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31833 No. 31833
So yeah. After some discussion with reviewers, I'm taking the plunge and posting my own thread for this fic. If this offends, just tell me and down it goes.

SO. Chapter 4 of Divergence - "Foresight" is up and ready.
Following feedback, it will be submitted to pony valhalla.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/176NA8Bw0wpr5kWPPI2_TErBa-Ne7QUS4B7rMSF5QCtQ/edit

Chapters 1 - 3 may be found here;
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/07/story-divergence.html

Please have a read, and let me know what you think. Shit is going on, so anyone who hasn't read through the previous chapters is... well, missing many somewhat crucial developments.

Outta the gate conceptual plot punching accolades go to Grif, thank you for that good sir!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 31836
This offends me, I can't write this good....
>> No. 31838
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31838
Went through a few hours of proof-reading and editing with Seattle on the first chapter. Was very much impressed by how well he responds to constructive criticism (which is a good thing, because I'm always anxious and insecure about giving it, lest I offend someone), and was able to clear up a few minor issues regarding grammar, spelling and word choice.

All of the issues were minor - nothing was anywhere near enough to detract from the solid execution of the core concept. Characterisation of the Mane 6 is largely faithful, and this story's particular interpretation of Luna works just fine for me. Elements of the story are left just ambiguous enough to keep me guessing and wanting to read the rest of this story to find out what happens.

Definitely worth your time.
>> No. 31882
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31882
>Outta the gate conceptual plot punching accolades go to Grif, thank you for that good sir!

Aw, you flatter me. Thank you!

That said, bucking this for great justice. Because this is totally awesome to read.
>> No. 31889
Where's the substance?
>> No. 31919
>>31889
You mean like, the tequila?
>> No. 31937
Those cliffhangers are too brutal. Seriously, try to cut back on that.
>> No. 31938
I was not expecting that at all.
Okay, maybe a little, but it was presented in a way that made me second guess it till my suspicions were confirmed.
>> No. 31942
I've greatly enjoyed this story ever since I first saw it on EQD. The themes of percieved betrayal and the conflict between different kinds of loyalty is particularly interesting to me; I honestly have not seen such themes treated so well in a pony-fic.

My only concern is that the excellent emotional tone you've struck might fall to the wayside as the story continues. Your writing is excellent, so I have no doubt what you produce will be great. However, I will miss the interpersonal conflicts between Rainbow and the rest of the mane cast.
>> No. 31981
>>31937
>cliffhangers

Are you saying they make an actual detraction in quality, or is it a more subjective concern? If the former, tell me so that I may learn, if the latter, I'd like to hear more.

>>31938
Thank you sir.

>>31942
>My only concern is that the emotional tone you've struck might fall to the wayside as the story continues.
Frankly, you've just hit on the singular greatest concern I have in going forward. Pathos are central to my theme, so I think you'll be pleasantly surprised if as we continue.
And srsly, thank you for your comments and attention!
>> No. 32171
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32171
>>31833
Well, time to review chapter 4 *buys new sunglasses* Flutterstyle!!! YEAAAAAAAAA-*cough* hrmph. Yes.

Special thanks go out to Sagebrush, Sali, Kim Fluttershy Dykas and Stormchaser

6-star story for me so far :P

Yeah. Don't expect this "review" to be much of a review, since your writing skills are vastly superior to mine, in about every way and I'm best at pointing out grammatical errors and typos. I will be able to comment on the actual story, of course, but I'm mostly used to reviewing "meh" and crap stories, if you look at my thread. There are exeptions there, a 6-star story, a 4-star story and another almost 4-star story. It's getting uncomfortably popular though, I may have to limit the amount of reviews I do every day, or I'll never be able to write anything on my stories. I have written next to nothing on my stories the last 7-9 days.

Err, enough about me, this is about you, Seattle.

Yeah. Awesome chapter, as always. Such use of words, it's... next to perfect! Nothing I see that require improvement here. Only place I was slightly confused (which quickly subsided) was when the mane 6 entered the castle where Luna spoke with the dragons. I would think they may notice them earlier, but most likely they simply ignored the small ponies.

Nothing to complain on, nothing I can think of that needs improvement. Heh, this is beyond my skill :S

I'll rate it a 4.7/5 for excellent narration, dialogue, characterization, planned stories, cliffhanger, plot, idea, conflict, transitioning and detail (This is a rating for the entire story so far). Excellent work, I'm quite looking forward to not only chapter 5, but also any other pony work you may come up with in the future.
>> No. 32219
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32219
Bump. Because this story, this person and his skill is worth it X10.

Give him some damn reviews! ARGH!
>> No. 32261
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32261
>>31833
I have not been looking around this site too much, having soo many watched, and mostly reading everything on Equ Daily so missed this one some how. And I am so sad I did. A wonderful work of art so far! especially since I love Luna and Rainbow Dash most of all lol. I can't wait for chapter 5 to come out.
>> No. 32357
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32357
>>32171
Thank you for the ... heh, 'exceptionally' kind words Kim. And the bumb.

>>32261
I'm very pleased you enjoyed it so far Jirodyn, and especially thanks for taking a moment to say so. I'm writing this for others as much as for myself.
I have to say it would not be what it is now were it not for the amazing help rendered from reviewers critisism, and many late-night "what if this happened" pony conversations!

>Rainbow Dash and Luna Best Ponies Brohoof
>> No. 32509
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32509
Community, I am dissapoint!

How dare you let this thread go in the forget book? This story is simply so good that it NEEDS to be reviewed! If only to praise the author and his writing, it needs it! IT NEEDS TO BE FED!

Uh... I was going to post a lot more bullshit in this post but now I've forgotten it. Oh yeah!

She froze like a little bitch when a tremendous roar filled the forest. A dragon was coming to rape her shit.

Chapter 5, as seen above, is coming to a good start! Look at that writing, it's simply magnificent! So detailed, I can see it as I read it!

If you don't want that bullshit I just said revealed (obviously not a part of the story, but whatever) I'll remove it. Why? Because you're awesome. And why do I say this? Because I'M awesome.
>> No. 32513
You know what?

There were three things that got me writing fanfiction.

I would have started with just one if I had seen this.
>> No. 33286
Out of curiosity, have you submitted this to EQ yet? It seems ready to go.
>> No. 33300
>>33286
I have, and thank you for saying so.

>>32513
Daww Roan.

>>32509
Much love Kim.
>> No. 33302
>>33300
By the way, Y U NO AIM?

Unless, you know . . .
We're all kind of in the dumps right now over it.
>> No. 33655
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33655
I don't know what to expect from this. I haven't paid attention to other reviewers so as not to imbibe bias into my review. I shall, therefore, return the favor of a running 'commentary' as I read the first four chapters of this work.

As this is not live communication, allow me to come back and say: some of my points might come off as a bit blunt. Therefore, allow me to preclude this bluntness with the following disclaimer: I liked this. A lot. However, if a blacksmith finds an imperfection in a bit of steel he's working on, he's got to heat it and hit it with a hammer in order to fix it; as a reviewer and critique, I've never been one for the 'hugs and soft words' method.
-------------------
Chapter 1
-------------------
This isn't following the dialogue of the show very precisely...

>Rarity's flesh gets seared off her
You have my attention, sir.

Hmm... on the one hand, I know that Dash is shaken up about the whole 'hellish visions' thing, but on the other, her scene and dialogue with Nightmare Moon seems a bit rushed right afterwards. 'released the torrent' is a little to literal for my tastes, also: I instinctively looked back to see if I missed a part where she picked something up. Maybe 'torrent of words?'

I think you're slightly overdoing it on Rainbow Dash's machismo. She's brash, true, but she's also a very sensitive filly under that exterior.

Similarly... Luna should be a bit more regal-sounding. She should speak more eloquently and precisely. Phrases like, "sort of" and the anecdotal clarifications ("more like polar opposites, come to that") should be worked into the first section of the phrase.

Despite these minor dialogue shortcomings, the story being told is being told in a very realistic manner.

>if your friends make it to the castle, while the Nightmare and I are vying for control
Extemporaneous comma, nooooo

>"But… but what if the Nightmare wins?" Dash asked, unconsciously slipping into the regal Alicorn’s vernacular.
This line bothered me. As it is, there's not enough difference between, (A) Dash's speaking style and Luna's speaking style or (B) Dash's speaking style and this specific sentence for this to receive special attention as to how it is different.

Again, you're doing a good job describing this Nightmare thing... it feels like a real danger. At the same time, Luna says, "Oh, it can't beat me." This implies... where's the danger?

>"You're tearing me apart, pony."
I think "So anyway, how's your sex life" would work better here. Or maybe "Luna" (Luna/Lisa). Still, it's a bit weak and out of context, even if it is a humorous line. By that, I mean, Luna's been saying "go home" for the past few minutes; why is this time "special?" Even in the source material, that line was after Lisa had been acting differently and jerking Johnny around. I'm all for a good reference to The Room, but you're better than this one. You can work another line in at another place where it fits.

>nuzzling
BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH! Luna's like... old

I like this, though. Maybe play it up that that used to be socially acceptable, like 1000 years ago.

>ten seconds flat
Nope. Sorry, it's a personal qualm of mine: Dash bragged about this one time about 'ten seconds flat;' She never returned to it (or '20% cooler'), so it's not a catchphrase.

-------------------
Chapter 2
-------------------
>move on, whats
Good job on not overdoing the Applejack accent but still catching her mannerisms. Regardless, this needs to be broken up more rigidly than with a comma.

The dialogue's a tad smoother in this scene than last chapter, but you're kind of overdoing it with the personal addressing.

The chemistry you've got going on... is pretty damn good. Twilight's acting like her 'fuck you all, I've got to do this' self from the early episodes, and Applejack and Dash are... yeah, it really feels genuine.

The bits with Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity make the scene drag too long to be 'lightning quick in her mind.' I'd sort of glance over how they weren't any threat to Dash's upcoming plan of subduing Applejack and Twilight and then get on with said plan.

>glad of the space
This could've been worded better.

Very vivid combat scene. Bravo.

-------------------
Chapter 3
-------------------
I liked the picture, but the hyperlink was distracting. I'd say embed it in the document, but at the same time, it's got words in it, so it doesn't work in that capacity, either. Maybe talk to Sethisto to have it be the title image? So far, it's not much of a spoiler and it does a good job summing up the major conflict of the first three chapters.

Your pissed-off Rarity is spot-on. Let's see some of that verbosity in Luna's dialogue! Still, I think you should switch around the two 'conditions' that she left them in. She bucked Twilight in the side of the head without any defense; that seems a bit more lethal than winning a somewhat equal fight. Then again, Applejack's in pretty bad shape, too; why not just say 'could've killed both?' or something to that point?

I have nothing but praise for a good portion of this chapter. The dialogue is good, the emotions are good, the actions are logical. Bravo, good sir; this is by far the best chapter yet.

I'm confused, though... is she with the Shadowbolts?

-------------------
Chapter 4
-------------------
Right of the bat... what's with the dramatic quote? It's an okay quote and it might tie in with the chapter, but it's breaking the norm. Maybe work it in with some sort of dialogue or someone's inner musings?

Similarly, you're overdoing it with the descriptive language at the beginning of the actual chapter.

Actually, why are you starting this chapter by slowly panning in on the scene? I mean, this worked for The Two Towers movie, but in that case, it was something that happened almost an hour prior (in screen time; in release time, it had been over a year).

Deer and Wolf nations? Interesting. Not in a bad way, that's just a really cool idea and a good bit of flavor.

Why is Twilight not knowing what the disagreement was about? She was reading about it in the first scene of the show. I understand that you're working in a different continuity, but at the same time, everything seemed to have, more or less, worked out the same way for episode one; what other changes are there?

Man, Dash is acting shady as hell.

>Dragons
Where has Spike been for all of this?

>an ovular clearing
In a WHAT clearing? That word, I don't think it means what you think it means.

>sorrowful nostalgia
Nostalgia only comes from one individual remembering something. I like the disparity of 'sorrowful nostalgia' because the words are at ends with each other, but it doesn't fit the situation.

I think the 'over-descriptive-itis' is a prominent problem.

The scene with Luna and a dragon... good lord, man, I'm getting goosebumps.

>I know what you really are! You’re Nightmare Moon,
A-ha! So she DID know what the disagreement was about leading to Luna's banishment!

>my sister wished for us to rule together. I wished for us to not rule at all
Or maybe not. I am confuse now.

Twilight takes the whole 'we should just abdicate our thrones' thing very well from Luna, despite your reminder that she's fiercely loyal to Celestia.

-------------------
Chapter 5
-------------------
It's good that you continued writing even after the robots rose up and enslaved a good portion of humanity. I have to admit that chapter 6 of Summer Flames got a bit delayed when my bunker got raided; alas, my time here is short.

The writing's on par with the other chapters, and I especially like the flair that you put on the conversation between Luna and Fluttershy.

I'm going to have to cut this chapter short, regrettably, as I hear gunfire drawing near. Live strong, comrade. We will win this war eventually.

Allow me to reiterate: this was a damn good fic, and I enjoyed reading it despite the nitpicks I had.
>> No. 33668
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33668
>>33655

Well damn Nick, thank you for such a considered analysis.
I'm going to respond at some small length, and if I gloss over any questions you demand an answer for, feel free to say so.

REMINDER for others. Unfinished fic, and here there be SPOILERS.
------------------------------------------------------------------------


The altered opening dialogue was intentional. I felt the need to cut out Twilight's call from across the canyon, where she and the others caught a glimpse of the shadowbolts in setting for later events.

>her scene and dialogue with Nightmare Moon seems a bit rushed right afterwards
Hmm. I was really going for Dash being quite off balance, and entirely reactive in an attempt to recover from how badly shaken she was from the visions. Perhaps I laid it on a bit too heavily.
Subsequently-
>She's brash, true, but she's also a very sensitive filly under that exterior.
True, but she hates to show it, especially in any situation but the most intimate. Here-in may be a bit of our different applications with Dash, whom we both love, and have quite firm expectations for. I expect some of my comments on your work stemmed from the same place.

>Luna should be a bit more regal-sounding.
I did wrestle with that. I even wrote out the full dialogue where she went as far as using the royal "we" when she spoke, but given the direction I wanted to take her and the spirit I wanted to come out of her, I felt it more appropriate to have her discontent with formalities, though she still speaks properly, for the most part. She has been a bit out of touch, after all.

>"You're tearing me apart, pony."
Okay, Imma level with you. I did not do that intentionally. Rather, the pic related was where I got that, and I'd forgotten all about the room. It was never a cult classic for me, and I hadn't seen it ages. Dash says that after Luna finally says "oh lol you're on your own, good luck talking down the manically obsessed bookworm and co."

>ten seconds flat
ImsorryImsorryImsorry! I was young and stupid!

>BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH! Luna's like... old
Hey! It was a totally platonic nuzzle! Just cuz Dash might think she's hot and blushes... don't blame me.

----- C 2

>overdoing it with the personal addressing.
I was just thinking about that last night actually, and ways to circumvent. Check.

>Very vivid combat scene. Bravo.
I was particularly pleased with that, thank you.

----- C 3

Good point in Rarity's concern for Twilight equalling that for AJ. She's not a medical pony.


---- C 4

>the dramatic quote?
Yeah… It's more a tone-setting musing, but I'm still kinda debating it's appropriateness given I use nothing like that previously.
Should I kill it y'think? I'm leaning toward yes.

>Over-setting the scenes
Damn! Double-Damn! In the last Snarkle review, it was commented that this was utterly lacking in chapter 3, and he commended the work on this one. Confound conflicting opinions from two reviewers I respect.

>Twilight not knowing what the disagreement was about
I'm working on illustrating Twilight's uncertainty here. Yes, she has her own convictions with the NMM play, but previous events have rattled them. She's trying to re-work the pieces of old information with new (the NMM vs Luna confusion) … I suppose it does come off a bit ragged though. Hmm…
Anyhow, her confusion, and Luna's statements at the end illustrate that history written may not have been quite how it was lived. Things are not as she expected them to be, and she's struggling heavily to make sense of things.

>That word, I don't think it means what you think it means.
You killed my father, let us never speak of this again… *facehoof*

>Luna/Dragon scene gave me goosebumps
Thank you VERY much. I was exceptionally pleased with that.

>Twilight takes the whole 'we should just abdicate our thrones' thing very well from Luna
Damnit Nick, she hasn't made that connection just yet! At scene end she's still reeling.

----- C 5 (lolwut)

>the conversation between Luna and Fluttershy.
Challenge accepted

If you ever need provisions or emergency extraction, you know my comm frequency. Resistance Northwest, out.
>> No. 33685
>Dash says that after Luna finally says "oh lol you're on your own, good luck talking down the manically obsessed bookworm and co."
Why not dwell a bit more on Dash's inner turmoil (or even have her vocalize these dwellings?)

>Damn! Double-Damn! In the last Snarkle review, it was commented that this was utterly lacking in chapter 3, and he commended the work on this one. Confound conflicting opinions from two reviewers I respect.
Fair enough, fair enough. Writing is about finding balance sometimes. I was helping someone with a dark-tinted scene, and told them 'this is a bit to light.' Our brainstorming went waaaay to the other end of the spectrum to the point where it was almost silly, but mostly disturbing. If Twilight says there wasn't enough, take it in stride; try and find a middle ground between 'none' and 'too much;' thereabout lies 'enough.'

>Damnit Nick, she hasn't made that connection just yet! At scene end she's still reeling.
Fair enough, but from your descriptions of the inner workings of her mind, it really comes across as she's... accepting. This seems a bit at-odds-with her paranoid and distrustful nature that you've built up throughout the chapters.
>> No. 33693
>>33685
>Why not dwell a bit more on Dash's inner turmoil (or even have her vocalize these dwellings?)
Damn fine suggestion. Clearly it needs to be fleshed out a bit more for context.

>the inner workings of her mind, it really comes across as she's... accepting.
Thanks for pointing that out. I'll consider ways to further intimate that she's caught up in the weight of Luna's abstractions. If only for the moment... although that precise moment is where the chapter ends... hmm.

>saged for politeness to other threads
>> No. 33741
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33741
Seattle, try as I might, I can't get my head together to write you a decent review.

I again insist that I will eventually get it right, but as it stands I have erased it 5 times as insufficiently clear and helpful. I can only implore to god that our little chat was helpful and that you aren't depending upon my review for any particular reasons.

I apologize for my failings and can only hope you will return back for my services once I get it right.

Hope you have a good day sir.
>> No. 33758
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33758
>>33741
Samurai, you have nothing to apologize for. Your efforts on the community's behalf are monumental.

Our chat, while unfortunately brief (for which I'm sorry), was quite insightful and gave me much to consider. The grammatical mistakes you raised I corrected on the spot, and I've been meditating on the characterization and plot concerns you espoused.

I do not wait upon your service, only your good health.
*bows*
>> No. 37811
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37811
GUYS! I am totally and blatantly soliciting a look-over on this brand-spanking-new, hot-off-the-GDoc presses chapter of Divergence. I'd like to submit this bugger as soon as possible, it's been waaaay too long since the last update.

I know we have a greater host of review threads going about than we ever have before, but I don't want take up new-author-space anymore than I did earlier today with Vim's new thread. douchy hypocrite, I know, I know
SO, if any of my esteemed peers would care to leave the safety of their own threads, may I present Div. chapter 5- "Bereavement"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wvztB4XQJh0p4RDc3smijRO2t2wfontGPgBNkY43aDY/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1
>> No. 37822
>>37811
I was just about to ask if you were still alive! can't wait too read it (Have too many tabs open right now)
>> No. 37825
>>37822
>still alive

Heh, oh yes, slogging along nicely. It's been an interesting attempt to balance maintaining my own review thread while trying to write up further chapters, but I've found the experience edifying, as the practice has been helping me come a long way in understanding the art of the word smith :)
>> No. 37827
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37827
>>37811
yay!
>> No. 37831
>>37811
The tone of chapter 4 and 5 are so different. I was expecting a scene ,with an epic air, where they plan against Nightmare. But instead I get one that makes me ,for a lack of better words, shifty eyed. (though that could be last.fm in the background.)
Regardless, I'm enjoying it.
>> No. 37834
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37834
>>37831
>>37831
>derpy eyed?
>like dis?

One of my primary concerns was the emotional tone of the story. Chapters 2 and 3 were the surge, chapter 4 was an ebb, and now the tide is coming back in. Damned if I'm going to let everypony get back together THAT easily.

>also, I take a marked satisfaction in denying expectations to the unfolding of events

>saged for manners
>> No. 37841
>>37834
Highly alert, like in Doom, or wolfenstein 3D.
>> No. 37893
>>37811

I have mixed feelings on this chapter. On one hand it shows that not all the problems between our heroes have been resolved, and as such there's plenty of room for development and conflict. I like that element.

I wasn't happy with Twilight's reaction, she seemed willing to listen at the end of chapter 4 yet seemed to give Luna little consideration. There's good explanation for that, but it just feels odd.

However, I find Twilight's actions to be overall believable and in character. It's funny how the same traits which can be so positive can also lead to such a destructive conclusion.

My main concern is that with Fluttershy injured and Rarity/Twilight on the run reconciliation between the mane cast will become impossible. I love the conflict between all of them, but if there's no chance they can attain the friendship we've come to know in canon the story loses much of its emotional tone. I would even say it drops easily into grimdark at that point.

Regardless, the chapter was still well written and I enjoyed it. I only hope that this twist won't make positive development of the plot too difficult.
>> No. 37894
>>37811

Out of curiosity, why didn't Luna just shield herself and Fluttershy when the ceiling came down? I feel like I may have missed something.
>> No. 37925
Uh.

Uh.

Uh.


. . . why would you do this . . .
. . . there is a line and I'm pretty sure you just crossed it.
As Fluttershy said, "hentai" comes to mind. That entire scene was a very narrow lead up to what can only be described as tentacle porn.
There are better ways for someone to lose their innocence than goddamn hymen splitting. Especially when they're in the presence of what I'm going to assume is a diminutive mind welling statue of dark intent.


Other than that, I loved it!
>> No. 37934
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37934
>>37811
Seattle, I am a fanfiction-reviewing MACHINE. You've nothing to apologize for in my eyes; I just hope some people aren't turned off by the twin walls of text I post for each review in my thread. It's a pleasure to look over such a well-written fic and help to improve it.

Um. /derelle thread
>> No. 37936
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37936
>>37925
Roan, pic related buddy
>crossed a line
THIS i hear from the dude who had Lyra eaten alive by parasprites :P

>>37894
You didn't miss anything, just not telling yet. Good catch.

>>37893
Thanks for your thoughts, I'll briefly address what I can.
> Twilight's reactions (overall)
I'm playing heavily on her utmost devotion to Celestia, and the newness of her contact with the main cast.

>reconciliation between the mane cast will become impossible
Not impossible, just much more difficult and complex

>it drops easily into grimdark at that point.
I TOLD edq it was going to get a bit GD. Did they believe me? Nooooo.
>> No. 37948
>>37936
Death and rape are two different things.
See: previous chat wherein I said Walker was a game about rape.
You can continue with this split (oh fuck did I just), and it will be fine, it's just . . . you might be able to do something better.
And by the way I really want to chat with you later, I'm almost done with the first chapter of the main story and I need to know whether this one thing is going to work out or not.
>> No. 37999
Alright.

I'm going to start by defending the tone change (from 4 to 5). While it is a rather dramatic shift, it's understandable given the shift in perspective and knowledge gained through time (that we didn't necessarily see). It's only a problem when you consider . . .
The jump in time, to be a problem. And it isn't, at least to my untrained eyes. You went back and told us everything that was important, so I have no reason to complain about it.

Characterization is spot on. Dash is perfect. The 'flaws' (not suspecting things and such) in your telling of Twilight stem from the show's own characterization and narration, so I can't really say they're inaccurate, but they aren't good unless you're going to be very strictly following the shows pathos/logos/etho-
Oh.
Right.
The hard part.

I get it. You want to take away her innocence. But you're not trying to take away her sexual innocence (if you are, WHAT THE FUCK?), so why the heck are you having her tentacle raped (nearly)? Why not show her the possible wrongs of Celestia's tyranny (from the nightmare/statuette's perspective), or her own death (as she slowly kills her)? You're using rape as a tool, which is fine, but you have to use it as a tool for something other than rape. Sexual deviance/innocence isn't even appropriate, and I don't mean, like, maturity wise, I mean it doesn't fit into this story. As I see it. There's just nothing indicating any sexual ordinance being in play up to this point . . .


