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70737 No. 70737
Please note: this isn’t a standard review thread. It’s not for entire fics, and anyone may feel free to chime in.

While we have many lovely review threads here, I’ve noticed that the fic synopsis is often overlooked (unless it’s been left out entirely, which does draw attention). The synopsis is one of the most important parts of a story, as it can determine whether or not the reader reads anything more. So, here’s a mini-review thread. Post tags and synopsis for your fic, and someone will tell you what you’ve done right and wrong.

My admittedly inexpert advice for synopses:
-Proofread. Proofread the buck out of your synopsis. If I see spelling or grammar errors, that doesn’t bode well for the fic proper.
-Keep it short. A few sentences should be enough. Don’t try to fit a whole chapter it there.
-Avoid rhetorical questions. This one’s more debatable, but I feel that rhetorical questions weaken synopses in the same way they weaken stories.
-Avoid parentheses, for the same reasons as above.

To start off, here are synopses for a couple of my stories. (Both of these are based on obscure indie RPGs. I’ve got other stuff in the pipeline, but these two are my focus right now. So hipster.) Please tell me what you think.

My Blissful Pony: Friendship is Giant Robots
[Dark] [Sci-Fi] [Crossover] [Sad] [Shipping]
Nightmare Moon has returned. Everypony over the age of eighteen has fallen into a sleep that will not end, and monsters from the stars ravage what's left of Equestria. The Elements of Harmony, led by a still-waking Princess Celestia, must protect those left awake. They must forge friendship into a weapon and defeat the terrors of the night once and for all. Based on Ben Lehman's Bliss Stage RPG, but written with an eye towards those without familiarity.
Additional tags: Relationships, Trauma, Loss, Hope, Bliss Stage

Ponies in the Vineyard
[Adventure]
Princess Celestia left this land long ago, unable to bear the sins of the mortal world. Her followers, the Faithful of the Princess of Light, try to live their lives in accordance with her teachings, but even the Faithful sometimes stray. When that happens, the Princess’s Watchdogs step in to heal the wounds—or cauterize them, if necessary. Sunshine Flutter is a new Dog, devoted to his faith but untested. Accompanying him are Dazzle Daring, a city unicorn turned devotee, and Marshal, a veteran Dog with a dark past. Inspired by D. Vincent Baker’s Dogs in the Vineyard RPG.
Additional tags: Old West Utah, with ponies.
360 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 114885
>>114870
>>114867
I try.
Be careful about how it's expanding. That's how my old stories died; they grew beyond what I could hope to achieve with my meagre skill.

>It plays into her wanting to change her past too, which is in fact in my story.
Which is in fact most Trixie stories.

>Sarf
This doesn't sound like a pony name, it sounds like a name-name. It should be representative of his talent. Perhaps Mirror Smoke?

>Although to be honest you're going to have to hit me a lot harder than that to leave a mark.
Your face looks like it caught fire and someone put it out with a fork.
...
Anything yet?
>> No. 114914
>>114885
Plenty of sage advice in this thread, but this line in particular:
>Be careful about how it's expanding. That's how my old stories died; they grew beyond what I could hope to achieve with my meagre skill.
Wise words for us to all keep in mind.
>> No. 114940
>>114914
>wise
My beard isn't nearly long enough for that. Try "Words born from experience". The wise man learns from the fool's mistakes, and I've learned from plenty of my own.
>> No. 115196
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115196
I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story... it's my story.

>Cadance story focusing on her past and how she grew up.
>> No. 115226
The Conversion Bureau: One Pony's Terrorist
[Dark] [Adventure] [Alternate Universe] [Human]
It is a new era on Earth, an era humans such as Jack Beckett are wary of. Civilization is in a tough spot, and a new continent appears in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, its pony citizens bringing promises of utopic peace, freedom, and harmony. The catch? You must give up your own humanity and become a pony yourself. Many do, and see this as an opportunity to bring about a better Earth. Jack Beckett and the Human Liberation Front, however, see something entirely different.

I've had someone in the Training Grounds look at it. I was told it was basically TCB as a whole with just a little thing at the end, which I agree with, but I have no idea what to do with this.
>> No. 116703
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116703
The Secret Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Dearest Billy.

