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75188 No. 75188
>Even though the ideal is high, I never give in. Therefore, I never die with regrets.

The time is right, I feel, to create my own thread in which I will attempt to help writers.

If you wish to be among those that I attempt to help, then post a link to your story in this thread. For your convenience and mine, however, I have several rules and guidelines that you should abide by:

1. Though your story need not be related to this fandom, you should give me some indication what I'm about to read. A title, tags, and short summary are considered polite, but omitting them is not grounds for dismissal (bear in mind that Rule 5 still applies). However, you only have yourself to blame if I suffer from genre confusion. Similarly, you will give me a link to the story on GoogleDocs, FimChan, Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt, or any comparable web-hosting. I will not download any attachments in this thread. For assurance purposes, you should provide me with an email address that I can send my critiques to in case Ponychan goes down.

2. I will try, in this thread, to detach myself from what I am reading in order to give a paradoxically unbiased opinion. However, certain content is unacceptable by Ponychan's standards. This content, to my knowledge, includes graphic sex and excessive gore. For my own preference, I am broadening the former category to include any story that focuses more on sex than romance and the latter to anything that focuses more on the result of violence than the actual violence itself.

3. You have the right to hear honest feedback about your story, and I have the right to give that honesty. I make no promise to pander to your emotions. If I tell you your story needs work, then that is an indication of a fledgling success, not of failure. I will not lie and tell you a mediocre story is great. I will not seek to destroy your story, either. If you don't think you are able to handle criticism, please do not waste both your time and mine.

4. Special high priority will be given to stories that I like, stories by individuals that I like, and to stories that have been to a reviewer already—provided that you provide me with a link to the review. Special low priority will be given to longer stories or stories that have multiple chapters submitted at once. There is no "hard cap" to wordcount, however, if you give me an extraordinarily long story all at once, I will not break my back to do your review "ASAP."

5. I have the right to reject a story on any grounds. This is not a rule I hope to invoke often, but I would rather have a rule and not need it than the converse of that situation. Miscellaneous reasons for this might be if I perceive your story as a so-called "trollfic", if I note that you are spamming every review thread on the front page, or if the story is generally incomprehensible. However, that list is not exhaustive.


At any rate, I believe that about covers the mechanics of this thread. I hope to be of service.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 75191
Hi, Nick! I'd appreciate it highly if you'd review my story. Being a reviewer myself mostly on FimFiction, I have throughly edited my story for both literary elements and plot points, but I feel as if I need others to give me criticism as well.

Story Title: Creatures of Old Equestria.
Tags: [Adventure] [War] (Don't know how to appropriately tag that one, but it deals with characters suffering from wounds and fatal injuries, but nothing described in great detail, so I don't know if anyone would consider it 'gore'. Only things that are important to the story as mentioned) [OC's]
Synopsis: When Kyris' species is threatened by the Pony Empire, he sets out to seek safety for himself and others against the tyranny of the growing nation.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Rz__o1SqULfshy0OaM7tAgAwrMYC_XCTbm0kiagXda0/edit(Comments are enabled)

Thank you for taking a look.
>> No. 75196
>>75191
Plot summary
The story begins with a human, Kyris (which I'm assuming rhymes with "iris"), in the makings of a war council. Several different animal nations' representatives deny him aide to fight back against the oddly-evil Pony Empire, so he leaves and instead visits an unlikely duo: Star Swirl (a human) and Dawn (a unicorn filly). There, he recounts the story of his near-death experience at the hands of a pegasus army. Later that night, another pony -- named Clover -- shows up, injured, and that's the end of the first chapter.

Critiques
The first and most noticeable problem I have with this story is the grammar. While it is far from terrible, it is notably rough. For example, look at your second sentence:

>The spider monkey slammed his mug on the table, the other animals looking at the lone human, who turned his head away.

This looks to be some sort of comma splice between a sentence and a sentence fragment. It would do better as two separate thoughts, like so:

>The spider monkey slammed his mug on the table. The other animals [looked] at the lone human, who turned his head away.


After that, you have several stylistic choices in writing that, while not technically incorrect, feel stilted. For example, you repeat the "subject verb" sentence structure very often, and even then, you use the same subject! It comes off as very flat. For example, your first paragraph:

>“You must face the fact, human; your civilization is no longer!” The spider monkey slammed his mug on the table, the other animals looking at the lone human, who turned his head away. “I feel for your people, Kyris.” The monkey sighed, hanging his head down. “Your people however were the most capable of taking on the Pony Race, and still they wiped your species off of the map!” The monkey gave a small, nervous chuckle, but stopped once he looked into the Human’s glare.

Since the dialogue is separate from the action (which is another overarching problem I noticed), the paragraph ends up netting to this:

>The spider monkey slammed his mug on the table, the other animals looking at the lone human, who turned his head away. The monkey sighed, hanging his head down. The monkey gave a small, nervous chuckle, but stopped once he looked into the Human’s glare.

As long as you follow the "one speaker per paragraph" rule, which you do, there is some wiggle room in terms of pronouns -- as long as you tie them to the dialogue.

Your story also seems bereft of scenery and locales. I understand, intellectually, that these characters must be speaking in places, but for simplicity's sake, I assume that every story begins at my local Foot Locker until proven otherwise. Which, while it was amusing to imagine, you didn't quite deny that illusion, either, until Kyris left the stor-- er, bar I assume.

Finally, you refer to ponies' appendages as "hands" several times. This led to confusion on the subject of Star Swirl; combined with his pony-sounding name (Star Swirl the Bearded), I wasn't sure of what species he was for the longest time.


In terms of the story itself, I had three main problems with it:

First, why are the Ponies evil? I can accept this, but... they're so cuddly, and marshmallow-y, it hardly seems advantageous for them to wage war. Especially since...

Second, how did humankind fall so easily? I understand that misanthropy is a common theme in this fandom, but at the same time, even given medieval weapons / setting, the capital cities wouldn't fall in two days. From a logistical standpoint, killing that many people would be difficult, as there's only so many hours in the day, weapons need to be sharpened, humans would be fighting back in desperation, etc.

Third, Kyris' story seems... especially unbelievable. A pegasus army (army, mind you, not "a pegasus") comes and... is amused that he stands and fights? I get that sort of cheesy "heart of the warrior" trope is common, but at the same time, it seems impractical to stop your entire army's march just to play Thunderdome with some kid who stands up to you. Also, combined with my second point, I find it hard to believe that every human the pegasus encountered was a coward and/or begged for their lives.

I can accept the setting of "humans lost and are a minority," though twenty survivors seems incredibly low, but you need to arrive at that plot point in a more straightforward manner.

Suggestions
First and foremost, try to plan out the settings and history behind this story. All the grammar fixing in the world won't make my three problems easier to bear, only easier to read.

Next, and possibly as you're fixing that, go through this document again and work on ironing out the grammar. Also work on trying to tie the dialogue better to the speakers, so it's more obvious who's speaking and why. Also, consider revamping the dialogue, as overall, it is tad dry and off-sounding.

After that gets done, try to work on your scene building -- actors and locales make a story real, but try to avoid reusing the same "subject verbed" construct in a row, if you can help it. Describe more of the emotions, actions, reactions, environment... less is more, sometimes, but you've got a very flat story and I think it could do with some more details.

This story needs a fair amount of work, but I wish you luck on your endeavor.
>> No. 75292
File 132540176095.jpg - (59.75KB , 500x368 , tumblr_llimlaj7YQ1qjqdr0o1_500.jpg )
75292
>>75196
Thank you very much for the review!
I was not aware before of how rough my grammar was and the repetition of the subject verb. I was writing this story in a different style then my others, where I described in great and unnecessary detail about the surroundings, but I see now I don't have enough!

As for the plot. I attempted to parallel the Pony Empire and Nazi Germany; that of which I believe I did very well in the overall plot, but the details are very poorly done. The Human territory would act like Poland, and how fast the country was occupied. This parallel was done very poorly, seeing as Poland was occupied in 5-6 weeks and the Human Territory in a single day. I imagine the population of the world much lower at this point in time, but I make no suggestions of any kind of population, which is a major factor in how long it would take. Any suggestions on how I can portray this better, or should I scrap the entire paralleling idea. I'm at a loss with such.

Thanks for the overall review, and I'll make sure to fix everything you suggested as best as I can and give it back to you.

I'd suggest however that when you review someone you give them what you liked and what you didn't like. It's not to fish for complements, but say for example if you liked Kyris' story overall, but just thought a few points were off and didn't make sense.I could decide just on the negative you give me to take out the entire segment out, when really you just wanted me to fix it up a little rather than take it all out.
Or you may just not like ANY part of my story, but avoiding a biased opinion based upon your likes.
>> No. 75320
Title: Snapping Strings
Tags: [Romance][Shipping][Sad, eventually][Grimdark, eventually] (No sex)
Synopsis: When Octavia becomes infatuated with Vinyl Scratch, she learns that there's more hiding behind those purple glasses than just her pretty eyes. Suddenly finding herself caught in a dangerous relationship, the cellist tries to fight her way out - but how can she fight with a broken leg?

This is the first chapter. It's about Octavia meeting Vinyl for the first time. There's no real hint of plot yet, I just need to know if the characters are believable, if it's too cliche, and if the grammar and dialogue are all right. Things like that. Thanks!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Tie-jWHdILft0EZ_E9FzU3QZwgxWimBTmo-_G1NNNKA
>> No. 75321
>>75320
Oops, wrong link, sorry.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Tie-jWHdILft0EZ_E9FzU3QZwgxWimBTmo-_G1NNNKA/edit
>> No. 75328
Hey I would appreciate it if you could review my story. I would really like to know where too improve myself!
Story Title: Stranger from the North
Tags:[Adventure][fighting](I have absolutely no clue how to tag something like that!)
Synopsis: When the latest attempt by the Cutie Mark Crusader plan to get their Cutie Marks goes awry. They will meet someone who may change the fate of Equestria forever.
Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IIcSqyJxhLLc8_T8hryJgGrDyYqkvwkE5mDJlq3b6o4/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 75435
>>75320
>>75321

Plot Summary
Octavia runs into Vinyl Scratch after a performance one night. The next night, she visits the club where Ms. Scratch is performing, and they move to a private room where they bond over stories of their musical careers.

Critiques
Not much happened in this, which is supposed to be an opening chapter for a longer story. This is a more practical problem than a literary one, true, but nonetheless: if you can't interest your readers early on, they won't stick with you for the long run. Also, roughly 1/3 of this chapter is "Octavia's childhood," which doesn't quite fit with "first date" in my mind---not for someone as quiet and reserved as Octavia.


To answer your specific questions posed in the review submission:

>I just need to know if the characters are believable,
Quiet and reserved cellist, spunky and eccentric electronic DJ? At their core, I don't have a problem with them. However, your delivery is a mixed bag---I can believe Octavia drinking wine and being shy, but she sure opens up quickly behind closed, er, walls. Similarly... Vinyl Scratch is a bit too tame, I think, for what you're going with.

What I'm mostly having trouble with, though, is the emotional flatness of your characters---they both seem to be going, "eh, why not" for most of the story.

>if it's too cliche,
Octavia falls in love with Scratch's eyes in the most melodramatic, "stop-in-the-middle-of-the-street-and-stare" manner possible. Also, her parents never supported her childhood dream, and I believe you are attempting an "opposites attract" deal with the initial relationship hook.

To be blunt, you're pushing it.

>if the grammar and dialogue are all right.
The word choice gets slightly rough in some places, but was never enough to fully break me out of the story.


Suggestions
Simply put, you should make this story more efficient.

You've got 2600 in your first chapter, which translates 2600 words to establish your story and lay the foundation for the rest of the plot. If I were you, I'd downplay the parts where you are overly-descriptive (which, to be fair, there aren't that many; just the intro and outro come to mind) and definitely omit the background story for Octavia. It's fairly standard fare to begin with, and it doesn't have that much to do with what I imagine is a budding romance between Octavia and Vinyl Scratch.