I really like the idea that Twilight ends up doing the wrongs she assumes Dash would bring about. It's a very nice twist.

I loved it and I still love it.
>> No. 38009
File 131283221209.jpg - (39.48KB , 487x407 , Thomas Bangalter.jpg )
38009
All right, let's do this.

I'm glad you start in Rainbow Dash's point of view with this. She'd been acting fairly shifty for the past few chapters, so it's good to sort of clear up her intentions and solidify her role: she means well, at the very least, even though something's clearly off about her.

The Twilight and Luna scene is a bit weirdly laid out, though. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't help but think it would do better as one flashback instead of two smaller ones.

Still, I like how you intellectualize magic without dwelling too much on it. The room is kind of eerie and...

and...

...

Well, that scene could've ended darker. In all honesty, you should probably up-play the amount of cuts and beatings done to Twilight, based on the effects of the encounter. Also, there's a slight shift from Twilight to Nightmare Moon when Twilight goes unconscious; you should set this off with a break.

And the last bit of action was great. My only reaction: FLUTTERSHY!!!! NOOOOO!!!!



On to the more technical parts of the story, your grammar's good; hell, you correct me on grammar. I couldn't find anything on that front. However, there's a few rough patches, though, in terms of formatting and wording.

For example, when you shift scenes from Dash flying to Twilight reading, you give a bit of a hint with the context, but you should really have some sort of a divider there.

>The door to her room slammed in her wake; she couldn’t stay cooped up in that confining cell a moment longer.
I'm confused, did she slam the door while opening it or behind her as she left?

>*ZAP*
I'm not usually one for onomatopoeias, and this is one such case. If you want to have a sound, write it. But it comes off as a bit cartoony (an ironic critique, true) to just have a sound effect like that.

>one by one
This phrase doesn't usually work for less than three objects.

>She let out a scream of surprise and spun around as a knock resounded on the door.
Logically speaking, you should tell about the knock and THEN the reaction.
>> No. 38259
>>37999
Roan, thank you for your thoughts. Glad I could address most of your concerns in the doc chat. I took the most potent and appropriate device I could, used it the best I was able to, and have no regrets.

>>38009
Nick, thanks for reading.

I'll be the first to acknowledge flashback scenes are weird for me. I hope it wasn't too jarring, but I really wanted Twilights ruminations to carry the subject matter.

> intellectualize magic without dwelling too much on it
I plan on having a great deal of fun with this.

>that scene could've ended darker
RIGHT?! I could have made that so, so much worse.

Your greentext notations have all been addressed, thanks especially for not letting me use that onomatopoeia.

Think it's ready for official update then?
>> No. 38267
>>38259
Not quite, in my hobbyist's opinion.

I'd still dwell a bit more on the amount of cuts that she receives. I'm not a huge fan of blood and torture. My issue is that she's pretty cut up after the encounter, but during the encounter, those damages seem to be glanced over.

Also... "Nonononononopleaseno" is sort of like a "NARM" moment. I suppose there's not a lot of dignity to be had when you're getting tentacle-raped by a malevolent entity, but if you have something that's a bit more intelligent, there's room for more empathy.
>> No. 38599
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38599
>>38267
That NARM comment was very helpful Nick, I ironed that out best I could, with the aid of Sali and Sage in our final sweep.

Chapter 5 is now up on EqD, and it feels good pony.
>> No. 38820
>>38599

Hey Seattle, guess whose story got bumped up a star rating?
>> No. 38837
File 131299239744.jpg - (428.32KB , 1024x766 , 1302650477089.jpg )
38837
>>38820
> guess whose story got bumped up a star rating?

I, wha- BWHUuuu?!

WAHAHAAAA oh shit! Best. Morning. Ever!!

>5-Star-Story-Dubstep-Dance
>> No. 38862
Uhh...Ok. I just read up to what you've got right now...I think that's more than a litte grimdark. I mean, Fluttershy!

But I have to ask, was Nightmare's dialogue the very first change in this timeline? Had anything changed before that, or is this all really a result of Nightmare catching sight of a kink in Rainbow Dash's ideals?
>> No. 38863
Oh, right. Put noko in the email field. I hadn't had to do that more than once, new browser.
>> No. 38869
And sorry for what is likely going to be about 5 threads gunking up your most recent on here, but I keep on thinking I'm done, and then remember something else. Not very organized today.

My brain forgot how to speak comprehensibly for the next paragraph. Feel free to skip to the tl;dr.

Anyway, I'm still a bit confused by Nightmare's characterization. I suppose it's mostly a gap between me having seen 26 episodes and several fanfics of the mane six, and even a few very good fanfics on Luna, that gives me OOC senses that I'm simply lacking in with Nightmare, but something is wrong there. I need to know her essence. I need to understand her to get at how this fanfic wants to go. I've noticed in most fantasy epics that the first few chapters where next to nothing happens, just to characterize everyone, are very hero-based, and the season tends to fill in for that, but the way Nightmare has been presented, even in a ultimately wrong way, could have been improved. Argh.

tl;dr I don't understand Nightmare at all, and nopony that I can trust is even thinking about her in this story. Gimme some fleeting attempt at characterizing her!

And now I realize that the tl;dr doesn't even cover the same points. Whatever, my brain obviously is still reeling at the most horrendous crime that this fanfic has perpetrated. :Þ
And now to go find out how to do spoilers on an imageboard.
>> No. 38942
File 131302468965.jpg - (273.00KB , 1366x768 , 41735 - rainbow_dash strut upside_down.jpg )
38942
>>38862
>>38863
>>38869


Well, this is, um… interesting. Firstly, I'll just say that "noko" is used in high velocity boards so that when you post, you reload in the same thread. "Sage" is used to not bump a thread successively when you post multiple times, or to show disapproval of a topic. As /fic/ is among the slowest of PC's boards, I've never once had to use noko.

As to your concerns, let me see if I'm getting this correctly…

>was Nightmare's dialogue the very first change in this timeline?
If you're referring to chapter 1, which I assume you must be, then yes, almost. The actual first divergence from the canon line came juuuust before that, when Twilight was supposed to have seen NMM's Shadowbolts talking to Rainbow.

>is this all really a result of Nightmare catching sight of a kink in Rainbow Dash's ideals?
That's certainly a prevalent theory in the comments I've had about the story.

>I need to know [NMM's] essence. I need to understand her to get at how this fanfic wants to go.
Yeaaaah see, that's not something I'm able to just give away right now. Or I kinda, y'know, could just stop writing and say "here's how it all ends guys!".

>the way Nightmare has been presented, even in a ultimately wrong way, could have been improved
I… what? You want I should have had NMM actually tear Twilight apart or something??

>I don't understand Nightmare at all, and nopony that I can trust is even thinking about her in this story. Gimme some fleeting attempt at characterizing her!
Dude. Among the central points to this thing is that TS and some of the others are convinced NMM = Luna. Dash and some of the others are convinced NMM /= Luna
More central to your concern for me, as the author, is the question of which pony you think you can trust at this point :)

>And now to go find out how to do spoilers on an imageboard.
There's a ? with a blue circle around it next to the posting box (where you type stuff), that will show you how to do everything from spoiler text to italicize.

All else aside - thanks for reading, and I hope you're enjoying it, even if I'm not too sure if thats the case atm, lol.
Cheers!
>> No. 39077
>>38942
Sorry about that. I have my head on better now.

Ok, so you're leaving the exact point of divergence to fan theory. Got it.

And I'm sorry about the stuff about NMM's essence. I've been spoilt by a lot of 1st person fantasy mystery recently, where the main character always has a theory about what's going on. It's not a good mindset for this kind of thing, I admit. And no, don't hurt Twilight any more than you have to. Please.

I think...Pinkie Pie is the only one I trust. If she comes up with anything serious, it's usually right. Just by force of Pinkie Pie, even in this kind of story. But Rainbow Dash gets a close second, unless Twilight actually listens to any reason. Which would be unlike her, so I doubt it. Especially now.

Thanks for reminding me of the help button. I was trying to remember where I'd learnt noko. I still find it useful, on really slow internet occasionally.

And I am enjoying it. It's very well written, don't worry about that. (But don't get overconfident on that either, of course.) The content, on the other hand...Well, nopony is OOC, so that's something. And the idea is solid. Nothing more convincing to a loyal friend than the idea they might need protection, even if from themselves. The genre jump is a bit jarring, but that's about the only complaint I have. Besides your horrible treatment of Fluttershy in the last chapter. :P But seriously, poor Twilight.

Great job so far, and good luck!
>> No. 40362
I approve of the events in chapter 5, 100%
>> No. 42192
I'm not going to lie. This story sucks. The whole Tyrant Celestia angle has been overdone to the point where it has lost all meaning as a story-telling rool, Dash is out of character (she's not even willing to consider that her friends are in the right, always believing Luna over them), and as far as I'm concerned, she has earned the Cupcakes treatment in this tale.
>> No. 42196
>>42192
-.-

>This story sucks

I call complete total bullshit on that. I've worked with... spoken a lot with the author, he's a skilled reviewer and a good person. You really think he would use something as over-used as tyrant Celestia?

I think not.

Dash is true to her element, the Element of Loyalty. All she has done up until now has been doing her best to help her friends, making sure that they don't die and what-not. Also, this is before she became good friends with Rarity, Twilight and the likes. This is halfways in episode 2 the story starts.

I never thought I'd say something as ignorant as this... but you try making a better story.

Anyhow, could you please elaborate on what you didn't like, the parts, the ideas, characters? We can't really make much out of two lines of hate.

Personally, I love this story and I'm looking forward to seeing it develop. If you hate something, try to point out WHAT you hate about it.

I hate Past Sins, yet still in the comments I've given on it and the email I've sent to the author, I've offered nothing but helpful critique (even an offer of help...)

The writing alone in this story is just excellent, really some of the best I've seen. That alone is a big boost. He also handles everything that happens very well, so that's also a boost.

You can't just say that they are OOC as the events unfold and, considering that they're not even friends yet, they're acting very good IMHO. These aren't just cartoon characters trying to... wait let me try that again.

They aren't just cartoon ponies trying to... crap.

They aren't just flying pieces of tobacco trying to find a... no that won't work.

Please elaborate on what you "hate" of it. I'm sure the author would greatly appreciate you pointing it out. If there is one thing an author likes, it's quality feedback. Huge comments/posts taking parts of the story and commenting on them in detail.

As a reviewer, I love this story. As a reader, I also love this story.

PLEASE elaborate on what you hate, I'm also aching to know what you hate and why (Celestia has yet to be revealed... nor her reasons for what she did. Hold on tight, I doubt it will be the classical tyrant Celestia thing).
>> No. 42200
*Tool
>> No. 42201
No, Dash is not acting on her Element. Being loyal also entails listening to your friends and considering their point of view, and trying to work out some kind of solution. She has not done that. She immediately believed Luna and turned against her friends simply because of something an entity she has never met before told her. The fact that Luna has been of absolutely no help in calming matters should be her first clue.

What I hate? I hate the whole idea of the ponies fighting each other like they did, I hate the idea of Dash being anybody's toadie, and I hate how this story has driven a wedge between them all.

I have written better than this.
>> No. 42202
And another thing. It was their friendship that generated the Elements of Harmony and defeated Nightmare Moon in the Pilot, and that is the point of the series as a whole. Any fanfic that tears the group apart like this is a betrayal of that.
On top of that, Celestia is Twilight's teacher and mentor, and the fact that no one has done anything to put her fears about the ultimate fate of his mentor figure at ease furthers my point. How else can Twilight be expected at act. As far as I am concerned, she's entirely in the right.
>> No. 42203
As for OOC: Dash would not attack her friends, she would be loyal enough to consider what they're saying and they would have proceeded onto the castle and used the Elements if she were.
>> No. 42204
>>42201
Dash believes Luna when she RAISES THE SUN. In the pony world, that's a lot of proof I tell you.

>I have written better than this.

Alright, link it and I'll compare them and review the story at a whole.

I'd say she's with her element. Please don't make me elaborate. I'm not in the mood for a massive explanatory post.

>>42202

Dude calm down, it's FAN FICTION. It's not supposed to be canon no matter what. FAN. FICTION.

I wonder how you react to crossovers...

What I'm the most interested in right now is seeing the work you call better. Please link.
>> No. 42205
>>42203
*shrugs*

Have you even read the story? If they went to the castle, the pure magic of Luna and NMM would tear them apart.

I won't continue this debate.
>> No. 42206
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42206
I don't if troll or just very confused....
>> No. 42208
Past Sins is way better than this. Always Sunn Skies is better as well. Let's see, Ponies Discover /co/, The Sun Is Tired, the various Slender Mane stories, Merely a Mare, Progress, Bubbles, The Fourth Crusader, Through Simple Eyes, Obsessive Compulsive Rarity, and others.
My fanfic? Yeah, I don't think so. I don't trust you at all. Your favoritism to Seattle Lite might just result in my review section having a tone of negative reviews bashing it, and I've worked far too long to let anyone to drive away potential future readers now.
I did read the story, and the sun was sickly looking when it rose up. I also don't buy that the Night Moon would have torn them apart.
>> No. 42211
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42211
>>42208
>> No. 42213
>>42208
I sense a fanboy. Well, it's obvious that your work isn't good enough compared to this, otherwise you would have posted it.

I'm a reviewer and I have been so for quite some time. A quality needed is to be as unbiased as possible. If you were to post you work it would be fair reviewing. If it was better than Divergence, so be it. Alas, I may never know.

Keep trolling.
>> No. 42222
>>42208
What? Haters be hating. Don't disparage one's work just because you dislike the premise. His writing is solid. His characters all act believably in the context of the situation.

>I have written better than this.
O RLY? Being on a chan board, you do know you're just going to get laughed at unless you actually prove it?

>I've worked far too long to let anyone to drive away potential future readers now.
lol? Readers will come with or without a review from KFD. If you can write better than Seattle, then you certainly will have readers pouring in. Put your money where your mouth is and prove it.
>> No. 42225
>>42208
I can settle this, if you should so choose. I haven't read either of your stories so it'll be a fresh view for both. All I require is a deposit of fifty souls, at least ten of which have to be virgins.
Also, Past Sins is junk, and I can give you a laundry list as to why that is.
>> No. 42233
Considering that I put Chan lower than dirt, I could care less if I'm laughed at by it's users. The fact remains I don't trust anyone who posts in the murky pits of Chan regularly.
Besides, my fanfic is not G4 related, and this is a G4 page.
Oh, Past Sins is trash? Good luck convincing me.
>> No. 42234
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42234
>>42233
>puts Chans lower than dirt
>is on FFnet
>comes to Chan to talk about fic
>> No. 42235
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42235
>>42233
Since it's obvious you have no intention of actually being a reasonable person, I suppose I'll just play by the same rules.
I COULD give you reasons why, but I'm not going too, because YOU won't post your oh-so-special story.
Now then, please vacate this thread. It is obvious to all those involved that your presence is neither needed or desired.
Also, if being on a chan is such a disgrace, why in the world are you posting on one? Obvious troll is obvious.
>Picture is as unrelated as your argument is.
>> No. 42236
The author requested comments to come to Chan, instead of EquDaily. Simple as that. I am no troll, I just really hate this fic and felt the need to say it.
You are the ones who made a big deal out of it. Not me.
>> No. 42237
>>42236
As soon as you put Past Sins in with classics like Bubbles and Ponies Discover /Co/ I knew you were full of it. There's making a review, and then there's being tactless (and believe me, I know tactless). You were the latter.
>> No. 42238
No, I'm not. I genuinely believe Past Sins to be among them in terms of quality. You just have to live with that.
Fine, my fanfic is called My Little Pony Chronicles. Find it yourselves.
>> No. 42244
File 131403635291.png - (149.27KB , 600x700 , whydoiloveyoulyra.png )
42244
Okay... this is an interesting thing to wake up to. It’s hard to be certain if I’m being trolled here or not. In the benefit of the doubt, I’ll assume not, and sit down an discuss this with you (thanks for necromancing my thread btw, usually doesn’t happen between chapter releases). Time break out the extra-bold roast and my half-gallon mug.

Firstly, short points-
>Past Sins
OH NO. That is not going down in my thread. pleaseplease(Sturm)please don’t anyone open up that shitstorm in here.

>FF.net
What? My fic isn’t even on FF.net. This caught my eye, so I searched for you over there, and it turns out you have a fic up- “A retelling of the entire 80s animated continuity”
So nothing on FIM. If that IS indeed you over there though, I have to hand it to you for creating a 26 chapter work, at the very least.

>favoritism to Seattle Lite might just result in my review section having a tone of negative reviews bashing it
We simply don’t work like that here.

----

So then, as this is an incomplete work, there are some handicaps on my part in being able to fully explain actions and events, but I’ll do the best I can. The first one’s easy-

>Tyrant Celestia
Dude, I review enough works on a regular basis to know an over-played device. The connection is entirely the readers to make, as there is but the slightest allusion to the possibility. You’ll note that when Twilight screams “Stop talking about Celestia like she’s a damned TYRANT!”, Luna just stares at her, then breaks down laughing. Other than that, the only way to infer “tyrant celly” is from Luna’s previous dialogue, who you seem to distrust anyway. Why do you believe her?
Besides, merely the difference in wanting a diarchical reign over… whatever Luna prefers, does not a tyrant make. The assumption is entirely conjectural on your part.

> As far as I am concerned, (Twilight’s) entirely in the right.
Well cool, I’m glad you identify with her to that extent in the events that are unfolding.

>Dash would not attack her friends, she would be loyal enough to consider what they're saying and they would have proceeded onto the castle and used the Elements if she were.
At this point I’m having to wonder if you even bothered to read carefully. Given the circumstances and situation, there was no time for Dash discuss the matter over a cup o tea. And Twilight was in a rush along with the others. Dash was convinced that if they went across that bridge, they’d all die. The particular device I used to convince Dash has been well considered by a host of others, and not found lacking (if anyone can think of a better one, by all means, I’d love to hear it). I’m sorry if the pacing slipped by you, or the rational I painted didn’t catch you.
Just answer me this then- How far would you go to save your friend’s lives in a dire situation?

>It was their friendship that generated the Elements of Harmony and defeated Nightmare Moon in the Pilot, and that is the point of the series as a whole.
Well, YEAH, dude. The lack of resolution in episode 2 is the bloody catalyst for the whole story. Y’know, the point where it diverges from cannon, and lets me create a story.
*Rarity voice*- How ever will it all resolve?

Did I... did I get to everything? Your posts are so, um... ‘shifty’ that it’s hard to tell. Hope so though.
>> No. 42266
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42266
>>42244
>mfw it appears I have been successfully trolled into typing all that
>> No. 42270
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42270
>>42266
Because it's appropriate and it might improve your mood.
>> No. 42278
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42278
>>42266
>> No. 42283
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42283
>>42266
>> No. 42292
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42292
So then I reviewed a fanfic.

I have to say, the premise worked a lot better than I expected it too. I'm confused and somewhat suspicious of Luna being able to shrug off the Nightmare but I'm willing to set that aside since she DOES raise the sun. The misunderstanding was well handled, in my opinion. It's an interesting take on Dash's loyalty - by changing her priorities to 'protect friends from harm' like so, you've presented an interesting conundrum - how far will Dash's loyalty go when it comes to their own good. Quite far indeed, it seems. Dash is caught between the devil and the sea here, and I can't fault the choices she's made. In summary, wonderfully in character. She's willing to withstand their hatred if it means letting them live to see tomorrow.

Pinkie Pie being the voice of reason was what I expected to happen, and it shows a nice grounded, reasonable side of her character. It also shows how well reasoned Dash was, once she got a chance to explain her opinions. Not even Rarity could fully refute things. Oh, and speaking of Rarity, da-yum, she's ready to kick flank, isn't she? I really liked this portrayal of her, at first shrieking and panicking when Twilight and AJ go down for the count, but willing to step up to the plate when needs be. Also, her willing to give benefit of the doubt to Rainbow is another plus to her portrayal.

Your portrayal of Luna reminds me of 'Merely a Mare' with her aloof air, and also 'Frigid Wind and Burning Hearts' with her disagreement of Celestia's values. To be honest the part about her character that intrigues me most is her sending envoys to the nomadic races. I hope to see some Wolves, by the way! Did you know, in the black forests of Europe where they originated they could grow to be as tall as a horse? Not a pony, a horse. If we see Wolves in this fic, I expect something good. ;D The chess scene between Luna and the dragon also put the conflict they're in the middle of in perspective for me.

But, for someone so wise I really think she messed up in handling Twilight Sparkle. The blame is shared between them, but Luna is older and wiser. She remained calm but dismissed Twilight's worries rather than sooth them. She should have stressed that she wanted to find what happened to Celestia, she should have better explained what Nightmare Moon was. I take it that despite her calm exterior she doesn't suffer fools lightly, since though Twilight's explosive anger was unprovoked, Luna did precious little to quench it rather than poke holes in Twi's argument. It was like an argument over the internet! One person says one thing, the critic surgically takes the statement apart and 'refutes' it, but neither side is satisfied with the result! Luna is intelligent, but she lacked wisdom and empathy.

And wow, the turning point in chapter 5 freaked me out. Shit's grim, it is, and the nightmare has been established as exactly that. You delivered the emotion quite well there, I almost thought you were going to go ahead with it and I had to skim forward to make sure she was okay before I went back to read it thoroughly. Twilight's breakdown afterwards was completely justified - like Dash's actions in the first few chapters, it was a misunderstanding that snowballed catastrophically. Her doubt in Celestia's intentions and her fear for her saftey, plus her doubt in Rainbow which feeds into her dislike for the aloof, dismissing Luna, all coming to a head in the worst possible manner. I love how Rarity was there to support her though, you're handling of our favorite fashionably continues to impresses me considering how she hadn't exactly been a focused character.

I'm worried for Fluttershy, not for her survival considering Luna has exhibited healing abilities and she's, y'know, right there, but for how this could further drive a wedge between the mane 6. Though watching the tenuous friendship break apart is part of the draw this fic has, I suppose, as we cling to the hope they can rebuild things between them. Applejack too, I'm interested in seeing how things transpire. I will mention one thing, you present the Ponyville natives as being friends already, but I had always been under the impression that AJ and Dash were only acquaintance of Rarity's, and that AJ was only an acquaintance of Fluttershy. Fluttershy is well established as being Rarity's longtime friend and it makes sense for her to remain good friends with Dash, but in the end it was Twilight that tied the circle together. Pinkie is the wild card that matches with anypony, since I think her actions in the third chapter automatically upgrade her to 'great friend' in Dash's eyes, when in the series that didn't happen until 'Griffion the Brush-Off'. However, she's not the keysone - Twilight is, and her flight from the castle leaves me expecting a MASSIVE schism in the group.

Also, in the wake of the dragon (king?)'s words, I want to see some Spike up in this fic. Maybe they get a clue as to where Celestia is through him?

Grammar wise, it's good, but there are a few things layout wise that bug me. Every now and then you have dialogue from two different speakers in the same paragraph, which I find very jarring. I noticed it in chapter 3 and 4, I think 5 as well. Generally, you go to a new paragraph whenever there's a change in subject or speaker, even if it's just one line. No typos visible to my eyes, at least none I can recall though.

I think the next few chapters are going to be what makes your story into what it's going to be. How you handle everyone's reactions in the wake of things, how you handle Twilight's breakdown and possible search for Celestia and how you handle Luna's yet-to-be established motives are things I'm looking forward to seeing.
>> No. 42303
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42303
>>42202
That... that third line... I think I disagree with it on every level of my being.

A betrayal? A betrayal of the show, of the cast, of it's values?

Has it not yet dawned on you, as a fanfiction author yourself, that fanfiction is by it's very nature the act of telling stories that DON'T happen?

The thing about fiction, ANY fiction, no matter what, is that it is not important WHAT can you do, but rather HOW can you do it.

Anything is fair game to write about. Anything. So long as you do the story justice, there is no horizon. The creative ability of humanity is as deep as the ocean and often time just as dark. I can't condone the depths people will dive into those waters but I will defend the shores from people like you who vie to restrict it.

