moment.
He let the sound of droplets, dripping from his mane to the floor, distract him for a moment.*

>by the name of May Lilly and pinned
May Lily or May Lilly? Both versions exist in your fic.

>“You smell like rain,” She said with a giggle.
Don't capitalize "She".

>“Has Mrs. Branch been treating you alright,” he asked as he set her down and took off his jacket.
Replace the comma with an interrogation mark.

>sang birthday songs, but you weren’t here for the birthday song
Only one birthday song (the second part), or more than one (the first part)?

>“What do you mean,” She said, her head tilting slightly.
“What do you mean?” she asked, her head tilting slightly.*

>“It’s a surprise, we can talk about it in a second; right now I need to go pay Mrs. Branch.”
Period instead of the semicolon. A comma after "right now".

>Cold Hoof walked into the living room, seeing Olive branch, and elderly olive colored, earth pony mare sitting in his reading chair next to a small fireplace. Apparently she had overheard their entire conversation.
Cold Hoof walked into the living room, saw Olive Branch, and elderly olive-colored earth pony mare sitting in his reading chair next to a small fireplace. Apparently, she had overheard their entire conversation.*

>I sure hope this something you have planned is good Cold Hoof
A comma after "is good".

>Cold Hoof felt a twinge of guilt; he hated leaving Lily alone
Period instead of the semicolon.

>“Thanks for watching her Olive; I really don’t know what I would do without you.” Cold Hoof smiled gratefully. “I hope she hasn’t been too much of a bother”

>Olive branch chuckled with amusement. “This little angel, never”
“Thanks for watching her, Olive. I really don’t know what I would do without you.” Cold Hoof smiled gratefully. “I hope she hasn’t been too much of a bother.”

Olive branch chuckled with amusement. “This little angel? Never!”*

>“Yes, and don’t worry dear,
A comma after "worry".

>Cold Hoof stopped her holding out his hoof.
A comma after "her".

>seeing Olive branch
seeing Olive Branch*

>“this… really means a lot to me olive, I hope you know that.”
Capitalize "this", "olive", and put a comma after "to me".

>The bags under his eyes
"The" shouldn't be capitalized.

>and unkept coat
and his unkept coat* (?)

>“you know with all the work I’ve had to do lately… well, if it wasn’t for you May Lily would have no one, and the stars know, she doesn’t have a whole-.”
“You know, with all the work I’ve had to do lately… Well, if it wasn’t for you, May Lily would have no one, and the stars know, she doesn’t have a whole—.”*

>Olive branch silenced him
Olive Branch silenced him

>“you just make sure that surprise is something special Cold, I’m sure you’ll both be fine.”
“You should just make sure that surprise is something special. Cold, I’m sure you’ll both be fine.”*

>“of course we will be fine, right dad?”
“Of course we will be fine! Right dad?”* sounds better, in my opinion.

>Cold Hoof looked contemplatingly at the door, water still dripping from his mane, though a little lighter than before.
Cold Hoof looked contemplatively at the door, some water still dripping from his mane, though a little less than before.*

>“Of course Lil.” He looked down at her and smiled. “We’ll be safe”
“Of course, Lil.” He looked down at her and smiled. “We’ll be safe.”*


Keep in mind that I didn't mention some expressions I didn't know if they were right or not.

Yes, I'd like to get his notes, please.

Last edited at Tue, Sep 10th, 2013 10:30

>> No. 128363
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128363
>>128362
First of all, let me thank you for this very extensive review, it seems there are a lot of flaws in my writing that I was unaware of(I think I could read more than half the chapter in your comments).

>Replace the semicolon with a colon. Actually, most of the time, a semicolon should not be used in literature. That's one of the rare things I'm sure of, so keep it in mind!
I read(http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Commas-semicolons-colons-dashes-and-ellipses) that there was an application for semi colons in fiction. It is not, however, something that I am an expert on.

Including some of the wilder rumors as well:
>wildest*
>And the sentences before and after that one are almost the same. Remove the first one.
About this, I believe that wilder should be acceptable here as the point was to tell the reader that the quotes that come after this sentence, are wilder than the ones preceding it. They aren't necessarily the wildest in the whole city.

>Is lord Hackett (should we write "Lord"?) Cold Hoof's patron? It's not really clear.
I capitalized Lord whenever it is a part of a title.
He is, I rewrote it so that "his patron" is replaced with the word him.

>I quote the English Wikipedia page for "racial equality": Racial equality (...) mostly deals with an equal regard to all races. Maybe it'd be better if you wrote "racial segregation" instead of "racial equality".
>And replace the semicolon with a period.
Most of these misunderstandings are my fault, I should have added a synopsis of the whole story for context.
The story is going to be called "Privileged", and takes place in an alternate universe where Celestia and Luna never existed, leaving the government to fall into the unicorn and pegasus races hands. As a result, earth ponies are heavily discriminated against. My story follows one of the few earth ponies residing in Canterlot.
It will be tagged with dark and alternate alternate universe.

>"leaving his home without it would have made him felt... naked."*
This edit feels kind of strange, I think you have an incongruity in your tenses.

I realize that this probably took forever to chew through, having to leave comments on almost every paragraph, and for that I thank you. If you want to start doing this regularly, it might pay to point out mistakes that are overly numerous to the author and tell them to fix it themselves. That way the author would(hopefully) also learn how to fix his mistakes in future writing.

I actually had a lot of fun reading your notes, so that's always nice. Although I had a few not-too-pleasant revelations about myself in the process. If my proofreader is to be relied upon I will post a link to a Google doc with his edits in this thread when he gets back to me.

Last edited at Tue, Sep 10th, 2013 13:28

>> No. 128364
>>128363
>I read(http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Commas-semicolons-colons-dashes-and-ellipses) that there was an application for semi colons in fiction. It is not, however, something that I am an expert on.
Sorry! I had read many guides which explained why it wasn't advised to do so, but I must have missed that part. Well, all what I said about the semicolons is irrelevant, I guess.

