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File 132422515468.png - (262.83KB , 830x650 , Ponysona.png )
72525 No. 72525
Alright, listen closely. I am Jmozziel, private investigator of pony fan fiction. Come to me and I'll examine your story. I will find plot holes, OOC characters, and anything that makes the reader go what the buck. However, I am not the be all to end all. I find my grammar skills lacking and will send you to another reviewer for a grammar check.

The Rules:

1. Read the sticky.
2. If you drop a Crossover fiction in my thread, I'll probably send you elsewhere. Though there are a few I will look at. (List down below)
3. I don't want to be bombed with surprise clop fictions or Cupcake like dark stories. You must tell me what your story is about.
4. This is a review thread. Do not expect me to come out telling you how pretty your story is.
5. All stories have potential. I will never tell you to give up on an idea. However, I will tell you to scrap a bad write and start over if I find your story lacking.
6. I reserve the right to drop a story. If I do, I will tell you why. Most likely it will be because of grammar so horrible it's obvious even to me or for rule 5.
7. Comment, comment, comment. Tell me if I point out something you think was correct in the first place. I can clarify if needed.

Crossovers I can do:
Halo
World of Warcraft
Dead Space
Starcraft 1 (Note: Only Terran or Zerg please, I'm still working on the last bit of Zerg and Protoss)
Legend of Zelda

Last word, If I fall behind on reviewing, it's because I'm writing my own story. However, I promise that I'll try to stay as up-to-date as possible. Let the posting begin!
368 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 94358
Hey, LunarShadow! Chapter Three is up and in need of pre reading. I know you said the queue is closed, so it's whenever you get around to it. You've been a big help so far, I'm willing to wait on your advice! :D


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-sHhLT8XlHMf1sZCbvL9RG1iQdME-YiMd9Ctz0uSF8E/edit
>> No. 94365
>>94358
Wow. So you can read and tell that his queue is closed, but you still ask for a review? You must be brilliant. I'm not Lunar, but kindly learn that rules apply to everyone and don't be an idiot.
>> No. 94368
>>94358

>posts in half the review threads on the board at once
>posts in threads with clearly closed queues

This is exactly how to win friends and influence people.
>> No. 94373
>>94365
OK, High Speed. LunarShadow has been working with me for my whole story, as is evident by the fact that I thanked him by name on FIMFiction. Now, I'm not saying that he works for me or anything, but I value his opinion greatly. So yes, when I finished my next chapter, I naturally want him to read it. His influence in the previous chapters is pretty heavy, so it might throw of the vibe of the story without him(that, and I think he does a damn good job.) I know this is the internet, but I do consider him a friend, as we have had a few conversations about my story. So, asking him to read it when he gets around to it is nothing odd, I think.
Secondly, AS I SAID, I know the queue is closed, and I SAID that it's whenever he gets around to it. Your tone is completely unnecessary. If I had come in the thread and said, "OMG U HAZ TO MUST BE REVIUING MAH FICZ NOW OR U IZ JERK!" then yeah, you could call me an idiot. But I am not making demands. Merely letting an acquaintance on the site know that my new chapter is up. Again, like my post said, WHEN HE GETS AROUND TO IT! If that's tomorrow, awesome. If it's next month, cool.
And to the guy beneath you, if that isn't the same person, I posted in in the two threads of reviewers who have been working with me on my story, as well as the "Training Grounds" thread. Seeing as there are around thirty pages on this board, I hardly see how that constitutes "half the threads" there, Hero. I let the two guys who have been working with me know, then posted in one thread for anyone else.

Both of you, take a step back, look at the sky, take a deep breath, and double your medications.
>> No. 94382
>>94373
There are roughly six active review threads.
You posted in three of them.
Ergo, you posted in half of the review threads.
Just thought I'd clarify that point for you since the anon was a little ambiguous.

Also, the general rule is to not post in more than two, so that other writers can get help first. Everyone gets served before on person gets seconds (or, in this case, thirds), or something like that.
>> No. 94835
File 133340032197.png - (98.64KB , 320x320 , Sip.png )
94835
>>91618
Okay, after all that waiting, here it is, you're review. 'Tis was an alright first chapter. Not stellar by any means, but with work, it would do well.


Chapter 1:

> The Blank Flank Adventurer
Story title and chapter title are usually cenetered.

> Dream Feather did not know enough about the quaint town to consider his solitude particularly strange.
Unless you know a town, being alone is by default strange imo. But, this is a preferance, so take it as you will.

> There was one thing out of place enough to catch his attention,
You suddenly go from talking about how he's alone to how something catches his attention. Work your way into it. Perhaps have him look around some, notice that it appears to be your run-of-th-mill towns. Then have him notice the poster.

> And, why do I feel like I've met this pony before?
Put this back with the rest of the thoughts.

> to report any relevant information to Twilight Sparkle at the Ponyville Library'
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Why Twilight? Why not the authorities? When a pony goes missing like this, the posters aren't going to be just in Ponyville. They'll be in other towns/cities. And I wouldn't want to walk all the way Ponyville when I could just tell the local police or guards or whatever.

> Element of Loyalty? Is that some sort of government office I have not heard of?
Ugh... I really hate how it's assumed that no pony outside of Ponyville knows about the elements. It's a friggen foals story. You'd think they'd at least get the concept of the EoH.

> The pony sat down
No, the zebra sat down. You're slapping us in the face with this. It's like saying, "oh, and just in case you didn't know, my pony is a pony." Just replace with 'He'.

> having completely forgotten
Well, I wouldn't say completely forgotten, I'd go with something along the lines of the reason taking a backseat to the present issue.

> “What do you know about this pony my good friend?“
Comma after pony.

> Of course this startled him
Please don't narrate this. It sounds like you're a third party telling us the story. Perhaps: Startled, he whirled around to face the mysterious pony. But at the same time...

> This pony had to be his friend, how else could he or she make him feel so secure?
The way you have this formatted, you're asking the reader this. Don't do it. Reword it to be a thought, because he really is asking himself.

> how else could he or she make
Deep voice seems to indicate male... generally, but in this case I would go with the male has a deep voice stereotype.

> “I don't think it's a very interesting tale, but if you want to hear it...“
Again, formatting issues right after this. Also, you kind of confuse readers with this. You start as if your starting a story, but then, YOINK! It's actually a prelude to the story. Oh, and one last thing, don't end paragraphs, or in this case, lines, with an ellipse.

> Dream Feather became lost in his memories, his voice becoming monotone,
Mmm... No. reword. Perhaps: Dream Feather stared into empty space as he lost himself in memories, his voice becoming monotone.

> ------
Err... the whole line break has too many dashes. Just three will do. (---)

> the foreword.
I think it's actually called the forward.

> almost falling off its hinges.
Boring! Have some fun and discribe it almost falling off it's hinges! 'I could hear the hinges bending and snapping.' Stuff like that.

> I slowly turned myself
No, don't use myself. Whoelse is he gonna turn? Just delete myself.

> toward the entrance of my house.
This is only here to tell us where the noise came from. Perhaps: towards the noise.

> but she looked very strange to me.
Ponies are genearlly pretty colourful in the show. So it wouldn't really be her colouration that throws him off. Maybe it's

> “Ugh, not again...“
Again, don't end like this with ellipses. Here, the easy way out would be to add a speech tag.

> She started to take in her new surroundings
She started too? How about, 'She looked around, taking in her new surroundings.'

> “Hello?“
Some diplomatic skills. I guess that reveals one thing about your character. He isn't a very good diplomat.

> the owner of the building she had just entered.
How about you shorten it to just 'me'. Honestly, don't waste words when you can be simple in some cases. There is a time and place for being long winded, but this isn't it.

> The blue pony turned her head away from me and resumed her inspection of my typewriter.
Actions can go with dialogue if the action belongs to the pony who spoke. Also, why is RD so curious in a typewriter? She's not usually interested in such. Give her a reason to be interested.

> “I think you owe me a name. And... practicing what exactly?
More like insurance information... or a new door. And also, sudden interest!

> the only pony to pull off a sonic rainboom!“
Yes, RD is a braggart, but she is pretty good at keeping it under control unless someone displays skeptisism or asks about her abilities.

> This pony seemed oddly self assured
One, you should really stop with using 'this pony' and such once you know their name. Just use their name or she/he/etc. Also, dash inbetween self and assured.

> “I have no idea what a sonic rainboom is
Your OC isn't very bright, is he? Is was big news when RD pulled one off and it's a very simple play on sonic boom.

> Why I had to pick something offensive
It's not really offensive persay. It's more awkward that he doesn't know about it.

> Have you even used those wings before?“
Oh, now we know he's a pegasus... and we still don't know who's telling the story. It could be Feather or the mysterious pony. I'm slightly confused. Just slightly.