To say that an idea, a premise, a thought experiment in creativity such as this is a betrayal of the source material that spawned it is not only rude, it's ignorant and highlights a fundamental immaturity within your capabilities as a storyteller. You spit on the very principles of creative freedom, and that, sir, offends me. It takes a special act of idiocy to that, so for what it's worth, congratulations.

> yes, i mad.
>> No. 42304
>>42303
That's goin' in my sig.
>> No. 42306
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42306
>>42303
>Pic
You just got what it says.
>> No. 42308
File 131405764706.png - (19.22KB , 100x100 , mal60.png )
42308
>>42304
>>42306
Just sticking up for my principles. There's too much ignorance in the world, I've always felt that was the main source of our problems. We never know what we're capable of because we've never discovered we can push the boundaries past the default.
>> No. 42356
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42356
>>42292

Wow, firstly Var, I genuinely appreciate the time you've taken to not only read my story, but type up so insightful and eloquent a critique. You of course understand that my ability to assuage ALL of your concerns is hampered by the whole "spoilers" issue, but I will do the best I can, because you deserve it. Regardless, reviews and discussion like these are part of the joy of writing a story, at least for me.

SO-

>She's willing to withstand their hatred if it means letting them live to see tomorrow.
EXACTLY. I'm a Rainbow Dash man all the way, and blue pony is best pony, so her characterization is exceptionally important to me. Thank you for seeing the final motivation for her actions so clearly.

>Envoys and the Wolves
Yes, actually I did know about those gigantic fuckers in the old lands of Europe. I'm have a vast respect for, and am seriously captivated with the spirit of these creatures, so much so that yes, you will be seeing Wolves come into play.
(A friend and I once backpacked into an old-growth reserve where Grey wolves had recently been reintroduced [the Blue mountain range in New Mexico, an off-shoot of the Rockies]. We tracked them for two days, and on the second night, camping in a clearing, we heard two wolf packs fill the night with their howls. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.)

>I'm confused and somewhat suspicious of Luna being able to shrug off the Nightmare but I'm willing to set that aside since she DOES raise the sun
Aye, at this point in the fic there was still a great deal of ambiguity as to whether it was actually Luna, or NMM. As to power levels, I'm going to be elaborating on that further.

>For someone so wise I really think she messed up in handling Twilight Sparkle.
The points you raise why Luna should have handled the confrontation differently are all perfectly correct, except for one thing- I intended her to act the way she did. Its for a specific reason she didn't graciously assuage the little unicorns fears, and offer her both intellectual and emotional solace. Additionally, aside from your spot-on noting that "she doesn't suffer fools" lightly, as far as Luna's concerned, it's just the "tail wagging the dog" with Twilight at that point.

>Luna is intelligent, but she lacked wisdom and empathy (in handling Twilight).
Or… combine all of that, and add in Strategy. I'm getting dangerously close to giving shit away, so I'll shut up on this point.

>the Ponyville natives as being friends already
Yeah, see, this was tricky for me. I mean, we have no allegory to really relate to the way things are in Equestria, beyond conceptually. Consider- if shit hit the fan, say a bomb went off and wiped out the largest city next to you. Mass panic ensues. How many people in your city, your zip code, your neighborhood would band together, help one another? I have a cynical perspective on our species, because in my line of work I see the numbers of how horribly we treat each other every day.
I'm taking the virtue of friendship, and giving it actual weight in Equesatria. A weight equitable to that which, say, greed holds in our world. As greed and self-interest is the more fostered cultural value in our society, so friendship is in Equestria. I hope this is coming across clearly.
Regardless, Dash and Fluttersy are connected, Rarity and Fluttershy are connected, Pinkie Pie is connected to everypony, and I'd postulate that AJ and Dash would grow close over time due to their competitive personalities. Natural attractors, as t'were AppleDash OTP, but that doesn't enter into this discussion. I was never really happy with "Twilight makes the world go round". She completes the group, sure, but on a pedestal? Meeeehhhhh idontthinkso. That's just my take tho.

>We never know what we're capable of because we've never discovered we can push the boundaries past the default.
The application of this is more than the personal as well, the world we live in is as WE have made it, and the potential to do so much better is in OUR hands, if we just rise to the challenge and stop making that pathetic excuses of "divine mandate", "human nature", or even the basest "it's just the way things are".

So in summary, thank you again, for the time, the thoughts, and being awesome. Cheers to you Var.


>for anyone wondering, chapter 6 is nearly there


>>42270
>>42278
>>42283
>ohyou.jpg
>> No. 42373
File 131406824192.png - (24.00KB , 100x100 , msapphire14.png )
42373
>>42356
> mfw WOLVES

> I intended her to act the way she did
Should have expected that, considering everyone else's motivations were on the dot. Still, hope Twi's actions in Ch5 were 'not as planned', since chess-with-ponies just isn't fun without an unexpected move here and there.

> She completes the group, sure, but on a pedestal? Meeeehhhhh idontthinkso.

I agree. Still, they stuck together up until the very last trial, so the camaraderie has been established. It's less of an issue at this point, since the ball is rolling, but I just noticed it at the beginning. It isn't really an issue, just an observation.

If there was a big panic that was an equivalent disaster to NMM and her everlasting night, I sure as hell would stick to my friends and family and do my best to keep them safe. And if they had friends nearby, the more the merrier so long as someone takes the leadership reigns (I can do this, but I work best as a medium, consult and problemsolver, imo). That's sort of what I see with what's happening - Rarity sticks with Fluttershy who sticks with Rainbow who sticks with Applejack who sticks with Twilight, since Twi's the only one who knows what the hay is happening. And Pinkie sticks to Twi because, and since she's Laughter and unbiased they all mesh together as a group. Thus is born the Fellowship of... uh... the Friendship? Anyway, point is, Twilight brought them together, but now even if she left I think they'd be inseparable.

Still, in the fic things are fragile so there's going to be a lot of conflicting emotions, especially considering your words that Friendship has such cultural weight. Rarity and Twilight, being the least acquainted with Rainbow personally, are clearly feeling like the pegasus violated their trust and friendship. Rarity decided so give the benefit of the doubt, but less social Twilight suffers from the old 'once bitten, twice shy' issue.

Looking forward to the next, and I'm glad you enjoyed my musing on your work.
>> No. 42489
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42489
Couldn't sleep, so I finished up on reading. But I'm mangling English at the moment, so I apologize preemptively.

When I came in to the fic, I was worried that Dash was going to be out of character. That there was going to be some huge character inversion that would strain my capacity to suspend disbelief.

Instead, I find that version of Luna and internal desire for Twilight to be suicidally depressed. And that's just up through chapter four.

Essentially, she's been placed into a situation where she's useless.
She has people that she is attracted to, but does not know well enough to call friends, and one of them outright attacks her. Then she is informed that her mentor and the one person she holds in great esteem is probably lying to her. Manipulating her. Using her in some plan she can't figure out.
Also that her little brother is more important to her, and that she has no actual value to anyone, anywhere.
Luna dissects her arguments in the internet fashion, meaning that by the end of it she doesn't know what she has left to believe in, if anything she believes is true, and her self confidence is floating somewhere exceedingly close to zero.
Then she's violated and essentially raped via magic, told that the one person she used to trust and believe in is dead.
Which all compounds under the facts that she has no friends; the person she loves was lying, using her, and/or dead; society is based on a lie she believed in, but can't rationally support; and she can't trust anything she knew, anything she learns, or anyone she meets.

And I know that feel bro. Breaking some one's paradigm like that would not be easy, and Twilight has no fallback options.
She can't figure out the Elements, so she can't study. She's not strong enough, so she can't fight. She can't pretend it didn't happen, so really that's where an insanity usually comes into play.

For a second, just a bit, I was hoping Nightmare would infect her. Just so she could lash out and get some form of catharsis. No real reason not to let the world burn, she's not that attached to any part of it.

Still, I'm probably going to finish it out. Either you're going to play tyrant Celestia straight, or subvert it, at this point it's hard to see. Self-Rule Luna is either being played straight or subverted in what ever goals Nightmare actually has.

But if Twilight was to toss herself off a bell tower or cliff, that would totally be rational at this point.
>> No. 42513
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42513
I have to agree, I shivered when I got what the Nightmare tried to DO to Twilight.
This story is well written and among my favorites. You sir, earnt yourself a cookie.
Oh yeah btw, I did not understand" AJ wrapped around Dash's hoof". Could you explain that?
>> No. 42523
>>42489
Minty, dear, while I very much appreciate your thoughts, the following line confuses the shit out of me-

>Instead, I find that version of Luna and internal desire for Twilight to be suicidally depressed

Are you talking about the concerns you had of an inverted characterization for Dash materializing with Luna? And how on earth does it connect to the "internal desire for Twilight to be suicidally depressed"?
I am utterly befuddled by these lines. Halp?

Beyond that, your insight into Twilights emotional and mental state is bloody perfect... TOO perfect in fact. Are you sneakin about my framework? *suspicious glare*

>But if Twilight was to toss herself off a bell tower or cliff, that would totally be rational at this point.
Why sure! Then you could all gather around and watch the fandom descend en masse and lynch me. Popcorn's on me, Sparky get's my sound system.

>Tyrant Celly/Self-rule Luna
No comment :)

I do hope you keep reading, and thanks for the thoughts.

>>42513
>AJ wrapped around Dash's hoof
That Twi's take on the situation, after their discussion in the library, and seeing them interact on the way to the castle. Yes, I'm an AppleDash guy, but this story doesn't play it up

Oatmeal raisin cookie, ftw!
>> No. 42526
>>42523
>Why sure! Then you could all gather around and watch the fandom descend en masse and lynch me. Popcorn's on me, Sparky get's my sound system.
I swear I'll be the first one to throw the stone. Don't make me do it. >:(
>> No. 42527
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42527
>>42526
e tu Grif?
>> No. 42528
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>>42523
Oatmeal, are you crazy?
>> No. 42535
I'm totally justified in my overreaction!
...

Don't look at me like that. :(
>> No. 42542
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42542
>>42535
>> No. 42545
>>42542
Noooooooo! Anything but those eyes!

HNNNNNGGGGHHHHH!

(I kid, I'm eagerly waiting the next chapter.)
>> No. 42546
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42546
I knew I make more sense after a few hours of sleep.

>>42523
> Are you talking about the concerns you had of an inverted characterization for Dash materializing with Luna? And how on earth does it connect to the "internal desire for Twilight to be suicidally depressed"?
> I am utterly befuddled by these lines. Halp?

When looking at the post on EqD, which would be the first time I saw it back in July, I was worried that it was a fanfic about Rainbow Dash having an inverted characterization for the sake of the story. Rather happily that isn't what happens in your story, and Rainbow Dash is completely in character through to the current chapter. Nicely reinforced through her actions and thoughts as well.
If anything, I'd have to complain that the group is almost perfectly in character for later in the show rather then the point it takes place. Pinkie is able to get under Dash's skin fairly easily, Rarity seems protective of Applejack beyond her outer shell of antagonism towards her, Fluttershy seems willing to speak out almost.
The group is a perfectly functional mostly friend group without a lynchpin.

In the series, the lynchpin is Twilight Sparkle, who keeps Rarity from killing Rainbow Dash, those being the two most extreme fringe characters on each side of the girly spectrum.

In this one, Dash doesn't trust Twilight, and most of the others have very good reasons to side against her because of their friend. Twilight is the new girl, magically gifted but she really doesn't know what's going on.
Luna is a god, Dash is their friend. Twilight's just some out of towner who reads too many books.

Because Celestia is manipulating the situation, either actively or passively, Twilight feels immense, bordering on shipping levels of attraction for her friends (it's not something you wrote in, it's kind of in the pilot). By being betrayed by Dash, and having her join the perceived villain, she can't even trust her own emotional drives. If she opens up to anyone, they could just as easily become the next Rainbow Dash.
By having the 'villain' shoot holes in her world view on every encounter, she can't trust anything that she believes. Her emotional state is unstable at best, and she lacks any sort of pressure release. She is quite literally the most dangerous pony in play.

And Self-Rule Luna is one of the Luna characterizations that Twilight has no defenses against. She's exceedingly logical and firm in her belief that Celestia is in the wrong. All on top of the emotional instability, on top of being in character, this is a perfect Twilight engage in the horrors that Dash has the vision about in the first chapter.

Because as a character, Twilight only cares about Celestia and Spike at the moment. Because they're the only ones she can trust. And if she is lead to believe Celestia is lying to her, and that Spike is actually a dragon prince, she has nothing and trusts no one. ^^
So in my own head, I'm hoping she's traditionally depressed. Because any other options is worse, seeing as dysphoric mania seems to both fit her character, and be the most horrible outcome for everyone involved.

I do hope to see more about Spike in upcoming chapters though. I'm not hopeful for Twilight or Celestia, but maybe Twilight will be nice enough not to tesseract the planet onto the event horizon of a black hole? But who really knows what sort of wackiness a crazy element of magic with nothing to lose would do.

> Beyond that, your insight into Twilights emotional and mental state is bloody perfect... TOO perfect in fact.
Like I said. I know that feel. It hits a smidge close to home.
>> No. 42565
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42565
>>42546
>mine countenance upon such in-depth analysis
>i fucking love you

Minty, I'm srsly touched. I don't think I've EVER seen you type out so much in thoughtful review of a fic. That may not be accurate, but I see most of your comments as they pass through page 5. Hunting for them is kinda the only reason I go back to page 5 periodically, just to see what you've written.

You're painting the most exacting and correct analysis of some of the more subtle, yet also the most intense, emotional conflicts I was trying to convey without being overt about it. The fact that
>(Twilight) is quite literally the most dangerous pony in play.
is completely spot on at this point, but most people have been so engrossed in the overall character conflicts to make that conclusion, or at least to say so.

>I'd have to complain that the group is almost perfectly in character for later in the show rather then the point it takes place.
I have no argument against that. I have to agree, and it was a failing on my part, flat out.
>> No. 42847
>>42565
> I don't think I've EVER seen you type out so much in thoughtful review of a fic.

Everything has a time and place.
Bumping things from Page 5 I'm either trying to get the author to address clear problems that are keeping away readers, or draw other people's attention to rare gems that have been over looked. Either way most of the authors still paying attention back there just need to know people have read their work, rather then a point for point error listing most of the time.

It's rare that I actually get to analyze character execution lately, especially in incomplete works. Usually I get there for the post-mortem, so I rarely get someone to change or improve anything. ^^
>> No. 43821
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43821
Well friends, here we are- Chapter 6 - "Gravity".

Any initial reviews and comments would be most welcome.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nXC5B-QeHYx0usRP-i-RdROpfTq0km4uJeDeERi8PFo/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 43934
File 131454219930.png - (15.08KB , 100x100 , mal55.png )
43934
>>43821
Wolves? Wolves. Fuck yes.

Twilight impressed me in this chapter from her sheer determination and resourcefulness, and the idea behind the river trap intrigued me. I kinda wanted to see it triggered though... I had a vision of water shooting up like the Wall of Jericho, snatching dragons from mid-flight and trapping them as it froze, hammering home the idea that 'this is the kind of unicorn Celestia chooses as a protege'. Part of me wants to see how she'd fare in combat against Luna... Maybe later? The unicorn that shine most, however, is Rarity, managing to talk Twilight down and formulate a strategy to elude their pursuers, as well as establishing herself firmly as Twilight's friend, something she sorely needs at the moment.

I'm glad you didn't do anything maudlin with Fluttershy and healed her right up then and there. Her injuries themselves weren't the point of the scene, it was about the circumstances of the injuries. RighteousFury!Rainbow Dash coming down like a storm on Twilight's head is the worst thing that could happen to the group at this point, which makes it one of the most important things to happen for the sake of the story. XD, what? I'm a writer too, I understand how important it is to bundle trials onto your characters! Hopefully AJ will be able to mediate, though without Pinkie or Fluttershy there something tells me the ensuing clash of powerful personalities will be a spectacular firestorm to watch unfold.

Speaking of Pinkie and Fluttershy, I hope this doesn't signal them being writen out of the plot in some way. I'd understand if you want to place the focus right now on the other four, but I expect Pinkie and Fluttershy both still have something they can do to move the story along, even if they still are at the castle. Actually, especially since the're at the castle - now, they're the only ones with which we can see what Luna is planning.

As for Luna, her laying down the law on the nightmare was quite satisfying, and she begins to infuriate me in the best way because I have NO idea what is going on inside her mind. I'm on edge and Twilight's agitation in past chapters is more justified than ever in my eyes. She is perfectly opaque, and if Twilight fleeing with the Elements goes against her machinations she certainly isn't letting it show. Bravo there.

Lyra was... very interesting. You're taking advantage of the fact that our perceptions of her are built on fanon well, I feel, because though part of me wants to disagree with this presentation... it'd frankly be kinda stupid to argue on the basis of 'no, I prefer her this way!' Still, I hope you provide a platform with which to explain why she's in the background of so many episodes (as a nod to 'what should have been'), and I hope some reference is made to Bon Bon.

Did i say fuck yeah, Wolves yet? Well, it bears repeating. Freakin' Wolves! You pull off the forest guardian presentation well, and I like the hints them possessing a morality and psychology far different from a pony, though not totally incomparable. In that light, Lyra's posture is a nice nod to her relationship with the beasts - it's not natural, but if you think about it, neither are cities or paintings or music.
>> No. 43955
>>43934
I have to run out the door in 5 minutes, but just wanted to say thanks Var, I'll get some of your good points later tonight!

Also, horry shit, the update already went up on eqd! Bugger, it usually takes a few days, and I was hoping to get any issues any of the regulars here may have had with it ironed out before it went up.
*shrug* Trial by fire time then!
>> No. 43958
>>43955
By the way, forgot to ask, are you and Kim planning on bringing back that review thread of yours? I finally wrote a chapter of a FiM fic but the thread saged before I could get your opinions.
>> No. 43959
>>43958
Well, that depends on Seattle. I'm in for a new review thread, though I'll certainly restrain myself in it (as in, doing less reviews than normally, for example, 2 a day in week days. Or 1). Plus I got this Past Sins stuff coming up soon and I'm going to start working out again.

I should totally read chapter 6 soon. I'll do it tonight!
>> No. 43978
>>43959
Argh, that's all the writing I've been doing for the last couple days; fixing up the last three chapters. I don't know how you'll ever manage doing the first eighteen without having an anyeurism (I didn't spell that right but whatever).
Well, at least it reads a whole lot better; the last three should be distinctly more smooth than the first eighteen :/ .
>> No. 43984
>>43978
Oh don't you worry. I'll make it, it will be my nr.1 priority and each chapter should take tops two days, one of it's in the weekend.

I'm SUPER SHY!!! Remember that :P
>> No. 43995
>>43984
Each chapter only takes me about one day, but it's burnout you have to worry about. Repitition is, coincidently enough, a recurring issue and you're probably going to spend more than a fair bit of time deleting superfluous sentences (and, in some cases, entire paragraphs).
Just sayin' you should brace yourself.
>> No. 44003
On topic, a thought I just had:

A goose or a swan can break a man's arm with the force behind a flap of their wings.

I'd imagine Rainbow can do better than a goose. If she's still angry during the inevitable confrontation, I'd hate to be in Twilight's place. Magic or no magic.
>> No. 44008
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>>44003
SWANLESTIA!!! DEADLY YET STUPID!!!
>> No. 44013
File 131456313638.png - (14.19KB , 100x100 , mal24.png )
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>>44008
Dammit, I know somepony would make that gag the moment I hit Reply!
>> No. 44019
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44019
>>44003
> If she's still angry during the inevitable confrontation, I'd hate to be in Twilight's place. Magic or no magic.

Um... I'm in the camp that's worried either way. Twilight slips into a classical nightmare at times of frustration in the series. Rainbow Dash could probably break her like a twig, but there's no reason to be sure that would stop her.
She's already shown that she's paranoid enough to kill. But she's not having the best week actually, so I can't hold that against her. I do like the fact that Twilight is at least admitting that she's directionless and confused.

I have to say, I did not expect those two to be in the middle of the forest, but I also have the feeling Celestia may have set up contingency plans, in case her first gambit was unsuccessful. And we still don't know the alignments of all the groups at play.
>> No. 44096
I could just read the dialog between ponies and other races. that's all I need to be satisfied.
>> No. 44153
File 131459231213.jpg - (50.13KB , 624x534 , 29944 - AWW YEA guy meme rainbow_dash.jpg )
44153
Firstly, thanks everyone for reading, and I truly hope you're enjoying the story.

Okay, taking this in order---

Var
>>43934
As usual, your comments are disturbingly insightful. You're verging on connecting dots that I'd prefer average readers don't get to make till further chapters are released, lol. A credit to you sir.
>injuries themselves weren't the point of the scene, it was about the circumstances of the injuries
Precisely so.

>RighteousFury!Rainbow Dash coming down like a storm on Twilight's head
Haha, not telling, but you're right, the result of that encounter would be… explosive should they collide right now.

>(PP and FS)- I hope this doesn't signal them being writen out of the plot
Certainly not, in fact, you answer your own concern almost immediately, at least in the short term-
>they're the only ones with which we can see what Luna is planning

>Luna begins to infuriate me in the best way because I have NO idea what is going on inside her mind
i AM WINNING!

>part of me wants to disagree with this presentation (of Lyra)
This leaves me wondering how you would most like to interpret her character.

>Wolves, Fuck Yeah.
Eeyup, same sentiments here :)

>New review thread
Yeah, I'm planning on it shortly

----

Minty
>>44019
>I'm in the camp that's worried either way.
Yeah, a Dash/Twilight full out confrontation no-holds-barred at this point would be absurdly brutal.

>I did not expect those two to be in the middle of the forest
I was pleased to throw that in the loop, *what a tweest!* Atop that, it's a fairly pivotal development

>Celestia may have set up contingency plans
no comment :)

>we still don't know the alignments of all the groups at play.
WINNING!

----

anon
>>44096
>I could just read the dialog between ponies and other races. that's all I need to be satisfied.
Can I take that to mean you're enjoying the interactions and the wider scope it's building into the wide world of equestria? I hope my efforts thus-far has met your approval.

---
Thanks for the comments everyone! Feedback makes me write faster and better!!
>> No. 44156
>>44153
*rage*... I was anon. It's just cool in my head, the way my mind configures it gives the wolf a voice more epic than Morgan Freeman's.
Yes, I enjoying the world building.

Keep on being great!
>> No. 44179
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44179
>>44153
>This leaves me wondering how you would most like to interpret her character.
If I was writing a story similar to yours, probably not to differently - I like to twist people's perception of canon when I write, have them question details in the back of their mind. It's probably why I'm enjoying 'Divergence' so much, I'm getting a taste of what my own audience must be feeling. There's a blend of transparency (mane six) and opacity (you're tearing me apart Luna!) here that makes this a compelling read.

Point is, Lyra. The thing about 'for want of a nail' style stories is you need to account for how things should have been just as much as how things changed. If the only nail lost in this story is Dash's perceived betrayal, how does your vision of Lyra fit into 'what should have been'? She's clearly been in contact with the wolves for a long time, so how-and-or-why does a strange pony like that hang around Ponyville in a world where the Elements of Harmony were awoken?

Anyway this isn't criticism, this is just me wondering what your plans are and hoping they're just as cohesive as the rest of the character decisions made in the story. I have faith in you, but at the same time Lyra brings in an unknown factor I can't quite quantify just yet. Darn mysterious conversations, you can never get anything useful out of them! Just as bad as Luna!
>> No. 44221
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44221
Son of a-

How did I miss these updates?! There just aren't enough hours in the day...
>> No. 48201
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48201
Aaaand chapter 7 is up folks. I'll be submitting it tomorrow or the next day (moving an all, kinda busy.)

In the interim, I'd love your thoughts if you've been following the story :)

Current events leading into ch 7-
Applejack and Rainbow Dash are after Twilight and Rarity, who are on the run from Luna's castle with the EoH.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W4XRs4rA7oSbCyrF6DGHm-OZqCIXveA_tT34g4rSfo8/edit

Enjoy!
>> No. 48213
Impressive. Nothing jumps out except for the frantic escape and the constantly negative escalation of this particular engagement.

Too bad it'll be forever until part 8 is ready.
>> No. 48215
>>48213

Thanks for reading Minty!

