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72525 No. 72525
Alright, listen closely. I am Jmozziel, private investigator of pony fan fiction. Come to me and I'll examine your story. I will find plot holes, OOC characters, and anything that makes the reader go what the buck. However, I am not the be all to end all. I find my grammar skills lacking and will send you to another reviewer for a grammar check.

The Rules:

1. Read the sticky.
2. If you drop a Crossover fiction in my thread, I'll probably send you elsewhere. Though there are a few I will look at. (List down below)
3. I don't want to be bombed with surprise clop fictions or Cupcake like dark stories. You must tell me what your story is about.
4. This is a review thread. Do not expect me to come out telling you how pretty your story is.
5. All stories have potential. I will never tell you to give up on an idea. However, I will tell you to scrap a bad write and start over if I find your story lacking.
6. I reserve the right to drop a story. If I do, I will tell you why. Most likely it will be because of grammar so horrible it's obvious even to me or for rule 5.
7. Comment, comment, comment. Tell me if I point out something you think was correct in the first place. I can clarify if needed.

Crossovers I can do:
World of Warcraft
Dead Space
Starcraft 1 (Note: Only Terran or Zerg please, I'm still working on the last bit of Zerg and Protoss)
Legend of Zelda

Last word, If I fall behind on reviewing, it's because I'm writing my own story. However, I promise that I'll try to stay as up-to-date as possible. Let the posting begin!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 72532

Glad to see another review thread going up! I'd offer mine up for the initial sacrifice, but it's already being butchered by some fine reviewers and frankly there's enough blood on the walls as is.

Good luck, and remember, love and tolerance!
>> No. 72534
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Hi Jmozziel. I give you my"No Rest for the Wicked: story to review. I'm non-native English speaker and my work have grammar problems but i don't ask you for proofread I would like to get conception review.

Title: ” No Rest for the Wicked”
Synopsis: Demon pacts, grimdark and Trixie, ,occult, necromancy,ghosts, things from beyond. Ponies doing bad things with good intentions. Not a crossover but less sugarcube interpretations of the MLP.
Tags: Tragedy, Sad, Grimdark

Chapter 1: "No Rest for the Wicked"
Chapter 2: "No Rest for the Wicked: Rebirth"
Chapter 3: "No Rest for the Wicked: Lesser Evil"
>> No. 72602
Quick, before your line gets too long! I hope you don't mind if I blabber a little bit before I let you get to work.

This is war-style grimdark, but there's other grim and other dark things in there. Nothing like Cupcakes, but consider yourself warned. There's nothing that doesn't have a purpose, however.

Also, and before you call the police, let me explain: there will be human-pony shipping. This isn't a brony-self-insert-shipfic-with-favorite-character, not by a long shot. The ship comes out through a long and arduous conflict, and this is the key point: it will make sense. I'm not shy about sharing the full synopsis as it is; if you like, I'll email it to you.

I just recently rewrote the synopsis, and I'd like your opinion on it as well.

As for the general review, I'm not afraid of harsh criticism, and I won't mind if you take a pair of tweezers and magnifying glass to the characters and plot; please just support your assertions logically. I don't mind opinions if I know they're opinions. Grammar shouldn't be a problem as I preread it myself and it should become clear very quickly that my writing is nice and clean.


Staff Sergeant James Reichert, US Army, is serving a tour of duty in Iraq as a translator. At home he has a devoted wife, Sarah, and a beautiful daughter, Haley, who is an avid fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Haley makes him watch the show with her when he is on leave.

Until now, he considered My Little Pony to be just a show for little girls, filled with group hugs and mushy things like fashion and friendship. But when he's killed in action trying to save a local kid from the crossfire, he finds that he's been "rewarded" with a second chance in his daughter's fantasy world.

Now, James must face the crushing realization that Equestria isn't as Utopian as he thought it was, and find a way to live in this harshly real world. He'll find himself in the middle of a plot to fundamentally change Equestria for the worse, and that he's the only one to see it coming.

>> No. 72654
Some general things:

You know its a problem when your best written characters are the unimportant ones. You have Trixie portrayed as weak, brown-nosing pony. She is naturally a boaster. She would boast of her skills. She wouldn't stoop to as low as a pony pretending to be some sort of crappy magician. She is "The Great and Powerful Trixie" afterall.

The Lady: She seems very air headed. She tells Trixie that she likes her, then tells Trixie that she wants her killed. Then she offers Trixie a chance DESPITE the fact that Trixie told her that she was worthless at exorcisms. You try to slap us with a description of The Lady's personality. This doesn't work, you spread it randomly through-out the story. You could very easily give us a picture of The Lady's personality just by the way she speaks and reacts to situations.

Plot: You start with Trixie getting up after being kidnapped. We have no idea why she was in Clodbergen. Then you have this situation that you don't even tell us about until the middle. You think The Lady would mention it earlier. Trixie banishes the demons that even the great Star Swirl couldn't beat. Then you brush aside The Lady, the most important pony in the city. End story with a mysterious pony in Trixie's head.

Overall? You have a good idea. However, the support for it falls flat and the OC was meh as was Trixie. You detract from the story with the random descriptions of The Lady's personality. You have have tons of loose ends that need elaboration to make work. Lastly, you spent a lot of time telling us about events, rather then showing us.

Here, have a gdocs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lU38BmEqvePCfa3UuSL3J4b_VjaFLNev4Klxw7qd1Ys/edit

Hope this makes everything clear.
>> No. 72656
Some general things:

Trixie is more in character in this chapter then the first, but still she acts in ways she shouldn't sometimes.

Prince Blueblood: You have him going from a murder to a self-righteous ruler, repeatedly. Then on top of that you take his vanity a few steps to far. He's vain, but not an asshole. I also don't think that he's the type of pony that sleeps with anypony he can get his hooves on, otherwise he would have tried to get in bed with Rarity back in the Grand Galloping Gala episode... Or it would have been implied. Overall, he has this very self centered view of what nobility should be in canon.

Plot: All I have to say is... This was very weakly linked to chapter 1. You didn't explain WHY Trixie was with Prince Blueblood. You switched perspectives from a Trixie Fiction to a Prince Blueblood Fiction. Whats it going to be? You seem to want Trixie, so how about telling the whole thing from Trixie's perspective. Tell us about her continued adventures with the mysterious pony in her head. Have her discover the picture of the mare (But Blueblood takes it of course, and releases the evil inside). Except for the far and few between mentions to the first chapter and the very ending, this could probably stand as its own fiction.

I would suggest rewriting the whole thing from Trixie's view and have it coincide more with the first chapter.

Though, to be honest, I really did like the ending. Please, keep that. Justice was dealt to Prince Blueblood! Cheers!

Here, have a link to the review it should provide a closer look:
>> No. 72659
TL;DR - The middle section nearly killed me with boredom and made me quit it early.

Its middle section really hurts. It's just a big section trying to justify Frost Crystal's past actions. You mentioned at the start of the section that Frost Crystal knew something was trying to kill him, but the argument was so long that I got bored and never got to the reason as to why something wanted to kill him. On top of that, this isn't really a chapter so much as a side story. (Perhaps it would go between chapters 1 and 2? A chapter 1.5 if you will?)

This is a story told by Frost Crystal to Trixie. It's told from the perspective of Acid... That makes no sense. Having been in his library the whole time, how would he know what transpired outside between Acid and the Mayor?

I really am interested in a side story about Frost Crystal, but this needs to be rewritten. This is Frost Crystal's story. Tell it from his perspective. Don't spend so much time trying to justify his past actions. There is no action and just comes off as really boring. Stick with the idea of something trying to kill Frost Crystal and perhaps have him seek the help of Acid (Who he would meet somehow in town). Acid would reluctantly agree (Because of past actions that you would mention BRIEFLY). Then you have a conflict to expand on (Frost Crystal Vs. Mysterious force) and a side conflict (Frost Crystal Vs. Acid).

Do not give up on this fiction. I can see it this as being a really great story.
>> No. 72741
>This is a story told by Frost Crystal to Trixie. It's told from the perspective of Acid... That makes no sense. Having been in his library the whole time, how would he know what transpired outside between Acid and the Mayor?
Because its story of Acid… Frost Crystal is a Wizard a side character of this drama. Trixie Master is Acid Cookie!
> It's just a big section trying to justify Frost Crystal's past actions.
It’s a world building part. I describe the Middle-Age Equestria from the point of view of ponies living in those times. I wanted to make a world building part about times between ancient rule of Discord and sizing full power by Alicorn Sisters. Times between two great events that changed Equestria. Times in the middle, Middle-Age. Those are times after Discord rule and after discovering Equestria but before the power was fully established by Luna and Celestia. I had to make some world building description and I made it in the dialog between Acid Cookie and Frost Cristal. I’m sorry you found that to be boring. I will try to make it more interesting.
>> No. 72761

I see. That was my bad then. For some reason it seemed like you wanted Frost Crystal to be Trixie Master.

As for world building... I was just trying to imply that there were better ways to build it then to have two ponies talk about it.
>> No. 72775
I'm taking it back to the drawing board. I'll be back soon.
>> No. 72782

Right then. I finished this before you withdrew your request. So here, have some comments. Hopefully they'll help.

> layers of his Army Combat Uniform (Desert Sand 500 model)

We don't need to know the exact model.

> Every now and then, a car or truck would go by that was, easily enough observed, not owned by the US Government or its contractors.

We don't really need to know who owns (or rather, who doesn't) own this road. Describe the street if it's that important to you.

> James’ patrol partner, Private Garcia, was a short Mexican kid

Right, a kid in war. Well not unheard of in other countries, I don't think that America would use kids.

> James wasn’t the smartest brick in the wall

Personal opinion: I haven't heard this before. Perhaps a more recognizable one like: "sharpest took in the shed"

> holding his gun as if he was in a war or something.

He is in a war. Perhaps try : "holding his gun as if he was about to go into combat or something."

> —often associated with the Shriners.

Is this fact really important?

> making him cringe and duck inside it

One, this makes him sound like he's afraid of James. Two, He ducks into his halmet? Hmm... Perhaps better word choice?

> leaving Garcia to his own devices.

This makes it sound like he left Garcia. He didn't leave him, just ignored him. Anyways, I think that Garcia, being a rookie and all, would insist that they stay as close together as possible.

> Garcia turned back to James. “Stop calling me ‘kid’, sir. I’m twenty-three.”

You said earlier that Garcia was JUST out of his teens. Twenty-three seems a little far to be JUST out of his teens. Mayhaps twenty-oneish would work better?

> As they walked, Pvt. Garcia suddenly piped up,

And then suddenly you use aycromyms and titles. Either use the title EVERYTIME you refer to Garcia, not at all, or until Garcia requests to stop being called Private. As for aycronyms, I guess they're ok. Just be careful with them.

> “I get what you’re sayin’, Sarge, but I don’t see how it relates to my question...”

The kid isn't very bright is he? James answered his question pretty damn well I'd say.

> Garcia nodded, almost solemnly.

Solemnly seems like the wrong word to use here. The next part says he looked gung-ho. Perhaps "reluctantly" would be a better word?

> When they were finished, finally settling some of the locals inside a small deli

Hmm... This sounds like they gathered all the civilians up at once.

> James nodded dutily. Hero time.

Hero time... Hmm... James seem to have a good head on his shoulders. Shouldn't he have kept Garcia with him? (You know, protacol and such?)
>> No. 72783
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Empty queue? We can't have that now can we?

Tags: [Shipping][Grimdark]
Synopsis: Sweetie Belle is missing in the Everfree Forest on Nightmare Night. With everypony else busy, it falls to Twilight and Rarity to find her.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12QR9kyBJrUBDHYuJHIZ36Eb0n3apLFruYhiq28gbRDs/edit?hl=en_US
Special Requests: Focus on the plot and development please. I have some changes I already mean to do after I finish some other revisions so grammar and stuff may change.
>> No. 72785

Thank you for your time. The prologue is the section I'm most dissatisfied with. It no longer fits my vision of where the story should be going.

So that it doesn't seem that your efforts were in vain, I'll message you on FiMFiction when the redraft is ready to be viewed by human eyes.

Have a nice day. I'll be sure to recommend you to my friends.
>> No. 72791

Comments in-doc.

Some things of note:

> “I give up,” Twilight moaned,

This whole paragraph seems misplaced. She reads the letter, starts dreading the writing of her paper, and then gives up without actually going back to the paper. I think this would go well right after Twilight starts trying to write her paper, but before she receives Princess Celestia's response.

> “Have... have you ever caught yourself thinking about somepony, more than you probably should?”

I don't know what your trying to do here. The situation is severe enough enough with the lost filly and all that I would think both their minds would be preoccupied with the search. I think this would go well at the mysterious area that Twilight teleports them too. After the close call with the spider, of course.


This is a story of great intrigue, but not much plot yet. I think you could expand on the search alot better, I think you could expand on Twilight's inner turmoil much much more, and I think you could go into more detail about what Rarity thinks about this whole thing. There really isn't much in the conflict of the story otherwise.And Really? Killing SB? That's a real slap to the face. That'll do well to discourage readers from continuing. Especially if you write a second chapter. You could go with SB being gravely injured. That would get more people to read more, if not to just find out whether SB survives or not.

You got this. I already look forward to reading more!

There is a second chapter, right?
>> No. 72792
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No second chapter. The only way this is continued is with a second story and I don't even have an idea of what that would entail. I appreciate your comments and will take them into consideration when I rewrite this.
>> No. 72793
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But, but, but... So much potential!
>> No. 72810
My first fanfic :p
I only have the first few chapters done so I'm mostly concerned with critique about the writing style. You said you didn't want to be surprised with cupcakes-esque dark stories, so I'll let you know it goes down that road later on, even though I haven't reached that point in the story yet (just in case you want to keep up with it)
TAGS: [Shipping][Dark][Adventure][Incomplete]
Minor Tags: Convoluted plot
Title: The Carnation
Synopsis: An examination of love and death through a neo-gothic pony romance.
>> No. 72857
Say, You can just spawn a review thread? No things you have to do first to be granted 'access'? I kinda want my own thread...

If I can't, I'll just stick to the TG.
>> No. 72859
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Well, there are a few requirements.
1) You have to be able to get on ponychan. Not constantly or any time limit, just be able to access the site period.
2) You probably want to be able to type.
3) I like things in threes. While not required, catchy titles make it more fun.

So, no there really aren't any requirements. My three are just a joke :P.

Fine, after I finish some other projects I'll work on it.
>> No. 72860
Schweet, thanks Kurbz! I'll get to that tomorra.
>> No. 72862
There are no requirements that I know of, and if they accept me having a thread, they'll probably accept anyone. Have fun!
>> No. 72953

Indeed LTD. What Kurbz said.

I'm watching you...*beady eyes*
>> No. 72961
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Hey! How come everyone isn't dumping "Snails Pushes a Rock" fics in your thread?!
>> No. 72965

Right then, my first impression.

You are very, very, very wordy. You take time to describe almost everything in detail. It starts to detract from the story after the first few descriptions.

My second impression.

Rainbow Dash likes Fluttershy so much that you spend a good third of the fiction of just Dash being nostalgic about past events with Fluttershy and describing her beauty. In fact, because of this, there is nothing to drive the action until the third chapter.

You really are trying to be poetic, aren't you? Well, you borderline a Shakespearean poetry style and a Edgar Allen Poe style. At some points you are really straight forward and others... You take forever to get to the point. You need to find that fine balance between overtelling and just enough telling.

Hmm...From those 3 short chapters, I think that's about all I have to say on your writing style.

By the way... I personally think that the chapters could easily be written to flow together. (For a sufficient word could if you're trying for EqD).
>> No. 72968

Because I have to go through the trial of HiE fictions first <.>
>> No. 72980
Well, he sort of proved his metal back in the training grounds. There are some noobies like chowder head who are more deserving of hazing than this guy.
>> No. 73025
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lolhai Jmoz

I find your insights and reviewing style really helpful, so I'm going to bring to you my monster of a fic.

Title: The Life and Times of Caughlin Mare

Synopsis: There are no books on Discordian history, because only four ponies have survived from then until now to tell the tale, and two of them are in hiding from the other two... Origins, pre-diarchy. P.S.: Everything you know is a lie.

Tags: [Adventure] [Grimdark] [Sci-Fi]

Chapters to be reviewed: 15, 16, ?

Remarks: It's, well, long. Reaaally long. Put me at lowest priority, because I don't really need it in a rush and that way it doesn't loom as ominously. Grammatically it should be fine, and the previous 14 chapters have been reviewed by Grif and Roan respectively. If you don't want to comment on the first 14, by all means, no worries, though it'd be nice if you found derps and told me.

Things I'd like to hear about: Plotholes, degree of interest (especially in #15), parts that could do with more elaboration/expansion, though any other erros you find will be speedily acknowledged and fixed.

Most probably I'll be frequenting your thread every 2-3 chapters, if you take this on, if that's okay with you. Do tell me otherwise. Thanks!
>> No. 73030
And the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7445932/1/The_Life_and_Times_of_Caughlin_Mare
>> No. 73040
Thanks for the feedback! I'll try to find that balance in my descriptions in future chapters.
>> No. 73047

Alright, here we go. I read chapters 1-7 and as such, gave a review of small derps. I think it's pretty sound as it is overall due to past reviews, so there wasn't much tampering on my part. Some of it seems to be personal opinion, but hey, take what you can get, right? The biggest thing that bothers me is the fact that you have Luna "made" first. This argues against the show canon. I can see what you're trying to do to deal with this, but it's going to require some slick dancing around the mine field on your part. Personal preferance tells me that you should just go with Celestia being "made" first. (Remember K.I.S.S)

Chapter 1:

> "Somepony could get hurt," she whispered
Scene change break thingy should go after this. The next sentence indicates a significant passage of time.

> "Firstly, Discord put you in here.
Firstly --> First of all or First off.

> inception of the televising machine.
Hmm... Interesting. Lost technology from the past. If they had a televising machine in the Discordian era (a minimum of 1001 years before MLP takes place) Why don't the ponies under the reign of Princess Celestia have some sort of television?

> (tonight, it was corn cobs the size of cellos)
Random interjection that is otherwise unimportant. Perhaps: When the food was ready, Caughlin nodded and everypony dug into the cello sized corn cobs.

> Honestly, who was, here?
Honestly, who was? Was what? Honestly, Who was good at small talk?

Chapter 2:

> And he's very good at it, to the point that he does it all the time
I don't think you begin with and.

> grow up through her amateurish efforts.
Amateurish efforts? At what? Teaching? That's what's inmplied. Sounds like she's a pretty good teacher to me. She really knows her stuff.

> A request? This was new.
This could be a thought. Put it in italics like so: /A request? This is new./

> if we had a lens and some circuitry
You make this very technologically advanced for an era so many years before MLP. Perhaps finding some magic means? Like an eye in the sky: AkA a scrying bowl?

> drug Team 7 was working on.
coffee by any chance? It's ok, you can name it. Perhaps: ... and that new drug team 7 was working on. What was it... Ah, coffee.

Chapter 3:

> we wish to dopple Discord.

> You will have received with this letter an artificial dragon.
If I remember correctly, they got an alligator. Probably want to go back to chapter 2 and fix that to say they got an artifical dragon.

> And then she remembered the Incident
The incident... What incident? Ah, you mean the frogs? Or perhaps the strange rebel pony?

> "Besides, we can still try out that thing. Theory number one."
Theory number one... What theory? Perhaps sending the letter? Also, one Vs. 1... You use the number rather than the spelling previously, so you should keep it that way throughout the story.

Chapter 4:

> She passed around copies of the plans which she had made last night.
This doesn't seem very chronological. The way you have the previous part written you make it sound like they examine the plan and then go for breakfast.

> "On behalf of the Order, myself and the whole of Equestria...thank you."
She doesn't speak for the order, nor does she speak for all of Equestria. Perhaps: Maybe someday the order and all of Equestria will thank us.

Chapter 5:

> The foal was to be suspended in the liquid, sustained by a gas mask.
What? Gas masks protect against gas. Perhaps an oxygen tank or sorts?

> It was like being on that drug Team 5 made three years ago.
For the sake of consistancy, Team 7. (You mentioned Team 7 specifically making a drug. Thus it would make slightly more sense here.)

> "Luna," said Caughlin. "We'll call her Luna."
Princess Celestia is the older sister, as told to us in the show... Why are we having Luna "made" first? As for parentage, this bothers me oh so slightly, but it isn't too bad. This would be easily be dispelled by having a second alicorn "made" and then the two alicorns are raised as sisters, always told that they are sisters.

Chapter 7:

> And seeing the alicorn as but a child
Foal or filly would work here
>> No. 73108
Title: Derpy Hooves: The Muffin Queen

Synopsis: Carrot Top is baking some muffins for a contest but she has to go to the store to buy some last minute ingredients. Not being able to leave Derpy Hooves alone by herself with muffins, she recruits the help of Lyra and Bon-Bon to keep her at bay. Will they be able to prevent Derpy from eating the muffins? Or will Derpy have the last laugh?

Tags: Comedy



Comments: Your review thread looks empty, so I thought I'd pop this story in for good measure. A few concerns with story lie below.

1) Too much telling, not enough showing.
2) Need more colorful, over-the-top metaphors.
3) Short paragraphs and line break problems.
4) Formatting issues due to merging too many sentences.

I'm afraid that in my haste to correct the errors, I have inadvertently created brand new ones. Curse you formatting issues! Anyhoo, just let me know what you think of the story and I'll do my best to correct any errors or inconsistencies. Thank you in advance for your review. =)
>> No. 73145

Chapters 8-14 are pretty sound. I like the direction this is heading. Some crazy implications, but still... I like it.

Chapter 8:

> much less carrying somepony with you.
This makes it sound like it takes less energy to navigate this loop hole IF you are carrying someone with you. Perhaps: ...even more if you happen to be teleporting with another pony.

> But Whooves had been abducted
Abducted seems like the wrong word to use.

chapter 9:

> She could not stop the Order from obtaining a foal.
This may just be a bit of confusion on my part, but don't they already have a foal? Or were they just working on the gem earlier.

Chapter 10:

> If anything happened to Caughlin...
This should be a thought: /If anything should happen to Caughlin.../

> "You're Dr. Klipit, aren't you?"
This intro is very sudden. Perhaps he was the author of the memo?

Chapter 11:

> (using algorithms and estimates, the average safe-from-chaos pony lived for just over 100 years)
imo, this is a bit wordy to be telling us that you think ponies live for just over 100 years (If they're chaos free).

> "Those were your men, Fuhrich, acting under your orders.
Was Caughlin aware of the consequences of the plan? (Including the fact that with the diversion, there might be casualties. ESPECIALLY since she understands Discord as well as she does.) Probably.

> asked Celestia one night, as they settled in after a long day of levitation practice
If this is six years after the first letter and Celestia is on an accelertated growth spell, wouldn't she be a bit beyond levitation practice?

Chapter 12:

> a hundred or so times more than the Order's demo fighter,
> but it only registered nine hundred-something units.
900x100 is 90,000. Celestia registered in the 10,000s. I think you know what needs to be done.

Chapter 13:

> I'll be getting on my coat."
I'm not sure I would describe Discord as having fur. Maybe a hide?

Chapter 14: Is pretty sound.

I'll get to chapters 15-16 later tonight. Until then! Keep that writing going!
>> No. 73198
[Sad] [Adventure] [Dark]

Spike, after a huge fight with Twilight, ends up leaving for his own little adventures. Yet, in this time, he forgets that ponies do not live as long as he. In his crusades, his dearest friend and metaphorical mother awaits at her desk, longing for her little assistant back.

Link Pt. 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IAtQgmX2dcMW8gN_Z1UnqPb_5GPzswkglb7ySdRAHvE/edit?hl=en_US

Link Pt. 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14UFj4zC6iW7M_VMZ-6B7mQK39dy-w1Ul2NwnfPGC_-Q/edit?hl=en_US

Added Note: Please, I want you to do everything in your power to make this shine. I've got an amazing storyline down, and all I need is for you to help me refine this. I want you to do a full review, telling me what I need to clarify, delete, add in, redo, rewrite, anything in your power that will allow this to be an amazing fic. Thank you.
>> No. 73209

Chapter 15:

> A hinge creaked open, possibly that of a ventilation shaft,
Ventilation shafts have hinges? I wasn't aware... but then again, I don't know much about Ventilation shafts.

> You've probably heard of them.
Weren't they a top secret project?

> She quickly forced the recollections out of her mind.
You have to tell us who she is... As it is now, it refers back to Surprise. (You do this weird Surprise is talking, Caughlin thinking, Surprise is talking, back to Caughlin dance in the previous paragraph... It makes it kinda hard to keep track of who's talking and what.)

> "Well, yeah, silly. It's not like it's my one true talent or anything, it's just something I do for a living."
Equestria seems to have a rigid caste system. Once you get your cutie mark, you get your job. If you don't get a cutie mark... well, you get a pretty unspecialized job. physiotherapist seems pretty specialized and Surprise seems to like it.

> She had yet to master writing with hooves
I seem to remember ponies as writing with their mouths.

> "You have interesting eyes," cut Surprise
"You have interesting eyes," cut in Surprise. Or better yet: Surprise cut her off. Turning to the pony she said, "You have interesting eyes."

> "Please don't hurt me," whimpered Pickedum.
Nothing in Surprise's actions seem to suggest that she's going to hurt anypony. Isn't this kinda overreactive on Pickedum's part? (Or is that the idea?)

> pour until it's full
What? Screw physics! Pour what until it's full? (Though I guess with Discordian rule...)

Chapter 16:

> She blinked furiously
Start with "Caughlin" to clarify who the paragraph is talking about.

> Even her own, with her years of honing, required more effort to use than simply willing it to happen.
It "had" required more effort... (She no longer has her magic abilities... remember?)

> lightbulbs cast their glow
Again with technology. This is a minimum of 1010ish years from when the show takes place and The show has very little of the technology you describe. (Idk why, but this really bugs me.)

> and he's the lone survivor of a direct attack by Discord.
Random fact about the head general. It's interesting, but unneeded.

> periodical earthquakes - but no major exertions of Discord's power.
Right, periodical earthquakes... Not a small thing at all. Not taxing at all. Probably want to change this out for something less taxing to fit the fatigue you have Discord feeling.

> spend a few moments with them?
This really isn't a question.

> a car would come and send her to her new home
Now this just bugs the heck out of me. They don't have cars in the show, why would they have cars 1000 years in the past? (Perhaps you meant wagon or some other form of transport?)

Alright, some things that bugged me throughout ALL the chapters. The ands and buts used to start sentences. This is wrong. Many times you can just drop the and at the beginning, same with but.

That technology, I point it out several times. This is a civilization a minimum of roughly 1100 years in the past from the show. (1000 year banishment of NMM, 7 years or so of initial raising of Celestia and Luna by Caughlin, plus a good number of years for the Princess' to rule after they win this rebellion.) What I'm saying is, I don't think that the technology you have written in should exist at this point. Even in the show, much is done by magic rather then technology.

Overall thoughts:

This is a very interesting story. This brings up some interesting concepts like how the Princess' came to be and how the Princess (will) come to power.

P.S. Those chapters seem really short, but that's just my opinion. It helped this review to go way faster then I expected.
>> No. 73210
You're next. I should get done tomorrow some time. Though I might get caught up in my own writing project and get to you in the evening.

You're after Dublio and I'll probably get to you Friday. Though if I have time Thursday night I'll try and get to you.
>> No. 73427

Comments are in doc.

My biggest concern was how you try and paint a picture of things that would happen in a cartoon. "Spinning like a tornado" and "like a tidal wave" are things that would happen in a cartoon because they can get all silly like that. In a fiction, we're reading this and it gets harder to picture. (If that makes any sense).

Another thing, I point this out in document, but some of your sentences don't make sense. I suggest you read your story outloud. You will catch some of those sentences.

This was an interesting read. It made me laugh, but wasn't something that I would read over and over. (Sorry) It catches a muffin crazed Derpy really well and I like that.

I hope you find my comments useful. Take care good sir and keep that writing hand writing!
>> No. 73443
Hello! Your thread seems more or less up and alive your awesome picture is awesome, so...

Title: Equestria Vanishing
Tags: [SlightDark], [Adventure]
Synopsis: Twilight wakes from troubled sleep to a worldwide crises. Twilight must gather her friends and take a dive into the memories of her teacher and into the secrets of Equestria to find the answer to her land's troubles.


Notes: Mainly, I want to know two things above everything else: Do you find the phrasing of things to be awkward, and does this story look like it'll be worth the effort?

I'm honestly a little discouraged about it, and I have a second chapter almost done, but after being sent here from EqD and reading "all but 2-3 of the reviewers are silent", I'm a little meh about trying again. :/

Grammar is a problem, but I think I fixed what was wrong first time around. Mostly, I think that it was just my awkward construction.

OH! And the first section, the dream: does that come across okay? It feels... broken, but I'm unsure how much or if it's just my imagination.
>> No. 73503
File 132463450031.png - (78.88KB , 125x122 , 132444544617s.png )

Awesome! Thanks so much, I'll get to working through that!

Just to address some things:

>900x100 is 90,000. Celestia registered in the 10,000s. I think you know what needs to be done.
Yep, the average unicorn can only charge a mere 500~1000 thaumatic units in the average spell. I'll clarify that, though.

>the technology
After Discord is defeated, Fuhrich establishes a government and goes all totalitarian - destroys books, inventions, plans and blueprints, forces the population of Equestria to work with their raw abilities so as to create "comradeship", emphasis on "values", gender-based roles, etc... - the idea I've got is that Equestria is like Atlantis, a civilization of great achievements, lost in history.

>the ands and the buts
I'll slim down on those. I think most of them are in dialogue though.

Anyhow, thank you once again! I really appreciate it. Happy holidays, Jmoz!
>> No. 73537

*Poke* Vimbert got to the review before I could. Go check it out... If you fix it up and drop it back in, I'll be glad to take a peek then.
>> No. 73554
Here, have a document link:


One of the biggest things is paragraph placement. One such section is when Twilight is running to Fluttershy's house and is randomly thinking about the void that used to be Scoot's parent's house. I point out several more in document and where they should be written.

Another thing, All those single word sentences! You can join them with one of the surrounding sentences just as easily and avoid that awkwardness.


There is much mystery to be had. It leads me to wonder, what is happening? This chapter isn't particularly revealing, but since this isn't a oneshot, that should be okay.

Do not get discouraged! Do not stop writing! No matter what you think, you can always get a story to go somewhere. Anyways, you said you already have chapter two partially done. Now get that keyboard out and WRITE!
>> No. 73568
This is a fic I've sent to EqD a couple times, so I've done two main rounds of revision, (the prereaders said it was "postable" once but maybe they say that to everyone to be encouraging) but my last submission went a week with no response so I'm pretty sure I need it looked at again.

Anyway, it's basically a tyrant Celestia story (with a twist on the "tyrant" part) involving a few grimdark bits.

I need the most help with figuring out how to show, not tell. I think maybe I'm also doing too many time-skips and not enough description, but I usually only get advice about the first 5-6 chapters. (if you don't do long fics in their entirety, it might be helpful to me if you start at 6 or 7). Anyways, thanks!
>> No. 73570

forgot link:

>> No. 73575
Jmozziel is best pony.

Awesome! The review doc is a bloody gold mine! Many, many thanks!
>> No. 73595

20 chapters?! That can be quite daunting! I know why you've been only getting advice for the first 5 or so chapters. They addressed this In the "ask a pre-reader" thread Link here: >>68676

You see, they figure that, in this case, by chapter 5 you are running into the same errors, you're going to run into those same errors in the coming chapters.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to review chapters 1-5. I am ONLY going to do chapters 1-5 because what I tell you may change what you want to write in coming chapters. Also, Focus, focus, focus. Once we can get you over the first hurdle, we can get you over the second.

I'll start working on the review tonight.
>> No. 73596
No problem.
Interesting ideas there you have for the future chapters. *Nods head in approval* And Happy Holidays to you too.
Heh, thanks! *Shifty eyes* I do write in gold ink.
>> No. 73659
Hello there Jmozziel! Just wanted to thank you for reviewing my fanfic. I'll be sure to fix the things you pointed out. *hugs*
>> No. 73740

Sorry, the review will be a little later then expected. "End of Ponies" was updated and I spent a good portion of time plowing through the first two new chapters before going to bed. I have chapters 1 and 2 reviewed and will finish 3,4, and 5 after work. Sorry for the inconvenience.


It was my pleasure!
>> No. 73787
Here, lets start with some links.

Review: Chapter 1 & 2:

Review: Chapters 3,4, and 5:

Alright, I hope these get you over that first hurdle.

Okay, first I'll address the show not tell thing. Ya, you do spend alot of time having ponies telling us information or you just have a basic description. Perhaps this will help.

Tell: Twilight looked into the room and saw Princess Celestia sitting in a chair in the center.

Show: Twilight peeped through the door. The room was dark except for a single, sputtering candle which illuminated the sole occupant, Princess Celestia. [Go on to give a brief account of what Celestia is doing,]

Too much: Twilight opened the old brown door, which was starting to splinter. Inside was a dark room. She couldn't see anything, though if she squinted she thought she could tell it was a small room. In the center of the room was a small white candle, which was almost gone. Sitting next to the candle was a pure white alicorn... (You get the idea).

Now for the time lapses:
You have the mane six traveling large distances (Such as from Ponyville to Canterlot) in short time periods. I point this out in review. The other thing, You have them traveling to Hoofington, but there isn't anything to drive the story. Just walking, you could easily build tensions that already exist in the show. (Such as RD's want to move fast Vs. Fluttershy's slow pace.)

The time lapses? You only had one major one and I found that to be alright.

As for descriptions:
You do spend some time trying to describe unimportant things, but you also lack in description of some of the more important things. I.E. You have a whole chapter describing the CMC's feelings at finding their siblings missing, this is unneeded Unless you plan for them to somehow get involved in the later chapters. You also spend not enough time describing the time inbetween trips, what do they see? What do they experience? etc...


I think you tried to write too much in too little time or without getting anything reviewed. Your idea is good. It just needs to be cut from a raw gem to a fine diamond. Keep this story going and fix it up! Drop it off on the training grounds and others threads. Get all the help you can get. We will help this story shine!
>> No. 73791
File 132476374740.png - (37.33KB , 436x437 , MyselfChristmaspicture.png )
Hey guys! It's Christmas Eve! And you know what that means! Santa is coming tomorrow! As I have cleared up the que I am now done with working for a tiny bit! Time to celebrate the holidays!

On that note:
I will be absent from the time this post goes up until Wednesday evening. By all means, drop fiction off if you so desire, but don't expect the review until after Wednesday.

Until then, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Be safe and don't do anything I wouldn't!
>> No. 73820
awesome, thanks!
>> No. 73822

okay, after skimming the review I have a couple questions:

1. Making the gala in-canon might be difficult. I seem to recall the Gala being held once a year (I could be wrong), so making it the second Gala they attended could create new timeline problems, especially with Discord thrown into the equation. On the other hand, most of the places I deviated from canon (Applejack selling her apples successfully, Blueblood not being a jerk, Fluttershy being good with the animals, etc.) were there because these were sources of conflict in the episode, which would be distracting from the new source of conflict I've added in. (Not saying I plan to disregard your suggestions to make it fit canon better, I'm just not sure how to incorporate them. Maybe if one small change somehow led to other changes taking place in a way that made sense? I might try to work with that)

2. Is it specifically stated in the show that alicorns are immortal? The one you point out a problem with is supposed to be tens of thousands (or possibly over a hundred thousand) years old, which comes up later. I feel like Celestia might be described as immortal at some point in the show, but I'm not sure.

Other than that it shouldn't be a problem to incorporate your suggestions-- they were all very specific and very helpful. Thanks again!
>> No. 73833
You caught me just before bed, so here you go.

>Making the gala in-canon might be difficult. I seem to recall the Gala being held once a year.

It is, but just because Discord (May) have disrupted the next years GGG doesn't mean that the mane six can't go to another one. You could still mention it was only their second one.

Easy fix take this:
> Twilight had never been to the event before
and change it to something like: This was the first GGG Twilight had been to since the incident with Discord. Or: Twilight had eagerly anticipated her second GGG.

Bam! There you go, free reign and nothing has to be canon to the first GGG (Though maybe some of the pony's remembering the last GGG and make light mention of it)

> Is it specifically stated in the show that alicorns are immortal?

It's implied, but not explicitly stated. It also is pretty accepted in fanon. I'm sure you could make it work though. (I.E. Someone is magically stripping the alicorn of his immortality magically or he willingly gave it up.)

Hope this helps! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

*Silence until Wednesday starting NOW*
>> No. 74313
File 132504182570.png - (262.83KB , 830x650 , Ponysona.png )
I know it's about 2 hours early, but my thread is once again open for submissions.

I hope everyone found they enjoyed the holidays. As for me, I had a pretty awesome time.

Anyways, back to the investigation. By all means, drop your work here.

Some notes of interest:
1. I would now like a gdocs copy of your work with comments enabled for ease of review.

2. I have found that the mistakes I point out in the first few chapters can make all the difference in what is written later on. Therefore, if you have a huge fiction longer then 10 chapters, I will only review the first 5. Once you fix those five, by all means, come back and I will start on the next 5. Focus, focus, focus. Gotta get over the first hurdle before you can attempt the second.
>> No. 74316

If you have specific chapters you want reviewed (I.E. 6-10), but you've been rejected by EqD and you say you've fixed up as stated by pre-readers, I'm going to take you back to the first few chapters first. The pre-readers aren't going to point out everything that needs to be fixed, that's my job.

If it's already published on EqD, THEN I will go to the specified chapters. (Of course, only after I read the chapters leading up to the ones you want reviewed.)
>> No. 74410
Hi! I'm interested in getting a couple people reading and reviewing my story, and your thread seems pretty promising to me. When you have time, I'd love you to review my thread!

Title: Lunar Beginnings
Author: Faintpony
Tags: Mystery, Pre-FiM, Original Characters, I dunno what else.
Synopsis: Luna spent 1000 years in the moon, but the story of why is never elaborated on greatly. Luna faces a constant struggle within herself to battle the rejection of her people, and also her own flaws, but through trying to become a better goddess she uncovers a plot to overthrow the two goddess sisters from their recently-bestowed thrones. Friends and selves become enemies as it seems the world is crumbling down upon Luna just as she is learning to enjoy it.

>> No. 74411
I need another reviewer for this. I need more plot help, and help with any problems Earthside might have.


Based off of several movies where the government was really out to get the main character, including Conspiracy Theory, comes the world of Earthside. Earthside: Shadow Protocol is the first section planned for the entire Earthside universe.


I really don't consider this a cross-over, really. I based it on the knowledge of the movies, taking ideas from it, but not using their worlds.
>> No. 74441

Comments in doc.

Some notes:

My biggest complaint is how you spend so much time explaining. I feel you barely have any dialogue or thought. There are plenty of times where you could have Luna explain something very easily. However, you have to judge yourself when thoughts are better than just telling us.

Show Vs. Tell:

You spend alot of time telling us about events. Show us some. You just have to be the judge as to when you should show and when you should tell. Here, have some examples:

Tell: Twilight looked into the room and saw Princess Celestia sitting in a chair in the center.

Show: Twilight peeped through the door. The room was dark except for a single, sputtering candle which illuminated the sole occupant, Princess Celestia. [Go on to give a brief account of what Celestia is doing,]

Too much: Twilight opened the old brown door, which was starting to splinter. Inside was a dark room. She couldn't see anything, though if she squinted she thought she could tell it was a small room. In the center of the room was a small white candle, which was almost gone. Sitting next to the candle was a pure white alicorn... (You get the idea).

As for things for grammar. You aren't doing so hot. I suggest you find a reviewer who's better versed in grammar then I. (After you make changes of course)


You're gonna have to work to make this stand out from every other "Luna before NMM" story. I suggest some hard work with your synopsis. Make it really stand out.

Keep writing! I like where this is going. This story is very doable.
>> No. 74804
Thank you, first of all, for such a quick and thorough review! I really appreciate it. This is actually the first fanfic I've ever written, and I didn't expect it to be a 100% smooth process.

Comments on comments:

Now it had been crystal clear, and rattled her entire body
>Delete , and. Perhaps: Now it had been crystal clear. It had rattled her entire body..
How about: "This time it had been crystal clear, rattling her entire body"?
Does that fix the issue you were having with it?

Resting her head on a hoof, she leaned forward and accepted the dim glow of the setting sun

>Unless she's the type of pony to bring her hoof under her head when she sleeps, it would make more sense for her to rest her head on the pillow.

Here's an example of where I was actually trying to show something rather than just say it. I had tried to keep that in mind when writing my fic, but I think my writing is too naturally inclined to fall back on what i'm comfortable with. I was trying to show that she was sitting forward in bed; I had already said it was about time to wake up, so I didn't want to send the impression she'd be going back to sleep. Such being said, I'm not really sure how to fix the issue you had with it.

On my use of "Juxtapose"
I didn't actually look at a thesaurus for that, but it's probably a good idea to use a word people will understand, I guess.

She had been pulling long hours in the library recently,

>Why? Take this moment to quickly tell us she was studying or just reading a good book. As you have it now, I picture her just standing for hours in the library.

Does "She had been pulling long hours in the library recently, reading up on olden lunar spells and tricks to prepare for the Winter Moon Festival." provide enough insight? I feel like I could potentially go into more detail if needed.

I have some small comments on some other things, but I'm going on that if you didn't understand something from the first once-over, I need to explain it more.

Thank you very much for your time and your review! I found it really great, and I like your style a lot.

As for grammar and word usage review, it was unsettling to hear that I needed that, because that was going to be one of the things that I really didn't want to have to fix every time I wrote something. But then I looked back, when going over your comments, and realized that a lot of the mistakes could have been fixed by me simply giving it a day and returning to read it out loud like everypony says to do. I apologize that I submitted it in haste, and I'll be sure to get additional help on that from another reviewer!

Thank's very much for the review!
I love your style of reviewing!
I will get more grammar help!
>> No. 74816
> How about: "This time it had been crystal clear, rattling her entire body"?

That probably isn't the first choice I'd go with, but I think it'll work.

> Here's an example of where I was actually trying to show something rather than just say it.

Valid argument. It may have just been a mistake in reading on my part. Though I'd like to point out. She could, from the sitting position she is in, fall back down. It's just something I would do if I got up, but wasn't just quite ready. (I'd pull one of those fall back down and stare at the ceiling things.)

> "She had been pulling long hours in the library recently, reading up on olden lunar spells and tricks to prepare for the Winter Moon Festival."

That's fine.

> I apologize that I submitted it in haste

Regret nothing! Unless an author completely sucks at writing, very few people are gonna actually realize that the author may have not done a self check. If you forget, grit your teeth, don't mention it, and just remember before submitting it again.
>> No. 74818

Alright, comments in document.

Some things of note.

1. You spend alot of time describing small things such as the shape of the key or what particular theme song Victor is humming. This gets a bit too telly.

2. Why is a high school boy manager of a store. I realize it's possible, but I feel it would make more sense for atleast a high school graduate.

3. The house. Does he own it? Does his parents own it? He seems a bit young to own his own house.

4. A lot of times you start a paragraph with a block of dialogue when the previous sentence (The last one in the previous paragraph) should probably be the beginning of the next paragraph.

This seems like it could easily turn into a "Boy/pony gets involved with government secrets" story. Except for starting on earth rather then in Equestria, you don't really have anything to set this apart from other Pony on Earth stories. I suggest you find some PoE stories, read them, and figure out how you can make yours differ.

Good luck! I have confidence in you. As Sherlock said in the newest movie, "Make it Count."
>> No. 74823
File 132517973288.png - (218.28KB , 640x360 , 131048076419.png )
Here, I've got one, my friend.
It's called "Day in the Life", and it bloomed from one short story about Octavia performing on a stage, to a series of Ponies going about their daily business. It is lighthearted, short, and focuses on little moments in a day. All the stories will be intertwined and I have finished 2 of the 5 I have planned. The first one, and the original, is a standalone semi-abstract story. The second one is a slice-of-life story with Ditzy Doo colliding with big macintosh while delivering mail. The third one, which is unfinished, will detail Big Mac on his off time.

The Cello: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5405/1/Day-in-the-Life/The-Cello

Mail Call!: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5405/2/Day-in-the-Life/Mail-Call%21
>> No. 74824
MY First Fanfic, Be gentle. :-]
>> No. 74827

Read rule #4. I will not go easy. Going easy is the surest way to keep your story from hopping that first hurdle.

Anyways, I look forward to reviewing your story and should get to it this evening.
>> No. 74830
Regarding something you said, there is a fundamental rule of writing which I shall not break:

When a character speaks, start a new paragraph.

Now, that rule is obeyed through all works of fiction and non-fiction. I will not bend in that regard, Jmozz. I'm sorry, but that's a rule I am not willing to break, as it would make my writing seem incredibly inconsistent.
>> No. 74831

Right, the rule refers to if the previous paragraph had a different speaker or is already to long without dialogue. Atleast, that's how I always looked at it.
>> No. 74872
Well, as I've seen with many books, it all depends on the length of the paragraph. Though I do see where you're coming from.
>> No. 74948
Day in the Life: The Cello:
Very nice. Very short and sweet. Portrays just how Octavia feels when performing. My biggest suggestion is you could do a short paragraph somewhere where she notes the hot, bright lights shining down on her and the shadows of ponies in a packed theater.

> Octavia reached down to a large case on the stage...
I do believe that most people in concert would come out on stage with their instrument.

> femininely-shaped body out of the case.
As instruments don't have genders, I would suggest a world like slender or sleek.

> Octavia shuts her eyes,
This whole paragraph is present tense when the rest of the story is in past tense. Pick one or the other.

> Inside her focused mind, all that existed was her, and the cello.
period after mind. Capitalize all and delete the second comma.

> She knew of the reverberating applause
What? Whats applauding. The audience couldn't be applauding. They wouldn't be that rude. (It is considered rude to clap in the middle of a performance.)

> drawing the bow across the Cello
Cello isn't capatilized.

> mattered was her, and the cello she played.
Delete the comma.

Day in the Life: Mail Call!
Again, nice, short, and sweet. This is a nice little read and helps me appriciate the small things background characters might do.

> "La la la la la la la... Mail Call!"
Neither mail nor call should be capatilized.

> With her mind so high up in the clouds, it's no wonder
Delete the comma and change it's to it was. (It was matches the tense better then It's.)

> Ditzy's eyes spun around, and took a second to re-derp.
No comma

> a tiny mare could knock him over with such ease...
Right, how can a mare such as Ditzy knock over a stallion as heavy as Big Mac? Perhaps have them collide, she falls down, and he helps her up. Also, the (...) should be a comma.

> "S'alright, Ditz. Ai was jus' enjoyin' the sunshine, ya know?"
Personally, I do the southern accent of 'I' as 'Ah', but either may work.

> Must be something fer...

> who took it with his mouth.
As we know ponies, it's implied that he would take it with his mouth. You could probably delete this.

> He said almost incomprehensibly.
He said, almost incomprehensibly.

> Ditzy looked up and realized she flew right into a tree.

> "Heh... Little help?"
Perhaps Ditzy giggled, "Heh, little help?"

Day in the Life Overall:
Not bad at all. They make for nice little quick reads. They're good for a laugh or to just stop and consider events. Keep them coming!
>> No. 74958

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HF_RQoqxnzAvfWo2D4hS0bOPRaGIUr60Op_Gxlv95Sg/edit?hl=en_US

When Applebloom discovers a strange hole in a barren field, her curiosity beckons her to jump in. As well as the ponies underneath the very ground.

Give it all ya got.
>> No. 75025
I looked over rules of writing and rules for writing fiction that I have, and lookie there, I messed up with the speech part. Even though with many people, for doing a review, I've found that only SOMETIMES does it make it easier for them to find where the character is speaking.

Also, I'm writing Part 2 of Shadow Protocol. Earthside itself is going to be split into four sections: Shadow Protocol, Priority One, Lockdown, A World Apart. I plan to make it quite long, if I get that far.
>> No. 75093

Comments in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Have a quick lesson on distance and time. You have the CMC going from Ponyville to the outskirts of Canterlot in about an hour. The mane six had to take a train to Canterlot. That was an unspecified time, but the implication is that a walk to Canterlot isn't an easy thing. Perhaps you want to have this series of caves discovered closer to Ponyville?

2. Your story lacks emotion. How do ponies react to certain situations. You have some emotion, just not enough. (I.E. When Applebloom falls down the tube and is apparently unaffected.)

3. You have random descriptions of ponies, objects, and areas, that should go where you first describe said pony, object, or area. I point these out in doc.

4. Some of the names! I highly recommend getting some help with the names! They hurt my eyes! (Brutal honesty! Fatality! Finish him!)

5. You have some crazy concepts in there. Like the random pool of oil and some of things the ponies do without leading up to the action.

6. Are these all earth ponies? Oh wait, no, the Csonka isn't. That implies atleast earth ponies and unicorns. Also, Fair Wind sounds like a pegasus name to me. Wouldn't the pegasi just be able to fly out and the unicorns cast some spell to get out, or is something blocking them?


This really needs work to be done on it. Lots of rearranging, lots of things to write in, and some concepts. I don't know, the potential to be interesting? Yes. Would I pick it up in my spare time? Probably not. However, despite saying I wouldn't pick it up in /my/ spare time doesn't mean other people wouldn't. By all means! Fix this up and continue writing! Go! You can get over that first hurdle, I know you can!
>> No. 75185
Yeah, I kinda did this one to get it outta my system. I'll try to fix it all up, maybe write some other chapters.
>> No. 75547
Chapter 1:

> Twilight Sparkle had been outside
Had been, or was? Had been implies she is doing something else now or is in another.

> a familiar purple mist welled up before her.
I don't think this is how Princess Luna teleports. Anyways, it doen't seem that the princess' don't do much teleporting. They seem to favor the royal chariots.

> Princess of the Night and one half of Equestria's ruling diarchy.
Yup, we know this already. You can delete it.

The following words "Luna's booming voice" tell us what you're trying to show with all caps. So you don't need those capitalized letters.

> "We mean... Good evening,
The 'G' in Good should be lower case.

> "Uh..." Twilight responded brilliantly,
"Uh..." hardly sounds brilliant. Word choice.

> Luna's careless lapse into the foghorn-like ‘Royal Canterlot voice’
Foghorn implies deep and booming. I think you might mean bullhorn or megaphone. (I would hardly call Luna's voice deep.)

> I have not yet become accustomed to the rich food my sister prefers."
And she can't order anything else? Also, wouldn't she remember eating the 'rich' food from before she was banished?

> "But rather
'But rather' implies that her previous statment is null. Delete rather.

> Twilight was excited... No, excited was the wrong word. Twilight was terrified.
Excited and terrified are too completely different emotions. They arn't easily mistaken for one or the other. Perhaps you should find a middle ground?

>A sponsor? Did she mean... "Princess Celestia?"
"A sponsor? Do you mean... Princess Celestia?"

> that only Discord knows the true extent of your power better than I.
Random dump of info? Why do we need to know this?

> a bit toothily. “And none would deny my sponsorship, even of my sister’s student.”
Now you're describing Luna's teeth, which we don't care about. Also, Of course TS wouldn't deny Luna's sponsorship, but the committee might. Perhaps: "And none would deny my sponsorship, even the committee."

> the alicorn said, brightly.
We know Luna is an alicorn, just use her name. I don't think you need the comma after said.

>a small, wingless baby dragon
Yup, we know what Spike is. Just use his name.

> The fifth, a hot pink Earth pony, was bouncing around cheering loudly.
We also know who Pinkie Pie is.

> around and over the other ponies.
Comma after around.

> It was written in an elaborate hand
Ponies don't have hands, they have hooves. The princess would have used magic to write it anyways, or somepony on the committee would have written it by magic or mouth.

> Ms. Twilight Sparkle
One, just hit the italics button when writting this, no need for code. Two, you capitalized almost every word in the letter. You don't need to.

> I... don't want to get ahead of myself,
I don't want to get ahead of myself,

> an open copy of [i]A Garden of Pomegranates

No pony would be close enough to see, nor would they care. Unless it happened to be a book they needed. Which the don't.

> Twilight read the letter again, and with a little help from Applejack explaining the import of the tournament (and restraining Pinkie Pie), Rainbow Dash was soon caught up.
After Twilight read the letter again, the sentence starts to not make sense. Rewrite.

> She simply can’t keep leaving her things lying around Carousel Boutique! I’m going out of town for three days, and I would hate...
At this point to the end of the paragraph you need to reorganize things, or just rewrite this part completely.

> Heartstrings likes animals too, you know that!”
Comma should be a period, and you should be capitalized.

> “Fluttershy, why is your front door boarded up?”
You never explain. Either drop, or take the time to. I would suggest dropping it.