> “I...um sorry?
This makes no sense. 'I... umm... I'm sorry?' would work better. Also, space after an ellipse.

> I also was drawn in and intrigued by her.
He's... intrigued by the pony that broke into his house, insulted him, oh, but atleast she didn't beat the living horseapples out of him. Err... sounds too much like a love at first sight beginning.

> and I going to become famous for my work.“
Reminds me of the whole 'Me Tarzan, you Jane' incident. If you read this carefully, I'm sure you can see why.

> but I've never heard of a famous author that wasn't a unicorn."
Especially since the only author in the show we know for sure is Starswirl the Bearded. Just a passing comment.

> The rainbow maned pony
First signs of LuS, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll explain at the end of the review.

> her wings to prepare them for more flying.
Again, excessive telling. You could probably delete 'to prepare them for more flying.' and still do fine.

> kept my calm and gave a soft grin
Perhaps: I kept my calm and grinned softly at her. (It flows better than what you have.)

> Rainbow Dash just gave an overexaggerated nod.
More like a bored head shake. Why is she excited?

> She giggled at the thought of bookworms, she must have considered books a complete waste of time.
You don't say, Sherlock. She pretty much said that already.

> worse waste of time then fl--
Than, not then. Then deals with time, than deals with comparision.

> I didn't get mine by sitting in a house all day!.“
Ugh... why was she staring at his flank? I get yelled at for doing that. Also, you have a !. there.

> I barely heard her give a quick “Bye“
Don't tell us exactly what she said. Perhaps: I barely heard her give a quick farewell... (In this case, he wouldn't know what was exactly said anyways. So, he would assume it was a farewell.)

> She never did bother me again.
Last time with formatting issues. You need one more line between this line and the previous.

> here who asked me about it....
Egads! Keep ellipses consistant. Only three periods.

> what happened to that girl.
In context, use mare. Or if you insist, at least use filly.

> But what is this Element of Loyalty?
I point this out again, the EoH were a foalhood story. And he should know them, especially since he's an author.

> Ponyville was less crowded than Cloudsdale
And awefully inconvienent. Why not, you know, order them? Mail out a letter to some writing company and say, "Hey, I need more ink."

> He made his way to the library, which didn't take long.
This whole paragraph doesn't make sense. You should probably reword it so it talks about wings, they make trips short, still doesn't get RD.

> "Why a library? Did they need reference materials to help them find Rainbow Dash? Or maybe she went missing near here and they hoped to find clues? And that name 'Twilight Sparkle,' I'm sure I've heard it before..."
It's stated that these are thoughts. Thoughts go in italics.

> Before he could find more words, Twilight had found her own and gave a questioning stare.
One, this sentence is poorly worded (I.E. Found her own what?). Two, you have to tell us he assumes this to be Twilight. As of right now, he just suddenly knows her name.

> Are you Twilight Sparkle?"
Ah, there it is. You should have had him ask this earlier.

> “You see news that somepony has gone missing and the first thing you do is disturb the ponies who are doing everything they can to find her?
And this is the first part where Twilight goes OOC. She wouldn't be pissed off, she'd probably be more in the mentality of 'Oh, you want to know more so you can help'.

> Her frustration at her search's lack
The frustration of her search's lack...

> It was meant to comfort himself rather than Twilight.
Wow, he does a lot of this. Unless it's super important that we know he's smiling for his own sake rather than Twilight's, don't mention it. It also makes him look inconsiderate.

> "I—I am sorry
That en dash should be an ellipse.

> I just thought-- Well I'm a writer
If you persist in using en dashes as ellipses, keep it consistant. Don't use the double dash thing here. Also, well wouldn't be capitalized.

> “I am a writer of ponyfiction
Just leave it as fiction. You write ponyfiction, he would write fiction.

> The purple pony gave him a scrutinizing look
LuS

> and decided to accept the generous offer.
Extra words. Delete them. His next action tells us that he accepts.

> the mare into the main room
LuS

> “You are correct with that assumption
Use contractions. You're. Also, this sounds a bit ooc for Twilight. I would go with "Yeah, you're right, but the explanation..."

> I've never heard of a book written by Dream Feather or any other pegasus, for that matter.“
Wow... ponyism at it's finest. Twilight of all ponies would know some authors who were pegasi. Writing is not pony race exclusive.

> She held her smile but it had
Comma after smile.

> Something which would upset me if you told me--“
Too perceptive for Twilight. Maybe she would recognize he was hiding something, but not that it was because he was afraid it would upset her.

> I hardly know about my life.“
Your OC seems to shift from smart to dim rather quickly. She wasn't asking about his life, she was asking about RD.

> The purple pony
Last time I point out LuS.

> The stress and frustration had built to the point that she was willing to do whatever it took to uncover some clue or lead.
If this is from Dream Feather's PoV, how does he know this? We only should know what Feather sees, hears, tastes, etc...

> that Dream Feather had somehow missed in his inspection of the room.
How does one miss something as strange as a baby dragon... most ponies don't walk around with baby dragons in their house. It would be obvious. Perhaps Spike had just walked down the stairs?

> to steal away Rainbow Dash
Whoa! There was no accusation that Dream Feather had kidnapped RD.

> Dream Feather was not sure why this dragon seemed to be on his side.
New paragraph.

> before opening her muzzle to respond
Mouth, not muzzle.

> Sorry sugarcube, had no idea you were hugging the door.
You later say that this is a heavy southern accent. No, this is not. If you wanted heave, at least accent the you-yah and I-Ah.

> Spike watch Dream Feather until I get back! I still have some questions for him.
Oh, he's an object now? Have her address him directly.

Some things of note:

1. There isn't much flow. Remember the small actions that lead to the big ones. Some parts seem to do one thing, then suddenly leap to the next part. What leads up to it?

2. There are some formatting issues. Mostly with splitting paragraphs and other paragraph issues. Namely, paragraphs should be split as such: New idea, new speaker, new actor, new paragraph. You have lots of splits where action by a pony is done right after said pony speaks. Those should go together unless it's a completely new idea.

3. OOC character: Twilight and RD. I know you want to show just how stressed Twilight is, but there are better ways to do so than making her a bitch. She would be more concerned, trying to drag the subject back to whether Dream Feather has news on RD and such. She also wouldn't yell without good reason. As for RD, she sticks around way too long in a stranger's house. She shows too much curiousity in stuff she wouldn't really be curious in, such as the typewriter. I mean, she isn't as rude as to invite herself in to examine a stranger's belongings.

4. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, a specific trait, or race to tell us what pony is doing what. Don't do this unless the Main Character doesn't know the pony. Otherwise, don't be afraid to throw in he/she/his/her/etc...

5. Ellipses, you are inconsistant with them and try to replace some of them with en dashes and double dashes. One, don't end paragraphs with them. Two, if there's a significant pause, longer than a comma's pause, use an ellipse. Also, it's used to indicate st... stuttering. Also, don't forget the space after them.

6. Watch out for speech tags. They're nice, but you can do without overusing 'he said, she said, he said' type phrases. The actions afterwards will tell us how given dialogue was said. The quotations tell us that there was somepony speaking.

OVerall:
Not much happens in the first chapter and that'll scare people away. You're Oc is shallow. Perhaps part of chapter 1 should be giving at least a history of him. Where was he born? What's his hobby? Etc... I hear Vanner's thread (First post in his thread) has an excellant post on OC ponies. Go give it a visit. Other than that, the concept is great... if you'd tell us why RD is missing.

Okay, now here's what I'm gonna do, I'm going to leave this here and stop the review. You have plenty to work on in chapter 1 and the six points I make will apply to the other chapters. Go through and apply the six points to those other chapters before coming back to pchan for another review. It'll save you a lot of time, trust me. Oh, and having your OC be a grown up blank flank screams sue. It's just saying "I want to leave it open to interpetation so I can ensure he gets the bestest, coolest cutie mark ever!" You'd better have a good reason for him being a blank flank.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 94957
File 133348155438.jpg - (78.75KB , 600x600 , Lunacurious.jpg )
94957
>>91641

Very short review in doc.

Okay, when you said it'd been sitting a long time, you weren't kidding. I could almost see the dust on it. Also, pre-reading your own work, especially a piece this short, is not too much to ask. You're probably not a native English speaker, just taking a guess right now. As such, what I have to say will probably have you rewritting most of the story anyways. That is why I stopped reviewing so quickly. The errors are just too... numerous.

