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File 131638199331.jpg - (41.32KB , 487x325 , border_inNorth_Korea_Image3.jpg )
50519 No. 50519
Okay, I got a new pitch for you /fic/. I am currently stalled on "Soldiers in Equestria" (see http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/34082.html) and I got a new story idea.

We have your basic North and South Korea situation, only its between the Humans and Equestria. Humans have cut off all communication, trade, travel with Equestria. And Equestria in turn has banned entrance. It has been this way for years. (needs backstory, ideas welcomed)

Humans are currently dealing with internal problems, and Ponies are actually very curious about humans in general. as very little has been written about them other then what they can see from the human guards at the border. One pony from the university of canterlot has studied humans from afar by telescope for years, and gets tired eventually of just observing border guards, and against the advice of university, braves a illegal border crossing.

So how about it?
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 50525
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50525
I was working on a similar idea, actually.

Like, 19th century start of WW1 humans finally decide to invade Equestria after a long period of cold war. I was thinking of adding Howl's Moving Castle type scenery, and the humans also have mages. Except unicorns are way stronger.

My story was going to follow a young sorcerer's apprentice, who is drafted into the war effort, and participates in the first major conflict of the war- The Battle of Rennington. Rennington is a border village between the human kingdoms and 'The Wilds' which is the name given by humans to describe the dragon, griffon and pony kingdoms. There, he fights alongside his master, who is a father figure to him, and is also one of the most powerful mages of the land. (However he hates hurting and killing, he's primarily a doctor and alchemist)

During the battle. the dragons and griffons announce a treaty of alliance with ponykind, all against humans. A grown-up Spike, with a number of other dragons come down on the humans defending Rennington and their forces are obliterated. Huge battle where the sorcerer manages to kill Spike, but then meets Twilight, who only followed to persuade Spike to stop. Twilight, seeing Spike dead, goes into a frenzy and kills the sorcerer (I think I'll call him Pendragon) with his apprentice watching. The apprentice swears that he will have Twilight's head if it kills him.

The apprentice is then sent on recon to scout the closest reaches of the pony kingdom, the Everfree forest. First he will meet Fluttershy, to which he will hesitate to kill. Then it is revealed that she's travelling with Applejack and Twilight due to the Everfree forest being dangerous, and Twilight easily bests him with her magic. However, she can't kill him- and takes him back to Ponyville, restrained.

Here on, I'm not sure. Somehow, I think they'll grow to understand that inside, they're all made of the same stuff, and they team up to end the stupid war. I want to include a subliminal message on racism through the story, but it's still in the drafting stages. I have the first few pages written, but it's going to be another long'un.
>> No. 50547
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50547
>>50525

Interesting. But I am aiming for a bit more modern approach.
>> No. 50582
The university for gifted unicorns (or whatever it's called) has done an experiment of opening a portal on an island off the coast of Equestria hoping for it to lead to Canterlot as a means of immediate travel for all ponykind.

Something went wrong during the procedure, during which it didn't open at Canterlot and instead a rift in the multiverse upon a plateau of barren rock and desert where magic is inert halfway through the land, upon finding another portal flowing, possible theories of the Equestria theory proposed by an Equestrian Physicts where ______ (Post your own theories, I can't think of one.) upon walking through they come upon the Isle of man in the British Isles.

In the first day Human contact is established things quickly turn tense and the British military is called, and an alert sent to the UN of the immediate anomaly, and the Isle of Man is evacuated due to a false interpretation of (Threat here.).

The Military quickly try to innoculate the ponies but fail to as they escape through the portal upon being confronted. The military end up setting an outpost, none daring to go through the anomaly.

During this lull where the Humans aren't coming through the Unicorns end up quickly teleporting to Canterlot through group means, quickly heading to Celestia and telling them of its discovery upon a hostile species which are quickly dismissed from their recounts to the Princesses although she orders them to create an Outpost upon the Isle of Pony (Island Name, or whatever you want to call it.)

When the Humans finally move through to the "Rift" Dubbed by the Ponies, they discover upon entrance that the line is drawn by barricades with minature pastel-coloured horses through with a building funneling.

A diplomat is established where they cannot get past the border without war, Celestia eventually appears and allows the human to come to the magic, upon trying to hear them speak and unable to comprehend she uses <GOD MAGIC> for them to speak equestrian and contact is finally established.

The tensions ease slightly, allowing universal crossing by humans (who're military, as they quarantined the Isle of Man) offering gifts of knowledge to the Princesses where their instantly translated to Equestrian due to <GOD MAGIC>.

Although humans have specifically quarantined off the Isle of Man to their other kind, ponykind is the opposite, allowing books to be replicated and knowledge to be shared, although government officials and military allowed only near close proximity of the portal.

Upon further knowledge of Humanity's rather "corrupt" (From the views of Equestria goddamn Earth and Western Society must be fucked I mean holy jesus.) is shut off and all Human envoys are required to leave.

