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17866 No. 17866
Alright, I need some help here. I'm writing a fic which will span multiple chapters called "Spirits of Harmony" which is vaguely inspired by (but not a crossover with) Avatar: The Last Airbender, specifically the way Aang can talk to past Avatars if he wants to.

The basic story is that the Mane 6 discover that the Elements contain echoes of past wielders that they, through Twilight's command of magic, can communicate with. This acts as a framing device for three seperate stories with original characters set varying amounts of time in the past.

In terms of "goals" for this fic, I have these set out:

1. Decouple the virtues the Elements represent from specific personality traits, and illustrate - both to the audience and the Mane 6 - that there are different ways to be honest, kind, joyful, generous, loyal and magical.

2. Tell some cool, engaging, entertaining stories with new characters.

3. Have a moral at the end - that virtues don't always take the form you expect, but are always worth having - so that Twilight can learn another important lesson about friendship.

I don't think I'm going to have any problem writing for the host of original characters I've written out. The problem is, I need to write the first chapter to frame everything properly. It's very Mane Six-heavy, and I'm discovering just how difficult it is to write for characters I didn't invent myself. Past the first few paragraphs it feels rushed, forced and just plain bad. I feel like I need serious help fixing this.

What I really want is for the first chapter to be over so I can get to the "cool stuff" of having the Mane 6 interact with the OCs and having the OCs tell their story. But I know the first chapter has to be engaging, well-paced and convincing, otherwise people won't read past it to look at the stuff I had an easier time writing.

First Chapter, first draft:

Here are my story notes. BE WARNED! This spoils basically everything important about the OCs and all three stories. Read only if you don't care about spoilers.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 17867
Oh, I should probably mention the first chapter isn't even quite finished yet.
>> No. 17913

"1. Decouple the virtues the Elements represent from specific personality traits, and illustrate - both to the audience and the Mane 6 - that there are different ways to be honest, kind, joyful, generous, loyal and magical.

2. Tell some cool, engaging, entertaining stories with new characters.

3. Have a moral at the end - that virtues don't always take the form you expect, but are always worth having - so that Twilight can learn another important lesson about friendship."

Well, if you don't mind it being grimdark, or a creative story that has the same situation tho not being so... evil... about it. Can give one of the main 6 the ultimate choice? A situation where she had two choices, one to save her friend(s) or save.... some random person, her past, her element of harmony, the world or something. I think it would fall under all three goals, yes? Doesn't have to be grimdark, just that is usually the most common situation like that. Save your lover and destroy a million people, or save the people and lose your lover. lol.

Other than that, this sounds like a wonderfully long story I am going to want to read! I can't wait till it is all finish, and might peak at the spoiler page lol
>> No. 17928
I was planning on this being non-grimdark (although there's one scene I have planned out that might skirt the edge). All of the three stories set in the past will feature a significant, dangerous threat that has the potential to end tragically, but is averted thanks to the efforts of the respective protagonists.

If you peek at the spoiler page, then the potentially grimdark scene is the resolution of the Storm Dragon story - the titular Storm Dragon, Typhon, gets quite literally torn apart by a vengeful Cloudsdale and cast across the sky as a thousand tiny storms. There'll be no actual blood or gore (he's sort of, well, made of clouds and lightning) but certainly the concept has the potential to be nightmare fuely.

I'm currently working on the second draft of the first chapter, which will hopefully SUCK less.
>> No. 17955
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I shall support this story in whichever way I can.
I shall watch this thread for when you post the second draft and I can work from there, first drafts always leave a bad aftertaste.
>> No. 17956
Thank you.
>> No. 17963
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I read some of the first chapter, and it sounds pretty aweome! Thread watched.
>> No. 18658
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Second draft just finished:

I did some neccessary padding, completely removed some of the scenes that didn't jibe with me and made the motivations a little more believable. I'm still not sure if I'm writing the Mane 6 right, but they definitely feel more accurate now.
>> No. 18808
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I've come to buck this thread.
>> No. 18846
I think it's illustrative of how much better I am at writing for my own characters that I got the first three pages of the second chapter done in an hour, while it took me more than six to do three pages of the first chapter.
>> No. 19197
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I shall have your review later on the day.
>> No. 19260
Is it at least OK? :P
>> No. 19273
Unite the elements of a balanced breakfast! I loved Pinkie's line to Rainbow Dash at the end of the scene where they're talking over their dreams.

This is a very exciting setup. Previous bearers? I don't know that anyone's tried to tackle that idea before. Your writing is engaging, needs a polish of course, but this is a second draft, and that's just fine! (I noticed a lot of missing periods at the ends of dialogue lines.) All the characterizations are good, and the way you're setting up the next part got me all excited. I can't wait for more!
>> No. 19283
>I loved Pinkie's line to Rainbow Dash at the end of the scene where they're talking over their dreams.

I'm basically trying to make subtle nods to various fandom and universe in-jokes without them either being too obvious (HURR HURR SECRET BUTT FUN) or too obscure (because in-jokes aren't funny if they're indeciperable).

>(I noticed a lot of missing periods at the ends of dialogue lines.)

I don't customarily add a full stop (period) at the end of a line that's ended by a quotation mark unless it's an ellipsis. To me it doesn't feel natural for some reason, but I realise this is probably bad practice.

Currently, I do not have plans to write a Luna Rebellion story (which would be the fourth historical story - the stories progress backwards in time. Chapter II, the first story, is chronologically the most recent) but I have a canon reason that allows flexibility if there's enough interest in it (basically, the "echo" of the Luna Rebellion is "broken" because one of the bearers was/is Celestia, and she's not dead but also, not fully alive).

If you're interested I can put up the 18 pages of what I've written so far of Chapter II.
>> No. 19352

My opinion here
>> No. 19370
I have responded to it. Overall you're actually more supportive of my writing than I am :P
>> No. 19724
>I don't customarily add a full stop (period) at the end of a line that's ended by a quotation mark unless it's an ellipsis.

I've never seen this used before, so I'm going to have to say it's just you. It certainly doesn't stand up to any rule of punctuation I've ever seen.

>If you're interested I can put up the 18 pages of what I've written so far of Chapter II.

>> No. 19743
>I've never seen this used before, so I'm going to have to say it's just you. It certainly doesn't stand up to any rule of punctuation I've ever seen.

I figured it was just me being weird. At some point I'll trawl back through the thing and add in those missing full stops.