Some things of note:

1. Placement of events: you seem to forget that things happen in steps. Now, you don't have to go all out and describe every little event leading up to an event, but I do expect that you take the time to take Rarity places. I.E. Don't just have her appear places, like that part with the letter. Have her walk to the front door and see the letter. Stuff like that will make your story that much better if your character doesn't just appear places. You also have an issue with adding in things. For example, you have Rarity walk into the bathroom, suddenly be blinded, and takes a shower. You need to rearrange that so she walks in, is blinded, [action that shows her regaining her sight], takes a shower.

2. Formatting: You write dialogue and thoughts incorrectly, you have some inconsistency with paragraphs, you have paragraphs that need to be split. First, dialogue, it needs quotation marks, "like so." Second, thoughts should be in italics. Third, sometimes you have that extra line between paragraphs, sometimes you don't. Choose one style or the other. Fourth, new idea, new speaker, new actor, new paragraph.

3. Show vs. Tell: You do a lot of telling such as 'Rarity got out of bed.' and 'Rarity couldn't believe it'. Show us this. A good example of Rarity not believing something shocking: Rarity's eyes widened in shock and she gasped, nearly dropping the letter.

Find and destroy the mundane descriptions. Yes, there are times for them, but not here.

4. Mechanics: Again, you forget the quotation marks, italic thoughts. You also misuse the ellipse. Don't end paragraphs with them, they are used mostly for significant pauses in speech. There are other uses, but I doubt you'll be using it for anything other than long pauses.

5. Rarity is out of character. She just... seems like you're trying to make her lady like and trying to tone it down at the same time. Unfortunately, you'll have to go elsewhere for help with her. I am no good with Rarity.

Overall:

Oh yes, this needs work. Way to much work for me to review without hold your hand. That's not my job, though sometimes it does feel like it. I would highly suggest a complete rewrite after you look at some information on writing. I hear the training grounds OP has some useful links. Go check it out.

I wish you luck!
>> No. 95650
Just in case these authors didn't see the finished reviews of their stories.

>>94957
>>94835

Yes, both are short, I know.

Review done, he knows and has given me feedback

>>91644

Queue:

>>92176 - I'll take another look from where I left off and get a little further, but the options still stand. I would like an answer asap.

>>94358 - Thank you anon and Ion for talking to the guy, but I did extend an invitation for him to come back. I've been working with him on the previous two chapters and it'd be a shame if I didn't see this through a bit further.

QUEUE IS OPEN TOMORROW ONLY OR FOR THE FIRST 5 AUTHORS WANTING REVIEWS. After that, I'll be running this thread to autosage by nabbing fics from ttg.
>> No. 95658
>>95650
I can take both option 2 or 3.

The 3rd one works fine with me, if you are willing to go with it. I've noticed a few things from some of the comments you've left so far (I haven't been able to go through all of them), but it's up to you.

My only problem with option 2 is that my time for the next 3~ weeks is going to be somewhat limited because I have 3 big projects to turn in before the end of the month for this semester, so it would take me a while to get back to you on that regard.

So, I guess I can boil it down to this. If you don't mind, option 3. If you feel the volume of comments is starting to become excessive, I can make work with what you do for the time being (eventually) and come back with a somewhat revised version using what I got from there.
>> No. 95675
Thanks for the review! Can't you see the rest though? It's a bit longer now, and it should be slightly better
>> No. 95685
File 133380553333.png - (172.03KB , 900x684 , us_army_earth_pony_by_southparktaoist-d4fsi5q.png )
95685
>>95650
Flutteryay!

And I'm sorry for causing hassle in your thread. From now on I'll wait my turn in the queue.
>> No. 95693
File 133381198861.jpg - (14.42KB , 247x200 , Yesyou.jpg )
95693
>>95685

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You suffer just a bit from LuS, not too serious and easily fixable.

2. You seem to develop a slight issue with paragraphs, again, not too bad, but still. Remember: New idea, new character, new speaker, new paragraph.

Overall:

Other than that, this was a pretty good chapter. It was probably my favorite chapter so far. Oh, and any luck with EqD?

Keep writing my friend! I can't wait for chapter 4.
>> No. 95699
>>95693
Thanks for the review!

Yeah, the whole LuS thing is kicking my butt. Another reviewer told me hat it mainly refers to physical descriptions. The lavendar unicorn, the marshmallow mare, the multi-hued Pegasus. But it's ok if it refers to personality traits. The fashionista, the daredevil, the apple farmer. Is that not true? I just get paranoid about repeating names and pronouns.

Also, what I did at the end, making new mini paragraphs for the physical descriptors. I though that would add a little more impact to the scene. You think it detracts? I know it's a little cheap to use format to add emotion, you should do that with your writing. But I thought it really worked there.

And it made it to the EqD pre readers. I'm nervous as hell! I never thought I could be this worked up about a piece of fiction! :)
>> No. 95703
File 133381629824.jpg - (2.35KB , 125x71 , 131966215062s.jpg )
95703
>>95650
>this thread to autosage by nabbing fics from ttg
>dat implication
Duuuuuude.

Would you take email requests?
>> No. 95705
I posted the first 4 chapters of "Moving On" at
http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/viewstory.php?sid=939 , with a total of 3600 words.

This story begins 20 years in the future, when Twilight meets Celestia's second star pupil since herself, a despicably cute little filly named Starflower who is not important to the story. Twilight has continued to work very hard, but now finds herself middle-aged, single, no longer in touch with Celestia, no longer respected by academics or the public, and unable to relate to any of her old friends, who now have families of their own.

She realizes that the pursuit of knowledge is not enough to make her happy, and feels like she's wasted her life. Something has to change. She goes to see Luna, who, it turns out, can understand Twilight's feelings very well. (In chapter 5, not yet posted. Sorry.) The two of them resolve they are going to work on their problems together.

Looking at the chapter viewcounts, it looks like only 1 in 4 readers goes from chapter 1 to chapter 2. That's low. I've revised chapter 1, but I still don't think it grabs the reader the way a first chapter ought to do. Maybe there's a way to re-order the events - but this story doesn't have any fights or car chases or even arguments in it; nothing to explode on page 1 and hook someone.
>> No. 95714
>>95708
I can't make conjectures about the "running thread into autosage", but as for the sticky bit:

>>93586
is the sticky. It's the one that says "PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING", in red, at the top of the page.
>> No. 95715
>>95699

I've always been told to avoid it entirely, but I could be wrong. And good luck! This is one of the few HiEs I actually hope gets to EqD.

>>95703

Yes, e-mail requests by certain authors and certain authors who can find me on the Canternet IRC.

> dat implication
Confusion! Are you saying I can't finish off less than 20 posts between what I have now and what I'll be taking from ttg?

>>95705
>>95708

I will gladly look through your story. Yeah, 1 in 4 making it to chapter two? That's pretty low. I'll see what I can do to help.

> What does that mean?
Hitting autosage is when posts in this thread will no longer bump it to the front page for all to see. The bump limit is 400 posts and I'm sitting at about 380.

> I can't find the sticky.
Main page of /fic/. Just click on the link and it's the first post.
>> No. 95938
>>95715
More like, you'll be running this thread to autosage so that you can shut it down properly, for good. D=
>> No. 95986
File 133391077622.png - (89.79KB , 669x669 , LunaFilly.png )
95986
>>95705

Chapter 1:

> to the adorable little nag.
One, that to should be for. Two, I would replace little nag with something kinder. I know what you're going for, but you're probably giving the wrong impression by calling Starflower a nag.

> But on that day, she was not.
Move back with the previous paragraph. Perhaps: But today, she was not. (It's smoother.)

> had in practice a narrower
had, in practice, a narrower

> iron bookshelves
Iron seems impractical for bookshelves given the era.

> than a few of the gray hairs
Delete 'of the'

> get her hooves dirty and pony the registration desk
Pony the registration desk? Hmm?

> the librarian was staring at.
Watch out for LuS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome). I'll explain in my things of final note.

> stood a stately white alicorn
We know who Celestia is. No need to describe her to us.

> unicorn filly, standing just in front of two tall white
Comma splice. Seperate the two sentences.

> and just behind the sign that said "PLEASE FORM SINGLE LINE HERE".
Why do we care about the sign? Unless it's absolutely vital that we know about the sign, you don't need to mention it. Plus, many people know what a library checkout line looks like.

> "Y-Your Majesty!"
That second 'Y' should be lowercase.

> "Please," Celestia said. "Do continue."
This seems too... sarcastic? Cynical? Celestia would say something like: "Please, don't let me interupt."

> and galloped away
No running in the library!

> Twilight shouted.
No shouting in the library!

> but three feet of oak desk
I really dislike using feet as a unit of measurment in pony fan fiction. They don't really have a real concept of feet. Thus, they woudn't have anything to base the measurment off of. Use a meter.

> Which was probably a good thing
What, is she going to attack the Princess?