A few years later and multiple tries to close the portal on their side with failure a pony reporter decides to run through.
>> No. 50616
>>50582

Thats good, but I got something better;

>Humans and Ponies have lived on the same universe.

>An accident starts a war, a truce is declared and a line is drawn in the sand.

>Humans are not allowed contact with any ponies, or travel. Vice-versa, but more gentle enforcement.

>Years go by, border incidents happen on and off between civilians and soldiers of both sides.

>Humans are an interesting topic at Canterlot university, as they have influenced ponies alot, yet have outdated or infactual information.

>Pony wants to correct inaccuracies. story ensues...

I'll begin writing tomorrow.
>> No. 64177
>>50616
Neat
I've always thought an idea like this would turn out cool
>> No. 64179
File 132071688501.png - (142.73KB , 300x225 , pony_DMZ.png )
64179
Now without further ado, I present chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19hqXOEqlxZXrHMsnVHReoo6NBWAw-1-J4alAM6LIz5M/edit

Enjoy readers! Reviewers, your review isn't requested at this time. Go read something else.
>> No. 64229
>>64179
I enjoyed that first chapter. It has amused me with how some fanfics either purposely or unintentionally make the ponies slightly hypocritical with human tech. They love having it and using it for themselves, but hate how some of the unmagical human tech causes pollution.

They keep forgetting that humans don't have magic that makes everything instantly 'green' if you will. Humans aren't Captain Planet villains who pollute for the fun of it. It's because green technology is horribly expensive and or unfeasible depending on the technology level.

Though mixing magic with tech might yield such results if both sides weren't so against each other.
>> No. 64273
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64273
I must admit, HiE stories usually don't sit well with me but this has caught my interest. I like the fact that the background is believable and the setup effective. I look forward to more in a similar vein to this exert, though I must cation you on one thing. The view point must stay coherent, that is to say peehaps you may want to stick with the Pony view and not switch between a human and pony. The ensuing struggle to paint the mindset and motivations of a human I fell would draw too much from the Pony view( though perhaps it makes a good spin-off?). Either way good work and I hope to see more in the future.
>> No. 64280
>>64179
>Reviewers, your review isn't requested at this time. Go read something else.
Oh, you silly filly. I know you're just trying reverse psychology! I'll review it soon ^_^.
>> No. 64311
>>64229
I really liked this story, the unique history and the idea that Humanology is a seperate faculty from History, Science, Magic and Psychology sort of makes sense.
Which warrants the question of what the ponies call ther Social Sciences and the Humanities faculty, if they even have one.
I'm also guessing that the deans of each university faculty weren't present because thy aren't on the board?
I actually prefer HiE stories where humans have existed with ponies for most of history, like, one dosen't just get dropped into the Everfree Forest.
>> No. 64374
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64374
>>64280
>> No. 64382
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64382
>>64374
>> No. 64534
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64534
>>64374
>>64382
>> No. 64646
I got an idea for just one without any specific character, just warfare stories scattered about.
IMO the humans would win every time, their technology far suprasses that of ponies.
>> No. 64649
>>64646
I highly suspect that a unicorn can explode a person with their mind.

(But I haven't read any stories like that yet)
(Possibly including this one, I don't know. I plan on reading it soon.)
>> No. 64662
>>64649
yes but we have guns, all we have to do is aim and pull
>> No. 64694
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64694
>>64649
>> No. 64710
>>64649
Aluminum foil lined great helms/Stahlhelm/K-Pot should help with that.
>> No. 64793
>>64646
I personally subscribe to the "Magic radiation doubles as EMP" idea, thereby bringing them down to the ponies' level, if a few generations ahead in weapon development and the mindset to make use of them.
>> No. 64826
>>64793
Well, the chemical and mechanical reactions of gunfire would still work even in an EMP rich enviroment.
Unicorns would have to stop or suppress one of the two of those to stop gunfire.
Yeah, the humans would have to rely on different means of communication, other than radios and such, but we were doing that in wars really well back in the 1800s.
>> No. 64922
I think a steam-punk setting would be the best idea. Zany inventions belching smoke, bolt-action rifles and the occasional hand-cranked Gatling gun
>> No. 64932
>>64922

I am thinking of 1900 style. This is the backdrop of what I want humans to be portrayed as, with a few years of technical advances.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XbKC5XUCoA
>> No. 65239
>>64932

So the ponies think the humans are still in the early 1900?
Make the human technology be around years 1940 and 1960 because of huge leaps in technology.
Thats just my 2 cents, I'd like to see the humans far more advanced than the ponies think.
>> No. 65248
1940-60 technology would steamroll the ponies with ease. I say that at their last war the humans had about 1840-50's tech with slow loading rifles and crude artillery which allowed the ponies some parity. Since then in a mere 50 Years they have advanced a lot and have an army and technology that poses new threats. Most ponies are dismissive of humans because their armies had a pretty sub-par showing on their last conflict. They don't even suspect the steam-punk nightmare of land dreadnoughts, armored zeppelins (maybe with alchemical antigravity gas) and steam powered armors armed with the latest killing implements building up inside the border.