>Including some of the wilder rumors as well:
>wildest*
>And the sentences before and after that one are almost the same. Remove the first one.
>About this, I believe that wilder should be acceptable here as the point was to tell the reader that the quotes that come after this sentence, are wilder than the ones preceding it. They aren't necessarily the wildest in the whole city.
Then, shouldn't you write "Including [even] wilder rumors as well:" instead?

>>"leaving his home without it would have made him felt... naked."*
>This edit feels kind of strange, I think you have an incongruity in your tenses.
Yeah, I wasn't really sure about that one tbh. (Maybe "feeling" instead of "felt"?) But I can't really think of a better version; (dat semicolon!) if someone has a better idea for that sentence, don't hesitate...


Thank you for your advice (though it's hard to explain how to use commas properly, for example, but I'll try!), and good luck with your story! I'm looking forward to your prereader's response.

It was fun to do it, even if it was a bit long. I wonder how proofreaders do when they work on very long stories...

Last edited at Tue, Sep 10th, 2013 14:32

>> No. 128366
>>128364

>I had read many guides which explained why it wasn't advised to do so, but I must have missed that part.

You may also check >>82130 which is, despite the posting dates, right on the front page currently.
>> No. 128367
File 137886398178.png - (109.85KB , 276x354 , Just Hanging.png )
128367
>>128350
I left some grammatical comments in-document.

On the whole, this is an interesting opening to a story; my qualms are mainly with its establishment of premise and its lack of explicit conflict.

In the beginning of your story, it's not that you have a bad hook, but that you're setting this story in a darker version of Equestria than is present in the show. I'm all for that, however, you need to establish that fact fairly early on. I can sympathize with the difficulty of narrating an absence—it doesn't quite make sense to narrate, "If Celestia had existed, she would bake cakes, but she didn't exist." Still, you can be creative to introduce their absence; doesn't the show mention that before Celestia / Luna, mages raised the sun and moon? It's late enough in the day where you can mention something about the moon, especially if it's spring or fall-time in the story.

All in all, I felt that it was a little strong of a jump to go from mild earth pony racism related to the clockmaking (because that is a tad odd) straight to, "Oh, by the way, he'll get sent to Pony Auschwitz if he doesn't have his papers."

Which, you didn't go that far, but I digress. Part of suspension of disbelief is making sure you make things plausible enough to the readers that the rest of your story feels congruous enough to overlook small details; without an establishment of your world, it may be difficult.

Perhaps have the conversation with Lord Hackett before mentioning his illicit daughter?

The next biggest problem I had was that you don't really lead into a specific second chapter. Meaning, there's no real wants in this first chapter that are left unresolved. Hackett got his clock, Cold Hoof got home to his daughter, and this feels more like an complete—yet undeveloped—arc than the first section of one. It's not that your story needs to be completely predictable, but it's good to let the reader know something of what's going to happen in the next chapter.

Finally, your dialog punctuation needs work. This is especially important because two lines of dialogue with different punctuation can have different meanings:

>I waved. "Hi there, Mel!"

>He crossed his arms. "What."
>He crossed his arms. "What?"

I'll admit that I gave up on correcting your dialogue because... once you got to the end, the punctuation in dialogue got substantially rougher; this also makes your dialogue sound unnatural. I'm curious as to what happened here; the first two-thirds of the story were slightly rough (especially comma use and capitalization), but nowhere near as rough as your dialogue in the final third.

Finally... your story could do with some more scenery to build the individual scenes. There's the clockshop, the streets, and his apartment; really, all we got was some basic layout and the furniture of his apartment. There's a balance between too little scenery and too much; the key is to immerse the reader without drowning him or her in what color the dishes in the right-hand cabinet of the kitchen are (unless that is plot-relevant).

All in all, this wasn't bad; it just needs a little sanding, smoothing, and polishing. I wish you good luck, and hope that my insights are helpful.

>>128362
First and foremost, you did well to go out of your way to read someone's story and offer critique. Kudos, thank you, and welcome to /fic/.

I don't really have that many critiques on other peoples' reviewing style; I'm not that good of a reviewer myself. Someone once told me that the job of a reviewer / critic is to simply say the things you don't like about a story (and that you can optionally add in things you like about the story); I operate under those terms and can generally point out what I think a story could have done better.

That being said, I think you could have focused a little more on macro-level issues of storytelling. This piece had decent pacing and narrative voice, granted, so there wasn't much to critique; however, it is either supposed to be a chapter of something or to be self-contained. In the former case, it needed to set up the next chapter better; in the latter case, it needed more conflict that led to an emotionally impactful resolution at the end. You did, however, mention the disparity between the piece and the source material it is based on; similarly, I'm certain that there are things in my review that I forgot to mention (such as passive tense versus active tense).

All in all, you made a good effort, and you've got room to improve. Which is essentially the act of being a human who's trying to help.

Thank you.
>> No. 128369
>>128367
Thanks a lot for your comment.

Originally, I wanted to add that macro-review thing, but I simply forgot to do it after all these corrections. The only thing I could have said was that: perhaps the first chapter could have contained more information. What do we know at its end? Cold Hoof, the hero, is a clockmaker, he has an adoptive daughter, his patron is a Lord, and Canterlot is controlled by unicorns and pegasi who became racist for an untold reason. Plus, as you said, there's nothing that really foreshadowed a following chapter. Nothing really strange happened that day, after all, so why would the reader care to continue?

The semicolons thing put aside, is there any error I made in the proofreading?
>> No. 128370
File 137892342649.png - (193.79KB , 450x338 , jenna.png )
128370
>>128369
Not too many as far as I could tell, there were a few points where I disagreed with you. I think that is fairly common, value judgments and such.
>> No. 128371
>>128370
>He took to busying himself with another design while waiting for Hackett humming a tune softly.
You didn't mention the comma error here

>>noticed that under the coat, was absolutely nothing.
>Add a comma after "that".
It probably would work better to have been revised
>noticed that under the coat, there was absolutely nothing.

since "under the coat" being inserted as a comma-delimited aside doesn't quite make the sentence around it complete.