It is with a heavy hand and heavy heart that I must relate to you the news: He is dead, and passed away among his bees only a few days ago. I too am not long of this earth, and it falls to you to publish my final wish. The attached parcel is my tin box, you have ferried to and fro before, and it is where notes from all our adventures, spanning two centuries, two wars and three monarchs had been safely kept. The remaining bundles within, however, we agreed some time ago to never publish, lest our reputations be shredded. However, with his passing heavy on my mind, I cannot forget such cases, so singular and impressive that they prove, without a doubt, that Sherlock Holmes was the greatest detective London, Britannia, and worlds beyond even our farthest imaginations had ever known. Nor should the public, who have no doubt heard of the tragedy. The cases within will confuse you, and perhaps even tarnish your memories of us, but take my word: They are as true and real as the paper on which you read this letter.


Faithfully Your’s,
Dr John Watson M.D.
>> No. 116716
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116716
>>11519
Evocative of Final Fantasy X's opening. This is a good thing if your fic will be melancholy and introspective.

>>115226
Since TCB is pretty well-known--I've learned things about it despite avoiding it like the plague--and it's referenced in your title, I'd say drop the recap-y bit. Maybe something more like:

Jack Beckett hasn't been taken in by the lies. He knows that these pastel ponies have something planned.

Just what it is doesn't matter, because Jack and the Human Liberation Front are going to shut them down.


>>116703
Oh, me gusta. Using an in-universe note--in true late-nineteeth-century style!--allows you to slip little questions into the reader's mind without resorting to rhetoricals. I'm not even big on Holmes, but this would still pique my curiosity. Seen on a pony site such as FiMFiction, your synopsis would have me salivating.

A couple of things, though:
As far as I know, the correct way to handle mid-sentence asides such as
>you have ferried [it] to and fro before
and
>and perhaps even tarnish your memories of us
is with em dashes. Of course, if Doyle didn't use them you shouldn't either for this project. As the greater scholar of Holmes it is your choice.

Finally, unless it's a Doyle thing you'll want to lose the apostrophe in "Yours" at the end there.
>> No. 116726
>>116716
Oh, you flatter me!

But the piece is far from completion, sadly. Doyle is *hard* to recreate, and I am always retracing my steps, ensuring that I have him done right. I must say I feel a little in over my head. Thank you, though, for the advice. It means a bunch.
>> No. 116759
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116759
The synopsis of my Ponystar Celestia:
>Years after the wedding of Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, Equestria has expanded its borders. This expansion has led to the creation of massive airships known as "ponystars," which protect settlers and civilian caravans.

>This is the story of one such ponystar, as she and her crew face an attack from a mysterious foe that threatens the very survival of ponykind.

>Can these ponies and their friendships survive when the enemy could be anypony?

Aye, I used a rhetorical. I keep wanting to replace it and keep coming up blank. Any suggestions?

>>116726
>Oh, you flatter me!
Heh, I make it a point never to flatter; insincerity only hurts both parties in the long run. I do plead guilty to gushing when I see something I enjoy, though.

>Doyle is *hard* to recreate [...] I must say I feel a little in over my head.
If your synopsis is any indication, you're on the right track. I hope you post your fic in the Training Grounds.

>Thank you, though, for the advice. It means a bunch.
You're very welcome! Ah like helpin' the pony folk, heh.
>> No. 116760
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116760
>>116759
>I do plead guilty to gushing when I see something I enjoy, though.
You?? Naaaaah ;)
>> No. 117673
If anyone can tell me what their initial thoughts are when they see this that would be very helpful. One reader got the wrong impression of what my story is about.

Black Box
[dark][adventure][sad]

Cutie Marks:Their appearance marks a very joyous occasion for the youth of Equestria, but not all cutie marks are innocent. Some unlucky foals develop much darker natured marks. These young ponies all soon disappear without a trace, never to be heard from again. They disappear to Black Box.
>> No. 117694
>>116716
um was 11519 meant for me?
>> No. 117734
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117734
>>117694
Wha--? Oh! Yeah, yeah it was. Sorry; I must've dropped a digit somewhere.
>> No. 118549
Twilight Sparkle loves books. She also loves reading, and using magic. What harm could just reading another book do? Well, it depends entire on the contents of the book you read. What would happen if Twilight were to find a book of dark magics that could give her supreme power over all of Equestria? Corrupted once by the evil powers of Discord, could she be overwhelmed by darkness and consumed by power?