> Shh," Celestia cautioned
You caution someone when there's an important reason to, such as you really don't want to be overheard. This is hardly a moment for caution.

> the princess said,
People tend to capitalize the p in the Princess.

> It wasn't this filly's fault
Just replace 'this filly's' with 'her'

> - which Sunflower was probably not even aware of -
Those dashes should be commas.

> magicking a small grey card out of nowhere
It's a law of magic that things don't just come from nowhere. Perhaps she levitated it out from somewhere?

> I think I can take this nice lady at her word.
Twilight is not one to joke about the Princess's status as Princess. And she certainly wouldn't use lady. It's OOC.

> I'm assigning her books from the royal library.
Point: Why does she need a public library card if she could just use the Royal Library. I know you say it's symbolic, but, it also doesn't make any real sense. Perhaps simply change the setting to the Royal Library instead of the public library.

> Twilight practically wagged her tail.
Dogs wag their tail, ponies do not. Also, ponies do not use their tail to convey feelings really. In the show, they do a good job with facial expressions.

> be relevant myself,
You can delete that myself/comma combo.

> "If it's excitement you want, we just unpacked the new edition of the Encyclopedia Equestria!
*LunarShadow snorts in slight laughter* Typical Twilight...

> overwork the poor dears."
Dears? Rarity, what are you doing talking for Celestia?

> Odd. Twilight had never
Comma after odd. Also, you should rephrase this to be Twilight thinking it. (Remember, if you do this, put it in italics and give it a new paragraph.)

> Impress her?
Thoughts are in italics. Also, you'll need to specify who's thinking in this case.

> "Right here," she finished.
This goes back with the previous paragraph as such. "... right here," she finished.

> Chapter End Notes:
The end notes ask questions! Questions! No, no, no. Readers came here to read, not ask questions. I, as a reviewer came in to answer questions and this review should answer those questions without me directly addressing them.

Chapter 2:

> her assistant Nickerdoodle
Comma after assistant. Also, what sort of name is Nickerdoodle? Just curious. It doesn't sound very library assistanty.

> put the few chairs up on the
Few chairs? I thought you said that this library was decent sized. I would think it would have more than a few chairs.

> (After much consideration, Twilight had re-shelved Celestia's writings under "ancient authors", because she had done most of her writing over five hundred years ago. It seemed more dignified to Twilight. Still, she hoped Celestia hadn't noticed.)
Hehe... funny. But I would still reword. Also, I would find a way to lose the parentheses if I were you.

> Celestia was one of the least-read of the ancient authors, because she had written the most.
This makes no sense. She's the least read because... she has the most writing?

> If you began reading her earliest writings
Do not address the reader. I usually replace you's with one. 'If one began reading... when one was young... etc...

> old age, assuming she didn't
I would replace that comma with a period and change the next sentence to something like: That was assuming...

> on coming across one line in modern Equestrian
This is out of place in the paragraph. Or, you derped some words.

In fact, from this point to the end of the paragraph, it doesn't make sense.

> Did Celestia really think Twilight cared about these things only in order to impress her?
Nope, don't ask the reader questions. They aren't in the story. Rephrase it to be Twilight thinking it so she's asking herself.

HOLD THE PRESSES! STOP! END REVIEW! I have what I need to give you an assesment of why readers aren't continuing on.

Okay, first, some final things of note:

1. LuS, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Using mane/coat colour, a specific trait, the race of a pony to describe who's doing what. It's only okay if the pony from who's PoV we're in doesn't know the other pony you're describing. Use pronouns!

2. Celestia seems out of character. She strikes me as incredibly cynical. From what little she has, she treats everypony as "Oh, I have to deal with you... while, I don't want to."

3. Grammar: It's not my strong suite, but you seem to want to use dashes as commas occasionally. You also add in or miss commas. Other than that, I can't add much.

Overall:

Here's why readers aren't continuing on. You have nothing happen in chapter 1. You're synopsis is lacking, bringing up things not worth mentioning. If Starflower isn't important, don't mention her. She'll make her appearances, and stuff will happen.

Okay, you say, "Yes, I do have things happening in chapter 1. Didn't you read?" Yes, I did read. You described the library, leaving me a semi-filled description. You had part of an argument, which wasn't really important. You have Celestia come in to get Starflower her library card. That's it. It doesn't really reveal anything except Twilight's age and a character you said isn't important. You need a hook, something to draw readers in. You mention, in passing, a tid bit of history that Celestia wrote, which I suspect is the actual important part in the story, yet you skip over it. Perhaps you should expand there. Oh, and have your characters do something besides talk. Make them walk, make them them hug, idk, just make them do action. I couldn't get through chapter 2 because you start off with an irrelavent info dump. Don't do this. We don't care how long it would take to read all of Celestia's work.

Overall, your story comes off as an info story that I would read if I were looking for facts about Celestia's boring life. It's very cut and dry, leaving no room for anything to happen. My final word of advice, expand, expand, expand.

Keep writing my friend. You can make this work, but if you're looking for readers, you need to pander to the readers, and they want action. They do not want just dialogue.

---

>>95938

Perhaps. If I do open up a new thread, it won't be for a while. I have a list of people I'll be giving my pony e-mail to send fics to for private reviews.
>> No. 96034
File 133393019879.jpg - (10.60KB , 200x200 , LunaSings.jpg )
96034
*sigh* Guess opening up my thread didn't work. Come on people, 12 to autosage. I'm taking the next few stories. Probably next 4 will be able to run me to autosage.

QUEUE IS OPEN
>> No. 96052
OK, LunarShadow. On the advice of a few people who said my story didn't flowq right, I've decided to overhaul it. Basically, I've combined a few scenes and added a few paragraphs. So, I'm really just asking for a mini-review. If you could please look at my first chapter again, I'd appreciate it. It's all stuff you've read before, but I added a little at the end.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17190/1/Bloodline/Under-A-Luminous-Sky
>> No. 96063
Hey there! I'm just trying to get this fic out there and reviewed! Anyway, it says the queue is open, and I intend to take full advantage of that. Would you mind looking over my story?

Here's the standard form:

Tags: [Adventure][Dark]

Synopsis: When Celestia mysteriously falls ill, the ponies of Equestria are stunned. Knowing that alicorns don't fall sick naturally, the mane six are determined to find out what, or who, is causing this. As Twilight Sparkle sets off on her own to find a cure (with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Spike secretly following), Luna struggles to rule Equestria without her sister by her side. Rarity starts pulling connections she'd made in Canterlot on previous visits to try and dig up any clues, and Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy return to Ponyville for more research.

Simultaneously, strange occurrences start to happen in Equestria, as Derpy and other Ponyville residents soon come to notice, and just where are the Cutie Mark Crusaders going this time? (Cutie Mark Crusaders Princess Savers, yeah!)

Meanwhile, deep within the depths of a forgotten mountain, an old enemy is stirring once more, his bonds finally weakening. With a dark chuckle, his plan, after millennia of waiting, is at last thrown into action.

Link to All Chapters:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15854/Harmonious-Chaos

It'd be amazing if you could review all the chapters, but it's completely okay if you only review one or two.

Comments/Requests:
The pre-readers at Equestria Daily said:
1) Your formatting could use some revision. When Luna is speaking to others or thinking to herself, you don't need to split her individual thoughts to their own paragraphs. You can consolidate a great deal of that.
2) Flat writing. There is a lot of 'First this. Then that. Over here. Then there. Then this happened.'
3) Scene setting. Your ponies seem to exist in a vacuum. There's no scenery to be had! Show us where the ponies are. Describe a vividly beautiful world. Show us, through your eyes and the eyes of the characters the castle. Celestia's chambers. How she looks as she lays bedridden. How the toll affects Luna.

Hopefully this isn't quite as applicable as it was before, as I've gone back and done some major editing, but I'm still nearly positive that the fic is not yet up to par for the standards of EQD, and I'd like to know what more I can do to improve upon it. If you choose to review this, then thank you very much!
>> No. 96097
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96097
>>96034
That picture of Luna :3333

Anyways, I guess it would be really nice to get a proper second-opinion on this little thing:

Tags: [Grimdark]? [Shipping] [Sad]
Title: A Case of You
Description: Struggling to come to terms with tragedy, Berry Punch turns to distraction. What happens when she meets an extraordinary pegasus, who immediately takes a place in her heart?
Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17363/A-Case-of-You
Or, if you like LyX: http://sparkydarks.deviantart.com/#/d4vmjb9
Characters: Berry Punch, Fluttershy
Status: Complete
Words: Worthlessness, alcoholism, depression, loneliness, love.
Author: Sparky

I sent it to EqD, thinking it would be nice to get something up there, but the pre-reader didn't really like it. I can understand his criticism, but I also think he kind of missed the point... I know pre-readers have busy schedules and all, so I didn't push it... I'll just copypaste what he said:

"I don't really know what to think about this story. It doesn't need a shipping tag.
Berry basically is sad/emo Berry, for no readily explainable reason. She's sad and she drinks. That's the extent of her emotions/motivation in this. She doesn't seem sad about her crush on Fluttershy, that really didn't even go anywhere. She's just sad in general. Then she's told if she drinks again, she'll die. So she does.