Chapter 2:

> Six ponies and a purple baby dragon
If anything, it would be 'The six poines and Spike'

> somehow not returned from the teleport until night time
Not to mention that teleportation is instantaneous.

> even a handful of enormous dragons
Considering just how rare dragons appear to be in the show, I would consider changing this from 'even a handful' to 'and even an enormaous dragon'

> The Moonstone Cup is usually a much lower-key event than this.
Right, you certainly made it sound big enough in chapter 1.

> Normally, the area around Canterlot,
Because this is told from the mane 6's view, you should have Twilight explain it to them rather than have the author tell us.

> the large earth pony drawled slowly.
Hardly, they all seem the same height in the show. They all seem about average. Big Mac would be considered big, not AJ.

> ... something and extracting her hoof from Spike's mouth,
What? She could do this in the show because of animation, but it's hardly something you can do in a book, because you can't really show breaking the 4th wall.

> Twilight tittered again,
She... chattered? Perhaps she just glances around nervously.

> toward the other ponies.
Perhaps you meant, 'towards the registration tent'

> Twilight began shrinking behind her mane
Seems too literal, when if fact she didn't actually shrink.

> There's less than an hour left."
Twilight would be more timely then that, arriving with, at the very least, hours to spare, if not days.

Chapter 3:

> clawed animals caused
The fact that they are wild animals implies claws.

> Twilight led her group of ponies plus one
I'm kinda sick of you dancing around Spike's name such as you have. In fact, if you want to mention Twilight and her group ever again, state it as Twilight and her group.

> "...what?" Rarity asked
Delete the (...)

> came the magnanimous response.
So many big words when a simple word will do! Word choice is good, but use too many big words, readers will get hung up on them and that could cause some issues reading on.

> Huh huh huh?
Is Pinkie trying to start a fight? Pinkie logic with Rainbow Dash speech.

> pushed the aforementioned hat
Her stetson.

> bored-looking unicorn pony with an azure coat and a slightly lighter mane.
We know what Trixie looks like. Stick with her attire.

> they might start fetching torches and pitchforks in the very near future.
Er... Appropriate reactions? They might shoot dirty glares, but hardly look like they want to violently chase a group of ponies out.

Trixie isn't that vain. Nor is she that insulting. I mean this is downright 'Chauvinism' (Damn spelling, but you get what I mean). Even she recognized Twilight's skill by the end of the episode "Boast Busters"

> a large and powerful white alicorn in golden ceremonial barding, could be none other than Princess Celestia
Mhmm... We know who the Princess is.

> "Oh, wow, it's her,"
This would be good time to introduce 'her'

> The dragon queen stepped back gracefully,
My oh my, the dragon queen. Assuming she's a fully grown dragon, how does she fit in the ballroom?

> the dragons and gryphons,
You never mentioned gryphons competeing. I thought this was between the drangons, ponies, and ghuls

> "The first trials will be beginning in two hours. Please, everyone, relax, enjoy the buffet provided, and, again, welcome to this year's Moonstone Cup."
This seems really hurried. Not even a day or prep by the competitors? I would say that the first event would be happening the next day after breakfast.

Recurring errors:

1. Brackets, you use them as if to kinda poke us yourself. Generally, don't use them.

2. (...) Use these only when going for a long pause. I personally only use them in dialogue.

3. Lavander Unicorn Syndrome (LuS)- You use descriptions of ponies to denote who you're talking about. We're familiar with the ponies you describe. Use their name unless something significant changes. Save the descriptions for introducing OC we aren't familiar with. (After that, use their name)

4. You use all caps to show us yelling. Don't do it. You almost never use all caps. What you say next in the story will tell us how the words were spoken.

Part 2 to come tomorrow. Hope this keeps you happy until then!
>> No. 75554

Thanks! Responses more or less at random:

So, I was worried about the lavender unicorn syndrome that you note, and it looks like I was right to worry. First thing to rewrite.

I rewrote the departure scenes a bunch of times (since my original thing there was basically just a disjoint wall-o-text) and it looks like I should probably just drop them.

Spike's "Oh wow, it's her" and the reference to the dragon queen all goes together with the green "earth pony" introduced as the third being on the dais. I thought Najstariot's introduction was pretty straightforward for a shapeshifter, but if it's not I can rewrite it.

Titter: "To laugh in a nervous, affected, or partly suppressed manner."

The brackets and trailing thoughts in the text are supposed to be reflecting Twilight's thoughts. I've never tried writing in third-person limited before, so I guess that's not working out too well.

The timeline... Yeah, might be rushed. I've been going back and forth on that so I'm glad to have another opinion on it. Stretching it out by a day to make everything not happen right on top of everything else is probably a good idea.

Anyway, thanks very much for the response! I'll probably start rewriting after you give me your assessment of the rest of it.
>> No. 75570
File 132554134198.png - (36.43KB , 798x549 , Pirate.png )
I finally finished writing Part 2. I know you read Part 1, so here's Part 2. I hope you enjoy it.


Main Character(s): One, Victor Hernandez, Twilight Sparkle
>> No. 75881
Here, this is too long for a regular post, so have a link and some advice: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jzx-cv7vtft0ihHdIfyQ6e5EnH4O8KtpsOBxihyAHjo/edit

First of all, I'm sorry if the later chapter's reviews seem short, but in my defense: Recurring errors applied from the first post.

Second, I'm not much of a comma expert, but here's what I can tell you, and maybe this is what you already do. Read through your sections, outloud, and take note at where you pause. Those are where commas should go.

Third, over description. Before you go to describe something, ask yourself, "Is it important to the plot? Will anyone care? Is it something people are already familiar with?" Then, only describe the things that are necessary.

Lastly, I'm sorry if I get a wrong notion in my head. I have a tendency to do that, or something means one thing to one person and another to another person. As the author, please do realize, however, that you are all knowing, your readers aren't. Some concepts that make sense in your head won't cut it with the readers. My suggestion? Read over this, twice. You will catch errors on your own, and be able to fix them. However, don't forget to drop off in ttg, we are always there to help. (On a side note, If I were you, I would do a chapter focus. Meaning, focus on the first 2 chapters. Get them reviewed, and work them to as good as possible. Then, move on to the other chapters.)

Write on my friend! Make this shine! I know you can!
>> No. 75897

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. We discussed this already, but the whole separate paragraph the second a new speaker appears does bug me. Also, you have a speaker, and then the next sentence implies a person other than the speaker was speaking. I point out a few, but leave some for you to find and fix.

2. A big thing, things have a habit of just appearing. Or things seem to happen for no apparent reason. A good example is the 'broken'/army scene. You didn't build up to it, it was just there. At the very least, at the last point where agent one was talking, you should have had him notice the 'broken' starting to attack.

3. You fall into a habit of not properly spacing paragraphs. I point some out, and leave the rest for you to find.

4. You have Twilight being unhelpful and a bitch at some points. The show suggests that she would react otherwise. She might teleport them both across the roof, or cast a shield spell as a 'broken' takes a swing at them. Stuff like that.

5. Sometimes, the characters lack emotion. They don't react to certain situations like they should. My suggestion? Read through and ask yourself, is this really how this character would react? (Often times, you have a character take things too much in stride. They don't challenge what's happening, or they act almost emotionless to surrounding activity.) I.E. Show a better reaction by TS when she first sees the 'broken' or show us more of Victor's "Holy Crap" moment when he first sees Twilight.

Ya, the biggest thing you have to fix is building up to certain events. Otherwise, this is turning out interesting.

(I think I got it all, I'll let you know if I remember something.)
>> No. 75906
Title: Burning Heart
Tags: Dark, Adventure (Not too much so, just to let ya know.)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15rb3w2oUG7g7Dlqi_cSC02zXwjg0RgyMWuhuelImgwE/edit

I'm nearly finished editing this fully, but from the amount of editing I have done, I would request some help to finish. ^^;; If you could review this as soon as possible, I would be forever grateful.
>> No. 75908
Okay, thanks. Yeah, the build up wasn't actually planned for the "Broken". I messed up in describing them, as it was supposed to be what happened to the people that were taken in for "questioning." Thank you for that.

Yeah, as a whole, there are areas which I really need to fix. I'm glad you liked it nonetheless. Right now, I'm posting from a library computer, so I won't be able to do the edits for a bit. I'll let you know when they are done.
>> No. 75911
Sure, I don't have a lot of time now, but I'll get to this tomorrow.

No problem, I can't wait for the next part!
>> No. 75928
One thing you mentioned was how Twilight doesn't help Victor out by teleporting him. There are two reasons why I don't have her do so.

1. Humans are unknown to her, and she couldn't have the knowledge on how it would affect Victor.

2. This might sound a little sadistic, but I love tormenting Victor. It's a fun thing for me to do. I make one character struggle a lot, and overcome a lot, while the other character just simply does something that helps them along quickly. I torment my characters as a pasttime.
>> No. 75944
Acknowledged, and thanks so much for taking the time for this! Once again, more or less random responses...

The basis for the scene with the ghul king, Luna's bristling so sharply at the mention of Tirac and Twilight running off at the end of the match with Gianna should all be made clearer later on. I'll read over the scene in the library again and see if I can't make it flow better with the rest of the story.

I'm trying to put across the idea that the dragon queen has taken a special - negative - interest in Twilight and is playing some political games to get at her. The other two and some delegates are judging the other matches.

Based on your comments today and yesterday, and what I've heard from others, I think I've been a bit shaky on Pinkie's characterization in general. I'm not sure what I can do to improve that except to rewatch some Pinkie-focused episodes. She's always struck me as a bit... "aggressive" is not precisely the right word, but really, really forward.

The Want-It-Need-It spell in question is the one Twilight cast on Smartypants in 'Lesson Zero'.

Not much to say on the rest other than "thanks". I actually appreciate you noting anything that seems weird or difficult to grasp; I don't think a story should require explication to make sense. I've sort of rear-loaded a lot of the exposition and it seems like that's not working so well.

Anyway, again, thanks for your time!
>> No. 75975


I'm glad you like my story, anyways. From doing this story, it's made me think about how I perceive how a world works. What one person finds completely logical will never fly with me. I write from the perspective of each character as I write. There is no pre-planning.
(Part 1 was an exception; a LOT of planning went into it for rewrite 2. I rewrote it twice, yes.)
There is no preparing with outlines. As soon as I need to write, I write. I let my words flow as my mind wants. Even if there may be many errors in logic.

I never said my mind was entirely logical.

Lofty stories are impossible for me. Grimdark is too far. I write what I would read. If you cannot read it, why the hell are you writing it anyways? I cannot write true fantasy, even though many stories I write are a fantasy from my mind. I write science-fiction-esque stories, because that's what I read.

I hope this helps you understand a little about how and why I write. Mozziel, thank you for reviewing Earthside. And don't worry. I plan on writing Part 3 VERY soon. And there'll be a new character introduced.
>> No. 75983

Alright, I'll take another peek ASAP, but "Burning Heart" is next, followed by some personal writing, some fixing up of another story of mine, and the beginnings of a second chapter to yet /another/ one of my stories.

Like I said, I'll get to you ASAP, but it may not be until tomorrow night or the day after.
>> No. 75988
Yeah, I know. I'm just glad that you were excited about the third part. Still trying to work some things out. Probably won't come out until January's done, since I have final exams for semester 1 coming up. I'm still in high school.
>> No. 76053

Alright, Your review is in the comments indoc.

Some things of note:

1. The font of the title and the entries in RD's diary, keep them a normal, non distracting font. Also, put the entries in italics.

2. If you want to draw attention to a word, or convey the volume of some dialogue, you never use all capital letters. Use Italics for for emphasized words and what you say before or after dialogue will tell us how it should be spoken. I.E. > PREPARE TO START THE RACE!
use something like: The announcer's voice reverberated around the starting area. "Prepare to start the race!" (See, reverberated tells us the voice was loud, as does the exclamation point.)

3. You kind of put some events before a description. Descriptions should usually happen right away. I.E. When Rainbow Dash first arrives at the starting area, describe it more fully, and go with a description of her frustration as she tries to find the registration tent.

4. You use so much present tense when first describing what the race is. You would use present tense if, and only if, she were describing it to somepony. Because she isn't, it's more of a description for us, use past tense. (More notes on this in one of my comments. Look for it, you can't miss it.)

5. I point this out in doc, but your prelude is so short, it could be combined with Chapter 1. In fact, because it's in the same doc as Chapter 1, just do it.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but this is starting off like a pretty standard 'Rainbow Dash' story. There's a race, she enters it, she has a chance to join the Wonderbolts... if she wins. What are you going to do to set this story apart from any of the other stories? Make sure you write something unique in chapters to come, and I highly suggest against killing, or severely injuring Dash if that's what your thinking. It's already been done far to often.

I really do think this is a good story. It may be starting off pretty standard, but it's interesting non-the-less. It also helps that I personally haven't read too many of these types of stores, I just know there are tons out there. I also really like the twist with Morning Star and Barrel Drive, keep up the good work with them. I can't wait to see a chapter 2.
>> No. 76254
Thank you so much for the review! And on some of the things I pointed out, I would like to explain them, although they will be explained in a later chapter.

The amount of years isn't supposed to be referencing the Olympics but actually has some history that is explained later.

The point of the sentence, "... dodging the ponies walking around that seemed to be ignoring her," was to actually imply that -all- of the ponies are ignoring her. It's put in there like that on purpose.

I know it's kind of a cheap way to do it, but I pretty much make Rainbow Dash walk through the crowd for the sake of the reader. She flies over the crowd later, so I wanted to cover both in a way.

I'm pretty sure trying to pin something against the ground would be easier for a pony than pinning it against a table.

She -should- look for the tent first, but considering Rainbow Dash, the first thing on her mind is the racing, so that is in higher priority to her for that moment.

Yes, the vendors were pretty much all scammers. When aren't they at large events?

There's more than one booth, but she doesn't see the others, and some other ponies did preregister.

The pony doesn't have it out for RD, but he's seen enough ponies he has met die that he's slightly cynical about it.

They did hear about it, and Rainbow Dash did talk about the event, as I do hint at that, but the others discourage her to go. In the end, she never says whether she was going to or not and goes right ahead. She's loyalty, not honesty.

About the rocket, it's not against the rules or cheating. Honestly, nopony would ever think to put a rule against bringing a rocket because they never thought anypony would be dumb enough to try it. Just like there's no rule against covering your entire body with thumbtacks and running onto a basketball court because no one would possibly do it.

Twilight does usually play by the rule, but as a friend, she's more worried about her friend's safety than some rules. She's the only one in the group that truly knows how dangerous the track is from what she's read.

Yes, every contestant gets a cot for a last minute rest. I have gone to a race before and they had just that. Also, you can see in a Harry Potter movie, The Goblet of Fire, that the tent they are in before the dragons does have cots.

There is a single stock station, but they actually expect you to either A) Bring enough food for all seven days. B) Hunt for your food. C) Go on the food you can get. As ponies are herbivores, it's actually pretty easy for them to find food, really.

When I say, "The fly stayed there for a few more moments before," it's a reference to the simile used moments ago. "The silence continued to hang in the air like a deathly fly..."

No, Gilda isn't trying to kill her, just hurt her -very- badly.

The cots are separated by curtains, but it's not much at all. Literally, -just- curtains.

So, eeyup... I agree, I could see how it would be viewed as "Just another Rainbow Dash story", BUT there are many twists I have in store. Many many many many. Also, it's focusing on Rainbow Dash for now, but by the end, it will be a group thing. The first two chapters will be a little slow, but after that, it picks up pace to a much more tolerable level. Very packed with different events. I just hope I can execute them well.

And, I have to say one thing, DAYUM, you're thorough! I have asked quite a few editors already, and they got a lot mistakes, but I honestly think you pointed out more things to fix than the others combined, even after all the previous editing. You're truly a magnificent reviewer. Thank you so much! I'll definitely come back for Chapter 2!
>> No. 76257
Okay, from the rate I'm writing it (Yes I said I wouldn't write it, but I couldn't help it), I'll be done sometime next week at the earliest. I'll give you a tidbit from it:

Twilight experiences human food for the first time, in the form of beef jerky, and ends up liking it.

You meet John S. Nipez, nicknamed "Snipes."

The government is still as incompetent as ever.
>> No. 76261

Heh, I'm glad you think so. Also, you do make some good points, not that I agree with all of them, but I could see how they would work. I look forward to Chapter 2!


Sweet, then in that case, I'll tell you what. Since you're working on three now, you probably don't want to focus on two things at once (Especially in the same story.). I'll lump a re-review of chapter 2 in with chapter 3 when you drop it off. Until then, good luck!

And both of you, keep up the fantastic work!
>> No. 76262
As I said, next week at the EARLIEST. End of January at the latest. I wrote four pages in one day, at school, during chem, history, and an elective, so it might go either way. The number of pages has to be double what it would be typed, or else I end up writing too little.

I'm glad you're excited for it. When someone is excited for a story I'm writing, it makes me feel, well, there's no actual word to describe it, it's just that awesome of a feeling.
>> No. 76503
Jmozziel, you're either going to be really happy, confused, or enraged. Someone decided to do a spinoff of Earthside. I'll send him your way for review. The funny part is, I'm not even done writing Part 3 for Shadow Protocol, which means I'm nowhere close to being finished. He's a friend, too.
>> No. 76536
Hello there, first time Ponychan poster. First time writer, for that matter.

I've only got six pages right now. Worth showing anyone yet? I don't know, so hopefully you can breeze through it.

Title: "Applecore" (for now)

Synopsis: Applejack is visited by an estranged cousin, Applecore, machinist extraordinaire. Story stops in the middle of a flashback.

Tags: [Normal] [Steampunk] possibly?

>> No. 76577
File 132587982589.png - (20.91KB , 250x141 , chimes_by_johntb_Minimized.png )
Good morning Jmozziel.

Firstly, a warning. Chimes is a story with nearly only OC characters, the show characters that is in it will only appear briefly.

Secondly, it contains some gore on its places, not cupcakes like, but gore nontheless.

Third, english is not my first language. The first two chapters have been completely grammarly corrected, the rest have only had the worst parts removed (misspelled words, and stuff like that, not checked for grammatical corrected sentences.)

And I'm really sorry, but I'm horrible to explain what it is about without spoiling the story.

From others have I gotten words like "its hard to stop read" and stuff like that, but I have no idea why. I might be blind for whats wrong, but I know that its something that is shit with it.

I have tried to keep it as canon as possible (background facts and the like) atleast up until episode 9, season 2 (the time when Chimes was finished.) but any misses in the canon information will be fixed after best skill.

And lastly, thank you for doing this, the whole review thing over all. A lot of bronies does not hear it enough, but what you do is important for a lot of people. You and all the other reviewers have my, and many others with me, greatest thanks.

(And if it's not to much to ask for, could you give me small chapter-for-chapter reviews, making it easier for me to edit. Not needed but I would really appreciate it.)


Enjoy the read and once again thank you.
>> No. 76652
Earthside: SP - Part 3 is currently at 7 pages (On paper). Once I reach 12 pages, I'll begin typing. Once it's done, you're the first person who's going to get a taste of it.
>> No. 76654
heh, Sorry guys, I got distracted. I'll get to Applecore tomorrow afternoon after work, and then either tomorrow evening or sunday afternoon I'll get to Chimes in the Dark.

Cool! I'm look forward to it!
>> No. 76691
Someone I know, named Galactic Nightmare, asked me if he could write a spinoff of Earthside. If you see Earthside: Red Twilight, know who posted it. He's pretty good, though I have a biased opinion.

You're pretty fair to people when it comes to reviewing, so I'll swing him your way first.
>> No. 76729
Some notes at the beginning: The prefered style of writing fan fiction is two lines between every paragraph. It makes it easier to read when you consider that the people reading this are staring at a screen.

Placing events: There are some points in the story that I notice descriptions or events that should go elsewhere. I think I point out most of them, but read through and see if you can find more.

Chapters: Put each chapter in it's own document. It'll just mess up formatting if you upload it to FiMfiction, and that's what EqD would tell you if you submitted there.

Chapter 1:

> In their absence...
Just how long have they been gone? Draughts hardly happen overnight.

> and Applejack struggled to break the hard soil.
This paragraph is describing the weather in Ponyville. Therefore this should go in the next paragraph when you introduce Applejack.

> The roots would not take to their new home, she worried.
This seems a tad awkward, I think it should be rearranged. Also, this seems like you should be placeing it elsewhere. Somewhere like after describing the sappling?

> this plot on the edge of Sweet Apple Acres, hugging the road that led to town, was the newest expansion for the farm’s staple crop.
Needs a few words at the very end, otherwise it's a random description of the plot and advances in SAA. Also, if you add the suggested words, delete the last was in this sentence. Perhaps: was the perfect spot for new trees.

> Still, she didn’t think the parched ground was ideal for replanting
Still implies that there was the suggestion that the ground was ideal for replanting. In fact, this is kinda a 'no duh' situaton. Of course she isn't going to think parched land is ideal for planting. Delete this entirely.

> some of the young trees nearby were worsening barely a week since their uprooting.
That is the general trend of uprooted trees during a drought. The next sentence is kind of obvious too. Most people may not be farmers, but they get the general idea of no water, no soil= dying trees.

> and the afternoon sun bore down relentlessly; no pillowy clouds would filter its intensity this day.
One, we get it, there are no clouds. Two, If anything, this should go back when your describing the weather.

> Odd, she thought, there was not a breeze on the air today. Maybe a critter underground had worked it up.
All thoughts in italics. there was-->there's

> Nonplussed,
I'd go with a different word here. Don't use obscure versions of a word. People will get hung up on them.

> Visits from her friend were not unusual in the lazy mid-summer; she and Rainbow had a comfortable rapport, even given their oppositional stubbornness, and they sometimes passed the evenings together.
Long sentence is long. Long is good, but this is too long. Consider changing it into two sentences.

> trying not to let anticipation into her voice.
She might be invigorated by a stampede (As she is the one that usually halts it), but she would hardly wish for one.

> Rainbow Dash was already thirty pony lengths
I admire your attempt to make up your own unit of measurement, but most authors go with yards.

> but I don't know what it is
She would have an inkling of an idea, add 'exactly' after 'is' (She would be able to compare it to something she is familiar with.

> rattling Applejack's legs splay in every direction.
Period to end the previous sentence (Instead of a comma) Capitilize rattling and comma after rattling. splay-->splayed. I make these suggestions because it could work, but AJ seems a tad bit more solid than that.

> (she had little fondness for any machine that did not run on horse power).
I see what you did there... But the parentheses aren't neccisary. Just throw it in with the rest of the sentence.

> Who would bring such a carelessly violent thing to Ponyville?
Again, thoughts in italics.

> Instead, she hesitated on the toes of her hooves and called to him, "I'll just stay back here in case, uh..." she stammered.
One, ponies don't have toes do they? This would confuse readers not familiar with Pony anatomy. Change it to edge of her hooves. Two, Applejack is pretty straight forward, she would probably call out to the tank, try to find out why it's here.

Chapter 2:

> but she might have expected a warmer welcome than she found.
Especially since Big Mac seems to have been expecting her. Also, just how far from Equestria is she? You said that war was from a far off land. Unless there are other lands outside of Equestria inhabited by ponies. (I assume there is, but you'll have to make it clear later on)

> She alone had a serene, welcoming look.
Again, Big Mac seemed to be expecting Applecore. Also, the name Applecore suggests that she's a relative. Wouldn't the Apple family be more receptive towards a relative?

> the relatives who had all but disowned her.
Ah... I see. Still take note of the first one, scratch the second one. There are notes in them that should still be mentioned.

> Or had she detached herself from them?
At the very least, put this as a thought from Applecore. /or was it me who detached myself from them?/

WHOA WHOA WHOA! I go back on my word two comments ago. Why isn't Applejack being friendly? It seems to me that Applejack really liked Applecore.

> The new interest (obsession was closer to it, Applejack thought)
The new interest, no, /obsession/, had culminated...

> a strange claustrophobia
The fear of enclosed spaces... I don't think claustrophobia is the word you want here. Afterall, you can't get much more open then outside.

> When she rocked downward,
This she refers back to Applejack. AJ isn't wearing the glider, Applecore is.

> (worryingly, there had not been a parachute or landing device built into the machine anywhere).
Don't mention this, just delete it. Also, why didn't any pony just bite off the ropes?

Chapter 3:

> unsuccessfully to <task>
Stuck on the small things? Be vague! Perhaps: She wanted to say that he had already tried, but failed. (Note, this is Applecore's flashback, so it's from Applecore's perspective, she wouldn't know what Applejack wanted to say.)

> “He thinks you could do good for the <word like exertion>.”
Awkward, you should rephrase this. A world like exertion? Perhaps: "He thinks it would do well for you to get some exercise."

> Applejack’s nose was a wedge in the doorway;
Do you hold full conversations with your face pressed to the crack of the door? No, probably not. Either have her all the way outside the door, or have her standing in the doorway.

> on this <thing>
for this task?

> ‘Just like the unicorns!’ they say.”
Ouch... a bit of ponyism here? (Pony version of racism)

You touch on the problem that the story is going to be about, but you don't go into detail. I honestly think you could probably add a scene or two between AJ and somepony else talking about the problem at hand. (Why the drought may be happening, what's causing the fires, etc...) The memory seems kind of random, It's a good background builder for Applecore, but you just stop in the middle of chapter 2 to tell it. Finish up the kitchen scene, write a few more scenes between that point and the end (Good place for touching more on that problem.) Then you can focus on chapter 3 as the flashback.

By the way, the concept sounds good to me. With some skillful writing, you can defidently take this places. Keep writing my friend!
>> No. 76748
Thanks for reading! You got a lot more in-depth than I expected, lots for me to take from this. I'm glad for the pointers on spacing and document uploading, I'll admit I'm new to the fan fic world.

>Placing events: There are some points in the story that I notice descriptions or events that should go elsewhere. I think I point out most of them, but read through and see if you can find more.

Huge thanks here, pretty much agree with all the ones you pointed out.

However, why put thoughts in italics? I dislike using them at all. I've read plenty of books that didn't use italics and I always knew when I was reading a character's thoughts, even the times the author didn't put "he/she thought" somewhere in the sentence. I can see where it simply makes reading easier, but I think if there is a clear contrast between the narrative and the thought, in context, the thought will instantly pop out at you without needing a visual cue. Or maybe I'm making a mountain of a molehill. Moving on!

>Ouch... a bit of ponyism here? (Pony version of racism)

I wouldn't call it racism, but I like the idea that under the surface the earth ponies probably harbor some resentment to the pegasi and unicorns for their natural abilities. I could make reference to the latest Christmas episode. Maybe those feelings that tore the tribes apart years ago never left, they're just well managed. I'd say one reason Applecore wanted her machines to revolutionize Ponyville so badly is because she feels the town lags behind the pegasi and unicorn-founded cities. If it's a hot button issue, I won't explore it too far, it's not the point of my story.

> Nonplussed,
>I'd go with a different word here. Don't use obscure versions of a word. People will get hung up on them.

I don't even know what that word means. Does anyone know what that word means?

... Fine I'll change it.

> trying not to let anticipation into her voice.
>She might be invigorated by a stampede (As she is the one that usually halts it), but she would hardly wish for one.

Point taken

> Rainbow Dash was already thirty pony lengths
>I admire your attempt to make up your own unit of measurement, but most authors go with yards.

You're just no fun! A pony is about a yard long, probably. I guess nothing would be lost for changing it.

> rattling Applejack's legs splay in every direction.
Period to end the previous sentence (Instead of a comma) Capitilize rattling and comma after rattling. splay-->splayed. I make these suggestions because it could work, but AJ seems a tad bit more solid than that.

>The ground was shaking violently now. Rattling, Applejack's legs splayed in every direction.

Hm. I wanted to show how overpowering the tank was, but it would be fine I think to remove "splay" from the description altogether.

>WHOA WHOA WHOA! I go back on my word two comments ago. Why isn't Applejack being friendly? It seems to me that Applejack really liked Applecore.

I'm not sure myself what happens, but there's going to be a schism between the two related to her leaving in the first place that means AJ and AC were not on the friendliest terms the last time they saw each other.

> a strange claustrophobia
>The fear of enclosed spaces... I don't think claustrophobia is the word you want here. Afterall, you can't get much more open then outside.

I wanted it to sound like the darkness felt like a physical presence and frightened her since she couldn't see far, which is why the claustrophobia was "strange," as in not the literal definition. I don't want to confuse people though. I should be more workmanlike with my description.

> “He thinks you could do good for the <word like exertion>.”
>Awkward, you should rephrase this. A world like exertion? Perhaps: "He thinks it would do well for you to get some exercise."

While that's the way a person with proper grammar would speak, the Apple family has a Southern accent. Being from the South myself (not necessarily why I chose to center the story around them, Applejack isn't even my favorite character) I wanted them to speak the way some of the older generations around me might speak, although if people are confusing it for me not understanding grammar, then it's no good.

As for the other part of that point: exertion... exercise? Brilliant!

For the many good points I didn't bring up, it's probably because I agree with them and have nothing to add. Thanks again for your thoughts, they're all being considered as I re-write and continue building my story!

>You touch on the problem that the story is going to be about, but you don't go into detail. I honestly think you could probably add a scene or two between AJ and somepony else talking about the problem at hand. (Why the drought may be happening, what's causing the fires, etc...) The memory seems kind of random, It's a good background builder for Applecore, but you just stop in the middle of chapter 2 to tell it. Finish up the kitchen scene, write a few more scenes between that point and the end (Good place for touching more on that problem.) Then you can focus on chapter 3 as the flashback.

The drought was originally just a way to reinforce that it was an unbearably hot day, and since there can't be a drought in Equestria without something to interrupt the normal rain schedule the pegasi keep, the fires were an afterthought. It's kind of funny that I had the central conflict right from the start and didn't know it. I was too focused on Applecore's arrival. The weather situation is definetely going to be expanded on.

The flashback is going to be moved to somewhere where it isn't such an abrupt end to the present action. It wasn't supposed to be very long, but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to tell, and now it looks like could be it's own chapter easily.
>> No. 76751

> I can see where it simply makes reading easier, but I think if there is a clear contrast between the narrative and the thought

I guess I was going for a show, not tell point here. There is a difference between " I like Apple Pies" Applejack thought and Applejack sniffed the sweet aroma coming from the kitchen, Boy do I love apple pies!

> You're just no fun! A pony is about a yard long, probably. I guess nothing would be lost for changing it.

*thpptt* noted =P

> The drought was originally just a way to reinforce that it was an unbearably hot day

Hehe, a drought is one hell of a way to do that.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It's refreshing to get feedback like this from the author!
>> No. 76897
At the Brink of Insanity
Celestia has appointed Twilight in charge of an assimilation treaty for her kingdom. However, Twilight soon learns the town is not ready to give itself up, or give up Twilight...
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m4S4MWGaCoEz9tOtfeHHuL6fpG5KUo5HHDv4F7aVTKA/edit?hl=en_US

(Heavily inspired by H.P Lovecraft, but if I stole the title of one of his stories, that was an accident. I did not Cut&Paste at all.)
>> No. 76900
Status: 11 pages. Will begin typing this week.

Part 2 Status: Vindictive review weathered, and part revised.

I've been splitting scenes where it seems most logical so that it's easier to revise later.
>> No. 76929
Chapter 1:
The biggest three things in this chapter are: one, description placement. I point this out at some points, but there are times to describe the setting or other ponies, and there are times to focus on the plot. Second, the formatting is a bit screwed up. There are some sentences that accidently got spaced away from the rest of the paragraph they are supposed to be with. Also, all those paragraphs should be started with an indent. Lastly, some of the dialogue, especially Emeralds, seems awkward and stilted.

> He felt how a pair of hooves gently shaking him,
This whole sentence is really lengthy and wordy. You also take the time to tell us that his dream ended... 3 times. We get it, the dream ended.

> A pair of deep blue eyes which he had been running, fleeing,
This repeats itself. Running from and fleeing imply the same thing.

> found himself stare into the eyes
found himself staring into the eyes...

> The eyes shone with amusement, but a single tear had formed in one of them.
A sad amusement? Either one or the other.

> Slowly did the deep blue eyes fade away; fading and leaving behind nothing but a feeling of loss inside Notharam.
Wait, is he still dreaming?

> ... but where was he?
Rhetorical questions are asked to somepony in story, not to the readers. At this point, we don't know if he's with any other ponies. Delete it.

> He didn’t have any choice but to stay on the cold, dusty stone floor.
Ya, not being able to move at all implies that.

> said a greenish unicorn who walked into his vision.
Awkward. The very fact that there was dialogue implies that some pony spoke, and considering Notharam can't move, it can only be this new character. Perhaps: A green coloured unicorn walked into Notharam's vision.

> and saw the gray mare
'the' implies that he already knew about the gray mare when he actually didn't. Also, there are two other possiblities as to who could have awoken him. Why is he guessing the mare so fast?

> “I’m Notharam, first guardian of Cloudsdale. What is this place? Who are you, and who are those two ponies? Why am I here?”
His first reaction is to be all friendly and introduce himself? I don't know...

> trying to awaken the small filly
The filly was asleep? Why wasn't this mentioned before? You know, back when you first describe the scene?

> Unsteadily did he get up with help from Emerald.
Unsteadily, he got up with help from Emerald.

> He gasped in surprise of the pain that shoot through his body from the right-wing. The pain disappeared in seconds.
This repeats the already known fact that his right wing hurts. Try rearranging and rewritting this and the last sentence.

> Notharam couldn’t help himself but think that the wing must have been damaged somehow; he couldn’t use it, it only hung useless from his side.
Brilliant, Sherlock!

> Emerald didn't seem to notice that Notharam looked at him,
This whole paragaph is one that I'm iffy on. I think you could write a better paragraph that advances the plot to Notharam following the other ponies.

> Notharam followed and together did the two ponies trot towards Mistrunner, their hoofsteps swirling up dust from the stone floor.
Just how far are they across the room? You make it sound like they had to do a significant amount of traveling.

> Withstanding the small pain emerging from the wing, did Notharam looked around the place he had woken up at.
Awkward. Perhaps: Finally free of the venom, Notharam finally had time to look around the dark room.

> The roof had crashed down,
Join the rest of the description of the room with the rest of the paragraph. Also, I think you mean ceiling, not roof.

> “Who... what, are they?” Notharam asked himself loudly.
Issue! He doesn't know what an alicorn is, or recognize the princess of all of Equestria, or recognize Luna? Okay, maybe I could see him not completely recognizing LUna, but the whole alicorn thing...

> The pegasi makes sure that the sky is clear every day and every night, while the earth ponies make sure that the gardens are in perfect condition every day of the year.”
The mention of pegasi and earth ponies seems weird in context with the rest of the quote. Also, random, huge info dump. Why do we need this?

> still trying to wake it up.
Fillies are not common objects, use 'her' in place of 'it'

> “Ah, you are awake. Good.” Mistrunner smiled at him,
She's concerned and then all of the sudden all smiles. This doesn't make sense.

> Emerald laughed softly behind him.
This seems to be hardly the time to be joking about chasing after mares.

> Not a hard worker, mind you,
Ouch thats a slap to the face... An insult if I ever saw one. Told infront of the said mare it was intended for, no less.

Oh, I see, they were joking around. Joking around seems out of context considering their situation. (You know, having been drugged and waking up in a strange place.)

> I have yet to catch the name of that pegasus,
He did tell them...

> “I’m Zinky from Ponyville.” The little filly started to cry again.
Odd choice of naming. I'd suggest doing a little research on naming ponies.

> Zinky immediately stopped crying, and looked in awe as Emerald rose from his knees and picked out a lollipop from one of the saddlebags.
A librarian just /happens/ to be carrying a lollipop in his saddlebags. (Wouldn't he be strict about no food near books?) Also, you better have a good reason for letting him keep everything in his saddlebags. Afterall, kidnappers don't want victims to pull any sudden surprieses from their bags.

> Notharam must have given Emerald a questioning look, since he looked at him and said:
This is a really telly statement... It needs to be rewritten.

> Emerald shook his head, his light yellow mane whirling around him.
Description of Emerald's mane should have gone back to when you initially described him.

> but from where?
Again, don't ask rhetorical questions unless he's talking specifically to another pony (Or anything else he may talk to.)

> The little filly pressed herself against one of Mistrunner’s legs, eyes wide in fear.
I want you to do a little experiment. Place your face against the wall as if you were afraid of something in the room. Now, tell me, did you squeeze your eyes shut in terror like I think you did?

Never use all caps to denote shouting. The fact that you say 'Mistrunner shouted out,' tells us the dialogue was shouted.

> The owner of the voice laughed,
No, the co-owner of the voice laughed... *Sarcasm* just keep it to the voice laughed.

> Notharam could hear another sound in the distance, a sound of something dripping onto stone.
That would have to be one hell of a loud drip to be heard at a distance... over a pony sobbing.

> This game is a game of life and death; if you lose you lose your life to me, if you win then you are free.
Wait, he said they had been taken to this temple to be sacrificed. Now he wants to play games with them? Logic?

> if there actually were any windows in these halls.
Assuming Emerald has been up for a bit, we can also assume he would have examined the room himself. He would know there arn't any windows and that's why it isn't lighter in the room. Also, the ceiling has caved in, surely that would reveal some light for them to see. Unless it leads to a second floor or something.

> But the goddesses demand sacrifices; the harmony must not be contested!”
Emerald told us that the Princess didn't want to be worshipped... why would she be demanding sacrifices then?

again, don't use all capitals.

> behind only the sound of the crying Zinky
Awkwardly phrased. behind only the sound of Zinky, crying.

> sound of something dripping on the stone floor not far away.
again, drips are pretty quiet.
>> No. 76930

Request time:
I'm going to invoke rule #6. I was sitting at a comment every 78 words and I didn't even touch on grammar. I'm sure that a reviewer well versed in grammar could easily double, or even triple the number of comments. Also, I can tell you aren't a native english speaker and that hinders my reviewing (I.E. Some concepts don't translate well and make it hard to know what you're talking about). I'm really sorry, and I really hate to envoke the rule, but 45k words in this style is just a bit too much for me.

I'll offer a suggestion, pop in the IRC, ask around, find a reviewer that is good with translations to english grammar mistakes. It'll help... a lot. You could also dump this in the training grounds. The wait may be a bit longer, but someone better at grammar then I would pick it up.

I like the concept, I really do. I think I've read similar concepts in other places, but it would be cool to see how ponies react.
>> No. 76957
Part 3 of Shadow Protocol will be done by the end of this week. On Saturday. I first will send it to another reviewer, who does Vindictive reviews. Then I will send it to you, because you've waited so patiently. Thirdly, another reviewer will get to see it AFTER your review.

Tidbit from it (Though i think I already mentioned this):

Twilight discovers human food, specifically, beef jerky, and ends up liking it, even though Victor explains what it is.

((I have a knack for making characters seem either incredibly bland, or way too indepth. Reviewers like you and Vimbert allow me to go towards the middle.))
>> No. 76961

Hmm... Lets see... who do I know that does vindictive... You could always drop this in the trainground que and request vindictive... Someone will oblige.

Anyways, thanks for the updates!
>> No. 76965
Vimbert the Unimpressive does Vindictive.
>> No. 76987
First, a big thank you that you took the time to check chapter one, I can see a lot of the errors you have pointed out, and going to explain at least some of them.

> The eyes shone with amusement, but a single tear had formed in one of them.
The tear thing explains later, tears can stay even after they have formed, so I did not see any problem with them shining with amusement and there be tears left.

> Slowly did the deep blue eyes fade away; fading and leaving behind nothing but a feeling of loss inside Notharam.
Nope, not dreaming.

> ... but where was he?
More questioned to himself than anypony in particular, or the readers.

> He didn’t have any choice but to stay on the cold, dusty stone floor.
More a chance to tell the readers that it was a dusty stone floor than anything else.

> said a greenish unicorn who walked into his vision.
Gonna change that.

> and saw the gray mare
Same as above.

> “I’m Notharam, first guardian of Cloudsdale. What is this place? Who are you, and who are those two ponies? Why am I here?”
Well, I'm not the best with dialogue (as you might have guessed already). So here is it more to move the story with a name and get them closer together. And I have always thought about Emeralds voice as calming, perhaps I should add that somewhere...

> trying to awaken the small filly
Gonna add that, thanks for pointing out.

> He gasped in surprise of the pain that shoot through his body from the right-wing. The pain disappeared in seconds.
Gonna look over this.

> Emerald didn't seem to notice that Notharam looked at him
A part of this was added as an after thought, when I remembered some things about later chapters. Gonna look over this paragraph and other similary written ones.

> Notharam followed and together did the two ponies trot towards Mistrunner, their hoofsteps swirling up dust from the stone floor.
Big room, but gonna shorten the sound of distance.

> Withstanding the small pain emerging from the wing, did Notharam looked around the place he had woken up at.
Yea, gonna rewrite that part as well.

> The roof had crashed down,
Yepp, ceiling. (At this part was my english pretty much roof = ceiling. Have to recheck all of those words I can find.)

> “Who... what, are they?” Notharam asked himself loudly.
Yea, this part definetly need to be changed. At least the alicorn part. Had completely forgot this sentence, must have missed it when I read throu the first time after this kind of things...

> The pegasi makes sure that the sky is clear every day and every night, while the earth ponies make sure that the gardens are in perfect condition every day of the year.”
This part, at least the information dump, was more something I believed that Emerald would said when talking around the subject. Will look over it.

> Emerald laughed softly behind him.
Gonna look this and the rest of the joke part over as well.

> I have yet to catch the name of that pegasus,
He told Emerald, when they stood and talked.

> “I’m Zinky from Ponyville.” The little filly started to cry again.
This name was more a tribute to a friend, whos RP character during the rp this was written from was named Zinky.

> Zinky immediately stopped crying, and looked in awe as Emerald rose from his knees and picked out a lollipop from one of the saddlebags.
The kiddnapper does not care, call it over confident if you want. The book and feed thing have to be looken over thou.

> Notharam must have given Emerald a questioning look, since he looked at him and said:
Gonna re look this as so much else.

> Emerald shook his head, his light yellow mane whirling around him.
Gonna fix that.

> but from where?
Looking over, but I think I will use that he questioned himself.

> The little filly pressed herself against one of Mistrunner’s legs, eyes wide in fear.
Did not think about that, changing as well.


> The owner of the voice laughed,
Thought it sounded awkward

> Notharam could hear another sound in the distance, a sound of something dripping onto stone.
Yea, have to check that out as well.

> This game is a game of life and death; if you lose you lose your life to me, if you win then you are free.
Once again, over confidence. And wants to give them a fair chance. Thanks for pointing out, gonna check it.

> if there actually were any windows in these halls.
He have seen one room, it might as well be the center room. (For what I know does the center room rarely have windows if there is other rooms built around it). The ceiling is explained in later chapters as well.

> But the goddesses demand sacrifices; the harmony must not be contested!”
Emerald told, this one have a different way to see it. (Think about two religious people, they might have the same religion but they make see the "holy book" from different views.) (Bad example is bad.)

Again noted.

> behind only the sound of the crying Zinky
Gonna fix that.

> sound of something dripping on the stone floor not far away.
And lastly gonna look this over.

Thanks for the review of chapter one. Finnaly I get something to work on, others have a hard time to give me that...

Gonna look over that paragraph thing, must have missed spaces when I moved it from gdoc to Fim (I have the need to keep all the lines whole on a page and not have them stopped in the middle of a sentence to keep going on the next side, and I guess this is a side effect of that.) I have, to be honest, completely forgotten to format it to be easier readed.

Once again, thank you. I really appreciate this and will look over and fix the things you have pointed out together with some other things. (Especially the dialogues...)

>> No. 77012
And I'm really sorry if what I wrote earlier was sounding offensive, angry or the like. That was not my intention, I really apprecaite that you pointed all this out for me.
>> No. 77046

No offence taken. I like it when authors defend some points. It really gets them to think. Good luck with your writing!
>> No. 77047
Have to ask, will you take the rest of the story or will you take other fics in between?

And, just to follow up.
I changed the bags to be one that was, to qoute the text:
One of them filled to the brim while the other seemed nearly empty.

And I will have to keep that he hears the dripping sound, even if it sounds illogical. It's the only thing that makes them move later, as soon as I find something to replace it with it will be done.

And once again, thank you.
>> No. 77055

I'll be taking up other fictions. Sorry man.
>> No. 77056
No problems at all, you gave me a start, now I can start to change other chapters as well. You can remove my fic entirely from the list for now (if you have not done that already) and I will return to you when I have edited all.
>> No. 77116

The update appears to have dropped me way down on the /fic/ threads. Contrary to all belief, I don't want an empty thread.
>> No. 77301
File 132626207328.png - (131.45KB , 1008x1050 , amgfillyluna.png )
Hi, Jmoz! Since you've read the first chapter of my story I'd love to drop you my second now that I'm done with it!

Title: Lunar Beginnings
Author: Faintpony
Tags: Mystery, Pre-FiM, Original Characters, Origins
Synopsis: Luna struggles constantly with the rejection of her people, and her own flaws, but through trying to become a better goddess she uncovers a plot to overthrow the two goddess sisters from their thrones. Friends and selves become enemies as her world is crumbles down upon Luna just as she is learning to enjoy it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rpvYbxrRQ9L-VLe42jAL5ZYXEVyedzxKrpIADRguF5M/edit Chapter 1 (Reviewed already, for reference purposes)
Chapter 2 (Needs to be reviewed)

I eagerly anticipate your review!
>> No. 77305
Only if you're not too busy:

Title: Second Chances
Author: The Captain
Tags: Adventure, Redemption, OC Pony
Description: After being left for the final rest (ya know, death for TV-Y ponies lawl), Chance finds himself renewed and given another shot at everything. {Several chapters are in mind, just wanted to see if the premise if worth it to continue)
>> No. 77306
I believe you forgot to post a link
>> No. 77309
Oh gadfrey, sorry bout that:
>> No. 77375
Comments in document.

Some things of note:

1. First person perspective will get you chewed to pieces by any reviewer. Unless it's written near perfection (imo) it just sounds like your character is sitting down with some buddies and telling them a story. It sounds awkward... I'd suggest taking the time to rewrite in third person limited.

2. Placement of descriptions. Some descriptions aren't whole (*Cough* The description of Chance before the transformation. I explain a bit more in the in document stories.

3. I suspect your character would break the Mary Sue scale... Badly injured pony, magically cured, given super powers, inexplicably from Ponyville, knows Rarity, Almost immediately forgiven by her, back to being lovers real quick. That... that just screams Mary Sue and EqD will send it back quick like for that very fact.

4. You really glaze over the explanations in the story. You don't tell us why he had been thrown into a ditch, except for the fact that his employer was angry at him for some reason. You say, oh, my character has a long story, and then skim over it, rather taking us only to his departure from Ponyville. You skip over why Rarity was so upset by his departure. (Surely it couldn't be just because he didn't say a good enough good bye.) You explain almost nothing about his job. I think you get the idea.

5. Rarity feels pretty out of character, and you have some issues with lavender unicorn syndrome (Using descriptions to point out a known pony).

Overall: This is going to need a major overhaul. In fact, I suggest you scrap this chapter and rewrite it completely. Your character is too much of a Mary Sue (Essentially a character with qualities meant to set him above all other characters, I.E. Instant love or hate, Immediate acceptance. I suggest you run Chance through a Mary Sue test). This screams cliche "Super Pony" story... What are you going to do to set your story apart from every other "Super Pony" story?

Alright... I'll be honest, brutally honest. I strongly dislike your story. (Not to say that others would like your story, but...) I'm sorry.
>> No. 77415
I honestly thank you for reviewing that. I had no idea that you'd go so in depth with it, but I appreciate a lot. I was probably seeing the story with rose-colored glasses, but, thanks to your comments, I can see how trashy it really is. I get in this rut every once in a while where if I start writing something, I just figure that it'll be good and original. Definitely a bad habit I have, makes me a putz for having you read that (as in writing such a pathetic story). Just gotta scrap the story for sanity's sake.

One quick question, initially I was trying to be clever by explaining the job/earlier life/power/boss details in the next chapters. I tend to visualize in episodic pattern, add drama/intensity or some crap like that. Then again now I'm just rambling and making excuses for that atrocity of a story. Anyway, the question: is it better to reveal details like that at first?

Again, thank you and I apologize for how painful that was (complete sincerity.)
>> No. 77416
Fetch, sorry bout the errors in that thank you note.
>> No. 77417
The grammar I mean. That's all, gotta stop myself before I appear even dumber.
>> No. 77420

heh, no problem. I make mistakes like that all the time.

I think what I was trying to point out is you could have done a better job dangling the 'mystery job' a little better. You could reveal a bit what it's about early on. Maybe start with some dialogue about him getting thrown out, have him make a statement like "I promise, I can push these drugs better!" Or whatever his job is. Just little hints like that. You could also give some examples of the punishment he would expect at being found alive. You could have him go over a basic personality profile of 'the boss'. Those are just my suggestions, but I think they'd work.
>> No. 77474
ETA, after January finishes. I need to get studying like mad here, and writing isn't helping me with that.

So, yeah, it'll be typed after January. Working on school stuff for exams and such, and trying to remember where some of my assignments went.
>> No. 77536

Comments in document.

So far so good, it seems you've done a very good job with the other reviewers comments. I honestly don't have anything to complain about out here that I haven't already addressing in doc. Good Job! Keep up the good work! I'd personally say you should give the first two chapters a run by EqD once you finish with this edit.

Speaking of EqD...[Mumbles about waiting]
>> No. 77580
File 132641894387.png - (305.98KB , 668x688 , fluttershyholdbreath.png )
Really? Equestria Daily? Well, the pace at which I'm writing is pretty slow. Don't they usually like to know that you have a schedule and such?

Or will they just read it and accept it/reject it and tell me what's wrong.
>> No. 77592

The second one. As long as you do update, they're fine with it.
>> No. 77848
File 132656345006.png - (143.25KB , 911x876 , twilight_is_excited_by_dentist73548-d4ag17p.png )
Hello, Jmozziel! I recently had my fanfic published on Equestria Daily. No negative comments, but I'm uncertain if the low ratings are because of trolls (grimdark/shipping), or the story simply not grabbing them. Whatever the case, I've finished Chapter 2, and the thing I really need help on is this: plot. Need to get my characters less OOC, perhaps lengthen a few scenes, and perhaps catch and kill any plotholes I find!

The tags are Grimdark, Adventure and Shipping.

Synopsis: After an inexplicable explosion ripped apart the Everfree Forest, the sun that blessed Equestria and its neighboring kingdoms and city-states evaporated, and Celestia was gone with it. Few remain upon the Earth to ponder if it was mere coincidence, or what was the royal army doing so close to the forest. A unicorn, a griffin, and several uncanny companions begin an epic journey to ask, answer, and cheat the question through will, loyalty, and pure luck: What happened to Equestria?

Here's the first chapter,

Second's here,

Comments enabled for your convenience!
>> No. 78069

Review in doc and I think we covered most of the stuff I would normally mention here while talking. Only just need to do an overall impression at this point.


I liked the first chapter. It was well done and pretty enjoyable to read. The biggest thing I can see so far is you accidently describing Rarity as a lavender unicorn. Just remember, if you describe a pony by colour, you refer to their coat, not their mane. Also, in chapter 2, you start to get a little sick with LuS, but it isn't as horrid yet to hospitalize you; so to speak. Anything else that we didn't talk about? Nope, I think that's it for me.

Keep writing my good friend! I can't wait to see the final draft on EqD and possibly a chapter 3 somewhere in /fic/ (Either in here for a review, or on ttg, or in someone else's thread.) Any questions? Don't be afraid to post them right here in the thread!
>> No. 78070
File 132665927619.png - (48.49KB , 523x543 , twilight_pocket_by_oceanbreezebrony-d46nobl.png )
I'll throw the next chapter here without a doubt. This has been a very lovely review! Also, you seem to have missed the comment I sent in response to it. Rarity is not accidentally described as lavender — it's noted in the first chapter that Theranius sees her mane as dark blue with a strip of pink, which is meant to clarify that this is no error (which a lot, before the final draft was made, thought it was.)

Thank you a lot for your review! It was very, very in depth, and I'm definitely going to come here every time if you wouldn't mind. ;)
>> No. 78071

By all means, keep coming here!

And comment acknowledged.
>> No. 78097
File 132666902858.png - (14.81KB , 213x177 , 63excitedtrue.png )
What the hay? I'm always looking for more opinions.
Some reviewers of the first chapter said the paragraph structure was a little off so I hope the structure's a little better in both the redone first chapter and the second chapter.
Thank you in advance and I hope you enjoy.
>> No. 78111
I've become an editor here on ponychan, so if you need to share workload, or something like that, send them my way.

Acheron The Editor - Let Me Help You!
>> No. 78357
Here's yet another fic for you to review. Feature's all OC's going on a crazy adventure. Not grimdark or clopfic in the slightest.