Without all six, the Elements of Harmony are useless. The only way to fight the power of Darkness is with the love of Light. Twilights friends will have to combine all of their love and courage together to stand up to her and stop the darkness within her.
>> No. 119646
>>118549
Seems more like a plot recap than a teaser. Also, half of the first paragraph is rhetorical questions >_> .
>> No. 119774
Seeing as I'm nearing the point where I'd be comfortable releasing my own fic, I figure I'd better set about refining my synopsis.

Title: Star-crossed
Tags: [Adventure] and maybe [Dark]
Synopsis: A fire in the Royal Archives. A mysterious, unreadable scroll. An enigmatic figure cloaked in darkness. Fate conspires to draw Twilight Sparkle and her friends into a quest that will lead them across the breadth of Equestria. From high peaks to deep dungeons, from modern streets to ancient ruins, our heroines will delve into their homeland’s primeval history, and the revelations they unearth will decide not only their own destinies, but the doom of their entire world.
>> No. 119775
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119775
>>119774
Pic related. It sounds very cinematic, which in my opinion is a very good thing.

Only suggestion I have is that I'd change "doom" to "fate" at the end there, given the connotations. That is of course unless the end is bleak and you want folks to knkw that going in.
>> No. 119809
>>119775

Good to know I'm on the right track.

I see what you mean about the use of "doom." The ending I have planned is not "bleak," exactly, so it might indeed be a bit misleading. That said, a little intentional misdirection might be a good thing--put the reader in a state of suspense from the get-go.

Hm. I'll have to think about this, maybe flip a coin. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
>> No. 119825
>>119774
>>119775

Yeah. You're setting the tone for a cinematic [adventure] fic, which will probably draw some in and ward others away. If you mean for your fic to be some great epic adventure, which I feel like you do, then this is actually good as it is.

Yes, "doom" says that something really awful is going to happen. You could even rephrase that to say something about the world being destroyed. This is cheesy--don't use this--but a line like "shattering forever the world as they know it" or some bullshit.
>> No. 119846
The Ancient Heart's First Beating

News of a momentous event taking place in a tiny, ordinary town reaches the castle. The Royal Sisters immediately make preparations for a royal visit to East Hayshire.

This is a story about love.

=====================================================

It's a very flowery, sappy fic. The event alluded to in the synopsis is the birth of a special child, but I wanted to keep it ambiguous. It's [sad] by virtue of being a sappy emotional thing, but I hate the fact that I'm labeling it "sad." The story is just full of positive energy. There's a tearful goodbye and a deathbed scene. That's it. Ugh.

Ingredients: First person Celestia. OC "goddess." Deathbed scene. OC supporting characters. Motherhood. Princess Cadence. Allergy warnings: Contains flashbacks and dream sequences. May contain traces of Crying Woona.

there, now this post is less awful
>> No. 119949
>>119846
Don't keep that ambiguous. Explain it fully, because your synopsis is too general and barely describes anything about your story, and it completely fails to make me want to read it.
>> No. 119960
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119960
Hm. I thought the picture would draw people in pretty well, and that the vagueness of the synopsis would be okay because it wouldn't have to assert that the story is interesting.

Let's see.
========================================================

Once in a lifetime.

To an immortal Goddess, the phrase "once in a lifetime" can mean many things.

It is news of a once in a lifetime event that prompts Celestia and Luna to immediately make preparations for a visit to tiny East Hayshire.

This is a story about love.
>> No. 119971
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119971
>>119960
The simplicity of the pic certainly works well with the vague tone of the summary, I'll give you that.

The only thing I can mention is that I get the feeling that the "once in a life time" needs to be hyphenated in the full sentence, since it's being used as a descriptor for "event" rather than as an subject-ish-sort-of phrase itself, although that's more personal preference? rule of thumb? than hard-and-fast rule.
>> No. 119972
>>119971

First off, I don't normally hyphenate compound words for any reason. Just a personal thing.