>re. posting unfinished work

Samurai Jack says I totally shouldn't do that, so I won't. However, as consolation, here's a preview:

“My friends, I've always had this little theory of mine, and it goes like this: It's that ponies wouldn't have a concept of miracles if, just sometimes, they didn't actually happen. And thinking about that got me thinking something else: that maybe if you're determined enough, if your need is great, you don't just have to wait for a miracle. You can make one happen”
>> No. 22405
I should have the first draft of the second chapter available to read sometime today.
>> No. 22506
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Chapter II, First Draft:


It's missing the end of its denoument and the introduction of the next chapter, but I felt I had to get something to you guys after you've been waiting so long. It's rough around the edges and I'm sure there's a lot of stuff that needs refinement but I've been suffering such a bad case of writer's block trying to end the damn thing that I felt I just wanted to get what I have out here. This is 80% done - there'll be needed revisions, of course, once I get some feedback from you guys, and it's missing its denoument, of course.

If you could spread this about and get me as much feedback on it as possible, I would love you forever with hugs.
>> No. 22611
Quite the fanciful opening! Celestia tears are powerful! We need to jab her in the ribs and bottle that shit, you could make a fortune!

The asides to the 'present', with the mane six, really take one out of the story, and I'd include the description at the very start in that criticism. If you really want to describe what they're seeing at the story unfolds, put it in the end of the first chapter and let the reader just enjoy the story.

Sit yer flanks down! Wow, them's fightin' words. "I'm going anyway!" You got a big chuckle out of me with that. I love that the Elements change depending on who's using them. Optimism!

Oh my sweet crap, Morning Song's story told to the ogre is pretty much the best thing I've ever read. I am alternating between laughing uproariously and shaking in fear.

Once the friends meet up and start planning their trip is where this really takes off, I think. (Fitting their personalities to the Elements is fun, too!) Which is not to say the opening few pages are bad, aside from the interruptions, the exposition is just... expository. Other than those two iotas, this mostly just needs a spit-polish at this point, though (there are some sections with word redundancies, that sort of thing). Pretty good for a first draft!

As for those interruptions... well, they felt really out of place at first, but as the story progresses, they become, if nothing else, more useful. Like knowing about the spell, or Applejack's family. Rarity's in particular add to the story. I guess my final advice would be, take another look at all of them, and consider what they're adding to the story. You might be able to move or condense some of them. Certainly, you either need to have them throughout the tale, or not at all; reducing the number or bringing them in later would definitely be jarring.

These are some great characters, and their repartee is really enjoyable! The tension between the two factions is fantastic! I am just really impressed that you've made these six characters pop out of the page like this. I hope you can keep it up! It's like... I'm sitting here, in tears, because this resolved so wonderfully, and you're telling me you're going to do it again? I can't wait. (Wait, did it just end there? Or are you not finished? It feels like it needs just a tiny bit more!)
>> No. 22612
Yeah, uh, needs denouement. Didn't read that. Sorry for this critique being... haphazard. I tend to write in response to what I read, as I read, but then I started shifting things around, so if it doesn't make any logical sense, that's why.

>> No. 22645
Not just once, twice more. Although each story will have a new setting and a new set of characters (but if there's interest in any specific era or set of characters, I will leave each story open to the prospect that they go on more adventures together before relinquishing the Elements or passing on).

I appreciate that the asides from the Mane 6 may be jarring, but the whole point of the story (particularly the framing device) is that they're learning about the history of the Elements of Harmony (and the history of Equestria). Cramming it all in at the end didn't really feel right to me (it'd be a series of "well at first I thought X, but then after Y happened I thought Z!" which to me would feel tacked-on). It also seemed to fit more with the characters (Applejack is EXACTLY the sort of person, in my opinion, to jump into a conversation if there's something she disagrees with or else feels strongly about). Remember, also, that they are, in fact, interruptions. The Mane 6 are interrupting the period characters telling their story to add their own commentary.

If this is offensive to too many people, I will rework it, but they felt the most natural way of communicating the insights the Mane 6 have into their predecessors.

I am glad, however, that I managed to pull off the primary story elements (Sun Valley, tension between two towns, unlikely alliance between young members of towns to thwart disaster, improbable ambition of main characters) well, in your opinion :)

The denoument is progressing slowly because I have all the elements planned out (Silver Spark becomes a powerful mage, Star Gazer gets a job at the Royal Observatory, Cinnamon's father steps down and lets him be mayor instead, Thunderclap and Strawberry decide they'll go on more adventures and Morning Song gets a very interesting and revelatory conversation with Celestia herself) but I've had a serious case of writer's block on how to actually execute all of it.

Note that in the very final stages of this chapter I ALSO have to execute the introduction of six new characters for the NEXT chapter and not make it seem forced, and do spit-polish once I get more feedback.
>> No. 22658
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention about the Optimism thing.

The reason Laughter is called Optimism in this era is because the last time the Elements were used (or, to put it another way, in the next chapter) the virtue shown by the character in question more closely resembled Optimism than anything else. Notice that Thunderclap describes Morning Song's element as "Laughter" because he thinks it's more fitting, thus explaining why it's called Laughter by the time our favourite space-bending bipolar Earth Pony gets her hands on it.

Here's a slight spoiler: before Laughter, it was called Optimism. Before Optimism, it was called Joy. Laughter felt a bit too limiting to me, so I made the Element a little bit more mercurial to allow a greater range of characters to be portrayed (and thus allowing me to further decouple the Elements from specific personality traits). The other Elements will be somewhat protean as well.

There's going to be a few initially unpleasant or at least downright confusing surprises for Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy in the next chapter, related to the way in which the characters act (specific spoiler: sorry Rarity, Generosity does not always mean you're a sophisticated, polite, high-class aristocrat)
>> No. 22708
I loved that idea of mercuriality, and yes, I appreciated when it morphed into Laughter.

One thing I would just like to get off my chest: I hope the next chapters will not be formulaic. This one is very close to the MLPFiM pilot in terms of setup. They journey to the Everfree Forest to find the Elements in the castle, then use them to stop the stuff. I'm not saying that I think you'll keep this sort of pattern (after all, the Elements were left in the castle previously, so I imagine the six before them found them elsewhere), but I just want to get it out there as a fear.

I really do believe that you're a better writer than that. :)
>> No. 22736
The Elements, as far as I planned them, always end up back at the old castle. I have plans for how to write around this, though. In the next chapter, they are pegasi and only make a brief stop inside the forest itself and in the one after that almost all of the action takes place far outside if it, and by the time they reach it, it's dying of the same drought that's killing the rest of the land.

