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File 140010242278.jpg - (8.95KB , 300x198 , slenderfamily.jpg )
130425 No. 130425
#Author #Crossover #Comedy #Shipping

I was running for my life, the Slenderman was right behind me. I looked behind me to see the his terrifying visage, his suit darker than coal and his skin like chalk, his entire being radiating an aura of pure darkness, not evil, just… darkness, like there was absolutely no chance of me ever seeing the sunlight ever again. The most terrifying, however, was that while this abominable creature had no face, its head followed me as I ran for sweet existence. Runes for strength, intelligence, and speed covered the steel bat clutched in my hand. Their message written in the language of the strange book I had found not but a month ago in an old cave in my birthplace of Ireland, in the dead forest by my family farm. The most recent ones had not yet dried and were beginning to streak as I frantically ran through the dark forest, trying to escape the creature that while seemingly never taking a step, always stayed right behind me. The intentions of this terrifying creature was unclear, all I knew was that it tore an armored jeep apart like wet paper to get to me, and I had woken up in this strange place after blacking out as it reached for me. I ran myself into a rocky cliff, trapped between this being and an insurmountable obstacle, I readied myself and swung out at my pursuer, but his hand simply appeared in the way and caught my bat, leaving a pitch black mark upon the surface and darkening the metal as the runes began to glow a crimson red.
Slendy laughed, which looked weird since he had no mouth “Your courage is admirable, but unnecessary. I’ve decided to take you to a world where I need my legend spread, so that no one will harm my trees.”
I nodded, I had met many individuals who theorized that the Slenderman was some sort of a sentient tree, so hearing he just protected his forests was not very big of a stretch. I sensed that I had no option of refusal, for if I did, he would surely kill me. “Why me?”
Slendy laughed again… still weird “Because you are highly familiar with the ways of the magi and know a lot about the world I will be sending you to.”
I nodded, a smile touching my lips “Where is this exactly?”
Slendy chuckled “Equestria, in the middle of the Everfree forest to be exact.”
I nodded “I’m listening.”
Slendy smiled, a razor sharp demonic grin splitting the blank white slate that was his face as black ichor flowed from his mouth like drool, I really did not want to know what he ate with that maw… “Good… now, you will arrive there three days before Nightmare Moon returns in the middle of the Everfree forest, I need you to spread my name across that world as my champion. I care not how you do it, as long as my trees are left alone, be it by reverence or by fear. I will impart to you the same powers as myself, and the knowledge of how to use them.”
I nodded in understanding, and then looked Slendy right where his eyes should be “I assume the runes will come into effect upon entering Equestria?”
Slendy grinned again, sending shivers down my spine“They already have.”
I dipped my head in acknowledgment “I will still need something more, maybe a staff? I need some way to use magic, or I will be at a massive disadvantage, and I’d like to see how you will change me first, so I can make myself not be TOO threatening, as I’d like to mingle with the ponyfolk.”
Slendy nodded understandingly “I will give you a wand, as I understand you are familiar with the works of the magi, this wand will be made with my power as well as the mystic energies of Equestria feeding it, no magical tool on that world will compare, so be wary of how you use it.” He held out his hand palm up, and an alabaster white wand with a midnight black handle grew out of his hand, it had runes all over the wood, yet it was perfectly smooth and straight, at the tip of the wand grew the Slendermans symbol. Slendy handed it to me, and as my hand closed around it, I felt a heart beat within the wand, as if it was a living thing. I then realized that not only was it in fact alive, but my heartbeat was synchronizing with it, I felt a name come to my mind and I realized that it was the true name of my wand and, as an extension, myself, I whispered it aloud.
