Discuss fanfiction, get writing advice, or get your story reviewed

Search /fic/ threads

Name  
Email  
Subject  
Message  
File     
Password  (for post and file deletion)

File 132536162293.png - (12.56KB , 111x206 , Title.png )
75188 No. 75188
>Even though the ideal is high, I never give in. Therefore, I never die with regrets.

The time is right, I feel, to create my own thread in which I will attempt to help writers.

If you wish to be among those that I attempt to help, then post a link to your story in this thread. For your convenience and mine, however, I have several rules and guidelines that you should abide by:

1. Though your story need not be related to this fandom, you should give me some indication what I'm about to read. A title, tags, and short summary are considered polite, but omitting them is not grounds for dismissal (bear in mind that Rule 5 still applies). However, you only have yourself to blame if I suffer from genre confusion. Similarly, you will give me a link to the story on GoogleDocs, FimChan, Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt, or any comparable web-hosting. I will not download any attachments in this thread. For assurance purposes, you should provide me with an email address that I can send my critiques to in case Ponychan goes down.

2. I will try, in this thread, to detach myself from what I am reading in order to give a paradoxically unbiased opinion. However, certain content is unacceptable by Ponychan's standards. This content, to my knowledge, includes graphic sex and excessive gore. For my own preference, I am broadening the former category to include any story that focuses more on sex than romance and the latter to anything that focuses more on the result of violence than the actual violence itself.

3. You have the right to hear honest feedback about your story, and I have the right to give that honesty. I make no promise to pander to your emotions. If I tell you your story needs work, then that is an indication of a fledgling success, not of failure. I will not lie and tell you a mediocre story is great. I will not seek to destroy your story, either. If you don't think you are able to handle criticism, please do not waste both your time and mine.

4. Special high priority will be given to stories that I like, stories by individuals that I like, and to stories that have been to a reviewer already—provided that you provide me with a link to the review. Special low priority will be given to longer stories or stories that have multiple chapters submitted at once. There is no "hard cap" to wordcount, however, if you give me an extraordinarily long story all at once, I will not break my back to do your review "ASAP."

5. I have the right to reject a story on any grounds. This is not a rule I hope to invoke often, but I would rather have a rule and not need it than the converse of that situation. Miscellaneous reasons for this might be if I perceive your story as a so-called "trollfic", if I note that you are spamming every review thread on the front page, or if the story is generally incomprehensible. However, that list is not exhaustive.


At any rate, I believe that about covers the mechanics of this thread. I hope to be of service.
120 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 80791
>>80790
There's only the canon* ones.
>> No. 80897
Hello, and good evening.

Anyone who has been watching this thread (meaning, the people I have failed in getting a timely review to) has probably noticed the sharp decline in speed of review turnaround.

Basically, I no longer have the time to commit to reviewing stories as I need to in order to justify having my own thread.

So... rather than continue to waste peoples' time with slow reviews that don't have the level of quality to justify the low speed, I've decided to close my queue.

I will finish reviewing

>>79649
and
>>80230

tonight, but for the time being, my queue is now closed.

I hope that I was of some help to the twenty-or-so people I actually managed to get a review out to.
>> No. 80898
>>80897
You were.
>> No. 80913
File 132799613007.png - (305.75KB , 720x820 , 131083046209.png )
80913
>>80897
You indeed were, Nick. Thanks a lot for the reviewing you've done for me, I very much appreciate it! Thank you. You were of great help.
>> No. 80914
Agreed with the two above statements of your review being helpful. :)
>> No. 80919
REMINDER: QUEUE IS CLOSED

>>79649
>Only reviewing the first chapter because I found some problems in it, which would create a flawed premise for me to continue reading under.

Plot Summary
Rainbow Dash is bored, so she visits Twilight. And she gets a crush on Twilight.

Critiques
First thing first, your style in the beginning is rather grating. You use "she" as a subject for... I want to say ten sentences in a row, and... that's not the best thing to do so early on---you're creating a barrier to keep people out if you don't draw them in. Granted, it was an interesting hook despite your stilted narration, so I don't want to say it failed as an intro, but it was definitely weaker than it should be in that all-too-important part of the story.


Next up, your characters' dialogue... doesn't feel like the characters from the show. Dash is a too self-critical, Twilight is too forward, and all in all, I'm having trouble differentiating their voices from one another. Most of the dialogue is also... flat-sounding, meaning I don't perceive much emotion from it.


But, the part that I take most issue with in this story, your plot...

>Dash couldn't pinpoint why she fell so hard for Twilight if she tried.
I have something else in common with Dash: I can't pinpoint it, either.

And I read that part like five times.


My main issue with this story is the shallowness of their relationship. I don't mean the immaturity of the relationship; they just met. That's fine. But there's literally no point at which Dash realizes, "Oh, I like Twilight more than a friend." Her opinions of Twilight progress from:

-Oh, fuck... I'm so bored, I GUESS I'll hang out with Twilight

to

-Huh. Twilight's cool! I'm going to blow off my best friend for the record: "Wat?" to go hang out with her.

to

-*blush* We're... alone in this library...


The whole thing feels shallow and contrived, like you wanted to write a shipfic, but you forgot to add in the depth that makes this believable.


Moving on, there's a lot of things that don't make sense to me from a plot standpoint. Mainly, Fluttershy going off on her own (though I guess Spike is there) to go deal with dragons. I mean... she's cute and all, but she's also a coward. Remember Dragonshy? She needed five other ponies to practically drag her to the dragon's den, and only near the end did she snap at him. Granted, she DID step up to the plate in the end, but I would say that's a far cry from being cured of her phobia.

