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50865 No. 50865
Let's all pretend for a second like I'm important enough to have my own writing thread on /fic/. Since people complained, I'll start posting all my second drafts here for feedback, review, etc. from now on.

To start with, I'll use this opening post to introduce myself via what I've already done. Feel free to take a gander at any of these if you want to see where I've been. New stuff will happen in the replies.

Last note: I AM ALWAYS OPEN FOR FEEDBACK. I take feedback on completed stories (anything on EQD) and critique on anything that isn't completed. That's why I come here, after all.

[Comedy] Present Tense: http://goo.gl/dfhKP
When Twilight needs help translating a book, she gets caught up in the madcap antics of a lovesick pegasus. (Warning: Gratuitous author insert.)

[Normal] Testamintin': http://goo.gl/VeCRV
The last will and testament of Pinkie Pie's grandmother.

[Normal] Right Before Your Eye: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/06/story-right-before-your-eyes.html
It's hard being a one-eyed eye doctor when you've got a crush on a pony like Rarity.

[Random/Shipping] The Elements of Awesomery: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/07/story-elements-of-awesomery.html
When aliens and monsters attack their town, it's up to Wondercloud Lightningbolt and her friends to find the Elements of Awesomery and stop the invasion! Can they brave the dangers of the Everlame Forest and make it back before everypony's house explodes?
[Shipping] Honestly: Rainbow Dash is really bad at baking, but when it's the only thing she can think of to impress the pony she loves, she turns to a friend for help, and gets more than she bargained for.

[Sad] Pinkie Pie, and Nothing More: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/07/story-pinkie-pie-and-nothing-more.html
How could Pinkie Pie have forgotten her own birthday? When you've had birthdays like she has, maybe some are worth forgetting.

[Sad/Dark] Fluttershy Goes to Hell: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/08/story-fluttershy-goes-to-hell.html
After a terrible accident in the Everfree Forest, Twilight and company must face life without their shiest friend. But when a mysterious message arrives from Zecora, offering them hope of seeing her again, just what consequences await their attempts to bring her back from the dead?
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 50871
Nightmare Moon and Discord have found that together, they far more powerful than they were apart. They've defeated Celestia and conquered Equestria. But does their professional relationship have a hope of becoming something more? (Rated Grim for off-screen implications of bad things happening to good ponies. Also, no picture because there really isn't one that fits. Window dressing does not good fanfiction make.)


This should not be taken seriously! This is a goofy thing I wrote to be FIRST. (But I can't possibly be the first one doing this.) That's about all there is to it, really. If I can add 300 words in, I could even potentially submit it to EQD!
>> No. 50875

This is the greatest piece of fiction ever written by ponykind.
>> No. 50884
>Window dressing does not good fanfiction make.
>I saw such a large derail and trolling opportunity here that I had to smack my right hand.

As for the story, I'm no expert on this fic business, but that was like, weird as it gets dude... I mean, what the hay? Worse thing is that I... enjoyed reading it...

and I'm out before I say something stupid Hey, look, I failed at that already...
>> No. 50898
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>> No. 50931
Dude... we need your expertise.

>> No. 51215
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A brony named PinkPartyPony goes on an adventure in Manehattan with his best friend, Pinkie Pie. (Not Human in Equestria. Not Equestrian in Humania. Rated Grim for suggested suicide and general mental decay.)


So, uh... This is an experimental piece based off something a friend said to me one night. I unfortunately did not save the conversation, or I would include it.

I'm not even sure this qualifies as MLP fanfiction. The idea here was fandom commentary with an unreliable narrator, both of which are things I love. I think that's about it... I just don't know what to do with this, really. Let's see if the spoiler pic derps again.
>> No. 51217
>Let's see if the spoiler pic derps again.

