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No. 50940
New Story. The idea came to me so strongly I just had to begin writing it right away. Prologue and first chapter. Really short, but it should pick up soon. Mild Grimdark warning. Not horror, but tragedy. Also shipping. I think the links should work.

It should be obvious what this fic is based off now. But I'm hoping to do a little messing around with it still to make it interesting.

Prologue - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Q04-1YCN_X1ozS47pplXgq9N1SPWKUZUyzmJQlckqtc/edit?hl=en_US

Alpha - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bKxRuJtj4J4ctEnUWiuqTWj8UO_VhGbMsUDnDCIkUUA/edit?hl=en_US
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 50968
>>50940
To think, I was going to try to go to bed early tonight.

I suppose I’m obligated to mention something about posting in a review thread. In general, posting just a thread on its own will get your fic mostly ignored.

Now for why I decided to review this

$ If you are going to do anything with equations, use Latex. There are free editors everywhere and it looks much nicer than Word type stuff. Once you get the hang of it, it makes typing the math way faster.

Here’s the Latex document of your fic. Look at the equation
https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B70YU2c6VcJ3ZDZhNDZjOTYtZjFjNC00MGM0LTk5MGYtMjYwYmY4M
2NmNTY3&hl=en

This took less than ten minutes for me to make and most of that was formatting to make the paragraphing and quotations correct. The equation took thirty seconds, maybe a minute. Plus, the equation looks way nicer now.

I haven’t had a chance to try to derive the equation, but I’m guessing that it is unfourtunately complete BS. It does have 2*pi though, which is promising considering it supposed to be about rotation. Anyway, don’t use i and capital sigma in the equation. They each have meanings that are commonly used (i as a complex number. Capital sigma subscript s would be summation over s) which make absolutely no sense with the half on the left. I replaced them with iota and epsilon subscript s, which don’t have such associations. $

Also,
>the number of epicycles
Mephistopheles is supposed to be all knowing and isn’t even Copernican? Come on now :P
>> No. 50971
And since you would probably be pretty unhappy with me if I only commented on the math Why can’t that ever be what they want?! here’s a review of the rest of it.

Prologue seemed pretty well done as an introduction. It is mostly unattributed lines of dialogue and I can see why you did this, but some readers may have trouble following. You may want to consider giving some type of characterisation between the two so you can occasionally differentiate between them and show who is speaking within the dialogue. One option would be descriptions of their voices, eg. a gruff voice versus a mild one, or something like that.

Alpha is generally pretty engaging. The intro paragraph is rather generic; consider entering straight into the library.
You do a good job setting up the premise for the story. You may want to have Twilight be more despondent than angry, but that’s mostly nitpicking.
However, for the part with Mephistopheles, it seems fairly unlikely that if he is offering a solution to her problems, she would immediately balk at him not being there. Perhaps, Twilight can ask him to come teach her and he can manifest that way.
Also, you may want to consider having Mephistopheles exit at the end, eg fading out the way he entered. Ending with just dialogue doesn’t do much with the drama you’ve set up.

Overall, I like the idea and I’d like to see more.

Next for tone and phrasing.

The prologue is well done in this department. Only two things, here so well done.
>How could you all disagree with me?
In the introduction, you mention only two beings arguing, so drop the ‘all’.

>“Indeed.”
>“She is kind
Here, (presumably) the same being keeps talking, but you still start a new line afterward. Generally the assumption is that the speakers alternate, so you would want to either indicate that the speaker is continuing or combine the two lines.

Onto Alpha

I think you use ellipses in a way that they aren’t intended to be. Generally ellipses indicate a slow trailing off of speech and imply a deeper emotional connotation to the speech. You do this correctly here.
>"Twilight..." said Spike again.
However, you seem to use them whenever a character pauses unnaturally during a conversation.
>You've got to get over this...this...whatever
This sentence by Spike is likely him searching for the right word to use and would more likely be considered something akin to a stutter than a slower trailing off by an ellipsis. I would punctuate this as
>You’ve got to get over this- this- whatever
Other places where I’d suggest using a dash instead of an ellipsis:
>"I...I don't understand Twilight
>“I-I don’t understand, Twilight
>"I...if you think that Twilight
>“I-If you think that, Twilight
There are some places where a comma would work better:
>"Spike...you've been with me all this time.
>Well...uh. I don't know."
There’s one other place where I would just omit the initial segment of the sentence.
>can tell me. And...if not
>can tell me. If not
or if you desperately want to include a pause there
>can tell me.” Spike paused for a moment. “If not
Also, for future reference, ellipses should always be followed by a space. ‘Well... uh’ instead of ‘Well...uh’.