The human nation like any late 19th century capitalist economy needs resources and new markets and feels hemmed in by the ponies. Like France after being defeated by Germany in 1860's their are roaring for a second go
>> No. 65251
Go read Defolace's "Ten Rounds" again. Ingenious use of magic could easily give the ponies the edge they need.
>> No. 65265
>>65248

Steampunk technology and alchemy?
Awesome.
>> No. 66959
Okay, I wrote a brief history that would help several side stories I have planned. I was going to include it in chapter 2, but for some reason I felt that this was a little too science fiction-y for my taste. I would have to explain some of the inventions and why they were created all together at the same time. (Radio, Zepplin, Helicopter). How would you make this better?:

History of Humans

By Dr. MoonBeam

Humans were discovered in the winter of 19XX by the expeditionary earth pony guard after Princess Celestia requested that the north west of the Equestrian kingdom was to be mapped. Humans were quite welcoming to their new intelligent “comrades” and “students”. They showed them their buildings, magnificent and made of stone, trees and metal instead of grass and sticks and dirt. They showed them the tools they used to build them. They showed them their socialist government, people, and their most precious buildings of all, schools. They also taught them that they ranked themselves according to schooling and voting. The ranks were “Student, Teacher, Master, and Doctor”.

The ponies were impressed. They returned, only after learning how to make better paper, book bindings, and a more efficient way of making maps. They also brought along the human's most prominent Doctors eager to study the talking equines after they talked of magic, weather control and their princess's ability to raise the sun and moon. The doctors were determine to disprove this seemingly misguided race with science.

By the end of the visit. Doctors were completely stunned. They recommended to the human race to name Princess Celestia the new leader and submit to the monarchy, in exchange, the humans would teach ponykind their crafts, ways, and build up their new monarch's castle and their pride and joy, the university. The underlying reason? Humans wanted protection from the griffins and wanted to use magic in their inventions.

In only 100 years, the society of Equestria changed dramatically. Ponies no longer lived in huts and fields. They lived in wood and stone homes, towns, and growing cities. Inventions such as stoves, umbrellas, and tools made life easier for ponies. But the land was not yet a melting pot. Humans preferred to live to the west, ponies to the east, and what remained of the griffin kingdom to the northern mountains (the wasteland).

Then one day, the Princess learned of a new development, pollution emanating from humans was causing nature problems, and the pegasai were contracting illnesses from it. She sent an order to the west for all human factories and workshops to halt completely, and change their way of life from inventing to protecting the environment only. Reeducation would be provided free of charge.

Humans were absolutely appalled by this order. Humans lived by three words: Discover, Create and Innovate. How can they just drop their way of life? One individual who asked himself that question, was Teacher Brandon Oppenheimer, who made sprockets and cogs for a living. On fall 2, 21xx, he along with other humans rebelled in the town of Brassburg and forced back the royal guard. Similar incidents occurred in other human dominate cities after hearing of Oppenheimer's bold move. Eventually, Humans then held the first conference in fall 80, 21xx and wrote the Human Republic declaration of independence, with Oppenheimer promoted to Master, and named the Tsar (king).

Princess Celestia was not impressed. She stated that she was saddened by the Humans' move to declare independence, rather then understand that the world was being imperiled by industrial activity and threatened war. Tsar Oppenheimer replied “I am not unsympathetic or ignorant to the pollution you wish to protect Equestria from. I promise to enact moderate reforms about how we conduct our lives, but you must accept our independence and respect our sovereignty.”

The Princess ignored the Tsar, and issued order 2564, “Destroy or dismantle all human industry, and arrest the rebels. Deadly force is granted to protect those carrying out this order, avoid civilian casualties, put them under a constant cloud cover.”

The Tsar in response, “Repel the invasion up to horizonal 42, and defend until peace or death. Form armies and departments to confound and disable Equestria forces and government. Leave the schools and universities alone.”

War was waged over horizonal line 42, and most of the war, humans were pushed back by magic. However, humans developed a new type of metal called “Hekaluminum”. It was resistant to magic, and turned a distinct purple when magic was used on it, or near it. Combined with ammunition, the new “machine pistol” and armor, it turned the bloodiest battle around at the human capital of Coal City.

Then came the most horrific tragedy of ponykind, The battle of Canterlot. In the winter of 67, 21xx Humans infiltrated Canterlot in the dead of night while Princess Celestia was away. Using their newest inventions, zepplins, parachutes, and radios, they sneaked into the castle, and began killing everypony. The royal guard barracks at the same time, was hit with explosives from the zeppelins. When the element of surprise was gone, the royal guard was reorganized and ordered their air forces into the sky. The humans then revealed a fast moving horror that deployed from the floating death spheres, the Brassicopter.