I can probably make some alterations if people object to even those concepts. A bigger concern for me, at least in the next chapter, is how to provide a convincing explanation for why the fuck Celestia isn't fixing the problem herself.
>> No. 22776
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Was a wonderful, and long read! I loved it! I hope the next chapter is even longer, and better! I'll be watching for it :)
>> No. 22903
Okay, thinking about this story again (you've got me thinking about your story when I'm not reading it; congratulations!), I am coming up with what I hope is one of those questions that will serve to tighten this into an even better work.

If the Elements of Harmony are not the rocks, but come from within, then how can they be placed anywhere? Why travel to the EverFree Forest in the first place? And just what, exactly, are the rocks?
>> No. 22922
My theory on the Elements is that they have two states - "dormant" (which is the rocks you see when no-one's wielding them) and "active" (which is the Cutie Mark jewellery and immense magical power). When they're in their dormant state, they sit in the stone orbs waiting for a group of ponies with sufficient virtue to find them and prove themselves worthy of them. After the spark is ignited, they bond with their wielders and become active.

This theory in mind, the Everfree Forest serves two purposes:

1. It is a dangerous environment which one is unlikely to survive without the help of friends. It provides a convenient testing ground for the virtues of those who seek the Elements, if they have not already proved their worth outside of it.

2. It keeps the dormant Elements safe from the unworthy. Even if, as a rotten bastard, you couldn't display sufficient moral distinction to actually use them, if they were accessible without legendary effort, you might be able to steal them, destroy them or hide them from those who needed them. (Which is precisely what Nightmare Moon tried to do).

My feeling about this is that either the Elements automatically go dormant and return to their orrery in the ruined castle when their bearers die, or their bearers make another journey to the castle at some point in their lives and relinquish them voluntarily as a courtesy to the next group who really needs them.

They need to be in the castle during the Longest Night crisis, otherwise it blatantly contradicts canon. Also, it would be way too much of a rewrite at this point to put them anywhere other than the castle during the War That Never Was crisis. The next one I'm writing, the Storm Dragon crisis, could probably be written fairly easily to have them scattered, but I'd need a suitable explanation for why they were scattered (and why, if there was no convention of them being in the castle at that point in time, they ended up in the castle by the time of War That Never Was crisis).
>> No. 22960
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This one actually has the ending and everything.
>> No. 22961

Ahem... To the second part, they being scattered... If it is the earliest, as in they were not used before then except to banish Luna. Then why couldn't Celestia have scattered them for the reason you said? The everfree forest wasn't always evil and corrupt. and it didn't turn that way over night. To keep the power safe, and so if evil found them they would only find one, not all of them, Celestia scatters them. But by the time the next time they are needed, the forest is turned creepy and evil. Or something/someone in the forest is needed to be defeated. They defeat them/it, but the forest is still dangerous, tho not as dangerous as before. Celestia, or the bearers believe that place safe enough and leave them there? Will that work? o.O if you can understand any of that anyways xD
>> No. 23284
I can accept this explanation. I also like >>22961

Now, getting to the ending. Goodness, I never realized this was so long until I tried finding the place I'd left off at! That's how you know it's a good story.

I love that Thunderclap and Strawberry seem to have hit it off. I'd like to get a little more indication of Celestia's initial reaction to Morning Song telling her that he saw her crying, and the implication that comes with it. Is she tense? Is she embarrassed. I don't get quite enough from just her words. He does get a little brash towards the end of that scene, though. (He can be Luna's new friend!) I think that's the only bit that's bothering me at all. Still quite excited to read part three!
>> No. 23350
>I love that Thunderclap and Strawberry seem to have hit it off.
I enjoy M/M shipping, and Word of Me is, yes, they do end up in a relationship, but that's only hinted at in the story since I know some people get upset by having it presented outright.

(On a side note, Thunderclap is one of those people who would get depressed and lost if he didn't have someone to look out for. He's not the smothering type, as evidenced by the fact that he really wants Silver Spark to be able to stand on his own, but him walking off into the sunset with two good friends who he gets to play Team Dad for is pretty much the happiest ending he could possibly get)

>re: Celestia/Morning Song
In my personal continuity, Celestia is an ultimately benevolent but extremely detached ruler. She remains exceptionally distant from everyone because she feels if she becomes emotionally invested in a situation, she'll lose her ability to make sensible, rational decisions - something that is reinforced by the fact that the last two times she's involved herself in a situation emotionally, she's lost someone she cares about deeply and her subjects have paid the price for it (the first time it was Luna, and the second time, it was the pupil, who will be important later). She is too afraid to show more than the most superficial, passive emotions, but it leaks through occasionally.

Morning Song is VERY, VERY good at reading people and he picks up on this pretty quickly. His increasing confidence and boldness stems from him realising that she actually needs someone to spell a few things out for her.

But to make things a little more clear, I've added a couple of lines to my hard copy, so they'll be in the final version.
>> No. 23371
>Re: Celestia/Morning Song

That would explain why she didn't banish him and then lock him in a dungeon in the place she banished him to. The detachment didn't come across... as early as it needed to, I suppose. I mean, I did pick up on it later, so I think you're okay in general.

As for ThunderBerry there... Well, I caught the implication, but I mostly just thought they were being teased. It probably doesn't matter either way. (Although Rainbow Dash's reaction almost makes me think she was excited about it. Does she like watching boys kiss?)
>> No. 23408
I'm not intending to have any serious shipping, this isn't what the fic is about. And to be honest, I find the debate over Rainbow Dash's prefered objects of attraction to be so hilarious I wouldn't want to nail her... interests down anyway.

But I will say I wouldn't honestly be surprised if she liked watching boys kiss.
>> No. 23965
I shall be starting work on Chapter III tonight.
>> No. 27353
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I don't know if you are continuing this or not, but here is the review you requested.
>> No. 27443
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I am fully intending to finish this, but I needed a pretty big break in between chapters. They're huge and writing them is a psychologically harrowing experience.
>> No. 29312
OK, I need to ask people's advice on grimdark and what constitutes it. So the following things will happen in Chapter 3 (spoilered because some pretty big plot points are given away):

- They find a badly-wounded Earth Pony. He will die without aid.
- There's a big battle between every able-bodied pegasus in Cloudsdale and a gigantic dragon.
- Several pegasi are seriously wounded during the battle.
- At one point during the battle, a main character gets mashed against a cloud so hard his wing is broken.
- The giant dragon gets literally torn apart by the pegasi of Cloudsdale. There isn't any blood, though, because he's essentially made of clouds and rain given solid form.