>Too bad it'll be forever until part 8 is ready.
Hey, I've been pretty good about keeping updates at around two weeks or so... give or take a day... maybe a little. heh.
I'll admit, ch 8 events are giving me trouble.
>> No. 48240
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48240
>Takes out a dusty turntable. It obviously hasn't been used in almost a month.
>Let's kick this shit.

Chapter 6
----------------
Stream of consciousness:

-little purple unicorn // that's a tad TOO descriptive
-"We have not a hope" // that's clunky, even for Rarity
-"I care about you" // maybe a bit deep for having just met one another?
-The 'seeing red' pun doesn't work at all. :/
-"Get her into bed" // oh, lordy
-"But the princess, and AJ"// no comma needed
-nor are all the descriptors on the bed
-Ah, dramatic irony. She's spending time setting traps for dragons
-AH, that link. But Octavia and Lyra kind of come out of nowhere
-Ok, I'm weirded out by them now

Detailed Thoughts
Ah, the plot thickens. I'll be honest, the parts with Rarity and Twilight kind of drag on; for running for their lives, they seem almost bored and blasé about it all. Still, the... EVERYTHING ELSE in the chapter more than makes up for it. It's not that they're slow and boring by comparison, either: you started with Twilight and Rarity, so that was the first thing I noticed.

Actually, the FIRST thing I noticed was that the purple prose is back. It's light, I guess, but you DO go overboard on the descriptors here and there. There's a balance between 'cold prose' and 'purple prose,' you're definitely erring on the side of too many descriptors here. Try and streamline a bit, then Twilight and Rarity's scenes might flow better and faster.

You need to slow down a bit with the dragons, too. Give a bit more description; my head was kind of spinning trying to keep track of who Elder was (it was... S... guy). Also, was Luna implying "Kill them if need be?" and Rainbow Dash / Applejack were just cool with it?

Cause that's metal as fuck.

Finally... that... ending scene. Octavia's silent, which I like, and Lyra... makes me think that Twilight is actually tripping balls at the end there. At any rate, you definitely succeeded in writing a mystical, magical feeling that's somehow safe and foreboding at the same time. I'm looking forward to chapter 7...

Chapter 7
----------------

...WHICH IS RIGHT HERE!
Stream of consciousness:
-"the wind gliding easily over her aerodynamic frame" // I don't like this phrase at all.
-Wait... they're going to follow into the forest AFTER them? IT'S got A lot of TRAPs!
-"like a freight train" // powerful imagery aside, perhaps it's a bit TOO powerful for its use
-LESBIANISM AT 2 O' CLOCK HIGH!
-There's an egghead who leads a life of danger... Secret... AGENT Unicorn! Secret... AGENT Unicorn!
-Applejack seems a bit TOO wise for a panicked scene. They didn't hear the dragons roar, they just heard the moon sort of falling, didn't they?
-Badass elite squadron of guards? Hellz yeah

All right, this chapter's a lot more consistently-paced. It's... hard to think of anything negative to say, other than the 'out of the blue' pass that Rainbow makes at Applejack.

Actually, the two 'ancients' have sort of trouble in their exposition. First, the wolf, you kind of drop the ball in terms of describing him. I understand that he enters as a sort of 'deus ex machina' to thwart the trap, but it's weird to have an action occurring BEFORE you know WHAT is doing it, usually. Also, Rainbow Dash seems a bit delirious when describing him, especially with her snap back to "OH, I MEAN A PREDATOR OVER POOR, HELPLESS APPLEJACK!"

And then, you have a dragon basically crash into town and head over to the library. I think you should give a bit more exposition on this event. I like the description of the elite squadron, but it seems to almost overpower the event that the chapter ends on.

All in all, a good chapter that gets a little bit too quick near the end.

Also, the descriptor problem is still here, but it's still a lot better than parts of chapter six were.
>> No. 48381
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>>48240
Thanks for that Nick!

Let's see here now…

>LESBIANISM AT 2 O' CLOCK HIGH!
pic related ftw
noregrets.jpg

>purple prose
Aye, it's an affliction. I try to keep balanced. Thanks for the reminder.

>Cause that's metal as fuck.
ROCK

>definitely succeeded in writing a mystical, magical feeling that's somehow safe and foreboding at the same time
THANK YOU. That shit was driving me up a wall. I re-wrote that shit like 20 times.

>the wind gliding easily over her aerodynamic frame" // I don't like this phrase at all.
I did stuff to it-
>Now airborne, the wind flowing easily around her aerodynamic frame, she began…
You like more?

>Applejack seems a bit TOO wise for a panicked scene
Um. There are a couple of them. Which one are you referring to?

>They didn't hear the dragons roar
AJ an Dash? Sure they did, there were right below him.

>wolf scene- it's weird to have an action occurring BEFORE you know WHAT is doing it, usually
Yeah, not a way I'd usually play it, but it felt right.

>the description of the elite squadron, but it seems to almost overpower the event that the chapter ends on.
kinda-sorta going for that. Understated cliffhanger sorta thing I guess. I'll consider expounding the last scene, but I canna go too far, as it plays too heavily into my plans for Ch 8. Trust me on this one.

Thanks, as ever, for your thoughts Nick. Really appreciate it mate. Cheers.
>> No. 48386
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>>48381
>Now airborne, the wind flowing easily around her aerodynamic frame, she began…
>You like more?
That's better, but why not throw a 'with' in there:
>Now airborne, and with her aerodynamic frame easily cutting through the wind, she began...

The panicked scene with Applejack was them still rushing to follow Rarity and Twilight, but after the traps. Like, it kind of stuck out how Applejack knew EXACTLY what had happened. The 'they didn't hear the dragons roar' bit was my sleep-deprived way of saying, "How would Applejack know that Twilight and Rarity even heard it? They took the road back at first, so the pair could have been far enough away that the sound didn't carry." Or at least, Applejack might have thought that.

As for the wolf, fair enough, but maybe have Rainbow Dash focus on 'a glimpse she catches' as said wolf stops in one place to attack the vines? Then, she can do the "oh, it's a wolf!" bit later and the connection feels more concrete.
>> No. 48397
>>48386
>it kind of stuck out how Applejack knew EXACTLY what had happened.
Ah, gotcha. Well, it's really conjecture from AJ- what she *wants* the truth to be, and how she wants to talk Dash down a bit. It does happen to be true, yes, but... hmm. Yeah, I'll think on that.
That aside, dragons are kinda... um, loud. Roar n shit. A lion's roar can carry for what, 8 miles? I think it's safe to say they heard him.

>maybe have Rainbow Dash focus on 'a glimpse she catches' as said wolf stops in one place
well... she's kinda been hurled into a bloody bush at this point. I try to tie in the wolf exp with AJ until Dash reacts. I'll think on that. Thanks.
>> No. 48442
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>Review summary: I liked it, but it didn't go beyond my expectations.

Despite the events occurring in the chapter, the majority of it felt rather like a transition. Previous chapters set up the events in the forest and Rainbow and Applejack seemed to tick them off one by one. Twilight's traps, check. Deadly consequences for one of them, check. Wolf showing up, check. Though they made it through the forest, noting in that segment advanced the plot, per say, and I was left expecting a twist that never occurred.

I admit, I was surprised by the wolf, but more over the fact that he showed up at all rather than act silently. I had guessed they would sense something tracking them, something which was setting off the traps ahead of them. Instead, while the description of their shock and horror was fantastic, I have to question your direction with the scene as a whole.

Maybe this is all just very nitpicky of me? The end of the chapter widens the scope of the fic considerably, and perhaps this was meant to be just a transition of sorts. Luna's preparations have been shown, so now will we see her sister's?

At any rate, the interpersonal moments remain excellent. Applejack's reliable nature lets her recognize something wasn't making sense, and she's willing to hear Twilight out once they catch up. Rainbow Dash cools off slightly as the time and focus the mission requires erodes her rage and lets her see the same thing. It shows that despite everything they're still capable of forgiving Twilight should the reason be good enough (and it is).

The Appledash bit was a bit jarring, it drew me out of the story a little since I had assumed it was just going to be straight gen. Not that I mind shipping at all, it's just, time and a place? I don't think the scene warranted it, so if you really want it maybe reconsider it's delivery? Calling her 'sexy' was definitely a bit much for the scene, my vote would be something a bit less blatant. My rule #2: It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

Lyra and the Wolf, something went wrong with their game, it seems. My comments about the forest scene lead into this, I feel. Perhaps that was the twist I was expecting, since Twilight and Rarity never confronted Applejack and Rainbow Dash thanks to the wolf screwing up. I'm not going to call it a wasted opportunity, but only because I trust this isn't the last we've seen of them. Lyra's role right now is far too ambiguous, we need to see what she's going to do next and what stake she has in the game afoot.

I liked the scene of Twilight and Rarity waking in the woods. Rarity's snoring was pretty amusing, and I'm glad you skipped the cruft and jumped right into Ponyville. The elite guard team was an impressive sight but it makes my stomach lurch - Celestia is behind this, isn't she? If so, Twilight's confrontation with her will be... emotional, to say the very least. I look forward to it, though I hope your Celestia remains true to her canon self. She can be as morally ambiguous as you wish so long as she remains ultimately benevolent, I feel. One thin that interests me about a possible confrontation between her and her student is to see Celestia deal with her plan falling catastrophically apart, both in political terms and emotionally for her student.

But there are more pressing matters - the allusions to Spike's value have come to fruition, and Twilight needs to race faster than ever to save her most loyal friend. Things are just getting worse and worse, and Luna is at the center of it all, I know she is.

It's strange, the gore described in this chapter doesn't make me bat an eye, it's appropriate considering the tone of the last few chapters and Twilight's desperation. And yet, I find issue with the swearing. I think you flip flop a tiny bit with the curses in the story, and personally I would suggest you go with pony themed swears, to improve immersion. That, and they're funny.
>buck - it's obvious.
>horseapples - shit
>ponyfeathers - are slang for fetlocks, and we all know the 'unshorn fetlocks' joke running around. Works on multiple pun levels.
>> No. 48474
>>48442

Hey Var! Thanks for reading :)

So yeah, I'll openly level with ya- the whole 20 pages of Ch7 advanced me an amazing TWO POINT FIVE bullet points through my main arch. When I got to writing the scenes, there was just so much I wanted to show, so much that needed to be illustrated- Twilight's real abilities with the traps (I wrote them out in a retrospect perspective, but it lost so much luster I just couldn't go with it), Dash's emotional state, AJ's solidity as a level-headed lodestone, so on and so forth. By the time I finally got everyone to Lyra's glen, I was already 15 pages in, and I had the choice of making this a 30+ page chapter, or choosing a cut-off. Since I have a proclivity for cliffhangers, I went with the latter.

Oh, on that note, that twist you were expecting? That was supposed to be all four of them in the same place at the same time. Passed out.

>The Appledash bit was a bit jarring,
Yeah. Bout that. No regrets. I know the tone I'm going for in this, and it's fairly adult. The set up was in Ch4.. (Ch5? whatever.) the part where AJ comments on Dash's new uniform being tight. This is just an extenuation of that, delivered under stressful circumstances. It's really not even so much an outright pass as it's a stress-release valve.

>Celestia is behind this, isn't she?
>She can be as morally ambiguous as you wish so long as she remains ultimately benevolent
;) Trust me on this one. I'm SO tempted to delve into the cascades of a "moral ambiguity is relative to those it effects" discussion - the whole ant/man illustration in relation to mortals an gods and their worlds-apart perspectives of the meaning of morality and it's relevance… but I won't. Nope. (just keep this in mind as things develop from here)

>go with pony themed swears
I grant that I did flip-flop on that somewhat early on, and still like to mix it up a bit when I can, but this again falls in with the tone of the story.

So yeah, moving on from here, I can actually progress with the bloody thing as a whole. Ch 8 is *still* giving me shit, as there are *so* many variables I could throw into play, that *need* to be thrown into play, that are *begging* for it, I just don't know in what damned order I want to have it all occur. As you so poignantly illustrate-
>The end of the chapter widens the scope of the fic considerably
Eeyup.

As always, love your thoughts, and thanks for your time!
>> No. 48488
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>>48474
>the choice of making this a 30+ page chapter, or choosing a cut-off.

Ah, I see, that makes sense. I know how this feels. Hell, it probably felt like a transition to me because I do this enough in my own work!

In the long run, this chapter will stand to the rest of the fic, I think - though the scene progresses very little of the plot it really would be a shame to lose the visceral imagery and displays of Twi's power. The chapter just requires... a bit of faith in the author on the reader's part.

Good luck weaving those myriad plot points, Seattle!
>> No. 49056
>>48215
Alright, I'll do my best to "review" this on an iPhone 4 with Norwgian auto-correct. It's a pain in the *censored*. I'll toss everything out on this one, I won't hold back. As a good friend, you deserve it. Onward!

Now, I'm a noob at dialogue but...
>thoughtfully, “So, what do ya think?"
Shouldn't the "so" be de-capitalized? Again, I suck at dialogue (so with a fic with a lot of dialogue on the horizon... not good).

>great!" Dash exclaimed

This is just me... but I don't see the point in saying she exclaimed after she... well, exclaimed.

>fuck

*sigh* I've told you to use pony terms when they speak (and otherwise), don't use human terms! Go though your chapters and clear them up.

>Hell

There's Christians in Equestria? See above.

Just slap the shipping tag on this story, (AppleDash) and it's good to go. :P

>Lyra

Yay! More Lyra! :D

>autopilot as she drew nearer.

Personally, I'd use "closer" instead. Your choice friend.

>shit

See above.

Too tired and exhausted to give some feedback... I'll tell you in the modning.

It was good though. Nice cliffhanger. Never doing a "review" on the iPhone again... I'm going to pass out now.

Night.
>> No. 50394
Bumpin' for the next chapter. Also for others who may not have noticed.
>> No. 50469
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>>50394
IT'S ONLY BEEN 9 DAYS!!
Heh, you're right though, I do need to get on it. By god, new chapter by Friday or I'm stuffed.


>>49056
Whoa, how did I miss this? Review by Kim? … on an Iphone… lol.

>Shouldn't the "so" be de-capitalized?
Nah Kim, the first letter of dialogue is always capitalized unless it's a continuation.

>This is just me... but I don't see the point in saying she exclaimed after she... well, exclaimed.
emotional context given. Thanks for that.

>don't use human terms!
deal with it :P

lol, thanks for the review mate.
>> No. 52001
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>>50469
I'm stuffed. fml.

>14 pages in, everything laid out and accounted for.
>epic battle scenes and heavy emotional pathos are HARRRRD to write well.
>> No. 53384
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53384
I've been meaning to read this. I have now decided to load up my playlist with a fuckton of Steve Roach and read it peacefully through the night.

This and subsequent posts to follow exist because when I began reading I found some things that weren't blatant errors per se (it's obviously a well-polished and well-reviewed work) but that seemed a little "off" to me, i.e. strange connotations of words, or subtle inconsistencies. Thus, I decided to start taking note of them. At any rate, I'm once again going to use "//" as with the reading notes I took on Summer Days & Evening Flames to denote comments on issues that aren't cut-and-dried (i.e. take it or leave it stuff).

1: Divergence
> Dash hadn't noticed the purple mist winding through the grass toward her hooves, and her eyes went wide as it made contact, the visions assaulting her mind...
I'm gonna split some hairs here. I'm pretty sure that "the" may only be applied to a noun if it already "exists" in the narrative and has been identified. The only exceptions I can think of are if its existence is implicit (by context, i.e. "the waves" if a character is at the beach) or if something that noun does is tagged on to it (shit, I don't know the technical term for it; I didn't major in linguistics). Examples: "the pain that followed," "the scent that wafted," etc. The visions as of this sentence haven't been introduced yet.

> RE: visions
// Strange format. Did you mean to put them in present tense? Also, the "flash"es seem kinda weird. I think the reader knows at this point that they're visions, because they're italicized and it's explicitly stated that they're visions. I think ordinary prose would suffice to deliver them and fuse them together.

> ...before turning to the thoroughly traumatized filly huddled in the grass.
// The adverb "thoroughly" seems like overkill. Making it clear that she was thoroughly traumatized is the job of the visions, and her legs giving out.

> ...before the violently shaking pony, wings arching...
// Another overkill adverb. It would be violent shaking if it triggered an earthquake or fucked up some shit or if she were having a seizure or something. I just think a milder adverb, accompanying "trembling" in place of "shaking", would be far more appropriate; at this point she is no longer being assaulted by the visions, and is thus wouldn't be out-of-control in her shaking, but fearful and weakened.

> ...that is the only way to be certain of the Nightmare’s defeat in our coming contest.
// Connotation: "contest" is a word often used to describe competitive events whereby the winner is the person with the greatest gastronomic capacity.

> ...the sun peeked a brilliant sliver above the far off crags, briefly illuminating the surrounding fog in a surreal orange glow.
// The sun is low in the sky. "Silver" you say? I think gold. It is a "sunrise" after all. (The atmosphere scatters shorter wavelengths of light, thus its blue glow during the daytime. Longer wavelengths like red and orange are thus more pronounced when the sun is low in the sky; the upper wavelengths have been "filtered out" by passing a longer distance through the atmosphere.)

2: Confrontation
> Her gaze flickered off to the side...
// Connotation: the light of a candle, or an old fluorescent lightbulb.

> Little Apple Bloom had been cryin’ somethin’ fierce an pathetic when she'd left, and now her frustration was spilling over.
This isn't in quotes, and it isn't italicized. Therefore, I'm left to conclude that you, the narrator, are speaking like this.

> ...outrage and incredulity at her friends stark refusal...
Possessive plural = apostrophe after the "s"

> In a small corner of her mind, locked against the world...
// Connotation/denotation: "against" could mean in contact with, thus implying that her doubts, fears and anxieties were very close to the outside world. I'm guessing what you meant here was "locked away from". Since it's psychological metaphor, you need to be very discriminating in your choice of words, because they are describing something invisible and (for all we know) intangible.

> Twilight cried out as the hoof slammed home...
// Sudden impact with head resulting in loss of consciousness might rule out being able to vocalize pain, unless it's a tiny, brief squeak.

> ...she fell backwards, cracking her skull sharply against the ground...
Denotation: her skull literally cracked. Connotation: her skull literally cracked. The skull cracking business is overkill IMO. Last person I heard of who cracked his skull ended up in the CCU for several months in a medically-induced coma.

> She felt a weight settle roughly on top of her before stars exploded and her head was wrenched to the side, the vivid imprint of a horseshoe left across her face, trailing the solid blow AJ leveled at her after getting the athletic pony in one place.
It was very difficult for me to comprehend the chronology of this sentence (I'd almost call it a run-on) until I had read it at least five times. To itemize what's happening:
(a) RD felt a weight settle on top of her ¡Me gusta!
(b) Stars exploded (!!!!!!!)
(c) Her head was wrenched to the side
(d) The vivid imprint of a horseshoe was left across her face
(e) AJ leveled a solid blow at her
(f) AJ got "the athletic pony" (RD) in one place
I'll assume the following:
• (a) = (f); (a) was the sensation caused by (f), so we can practically treat them as the same event.
• (c) happens shortly after (e); AJ leveling the blow happens before AJ landing the blow.
• (b) happened at the same time as (c) or shortly thereafter; cause and effect.
• (d) followed (c); her head was wrenched to the side a the time of impact, "trailing" is an indication of chronology (I'm guessing), and cause/effect.
• (e) happens after (f); it's explicitly stated
Thus, the following chronology:
1. (a)+(f)
2. (e)
3. (b)+(c)
4. (d)
That being said, there are certainly better ways of conveying this. Take it or leave it, here's my best attempt: "Rainbow Dash felt a weight settle roughly on top of her as Applejack straddled her, holding her down and leveling a solid blow at her face. Stars exploded in her head as it was wrenched to the side by the impact of Applejack's horseshoe, which left a vivid imprint in her face."

> As Applejack tried to rise again, She just won't quit! Dash stepped in for a snapping uppercut under the orange pony's jaw, sending her blonde mane flying back and collapsing the workhorse into an unconscious pile of bruises.
// This is... A run-on sentence? Instinct tells me the sentence ends at punctuation. Apart from that, inner monologue right in the middle of a sentence without a "she thought" or something is a bit jarring.
>> No. 53393
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Again, I acknowledge that this is a well-read and well-polished story.

First, in my previous post's sentence suggestion: the first sentence would be better ended at "solid blow;" having "her face" show up twice so close together is inelegant.

// The story progression is good, the conflict intriguing, the characters well-formed, and... Wow, the alt-universe world building is very good. To me, your story's universe is far more majestic than the canonical in-show universe. That's the sort of thing I have always wanted to see in fanfiction, and it's what I hope to accomplish in my work as well. Where Saddlesoap Opera provided a glimpse of such vistas in Alicorns: Blame (where it was ancillary to the story's drama), you in this story are creating a broader panorama.

3: Evidence
> Her eyes were narrowed, her jaw bunched hard enough to make a vein near her temple throb... well, pulse delicately at least.
Capitalization after ellipsis (you have taught me well).
// Stylistically, this is rather informal for the main narrative. I tend towards thinking that the main narration should generally be in stricter language, while personal narratives and inner monologues can step outside the lines.

> Dash hung her head throughout the abuse, flinching violently as Rarity finished.
// Does training for the black-belt rank in martial arts entail giving one's every involuntary twitch destructive capabilities? Again, "violently" seems overkill to me.

> Days had passed, or so the clocks counted and the calendars assured. {2 in-between sentences} The darkness had endured for twenty-four hours without break. {3 in-between sentences} The sun finally broke the horizon on the second day.
While the first sentence implies the darkness had lasted at least two days (due to plurality), the literal implication of the second sentence is that the darkness had been happening for 24 hours. "Without break" does little to change the meaning; it merely describes the manner in which the darkness had endured, i.e. in all the 86400 seconds of that period of time there wasn't a break in that darkness. The vote is 2-to-1; there are two sentences indicating the darkness had been happening for 24 hours or a short amount of time more (second and third sentences), and one sentence (the first) indicating that the darkness had lasted at least two days.

> RE: The celestial events
// They are incredibly eerie, and I like your description of them very much. They remind me of bizarre astronomy-themed dreams I've had -- i.e. two consecutive lunar eclipses, or the moon and sun moving very fast across the sky. When I read things or have visions like this, the primal fear of there being an inconsistency in the fabric of the external cosmic "reality" washes over me, and I get goosebumps.

4: Foresight
// Absolutely beautiful. As I read the the passage when the characters enter the castle and find Luna, I was listening to this:
http://www.last.fm/music/Steve+Roach/_/The+Spiral+of+Time's+Fire+Burns+On
// It's hard to describe what I felt.

> “To the... moon?! That’s horrible...”
> “Her own lil’ sister?”
> “For one thousand years?!”
> “That must have been a HUGE slingshot!”
// Flawlessly executed. It is very easy to tell who says what here.

> ...Fluttershy let out an almighty “Meep!”
// Gold adjective is solid gold.

> “Indeed...” he rumbled in reply, the baritone of his voice struck as poorly suited to pony ears, rumbling forth in a depth more akin to stone and earth.
Break into two sentences, or condense. What follows the comma needs to be in past continuous if it is to be considered a part of the sentence, and considering how much detail there is to tell, it would be much easier to simply end the sentence at "reply", change punctuation and capitalize the "the" that immediately follows.

5: Bereavement
> With a snap of her wings, she was suddenly spiraling upwards into the sky.
// Too passive. "She was suddenly spiraling" seems more fitting for a sudden loss of control. If she "quickly spiraled", it would sound more like an action and less like an incident.

> RE: Nightmare Moon entity
// Very dark. Crazy evil dark. So its escape was caused by TS's naïvety and eagerness to learn Luna's secrets instead of trusting her? I'm okay with this. Her impetus throughout this story has been properly given substance and clarity by circumstances and background, so that she would do something like this is certainly believable.

Great chapter!

I need to sleep now. Everything is getting longer and better, and I want to read while lucid. The longer I stay awake the slower reading gets.
>> No. 53599
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6: Gravity
> ...unsettling, it did made the forest...
make

> RE: Twilight not being able to use the sky for navigation
// I totally felt for Twi here. Once you get to know the north celestial hemisphere, you feel a bit sad when trivial things like clouds and trees get in the way of using it for orientation.

> ...slamming into the two Unicorns with a psychological force...
// Considering how this is happening in a universe with magic, I found it very easy to interpret as a literal psionic blast of some sort. Just thought I should mention it.

