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130461 No. 130461
#Author #Discussion #Crossover #Sad #Grimdark

Give me some constructive feedback on this fanfic I wrote: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10362048/1/Discrimimigration
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>> No. 130462
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130462
>>130461
>FF.net link
I don't do these anymore since FF.net started being a butt and preventing copy/pasting lines in an effort to eliminate content theft.

That, and your first paragraph sounds like an infomercial.

What I will say is that your synopsis should not be your thoughts on the story; it should be your hook. The synopsis is your one chance to set your story apart from the others. Write something that just screams "Read me! Read *ME!* You don't want that lemon over there, I'm much more delicious than that. Your curiosity compels you to reeeaad meeeeee!"

Okay even I have to admit that was confusing, but basically your synopsis should give a glimpse into what will be in the story. A sampler, if you will, of the main course. Lines like:
>I talk about what went on in my mind upon discovery of the brony fanbase.
Do not belong in a synopsis.

Last edited at Mon, May 19th, 2014 15:34

>> No. 130467
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130467
Hi!
I'm going to tell you things you probably don't want to hear.

I've attempted to read this story on three occasions today, and while I'm sure my low tolerance can be attributed to being ill, this story grates on me in terrible ways. Which is interesting, as I can't get through the prologue.

Let me attempt to address why:

BR is correct, your summary/synopsis is trash. I would say the other word, but I'm saving my f-bomb for when I get really angry.

> AKA, the Pony Holocaust,
Structurally, that should be a period, and or use more colons and semi-colons. I would almost read something with the synopsis of:
> AKA: The Pony Holocaust

You wreck that by making it part of a run on sentence.
> I talk about what went on in my mind upon discovery of the brony fanbase.
I've got a secret. I read fanfics to learn about what goes on in other people's minds in fanbases. In stating that it's your intent, it seems more like an essay than a story.
I WANT to read a story, not a manifesto.

> Centered between my world and the MLP world,
How is 'your world' interesting enough to be the basis of a crossover?
People who enjoy crossovers tend to know something about all the parts involved. I watched a Kamen Rider Fourze X Kamen Rider Wizard movie today, because I know both series. I know nothing about 'your world'. That isn't much of a crossover at all.
For this story to work you'd have to have an existing world, and I checked your FF.N account, you don't have any other stories, or links to other stories.
As this is a MLP: FiM fic with a world that only exists in your head at the moment, you should write from the point of view that the reader has coming into the story.

> Patrick Thomas and Fluttershy run to the capital to get the president's approval from slaughter to acceptance.
Who? Because I skimmed ahead, and Fluttershy isn't even a character until four chapters in.
You list "Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Princess Celestia" as main characters, but clearly an OC is your main character, whom you do not list.
That's just rude to your readers, and will get your story dropped in seconds.

First Writing Feedback To Improve:
Read your prose out loud. Every time you stop to catch your breath, you need at least a comma.
Your first sentence is way too long, and needs to be broken.

Second Feedback:
Name things something other than Tom. It only makes me hate your world for being so stupid.

Third Feedback:
It's not polite to have your political stance leak into your My Little Pony fanfic.

This story needs to be burnt to the ground. It's breaking the first fundamental rule.
The intent of a story should be to tell a story.

A prologue shouldn't be there to info dump your universe. It should be there so the reader can understand the Status Quo before you change it.
In this story you should be focusing on introducing characters, using the characters to introduce a world, and letting the characters act upon the world.

What you have here is a diatribe in the wrong section at FF.N, marked with the wrong characters, and with no visible storyline to be seen.

If the story comes in later, that's still the wrong way to do it. The Story should come first, especially in episodic mediums in which you have no assurance that the audience will sit through even 200 words of set up.
This isn't a comic book or a movie. You need to set the hook that keeps readers from Alt+F4 and going to read one of the thousands of other stories that have summaries that sound interesting, and openings that introduce characters and situations.

Last edited at Mon, May 19th, 2014 20:05

>> No. 130469
>>130461
>>130467
...yeah. What Misty said, really. I was gonna get cute and clever with the Twain and Vonnegut quotes but, honestly, this seems like you've lost your way between 'story' and 'dry as a sandworm's fart headcanon'.
>> No. 130472
>>130469
I blame Misty/Minty on my phone's spellcheck and fatigue. That is all.
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