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No. 128362
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>>128350 Sorry, for many reasons I don't want to comment on the GoogleDoc.
Here it is:
>Most clockmakers relied upon their magic to work the finer gears and mechanisms of the clock; they used their innate telekinetic abilities to construct the delicate devices. Replace the semicolon with a colon. Actually, most of the time, a semicolon should not be used in literature. That's one of the rare things I'm sure of, so keep it in mind!
>This clockmaker however, was an earth pony, the advantages and social standing given to others at birth didn’t pertain to him. Add a comma right after "clockmaker". I also think you should replace the comma right after "earth pony" with a colon, but I may be wrong. Plus, simply saying "to others" means that you're referring to everypony else than Cold Hoof, including the other earth ponies. You wanted to refer to unicorns only. Oh, and a little thing: why did you mention the social standing? You didn't talk about it in the previous paragraph, so you shouldn't mention it in a following sentence containing "however". You shouldn't add something else, that's a little off-topic.
>Nopony could deny however, that he made the finest clockwork in the whole district, perhaps the finest in all of Canterlot. A comma after "deny". You used "finest" twice. I don't really know if it's okay or not, but I'd have changed the second word for a synonym.
How you wrote the rumors kind of disturbs me, and I can't really tell why. The first sentence of the rumors should end with a period or an ellipsis. That part is quite strange: "I will never learn to understand": "I will never understand it..." should be better.
>Including some of the wilder rumors as well: wildest* And the sentences before and after that one are almost the same. Remove the first one.
>He liked to believe that the adversity he had faced, played a key component in the design and production of the clocks, making them different than anything you would find elsewhere. Remove the first comma. "the clocks" => "his clocks"
>Today was her 7’nth birthday, and Cold Hoof couldn’t wait to get home to her and celebrate it. her seventh birthday*
>She was kept secret, of course; earth ponies weren’t allowed to have unicorn children in their custody. It should start a new paragraph. Replace the semicolon with a colon.
>Penalties for the crime of child abduction and earth pony parenthood of a unicorn or Pegasus child could range from death by guillotine, to death by firing squad, neither of which was particularly high on Cold Hoof’s list of priorities. You didn't change the topic, so it shouldn't be on a new paragraph, just continue the previous one. pegasus*, OR capitalize the other races. No comma after "guillotine". Also, this is really dark, very different from the MLP universe. Are trying to write a "Dark" story? If yes, you should do some work so as to explain why the cheery atmosphere of our pastel-coloured ponies suddenly became like that. Read some guides (the Omnibus, the writing guide on fimfiction, etc.), more precisely what they say about Dark stories. They all explain this topic much better than I would. If not, describe a much lesser violent punishment.
>He had to look lively; only one more scheduled appointment for the day, and lord Hackett didn’t appreciate slouching. Replace the semicolon with a period. "There was only one more" instead of "only one more".
>He took to busying himself with another design while waiting for Hackett humming a tune softly. Humming a tune softly, he took to busying himself with another design while waiting for (lord?) Hackett.*
>Just as he was engrossed in fitting a cog into place he heard the tinkle of the shops bell. Put a comma after "into place". shop's bell*
>When Cold Hoof looked up he saw the easily recognizable shape of a large white unicorn, a cutie mark depicting a golden scale emblazoned upon his flank. A comma after "looked up". The "emblazoned" word doesn't sound well for me: cutie marks aren't blazons.
>Cold Hoof had dealt with lord Hackett often and held a great deal of respect for his patron as a result. Is lord Hackett (should we write "Lord"?) Cold Hoof's patron? It's not really clear.
>Despite being a prominent figure within the peacekeepers Hackett often came off as open minded and mild in judgment, the very inverse of the peacekeepers. Despite being a prominent figure within the peacekeepers, (lord?) Hackett often came off as open-minded and mild in judgement, the very inverse of his colleagues.*
>Adding further to lord Hacketts favor was the fact that he was the only non-earth pony that had never done verbal or physical harm to Cold Hoof. Adding more to his importance for Cold Hoof was the fact that he was the only non-earth pony that had never done verbal or physical harm to him.*
>Though he spoke very rarely of his job, Cold Hoof got the distinct feeling that he was the only reason that high overseer ruby shard hadn’t replaced every punishment in the book of law with execution or banishment. Hackett was in a sense, the perfect balance for ruby’s ruthless dedication to justice. I had to read it twice to understand that "ruby shard" was actually somepony. Even now, I'm not 100% sure. If it's the case: capitalize his name! "Ruby Shard". "that high overseer" => "that the high overseer". I feel like this story is a Dark one... Maybe it's better if you capitalize "the book of law" to "The Book of Law". It adds much more importance to this book, hence making the reader really understand how serious Ruby Shard is when it's about justice. with an execution or a banishment* A comma after "Hackett was". By the way, shouldn't OCs have a name that already exists? More precisely, a noun or an adjective+a noun? Twilight, Cloudchaser, Cloudy Skies, Rarity... The name "Hackett" doesn't seem to fit that rule.
>“It’s good to see you Lord Hackett,” Cold Hoof said with a smile. “I have your design out back, would you like to pick it up today, or do you come with a different affair in mind?” A comma after "see you". did you come*
>“Just the watch please,” Hackett said, bearing a neutral expression. Comma after "watch".
>It had taken well over a week’s worth of work, but the result was well worth it; the watch Replace the semicolon with a colon.
>with rays spreading from its horn. his horn* (though I'm not sure)
>The engraving, hand painted hand-painted*
>When Cold Hoof returned from the workshop he found Hackett Comma after "the workshop".