“Neverog…”
I instantly understood the weight of this bond, and then felt a massive surge of power and felt my body change where I stood asit was enveloped in black and blue fire, my eyes changed first, my right turning golden yellow and my left turning blood red. My skin then turned whiter than the falling snow as my hair became long and straight, the red interrupted by white highlights, my bearded face becoming clean-shaven as the facial hair burnt down to the follicles; lastly, my obese body became lean and muscular. My outfit was the next to change, my Pinkie Pie T-shirt turning into a long sleeved shirt depicting a weeping willow witha man hanging from its branches like a puppet and the Slendermans mark branded deep into his chest, my ragged blue jeans turning into black dress pants, and my red sneakers turning into shiny black dress shoes. Lastly, a black iron ring with a ruby inlaid in the center appeared on my ring finger, there was an inscription on the outside of the ring made in white marble that said something in extremely small writing. I squinted my eyes and read the script, it looked like a bunch of symbols similar to the Slendermans symbol, then began to shift to Olden English ‘He who weareth this ring doth serve the trees and the land above all else.’ After the fire dissipated and I read the script, I hardened my resolve and shook hands with Slendy “Deal, I’ll do it.”
He nodded his approval of my decision “A warning my child, my power has marked your body and your soul, it will affect you in ways even I cannot predict, be wary.”
Slendy, no… my masters back erupted with at least twelve long tendrils that somehow flowed seamlessly from his suit. He touched the tips of his new limbs over my heart and palms, creating a small Slenderman symbol over the spots where he touched me. Then, the darkness surrounding us overtook my vision...
…I awoke in a copse of dead, black trees, in the center of a Slenderman symbol; I rose to my feet, finding Blood Bringer and Neverog hanging from my belt. I took out Neverog and searched the woods for something to do; I then heard a mare scream for help. I ran in the direction of the screams and found a pony cornered by a trio of Timberwolves, I released the same dark fire that transformed me from my wand, burning them to ashes “Serves you right, trying to eat a poor defenseless pony!”
The pony stood up suddenly, a blush spreading across her face for some reason “Th-thanks partner! Ah was in a real fix there!” I looked at the mare and gasped, she had an orange coat with freckles on her muzzle and a golden blonde mane, her eyes were green as emeralds, and she wore a Stetson on her head, this was AppleJack; the mare I had wanted to meet first upon entering this world.
I smiled, realizing that this must be my master pulling the strings to my favor “No problem, I was doing the will of my lord the Slenderman, besides, who would leave some poor little pony to die?” Just then, a pair of manticores burst out of the bushes, I responded by calmly sheathing Neverog and taking out Blood-Bringer, then charging at them. I struck the first of them upon the head hard enough to shatter its skull, then slenderwalked above the other and slid my weapon under its throat, pulling tight to strangle it; after it collapsed, I got up from the beast and decided that we had best het out of there soon. So I grabbed AJ, then slenderwalked to her farm “There, you’re safe now” I began to walk away when my stomach began rumbling “Uh… I don’t suppose you have any food you could spare?”
AJ grinned “Even better, Ah have an opening on the farm! It comes with a place ta stay and three free meals a day! Ya get paid ten bits per basket of apples ya harvest”
I shrugged “Sure, I’ll work for you, sounds good.”
AJ smiled “Ok, so Ah’ll just go and get my family and tell em y’all will be working for us!”