I'd add in emotional motivations for both characters. By that, I mean Octavia doesn't really react to falling in love with Scratch's eyes. She shows up at the club, not really knowing why, and luckily enough, Vinyl takes the assertive role and they end up having a pleasant conversation. I say "luckily" because I'm not exactly sure what Vinyl wants, either. She chugs a beer and just wants to talk.

Be careful to avoid "telling" instead of "showing," though. What this apparently means is that it's not enough to say, "I was nervous when I showed up," but something along the lines of, "I still had my doubts about what I was going to be doing that night, but I showed up anyway." A little bit of body language and thought processes does wonders to let your readers connect with your characters.

As for "being too cliche," I'd rework their meeting into something less fairy-tale style, and I'd make sure to give them compatible personalities when you're adding them in.


But that's pretty much it, in terms of my thoughts on the story. You've got an interesting idea overall (in that the relationship turns abusive), but as it stands, without that summary, the opening chapter wouldn't be enough to sell me to continue reading.
>> No. 75437
>>75292
>I'd suggest however that when you review someone you give them what you liked and what you didn't like. It's not to fish for complements, but say for example if you liked Kyris' story overall, but just thought a few points were off and didn't make sense.I could decide just on the negative you give me to take out the entire segment out, when really you just wanted me to fix it up a little rather than take it all out.
>Or you may just not like ANY part of my story, but avoiding a biased opinion based upon your likes.

Compliment sandwiches are artificial and only serve to distract the recipient from the actual critique being offered inside. I could say what I like about a story, but I don't see how that is pertinent to fixing the parts that I think need work.

If you prefer, you can assume I have an "okay unless stated otherwise" stance, meaning that if I don't mention something, I either like it or at least don't find anything wrong with it.

>>75328
You need to make this link public.
>> No. 75447
Hello, I would much appreciate it if you reviewed my story.

Title: The Last Sunset

Summary: When the moon shadows the sun in a perpetual eclipse, Celestia must leave Equestria to stop it. Meanwhile the mane six unravel the mysterious circumstances behind the eclipse while fighting against the greatest threat they have ever faced.

Heres the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5845/The-Last-Sunset
>> No. 75479
>>75435
That's exactly what I needed, thank you! I'll get to rewriting.
>> No. 75559
>>75447

Plot Summary
Our story starts out with our main character, a candle, which illuminates the inside of a tent for Captain Damien Prescott. He reads some forbidden journal, then goes to ask his friend, Prince Erik, about the contents. He runs into an awkwardly shy Private Heartache, who lets him pass into the compound. There, he meets with the author of the journal and mastermind of an ages-old conspiracy who, in turn, shoots and kills Captain Damien Prescott. Then, the candle dies.


Critiques
Right off the bat, I notice that your story is extremely descriptive. In fact, I'm going to say that it's too descriptive. You start out by describing the tent that Damien is in, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but by the third paragraph of describing how the candlelight was working, it was definitely starting to drag.

Which is a bad thing, early on in a story.

All throughout your story, you seem to have an overabundance of adjectives. And, while I applaud your attention to detail, it wasn't as organic or easy to read as it would have been if you had been more efficient with your description. In other words, pick and choose what to focus on, but don't describe everything in excruciating detail. Purple prose is only artistic in the most shallow sense, and unless you're writing about an incredibly vivid and visual setting, that much description is only going to slow down your story.


Your grammar definitely gets better after the first paragraph, which has far too many commas in it. Overall, I'd say that the actual mechanics of your story are solid; the only error I noticed was your penchant for using a homonym incorrectly. For example, "he was the loyalist [should be loyalest or most loyal]" and "course [coarse] fur."


Once I got past the style and grammar problems, I ran into several problems with the story itself, and most of them stem from characters' motivations:

-If Captain Damien Prescott wasn't allowed to read those classified documents, why was he allowed possession of them in the first place?
-If Captain Damien Prescott knew he would die, why would he read the documents anyway? His thought process transitions from, "It is forbidden!" to "Oh, what the hay?" in less than two paragraphs.
-If Captain Damien Prescott "prefers to sleep with the colts he dies with," why was he alone in his tent, and why was he "unpopular" to begin with?
-If Captain Damien Prescott is a spy and generally sticks to himself, how has Private Heartache seen him enough to have a crush? Or is he just hot enough to induce heat at fifty paces?

Furthermore, there were two parts of the story that I feel need to be expanded upon:

1. What were the contents of the forbidden journal that Captain Damien Prescott read?
2. How did the forbidden journal that Captain Damien Prescott read even fall out of his saddlebag, and how did Captain Damien Prescott only notice it once he got inside Prince Erik's room?

Perhaps going with #1 on my two-part list, though, I also have no idea who the colt in Prince Erik's room was, what he was doing there, or what his plan was.


This all culminates into a very generic-feeling story. You've got an evil mastermind with a secret plan, a secret journal that contains the secret plan, a ditsy romantic interest (I don't do audio logs, but you would have heard a dissatisfied "Ugh" over the sound of Daft Punk's Alive 2007 album when I read how they both thought the other was handsome / cute), and a nobly naive main character who dies doing the right thing.


Suggestions
First and foremost, try to write this story in a tone and style that is fitting of a dark, gritty, nuclear-winter-esque setting. Florid writing can work in some settings, but I don't think a war zone is one of them (but the first thing that comes to mind would be a drug trip, where everything becomes a hyper-realistic sensory overload).

Next, work on your characterization. Captain Damien Prescott (which is not a very pony name) feels flat; the only thing I can tell is that he's shy, but he uses his work as a shield to cover for it. Private Heartache and big surprise that her crush dies <_< exists solely to lust after Captain Damien Prescott. Prince Erik is completely absent, but is "noble and naive," just like Captain Damien Prescott. And the evil mastermind is... an evil mastermind. You need to flesh out these characters' motivations---I noticed when you shifted perspectives to Private Heartache---and give them more personality. In this fandom, people definitely tend to judge OCs harshly; ergo, you need to at least make them as robust and deep as the main six used to be in Season One.

Then, there's my list of six questions that your writing should address.

Finally, work on your exposition. I don't need six paragraphs dealing with a candle. I really don't. I could do more with some establishment of the war that's being fought an the contents of the journal (that are too important to be omitted), though.


All in all, there's an interesting story in here, but it's obfuscated by the several elements that I have already described. Work on addressing them, and I wish you good luck.
>> No. 75583
>>75559

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story, it means alot to me. I will take your advice to heart and improve on the following chapters.
>> No. 75692
Hey there, Nick-Knack. Lemme just give this to ye.

Real Pegasi Don't Cry
[Sad] [Dark]
Since I'm horrible at synopses: This is my take on what happened to Rainbow Dash's parents, and her future.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19-Mtsm0prgRvMJK3mfQSJgU3s3owwpmJtqSIu3XOpWM/edit?hl=en_US
Words: 2777 (one-shot)

Give it all ya got for EqD, Nick.

Email: [email protected]
>> No. 75774
>>75692

Plot Summary
Rainbow Dash's dad dies because he doesn't evacuate their family in time. Then Rainbow Dash gets kicked out of flight school for fighting. Then Rainbow Dash's mom gets beaten to death.


Critiques
This is not a story.

What I mean is, there is no coherent plot that ties together all of the scenes that you have written. There is no real conflict. There is no real resolution. No one learns anything, or grows, or... anything.

I'd call this a character study, then, but if that is the case, you've got an even bigger problem: None of the characters in this story have any real depth. They are in the story solely for the purpose of being in the story, adding no real weight yet paradoxically being required to be a part of what little plot is here. Rainbow Dash doesn't seem to be affected appropriately by any of the actions of her childhood; it just seems like you said, "BOOM! ORPHAN!" and tacked that on to her personality from the show.

This feels more like an outline that was glued together with not enough details, where you're trying to tell the story of Rainbow Dash's childhood.


Also, the "Heaven knows your father did [love you to pieces]" line makes it seem like her mother joking about how her husband got struck by lightning.


Suggestions
As I said, this feels like an outline for the events that you want to have. That's a good start to have for a story; next, though, is you have to define a goal for your story. "About Rainbow Dash" isn't good enough; I can write three sentences about why she's my favorite of the main six, and that's "about Rainbow Dash." If you're telling a narrative, though, you need to go somewhere with the story; otherwise, you just end up spinning your wheels in the mud.

Do you want to make a character study about Rainbow Dash? Then you need to focus much, much more on her reactions to these childhood events and how they formulate her adult personality. Do you want to tell about her struggle and rise to fame, or how she comes to terms with being an orphan? Then do that---focus on how Rainbow Dash does _______, but make sure that all of the elements of the story tie into the narrative.

Either way, focus on giving depth---thoughts, emotions, and personalities---to your characters. No one wants to read anything written by Stephanie Meyer a story where the characters are shallow actors that only randomly drive the plot forward. Realistic characters will give your audience a reason to become invested in the story, and from there... you should actually have a story for them to become invested in.

I hope this helps.
>> No. 75775
>>75774

Mmkay, best I get to the other stories i've written.

I knew I was doing something wrong...
>> No. 75776
File 132557024630.jpg - (8.65KB , 184x184 , Dash Salute A.jpg )
75776
>>75479
>>75583
I'm happy to help, and if I'm still here when you finish, don't hesitate to resubmit.
>> No. 75778
>>75775
I should have known. Snarkle, Vanner, several reviewers in the Training Grounds, and now me. This is... at least the fifth time you've done this (across several nicknames)? Where you get a review, then scrap / backburner the story?

You, sir, are making a reputation for yourself. I gave you one review out of the sake of completionism (and the fact that I have no stories in my queue, other than >>75328 which I cannot access), time estimates being low (in that it took ten minutes to read your story and fifteen to summarize my feelings towards it), and a smattering of other various personal reasons.

As I've received the same "hit it and quit it" attitude that you exude, though, I kindly ask that you, specifically, take your stories elsewhere in the future.
>> No. 75786
File 132557194438.jpg - (8.54KB , 207x243 , images.jpg )
75786
>>75778
>pic

Granted, I'm not much better in those regards, but at least I'm not afraid of chalking it up to my own inherent lazyness.
>> No. 75820
Hello there, good sir. I have posted this in a review thread before, but that reviewer seems to have fallen off the face of the earth, and I've lost faith in him.
This here story is a little shipfic I've been working on, and I'd love to know how well it's turning out. Recently I've hit a bit of a wall, so I'm also hoping this review can help get me into motion as well.

Title: Pinkie's Pursuit
Tags: [Shipping]
Summary: Upon noticing new feelings for Dash, Pinkie sets out to act on them.
Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14OaEmzbkzGrasKYAX9wlp_DwoAhP6JCAmaOVYZc-zZM/edit
Part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S__pU-gim6WX5nSqGyPBr2C3ULZDRgEh-Jbkt-npRQ8/edit

It's in parts now, but I'm probably just going to make it one whole document later, depending on the length.
Thank you for your time.
>> No. 75824
>>75778
Wait, what? No, i'll still be doing this, dammit! But I'm doing the other fics first as I've almost completely forgitten about them!
>> No. 75826
>>75778
In your defense, that sentence was a little vague, but still, I'm not scrapping this story. The others on FiMfiction are incomplete and I should get up some more chapters before I keep going on this one. I'm not doing that thingamajigger again.
>> No. 75854
1) Let it Stay in Canterlot
2) [Comedy] [mild shipping]

3) Hearth Warming Eve celebrations are coming to a close Applejack and Rainbow Dash is all that remains having one of their usual competitions. A series of events will strain their friendship.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OyC4dpDwKdR8Tm-mwUEjHfsg3XjIaoyVygpnf8-aUxc/edit?hl=en_US#

I have this story posted up in Chowderhead's review thread but he has a large que so I decided I will post it here and get a second opinion. This story was written in an attempt to practice dialouge so I'm looking for any comments you got on that and how accurate my grammer is for it. Any opinions on the story would be appreciated as well.
>> No. 75903
>>75826
I will hold you to your word, then, and limit you to resubmitting that story, if anything, to this thread.
>> No. 75914
>>75820
Plot Summary
Pinkie Pie gets ready to hang out with Rainbow Dash. Before and after they hang out, she notices a certain longing for her friend's company, so she asks Twilight about it, then Rarity. Finally, she mulls it over for a day before running into Fluttershy.

