>>
|
No. 131325
Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.
This may be a long enough list to seem intimidating. It really isn't. I was very thorough, and a lot of this is multiple instances of the same things. There's more of an explanation in the wrap-up comments at the end, but first, I want to make it clear that I want to see this story come back so I can post it.
>whole blocks of buildings laid dark and deserted// Lay/lie confusion. You want "lay" here. "Laid" requires a direct object.
>Shops had cheerfully opened during the day, catering to last-minute shoppers and decorators. But their doors closed early, and their workers were retired to their own homes and parties.// You basically already said this. In fact, the "were retired to their own homes" part is a direct repetition.
>The illusion would be ruined in a moment upon peering inside.// I'm seeing a fair amount of passive voice already, not to the point that I'd say it's off-putting yet, but keep it in mind. Most of them would be easy to rephrase in an active manner.
>Heaven// Why is this capitalized?
>who every pony should at least try to hang out with// Whom. If you want to be really correct, move the "with" to the front of this phrase.
>Getting your donuts from the café frequented by, say, Fleur De Lis was far and away worth the extra cost.// This is pretty much the identical information and phrasing you gave me to end the previous paragraph.
I'm three screens in, and it's already starting to drag on me. Here's why:
A lot of the physical description of the restaurant is irrelevant. There's some minimal amount that's necessary to set the scene, and you're far past that. Most of the rest does nothing but reinforce the point you've already made about the place looking run-down. Then we get o the descriptions of the donuts, and the narration even more starts addressing the reader as "you." This can be problematic, as it raises questions about who the narrator is, why he wants to tell me the story, what my role is, and why I want to listen. So when we even start getting dialogue from a generic cardboard cutout of a character, it just cements to me that all the opening so far has been pretty generic.
The reader is here for the characters and the plot. It's a good idea to get to one or the other quickly. There's plenty of time to work in atmosphere, particularly when it's pertinent to what's happening. So far, I have zero idea what the story is about, and absolutely nothing has happened. I've only been introduced to one character, and I barely know anything about him—only that he owns a rough-looking restaurant and is overweight. After this, we finally get into some characterization from him. It would do you well to trim the fat from this introductory section.
>business pony Probably one word, like "businessman."
>passer-byes// passersby
>on their way to parties// Repetitive again. You mentioned ponies on their way to homes, parties, hotels...
>They were always long gone by the time the customers arrived.// I'm not sure whom "they" refers to here. The ponies on their way to parties? It doesn't really make sense.
>Lightning Dust. The youngest of his regulars, and definitely the easiest on the eyes. She’d probably gotten a lot of praise for her looks, and her athletic frame showed she hadn’t taken them for granted.// So you're going to shift into a subjective narration in Joe's perspective? This is kind of a jarring disconnect from the voice that you've used up to now, who spoke to the reader and expressed opinions about Joe's restaurant that he wouldn't hold himself.
>99%// Write it out.
>high risk// Hyphenate.
>her bits finally ran dry// Repetitive with the use of "dry" earlier in the paragraph.
>She seemed mad enough to storm out// Show me. All she's done so far is scowl, so I have no indication of her mood, except that the narrator's told me very bluntly here, but I don't get to see it.
>Rolling her eyes in the most exaggerated motion she could manage// Why the shift into Lightning's perspective here? Joe wouldn't know what she could or couldn't manage. Honestly, I'd cut all of this phrase after "eyes."
>her sulky chewing lost to the distance// "Lost to the distance" is kind of an awkward phrasing, and if it really is lost, how does Joe hear it?
>to never// Swap these words.
>triggered by Gilda of all ponies// Gilda's not a pony...
>27// Spell it out.
>“I’m surprised to see you tonight, Blues.” Lightning offered.// Dialogue punctuation.
>Blueblood pressed his lips// Did you mean "pursed"?
>Yo Donut Pony!// Needs a comma for direct address.
>’Evening// Why the apostrophe? What letters is he skipping?