When Celestia returned, she was devastated by the loss of life . She entered her throne room to find that order 2564 was ripped to shreds on the floor, black paint was sprayed on the walls spelling out “SPECIAL AIR SERVICE, You are about to have a bad day!” , and a letter addressed to Celestia from Oppenheimer on the throne room. The content of this letter was never made public, but it was said that after Celestia read it she ordered the end of hostilities. Strangely enough, before the formal truce was signed Tsar Oppenheimer disappeared. A new general assembly was established. To this day, Humans and Equine are still technically at war, and no one knew what happened to Oppenheimer.
>> No. 66986
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66986
>>66959
It's cool how huams are the benefactors for pony society, then the university deans dismiss the humanities department.
>> No. 66989
File 132173227487.jpg - (54.14KB , 500x412 , dudewhat.jpg )
66989
What is a huams?
>> No. 67017
Oppenheimer, huh? I think i know what caused Celestia to back down.
>> No. 67021
>>67017

Yeah, Oppenheimer is a pretty suggestive name, but the human technology doesn't sound that advanced.
>> No. 67022
>>67017
While they were likely unable to attain nuclear fision or detonation, they probably could have radioactive material. Just get a little, cover a large bomb in the stuff and detonate it. That's how you make a dirty bomb.
Funnily enough, just saying that might have gotten this post flagged by any of several intellegence agencies, and they may investigate.
Hi CIA agents! You should really try watching the first MLP:FiM episode!

>>66989
It's a place in Namibia, why?
>> No. 67023
>>67022
I should note that the objective of a dirty bomb is to spread radioactive dust and irradiated soil over a large area.
>> No. 67028
So noone would think "WTF? Radios? LOL THIS STORY IS SHIT"?
>> No. 67036
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67036
>>67028
I-
...
No, too easy.
>> No. 67064
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67064
>>67036
>> No. 67066
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67066
>>67036
>> No. 67079
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67079
>>67066
>pic rp
So, we meet again.
>> No. 67174
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67174
>>67079
>> No. 67183
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67183
>>67174
>> No. 67194
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67194
>>67183
>> No. 67292
Now that I think of it, WWII did have both Zepplins and Radios (big ones), but certainly not helicopters.
>> No. 67306
>>67292
Actually early versions of helicopters were used, just not very often
>> No. 67317
File 132190256251.jpg - (41.08KB , 495x390 , oh-the-huge-manatee.jpg )
67317
>>67292
They had jets by the end of the war as well as guided rockets. Zepplins were largely abandoned after WWII except as transport vehicles like the Hindenburg (and we all know how that turned out). Helicopters existed as well, but like >>67306 said they weren't effective enough to be used widely. There were even tests into personal helicopters to act as scouts and gun platforms, but having a man standing above open-rotors was deemed unsafe (hurr durr).
>> No. 67320
>>67292
Try autogyros.

They're cooler than helicopters, and they were totally around in the 20s.
>> No. 67326
>>67320
Or Ornithopters (they fly with flapping wings, perfect for a steampunk setting).
>> No. 67515
File 132197587999.png - (230.25KB , 550x412 , Flettner Aeroplane.png )
67515
>>67326
Ornithopters are mainstream compared to Flettner Aeroplanes!
Check it: No wings, just spinning drums abusing the Magnus effect to create lift!
>> No. 67522
Surprisingly creative idea,actually. But I feel as if this shouldn't have had its own thread...
>> No. 67526
File 132198026160.png - (268.19KB , 599x588 , That\'s Bullshit.png )
67526
>>67522
You've been tainted by the idea that stories in /fic/ should be posted once, in full. And the idea that WiP should be restricted to reveiw threads.
This thread started as a brainstorm for a fic and it contains the fruit of that brainstorm.
Let Cabal keep droping off the fruit.
>> No. 67531
>>67526
And I like the idea of discussing/learning more about this universe.

Say, is chapter 2 gonna be out soon?
>> No. 67573
>>67526
The thing about this thread is that chances are it's going to end up like his last one: I'm going to read it, point out all of the story-killing flaws, and he's going to abandon it and try again.
Perhaps a little blunt, but there is a precendent for this, so I feel justified in saying it.
>> No. 67604
>>67573
Well he obviously has a desire to get his stories out there to us, so he can either keep posting it in this thread or start a new thread for all his works.
>> No. 67619
I assure you, both stories are being worked on, I am just not familiar with steampunk, as it wasn't originally in the layout.

New topic: What would you ask your teacher if you were a student in cheerilee's school about humans?
>> No. 67621
File 132201551920.png - (45.61KB , 225x168 , 225px-Humanhorn.png )
67621
>>67604
Which is why he doesn't need to have a thread for each story and why I'm against single-story threads. So far this one has been a pilot chapter, a teaser/exposition chunk and a whole lot of idea-planning that hasn't really produced results.

>>67619
Why do humans have two horns?
>pic
/innuendo
>> No. 67651
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67651
>>67619
(If humans can use magic:) "How are they able to do magic without horns?"

I guess since it's be a kid asking the question: "Why do humans have sharp front teeth?" (The kid probably woulden't recognize that carnivores like bears have sharp teeth)

"what would we be like if humnas haden't taught us?"
>> No. 67655
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67655
>>67619
"How the hell do they stand with only two feet and no tail?"

