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30348 No. 30348
TL;DR: I review stories and people appear to think I’m quite good. Go to >>17970 to see if you want my help and I shall oblige, assuming you agree that I can take as long as I need to do it. I am particularly interested in helping fledging artist, although established ones can come as well.

Greetings to all those that happen to read this sentence, I welcome you to my review thread. I originally came here to help new writers improve their stories by using a bit of my experience and knack for story making as to make sure their stories were as good as they could make them. Work, time and family (in addition to the fact that most of the people I attempted to help left without a trance) however conspired against me going to individual threads to help people.

Thus, I made this thread >>17970 where people could come over and ask me to give them my sincere opinion about their stories and how I think they could improve their plots or their writing (sometimes both). Considering how much it grew and how little time I still have, I have decided to make another thread as to make it easier to go through (300+ post are also a hell to load on slow internet).

Now, here are some rules for you:

1.)I request you keep cordial at all times, any conflicts you might have with another poster I kindly request you keep it out of my thread. I respect everyone that enters and I can only hope you also respect me enough to do this.

2.)This thread is made with the specific point of helping improve the stories present to the best of my ability and as such I ask you to expect only blunt, if respectful, comments about your story. I shall only praise you if truly deserve it.

3.)I shall take as long I desire to make your review, so don’t expect rapid responses or specific dates for them, I shall post them as I make them. The one thing I can promise you is that I shall take a good amount of effort on each review.

4.)The post on this thread can only of three kinds: stories to be reviewed, comments about said reviews and comments directed at me. I shall answer no questions related, but not limited, to grammar, punctuation, my writing record, why I don’t get a tripcode, what kind of music is best to troll people with or anything not review related. So yeah, don’t feed the trolls please, I had enough of that already.

5.)Whenever you are presenting a story to me please make sure I can either copy paste it with the right formatting (DA, FF, etc.) or download the document (Gdocs in edit rather than preview mode). My reviews require I convert the document to my formatting to make it easier to review and having to do that directly from the web is simply not an option.

6.)Under no circumstance you shall ask me for an edit because I shall outright refuse and never offer to do it for you in the future. If I feel the desire to edit I shall go to you, don’t come to me.

For those that might have questions about why I take so long and what exactly I do in my review process, these are the steps:

1.) Separate the story into smaller segments read the last section and then randomly read the rest of the sections while taking notes. I should be able to reorganize it in the right order or there is a problem with your story, thus letting me know if your sequence of events is logical or if they seem rushed, implausible or just plain stupid.

2.) Read the story backwards, taking care to ask what elements need an explanation for it. So by the end of this I should have a map were all the elements connect to the elements I found first, if they are unexplained or elements connections stop before helping the final element then I know what are the plot problems, what is unnecessary and what is left unexplained.

3.) I separate the work into sections of characters, taking care to see their reactions and actions, developing an internal mental map. The same procedure is used for society, rules of nature and such. It looks pretty gutted but it makes sure the character, environment and background characters are consistent with each other.

4.) A normal reading just checking for major mistakes in punctuation, grammar, word choice and similar data. Kind of what most people do.

Well, I think that covers everything, so come in, post your stories, get a review.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 30354
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Here are all the reviews I have done, feel free to peruse through them to see what I’m more or less about and how many times I have done this.

Review count: 55 reviews

¬ Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel(revision1) NickNack:>>29993 / ¬ A Broken Bond Rated-R PonyStar:>>29979 - >>29981 / ¬ Pinkie Pie and Nothing More PresentPerfect:>>29977 / ¬ Arddun Lleaud Pride:>>29974 - >>29975 / ¬ Bricks Ch4-5 ThePower:>>29415 / ¬ O4 Lightsideluc: >>29411 / ¬ Closer To Heaven Garnot:>>29402 / ¬ Emotional Warfare IronPony:>>28462 / ¬ Aftermath groovymann:>>28460 / ¬ Dot Dot Dot Bannhammer:>>28459 / ¬ Singing to the Moon uSea:>>28456 / ¬ The Elements of Awesomery PresentPerfect:>>28261 / ¬An Azure Future Krass McWriter: >>27350 - >>27352 / ¬ Cooking Floor Pt1 Starberry Burst: >>27347 / ¬ Divergence Seattle_Lite:>>27344 / ¬ RDBCNTH FireEsper:>>27342 / ¬ Spirits of Harmony Chapter II Stormchaser:>>27340 / ¬ The Art of Cooking Grif: >>27338 / ¬ Friendship is Tragic Vermillon Kagamin: >>27337 / ¬ Carousel Vanner: >>25998 / ¬ Two Seasons TwilightSnarkle: >>25997 / ¬ PonyNoir-Prologue Garnot :>>25995 / ¬ The Kindness of Strangers Lysis: >>25994 / ¬ Naamloos document Ebon Topaz: >>25784 / ¬ I won’t see you tonight CoffeGrunt: >>25782 / ¬ How Equestria was Made Batsy:>>25780 / ¬Breath-Taking ThePower :>>25779 / ¬ Apples, Apples, Apples Anon: >>25778 / ¬ A.I.C EoD MLPLOS Chaos Nux: >>25776 / ¬ Equines and Exalts (prolougue and Ch. 1) DorianCreed: >>25328 / ¬Paries Transmuto Ch1 Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>24558 / ¬Masquerade! KidNeo: >>24554 / ¬Twilight Rhapsody Lady Luna: >>24542 / ¬I just want to Fly [/b]Dragnauv[/b]: >>24534 / ¬A Good Host N.K.: >>24515 / ¬ Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel Nick.Nack: >> 22975 - >> 22976 / ¬Vermächtnis Suche, Prologue Nick.Nack: >>22205 / ¬ I Just Want To Fly Dragnauv: >>21909 / ¬ Enemy Mine Everything Man: >>21425 / ¬Stargazing PanDotthast: >>21333 / ¬MLP The Hangover Lucki Poni: >>21332 / ¬Android R1NGmasterJ5: >>20964 / ¬Day of Foals Squeak: >>20960 / ¬Storm Princess MoronSonOfBoron: >>20699 / ¬ Brave Heart Methinks:>>20590 / ¬Paries Transmuto: The Society of the Fourth Wall: >>20559 / ¬Division Arcifinious: >>19943 / ¬Loves Games Scribe: >>19740 / ¬*feeler* Rarity Disaster/Romance(>>18112) Desert Rose: >>19392 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Stormchaser: >>19349 / ¬Out of their Element Evilgenius123: >>19166 / ¬In Her Majesty's Royal Service Sagebrush: >>19000 / ¬Right Before Your Eyes PresentPerfect: >>18831 / ¬Helix Aspera StarmanTheta: >>18411 / ¬Maverick Lightsideluc: >>18130

All those that have received reviews are encourage, but not force, to either comment about the stories in uncommented (or rather, uncriticized) threads or refer them to the various review threads as for them to get some guidance into the world of writing (original or otherwise).
>> No. 30367
... Well, you've got my attention.

I'm presently writing a fic about Spanish conquistadores who find themselves in Equestria. And while that sounds incredibly cheesy when I put it like that, I've always been a fairly competent writer and I've got plans. Anyway, I've just finished up the prologue and would like your opinion. This is the part I'm most nervous about really, so your help would be appreciated, but if you'd rather not spend effort on a fragment of a story I completely understand.

I'm a bit cautious with Gdocs though, and would rather not give edit permission to the whole wide world. I can give you the public preview version below:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eRQdG9xtr-Gt24Ys68AvuTisbPZ6x-HWVRAXwSg8pi4/edit?hl=en_US

But if that's not enough I'd be more than happy to set up an alternative doc.

Anyway, I hope you find what little there is worthwhile.
>> No. 30610
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>>30348
Glad I didn't miss this thread. Been sick for the last two days, so I've missed my fair share.

You Samurai, you deserve a medal.
>> No. 30718
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http://poetoffate.deviantart.com/art/One-Last-Party-Favor-217095596

This is the story i would like you to review, i am quite aware of the grammar mistakes however, and plan to revise them. to be honest, i am nervous about asking this to be reviewed, as it was basically laughed out of its last posting, but i am looking for a good, proper review. Thank you for your time should you get around to it.
>> No. 30880
Reposting the links to my stories on request of Samurai Anon.

Pony Effect:
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-pony-effect_23.html

Lyrical Musings:
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/07/story-lyrical-musings.html

The Art of Cooking (Speedfic Challenge):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vSW9Ayr2w9ul3tznbNIhOtPhVkICXjTTfWNvNbU63Ts/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CP3grvYN
>> No. 30972
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30972
As requested, here is Lost In The Crowd.

Part 1: http://goo.gl/ZDywS
Part 2: http://goo.gl/cly47
Part 3: http://goo.gl/A73vl

I know Part 1 goes on a little too long, and the entire intro could do with a re-write. I'm not terribly happy with it in its current state... however, I'm a firm believer in learning from mistakes and not trying to re-write history, so to speak.

Thank you for your extra effort and time!
>> No. 31050
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>>30880

TL;DR: Your dialogue punctuation needs a lot of work. Additionally your punctuation for thoughts is nonexistent and it needs to be fix pronto. Tense issues, gender issues, misspelled words, incorrect words, missing words and similar host of issues are also present. Story wise? Solid is the best word I have, an adventure tale where you weaved all the main characters into a completely different storyline without too many issues.

>First, an apology, the first review was so bad I actually had to expunged it from my computer as it was the veritable face of suck. I hope this proves to be more helpful.

Let’s begin with the clarification that I only know Mass Effect as much as I was able to coerce out from my nephew, with some wikis thrown my way as garnish, so my critiques might affect the storyline in ways I might not comphrehend. Onwards.

First, let’s talk about your sloppy writing. Yes, sloppy. As my first point of evidence:
> With speed and efficiency she could scarcely credit the normally laidback workers of the starport, she was whisked through the starport.

Let’s start with the basic things, for example asking you why did you put a second starport in that sentence. I mean, starport workers would work in a startport and as reader I would assume they would whisked through the starport (having starport workers whisk her away through a hospital would be odd and awkward). Whenever you write you must always ask yourself “did I already mention this fact or made it obvious by using something I mention previously?” If the answer is yes, then don’t repeat it. Say she was whisked through the terminal, say she was whisked away to her ship, say anything but repeating the same word you said in the same sentence to boot. Not as blatant as this but similar sentence are in the text, please change those.

Now, let’s talk about time:
>“I thought geth has not been seen since three hundred years ago.” Twilight said thoughfully, recalling her history books on the Geth-Quarian War.

There is one thing I wanted to focus with this one and that is timing (and thus tense) issues that plague the text (although other issues I shall mention because you do them a lot too). See that has? Has is a present word as in “has anyone seen my bike?” which sets the timing in reference to the present. Now, by saying has in your sentence you are putting the timing wrong, the fact applejack has seen them makes it obvious that someone has. In the other hand, “I thought geth had not been seen…” is placed in the past, as it should be, because Twilight is saying in reference to a point in the past (300 years ago) rather than the present or the future as has would imply. Additionally, you don’t have comma in there which means that for all effective reading purposes the fact she spoke is separated from what she said, which is logically implausible. You also have many instances where you have a period instead of a comma, so fix that too in addition of your timing issues. And finally, are the geth a single entity? Otherwise you, like also many other instances, are missing a very important word: a “the” between thought and geth. Now, if geth is a single thing (no, hiveminds aren’t a single thing, they are simply many individuals using a single mind) then sure, feel free to not add that so geth doesn’t get single out, otherwise check your writing for missing words (and double words for that matter).

Here are other sentences so you see those issues in that sentence aren’t isolated:
>“Nihilus is also here for another purpose, to evaluate you.” Trixie’s eyes was shifty.
Timing.

>“Yes, Commander. I pray you settled into your new ship.” Lyra replied affably.
Period instead of comma.

Let’s now turn to some very… weird thoughts:
> Why in the name of Equestria does it have to be her? she thought rather gloomily (source in italics)
Call me a purist, but I like my thoughts to be separated from the rest of the text like good old dialogues or written in prose rather than expressed in that manner. I can’t really count how many such thoughts you had without the necessary “-“ to make it kosher (ok, I can, I counted up to 7 when I decided to stop and just tell you to fix it) and thus I will kindly ask you to do so too.

Another global issue: side coments.
> Not that ponyfolks needed biotics to begin with, since unicorn ponies have innate magical abilities.

> Maybe Trixie does have some ability hidden behind all that bravado.


Why in the world is that there? Who though that up? Twilight? Without italics or saying that someone thought of it? The author? Why are you putting yourself into the story? This sort of side comment attributed to no one grated me a bit to say the least and they did nothing to expand the story as we already know both of this. This isn’t just a case of adding unnecessary details, this are sentence that outright shouldn’t be there and they aren’t alone. Also, timing issue rearing its ugly head again in the second one.

Additionally, I don’t know if it’s on purpose, but Angel appears to not only be a biotic, but also one of the greatest sex changers of history. As proof:
>”Now Fluttershy, you know angel needs a new outfit. I won’t let him go into a fight with that horrible outfit of hers.”

I had a variety of sentences to use as example, but this one compressed the problem in such a beautiful manner I had to choose this one. In a single sentence, without breaking even for pause, you made him into a her. Now, I’m as accepting of oddities as the next guy, but a bunny that changes sex midsentence is a bit too much for me. And the worse part? You do this throughout the whole text and that seriously made me cringe more than once, particularly in cases where you refer to angel with one sex and then jumped to the other.

Enough writing, the basic point is that you need to go over the whole text. Now, story wise, I like what I read. From my basic understanding of Mass Effect and FiM you seem to have things pretty much nailed down, combining elements of both to make it an interesting read. Now, if you stick to just pluging in the main cast into the Mass effect story I don’t think you should have any problems. Couple of things thought that are more food for thought rather than actual criticism:

1.)Pinkie Pie has a stare? I thought that was Fluttershy.

2.)How famous is Pinkie Pie that Trixie knew to distract her with a party? Am I missing something?

3.)Scootaloo’s memory jumps almost randomly from third person to first person and back so many times it stopped being funny. If you are going to make it be a memory (you describing what has happened directly to the reader without interacting with other characters) put it in first person, a flashback (normally use when the character begins telling a particular character their story and the reader just tags along for the ride) stick to the third person, but combining both is difficult and more often than not obnoxious.

And that’s all I have, I hope this helps.
>> No. 31051
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>MFW I see all the reviews you've done. My Celestia on high you're dedicated. Remind me if I ever happen to be bestowed with the power to give medals through the internet to put you somewhere near the top of the list.
>> No. 31053
I suppose I have been a bit pushy with trying to get somebody to review it, but would you please review this? I'm new to writing, I would count this as my first story of any time. So please oh please give it a look

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/212/Across-the-Otherverse
>> No. 31071
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>>31050
Thank you again. I knew my writing was sloppy as soon as you hinted at it in your preview and I took an hour or so to read back the mess that I wrote. Very... embarrassing to say the least. Time for an extensive rewrite. (I hope the later chapters were better in terms of readability, since I think I got past most of the issues plaguing me from Chapter 1-3.)

>Let’s start with the basic things, for example asking you why did you put a second starport in that sentence.
/facepalm. Yes I'll change those right away.

>Another global issue: side coments.
All those thoughts should be Twilight's. I'll put italics for those next time. And maybe allude to them as such. Or just delete them altogether.

>Call me a purist, but I like my thoughts to be separated from the rest of the text like good old dialogues or written in prose rather than expressed in that manner. I can’t really count how many such thoughts you had without the necessary “-“ to make it kosher (ok, I can, I counted up to 7 when I decided to stop and just tell you to fix it) and thus I will kindly ask you to do so too.
Hm, okay. I am used to expressing thoughts in italics and leaving it as such without the "-". I believe some published authors do that as well. And yes, there are more than 7, I assure you. Perhaps I have been spoiled by bad authors?


> In the other hand, “I thought geth had not been seen…” is placed in the past, as it should be, because Twilight is saying in reference to a point in the past (300 years ago) rather than the present or the future as has would imply.
Ack! I didn't realise that. Thank you for that catch.

To answer your geth question, the geth in question is a sort of a hivemind (some sort of cloud computing gone berserk kind), and the sources/characters in the game often refer to them as such. So the lack of 'a' was intentional in the context of the Mass Effect universe.


>Additionally, I don’t know if it’s on purpose, but Angel appears to not only be a biotic, but also one of the greatest sex changers of history.
>You do this throughout the whole text and that seriously made me cringe more than once, particularly in cases where you refer to angel with one sex and then jumped to the other.
Yes, the gender change issue is jarring and that stemmed partly because I was basing Angel off another character when I wrote her into the story and the said character happened to be male. (and partly because of my own late-night writings). The same thing actually happened with both Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo, though I managed to correct those/had them pointed out to me before I submitted this to your review. Again, my apologies if I had caused you any undue distress due to my sloppy writing.


>1.)Pinkie Pie has a stare? I thought that was Fluttershy.
That one was played for comedic effect. I know very well Pinkie doesn't have a stare in canon. Just something I threw in for kicks.

>2.)How famous is Pinkie Pie that Trixie knew to distract her with a party? Am I missing something?
Station-wide famous. I think I implied it during one of Rainbow's monologue, though that could be easily missed. Also Trixie has been to the station a couple of times so she at least knew of her reputation.

>3.)Scootaloo’s memory jumps almost randomly from third person to first person and back so many times it stopped being funny.
Good to know. I wrote this up as part of my experiment to try something different. Since no one actually complained, well, I thought it was passable.


I must say this is just what I needed. Once again, my heartfelt thanks.
>> No. 31147
Aww, horsefeathers, why not.

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/29909.html

It's short and shippy. Have at it, my friend.
>> No. 31368
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>Considering you aren’t going to rewrite this please ignore my suggestion on the bottom.

>>30972

TL;DR: Writing wise, this pretty clean except for your insistence in putting both commas and exclamation marks rather than just of them as you should. Story wise? Your “lakitu” needs training… great stories all mashed up into something which I found a bit too thick to truly enjoy.

A story about ponies’ parties? “Goes check his previous reviews” Well, this is certainly interesting

Let’s talk about your writing. Please read the next sentence.
>“No, no, nothing like that!,” replied Rainbow Dash, sighing heavily. “I'm going to go find her, before things get really bad. Did you see where she went?”

If you haven’t noticed the mistake I will tell it to you: why in the good green earth is there a comma after the exclamation mark? As a matter of fact, I spend my a good while of my time on your 4th stage just stopping, seeing the commas, giving out a loud sigh, marking them an moving on. This is wrong, you must only have one punctuation mark within the quotation marks and if you add an ellipsis, a question mark or an exclamation mark the comma has no business being there. So yeah, can you do my OCD self a favor and change that?Yes, I’m a dialogue Nazi, it’s something I can’t help.

Also, look up the words: wont, Cheerliee and wish. Apostrophes, misspellings and timing issues respectively. All which repeat with other words too.

Other smaller and almost unimportant issues are present but I have a no edit policy.

Let’s talk about story.

The main issue with this story isn’t that it’s bad or that you have committed a sin against characterization, the issue is that this story doesn’t know what it’s about.

Within its core, and due to its name, the story appears to be how the party affected Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie after they get separated and due to various circumstances they can’t seem to join back. Call in lonely pinkie pie due to her feeling of personal failure due to her inability to do such a great party as the one she is in. Finish with a heartfelt moment, some odd drama and other stuff my inner reviewer just said “meh, sure, it’s his story, I won’t hurt you for saying it’s acceptable, luna seems to be neutral and old enough for the job anyway.” Completely focus on Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, this is a nice little fic.

Then we have Fluttershy’s story, where she suddenly finds she doesn’t need to act all scared of just about everything, and her gain of confidence due to how comfortable other ponies there make her feel. Or Rarity’s humbling due to again the cheerful nature of the party (as an added note Rarity sounds a bit too bitchy on this fic throughout the whole story). Or Twilight’s little moment of revelation, live isn’t all about studying, on the party (which frankly is the story you seem to get from the prologue.) I could add another whole series of storylines which are happening at an almost parallel manner within the story to pile it all up in a nice little whirlwind of me saying “ehmm… right.”

What made it all truly jarring however wasn’t just the pile up but rather the manner which the things piled up to begin with and it all relates to one thing, the way it’s narrated. What gave away what was the core story more than then ending was actually how no matter what happened the narrator was a “lakitu” (for lack of a better term) stuck behind Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. The issue comes to play when you see what the “lakitu” is actually focusing on. On one of the most cringing scenes of this sort was the whole bracelet explanation (and the utterance of the phrase “I will treasure your gift for as long as I live.” , a very serious statement to make over a bracelet if I may say so.) spend 617 words on things others than rainbow dash, which conveniently was frozen throughout this period of time for some reason (shock doesn’t work this way.) At this point I looked at my map and I noticed I had so many loose lines of development I had run out of lateral space to put them. Ergo, you kept the narrator in place but changed focus completely. For you to understand what this is the equivalent to, imagine if you were watching a newscast and then suddenly the camera didn’t focus on the presenters but instead on one of the mic technicians and his life story. That’s more or less the vibe I got.

Whenever you are writing you must make sure what are you writing for and what is the central purpose of the story. Is it a tale about two characters, their problems and their misunderstandings? Is the story about a certain event and how it affects characters? Is it some sort of slice of life where we just get events as they occur and the reader has to take it? Deciding what sort of tale you want to write is extremely important because it guides both what and how you present the story and, most importantly, the manner which they all connect. Clarity of purpose is essential in this case; as much as referencing your previous work is great (I have yet to read Common Sky, just putting it out there) and introducing as many characters into the story is a noble purpose (13 last time I counted) you must understand why they are there to begin with or what purpose does putting your lens on them does. Did putting the lens on the character reveal something which couldn’t have just been mentioned in a brief moment? Could whatever you describe the character doing have been better and more compact being seen by another character?

In writing, much as in movies, a shaky camera is sure way to make sure readers (or watchers) simply start tuning out the story until something else grabs their attention again. Focus on the character the story is about and don’t leave. Focus on their feelings, on their interactions with other characters that related to said character (a long talk about bands? What? Why?) and on their actions. Clever references and explicatory notes must be ease in rather than presented so blatantly. You want to have multiple stories going on? Then consider adding sub-plots, which are exactly what they sound like, they are plots that affect the overreaching plot in such a way you couldn’t just separate it and called a day.

Hell, if you decided to go the extra mile with this, I saw this story and immediately though of an old idea I had for another fandom inspired by Rashomon (yes, I just compared your story to one of the greatest piece of cinema ever made). You have 3-4 solid stories going on in here and quite frankly the failing point is not the stories themselves but rather the fact they feel like a giant pile-up. Separating them into 4 sections which related the party from each character perspective would allow you to use the stories, explore the changes that occurred with greater depth and additionally advance all events in a logical fashion. Thus, instead of doing the half-change of focus you currently do you would have clearly delimited changes, more character development and most importantly the story remains unchanged for the most part except for the changes in narration. End it with a completely third person narration and tata, you get a freaking medal.

And that is all I got, hope that was helpful.

>rave appropriate attire pic.
>> No. 31382
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Thank you very, very much for your review. It has been very educational, and it's given me a very clear view on how to improve my writing. Now, for my response...

>Separating them into 4 sections which related the party from each character perspective would allow you to use the stories, explore the changes that occurred with greater depth and additionally advance all events in a logical fashion. Thus, instead of doing the half-change of focus you currently do you would have clearly delimited changes, more character development and most importantly the story remains unchanged for the most part except for the changes in narration. End it with a completely third person narration and tata, you get a freaking medal.

So what you're saying is... do this in the format of something like, say, Pulp Fiction (which is very similar to, as you pointed out, Rashomon, in raw format)? Concurrent plot-lines, but with a strong enough focus and dividing lines between them to keep the viewer on target through them and the character's experiences? That's my interpretation of what you said, and if this is accurate, then I wholeheartedly agree.

The main plot-line I was attempting to present in the fic - the Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie self-revelations - ended up taking too long to get going because there was too much padding between their actions and the world around them, which is also what I managed to take away from the rest of your review.

I intended for the Rarity and Fluttershy 'subplots,' for instance, to be nothing more than plot devices with subtle nods to the true nature of the characters in order to end up destabilizing RD/PP. Unfortunately, with my verboseness, I ended up making them half-finished subplots that begged for more time and direct spotlight, but gave them none, making the viewer, as you also stated, wonder what it was all about.

However, I fear that taking the approach outlined above (again, one I think is a good idea), that this would have added another 10k+ words to a 26k+ word fanfic. Near the end, you can probably see me start to just hastily wrap up the entire story itself, being very sparse with descriptions after the Luna/Dash conversation in Part 3. I didn't want the story to outstay its welcome, because you can only stay in one place for so long before the setting itself becomes stale and dry.

I think to make this a truly flawless piece of fiction, my writing needs to be at a higher caliber than it currently is. It's a far cry from the drivel I used to produce six months ago, though, that's for sure.

Your review has been educational and inspirational, and I will save as a text it so I can learn from it later. Thank you very much for your extra effort in re-writing the review. You've single-handedly made up for the overwhelming three-word "Yep, it's awesome!" and "Eh, it's alright..." responses that have plagued me since I first published Part 1.
>> No. 31385
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31385
>>30367

TL;DR: You need and editor, not because you are making horrible mistakes, but rather because you are making all sort of small mistakes over the text and I don’t do edits. As for the impact of what is written, for now I have no clue what the connection between the two is. Add something more flavor to the whirlpool and you should have a solid pincer maneuver over peoples attention.

Conquistadors in Equestria. This can turn out to be extremely good or extremely bad. You have the confidence that you can make it work, I trust you. Lets see what I can do with this.

Considering I won’t edit this baby I’m just going to list the problems so you, or better yet an editor, can sort them out: you have a capitalization issue where you are capitalizing the wrong words and not capitalizaing the right ones (pegasus>Pegasus, capitalization after semicolons, etc.), issues with your dialogue punctuation and organization, misspelled words, wrongs words (laying is something you do to something else, you can be laying down, you can be lying down for example) and such minors things.

Story wise, you weren’t kidding with the whole fragment thing. Even with 13 pages this has only 2 important events: Spaniards are on a ship and for some reason Celestia has become such a threat she tried to kill Twilight. As prologue go, this is ok and quite interesting from the pony side because it’s not really expected for the ponies to have to be in the Everfree forest for no reason. As for the Spaniards, well, I didn’t give two hoots about them for no other reason than they don’t seem to be attached to the pony story in any discernible way. The whirlpool doesn’t seem very magical, it sounds like a run of the mill “die ship” whirlpool one expects in exploration stories.

The key to truly linking it together and making the prologue truly act as a prologue for the story rather than two completely separated stories you are going to join together in the first chapter is to make this whirlpool be a bit flashier. Add lightning, make it shiny, anything for me to say “there is magic on the air, I can see where this is going” which is the aim of the prologue, guide to the premise of the story (conquistadors in Equestria) while telling you nothing of the plot. For now, the premise might as well be “the parallel tragedies of a group of conquistadors and the ponies” due to the lack of connection. Fix that.

Due to lack of material or development I can't offer anything more, hope this helps and that you return back again when you have chapter 1 ready.
>> No. 31393
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>>30264
Hello good Samurai, since we have re-written our other story that you reviewed awhile ago. And that you mentioned we could send it in again to see how it would fair this time, so here we are again.

Azure Island Chronicles: Eclipse of Destruction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7177943/
>> No. 31402
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31402
If you have a piece of fiction you would like me to review please feel free to read the first post rules, check out some of my previous reviews on the review list and then post a link to your story so I can actually review it.

Responses time. I shall be posting anon's and anonpinkie review later on the day. Thiocyanate and PresentPerfect are currently being processed, although Thiocyanate might take a bit longer due to it's length.

>>30610
I rather just have the joy of helping others improve their fics, I never liked medals anyway. Thanks for the offer thought. Feel free to post here anytime.

>>31051
Same response as garnot's, you guys seem willing to listen to what I have to say. That, in addition to seeing people actually using my advice, is all I need.

>>31071
1.) Thoughts: It is really just a matter of style, but considering it's my review thread I will insist doing things my way just because I can. Is it technically wrong? No... but I dislike it and I will mention it whenever I see it.

2.) Undue distress: Don't concern yourself about it, just look at my post here and you will see a variety of sloppy mistakes which are forgiven for the simple fact I'm not the writer, so don't sweat it and just fix them.

3.) Feel free to come back any time.

>>31382
Good to know I was of any help and that you were able to get something from such a delayed review. As for the idea, you are the writer and you should know your skills better than me. On the other hand, do keep it mind for future use as you get more experience, I assure you the results will delight you and your readers.
>> No. 31406
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31406
Let me start off by saying thank you for the invite to your thread. 'S highly appreciated.

Now then, onto the reason I'm here. I've got chapter one in two different places. If the format of either one is of any problem to you, let me know, and I can drop it into a Google Docs for you. Take all the time that you need; I'm perfectly capable of waiting.

deviantART link ==>http://eeveexpert.deviantart.com/#/d3lkggd

FIMFiction link ==>http://www.fimfiction.net/story/117/1/Storms-On-the-Horizon:-Book-1---Journey-To-Canterlot/Ch.-1-The-Hunt-Begins

If I may, I'd like to ask one thing of you. I'm not used to writing characters with accents, so be completely honest if I butchered Applejack's accent.
>> No. 31416
>>31402
Just as a warning, I have been told that I have run-ons and issues with punctuation in quotations. I'm trying my hardest to get someone to edit this, not asking you to, this is simply another review and advice I ask from you haha. But the grammatical errors will be fixed
>> No. 31639
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31639
>>30373

TL;DR: I like your voice and you only need an editor, or a second pass, to make sure that it’s all pretty good. As for the quality of the stories themselves, you are right on the mark, but still need to add more body language to the story to make them work.

Well, those are quite a lot of fics you have there, let’s leave Party at the beach and Jack of all trades for a later review.

Writing wise, you have no systemic issue to speak (aka you don’t have specific problems with your writing). I did however notice a variety of mistakes on the texts you should be able to see with a revision or two. Periods instead of commas for dialogues, missing commas completely, misspelled words, odd constructs (“had had to work” rather than “had worked” example), miscapitalizations and the sort are in the texts, so keep an eye out for them.

Story wise, I can only suggest rather than correct (that’s a good thing by the way):

You might want to add more body language to your stories as to get across your dialogue and actions more clearly. I take for example your Rarity story, beautiful story if I’m permitted to say, that however the ending felt a bit too dry for my taste. Whenever you write a story you must certainly evade going into endless drivel about stupid details which I as a reader would have rather imagined myself. However, such rules don’t apply to feelings and emotions, those must be expressed in the clearest terms as possible, size be damned (within reason of course).

Short of a first person fic, when describing emotions you should try to evade saying “was sad/enrage/hurt/bamboozle/etc.” or it varations as much as possible as they don’t are difficult to use to create empathy, which should be your final aim if you want to evoke emotions from your reader. Instead, very much like when you said she clenched her teeth together or that she looked at her feet (word of caution, I think some people here demand the more appropriate hooves, but I’m ok with it), you evoke a series of emotion with those words more than any actual description of emotions could. The last section was completely devoided of this and it ceartainly made it, at least for me, lose part of its impact. Adding a smile to Rarity at the end, describing how she saw her sister, anything of the sort would do wonders for you.

As for the other two, I found Did you hear and did you hear to be a lost opportunity as it expanded so little into Apple Bloom’s reactions and thoughts about the whole situation while focusing on Applejack and Big Mac. Was it enjoyable? Yes indeed, but both of them don’t matter in the long term because their story is over, they already overcame the stigma of being called “inbred hicks” and thus for as far as the subject is concern whatever they have to add will only add up to whatever Apple Bloom is experiencing. Whenever you write a story, no matter how short, you must have a notion of movement imprinted upon it, or in other words the story must actually go somewhere. Where did this story go? Well, it started going into how it affected Apple Bloom, but then it turned around and focused on Applejack, leaving the whole Apple Bloom situation up in the air, and the open ending didn’t point to any advance what so ever. It was a nice story but it was pointless story, the sort of story that lack gravity of purpose but you still like because you can see what it could have been rather than what it is.

As for Apple Bloom story, apart from my little problem with a creature without fingers pulling a trigger, the story was solid. The only real improvement I suggest is that there needs to be a greater amount of struggle and reminiscence about Winona as to drive this to the heart of the reader rather than letting him imagine on his own. Talk about all the fun things Apple Bloom did with Winona, talk about how she got sick, make more visceral, attack using pathos rather than shock.

And well, until I return back to the other fics, that’s all I have to offer, hope it was of any help.
>> No. 31650
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31650
>I will first and for most suggestion you get a style book, I suggest "The Elements of Style" and memorize it in addition of reading as many good books as you can as to help you improve. That, in combination with writing more and constantly correcting yourself, is the only way you are going to be able to improve, I think I speak for all writer when I say we all passed through that.

>>30718
TL;DR: The writing is poor, the story is lacking, the development is jagged and the deus ex machina jammed the last nail so deep I can’t help improve it without going to a full editor mode, something I will not do.

Just so we are clear from the start, I see Cupcakes as an insult to the concept of writing, thus I hold any work that derives from it to higher scrutiny (even temporarily not following my rule which states that if a story is badly written I shall not discuss storyline). With that in mind, let's see how you fare.

Your writing needs a lot of work. Misspelled words, misused words, tense issues, punctuation of dialogue and sentences, oddly constructed sentences, incorrect sentences and a host of other issues plague this document to the point it was exasperating to review. I don’t have time to do what most properly be done with this fic, which is basically sit down and edit the hell out of it until it's actually clean rather that jagged.

Let's talk about the story for a second. You appear to have no notion of pacing or knowledge what is an ellipsis (not these ... but there ------------ ) as the whole text felt rushed till no end. You start with Spike, jump to Twilight without no change of perspective other than now you are talking about twilight, turn to Pinkie, turn to spike, turn to twilight and continue doing this constant switching between the characters perspectives that it quickly becomes silly. I mean, when doing step 1 I incorrectly placed back together a total of 3 times, all the times joining the sections of the same characters into a single section and arranging them in the way that it made chronological sense. What does that mean? Your order and change of perspective don't make sense and thus affect the actual readability of the text.

The ending however has two elements whic trully make the whole thing fall: deus ex machina and the open ended story. Deus ex machina is amongst the worse literary tools one can use because it's a basic sign you could be bother to actually create a good ending. Greek playwrights, having written a story for quite a long length that suddenly found themselves with no way to end a story, or worse yet manage to make the wrong character be the inevitable winner at the end, quickly fixed it by pointing to the gods, saying that they solved the situation by sudden and miraculous means that have no explanation within the play. Can you see a problem with this? Because that's exactly what you just did by making Celestia poof into existence while not mentioning her once before in the text. Whenever you write you must make sure that all components make sense within the context of the story, otherwise whatever impact you wanted to make is wasted on the others saying "hey, that doesn't make sense."

Additionally, I have to wonder, why did pinkie go on all those killings? This is not trivial as it guides directly into your so called "resolution" as whichever was the reason behind it doesn't get mentioned, doesn't get explained and as far as I'm concerned doesn't get resolved. A memory wipe doesn't remove mental illness and killing people because of previous experience would required such a traumatic life that just removing the events of what she had done wouldn't be enough, she would still eventually go on killing (maybe even more forcefully now she is again inexperience and stupid), and removing all the necessary memories would leave her as husk of a being rather than a thinking one. Your story then has effectively either resolved nothing or made the problem worse, whichever it might be.

Now, I have done enough by checking this out despite it odd construction. Please find this helpful and improve your fic.
>> No. 31652
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31652
>>31402
geez. im actually nervous! but truthfully...i cant wait, not in a rushy way, but in an excited way. For a review i can learn something from ^^
>> No. 31655
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31655
>>31650
Thank you. i mean it, for sincerely taking the time to finish the review before dumping it to the side. i am aware of many mistakes, and plan to revise it thoroughly. I shall take into consideration everything you have mentioned, and also, i was working out a different ending that i lost, and am now trying to rework, because i see how terrible Deus Ex Machina is, it is not so much that i did not know what i was doing wrong, but didnt have the right sense of mind to fix it at the time. Once i finish my current work, i shall revise this to the best of my ability.

If you dont terribly mind, when its revised, would you look at it again?
>> No. 31719
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31719
>>31416
Your review has been disposes off as all chapters I hadn't taken the time to separate have disappeared.

>>31642
Just keep writing.

>>31652
>>31655
I have only ask one person in the place to not come back for reviews, as long as you don't post again the same document expecting me to change my mind you can come back as many times as you need.
>> No. 31835
>>31719
Ok well, I know I am new to writing but I got a little discouraged and got rid of it, but after a peptalk it's back
>> No. 31840
Actually I jk! I may not be too good as a writer, but if the people tell me they like it! I can only just learn and move on my own pace, so Im just gonna keep it the way the people like it. Even if it is relatively few people haha
>> No. 31846
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31846
Honorable samurai, per your past invitation, I return to you as a humble supplicant.

>>31833

>I do TOO read your thread, I swear!
>> No. 32027
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32027
Hello, Samurai.

I am happy to present you with the start of the end result of what started as, basically, your idea (during your review of the original version of Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel).

I give you the prologue of Summer Days and Evening Flames:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I-rX0IEgpq-wulqhpr1pjn7nnoyOAuUICR6zXghxq1I/edit?hl=en_US

For your precise consideration and, hopefully, your entertainment.
>> No. 32036
Hey there, thanks in advance for the review.

This is a tentative final version of the first chapter t my fanfic. It's mostly an introductory piece, setting up the actual events to the fic.

Eagerly awaiting any comments and critique you may have.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CJs2T4iJpQe6O6ZJ3h-zkPUWsk_IsPMnL4EGgVlqkQE/edit?hl=fr&pli=1
>> No. 32061
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32061
>>31147

TL;DR: Nice, short. Keep writing. I remember you mentioned you were doing a multi-chapter story, whatever happen to that?

Heh, as I said before I generally like when you post in my thread but I don’t like actually writing the reviews for your stories on my thread because whenever I actually sit down to read them I’m left wondering what exactly to say. Let me give it a try anyway.

As always, you writing is basically flawless, I as always leave it to better men than myself to find the errors I missed (twilightsnarkle and Sturm come to mind) as I can’t find any that need urgent attention to. I mean, there are a couple things (most aren’t required, it’s just me thinking additionally giving you yet another 2 paragraph review seemed like the cheap thing to do after being one of the few people that actually have stuck with me and my reviews.):

> Rainbow Dash had always found that following rules made it hard to concentrate.
I just find this cleaner.

> …it sometimes strained her work life…
Likewise.

> …she had never been more than a mild acquaintance.
Your subject is pinkie pie on most of the sentences of the paragraph, I don’t see why not stick with it throughout instead of changing it to their friendship for that fraction.

> It was that same caring mischief that had brought Rainbow to the realization that her feelings for Pinkie Pie didn't end at friendship.
Maybe a gut reflect from my English learning, but starting a sentence with And is a big no-no for me, the sentence still makes sense without it and you lose nothing.

> was being a severe fussbudget about everything and a pain in her haunch.
Haunch? I’m pretty sure flank is the side of the horse… the haunch is the area where the gluteus would be… or is it one of those standardized terminologies you guys have here? Meh.

>"Now make sure you watch the meniscus, Rainbow Dash... See how that water curves up? Y'all gotta account for that so the measure's accurate.”
Missing a quotation mark if my dialogue punctuation sensor is working correctly.

> Rainbow Dash was glad her friend was forcing her to be extra careful, making sure the baking would be perfect.
I found this sentence to be a bit too awkward, correct, but awkward. Here is my take on it.

> …that might not come out the way they expected…
“The way” rather than “they way”.

> …sweet without being syrupy…
I don’t like repeated words, also I always compare things to syrup as that is the sweetest thing I can think of.

> …from the heat of the kitchen.
I can hardly imagine them being outside the kitchen and feeling the heat (or cooking for that matter).

> She turned back to the frosting and Rainbow back to the filling.
There is no need for a comma there, the pause does nothing.

Yes, I just acted like an editor, but PresentPerfect has earned it.

Now, story wise, I must say I liked what I read. It was short but giddy and it had nothing that felt too sudden or unexplained. Whenever I read a story I normally dissect character and attempt to see what makes them tick to analyze if the characters action make sense. Consider Rainbow Dash, the most important line to understanding her being “But that was just how she was, covering up insecurity with blustering,” as it placed the sort of RD we are seeing, a character which is both insecure of herself and lacks a strong and caring base for her. She wants to feel safe, she wants to be able to be without fear, both which are fulfilled by either Pinkie or Applejack in their own ways. But it goes further than that, she acts in her brash and overbearing manner specifically because she fears, she forces herself to face her fears straight on because she believes that will give her the confidence to not fear, for her to not feel so insecure. That might be intentional or maybe I’m just overthinking this too much. In either case, when a character characteristics follow along so nicely amongst themselves I can only tip my hat to the reader and congratulate him.

You have shown your knack for writing nice little stories and I can only hope you continue to do so. That’s all I have to offer to you.
>> No. 32176
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32176
>>31406
So let’s start with your writing.

Your dialogue punctuation is something you might want to put attention to. Why? Because of sentences like:
>"C'mon now, sugarcube, it wasn't that bad. Twi' told that story better, anyhow." Applejack responded, flicking the switch to turn the lights on. "Better?"

Where you use a period rather than commas, a problem that is interestingly reduced only due to the fact there is a ton of ellipsis (which quite frankly you might have exaggerated the use of, with 91 instance of it that I can remember counting, probably more), exclamation marks and the sort which supersede the commas. Other errors include miscapitalization, or lack of thereof, that happen across the text, specifically directed to your dialogues where you forget that the two actions aren’t related. For example:
> "Ah'm sorry..." she yawned. "Ah smelled the pancakes cookin' an' thought y'all mighta been AJ... She's still out in the barn, inn't she?"

Where is not possible for her to have yawned while saying that, as yawning pretty much disable the vocal chords. Capitalizing she then would the correct thing to do.

Additionally thre are a couple of very wonky sentences here. Amongst the ones that got me the most:

> It was then the storm outside that had rolled in during the movie to provide a little more ambiance once more reminded the ponies of its presence.
That’s quite a long sentence, and not because of actual length, but rather the density of it. You, in that sentence, appear to want to retroactively add a storm to the story by simply saying, “by the way, storm.” If you want to introduce the storm happening as they watched the movie be my guess but this sort of reminder that something happened but I as the reader didn’t get to know it until now is just… wrong.

> This summons must be of the utmost importance.
Although technically correct in the widest of senses (due to the fact it’s only one occasion and it’s not a legal paper it should summon) the word summons contains an amount of authority a doctor lacks. Whenever you write you must keep in mind the severity of the words being used as it’s very different for I to get punched than getting smashed for example.

What is a pegasus? A winged horse/pony (technically that’s wrong but I can’t fight the world), thus making the phrase pegasus pony be redundant, so just go eliminate the pony part.

As for the accent, it was readable and you could get a similar cadence to the real characters, so for now I shall they are acceptable. Give me more material and I might be able to give a more accurate opinion, for now it seems to be working.

In any case, if you haven’t noticed, I’m just stalling with problems so I don’t have to say outright I liked your story. Yep, all those problems are present but as far as the storyline is concern I will admit you have caught my interest. A roving storm? That’s interesting concept on its own right and combined with good characterization and good pacing you are in the works of making an interesting story. I can’t comment much more though considering how little has actually happened on this section, just that from this I actually see this might work.

And that’s all I got, hope you continue writing and that you found this helpful.
>> No. 32179
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32179
>>31835
>>31840
You have been readded to the queue.
Additionally, don't get discourage from writing, use the criticism to improve your writing. Nothing is worse for a writer than ignoring the negative comments people might have.

>>31846
I know, but that wasn't the point of that post. Adding chapter 3 to the review seeing how I never got a chance to reviewed.

>>32027
to be complete technical, it was your idea but it was my contribution to tell you to expand it. I'll let you know when my review is done.

As for the other three stories (not counting the last two added as they still haven't been processed) they shall be coming out later tonight or tomorrow morning.
>> No. 32189
>>32061
Ever timely! Thank you for all the tightening suggestions, it gets lonely doing all that oneself. General comments:

>I remember you mentioned you were doing a multi-chapter story, whatever happen to that?

It's battling with two other multi-story chapters for dominance. I seriously have one if not two chapters written for all three, now I have to PICK one and FOCUS. This is difficult, so I'm still working on one-shots.

I have come to terms with the whole "no starting with 'and', 'but', or 'or'" rule as one of those things you can just take as a suggestion, but that doesn't mean breaking it is always the best choice.

I remain the master of comma overuse.

The haunch/flank thing is a good catch. Yeah, 'flank' has come to mean 'ass' around here, but this is also not the sort of story where that slang need be used.

>Missing a quotation mark if my dialogue punctuation sensor is working correctly.

Those three pieces of dialogue are said by Applejack, so the final quote marks aren't put in until the last one. Just so you know what I'm doing.

And finally, insecure Dash is best Dash. This one's off to ED!
>> No. 32359
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32359
TL;DR: The story makes sense!!!! And it could possibly turn out good!!! And it’s feels that it was written by a 12-year old!!!!!

Welcome back my friend, if I understand correctly you have changed your fic a lot, I assume for the better, let’s see what you guys are cooking.

Your writing is sloppy to say the least, with such sentences as:

> She was found just a few days ago when she was seen fighting with Oscuridad, one of the villains Knockout and his friends fight all the time
With a horrible timing issue and unnecessary detail which can be brought a more organic manner, although this hides a bigger issue which I shall mentioned later.

The issues are so widespread that I simply couldn’t bring myself to actually sit down to list them all, I after all don’t do edits and, well, it quickly felt like I was editing once I started looking for example sentences. Thus, sit down and clean it up your dialogues punctuation (commas in your dialogues? Don’t be silly, you don’t have them), normal punctuation (“he walked out of the house closing the door behind him while mumbling something under his breath.” needs a comma so bad it hurts, and it’s not the only one), your dialogue itself, your tenses, your capitalization, etc., etc., etc., as it’s currently much needed.

As for the storyline, unless my interpretation is wrong, the storyline now has:

1.) A reason for the events, namely a magical

2.)A bunch of idiots, something you can use for your story advantage while making fun of the way people normally see the sonic fandom, a parody of sorts.

3.)A voice of reason and cynicism, in shape of Shandra, that would serious and point out that in fact the idiots are, well, irrational regardless of where you are.

4.)A manner where Ponies and Sonic can combine together into something slightly cohesive.

Which is good, however the way they come about is… poor. Let me refer to you to an old favorite:

>. She was found just a few days ago when she was seen fighting with Oscuridad, one of the villains Knockout and his friends fight all the time…

And now, with no buildup, no reasoning, not even a freaking lead to it, you introduce both the villain and a character. You keep doing this sort of thing all over the text without regard to information organization and that truly detracts from the writing as it gives it a sort of “idea plaster” feeling to the work, you are just writing what came along and didn’t bother to think if the ideas where organized. How painful would it have been to have Shandra mention how she only met them for a couple of days and already hate their guts (which would be in character for Shandra, she appears to disregard all of them as expendable idiots, as when she was sad she lost the 20 dollars for example)? How about having the fact Oscuridad is an enemy implied by the fact, well, they keep talking about evil and magical he is and how they fight him all the time? If a piece of information is not a: description of something you can feel with your senses, inner thoughts or data which I wouldn’t be able to surmise myself.

This also comes in another fashion, a complete and evident lack of explicatory emotions. Consider for example Zecora and Fluttershy suddenly accepting a creature they have never seen before telling tehm about things they wouldn’t be able to recognize (a dvd cover to explain the concept of a dvd? that’s… improbable) and then suddenly following them in a dangerous forest? Sure, but the lack of body expression, any sort of emotion or frankly anything to make the characters seem like they are just going through the motions you are losing whatever impact what so ever the scene could, or could not have. Make me see the feeling of the character; don’t expect me to guess for whatever reason you might have.

The other side of the coin, rather than introducing randomly, you just outright ignore huge chunks of information that would have been great to have with giant handwaving. The biggest one?
> After what seemed like several days of walking they found a strange house carved into a tree, they looked around and found a path that lead to the door.

And stop. Why do you share this with me? Why not go into a little more detail? How did they know where to go? What were they thinking? What happened? And it’s not a simple “they walked.” response because you said yourself, it was days of walking. I can accept hours, but a day contains so much detail and this time would be a perfect time to actually set up the character dynamics in a solid form, before they meet any pony and you give people the chance to construe anything as being rushed. Build your characters, build their personalities and their emotions, I can’t think of a better time than a lonely, cold, horrible trek across a place you don’t know.

And for now, this all I will offer to you as you have a lot of fixing to do before I will continue. Get an editor if you can, get serious about writing this as good as possible and return back, you know I will always be of assistance.
>> No. 32364
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32364
>>32176

Sorry for the late reply; I was out of the house the entire day. This is the first real chance I've had to sit down and formulate a response.

TL:DR: After reading through your review (thanks much, by the way), what I'm gathering from it (feel free to stop me if I'm taking something out of context) is I just need to tweak a couple words into something more fitting, rewrite a couple sentences a little more smoothly, and work on the punctuation inside my dialogue. That's definitely something I can do.

>...a ton of ellipsis...
All right, I'm not gonna lie; I honestly didn't know what "ellipsis" meant. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have 91+ instances of it. I went and looked up the term, and I think I know what I need to do in order to remedy some of those instances. Will work on that. (Lawdy, 91? I know what most of my proofreading time will be spent on.)

>Not possible to talk while yawning.
That's just a straight-up good point there. That had never crossed my mind. But then, you would be the first to give me any real kind of constructive feedback, so an issue like that has since then flown under the radar. Will rewrite that line to something a little more fitting. I'll also look out for that elsewhere and in any future writing I do.

>Wonky sentence structure.
Eeyup. Not much to say here. I'll get right on fixing that. Now that you've pointed it out, the example you provided seems pretty wonky to me too.

>"Summons" too strong of a word.
This would go back to the "yawning while talking" point. Never has that been pointed out to me until now. Nevertheless, that's a good piece of advice there and I'll keep that in mind in the future.

>Pegasus pony is redundant.
Yes. Yes, it is. I did this because I'm fairly confident that pegasi are referred to as "pegasus pony" within the show, and originally started this story intending it to follow the spirit and humor of the show. But, since I've moved away from that, I'll move away from this too. Easy fix.

Overall, I found this review to be extremely helpful. You cut straight to the point, and I'm glad for that. Thanks for the constructive feedback and letting me know that the storyline, characters, and pacing are the strong points. If I was able to catch your interest in chapter 1, then that must mean I'm doing something right as an author. I know exactly where I'm coming for future reviews, if you'll have me back.
>> No. 32372
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32372
I submit for your consideration, chapter two of the PonyNoir saga.

It has already gone through some edits and changes (thanks to Nick and Twilight) Though I'm certain there are a few that missed the purge.

I'm told the mood of this chapter feels different than the first two, that it starts off sluggishly, contains an 'underdeveloped' flashback scene, and may or may not contain a Deus Ex machina.

All of these concerns are being looked into as I post this, but I would still like to have you, the great Nameless Samurai, go over my work and tell me is said changes are necessary.

Story link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ph2NAPvvEOfVp4aPNlaj09n0N2xsdA-FLWU4i2eDiyo/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 32393
File 131121877559.gif - (3.09MB , 200x150 , Smile.gif )
32393
>>32359
Wow, I post about how depressed every other review made me (For reasons I myself am not quite clear on. Why do I care so much?) and while I'm doing so, you post this.

As to your little quip about feeling like a 12-year-old wrote it, I have that child-like, 12-year-old mentality even though I'm physically almost 20 now, and I can't say much about SRB2Knockout other than that he is physically 16.