>Twilight growled in frustration, but rolled over
‘But’ is generally used when there is something contradictory about the next part. ‘And’ sounds better in this case.
>Twilight growled in frustration and rolled over

Characterization in the first part is accurate. Spike seems to mention Twilight’s name unnecessarily, so you may want to cut a few out.

>Tell me instead, why do
The ‘Tell me instead’ sounds overly formal. The question flows fine without it.
>Why do

>offered Spike. Twilight just scoffed.
I’d take the ‘Twilight just scoffed.’ into the next paragraph, since Twilight is speaking in that section.

>She had never felt so miserable in her life. And utterly alone.
I see what you’re trying to do here, but the structure of the sentence breaks it. Combining it into one sentence, ‘She had never felt so miserable in her life and utterly alone’ sounds off, so it’s not going to work as two sentences with a full stop.
>She had never felt so miserable and utterly alone in her life.

You may want to add a bit more emotional description to set the scene. The fast pacing works for me at least, however, you saw how much of this I spent on the equation, so take my perspective on emotional detail with that in mind but more description could add darker overtones and make the turmoil more relatable. Right now, you just say what she is feeling rather than showing it.

> “W-who are you? Where are you?”
>I am.
‘I am’ really isn’t an appropriate response to these questions. It’s possible you forgot a word (that’s what the sentence looks like now), but if you want him to respond in that kind existential manner, you’d be better off using some prefacing contradictory statement.
>I am not where. I just am.

>She tried to make sense of the symbols, but though some were familiar, she had no
Having this as a compound sentence is really unnecessary and makes it a bit awkward and the ‘but’ and ‘though’ have identical contradictory function.
>She tried to make sense of the symbols. Though some were familiar, she had no

Onto mechanical errors, also known as I proofread for you.
In general, your spelling and grammar are near impeccable. You seem to have a few errors with punctuation though.

Prologue

>Please, understand the dangers
Missing left quotation mark

> all the sciences, her mind has absorbed all there is, she is the perfect
Comma splices. Even though it is within dialogue, I would make them periods.
>all the sciences. Her mind has absorbed all there is. She is the perfect

>If not her, than no one
‘Than’ is the comparison, eg larger than. ‘Then’ is the relation in time and so is used with ‘if’.
>If not her, then no one

>“Spike you just don’t
Declarative phrases like this generally use a comma.
>“Spike, you just don’t

>and Spike waiting for her to speak.
Conjunctions used this way should connect independent clauses, ie each part of the connected sentence should stand on its own. ‘Spike waiting for her to speak’ does not stand on its own, so you should drop the ‘and’.

>There's no understand, not
Forgot the gerund
>There’s no understanding, not

>“H-hello?” Said Twilight
You do this correctly in a few places, but when you end a quotation in a question mark or exclamation mark instead of a comma, you still capitalize the attribution of dialogue like you used a comma.
>“H-hello?” said Twilight
Same thing here
>"What's your name?" Asked Twilight

>“Why can’t I see you.”
Missed a question mark

>But this was her chance, and she tried her
You don’t need the comma right before the conjunction in this case. Also, consider dropping the ‘But’ off the front. It comes off as awkward during narration and should only be used to create a dramatic effect.
>This was her chance and she tried her
>Twilight's eyes, and slowly it
Same as above
>Twilight's eyes and slowly it

>eventually Twilight was looking
There seems to be a pause after eventually.
>eventually, Twilight was looking

>a unicorn, like herself, male, with a white coat and bright yellow eyes, with a mane and tail to match.
Consider breaking this up into shorter sentences and trying to use more evocative description.

>visible, and was merely
>visible and was merely

>horrible nervous.
Horribly is the adverb you are looking for.
>horribly nervous.

>Do with it what you want, I have faith in you and your species.”
Comma splice again. It’s in dialogue, but the period would separate the statement for dramatic effect a bit better.
>Do with it what you want. I have faith in you and your species.”

Overall, you write well, much better than a lot of the other writers I see
Keep writing. I would like to see more of this.
>> No. 51034
First, let me say I'm not here to get reviewers to look at my thing. I'm happy if they want to, but my main motivation for posting in /fic/ is because this is a high traffic place, so it's as good a place as any to throw fics up. It's here if people want to read it, I'm happy to see reviewers read it, but I'm not here *to* get reviews, more than I am here to simply have a thread for the story so I can link people if they are interested in reading or talking about it. But anyway, onto what you said.