Yeah, though, the semicolon thing was a little extreme. Also, I'm not the best at grammar myself. When in doubt, pick up a Chicago Manual of Style and read about what you're looking for. They're cheap online or free to borrow at most libraries.
>> No. 128372
File 137893270676.png - (481.78KB , 1366x768 , 20120212161918!Pinkie_Pie_trampoline_jump_1_S1E26.png )
128372
>>128370
Eeyup.

>>128371
>He took to busying himself with another design while waiting for Hackett humming a tune softly.
>You didn't mention the comma error here
Simply because I rewrote the entire sentence, read that part again.

>>noticed that under the coat, was absolutely nothing.
>Add a comma after "that".
>It probably would work better to have been revised
>noticed that under the coat, there was absolutely nothing.

>since "under the coat" being inserted as a comma-delimited aside doesn't quite make the sentence around it complete.
Oops! I forgot it.

Well, I haven't done many errors in my reviews, so that's good. And now, I know what I should improve, so thank you all guys.

>When in doubt, pick up a Chicago Manual of Style and read about what you're looking for. They're cheap online or free to borrow at most libraries.
I'd love to, but I don't live in America nor any English-speaking countries. And I don't see myself buying that manual, even if it's cheap, just for a few grammatical things I don't know. After all, I'm not an "official" prereader (well, I'm not even a prereader, I'm more of a proofreader ATM actually...).
>> No. 128395
I'd like to do it again. If I get good enough at this, maybe I'll join a team of proofreaders/reviewers somewhere.

Same requirements. Anyone has a story for me?
>> No. 128400
File 137916711146.jpg - (33.57KB , 670x1191 , big_macspectations_by_docwario-d5xns16_png.jpg )
128400
EDIT: woops, didn't read the whole of the OP.
Also, that's the only thing I have that hasn't seen a red pen. At a glance, I saw some things worth correcting. Oh well. Wish I could help.

Last edited at Sat, Sep 14th, 2013 15:26

>> No. 128401
>>128400
>Short, crack shipping fic
>"No shipping" in the requirements
Furthermore, I don't think I have anything to critique in a story you wrote.
>> No. 128466
File 137950672207.jpg - (27.17KB , 864x518 , Jenna_bio.jpg )
128466
>>128362
My proofreader got back to me with some edits on the same story I had you look at a while back. You can see resolved comments by opening the comments tab on the top right.

I hope this helps you out in your reviewing adventures. I will be closing this document down about a week from sharing this, as I am not entirely comfortable having it lying around for too long.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mqYqaOrYUllxhgXRAetmt9eBGZ8x_fPjEA73ZDVOo1U/edit?usp=sharing
>> No. 128473
>>128400
Thank you all the same.

>>128466
Thanks! It's really interesting.


To everybody out there: I'd like to do it again. Do you have any story for me, please? (Requirements in the OP)

Last edited at Thu, Sep 19th, 2013 04:58

>> No. 128777
I wouldn't mind getting someone's thoughts on this. It won a small write-off about a year ago, but I haven't bothered revising it yet to send it in to Equestria Daily. I know it needs to be expanded/enriched in places, but I'm curious to see where you think it might help. This is a little over your word count (~3200), but on the other hand, it won't have any grammatical/mechanical problems, so that would save you a lot of effort. In fact, if there are places where you don't understand why the grammar is the way it is, I'll answer any questions you have.

Whichever version you prefer:
FiMFiction
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/47532/all-the-colors-of-the-rainbow
GDocs
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BILknokTpsxv9FKZP-LRB39CUvmEqEIg_02CVOGwqp8/edit
>> No. 128779
File 138090880180.png - (1.14MB , 1280x720 , Applejack,_Pinkie_Pie_and_Rainbow_Dash_S02E15.png )
128779
>>128777
The description should be changed, imho. We already know how the story is going to end just by reading its synopsis.

>Not fast enough.
I think you should add a few more sentences before that one.

>Warmth building on her muzzle, the trickle of tears freezing in place, clouds of water vapor forming around her shoulders and wings.
Warmth building on her muzzle, the trickle of tears freezing in place and clouds of water vapor forming around her shoulders and wings.*

>Optical distortions danced in front of her eyes as Rainbow fought to keep her body from wobbling, then finally...
The beginning sounds weird, maybe you should rewrite it?

>Flashbulbs ignited, reporters scribbled away on their notepads, and a white stallion screamed, “Yeah!”
You forgot the period at the end of the sentence.

>Cadance motioned toward the French doors
I'm not really good when it's about the English language, but I think "motioned" should be replaced with another word. It sounds too "formal".

>It means a lot that you were willing to do this for us.
It means a lot that you did this for us.*

>This is the first wedding in centuries to have a Sonic Rainboom.
The very first one, if I'm not mistaken.

>She looked up to see Fancy Pants smiling at her.
It's Fancypants.

>“I like somepony who can appreciate a good light show.”
Why does Rainbow say that?

>I regret that I can’t be as attentive a conversationalist as I should
Is this sentence correct?

>“Oh. So you’re done with me?” she asked, hanging her head. When she looked back up, he had left. She trudged toward the barn, but an orange streak nearly bowled her over.
New paragraph at "She trudged".

>Each hung from hooks in a piece of white pegboard
Is it correct? (Damn, I hate asking that question)


Overall, I think you should talk a bit more about Dash's feelings when she walks in the aisle of photographs. Basically, you're just (a bit) unemotionally repeating the same thing over and over again: Dash sees a painting, comes closer, says that it's great, add that it's from her, the artist reacts almost mockingly, and Dash leaves.

Also, maybe it's a bit short for the story you want to tell. Y'know, delving deeper into how Dash feels when she realizes a lot of ponies don't care about her, but about her Rainbooms, how these people took advantage of her abilities for different artworks, looking at her as if she was a mere way to earn money, etc.