"What's up with all those clothes?"

"How many types of humans are there?"

"Why do humans keep trying to crush Fluttershy with their arms?"
>> No. 67772
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67772
>>67655

Oh god that pic
>> No. 67856
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67856
>>67621

GET OUT
>> No. 67859
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67859
>>67856
>> No. 67862
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67862
>>67859

GET OUT
>> No. 67863
File 132208268171.gif - (541.66KB , 392x142 , J2jk7.gif )
67863
>>67862
You know, I find this quite amusing in a perverse, hypocritical way.
Remember when I was making the sticky idea thread? And all you could do was whine and generally be a pissant without ever actually contributing to the idea? And when I asked you to leave you not only didn't, but cried bloody murder at my attempts to "silence" you?
Yeah. You see, the difference is, I have actually contributed to this thread. Perhaps it's not in the way you would like, but at least I'm actually doing something that may benefit this. It's quite a far cry from what you were doing.
So no, I won't leave. I see no reason to give you any boons when you were never capable of granting them yourself.
>> No. 67879
Why are you so mad about me not wanting a review right now and me rejecting the inclusion of your question of "Why do humans have two horns?".

If you feel that you haven't received recognition for your contributions to this thread, let me recognize them now: Thank you.

And in regards to making separate threads, sorry you feel that two differently awesome stories should be in one thread. It currently makes sense to me to have two as I would have people watching two different stories suddenly wonder why I haven't been updating, later to discover and be upset that I made a mega thread.

Most likely, you and they would complain "HURR you are cluttering up the board DURR". I can't please everybody, and I am not going to try.

Finally, comparing my humorous attempts on telling you to get out cannot be compared with the policy thread on /meta/. There were other underlying issues that needed addressed that I will not repeat here since it has been dealt with.

I've long since stop paying attention to you and your activities on /fic/ with the exception you boasting your abilities in soul-destroying reviews in that one thread. And I only replied with a pokerface emoticon. Let's keep it that way.
>> No. 67943
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67943
>>67879
Obvious troll answer was obvious. I was speaking of the suggestion for an ornithopters and such.

>sorry you feel that two differently awesome stories
This is a joke, right? Do I need to remind you that several reviewers tore your first story apart piece by peice? I don't want this to get out of hand (which it quickly is, unfortunetly), but don't make claims like that. The instant I dropped that review on your head you took your ball and went home, then came back with the same ball but had scribbled some figures on it and said it was new. This is nothing more than a re-hash of your other story, but with a quasi-political angle instead.
Expect a review tomorrow.

>Finally, comparing my humorous attempts
I don't see anyone laughing at your replies.

Also, just wanted to point out that your "Final" comment was your second last.

>Pic is me stealing your ball
>> No. 67961
>>67943
At what point does a post go from "reader comment" to "review"? The way I see it, Review = Reader Comment + Constructive Criticism.

As for Cabal's "megathread", considering how this is one of the two fics he's written (as far as I know), I don't think he's written enough to support an author thread. And there appears to actually be discussion in this thread. If posters want this thread, then why not let it be? It's not like it's My Little Dashie Discussion Thread #7.

On-topic: Ornithopters are cool.
>> No. 67962
When are you going to release chapter 2?
>> No. 67964
>>67943

I am going to disengage and let you have some more rope to hang yourself with. BTW, I haven't abandoned the other fic, I just haven't worked on it.

For those asking about Chapter 2:

Been very busy working with Purple Tinker and Rainbowdash.net, work, trying to find a surgeon to rip out my wisdom teeth before the insurance is up, TF2, etc. So to give a date of when the second chapter will be out would be foolish at this time. I recommend following me on http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cabal and sign up to be notified via email when something new appears.
>> No. 67967
>>67961
The problem is that this thread topic is very similar to his other one. The discussions and ideas could have easily fit into it. There was no reason for him to need a new thread other than him wanting to bury the reviewer's posts.
>> No. 67971
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67971
Is listing your tripcode really necessary?

Ph.D., not Phd.

What is the date supposed to signify? Summer 42? Is that his favourite band? I'm assuming the 22XX is supposed to be like a variable where the X's will be replaced with other numbers once you've settled on a year. If not, then you should reconsider; using X to be cool went out of style in the 80's.

The opening is... I can't quite place it, but it feels off. The reveal of his mentor dying is wasted since it's discussed in the actual story not more than a page down. The second ellipsis also has four dots and lacks a space.

>"...And that brings us to our next agenda item, Humanology.
The ellipsis implies that this sentence is continued from one that hasn't been written about. "And" should not begin a sentence (although you technically get a pass since it's dialogue). To imply that this is a continuation and avoid the aforementioned problem, the "And" should be uncapitalized.

>Dr. Gentle Moss arose
Nope. You're looking for "rose".

>...stretched from his seat.
I'm imagining something akin to Mr. Fantastic in the form of a pony here.

You're switching tenses again.

>Ponies naturally liked the outdoors, perhaps by wearing it
Comma should be a semi-colon.