To actually address what you're saying, though, i actually mean lifetime as an item i.e. "only one in your lifetime."
>> No. 119979
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119979
>>119972
>It is news of a once in a lifetime event
>[once in a lifetime] event
Whoops, added an extra space in my previous post. What I meant by descriptor/subject attribution was me reading your sentence phrased like above.

But yeah, really, apart from that minor personal preference, I think you're good to go. ^_^
>> No. 119982
I hate to be a necromancer, but does anyone have an opinion on my synopsis (>>116759)?

I'm not quite narcissistic enough to believe that its utter perfection is what has kept it comment-less for a month.
>> No. 119983
>>116759

Anchoring it to the wedding is an odd choice, though now that I think about it I guess it's because the enemies are changelings. Maybe make that clearer.

Try to make some kind of compromise between the inevitable associations that your audience will make with science fiction, and the actual setting of your fic.
>> No. 119996
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119996
>>119983
>Anchoring it to the wedding is an odd choice, though now that I think about it I guess it's because the enemies are changelings. Maybe make that clearer.
Heh, actually I was just trying to give it a temporal anchor without going meta ("years after season 2" or some such) and trying to imply that I'm likely not going to work in much from Season 3 (though we'll see how that goes). I want the changelings to be a bit of a surprise, though readers who know Battlestar Galactica should figure that out right quick.

>Try to make some kind of compromise between the inevitable associations that your audience will make with science fiction, and the actual setting of your fic.
Sorry, I can't reading comprehension tonight. Wat you say? That is: what "inevitable associations" do you mean?
>> No. 120005
>>119996

The words Star and Galactic plus the crossover material bring to mind images of space battles and warp gates. This is inevitable. Be aware of that and try to run with it or work against it.
>> No. 120008
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120008
ITP: I'm thick.

>>120005
Well now... There are--or rather, there will be as of my newest chapter--dogfights (pegasi v. changelings) and capital ship combat in my fic, and I've already got analogues for nukes and Cylon skinjobs... I think I'm mostly okay for that kind of thing.

Not sure how to go about advertising it in the synopsis, though; I could try for something "action movie trailer"-esque, but I'm trying to establish more of a melancholic, brooding air (without plagarizing the TV show's opening, natch)...

Argh!
>> No. 120697
[Adventure][Alternate Universe]

In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power, a young Twilight Sparkle loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion that won't just take her further beyond the borders of Equestria than anypony before her, but will also change the fates of both the nation and her life, forever.
>> No. 121410
Uh, hi! Just wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to make this synopsis any better.

Hearts Aflutter
[Romance] [Sad]
It all begins with a night spent above the clouds…
Overnight, everything changes for Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash as they at last begin to realise; they’ve always been a little more than just friends. As they unravel their newfound feelings, discovering more about each other and themselves, a single question runs through their minds – “Does she feel the same?” But after Rainbow Dash makes
a mistake that could take a lifetime to mend, can she and Fluttershy ever be together - or will she lose her closest friend forever?
Additional Tags: Loss, Hurt, Recovery
>> No. 121769
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121769
>>120697
>In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power, a young Twilight Sparkle loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion that won't just take her further beyond the borders of Equestria than anypony before her, but will also change the fates of both the nation and her life, forever.
Well, it's not bad. You spend half of it establishing your AU world - good - and then you spend the other half of it with a vague promise of what'll happen - not bad, but not very attractive, either. Perhaps revealing more about the driving conflict of the story would be more interesting.

>>121410
>It all begins with a night spent above the clouds…
>Overnight, everything changes for Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash as they at last begin to realise; they’ve always been a little more than just friends.
replace semi-colon with "that". See, you're not using it wrong in terms of function, but the pause that it gives to the sentence makes the sentence unwieldy, because the two parts you're joining are closely related (hence better if it was a continuous sentence) rather than somewhat related (which is where semi-colons come in normally).