I liked the story, though. Please note that I'm far from being good at reviewing (obviously), so maybe you should ask someone else for the final edits.
>> No. 128791
>>128779
Today is kind of hectic, but I will give you a response when I have time. I haven't forgotten about you!
>> No. 128794
>>128791
Take your time.
>> No. 128869
Maximal wordcount increased to 5000 words.


I can review another story while waiting for Pascoite's answer, so don't hesitate!
>> No. 128873
>>128779

>The description should be changed, imho. We already know how the story is going to end just by reading its synopsis.
True, but in a story this short, that's hard to avoid. There's one school of synopsis writing that says to provide a teaser, and another that says to simply tell what happens in the story. Certainly individual readers will be biased toward one or another, and I'm not sure there's a right answer here. In fact, it's not unusual for a story's ending to be evident from the synopsis, title, or first few paragraphs, but as I like to say, the journey is often more interesting than the destination. That said, I didn't put much thought into this synopsis, since it isn't ready for publication, so I'll probably come up with something different anyway.

>Warmth building on her muzzle, the trickle of tears freezing in place and clouds of water vapor forming around her shoulders and wings.
Technically, you are correct. What I had there was a sentence fragment (which you left as one, incidentally) without an "and" to finish the list. This was intentional. Rules can be broken, as long as the writer knows he's breaking the rule and is doing it to create a specific effect. Here, I was going for a feel that the narrator is close to Dash's perspective, and so is mirroring her thoughts and concentrating on what she's doing to the point that she is speaking very informally. How do you know whether something like this was intentional or not? Well, you can see how high the quality of the writing in general is. If the writer makes few mistakes, then you can consider that the ones that are there may be intentional. Then you can try to discern what effect he's going for and give feedback on whether or not you think he achieved it.

>>Flashbulbs ignited, reporters scribbled away on their notepads, and a white stallion screamed, “Yeah!”
>You forgot the period at the end of the sentence.
The exclamation mark in the quotes already counts as ending punctuation for the sentence since it ends there. It would be incorrect to add a period after it.

>>Cadance motioned toward the French doors
>I'm not really good when it's about the English language, but I think "motioned" should be replaced with another word. It sounds too "formal".
This is a common expression. It just means that she extended a hoof or something toward the door to indicate Dash should go that way.

>>It means a lot that you were willing to do this for us.
>It means a lot that you did this for us.
Well, the original wording expresses the appreciation that Dash did the rainboom, too, but adds that she was cheerful about it. It's more than just that fact that Dash did it, but that she wanted to. Everyone loves a cheerful giver.

>>This is the first wedding in centuries to have a Sonic Rainboom.
>The very first one, if I'm not mistaken.
The first that we know of. Canon has referred to the rainboom as a legend, meaning that it may have occurred before, but it's been so long that ponies begin to doubt whether that's true. However, as part of my story, I'm inventing that the legend is true, and way back then, it was also performed at a wedding.

>>“I like somepony who can appreciate a good light show.”
>Why does Rainbow say that?
She's just saying that she think Fancy Pants has good taste since he enjoyed the rainboom.

>>I regret that I can’t be as attentive a conversationalist as I should
>Is this sentence correct?
Yup, it's correct.

>>Each hung from hooks in a piece of white pegboard
>Is it correct?
Yup, that one's correct, too.

And your other advice about spending a little more time explaining how she feels in each situation is exactly what I plan to do.

On the grammar stuff, there really are a lot of rules to learn, and it's hard to take all that in without putting it into practice. The best way to familiarize yourself with it is to read a lot by authors that you trust to have good grammar and just expose yourself to as much as possible so it starts to come to you as a second nature.

Thank you for your time!

Last edited at Thu, Oct 10th, 2013 20:13

>> No. 128874
>>128873
I feel like you're the reviewer! I'm ashamed of myself when I read your answer, since almost nothing of what I said was correct.

About your advice: I'd love to, but I don't live in an English-speaking country, and I hate reading on a screen, so I don't usually read English stories.

Thank you, Pascoite. After all, the goal of this thread is to make me a better reviewer, not really to efficiently review other people's stories.
>> No. 128878
File 138165164873.jpg - (46.75KB , 743x416 , The Musics.jpg )
128878
>>128777
>>128779
From a mechanical standpoint, the only thing that stood out at me was the uncapitalized "yeah!" at the end of the first scene (it might not be technically wrong, but it felt wrong to me) and, in the first paragraph, I would have italicized / put "Not fast enough" as its own single-line paragraph to make it a highly emphasized direct thought.

Also,
>“What’s not—?”
I wouldn't usually put any punctuation after an em-dash.

Given that Pascoite has already answered / defended a lot of the mechanical points you brought up, I think it's a little redundant to chime in that my sense of grammar agrees with his in most cases (though, if he's as British as I think, shouldn't this story be titled "All the Colours?"). Instead, I'll mention that the unofficial MLP wiki is generally a good resource to double-check on certain characters' names like Big McIntosh, Apple Bloom, and other ponies [mlp.wikia.com].

Finally, I'll note that I'm not a fan of the passive tense at the beginning of the final scene (Rainbow was running late, etc.), especially two sentences in a row like that.

As a brief segue, I'll mention that grammar may not be your color, but that's not necessarily a reason to stop pointing out things you don't like. It gets the author thinking about things, and at the very least, you're learning things.

But grammar points aside, I mostly agree with the remainder of your review—a lot of the scenes felt a little short for what they were trying to convey. However, I'm not sure if that's just narrative efficiency. I will note that the dialogue seems to progress rather rapidly (especially in that one exchange in the first scene, where there are no attributions); it's not that the dialogue is weak, but that it seems a smidge unnaturally direct. So, while I agree with the points you made, I'm personally not sure I agree to the extent you do.

But, hey, you're a reviewer, and you're pointing out mistakes. Severity is only a function of priority, and frankly, this story didn't have a lot wrong in it to begin with. So, good job on the review; other than the grammar, this should probably teach you that the better a story is, the harder it is to coherently think of things that are wrong with it.
>> No. 128881
>>128878
Thank you very much for the review.

