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130517 No. 130517
#Author #Single fic

Whelp, i dont usually do this, in fact ive never done this, but I'm going to try it, because reasons, and what better place and time to try it than ponychan at 3:30 am

This is a story about acceptance, and, uh, friendship I guess

You are anonymous, you drank the bleach and found your portal to equestria, you stumble into ponyville and promptly terrify all its inhabitants with your very presence, you are captured by Celestia's guards and taken back to her dungeon in Canterlot for questioning, cursing every curse you can think of as they tied you up and threw you in the back of a flying chariot, the very thought scared you shitless because physics doesnt work like that

It's been, what, maybe an hour now? Your sense of time has obscured with the lack of any proper sun in your damp quarters, granted the cell was well lit by 6 torches, it didn't help calm your nerves from the recent events. You laid back against the farthest wall from the doorway, one leg stretched out, the other bent an an angle to prop your right arm on, watching the golden plated horse guards on the opposite side stare at you with a childlike wonder. You tapped your right foot against the stone floor, every tap echoing in the room, it was all you could do to calm your mind, that and swear, but the guards had made clear their opinions on the overuse of foul language.
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>> No. 130518
You felt you had been surprisingly quiet considering what had happened, and that they couldve been more appreciate for your good graces, but alas, there was only so much you could do after being thrown into a totally alien world, especially along the lines of not freaking out. You took a deep breath, held it in, and let it decompress slowly, right now, you needed logic, something that made sense, so you took sport in trying to recall what had happened for the nth time. There was bleach, yup, gulped that right down, then, a bright light, like they always said, and for a moment, you felt like you didnt even exist, unable to feel your own skin, the air, or any sound at all. It was all brought to an end when you fell flat on your back into a small patch of dirt and grass, looking directly into the sun. You remember groaning painfully, then as you put a hand to your face to block out the sun, you blinked multiple times, as if to refresh your vision, and turning to the left, you saw an oak tree, not that you knew anything about trees, but it looked, oak-y enough.

As you slowly pushed yourself off the ground, you got a better sense of your surroundings, you looked back to see where you had fallen, a noticeable impression of your body being punched into the grass patches. Groaning still, you ran your hand along your backside, it stung, as was to be expected. It was only after that that you saw where you really stood, amidst a sparcely populated forest, the trees stood only about twice your height and had lush greens leaves on them. The forest seemed to be split, a path was between the two sides, which you slowly recognized as a road. Still having no idea where you were, you blurted aloud,

"Am I dead?" Kind of a silly thought to have as noone or nothing was around to answer, but what did you know, this could have been heaven, your personal heaven.

Last edited at Thu, May 29th, 2014 04:05

>> No. 130519
You looked up, only to be greeted once again by the radiant sun painfully shining its beams into your skull, your kneejerk reaction being a hand to cover your face. Over the top of the treeline loomed a distant mountain range, unusually cartoonish at that as they were almost perfectly shaped as triangles. Directing your attention back down what you assumed was a roadway, you followed it with your eyes as it ran up and down hills in the distance, until,you saw something, could it be? It, it looked like a town, a village perhaps? Too small to be any kind of city or town, yes, village was a more appropriate word. You couldnt tell any specifics from where you stood, but you knew it was some kind of civilization. Instinct takes over as you head to what you assume is civilization, but, then you stop, perhaps, are you not supposed to go that way? You are still under the assumption that you bit the bullet, and that this is either heaven or hell, and that purpose has a greater meaning now than ever.

Heaven and hell, to exist, or not to exist, the freedom of choice, some of the greatest questions of mankind's existence... But who has time for that. In your usual fashion, you say, "Fuck it," and head off down the roadway to get some answers, the chirping of birds and the whistling of trees being your traveling mix tape.
>> No. 130520
Suddenly, you were interrupted from your day dreaming as you were brought back to reality by a forceful knock on the iron door coming from the other side. One of the guards dismounted from his position along the wall and turned to face the door directly, raising a hoof to slide a metal cover to see into the other room, the other guard kept a close watch on you, like a cat following a laser pointer. He immediately shut the blind and reached for the handle, pushing down on a hatch first to unlock the mechanism, which you couldn't help but roll your eyes at their high tech security system. Creaking, the door presented itself for you as the guard pulled back on the handle, the door itself was as big as you and seemed very heavy.

If it was in any other scenario, you would've laughed your ass off as a tall, multicolored maned, white fur, pegasus, unicorn, thing, took a single step into the room, her hair blowing as if there was a fan following behind her, even then you couldn't help but smile. Two more guards that followed behind her, you assumed it was a she, took their positions just outside the cell, while the two inside bowed on either side of her as she calmly walked your way. Another thing that you noticed about her, she was big, much bigger than her guards or any other multicolored horse you had seen that day, which needless to say, was a lot. Your eyes met with her oversized pink irises, and she gave you a discrete, warm, smile, just enough to say that she was a friend.