Critiques
I'm... I'm torn.

On the one hand, the narrative style of this is grating and scatterbrained and I hate it with a fire worthy of a furnace. On the other, that is a very close approximation to my reaction to Pinkie Pie in general, which has lead to an interesting phenomenon where I hate your story, so I have to be extra careful in order to remain unbiased.

Were the characters in-character? Yes, except for maybe Twilight, who seems a little too wise.
Were their motives good? Yes---Pinkie has a deep-seeded crush on Dash, and is understandably confused as to how to go about acting on them.
How about the pacing / plot? I can't think of any scene that doesn't progress the conflict / resolution.
The grammar? You've got inconsistent tenses (switching from past to present) in a... moderate amount. Also, your formatting makes it difficult to read.

It's interesting---this story works, in its own way, but I don't like it. I think you've hit a practical boundary, and that is "audience's tastes." Similarly, although I'm not a connoisseur of Pinkie x Rainbow Dash shipping, this is a fairly run-of-the-mill story so far: A likes B, is afraid to tell B, gets encouragement from friends. That's not inherently a bad thing, it just means that your story may or may not get slammed for being "done before."


Suggestions
Fix the tenses, consider adding an extra space between paragraphs, and maybe make Twilight more quirky-smart than wise-smart.

Other than this, the writing's there, as are the plot and mechanics. This is an above-average story. I just don't like it. And that confuses me in a way that is incredibly meta.

I would definitely take this to another reviewer when you're done; as I write this, I am becoming increasingly aware of how little I am able to help you on this story.

I apologize, and wish you good luck.
>> No. 75929
>>75854
Plot Summary
Applejack and Rainbow Dash get... insulin-high... from a hot cocoa-drinking contest. Applejack takes this opportunity to confess her love for Rainbow Dash, and Dash responds by punching her square in the face.

The resulting scene,
>Applejack checks her reflection on a store window to investigate Rainbow Dashes outburst only to let out a scream as her left eye hangs by a thread.
>“DASH, WHAT THE FUCK!”

is exactly where I stopped reading.


Critiques

The grammar in this story is pretty sub-par. Look at the first sentence:

>Hearth Warming Eve celebrations were winding down the stars of the pageant hanging out at a doughnut shop laughing loud and spilling their hot cocoa on the table.

It's definitely missing some words, if not a few commas here and there, to give it any sort of meaning.


Your second sentence doesn't fare much better:

>It’s past midnight however, and most of them understanding their limits already clocked out heading to their quarters for some rest before taking the morning train back to Ponyville.

Here, you've switched tense to present (which is never a good idea for narration including second-person stories, which are always harder to read than a comparable first-or-third person perspective) and you're missing several vital commas.


I could continue, but I am a reviewer, not an editor.


The dialogue feels stilted and unnatural. I'm having a difficult time visualizing these ponies---even if drunk---saying these things to one another. Try role-playing the scene out in your head before writing down the dialogue; that works for me for 90% of the time.


And finally, the nail in the coffin for this story: I think you're going for this sort of quirky, non sequitur style of humor in places. Firstly, that's not funny, that's random. People laugh at random things (I burst out laughing today when my manager at work came out of the kitchen exclaiming, "We need croutons for tomorrow!" in an extremely urgent manner), but that doesn't mean they're funny. So, the humor in your story is shallow-at-best, and therefore, I suggest either deepening it (which removes the humor and therefore the point) or omitting it.

Secondly... it doesn't fit the ponies you're writing about (even drunk). It literally took me out of the story when Applejack screamed, "DASH, WHAT THE FUCK?" If that's not an indication that you need to fix it, then I don't know what else I can tell you.


Suggestions
Fix the grammar, which, I understand is easier said than done, but it's definitely a first step.

After that, work on the dialogue some more. You should make it fit the emotional state of the characters as they speak, and give them some deeper thoughts underneath the dialogue. I suggested roleplaying in order to simulate this; if you find something else that works, all the power to you.

And finally... either fully commit to the balls-out silly humor (which is, ironically, incredibly difficult to pull off) or omit the parts where you're trying to be funny in a way that doesn't relate to the plot at hand---as I understood it, they're drunk and having romantic troubles.
>> No. 75936
>>75929
Yea I had a feeling the F bomb would be out of character. I'll look into the grammer fixes. As for humor different strokes for different people I'll have to get more opinions on that before I revise it although I will look into it.

Thanks for the review
>> No. 75964
>>75914
That's quite alright, I understand stories are very much audience dependent. I also realized it's very much run-of-the-mill right now. I had actually planned on that so when I drop the twist and the story gets more in depth with Pinkie's mind, it'll be a bit unexpected, and maybe a nice change of pace.

Thank you for finally giving me some concrete advice for Twilight! I had the first chapter reviewed a long time ago, and the reviewer never could pin it down aside from her being "slightly out of character." It's been bugging me for the longest time.

I'll have to go through and analyze what I've written so far to find those tense issues. The Pinkie narrative is definitely not conducive to keeping your thoughts together and watching what's happening.

Thanks for the tip on formatting as well. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went with what I'm used to. As regrettable as it is you didn't enjoy it, I'm glad you took the time to review it. I'm sure after I go back through and work on it a bit more, I'll be able to come up with the rest of her meeting with Fluttershy and lead into the major twist. I've been worried the most about the pacing of the whole thing, these stories tend to suffer the most from bad pacing.

I'd just like to ask if you have another reviewer in particular that you know would be a good idea to take this to?
>> No. 75986
>>75964
In regard to formatting, "One tab every paragraph" comes from published books. The problem with those, though, is that they are, proportionally, usually spaced out more vertically and much thinner horizontally, so a tab looks so much more noticeable than in 8.5"x11" format.

I prefer line breaks between paragraphs because they separate the text a lot more.

As for Ms. Sparkle's personality, you are welcome.

As for another reviewer that I recommend... I'm not sure if I have a diametric opposite in regards to how I feel about Pinkie, but Cassius, Demetrius, and Twilight Snarkle from The Training Grounds are good (you can request them by name, but as they are busy individuals, it might take longer for them to get to you), as are Vimbert or Vanner from their own separate threads. But Vimbert's fallen off the face of the earth lately, so I think his queue is closed.


>>75936
Swearing for the main six is rarely in-character, barring "dark and grittier" versions of them.

Good on you for getting a second opinion and not following the first blindly, though.
>> No. 76005
File 132565962306.png - (192.87KB , 572x620 , AJ-fakesmile.png )
76005
>>75986 >>75964 Sorry, just have to butt in.
The queue at The Training Grounds (>>72536) is closed to new submissions and we're not remaking the OP (current thread is in autosage) until all 2011's fics are done (an arbitrary goal, yes, but autosage gives us a reason to wrap it up faster). When the queue reopens and the thread gets remade, any of the fine reviewers who frequent it could give the story a second look/opinion. I'm only reviewing right now to encourage others to help out with catch-up, however, and it's more or less guaranteed I'll be tied up for the rest of the week.

Bidoof, if you're concerned about Pinkie Pie being out of character, I recommend: Applejinx's house of IC Love (>>53416). Applejinx's primary focus is character critique and he is quite good at it. That is probably what you want for Pinkie Pie. Other than that, among the other review threads, the following reviewers and their threads I would recommend for your purposes (they are the most active, reviewing-wise):
>>72525 Jmozziel
>>72957 ChowderHead
>>69377 Ganymede
>>60784 Isphone

For what it's worth, thanks Nick :-) Carry on.
>> No. 76009
>>75986
>>76005

Thanks for the advice, guys. I had already gotten Applejinx to look over it before, and that's how I avoided a major trainwreck, but I didn't submit it to him after I revised it since his queue was pretty full, and I didn't have too much done before I got writer's block. I tried to have Shuckle look over it, but I guess he's had his hands full with getting into college or some such. I think I'll pester Applejinx once I get this second, and maybe the third, part wrapped up.
>> No. 76047
Hello there Nick. Long time no see. I shall try my hand at putting a story in your thread and we'll see what happens. :o

Email: [email protected]

Title: Source Pony

Tags: [Crossover][Adventure]

Synopsis: When Elite Cloudsdale Weather Captain Firefly wakes up in the body of an unknown mare, she discovers she's part of a mission to find the bomber of the Ponyville Express. In an assignment unlike any she's ever known, she learns she's part of a government experiment called the Source Pony, a program that enables her to cross over into another mare's identity in the last hour of her life. With a second, much larger target threatening to kill thousands in Canterlot, Firefly re-lives the incident over and over again, gathering clues each time, until she can solve the mystery of who is behind the bombs and try to prevent the next attack.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18-c5zHVsVRBMN7FqTvbIK8e_npatp8GHghHMfZiY2eM/edit
>> No. 76063
File 132569433020.png - (162.26KB , 600x600 , 986.png )
76063
OH MY GAWD NICK HAS A REVIEW THREAD
>pic

I wrote this for one of StarmanTheta's weekly prompts, and I was rather pleased with how it turned out, which makes me think it's probably atrocious. Give it a look, if you don't mind.

Interference
[Light Shipping][Comedy]
Misunderstandings abound as Twilight tries to sort out Princess Celestia's latest intentions.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c248qB1rwLEruhuMOVCs_ko0-idt2GUD1TvkeGsYj-U/edit?hl=en_US

Comments are enabled if you want to do that whole thing, although I'm expecting this to be somewhat free of errors.
>> No. 76251
File 132573020583.png - (582.63KB , 3207x1230 , BUT WHY.png )
76251
>>76063
>Queue jumped because of six months of you reviewing my stories.

Plot Summary
Celestia is feeling sad. She's got everything in the world, but no one---not her guards, not her servants, not even her sister---likes her for who she is. She just wants someone who respects her despite her title.

So, she sends out a letter to Twilight Sparkle, who has in almost every interaction never acted differently towards her because she's royalty. After a bit of musing, she goes to the castle and...

uh...

Oh God, Why?

Is this because of the blood thing? I feel like this is because of the blood thing.


Critiques
>I mean, that made sense... Gilda's a predat...

Anyway, as expected from you, the grammar and spelling is impeccable. The first thing I noticed that was wrong about this story was the voice you gave Celestia. In the show, she's silly from time to time, sure, but in the same vein, she's always regal and polite. Reading some of the words and thoughts that you put into her head were jarring to say the least. To be blunt, you gave her what I like to refer to as "fifteen-year-old white girl problems," and reading about a being who is, for all intents and purposes, older than time suffering from "popularity troubles..." doesn't quite make sense.

On a tangentially-related note, you seem to slip into "direct thoughts" (as you called them) without italicizing them. During Celestia's part, not Twilight's (that was actually... nicely done, from a literary standpoint). I think that direct thoughts are a necessary and good break from narrative and dialogue (because sometimes, we think things consciously without saying them [so as not to appear to be a crazy person]), but you should set it off from the rest of the piece.

The next critique I have to offer is that the entire scene with Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders is utterly and completely pointless. It does have the sort of gag where you switch perspectives based on one perspective saying one thing about another individual and then the other completely rejects it When did you write this again? :P, but you already pulled that joke between Celestia and Twilight. Spike isn't the focus of this story, and therefore, that scene adds absolutely nothing to the plot other than to tell readers that he's home alone with a bunch of naive children and oh god i think i need an adult...