Is this enough to constitute grimdark?
>> No. 29391
"Is this grimdark" is kind of an awful question to have to ask. I'd say err on the side of caution and go for the tag. People's opinions may differ on where the line actually is, after all.
>> No. 32307
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Spirits of Harmony are now live on Equestria Daily! I'd like to give a big thank you to Samurai Jack, Butterscotch, Seattle Lite, Kim Fluttershy Dykas, PresentPerfect, Jirodyne and anyone else who's supported me in getting this far. Without your help, constructive criticism and patience I would not have gotten this far.

The story is far from over - Chapter 3, Part 1 currently weighs in at eight and a half pages, and a lot has already happened in the story. I'm going to start releasing the stories in small chunks - not only is it more manageable for readers, but it also means I can release on a more frequent schedule. The first draft of Part 1 will be available before the end of the week, hopefully!
>> No. 32308
I can without doubt say that this is not Grimdark, at all. In no way, almost. I would rant and explain why, but iPhone 4 sucks at writing and keyboard is better.

I can explain WHY it's not grimdark tomorrow.
>> No. 32469
Thanks for mentioning me. This story was so enjoyable to read.

Normal stories aren't supposed to be THIS enjoyable and awesome!


No it's not grimdark. It's not too dark and it's not very grim. There is an EVIL person being killed there, but it's more like an element ya know? Like the wind, dispersing a cloud or some shit. Also, nopony dies. Some get hurt, yes, but not in a "OMFG" manner. Also, as far as I see, little to no blood.

I don't think this is even slightly grimdark.

I hope I cleared it up for ya.
>> No. 32503
You're welcome! I was really psyched to see it up on EQD (and immediately gave it 5 stars; you had straight 5's for at least a little while there!)

Also, I just want to say it now: I want to do a story based on the ideas presented in Spirits of Harmony. For me, it'll be an attempt to build a story around a group of (hopefully) well-defined OCs, and I wanted to frame it as them trying to figure out the Elements and eventually going into that 'space' where they meet the mane cast. I don't have a plot for it yet, so it's a future project, but first I wanted to run it by you, since you came up with it and all.
>> No. 32518
So here's the thing - I actually came up with the idea for Spirits of Harmony during an Avatar: The Last Airbender binge. My train of thought was something like: "Hey, Aang can talk to his past lives. What if the Mane 6 could do that, except with past bearers of the Elements of Harmony?". It isn't really "my idea", so to speak. Neither is the idea of a shared dreamspace, nor, if I'm correct, is the idea that the power of the Elements could be unimaginably destructive if used improperly.

Without sounding egotistical, though, people are going to credit me with having had this idea first, and if you do something like that, inevitably people are going to say "Oh, but Stormchaser did it first in Spirits of Harmony", even though it's not precisely an original idea. From what I gather, you'd basically be setting this in the future, though?

There was a guy on the EqD thread for the story who said he was upset about it just being an elaborate framing device for an OC pony story. I accept that some people are always going to be turned off by OCs, so I respect his opinon, although I wasn't neccessarily so convinced about his argument regarding it being a "face heel turn".
>> No. 32879
Yeah, I've become aware of the "OC focus kills stories" attitude in this fandom, and I'm okay with it.

Yes, it would be set some as-yet undetermined period of time in the future. And since I've never watched Avatar, I'd be crediting you with, at the very least, bringing the notion to my attention. I probably wouldn't use any of your OCs, save maybe to show that, hey, they're all there in the Element-plane.

My only question now is, what's a situation dire enough that five ponies would seek the Elements of Harmony to rectify it? That's why this is currently on hold.
>> No. 32996
Six ponies, remember. ;)

I can't tell you what to write, but I always had a thought - what would happen if six ponies with utter purity of purpose and the complete moral certainty that they were doing the right thing claimed the Elements of Harmony, and set their minds to using them for something that was nonetheless utterly misguided, with the potential to hurt many, many ponies?

The Elements of Harmony simply require that each bearer embody their Element in some meaningful way. Extremely virtuous people aren't any more immune to hubris or misplaced conviction than everyone else. In fact, there's nothing more tragic than an otherwise good person doing something terrible because they honestly believe it's the right thing to do.
>> No. 33041
One of the things I plan to tackle is, how can five ponies even use the Elements in the first place? (There will be lots of mishaps.) After all, only five are actually recorded, the sixth is always a mystery. Figuring out if/that they need a sixth is part of it.

And that idea sounds awesome and you should explore it sometime. It wouldn't fit what I'm doing.
>> No. 33044
>After all, only five are actually recorded

"There are six elements of Harmony, but only five are known."

Twilight specifically says this early in Episode 2. It's listed that there are six.
>> No. 33234
Yeah, that's what I meant.

"Well, we've got five here, that's enough, right?" Noooooo.
>> No. 33251

That statement brings up something I was wondering. They needed all 6 elements to defeat nightmare moon because she was a goddess. But does that mean they always need all 6? why can't one or 2 be enough? or 5? or 12354321? well ok that last one won't work. But still lol For not knowing what the 6th element is in the future, they used it in the past! why did they not record it then? You can't say 'only 5 are known' when they are all known and used before! at least 3 times!
>> No. 33254
I imagine that Twilight wouldn't record what the sixth element is, because figuring it out is part of the process for proving worthiness to bear the Elements in the first place. If she just wrote a book that said "hey guys, number six is Magic, make sure you have a unicorn, here's the spell", then it completely misses the point. The trials of the Everfree Forest, which Stormchaser's been exploring, plus the Elements themselves challenge would-be bearers to find that bond of friendship, to come together in their darkest hour. If they can't do that, then they're unworthy, or the situation is not so dire as to warrant use of the Elements.

As to your first question, I'd imagine you could get some decent results using just two, since they are pretty powerful and all, but you probably have to gather all six first before they can be used.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, Storm. D:
>> No. 33296
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TL;DR: The elements are actually evil and the forces of nature that don't seem to exist in the show trapped inside of them, the element of magic is actually the sisters parents after they sacrificed themselves to prevent them from destroying everything, they can corrupt those around them, the bearers represent the contrary force within the crystal as to allow them to use them without letting the elements intentions clouding their judgement.

Just because I'm braining to much right now, here is an idea that I just had.

Consider this: the elements of harmony all except for magic are malignant and represent forces of nature trapped into those crystals. The quality they represent are actually the contrary to what they are (laughter would be darkness and sadness and so forth), thus making the bearers need not to have those qualities because they are deemed worthy enough but rather to counteract the nature of the trapped spirit inside.