> ...well, skin and coat are something of a fabric...
// Did Rarity just do a lightning-fast stitch-job on Twi? Fucking hardcore. Thank you for redeeming Rarity. Her fussiness was getting on my nerves (again).

> The three trotted carefully...extra-cushiony bed.
// Almost (?) a run-on sentence. If it's not technically one, then it just seems really long to me.

> Dash shook her head roughly, “I dunno, but let’s go find out! Quick!”.
Period not necessary. Also, this seems a bit out-of-place; the same Rainbow Dash who cautioned her friends against entering the castle of the sun and moon in the beginning of the story suddenly takes it upon herself to investigate the "god stuff", and with Applejack at her side, even though it might place them both in mortal peril.

> Applejack had quickly matched Rainbow's frightening rational and coming to the same conclusions, agreed wholeheartedly.
"Rational" is an adjective. Did you mean "rationale"? Furthermore, I think the tenses of agreement and coming (to conclusions) would be best swapped; "...and came to the same conclusions, agreeing wholeheartedly".

> You are to pursue the Unicorns Twilight Sparkle and Rarity...
// "Unicorn" used as both a species and a title (i.e. as "Asians" would be capitalized)... Okay. Now I finally understand why I've seen it capitalized before.

> The feeling of utter betrayal permeating her attempts to rationalize her way though everything.
I surmise that earlier, this was fused with the sentence just before it with a comma. Past continuous tense ("permeating") seems to indicate so. This makes it an incomplete sentence; it is not a statement, but a lone object. You could probably reunite it with the previous sentence using a comma, or change the tense.

> ...Counsel of Mages...
// Nice to see that someone other than myself thinks it fitting that Celestia has an elite royal council of unicorn sorcerers. This is now practically canon to me.

> ...the unmistakable sound of music.
// The hiiiilllls are aliiiiiive...

> RE: Lyra as an enigma character, to whom the wolves are kindred spirits.
// Awesome. Very refreshing to see her as something other than the comical acts-like-a-human pony. She's almost like a cross between Artemis and Hermes...

7: Ambiguity
> RE: Manticore sprung the trap
// Freaking incredible. The deadly ingenuity of a skilled practitioner of magic.

> I mean, one wrong step we might not even see coming, an’ it's over.
The "wrong step" is what they might not even see coming? Or the trap that the one wrong step triggers?

> The huge creature appeared out of nowhere, throwing Rainbow Dash out of the way like she was a rag doll.
See my comment on your use of "the" in chapter 1. Furthermore, as much as it is obvious what the creature is, nowhere in this passage is it identified as a wolf, which doesn't seem right, since AJ had "heard tales of" the creature. Identifying the creature as a wolf would cement that she/RD knew what it was.

> A single shaggy brow rose above an ambient eye.
"Ambient"? Did you mean "amber"?

> She paused, long and hard. "It was all a mistake, wasn't it?"
> "Everything is, Lyra, sooner or later."
// I like this. A lot.

> ...now rumbling away like a jackhammer...
// pneumatic drill Rarity is best Rarity.

> "Bwa-what?" Rarity announced...
// Whyyyyy did you have to use this verb? She just woke up, so how could she be announcing anything? Announcing is clear, easy to hear and requires coherence to perform.

> RE: Twi describes Unicorn magic vs. what they experienced the previous night
// YES. More confirmation that I'm not the only one who believes the force of magic should have a "counterpart" of sorts.

> She mustered all the eloquence of her years of academic and arcane pursuit.
> (next line of dialogue)
// PRICELESS.

I can now say this, because I actually mean it: I look forward to the next chapter.
>> No. 53675
File 131719043274.png - (133.81KB , 792x582 , 130222071858.png )
53675
>>53384
>>53393
>>53599

Dem. You are awesome. Thank you for reading my little story, and taking the time to share your thoughts about it. Several of your notations are damned insightful, and I will be making many of your suggested changes. As a prelude to further comments, I'd just like to say that I got started here on PC at the time I submitted chapter 1 for review. I was waiting for a response, reading through the reviews, saw the influx of works in comparison to the few active people actually going through them and thought- hell, I should help out since I'm here.
This little history is relevant in that Ch 1 was my first foray into actually writing fiction, not merely avidly consuming it. I've learned so much since coming here, and this is reflected in the progression of Divergence chapters. As such, I just want to take this moment to express my gratitude for everyone who has helped me along to this point, and there have been a lot of you.

So, a few responses, as suites such a quality evaluation-

Damn near all of your comments point out lines I could revise for clarity, thank you.
Some of those more blatant mistakes, I literally facepalmed on. *ugh*

Ch 1-

>overuse of adverbs and adjectives
eyecup, it was an affliction, one I still struggle with. the line between purple and bland is one I struggle with, though (I think) I've gotten a lot better walking that edge.

>coming contest
nice catch mate. will change… probably to "conflict"

>"Silver" you say? I think gold.
Erm… It's "sliver" bro. "sliver".

>strange format of visions
Yep, present tense is intentional. the "FLASH"es… yeah, I may alter that. it's weak.

Ch 2-

>Little Apple Bloom had been cryin’ somethin’ fierce …
Yeah, I waffled on that. Though not directly thought-italics, the omniscient narration is focused on AJ exclusively at that point… may change.

>"against" could mean in contact with, thus implying that her doubts, fears and anxieties were very close to the outside world.
that's actually precisely what I was going for, seeking as visceral an implication as I could manage that Dash's courage and brash attitude is a constant struggle, and often a desperate front, influencing her actions and behaviors in ways she is rarely aware of, or willing to face.

Damned impressive break-down of that fight scene event, and very nice suggestion for a fix. Thank you.

>inner monologue right in the middle of a sentence without a "she thought" or something is a bit jarring.
yar, this was before I learned the wonders of the em dash. Will attend to that.

Ch 3-

>Does training for the black-belt rank in martial arts entail giving one's every involuntary twitch destructive capabilities?
Lol, touche. You're quite right sir.

>> Days had passed, or so the clocks counted and the calendars assured. - issue
Again, excellent breakdown, and you're quite correct. I use ^ sentence as more of an attempt to imbue the psychological impact of the event. I've gotten a lot of shit over this exact point. Consensus rules, I'll likely just omit the above, but damned if I don't like it.

Ch 4-

Thank you for your words on this one in particular.
Suggested change will be made.

Ch 5-

>spiraling
Nice catch. Thanks for that.

Heh, you should have seen the EqD comments for this chapter. People flipped out.

Ch 6-

>Once you get to know the north celestial hemisphere, you feel a bit sad when trivial things like clouds and trees get in the way of using it for orientation.
Or, say, city lights. I grew up in the woods, so living in a big city totally disabuses me of orienting directions by constellation more often than not. It *still* bothers me.

>Did Rarity just … Fucking hardcore.
Hell yeah she did. I had to really put some thought into Rarity for this fic, as most representations I see of her just irritate the piss out of me.

>the same Rainbow Dash who cautioned her friends against entering the castle…
Different situation now though. They're all already there, Luna is with them. This is a startled reaction to go and investigate. I really feel the insertion of RD insisting Aj stay behind while "I go and check it out myself" would have been superfluous and just… grandiose, on her part.

>"Unicorn" used as both a species and a title (i.e. as "Asians" would be capitalized)
and whooooo boy did I take a lot of shit for this one. one of the few points I got damned stubborn on throughout this work, lol.

>...Counsel of Mages...
Cool to hear you had similar notions, but fuck me sideways for using the wrong word. Should be Council. Fuck.

>The hiiiilllls are aliiiiiive...
YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE TO CATCH THAT. Lol, what can I say, I was drunk and couldn't stop laughing. I HAD to put it in.

>Lyra as an enigma character, to whom the wolves are kindred spirits.
I am absurdly pleased with this, so thank you!!

Ch 7-

>The deadly ingenuity of a skilled practitioner of magic.
Fuck yeah. I was going for creating the impression that *THIS* is the Unicorn that Celly chose as her personal protege, and this is what she's capable of when pressed. I wanted to get creative with magic while not over-intellectualizing it to death.

>nowhere in this passage is it identified as a wolf,
I trust my readers to make the connection.

>"Ambient"?
That's exactly the word I intended. I like the flexibility of personal interpretation it allows for the readers (mild confusion included :P ).

>pneumatic drill Rarity is best Rarity.
I NO RITE. Heh.

> "Bwa-what?" Rarity announced...
You're right. I'll go with "ejaculated". Lol, jk, will fix.

Dem, thank you so much for the review. I truly, truly appreciate it mate!

>I look forward to the next chapter.
INCOMING
>> No. 53677
File 131719122241.jpg - (68.22KB , 500x500 , 130342174778.jpg )
53677
I'm looking for a pre-reader for Chapter 8. If you're interested, let me know. I have two amazing people who work through every chapter with me, but I'd like to get a fresh pair of eyes before posting.

I intend to have this up asap. Through the grace of Luna and large cuts I managed to keep it under 25 pages.
>> No. 53678
>>53675
> sliver
Ahgad, sleep-deprived is the new drunk (for me at least). Total dyslexia. And I didn't even bother with a double-take, I just plowed through writing a self-important technical note. Sorry if I insulted your intelligence there.
>> No. 53679
File 131719143340.jpg - (50.25KB , 382x341 , Wat.jpg )
53679
>>53677
Oh, oh! Pick me.
>> No. 53681
File 131719265252.jpg - (45.26KB , 288x388 , Oreck.jpg )
53681
>>53677
>>53679
I don't want to step on anyone else's feet here. Since Nick asked first and there are probably plenty of others in line, I'll just take whichever revision is given to me and see if I can find room for improvement that everyone else ends up overlooking.
>pic

Also, one more comment:
>>53675
> Ch 1 was my first foray into actually writing fiction, not merely avidly consuming it
If you don't mind me saying so, this is reflected in the work; the writing improves with each chapter. For what it's worth, the same thing is happening in my case. I look back at chapter 1 (and the story I wrote earlier this summer) and think "wow, that was way more raw, stream-of-thought and disorganized".

<unrelated>
<personal>
Thanks to that dynamic (improvement as I go along), I'm having to begin a fourth reincarnation of my big fic's plot. Beginning with a "dramatis equinae" exercise where I write essays on each character. Damn, it's hard but fulfilling; in Ch. 3/4 I finally began really perceiving my characters as living things with deep-seated emotions and intriguing secrets, and thus finding far more interesting ways of carrying the story to fruition.
</personal>
</unrelated>
>> No. 53915
File 131725602287.jpg - (126.38KB , 954x656 , maybe next time.jpg )
53915
Okay you lot, ch 8 is up for review. I'm literally running out the door right now, or you'd get the longer intro.

Many thanks to Nick for his pre-reading efforts!!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12vvxuhZKs_UXiXI-entmRk9wk8biV-sOkl49bPu9jqU/edit?pli=1
>> No. 53942
File 131725818194.jpg - (15.08KB , 257x261 , Happy_Gilda.jpg )
53942
READING
>> No. 54004
File 131726682084.jpg - (147.51KB , 900x655 , 27435 - artist ladyamaltea luna older.jpg )
54004
(repost; corrected a rather embarrassing mistake)

> Her feathers...
// "Her" identity has not been confirmed yet. Thus, it's a little early for a pronoun.

> ...with no injuries to substantiated her horrific recollections...
substantiate

> being the adventurous type,
// Two spaces, lol

> ...trot brusquely down...
// Very unusual adverb, for something Fluttershy does, especially considering the context; she's alone and a bit confused. "Brusque" would describe Captain Malcom Reynolds way better than it would Fluttershy, in any of her "modes".

> RE: Princess Luna on immortality
// Despite how this notion is cliché, your execution of it is quite decent.

> Luna giggled.
// Formatting derp (this happens to me in Google Docs all the time): the "line after paragraph" thing didn't happen properly. Place cursor after period, hit delete a few times, then carriage return.
> Luna frowned, her concern growing.
// Same thing happened here. Not sure at this point if you meant to do it. From now on: ^D^J (shorthand for delete-carriage-return) will denote this formatting occurrence, for brevity's sake.

> ...he took it upon himself to go into Ponyville and ensure the safety of the young one there...
// Nopony messes with the diminutive dragon homeboy. Nopony.
// Okay, from here I'm going to do my best to abstain from redundant "fuck yeah"s, and stick to reviewing objectively. But thanks for the name-drop.

> ...'spit my bit', as they say these days... {line ends there without quote}
^D^J
> Her eyes were hard, bright as emeralds.
^D^J

> The dragon nodded.
^D^J
> Luna sighed.
^D^J
// These two occurrences look intentional. Still, I'm almost thinking they'd be better on the same line, with the dialogue.

> He bears a new scar proudly.
// Must... Resist... Urge... To RP...

> ...to meet Twilight’s eyes beseechingly.
^D^J
> ...Twilight finally understood.
^D^J

> RE: Twilight hugs Rarity
// I think this could be made a lot stronger if there were a tad bit of narrative commentary on how Twilight had similarly felt her world shattered (what with the loss of her mentor and dragon servant/friend and all) and thus felt the same way, allowing her to bridge that gap.

> For a moment, he just looked back at her in silence.
// The narrative is focusing almost exclusively on what the head Mage is doing, so I believe "back" at her would only be called for if Twilight looked at him or said something to him.

> He frowned back at her...
// The verb has been overused at this point IMO. I'd be reaching for "scowl", "grimace", etc. if I were you.

> He jaw bunched...
His

> ...eyes narrowed dangerously.
^D^J

> He frowned.
// :-(
// His facial expression didn't change since the last time it was indicated, did it? What he's doing here is thus synonymous with a pause, because that's the only other information given (though it is inference-based).

> ..Your story, "...
stray space

> The Mage just sat there, brows raised nearly to crown his horn. “You... honestly expect...
// Although Twilight Sparkle is the one saying what is in this paragraph, the description of what the Mage was doing when she was recapping ("The Mage just sat there...") needs to be in its own line, because it seems almost as though the Mage is saying it.

> ...saddlebags laying behind them.
^D^J
> ...head in a surreptitious negative.
^D^J
> ...this wasn’t her cloud home, was it?
^D^J

> This could turn bad, real easy.
^D^J + "really" suggested

> out, okay?” \n ...eyebrow.
^D^J x 2

> Applejack’s taught form
taut?

> ...vibratin’ somethin’ fierce...
// Me gusta.

> Now that she has some altitude...
Rainbow Dash's wings and AJ's muscles aren't the only kind of "tense" that is causing awkwardness 'round here.

> ...distant carriage.
// Whoa nellie, did you mean to put an extra carriage return there?

> They were weapons...
// Yes.

> ...jagged, gurgling sound.
^D^J
> ...neck and screamed.
^D^J

Ah, satisfaction.
>> No. 54015
>>53915

Man, stuff just keeps going wrong. This chapter was full of action, which I enjoyed. I particularly liked the fight with Spitfire; I'm looking forward to Rainbow Dash coming to terms with the fact she just downed one of her idols. I think it could even be said this is the beginning of the end for her dreams of being a bolt.

However, this story is beginning to drag a little. By that I mean that there are a lot of plot threads in play, but few of them have been wrapped up. I want to know what's up with Celestia, I want to see Twilight and Dash yell at each other. I want to know what's up with Lyra and the wolf. In short, I would really like to see some plot threads wind up or develop a little more. Action scenes are great and overall I really enjoyed this chapter, but I hope the next one deals more with the political/social/emotional side of the story.

Also I'm imagining Rainbow Dash leading a huge unit of Shadowbolts to assault Canterlot to get back Applejack.
>> No. 54070
>>54004
>corrected a rather embarrassing mistake
NO fair Dem! You get to snag all mine, but I don't get to see yours? :P

Okay, on that note, as posted above, I literally ran out the door to catch a show when I posted this, and *just* finished last minute alterations, so THANK YOU for picking up the dross I missed.

So I'm experimenting in style with this one, both the ambiguous opening with pronouns - not detailing who is being talked about for a few lines - and the use of unorthodox carriage returns to signify particular events I want to call special attention to. These are both things some of my favorite writers do, so I'm playing with em. Forgive me this.

>Despite how this notion is cliché
may be cliche, but it's damned true. wish I could do the presentation more justice, but I'm not Neil Gaiman.

>I'm going to do my best to abstain from redundant "fuck yeah"s,
are you kidding? I just got this fucker out. "fuck yeah" all you want, by all means!
>name drop
You like that? I hope you did.

>Twi hugs Rarity
>I think this could be made a lot stronger
*Damned* fine suggestion. I'll attend to that as soon as I'm sober in the morning. Cuz I'm currently running off of… um. A lot of martini's. Dunno how many. Heh.

All of your points not listed above, consider attended to, with my thanks.

Cheers Dem!


>>54015
Hey anon. Thanks for reading.

>I'm looking forward to Rainbow Dash coming to terms with the fact she just downed one of her idols.
Yeah, that's not going to be pleasant for her.

>this story is beginning to drag a little…I want to know what's up with Celestia, I want to see Twilight and Dash yell at each other. etc
I feel you. I really, really do. Please understand that I'm *trying* to GET to these points, but there's so much in between the major threads actually being able to come together in a cohesive manner, that to forgo the leading and linking events would render the resolution's and reveals essentially meaningless, because it didn't *cost* anypony a damned thing to get to them.

>I hope the next one deals more with the political/social/emotional side of the story.
Would it help if I could guarantee this will be the case? There will be lots and lots of yelling.

>Also I'm imagining Rainbow Dash leading a huge unit of Shadowbolts to assault Canterlot to get back Applejack.
No comment, but that would be fucking awesome.
>> No. 54101
>53915
Wow, losing Spike too? This is just a whole world of suck for poor Twilight.
>> No. 54107
File 131731287640.jpg - (79.90KB , 600x836 , 130621247616.jpg )
54107
>>54070
> You get to snag all mine, but I don't get to see yours?
Okay, fine. I was bitching about the thing AJ & RD seeing in the distance (the carriage) being referred to with a pronoun without it being identified in the narrative yet, when it was right frickin' there. Maybe it was the extra carriage return that threw me off and fooled my brain into thinking that it was a different time or location or something. Regardless, same two characters, so that's a poor excuse.

Also, if you want to see another of my embarrassing mistakes: >>54067 I neglected that his objectivity and judgement would only be called into question in the mind of whoever he confided in, which would be rendered moot anyways by the fact that a friend who would make a good confidant probably wouldn't judge him poorly for his secret feelings, all the more reason for him to share them. With apologies to Nick. *shudder*

I find my lack of reading comprehension disturbing.

> "fuck yeah" all you want
Huh. These little ponies do not understand the sacred duty I have to my brothers. Nevertheless, that is why I am here, and there is nothing they can do to stop me. None shall pass!

(since you've now given me licence)
>> No. 54555
Chapter 8 fully cleaned, Vital revisions made.
Status: submitted for update.
Just saiyan.

Special thanks to Nick for his invaluable pre-reading contributions.
>> No. 55131
File 131762398606.jpg - (22.77KB , 600x333 , 130313189167.jpg )
55131
>>54555
>new chapter
>mfw nobody gives a fuck

I fear I may have capped off at readers, lost all readers, or nobody has anything to say. Quite possibly all three.
>> No. 55165
File 131764423520.jpg - (165.24KB , 900x838 , maid_luna_and_applejack_by_alipes-d3k25vt.jpg )
55165
>>55131
Frankly, you done blown people's minds.

This is a great action chapter, and I am left worrying that Dash will let her crush override her logical capacity to recognize that Rarity and Twilight are being kidnapped too, but you still haven't revealed too much more about the characters yet.

So while a bunch happens, not much is actually resolved yet.
Spike's kidnapped, Rarity and Twilight are kidnapped, AJ is kidnapped and beaten. And that's a third of the cast right there.
Fluttershy wakes up, Pinkie sleeps in, Dash gets schooled in aerial combat. Luna starts to lose her temper, Celestia is unaccounted for, Lyra, Octavia, and the Wolves are technically still unaligned from the readers POV.
We don't know how Spike reacted to being kidnapped, and we are given less reason to trust Canterlot, which goes back into the strain Twilight would have at trusting anyone at this point. Outside of Rarity, but I as I also already said, magically induced attraction, bordering on shipping levels.
>> No. 55168
>>55131
Well, I am going to be reading it all today. Been meaning to read this for a while and haven't gotten the time.
>> No. 55201
File 131766510366.jpg - (154.73KB , 894x894 , water_streaking_by_johnjoseco-d3k2xcz.jpg )
55201
>>55131
Don't stop beliiiiiiiiivin'.

I think more Lyra/Wolves, more world-building, and more revelations of Luna's plans, if any, would be a good thing to put in chapter nine (better late than never). I know, she's an enigma character, but there's not much to go by aside from her wanting a less authoritarian Equestria/planet. We know what she wants by now, but what does she intend to do? I haven't the foggiest idea. Please point it out to me if I missed it.

Plans and goals of a character are secondary to motivations, but still necessary, I think -- unless of course you intend to make Luna into a pony Xanatos whose goals are never clear, but who pulls strings and sets things up so that she can "win" no matter what happens.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/XanatosGambit
If that's the case, then I wait with bated breath to see exactly how you manage to pull this off.
>> No. 55212
File 131766903882.png - (72.50KB , 226x220 , 1302557454464.png )
55212
>>55131
Dear Drunk Seattle,
>pic related
Look mate, I know we usually work really well together, even when reviewing. But for fucks sake don't go off and make an angsty post sounding like an attention horse, implicitly insulting those who are actually following your story and have already commented, then forget to tell me about it so I can delete it before anyone sees it. To be honest, I'm getting a little sick of cleaning up after all your bullshit. Get your life together man.
Regards,
Sober Seattle

>>55165
>>55201
Minty, Dem, thanks for the thoughts guys.
Ch 9 is going to entail a good deal of things becoming more clear, though not in a "TA DAAAA" manner. You know that feeling where you suddenly make a connection, but you don't wanna believe it and you squint at it like just insulted your mother, and say- "What? No way. What."
Yeah, that's what I'm after.

>>55168
Kurbz, very much look forward to your thoughts.
>> No. 55223
File 131767080023.jpg - (69.69KB , 726x612 , TwilightMooresLaw.jpg )
55223
>>55212

Love this message :). I have done the exact same drunk-ass thing.
>> No. 55228
File 131767106824.png - (7.49KB , 100x100 , mal58.png )
55228
>>55212
I still care, it's just that college has started, so I haven't been reading squat. Expect a review soon.
>> No. 55343
File 131768951398.png - (163.02KB , 687x639 , screwyshrug.png )
55343
Hey, Seattle_Lite, are you gonna make a new review thread? Because I'd very much like to respond to your review and keep you updated on my fics and so on and so forth.
>> No. 55355
File 131769299401.jpg - (187.62KB , 900x900 , 29702 - artist SpeccySY.jpg )
55355
>>55343
He's crashing with Sparky for the minute.
>>55216

You may not have noticed, but review threads are hard...
>> No. 55379
File 131769684792.png - (363.80KB , 1280x1024 , pinkamina_sad.png )
55379
>>55212

Yo. Saw you got Ch 8 up. Cool beans. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you out there at the end, but school stuff... things just haven't been up to snuff lately, so I've been kind of scarce.

Sorry 'bout that...
>> No. 55552
>>55379
>>55228
Our bonds are broken. Our once-friendship scattered to salted earth. In this betrayal, I vow all ties between us DIVESTED.
>that's ^ fkn barbarian right?

>>55343
Yar Sean, meet Minty. >>55355 imbiber of wines and speaker of truth.
You can drop me your comments over at Sparky's place.
>> No. 55902
Kurbz an var . I believe u owe a review to this fiction that I am not eloquent enough to render. Waiting for ur thoughts
>> No. 55922
File 131781361222.png - (203.52KB , 601x671 , 1316267905107.png )
55922
>>55902
just stumbled in from the pub at.. omgyhogd it' 4 39 am. Jeeeezus.. I'm so fucked tomorrow.

AYHOW0 Nobody owz me a damn thing!!
Tho I appreciate ur thoughts... I think.
Yar. Im reeeeeally inebriated. Yay? fuckyay.

sage cuz. whooooo.
>> No. 55923
>>55922
>final note !
>irish car bombs are the SHIT.