Next, why does Dash just... blow off Applejack like that? First and foremost, Applejack should see right through that lie, instantly: it's not like Rainbow Dash is ever bending over backwards to do anything nice for Scootaloo. Secondly... the running of the _______ only happens three times a year (with Winter Wrap Up being the other seasonal event), so... that's a fairly big event to blow AJ off over. I'll grant you that, canonically, Dash does get somewhat obsessed over her "new friends" when she befriends them so that she can blow off her "old friends," but I think that it's implied that Gilda's one of those friends you have from grade school that shows up once you're in high school and is a completely different person than when you WERE friends, so that isn't quite the same situation that you present in this chapter.


I also dislike how emotionless this story is. You give a lot of Dash's reactions to things that happen, but you don't quite dwell on them enough to give them any sort of weight. If she DID betray her friend (which again, I'm saying is a terrible addition to have to the story), she'd definitely be a lot more bent out-of-shape over it. Similarly, if she's falling in lesbians Yes, Vimbert, I took your terminology for it >:) with Twilight Sparkle, you really should present those feelings in a more concrete manner. Now, from the rest of your synopsis, I can only assume that there is some sort of angsty inner turmoil around the corner, but honestly, that seems to me like it's out-of-order: you have them getting to know each other, Dash being nervous around Twilight, and THEN Dash obsessing over Twilight.


Suggestions
First, make the intro flow better. That should be simple enough; a little bit of revision to vary sentence structure, and bam.

Make the characters more in-character, first and foremost. I can go read Danielle Steel if I want to read a romance that isn't related to My Little Pony, but you also say that this is, so I'm going to hold you to that classification.

After that, fix up the plot so that it makes more sense: in this chapter alone, you've got two plot devices that stand out as not making sense (Fluttershy and Applejack). They do serve some purpose (getting rid of Spike for the slumber party and giving the story a more organic feeling, respectively), but they do it in a way that makes me go "HUH?" as a reader.

And finally... work on giving emotions to this story. I'd like to think that emotions to a romance story are like violent action to an adventure story---it's why people read it in the first place. But there's a distinct lack of romance in the first chapter, especially given how "far" their relationship progresses, and I think that is a problem.


And that's all I've got. I hope you find something in this useful.
>> No. 81032
>>80230

>Sees the Human in Equestria tag.
>Hoo boy

Plot Synopsis
I'll start this by being blunt: I didn't read this. I skimmed it to see if there was anything notable of a plot other than "Brony #8951 gets transported to Equestria." There wasn't.

Alex gets stabbed, then wakes up in Equestria and spends like 10k words being doted on by Twilight Sparkle.


Critiques
To continue, I'm going to copy-and-paste something from another review, because it applies to your story.

First and foremost, your grammar isn't that bad. Partly because you're not that bad (I've seen native speakers who are worse writers), but mainly because even if this was grammatically spotless, there'd still be very little incentive for anyone to read.

Human. In. Equestria. Is. Boring.

I've only ever read two "human gets transported to Equestria" stories that were actually enthralling, and that was because the authors worked very hard to deviate from the norm. Hell, one of these was a Sonic crossover, but the author worked hard on making the plot about redemption... anyway, my point is that if you're just going to write the "I woke up a pony, what is going on here?" part of the story, I'm not interested.

So, you need to make this story more than that. I know it's not fair, but there are literally hundreds of other stories that start just like this one, and frankly, because you didn't do it first, now you've got the pressure to do it better.

Suggestions
My most pressing advice is to write something more unique.

I mean... honestly, I read the prologue. It wasn't that bad to read your narration about your life. It's just... I've read this story what feels like twenty time before. If there's one bit of suggestion I could give to this story, it's that you spend too much time immobilized and the plot doesn't really "go anywhere." But fixing that would be akin to putting a bit of tape on a broken dam. You need to, frankly, write something that's worth fixing, that people are going to want to read (if you're hoping to publish something). In terms of style, you're adequate for the story that's presented, so I think that if you want to improve, you need to have something that will challenge you as a writer.

You're not a bad writer. You just made a fairly mediocre choice for your first foray into My Little Pony fanfiction.

I hope this helps you.
>> No. 81035
>>80919
>>81032
And with those... this thread has served as much purpose as I can give it, barring responses and/or discussions with any previously-reviewed authors.

We'll meet again soon.
>> No. 81123
>>81032
Thank you very much for taking your time to read it !
I understand your reaction, it's pretty hard to get a review for a story like this :)

@ "anyway, my point is that if you're just going to write the "I woke up a pony, what is going on here?" part of the story, I'm not interested."

Well, since the story I planned will be pretty big, this is pretty much what it's all about at the moment. It saddens me that you didn't had the opportunity to read more of it and spot a bit of a plot. It's not much frankly, but it's starting to get there, and from all the HIE fics I've read, it seems quite unique to me. But that could be just me :D

I will continue to write on it, I was amazed by the reaction it stirred from the fimfiction community, I was expecting like 100 readers and 10 trackers or something like that :) At this point though I am not doing it for numbers or anything, I just want to get the story from my head and onto 'paper'. If I have at least one person that will read it once its finished and smiles, I will feel that it was time well spent.

Thanks again for your review !

Alex
>> No. 93245
File 133282768005.png - (12.55KB , 111x206 , Title 2.png )
93245
>It is nothing else than the principle of the man who has the reason for being.

Until the end of the week, I am reviewing stories here again.