I nodded as AJ walked off and went to sit by an apple tree. I closed my eyes until I heard a panicked whinny. I then opened my eyes to find another ponies hooves about to hit me in the face, I opened a hole in space time and leaned into it, coming out behind him as he hit the tree so hard it left dents in the tree and apples fell to the ground. I realized that I had just slenderwalked as I looked to the pony to see he was a massive red stallion with sandy blonde hair and the same green eyes as his sister, this was Big Mac, the pony who nigh silently looked after the Apple family. Just as I was about to explain my situation he prepped to buck me in the face again “What the hay man?!” AJ walked out to find me slenderwalking all over the place to avoid Big Mac’s hooves of fury.
AJ Lassoed Big Mac and hogtied him “Now listen here! This is the stallion I was telling y’all about!”
As AJ untied Big Mac he looked at me in embarrassed anger “How are we supposed ta hire y’all if ya can’t buck apples?”
I walked over to a tree and punched it, raining down apples from the trees boughs unto the two ponies, I then used my slender tendrils to pick up the apples and put them in the baskets
AJ applauded eagerly “That was great! ‘Specially for a first try!”
Big Mac simply nodded his agreement and said “Eeyup.”
I smiled and laughed, remembering my REAL first try “It’s not the first time I tried it, just the first time I did it without almost breaking my arm.”
AJ giggled cutely and as two ponies I knew to be Granny Smith and AppleBloom came out. Granny was a light green pony who was probably older than Abraham Lincoln was, with white hair and golden yellow eyes. AppleBloom was her exact opposite, young, small, with a yellow coat and red eyes “Howdy y’all! This here is the stallion that saved my life! His name is…er…”
Granny Smith interrupted AJ “Why, AppleJack! Y’all mean to tell me that this stallion saved yer life, and yah never even asked his name?!”
I raised my hand “My name is Neverog, by the way.”
Applebloom walked up to me “Ah’m Applebloom, and that green pony over there is Granny Smith, by the way, what exactly are y’all? Ah’ve never seen anything like y’all before.”
I smiled as everyone’s eyes asked the same question “I was a human, but now I am something more, thanks to the power of the Slenderman.” AJ raised her hoof and I pointed to her “Yes, AJ?”
“What exactly is the Slenderman? Ah’ve neva heard of him.”
I grinned as I prepared to tell the story of the Slenderman “Well, the Slenderman is, in a nutshell, the most lethal being in existence, he has no need for food, water, or even air. He can instantly go just about anywhere, he can control the shadows around him and his size, he has nigh limitless strength, and he kills almost anyone who intrudes upon his forests, I am the only survivor that I know of who actually saw him. He has taken me as his champion to spread his name across this world.”
AJ looked dumbstruck “Y’all mean to tell me you met that thing and lived?!”
I nodded before Big Mac interrupted me “I don’t believe you, there is no way a creature like that exists! Let alone let a punk like you be its champion!” he shoved me with his front hooves, knocking me into a tree “Now tell the truth or get out of here!”
I then flashed back to my masters’ youth; the years of abuse by his parents, being insulted by everyone for his looks, his family, the twelve odd times a week he would be beaten up. The loneliness, the agony he had suffered for everything that made him… him. It did not matter that he had never wronged them, he was simply sport for them. I felt a surge of both power and rage coming from Neverog. I opened my mouth and purest darkness flowed from me as my eyes began glowing in their respective colors like searchlights. “Take. It. BACK!” tendrils of pure shadow came out of my back and whipped around me and an aura of black and crimson mist emanating from my body, I looked to Applebloom, who was backing away fearfully, as was Granny Smith, I then looked to AJ, who was looking at me, frozen in sheer terror. I felt Neverog urging me to kill them, but fought it off, clutching my head in sheer anguish. “NO!” I forced myself back to my true form and slenderwalked to a dilapidated old ruin I realized to be the Royal Pony Sisters’ castle, thinking one thing the entire time. Why would Neverog want that? Why would we want that? Why …Why …Why…