If I have made it seem like I'm a major part in the writing process, as in, the main writer, I apologize, as this is simply not true. The most I've done is a shoddy spell/grammar check-and-correct as we go, and Shandra's lines. KO does most of the work, I just volunteered my character to fill a slot on the team of OCs he was putting together on a forum for a Sonic-themed Doom-mod.

In response to some other reviews' points, we actually went back and did at least one of those tips you provided, clearing the mention of Oscuridad completely and making a general mention of all KO's group's enemies, without names, instead now it's answering further the first question we addressed when thinking this: just WHO THE HELL IS KO?.

I assume you meant the Chaos Emerald when you cut off after "namely, a magical". It actually isn't too important to the plot, in fact, it was thrown in to fill a plothole. Originally we had Shandra somehow gaining Pinkie's teleportation power and barely explained it with this paragraph where the characters shrugged it off as making just as much sense as the rest of the "story". You'll notice mention of a whistle, that idea was scrapped in this new version.

"'Knockout, she's also able to pinkieport, like me, remember? ...Why can I anyway? I never had that power before Colson blew the whistle...' Shandra exposited, slowly regaining her strength with the wounds now magically healed.

'Maybe the good Pinkie gave you the power just before Pinkamina consumed her...' Knockout said thinking about that fact, not quite sure how it worked.

'Makes about as much sense as anything else that's happened today.' Shandra concurred, equally puzzled by it, but deciding it was best not to think too hard about Pinkie’s abilities."


The owing $20 thing has been axed, because it just wasn't cool at all and I'm ashamed I thought of it in the first place.


>After what seemed like several days of walking they found a strange house carved into a tree, they looked around and found a path that lead to the door.

Read that sentence again, your culprit at least should be in bold, it SEEMED like days to them. It was strange in the forest and the heroes were lost. It's like, get a friend to blindfold and somehow sound-proof you so you have no idea where they take you, walk around for what feels like hours finding nothing, and look at your watch to find it's only been about 20 minutes since you were blindfolded. This time-distortion really happens to people, I live right at the edge of the woods and it has happened to me a few times. I guess putting the actual time in would be best. Otherwise, the character's would never shut up and do any action for about 3 pages, not far from what we have already, but we try to have some action dropping in at least twice a page. I guess adding some details and character dev for KO couldn't hurt. For Shandra, it could since I'm in complete charge of her and have a timeline set down for her slow (read: large amounts of change in several short bursts as the ponies open the door to her heart with the POWER OF FRIENDSHIP) development across the whole fic from the cold, barely-any-emotions-besides-rage straight-woman character to her true self, kind and caring, currently buried under layers of emotional armoring after what Oscuridad had done before they came out of the wormhole, still Miss Seroius compared to Knockout, but

As for Shandra being "Ms. Serious" to the idiocy of "Mr. Goof" Knockout, the new chapter we just posted semi-reveals just WHY she's been such a bitch, in a way that will probably also come off as poorly done, which we foreshadowed in Chapter 1 in a blink-and-you'll miss it single line of her dialogue when she wakes up from Pinkie bitch-slapping her from inside the TV. I may just have her stay Miss Serious, now that you've gotten the idea in my head. But the planned development of her character I've been carefully spreading out over the whole thing (which might reach easily into the 20-or-so chapters length if we slow down and explain shit more) will definitely still happen as planned. Yeah, I can see making her grow in the way I plan with keeping the more-serious air about her.

Finally, we are now looking for an editor who isn't me. Anyone reading this post that would like to apply, even if it is just to challenge yourself with fixing a perceived totally lost cause, be our guest and click my name so you can e-mail me, so we can add you to the list of folks who can edit. We triple-save back-ups so any paraspriting and uses of this as a way to destroy our story will be futile.

I'll talk with KO over All the fix possibilities I just talked at length about, probably making this my longest post in /fic/, if not all of Ponychan. (My old WMG thread on /pony/ that 404'd might have been longer.)
>> No. 32480
>>32364
>Pegasus pony is redundant.

I always think it's odd that the show refers to them as pegasus ponies, but unicorns are just unicorns, not unicorn ponies.

Althoihg technically Pegasus was the name of one solitary winged horse, and is not an actual mythical species.
>> No. 32681
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32681
I just want to say I'm sorry guys but I have been too busy writing, researching and cooking for I to write reviews. I should hopefully be back at it tomorrow, let's see what happens.

Also, Seattle_Lite, come join me in Locations if you may, I'm going to be working there for a while.

>>32364
More or less that, your story is as of right now off to a good start but as nothing has happened in the real sense of the word, just that what has happened is solid enough. Try saying out loud whatever you are writing, if you can't pronounce it or it sounds forced, then you have wonky sentences.

>>32372
I just noticed I never reviewed chapter 1..... that has been added to the review.

>>32393
If I have read outside this thread this has worked out on it's own. Feel free to return whenever you actually write something you want me to review.
>> No. 32702
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32702
>>32681
Powerful samurai, would you kindly put a hold on your PonyNoir chapter 2 for a while, as I have some major things to fix.

Also, I'm adding one small bit to chapter 1. Nothing major, but it might cause problems considering your reviewing methods.

just a heads up. I should be done with it by tonight.
>> No. 32716
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32716
>>32702
duly noted, the current raw file has been destroyed.
I shall await 2 days before checking them again.

Good night everyone, tomorrow I shall be under a different sun, so I just ask you to wait.
>> No. 32740
Honorable Samurai, wish onto you the greatest of recoveries and eagerly await your triumphant return.
>> No. 32753
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32753
Samurai, you've done a review for me before, on the first chapter of my fic, Kindness of Strangers. The second chapter's been out for quite a few months now. I've decided not to send it to you because the story isn't finished yet.

I only finished my rough draft for the third chapter today. In total, I've got over 70 pages, and there's still a lot more to write. It's pointless to send it off for review at this stage.

Regardless, I'll keep reading your reviews for other people's stories, and when my story is finally completed in full, I'll send it your way again.
>> No. 32757
>>32753

Meant to say 'weeks' instead of months.
This must be more draining on me than I thought it was.
>> No. 32790
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32790
Dear authors, our venerable Samurai will be absent over the weekend. Let us be patient, and serene.

We shall not clutter up his thread to the point of obscurity in his absence. Neh?
>> No. 32794
On that note, Seattle, allow me to say, unironically, that

>>26698
Is the Samurai's 'social fic thread,' where any conversation about writing can happen; this thread should be for reviews only
>> No. 32809
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32809
>>32716
Alright. Chapter one is now live.

New link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oIEfGH6K3jcVtOCQXw8jAiGqxO8drFuC83u0Ezb21J4/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter two shall go through a major rewrite tomorrow. Expect it in a couple of days.

>>32753
Glad yo see you are still going strong. Hope to read your finished work soon.
>> No. 33566
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33566
>Ugh..... the long reviews are on stand by because I am not getting the point across correctly. Give me an hour or two.

>>32027

TL;DR: Hello there, this is what you missed, other than that this is well written and very nice. Keep at it.

Well, nice to see you listened to my advice about the story.

First order of business, your writing (or otherwise known as small scale editing.)

1.) I like to think that I did an okay job while working in the mines. Those days, spent several miles underground,
As you know, I dislike repeated words in the same paragraph unless it’s absolutely necessary. Here, changing the first underground to mine solves the issue and still makes sense. Not only thus this please me, the variety makes smoother as the reader can interrelated various words to the text and thus built a better mental image.

2.)"When I had shown up on….."

I find no reason why the construct “had+verb” should be used when showed does the job just as well and with less words.

3.) “Choshi Chahn. Chahn’s Wok.” I explained
No matter what action you desire to exchange said with, you must always use the comma unless what happens later has no relationship what so ever with was is being said. Here, he gave an explanation with his speech, so unless there is another explanation you didn’t write out put a comma there.

4.) Don’t tell me something about speech if it’s self-evident as it’s redundant and unnecessary:

> Immediately, my sister got up to greet me. “Iron! You’re home!” she greeted me happily.

You already told me she is about to greet you.

>. I was pretty much bored of it by now, so I changed the subject by asking, “So, how’d the post office go today?”

You have a question mark at the end, no need to tell me you are asking.

5.) Odd sentences which I couldn’t wrap my head around include

> I paused thinking about it
As it’s written pause and thinking are directly connected, thus you are telling me his thinking was paused rather than what I believe you intended which is that he paused to think. A comma should fix the issue.

> I had been interrupted during my lunch break by a fight had broken out, and I hadn’t thought to finish my lunch after I had taken care of the participants.

I actually stopped to read this a couple of times and concluded the section “…lunch break by a fight had broken out…” makes no sense as those are two unconnected thoughts (“break interrupted by fight” and “a fight had broken out”). Thus, you are missing a that in there my friend, add it so it read “…lunch break by a fight that had broken out…” and thus make sense. Additionally, same had construct here, why not “after taking care of” as it does the same job with less space?

Enough writing, let’s go with story. Yet again, another well done prologue, one that provides a good setting, doesn’t overload you with unnecessary information and sets up the characters very nicely. As this is just a prologue though as I have said already I can’t say much of storyline as it’s not self-contained enough to do a full evaluation, but I like where you are taking this.

One thing though, how old is Starfall and how young was he when he married? What I know: Iron was 15 when he was already part of the guards; Iron was the only pony under Starfall in terms of rank and thus all others must be above him; 9 years later Starfall is a lieutenant with enough rank to be considered to replace the Captain, as is Iron; that maxie, now 16, is still a minor; Starfall is already married to Comet tail when Iron is 15; the highest office in the town seems to Captain.

Thus, if Starfall is below everyone but Iron one can assume he is older than Iron, something which is very prudent. Now, assuming that Starfall isn’t incompetent he must not have had the post of lieutenant (or even second lieutenant) seeing how he is so low in the totem pole, hell, he might not be an officer as such but rather just a sergeant or even corporal for him to have only one junior to him, thus he can’t have been in the job more than 2 years. Unless Iron acceptance into the force was an oddity, I believe it would be good to presume that Starfall would have entered at about the same age as Iron and thus would be at a max 17 years old. If you can’t see what is the issue do keep in mind that Maxie is still a minor when she was only 1 year younger than Starfall, who is also married and has some rank in the police/guard/military force of the town. Thus, again, what age was he when he married? The other option is that Iron is just awesome and that there were no new recruits for 2 years…. which has problems on its own too… but of course I might just be wrong and I missed something, just some food for thought. I mean, for some reason I turned Starfall to be the son of Comet tail and a dead guard... but that's just me, again, I'm quite sure I'm missing something.

And that’s all I got, hope you found that help
>> No. 33573
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33573
>>32036

TL;DR: Well done, some small things you might want to check, in addition of there being only one real important action in the whole thing, but very good I must say.

Hello there, here is the review you requested.

Writing wise, this is very, very clean, so much so the only things that caught my attention where:

-recieved

Is wrong.... in all dictionaries I could procure.

-Apologising for the trouble it and it’s siblings had caused,

it is= it's / its= possesive. Change it.

-, as she did all she could not to break

Not really wrong, but I like to reduce words if possible and doing does the job just as good.


As for the story, as I said in my TL;DR, this mighty short and the only action that carried any true weight or importance is the fact that Apple Bloom is sick, with the rest just being there to push up that point without really developing anything in the truest sense of the word.

Suggestions? Expand the whole section between Sweetie Bell and Apple Blooms arrival and get into the mind of the characters.

Unless Zecora happened to appear minutes afterward, something which doesn't seem likely due to the discussion involve, you missed an opportunity to develop the characters thoughts, emotions and actions. Instead we get a sigh, something about 5 ponies and that's about it. Your reader must be able to get a hold of the characters without having ever seen the show, right now I just don't get anything from, well, anyone.

What was said? How was it said? Why was is it said? Although it might just seemed like random additions to your story it's essential for you to develop a character right away rather than just actions. You lack more movement and adverbs, hell, verbs too, that describe emotion and add depth.

Consider:

“Ain’t nothing that could ruin this day,” Applejack thought happilty to herself, [introduce here what ever body cue you beleive gives that message better or a contrary message if your characters needs it, such as being bored at the nothing happening, extremelly excited, etc.]

That up there gets you into the mind of the character, what are his ticks, gimmicks, etc. Those are important, relatable characters are built upon how natural they appear and adding such details as body language and tone do wonders for that.

And tha's all I got, hope that helped.
>> No. 33580
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33580
Here are all the reviews I have done, feel free to peruse through them to see what I’m more or less about and how many times I have done this.

>This list shall be updated every time there are 10 new reviews.

> Non-review subjects you may want to discuss can happen here:

>>26698

Review count: 65 reviews

¬Four Days to Neighrobi Autumn Wind formely Zinger Rimshot: >>33573 / ¬SDEF Prologue Review NickNack: >>33566 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS take 2 Chaos Nux: >>32359 / ¬Storms On the Horizon: Book 1 Ch. 1 Eeveexpert: >>32176 / ¬Honestly PresentPerfect: >>32061 / ¬One Last Party Favor AnonPinkie: >>31650 / ¬Assorted Tales Anon: >>31639 / ¬SIE PaxImbrium: >>31385 / ¬Lost in the Crowd SyrinKitty: >>31368 / ¬Pony Effect Grif: >>31050 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel(revision1) NickNack: >>29993 / ¬A Broken Bond Rated-R PonyStar: >>29979 - >>29981 / ¬Pinkie Pie and Nothing More PresentPerfect:>>¬Arddun Lleaud Pride:>>29974 - >>29975 / ¬Bricks Ch4-5 ThePower:>>29415 / ¬O4 Lightsideluc: >>29411 / ¬Closer To Heaven Garnot:>>29402 / ¬Emotional Warfare IronPony:>>28462 / ¬Aftermath groovymann:>>28460 / ¬Dot Dot Dot Bannhammer:>>28459 / ¬Singing to the Moon uSea:>>28456 / ¬The Elements of Awesomery PresentPerfect:>>28261 / ¬An Azure Future Krass McWriter: >>27350 - >>27352 / ¬Cooking Floor Pt1 Starberry Burst: >>27347 / ¬Divergence Seattle_Lite:>>27344 / ¬RDBCNTH FireEsper:>>27342 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Chapter II Stormchaser:>>27340 / ¬The Art of Cooking Grif: >>27338 / ¬Friendship is Tragic Vermillon Kagamin: >>27337 / ¬Carousel Vanner: >>25998 / ¬Two Seasons TwilightSnarkle: >>25997 / ¬PonyNoir-Prologue Garnot :>>25995 / ¬The Kindness of Strangers Lysis: >>25994 / ¬Naamloos document Ebon Topaz: >>25784 / ¬I won’t see you tonight CoffeGrunt: >>25782 / ¬How Equestria was Made Batsy:>>25780 / ¬Breath-Taking ThePower :>>25779 / ¬Apples, Apples, Apples Anon: >>25778 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS Chaos Nux: >>25776 / ¬Equines and Exalts (prolougue and Ch. 1) DorianCreed: >>25328 / ¬Paries Transmuto Ch1 Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>24558 / ¬Masquerade! KidNeo: >>24554 / ¬Twilight Rhapsody Lady Luna: >>24542 / ¬I just want to Fly Dragnauv: >>24534 / ¬A Good Host N.K.: >>24515 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel Nick.Nack: >>22975 - >>22976 / ¬Vermächtnis Suche, Prologue Nick.Nack: >>22205 / ¬I Just Want To Fly Dragnauv: >>21909 / ¬Enemy Mine Everything Man: >>21425 / ¬Stargazing PanDotthast: >>21333 / ¬MLP The Hangover Lucki Poni: >>21332 / ¬Android R1NGmasterJ5: >>20964 / ¬Day of Foals Squeak: >>20960 / ¬Storm Princess MoronSonOfBoron: >>20699 / ¬Brave Heart Methinks:>>20590 / ¬Paries Transmuto: The Society of the Fourth Wall Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>20559 / ¬Division Arcifinious: >>19943 / ¬Loves Games Scribe: >>19740 / ¬*feeler* Rarity Disaster/Romance(>>18112) Desert Rose: >>19392 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Stormchaser: >>19349 / ¬Out of their Element Evilgenius123: >>19166 / ¬In Her Majesty's Royal Service Sagebrush: >>19000 / ¬Right Before Your Eyes PresentPerfect: >>18831 / ¬Helix Aspera StarmanTheta: >>18411 / ¬Maverick Lightsideluc: >>18130
>> No. 33599
>>33566
>The writing bit
Fair enough; those sentences are, in fact, clunky and I'll fix them immediately.

>Starfall's age
...
>Pic related: my face when you pointed it out.

As a reviewer, you are worth your weight in gold. Hell, if you're not obese, throw in your chair to that value.

I spent a few hours planning the ages and timelines of this story so that everything made sense. This paradox blows a pretty massive hole in my emotional continuity. I'm still a bit awestruck, but anyway, time for damage control:

I still want them to be husband and wife at the time the prologue. I want Starfall to have been reminded, every day, of what had happened to his wife at the hands of Garrick (remember the pegasus wings he nailed to the wall above what serves as a mantle in his cave?). Otherwise, his rage seems kind of... ill-founded. I'm not saying it's impossible to love your mother that much, but unless he lives with her (which he doesn't), he wouldn't really be as hateful as I need him to be.

So, I'm going to change their relationship to 'engaged' in the pre-prologue flashback and justify it by declaring his age as two years older than Iron. 19's a little young to be getting married, but it's the best way for me to subtly demonstrate how much they cared about each other in a subtle manner (and I can't imagine me being able to bring it up explicitly: "He had loved his girlfriend, bragging..." nope, sounds like ass).

Uh... Iron and Starfall were new recruits, so they were officers (lowest rank, unlike the military) of the guards. I'll work that bit in, too: there's no way in hell that you missed that and it's your fault. They were a pair of the youngest lieutenants in history: Starfall was appointed to the position by his much-older lieutenant when he became the current captain of the guards somewhat abruptly. A few months later, Iron's lieutenant died in the line of duty, and the other sergeants passed on the position. Now that I look at it, I realize that I've failed to portray their friendship well as it ought to have been, but then again, it's hard to do that when they're in the middle of a huge fight caused by one side dealing with years of inner turmoil and with that, this whole project has come full-circle.

Thank you, Samurai, this has been an eye-opener.
>> No. 33681
>>33573

While I concede that there is little introspection into the characters and few actions going on in the chapter, I also feel like adding too much would weigh down the story and trouble the pacing.

This chapter is mostly set to introduce Apple Bloom's illness and foreshadow possible developments of it.

I figure I will need to pay much care to adding enough details without weighing things down.
>> No. 33787
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33787
I'm back, well, back to queuing reviews that is, drop your thing here.

>>32794
Yes, very true, I ask all to give a few spins to >>26698 and go there in case you want to discuss your newest fic idea, concepts you are unsure of that you think I might be able to help and all that good stuff. Additionally, try to help me out with my pseudo-project, I need some to discuss to make the ideas flow better.

So yeah, go hang out there, just remember to sage your posts.

>>32753
>>32757
I must kindly request that, although my open door policy is still in effect, you don't sent me disjointed segments of text. First chapters and prologues generally are constructive pieces that allow me to not need to know certain information to evaluate, but if you start sending me a chapter without the previous one then it all falls down. If you have a second chapter send it to me first so I understand what is happening on the third, otherwise I'm going to be lobbing bombs at the whole that are explain previously rather than actully evaluating the story (plus all the work I did for the rest of the story goes to waste).

I await your return.

>>32790
I'm back, as you might have notice, although through out this week I will be slower (yes, that's possible) than usual due to the inability of people of reading very clear instructions of how to use million dollar worths of machinery. I shall work anyway, I need something to distract my mind from the stupid, so post them here.

>>32809
Would you desire I review this as a stand alone or joined together with the next one?

>>33599

1.) I can understand that, again, the whole son thing was something I just came up with in a flash after writing the review, so I didn't actually expect it to get applied.

2.) I'll work that bit in, too: there's no way in hell that you missed that and it's your fault

I believe I'm justified in asking, what? Please elaborate because I'm not quite sure what I missed (which could have been plenty I admit but in this particular instances I'm truly befuddled) as, even if we use police ranks, you wouldn't have a whole contingent of lieutenants. If you are saying that I didn't realized both of them are lieutenants, I did, but I was using the fact that they were lieutenants now and grunts 7 years ago to form a timeline where I could see if it were plausible. Again, I'm confused to what you actually meant.

>>33681
As I have told others, unless I tell you something as a suggestion is not something you need to fix but rather how I would have done something, if you feel like adding more detail is unnecessary the please don't add them for the good of your fic.
>> No. 33792
>>33787
Of course I won't start sending you chapters out of order and out of context. Next time you hear from me, it'll be with an ordered list of chapters. Will even include the first chapter too so that everything is neat and tidy.
Just don't wait around for my return. I write very slowly, and I write a lot (apparently).
>> No. 33798
>>33787
>Stupid brain, not making me type coherently
This is getting confusing to the point where I will label times in order to make things easier for me to explain.

Year A is when Comet Tail gets attacked.
Year B is when Gilda gets kicked out of her tribe.
Year C is when Gilda starts work as a guard.

I was commenting on your apparent confusion about Starfall and Iron's work relationship during year A. They both started work during that year: Starfall in March and Iron in July. Comet Tail got attacked in August. By "I was Starfall's junior," I meant chronologically, not authoritatively. By year B, they've both become lieutenants (by the end of the summer, Iron is promoted to captain). I'll admit that seven years is a little fast to be rising four ranks, but it took them about two years to become sergeants and another three before 'luck' struck and they were promoted to lieutenants within eight months of each other.

The way I see it, there's one captain, two lieutenants, ten sergeants, and forty officers (3-5 officers per sergeant). If split proportionally for activity, that means there's six sergeants and about twenty-four officers during the day and four sergeants and sixteen officers during the night. The average officer has a six-day week, with ten hour shifts on those days (but think of all the money they save on union dues). They're also not tethered to their sergeant's schedule, so if they work on a day or shift where their sergeant is off, the get assigned a different sergeant for the day. I didn't put this in the prologue, because that's all going to be part of Gilda learning how to be a guard.
>> No. 33825
Hey, not sure if you noticed but I posted my stuff in the bebop thread. Feel free to comment on it.

Since the rules state that posts have to be related to reviews, have you added my super-meta fic Story With Occasional Editor to your list? I apologize in advance if you've already reviewed or added it.
>> No. 33893
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33893
>>33787
Standalone review please and thank you.

Chapter two is still undergoing corrections. It got stalled for a while, since I was rather busy over the weekend. Hopefully, I can get back on track today.
>> No. 33911
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>>33792
I have my thread open so I wait for people, as long as I'm here when you finished you can come any time (do keep in mind every page you write is 4 pages worth of reading for me so it might take me some time, I'll enjoy doing it, but it will take a bit to get you feedback.)

>>33798
Normal time progression, how does it work?!?

Joke aside, yeah, I could have been cleared what I meant with them not being lieutenants (I was refering to that on time A rather than time B) so it's just all a big silly misunderstanding. I mean, you can still use it to make the time line to see that the marriage might be a tad early unless they are eloping (which actually would make for some unnecessary drama... but people like drama so I don't know) but without clarifying when it does become confusing.

>>33825
I did see it just now (I don't have watched threads because I move too much) and I thank you for that. I'm going to sit down and considered it (part of me feels like adding primates is cheating on the no humans rule but the other side says it's a very good and well-developed concept) so yeah, I might ask a couple of people to join me in the document to discuss it (it would be nice if you had access to the Gdocs so you would join in too).

As for your fic, I am trying now to not review things that haven't been posted in here (as you can see how lonely threads don't get a message they will be reviewed but rather the invitation to post their stories on my thread) so until you post it here I must act as though it doesn't exist. That being said, feel free to post it here, you know I'm always glad to help.

>>33893
You have been added to the queue.
>> No. 33943
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33943
I'm saging and spoilering this because it has nothing to do with reviews and I don't care much for it being read seeing how it's not my place to say this and chances are that most of you don't deserve it, but I had to write it somewhere:

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!? YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST DID? I DECIDED AGAINST ALL JUDGMENT TO GO TO "Past Sins" COMMENTS TO SEE THE REACTIONS, EXPECTING TO SEE SOME AMOUNT OF CRITICISM TO, YOU KNOW, HELP IT IMPROVE!!!! WHAT DO I SEE? THAT PERFECTIONISM CAN RUIN THINGS? THAT THERE ARE ERRORS BUT IT'S OK, YOU ROCK? THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT WHAT THEY ARE GIVEN MIGHT BE DRIVEL (I might be enraged, but it doesn't mean I will break my rule of not commenting on stories I haven't been asked to comment on) DUE TO THIS RIDICULOUS NOTION OF LOVE AND TOLERANCE TO WHAT COULD BE BAD WRITING? THAT IT IS OK TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN TOO EASILY AS DEVELOPMENT IS BAD? HAS THE FANDOM LOST ALL CRITICAL EYE? WHY?!?!?!?!

Thus ends my little soul cleaning, hope you aren't bother by this.
>> No. 33952
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33952
>>33943
At last, someone speaks the truth about 'Past Sins'.

I'll go ahead and say that's the story's premise is good. But good god, couldn't they at least try to iron out some of the mistakes?

Personally, I think the whole 'past sins' craze comes down to it's 'advertising' not the actual story structure. Worse, no one seems to care that it has gaping errors.

Samurai is right to be griping.


Spoiling because I know people are going to hate on this. Also, Saging for non-story comment.
>> No. 33962
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33962
>>33943
In reply to the spoilered bit:
I can relate. I was reading one story that had errors driving me up the wall, to where I was begging the author to fix them. Yet, every other reply I saw was everyone eating it up like so much perfectly seasoned steak.

As for past sins, judging merely by the premise and the art it has, is getting those good reviews by appealing to the sentiment of adorable with a dark edge. It probably appeals to that part enough that it overshadows its flaws. Much like Twilight* had an appeal that overshadowed the flaws for a significant number of the reading public.

And I don't mean to say Past Sins and Twilight are on the same level, just that they might be part of the same phenomenon where a they have an appeal that overshadows the flaws others notice.
>> No. 33964
If i understand right, you guys have a strong opinion of this fic because it hasn't filled all quality standards at least adequately?
>> No. 33966
>>33911
Well, let's say I'm posting it. I can't link to it with this but once I get on a real computer I'll do so immediately.
I've already voiced my opinions for Past Sins (who's name, BTW, is far inferior to my story's, that being Sins of Yesteryear) in epic's old thread. Still, I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments. I found myself editing and adding to the story as I read it, in fact. It would only be an hour's work to clear 90% of the mistakes. From the rate of posting it's already written too.
>> No. 33969
>>33964
>Saged
Son, you are so lucky that I respect the good Samurai's rules. I kindly advise you to take you business elsewhere, before I do something that you'll regret.
>> No. 33970
File 131162133305.jpg - (76.42KB , 900x600 , Samurai Colt battle by Manden.jpg )
33970
>>33969
>>33962
>>33952
>>33964
>saged (I hope I did it right)
Hey everybrony, this is not the place for this discussion (unless the samurai is fine with it)

Side note, Samurai , I think you need to see this pic. If you have not, here you go. If you have, well o.k. then.
>> No. 33971
Okay, just got this story nice and finished, for your consideration.

This story was greatly helped by TwilightSnarkle on three different occasions as it progressed, and has helped make me a better writer because of his teachings. It's finally finished, corrected, and he appeared to enjoy the total product.

But true insight is found through the differences between different eyes. I request a second-opinion. I want to see if there's anything you personally recommend as I polish up the story as much as possible. This is my first fan fiction, and I would prefer making the best impression possible.

I humbly bring to you: Controlling the Weather

Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1huBV2G2vTMMKdTHbItKNjJeYdKyw5i4bgnmFLKPmbUo/edit

Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W7MxQl0EEFk06bXpmBzY3i7uYys-vbeTu_FynG5gxmk/edit

Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XI6CJkyX7k9xQrctrLE3Juc9p0rZQIScYt45J7Sptj8/edit

Chapter 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KGKoNx2Xz6LBsXxhcD9G27VaOw5AAnaaCYqeeZlscvc/edit

Chapter 5 and Epilogue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1z6GafCLig1QgG5IiH_jEQ1P-3BueABR6UzmYkL93cZs/edit

I would be honored if you may point out anything that sticks out to you, before it gets ready for submission to EqD.

You have my thanks, and I hope you find the story amusing.
>> No. 33972
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33972
>>33952
>>33962
>>33964

TL;DR: I am not criticizing the story as I have not been asked to do that, so please don't do anymore either, I'm criticizing the fans that admit errors in the piece but insist that they don't have to be fixed.

Don't misunderstand my words, whichever errors the fic might or might not have, it's not my place to do so as neither Stroke or Gloom have said "Samurai, tell us what you think." Until they do so, my lips are sealed as to what I find in there.

What I'm angry about is the fact that people are literary saying in the comments "You know, there are mistakes here, something which don't fit, events that don't make sense, but that's ok because I like it." This attitude, this sort of dismissing of the errors instead of telling the authors where they are is exactly what eventually bring the quality of the written works of a fandom down.

I, and itinerant reviewer with no call to any fandom other than the desire to help, find this to be horrible because it means that my efforts are for naught. I came here to help people improve their writing so that the pieces could be everything they could be, that they had a life of their own, one which one could only dislike but not correct. If a piece has errors and they are not fixed you are polluting it, you are making what could have been the greatest story be just a normal story at best or a mediocre one at worse.

It's not a matter of this fic, I have no ticket on that opera, but rather that it's pervasive across the whole fandom, this hand-waving of simply fixed errors because they liked the premise/depiction of one character/person who wrote it/some random element and thus telling the author to fix his mistakes would be bad. I have seen it in just about everywhere, in good fics, in bad fics, in fics that don't even deserve to be discusses. Why must you guys do this? Why can't you bluntly tell them to their faces "hey, I like your fic, but this right here is wrong and should be fixed, thank you for writing such a good piece of literature"?

Reading through the comments in just about any story in EqD is a trial for me, mainly because that sentiment above exist everywhere without missing a mark. I can't, as a reviewer, look at such hugboxing and remain silent.
>> No. 33982
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33982
>>33977
Oh, I'm the samurai, you can still find it on my eyes.
Or rather, The travelling Creatures.

>>33966
I shall await for it.

>>33970
>>33971
Nice catch, not my cup of tea as I'm not really that into ponies, but I like enough to save it, thank you for that.

Additionally, you have been added to the queue.
>> No. 34802
Sup dawg.

Here's chapter 6 + 7 of my increasingly dumb fic.

Chapter 6: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rlu912bTfr8qWTxXwgvVBzHT6aggU5A0W8R6Vjhxlb0/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 7: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sDnyhA6EQqzMOCDWcu6sPW6Ho-jfdELomwKkXz6NzHg/edit?hl=en_US

And for convenience, I'll put the links to my previous chapters.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tl_4WOOLdnOQ4NcGgc6jiMiwbMxPe5qsGmqO0OsrmKU/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CPy01_QE

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mRugeZ3ZB9oo8ahAZ2zPhFpuRFPEhQOnzOEz_XdxnpE/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CLqh0NcH

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mRugeZ3ZB9oo8ahAZ2zPhFpuRFPEhQOnzOEz_XdxnpE/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CLqh0NcH

Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XscqrJCQrS_3vUkzoDOSZOhsSWdDNamXP3eN_9Q4eRQ/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CI7xvcoN

Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SnyFzPRZy_e_Nff9zO-67lbn4nhn-PInVQq_2J_EXJU/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CL6sk5kO

If you can help me salvage this, I'd appreciate it.
>> No. 34972
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34972
> I would like to apoligize for my litte outburst and my abscence. My outburst was uncalled for and unneccesary as I have no authority to go calling out people. My absence has been do to work and I hadn't been able to work on anything related to reviews. I shall try to have them done soon enough.

>>32809
TL;DR: The writing has some issues which are minor but widespread. This is still very solid storywise.

Hello there Garnot, I hope I haven’t kept you waiting for too long (I have) and that you will find this helpful.

As always, let’s start with the door, your writing. Your problems can be basically summarized into: random capitalizations or lack of thereof; commas, and thus gigantic sentences, everywhere; semicolons issues of various types; miscellaneous.

Please read:

> every gaze seemed to study me from head to toe, as If I was the first 'real' male they had laid eyes on for who knows how many years.

Or

> Suddenly, the purplish glow that surrounded the Duster became white.

Or for something a bit more prevalent

>"Oh my!” Rarity said as she looked away, “This duster, it used to belong to someone else, didn't it darling?"

Now, I shall tell you right now that all those sentences have something that is miscapitalized, namely an If, a Duster and a This respectively. I have no clue why you capitalized If; the duster isn’t the Duster, it’s a duster; This shouldn’t be capitalized because it’s a continuation of the sentence rather than a completely new section, so unless you change that comma to a period or eliminate the first part of the speech all instances where you capitalized like this (which there are a couple my friend) are wrong. This are only a small samples of capitalization errors, you literary have a variety to choose from, let it be from capitalizing words such as She, leaving uncapitalized she and so on and so forth. In general, check you document for capitalized words to see if they should be capitalized or not, then read around to see when you start a new sentence and capitalized those (!" she used her magic to take off my duster, is a good example. Why isn’t she capitalized if her next action has no direct relationship with her spoken words?) as to make sure it’s clean and kosher. Next.

What do:

> From what I witnessed firsthand during the Crusade, griffins were also capable of bipedalism, they however, didn’t wield advanced human firearms like the Equestrian military or the Regulators, but their own set of armaments which hearkened back to a more primitive time in their history.

And

> Then the war started, and it suddenly became the norm for equines, particularly those in the military, to be seen walking upright.

Have in common? They have too many commas, are extremely long and could be cut or rewritten in more compact ways that will lose nothing in terms of meaning or explanation. Whenever you write a sentence with commas a common rule of thumb is “three is company”. What does this mean? If you are using more than two commas in any one particular sentence you better have a very good damn reason for doing so. Look at the second one for a second and tell me what purpose does the first comma do? Stopping speech? With what purpose? Is the enclosed information a clarification of a large statement? Isn’t that the purpose of the enclosed section? I want you to experiment right here and eliminate that comma for you to realized it actually has done nothing to help you get your story along as it’s an unnatural stoppage, one (the start of the war) leads to the other (bipedalism), thus making the comma superfluous (not so with the clarification that it’s mostly the military as it’s not implied by their of the previous clauses). You do this, a lot, sometimes leading to a maelstrom of commas for no good reason.

The first one however is special because you essentially jammed together two completely unrelated points (griffins can walk on two legs, griffin like to fight like ninjas) into a single sentence, thinking commas would provide for such structure (they don’t). Changing that second comma for a period, I could even say a semicolon but barely, is the only logical choice as those two points aren’t strongly enough linked for you have them in the same sentence. Very much the same way the sentence “I like ice cream and the sky is blue.” is nonsensical, suddenly continuing on the idea that griffins don’t use ranged weapons from the fact that they can also be bipedal also doesn’t follow very well. If you still feel the need to make them interrelated for whatever reason you might have, then put a semicolon; if not, use a comma and rework the sentences. This isn’t the only afflicted by overly long comma fest, check you sentences and separate them out.

Talking about semicolons, I am getting the feeling you don’t use them very often or don’t know how to use them. Case points?

>"Darling, you are staying the night; end of story."

That semicolon should be a comma as there is a direct connection between the two statements (her saying he is staying and that he has no word on it.)

> As I kept on walking, I couldn't help but frown; there must be hundreds of ponies living in this town; how was I ever going to ask them all about my lead?

First semicolon should be a period. Why? There is no relationship connection between the two (his act of frowning doesn’t cause the existence of hundreds of ponies, and he could frown regardless if they were hundred or just one pony) and thus putting a semicolon there does not fulfill its purpose. A semicolon should be used only if two clauses have a weak relationship independent of their ordering (one doesn’t happen after the other but rather is implied). In here lies the difference between saying “I smoke weed every day; that’s probably bad for me.”, “I smoke week every day and now I got cancer.” , “I smoke, weed if you wanted to know, every day.” and finally “I smoke weed. I got cancer.” because they imply different levels of relationship of cause-effect, just plain interrelation or simply ordering of events. Thus, whenever you put a semicolon think about how related one is to each other (can the clause exist without causing the other? Can the clause occur without the other? Does the clause exist merely to expand another?) before deciding what punctuation to use.

Other scattered errors: tense issues (hopping? Shouldn’t it be hopped? And so on and so forth), sentences I would have modified (it might just be me, but is Trixie Solaris or Celestia Solaris the most powerful non-divine being? The sentences is unclear to me) and the sort are there (posses is not possess, trough is not through, change is not chance) so go over and fix them.
>> No. 34974
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>>32809

Let’s talk story. I clap to you for a job well done. Not jumping right away back to the cultist killing, thus actually building something up, is a good choice as you already established the poor conditions of the rest of the world and introduced Ponyville as a special place, one where the hold of war was staved off by the force of the guards. Constructing Ponyville and contrasting it to the clearly broken up existence of the rest of the world in manner that is being done is great for the story and it allows your character to grow and for us to have more questions that might hook readers. What is going on in Ponyville? Why is all so less noir than the rest of the world? What is going on just in general? The fact that those are the same questions the narrator has only help guide the reader through the story in a more efficient manner while still developing the story.

Some points to consider though:

1.)You have now established the Sisters or someone that is called exactly as them as non-divine, which implies that there is a divine being. If there are different from the Celestia who allegedly controlled the sun then sure, the non-divine fits and you have no major plot consideration. If they are the same, who is this divine being she is being compared to? Is this a cthulhu we should be concern about? God roam Equestria and the world like a ball park? Many implications come from that work and I hope you are ready to have them scrutinized as the story goes along. You have just promised us gods, I won’t forget about that.

2.)Your initial narration with the structure of “world building, by the way I’m on a train” is not rocking any boats with me. As a reader, unless the fact is self-evident (you start talking about how different the place you are in is from china establishes you aren’t in china) I must have that sort of information since the beginning. This actually an easy fix as you can easily just add at the top some sentence about how boring the train rides are and decide to past all the information you could about the place to get your bearings or any other manner you desire. Establish you are in a train or in a trip first, go on your long world building explanation second, return back to the train last.

3.)When you are talking about Ditzy Doo you tell use she finished her story but don’t tell us what her story is, even a glimpse. All we get is that: she is trying to hide her sadness, she can’t focus, she has a scar; nothing, however, was brought up by said story. The way I see it you have two choices: Eliminate that section of her finishing her story and attaching the semicolon and all that goes after it to the previous sentence; give us a very small summary of it, no more than a sentence or two describing it (she finished her story, the classic refuge’s tale).

And that is all I got, I hope it helps.
>> No. 35090
Welcome back, Samurai. We all missed you. I expected the review to take a while, but since you did seem to disappear completely from the board, I waited a few days and eventually posted my work in Seattle and Fluttershy's thread. It just recently got a solid second-opinion from there, and I messed around with a bit of it to make it more clear.

I don't know how far you got into my work so far review-wise. I saw you visited the docs to copy them, (I had them on a separate tab) but that's it. If you're not far, I would say don't worry about it. If you have spent quite a bit of time on it, then I would be more than happy to learn from my mistakes. As I've stated in the other threads, this is my first completed story, which means I need to learn from what I did wrong as soon as possible, so I can avoid the pitfalls in the future. Not trying to hog the reviewers here, so I'm leaving how much or how little entirely up to you.

Welcome back. I never followed Samurai Jack that closely, so I hope you can connect the coming analogy of one of my favorite episodes that I remember to this day.

You're back at the mountain of ice. You have no external reason to climb it, and you will face great hardships if you do. You will take on tasks that will burden you greatly, tasks that few others could even attempt. You will never reach the top, you can only keep climbing until you inevitably give up and move on. No one can ever force you to, but if you choose to, you can help others and prove to yourself that you can.

Climb, Samurai.
>> No. 35132
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35132
>>35090
I won't do the review as long as you desire that.

Your review has been stopped and the elimination of the raw files is pending confirmation you don't desire the review.
>> No. 35181
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35181
>>34972
>>35090
Thank you for the in-depth review Samurai. It is mighty appreciated.

Some things I would like to clear up.

1)Yes, I'm bad at using certain punctuation cues and such. English isn't my first language, so I'm still getting used to some of the finer points. I like to think I improve with every review, but as you've pointed out, I still got some ways to go.

Good thing I enjoy learning.

2) <"it might just be me, but is Trixie Solaris or Celestia Solaris the most powerful non-divine being? The sentences is unclear to me"
Yes, that one sentence did get mangled up. Trixie Solaris is the adoptive Daughter of Celestia, and she was the most powerful non-divine entity. Now, Celestia and Luna are powerful, but they aren't as omnipotent as they have led on.

Which of course, brings me to your second point in this mater

<"You have now established the Sisters or someone that is called exactly as them as non-divine, which implies that there is a divine being. If there are different from the Celestia who allegedly controlled the sun then sure, the non-divine fits and you have no major plot consideration. If they are the same, who is this divine being she is being compared to? Is this a cthulhu we should be concern about? God roam Equestria and the world like a ball park? Many implications come from that work and I hope you are ready to have them scrutinized as the story goes along. You have just promised us gods, I won’t forget about that."

Yes, there is a power higher than both Luna and Celestia. Yes, there is mention of various gods that live through the world, hidden, as they are powerless in thanks to the steady hand of technological progress, and yes, there is a Cthulhu-type entity, as well as a whole pantheon of so called "Elder Gods" waiting in the shadows.
Gods were indeed promised. Gods shall indeed be delivered.

3)<"When you are talking about Ditzy Doo you tell use she finished her story but don’t tell us what her story is, even a glimpse. All we get is that: she is trying to hide her sadness, she can’t focus, she has a scar; nothing, however, was brought up by said story. The way I see it you have two choices: Eliminate that section of her finishing her story and attaching the semicolon and all that goes after it to the previous sentence; give us a very small summary of it, no more than a sentence or two describing it (she finished her story, the classic refuge’s tale)."

Indeed, Ditzy's tale was left rather vague, a fact that has been fixed. Ditzy's tale however, is revealed as the story progresses. Her role in this noir universe isn't that different from her 'canon' role (I say canon because its the accepted norm) of her being some sort of mail mare. In the noir universe, she plays the role of courier. This fact has also been added to imply that we shall see her again.

Everything else has been taken into account and fixed.

Next chapter is still being re-written, though I do have the original unaltered version just in case. If you so wish it, you could take a look to see just what could have been. It is located in the PonyNoir thread >>32002

Again, this is only if you are interested to see how the chapter originally came out.

Again, thanks for the reviews.
>> No. 35225
Gun With Occasional Editor index link, hot and fresh just for you, Samurai!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14L6sI44HPt8Adg3n1nP4SVGHcbrhLNz5Qazu3vnAOno/edit?hl=en_US#
Purple prose and meta-ahoy! Your cameo will be in chapter four, which is still being written at this time.
>> No. 35358
hello. Just tell me what needs improvement, note thats just draft one. of part one. Planning on adding more detail eventually, i'm very busy with a gun show going on and packing for a week long vacation at my grandfather's house.
>> No. 35359
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35359
>>35358
I need you to post a direct link to the document for I to add you to the queue.

That is all.

Also, thepower, let me know when you can join me on one of my Gdocs, if I am going to help you in that manner a review won't go deep enough.
>> No. 35382
Oh man, sounds serious Samurai.

I can be on by 6:00 GMT.
>> No. 35384
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35384
>>35382
Last response for at least 18 hours.

It's not a matter of seriousness but a rather a matter of technical details. I need to discuss with you rather than comment to you, thus it must be done live.

As for the time, I will have to ask you to delay it due to my trip. I should be on there Sunday, confirm time based upon GMT using 24 hours hours.

That is all.
>> No. 35387
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35387
Hey Samurai!
I've enjoyed reading your reviews of other Fanfics for a while now, and after a few bad botch-ups and false-starts, I've hit on a idea that so far seems to be flowing pretty easily from the ideas I've built up.

As such, I'd like to submit the prolog, first two chapters, and 'chapter-break' character profile for review.

I've been a roleplayer for a while, but transitioning from acting to storywriting has been... troublesome, so I could use all the help I can get!

Thanks for taking the time to do these reviews, and I eagerly await to hear what you have to say. Without further adieu:
A CONVERSION BUREAU AND FALLOUT:EQUESTRIA INSPIRED FANFICTION-
Fallout And Ashes- By Ash Heart
Prolog-https://docs.google.com/document/d/13i4vf22WwuWtggn5jftUay1NemIyAeMU5Ob4L9-_oYU/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 1- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UYRGUJA7MhYpGnc3d-4axlFQ30qvAp6pAEdTrwxmk1Y/edit?hl=en_US

Character Profile- Ash Blank: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AFM88Rwn5WGw0ORmp9KijKQFux8mP9T8N5M5oHWczWY/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 2- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GSHqGxiLZ2Cz4pjEligY0iHyAdBT14slAbkJwZ0FKM0/edit?hl=en_US

>Pic most likely not related. Sort of.
>> No. 35394
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35394
>>35387
Guh. Fic-tags. Almost forgot the fic tags...
[#Grimdark (Violence, Cursing, Graphic descriptions of violence, post-apocalypse][#Adventure][#shipping(maybe)]
>> No. 35585
Um... Hello. I'm Somber. I'm writing an Fallout:Equestria spin off fic. I'm not getting very much feedback given... well... it's a spin off fic. I'm hoping that you would give me some advice on where to tighten it up. I'm hoping that someday Khat will read it and I don't want to embaress myself. Though I probably will. Here is the link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XpM8TBQgypxAR_I_Tt4SbvkOg1GzT3EGpgOCem7nru4/edit?hl=en_US

I have 5 more chapters, but I figure one will be enough. Um... thanks?
>> No. 35598
Greetings, Samurai. I have a story I wrote as a Conversion Bureau spin-off. The original one was terrible, so I re-wrote it, but I have not been able to get much feedback on the revised version.

I was hoping that perhaps you might be able to give me some pointers and let me know what I could improve upon.

It's called "The Conversion Bureau: Third Party" and this is so far the first chapter. I am intending to write this as a sort of Espionage Thriller / Thriller in general

The link is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ymnI7_FogX03b_AaJ7bKqm32kf5z2K30eMVe5CAxnk4/edit?hl=en_US

Tags: Grimdark - Action Violence, OC characters, Sci-Fi.
>> No. 35599
>>35598

Sorry, I meant to say that "The original Conversion Bureau spin-off story that I had written was terrible, so I re-wrote my story"
>> No. 35708
Lol 24hrs. Whoops. In 24hr GMT time that'd be...

18:00 GMT? Sounds about right.

I'm usually good for any day Samurai, so...
>> No. 35709
>>35708
I'm on chapter 6 as we speak, join me.
>> No. 35737
:|
>> No. 35743
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35743
Hey-hey, Samurai! Remember me? It's been a while.

So, I've continued my work on the prologue I wrote, and I tried to edit out all the mistakes. Plus, I now have three additional parts!
The story is coming along quite nicely, and I'm getting positive ratings and reviews on FimFiction. So, seeing as you were the first person to ever rate my fic, I was wondering what your thoughts were on my continued work.

Here's the link:
http://www.fimfiction.com/story/37/How-Friends-May-Fall

I'm looking forward to your review!
>> No. 35829
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35829
>>35737
-I'm on the document, join me.
>> No. 35837
You will no longer find me in the document, I shall be on it again in about 90 minutes.
>> No. 35857
Nevermind Samurai.

I've lost my main audience after an event on an IRC Channel that caused me to get permanently banned. Without these people, I have a very, very, very small audience, even with my story being published on EqD. This audience is too small to justify me continuing this increasingly shitty fanfic.

It is for that reason that I am holding off on making any more fanfiction for this community. An indefinite leave of absence, if you will. I have yet to make a name for myself, and my writing skills haven't improved as much as I would have liked. I have entertained few and added little to the brony community; my services are no longer required (not that they were required in the first place).

I'm sorry that I wasted your time, and I hope that you continue to make awesome reviews, no matter where you are or where you go.
>> No. 35876
>>35857
I didn't get past the fourth chapter and, if you remember my review, I didn't particularly enjoy it. However, you stumbled over a novel idea with psycho-Rarity (if you aren't the right guy, my apologies for my terrible memory) and I'd be remiss if I didn't repeat my earlier sentiments about how it could make for an excellent horror plot. Just because your original idea didn't work out doesn't mean you should give up the ghost just like that.
>> No. 35880
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35880
>>35876
If you can, join me, I believe we have a matter to discuss in relationship to your little project. 1-2-3-4?

>>35857
In a way, it's a pity that you decided to stop writing as all people should have at least one good story under their belt.

On the other hand, if I am reading correctly you were writing for all the wrong reasons and that enough might have accounted for your "increasingly shitty" work. A writer must always understand that he doesn't write for others but for himself, that the most important audience he can or will have is his very own mind telling himself "I love this story and I don't care who says otherwise." Does it mean you don't accept advice to improve it? No, but it does mean that whatever you write must be something you love, something which you will carry proudly in front of everyone. If you were doing this for an audience I can almost feel what went wrong: you didn't respect your story. Your story wasn't something that matter to you, it was something you used to get the attention of other and thus you stopped caring for what went inside of it, thus leading to your downward spiral.

Now, am I wrong? Were you writing this because you enjoyed writing it rather than that you enjoyed other people reading what you wrote? If indeed I'm wrong then stop feeling bad for getting banned, get down to it so that you can make this story be memorable enough so people actually care to increase your audience and continue doing it the proper way, working for your own amusement rather than that of others.

Your raw files have been destroyed and I shall be moving on now.
>> No. 35886
>>35880
I'm afraid I'm at my grandma's house and am currently stuck on a neighbor's unsecured wifi with my PSP. If you don't mind slow replies we could do it over gmail (not the chat since it only works with the HTML-only version).
I need to get my laptop back.
>> No. 35887
>>35886
Proceed, the day was lost to all sorts of circumstances so I won't be posting reviews today anyway...
>> No. 35900
>>35887

I am sorry to hear that, good sir. Perhaps tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should give other chapters or just the one. Oh, I suppose the tags are the same as for any Fallout Equestria spin story.

I am sorry for your lousy day, good sir. I look forward to you opinion. Take care.

Somber
>> No. 35944
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35944
Oh wow I just learned all the backstory of our little meeting reading through the last few posts.

Jack. I love you. In a totally non-gay way.
(No offence to all you coltcuddlers out there)
>> No. 36186
Sigh... perhaps tomorrow, good sir. Perhaps tomorrow...
>> No. 36193
If you can read this, I'm on a phone.

I'm currently having internet problems which are being fixed.

If all goes to plan they should be posted within the next few hours...

That is all.

>>35944
Just keep writing.

>>35900
>>36186
I do wish to remind you of a very important rule of my thread: I shall take as long as needed.
This of course doesn't mean I will look at your story and then ignore it for a couple of days but rather that I take my time doing these reviews so they are as good as I can make them.
As for the other chapters, anyone is free to post whatever they desire as long as it follows those rules above.

I apologize for the delays but I simply refuse to rush my process and I can't control outside circumstances.

No picture, I'm not in my computer
>> No. 36222
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>>35225

TL;DR: A great piece of literature, hardly anything to gripe about. Well, a little distinction between the two types of text (written text by others and the story itself) might be in order as to make it less confusing.

I love making short reviews; mainly because it means that I didn’t find any glaring errors. Let us begin.

Your writing is, as most of the other works I have read, pretty much clean. Tense are correct, the words aren’t misspelled for the most part and the punctuation is more or less in the right place. That being said:

> The living room didn’t have much in the may of amenities; a simple plaid couch, bought from a yard sale, was the room’s center piece.

That may needs to be way or otherwise I’m all out of slang points.

> With he opening concluded the setting began to shift as Squeak left the room.

He instead of the? Change it, now.

> I peeked out from the skyscraper’s shadow and eyed the alicorn; more and more passer-by were being drawn into her trap, and as the group grew so did her power.