>the unofficial MLP wiki is generally a good resource to double-check on certain characters' names like Big McIntosh, Apple Bloom, and other ponies
I could have sworn having read on that website that it was "Fancypants" (and "Fleur de Lis", by the way). It must have been changed afterwards.
Anyways, what I want to say is: According to Rarity, Fancypants is THE most important pony in Canterlot, and he can often be found with a readily agreeable entourage. (from the website you linked here). It's the description from the MLP game (Gameloft), so I assume it's canon. (More than your "unofficial" MLP wiki, at least)

I highly appreciate your comments on my review. I'll try to remember them. Thank you, Nick. I hope we'll do that again!


(Another story to "review", guys?)

Last edited at Mon, Oct 14th, 2013 03:22

>> No. 128888
>>128878
>I wouldn't usually put any punctuation after an em-dash.
You can find well-regarded style guides to support either side of this argument. I personally like to put exclamation marks or question marks after a dash to complete the feel of the sentence. Likewise with a question mark after an ellipsis, but I do draw the line at an exclamation mark after an ellipsis. Trailing off emphatically just doesn't seem right.

>though, if he's as British as I think, shouldn't this story be titled "All the Colours?"
I'm surprised I gave that impression. I'm nearly as far from British as one can get, among native speakers, at least—American southeast, accent and all.

>>128881
Nick is correct—pointing out mechanical problems is fine if you see them, but equally important is the reviewer simply saying what felt odd or inconsistent to him, so it helps just to get that input. These things are more subjective, of course, and the author is free to accept or ignore what he pleases, but at least he does so armed with more information.
>> No. 128892
>>128888
Huh. I just assumed British because you were named after a mineral.

Fair enough on the punctuation after an em-dash; it's personal preference, and as long as you're "consistent" (which, I assume you only put a ! or ? after it, which are fairly uncommon marks compared to commas or periods) with it, it's nothing story-breaking.

Last edited at Mon, Oct 14th, 2013 12:57

>> No. 129203
Not sure if you still check your thread or not, but the story you review for me is going up on Equestria Daily soon. Thanks for the help!

And I figure bumping this thread to the front page can't hurt, either.
>> No. 129216
>>129203
I'm glad to know that. You're welcome, even though I didn't really help in the end. And thanks for the bump!
>> No. 129225
File 138573452457.png - (678.01KB , 1013x557 , Claiming.png )
129225
>>129216
Well, then, I'll take all the credit.

Not really.

Congratulations, Pascoite and Anon, on a job well done/aided.
>> No. 129226
File 138573829453.png - (302.27KB , 865x487 , Pinkie_Pie_Supermare_S2E3.png )
129226
>>129225
Thank you.


UPDATE: MAXIMAL WORDCOUNT INCREASED TO 10,000 WORDS.
>> No. 129227
>>128349 You could do "Twilight gets stung by a bee." It's a short story that I wrote. Link below.


http://www.fimfiction.net/story/117108/twilight-gets-stung-by-a-bee-and-other-short-stories
>> No. 129228
>>129227
>Comedy and Random tags
Read the OP, please.

Oh well, let's try. It isn't 2AM where I live, but here is the review...

Some errors I'll point out might be voluntary (play on words, ...).

>A long time ago in a universe far far away...
A comma after "ago".

>bee-snuiss
I got the pun with "bee", but not with "snuiss".

>extrodinary
extraordinary*

>This particular bee happened to be on top of a dandilion that she had found, busy pollinating.
New paragraph.
dandelion* (several occurrences)

>proantagonist
protagonist*

>It was about then that the proantagonist of our story comes in. You see, this story was never really about the bee. (...) No, this story is about a purple unicorn, one who is on a collision course with that bee.
Technically speaking, the bee is still a protagonist.

>She had somewhere to bee at all times, and never had a moment to herself. This was typical proceedure for her most days,
procedure*
It doesn't look like Twilight's life. Most of the time, she is at her library, not running to and fro.

>and when she did it was usually
A comma after "and" and "did".

>This particular day she
Comma after "day".

>she was getting a bunch of flowers and things together for Rarity (...) but is probably elsewhere doing non bee-related things.
was*
I don't see Twilight offering flowers to Rarity. Sure, it's nice and all, but... Do you get what I mean?

>But you see,
Comma after "But".

>one of her friends who is also not appearing in this story, and simply did not have time to inspect each and every flower for bees or any other undesireable hitchhikers.
Comma after "friends".
undesirable*
Maybe you should rephrase it, I had to read it twice to understand that you were talking about Twilight in the last part of that sentence.

>I suppose she should have brought her towel.
Why?

>she has never seen
had*

>This dandilion was suddenly floating, and purple, and worst of all, the bee was now stuck firmly to it.
Remove the first "and".
Shouldn't the "stuck" and "firmly" words exchange their position?

>our hero
heroine* (several occurrences)

>Miss Not-Appearing-in-this-fic
Be consistent. Uncapitalize "Appearing" or capitalize all the words.

>It eludes me why she did not think to make sure there WERE NO FRIGGIN BEES ON OR IN THE DANG DANDILION
Your explained it a bit earlier: she was in a "mighty hurry".

>This bee
The*

>Suddenly this now-purple dandilion was hurtaling its way
A comma after "Suddenly".
hurtling*

>bringing her and it closer to the end of their short, sad existaince.
itself*, existence*

>bee-life
Unless it's a pun, remove the "bee-".

>The plight of our little bee was completely lost on her, and none of the events that transpired were anywhere near her convoluted train of thought, instead being shut out by thoughts of how she hated the cliffhanger at the end of the Encyclepidia Ponica, D-E.
Repetition with "lost on her".
The expression "lost on" is repeated twice in two sentences in a row.
Encyclop[a]edia*
What does "D-E" mean?

>It was evident that unless she acted fast she would be nothing more than a bit of extra protien.
Comma after "that" and "fast".
Instead of "fast": "quickly" sounds better, imho.
protein*

>Suddenly, the purple... thing surrounding the poor thing broke
Two "things" in a row.