>From left to right, there was Fizzy Bubbles, Chemistry. Light Wood, History. Starlight Bright, Magic and Wind Whisper, Psychology.
Punctuation for the list is wrong. To be honest, I'm not quite sure how I'd go about punctuating this, though. The addition of their departments makes it difficult.

You're inconsistent in placing commas before names. When a character is addressing another character by name, it's customary to always have a comma before the name unless it's a special circumstance (I.E. "What is this, Ion?").

Your dialogue-to-exposition transitions are mixed up. Cases in point:
>"Good Morning Dr. Moss." Starlight Bright said plainly
"You must be joking," Gentle Moss attempted to compose himself.
First one should be a comma, second should be a period at the end of the dialogue.
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm

>It compasses not only the history of humans...
Encompasses.

>"We were considering it. Nothing has been made final as of yet."
Paradox. First line implies that they've already reached a conclusion, second says otherwise.

>She paused for a moment, preparing for what she would say next would insult the doctor.
She's just stating the facts if you're trying to imply she's insulting him. The sentence is confusing.

>..."we are still technically at war because they succeeded land from Equestria."
First of all, you're looking for "Seceded." Next, as Obi-Wan would paraphrase, "This is not the word you're looking for."
Secede: Withdraw formally from membership in a federal union, an alliance, or a political or religious organization
Annex: Add (territory) to one's own territory by appropriation.

>200 years ago
I believe I already told you about numerals only being used in telling time and special circumstances, and they should NEVER be used in dialogue as they are here.

There's plenty more problems, but I've covered the most common of them and don't feel the need to point out every single one.

In relation to your last story, a dramatic improvement so far. It's still chock-full of mistakes, but it's legible and didn't have any of those "so-bad-it's-funny" moments like the last one did. There's a potentially interesting story buried in there, one even I might read were it executed well enough.
>> No. 68005
File 132217568234.jpg - (46.64KB , 450x300 , impressive.jpg )
68005
>>67971

Hmm... Ion-Sturm. I am impressed. You didn't totally write a cut throat review that would make anyone want to clear out the building.
>> No. 68006
>>50519
Wow, this is fortunate;
I am currently working on a fanfic about Equestria being re-discovered by NZ pilots (after more than 700 years). The idea was supposed to be a "Real World meets Fantasy World" motif. A group of UN envoys (a British diplomat, a German historian, an American Economic Diplomat, a Finnish Journalist and Documentator, as well as an RAAF flight crew) is discretely sent to Equestria to make the first contact (both culturally and politically), and to prepare both worlds for each other before the discovery is officially proclaimed throughout the world. Then through a series of events, the party finds itself grounded and must maybe even manage to avoid war between the two factions. I'm not quite finished with it, though.
>> No. 68010
File 132217773237.jpg - (156.08KB , 495x500 , chinese_soldier.jpg )
68010
>>68006

Sounds interesting. Is this chapter oriented, or are you waiting to release it when it is completely finished? Please post a draft.
>> No. 68011
>Punctuation for the list is wrong. To be honest, I'm not quite sure how I'd go about punctuating this, though. The addition of their departments makes it difficult.
Semicolons in place of the first two periods. Maybe one before the "and" as well, but I'm guessing that like a serial comma, that's a stylistic choice.
>> No. 68072
File 132221375173.jpg - (23.53KB , 400x266 , 132203681843.jpg )
68072
>>68005
Like I said, it wasn't a complete trainwreck, so it didn't call for a balls-out review. Simple math: Shit story = me letting you know you're a shitty writer. To be frank, I was quite surprised at how much the writing had improved (again, all things in relation). I attribute this to several points:
You're not using canon characters, so you didn't have the OOC problems.
You're not trying to just jump into a flimsy excuse for the humans to make war, but actually bothering to lay groundwork and lead-up to the conflict.
I like to think my first review shook up your world enough for you to actually attempt to improve yourself.
Also:
>You didn't totally write a cut throat review that would make anyone want to clear out the building.
If I remember correctly, my first review brought in several other people. Granted, they were all calling you out, but my point stands.
>> No. 68078
Oppenheimer, Zeppelins, Tsar, Hekaluminium, Brassicopter, Special AIr Service, Coal Town, Brassburg...

Its... getting a little bit out of hand, is it not? Shouldn't there be some kind of explanation about your... interesting choice of terminology?
>> No. 68082
>>68078

That is a draft. I don't think I will be including it. Might make for a great side story.
>> No. 68095
>>68010
Actually, as in this story I actually wanted more dialogue than action, I wrote it like a play. With scenes and characters' actions in brackets, etc. I just crossed the 12000 word mark. And I am not quite done, I will start posting scene for scene in at least in half a week (just so I don't manage to stop in the middle).
Now, I just found it interesting that the setting for "Soldiers In Equestria" is so similar. I in fact thought about including a bit more military, but decided to stick more to the political and cultural implications.
(It is also a bit more classical of a plot, as the group is (initially) pretty much cut off from the rest of the world, and the instruments start playing crazy (kind of like a Bermuda Triangle), so they are in fact pretty much up to themselves. It's only that they see it coming this time, and prepared backup to wait for them back in Oceania)
>> No. 71787
I love this fic so much. I hope you update soon.
>> No. 84321
>>64649
as we have seen in the show, the unicorns magic is very limited. ( it can't keep out one snow storm)
>> No. 84322
>>84321
I wouldn't be so sure.
Well, anyway, since this thread is back up front now -