Passer-by= singular, thus no; Passers-by=plural, thus what you are actually describing.

And that is basically all I found that needs correction, so go do it.

There is another part that I wanted to talk to you about and that is the different sections of your writing. Consider for a second this section.

>It didn’t take me long after leaving my apartment to realize that something wasn’t right: High above the bustling city’s populace were dreary fluffs of mashed potatoes, the maize orb in the sky beating through their grey shield to cast its luminous boon down upon the populace of the bustling city, the cities populace bustling about as they weaved their way through the stifling streets and asphyxiating alleyways, grate steal monoliths reaching into the sky. each reaching up as if they were trying to steel the heavens.

The bad grammar, the wrong words, the horrid punctuation. Yep, this section doesn’t fit with the rest of the text in ways a reader would notice. What a reader might or might not notice is how this text is actually part of the description of the Pony sue. Why? I have no guide for this unless I’m a very attentive reader in the lookout for mistakes, who sadly are the minority rather than the majority. Even when you are talking about Squeak text it seems interweaved with your own story in such a way that people might find it confusing. My suggestion? Use a different font for each of these sections of text. Squeak words? Arial as you yourself suggested. The pony sue? Put comic sans or some other annoying font. This way, the different part of the text are obvious where the line between the literary and the writing occur while still keeping them both at the same place as you intent. Bolding them, italicizing them or similar trick won’t work as they will limit you greatly when you want to add emphasis to your own character. Just a heads up.

Story wise, this stuff is great. The meta content inside this story is beyond good and you are handling quite interestingly the whole concept of, well, writing. A world born out of writing, with characters that have to deal with the issues incurred in those fics and their consequences is beyond interesting and you are handling all parts of this story at they should. At this point, you have interesting characters ( I bet Sturm loves his cameo so much right now… that man has an ego I wouldn’t feed) which are handling themselves well and I absolutely love the whole Pony Sue situation. One word of warning though, even as I like this depiction of Sturm you might be careful in fawning too much over his power and abilities. He isn’t a Pony Sue just yet, but make sure there is more to him that just being the resident crass-talking god of /fic/, that sort of character would be boring.

Well, that’s all I got, hope you find it helpful.
>> No. 36272
My apologies. The directions recommended a day between 'bumps' and I am quite new to this. This board and you were recommended to me for professional feedback. I apologize for my lack of etiquette. Review as you wish, of course, good sir.

I shall practice my patience and return to chapter 8.
>> No. 36291
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36291
> I today have learn to never use local internet service providers if I can evade it... damn them and their lack of good service....

>>35387
TL;DR: You have many extensive writing errors with your punctuation, word choice, tenses and the sort. Your story also feels a bit handwavy at this point, some elements existing as to justify other within the story.

Well, a doubly-crossovered/spin story is frankly amongst the most unique concepts I have seen while reviewing and I can sense this can shine. Let’s see if I can help to that in any meaningful way.

Your writing needs works. Included, but not limited, you have such problems as: your insistence of using the construct ‘was x-ing’ rather than ‘x-ed’ as you should in other to reduce wordiness; your punctuation for dialogue is poor, you failed to put a single comma where they were supposed to go and sometimes forgot them outright; you have some of the weirdest tabulations I have seen being used in any fic and it results from the weird structure you are using for your story; you have misspelled words across the text or misused words (then instead of than, resourses, it’s/its issues, a/an issues, prosperity is not posterity, etc.); you are capitalizing random words for no good reason; you have a tendency to put adverbs in front of the verbs which, while technically nor wrong, should not be done as to make sure that the reader modifies the action rather than considering the modification and then attaching it to whatever comes alter (trust me when I say you want to control what you reader modifies as this creates the mood.

Other writing issues:

You have two different ages for your character, establishing he is eleven, then that he is twelve, then that he is eleven and finally saying he turned twelve 3 days after the nukes finished exploding. I guess I don’t have to tell you what’s wrong there. Timing, dates and the sort appear to be very fluid and I would suggest you sit down and check to make sure you are saying the correct date and time between events.

Words which I don’t think you know what they mean: sect, cult, giger, pegasi (plural of pegasus). Look them up and you shall see that unless the HLF is a religious organization that those two don’t work, the second one doesn’t work because it’s just plain out wrong and pegasi has already been explained, looking it up you should be able to see why there is a mistake when you use it.

My no edit rules prevents me from going to details, problems are simply too dense for it not to become editing real fast.

Let’s talk plot and background for a second. Here I shall go on about a series of issues I have with your story, tidbits you present that might need some rethinking.

>The Cuban Uprising in 2070
If we are to read your story correctly a 17 year old is quoting a war which might as well be the equivalent to our children speaking of the horrors of the Bohemian revolt. If you have no clue what I speak of then I have proven my point, your timeline is a bit too far out there from the referenced events (by the same token, your wording about the assassination means another one was successful on 2450, which references both a person and a specific time period we have no clue about and thus confuses the reader.)

> Superfast conversions
I don’t think you truly understand the scope of 1 billion people going to be converted. It means literary that every single second of every single day of that week, between the nukes and the war starting, more than 1600 people would have to be converted. This of course ignores any preparatory procedures that go into the conversion, the fact that sticking a needle or drinking the stuff will probably take longer than that, transformation time, people delaying themselves, problems with energy supply, etc.

>500 year old weapons still working.
I want to think for a second, when was the last time you saw something which was 500 years old and still worked? Now, I want you to imagine the state of the art weaponry of 500 years ago. When you have done that you will notice that most of those weapons (including but not limited to Minutemen missiles) don’t really make sense. A Minuteman missile of a lower generation (which I assume is what is being used by the HLF as the launching of a nuclear missile requires the approval and passwords of at least a dozen people) would mean a development time of about 450 years in a world were a weapon system that is 30 years old is amazing, 40 excellent and 50 legendary. Add to that what would be very old guns, ancient rocket launchers and the attentive reader would just kind of shrug at the fact this people are the using what must be on their time line the equivalent of muskets for us. Don’t give them the opportunity to shrug.
>> No. 36292
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36292
>>36291
>The reason for rescue
Ok, at this point I sat down and my reviewer could only utter a single word: contrived.
> Dash grins. “You’re a survivor. You want to live. That’s a spark of magical energy, and that hope and drive to continue even after the end of the world makes you someone worth saving.”
So if I were to understand correctly, all the people who are seeing the world go to hell and saw there is no hope for their irradiated lives must die? And your character, who is a human, is special because he has some sort of pseudo-magic? And this is the very same Celestia who is supposed to be nice and caring? This just makes your character sound a little too… sueish. This is not needed, this is not good, this isn’t well thought out. Suppose you were to say that Celestia simply wanted to save everyone she could instead of this whole “drive to live magic” ordeal. If it were that instead of this saving your guy, and only your guy, would make a lot of sense because you are telling us Celestia is about to wipe the earth clean soon enough anyway (although why not wait a bit more to get more survivors is also beyond me seeing how earth being a wasteland won’t be changing any time soon if the local conditions are to be believed…) so this whole line of reasoning to make your character special is unnecessary, he was just a lucky idiot that stumbled upon dash and now has an ally to help him deal with apocaliptia[sic] and his escape.

>Dash talk.
A long series of meme derived quips, some odd language choices and a line which bordered the incomprehensible (although I was able to read it just fine, others might not try) you will need to redo the whole dialogue. I don’t care how much you like memes and the sort, unless they fulfill some purpose (they don’t built character, I assure you that) they are annoying rather than entertaining. Change them.

>Your narrator
Remember when I said you have a weird tabulation? Well, it comes to play because of the odd way you are presenting your story. If I understand correctly you are showing a video to someone and adding information as you go along as if you were in the video, thus needing your tabulation to not confuse actions with. The thing is, by acting like the video is outside of the purview of the narrator as you are you are seriously hampering you comprehension. Suppose I told you this story.

>The man runs toward the girl, holding in his arm a bouquet of flowers, all in a smooth motion interrupted only the static. The video pauses.
>I remember that day; it was a hot day, not to many clouds, a perfect day for a stupid couple who had fallen in love to roam around the city.
>The video continues, the girl crying out ‘I thought I would never see you again!’ as she approaches the man. He utters ‘Nothing will keep me away from you, not now, not-’.
> How stupid is the man in love you know, he thinks he will live forever and then fates kicks him back to reality. Heh, it can’t be helped.
See what I did there? I am introducing a video, I’m introducing conversation that occurs within the video and I’m having the comments occur as the video runs. These ‘ and these “ are you friends, use them. Your tabulation works the same way that filling holes in a ship with paste works, it’s not the best choice. Play around with your tenses and tone, use the nature of video to constantly remind people that all present tense portions are part of a video, all past tense sections are the narrator and dialogue is, well, dialogue.

Additionally, make sure this sort of presentation has a purpose rather than being a gimmick. You better have him presenting this to another character for some reason or otherwise the whole video thing is just distracting and not worth all the problems it entitles unless it affects the plot.

>The merging of worlds.
Not really a criticism but rather a heads up: what? You might want to explain a bit better what you mean with this as I’m currently seeing two planets colliding and, well, that never ends well. thinking out the rules of your world is an essential part and thus you must at least be able to explain this sort of element with some depth, something which I can’t even derive from the text (that is not to say you have to sit down to explain it, just try to make it a bit clearer as to what exactly does this involve.)

Other issues are indeed at play but are the result of these things up there, so fixing them should in theory fix those. Hopefully I was able to convince you that these changes will make your story stronger. The concept is great; the execution requires a bit more practice.

And that is all I got, hope you find this useful.
>> No. 36294
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>>36272
There is no need to apologize, it's my own misgivings for having people so long for my services, something however I can't fixed. The reason for that post is not to admonish you but rather remind you that regardless of my services I'm still a man with very little time and that I do work on all stories that are present to me, regardless of writing level.

Additionally, guidelines and a referral? Whose guidelines and whose referral?

Plus, your review is incoming. I will admit it's short and you will be disappointed, however I assure you that's a good thing.
>> No. 36301
>>36222
Sorry for the slow reply, internet went down for a day. Anyways, I'd love it if you could give me a quote to attach to the story (I've been paraphrasing other people's reviews but they just don't feel right). Mentioning the horror angle from the fourth chapter would be greatly appreciated.
I made the fixes and changed the font. I was worried about it not being obvious enough too so your help was excellent.
Also, my other project is coming along nicely. I'll E-Mail its current draft.
>> No. 36314
Ion-sturm's unofficial guidelines to fic recommended waiting a day at least between 'bumps'. The referral was by a friend who reads the boards. I don't know what name he goes by here.

And thank you for taking the time, good sir. If you want the rest then that will be complement enough for me. I have no right to being disappointed. I simply want to write good work.
>> No. 36320
>>36292
Hmmm.

Thank you for all of your thoughtful words Samurai. You've given me much to think about.

I will admit, this is my first story and I've rushed into it headlong, so every bit of critisim helps (though the fact that two posts were required to make your review does sting quite a bit... ^^u)

Thank's again for the review Samurai!
>> No. 36451
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36451
>With delays and all, I present you, your review.You can thank a very diligent person for point out things I missed and thus had to go back and read it again to confirmed if they were there.

>>35585
TL;DR: Your writing is solid even when you have some small mistakes, you have made me hate every single character in your story and I frankly wish everyone just dies. Very much like the original. Good job.

Huh, these seem to be getting more numerous. Let’s see what you have brought to me.

Writing wise, this is clean and clear, so much so that chances are only nitpickers like myself would notice the mistakes which frankly don’t reduce anything from the story but they do abound somewhat. Punctuation and its related rules is part of it, although tense and wrong words do make an appearance. Let me try to list some of them.

> Not soon enough.” The gray maintenance mare muttered, “I can’t believe she tried to service a terminal without turning off the power,” The gray mare said sourly.

I don’t know if you noticed but you made her mutter and say the same phrase while the first one doesn’t get anything. This is wrong and can be fixed in a variety of ways: eliminate the mutter section, eliminated the said section or, be the better choice, simply change the position of the first period with the one of the first comma and uncapitalize the ‘the’. However, this double comma issue (although it more correct to say double punctuation issue…) is not unique, a second example can be found a mere paragraph away with a comma after ‘things’ that makes no sense as you don’t establish speech until the dialogue is over (of course nothing stops you from putting that comma there if you didn’t put another comma at the end). Look for others I didn’t mention or missed outright.

Also, look up for things after dialogues, you sometimes capitalize them ( ‘The radio squalled’ for example) for no good reason, the reverse us also true (various instances of mom when use as her name for example come to mind.) There is also a periodic problem with you putting a period rather than a comma when things are said (include here all manners of verbs which could be construed to mean that they were uttered, directed or otherwise said to a character) which you might want to check by searching .” and it’s variants and seeing if they are correct (it’s hard to use !” so I wouldn’t worry about those too much.)

Additionally, you have a tense issue at play here my friend:
> I hate this part.
Considering this is in the past and I have my doubts she will return back to the Stable to continue hunting down males that are too old then we have a problem.

> In reality, we both know the Overmare would happily put both of us on punitive duty indefinitely.
She eventually dies and you are using the past tense throughout the rest of the text, so it is ‘both knew’.

And so on and so forth; be in the lookout for this sort of mistake, there are more. Just a note, the line ‘I hate waiting’ can be kept on present tense because that establishes she still hates waiting and is still alive (or dead but living… I don’t really know with Fallout universe).

Another weird glitch: your insistence in putting words that should be together to get another meaning separate. The worse offender? Over seeing. The correct wording is overseeing as an overseer, while over seeing doesn’t quite mean that (a reader my just join them on their head, but I am a reviewer, I don’t let such things slips). Shot guns rather than shotguns, all ready rather than already, sledge hammer rather than sledgehammer, all these nice errors abound. Fix them.

Specifics rather than systemics?

> I found some scraps of metal and some hooflaces and tied the lengths…
A double ‘and’ are unnecessary, use a comma instead of the first one and you will see it still works. Hell, follow deeper into that sentence and you could exchange the ‘and’ after ‘supporting it’ with a period. Don’t overdo ‘and’s.

> What did it hurt?

I think I know what this means, but I rather have a who instead as you can’t hurt inanimate objects as this could imply (nitpicking, my daily bread.)

> Instead it looked like a half dozen bucks….
I am pretty sure we can do without the a thank you very much… I truly don’t know what it’s doing there.

> …with a levitated sledge hammer.
In this one instance the word should be levitating as the action isn’t being doing, it’s just describing the sledge hammer[sic].

> Finally he collapsed and my adrenaline finally gave out.
As a general rule of thumb, do not repeat the same word in the same paragraph if you can help it, very much less on the same sentence because they are normally redundant as in this case, were you clearly make both events happen simultaneously.

>Poka, drug, others words too maybe in here.
Read your sentences carefully and you will see first that Poka is not the same as polka and that drug is not related to dragged, drag or dragging. Check other words to see if similar mistakes were made.

Now, story-wise, this is a solid piece up to know and you have manage to develop the hooks correctly. Two things though.

Remember the Overmare recording? I’m confused as to how that was recorded, why hadn’t P-21 used it considering he must have made the recording and thus heard that in person and, most importantly, why you feel the need to put it there. Consider this: Blackjack is bored, goes checking a bunch of audio recordings of coitus between the Overmare and P-21, sees two files which aren’t the same as the others and hearts Duct tape say that. Doesn’t that get the same effect? I mean, suspicion would immediately come to her mind as Duct Tape dies by trying to updated a terminal, something which sounds like routine. All the actions would carry the same (I mean, she even mentioned the Overmare on her recordings) with no need for that section as is she was truly bored anything out of the ordinary would have stranded out like a white light in the dark sea boredom is. If you feel strongly about including that, then you will have to explain how the Overmare, who had no trouble hiding all this from her security guards and thus was competent enough to do at least that, would think it was safe to start speaking about her super-secret project around P-20. The answer he was sneaking behind? Then why not use this as way to justify his survival? A “door is opening soon so why kill me?” kind of situation. Of course, the sneaking is further complicated by the fact the PipBuck is not unattachable if I read FoE correctly (you need a special key for that) so making the whole thing harder for me to imagine. Trust me when I say you lose nothing by removing that section.

Secondly, her second (or third, depending if you consider beating down a guy down before he can react a fight) you begin by telling us that there are two colts and then proceed to tell us there was a filly. Don’t believe me?
> Through the doorway to the cafeteria two stringy colts spotted me and at once darted out,…

I believe you might want to change that to, you know, ponies rather than colts seeing how colts can only be males.

And that is all I got, as dense as this was the story has just begun and any problems with the plot itself might or might not be evident just yet. I do want to know what happened to the Overmare (she dying would be too easy, although of course you could have already said that) and the rest on the stable, but considering she has the Witch-King of your world following her I don't think we will know until a while later. Keep writing.
>> No. 36458
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>>36301
I am the last man that can give anyone gripe over faulty internet (at this point I practically feed off it).

1.) I don't understand, a quote in what sense?

2.)Good.

>>36314
Heh, I bet his ego just got a thousand times bigger because of that. Regardless, follow them, if everyone applied them this place would be so much smoother and more helpful.

As for the referral, tell your friend I'm honored, I'm just a guy with a backwater thread who gives reviews. Professional feedback might be a little to high for me. I hope you find your review helpful, and yes, feel free to post the rest if you so desire. Do keep in mind however I can take quite a long time as this is a sort of side-side-activity for me. I will get it done, and I will get it done well, just not particularly fast.

>>36320
Now, now, don't get discourage by silly me. I am just a reviewer, a guy who gives out his opinion to others that so desire it. Thus, I'm nothing special, you are free to ignore me as much as you like. All that writing there is just a list of suggestion and pointers you might want as to how I would make it better. What does it mean? Don't let a long or stinging review get you down, just see if they have merit, use what you can and carry on.

Hope you continue writing, the concept is intriguing at many levels and I would certainly love to see you pull it off.
>> No. 36463
Thaank you ever so much for your feedback. This is why I was encouraged to submit my stuff to you and I am elated you picked out both systemic and specific flaws.

In a stable all ponies have a PipBuck that include a recording feature and virtually unlimited memory. I had the Overmare's file there because Blackjack wouldn't have been interested in the others. So she would have had to essentially stumbled across it by accident. I felt this stretched coincidence a little more than I was comfortable with. When BJ heard her talking about fixing the door, then she went looking for the DT recordings that mention the stable tec transmissions. The story unloads from there. So I would rather keep that. You are right on the other specifics and systemics.

I'm not sure what TL;DR means but I'm sorry you want all my characters to die.

Here is the second chapter... hopefully you change your mind?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Npe2JiBF9eI_FhXcTwQpUqpuFEjUotUZQK6rvwo8Ox0/edit?hl=en_US

Thank you again for all your assistance, good sir. I will make corrections now.
>> No. 36524
Okay, so I accidentally posted in the old thread. Mea culpa, still haven't shed the noobishness.

Anyhow, I'd be interested in anything you might have to offer on http://www.fimfiction.net/story/380/Losing-Ground . I think I did a fairly good job channeling Bradbury in the first part, but I can't help but feel it started losing steam towards the end, and can't quite put my finger on why.
>> No. 36531
>>36458
You know, like on the covers of movies. "Two thumbs up", "The year's best movie", "I can't believe I payed to watch this crap", something like that.
>Saged
>> No. 36535
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36535
>>36458
Discouraged?

My good sir, -never- discouraged! Perhaps a bit disheartened because every new writer wants their first to be a big miracle hit that dives the reviewers wild with praise and applause, but we all know that (usually) doesn't happen.

In fact, I'm putting the finishing touches on the next chapter as I write this, and am thinking about doing a side-story for a bit more explanation on why a orphan knows so much about world history.

So I'll be putting that chapter (plus the edited versions of the Prologue, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2 as decided upon by my own ideas, your suggestions, and the suggestions of Seattle_Lite) up here soon.

Thanks for the suggestions and the review, and I'm looking forwards to showing you more of my work.
>> No. 36553
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36553
>>36535
Speaking of which...
The edited stuff and the new stuff (plus a handy-dandy timeline to kind of explain the insanity going on in my head!)

TAGS: [#GrimDark (Violence, Language, Depictions of Gore and Violence)] [#Adventure] [#Scifi] [#ConversionBureau]

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13i4vf22WwuWtggn5jftUay1NemIyAeMU5Ob4L9-_oYU/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UYRGUJA7MhYpGnc3d-4axlFQ30qvAp6pAEdTrwxmk1Y/edit?hl=en_US

Character Profile- Ash Blank: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AFM88Rwn5WGw0ORmp9KijKQFux8mP9T8N5M5oHWczWY/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GSHqGxiLZ2Cz4pjEligY0iHyAdBT14slAbkJwZ0FKM0/edit?hl=en_US


CHAPTER 3:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KKr4roLi9bqY4fz-p7sDDD6cA2krug36m2rb0jwilh0/edit?hl=en_US

WORLD TIMELINE: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e_awElnJKA6lvyRToAZ1ft81eFuhPygojg0TP1pPyLI/edit?hl=en_US


Now with LINKS! Thanks in advanced again for reading :3
>> No. 36648
I am honored that I could help you out of your funk. While my comment for the fic was out of cotext, I wasn't going for comedy. Either way, I hope you like and hope you improve it :) http://storybirth.deviantart.com/art/Trixie-s-Pet-Ch-1-246700326
>> No. 36693
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36693
>>36463
Well, I can't really explain it but I mean that in a good way, as in, you succeed in emulating (not copying) FoE. After much digging on my mind that is the only expression that comes to mind with FoE, but in the most positive light possible. So yeah, it means good work.

>>36531
"The misused of the term meta is so widespread it borders on the ridiculous. Thankfully we have this story (without forgetting about it's companion) to show others what a metastory really is while providing an entertaining read."

Is that any good?

>>36535
Heh, good to know. Will get to work on it when I go through the queue.

>>36648
Oh, I didn't conclude if it were humorous or not, I just really like when people come up with this sort of silly ideas. From the tragic to the romantic, from the funny to the risqué, a good story begins from a good premise. I shall get to yours as I make my way through the backlog.
>> No. 36711
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36711
>>36553
The freak state was I in when I wrote this?!?

I'm sorry Samurai, cancel the review for the Third Chapter, it needs a full-rewrite. The combat is fine but...

Ugh, I was ah, using my 'sleep medication' when I wrote that and... well, looking at it, I'm -very- not pleased with the results.

The World Timeline is cool, I'm keeping that, but I'm rewriting chapter 3. Sorry for wasting your time.
>> No. 36712
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36712
>>36553
The freak state was I in when I wrote this?!?

I'm sorry Samurai, cancel the review for the Third Chapter, it needs a full-rewrite. The combat is fine but...

Ugh, I was ah, using my 'sleep medication' when I wrote that and... well, looking at it, I'm -very- not pleased with the results.

The World Timeline is cool, I'm keeping that, but I'm rewriting chapter 3. Sorry for wasting your time.
>> No. 36734
>>36693
Great, thanks!
>Saged
>> No. 36740
Samurai, how have you been? I've need of your services once again.

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/32945.html#36692

This is a third draft of my latest, my first foray into grimdark. I never gave you the second draft because you were on hiatus when I posted it, but the link is still live if you feel like comparing the two. Many thanks in advance!
>> No. 36820
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36820
Hi Samurai. Long time writer, first time writefriend here. I have an idea for a rather sprawling Adventure fic, semi Grimdark. I'm going to be including drawings in the process but I'm not entirely sure how I would go about that. Either way, here is a prologue and the first chapter.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ptoDU5CNAOEMwYWKHTrG7hqp_vbJPj7xtjq66fwt2eE/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 37297
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37297
Heh, sorry for all the delays people, I have just had a busy last few days, tomorrow I should probably have a dump for you guys.
>> No. 37731
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37731
>>35743

Just a quick update: I finished Part 4 tonight, and published it on the website.
>> No. 37981
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37981
>>35598

> Review done to the rhythm of Flying Teapot(The Seatbelts).

TL;DR: Your writing is odd, your introduction is both obnoxious and unnecessary and you have other scatter issues in all the text. Will read the next section.

>done to the rhythm of Pura Saudade(Fantastic Plastic Machine) before it ended.

Well, hello there, let’s see what we got here.

Ok, before we go anywhere here let me tell you something: you shall remove that introduction or I shall go in a rampage of rage like you have never seen before. An introduction is just that, an introduction, and should never extend more than a paragraph or two unless you present it like a story (but chances are you will end up with a prologue). If what you are doing is an explanation of the world, something that should only occur if we need that information to be able to understand something, then this sort of introduction is… acceptable. However, stories don’t work that way, in stories whatever you need to explain must be done so by the characters or the settings (case point, you make them explain to the ambassador pretty much all you talk about in the intro, the fact that there are conversion bureaus tells us that there are conversion bureaus, etc.) What does this means for your story? If a reader goes past your introduction, I would be impressed as to his dedication to reading your story, so don’t give us your writing notes (which is basically what you got there) as the door to your fic, many will not even enter.

Now, your writing. Oh my…

> Being a canine, he was not sweaty, but he was panting as heavily as any dog would be after completing a two-hour simulation of just about every possible worst-case scenario he could face.

Chosen because it’s a widespread problem: you are always giving unnecessary information or given it at the wrong time. Consider for a second if were to remove “he was not sweaty, but” from that sentence and read it. See what happened? Nothing was lost, mainly because we didn’t know he was sweaty, or not, until you brought it up. Seeing how he is not sweaty why even talked about it at all? Alternatively, look at this sentence.

>“The White House Library,” one of the Secret Servicemen replied, “hidden doors behind bookcases are so clichéd that this is the last place someone would suspect to find one here in one of the most secure places in the country.”

Why not simply say at the end “so cliché it would be last place they would suspect.” Saying it’s one of the most secure places in the world does nothing, show us that it’s the most secure placed in the world (the large amounts of security, the huge metal door and others are somewhat good hints for this), making this sentence be overly long for little to no payoff.

> The two canines spent the next twenty minutes scouring the slightly off-white colored room, simply decorated with a couple priceless antique maps important to American history, two padded chairs and a couch, a couple wooden tables and a few wooden chairs to go with them, a relatively simple-looking chandelier (considering where they were) hanging from the ceiling, a few paintings, a mirror, and a fireplace.

All that… for you to promptly ignore more than ¾ of it for no good reason. That one is not the only one; it’s not even the worse one. Reread your piece and seriously consider why you have those pieces of information there. All they do is slow down the story and kill whatever pacing you are attempting to go for. Fix it.

> Gunter removed the grate from the fireplace and hid it in the women’s restroom, where he was to hide.

This baffles me in various levels. You repeat twice the same statement (hid it in, was to hide) for the same statement in the same sentence, and I’m a believer that if you express something you shouldn’t repeat in the same paragraph (aka, do not use the same word or statement twice). However, you do this constantly, and it really just gets me out of the reading as it makes it seem like he is carrying out a different instance of the actions while it’s clear he first one isn’t finished. Just for you to see I’m serious about this repetition being constant:

> Without even heading back to his locker to change clothes, the German Shepherd rushed to the exit from the training room and rushed down the hallway, passing by his fellow canine agents with little more than a quick casual greeting, and then into the briefing room.

Apart from the fact this baby covers three lines and has three commas, you used tell me rushed twice when a single one would have done the job. Fix this.

Smaller issues: odd word choice (annual discussion sounds a bit too informal, annual meeting or annual summit would be better), capitalization issues (easiest example? “…You suffered…” ), and these odd things:

> Gunter stood at attention and saluted his superior, a gesture which the commander returned.

That which should be a that… and you do that a lot.

> then our relationship with Equestria will be dangerously destabilized.

Then is a funny word because, as punctuation, it tells us the level of connection amongst them statement of a sentence(s). In this case (and plenty of others), the then is not necessary because it follows directly from the previous statement rather than needing explanation (kill our ambassadors= rejoice is a very rare reaction I’m afraid.). Similar cases of this abound and must be fixed as to eliminate unnecessary letters and to maintain a pacing.

Story wise, not much to say really. You have humanoid dogs, you have a world with bureaus and you have someone trying to kill them. Thus, I have condensed your story to its very core. Thus, for now, I have to say I will need more material to say if the additions of the humanoid dogs does anything (seeing how they are dogs I would assume they would have a more, well, doggish mentality to everything) to improve the story. More material is needed and welcomed (a good thing if I say it sir) for I to help you crack this one.

And that’s all I got, I hope it was helpful.

PS: As much as I hate doing this…. Go read some Tom Clancy books… I might hate the guts out of them and will ask you to improve over what you read, but they do contain very helpful pattern to follow for the story you are writing. Almost any of ‘his’ books should do the trick, although for this one in particular I would suggest “Rainbow Six” as it deals with pretty much what you want, spies, secrets, terrorist, technology and crazy organizations. I would say enjoy but I will hold my breath.
>> No. 37984
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37984
>>36463

>Review done to the rhythm of Days and Days(Fantastic Plastic Machine).
TL;DR: The small errors I mentioned in the last section? Yep, they are here too, with the addition of some minor issues. Story wise? Yep, this is Fallout Equestria all right; you have capture the same feeling without simply grabbing LittlePip, painting her white and hopping others like your work. This is a distinct enough to hold its own ground and it’s the proper way to do a spin-off, the needs for everyone to die I feel whenever I read FoE is still there but I don’t feel you are copying anyone. Good job.

>Review done to the rhythm of Piano Black(The Seatbelts).

Well then, short reviews are a bittersweet things for me because I almost feel I failed the writer but, at the same time, I feel glad because it means that they don’t need my help. Therefore, here is a short review.

Again, very well written and nothing really to gripe about. Similar issues as the last one: some dialogue issues with wrong capitalization and punctuation (you capitalized He even though it’s not a proper name and there are various instance of using wrong punctuation with them, the whole .” I said last time); fusing words together as they should so they actually mean what you want them to (all right is not the same as alright and other words such as farmhouse, buckshot and others also come to mind); other minor issues (such as having p-21 rather than P-21 or lack of hyphens on two-century-old, used as a single description rather than a phrase, for example).

Two issues I want to bring to your attention.

> Though with how I must look right now it’d be a miracle if any pony was scared of me.
> Apparently it was still edible.
> Once again my security barding saved me from being crippled or decapitated, but by the goddess it hurt.
> I was so fixated on the room, I almost missed the butcher.

Ahh, commas, you silly annoying things. Commas are used to separate ideas and create necessary pauses so that the flow, and interconnection amongst them, can be seen in written form. Now, what does this mean? It means that a comma is uses to splice together incomplete sentence to complete one as to derive more meaning to them. Not using the commas leave a sentence which is left too long for its own good and can affect the passing. Consider the first sentence a second.

>Though it’d be a miracle if any pony was scared of me.
That’s a complete sentence right there and could stand on its own.

>> how I must look right now
Is not a complete sentence.

Ergo, you need to add to commas into that as that middle section is not required for the sentence to work. Now, you can rework it so that you don’t need the commas but I don’t see why would you even try. Similarly, the other ones have the same issue (apparently is what is called and introductory clause and thus incomplete aka add a comma after it) of comma placing amongst incomplete sentence which aren’t joined to the main one as to make a compound one. Look out for this sort of thing and, when in doubt, see if you can separate your sentence into pieces that can stand on their own. If they can, chances are you have a compounded sentence and can be left as is or separate them with a period; if they can’t you have a complete-incomplete construct and must add commas.

As you might have noticed, there is one that isn’t like the others and it’s for a simple reason: that comma isn’t needed. Now, you don’t really have to clauses right there because their relationship is mostly on the level of cause and effect. She was fixated -> she didn’t see the butcher. Putting the comma there would imply that the first section is a weak clause, when it clearly isn’t. Those are two are complete sentence on their own right and therefore separating like that only hinders the message. Make a compounded sentence and get the message across better.
And well, again, this is basically my other review with those added. Great story, great writing and that unmistakable feeling of the world in FoE while still keeping its very own distinctive voice. Consider this a spin-off and that the whole point of spin-off is for them to, you know, remain within the original, I shall only continue pointing out plot-holes and out of mood elements I might find if you so desire my continuing revisions.

And that’s all I got, hope it was helpful.
>> No. 37985
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37985
>>36820

TL;DR: Some very odd sentence structures, dialogue punctuation that needs quite a lot of work, very minute tense issues. Story wise, very short and interesting handling of the situation, your prologue is truly a good hook and you should feel proud of it. A bit of work and this could really shine.

Well, welcome to my little corner of this place of wonder called /fic/. I came here as an itinerant reviewer with the particular aim at helping writers improve their stories to their top potential, in particular concept I haven’t had the chance to review. And this, my friend, intrigues me. Sadly, there so few material as to render my review attempt unable to give you a longer review.

Let’s deal with your writing. You very odd sentence structures.
Consider:

>It beat its wings, just once, and the wind from it was enough to send flurries back into the air from the ground, scattering the chill over all six of them.

I can see what you mean here; however, tell why you couldn’t have written this as:
>It beat its wings, sending flurries across the ground, scattering the chill over the six.

Smaller, neater, simpler. It’s not even that you have purple prose, just that your sentences structures are very odd to say the very least. Let’s take a look at another one issue.

> Then, it was darted back into her mouth.

You are putting was in front of various verbs for apparently no reason. Was is added to a verb to represent something other than itself is acting upon itself, not when it’s doing something. In this case the tongue didn’t have anything external come over and push it, it did that on it’s own. Other examples?

> …and it was piled up over her shoulders…

I’m going to use this for two purposes, the previosu one and an stylistic one. First of, consider for a second what was piled means. It literary means that someone is piling it up on her rather than it piled on her hair. All because of an unneccesary was which changed how the action is seen. They are not the only ones, look for others. Another thing, unless you have a list it’s perfectly acceptable to eliminate that and as it’s implied. It add a ceartain gravity to the statement you would normally connect witht the eand as it’s theoretically stands on it’s own after the pause but still is connect to the previous one in a way that no other punctuation could match. Overusing it will make the read annoying, but if used carefully you can bring a necessary severity to the read. In this case, doesn’t “She was lying in a snowdrift, piled up over her shoulders and mane.” just read and sound better?

Your dialogue punctuation is… weak.
> Rarity stopped as well, looking back at her flank, “Pinkie Pie, I think if I dance any longer, my dress will simply fall apart,”

As a general rule of thumb, if you have a comma at the beginning of rule dialogue and one at the end you are doing something wrong. In this particular case the problem is a little widespread too, as you didn’t end this as you should, with a .” . Now, this isn’t the only case were you ended speech like this for some reason, sometimes even when the sentence ends right there. I would suggest looking up dialogue punctuation rules and reading them, you needs this.

Other mistakes include (but are not limited to): snow drift should be snowdrift (one is something moving, the other is not, trust me), nostils, and this sentence:
> Of course, there bounced Pinkie Pie,
Which I didn’t understand why of course pinkie pie would be bouncing, regardless of the fact she is pinkie pie.

Story wise: hook, line and sinker. That’s how much your introduction impacted me. Once changed to my format, this is little more than a page and 400 words long. Regardless of its length, I am truly interested now what exactly is going and you have done so in a gracious manner. Hell, I must say this prologue is idea wise a one most the most clever things I have read. Of course, the short length does mean I have no clue about the plot or any of the advances that will actually occur, so for now the only remarkable thing is that you will catch the reader’s attention with those few words. As for the rest, it’s a set up section, telling us this is directly after the gala. Overall, nothing to it and just a piece of building a story. I can’t gauge the success of the story will have right now, so I will need you to continue writing more of this. I assure you I’m more than willing to help.

And that is all I got, I hope this was helpful.
>> No. 37988
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37988
And with this I'm back to my normal schedule.

I apologize for the delays (although justified, unacceptable) and the three reviews that are missing (which two are almost complete and another one is being re-written to accommodate more material) shall be coming as soon as humanly possibly.

So yes, read the rules in the first post, post your stories here and lets see what we can make out of it.

huh, this place has more reviewers than ever. Heh, much better than how we started, assuming it doesn't mean people have stopped writing.
>> No. 37989
>>37981

Ow. But thanks. I needed that.

I never noticed how I went so overboard on needless details... thanks for pointing that out.

I actually did write up a couple ensuing chapters to this story, but with these suggestions, I'll gladly go and fix those before I post them here (although if you're really interested, one of them is on the Conversion Bureau post on Equestria Daily).

As for the introduction... well, I felt it necessary to give some background, but I guess if it's that unnecessary, I'll remove it.

Thanks again... I'll get right on that.
>> No. 38307
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38307
>>36648
>reposted due to lack of linking number

TL;DR: As I told you I love the concept, however this could seriously use an editor, as service sadly I can’t provide.

>review done to the rhythm of Danse macabre (Saint-Saëns)
>review done to the rhythm of Doggy Dog II(The seatbelts)
This review will be quite short I’m afraid.

What do this sentence:
> This Ursa Minor was raised inside this tree to obey the Great and Powerful Trixie.

This sentence:
> It was because we were friends from.

This sentence:
> Trixie almost flinched. She was bothered by it, too. But not for the same reason I was perturbed.

This sentence:
> They rise and lower trees.

This sentence:
> Of course, Star, let out a roar, easily snapping the weak vines with its mouth.

And this sentence:
> As we walked, I had to imagine how big I finally had to ask a question.

Have in common? They make no sense, even when placed in context. The first one is literary saying that the Ursa Minor grew up inside the tree with the specific purpose of obeying Trixie. That’s all nice and dandy until you realized there is no defined trainer for it, it just grew to obey the great and powerful Trixie inside the tree as you didn’t even define it was her who did it. If that were the case it would be “The Great and Powerful Trixie raised this Ursa Minor to obey her” or something along those lines. The second line doesn’t make sense in any context. The second contains information you couldn’t have possibly known at that time (for all he knew she would have been worried about the same thing…) and thus, it doesn’t make sense. The third uses the wrong verbs in such a way it gives the impression the trees are going to levitate (raise is to lift up) as part of a trick and the other potion was to counter the effects, which frankly would make sense if you didn’t say later it makes then grow or shrink trees. The others suffer from similar “huh, I know what you mean but it doesn’t work that way my friend” kind of errors.

This issue, sentences that make no sense, is the first thing really, in addition to dry dialogue, punctuation errors, some weird timing issue and a couple other things (look up passive sentences to see an example of what I speak of). I suggest you go ask someone who you know is good with the English language to sit down with you and revise you work or get a book called “The Elements of Style” and guide yourself with it like it were a bible (or your religious or irreligious guide book of choice) to improve your writing. Reading other well-known authors and comparing it to your writing will do wonders too.

Story wise? This concept is really interesting and conceptually it fits Trixie very well. However, how it’s present is a bit disjointed. My main gripe? Your characters. Up to now all fact we know about him are not really related to him (except for his name and that he is good with ropes, something someone could have figure out through his name) but rather to Trixie, he seems to know her in a way we can’t really tell, follows here for no other reason than because and in general just seems to be there for no apparent reason. Hell, if it weren’t for his last stunt with the rope I could have removed him from the story and we would have literary (in more ways than one) lost nothing. Trixie, on the other hand, is not fairing any better I’m afraid, especially since she seems to be going about her actions mechanically.

Now, you want to make him be someone we care about?

1.)Change is so we start knowing more about him rather than Trixie. Right now the facts about him are really are being thrown at the reader rather than actually presented. I mean, you mention they are going to the forest -> say no one goes to the forest-> say you are going into the forest anyway -> say you go to the forest all the time -> say you fix the bridges there. No exposition, no him telling that to Trixie or mentioning it, nothing. I could easily read that in a character description, which immediately means I shouldn’t read it on the text. Some people call the rule “Show, don’t tell” and it’s an easy way to remember it. However, it goes deeper than that: whenever a fact needs to be presented, you must do whatever you can so that they aren’t told by to the reader in anyway (like you were doing) unless it’s an event that isn’t currently happening or won’t happen again. There is a great difference between you saying that and making you character say “Hey Trixie, why are we going so deep into the forest, I never been this far out”, she responds something “What would you ever know? You think you have a better knowledge of this forest than the [introduce name here]?”, and he retorts “Oh no, of course not… it’s just that whenever I get normally get sent to the forest to fix the bridges, but I had never been this deep” and then introduce a whole explanation of the bridges and the forest and your character. His past with Trixie, his personality, all those sort of things needs to be greatly expanded upon or you might be looking down the self-insert/Gary-stu barrel for no other reason than you didn’t expand upon all the good and the bad of your character. Now go and make this his story.

2.)Give your characters more emotion my friend. Making him smile or her sound worried is a good start, but I am reading this in the most horrible monotone possible because I get little to no cues on them (other than you side notes of information you couldn’t possibly have). I want to hear them speak in fear, I want for them to show a little more action (taking a step back? Make him jump!), a little bit more involvement from all of them. Tell us what their body language is, were their eyes are looking, why in the world we should feel empathy with them. Create a movie reel about them and look at the details that make you care for that particular scene, and then write those out.


Short length and those issues do not allow me to continue on, but I am mighty pleased where this is going. Your story is there, you just need a bit of work so the world can see it shine.

And that is all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 38957
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38957
>>36740
TL;DR: That was an oddly interesting story, I feel it didn’t utilized this shadow world to its full potential, but there is nothing wrong with that. There is a bit of a pacing issue at hand but nothing a couple of lines can’t fix.

>Done to the rhythm of SMG Final Bowser Battle and SMG2 The Almighty Bowser

Well then, a bit of longer piece than your usual fare, let’s see what’s inside.

As usual, your writing is good, so good in fact I can only recriminate two single systematic issues: why didn’t you separate the fluttershy sections like you did in the rest of your piece and what in the world are these -- things?

Think for a second I am talking about the story of the French revolution. I begin with the classical things: the fact that France was ruined by her wars and stupid economic manage; the bad weather which called grain production to fall; the queen foreign origin. Now, before I go to the second point of that list imagine I then go into details about a family economic hardship (the subject is still the French revolution) and how they were doing during this time. What has happened? I have disrupted the flow and what is worse, I have accelerated the apparent speed of event by making them into some sort of bullet points rather than a narrative (bullet points aren’t used because they are pretty, they are used to compressed information). So what does the French revolution, this family and bullet points have to do with your story? Read this:

> Suddenly, the image jerked and they could see Fluttershy's entire body. Dark, clawed hands swung at her and she screamed.
>"They've found me again! Help!"
>The image of her friends faded from view as Fluttershy ran from the shapes chasing her. She was so tired from eluding them for the last... how many days had it been? Three? Five? More? That she'd been able to escape each time kept her going. She was unwilling to give up, especially now, when her friends were so close. It was just getting harder and harder to run for long stretches of time, even if she hadn't had to stop for sleep or food or anything.

Observe how the events of Fluttershy aren’t even given an introduction; we are suddenly transported into this shadow world and into Fluttershy’s point of view. That is nice and dandy, but considering she is in a completely different place, has a completely different focus and in general is different in tone (one is of mourning, the other one is of sheer terror) these two sections must be separated out unless. Very much the same way as keeping the family economic problem while describing the problem of france as a whole is technically possible as they are related, they thematically and functionally are completely different section. In the case of the Revolution presentation I used as an example, the correct thing would be to add that later. Here? The correct thing to do would be to treat all Fluttershy sections (the ones that aren’t co-worldly that is) as they occur in a world different from the rest of the text. So yeah, long story short, add a couple of these -------- between those sections and the rest of the text so that you force the reader to restart reading as thus slowdown those jumps into the underworld. This also has another effect: the ending must be extended and rewritten as to make it worth the necessary pause.

On other news, seeing how I can’t criticize what I don’t understand, what in the world are these -- ? You use them inside quotation marks for some reason and I’m still struggling to know why, or why use two of them. I would say eliminate them but I don’t know if it is something I don’t know I’m probably mess with whatever you are trying to do.

On the other hand:
You didn’t really make couples with Zecora, just letting you know that.

>. A second lasso ensnared the monster from another angle, and this one Fluttershy caught.

I read this sentence a couple of times and found myself annoyed by it as its basic construction is of “this happened, and by the way this one did too” rather than a more active one of “this happen in response to this” which would have looked more along the lines of “Fluttershy rushed to the other side, catching a second lasso seconds later.” to both show movement and a bit more action. Of course, that sentence I wrote is terrible and not your style of writing, but I just wanted to show you what I meant.

>She brought down a huge book, bound in black, and opened it on the table before dashing to the back room of her house and looking through her stores.

“of her house” is unnecessary, what other room could it be if the galloped to her hut? Also, backroom goes together like <- that. Other words that need to be joined together? Anymore.

> Zecora said, approaching with saddlebags filled.
No, no, no. There is no reason why you must order your sentence like that seeing how it isn’t speech. The correct ordering is “filled saddlebags.” and you must respect and change that.

Now, as far as the story goes, that was pretty interesting. The setup is a simple recovery situation, with an introduction to the problem, a search and fight and then finally the recovery. Nice, short and sweet. However, I think you inadvertly (or maybe not so much) have created a much larger mythology than this fic covers. Short stories in general rely on keeping the story open but the elements closed aka you introduce the characters, you defined their actions and you define the world very rigidly. You could make other stories with said characters but in general terms nothing is left unexplained or implied, all details necessary to fully comprehend the full implications of the story are there. Here, on the other hand, we have world of darkness of unknown origins with creatures of unexplained purpose that carried out actions with unexplained consequences. What you have here my friend is what appears to be a proto-story of a far larger tale which was condensed into just that. Is this bad? Not really, but the compression shows. It’s not that the story feels rushed (that is the result of the sudden jumps within sections) but rather that it feels incomplete. Those things I mentioned? They are the sort of important details that serve to guide us through the fic. This story however sets them aside and makes us just assume our backstory rather than developing it, thus confusing the reader. In other words, I believe some reader will find this to be missing a certain something, which would be an explanation to why in the world is there a world of shadows, why did that happen on that waterfall and in general a whole lot of setting questions. Thought you might want to know.

And that’s all I got, I hope that was helpful.

I just realized that I normally write reviews which are between 1/3 and 4/5 the necessary words for a full story post on EqD.... that actually impressed me.
>> No. 39016
>>38957
>why didn’t you separate the fluttershy sections

I did this purposefully to show that these events are all happening concurrently in time. The two worlds occupy the same area despite being nearly irreparably separated. I understand that this can be confusing (and for the one in the seance, entirely sloppy, as I added that scene in a later draft), and more importantly, they keep the pacing high, which has always been a problem with this story. I think, on the strength of your recommendation, I will separate them out.

>On other news, seeing how I can’t criticize what I don’t understand, what in the world are these -- ?

Em-dashes! Of course, if I had autocomplete on, they would be one long, solid line instead of two hyphens. But it has come to my attention recently that I may very well be using them incorrectly. In the narrative, used in place of parentheses or commas, they're fine, but when combined with the quotation marks... Let's just say I have a sneaking suspicion they should all be hyphens.

>You didn’t really make couples with Zecora, just letting you know that.

Do you mean my rhyme schemes were crap, or that I didn't separate them out as multiple lines? If it's the latter, that's a personal choice; Zecora isn't reciting poetry, she's talking, and talk isn't separated out by line. If it's the former, I can only offer my sincerest apologies and hope to hell I never write Zecora again (she was the biggest headache in this, I swear).

>However, I think you inadvertly (or maybe not so much) have created a much larger mythology than this fic covers.

Oh no no, I do not want this. D:

>I believe some reader will find this to be missing a certain something, which would be an explanation to why in the world is there a world of shadows, why did that happen on that waterfall and in general a whole lot of setting questions.

I am willing to accept this. My intention with this was not to explore some grand mythology, but to turn Fluttershy into a demon. I swear, that was all I wanted. I'm not even sure why anymore. I tried to fancy it up by exploring her place within the main cast of characters and Ponyville at large, but what it all boils down to is Demonshy. I'm not even kidding, and no wonder this one needed so much work. You don't write a freaking action piece to do character exploration, after all.

That said, I have unfortunately found one dangling plot thread after reading your comments: the portal. That shimmer in the air Twilight nearly fell into? It's the portal to the shadow world (how it strips the soul from the body, to leave the latter frozen upside-down inside a waterfall, I do not know). Knowing it's there, and knowing what it is, there's no way Twilight would leave that thing open for just anyone to fall into. I'm all but killing myself over this. I may just have to let it go, but I am not entirely satisfied with that decision. Putting it wouldn't fit the story, however. I am so torn.

>I hope that was helpful.

As always! Many thanks.
>> No. 39098
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39098
Hello Samurai, I have just finished the first chapter of my fanfic, "Bronyville" (don't worry, it's not a humans in Equestria story). I've edited it to the best of my ability so all that's left is constructive criticism, I hope you like it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gaZYe6UmyijAcTCB3RbzztMH1zdhYIA3Glz7TCVxBNQ/edit?hl=en_US

P.S. The title is still pending, feel free to suggest alternate titles if any come to mind.
>> No. 39939
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39939
>Boy did I take my time to make this. Used latest version to make the document.

>Done to the rhythm of Nessum Dorma(Puccini/Luciano Pavaroti)

>>36524

TL;DR: Beautifully written, purple prose that brings color rather drag, all with a story inside that it’s worth reading.

Well, a definitely short review for this one, as I have really nothing to contribute but cosmetic changes. Hope they find you well.

Writing wise, not much to say either. People misunderstand purple prose as something you should evade at all instances, a bane of all writers. Yet, as you have proven here, that’s a misunderstanding that people have, purple prose is a difficult tool to use effectively and should be attempted by a very few. You are amongst those very few. The only true faults I found with this piece are minor errors in your dialogue punctuations, all which you will be able to find by doing a simple search for ”, and ,“ as your problem is adding unnecessary commas after the dialogue is finished for some reason and then capitalization of continuation of speech (you know “xxxxxxx,” she said with a coy look, “Xxxxxxx.” rather than “xxxxxxx,” she said with a coy look, “xxxxxxx.” as it’s correctly written). Also, "what's wrong" should have a capitalized what’s because it’s the beginning of the sentence and needs a period after wrong. And thus ends all my corrections for the text which means you had in total of 6 errors.

Story wise, well done my friend in collapsing the story and the nice use of parallelism throughout the story so that we could both the divergence between the events and the similarities which transform them into characters. In a way, the tale is confusing as the pieces aren’t all really laid out to you, main events which would help you understand linearly are missing and even the elements which are present might or might not be useful. Regardless, an attentive reader can get the feel of the piece and then build the story on his own accord, although other readers might simply not get the piece. If that is an issue you want to deal with or not is completely up to you, I frankly enjoyed what I read and hope you write more soon.