On THAT note... you are a much more "vocal" reader than I am. Meaning, if I were to do an audio log, all you'd hear would be silence, mouse clicks, and breathing... usually. But I audibly shuddered when I realized, not where the story was going, but how the story was getting there. I understand Molestia is a... thing (as is my collection of ponies sitting on toilets that is meta-captioned "BUT WHY"), but still... in this story, it completely came out of left field. To reference Futurama: You either have too much molestation... or not enough... the point is, you don't have the exact correct amount of molestation.


Suggestions
Right off the bat, I'd entirely omit the Spike scene. It's entirely dead weight (unless you're trying to make molestation a theme in this story), and can be solved in a click, a drag, and a "Backspace" keystroke.

My gut tells me that you were trying to go for the molestation angle from the get-go, which means that this is a story written entirely to get to the end goal of Celestia... doing that. Fair enough. That also means that this is a humorous story that ends in the literary equivalent of a punch line. But you need to work on the delivery, methinks. I'm not saying I particularly want to read a story about child molestation, but at the same time, you need to indicate that's where it's going early on, via subtle hints. It'll be tricky to pull off, but I think it would be cool to have a series of double entendres and wordplay where it might seem completely innocent at first, but then, once the molestation angle hits, you're like, "OH. THAT'S WHAT SHE MEANT. I THOUGHT SHE MEANT SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT."

From a prose standpoint, I'd say that you need to fix your Celestia's voice and motivations---but note that I gave the other suggestion first. I think there's a way to change Celestia's motivation from "I have no friends, boo-frickedy-hoo" to "I'm in the mood for imitation crab tonight."

And... a cunnilingus joke. I might as well end this review on a classy note, eh? Have a good night, and allow me to reiterate, Oh God Why?

But, in all seriousness, happy writing.
>> No. 76260
>>76251
Ee hee hee. Sorry, I figured you'd be just uncomfortable enough with the concept to give me something beyond the "OH GOD YES MOAR" I've gotten thus far.

Writing Celestia is always a tricky business, and I'm not surprised she seems off. I'll work on fixing that voice.

I'll freely admit that little "device" of yours inspired me to give it a try in my perspective changes. You're a damn fine writer, and what do good writers do? Steal devices from other writers! ...Uh. Yeah. Hope you ain't mad... dawg? *is shot to death by offended people*

Thanks for the review, lots of helpful stuff in there. Guess I've got some revision to do.
>> No. 76273
>>76047
Plot Summary
Spitfire wakes up in Rainbow Dash's body and is understandably confused. They transfer trains, then she discovers that she's in Rainbow Dash's body, then a bomb goes up, and she wakes up in "reality," where she is told about what and how she's supposed to be investigating.


Critiques
Right off the bat... this is less of a crossover and more of a "retelling" of Source Code, just with ponies being in the characters' spots instead of humans. I think that by following the plot of Source Code so stringently, you're missing out on the opportunity to use some of Equestria's settings. For example, allow me to note the similarities between The Hills Have Eyes and Dog and Pony Show. Both feature a race of violent, quasi-mutated individuals that prey on young females in the middle of nowhere, relying on them for what amounts to prosperity. I'll go ahead and make the claim that, in the loosest and child-friendly manner possible, the writers on the FiM staff did a crossover between The Hills Have Eyes and My Little Pony.

And that episode was great, because it took something inherently dark (kidnapping and forced sex slavery) and gave it a cute spin, believable, if silly, plot, and even tied a ribbon of "Today I Learned that acting like a complete bitch during a rape scenario can work out well if you're annoying enough."

Or... something. It's been a while since I've watched this show.

Anyway, there's a difference between crossing something over and just replacing the cast, and I definitely get the vibe that you're doing the latter here.


Moving on, your writing suffers from inconsistent tense, wherein you change from past/narrative tense to present/never-use-this-outside-of-dialogue tense. There were also a few parts in the story where I was taken out of the story enough to stop and leave a comment, so you should look into that.


Other than that... I'm not quite sure how to continue with these critiques. I did note that Spitfire was overly discombobulated (she forgets about her ticket in roughly two seconds, she doesn't know what a train is) in the beginning and that the introduction was largely unimportant---in that, Spitfire can see her reflection much sooner than four pages into this document. However, at this point, I'm not sure whether I'm critiquing your story or Source Code's plot, and if you change your story to deviate from Source Code's plot, then there's no reason to not go in and completely overhaul it into something that is much more original, only borrowing certain elements and plot devices from Source Code.


Suggestions
My biggest suggestion is, if you haven't gathered it by now, to re-imagine the plot of Source Code and fit it to Equestria---not to take ponies and fit them to the plot of Source Code.

Also, watch the tenses while writing, and perhaps revise a little more carefully next time before submission. It wasn't bad by any means, but at the same time, if you had read this just once, you would have noticed the part about the bathroom, the part about the bathroom, and the italics[[i]I/] that are later on in the story.


Source Code is an interesting premise, and I was optimistic about the concept of a crossover between it and My Little Pony. You disappointed me by what feels like following the plot so strictly (I will note that I've only seen the trailers) and making this more of a "human" story than a "pony" story. That doesn't mean that you should give up, but I would like to see where you take this with your own creation rather than Duncan Jones'.

I wish you luck.
>> No. 76278
File 132573558950.jpg - (137.35KB , 437x600 , What.jpg )
76278
>>76260
Ten years from now, when we're emailing each other Terabytes of the filthiest porn ever imagined, let alone written down, and actually invent a few fetishes along the way, I think we will look back on this moment and think, "Man, that escalated fairly quickly."

In all seriousness, I don't mind that you borrowed a small literary device that, in all honesty, I didn't invent in the first place. I take it as a compliment at the very least, and am flattered by your praise.

I am amazed/shocked/appalled, though, (from our IRC chat) that you weren't going for the molestation angle. I... I was legitimately fooled.
>> No. 76280
>>76278
On the one hand, that's what I wanted my readers to think, only to troll them with "NOPE TWILIGHT IS OVERREACTING", but on the other, if it seems like I'm eagerly diving into clopfic territory, perhaps I need to make it clearer in my now nonexistant falling action that Celestia has no fillyfooler intentions towards Twilight.

Hmm. Well, I do enjoy a challenge. I'll let you get back to your review thread.
>> No. 76281
Thank you for your review Nick, you have given me a lot to think about. I definitely think that I've been going about this the wrong way. I don't want to have a simple copy-paste story after all.

I'll give the story a complete overhaul and I shall return!
>> No. 76399
>>76281
All right, then; I wish you good luck on your overhaul (and am personally glad that you took that route).
>> No. 76642
Hi! I recently wrote a little fic, and got deeply involved with the story I had created. I decided to really work on it and now I'm seriously considering writing an entire fanfic. I've never written stories before, so I would really appreciate getting feedback on this.

Story Title: The Return (Still subject to change)
Tags: Honestly not sure right now :P
Synopsis: A strange magical disturbance attracts the attention of Celestia and Luna. Then, Celestia's faithful student has a bit of a run-in with it's source.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X3EWAIDw4r1F__8hXdEq3Fhr_Imk1ZCRnJtfSX8xyk8/edit

Thanks for your time :D
>> No. 76646
File 132590053648.png - (355.02KB , 1145x1245 , Poem.png )
76646
Hi. I just have a short poem if that's ok. It is in the image file. Thanks.
>> No. 76661
Good afternoon! Here is a side project I worked on while mustering the courage to do a complete overhaul of another fic. Any and all help is greatly appreciated. Warning: the OC pony captain shares my community name because I can't think of a better one.

Title: Raindrops Keep Falling

Tags: [Normal] [Adventure-Lite] [OC]

Synopsis: Raindrops believes her cutie mark predestined her to be a weathermare, but she was not content with that life. Then fate helped her accidentally drop a piano on the head of Celestia’s star pupil. With Raindrops depressed and adrift, her friend Seafoam convinces her to take a sightseeing cruise with a captain she knows. Raindrops heads out with the captain of the Dusk Horizon, but when the tour runs into a strange event the pair becomes lost at sea. Worse, a massive storm is approaching quickly. Together, they must make it back safely and, along the way, perhaps discover what’s been missing in Raindrops’ life.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZIxhxirQtCRRZ4U3fsotPpsLRnmNZLbIGEiSBQw-Ahg/edit
>> No. 76670
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76670
Well I finally got off my lazy ass and wrote the first chapter of my shipfic. I'd usually submit to TTG, but the queue's closed, so...yeah. To be honest, I reaaaaaally need to make sure this one is good, since it has red flags built in (ocs and oc shipping, gay oc shipping at that!) so don't pull any punches. Well, you wouldn't even if I didn't ask so whatever.

Title: Pushing the Sky

Tags: [Shipping] [Drama]

Synopsis: In an effort to bolster relations between the two nations, Equestria and the Gryphon Kingdom decide to have their premiere flight teams--the Wonderbolts and the White Talons, respectively--perform together for the first time in decades. Meanwhile, the newest member of the Wonderbolts, a rash pegasus by the name of Zephyr, and the White Talons, the laid back yet meticulous Gaspar, do some catching up of their own, and what better opportunity for the two lovers to spend time together than having their respective teams together? But such a relationship would dare not speak its name in the Gryphon Kingdom, and with the two fliers being more than stuntsmen but also symbols of national pride, the risks are exponentially higher. With disaster looming about them should they be discovered, can the two keep their relationship secret from even their teammates while making sure the show goes on?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PQOkxVsVitRUQnPLloEgHvClG61tBsX3hwYf8b_p1k8/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1

Email is in trip
>> No. 76701
>>76670
>Queue jumped because of previous work on this project

Plot Synopsis
Zephyr, a Wonderbolt, gets distracted by thinking about sex during an aerial performance. Gaspar, a Wunderbolsen, instantly recognizes the mid-flight blunder as thinking of sex. Later, the two aerial teams meet up, and Zephyr and Gaspar reiterate their plans to meet up that night and... something.

I'm not being coy, there, either. But, that brings me right around to:

Critiques
First and easiest, the grammar. You deviate from past, narrative tense for what almost feels like half of the time.


My main problem from this story comes from how ambiguous you're being. And by that, I mean you keep hinting that something is going to happen between Zephyr and Gaspar, but aren't really committing to what. From your synopsis, I can gather that they're gay, and from the fact that I have a dirty mind, I can read between the lines. But in all seriousness, the first concrete hint that you give, in-story, as to what's going on is in the locker room, which is about 2/3 of the way through the first chapter.

Also, you hint at a lot of secrets between these two characters, yet you don't really give a reason for it. Again, the synopsis explains it---homophobic laws and societal views, but still, you shouldn't be using your synopsis like a crutch.

Finally, I don't like how Gaspar seems to be a mind reader in regards to Zephyr. I can believe it during the club/bar scene later on, but during the flight scene, it's a little too much, too early.


Suggestions
Make the tense consistent.

Also, come out and say it---they're gay. For each other. I mean, romance is too huge of a part of someone's life to play coy with, "Ohoho... we're doing something later..." If there's a political / social angle that weighs heavily on their mind and causes a need for secrecy, fair enough, but when this is told from their perspectives, then... I mean, damn, one's mind is the only place one is free to imagine things.

I mean, Zephyr's imagining something hot enough to distract him from high-speed aerial stunts. I don't think that "I [kept] thinking of after the show" sums that up appropriately.

Similarly, they're carrying on in secret, holding secrets from their friends... and you never mention why. You should explain the reasoning behind that, otherwise it just feels like forced drama.

Finally, find a way to work around (possibly omit) the mind reading during the flight scene. It... it comes off as too melodramatic, instead of showing how in-touch they are with each others' emotions.


All in all, I like your characters. Zephyr is quirky and young-ish, and Gaspar is more mature-sounding yet crass. They're similar enough to be in a relationship yet distinct enough where it doesn't sound like some guy hanging out with his clone. This is a good starting point for the chapter, I just wish that it established more in terms of the dynamics of their relationship (as well as mentioned that they HAD a relationship).
>> No. 76724
>>76701

Alrighty, I'll get to work on that. Thanks for the reviews.