Behind her, the iron doorway closed shut, creaking back into place as the one guard heaved to push it, making a loud snapping sound when the latch finally clicked back into place.
>> No. 130522
Now, it was just you and her, it, still unsure if it was a girl or not and you didn't care to check for that sort of thing at the time. Her mane still flapped effortlessly in the draftless cell, which only widened your smile. Half of you coudln't take her serious because she looked like the love child of Strawberry Shortcake and every 6 year old girl's fantasy unicorn, and the other half, well, the situation as a whole was just so surreal, you still didn't know if you were dead or if this was heaven or hell. Nothing made sense, and the very thought teriffied you as much as it made you want to break out into hysterical laughter, the kind you would hear when walking through an asylum.

She said nothing, eyeing you up and down, she sized you up, taking into notice all your features, the flat face, prominent nose, small ears tucked to your head, two eyes facing forwards, and the mane that only grew on your head. Perhaps you were as strange to her as she was to you, she acted like she had never seen anything like you before just by the way she took her time pacing back and forth around you in a seemingly interested fashion. You dare not speak first, despite her appearances, you didn't know if she could be a spiteful creature filled with ire, and anything could set her off. You played it safe.

Taking this brief opportunity you began to eye her as well, now noticing her wings, tucked to her torso, you immediately thought they were only for display as wings of that size couldn't possibly support her weight. You saw the golden crown atop her head, along with golden, horse, shoes, shoes for horses, and a golden bib, at least that's what it sort of looked like. Along with this regal appearance there was a familiar mark on her flank, the sun, a little strange for a Queen to be getting tattoos, but you held your tongue.
>> No. 130523
by the way, can you get banned for writing fics on this board?

its not like i have a special attachement to ponychan, but i just want to know if im all good ere' to keep on writing

does anyone like it or hate it so far?
>> No. 130525
whelp im gonna keep on writing anyway because Fuck It

Finally, she ceased her pacing to bring herself standing over you, no more than 3 feet away from your outstretched left foot, you stayed on the floor, trying to not show any sign of amusement or intimidation until you knew exactly what you were dealing with. She closed her eyes and took in her own deep breath, sighing out she began softly,

"Hello, my name is Princess Celestia." Well, know you knew whether it was a girl. She paused, smiling, staring down at you, waiting for any kind of response, or any acknowledgement that you wanted to speak with her at all. It was already known that you could speak their language, your first famous words being, "What the fuck..." Never once did she break eyecontact with you, even when you were more content to stare into the floor and let her speak her peace. "Do you have a name?" piercing the silence, the radiant white horse questioned you. So far. you liked what you were hearing, she wasn't very intimidating, nor did she sound the part of evil overlord, or look it for that matter. In that moment it crossed your mind that you could just be in a coma, and nothing here is real, and you could say anything and it wouldn't matter. But seeing as how you were usually cautious, you assumed that everything was real and that anything you said could be held against you. Gently, you raised your head, your eyes meeting hers once again as you breathed out,

>> No. 130526
The quality, or lack there of, will either increase or decrease based on what you view to be the current quality of this fic due to the undeniable fact that I have not slept for 22 hours and my brain is fried and I can't sleep even if i forced myself to due to brain reasons, but im gonna keep going, with the mere shimmer of a hope that what i splurge out might actually be catchy or in anyway gripping...

"Anonymous?" the Solar Princess repeated, a splash of confusion on her face, to which you simply nodded and allowed your head to fall back into it's floor watching position. "That's an odd name," not even looking up to acknowledge her you snapped back, "This coming from a giant talking white unicorn pegaus with multicolored flowing hair named Princess Celestia..." You take back the giant part, she actually only stood about as tall as you on all fours, in comparison to the rest of her people, she stood out a giant however. The comment seemed to go over her head as she titled to one side, almost as if raising an eyebrow, you could understand why, what was weird to you was perfectly normal to her. She ignored it, and moved on, "I'm sorry how we... met, I think we got off on the wrong hoof..." The Celestial Queen sounded very sincere, with a pinch of sadness in her voice, regret perhaps, it was enough to get you to look at her again. "It's just, we've never seen a creature like you before, can you tell me where you came from. or what you are?"