And that’s all I got, hope you found this useful.
>> No. 39943
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39943
Review count: 75 reviews

¬ Losing Ground Quinch: >>36524 / ¬ Fluttershy Goes to Hell Present Perfect: >>38957 / ¬ Eternal Winter Bucko: >>37985 / ¬ FoE:PH Ch.2 Somber: >>37984 / ¬ Trixie's Pet Ch.1 StoryBirth: >>38307 / ¬ Third Party PonySoldier: >>37981 / ¬ Fo:E Project Horizons Ch.1 Somber: >>36451 / ¬ Fallout and Ashes Prog-2 Ashheart: >>36291 - >>36292 / ¬ Story with Occassional Editor Lightsideluc: >>36222 / ¬ PonyNoir Chapter 1 Garnot: >>34972 - >>34974 / ¬Four Days to Neighrobi Zinger Rimshot: >>33573 / ¬SDEF Prologue Review NickNack: >>33566 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS take 2 Chaos Nux: >>32359 / ¬Storms On the Horizon: Book 1 Ch. 1 Eeveexpert: >>32176 / ¬Honestly PresentPerfect: >>32061 / ¬One Last Party Favor AnonPinkie: >>31650 / ¬Assorted Tales Anon: >>31639 / ¬SIE PaxImbrium: >>31385 / ¬Lost in the Crowd SyrinKitty: >>31368 / ¬Pony Effect Grif: >>31050 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel(revision1) NickNack: >>29993 / ¬A Broken Bond Rated-R PonyStar: >>29979 - >>29981 / ¬Pinkie Pie and Nothing More PresentPerfect: >> 29977 / ¬Arddun Lleaud Pride: >>29974 - >>29975 / ¬Bricks Ch4-5 ThePower: >>29415 / ¬O4 Lightsideluc: >>29411 / ¬Closer To Heaven Garnot: >>29402 / ¬Emotional Warfare IronPony: >>28462 / ¬Aftermath groovymann: >>28460 / ¬Dot Dot Dot Bannhammer: >>28459 / ¬Singing to the Moon uSea: >>28456 / ¬The Elements of Awesomery PresentPerfect: >>28261 / ¬An Azure Future Krass McWriter: >>27350 - >>27352 / ¬Cooking Floor Pt1 Starberry Burst: >>27347 / ¬Divergence Seattle_Lite: >>27344 / ¬RDBCNTH FireEsper: >>27342 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Chapter II Stormchaser: >>27340 / ¬The Art of Cooking Grif: >>27338 / ¬Friendship is Tragic Vermillon Kagamin: >>27337 / ¬Carousel Vanner: >>25998 / ¬Two Seasons TwilightSnarkle: >>25997 / ¬PonyNoir-Prologue Garnot : >>25995 / ¬The Kindness of Strangers Lysis: >>25994 / ¬Naamloos document Ebon Topaz: >>25784 / ¬I won’t see you tonight CoffeGrunt: >>25782 / ¬How Equestria was Made Batsy: >>25780 / ¬Breath-Taking ThePower : >>25779 / ¬Apples, Apples, Apples Anon: >>25778 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS Chaos Nux: >>25776 / ¬Equines and Exalts (prolougue and Ch. 1) DorianCreed: >>25328 / ¬Paries Transmuto Ch1 Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>24558 / ¬Masquerade! KidNeo: >>24554 / ¬Twilight Rhapsody Lady Luna: >>24542 / ¬I just want to Fly Dragnauv: >>24534 / ¬A Good Host N.K.: >>24515 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel Nick.Nack: >>22975 - >>22976 / ¬Vermächtnis Suche, Prologue Nick.Nack: >>22205 / ¬I Just Want To Fly Dragnauv: >>21909 / ¬Enemy Mine Everything Man: >>21425 / ¬Stargazing PanDotthast: >>21333 / ¬MLP The Hangover Lucki Poni: >>21332 / ¬Android R1NGmasterJ5: >>20964 / ¬Day of Foals Squeak: >>20960 / ¬Storm Princess MoronSonOfBoron: >>20699 / ¬Brave Heart Methinks: >>20590 / ¬Paries Transmuto: The Society of the Fourth Wall Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>20559 / ¬Division Arcifinious: >>19943 / ¬Loves Games Scribe: >>19740 / ¬*feeler* Rarity Disaster/Romance(>>18112) Desert Rose: >>19392 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Stormchaser: >>19349 / ¬Out of their Element Evilgenius123: >>19166 / ¬In Her Majesty's Royal Service Sagebrush: >>19000 / ¬Right Before Your Eyes PresentPerfect: >>18831 / ¬Helix Aspera StarmanTheta: >>18411 / ¬Maverick Lightsideluc: >>18130
>> No. 39944
Hello, Samurai.

I have a 'short' (it's only 8,100 words! That's practically a fortune cookie by my usual length) story that I would love your particular brand of analysis on.

However! I first have a request, and as you are the one that is doing me a favor, feel free to ignore it if need be. Anyway, is it integral to your process that you don't read the story in the traditional way before reading the ending, then randomly working your way through the rest of it? I say this because one of my worries about this story is that I end it in such a way that the ending needs to be spot-on, but also... I'm kind of interested in your reaction to reading the thing 'in order' without knowing exactly how things end.

Therefore, if possible, could you read it through once before beginning your review? Or would that throw off the process by letting you 'cheat' as you attempt to reassemble the scrambled story? In the end, I want what's best for my story, but at the same time, I don't want you to 'miss out' on the ending acting as a climax of the story.

Also, is there a way you can read that last paragraph that doesn't make me sound like an arrogant ass? I'm trying to be straightforward and honest, but I'm also proud of how this story has shaped up so far.

Finally, before I link, I feel like I should give you fair warning: this is pretty much the maximum extent, in terms of graphic sex, that I ever plan on writing. I like to think I'm tasteful, and it's certainly not 'Ikea Porn' He inserted his 'rod' into her 'socket', but at the same time, I'd feel sort of like I was tricking you into reading porn if I didn't have this disclaimer.

Anyhoo, here it is.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ByMZmzPxriPJc19yCzYrxqqELg9gRzeFSxXGoXZISak/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 39952
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39952
Hey Samurai,

Are you going to review my fic? Or can I only have it reviewed once? I'm just wondering, because I noticed that you let a number of them go ahead of mine...

>>35743

I won't try to rush you into reviewing mine immediately,, but at least I'd like to know if it's still on your agenda.
>> No. 39953
Dear jack,

I would love it if you could review the first chapter of my fanfic.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rJQ8kvMBE2h56HtKwKLKH8uZWvKzPcUnR2X_QVMGt6w/edit?hl=en_US

if you want to, off course

Keep up the good work!
>> No. 39954
>>39952
He works on stories in a rough order based on that in which they were received. If he does another story before yours, it's generally because it was either easier or quicker to do theirs. This isn't a leading indicator on the length of your review; some stories are just easier to review than others.
>> No. 39955
>>39944
I shall do as you desire.... and then do my normal review.

>>39952
Ebon Topaz, I am working on your story, it just so happens that yours is 40 pages long and thus requires more time. I would love to say it will be ready tomorrow but I won't taint my conscience with a broken promise. Just be certain I'm working on it.
>> No. 39957
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39957
>>39955

That's all I wanted to know. Thank you!
>> No. 39958
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39958
A lot of people tell me I should finish this; here goes.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PNS2IugviOUQtwbGJaxiYyXUU1HvgMN__Ln_0tPXUZM/edit?authkey=CK2i9_AK#bookmark=id.8zs36l
fuembv

I'll warn you beforehand; I am a semicolon horse. The format for pretty much the entire story is "main idea; addendum". Additionally; I just found and deleted a duplicate paragraph, so don't expect anything too refined.

If this link is unsatisfactory; I can just drop the original text on Pastebin.
>> No. 40058
>>39939

Thank you for your review, as well for the kind remarks. That said, I am curious as to which elements of the story you feel are missing, other than the fates of the two characters involved {albeit the latter is heavily implied}.

I used non-linearity as a way of rewarding the attentive and deductive reader, and I thank you for noticing, Though it seems to be much more of a handicap for someone who prefers a casual read, I have no regrets in that regard.
>> No. 40060
Samurai... I have a piece I'd be honored if you took a look at. I know you're busy, but I feel like I'm becoming too married to the piece to examine it objectively.

"The day has finally come: Rainbow Dash has been invited to audition for a place on the Wonderbolts flying team. However, with hundreds of other ponies vying for the prestigious honor, can Ponyville's top pegasus overcome stiff competition and fulfill her lifelong dream, or will her hopes be dashed?"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RjkNieV6a_1pMwlA15m09cyVTP_gUwORozPZVB4KsHk/edit?hl=en_US

I'm not used to posting my documents in edit mode, so if this isn't in the formatting you ask for in your rules, let me know any changes you require.
>> No. 40087
>>39939
PS: What do you mean by "collapsing the story"? I have a few guesses, given the context, but I admit I haven't encountered the term before.
>> No. 40125
Guy, you seen this?

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/08/story-spiderses.html
>> No. 40127
>>40125
That fic changed my life indefinitely.

I feel privileged to have been a part of the fandom that produced it.
>> No. 40182
hey samurai, I'm back and with a few edits as well as a new chapter. I believe I've eased out the plot a little bit, but right now it's more of a calm before the storm.

Also I hope I took your words on dialogue punctuation to heart.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18xj7hv9mBsSe-3qHa7Net6tXa7j2FhhxsDDc0E3_vTs/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 40526
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40526
>this place is back, time for responses.
>>40058
>>40087
Your story has exactly 3 episodes.

1.) A meeting inside a coffeeshop where an ocean of darkness overcomes a lonely luna.

2.) A confused luna looking at her broken sister at a distance, her scream not actually reaching anything.

3.) A luna, back at another coffee shop, the notion of lost being very prominent, that one thing she remember having now being lost and now gained a dark mark.

I normally look at stories as isolated unit (I must get the notion of the world it is base upon, otherwise I will pointed out and tell you to try again) and, well, only those that can read the story to attention to detail will be able to figure out whatever else happened without remembering the show. The elements of harmony don't exist in your story except for the rainbow that appears, you only know that 1000 years have passed because the character tell us so much, we only know the fact that she returned back to normal because her sister doesn't have her trapped. If I were to take this all alone many of the canon events aren't not there, but hey, that's not the point of the fic, you have eliminated all unnecessary details and left us with what truly matter of the story as far as those two characters are concern.

The ending too (her return to the moon if I understood correctly) is mark with the same all telling incompleteness, the mark of a writer that leaves things to the imagination. You distilled a story and offer us the results, that is what I mean.

>>39957
My pleasure, I believe I should be done later tonight, let's see what happens.

>>40125
>>40127
Please refrain from making non-review related post on my thread.... something we have gone over about Mr.Foster....
>> No. 40542
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40542
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hU6HovPzcKk5Alj6YFwytuZfWSPLD1SxuBlIqTJmaX0/edit?hl=en_US#

i would appreciate alot if you look at my fanfic and tell me if the structure, dialogue, grammar are bad and thanks if you do look at it
p.s this is my first time on ponychan
>> No. 40642
Hello,

I'm honoured that you've offered to review my story, and I would very much like to take you up on the offer. Since I don't know whether or not changing the editing settings on Google Docs makes a new link, (and if the links on the stories thread are therefore obsolete), here are the links.

Part 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mugCcHaA-3Xj6ok_dCEnI6olUr-HeuNSrExw0YGG-ZA/edit?hl=en_US

Part 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Toqw5_jNCC8emLQcjNTQN63r_-BovRplIydd80l5O1g/edit?hl=en_US

Part 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/194RrBvZlb7SHek2pBPYHB47ioMa94Gi0fi8g1YMvNsQ/edit?hl=en_US

Part 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tnUWkxH6ng7RKRR_D7I_YS62yADuCisRzAihxKU4UMs/edit?hl=en_US

Epilogue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iHWeH21LOk4pc2h6xSB6F2fj-Czs_2kXs-zfyNebwUo/edit?hl=en_US

Again, thank you very much for offering. And please, be as hard on it as you wish. It's the only way to improve, after all.
>> No. 40748
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40748
>>35743
>>37731
>>39952
>>39957

TL;DR: Capitalization, punctuation, separation, sentence logic. Reminds me to a murder mystery story with a bit of Lovecraftian concept thrown into the mix (cthulhu not included.)

>Review done to the rhythm of Let there be Rock(AC/DC)

Hello there, welcome back, let’s see what you have brought.

Listing the systemic issues:

Punctuation (and related capitalizations): You seem to have little to now practice with it, having multiple instances of wrong commas, missing commas, extra commas, lack of semicolons and a whole other swath of issues. Your dialogue punctuation is mostly wrong, save only be the special status question and exclamation marks have in speech. More so, you don’t know how to use a compounded dialogue as you didn’t use it once, even when it would have made sense or it is out right needed. At to this that you are capitalizing after semicolons, capitalizing after colons and such similar things and you need to research punctuation rules, pronto.

>“I’m sorry, miss Sparkle.” replied the colt, as he blindfolded Twilight.
Speech uses a comma to separate what is said and the description that it is being said. Whenver you put a period between a piece of dialogue and the action you are separating as particular notions on their own, which in this case would mean that he said that and then replied. If you can argue effectively that such a thing makes sense I have nothing to teach you, otherwise check all your punctuation of sentences and change them accordingly (and it’s basically every single instance of .” you have on this text.)

>“I’m sorry for interrupting you, Mayor Mare.” said Twilight. “But I need to know if I can borrow Pinkie Pie’s balloon. I need it to get to Canterlot.”
This right here my friend compounds to issues, the previously mentioned issue with putting period instead of commas as you should, in addition of the fact you have two connect sections of speech (the but tells you only so much) but you instead separate them into two completely different units of speech. Unless you want to convery a ceartain order of events (she says a statement, does something else, then says something else for example) you should keep the dialogue all joined together as a single unit as in reality there is no reason for said pause. Change the first two periods and suddenly twilight says all that and there is no artificial and unnecessary pause. You do this a lot, change it.

>“Please, Rainbow!” Shouted Twilight, grabbing Rainbow Dash by her shoulders. “Calm down! What’s wrong with the cupcakes?”
Why is shouted capitalized? Hell, there are many instances of word capitalized incorrectly I just stopped at one point. Look up capitalizations rules and remember them so that we don’t get these errors (; She too had… for example.)

> Rainbow Dash calmed down for just a moment, yet burst into crying and turned her head away soon after.
Why is the comma there? It’s a serious question, I have no clue why it’s there as the pause does nothing and the sentence flows better without it. That being said, “burst into crying” is a bit clunky, try better “burst into tears” or even “started crying” but “burst into crying” is just… wrong.

> She pay any notice to where she was going, but she didn’t care./ She had no idea how long she had ran, or where she had run to. / A host of lying/layed/lie/etc. issues.
Timing is a tricky thing which you must learn to deal with. Take for example your first sentence: apart from the fact I believe it’s lacking a negation there somewhere you have put pay rather than paid as you should considering the rest of the text is in past tense, making it be wrong on two accounts. The second one suffers from the other problem, misuse of timing but on a different manner as in this situation the verb in question (had) is already in the past tense and thus you need a past participative for run, which is run. Keep an eye for such thing.
Finally, look up lay/lie guide for you to use it correctly; you misused them… well, every single time.

> She looked even more pale then before, and she seemed to have trouble remaining conscious.
A problem I mention before on my previous review, you don’t use the construct more pale when doing comparison (well, actually I have yet to see where this “more x” is actually correct) as it should be x-er, so in this case it is paler rather than more pale. Other similar errors do exist, search them.

> eachother, sugarcobe, stuggle, pricess
I don’t know why you do this, but you didn’t do it correctly, not even one instance. Eachother is not a word; the correct wording is “each other”. The others are just wrong.

Not so systemic issues:
> This hole was made by someone of purpose.
Excuse but what does this mean? As I read it right now it means that whoever made the hole was done by a person who is known to have a particular purpose or mission, which… doesn’t make sense.

> As such, they had simply decided to let it rain some more often.
Or this? What is that some doing it there? Or is it the often that is extra? I can’t really decide, but eliminating one or the other makes this start working again… I think.

As for the story, compelling is a good word to describe it. It’s certainly much better written and more expressive since the first time you brought it to me (I remember the prologue being both longer and filled with more useless information) and now actual conflict, horror and motion is occurring. One thing that I wanted to point out is that you seem to be misestimating the size of the balloon in question, as you make it seem like it’s the sort of thing you can store in a room or an office and just carry around. If the show is any guide, the basket can easily carry 3-4 ponies and thus it would be quite a bulky thing to carry around, I wouldn’t be surprised if they couldn’t even fit it into a house (they probably wouldn’t be able to). This might seem a like a little thing really, but when a person reads a story he must be able to construct in his mine all object you describe and right now the basket isn’t big enough to be the same balloon of the show. The rest in evolving in a reasonable manner, although now that in fact there is a death chamber I’m concern where this is going and Celestia’s warning is sound more ominous than concerned now. I hope you have done so on purpose.

And that’s all I got, hope you found that helpful.
>> No. 40940
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>>39098

TL;DR: This… needs a lot of work. The actions don’t make sense, the writing is mostly poor and I’m afraid nothing short of a complete rewrite and replanning will make this story rise up from the hole it has dug itself into.

>Done to the rhythm of Take Me Away(Fantastic Plastic Machine).

You have quite a couple of systemic issues in here:

Punctuation:
> Dash blushed “Hehe, glad somepony notices how great I am.”

> Celestia chuckled “No child, you didn’t cause this. I brought you here because I want you to be the first to enter this uncharted territory and record your findings…”
>“Ponypock” Twilight corrected.
Which are missing commas, periods and the whole other plethora of punctuation marks in a large numbers of sentence. But this is only the dialogue.

> No pony has ventured in yet, our research teams have been analyzing the vicinity for 48 hours now, yet haven’t found a single source of life.”
See that comma after yet? Do a little experiment here and change that comma for a period. Noticed how that still works? There is a reason for that, those two clauses are complete clause (sentences which do not require another sentence to expand upon what is being said for the reader to understand them) and thus can’t be joined by a comma. If you truly need to show a direct connection between them like this a semicolon would be the better, if not only, choice.

Multiple errors of this sort in the punctuation with wrong commas, wrong semicolons or just outright missing things are prevalent throughout the whole text. Look up punctuation rules and fix those mistakes.

Passive rather than active verbs:
> Twilight was baffled with what she was hearing, she had read many novels about finding mysterious new lands, but never had she thought she’d see one.
> She was checking the suits storage pockets.
What is a passive verb? Whenever the subject active as a passive object while an action occurs. Both of this cases (but not the only ones) you make the subject be acted upon rather than have it be the subject do the action (the subject of the first isn’t twilight, it’s what she heard; the subject of the second isn’t she, it’s the suit) and thus it weakens your sentences. The appropriate wording would be “she heard” and “She checked the suit’s” as it makes it active. But this brings us to a another problem.

Possesion and apostrophes:

> She was checking the suits storage pockets.
> Twilight let out a small laugh, Pinkie had brightened everyponies mood when all she could do was watch.
Whenever you write, apostrophes makes a world of difference; it could mean the difference between the suit’s pockets (pockets that a suit has) and a pockets to store suits (suits storage pockets) and you seem to disregard such distinction quite often, hell, the apostrophe that were used ware mostly incorrect to begin with.

> The manual says that those flank pockets are called Ponypock’s.
That apostrophe there means that the pockets are called the property of Ponypock, which I’m still trying to wrap my head around what could that possibly mean. In short, you need to start using apostrophes for things other than contractions correctly my friend.

Then, there is the homophone (their/there, too/to/two, your/you’re, etc.) issue that is rampant across the whole thing. Here are only a couple of examples:
> With that Celestia flew off towards the sun, disappearing into it’s bright glow.
Its
>“If you don’t want to stay, your welcome to return home.
You’re
> What Twilight bore witness two was more than she could have ever imagined, before her were ancient structures for as far as the eye could see.
To
See that? fix that.

Additionally, you seem to have various instances of words which, frankly, do nothing but take up space.

> Celestia’s horn glowed as she levitated Twilight up above the ground, making the dust magically fall off, restoring Twilight from her disheveled state.
This provides a good example of both types of this errors. Tell me something, if I were to levitate something above the ground, where did I levitate it towards to? Up? Good, because that means that it’s unnecessary and thus can be eliminated (as can many similar situation where you just need to ask yourself the question “huh, are all the fact necessary for the reader to build a mental picture? Can I assume he will be intelligent enough to figure it out?”) so that there are less words in the sentence. Less normally equals more in terms of writings so eliminate them. That being said, why you have Twilight twice in the same sentence? You didn’t change subject throughout the sentence and thus mention Twilight again is superfluous, we know it’s Twilight. Keep an eye out for this sort of thing.

Of course, there is just the random capitalization of things, the first one and the one that hit hardest:

> The black suited Steeds were as unmoving as statues.
Whys is steed capitalized? I believe the problem with that should be self-evident.

Other problems are present but I am no editor, an editor will help you with those, I won’t.

As for the story goes, the premise seems to be: sent the six to a new mysterious land not seen for generations. This is actually quite an interesting premise, but the problem is the story currently reads:
>Step 1: Kindap Twilight while bringing her friends normally. Also, sex changing ponies (steeds to mares).
What? No seriously, what? This is her number one pupil, almost a daughter, and she decides the best way to get her to do something is kidnap her and bring her to the site? Considering she could tell Twilight to go to the Everfree forest blinded or go fight a dragon and she would comply I really don’t think this would work. Now, as far as her friends being brought more normally rather than being told in a group also doesn’t sound like a normal (or logical) procedure. You might want to rethink that.

>Step 2: Give them the mission to search new mystery city because the other explorers smuggle the place. Also, bunch of agent ponies? And
Less what but still, I see no reason they would be a good crew rather than just sending real archeologist, not tomb raiders. Now, if twilight had discovered it then that sort of thing would make sense. Hell, if it was just that Celestia had a group of archeologist and some sort of magical or records building she would want the most capable unicorn in existence to look at I would find this sort of thing believable or prudent, but sending six ponies with no experience into danger for the sake of research seems a bit… dumb?

>Step 3: Jump immediately to the next day on the very next paragraph without no separation.
Temporal whiplash, separate it somehow, I suggest a line of these °°°°°°°°°°°.

>Step 4: Bring Angel (because he is bothersome) … but don’t bring Spike (who is actually useful.)
Ok… sure?

>step 5:Power suits.
This… I’m ok with this. Better thread carefully though, you are making them walk around in a movable plot and deus ex generator if you don’t define their skills right away. If you start pulling too many “the suit can do that too” your readers will lose interest and will think you just added the suit so you could dig yourself out of holes, and chances are you will try to dig yourself out of holes with them.

>step 6: heliclopter
No… what is it with people and equine puns? This is unnecessary and quite frankly obnoxious. Additionally, why? The design just… augh… no.

>Step 7: Angels suit.
I’m pretty sure she has left Angel on his own a lot of times without problems, this however seems a little bit too obnoxious from his part.

>Step 8: I just give up.
There is a promise of a good story… the thing is the set-up and many of the events don’t really make too much sense to me as a reader for the reasons explained above on each section. Please use these suggestions to improve your story and comeback when they are done.

And that’s all I got, hope it was helpful.
>> No. 41177
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>>40748

Thank you for the review.

My grammar issues are probably due to the fact that I'm a foreigner. My Dutch grammar is quite different, and I'm used to using that... But I'm glad to see that you think that I've improved since the time that you reviewed my prologue, and I will continue to improve myself based on your advice.

I'm also glad to hear that you find the story interesting and compelling. In hindsight, I have to agree that I definitely underestimated the size of the balloon, but in all honesty I just had to create some filler material before the next part, as I wanted it to start with Twilight's arrival in Canterlot.

As for something else... [Spoiler alert!]
Celestia's omnious warning and Twilight's discovery of the "death chamber" are very much related, and they have been intended to be since the very beginning of my fic. In fact, you may find out why in the next part...
>> No. 41406
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Greetings once again Mr Samurai, it has been quite some time since I finished something, but here something is and I would like to add it to your queue. Although it's not actually finished, the writing (bar suggestions) should be.

Ditzy Doo and the Blustery Day
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sc9MPCoAI36oNSLVNmdGsrGIm_lg-dqTYxl8HF1XF28/edit?hl=en_US

In which Dinky Doo asks her mother to tell her a story.

A homage to, and based on, the Winnie-the-Pooh stories written by A. A. Milne and decorated by E. H. Shepard, along with the Disney animation 'Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day,' which I must have seen a hundred times.

I hope to have done justice to some of my favourite stories.
>> No. 41517
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>>39944

TL;DR: An interesting tale of a very ambiguous nature, pretty much clean in all fronts. Two issues that can be hand-waved are present however, the others are merely cosmetics.

> Review done to the rhythm of Passion, Grace and Fire (Al Di Meola)

Welcome back Nick, I am happy to say you have earned yourself a short review (which again makes the time I take to write these things seem unnecessary… oh well.)

Writing wise, clean is a good for it. Nothing major was found that I could really go on lengths about, so here are some which I did found.

1.) Hours are always supposed to be written rather than expressed in numbers. Why? Very much the same way that you should write out all numbers less than or equal to ten, it’s just a standard writing practice. So instead of 3:00 you should write three, instead of 9:30 it should be nine thirty, instead of 8:07 it should be eight seven and so on and so forth.

2.) Vinyl is its own plural.

3.) Read this and correct the word order.
>I was used to ponies being clingy and wanting to hang around the with me day after…
If you can't see it, what does "around the with" even mean?

4.) Semicolons are your friends, specially if two clauses could exist as their own sentence but you still want to show a more direct linkage.
> Still, it wasn’t that I didn’t have enough money to live somewhere else, it was that I had priorities.

5.) Capitalized she in here, those double hyphens (which I suppose are dashes) have killed the speech and thus you can’t continue from that point on, making it an independent sentence.
>“I don’t care who or what you were with last night, but you need a fucking--” she hesitated before putting it a different way, “You need a shower.”

6.) Maybe is because there is a dangerous amount of drugs clouding everything, but how would Mills have known about the green pony? I reread the part of the DJ-ing and couldn’t find it, specially since you mentioned Crossfade keeps that part secret from the others.
> Part of me wondered if she were jealous of the green pony, but then I remembered that Mills had flat-out turned me down a few months ago.

7.) Colons aren’t semicolons, commas, period or anything of the sort. When not used to make a list, colons should only be used to expand or clarify something else. If I say “I did x:” whatever comes after not only does it need to be related to x, I must stand on its own without x, it must not connect or precede x and it must not be unrelated. If it can stand on its own, you use a semicolon; if I can’t stand on its own but is directly related or is part of an order of events, use a comma; if the phrasing is a separate sentence that deals with the same subject but changes the focus, use a period; finally, if the section is not a complete concept on its own, simply connect it to the rest of the text. So when you use a colon? When I want to add details about a completed notion or I’m about to list options.
> I couldn’t help myself: I let my eyes wander upward to the high, rusted ceilings of the room I was in.
> He was letting me play his venue and I was grateful for that, but fuck him: my night, my business.
> I went over to the kitchen counter and picked up the factory time card with the name of who I used to be: Crossfade: Childish. Stupid. Nobody.
a double colon? That’s… new…
> I hadn’t had a drink since before I showed up at the club: almost five hours ago.

Regardless, this far better written than any other piece you have brought to me (the errors were minimal), it’s well thought out and I must say I love how it developed. The character is left ambiguous, a nice touch, and you seem to have gotten through a good amount of efforts to make sure it stayed that way. The lack of attention to the exact process of DJing was also a good choice, going into too much detail would have killed a good deal of the pacing. Hope you write another “small” piece like this sometime soon, I really enjoyed it.

And that is all I got, hope you got something useful from this.
>> No. 41529
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>>39953

TL;DR: You need to read Elements of Style, get and editor and work on this quite a bit I’m afraid.

I wish I could just point out the errors in the text and that doing so would fix this document. I wish that I could just point out odd things with the story and make it fix. But then I notice that there is so much wrong everywhere I wouldn’t even know where to start.

You miscapitalize many things (not a single I, for example, was capitalize, capitalizing things after dialogue that shouldn’t have been capitalized, just outright random words); some sentence lack the correct punctuation in so many fronts I stopped counting at page 6 (missing periods, commas instead of periods, periods instead of comma’s, missing question marks, question marks instead of periods, periods instead of questions marks, I could go on); you have tense issues everywhere; some of your sentences outright make no sense; you have wrongs words, both wrong in misspelling and wrong as in used incorrectly (some are outright illogical). In short, your writing is so filled with issues nothing short of me sitting down and editing this will I be able to help you. Seeing how I don’t do edits, I refer you to Snarkle should he decide to take the job or simply doing it yourself checking for this sort of mistakes.

As for the story, here is the simplified version:

Act 1:
Twilight is looking for a book which you never specify, sacrificing her sleep in order to do so. Spike wakes up and sees the mess, who then begins reorganizing the others until rainbow dash crashes in and drops them all up. This leads to a second bout of organization and then the finding of the book that allows for the immediate organization of everything. To make Spike feel better she decides to take her

Ok, so far so good. Well, not really, mainly because the book feels like it was just a device to cause the mess and then get a reason to go to Rarity’s house. I hope this scene has something more to give than just this, there is literary nothing to make me care for the story at this point.


Act 2
[b]They are walking towards Rarity’s and suddenly Pinkie Pie appears and does things that go beyond merely breaking laws of physic right into the mask territyory. An odd line recognizing the nature of them as a show. Something akin to hilarity but not actually funny ensues. Twilight is left stumped about Pinkie Pie and decided to contact the princess later about it. [/?]
I’m stumped… in more meanings than one. This all goes back to what I said originally, the scene doesn’t arouse interest and it just makes me wonder if what just happen will have anything to do with the rest of the story. Right now, there is an unknown book that sounds pretty important or maybe not and now Pinkie Pie is capable of shifting reality, making me stop and wonder what in the world is going on. I don’t know what more to say really.

Act 3
They arrive at Rarity’s house, promptly making her into a model because she was the first one that arrived at the door. Promptly dressmaking and a photo shootout follow, some other irrelevant things happen relating to said photo-shoot and then a chat about Rarity’s concern about said designs and why they came (introduce again pinkie pie here).
And thus I have no clue what is this story about. There is no conflict just yet, there is no real question to answer and if they are there they weren’t actually articulated in any I could recognize. In other words, nothing happen here to catch your readers interest and all the points that would have been interesting were presented and then quickly ignored.

This first chapter felt empty and frankly, useless. If a reader were to read this, if he wasn’t put off by the weird writing, he would certainly be put off by the lack of actual events on the first chapter. Nothing happened, nothing which seems important to would catch our interest, no actions have occurred that need resolution, and nothing has been nudged to in order to tell us what this story is about. As such, some fleshing out and maybe a revision of your fic plan might be in order. I apologize for not offering any help, but I don’t have anything to build from here to make my advice be more exact.
>> No. 41545
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>>41517
Thank you Samurai. I went over everything and fixed things, except for points #1 and #6. For #1, I know that it's a bit unorthodox and somewhat breaks the flow of narration to have time like that, but time is a fairly important theme in this story; I want to draw attention to the time rather than have it flow. Particularly, I want to accentuate the time flow when Crossfade's not hating life in the factory.

#6 isn't a problem; paranoia is a side-effect of ecstasy abuse. Besides... Crossfade's boss is being literal when he says, "You smell like fuck." I'll leave that as it its own proof as to how Mills knows part of what happened the night before.

A curious question, though: what gender do you see Crossfade and the green pony as? In your analysis, was there any clues you would lean one way or another? I figure that it's implied they're the same gender, but as you pointed out, I took great strides to not mention what that is.
>> No. 41572
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>>41545
Well, they are basically the two problems I was talking about handwaving (which you did) as they aren't really problems depending upon your reasoning, which you have.

and don't worry, I know my fair share of the effects of E, I just found it odd that Mills would recognize the green pony, but this is a first person so we don't know she knows, just that crossfade would relate to the green pony due to the smell, so my flub

As for the gender of the characters, I just assumed they were female and ran with it, never really stopped to think what gender they were to be honest (in a world with such a bad female to male ratio it's just easier to assume that). Plus, I have yet to see a giant filly, so until further notice, all characters that are significantly smaller than others are either female or infants.
>> No. 41574
>>41572
No flub, good Samurai. You just noticed a subtle detail that SHOULD give some sort of cognitive dissonance to the reader. Mills can't be jealous, the accusation is all in Crossfade's mind.

And cool, someone finally guessed 'female Crosssfade'. As for the main character being female because of being smaller than another pony, I would like to point out Caramel and Big Macintosh... actually, bad example, because Caramel is also both genders (but she wears the hell out of that top hat, and it's adorable).

I will end the discussion on my piece (as it is now taking up too many posts in your thread). I'm glad you enjoyed it, and... yeah, I'm definitely inspired to work on some smaller things instead of, as /co/ so eloquently put it, "Bullshit Length Fics."
>> No. 41619
Honorable Samurai, after looking at your reviews, I feel I had little choice but to post mine with the hope that I may be fortunate enough to experience your mighty verbal swordsmanship.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gTla53uzh2HZn6zN31LbO-V5y41qAFUk_mfM2Z9MPXI/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1#

Many pleadings noble wanderer, I am but a lowly scrub with little direction or experience.
>> No. 41698
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41698
>>41529

First, thanks for the review and sorry for wasting your time.

I will read the Elements of Style and probably read a book or two about grammar and punctuation. Maybe reading your reviews for other stories, can help me as well

Second for the chapter, you are absolutely right, I re-read it and it doesn’t really add anything to the story.

The real story actually starts in chapter two, but that is even worse than this,

Again thanks for the review, and sorry.

I will try and locate those illogical/misused words. I assume this isn’t just a mix-up between your and you’re. Or anything like that.
>> No. 41704
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>>41574
Huh.... well I hope /co/ doesn't become your greatest source of inspiration, anything in 4chan is corrosive to say the very least. Although I will admit I love the community as for how it interacts, anonymity turn wild

>>41698
Don't ever say you wasted my time, mainly because then it means that I really have.

You have a story here that is lacking and I am more than willing to help you improve, thus you haven't wasted my time, you are actually the kind of person that this thread was made for. I can give you suggestions, I can guide you to become a better writer and I can help you make this story shine, but that implies that you don't for a second think that you wasted my time, that you see the types of errors I mentioned and research them so you know the correct way to do things and try to make sure you use the suggestions I make so that your story can actually work.

What does this mean? I expect you to return back with this story rewritten, otherwise I would have truly wasted my time.

So now, come back soon.
>> No. 41713
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>>41704
I will return, I going to write an actual fic plan before i start rewriting.

it will take some time but I will definitely come back,

and well sorry that I said I was wasting your time, i am quite unsure about my writing lately... and for some reason, I have taken some reviews from people for my stories a little too personal, which messed with my self-confidence even more.

Till our paths cross again, samurai Jack
>> No. 41727
Welp, here's my little magnum opus:

"With a Little Help From My Friends."

It's about a retarded musician. That's pretty much all I can say. Ten chapters of slice-of-life sort of stuff, not a whole lot of plot.

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-with-little-help-from-my-friends.html
>> No. 41862
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>>40060
TL;DR: The story is bland, predictable and it almost borders on the dull. The writing is ok, but the events presented carry no weight or connection to each other as to make the gravitas of the events be lost.

Well hello there, let’s see what is cooking.

Writing-wise, this is very clean, nothing too major bother me while reading this and I’m quite happy about that. Here are a couple things.

1. Peagasi is not correct I’m afraid.

2. >“U-um... Rainbow Dash, there's a lot of ponies here... I'm a little uncomfortable.”
There is a lot of ponies is wrong, it’s there are a lot of ponies. Contract accordingly.

3. > The Wonderbolt's eyes narrowed, and Rainbow felt as though all her failings were being laid bare before that intense stare.
> Rainbow Dash insisted they do it on the same day “for a warm-up”, and Fluttershy, too passive to protest, had acquiesced.
The comma after narrowed is unnecessary and brings an unnatural stoppage to the flow of the sentences. This I a direct cause and effect sentence and thus separating them is incorrect (x occur and then y followed rather than x occurred, and it was y.) Likewise, the second sentence suffers from the same thing, the comma before and shouldn’t be there as there a direct cause and effect relationship in there. The commas for the explicatory section in the other hand are correct and necessary.

4. > She knew that she shouldn't worry for Rainbow Dash, but vague worries kept cropping up in her mind.
A good rule to thumb to follow in your writing: If you write a word in a sentence try your best to not reuse it in any of variations (I’m referring to worry and worries) because repeated words unless used effect. You can take a step further and do your best to not reused or mention the same word in the whole paragraph, but that’s just me.

5. >She could've swore she heard a low whistle from the stands.
Because you have a have (contracted) in there, you must make sure that your verbs are not simple verbs but rather with participle. Thus, rather than swore it’s sworn.

6. catapaulting, some day, matronly
I believe you mean catapulting, someday and maternal (I hope at least).

So those are the errors in the writing itself, but you and I both know I’m just beating around the bush. Let’s discuss story.

Bland and predictable are probably the best words I have for this story: nothing that happened here made me at any time have a particular emotional or care for the characters. I mean, I truly didn’t care for Fluttershy being there, hell, she might as well not have been there and just the normal headstrong attitude of RD would have brought her out of her little bout with herself (which would make the whole internal monologue thing make more sense). See, if a character can be so easily eliminate then there is a big problem with how you are using them. What is Fluttershy doing there? Don’t tell supporting Rainbow Dash because you told me that, I’m asking what function does she have there? I didn’t find anything there to actually justify it and even her little motivational talk at the end was more of a drudge than actually essential (my positive x cancels your negative y does results in 0 emotional investment I’m afraid.)

Yet, the problem with this is that whenever we should feel emotionally invested with rainbow dash you immediately pass over those points and then you get nothing out of them. Take for a second her failure to achieve the rainboom and tell me how many lines do you take there? Thirteen lines. Thirteen lines to talk about what probably is going to be one of the most stressful moments of RD life. Thirteen lines to describe how, in that one instant, she felt her stomach collapse on it’s own, fear and anger flowing through her as she reminisce about all the days, weeks, months, years of practice she had put into joining the Wonderbolts. See what I did there? I got into her mind in a climax moment were all seems lost and attempted to force you to think like her, giving you reasons for you to relate to her. You, well, didn’t, ever. All the motions are there, all the right actions and reactions are there, there just isn’t anything for me to say “hey, I can totally understand that” rather than saying “She seems to be acting reasonably, I guess I can’t get angry about that” because you aren’t going enough about why we should care she is like that. Hell, the last section made me see a self-entitled whiner rather than someone crushed by the weight of their self-appointed destiny (a life goal so ingrained in them that they develop all their life around it) mainly because of this in combination with a missing degree of bravado I would expect from her (she might be sad and depressed, but a couple of jabs against the Wonderbolts wouldn’t hurt at all.)

Another issue I notice that, well, there was no point to the story. With that I don’t mean that the story doesn’t move forward, but rather that there appears to be no lessons to be learned by the main character (and thus no lessons for the reader). You took Rainbow Dash, made her do a trick which went beyond normal and then made her reappear rejected by the Wonderbolts. That’s nice and dandy, but why was she rejected again? Unless I read wrong that isn’t brought up at any point, all in favor a scene that can be summarized to: “I suck,” said RD. “No you don’t, just try again,” said Fluttershy. If I know why she got rejected and she works towards fixing that then we might have something we can say we can understand or care about. Hell, if both the reader and her didn’t know why she got rejected, making her have to wonder about her very own personality we might have something. Right now, we get a moping RD and that hardly makes for anyone to say “she learn something and I think I can learn from that”, which should be the aim of you as a writer. When you write a story you must make the reader grow with the character, here, well, there is no growth.

And that’s all I got, hope this was helpful and to see you again. If you believe I wasn’t clear enough about something feel free to ask.

If you wish to discuss my suggestions for your story feel free to look at the bottom of your document for how to contact me so we can discuss it as it might be a bit tricky. Thus, I offer my help so that I might see how well you manage to take the idea and see if any tweaking might be a good idea.
>> No. 41863
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41863
>>40182
TL;DR: Death of the thousand cuts. That is what this story is suffering from, a long series of small errors which are hindering a plot with a great amount of potential.

I will make this short mainly because I will be basically repeating my review which I gave you before in here >>37985.

All issues mentioned there are still present in one way or another, sometimes the very same mistakes I found in the previous version of the text. Admittedly, a good deal was indeed taken out, but the errors are still numerous enough for me to go and say “well done, try again.” You still have odd sentences throughout, you are still ending dialogues with a comma and a quotation mark, miscapitalizations, extra words, weird word order, just outright wrong words and the list goes on. The your problems aren’t systemic as such but rather they are the same kind of wrong but for completely different reason, and what is worse is that they are so numerous they actually might affect the writing but aren’t condense enough for I to elaborate more about what I said before. This was the reason why I need to meet you in your document, as I need to actually show you was wrong while in there, in order for your writing to stop suffering from this very small errors that in combination are bring you fic down.

Plot wise, I repeat again my previous review, this is extremely interesting and you seem to have a notion where you want to take it, which is essential whenever you write anything. Escalation is one of the best manners to drag the reader in you seem to be going to use it to its full extend. Not much more to expand over your other review again, mainly because only 1 event of real importance happened, Twilight got them a ride.

And that is all I got, I hope it was helpful.

PS: My email is [email protected] , please contact me so we can arrange to meet in your document to chat and I to show you what I am talking about.
>> No. 41917
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41917
>>39958

TL;DR: Yes, you should finish it, this is the sort of dark story which haunts your imagination and hits your gut. Leaving it unfinished would be a waste and a shame.

>Done to the rhythm of Changes(Tupac/2pac)

Well then, yes, you should continue it and bring it to an end. Frankly, this is really well written and it seems well thought out.

I am a bit fazed by your abuse of the semicolons as you seem to use them in all sort of circumstance were no punctuation is needed or were a comma, period or colon would actually be a better fit. I mean, about half of all the sentences have a semicolon, averaging 17 per page in 28 page document (rounded down). I mean, here is a small list of instances where the semicolon was used incorrectly (does not include all of them, hell, this does not include that many at all).

> As soon as I opened the door I was met by a crying, blubbering mare; who immediately began to spout incoherencies at me.
That semicolon is not correct because there is a direct correlation between them, it’s a transition, so a comma or no comma would be correct here.

> Ever the gentlecolt; I simply directed her to a chair as I made ready to shower.
Comma, transition yet again.

> She was still in the shower after I had finished; so I settled in to continue my novel and beverage.
I have no clue what that semicolon is doing there, the second sentence can’t really stand on its own in the context of writing.

> She began to make for the door; still hanging her head low.
Explicatory note makes use of commas I’m afraid, the relationship is simply to direct.

> I went about my business as usual that morning; preparing breakfast over coffee and examining the calendar to plan my day.
Here, a colon would be best because it’s an expansion of what you do (business as usual) by telling us what it is (preparing breakfast and looking at the calendar.)

> My mouth practically watered at this; a game of cat-and-mouse, perhaps?
There is not enough thematic correlation for this to be a semicolon. One is defined action (mouth watering). The other is yet another different action (thinking what I will be about). Thus, separate sentence, ergo, a period.

> As much as it shames to admit it; for a moment I considered throwing her out, and returning to my lifestyle.
Double error. Semicolon yet again is not the right piece for the job but neither is that comma. Here you have two clauses, one strong and one weak. Now, what does that mean? It means that you just need a comma instead of the semicolon and the second comma doesn’t do anything useful. How do I know this? If I were to eliminate the first section of the sentence the second could stand on its own, but not so with the first. Thus, this immediately rules out a semicolon or a period, leaving you with a comma.

> As word spread that I had taken in Applejack; I began to realize how potentially dangerous this slip could be.
Again, why you put a semicolon there? You don’t even need a comma.

> To tell the truth; I had been avoiding the point for a while now
Same weak clause-strong clause thing I mentioned before.

> Applejack's mumbled reply cut my train of though short; "Yeah, somethin' to do with him."
A piece of dialogue directly connected to an action? That requires a comma. Even if there is no said/told/screamed/moaned/shrieked/etc. there, the fact is her dialogue was the action that cut it short and thus is directly connect to it, just like if you have had written that she said it.

And I could continue but where is the fun in that? You need to reel in the semicolons and start using the other punctuation marks or otherwise you will have all sort of unnatural pauses like the ones above. Friendly advice.

Other things wrong:

Lie/lay/laying/etc., look up the rules for them.

Any more is anymore; there is a difference in meaning, trust me.

You have a double period in there, fix that.

> I could here the bustle from the library
Read that and fix it.

> he decided to cut his loses;
Losses, loses is a verb.

>Overherd
If it was an honest mistake, fixed it. If not; no, just no.

> Applejack's mumbled reply cut my train of though short; "Yeah, somethin' to do with him."
Hey, this appears again. Though rather than thought. Fix it.

Now, as far as the story goes, this has the nuances of a psychological thriller done right. I must say you have the character well, brought out the events in the right order and in general there is nothing to speak ill about here. Your story is sick and wrong, the two reasons why I love to read more and find out how it finishes (as will most of your readership.) If I’m reading the signs correctly this has no way to end well, even if indeed Intrigue is capture at the end (and my muse is telling me his isn’t). It will be interesting to see Applejack cope with that little gift from him and what will ever happen on the long run, although there is plenty of space for this to turn out more positive… but again if I’m reading your intentions correctly you never wanted to do that. Thus, in name of everyone else, I kindly request you finish this story and post it on EqD, I’m sure they could get some dark which doesn’t base itself on everything killing everyone but rather the implication of them, which makes it ever so more terrifying. In a way, I feel sad for Applejack, so my friend, you have succeeded.

And that’s all I got, hope it was helpful.
>> No. 41929
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41929
>>41917

Ooh, this is a meaty review. Let me sink into this for a second.
_______________________________________

TL;DR: Yes, you should finish it, this is the sort of dark story which haunts your imagination and hits your gut. Leaving it unfinished would be a waste and a shame.

>Done to the rhythm of Changes(Tupac/2pac)

Well then, yes, you should continue it and bring it to an end. Frankly, this is really well written and it seems well thought out.

>;
I'll see what I can do - semicolons are a really strong habit for me. I should be able to give it a strong edit either way.

Other things wrong:

Lie/lay/laying/etc., look up the rules for them.

>Any more is anymore; there is a difference in meaning, trust me.
Is there? I'll have to find them.

>You have a double period in there, fix that.
That's... specific. I guess I'll find it during my edit.

> I could here the bustle from the library
Okay, that's embarassing. I try to take pride in knowing my homophones.

>Overherd
THAT used to be a wordfilter (heard -> herd). It might still be one, just like main -> mane. Imagine my surprise when all instances of maintain became manetain.

> Applejack's mumbled reply cut my train of thought short; "Yeah, somethin' to do with him."
> he decided to cut his loses;
Missing letters? Not too surprising, this story was rather rushed in places. Just something else to watch for in the edit.

>Now, as far as the story goes, this has the nuances of a psychological thriller done right. I must say you have the character well, brought out the events in the right order and in general there is nothing to speak ill about here. Your story is sick and wrong, the two reasons why I love to read more and find out how it finishes (as will most of your readership.) If I’m reading the signs correctly this has no way to end well, even if indeed Intrigue is capture at the end (and my muse is telling me his isn’t). It will be interesting to see Applejack cope with that little gift from him and what will ever happen on the long run, although there is plenty of space for this to turn out more positive… but again if I’m reading your intentions correctly you never wanted to do that. Thus, in name of everyone else, I kindly request you finish this story and post it on EqD, I’m sure they could get some dark which doesn’t base itself on everything killing everyone but rather the implication of them, which makes it ever so more terrifying. In a way, I feel sad for Applejack, so my friend, you have succeeded.

That, friend, depends on what you find "sad". I personally think "bittersweet" is a better word for what I have in mind; I guess I'll just have to let you know when I finish it.
>> No. 41984
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41984
>Kegisak, I am almost done with you fic, your review should arrive within the next 2-3 days at most.

>>41713
Nice to know my friend. Godspeed.

>>41727
Be at peace my friend, I'm merely a mask amongst reviewers, I am certain they are as intimidating or not as myself.

>>41929
Very well, I will be very interested if you can manage to make an ending which I would consider bittersweet. Hope all goes well to you my brother and that you are able to finish this magnificent tale.
>> No. 42010
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17DKyjiu9Zgr0tac8wvayihBQtXgGZP9500JM2I1cbvU/edit?hl=en_GB

Hello, I was directed to you when I posted my story in the Fanfic threads. I ask if you would please review for me, even though this is the first chapter.

It is a Crossover Shipping Adventure, the cross is Final Fantasy XIII, and I would highly appreciate if you could review this. If needed here is a link to my original thread where I posted my story. Thank you for your time.

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/40974.html#i40974
>> No. 42077
>>41984


ah, wonderful, thank you. I know it's a pretty big thing to work on, so thank you again for giving it your time.
>> No. 42108
I don't know if my first thing got through to you so im sending this. EqD said for me to have more people edit my story first so I am sending it to you.
PS- Since im working on it ATM i will be editing it and adding new things while you review.
link is here. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7292147/1/Friendship_is_an_illusion
>> No. 42118
>>42108
Please look at the rules of this thread. The Samurai doesn't edit unless he wants to, he "merely" reviews what is there.
>"merely" implying that it's not an amazingly detailed, in-depth process

Also, from what I gather, he grabs the document, prints it, and then does a lot of his reading away from a computer. He also rearranges the text in a copy of the document, so basically, you should only submit the work that you want reviewed as it is.
>> No. 42144
As per your invitation, my apologies that it has taken time to post here, I have been offline for a few days. Your reputation precedes you, and I patiently await your review.

A Tangled Web, Volume One

(EqD link, if you have any interest in the description/tags)

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/08/story-tangled-web.html

The story:

Prologue + Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pLEM7vwNmI2Xtgchxm4AiTkphMQDCAcYGq6EKGcR1-A/edit?hl=en&authkey=CM2istgK#

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wuC3KhDTO0nf19oOf6Slenh3DNE-xkatZDhHgv_Ozvw/edit?hl=en_US


Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HU-S0vZ8xnIFlt_ca0Y2DG72i83AosC83EAQz1hsMNg/edit?hl=en_US


Thank you kindly for your time and efforts, I know you are very busy. The invite is highly appreciated.
>> No. 42181
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42181
>>42108
>>42118
I'm afraid he is correct, I normally save the stories presented 1 or 2 days after they have been presented and use my save copy rather than someone on the web.
I take WIP, but under the understanding that none of the changes you make later will be evaluated or even considered, only that snapshot of the story is worth it.

Additionally, any and all calls for editing will be met with a permanent prohibition of it. Thus, don't ask me to edit, I shall come and ask you if you want me to edit.
>> No. 42530
As promised, here's my latest. It's shipping except for the part where it isn't based around the lyrics of a song, and all that info's in the post as usual. Thanks again for all your help!

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/42332.html
>> No. 42554
I humbly accept your offer and link here the first chapter of pink eyes. there are other 2 chaps but they didn't get an editor, so I had to do it myself and I'm not even motherlanguage so if you don't want to go trough them I'll blame just myself.

Here's the link to chap 1, the other are linked at the end of the previous chap.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BFXFvkhcBln3BrsOAjF3KERPgx7GwdbJh9MP264T_MI/edit?hl=en_US#
>> No. 42599
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42599
Thought you might like this for your collection, even if you want to crop it.
>> No. 42952
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42952
Great Samurai, I present to you Chapter Two of the now renamed PonyNoir. From now on, the story will be known as "Equestria Noir - A Neo-Noire Tale"

I post both because I seek your expertise, and because you requested I keep you updated on the story.

Chapter Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SxO14QC-X6PJ96-HsJmfbOb3ZIeUwMyjn6o_WwseqIE/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 43008
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43008
>>40642

TL;DR: This story is clean stuff (minor things here and there that need to be fixed) as the only thing I found that was systemic was the constant capitalization errors in the dialogues. As for the story: blank flank town+Tack+fail Caramel= an amazing story that should be presented to EqD.

Hello there welcome to your review, hope you find what you are looking for (and I apologize for the short length.)

Well then, let’s talk about your writing. Being such a large document, the errors I found really scattered except one in particular, so instead I list them, put up a couple of examples and let you deal with the rest (I have a no edit rule).
1.Periods instead of commas, missing quotation marks, missing commas, commas instead of semicolons, extra commas, misplaced commas, etc. In general, just tiny mistakes with the usage of your punctuation in both dialogues and just normal punctuation. Such as:
>“I don’t.” Powder said matter-of-factly. “I can’t afford to. How’s the back?”
Ehmm… period instead of comma on one side or maybe both.

>“Keeping my spirits up, helps keep everypony else’s spirits down here,” She said.
What is that comma doing there? The pause does nothing. It’s not like those two are coordinated clauses, they are all part of a single cause and effect line of action (one occurs because of the other) thus making the comma superfluous.

>“Well, it looks like you made a friend,” Powder commented as she approached, “I think that was the cobbler’s daughter.
There is a missing quotation mark here, not putting it joins his speech with caramels, which is just wrong. Not the only instance.