>with disinterested courtesy// Given that you've been taking a subjective narration in Joe's viewpoint, "disinterested" is an odd comment for him to make about himself. This would get across better with an internal comment of his that shows him acting disinterested.
>less interested than he sounded// Again, this comes across as a very external evaluation from what should be his viewpoint.
>Working with the bear claws, Joe ducked his head lower to hide his eye-roll. That was her third job this month.// Since I've made the above comment a couple of times now, here's a spot where it's done right. It's limited to his own perceptions, intents, and opinions, and rendered in a way that sounds like his own internal monologue.
>Already, Gilda was complaining that some places were blackballing her.// This sounds pretty repetitive with Lightning's situation.
>which led to the claw-shaped scar on his shoulder// This begs for more. Wouldn't that make him more wary of her? Why did he just let it go, rather than call the police? Or if he did, why would he think she might do that again?
>Yo~// ~ is not proper punctuation.
>A disappointed few seconds passed.// For whom? The narrator's with Joe, so I'd have to assume him, but he has no reason to be.
>Rent// Why is this capitalized?
>Lost in his worries, Joe had no idea how long it was until the door opened once more.// You're in his head. So are these worries. So why don't I get to see them? You're forcing me out of his perspective like this. And shouldn't the door opening surprise him if he wasn't paying attention.
>showmare// Inconsistent with you spelling it as two words in the last paragraph.
>That was part of why Joe liked her. He was sorta the same, going for hard independence over safe employment.// Seems like a colon might work better between these.
>apologized// Would be illustrative if I could see this and her reaction.
>Thanks Joe// Comma for direct address.
>Even the laconic Joe// You already described him as such, and recently enough that I remember it clearly.
>gaze fixed on Joe. It was certainly a gaze// The repetition isn't done in a way that feels deliberate or creates an effect.
>“You are ‘Joe?’” She asked// Capitalization.
>Joe nodded, stepping back behind the counter// Missing end punctuation.
>Very well, ‘Joe.’// I'm not sure why she's continuing to put his name in quotes. She knows it's correct now.
>He’d been in business a decade, and heard stranger requests// That's all one clause. You don't need the comma.
>Heaths// Hearth's
>It couldn’t put bits in their pockets, or love in their hearts.// All one clause. No comma.
>when all the smiling ponies were at their parties// Enough with the parties already.
>well-matching// In this usage, you don't need the hyphen.
>Not wanting conversation// Another instance where an internal comment would be far more powerful than a narrative summary.
>three-hundred// No hyphen.
>teary with fear// The tears alone aren't going to connote fear. What else does he see? Show me that instead of just summarizing it as fear.
>“Why doesn’t she come inside?” He grumbled.// Capitalization. You get it right when the dialogue ends in a comma, so I'm not sure why the question marks are causing you trouble.
>brow furrowed in confusion// Another rather external assessment that should be rendered through the perspective instead.
>Pausing a moment to lock the cashbox, Joe stepped out from behind the counter.// Note that participles synchronize actions. So he pauses at the same time he steps out. It'd more reasonably happen one after the other.
>lycanthropy// Be careful with the big words. Using them in his perspective implies that it's a word he knows and would be inclined to use. You have to make sure that fits his characterization.
>he slammed the door behind him// I'm surprised he does this, since he was upset about the possibility of Gilda doing so.
>With the moon occluded// Another word choice that seems pretty highbrow for him.
>“Kid,” he said; not unkindly, but gruffly.// Misused semicolon. There's no independent clause after it.
>He was a gruff pony// You just said that, and there are ways you make repetition feel deliberate and meaningful. I don't see any here.
>and more tears were slowly being added to them// That's an awkward phrasing and a pretty clunky use of passive voice.
>between a shiver// "Between shivers," right? She can't exactly say something between only one.
>quizzically// How does this look?
>Where’s home for you, kid?// Look how often he's already used direct address with her. Then consider how often people actually do so in real conversations.