Thus, the whole worlds lack of natural cycles except for the everfree forest, the need of luna and Celestia to move teh sun, all that would be because all those natural forces are trapped inside the elements.

Magic in the other hand would be the place where Luna and Celestia's parents are, their sacrifice to capture the destructive spirits being having to trap themselves too. The transfer of power cause the sister to become demigods, the elements slowly corrupt those that are around them too much (luna) and thus require the bearers to not use them too much.

>> No. 33976

I'm not really sure the actual sixth chapter is going to look anything like this, guys. Almost everything about this chapter feels terribly wrong. I just need to upload it so that the critique can start, and I can get an idea of just how much of it needs a rewrite.

My main concerns:
1. The very concept of the Primal Dragons sort of reaches out to me and yells "I'M WRONG! DON'T DO THIS!"
2. Parts of the chapter feel rushed (and probably were).
3. Their justification for going to look for the Elements of Harmony seems wobbly at best.
>> No. 33991
I'm on it.
>> No. 34024
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Here we go.

1) Primal Dragons-
Okay. I have to say, I was tempted to weave in something similar with my own work with chapter 4, though not quite to the point of them raising the sun and moon. While very tempting, as I would like to give the dragons this weight in the past (so much), I decided to abstain from going too far into their own elemental ancestors and the vastness of their power… It's just… too conflicting with MLP and the role of the Alicorn - attempting to establish equivalent domain, so to speak. I could make it work, and so could you, I have no doubt, but it would be a bloody massive section, a lot of conceptual work, and would retain the interest of … maybe half the readers… at most, I would think, as it detracts so heavily from the pony plot (heh).

If you DO go with it, here are my initial concerns -

1) How did beings of equivalent power to the Alicorns fade away?
2) You need to make it distinct that the remembrance of the Primal Dragons is a matter dragon lore, as ponies would have no possible knowledge of times so ancient.
3) Dilineate this "lineage" concept. You ref. "noble" dragons. Are these direct descendants of the Primals? etcetera
4) Its not enough to merely say "the primals disappeared, leaving only their more normal progeny, who for some reason stepped out of the picture to allow pony-kind to sweep across the land. This is straying directly into my own work, but perhaps establish that fading of a great and ancient race via their own disinterest and apathy with the affairs of the world, including maintaining a civilization. (I'm only on the first page still, this may well bear no relevance to your story arch).

After considering the above, I suggest you scratch that this is indeed a Primal Dragon. You could keep the lore, but at most, I would say, make this a Noble (a defendant of Primal dragons). I really think this would save you a lot of effort.

2) Parts the feel rushed-

Rain and Moon's disagreement and resolution of their argument over Moon's paintings.

Not rushed exactly, but Rainbow Dash's comments feel… like an unnecessary break in the tale about Moon's painting. This is coming from one who argued FOR keeping the main six making intermittent comments, note. I'd go for a normal transition here.

This chapter doesn't have NEARLY the build up of the previous arch.

Could stand further elaboration the Storm Warning alert. Perhaps the rarity of the event, and the severity of the conditions that lead up to them. Give it the potential of a true emergency, and it's effect on the city.

Increase the conditions description of the storm while the pegasi attack it. Not just he solidity, but let me feel how intense the winds are, the slashing lightning, and heavy pressure - something to justify their screaming at one another to retreat. Otherwise, the first strategy that springs to mind would be for the 200+ pegasi to line up on one side and try to push it off course.

>Then lightning struck the restaurant itself, and everything descended into complete chaos.
You're better than that, don't end it there!

>The storm took more than an hour to pass,
I was under the impression we were on a collision course. How did it pass? Above? Did it collide with any part of the city? Was it more solid than the city?

Hmm. You segue from a city-wide gathering with the mayor's announcement, into debate between the main characters who are still in two groups, shouting at one another. You go from public to private a bit too easily here. I doubt the mayor, or any other ponies, for that matter, would tolerate such a vitriolic exchange for so long while they're having an emergency council. I'd save this for when they're alone. Great dialogue btw.

Oh boy. Rushed. Yep. I feel that strongly with Moon's immediate suggestion of the EoH to combat the elemental dragon. She just… jumps right to it. Maybe have her take off from the crowd saying she might have an idea, the others follow her shouting at one another with their running argument (a device is needed here to get Prism an Co to tag along) and.. hmm. I wouldn't care to get too episodic with this, echoing Twilights own hunt through the library. Anyway, that was a notion off the top of my head.

Rushed with Prism getting manipulated into going to hunt for them as well. You've got the device down, there's just not enough substance in his agreement. I need more believability in these pegasi's decision to rush off without a plan to who knows where in search of some mythical artifact when the city is gonna be destroyed like, the next night.

3) Wobbly Motivation-

Eeyup. Sounds like a brainstorming session may be in order.

>mfw you're this far on this arch compared to what I have for my own next chapter
>> No. 34226
Wasn't able to get to this yesterday. Let's see what you've come up with...

...Wait, shouldn't this be chapter 4, not 6? (IV, not VI) And for that matter, isn't this actually chapter 3 in the first place?

The idea of the Primal Dragons doesn't stand out as odd, at least not from the onset. That there was something which ruled Equestria before the ponies seems very natural, and why not dragons?

The introduction of Rain Shadow is pretty telly, all things considered, what with laying out their personalities before we've heard more than a line of dialogue pass between them. We get a really good view of what Rain's like in the next few paragraphs -- "Watch where you're going, flank-face!" That cracked me up! -- all that description is entirely unnecessary. You do this again with Prism, including replicating the 'threading the needle' line; obviously, we need less of the description when he first shows up, save to say who he is.

"His personality... kind of matched his personality" I think you left something out there. And again you're describing the personalities instead of letting them flow forth through the dialogue. I don't remember you having done this with the previous chapter, which is why I'm harping on it. Also, I think removing these large expositions would help tighten up the pacing, since that was another thing you're worried about. (So far, only the first third or so seems slow; things pick up once they begin prepping the storm teams.)

Hahaha, can it, Rarity! And I like how zebras are spoken of in the same breath as manticores and Ursas. Legendary!

Again with Sunbeam. "If there was one thing that defined Sunbeam above all else..." Again, DON'T TELL US. We get to see her do her thing in the restaurant. You can do this; those whistles after Sweet Water's name is mentioned tell me plenty about her. (Except whether or not she'll be a main character; aren't we up to six already? What about Blacksky? Kudos for having more named, filled-out characters than are necessary for just the Elements.) All that said, Sunbeam's reaction to the devastation and apparent inability of the storm corps to do anything about it lacks some oomph. I think we might need to see more of her from the outset.