The original five rules are still in effect, and I will clarify that I reserve the right to take longer than 24-hours to review a story if need be.
>> No. 93247
Eh, might as well. I've never had one of my stories reviewed/preread before, so this will be an experience. This is also my first Sadfic, so I'm aiming to get some help from various reviewers.



Title: The Mourning Sun
Tags: Sad/Tragedy/Slice of Life
Description: Princess Celestia is haunted by memories of the past, and they are taking their toll on the demigod. This is the story of the Alicorn's darkest hours and the version of Equestrian history that nopony has ever heard before.

Google Docs
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-EnZfw6mKoA98hZXaohREzkeu8PTIt6MjRRF5l5Nwvk/edit

Keep in mind this is just the prologue, the first chapter in a three chapter story.
>> No. 93248
Hello, TTG seems rather backed up atm, so I thought I'd try some review threads.
TTG post is here >>92485

Title: Neo-Equestria
Tags: [Alternative Universe] [Adventure] [Dark]
Summary: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.
However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.
Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.

Links:
FIMFiction:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8505/Neo-Equestria
Google.doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GOmFmn2et6XZ_i3yYOzae-FtuZEWAKzM32vHKDGczrw/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/184Ix_NP9Gg2kJJKiwgg1kd3vgf-DJhTYEuXY_cKgzpM/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/191lJip2UjZBgGvJLkUgvQn6g1v_EAPqtJYb0ziD9CJQ/edit

EQD Pre-reader comments.

---

Dear Author:

Good morning! I'm Pre-reader 23-ish and I'll be going over your story today.

[List of Issues]

1) Capitalization issues. In Applejack's lingo, Ah is I and therefore should be capitalized. A few times, you don't.
2) Punctuation issues. Should have a comma after bed.
“Why ain’t you in bed missy?”
3) Scene building. You've set up a plausible alternate reality Equestria. Now give us the details. You need to describe things better; right now, most of the story seems to occur in a vacuum. You speed right along and stick two ponies in a room and have them talk. But what about the room? What about the lighting? Time of day? Carpet? Tables? Anything? When I read this story, almost everything occurs in a white box with the ponies moving around in it. Give me the details.
4) Along that line, you still need to describe the ponies themselves. If this is an Alternate Reality Equestria, how are THEY different? ARE they different? We need to know.
I think that is my primary complaint... you've built the skeleton of a world but not put much flesh on the bones. Same for the ponies, too.

[Suggested Fixes]
I think this story has potential, and I think you might need a bit of help to realize it. I'd like you to take your story to Ponychan and ask for a full review. Share with them my comments above, and see if they agree (I think they will). Then ask how to help flesh things out in terms of scenery, wardrobe, etc.
When you resubmit, include a link to the review thread so we can take a look at their thoughts as well.

---

Couple of things you might like to know:
This was reviewed by four reviewers on these boards before submission. If you would like to see these reviews just let me know, I have a copy of them saved somewhere.
Also, the story is still in MintyRest's queue (I think...)

Cheers mate.
>> No. 93250
File 133283067548.jpg - (1.02MB , 2550x3299 , Just Over the Horzine fimfiction.jpg )
93250
>>93245

Hello there. This is the first story I've ever written, but Vimbert The Unimpressive took a look at it, verbally slapping me senseless when I requested a vindictive review the second time around.

Getting another opinion on this would be nice before I try submitting it to EqD again.

Here's the more recent review he did for chapter 1: >>73937
The review he did for chapter 2 is gone (as the thread it was on is also gone).

Now, as a heads up, this is a crossover. It's mixing MLP with the game Killing Floor. Considering the nature of the game, I'm not sure if it would be in violation of rule #2 or not, but I felt it would be better to submit it here, rather than do nothing. If you do turn it down, I understand.

Tags: [Crossover][Grimdark][Sad][Tragedy][Sci-fi][Humans in Equestria][Ponies on Earth][Adventure][Shipping]
Summary: A government-funded science experiment has gone horribly wrong, and London is now infested with zombies that are slaughtering and devouring anything in their path. As a last resort, a lone scientist jumps into a portal in search of help. What he finds, however, is nothing he ever expected.
Meanwhile, the Summer Sun Celebration is just around the corner, and Twilight Sparkle hopes that this year's festivities will go off without a hitch. If she only knew of the grotesque future that lay in wait for her.
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14Axsr7uq-jhiB-j-CVDM4e621iMRMuVTNLmzkGC3FjE/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lx4snAZ3fS5tqXRgvczrpvccL3Wb2zJ7C4O6I683xqM/edit?hl=en_US

I'll be adding your email to the list of commenters and such.
>> No. 93253
>>93250

Applejack_is_WELDING_this_DOAR.png

God that game was impossible to take seriously.
>> No. 93256
>>93247
Plot Summary
During a lesson about illumination spells, Celestia struggles to keep it together because she's remembering Luna. After the lesson, Twilight starts asking questions about Luna's imprisonment, and the chapter ends as Twilight falls asleep in a very cute manner.

Critiques
The first problem that I had with this story was how Twilight and Celestia are actually talking about the Mare in the Moon incident. I'm pretty sure that this violates show canon, as in the show, she has to look up both the story of the Mare in the Moon and and the "Elements of Harmony." I get a very strong vibe from the show that the first episode is her first exposure to that story, so it definitely feels weird to have her bring it up.