> It lay as much in the hooves of lady luck as it did in his or Powder’s, and all he could do was hope that Tack’s father was open-minded.
or Powder’s is an interjectionm, an add on which is not need to make the sentence make sense. Thus, comma on both sides.

> She still thought she would have to back to cobbling, and unless she could get around that, Caramel feared, she would never get it.
Clunky commas are clunky. As a rule of thumb, unless the gods forbid it or it makes for some interesting structure, do not use more than 2 commas per sentence. Now, there is a simple way to fix this, move the comma after and and then eliminate the second comma after that and it’s fixed.

>“Every weekend,” He said, “Just like I promised. Powder smiled back at him, and Tack bounded up to the pair.
Missing quotation marks.

>“What?” Caramel asked, confused by Jute’s sudden change in demeanor - at least, until Cocoa swayed across the floor to him.”
Extra quotation mark.

2. Oddly order or unnecessary sentences.
>…Applejack continued,
>“But when Ah ask y’t’do something, Ah want y’t’do it. Y’gotta focus, okay?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
> The two ponies chuckled, and Powder said,
>“You ask too many questions. I’ve been talking your ear off for two days, it’s your turn. Tell me about yourself.”

Why is there a jump between these? Or rather, why is there a comma after continued? Either join this two into a single sentence or exchange that comma for a period (or better yet, eliminate them and just put that after the actual dialogue.)

>“I’m trying to!” Caramel insisted, “I am! I’m sorry, I just...” He trailed off, and Applejack rubbed her eyes.
It’s obvious that you trailed off, that’s the point of the ellipsis, had he simple stopped the correct thing would a dash, but because he did in fact trail off there is no need for that piece of information, it’s obvious from the punctuation.

>
3. your capitalization, particularly dialogues, fails you at times.
>“Yeah,” Caramel sighed, “Okay.” he turned away as Applejack stomped off, muttering to herself, and slunk to Sweet Apple Acres’ barn.
Why isn’t he capitalized? It’s the beginning of sentence. Similar errors don really abound but are there.

>“So,” She said, still clearly having trouble with the concept, “Is it like...having no chores, except all the time?”
And here is the true place where your capitalization suffers, you dialogue are plaque with capitalization of non-proper nouns as if you had started a sentence after that comma and then you capitalized again even when that second part of the speech is part of the first (after all, you put a comma rather than a period) thus meaning that both sections are essentially the same sentence. You do this everywhere, capitalizing incorrectly just about every single time. Fix it.

>“that’s what I’m worried about,” Jute smirked
A rarer error, but some words are left uncapitalized for some reason like this instance.

4. Assorted errors.
> There’s worse things for a young colt to do.”
“There is” is singular, “there are” is plural. Their contractions follow the same rules.

> His answer came in the form of a little yellow head, with a white mane, that peeked it’s head around the door.
Its rather than it’s here, keep an eye out for this.

>… you do as your told, and you don’t complain…
Your =/= you’re. Read again and change them.

> I breath
Breath is not verb, but breathe is.

Storywise, I only have one thing to say: love every single second of reading it and I could just see tack running around (I have niece who is just like that). I didn’t find any problems, no real issues to speak of, nothing that made me say, “That is unrealistic and you should remove or change it.” All part were timed correctly, everything was set up correctly, everything worked. Good job (and I don't say that often.)

And that is all I got, hope you found this useful.
>> No. 43072
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43072
This is a human and pony story. There's alot of them out there but there's also a lot of other fics aswell.

I've written two chapters so far. The first has been proof read and reviewed ( hopefully all of the mistakes have been changed) but I've only just finished the 2nd.

Here's the links

Chapter 1 -

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VzBXcbQrt3PlaBT_7ofAH7C7Y8H7qWYUCubWUHAzQ5Q/edit?hl=en_GB

Chapter 2 -

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OCXEZrXVWmVaT9XUbedy8xCKEXk6Uj6E9Wy_YHHKWfo/edit

The previous reviewer noted that I have a problem for run on sentences. Hopefully I've addressed them in the 2nd chapter.
>> No. 43075
Hey, Samurai. I've got a couple of rough draft, early chapters of a story I'm thinking of writing, but also a part that I thought would just be fun to write, even though it would come much later in the actual story (and I think it's a bit more interesting). I hope you don't mind Pastebin.

Chapter 1: http://pastebin.com/0ay9q204

Chapter 2: http://pastebin.com/BASTueaF

Chapter 3: http://pastebin.com/8ceTySmi

Other part: http://pastebin.com/D1V1nc2U

Thanks for your time.
>> No. 43137
>>43008

Thank you very much for the review, Samurai.

What you mentioned, my punctuation and my capitalization, are easily my two worst habits when it comes to writing - definitely things I will continue to work on in the future. I'm glad to hear that the plot all came out in order, and I'm truly, deeply honoured that you enjoyed it so much. I'll edit it tonight, and send it in to EqD before I go to bed.

Again, thank you very much.
>> No. 43140
Was wondering if you could review my fanfic.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cRxIRka2BxYD2dFhP4O2k4L1R-GlGckkVRT1x8T9rMg/edit?hl=sv

Tell me everything from good to bad and every mistake i make please.
>> No. 43518
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43518
>>41406
TL;DR: Short, childish and nice. In all due seriousness, this could actually be child story.

Hello again and sorry for the delays, here is your review.

I hate making short reviews (something you will find as common theme in my reviews) but I’m afraid I have nothing to offer but cosmetic corrections to this fancy little tale.

1.Mr Breezy
There needs to be a period there.

2.> She stepped carefully around where the carrots had been planted because she knew that plants live in beds and it would have been rude to wake them.
I would suggest some commas in here as the sentence is a bit… full. Putting a comma after planted and one after bed would give a little more pacing to the whole thing (a thing children books do) and make it a bit easier to say in one go.

3. >“Lets pretend I'm not,”
Lets is not the contraction of Let us, add the apostrophe.

4. >Sweetiebelle
I think this is self evident.

5. >she must be be sure
I can’t think a reason for the double be to be intentional.

6. > “Oh no!” cried Twilight, “we've got to save them!” She gestured wildly to her dragon assistant. “Spike cut the rope, we need to go after them.”
Single sentence and two changes. That we’ve needs to be capitalized because it begins technically a new sentence due to the exclamation mark (in general, if not a comma, chances are you will need to capitalized the section of the dialogue.

And thus end my “corrections” (if you can even call them that) from your text, barring anything I might have missed for x or y reason.

The story in the other hand doesn’t really allow for much critique because the concept is as simple as it gets: Derpy tells of a day were a very big storm brewed and finished rescuing the CMC. All other events are merely a set up and thus there isn’t really much to conflict with each other. In general, this is not the next short story of the year, but it wasn’t meant to be to begin with. This is a good children story and is an enjoyable read.

And that’s all I got, hope you found that useful.
>> No. 43522
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43522
>>41619

TL;DR: Punctuation, punctuation, Punctuation. And a story that made me go into a tirade of help rather than insults. That's a good thing.

Greetings and welcome to my thread, I hope that you find what you are looking for.

As always, I like to start with people writing because they are truly the first opening to your work; if the piece is unreadable them no matter how deep your themes no one is going to read it. I can happily say though that you have not too much to concern yourself about, at least from what I read.

Your dialogue punctuation
>"Hey now, you make it sound like a bad thing that you get to wake up at nearly midnight to trounce about a dusty old castle with the best journalism pony ever." Ink Blot said, raising his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.
>"Bah." Lens Flare sneered comically. "Sleep is for the dead and uncaffinated. Besides I have to be here extra early if I expect the incantation to work smoothly and properly."
For starters, there is never a period between the speech verb (said, screamed, sneered, giggled, etc.) unless you want to make sure that verb is separate from speech. Now, as written, this is saying she said that (in an undefined tone without context) then proceed to sneer and then said the other section. If that is all part of one action, those period need to become commas. Regardless, in all situation where there is diaoluge you put a comma before the ending quotation mark (exceptions are done when you use exclamation or questions marks, but I digress.) You have quite a lot of examples for this error, so go and fix them. These are just two.

>"Oh, hey!" He added. "You haven't shown me where we're set up."
Never, ever, capitalized un-proper nouns in dialogue. A name? yes. A title? Yes. He/she, etc.? No. Other words other than the ones I said you should capitalize? No.

Basic Punctuation errors (not necessarily connected to speech.)
> And that's right, you were a photographer there huh?"
Generally speaking, onomatopias are either separated from the text or separated by commas. In this case, the correct thing would be to add a comma after there to separate that from the rest. Apply accordingly.

> I never got to audition, they closed it for the rest of the day.
> He saw her thirst for frontier, her brash impatience, he saw her silent frustrations and scarred resilience.
Let me introduce you to my little friend, the semicolon. The semicolon has a very specific purpose, joining together two strong clauses in such a manner that allows the reader to connect both concept while still being capable of being separate. In other words, if two sections of sentence could be sentence on their own but you desire to connect because they deal with the same axiom, you use a semicolon. In here, you have examples of a perfect places to use them and, well, rules demand that you actually do, otherwise you have what it’s called a comma splice and that’s an actual error.

> Ink Blot peered over his menu at the pony speaking, the blue pegasus had boldly moved into the seat opposite Ink Blot.
These are two completely separate sentences, so much so I wouldn’t even agree with exchanging that with a semicolon. At the end it is your choice; I would change it to a period.

> He had never had the need to, the royal guard, while always present in most situations had also been largely unobtrusive, the stony-faced white pegasi always maintaining some sort of watchful silent vigil over the city streets without ever really being in the city streets.
Apply all I have spoken about to this one, right now it’s a mess of commas and overly long sentences.

The participles to reduce the verb overload
> Lens Flare's smile widened slightly, and she blushed just a little.
>He had a glimpse of everything that made her who she was, and then consciousness latched back on to the situation, and pinballed him back to the realm where time moved forward.
In this situation, it’s not technically an error but rather a subpar choice. It’s good to think of verbs in terms of ranks as it allows you to choose the better and less ambiguous wording that you might find. In this particular case, try changing and she blushed for blushing and tell me how it reads. The difference you might see, apart from the fact you have eliminated two words, is that now the fact that she blushed ranks lower than the fact she smiled and makes them contiguous rather than laddered. If left on it’s own devices you are left to wonder, when did she blush? As she was smiling? Just after she smiled? A point far into the future after she smiled? By making it a participle you are actually increasing clarity and reducing the number of verbs in the sentence.
In general, less amount of is better in writing and it’s no different here. I placed the second sentence there for you to see where it can be applied to and not forget about this in the future.

Thoughts
> Let's just get back to work, he thought, picking up his pace.
> I have a piece to write, and let's focus on that, disregarding any occurrences in the moment and just thinking forward to the article.
Thoughts must have some sort of identifying feature within the text (italics, quotation marks and italics, etc.) so that they are distinguished as thoughts. You can write the thoughts in prose if you so desire, but actually writing them out like if they were “mental speech” and not differentiating them is an error that you must fix.

[u]Assorted things[u]
> you said there was two major
Was= singular, were= plural. Please remember that.

> facial ticks.
Close but no dice. A tick is either a small annoying arachnid that or it’s a sharp sound. Tics in the other hand are spams.
>> No. 43523
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43523
>>41619

continued:
>>43522

As for the story, nothing has really happened so I can’t help you too much there, but I do have three issues I want to bring up.

Oh yeah, by the way

When you are making a story, there is the notion of organic development. If your character will become a killer god of immense power you just don’t mentioned in the fly that some people can become killer gods of immense power. So what does that mean? Any and all events, foreshadowing, actions, implied actions, speech, etc. must arise naturally from the setting they are in. Why do I bring this up?

> She giggled, before changing the subject completely. "Hey, Ink Blot?"

I had considered calling this weak storytelling, but then I scolded myself because that is both unfair and unnecessarily condescending. The fact still stands: there is no reason to do this. You have two characters, who have known each other very much, are clearly very confident around each other and at some level care for each other (to what degree is not something I can establish right now, but I think it’s a bit more than just weekend friends). What does this mean? Rather than simply making her change subject so suddenly and clearly breaking the previous conversation, why not make it arise naturally from speech? They are in the castle; they both know each other’s work; they are frank and mocking to each other.

From that I can even imagine the conversation right now: She says that there was no academy, he responds by embracing and mocking himself, she proceeds to counter his mocking by bringing back up old stories that were good, his retort involves that not mattering because he is bad now (which establishes his “loser” status and foreshadows his problems with Press Pass), she encourage him further and then remember his story of the castle, proceed like before, make the interruption be more sudden (midsentence when she is going to talk about the pictures). Stop, cut and print. You developed the characters, established the existence of the room and made it organic.

We can stop alo-

What is a cliffhanger? It’s the stoppage of the story in a moment of suspense, the next set of event being hinted but their possible developments kept ambiguous. People try to pull this off all the time and most of the times they do succeed in leaving people in suspnses… and then people forgetting about the story completely. Why do some people succeed and some fail? Because those that succeed are not stopping a line of development before it’s done, all the setup have been resolved and when the cliffhanger occurs the story could go anywhere based upon where you last ended. Now, what does this mean? As far as a chapter is concern, you can’t leave relevant threads of information hanging unless they are somehow separate from the crisis at hand.

If I am making a story about a policeman with a shady past who has problems with his daughter, his partner is missing and his wife turns out to be a transex who fake his pregnancy and got another women to do it for him (he was always working and didn’t actually go to the birth) and I want the cliffhanger of the first chapter be a gay activist he doesn’t know pointing a gun at him, what do I do? The other parts of the story are still there, resolving them so soon would certainly make for a dull read, but I just told you that there must be some sort of resolution within said chapter. What do I do? I breakdown the overbreaing plot into smaller pieces and resolve them.

My daughter and I have problems? Start and resolve (aka make the father fail) a problem between the daughter and dad. His partner is missing? Introduce the problem, give him some clues to find it them and then exhaust the first leads. His wife is a transsex? Start a line about an affair with her gynecologist and resolved by showing that said gynecologist doesn’t exist. Have the problems resolved? No. Have components of the problems being resolved? Yes. Then you slap the reader with a cliffhanger to introduce further segments of said problems and add new ones to boot. The cliffhanger then serves its purpose: you haven’t distracted the reader by adding more problems rather than resolving part of the others, but are adding another layer to the whole story.

Considering this, what sort of issue have you solved within you text? Consider this when dealing with you cliffhanger. Want to make it more effective? Developed the running away scene a bit further, showing it as an actual victory rather than a set up. Make him feel like he has won, the actual only clue being Pass’ reaction to his arrival. Only he would know of Celestia and when he actually enters his room and sees here there you would have quite a cliffhanger at your hands. Just remember, good cliffhangers occur after something has been resolved or looks resolved.

This is not the celestia you are looking for

This going to be short but important. Tyrant Celesita is close to being a cliché and doing so carelessly will certainly, and unnecessarily, doom your story. I can’t actually say much about Celestia at this point, but I will say that she is sounding more like Joseph Stalin and the KGV (how in the world did she hear about the ‘joke’ paper?) than the calmer and nice Celestia that appears to be in the show (and is rarely shown outside of it). Just a friendly heads up so you don’t take this somewhere you will not be able to drag it out from.

And that’s all I got, I hope you found this helpful.
>> No. 43524
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43524
Here are all the reviews I have done, feel free to peruse through them to see what I’m more or less about and how many times I have done this.

Review count: 85 reviews

¬ HoRS: Part 1 MalarkyInTheGalaxy: >>43522 - >>43523 / ¬ Ditzy Doo and the Blustery Day uSea: >>43518 / ¬ Patchwork Kegisak: >>43008 / ¬ Unchivalrous Conduct LouisCyphre: >>41917 / ¬ Equestrian Winter Bucko: >>41863 ¬ Try, try again Vimbert: >>41862 / ¬ Switching Hoofs onej6: >>41529 / ¬ Two Beats NickNack: >>41517 / ¬ Bronyville Rainbowdaps: >>40940 / ¬ How Friends May Fall Ebon Topaz: >>40748 / ¬ Losing Ground Quinch: >>36524 / ¬ Fluttershy Goes to Hell Present Perfect: >>38957 / ¬ Eternal Winter Bucko: >>37985 / ¬ FoE:PH Ch.2 Somber: >>37984 / ¬ Trixie's Pet Ch.1 StoryBirth: >>38307 / ¬ Third Party PonySoldier: >>37981 / ¬ Fo:E Project Horizons Ch.1 Somber: >>36451 / ¬ Fallout and Ashes Prog-2 Ashheart: >>36291 - >>36292 / ¬ Story with Occassional Editor Lightsideluc: >>36222 / ¬ PonyNoir Chapter 1 Garnot: >>34972 - >>34974 / ¬Four Days to Neighrobi Zinger Rimshot: >>33573 / ¬SDEF Prologue Review NickNack: >>33566 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS take 2 Chaos Nux: >>32359 / ¬Storms On the Horizon: Book 1 Ch. 1 Eeveexpert: >>32176 / ¬Honestly PresentPerfect: >>32061 / ¬One Last Party Favor AnonPinkie: >>31650 / ¬Assorted Tales Anon: >>31639 / ¬SIE PaxImbrium: >>31385 / ¬Lost in the Crowd SyrinKitty: >>31368 / ¬Pony Effect Grif: >>31050 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel(revision1) NickNack: >>29993 / ¬A Broken Bond Rated-R PonyStar: >>29979 - >>29981 / ¬Pinkie Pie and Nothing More PresentPerfect: >>29977 / ¬Arddun Lleaud Pride: >>29974 - >>29975 / ¬Bricks Ch4-5 ThePower: >>29415 / ¬O4 Lightsideluc: >>29411 / ¬Closer To Heaven Garnot: >>29402 / ¬Emotional Warfare IronPony: >>28462 / ¬Aftermath groovymann: >>28460 / ¬Dot Dot Dot Bannhammer: >>28459 / ¬Singing to the Moon uSea: >>28456 / ¬The Elements of Awesomery PresentPerfect: >>28261 / ¬An Azure Future Krass McWriter: >>27350 - >>27352 / ¬Cooking Floor Pt1 Starberry Burst: >>27347 / ¬Divergence Seattle_Lite: >>27344 / ¬RDBCNTH FireEsper: >>27342 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Chapter II Stormchaser: >>27340 / ¬The Art of Cooking Grif: >>27338 / ¬Friendship is Tragic Vermillon Kagamin: >>27337 / ¬Carousel Vanner: >>25998 / ¬Two Seasons TwilightSnarkle: >>25997 / ¬PonyNoir-Prologue Garnot : >>25995 / ¬The Kindness of Strangers Lysis: >>25994 / ¬Naamloos document Ebon Topaz: >>25784 / ¬I won’t see you tonight CoffeGrunt: >>25782 / ¬How Equestria was Made Batsy: >>25780 / ¬Breath-Taking ThePower : >>25779 / ¬Apples, Apples, Apples Anon: >>25778 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS Chaos Nux: >>25776 / ¬Equines and Exalts (prolougue and Ch. 1) DorianCreed: >>25328 / ¬Paries Transmuto Ch1 Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>24558 / ¬Masquerade! KidNeo: >>24554 / ¬Twilight Rhapsody Lady Luna: >>24542 / ¬I just want to Fly Dragnauv: >>24534 / ¬A Good Host N.K.: >>24515 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel Nick.Nack: >>22975 - >>22976 / ¬Vermächtnis Suche, Prologue Nick.Nack: >>22205 / ¬I Just Want To Fly Dragnauv: >>21909 / ¬Enemy Mine Everything Man: >>21425 / ¬Stargazing PanDotthast: >>21333 / ¬MLP The Hangover Lucki Poni: >>21332 / ¬Android R1NGmasterJ5: >>20964 / ¬Day of Foals Squeak: >>20960 / ¬Storm Princess MoronSonOfBoron: >>20699 / ¬Brave Heart Methinks: >>20590 / ¬Paries Transmuto: The Society of the Fourth Wall Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>20559 / ¬Division Arcifinious: >>19943 / ¬Loves Games Scribe: >>19740 / ¬*feeler* Rarity Disaster/Romance(>>18112) Desert Rose: >>19392 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Stormchaser: >>19349 / ¬Out of their Element Evilgenius123: >>19166 / ¬In Her Majesty's Royal Service Sagebrush: >>19000 / ¬Right Before Your Eyes PresentPerfect: >>18831 / ¬Helix Aspera StarmanTheta: >>18411 / ¬Maverick Lightsideluc: >>18130
>> No. 43559
>>43518
Thank you for the review and corrections Mr. Samurai, they and any others I spot now that I've had time for my brain to stop reading its own version of the story, shall be fixed.

You'd think at some point I'd remember that Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom's names are two words; when I went back to correct myself it looks like one slipped through.

Thanks again, much appreciated.
>> No. 43758
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43758
>>42010

TL;DR: You have various writing problems, the biggest amongst which are repetition, mechanize writing and in general dull descriptors. As for the story, it’s a whirlwind of events which make no sense within the context of the show, are ambiguous in nature and in general make you wonder what is this all about (in an ambiguous way for now, if it’s a good way or a bad one will depend completely on how you write it out.)

Greetings and welcome to my review thread, let’s see what you are cooking.
Disclaimer: I am not verse in the world of Fabula Nova Crystallis Final Fantasy and my limited knowledge has come from reading as much as I can about said world.

Like always, let’s start with your writing.

Ok, we have a couple of issues here.

You have it’s/its confusion in the text, something which should be fix by simply writing all contractions as complete words and then coming back and changing them to contractions I you so desire. For now, go find the errors.

Your dialogue (and your punctuation in general really) needs look over. Just take a look at this sample sentence:
> All right…tell this to the Princess, she’ll know what we need to do next” he commanded getting a quick “yessir” from the messenger horsan off into the castle.

Right off the bat, yessir should be capitalized as it’s a unique entity of speech. Certainly enough it’s not technically dialogue, but it is still a segment you have added inside, quotation marks and all, and thus must be worked with as a piece of dialogue at least as far as whatever inside the quotation marks are concern. But that’s just a less common error, what I want to bring attention to you is the lack of a comma after next. Whenever you use a speech verb (said, screamed, giggled, proclaimed, spat, etc.) there is a comma involve in the sentence. How does that work? “DIALOGUE,” / SPEECH VERB AND SUPPORTING ACTIONS OR DESCRIPTORS ( , if using next section; . if not using next section) / “DIALOGUE.” Following these simple rules (and remembering that non-comma punctuation marks are exchange for commas within the dialogue) you should be able to correct all your dialogues this way and, trust me, there are a lot of places where this needs to occur.

You have a couple of mishaps with your possessive nouns, where an apostrophe is needed (sisters is not sister’s for example) but one has me bamboozled.
> felt that he needed to watch over the evening shift since he felt this was the most vulnerable time for the Princess’s.

Two things. What is that possessive noun doing there? There is nothing to claim possession as your ordering doesn’t allow for that. Had you written “was the Princess’s most vulnerable time” then the possessive noun would be correct (possessive noun acting upon the object) rather than what you have now (a possessive noun which doesn’t act upon anything) making you sentence be wrong. Now, you could also change that to Princess (or Princesses, because if he only recognizes one princess then that reveals his dislike on one of them) and the sentence also makes sense. Assuming you want to keep the possessive noun for whatever reason (I don’t suggested it) there comes subject two: for all words that end in s, possessive nouns are written by adding just an apostrophe by the end of the last letter rather than adding both and apostrophe and an s. So Princess’s is wrong, it’s Princess’, and thus you must change it accordingly should you decided to keep it. As for the other errors, there are there, look for them and fix them.

Other assorted things:
> Though, something else stuck out to him as he looked to main entrance into the castle castle.
Double castle.

>“Strange lights have appeared around Equestria! 6 in total!” the soldier reported.
It’s standard practice that all numbers less than nine be written in prose rather than numeric. Likewise, if you can express a number in prose rather than numerics it’s good practice to do so (400 becomes four-hundreds, but 427 doesn’t become four-hundred, twenty seven).

>The three royal guard covered their eyes from the bright rose-colored light and as soon as it came, it vanished.
Guard is singular, but there are clearly three guards. See?

>cutey, deep in though, yelling, Equestira, Luna had flown
Cutie, deep in thought, yelling or yellin’, Equestria and a tense issue which is fix with changing that had flown to flew (note: this is not he only tense error, just the one I chose at random.)
>> No. 43759
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43759
>>42010

>>43758
Yet, there is an even more basic problem with your writing, something with the very way you structure your sentences and actions.
> Celestia looked back to Ponyville and opened her left-wing, inviting Luna to sit next to her, which Luna did, causing Celestia to close her wing around her.
>“*Snort* Y-Yes sir Cap’n!” one immediately exclaimed, snorting due to the fact that he was snoring.
> Leo and the other guard could soon see her but both simply raised an eyebrow. / “Who are you? And why are you in Equestira?” Leo asked sternly as he stared at the pink maned pony, who just simply raised an eyebrow.

What do all this sentences (or sentences groups) have in common? Repetition and mechanized writing. Writing a story is a matter of expression and flow; your words must come to the reader and stick with him, coalesce as you bring out more and in general leave an impression upon him. Repeating actions and words then is something which has purpose and weight, doing so willy-nilly simply ruins the flow of your story like you can’t imagine. What does this mean? Look at the very first sentence and tell me how many times were the concepts repeated? Three times, three times you emphasized the very same action. Ignoring the fact that “looking to” is an expression to show longing for something rather than the expression “look at” which is the act of moving one’s vision towards something, compare that sentence to:

Celestia looked back at Ponyville and opened her left wing. Luna sat by her side and Celestia gave her a warm and feathery embrace.

Expression is the rule of the game with writing and repeating things is not allowed (unless you want to make a point, which I doubt you were). Laddered related actions so that people have more action based sentences (I opened my hands and embraced the future) rather than reflective ones (I open my arms, went towards my wife, close my arms, and knew my future was there) because people prefer the former one, in addition of requiring less letters anyway. So now, if you establish a fact, assume said fact remain and don’t reference them again unless you absolutely have too. Many sentences could use this sort of treatment, specially that whole eyebrow raising scene, which I couldn’t help but think of an infinite recursion of ever higher eyebrows Admittedly, that is probably a problem of mine rather than one of the story, but my point still stands, that’s an odd repetition and a very weird reaction from a being that just came from a floating light. I mean, you only used the eyebrows to raise them with many different characters who are clearly not alike… that’s just odd reading.

In general, your sentence structure is extremely odd (“The last thing we need is something to happen here in Canterlot” and just after Leo had said this, light filled the front entrance of the Castle. / Luna couldn’t get a clear view exactly, so she descended down towards the place of interest, landing behind the two guards standing at the entrance. and similar things) which I guess can be left to style, but it won’t stop me from pointing them out. Do some reading, preferably good books, and compare how they write things with how you write things and tell me which one is more effective or less ambiguous. That’s all I can really suggest for this problem.

As with all <20 page incomplete stories I receive, actually commenting on your story is going to be difficult because I have so little material to work with. That being said, some pretty interesting things were raised:

1.)There exist a group of lights around Equestria that appear to be magical in nature.

2.)There appears to be a group of ponies with odd marks related to said lights.

3.)Said ponies are related to Luna and darkness in some manner.

4.)Leo is a guard.

5.)Celestia wants information about said group.

So with that, I can suggest a couple of changes:

1.)Make the meeting between Leo and mystery mare actually matter to the reader. For now, the mystery mare is completely unreadable and quite frankly I don’t care about her one bit. You need to give a bit more weight to her arrival, show a little bit more emotion, more actual concern to the events that are occurring. Right now it seems like she is going to the beach with a bunch of very boring people and she is getting released from her boredom fighting a random guard.

2.)Your dream sequence didn’t feel like a dream at all. Dreams are all about engaging the sensory section of the brain; let it be the reader or the character. Make a whirlwind of colors, make the ponies do something, foreshadow, anything.

3.)Add a bit more movement and detail to the fight. A couple of dodges, a few hits and one or two bucks, plus descriptions of the weapons and the moves, should do the trick. Right now, it sounds like they are jousting, the mare moving to the side and then kicking him, which quite frankly a very bad method of combat. I mean, we don’t even know what weapon Leo has, which makes a bit hard to know what we should be seeing.

The set-up is not bad, you have introduce us to a conflict and a mystery we can't possibly comprehend without knowing the underlying world, but that's ok, because now you are going to have world build for those unlucky few which have no clue about FF XIII world. Keep at it.

And that’s all I got, hope you found that useful.
>> No. 43766
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43766
HeLlo Samurai Jack!
Llama Llumps here, Llama has been working on something for a whiLle and wouLld Llike to have your input if you wouLld be so kind.

It is a Grim/Llite crime drama starring the mane six and an OC zebra (no Gary Stu or shipping with the cast ponies etc.)

Llama is attempting to deLlve into the races cuLltures and reLligions of the rest of the non pony worLld as they reLlate to Equestria. Since the story wiLl deaLl with the non pony worLld, an OC was Llama's best choice for an outsiders view.

Ohh, Llama takes pains to controLl his outrageous and sexy Andean Llama accent in his story.


Chapter 1 Spurs of Blood
http://pastebin.com/CpfwQ3L4

Llama hopes pastebin is ok, someLlama has been fLlagging googLle docs pony fics.
>> No. 43773
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43773
I wouldn't mind getting a second review for the fic I'm working on.

It's a [Shipping]/[Normal] fic between Twilight and Rarity. I say [Normal] because there is a lot of "slice-of-life" going on; the shipping is just the driver. Right now it would rank as [Fluffy], eventually it will be [Tender].

This is only the first part. I'm writing part 2 and the whole plot has been thought out.

Canterlot's Guests, Prologue and Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-z-_3vkV6QmoSenzwPXasRIOv9eVueNpYMOjSC_QacQ/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 43775
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43775
>>43523

Thank you, thank you, once again, thank you for the review. Anyway:

>Your dialogue punctuation

Yea, I have problems with punctuation, especially when coupled with quotations. It's a pain in the butt, mostly because I'm usually pretty comfortable writing dialogue. The clarification is appreciated.

>Thoughts need to be italicized

I knew that this was a correction, but after several more read thrus I couldn't, for whatever reason, relocate them. I'll fix it now.

>The participles to reduce the verb overload

Point taken, corrections incoming.

>Oh yeah, by the way

It's good to know that's what you think. I was getting a little self-conscious about the complete lack of 'action' at this point and I didn't want to start the fic with pages of talking heads, so I opted for something less than graceful in order to provide a little progress. I guess I'll look into restructuring the scene to fit everything I need to into it while still being natural.

>We can stop alo-

This is actually REALLY helpful, I think it's more than obvious that I rushed a bit through the action parts, simply because I'm less than stellar at writing. After double checking the last half a couple times, I recognized that something was missing, but was too close to it to get a good feel on what it was. Thank you for this.

>Tyrant Celestia

Too bad, this is where I'm going, and I'm stickin' with it. I recognize that this is indeed well trod territory, but I honestly feel that I have a unique spin on it I'd like to vocalize. I don't think the kind, light-hearted Celestia and the Tyrannical, Controlling Celestia are two mutually exclusive personailties, and that's what I'd like to explore, without giving too much away.
>> No. 43782
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43782
>>42599 / >>43137 / >>43559 / >>43775

>>42599
I somehow manage to miss this... thank you for sharing that my friend. I do remember that episode and have some screencaps, but I never actually bothered to crop her in.

>>43137
I am to serve, just try to keep those rules in mind and you shouldn't have too much problems with it,

>>43559
No problem, hope all goes well with that story.

>>43775

>Tyrant Celestia
Now, now, don't misconstrue my words. I am not saying going the Tyrant Celestia route is wrong in any way, just that if you do go into that territory you better make sure you build a complete and consistent character. I agree with you, both can easily co-exist in a great and awesome character, but I am just giving you this friendly piece of advice:

Plan your Celestia so that he doesn't seem like a bipolar mad woman.

That is all.
>> No. 43819
Hello Samurai, not sure if that was you I bumped into on the GDoc, but I'll make sure to cover my bases :P

>>43787
Chapter 2 of Storm Princess is complete. The MSWord file is updated with a brand new GDoc counterpart to go with it. Enjoy!
>> No. 44075
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44075
>>43819
Yes, that was me, I don't suppose you want a review?

As for the rest of you:

1.) I apologize for my decreasing rate of reviewing but ceartain situations have come up that make my long review process be interrupted multiple times. Starting next week I think I can get at least 15 review-equivalent pages per day so that should deal with the queue in about 5 days.

2.) [email protected]
This is my email adress, where you can sent me email with questions about writing, discuss ideas for fics you might have and, just in general, where you can contact me with non-mlp stories you wish for me to see. I make no promises of prompt response or at all.

and that is all, good night everyone, I might drop some reviews tonight if the situation improves and nothing comes crashing down my door.
>> No. 44092
>>44075
Yes please! Could you please spare a review when you have the time? I have my doubts about this chapter.

Hope you can get the rest of your tasks squared away. You're doing a good thing here.
>> No. 44484
Hi!

I've never written a fanfic before (or any work, really), so I thought I'd give it a shot. It's [ADVENTURE][GRIMDARK], and it's a work in progress. I've written 6 chapters so far, and since this is my first time writing, I really have no clue whether it's any good or not. I'd really appreciate a review so that I can improve my writing skills and hopefully get better.

I posted this in the new writers thread too, but it's been 9 days and no one's reviewed it yet.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZN0qGRsxhB6P7Qj48h7NyPFQzLuwL2U5_pndAM86who/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1
>> No. 44574
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44574
>posting a review? Posting a review

>>42952
TL;DR: Some scattered errors and a Bogart that seems a bit… too accessible.

>This document uses a later version than the one originally presented due to the loss of the original. I apologize.

Hello Garnot, welcome and may this be useful to you.

As always, I would like to begin to talk about your writing with the most systemic issues to the least systemic issues.

Your dialogue punctuation seems to be the main breaking point of your writing:
>“No,” she said bashfully, “It’s just that… you, well...” she sighed. “you aren’t supposed to be here at all.”
If there is something I love it is efficiency, and this sentence provides me efficiency in errors and corrections. Whenever you join two sections of dialogue by means of the comma-speech action verb-comma structure (like you did above), unless you exchange the comma for an exclamation mark or a question mark, both of those sections of speech are considered to be joined and one single sentence, making the capitalization of words after the speech action verb be wrong (aka uncapitalize it’s, it’s not needed). This is an error that repeats itself across your text.

Next, an odd error on which you end a sentence and then don’t capitalize the next section, even though it’s a completely new sentence. The comma-speech action verb-comma construct is of defined length, you can’t simply extend it with more speech action verbs, so in any given dialogue it can only have dialogue-comma-speech action verb-comma-dialogue and thus that sighed can’t be connect, making it a whole new sentence and thus the first word must be capitalized. Same situation applies to the you in the next sentence, you clearly aren’t making her sighed that (you have a period) and any sentence that comes after a period must be capitalized just in general. Not the only instance of this error.

>“Don’t you see, the Gala is little more than a fundraiser for the rich and amoral.”
I was wondering about this sentence for a while because it feels wrong and there are so many ways to “fix” it that I wouldn’t know where to start. For starters, the Don’t you see sections is unquestionably a question and thus makes the lack of a question mark become apparent right away. However, the intent of this question can vary widely depending upon what you want to do with this.

“Don’t you see? The Gala is little more than a fundraiser for the rich and amoral.”
Declarative, ask a leading question and forces a conclusion, thus making the question be a rhetorical one rather than an actual question, still leading to personal thought but then establishing that no other conclusion can be derived from said line of thinking. I think this is what you are going for.

“Don’t you see the Gala is little more than a fundraiser for the rich and amoral?”
Complete question, calls forth Pinkie to analyze the nature of said Gala by leading her line of questioning.

“You see, the Gala is little more than a fundraiser for the rich and amoral.”
Declaration, a statement directed as infallible truth without question. No need or contribution by pinkie, it’s a statement of fact.
Whichever it is, I could not tell, but I prefer the first one.

>“From what I’ve read in class, a lot of ponies did, Pinkie suddenly said.
Outright missing quotation and possibly comma?

>“I.. I..” I stammered.
Ellipsis are three periods, always.

>“What if you’re some kind of assassin huh?”
Onomatopoeias are always separated somehow in the context of speech, let it be a comma or a punctuation mark, you can’t simply have it as part of the sentence. Aka, you need a comma separating huh from the rest.

Its/it’s issues? It’s/its issues
> It’s sharp glare forced me to squint.
Its as the glare is a “possession” of the sun.

>“Its customary,” the filly said with a growing smile.
It’s, as there is no possession here.

You did this error a couple of times and I suggest you do this: whenever you are going to write its or it’s, instead write it is and then go back to them. Why? Because after reading it, and figuring out when there is possession or not, you can change them accordingly with a far lower rate of errors as where each one should go becomes obvious.

Random issues
> slighty
Slightly

> wold
would

>“How did your parent’s meet?” Pinkie asked.
‘s plus a world 90% of the time means possession, so right now it’s saying that his parents own a meet, whatever that means.

> If he doesn’t want to tank about it, he won’t
talk
> This filly’s mouth was a lethal weapon all its own.
Subject verb agreement. Because you lack a on between all and its you are making the sentence have two subjects (the mouth and the weapon said mouth owns as of right now in the sentence.) So, whenever you are writing, keep only one subject and add that particular sentence the very need on.

> forlegs
Forelegs
> trough
Where have we seen this error before?

> She then begun berating me with endless questions about my life, my job, and my skills.
Look up the notion of participle and you shall see why this is wrong. Either add a had after then or change begun to began, which is not a participle but an actual past verb.
>> No. 44576
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44576
>>42952

>>44574
Now, to the story.

I really like the story but something bugged me as I read it. Specifically, this little part of the exchange:
>“Awww!” Pinkie said, “That’s so sad! Who was this dear friend?”

>“Her name’s Laura. She was a real nice gal. Had the body to drive a stallion crazy with all sorts of desires. Yet, because of our situation, we never really took that extra step. Eventually, we went our separate ways. Still, not a day passes that I don't think about her. She was more than just a friend to me...”

>“Girlfriend?!” Pinkie asked, looking at me with big, almost teasing eyes.

>“What? No!” I said, rolling my eyes and scoffing. “We had a lot in common, yes, but we never dated. Both of us were very different from the other children.” I crossed my forlegs. “In an orphanage, that’s enough to make life hell. We sort of stuck together out of necessity. Over the years however, we became unofficial family.”

>“That’s so sweet!” Pinkie said in a high pitched tone.

This a character that has learn to trust no one, lies in order to get what he needs, seems to be in a constant state of numbness from everything that has happened to him and, a ceartain level, is almost ceartain to distrust everyone and everything. Thus, mentioning Laura seems… out of place. Almost like you wanted to establish the existence of a character which you will introduce later, but just making sure we know about her now. A girl who he just met, who acts weird and in general seems to be the polar opposite of whatever he is, seems like the wrong kind of person to be sharing such an important piece of information, especially since he is doing a cult investigation. The cult already killed his partner, is known to be vicious, sadist, generally bad news and very dangerous when informed. So now, considering his position, why would he reveal to her such a vital piece of information? If I know I name and a location I can kidnap anyone I want. Give me a description of a relationship and I can manipulate you. Give me a reason to want to hurt and I will take it. This sort of information is better left for a later time when an actual bond of trust is formed between the two (and even then, trusting a 17 year old hyperactive kid would be difficult) and thus should be made part of his internal thoughts rather than speech.
All in all, Boggart, for all his time in the military and service, after the Rarity and Pinkie Pie episode seems a bit too trusting for all the events that have occurred to him. Rarity, I can swallow, mainly because he is in unknown territory, she has proven skilled and informed , and there seems something going between then in a platonic level at this stage. But Pinkie Pie? Most of all that was great, it was in character; it works. However, your delivery of information by part of Boggart, from an intel perspective and the sort of enemy he is looking for in Ponyville, seems wrong.

And that’s all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 44596
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44596
>>44574
Fixed those errors. Really watch my punctuation more carefully.

>>44576
Also fixed this part. I'm going to to re-write parts of chapter 2 as well. If things don't work out, I'll re-write the entire chapter again.
>> No. 44640
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44640
Just a public annoucement.

All fics that I haven't reviewed yet have had their files exchanged for newer ones due to the huge amount of time I have taken to get to them.

Await a couple of reviews in the next few days.
>> No. 44643
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>>44596
>Rewrite again
>I think of this picture

>>44640
>That... filename...
This brings me to a somewhat interesting point, though: at what point in the reviewing process do you download the files? I think I remember you printing them, but is it a 'right before you start' thing or is it a 'I do it when I add the story to the queue?'
>> No. 44652
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>>44643
The instant you have added yourself to the queue and I see the story, you are given a number(tells me your order of arrival), the formatting changed, the number of words counted and then they are sorted into two folders: 10000< words and <10000 words.

A new thing has been added: dates of saving, so I know how long I have kept a person waiting. Of course it gets a little silly when you have to read 300 pages of fics four times, so I can't make promises like Snarkle use to do, or at the rate vimbert does.

Still, knowing how long I have had it on my computer is never a bad thing.

>Yes... I posted that image by mistake, it's right by the side of this one... but yes.
>> No. 44863
>>44652
Who's in the queue and in what order?
>> No. 44870
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>>44863
Currently, the queue stands as such:

Being Processed:
With a little help of From My Friends: third stage
A Tangle Web: fourth Stage
Dance till we are high: Second stage
Pink Eyes: Second Stage
Spurs of Blood: Second Stage
Canterlot Guest: Second Stage
Storm Princess: First Stage
Equestria on the brink: First Stage

Review being transcribed:
The otherside of the Rainboom: Review being transcripted.
Untitled Story: Review being compiled
Ponyville Festival: Review finished and awaiting delivery.

In that order.
>> No. 44874
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>>44870

The Samurai has such an orderLly mind... Llama's brain is jeaLlous! *digs out his copy of the book of five rings* Llama wiLl Llearn your Samurai secrets!
>> No. 45164
WHy samurai jack
>> No. 45337
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>> 43140
Your review has been spoilered due to its mature content. I have no understanding of the policies of Ponychan and haven’t bothered myself to learn them but I’m uncertain about the permissibility of this story in the website. I hold no opinion to this matter. I will however post this first so it doesn’t linger on revealed.

TL;DR: Your writing is riddle with small mistakes which should have been fixed with a little self-correction and grasp of capitalization, punctuation and contraction rules. As far as the story is concern, it seems like the only scene that matters is the one of the rape and all the others are there to support the story and attempt to make it plausible. In simple words, the writing is lackluster and lacking detail, the actual memorability of the story is nonexistent and my interest in the story died about the moment the rape ended and I noticed everything that had happened before or after didn’t matter in any way.

Greetings good friend and sorry for the extremely long delay, let’s begin.

I must say I found your document to a bit disappointing (for more than one reason) but amongst this was your complete disregard for a couple very simple rules of English, and when I say simple rules I am not talking about those little esoteric things called the verb-subject agreement, or the irregular verbs, or the many odd rules and niches that apply to colons and semicolons. No, I’m talking about such simple things as:
>capitalizing i:
“Oh yeah? Well i challenge you, to...uhm...”

>putting apostrophes for contractions
“Of course we will! I just think it’s a bore that half of my best friends cant come out with us...”

“Yeah! Lets go!”’ Rainbow Dash pointed to the tent.

“She wont be awake for some hours. Lets go and get ready.”


>the ever necessary commas for dialogue
“Mighty sorry sir.” Applejack said.

>Which are a good part of how people make sense of the words and their meaning. Your writing isn’t bad, saying so would be a lie, it’s just terribly sloppy in all fronts, with incorrect words (due to one single letter or apostrophe) in about every page, errors of the kind above everywhere and just a general disrespect for the English language. Subject-verb disagreement? Check. Tense issues? Check. Was/were issues? Check. Plethora of other issues? Check.

>Hell, even your transition between events is jarring and unfluid, my unfavorite one being this one:
Locked in her room she could hear their voices as they were laughing and talking to each other. She could hear another voice greeting them and Pinkie quickly put her ear to the wall so she could hear what they were saying.

“Well look who decided to stop by! We thought you wouldn’t be back for at least a month.” The earth pony said.

“Still doing this whole rape thing at the side huh?”

“Yeah, we kidnapped ourselves a real beaut this time while you were away. She’s... just like you want them ha ha!” The unicorn pointed with his horn to the locked room that Pinkie was in.

>on which you basicly stayed on the room, jumped outside, and then jumped back inside the room again… that’s not a proper transition. You need to sit down and fix all this tiny errors (which a spellchecker could have should a good deal of, and a search function can most of the others).
>> No. 45338
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>> 43140

>>45337
However, the real front you lose me is the way this story is organized and developed:

Act 1: A pretty normal story involving Pinkie Pie and the equivalent of the largest party in Ponyville. She is more or less frothing about it and when the day finally comes she has a blast with her friends playing in what sounds like a giant carnival (I’m uncertain about the selling of alcoholic beverages of enough potency to mask date rape drug effects but it’s your story).

Act 2: All of them enter a sort of party tent and get some drinks. Applejack gets distracted by a colt she doesn’t know (thus, he must be from out of town… ok I’m overanalyzing this piece too much, let’s just say people would go to Ponyville for the festival, nothing that breaks my suspense of disbelief in that) and RD goes binge drinking, feels bad and starts getting out with Pinkie Pie, which isn’t so fresh herself. Pinkie Pie is affected by a drug in her drink which has started to finally have effect and she falls down (at this point I tried to think of a single drug that at this point wouldn’t have had an effect of sort that someone would have been able to notice… or how Rainbow Dash is flying considering how bad she must be as she drank from Pinkie’s drink), where she is picked up by two colts which apparently organized so her drink was spike. Ok… sure, I’m certain a bartender would help them so readily and then, when they notice Pinkie Pie is missing, will not tell others about two mysterious but easily identifiable colts (cutie marks appear to be hard to forge). Let’s us continue.

Act 3: Rape scene, a lot of violence, killing of the innocence. Again. And Again. And Again. And all this repetition I have to imagine because you simply cut it off at the first scene and then keep Pinkie in more or less the same “oh shit, oh shit” state from the beginning. More or less, you made her be a generic victim. Hell, I could have grabbed any of the characters and I don’t see how much different it would have been. That’s a problem, mainly because if this fic is not done simply for the sake of pornography then you can’t use generic characters. This is Pinkie Pie, a pony who has proven to be childish and concern, always trying to bring other people smile. You didn’t break her, you didn’t show me anything I could care about and that makes this just be porn, nothing else, nothing more. Want to impact the reader? I don’t need to know what goes where, I need to know her thoughts, I need to get her impressions, I need to feel her pain. Grab Pinkie Pie and destroy her.

Act 4: The grand escape!!! So I suppose it’s the same colt that met applejack before… which makes me wonder why he would free her. Pity? Knowledge they were going to kill her now? A sort of broken loyalty to applejack? He isn’t actually that colt but another one who met a pony just like her out of the blue and decided to play nice? Can I keep asking questions of difference importance but all concerning the same thing? Yes, I can, and that is because the whole thing feels contrived. Random colt appears, he recognizes something in Pinkie Pie and lets her go. Same colt who is friends with the two colts that are serial rapist, and possibly killers, from what you seem to present. I just don’t think you have thought this through. Hell, it almost reads like the whole scene that actually mattered was the rape scene and the rest is just there so: a.) Pinkie pie has a reason for being in this mess, b.) she doesn’t end up dead. And then there is the whole getting pregnant ordeal which quite frankly is one of the scariest things you can write about. Can you even consider the impact of having the child of a person who only use you for his pleasure and then having an offspring with him? I can tell you, it’s devastating, it’s horrible; it’s amongst the things that breaks my heart the most, especially when I sit down to talk to those girls and try my grain of salt to help them out (to all that read this review, I help a shelter for abused teenager mothers, give them a bit of your time too, I am sure they need it more than your computer). How do you handle it?

Act 5: She has the baby, decides she can’t love it, leaves it with a couple that found herm helped her through both injuries and pregnancy, and then returns to Ponyville, where she is received with open arms like nothing has ever happened and it ends. And your whole story has fallen flat because nothing has really changed except Pinkie Pie and we got nothing off that, hell, we don’t even know if she can live with herself anymore. This has an endless potential for a truly sad and impacting story (I don’t know the limits of EqD, but writing a rape scene without any sexual elements isn’t really that far-fetched or difficult) but is instead wasted for… I don’t even know what.

So, basically, I found you story to be unsatisfactory and pointless. All other issues I might have had are there described. If you happen to read this story and decide to rewrite it I hope this helps you make actually raise about the smut line into actual literature with a grim subject.
And that’s all I got, I hope you find this useful.
>> No. 45339
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>>43072
TL;DR: Some minor errors to remember, a story that I am somewhat interested in seeing it being developed.

Let’s begin with your writing.
If there is something I love is efficiency, getting as much in as little as possible. So, have a long winded explanation of couple of things wrong with the next couple of sentences (unless stated otherwise the errors presented are not unique and afflict other sentences, so you should check what I write and apply it throughout the text.)

>He pressed a button, felt the thrusters kick in as he was once again thrown back into his seat as he flew ahead. The cause of the brightly coloured vapour getting closer.

¬ Verb overload: every so often, one gets carried away and begins putting too much motion into a single sentence, to the point those actions lose their particular impact or significance. Here, you have a string of 5 verbs in a single sentence, all acting upon various subjects while the noun hides there somewhere amongst all that. Frankly, I have no clue why you did this. Whenever you are writing you need to limit yourself to one verb per sentence section or things quickly get ridiculous. See how pressed is behind a comma and I’m about to say that’s correct? That’s because you separated it from the rests of the sentence and thus have a new sentence segment. But even then, you would have too many verbs as this sentences makes those motions be co-dependent upon each other. So what you do? You use participles. Participle are these funny words that have function in between a verb and an adjective (no, adverbs are not that) and thus can be used instead of verbs in sentence and still make sense. Example: the flying saucer was flying above me. On which I used flying (participle of fly) as both functions, however, notice how the participle depends upon a was (actual verb) to make the participle come to live. Had you written all that above as:
>He pressed a button, felt the thrusters kick in, throwing him back into his seat as he flying ahead. The cause of the brightly coloured vapour getting closer.

It would have not suffered from this problem. In reality, there are quite many ways to rewrite it, but keep this in mind as this is a big one.

¬ Odd sentence structure: It’s not uncommon for writers to separate a compounded sentence into two smaller sentence for effect and depending on how you do it can turn out to be a good bonus to the reading experience (it’s much different to read “I watched die and then I felt a shiver.” to “I watched him die. I felt a shiver.”) making the use of them appealing. However, one can’t separate randomly or flubs are certain to occur. A couple of simple rules? You can only do this kind of separation if the sentence could be found on their own or if you can make the next sentence be laddered with the previous one (aka one cause the other one, one depends upon the other one, etc.)
In the case of:

>He pressed a button, felt the thrusters kick in as he was once again thrown back into his seat as he flew ahead. The cause of the brightly coloured vapour getting closer.

You have the second sentence separated from the main one as, I assume, a continuation of the axiom of the first. However, the second sentence doesn’t work like that, this a completely unrelated element that doesn’t necessarily require the previous one to occur. It certainly might have occurred because of the previous one, but it’s by no means linked axiomatically. What does this mean? You can’t have a sentence without a verb (the participle of getting is not currently functioning as a verb) that is not dependent upon the previous one. There many ways to fix this sort of error: you could use a was (past tense of be) there so that the participle has something to transform it to a verb (preferred solution); you could joined it to the previous sentence with a comma(bad solution); or you could just intermingle it with the previous sentence as to combine their meaning (worst solution). Keeping in mind this notion of the fractioning of sentence for impact, check your writing and correct it.
But enough of this sentence, next section please:

-A variety of punctuation issues:

>She felt as if her heart was about to explode but still she ran as fast as she could.
When dealing with negations convention states that you should separate them with a comma. In this case you made a statement that is cancelled by the next one and thus, comma.