Any chance for new info?
I hate to see a good story die.
>> No. 84323
File 132934674187.jpg - (83.15KB , 1280x1024 , 132882276390.jpg )
84323
>>84321
>Bump after two months for a random post by a random poster
BUT WHY.
>> No. 84325
>>84323
Because of reasons.
>> No. 84336
File 132934962838.png - (36.32KB , 201x196 , Screen Shot 2012-01-24 at 10_26_10 PM.png )
84336
>>84322
> I hate to see a good story die
> See a good story die
> Good story die
> Good story

mfw
>> No. 84340
File 132935039146.jpg - (13.50KB , 458x332 , 998kf.jpg )
84340
>>84336
You said what I didn't have the guts to.
>> No. 84362
Oh hi. Yes it updated. See http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2476/2/The-Border/Chapter2%3A-Teaching-and-Arrival

Thank you for calling Tech support. Have a nice day!
>> No. 84375
I have a hard time imagining most ponies would be more or less okay with just saying "to hell with humans" and being okay with this division. There'd be a huge mass of especially loving and caring ponies that would want to help humans with their problems. Not to mention that transportation spells, tunneling spells, and so on aren't that hard to do.

Even if you want to talk about, say, West and East Germany, it wasn't totally impossible for people to cross from one side to the other. And the broad mass of East Germans didn't care for the garbage that they had to put up with-- they knew the free, open society was better.

I mean, if this was my idea, I would say that there's some fundamental X factor in which they have to be separate for, say, their own safety. Suppose magic is like radiation-- it kills humans slowly. Suppose something about human diseases just kill ponies without recourse, and even magic can't stop it. Or something like that.
>> No. 84379
>>84340

I'm using my name this time. No regrets.
Can I speak honestly here? And I know I'm going to catch all kinds of shit for this, but whatever.
Human in Equestria fics are bad. Try not to take too much offense to this, but there are no two ways about it. This one is lukewarm, Conversion Bureau was God awful, and Aardun Leudd (if I even spelled that wtf-inducing name right) was just weird. Especially when the author started explaining to me that it was both a self-insert story and not a self-insert story when I asked him about effectively shipping himself with Luna.

Look guys; it wouldn't be so bad if all of these things weren't exactly the same, but they are.
Every.
Single.
One.
Here are the two scenarios:
1:
"What strange creatures these humans are!"
"Let's exploit the ponies!"
"Oh no, they have guns and internal structure problems!"
"Our world is being destroyed by war so we will expand into yours!"

2:
"HEY I'M A BRONY AND THIS IS MY CHARACTER WHO IS LIKE ME BECAUSE HE WATCHES ANIME AND REFERENCES VIDEO GAMES AND MEMES 20% MORE THAN OTHER OC'S OH GOD I'M SO FUNNY"

Seriously.
Make something different. Prove to me that there is a scrap of originality in this genre of fanfictions; I've seen more diversity in fan-made Sonic characters. It's depressing. It's like everyone is trying to turn these Conversion Bureau things into Realist (or Naturalist, to be more specific) novels about the problems of mankind and how it contrasts with ponies. Only, instead of being effective in this, they become overrun by half-assed "action", moments of out-of-place and unsubstantiated shipping, and "dark" elements that fall so flat I could feed them through my printer. If some aspiring William Faulkner would like to disprove my theory with a superior story dealing with the above topics, be my guest; but until then, "HiE" will remain as a killphrase for me.
>> No. 84381
>>84379

I'm surprised no one has flipped out over this.
>> No. 84385
File 132936119198.png - (69.27KB , 526x541 , 131110311354.png )
84385
>>84381
I'm not. Human in Equestria fics are almost always terrible and almost always in one of the two categories mentioned. If the fic is about humans in equestria, there has to be a reason that the story cannot work with ponies instead. Therefore, the human characters must be plot-centric, which leads directly to "humans are scum" or "Fluttershy is my waifu."
>> No. 84388
>>84379

Sounds like something you may wish to take to those authors, This is not a human main character story. Sorry you feel that way about HiE or PoE stories. Hope that you find other stories to read other then those.
>> No. 84389
>>84379

Sounds like something you may wish to take to those authors, This is not a human main character story. Sorry you feel that way about HiE or PoE stories. Hope that you find other stories to read other then those.
>> No. 84391
>>84379
Someone post this in the Conversion Bureau thread, stat.
>> No. 84393
>>84381
I would if I didn't agree with him for the most part.

Yeah, it really is mostly, "Humans destroyed the world, and they'll destroy Equestria"* or "Brony goes to Equestria, angst about how shitty Earth is, then becomes a pony or at the very least falls in love with a pony."