>Also, come out and say it---they're gay.

Dohohoho
>> No. 76777
>>76642
Plot Summary
1. Celestia and Luna are having trouble sleeping because of a magical disturbance.

2. ?????

3. Twilight's library got fucked up (possibly related to #2).


Critiques
This feels like there's so much more that ought to be a part of the story, but isn't. Meaning, you've established some sort of troubling phenomenon that the sisters are noticing, then...

Just what the hay was the scene about the "he" about? Was it Celestia's dream? Was it the disturbance? How did Twilight's library get damaged? There are many unanswered questions, but at the same time, you don't really explain enough for your potential readers to care.


Next up, "Lulu?" No thank you. You're also fairly heavy on names (Celestia did this to Luna. Luna replied to Celestia, "Thank you, Celestia.") instead of pronouns.


Finally, your transition between "2 and 3" in the summary (where it goes from the dream to Celestia waking up) needs some work. And by that, I mean there needs to be a transition between those two scenes.


Suggestions
Plain and simple, let the readers know what's going on. I mean, you don't need to tell them everything, word-for-word, in the opening chapter, but at the same time, some explanation is in order. Apparently, there's this "Old Mare's Tale" (which incidentally, implies that there are ponies older than Celestia and Luna, and should be changed to another euphemism) about some sort of being, then another being... does something with auras... Are they connected?

On the other hand, I liked where you were going with the "new life" type of deal, so I suppose the challenge becomes to include that, yet give the reader some sort of indication what is going on. Perhaps make the story go "Celestia dreams about the new life, wakes up scared, talks to Luna, goes back to sleep, sees the new life attack Twilight, then gets everyone to the hospital?" Then, though, you'd have to make sure that you're not implying that Celestia's the one doing everything... but still, that's my suggestion; try to work with it.

Other than that... fix the pronouns issue and the transitions (which is a part of the previous paragraph, if you go that route), and this will be an interesting start to a sort of energy-creature horror story.

I hope this helps.
>> No. 76782
>>76646
Well, my usual Summary/Critiques/Suggestions structure feels a bit... hackeneyed, for a poem, so I'll just blend it all together into a somewhat unorganized review, but hopefully one that is informative.

First of all, I can't discern a rhythm in this poem. Words have certain patterns to them, called inflection; usually, in poems, different lines are arranged so that their inflections match up.

For example, try reading:

>I went to see my dad today
>He's doing well I have to say

In that, I was going for iambic octets (like Zecora), where the inflections go "low high low high low high low high." For simplicity's sake, I usually write inflection for syllables as a "_" for "low/no inflection" and "+" for "high/yes inflection."

My two lines, then, become

>_+_+_+_+
>_+_+_+_+

And match up.

Now, let's translate your poem into my inflection code:

>_++++_ +__+___+_+_ +_+_+__+_+ __+__+__+

>_+__+__+__+_+

>_+_+___
>_+_+_+
>_+___
>+___
>_+_+_+
>_+_+_+
>+__+
>_+__+__

>+__+
>_+__
>_+_++_+
>_+_+
>_+_+
>_+__+__+__

>_+_+_
>_+_+
>_+_+
>_+__+
>+_+_

>+_+_+__+_+ +_+__+_+_

>+_++
>+__+
>_+__+
>+__+
>+__+_
>+__+

>_+__+__+__+__+___

>_+__+_
>+__+
>_+_+_
>+__

Note how very few of the lines match up and most are of different length.

What I'm trying to say is, in the most scientific way possible, your poem doesn't flow correctly.

What I would do to fix this, then, is to check out a dictionary when using words, and look at the inflection (usually a ' mark) so that the different lines have similar rhythm (based on however you want to put them together).

Whether or not you want rhyme scheme is completely up to you; however, if you do that, make sure that it is consistent. Map out every line with a letter based on its last syllable, and then make sure that the letters form together to make a coherent pattern.

This is a heartfelt poem, so I think it deserves the best effort you can put into it. On that note, though, you've got more artifacts in that image than the Smithsonian does in their Ancient Egyptian collection. I'd definitely consider revamping the image that goes along with the poem; the bad graphics detract from any sentiment you're going for.

And with that, so ends my poetry review.
>> No. 76785
>>76701

Oh yeah, by the way, about the tenses, did you want me to not put it in present tense or something? I'ma try to get this fixed up tonight so I can send it off to EqD tomorrow (unless you think I oughta get a second opinion or something) and I wanna be clear on it before I rewrite the whole damn fic. If it helps, I used present tense to show stream of consciousness, especially to show the characters thoughts could be interrupted and that they don't know what will happen in the future. I thought I could get away with this since it's first person, but if it don't work, it don't work.
>> No. 76787
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76787
>>76785
Usually, when you're narrating a story, you tell it in past tense. For example, if you went to visit a friend and told him about how you won a game of bowling, you'd be saying something that already happened.

So yes, past tense is a way to go.

As for a second opinion... I won't be so bold as to say I'm the only person here capable of reviewing. If you think your story needs a second (or third, or fourth... however many you want) opinion, then I say to go for it.

Also:
>>76777
>>76782

>mfw I was just under ten minutes for my arbitrary "under 24 hours" goal for reviews
>> No. 76795
File 132599195824.jpg - (8.65KB , 184x184 , Dash Salute A.jpg )
76795
>>76661
Plot Summary
Raindrops (which is the, uh, yellow moving pony from Feeling Pinkie Keen) lacks a sense of direction in her life. After getting fired, she gets roped into going on a boat tour with Salty Shores, who, among other things, gives her some well-needed advice about her life.

Then, she completely disregards it and starts a business doing something she's good at, not that she enjoys.

So close...

Critiques
First and most fixable, there is a line in your story,
>"I'm noticing your acting strange"
which should be "you're acting strange."

Secondly... Raindrops seems timid, but why is she afraid of the boat? I mean, Salty addresses it later on in the story, but if she knew nothing about the ocean, why wouldn't she just rationalize, "Oh, I can just fly away?"

Next... the whole "Luna and Celestia had a fight, so the stars got screwed up" plot point... eh... the more I think about it, wasn't the whole "Moon Prison" deal because Luna dicked with the sky the first time? That seems to be an extreme act of aggression from Luna, akin to an "act of war" if they were countries instead of horses.

Finally... when did Raindrops ever talk about liking to make vapor trails? That seems to fall into the category of "things that she's good at," not "things she enjoys." Therefore, it's as if your entire story's message is subverted by the ending.

Which, in an utterly excellent story such as this, really sucks.


Suggestions
I'd try to rethink why they got lost at night to make it less... fridge-horror-y (in that, when you think about it, it's kind of awful). I'd also tinker with the scene where she's first getting onto the boat and try to give her better justifications for being afraid---just because she's accidentally right doesn't mean that it doesn't strike harmonic dissonance when I'm passing through for the first time.

And... for the love of Celestia, have her mention that she likes making vapor trails... or something in that scene with Salty. As it is, you just cut to "Oh, the stars are rearranged," and you really miss out on an opportunity to drive the story's message home.


This is probably in the top five stories I've ever read in this fandom. Now, granted, I stay away from a lot of the "big name" titles, so that doesn't mean much, but still. Thank you for dropping this by my thread.
>> No. 76816
Alright, then.
>> No. 76828
I was inspired to write this after perusing Fallout: Equestria many times. The first few chapters aren't going to be grimdark, but they soon will.

Title: Portal: Equestria
Tags: [Adventure][Crossover]
Synopsis: A pony wakes up in a facility without his memory. Aided by a robotic voice and several others whom he meets on his way, he must escape using a few devices that have been given to him.
Link:
Introduction: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1opVaCAit3ZShPX9flZD5bhbZNhEgM2u0vuutXIfuOiQ/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cfo1p7ieBcz2cmDw5HtnpJu6xlqvzGmfwDEDN5up_rk/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 76841
>>76795

Much obliged for the review. It seems I'm still failing to find all the dots that connect in my own head, but aren't necessarily there for the reader to connect.

The main thing I'll expand upon is the connection between Raindrops enjoyment of spreading gossip and news, the discovery of making the vapor trails, and how those two things can be combined into a skywriting company. Namely, she's turning the sky into a bulletin board, combining elements of fun and talent for her.

The "fight" was intended to be a sisterly squabble in which during the process of bringing out the stars, they all got mixed up by accident. The moon "hiding" was supposed to be a bit of embellishment. It was never meant to be a serious spat, just a heated argument that ended in a slightly comedic accident.

As for Raindrops' trepidation, that will take a bit more thought. I didn't think it felt that pronounced. Still, it's something to consider.

Thanks for also making my day with your closing comment.
>> No. 76847
>>76777
Thanks a lot for the feedback :D ill make sure to have a look into that.
also, Lulu was just something I forgot to correct from the first draft :/ sorry bout that
>> No. 76896
>>76828
Plot Summary
Some pony wakes up with amnesia in the Celestial Laboratories Enrichment Center, gets a bit of briefing from GLaDOS, and starts exploring.

Critiques
My main problem from this story comes from GLaDOS' dialogue in the intro. It doesn't feel... computer-y enough. Like, in the game, she's quite redundant and deadpan-serious about everything. Here, she's slightly off... it's almost as if she's too direct.

The other thing I noticed was that you have a penchant for descriptive writing. Now, this isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but at the same time, there's a point at which "describing the environment" turns to "detracting from the narrative flow."

I'm also not sure what you're going at with the "the orange flames made me happy / the blue flames made me wary" type of structure. You seem to have a lot of dichotomous structures in this (such as GLaDOS' voice that he "wanted to hear but didn't want to hear"), but again, I'm not sure to what extent they're being used.


Suggestions
I'd start by revamping GLaDOS' dialogue in the intro. Once you get into chapter one, it seems to fit her a lot better; in the intro, though, her speech seems a little too personal.

Next, streamline the writing. Make sure that all of your descriptors are doing the most efficient amount of work possible---too few, and you're not getting enough description. Too many, and you're slowing down your story. Also included in here is trying to make sense out of all the dichotomous structures in this story; I get that there are two types of portals, but at the same time, that's not... I dunno, I don't see how that's connected to what amounts to doublethink.

Other than that, though, these are minor gripes. I enjoyed the intro to this story, and I wish you good luck on it.
>> No. 76954
>>76896
Thanks for the review! I'll change the introduction a bit.
>> No. 76958
>>76841
mm. See, that would make sense, if you gave a line or so about how she really likes giving the news, then another paragraph or so where she tied that together with her weather-making capabilities.

>>76847
THOU ARE FORGIVEN THIS ONE TIME, MORTAL.

Nah, just kidding, it's fine. I hope your revisions go well.

>>76954
That's good to hear, here's hoping it turns out well.
>> No. 76993
>>75955
Plot Summary
Applejack snaps at Twilight, who (*sniff*) only wants to help. After she spends the afternoon crying (*sniff*) by the lake, she plans to camp for a night in the Everfree Forest, where she has a mishap with matches and ends up very badly burned.

...

Must... not... cry...

>I don't even notably like Twilight (she's like third on my list), but man. These things happening to a pony are just getting to me today.


Critiques
I put a few comments in your document, but I'll go ahead and reiterate some things.

The motivations of the characters seem a bit out of wack with, you know, logic. Why would Applejack revert back to her crazy, robotic manner of "disregard friends, acquire apples?" Why would Twilight go about getting the supplies---not having the thought to go camping, mind you, but to actually, several hours later, go through a detailed process of purchasing and planning this whole thing out?

Wouldn't Spike effectively flip his shit over this? And is Twilight just going to ignore that?


Similarly, Applejack deals with the guilt of the results casting one friend aside by immediately turning around and... tells Fluttershy to get stuffed. Why? She seems so down-to-earth, why would she be so stupid aboutlearning her lesson?


