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68552 No. 68552
So seeing that there are several other threads that are based purely about one's own fic, it won't kill me to make one of my own; this fic is both Grimdark and Shipping, as well as Adventure.


The link to the fic itself is over here, at https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1zC1Gv0NHeaNWEwYjllNDYtNDQ3OC00Y2VlLWI2ZDAtMWNkNTRjNjFlYTA0&hl=en_US

I have already emailed it to EqD a few edits ago, to receive this response.


>Second paragraph, use of the phrase "she saw" a whole lot. Plus, she saw nothing but blackness, and violet? That makes no sense.

Fixed. The word "themes" somehow left my fic, so it sounded like she saw only blackness, but also saw violet.

>"shenoted": two words

A miswrite in the final edit as I remade the entire first three paragraphs, mostly due to the fact the very structure made no grammatical sense. So I had to reword it all. Fixed.

>Make sure to put new speakers on their own line.

An error I made in three or so paragraphs. This has been after a double-check fixed.

>I am intrigued by the take on the Elements here; that the bearers can draw upon the experiences of previous bearers, as I read it. I would argue that Laughter is more powerful than Honesty, unless they're referring to the actual ponies, in which case... yeah.

Here, I had forgotten to bold out the fact that they are taking their conclusions from outdated sources that last centuries. The two recent sources that indicated the defeat of Nightmare Moon and Discord have been undescriptive, and has left them believing that the six ponies were the same as the ones before them.

I had tried to make it more clear, however I am not sure as to how successful I was with this. If anyone has any suggestions on how to reword, please advice. Thank you!

>It's "pegasi" and should never be capitalized, ignore spellcheck.

Listened to silly spellcheck and renamed "pegasi" to "Pegasai". The issue is corrected.

>A wolf? We've never even seen regular wolves in the show, so this will need some context and description.

No excuses here. Complete and utter mistake by me; I had completely forgotten to write down descriptions of several less-obvious characters (i.e., the barman, the wolf, and several others), however it has been fixed. I am not completely certain that it is enough, but I striked this out anyway.

>And unfortunately, this will need the assistance of a patient editor, as the author even says English isn't their first language. I don't know what it is, the prologue was more or less fine, but this first chapter, most of the narration and practically all of the dialogue is so unnatural-sounding as to be thoroughly incomprehensible.

This is what I'm asking help about. Not the plot, not the description, nothing really (however it is nevertheless accepted! But it isn't what I'm focusing on here, just pointing this out!). The main problem was this; I had read the entire fic five times over since the second this email arrived, editing, trying to elaborate, rewording wherever I can, and began reading other fics to get an idea about what the pre-reader is talking about.

Unfortunately, I honestly doubt I had fixed all the errors -- if any, actually. So please, try to point out and/or advice where are the errors, and how may I fix them!

>That said, this is doing pretty well with things like world-building and atmosphere.

That was at least a relief to hear. I added a bit more in the last two edits anyway, because I nevertheless saw some sections were lacking. I think this comment was merely the prereader's own kindness.

>If the prince stopped listening, then her dialogue shouldn't fade out like that. It suggests that she's getting quieter, and I know that ain't Fluttershy.

This was referring to this sentence;
>The unicorn nodded understandingly. “Very well, however you see, I have come a great journey to
speak with you, for you are—”

Formerly, it had around seven other words, however they became smaller and smaller with each one, to indicate as though the sound is fading away from the prince's attention. However, this could be mistaken as her going quieter, so I had fixed it accordingly.


>Nice twist at the end.

At least that went well.

>To sum up:

>This has a lot of potential, and I'm intrigued by the fantasy post-apocalyptic setting, but it needs work before it's postable. It's also difficult to get a sense for things like characterization when it's so hard to understand what characters are saying. I recommend going to ponychan and asking for help with editing, from a patient native speaker. Watch for whitespace formatting issues. I am also confused by the presence of a wolf and wonder if he isn't supposed to be a Diamond Dog.


This, as I am about to hit New Thread, is probably going to be huge in comparison to all those small little ones I'm seeing everywhere.

Here we go.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 68554
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68554
>>68552
>I am intrigued by the take on the Elements here; that the bearers can draw upon the experiences of previous bearers,

Actually, after reading that again with my head straight, I realize that the prereader meant that the current elements (i.e., Applejack, Pinkie Pie, co) can draw upon the experiences of previous bearers. I am not sure at all how do I make it clear to the readers that they are simply using outdated information. I actually used that "thousands of years" thing to point out that the information is sorely outdated, but it appears to have only endorsed the idea that the information is up-to-date.
>> No. 68555
Thank you for including tags, and including previous readers' comments is nice, but an ideal OP would also include a synopsis, preferably above the break.
>> No. 68556
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68556
>>68555
Yeah, that's the first thing that made me cry out "shit" as I hit New Thread.

I'll throw you the description I gave to Equestria Daily!


After an inexplicable explosion rips apart the Everfree Forest, the Sun that blessed Equestria and its neighboring kingdoms and city-states has been evaporated as Celestia was caught in the strange explosion -- few people remain upon the Earth to ponder if it was mere convenience, or what was the royal army doing near the forest. A unicorn, a griffin, and several uncanny companions begin an epic journey to ask, answer, and cheat the question through will, loyalty, and pure luck; what happened to Equestria?
>> No. 68646
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68646
>>68556
...
Nice save.
*Goes back to lurking in the shadows for a story without a synopsis*

Seriously though, I can see where the native speaker thing comes up. To tell the truth, I've given though to my own story pretty much along these lines (Forever Free), so I find myself disinclined to be of help since it might ruin the slim chance of me ever writing my version >_>.
>> No. 114864
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>> No. 114879
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>> No. 114881
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114881
>>114879
Why did you bump this...?
>> No. 114883
>>114881
Note the 'sage' in my post sturm.

As to why it was bumped-
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/chat/res/40054630.html#40055595
>> No. 114886
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>> No. 114891
>>114883
...Wow.
>> No. 114907
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114907
>> No. 114909
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114909
For a man who left the world a better place than how he found it.
>> No. 114910
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>> No. 114923
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>> No. 114931
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>> No. 114932
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114932
Since everybody else is doing it, I must be different. I give you the official US Army Drill Sergeant Salute.
>> No. 114938
>>114883
Ah.
So that's what he meant when he told me he was "going to die". I always figured he was being deployed (since his job was in the military or something) or that it was figurative.

Strange to have an inkling of it beforehand.
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