>Unfortunately, that event imedietely coencided with one similar event, that being the giant purple thing closing its mouth.
immediately*, coincided*
"with a similar one" instead of "with one similar event" (to avoid the repetition)
"the giant purple thing": "purple" and "thing" are repeated too often, imo.
And I don't get what is the "purple thing" that broke in the previous sentence.

>It dawned on the insect that thouh it was now free to fly, the space was very limited, and were she to fly too far she could be caught in the shiny, slightly off-white deathtraps we commonly know as molars.
though*
"if she flied too far," instead of "were she to fly too far"

>She pondered the irony of the phrase "never judge a book by its cover"
Remove the extra space between "phrase" and the quote.
A colon after "phrase" (which should be changed to "expression", imo).

>Understandanly
Understandably*

>equivelant
equivalent*

>stifeling
stifling*


On the whole, I see a lot of repetitions (though it might be intentional and/or normal in regular literature).

Good luck! I hope that a "real" reviewer will help you better than I do. (And I hope that he'll post his review here...)
>> No. 129624
File 139137522326.jpg - (9.90KB , 320x240 , jenna aurora borealis.jpg )
129624
Well, PinkieAnon, I'm back. I'm not certain if you are actually still around, but let's hope you are ^_^.

I've got something short(like, really short) that I wouldn't mind if you took a look at. I've been working on my show vs. tell, and I was hoping you could maybe give me some input on how I am doing. Other than that, any other mistakes or shortcomings that you can spot are of course appreciated.

The piece is the introduction to a longer story that I am hoping I will find the motivation to write at some point, and should not be regarded as a wholly completed story, but rather, as the attempts at writing the introduction for a story.
link [docs.google.com]

Last edited at Sun, Feb 2nd, 2014 14:11

>> No. 129794
>>129624
I'm sorry for the delay.


>very honored to prepare a room for you
"very honored to do so" sounds better, imo.

> Pinkie had been
exploring the bed.
Remove the newline.
She "explores" the bed? As if she never saw a bed in her life?
She looks everywhere, under the bed, the throws, the pillow, ...? Or just bounces on it?

>The first of the three wore a fine vest
"was wearing"* (?)

>her breast pocket and had the words 'Royal Amusement Manager' inscribed upon her vest, below said pocket.
"her breast pocket and, below it, upon her vest, were inscribed the words 'Royal Amusement Manager'"*

>steel rimmed
"steel-rimmed"*

>The newly-arrived pony's plus-ones
What does "plus-one" mean?

>a figurative waterfall of words
Remove the word "figurative".

>"Oh my gosh, I am so happy to see you guys."
A little exclamation mark at the end would be great. Same thing for the next sentence from Pinkie.

>Celestia, though, silenced her with a hoof.
Imo, you cannot silence someone if they're not making noise beforehand. Use an expression like "to nip in the bud"?

>two way
two-way*

Isn't Celestia's explication a little short? Pinkie probably doesn't know how to use the mirror.

>I invited Pinkie here
"I've invited Pinkie here"* (?)

>projectvery seriously
Missing space.

>The secretary (because this one was a secretary) looked slightly frightened
I'm not sure about the parentheses.
"was looking"* (?)

>something I
need to
Remove the newline.

>as she had since she entered, as if sizing her up
I don't understand what it means, sorry.

>orwine tasting
Missing space.

>would
have considered.
Remove the newline.

>the awning window that the room had come equipped with
"the awning window" should suffice.

>that you came with just now.
Missing quotation mark.

>staring the portly pony down.
Who is that pony? Somepony in the street?

>confident expression
as she spoke.
Remove the newline.

>the pony’ game is.
Missing quotation mark.

>And I suppose you'll want to talk about the food as well...?
Quotation marks?

>And then I also suppose - oh goodness me, I didn't mean to yawn, it's just that - Oh Celestia am I tired.
Quotation marks?
I'd prefer em-dashes.
"Oh Celestia, I am tired"*
The sentence looks a bit awkward: apparently, there are two consecutives self-interruptions. Also, the latest one isn't needed, it's a continuation of the previous one.

>I think that is the fastest I have ever planned a Gala
fastest time*
Capitalize "gala" elsewhere or remove the capitalization here. I'd suggest the former.

>by you Pinkie
"by you, Pinkie"*

>Pinkie Just
Uncapitalize "Just".

>She calmly walked towards the door, prodding one of the sleeping secretaries on her way out.
Would Pinkie do that? Wouldn't she bounce over her, as she always does in the show?
>> No. 129799
Are you open to new review requests, or was that just wrapping up an old one before leaving again?
>> No. 129800
>>129799
I'm still open to new review requests.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 2nd, 2014 04:18

>> No. 129803
File 139376761782.png - (950.03KB , 1057x755 , ChangelingBehemoths.png )
129803
>>129800
If you have today open, I'd love a lightning-review on this story, which is for the Everfree Fiction Contest. Just general impressions and noting any major mistakes since the contest closes tonight and I won't have time for major revisions. Commenting is enabled for all users.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1owpZa0xqIglgJZTzm2lCJ4_0jE0mFBxJ2kAVO3r8ja0/edit

Much obliged.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 2nd, 2014 06:43

>> No. 129805
>>129803
Sorry, for many reasons I don't want to comment on the GoogleDoc.


>Her retinue did their best to shut their ear canals as they prepared for the two-hundred fifty-third repeat of their queen’s tirade. “Hissssssssss. That... that female canine shall pay dearly for stealing my beloved!” Bitter dark chocolate and sweet cherry filling stayed in her mouth for mere moments before being spat out, not due to any faults of its own, with an equal amount of venom in both the literal and metaphorical sense. “She ruined everything! Oh, my sweet Shining Armor, I did not know the feelings I felt then. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and only now do I understand it.”
Is Chrysalis drunk? I assume the sweets contain alcohol.
What does "female canine" means here? Cadance? She doesn't look dog-like.