It was now that you felt like you should have been the one asking questions, but you were still too mentally exhausted to refuse her request, and spoke in a hushed tone, "I am a human, and I come from Earth." You would've said, 'Take me to your leader,' then, but you had seemingly already gotten that part down.
>> No. 130527
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You wont get banned, but if you want more of a response you might be better off posting on the /oat/ board.

What you have so far is alright, only a few nitpicks like the guards from the cell apparently being in the room and also not being in the room.
>> No. 130528
"Earth?" She repeated once more, the gesture now becoming rather annoying for you to listen too. Leaning in closer, she took two more steps towards you, craning her neck downward to be at your level. "I understand you are from this planet, what I meant was, what land, do you hail from?" You gave her a sort of stink eye, as if she was mocking your very limited intelligence, you fire back,

"Listen you, I don't know what you are or where I am, but I think you owe ME an explanation as to whats going on, for starters... am I dead?" Celestia shrunk back as you pointed an accusing finger at her along with a raised voice, it was enough to make the guards in the room twitch, apparently they still saw you as a threat. Celestia gave you the same confused look she had been giving you for most of the conversation, focusing only on the last part of your reply. She started slowly and awkwardly,

"Well, by the looks of it, you appear to be alive and moving, as for where you are, you are currently in the holding cells of the Royal Castle in Canterlot, and as for what I am, I am an Alicorn, I am the Co-Leader of this domain. Does that satisfy all your questions?" She spoke in a very motherly tone, that gave you some comfort, but the frustration of the situation still caused you to curl up into a ball, retracting your arms and legs and burying your head in the middle of it, and you screamed into your cocoon,

"NO THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, HOW AM I ALIVE, WHY AM I HERE, HOW IS ANY OF THIS POSSIBLE?!" Sensory overload seemed to be getting the best of you as all the thoughts swirled in your head, driving you mad as they stung your brain like a swarm of angry bees. Celestia ears crimped back, going flat against her head, the very sight of you screaming like that was enough to make her cringe, not just out of sympathy, but the fact that it was a very loud scream...
>> No. 130529
The Solar Princess could only watch as you rocked back and forth, bumping against the cell wall over and over, though she was armed with her magic, you could still deal a quick blow at the distance you stood if provoked, which was the only thing keeper her from coming over to console you. Eventually, screams turned into tears, and tears to sniffles as you slowly calmed down, your face gone red, skin stinging from your own tears, you looked like a mess and you knew it, but it didn't matter to you. You deflated from your fortified ball, allowing your legs to wind outward as you slouched onto the floor, until only your head was pushed upward by the corner of the wall and the floor. You looked at the distraught mare in front of you, also taking note of the guards, the aggression you saw before in their eyes had turned into sympathy. Celestia's comforting smiling had long vanished, and she eyed you once again as you laid on the ground, searching for any clue that could tell her what had happened to make you act in such a way, her search was however, in vain. Her entire purpose shifted with your breakout, she began cautiously,

"I'm so sorry Anonymous... I wish I could help you, but I must know what happened to you first." She was very direct with her intent, and even in your state, you could process her request. You took yet another deep breath from the thick chamber, and began your testimony,

"I was trying to kill myself, so I drank bleach... After that, I woke up here, I thought for sure I was dead, but then I wander into your town, you knock me out, and haul me here, that's all I know." You try to be concise and to the point so she may understand easily. The room went silent, Celestia shooting you an uneasy look, eyes widened, taking a few steps back.

"You, tried to kill yourself?" she asked very bluntly.


"But you ended up here instead?"


"And this world is not the world that you used to exist in?"

"I guess so,"
>> No. 130534
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Well, we do welcome the creativity around here. Here's a few things you could work on.

>Tense shifting
You rapidly switch between present and past tense throughout the story, so it makes your writing sound funny. You've also got a lot of words that are simply the wrong form.
>they couldve been more [appreciate] for your good graces

>Runon sentences
You string several thoughts together into one massive sentence, with far too many pauses an commas. Break those up and they'll look much cleaner.
>You remember groaning painfully, then as you put a hand to your face to block out the sun, you blinked multiple times, as if to refresh your vision, and turning to the left, you saw an oak tree, not that you knew anything about trees, but it looked, oak-y enough.
This should be about three or four sentences.

A very common beginner error, but this is actually *two* words.
>No one

You looked up, only to be greeted once again by the radiant sun painfully shining its beams into your skull, [your kneejerk reaction being a hand to cover your face.]
Sentence additions like this should be phrased as separate sentences.

>Improper punctuation
Don't feel bad; even I still do this sometimes. You've got improper punctuation littered throughout this. A thorough editing pass should clear up most of them.
>But who has time for that.

Your pacing, however, is very nice and I'm curious where the rest of the story is headed.
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