Actually, scratch that, it feels weird to have her bring it up even if the show didn't exist. See, insofar as the third-person omniscient narrator you've got going, it's fine that I know everything that's going on in Celestia's mind. But Twilight accidentally bringing up the EXACT thing that Celestia's torn up about really throws up flags. I grant you suspension of disbelief, but at the same time, for a story that dwells on Celestia's emotions, she finds herself incredulous at the words of her pupil a little too often throughout this story.

In short, it feels contrived.


Moving on, your characters are very flat. Celestia's sad and Twilight's inquisitive/cute. Ironically, for a story that's about the emotions of Celestia, the delivery on them comes across as very forced. You've got body language and inner thoughts, but at the same time, as a reader, I can't help but shake the feeling that you are hitting me in the face with a "sad hammer" and telling me that this is sad.

Probably the main reason for that is that Celestia switches emotions far too quickly for an ages-old being.

I mean, I can get that she regrets doing everything to her sister and all, but at the same time, she's had almost 1000 years to cope, and if anything, her plan is coming to fruition: there's the element of magic right there in the room with her. Her emotions are so far detached from the actions and dialogue at times that it feels unnatural, and it's quite difficult to empathize with something that doesn't feel real.


The ending felt really flat and contrived, also; I mean, without empathy or understanding how either of the characters got into their current emotional state, I don't care that Twilight's falling asleep okay, she's adorable, but that's Lauren Faust's cute character design, not your work saying "friend!" as Celestia bawls her eyes out.

And that's a problem.


Suggestions
I'd strongly recommend omitting the "Tell me about how you imprisoned your sister in the moon!" part of this chapter. It feels out of place and out of canon, so really, it's just holding this back.

Next, with or without that gone, I'd set some goals for this chapter. Is this chapter about Celestia feeling torn up about what she did to her sister? You can accomplish that without Twilight even being there. In fact, I almost recommend that; all that Twilight is right now is a tape recorder with "1001 Sad Questions to ask Our Noble Leader."

Finally, however you decide to replan the sequence of events in this, fix your emotions. Make the emotions affect the dialogue and the dialogue affect the emotions. That's the key to making this feel natural; after all, that feedback cycle is the basis of human interaction. As of right now, Celestia's mildly unstable, and honestly, it makes me worried about her (is she insane?) as opposed to, "Man, I can't even imagine what it would be like to imprison your sister like that."

I wish you good luck.
>> No. 93257
>>93248
>>93250
>Jesus, those tags.
>> No. 93259
>>93248
Okay, my question is this: how much fixing up have you done between the draft that got rejected and the draft that is in front of me right now?

I remember you in the storyforge asking about capitalizing "ah" (and now that I actually read it, I entirely agree---an uncapitalized "ah" is mildly confusing). But aside from a few grammar derps (you need to capitalize every sentence in dialogue. Example:

>"Please stay for a while Mr. Soarin," Applejack pleaded, "let me thank you somehow."
"Let me thank you somehow" is its own complete thought, so it should be its own sentence. Capitalize

>"But you gotta be quiet alright? ah got some work that needs doin’.”
Regardless of your stance on "Ah" vs. "ah," this one is at the start of a sentence.

)

the writing's fairly clean.


My main point of confusion is that you got rejected for "not enough scene building," but there is a substantial amount of that in here... actually, I was about to point out that you do it a bit passively and/or redundant at times.

So, I guess, can you give me a brief detailing of what all you changed since you got rejected from EQD?



One note I will mention is "pollution." Why would magical gems emit pollution? If they're a magical energy source, even mining would be pollution-free after the first generation refining, when they switch to gem-powered mines/refineries. Think about it in terms of wood versus coal: it took X amount of wood-powered steam engines to mine for coal effectively, but then they switched over to coal, which is more efficient than wood. After that switch, wood pollution is almost minimal (though it's not a perfect metaphor, because coal pollutes but I'm not sure about why gems do).
>> No. 93261
>>93259
Oh wow, you work quickly my friend.
I've actually done pretty much nothing since the EQD rejection, I figured I'd get a in depth review as suggested before I start changing stuff and make things even worse. Also, I'm rather busy with a test and assignment due this week, so I guess you can chalk that up to laziness. (Though I was definitely not expecting a reply this quickly.)
As for the grammar and punctuation errors, I'm quite new at writing, so I am still learning. Sometimes I'm not even sure where a new sentence should begin. Very sorry about that, I hope it doesn't put you off too much.
And sorry about the quick reply, I really have to get back to studying after procrastinating all of last week. If you would like me to fix up some of the mechanical errors before reviewing, I'll be glad to do that in the weekend.

Cheers.
>> No. 93262
>>93261
Oh and I completely forgot to address the pollution question, silly me.
The reactors that convert the magical energy into electrical energy creates pollution, gemstones are consumed in the process and reduced to airborne pollutants.
>> No. 93264
>>93256

>Plot Summary
More or less what I was aiming for, so that's good.

>Twilight bringing up the "Mare in the Moon"
I agree. The way I presented it was a bit against canon, and it wasn't that smooth of a transition either. I'm going to bypass that though without even mentioning "Mare in the Moon"

>Twilight bringing up what's tearing up Celestia
Admittedly, it was kind of spontaneous in the way Twilight kept asking the perfect questions. To make things flow a bit better I'll make Celestia lie and deny the truth to herself, rather than simply act completely retarded. I want Twilight in the prologue though to involuntarily make Celestia think and inevitably claw at herself. It's the perfect build up I see for the story and epilogue, but since neither of them are finished yet I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

>Characters are flat
Twilight being cute? Well, she's an innocent filly and that's what I'm trying to perceive her as, so that's good. As for forcing Celestia's emotions out of her, I kind of did go overboard a bit. I'll be sure to tone it down.