>... heeh, sober me iz gonna be sooo mad tomorrow. lololol
>> No. 55933
File 131782079281.jpg - (42.42KB , 320x432 , default_frenchman_exc_03_0706281457_id_59845.jpg )
55933
>>55922
>>55923

>mfw
>> No. 55935
File 131782107948.jpg - (49.89KB , 560x461 , 1316650616944.jpg )
55935
>>55922
>>55923
.... you know, I would like to see Drunk Seattle do a review....
>> No. 56025
>>55552
>not sure if serious but doesn't matter because now I feel incredibly bad for leaving you hanging.
Seriously, if the same thing happened to me I'd be gutted, but when it happens to someone else, instead of just reading I... crap, I'm a hypocrite.

Review coming up.
>> No. 56037
File 131784475161.jpg - (67.27KB , 640x360 , 23126 - derp fluttershy.jpg )
56037
>>55935
I believe I've seen it happen before.

Deep down inside, drunk Seattle just needed a glass of water, a trip to the bathroom and a good night's sleep. It often takes me a lot of effort to get drunk Demetrius to realize the same thing. We gotta love and take care of ourselves, so that we can love and take care of others. Also, Seattle, you have me wishing for the opportunity to one day have a carbomb race against you.

Okay, I won't contribute to any more derailment. Seattle, you gonna put more clarification in chapter 9 or what?
>> No. 56038
>>55935

Oh man, we should totally make a thread for that. Just a review thread for random reviewers to pop in on, but requires they be intoxicated (let's use the honor system) while reading, reviewing, and typing up their reviews (they could wait to post them until they're sober if they like). I think everyone would have a good laugh.
>> No. 56044
>>56038
We could invent a reviewing drinking game for that thread, wherein we all read the the same thing, using a teamspeak server or something, taking turns reading aloud, or at least using the GDocs chat.

Run-on sentence, take a shot,
Broken literary tense, take a shot,
Purple prose, take a shot...
>> No. 56046
File 131784583697.png - (177.88KB , 900x900 , 131694933115.png )
56046
>>56025
Var, OF COURSE it wasn't serious. Sorry for the confusion, I thought it was funny. Classes are in full swing, we all work, have a life, etc. Srsly, I didn't mean to prod at all. Please dinna feel bad! Same goes 100% for you Sali.

>>56037
Dem, that would be awesome. Also,
>you gonna put more clarification in chapter 9 or what?
Yes. See-
>>55212

>>56038
Flash, that is an awesome idea. The results would be *hilarious*.

… Now then… YOU!
>>55922
>>55923
I hate you SO much. I don't even remember how the shit I got home last night, but apparently the party carried here, because I woke up and found I had made everybody bacon and cheese omelets… while I make a mean fkn omelet, I don't appreciate the mess. Thanks for spending all my money too, that was awesome of you. And… did I get in a scuffle last night??

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go curl up in a blanket and die, blissfully reading FOE as I sink into oblivion.
>> No. 56051
>>56046
Wow that sounds like... fun? Either way I'll drop my thoughts so far when I get home, after chatting with Stormchaser if he is on. I saw a few little grammar things I'll point out.
>> No. 56059
>>53915
Everything is breaking down. Everything. And it is glorious. This is how you do a grim fic - one subtle change, and watch as the toy soldiers all fall down.

Finally now, we see something happen that goes against Luna's plans. Seeing her mask slip after so long is satisfying, first with Fluttershy surprising her and later, on a darker note with the dragon. I'm inclined to believe she's benevolent, judging from her genuine concern for Ponyville and candid confession of events to Fluttershy, but I still can't see what she's up to. Hell, it was easier when she was totally ambiguous, at least then I could figure, 'hey, maybe she's evil'. After all, I know that just because somepony is benevolent doesn't mean their plans mesh with the other benevolent characters.

The dragon attack was a brutal addition, and it was made so much more effective by having it actually recounted to Twilight after the fact - Rarity breaks my heart, seeing her paradigm broken around her, and I relish the feeling of disconnect and dawning horror Twilight experiences due to her amnesia (but of course, you know I appreciate a good amnesia plot point). I really don't like the guard, but I can't fault him a single thing. But god dammit, that dragon... were any civilians hurt?

Pegasus dogfight was fantastic, really really well done, and defying the 'Dash has tissue-paper wings' cliche earns you extra points, which turn into an x3 combo when it was the freaking finishing move! Now for the consequences... Dash coming to terms with her fight against Spitfire is another moment I'm looking forward to. It's going to devastate her, which is (from a story point of view) good because she's one of the few true driving forces of the tale who hasn't lost something to the premise. Because of her loyalty to Celestia, Twilight has lost everything that makes up her world, so this balancing of misery upon Luna's biggest supporter is appropriate. Still, looking forward to seeing if Dash confronts Spitfire. The fact that Dash was attacked without warning or attempt to parlay gives her both bargaining power and the moral high ground, and there's also the sweet potential for "I looked up to you, you were my idol. I was just trying to find my friend" sort of thing

I can't wait until Twilight meets and/or confronts Celestia. I can really sense that the sun princess' arrival will herald in the true storm of this story. I trust you'll handle her characterization with as much depth as the rest of the cast thus far.

Also, one thing:
>Fluttershy had never seen magic like this -- not that she was terribly familiar with Unicorns and their predilection -- but the sight before her was unlike any she had encountered before
This seems somewhat odd. She had never seen this sort of magic, but it was unlike anything else she had encountered. It sounds like you're saying the same thing twice.

Incidentally there's something I'd like to ask. It's kind of in the same vein as the question about Lyra before.

Basically, in this for want of a nail fic, everything about the setting is the same as canon, correct? It's just that the actions in the beginning have set thing off in just the wrong sequence that everything has begun to fall apart.

Now! Several factions have long plans running. Lyra and the Wolves are one faction. Celestia is possibly another. Luna escaping from being NMM has allowed her to become a new faction, which I'm assuming is the 'nail' this story is for-want-of. You can only have one nail, otherwise the premise gets sloppy.

Now, what I'm wondering is what were Lyra's faction and Celestia's faction doing before Luna's return? It's something that needs to be considered, that had the events of the show gone as planned, those two factions would still have existed and would still have plans.

I guess part of me is worried that Celestia's going to turn out to be a tyrant, or at least villainous. That idea presents several problems because, unless it is the TRUE nail of the story and directly or indirectly helped Luna free herself, then we're going to have to assume that you are presenting canon Celestia as malevolent. She would always have been and would likely have continued to be so had NMM had been defeated as normal, which would cheapen the canon material you've masterfully twisted so far.

At any rate, I trust you to avoid the obvious pitfalls and deliver something complex and satisfying no matter the end reveal. It's just something that was running through my mind, since my main fic is also a for-want-of-a-nail/alternate ending premise. I had introduced OC villains, but a big question on my mind was 'okay, but where did they come from, why do they choose now to act and why haven't they done so in the equivalent time in-canon?' So, I can appreciate the amount of thought you've put into arranging everything thus far.

Looking forward to the next one!
>> No. 56190
File 131788479038.jpg - (70.78KB , 679x698 , Mustache.jpg )
56190
>>56046

Oh, by the way Seattle (hope it's okay to ask you here, because I tried looking for your e-mail in like, every other thread you posted in, because I didn't wanna clog up some random thread with a more random question and still wanted your advice/answer). Would it be alright if I had you hold off on reviewing more chapters until (and this I'm still debating) I start my own story thread (for updates) when I release my next 3 chapters? I don't know if you still planned to do them in Sparky's thread, because his queue is clogged enough as is.

Again, sorry for the random question, and I'll probably delete this post when I get a response from you, so expect that.
>> No. 56271
>>56046

Well of course, I know that. XD *hugs*
>> No. 63754
File 132056648723.png - (23.95KB , 248x219 , why_horror_hands.png )
63754
Bump. No, seriously. Fucking BUMP.
It's been like a god damn month since the last chapter and I am going to freak out if this story just gets dropped. What the shit man.
>> No. 63755
File 132056683754.png - (728.99KB , 1500x1200 , cry.png )
63755
>>63754
Seattle be fighting the good fight!

Galaxy News Radio is what he controls, and when he flies over the Capital Wasteland in his fine tuxedo, shit gets real.

But, seriously, he's not around, and he may not come back. I miss you a lot
>Pic related to spoiler.
>> No. 71326
what the? did my thread get bumped by a spam post that got deleted or something?? weirrrrrd, but cool!

>so yeah, major west coast ports pretty much ALL shut down today. dunno about other major cities just yet (rumors aside), but Seattle had @ 1200 people I'd say, and only 8-10 arrests, minimal police violence (aside from those bloody horse cops), amazingly.
>word to /fic/, avoid flashbangs, they suck
>also, cold as shit outside. brrrrr
>> No. 71327
>>71326
damn PC durpin' hard
>> No. 71405
>>71327
Everything okay over there, dude? It's been AGES since I talked to you. =/
>> No. 71413
File 132378656708.png - (123.76KB , 393x414 , 130665532171.png )
71413
>>71326
>so yeah, major west coast ports pretty much ALL shut down today.

Oh that sounds interesting:
>turn on cnn:
Holiday Tipping Guidelines, Stocks rebounding from monday sell off...
>> No. 71429
File 132380068868.jpg - (15.33KB , 572x458 , flashbangs.jpg )
71429
>>71326
>> No. 71439
>>71413
>>so yeah, major west coast ports pretty much ALL shut down today.
> Oh that sounds interesting:
>>turn on cnn:
>Holiday Tipping Guidelines, Stocks rebounding from monday sell off...
That's disgusting. Pertinent issues like scores of ports shutting down all at once not being brought to the forefront.

Also, flashbangs? Holy shit dude.
>> No. 71469
File 132381845560.jpg - (41.20KB , 400x400 , mask.jpg )
71469
>>71429
>> No. 73037
Um so I've never posted on a site like this before and have no idea what the holy hell I'm doing, but I saw the link to this thread on another site (which I've also never posted on--lurker ahoy), and I find myself really really impressed by the professionalism of this thread and the thoughtful reviews left on it. Besides all that, I like this fic. Quite a bit.
So I figured for once I would leave some feedback of my own.
And it consists of just one thing--the Sandman reference. I am torn between cackling gleefully at the mention of one of my favourite works of fiction, and being rather shocked at the amateur-ish move. This story has impressed me with its professionalism in nearly every other way, so what's up with the nudge-nudge wink-wink I'm a Neil Gaiman fan throwaway lines?

But I still cackled gleefully.
>> No. 73135
File 132450010613.jpg - (72.77KB , 1191x670 , the_last_defense_by_johnjoseco-d3ht9jm.jpg )
73135
>>73037

Oh, hello there!
Thanks for reading, and most especially commenting, given your expressed reticence. That means a lot!

So yeah, I can say that not only was I compelled to drop a nod to Gaiman for the sake of it (sorry that it came off as amateurish), but frankly, because the world he created was perfectly suited for the degree of 'vastness' that I was attempting to allude to. I wanted to paint a scope and scale of not only Equestria, but where it FIT in the rest of things, and as such, shed light on its deities and their relation to the whole of existence. I wanted to show that, yes, Luna and Celestia are unmatched in power in Equestria, are nigh unfathomable to mortals, but that they too have peers and elders, and to attempt to illustrate the immensity of that.

To do so without tapping Gaiman, who so conveniently has already constructed such a world, would have been a lengthy and laborious affair, which would have utterly detracted from the actual plot and storyline I was (and am) working along. So I compromised. For those who know Gaiman, they'd get the insight I was trying to relay. Those who don't, might be curious enough to check him out. Win win, neh?

In closing, thanks again for your comments, and you may cringe, but I'm seriously toying with doing it again in the final chapter with a different angle. More professionally of course. Heh.

Cheers mate, take care.
>> No. 79568
File 132729436968.jpg - (306.32KB , 567x850 , 114067 - aerobatics artist-noben discorded fear flying grin rainbow_dash scenery spike.jpg )
79568
>five minutes of maniacal laugher
>ahem

Right. So holy shit, some news. Chapter 9 of Divergence is nearly. fucking. done. Damn thing's going to be pushing 30 pages, and will be ready for select reviewing in the next few days.

Got a few device issues I'm having a spot o trouble with, and I need an experienced eye or two that are keen on congruity.

For months I've been getting screamed at for reveals and explanations to this thing. Allow me to doff a sadistic grin.

So guys, anyone interested?
>> No. 79571
File 132729447701.png - (99.42KB , 900x762 , vim_herp.png )
79571
>>79568
>starts to raise hoof
>hasn't read a chapter since ch. 2

Curse my relative lack of free time.
>> No. 79589
>>79568
I'm game.
>> No. 79621
>>79568
I shall read. I want to read. It has been fucking months.

But damn, between you and Nick ( not to mention short skirts and explosions) I sure have a lot of reading.
>> No. 79631
File 132730477828.jpg - (46.67KB , 288x442 , AND MY AX.jpg )
79631
>>79568
>>79571
>>79589
>>79621
>> No. 79676
>>79571
Since chapter 2? What the buck?! Heh, nah, just kidding man. I wouldn't drop this thing on ya mate; I remember all too well how it is having a queue in the double digits. And as much as I respect your grammatical and syntactic abilities (and I bloody-well do), to jump in to chapter 9 without any context would just be... well, nuts. Even I had to go back and read a few chapters for a precision refresher. Even so, one glorious day, I'd love to have your thoughts on my little piece. Cheers mate!

>>79589
>>79621
>>79631
Kurbz, Dem, Nick, you lot are awesome! Kurbz, Dem, I'll need your emails to grant access when it's ready.
... On a side note, anyone seen Var lately? I miss that eloquent animu poster.
>> No. 79686
File 132734716371.png - (15.08KB , 100x100 , mal55.png )
79686
>>79676
I'm scraping by. College is being a bitch though, I'm really behind on everything. Again.

When would this new chapter of yours be ready? Because I'd love to see if my thoughts could add something, but I won't be free until the week-end and I'd hate to slow you down.
>> No. 79691
>>79676
It's in the trip.
>> No. 79769
>>79676
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AuAQzDU7RlujdHRrclhMemtIT2txM19xbEtHOUQtMGc&hl=en_US#gid=7
Cell D3
>> No. 79798
Are we up to #9 now? I really need to start reading fanfiction again...
>> No. 79831
File 132742702492.jpg - (25.94KB , 320x256 , 131605763534.jpg )
79831
>>79798
SALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
>> No. 79981
File 132748081363.jpg - (117.05KB , 469x346 , 65569 - I_don\'t_even_know rainbow_dash.jpg )
79981
Um... shoot. Dilemma.
1) I'm already at 27 pages
2) I've got at minimum another 3k words to go
3) I've already decided on the best cut off point for this chapter.

Conclusion- This is going to be over 30 pages.

Question- Is that pushing it beyond acceptable limits? I mean, I'd read FOE chapters of 50+ pages, but that was FOE.

Quandary- What do?
>> No. 79997
File 132749220695.png - (280.40KB , 2000x2000 , Lyra_DoItFilly_creepy.png )
79997
>>79981
<==
>> No. 79999
File 132749257188.jpg - (171.19KB , 1134x753 , always watching always waiting.jpg )
79999
>>79981
Chapters should be as long as they demand to be, or so I say.
>> No. 80002
File 132749466222.png - (38.13KB , 191x208 , 130663049929.png )
80002
>>79981
Write as long as you still find it interesting...

Then we'll come in, and yell at you for mashing four scenes together like an idiot, and point out the obvious splitting point in the middle that you over looked.
Or alternately, end up drooling sycophants, crying out for the next chapter. Potentially both actually.

Literature is weird like that sometimes.
>> No. 80029
File 132750996670.jpg - (8.38KB , 180x135 , Skwisgaar.jpg )
80029
>>79981
Pfft.

Looks at this dildo, writes the stories and makes chapter nine the longsest.

THAT AMS NOTS HOW GOODS FANFICTIONS WORK!
>> No. 80286
>>80029
Is it bad if I thought that you wrote "dildo thelongsest" and then pictured, well, you know what?

P.S. 'Dildo the Longsest' will be my band name... someday
>> No. 80300
>>80029
>>80002
>>79999
>>79997
Thanks for the thoughts (lol wtf Nick), I'm going with the long version. Should be solid by the end of the weekend.
>> No. 80324
>>80300
Going with the long version, eh?

Good, because it looks like chapter 11's going to be "long" also.
>> No. 80749
Allllllllllmost done.
Got one conversation that's giving me absolute hell.
>> No. 81122
File 132808618071.jpg - (106.85KB , 650x700 , 41789 - Ask_Berry_Punch Dubstep berry_punch.jpg )
81122
>Chapter 9

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cRES2h6bdYAMAmvzZhLysoG1qofykN3vHmUQIRqSla4/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 81126
>>81122
You need permission to access this item.

You are signed in as [REDACTED], but you don't have permission to access this item. You can request access from the owner or sign-in as a different user.
>> No. 81128
File 132808701341.jpg - (1.33MB , 1243x1181 , 108516 - artist-InvaderPoe rainbow_dash Shadowbolt.jpg )
81128
>>81126
Yeah mate, it's open to select reviewers at the moment. It'll be public shortly, sorry for the hassle... not to mention the two... three? month long hiatus
>> No. 81135
File 132808907917.jpg - (474.30KB , 1600x900 , 1000_years_by_kirikd-d4dmc0q.jpg )
81135
Oh god I want to read now but... it's one in the morning and I have work "tomorrow"! I shall read it "tomorrow" evening!
>> No. 81340
My week is stuffed full of schoolwork, but as soon as that's done, I'll be ALL over this. :3
>> No. 81342
File 132816974451.jpg - (205.24KB , 800x955 , 78327 - artist vsri lunch_bucket_raiding_party rainbow_dash.jpg )
81342
Har har! I have found some errors that other people missed! Great chapter. Can't wait to see Luna's next move. I'm glad the circumstances are more clear now as well.
>> No. 81353
Got about halfway through before I had to got to sleep. I'll finish up tonight.
>> No. 81457
File 132824139917.png - (293.95KB , 625x402 , jaaYs.png )
81457
Good chapter is good. The Lyra scene felt... stilted. Like you tried to make her seem more emotional, but only succeeded in making her less mysterious. That scene was probably the weakest point in the chapter.

I did feel like the fight between Rainbow and the guards was not amazing, but not horrid. Ultimately it left me feeling "meh." I would suggest expanding it, but that would require Rainbow to fight a squadron of Royal Guards effectively, by herself, for a while and that would be stretching it a bit. If anything, I would suggest looking at making the descriptions of the fight you have now more effective.

Not too much else to say. I did feel like Twilight cussed a bit much at points. Even with what she has been through I doubt she ever really learned to talk like that. But, my head canon is irrelevant.
>> No. 81936
File 132842894820.gif - (1.56MB , 312x278 , 124937 - animated Fucking_adorable leg_wiggle rainbow_dash.gif )
81936
I must say, I really got into this chapter. Very well paced, though I would have divided the obvious sections into different scenes, that's just me though.

Can't help but wonder what Twilight's going to think when she gets a load of Dash. The poor prismatic mare is probably in quite a few pieces at the moment. Alive of course, but not in good health.

As always, very strict on the first half, but as I got into it, I must admit that I became a bit lax. As always, your stories are very compelling and I found myself eating it up more and more as it went along. Very nicely done. <3

A few stray thoughts:

I bet Spitfire is going to have some interesting thoughts when she wakes up. Vendetta? Admiration for the young rookie? Curiosity?

Did Celestia know? Is her sister playing towards her own ends, or against her? Perhaps they really are all on the same side, or perhaps RD's doubt isn't unfounded. This chapter didn't do anything to shake my serpentine impression of Luna, but it also didn't paint her in any particular way. Instead we see a lot of other plot points pulled in.

Where the hell did Pinkie go? Did she get caught or is she up to something... interesting?

What about the other Wonderbolts? Surely they'd be upset by their leader's disappearance.

Alive and... coherent, apparently that doesn't mean "don't beat the ever living tar out of them" or perhaps there's some separation in command that Celestia herself would find less than pleasing.


All and all, I love it. Once you go over it again, I'll give it another look over and we'll address anything else that pops up. Other things have already been mentioned and I have a few minor nitpicks, but the stylistic stuff I only mentioned once or twice before ignoring it.

The fights are rather fast paced and there are times when it's hard to follow who's doing what to whom, but that sort of adds to the absolute flurry of things. Overall, a very compelling chapter.

Can't wait for the next round of new material and I hope I get to talk to you about this again in the meantime!

Cheers!
~Sali
>> No. 81937
You know what, Seattle?

I just realized that, for both of us liking Rainbow Dash the best out of the main six, both of us to terrible things to her in our respective stories.

Because she can take it like a champ.Not like that.
>> No. 81938
>>81936
>dat picture

That's adorable, for the record.
>> No. 81939
>>81937
You too, huh? *loves the Dashie, but can't help but put her in awful situations*

>>81938
Innit? /)^3^(\
>> No. 81942
File 132843138505.jpg - (82.85KB , 806x990 , vote_dash_by_equestria_election-d32yucm.jpg )
81942
>>81937
>>81939
> 6. Be a sadist. Now matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them — in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
>> No. 82002
>chapter nine in a few days
>a week later

Jesus Christ hurry up will you
>> No. 82023
File 132847201609.jpg - (46.27KB , 323x450 , 4-4-35.jpg )
82023
>>82002
Sorry, can't rush the Rapture.
>> No. 82030
>>82023
I have no reaction image for how hard I laughed at this.
>> No. 82067
File 132848581859.gif - (773.17KB , 496x382 , finalfantasy.gif )
82067
>>82023
>> No. 82085
File 132849111764.jpg - (141.07KB , 480x633 , 131500240441.jpg )
82085
>contributing to my own threads derail
>ftw


Now, thanks everyone for your comments, I will go down the line.

>>81457
Kurbz-
That Lyra comment was exactly what I needed, and both you and Nick addressed it. On reflection, it would have been an utter travesty to allow it go through as is. I am completely rewriting that scene to the spirit I'd really like to convey with her character.

>>81936
Sali-
>Can't help but wonder what Twilight's going to think when she gets a load of Dash.
I'm like wringing my hands in anticipation of that scene, and have been for months. This is going to be hardcore, and I have the most delightful twist in mind for it.

>
Did Celestia know? Is her sister playing towards her own ends, or against her? Perhaps they really are all on the same side, or perhaps RD's doubt isn't unfounded.
MWAHAHHAA

>
What about the other Wonderbolts? Surely they'd be upset by their leader's disappearance.
I believe Kurbz... maybe Nick? raised this same point. In Chapter 8 it's laid out that the other WB's have been sent to intercept the other SB's, on their way to contact other nations (Dragons, Wolves, etc). This is not a one day trip, the distances we're talking about are pretty huge. Even if they caught the SB's, won easily, and turned around, it'd be days before they got back.

>
some separation in command that Celestia herself would find less than pleasing.
maaaaaaaayyyybe

>The fights are rather fast paced and there are times when it's hard to follow who's doing what to whom, but that sort of adds to the absolute flurry of things
That IS the positive side of it, though I'm looking it over in hopes of finding any scenes that are just incoherent. I'll do what I can, but extending the fights is simply out, because, as Nick said, it would entail RD battling an entire squad in wave after wave. That'd be pushing it, even if she is a bookworm ninja. And I didn't exactly weave a scenario where dialogue is much of an option... I dunno mate. Tricksy.

>splitting scenes
See, I couldn't do it. I HAD to give people some insight of plot points converging. Seriously, they've hung around long enough to deserve it, don't you think? And I couldn't get to that section without the previous rest. If I'd released solely another action/mystery chapter, people would have started throwing bricks.

Incidentally, that gif is weaponized adorable.


>>81937
Nick,
I still say you should have at least written out the scene and alt story where Gilda decapitates her and gains acceptance back into her flock. I'd be fascinated to read it :)

>>81942
Dem-
eeeyup. pathos for the win.

>>82002
I'm sorry Anon! I'm fucking trying here! I'm afraid I've gotten a bit rusty.
>> No. 82470
File 132865015033.png - (29.52KB , 347x406 , Glare.png )
82470
>>82085
Griffins do not "flock." They "tribe."

>pic is my facial expression when reading that

In all seriousness, though, I was going to write it, eventually, like a side-story thing. But then someone pointed out that that, based on the international relations that I've established, that probably definitely would've caused a war between Equestria and the Griffin Tribes.