The Latex document won't let me view it. Though now that you mention it, I should have used something else to make the equation look nicer. I think I'll make an image and put it in instead of typing it out. That'll take some time, so I'll do that later.

I spent like an hour working on that equation. It (should) work, but let me point out now it won't predict anything in our universe. A conceit of this story is that the pony universe runs by Aristotelian laws. Well, Aristotelian, modified by Ptolemic astronomy and Western Alchemical and Taoist ideas. The science is nothing like what we have here. Which is why Mephistopheles "isn't even Copernican." For the pony universe in this story, Copernicus is not at all correct. The sun and planets really do orbit the Earth embedded in Crystaline spheres.

In that same way, these symbols don't mean the same things that they do in our world, because nothing in our world actually applies to the ponies. I tried to make them slightly similar though.

So in the epilogue I intentionally added no details. Because I wanted to make it clear there weren't any. I hesitated to even put in the "if he could sigh, he would have" line. They don't have voices, or bodies, or tones. They just speak. There is nothing visible around them either.

I originally wanted to open up with just dialogue, but I do that in pretty much every story I've ever written, I wanted to try something different for once. Plus, I have a plan to add some symmetry with that first paragraph.

I'm keeping the "all," because I meant for it to imply that The One is representative of a greater opinion held by many others. Others who aren't there but are known to Mephistopheles (in the prologue referred to as "The Other").

Fixed the "Indeed" thing.

Ellipses are also used to indicate a pause in speech. In this way they have an overlapping function with dashes. This is an acceptable use for them, so I'm not going to remove them. I'm not actually sure if I need to add spaces after them though. I looked it up because I couldn't remember, and found a thousand different ways I'm supposed to format them, from putting spaces in between each dot, to putting spaces both before and after, to putting spaces between everything, etc. I do not find anything telling me to put them only after, but with the amount of crazyness with them, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody, somewhere said that. I am thus leaning towards changing nothing with them, but I'm going to go ahead and do what you suggest.

The "but" after growling is meant to show contradictory nature, the growling indicating that Twilight seems to merely want to show she isn't inclined to do anything Spike says, but,she positions herself to do so anyway.

I removed several Twilights, as you were correct I think.

"Tell me," and "Tell me instead," are there to be formal, in an inquisitive and scientific, teacherly kind of way. It's to show that Twilight has gone onto her soapbox more than anything.

Reworded the utterly alone thing. It's still two sentences.

Show don't tell is not universal. I simply don't care to show. That would waste time, after all, she's just lying in the bed, and she's already spend time staring off into nothingness and not bothering to look at what's around her. To further show would require me to make Twilight do even more nothing, and I want to get past that.

I'm leaving the "I am" as it is. The entire thing answers the first question. Who is he? First off, he is. Secondly, since that's confusing and he understands this, he says he could be called a knowledge spirit, and he elaborates on why he's there and whatnot which is to show his character, another subset of who he is. "I am not where" wouldn't fit because he does describe where he is later.

Changed the but, though.

Fixed all the punctuation errors you pointed out, with the except of two commas which I felt put appropriate pauses in the reading.
>> No. 51036
Considering you are a particularly prolific writer, wouldn't you consider making your own thread?

After all, that way we can see your previous work, watch a single thread for new updates and all in all have less threads just floating about.

Just a kind suggestion.

Will get to reading after work.
>> No. 51053
>>51036

I may have a few stories under my belt, but I'm slow to write them. For example, The Carousel Boutique Expansion Project thread is already dead. It fell off the board because it's been so long since anybody posted in it.

I fear if I had a catch-all thread, it'd just die in the gaps between stories.
>> No. 51056
>>51053
But you finished that one, plus, Squeak and Slywit are well known here, use their threads and seemingly update every other full galatic orbit.

By the sheer nature of this place, being diffused doesn't help get attention, but people will do so if it's all in one place (I know I would, I was the guy screaming at perfect for having a thousand threads).

So please do consider it.
>> No. 51068
New chapter. I think this is the end of short chapters.

Beta - https://docs.google.com/document/d/15kqb4LnZJhDLszMFknirlYVfi4UwAot3lhSwq9R2Oyg/edit?hl=en_US

>>51056

Maybe after this one then. Next time I write a story I'll just make a catch all thread and have it there.
>> No. 51167
>>51034
Latex document is open. The link was just too long to be clickable. Here's a shorter one.
http://tinyurl.com/3dx23eo
Also, you are welcome to do what you like with the file. I corrected the equation to avoid the conflict with standard notation as I mentioned, but it doesn't contain any of the corrections from the actual review. Hopefully you find it useful.