Suggestions
Simply put, you've got half of a fic here that's golden and half that doesn't make a lot of sense. I really like where you went with the story, but I'm at odds with how you got there in the first place. Therefore, I'm seriously suggesting that you change the introduction to this. Perhaps make it a "friendly" wager (perhaps brought on by a heated argument) between friends that goes wrong? That would still give Applejack the guilt (and would make sense, given the title and the fact that you refer to it as a 'bet' several times throughout the story).

And... yeah, I don't get what sending Fluttershy away does, other than prove that Applejack hasn't learned shit about being a friend. Perhaps there's something else ahoof here, but I'm missing it.

Other than that... I enjoyed this a lot more than your story about Fluttershy teaching the birds how to sing. The narrative flowed a lot better, and the characters were more in-character. Compared to your other story, I view this as a global improvement with a much "simpler" fix than a complete revamp.

I hope this helps in your writing.
>> No. 76995
>>75860

Plot Summary
Silent Comet gets fired from his job, then gets dumped by his girlfriend, then goes out drinking for a night. Once there, he has a round-table "fuck you" moment with everyone, which culminates in him apologizing, and finally, he settles on going to Ponyville to become famous.

Critiques
My first critiques are "one of" examples that you missed.

>You’re so cute when your happy.
when you're happy

>in years. you may still be not be old.
Miscapitalized "you"

>was dilated to the point that you couldn’t
Never use second-person to address the audience. It comes off as tacky and amateurish. Rework this, perhaps to, "was dialated to the point that the white of his eye was no longer visible?"

Regardless, I'd run through this slowly with a proofreading mindset to fix anything that I may have missed.


Next up... the dialogue gets a bit flat in some parts. Mainly, during the "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you" bit at the bar; the resulting feedback and apology seem... dereft of passion. Honestly, given where the story ends up and Silent Comet's mood in the bar, I wouldn't think it out-of-place for him to just leave.

The part where he states, "I'm going to kill you," and jumps over the table is also very toned-down for something so drastic.


I'm confused/slightly pained by the thought of "biting a beer's lid off." I mean... I get that they're ponies, but still... consider a bottle opener? If he's that big of a drinker, he's bound to have one lying around.

Same thing with "brown and yellow stains" on the carpet. That brings to mind horrible connotations (other than, probably, vomit that you're trying for).


I'll also be blunt and say that I greatly dislike the nickname "Si" for your main character. Ironically, I would prefer "Comet" for him, even though that would provide some harmonic dissonance with my own story (that has a character by the name of "Comet Tail," and is addressed by her first name).


Finally, if Silent Comet is planning to never come back, why is he bothering to leave three months' rent on the table? He just lost his job, I don't think that he can exactly afford to not start his life in Ponyville with that sort of a buffer.


Suggestions
Give some passion to the dialogue in those scenes I mentioned. This story is fairly easy-to-read, it flows well, but those scenes fell fairly flat because of the dialogue.

Other than that... address the other things I brought up: the grammar, the biting, the rent.

This story wasn't that bad, really, so my list of suggestions is fairly short. As you have guitarists as a part of your story, allow me to mention, "Carry on, Garth!"
>> No. 76996
>>75862

Plot Summary
A group of Celestia's chosen forces set out to find the source of an infestation of Cheat Worms. Along the way, they find a much more pressing adversary: an old heretical cult, one that is dangerous and vile. They visit the city of Applemattox and run into a local marshal, and together, they stumble across the cult's hideout. Deep below the city, they find a settlement of Diamond Dogs, and with that, try to head back to the surface in order to call for reinforcements.

Phew, that is one long fic


Critiques

First off, some reading notes I took, that pertain to singular occurrences:

Both were soaked // I thought only one pony came through the door?

Just such a pegasus // clunky

>The joke often told was that his cutie mark, a winged wrench, meant that Fyzzix’s special talent was fixing the vehicles that he himself had damaged with his over-enthusiasm.
He's only crashed two vehicles, though... that doesn't seem common enough to be about a joke.

Also, his hind legs are completely metal, where is his cutie mark?

>If you’re brought before the Tribunal, you’re already guilty.
Second person is wrong in narrative fics.

>Lord Banehoof personally delivered the pie to Skyros’s face that ended the mad affair.
...
From a logistical standpoint, that wouldn't do anything. Even in Over a Barrel, the buffalo just got right back up after getting pied.

>There were runes so unholy that they burned her eyes at the merest glance.
If she's trying to make sense of them, though, that's more than a mere glance.

>My little Inquisipony
No.

>cross between a freight-train and a thundercloud
An extremely lame metaphor.

>run straight over a cliff
Er... I don't think "cliff" is the right word. "fallen into a deep underground chasm?"

>back on the ship
"on the baloon" seems more fitting

>These Applemattox
Zees Applemattox? (accent consistency)


Most of my critiques focus around chapter seven (or so), in regards to Mystic's dream. It really stands out as "dead weight," in that---even given what happens the next day---it doesn't really add anything to the plot other than a bit of character development. Given that you have a scene later between Mystic and Hairtrigger, I really don't think that warrants its inclusion, either.

Similarly, when they're at the city hall, they scare off a clerk on pain of death, and then proceed to completely ignore her in the face of exploring a tunnel they find. It seems very sloppy for military personel of their stature, that they don't even recognize "oh, yeah, she'll know we're gone."


From a formatting standpoint, I really think you should insert a page break before every new chapter. I think it's chapter two or three where the header is at the very bottom of a page... that just looks sloppy.


On a somewhat humorous standpoint, I don't think you should refer to a group of monsters that are held accountable for bad deeds done around town as "Diggers." It really came out when you were mentioning how they were blamed for things ("the diggers must've broke it" or "the diggers must've gotten him"), but that really sounds like an all-too familiar racial slur.


Finally, and my most pressing critique, the one that took me out of the story the most: Pastry weapons. I'll give you that this is My Little Pony, and for the most part, you do a very good job at staying within the limits of that universe. But at the same time, you have gem-loaded crossbows, lethal magic, gas grenades, plague-spreading worms, and bionic implants... the cutesy pastry weapons really, really, really come off as cutesy, weak, and ineffective.


Suggestions
I have very few suggestions that wouldn't be covered by addressing (or responding to) my critiques.

I stand by my statements in the document that you're a damn fine author, and that it was a very enjoyable three hours that I spent reading and reviewing this story. I usually end these with a bit of encouragement or well-wishing; in your case, I will change that slightly to "keep up the good work."
>> No. 77054
File 132614202137.jpg - (397.56KB , 1057x493 , Classy.jpg )
77054
>>76996
So we meet at last, Anonymous User 1...
I very much appreciate you turning your keen eye to my story without even being asked. Of the points you've brought up, I will try to address each one. If I disagree with a specific criticism, do know that I can understand what you mean, but it's usually a personal stylistic choice. Or me being stubborn. You seem to be reasonable enough person not to take it too personally. Anyway:

>I thought only one pony came through the door?
"Both were soaked" referred to his cloak and his hat. In hindsight (as these things usually are), that needs a tweak.

>clunky
For the life of me, that just made sense to me. But I think I got it.

>that doesn't seem common enough to be about a joke.
That number was referring to airship crashes resulting in serious damage. I was hoping to infer that less catastrophic accidents, as well as accidents involving non-balloon vehicles, were more frequent. Not sure how to make that clearer, though.

>Also, his hind legs are completely metal, where is his cutie mark?
I... well... uh... You got me there. I'll figure something out.

>Second person is wrong in narrative fics.
That's supposed to be a mental remark of Caballus, though short of an internal monologue. Would "He knew if you're..." be better? Or maybe "...you're already guilty, he remarked to himself."

>From a logistical standpoint, that wouldn't do anything.
I'll come back to this.

>If she's trying to make sense of them, though, that's more than a mere glance.
Will tweak, then.

>No.
Really? No? C'mon. It seems to me like a properly jolly thing for a (physically larger) Nurgle-aligned pony to say.

>An extremely lame metaphor.
You're extremely right. I just kinda gave up at the time and didn't get back around to improving it. Took another shot, and should be better now.

>Er... I don't think "cliff" is the right word.
That was kind of a tough one too. I think I'll try "the precipice."

>"on the balloon" seems more fitting
Seems my crossover is conflating a little the wrong way. I'm thinking "airship" would be most appropriate for general use, given it's not a spacecraft, nor quite a normal hot-air balloon.

>Most of my critiques focus around chapter seven (or so), in regards to Mystic's dream.
That dream sequence was a relatively hasty inclusion when I first wrote it. As it stands, yes, it's not terribly essential to the plot, but Mystic's dreams will play a more important role further along in the story. I may go back and add details to make this first one a little more relevant, but I feel loathe to scrap the whole thing.

>I really think you should insert a page break before every new chapter.
It hadn't even occurred to me, but it's a great idea. Done.

>that really sounds like an all-too familiar racial slur.
While this was by no means intentional, it had not escaped my notice (and I also found it a little humorous when I realized it). I wanted to come up with a name that the settlers could use to refer to the Diamond Dogs without their identity being too obvious before they actually appear. "Digger" was a simple word that came to me, intended to evoke a sort of superstitious boogeyman, sort of in the frontier folklore, "fearsome critter" tradition. And I agree it's most glaring in that particular dialogue. Would it be somewhat alleviated by changing those specific lines, or do you think the word itself needs to be replaced?

>Finally, and my most pressing critique, the one that took me out of the story the most: Pastry weapons.
I think of all the things I've done in this story, this is perhaps the most... I suppose controversial is the word. I have been told it seems out of place before, but more often it's one of the few specific details I get compliments about. Canonically, if the ponies can be said to have weapons of war, they are pies. Are they lethal in the show? No, but neither is anything else. Even though there are reasons pies seem out of place (and I fully acknowledge the ones you gave), I feel that giving the ponies guns would make much less sense. And I try to make it clear that, in this setting, they are effective (even if that doesn't make any conventional sense). The problem is that death is completely absent in MLP, but completely omnipresent in 40K. I'm still feeling around for the middle ground I want, despite how far along I already am, but this is something I'm going to stand by.

Regardless, I again thank you for the review, and hope you enjoy the chapters to come as well, as I may well be accosting you to review them as well.

The Princess Protects.
>> No. 77058
>>77054
>That number was referring to airship crashes resulting in serious damage. I was hoping to infer that less catastrophic accidents, as well as accidents involving non-balloon vehicles, were more frequent. Not sure how to make that clearer, though.
Perhaps move the line detailing that he was rough on machinery closer to the line about the joke?

>That's supposed to be a mental remark of Caballus, though short of an internal monologue. Would "He knew if you're..." be better? Or maybe "...you're already guilty, he remarked to himself."
Fair enough, but italics would be in order

>Would it be somewhat alleviated by changing those specific lines, or do you think the word itself needs to be replaced?
See, now that I've made the mental connection, I can't unsee the connotation. Maybe the "groundlings" or "cave ponies..." I dunno. I'm confident that there exists some word or phrase, other than "diggers" that you can use.


Finally,

>Really? No? C'mon. It seems to me like a properly jolly thing for a (physically larger) Nurgle-aligned pony to say.
Ehhhhhhh..... like, one of my main reservations about your work in its entirety is that it gets too 'cutesy' during dramatic moments.

that, combined with
>I think of all the things I've done in this story, this is perhaps the most... I suppose controversial is the word. I have been told it seems out of place before, but more often it's one of the few specific details I get compliments about. Canonically, if the ponies can be said to have weapons of war, they are pies. Are they lethal in the show? No, but neither is anything else. Even though there are reasons pies seem out of place (and I fully acknowledge the ones you gave), I feel that giving the ponies guns would make much less sense. And I try to make it clear that, in this setting, they are effective (even if that doesn't make any conventional sense). The problem is that death is completely absent in MLP, but completely omnipresent in 40K. I'm still feeling around for the middle ground I want, despite how far along I already am, but this is something I'm going to stand by.