And I'll leave you to it. Comments are enabled if you want to give the review there, I dunno.
>> No. 78549
Chapter 1:

> This was Princess Celestia's star pupil and she didn't know one of the most basic concepts of Far East philosophy?
Question in text... This could easily be done as a thought. Afterall, he's asking himself. Not the audience that he can't see.

> Twilight moved closer to Star and the book wanting to get a better view of the text.
Comma after book

> Yang is the light it is the masculine. Yin is the shadow it is the feminine.
I'm pretty sure you need a semi colon after light and shadow.

> "Well that doesn't seem too hard to understand it's basic duality."
I'd reword this. Perhaps: "Well, the concept of it its duality doesn't seem hard to understand."

> Star was now a bit unnerved by having a mare so close to him. He was never good around mares
I'd reword this. Perhaps: As Twilight read over his shoulder, Star felt a bit unnerved. He had never felt comfertable being this close to mares, even brainy ones like Twilight.

> "W-well you s-see"
Period after s-see.

> he stopped on a page with a circular picture that was split into two teardrop-like halves
And the book he had before didn't have an illustration of the yin and the yang? (Pictures in books like these would be called illustrations, just so you know.)

> Twilight once again trotted closer inspecting the illustration
Twilight would be more likely to levitate the book away from star then to approach him to read over his shoulder. (This also applys to the first time she went up to him.)

> See aside from believing in the dualistic aspect of nature Far East ponies
You see. Comma after see. Semi colon after nature.

> "Like how light casts a shadow."
Light does not actually cast a shadow. What casts a shadow is the object in the way of the light. Perhaps: "Like how light causes shadows."

> Star's face was beginning to turn a shade redder out of embarrassment
His face was already red? Nope, it can't turn redder if it isn't red in the first place.

> he was some pathetic loser pony
As opposed to what? A loser gryphon? No, we know that he's a pony. No need to include that tidbit of info.

> "Well the subject definitely sounds intriguing maybe I'll look into...
"Well, the subject definitely sounds intriguing. Maybe I'll look into it...

> I'd probably be the one pony who could help the most."
This is both true and false. True, because she has connections to the Princess, however, it is false because she doesn't know much about the culture he wasn't to go to. Also, I'd like to bring up the argument that well Twilight is the student of Celsetia, there are probably ponies a little better connected to politics than she is. In this matter, their words would weigh more than hers.

> "Why? Why do I have to be so scared around mares? They're just other ponies! UGH!
Thoughts are in italics. Also, that 'UGH' shouldn't be all caps.

> Star thought but all that came out of his mouth was a meek
Comma after thought.

> I mean you spend almost as much time
Comma after mean.

> I do in the library and I live here."
Comma after library.

> "Speaking of which"
This impllies that Star and Twilight were talking about the general subject. (In this case, being ready.) They weren't.

> a vase, a blue feather, and a griffon claw.
What? A griffon claw? That's something very unusal for ponies to have... considering they don't seem to particularly take to removing appendages from the dead.

> the dragon was carrying Star couldn't help but be curious,
Comma after carrying. Period after curious.

> in theory so does my variant
The very fact that it's a varient of the spell implies that she would need reagents. Delete this.

> So now I'm putting my theory to the test.
Replace 'theory' with 'version of the spell'

> Next to mares tests were easily the thing that frightened him the most.
comma after mares.

> While this wasn't a written test the idea of unexplored magic
Comma after test. Unexplored magic? No, it's been explored. It would be unexplored if it was a /new/ field of magic or a very obscure magic with very little info.

> "it can also be applied to living things as well.
But a few sentences back, you said that it only slightly transfigures inanimate objects.

> "I mean maybe I'm overthinking it...
Comma after mean. and a period after it.

> maybe mares are just like stallions.
That's a silly thought... I don't think this is really accurate. Especially for somepony as well read as Star.

> "Then why don't you have a fillyfriend hay why don't you even have a mare who's a friend.
Question mark after fillyfriend. Question mark after friend. Also, he seems to be friends with Twilight.

> As Star waged a mental battle with himself it was interrupted by a panicked shriek.
Reword. Perhaps: Suddenly, a pnicked shriek interrupted his thoughts.

> "EEK!"
You don't say stuff like eek. It's a word used to represent a sound. I'd just get rid of this.

> Rather this magic was white and crackling like electricity.
You mean like the magic of the more complicated spells that we see Twilight cast? I.E. Defeating the Ursa Minor, or giving Rarity wings.

> "I don't know this wasn't in any of my hypotheses or theoretical examples!"
In the show, it looks like magic doesn't just happen. It only lasts as long as the unicorn who is casting it keeps it up. It also appears that hard spells like this require all the focus of the unicorn. This brings up the question: Why is Twilight speaking if she has to concentrate so hard on this spell?

> "It's not being powered by my magic I'm sure it will disapa-OH Buck!"
Again, magic just doesn't happen. SOmething has to be powering it. At this point, two things are possible. Either, something you say later on will clear this up and void these last two comments, or, you'll need to write in something to give it power.

> What happened next can only be described as sounding like the loudest thunder imaginable and looking like a miniature hurricane mixed with an explosion. The world went black on Star.
Reword. Perhaps: The ball of magic hit him with a thunderous crash, sending him flying. It was the last thing he was aware of before falling unconcious.

> "feels like I just got bucked by Applejack."
He hasn't ever been bucked by Applejack, he wouldn't know what it feels like. Perhaps: "This is what I imagine it would feel like if I got kicked by Applejack."

> "*Cough Cough*
You don't put noises in. You imply the noises. Like so: A coughing noise came from the bruised pony.

> anger laced his voice, "
Okay, he was just hit hard enough to be knocked out, he wakes up a minute later, and his first reaction is to chew out Twilight. I think he would be more focused on the fact that he may have some cracked ribs and nasty bruising. Also, Up until this point, he's been a nervous wreck. Then, SUDDEN ANGER! There isn't any build up, no indication. It just happens.

> safe you said, that thing blew up right next to me!
I think you're trying to jibe Twilight here. If you're going to be mean: "It's safe, you said. Oh, don't worry, it's only a small experiment, you said. That thing blew up right next to me!" (Also, it only hit him because he was dumb enough to not be watching it...)

> As it did Twilight was able
comma after did

> started doing magic that stuff is always crazy.
Period after magic.

> Twilight's mouth was now nearly touching the floor.
That's some jaw she has there. No, I think you mean that her jaw hung open in amazement.

> Oh Celestia did my hair
Oh Celestia...

> he brought a wing to his forehead
That's an awkward angle to bend ones wing... He'd probably just use a hoof.

> "Oh no did that spell turn me pink? It did didn't it?"
Oh no... and comma after it did

> "Ok not my mane not my body… what is it?"
Comma after mane.

> Star looked at Twilight with anger and panic.
Why is he angry? He doesn't know what's wrong yet. Perhaps a combo of confusion and panic?

> "I can't be seen like this what'll everypony think?
Exclimation point after this.
>> No. 78550
> "Oh sweet Equestria what if somepony from Canterlot finds out?
Exclimation point after Equestria. He lives in Ponyville. Why would he care about what ponies in Canterlot think? *Gasp!* Is he turning into a Rarity on us?

Never use all caps.

> "We need to get you some clothes to cover up your cutie mark
Ya, cause wearing clothes in a society where that isn't the norm isn't suspicious. Not at all...

> Besides Rarity is a good friend of mine I'm sure
Period after mine.

> she'll be able to whip something up in a jiffy
'Jiffy' doesn't sound like a word Twilight would use.

> Twilight's words were meant to be comforting but they did little for Star:
Comma after comforting. Period after Star.

> Star's voice dripped with misery.
Drip doesn't go with misery. The proper use is dripped with venom. What you want here is simply Star said in misery.

> Even invisible the now-mare felt like all the eyes in Ponyville were watching him.
Really awkward beginning. Perhaps: Even while invisable, Star felt like all the eyes...

> which he often did out of fear,
He... often whispers to Twilight out of fear?

> Yes for the 16th time but it's kind of conspicuous when a pony is talking to herself.
Yes, for the sixteenth time, but it's kinda suspicious when it looks like I'm talking to myself.

> Twilight seemed to grit the words through her teeth.
Twilight: You're really starting to piss me off with these repeated questions, Star. (*Hint* This sounds very un-Twilight like.)

> a brown pony with an hourglass cutie mark.
You seem to want to drop small referances just because. We don't care who this other pony is. We just need to know that his tail brushed against a pony.

> After what felt like a vast journey they finally made it the Boutique.
Comma after journey.

> "Hello" Rarity?"
"Hello? Rariy?"

> came Star's voice from what appeared to be thin air.
Yes, we know that his voice would come from thin air. He's invisable.

> The door opened on it's own to Twilight's knocking.
Why would she knock? It's a store...

> "Oh be there in a minute darling" came a voice from the back of the shop.
comma after oh.

> "Now Twilight what can I do for you… and your friend."
This is a question...

> Rarity stared in some confusion at Twilight and the brown mare next to her.
Why is Rarity confused about a pony being with Twilight?

> "Ah well this is my er friend from Canterlot, she's just visiting town."
Okay... first of all, you start by having him from Apploosa. Then it's implied by the mere fact that he's often in the library that he lives in Ponyville. Now he lives in Canterlot? (My point with visiting the Ponyville library is that it's a very long trip from Canterlot to Ponyville. It took an entire afternoon by wagon, and a good portion of an afternoon by train.)

> Star acted in desperation saying the first thing that came to his mind.
A little awkward. Perhaps: Star blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

> "Oh what a lovely name a bit on the melodramatic side...
Comma after oh. Period after name. And how is Cloudy Sky melodramatic? They all have names like that... Also, comma after side.

> some of Rarity's more exotic aspects.
Oh dear... We're gonna get a bit saucy here, aren't we? I'd highly suggest against writing saucy... Even though Rarity can be pretty sexy... *Cough cough, I said NOTHING Cough cough*

> "Hmm well I don't have anything already made but since you're asking I'm sure I could whip up something quick."
"Hmm... I don't have anything already made, but since you asked, I'm sure I could whip up something."

> "Please it's nothing for a friend.
Comma after please. Rarity would probably be more likely to say "Don't think anything of it, dear."

> Now Cloudy if you'll just step over here
Comma after Cloudy and period after here.

> as if steam would come out of his ears.
One, steam comes out of your ears in cartoons only. NEVER FAN FICTION! Two, steam coming out of your ears is a sign of extream anger, not embaressment.

> Luckily before Star let something slip
Comma after luckily.

> you know how some ponies are right?
comma after are.

> Twilight gave smile of pure anxiety.
Why is Twilight have an anxiety attack? She isn't the one that's been genderbended.

> Now Cloudy I promise I won't bite besides
Comma after Cloudy, bite, and besides.

> Rarity's words were meant to hold her ill feelings about her stay in Canterlot
What? Both times she's been to Canterlot in the show, the Canterlotians have showered her with praise over her dresses. Hoity Toity also raved about her dress making skills in once episode.

> But with some encouragement from Twilight's horn
Never start with But or And. Encouragement from Twilight's horn... Sounds kinky, I'm not gonna lie. Perhaps: However, with some encouragement (Or gentle prodding) from Twilight... (Also, comma after horn)

> Magicking a tape measure over Rarity began
Yes, Rarity uses magic in her sewing... Comma after over.

> "Princesses if you can hear me right now I ask for your forgiveness… I might kill one of your star pupils."
Twilight is only Princess Celestia's student, not both Celestia's and Luna's. Also, why so violent suddenly?

> his sanity wasn't in the best order right now.
I'll say, you've only told us this several different times in several different ways.

> "There all done" Rarity withdrew the tape.
There, all done. Also, she withdrew the tape from what? Perhaps you should just say she set it aside?

> I have to admit with a figure like yours you could
Comma after yours

> That was the straw that broke the pony's back.
You're attempting to ponyify a saying that doesn't need to be ponyified. Afterall, we don't say the straw that broke the human's back. (*Hint* just keep it as the straw that broke the camel's back.)

> "A muh muh m-mode- ugh too much can't brain not gxzz!
I think it would be better to do something like: Star's eyes opened wide, his ears started to twitch. He began to speak gibberish before...[Insert something here]

> He promptly hit the floor.
This implies that he literally hit the floor. You want: He promptly fell to the floor in a stupified state. (Or something like that).

> "Oh dear she's even worse than Fluttershy."
comma after dear.

> "Oh um well you see"
Oh... um... well... you see..

> and defeated look on her face.
I would just take out defeated. Nothing has defeated her yet.

> "Twilight I think we should take a seat."
Comma after Twilight. Also, perhaps: Twilight, I think we should take a seat and you can tell me what happened.
>> No. 78553
Alright, this part is just some general observations.

1. You never explain how, or why Star is in the library. You're going to need to do this, Even if it's just one paragraph saying Star walked into the library and greeted Twilight. Ponies just don't appear in places.

2. Sometimes, I feel your story lacks action. A good example is when Star is knocked out, revived, and then just gets up like everything is okay.

3. I'm sure you know this, but your grammar is atrocious! I pointed out what I could, but I know I haven't caught them all. Also, your characters break out of character here and there.

5. I think you have the wrong spell for the spell you want Twilight to be casting. Double check what an Amniomorphic spell is. You might just want to end up going with a transfiguration spell.

6. Star goes from nervous to angry really fast at one point. No one does that usually. Unless he happens to be bipolar...


Wow.. just wow. I'll tell you right now, Twilight misfiring a spell is a very common theme. Gender bending a character might lose some of your audience really fast. You appear to be heading towards doing some OCxTwilight shipping. This too will scare away some readers. Saucy parts, there are a few in there, and they seem to all focus on Rarity. Do you have an obsession with her?

So anyways, what are you going to do to set your story apart from all the others?

One last note:

At this point, I do not think you are ready for a review of a second chapter. Chapter 1 needs alot of work, and you can't get over the second hurdle if you aren't over the first.

I wish you luck and good writing! Any Questions? Don't be afraid to ask.
>> No. 78555

Err... Kirdus? That's a very nice blank document you linked to me. Mind linking me the one with the story in it? (Click on share in the upper right hand corner, change private to anyone with the link. It should give you a link to copy+paste.)

I look forward to looking at the actually story ^.^
>> No. 78616

Yep lol. Hopefully I manage to do it right this time:

>> No. 78619
Well, here's my story, not sure if I'm going to continue writing the dang thing, but I'd like to see what your opinion is on it: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5845/The-Last-Sunset
>> No. 78673
This is immature of me, but in the OP pic it looks like the character is rubbing her rear against that column.
>> No. 78674

Random comment is random. >.<

Also, that's not a she. That's a me, which is a he.
>> No. 78685
Hmm...Well, I figure I should submit this to at least two reviewers. You fit the bill =D

Anyways, this is just the prologue and first part of a story about two OC inventor ponies who just can't catch a break. I'd like to have it reviewed before I decide whether or not to go on with the story.

>> No. 78689
... wow that was pretty thorough. Hmm I think I'll try to work a paragraph in the beginning: that part is always the most difficult.
As for shipping no, not going there with an OC. "Friendshipping" yes, actual shipping, no with a capital N.

Yes, I know it's a common theme but every story needs to get its start somewhere. I'll definitely be re-reading ch.2 again and then maybe I'll come back for another review. Until then thank you for the thorough work.
>> No. 78718

Comments in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You have a habit of repeating descriptions, or describing things later.

2. Occasionally, you have huge walls of text. You need to break those apart. I have a comment indoc telling you how to do it.

3. There are parts you're really skimpy on. I.E. the small memory from Switch.

I'm sorry, I don't really have much to say in the thread. I was kind of turned off by this being a story without ponies. You have some concepts that you skim over. I.E. The whole Storm-wolf thing. For the first half of the story, I was under the impression that storm wolf was a species. Another example: The trees moving and such. I'll just say this. What? Tree's don't move. Atleast, not in the way you imply.

You have Aurora running around. Literally, for the majority of the story, she's just running and being a careless bitch to her siblings by scaring away all the prey. Speaking of prey, This whole story seems to be about the two brothers complaining about the lack of prey. I found it rather boring. Nothing really happened. The most exciting scene was Switch chasing the badger. That only lasted three or four paragraphs. I sat there the whole story saying, come on! Make something happen!

I'm sorry, but this is going to need a major rewrite. Make things happen, develop your characters more though action. Explain more into your concepts. DO SOMETHING!

General errors of fact and character indoc aswell.
>> No. 78722
Alright, you asked for an opinion, not a review. This story has all the makings of a self-insert, end of the world story right in the beginning. You may tell me, no this isn't a self-insert, but with unpony like names such as Erik and Damien, it sure sounds like a self-insert. The simple fix? Change the names to pony names.

Some things I noted in the first half:

1. You treat the candle flame as if it's a living thing. Something that shines it's light specifically at objects. This isn't true as you have it. An open candle would illuminate everything around it.

2. You sound like you took a thesaurus to random words and replaced them with another random word to sound more intelligent. One, some of the words you used are meant to only be used in certain context. You have to be careful because some words are only used when describing a specific sets of circumstances.

3. Also, you keep referring to a secret that Damien obviously knows about. However, you go through half the chapter and don't even give us a clue as to what it's about. It bugs the hell out of me to not know, but it doesn't make me want to continue reading.

Overall: you're going to have to do some very slick dancing to pull this off. I mean, really work on it. Should you continue it? I never say no, I think it's worth a try, however, that's really up to you.

Here, have a sample of review if you so you know roughly what you're dealing with if you so desire to continue:

> The bright candlelight flickered meticulously
Meticulously... paying attention to the smallest detail. You used it in the wrong context. (I'm not sure you even spelled it right.)

> consuming whatever darkness it found with an unquenchable thirst.
Wow... That's one hell of a bright candle to devour all the darkness. I'd just delete this and go with the soft yellow light description.

> adjacent stool which shifted clumsily on three legs.
I don't think shifted clumsily is the right words here. Perhaps: sat awkwardly

> the impromptu shelter,
by the very fact that the tent has furnishings implies that it is not impromptu.

> this time illuminating the table on which it sat.
What? It wasn't lighting the table upon which it sits before? Sense? That makes none!

> There it found itself crossing across and between several dozen books
The candle isn't actually doing the crossing, which is what it and itself refers to.

> overflowing with cigarette buds.
cigarette butts

> Curious shadows graced the sides of the tent, silently dancing in glorious light, illuminating here, now there, with their never ending serenade.
Rewrite. Perhaps: Shadows danced on the wall in the candle light.

> But the fire soon found a new target on which to play
You make it sound as if the light is slowly panning across specific parts of the tent. No, a candle would illuminate the /whole/ tent.

> He was well built for a colt of his size which was no surprise considering he was a member of the military.
How do we know this? What indicates that he's in the military. (I see later on the military jacket. You should mention it early, right around this part.)

> Unreadable blue eyes sat behind thick framed lenses
And yet, you tell us the emotions you can see in his eyes at the beginning of the paragraph.

> although it’s current state heralded far from that idea
Heralded isn't the word I'd use here. Perhaps: although it's current state was a far cry from that idea.

> But at the moment the colt had bigger concerns than the condition of his clothing.
Never start a sentence with but. Unless it's in dialogue.

> scratch his strong chin
His... strong chin? It has muscles? I'd suggest just downright deleteing strong.

> on his course fur

> It wasn’t that the colt was dull, far from it, but he was more of a quick thinker than a deep one.
Nothing suggest that the colt was dull.

> ‘What does this all mean?’ the thought
Thoughts in italics.

> defensive invasion, but that wouldn’t suffice,
Sentence ends after defensive invasion. Start next sentence as: However, that wouldn't suffice,

> And many of them were highly classified files which were not for his eyes
Never start with 'and' either. Also, he's deserting, or disallusioned with the government? Otherwise, why would he have the files?

> note to find a cushion.
Implies that there is a cusion somewhere in the tent. Also, why doesn't he use his pillow?

> The ideas in this book were laughable, if not fanciful at best.
Your going to have to give us some sort of clue as to what exactly in the journal is laughable. I'm sitting here now saying, "Yipee, a funny book, what's it about?"

> Outside the fragile tent commotion wound down as watches were switched and hundreds of soldiers returned to their respected tents to prepare for the harsh cold and darkness that was night.
This should be back by the inital description of the area around the tent.

> Even in the sub-zero temperature
Okay, he's in a tent outside in sub-zero weather and he's only wearing a jacket. He shouldn't be able to feel anything.

> f what he was now reading was accurate and true,
The suspense! Oh the suspence!

Your best bet if you decide to continue, take this to the training grounds here, there are more reviewers who might be willing to take something like this up then I am. Link to ttg: >>76709
>> No. 78723

> here, have a sample of review if you so you know roughly what you're dealing with if you so desire to continue:
Derp. Meant to say, have a sample of a review so you know roughly what you're dealing with if you so desire to continue.

I'll get to you tomorrow after school. As for right now, I've burned out my reviewing for the day. Also, please enable comments indoc. It'll make the review 100 times easier.
>> No. 78733
Not sure how to do that. I'm completely new to Google Documents. Mind helping a brother out?
>> No. 78734

Sure! click on the share button in the right hand corner, then change the option to from 'private' to 'whoever has the link' should come up with a link you can copy, paste into the thread for me.
>> No. 78738
Hopefully this will work.
>> No. 78739

Nope, just forget it for now. >.<

I'll do an in thread review, it's not that much more work.

Anyways, I'll get started tomorrow after school. I burned myself out today already.
>> No. 78741

Oop! I know what you forgot to do somewhere on the share board, there's a 'anyone with the link can... [View]'

You gotta change that to 'anyone with the link can... [Comment]'

My bad, I derped there.
>> No. 78754
Okay, I got it changed for you! Whenever you're ready, comment away.
>> No. 78758
File 132693884045.jpg - (2.77KB , 120x112 , Crazy Twilight.jpg )

The que is CLOSED AS OF NOW. I have to clear my personal que of writing. I don't know how long this will take, but I will be back. Thank you all for supporting me and dropping me the awesome stories you all have. However, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on my writing and my reviewing. AT THE LATEST I WILL BE BACK AT THE END OF FEBRUARY! I do not actually anticipate it to last this long, but that's when I'll for sure resume.

I will finish the one story in que now. Any others that are dropped in will be ignored for a very very long time. So please, check the list of other review threads and bug one of them.
>> No. 78760

When I come back, I will be taking on a new name (And possibly a new thread if this one gets lost enough)

I will be known as Lunar Shadow from now on.
>> No. 78874
File 132699561063.png - (843.60KB , 750x500 , 54417 - artist crappyunicorn celestia evil evilestia Solar_Flare umbrae_nova.png )
Hello Jmozziel! Thank you for offering this service to young fic writers. You do the Element of Generosity proud.

I am looking for whatever feedback I can get on my fanfic, Daylight Burning.

Synopsis: The return of an old foe draws the Mane 6 into a supernatural spy game that will decide the fate of Equestria as a free nation. Can Twilight and company unravel the web of demigods and ancient vendettas before time runs out on the Princesses?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4604/Daylight-Burning

Thank you in advance! Anything is appreciated, from flow commentary, to a brutal rogering about my dialogue.
>> No. 78880
you don't read too much do you?
>> No. 78886

Ya, I'm sorry. I'm not taking submissions right now. I'm burning myself out faster than an alcohol soaked rag with both reviewing and four active projects. Once I can clear my own project list to one, maybe two active projects, I'll be back in the game.

Otherwise, thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate it. Here, have a link to the training grounds, there are tons of other reviewers who'll be less burned out than I am. >>76709
>> No. 78906

Review in doc. It's kinda small, but I have some more things in here to say.

1. You have random descriptions thrown about. Kind of like, "oh ya, I also want you to know this about Tick Tock."

2. If a few paragraphs, you have some crazy fast character switches, so fast it became all he's and she's.

3. Your paragraphs are huge in general. Rules of paragraph. New actor, speaker, or idea, new paragraph.

4. You spend so much time describing the small things. You need to focus more on the big picture or the story. Also, the prologue and chapter 1 don't really connect. You jump from him working and then looking at his sister to his sister's first day.

5. Your prologue is so short, it would be better off as being part of chapter 1.


You've done almost nothing except set the scene. This is important, but setting the scene in a chapter that is pretty much one big description until the end is a bad idea. Spend less time on the small details and more time on the big picture. Otherwise, you're going to lose audiences faster then Rainbow Dash can clear clouds.

>> No. 80181
I'm working on a rewrite for this little part. I'm four pages in, and I plan for it to be slightly longer than normal, since I have to fit a bit more action into it.

New things:

I don't name the "Broken" this time. Twilight and Victor call them cannibals.

The government starts off their little chase by opening fire on Victor as soon as they can see him through the second floor window.

He kicks his window out of the wall. ((Old house, DUH.))

I hope, when I get it uploaded to GDocs, you'll want to have a read? Since Part 2's getting a rewrite, Part 3 is going to be radically different from what I planned.
>> No. 80197
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Coolio. I almost got Chapter 17 of TLaToCM done, but given my rate... >_>

Just two things. First off, I'm going to try and get #17 and #18 done before you re-open the queue, so just a warning(?). Second, can I still call you Jmoz? It's okay if not, though I might end up shortening Lunar Shadow to LuSha or something... Asian-sounding. xD
>> No. 80256
File 132761071498.png - (71.06KB , 125x125 , LunarShadow.png )

Yarg! I'd probably respond to Jmoz. In fact I'd probably respond to Jmoz, Luna, Lunar, LuSha or almost any shorting of LunarShadow.

A Note:

The Que is still closed! If you need to talk to me anymore, come to the /fic/ IRC. Directions here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MJSWi_jtf1_tf3kVIYLusjn2wlq8cXQw1yowDRXkfq0/edit

Look for LunarShadow and go ahead and ping me. If I'm not around, just ask the others where I might be and they'll probably have some sort of info.

Thank you all! Have a good afternoon!
>> No. 80265
File 132762274123.png - (22.45KB , 210x99 , 130807654614.png )
I think you mean "queue".
>> No. 80277
>> No. 80295

Ya... queue. thank you! How embarrassing >.<
>> No. 80707
File 132788525622.png - (410.71KB , 639x524 , 79582 - Cutie_Mark_Crusaders Its_Just_like_Jenga_Yo Not_A_chicken_or_dictionary Stacking Sweetie.png )
Title: The Tale of the Two Fillies
Tags: [Adventure][Slight grimdark later][Sad later][very very innocent and vaguely implied shipping... later]
Synopsis: Scootaloo has long since grown up and now lives in solitude on the edge of Ponyville. When she finds four foals stranded in the middle of a blizzard, she takes them in. To pass the time, Scootaloo tells them a story filled with danger, adventure, and impossible places. But, is the story really fiction?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xGnafuQ6c4plDW6O8hvXMsF3p3BTCyEWZBuJomrvSao/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1
>> No. 80728

Review in doc.

The biggest thing is expanding on emotions and reactions to events.

On a personal note, I'm not sure how I feel about a mean Scootaloo, but you did say certain events have happened... They'd better be some really well written events to change her from a pretty nice filly to a mean adult.

Any questions? You know where to find me.
>> No. 80751
(First, you may notice my name is now different. Refers to my dogged attempts in writing, and how I refuse to give up.)

I've been rewriting Part 2, which means Part 3 is on indefinite hiatus until P2 gets reviewed, and I get help on it.

Part 2's gotten a drastic overhaul, with much more, well, EMOTION.

In the meantime, I'll be letting you know about it as I go.

And I'm going to either call you Jmozza, or Lusha, though I prefer the former.
>> No. 82479
File 132865147985.jpg - (9.76KB , 214x200 , Party in the PIA.jpg )
Guess who's back! This is a 400 comment commitment, I'm nearly half way there. Let us reach that before I make a new thread.

LunarShadow's thread of review is now open for business. yes, I refer to myself as Lunar Shadow now despite this being under Jmozziel's name. BRING ON THE FAN FICTION!

Dedz to the artist of this picture.
>> No. 82527
Chapter 1:

>a baby colt
A foal

> He pushed her back a few steps with his right hoof.
No reaction? He doesn't start in surpries? Cry out? Etc?

> “Soooo, which one is yours?”
So, which one is yours?

> Most of the foals and yearling even had a problem keeping up with her.
Mhmm... Foals and yearlings are very young. That wouldn't be hard. I'm sure you meant colts and fillies.

> the hyperactive, pink, puffball
Do not contract the deadly disease known as LuS. (Lavander Unicorn Syndrom: Using coat/mane colour to show a pony. Especially when we already know the appearance of a pony.)

> This ship was too big, that one too small
This ship? What ship? You haven't described a ship. Perhaps: One ship was too big, another was too small.

> counting himself
Move this to the beginning of the sentence

> his companion had somehow gotten onto his back and was upside down, in front of his face.
Use Pinkie Pie instead of companion. Also, she would have to be seated really high up on his neck to bend over and be in front of his face. OUCH!

> A skull and crossbones
Not sure if appropriate or not. You are aware that pirates are criminals... right? Is that his special talent? Being a criminal? Hardly a pony PP would hang out with imo.

> Pinkamena Diane,” he sighed.
Why all the formalness? Why not Pinkie Pie like everypony else?

> had a silver gleam in Luna's light.
Luna is not actually giving off light. Perhaps: gleamed in the silver light of the moon.

> more than enough to sink any opposing ship.
Except, you know, any ship that is in the navy. (I assume there is a royal navy)

> he couldn't even begin to express
Do take the time to tell us who is the character of the paragraph. Every paragraph should have the name of the main character of that paragraph once, usually at the beginning. Also, capatalize the first letter after that dialogue.

> Sugarcube Corners
Sugarcube Corner

> Now, though,
Delete though.

> He was glad he had taken the time to plan his trip in Sugarcube Corners.
Something like this should go more towards the beginning of the story. Even more so than it already is.

> “Well, love,” Pip jumped in his joy,
Why is he calling PP love?

> to gather his sword.
gather-->collect or get.

> Grabbing the bit of his sword
Grabbing the... handle? (For some reason, a more proper term seems like it would go here, but it escapes me.)

> it was clearly the port authority.
It. Also, or a guard.

> “Dear Celestia, you're a pirate.”
You don't say! I only have a cutie mark of a skull and crossbones! (Sarcasm)

> the lead pony called with an air of importance that only should have accompanied Celestia herself
This would do better before the dialogue starts.

> with a fitting punishment.”
We'll give you a fair trial, but you're going to die anyways. (The mere act of piracy was punishable by hanging.)

> “Well, my gentlecolt, you see
Well my gentlecolt, I would, but...

> on the pirate's head.
Another pirate? WHERE?! Oh, you mean his head.

> she called back,
She called back.

> he laughed.
He laughed. Also, he's talking to PP, but calls overboard? She's not overboard.

> as the cordage hit the water
I'm pretty sure you mean rope. Also, if they're still tied to the dock, why don't the guards just jump on board? Oh, it's too high? Why not grappling hooks? Hey, wait a sec, what about pegasi guards. It seems like Princess Celestia had a lot of pegasus guards.

> the captain called to his mate in response.
Okay, by the fact that you have his mate just before in response, you make it sound as if he's responding to something PP said, which she didn't say anything. Just delete in response.

> he was surprised at how fast she ran about the deck.
You tell us very early on that he's surprised at her agile nature despite her age. No need to tell us again.

> The mainmast of the port-side ship fell
Wow... those cupcakes? Are they rock hard? Um... PP would never let cupcakes get that old, I'm just sayin...

> the wind carried his voice
Captain to captain talk. However, there are two captains. Which captain is speaking? Pip or the captain of the other ship? Specify.

> He walked over to his commandeered cap
His hat was torn off by a cannon ball. There isn't going to be much left of it.

> His Captain's voice in full use
Tell me, what does a captain's voice sound like? perhaps you meant captain's speech?

> We'll fly Celestia's flag until we're stocked up at the next port.
This is a world of magic. The port authorities would be able to magically send a wanted poster to ALL the ports. Or is Pip oblivious to this fact? I mean, he does kinda stand out with a Skull and Crossbones cutie mark.

> she screamed.
She screamed

> She gave her mane a few strokes with a brush
She hears cannon's going off... in harbor, and this doesn't worry her? She stops to brush her mane? What?

> She stopped just in time for the door to fly open, barely missing her muzzle.
I recognize that the battle was short, but considering Starla probably wouldn't stop to brush her mane, she would probably trot up on the fight just as it was ending. Not well after the case.

> The black-maned pony
This would have been something to mention back when you first introduce Starla.

> the angry pony to respond.
Respond? I don't think that's the word you want.

> with a patented Pinkamena Pie smile!
Patented would imply that she went down to the office and got a patent. What?

> for three full minutes
That's a very long time to just silently stand there looking at another pony. PP wouldn't be able to stand still that long.

> A new crew?
How do we know what Starla is thinking? This is from PP's perspective.

> Pinkie Pie, or Pinkie or Pinkamena or sugarcube,
Pinkie Pie, or Pinkie, or Pinkamena, or Sugarcube, atleast, that's what AJ calls me. Attack of the commas! Perhaps you should think about splitting this up somehow.

> in the third stanza
Wow, and she was still standing there trying to comprehend what PP had said by the time th 5th stanza comes around. Starla seemed bright.

> the pink pirate contemplated,
Contemplated means she's thinking about something. She's stating a fact.

> in a three cornered hat.
Again, it was hit by a cannon ball. You might also want to consider finding the name of the actual hat.

> He thought to himself
Wait, this is from PP perspective. What? Then you switch to Starla's. I'll be talking about this.

> a nice silk blanket in hoof.
Um... Silk is easily ruined. I don't think a ship would carry silk blankets. Probably a coarser material.

> In the open water
Now he's in the water?

> his way to the lever that would lower the anchor.
Err... I do believe that the way an anchor is lowered on a ship is with a giant wheel like thingy.

All right, thoughts for chapter 1:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrom: You have it. Do not use the coat colour or mane colour to tell us who is speaking or doing an action. You do this way to often. Do not even use 'the mare' and such. Use their name.

2. In many paragraphs, you just make us assume who's speaking. It's generally considered proper to replace the first he/his/etc... with the name of the pony, just for clarification.

3. Perspective. You have only two that are appropriate in this chatper. Pip's and Starla's. Keep with Pip's except for that one little section introducing Starla. Do not suddenly switch perspecitve from Pip to PP and such. That just get's confusing.

4. It works, but I have a hard time picturing PP accompanying Pip to be a pirate. You know, the age difference and all? Also, give her good reason to leave SCC, such as it closed down for some reason and she couldn't find work. Also, why does Pip keep calling her love? Lastly, just use Pinkie Pie, it's the most recognized form of her name.


This chapter is shaping things up quite nicely. More thought's in part 2.
>> No. 82547
Chapter 2:

> Slowly, a star appeared in the sky. Another, then another soon followed.
Yup, you did say it was night time. It's already dark. The stars would have already appeared.

> Help Us, Pip.
"Help us, Pip."

> he would make sure that all of Celestia's ships met the bottom of the ocean.
This is a story about misunderstanding, isn't it? I say this because Luna seemed very happy to be free from the grasp of NMM and to be with her sister again.

> to Naval Pony's locker
Ponyify Davy Jone's locker. Perhaps... I got nothing. Come into the IRC and ask, they're way better at this sort of stuff then I am.

> From the griffin's nest,
Um... I would assume there are crows in Equestria. I think it would still be called the crow's nest.

> He stretched, finding that Pinkamena had indeed brought him a blanket.
Well, it could safely be assumed that it was PP that brought him the blanket. However, in his groggy state, he'd probably be more likely to think that somepony had brought him a blanket.

> The same dream was given
One does not simply give a dream. Perhaps it haunted him?

> The sound of several cracks found their way through the blanket,
The type of cracks you use makes it sound like cracks, as in cracks in a bench, made noise. Perhaps: As he stretched, the sound of cracking came from his back. After that he felt much better.

> he captain picked up his hat
I'm not gonna lie, this is gonna bug me. A cannon ball would destroy a hat.

> the pink pony pirate shouted.
Again, LuS.

> she was as energetic as ever.
Replace she with Pinkie Pie.

> The purple mare looked up from her nest of blankets
Eek! The dreaded sudden perspective shift! Don't do it!

> But the one in the hat was still
Because hats mean authority! *Puts on his best bowler hat*

> She had backed away as far as she could.
She's still surrounded by 'a zillion pillows and blankets' Have her jump out or something so she can back out.

> until I get to the next port.
Why only to the next port?

> The smile wasn't as dingy
Dingy? Perhaps: ugly? Disfigured?

> all the way up to his eyes.
That's a huge smile. Perhaps: It was a broad, healthy and genuine smile.

> When we go to leave, I'll put you in a lifeboat and you can row into the harbor while we make our escape.”
But, they would have to dock or go to the docks via lifeboat anyways.

> There's quite a few bits to be made living the pirate life.
Poor misinformed Pip. From what I hear, a pirates life was actually quite shitty.

> The captain seemed to be acting very gracious towards her.
No suspicion?

> What did the pink pony know that he didn't.
Question mark at the end.

> The door she had assumed was locked opened easily.
You assume too much! (Starwars referance!)

> “Soooo, I thought
So, I thought...

> The captain's forehoof found its way between his eyes.
You mean... he facehoofed?

> she was starting to be okay with it.
I can see where this is headed. If she's okay with this, why does she want to be dropped off?

> Her sanity was in dire need of it
Not exactly insanity inducing, but...

> I'll go make sure that our accidental stowaway
That's a bit dense. He picked up very fast that Starla was a navigator. Why can't he put 2 and 2 together and figure out she was part of the original crew?

> It was a small room in the aft of the ship
Now, I know almost nothing about ships, but wouldn't the bridge of a boat be outside?

> As soon as night fell, she'd be able to tell them exactly where they were in the ocean and which direction they would need to head.
You told us this, don't get in the habit of repeating yourself.

> He ducked his way back through the door.
And then suddenly he's tall. What? I've never seen a pony need to duck through any door. (Again, I don't know much about ships, so this might be moot.)

> when we reach port.
Question mark.

> “Of course, love.”
So, love is just what he generically calls everyone? He didn't strike me as the type who would speak like this.

> “I Pinkamena Pie Promise,
It's a Pinkie Pie promise.

> “That's what a Pinkamena Pie Promise is, darling,
He's a romantic pirate!

> In the almost-secret drawer lay the old captain's good bourbon.
How is it an almost secret? At that, it's not a secret at all if somepony knows about it.

> “Kumquats!
Unless it's perserved fruit, this would spoil very quickly. Ya, fruit wasn't usually found on ships until refrideration (for ships) was invented.

> We are well stocked, Captain!”
Considering how long voyages are, they aren't really all that well stocked.

> she presented a pie to him to prove it.
A pie seems to be hardly a practical food to have on a ship, unless it's fresh.

> The sun glared down, irritating him.
Curse the sun! Perhaps you meant the sweltering heat?

> This was going to be a very long journey.
Is this regret already?

> repairs, due
Delete the comma

> That was something that Captain Pipsqueak was going to have to get for his crew.
Awkward, reword. You mean he needs to recruit a weather pegasus?

> the entire thing wouldn't have been worth his reading.
Except that it told him some very important information about the overall state of the ship. Perhaps he found it boring, but the ships log is almost never not worth reading.

> He sticking his muzzle
He stuck his muzzle. And you make an excelent point. It is his ship, he can stick his muzzle wherever the hay he wants!

> that ran this ship before
That had run...

Same comments from part one apply here.

You probably noticed, I didn't do much grammar work. I'll tell you why. The majority of it could be fixed by not splitting dialogue down the middle. You do that so often that it's tiring. Just start with the action that sets off the dialogue or the dialogue itself. Generally, don't comma your way into dialogue unless you do something like 'X said, "..."

Again, this is shaping up to be a fun adventure. I like where this is going. PP seems to be in character, except for the fact that she wouldn't fire a cannon at anypony. Pip, there isn't much canon concerning him, but I just don't see him using darling or love as a general name for ponies.

Again, perspective. See part 1.

Keep writing my good friend! Make the changes and then drop this off in the training grounds once again!
>> No. 82556
Nothing but a link. Have fun. Yes it is closed. Send the request for access and I'll open it.

>> No. 82644
Thanks for the speedy review! I was genuinely surprised how little time it took, considering I waited weeks for someone to claim it. To be honest, I wasn't even aware of the "lavender unicorn syndrome" until you pointed it out. When I resubmit, do you want me to do it in this thread?
>> No. 82663

Go ahead and submit it wherever you feel comfortable, though if you're going to be looking for a more in depth grammar review, you should probably research the other review threads. Otherwise, by all means, feel free to drop it off here.
>> No. 82724
Hiya Jmozziel! Hit me with both reviewing barrels, I can take it!

Title: At home on the Range
Synopsis: RD broke AJ's windows while practicing her sonic rainboom, so now she must work of the debt at Sweet Apple Acres. little does she know she'll be driving cattle with Big Macintosh across treacherous terrain.

Tags: [Shipping] [Adventure]

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4686/At-Home-on-the-Range

Thanks again for the second opinion!
>> No. 82748
Thanks! I'm going to start editing tonight (after college work, of course).
>> No. 82759
Chapter 1:

> with the kind of clear airspace she needed to perform unrestricted.
I seem to remember that RD seems to use an open field outside of Ponyville when she flies. Just sayin that this isn't the only area she could fly.

> to help motivate her
Her refers to Rarity. Herself refers to Rainbow Dash.

> , she knew the fashionista would never go for it.
Comma splice. Perhaps: However, she knew the fashionista would never go for it.

> Not twice in one week, anyway.
"Hey Rarity, mind if I drop you from an insane height for the sake of trying a trick I'm not sure will even work a second time?

> she felt the sonic barrier form in front of her.
The sonic barrier is all around us in the first place. She would probably notice the mach cone forming around herself.

> r. And break it she did!
comma after barrier.

> The sun wasn't even up yet, how exactly were they 'burning daylight'?
Rhetorical question is rhetorical. Why can't RD think this? In that case, new paragraph for new character acting.

> I can knock out the weather in ten seconds flat but this?
That's also her job. Consider replacing this with a punishment that Dash thinks would be more fitting for her mistake.

> Applejack answered with an unfamiliar smile.
A... devious smile?

> Rainbow recalled her country pal
New character, new paragraph.

> She had already tried it with Twilight, Fluttershy and Rarity,
I don't see AJ playing match maker. By this, I can picture AJ easily getting herself burnt to a crisp.

> Still, you couldn't blame a girl for trying.
You? Who's you? Oh, Rainbow Dash. Replace it as such!

> with her mathmaticals

> parent-teacher conference with Cheerilee.
Except that AJ isn't Applebloom's parent. She may play guardian, but Granny Smith would legally be the guardian for AB. Granny Smith would go, not AJ. Perhaps just drop the parent-teacher part and leave it as a conference.

> "That could take weeks!"
Is AJ trying to get RD fired? That seems a bit extream.

> Having to sleep in a drafty room
They didn't... put boards over the windows? Or blankets? Or anything?

> she added as they came to the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres
I never saw them start walking towards SAA. All it would take was a 'they started walking towards SAA' a few paragraphs back.

> A herd of about one hundred cattle
Wow, RD counts fast. She gets there and just knows how many cattle are in the herd.

> volunteering Rainbow's wings for her.
Funny, this seems like something AJ would have already discussed with Big Mac. Just sayin...

> , much to Dash's annoyance.
Ugh! How dare you stand up for me!

> she spat defensively.
replace with Rainbow Dash or Dash.

> it wasn't a slight against yer ability
We wern't challanging anything, just wondering if you were good enough to do it. Counterdictory just a little.

> the muted orange earth pony
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Using a pony's coat or mane colour to tell us who is doing something or speaking. Don't get into the habit of this.

> I am. One day,
I am, one day.

> "What say we make it interesting?"
This reminds me of the mideval era speech. I think you meant: "Wadda ya say we make it interesting?"

> the quick pegasus
This also falls under LuS.

> The country mare
Nope, she still hasen't become a city mare. Damn...

> you have to let me practice my routine whenever I want, day or night.
Not that she doesn't do that already.

> harvest-."
Use an emdash (Alt+0151 on my computer) (—)

> "Them's the rules cousin.
Perhaps: Those're the rules, Sugarcube. (Cousin isn't really something AJ would say.)

> your little buddy Scootaloo!
Ouch... talk about a slap to the face. That joke was an inside joke between the CMCs. (And secretly the fandom). I don't think anyone else would really know about it.

> "Mah hat," Mac asked expectantly.
Well, considering AJ has the hat every episode, I'd say it's firmly hers. It's a nice little twist on your part, but it doesn't really fit in my mind. Consider just having Big Mac with a hat already. That might blow RD's mind. Big Mac never wears a hat!

> that one word more than he had ever said to Rainbow at once.
I think you a word or two there.

> the draft stallion

> the cyan pegasus

> but now she couldn't even hang out with AJ while she worked?
Another rhetorical question that would be better thought.

> Big Macintosh had never been on a cattle drive with anypony other than his sister.
Perspective shift! I'll talk about this in another part of the review.

> This Rainbow Dash filly though
You make it sound like Big Mac is just meeting RD for the first time.

> two least favorite things; boredom and not
comma, not semi colon.

> of a stallions voice

> relief on their faces.
Yay potty humor!

> the red stallion
LuS, I'm gonna stop pointing it out from here on out.

> the two ponies thought simultaneously.
Dash's perspective. How can we hear both of them thinking?
>> No. 82761
Chapter 2:

> "Didn't ya hear my sister?"
That's what they're both for. Big Mac may be apathetic on the outside, but he seems pretty sympathetic on the inside. He'd shoulder his fair share of the labour.

> "Unless a'course, you're lookin
As you have this little paragraph, RD is saying this. Clearly, you meant Big Mac to be saying this. New paragraph for a new speaker.

> In an instant,
Except it wasn't in an instant. Dash was glaring at the cows for longer than that before she heard Big Mac start snoring.

> thinking to herself how much it must suck to be a cow.
Show us the thoughts?

> met with a clear blue sky.
I'm just going to say that in fanon, it seems that weather ponies have the ability to make clouds if they have water available to them.

> Just as she completed that thought
but she never completed the thought.

> she brought a foreleg down in a rather unfortunate result of being near cattle.
What? Perhaps: she brought a foreleg down with unforseen consequences.

> to wash it off.
Yay more potty jokes!

> I HATE cattle.
Never use all caps to draw attention to a word. In this case, just put the word in question without the italics.

> calculating coolness bothered her
You need to be awake to have a calculating air about you imo.

> or...any
Rhetorical question! Good place for thinking. Also, don't use those (...)

> farming robot
Given their technology at the time, would they actually have a concept of robots?

> And sleep, obviously.
This goes back with the last paragraph.

> she noticed Mac had taken off the rather large group of saddlebags
She's been bored how long? And she's just noticing them now?

> A harmonica...a tin of tobacco...hello
Commas, not (...) and what? A tin of tobacco? Hmm... I'd personally leave that out.

> she squeaked,
That seems rather Fluttershy like. She would try to be confident to mask her error.

> even farther since Rainbow was already a few hundred feet off the ground.
As far as the eye can see implies that no matter where you are, you can see as far as the eye can see. No need for this little part.

> way of trying to get her alone with her brother.
Wow, RD catches on fast. Though, to be fair, AJ does have good reason to send RD with Big Mac. Namely, it's a large task that would realistically require multiple ponies to do.

> and now she was two hours past lunch.
Nabbing food while Big Mac slept seems like something RD would do. After all, she'd rationalize that it's for both Big Mac and herself. Why doesn't she?

> A big breakfast and big supper are th' only meals our rations can afford us.
He implies that they need to ration their food, but they can have big meals when they do eat? What?

> He noticed her expression
Again, sudden perspective shift. Again, I'll talk about this later.

> had even witnessed on
comma after on.

> of course she could!
Perhaps: she could too!

> "You've never been out under th' stars at night, have ya?"
The show implies that she would sleep just about anywhere... No, she hasn't slept under the stars in flatland country, so she'd be unfamiliar with that.

> Add to that,
Delete the comma.

> But if we make good time, we won't have to worry bout it."
As long as we keep moving, we won't have to worry about the heat or the cold. What?

> Rainbows glaring lack

> This filly didn't know

>can't help herself...
Couldn't. Also, don't ever end a paragraph with (...)

> "I pack some spirits
Oh boy! We're gonna get drunk as hell tongiht!

Specifically 30 minutes later? No, significant passage of time! Divide the two scenes with (---) and a return (Kinda like you have it now, except with the --- instead)

> "Hurrrgh!
Sound effects. One does not simply put them in. You write to imply that they're there. Let us imagine the sound.

> I bet...you
A space between ... and all words.

> he asked impatiently
Big Mac has the patience of a rock, I'm just sayin...

> drunk off her flanks with a goofy grin across her face.
Extream rage! Then suddenly she's all grinning. What?

> 'Well, at least she was a funny drunk.'
She bitched at him and puked all over the place. That's a pretty messed up sense of humor.


Alright, quick note. I'll be doing this in roughly 6 parts. Go ahead, start working on these two chapters but be aware that I'll be saying things in the last part that will have you going back and doing a bit more fixing. I'll get to the next part in a bit. Hopefully I'll be done by tonight.
>> No. 82801
Hey Jmozz, Acheron here again. I'm going to run the rewritten ES:SP Part 2 by you when I finish it.
>> No. 82811
Wow that was fast! Thanks for being so quick about the review! I'll try to address a few concerns, but I'm not as skilled in the ways of the chans to use that awesome bluetext, so please bear with me.

>I don't see AJ playing match maker. By this, I can picture AJ easily getting herself burnt to a crisp.

AJ tries to be subtle about it, but she comes off as obvious to her friends because she's so bad at deception. More on that to come in the later chaps though.

This was a joke. a cheap joke, perhaps not that funny, but a joke nonetheless.

>Is AJ trying to get RD fired? That seems a bit extreme.
This is just Rainbow exaggerating.

>They didn't... put boards over the windows? Or blankets? Or anything?
The Apples aren't exactly swimming in cash, but more on that in the later chapters. If they had blankets, they went to Granny smith and Applebloom. Do you think that's worth mentioning?

Also, about the LuS, are they off limits at all times? It seems that using their names over and over and over gets boring and repetitive. though if those are the rules, I'll follow them.

>Ouch... talk about a slap to the face. That joke was an inside joke between the CMCs. (And secretly the fandom). I don't think anyone else would really know about it.

It was a joke for us bronies.

>Well, considering AJ has the hat every episode, I'd say it's firmly hers. It's a nice little twist on your part, but it doesn't really fit in my mind. Consider just having Big Mac with a hat already. That might blow RD's mind. Big Mac never wears a hat!

The hat is important, and its significance and why she gave it up will be explained later on.

>You make it sound like Big Mac is just meeting RD for the first time.
I actually wrote this before the Super Cider Squeezy 6000 episode came out, so I based their interactions around the fact that I hadn't seen them share screen time, pretty much at all until that episode.

>I'm just going to say that in fanon, it seems that weather ponies have the ability to make clouds if they have water available to them.

Huh, well I must admit I had no idea how exactly they manipulated the weather without magic, nor am I well versed enough in meteorology to pull something convincing out of my ass, so for the sake of the story, Rainbow is unable to cloud it up.

>Given their technology at the time, would they actually have a concept of robots?
This is a good question, and one I'm sure we could overanalyze for many a thread. Their tech in the show seems all over the place. in one episode they have construction cranes, in another they have fairly modern looking cameras, and in yet another they have a hydro-electric dam. Though what it powers I haven't the slightest idea.

>Wow, RD catches on fast. Though, to be fair, AJ does have good reason to send RD with Big Mac. Namely, it's a large task that would realistically require multiple ponies to do.
This is what I was referring to when I said her friends know that's what she's up to whenever Mac is involved, but out of politeness, they never call her on it.

>Nabbing food while Big Mac slept seems like something RD would do. After all, she'd rationalize that it's for both Big Mac and herself. Why doesn't she?
She didn't look in the right bag before Mac woke up!

>As long as we keep moving, we won't have to worry about the heat or the cold. What?
As long as they keep moving, they could take an alternate route, though that is explained in chapter 4 I believe.

>Extream rage! Then suddenly she's all grinning. What?
Have you ever been around drunk chicks? If I had a buck for every time I've had a personal attack sent my way only to be followed by a slurred: 'I'm just kidding Bronius, I love you!' I'd have about five dollars.

>She bitched at him and puked all over the place. That's a pretty messed up sense of humor.
Well, I guess thats just funny to me.

I tried to correct all the technical problems you pointed out for these chapters, thanks again for the tips! I'm looking forward to your thoughts on the rest of what I've got so far!
>> No. 82812
chapter 3:

> The sun cut an unmerciful path
You make it sound as if it went to her eyes and only her eyes.

> her hangovers normally warranted.
Lightweight, drinks half a bottle of homemade moonshine straight up and isn't as hungover as she usually is?

> Probably because at least half the liquor was expelled the night before.
Okay, good point. However, she was completely smashed. How does she remember this?