Still, there's this excerpt which pays homage to that idea:

>I turned to my right, and a withered, elderly griffin perched next to me. For my part, I didn’t scream. I could tell she was female, at the very least: female griffins’ head feathers were light and plain, save for a few markings here and there. I still didn’t know who this griffin was, but she was sitting slouched, as if her life weighed heavily on her shoulders. She was missing large patches of feathers and fur; the skin beneath was thatched with both scars and fresh wounds. She turned to look at me; her left eye was missing, like my father’s. In her new position, I could see the spots that adorned what was left of her chest feathers.

In that, you know, there are the two "Gildas" in that scene, one being what she might have been (withered and self-destructive, but not "deserving" of something as peaceful as death), and one that she still might be (Lieutenant Gilda).


Still, I like that idea better than the porn idea.
>> No. 82488
>>82470
>the porn idea

RD-Gilda angry and wangsty relationship for the win?
>> No. 82519
>>82488
No, just the whiny one with an OC I'm writing.
>> No. 82588
File 132867184752.png - (212.69KB , 750x894 , 120636 - alcohol artist john_joseco blush blushing cider drunk rainbow_dash.png )
82588
Okay, Nick's angsty, feather-laden, underage, interspecies, embarrassingly bad attempts at clop aside (or at least, tabled for the moment) some folks may be interested in that --

Divergence, Chapter 9, "Inquisition", is now open for business.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cRES2h6bdYAMAmvzZhLysoG1qofykN3vHmUQIRqSla4/edit?hl=en_US

Advance upon me brethren!
>> No. 82590
File 132867217465.png - (100.09KB , 247x260 , rdyay.png )
82590
>>82588
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
>> No. 82601
>>82588
>tabled
No, actually, it starts on a desk.
>> No. 82614
Hi there, if you had this passed through proof-readers, ask them to go over it again.

Unless Futtershy is canon in your story, that's not even the only thing I found.
>> No. 82619
File 132867813165.jpg - (96.23KB , 943x943 , 130281015175.jpg )
82619
>>82614
Given five experienced writers have gone over this thing, notation of chronic grammatical issues would be handy at this point.

>Unless Futtershy is canon in your story, that's not even the only thing I found.

Sorry, I have no idea what to make of this. Fluttershy *was* canon, but has undergone some fair amount of character development.
>> No. 82621
>>82619
1.)Go to the document.

2.)put search.

3.)write Futtershy on the box.

4.) ????

5.) Profit
>> No. 82622
>>82619
Derp. Apparently we all missed the fact that you left out the "l" in Fluttershy >.>
>> No. 82626
> Futtershy
How the Godzilla fuck did I overlook this. *covers head in shame*
>> No. 82637
File 132868138163.jpg - (64.42KB , 364x346 , 715 - macro rarity shocked.jpg )
82637
>>82622
>>82626

fuuuuuuuu
>> No. 82648
File 132868700456.png - (93.70KB , 617x640 , 0043-132650867781.png )
82648
Rarity and Twilight too
All of my thank god. I have to say, I was most worried that Dash would pull something stupid here and make a bad situation even worse by blaming victims. Rainbow Dash is not a reliable narrator.

Yay, Pinkie's showing signs of her empathic ability to gather information on other people via interaction. It's nice to remember that the main six are all magical in their own right, rather than just the unicorns or what have you. Doubly so as it progresses.

Maybe she could blow something up.
I've always liked evil Twilight. She is quite possibly my favorite character in the series, and her appearance is always a pleasant surprise.

Butter yellow pegasus. *snicker* Verdant Unicorn is odd, because I never see Lyra as all that green, but I suppose it works...

Dash saw frame by frame as his rear hooves become larger and larger.
Became. Think about it. Maybe it's incorrect, but it seems like the wrong word there.

If you want me to analyze... That would take a few hours. Lyra's know it allness is offset by Pinkie's know it allness, though I hope you focus on Pinkie a bit more in the coming chapter.

Though you've kinda given up on Light Grimdark, but I know we've had this conversation as well.
>> No. 82843
File 132875899816.jpg - (50.62KB , 650x430 , DAFTPONY.jpg )
82843
well... hopefully by this point my critically acclaimed batch of pre-readers have made note of any further blindingly obvious errors. Imma send this beast off to the presses.

Now then, Dearest Minty-
>>82648

>I've always liked evil Twilight
Yeah... I'm really skirting around how heavily I could play this up at the moment, though the next chapter does have some gratifying scenes along those lines.

>If you want me to analyze... That would take a few hours.
You know I love your analysis Minty, but I don't want to claim too much of your time.

>Though you've kinda given up on Light Grimdark,
yeeeeah. At this point, I've got so much going on, I'm just pleased I was able to get this chapter out. If people want to drop me a bunch of 1 stars, then so be it. I'm telling the story I want to tell.

>was most worried that Dash would pull something stupid here and make a bad situation even worse by blaming victims.
Heh. Then you must love the set-up at the end of the chapter.

Thanks for reading!
>> No. 83859
File 132914085872.jpg - (156.81KB , 894x894 , 1303833389983.jpg )
83859
Sorry for the wait. I had to go re-read chapters two and three to get in the right mindset again.

But I don't really have anything specific to add. I mean, sure there's the subtle implications about the wolves not being aligned with Luna. And there's Octavia as a still undefined third party. The fact that nine chapters in we still have no idea what happened to Celestia, if anything.
No one has the faintest clue where the fudge she is and ponies innate levels of stupidity start to come into play as a major villain. You've actually now introduced a layered, paranoid, extremist government that also has no idea what to do, and pretty much all but killed half the main characters.

And the degrees of conflict you are introducing do not seem to have resolutions in bound. The epilogue for this story is already going to be massive enough as it stands seeing as the core synopsis was originally:
- Retelling Episode Two by altering Rainbow Dash's story

But the delivered synopsis is closer to:
- Changes in Nightmare Moon's return alters the way the series operates drastically

The biggest changes not being simply Rainbow Dash specific, but an increase in the level of inter character 'shipping' elements, and Luna coming back stronger, wrestling the Nightmare to a standstill.

Rarity is still overly protective of Applejack, moreso then Rainbow Dash, and Dash wants to go down on the hick already. Using that as a baseline for character interaction, the fact this situation is driving Twilight to evil is almost expected.

Most bluntly: I'll actually be upset if Twilight doesn't start killing sum' bitches, because that's what her actions seem to be leading her towards. And yes, she's set up a few booby traps before, but now the corrupt nature of the government is exposing itself to her. The five ponies she thought she could trust were brain washed by some Space Hippie from the Moon, and even then her Teacher who's gone missing without a trace set her on a path to meet those five ponies specifically as some sort of world saving Batman gambit.
Every person in her life is trying to manipulate her for their own goals, doesn't feel the need to tell her why, and they all expect her to have answers she doesn't have.

This is before even calculating in the being mind raped by Nightmare remember?

Let me go on a tangent for a second. Anyone remember Sailor Moon? Silly show right?
Does anyone remember the point where goofy, ditzy Usagi/Serena was revealed to be the Messiah? (unrelated to the fact that she was part of the vessel hiding the holy grail) How about two seasons later where it's revealed she will eventually become the physical incarnation of the cosmos? Anyways, lets say that I can see her and Twilight's power level about equal. Starting off normal, in a fairly small package, learning about life and love, in preparation for godhood.

After being betrayed, beaten, disregarded, raped, hunted like animals, manhandled, ignored, lied to, manipulated, abused, and with the royal council of Canterlot staring down at her doing the same or worse then what she thought Luna was up to, if she doesn't vaporize half of Canterlot, I'll be surprised. She's a walking magic nexus with a tenuous connection to emotional stability. Dash put her in the hospital, but its not like she tortured her.

I'm really hoping Celestia has a really good reason for not having a contingency plan for not contacting Twilight should her first and second gambits fail, seeing as ETERNAL NIGHTMARE MODE TWILIGHT SPARKLE could probably do a number on the weakened Luna, all the Dragons, the entire High Council, easily bypassing the Wolves should they take action (adding their magic to her own no doubt). Nightmare might try to joy ride her for a bit, but that entity already looks down on her so Twilight's already active internal evil would probably just gobble that entity up as an after thought.

And really there's nobody to stop her. Rainbow Dash? She's only going to increase the fury. Applejack and Fluttershy are currently in the torture chamber, Rarity's not in any emotional state to calm her down. Pinkie is showing signs that she wouldn't be entirely against it herself. Celestia might be able to slow her down, but if she could show up now, why wouldn't she have responded to the letters over the previous week? That would only piss Twilight off more.

Twlight doesn't have to be an alicorn. She already flies, wings would just slow her down. Nightmare thinks she's a normal unicorn, and that's fine. He/She can reconsider racist thinking like that while Twilight is tearing it into component atoms as an afterthought. The Six Elements of Harmony are shifting to a more nihilistic point of view, and I'm not sure who's going to be alive once they start tearing at the fabric of reality.
>> No. 83880
i liked "divergant days" by Rob cakeren (the autjer of my little dashie) better :P yours is good though.... just varry similer
>> No. 83882
>>83880
You know, now I won't ever read Divergent Days.

Your grammar, spelling, and just everything in that post is so atrocious that I can't even imagine myself taking your opinion seriously.

But thank you for sharing, I am quite sure someone will probably ask Ron Cakeren if he copied this story or not.
>> No. 83890
>>83880
I remember that. It was so dull I quit halfway through the second chapter. Comedy, my ass.

Further, the only thing similar between the two stories is the name.

I think you may just be a troll.
>> No. 83897
File 132916275203.png - (52.49KB , 633x578 , 132657495149.png )
83897
>>83880
I can't really see the similarities?

I mean, one pretends to be a comedy while actually being a HiE fic, and the other is good. But I'm thinking you might be a guerrilla marketer of some sort trying to integrate with the local populous.
At the very least, you don't seem to understand how threads work around here. If you like Divergant Days so much, go make a discussion thread about it. Don't try to derail stuff you haven't even looked at.
>> No. 85229
File 132954105777.jpg - (7.51KB , 112x200 , 132418360831.jpg )
85229
>>83880
>yours is good though.... just varry similer (sic)
Firstly, one-shot reply... wtf? I checked out Divergent Days, and what? It's an HIE fic with an assload of viral marketing. (srsly google "Divergence" and that hits like 7 out of 10 times... wtf is that about? I'm almost jelly)

>>83897
Minty! Sorry for the lateness of the reply, it's been an CRAZY week.

>I'm apparently now an executive board member of a major NW-based nonprofit that's ceded in its entirety to the Occupy movement.

ANYHOW, Minty, mfw your reviews are better than my fucking story.

>had to go re-read chapters two and three to get in the right mindset again
Yeah, I hear that. I'm the bloody writer, and I had to do the same damn thing.

> I don't really have anything specific to add
You always do mate.

>pretty much all but killed half the main characters
more like... three quarters worth...

> I'll actually be upset if Twilight doesn't start killing sum' bitches
Don't even worry about it son.

FYI, never actually watched Sailor Moon, but I'm diggin the reference, especially with the implications.

>After being betrayed, beaten, disregarded, raped, hunted like animals, manhandled, ignored, lied to, manipulated, abused, and with the royal council of Canterlot staring down at her doing the same or worse then what she thought Luna was up to
... Well, as usual, those reading my story remind me of a perspective that I should be paying closer attention to. Bear in mind, it's been these reviews that have progressively pushed me into deeper and deeper GD territory, but hey, that's quality, right? If it's pulled off, right?

>really hoping Celestia has a really good reason for not having a contingency plan
Oh, she does. Heh.

Finally, thanks for the read, I get few enough now-a-days that I know what it's worth. Thanks again!!
>> No. 85232
File 132954175368.png - (134.63KB , 1147x870 , Untitled.png )
85232
>>85229
>viral marketing
Well, that just means you're not using the correct search terms.
>> No. 85234
File 132954199565.png - (212.69KB , 750x894 , 120636 - alcohol artist john_joseco blush blushing cider drunk rainbow_dash.png )
85234
>>85232
>the good one
... I love you so much...

>then I check my pony email... oh god, I can't deal with this tonight.
>> No. 85235
File 132954214689.png - (324.39KB , 800x600 , 3b09d41d4b2a69d2227ec4596ffc682b.png )
85235
>>83880
>Uncapitalized "I", proper nouns
>divergant
>autjer
>varry
I don't think you're qualified to make these claims, sonny boy.
>> No. 85236
>>85234
If it helps, those are currently under revision still, so you don't have to. Fucking HTML class.
>> No. 85287
File 132956716514.png - (30.22KB , 509x411 , 132657457299.png )
85287
>>85229
>I'm apparently now an executive board member of a major NW-based nonprofit that's ceded in its entirety to the Occupy movement.

See, you have interesting weeks. So delays are to be expected.

>ANYHOW, Minty, mfw your reviews are better than my fucking story.
Hah, I just get emotional and blather. Sometimes it helps people point out things they missed in their own work. I've got 'fans' over in /meta that feel I'm an:
>Minty fancies himself something more than he is and it shows. Being an incredibly condescending, self-righteous and downright insultingly rude critic for the sake of that edgy, artiste' rep.
So there's always that. but enough about things going on over in /drama

I think have to re-read chapter 9 again though. It's been a week or so, but I just realized I can't remember what happened to Pinkie? Usually I can track characters better then that...
>> No. 85760
You know, I had an awesome idea for a fic a while ago.

----
The story would open with Twilight dangling from a rope by her front legs. Her hooves would be tied together, and she'd be stuck, hanging there, in the middle of a large room.

Then this really heavily muscled dude would walk in- BIG guy, a professional boxer wearing gloves and a heavyweight champion belt.
He'd walk up to Twilight as she dangled there helplessly, look into her big, innocent eyes for a few seconds, and then punch her in the gut, *hard*.

Twilight would then make a sort of pitiful squeak, staring at the boxer as her eyes began to tear up. Her face would show complete confusion, not understanding why this was happening.

Then she'd be hit again. And again.
This would continue for quite some time, and Twilight would never scream, or try to fight back. She'd just dangle there, getting hit, while occasionally making sad little noises.
----

Anyway, when I came to this board, I decided to read Divergence. When I did, it became obvious that someone else had thought of my idea first! :P

Okay, seriously.: It's a good fic, but you're making me feel really sorry for Twilight. ;)
>> No. 85772
File 132976486847.jpg - (8.71KB , 184x184 , What is Wrong With You.jpg )
85772
>>85760
>pic
>> No. 85791
>>85760

Nice story, but before you write it make sure you get Blueblood's name right; you misspelled it so many times in that post.
>> No. 85870
File 132980202339.jpg - (224.49KB , 712x610 , 40462 - Sweetie_Belle basket soon.jpg )
85870
>>85760
Huh. Well, this is interesting. Firstly, let me presage by saying thanks for reading, and for taking the time to create such a colorful post.

A few salient points I think need to be addressed-

>Twilight is a helpless victim
I'd hardy say helpless (she nearly severed the head clean off a manticore son. That could have been AJ, recall?) Victim? Well... she's been victimized, but that's hardly the same thing. She's not broken. You could say she's breaking, and you'd be right. I'm driving her to a definitive edge, but that last distinction is a big difference.

>you're making me feel really sorry for Twilight. ;)
Thank you! That means, in my head, that I'm winning :)

So 1- Do you really feel like I'm writing her as a total pushover?
an 2- You got no empathy for Dash? She's getting fucking tortured in a dungeon dude.

>>85772
lol
>> No. 85948
>Huh. Well, this is interesting. Firstly, let me presage by saying thanks for reading, and for taking the time to create such a colorful post.
I felt you deserved a little more effort than "It was good, lol". ;)

>I'd hardy say helpless
She's been completely ineffective, unable to improve her situation at all. Power that can't be applied is useless.

>Thank you! That means, in my head, that I'm winning :)
Going for a high score?

>1- Do you really feel like I'm writing her as a total pushover?
Not really a pushover, just someone who places a very low priority on their own wellbeing. Mostly Twilight seems to be "taking it" because she's uncertain of what to do.
I gett the impression she doesn't fight back because she doesn't know what she's supposed to do, not because she can't. That being said, I expected her to do much more to try to rescue Spike.
I really don't want to be around when she finds a target to vent her rage upon, though...


>You got no empathy for Dash? She's getting fucking tortured in a dungeon dude.
That's a fairly recent development. Twilight got worse than that from the nightmare, plus y'know, the whole "her entire life falling apart" thing, that's been dragged out over the entire story. Losing Spike and Celestia?

On top of that, Dash at least got to make choices. She sided with Luna, joined the Shadowbolts, etc.
Yeah, her most recent choices have not worked out too well for her, but Twilight still seems like the universe's punching bag...
>> No. 86608
File 133005112470.png - (36.25KB , 533x373 , Stormchaser is choking back tears.png )
86608
>Rainbow Dash in torture chamber
Seattle, man, why you gotta do this to me? I thought we were friends!
>> No. 86613
File 133005166813.jpg - (169.00KB , 1000x1000 , spoiler.jpg )
86613
>>86608
Sir. SIR! You wound me! Is it bad?? Is it awful? What do you hate about it? I take your estimation too seriously to not have to ask.

>haha pic related

>>85948
Esteemed anon, I shall return your corespondence as soon as I am sober enough to do so, as your post warrants. Apologies for the tardy.

In other news— WHOO Irish Carbombs!!
>> No. 86614
File 133005184646.png - (244.26KB , 780x449 , GAH.png )
86614
>>86613
>mfw that pic
Don't get banned, Seattle! That's my job, but only when I say things that are inflammatory.
>> No. 86616
File 133005192951.png - (787.26KB , 1000x3001 , 113629 - artist zutheskunk celestia clopfic comic crazy_twilight lauren_faust luna Molauren mole.png )
86616
>>86613
>> No. 86620
File 133005284560.jpg - (42.97KB , 417x484 , 131451162480.jpg )
86620
>>86613
>mfw pic

Seattle, dude... we can't be friends anymore.

Well actually I kind of don't have a problem with it per se. I would usually have major, jaor thematic complaints about rape, torture, power abuse, physical abuse, threat of execution, etc. in Equestria (which is my main complaint about, say, Frigid Winds and Burning Hearts) but you get a pass on that because you're generally an awesome guy. Also you seem to love my story about pony atheletes emotionally torturting the shit out of each other so I can't really complain anyway.

It's just why you gotta put my favourite character through so much agony, mang? I'm gonna get all emotionally traumatised and shit. ;_;


You better not let a scratch of permanent harm come to her wings, her legs or her pretty face, though, else THERE SHALL BE A RECKONING.
>> No. 86621
>>86620
Mind raped Twilight however is fine 'parently.
Dropping that building on Fluttershy, not a problem.
Vicious multiple Applejack beatings, not a problem.
>> No. 86622
File 133005327288.png - (43.88KB , 209x202 , 130860174712.png )
86622
>>86621
Those things aren't fine, but tortured Rainbow Dash is significantly less fine. :(
>> No. 86624
File 133005376802.jpg - (34.58KB , 500x353 , Why, pinkie, why?.jpg )
86624
>>86613
>> No. 86627
>>86624
Yes, Pinkie is being a good friend and licking the ketchup off of Dash.
No question about it.
>> No. 86628
File 133005454268.jpg - (15.94KB , 340x340 , 132597290080.jpg )
86628
>>86622

The fact Rainbow Dash is on the delivering end of one of those Applejack beatdowns a few chapters back was not enough of an issue to propose a RECKONING. I mean, Twilight is verbally cut down by Luna to almost nothing, not even to touch on the things Rainbow Dash did to Spitfire, and the first time it's a big enough issue is when the rightful government finally gets it's hands on the dissident Rainbow Dash?
Who a chapter prior all but killed one of their combat aces. And as far as they know has killed he, seeing that Ponyville was a wreck last time we saw it (because of the dragons), and even with cryo stasis, the medical facility might not be there when Lyra gets her back to town.
>> No. 86630
In other words, Seattle is a terrible person for making all the characters have to suffer terrible, horrible, and terrible again things.

And we love him because of it.

Case closed.
>> No. 86639
File 133005651732.png - (238.17KB , 1000x1000 , Closure.png )
86639
>>86613
>> No. 86643
File 133005680853.jpg - (59.47KB , 402x385 , Shoppp.jpg )
86643
>>86639
I lol'd.
>> No. 86965
>Not really a pushover, just someone who places a very low priority on their own wellbeing.
Twilight just doesn't have the whole "pride" thing that forces conflict.

She's actually super-insecure, which would make everything that has happened absolutely crushing... :(

>she nearly severed the head clean off a manticore son. That could have been AJ, recall?
Twilight gets to almost hurt the wrong target, and never even see it. Dash gets to win an epic fight against a legendary opponent.
>> No. 95416
So I understand you gotta lotta shit going on from what I'veheard, but are you ever gonna post the next chapter? This is 1 of the most intense stories I've ever come across, and if you don't finish itI may kill myself.

> Also kinda frustrated more people don't know about this fic so bumping. It's old school but epic imo.
>> No. 97850
File 133481096052.png - (156.50KB , 900x632 , 132365539761.png )
97850
>since it's been necromanced, may as well report I'm about 6 pages in to the next chapter.

Well well, what do we have on page 4? Looks like there's been some activity here in one of my regular hiatus... haitusus? Hiati? Meh, whatever. Let's see now...

>>86620
>>86622
U NO LIEK RAINBOW DASH TORTURE STORM?!
Yeah, me neither. That shit was brutal to write. And this next one! Ugh. I am a bad, terrible, horrid-
>>86630
> Seattle is a terrible person for making all the characters have to suffer terrible, horrible, and terrible again things. And we love him because of it.
-total bad ass apparently. Huzzah bitches!

>>86965
>Twilight just doesn't have the whole "pride" thing that forces conflict.
Huh. That's... so wrong I'm not even sure where to start with it. Da fuq? Twilight is crazy prideful, not in a boastful way, but in that offhand intellectual superiority manner that she's not even aware of. Which, given this isn't an articulate thing in her character, it's even more devastating for her to be an ever downward spiral of events in which she's stripped of that, piece by piece.

>Dash gets to win an epic fight against a legendary opponent
My story, my favoritism mate. Don't fret, Twilight will have her day. Oh yes. And it shall be fucking craaaazy.

>>95416
Damn killer, settle down! I AM sorry, but I've had a lot of shit going on. The story is NOT getting abandoned, Im a bit too fond of it. Regardless, your words are immensely encouraging, so thanks.
>don't kill yourself

>>85760
I think I'm going to use this as a pitch for the story from now on, heh.
>> No. 98597
Hmm. 18 pages in, and not a single of the scenes fully completed. This may be another long one...
>> No. 98784
File 133524356736.png - (363.60KB , 604x620 , 0014-132639418486.png )
98784
>>98597
As long as it needs to be to tell the story.
People will or will not complain about the length after the fact.
>> No. 99693
<i>found you~</i>
>> No. 99939
File 133576152909.jpg - (124.21KB , 839x1740 , 1236543298.jpg )
99939
So I just finished what you have so far. Good show.

Good show, indeed~

Your fight scenes flow so very well. Excellent pacing and description of action, as well as description of injury. Very creative as well. I may or may not be stealing your wing fu. Also that fucking lightning catch/redirect. Holy shit.

Also fond of your way of describing spell composition. A matter of weaving and application. Very visually pleasing in my mind's eye.

Your vocabulary is fairly diverse, though "what the hay" appeared with worrying frequency until about chapter 8/9. There's also this other word that starts with an "s" that you appear to use a lot. I can't say if it sticks out because I've never even heard of it before, or because of frequent usage, but I'm pretty sure I have a similar tendency.

Maybe it's like a signature.

The earlier chapters felt just a little rough around the edges, but that may have just been me adjusting to your style. Entirely forgivable considering the quality in the later chapters.

All of the girls seem appropriately in character, Dash is lovably flirting with being a filly-fooler, and i have no complaints for how you're handling them. I also really like the other characters you're slipping in here, from military to government to things with sharp teeth.

Let's take a moment to talk about your portrayal of Luna because oh my god it's fantastic. Her interactions with Salient are wonderful, as was her heated exchange with Twilight. She's equal parts enigmatic and elegant.

I can't help but feel like your Lyra is a bit out of left field, though. Granted, she's a background, so she's up for interpretation, but... it's difficult to place. I like the way you write her, but I guess I'm having a hard time putting it to that specific pony? I admit that I love the whole "raised by wolves" thing. Ignore me either way. You know what you're doing.