>As they unravel their newfound feelings, discovering more about each other and themselves, a single question runs through their minds – “Does she feel the same?” But after Rainbow Dash makes a mistake that could take a lifetime to mend, can she and Fluttershy ever be together - or will she lose her closest friend forever?
Well, ends fairly nicely, although finding a way to get rid of the rhetorical sentence would make it better. But yeah, sounds about right.
>> No. 121774
>>121769

Thanks a lot for your feedback!

It's been here for so long I had almost given up hope for a response.
>> No. 121868
So i could use a little help with this synopsis.

Canterlot is a city of prestige, of high class, and of fashion. So pretty much a ‘city of fakers’ as far as Ghostwriter is concerned. It’s not exactly the best place for a socially awkward and introverted pony with weird quirks. The only thing keeping him there is his job as the royal scribe. Now Celestia is sending him to Ponyville. So it’s the simple life for him... right?
>> No. 121883
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121883
What is it with me and suspiciously dark crossovers? Honestly, between this and The RED Cataclysm, you'd think I only tangentially cared about this whole "My Little Pony" thing. Anyway, the following is the synopsis of a under-heavy-development crossover I've just gotten started on between My Little Pony and a video game called "The Binding of Isaac."

My Little Unicorn: Friends Till The End
[Dark][Sad][Crossover][Human]
Twilight Sparkle wasn't expecting to have an eventful day. Neither was Isaac.
She wasn't expecting to have her world turned upside down and inside out. Neither was Isaac.
She wasn't expecting to have anything try to kill her. Neither was Isaac.
She wasn't expecting to make a new friend. Neither was Isaac.
They couldn't have been more wrong.

Incidentally, are there plans to make a new thread once this one autosages?
>> No. 121910
>>121883
You might want to change the name of your fic. Firstly because "My Little X" titles are cliche and utterly bland, and secondly because "My Little Unicorn" inadvertently associates your story with this:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9894/My-Little-Unicorn%3A-Magic-is-Believing

That's not an association you want, believe me.
>> No. 121917
>>121910
Huh. I was unaware of this project's existence. I thought that was clever, you see, because "My Little Unicorn" is the name of a power-up from The Binding of Isaac that grants temporary invincibility. Oh well. Guess I'm gonna have to go with the backup title, then: "The Five Horses of the Apocalypse."

But enough about that. What about the synopsis?
>> No. 121927
>>121769
Wow, even just the changes you mentioned make it a hell of a lot better.
I'll definitely see what I can do about those rhetorical questions.
Thanks for taking a look!
>> No. 121928
>>121927
It all begins with a night spent above the clouds…
Overnight, everything changes for Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash as they at last begin to realise that they’ve always been a little more than just friends. As they unravel their newfound feelings, discovering more about each other and themselves, they can't help but wonder if they both feel the same way – and after Rainbow Dash makes a mistake that could take a lifetime to mend, she fears that she may lose her closest friend forever.

Howzat? Also, sorry for double-posting if it's a problem.
>> No. 121939
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121939
>>121868
>Canterlot is a city of prestige, of high class, and of fashion. So pretty much a ‘city of fakers’ as far as Ghostwriter is concerned.
Warning bells right off the first bat, mate. Do you know what's the difference between someone whiny and someone disillusioned with modern society? The person disillusioned has a reason to which actually matters - it could be that he's lost a business due to sham contractors, or his financial advisers did a number on his stock and ran out of town. The whiny person just whines.

We don't know what's the reason for Ghostwriter's immensely negative opinion of something that, canonically, is the heart of an almost painfully idyll land of harmony. It isn't justified. In some cases, it doesn't have to be, but when the first thing we find out about Ghost is that he hates Canterlot and all who life in it - a negative trait - that doesn't leave a very good impression. So, I'd end up marking him off as whiny right from the start.

>It’s not exactly the best place for a socially awkward and introverted pony with weird quirks.
Second warning bell. The thing about anti-heroes is that there's always at least something to like about them. Allow me to rant a bit:

There's this manga called "It's not My Fault that I'm Not Popular!". The main character is this seriously delusional, borderline insane high school girl who has a love-hate relationship with the concept of popularity, which she does not have (hence the love and hate). She's got self-esteem that fluctuates like a sine wave and is, on the whole, as removed as one can get from a normal person while at the same time being completely average. But she tries, and you can't help but feel sorry for her, because you start wondering what it's like and you sympathize.