>> No. 51234
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I approve of this story, mainly because I know a person who suffered something like that... fuck man, why does life have to be so hard on people who don't deserve that kind of shit?
>> No. 51454
Man, I really feel for that guy. And I have no idea; truth is, if my parents weren't so generous, I'd be in the same place myself right now.
>> No. 52945
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I absolutely loved it. I felt it was a bit to short, and the big reveal Of the whole thing actually being a dream in lunas mind came way to early, that would be resolved by making the fic a bit longer, perhaps some more banter between Discord and NMM, especially after he impregnates her As well Id love to see More post dream luna ponderings, and maybe a sequel, NMM x Luna in Lunas dreamland, or go for some wincest cele x luna ;) that final silliness aside, great story.
>> No. 53244
>> No. 55033
Doing the Nasty has been submitted to EQD!
>> No. 55373
And it's up! http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/story-doing-nasty.html
>> No. 55381
The link for No Jobs Tonight is no longer live, for reasons that will hopefully become highly apparent soon.
>> No. 68037
I feel like bumping this because I'm afraid it will fall off the board. D:

No Jobs Tonight is not going to be published. They changed the criteria for the anthology.

Doing the Nasty is being rewritten. Thanks to everyone who said the ending was crap, I finally figured out how to fix it. XD

Dance 'Til We're High is now a shipfic.

And for some actual content, check out what I wrote for the pre-reader panel this past BroNYCon: http://pastebin.com/EhfVBmpc

It was an exercise in purple prose that I turned up to 11. I am very proud of that sentence. :D Computer's been fixed so hopefully I will have something to show before the year is out. I really really hope so, anyway. x.x
>> No. 68278
As her friends find love one by one, Twilight Sparkle is feeling left out and unwanted. Will a trip to the annual Winter's Eve Ball be just the ticket for finding romance?


Holy shit, I finished something! Critique is welcome as always, specifically on these things:

1) character/dialogue/emotions

2) Is the ending foreshadowed well or does it come out of nowhere?

3) Does the ending even freaking make sense? Seriously, the penultimate scene is the one I'm most worried about. I've been working on this fic for months and this is where most of the issues have been.

For those of you who have read this previously, please check out the spoilers:

The first two-thirds of this are almost completely unchanged from the previous version I had on ponychan. But you see those tags? Yeah, just shipping, no sad. This is now a TwiDash shipfic. Well, prelude to shipping at least. I said I wasn't going to and then I did. Let me tell you why:

1) I can't write drama to save my life. All that emotional outpouring and whatnot going on in the kitchen? That was all bullshit. D: It sucked, so I got rid of it. Of course, there is still emotional outpouring, and I hope it is also not crap.

2) Twilight doesn't deserve it. Seriously, she's my second favorite pony. I don't want to write a story about her getting her heart broken by her idiot friend.

3) Perhaps most importantly, Dance 'Til We're High is NOT a sad song. It makes me feel uplifted. What in God's name am I doing writing a sadfic to a song I love that is not sad?

Anyway, the same list of critique criteria applies.

Thanks so much for reading!
>> No. 68281
Oh, gosh, I'm dumb. I totally left out the song link! Not necessary to understand the story, and I actually suggest not listening to it until afterward.

>> No. 68413

All done! Here ya go:

>> No. 68454
Many thanks, and all comments and rebuttals are on the document!

Although I guess if you want to respond to any, here would be the place. c.c
>> No. 68584
And Dance 'Til We're High is off to EQD!
>> No. 68795
Posted! http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/11/story-dance-til-were-high.html Thanks again, ponychan! :D
>> No. 69809
Oh wow, I missed this. Congrats on that.

I still have to read the new, new, new revision. But I'm sure it's just wonderful.
>> No. 69823
You're one of the people I wanted to hear from, so I look forward to finding out what you think! :D
>> No. 69850
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So, since you're expecting a response, I have a few points to make.

You made a fanfic that consists almost entirely of parings that I've grown to hate, full of events that are contrived and do nothing for the characters. But every character is in character, so it's still fine. I tend to disagree with the fandom as a whole most of the time, so I should be used to it by now.


You've probably seen these, but it seems notable to bring these things to light here.
Because I still don't think you went far enough. If you remember my original comments, I still want to see the story about Rarity coming to an understanding about Hoity Toity. Even if it's just to see if she still moves from Ponyville or not.

No mind rape in this version. A little bit of mind melding, but Twilight was kind of molesting people's minds in the Discord situation in canon, so it's perfectly viable. Fluttershy, while being there, doesn't leave much of an impression though; she's Big Mac's girlfriend, but that makes her seem like less of a character in comparison to the rest of the cast.