> but not before shaking out what dust would fall.
Perhaps: after shaking the dust from it.

> in the morning air.
in the morning air implies that the dirt pile is in the morning air. Use into the morning air.

> she hadn't nearly starved
She didn't nearly starve. She was drunk off her flank. She probably doesn't remember.

> After her slaughter of breakfast
I get what you're saying, but slaughter is the wrong word to use. I picture limbs flying everywhere.

> a quick fix of her wings
Fix? I think you mean flap.

> to a range of mountains in the distance.
Well, this would have done nicely when you first described the lay o' the land.

> cows drank timidly from the riverbank,
I don't think Big Mac would let the cows drink from a raging river. A bit dangerous if you ask me.

> Rainbow took an upstream drink
I get what you're saying, but it's still awkward. Perhaps: Rainbow Dash took a drink, being careful not to repeat yesterday's incident,...

> the old, petrified tree stump.
Perspective. Also, we haven't been introduced to this specific tree stump so it would be an old, petrified tree stump he remembered.

> Being the gentlecolt that he was, Mac decided to offer the lady a choice.
But he's not gonna be that much of a gentlecolt and downright take the crappy job, is he?

> she acclimated to the cold water.
I know what you're trying to say, but don't just go to the theusauras and pick any old word for word choice. Using a word like adjusted would do just as well.

> her hind legs joined her
You make it sound as if they were left on the bank as she went wading. No, perhaps: she moved the rest of herself into the water.

> The river's current was quick to remind her
Okay, so the current waits for her to look back at Big Mac? No, she would probably be swept off her hooves the second she got too deep into the water.

> but instead found them resting unsteadily on slippery smooth river rocks.
Okay, now she has time to rest her hooves before they slip again? I think it would be more appropriate for her to slip the instant her hooves hit the smooth rocks.

> was swiftly off her hooves
I think you a word. Perhaps the word swept?

> only to realize that feathers don't work when water-logged.
In that one Spike episode (The one where he grows because of greed) don't both Fluttershy and RD fly under the water briefly before flying out again? I would think that implies pegasi wings are relatively waterproof.

> With surgeon-like precision
Surgeon-like... small, delicate. That is how they get the 'surgeon like percision.' Consider a different similie here.

> the possibly drowned cyan mare
Possibly? There is no possibly about it. She's in the process of drowning.

> as driving legs
Imo, driving isn't the word you want to use here.

> had attempted to breathe
Had inhaled.

> "I didn't need your help back there."
I think you're having Dash be too aggressive here. Even Dash would recognize when she needs help. Especially in a life-threatning situation. She's more greatful than that in general.

> process; as she intended.

> she called over her shoulder as she walked back
She just drops the issue? She isn't one to just concede the point. When she does argue, she argues until somepony stops it.

> some wandering aimlessly
Cows stick to the herd... 99% of the time. They do everything as a group. Some wouldn't just wander aimlessly.

> Once they'd both arrived,
arrived? Arrived where?

> Obviously, rivers don't just increase
Thank you captain obvious!

> Macintosh was suddenly reminded of the significance of the noise
There's a significant difference between the noise a rushing river makes and the warning rattle of a rattle snake. Also, rattle snakes don't just bite. They actually do give you fair warning. He would have heard the rattle snake well before he was in striking range.

> s the venom worked it's way through his veins.
Suck it! Suck the venom out, RD! MUHAHAHAHA! (Yes, I know this isn't the way to actually do it, but i actually predicated that this would be RD's guess at what to do.)
>> No. 82814
Chapter 4:

> he'd at least have some time to contemplate the horrendous death that awaited him.
One, no first aid? Two, yes, horrendous. He gets to drift off... Not that I know what dying is like or anything.

> He was still a ways away from the river crossing
Question! Is maynoi— I mean, where is Rainbow Dash? They're on the plains, remember? She could see as far as the eye could see. She did look back for Big Mac.

> but had to keep his heart rate as low as possible
What does being a bit from the river crossing have to do with keeping the heart rate low?

> A light trot was all he felt safe doing
Ah, I think this would do better before laying out distance.

> a white hot iron right through his calf.
This is fine, but I'm gonna share my opinion here. I really hate phrases like this. Does one really know what having a white hot iron shoved through their calf is like?

> Rainbow waited impatiently on the opposite shore
Dammit Big Mac, I know you're in apparent pain and all, but could you hurry it up? I don't want to sit here forever you know. *Hint, he would be limping cause getting bitten in the calf HURTS LIKE HELL*

> She assumed maybe he'd stepped on a cactus
How does one step on a cactus? Perhaps he kicked one?

> Eeyup. Probably got about four hours ta fix it up before I'm out cold."
You make it sound like he's about to pass out then and there earlier. Once he's out cold, he's good as dead. Just sayin...

> to the quick pegasus' horror.
She sure hasn't been quick as of late.

> would follow;
No semi-colon

> Her medical prowess was severely lacking in several key areas
How does he know what RD knows medical wise? He can only assume, which as you know makes an 'ass out of me'
Oh, I see, perspective shift... confusing as hell.

> Dash's words weren't exactly inspiring.
This goes with the rest of the previous paragraph.

> How hard could it be?
Besides the fact that treating a snake bite is completely different than treating a broken wing?

> .there's vials...with snake names...on them...
Is Big Mac stupid? He had the packs with him and he didn't just take the anti venom himself? (I do believe he had the packs with him. I don't remember him ever setting them down.)

> nearly debilitating phobia
How is it a near phobia? You're either afraid of it or you aren't.

> But her life wasn't hanging in the balance. His was.
Never start a sentence with but (Except in dialogue it can be okay.) Also, this would go back with the previous paragraph.

> "I'm gonna be dead in an hour
But as you have it, he has four before he's actually dead.

> If I'd have eaten breakfast.
Oh sure, now he calculates that in.

> "You told me you ate before I got up!
You had her suspect that he had lied. So why does this surprise her?

> anti-venin.
Derp. Anti-venom. I notice that you do this several other times. Go ahead, find and fix them all!

> still, thankfully breathing frame.
What? Perhaps: who was still breathing, thankfully.

> she would never likely admit

> two or more additional injections?!
Oh dear... And she's out of the proper anti-venom.

> any cattle today.
Or the next day... or the next... or the next. Recovery takes a long time. This is gonna be very hard.

> s across first; the sixty pound rucksack being the lighter
Comma, no semi colon. Don't go into exact measurments unless she has a way of knowing for sure.

> The saddlebags drug along
Dragged along. Drug isn't the actual past tense of drag.

> didn't translate to Big Macintosh.
Translate isn't the word you want over. Probably transfer over.

> way to do this..."
Again, don't end with the (...)

> as she donned his hat on a whim.
I got this, but first... I'd best put on this sexy hat. What?

> she'd have enough leverage to raise the heavy stallion
WE've already established that she can't lift Big Mac. Also, her plan would most likely end with her dropping Big Mac onto the cows back... ouch, not a real way to do that gently when she's struggling that much to even lift him.

> she wasn't certain which.
Wow, time passes really fast. Just saying. They woke at the break of dawn, ate, herded the cows across the river and then Mac went and got bitten. Even if the herding took several hours, the rest of the stuff wouldn't take that long. At most (By my calculations) it could be late morning.

> found one last vial of the appropriate anti-venin.
The way you made it sound earlier is that there was no more left. I think you could have mentioned that there was more bottles... earlier. Maybe when she sees that one vial=one dose. She could check to make sure she has enough.

> She shifted as she allowed her wings to spread out wide behind her.
Play very carefully with the wing boner. She doesn't have a real reason to have one. Yes, I went over the list of emotions that wingboners occure and none are relavent here.
>> No. 82825
Quick word on the anti-venin thing, the guy who reviewed this fic before you said it was anti-venin. I had anti-venom originally.
>> No. 82827
File 132875252412.jpg - (62.74KB , 550x363 , SWTOR.jpg )
Chapter 5:

> surrounded by thousand pound beasts
Thousand pound... tasty, lip smacking good beasts. I assume that's why a wolf would attack.

> she knew wether

> "Why...would he...bring this?"
Just going to say, CALLED IT!

> an interesting explanation.

> But he had given her his breakfast
Replace but with However,

> But he wouldn't have ended up this way if she had just kept her footing in the river.
Again, don't start with but. Actually, her losing her footing in the river has nothing to do with Big Mac getting bit. It was the cow that stayed behind that set it off.

> she knew where the line lay between embarrassing prank and mean spirited character assassination.
Even though it doesn't matter. You know, no camera and such?

> doll a secret; at least

> His color appeared
[insert argument for color vs. colour here]

> seemed to have seen better days.
That is what worn and old implies. No need to repeat that.

> pride that allowed her
Allowed seems incorrect here. Perhaps caused?

> Though had she listened
Clarify that it was listening to herself that would have gotten her killed.

> it on one of the posts of his yoke,
and then suddenly he has a yoke. Why? Whenever we've seen him with one in the show, it's been with a purpose.

Yay scene change! However, use ---. I hope you know XXX is generally used to denote porn =X

> were aching for rest; especially his

> skips...perfect.

> How...you can't be...
I'll let this slide because it's a dream. Otherwise thoughts about being married to RD out of the blue would be obsurd. "No! Not RD! WHY AM I MARRIED TO RD?!"

> and her...their
and her, their, offspring?

> him disappeared; leaving

> Isn't there supposed to be a heaven or hell
Perhaps for the sake of pony, ponify heaven and hell? Heaven being 'the summer lands' and hell being 'the stable' or something like that.

> he was giving her as he donned his hat.
Wake up, first reaction is to search for his hat. Not, where am I or What happened?

> It wasn't as though she had faced a huge phobia she'd harbored since she was a filly or anything.
Extreneous. Delete.

> He got to three of his working legs
You make it sound like he could have more than 3 working legs. What?

> we'll have to get through the wasteland
You don't say! Perhaps mention how he thinks they're going to have to do double time to make up for the lost time?

> Although, with the nightmare still fresh in his mind,
The nightmare had nothing to do with RD administering a cure. Perhaps he would be wary of her just because. However, she did just save his life, showing some skill in medicine.

> "Now go get some water,"
Shouldn't he be resting? Damn, and I just got my confidence up about her ability in medicine.

> The stallion carefully stepped into the swift water
Realistically, he would be very weak. He would probably be sweapt away before he could do anything.

> They practically had machismo embedded in their DNA.
Again, given the time, I have a hard time picturing (escpeically somepony like Dash) ponies having a concept of DNA.

> , at least as a girl

> not this filly saw
Mare. RD is a mare. If she were significantly younger you could call her a filly.

> Fluttershy was much more his type.
And yet he was disinterested.

Final thoughts:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Yes, despite how boring it seems, use their name all the time (We know what they look like and we know that RD is a mare). About once a paragraph to tell who the paragraph belongs to should do it. Every other time in that particular paragraph can be replaced with hes/shes/etc...

2. Paragraphs. New speaker, new idea, new character doing actions, new paragraph. If it doesn't meet any of these four criteria, you don't need a new paragraph. I notice that sometimes you have multiple characters doing things per paragraph or you have portions of paragraphs that go back with another paragraph.

3. Semi-colons. I won't lie. I don't use them, nor do I know exactly how they work. However, I know how they aren't used. I think most of the time we use them just to try and look more sophisticated, myself included. You might want to check up on the rules before using them.

4. Rhetorical questions. Are you asking the reader? No, none of the ponies are aware that they are being read about. Simply make it a thought and bam! They're simply asking themselves. Run through the story. You do miss some chances to have thoughts rather then just telling us what's going on.

5. Perspective. You switch so fast! One perspective per scene and even then it's generally told in one characters perspective per chapter.

Addressing other issues:

> The Apples aren't exactly swimming in cash,
Um... they live on a farm. They don't have spare wood? Seems like something they would have.

> It was a joke for us bronies.
Yes, pander to the readers! However, this isn't a comedy, so don't actually. It's not the time given the overall feel of the story. (I got yelled at for this very type of thing by a pre-reader I believe.)

> I actually wrote this before the Super Cider Squeezy 6000 episode came out
She's best friends with AJ, they seem to hang out all the time. You'd think that she'd have some interactions with Big Mac.

> Have you ever been around drunk chicks?
Yes, I have, but never one that's been like described. Guess I don't have out with them as often as I should *Shifty eyes*

> Well, I guess thats just funny to me.
But you aren't Big Mac... as far as I know.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not much one for shipping. However, this one is shaping up to be rather good. You're doing a really good job setting the stage for shipping. I can't wait to see how you get them to the auction and then ship them. As of now, you really haven't written in any shipping aside from the wayword thought or two. Keep up the good work my friend! Keep writing!

'Tis was a good duel or reviewer vs. reviewee! You can... uh... be the hooded guy. I'll be the other jedi.
>> No. 82829

I looked up anti-venin Vs. anti-venom. They're the same thing. I'd personally go with anti-venom.
>> No. 82842
I went with anti-venom. Anyway, I've still got a few more parries in me yet!

>Is Big Mac stupid? He had the packs with him and he didn't just take the anti venom himself? (I do believe he had the packs with him. I don't remember him ever setting them down.)
Alright, you got me on this one. I suppose he could have tried to treat it himself, but for the sake of weak plot devices, I'm going to say the venom would have made his hooves too unsteady to work the syringe and needle into the vial. That makes sense right? *shifts eyes*

>How is it a near phobia? You're either afraid of it or you aren't.
Not nearly a phobia, nearly debilitating. I guess that wasn't too clear.

>I got this, but first... I'd best put on this sexy hat. What?
Rainbow never gets to wear any sexy headgear, can you blame her? Seriously though I probably could have mentioned why she wanted to wear it in the first place. I'll figure something out for that.

>Wow, time passes really fast. Just saying. They woke at the break of dawn, ate, herded the cows across the river and then Mac went and got bitten. Even if the herding took several hours, the rest of the stuff wouldn't take that long. At most (By my calculations) it could be late morning.

I mentioned afternoon sun a few paragraphs back. The drive took up most of the day before they got to the river, though toward the end a bit of a time warp is encountered, I'll admit.

>[insert argument for color vs. colour here]
Here in 'Merica, we don't take too kindly to those who enjoy the use of extraneous vowels.

>and then suddenly he has a yoke. Why? Whenever we've seen him with one in the show, it's been with a purpose.
Is that giant wooden thing he has around his neck in every picture I've ever seen of him not called a yoke? I was just guessing that's what it was.

>Yay scene change! However, use ---. I hope you know XXX is generally used to denote porn =X
I was aware of XXX meaning, but didn't think about the implications. Though it's not a clopfic, so I would hope no one is expecting pony sexy time.

>Perhaps for the sake of pony, ponify heaven and hell? Heaven being 'the summer lands' and hell being 'the stable' or something like that.
Summer land sounds good for heaven, but what do ponies not like? I'm sure they like not burning in a lake of fire, but I'm not really sure what pony-hell would be called other than, well, pony hell.

>Wake up, first reaction is to search for his hat. Not, where am I or What happened?
Indeed he does, because he knows if anything happens to that hat, his surviving the snake bit would mean nothing, as AJ's rage would surely end him. more on why AJ's hat is so important in later chaps.

>You make it sound like he could have more than 3 working legs. What?
Yeah, he could have four working legs, but a snake bit one. So now he's down to three.

>The nightmare had nothing to do with RD administering a cure. Perhaps he would be wary of her just because. However, she did just save his life, showing some skill in medicine.
All she did was follow the directions on the vial, hence why she told him to get water instead of resting.

>Realistically, he would be very weak. He would probably be sweapt away before he could do anything.
I'm gonna say his thousand pound-ness is what held him in place. Thats my story, and I'm sticking to it. AJlieface.jpg

>Mare. RD is a mare. If she were significantly younger you could call her a filly.
I guess this is just me, but I always saw filly as representing girls in general. Like how you could call a grown woman a girl, because she is one, but you could also call a kid a girl. I dunno, maybe my headcannon is crazy like that.

>And yet he was disinterested.
I wouldn't say disinterested, so much as busy. My headcannon says the farm is Mac's life, and as such he doesn't have a lot of time to make time with others, even though he'd like to.

>1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Yes, despite how boring it seems, use their name all the time (We know what they look like and we know that RD is a mare). About once a paragraph to tell who the paragraph belongs to should do it. Every other time in that particular paragraph can be replaced with hes/shes/etc...
Got it, no more colors or species.

>2. Paragraphs. New speaker, new idea, new character doing actions, new paragraph. If it doesn't meet any of these four criteria, you don't need a new paragraph. I notice that sometimes you have multiple characters doing things per paragraph or you have portions of paragraphs that go back with another paragraph.
Right, new paragraphs, combine stragglers.

>3. Semi-colons. I won't lie. I don't use them, nor do I know exactly how they work. However, I know how they aren't used. I think most of the time we use them just to try and look more sophisticated, myself included. You might want to check up on the rules before using them.
The only reasons they are even in anything I write is because of Microsoft word. I should listen to it less.

>5. Perspective. You switch so fast! One perspective per scene and even then it's generally told in one characters perspective per chapter.

So line breaks in perspective shifts? Like when it goes from what Mac is feeling, to how Rainbow feels about stuff? I feel like that would be a ton of lines.

>Um... they live on a farm. They don't have spare wood? Seems like something they would have.
Wood isn't a very good insulator, but it is the middle of summer, so I guess they would only cover the windows if they didn't want bugs getting in their house.

>She's best friends with AJ, they seem to hang out all the time. You'd think that she'd have some interactions with Big Mac.
You would think, but going strictly by canon (lol in a shipfic? the most uncannon of all genres besides grimdark?) I've never seen them interacting.

>Yes, I have, but never one that's been like described. Guess I don't have out with them as often as I should *Shifty eyes*
Lucky you. At a certain point, a girl has had enough booze to have a good time, and not be a total train wreck. past that point though, it's all 'where are my shoes, I lost my wallet, where are my friends, why are you letting them arrest me,' blah blah...

> But you aren't Big Mac... as far as I know.
Yeah, that would be crazy! Ponies typing on computers, slowly learning your human culture until the glorious day when all of pony kind spews forth from Celestia's mighty portal to wage an unending war of extermination against your species? Eeyup. Crazy.

>You can... uh... be the hooded guy. I'll be the other jedi.
Well since you took the time to help me out, I suppose I could be the sith.

Thanks for going through my story and finding those problems! I've got a pre-reader, but neither of us took any writing classes outside of high school, and I'm a few years out from that, so thanks again Jmozziel!
>> No. 82847
> That makes sense right? *shifts eyes*
I suppose. He might still atleast try.

> Here in 'Merica, we don't take too kindly to those who enjoy the use of extraneous vowels.
I'm from WI. I spell it colour because it seemed to please the pre-readers more. Gotta get any extra points we can, right?

> Is that giant wooden thing he has around his neck in every picture I've ever seen of him not called a yoke?
You are correct. However, I have a hard time picturing him wearing it all the time. So that just may be my opinion.

> filly as representing girls in general.
It may just be me, but in this context I actually do picture RD filly.

> Like when it goes from what Mac is feeling, to how Rainbow feels about stuff?
I'm saying that you should stick to one characters perspective the entire chapter. You can show us what other characters are feeling as long as the main character can see it. You can even show extream emotions such as love without the main character getting it but the readers getting it. I.E. Big Mac shuffles his feet and blushes, but RD just think he's nervous or something. Obvious to the readers that there's something more.

> I could be the sith.
You don't have to be sith... Just have a red lightsaber.

Anyways, glad I could help, I enjoyed reviewing the story and it's nice to get actual feedback on my reviews.
>> No. 82939
Comments in doc.

Teehee, very good start indeed! If this is what I think it is, I gotta say, I like it very much. I haven't read the 'other story' so no bias here. *liarjack.jpg

Some things of note:

1. I sarcasmed all over the place. Sorry, but I hope that gets you thinking about what you may need to do.

2. Don't start with but in a sentence. I point these out and they're usually very easily fixable.

3. Those seemingly random perspective shifts! They better be important later on!

4. I go over this in doc, but there's a rule about being behind stage that applies. If you can see X, they can also see you. I.E. She can see the moon, but you implied that no light could be seen. What?

Oh wait, I did this first. Keep writing my good friend! You can do it!
>> No. 82994
Not so much secret as much as I don't have a title or synopsis, and tags seem kind of frivolous at this point.

Anyway, I left replies in doc, I'll be on later if you wish to discuss anything.
>> No. 83053
File 132884926043.png - (117.82KB , 285x320 , 1.png )

Caughlin won't write herself, but something else did:

Title: Pipsqueak the Valiant's Adventure Journal!

Summary: A series of entries depicting Pipsqueak's life before Ponyville.

Tags: [Normal][Slice-of-Life]

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZphJFXVlb8Zu2PhBuLrbDElCBFc5u23CLR_1kf4Vim8/edit

The "Next page" at the bottom of the cover page ^ will take you to the directory. Each Pt. has a link to the next, but not the previous.

Add. notes:
The run-on sentences, tautologies, tole instead of told, capitalizing Mummy but not dad, all deliberate.

I'd like to ask for 2 things in particular:

1) the timeline, have I screwed it up? (I'm hoping that the Calender System page clears things up)

2) the interface - links and things - is it good enough, or too confusing?

Yeah, these two in addition to a standard review. Thanks =D
>> No. 83125

You'll need to open up the gdocs if I'm gonna do anything. Heh, I look forward to reading!
>> No. 83127
Oh, I did, for the main parts (the Pt.s 1 - Epilogue). I didn't enable commenting only for the Cover, Directory and Calendar System (which is basically a picture).

...I am suddenly considering the idea of adding a "Pledge to the Diarchy", hand/hoof-written, as would be expected in a place with an all-powerful monarch.
>> No. 83347

Nope, still nothing. You might have used my old reviewing e-mail address... if I ever gave that to you. My new reviewing e-mail address is [email protected]

You could also just share the document. I'll get to your story tomorrow as soon as I have access.
>> No. 83367
File 132894436619.gif - (5.76KB , 107x126 , 132860330939s.gif )
Aha, I see. Fixed.
>> No. 83396

Comments in doc.

First, the two requested things.

1. The timeline was fine. All the days were in order. Though I won't lie, it was a bit confusing at first. I really had to examine the calendar closely. In all honesty, that might drive some of the audience away when they find out they have to look at the calendar. However, it is done well and is not overbearing once you figure it out.

2. The only think I would like is a previous link so I don't have to keep the table of contents open. It was very nice considering how you wrote it as an actual journal with each page being it's own entry.

3. Now for the unrequested stuff. I think the biggest issue is you are an adult trying to write from a colt's perspective. You kinda half write as a colt would, half as an adult would. This gets a little confusing at times when you use words that a colt would not.

4. Quotation marks, it really bugs me that you don't really use them. When I learned about them, I used them all the time.

5. That ending! It really doesn't go with the rest of the story. I can see why you added it in, but... I think that the journal would do very well as a prelude to the main story. The main story being a n adventure of Pip's that involves Lucky Dice.

Very nice, despite it being written as a colt would write, which made it slightly difficult to read, I'm willing to let it slide because that's the way it's supposed to be written.

Please! Continue this story! Write more, there is so many ways this could go if you continue from the epilogue!
>> No. 83415
Twilight's Collection
(I'm too lazy to give a real synopsis, so I'll just do a quick summary of a bit of the story...) Spike finds Twilight's Sensual Fiction collection and accidentally sends it to Celestia in his shock. This sets off a chain of events which will lead him to a life of adventure.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IAtQgmX2dcMW8gN_Z1UnqPb_5GPzswkglb7ySdRAHvE/edit

( EQD Prereaders said this needs a basic writing boost, which I don't get at all. If you do, I'd be happy if it were explained...)
>> No. 83570
File 132903028089.png - (51.83KB , 125x107 , 132895349595s.png )
>1. The timeline was fine. All the days were in order. >Though I won't lie, it was a bit confusing at first. I really had to examine the calendar closely. In all honesty, that might drive some of the audience away when they find out they have to look at the calendar.
Yeah, the picture was basically "hey guys you need to know this, but it'll get awkward if I used words so here's a pic". The genuine-ity factor was a calculated bonus. I *am* thinking of adding a "Loyalty to the Diarchy" bit as a re-enforcing of the idea "This is a foal's notebook". Handwritten, of course. Where I live, notebooks are produced by the government, and there's some sort of creed printed on the back. Opinions on that?

>2. The only think I would like is a previous link so I don't have to keep the table of contents open. It was very nice considering how you wrote it as an actual journal with each page being it's own entry.
That was really me being lazy. .___. I'll fix that during the editing cycle. By "back", though, do you mean "back to the Directory" or "back to previous page"?

>I think the biggest issue is you are an adult trying to write from a colt's perspective. You kinda half write as a colt would, half as an adult would.
Hmm. True. It's because I was drawing on what I remembered of my writing as a kid. Run-on, tell-y, tautologies, the lot. I was hoping for leeway with "Salutations" since Pip lives in an archaic setting, and it'd be a common word among sailors totally bluffing here. I have to agree with the other words though.

Quotation marks, will fix. That was just me mickeying around with style. Heh.

>5. That ending! It really doesn't go with the rest of the story. I can see why you added it in, but... I think that the journal would do very well as a prelude to the main story. The main story being a n adventure of Pip's that involves Lucky Dice.
Very interesting idea... I put the lot under "Vol. 1" because I was thinking of doing a continuation at some point. The first idea was have Pipsqueak discover Patch, an enchanted pony doll in the forest, and contrast the world of evil magic with his innocently ignorant view of the world for D'aww and retrospect, though another was PipxDinky friendshipping-becoming-shipping, except that he ultimately chooses a shot at finding his dad over staying in Ponyville with Dinky. But yes, Lucky Die... how would their paths cross, though? Probably throw in a Big Bad who kidnaps Pipsqueak who lets him write his journal, in exchange for keeping him docile. Maybe.

Anyhow, thank you very much! Glad you liked it, and there will be more to come (I hope).
>> No. 83622

>some sort of creed printed on the back.
Sure, there could be. However, remember, this is Celestia we're talking about. It's probably gonna be more aimed towards a friendship perspective. It probably wouldn't be some 'obey' creed.

> "back to the Directory" or "back to previous page"?
Back to previous page. It'd be more like flipping through a journal that way.

> "Salutations"
If they lived more towards an upperclass section of Trottingham, maybe. Perhaps mention that one of the teachers was/is an upperclass pony and insists that they use words like salutations? Then you could give something for Pip to rebel against if so desired.

> how would their paths cross, though?
Well, they both have a common interest. Perhaps: Pip runs away from home after reading those records in the library (The list of ponies in a given area, the name just left me now.) Then Lucky Dice finds out, and is the one pony that actually has some idea what could happen to Pip alone so she rushes after him and she's just in time to... get on a boat with him as it sails away. (Like she jumps on board just as it's leaving and Pip refuses to leave the boat so she stays purely to make sure he's okay. They could pay for passage as deck swabs!)

As for the other ideas, I'm honestly kinda meh about them. The first one, the evil doll one, could be interesting but a horror story with Pip? I don't think that would fly with the majority of people considering they seem to expect D'awww mostly. As for the friendshipping turned shipping, It'd have to be set several years in the future. I'm kinda a bit biased against shipping anyways.

I wish you good luck and hope you continue the story!
>> No. 83794
Here's a fic from me. I'm still doing Earthside, but that's at the wayside right now, since I've got to work on characterization and stuff.

This is a fic I've been working on in my head for a while, and I had a lot of trouble writing it, as it's got a few things that are hard to write for.

Neutral Ground

In Great Canyon, the nation is protected by the Ministry of the Supernatural. Ponies sleep safe in their beds due to their hard worl. But when ethereal beings attack Equestria, another pony nation, they must send their best ethereal hunter to Equestria to put an end to the threat. But is everything as it appears?

Chapter 1: Blood Ties

Also, email me at [email protected] so I can add you to the reviewer list.
>> No. 83909

review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Perspective! You switch so fast sometimes. Stay in one perspective per section. As such, we as the reader would only be able to see, hear, etc... what the character can.

2. You rush events. I.E. You have the Ursa just give up after a few minutes of chasing. Twilight gives up too easily in her search for Spike. Stuff like that.

3. Characters! The only two that were really in character where Trixie and Rarity. Those two had bit parts, so that doesn't even really count.

Twilight: She's fine up until she just gives up the search. She's pissed and then immediately sorry. Extend the anger a bit. Moods don't switch that quickly unless one is bipolar. (Usually).

Spike: He beats himself up hardcore. No, soften that up a bit. He also isn't one to just consider revenge. Right at the end, he concocts a plan in which he wants to grow up to be an asshole and kill an Ursa for no particular reason.

Trixie: She was mostly in character, except for the fact that she's just suddenly friends with Spike for no reason. She's gotta have one helluva reason, she's a lone wolf type mare.

Pinkie Pie: She would not just randomly sleep with Spike, no matter how sad he was. She'd more likely offer him sweets and such.

Applejack: She didn't even offer to help search for Spike! What?

All other errors should be taken care of in my comments.

I can see what you're trying to do here, but in all honesty, you're pretty far from conveying what you want told. Perhaps you need to reoutline your story as you have it. That would really help you see what you need to do. My suggestion? Fix up what you have, take this in for another review.

This may seem like a lot, but I encourage you to continue writing this.
>> No. 83919
Danke! I shall begin working on this as soon as I can.
>> No. 83941

Chapter 1: Sugar, were going down.

This here's a crossover with Bioshock.
If you haven't played it: it takes place in giant city built on the bottom of the Atlantic, where supposedly all great artists, scientists, and free-minded individuals could thrive free of any social, political, or religious restraints.

Then they discovered a special sea slug which produced some kind of genetic wonder-drug, which made it possible to splice yourself with anything from super powers to a different skin color. It's use was never regulated thanks to the whole philosophy of Rapture, and overuse could turn you into a heavily mutated psychopath.

Then a civil-war erupted, meaning there was no limit AT ALL to it's usage... and now all that's left of the city is a hell hole.

NOW... what I wanna do is take the setting ponify it, but add my own story and characters , as well as use expies of the original Rapturians with a little twist added in.

As it stands, only the main character and his daughter has been introduced so far.
>> No. 83949

What's this? I have a queue for once? Not long, but I don't usually have one!

Will review one tonight, one tomorrow after school, in order as posted.

Zanzibar: No, I haven't played Bioshock, but I'm familiar enough with it that I should be able to catch the major plot holes.
>> No. 84007
You wants fics? I got a fic.

Title: Not Your World

Tags: [Shipping][Sci-Fi]

Synopsis: Lem, a scientist from Manehattan, is tampering with things he doesn't understand and unwittingly sets two worlds on course for disaster. Now he, with the help of the mane 6, must find what went wrong and how to fix it.

And with a fracture to another world opened up, Equestria must now be ready for what lies on the other side: whether it be kind, cruel, or cryptic.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S9iTtBYBZ3gNsZxyiTTyW70iURvyIPJ00Bfz_MYalQw/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14OdNPIoKfIXbk_3u_xV58tgjkFiQRmIWRspZwE1LQNU/edit
>> No. 84115

Review in doc.

Things of note.

1. Pony names. None of the names you use sound appropriate for the universe you are trying to write.

2. You seem to shove random bits of action that occurred way earlier, just so you can make X part work. No, go back and write all the actions that you need written in the appropriate place.

3. Hirsan would be lost without Witcher, wouldn't he? It isn't as if he's been hunting Firan for years or anything, but yet he needs help with every little thing. You seem to try and make a badass, a knight in shining armor, and a secret agent all in one. All of them are really conflicting.

The rest of the things should be pointed out in doc. Feel free to ask me questions.

The concept is alright, but the writing is not. I would suggest you make a new document and completely rewrite this chapter based off the concept and my comments. Go my friend, write!
>> No. 84122

chapter 1:

> Mister Rye.E.Wander
First off, please do use pony names. This is clearly not a pony name and gives me the impression I'm reading about a human.

> fashioned in such a way to closely resemble manticore leather
How do you fashion something to look like a particular leather? Also, wouldn't it be yellow, goldish if it's a manticore leather?

> gave pleasing creak
gave a pleasing creak

> planes interior

> no end, not in the least
delete not in the least.

> the ‘hangers on’ types,
Not sure if 'hangers on' is the right type to use. I get what you're trying to say though.

> But then you had the old-timers
One, move this to join the rest of the paragraph, or move format correctly and give another return. Two, never start with but, use 'however, then you...'

> them being veterans
Who? The protesters or the old-timers?

> another...

> The type with enough
Perhaps: They were the type with enough...

> They were simply the kind of folk who’d hate something new just for the sake of being new.
You've already stated this, no need to do it twice. Perhaps tell us instead something a little more about the group?

> ‘Every generation has it’s mules’
Thoughts go in italics.

> his last cigarettes
Fancy ponies do not smoke common cigarettes, they smoke classy cigars.

> (what his more liberal and less tolerable friends jokingly referred to as ‘cancer sticks’.)
As he would be smoking a cigar imo, delete this.

> ‘The bozos that get left behind trying to catch the tail draft.’
Move this back with the previous paragraph.

> if the traveller next to you
This implies that any snoring in the area is tolerable as long as the travaller next to you was a loved one. Perhaps: One of the few things he found tolerable. [Delete the whole if the traveller thing, my way implies that he loves his daughter so much that he tolerates her snoring.]

> and her nostrils flared briefly with each breath.
This would go back when you mention she's snoring. Perhaps: She was snoring slightly, her nostrials flaired briefly with each breath. [Insert tolerance part here].

> the colt felt a slight twinge
Colt is a young pony. Use stallion.

> Polly he’d quit.
Quit what? Oh, smoking. Say so!

> camel Joe’s
As camel is part of the proper noun, it too is capitalized. Also, delete the comma after Joe's.

> (she could make them tremble slightly, he was sure of it)
Yup, that is what puppy eyes implies. Delete this.

> ‘Please, don’t.’
Move this into the previous paragraph somewhere.

> And not a mite more forceful than that
Never start with and. Also, I think this goes somewhere back with the last paragraph.

> no- she didn’t know
Comma after no.

> And she said
Delete and.

> She was enough brains
Perhaps: She had enough brains...

> Well- she could
Delete, leave it as: to realize she could shout, scream, break glass...

> between his gums.
He's toothless? Perhaps he stuck it between his teeth?

> (. His mind began to wander back to the last twelve years
Dont use the paranthese.

> (later ‘friends’, then just ‘helpful acquaintances‘)
Perhaps: It began with those male relatives. They later became 'friends, then just 'helpful acquaintances.'

> he’d caught snooping
I think you a word there.

> (kindly, and of course, always in a respectful manner,)
Hardly, he's just beat the snot out of them. There is no way to politely show them the door at that point.

> Instead, they resorted to throwing furniture
How is this any more respectable than beating eachother?

> it left our mouths and hooves free
As Wander is not speaking, our should be their.

> “express our innermost
Again, their.

> The night after he had thrown a shoe and hit a frilly flower and fluffy pussycat tea-set on accident.
Unless there is some significance in the tea set, why would he remember that specifically? Random info is random. Just delete imo.

> It all came gushing out.
This plus the next sentence goes back with the rest of the last paragraph.

> a gold band
Perhaps tell us that he recognizes it as the wedding ring?

> and hoping for;

> you leathery old goat
Mule seems to be the more used insult.

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was no perspective shift, no scene change, no passage of significant time. You transition pretty well into each scene without it.

> was starting to look
Make sure you get all those extra spaces taken care of.

> And what had eventually brought it all crashing down?
Again, the and. Also, you aren't asking the reader this, Wander is asking himself. Reword this to be thoughts.

> spell- hell
Comma. Also, you ponify swear words as this is a pony story.

> ‘Sit back.’ He did.
Perhaps: "Sit back, he commanded himself. He did so.

> Wander leant back

> out as the ships captain
It's a plane.

> He kept burning it almost to it’s mid-point.
Now, I don't smoke, but that seems like one long drag. Just sayin...

> to worry about sir”
Comma after about.

> I’ve seen forced marches that can’t hold a candle to that.
What? I don't think this is the saying you want here. You might want to do a bit of research here.

> attention- And for such
Comma after attention.

> , the stallion said nothing.
Yes, we know the captain is a stallion. Just use the captain.

> my peace of mind-
Comma after mind.

> “Oh Celest-! Sir, please forgive me for that outburst.”
What outburst. Outburst implies anger in this situation. There was no anger. He was only explaining, like he was asked to do.

> “Say, you wouldn’t mind joining us for some real food back on solid ground would ya?
Hey! Why aren't you up there steering? Oh, that's okay, just sit down and enjoy some food!

> Polly hasn’t had any-pony but this old fossil to talk to since we left home
Polly is asleep, so it would be more likely that Wander is doing this more for himself than anything.

> one still holding the cigarette.
And the captain doesn't admonish him.

> He drew the smoke in, but didn’t inhale,
This contradicts itself. How do you draw smoke in without inhaling while smoking? The next sentence even implies that he inhaled.

> twin streams of dragon breath
I see what you're doing here, but dragon breath seems a tad extreme. Or is it a style of blowing out cigarette smoke?

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Again, no scene change, no perspective shift. I think I know what you're trying to do with these. Kinda like a 'commercial break' in a TV show type thing, right?

> other ponies have started to notice the commotion.
Really? They just notice after the engine explodes? "Oh, look, it appears that the engine exploded, funny." *Goes back to reading*

> He had just clipped his seat belt and was in the process
By now, it would be likely the plane would be in a downward spiral. His seat belt would be the last thing he'd be thinking about at this point.

> was still mercifully in that transition of shock to hysteria,
Perhaps mention her waking up?

> “Polly?” He asked gently, but loud enough to heard.
calm is not appropriate for the situation.

> He clutched her shoulder
You need hands to clutch. Wander has hooves.

> my life my limbs
my life, my limbs, but...

> he now thinks to himself.

> Whatever follows is wiped from his mind with the effects of the impact.
Whatever followed was wiped...

> Hi limbs are all
His limbs were...

> The last thing he hears
The last thing he heard was...

Final thoughts in part 2.
>> No. 84126

Some things of note:

1. You use parentheses a lot. Often times, the information inside them is pointless. Delete most of them. The other times, the info would do better as it's own sentence.

2. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You use the stallion and such too much. Mostly in the conversation with the pilot. Don't ever use the stallion, coat colours, or mane colours to denote who's doing what action. (There are times that this is appropriate, but I would point that out to you if it were relevant to this story.)

3. You use the dash where a comma would do better. Fix this.

4. Thought's are in italics, not in the apostraphies .

5. Those pony names! Please, do a little bit of research. Vanner has an excellent post on naming ponies. It's the first one after the OP. Link here: >>80958

The rest should be covered in part 1 of the review.

I love the concept. However, I think you start way to early in the story. While the info on Wander's wife is nice, it's completely unnecessary. Consider starting just a tiny bit before the plane crashes, perhaps when the captain goes to the bathroom and Wander voices his concerns? Then have the plane crash, and continue on with a little bit of exploration of whatever you decide to call 'Rapture.' That would be way better of a hook than talking about Wander's shitty marriage.

Keep writing my good friend! I want to see chapter 2 eventually, I've actually been meaning to play Bioshock. Feel free to drop it off in my thread when it's done.
>> No. 84145

First of all, what I should have done is worked on a sort of prologue first. Most reviewers skip over them, but in this case, it would help a lot in explaining.

If I have to rewrite 8 pages (according to LibreOffice), I have to. That's it, I suppose.

Main things to let you know:

1. Hirsan is an ethereal hunter, not a Firan hunter. He hunts ethereals in the surrounding area around Great Canyon.

2. If you didn't realize it while reading, Witcher is somewhat of a renegade Firan. He's not an enemy.

I know what you're saying with Hirsan's character.

3. The names are SUPPOSED to be different. A civilization of under 10k in ponies, and they don't have names that reflect present or future talents. Case in point: Hirsan, Faro, Shade, Grave. I'm not going to write something based in a tiny country and have it run and work EXACTLY like Equestria.

4. the Him thing. I know you kind of got a little mad about it, but I assure you, I can explain in a rewrite. Unfortunately, I've got to do the rewrite before another reviewer gets to the fic.

5. It seems you didn't have any problems with the whole Mindscape thing. That's interesting for me, as it means that THAT was a better part for me.
>> No. 84198
Working Title: Sail by Night

Tags: [Normal][Adventure][Light Shipping]
Additional Tags:[A Little Bit of AppleDash][Pirate]

Synopsis: Pipsqueak finally leaves Ponyville to go on the adventures he's always dreamed of. However, success as a pirate won't come easily when his crew is only Pinkie Pie and a very irritable unicorn navigator.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wnGE46n88mqeuDOLxLkhYQuaI-ex32tF2unuqU3yK8c/edit

Notes: This is the second version of the first chapter. I've made the recommended changes to the best I could and started the story earlier with Pinkie Pie and why she leaves Ponyville. I've also enabled commenting, so suggestions can go right in the document. (Didn't know how to do that before.) Please read over this new version, and let me know if I need to make any changes. Thank you!
>> No. 84329
File 132934792049.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona.png )
Allright, Lunar my friend, I leave this one to you. I hope it works well. It’s a bit long, so it’s divided in several parts.

Title: Ponies of the Five Rings
Synopsis: The six Great Clans defend the Empire, and life is peaceful. However, since the clans’ interests usually clash, that peace is really fragile. Unfortunately for the Empire, the Dark Lord has bigger plans now than just direct strikes.
Tags: [Crossover][Adventure][Grimdark]

Chapter 1:
Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d7LrUtlKGgAcfGdL56BfX3pY5tVMdaLxYDCGffgsEYI/edit
Part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1snwb8FQ_HQbRCydjk0NSmPBWU_wlIud3F9ouiY7vzOc/edit
Part 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VJ3VZ4b3O1SVsMewtXzW3QBqNwXSHWfLgyAlOzcWRYw/edit
>> No. 84331

Review of chapter 1 in doc. I am NOT going to review chapter 2. Why you ask? Because I'm pretty much going to have you rewriting 2/3 of chapter 1, which may in effect force you to rewrite parts of chapter 2 anyways.

Things of Note:

1. Placing paragraphs. Several times you place them as if you forgot to add them in earlier. Make sure they're placed more appropriately. I point out several in doc.

2. I understand that you're OC is really stressed, but he just makes everyone want to hate him shortly after he meets them.

3. All those questions. You ask them as if you want the readers opinion. You are not asking the audience, your OC is asking himself. It's probably best to reword them all to be thoughts, or something he mumbles to himself.

4. Characters. It's gonna get a bit long here.

Lem: He's stressed, he needs help, but he's a complete jackass to anyone he talks to, except for Fluttershy. He is so emotional that he starts crying and immediately falls in love with Fluttershy. You are well on your way to Suedom. Do not make him a mary sue. The name Lem, it doesn't sound like a pony name. I suggest you go to Vanner's thread here: >>80961 and read the first post on naming ponies.

Applejack: You overdo the accent. We know how she speaks. Just pick a few words to make her say with her accent, our brains will do the rest. You have her really quick to anger, like fight angry. She's pretty level headed overall. It takes a bit to rouse her anger.

Fluttershy: You seem to try and write her as a combo of Fluttershy, AJ, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie. Remember, when she first met Twilight, she wouldn't even speak. You have her becoming intimate with Lem way too fast. She should be shy, apologetic, but not too much as to be overbearing. There's a fine line where this is and to be honest, I find Fluttershy to be the hardest character to write.

Rarity: What little you have of her comes off as vain and pushy. She apologizes, but she shouldn't have to in the first place. She wouldn't be angry with Fluttershy, she'd check to make sure she was okay. She would have concern in her voice.

You still haven't told us much about what all the worry is. We just know something is wrong. You need to give us a little insight as to what's going to happen. It's not a bad concept of a story, honestly, I just think you're taking some things way too fast.

Yup, you're going to end up rewriting most of this chapter. Now go my friend! Do not lose hope, keep writing!
>> No. 84346
Thanks for the input. This is actually a total rewrite of an earlier attempt at this story, so (as odd as this may sound) I'm kind of happy with your reaction.

I figured characters being OOC would be my biggest problem, and you've really helped with that. That's something I can actually work with though. My earlier draft ended up being a disaster and you didn't see any of the weaknesses the other one had so I've fixed those at least.

I'm not quite sure what to do with Lem. I really want the reader to dislike him off the bat because I think character growth is much more satisfying when it starts with someone who clearly needs it. His full name isn't really "Lem", I know that alone isn't a pony name. It's short for something that will be mentioned later in the story.

Your impression of Rarity and mine seem to be a little bit different. Lem and her clash because she values formality and manners which Lem has no interest in. I don't feel Rarity is vain per se, but she does place a lot of value in appearance because that's what she does for a living: works on appearances. So I feel it's natural she would like to show off her mane if given the chance. I do see some arrogance in the way I've portrayed her so I will try to remove that.

Fluttershy... is so hard to write. I justified her actions because even though she is really, shy, she also cares deeply about others. Also, in episode 1, she showed she has the capability to switch from shy to open in a second (when she saw spike). So that was my angle. Also, as weird as it sounds, I had no intention of shipping her with Lem. I guess that part just came on too strong.

Why do ponies knock on the library door? I have no idea, but they do. They knock in the show and most other fics I've read, so Lem knocks in this one too.

So, I'm going to work on OOC characters and revealing more of the problem (in addition to the other things you commented in the doc). Hopefully it will be much more presentable after that.
>> No. 84373
Already ran this through pre-readers, but the more feedback the merrier!

Title: Fleurfire

Description: Spitfire is one of the lead Wonderbolts, performing all across Equestria - and yet, she feels that she can do even more. Fleur de Lis, once the rising star of Canterlot, is watching her golden career fall apart around her. Both see an opportunity in each other, and as their friendship grows, they find more in common than fame and fortune. But the demands of celebrity life leave little room for personal development. Can two ponies find themselves - and each other - without trading passion for glory?

Fleur x Spitfire shipping.

>> No. 84769

Review in doc.

Some thoughts:

Much better, I enjoyed this version even more then the last. However, there are still some significant issues.

1. You wander into LuS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome) just a bit, but otherwise you've cleaned that up nicely.

2. You still have some perspective issues. You just suddenly change from PP's perspective to Pip's. You need to transition. Perhaps: Open with PP's perspective, go up all the way until she gets back to SCC. Then, go back in time a little, and show us what's happening to Pipsqueak while PP would be talking to AJ. Lastly, you try to show us what AJ is thinking even though PP wouldn't know. Using dialogue is such a great tool and you don't need to assume the role of all knowing narrator.

3. The issue you have with placement is very small, but still worth mentioning. You need to make sure it's all appropriately placed. I.E. There's a better time to mention Pip's cutie mark. Namely, when he is first introduced.

All the rest of the issues should be covered in doc. Feel free to ask any questions!

I like this, I like it a lot. I honestly want to read more. I think the biggest issue is trying to decide who's perspective to tell the story from. You have several options:

1. PP's perspective and her take on this adventure.

2. Pipsqueak's perspective. You could very easily explain why PP so readily goes with him. Ex. He's going to go say goodbye to PP (You could easily explain why.) and then he offers her the chance to be his first mate.

I would personally go with option 2.

That's it for me, I can't wait to see another revision and eventually a chapter 2!
>> No. 84822

Chapter 1:

> Spitfire thanked him
Show us? Perhaps: "Thank you." Spitfire nodded at the doorpony as she walked through the tall double doors...

> This drew her attention
What is this this? Perhaps: Her attention was drawn to the pair of...

> serving as magnets
gathering points.

> Hush. You look fine.
She hasn't said or thought anything yet. Perhaps you should show us that she's fretting over dress and whatnot?

> “Having fun yet, Fleetfoot?”
Transition from thoughts to dialogue. New paragraph.

> Very Important Ponies
Not a proper noun, don't capitalize. Unless... put them in quotes. 'Very Important Ponies'

> but never any real food.”
Fleetfoot was talking about the VIPs, not the food. Perhaps have her go over some of the food first? Perhaps: Extravagant party, all the 'Very Important Ponies' to meet, fancy food, but never any real food."

> The curse of a pegasus
Not really an accurate correlation as not all pegasus seem to be food hogs. Perhaps: Curse of the Wonderbolt?

> Her wingmare gave a quiet sigh.
You can maybe get away with this once. However, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is a serious disease affecting chromosome 24.565. (Ahahah, I crack myself up >_>) Seriously though, generally you don't use coat colour, mane colour, or a particular trait to tell us who's doing what.

> Great.
First of all, this really isn't much of a thought. Show us something more to go with it! Perhaps: Great, not again. Spitfire rolled her eyes. Also, transition from thoughts to dialogue means new paragraph.

> I bet he’s found another mare to bother
Perhaps: But, I bet he's found another mare to bother...

> “… But, it would be pretty funny.
Delete the (...). Also, what would be pretty funny?

> It was almost uncanny that she knew exactly where to go
Esepcially since she was already at the party before Spitfire arrived and there are many tables set up (In convienent locations) with the purpose of having food.

> groups nearby were closed
Word choice. Perhaps: enthralled? Busy? Preoccupied?

> recognition flickering over their features –
Don't use that dash, use a comma. Perhaps: recognition flicked over their features before they turned back to their own converstations.

> “You must be Spitfire!
And then sudden dialogue! I would do something to show us that a voice from behind, or from the group catches Spitfire's attention.

> but age had done little to diminish her beauty.
This would make sense... if we had something to compare her to.

> The darker gray earth pony to her right looked like a son or nephew.
I get what you're trying to do, but random fact is random. You've already established that she's old.

> a maternal smile.
Just go with motherly.

> but... Or you could
Transition from dialogue to thoughts, new paragraph. As such, you never end with the (...).

> but I missed your name, sir.”
You can't miss what hasn't been said. Perhaps: "I don't mean to change the subject, but who might this stallion be?"

> “Ah, that’s my second son
Mooooommmm... I can answer for myself!

> Likewise.
What? This isn't thought! This is Wilhoof speaking!

> Now. I'm afraid
Comma after Now

> We have a captain?
Spitfire has only been on the team for how many years? This seems like a really blonde thought. Spitfire is more perceptive than that.

> One did not simply walk up to a group of ponies and say hello
Well hello to you too Boromir ^.^

> respite – and since
Comma, not dash.

> she'd ever had, but
You use had again, which is repatative. Perhaps change this had into tasted?

> And now, the reason
Never start a sentence with And. Perhaps: However, champagne was not the reason she was here...

> few of them were competition
There's no real need to draw attention to competition. Don't use italics on it.

> like icy dialogue
Perhaps: icy converstaion?

> other than dialogue
Is there any other type of icy dialogue for other than insulting one another? Delete this.

> would be courting
I don't think you mean that the agent would be trying to go out with the big names... Word choice. Perhaps: I got nothing >.< Sorry, you're on your own for this one.

> him – must
Comma, not a dash.

> Was this how he always treated mares?
These questions! You ask them as if you are asking the reader! No, Fleur is asking herself! Reword this to be a thought. Same with the next one.

> him. Curious
Comma, not a period. Also, you end this with those pesky (...) that I'm so fond of. Delete those and just use a regular period.

> finest mare he'd seen tonight?”
he's seen tonight.

> Was he playing her?
Again, reword this to be a thought.

> “Not at all,” she replied.

> She laughed, tossing another wink in Fleur's direction
New character, new paragraph.

> But on setting out, another form
Never start a sentence with But. Perhaps: However, upon setting out...

> A pair of mares obscured her view of the Wonderbolt
And she just knows it's a Wonderbolt how? Her vision is obstructed and all she's gotten is a glimpse of Spitfire.

> of the outfit... Nor
Delete the pesky (...) Don't capitalize nor.

> This pony was not Fleetfoot.
Surely, before this she would have recognized that this was not Fleetfoot. You know, contrasting mane colours and all? As she got closer, she would have been able to better see Spitfire.

> “Fleetfoot?” Fleur nodded.
Even thought Fleur only nods, you still need a new paragraph for a new character.

> She took the breather to refocus herself,
Perhaps: She took a second to collect her thoughts...

> the “other” Wonderbolt was Spitfire
Who she would have recognized upon getting closer, but not quite within conversation distance.

> and most of the larger events would have some performance or other
From here on in this specific paragraph confused me to be honest. That might just have been my brain derping, but I'd still consider rewording if I were you.

> find him missing. Naturally.
Comma after missing.

> where the sky was open and free...
Never end a paragraph with those pesky (...)

> on the white stone – probably more marble.
Shorten to 'clicked on the white marble path.

> Oh. Just stretching my wings.
Comma after oh.

> “Yes... I apologize
Yes, I apologize...

> The uniforms do make us a bit hard to tell apart
But a mane as different as Spitfire's...

> Spitfire mentally kicked herself for being too forward.
She wasn't exactly being forward about anything imo.

> I just made a coffee appointment with a supermodel.
Spitfire isn't being too forward. The author is! This isn't exactly a date date as you intend to imply. It's just talking. Perhaps all the 'I'm being too forward' stuff would come during the coffee cup chat?