I agree that it is incredibly controversial---in that I myself am torn between liking it and disliking it. I like it because it's related to the show. I dislike it because it makes no gorram sense in the middle of a fight. I liked your idea about slingshots (even if they were used to fire muffins/cupcakes), but yeah. This is the one part that, when you mention "X got pied in the face" I am having a hard time thinking that caused anything other than mild discomfort for a few minutes.

I can still suspend my disbelief, barely, but I suppose that, barring some better idea for a middle ground, you've hit the limit of My Little Pony crossed with Warhammer 40k.
>> No. 77059
>>76993

Ya, you have a really good point. I'll tell you what... I'm going to scrap the story as it is, keep the concept, and rewrite it. I did the same thing with one of my other stories, and look where it ended up. (See: Rewind)

As for Fluttershy teaching birds... ya, I didn't know where I was going with that one. I'll just let that one rest.

Thank you very much and maybe once I find some time (Between reviews of my other 2 projects) I'll rewrite this and get you a much more well written copy. Also, friendly wager... hmm...
>> No. 77060
>>77059

Well damn... that's me... not some anon...
>> No. 77065
File 132614669793.jpg - (8.65KB , 184x184 , Dash Salute A.jpg )
77065
>>77059
Godspeed, whoever you are.

>>77060
Oh.

Just kidding, I clearly know who you are based on the two stories I've read and your IRC presence
>> No. 77071
You sent me here from the IRC chat! :D

Title: Sparkle No More
Tags: Tragedy, sad, grimdark, alternate universe
Synopsis: "While trying to reveal the sixth Element of Harmony, Twilight becomes trapped alone with Nightmare Moon. She shatters the Elements and, in her supposed triumph, unleashes her dark magic on Twilight. Will the remaining five ponies be able to save Twilight and restore the Elements of Harmony or is Equestria doomed to eternal night?"
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_kWrc43cK4-dIe2pE-iG-0j3CjZZt5fr3st0YeEWBwE/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 77087
Looking for a critique for a long fic.

Title: Composure
Tags: Normal, Shipping - Twilight and Celestia
Description: We all wear a mask called composure, beneath which hides a heart that twists with guilt and hidden feelings. Regal as she is, Princess Celestia is no exception. What might be revealed should circumstances cause this mask to slip - or break?

Chapter 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EQlutgfc3AgZAeyUPfAhuIN7m14SvgFngY5E-Aevlkg/edit

Links to the next chapter are at the end of each doc, and comments are enabled.

Anyway, it's rather long at this point, about 45k words, so take your time. The pacing is deliberately slow and contemplative, and I want to make sure everything is working. What parts of the story may need to be reinforced, what parts to you think run the risk of being overdone? The story is about a third of the way through, and I want to be certain I have the right approach in my mind as I write the next chapters.

More specific notes are in the doc, there are things better left to the narrative to explain. Due to its length (if it suits you better) maybe look at it a chapter at a time when you have a chance.

Reviews by Vimbert
Ch1 >>44007
Ch2 >>49874
Ch3 >>65240
Ch4 >>73019

Review by JKinsley
Ch1&2 >>55068

I had a review by Seattle too, for chapter 1 & 2, but his thread seems to have saged.

Thanks for this.
>> No. 77120
>>77058
I've been brainstorming a little about what name might replace "Digger," and I want to see if any of the options have a good ring to you:

Burrowclaw
Dirtling
Snatchfang

The one I'm leaning toward is "Deep-Grabber," as it can be shortened to "Grabber" when appropriate and it still sounds like something from a tall tale.
>> No. 77125
File 132616624067.png - (114.17KB , 479x142 , Big Enemy.png )
77125
>>77087
>45k word fic
>Pic related. I may not be able to finish this in 24 hours.

>>77120
"Deep-Grabber" works, but you're going to have to change any time you mention them as "grabbing" something to reflect it. I'm not sure if you did, but a quick find/replace BEFORE you change "Digger" to "Grabber" ought to fix things.
>> No. 77128
File 132616770429.jpg - (51.33KB , 385x408 , 131281816393.jpg )
77128
Got a new one for ya. I've been working on it off and on for months, but I still don't feel too sure about it. This is very much a WIP, and I'm fully aware the summary is awful. It should be noted that this is the first of a planned two chapters, but I've been sitting on this since September or something since the Samurai reviewed it. It's vastly improved, but I still feel something fundamental in my approach is flawed. I await your insights.

Title: (Untitled)
Tags: [Slice of Life] [Comedy-ish]
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash has a chance to fulfill her life's dream of joining the Wonderbolts. But without anypony to act as her support, will her nerves get the better of her?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mychc40wPQvcpLLzcFhUeGjbezlyg-tP3SXLkIsaN94/edit

Comments enabled.
>> No. 77141
>>77071
Plot Summary
Twilight Sparkle confronts Nightmare Moon, just like on the show, but something goes slightly different from the show's sequence of events. Twilight ends up corrupted and fights her friends before snapping to her senses and casting off the corruption. Then she dies.


Critiques
I've made several comments in your document, so this section is reserved for my four biggest problems:

One, the combat feels especially forced with Applejack rising up, getting her ass kicked, and the Rainbow rising up and getting her ass kicked. I mean... they're long-standing friends, I'm pretty sure Rainbow wouldn't just stand idly by waiting for her turn.

Two, Twilight seems incredibly powerful---consciously. Now, I'll give you the whole 'hatching Spike' thing from Cutie Mark Chronicles, but still, that early on in the show, I don't see her as that powerful. Maybe a year or so later, when fighting Discord (because, if anything, balance can help your studies more than obsession), but during the first episode? I don't think she'd be that powerful.

Three, the pacing in this story feels a tad rushed. It's not terrible, mind you, but things definitely happen quickly. I mean, you're telling a complete story in under 4k words that involves corruption, betrayal, purification, reconciliation, and death. I'd like to see some more of the emotional reactions of every pony involved... without it, this story feels bare and somewhat quick.

Four, and most importantly: your logic for the healing spell. Why would it transpose the injuries from the target to the healer? And don't give me "it's magic, I don't have to explain it." It's equally likely that she could simply heal the injuries from her friends without killing herself in the process. With my willing suspension of disbelief out of the window, I find the rest of the story to be overly melodramatic without any basis to stand on (her death is pointless, so I feel nothing).


Suggestions
First, fix the combat. Now, Twilight is under the spell of an evil alicorn, I'm willing to believe that she gets some sort of power boost along the way. But show us what it feels like; don't just tell us "and Twilight was more powerful." Same goes for, say, taking out Rainbow and Applejack at the same time.

Secondly, expand on a lot of the key points. The emotions. The feelings. The effects of the healing spell. The mechanics of the healing spell. This story will be a lot better when you slow down to tell how everyone reacts to the events (and, you know, the events make sense).

I hope this helps.
>> No. 77159
>>77125
Oh, I don't expect you to. Take your time.
>> No. 77162
File 132617728160.jpg - (91.43KB , 800x640 , 132194012051.jpg )
77162
>>77159
Holy hell Var, you're up to 45k with Composure?! That's awesome mate! I fondly remember working on your first chapter o that with you.

>all warm an fuzzy reminisces

>Nice thread Nick :)
>> No. 77163
>>77128
>Queue jumped because Vimbert

Plot Summary
You lied.

Rainbow Dash is only like 17 in my headcanon. That means she's underage. So a first-person, masturbatory story about how awesome she is is like at least 10% molestation.

But, uh. Yeah. Basically, Rainbow Dash spends ~4k words sucking her own dick and amazing the Wonderbolts.

Then there's some sort of attempt at a twist ending, but it's so shallow and comes from nowhere that it has practically no impact, and I'm left guessing as to whether or not there's a shallow ending or no ending.


Critiques
The stream of consciousness... *hiss I guess I can't really call that as some sort of a flaw, but at the same time, it makes it really seem hard to read and ADD-like. Which... I don't think it works for Dash as well as you claim (by writing this). I think that mechanic would probably work a lot better for Pinkie than anyone. Similarly, a lot of the wording doesn't seem to fit Dash. It almost like she's too self-critical (and yes, that's taking into account the "ending").

Once I got past the stylistic choice, though, there wasn't much wrong. I wish you had given a bit more description on what happened as she fell to the ground---that part felt a little bit unclear for me. Like, I can remember her doing well at kicking the cloud, then going for the boom, then getting hit by the cloud then... ??? ... then she pulls off the Rainboom.

Finally... that ending. Or lack thereof. Uh... like. You need to fix it. As it stands, it's Rainbow Dash hypothesizing about losing. Yes, I get what you're trying to do with that. No, it didn't work.


Suggestions
Easiest first---fix up the action in her stunt.

Next... you really, really need to expand on the ending and give it a more concrete direction. I mean... did you want this whole thing to be in Rainbow Dash's mind? Do you want that sentence to actually happen?

Hell, you could cut from it, to the future at the party, then have Dash go home and see the rejection slip to remind her of what "really" happened. But maybe I'm just a sucker for twist endings involving a small piece of paper after the main character has been sucking his or her own dick

I dunno. I'm having a hard time think of something that works, but I'm confident that you do need to fix it.


I hope this helps, but I will say this: this has a lot more potential to be interesting than the original version did.
>> No. 77166
File 132618230684.png - (101.16KB , 470x266 , 130176124159.png )
77166
>>77163
Hm. That it was all in her mind... that's interesting. This was actually me just screaming to myself "it's not done yet, but throw the beginning in there anyway!" so, the ending, as such, wasn't meant to be one. I guess you missed the bit in my post about this being the first of two chapters... still, an interesting direction. I'll have to mull this over. An ending like you describe might be more interesting than what I had planned, and would let me wrap this up more concisely. I really like that ending idea.

> the stunt
Bleh. I fail at writing action scenes. I'll have to work on this.

> wording
Damn it. Another pony I can't write effectively, although that's now two reviewers who've put in a vote for me writing Pinkie Pie...

Guess I'll tone her self-criticism down. Aside from this and what you marked in the document (some of which I'm kicking myself for at present), was there anything else there that didn't work specifically?

Thanks for the review, and I'm glad I've made progress here.
>> No. 77171
>>77166
Yes, I did miss the part where you said one of two chapters...

ACCIDENTAL GENIUS TIME? ACCIDENTAL GENIUS TIME.


As for "other things with Dash's voice," I, uh... kind of gave up marking them all. But really, she flip-flops a lot between "ZOMG SO CONFIDENT" to "but I'm scared..." Which is somewhat fitting for Dash's personality, but at the same time... I dunno. I feel that Dash is a lot more "scared on the inside, brave on the outside" rather than the schizoid mix you make her.


>>77162
:)
>> No. 77310
File 132626539248.png - (20.35KB , 425x134 , Failure.png )
77310
>>77087
>My apologies on the lateness of this.

Plot Summary
Twilight messes up a spell. Celestia gets amnesia. While Twilight's caring for Celestia, they both develop/expand upon their feelings for each other.


Critiques
Looking at Vimbert's stuff, the only thing it appears you haven't really addressed from his critiques is the relatively light presence of the guards at the hospital.


Anyway, I made comments in-doc for you. A lot of my critiques (I.e., the "it's wrong"), you address in-story, so they aren't really "critiques" as much as "stream of consciousness notes."


Other than the comments, the two main critiques I still have are these:

1) Why does Celestia invite twilight to sleep in her bed? I understand the 'keep me company' at night, but that's... incredibly inappropriate. If they were friends, that would be one thing, but this is the social equivalent of Micheal Jackson's "situation" (regardless of how far he went with those kids). You lampshade it, true, but even then... at the same time, the logic isn't really that sound in the first place.

2) You've got a lot of words here, but not a lot of story.