The thing is, this is presented through her actions and inner thoughts. It isn't something that you put into a summary, because doing so presents the information of the character being unrelatable without context to keep your readers interested. It's possibly the worst way to present a character whose base starts from the negative side of the spectrum (examples: Harry Potter has it bad but he's full of hope; Bertie Wooster is adorably British, Jeeves is brilliant and British, Doctor Who is enigmatic and very strongly presented as the good guy - these are characters that start from the positive end of the spectrum), because it lets us know he's negative without giving us a reason to care (nor do you have that chance, because that's not what a summary is for).

>The only thing keeping him there is his job as the royal scribe. Now Celestia is sending him to Ponyville. So it’s the simple life for him... right?
Actions need reasons unless they're fairly normal given the context. So he's the royal scribe. Celestia sends him to Ponyville. That's pretty easily misinterpreted as Because Plot because it really is something completely out of the blue to do. Scribes have to keep track of a lot of things, after all, especially in a city as established as Canterlot, so why the heck is he getting sent away? Because plot. Or, rather, because plot until we see otherwise, but there isn't anything to convince us of it.

Also, ellipses followed by rhetorical question, kill it with fire. Seriously. Ellipses are bad enough, but then you combine it with a rhetorical question, both of which give ambiguity, which is the least of what you should present seeing as it's when the reader's unsure whether he should read it or not.

Also, the actual conflict presented, awkward OC goes to Ponyville, doesn't really sound promising, because, well, it could very well be a self-insert, a Gary Stu, or both. There's nothing interesting in that there's nothing you could dream up that we can't dream up ourselves. I reviewed Multiversity's rewrite of "New Neighbours" rather extensively (it's on EqD if you're curious as to why I'm mentioning it), and his plot started off with 3 OCs arriving in Equestria. I gave him quite a bit of hell for it.

If your central conflict isn't awkward OC goes to Ponyville, then I'd suggest putting your central conflict in there. If not, well...

>Three new ponies from three different walks of life move to a town we're all so familiar with. One is cynical, one is frighteningly calm and quiet, and one is utterly mad. Let's see what we can do about that, eh? All the while, the shadows writhe behind them...
He presents the interesting parts of said OCs, and ends it with the hint of something greater lurking under the surface. Basically, the hook.

>>121883
"Five Horses" isn't a very nice title, I'd feel. = I think the main attraction of your cover is that it's a Binding of Issac crossover, which people would either know and hence love immensely or not know and feel indifferent (I've heard of it before but haven't played it, so I'm the sort in the middle). Rather than "My Little Unicorn" as the BoI-related thing, why not go with maybe "The Binding of Twilight" or something where the pony element is the secondary one?

Incidentally, I know enough about it to know that BoI is horrifically dark, but your synopsis doesn't really have anything that strikes me as such. Maybe it's me being desensitized to death, but the conflict in your summary is just not very horrific, y'know? Not that it's bad, just, if you were going for ultra-dark, it didn't really convey as much.

>>121928
Seems better to me. I'd stick around a couple more days to see if anyone else pitches in, though.
>> No. 121947
Well, that's it, folks! We're autosaged! Now what?
>> No. 121949
>>121939
Okay how about something like

If there is one thing Ghostwriter knows it's that sometimes a position doesn't give you the respect it's supposed to, such as his position as royal scribe and the high class ponies of Canterlot. While the position is treated with prestige, the pony holding it is an outcast. When Ghost nearly throws his life away trying to stop the theft of the Rune Guide, Celestia decides to send him to Ponyville to interview the mane six. Now on top of retrieving the Rune Guide, Ghostwriter has to deal with a town that's not quite as quaint as it seems.
>> No. 121957
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>>121947
Now I stuff this thread with images that probably only CoS would get a kick out of!

>>121949
Slightly better.