I'd definitely be interested in hearing what you have in mind for the science of Equestria and how the equation works. I don't want to clutter up your thread, but my email is there with the tripcode if you'd be interested in sending some explanation along.

The Copernican bit was a joke btw.

Also, I read through the next chapter. I'm not going to do a full review like the previous one, but I thought it was overall well done.
One thing I noticed, I think ellipses are a valid form of punctuation to end dialogue with, so you don't need to add an extra period or comma afterward.

I'm not sure if the orbital type things for silver are supposed to be superscripts just a carat operator, but I still stick to my Latex recommendation for any written in mathematics.

I'll be looking forward to future chapters.
>> No. 51232
Update. You can tell how into this story I am since I'm coming out with updates pretty fast, lol.

Gamma - https://docs.google.com/document/d/10B7czIHWFQkkdQXJLR9z6tBKvy3QXlHOXKpjT_zWaKA/edit?hl=en_US

>>51167

I'm not actually sure what's going to be explained in great detail in the fic and what's not. I plan for this to be hard sci-fi, so there is going to be a lot of just talking about such-and-such, but yeah, don't know what's going to be gone into in depth.

So I can elaborate on the equation if you'd like. Though I guess one can consider them semi-spoilers.

As was said, M-subscript-e refers to the Mass of the elements. Everything is composed of four elements, Fire, Air, Water, Earth, in different combinations. Each one has its own distinct properties which combine to form what we would call "mass," as separate from weight. Pure Water (the atom, as pure water doesn't exist in nature) is most massive, followed by Earth, Air and Fire. So M is mass, supscript-e is to show we mean of the Elements, which is where the e comes from.

As stated, Phi refers to Xi flow frequency. Xi flows throughout the universe, and all matter follows flows. The higher the frequency, the stronger the flow. Think of it like a river. The more water in the river, the more things will be swept along by it. So M-subscript-e multiplied by the Xi flow frequency gives us our weight.

This is added to Speed divided by Time, multiplied by omega, which here represents a sort of modified Angular Velocity variable which takes into account epicycles. In practice Omega wouldn't be there, but instead a number depending on number of epicycles.

This will be equal to 2pi radians, multiplied by H which represents....

Ugh, you know, I've kind of forgotten. I swear everything had a meaning but I didn't write it down, I just sort of sat down and figured out something and then wrote the paragraph. I can no longer really figured out anything other than I meant for i to represent something akin to moment of inertia, and the capital Sigma to be the class of atoms who's natural tendency moves up (which would be Fire and Air atoms).

Sorry, I just forgot what I was talking about over the night, but I swear I had something!

Oh, and when Twilight speaks of silver, she's talking about the number of particular atoms in it. 12 to the fourth power water atoms encircled by so on and so on. Their arrangement is something like electron shells, with the primary element in the centre with the other atoms going outward in the order of Fire Earth Water and Air (most of the time, an element in a state of flux or otherwise unstable will have its shells arranged the other way, Air Water Earth Fire.) If I could, I wouldn't have used the letters "f" "e" "w" and "a" but instead the classical symbols for these elements, but ah well.
>> No. 51392
>>51232
If my focus on the math and science bothers you, let me know and I'll delete it. However, considering physics with new axioms is extremely interesting to me. I know one of the main reason I'm writing one of my fics is that the equations behind the physics end up working out really well.

Onto the dimensional analysis. One of the easiest ways to understand if an equation is giving something legitimate is by looking at units.

>So M-subscript-e multiplied by the Xi flow frequency gives us our weight
Weight is a force, so in basic units it is mass*distance/time^2. M_e is mass, and frequency is cycles/sec with cycles a dummy unit, so if we consider Xi flow as a velocity, this works.

>Speed divided by Time, multiplied by omega,
Speed is distance/time, so divided by time, this is distance/time^2. Since two things added together should have the same units, we get that omega should have units of mass...

As for the right side, radians are a dummy unit so they have no effect.
>i to represent something akin to moment of inertia, and the capital Sigma to be the class of atoms who's natural tendency moves up
Moment of inertia has units mass*distance^2, and I would assume the class of atoms would have something to do with mass, so to get the same units on both sides, we would need HL (and any misunderstanding of SigmaI still prefer to have this as epsilon) to have units 1/(mass*distance*time^2) so perhaps H is an acceleration (distance/time^2) and L is an inverse moment of inertia (1/mass*distance^2)

I'm not sure if this was anything you considered, but hopefully this is at least interesting to you.