There needs to be an actual reason for this behavior and there isn't. You'll have to do a lot of work to show Berry's motives/reasons for being sad in the first place. i was first thinking it would be a sad/rejection fic, but the "shipping" isn't. It's not even developed to the point of unrequited love. All we know is that Berry is a sad drunk and then decides to kill herself drinking. If that's the extent of her character, then this is not ever going to go up."


I was trying to explore her connection with alcohol and how it's a double-edged sword (The prompt for the competition this was for...) and just generally seeing if I could present Berry Punch in a way other than the happy drunk. I thought the reason why she was depressed wasn't actually important, the important part of the story was her relationship with alcohol and how she tries to replace that with Fluttershy, but realizes that life never works that way. I don't know, maybe the pre-reader is right...

Should I include a scene where she goes home and reminisces about all her dead family and lost friends and goes all wangsty? I thought that might kind of ruin things...

tl;dr halp plz
>> No. 96104
>>96052

Chapter 1:

> Montrose boulevard
Wouldn't boulevard be capitalized.

> Montrose boulevard with its siren blaring
Perhaps: ... Montrose Boulevard, sirans blaring.

> The normally colorful buildings were smeared into a grey blur by the combination of speed and driving rain.
I'd delete this entirely. You're talking about speed, BAM! Weather, then back to speed.

> jet black sedan
But you said it was a police cruiser. Maybe it's just different from place to place, but aren't police cars black and white?

> All of this,
New paragraph, I do believe.

> outside his M.O.
They are cops, they get one M.O. stands for. I am not a cop, I do not get what M.O. stands for. You probably told me, but if you did, I forgot. Sorry. Also, remember that most your readers aren't cops either. They probably won't know what it stands for.

> Schaffer screamed at the closed window
Not at, through.

> "My point is this is about as fishy
You don't have him return to a normal tone of voice. You need to indicate somehow that he does so.

> He does have a point,
I'd reword this to be more dialogue rather than a thought.

> We haven't been this close since...
New paragraph for this little thought. Also, do I see an ellipse at the end of this line? I shouldn't. (Join this with the Barlow shivering part.)

> We are going to get him
Use the contraction of we are. We're.

> smiling at his partner
This just strikes me as wrong. Perhaps: grinning at his partner.

> Shaffer screeched the car to a halt and killed the siren.
You yourself do not screech a car to a halt. Perhaps: Shaffer slammed on the breaks, bringing the car to a screeching halt. He killed the siren as he jumped out.

> Schaffer, holding only
Rephrase: Shaffer only held his...

> no doubt by joyriding kids.
Not really important. You've already told us this place is run down (And implied it may be pretty ghetto.)

> As they stood, Schaffer asked the pertinent question.
I'd move this to be with his actual question.

> Don't worry, Hayden, we're coming for you.
And suddenly, a random name! You should probably mention the name earlier. Perhaps back when Schaffer is talking about the kidnapping. Or better yet, leave it out completely and intro Hayden in the next section just as you do.

> It was his existence, all that the poor boy could take in.
This implies it's been this way all his life. Add in 'right now' at the end.

> of his faculties.
Body works much for efficently in this case.

> an army of candles strewn across the floor.
When I picture army, I picture two possibilities. An organized, row by row, army or chaotically placed (such as a mob).

> Questions raced though his mind as tears raced to his eyes.
I would replace one of those 'raced's to avoid repeating yourself. Perhaps the first one to tumbled?

> His father's words
New paragraph.

> grinding metal, rusty hinges behind him opening and shutting.
Hinges don't open and close, doors do. Perhaps: grinding metal, rusty hinges of a door opening and shutting.

> The man ignored
New paragraph.

> Schaffer had no time to react
Perspective: It's in Barlows, he's currently in a vortext of blinding white light. How does he know about Schaffer?

A thing of note:

1. Describing your characters: You kinda throw in random descriptions of Barlow and Schaffer. It makes the rest of those paragraphs chunky. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure how to convey their descriptions. I.E. You mention that Shaffer is black, but you do it by telling us how his coloured face looks during the beginning conversation. Right now, it's probably not important that Shaffer is black.

Overall:
Wow, and I thought I liked the first version. But this version is so much more exciting in my opinion. Other than the first few chunky descriptions, this was good. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 96587
Yo, Lunar! So I finished my first draft of the next chapter. If the queue is still open, I humbly request your excellent services.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18G8u6bwqUeiW8VIH1YGJxBwdCWc-PEnWmtB00qi0ziI/edit
>> No. 96602
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96602
>>96063
Chapter 1:

> The creature, for he was in no way a pony
By saying creature, we can assume you don't mean pony.

> ever so slightly more.
You're next sentence tells us that the chains have been loosening. Delete 'more'.

> Years and years and years and years
You only need one set of years and years.

> the chains at last were showing
Move 'at last' to after 'were'.

> the fruits of his labor more evident by the day.
You've repeated this 3 times now. Stop it, it's like you really want us to know it when we already do.

> who he was or what he was
Condense to 'who or what he was...'.

> just that point.
Just that point? I bet he has more on his agenda besides being deadly. Delete 'just'.

> for…goodness
'Goodness' sounds really out of context.

> the older of the two alicorn sisters.
Thank you for telling us what we already know. In other words, don't.

> Now, he knew, he could tell, his plan
Delete either 'he knew' or 'he could tell'.

> his body was mortal,
Hm... so this mysterious prisoner is an immortal being trapped inside a mortal shell. It's been possibly 1000s of years. Something's not adding up here. A mortal body would have decayed by then. And even then, regardless of his magic, when a being is locked in a mortal shell, they generally lose a large chunk of their power. It goes with a mortal body not being able to handle that much power and whatnot.

> he let out a soft chuckle.
Seems passive. Either that, or telly. Perhaps: he chuckled softly.

> this serves more as a prologue than anything else
Then lable this a prologue instead of Chapter 1.

Chapter 2:

> The day Celestia fell to her knees was the day Equestria stood still.
I would advise against copy/pasting from your synopsis. Either reword or delete and find a new way to convey this message.

> Luna let out a strangled shout
Strangled shout seems wrong. You let out a strangled shout when there is already heavy emotion in the scene. As of now, there is none.

> She rushed forward
This she is unclear. The last she mentioned was Luna's sister, so that's who it would refer to.

> the former mare in the moon.
Watch out for LuS. (I will explain Lavender Unicorn Syndrome at the end.)

> What could it be? What could have happened?
Argh! Why are you asking me? I'm not in the story. Because, right now, you're asking the reader. Reword them so Luna is asking herself in thought.

> Celestia was invincible, practically a goddess!
So... she's a demigod? I always was under the impression she was a goddess.

> Goddesses didn’t fall to the ground.
And here you counterdict yourself. You say goddesses don't fall to the ground, yet you lable Celestia as only practically a goddess.

> the sun mare
LuS

> wobbled only slightly in
Delete only. It implies that she is actually relatively fine.

> “Stop. Right now.
Stop right there, criminal scum! *Cough cough*

> a pang went through Luna’s heart
A pang of what?

> “Luna, I know you’re worried
This paragraph focuses on what Luna knows, thus, this should be made a new paragraph under the new speaker rule.

> You art not a pony
Except she is a pony. Perhaps: You art not just a pony...

> We do not get sick!
Immortal doesn't mean immune. It gives you an immunity to dying from natural causes to an extent. I'm not sure of the exact rules, but immortals can become sick.

> , as evident by her past.
Again, you seem to like telling us obvious information.

> “Why art thou sick?”
Too soon to ask this. Too soon. She just apparently became sick. And do you ask people why their sick? No, you probably ask how they got sick.

> By all means
I don't know the exact way to phrase this other than 'By all means,' isn't the correct way to start this paragraph. I would start with 'All the signs...'.

> High temperatures and shivering
Delete that and.

> Yet, a dark part of Luna’s mind said
Yet? Yet what? Please, do tell.

> Not yet. Not ever.
Comma after 'yet'.

> a pseudo-goddess
A pseudo-goddess? So, she's a stand-in goddess, a figurehead if you will, and can raise the sun. I would call her a goddess.

> Something was terribly, terribly wrong.
Thank you for stating the obvious.