>in embarrassment// Don't just tell me she's embarrassed. Make her look and act embarrassed. Par tof making a connection with a character is interpreting such cues, which makes the reader see things through her eyes for a moment. That's how we naturally read others' emotions anyway. It's much more engaging than just having the narrator sum it all up in a word or two, which short-circuits that discovery process. (First-person narrators are a notable exception, at least as far as their own emotions are concerned.)
>my class came for the big play and I// Ooh. Sounds like Cheerilee's going to be in big trouble.
>can-“// >even-“// >any-“// >she-“// >and-“// >Instead-“// >to-“// >not-“// >sappy-“// Use a proper dash, and note that dash use can break smart quotes. These are backward.
>approvingly// Get at this through his commentary. Most adverbs are going to break you out of a subjective feel to the narration.
>Joe cut her off.// You don't need to tell me this. It's already apparent from the punctuation.
>eager and young// You already described him as young.
>Or-// Use a dash.
>“You know if the sky chariots are running?” He blurted before giving himself a chance to reconsider.// Capitalization.
>Lighting// Typo. As I look ahead, you make the same one two more times, so search for this spelling.
>had pulled her chair closer to the window, and was suddenly faking a talk with Trixie.// No comma.
>act nonchalant, but the poor act// Watch the repetition.
>their silent interest// You just referred to "their interest" two sentences ago.
>His whistled innocently// Typo.
>Three-hundred// No hyphen.
>Pastries// Why is this capitalized?
>The bag went into his apron pocket and Joe walked slowly to the door// Here's a case where there are separate clauses, so you do need a comma.
>Sir// That wouldn't be capitalized unless it's a title of knighthood.
>She gave a hard, wintry cough into her forehoof and the smile grew.// Needs a comma between the clauses.
>Joe met her eyes, and finally smiled back.// No comma.
>half-heartedly// halfheartedly
>all’s// That's a really odd usage. How about "everyone's"?
>thoughts were on the strange thing they had just witnessed// How does Joe know this?
>Bringing his head back up// Participial phrases are usually set off with a comma.
>four-hundred// No hyphen.
>He pushed the treat across the counter to her, smiling faintly.// You've had a number of participial phrases that were misplaced modifiers, but they weren't bad ones, so I let them go. This one is actually ambiguous, though. These phrases like to modify the nearest prior object, or if they start a clause, its subject. So the grammatical presumption is that Trixie is smiling faintly. But most authors using this construction intend for it to modify Joe. If it only makes logical sense for it to describe one of the possibilities, then it's a minor blip, but here, I can't tell which one.
>B-But// Unless it's a word that has to be capitalized anyway, only do so with the firsst instance in a stutter.
>“”Don’t worry about it,”// Extraneous quotation marks.
>”Filliiiiiiies and gentlecolts!” She boomed// Capitalization, and the opening quotation marks are backward, as smart quotes sometimes do with a bbcode tag.
>sparks cackled in the air// "Crackled," maybe?
>looking very surprised// And what does that look like?
>An applause// I've never seen that used as anything other that a collective noun, i.e., it doesn't take an indefinite article.
>Shrimp// Unless it's actually a nickname she uses specifically and repeatedly for Trixie (and they haven't been suggested to have any sort of relationship where this might reasonably occur), it's just a generic term, and it wouldn't be capitalized.
>semi-circle// semicircle
>sarcastically// It loses its impact if you have to tell me this. It's like informing me that a joke was funny. Let what she says and how she says it deliver the sarcasm.
>ruining what little mystique Trixie had built// How so? You've been in Joe's head, so you can't really talk to things beyond how he feels about it personally and how he sees the others act.
>why are my pants red?// She's presenting it as dialogue, so it does need capitalization and a comma.
>WOAH// Please don't be one of those authors who can't spell this. You got it right earlier.
>She was holding a hoof to her mouth to hide a grimace that happened to be upside-down.// This is phrased more as her own reasons for doing so than Joe's perception of it.
>Lightning seemed curious// What does she do to make her seem so?
>cutie-mark// Canon doesn't hyphenate this.