> – but Spitfire was acquainted with the Princesses.
One, make that dash a comma. Two, She doesn't really appear to be that aquainted with the Princesses in the show.

> Like the day after tomorrow, she thought with a smile.
And you just have her in love with Fleur. There was no build up. These things take time you know.

Part 2 is final thoughts... the whole thing was barely too long to post as one, sorry.
>> No. 84825

Some things of note:

1. Mechanics, you don't use the comma enough. You way overuse the (...) and you make too many sentences that aren't really sentences. All those sentences that go 'Oh. [conversation]' need a comma after that single word.

2. Those questions! So many of them are directed at the reader! No, they should be directed at the pony who would be asking them. Most of them are rhetorical. Reword them to be thoughts. Also, read through and make sure all the parts that are supposed to be thoughts are in italics like thoughts should be.

3. You never explain why Fleur isn't with Fancy Pants anymore. Explination somewhere? It doesn't need to be long, just a little something so we aren't confused.

The rest of the issues should be covered in the comments. Feel free to ask questions!

It's a pretty good start. Though, there really isn't any shipping yet to get a romance tag. I personally think you were pretty spot on with the characters, good job! I can't wait to see a revision of this and a chapter 2 someday! Keep writing my good friend!

Oh, and one last note: That title! I would rethink it if I were you. Perhaps: A Meeting of Chance
>> No. 84827
Could you come back and review TC again? I made some a lot of changes, and may have added a less outrageous plotline.

[Dark] [Adventure]
We all make mistakes, some more prominent than others in the eyes of the beholder. Spike's made a huge mistake, after sifting through Twilight's 'private scrolls', and endangered both himself and Twilight.


(May be some hints to Dear Esther in the future, but nothing too Crossover-y.) Thanks.
>> No. 84832
Hey there! This is my second fic, thought I'd get some opinions on it since I'm not 100% happy with it so far. I don't have a proper summary yet, sadly, but you should be able to get a feel for what the story is about fairly easily. (Hint: Time Travel is involved).

Here's what I have of it so far:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10zUiQyKpe7vTTGrfxZxbH6uukm566rzti75w1PpAaWA/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wDPLfD0DFI3r4CaOafJbxgSA22J3gcCkmreBRxYdKQw/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MtPkfmh_ZauL_OJ8EmIt9mkPYcMX2_ckutMb5dlq_c8/edit

I hope you enjoy it!
>> No. 84846
Thanks! I'll try to get rid of the remaining LuS. On the note of changing perspective, I'm trying to get more than one viewpoint. I do this because I get bored of writing from one perspective, so I naturally assume people get bored reading from one. I'll try to clean it up some, so that people reading don't get lost, but I don't think I can take it out. It's just the way I write.
>> No. 84853
Also, where can I go for advice on OCs and coloring?
and the above is me, sorry different computer from my norm.
>> No. 84881
Thanks for taking the time to review my story! And now, for the painful part... (Just realized I often start sentences with "and" and "but" and end with those ellipses in chats. Explains where those two recurring issues came from!)

Seems like most of my mistakes are either structure, semantics, or failing to properly communicate my ideas. Examples, because I feel the urge to save some shred of my dignity!

> I get what you're trying to do, but random fact is random. You've already established that she's old.
Was hoping to convey familial resemblance instead of emphasizing her age. Oops.

> Mooooommmm... I can answer for myself!
He would if he could, but he's mute. I just asked one of my pre-readers and he hadn't caught it either.

> Spitfire has only been on the team for how many years? This seems like a really blonde thought. Spitfire is more perceptive than that.
Point taken; even though there's no captain I'd assume this mistake happens often enough that she wouldn't be momentarily confused.

> These questions! You ask them as if you are asking the reader!
I was playing with styles of internal monologue and never changed back from trying to be clever. :(

> And you just have her in love with Fleur. There was no build up. These things take time you know.
Oops, wasn't my intention. I'll tone this down since it'll be another couple chapters before feelings start to be identified.

Your suggestions and corrections are all excellent (although thinking up a new name will hurt). Except, perhaps:

> Never start a sentence with And.
> Never start a sentence with But.

> Perhaps: But, I bet he's found another mare to bother...


The title change will be interesting, to be sure. Why she's no longer with Fancypants? I knew I was forgetting something! Looks like tonight's going to be productive.

Thanks again for reviewing. Hopefully I'll have a better second chapter in a couple weeks!
>> No. 84941

> Never start a sentence with And.
> Never start a sentence with But.

> Perhaps: But, I bet he's found another mare to bother.

I knew I forgot something! Starting with And or But in dialogue is technically okay, so I let it slide. My bad >.<

Glad you found my review helpful! Like I said, feel free to drop off future chapters here!
>> No. 84948
Stop right there!

Using And and But to start any sentence is absolutely correct and acceptable!
The idea that it's wrong is a total legend - completely made up.

You can check for yourself.
>> No. 84950
File 132945061027.jpg - (7.71KB , 165x200 , Interesting.jpg )

Argh! this only proves I'm only human... or only pony.

Anyways, I'd still go against using And and But at the beginning of a sentence purely because it sounds smoother overall imo.

Sorry for the confusion! Please don't hurt me!!
>> No. 84951
File 132945068190.jpg - (2.47KB , 125x91 , 131975537686s.jpg )
It peeves some readers, and making a habit of it often leads to abuse. Nothing wrong with pointing this out if it might possibly be a problem for readers.
>> No. 84973

Before I forget, there is something I want you to take into consideration about Caughlin Mare. There's a part where you say that Discord squashed a Ponyville rebellion by raining razors on them (If I remember correctly).

You're gonna need to change that since the story takes place over 1000 years before the show and the show implies that Ponyville was only founded 50-75 yearsish ago. (See Ep: "Family Appreciation Day" for reference.)
>> No. 85046
>Discord squashed a Ponyville rebellion by raining razors on them (If I remember correctly).
>You're gonna need to change that since the story takes place over 1000 years before the show and the show implies that Ponyville was only founded 50-75 yearsish ago. (See Ep: "Family Appreciation Day" for reference.)
Oh, that's okay.

Ponyville #1 gets squashed -> wasteland
Order comes by, wasteland -> mines (metal harvesting)
Discord falls, Order centralizes in Canterlot. Ponyville -> wasteland
Celestia rises, the whole Granny Smith thing -> foundation of Ponyville #2
>> No. 85057
Speaking of which...


I won't be able to respond for at least a week. Probably 2. But I will get back to you, hopefully when I've finished #18, because gee, this chapter feels almost filler-ish.

Main point of this chapter is to build up/reveal Caughlin-Luna relations for the next chapter, where they finally freaking find Discord
>> No. 85079
Well, Vimbert reviewed it (A NORMAL REVIEW), and he didn't see much wrong with it, besides some little derps that I had made in sentence structure. Here's the link if you want to take a boo through it:


I'm working on a title picture for it myself, but it's slow-going.
>> No. 85087
Title Blue Acres

Genre: Shipping (of the M/M variety) and Slice of Life

Tags: Coming out, dates, secrecy, fake relationship, family

Synopsis: Big Mac is hiding a secret and Rainbow Dash thinks she has figured it out. Will she confirm her suspicions?

Main characters: Big Mac, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Blues.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4710/Blue-Acres
>> No. 85092
I got a huge queue?

It is as such:

All right, This'll honestly take a few days. Should have most if not all done by Sunday afternoon.
>> No. 85127
File 132950662106.png - (74.98KB , 177x220 , GENTLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.png )
>6 items
>large queue
>> No. 85148

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You still struggle a little with perspective. You start in Twilight's but then you're suddenly in Spike's. I make suggestions in doc on how to fix this.

2. Characters. They're pretty much in character except for a few small things.

Rarity: She finds out Twilight likes her and attacks Twilight, what? Rarity, of all ponies, would probably be the most understanding. Maybe a little surprised, but understanding.

Pinkie Pie: You still don't have a real good reason for PP to sleep with Spike (In a hurt/comfort way.) She would likely lean more towards the sympathy and offer comfort food.

Applejack: You have her find Spike and then demand that he go back to Twilight. She'd probably be more delicate about the situation.

3. Placement of parts. You struggle ever so slightly. Mainly with the weather. It's like you add it in and say, "Oh ya, and it's almost winter." Or "Oh ya, it's cold out." Make sure they're in the appropriate spot. Most descriptions of weather go back during the initial set up of a given section.


Much better. It's much cleaner and easier to read. Things are starting to flow quite nicely. My only concern is that there really isn't a place that an island would be close to Ponyville. It seems that the major bodies of water are a decent distance away (In the show).

Anyways, I'm seeing tons of improvement. Keep up the good work and keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 85153

Heh, I know, but for me it is. I usually try and keep my queue nice and short. (Like, 1 or 2 in it at a time). Sorry, didn't mean to sound like I was complaining, I was just taking note of the sudden influx of fics.

(All compared to my usual queue length
>> No. 85191
Alrighty, fixed 'em all up and am getting ready to find out what to do for perspective. Will report back with EqD's response sometime.
>> No. 85215

Argh! Before I forget. Stay in one perspective, if you try to dance between several perspectives, it can get confusing. As for getting boring? Not really, people like to see where the character who's perspective your in ends up by the end of atleast one section if not the entire chapter.

For OCs, I hear Vanner has a post under the OP that's pretty good. Good look my friend!
>> No. 85218
Working Title: Sail by Night

Tags: [Normal][Adventure][Light Shipping]
Additional Tags:[A Little Bit of AppleDash][Pirate]

Synopsis: Pipsqueak finally leaves Ponyville to go on the adventures he's always dreamed of. However, success as a pirate won't come easily when his crew is only Pinkie Pie and a very irritable unicorn navigator.


Notes: I've fixed most of the problems. I still have it split between Pipqueak's and pp's perspectives, but i believe I have it put in a way that makes sense. I'm going to try to stick with Pipsqueaks perspective in later chapters with a short exception for the introduction of the OC in the next chapter. This way, people can see her mindset and get to know her a bit better. I see you have a bit of a cue going, so you can take care of those first. After all, mine shouldn't need much more work. Personally, I think it's great that your taking time out of your weekend to help us all become better authors. (sincere, yet shameless, sucking up) Seriously, though, thanks!
>> No. 85219
I'll see if I can find his thread before I work on the second chapter.
>> No. 85226

I'll add you to the queue. I'll probably hit you up on Monday, assuming you provide the link >.<

(Or I'll use an old link, assuming you didn't rewrite in a new document.)
>> No. 85291

Okay, I've finished! The rest of the review is in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You abuse ellipses so much. Ellipses are for when a character interrupts him/herself, long pauses, and to imply that there's more to a quote that's irrelevant to what you're trying to say.

2. Chapter 2 is further back in time than the prologue, yet it's supposed to follow the prologue in the sense that they kind of go together. I think you could honestly combine chapter 2 and the prologue. Open up with Chapter 1, then introduce the AU in a combined chapter 2/prologue. IMHO it'll be less confusing that way. It'll be more recognizable as the "Twilight botches a spell" story that it is.

3. Perspective, you do have some minor issues with it. You kind of try and switch part of the way through sections. It's sort of like you start in a perspective, have that perspective walk into the room, talk, leave and then forget the perspective in the room. Try to stay with one perspective per section, it's less confusing for readers. Also, as such, the reader can only see as much as the pony who's perspective we're in. I.E. When Twilight is afraid of the storm, she wouldn't know that the story was result of a clerical error.

This really does have potential, but your setting yourself up for a story that's only slightly unique. "Twilight Botches Up a Spell and Ends Up in an AU" isn't exactly a new topic. I'm sure that having it so that Luna wasn't the one banished to the moon isn't exactly new either. However, having both Princesses, both of which have star pupils is probably which makes this stand apart. Ask yourself, what more can you do to set your story apart from others?

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 85345
File 132958879371.jpg - (353.46KB , 2213x2587 , my_steampunk_pony__derpography_by_steampoweredstallion-d4naufn.jpg )
Only Prologue so far: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Yin_R2kUpl6JUJDTJ9shX7OgRrICgAlTFvBISAypebY/edit

Um... yeah don't have introductory/summary/back page thing for the story yet and not good at them but here goes nothing (winging it this second):

Clockworks, cogs, steam, magical cores, airships and autonomous bots, oh my! Welcome to the New Equestria! In the years during a great and terrible war, and following it's victory, the utopic land of Equestria has been swept up into an industrial revolution of unimaginable proportions, and what a revolution it has certainly been!

In this extravagant age of ingenuity and creativity, meet: The Magnificent and Ingenious Doctor Adwin! Follow our intrepid and eccentric pony as he, with his faithful zebra engineer assistant Marmalade, sets out to make a name for himself in these roaring times!

But what motivates our dear hero? Is it bits? Mares? Fame? Why, not at all.

Everything he does, he does for deal old mother.

Anyway. So, um, yeah! Read if you'd like and all and do your reviewing magic ^^. All criticism appreciated. Sorry it's just the prologue so far, that one is meant to set up world/characters and hasn't hit the big plot yet so... yeah. DX
>> No. 85359
oops! sorry about that, it is the old link. But just in case...

>> No. 85586
Chapter 17:

> (she still had her knowledge of theory, after all)
Well, it's assumed that since it's one of the projects she's considering, she has some knowledge in the area. You could delete this.

> even bedding production.
and even bedding production. This is the last item in the list after all.

> than a hundred metres away from each other.
Well, considering the situation if I remember correctly, there had to be some waiting time due to Discord's irratic schedule.

> In a rare turn of mood, Caughlin had decided to simply ignore it.
How is it beginning a problem if she decides to ignore it?

> Maybe I can catch her for lunch.
Whaaa... she's gonna catch Celestia for lunch? Perhaps: Maybe I can catch her for a lunch together.

> Celestia didn't like runes.
This implies that she might be okay with them now. Use doesn't.

> (thankfully, nopony had left for the worse)
Parenthises are more for side notes. If you put a period after fix, take away these parenthises, you flow nicely into the next part.

> asked Pickedum distractedly from in front of her.
Pickedum is just suddenly there. Perhaps have Luna break Caughlin's concentration like this. (Because, Luna was already mentioned as being there.)

> "You okay, Caughlin?" asked Pickedum again.
Perhaps have Pickedum walk in at this point and ask this?

> handing it to Zephie, the tester unicorn,
Again, somepony is just randomly there. Perhaps she gives the runes to Pickedum (Who had just walked in) to give to Zephie.

> She had tried to stop one to ask
Ask what?

> A bystander had proceeded
Perhaps: A bystander then turned and proceeded...

> so the roads were never very busy.
Or maybe they are busy as ponies try to use them to avoid sidewalk congestion.

> She handed to each of the two a brochure.
Oddly phrased, and considering they are a group, wouldn't they only get a single map?

> neat place...
Don't end paragraphs with ellipses.

> hoofproof if it calls for it.
I pictured them in a stone bunker almost. That's kind of hard to just kick through.

> and a hoof poked at the uppermost area
I see what you mean, but it might help to clarify who's hoof.

> the guise of a mere rebel group."
I think Celestia derped. The group doesn't appear to be disbanding, but rather taking a more active roll in hunding down Discord.

> due to lack.
I believe the phrase is 'due to lack thereof.'

> "What?"
You go "Celestia!" (Caughlin speaking), "What?" (?? I assume Celestia, but you haven't quite had them arrive yet.), "Lun-" (?? Who says this, I presume you mean Caughlin, but her attention is focused on Celestia.)

> "Perhaps, good comrades
Okay, you have Caughlin call out, then Celestia replies, then Celestia finishes up the message. I think a little bit of placement error may be in effect. (The rest of the announcement should probably go right after Caughlin rounds the corner.)

> Of course uncle Fuhrich
Uncle Fuhrich

> - sheltered was not the word, what was it?
I really hate it when questions like this are asked. It sounds like you're adressing the reader. She's asking herself this, so it should probably be reworded to be a thought.

> to bring peace to th world.
Woops, the world.

> to accelerate to the stairs
Perhaps: to gallop to the stairs.

> "I don't think I like the reason."
There wasn't any reason mentioned.

> Luna plunged in.
Plunged into what?

> Mommy, not alone, and if we were there
Luna expects Celestia to die? Well, how about that for faith in her sister.

Final Thoughts:

Very good, very good indeed. You're right, this was sort of a filler chapter, but there was one important fact. The fact that you imply that the order is being disbanded, though I do think they aren't disbanding so much as moving onto a larger scale.

1. The only thing mechanics wise is a few spelling errors and then using ellipses to finish off paragraphs, which you shouldn't do.

2. At one point you ask a question in such a way that it appears to be directed at the reader. No, the reader isn't actually there. Chances are, Caughlin was asking herself. I would suggest rewording it into a thought.


The end is what really makes this chapter. It makes me want to see the 'final' fight between Discord and the alicorns. Keep up the good work!
>> No. 85828

Review was, of course, in doc. We talked about most of the things there, live. That was fun.

Here, have some notes for future chapters:

1. Perspective, choose one for a given scene. Stick with it. Think about what happens, what character gets the most done. This is how you'll choose the perspective character.

2. Word choice. Yes, I know, language barrier, some things make sense in Spanish, but not English. However, when in doubt go to google and get the word defined. Then read it outloud to see if it sounds right in context.

3. Grammar. The biggest thing I noticed there was the ellipses. Ellipses, in most cases when writing fan fiction, is used to indicate long pauses. Most of the time, a comma would do. Also, never end a paragraph with them.

I think I agree with the pre-readers. Your strength is world building. I have a clear idea of where things are, what they look like, and how they should function overall. I think the biggest problem area is the huge battle scene. It honestly felt a little rushed and unexplained. I think you need to take time and tell us how the DDs have a siege tower, maybe the defenders have some boiling oil. Things like that. Describe a proper battle, better yet, describe it with more chaos. Afterall, the DDs don't have a leader.

Yes, I do think your story is interesting, especially for those who really take time to stop and read slowly. However, your story picks up the pace in section 3, which I'm okay with.

Keep writing my friend! I do believe that this is more than possible for you.
>> No. 85831
Hey, so I was instructed to send my story over here since it was apparently not good enough or whatever to be posted up on Equestria Daily and you look like you do a farily good job at reviewing...

So what I've got for you to look over is Endless Nightmare. Honestly, I can't delve too much into the plot right at the moment becuase there's far too many surprises to spoil if I reveal too much. The most I can probably give is the decription I put up for it on FimFiction:

While in Canterlot during the annual Greater Equestria Festival, Twilight purchases a book, nothing unusual about that. But Twilight doesn't know just what dark history this book has, nor could she possibly imagine the road it will lead her down. What seems like an innocent purchase will become a nightmare that Twilight is incapable of escaping and one that threatens to devour everyone she knows... ...

>> No. 85847
>>85079 I need permission to get into this one. Review pending until then.

>>85087 I'm through the first two chapters. I'm not one for shipping in the first place. It's gonna be slow, but I'll try to have this done by tomorrow. (Mind you, I do enjoy the occasional well written shipping fic.)

>>85218 Damn queue. I don't really jump queue unless I happen to be reviewing a long fic in sections, like Simon's. So, I'll try and plow through as quickly as I can without losing quality review. I can't wait to see this version!

>>85345 Only prologue? We all need to start somewhere. I'll get to you probably Wednesday after school. Maybe a little earlier if I don't have anything to do during my first hour lab assistant class.

Argh! What happened to the days where I could chew through reviews as stories came in?
>> No. 85848

Added to the queue. I'll probably have this done by Thursday.
>> No. 85855
Hey there, I've had my fic up on FiM Fiction for a while but I'd like to get an actual review. It's called A Long Journey Home, and basically, it's a journal-style fanfiction of how I would react if I fell into Equestria with no prior knowledge of the show or its inhabitants, and remained as a human. I tried to be as honest with myself as possible, and thought of my own train of thought when I had first discovered the show. These journals primarily chronicle my bumblings about Ponyville, and my desire to get home.

Tags: Uh, Adventure I guess. I really don't know how I'd classify it.
Anyhow, here's a link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8481/A-Long-Journey-Home
>> No. 85869

GDocs is being persnickety again! You have access.

((I'm starting to be a LITTLE angry about GDocs and how it decides who gets to view...))
>> No. 86001

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Those paragraphs. You seem to want to make a new paragraph every time a person takes a pause in speaking. For the size of the pauses most of those have, it's not long enough to require a new paragraph. Remember, new speaker, new idea, new character doing actions, new paragraph.

2. I feel as if you sometimes leave some info out that would be helpful. I believe I addressed all of those in doc.

3. Those agents! I get it, you want them portrayed as a poorly organized group. However, you have them so incompetent that it's really distracting. There's no challenge for Victor. Idiots do not simply get into the government agencies. (Contrary to all belief)

4. You try to draw attention to words that don't really need the attention. Take the time to read those sentences outloud. Do you add emphasis?
No, most of them you probably won't. Unbold those please.


This version is much better than the previous version. However, it needs work. If you take care of the agency and make them look atleast somewhat competent, I would want to read further. As of now, you're starting to lose me.
>> No. 86045

May I point out something? Obviously you were looking for errors. If you just read the story, you'll realize a key thing: THEY DID LEAVE VICTOR'S ROOM.

"Victor got up on his knees, creeping towards a window down the hall." Case in point. He moved DOWN THE HALLWAY. Normally, a bedroom does NOT contain a hallway. For some BIZARRE reason, you think it does.

I just felt I had to clarify that.
>> No. 86100

Here it is! The review and only a day late. Sorry about that.

Chapter 1:

>(which was held back and out of her face by a plastic headband)
Perhaps: The pegasus had a dark blue coat and a dark purple mane which was held back out of her face by a plastic headband.(Oh, and pegasi is plural for pegasus. There's only one pegasus being addressed.)

> she fangirled over Dash's sonic rainboom
I get what you're trying to say, but perhaps: She idolized Dash for the Sonic Rainboom she had done.

> that Celestia awful thing Rarity tried to make her wear
I don't believe Dash ever thought it was aweful. Anyways, if your talking about the episode with the "art of the dress" song, Rarity didn't force her to wear it. Dash wore it willingly.

> She originally put
She had originally put...

> well, this is why...
Don't end a paragraph with ellipses.

> Big Mac gently loaded her onto one of the family cart
Wow, he has that cart with him everywhere doesn't he? Perhaps he gently placed her on his back and carried her back?

> that he occasional

> usually with minor stuff that
Perhaps: usually doing the minor stuff that... (As you have it now, he works with minor things... he doesn't do minor jobs.)

> to New Apploosa
I wasn't aware that there was a New Apploosa. I thought it was just Apploosa. Better recheck that.

> including having the same cutie mark.
No two ponies would have the same cutie mark. I don't think the Flim Flam brothers, who we know where brothers, didn't have the same Cutie Mark.

> cracked and fell off.
cracked, and fell off.

> would have told me if Big Mac was a coltcuddler.
I don't think so. AJ seems to be somewhat sensitive to other's feelings. She doesn't strike me as one who would just tell somepony that Big Mac was a coltcuddler.

> “Nope.”
Not that she's the Element of Honesty or anything. Fanon seems to give her the ability to detect truth vs. lies

> it would probably be Big Mac.
Even with this to try and counter the last comment, this doesn't mean she actually has a thing for him. It merely means that she thinks he's dateable. (Though, I don't think so, their almost polor opposites.)

> her interest lay with fillies.
What? I know the term fillyfooler, but this implies that she likes... young female ponies. I think you should say mares in this case.

> Was Big Mac a coltcuddler? Bi?
I hate questions asked like this. It feels like she's asking the reader. She's actually asking herself. Please reword to be a thought.

Chapter 2:

> Dash downed her morning coffee and shot out of her house like a bullet.
The problem I have with this is that she was mildly curious, but not really caring before. Then suddenly, BAM! She just has to know. Perhaps mention how that night, the question had been eating at her mind.

> and not suspicious cloud
This is like saying a completely ordinary cloud that looked ordinary. Delete and not suspicious.

> of course the blue wings sticking out of the top
Ordinary clouds don't have blue wings. Hmm... look up at cloud and see wings? Someone's either trying to be cute or is spying on somepony. What? Dash trying to be cute on purpose?

> the large red stallion
Don't wander into LuS territory. (using coat/mane colour or a trait specific to a pony to tell us what said pony is doing.)

> Then a few hours past.
RD isn't one to just sit still like this, unless she's napping. The hours would drag on and on to her. Perhaps: Then a few hours slowly passed by.

> “Tell me about it…
This gets it's own line as it's a new character speaking. Also, don't forget to shorten that ellipse into a single period.

> A similar giant plastic candy cane made up the body
Question: Is this important? No, then we don't need a description.

> “Pedaling.”
Again, new character speaking, new paragraph.

> is why you are pretending
is why are you pretending to be a cloud?

> For the first time in a while, Pinkie had truly caught her off guard.
I thought PP managed to do that almost on a daily basis.

> of her pink friend
Again, don't wander into LuS. There are other ways to relieve the repetitveness of a word.

> Besides, Batcolt would certainly get more evidence than this.
But, Batman seems to more follow the crime than anything. He doesn't need much evidence. Perhaps Shertrot HOlmes?

> had some more guys

> had so many more mares than stallions.
Except that the show seems to be more of a... what is it? A world where Females are the dominate gender.

> since it’s your day off, if you would teach me?
I would switch these two parts around.

> Damn it brain,
Careful there. I would ask that you ponify cussing if it works in context. Or avoid it in general. (Danggit would work. Also, you ponify the other cussing points.)

> the farmer pony
Again, the LuS. The urge to not use a name so often is pretty strong, isn't it?

> mighty fine athlete, but…”
Again, don't end with ellipses like this.

Chaper 3:

> A few days had gone by and it was now almost time for the big date.
Perhaps: The remainder of the week had gone by [fast or slow, you decide], but it was finally time for the big date.

> the horizon, as the large red
No comma after horizon.

> He had to look perfect for his first real date.
Just a passing observation: He's still in the closet, isn't he? He's told them he' dating RD, not being taken to... that type of bar with her.

> But Rainbow was stubborn
While starting a sentence with 'but' is technically okay, I still prefer 'however,'

> and gave one of her best cute eyed stare.
D'awww... cute, but she usually gives this face when she's trying to get something. Perhaps she looked at him apologetically and shrugged?

> Knock, knock, knock.
One does not simply write sound directly into a story. Perhaps: All three of the room's occupents turned as somepony knocked on the front door.

> She’d been calling Dash her new big sister
Which she? There are two shes in the room and the last one mentioned was AJ. (Yes, I know you mean AB, but you need to say so!)

> Applejack stared down at Bloom
Please, use her full name. Some pony names just aren't meant to be said only partially. (I.E. Twilight works, but Apple[jack] would not.)

> Though you’ll look
Perhaps: I'd bet you'd look great...

> AJ froze in place and her pupils constricted into small dots. “You wouldn’t.”
This line plus the next line are a bit confusing. I had to read it several times over to understand who was doing/saying what. Reword.

> With the sound of each clop
Heh, clop. Perhaps he listened to their hooffalls?

> You have The Rainbow Dash as your guide.
Since when does RD refer to herself in 3rd person? Perhaps: the one and only? (Idk, still sounds a bit out of character, but more IC than referring to herself in 3rd person.)

> Unts, unts, unts, unts…
Again, sound written out. As a reviewer, this bugs me to no end.

> (in both coat and mane, though the mane was a bit darker)
Curse those parenthesis! Perhaps Big Mac examines the other pony and takes note of the colouration?

> Blues’ cutie mark meant that he was a singer.
Just curious, and I'm sure your readers who aren't as familiar with Blue are too, what is his cutie mark?

> Make that really happy that no one could see him blush.
Perhaps: Big Mac was now really happy that no one could see him blush.

> went down, considerably
No comma after down.

> flying home. So she’ll
Comma after home, so.

Chapter 4:

> the tables and the decorations.
perhaps all the tables? Also, comma after tables.

> Unsure of what exactly he just saw
Perhaps: unsure of what exactly he had just witnessed (Or seen works here too.)

> how’d you manage to get her huh?
Comma after her. (Also, new speaker, new paragraph. In this case, it was Big Mac's paragraph and then Caramel comes in and starts speaking.)

> Afterwards, he finally walked off.
Afterwards kind of implies a longer action than just quickly whispering into somepony's ear. Perhaps: He turned and disappeared into the crowd.

> no one noticed what Blues did.
Did implies that he does the action on a fairly regular basis. Use: what Blues had done.

> in such a scandalous manner.”
Whoa! How did Rarity find out? I know Aj knew about it, but she isn't one to go blabbing about such things.

> Her cheeks turned a light shade of red.
Her? Who is her? (I know, Rarity, but you need to say so!)

> You know, actual sleeping together, not that kind of sleeping together,
Perhaps condense like so: You know, I didn't actually sleep with him, just slept in the same room.

> I swear, Big Mac is lucky that he doesn’t have to put up with dating girls.
Which is ironic because he's 'dating' RD.

> “Yes but I know that she idolizes you.
Either you're going for a 'no pony knows that Scoots doesn't have parents' angle or Cheerilee isn't following regulations. She'd still have to call a parent teacher conference to discuss the issue.

> with a soft clop.
Hehe, again, clop. Perhaps a soft thump?

> but to no avail. “Alright.”
[Insert argument for all right vs. alright here]

> Macintosh lowered his and shook it from side to side.
Lowered his what? His flank? No, you probably meant head.

> Blues led the pair to away
Pair implies that Blues is leading a pair of ponies besides himself. Use them. Also, delete that to.

> Blues passed a tankard
Who brings a tankard to a picnick? Idk, maybe... Wines aren't really a tankard drink.

Some things of note:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, using mane/coat colour, or a specific trait to tell us what pony is doing what action. You run into this problem, especially during the last two chapters.

2. Grammar, those ellipses shouldn't be used at the end of a paragraph. Also, you have some commas that you forgot or used when not necessary. I pointed out the ones I could in that respect.

3. AJ seems a bit out of character. I believe that you imply that Big Mac was able to keep a secret from her despite her being the Element of Honesty. Then later, you imply that he wouldn't be able to lie to her because she's the Element of Honesty. She also seems to blab a lot. (I.E. Rarity finds out about Big Mac and RD sharing a room. RD has no reason to tell anypony and neither does Big Mac. That leaves only one other pony who knew about it, Applejack.)

4. All those questions! The way you write them, it looks like you're asking the audience the question. No, usually, it's the pony asking himself or herself the questions. You could easily reword them to be thoughts.

That's about it for major things. The rest should be in the line by line portion of the review.

It's an interesting concept. However, I'm not one for m/m shipping, so I probably wouldn't have picked it up on my own. Though, I might be willing to review future chapters if and when you update and if you want.

Keep writing my good friend! Let no one stop you, not a long review, not poor reception, not anything!
>> No. 86145
>I don't believe Dash ever thought it was aweful. Anyways, if your talking about the episode with the "art of the dress" song, Rarity didn't force her to wear it. Dash wore it willingly.

Actually, I was talking about what she wore in episode ten, the one with the parasprites. In that Rainbow Dash kept wanting to get away but Rarity was making her stay.

>I thought PP managed to do that almost on a daily basis.

I just figured that Dash had kinda gotten used to Pinkie's weirdness. So it takes more than the normal strange behavior from Pinkie to really catch her off guard.

>No two ponies would have the same cutie mark. I don't think the Flim Flam brothers, who we know where brothers, didn't have the same Cutie Mark.

But there have been different versions of Caramel with the same cutie mark in the show.

>Just a passing observation: He's still in the closet, isn't he? He's told them he' dating RD, not being taken to... that type of bar with her.

Yes, as far as the rest of the family knows him and Rainbow as just going into town for the evening on a date.

>Just curious, and I'm sure your readers who aren't as familiar with Blue are too, what is his cutie mark?

It's musical notes.

>Whoa! How did Rarity find out? I know Aj knew about it, but she isn't one to go blabbing about such things.

I kind of wanted to leave that up to the reader to imagine, though I didn't mean to imply that AJ had told anyone. Maybe a pony spotted them walking back to the farmhouse. One of the farm hands or livestock could have seen Rainbow Dash leaving in the morning. Perhaps Apple Bloom told someone without getting why she shouldn't. There's lots of ways that information could have gotten around.

And since you talked about it a bit at the end, I was thinking that how Rarity found out about the date was that Apple Bloom had told her or told Sweetie Belle who told Rarity. Though I should have probably actually showed that.

Oh and thanks for the review, it was pretty helpful.
>> No. 86221

> Actually, I was talking about what she wore in episode ten
Whelp, guess it's time to start rewatching the first season!

> gotten used to Pinkie's weirdness
Heh, one does not simply get used to PP's weirdness.

> versions of Caramel with the same cutie mark
I think that's just the animators being lazy and not wanting to come up with a unique Cutie Mark for EVERY pony.

As for the whole 'Scandalous' situation, your explanation works. However, you might want to show that a bit better. (How they found out I mean.)
>> No. 86232

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. After 3 reviews, I don't see anything major. Except for maybe an instance of LuS or 2 and one perspective issue that's easily fixable.

Honestly, I'm to the point where I can't find anything major. All the things I have to say are in doc and are easily fixable. Good Job!

I'd say that you're about ready to give this a run by EqD if you so desire. (Just make sure to follow the submission steps.) Like I said, I THINK you're ready to give it a shot. Just please don't go telling them I told you that it would get up, by no means am I the final judge. If they send you back, I'm here and so are other reviewers, who should be able to help.

Good luck!
>> No. 86261
File 132995396573.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona.png )

Wow, though we talked a lot discussing the review, I considered appropriate to acknowledge through there. Thanks, man, you've been quite a help here.

I've been able to fix most of the issues giving different viewpoints (for example, the last meeting, Fluttershy's tending Spike via ointments and so on (that and magic, not much in the middle-ages :P). Also, several things were added in order to avoid conflicts and questions like that ones you made yourself during the writing.

This has been an interesting feedback. The point about the worldbuilding and the blending of Legend of the Five Rings and MLP was the thing I focused on the most, mainly because I wanted to make the crossover, but also the fact that I wanted it to be enjoyable for those non-fans of L5R and decided to give it a try, so I avoided most of the specific jargon. Though I miss some words (the weapons and the term "shugenja" instead of the one you saw, "summoner"), I was able to wrap my head around those changes with more or less simplicity. My main idea was making the story and the world complex (because the world is full of so many things), yet simple for those non-experts to enjoy it to. Some parts of the etiquette and so have been simplified or softened too (demanding duels every once in a while for every single offending action would end up with most of the cast wounded or dead by the time I reached chapter 3).

The story was edited and send to EqD (still waiting for the "to the pre-readers!" mail since yesterday). I'll keep you informed.
>> No. 86264
Yay! Thanks! I think I'm going to finish at least two more chapters before sending it in. This way people actually have a few chapters to read so that they can get hooked, lol! I would be more than honored if you would review more chapters when they come!
>> No. 86281
File 132995884668.jpg - (10.84KB , 229x200 , 3321298+_af37e487fbfaa84eefcda63e4ee65599.jpg )
Hey kind reviewer,
This is my first fanfic and I was hoping you could tell me what you honestly think of it. It isn't finished yet, but new chapter is coming soon. And do you have any tips how to boost publicity? I am kinda sad that my story isn't as popular as I hoped it will be.

Title : Drop of Chaos

Synopsis : For a second time Discord is trapped and while he may seem immobile, his mind is still active and bored. But something went wrong when the Mane 6 imprisoned him and he gained interesting abilities. He can use them to create anything, his little world, bunnies, even chocolate milk. What will Discord do? Will he be able to finally enjoy some Chaos? (Author note : Basically Discordception)

Tags : Comedy, Parallel universe, Adventure, Unfinished

Link : http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8119/Drop-of-Chaos
>> No. 86481

Argh! *Shakes his magic reviewing wand*

Sorry mate, the wand doesn't seem to be the right type for this story. I'm gonna have to let you chew on the partial review in doc and pick another thread. Either A.) You aren't a native english speaker and just ran this through a translator, B.) You are a 12 year old, over excited kid or C.) This is your first attempt at writing and I highly doubt it's option B.

Anyways, partial review in doc and some things of note in here:

1. Descriptions, you seem to add them in almost as an afterthought to part of the paragraph or you go a little overboard. Make sure that the description is by whatever you're describing. And yes, two sentences after can sometimes be too late.

2. Lavender Unicorn syndrome, using coat colour, mane colour, type of pony, a specific trait of a pony to tell us who's doing what. You're beginning to wander into this. I have a comment in doc about how the zebra should have introduced herself by now, but has failed to do so.

3. Those words! You add in extra words to describe something (I.E. Presenting arc) as if you want to make sure we know what it is. Please, don't treat us like third graders. Most of us are young adults to guys in their 30's. We get what you mean. Also, some of the words look like they should be something else, but aren't because you took a thesaurus, ran the original word through and picked the word that looked neatest. You have to look at more than just the definition. Two words may mean roughly the same thing, but in context, they mean different things.

I only got part of the way through, yet I'm running into almost the same mistakes over and over. What I've pointed out in doc could almost be copy and pasted over and over until I hit the end and be pretty damn accurate.

By all means, don't give this up! You just need to take a good, hard look at your story and do some self-proofreading. I wish you luck my good sir!

(Oh, and have some Misc. errors in your synopsis.)

> meet: The Magnificent and Ingenious Doctor Adwin!
You don't need that colon.

> he does for deal old mother.
Dear? Dead?
>> No. 86499
O__o I see. Well, thank you for your time, I'll see what I can do XD. Funny enough A, B, and C are all correct XD, except add four years to B and an extra bucket of excitable and take out the translator part in A and yups! *Waves* See ya!
>> No. 86506
So, I wrote something. I posted it on FIMFiction.net, but I've had no feedback. Could you take a look at it?

>> No. 86517
Hey man, I was told by the pre-readers on EQD to get a review on my story, but the training grounds is backed up and it seems like people will just claim the new stories instead of looking back. My story has been in ther for just over a week now, and I feel like it might be a while. So I came here.

It's called Cloud 9, and it's a ship-fic. Right now, it has 4 chapters and is around 13,000 words.

Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have started to date recently, but so have Applejack and Rarity. Should the couples tell their friends about their relationships? And if so, how will the rest of the Mane Six react to hear that their friends are not only romantically interested in other mares, but are dating each other?

Link to all chapters: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9189/Cloud-9

An if you are wondering the EQD pre-readers said - The story is on it's way but it still needs work before we see it posted. Small errors are still abundant and the story still does a bit of telling, the first chapter is fine but in the others it's much more noticable. It's a good second draft, give it another edit sweep and I think the third time will hit the mark.

>> No. 86826

Okay... this is getting to be massive. 116 comments and I'm only half done. So here, have part 1!

Chapter 1:

> now just a memory.
Perhaps it's a fading memory? Afterall, memories don't usually just disappear.

> Four weeks in the capital of Canterlot hosts the Greater Equestria Festival, the largest gathering of ponies all year.
What? I've read this sentence a dozen times and still don't get what you're actually saying. I think I know, but you're going to need to reword this.

> but also by the recently-returned Princess Luna.
Unless you think people are going to be confused as to when this takes place in relation to the show, you can delete recently-returned. Also, just a passing observation: I take it that the festival started after Luna's banishment?

> But it was a perfect opportunity
But what? You don't have anything for that but to go with. Delete it.

> out of the streets,
Wait, wait, wait... out of the streets? Wouldn't they be drawn to the streets? You know, since that's where they'd be more likely to see the Princesses? Also, there is no way you can hide behind 'they're in the Castle' it's goo large of a crowd for that.

> their glorious Princess in person.
Hehe, in person... ponies. Perhaps: for themselves.

> those less interested
I know that you mean interested in the festival, but you could specify. (Also, why would they be less interested? It sounds like a massive event with things for everyone.)

> Today it was the
Comma after today.

> the young, purple and green dragon popped a piece of candy in his mouth.
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. using a coat/mane colour, a specific trait, or type of pony to tell us who's doing what. Don't do it. It all most seems like you want to remind us of something we already know.

> as she took quick glances
Perhaps: as she scanned the displays...

> “I know that, but Rarity and Applejack are part of it this year
Oooo... very good point Spike! Twilight would be right there supporting her friends if at all possible. Remember the Sonic Rainboom episode? Yeah, if she would do whatever it took to go cheer on RD, she would do everything she could to support AJ and Rarity in this.

> he said, using his best
Do not fall into a 'she said, she said, he said, he said' habit. Perhaps: he retorted... (Just saying, you usually don't need to tell us that speaking has occured. The quotation marks and preceeding actions tell us that much.)

> is you are all
You have smatterings of present tense where there shouldn't be. This should be past tense. You were...

> dug his claws into her saddlebags
I picture Spike grabbing the saddlebags and digging in (As into hold on tightly.) Consider rewording. (Also, formatting, I think you accidently added a indentation here.)

> the Market was calm
Is the Market the actual name? If not, don't capatilize market.

> Twilight was different
How was she different? There really hasn't been a change in her and you don't go on to describe a change.

> and only one shop she knew she’d be able to find something.
Perhaps: and there was only one stall she knew she'd be able to find it.

> was THE shop
If you want to draw attention to a word, don't use all capital letters. Use italics or bolding instead.

> But the store had the annoying habit
Starting with but is technically okay, but I prefer something like 'However, the store...'

> The purple unicorn stopped
Lus, don't wander into it!

> “Oh… hi… I wasn’t expecting
Ellipses are used for longer pauses in this case. Most of the time (Like in this case.) commas work better.

> down in Aaaaaaapleloosa
*Glares at the Author* No... The name of Appleloosa isn't Aaaaaaapleloosa.

> to move…
You don't even need a comma (Much less an ellipse).

> “Oh, no, she would never do that.
You can delete that comma after oh.

> prevent complete chaos from erupting.
Dinkleburg... (Discord) *Glare*

> But for the time being she
Again, starting with But. I would prefer you start with However.

> She walked through the streets, only
no comma, with only...

> hadn’t opened yet, only
I'am no expert at using semi-colons, but I think you can use one here.

> Spike suddenly popped up to life,
Popped up to life is awkward. I get what you're saying, but you need to reword to make it flow better.

> you go do your nerd stuff
Hmm... egghead seems more appropriate here.

> Twilight watched him for a moment
Any other reactions? Or did she just stare blankly at him?

> decided to move to Manehattan…
Just a period will do.

> Now is there anything
Comma after Now.

> she was in danger…
Don't end paragraphs with ellipses.

> “What’s taking so long?”
She just got into the store. Have her do some things or move this to somewhere after she does those actions.

> Spike blared,
Word choice. It sounds like you opened up a thasauras and picked the most interesting looking word for shouted. Honestly, shouted would do just as well. Also, why is Spike shouting in a book store? Perhaps he shouted from outside?

> I don’t want to miss that!”
Not that he has to be with Twilight or anything. After all, she did just let him wander off to a nearby stall on his own. Perhaps he says this when she goes to collect him?

> we have here?”
Perhaps: "Ah, a little scholor are you?"

> “Well as the star pupil
Comma after Well.

> a thought suddenly hitting his head.
Well, since this is from Twilight's persepctive, we wouldn't really tell he was struck by an idea. It might be apparent to Twilight that he has one, but wouldn't know for sure.

> and waived her over.

> Twilight levitated out of the chest
I think you a word. Maybe 'it' between levitated and out?

> and held firmly shut by a clasp.
I think mentioning that it was firmly shut by a clasp should go back after mentioning the cover, but before describing what's on the cover.

> Lyrics of Arcanum
Put this in italics.

> all offering way to increase
ways. I'm sure it offers more than one way.

> leading Twilight to shut
Honestly, 'causing' sounds smoother than 'leading'.

> Yet, no matter how hard he tugged or jerked,
Twilight's eyes are closed. How can she see this? Perhaps after a few seconds she still hasn't heard a tearing noise so she opens her eyes and then see's this.

> go on speculation.
'guess' or 'speculate' sound smoother. (Delete 'go on')

> it’s rarity I COULD
Again, don't use all capital letters.

> Twilight smiled, dug into her saddle bags,
And Twilight isn't suspicous at all? I would be suspicous if someone offered to sell an ultra rare copy of a book for only 10 bits.

> the purple unicorn leave.
Again, LuS. You may be able to get away with it once. I'd choose this spot if I could get away with it.

Chapter 2:

> that left nearly five in the morning.
That left at nearly...

> to the public,
no comma

> Twilight of course
Twilight, of course, had...

> , word had even been sent ahead to inform the guards of her arrival.
You could probably do without this. At the very least, period after Celestia and make this it's own sentence.

> they allowed civilians to board.
But civilians aren't allowed at the archives anyways. Perhaps before the guards would let her board?

> The unicorn stood up
LuS. Yup, we know Twilight is still a unicorn.

> As she started to approach it
'As she started to approach it' is smoother.

> flow just suddenly cut off.
Delete just.

> shake violently, as if
No comma after violently.

> “PINKIE!?!” She yelped
Last time I point this out. Don't use all capital letters. The ?! is enough to tell us she shouts and is surprised.

> “I win Twilight, now you’ll have to find me,”
You're trying to Pinkie Pie too hard here. Tone it down. (She'd probably yell something like "Surprise!")

> Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity
Comma after Fluttershy.

> instead stepping aside to reveal Spike
Any particular reason they're drawing attention to Spike specifically?

> But I didn’t want to drag you all away from the festival on my accord
Replace 'my accord' with 'a whim'

> how would you expect us to enjoy ourselves without you missing
Heh, this implies that they couldn't enjoy the festival if Twilight were present.

> she called out, violently trying to get free.
I have yet to see PP actually get stuck. Her 4th wall breaking skills seem to prevent that. Also, problem, the Princess only gave permission for Twilight to go, not her friends. How are you going to handle that?

> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Make sure that these are properly centered.

> Onboard the train, a few hours into the trip,
A few hours into the trip implies that they're on the train now. Delete onboard the train.

> on her bench, the Lyrics
The Lyrics is a book title. Use italics to show it as such.

> This had to be the third time she had gone through the book
Volumes are huge books. It's a volume because there was too much information to fit in a single book. I doubt she's gone over the whole book three times. Perhaps only a section?

> once last night before
once the previous night is smoother than this.

> and already once on the train
Perhaps: and again on the train.

> their currently capabilities or just
comma after capabilities.

> Applejack walked over to her
You want to know a cool effect for AJ? Add an accent! How you ask? Let's go with simple: change her I's to Ah's. It'll help readers read her lines in her voice.

> only two MASSIVE statues of Luna and Celestia
But what hides it so effectivly? Last I checked, having two massive statues wasn't the way to do it.

> making it difficult to assault.
Good grief! Is this a library or a fortress?

> as the train staff
I think you mean conductor.

> any who were done with their tour here.
If they're done with their tour, why are they on the train headed to the Archives?

> One was a white-furred Pegasus
I do believe that it's hair, though I would reword this. Perhaps: One had a white coat pegasus; the other was a...

> of crimson armor,
No comma after armor.

> I assume these are friends of yours?”
And he doesn't challenge it at all?

> Dash asked, butting in
She's not really butting into anything.

> “Now come along,”
Comma after Now

> each one representing a species and gender of a pony.
Anatomically correct statues? Heh...

> such as the countries’

> of metal, not wood or stone.
Just saying, the difference between metal, wood, and stone is obvious enough that they shouldn't have to knock on it before the mane 6 can guess.

> A unicorn colt emerged from the hallway
Colt is a young pony. You want stallion.

> His was covered in white fur
Ponies have hair, not fur. (I'm not quite sure how hair and fur are seperated into catagories, but they are.)

> on his back, with
No comma after back.

> “Celestia’s young protégé,
New speaker, new paragraph.

> his gaze dropped onto her friends
Perhaps: his gaze drifted to her friends. (After all, he isn't above them, so it can't really drop.)

> immediately dropped.
I believe the proper saying is immediately fell.

> pointing them out.
The refers to the whole group. You want pointing to each one in turn. (To show that she actually points out which pony is which.)

> appreciate allowing us
Who is doing the allowing? Tell us!

> Rarity butted in.
Rarity is a proper mare, she would not butt in like a commoner. Also, AJ finished speaking. Rarity really isn't butting into anything.

> The next hall was fairly long
Derp! This paragraph needs another space between it and the previous one.

> so everyone else did to.
Perhaps: as did everypony else.

> But eventually Applejack
Either delete But or replace it with However

> echoed back and a
Delete and, add a comma after back.

> receive the un-approving glare of Moonlight.
disapproving glare...

> Dash murmured to Twilight as she walked past.
What? She doesn't react more? She doesn't shoot him a dirty glare? More reaction, more!

> She used her hoof the slide it across to Moonlight.
Just saying 'she slid it across to Moonlight' is enough to imply that she used her hoof. (Though, why doesn't she levitate it to him like I would expect her to do?)

> “Lyrics of Arcanum, Volume 3
Book title, use italics.

> my interest peaked.
This means that his interest is at a maximum. You want piqued.

> on stack one,
Perhaps the first level instead of stack one?

> Star Swirl…” Twilight said
What causes her to stop speaking? Nothing? Finish the sentence!

> to all his work, these books
Periiod after work. These books...

> making sure to shoot down that rumor.
Doesn't really add anything to the story. Delete it.

> So I guess it COULD be Star Swirl…
His name is Star Swirl the Bearded! Don't you forget it! Also, comma, not ellipses.

> Hocus explained all
And suddenly the character changes name! Oops!

> dragons, the book says
Period after dragon. The book says...

> “Yes, supposidly;
Period after supposedly. The book claims...

> Moonlight gently slid Twilight’s book back to her.
And he just gives it back to her... No 'You shouldn't have this' speech?

> “This magic… this is evil magic, isn’t it?”
Thank you Captain Obvious!

> it might only be evil if used for evil intentions
Just because something evil is used good doesn't mean it isn't evil now. (Heh, necromancy... not evil? Any good D&D like game requires that you be some some sort of evil alignment to use it.)

> How could she have let her guard down so easily?
You are not asking this to the reader. Most likely, she's asking this rhetorically to her friends. Reword it so she's saying it.

Notes for myself:

Talk about grammer (Ellipses and over use of comma), LuS, a few plot holes.
>> No. 86828
I seem to do this a lot, but I easily get lost in my own thread. I need to get around to making a queue document for myself.

>>85831 Half done, will finish after I take a break.

>>85855 Tomorrow.

>>86281 I plan to getting to this tomorrow.

>>86506 This is short. So if not tomorrow some time, Sunday morning.

>>86517 Maybe Sunday afternoon, probably Monday.
>> No. 86857
1) Title: A Rose Reverie

2) Tags: Sad, Bittersweet

3) Synopsis: After a mysterious event, Pinkie Pie is placed in an insane asylum by her friends. The focus of the story is Pinkie finally realizing the truth she's been denying for years.

4) Misc stuff: I just got my second rejection letter from Equestria Daily, and apparently, I'm really damn close.

In a nutshell, the pre-reader couldn't find any technical flaws (or at least he didn't mention them); the main problem with the story seems to be that it's confusing. When I submitted my story, I sent it in the first two chapters out of seven. In this case, I'm giving you the whole story.

Above anything else, I'd like to know if the pacing is good; that is to say, do you believe the reason why Pinkie is in the asylum is explained well enough. Also, I need to know if you think the way I reveal that information is good. Currently, it's a gradual reveal; each chapter gives a few more details about what happened.

Thanks in advance, looking forward to hearing what you think.

PS: Even though the story is labeled in chapters, it's actually going to be a one shot when I resubmit it to EqD. The chapter breaks were just to separate certain plot elements.

Also, I'm now on my third and final try for submitting to EqD, so I really need a thorough review. Please don't hesitate to call me out on anything, especially if you agree with the pre-readers (in that it's confusing).


Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A-IpY64EQLICfLozivJtFB-SCYWrejGRANX974WxtAw/edit
>> No. 86921

Chapter 3:

> via a pair of carriages
They have to take a train to get there, but they can take a carriage back? It's going to be a looooooong ride, isn't it? Okay, read a few lines down and I guess it works, but why not have Twilight just teleport them out?

> But to her bewilderment
I still prefer 'however' to 'but'

> no not simply gone, there was not a single sign that it had even existed in the first place.
One, comma after no. Two, it sounds like the store is simply gone to me.

> year of absent use.

> had she imagined the entire incident?
Again, you aren't asking the reader. Have her actually ask somepony...

> After about an hour of fruitless searching
Where are the rest of the mane 6? Surely they do something too?

> own private luxurious suites
Luxery suites

> The young unicorn took herself a long shower
LuS. Herself, delete it.

> her unravel his plans
Perhaps she wasnt to unravel the mystery? She needs to do that before she can really plan anything.

> was somehow involved, Hocus
Period after involved.

> what was he getting out of it?
10 bits... duh /sarcastic eyeroll/ Heh...