Also, I read gamma. There's no math for me to bug you about *sigh* :P, but I did enjoy it and hope you keep writing. Twilight's getting to be a bit of a megalomaniac though
>> No. 51473
>>51392

Well let me speak about all that.

I'm no physicist, and I'm terrible at maths, and it's even harder when I have to write "Mephistopheles" with an equation. :P

If you can think of a better one, I'll totally use it.
>> No. 51487
>>51473
If you use the units I mentioned, it works conceptually as an equation and I'm guessing I'll probably be about the only person that cares how it works. I was very impressed by the intuition you had with the first term working out to be weight.

If you have a particular quantity that you'd like to solve for, I'd be happy to give it a shot. I admit, equations aren't the best medium for getting a name across
>> No. 51617
Delta - https://docs.google.com/document/d/10O8on4jk7J3texyqxfT4Aoo1Of60PQ30tDImGr94FnU/edit?hl=en_US


So do I only have one reader, lol? Just wondering.
>> No. 51621
No, I assure you, you have another reader, I just don't have much to say.
>> No. 51627
I read this, i have great intrest in this.
>> No. 52191
Update

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10r6iniqqrF2GRwOntARcrbYlSW__w8ad90zgHbUn69Q/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 52488
Pretty sure Celestia fears what she knows now and lol morse code. Are you gonna try for 24 chapters up to Omega?

Twilight needs to show her knowledge/skills with some powerful magic beyond any normal unicorns grasp.
>> No. 52777
>>52488

I don't outline things, I have the idea for what's going to happen at the end, so I work towards that, but I don't have things pre-divided into chapters. So I don't know if it'll happen to make it to Omega. I'm more worried that I'll end up further.
>> No. 53607
Update. I don't know, I feel this is the weakest chapter so far, but ah well.

Zeta - https://docs.google.com/document/d/11eWQQAnKzNNO2QIQF2Z1jhKwweNQaLR_ElD7GbVZK5M/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 55482
Update. Next chapter, Discord.


Eta - https://docs.google.com/document/d/131gIdk1F1ycz7vkCd5W-E9OizP7Q6tRcDKkaYyq1GVI/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 55818
Question for those reading.

A few people on EqD seem to dislike the "technical" details. I hear people saying they don't understand, or they just don't like the "technobabble."

What do the people here think? Is it annoying or frustrating, and if so, why?
>> No. 55908
>>55818
I actually really enjoy the "techno-babble" as such, the fic is labelled hard sci-fi so that's kinda what I was expecting but I think it's not just there pointlessly. To have a Twilight who now knows close to everything, well, of course she's going to talk about some of the stuff, plus, I'm loving the whole kind of alternate physics you've come up with for Equestria. :)
Just don't forget the story under explanation of details.
>> No. 58076
I know it's been a while on updates.

Quick explanation. I've been very busy lately. Two of my friends no longer have cars, but of course still need to get places so I spend a lot of time with them driving them around. Also I'm preparing to finally sit down and write an original fiction novel, and that has priority over fanfic. Coupled with the stuff I normally have to do, I have hardly any free time to write fic.

Bare with me, and I'll update as quick as I can.
>> No. 61527
Update finally. Still not with a steady state of free time but I think things will calm down after this week.

Theta - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u2MFizGbus4EHH0HxJHXVksDZOo0JYYofKfpxgPARgU/edit
>> No. 63788
Iota - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sLFIJRL_NrlPbbFqrEh2I-fmK4mvdpIbgV47Y7sy3eE/edit
>> No. 64048
>>63788

Sounds like Celestia is gonna tear her a new one soon.
>> No. 77179
Update

Kappa - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r_Bw-n0k1XWSpxYVCQRzpQ1JrdpGeF772AbZ_FyjR8k/edit?hl=en_US


I'm taking a break until the episode Read it and Weep airs. Both because school's coming soon and I have other writing projects that need some love, and because I'm interested in the ramifications some of the more recent, and future episodes have and want to spend some time thinking about new directions the fic can take due to them.
>> No. 77315
Apparently Kappa was broken. Fixed now.
>> No. 89953
Sorry about the long wait.

Lambda - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cfl6jEJPtaieuBhfxOIb16HroVaXRP8GsUeI6uSD64k/edit
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