>If there is one thing Ghostwriter knows it's that
knows, it's

>sometimes a position doesn't give you the respect it's supposed to,
Self-entitlement. It's one of the things I can stand the least of. Listen, see... having a position isn't enough to warrant respect. Respect is earned. And I'm saying so because my government is run, half by idiots, and half by very cunning people who are sucking our finances dry, who have done nothing to earn that position except be born into a family of politicians, so I'd know that. Having a position doesn't crapangit entitle you to anything except the paycheck, and even then whether or not that's rightly given depends on whether you're doing the work. Well, that's my stand, at least, and I think I've refrained wonderfully from overreacting (in the form of italics abuse, because standards). Ugh. Excuse me.

>such as his position as royal scribe and the high class ponies of Canterlot.
Refer to the above. Actually, this part is rather irrelevant to the conflict, and doesn't give me insight into his character at all, so I'd just get rid of this altogether.

>While the position is treated with prestige, the pony holding it is an outcast.
Refer to above, and probably restructure based on the fact (read: opinion) that his position doesn't really mean squat when it comes to making an interesting story.

>When Ghost nearly throws his life away trying to stop the theft of the Rune Guide, Celestia decides to send him to Ponyville to interview the mane six.
...the connection between first half and second half is lost on me. Because seriously, there isn't a connection between doing something heroic and getting sent to an interview.

>Now on top of retrieving the Rune Guide,
See, this here would be a better connection, except that it raises a few questions:

1) so this Rune Guide is important, yeah. So why aren't Celestia's agents (the army, Shining Armour, what have you, heck, even Luna) doing it?
2) he's getting sent to Ponyville for an interview. There's an implied connection between the two, but it still feels forced, because he's going there under Celestia's orders, not by his own volition. If it was the latter, then yeah, it'd be him having tracked it down to there. But he's getting sent, and you're implying that the Rune Guide just so happens to be there as well, which is prime space for poking holes in.

>Ghostwriter has to deal with a town that's not quite as quaint as it seems.
Probably the best thing in the summary, if you ignore the lurking implications of OC trumps Mane 6, because if there was a big problem, you'd think that they'd have solved it by now - AJ the community girl, RD the hero, Twilight Sparkle the conspiracy enthusiast, you know, those ponies.
>> No. 121959
>>121939
Thanks for the suggestions, Casca. And yes, now that I think about it, the synopsis isn't as indicative of the story's contents as it could be. I've reworked the synopsis a little to make it more indicative and darker. How does this sound?

The Binding of Twilight / The Five Horses of the Apocalypse [both of these are working titles]
[Dark][Sad][Crossover][Human]
Twilight Sparkle wasn't expecting to have an eventful day. Neither was Isaac.
She wasn't expecting to make a new friend. Neither was Isaac.
She wasn't expecting to go on a spiritual journey. Neither was Isaac.
She wasn't expecting to be drenched in the blood, sweat and bile of her newfound enemies and allies alike. Neither was Isaac.
They couldn't have been more wrong.

How's that, then?
>> No. 121967
>>121957

Kay, not exactly what i was trying to say. How about...

The royal scribe is a position handpicked by the Princesses. The pony picked would be respected for the skills needed to obtain it, or at least that's what Ghostwriter thought. He was only half right. While the position is respected, the pony holding it is an outcast. After Ghost nearly throws his life away to stop the theft of the Rune Guide, Celestia decides he needs a friend or two. She sends him to Ponyville under the guise of interviewing the mane six. Now on top of secretly retrieving the Rune Guide, Ghost has to deal with a town that's not as quaint as it seems.
>> No. 121971
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>>121959
Yep, that's definitely more dark. Seems good to me!
>> No. 122132
Hey, all. I’m alive and fairly well, just inactive. New thread at >>122131

>>121959
The potential problem I see is that you’re not doing much for readers unfamiliar with Binding of Isaac. If you want to attract readers unfamiliar with the source material, you’ll need more description of your story’s specifics, rather than the broader references to BoI. This depends on the readership you’re looking for. The title is another way to signal this; “The Five Horses of the Apocalypse” will likely be more attractive to non-BoI people than “The Binding of Twilight” would.
>> No. 126540
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>> No. 130853
Who's calling? <a href=" http://xvideos.xmov8.com/ ">xvideos</a> Nice to watch a film with natural sounds from the girl, not the average butchering a pig type of crap
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