> the raging storm.
Perhaps reword: the storm that raged within her mind. (Adds a bit of clarity)

> a request for the filly.
One, Twilight is not a filly. Scootaloo and the CMC are fillies. Twilight is a mare. Two, LuS. Her would work just fine.

> Twilight could somehow see everything around her.
Okay, this is a dream, I get that, but you still need light to see. Perhaps she senses everything around her?

> used in the Lyrics;
Last time, book titles are in italics.

> “Who's there,”
Question mark.

> She attempted to light up her horn for a better look
Perhaps she attempts to illuminate the area. (Yes, we would know that she would use her horn to do so.)

> in the depths of the Taint?”
Hmm... I would expect that she would have to try a simple spell before this vision came to her. It may just be me though. Take this as you will.

> “My name…
I imagine this as a question. "My name? You will know me as..." (Also, don't end paragraphs with elipses! Perhaps tack on: The voice seemed to be fading.)

> The purple unicorn awoke abruptly
LuS. Don't worry, I'll more fully explain myself in my thread.

> despite being a warm spring evening.
As written, this implies that Twilight is a warm spring evening. insert 'it' after 'despite'. (Also, they arrived late at night, I think it's beyond evening by now.)

> just laid there on the floor

> It started to make a bit of sense,
What, exactly makes sense?

> so she slowly got herself up
If I had a bad dream, was all wound up about it, and then someone knocked on my door out of nowhere, I'd probably scream.

> but he quickly lodged his leg between the door and the frame.
Ow... getting your leg slammed in a door really hurts.

> you are just the kind of filly he’d be interested at his side
One, Twilight isn't a filly. Two, you probably meant interested to have at his side.

> what does he WANT from me?”
You don't really need to draw attention to that want.

> Hocus chuckled slightly as he stopped, having Twilight stuck in a corner of the room.
New character new paragraph. Also, 'having stuck Twilight in a corner of the room. (What? Why a corner? That doesn't really make sense when you want to talk to them and you already have them cornered, so to speak.)

> she just need to move at the right moment.
Indeed she does. I hope you're taking into account that Hocus would be right in front of her, thus blocking her way.

> “How dare you!
This doesn't really sound like Twilight. Go ahead and delete it.

> not after EVERYTHING
This word doesn't need to have attention drawn to it.

> he put on a wide smile
One does not put on a smile. He smiled widely.

> “I see, well Twilight,
Period after 'I see'. Well Twilight,...

> and I will get your
Get your what? Get your cookies? Get your antique lamp?

> and lunged forwards
and lunged forward

> The claws
the claws, the claws, the claws. You say it so many times in this paragraph. Don't, find other ways to indicate that they did X action.

> against just barely missing her

> Hocus was right up on her.
perhaps: Hocus was upon her.

> so if she teleported down
Okay, now she remembers teleporting. Now she can teleport to any known location (Max distance unknown). Why doesn't she just go straight to the Princess?

> before Hocus got down to continue the chase
Or also teleported down. He is a unicorn afterall. He also has the tain to help.

> but in the process was trying to get a picture of where she wanted to end up
She what? Lost concentration? THere has to be an action after this. She closes her eyes when she concentrates, thus she wouldn't just look up at Hocus.

> “Have you decided to accept,” Hocus asked.
New speaker, new paragraph.

> she closed her eyes
Okay, things become clear now. Above, you implied that she was already trying to teleport.

> Hocus shot a claw down to the ground, breaking his fall
Question: Where is the night traffic? Canterlot is a big city, there would be some. How are they reacting?

> Hocus explained, still hoping he might convince her to give in.
Perspective: Twilight wouldn't know that he still hoped he might convince her.

> but I can’t ruin the surprise,
delete but.

> By now Hocus’ personality had completely changed
Umm... he's been changed since his transformation in this chapter.

> if she stood her ground long enough
Teleport to the castle you fool! Also, where are her friends? I assume their rooms are close by. Twilight and Hocus weren't exactly silent this whole time.

> but Hocus wouldn’t give her time to concentrate for that.
She does it almost insantaneously in the show... (Granted, it is shorter distances, but still. She could do a sort of teleport hop skip sype thing, using it to jump further than she could run. What I'm saying is, She's smarter than this and she has dozens of options available to her.)

> Twilight lifted her head swiftly, revealing both eyes glowing.
This only happens when she has bouts of extreme magic. The show implies that it's triggered by other extream magics, such as the Sonic Rainboom or the Elements of Harmony. I hate to say it, but taint arms is hardly magical enough to stimulate such a response. (She isn't Aang or Super Sayin.)

> They whole length
The whole length

> focused a beam of pure magic into the tip of her horn
Yeah, that is what comes out of a unicorn's horn initially.

> within a minute
In a duel, a minute is a very long time. A very long time. In a minute, I could kill you and then some.

> Twilight wobbled up onto her hooves
She rose unsteadily to her hooves.

> crushing the purple unicorn
Lots and lots of LuS!

> It quickly grabbed twilight
Amazing! It grabbed the time of the day! No, it grabbed Twilight.

> and scooped her up into its fist.
Don't repeat yourself...

> dash called as she shot

> somehow help?
This isn't a question. Also, she isn't somehow helping, she is helping.

> veering into a nearby tree.
Veering is a sharp turn. Perhaps it sent her tumbling?

> Before he could reach
I think you meant 'before he could turn'

> Thank you all, I don’t know what I would have done,”
Hocus: Hello... I'm still here! (*Hint* What happens to him? As far as we know, he's still around to fight. Why does Twilight stop to hug everyone? Save it for after the fight.)

> but a bit-less hack, Hocus!”
Passing comment: No he isn't! He has 10 bits!

> all the other from Twilight.
One, why do they stand their ground? Seems foolish, they would do something. Two, others.

> who use the tentacle to slam
Who used...

> “Now Twilight is coming
Comma after Now.

Chapter 4:

> into this foreign world.
Well, the world isn't foreign per say, but the era is.

> unintentionally hilarious due to her old language constantly cutting
I'm not sure if it would be funny, intimidating, or embaressing.

> “Princess Luna, we need your help,”
I think I mention this a while back, but adding a slight accent to AJ's dialogue would be amazing!

> “I see, so what, pray tell, is the issue?” Luna asked.
Hehe. Group bursts into her chambers yelling and screaming about a kidnapping and she still doesn't get it.

> Luna remarked and started towards the exit of her garden.
I get the feeling that Luna isn't really taking this very seriously. She kind of takes it in a 'take our time' way.

> She was currently suspended off the ground by a long chain that hung down from the ceiling.
Might be a little extreme. Perhaps she's chained to the back wall?

> piece of chalk in his mouth.
Seems a little inconvienent since he happens to be a unicorn.

> Luna ordered, using her Royal Canterlot Voice.
Well damn. No challenge there, I guess his cave wasn't hidden well. You better have a good reason for them finding the cave so fast.

> “What are thou speaketh?”
I think the proper way is (And don't quote me on this) "Of what do though speaketh?"

> Thus cave shook, but it didn’t cause any damage
I think you could reword this better. Perhaps: The cave shuddered as the waves of magic bounced around the walls, causing stalacitites to drop from the roof.

> to shake softly
Perhaps rumble?

> and figured began to emerge
and figures.

> As the dirt fell of their

> signaling the possessed
They aren't really possessed per say. We could get into a whole argument about magic here, but for the sake of not, I suggest the risen dead.

> for one reason or another it seemed to move slower
And we know the Princess would be a better fighter than Twilight, so how does it manage to hit her the first time?

> even a kick from Rarity
But we know that Rarity actually kicks very well. She kicks that manticore pretty hard. Perhaps a kick from Fluttershy? (Though you'd have to give a reason for her to be kicking the undead. Something like: Even a kick from Fluttershy could turn them into a pile of bones if they got close enough to her.)

> Hocus could go back to working on the ritual.
You'd think that with magic this powerful, it would require some concentration on his part.

> get to finish two slammed
I think you forgot the word 'as' between finish and two.

> have ignored here,
Here? Where's here? Oh, her little corner.

> path to the colt,
Again, colt is a young pony, he would be a stallion.

> “Did you just buck me?”
Bwhahahahahahaha! Dirty mind is dirty. I think it's okay to use kick here.

> rather puzzled look.
Puzzled? I'd be amused, hehe.

> “Oh, did if hurt,
That's a question, add a question mark.

> maintain concentration while using the Taint.
Which he didn't have when he turned his focus back to the ritual. He could maybe divide his attention between 2 things, but not his army, the ritual, and keeping Twilight chained. Perhaps he focuses on his army and keeping Twilight bound. (The plan being to return to the ritual after he wins.)

> she called to them as she was hit in the side.
Perhaps she grunted? (After all, she was just hit with force.)

> but after the injuries he’d sustained
Meh, he's was kicked by Fluttershy and blown back by Twilight. Kicked by either AJ or RD earlier and he brushed that off like nothing. Suddenly he's too injured to use the all powerful magic?

> his body began to turn to stone.
Meh, kinda anticlimatic considering we've seen Discord turned to stone already.

> “A commendable effort, Hocus is finished and this horrible Taint is gone,” she remarked.
Again, Luna seems sort of emotionless.

Some things of note:

1. Grammar: You abuse the poor ellipse. It's horrid. I'm almost tempted to start a TV ad to get donations for the poor ellipse. Ellipses are used mainly for longer pauses in dialogue. Most of the time, a comma will do. As for comma's you forget a few, you add a few. If you have any doubt, read the sentence outloud. All capatilized words, be careful. If you want to draw attention to a word, use italics.

2. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: LuS: using coat/mane color, specific trait, or type of pony to tell us who's doing what. I know, the temptation to use LuS is strong. However, he's, she's, etc... will do.

3. Characters: Good job, for the most part, they're in character. The biggest exception is that Luna feels very emotionless. Give her some emotion! Also, at the beginning, you kind of overdo PP just a tad. Lastly, please, give AJ an accent! Even if it's just I->Ah, you->yah...


Despite the errors (200-210), you have a very good story in progress here. I could almost see it as the opening to Season 3. You know, if you toned it way down so that you would be comfertable letting say... a daughter watch it. (Though don't, I like the violence levels as is.)

DO not let this large review discourage you! Keep writing my good friend! I can't wait to see a chapter 5.
>> No. 86935
Alright, thank you for going through it, I've gone back and made changes as necessary. One thing of note, in FiM i don't really see there being much of a clear explanation as to when colt/stallion and filly/mare is suppose to be used, they seem interchangeable to me. For me personally, mare and stallion invoke images of ponies who have had children, which would not apply to any of the characters so far.

Another thing, this isn't actually from Twilight's perspective, in fact the next chapter won't even have her in it.

I also ask you bear with me on the fights, I am not really good on writing on that end and this is one of the few times I have to have one. I also made Hocus' defeat anticlimatic on purpose. The plan is that at some point they will fail to stop the big threat, leaving Twilight clueless as what to do next. I also wanted Hocus to remain in the cave, I have a special plan for him in a few chapters, it's minorly relevant in the next chapter and thus I couldn't have him imprisoned.
>> No. 87015

You know the drill, hopefully. I've fixed parts in this, so I hope this is better. I'm still trying to get out of my premise: "The agents are utterly incompetent." Hard to get out of.
>> No. 87231
This is the second chapter of Sail by Nigh (working title). I've changed a lot in it, even rewriting a good portion of it. So here is chapter two, new and improved. Go ahead and take your time getting to it. I know you have a huge queue right now, and this is more for fun than anything. Hope you enjoy!

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l78ikD-1VfBMAEBrwqpUtTuFagG8Icgrn8v2hDWWkk4/edit
>> No. 87333

This is your first, eh? I can tell. Anyways, have a review that... well... you'll see:

Chapter 1:

> under a sink and smash it together.
Lets see... under my sink I have TP and pads. Perhaps: every creature you could lay hands on and smash them all together?

> - Draconequus (or Chimera...whichever you prefer)
Draconequus is canon. Perhaps: To be accurate, that statue represents the Draconequus, Discord, Spirit of Disharmony and Chaos.

> Discord...it is actually Discord himself.
Don't use ellipse here. Use a comma.

> so he can't hurt anyone and/or spread chaos.
Just leave the and/or as or.

> Thanks to Princess Celestia
This is a new concept, so it needs a new paragraph.

> and now everypony slowly forgot
Perhaps: everypony is slowly forgetting...

> But inside the stone prison
Starting with But is technically correct, but I prefer 'However, inside...'

> "Here am I once more" Discord thinks,
Thoughts are usually indicated by italics. Also, don't tell us that Discord thinks. The italics would do that for us. Show Discord doing something. Perhaps: [Though] Discord drummed his fingers together and sighed. [thought]

> little bit longer?". "Now I am trapped here
You don't need that period, you don't need end quotation marks until Discord would be truely done speaking in this paragraph. (But that doesn't matter, does it? You're going to properly show thoughts from now on, aren't you?)

> And as soon as Discord thought
You could do without that 'And' and make 'as' the first word.

> chocolate milk a glass of that delicious
Comma after milk.

> of that delicious liquid
My mind... it's full of [rainbow]. I didn't even think it was possible to get Lavender Unicorn Syndrome with inanimate objects like this. (Will define LuS at the end). Yes, we know that chocolate milk is delicious and it's a liquid. Just use a glass of it...

> and then for about 2 hours Discord thought
Delete and, new paragraph. Perhaps: For the next two hours, Discord thought...

> even silly things like a cat-a-pult.
That really isn't silly. That's more like a cruel-a-pult.

> And everything Discord thought
Delete and.

> but do we really have to know the reason for everything?
Gah! Rhetorical question! You are not asking the reader anything. Nothing at all! In fact, there's no good reason to have this question because even Discord isn't asking this to himself. Perhaps change it to: and he really didn't care.

> and then destroying them Discord
Comma after Discord.

> And thus began Discord's attempts
Delete 'And'

> .well like him : twisted and wicked.
Except Discord didn't really look at himself as Twisted and Wicked.

> (Because what is opposite of chaos? Well Harmony, and to spread chaos fully, everything must be in Harmony)
Thank you captain obvious. You could delete this.

> Everfree Forest ever so wild and untamed
Comma after Forest.

> Cloudsdale where Pegasi live, Froggy Bottom Bog - A land where foul things live
Comma after Cloudsdale. Those hyphans... Argh! Most of them should be commas, if not something else!

> let's make this FUN!"
If you want to draw attention to a word, use italics, not all capatilized letters.

> he put on his freshly summoned cool hipster glasses
The point of hipster isn't to be cool, but to like things that aren't mainstream. At the very least, drop the cool.

> Pinkie Pie was sleeping in Sugarcube Corner
Okay, I get what you're trying to demonstrate, but no... Get rid of PP saying things, get rid of showing us exactly what PP does. Perspective here. It's in Discord's PoV so only show what he can see.

You know what? I'm going to stop right here. You know why? Because you're going to end up scrapping this version and completely rewritting it. Why? Because I wasn't even going line by line this time and would suggest it. If I did go line by line, it would end up being your concept story, my writing.

Here, have some notes that will be useful:

1. Grammar, you abuse ellipses and quotation marks. You almost never use commas. You don't know how to write thoughts. You are so repetative with Discord. First, ellipses are for long pauses most of the time, and most of the time, commas would do. Second, Quotation marks, when you finish one sentence of dialogue and launch into another, you don't need to use another set of quotation marks. Your comma usage is so little, I would suggest googling how to use them. You can read a sentence outloud and usually tell where the pause is, place a comma there. Though, that isn't a sure-fire way to catch them all. Thoughts, they are written in italics and you don't need to tell us that X character is thinking. Place an action right afterwards to show the mood. Repetative words, don't get in the habit of doing this: Discord did X. Discord said Y. You can use he, she, it, etc... to aviod repeating the same word over and over. (Using Discord's name once per paragraph is enough.)

2. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, I noticed very little of it so far, but be wary. Do not get in the habit of using mane/coat colour, race, or specific traits to tell us who's doing what. Yes, we know what Twilight looks like, yes we know that Pinkie Pie is the pink party pony, etc...

3. Tense issues, you slip some words in that are present tense (I.E. Discord decided he will first see how good his creation is...) when they should be past tense.

4. You ask the reader questions, or point out things as if you want to make sure the reader is catching an obvious fact. Don't do this. The reader is not in the story. Most of the time, you can rephrase a question so the character is asking themselves or somepony else that's in the scene.

5. You recite history at us. This is history we know. We know that Celestia and Luna defeted Discord once, we know that the Elements of Harmony defeted him again. Perhaps open up with him actually doing something to show that he's bored. Just don't open up with him discovering he has magic, save that for a tiny bit later.

Err... As this is your first fiction, I would suggest you take it a chapter at a time. I have no idea what the concept is going to be yet, the first chapter didn't really reveal that, and neither did the synopsis. I feel like this is a story about a person telling a story. You made it hard to read with all the side notes you made. Also, that allusion to the biblical creation of Earth... You may not have intended it to be, or you may not have noticed, but it is. You might want to rethink that little section.

My suggestion is that you scrap the entire chapter and rewrite it. This may sound cruel, but I think we all need something like this at some point in time. However, don't give up. Just get back up and try again.
>> No. 87342

So, the review is short. Well, you have a short story, so here:

chapter 1:

> Here is a quick rundown...
Colon after rundown, not ellipse. It is a scene change, so you could use a line break, but because this is a journal, the way you have it does add a bit of realism to it.

> I awoke on the hard asphalt of an alley.
If this were an actual journal, I'd probably be more liekly to write 'I woke up...' However, this is your story, so you make that final call.

> I had just gone to bed, at my home
No comma after bed.

> Raleigh, NC.
Not everyone is familiar with U.S.A geography. It'd be less confusing if you just spelled out North Carolina. (Also, you spelled out California a paragraph back.)

> be a dream, and was waiting
No comma after dream.

> I had a tank; let alone
Comma, not semi-colon.

> was (and is) a mystery.
Perhaps: still a mystery to me.

> My tail is brown, and, as I was to later find out, my mane is brown with a dark green stripe.
Perhaps this should go right after the general description of yourself? It should go general (General colour), semigeneral (Mane and Tail colour, though I'm just going to point out, tail colour usually corresponds with mane colour.), specifics. (Cutie mark, other marks)

> rather tall; perhaps the size
Comma, not a semi-colon.

> I lucked out, and found myself
Delete that comma.

> Then, I played some music.
With what? Does he play the nose flute?

> Turns out, a basic understanding of physics gives you a leg up on most unicorns.
Random sentence is random. A basic understanding of physics gives you a leg up in what? How does this help him at this point in time?

> To me, at least, grass tastes
You could delete at least.

> with western style toilets, no less
No comma after toilets.

> (I expected Japanese style squat toilets; much easier for ponies to use.)
This comes right after the semi-colon, but you don't actually finish the previous part with anything. You have to have him do something after that semi-colon.

> I gathered more bits, and wrapped them all up in a discarded sandwich wrapper.
Perhaps: I gathered more bits and then wrapped them all up in a discarded sandwich wrapper.

> That means I've got time to get to Poniville and integrate myself into the community.
He just accepts his fate? He doesn't challenge anything? Also, one, Ponyville. Two, indent this paragraph.

> When it comes to disaster, all roads lead to Poniville.
How does he know this? As far as we know, he doesn't watch the show and he knows nothing about Equestria, except for what's outlined here.

chapter 2:

> Busking is boring, but profitable.
I tend to stay away from slang, like busking, and use more common terms for what's going on.

> by a tyrannical Celestia.
If you're going to go the 'Tyrannical Celestia' route, you need to mark this as Alternate Universe. The ponies in the show love her.

> the whitest people imaginable.
... I... I would honestly replace this with something less racey.

Some things of note:

1. Grammar, you seem to use the semi-colon a lot. I am no expert in using them, but I'd still double check to make sure you're using them correctly. You had a few commas that were out of place, but nothing major.

You have your character do plenty, but you don't show us it. I.E. You have him listening to gossip, but what is he hearing? Okay, he hears that Celestia is tyrannical, but what about it? Stuff like that could be expanded upon.

It has the potential to be an interesting read, but you aren't really hooking anyone in. It's a pretty standard 'human wakes up in Equestria' hook.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 87354
Thanks for review....boy I was hoping I did little better. Should I recycle whole story? Also Do you know about anyone who could help me? Someone whom I could send story as I would write it so he could help me stay on the right path? Until I will adapt one of the better writing styles as my own?
>> No. 87392
Hello there. If you could look at this, it would be great. If that's ok with you. It's already been mostly proofread, so I'm looking more for general points than a line-by-line.

My main concern is the language. I've tried to write it in the style of the old Biggles books, but I'm slightly worried it could be hard to understand.

All the best!

Title: Daring-Do and the Cruise of the Celestia
Author: CloudCover
A plea for aid from Daring's Aunt, Brighteyes, leads her and her companions into an expedition into the mysterious jungles of the south.
Aerial combat, exciting escapes and stiff upper lips included.
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mdGS1tIEaTuXpxDuTsRqIVpXnDg7Tud0oTfmE24EN6M/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Zq_PZXMGRHmQ2BNs2iWSs9Dur67OYE8N0mFtp-x1pxk/edit
>> No. 87797
File 133052510228.png - (51.66KB , 550x400 , TS Flip.png )

Cloppity clop clop. This reeks of it. I'm surprised that's not the only mentioned reason pre-readers turned it down. In fact, I'm surprised that they didn't mention it at all. Anyways, have the review:

Chaper 1:

> Rainbow Dash was doing her favorite thing, flying
That's almost a given. I, personally, would delete it.

> As the cyan pegasus
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Using mane/coat colour, specific trait, race of pony, etc... to describe who's doing what. Don't come down with it. You can maybe get away with it once, choose wisely where you place it. Perhaps: soaring quickly and gracefully through the skies... (You don't need to specify who. RD is the only pony in the scene right now.)

> "Rainbow Dash, I don't even..."
Don't end a paragraph, or in this case, a line, in an ellipse. Whoever is speaking here was cut off, use an Em Dash (alt+0151)(—)

> that was all that Rainbow Dash needed to hear.
Had needed to hear.

> in the Ponyville library, shattering it,
I don't think the library actually has window panes on any of the levels we'd find Twilight normally. Though, there are shutters.

> Rainbow flew faster and faster and her sorrow
Delete the second 'and' and place a comma after the second faster.

> "Stupid Twilight,"
Thoughts are in italics. Also, don't tell us that she thought it, show us! The italics will do the telling. Perhaps: Stupid Twilight. Dash shook her head bitterly.

> Rainbow debated in her own mind
Again, don't tell, show us! Perhaps move this to the beginning of the paragraph and change to: However, a small corner of her mind protested the accusations.

One does not simply put noise into a story like this. Show us the crack. Perhaps: In a sudden crack, the sound barrier broke. She had done it! The third ever sonic rainboom...

> and it was completely by accident!
Ya, she tends to do that. As far as we know, they were all unintentional.

> Rainbow Dash's mind was overtaken with thoughts of what occurred moments ago.
Overtake is kind of a kink in the flow of this sentence. Perhaps: However, RD's mind quickly returned to the events that had occured not to long ago. (Moments ago was her just pulling a sonic rainboom, not long ago could refer to Twilight's 'rejection')

> Twilight Sparkle, the greatest pony in all of Equestria
Bam! Sentence out of nowhere that serves no purpose where it is. Perhaps: Her mind was distracted by Twilight, the greatest pony... Rainbow Dash was so lost in her thoughts that she quickly lost altitude.

> Wings out. Lean back. Pull up.
All those periods can be commas with the exception of the one after pull up.

> Everything was in slow motion, and mere seconds
If you want to keep the comma, delete and. Otherwise, delete the comma.

> **********
Make sure this is centered and there's an even amount of returns above and below it.

> the size of Town Hall, if not larger.
Okay, sure, she was going fast. However, the show is pretty confusing at this point. She can nuke a barn without harm, but a simple crash breaks her wing. I guess this is okay, but I'd make the crater smaller.

> The sound of silent was extremely prevalent.

> She looked up and saw a rainbow colored mushroom cloud slowly dispersing above the crater.
You seem to have misplaced this sentence. It should go back with the rest of her observations. That would mean when you start talking about her experiencing this before, you would make a new paragraph.

> All was silent for a small moment
You've already told us this. Find another way to tell us that a strange noise suddenly breaks the silence.

> the wind generated from the crash
Okay, what we know: She was flying (Windy or not already is unknown), she crashes, she is knocked out for an undisclosed amount of time, but we know it wasn't that long. Due to her blacking out, we can safely assume it's probably for long enough that the wind would die down.

> The pegasus thought about asking Twilight how she knew to teleport
One, LuS. Two, she just crashed head on into a tree, how is she able to form a rational thought like this?

> asked an obviously concerned Twilight.
Perhaps: Twilight galloped over to Dash, the concern clear on her face.

> being courteous or not,
That comma is a period.

> I was going to tell you..."
Again, for inturruptions, use the Em Dash.

> she didn't think that she could get that far
Why? Are her wings too sore? Broken? Does she think Twilight would just grab her?

> who was now sitting in the crater next to Rainbow Dash, blushing an extremely bright shade of red.
If you follow one of my suggestions above, she'll already be in the crater. If you do follow it, then go ahead and delete this. (Except for the whole blushing part.)

> asked a sniffling and angry Rainbow Dash with a voice crack
Her voice naturally cracks, you could drop that part. As for the 'asked a sniffling...' part, perhaps: Rainbow Dash sniffled angerily as she...

> than a sonic rainboom, hay it
Period after rainboom, comma after hay.

> Rainbow Dash started kissing back
You mean... she returned the kiss.

> to never end. But after what
Comma after end, but...

> Both of them just contently smiled in a loving hug
Yes, people generally smile after a kiss like that. Drop the mention of smiling. Perhaps: Both of them were content to hold eachother lovingly and stare lustfully into eacher other's eyes. (Eep! I'd even get rid of lustfully, that's a little too fast for this story. Save lust for later chapters.)

> back to the library to fix you up
Not the... hospital? RD just flew at mach speeds into a tree...

> I bet that's not all you want to fix up back at the library!
Eep! Too fast! TOO FAST! Clop alert! ABANDON SHIP!!! *Jumps overboard and promptly drowns because he can't swim* (*Hint, save any implications of clop for way later chapters.)

> Rainbow Dash stood up, only to find that hear body ached from her hooves to ears.
Hear her body. Also, perhaps she notices this when she, you know, tries to brush this off in the first place?

> wow Twilight, I didn't know you were such a naughty girl!
I'm not gonna lie. You are taking this way to fast and I seriously considered just dropping the story here and now. SLOW DOWN!

> as she bumped Twilight's flank once again, which this time caused
One, she's really hurting, why is she going to bump flanks again? Two, delete 'this time.'

Again, don't write in sound like this. Perhaps: A crack resonated through AJ's room and she shot straight out of bed, startled.

> another sonic rainboom!
Over excited AJ repeats herself?

> is that GORGEOUS flank of yours back in this bed right now!
One, if you want to draw attention to a word, don't use all caps, use italics. Two, you'd better provide context for AJ and Rarity to be in bed together already.

> some events transpired between the two of them that neither can honestly remember
The cider wasn't alcoholic... Perhaps it seemed like forever ago.

>famished anyway... and I can tell
That ellipse can be deleted.

> said Rarity as she fell back into Applejack's arms.
AJ isn't human. Fell into her forelegs would be more appropriate.

> so much pie to eat last night!
Horrible clop pun is horrible.

> snapped Applejack.
Jeeze, what crawled up AJ's flank and died? She goes from saucy to bitch in 10 seconds flat.

> "How the hay do Ah put up with ya Rarity?"
This whole line would go back up with AJ smiling.

> (which there sure were a lot of)
Delete this, we know there's a huge difference.

> There was something special about when she said it to Applejack.
You repeat yourself. You already told us that AJ feels like it's special.

> jawed Applejack.
Jawed is a word one uses when someone is speaking and just, won't, stop...

> "Ya?" the other pony inquired
Yeah vs. ya.

> The two mares slowly made out of Rarity's boutique
They were at SAA at the beginning of this section. Magic!

> -To Be Continued-
Delete this. We know it's to be continued, this only served a purpose when this was the only chapter.

Some things of note:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, specific trait, pony race, etc... to tell us who's doing what. You have a major case of it. Yes, we know that RD is a cyan mare. We know that Twilight is a unicorn. We know that AJ is that other mare. Using she/her/etc... won't kill you. Also, you get into a habit of repeating names in the same paragraph. Once is enough per paragraph.

2. Suddenly, near clop and then clop out of nowhere! You take it way to fast for a shipping story trying to make it on EqD. Slow down and develope a relationship, save the clop for the end. Or in this case, implied clop. EqD won't take a clop story.

3. Said, said, said. You fall into a habit of adding a speech tag everytime somepony speaks. The quotation marks tell us as much. Most of the time [dialogue][action] does it. Show us how they said it, don't tell us. ("Of course I'm okay," RD sarcastically said. Vs. "Of course I'm okay." RD rolled her eyes. "Why wouldn't I?")

4. Almost all your characters are OOC. Twilight wouldn't be immediate saucy, RD wouldn't just get up and shake off a crash at mach speeds, AJ and Rarity are just in bed with barely any context. And no, telling me that they blacked out after a party isn't enough. That's a very poor excuse. That's a 'I want to watch AJ and Rarity buck eachother without any real reason' reason. You need to SLOW DOWN and take the time to actually develope relationships. It's fine that you open up with AJ and Rarity in bed, but you better do something to show proper developement.

5. Thoughts go in italics.

You have a very nice story here... if you're trying to write a clop fic. There is no way EqD would take this as is. You need to slow down and take the time to develope relationships. Also, you might want to rewrite the AJxRarity scene to include no clop. Once you do this, I want you to come back with chapter 1, and chapter one only, for me to review.

Don't get me wrong, the concept is great and I don't want you to give up on this, but it needs a lot of work in chapter 1. As such, I'm going to stop here and await a rewrite of the said chapter. Then, and only then, will I review the rest. (Provided you don't get as cloppy as the first chapter.) Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 87857
File 133055258457.png - (732.26KB , 1280x1097 , Discord 3.png )
>>86857 - Do you still need a review? I saw that someone claimed your story on the training grounds.

>>87015 - Will get back to you as soon as I hear from Josh. (Double check to make sure I have access, please.)

>>87231 - I can't wait! Will get to you soon.

>>87392 - Soon... soon

I'm kinda feeling like Discord today. How exquisite.
>> No. 87868
File 133055553258.png - (155.77KB , 640x360 , 1329462959667.png )
A note about Josh. His story was reviewed in samuraianon's thread, is in mine, and the Training Grounds.
>> No. 87874
No he didn't, the samurai reviewed another story for him.
>> No. 87928

You got access, don't worry. GDocs was being finicky, and now it isn't...
>> No. 87960
File 133057012939.jpg - (240.78KB , 1800x1013 , 130566815386.jpg )
Looking through your thread, It seems you really have a knack for helping us writers to perfect our stories, Jmozziel. I was hoping you could give a look at what I have been working on. I sent it over to EQD, but the reviewer only read the prologue and first chapter, and I was hoping you could give me a more complete review.

Title: The Host War: Part 1 (P-3)
Description: It has been two years since the return and subsequent defeat of Discord, and the Heroes of Harmony have had many adventures in friendship since then. Everything in Ponyville seems quite normal, until Twilight Sparkle receives a strange letter from Celestia. Now, an ancient force descend upon Equestria and the world, and the lives these little ponies know is about to collapse.
Tags: [Adventure][Fantasy][Grimdark]

It has quite a bit of violence in the third chapter, and some pony death, but no gore really. I have planned for this story to be a long one, and these first few chapters have some allusions and questions that will be answered in upcoming parts, so they may not make sense at this time. Please don't hold that against it.

Host War: Part 1: [link]https://docs.google.com/document/d/17WxitPLJHq0COoNKpx2d_h9tL3aCoaglBdc7ZxbI8Ag/edit[/link]
>> No. 87962
File 133057042037.jpg - (152.12KB , 1920x1080 , Welcome to the Internet.jpg )
Whoops. sorry bout the [link], heh. Haven't posted on a board for a long time.
>> No. 88010
Thank you for the review! I can see, however, that I have some things to explain

First of all, with the issue of rushing into relationships, my goal of the story was and still is not to really build relationships, but to tell the story of what happens after the relationships are already established. Maybe Twilight and Rainbow's relationship should have already been established like Rarity and AJ's but it's really too late for that now as my first 3 chapters revolve around Twilight and RD's relationship being new, some have to work with what I have.

With the issue of it being "cloppy," you were right, some scenes were unnecessarily saucy, but the main reason for the suggestive comments between AJ and Rarity was to establish that they have been a long enough of a relationship that they are comfortable saying those kind of things. In the Twilight and Rainbow Dash scene, the saucy language was more joking than anything. I have turned down the ammount of clop (or implied clop) and clarified when it should be taken as a joke.

I have not changed the term "CRACK!" as its primary purpose as giving the reader a sense of when the Rarity x AJ scene happens in relation to the Twilight x RD scene, but if you think it is a must change, I'm not completely opposed to the idea.

I did do heavy editing to the 1st chapter (it's amazing what you can do in 2 1/2 hours with enough determination), but I haven't started the other chapters yet, so if you want, you can re-review the first chapter or hold off to do it with the other three chapters when I finish editing them, your call. Please do hold off on the other three as there is not necessarily more clop, but about the same ammount of it, also my LuS gets much worse!

I'll post again when I finish up the other chapters. Thanks again!
>> No. 88077

Holy... as soon as I saw that title, it reminded me I should return to working on the rewrite of Neutral Ground. (It has a war in the past called the Host War. Probably much different than your idea.)
>> No. 88107
File 133061716711.gif - (162.12KB , 184x156 , Gummy party hard.gif )
Oh really? I'm not very good with titles, and in the beginning it was going to be something generic like Invasion Equestria, which is already taken, of course. Had to rethink it for a while.
>> No. 88153

Review in doc and significantly smaller then usual.

Some things of note:

1. Those commas, you are abusing the poor things. I suspect that you need to proof read outloud to catch the unnecessary commas.

2. Some formatting issues still. Some paragraphs are either too close to another paragraph (Add another space inbetween the two.) Or they're too far from another paragraph. (They should be joined with the previous or next paragraph.)

Also, remember, new idea, new speaker, new character, new paragraph.

3. The agents are getting better, but I still honestly think that they're acting too stupid at points. I.E. When the SWAT team breaks in with as much noise as possible. Perhaps they sneak in but just as they are about to shoot Victor, his sister snorts or something, causing him to turn around. He see's the SWAT, everyone freezes in that moment where everyone is unsure what to do, Victor is first to recover and kicks out the window, jumps, escapes.

You are close, I can almost feel it!
>> No. 88206

Comments in doc.

Some final thoughts:

1. You ask the reader so many questions! Don't do that! The reader isn't in the story. Most of the time, the question should be written as a thought directed at the pony thinking it. I think there's one point in which Pip could ask the question outloud and I point that out.

2. Davy Jones was a pirate. I don't think that's a good name for the captain of an honest ship. At the very least, you need to ponyify it.

3. Descriptions! Emotions! This chapter lacks them. Describe the sea when Pip finally has the time to do so. Describe better how any of the ponies would react to situations! MORE, MORE, MORE!

4. Both Pip and Starla are way too trusting of each other. Sow some conflict! Have them not trust each other, but maybe the find a temporary peace.

5. Right in the second section you have Pip see Starla. He just kind of shrugs his shoulders and decides that he needs to help her. Well helping may be in his character, he would not just shrug his shoulders. He would wonder why there were still ponies on a ship that was supposed to be empty. He would be more cautious. He might try to wake her first to get an explanation. He might take her directly to the brig and then make her comfortable. Again, he would not just shrug his shoulders like 'Meh'.

You have the skeleton of a chapter. You need to put some meat and muscle on it now. Other than that, it has the makings of a good chapter. I can't wait to see the revision.
>> No. 88217

Valid points, man. Thanks. I've been busy for a bit now, but my CAD course is now over and done with. I'm glad that it's getting closer.

I didn't want to mention it before, but I actually hate secret organizations. Earthside was partially me taking a crack at them. And yes, I do mean I HATE them.

With a passion.
>> No. 88223

Also, I'm having a LOT of problems with GDocs right now. It won't let me access my own document.
>> No. 88237
Wow... Thanks for the review. I didn't think I had so many contradictions in the chapter. Thanks for pointing them out.
>> No. 88331
Could I get a review, please? I'd like some feedback as to whether the idea has any potential or not, and I think Chapter 2 is a bit clunky.

Title: Doubled Quintessence (a mouthful, I know, and I'm seriously considering a title change in the near future.)

Synopsis: Dreams are dreams are dreams. Right? Nothing more. Right? So why are six wildly different women having the same recurring dreams?

Meanwhile, in Equestria, trouble is brewing. Celestia's most faithful student is worried sick. Her mentor's replies are growing shorter and terser by the day - and, what's worse, the sunrise times are fluctuating wildly. Animals are going mad and even Spike is affected.

What is wrong with the princess? Can Twilight and her five very best friends help? And will six Elements of Harmony be enough this time?

Tags: [Adventure] [Human] [Slice of Life] [Psychological Journey] [Long, Convoluted Planning]

This IS a HiE fic, but it involves humanized versions of the Mane 6. I don't know, has that been done before? I'm sure it must have been somewhere, but I don't read a significant amount of fanfiction. Any similarities to anything else are entirely coincidental. (And yes, the dreams thing has been done to death, I know.)

Anyway, there will be no pony/human shipping (because ew. Also because they're the same person...which would make it what, selfcest? Convoluted masturbation? OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT.). There will be a big, overarching plot, though, as set up in Chapter 2.


Aaaaand the gdocs link, if that's your preferred format.


Chapter 2 is only on gdocs, because I don't think it's quite ready to put on FimFiction yet.


I think that's about it... And a thousand apologies if your queue is closed! I always seem to miss those posts.
>> No. 88390


Alrighty, I've edited the story, with an emphasis on turning down the clop. I tried to touch on all of your main points in your review. Thanks again!
>> No. 88468
File 133075746809.jpg - (222.26KB , 1500x1087 , dear_princess_celestia___cover_by_2snacks-d4qhpw1.jpg )
(Derp...let's try this again...)

Hi there! I'd appreciate it if you'd look at my fanfic. It's called "Dear Princess Celestia," and its a story about Fluttershy and her family, told from the perspective of "April Showers" (Called "Parasol" elsewhere), her older sister.

Here's the link:

I'd primarily like you to look for problems with the story; I'm going to try and give it to another reviewer from grammar and stuff. I've enabled comments so you can give your feedback on the file itself if you prefer.

>> No. 88474
Tags, if you need them:
>> No. 88506

I'm not falling behind or getting lazy, I swear.
>> No. 88511
File 133078596921.jpg - (922.72KB , 952x1218 , img139.jpg )

A small disclaimer before we start. This is based on the setting the TCB writer Chatoyance has set up, and I have decided to use the setting to set up an hypothetical idea.

This story has no Ponies in it, it is merely based on a What If scenario that I plan on working in the future. If you wish to reject this outright simply on that merit, I have no objections. I will simply inform you that 1) This is a one shot 4K word fic and 2) It is merely the setting up point for the multi parter fic. I have also posted this on other reviewer threads too, just in case.

[Title]: Non-TCB:Post Corp
[Tags}: What If, Chatoyance, Non-TCB
It started with a lie. It was a small lie, but tell a lie long enough and it suddenly becomes the truth.

Lets say that Equestria didn't have the chance to start the plans of conversions. Lets say that the use of one experimental weapon on the barrier, did something so Equestria disappears. Lets say that during the midst of rage from the corporate world, a lie was told. It was a small lie, but tell a lie long enough and it is bound to become the truth.

But history does not ask, if he who writes it, is telling the truth. There are facts and there are voices. The fact was that a new land of full of resources waiting to be harvested, disappeared after a new weapon was used on it. The corporate voice said that it was the fault of one person.

And it started with a small lie.

[Links] PROLOGUE:https://docs.google.com/document/d/12b__SZ6nhfQzO6qIbzbbHh-EqbRpqfHI4woVFFajvow/edit

TEN YEARS AFTER:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gNAFhhC4yKqNG-CiaCX0lAS1f8DzDleISThjiGZV0F8/edit

Thank you for your time.

With regards
>> No. 88616
File 133083246153.gif - (2.03MB , 788x535 , so_much_studying.gif )

S'alright with me. I can understand how working so many reviews in to real life could take some time.
>> No. 88626
First ^ you may see that I've decided to return to just being plain old me. Second, I've done edits on Part 2. Here.

>> No. 88678
I managed to mix up the gdocs links. What I said is Chapter 2 is actually Chapter 1 and vice versa. Clever me...

Anyway, it should be made abundantly clear by the titles, but I thought I should clarify again anyways.

Oh, and take as long as you need with the review - real life does take time, after all.
>> No. 88728

Review of chapter 1 only running in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You use the thesaurus way too often. It's like you took one and beat your story senseless with it. Okay, I respect the fact that you don't want to just use the regular words, but seriously... context is everything. Just because two words have the same meaning, doesn't mean they're interchangeable. I.E. You use junction at one point in time to mean at a point in the conversation. Typically, junction is a traveler's term to mean a crossroads or choice in paths. You would use point there.

2. You are in the nasty habit of writing he said, she said, she said. The quotation marks will tell us as much and the punctuation even goes a little ways to telling us how it was said. Often times, you can drop the speech tag and have the character do something that shows how they spoke.

3. Plot hole: You have Brighteyes say that the house is under siege. Well, the enemy isn't doing a very good job. Daring Do and Bucks fly in and it's obvious when they do, yet they only run into one pony.

4. Brighteyes is really dialogue heavy. Not only that, she takes time to describe every... bucking... little... thing. Then to top that off, she tells the same story twice, just in greater detail the second time. Didn't she say she didn't have time to tell the full story at that point?

5. Missing words, dashes, and commas oh my! All those dashes should be commas. I don't even know why you're using dashes as commas to begin with. Those commas on the other hoof aren't too bad, but you still miss a few or add them in where they shouldn't be.

6. Purple everywhere. You are overly descriptive. That's not good. We don't need to know every little piece of terrain, we don't need a detailed description of Daring Do (We know what she looks like from the show, a basic description will do). You even go as far as to try and give us a general age for all the characters when the only character we'd really need that for is perhaps Brighteyes.

What you have here is a concept and world building via dialogue. This is not good at all. You are writing about the Indiana Jones of MLP for god's sake! Act like it! They need to do things, action needs to happen! You don't need to have a character tell us about the creatures. Instead of that, have them escape from the house and get to Coltumbia. Then show us the creatures. You would lose so many readers after the first and only bit of action in chapter 1. I know you lost me, hence why there doesn't appear to be lots of comments. This is going to need a lot of work before you come back for another review.

Oh ya, you didn't proof read. I can tell because it's painfully obvious. I will not continue on until you do so to catch those small stupid mistakes like not capitalizing I. It's also suggested you rewrite chapter 1 at the very least (if not both chapters) before coming back.

I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up because one person told you your story is off to a bad start. Keep writing my friend and become the best you can be!
>> No. 88745
Dayum. Yep, you're right. I'll go through chapter 2 thoroughly, and the rest of chapter 1, get rid of stupid grammar and purple,and tell you when they're ready. 2 is a lot more action focused, so if you could tell me what you think of it, then I could slice up chapter 1 and put it in the actual story. If that's alright.

Thanks for the review, seems like I needed it.
>> No. 88748

Just realized that your doc doesn't allow comments. If I could get those enabled, that would be great. If that doesn't happen before tonight, I suppose I could do it the slower, paste copy way.
>> No. 88750
It's been changed, you can now comment.
>> No. 88772

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LuS). You have it. It's advised against using mane/coat colour, specific trait of a pony, race of a pony to tell us who's doing what. Often, he/she/his/her/etc... works just fine. We know that Twilight is a unicorn. We know that she's lavender. Stuff like that.

2. You fall into a pattern of she said, she said, she said type of dialogue. The quotation marks tell us that somepony is speaking. Often, you can do away with the speech tag and replace it with the speaker doing something that would show us how s/he is acting/saying things.

3. Those dashes. Often times, a comma would work. But you also use them when an em dash or an ellipse would work. I pointed out a good chunk of them, but you'll have to fix the rest yourself.

4. You have a case of missing word syndrome. Your brain completes the sentence as you write. Unfortunately, your brain doesn't need all the words in a sentence to make it sound coherent, thus words are forgotten. Your readers will thank you if the sentence is already completed for them.

5. Travel, both Twilight and Celestia can teleport pretty well over long distances, yet you have them running almost everywhere. I can see why it's important to the story, but it's a tad unrealistic unless you give a good reason for being unable to just simply teleport to the castle. Perhaps the storm is interfering with their magic and they can't use magic over X distance. (This number would vary from pony to pony. I.E. A pony like Snips and Snails may not be able to use their magic at all well Celestia and Luna may be able to teleport with effort.)


Congratulations, you've caught my interest and I want to read more. Aside from some missed or misused commas and some extra spaces (Aside from what I mentioned here or in doc) you've done really well. I really enjoyed reading the small fight scenes and following the run through Canterlot. I may be able to pick up some tips and work them into my story. The only thing that disturbs me? Celestia said run and both Luna and Twilight didn't question it, even as they watched Ballor capture Celestia. And force her to sacrifice herself when there were still options left to her. One such would be starting a slow chain reaction and casting a spell to temporarily slow Ballor, thus allowing herself to escape. Since you haven't written the other chapters, it's still a viable path to take. I don't like the way Celestia dies, can you tell?

Keep writing my good friend! You cannot possibly write fast enough to sate my thirst for more!
>> No. 88795
Hi Jmozziel. Here is the prologue and chapter 1 of my fic Beyond the sun. I was very much hoping for you to review the flow and plot of it to make sure it makes sense and is good.

Title: ” Beyond the Sun”
Synopsis: Having been born on a shuttlecraft Night Flare has never truly felt like anyplace is home. After meeting an adventurous earth pony named Star Spirit and a shy know-it-all unicorn filly named Starlight Sparkle they uncover a plot by the Radicorn Corporation that effects all pony-kind in the galaxy.
Tags: Sci-Fi, Grimdark, Adventure


Chapter 1: "Humble Beginnings"

I was also hoping you could refer me to a Grammatical reviewer seeing as you said you arent very proficient in that kind of stuff.
>> No. 88804
Thanks again for the review, Lunar. Good luck with your own story!
>> No. 89024
File 133099407606.png - (155.77KB , 640x360 , 1329462959667.png )
>Hey dude, just a heads up. After an incredibly biased review from another reviewer (Biased against the genre Earthside is written in), I'm sticking with you from now on.
Why hello there. Did I mention I like to read review threads? It helps me learn things. Now, I think you misunderstand my bias. It doesn't impact my criticisms, those are all valid and unaffected. The only thing that is biased is how much I enjoy it. However, apparently that compartmentalization is something hyper-complex.

>won't let it come through when reviewing.
This implies I let it come through. I can guarantee you that I did not. Objectivity is a magical thing, and is found when one has to justify their criticisms.

Now, that is the end of it. I am saging this post because Lunar asked me to. If you wish to complain about me more, I suggest you do so to me, not to others.
>> No. 89320

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Dashes and ellipses. You abuse both. You use dashes where periods or commas would go. It's like you got tired of commas and periods and said, "I think I'll use a dash to spice things up here." No... please don't. As for ellipses, they're for longer pauses in dialogue or paragraphs, and never at the end of either. Most of the times, a comma would do best, or even nothing. Also, put a space after the ellipse... as such.

2. You ask questions to the reader, both rhetorical and otherwise. Don't do it! I am not a character in your story and most of the time, the question could be written to have a more reasonable target, such as the pony who would be asking it (in thought form) or to another pony (in dialogue).

3. You have a bunch of one to three word sentences. You could easily combine them with the previous or next sentence. Figure out which it is and do so.

4. You seem to want to use capitalize all the letters in a word to draw attention to it or show volume. Don't, what you write next or putting it in italics will do that just as well.

5. You have some formatting issues. One is too many spaces between words and the other is too many returns between paragraphs. It's one return (Space) between paragraphs. (By that, I mean one empty line.)

6. You shift from 2nd person perspective in the first chapter to 3rd person omniscient. Pick one or the other and stick with it. Personally, I would recommend 3rd person limited for both chapters. (Meaning, one PoV per section. We would know everything thought or done by one character and one character only. We would only see what that character could see, hear, touch, etc...)

7. Fan Fiction vs. TV. This is an issue you seem to suffer from. You have Pinkie Pie breaking the fourth wall a lot during her narration. I do recognize that she can do this... in the show. Not in a story unless it's comedy. Why you ask? It's added into the show specifically for a comedy spin and they can actually show it. You can't show Pinkie Pie squishing into a bread box or stopping mid-air. There are some things that need visuals and breaking the fourth wall is one of them. Don't get me wrong, there are stories where this can happen and is done well, but most of those stories are written specifically to do so. You mention it in passing, so it kinda flops to the ground and reminds me of a fish on the bottom of a boat.

8. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, specific trait of a pony, race or type of pony to describe who's doing what. Yes, we know Twilight is a unicorn. Yes, we know that Twilight is a lavender colour. You get the idea. It's like stating the obvious when you shouldn't have to. Use he/she/his/her/etc... It's okay, we won't chew you apart for using those words.

I strongly recommend that you switch chapter order. I think you would do much better hooking an audience by having ponies first, then humans.

You have barely enough happening to keep me interested, but only because of the second chapter. The first chapter? Almost nothing happen except establish that the human mirrors of the mane six are having similar dreams. You don't even do a whole lot to develop each character. You try to fly by on the fact that they are almost exact mirrors of the mane six. You're going to need to work hard to develop them the next time they appear.

You have an interesting concept, but you're falling short of what this could be.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 89349
File 133109217702.jpg - (152.69KB , 1800x1350 , sharky.jpg )
How fortunate that you wised up and apologized for this and previous posts; I was all set to give your story an utterly soul-crushing review.

Maybe next time.
>> No. 89414
Thank you for the feedback! Overall it was pretty on-target, and I appreciate your perspective. Re-reading it with your comments, I can definitely see a lot of areas for improvement.

Incidentally, the perspective switch was intentional, but I can see how it would be confusing. I'll see what I can do to make it less so, and I agree that third person limited for Chapter Two seems like a better choice. I'll try a chapter switch, too, and see where it gets me.

I know the second chapter especially was pretty awful, and the whole thing's going to get a major overhaul thanks to your comments. (I think you started to get really, really sick of it about halfway through, but I appreciate you powering through to the end XD)

Thank you again. Now, off to do a helluva lot of rewriting!
>> No. 89826

I apologize for the third post--this is my first time doing this :)

I previously submitted this story to EqD, and it was rejected. I've since done some heavy editing myself, so some of these criticisms may no longer be valid. Comments in brackets are mine.

Diary styled fics have been doing well on EqD as of late, when they make it through.

List of Issues
1) There are some pretty obvious typos scattered throughout the fic, but it's so long I've not had the ability to mark them. Run through it with a tight comb - some of them aren't even words so a spellcheck should be able to catch them.

2) Some of the areas between diary entries are unmarked and unclear, and it's a jarring take when one day ends well and the next Fluttershy is [SPOILER].

3) I'm aware it's likely explained once before, but in my haste I'm unaware why Skittle is in Canterlot for much of the later years. Referring back to her occupation, be it as a student or employee, from time to time would be nice to keep things more fresh for the readers who have a tendency to skim. Not important, but it's a quick fix.

Suggested Fixes
All in all, this is a long story [~12,000 words], and any and all typos and their ilk can really cause a stumble point for a reader, and ruin whatever tension you've built up by removing the reader from the story.
>> No. 89833
File 133121578861.png - (497.35KB , 539x640 , 141091 - artist corrupteddiscipline derpy_hooves dinky_hooves dress eyepatch.png )
omg liek wow it's finally heeeerrrrr


7 pages of talking, 3 pages of action and a pleasant reminder as of why this is tagged Grimdark, among other things. If this manages to match your expectations from the last chapter, then I will be over the moon. Twice.
>> No. 89857
File 133123800757.jpg - (22.42KB , 261x312 , LunarShadow's Humansona.jpg )

Yay! I'm here! Have a review:

Chapter 1:

> Soaring quickly and gracefully through the skies over Ponyville,
Gracefully is not usually associated with grief and sadness.

> (not to mention the three times before when she chickened out)
Uneeded paranteses.

> and headed for the skies.
That's a little obvious. Where else would she head when flying through a window? Perhaps: ... in the Ponyville library, headed anywhere that would get her away from that place.

> The whole world was still.
The whole world was still? Or it seemed to stop? There's a difference. If the whole world was still, we'd all be flung into space. If it seems to stop, it implies that Dash can't see anything moving, which is what you're trying to do here.

I know, you said you don't want to change this, but I'm going to fight it. Let the audience supply the sound. You don't have to. It's like slapping us in the face and saying, "Make this sound, now!"