>She looked below and saw, through patches in the clouds, a green, but duller than she remembered, land below.
When in doubt, always follow the next rule: one comma separates, two commas explain and three commas are a waste. Comma overuse is a very serious problem because it prevents the reader to get a clear shot fo what you are trying to say. If you have more than two commas you should really consider shortening or modifying the sentence so those commas don’t exist. The truly worst case scenario is that you will have to separate the sentence, but then again that is better than having four commas and no way to know what section applies to which other. Example of how it can be rewritten?
She looked below and saw, through patches in the clouds, a green and duller land than she rememberd.

I ask you, is that better and clearer or not?

>She stopped as she gazed at the clouds littering the sky below her, she probably should have cleared them before she had set off.

Let me introduce you to my little friend, the semicolon. The semicolons exist for one reason and one reason only: to join together two equally strong clauses into a compounded axiom. So, how do you know when to use it? Put a period in there and see if the sentence can hold on their own. If they do and you want to join them together so that their message is stronger, use a semicolon. Using commas for it is called a comma splice and are not really a good idea.

>There fortunately wasn’t any but as he looked at the sensors and monitors he found the origin of the wailing that was screaming in his ears;

as he looked at the sensors and monitors is an aside, as it elaborates on how he found out, so it’s a non-necessary (from a technical perspective) part of the sentence. What we do with those? We enclose them in commas.

>“Proceeding to engage with cannons, over.” Michael heard himself say.

To quote myself:
“Whevenever you use dialogues, you must keep in mind the correlation to the sentence that surrounded or interrupted them very well. What does this mean? You must keep in mind the notion of the speech action verb, which is any verb which describes the act of speech, so that whenever the next sentence is dependent upon the dialogue you remember to put a comma rather than a period. So, any verb can be used after speech as long as said verb is directly correlated with the dialogue in question. If you fail to do this you will reach a logical fallacy on which the speaker separates his speech from the act of speaking (and all other related action by other characters) with a nonexistent delay. Keep an eye for those commas and period.”
>> No. 45340
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>>45339

>>45339

Wars fought that involved any plane versus plane action didn’t really exist anymore, he thought.
The thoughts aren’t written in prose and thus must be identified as thoughts somehow. Change the thought to ialics.

Questions were buzzing around her mind but the most obvious was simply, how did I get here? It must have been the sonic rainboom, thought Rainbow Dash, but it’s never done this before.7
Couple of notes, all thoughts follow the same rules as normal dialogue, except for the quotation marks (artistic license is claim when this varies but for simplicity’s sake just stick with convention) thus you can’ t have two action speech verbs (the whole first unitilized section and the thought section) action on the same sentence. Change the sentence so it can be separated (something along the lines of “but one struck more than the others) and thus eliminate that double speech verb action.
.


>Michael pushed the door open and stepped inside. He had been inside this room a few times and every time it had been full. This time all he saw was a man in his late thirties sitting at the other end of a table, staring intently at the new occupant. Michael closed the door behind him and stood to attention, staring straight ahead, not making any eye contact. The man kept on staring at Michael, studying him, searching for an answer to a question that Michael wasn't allowed to know. Michael continued to look ahead, feeling slightly uneasy about this man. His stomach tightening had returned. He had heard this voice many times before but he had never seen the man himself. The man seemed to be someone who had spent his entire life in the air force. Everything about him was no nonsense, to the point. Eventually the man seemed to have found the answer to his question.

You repeated the man 4 times in this paragraph… I normally suggest you don’t use the same word in the same paragraph. Add other descriptors and more color so it doesn’t feel so repetitive.


>Above the constant screaming sirens he heard a voice inside his head.

-Weak clause-strong clause: In writing, there is a convention in writing known as the weak-strong clause. This is the very core of all rules of punctuation and defines most of the rules of how language is written and spoken. What is it? It states that a weak clause is one that essential details to understand the meaning of the sentence. I have eaten fish before: strong clause. I have eaten fish: weak clause. In simple words, if you sentence can stand on its own without any further elaboration, you have a strong clause. If you need to explain it, you have weak clause. Why does this matter? It’s understood that all weak clause must be subordinate to strong clause and as such must after them as to show the fact the strong clause meaning is clear while the weak clause just works as a function of the strong one. If you are to write a sentence which begins with a weak clause, then you are required to make that be a separate sentence segment (with commas) as to make sure you aren’t putting a strong clause as a subordinate of a weak clause.

To use my example here, “Above the constant screaming sirens” is a weak clause as it doesn’t provide complete information (what is above the constant screaming?) and thus can’t be in front of the strong clause “he heard a voice inside his head” (all information is there, he is hearing a voice inside of his head, thus a strong clause) so you must put a comma after sirens for this to be correct.

whats
Apostrophe here my friend.

>She had already began to run.
Had is an axiliary verb which sets the time, making you have to use the root here. Thus, begun.

>enough to out pace
Out pace =/= outpace. Trust me

>wings,took
Separate this.

>star that were just tiny
Were is plural while star is singular. You have a subject verb disagreement… just as when you say “trail of thoughts were” even thought trail is singular (trail of thoughts rather than trails of thought or trails of thoughts).

>The air became harder to breath
Breath is a noun. Breathe is a verb

>“Bravo One I’m getting some weird..”
I think you were making an ellipsis here, but ellipses have three periods, not two.

>It felt like someone was trying to cut her head with a knife, which for some reason made her remember that she had promised to help make cupcakes with Pinkie.
Cupcakes reference? I’m not feeling the love for this one.

Her exhaustion had been forgotten as she ran as fast as her legs would carry her. She ran between trees, through bushes, everything becoming a blur to either side of her.
Not an error, but it’s a convention that you should have only one or multiple of three, five or ten objects, with two having a special place when contrasting. Here there’s no contrast and the list feels incomplete, add something else.

Coming towards her was the sound of hoof prints.
You did this twice; you can’t heard a print of anything.

As for the story, I like where this is going. I can’t really say much because of the low amount of material that is involved, but nothing has stricken me as implausible or illogical in the universe in context (although explanations as to what has happened better be incoming soon or otherwise this will fail my plothole test). I do however wonder why would a military craft, one for combat, have a Geiger counter to begin with. At the altitude they are flying, they are constantly bombarded by radiation and if a nuke was to set off they would have no chance what so ever of using that information for anything useful. A nuclear explosion went off? All air within 200 meters of the explosion is incinerated within the first millisecond, the explosion extends a couple hundred meters more and the radiation will kill anyone within a 1-2 kilometer radius. At distance and speeds like this, a Geiger counter is useless. I can only assume you are actually going to use them for something but I was just thrown off constantly as I returned back to that and thought why would they have them.

And that’s all I got, hope you find this useful.
>> No. 45342
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>>44874
My secret is: I like what I do.

>>45164
Because I like the show.

>and thus it's buried.
>> No. 45343
>>45337
Samurai, why do you insist on torturing yourself with such drivel? If they cannot even be bothered to hold the shift key whilst pressing the "I" button, why should you review it? If you had nothing else to do I could understand you reviewing such drivel, but you yourself have said that you're quite backlogged. You shouldn't even bother giving a story like that the time of day, never mind a good portion of your's.
>> No. 45349
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45349
>>45343
Because I exclude no one (if the text was unreadable that would be a whole other issue) and I'm not planning to start doing so now.
>> No. 45425
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45425
>>43075
TL:DR: Just a series of small fixable errors and a story which seems it might be going into the PoE line but still has a lot of ground to cover before it can even begin see if it's that (so much so that the whole thing you send me could be collapse into a single chapter as the first two ).

Hello, welcomed, sorry for the delays and I hope you still find this useful.

Like always, your writing systemic issues (I don’t do edits).

Dialogue:
>“Almost, Rarity. Don’t tell me everypony is waiting outside for us.” Twilight responded.
Comma. Comma. Comma. You never have a speech action verb (any verb which is used in conjuction with whatever is inside the quotation marks to make a point) separated from it’s dialogue with a period because that literary maeans that the speech has no relationship with she talking… which makes no sense. Adding the comma connect both sections and makes twilight actually respond with that piece of dialogue rather than her saying that, then responding something undefined.

>“It is certainly a room worthy of royalty.” Rarity sighed, “Could you imagine sleeping in a place like this every night?”
Same reasons as the above but different problem. You can make her sighed that complete sentence, thats for certain, but I am unsure if you want to make that connection or not. Just pointing it out.

>“I haven’t even been in Canterlot’s private chambers before,” Twilight breathed, “This is an incredible honor, girls. This is as close to the royal quarters as anypony can get.”
Now this interesting, because you are using the commas within dialogues to chain events into a single action. Good, but that also means that for all purposes this a single sentence and should be capitalized (or not) as such. Seeing how you don’t capitalized after a comma in normal sentences, there is no reason to do it here or ever when writing dialogues. Thus, that this should lower case. As a sidenote, you never capitalized as thought it was the beginning of a new sentence after a comma in dialogue either, so don’t capitalize words such as she or the, but do keep capitalizing names or titles.

> After almost a minute, Pinkie responded. “OH! You think I did it! Nope! Wasn’t me! Trust me, I remember EVERY prank that I do!” She said.
For the sake of simplicity, I suggest you eliminate that said at the end. Here is an interesting application of the speech action verb notion: because you have established her she is speaking (she responded) then there is no need to repeat the same idea again. You could take a step further and change that period after responded for a comma and then the speech action verb would act directly upon the dialogue in question. However, I will suggest you maintain it as is due its greater impact when separated (the period forces a pause and thus emulate the pause Pinkie Pie went through) and thus better reading. Why doesn’t this affect the speech action verb? Because speech action verbs are like magnets, they will attach to whatever is closes to them. Adding commas directly connects them to a particular section of speech but, if no direct connection is made, the speech action verb acts retroactively upon the next section. If you say:
“I don’t think so.” She took a breath and exploded.
“You will have to kill me first you piece of scum, I hope you die in a vat of acid you-you- you no good monster!!!!”

By association you will link that dialogue to the previous one (and yes, explode can be used in conjunction with speech in exchange for said) so play around but keep this in mind.

>“Alright, alright, um…” Twilight thought, “How about something else besides jokes?” she said, unable to think of any non-magic or book jokes.
I’m… confused. The comma after thought established that the section of dialogue is connect to her thoughts but then you have another one saying she said that. You can’t have two verbs action on the same piece of dialogue, it just gets confusing to who is what, when did who happen and now even my sentences are jumbled up. Fixed this to what you actually mean… and all others in similar situation.

>“Go ahead, Pinkie.” Twilight gestured to her.
Not really a correction but rather an observation. The ordering of things around speech implies one thing: this happened after what has been said. Now, in general, one must play around with this fact for effect and must make sure that it’s plausible or fluid. Consider for a second you are telling a person where the bathroom is. Don’t you do the motion as you do then begin to speak? Just pointing out such minutiae so you think them thoroughly on your own and thus make things more realistic and fluid. Good fics are made or broken by minutiae.

Other varied issues:
> Twilight exclaimed, having ignored much of Rarity’s speech, levitated the final book on her list into her bag.

> Ah gotta teach that filly the what it really means ta work.
Even considering this is applejack, I don’t think she would use the construct “the what it really” as it doesn’t make sense… under any situation.

>“Ya just missed it! It was one a my best runs yet!” Dash exclaimed.
Same thing, what does one a my mean?

>“Ah see it!” Applejack announced.
>A team of four pegasi in the armor of the Equestrian Royal Guard pulled a long, four-wheeled chariot that was pearl white and decorated with intricate patterns of gold.
>The team stopped above the library, and carefully descended with the carriage.

This… doesn’t work. I do realized you are introducing the guards and you want to do so as Applejack seesm them, but as it’s currently organized you are basically throwing them in without any transition. Quite literary, there was no carriage and, suddenly, wild carriage appears. Now, if you have organized it something like

A team of four pegasi flew ever closer, wearing the full armor of the Equestrian Royal guard. Behind them, a long, four-wheeled chariot that was pearl white and decorated with intricate patterns of gold. Stopping above the library, they carefully descended with the carriage.

See the difference? Description or explanations can’t occur in a vacuum, they must be subordinate to actions and present description. You want to talk about pegasus unicorns dancing in your story? There better be an action that introduces them otherwise you are doing something wrong. Thus, keep an eye for this and remember to work actions first before going into description or rants.

>The whole letter by the princess.
It might be because of the nature of pastebin, I can’t really tell, but unless you want to confuse your readers you should really make all section of the letter be both their own paragraph and be in a distinctive script (most common is the usage of italics). If pastebin is indeed the limitation, be original and signal that the text is different in an obvious manner.

> She hasn’t been wrong before.
Timing. Timing. Timing. Hasn’t is in present tense but those events happened in the past. Hadn’t it is.
>> No. 45426
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45426
>>43075

>>45425

Now, as far as the story is concern, the first few chapters seem to be going somewhere and nowhere at the same time. Up to now, the next few elements I called important simply because I need to write something down and I thought I might as well:

1.)The two colts, importance/relevance predictor: 56%

2.)The fork, importance/relevance predictor: 32%

3.)The picture, importance/relevance predictor: 73%

4.)The lack of trains, importance/relevance predictor: 59%

5.)Everything related to the sisters, importance/relevance predictor: 89%

Apart from that, it sounds like an episode from a children cartoon (go figure). Then you have the wat section, which seems to lead to a couple of conclusion and possibilities: they are sent into a trip outside of pony territory in a caravan of zebras, they are on the human world, they got transported into a country of another anthropomorphize animals. All my money is currently on PoE, but that’s not saying. To summarize all that, I have no clue what you are trying for here and the wat section is not helping at all.

When it’s all said and done, I quite firmly believe that the first three chapters should be joined together into a single chapter as they seem to cover the same thematical string and it has ended quite strongly in the last chapter. Chapters aren’t arbitrary separation done by writers, each chapter is a single unit which resolves a sring of development and then continiues on the other ones generated by the text. Considering nothing get’s resolved on the first, or the second, having them as such short chapters on their own feels unnecessary.

Also, creepypasta? Nice choice, quite frankly not the best ones out there, but I suppose that you aren’t going for that angle anyway.

And that’s all I got until I get more material, keep up the good work.
>> No. 45462
>>45338

>So I suppose it’s the same colt that met applejack before…

No they are not related at all. The third colt that came in later was in love with a girl. So he kidnapped her and accidently killed her in delusion. Feeling guilt and horror he attaches himself to this gang and follows them as they escape the law. He let Pinkie go because she looked like this girl he was in love with.

The girl that got killed by that colt was the Mariners daughter. Their daughter got killed in the exact same place that Pinkie was in. Miss Mariner noticed the wounds that was caused by the unicorn because it looked just like their daughters wounds. In pity they somewhat force Pinkie to stay and recuparate. When Miss mariner discovers Pinkie is pregnant, she takes this chance to raise a new child that resembles her own daughter.

Thats the whole point of the story.

My writing is indeed sloppy. But i think writing fanfics might be a good way to enhance it.

Cheers for reading.
>> No. 45564
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45564
To all people, after some consideration due to another project I have had for quite a while, after finishing the reviews I currently have in my queue I shall effectively enter a hiatus of my services.

This means that you might not get reviews until well far off in the future, if at all.

I shall return once this project has been complete, which I assume should not be more than a month or so if all goes to plan.

Please refer to all the good reviewers of this website and I hope you can understand.

I shall request this thread be locked when all the current queue is completed.

Have a good day.
>> No. 45586
>> 45340

Thanks alot for the great review. It was like a much needed English lesson. Some of the simple mistakes that I made I don't know how I missed or even made in the first place.
Thanks for explaining the significance of each point.

Also I do have a reason for why there would be geiger counters. ( It should make sense)


Great review
>> No. 45589
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45589
>>45564
>Pic related, it's me cursing my procrastination.

Here's hoping your upcoming project is it the Cowboy Bebob crossover? turns out well. If it's something unrelated to ponies, then godspeed as well; it's been an honor having you in this community.
>> No. 45612
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45612
Clarification: If your fic is on >>44870 you shall receive a full review, all after those will sadly probably won't.


>>45586
My pleasure, hope that it turns out well for your story.

>>45589
Not quite, it's a smaller thing. Long time ago I had this idea of making a guide which would collect my thoughts about writing, pointing out methods to writing and the such. It was never meant to be a grammar or sentence construction guide but rather a guide into the actual process before all that happens and why you should follow the steps I set up in that guide. I'm currently aiming to write up the whole first section and then back to full reviewing, returning back to the other sections on a later date.

For now, I can still peruse fics, but nothing on the level of my normal review procedure. In other words, I can still tell you if you are going on the right or wrong directions but I won't be able to tell you why with my normal certainty. I might periodically feel the need to review, but as long as I write section 1 (and maybe section 2) I shall be busy with that.

As for the Cowboy Bebop project, I'm trying my hands in less ambitious things before I trust myself with that one, but be certain it hasn't been forgotten, just let too cook a bit more while I get the rest of the ingredients.

If you however feel the need, my email is [email protected] should you feel the need to contact me.

You are receiving Vimbert's help with your current story so I am certain this should inconvenience you as of right now, he is more than capable enough and, if his reviews and your reactions are any guide, he has proven invaluable to you. I hope you continue writing and we shall see each other again once this hiatus of mine is finished.
>> No. 45632
>>45612
I'm pleased to read you'll still be among us anon. Best of luck on your project.
>> No. 45688
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45688
>>45564
Godspeed Samurai; it has been an honor.
>> No. 45692
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45692
Hope you'll continue to be around at least a little during your hiatus, Samurai. You know how to reach me if needed.
>> No. 45763
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45763
>>45564
Your threads have been educational, sir, even without submitting a story of my own.
>> No. 45769
Yes, Samurai, godspeed on your projects!
>> No. 45777
>>45763

I agree with this, I've read most of your reviews and have picked up some pointers. I only regret not ever finishing my fic to see it reviewed. Good luck in your new project though!
>> No. 45824
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45824
Hello, new friend!

So, after submitting my first chapter a month or two ago, I wrote sporadically to complete the next chapter. It being submitted at like 2:00 in the morning, I wasn't surprised that it was not commented on a bit. However, imagine my surprise when I check it and see that it's rated Star-5. Now I don't know if that means anything, but my ego is fine for today. I'm asking you to review my Part II.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UE5NuaWnuOXPWp9uNDWwvEGhOtrUs9YnGOPD_kFQezg/edit?hl=en_US

In no way am I asking that you read Part I, I just suggest it because it puts Part II into context, obviously. Link to the EqD is here, it has the Part I link.

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/07/story-black-gate_23.html

I thank you in advance for assisting me and the rest of the fandom! TL;DR: Part I if want understand, plz review Part II. You great person. Oranges, papaya.
>> No. 45829
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45829
>>45564
Good luck Samurai, and thank you for reviewing me and CK's fic. Even though it was horrid, it still helped me learn a bit on what to do and what not to do.

>gives a proper samurai bow
>> No. 45836
>>45564

Honorable Samurai, I have not posted a fic here yet, but I figured that I should at least give you a formal thank you. I doubt you recall because it's among dozens, but you posted in my thread when I was looking for assistance on my writing a while ago (which was deleted after I found help). I have since found a lot of help, and it's due mostly to your initial greeting. Thank you very much, and I hope I can look for your help when you return
>> No. 45929
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45929
>This are quite a lot of responses.

>>45632 / >>45688 / >>45692 / >>45763 / >>45769 / >>45777 / >>45824 / >>45829 / >>45836

Everyone, please refer to >>45612 . Onward.

>>45632
>>45688
>>45692
>>45769
>>45829
I believe I must clarify something: I am not leaving, I am just not going to be doing my fill process of review with any story until I have dealt with at least part 1 of "I Would Still Use a Sword".

Considering anything but my review procedure is not a review in my mind, I am entering a hiatus for reviews. However, I will still see the stories presented and comment, although your mileage will vary considerably as I will only give out (using watches as a metaphor):

Review: I shall disassemble your watch, check for damage gears or friction points and then give you my list of repairs.

Perusal: I will take a glance at the gears of your watch and comment on them.

Appraisal: I will take a look at your watch and see if it's working.

Look: I will look at your watch and tell you if I like it or not.

All people for this hiatus will receive one of the last three without any assurance of which one it will be.

So no, I'm not leaving, I'm just not going through the four steps process.

>>45763
>>45777
I'm glad, I normally aim for my reviews to do just that: anyone should be able to come, read the review and learn something useful from them, not just the author.

>>45824
Please refer to the explanation above.

>>45836
My pleasure and Honor.
>> No. 45938
My apologies, Samurai, but I've decided to revise the final sections of Storm Princess chapter 2. I had rushed that bit last weekend when I realized my thread might 404, and that it had been almost three months since posting chapter 1. As I noted in my previous post, I had my doubts about the chapter, but after a week of pontification I have decided that those doubts must be directly addressed.

You can review the current version available in GDocs format, but the primary MSWord file will be synchronized with any revisions I make in the following days.

If this proves troublesome or disruptive, feel free to reset the story's position in the queue as per your normal procedures, or remove it entirely if that is better for your workload.
>> No. 46953
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46953
>>42144
TL;DR: I like what you are doing this, but fear withholding too much information without giving some too. Everyone else, read this.

Well, short review. And I can’t emphasize how much I both like (because it means I have nothing to teach you and you should keep writing) and hate (because the effort I put into this is not really shown) doing. Let’s begin.

Writing wise, this was a pleasure to read. When I read checking for errors, nothing is more off putting than having hundreds of little fixable mistakes scattered everywhere, but your writing is clean enough for I to not suffer from error saturation. Yet, the mistakes that exist are odd mainly because you are constantly doing things right, suddenly slipping into errors for no reason. Here are a couple of pointers:

>Alicorn/ ponyville / Did the cakes/ Vanished/
I have spoken before about this (not to you, but I have done so before) and will insist upon this point: there is no reason to capitalized alicorn within the context of the show because alicorn isn’t a title but an improper noun such as dog, cheese and the sort. Vanished is also another case of wrong capitalization for no reason.
By the same token, ponyville is periodically uncapitalized for no reason, as well as the Cakes (which I think you mean Mr. and Mrs. Cake rather than actual cakes, which is what read right now). Other capitalizations issues exist, but they are a different beast all together.

> “What have you been told about that name?” The Alicorn bellowed… / “Mr. Cake?” she whispered, “are you up?”/ …get a bit clearer...” the Alicorn turned about suddenly, murmuring softly to herself.
All capitalizations issues that pop their head every so often in your dialogue.

You never, and I want you to remember that, capitalized the words that connect to speech unless they are proper nouns. That the right there is not a proper noun (nor is alicorn, but we already covered that) and because that section (the whole bellowed thing) you considered it part of a single sentence. And you do this from time to time, even when a comma is present. Have you ever found yourself capitalizing non-proper nouns midsentence? No? Then don’t do so for speech and change those uncapitalize those words.

However, you might wonder about because of the question mark, after all, don’t you end sentence with them? That is correct, but as the next sentence shows, I highly doubt you do seeing how you didn’t capitalized she. But that sentence brings us to an interesting dichotomy in your dialogues again: you don’t capitalize the first word in a “DIALOGUE,” SPEECH ACTION VERB AND DESCRIPTORS, “DIALOGUE.” unless the comma after the first dialogue becomes a question or an exclamation mark (rules are a bit more murky when talking about ellipses) you should not capitalize it. Why? Because for all purposes that is still a single sentence, even with the whole dialogue thing in the middle. In many ways, you must treat things in dialogues as sentences on their own, just using the speech action verb (said, screamed, chuckled, boomed, barked, etc.) to connect those to section so the reader can understand they were said on a single thought rather than being weighted separately. In the case of the sentence presented, are needs to be capitalized because of the previous statement is ended with a question mark, and you capitalize things after question marks. The other error (capitalizing words after commas for some reason) is also present. On the other hand, a related error which is shown by the next sentence.

The the should be capitalized as it’s a new section of a sentence. Her next action is not connected or done while she is speaking and thus has no relationship with the previous statements, fix that. Hell, you do this a lot, not capitalizing the first section word of new actions of speech. Consider this: if whatever you just wrote doesn’t occur as the character speaks then separate it from the rest of the text with periods and thus make a new sentence (in this particular example the ellipsis covers the purpose of the period, and by the way check your ellipsis too, I found one or two which were either longer or shorter than the three periods they should be). You repeat this mistake multiple times across the text, please keep this in mind and revise. Example of another case? …few minutes.” she nodded, as the pair trotted towards the front of the cave.

Moving to more dialogue issues.
>“A..anyway, nothin’ I couldn’t handle.” She continued, puffing out her chest. / “Well, Princess, I’m lost.” Twilight started / “Um... th..thank you all.” Fluttershy croaked weakly…
Friend, see all those example there? Those are cases of you separating the dialogue from the act of actually speaking. This is both illogical and wrong and requires your immediate attention, as well as other examples I didn’t show due to lack of space or will to add them.

> turning about, she added flatly, ”heaven only knows where here is for that matter...”
Whenever you say added, adding or anything which says she said that afterwards requires you separate those two sections of speech into individual dialogues, which means that you need to capitalize the first word here.

In general, just various slip-ups with your dialogue punctuation and capitalizations which were done correctly in other extremely similar sentences. Onward.

> It had always filled her with pride, that such a beautiful land was hers, what her dedication and hard work had been able to provide for her ponies; and on nights like this, the sacrifices all seemed worth it.
This sentence makes me go and say: check your commas. What purpose does the first comma provide? You have a two weak clause connected by a comma and nothing to help them stand on their own accord and thus you have not even done a comma splice, you just gutted the sentence. Eliminating that creates a single sentence that makes sense and this section requires no further changes. That being said, I found other commas around which had the same gutting effect upon flow and meaning, read out loud and eliminate those commas which sound unnatural (like this one.)
> that her friends cottage / seeming to have it’s own light.
Possession and multiples are worlds apart. Neither friends or it’s show possession, making these and many other instances be incorrect. In one side you must add an apostrophe and the other you need to remove it. Scourge your fic and fix those.

>“Rainbow, I done told you, I gotta go get back with my kin.” I don’t have time t’...”
I have no clue why you have a double quotation at the end…
> Laying in wait,
It’s not laying as they were not place there, they are lying out of their own will.
>> No. 46954
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46954
>>42144

>>46953
As for the story, you have my interest, not much more to be said. My main concern really is that you might be withholding too much information at any given time, although I must say I was pleased to see that many of the questions pose have been given a direction to the answer by means of the third chapter. That being said, be careful how much you hide from the reader as a rule of thumb; readers read fics not to be confused as to what is going on, they read in order to be surprised and led through a story which enchants them. Leaving behind clues is essential in order to do this as people don’t want the answers, they want to imagine them and then compare to their own. In general, for every single unanswered question you must offer an answer or a possible interpretation or a misdirection for the people to work with. In your story started introducing questions, offering no possible way to bring them to light and then, bam, answered them completely chapters away with no little to no guide. That is why I loved how you manage to introduce Trixie by making her appearance be clear in the beginning, with her little bait and the whole Spike situation, where you don’t simply make him talk but use the lull to introduce another problem and then return back to him later for you to figure out what he said. Suddenly making the big bads appear in chapter three? I think you could have given people a little more to guide themselves with than that I’m sure.

In general, I love the fic and if you keep the pattern started in Chapter 3 I can say only good thing swill come out of it.

And that’s all I got, I hope you found this helpful.
>> No. 46958
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46958
>>43766

Spurs of Blood LlamaLlumps Review

TL;DR: Very clean, very good. Although I have to say his better have a reason for it, a real one, or otherwise I can’t take it very seriously.

Welcome, here is your review.

Writing is our first stop, as are in most of my reviews. A couple of things which are constant in your writing.

> A large red bow, and the yellow head of a tiny pony finally wriggled out.
That comma is both unnecessary and wrong as you’re listing two object rather than two actions or events (the bow is stuck to the head). Remove it.
> Her deep midnight blue coat was glossy and smooth, her mane of almost blue black was draped smoothly across her shoulders.
Please put attention as I’m going to try my best to explain this: this a comma splice and comma splices are a mistake you should never make, ever. What is a comma splice? Is when you combine two indendent clauses into a single sentence, something which you cannot do. If you sentence fragments require no further elaboration and could stand on their own as independent simple sentences then you can’t join them by a comma because of this, they are basically flying on their own accord. So what do you do? Well, in general you have two choices: separate them into two sentences (the bad choice is you are trying to drive a connection between them) or use the great and powerful semicolon, joiner of strong clauses. Either response is correct, but I think I made which one I would go for. The thing is, you do this in more than one place, putting a comma between sentences that could stand on their own and then call it a day. That is wrong and requires your attention. Seeing this, go, put your attention to it.

> He butchered my name horribly, even so it was better than what the rest of the force, and most of the ponies in the city called me behind my back, and often to my face.
I reread this a couple of times and I finally gave up as this is a crash of many independent and dependent clauses, randomly placed commas and other silliness I could for the live of my figure out because many of the thoughts are cut midway or are separate from the other thoughts they should go with. As opposed to my normal no edits rules, I assume you meant this:

[b] He butchered my name horribly; even so it was better than what the rest of the force, and most of the ponies in the city, called me behind my back and often to my face.
Which makes the first section stand on its own (it’s an independent clause) thank to that semicolon. Next we have a complete sentence “even so it was better than what the rest of the force called me behind my back and often to my face.” with and aside “and most of the ponies in the city” to elaborate further the point about the force. If this is not what you meant and those commas were placed like that on purpose… I can’t really help you there. In general, check you commas and similar punctuation, it gets outright weird sometimes (missing periods or periods outside quotation marks and the like).

> … where its made. / Y'all wanna let me out now? its kinda / Justicars / but hes not Zecora!
All of these need apostrophes, the first two because right now you are showing possession of… I don’t even know. Its should only be used when you want to show possession of something, but in this case those are clearly it is (which are contracted as it’s). Next, in your own text you said that they are called a Justicar rather than Justicars, in addition to the fact you are saying the marks are possession of the Justicars. What do you think is the problem? As for the last one, hes is not a word, but he’s is a contraction that exist.
> Without it though, fillies and colts would stare gape mouthed at my black and white striped coat and spiky mane. While their elders would be disturbed by the scars of my initiation ritual, oblong ridges of scar tissue running in horizontal stripes across my neck.
While is a subordinating conjunction and thus can’t start a sentence, ever. I suggest you rework all of this into a single sentence or (the better solution) change while to something else, like meanwhile or anything of the sort. Remember this and look up their rules of usage.

>… were I to doff my…
I have no clue what his is, and I stopped trying to figure out in the third read.

> carping
Carping is an actual word (complain or find fault continually) and thus in here a well verse reader will wonder what you are trying to say, I know I was. Carpeting would be better in any case.

>“Yer not Zecora!” She yelped, now
>“Apple Bloom, Sweety Belle, Scootaloo, y'all stay back behind Fluttershy now, let the big ponies handle this.” Drawled the orange earth pony with apple cutie marks, and indeed, there were now three fillies peeking from under that feathered bulwark.
> Yeah yeah,
Repeated words, commas, always.

> I remembered myself.
You recalled a past instance of yourself? I’m sorry, but that isn’t working for me. I reminded myself, I got back to my sense, any action which describes you doing an action of thought. Remembering yourself is just an odd word to use.

> cowcolt
What in the world is this?

Now, let’s talk story. 5629 words. That’s the total word count of the document you send me. I point this out to make sure you understand I don’t have much to work with so I’m just going to mention the thoughts that came to me as I read this fic.

1.) Ebony shaft: I read that section over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. I have to warn you right now, I have no problem with this sort of thing going on in a fic, but I feel the need for such thing to be justified or at least have a reason to its existence other than some sort of inside joke. Up to now, I don’t know if I like where his name is going, especially with Rainbow Dash reaction. Why are you going to use that name in particular? Just to have sexual innuendo every other page? I suggest you don’t.

2.) Interesting detail about the main priest escaping and the drug clearly doing something to the magic of the unicorns that take it. Connections, connections, connections. In general, I find the possibility interesting but hardly entertaining, although now thinking how Moonflower is probably dead makes me say I’m interested in knowing if we can add another filly to the priest death count (although I will admit I just went "oh... she is dead... wonder if something more interesting is going to happen.")

3.) I really like how you are taking your time to develop the character by using his reactions to his surroundings to show us who he is and what he thinks. This slow construction is truly necessary for the type of story that you are writing as people who write in first person are tempted to act like a third person and start describing the world for no reason. You haven’t (or at least not enough for it to be too much of a problem) making sure all your world-building is in reaction to an external stimulus. Keep doing that.

And that’s all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 46968
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46968
>>43773

>I apologize for the short length, I didn't have much to work with.

Canterlot’s Guests JKinsley review

Welcome, here is your review.

Writing wise? Only systemic errors, which can be a good or bad thing, depending upon the way you look at it.

>“I’m going to visit my parents in Canterlot for a few days, and I need them to look after the library. I couldn’t ask any of you to drop what you’re doing to library-sit for me, so it’s easier to have them take care of things while I’m away.” Twilight explained, adding some milk and sugar to her tea.
You do this error constantly. The comma in the dialogues aren’t placed there because people thought it was a funny thing to do, they are placed there because they are supposed to connect whatever is outside the quotation marks and what is inside, giving a direct and concurrent connection between them. Now, please, if you use a speech action verb (explained, said, screamed, added, spat, etc.) use a comma rather than a period, you were very much hit and miss with this. Hell, in general, read up dialogue punctuation rules as you have a need for it.

> The now whistling kettle stole Rarity’s attention, and she levitated a teapot, two teacups and saucers, a bowl of sugar, and a cup of cream out of their cupboards and the icebox and set them on the table.
Read this. Now, tell me, how many ands do you see? There are five of them. This is a confusing sentence and your overuse of and is quite noticeable here. Who acts on what or what happens when is lost here (I am still wondering where the ice box came from for or what came from it example). Rearrange this sentence so it’s clearer as right now it’s all jumbled up.

> Rarity smiled wide at the invitation she waiting for.
Please read this again, specifically “she waiting for.”

>Letters
You have three different letter formats… why? Some you just write like a giant paragraph even when they are clearly letters and not being said (the one I did shrug off was the one she dictated but that’s another bag of limes). Stick with a single one rather than jumping all across the board, it’s bothersome and unnecessary.

Story wise? I have no real idea what you are going to try to do with this but I’m interested. I will say this feels more like a prologue rather than an actual chapter as nothing (and I mean nothing) was resolved. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to read further, but for now I can only reserve any comments I might have until I have more to bite into.
>> No. 46974
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46974
>>44484

Equestria on the Brink G-Money Review
TL;DR: The story in underwhelming, the concept is frankly bothersome and the actual development is dry and uninteresting. I have to comment you on the fact I found exactly zero errors (apart from things I attributed to style, but more on that later).

Wow… I feel I should give you a medal or something, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I reread this couple of times, as per my policy, and was amazed to find nothing which I could declare an error. I actually doubted myself so I went back and reread all just to make sure I actually hadn’t missed something. Waiting to be proven wrong by my fellow reviewers, I found nothing.
That being said, your writing is dry, bordering in the outright dull.
> The light revealed hundreds of hideous creatures slobbering idly throughout the room. These enormous green menaces were at least as large as the ones outside, and the light only revealed more disgusting detail. The light momentarily blinded them, but they soon regained their bearing and began advancing towards the four intruders.

How in the world did you manage to make this uninteresting? All your writing is like that. And the worse part? I have no idea how to help you with it. It’s just missing je nais ce quois which deals with your writing. In general, I just felt like you were telling me rather than showing me what was going on and jabs such as:
>“My name is an amalgamation of linguistic compounds primarily utilized to assign distinguishable identities so as to facilitate communication between individuals,” Twlight replied matter-of-factly, too nervous from the recent events to figure out why Princess Luna was quizzing her on simple definitions.

Or
> Rainbow Dash put Twilight down on the ground and darted into the Archives. Pinkie Pie followed close behind before veering off and assaulting a guard, grabbing him by the next and screaming, “WHERE ARE CELESTIA’S ARCHIVES??”

>“I don’t know, I’m just a guard! Put me down!!”

>Pinkie’s scowl faded away. “Okay,” she said, letting the guard go and resuming her skipping behind Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

I just immediately fell off for me. Everything seems out of place, everything seems so out there which makes me dislike your writing. Fluff it up, add more description, add more feelings, get more involved in the motions and improve your dialogue. I am sorry I can’t do better, I just seem to dislike what you presented me and I can’t put my finger on what exactly is wrong (considering again you failed to do any errors I could detect or notice…)

As for the story, I won’t comment at all at but will leave these few questions:

1.) A group of clearly mindless and stupid creatures cross the sea? How

2.) A gigantic thread which could and did defeat her was kept hidden from the pony population and no efforts were done to prepare against them?

3.) Celestia, mover of the sun, could pull off a super shield spell like Luna and go around kicking ass with her super bubble? Why?

4.) What is wrong with Pinkie Pie?

5.) What exactly do the trolls want? As in, why not eat everyone and call it a day?

And sadly, that is all I got. I apologize for the poor review, but nothing good came of rewriting this multiple times.
>> No. 46993
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46993
>>42530
Welcome. Here I your review.

As always, your writing is mostly error free and have some instance where I would have done things differently, see below.

>"Thank you, Twilight, you're absolutely right. I've been such a silly foal about all this, I can't imagine what I was thinking!"
> You can join my entourage for the evening, we've got a lovely view of the dance floor."
> She could feel the ripple of his lithe muscles against her, feel his warmth encircling her, protecting her.
Change that relevant commas to periods or a semicolons. Both sections are independent clause and right now that is a comma splice, something which you can recognize if changing a comma for a period results in a two sentence that make sense on their own. Thus, change your commas to periods and tell me what results. If the sentence make sense on their own that probably means those commas should be semicolon. If they don’t make sense, return back to the comma.

> Indeed, it was alive with color, all of it saying, You are where you've always wanted to be.
Make the last section be in quotation marks, otherwise this makes no sense.

>"B-but... I'm seeing somepony..." She bit her lip, looking at the stallion, who was looking back expectantly.
Just for the sake of clarity, say again that it is Fluttershy. As a rule of thumb at any given point I should be able to differentiate somehow whoever is speaking no matter if I isolate any given sentence. In this case, it could be anyone. Change she to Fluttershy and you are done.

> She caught sight of Princess Luna, the Ball's guest of honor, at one point, but she was surrounded by well-wishers, hob-nobbers and brown-nosers.
Too many commas…rework this sentence so that there are less commas. Break it if you have to.

> …realization of juts how…
Realization of just how. Juts makes no sense here… in any context.

Now, as for the story, you dropped the ball. Everything clicked for me, well, at least until you got to the heart to heart talk between Rainbow Dash and Twilight. What exactly are you aiming with this fic? It is a serious question, mainly because what you have here is either an incomplete shipping fic where nothing was resolved at all or a fic of a very stupid friend acting a little bit too interested; either job leads to a bad story. Just look at this line of thought and tell me exactly what is missing here:
>"Yeah... Twilight, that sounds good..." Rainbow Dash sniffed and sighed. "Maybe I need to think about my life too. I mean, what Applejack said about this not being a game... I have been treating relationships like a game, with the swinging and everything. Heh; maybe I need to think about looking for a stable relationship for once. Just trying it out, who knows? Maybe I'm ready for it and I've just been clinging onto freedom because I'm afraid." She rubbed at the back of her neck. "I'll be lucky if I have any friends left after this... All I know is, it's because I've thought of love like a game that I did this to you." She drew herself up onto her hooves and lowered her head. "I hope you'll accept my apology, Twilight. I treated you so badly; I've got a lot of thinking to do."

Considering what she was saying at first, the whole “ I was helping a friend” routine, this just struck me as odd. As far as Rainbow Dash is concerned, if she truly didn’t see Twilight in lights of relationship this sort of thinking wouldn’t be part of the equation at all. I mean, why would it be? Would she consider that she might be a little too reckless and then think that lying to Twilight like would be problem. But relationships? Going stable because she thought her friend was lonely and decided to cheer her up by making her have a great evening, more or less what she suggested from the beginning? I just can’t seem to grasp that in the context of “I was just doing it to help a friend”. It simply doesn’t follow for me. In general, the whole scene after the gala felt rushed, almost like you were running to that scene, Twilight accepting so readily to forgive.

Then, that letter at the end, one which could deliver so much punch just fell flat because we didn’t get a single grain of body language from her. I mean, is she in denial now and writes that letter because she can’t deal with the event, a sort of attempt at convincing herself that it’s ok? Did she learn anything from the experience and is she being truthful with said letter? If the idea is to let us decide which of the two she ended up with then I must say your set up must be improved as the whole exchange above is mostly flat for twilight. Had there been anger, any sort of real heavy emotion from twilight to show us either way we might have been able to arrive to our own conclusions. Right now? I don’t get anything, just a letter which tells me nothing of the conclusion of this story. In other words, the last section basically is spinning in place for me and that’s not a good thing. I want to see this go somewhere and right now you didn’t take it anywhere. So I must say, what do you want to do with this? If I read the letter correctly you don’t want this to end in a shipping story between RD and Twilight, but as is I have closure about what has happened, no advancement other than the characters saying that they have indeed advance (and considering one of them was lying not no long ago and the other one is real desperate for companionship, I trust neither.) Want to go the shipping direction? Make her scratch the rainbow mare section. Want to not take it the shipping direction? You will have to lessen the whole relationship talk from part of Rainbow Dash and increase Twilight emotion and anger. And for the love of god, tell me how she is doing things after writing the letter. Make her confidently go back to bed, make her hum a sad tune, anything.

And that’s all I got, hope you find this helpful.
>> No. 47000
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47000
Here are all the reviews I have done, feel free to peruse through them to see what I’m more or less about and how many times I have done this.
Review count: 95 reviews
¬ Dance 'Til We're High Present_Perfect: >>46993 / ¬ Equestria on the Brink G-Money: >>46974 / ¬ Canterlot’s Guests JKinsley: >>46968 / ¬ Spurs of Blood LlamaLlumps: >>46958 / ¬ A Tangle Web Lesserpoet: >>46953 - >>46954 / ¬ Untitled Epic Anonymous: >>45425 - >>45426 / ¬ The other side of the rainboom alexrockclimber: >>45339 - >>45340 / ¬ Ponyville Festival Pinkie Pie Anonymous: >>45337- >>45338 / ¬ EQN Chapter 2 The Chosen Garnot: >>44574 - >>44576 / ¬ Fabula Nova Equestria supuriganadush: >>43758 - >>43759 / ¬ HoRS: Part 1 MalarkyInTheGalaxy: >>43522 - >>43523 / ¬ Ditzy Doo and the Blustery Day uSea: >>43518 / ¬ Patchwork Kegisak: >>43008 / ¬ Unchivalrous Conduct LouisCyphre: >>41917 / ¬ Equestrian Winter Bucko: >>41863 ¬ Try, try again Vimbert: >>41862 / ¬ Switching Hoofs onej6: >>41529 / ¬ Two Beats NickNack: >>41517 / ¬ Bronyville Rainbowdaps: >>40940 / ¬ How Friends May Fall Ebon Topaz: >>40748 / ¬ Losing Ground Quinch: >>36524 / ¬ Fluttershy Goes to Hell Present Perfect: >>38957 / ¬ Eternal Winter Bucko: >>37985 / ¬ FoE:PH Ch.2 Somber: >>37984 / ¬ Trixie's Pet Ch.1 StoryBirth: >>38307 / ¬ Third Party PonySoldier: >>37981 / ¬ Fo:E Project Horizons Ch.1 Somber: >>36451 / ¬ Fallout and Ashes Prog-2 Ashheart: >>36291 - >>36292 / ¬ Story with Occassional Editor Lightsideluc: >>36222 / ¬ PonyNoir Chapter 1 Garnot: >>34972 - >>34974 / ¬Four Days to Neighrobi Zinger Rimshot: >>33573 / ¬SDEF Prologue Review NickNack: >>33566 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS take 2 Chaos Nux: >>32359 / ¬Storms On the Horizon: Book 1 Ch. 1 Eeveexpert: >>32176 / ¬Honestly PresentPerfect: >>32061 / ¬One Last Party Favor AnonPinkie: >>31650 / ¬Assorted Tales Anon: >>31639 / ¬SIE PaxImbrium: >>31385 / ¬Lost in the Crowd SyrinKitty: >>31368 / ¬Pony Effect Grif: >>31050 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel(revision1) NickNack: >>29993 / ¬A Broken Bond Rated-R PonyStar: >>29979 - >>29981 / ¬Pinkie Pie and Nothing More PresentPerfect: >>29977 / ¬Arddun Lleaud Pride: >>29974 - >>29975 / ¬Bricks Ch4-5 ThePower: >>29415 / ¬O4 Lightsideluc: >>29411 / ¬Closer To Heaven Garnot: >>29402 / ¬Emotional Warfare IronPony: >>28462 / ¬Aftermath groovymann: >>28460 / ¬Dot Dot Dot Bannhammer: >>28459 / ¬Singing to the Moon uSea: >>28456 / ¬The Elements of Awesomery PresentPerfect: >>28261 / ¬An Azure Future Krass McWriter: >>27350 - >>27352 / ¬Cooking Floor Pt1 Starberry Burst: >>27347 / ¬Divergence Seattle_Lite: >>27344 / ¬RDBCNTH FireEsper: >>27342 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Chapter II Stormchaser: >>27340 / ¬The Art of Cooking Grif: >>27338 / ¬Friendship is Tragic Vermillon Kagamin: >>27337 / ¬Carousel Vanner: >>25998 / ¬Two Seasons TwilightSnarkle: >>25997 / ¬PonyNoir-Prologue Garnot : >>25995 / ¬The Kindness of Strangers Lysis: >>25994 / ¬Naamloos document Ebon Topaz: >>25784 / ¬I won’t see you tonight CoffeGrunt: >>25782 / ¬How Equestria was Made Batsy: >>25780 / ¬Breath-Taking ThePower : >>25779 / ¬Apples, Apples, Apples Anon: >>25778 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS Chaos Nux: >>25776 / ¬Equines and Exalts (prolougue and Ch. 1) DorianCreed: >>25328 / ¬Paries Transmuto Ch1 Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>24558 / ¬Masquerade! KidNeo: >>24554 / ¬Twilight Rhapsody Lady Luna: >>24542 / ¬I just want to Fly Dragnauv: >>24534 / ¬A Good Host N.K.: >>24515 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel Nick.Nack: >>22975 - >>22976 / ¬Vermächtnis Suche, Prologue Nick.Nack: >>22205 / ¬I Just Want To Fly Dragnauv: >>21909 / ¬Enemy Mine Everything Man: >>21425 / ¬Stargazing PanDotthast: >>21333 / ¬MLP The Hangover Lucki Poni: >>21332 / ¬Android R1NGmasterJ5: >>20964 / ¬Day of Foals Squeak: >>20960 / ¬Storm Princess MoronSonOfBoron: >>20699 / ¬Brave Heart Methinks: >>20590 / ¬Paries Transmuto: The Society of the Fourth Wall Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>20559 / ¬Division Arcifinious: >>19943 / ¬Loves Games Scribe: >>19740 / ¬*feeler* Rarity Disaster/Romance(>>18112) Desert Rose: >>19392 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Stormchaser: >>19349 / ¬Out of their Element Evilgenius123: >>19166 / ¬In Her Majesty's Royal Service Sagebrush: >>19000 / ¬Right Before Your Eyes PresentPerfect: >>18831 / ¬Helix Aspera StarmanTheta: >>18411 / ¬Maverick Lightsideluc: >>18130
>> No. 47016
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47016
>>46958

Llama has been eagerLly awaiting your input and it is so worth the wait. You have rooted out the typos and punctuation errors that eLlude Llama in his own driveLl. Now they shaLl be hunted down and destroyed Llike rabid skunks. This story has been scratching at the back of Llamas brain for a Llong time now, desperate to get out.

Now that it is sLlowLly making its way onto the page the reLlief is paLlpable. Your aid in getting this out and into a readabLle form may weLl save the tattered shreds of the poor Llama's sanity. Thank you for the heroic effort and time needed to wade through Llama's gibberish.


>> He butchered my name horribly, even so it was better than what the rest of the force, and most of the ponies in the city called me behind my back, and often to my face.

Your reading of my intent in this garbLled mess is correct, as of course are your corrections.

>>… were I to doff my…

Is that a correct use of ellipses? Yes, yes it is! Doff is an archaic term for remove, as in removing an articLle of clothing. Ie: “Gentlemen must doff their hats in the presence of a lady.” Llama is oLld and his speech refLlects this at times, sorry.

>> carping

This is a LlittLle joke, pLlaying on the idiosyncratic nature of the EnLlish Llanguage. CLlearLly Llama faiLled to execute it.

>> I remembered myself.

Another antiquated turn of phrase, it suggests that you reaLlized where you were and where this was heading.

>> cowcolt

Ponification of cowboy, Llama has seen it many times in other fics. We cannot very weLl caLl A.J.'s hat a cowboy hat can we?

When it comes to his name, when he teLls the story of his cutie mark, aLl wiLl be made cLlear.
Rainbow Dash's reaction wiLl be made cLlear soon as weLl. No, there wiLl be no painfuLly obvious and Llame shipping of Ebony Shaft with anypony, fear not.

Llama wiLl be instituting your recommendations and edits immediatLly. Thank you again!
>> No. 47032
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47032
>>47015
>>47025
>>47026
I am ceartain Llama appreciates the comments... I don't, erase these as they have no relationship to reviews, I have already walked this part of the woods and I won't do so again.

>>47016

First things first: Those are mere examples of said errors and in no way convey all errors I found, just their nature. You will now have to meet me half-way and use my comments to guide your correction of the text (I don't do edits and thus won't show all you did wrong, just why you did it wrong.) Onward.

>doff
400-200 years old? I can work with that. Last time I heard that word was from an 80 year old british man (nice chap, very worldly, hates horses of both sexes and was as homosexual as they come) who has been dead at least 15 years. It works here so no need to change it.

>I remembered myself.
I understand completely, I'm just saying it's bad practice to do so anyway. I am uncertain of our age difference, but I do try to make sure I use modern constructs. Maybe I'm helped by the fact english is not my native language, so I just modify my speech as I see fit. Now, in [redacted], I speak like I've been living under a rock.

> The earthpony in the battered cowcolt had
leave up to me to forget the rest of the sentence, but now that is complete I hope you can see the problem. If you don't, right now is saying the earth pony is inside the cowcolt... which could be correct but for the love of god please don't make it so.

>The name
To clarify: you could ship him with a sink and I wouldn't mind or care, it's your story, as long as there is reason why he would risk his manhood to a metal hole feel free to do so. My issue is specifically the purpose of the name in the story I did make the connection to Shaft, but please, kids now a days probably don't even know who the real Shaft was was, and still is until proven otherwise, that you aren't using it for innuendo fuel. I like innuendo as much as the next guy, but having such an important element just for that rubs me the wrong way. You say there is a real reason, I can only await for it and hope I don't have to flinch due to innuendo overabuse.
>> No. 47038
>>46993
I think I'm three for three on the quotations marks around that one phrase. I get the hint.

The last section of this story, after the dance, is really in transition. I basically rewrote the entire thing to what you see here and I feel like I'm floundering and may very well be outside my element. I'm taking everything you said to heart, along with the page or so of suggestions I've gotten from others, and I'm going to sit on this for a while. Like Rainbow Dash, I've got a lot of thinking to do.

I thank you again. As always, you've been more than helpful!
>> No. 47622
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47622
I guess it's only fair I show you the reason I have stopped doing full on reviews.

Long time ago I had an idea of making a sort of small guide with my thoughts about writing in an easy to read guide (I believe I might not be able to succeed on this point).

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hRMRkovNo3PGsykQSKbLT8r5g6m04WcZfKE4paZ7yDc/edit?hl=en_US

You can link it and see it grow.