I wouldn't like to see Pinkie's relationships in detail. They seem complex and emotional, and the version that exists in the readers head is generally more complex then a writer could put to text eloquently. Also the continuation of the relationship between Twilight and Rainbow Dash, because again, readers being more complex then most authors could pull off.

So in closing: I hate everything about your fic conceptually. It's executed well and very emotional. Still think you should have broken Twilight more. Easy four stars. I'd still give it five though.
My spell checker choked on a few words, but nothing poignant enough to disturb the story's flow.
>> No. 70001
>I hate everything about your fic conceptually.
This is the best response ever. XD

You're right about Fluttershy. I think she had more of a role in my head/the early drafts and got slowly pushed out as I changed things.

I don't read TVTropes so I actually have no idea what those are or how to apply them. o.O Sorry.

I almost want to write a story about Pinkie's relationships, if only because I ended up really screwing her over and she doesn't deserve AND I WAS TRYING TO AVOID THAT WITH TWILIGHT AND LOOK WHAT I DID :(

And you... want to see more of Twilight and Dash? Or don't? I can't wrap my head around that bit of your response.
>> No. 70011
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>I don't read TVTropes so I actually have no idea what those are or how to apply them. o.O Sorry.
You don't have to worry about that, they're already in play here.
Break the Cutie: A series introduces a character as sweet and lovable, <...>they make you adore them, root for them and love them. Then the writers proceed to slowly torment them in front of your very eyes.
The Woobie: A woobie (named for a child's security blanket) is that character you want to give a big hug, wrap in a blanket and feed soup to when he or she suffers so very beautifully.

Twilight being the Woobie, the situation being Break the Cutie. So it works, it's just an easy way to refer to the situation.

>This is the best response ever. XD
But it's true!
Conceptually, it's a pile of things that I find horrible. ^^ Fluttershy/Big Mac where Big Mac is the driving force of the relationship and pushes Fluttershy to take action? Yup. Soren/Applejack with the side effect of chubbing up Applejack? It's in there. Rainbow Dash sublimating a long term attraction to Twilight with years of wild, meaningless sex? It's there too. Rarity/Hoity Toity? Lampshaded even when Twilight tries not to spout out 'But isn't he gay?' Fixation with being in relationships, soul shatteringly detailed emotional break down scenes, Rainbow Dash being a wonderbolt. There's almost too many things to be personally offended by. But as a whole, it works, because there's reasonable development to each of them.

>And you... want to see more of Twilight and Dash? Or don't? I can't wrap my head around that bit of your response.
I was trying to work out a list of things I didn't want to see. To be fair, it would be interesting to see their relationship from the outside, later on. But that kind of thing happens when my mind starts to wander.
I do wonder about Spike in this situation too, but I'm over thinking it slightly. Seeing Twilight in an over protective mothering mode would be fun. I'd like to see more of this Pinkie, especially after having been through multiple relationships, some good and some bad. She's just a more balanced character, even though she still has the capacity for zaniness at this point.

Overall, I do like this ending. It's still sweet, everything has a reason... Though I'm not sure if you noticed...
You kinda made Twilight gay. For her friends.
Which is probably the reason she wasn't looking for relationships. Rainbow Dash during the mind meld saw how much Twilight cared for them, and wanted to be worthy of that. I've got no problem with it, but it adds an extra layer of why everyone else pairing off and leaving Twilight would be upsetting her. Plus she never really thinks about the situation in that fashion, so she'd never come to that conclusion really.
>> No. 70097
>You kinda made Twilight gay. For her friends.
>Which is probably the reason she wasn't looking for relationships. Rainbow Dash during the mind meld saw how much Twilight cared for them, and wanted to be worthy of that. I've got no problem with it, but it adds an extra layer of why everyone else pairing off and leaving Twilight would be upsetting her. Plus she never really thinks about the situation in that fashion, so she'd never come to that conclusion really.

Fascinating analysis; I never would ha...