> Electricity was shooting throughout her body
Without going into physiology and such (Nerve impulses, heart contractions, etc...) we could say that electricity was not flowing through her, but rather, it felt like electricity was flowing through her.

> Even though the sonic rainboom may have been one of the most amazing moments of her life, Rainbow Dash's mind reflected back to what had occurred moments ago with Twilight.
Perhaps delete this entire section and replace with: However, the feeling only lasted a few moments as her mind turned back to what had occured minutes ago with Twilight.

> her flight school training utterly useless.
Well, not utterly useless. No training is utterly useless, even in a situation like this. It's almost useless.

> Rainbow Dash attempted step one
Shouldn't this go before she finds out that her training is almost useless?

> Dash noticed that she basically had crashed head on with a tree,
If she struck a tree, why is there a crater in the ground also. I mean, she'd have to be going faster than fast to crash into a tree and make a crater the size of a small home.

> Rainbow seemed to sense
New paragraph.

> She had experienced this before
The blacking out, or the silence?

> Rainbow Dash did not have to turn her head to discover what the source of the disruption was, but she did anyway.
So I take it that Twilight could be seen out of the corner of her eye? I would just stick with not mentioning that she didn't have to turn her head and just say that she did.

> the look of concern obvious on her face.
Saying it's obvious is like saying, "She had a concerned look on her face, and Rainbow Dash could see it." Uh, huh. By mentioning it in the first place, it's implied that Rainbow Dash can see it and it's obvious.

> "Tell me what Twilight?" asked Rainbow Dash,
Asked is too bland, too soft for the situation. Yes, the question mark tells us she asked. But how did she ask? Did she yell it? Did she slurr it again? Did say it while dancing?

> Her sorrow, which had recently turned into rage, now made the transformation into a nasty hybrid of the two.
The first part is just slapping us in the face. "Hey! She was angry! Remember?" Perhaps: Her anger boiled over, combining with the sadness to make a nasty hybrid of the two.

> She could not even feel her headache anymore.
It's okay, you can use the contraction of could not.

> that they would her that far,
Hmm? I think you a word there.

> stared lustfully into each other's eyes.
And cue one night stand! I think it's a little to quick for lust at this point.

> asked the unicorn innocently, who was blushing furiously.
I'm gonna play this card as the unicorn could mean any unicorn at all. Snips! What are you doing here? (*Hint* If you didn't get it, I'm referring to Lavender Unicorn Syndrom.)

> and treating sore mussels
Bwhahaha! Oh man... they're going to take care of sore mussels? I think you mean muscles. You were referring to the aquatic animal. Bwhahaha! (Sorry if that came off as dickish, but I seriously did laugh.)

> only to find that hear body
I think hear should be her.

> the book worm would stay stuff like that!"
I think you meant say. Also, there wasn't really anything suggestive about asking for a bath. If I came up to you and said, "Hey, I'm a little bruised up and hurt. Could I take a warm bath once we get back to your place?" (Assume we know eachother and are good friends for the sake of the example.) You would probably think nothing of it other than, "Sure."

> "this is going to be interesting," she thought.
Perspective issues. Don't switch on me like this.

> A purple flash appeared
The flash of a teleportation spell is white.

I'll mention it again, despite your insistance that you're going to keep it. This is like trying to provide the actual sound for us. No, if you write it into the story rather then just putting it there, we'll provide our own noise.

> "Rainbow Dash!" thought Applejack.
Because this isn't in italics, AJ actually said it.

> marefriend
I know a 70 year old guy who uses the term 'women friend'. He uses it to show that it's someone he's seeing, but not in a relationship type of way. I think you want the term 'fillyfriend'.

> may or may not have broken into the Apple family cider cellar
Broken into... what? That's not like either of them. Perhaps: decided to pay the Apple Family cider celler a little visit,...

> The next morning
New Paragraph

> Obviously the two ponies had feelings for one another
Drunken sex doesn't really count as having feelings for one another.

> "He he," laughed Applejack awkwardly
Hehe is one word.

> tell that you are too sweetie."
Comma after too.

> Twi' almost caught us at the library
What? Are they freakin' horney highschool students again? No... Both Rarity and Applejack would show more self-restraint than that.

> "Alright little miss dramatic,
Since you're using Little Miss Dramatic as a proper noun, it should be capitalized.

> I am one of the rising starts in the fashion world
Stars* Also, you used the term marefriend up there again.

> "APPLEJACK!" screamed Rarity.
Don't use all capital letters to draw attention to words. Use italics. (The only possible exception to this rule might be the Royal Canterlotian Voice.)

> (which there sure were a lot of)
Use commas in place of the paranthases.

> "Well you know what they say darling,
If Rarity is using darling in place of somepony's name, it's a proper noun and should be capatilized.

Chapter 2:

> would have been nothing special but after
Comma after special.

> She crinkled herself up in the bath and let out a subtle, but easily noticeable "squee!"
She... crinkled herself up? A plastic bag crinkles, a pony does not. Also, something cannot be both subtle and easily noticeable.

> that Rainbow was talking about
Rainbow Dash hasn't said a thing. She was thinking about Twilight.

> ya well why don't you get over here
Yeah vs. ya. I would go with the first choice.

> justified Twilight.
Twilight wasn't justifying anything.

> Dash nearly objected
Nearly? No, she did object.

> I think about it I don't know how
Comma after it.

> Alright Twi', I'm all ears. Shoot."
Comma after ears.

> grinned Twilight.
One does not grin words. Perhaps she giggled?

> on the verge of violent convulsing
Either 'violently convulsing' or 'violent convulstions'.

> turned her off? What if..."
Don't end with that ellipse. End in a question mark.

> it's been almost ten minutes now?
This isn't a question.

> placed one in front of her cyan colored friend
Okay, you've really started to wander into LuS territory here. Don't think I haven't noticed all those 'the unicorn' points.

> "Oh it was alright..."
One more time and I'm going to have to draw attention to misusing the ellipse.

> "Alright?" protested Twilight
Argument for all right vs. alright. I've been corrected to all right almost everytime I've used alright.

> Twilight's gave revealed a confused look
What? I think you mistyped a word.

> not anything that..."
Yay for thread mentions! Anyways, Twilight cut her off, use an em dash. (Alt+0151)(—)

> possibly the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria
There's no real reason to point this out. She's been speechless before. Now... if she had never been speechless before this, then it would be okay.

> I just want us to take it a little slower
Thank you! And here I thought you were going to just have a 'and then they fucked' story with some side points.

> started passionately kissing her
Never mind... you have until the end of the chapter to redeem yourself.

> Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle were no longer two ponies, they were seamlessly entwined with each other and now only existed as one being.
I thought you said you toned down the clop.

> To the causal passerby
Passbyer. I think even my spelling is a bit off though. You'll want to double check.

> they were secret lovers
I was under the impression from chapter 1 that they were out of the closet.

> "Ah like apples, they taste good,"
I like tur-tles. (I'm just mocking you right here for stating something so obvious.)

> who was now somewhat serious.
By saying 'an honest Applejack' you've already stated this. Delete.

> The front door of Rarity's boutique had suddenly interrupted their stroll.
Awkward phrasing. Rephrase please.

> I love they mane looks when you
I think you derped here.

> She wanted to send kiss even deeper
Who is kiss? And why does Rarity want to send him/her even deeper?

> The white filly stood motionless shock
I'm only ocassionally mentioning LuS because I expect you to find and destroy it with or without my help.

> Exactly what did you see?"
Everything! Great, you scarred SB for life.

> "Well I came home
Comma after well.

> and maybe I would see you there too.
Oh damn... The implications! She really has seen everything!

> Ah don't even... Well I guess Ah
Unless the word is normally capitalized, it shouldn't be after an ellipse.

> and head over to Appleblooms?
What? There are multiple Appleblooms!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh wait, you mean to tell me you just forgot an apostrophy? Okay.

> "Umm ok sis,
Ellipse after Umm.

> declared Applejack simply.
Perhaps declared should be stated?

Some things of note:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: You're fine for about... 2/3rds of the first chapter and then you fall into old habits. Again, watch the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You know why? Because you shouldn't be repeating 'the unicorn' over and over. Yes, we know both Rarity and Twilight are unicorns. We know that Sweetie Belle is a white filly. THings like that need to be fixed with hes/shes/hims/hers/etc....
2. You have a small issue with perspective. You're fine for most of a section and then BAM! Right at the end, you swtich PoVs. Don't do this. Keep it in one Point of view.
3. You begin to abuse ellipses right at the middle of chapter 2. They are not used to end a paragraph. Be mindful of them.
4. Last thing, Marefriend vs. Fillyfriend: Womanfriend (Marefriend) is used moreso when you want people to know that you're seeing someone, but not in a serious relationship. Also note that it would be used by significantly older couplse. Girlfriend (fillyfriend) is used when you want people to know that you're seeing someone in a more serious relationship.

Better, but chapter 2 starts to pick up on the implied clop. If you're still going for EqD, you'll need to turn that down even more. Otherwise, good job.

Sorry about not including the other chapters, but I'm trying to just get things cleaned up in my thread. Poke me sometime with a gdocs version of the other chapters and I'll get on it. (Gdocs versions with comments enabled is significantly faster review wise.)


>>88511 Though, I know you've placed this several other places. If I open the document and see other people's comments, I'm going to close out and wait for you to fix the errors they pointed out. There's no point in me going "mhmm... yup, I agree," over and over.
>> No. 89976
An optional/special request:

I have an original novel in the works as well. I've had it looked by someone, and he's suggested changes, mostly POV issues, resulting in me re-writing the first chapter (and I'm happy with it, too). However, the time span between the original, first chapter and my re-writing is, well, huge, and the characterization's come off different.

In short, I'd like to ask if you could have a look at the re-written chapter, as well as "Chapter 2" which retains the characterization of the original C.1, and give me your thoughts on which is better - which one you like more. Bonus points if you can think like a teenage girl during the process.

Mind, the series itself is a play on the whole teenage novel genre - it features a pretty, Aussie high school girl who gets good grades but dreams a lot, meeting up with a sulky British teen who can wield freezing powers - and the girl is purposefully made soppy. The boy has his own checks and balances a passion for Internet sub-culture being one of them, as well as getting pummeled by bullies because he's bound by honour to not use his ice powers on non-power users to keep him off Sue territory, but he's very likely will come across as one when the fic hits the ground running. It's a risk I'm willing to take.

The re-written chapter is 3k words long, and the to-be-compared chunk is probably half of that. ( didn't save a copy of the original first chapter, so the continuation - C.2 - is all I have to go on.) You don't need to stream-of-consciousness or line-by-line for either; this is just to give you a guess as to how long you might spend reading it. I'll put those on 2 different GDocs, link pending - I haven't done it yet.

I'd be grateful if you'd say yes, but I don't want you going into something you really don't like Caughlin Mare aside, nyuk nyuk nyuk, hence the long explanation, and I can understand perfectly if you say no. You've done so much for my work as it is, and I can't appreciate that enough. So, yeah.
>> No. 89978

Heh, why not. Er... though I'm not sure I can think like a teenage girl though.

Time to defend myself: I've enjoyed every piece of work you've thrown at me! So far... you have yet to disappoint me.
>> No. 90000
Makin' progress. Post for no reason.

Also, dibs on the 90k post. Yipee for me!

Lastly, I'm working... somewhere.
>> No. 90146
File 133136508451.png - (49.50KB , 109x123 , 132166250039s.png )
Here you go!
Re-written C.1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MV7Xys1Su-qGb8LCXRHsUrGk_vIAvWNuqOa1bwuNe2M/edit

Intact C.2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iB665S4YCIkBhDkscqmmXJePNwa5_cPHVeWyNQUOT4A/edit
>> No. 90206

It's here! It's here! After what? Just over a week? It's here!

Anyways, comments in doc.

Some final thoughts:

1. Ellipses and dashes. We'll start with ellipses. They're used for longer pauses, but never at the end of a paragraph. Also, there is a space after them... like so. Those dashes, so many of them when they are either unnecessary or should be commas. Just don't use them as commas.

2. This is a journal, correct? Well, at times, you go a little dialogue heavy. Would a pony really write down an entire conversation in her journal? Probably not. She would probably quote parts of what they said, but overall, it would be a summery of what happened. After all, that is what a journal is. A summery of our life.

3. You capitalize a ton of words that you mean to be part of the name or title of a place. For example, you use 'the Forest' a lot. You shouldn't do this because 'the Forest' is not the name of the Everfree Forest. It's just a generalization of what you mean.

4. At times, you switch from a journal talking about the past to talking in real time. Stop it! If she's writing in the journal, all events are in the past and should be treated as such. It's mostly around the center of the journal, but there are some instances at the end too.

5. When you do switch to real time, you rock back and forth between 3rd person limited and 2nd person. Watch it, keep it one or the other.

You have a cute story here. I'll honestly say that I enjoyed it overall and I'm not one for reading journal entries.

Keep writing my friend!
>> No. 90210

Um... Chaos? I tried to open the docs and it told me that the pages don't exist. Make sure you gave me the correct links, please.
>> No. 90327

Thanks for the feedback. I'm in the process of making some edits now.

One issue that you brought up often in the comments was the timeline: what age they are, how much time has passed, etc. Would it be helpful to insert little reminders ("Last spring, I turned 14") or do you think that might get old after a while?
>> No. 90401

Well, as long as you aren't doing it every entry, you should be fine.

A good guideline might be to do so every time you mention something that happened last spring or whatever. Or if there's a significant hop between journal entries, like the hop between her last entry as a filly and her first entry as a young mare.
>> No. 90431
Thanks again for the review! Here is the next three chapters in G Docs format as requested! Peace!

3- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xMIInaC-oTSeq4P5l9Vp6oImaUTOJlph4cehWaaxLiU/edit#

4- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1icn3n5gFpnR_Bh6eWsAwd5y45e7980_zEG4akQ16Xq4/edit#

5- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rzDnsxRa8JoIh2qgifrjkrhXZkGFwfDP_MDuq-WYbUU/edit#

As for the ammount of clop, it will never turn into a suprise clop fic, don't worry.
>> No. 90460
OK, this is my first story...like, EVER! My first attempt at writing fiction, so please, be brutal, yet gentle. I haven't thought of a tile yet(great start, I know) but here's the synopsis:

Albert Pomeroy, a violent serial killer from Earth finds his was into Equestria as a pony, and sets himself to share his "art" with a world that knows no violence. The authorities and the Mane Six are aided only by Detective Robert Barlow, the man who has been chasing after Pomeroy for years, who stumbled in after him. A lone human in a world of ponies, he must chase down and stop this madman.
It's kind of violent, but I'm aiming to handle it with at least SOME decorum. I'm aiming for a Teen rating when I post it to FIMfiction. Please let me know what you think!

>> No. 90735

Alright, here it is, but it leaves me a bit... Mmm... idk... something. We'll just say that this isn't my favorite chapter. It's good, but not the best.

Chapter 18:

> of what Caughlin guessed to be Ponyville
Or, what was once Ponyville. Still destroyed by razors. Unless it's already been rebuilt... cause I do believe you mentioned something about it not being rebuilt until Granny Smith's time.

> "I've never spent a night in the open air,"
Perhaps: I've never spent a night under the open sky," (I think that is what one says when they intend to sleep outdoors. Open air is something you would say when you get outside for the first time in awhile I do believe. But don't quote me on that.)

> the cool air, the quiet...
Don't end with an ellipse unless you have something directly after it to indicate that she trailed off in speaking.

> dismissed Luna
Perhaps: Luna waved her hoof dismissevly.

> it could take even weeks to get a trace.
Perhaps: It could take days, even weeks to get a trace. (This sounds smoother IMO)

> "Chaos is still happening across the surface of the earth, right?"
Well, as this is a pony fic set in Equestria, I would replace 'the earth' with 'Equestria'.

> carry you as well tomorrow.
And this is Luna implying that she thinks that Caughlin tires out that fast. Hmm... not sure if like or dislike. I know just how much Luna loves Caughlin, but...

> The little device was giving off warmth
If they have this little nifty device, why did they need the fire? Also, the spark dancing across the tip implies magic, which gives off some light. I would imagine that they could charge it just enough to avoid detection, yet give off sufficent light and heat.

> Surprisingly pernickity
I do believe the word is persnickity.

> magic roaring silently around her.
I know what you're going for, but something can't really roar silently. Perhaps: roiled around her?

> all over her body - the aching in
That dash should be a colon.

> her - it was too far to tell - stood
What is it with people and dashes? It's like everyone just got tired of commas and said, "Hmm... dashes look cool." Will talk about them in my thread.

> a unicorn, uncovered horn a deep red.
Add something before uncovered like his or her.

> "You two have been found trailing our party in a suspicious manner.
Thank you Captain Obvious. Perhaps have him talk about how somepony noticed them somehow and reported it. Then mention how it's just protocol. (To lock them up.)

> a vertical component..."
Again, don't end a paragraph (or a line in this case) with an ellipse.

> it became evident that each pegasus was carrying a unicorn.
Passing comment: Don't come any closer or I'll be forced to use my UoMD! (Unicorn of Mass Destructions.)

> For almost one minute, Luna slowly made her way back to the ground.
That's really slow. I mean, insanely slow. They didn't get very far in the first place before the authoritative voice stopped them. So you probably go even lower than nearly a minute.

> They did not even look up as the squadron landed on to the grounds.
Hmm... One of only two alicorns in Equestria is escorted under heavy guard into the camp and that doesn't draw a few curious glances?

> a death glare
Implying that it could actually kill. Perhaps a menencing glare?

> from the alicorn had settled that swiftly.
Don't slide into LuS on me. We know that Luna is an alicorn. Just use her name.

> we've been found. Heh."
I usually go with a comma just before words like heh. But it's your call.

> miss Caughlin."
As he's using 'miss' as part of her title, I do believe it would be capitalized.

> "How about the decageas?" asked Caughlin. "Won't that work?"
Didn't she herself prove that it wouldn't work?

> stopped and pointed.
Heh, you need fingers to point, per say. I just usally use gestured.

> in the ground."
In the ground? Or on the ground?

> Nor do anypony dare to try a frontal assault
Nor does...

> and long claws dug into her sides, making her shout.
The first her at least needs to specifically mention Caughlin.

> as she could muster, to no avail.
If you're going to have that comma there, I would add 'but'.

> they're acting in the exact opposite of their personalities.
Which isn't necessarily to go an kill themselves. Perhaps: They're acting in ways no pony could predict.

> "Ripping out your horn, taking our your characteristic
Woops? Our?

> something new to doand I

> with a mas of midnight blue
Woops! Mass.

> e Celestia battling the spirit
You could say the spirit of chaos, but that would be wandering into LuS territory and so is this. I would just use Discord's name here.

> two figures burst out inexplicably
So there is no explination for as to how or why they burst out?

> she and Discord were the only two left in the trough
And Luna and Celestia. Don't forget. Just because they're technically above it, they're in the vicinity.

> Caughlin floated herself to stay upright.
Perhaps: Caughlin beat her wings to stay upright.

> "Challenge accepted," snorted Luna
So... She's back to Luna? Or is she still NMM?

Some things of note:

1. Those ellipses and dashes. It's the only major issues asides from one or two instances of LuS. Don't end a paragraph with an ellipse. And all those dashes? They could easily be commas and it looks better.


You have one chapter to impress me. This was good, but everything was over just too easily. In fact, I'll take a guess or two at what happens. Celestia and Luna start to drift apart in views and such and then they have their big battle. Or, Discord somehow comes back, but he's sealed away more securaly the second time around.
>> No. 90796
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Thanks for that. I'm going to look hard at those pointers and apply each in turn. It's been a long time since this fic has felt tough love... *prepares sandpaper*

I guess the reasons why it felt too quick are:
1) writing action scenes of a length of more than a page in Word make me uncomfortable, and I didn't want it to drag,
2) it was about *yay* time they got to it,
3) I hadn't pre-planned much of this chapter. The guillotine descriptions and the "tour" were made up as I went along, as well as everything else that happened except for Luna becoming NMM. Perhaps it was the subconscious pressure of not having finished this until after yet another month. =s
4) What I do remember is wanting to set up the Discord battle to be not as climatic as it should - minimal casualties and all that - to enhance the final instance of Grimdark, the God-spell, Ultima, as the climax. You were pretty close in your guess, and whether or not this chapter gets redeemed hangs on the twist factor of the next chapter. So I can't bounce it off you just yet. ^^||

Was it because Discord didn't fight back more, or... I do know that I'm wary of the scenes before the fight - the camp, the discussions, because it felt dry for me - so I doubt that my cure would come from there.

Lastly, any part that you would have liked to see drawn out more?
>> No. 91056

Okay, light review on both chapters. I really liked chapter 1 up until the very end where Alicia immediately is in love. That starts to scream teenage sob story comparable to the "Twilight" Saga in my opinion. Not saying that there aren't stories that could be done well or anything, but... I'm a little biased against them. I would probably only continue reading this for the same reason I forced my way through the "Twilight" Saga. What little action there is. Your story is unfinished, however, and has the potential to have actual action in it and a good amount of it. If you played your hand right, you could keep people enthralled as long as you don't make this 90% teenage sobbing.

Your characters:

The only one I have complaints about is Cross. He comes off as a self-important guy unless Dallos does something to correct him. It makes me sort of hate him... a tiny bit, I swear. And that's fine, but you'll need to work to give us something likable about him.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. I hope they helped. Er... I would really like if you kept the rewritten chapter 1 as the baseline instead of chapter 2. I liked it much better.


Now, for some things regarding Caughlin.

> writing action scenes of a length of more than a page in Word make me uncomfortable
Well, just remember, the bigger the fight, the longer the action scene. I.E. A fight between schoolyard children might last a few paragraphs at most well a city siege might last chapters with dialogue outside the battle sprinkled here and there.

As for your fight, a single page sounds about right. It's how you go about the fight. You asked which parts should be drawn out? None of them. I would just change how the fight takes place. As of now, I get the impression that Discord sort of dodges attacks and then laughs a bit before becoming pissed when he's actually hit.

I could easily imagine him taunting, staying just out of reach, etc... He would try and turn NMM and Celestia against each other, which wouldn't be hard to do. A few taunts about how Luna should have been the secret project, how she should have been picked to lead, and bam, NMM would be pissed at just about everypony that had to do with the project. Bam! Setting the stage for conflict later on in the story.

Anyways, that's my two cents worth. Take of it as you will.
>> No. 91134
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>pic unrelated
As much as it pains me to say it, you hit that right on the head. Insta-ship under pressure was what I was going for. Of course, instead of staying, Alicia begins to doubt her feelings as time passes, and it transits from crush to friendship then back to something real.

Also deliberate, though I understand that I have to give him at least one likeable moment from the get-go. He is meant to be unnecessarily haughty in the beginning, though I will tone it down.

>keep re-written chapter 1 as base

>Discord, suggestions
You are... absolutely right. I'll get to re-writing the battle along those lines.

Thanks for that again!
>> No. 91318

Okay! Here's two more chapters done for you to enjoy fixing up while I do some stuff before heading over to chapter 5.

Chapter 3:

This is a personal preferance, but you can easily write this into the story. However, I guess keeping it as is acceptable.

> fluttered slowly between open and closed
Is there any other type of fluttering of the eyes?

> Her large magenta eyes eventually made the decision
Implying that she has no control of them? Perhaps: Her brain eventually made the decision to keep her eyes open, well...

> The sound of silence resonated
The sound of silence... Hmm... silence doesn't have a noise. I know what you're going for, and I believe that the saying is 'The silence was defening'.

> Rainbow announced much louder
She wasn't announcing it. Announcing is making a statement or introducing somepony.

> Dash, however, was not concerned in the least that Twilight had left her for good.
Okay, you tell us what she's not concerned with, but what is she concerned with.

> The previous night Twilight
New paragraph.

> the sheets covering their whole bodies so it felt as if they were in their own little world.
Teehee, I did this when I was but a young colt in Cloudsdale. However, I think they're a little old for this now. (Though, I still do it, but only for complete privacy, and only when I'm alone.)

> ]Right... Sorry," blushed Twilight
But nothing was said to cut Twilight off. Perhaps mention RD cutting her off or reminding Twilight that she doesn't need the whole explination.

> She, once again, crinkled
Crinkled is not the image you want. You want curled.

> somewhat to her relief, Twilight did not enter the room.
What? Why wouldn't she want Twilight to walk in?

> Obviously Spike would be home
And normally sleeps at the foot of Twilight's bed.

> How could she be so stupid!
This is a question and a rhetorical one. Phrase it so that Rainbow Dash think-asks it to herself.

> Yep it sure was quite the sleepover
Comma after yup.

> "Umm... just about 5:00,"
They stayed up all night, so let's say they finally went to sleep inbetween 4-5am. That would mean She slept 13-12 hours. I suppose... but RD seems to be more of a pony to take naps throughout the day rather than sleep ultra late.

> Because you sure were making a lot of noise up there,
I think you were trying to imply something, but you already said that they were talking.

> it may be hard distinguishing between her and Big Macintosh
What, do I have my face on hers? It's pretty hard to mistake the two. (Not that I wouldn't place my face on RD's face *cough*)

> when the large wooden front door
'Tis not a large door. It's perfectly average size.

> Rainbow’s new fillyfriend, Twilight Sparkle.
One, if you kept this, Rainbow's would become her. Two, I would just replace this whole thing with 'Twilight'.

>"Saved by bell."
Don't need quotation marks for thoughts. Italics are enough.

> just whatever you want to whip up would be nice
Whip up implys they want this made up quickly. Perhaps: ... whatever you want to make would be nice.

> Twilight said in a hushed yell
How do you yell hushed? It think you meant a hushed tone.

> "And I'm invited to?"

> you are the element of loyalty aren't you?
Comma after loyalty.

> Twilight was just trying to calm Rainbow Dash down.
RD really has no reason to be freaking out. She's just blowing things way out of proportion imo. Freaking out over nothing as of right now. Maybe if this were placed after RD voices her concerns about the others finding out?

> Twilight's attempts, however, did not help much. "But what if they do?"
The first sentence goes back with the previous paragraph. The dialogue is it's own paragraph.

> Dash's natural cockiness got the best of her
When an emotion or state of being gets the best of one, it's when you're trying to suppress said emotion or state of being. You want: Dash's natrual cockiness took over.

> "now come one, dinner should almost be ready!"
What is Spike fixing? Salad? They were talking for maybe 5 minutes and even salad takes a tad longer than that.

> "Thank Celestia for that!"
Just a small reminder, you don't need quotation marks with thoughts.

> "Hold on darling, I'm just finishing up my mane," Rarity responded.
I think this should go before that huge paragraph.

> But I have a reputation Applejack
What is a reputation Applejack? Oh, you forgot the comma after reputation.

> an eyes closed giggle
The better, smoother way of saying this is: she covered her mouth and giggled. It gives us a better image and most of us will picture her eyes closed anyways.

> "I'm only kidding Applejack
Action, name. That's how these types of sentences go. You can't forget that comma or it means your naming an object. I.E. The Kidding Applejack, new at Toys 'r' us.

> "Ya whatever,"
Comma after yeah.

> of one of her 'eggheaded' study sessions
That nick name seems to be something that only Rainbow Dash calls Twi. The others don't seem to have picked it up.

> "Thank you for the Apples Big Macintosh!"
Also, noun, name. If there's a name at the end of the sentence, you need that comma. Last time I point that out. Note* This is used when the speaker is addressing said pony.

> big project from the princess or somethin'
It would be for the princess.

> Thankfully for Twilight,
The rest of this paragraph is really unnecassary. It only really solidifies what was already implied, which we don't need.

> "be over at the boutique around nine
Who starts a sleepover at nine? Maybe it's just me, but when I was younger, me and my friends would try to start them as early as possible to maximize the fun.

> "Actually, Rainbow Dash is over at my house right now
And Rarity never questions why? That seems like something she would do.

Hmm... are you sure you really want a story that follows three different groups? I mean, there are stories that do it quite well, but... It's up to you. Also, don't use all capital letters.

Chapter 4:

> Rarity invited with a smile on her face.
Perhaps: Rarity smiled as they filed past her.

> at a Pinkie Pie party
Except for the fact that this is a Rarity party, not a PP party.

> I was WAY
Last time, Don't use all capital letters.

> Why don't you go tell Applejack," interrupted Rarity
Yeah, **** off Pinkie. I don't want to talk to you! (That... is what I felt Rarity was saying.)

> whisperer a barely audible Fluttershy.
Drop the barely audible.

> lying half conscious in her bed, was experiencing absolute bliss
Gotta get a quicky in before the party. Oh, and this is awkward since they knew about the party, yet went to bed anyways?

> a frustrated Twilight
Frustrated? Hm... maybe frantic?

> alone time
Woops, formatting.

> "How the hay could you even be sleeping?" asked a frustrated Twilight
Twilight was sleeping too. Or at least, mostly asleep. Also, you've already told us she's frustrated.

> Auntie Pinkie Pie
She uses this title when taking care of younger ponies.

> Twilight magically unpacked
You keep saying 'Twilight magically did this. Twilight magically did that.' You know, it's okay for you to drop the magically. The default is to assume that she uses magic to do said task.

> Meanwhile, outside of the boutique, two school fillies,
Scene change. Seperate it from the last scene.

> "Now Ah know my sis' and Rarity are up to somethin'
You have AB say this, but it was SB that nearly caught them kissing. It would make more sense for SB to say it.

> Inside the boutique
Another scene change. Mark it as such.

> Upstairs, Applebloom and Scootaloo stood in Sweetie Belle's room,
Already you switch scenes, again. Perhaps delete the small, single paragraph scene and have the CMC see and hear that so you don't have to do a scene change.

> Downstairs, the ambiance
Scene change!

> suggested Rarity as her eyes lit up with false excitement.
She didn't suggest anything. She inquired.

> The four remaining ponies seemed to be in complete shock after the question was asked.
Why are they shocked? You said it was old news.

> Twilight was stumped.
You already told us this.

> Pinkie Pie, for the first time in as long as anypony could remember, was completely silent.
You already told us this.

Just a quick note about this scene. It becomes so awkward so suddenly at old news. Why? Neither AJ nor Rarity have given the new news yet. You're probably going to either have to add something at the beginning of this section to make it work, or you're going to need to rewrite it.

> When she saw that Fluttershy and Pinkie were not looking, Rainbow turned towards Twilight and mouthed the words, 'do they know?'
Okay, this becomes a PoV issue. You have it from Rarity's point of view first, but unless you have a scene change, it should stay that way. You've been writing in 3rd person limited this whole time anyways, don't switch now.

> Meanwhile in the kitchen, Rarity and Applejack were in a heated, yet relatively silent
Again, PoV issues, or you need a scene change.

> "Did you see how quiet it got when I brought up Lyra and Bonbon?
Again, why are they so shocked at old news?

> asked a now fuming Rarity
Perhaps: Fumed Rarity. (Drop the 'asked a now' part.)

> Applejack screamed silently
You don't scream silently, you whisper furiously.

> "Okay Applejack, okay,"
This plus the last two okays... that makes 4 okays in less than 12 words. Hmm... vary it a little?

> As the two ponies processed back into the other room,
Nope, processed is not the word you want. I think you meant proceeded.

> Rainbow Dash's heart was beating at a million miles an hour
Again, you started in Rarity's PoV, so how would we know this? Same with the coming thought.

> The Cutie Mark Crusaders were disoriented
Don't forget to have the mane six turn there heads in a startled fasion when they hear the noise. As of now, no pony has noticed them except for the noise.

> asked Applejack menacingly.
comma after Applejack.

> Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and their younger counterparts
I don't think counterparts is what you're looking for. Maybe companions?

> the now open door
Either drop now or drop both now open.

Okay. I've finished these two chapters and have stuff I want to do before work. But have no fear. I will return and finish up chapter 5 before the end of this day. I posted this just in case you check so you have something to do while you wait for the last chapter+final thoughts. Anyways, post if you have questions. I can't wait to hit up the final chapter you need reviewed right now.
>> No. 91370

Okay, and here is the final portion of your review:

Chapter 5:

> The couple, along with Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie
What about AJ? Wouldn't she have come back? Afterall, she could leave Big Mac to deal with AB.

> only visible because of its proximity to the dimly lit fireplace
Um... that's really dark... is it in the fireplace?

> "Twilight, they know! They know about—
Woops! You forgot the end quotation marks.

> They are still our friends
Most ponies talk in contratctions. You know, they're, you'r, I'd...

> about it tomorrow morning
It's already tomorrow morning. Perhaps: ... when they wake up.

> she said with a more serious inclination.
Inclination is a tendency to do something. Perhaps: tone.

> that we are
Last time. You can use contractions of words.

I mention this in the last post, but again, you could work this into the story rather than having it as a header if you wanted.

> "Well Ah gotta do some work 'round here at sometime!
Comma after well.

> "Well Ah guess justice is served,
Again, comma after well.

> "Umm Applejack.."
Woops! Forgot a period to make it a full ellipse. Also, you don't end paragraphs (or lines in this case.) with ellipses.

> "No no no no no darling,"
Comma after each no.

> "Wait, Applejack, what if someone sees us?"
Said the pony who had no problems doing it in the Ponyville library. (Mentioned back in chapter 1.)

> we should tell them individually."
Which she's managed to say at least two other times.

> . I guess you could call it our 'coming out' party.
And yet, they were planning to wait a section or so back. They're scared as hell about telling their friends. Suddenly, they want to plan a 'coming out party'!

> "Your not worried! Ha!
Woops! You're.

> "Yeah, we'll I try my best!"
I think you meant I'll try my best!

> "Well we aren't exactly on a tight schedule,"
But Twilight is a schedule freak. If she plans for 1, then dammit, she's going to be there at 1.

> "just a quick race,
Passing comment: And then Twilight accepts and just teleports there.

> "Please please please please
Commas after every please.

> tossed a hoof at her mafefriend
I think you mispelled something. Also, you don't toss a hoof at somepony, silly. You gesture at your marefriend.

> Rainbow Dash and Rarity stared at each other for a good amount of time
Okay, so it's not who they thought it would be, but it's hardly a jaw dropping moment.

> Twilight's eyes stared right into Rainbow's soul.
Any reason for such a sever stare? I don't know, it's not exactly a situation that would require it imo.

> When she finally reached the closed door
They. She's not alone.

Final thoughts:

1. Grammar: You're having issues with those ellipses. Don't end paragraphs with them. Also, when you have [Noun/verb/adjective/etc] followed by a name, you need a comma after the [Noun/verb/adjective/etc], especially when the speaker is addressing the said pony.

2. I see some LuS. By now, I expect you to know what it is and what it looks like. You need to look through your story and destroy instances of 'the unicorn' or 'her fillyfriend'. Stuff like that.

3. Very small amounts of perspective issues, but I address those in the review.


Hmm... this story has taken an interesting twist. I like it so far. But you're dodging the issue so much. Everytime they try and come out, something inturrupts them. I'll just say this now, a story focused soley on shipping can only go so far imo. It's like you keep throwing some random things at us for the sake of making this story as long as possible.

Okay, so now that I've shared my opinion, I'll leave you to fix up as you will. Keep writing my good friend! I can't wait to see more.
>> No. 91389
Again, I can't thank you enough for these reviews, and how quick you get them out! Thanks so much, and keep doing what you're doing man!
>> No. 91392
I'm baaaack...

I was in the process of taking your advice, but ended up with a bigger problem: I didn't quite know where I was going with the story when I first posted it. So I figured out an actual story, retooled the first chapter to kick off the greater narrative, and (hopefully) added about 20% less suck. Your suggestions helped, too. :D

Title: Fire and Fame

Description: 'Living the high life' is the dream of many ponies, but fantasy and reality rarely mix. The rising star of Canterlot, Fleur de Lis, finds herself wondering why she became a model. Spitfire yearns to be known as more than just one of the Wonderbolts. A chance meeting brings the two together as Spitfire finds hope for a new future and Fleur sees what she's lost. Professional interest soon grows into something more, but the demands of celebrity life leave little room for anything personal. Can two ponies find each other, and themselves, without getting swept away by fame and fortune?



(P.S. The last section with Spitfire hasn't received 'final' updates yet, so it may be a bit more rough. I am planning on adding better background for her need to stretch her wings, and mention the talk with the president. Every other error is fair game!)
>> No. 91439

Okay, here you go. Have a review:

Chapter 1:

> to the young mage
Watch it, you've already started to wander into Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll explain in my final thoughts.

> about to commit was so taboo
You either need to finish this (It's so taboo that what?) or you need to delete so.

> But ever since she first tried it as a filly
The only way Twilight would do something taboo, even as a filly, is by accident. I mean, if she is told it was taboo, she would probably avoid it at all costs.

> The need to feel that again made her shrug off societies claims this was forbidden.
Again, Twilight isn't a sadistic bitch.

> Her heart rate increased, and finally, she could take it no longer.
New paragraph and that 'her' should be 'Twilight's'.

> Oh! I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry
Those 'I'm Sorrys' should have commas after them.

> She cried, a look of worry in her eyes.
That she shouldn't be capitalized.

> "I TOLD you this was a bad idea.
Don't use all capital letters to draw attention to a word. Use italics.

> Ya gotta cut tomatoes gently
Okay, so it was a tomatoe. I'll tell you were you went wrong. You spend too much time setting up a sadistic Twilight, and then yank it out from under us. You do so well making it seem like a taboo ritual. In fact, too much. Violently cutting a tomato is hardly taboo. You should leave something that makes it so we don't worry about Twilight being a satanist, but makes us wonder what's up. Perhaps leave out the taboo part and mention what she's doing isn't how ponies normally do the task.

> reserved for the times Twilight simple wouldn't listen to him
Which is almost every time. Also, simpely.

> The young librarian sighed dejectedly
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. (LuS) We know what Twilight is and we know her relative age.

> Flour, applesauce, water, and now tomato juice
My mind is full of what. Pray, do tell what one makes with flour, applesauce, water, and tomato juice? You'd think someone would have enough sense to stop her from making such a horrid concoction. After all, the kitchen is one of the more used rooms in a home.

> "I know, Spike. But you always make such great food,
Period after food. Also, the library has a kitchen, so why isn't she there? After all, she lives at the library. She has to be able to eat somehow and eating out everyday is unwise.

> .Beforehand so I would be totally prepared
There aren't hands in Equestria, so the word 'beforehand' is invalid. Use 'beforehoof'.

> Spike finishing the speech
Speeches are much longer. He finished her overused sentence.

> he was far to familiar

> Ever think there's a reason why RD orders takeout all the time?"
Then, RD must be filthy rich, because food isn't cheap you know. Perhaps she lives the college pony's life? You know, raman noodles and other incredibly cheap and easy to make foods?

> "Well..."
Don't end with ellipses. In this case, you could add a speech tag such as: Twilight let her voice trail off.

> "Ah thought we agreed to never speak of that again?
This really isn't a question. Also, you start the paragraph with Twi smiling, then launch into AJ speaking. This dilogue should be its own paragraph.

> seethed AJ, glaring death itself at the young reptile.
You can't glare death. You give a death glare. Also, LuS with the young reptile part. Perhaps: seethed AJ, giving Spike a death glare.

> Applejack muttered, "...scaly varmint..."
AJ isn't so thick headed that she can't recognize a small jibe like Spike's and take it in stride. Perhaps she gives a mock glare?

> Twilight just smiled, "It's OK Applejack
Period after smiled. Also, I prefer okay over OK, but that's just personal preferance.

> by a purple glow.
One, you should probably just say Twilight. Two, I get the impression that after Twi' was accepted to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, she lived there. Spike probably would have never seen the mess.

> That little lizard
Again, I'll explain LuS later, but just know that this is an example.

> her odd assistant/adopted little brother
Just replace with him. He's also not a little brother, because he wasn't adopted. Twilight is more off a caretaker than anything.

> "So, is Apple Bloom enjoying her weekend trip to Cloudsdale?"
How? She can't walk on clouds and it's generally accepted that Twi's cloud walking spell isn't permanant. Only pegasi can walk on clouds.

> cloud-walkin' spell ya did on her 'n Sweetie Bell
Again, there are very few spells that are permanant and cloud walking wouldn't be one of them.

> Ah know horn pain means bad things fer y'all unicorns."
Yeah, pain in general usually means bad things for anypony.

> Several minutes later
New paragraph.

> casting the occasional Shadow
Don't capitalize shadow.

> Far away, a decidedly much More powerful
Watch those random capitalized words.

> groused the alicorn. If I had known THIS would happen, I NEVER
Okay, please, just tell us it's Luna already. We know she's an alicorn. Also, don't use all capital letters.

> Behind her plastered on royal smile, Luna, Princess of the Night, Regent of the Moon, was stuck listening to a stuck up unicorn ramble on about some perceived injustice.
That first part has all my what. That second part, you don't need the whole title line. We know who she is.

> As if somepony was tickling it with a feather.
Given the stigma, this is incredibly kinky.

Passing comment: Imo, the RCV is the only time all capital letters is acceptable.

> His fathers words ringing

Last time, don't use all capitals.

> The man/thing ignored his choked
You've established that it's a man. You can delete /thing.

> He was completely naked
Not sure we would know that since he's face to face with the boy... unless the boy is looking down.

> but his lungs could find no purchase.
Purchase in this context is usually used for a grasp on something. Lungs doesn't grasp.

> Why doesn't it hurt why me Daddy help can't breathe Mommy is that yo-
Question mark after each question. Also, 'why me daddy help' you need to reword that to be at least somewhat coherent.

> Such a shame, he thought. I’ve never killed someone that young before. I wonder how long I could have made him last...
Make sure the thoughts are in italics. Also, don't end paragraphs in ellipses. This is a question anyways.

> It was still warm from it’s previous container.
Container? Maybe owner, maybe vessel. But not container.

> in the substance.
It's okay, you can say blood.

> “Give it up, Pomeroy, we know yer in there!”
New paragraph.

> *THUD*
You don't write noise in like this. The next sentence you have tells us that there's a noise you want us to imagine. Leave the imagination up to us. Don't tell us how we should say the word.

Final thoughts:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using coat/mane colour, specific trait to a character, or race of a character to tell us who's doing what. Don't fall into this trap. Use he/she/him/her/etc...

2. That beginning: you try so hard to play with our minds. I mean, you do it well, but it hardly helps your story. In fact, I'd say it hurts the story. The picture you paint in the first few paragraphs is a satanic Twilight, which I would be willing to bet would scare readers away. I do suggest something back in the main review.

3. Accents: be careful with them. Don't overdo it. Choose one or two words to turn into the accent, and we'll do the rest. (Usually, people go with I->Ah and you-yah for a southern drawl.)

4. She said, she said, she said: Yes, we know someone said something, the quotation marks tell us that. Don't be afraid to end with a period and don't make the words end with something like "[dialogue]," he giggled. You can do stuff like: "[dialogue]." He started to giggle insanely.

5. That murder scene. You're a bit gore heavy on it for a pony fic, not that you can't do the scene, but you do need to dance delicatly around that topic.

Interesting indeed. You don't really have much happening in the first section and it all builds up to her horn hurt a tiny bit. That's a lot for just that. The second section was better. You may be able to keep the readers attention, but your going to have to have a good amount of stuff happen in chapter 2.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 91445
Hello! This is my first fanfic, Great, and I was hoping you could review it for me. I submitted it to EqD a while back, reworked it quite a bit, and this is the final topic. One thing my pre-reader advised me to do was get a review or two done on here, so that's what I'm doing! I hope you enjoy what I have so far, and I hope you can give me some helpful feedback! Thanks!

Here's the link:

>> No. 91466
Well, thank you so much for the review! I'd honestly never heard of LuS, so that little tidbit will come in handy! :)

I fixed most of what you suggested, and I do agree the story flows a bit better. I kept in a few, simply because Author's Privilege. As for the pacing issue, I did that on purpose. I wanted to establish that it was a normal day in Ponyville, do a bit of world building, and do my best to keep some of that MLP charm in the story. Granted, this IS a story about a violent psychopath, but that doesn't mean we can't Smile, Smile, Smile every now and then! :) I have a few side threads in mind. Nothing serious, just a few things to make the characters seem more real, and to keep the mood as light as possible, given the materiel.

If you get a chance, please throw me back in the chute for a review.

>> No. 91538
Hey man. I won't be asking for a review for quite a while. If the title of the post isn't obvious, I'll spell it out: I had a large scale virus attack, and I lost everything. Fanfics, games, homework. It might be a very long time before I'm even able to ask for a review.
>> No. 91565
Hi there! This is pretty much my first serious attempt to write a well-constructed story. I'm not terribly secure about the concept itself, and about the dialogue.


Title: With Heartstrings Attached
Summary: A young, ambitious scholar finds himself in the middle of Bon-Bon's matchmaking schemes.
Tags: [Shipping] [Comedy?]
>> No. 91609
Title: Uprising
Tags: Dark, Sad
Synopsis: Imprisoned in a dark prison where the light never shines, a stallion get a rare chance at Freedom and Forgiveness in the form of a mysterious hooded mare. But his freedom comes at a price. Now challenged to find out his own past, he must delve into the fog of his memory to unlock the secrets of himself that he never knew were there.

Note: It is an OC story, but its primary use is for me to expand on my writing skills.
>> No. 91610
here's the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14329/Uprising
>> No. 91618
Ok, here is the thing. I have been trying to get this story on EQD(I waited months before sendin it in) but got refused. At this point anyone I know seems out of ideas how to help me so I am trying to find some advice here.

Title: The Blank Flank Adventurer
Synopsis: For the pegasus Dream Feather, it was a trip to Ponyville like any other. That is until he heard about the disappearance of Rainbow Dash. He never planned to do anything more than learn about it. And he certainly did not want the whole thing to turn into his personal adventure. Yet somehow he finds himself a pawn in the middle of a dangerous scheme.

Comment from the guy who refused my story(Read it after if you don't want your opinion tainted I guess):
The OC is also rather shallowly characterized. He's a writer! And... that's about all we know about him, at least in the first chapter, where we really should have a reason to care about this guy. Twilight also seems rather out of character, and in general a better hook is needed to keep readers going through the author's somewhat dry, tell-heavy style. This needs work.
(never worked with any "chan" before, so exuse me from any mistake I might have made)
>> No. 91624
File 133210313472.jpg - (9.95KB , 276x200 , LazyTwi.jpg )
Right, since I nearly cleared it yesterday, here's the queue as of right now.




Ouch! I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you had it all written down on paper or something. I'll wait patiently for you to rewrite. Until then, good luck!
>> No. 91641
Evening! I just took time to expand a fic I started a while ago, and though I like what I did so far, the start is pretty bad. I'd love to get some review/help on it.
It's slightly gore, and there's death in it. It's far from cupcakes though.
Summary; Rarity gets invited to yet another fancy party, but things take a turn for the worst...
>> No. 91644
File 133211082629.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona 2.png )
Finally, had to kick myself in the flank, but this one's finally over.

Title: Ponies of the Five Rings
Tags: [Crossover][Adventure][Grimdark]
Synopsis: The six Great Clans defend the Empire, and life is peaceful. However, since the clans’ interests usually clash, that peace is really fragile. Unfortunately for the Empire, the Dark Lord has bigger plans now.

Links to Chapter 2:
Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bq0rxufn4OHpflohKncWiv2qonx94V5Q-FqTrgHaMag/edit
Part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ARxEKLwTMuH88q4jM56K9O6At6EeyfBdWahlGpe1JXY/edit
Part 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DLnzZWs6Z7kI5q01pqq2X92xxVFObZ-7Isi_lOvgUfM/edit
>> No. 91667

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Those thought tags: you have them with a good number of the thoughts. The fact that they are in italics is enough to tell us a pony is thinking. No need to add in 'she thought' and such.

2. I mention this indoc, but you sort of have Spitefire randomly engage Fleur in conversation, when in fact, Spitfire seemed to be trying to avoid socializing. The simple fix? Have Fleur recognize her, immediately think about contacts, engage in conversation instead of Spitfire just talking.


Very good, very good indeed. This is perhaps one of the few shipping stories that could hold my attention. I'm honestly eager for a second chapter to review.

Keep writing my good friend!

Also, have a title suggestion: Fame's Passion (Might as well suggest it as long as you're playing around with the title.)
>> No. 91687
File 133212933025.jpg - (102.70KB , 960x540 , Celestia so let it be written.jpg )

Notes about your notes!

> Only drinks and hors d'oevres?
No dinner or anything, so what else would there be?

> What? She /is/ the captain. Why does she lie?
Nope! Her captaincy is fanon only, which means I can pretend to be origina- I mean, uh, stir things up a bit. I'll give it a bit more exposition/clarity.

> One does not stretch feathers. Perhaps: ... and stretched out to her fullest.
But they were being spread, not stretched! One can spread feathers, I swear! (I may change that sentence anyway)

> Also, have a title suggestion: Fame's Passion
aughuhg. It took days to decide between "Fame and Fire" or "Fire and Fame". Pre-readers were split evenly. Now they're split over this. Chaos. MADNESS. I'll sleep on it and see, though.

Glad you liked it! I'll have that second chapter ready... um, soonventually? Yeah.
>> No. 91732
I'll send you a fic once I'm done the first part. I have to get Earthside back up to par, but for now, I can send you in a fanfic which is one of the strangest I've ever done. It's sort of a crossover: Merlin/MLP/ and another show I can't remember the name of. It's called Heresy of the Darkest Soul.
>> No. 91763

>No dinner or anything, so what else would there be?
No idea, so you can probably keep that. I don't attend very many dinner parties.

>Nope! Her captaincy is fanon only
You could, but it it's fanonly accepted, why not? Do as you will.

Chaos, I like that! Hehehe!

Do what you will. But it'll be a bit before I get to it.
>> No. 91815
Chapter 1:

> Hoofbeats and cheers drained out all other sounds.
drained should be drowned.

> replied the overwhelmed unicorn.
Watch out for Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll explain it at the end.

> laughed the wide-eyed mare,
Again, LuS. I see why your doing it, because you already write out her name a lot. Perhaps have her ask to be called Lark or something (A nickname if you will.) Then, the reporters ignore her, still calling her Meadowlark. THen when she actually says something, use her nickname.

> cerulean unicorn with a blue-grey mane.
This one piece of LuS can slide because Meadowlark doesn't know the pony yet.

> was somepony of great importance.
Okay, so he eats at the fanisest restaurnat around that only the elite eat at. Wouldn't that make him at least somewhat known? You'd think in a crowd this large, someone would whisper his name.

> With a start, the mare realized
This is the last time I point this out. LuS.

> "Thank you so much for all of this, Sea Breeze."
The only problem I have with the name 'Sea Breeze' is the fact that I immediatly picture a sailor pony. Upperclass ponies seem to have more... clerical or fancy names.

> "Yes. You are quite entertaining."
Comma after yes.

> She smiled with a blush.
Given the context, we know how she blushed. You could drop 'smiled with a' and replace it with blushed.

> "So? Is that a yes?"
Comma after so.

> A year went by and the two were married, much to the delight of both parties' families.
Holy hot dumplings! I was almost tempted to drop the story right here, but instead, I'm going to finish up chapter 1. I'll tell you why at the end of this review.

> who lived in a modest one-story home in the heart
Why? Why does he move in with her when he would undoubtably have a much more lavish apartment? Wouldn't it be... more gentlestallionly of him?

> (and usually they were),
Lose the parentheses and comma after acclaim.

> One thing Meadowlark noticed
New paragraph.

> life's big question--
Those dashes should be a comma.

> Her fur was a soft white
As weird as it sounds, it's actually hair that a pony has.

> "Vanity. For her beauty."
Vanity? Um... are you sure you want to name a foal after one of the seven deadly sins? Also, Vanity screams bitch imo. Unless you're going for irony and make Vanity a very cheritable pony.

> My little Vanity..."
Don't end paragraphs with an ellipse.

> For the first year of her life
Okay, you have one paragraph briefly discussing the new born foal, then you switch to Vanity. I think you need to reorganize this a bit.

> "Trixie. . ."
Again, don't end a paragraph with an ellipse.

> questioned Sea Breeze.
Questioned sounds harsh. You should use asked.

> I'm getting a headache.
Then leave the room you fool!

> door behind him which
Comma after him.

> swinging her sister around.
Hmm... how exactly would a pony do this. It would require standing on one's hind legs and moving. Perhaps a different way of showing affection?

> "Why can't I use magic?" she huffed.
Wow, no three year old I know can use words this well.

> Tell me what you are doing now."
Comma after doing.

> she questioned in disbelief.
Perhaps: She stared in disbelief.

> We can just be a happy family of three--
The dashes should be a period.

> That was the last time she ever saw him.
Perhaps: That would be the last time she ever saw him.

> Trixie's short life shown the girl
girl should be filly.

> went on for the three girls.
Girls should be ponies.

> the young earth pony Serendipity
Comma after pony.