Comments and contributions (at the end of each section of the parts I want to add a link to a document I like to call correcting the idiot, on which authors can develop further, contradict, support or just outright ignore anything I write.)

Now, let's make sure I actually get to finish something today.
>> No. 48236
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48236
The Die is Cast.
All arrangements have been made.
Good luck.
>> No. 48245
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48245
Oh dagnabit.
I was just saying that you were working on this guide less then twelve hours ago. Did I jinx it? Is that a thing that happens? Am I wizard?

Sagin' ta prove a point. Hopefully it works.
>> No. 48252
>>48245
That was very quick, almost like you watch this thread.

As for jinxing it, far from it my friend, far from it I assure you.

Also, which point are you trying to make?

No picture, internet problems.
>> No. 48255
>>48252
eyup.

But I watch lots of things I like though. It's a fun document so far, so I do watch it occasionally. So people care to keep an eye out for you a great deal.
>> No. 48689
I'm very good with English, so I don't suspect there will be too many problems. Anyways, I'm creating a new Cowboy Bebop crossover (Which I want to go over better than my LOZ crossover) and was thinking of asking the wonderful community of ponychan, which I have not previously used before, to help me in my quest to make a fanfic good enough for Eqd. Here's the link to the googledoc page: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l9TyFOAcBwA51ZiSBTAam932qkFI6eirDkvU2CKLynE/edit?hl=en_US

Thanks again for taking time out of your busy day to slake my insatiable desire for better writing. Ciao
>> No. 48695
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48695
>>48689
Firstly, unless there's been another announcement outside of this thread, the Samurai is on hiatus for his writing guide.

Secondly, refer to rule six:
>6.)Under no circumstance you shall ask me for an edit because I shall outright refuse and never offer to do it for you in the future. If I feel the desire to edit I shall go to you, don’t come to me.
>> No. 51356
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51356
>Due to the loss of my previous review thread all stories presented which had reviews previously, but were lost to the purge done by mods and the Russians (nice message by the way), shall have a review of their whole work done.

>>45938

TL;DR: You are a good writer good sir, with a couple of possible slip-ups, almost nonexistent real slip-ups and in general a good idea of storytelling. Good job good sir, I hope this gets concluded in a good manner. All the rest of you, read this.

Welcome back, I hope you find this helpful.

As always, I like to start with writing because it’s the door that points the way to the events in a story (and it also allows me to decide how far I take my review process). Luckily you have so little problems it becomes simple to list them and then let you just fix them. Let’s start, shall wer? Note: these are merely examples of the issue, you shall need to find all of them on your own, I‘m no editor.

Dialogues issues (or not)
Well, for starters, let’s start with the only thing that could even be called systemic about your writing errors: your dialogue, which separates itself into three levels of attention and importance. I shall spare you the explanatory note of dialogue, you seem to have a good grasp of it for me to get all nitty gritty with said explanations, so this review shall only address issues individually (although, if in doubt, you can look at my other reviews for my dialogue explanation).

¬Sentences which clearly need a comma (fix this).

>“Child, let me impart this wisdom to you before we move on: You are never lost, so long as you keep moving.” The Captain muttered, his voice still harsh and grating.
Ok, now, unless the captain muttered something after saying that, you need a comma there in order to connect those two sections for obvious reasons.

> “Every cutie mark means something to its bearer. It can’t be earned until you find something you truly live for.” Gale cut in with a far gentler tone, even chuckled to herself.
Same issue here (and a certain number of other places) where the separation between the quote and the action changes the meaning completely or makes it be unclear. Make sure to check.

¬Sentences which might need a comma, but I can’t really tell, mainly because it’s plausible but not necessarily logical or prudent. (Possible need to fix these)

>"I'm... lost." Storm coughed, her voice ragged from sobbing and exposure to the strange air.
I can see her coughing but it seems a bit odd to not put a comma and make it become a speech action verb seeing how you mention her voice on the next sentence even though coughing in the manner you have here (unconnected to speech) has no need for a voice.

>“He’s not my boyfriend.” Spitfire growled through clenched teeth. “I’m a captain with a crew of one, but it’s still a team.”
Same situation, but even weirder. The punctuation is telling us she said that, then proceeded to make a low guttural sound, then continued speaking. Again, not impossible but I can’t help but feel that’s not the intent of the sentence. And if it is, Spitfire is a bit coarser than I would have imagined considering her other actions.

¬Explanatory notes about your dialogue (worth a mentioned if not wrong)
>“I heard you crying.” Spitfire was quick to respond, locking her gaze with the burning gold orbs behind the grate.
This actually rang many bells inside of me because I could never really say “this is wrong and you should not do it” but I couldn’t help feel the need to point it out. Many (and I repeat, many) lines of dialogues are closely followed by a sort of explicatory sentence which, had it not been a dialogue, would have been joined together by a semicolon for effect (and no, semicolons have no business in speech.) Now, this is not wrong in any way or form, but it has happens often enough to make wonder if it’s truly the structure you should use for them. Playing around wouldn’t hurt you on bit. Consider changing that sample sentence to:
Spitfire was quick to respond, locking her gaze with the burning gold orbs behind the grate, “I heard you crying.”

On which the actions are carried out by spitfire in conjunction with the speech rather than being retroactively applied later. Dialogue is all about timing and those explicatory notes, although they do fulfill their purpose, you should not come to rely on the need of the reader to read that sentence and then try to figure out how it’s timed with the speech. Just thought to let you know.

Random issues aka I nitpick

> “You have to think about Mister Shade, here, he came to watch his only son and his favorite mercenary get butchered by your thugs.”
There is a double his, making it plausible for them to be completely different people as the repetition of words of possession is normally use for separate object (his bicycle and his dog) rather than a single one (his favorite car and glory). Eliminate the second his, it will only confuse and occupy space.
Additionally, the order of things is very important and here, the fact that it’s Shader’s son should probably go last for effect. Not an actual correction, just pointing it out.

>Her ears picked up on a heartbeat running along the pipes, some thing coming her way with a broken rhythm.
As a general rule, if you don’t have an idea what it is, it’s something. If you do know what it is (as in, whoever is saying it) then it’s some things. (“I know you know something I don’t.” “Some things are better not shared, even when others are willing to learn.”)

>Her eyes were a dark gold, warm even in the sallow luminescence
Err… call me crazy but I can’t see how the illumination being yellow affect the warmth of the eyes. Of course, it’s your call at the end but I fear this is shallow? I have always envisioned luminescence as something that surrounds rather than illuminate so it might just be personal bias.

>Chilldren
Spellcheck my friend.

>please please please
There are very rare situations where repeated words are allowed without commas (and I am of the camp they should be evaded at all cost) but in this particular case, seeing how it doesn’t fill does special cases, demands a comma divide the repeated words.

>“And what, pray tell, is your particular interest in these gladiators?.”
Check your punctuation.

>and each others’ presence
Each is singular, others is plural. That doesn’t work. Even then, the expression is referring to their personal presence rather than the presence of a group. Thus, it’s each other’s presence.

>I just wanted to say the character limit here is ridiculous.
>> No. 51358
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>>45938

>>51356
And now, for the story (aka, I repeat my previous comments).

Well made, greatly constructed and in general an engaging tale as there can be. I applaud how you are bringing the ponies together into this story (how well do they fit into their original characters is yet to be determined but so far so good). I will admit I smiled when you introduce Jacqueline and was truly fascinated by the sisters as such thing, as far as I know, is completely left field from just about anything. I particularly love how you are managing to create a truly AU world, not just going “x is evil now”, but actually building the world you want to convey: the underbelly description with its tubes, vents and refuse was delicious and let’s not go into the coliseum, which quite frankly collapses the whole mechanics of the world into a single beautiful scene.

As far as the plot is concern, not much has happened to be completely sincere, mainly because you are setting the stage and thus I can’t really seem to find any real breaking points as far as that is concern. I doubt it will really be an issue but it had to be mentioned my rather spare comment about. After all, all events can be simplified to: Storm leaves the security of her camp, causing both Gilda and herself to get separated. This causes Storm to meet the runners and their terrible situation, dragging Carrot Top with her; meanwhile, Gilda gets stuck with the Wonderbolts after being offer to fight at the coliseum and that connects us to Spitfire (all further coming together with the relationship between Spitfire and Derby). Again, not much to work with.

There is one particular scene however that I want you to revise or at least think about: the paragraph separating the preening scene to the dining room. Now, from a literary perspective, I can’t but love this because it truly follows with the notion of her being distracted, lost in thoughts, very much as the reader will find himself. A couple of details are mentioned, their nature and their order not dealt with but rather just acknowledge, and then you suddenly find yourself in the dining with the father talking. Now, that is great, however I can’t but feel that section will make stop reading and have to return back to know how that happened (even though you have already established she indeed lost in thought.) The problem is that there is a loss of motion in that scene, turning Storm into something passive rather than something active; quite simply, Storm doesn’t appear to be doing anything. The mention of the obstacles is quite nice, but those obstacles might as well be on her room for I know and thus don’t provide that mobility. Now, if you had mentioned the various decorations and corridors she passed through, or mentioned that the other ponies where moving in some way, then the motion of the scene is recovered and we can get the notion that she is not just standing there lost in thought but actually moving. This is not really necessary; it’s more of a personal choice I would make to make sure the scene is as clear as possible.

And that is all I got, hope you found this useful.
>> No. 51364
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51364
And With that I believe I have covered the fics in one way or another and thus will not be writing any real reviews for the time being.

After having a last couple of days busy with legal paperwork, ridiculous languages and helpful people, I finally have a source of resveratrol to last me for a good, long time, I finally acquired time again for everything to work as intended.

As for now, after spending the last 10 hours or so (from this post) sleeping on it I have finally concluded I will have to restructure the guide a bit and to start picking up speed with it if I ever want to get it done. In other words, the little I have will have to be modified and much more added. In other words, I'll be busy.

From now on, if you need to speak to me, have a question, have the sudden desire to insult me or anything of the sort, you will only find me available on here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hRMRkovNo3PGsykQSKbLT8r5g6m04WcZfKE4paZ7yDc/edit?hl=en_US

So, with the early rays of the sun, I salute you all and hope you have a good day, let's see if I get to work on this later tonight.
>> No. 59948
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I am just going to announce I shall be accepting fics for at least the next two weeks as a brief rest period from both writing the guide and work in general.

Feel free to post anything. Good day.
>> No. 59951
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>Go and post about how you're no longer really around
>You revive a minute later
Damnit, you have the worst timing >_<
How goes the writing guide, noble Samurai?
>> No. 59957
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>>59948
Good to see you around these parts Samurai, it's been a while.

How are you keeping yourself?
>> No. 59992
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>>59948

Greetings to you Samurai. <bow>
I have committed three Stories based on Ponyhammer crossover idea and I would like you to have a look into them with your wise eye.
Here is link to DA artist who inspired me to do this:
http://sanity-x.deviantart.com/gallery/
I would like also inform you that I’m non-native English speaker.

Story: Ponyhammer. ( ‘Equestria needs YOU’, ‘Before I die’, ‘Blooms in Dust.’)
Categories: [Crossover] [Comedy] [Sad] [Sci-Fi]
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1128JorFEWOHUkTNa9NxEordcLosjbTEY9S-MuZHxxvg/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 59997
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>>59951
I have noticed that is indeed a pattern.
I would desire to say well but between work and family it has been on a standstill for a while and right now I have no confidence in writing into it. I should restart it within the week, but for now it's stopped.

>>59957
For now, with water, exercise and some vitamins.
How about yourself? How are the stories doing (both your own and the collaboration one)?
>> No. 60033
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>>59997
I've been keeping to my best, though the lack of a steady income has been quite the burden.

As for my stories, they're doing well, though I feel I've lost some of my touch as of late. I blame real life worries. Regardless, I continue writing.

I may post on here, but I'm hesitant. We'll see how that goes.

As for the collaboration, that's still on hold till I can write at 110% again. Don't want to write sloppy work for someone else.
>> No. 60034
>>60014
Thanks for the offer

If you have time during your two weeks then it would be great if you could have a look at my 3rd chapter of a story that you've reviewed before.
Be warned it's been about 2 months since I've written anything.

Chapter 3 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ebjvLm048ZPKRPvpJ3N0ATFYe4c9hwbAQUSA3ini4VU/edit?hl=en_GB

Here's chapter 1 and 2 in case you want to refresh your memory on the storyline.

Chapter 1 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VzBXcbQrt3PlaBT_7ofAH7C7Y8H7qWYUCubWUHAzQ5Q/edit?hl=en_GB

Chapter 2 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OCXEZrXVWmVaT9XUbedy8xCKEXk6Uj6E9Wy_YHHKWfo/edit?hl=en_GB

You don't have to do this by any means, as I know that you have a lot to do.
>> No. 61190
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http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/08/story-seven-ponies.html

[Grimdark][Adventure][Crossover?]

___________

Extraordinary circumstances thrust Twilight Sparkle into a world far beyond the reaches of Equestria, into crumbling lands plagued with ruthless warfare and social unrest. Tasked with defending a peasant village from marauding bandits, she must fight not only to save the village, but to also retain her soundness of mind in the torrent of violence. However, she is not alone. Six companions and a telepathic crown will prove their worth in the trials ahead, as a battle for the ages brews in the southern reaches of the oriental nation of Umala.

Loosely based on Akira Kurosawa's classic film, Seven Samurai.

__________

This is still a work in progress, and I already have an editor, so all I really want is a second opinion on how things are coming together. Reaction has been mixed due to some characterizations and changes I've made to the universe. Basically, how's the story looking as a whole so far?
>> No. 61332
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[Shipping]

When Lyra gets a mysterious letter in the mail from an old friend she is forced to face her past. She must face down her regrets or lose the mare she loves forever.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XgEo7TkaobGFIvGHBPqGHNmMqTFFvMKcHfFZxDjMsVM/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 61559
Hello Samurai,

I've been meaning to get around to this post, but I wanted to see if I could squeeze chapter eight in as part of your analysis as well.

Here is the link to the first nine chapters:
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-heart-of-gold-feathers-of-steel.html

and I have sent permissions for chapter eight to your gmail account.

As always, thank you kindly. I patiently await your review, but please, take your time.
>> No. 61729
Good, Good. I could use a reviewer that rips things to shreds. My last review, I believe, was a bit too "nice".

Tags: [comedy][shipping]

Description: When one of Twilight's spells goes horribly wrong, the implications prove disastrous. Her horn is damaged, one of her friends is sorely affected, and the rest of Ponyville may be at great risk. It's now up to Twilight to figure out how to fix everything before it's too late.

Link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/686/Twilight%27s-Horn
>> No. 62610
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/11/story-samurai-twilight.html

Haven't readit, so I'm not sure if it's good, but I figured you might want to takea look.

Also, bump!
>> No. 62615
>>62610
Jack and the Ponies
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-jack-and-ponies.html

Have read it, it's kinda cool.

Also read the first chapter or so of Samurai Twilight. It's interesting, but I can't really make a judgement having read so little.
>> No. 63289
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>>59992

TL;DR: Interesting… errors do exist within your writing but they are so low level nothing major can written about them ( I would literary have to sit down and point them out rather than saying anything is systemic.) As for the stories themselves, well, read further.

Welcome Vilwind, I am pleased to finally see you here. I have seen your activities in the board with great interest. Your writing at times fails you, severely, and thus your stories suffer from that, making most readers not attempt to read beyond. That being said, as I have told others, you show a lot of promise as a writer and, either by being a co-writer with someone with a better grasp of English or simply you improving your own skills, we can expect great (and even epic) things from you and whoever you decide to work with. Sadly these are apparently mostly not your own ideas, or so I understood. Hopefully I shall see more material from you soon enough. Let us get to business, shall we?

Writing wise, these pieces (as they are three sections rather than a single on) extremely short and even in combination they barely break the minimum requirements of EqD, thus I have very little to work with in order to do an official in-depth analysis of your writing and work. That said, the main problem is the fact the errors I did find are subtle ones, not a word was technically misspelled (perhaps incorrect, but again due to the subtle errors rather than actual errors with the words) and thus I can’t comment much other than pointing out the things I did find and listing them, which quite frankly is not really helpful in the long term. I suggest you read this list, the little explanation to them and try to remember them for a future longer piece:

> … Celestia Solar Imperium of Pony.
Celestia’s, as she is the owner of the Imperium. Possession is denoted by the apostrophes and thus the lack of them makes the sentence instead have Celestia not be a person but rather part of the title of the Imperium, which doesn’t make sense.

> Repeat, no haters.
Even within context, this sentence is ambiguous. Who is repeating? The reader watcher and thus technically the reader? The Mare-ine?

> the Dark Pegasus
If I know my Warhammer enough, and I don’t, you are referring to the Dark Angels, which you might notice are plural because they involve more than a single marine rather than a singular marine. Pegasus= Singular, Pegasi= Plural. Please keep this singular-plural disticitin in mind and keep it throughout the rest of your work.

>"Known for their hardiness, the Equestria Iron Hooves, were instrumental in the defense of the Canterlot Palace in the days of the Luna Heresy."
The second comma is wrong because as is you have three subordinate clauses joined together into a single sentence (which you can’t have.) A subordinate clause is any section of text that on its own accord does not provide the full information about who is doing what and when (for example, “,the Equetria Iron Hoovers,” , which doesn’t tell us absolute anything). Removing the second comma in the other hand does lead to a subordinate-independent sentence construction and thus is valid.

> … a Mare-ine in power armor is three times more likely than an Equestria Guardsponies…
Notice the fact you have a singular and a plural acting upon the same action. This is incorrect, it should be Guardspony.

> Everyday
Be careful with words such as these which are two more basic words combined; they do not mean the same as if they were kept separate (in this case every day). Every day= something that happens on all days; Everyday= a common or usual thing. keep this in mind

And such are the kind of your errors: small, noticeable, extremely varied amongst the whole gamut of them, yet subtle and easily fixable as to just require a little attention from a dedicated editor or co-writer so that you end up not making them (or at least noticing them). They are in all the stories and frankly this review would be needlessly long (I don’t do edits as some of the better men and women in this site do).

Now, let look at your stories beyond what is written. I must warn you, you haven’t given me much to work with, the longest one being barely more than 1800 words long. My main issue however is one thing which crossover should try to evade: if I hadn’t dealt with the 40K I would have found myself stopping my reading very soon as you come, gun-ho (I apologize to all English readers if I misused that term), bombarding the reader with information of warhammer, dropping a couple of pony names and hoping the reader can keep up. You can’t do this, and I mean that if any and all crossovers you do three rules must be maintain:

>1.) Which world is being combined with which should be readily apparent for a person reading it.
>2.) The pieces will be presented in an orderly manner which allows for consumption and assimilation of the information within (small sections are allowed to break this if things are explained later in a not encyclopedic manner.)
>3.) The worlds shall be combined and not patch-worked, leading to a seamless connection between both rather than just an exchange of terms from one to the other.

So, how did you do with this?
>> No. 63290
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>>63289

>>59992

Story #1: Equestria needs YOU.

In very simple words, this isn’t a story per se but more of an introduction to something much, much greater. In one thousand, eight hundred, seventy-six words you introduce dozens of world concepts, various plot points, an unhealthy amount of jargon and have a pony called Vince (which, despite my translation and linguistics resources, can’t seem to find anything which could justify it under pony nomenclature unless his complete name is Vincere and you keep using latin terms). In short, this sections fails the points above for the fact that it’s too short for you to get what exactly is going on and instead you are left with more questions than answers from reading as nothing is well established in any shape or form. How do I know its pony and Warhammer? Thankfully a couple of less technical terms (Celestia Solar Imperium of Pony being a good example) allow us to see which worlds are being crossover and thus the first is somewhat established. Could someone without previous knowledge actually say he got all this? Overloading the reader with so many things makes us uncheck this, perhaps they will know you are amidst a gigantic war but they have no idea to know this is different to, say, Starcraft (which for a long time, before reading further, were incorrectly misidentified by myself in multiple occasions). The third? You grabbed a ponies and placed them on the Warhammer universe, nothing more. I didn’t get any build-up as to how that fit’s with the characters of the show, how does it fit into their universe, if this is an alternative universe, etc. In other words, the short length and density of information is doing this no favors. As an introduction to a massive fifty-chapter epic detailing the adventures of a pony which travels around the Imperium and finds all of these? Good. As its own short story? People won’t care because they aren’t given enough to care.

Also, mainly because it’s not really an analysis of the story per se as I have to little to go on by, but the usage of such terms as Haters, Brony and other similar terms made me immediately cringe for no other reasons that it refers to the fan-base rather than the show itself. Nice as this can be, but unless your story is an allegory of the events that happen on the internet, where ponies are conquering the internet and the forces of /b/ are trying to destroy it while others simply go around bashing pony fans for fun I would suggest you reduce their use to zero or make the story I described

Story #2: Before I die

Remember all the things I said above? Make them even worse and you get my story assessment of this. How I know there are ponies involved? Canterlot, colts, fillies, Luna, Princess, Sister, Celestia; otherwise known as about 2% of all the words of the whole story relating to things that even be identified as pony. What is worse, I just need to exchange those words out and I get the unfiltered 40K, which is a bad sign for a crossover. This isn’t a short story, it’s not even a scene; there is too little information, too little involvement from the other fandom and in general a general lack of reason of why I should care for it.

Story #3: Blooms in the Dust

For lack of better words, this was beautiful. Certainly enough it still suffers from the fact that the combined world that goes with it is still a bit sketchy, but so much less so than the others for many reasons: there aren’t any not pertinent elements added which require more explanation, such as Discord, the Rubric of Trixie and the creation of these animated armors; the events all go from point A to point B within said world without leaving the reader wondering what came from where unnecessarily; the mood of one side kept in touch with the other, Trixie’s action and this development would fit nicely into FiM while the whole animated armor with the horrible eternal fate is quite nice in the 40K universe where it was extracted from (although the pony element was still a bit too small). What does this mean? Point two is kept while the other two are maintained enough to make this be the very first one to be receive my approval as a short story. Apart from correcting some of the sentences in this and perhaps expanding just a tad about their life together, there isn’t much to be gain from modifying this. The impact is truly in the briefness of it all and the true scale of which it occurs: hundreds of years passed between the peaks, their events no more than a couple minutes each, yet however their importance is all that matters, transcending the horrible curse which time and fate represent. Bravo.

As said before, there is very little for me to work with, something which you probably already know. The first two are not really short stories for the reasons mentioned above, but I truly enjoyed that last piece. In general, my only fear is that these stories aren’t FiM related enough, as you are mostly just making the 40K universe have ponies instead of humans, and Discord instead of Tzeentch. When you crossover a universe you have to make sure they are equally represented and right now I am not seeing that at all or very clearly. Think of how to make parallels between both worlds and drive those connection further (Celestia as a desiccating corpse doesn’t follow from my observations of FiM for example) or if you so not desire at least make sure the characters develop naturally from the world you are removing them from (don’t make Pinkie Pie be a beacon of happiness when she is whipped and abused daily for example, actually make her environment allow for such a thing). This is all I can do for now.

And that’s all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 63306
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TL;DR: This story has so many low level errors I marked a good deal of it, but luckily they are so unimportant I didn’t stop reading. In addition to that, this reads like a report rather than actual narration, with so much telling I don’t get too much of a show.

Greetings my friend and welcome to the wonderful world of writing, I am here to guide you through and hopefully make you reach to whichever highs you which to reach. As always, there are two fractions we must deal with: the writing, key to the message beyond its mere combinations of words and symbols; the message, the distillation of the plot, characterization and tone. Let us begin with the first one, shall we?

I’m going to be frank you, your writing needs a lot of work or at least it needs you to take the time and revise what you have done, because I found myself finding all sorts of minor errors that, while they didn’t affect the understanding of what was written (although at times I was slapped in the face by some sentence which jumped around so many thing it stopped making sense), are too noticeable for you not to fix in case you find yourself with an audience which willing to set it aside that easily (and I assure you, there will be plenty of those.) I can’t say for certain if it is the lack of revision, ignorance towards those rules, simply not having a word processor or the many other possible reasons, but in this case I found myself finding the very same errors, over, and over and over again. The next are mere examples, with explanations as to why, for you to understand, go find all of them on your own, and then learn not to do such mistakes.

-Capitalization of proper names:

A simple rule were taught in English is that proper names need to be capitalized. Why do we do this? In all languages the notion noun remains the same regardless of who or what the object in question is, as there is no special rules dedicated to things considered to be who’s and not what’s. So, when you are face with the situation of having to differentiate between twilight, the even which separates day and night, and Twilight, a purple talking horse, it’s established that you should capitalize Twilight because it refers to a who and the noun get the distinction of being a proper noun. Proper nouns are thus the way we are capable of recognizing the personhood (or at least the distinction from just a general population of) a certain object and we cannot forget them, less we confuse the reader. So why do I bring this up?

>Big macintosh and applebloom were still asleep.
>"Dash im so glad youre awake!" aj yelled she ran up to her friend and gave her a hug.
> When she reached the ponyville hospital three hours later, dash's heartbeat was still beating strong.

These are three separate instance where you failed to capitalize proper nouns spread out through the piece so you can see this is not a problem located just a couple of chapters in. I mean, there are barely any instances of the proper names of anything this whole work being capitalized (and most the ones that were capitalized happen to be the first word of the sentence, so there is another rule in play as well). How bad is this problem? There are 41 instance of I in your work, out of which 40 of them were capitalized, and this doesn’t not include all the contractions like the one the second sentence here. Names of characters, pronouns which should be capitalized, alternative names of characters (AJ or Aj for instance), names of locations rather than their description (Ponyville, Sweet Apple Acres, Monticello instead of town, house, etc.), all of these have been left uncapitalized for the most part and as a reviewer I could help but notice how incredibly widespread this is. Fix it.

-Contractions, where are thou?

Quick, don’t read after the question mark until you answer the next question or sincerely say you don’t know; what is the punctuation mark use to denote contractions? If you were capable of answering this, then I can call you sloppy; if you weren’t capable of answering this and still read on, I can call you ignorant. Don’t take either as insult, they are just the things I can conclude after seeing how in this whole text most of the contractions involved are incorrect (or rather, nonexistant).

>"come on dash yall arent runnin out a prakns now are ya?" she said this without even looking around.
An old friend
>"Dash im so glad youre awake!" aj yelled she ran up to her friend and gave her a hug.

I’m giving you only two example not because I couldn’t find more, but because in order to put in the other examples I would have had to add sentences of incredible length (but more on that later). The apostrophe is an interesting punctuation mark due to its limited scope and very well defined function: it reduces the amounts of letters to be written, almost like a placeholder of sorts. So, I were to say you are I can simply reduce it to you’re, eliminating the need for a grand total of 1 word, which might not seem like much but this reduction and joining causes the meaning of the words to be well defined (in addition to saving time and symbols). Thus, the lack of apostrophes causes serious issues with anything that its written (just keep in mind the error I just did to the left) as it changes the meaning and correctness of the words. You have a large disregard for this notion (except perhaps in the cases of possession, and even there you have errors at times) that widespread I could count the instances this was done correctly using my fingers. If you are aiming for a contraction, please proceed to make sure that the apostrophe is actually there.

This is a serious issue, beyond simply the fact that a missing apostrophe can change a contraction into a completely different word, beyond the fact that it makes many of the words simply not make sense, even beyond the fact that this is not an arcane mistake (at least, not the ones you presented me.) the usage of contractions to denoted a southern way of speech is not to be use willy-nilly, especially if you do not have an idea of what said contractions mean: y’all is not use for anything else other than groups, if you are dropping a letter from a word you must put an apostrophe, such are the rules made in order for it to make grammatical sense (after all, the apostrophe is an manner of omitting letters rather than omitting sounds.) What does this all mean? First I want you to use the apostrophe in all these cases, then I want you to see AJ’s speech and start reworking her speech so that her accent is not some butchered and unrealistic one. Do you desire to use it? Then I suggest you go read it elsewhere rather than just thinking a couple of southernism will do the trick, and can notice this is the case because of the almost completely apostrophe barren document in question.

Please heed this, as this also amongst the greatest issues you have in your text, widespread throughout every single page.
>> No. 63307
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>>63306

-Assorted others

There is a point in a writers time, let it be a career or a hooby, were his mistakes are of such a widespread nature he surprises himself just a couple of months later when he revises his first work. Here is a running list of some of the more odd errors with perhaps corrections and explantions, but at times I am not even sure where to begin to correct.

> She nestled into the branches letting her mane and tail be a soft cushion she laid her head down on the rustling leaves and listened to the quiet scene and drifted off to sleep.
Trick question: Did she lay down he head on the cushion of hair or on the leaves or place the cushion of hairs on the leaves? And why aren’t there any commas in this sentence to separate he two different actions of nestling into the branches and letting her hair do… whatever it is that it’s doing?

Simply put, this doesn’t make too much sense (as do many other sentences). The usage of commas to separate related but distinct things is ignored here, rendering whatever message was supposed to be conveyed lost. My attempt at rewriting this:

> She nestled into the branches, laid her head down on the rustling leaves, letting her mane and tail become a soft cushion, listened to the quiet scene and drifted off to sleep.


>"Why thas mighty nice of you", but well need to get twilight to do that cloud walkin spell thingy. Applejack said.

> She said to aj "you know this is like a picture its so perfect and a pictures worth a thousand words but those word are worthless just like me unless theres somepony to listen, to me this picture is worth absolutely nothing."

> Yeah i s'pose youre right, but i dont wanna think bout that till mornin. Lets just go sleep on a cloud together."
If you ask anyone here, I am a dialogue Nazi (although perhaps my normally quite tone doesn’t really convey it) and seeing your dialogues at times could just make me wonder what in the world was going on. Consider that first sentence, were the quotation mark is in the middle of the sentence, not missing (like is the case with the third one), not used unnecessarily, but right in the middle of a dialogue which you end up putting a period instead of a comma, rendering everything there completely and totally illogical. Correct placement of punctuation marks within dialogue is essential for understanding stories because they are the one that define how is the dialogue in question supposed to be taken as. In here, if the punctuation was the only one thing to be considered, all that was said was "Why thas mighty nice of you", (which has the comma in the wrong place to boot) and the rest is said by… the narrator? Spirits? Someone? These three dialogues are merely one amongst many others which have serious errors and need to be corrected for full comprehension, or simply do not follow normal and widespread dialogue conventions (for example, second one is missing the comma after AJ and doesn’t have you capitalized as it should.)

Here is the shortened General Theory of Quotes:

>What is a quote? A quote is a piece of text outside of the current one which is use to expand, clarify, introduce or just in general join together various levels of writing.

>[Omitted section]

>So, now, let’s strike the very first and most rule heavy section of all quotes: dialogues. What is a dialogue? The speech of the characters involved is the generally the most common answer, but it’s not enough to fully understand and write dialogues. How do I define dialogues? A dialogue is any piece of speech that is not directed towards the main receiver of the message. What does that even mean? It means that whenever someone or something talks and it doesn’t directly address the entity who is supposed to receive the message (in the case of books, the reader), it must be place upon quotation marks and treated as such.

>[Omitted section]

>Now that we have delved into all the possible subtleties of this, let us then start working what does it mean that dialogues exist outside of the work and punctuations define how they are received by posting the basic function of all dialogues:

>“(DialogueI-)#”/ action %/“(-DialogueII)&”

>Dialogue is of course whatever you are bring into this level of reading (what a character said to another character) and the - is supposed to represent the fact those two must be connected to each other. In other words, if we were to ignore the fact that DialogueI and DialogueII are quotes we should be able to put them together into a single sentence or at the very least make them be connected to a single speaker. This is important, as you must remember quote exists in another level from you and thus their inner punctuation needs nor follow what happens outside its theoretical parenthesis. In this way, we establish the meaning of DialogueI, DialogueII and -. Action in the other hand is exactly what it states: it’s the action related to that section of dialogue, let it be because it describes the dialogue (who and how he said it) or because it happens concurrently with the speech or immediately afterwards (cutting a pineapple while describing the knife, placing the helmet of the husband on while saying the last good-byes). There is a great deal flexibility with the action section, making it be open to just about anything you desire to place, just as long as it keeps its connection to the quote.

>Next are the symbols #, % and &. The purpose of these is very simple, they are placeholders for a series of punctuations, namely ? , !, . and finally the , , all which are used to defined flow of the text [for the purpose of this guide the symbols ellipsis, dash or colon are being ignored until later] and bring out the meaning. The obvious ones are of course the question and exclamation mark, which are used for questions and exclamation and thus are pretty flexible upon their placement and follow ups. The comma and the period however are a bit more defined into what happens upon their placement and the / are there to help us understand. I used the / to separate the different sections of the general function of dialogues because each of them can exist independently of each other: the first quote needs not of the action section to be a quote, it’s just left on its own accord as long as it’s clear who is speaking; the action section needs not of the quote to exist as long as it makes sense on its own, it’s just another sentence; likewise, the second quote needs not of the other sentence for exactly the same reasons as the first. However, you can still join them together, all depending upon your usage of commas. Why? A comma within the context of dialogues works as the glue that holds the quote and non-quote sections together, rather than separating as it normally does, allowing the two sections to interact with each other within the same text (remember that the quote is technically outside of the text) and make the necessary connections. Whenever you want to add a section of the function, a comma is required; whenever you want to stop a sentence at a particular section then a period is required. As long as such rules are followed, the constructs:

>“(DialogueI-)#”

>“(DialogueI-)#” action.

> Action, “(-DialogueII)&”

>“(DialogueI-)#” action,“(-DialogueII)&”

>“(DialogueI-)#” action,“(-DialogueII-)&” action, “(-DialogueIII)&”
(valid as it might be, it’s generally good practice to limit oneself to example 4 in all but the rarest scenarios.)
>> No. 63309
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>>63306
>>63307

>Are all perfectly valid and correct, leading to a greater flexibility upon how you present your dialogues. You might have noticed that the symbols # and & persist even when making these sentence and there is a good reason for this: the symbol # can be either be an ending or pause (defined by periods or commas respectively) and use a question mark or an exclamation mark in there when it make sense without breaking any rules, same rules apply as though they had remained periods or commas. The & also offers similar liberties, being in function the same as # but generally not being capable of functioning as pause for anything. The % then is can be solely a period or a comma, depending on the fact if there is a next section or not.

>In other words, as a small reminder: # can be (? ! . , ); the & is normally only (? ! . ); and the % is only (. ,). Other rules are also in existence but are derive from the notions above.

>[Further Sections omitted]


-I walked to my house vs. I crossed the street, jumping between cars and arrive at by porch

Show don’t tell, one of the basic rules of all non-technical writing. Now, let us see how you did:

> Dash awoke to the sound of somepony swimming playfully in the water. She looked up groggily from her nap, she looked up to see applejack. She spread her wings and she flew just above the cloudline, she dived through the clouds towards the unsuspecting pony. She stopped before she hit the water, she simply went up and tapped her friend on the shoulder then flew the opposite way she was going to look, aj had fallen for this trick before, but she had grown to recognize dash's tricks. "come on dash yall arent runnin out a prakns now are ya?"
> Dash plummeted through a tree the branches braking her fall but her head skipped on a branch and she felt something slipping from her grasp, something very important she didnt know what, and she blacked out before hitting the ground,(most creatures though injured mortally can die while concious that is simply through pain, so you could say do anything save stop your heart, cut off blood flow, or snap your neck)


> Dash had just brought applejack home, and then promptly had her heart ripped out. She had flown off without another word. She spent however long she didnt know she cried until she could shed no more tears, she yelled her frustration at the sky till she lost her voice, and most of all she missed her friend so much her heart pained her. She stayed in her house grieving herself for several days only coming down to get food from the town. Her lavender eyes were bloodshot, her head and heart were constantly throbbing. She once heard the voice of the pony who had done this to her and she blatantly said "your honesty only gave me heartache," and she almost told her to go rip out somepony elses heart. But she saw aj start to cry and flutter the weak wings that dash had given her.

I am going to stop here and tell you what is wrong. Stories are a fickle thing, especially interesting stories. If history teachers (or at least, their curricula) have taught of something, there isn’t anything less engaging than having a person go through a list of events without no build-up, context, flavor or anything else to bring interest to them other than the possibility of a great tale hidden behind vapid words. Collapsing a long series of events into a mere paragraph? Check. Listing out the events rather than describing them (in addition to overusing pronouns even when the sentences refer to a single person)? Check. As a matter of fact, you failed to show pretty much everything in this story in favor of telling me what happened in the story, killing any and all impact it could have on the reader.

Many people will have different explanations for this rule, but for me it goes down to a simple and easy to remember fact: should whatever you are trying to bring attention to be described directly, you are telling rather than showing. Is the story about how you learn to ride a bike? You must tell me about your difficulties you face while learning how to ride said bike; you must describe the bike, the road and yourself, all in a way for I to see the those things so what you are trying to tell me is a composite of events and descriptions rather than textual sentences; finally, you must bring out the manner upon which you reacted, not how felt, but rather if your body was tired, your mind was heavy, your stomach was filled with butterflies, did you think it was all not worth it, etc. Show me the cave you went in with your friends and caught the yeti, don’t tell me you caught the yeti in a cave.

And at this crossroad I leave you my friend. The errors within this document are plentiful, if not to severe, and the manner that it is written is dull, if not completely irrelevant. Before I can actually do a review of your concepts (some of which might need a second look such as shattered muscles, plus perhaps a better easing in of the actual premise and other details) I need you to take a close look at your writing, take the time to read other well-known stories, within or outside the fandom, and notice how the write. I promise you I shall help you every step of the way (and beyond) but sadly, as a general rule if the writing itself is flawed there is no point in actually doing the second part. I can see where this is going, I can almost feel the story, but alas, anything I do would be my impression of what is here rather than actual story.

Heed my advice, keep writing and please return, I want to see how far away we are from each other’s vision (and how much better yours probably is.)

And that’s all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 63311
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>>63289
>>63290
Thank you Samurai. Your wise insight into my stories is a great inspiration for me. I value your opinion very much and I hope it will lead me to finally crating a MLP fanfic. with will be liked and renown among Pony fandom.

I hope that next work of my, you will be reviewing will have your approval.

Once again thank you. <bow>
>> No. 63392
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Hey hey, here's my fic - I was told to post it in this thread too.

Anyone can give it a read - it should be clean for grammar / spelling, I just want to know if the plot and dialogue works! Thanks.

~Tamar
>> No. 63407
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I've already gotten a couple of reviews on this and fixed it up a bit, but I would still like you to give me some feedback anyway, if you don't mind. It's supposed to be the first part of an action-oriented sad/background story centered on Luna. Thanks!

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11iPwDcuy4wIgAPwevOASk96UZtR8PfQQlMYFljF9aKA/edit
>> No. 66879
Could you please go over this, and tell me what you think please? It's a work in progress, but I'd still like to hear some feedback.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2034/Omnius%27s-Travels%3A-Equestria
>> No. 66927
>>66920
Hello again, Samurai. This chapter is somewhat quick and dirty, but it is written and waiting for a review from your discerning eye.

Best of fortune in your endeavors.
>> No. 66950
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Greetings to you all.
As you might have noticed, there hasn't been any updates within quite a long time and I admit it is simply because other, more urgent, importat and/or interesting things have been happening the last few weeks (no rest for the wicked they say).

As such, I hope to have all reviews for works of less than 40k words done by tonight, seeing how much of the preliminary work is done and it's just in need of typing. If you have updated some of your recently however, do let me know, as plugging in the new material into the review is easy if albeit requiring some extra time. Redudant advice at times is useful, and I do love redundancy, but in this case it's completely unnecessary and I would like to prevent it.

So now, today is a free day, I have no appointments I can recall, I am no longer administrating the water supply, people have learned they, in fact, do not need me to make every single decision and my "distractions" are sadly not present. I think that sounds like a good combination of elements, so let us get to work.

But for now, one that is finished.
>> No. 66951
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TL;DR: The suffers over-usage of the same word on multiple occasions; some quite serious information, if not plot-events, organizational issues; a constant swinging to hard-telling that removes flow from the story; some small issues with punctuation (semicolons, were are thou / commas or even dashes to separate similar words) and capitalization. Story-wise? I believe the piece has potential for more impact but more dwelling and actual interaction is in order in order to make this shine.

Greetings my friend, welcome to your review. As always I shall begin first with what is written (how you presented your story) and then into your story if I manage to get a good look at what laid beyond. Prepare yourself.

Your writing, my goodness, your writing. There is a point in every single review I do where it’s more about the way it’s presented than what is presented. Joining words together to get the message across in a good and effective manner is essential for my reviews and on of the reasons why I take so long; an unclear review is worthless. The good thing is that this carries with just any text you can imagine, writing being the door that opens the world to others and grips them, so failure at this level dooms the piece from the beginning. In your case, your writing suffers none of the problems of most mortals do: Wrong words? Don’t be silly. Dialogue confusions? Too few to matter. Problems of a similar nature? Nope, not consistently enough to warrant my attention. That is not to say there aren’t problems with the writing, but one small issue is a subtle and obnoxious mechanical concept while the rest are stylistics. Let’s see what I mean. Note: I do not edit.

The semicolon
Quick, what do these sentences have in common?
> She had probably lost the one pony in Ponyville who had really been her friend, the only thing that would bring her back was her house.
> Lyra couldn’t stay here, she pushed the door open and galloped as fast as she could.
> It didn’t take long for her to feel the effects of the potent drink, within minutes she had gone from her usual hyper state to one of complete chaos

For sake of experiment, place a period instead of the comma and judge if you are left with two complete and logical sentences. You are? Good, because chances are that means you need a semicolon. A semicolon is an interesting punctuation mark because of the many rules attached to them and how those very same rules are endlessly ambiguous and easily misunderstood. However, the fact is a semicolon is extremely easy to use, once you forget rules and just think of it conceptually: a semicolon is a way of joining two clauses which could exist on their own accord but one desires to connect them directly; in other words, is a method to do a comma splice while still technically not doing so (a period and a comma combined you see) or simply reducing the comma coefficient of a sentence.

The first usage has no real science behind it, you just make sure you have two independent clauses you want to coordinate and run with them. Easy way of testing this is to use periods to separate the sentence segments you want to join and seeing if they still work. If they do, a semicolon is in order and the usage of a comma will not do in any way, shape or form (as you have a comma splice) and must be changed accordingly. Something to keep in mind is that for the purposes of semicolons, an independent-dependent clause structure can be considered as a single clause and therefore separated accordingly. In other words, sentences such as “Amidst the dead, humanity is forced to face the fear of the infinite and the end of its existence; fighting the urge to simply crumble turning into an eternal fight against the void.” is not only permissible, the usage of the semicolon should be encourage as to make sure the connection between both segments is maintained. Or to put it simply, you can use commas for each segment, just make sure those commas make sense and that the semicolon acts more like a period than comma in this situation.

The second usage is not really present in the text but it’s always worth remembering: when dealing with sentences, one active comma (a comma place for function rather than listing) is ok, two is pushing it and three is a crowd. Using this, one must restructure sentence to make sure they have the least amount of commas possible and one of said methods is to simply use semicolons to separate between related compound sentence segments. Say you list a series of persons and their country of origin, between each should be a semicolon in order to allow for easier understanding and reducing the amount of commas.

Endless Repetition, the Idiotic Reader and You
One of the main issues some people have is trusting their readers will be able to remember simple concepts as the story goes along, yet believe they can keep track of overarching plot ideas and threads. The act of trusting that your reader will not go off and misunderstand everything is one a reader cannot really do, the language and interpretations being such as subjective thing at the end. Reinforcement is ok and needed, in particular with plot central concepts, but doing so with the words themselves is just painting the reader as an idiot and not really helping the advancement of the story in any shape or form. Case point?
> Lyra tried to arrange a few tentative concerts but ultimately only succeeded in making several contacts in the industry. Normally she would have been ecstatic about such valuable contacts, but it had been months since her last show.
You just told me they were her contacts, repeating they are her contacts doesn’t help me.
>Lyra made it to the carriage just before it left. Most of Rarity’s friends were already in the carriage. Rarity greeted Lyra and ushered her into the carriage so they could leave.
Carriage, carriage, carriage. I believe I do now know for a fact they are traveling in a carriage, or perhaps it’s not a carriage and you are insisting upon the fact to trick me (the reader) into believing there is a carriage while there is not, making this work attempt to transcend beyond mere literature and make me question the reality itself that Lyra’s experiences. An unnecessary repletion or philosophical argument? You decide.

These are just some examples which didn’t require me to cobble up many sentences close by, at times they are widely spread out across a single region, repeating the same concept multiple times for no real benefit. Is her tongue burned? And you just said it a line before? It’s safe to assume the person won’t think the tongue magically healed back and is now unburnt. When you repeat works like this you aren’t creating reinforcement, you are doing the literary equivalent of stammering and for some people this will be obnoxious enough to simply stop putting attention (because, lo and behold, it seems like you are treating your reader as an idiot). I have a general rule: if you say a word within a paragraph or sentence group, you shouldn’t repeat it again unless absolutely necessary. What does this mean? If there is no movement from part of the attention of the narrator I should do that which I have in top. Removing the “such valuable contacts” for a simple “it” results in the same message being given, less words being use and a clearer sentence be written. Be in the lookout for this and rework your sentences so that you do not keep parroting the same message so many times the reader just stops in frustration, and trust me, some of them will.
>> No. 66952
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Tell me by you want by showing, show me want you want when needed and clarify only when it becomes relevant.

Look at this:
>She trotted to her usual tree overlooking Ponyville, but instead of looking to relax today, she would start relearning the song she had chosen. She sat under the tree and looked at the blank front of the binder. She hadn’t bothered to label any of her songs from music school. Her filing system was unusual to say the least but she knew it by heart. She had it organized by composer and date. This particular song was one of the later ones written by Ponygang Mozart. It wasn’t until the sun started to set that Lyra stopped playing; she still had to sleep and there was plenty of time to practice.

>Lyra’s days went from lackadaisical to regimented. She practiced incessantly, but she still managed to meet Bon Bon every Friday for their usual dinner. She had told Bon Bon that she had gotten a ticket to the Gala from an old friend. Bon Bon was happy for her, but had to force a smile when Lyra told her that there was only one ticket. Lyra picked up her dress and travel arrangements when Rarity sent word that it was done. She spent the rest of the month practicing and waiting for the Gala to come. Still she made time for her dinners with Bon Bon on Fridays, but Lyra became more reclusive as she focused more on her music.

Much has been said about show and tell; a story which tells more than it shows is bound to be uninteresting because what interest people are not overarching events but rather the minutiae which go into their completion. If the message I want to tell if “I like cooking” then my writing must show this by making me talking about cooking, thinking about cooking, lamenting about how I have no money to cook, etc. Show and tell is not just a rule dealing with description; it’s a rule dealing with information and delivery itself. It’s not good enough to make a text more flowery and more detailed, you must keep in mind what you are trying to tell the reader and then show him that through the actions and feelings of your characters. The whole second paragraph is a whole lot of telling, not quite a lot of showing and frankly not quite that interesting. Extending it is not even required (although I do have a something more to say about this from a story perspective); simply dealing with the way that both reacted to this sudden change of pace and the events in between would have done the showing component without many more words. As is, I am thrown events and nothing much to show for it, which is something I saw in other parts of the text. Reread and consider if you are just telling me what you want to tell me rather than using what is shown to convey the message.

It also bears to be mentioned another problem I notice with the writing itself: out of place information. The description of her organizational scheme is a very nice touch, but what purpose it serves right here that meaning and possible symbolism is not lost, but the context for said information is what is going to make it matter and keep flow. Had you shown us her look through her music sheets, remembering her times as a student and the origin of the song, then it wouldn’t be a problem; we have context for that specific point and therefore we can weave it into a larger narrative. However, as it is, it’s just thrown out there, perhaps hoping we keep it in mind for future reference (if it ever comes to that). It’s almost even worse than the line “Of course Octavia had graduated at the very top of the bassists, but Lyra wasn’t such a good student and had been 8th chair in her class of lyrists, even though she had the talent to be the first chair.”, which also delivered like a side comment by the author than actually brought into play in one way or another (and what is worse, this specific fact is not even mentioned again, ever.) Delivery of information requires the information be release in such a way there is context for that information, it doesn’t look shoehorn in (aka, I was just old about it) and its use later. If any of this cases aren’t delivered upon, then you might want to rethink your lines and reorganize, giving them the proper place and attention they deserve.and how exactly are we supposed to know this or use this knowledge when we are in fact reading your story? Giving the reader all the possible information he can is always a good idea so

Both of these issues go hand in hand throughout your text, the delivery of information proper suffering because you are telling far more than you should and then attaching related information. This will require quite a lot of reworking to fix, but the results will be quite satisfactory. There is one more issue to deal with before this is a certainty though: the actual story rather than the writing in your story. Let’s go for a second dive then.
>> No. 66953
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To lay bare the inner workings of your story as I see it:
>Lyra loves Octavia due to their time living together so many years ago.
>Bon Bon loves Lyra because of all the time they have spent together in Ponyville.
>Octavia had the same feelings as Lyra for unspecified reasons.

Ok, these are the basic components of your story and all other events come or flow from this. This is important to know as it tells us where to put emphasis and were attention is unimportant. You decided then to use these components to write the next story:
1.)Lyra and Bon Bon interact in their normal fashion.

2.)Lyra receives a note where Octavia wishes to meet her and sent her a ticket to the Gala, making Lyra obsess with meeting her and letting her know of her feelings.

3.)Build-up to the Gala.

4.)The moment of revelation that Bon Bon has believed for a long time they are in a relationship

5.)Lyra goes to the Gala, hoping to meet Octavia, doubts over what will happen with Bon Bon and thus Octavia slowly eating her away.

6.)Meeting, acceptances of terms and mutual understanding of similar goals.

Cut, curtains and left hanging with possibilities of the future. Good job. Now let us see how each of these points were handled and my problems with them:
1.)This section is not being used properly. It’s very nice to see them act like this, but the notion that Bon Bon would think they are in a relationship needs to be explored more and deepen to be more convincing. Make Bon Bon be more playful with Lyra, make Lyra sound more shy and slightly dejected, if albeit happy to see Bon Bon. Make so that the rest of town believe this too, and make sure to make it clear that Bon Bon is just letting Lyra have her space in their “relationship”. In less words, make the notion of relationship between them be clearer.

2.)This section I have no problem with this section, although perhaps showing more of the excitement versus fear of Lyra would be suggested, more thoughts peppering the whole dress situation and her walk there wouldn’t kill it, just be sure the deal with this internal conflict.

3.)You give this two paragraphs. This needs more, much more, in particular the interaction between both of them as time passes by and Bon Bon begins to notice how the relationship she had on her head might not be quite the one they have, Lyra becomes ever more worried about the events and her practice and in general just add more to the going to the climax. Inflate your balloon before popping it.

4.)This right here is the setting of the beginning to the end. As far as Lyra is concerned, now she is facing two opposite sides of the coin: in one, one where she has Bon Bon wanting something more than friend; the other, where she has Octavia rejecting her advances and just wanting to be friend. This is a large scene and should be treated as such. Right now, the scene is sufficient but, because it lacks the build-up to it, lacks the necessary weight it should carry. Depending on the dealing of the previous point, it can remain unchanged or need to be modified.

5.)Very well, this works but requires a more show than is currently being done. I want to see Lyra fidget, I want to see her be in awe of the mare of her adoration, I want to feel her fear over her becoming Octavia’s Bon Bon. She is in a rut, she has been betting on this meeting ever since she knew it was coming and has been shown the effects of rejection and pain. This is not going to be a certain Lyra, she is going to be fighting it all the way down: worrying about Bon Bon, while worrying about herself, while worrying about Octavia. Use the party and her exploration of Canterlot to show this.