>Hitting the reader in the face with the "sad hammer"
Oh god I love that term. But I see what you mean there.

>Celestia switches emotions far to quickly
Come on, she's been holding back on herself for almost a thousand years. The dam was going to burst eventually. But I suppose it could be drawn out a bit.

>1000 years to cope
And she's been doing it well by hiding it, and by making complete falsities of certain parts of Equestria's history. When Twilight inadvertently asks her about the topic, Celestia can't ignore it anymore without spilling her secret. The secret? It will be explained more in the next chapter and Epilogue.

>Emotions are so far detached
I see what you mean. Now that I think about it, a large part of that had to deal with things moving too fast.

>Ending flat and contrived
You like those two words, don't you? But I kind of want the reader to be left wondering about Celestia's past as hinted by previous allusions. In fact, the entire last page or two is in for some major revision already as it is. It won't end so suddenly.

>Omitting "Why'd you imprison your sister?"
I actually want to keep that, but I decided I'll be taking a different approach that will leave Twilight oblivious to Celestia even having a sister.

>Twilight not even being there and asking 1001 questions
No, Twilight has to be there. She's the force that pulls Celestia into questioning herself for banishing Luna (that part too will be revised.) And as for asking 1001 questions... I hope to turn that down to 101, if you know what I mean.

>Make the emotions affect the dialogue and the dialogue affect the emotions
Always been a difficult spot for me. Perhaps you could provide some examples?

All in all, thanks for your input! And thanks again for being the first to ever proof read one of my stories. I greatly respect your opinions, and I love how there's complete strangers out there willing to help others and another reason as to why I love this fandom. I'll be sure to mention you as a proof reader when I eventually publish the story. That is, if you're okay with that.
>> No. 93267
That is a lot of detail for five rules! Nice to know you'll review non-pony works, though - I have non-pony fic thoughts from time to time (like a Tengen Toppa Gurren Laggann/Bleach crossover, which promises to be ridiculous).

Rule 2 may bite me on this story, because it's written SFG-style:

Title: Butter Cream
Tags: [Shipping] [Slice-of-Life]
Decription: Vinyl Scratch is sat in a bar. Fluttershy walks in. Shipping ensues. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are stood outside waiting for her. Hilarity and Ham ensue.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13xgAUQQU9wqvTOMXxGjQjqN0dWmz89LH7OtE9bCjnZo/edit
There are a couple of sentences in here that I felt were a bit awkward, but couldn't find a way to improve on myself.
>> No. 93280
>>93261
>>93262
I'm asking around, but I'm going to hold out on a full-fledged review for now. You sound busy, but if there's something you want to work on in the meantime, your descriptors are slightly redundant and your grammar could use a little work.

>Come on, she's been holding back on herself for almost a thousand years. The dam was going to burst eventually. But I suppose it could be drawn
out a bit.
Well, exactly. I'd think that the dam would burst a bit more dramatically and from proper stimuli as opposed to arbitrarily from a barely-related question. See:

>>Make the emotions affect the dialogue and the dialogue affect the emotions
>Always been a difficult spot for me. Perhaps you could provide some examples?
Okay, let's imagine person A and person B. A is hungry, B is slightly tired, but they still have no grudge, so they meet on fairly neutral terms.

A: "Hey, what's up?" (neutral greeting)
B: "Not much." (dismissive, bored answer)
A: "Want to grab food?" (inquisition based on hunger)
B: "Nah, man, I'm tired." (rejection based on tiredness)
A: "C'mon, it'll be fun." (urgency based on hunger and )
B: "Eh, sure, whatever." (placating. at this point, A's persistence has outweighed B's initial rejection, and B realizes he "could eat.")

So in this small example, B's mood changes from "slightly tired" to "slightly tired but amicable." Now, it's a weak change, but the two characters had fairly weak emotions going into the exchange in the first place. I also didn't want to include personality into the equation.

Basically, it boils down to role-playing. You've got to imagine your two (or three or four) characters' emotions as they perceive the conversation, and then they act on those emotions (which causes reactions from the other characters, and so on). Make sure that the reaction matches the stimulus, too: though minorly amusing, it doesn't necessarily make sense for someone to go:

A: "Hey, what's up?"
B: *punches A in the face*

unless there's past history there.

And that comes back to your fic, there is past history with Celestia, but there's not enough stimulus being presented where it should draw that up (and I didn't get a consistent "obsessed" vibe from her, either).

>That is, if you're okay with that.
I don't demand thanks, but I'm not opposed to it, either.
>> No. 93289
>>93257

I'm sorry for that, but EqD was all, "put in all the tags," and this is a long story, so I was all, "okay."
>> No. 93293
I put this in the training grounds already, but odds are it'll be weeks before it's seen to. Plus, I would enjoy having an outside opinion.

-Title: Minotamed

-Author: Silverquill

-Tags: [Comedy] [Slice of Life]

-Synopsis: Fluttershy receives a familiar visitor one day, a certain minotaur named Iron Will. When he asks her to teach him her kind ways, she decides to help him. But what if he takes the lessons a little too close to heart?

(Based off the prompt 'A Double-edged Sword')

-Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sR-PMumbj8JFdjt2Isb-H_g3ztaiXqi2rkMxlLdkqBs/edit#

This won second place in the /fic/ off, if that's any assurance on what to look forward to. This fic seems to be half-and-half; some like it, some don't, and that's where multiple opinions help. Thanks in advance, friend.
>> No. 93343
>>93280
Alright, I'll be free again on Friday, so I will go and work on that grammar.