>the antiquated entertainment
Which is? Impersonating somepony?

>I’m monologuing
Imo, it'd be better if you choose another expression, preferably one which mentions her sadness.

>Drone Eight-Zero-Zero-Eight-One-Three-Five
A drone is mechanical, changelings aren't.

>“Never gonna give you up—”
Are you sure you want to put that song here? Same thing for the EQG reference. Equestria dwellers aren't supposed to know them.

>imponyating
Use this word for "impersonating", or the other way around.

>She still didn’t know why they couldn’t simply say they were gay for Braeburn. In fact, after feasting on the love of a thousand fans, thin as it was from the simple prepubescent idolisation, she was feeling rather gay herself.
I advise you not to talk about that.


The level language might be a little too purple? It's hard to tell from my position.


I cannot end my review, since you're working on it right now. Last sentence right now:
>Even drone #8008135 had made himself useful by proving adept at slapstick comedy during the breaks at concerts.

Last edited at Sun, Mar 2nd, 2014 07:58

>> No. 129806
>>129805
>Is Chrysalis drunk?
No.

>What does "female canine" means here? Cadance? She doesn't look dog-like.
Bitch: Female of any member of the dog family

>Which is? Impersonating somepony?
Stage acting.

>Imo, it'd be better if you choose another expression, preferably one which mentions her sadness.
Changed to soliloquy.

>A drone is mechanical, changelings aren't.
Drone: Stingless male bee in a colony of social bees (especially honeybees) whose sole function is to mate with the queen.
Frequently applied to workers in hivemind cultures.

>Use this word for "impersonating", or the other way around.
Changed instances of "impersonate" to "imponynate".

>I advise you not to talk about that.
Removed "prepubescent" to avoid possible unfortunate inferences.


The story is done now if you care to read further; I didn't expect you to reply so quickly. Thank you for your assistance and advice and may you have a pleasant day.
>> No. 129807
Ah, missed this:
>Are you sure you want to put that song here? Same thing for the EQG reference. Equestria dwellers aren't supposed to know them.
The story is a ostensibly a comedy, so I'm going to wave the Rule of Funny card here. Also, Equestria Girls is debatable since the main cast sings it, even if it isn't within the context of the show, but that's just speculation.
>> No. 129808
>>129807
You can edit your previous post ;) I've nothing to add with the newest version. I hope that your story gets the attention it deserves.
>> No. 130189
Title: No Place for a Dressmaker in War

Word Count: 5,683 total

Description: First Rainbow Dash, then Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie and then Applejack. All of them joined the war effort one after another. Twilight was always part of it, even before the newspapers first announced the approaching conflict. Rarity was left all alone in Ponyville. There was no place for her. Even with her accomplishments, war is an entirely different beast.

But a friend doesn't let their friends go through hard times alone. Rarity must join the efforts somehow. But what place does a Dressmaker have in War?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/129209/no-place-for-a-dressmaker-in-war
>> No. 130257
>>130189
>“Hold the fort”
Uncapitalize "Hold" and add a comma after the quote.

>Art of War
I'd uncapitalize these words. Actually, I wouldn't use that expression.

>She was the last to leave after securing extra help at the farm.
Twilight Sparkle is the last pony to leave, according to your description.

>it shouldn't have been surprise
"it shouldn't have been a surprise"*

>Some say it is mad to expect soldiers to laugh in the mist of war.
midst*

>Twilight..
One more period, please. (Several occurences, use Ctrl+F)

>But there is no place for a dressmaker in War.
(All the occurences of "War", actually)
I understand the capitalization of "War", but I don't really think it fits here. Same goes for "Dressmaker".

>The majority of my newest requests I fear will be for
I'm not sure whether this is correct, so here's my version:
"I fear that the majority of my newest requests will be for"*

>the soldiers who return but never come home.
I think you should add "will" after "who". Also, I'd rephrase that part, so as to avoid repeating the same thing ("return" and "come home").

>As it is meant to be but I hate it none the less.
"As it is meant to be, but I hate it nonetheless."

>especially one with a love of gems.
Irrelevant. Pinkie loves candies, does that mean there's no place for her in a war? From a strictly canon point of view, yes. It's MLP after all. But let's stick to your story.

>I put my frustration into those gems and threw them across the room.
This is supposed to be a "violent" scene but you flatly describe it, and a pinch of subtlety would be great.

The paragraph about how she gets an idea with the jewels is a bit too short, imo. Actually, the whole story and each of its parts is way too short, especially for such a theme, but I guess you didn't want to tell an entire story about a war, did you?

>what I willed for them until I could form them into whatever I pleased.
You're repeating the same thing.

>Who wouldn't want to serve under the newest Princess.
Replace the period with an interrogation mark.

>But I had reasons other than fame to join.
So everypony who's in the line is here only because they're trying to get some fame, not because they want to end the war? That's a bit exaggerated, isn't it?

>brutish though and though.
I don't know that expression. There are 3 "though" in 2 sentences.

>“And that brings me here, Twilight.”
"“... and that brings me here, Twilight,”

Cute end, but she also has a place in the war (the deadly jewels).


Chapter 2... I'd like to make sure you've read this review before doing the next one.
>> No. 130259
>>130257
I'm actually going to be re-writting the story per the advice of another reviewer. The first chapter at least.

I wrote the first chapter with the idea that it was going to be just a submission based on the 30 minute prompts blog that I used to subscribe to. However, it got so much attention that I wrote a second chapter to fulfill the desire for it.

What I will do is take what you have here, fix up the 'Chapter 1' I have in there and then keep note of it when I re-write it. I will be expanding the jewel training, making clearer a few elements, fixing up some plotholes and hopefully making the entire thing a lot more enjoyable.
>> No. 130264
>>130259
Good luck. Do you want me to review the second chapter, or are you going to modify it as well?

Last edited at Sun, Apr 27th, 2014 03:59

>> No. 130267
>>130264
I'm not sure if the second chapter is in first person or not. Feel free to, it is the better of the two in my opinion.
>> No. 130292
>>130267
It's indeed in first person view.