6.)And then Octavia said yes and everything was ok. That is a bit underwhelming to say the least, a bit too eager at worst. The transition to it is plausible at best, but underuses what you have been playing with all through the story: fear and self-doubt. Octavia is successful, Lyra is barely making it through; Octavia has a future, Lyra does not. What does this mean? Going for a walk around a garden to find Octavia saying yes is a bit too convenient, especially since we get no hints of these feelings from Octavia in the conversation or in the flashbacks. A good roommate of compatible gender loves does not result, it’s a matter of progression and trust and such thing is conveyed by actions and language. Spending time with Lyra at nights helping and worrying about her? Well, that does not necessarily means anything, but you as the writer must convey it. Right now, Octavia’s sudden acceptance sounds too much like Barry White suddenly coming into scene and saying “AND NOW, LOOOOOOOOVVEEEE” with that deep voice only he can manage to do. Give it some time after the gala, with Lyra on her house with no visitors and worrying she just indeed lost Octavia and Bon Bon. Whatever happens from this point? It’s up to you really. Is Octavia going to come there on her own accord? Guided by a reluctant Bon Bon? A letter for a future meeting where she reciprocates and wants to see her? A scene where Bon Bon visits her, trying to comfort her, her pain clear due to the fact chances are she will never have her and, right now, Lyra believe she will never have Octavia? Go bonkers, experiment, attack our guts.
Finally, I want to deal with this little segment:
> Lyra was lying peacefully under the tree. From her spot on the top of the hill overlooking Ponyville, she could see everypony going about their business. This was her daily business. Every day she came out to this tree around midday and played her lyre. She made it a point to keep in practice with her lyre. Although she had never been the best musician, Lyra loved nothing more than a few quiet hours to sit and play.

>It had only been two hours and she had already played all the songs she could think of today, so she just lay back and relaxed in the warm sunlight, slowly drifting off to sleep.

> Lyra didn’t wake up until hours later. Slowly looking around, Lyra bolted to her feet, with only one thought on her mind. Damn it! I’m late! Bon Bon is going to be so mad. She galloped as fast as she could to the café where an annoyed Bon Bon would be expecting her.

Generally, when one begins a story, one should aim to begin with an action and then work backwards to explain why was she there. Consider using the third segment as a beginning and then, as you show us her running, tells about why is she on that tree and that she is running because she is late, using the scene of the café to establish all this on its own. This not only brings a conflict directly into your hands (Lyra will be late after oversleeping), it catches the attention of the reader with movement and thus makes the mind eye of the reader follow along. This would be a stronger opening and would allow you to start on the right showing foot.

And that’s all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 66957
>>66950
I'm currently changing some of the latest chapter for the other side of the rainboom. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AwHEiVK75DY2Fv3KeejU-7lTtl504P3JJGZBFrJmokU/edit?hl=en_GB

Just though that I'd say so that you know for when you look at mine.
>> No. 66982
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66982
>>66957
Ah, I only review up to chapter 3.

I shall post the review up that chapter and add chapter 4 to the queue.
>> No. 66991
>>66982
Oh, I forgot that you were doing chapter 3. Thanks
>> No. 67076
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67076
TL;DR: Wordiness, hit and miss with the dialogue punctuation (and the thoughts too), unnecessary pauses between dependent and independent clauses, some very weird but consistent spacing issues between words and punctuations (extra spaces, missing spaces, misplaced spaces), inconsistent spaces between paragraphs and many other less systemic and/serious errors. As far as the story is concerned, with three chapters I can fully and completely say I can’t muster myself to care about this Michael of yours, who up to now hasn’t really brought up anything to bear except perhaps being the cause of all these problems. This needs a solution, and soon.

Welcome back, hope the results of what you see here are worth your time, so let’s gets started shall we? As matter of course, if there has been too long a lull between the times I have reviewed your work, I reread the whole text and make an evaluation of it as a whole. Here is what came out.

As always, let us begin with your writing and well, the results aren’t pretty:

Random spacing issues, random spacing issues everywhere
Let us start with something simple, yet inexplicable as far as I’m concerned:
>…them ,they…
>She focused.Through the nose…
>…seat and…

These segments all have the same problem: a space either missing, it’s superfluous or, somehow, both. These three are merely the tip of the iceberg in a twelve-thousand word document which you are suddenly moving about and, surprise, space are place incorrectly (or missing all together) so this needs to be corrected as soon as possible. If there is any doubt, please select this / ,/, eliminate the forward slashes and search your document, you will find this error three times just from this kind, with the others spread out through it. Does this ruin the text? Certainly not, but while reading a story you should make sure nothing can make the reader stop to say “wait, what was that I read” unless it’s something important to the plot. Incorrectly placed spaces certainly do not fit into any of these descriptions.

Cutting sentences, repeating the same things and other demonds
There is something I dislike and I will admit I dislike it very much: useless words and unnecessary separations or repetitions. Granted, their usage in a story can add effect quite nicely (who doesn’t like those evocative phrases and dramatic negations?) and it’s not like you aren’t using them to your advantage at all:
>They hurtled across the wide open expanse of sky intent on reaching that distant point, for them that was all that mattered in the world; it was their purpose in life. But they failed.
>Whatever it was, it was intent on murder. Her murder.
However they are quite difficult to do correctly and at times it just makes for a jittery paragraph to begin with. As far as I am concerned:
>She once again flew around behind where the bright object that seemed so intent on hitting her, should have been, but instead she saw a bright flash in the corner of her eye, followed by a sound of an explosion. The force of which, was strong enough to take the breath out of her.
>Confused, Michael looked up to see the Colonel grinning. Which to Michael seemed to be one of the most unnatural things that he had ever seen.
> Colonel Ambler met the gaze of each face as he walked into the dark room. Each face belonged to a man that he could trust, which was a rare thing. The faces stared back, patiently awaiting orders.

Don’t work, simply because you are going for: a.) wordiness in attempt for something I can’t discern right now, b.) cutting the sentence in the middle for no good reason, c.) repeating over a fact so constantly it loses any symbolism or importance it might have had. These problems might not seem related, but they all go down to a single question: sentence structure and message. Now let us see the problem in each case and how do they work with this:

>She once again flew around behind where the bright object that seemed so intent on hitting her, should have been, but instead she saw a bright flash in the corner of her eye, followed by a sound of an explosion. The force of which, was strong enough to take the breath out of her.
Let us begin with the fact the first sentence is oddly constructed, with the fact that she is first flying behind the object, then seems like the object is not there, but then the object was there except that now it exploded. Of course, reading it you get the actual message (she tried to fly behind the object but then it exploded) but that doesn’t meant that a reader will see the message from simply reading and perhaps will have to actually stop, read again, and then continue the story. If this was a onetime thing (where the expressions or sentences don’t make sense because they are using too many words) it wouldn’t be a problem but this is something which periodically rears up its ugly head and I’m left wondering where what went, not good if you are a writer. However, if we manage to fix the first sentence so it’s clearer, we are still with a second sentence that is no good seeing how it’s a dependent clause. Do me a favor and isolate that sentence and now tell me who is the subject in that sentence (aka, tell me who is the sentence talking about without thinking about anything else), if you can do so easily then good, you are a better reader than my poor self because I don’t have a clue what are you talking about in that sentence and that doesn’t bode well when a person is reading. As I see it, these two sentences are talking about the same thing, not just the same idea but rather the same sentence to begin with, and you separated it with a period at some point to keep it from growing too long. If you didn’t do this, the idea of this sentence is still too vague to matter and you shouldn’t have sentences in this manner. The issue is that this sort of thing is widespread, just look at the next sentence:
>Confused, Michael looked up to see the Colonel grinning. Which to Michael seemed to be one of the most unnatural things that he had ever seen.
How exactly the second one is an independent sentence is beyond me, what was the most unnatural thing? Don’t say the colonel grinning. What element in that sentence, only that sentence, is the more natural thing? The only thing on that sentence is Michael, there is no it, there is not he, there not even a pointer toward what object Michael finds unnatural. You can’t have this sort of separation as it provides no impact from the pause (it’s seventeen words long…) and its grammatically incorrect. But this also deal with another issue which is more clearly shown by the next sentence:
> Colonel Ambler met the gaze of each face as he walked into the dark room. Each face belonged to a man that he could trust, which was a rare thing. The faces stared back, patiently awaiting orders.
Now, I can understand the faces are important; they truly are, because it shows that as far as the Colonel is concerned these aren’t human beings, they are things which he knows he can trust to do his bidding and carry out the job. However, what exactly have you gained by repeating the word face? unless I am missing something, nothing, nothing at all, not even the reiteration of the point because they aren’t even used within the same context but rather used to introduce new concept with each sentence. Why? In general, unless you absolutely can’t prevent it, you should only use each word once in each paragraph and, if you can help it, in each page (needlessly to say, repeating the same word in the same sentence without a good reason is beyond no). So now, reworded using the things I described above:
>> No. 67077
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67077
>She once again flew behind the bright object so intent on hitting her but caught in the corner of her eye a bright flash, the explosion that followed hitting with enough force to take the breath out of her.
>Confused, Michael looked up to see the Colonel grinning, one of the most unnatural things that he had ever seen.
> Colonel Ambler he walked into the dark room, meeting the gaze of his trusted men, their faces patently still and awaiting orders.
Which aren’t that great to begin with, but I hope you can see the point I am trying to make.

Dialogues, Take Two

>“Well keep your eyes open and scan the horizon, today could be the special day.”, though Michael seriously doubted that it would be.
A period, a comma and a quotation mark in quick succession. This doesn’t work, it doesn’t work moving the period and the comma, it doesn’t work by just removing the comma, or just removing the period. No, that section needs to be clarified in order for this to actually follow any sort of dialogue rule, which the easiest being simply doing “…day,”” but I can’t tell because I do not know what you intended to do with this sentence.
>“…No response from bogey.” Michael said
Period instead of comma?
>“Missile away.” He heard someone…
Despite of what or who, if the action that follows is related to the quote, a comma and an a lowercase non-proper-noun word is the correct answer.
>What the hay was that? She thought
This is a thought; it’s just like a dialogue, except you exchange the pair of quotation marks for italics.
>I wonder where she was now…
I point this own because, well, this is a thought and you do not have it in italics.

I will stop now. I will reiterate this and repeated ad nauseam to every single person that comes to my thread with incorrectly punctuated: check your dialogues and try to see how you punctuate dialogue (and by extension, thoughts) correctly. My most serious problem with this issue, apart from the fact it’s pervasive, obnoxious and easily fixable, is that the rest of the text shows the fact that you, in fact, know how to punctuate dialogue correctly without any problems what so ever. This is very good, it shows you aren’t a hack or simply going into your keyboard and smashing it like the theoretical infinite number of monkeys, but at the same time still finding things like a period, a quotation mark and a comma all next to each other, makes me come up with a single word: sloppy. You truly don’t know? Then the next text might be of assistance to you:

Here is the shortened General Theory of Quotes:

>What is a quote? A quote is a piece of text outside of the current one which is use to expand, clarify, introduce or just in general join together various levels of writing.

>[Omitted section]

>So, now, let’s strike the very first and most rule heavy section of all quotes: dialogues. What is a dialogue? The speech of the characters involved is the generally the most common answer, but it’s not enough to fully understand and write dialogues. How do I define dialogues? A dialogue is any piece of speech that is not directed towards the main receiver of the message. What does that even mean? It means that whenever someone or something talks and it doesn’t directly address the entity who is supposed to receive the message (in the case of books, the reader), it must be place upon quotation marks and treated as such.

>[Omitted section]

>Now that we have delved into all the possible subtleties of this, let us then start working what does it mean that dialogues exist outside of the work and punctuations define how they are received by posting the basic function of all dialogues:

>“(DialogueI-)#”/ action %/“(-DialogueII)&”

>Dialogue is of course whatever you are bring into this level of reading (what a character said to another character) and the - is supposed to represent the fact those two must be connected to each other. In other words, if we were to ignore the fact that DialogueI and DialogueII are quotes we should be able to put them together into a single sentence or at the very least make them be connected to a single speaker. This is important, as you must remember quotes exists in another level from you, and thus their inner punctuation needs nor follow what happens outside its theoretical parenthesis. In this way, we establish the meaning of DialogueI, DialogueII and -. Action in the other hand is exactly what it states: it’s the action related to that section of dialogue, let it be because it describes the dialogue (who and how he said it) or because it happens concurrently with the speech or immediately afterwards (cutting a pineapple while describing the knife, placing the helmet of the husband on while saying the last good-byes). There is a great deal flexibility with the action section, making it be open to just about anything you desire to place, just as long as it keeps its connection to the quote.

>Next are the symbols #, % and &. The purpose of these is very simple, they are placeholders for a series of punctuations, namely ? , !, . and finally the , , all which are used to defined flow of the text [for the purpose of this guide the symbols ellipsis, dash or colon are being ignored until later] and bring out the meaning. The obvious ones are of course the question and exclamation mark, which are used for questions and exclamation and thus are pretty flexible upon their placement and follow ups. The comma and the period however are a bit more defined into what happens upon their placement and the / are there to help us understand. I used the / to separate the different sections of the general function of dialogues because each of them can exist independently of each other: the first quote needs not of the action section to be a quote, it’s just left on its own accord as long as it’s clear who is speaking; the action section needs not of the quote to exist as long as it makes sense on its own, it’s just another sentence; likewise, the second quote needs not of the other sentence for exactly the same reasons as the first. However, you can still join them together, all depending upon your usage of commas. Why? A comma within the context of dialogues works as the glue that holds the quote and non-quote sections together, rather than separating as it normally does, allowing the two sections to interact with each other within the same text (remember that the quote is technically outside of the text) and make the necessary connections. Whenever you want to add a section of the function, a comma is required; whenever you want to stop a sentence at a particular section then a period is required. As long as such rules are followed, the constructs:

Example #1
>“(DialogueI-)#”
“I have a ball( . / ! / ? )”

Example #2
>“(DialogueI-)#” action.
“I have a ball( , / ! / ? )” said the dog.

Example #3
>Action, “(-DialogueII)&”
The dog slowly said, “I have a ball( . / ! / ? )”

Example #4
>“(DialogueI-)#” action,“(-DialogueII)&”
“I have a ball( , / ! / ? )” said the dog, “a pink one( . / ! / ? )”
Note: remember, quotes are a single sentence and their internal punctuation must be maintained, so if the first set were to be a question or exclamation mark, then a needs to be capitalized.

>“(DialogueI-)#” action,“(-DialogueII-)&” action, “(-DialogueIII)&”
“I have a ball( , / ! / ? )” said the dog, “a pink one( . / ! / ? )”

Note: valid as it might be, it’s generally good practice to limit oneself to not use example #5, and all its variations, if one has a firm grasps of dialogues.
>> No. 67081
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67081
>Are all perfectly valid and correct, leading to a greater flexibility upon how you present your dialogues. You might have noticed that the symbols # and & persist even when making these sentence and there is a good reason for this: the symbol # can be either be an ending or pause (defined by periods or commas respectively) and use a question mark or an exclamation mark in there when it make sense without breaking any rules, same rules apply as though they had remained periods or commas. The & also offers similar liberties, being in function the same as # but generally not being capable of functioning as pause for anything. The % then is can be solely a period or a comma, depending on the fact if there is a next section or not.
>In other words, as a small reminder: # can be (? ! . , ); the & is normally only (? ! . ); and the % is only (. ,). Other rules are also in existence but are derive from the notions above.
>[Further Sections omitted]

To further expand upon this, as I said before hand, thoughts are the same think of dialogues and the same rules that apply to them apply to thoughts you do not state in a literal manner but rather present as speech. The only change? Normal practice dictates that they should be placed in italics instead of using quotation marks. Why? I cannot say other than it being an easy way to distinguish the text, but it doesn’t stop it from being common practice. With that in mind, make sure all the thoughts are italics (whatever that is in first person in a third person story is a good way to find them) and follow the rules.

If you have any questions about the above, please do tell.

As final note on your writing, look up the words: smelt, hangers, trail of thoughts were, 25 and Michael missed a beat. In order listed: wrong word, wrong word, trail of thoughts is singular, you use either indian numbers or words rather than this combination of both so this is twenty-five and I am pretty sure you meant to say he didn’t miss a beat. As always, I do not edit and merely provide example from which to work from, please use them to improve your writing. Now, story.


Let me say it outright: you have done nothing for me to care about Michael and to prove it I removed the whole Michael section from the third episode and it affected in no tangible way anything of what has happened in the story. This is not a good sign, mainly because the third chapter felt stronger without him than with him and that of course means that the current character is weak and uninteresting. For now, you have echoed the very same things about him (likes flying, finds himself shaken by the fact he almost died, etc.) three times, in three completely different occasions, without much happening to or around him that will make me care for him. If you were to remove the first section of chapter three, two things will happen: I will not have to deal with his whinnying (it has been repeated enough times that, regardless of the truth behind it, it will be seen as such) and shaken state, and it will also open the reader to say “and where is Michael”. This might not seem like a very important or good thing but, unless you are actually going to make him act on something, at this stage we are simply being reminded with his appearances “Hey, there is Michael, don’t forget about him”, which is really a bad place for a character to be. From this point on, remove the Michael section of chapter 3 and make sure we don’t see him again until he actually does something which will actively affect the story (being on the base because he excused himself is not actively affecting the story). This might seem a bit extreme, but readers do not related to the janitor who sits down, looks at the passersby and never says anything other than liking his mop; we like the janitor with the keys, who makes witty comments or at least is a character who varies a bit upon his normal repertoire of emotions (aka, people like developing characters, not static ones). I will read further but do remember that Michael is hanging on by a thread before I just actively ignore him and then the story falls apart, seeing how it’s a main character.

As for the rest, the question becomes, this occurred, so what? The good thing is that we have established Rainbow Dash as the Roswell alien, the Colonel as generic strict military man #42 and Jay being the token teenager in an adults body. This is all great, and I can already see where this is going to lead to and where you are going to be able to place your own twist, but as the matter of actually the plot advancing, I do not see it occurring just yet and this is concerning me. Up to now the only thing keeping me reading has been the fact I am curious to know how exactly are you going to work in the whole explanation for the Sonic Rainboom transporting RD into the other world and how will you manage to use them, so at least your current central event can work as somewhat of a hook, but it will require the people to sit through 12k words of nothing much really happening, but rather things building up to… something, which still hasn’t been presented. I suggest you sit down, consider the actual plot of the story in the long term and try to figure out how it fits with the current events and at least try to foreshadow it or do something more so we can care about what is happening. A reader will stop reading the instant he finds himself wasting away his time and, despite the fact you aren’t really quite there yet, this story is edging dangerously close to that apathy line. I am not saying rush the story, I am just telling you that you need some sort of conflict to start occurring with anyone involve or you will lose readers.

Quick note: I will accept your explanation for the Geiger counters, but I have my doubts too many people will be as generous. A nuclear device contains solid nuclear material and various passive prevention mechanisms to prevent their misfire. If a device were to be breached as described then it would actually become less dangerous than when it’s in a normal state, regardless of the fact it’s now open to the environment. The Geiger counter might be useful as described but a better explanation should be envisioned.

And that’s all I got, hope that was helpful.
>> No. 67161
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67161
Here are all the reviews I have done, feel free to peruse through them to see what I’m more or less about and how many times I have done this.
Review count: 100 reviews
¬ TOSR CH.1-3 Alexrockclimber: >>67076 - >>67077 - >>67081 / ¬ The Duet Never Played Kurbz: >>66951 - >>66952 - >>66953 / ¬ A New Love and a New Set of Wings JG: >>63306 - >>63307 - >>63309 / ¬ Story: Ponyhammer Vilwind: >>63289 - >>63290 /¬ Storm Princes Ch. 1-2 MoronSonOfBoron: >> 51356 - >> 51358 / ¬ Dance 'Til We're High Present_Perfect: >>46993 / ¬ Equestria on the Brink G-Money: >>46974 / ¬ Canterlot’s Guests JKinsley: >>46968 / ¬ Spurs of Blood LlamaLlumps: >>46958 / ¬ A Tangle Web Lesserpoet: >>46953 - >>46954 / ¬ Untitled Epic Anonymous: >>45425 - >>45426 / ¬ The other side of the rainboom alexrockclimber: >>45339 - >>45340 / ¬ Ponyville Festival Pinkie Pie Anonymous: >>45337- >>45338 / ¬ EQN Chapter 2 The Chosen Garnot: >>44574 - >>44576 / ¬ Fabula Nova Equestria supuriganadush: >>43758 - >>43759 / ¬ HoRS: Part 1 MalarkyInTheGalaxy: >>43522 - >>43523 / ¬ Ditzy Doo and the Blustery Day uSea: >>43518 / ¬ Patchwork Kegisak: >>43008 / ¬ Unchivalrous Conduct LouisCyphre: >>41917 / ¬ Equestrian Winter Bucko: >>41863 ¬ Try, try again Vimbert: >>41862 / ¬ Switching Hoofs onej6: >>41529 / ¬ Two Beats NickNack: >>41517 / ¬ Bronyville Rainbowdaps: >>40940 / ¬ How Friends May Fall Ebon Topaz: >>40748 / ¬ Losing Ground Quinch: >>36524 / ¬ Fluttershy Goes to Hell Present Perfect: >>38957 / ¬ Eternal Winter Bucko: >>37985 / ¬ FoE:PH Ch.2 Somber: >>37984 / ¬ Trixie's Pet Ch.1 StoryBirth: >>38307 / ¬ Third Party PonySoldier: >>37981 / ¬ Fo:E Project Horizons Ch.1 Somber: >>36451 / ¬ Fallout and Ashes Prog-2 Ashheart: >>36291 - >>36292 / ¬ Story with Occassional Editor Lightsideluc: >>36222 / ¬ PonyNoir Chapter 1 Garnot: >>34972 - >>34974 / ¬Four Days to Neighrobi Zinger Rimshot: >>33573 / ¬SDEF Prologue Review NickNack: >>33566 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS take 2 Chaos Nux: >>32359 / ¬Storms On the Horizon: Book 1 Ch. 1 Eeveexpert: >>32176 / ¬Honestly PresentPerfect: >>32061 / ¬One Last Party Favor AnonPinkie: >>31650 / ¬Assorted Tales Anon: >>31639 / ¬SIE PaxImbrium: >>31385 / ¬Lost in the Crowd SyrinKitty: >>31368 / ¬Pony Effect Grif: >>31050
Not accessible
¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel(revision1) NickNack: >>29993 / ¬A Broken Bond Rated-R PonyStar: >>29979 - >>29981 / ¬Pinkie Pie and Nothing More PresentPerfect: >>29977 / ¬Arddun Lleaud Pride: >>29974 - >>29975 / ¬Bricks Ch4-5 ThePower: >>29415 / ¬O4 Lightsideluc: >>29411 / ¬Closer To Heaven Garnot: >>29402 / ¬Emotional Warfare IronPony: >>28462 / ¬Aftermath groovymann: >>28460 / ¬Dot Dot Dot Bannhammer: >>28459 / ¬Singing to the Moon uSea: >>28456 / ¬The Elements of Awesomery PresentPerfect: >>28261 / ¬An Azure Future Krass McWriter: >>27350 - >>27352 / ¬Cooking Floor Pt1 Starberry Burst: >>27347 / ¬Divergence Seattle_Lite: >>27344 / ¬RDBCNTH FireEsper: >>27342 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Chapter II Stormchaser: >>27340 / ¬The Art of Cooking Grif: >>27338 / ¬Friendship is Tragic Vermillon Kagamin: >>27337 / ¬Carousel Vanner: >>25998 / ¬Two Seasons TwilightSnarkle: >>25997 / ¬PonyNoir-Prologue Garnot : >>25995 / ¬The Kindness of Strangers Lysis: >>25994 / ¬Naamloos document Ebon Topaz: >>25784 / ¬I won’t see you tonight CoffeGrunt: >>25782 / ¬How Equestria was Made Batsy: >>25780 / ¬Breath-Taking ThePower : >>25779 / ¬Apples, Apples, Apples Anon: >>25778 / ¬A.I.C EoD MLPLOS Chaos Nux: >>25776 / ¬Equines and Exalts (prolougue and Ch. 1) DorianCreed: >>25328 / ¬Paries Transmuto Ch1 Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>24558 / ¬Masquerade! KidNeo: >>24554 / ¬Twilight Rhapsody Lady Luna: >>24542 / ¬I just want to Fly Dragnauv: >>24534 / ¬A Good Host N.K.: >>24515 / ¬Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel Nick.Nack: >>22975 - >>22976 / ¬Vermächtnis Suche, Prologue Nick.Nack: >>22205 / ¬I Just Want To Fly Dragnauv: >>21909 / ¬Enemy Mine Everything Man: >>21425 / ¬Stargazing PanDotthast: >>21333 / ¬MLP The Hangover Lucki Poni: >>21332 / ¬Android R1NGmasterJ5: >>20964 / ¬Day of Foals Squeak: >>20960 / ¬Storm Princess MoronSonOfBoron: >>20699 / ¬Brave Heart Methinks: >>20590 / ¬Paries Transmuto: The Society of the Fourth Wall Garnot\IMTREE\others: >>20559 / ¬Division Arcifinious: >>19943 / ¬Loves Games Scribe: >>19740 / ¬*feeler* Rarity Disaster/Romance(>>18112) Desert Rose: >>19392 / ¬Spirits of Harmony Stormchaser: >>19349 / ¬Out of their Element Evilgenius123: >>19166 / ¬In Her Majesty's Royal Service Sagebrush: >>19000 / ¬Right Before Your Eyes PresentPerfect: >>18831 / ¬Helix Aspera StarmanTheta: >>18411 / ¬Maverick Lightsideluc: >>18130
>> No. 67162
>>67081
Thanks for all this. I do appreciate it all.

The scene with Michael in the latest chapter was forced, that's true. Past readers wanted to learn more about him but if it's ruining the feel of the story then I'll get rid of it.

There are a few words that are used in the British version of English that aren't used in other kinds. Such as smelt and leant. They are acceptable and used for British English speakers and I think that I'll keep on using them as that is how I speak. I have had the other pre-readers saying the same as you about them.


I'll try to stay more aware about the spaces. I realised why there were so frequent though. I type in google docs for these stories but normally I write in word and google docs doesn't tell you if the spacing is wrong, while Microsoft word does.


Thanks for all this.
>> No. 67193
Hey, I have been looking through your reviews for other fanfics, and I like your style. I was wondering if I could get a review from you for my fanfic. Any tips you could give me too improve my writing would be greatly appreciated

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3001/The-Doc
>> No. 67260
I am hoping you can review this fanfic I wrote.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2714/1/The-First-Ever-Brotherhooves-Social/The-First-Ever-Brotherhooves-Social

I sent it to ED but got rejected and recommended I come to ponychan for help. Here I am. I hope you can review this so I can improve.
>> No. 68323
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68323
Note: this review is merely the result of lack of direct communication with the author due to the nature of the content. Due to this, the content of this review have been spoilered and I kindly request anyone who reads this to not read further. If you do so, it’s out of your own judgment and I will desire you comment no further upon the content. This will be reposted accordingly.


TL;DR: Your writing is mostly, to not say completely, flawless and requires little to none of my limited knowledge there. That being said, the story itself is lackluster, mainly because it feels likes it was made to be over too quickly and it doesn’t use the notion itself to properly set up the story.

Welcome to your review Margos and, despite all the fanfare and yellow tape, I assure you I do this with the complete certainty that you were aiming at a work of literature when I read this. As always we first have to cover the writing, then take a strike against the story and then finish with whatever else I think is necessary to speak about, if at all.

I have to say, this is amongst the cleanest text I have seen in quite some time, basically flawless in all respect of the written word. I don’t even need to make specialized sections for the errors I found: a couple instances, but not in world-ending quantity, of capitalization in compounded quotes so I will suggest you take a second look at all dialogues and remember that if they are connect the dialogues are treated like a single sentence for the purpose of inside quotes capitalization and punctuation; missing commas or ands between two descriptors in two or three instances. Whatever other errors exist, they were minute enough to not warrant an explanation and are mostly of how I would have written them rather than actual corrections. All in all, a very clean text.

However, the story on the other hand can’t possibly receive my approval, and not because of the subject matter but rather because of the way you handled the story and how you destroyed the notion of suspension of disbelief with a aflame warhammer (which I hope make sense with the lingo). As you clearly know I do not mind your guiding ideas, despite others objections, because I find that there is some merit to explore the ideas presented. The themes that arise from said guiding ideas and their interconnection to the story are also up to par, clearly showing us what message we were supposed to get from it. I can’t decry your structure at any level; it is what one would expect from this sort of “short” story:

1.)Introduce a problem and foreshadow its solution.

2.)Make the problem reach the main characters.

3.)Make the main characters struggle with the problem.

4.)Make character used foreshadowed solution and struggle to defeat problem.

5.)Resolution and reflection over this chain.

Now, this all nice and dandy (especially since I have already established that your writing is up to par, so there is that) but sadly your plot and your world simply do not convince me and quite frankly I am afraid that I couldn’t care much for it. There is gigantic stain on the wall and that stain is your diamonds dogs. Let me just list the couple of facts you are asking us to expand over the canon dogs and apply in this story:

1.)The Diamond dogs are actually quite organized and modern.

2.)They have no idea how intelligent, organized and/or powerful the ponies are.

3.)They have access to highly advance medical technology.

4.)They, despite said modern technology, dig with their hands, handle only the most basic tools and aren’t intelligent enough to consider opening the door for a prisoner to be a terrible idea.

5.)Their highest punishment, despite said allegedly highly advance society, is sewing their condemned to each other’s anus and hoping they die eventually of the infection/horror.

I can continue finding a literal field of reasons (some banal, others plot relevant) why these diamond dogs simply do not work. There is artistic freedom I admit, you are free to present things in whichever way you desire and I won’t be the man to stop you. Yet, despite this, I feel compelled to tell you that I am not buying what you are selling and that is another leg from your stool you don’t want to be missing too. If the diamond dogs you present and the diamond dog of the shows were any more different, I would instead call them the goonies and watch them fly off in search of Dorothy, and yes I mean that completely because your diamond dogs aren’t making any sense. How do you fix this however is a matter which requires much more than just a review, it requires I actually sit down with you and discuss what, or where, did you get these impressions and trying to make them into something workable. As far as I’m concerned? This story needs the diamond dogs to be a sort of tribe where body modifications are the norm (taken from the whole variety of their shapes, all result of various modifications) which then extend said modifications/mutilations/horrors into their punishment, opening a logical door into the Triple Crown rather than just being “we are diamond dogs and use our hospitals to join our criminals in a hideous affront to nature, just because we think it’s terrible.”

On a grander scale however, the whole plot seems to depend upon this, an almost hit-and-run in literary form. Granted, this is definitely not the sort of thing you want to dwell in for no other reason that the content would soon turn off practically everyone and everything that will read story. That being said, the story has been pin-pointed at the wrong places for the right reasons. You dwell with the main characters all along and just continue to the end, your mental eye never leaving them except where it would be too jarring to simply go and say “and then they were there”, which is commendable, but ultimately wrong. In order for the reader to accept the events going on, he must be brought into the world this is dependent upon, and that of course demands you deal with the Diamond Dogs far more than you are currently doing so, where they are merely a plot device to get the three into position, and bring them a life into their own. The whole second “chapter”? If I said I care I would be lying like a brute, because at the end it doesn’t matter, they are stuck to each other and they are going to be dying from horrible infections anyway, something which they must clearly know and will feel their corresponding feeling just out of the position each of them is. So what does this mean? You need to change your plot to allocate more World or this fic will fall flat and everyone who reads it will simply stop, do a half-turn, and walk away.

All this however is so theoretical and plot dependent that “fixing” it isn’t the correct term here anymore, not while the problem is not the writing, the subject or anything of the sort but the actual events that make just stop, consider what I am reading, and telling myself that it’s not worth my time in its current shape. I will need to chat with you to discuss this with you in order for my help to be truly effective, but, if that’s not possible, may find this little collection of thoughts helpful.

And that’s all I got, hope you find use to this.
>> No. 68324
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68324
TL;DR:
You manage to fit into a story smaller than the minimum for EqD a shipping story which didn’t immediately made me cue Barry White and his imaginary call “AND NOW, LOOOOOVEEE”, no small feat I must tell you, even if the elements are there, just waiting to be tipped towards it. Two things I do have concerns with: I believe the language, and some of the exposition, might be a bit too stilted for full impact; additionally, if I understood correctly, the fact that Rainbow Dash creates rainbows as she flies is not the secret (something which all of Ponyville would already know all things considered) but rather her ability to control when it is and the nature of it, something which isn’t even made very clear in the text.
Two competing views are battling it out current: expand it into a multi-chapter story with the relationship being taken from the very beginning of the events, making the focus of the story sections be on Rainbow Dash and then the Twilight side of the story be covered on the letters to the princess; smooth out the current story as to make sure the two sections fit better with each other, and amongst itself, using the letter as the introduction and then afterword to the whole story. Choose wisely.


Every so often I write a review so short one wonders why even bother waiting. After all, the word count would mean I spend hours trying to just type a single word, even if that many. For better or for worse, here is my review for you over your little story and I must say it was nice to give it a short read.

Writing wise, this has only two issues that are worth mentioning: your dialogues are a bit hit and miss with punctuation and capitalizations; the language involved might be a little too “forced” for it to be natural. One of these problems requires fixing for it to be correct, the other one is mainly stylistic and you can take it as you will. Other than that? The writing is pretty much pristine and the errors are more of my nitpicking self than anything else.

Dialogues
As I do most of the times, I shall give you a couple of examples for you to see what I mean, which means most of them seeing how small the document really is.

> There was a tiny moment of silence before Twilight giggled and said “You flatter me, Rainbow Dash.”
Comma after said.
>“In that case,” Rainbow answered, “We’ll be here for a while.”
It is we’ll rather than We’ll.
> Rainbow swallowed for a second time and said “I like you, Twilight.”
Same case as the first example, there is supposed to be a comma after said here as well.
>“Woohoo!” She cried with delight…
Capitalization of she is incorrect.
>“Thank y’ kindly, Rainbow Dash!” A voice called from below…
And the capitalization of a is incorrect here.

And to explain, I give you, this:
>> No. 68325
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68325
The shortened General Theory of Quotes:

>What is a quote? A quote is a piece of text outside of the current one which is use to expand, clarify, introduce or just in general join together various levels of writing.

>[Omitted section]

>So, now, let’s strike the very first and most rule heavy section of all quotes: dialogues. What is a dialogue? The speech of the characters involved is the generally the most common answer, but it is not enough to fully understand and punctuate dialogues correctly. How do I define dialogues? A dialogue is any piece of speech that is not directed towards the main receiver of the message. What does that even mean? It means that whenever someone or something talks, and it doesn’t directly address the entity who is supposed to receive the message (in the case of books, the reader), it’s a dialogue and dialogue rules apply to its structure.

>[Omitted section]

>Now that we have delved into all the possible subtleties of this, let us then start working out what does it mean that dialogues exist outside of the work. For this, I present to you, the basic function of dialogues:

>“(DialogueI-)#” / action % / “(-DialogueII)&”

>Dialogue is of course whatever you are bring into this level of reading (what a character said to another character) and the - is supposed to represent the fact those two must be connected to each other. In other words, if we were to ignore the fact that DialogueI and DialogueII are quotes we should be able to put them together into a single sentence or at the very least make them be connected to a single speaker. This is important, as you must remember quotes exist in different plane from the reader, and thus their inner punctuation needs nor follow what happens outside its theoretical parenthesis. In this way, we establish the meaning of DialogueI (what was said before the action), DialogueII (what was said after the action) and – (the reminder that both of these join together).

>Action in the other hand is exactly what it states: it’s the action related to that section of dialogue, let it be because it describes the dialogue (who and how he said it) or because it happens concurrently with the speech or immediately afterwards (cutting a pineapple while describing the knife, placing the helmet of the husband on while saying the last good-byes). There is a great deal flexibility with the action section, allowing you to put in there just about anything you desire, just as long as it keeps its connection to the quote(s).

>Next are the symbols #, % and &. The purpose of these is very simple: they are placeholders for a series of punctuations (namely ? , !, .) and ,), all which are used to defined flow of the text [note: for the purpose of this guide the symbols ellipsis, dash or colon are being ignored until later] and clarifying their meaning. The obvious ones are of course the question and exclamation mark, which are used for questions and exclamation, which pretty flexible upon their placement and follow ups. The comma and the period however are a bit more defined into what happens upon their placement and the / are just used to separate the different sections of the general function of dialogues.

>Why do I do this? Because each of them can exist independently of each other: the first quote needs not of the action section to be a quote, it’s just left on its own accord as long as it’s clear who is speaking; the action section needs not of the quote to exist as long as it makes sense on its own, it’s just another sentence; likewise, the second quote needs not of the other sentence for exactly the same reasons as the first. However, you can still join them together, all depending upon your usage of commas. Why? A comma within the context of dialogues works as the glue that holds the quote and non-quote sections together, rather than separating as it normally does, allowing the two sections to interact with each other within the same text (remember that the quote is technically outside of the text) and make the necessary connections.

>Whenever you want to add a section of the function, a comma is required; whenever you want to stop a sentence at a particular section then a period is required. As long as such rules are followed, the constructs:

>Example #1
>“(DialogueI-)#”
>“I have a ball( . / ! / ? )”

>Example #2
>“(DialogueI-)#” action.
>“I have a ball( , / ! / ? )” said the dog.

>Example #3
>Action, “(-DialogueII)&”
>The dog slowly said, “I have a ball( . / ! / ? )”

>Example #4
>“(DialogueI-)#” action,“(-DialogueII)&”
>“I have a ball( , / ! / ? )” the dog said, “a pink one( . / ! / ? )”
>Note: remember, even if the quotes are indeed a single sentence as a whole, their internal punctuation must be maintained, so if the first set were to be a question or exclamation mark, then a needs to be capitalized as the internal capitalization would make it so that the next section is a new sentence even when you use the action as a connector between the two sections.

>“(DialogueI-)#” action,“(-DialogueII-)#” action, “(-DialogueIII)&”
>“I have a ball( , / ! / ? )” said the dog, “a pink one( , / ! / ? )” he looked at it, “and I can share it( , / ! / ? )”
>Note: valid as it might be, it’s generally good practice to limit oneself to not use example #5, and all its variations, if one doesn’t have a firm grasps of dialogues and it mechanics as it’s easy to get confused.

>Are all perfectly valid and correct, leading to a greater flexibility upon how you present your dialogues. You might have noticed that the symbols # and & persist even when making these sentence and there is a good reason for this: the symbol # can be either be an ending or pause (defined by periods or commas respectively) and use a question mark or an exclamation mark in there when it make sense without breaking any rules, same rules apply as though they had remained periods or commas. The & also offers similar liberties, being in function the same as # but generally not being capable of functioning as pause for anything. The % then is can be solely a period or a comma, depending on the fact if there is a next section or not.

>In other words, as a small reminder: # can be ( ? / ! / . / , ); the & is normally only ( ?/ ! / . ); and the # is only ( . / , ). Further rules are derivatives of these basic notions and thus must be understood conceptually before
>[Further Sections omitted]

Which should provide more or less all the information about the corrections I mentioned, in particularly the why and how of dialogues. I give you this long explanation not because you lack the grasp of dialogue but rather because you do and the reasoning behind the corrections I made is a result of the very logic of dialogues themselves, something which is only hinted by inflexible rules but is quite clear once you understand its internal logic. Any questions can and will be answered. Onwards.
>> No. 68327
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68327
When walking becomes slowly treading across the leveled plain

If there is something people do not enjoy, is being confuse or being treated like they are idiots. Now, as a writer, you have the responsibility putting every single detail you can in paper so that story advances, not allowing your reader to get the wrong impression or the wrong meaning to the words that appear on paper. Ambiguities, sparse descriptions and unlively rhetoric are amongst the greatest killers of even technically “well-written” stories, simply because the reader is left without any sort of base from which to work from. What does this mean? You have a reader who is literary lost in a literary storm of your own making, never quite certain who, what, where, when, how things happened or why they should care. This of course means you are wasting your readers’ time and should not be done under any circumstances if you want to be called a writer in any shape or form. What does this sort of writing tells the reader? “I do not thing you are intelligent enough to comprehend complex ideas and sentences, in addition of being lazy too.”

However, as with all things in life, the other opposite end of the spectrum will land you in equal or worse place, depending on what exactly is your poison and favorite reason for others to hate you. So you decided that you weren’t going to keep things simple, because that certainly insults your readers intelligence and would certainly not deliver the message to them. Instead you decide to go for the more complete sentences and descriptions, insisting upon describing the nuances of every action, character and plot turn. Your world shines in ever-clear glory of details and depth, exalting you literary skills as you deliver symphonies of pure words.
What point I do try to make out of this silly exchange? Something very simple, adding extraneous wording into your writing is not embellishing it; it’s downright clogging it at best, plugging it at worse. To call your text purple is a bit of a stretch perhaps, but when this sort of language is used:
> As the sun’s warmth spread over the wet fields, it seemed as if the very plants were waking up to the light. A beautiful glow passed over the hills, and spread until it enveloped all that surrounded. After a few moments birds ventured out, and flew through the air, shaking off their wings and twittering to one another. A new vivid colour had flooded the scene, previously so grey and dull, now alive with the greens and blues and yellows of the birds, flowers and corn.
> It wasn’t a big town, but the library’s height was still a significant advantage in that from the highest balcony you could see all across Ponyville’s rooftops to the fields and the hills in one direction, and the Everfree forest the other way.

Or having Rainbow Dash turn to acknowledge someone (instead of just turning to them) and similar wording, that makes me concern that any further step will just end with an amorphous blob of words which the reader will take nothing and it’s worth all those extremely large blocks of text just to prevent it from occurring. The seed is there and, as Striga, it’s all you need for it to destroy the crop unless you are in the lookout for it. When you are writing, a simple principle rule that you should fallow is the principle of word economy: if you sit down and your sentence makes sense after you have eliminate words, you are doing something wrong. I want you to stop for a second and do a process I like to call culling, on which you read a sentence, eliminate a word, and see if it still makes sense. If the meaning remains, you had an extraneous word and it doesn’t belong there. At so few words, having only three examples to give (or at least three which are clear enough for us to see) might not seem like much, but trust me, extraneous words will not help you. Again, it’s debatable as this goes directly with style and voice, but it’s always good to keep in mind.

Now let us deal with the story: congratulations, you have made an extremely short story which ships two characters and manages me to not simply say it feels like a contrived series of events which ends up with them being together, an amazing feat alright. There are however three things I have issue with in this story which I think need to be handled one way or another:

1.)The exact nature of the relationship starter between Rainbow and Twilight has the certain problem that Rainbow Dash is constantly making rainbows wherever she flies and thus whatever “secret” is involved means both characters are acting stupid. Now, I do not believe that was what you meant, but rather that she can actually control the nature, production and duration of said rainbows, which indeed would be an interesting ability to have. Additionally, Twilight’s natural curiosity would make said rare ability be a good way for them to spend more time together, however this isn’t made clear in the text and you, the reader, is left to either catch that it is the control of said ability rather than the ability itself that matters or simply assume you haven’t watched the show enough.

2.)The sections of the Princesses fall flat because the connection between them and the rest of the story is weak at best, tenuous at worst. I can understand that Twilight would message Celestia with said events; she is after all more or less her mother figure at this point. However, the lack of actually reading the beginning or the end of the letter makes us have to guess what is presented to Celestia. Compounding this, why do I care for Celestia’s reaction? Without the context of the letter or anything else, I have no idea how or why Celestia would react to what she read and then told Luna. Did she receive hourly logs of Twilight describing her reactions to Rainbow Dash presence? Was it a “a friend of my friend” letter? Was it a long list of fantasies now has? We need that letter my friend, we need it badly.

3.)Rainbow Dash’s latent feelings, or rather the whole:
> Deep down, Rainbow had always known. She’d never told anypony, though – not for fear of reproach, but more because it was her little secret. She liked that she could daydream in purple, and be safe in the knowledge that nopony knew what she was thinking about when her eyes were closed.
Which is what contrived relationship plots are made of. This secretly being in love for the longest time is not really something most people like to read about (the term sappy love story is perhaps the most common description they give) and that suffers from the very same ambiguity which makes or breaks this story. Relationships are about development of character and how they react to each other. Simply stating “and she loved her forever, in secret, in a way which you didn’t see but was always there” is amateurish to the greatest degree. However, as yet many other things within this piece, it would seem that you want to imply that there is more to the story than just “and then, Rainbow Dash found out she was in love” and rather it became a process as they had more constant meetings. Sadly, this is not very clear in the text and I believe there is more evidence for the weaker former than the more solid latter.
>> No. 68328
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68328
All these three problems however go into the very mechanics of this story: it’s not the love story of Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle but rather a letter that gives out a small sliver of their development story. What does this mean? Many things have to be established and implied and I firmly believe you have a good base to do this, with minor restructuring and modifications giving out a far stronger tale. The basics are very simple really: the points I brought up in top need to be fixed by clarifying both of the ones that need clarification and the letter must be used as the tie in both princess section (making Celestia say the beginning and the end as mentioned above) for both stories to truly be able to join them together well as its tone would let us know if Celestia’s reaction is in any way realistic or relevant.

But wait, there is more. The fact its but a fraction of a greater tale is important, because it implies there is a greater tale to be had and that it holds promise to be that sort of engaging story everyone is looking for when reading. I found your decision to focus in Rainbow Dash’s side of the story, even when the Twilight’s side of the story is what is presented to Celestia, interesting in the most neutral manner you can imagine. Then I found an interesting thing about this: these are two sides of a same relationship and the cover different expectations, points of views and feelings, with one filtered further by being the writings sent to her well-esteemed teacher. This makes for an interesting premise, and manner of the presenting the story, starting with Twilight’s discovery of Rainbow Dash’s ability and her desire to investigate it, a situation which causes both them having to trust each other and have to have to be alone for extended periods of times. Taking a chapter a time, you could have a nice little story here, even if does expand quite beyond the scope of the original story. That being said, you have the writing skill to pull it off and the fact I was actually left expecting more from this little world can only point out good things. Whichever path you choose will be correct, as long as the problems are dealt with, so take this last section as a mere suggestion and do what you have to do.

And that’s all I got, hope you that was helpful.
>> No. 68342
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Wow, what an in-depth review! Thanks.

I will say that the story was intended to be one thing in the beginning and wound up being something else. I know this is pretty poor writing, but the story went where it wanted to go - which is honestly the most sappy phrase I could possibly have written there. Anyway, that's why the transition between the princesses and Rainbow and Twilight seems a little unconnected; there was intended to be more material there. I got a little lazy and cut the story off where I was; but as it is I have it as material for the future if I ever decide to do more for it.

Anyway, thanks for the review, very constructive and didn't put me on the defensive :)
>> No. 70318
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>>61190

>>61190
TL,DR: This is a story with an interesting concept with questionable choice within the plot, the manner of exposition, the characterization and many different aspects; the best which can be done with this story is to stop, re-(organize, characterize, write, etc.) before taking any steps forward. The main culprits: unwieldy and rushed exposition, depleting suspension of disbelief too rapidly; the separation, organization and perspective of events, with sudden jumps and at times a lack of linearity; uninspiring characters which fail to leave a mark or simply look like caricatures of characters; a serious case of telling more than you show. The concept is there, but unless these issues are dealt with the reaction of most, if not all will, be lukewarm.

Greetings my friend, welcome to your review. I apologize for any delays and hope you find this helpful. Your commentary asked me to tell you what I thought of the word up to now, but after reading (and quite a bit of rereading) I shall request you go beyond reading the TL;DR, which more or less what you request, and read further down to see where I found faults. I understand that rewriting at this point might seem like a ludicrous endeavor, but this story and your own skills will greatly benefit from such a thing. Whatever you decide, here is the rest of the review.

As always, I make a stop in the writing, mainly because the writing is the door to any and all stories; I do not care if you are a toddler or a professional writer, if your writing cannot convey effectively and flawlessly the message you are trying to provide then you have failed. So where does that leave us in reference to your writing? I am going to put this as bluntly as possible: you and your editor are dropping the ball all throughout the text in very obnoxious and, worse yet, unexplainable manners seeing how you are doing them correctly just a couple of sentences before, to then do them wrong again.Note: I do not edit, the errors and their explanations here are meant for self-correction and self-teaching, so they are merely examples rather than a comprehensive list.

Your dialogue and thought punctuation is lacking to the point of being ridiculous. I am going to stop myself from doing a long explanation and ask you to look at these very few examples from the text:
>“…Spire.” The lavender unicorn said…
>Fame and glory. he thought morosely.
>“I… yes. I don’t like it, but I do.” she conceded.

And suggest you read this:
>>68325

Which contains simplified rules to all things dialogue and similar. Please tell your editor to read it and do a second pass of the whole document; I can’t recall a single chapter where I didn’t mark this more than once.

Now, sticking to the writing, tell me how these lines fare:
>The dark green stallion he identified as Mane Tis.
>There was a slight pause in the conversation. She didn’t show it, but Twilight was slightly repulsed by the stallion, mostly because he didn’t share her opinions on the Princess.
>Of note was the fact that she wasn’t talking in her normal third-person sing song voice. It was a welcome change
>Over the Past few days of travel Mane had proven be was quite hot tempered, a fact of which Pan had not been aware of starting off from the village.

I could go on for quite a while actually, and the rule of three compels me to stop. What do each of these sentences show us? Nothing, which is exactly the problem I have with quite a good deal of your writing goes straight into the telling us the events rather than describing us said events, most of the times to the great detriment of the story. Instead of giving us dialogues you are simply telling us they spoke. Instead of making us see their feelings through their motions and words, you are telling us exactly what they feel and keeping it at that. Instead of riding use through the tumble and wobble of their trips, we get such descriptions as those above, circumventing them completely (or at times giving them much more attention than they deserve, such as when you make Wey ask the group how their room was) for who knows what reason. In writing, one must always resist the need to tell the reader what is happening and instead show him. How do you know if you are telling the reader rather than showing him? If you can read the message directly from the story, you are telling me rather than showing me. If my story is about how Rufus the dog acquire a ball, I am failing the reader if I go “Rufus got a ball from his owner” instead of “Rufus owner came in and threw Rufus a ball at his paws”, which admittedly twice as long to say the same thing but the second one makes us follow the action as we are force to use our mind-eye to actually know what is going on.

Writing is a game of co-imagination, where the writer sets up the conditions and the reader then develops the world from said writing. If I do not get you to actually show me how things are happening, by means of dialogue, actions, etc., I as a reader have nothing to work upon and thus would have used my time better by simply imagining things myself. Now, this does not mean the whole story suffers from this, which again I have said that all the errors I found are befuddling because you seem to do things right just couple of paragraphs before, but rather huge chunks of it simply droll out things that could have been expanded much better by showing them rather than mentioning. This my friends is one of the main failure points I found for your story in the writing front, as the facts and the story behind where there but weren’t exploited for any developmental benefit (and chances are from this stems most, if not all, your so called characterizations issues) and I estimated that right now the story is missing at least another 30k words to fill in all the various narration holes you left throughout the story in your race to the finish, but more of than in a few paragraphs.

Let us take a look at my very small sample (and a say very small because the problem is widespread) and see why I have problems with this:

>The dark green stallion he identified as Mane Tis.
This line could easily be transformed into a line of dialogue, so much so that you actually do so for all the other characters, using Pan’s mannerism and voice to let us know about him and the others. This however, I get nothing, just that Mane Tis exist and that I should be glad I see him or have him mention somehow, but more about him and the other characters later.

>There was a slight pause in the conversation. She didn’t show it, but Twilight was slightly repulsed by the stallion, mostly because he didn’t share her opinions on the Princess.
Do you know what I have been told I do when I am disgusted or bothered by something? The knuckle of my index finger is placed upon the left side of my nose and my eyes close into little slits. Why do I tell you this? Because going about telling the reader the characters feelings in this manner is amongst the worse things you can do. When a person looks