>“What? Oh yes, of course” he exclaimed, shaken from his reverie. “I am afraid I haven’t been in my right state of mind lately; let me have a look at it.” Add an exclamation mark after "of course". Replace the semicolon with a period.
>“Business matter, I am forbidden to indulge any information about it” He stated Put a comma after "about it", don't capitalize "He".
>Canterlot was in pieces; Frequent earth pony uprisings all over the country had led to the installation of martial law. A period instead of the semicolon. I think "application" sounds better than "installation" here.
>They held the equestrian guard, and equestrian flight divisions respectively. They respectively held the divisions of the equestrian guard and the equestrian flight.*
>outcast from the city; the city peacekeepers A colon instead of a semicolon.
>It did sting a little though, as an earth pony Replace the comma with a period or a colon.
>and was forced to carry picture ID with him at all times. and was forced to carry an identification document with him at all times.* I think it makes more sense.
>Cold Hoof felt for the cause of racial equality, but he also knew that there was no way the nobility would give up its seat in power. The easiest way for him to survive was to stay right where he was; racial equality or not, life as a clockmaker suited him. I quote the English Wikipedia page for "racial equality": Racial equality (...) mostly deals with an equal regard to all races. Maybe it'd be better if you wrote "racial segregation" instead of "racial equality". And replace the semicolon with a period.
>“Of course, I understand sir; would you like an explanation of the watch’s operations?” Cold Hoof replied with a smile “Of course, mylord, I understand," Cold Hoof replied with a smile. "Would you like an explanation of the watch’s operations?”* And I would replace every "sir" Cold Hoof says with "mylord".
>he donned a thick sheep wool jacket he donned a thick sheep's wool jacket*
>He shivered a little; overhead He shivered a little. Overhead*
>covered the areas that pegasi would normally have their wings folded covered the areas where pegasi would normally have their wings folded
>making the ponies he passed assume he was a pegasus Replace "assume" with "assuming".
>The Coat was his cover, his mask; leaving his home without it felt… naked. Kill that semicolon. "leaving his home without it would have made him felt... naked."*
>intentionally or unintentionally intentionally or not*
>noticed that under the coat, was absolutely nothing. Add a comma after "that".
>This scene, and many more like it Remove the comma.
>Letting the sound of droplets, dripping from his mane to the floor, distract him for a moment. He let the sound of droplets, dripping from his mane to the floor, distract him for a moment.*
>by the name of May Lilly and pinned May Lily or May Lilly? Both versions exist in your fic.
>“You smell like rain,” She said with a giggle. Don't capitalize "She".
>“Has Mrs. Branch been treating you alright,” he asked as he set her down and took off his jacket. Replace the comma with an interrogation mark.
>sang birthday songs, but you weren’t here for the birthday song Only one birthday song (the second part), or more than one (the first part)?
>“What do you mean,” She said, her head tilting slightly. “What do you mean?” she asked, her head tilting slightly.*
>“It’s a surprise, we can talk about it in a second; right now I need to go pay Mrs. Branch.” Period instead of the semicolon. A comma after "right now".
>Cold Hoof walked into the living room, seeing Olive branch, and elderly olive colored, earth pony mare sitting in his reading chair next to a small fireplace. Apparently she had overheard their entire conversation. Cold Hoof walked into the living room, saw Olive Branch, and elderly olive-colored earth pony mare sitting in his reading chair next to a small fireplace. Apparently, she had overheard their entire conversation.*
>I sure hope this something you have planned is good Cold Hoof A comma after "is good".
>Cold Hoof felt a twinge of guilt; he hated leaving Lily alone Period instead of the semicolon.
>“Thanks for watching her Olive; I really don’t know what I would do without you.” Cold Hoof smiled gratefully. “I hope she hasn’t been too much of a bother”
>Olive branch chuckled with amusement. “This little angel, never” “Thanks for watching her, Olive. I really don’t know what I would do without you.” Cold Hoof smiled gratefully. “I hope she hasn’t been too much of a bother.”
Olive branch chuckled with amusement. “This little angel? Never!”*
>“Yes, and don’t worry dear, A comma after "worry".
>Cold Hoof stopped her holding out his hoof. A comma after "her".
>seeing Olive branch seeing Olive Branch*
>“this… really means a lot to me olive, I hope you know that.” Capitalize "this", "olive", and put a comma after "to me".
>The bags under his eyes "The" shouldn't be capitalized.
>and unkept coat and his unkept coat* (?)
>“you know with all the work I’ve had to do lately… well, if it wasn’t for you May Lily would have no one, and the stars know, she doesn’t have a whole-.” “You know, with all the work I’ve had to do lately… Well, if it wasn’t for you, May Lily would have no one, and the stars know, she doesn’t have a whole—.”*
>Olive branch silenced him Olive Branch silenced him
>“you just make sure that surprise is something special Cold, I’m sure you’ll both be fine.” “You should just make sure that surprise is something special. Cold, I’m sure you’ll both be fine.”*
>“of course we will be fine, right dad?” “Of course we will be fine! Right dad?”* sounds better, in my opinion.
>Cold Hoof looked contemplatingly at the door, water still dripping from his mane, though a little lighter than before. Cold Hoof looked contemplatively at the door, some water still dripping from his mane, though a little less than before.*
>“Of course Lil.” He looked down at her and smiled. “We’ll be safe” “Of course, Lil.” He looked down at her and smiled. “We’ll be safe.”*
Keep in mind that I didn't mention some expressions I didn't know if they were right or not.
Yes, I'd like to get his notes, please.
Last edited at Tue, Sep 10th, 2013 10:30
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