There's probably a lot of stuff I'm leaving out, but that's what comes to mind at present. You have my full support, and I eagerly await what is to come.
>> No. 99942
>>99939
>Lyra out of left field
Pshh, next thing you're going to tell me that Octavia *doesn't* live in an industrialized city, far to the north of Canterlot, and only goes there for big parties like the Grand Galloping Gala or "Everyone Let's Kiss Fancy Pants Ass" garden party or whatever rubbish that was in S2.
>> No. 99943
>>99939
*blinks*

Also, what the actual fuck is going on in that picture?
>> No. 99944
>>99942
And do not forget that Carrot Top is an optometrist who has taken a leave from her work and has decided to rest in ponyville, only to find Derpy and decided to coach her and improve her eye sights as a sort of manner to kill time.
>> No. 99946
>>99944
Er... what story is that referencing?
>> No. 99948
>>99946
No story at all, just a simple concept I considered to be fun to use. Carrots are generally said to aid with vision, she is around someone with a clear need for it while not doing much herself, it makes the fanon surrounding them have more leg than just "and so they lived together because sofa" which seems to exist.
>> No. 99950
>>99948
Ah, fair enough. I was referencing a story with my silly fanon over a background character.
>> No. 99951
>>99942
>>99943
>>99944
>>99946
>>99948
>i didn't ask for this

i'm sorry for disturbing the peace i'll be going to bed now
>> No. 99952
File 133576303581.gif - (146.57KB , 316x315 , AAAAA.gif )
99952
>>99951
That was... legitimate discussion, I thought. Sorry if that came off as angry; that was not my intent with you in a friend's thread.
>> No. 99954
>>99951
I am deeply confused by this statement.

>>99952
This confuses me further.
>> No. 99976
File 133576727440.jpg - (42.79KB , 455x455 , 130215503322.jpg )
99976
>mfw old friends scare away a new reader to my story

>>99939
Hey mate, thank you very much for reading. I really hope you’ve enjoyed the story, an I hope it didn’t take up too much of your time, considering you went through 50k+ words in, what, two days? Now I feel badly for taking so long to work through your chapters!

>My take on Lyra’s character
>pic related
I saw that pic, and really started thinking how awesome Lyra could be. She’s probably my favorite background pony by far, and I really wanted to paint her in the most enigmatic way I could think of. I’ve gotten an incredibly red line of reactions, the dichotomy of which swings from “Holy shit I love it” to “what the fuck man, seriously”. The latter I’m assuming spawns from people who have already settled on how they prefer to picture her character. Her portrayal may be one of the more unique aspects to the story I’m writing.

>fight scenes
Thank you, I’m particularly pleased about those. I harbor the delusion that I’m rather good at them.

>"what the hay" appeared with worrying frequency
it really depends on what character is speaking with a given level of intensity. I have Dash curse as the situation calls for, which means as the story rolls into 7+, she’s a fkn sailor. Conversely, FS doesn’t even say “hay”.

>”s” word
What word are you referencing?

>The earlier chapters felt just a little rough around the edges
yup. Divergence was actually my first foray into writing fiction, so my inexperience is pretty evident in beginning chapters. For a time preferred to leave the first few as is, for a personal reference to my own growth in the trade, but I think I’m soon going to be revising the entire thing from the beginning and bringing it up to par. That said, I’m told my style of writing can take some getting used to.

>All of the girls seem appropriately in character
Thank you. I take characterization very bloody seriously, especially when inserting these lovable creatures into extreme circumstances.
>sharp toothed creatures
Yeah, I really try to avoid going too far into OC realm, aside from a couple key players.

>Let's take a moment to talk about your portrayal of Luna because oh my god it's fantastic.
I really, really, reaaaallly appreciate that. I’m considerably proud of Luna in this work. Moon princess is best princess.
>There's probably a lot of stuff I'm leaving out
Heh, well, don’t be shy mate, comments, thoughts and discussion in great part are motivators for me to actually write more.
Thanks for reading!
>> No. 99977
File 133576755583.jpg - (774.42KB , 1200x500 , 39404 - Lyra artist-Zephrysdaemon lyre music night.jpg )
99977
>>99976
>My take on Lyra’s character
>pic related
Woops. wrong pic. See this one.
>> No. 99978
File 133576762356.jpg - (76.73KB , 471x269 , Sad Gilda.jpg )
99978
>>99976
>> No. 100038
>>99977
Yeah, you linked that in the story when she showed up. It's cool dude, you can do what you want with her. It just took a little getting used to.

I don't remember what the "s" word is off the top of my head. I want to say scanted, but I know that isn't it.

As for this being your first story, oh man, you're just like me. Blood was my response to Fallout: Equestria and my first written work ever. Of course, I also took chapter length as part of the challenge, so I don't fault you for taking a while to wade through my chapters. Just wait till you hit chapter 9.

That said, I was pleased to see chapter 9 of this story was about twice as long as the others.

Shine on, and I look forward to more!
>> No. 100059
File 133580310832.png - (457.63KB , 1000x1000 , 131518674589.png )
100059
>>100038
> the "s" word
Ah, I bet it was "scintillating". Neh?

>As for this being your first story, oh man, you're just like me.
Heh, while I have a fair notion, I'm pretty curious how you may mean this.

>chapter length
Yeah, if we're throwing up comparisons, you blow by me in this regard.

>I look forward to more.
Likewise. I'm moving on to ch 9 today.
>> No. 100067
>>100059

Divergence is your first, Blood is my first. That's what I meant I guess?

The chapter length thing is a double edged sword. Some people love that Blood has 20+page chapters on average, while others avoid it for the same reason.

I'm torn between making the chapters of my FoE thing shorter for the sake of reader ease, but I dunno. It's the same amount of content whether I split it into two chapters or leave it as one, if that makes sense. Pacce keeps stressing that I should be following the 'as long as it needs to be approach', and I agree, but habits are hard to break :A

Good luck with 9!
>> No. 100077
File 133581215699.gif - (498.32KB , 500x270 , D9tOF.gif )
100077
>>100067
Start off with shorter chapters to ease the reader in, then ramp it up. Once they're hooked, a longer chapter will seem like a gift as opposed to a wall.
One fanfic writer's story I read is infamous for its massive chapters (the latest one was over one-hundred thousand words long, with the story nearing two-million words at this point). Believe me, if your readers legitimately like your story, you shouldn't have problems with chapter length.
>> No. 100144
>>100067
>That's what I meant
Ah, gotcha. Thought you were alluding to another correlation for a minute there.

Pacce gives good advice. I'd recommend the same.
Sturm also gives good advice. In regards to your new FOE side-story, it'd likely be best to snag the reader early with a tantalizing hook, then once ya got em, extend your chapters into full-length.
Incidentally, I'm a hore for FOE (I've read the damn thing 4 or 5 times), and good side stories are rare. I'd be very interesting to read it.
>> No. 100164
>>100144
Well!

Would you like an early look at it? I've got 18ish pages, but since the first chapter is only gonna be 10, I can shoot you a gdoc link on Fimfic.
>> No. 100165
File 133584247849.gif - (1.00MB , 200x152 , cmt-medium.gif )
100165
>>100144
>Four or five times
>Eight-hundred thousand words long, give or take
>Hory Shiite
You wouldn't happen to know of any (good) Zebrica FoE sidefics, would you? I've always found its exclusion to be a criminal omission.
>> No. 100174
File 133584659069.png - (165.29KB , 900x704 , Side-stories! Side-stories everywhere!!.png )
100174
>>100164
fuck yeah, do want

>>100165
Heh, have I mentioned I read way too much? I think at the moment I've got four fics open, an I'm in the middle of a sci-fi book (light reading), Bertrand Russell's 'Political Ideals', random essays from Emma Goldman an Emerson... Mm. Yeah, that's it, I think.

>I've always found its exclusion to be a criminal omission.
I couldn't agree more. Have I mentioned even half-way decent FOE/SS fics are really hard to find?
But yeah,
>Zebrica side-fic
That story needs to be told, so badly.
>> No. 100180
>>100174
fukkin sent
>> No. 100181
File 133584801031.jpg - (45.39KB , 700x700 , 130297371097.jpg )
100181
Oh, shit. I really meant to mention this earlier guys, sorry.

To anyone of you living in a major city, just a heads up on a few points:
1) Keep your wits about you, an a sharp ear to the ground tomorrow.
2) There may be moderate to complete blockage of main thoroughfares (this may or may not include state and interstate freeways).
3) If you see a crowd of over a hundred, consider the streets taken, and it's more than likely more large groups are on the way to converge, so if you have somewhere to be, get the hell out of there.
4) If you have a police scanner app on your phone, keep it handy. If you see police numbering in a ratio of more than 1/20 to a crowd, gtfo unless you know what you're doing or how to deal with riot tactics.

I'd apologize for any disruption, but the reasons why I don't aren't particularly suited for this board, nor is the inevitable discussion that would follow. On the upswing, if I didn't care about you guys, I wouldn't be giving you a heads up!

Oh, and this PSA is not confined to American boarders.
>> No. 100182
>>100174
I tried reading through Pink Eyes, but the stilted writing made me nearly pop a blood vessel.
I've given it thought, but the funny thing about it is that my idea didn't star a zebra. In fact, zebras in Zebrica were nearly extinct in my idea since most of them died during the war.
>> No. 100191
>>100181
But then how am I supposed to join in?

In all seriousness, is this Occupy making another push as the election cycle kicks up?
>> No. 100196
>>100181
You stay safe out there, Seattle.
>> No. 100248
>>100181
Whoa. We live in interesting times.

I feel bad for being all business-as-usual, just going to work, reading and watching Game of Thrones at a friend's house on Sunday evenings as though those were the biggest things happening in my life. Thanks for bringing us alerts from the real world.
>> No. 100271
>>100181
What's this all about?
>> No. 100280
>>100271
He's an organizer of sorts for the Occupy (insert notable destination here) movement.
>> No. 105751
File 133907319808.jpg - (22.93KB , 320x311 , Baron tea.jpg )
105751
This must be Thursday; I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

As requested, I am lifting this thread from the depths of despair and into the light with a relevant post: a review. Therefore, if you have yet to read this story, consider this an invitation to start.

Concept
What if Rainbow Dash's loyalty was tested? Not by asking if she would ever let her friends down, but by asking if she could act against their desires for their greater benefit? What if the Shadowbolts were real, and not made of illusion and mist? How could she go on if everyone believed her a traitor? Well, dear Reader, read on...

Review
So. Yeah.

Chapter one started recognizable enough. Why, I could almost quote it myself if I had a better memory. Then it was different.

Yay! Not-canon Luna! Don't ask.

...
Well, I'll skip the chapter-by-chapter. This is, all in all, a very, very intriguing read. The concept you chose is awesome, and you do a great job in writing it. It is enthralling and immersive (minus the consistency errors, but I have pointed those out to you, and that is just the bare bones of it.

The world around it that you are building is likewise intriguing, and I really want to explore it more. Lyra is awesome, so are the wolves (obviously), I wonder what Octavia might know, and I really like what you did to the Wonderbolts. I may have to steal that idea, mind (with modifications, of course). The other provinces that you are introducing are likewise interesting, and I do want to see more of them.

Hmmm...Equestrian army. Well, to each their own, I suppose.

Now, I'm no expert at main characterization (the main reason I am refusing to use them in my own story), but all of the six feel right, so congratz on that front. I also enjoy the Luna you are playing, for she is a good princess, one that I can agree with and probably would have played myself if canon-Luna hadn't shown up, thus forcing me to shift gears with her and try and justify...um, I'll just stop; this isn't the place for it. Although... I have never understood why people seem to think that RD is a lesbian, and I certainly don't understand the AppleDash idea. While your story doesn't actually [i[do[/i] this, there is enough there to make the fanboys giggle, and me to raise my eyebrow. For someone who says they don't much care for shipping, it seems a little odd. Not a complaint, mind you, just an observation.

All in all, this is a good story, and I, for one, eagerly await the next chapter. Or several, depending on how long this intends to go. The current cliffhanger leaves me feeling hungry for words, and I find plausible future scenarios are trying to build themselves in my head. All of them wrong, probably, but construction has begun and the foreman is waving the contract at me and telling me that I have no legal recourse against him.

Bloody paperwork.

Incidentally, I suddenly had an entertaining idea for a scene where the "hero" goes before the ruling council of the realm, and the council is being all arrogant because they can be, and the "hero" is calling them out on every little pompous presumption they have, and is making it clear that he has absolutely no respect for the self-righteous bastards and their preconceived notions of inherent superiority. I think it might be fun.

So. Yeah.
Read this.
>> No. 105888
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105888
>>105751
EJN, you now are one of my favorite people. I seriously owe you one for this mate.
I had been meaning for a couple months now to go back and bring the entirety of this work up to the grammatical standards I hold these days (as opposed to pretty much a year ago when I began this thing), but then you dropped in and damn near did all the work for me.
All of my HNNNNNNG.

I just completed all the way through chapter 9, and god does it look fresh. You had a few comments throughout the docs, though I was so focused on the editing that I didn't address them. Anything you actually want an answer to that doesn't give away the next sequence?

Again, thank you SO much, you've saved me a ton of time that I don't have. Respect, man. Cheers.
>> No. 117329
File 134586300077.jpg - (133.43KB , 1440x811 , 1300997037667.jpg )
117329
This just goes out to Seattle, who I hope completely returns to this when he finishes the side story about Sweetie Belle not being able to decide between Magic and Music, and eventually trying to do both.

Which is analogous to another situation also going on in the the same fic.
>> No. 117334
>>117329
Minty, I love you man (I really do) but /fic/ has 48 pages and gets, maximum, about two threads a day added to it, which means it takes a normal thread about nine months to disappear if you aren't constantly necroing it from the very end of the board, and you get plenty of warning beforehand before that happens any, too.

Bumping this is like trying to save the ocean from burning, it will happen eventually but you really don't need to worry unless everyone starts acting like they were stupid.

*Looks around the board*

Oh... carry on.
>> No. 117371
File 134590153956.jpg - (238.94KB , 1600x900 , gantz_rainbow_dash_by_johnjoseco-d411e0s.jpg )
117371
>>117329
Since it's been bumped, may as well note that I've got around 30 pages written up for the next chapter, around 20 for the one after that, and some preeeetty nifty (if I do say so mahself) scenes planned for an epilogue.

>>117334
I haven't checked up on this thread in quite some time, so I can only assume it was getting dangerously close to the edge of the world where the oceans flow off into space, and you know how those four elephants holding up the disk give not a fuck about what goes past them into oblivion. *shrugs*

...Well... Um. Huh, Okay. I guess since this is going on, may as well drop an excerpt from the next chapter? Let's see if I canna find a nice lil bit that doesn't—AH, this should do-

The hooffalls drew closer. Dash took a mouthful of the rancid hay, biting down hard to strangle the mewling sound that tried to claw out her throat. He was standing right over her now, silent and looming. She could feel the malice radiating from him: his hatred, his desire to make her scream and plead, hard eyes betraying the pleasure he would take from it all.

She felt a hoof press into her shoulder, and all thoughts of compliance, submission—whatever it took to avoid the pain—fled from her like the deluge from a rain-heavy cloud. No matter the cost, a black part of her mind thought savagely, bursting to the fore as her vision went red, I am not broken. I’ll die before I break, and I’ll take this bastard with me!
>> No. 117405
File 134592763768.png - (295.93KB , 977x760 , hHxHx.png )
117405
>>117371
> 30 pages
Yikes. You turning SS&E on us? Looking forward to it one way or another.

Just a small pet peeve of mine: pages are a far less meaningful unit than words, especially in digital renditions of textual media, wherein text reflow and whatnot can change the page count on a whim. Sorry, just had to get that out.
>> No. 118393
oh mah gawd.

Over a year ago now, an unknown author bounced into my inbox with a story. READ MAH STARY, EES GOOD.

Yeah, yeah, I thought, let's go pat a few heads and hand out some lollipops.

So I read it. It showed a lot of promise - it's pretty standard fare to take something that happened in the show and then expand and expound upon it. It wasn't amazing at the time, but it was pretty *daring*: the entire first two episodes, and therefore the entire tone of the world, is set by Twilight becoming friends with the rest of the mane 6, and through that friendship, managing to harness the power of the Elements of Harmony, thereby releasing Celestia and redeeming Luna.

Here's where things get interesting. What if, the plucky young author suggests, Luna could have survived all on her own? What if Celestia just wanted to have things her way? What if, instead of by failing to harness the elements, it didn't plunge Equestria into everlasting night under the curse of Nightmare Moon, but instead it just meant a transfer of power to Luna, and the friendships of the mane 6 going in *completely different directions*.

At the time, chapter 1 (so long ago, Seattle didn't remember at first, and then didn't believe it was me!) was a bit shaky. It seemed to be falling far too far towards Dash being tricked by evil and a predictable, boring conclusion.

Spice it up, I said, make us believe in your characters. *build your world*.

Well, it went up after he pulled out the stops. He delivered. The fact he's now gone back over in gdocs and fixed what he terms "the suck" (dammit Seattle, update fimfic!) just shows how much he's stepped up his game, but damn, man.

I found this again - after some gentle (and not so gentle) prodding - and I'm amazed. I read chapter 1 and chapter 2. Now there's so much more of it, and the world he is building is that much more incredible. Friendships never made, alliances that are totally different, a world which is startlingly realized and detailed...

Let me put this straight - I'm pretty harsh on my own works (even ones I'm relatively proud of), but I know they're pretty good. I find myself feeling envious of the depth and colour he's painted his world with, here, and would honestly feel proud of having this story as one of mine. I'm not sure if I should be casting some dark magics and stealing his powers for my own, at this point.

When it gets down to it, you can't get much higher praise than "I wish I'd done this".

This story seriously deserves a lot more attention - new head canon abounds, I'm interested in the wolves, the deer, the dragons, in Luna and her fight with the Nightmare... it's really, gushingly-praiseworthy postingly, interesting.

I know this review doesn't actually reveal much, and it's mostly me gushing, but... read it if you haven't. There aren't many stories with this much attention to detail. "the immortal game" is one. This is another. I can only *hope* my own work measures up.
>> No. 118405
>>118393
It would be interesting to read the counter to this now that I think about it: why isn't this being read by every single person everywhere, and why it gets so little praise?
>> No. 118406
>>118405
It's long. ^^

Come to /fic/, read the best stories no one reads. Eventually.
When you get the time.
>> No. 118501
>>118393
>dammit Seattle, update fimfic!
HAVE DONE! IS PURTY
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/231/Divergence
And thanks much for the awesome header coding mang.

>you can't get much higher praise than "I wish I'd done this".
*sniffle* Oh man, this is such a beautiful gift for a writer. Thank you for your thoughts mids, not only are they touching, they've convinced me to shut off the world for the remainder of the day, hike out to a lake, find a nice shady oak tree to hunker down under, and finish chapter 10.

>>118405
I honestly don't even know what to say to this anon, aside from a 'thank you'.

>>118406
But, but, it's not even like, 60k! It's not that long at all :/
>> No. 118509
>>118501
And I meant it. I have yet to see anyone tell a good reason they aren't reading it, like, right now.

But yeah, if this is too long for people to read, we are royally fucked.
>> No. 118848
File 134710353311.jpg - (124.07KB , 894x894 , leather_skies_by_johnjoseco-d3k4a7v.jpg )
118848
Okay. Holy shit. Clocking in at 35 pages, Chapter 10 of Divergence is ready for review!

I'd love to get any of the usual suspects available to go over it before release to a public that's totally forgotten about it.

Minty, Var: would love your eyes for plot and concept.
Dem, Dubs: If you're around, your grammatical insight would be a delight to have.
Do let me know if you guys (or anyone else of course) would care to have a look with a critical eye.
Doc is locked, so just request access.

Chapter Ten of Divergence: Juxtaposition
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xs7fQZ5BiROW46B15QITDMrlOdRSldMONRj7D7QeuEc/edit
>> No. 118938
>>118848
was bouncing around the thread, and it appears you didn't set chapter 10 to be viewable without permission (although this could be intentional).
>> No. 118950
>>118938
>Doc is locked, so just request access.
>> No. 119056
>>118848
I've already foamed at the mouth about this to Seattle, so now I suppose I'll spread my froth all over the thread too.

Without rambling too much, have any of you ever seen Ghost in the Shell? You know what I really love about that movie, besides all the cyberpunk?

The diplomatic tension.

In most action movies, there is maybe a mention of things like international incidents, or ambassadors, but it's all background noise. There's a disconnect between the political atmosphere and the action that is unfolding. The reason behind this is because there isn't much world building. The focus is on a specific event, or series of events, and not the structure or longevity of the world in which it unfolds.

A sign of really good world building is the presence of diplomatic tension within-and without-the factions at odds. The actions of the characters have consequences, things like ambassadors are important, and diplomacy is just as essential as combat skill. It's a world that is alive and constantly moving; not just a cardboard cutout.

So let's talk about chapter 10, and all the subsequent chapters. I love how much care Seattle has put into building the political structure of the Equestrian government, and even more, I love how you can see all the strain that Celestia's absence has put on that government.

Don't get me wrong, there is lots and lots of action, and it's all very well written, but you can also see a lot of intellect at work in the way that not every conflict is resolved with violence. Sometimes, a fight fought with words can be more interesting than beating one another senseless. Seattle understands this, and his dialogue is always engaging.

There is also plain evidence of much larger pieces falling into place beyond Twilight and company. That is to say, while you're reading about what's happening in Equestria, you're simultaneously given just enough snippets of information about the political atmosphere of the rest of the world, and how they're reacting to the powder keg situation, to see the bigger picture.

The sheer scale of it is very impressive, and serves as a very nice backdrop without being distracting.

I do wish there was a bit more Pinkie, but I understand that Seattle has a hard time getting a grasp on her whimsical nature. Mystical Lyra still feels a little novel to me, but I've written weirder things~

TL;DR: If you're reading this right now, read the fucking story he wrote. It's awesome.
>> No. 119061
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119061
>>118848
I'm bored, have some time on my hands. If you feel secure enough about your newest chapter I might take a look and do some mark ups, maybe give a general impression. Put me on the editor list (E-mail has been provided) if you'd like me to.
>> No. 119067
File 134733166410.png - (369.02KB , 450x345 , 100PercentCool.png )
119067
>>119056
I love you.
>and yes, fuck Pinkie-Pie-psycho-bitch.

>>119061
>If you feel secure enough
Ohyou.jpg

Sure mate, though if you haven't caught up with 9, don't expect to know what the shit is going on.
>> No. 119088
File 134733942190.jpg - (299.76KB , 700x1050 , lunar_ease_by_bloo_ocean-d5dobvk.jpg )
119088
>>119067
Indeedme.png

I'll make sure to check it out. If I might offer a suggestion, linking each chapter to the two that came before and after it could be a prudent idea, or perhaps using an index as the central hub for the story.
>> No. 119091
File 134734301896.jpg - (67.17KB , 640x480 , Z4j5H.jpg )
119091
Yaaaaaaay great chapter!

I did what I could. I could not brain so well; I was sleepy from a hobby-code binge weekend that resulted in one sleepless night and work. Damn GRRM also blunting my scrutiny.

One thing I thought was a tad bit odd was that the "echo" of Celestia seemed to flit from an interactive, inquisitive thing one moment to a mindless recording the next.
>> No. 119224
File 134743130604.jpg - (216.57KB , 1600x1131 , rainbow_dash_graffiti_by_taliesin_the_dragoon-d4oztiq.jpg )
119224
Aaaaand a huge thank you to everyone who helped out. Chapter wouldn't be what it is without you all.
All in all? I'm pretty damned pleased :)

Chapter 10 - Juxtaposition--
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xs7fQZ5BiROW46B15QITDMrlOdRSldMONRj7D7QeuEc/edit

FimFic link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/231/Divergence
>> No. 129069
JoyceMay 29, 2011The photos <a href="http://wagxzxtih.com">tunerd</a> out very well and I am grateful that you are both such gifted photographers. Thank you for capturing the special moments at our wedding and for being so generous with your time and energy.
>> No. 131489
http://fitflopsalesingapore2.blogspot.com/
<a href="http://2013fitflopsalesingapore.blogspot.com/" >fitflop online</a>
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