> white coat stark against the rich umber of the entrance.
Why are you describing his coat? Describe him! (By coat, I assume you mean lab coat or doctor's coat or whatever one calls it. It's assossiated with a doctor and the way you word it makes it sound like it's a coat coat rather than his hair coat.)

> and she cut off her stream of questions.
The combo of him holding up his hoof and speaking is enough to tell us he cut her off. Delete

> the moon mare'
LuS

> from everyone around her.
In pony fan fiction, the common word for everyone is everypony.

> It hit the wall with a loud bang
with a loud bang is boring. Spice it up. Perhaps: with a resounding bang.

> You should’ve told someone straight away!"
The common word in pony fics is somepony. Also, who would she tell? You make it sound like this is some rare, unknown disease. Replace someone with me.

> soft and cream-colored
Why are you describing the sheets to us?

> Normally this was the opposite,
This should be it. Also, I would replace opposite with other way around.

> (Or having gotten in the way of one of Celestia's pranks. She tended to be touchy about those.)
I would reword this to not require the parentheses. I hate them... I really do.

> her burden was eased as familiar magic
Please, Celestia couldn't even walk by the end of the day. How in all things holy would she be able to help lower the sun if she can't even do the simple things?

> radiance lightening the night sky.
Lightening? I think you meant brightening.

> How did Celestia manage to do this every single day when Luna was gone?
Again, don't ask the reader these questions.

> And speaking of Celestia...
Don't ever end a paragraph, or a line like this, with an ellipse. In this case, you probably need something to follow that ellipse.

> will get back to normal,
Will return to normal.

> Yes, alicorns could become exhausted
And there you have it! If an immortal being can suffer from a mortal's problem, then they can suffer from many of those problems.

> Tapestries of ancient enemies and magnificent battles hung the walls
Right now, you're just describing the hall. That doesn't make any sense since Luna isn't actually looking at them. Have Luna look at them or something.

> the purple mare
This is heavy LuS. Change it to she.

> gained a bit of its luster
I would put 'back' after 'gained'

> “Well, they say age makes you more mature.”
Obviously Luna hasn't heard Walt Dinsney's saying.

> Luna gave her sister a bemused look
Bemused is the wrong word to use for the situation. Just saying...

> the white mare
More LuS.

> “WHO?!”
Don't use all capital letters to show volume. The exclamation point and the speech tag are enough.

> Luna glanced behind her
Am... am I on camera? (Hint: Why does she look behind herself?)

> It was worse.
These single liners can usually go back with the previous paragraph or with the next paragraph.

> twenty-four hours,
I don't think you need that comma.

> “Princess Luna!” Twilight cried
New paragraph.

> that the purple mare
Blatent use of LuS.

> corridors topped by ceiling masterpieces and passed under soaring arches cut from the finest marble
Again, why are you describing this stuff if Luna isn't looking at them. (Remember her perspective. We can only hear, see, feel, what she hears, sees, and feels.)

> No, not too bad.
BS... Twilight of all ponies could be trusted with hearing about the incident between Luna and Celestia earlier.

> Luna marveled
New Paragraph.

> with her muzzle
I generally use snout. Muzzle sounds... rough on pony anatomy.

> me and created Nightmare Moon, and Discord
Reword to get rid of one of those ands.

> looking fiercer than Luna ever recalled seeing the blue mare.
You know, out of the two times she's seen RD. She didn't look very fierce either time.

> Rarity added
Woops, formatting issues!

> As the Elements of Harmony bowed
The Elements of Harmony didn't bow. The embodiments of them bowed. (Hint: Don't use Elements of Harmony here.)

> If the situations were reversed, Celestia would step up
Like she has for the past 1000 years? I know what you mean, but I'm just pointing it out...

Some things of note:

1. In chapter 1, you pretty much repeat the same thing over and over. It tells us three things. The beast is nearly free, he's been planning revege, and he's immortal. You could say the same thing and do so much more to give us a better picture of what or who he is. (Yes, even without directly telling us.)

2. Comment confusion! Yes, I noticed your A/N. If I were you, I'd just delete those comments, apologize and move on. The last thing you want is confused readers.

3. LuS: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, specific traits, or race of a pony to describe who is doing what. This is only okay if the MC doesn't know the other pony.

4. You ask the readers questions. Don't! We aren't in the story. Usually, the pony is asking him/herself. Reword those to be thoughts.

5. Those parentheses. You put them in like 'in case you didn't know' facts. Please don't. They can easily be reworded to be conveyed without the use of parentheses.

6. All those single liners: You could merge many of them with the previous or next paragrpah. Do so.

Overall:

I'm not going to lie, this is shaping up to be a new version of "Dangerous Business". Sure, you have some twists, but you're going to have to work hard to prevent people from just calling it a knockoff. And I believe you can.

Okay, I'm going to drop this after chapter 2. Why, you ask? Because you'll need to prove to me that you're serious about this story before I continue. Don't just tell me, show me. Make the corrections and come back. I'll gladly look at it again. (If my thread hasn't hit autosage by then.)

Anyways, good luck and keep writing!
>> No. 96616
[Sad] [Tragedy]

Synopsis: There was once a time when Celestia's rule was in its infancy. Thrust into power after her miracle of raising the sun, Celestia deals with the luxuries and responsibilities of being a ruler. After she loses control of her power, resulting in a national tragedy, she begins to wonder just what it means to be a leader with no one and nothing to answer to.

I've only gotten the first chapter done so far, about 3400 words. I'm hoping that the final scene of this chapter is intense enough, so pointers on that would help.

Thanks in advance!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pb1M9do846mm6EQGrzkXY5wHDRUHn1yR32KN4W2gDSw/edit
>> No. 96621
>>96602

Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to look into those corrections, though I'll admit, I don't necessarily agree with absolutely /everything/ you said - I wish I had more time to respond, but I'm heading out of town for the next few days. When I get back, I'll give your review a proper response.

Also, I have no idea what "Dangerous Business" is...^^; I'll be sure to look it up.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to review! I'll write up a proper response and do the edits in a few days. Thanks again!
>> No. 96632
>>96621
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/04/its-dangerous-business-going-out-your.html

I really doubt it's any other at this point.
>> No. 96643
Title: Aetiology
Tags: [Dark] [Adventure] [Long] [History]

Synopsis:
When an accident thrusts Spark Shadow out of a dark cave for the first time in a thousand years, he is forced to leave his family at the mercy of a tyrannical alicorn king. In order to rescue them, he reluctantly becomes Starswirl the Bearded’s apprentice. But he quickly learns that immortality is no blessing, and as Spark and his family discover their roles in Equestrian history, they are confronted by a darkness that has followed them into the light.

Links:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m_2K6MfaQCJxIFjhlWZbvKWesjQLgaczUNWoNvKwO14/edit
Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BcG5-zYj_6s2zv-4-sKXvZBbHOUyNJ3xCuQIkwIC8P0/edit
Chapter Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HkwK--8HRR70J1ZSq4Dh0-cdd-WrHGJDQJqmcg8MEWA/edit
Chapter Three: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10fuuWXuK1SVT3NZUPcObJ9feR-zv5En7whM4ON8egFw/edit

This fic is 40k words long at the moment and is nowhere near finished. I fully understand if it takes you forever to review it or if you give up after the first chapter or two (although I sincerely hope that you don't, because I really need at least one person to review the latest chapter). I've gotten it reviewed thrice before - two reviewed the prologue, the other reviewed the prologue through to chapter two; I've made corrections since. All the reviewers have said that it is very good and has an interesting premise, so I hope that will motivate you to want to review all of it.

I'm horrible with synopses, so the short version is this: it's the history of Equestria starring immortal ponies (and Starswirl the Bearded) who get to experience it all while dealing with their own problems. It's going to be really long when it's over. It's also 99% OC ponies and locations.
>> No. 96660
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96660
>>96097

> Berry Punch needed to drink.
Right off the bat, I see formatting issues. You appear to favor no line in between paragraphs, so keep it consistant.

> a drink beside her and her head resting on the counter.
You could rearrange this sentence to it flows smoothly. Perhaps: The plu-coloured mare sat at the bar, her head resting on the counter next to a half full drink.

> She had almost exhausted the bar’s supply of whiskey
Eh... I don't know much about bars, but wouldn't they be well stocked?

> They all did.
Who does 'they' refer to? Replace it with 'everypony'.

> Her vacant gaze had a hint of sadness
At this moment, you are telling the story from the barkeeper's perspective. If Berry's mane is covering her face (as implied), then how can she see the vacant gaze?

> , you know.”
You get a bit repetative. I would suggest deleting this.

> and clopped quietly
Clop clop clop! Damn the stigma this fandom has given clop! I would use trotted.

> Outside the windows was pitch-black night
Ehh... this is kinda iffy in my opinion. Not sure if you have to do anything about it, though.