>Second question, if I may: What are those?// You typically only capitalize after a colon if what comes before it refers to multiple sentences.
>“Little experiment of mine,” Joe tilted the tray, giving everypony a better look.// You've punctuated that like it's a speech attribution, but there's no speaking verb.
>Joe’s explanation was bashful.// You're getting external to him again. Let this come through in how he delivers his explanation.
>“Dang,” Gilda whistled low, eyeing the portions.// Another attribution without a speaking verb.
>two-dozen// No hyphen.
>‘em// Another thing that always breaks smart quotes is a leading apostrophe. This is backward. You can force one the right way by adding a second and deleting the first or by pasting one in from somewhere else.
>wheedling smile on her face// Missing word.
>Joe said by way of answer// Given that he was answering her, that's pretty redundant.
>The older mare gave a slight ‘hmf,’ and feigned disinterest.// No comma.
>”Eques-TREE-uh// Backward quotes.
>Harshwhinny grumbling about how ponies had ‘hair,’ not ‘fur,’// Thank you!
>yawn in boredom// The yawn already connotes boredom. Cut that prepositional phrase.
>“We need a ‘game’ game!” She clarified.// Capitalization.
>pouted sulkily// The "sulkily" is telly and redundant with the pouting.
>“Yo Joe, Blues,” Gilda called, grinning fearlessly. “I mean… we do got cones…”// Is there a scene break here? There's an extra blank line, but no marker.
>The chaotic game stopped, ponies looking to his reaction// That "to" feels awkward. And the few paragraphs around here don't have a clear perspective. You don't constantly have to chime in from the viewpoint character, but it helps to check in every few paragraphs at least.
>the food fight began in full.// And again, is there a scene break here? There wouldn't have to be, but you've left a ton of empty space.
>as he glanced to the clock// Another weird "to" where I would have figured an "at."
>looking at clocks// Wait, how many are there? Joe was described as looking at "the" clock, as in the only one.
>was almost at an end// Just a couple paragraphs ago, it was described as having already ended.
>Y-You// Only capitalize the first.
>Joe could charge him for the trays they ate, and return the rest.// No comma.
>closest her ever came// Typo
>He shouldered the door open without breaking stride, and was gone the next moment.// No comma.
>“And I want you to kiss me!” She blurted// Capitalization.
>Moron// Why is this capitalized?
>and-// Use a dash.
>“That is…” he lowered the hoof and coughed to the side// Capitalization.
>hastily-formed// You don't need a hyphen in two-word phrases beginning with an -ly adverb.
>Woah// Dammit
>his own confidence growing// >And in his face, she saw that mean smirk return.// See the perspective switch? It's a short enough scene that there's really no reason to wander out of a single viewpoint. And why is the whole thing in italics? That just gets annoying to read. They're generally used for presenting flashbacks, dreams, or written material. It took me a while to realize this wasn't just something Joe was imagining. It'll be clear what's going off, since this appears to be set off as a separate scene. I'd encourage you to use the bbcode [hr] as a scene marker. instead of the varying number of blank lines you have now.
>with apprehension// Show it.
>Trixie was picking lazily at her pretzel bun and Harshwhinny was simply sitting back in her chair// Comma between the clauses.
>well-familiar// No hyphen.
>they know who to blame// "Whom," if you figure she's the kind of character who would know that. I do.
>the brain behind them hardly daring to hope// (this is Trixie) >amused that the stern mare seemed so dense// (this is Lightning) Another jarring perspective shift.
>Sapphire Shore’s// Her name is Sapphire Shores, so it might affect how you want to handle the apostrophe.
>Life// Why is this capitalized?
>For Trixie and Lightning, of course, it wasn’t chickenfeed. It was more money than they’d ever seen in their lives, and it took another few dumbstruck seconds before they realized it was walking away.// For my money (heh), you could cut this entire paragraph. It's rather blunt, and what's around it already gives that impression.
>WAIT!// Italics are preferred over all caps or bold for emphasis.
>merrily-thrown// No hyphen.
>Schnapps// lower case
|