*I would appreciate if someone posted this to fimfiction, saying I did it and they were doing me a favor, then told me they did, I have more chapters too

Last edited at Wed, May 14th, 2014 14:22

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>> No. 130426
File 140010373953.png - (32.84KB , 204x218 , 130665547118.png )
130426
>>130425
> *I would appreciate if someone posted this to fimfiction, saying I did it and they were doing me a favor, then told me they did, I have more chapters too

Why don't you do this thing you ask?
It's not like you're banned from FIMfiction.

And while I commend you on grasping the basic formatting rule of one paragraph per speaker, this is still a giant wall of text made worse by the punctuation and self insertion.

Very few people are going to read this in the first place.
You do start In Media, but you have two problems out of the gate. I as a reader don't care about Slenderman, and you've done nothing to introduce me to your human character.

Then it becomes HIE Self insertion Applejack shipping. And it's allegedly a comedy, which I haven't really seen.

This story is trying so hard to be different stories, it's not telling any of them. And the characters spend so much time yelling. It just gives me a headache.
>> No. 130427
>>130426
First, the posting from word messed up the spacing, two, I cannot post to Fimfiction as I lost my login and I don't feel like creating a new account, as I also lost the password to my Email account
>> No. 130430
File 140010509754.png - (10.76KB , 300x300 , 133816374251.png )
130430
>>130427
> the posting from word messed up the spacing,

Which has no effect on things like:
> Applebloom walked up to me “Ah’m Applebloom, and that green pony over there is Granny Smith, by the way, what exactly are y’all? Ah’ve never seen anything like y’all before.”
Which needs at least a comma in the transition to dialog, then proceeds into a clumsy character introduction that doesn't need to be there, which ends with a sloppy run on sentence.

> AJ Lassoed Big Mac and hogtied him “Now listen here! This is the stallion I was telling y’all about!”
Lasso is capitalized why?

There's way more problems than you can blame on word changing the spacing.

> I cannot post to Fimfiction as I lost my login and I don't feel like creating a new account, as I also lost the password to my Email account

And I don't believe you. Make a new account, like every other being on the planet has to. You keep leaving your email address in your posts here, I don't see why losing a chain of email accounts prevents you from posting on FiMfic.
>> No. 130431
>>130430
Ok... I suck at writing, but I enjoy people reading my stuff... you really know how to hit a guy where it hurts...

Last edited at Wed, May 14th, 2014 15:27

>> No. 130432
File 140011349852.jpg - (10.17KB , 225x225 , 132657139184.jpg )
130432
>>130431
I didn't say you suck at writing, I said you have problems.

You know how to get past the point where you have problems? Try to address them.

Here's what I did say:
> You do start In Media,
Starting In Media Res is a great way to grab the readers attention. Things are happening, and they can follow that. This is a good thing.

> but you have two problems out of the gate. I as a reader don't care about Slenderman, and you've done nothing to introduce me to your human character.
There are ways to address this. There's no one way to address this. You can make Slenderman the main character. It becomes a fic about Slenderman + Ponies. I don't think this is what you want to do.

You can have the character be more than what he has become. I have no idea what a 'Slenderman symbol' is. I'm sure it's very important to the story, but I don't get it, and you don't explain it. But I can't tell anything about this main character beyond the things he has been given to make him special. There's nothing that makes him relatable. I can't remember his name, I can't tell if he has family, I can't tell much about him beyond generic Brony type.

> Then it becomes HIE Self insertion Applejack shipping.
You need the story to be more than that. If you want to do this, then you should be willing to pace yourself. Your character doesn't have to meet Slenderman, get magic, wake up in Equestria, and meet the entire Apple Family, and not kill them in just one chapter. That's too much to take in at once.

> And it's allegedly a comedy, which I haven't really seen.
You know that feeling of 'Daw' people get looking at cute things? I only get angry. This is important because I can't understand comedy as a genre. That said, what part of this is supposed to be funny? The lurking horror? The part where a wand wants to kill canon characters?

> This story is trying so hard to be different stories, it's not telling any of them.
What is the story you want to tell? Summarize the story (to yourself please) and write it out. Figure out what events need to happen, in what order. Figure out what you need to have those events happen. That's an outline, and it's your friend.
The outline wants something important to happen in every chapter. It will help you design "Chekov's Gun", which will make your chapters more satisfying in hindsight.

> And the characters spend so much time yelling. It just gives me a headache.
Exclamation points, while useful in fight scenes, and scenes that are supposed to be filled with emotion, are really tiring to read.
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