I mean


In all seriousness, I'm not sure I can even say that was done subconsciously, but your analysis mirrors something that's tickled my fancy for a while now: namely, someone came up with an analysis of the mane cast and decided that Twilight's greatest asset was an infinite capacity for love. I discovered this long after I started writing this fic -- though prior to the final draft -- so I'm not sure it actually seeped in.

Anyway, I actually put a lot of thought into Pinkie's relationships, but very little of that came through; it was mostly just so she wouldn't be left out of the "everypony gets a ship". She was even supposed to be dating Derpy at some point; I'm not sure what happened to that. I dunno if I'll explore her later, but... Well, I just might have to now, crap. c.c

And hey, if I can make you enjoy a story filled with concepts you hate, then I must be doin' something right. :3 Thanks a lot for all the feedback!
>> No. 74929
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When a new colt moves to Ponyville and Scootaloo begins acting strangely, Sweetie finds her friendship put to the ultimate test. Meanwhile, two ponies looking to start over find out just how far assumptions will get them.


I'm looking for quick reviews, I want to get this out before the next episode, which could potentially destroy it! @[email protected]

How much do I want to say about this? I find the stories of gay couples compelling, but I always end up writing for fandoms where same-sex relationships are (rightly) accepted, so it's tough to work out the struggles and explore modern-day issues in these fantasy settings. So I tried to improvise with this; it's less about acceptance and more about expectations. It also touches on another subject that I've always found compelling: fatherhood. I don't know why; I don't have any kids, but it's something I think about a lot, I suppose.

Also, it was inspired by a recipe. Because of that, I tried really hard to make this into an example of how to do OC-centric fics. At the very least, to make up some good characters from scratch. But I'm not the one judging that, of course, that's for all of y'all. :)

Also also, foals are fucking adorable, oh my god I had such a good time writing this. This is so my ticket to 6 star land! :V
>> No. 74930
Oh, and look what I got: http://nyuuchandiannepie.deviantart.com/art/Dance-Till-We-re-High-276471797

Someone commissioned this because they liked DTWH so much. :D I SO HAPI
>> No. 74955
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Trixie's email is in her trip in this post. She has accepted your request in the Training Grounds, and wishes to be able to comment.
>> No. 74964
Nevermind my post if you saw it in the TG; I've turned on comments.

Question: are you the same reviewer as The Great and Powerful!TrixieO06U? Just curious.
>> No. 75082
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Trixie has already started on your review. She copied the story to her own document to comment on.

And the Great and Powerful Trixie is from Manehatten, she has never heard of this "The Great and Powerful!TrixieO06U".
>> No. 75088
Who are you and why are you posting in my thread. :|

The review thread is this way, chum -- >>72536
>> No. 75090
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Trixie is done.

>> No. 75165
Thank you very much for the review! I'll take a look at this later today and get back to you if I have any questions. :)
>> No. 76516
And Whisk has been submitted! If Scootaloo has parents come Saturday, the story will be irreparably destroyed. :D Wish me luck!
>> No. 76598
It's up! http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/01/story-whisk.html
>> No. 84498
So before /fic/ comes crashing down around our ears, I thought I oughta update this one more time just in case.

You can now find my lesser works on fimfiction! I might also write blog posts there, ya never know.


What can you find there? Present Tense and Testamintin', for two. Also, the Zebra Manuscript: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10774/The-Zebra-Manuscript

You should check it out. Or even better, listen to me read it while you read along with the text! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eJDFF7V6ig

It's loads of fun! :D
>> No. 84507
>So before /fic/ comes crashing down around our ears, I thought I oughta update this one more time just in case.

>> No. 84642
Big things are afoot, little one.
>> No. 84718
Eyes and ears open, friend. :)
>> No. 84791
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*blink* How did I miss that one? Gaaahh...
Oh yeah, watched topics was down.

I really should be hammering away on 'The Quiet Place' but...

Two dads versus no dads huh? Interesting direction to take it at least.
Eccentric and crude did result in laughter, so points for that. Plus now I want to see your Bonbon and Lyra in action, aaannd I want to see if that story is continuity for Dance Till We're High too.

You are quite possibly the worst secret keeper ever.
>> No. 84802
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Except it's not a secret, since its been posted in /fic/ already.
>> No. 84918
Whisk, contiguous with DTWH? Could be. Could not be.