Before that, another spot, beginning with "In fact", talking about Hurricane. I'd like to see more of this: how are ponies treating him, and how is his tactlessness deflating that initial hero-worship?

'"One weather corps screw-up and we all have to suffer?" The mayor' Did nothing, apparently. This scene is great, by the way, capturing the frantic anger of the townsfolk.

I find myself wondering about Celestia's declaration that she can't be there to help them. Surely Cloudsdale's importance as the center of weather creation for the entirety of Equestria merits some level of direct royal assistance? Even if she can't be there herself; even if she says that she has to help another town or two first. I can't imagine that she simply wouldn't be there, or at least not send assistance from Canterlot. Unless things are really bad elsewhere. Or she's leaving them to their own devices in order to troll new Bearers out of the city, as she's still looking for a group of six ponies not only worthy enough to bear the Elements, but also powerful enough that they can help her bring back Nightmare Moon and restore her as Luna before the fated day occurs and she's stuck hoping that there are six worthy ponies even available in the first place?

Ohsnap at the Pirates reference.

As for them going off to search for the Elements... Hmm, yeah, maybe a tad flimsy, but easily bolstered. Two things: first, play up Black Moon's knowledge of legends. I wasn't really sure, reading through the part about the owlbear, whether she was making things up, reading legends, hearing them, or what exactly. She obviously spends a lot of time reading legends, so we need to see this at some point. And the way she's set up, it sounds like she's just interested in monsters, which is again why I was a little surprised that she was the one who brought up the Elements.

Second: play up the damage a big storm can cause to Cloudsdale. From the passing of that first storm, it sounds like they just lost some walls -- easily repaired -- and a few dozen storm corps pegasi got hurt because they were out in the middle of it. I have to imagine that, with a storm as large, intensely powerful, and solid (pegasus-proof, if you prefer) as this one, a city made of clouds would be in tremendous danger. Add to that the idea that they never get storms (and why would they? nothing to grow, and inclement weather is detrimental to a pegasus' getting around), which you should also play up early on, along with the subsequent factor that no one knows how to deal with them, and you're looking at Katrina levels of catastrophic potential. Make that first storm take them to the brink. Devastate the city, take it to the edge of what they can cope with, even with outside help, so that the specter of being hit by a second storm in quick succession makes it look like they're not going to have a freaking city by the time it's over. Pavement clouds torn apart by sheets of rain, houses evaporated by lightning and shifted around by the gusting winds. I really can't imagine that a cloud city could stand up to something like that, is what I'm saying.

Playing up the danger quotient ups the willingness to chase after shadows, not to mention the townsfolk might be talked into evacuation a little easier. (Of course, going back to the Katrina comparison, people are willing to face down utter annihilation in the name of staying home; I imagine ponies are no different.) But this all needs to be happening early on in the story to build tension, and it needs to be realized when the storm hits.

With all that out of the way, I want to leave off by saying, I really like the dynamic in this one. Like in the first story, you've got two opposing groups setting out together for the Elements, but in the first case, they were on opposite 'teams' and ultimately not involved enough in the rivalry of their towns to let it prevent them from coming together. In this case, there's already heated, personal animosity between numerous individuals, and that's ultimately going to be even harder to overcome in the long run. Sets up a great drama!
>> No. 34568

I fixed up a few things here and there and added in a few suggestions.
>> No. 34808
You're movin' pretty quickly with this! I am still confused about the chapter numbers.

You know, I think removing the 'prologue' about the Primal Dragons was a really good idea. Improvement on Rain Shadow's introduction.

That thing with the streets being torn away, that's what I was looking for! The ending is a distinct improvement as well. Other than that, I'm not seeing a whole lot of changes in this -- that I notice, anyway -- so I guess I'll just wait for more to be added to the chapter!
>> No. 34920
To make things less obtuse for the benefit of people on Equestria Daily, I changed the numbering system from Chapter I, Chapter II Part 1/2/3/4, Chapter III Part 1 to Chapter I, II, III, IV, etc.
>> No. 35156
OHH! That's right, I totally forgot about that. @[email protected] Sorry for giving you a hard time over it.
>> No. 35209
Meh, hard time? Hardly :P
>> No. 36420

Got a lot on my mind working with a roleplay arc over in /rp/ right now (which may turn into a fairly grimdark fic novelisation at some point), but this is the final draft of Chapter VI. I'm going to submit it to Sethisto ASAP unless anyone has any massive objections.
>> No. 36641
>> No. 36775
Just hit EqD.
>> No. 36875
I'll tell ya, it's weird not having the whole part to tackle at once, but it does make for an easier read, time-wise.
>> No. 37929
That's the idea!

Now if only I could get over my massive writer's block. This was the of the story I most wanted to write when I was planning everything, but now that it's here, all I want to do is get it over with and get onto the third part, which I have way more actual ideas for.

As always, /fic/tionistas, your continued support is very much appreciated.
>> No. 37941
Your writing here got me thinking. I don't know if I'll use this concept in the current story cycle, but I thought I'd put this out here in case anyone wants to use it. Feel free to - all I ask is that you credit me if you do.

I came up with the idea of the metaphorical "light" that an Element represents "casting a shadow", as it were. This shadow represents the horror of an Element's virtue turned upon itself. Thus, the wielder of an Element "falling into shadow" would be an utterly terrible thing. I wrote these descriptions down:

“The Element of Honesty's shadow is Falsehood, the corruption and destruction of the truth to serve selfish ends.”

“The Element of Kindness' shadow is Cruelty, the use of power to cause pain and suffering thoughtlessly.”

“The Element of Laughter's shadow is Despair, the loss of hope and happiness.”

“The Element of Generosity's shadow is Greed, the selfish, uncaring drive to possess at the expense of others.”

“The Element of Loyalty's shadow is Betrayal, the abandonment of trust and friendship for personal gain.”

“The Element of Magic is the most dangerous of all, because it is its own shadow. The Element of Magic is not a feeling, or a thought, or a principle. It is pure power, undiluted, untempered. To fall to their own shadows, the wielders of other Elements must turn against the virtue they embody, but for the Element of Magic's bearer to step into that same abyss requires simply that they forget the responsibility which comes with wielding such amazing power.”
>> No. 38047
My first thought is that everyone and their brother is doing Elements of Discord, but that's probably just my ego talking (your anti-Element names are 2/3 the same as mine, which only shows me that my ideas are not very clever; even the lack of a distinct opposite for Magic is something I came up with). That said, the 'shadow' thing is an interesting take on the idea. It doesn't sound like that would be taking the mirror universe path, which I think most others (including myself) do.
>> No. 38054
ffff, that was me.
>> No. 38289
While I'm waiting for my writer's block to fade, I wrote this:

Have a look.
>> No. 45334
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I'm sorry I've kept you all waiting so long, but I just can't seem to write anything. I'm still stuck at the same sentence I was weeks ago and I just can't write anything more at the moment.
>> No. 45899
No need to apologize, it happens to the best of us.