> She frowned in sadness
As of right now, this she refers back to Berry. Use 'The barkeeper' or 'the barmaid' or something.

> delicate, precious; fragile.
Not sure if you need that fragile there, because delicate and fragile practically mean the same thing.

> I was sitting at a table in
Woops, formatting!

> The daffodil sandwich in front of me lay untouched.
Honestly, this doesn't sound much like something someone would say in actual dialogue. Perhaps: I wasn't really in the mood to eat, though. (This would go under the catagory of 'why do we care what type of sandwich she has?')

> I had no-one to go with
You don't need that hyphan.

> the craziest, pinkest mare
And now we start wandering into LuS syndrom.

> “there’s nothing wrong with the sandwich....”
One, that ellipse should be three periods, not one. Two, it would go right before 'there's'.

> “You’re waiting for Fluttershy and Rarity, right?”
The phrase 'you're waiting for' was just used a few sentences back. Perhaps: It's Fluttershy and Rarity, right?" (In other words, I would just drop the 'you're waiting' part.)

> in right next to my neck expectantly.
Neck? Err... I can sort of see what you're going for. I would personally just go with 'leaned in to me expectantly.' Though, this could probably be more of a personal preference.

> , really, shy.”
I don't think you need that second comma.

> “I know, Pinkie...”
Don't end with ellipses in paragrpahs (or single lines like this.) In this case, you'll probably want to add an action after the dialogue. Something like Berry rolling her eyes.

> The first, and only time I had met Fluttershy had been in Shots’ bar.
I don't think you'll actually need a scene change because it's still Berry talking to Pinkie Pie about an experience in the bar.

> It froze me and thawed me at the same time
'Thawed'... What, is Berry a slab of meat? I would choose somthing like 'warmed'.

> pleading me to let her in.
I wouldn't go with 'let her in'. Perhaps: let her ease my sadness.

> “Just don’t cry, okay? Whatever it is...”
Again with that ellipse. Add in an action tag afterwards.

> sniff back the rest of my tears.
You don't sniff back tears. You would wipe them away. (You snort back the boogers threatening to drip out... ewww...)

> The feeling. The emotion.
Comma after feeling, 'the emotion.'.

> Now I was staring at Fluttershy’s cottage.
And where did they go that chewed up so much time? You could transition into this scene very nicely without the scene change. You could take that time to explore why Berry was acting the way she was that night. You could take that time to explain why Fluttershy was at a bar of all places. (Yes, I see Dashie's bday, but that's not good enough. There's nothing to suggest that Dashie would set hoof in a bar anyways. There are cooler ways to celebrate your bday.)

> made it sickeningly homely and inviting.
You describe it as lovely, then sickeningly. This doesn't make senes. So... you're saying that Berry can't stand to look at it?

> Pinkie shouted up at the second floor window.
Even Pinkie has a certain amount of logic. She would probably knock on the door and then yell into that little window in it.

> On one hand, Pinkie
Hand? What is this madness?!

> to Fluttershy proper
Hehe, proper as used now is the term for the main city area. (Or something like that. It's a part of a city anyways. It oculd also be part of any large area that has an area that is technically part of it, but not really.) You want 'properly'.

> A-Are you okay, Berry?” Fluttershy trotted up to me
How? FS is in the second story window.

> candles dotted around
I would use scattered around.

> lighting was off—
I would replace that dash with a period.

> She soon returned with two steaming
New paragraph.

> my back, squeezing me
Hehe, squeezing. I would just go with hugging.

> “I guess Pinkie didn’t tell you… You’ve
That ellipse should be a comma, you've.

> Wait, what? Going for help? What’s going on?
Okay, your other questions that weren't in dialogue were okay because we all know that Berry was actually voicing them to Shots, but you don't think when physically telling a story to someone.

> My mouth and throat all felt like sandpaper.
Repetative use of throat. Perhaps: My entire mouth felt like...

> I then felt the colt’s
One, delete then. Two, colt is a young pony. I'm pretty sure you actually want stallion.

> The buck shrugged.
Have her recognize the stallion as the doctor. Then replace buck with doctor.

> a good six hours
Hehe, six friends, six hours. I would consider either changing the time or changing the number of friends. (I would change the number of friends, because besides PP and FS, the others don't really have a reason to be there.)

> The buck trotted
Is the doctor now a deer?

> she sobbed into my shoulder.
Mushy, even for Fluttershy.

> My special talent is suicide!
No, her special talent is pressing berries into fruit juices. (Though we all know it's really into alcohol, but the show can't downright say that.) Drinking just happens to be a side effect of pressing berries.

> I wanted to.
Move this back with the previous paragraph.

> another shock. Huh.
Why is that 'huh' in there?

> She was grinding her hoof against the floor
Grinding is a harsh term. I would use shuffling.

> Go away! AWAY!
Don't make the mistake of capitalizing all the letters in a word.

> “You’ve drunk again!”
She still is: "You're drinking now!"

> It was so, blissfully quiet.
Except for Berry telling the tale, the story was from Shot's perspective. Any time you're in the bar, in the present time, I would keep it in Shot's perspective. That being said, This whole section should be rewritten in my opinion. It would be a great way to drag to death out longer so it's not just 'Berry finishes the story, Berry dies."

Some things of note:

1. You have a light case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrom. Not very bad, but you could defidently work on it.
2. You have a very vague, very poor reason to have Fluttershy in the bar. Bars are usually filled with patrons, so Fluttershy doesn't really have a reason to single out Berry. Give her a better reason than something mentioned in passing. Perhaps where I mentioned taking out that line break and adding more, explain how it was closing, Dash's bday party was a special, private thing at the bar, and Fluttershy notices Berry, who had refused to leave on grounds of she's still drinking, etc. Have fun, give a good, more elaborate reason.
3. Ellipses, don't end paragraphs or single liners with them. Most of the time a simple period will work.

Overall:

I kinda agree with the prereader. It doesn't need the shipping tag, because it's one sided. Also, you really could expand. A scene at her house would be nice. The scene should include an insight into Berry's life. I.E. What was it that drives her to drink. Explore why she may love Fluttershy. Tell us about what Berry may or may not want to do. Stuff like that. It'd be easy to include it in the tale that Berry tells Shots.

The end really bugs me. Berry... just dies. That's it. I suggested that you switch to Shot's perspective, like the beginning of the story and draw the death scene out. Have Shots take Berry to the hospital, have Clear try to revive her. Stuff like that would make the death scene that much better.

This story has a lot of potential, it really does. I believe you can finish it. Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 96664
File 133426524678.png - (146.52KB , 600x338 , Bye.png )
96664
Well, this is it. I hit autosage. I look around at all the reviews, the responses, the requests and kinda chuckle to myself. It was fun while it lasted. There were good stories, there were bad stories, just like there were good responses, there were bad responses. Overall, this has been an enjoyable experience. Will I continue reviewing? Hell yeah, you guys made it worth the time. Will I open a second thread? Perhaps, but not for a bit. I'll pop into ttg from time to time and I have a list of authors that I still want to hear back from.

I'd just like to say, thank you all. You made this well worth it. I wouldn't trade all those hours looking at your stories for anything in the world. Except for a billion dollars... maybe.

Yours Truely,
LunarShadow, detective and pony enthusiast.

---

In other news:

I still have a queue and I intend to finish it. I am no longer accepting stories in this thread, but I will take care of the ones that were there when I hit autosage. They are as follows:

>>96587
>>96616
>>96643- Err... just a note: I have recently made it a policy to only do the first few chapters. That way, I haven't wasted too much time if an author see's a large review and decides to just go his/her way and ignore the changes.

Also, a list of authors I really would like to see in my e-mail. I've dropped it in my tripcode, so feel free to shoot me a story. If your name isn't on the list, and you think it should be, go ahead and shoot me an e-mail asking why. You can also talk to me in my private channel on the Canternet IRC under #LSStudy.

Anyways, the list in no particular order:

Casca
Faintpony
Kurbz
Jake the Army Colt
Papyra Scribe
Turner_Symphon (If he's still around and working on Burning Heart. I really want to read more.)
Zamoonda
Simon_o_Sullivan
IdleProse
Professor Toast

I'm also pretty lenient with other reviewers who'll do favors for me. (Such as reviews, drawings, etc...)
>> No. 96670
File 133426627237.jpg - (67.64KB , 595x649 , 77541 - Ditzy_Doo Scrunchy_Face artist whitediamonds confetti derpy_hooves party_hat salute.jpg )
96670
>>96664
For reasons.
>> No. 96671
File 133426640948.jpg - (19.10KB , 300x263 , 84054 - Ditzy_Doo artist%3Aa8702131 derpy_hooves derpy_hooves_approves.jpg )
96671
I was going to sage this comment, then realized it wouldn't make a difference.
:p
>> No. 96672
File 133426696005.jpg - (23.49KB , 480x360 , brohoof.jpg )
96672
>>96664
It's been a hell of a ride, LunarShadow. I can't thank you enough for the help you've given me on my writing. I'm honored to be included on your list. Can't wait for your next thread!
>> No. 96684
>>96664
>Err... just a note: I have recently made it a policy to only do the first few chapters. That way, I haven't wasted too much time if an author see's a large review and decides to just go his/her way and ignore the changes.