BTW, I'll let you in on a secret, since you're an awesome pony and always comment on my stuff: If I ever write a sequel to DTWH, everyone will hate it because they're not going to end up together. You heard it here first! But don't spread it around.
>> No. 84932
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As contestably the only pony who was against paring them I'm going to start whooping and hollering now. I know I have some confetti saved up around here for a special occasion.

But you don't even have to worry about that. Like I said, I'm okay with any story you feel like telling. Just be sure it's the one you want to tell. ^^
>> No. 89253
Six years ago, They came and everything changed. Major Hollow Point recounts the events leading up to now, when she and her squad are off on a last-ditch mission to try and restore hope to the Equestrian side.


Yes, a fimfic link! This was my entry in the fimfic February writeoff (didn't win D:), and my very first idea for a ponyfic ever. I'm somewhat pleased with how it's come out, but now is the time for making it BETTAR. Feedback and critique are welcome, nay demanded, as always.
>> No. 90823
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> What I mean to say is, I'm all that's left of her, and I ain't Apple Bloom no more.
You are a bad person and you should feel bad.[/sarcasm]

> I almost think the forest enjoys this; having all these ponies inside it means it's not lonely anymore,
See, your stories make me think of other stories, and that's why I like them as much as I do. For example: I like this idea, a lot. But you're currently in the middle of a different story, so that one is clearly more important, so this Everfree story isn't as in depth as it could be.
Which all adds up to a very rich universe built on my capacity to imagine, which I always find nice to have waiting.

Still, that's horrible that you've set up a situation in which the Elements of Harmony are put back into play in that situation. Then I feel bad because other people wont realize that's what you did. Then I feel worse because maybe I'm reading too much into it.

So yeah, now I'm worried I'm reading in too deeply on what you admit is your first story idea, grimdark as hell, and also includes the potential for Twilight/Night in a Capital class warship.
Seeing as with hope, eventually she'd go after Celestia and Luna.
Which as fanish as it is to say, would be bloody glorious.
>> No. 90849


>Still, that's horrible that you've set up a situation in which the Elements of Harmony are put back into play in that situation.
You're definitely reading into it, because I don't quite get what you mean. Care to elucidate?
>> No. 90858
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> You're definitely reading into it, because I don't quite get what you mean. Care to elucidate?
Yeah, kind of figured I was. I do tend to do that.

The Colonel gives up so much of herself as she puts her own mental well being on the backburner for everyone else's good. She's surrounded by death and keeps giving everything she can and then some.

Helter Shelter has gone through an entire never ending hopeless guerrilla war as a medic and retaining a soft emotional core.

Longshot is an excitable, fairly happy pegasus, who wisecracks in the face of her own fear.

Grand Scheme is a cunning strategist who cuts to the heart of matters, seeing beyond deception and misleading information.

Hollow Point is a ferociously unwavering ally, to the point she's willing to kill the traitor on sight, just in reaction to her betrayal earlier. She has utmost faith in her team.

Night retains magic and hope and friendship. Her meltdown was because she lost everything in her life, and had nothing to focus on when she kept getting her friends killed.

I hope you see what I did there.

Generosity - Kindness - Laughter - Honesty - Loyalty - Magic
>> No. 90895
Well, they are just archetypes, after all. :V

I take it you had nothing to suggest on this? <:B
>> No. 90898
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>I take it you had nothing to suggest on this? <:B

It's short, I enjoyed reading it, and it made my brain explode with ideas. It's technically my favorite type of story. It didn't tell me how it all ended, so I ended up creating one in my head already.
It's open ended so anything goes really, from 'everybody gets vaporized' to 'but the aliens cloned everypony instead of killing them'. It's colorful and descriptive, and pulls a fast one on the reader by making the obvious antagonist (the aliens) not the problem that ends up resolved by the story. And it does so in a fashion that in hindsight, that Hollow Point's combat focus is clearly making her more insane.