Its not that I mind humans being portrayed as destructive, I've seen a lot of media that does that and I'm fine with it. Thing is, usually those stories also have human protagonists and human side-characters to serve as a counter-argument to balance that out, whereas HiE stories don't, except for the token good human who talks about how perfect Equestria is.

It's not even that I mind that humans are generally the bad guy. Its just that the motivation is usually, "Evil!!!, Fuck Yeah!!"


That being said, I don't mind the concept of HiE at all, and I will continue to check out HiE fics (unless the misanthropy is apparent right in the summary or if its a brony) I just wish they didn't tend to be so misanthropic.
>> No. 84397
>>84379
I've given thought to a story where a pony lands on an Earth where MLP never existed, and then have her found by, well, a human (durr).
And then becomes his pet, since they don't speak the same language. Schenanigans ensue when he eats a hamburger.
Is that original enough for you?
>> No. 84401
>>84397
Minus the language part, sounds kind of like My Little Dashie.
>> No. 84403
>>84397
Minus the language part, sounds kind of like My Little Dashie.
>> No. 84406
>>84397
Minus the language part, sounds kind of like My Little Dashie.
>> No. 84410
Having posting problems, are we?
>> No. 84414
>>84401
That was an obvious brony one. I'm thinking it'd play out like E.T., but with ponies.
Besides, no one's done a story where the ponies were a pet. There's a few tumblrs like that, but no fics (although there was one where Luna caught a human and made her a pet. Pity it never was updated, since that was a fun idea).
>> No. 84417
>>84379
>>84393
Broadly speaking I also agree with this, but is it because HiE fics are bad as a concept, or is it a horrifying example of Sturgeon's Law in action? I think it's just the latter.

It's not like there hasn't been groan-inducing PoE fics or romance fics either, that doesn't mean romance or PoE are inherently bad ideas.
>> No. 84736
File 132941671333.png - (411.68KB , 840x523 , Hey You.png )
84736
Hey Cabal, I just want to remind you: I LIKE this story. I am having a GOOD TIME reading this story.
I think some fandoms have forgotten what that is.
Don't let the haters get you down.
>> No. 84754
File 132942067501.jpg - (62.94KB , 469x700 , sage_flower.jpg )
84754
>>84417
> is it because HiE fics are bad as a concept, or is it a horrifying example of Sturgeon's Law in action?

90% of everything is crap. But HiE ends up on the receiving end of an exceptionally large percentage of that 90%. There are some exceptions, some can be good. But HiE is one of those most basic universal fanfic ideas. The idea that something would be better if a character more like 'you' was added.

Self insertion/wish fulfillment is a very rickety starting point for any story. More so when you're working with other people's characters.

Saging not to bother Cabal's thread more then necessary.
>> No. 84891
>>84754
This seems like asking: "Are there more awful tasting apples or more awful tasting black elderberries in the world?"

The answer, obviously, is apples. That's because there's just more apples in terms of pure quantity.
>> No. 84994
>>84754

I haven't even introduced humans, and I'm not sure to classify this as HiE or PoE. Both share the world.
>> No. 84997
>>84994
HiEpPoEr?
Humans-in-Equestria-plus-Ponies-on-Earth?
I believe the pronunciation would be similar to "hyper".
>> No. 84999
>>84997

You get a cookie.
>> No. 85021
>>84999
Ion-Sturm doesn't eat cookies; they go straight to his thighs.
>> No. 85025
File 132945877186.gif - (2.35MB , 283x180 , 7030cbe0gw1diwcis4w8ug.gif )
85025
>>85021
If I don't keep my body in check, I can't take care of show-offs, after all.
>pic
>> No. 111607
Chapter 3 now available.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2476/3/The-Border/Chapter3%3A-Changing-of-the-Guard
>> No. 111614
File 134242039731.png - (339.46KB , 1629x952 , spoiler.png )
111614
>>111607
Woah, this still lives?
>> No. 111616
File 134242192527.jpg - (5.82KB , 320x180 , yesh.jpg )
111616
Yesh!
>> No. 122848
Chapter 4: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2476/4/The-Border/Chapter4%3A-The-Learning-Center
>> No. 122879
File 135088948315.gif - (1.00MB , 420x270 , tumblr_mc5zshczKY1qdlh1io1_500.gif )
122879
>> No. 126518
Chapter 5

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2476/5/the-border/chapter5-silver-arrow
>> No. 126520
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126520
>> No. 126521
File 136027122255.gif - (1.96MB , 400x221 , gCBwgdP.gif )
126521
>> No. 126523
File 136027286456.gif - (864.01KB , 500x281 , mrbean_wiggle.gif )
126523
>>126520
>> No. 126526
File 136027416670.gif - (273.19KB , 1366x768 , frontpage.gif )
126526
Aww yeah...

Front page!
>> No. 126534
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126534
Rebuild.
>> No. 127267
Chapter 6 now available.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2476/6/the-border/chapter6-coffee
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