That's fine with me; do what you will. I'll be happy with as much of a review as you can give me. And while I can assure you that I take reviews very seriously, I'm not here to change your policy.
>> No. 96693
File 133427649756.gif - (24.46KB , 120x120 , 131760767137.gif )
96693
>>96660
Thanks again, LS! I'll be going over this as soon as I have time.
I need to run, but anyways, thank you so very much! I'm sure I can get this thing really nailed now.

Thanks!
>> No. 96729
>>95986
Thanks! I disagree with most of your line edits, but your "Overall" is spot on. You're right that a story with so much more dialogue than action will never be very popular. But I really /do/ like stories with dialogue, which can be much more interesting than action - to me, at least. One question is whether my way of writing is bad, or merely unpopular. And another is whether that distinction is real, or matters.

I don't know whether there's a way to tell the kinds of psychological stories that I want to tell, that will appeal to a lot of people; or whether trying to widen my audience would simply destroy my stories. I don't want to write something novel-length to tell something the size of a short story, just so that I can dilute it with enough action sequences to keep peoples' attention.
>> No. 96731
>>96664

I made the cut? Yay!

Again, thanks for the work you've done with my story. My deadline for posting chapter two is in a week and a half, so I'm cracking on the editing as we speak. Oh, how my weaknesses as a writer begin to rear their ugly heads... I'll shoot it off to you as soon as I can make it presentable!

In the meantime, take care and have fun :D
>> No. 96738
File 133429332582.jpg - (92.48KB , 1053x500 , 9tB7N.jpg )
96738
>>96664
Congrats! Also, why did I make the cut, I'd have to actually finish a chapter before I could get reviews :P

In celebration, have some Luna.
>> No. 96742
File 133429681892.png - (467.21KB , 640x410 , 125755 - artist SpeccySY Blinkie_Pie Inkie_pie Kingdom_Hearts luna pinkie_pie.png )
96742
>>96664
Duuuude. Dang right it's been a heckuva journey. What else can I say but this: Thanks, and I look forward to continue to work with you! =)

I don't have much in the way of pictures, but have this badass Inky Pie.
>> No. 96792
File 133434016337.gif - (70.30KB , 442x302 , GreatJob.gif )
96792
God dammit... always late to the party.

Well done, mister Shadow, well done.
>> No. 96877
>>96664

Just as a heads up, I finished the second chapter. It's only about another 2500 words or so.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i7KnxJR0RZW2O8s6GjZGOlXWoQlYK8xDk6zRGOQ1Nfo/edit

Just to keep everything in one post, here is the link to chapter one again:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pb1M9do846mm6EQGrzkXY5wHDRUHn1yR32KN4W2gDSw/edit

One other reviewer said that Celestia seems too much like a "Disney Princess" at the beginning, and Eustasian Wings said I need more of a hook, which I kinda agree with.

Thanks in advance :) And congratulations on having such a successful review thread!
>> No. 97091
>>96587

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Berry Punch and Lyra seem ooc in their first appearance. They use words that remind me more of that creepy old aunt or grandma that pinches your cheek and tells you what a good kid you are, even though you're 28.

2. That whole scene with Luna? I would place it differently. If you started with it and did a better job of connecting it with Pomeroy's arrival. Perhaps how she can somehow sense that it's a portal of some sort opening up and she goes to research what type of portal would be required to release that much magic.

3. The whole two picnic scenes don't really hold any significance other than that little tid-bit with Fluttershy and the chickens. You know, where we learn that animals can 'sense' danger. Give it more significance. Maybe for added irony, they could be talking about lack of crime in Equestria or something like that.

4. The ending is just sudden. Berry Punch stumbles across pony Pomeroy, then bam... she's dead, end chapter. You could draw it out without going into the whole blood and gore. Have him botch up the spell because he's new to the body and all. Have Berry run, but have him catch her. Stuff like that.

Overall:

This chapter really left a lot to be desired. It had very little significance to the main story and what there was felt incomplete.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 97613
>>96877

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Ellipses, keep them a consistent 3 periods. Don't end paragraphs with them. Only use them if the pause is significant, otherwise, use a comma.

2. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, specific trait, or race of a pony to describe who's doing what. Don't fall into this trap. Unless we don't know squat about the pony, use their name or pronouns.

3. You seem to have a habit of just describing things. Don't forget to mention how a particular pony is looking around or noticing it or it's just a random info dump. On that note, I didn't notice any instances of it, but I'll remind you anyways: Don't forget the small actions. Things don't just happen.

Overall:

This is a very nice insight into what the Princesses' life are like before the Nightmare Moon incident. I honestly like it. It's a little rushed and a little detail heavy at points, but otherwise I feel it's pretty good.

That prologue you added in could easily be a memory later on in the story, don't forget that.

Other than that, I have nothing. Good luck my friend and keep writing!
>> No. 98707
File 133522854806.png - (1.12MB , 1200x900 , cs.png )
98707
>>72525
Link: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B17yon8mwl6TMzQ1MWQ3MWUtNGJiOS00ODc3LTg5NzQtYzA1MWE4NzNiMjQw
Synopsis: "The course of true love never did run smooth." Caramel, Braeburn, and the Elements of Harmony had long abandoned any hope of finding love in their lives. Granted, a few had their dreams of a certain somepony, but that's all they were to them: dreams. That is until Winter Wrap-Up, where Caramel's clumsiness sets off a chain of events that could lead either to the betterment of everypony or to a schism between the Elements. Visions, reappearances, secrets, and histories attack ten ponies who begin to feel love's gentle warmth. Before all is told, each will have to battle his or her demons to find love waiting on the other side.
Tags: [Shipping][Sad][Comedy][Slice of Life]
Notes: This is my first fic, but by no means do I want leniency. Still, please keep anything you write in good taste. Please sign comments.
>> No. 99772
MUST POST BEFORE QUEUE GETS CLOGGED!

Alright, I've gained a bit of notoriety in the fandom as a sadfic/tragedy author. As much as I appreciate the responses those stories have gotten, and as much as I loved writing them, I decided the time is ripe for me to give comedy a shot.

This story's purpose is twofold: first and foremost, it's a satire. Basically, Twilight becomes obsessed with spiders the same way that many bronies have become obsessed with MLP. After a brief period of being a closet spony (yes, spony), she "comes out" and attempts to get everypony in Ponyville to join what she calls "The Spider Squad."

What I mainly trying to do is get bronies to look at themselves and realize that, while My Little Pony is an excellent show, we need to understand why people think it's a little silly, just like Twilight needs to do in this story. So, could you tell me if the parallel between Twilight's obsession and brony community is believable?

Second, it's supposed to be a comedy. I've gotten good responses from the people who had read it so far, but I really need to know if you find it humorous. If you don't, major rewrites are in order. As an aside to that, if some of the dialogue seems strange or unrealistic, that's probably intentional; there's some surrealistic humor in this piece.

Lastly, this isn't complete just yet. It'll probably be in the neighborhood of 9,000-10,000 words when all is said and done. However, I wanted to make that the satire part made sense, and that the comedy was...well, comedic before I continued.

Info below:

1) Tags: Satire, Comedy, Slice of Life

2) Title: Eight Legged Friends

3) Synopsis: When Spike grows suspicious of Twilight's new secretive attitude, he goes on the hunt and ultimately discovers Twilight's new pet: a massive Daddy Long Legs, the product of a Growth Spell gone awry. He attempts to contain the problem as Twilight's obsession deepens, spreading not just to the rest of the Mane 6, but Ponyville as a whole.

4) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xlfQtn35hKKlc9POc4UVHVnnPEFURXRY4mTUWSgZSTQ/edit

Thanks so much for your help!
>> No. 99859
>>98707
>>99772

Psst... sorry you two, but my thread has been autosaged for awhile now. I've switched to private 'by e-mail only' reviews for the time being. List of authors who I'm accepting stories from a dozen or so posts above.
>> No. 100314
>>99859
crap... somebody needs to change that on list of review threads. this is the second time this has happened to me
>> No. 102420
I know you don't really want anyone to post in here, but I felt I needed to say this.

I'm back, and this time, I'm not going to let anything get in the path of Earthside!
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