That said, try this: open a new document. Put in that last sentence that you're stuck on. Start writing. Push those words out like you just ate a dozen oatmeal raisin cookies. are you crazy Write about pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. Write recipes. Write whatever word is going through your head at the moment. KILLKILLKILLKILL Write it a dozen times or more if you have to.

Give yourself a time limit. Don't stop writing until the buzzer buzzes. When it's all done, delete what you just wrote (unless you suddenly had a flash of brilliance, in which case, save that bit). Repeat the process again the next day, as needed, until the words flow from your fingers like you just ate at Taco Bell for the third time since Sunday.

Yes, I just compared writing to taking a dump twice. It's what I do. You can thank me later.
>> No. 45902
I apologize in advance for this.

Can you do that? Can Taco Bell make you explode twice?
>> No. 46061
If you aren't careful, somewhere a bird will also explode.
>> No. 46064
Yep, you don't want to anger Johnniepear.
>> No. 48901
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So Season 2 looks like it may cause irreconcileable plot issues with Spirits of Harmony. This series is on haitus until I can check out precisely what they are and how - or if - I can resolve them. In the meantime, I'll be working on a Shadowbolts fic series and possibly expanding my Facets series of alternate character interpretations (which you can find here: >>38003 ).

I apologise profusely for the inconvenience.
>> No. 48928
Don't give up on it, though, even if canon contradicts it. Just throw a season-1 tag on it so we know canon is contraindicated. :) Lots of authors will have to deal with this in the future.
>> No. 48932
Just slap on that "Season 1" tag and you're good to go... and most likely, Season 2 won't interfere too much with the story, if at all. Unless they all become lesbian... *10 second pause* Pray. Pray that it happens.

Anyhow, slap on a "Season 1" tag and I see no problem. I mean, the story is fucking great, one of the best I've read, and the premise is excellent. Unless you get a 3 month writers block (I'm gonna kill myself soon) then you're good to go!

I like this "boring" samurai. Seems more social :D
>> No. 48936
In the meantime, please go see my other work at >>48904
>> No. 50105
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Right, let's see. Apparent plot complications so far (spoilered for safety):

- The Elements of Harmony were kept sealed in Canterlot Tower, not kept by the Mane 6 in their own homes.
- The Elements were bound to Celestia and Luna somehow.

That's a surprisingly small number of complications, all things considered. Shall we endeavour to work out how the story can be rectified?
>> No. 50113
So easy.
Number 1 doesn't sit well with me for a lot of reasons, I'd flat out ignore it.
Number 2- They were the ORIGINAL bearers, at least in their rule. Simply adjust timeline as needed, which really isn't much at all.

I've got your new work on my queue, and I'll certainly check it out. BUT I'd really love for you to finish SoH. As in a lot.
>> No. 50118
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>Number 2
I'm OK with this...

But seriously dude, Seattle, I love you bro, but...

>Number 1
>I'd flat out ignore it.
>I'd flat out ignore canon.
Not sure if serious.
>> No. 50122
Considering it's fanfiction and that going back and changing every single thing you write every time canon changes (oh boy, was transformers fun) is ridiculous, I agree with him and say he is being completely serious, because, at the end, none of your stories have anything canon about them.
>> No. 50124
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Cuz it's damned STUPID, that's why! Firstly, the EoH are ephemeral by nature, tied to the spirits of the bearers more than to their physical manifestations of necklaces and tiara, as evidenced by EP 2 of Season 1.
Why would Celly hoard the jewels if she can't use them? EH? … or… ORRRR, you could capitalize on this! Use your events in your upcoming character arches as oblique reasons as to WHY Celly decided to hold onto the EoH with the main six.
>> No. 50176
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Interesting point. When I'm not livering half a bottle of wine, I'll think about how to incorporate that suggestion into SoH.
>> No. 50181
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>half a bottle of wine

>welcome to my world
>> No. 50187
This does seem like more a discussion for /pony/ but something did occur to me...

Actually consider Nightmare Moon's actions - She smashes the original 'element' orbs and assumes her victory is complete - suggesting that the pony who's second most likely in the world to know what the Elements are believes that they're physical. This is only one item which suggests that the physical manifestation of the elements are the true forms. So it's not really that stupid after all.
>> No. 50190
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As this is for Storm's fic, I think it's appropriate to discuss this here. (Storm, if you want us to stop, just say so).

So, THAT. Is an excellent point. Unless you draw a line between NMM and Luna (which I do, though who knows how much longer that'll hold up).
AND bear in mind it's been a thousand years, and maybe the EoH were new to the sisters as the first bearers. Powerful, mysterious artifacts, neh? Maybe Celly didn't learn otherwise until they found other bearers, as Storm could accentuate (if he so chooses).

... I don't... think any of that needs to be spoilered...
>> No. 50200
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>> No. 50220
>hnnnng where the hell is my jpg shoop of Luna's head on Mel Gibson from Braveheart running down the hill in a kilt, sword on high screaming "FREEDOOOOOOM"

>> No. 50353
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>if you want us to stop
>this thread gets free bumps
>still not sure if serious ;)
>> No. 50358
I still say we need to involve the G-man somehow... I mean, he can travel through dimensions like it's a bad joke, I'm sure he has ponies in his uni-dimensional house or something.
>> No. 50509
I was waiting for your reaction to the canon. (There's spoilers in this whole thing, just don't read it if you don't want to be spoiled on season 2 so far.)

I think you have to almost ask the question of "where do the Elements come from?" Almost.

I dunno, I'll just answer the damn questions. The elements being in their homes can easily be removed from this, I think; since s1 canon says they're internal, as has been mentioned, they can still talk to the mane 6 without the baubels being present...

Okay, complication. Discord TOOK the Elements away. As in, the physical manifestations. Without which they can't be used. We can say that, given his Q continuum godmoding abilities, he can just keep them from being usable at his will, but that feels like a bit of a copout. It's possible nevertheless that they're still able to have a connection to them without having them present, they just wouldn't be able to use them.