I apologize for the numerous "(?)" and "I don't get what it's supposed to mean."-like comments that will appear below, English isn't my mother tongue.


>Clamping ones jaw
"Clamping one's jaw"*

>to keep focus on duty
"to keep focus on their duty"* (?)

>this testing times
these*

>The boring part of being a Princess that pretending little fillies never hear about.
I don't get what it's supposed to mean.

>It would always start the same:
"It would always start the same way:"* (?)
Uncapitalize the "They" right after that.

>Of course, he would be in charge of deciding who can and can not become Alicorns.
she*

>a scroll from a stack next to her, one with the name of the speaker on it
I don't get what it's supposed to mean.

>One stallion, with a rather ironic name
Say what his name is, or don't mention it at all.

>Some of them had backup plans, to leave the country should their demands not be met but ever prepared Twilight had that covered already.
Add a comma right before "but".
ever-prepared* (?)

>her requests of support for the war effort. It was almost unnerving.
"*her requests of support for the war effort, was almost unnerving."*
merchantponies* ?

>But she wasn't invincible to the weariness of it all, the sun started to slip towards the horizon.
Add the word "and" after the comma.

>Soon Luna will continue the cycle and bring forth the Moon and the beautifully quiet night will usher in a time of sleep.
A comma after "Soon" (?).
would* (x2)

>the Throne
Remove the extra space.

>Her eyes growing as heavy as her head as judging how both started to droop and nod.
If her eyes are indeed "growing as heavy as her head", then you can directly see it, you don't have to rely on other signs. Plus, only the head nods, not the eyes, and vice versa for the verb "droop".

>make sure that you are the first to get to visit next week
I don't get what it's supposed to mean.

>OH is that a Hickey-Freepony suit? Oh I just love their designs and it fits you so perfectly, follows the lines of your shoulder so well and you accent your eyes wonderfully with that tie. Oh and your mane, so expertly coiffed, it's to die for.
A few exclamation marks would be great, imo.

>the last thing he saw before the doors closed on him. I'm sure he must be wondering at that moment how he got outside so suddenly.
Who is "he" referring to, here?

>she arched her back
She*

>Librarian
librarian*

>I had to shake my head softly to push away the sweet memories, I had a duty now.
I'd replace the comma with a colon or a semicolon.

>Well you will have to
A comma after "Well".

>reading their spears
I don't know that expression.

>Twilight looked to me, there was a small hint of fear in her eyes but she kept it suppressed for the moral of the guards
I'm not sure whether it's correct. Personnaly, I'd use: "Twilight looked at me,"*
Replace the comma with a period.
I don't like the expression: "to keep something suppressed", I'd use: "to keep something hidden" instead.

>All around, pony eyes searched the room, my own most of all.
"All around, eyes examined the room, mine most of all."* (?) (The wording with "eyes" sounds odd)

>Something had sent the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end, sent the command flying from my lips.
I don't get what it's supposed to mean.

>the flashing magics of Twilight's shield
flashes* would be better, imho.

>I now understood
"At this moment, I undestood"*

>the would be assassin
would-be*

>driving him back and making him land with a hard thud in the circle, not far from where he made the attempt.
"it", not "him" nor "he". You used "it" everywhere else.

>Magic is exhausting to use after a time
I'm not sure whether it's correct. I'd prefer: "Magic is exhausting to use after a while"*

>it would grow weary before I
"it would grow weary before me"*

>And soon enough the sound of blades
A comma after "And" and "enough".

>, looks like the pony is getting desperate."
Remove the comma.

>three pegasi shot up
Who are the pegasi?

>It hacked out
it*

>before it charged me, rapid flashes of metal cutting through the darkness sought my white coat so it may be bathed in red.
Remove the extra space right before "rapid".
Add the word "and" after the comma.

>The thing laughed,
Replace the comma with a period.

>I push
"I pushed"* (Several occurences)

>for the first time this evening.
"for the first time of this evening."*

>glad to not be under such pressure
Split-infinitive... Well, if you want.

>"What game are you playing at, Pony?"
Remove the "at" (?).
I'd uncapitalize "Pony".

>to your death and the death of your Princess?
"to your death and your princess's?"* (or: "to your death and your Princess'?"*)

>I didn't speak for several moments,
seconds*

>measured by seconds.
"measured in seconds."* (?)

>Capitan Rarity,
Captain* (?)

>as blood and thick ooze flowed from them
"ooze" isn't a common noun?
A determinant is needed.

>so that the soundproofing was released.
Yeah, these shields are useful if you want to be quiet. :) Not a single soul, err, sound, can get through.

>Twilight, Twilight darling are you alright?"
Add a comma after "darling".
I'd add a comma before "darling" as well.

>Twilight was quick to respond as they reached forward and wrapped her hooves around my neck.
Who is "they" referring to?

>for the first time feel
felt*

>weariness of combat come over me.
coming*

>two allnighters back
all-nighters*
Is "back" necessary here?

>I have
had*

>flanked by Night Guard
Add the word "the" or "her" right after "by".

>looked back to me
I'm not sure whether it's correct. Personnaly, I'd use: "looked back at me,"*

>"So.. where will I be sleeping."
Replace the period with an interrogation mark.

>jerkin
jerking* (which isn't a common noun... ? The determinant is missing.)

>I look to Twilight
Past tense.
I'm not sure whether it's correct. Personnaly, I'd use: "I looked at Twilight,"*


CTRL+F every apostrophe, the only ones (?) that should be here are "one's" and "princess's". Everything else is a contraction or a "it's" which should be replaced with "its".
>> No. 130297
>>130292
Wow. Maybe I should re-read my own works a little more harshly than I have.

Did you enjoy it at least?
>> No. 130301
>>130297
I liked the prose (at least, the parts I could understand), and the end of each chapter was quite good. Maybe a little more interaction with the characters would have been interesting, especially during the battle?
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