>your descriptors are slightly redundant
As in too much? Damn, now I'm really confused.
>> No. 93365
I should have known that it was only a matter of time before life returned to its usual manner of Hell.

Reviews for the following are incoming shortly:
>>93248
>>93250
>>93293
>> No. 93374
>>93248
Plot Summary
The Apple family is having financial problems, and then the Wonderbolts are hired by an evil corporation to burn down their orchard. Based on your story's summary, this is to get them to move to a new, modern city where they encounter an evil bad guy that must be defeated.

Critiques
I almost hate to follow Prereader 23's critiques as closely as I am, but really, this story is pretty solid in the first place. So, yes, this is mostly going to be a repeat of Prereader 23's critiques, but I hope to expand on them in the process.


In terms of your grammar, it's mostly clean. One of the things that I noticed was that you don't hyphenate compound descriptors. For example:
>never ending conversation

should be
>never-ending conversation.

I also found a few comma splices:
>The goggles were coming in handy, he would of had trouble keeping his eyes open in the suffocating smoke without them.

Needs a conjunction or a semicolon:
>The goggles were coming in handy; he would of had trouble keeping his eyes open in the suffocating smoke without them.
>The goggles were coming in handy because he would of had trouble keeping his eyes open in the suffocating smoke without them.

There was also the matter of capitalizing "Ah" as it's used in place of "I." Again, I highly recommend you conform to it, because "ah" is a filler word, so, ah, it's mildly confusing to see it un-capitalized in the middle of the sentence.


Next, Prereader 23 says that you have, basically, "Talking Heads Syndrome." I can see this in a couple of scenes where basically, you only have the dialogue. You do a decent job building the scenery in most scenes, but then you don't really use it. The ponies just stand there, talking. I suppose that can be natural, but at the same time, it would be nice to see them interact with the scenery and/or furniture a bit more. Also, show some of their emotions through body language.

If anything, though, I'd say you might want to streamline your descriptors of the scenery a little.
>The window frames were painted milky white and the roof lavender, with thin lines of white streaking across horizontally.
Is a nice touch, but I can't help but think that you can say this in fewer words:
>The house, with its white window frames and lavender roof, sat on a hill (yadda yadda yadda).


Suggestions
I'd go over this with a few more editing sweeps. The first round, look for grammar issues. Read slowly, read wholely. Generally, after a punctuation mark, you need a capital letter (with a comma, colon, or semicolon being the most prominent exceptions). Make sure you capitalize sentences in dialogue.

Next, add in little actions and interactions with the environments. Your dialogue is good and it drives the story, but the scenes themselves leave a little to be desired. While you're at it, try to make your scene descriptions as efficient as possible; a little trimming can go a long way to foster readability.


Finally... I disagree with Prereader 23 on the need to "make your characters seem more different." It's an alternate universe that still focuses around the main characters. The universe is different, so they're already different enough: Applejack is harder, Rarity is more hoity, Pinkie Pie is more level. Perhaps work on altering their dialogue slightly to reflect this, but it's my opinion as a reviewer that this story already establishes its "alternateness" enough. It is my opinion as an Equestria Daily Prereader that, once you fix the grammar and character actions, this story will be ready to be posted. :)
>> No. 93387
>sorry to barge in
>>93374
>he would of
*would have
>> No. 93391
>>93250
Plot Summary
A company invents trans-universal portals. A scientist dies in a test. And everyone. fucking. TALKS.

I'm sorry, but I found myself forcing myself to read this after around page 2. By page nine... anyway, on to:


Critiques and Suggestions
Your grammar's passable. Your characters are all kind of disgruntled assholes, but they actually work pretty well for a "Ruthless Evil Corporation." But I don't freaking care about their day-to-day lives.

On that note, this needs a good, thorough trimming. Start with the basics: Make an outline for the overarching conflict that gets resolved in this story. Make a conclusion, then plan out everything that leads up to that conclusion, and then start your story as close as you can to that conclusion. Little details here and there are fine for world-building, but after nine pages of "ninety percent chaff I mean, it's a story about portals. WHY ARE THE BIOLOGICAL CREATURES NECESSARY TO THE PLOT? and ten percent plot progression," I gave up my willingness as a reviewer] to read this.

If I were reading this for pleasure, I would've been gone around the middle of page three.

Information dumps are interesting in an academic sense, but you need to weave the NECESSARY information into the narration. Dialogue especially should serve as a way for characters to interact in a manner that progresses the plot.

For example, let's say that this story is about Kevin, who wants the most perfect scrake in the universe.

This exchange between Kevin and his scientists:
>The door opened and in walked Kevin. He approached the two scientists, with his arms folded behind his back. “Gentlemen.”
>“Mr. Clamely,” Gary and Victor said in unison.
>“I understand that you two oversee scrake productivity, correct?”
>“Yes sir, we are,” Gary chimed in.
>“Then I trust you’re fully aware that their vitality is near zero?”
>Gary shot a nervous glance at his partner.
>“It’s a regrettable fact, sir,” Victor said without skipping a beat. “But we think we’ve found the cause of that, and a temporary solution to those problems.”
>Kevin’s eyebrows were slightly raised. “Really? What did you find out?”
>“After running a series of tests,” Victor said, “we’ve concluded that the scrakes seem to have a poor immune system. So we’ve decided to add surgical masks onto each clone to increase productivity.”
>“Surgical masks?” Kevin said in disbelief, “You two are working in a biotics... and you decide to add surgical masks and call that progress?”
>“Survivability rates have climbed up from forty-three percent to sixty-five percent... sir,” Gary stated.
>Kevin looked at both of his employees. “Are these numbers accurate?”
>“We’ve triple-checked them, sir.” Or rather, I triple-checked them, Victor thought to himself.
>Kevin looked as if he were torn between being in awe over their results, or in awe over how lazy an idea the masks seemed. “It’s... satisfactory at best. But I expect to see a more professional-looking specimen the next time I come down here. We’re scientists, here. You two can do better than slap a mask on them and call it a day.”
>Victor said, “We’ll make them as best as we can, sir.”
>“No,” Kevin sharply retorted, “you won’t make them better... you’ll make them perfect, understand?”