As for them being connected to Luna and Celestia... Perhaps using more than one element causes ascendancy. I was discussing this with a friend the other day: when they sealed Discord away, Celestia and Luna most likely would have been using three elements each (whether or not they started off in a group of 6 is irrelevant to this discussion), which would cause ascendancy to alicorn form, most likely granting immortality and the power to raise the sun and moon. (There's another explanation for that, but I won't get into it.) Fanon has more or less always accepted that Celestia got her current form when she used all six elements to banish Nightmare Moon.

So it stands to reason, I think, that there's a possibility that using the elements in this manner takes one outside their influence; say, because they were suddenly no longer able to die, and thus the elements could not be passed on the normal way. Or maybe they were able to dissociate themselves from the elements so that others could use them; thus the timeframe of when they could have been used by other ponies is between now and either one thousand years ago (at the very earliest) or the end of Discord's reign.

Of course, the easy option is just to ask Sethisto for a season-1 tag on your story. I just realized I have to do that now myself.
>> No. 51942
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As a sort of apology (particularly to Seattle. Present and Kim Fluttershy) for taking so goddamn long with the next chapter while I work out my issues with Spirits of Harmony, here's the ensemble of all the six Bearers from "The War That Never Was". I hope they're easy enough to match to their characters in the literature, but just in case, here's the list.

On the left we have the Hoofington brigade, earth ponies every one. From top, Strawberry, Cinnamon, Morning Song and Star Gazer.

On the right we have the Saddle Wood duo, from top, Thunderclap and Silver Spark and yes, Silver Spark's colour scheme is familiar to you for a reason.
>> No. 52048
Oh awesome! :D (I have to do this myself sometime!)

I always imagined Morning Song being a little more sea green.
>> No. 52050
Goddamn, I should really put my name back in the name field now. That was me.
>> No. 55474
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I'm thinking about writing the third story before I finish the second.

I don't think I'd have as serious a case of writer's block if I did it that way. I wouldn't be able to release it to EqD but I would be able to at least get it out here for reviewers.
>> No. 55478
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>> No. 55514
This sounds like a good idea. Blast down that writer's block!
>> No. 55557
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I doth glare at you in suspicion sir.
Playing with my emotions shall result in fisticuffs, be forewarned.
>> No. 69366
I am going to bump this as we've not heard anything in quite some time. Stormchaser, you ever work out the deal with season 2?
>> No. 69370
I am also curious about that Shadowbolts and Wonderbolts fic.
>> No. 69408
Ooh, are you talking about >>38003? Because that was also good. :D
>> No. 69412

Me too.
>> No. 70946
There's going to have to be some fairly big rewrites, both to fix general stiffness-of-prose issues and to make the story fit the new canon of season 2. Shouldn't be all that hard though, Season 2 didn't screw things up quite as badly as I thought they would.

I'm still alive. Had hand surgery recently and haven't been in a fic-writing mood the past few months.
>> No. 71035
Well that's totally understandable! Hope that surgery helped. :)

As for fixing re: canon, I'd wait until after the next episode at least. It's sure to be a fanon-destroyer.
>> No. 71044
That's my plan.
>> No. 86537
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Right. No. I've kept you all waiting too long for this.

I'm going through everything I've written in Spirits of Harmony so far and rewriting it until I'm happy with it, even if that means I have to do entire chapters over again. Maybe once I do that, I can start moving forward again. The more I look at the completed chapters the more dissatisfied I feel, and I'm never going to be able to write new material until I can get rid of that feeling.

Original (for comparison purposes):


This is the rewritten Chapter I. I'll be moving on to the first proper story section soon.
>> No. 86571
I admire your drive.

Honestly? It's probably due to how long you've been writing this work. Your style and tastes have no doubt changed, and it's been long enough that you being dissatisfied with the older chapters comes as no surprise. :B No suggestions, but I hope this works for you, I still want to see more. :D
>> No. 86583
Well, like, some things just didn't work and I should have seen wouldn't work from the start, like the mass-introduction sections. That's too much information too fast. That bit got axed and nopony will miss it.

I've also been hard at work removing sentences or phrases that struck me as purple or superfluous. I saw a thread on /fic/ recently that said a truly talented writer doesn't need to use all that many words to get his point across and I'm trying to live up to that. Nevertheless, wordcount in the new version has actually increased, because I've added new dialogue in sections I felt were a bit rushed. Hopefully this'll help sell the piece better - the transition from Mane 6 to OC now happens with a slightly softer "CLUNK" than before.

I've got over my issues writing for Pinkie Pie. I'm still having a lot of trouble writing for Rarity and a few irritations writing for Fluttershy but all the other characters come naturally.

Also, you'll notice I've reformatted the document significantly for ease of reading. I bet more than a few readers were driven away by my immense wall of text last time.
>> No. 86817
Good to hear. :) There's nothing harder than finding out your writing doesn't live up to your own standards, but I'm glad you're dedicated enough to improve it instead of giving up. :D
>> No. 97408
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For all those still interested in this fic, I finally got all the existing chapters revised to my satisfaction, and I've released the new one!


Massive shout-out to Kurbz, who's been not only an excellent reviewer but an excellent buddy through the harrowing process of getting me basically satisfied with my own work.
>> No. 97545
I hadn't realized this was star-6. :D Congrats on that, dude!
>> No. 97546
I had no idea it was star-6, and well deserved at that. :D Congrats!
>> No. 97854
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EXCELLENT new chapter Storm! I enjoyed it too much to go into review mode, so I don't have much in that regard. Just wanted to tell ya how much I enjoyed the development. Actually had to go back an read the previous chapter to get back in perspective, which drew back a slue of memories of "Oh shit, I remember asking for it to go like that".

Soooooo, when's the next chapter comin out, eh? EH??
>> No. 97859
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Hey Seattle! It's nice to hear from you again! :D

I'm working on Chapter 8 right now, but it's going slow 'cause I'm hung up on a scene I can't end and I've been having trouble sleeping right lately. Also, my second monitor is on the blink (literally) so I don't always have access to a proper workspace.
>> No. 97932
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Good to see you too buddy!

> hung up on a scene I can't end
You don't say? Welllllll... you want an extra pair of eyes? I admit, I may be half-motivated by my love of spoilers, but I'd like to help out with this great story again, if you want.

Good luck gettin' some shut eye mate, I recommend whiskey!
>> No. 103208
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Oh, also, have some art. Credit to C4tspajamas.
>> No. 103230
Very excited to continue on. :D We're broaching new territory!
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