Plus, Twilight probably has come Kirk like universe re-writing epiphany, because the elements are found in ponykind or something, see also http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WorldOfCardboardSpeech

So nope, I've got nothing. It's favorited and everything.
>> No. 90964
Many thanks! :D Glad you enjoyed it.
>> No. 91027
Your TTG review is finished. It came out a little more curt than I had hoped.
>> No. 91083
Thanks, and thanks for letting me know here. :D
>> No. 92249
A day in the life of a brony named PinkPartyPony and his best friend, Pinkie Pie. Rated [Grim] for homelessness, mental illness and suicide.


It's back! I'm itching to get something out on EQD this month. If you want to comment on the document, drop your email and I'll allow you. Don't want to leave it open for any old commenter, now, do we? Anyway, the whole publication thing fell through, so I'm back to trying to get this up to snuff. It was a great thing to happen, though, because I ended up changing a major portion of this.
>> No. 92265
Booooooooo for closed-mindness. What, what makes you think that you're so special that you're unwilling to accept criticism from "less accomplished authors" as you have so labeled them in your previous posts? Seriously look back at what you've written and compare it to your average story on the training grounds. Is it more polished? Sure. Is it really that difference? Nope. A small matter of degree and not of kind.

And you feel so blasted entitled about EqD. It's as if you demand that they give your material good placement, just because of your high and mighty attitude. You don't act like you need to make a good story, and then give it to an audience. Nope, you feel entitled to an audience, and if people don't like your stuff then you don't like them. Honestly, it's people like you that's why I barely ever visit EqD. It's nothing more than vain, over-entitled authors that rain hate upon those that dislike their special snowflakes.

It's bad enough to read through your obnoxious and condescending attitude to new authors or other authors trying to improve, with you being so biting, insulting, and unfairly critical. Really, what makes you think that you're so entitled?

You seriously need to sit back, read through your latest story there, and think about what you are as an author and a human being versus this image slash ponysona that you've created.

>> No. 92270
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It is with the utmost respect and courtesy that I say: what in the good Lord's holy name are you on?
>> No. 92272
I believe you are looking too deeply into his comment. He's simply stating that to gain access, you need to E-mail him. He's not leaving it open for a random anon (like yourself) who holds a grudge to dump innane comments on his work and cause it to crash (its happened before. Just ask the MST group).

And from the tone of your comment, I could say much the same for you and your apparent disdain for EqD, which you expressed with great, over-arching generalizations and thinly-veiled (and in some cases, not-veiled-at-all) insults.
>> No. 92277
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Please be nice.
>> No. 92298
Why would you write that? I... eugh...

It didn't work, for the fundamental reason that the reader must identify with the protagonist's struggle. For that to happen, the struggle must be presented clearly, no matter what tricks you play with stream-of-consciousness or psychosis.

I wasn't sure if I was being mocked (despite that "love and tolerance" mantra, I can't see the average brony taking this concept in stride. "This author is saying bronies are crazy bums!") or if I'm just supposed to like this guy because he's in rough shape, i.e. a sympathy sue.

On top of that, you try to retrospectively tell through a viewpoint that isn't well suited for it. This might work instead: Try putting your narrator right in the moment, say, PPP trying to get a milk shake and a place to Plug In. Show a lot of detail through his eyes, instead of plans and interpretation. The order of revelation must be 1) homeless guy suffering psychosis, 2) who's also a ponyfan.

But I don't see this playing well for a general audience. Bronydom is bigger now and has developed a precious widdle ego now that it's not all *chan folk...
>> No. 92335
Thank you, Fluttermod. <3

It definitely won't go over well with a wide audience, but I'm beyond caring about that at this point.

As to your criticisms, I'm kind of not following, apart from needing to start in medias res, which is not a bad idea at all. The order of revelation is something I'll keep in mind. What did you mean by 'being mocked', though? I'm just not understanding what you're getting at with the first three paragraphs.
>> No. 92458

I've read the occasional story by someone self-consciously "definitely not a brony," and that's the impression I got: a visceral suspicion that the story was written as a Take That directed at my people.

I'm sure that wasn't your intention (you're one of us (TM) after all), but it's how it struck me.
>> No. 92463

Not intentional, I assure you. I'm not above mocking the fandom, but I certainly don't think we're all crazy bums. :V Given the conversation I've had elsewhere about this story tonight, this is enlightening. Many thanks for your feedback.
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