Could be written as:
>Kevin entered the labs to inquire about the skrake longevity. After hearing about the scientists' makeshift progress, he reminded them that their goal was nothing short of perfection.

And it should only be expanded upon if something said in the dialogue or emotional reactions of the characters is important enough to come back later on in the story.


So, I leave you with a short review and a large task at hand: take this story and trim out a massive portion of the insignificant details. Once you streamline and focus on the plot and the characters (but only as much as they're important to the plot), this will be much more entertaining to read.
>> No. 93392
>>93387
Yar, that be a typo to look out for, too. Thanks EZN.
>> No. 93397
File 133291597284.png - (207.39KB , 1053x882 , spoiler.png )
93397
>>93267
Plot Summary
Vinyl Scratch is drinking in a bar, "Fluttershy" enters into the scene, and then they fuck.

I had the right to reject this. Out of courtesy, I'll explain what I found wrong and how you can fix it out.

Critiques
Grammar stuff:
>It was late, really late, but that was fine for the disk jockey, since she often played to dancing crowds right through the night, and when she wasn’t, she’d be at the K-Colt studio, in the middle of Hoofington, playing away to whoever was listening instead of simply setting up one of her pre-recorded mixes.
Is a run-on sentence

>"We’ve been stood here for hours."
Whut?


Your characters were extremely one-dimensional. Vinyl Scratch has no inner thoughts or desires except for having sex with Fluttershy. Fluttershy has no motives other than to physically please Vinyl Scratch. The bartender is good at bartending (but he's a background character, so this isn't the worst thing).

Fluttershy was out of character. Ego lessons or no, she wouldn't be very passive about kissing, massaging, making out with, or fucking another pony. If she doesn't want something in the show, she's been shown to be very resistant to those notions. So, since she's going along with all this, I'm inclined to guess that she wants this physical romance.

And that just makes me wonder BUT WHY.

Along with the flatness of the characters, they're also very emotionless. This whole thing reads like robot porn. Now, thankfully, you didn't go as graphic on the sex end of things, but it's still a pretty gratuitous amount of sex and sex-like activities for how little emotions, characters, and actions there are.

The comic relief with Rarity is amusing but pointless.

The fact that you found that image that has all of the pony drinks on it does not impress me.


Suggestions
Give your characters depth, motives, and emotions. Tone down the sex, keep them in-character, and make this gratifying for someone to read who isn't scrolling with one hand and stroking with the other.

Not that there's anything wrong with that[/Seinfeld]
>> No. 93422
File 133291830418.jpg - (8.65KB , 184x184 , Dash Salute A.jpg )
93422
>>93293
Plot Synopsis
Iron Will comes to learn how to be "nice" from Fluttershy. He overdoes it, then finds a happy medium.

Critiques
...

I pointed out a few places where this had awkward phrasing, but really, I don't have much. It's a simple story, but it's lighthearted, so it fits. The grammar and characters are well-done.

Hell, for all intents and purposes, this was an episode... that didn't feature any of the other main six.


Suggestions
Find a title image and submit this to Equestria Daily so that other people can enjoy this.
>> No. 93424
File 133291843938.png - (20.35KB , 425x134 , Failure.png )
93424
Still, with six stories in two days, I figure that I must've helped someone.
>> No. 93431
>>93424
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
>> No. 93462
>>93422

Thanks for the assistance and (what I assume was) praise, mate.

But could you possibly expand more on when you said 'Awkward' and 'Contrived'? Didn't quite understand.
>> No. 93463
>>93374
Thanks mate, cheers for elaborating on pre-reader 23's concerns.
Had my test today, and due date on the assignment has been pushed back to Monday (yay), meaning I can start working on this right now.

>"Talking Heads Syndrome."
I think this is a good way to put it. I've been describing scenes and then moving on to blocks of dialogue, separating the two. I'll try my best to integrate them and streamline some of the longer/redundant descriptors as you suggested.
And grammar is a real pain, since I'm really quite terrible at it, but I'll go back again and try my best to fix it up.
Would you be willing to give this another look before I submit again? I'm afraid there may be some mechanical errors that I simply don't understand and cannot fix on my own.

Anyway, very grateful for the insightful and timely review. I'll be sure to include you in the list of reviewers who have helped me out.
>> No. 93464
>>93397
>But why?

Because when I started no-one lese had done it yet. And I kinda wanted to be first.

And now there's a multi-part fic on ED so I didn't even get that. Oh well.

>Your characters were extremely one-dimensional.
>Depth, motives and emotion.
Yeah, I'm pretty terrible at characterization most of the time. I guess I'll get better at it with practice.

Overall, because I'm terrible at going back and editting stuff I've written, I'm instead gonna use your critique as advice for next time I try writing something.