> Were they going or not?
Don't just ask questions like this. Since this does seem to be from Trixie's perspective, reword this to be a thought. As you have it now, you're asking the reader when she is infact asking herself.

Some final thoughts thus far:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Using mane/coat colour, specific trait, race of pony to describe who's doing what. Don't fall into that trap. Don't be afraid to use words such as him/her/he/she.

2. She said, she said, she said: You do alot of that and similar things. The quotation marks tell us as much. Instead of saying something like she said, write something about their next action. Their next action will tell us how the dialogue was said.

3. You have a smattering of human terms: Watch those. For example, you'd use girl or girls in some cases when filly would be more appropriate.

4. Ellipses: You end with them a few times at the end. Don't do this. A regular period would work just fine.


Okay, I mentioned dropping this after the first chapter and I'll tell you why. I'm not going to lie. I honestly got hung up a bit with the whole time skipping thing. Okay, fine, I can see why you did it, but then why didn't you just skip from the first section directly to Trixie's birth then? The section before her birth just seems like filler anyways. The only info it gives me is she has a sister that's 2 years older and that her birth was harder on Meadowlark. So? You could have told me somewhere in the section where Trixie was born. At the very least, I more background. You need to balance the background with what the main part of the story is. As of now, you are woefully short of what background would be appriciated. For example, Meadowlark and Sea Breeze meet and bam, they're married. Take a few paragraphs to develope the relationship. Stuff like that.

Your characters: I like Meadowlark, but I don't know much about her except that she's shy and she likes to paint. A little more would be nice.
As for Sea Spray? He strikes me of the type that would take advantage of the fortune of another. In fact, he does. Not once do we hear about him doing a bit of work. This causes me to utterly hate him. Come on! Give us something likable about him. Even Dearth Vader had something likable about him. Deep down, he really cared. He was willing to remember a time before he was Darth Vader. (Granted, it was at the end, but still...). Sea Spray has no chance at redemption unless you have Trixie come across him or something.

Did I like it? Not particulary, but I did like the concept. I just think the first chapter could have better handled.

Okay, so what does that mean for you? I pushed you down a bit, so what? Get back up and write! Prove me wrong. Prove that you can make this work. Do it!

Oh, and one final word:

I took a peek at the first few paragraphs of chapter two and all I have to say is, Princess Celestia doesn't really have a reason to be the one delivering the bad news. usually, that stuff is handled by somepony of lesser rank. Most likely it would be the coronner, the ME, or the chief of police.

I wish you luck my friend. Don't let one poor review get you down.

By all means, feel free to come back here if you feel like it.
>> No. 91870
Hey, I'm back! I wrote up chapter two, and would love someone to give it a once over.

Title: Bloodline- Chapter Two
Tags: Dark, Thriller
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a violent serial killer who has terrorized Houston for over two years. Now, he find his way to Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not seen violence like him in eons. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, the man who has been chasing Pomeroy for years. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, the Mane Six must work with Barlow to stop this madman. But is all as it seems?

I know there's a few spelling and maybe a some format issues. I'm mainly asking for advice on writing style. I've been told by a few people that I have a problem with the whole "show, don't tell" thing. How does this chapter flow? Do I suck and fail at life? Please help. :)
>> No. 91872

You're gonna need to give me permission to open it up. Also, don't forget to make sure comments are enabled.

>> No. 91875
ARGH! I did it again! LOL Can you tell I'm new at this? :)

It's good now!
>> No. 92162

All right, I can open chapter two, but I think gdocs is whack. The formatting looks mess and there's no way to comment. It makes it hard to read. I'll let you give a shot at fixing it and making sure it's in the right area so I can comment, but if you can't, I'll deal with it.

Oh, and Chapter 1 is reviewed in doc.

Some things of note in chapter 1:

1. You confuse it's and its a bit at the beginning. Watch out for that. It's is the contraction for it is. Its shows possession.

2. You use he, she a lot. I know I advised against LuS (Which you have a tiny bit of, but it's not too bad.), but use the pony's/person's name occasionally to clarify. I point out a few instances where who she or he is referring to is unclear, but I do believe there are others. Look at who has spoken last or performed an action last. That's who he/she refers to.

3. You use 'he thought/she thought' quite a bit. The fact that the thought is in italics is enough to tell us it's a thought. Instead, show us their next action in relation to the dialogue. I.E "What do you mean I'm covered in flaming Cheeto dust?!" LunarShadow whirled around to face the mirror, a look of disbelief on his face.


This was a much better draft. I enjoyed reading it that much more. The gore was better handled, and I appreciated you cutting down on the unnecessary parts. Keep writing my good friend! I'll get to chapter two as soon as you get back to me.
>> No. 92176
Greetings, would love it if you could give the first chapter of a project I just started a whirl for review.

In short, it's a pseudo-crossover (I'll explain the pseudo, hold on) between MLP and Dungeons and Dragons. I say it's a crossover mostly because the characters (it's the mane 6) have classes as if it were a typical game of Dungeons and Dragons (and all stuff associated with such a thing), but in terms of narrative, you require no knowledge of D&D to understand anything.If you do know D&D you might find some references for fun, but otherwise, it's just another adventure/AU story.

The main reason I did so, was so that everypony would have a proper set of abilities so to speak. Using the original theme of the cartoon, sure, Twilight can do magic, AJ can buck stuff to death probably and... that's it. This way, Dash has some fighting prowess with her speed. Rarity is adept at creating items for various purposes, Pinkie can buff the party with music and stuff, etc.

Since you know WoW apparently, I believe you can see where my train of thought is going. XD

Link to chapter (comments are enabled, I checked) is:

Thanks in advance.
>> No. 92177
File 133237034201.gif - (63.34KB , 475x252 , LFG.gif )

Ohhh... one I look forward to. I've actually tossed that idea around a few times in my head a few times. Tried once and failed. It'll be interesting to see what others can come up with for an RPG based fic.

And yes, before ponies, all my time belonged to WoW. I've played D&D before. I've tried to get groups together before, but it's never worked. My father owns almost every edition of D&D, so if I so desired, I could get some extra background knowledge or suggest creatures, spells, etc...


Picture semi-relevant. It's the only semi-D&D picture I have right now in my reaction folders. Go Brony Richard!
>> No. 92188

First off, thank you so much for the help! Really, this definitely helped me, and I am most certainly going to go back and apply what you've said.

I just want to go ahead and say that as far as the whole time jump thing goes, that's what I always tend to do with the beginning of a story, because I truly stink at the beginning. Once everything's set up, though, I can seriously deliver, but that first bit has always been my weak point.

Well, with the Princess Celestia thing, I used her because I read something similar in another fic, where the colt's parents died, she informed him, picked him up, and brought him to his new guardian.

As for including Vanity's birth, I wanted to show contrast between hers and Trixie's.

I never thought about having somepony mentioning Sea Breeze's name in the restaurant, so thanks for that! I'm definitely putting that in.

Yes, he will be coming back into the story, though not for any reasons you'd expect at this point, and many of your queries (such as why he moved in with Meadowlark and why his name doesn't sound so upper-classy) and even his soft side will be displayed then. For now, yes, you should utterly hate him, and that's okay.

As far as Vanity's name goes, when I first came up with it, I basically just wanted a one-word name that kind of had the same feel of Rarity. As time went on, I began to develop Vanity's character (pretty backwards, I know) and did incorporate her name with her personality, at first ironic, as you put it. Slowly, as the story unfolds, we get screen shots of Vanity as she grows up, and over time, lives up to her name, for reasons yet to be revealed.

I felt your critique was pretty much spot on, save one thing---LuS. You seem to treat it as a kind of rule for writing; in my eyes, it's more of a stylistic preference. I like mixing it up a bit. Simply using a character's name or he/she/it gets pretty boring and redundant after a while. In my opinion, using different titles makes it more interesting. But, like I just said, that's my opinion.

Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and give me actual feedback; I'm really grateful and will definitely apply it.

And don't worry, I'll prove you wrong. I tend to do that.
>> No. 92285
Good to hear that at least the concept sounds interesting to you, hopefully the narrative will stick too.

I do have to say however, I'm still slightly torn between the weapon handling (you'll see what I mean when you reach Fluttershy), and some other details. But all critique/suggestions/whatev are welcome. =3
>> No. 92445
My queue is CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE due to the fact that I am going to be gone for a few days. Sorry to those in queue, but I won't be getting around to you guys until after this weekend.

Queue as of now:


>>91875-Just a note, I'll jump queue for your chapter two since I already had chapter one and meant to review chapter two earlier as soon as I hear back from you on whether or not you can fix the format.
>> No. 92561
Alright, this is the concept of the fanfic which I've been working on on the computer while I've been writing the paper version of P3 of Shadow Protocol.

Aerowyn the hunter is being chased by Lord Barion's men. He evades capture, and is found by his friend Cassicus. Underneath Aerowyn's arm is his son. Cassicus tells Aerowyn that people have been disappearing since he left a week before from Westvale Village. They return to the village, where Aerowyn discovers a rift. As he investigates it, a blast of energy hits him, and his son disappears.

His son ends up in Equestria, and is raised by the ponies.

Twenty years later (In his frame of reference), Lord Barion's men attack, and the boy, named Flynt, must discover who he really is, and why he is so important.

I may have screwed up the description, but hey, that's because I'm TERRIBLE at synopsis and descriptions.
>> No. 92610
Hey there, Jmozziel! I'd love if you could take a quick read whenever you get a chance and give me your thoughts. It's the first chapter of my first fic - I'd like to see if you think I'm on the right track.


The Equestrian Spring

Princess Celestia has led Equestria into an age of near-universal prosperity, with crime and unemployment virtually extinguished. But when a small group of young ponies begin agitating on behalf of democracy and their right to self-determination, how will Celestia reconcile all the good she's done as an unelected ruler with the truth behind the protesters' arguments? And as Luna continues to grapple with the profound isolation in her life, will she be able to withstand the pressure of high-profile criticism and direct confrontation?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nyAdjSTyUfXmPi6QeGiD15UBJgt4kLcdQWarmD7T4hs/edit
>> No. 92620
Hi i know this is a cupcakes story, it has a happy ending and i dont go too deep into the detail will it b okay? here is a link
>> No. 92803
OK! I think I fixed it. I opened it in Google Docs and it looks fine. Also, I fixed Chapter One and submitted it to FIMFiction. It isn't published yet, but I'd like you to take a look once it is. I made changes you suggested, and changed the story so it's not quite as gory.

But for now, here's chapter two:

>> No. 92805
And here's chapter One redone, just for poops and giggles.

>> No. 92810
Ugh. Okay, apparently when I copied it from FIMFiction and pasted to Google Docs, it derped my formatting. Please ignore that, and just read chapter two. I'll post the link to FIMFiction once it's approved. And once again, thanks!
>> No. 92964
OK! Here is the final product of chapter one! And also, I'm done spamming the thread. :)

>> No. 93270

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. Grammar: You still end some paragraphs with ellipses. Don't do this. You use dashes where ellipses would work better. And finally, you have several points where there are thoughts, but they aren't in italics. You're gonna have to fix that.

2. After thoughts, you have a habit of writing 'he thought' when you shouldn't have to. The fact that the thoughts are in italics should be enough to tell us it's a thought.


You've thought a lot about this chapter, haven't you? I can tell because I personally found the beginning to be pretty damn good. Despite the minor blood and gore, plus promise of more, I'm honestly a bit curious. I can't wait to see chapter 2 again and eventually chapter 3.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 93271
Queue is still closed.

Sorry, meant to put that with my last post, but I derped and forgot.
>> No. 93326
Thanks again! A few notes.
You talked about the use of both carrots and dashes to separate scenes. That is on purpose. The >>> represent a change in scene in the same world. The dashes represent a change between the pony world and human world. I guess I could make that clearer.

And yes, I had a lot of fun with this chapter and planned it for a while. I really wanted to establish Barlow's character. I'm especially proud of the last scene. I think it'll get people going. I'm having some trouble with chapter three, just trying to tie my ideas together. But chapter two has been fixed on my computer. Once I get to an Internet connection, probably Thursday, I'll post it to FIMFiction. You've been a big help, dude! I don't know of you checked, but I thanked you on chapter one. You're now my official pre reader. Feel blessed. :P
>> No. 93330
Also, as far as the gore. Let me assure you that all planned major gore, ie deaths, will happen off screen. And the aftermath will be handled with as much decorum as possible. Again, I want this on EqD at some point. So you can expect it to reach their acceptable level. Think Pony Space or The Night That Never Ended.
>> No. 93531

Review running in doc.

Some things of note:

1. The word choice you use sounds like you took a thesaurus and picked words at random to change. Remember, keep it simple. We don't want readers to get hung up on words they don't know.

2. Paragraphs, remember, new idea, new speaker, new thinker, new actor, new paragraph.

3. He said, she said. You use tags like these all the time. The fact that you have the dialogue in quotation marks, or the thought in italics, tells us that there is speaking or thinking. Consider changing some of the speech tags into action. That'll tell us how the dialogue was said and get to the point faster.

4. You use so many ellipses at the end of paragraphs. Don't do this. A period works best. Also, ellipses at the beginning of a sentence indicates a continuation of speech that was interrupted by action or words that were said at one point in time, but aren't as relevant as what was just said. That being said, em dashes were also an issue. Those are used to indicate interruption, they are not used as commas. You also abuse parentheses, please don't do that. Most of the time, they aren't needed or should be replaced by commas.

5. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Using mane/coat colour, a specific trait, or race of pony to describe who's doing what. Don't fall into this trap. Use he/she/his/her/etc... Though, I will admit, you didn't have this illness too badly.

6. I noticed several times that you put in words for sounds that ponies make, like "humph". I think it's technically okay, but it could be done more gracefully.

7. You have a smattering of human terms such as girlfriend in your story. Be careful, there are people who will call you on it.

8. Perspective issues, you have some. For example, you start in Bon-Bon's perspective in the last section, you move to the guard's, and you make us hear what Derpy has to say. Pick a perspective and stick with it. We should only hear, see, feel what the pony who's perspective we're in can hear, see, feel.


Meh, this wasn't anything spectacular (Understandable since you claim it to be your first). The only thing you really have going for you is the fact that Lyra and Bon-Bon aren't a couple in your story. And the surprise implied shipping at the end with Derpy x OC.

Anyways, that's my two cents worth of thoughts. Take care and I wish you well in your writing goals.
>> No. 93535
Argh! I keep forgetting... Queue is still closed

> The >>> represent a change in scene in the same world. The dashes represent a change between the pony world and human world.
You shouldn't have to do that. The first few sentences of the scene should make it clear which world we're in.

And yes, I did notice the shout-out. Thanks! It always feels good to know someone appreciates my help enough to let others know.

Also, I know you'll try hard to keep the gore to a minimum without ruining the atmosphere of the story. (I've been meaning to read Pony Space and I've only gotten part of the way through The Night That Never Ended. I need to finish that.)
>> No. 93553
Thanks for the review! I'll take a closer look at it later. Just a note,
>7. You have a smattering of human terms such as girlfriend in your story. Be careful, there are people who will call you on it.
The word "girlfriend"'s actually been used in canon (the song in "Hearts and Hooves Day"), but yeah, it doesn't really mesh well.
>> No. 93709
File 133303365896.png - (365.01KB , 786x1017 , Lunascoatofarms.png )


> The Spark of an Idea.
Random capitalization is unneeded. Also, I'm pretty sure that period can be a comma.

> to unknown locations; to far
Pretty sure that the semi-colon should be a comma.

> As the idea spreads, so, too, do
Delete 'too,'

> Chaos ensues, and the water becomes unclear:
The metaphore is a bit... inaccurate. I know what you're trying to say: a single idea can have profound effects, but a single droplet falling into water isn't going to create the turmoil you point out.

> Yet you cannot: it
That colon should be a comma or a semi-colon. (Not sure which. Semi-colons are my enemy and I don't use them often.)

> It begin to change you

> Because I was consumed
The next few sentences all start the same. Because, because, because, because. Vary it a little. Avoid repetitvness.

> for I do not fear Hell anymore
This is a pony story, it's up to you, but I would ponify hell. How you ask? The Rotting Stables.

> were all too late.
It doesn't sound like the other pony was too late. It sounds like the other pony's efforts were in vain.

> place of Death
You keep capitalizing death as if it were a pony, when in context it is a concept. Don't capitalize it.

> they had still managed to raise me well.
Now well enough if he refers to them as a drunkard and a hors.

> I had come to accept.

> In stepped a body
One would be more likely to recognize it as a pony, not just a body.

> it has long since been
it has been long since I have seen such...

> I had not seen beforehand
Would he have a concept of beforehand... or would he refer to it as beforehoof. Or, just leave it as before.

> “Who are you who
Comma after you.

> I had not noticed until I assumed spiritual form.
He notices the crevice, he notices the light, and yet he doesn't notice the pony standing in front of him? I would assume the first two indicate that he's using his spirit sight.

> Though twas not my intention

> of a might weapon
Woops, I think you meant mighty weapon.

> Was there no hidden catch.
This is a question, not a statement.

> Her tone changed yet again, this time to a more childish and bubbly one.
Too cheerful and out of place in a bleak setting. Honestly, I know only one character who could pull off childish and bubbly in a bleak world. That would be Midna from LoZ: Twilight Princess.

> would be given this divine redo!
You could use a better word than redo.

> “What's your name?”
With questions like theses, I wouldn't use contractions.

> A Name is a deal of association.
Again, random capitalization. Don't do it.

> <----------------------------------------------------------------->
There really isn't a scene change. You could get rid of the line break.

> Do you see this wraith too, my friend?
I let the other questions slide because the majority of this chapter takes place in our protagonist's head. This one however, addresses an unseen audience... us. Don't, we aren't in the story. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've seen one or two others where he addresses the audience. Find and reword them so he isn't asking us.

> and defog mine own head.
You use 'mine' a lot. They should really be 'my'.

> Remember your name …
Don't end paragraphs, or in this case, lines, with an ellipse.

> would try at me
try at me? I would reword this a bit.

Notes, notes, notes. Damn, I love notes:

I had some pertaining to the story, but most were addressed in the thread. Also, I'm sure you've noticed that I have only the prelude reviewed, and I'll tell you why. Because it was boring as hell. (I've never gotten that phrase. Hell seems rather... exciting in the sense of something is always happening.)

"Okay, fuck you reviewer, you just don't get the deeper meaning." You're right, I don't and I read it line by line. That's this stories failing, you try to be too subtle with it. Not only that, I do agree with Ion-Sturm and anon and whoever else commented in the other thread dedicated to this story. Your character is well on his way to suedom. And once you reach a certain point, there is no redeeming a sue. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave this here along with some changes that would be more beneficiary than a prelude. A good suggestion would be to look for successful stories that do have a prelude. A good place to start for pony fanfiction would be EqD. Here, I'll even give you start so you don't have to dig through posts: "Rewind" has a prelude that I've grown to like.

First, let me explain a prelude. It's used to explain why things happen the way they do later in the story. It's used to set up future events, to give a peek at what may or may not happen. Often times, it's not even required, because you can do that just as effectively in chapter one. I've only used preludes before to reasonably change a character and give me some freedom in how I make a character act. In fanfiction, I get the impression that some preludes could be stand alone stories if the author desired. They're iffy at best.

Now, my suggestion. You tell us next to nothing in the prelude. You tell us that he did something bad, he has parents, and he doesn't know his name and that's it. At the very least, tell us more about what he remembers of his past life. What did he do that deserved eternal damnation? Why does he think about his parents the way he does? Why, why, why? Describe your OC. Make it interesting. I get the impression that you are writing for the audience. As such, it does not matter if you think your prelude is godlike, a gift from Celestia herself. It only matters what the audience thinks at that point. If you're writing for them, you will pander to them. Okay, so maybe you do want to pander to them. Here's my suggestion: make the prelude happen before he's imprisoned. Show us how he became imprisoned. Write a chapter that spans his last moments of freedom or his last fight. Often times, preludes take place days, weeks, months, years before the actual story. Again, See "Rewind". The prelude took place several months before the story if I recall correctly. And yes, I am suggesting that you start with some action. It's probably the easiest way to hook an audience in if done right.

Anyways, that's my spiel. Take what you will, hate me if you must, call me a douch bag for not reviewing more of your story. I don't care, just as long as you're willing to keep an open mind and take any advice you can get. You don't have to like it, you don't even have to ever come here again, you can hop from reviewer to review until you find one you like, but I guarentee that you'll get similar responses as this one until you take the advice. The first step to writing a good story is recognizing that you do have to have someone hold your hand... to an extent. There are very few authors that can do without the hand holding and neither you nor I are an exception.

I wish you luck in your writing goals. You can do this. I believe in you.
>> No. 93720
Thanks for the review! I do like to note that most grammatical errors were typos on my part (I've used a computer for so long that I have memorized the keyboard and as such tend to go WAAAAY too fast when I'm typing).

Anyway, as I said in my other review, this entire story was in order to test out certain things before I began with the real story, which I'm calling Paradise. But, I digress with the last note. I had certain goals in mind when I wrote this, and it completed all of that.

Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, here's some background as to what the imprisonment actually was: twas all in his head. There's the reason why I never started with action.

Let me quote a line from a comic based off one of my favorite games of all: "Reality is a story the mind tells itself. An artificial structure conjured into being by the calcium ion exchange of a million synaptic firings. A truth so strange that it can be lied into existence. And our minds CAN lie, never doubt it."

That is what I looked to (other than Frankenstein) when I wrote the prelude. He THINKS he's killed thousands. He THINKS that he has wings and a horn. THINKS. But that's just my incessant rambling.

Anyway, thanks for the review!
>> No. 93748
File 133305119328.png - (226.11KB , 500x375 , Lunasnight.png )
The Queue is closed while real life steals pony from me. Sorry to anyone who may have liked a quick review, but spring break was more activity filled than I anticipated. I'll clean up queue over the next week or so.

Current queue:

>> No. 94358
Hey, LunarShadow! Chapter Three is up and in need of pre reading. I know you said the queue is closed, so it's whenever you get around to it. You've been a big help so far, I'm willing to wait on your advice! :D

>> No. 94365
Wow. So you can read and tell that his queue is closed, but you still ask for a review? You must be brilliant. I'm not Lunar, but kindly learn that rules apply to everyone and don't be an idiot.
>> No. 94368

>posts in half the review threads on the board at once
>posts in threads with clearly closed queues

This is exactly how to win friends and influence people.
>> No. 94373
OK, High Speed. LunarShadow has been working with me for my whole story, as is evident by the fact that I thanked him by name on FIMFiction. Now, I'm not saying that he works for me or anything, but I value his opinion greatly. So yes, when I finished my next chapter, I naturally want him to read it. His influence in the previous chapters is pretty heavy, so it might throw of the vibe of the story without him(that, and I think he does a damn good job.) I know this is the internet, but I do consider him a friend, as we have had a few conversations about my story. So, asking him to read it when he gets around to it is nothing odd, I think.
Secondly, AS I SAID, I know the queue is closed, and I SAID that it's whenever he gets around to it. Your tone is completely unnecessary. If I had come in the thread and said, "OMG U HAZ TO MUST BE REVIUING MAH FICZ NOW OR U IZ JERK!" then yeah, you could call me an idiot. But I am not making demands. Merely letting an acquaintance on the site know that my new chapter is up. Again, like my post said, WHEN HE GETS AROUND TO IT! If that's tomorrow, awesome. If it's next month, cool.
And to the guy beneath you, if that isn't the same person, I posted in in the two threads of reviewers who have been working with me on my story, as well as the "Training Grounds" thread. Seeing as there are around thirty pages on this board, I hardly see how that constitutes "half the threads" there, Hero. I let the two guys who have been working with me know, then posted in one thread for anyone else.

Both of you, take a step back, look at the sky, take a deep breath, and double your medications.
>> No. 94382
There are roughly six active review threads.
You posted in three of them.
Ergo, you posted in half of the review threads.
Just thought I'd clarify that point for you since the anon was a little ambiguous.

Also, the general rule is to not post in more than two, so that other writers can get help first. Everyone gets served before on person gets seconds (or, in this case, thirds), or something like that.
>> No. 94835
File 133340032197.png - (98.64KB , 320x320 , Sip.png )
Okay, after all that waiting, here it is, you're review. 'Tis was an alright first chapter. Not stellar by any means, but with work, it would do well.

Chapter 1:

> The Blank Flank Adventurer
Story title and chapter title are usually cenetered.

> Dream Feather did not know enough about the quaint town to consider his solitude particularly strange.
Unless you know a town, being alone is by default strange imo. But, this is a preferance, so take it as you will.

> There was one thing out of place enough to catch his attention,
You suddenly go from talking about how he's alone to how something catches his attention. Work your way into it. Perhaps have him look around some, notice that it appears to be your run-of-th-mill towns. Then have him notice the poster.

> And, why do I feel like I've met this pony before?
Put this back with the rest of the thoughts.

> to report any relevant information to Twilight Sparkle at the Ponyville Library'
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Why Twilight? Why not the authorities? When a pony goes missing like this, the posters aren't going to be just in Ponyville. They'll be in other towns/cities. And I wouldn't want to walk all the way Ponyville when I could just tell the local police or guards or whatever.

> Element of Loyalty? Is that some sort of government office I have not heard of?
Ugh... I really hate how it's assumed that no pony outside of Ponyville knows about the elements. It's a friggen foals story. You'd think they'd at least get the concept of the EoH.

> The pony sat down
No, the zebra sat down. You're slapping us in the face with this. It's like saying, "oh, and just in case you didn't know, my pony is a pony." Just replace with 'He'.

> having completely forgotten
Well, I wouldn't say completely forgotten, I'd go with something along the lines of the reason taking a backseat to the present issue.

> “What do you know about this pony my good friend?“
Comma after pony.

> Of course this startled him
Please don't narrate this. It sounds like you're a third party telling us the story. Perhaps: Startled, he whirled around to face the mysterious pony. But at the same time...

> This pony had to be his friend, how else could he or she make him feel so secure?
The way you have this formatted, you're asking the reader this. Don't do it. Reword it to be a thought, because he really is asking himself.

> how else could he or she make
Deep voice seems to indicate male... generally, but in this case I would go with the male has a deep voice stereotype.

> “I don't think it's a very interesting tale, but if you want to hear it...“
Again, formatting issues right after this. Also, you kind of confuse readers with this. You start as if your starting a story, but then, YOINK! It's actually a prelude to the story. Oh, and one last thing, don't end paragraphs, or in this case, lines, with an ellipse.

> Dream Feather became lost in his memories, his voice becoming monotone,
Mmm... No. reword. Perhaps: Dream Feather stared into empty space as he lost himself in memories, his voice becoming monotone.

> ------
Err... the whole line break has too many dashes. Just three will do. (---)

> the foreword.
I think it's actually called the forward.

> almost falling off its hinges.
Boring! Have some fun and discribe it almost falling off it's hinges! 'I could hear the hinges bending and snapping.' Stuff like that.

> I slowly turned myself
No, don't use myself. Whoelse is he gonna turn? Just delete myself.

> toward the entrance of my house.
This is only here to tell us where the noise came from. Perhaps: towards the noise.

> but she looked very strange to me.
Ponies are genearlly pretty colourful in the show. So it wouldn't really be her colouration that throws him off. Maybe it's

> “Ugh, not again...“
Again, don't end like this with ellipses. Here, the easy way out would be to add a speech tag.

> She started to take in her new surroundings
She started too? How about, 'She looked around, taking in her new surroundings.'

> “Hello?“
Some diplomatic skills. I guess that reveals one thing about your character. He isn't a very good diplomat.

> the owner of the building she had just entered.
How about you shorten it to just 'me'. Honestly, don't waste words when you can be simple in some cases. There is a time and place for being long winded, but this isn't it.

> The blue pony turned her head away from me and resumed her inspection of my typewriter.
Actions can go with dialogue if the action belongs to the pony who spoke. Also, why is RD so curious in a typewriter? She's not usually interested in such. Give her a reason to be interested.

> “I think you owe me a name. And... practicing what exactly?
More like insurance information... or a new door. And also, sudden interest!

> the only pony to pull off a sonic rainboom!“
Yes, RD is a braggart, but she is pretty good at keeping it under control unless someone displays skeptisism or asks about her abilities.

> This pony seemed oddly self assured
One, you should really stop with using 'this pony' and such once you know their name. Just use their name or she/he/etc. Also, dash inbetween self and assured.

> “I have no idea what a sonic rainboom is
Your OC isn't very bright, is he? Is was big news when RD pulled one off and it's a very simple play on sonic boom.

> Why I had to pick something offensive
It's not really offensive persay. It's more awkward that he doesn't know about it.

> Have you even used those wings before?“
Oh, now we know he's a pegasus... and we still don't know who's telling the story. It could be Feather or the mysterious pony. I'm slightly confused. Just slightly.

> “I...um sorry?
This makes no sense. 'I... umm... I'm sorry?' would work better. Also, space after an ellipse.

> I also was drawn in and intrigued by her.
He's... intrigued by the pony that broke into his house, insulted him, oh, but atleast she didn't beat the living horseapples out of him. Err... sounds too much like a love at first sight beginning.

> and I going to become famous for my work.“
Reminds me of the whole 'Me Tarzan, you Jane' incident. If you read this carefully, I'm sure you can see why.

> but I've never heard of a famous author that wasn't a unicorn."
Especially since the only author in the show we know for sure is Starswirl the Bearded. Just a passing comment.

> The rainbow maned pony
First signs of LuS, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll explain at the end of the review.

> her wings to prepare them for more flying.
Again, excessive telling. You could probably delete 'to prepare them for more flying.' and still do fine.

> kept my calm and gave a soft grin
Perhaps: I kept my calm and grinned softly at her. (It flows better than what you have.)

> Rainbow Dash just gave an overexaggerated nod.
More like a bored head shake. Why is she excited?

> She giggled at the thought of bookworms, she must have considered books a complete waste of time.
You don't say, Sherlock. She pretty much said that already.

> worse waste of time then fl--
Than, not then. Then deals with time, than deals with comparision.

> I didn't get mine by sitting in a house all day!.“
Ugh... why was she staring at his flank? I get yelled at for doing that. Also, you have a !. there.

> I barely heard her give a quick “Bye“
Don't tell us exactly what she said. Perhaps: I barely heard her give a quick farewell... (In this case, he wouldn't know what was exactly said anyways. So, he would assume it was a farewell.)

> She never did bother me again.
Last time with formatting issues. You need one more line between this line and the previous.

> here who asked me about it....
Egads! Keep ellipses consistant. Only three periods.

> what happened to that girl.
In context, use mare. Or if you insist, at least use filly.

> But what is this Element of Loyalty?
I point this out again, the EoH were a foalhood story. And he should know them, especially since he's an author.

> Ponyville was less crowded than Cloudsdale
And awefully inconvienent. Why not, you know, order them? Mail out a letter to some writing company and say, "Hey, I need more ink."

> He made his way to the library, which didn't take long.
This whole paragraph doesn't make sense. You should probably reword it so it talks about wings, they make trips short, still doesn't get RD.

> "Why a library? Did they need reference materials to help them find Rainbow Dash? Or maybe she went missing near here and they hoped to find clues? And that name 'Twilight Sparkle,' I'm sure I've heard it before..."
It's stated that these are thoughts. Thoughts go in italics.

> Before he could find more words, Twilight had found her own and gave a questioning stare.
One, this sentence is poorly worded (I.E. Found her own what?). Two, you have to tell us he assumes this to be Twilight. As of right now, he just suddenly knows her name.

> Are you Twilight Sparkle?"
Ah, there it is. You should have had him ask this earlier.

> “You see news that somepony has gone missing and the first thing you do is disturb the ponies who are doing everything they can to find her?
And this is the first part where Twilight goes OOC. She wouldn't be pissed off, she'd probably be more in the mentality of 'Oh, you want to know more so you can help'.

> Her frustration at her search's lack
The frustration of her search's lack...

> It was meant to comfort himself rather than Twilight.
Wow, he does a lot of this. Unless it's super important that we know he's smiling for his own sake rather than Twilight's, don't mention it. It also makes him look inconsiderate.

> "I—I am sorry
That en dash should be an ellipse.

> I just thought-- Well I'm a writer
If you persist in using en dashes as ellipses, keep it consistant. Don't use the double dash thing here. Also, well wouldn't be capitalized.

> “I am a writer of ponyfiction
Just leave it as fiction. You write ponyfiction, he would write fiction.

> The purple pony gave him a scrutinizing look

> and decided to accept the generous offer.
Extra words. Delete them. His next action tells us that he accepts.

> the mare into the main room

> “You are correct with that assumption
Use contractions. You're. Also, this sounds a bit ooc for Twilight. I would go with "Yeah, you're right, but the explanation..."

> I've never heard of a book written by Dream Feather or any other pegasus, for that matter.“
Wow... ponyism at it's finest. Twilight of all ponies would know some authors who were pegasi. Writing is not pony race exclusive.

> She held her smile but it had
Comma after smile.

> Something which would upset me if you told me--“
Too perceptive for Twilight. Maybe she would recognize he was hiding something, but not that it was because he was afraid it would upset her.

> I hardly know about my life.“
Your OC seems to shift from smart to dim rather quickly. She wasn't asking about his life, she was asking about RD.

> The purple pony
Last time I point out LuS.

> The stress and frustration had built to the point that she was willing to do whatever it took to uncover some clue or lead.
If this is from Dream Feather's PoV, how does he know this? We only should know what Feather sees, hears, tastes, etc...

> that Dream Feather had somehow missed in his inspection of the room.
How does one miss something as strange as a baby dragon... most ponies don't walk around with baby dragons in their house. It would be obvious. Perhaps Spike had just walked down the stairs?

> to steal away Rainbow Dash
Whoa! There was no accusation that Dream Feather had kidnapped RD.

> Dream Feather was not sure why this dragon seemed to be on his side.
New paragraph.

> before opening her muzzle to respond
Mouth, not muzzle.

> Sorry sugarcube, had no idea you were hugging the door.
You later say that this is a heavy southern accent. No, this is not. If you wanted heave, at least accent the you-yah and I-Ah.

> Spike watch Dream Feather until I get back! I still have some questions for him.
Oh, he's an object now? Have her address him directly.

Some things of note:

1. There isn't much flow. Remember the small actions that lead to the big ones. Some parts seem to do one thing, then suddenly leap to the next part. What leads up to it?

2. There are some formatting issues. Mostly with splitting paragraphs and other paragraph issues. Namely, paragraphs should be split as such: New idea, new speaker, new actor, new paragraph. You have lots of splits where action by a pony is done right after said pony speaks. Those should go together unless it's a completely new idea.

3. OOC character: Twilight and RD. I know you want to show just how stressed Twilight is, but there are better ways to do so than making her a bitch. She would be more concerned, trying to drag the subject back to whether Dream Feather has news on RD and such. She also wouldn't yell without good reason. As for RD, she sticks around way too long in a stranger's house. She shows too much curiousity in stuff she wouldn't really be curious in, such as the typewriter. I mean, she isn't as rude as to invite herself in to examine a stranger's belongings.

4. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: using mane/coat colour, a specific trait, or race to tell us what pony is doing what. Don't do this unless the Main Character doesn't know the pony. Otherwise, don't be afraid to throw in he/she/his/her/etc...

5. Ellipses, you are inconsistant with them and try to replace some of them with en dashes and double dashes. One, don't end paragraphs with them. Two, if there's a significant pause, longer than a comma's pause, use an ellipse. Also, it's used to indicate st... stuttering. Also, don't forget the space after them.

6. Watch out for speech tags. They're nice, but you can do without overusing 'he said, she said, he said' type phrases. The actions afterwards will tell us how given dialogue was said. The quotations tell us that there was somepony speaking.

Not much happens in the first chapter and that'll scare people away. You're Oc is shallow. Perhaps part of chapter 1 should be giving at least a history of him. Where was he born? What's his hobby? Etc... I hear Vanner's thread (First post in his thread) has an excellant post on OC ponies. Go give it a visit. Other than that, the concept is great... if you'd tell us why RD is missing.

Okay, now here's what I'm gonna do, I'm going to leave this here and stop the review. You have plenty to work on in chapter 1 and the six points I make will apply to the other chapters. Go through and apply the six points to those other chapters before coming back to pchan for another review. It'll save you a lot of time, trust me. Oh, and having your OC be a grown up blank flank screams sue. It's just saying "I want to leave it open to interpetation so I can ensure he gets the bestest, coolest cutie mark ever!" You'd better have a good reason for him being a blank flank.

Keep writing my good friend!
>> No. 94957
File 133348155438.jpg - (78.75KB , 600x600 , Lunacurious.jpg )

Very short review in doc.

Okay, when you said it'd been sitting a long time, you weren't kidding. I could almost see the dust on it. Also, pre-reading your own work, especially a piece this short, is not too much to ask. You're probably not a native English speaker, just taking a guess right now. As such, what I have to say will probably have you rewritting most of the story anyways. That is why I stopped reviewing so quickly. The errors are just too... numerous.

Some things of note:

1. Placement of events: you seem to forget that things happen in steps. Now, you don't have to go all out and describe every little event leading up to an event, but I do expect that you take the time to take Rarity places. I.E. Don't just have her appear places, like that part with the letter. Have her walk to the front door and see the letter. Stuff like that will make your story that much better if your character doesn't just appear places. You also have an issue with adding in things. For example, you have Rarity walk into the bathroom, suddenly be blinded, and takes a shower. You need to rearrange that so she walks in, is blinded, [action that shows her regaining her sight], takes a shower.

2. Formatting: You write dialogue and thoughts incorrectly, you have some inconsistency with paragraphs, you have paragraphs that need to be split. First, dialogue, it needs quotation marks, "like so." Second, thoughts should be in italics. Third, sometimes you have that extra line between paragraphs, sometimes you don't. Choose one style or the other. Fourth, new idea, new speaker, new actor, new paragraph.

3. Show vs. Tell: You do a lot of telling such as 'Rarity got out of bed.' and 'Rarity couldn't believe it'. Show us this. A good example of Rarity not believing something shocking: Rarity's eyes widened in shock and she gasped, nearly dropping the letter.

Find and destroy the mundane descriptions. Yes, there are times for them, but not here.

4. Mechanics: Again, you forget the quotation marks, italic thoughts. You also misuse the ellipse. Don't end paragraphs with them, they are used mostly for significant pauses in speech. There are other uses, but I doubt you'll be using it for anything other than long pauses.

5. Rarity is out of character. She just... seems like you're trying to make her lady like and trying to tone it down at the same time. Unfortunately, you'll have to go elsewhere for help with her. I am no good with Rarity.


Oh yes, this needs work. Way to much work for me to review without hold your hand. That's not my job, though sometimes it does feel like it. I would highly suggest a complete rewrite after you look at some information on writing. I hear the training grounds OP has some useful links. Go check it out.

I wish you luck!
>> No. 95650
Just in case these authors didn't see the finished reviews of their stories.


Yes, both are short, I know.

Review done, he knows and has given me feedback



>>92176 - I'll take another look from where I left off and get a little further, but the options still stand. I would like an answer asap.

>>94358 - Thank you anon and Ion for talking to the guy, but I did extend an invitation for him to come back. I've been working with him on the previous two chapters and it'd be a shame if I didn't see this through a bit further.

QUEUE IS OPEN TOMORROW ONLY OR FOR THE FIRST 5 AUTHORS WANTING REVIEWS. After that, I'll be running this thread to autosage by nabbing fics from ttg.
>> No. 95658
I can take both option 2 or 3.

The 3rd one works fine with me, if you are willing to go with it. I've noticed a few things from some of the comments you've left so far (I haven't been able to go through all of them), but it's up to you.

My only problem with option 2 is that my time for the next 3~ weeks is going to be somewhat limited because I have 3 big projects to turn in before the end of the month for this semester, so it would take me a while to get back to you on that regard.

So, I guess I can boil it down to this. If you don't mind, option 3. If you feel the volume of comments is starting to become excessive, I can make work with what you do for the time being (eventually) and come back with a somewhat revised version using what I got from there.
>> No. 95675
Thanks for the review! Can't you see the rest though? It's a bit longer now, and it should be slightly better
>> No. 95685
File 133380553333.png - (172.03KB , 900x684 , us_army_earth_pony_by_southparktaoist-d4fsi5q.png )

And I'm sorry for causing hassle in your thread. From now on I'll wait my turn in the queue.
>> No. 95693
File 133381198861.jpg - (14.42KB , 247x200 , Yesyou.jpg )

Review in doc.

Some things of note:

1. You suffer just a bit from LuS, not too serious and easily fixable.

2. You seem to develop a slight issue with paragraphs, again, not too bad, but still. Remember: New idea, new character, new speaker, new paragraph.


Other than that, this was a pretty good chapter. It was probably my favorite chapter so far. Oh, and any luck with EqD?

Keep writing my friend! I can't wait for chapter 4.
>> No. 95699
Thanks for the review!

Yeah, the whole LuS thing is kicking my butt. Another reviewer told me hat it mainly refers to physical descriptions. The lavendar unicorn, the marshmallow mare, the multi-hued Pegasus. But it's ok if it refers to personality traits. The fashionista, the daredevil, the apple farmer. Is that not true? I just get paranoid about repeating names and pronouns.

Also, what I did at the end, making new mini paragraphs for the physical descriptors. I though that would add a little more impact to the scene. You think it detracts? I know it's a little cheap to use format to add emotion, you should do that with your writing. But I thought it really worked there.

And it made it to the EqD pre readers. I'm nervous as hell! I never thought I could be this worked up about a piece of fiction! :)
>> No. 95703
File 133381629824.jpg - (2.35KB , 125x71 , 131966215062s.jpg )
>this thread to autosage by nabbing fics from ttg
>dat implication

Would you take email requests?
>> No. 95705
I posted the first 4 chapters of "Moving On" at
http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/viewstory.php?sid=939 , with a total of 3600 words.

This story begins 20 years in the future, when Twilight meets Celestia's second star pupil since herself, a despicably cute little filly named Starflower who is not important to the story. Twilight has continued to work very hard, but now finds herself middle-aged, single, no longer in touch with Celestia, no longer respected by academics or the public, and unable to relate to any of her old friends, who now have families of their own.

She realizes that the pursuit of knowledge is not enough to make her happy, and feels like she's wasted her life. Something has to change. She goes to see Luna, who, it turns out, can understand Twilight's feelings very well. (In chapter 5, not yet posted. Sorry.) The two of them resolve they are going to work on their problems together.

Looking at the chapter viewcounts, it looks like only 1 in 4 readers goes from chapter 1 to chapter 2. That's low. I've revised chapter 1, but I still don't think it grabs the reader the way a first chapter ought to do. Maybe there's a way to re-order the events - but this story doesn't have any fights or car chases or even arguments in it; nothing to explode on page 1 and hook someone.
>> No. 95714
I can't make conjectures about the "running thread into autosage", but as for the sticky bit:

is the sticky. It's the one that says "PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING", in red, at the top of the page.
>> No. 95715

I've always been told to avoid it entirely, but I could be wrong. And good luck! This is one of the few HiEs I actually hope gets to EqD.


Yes, e-mail requests by certain authors and certain authors who can find me on the Canternet IRC.

> dat implication
Confusion! Are you saying I can't finish off less than 20 posts between what I have now and what I'll be taking from ttg?


I will gladly look through your story. Yeah, 1 in 4 making it to chapter two? That's pretty low. I'll see what I can do to help.

> What does that mean?
Hitting autosage is when posts in this thread will no longer bump it to the front page for all to see. The bump limit is 400 posts and I'm sitting at about 380.

> I can't find the sticky.
Main page of /fic/. Just click on the link and it's the first post.
>> No. 95938
More like, you'll be running this thread to autosage so that you can shut it down properly, for good. D=
>> No. 95986
File 133391077622.png - (89.79KB , 669x669 , LunaFilly.png )

Chapter 1:

> to the adorable little nag.
One, that to should be for. Two, I would replace little nag with something kinder. I know what you're going for, but you're probably giving the wrong impression by calling Starflower a nag.

> But on that day, she was not.
Move back with the previous paragraph. Perhaps: But today, she was not. (It's smoother.)

> had in practice a narrower
had, in practice, a narrower

> iron bookshelves
Iron seems impractical for bookshelves given the era.

> than a few of the gray hairs
Delete 'of the'

> get her hooves dirty and pony the registration desk
Pony the registration desk? Hmm?

> the librarian was staring at.
Watch out for LuS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome). I'll explain in my things of final note.

> stood a stately white alicorn
We know who Celestia is. No need to describe her to us.

> unicorn filly, standing just in front of two tall white
Comma splice. Seperate the two sentences.

> and just behind the sign that said "PLEASE FORM SINGLE LINE HERE".
Why do we care about the sign? Unless it's absolutely vital that we know about the sign, you don't need to mention it. Plus, many people know what a library checkout line looks like.

> "Y-Your Majesty!"
That second 'Y' should be lowercase.

> "Please," Celestia said. "Do continue."
This seems too... sarcastic? Cynical? Celestia would say something like: "Please, don't let me interupt."

> and galloped away
No running in the library!

> Twilight shouted.
No shouting in the library!

> but three feet of oak desk
I really dislike using feet as a unit of measurment in pony fan fiction. They don't really have a real concept of feet. Thus, they woudn't have anything to base the measurment off of. Use a meter.

> Which was probably a good thing
What, is she going to attack the Princess?

> Shh," Celestia cautioned
You caution someone when there's an important reason to, such as you really don't want to be overheard. This is hardly a moment for caution.

> the princess said,
People tend to capitalize the p in the Princess.

> It wasn't this filly's fault
Just replace 'this filly's' with 'her'

> - which Sunflower was probably not even aware of -
Those dashes should be commas.

> magicking a small grey card out of nowhere
It's a law of magic that things don't just come from nowhere. Perhaps she levitated it out from somewhere?

> I think I can take this nice lady at her word.
Twilight is not one to joke about the Princess's status as Princess. And she certainly wouldn't use lady. It's OOC.

> I'm assigning her books from the royal library.
Point: Why does she need a public library card if she could just use the Royal Library. I know you say it's symbolic, but, it also doesn't make any real sense. Perhaps simply change the setting to the Royal Library instead of the public library.

> Twilight practically wagged her tail.
Dogs wag their tail, ponies do not. Also, ponies do not use their tail to convey feelings really. In the show, they do a good job with facial expressions.

> be relevant myself,
You can delete that myself/comma combo.

> "If it's excitement you want, we just unpacked the new edition of the Encyclopedia Equestria!
*LunarShadow snorts in slight laughter* Typical Twilight...

> overwork the poor dears."
Dears? Rarity, what are you doing talking for Celestia?

> Odd. Twilight had never
Comma after odd. Also, you should rephrase this to be Twilight thinking it. (Remember, if you do this, put it in italics and give it a new paragraph.)

> Impress her?
Thoughts are in italics. Also, you'll need to specify who's thinking in this case.

> "Right here," she finished.
This goes back with the previous paragraph as such. "... right here," she finished.

> Chapter End Notes:
The end notes ask questions! Questions! No, no, no. Readers came here to read, not ask questions. I, as a reviewer came in to answer questions and this review should answer those questions without me directly addressing them.

Chapter 2:

> her assistant Nickerdoodle
Comma after assistant. Also, what sort of name is Nickerdoodle? Just curious. It doesn't sound very library assistanty.

> put the few chairs up on the
Few chairs? I thought you said that this library was decent sized. I would think it would have more than a few chairs.

> (After much consideration, Twilight had re-shelved Celestia's writings under "ancient authors", because she had done most of her writing over five hundred years ago. It seemed more dignified to Twilight. Still, she hoped Celestia hadn't noticed.)
Hehe... funny. But I would still reword. Also, I would find a way to lose the parentheses if I were you.

> Celestia was one of the least-read of the ancient authors, because she had written the most.
This makes no sense. She's the least read because... she has the most writing?

> If you began reading her earliest writings
Do not address the reader. I usually replace you's with one. 'If one began reading... when one was young... etc...

> old age, assuming she didn't
I would replace that comma with a period and change the next sentence to something like: That was assuming...

> on coming across one line in modern Equestrian
This is out of place in the paragraph. Or, you derped some words.

In fact, from this point to the end of the paragraph, it doesn't make sense.

> Did Celestia really think Twilight cared about these things only in order to impress her?
Nope, don't ask the reader questions. They aren't in the story. Rephrase it to be Twilight thinking it so she's asking herself.

HOLD THE PRESSES! STOP! END REVIEW! I have what I need to give you an assesment of why readers aren't continuing on.

Okay, first, some final things of note:

1. LuS, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Using mane/coat colour, a specific trait, the race of a pony to describe who's doing what. It's only okay if the pony from who's PoV we're in doesn't know the other pony you're describing. Use pronouns!

2. Celestia seems out of character. She strikes me as incredibly cynical. From what little she has, she treats everypony as "Oh, I have to deal with you... while, I don't want to."

3. Grammar: It's not my strong suite, but you seem to want to use dashes as commas occasionally. You also add in or miss commas. Other than that, I can't add much.


Here's why readers aren't continuing on. You have nothing happen in chapter 1. You're synopsis is lacking, bringing up things not worth mentioning. If Starflower isn't important, don't mention her. She'll make her appearances, and stuff will happen.

Okay, you say, "Yes, I do have things happening in chapter 1. Didn't you read?" Yes, I did read. You described the library, leaving me a semi-filled description. You had part of an argument, which wasn't really important. You have Celestia come in to get Starflower her library card. That's it. It doesn't really reveal anything except Twilight's age and a character you said isn't important. You need a hook, something to draw readers in. You mention, in passing, a tid bit of history that Celestia wrote, which I suspect is the actual important part in the story, yet you skip over it. Perhaps you should expand there. Oh, and have your characters do something besides talk. Make them walk, make them them hug, idk, just make them do action. I couldn't get through chapter 2 because you start off with an irrelavent info dump. Don't do this. We don't care how long it would take to read all of Celestia's work.

Overall, your story comes off as an info story that I would read if I were looking for facts about Celestia's boring life. It's very cut and dry, leaving no room for anything to happen. My final word of advice, expand, expand, expand.

Keep writing my friend. You can make this work, but if you're looking for readers, you need to pander to the readers, and they want action. They do not want just dialogue.



Perhaps. If I do open up a new thread, it won't be for a while. I have a list of people I'll be giving my pony e-mail to send fics to for private reviews.
>> No. 96034
File 133393019879.jpg - (10.60KB , 200x200 , LunaSings.jpg )
*sigh* Guess opening up my thread didn't work. Come on people, 12 to autosage. I'm taking the next few stories. Probably next 4 will be able to run me to autosage.

>> No. 96052
OK, LunarShadow. On the advice of a few people who said my story didn't flowq right, I've decided to overhaul it. Basically, I've combined a few scenes and added a few paragraphs. So, I'm really just asking for a mini-review. If you could please look at my first chapter again, I'd appreciate it. It's all stuff you've read before, but I added a little at the end.

>> No. 96063
Hey there! I'm just trying to get this fic out there and reviewed! Anyway, it says the queue is open, and I intend to take full advantage of that. Would you mind looking over my story?

Here's the standard form:

Tags: [Adventure][Dark]

Synopsis: When Celestia mysteriously falls ill, the ponies of Equestria are stunned. Knowing that alicorns don't fall sick naturally, the mane six are determined to find out what, or who, is causing this. As Twilight Sparkle sets off on her own to find a cure (with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Spike secretly following), Luna struggles to rule Equestria without her sister by her side. Rarity starts pulling connections she'd made in Canterlot on previous visits to try and dig up any clues, and Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy return to Ponyville for more research.

Simultaneously, strange occurrences start to happen in Equestria, as Derpy and other Ponyville residents soon come to notice, and just where are the Cutie Mark Crusaders going this time? (Cutie Mark Crusaders Princess Savers, yeah!)

Meanwhile, deep within the depths of a forgotten mountain, an old enemy is stirring once more, his bonds finally weakening. With a dark chuckle, his plan, after millennia of waiting, is at last thrown into action.

Link to All Chapters:

It'd be amazing if you could review all the chapters, but it's completely okay if you only review one or two.

The pre-readers at Equestria Daily said:
1) Your formatting could use some revision. When Luna is speaking to others or thinking to herself, you don't need to split her individual thoughts to their own paragraphs. You can consolidate a great deal of that.
2) Flat writing. There is a lot of 'First this. Then that. Over here. Then there. Then this happened.'
3) Scene setting. Your ponies seem to exist in a vacuum. There's no scenery to be had! Show us where the ponies are. Describe a vividly beautiful world. Show us, through your eyes and the eyes of the characters the castle. Celestia's chambers. How she looks as she lays bedridden. How the toll affects Luna.

Hopefully this isn't quite as applicable as it was before, as I've gone back and done some major editing, but I'm still nearly positive that the fic is not yet up to par for the standards of EQD, and I'd like to know what more I can do to improve upon it. If you choose to review this, then thank you very much!
>> No. 96097