Thanks!
>> No. 93503
>>93462
Awkward phrasing is when you say something in a way that could be put better, but because it isn't, it sounds worse. From what I remember, your example of that was some dialogue that had the speech verb in the middle of the speech. I felt that it would've been better, in that case, to keep the dialogue "whole" and to have the speech verb after.

As for "contrived," the "people constantly coming and going from the hardware store" stretched my suspension of disbelief, slightly. But, it's the sort of comedy / unrealistic scenario that's present in the show, so I can forgive it.


>>93463
>Would you be willing to give this another look before I submit again?
Email it to me


>>93464
>I'm instead gonna use your critique as advice for next time I try writing something.
With all due respect, I think that's the best course of action. Even if you tried to fix Butter Cream to give it the emotional depth required of a shipping story, you'd probably end up having to throw the whole thing out and start from scratch.
>> No. 93512
>>93503

Alrighty then, all issues have been fixed. Thanks once again for your help. I'll probably hold out on submitting 'til I get at least one more review (again, the whole 'half-and-half' issue), but that gives me time to find a suitable image. Thanks yet again, and have a nice day.
>> No. 93770
>>93391

Welp, I guess this needs more work than I thought it would. Guess I'd better get started.

> Make a conclusion, then plan out everything that leads up to that conclusion, and then start your story as close as you can to that conclusion.
So what you're basically saying is to begin with a mention of the big event, then have it revert back to where things began? I'm just trying to make sure I don't misunderstand you here.

> it's a story about portals. WHY ARE THE BIOLOGICAL CREATURES NECESSARY TO THE PLOT?
Well, it's not about that. The specimens are actually the main reason why things go wrong. Should I relate to this in the beginning as well?

> This exchange between Kevin and his scientists
These scientists are actual characters for the story, which is why I had them talk to Kevin. Again, maybe they should be mentioned in that beginning segment you talked about so others know they're not just randoms thrown in to stretch out the story.

Regardless of all this, I thank you for your honest opinion on this story of mine. Hopefully I can get it to the EqD-worthy story I imagine it to be.
>> No. 93859
>>93770
>So what you're basically saying is to begin with a mention of the big event, then have it revert back to where things began?
No, I mean in your planning phase of the story, make sure you've got a destination in mind that all of the plot advances to.

As for the things that appear unimportant but actually are, yeah, you need to do a better job weaving their relevance into the plot. And again, you need to cut down a lot of the pointless chatter, even if the characters are important. No one wants to see a fifteen minute scene of the movie devoted John McLane sitting down and eating dinner with his family; if you give the audience enough cues that "this is a normal person," they'll believe it.

Similarly, you can hint at the scrakes causing electronic monitoring equipment to fail (which could, in turn, have left to a whole batch of them dying due to an inclimate habitat); a whole scene devoted to, "YES... I LOVE MY PRETTIES..." and yelling about it to the other scientists is probably going to be unnecessary.

Generally, the less you can get away with writing, the better.


>>93512
gogogo
>> No. 93900
>>93503
Hey mate, sent you an email last night.
Just wanted to make sure that I sent it to the right address, still not too familiar with these chan boards.
>> No. 93994
>>93900
Yeah, I got it and will re-review it sometime this weekend.
>> No. 94841
Hello this is my first time trying this kind of thing, I'd like you to do a review on my fanfic. This is actually my first fanfic so I don't know for sure how good it is. I'd like to get it on Equestrai daily but I'd like to have at least two reviews of it first.

Story Title: Ponies vs The Internet
Tags: Comedy, Random,Everypony
synopsis: I take the ponies cannon behavior from the show and I compare them some of the strangest and crazy things I can find on the internet in a series of short stories. I'm giving you the fist seven parts but each one is so short it wont take long to read them. The humor might get a little twisted or dirty sometimes but don't try not to take it too far.
Links: http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-1-Twilight-289119507?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=0 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-2-Trixie-289421746?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=1 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-the-Internet-Part-3-Pinkie-289981611?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=2 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-4-Derpy-290172267?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=3 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-5-Rarity-291082498?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=4 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-6-Gilda-291395963?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=5 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-7-The-CMC-292361245?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=6
>> No. 94861
>>94841
Queue's closed.

And this got rejected from Equestria Daily under hopes of it being a trollfic, so yeah, no thank you.
>> No. 94935
hey Nick,

I would appreciate it if you took a look at my story. It's a longer one so feel free to take your time with it and message me directly on FimFiction if you like. Feel free to repost your findings here as well. I have no problem with others learning from my mistakes beside me.

Story: Daring Do and the Griffon's Goblet
Tags: [Adventure]
Synopsis:The second book (my first story) of the thrilling adventures of Daring Do. After weeks of restless recovery Daring Do is given the opportunity to travel in search of the legendary Griffon's Goblet. In order to find the relic she must travel in to the heart of the griffon homelands, a place that she is mistrusted and seen as a general menace to all of griffonkind because of a small incident in her past.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=referrers&story=17689
>> No. 94936
>>94861
>>94935
Dammit should have scrolled all the way to the bottom before submitting.... I will try again when the que is open again.
>> No. 128788
File 138099389000.png - (171.70KB , 483x232 , Fuck Im High.png )
128788
>>94936
I... my second review thread was literally the top post on this board before you posted a story.

>>128162 is the thread you're looking for
>> No. 128793
>>128788
>>128788
Isn't that post like a year old?
>> No. 128823
>>128793
Oh, god damn spam bots.
[Return] [Entire Thread] [Last 50 posts] [First 100 posts]


Delete post []
Password    
Report post
Reason