Don't get me wrong. Your prose, dialogue, and narration are all excellent. However, this feels more like it's trying to be a character study than an actual story. Chapter three, you fully admit, does not progress the story at all---it's just an elaborate, excellently-written dream. Similarly, I'd be hard-pressed to think of anything in chapter four that progresses the plot, other than Celestia getting part of her memory back.

You're excellent at creating moments. However, you're decidedly lacking in stringing the moments together in order to progress the plot.


Suggestions
Give some more logic/reasoning for them to sleep together, first and foremost.

Secondly, drive the plot forward more.

Now, you've got several subplots at play: Celestia's amnesia, Twilight/Celestia's romance, Luna's jealousy of Twilight, Celestia and Luna's damaged/repairing sisterhood relationship (which, when I say it's 'creepy', I mean... I dunno, I'm of the opinion that they're too physical), and Twilight trying to figure out what happened with her spell. Ergo, it pains me to read scenes like the one near the end of chapter four, where none of these subplots really advance that much. Meaning, the scene where Celestia is remarking about the beauty and stuff of Twilight, and eventually coming to the conclusion that she might love her---that's good. The scene about the flowers that doesn't really progress the plot any? Not so much. I'm all for giving a story flavor, but at the same time, you can't let the spices get in the way of the dish.

So, I'd cut back on details, basically, on scenes that don't advance any of the plots you want to. Yes, it sucks---just last Friday, I deleted 3,000 words of a scene from my story because it wasn't essential to the plot---but in the end, your story will thank you.

And that's all I've got. This story was, as Vimbert put it, "delicious." There was not a lot in there that you did wrong for me to critique (hence how short this is). However, I'm disproportionately hungry after finishing it.

I hope this helps.
>> No. 77317
File 132627304612.png - (29.71KB , 100x100 , mangabigstar1color.png )
77317
>>77310
Thanks for the review! This evening I'll run a comb through everything you've suggested.

When you said it felt like a character study, I must admit it rather is. But the balance isn't right, I want it to be more story than study, rather than the reverse as it is now.

As for your points,
1) Celestia asked Twilight to stay because she remembered how quickly she became panicked when she woke up in the hospital, injured. She was mainly fearful for Twilight, so she reasoned if Twilight was there when she woke, she wouldn't fall into panic. Less "keep me company", more "when I wake up injured and confused from my concussion, make sure I don't wander the castle paranoid of assassins." Concussions cause confusion and difficulty with memory beyond the amnesia, which is why when Celestia wakes up in chapter 4 it takes her a while to remember she's even been injured.

In addition, well, something that became more and more important as the story progressed to that point was the fact that this is a bit of a jump forward in time, several years after the theoretical end of the series. If Twilight's in her late teens during the show, she's in her mid-twenties (or whatever is equivalent) here in the story. Celestia is asking an adult to stay with her, not a child.

2) Will absolutely do. I'll tighten things where your notes suggested and focus the narrative on solving those threads dangling about.

Thanks for the review, I really think this'll help focus my efforts in coming chapters.

All the best!
>> No. 77347
>>77317
Early twenties is still too young---especially for how sheltered you're writing Twilight as (no other romantic experience). The main problem I have isn't even the age difference, it's that Celestia is eternal. She's lived through hundreds, if not thousands of pony generations, and therefore, has all that life experience to make her extremely intelligent. Combined with the fact that she acts as a mother figure for Twilight and Twilight adores her, I really can't see this ending as an equal relationship.

See this link for more details:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WifeHusbandry
>> No. 77348
>>77317
Oh, and also do a Ctrl+F "Lavender" to get rid of all of the times you refer to Twilight as a "lavender unicorn."

I apologize that that slipped through the cracks on my review; it was right there in my notes.
>> No. 77354
>>77348
I suggest "the purple jailbait" as a good replacement in this situation.
>> No. 77358
>>77348
No, not TVTropes, I'll be trapped for the rest of the day!

And then, I was.

I'm ashamed by the LUS in the chapters as well, I can't believe I did that.

I thought I made reference (at least obliquely) to it in the last chapter, but Twilight has dated a few ponies. Just not very many - probably between 2 to 4, and not necessarily all mares either. If you feel it's an important point to bring up, it shouldn't be too difficult to do so. I just don't want Twilight to come across as the type of person who complains about their quiet love life, it's generally a very tertiary concern for her. Twilight's acting so tense and off-kilter because of the events in the story rather than a lack in experience.

Actually, thanks to the points you made here and your review, I have a strong scene in mind to open the next chapter with that could be used to address this and the 'failed experiment' plot.

I'll keep the rest of your concerns in mind as I write, because I'm concerned about them too. I have a direction I want to go in regarding Celestia's age and experience, so I'll do my best to address your points.

>>77354
Oh, you.
>> No. 77404
My story is called: "Enter the Ponyverse"

Tags: fiction, sci-fi, MLP, mane six, fanfic (didn't know what you specificly meant by tags)

Summary: A young man, in the brink of knowledge and the hustel and bustel of life, suddenly finds himself in a strange land, and in a strange form.

Note: It is only a rough draft and still in the process of finding an editor to help on my lack of proper english and story-writting/editing (english not being my first language)

DeviantArt: http://beirirangu.deviantart.com/art/Enter-the-Ponyverse-278799323
>> No. 77470
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77470
>>75188
Hey, Nick. Sorry, I somehow didn't notice your thread and assumed you were still chilling in the Training Grounds. Posted here for your convenience.

Updated synopsis: After an inexplicable explosion ripped apart the Everfree Forest, the sun that blessed Equestria and its neighboring kingdoms and city-states evaporated, for Celestia was caught within the strange explosion. Few people remain upon the Earth to ponder if it was mere coincidence, or what was the royal army doing so near the forest. A unicorn, a griffin, and several uncanny companions began an epic journey to ask, answer, and cheat the question through will, loyalty, and pure luck: what happened to Equestria?

Links:
Chapter I: https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1zC1Gv0NHeaYzk1NzFmYzctYzQzMS00ZGY1LWEwN2UtOWI0Y2EwOTg4NGQ3&hl=en_US

Chapter II: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AHoceGgarR_0XBlnhq6D0oJ4Cny-6-EwOUCI2UzOrYI/edit?hl=en_US

There were some pretty major revisions from the start of Chapter I to the part where Theranius, Rarity nad Grelok depart the tavern. It's not really that necessary to the second chapter, but it would certainly help context. There were no scene changes after that other than grammar changes and removal / new actions (i.e., not taking off cloak, or more description of the ruined city). After that, feel free to review the doc, it is opened for editing.

Thanks,
Zamoonda.
>> No. 77495
>>77404
>>77470
I will do these two tonight, but after that, I'm taking a break from reviewing. It's cutting into my writing time, and with a respectable 21 fics reviewed in 14 days, I say that I'm a bit overdue for a break.

>>77470
Don't worry about it, but yeah. I'm more accountable for my actions in this thread and I disagree with the average pace / quality ratio of reviews in TTG, so I made my own thread. Thank you for posting it here, though, it makes it easier to keep track of everything.
>> No. 77517
>>77495
Were you called NickNack before I came up with the pun, or...
>> No. 77547
>>77517
Yes, I've been Nick!Nack since I came here in late May.
>> No. 77561
QUEUE IS STILL CLOSED.

>>77404
>First and foremost, I am not an editor. Even if I were an editor, Google Docs and its Comments system is infinitely easier to point mistakes out in.

Plot Summary
Bailey is reading a book and wakes up in Equestria with no idea how he got there.

Critiques
Er, yeah, like you said, you need an editor. I review more for plot and telling people overarching grammar problems. If you want an editor, try >>43432 or >>76515 or even The Training Grounds (some reviewers there do a more thorough review than I do, but again, it might take upwards of a few days). Granted, your story isn't incomprehensible gibberish, either; you definitely succeeded in telling the story. You just need to polish up the rough spots, but I am more of a building inspector than an interior designer.

As it was, there were a few things that I noticed.

First, your subject/verb agreement is pretty off near the beginning of the story, so I either got used to it or you got better as time progressed.

Next, your capitalization needs work. Every time a new sentence begins (even in dialog), it gets a capital letter.

Finally, the worst offender in the story:
>It wasn't until we got into town that i saw a collection of ponies, some with wings and others with horns, all a wide variety of coats and manes and it wasn't until i noticed a rainbow that i realized that there was a pony at the beginning of the rainbow as well as many others just barely visible in the sky, all with different pictures of various things on their back side.
This should not be all one sentence. Furthermore, "back side," if used as a euphemism for "butt" should be one word, i.e., "backside." However, I'm not sure that, because of the postures, that even works for ponies; their flanks are more akin to our hips than our butts.


Style-wise, you have a lot of dialogue compared to narration. This is especially a problem because you eventually end up with a scene of four speakers---Bailey, Fluttershy, Twilight, and Spike---and you don't mention who's speaking. I know that you know who's speaking, however, I got lost and frustrated.


Storywise, this is very, very plain. I mean, I'll grant you that no one has specifically done this story before, but at the same time... even if you've got some sort of balls-to-the-wall epic quest planned for the next few chapters, you're probably going to lose interest right away because this feels like every other Human-turned-Pony-in-Equestria story.


The plot progresses at an... ample... rate, I guess, for this sort of thing; the only other thing that was out of place was this line:
>"[Aesop's Fables is like] those books we read to fillies to get them to sleep?"

>"In a way, but not really."

I don't get how "not really" comes to play; Aesop's Fables is not only a classic collection of bedtime stories, but how would Bailey (assuming it is him speaking) know that it's not like pony bedtime stories?


Suggestions
First and foremost, your grammar isn't the most pressing issue. Partly because you're not that bad (I've seen native speakers who are worse writers), but mainly because even if this was grammatically spotless, there'd still be very little incentive for anyone to read.

Human. In. Equestria. Is. Boring.

I've only ever read two "human gets transported to Equestria" stories that were actually enthralling, and that was because the authors worked very hard to deviate from the norm. Hell, one of these was a Sonic crossover, but the author worked hard on making the plot about redemption... anyway, my point is that if you're just going to write the "I woke up a pony, what is going on here?" part of the story, I'm not interested.

So, you need to make this story more than that. I know it's not fair, but there are literally hundreds of other stories that start just like this one, and frankly, because you didn't do it first, now you've got the pressure to do it better.

Ergo, my most pressing advice is to write something more unique. If that means adding in a new plot device (protip: don't do amnesia, an evil king, or some sort of disease that only a human/pony knows how to cure), so be it. If it means scrapping everything and starting from the ground up, so be it. You're not a bad writer. You just made a fairly mediocre choice for your first foray into My Little Pony fanfiction.

I hope this helps you.
>> No. 77591
>>75188
>1. Though your story need not be related to this fandom

So... You will review non-pony stories? I mean, after the queue is re-opened.
>> No. 77593
>>77591
Absolutely. While My Little Pony fanfiction is fun, I'm of the firm conviction that there's more to writing than multicolored marshmallow ponies.

It's the first point of my first rule, after all. :)
>> No. 77596
>>77593
Awesome. I'll be sure to drop my story off when you're ready.
>> No. 77601
File 132642992490.png - (22.05KB , 961x456 , Word Counts.png )
77601
>>77470
Plot Summary
Prince Theranius and Grelok are gambling in a bar in post-apocalyptic Canterlot and discussing the politics of a post-apocalyptic Equestria when a lavender unicorn enters the room. As there's a significant bounty on her head, most of the bar plans to kill her---Theranius included---until she offers Theranius a chance to offer sustenance for his people. They escape the hordes of angry bar patrons and travel to a hotel where the unicorn reveals that she is Rarity. Then, the three prepare to start finding the other five elements of harmony, but they are ambushed by cannibalistic pegasi and taken to the palace to meet a big bad guy.

Critiques
Chapter One
>“So you’ll get a bunch of bits off of me!” she said, peering at the staircase for a moment. “But you won’t stop the starvation of your kids! I can help you.”
Given the identity of the unicorn, this doesn't quite fit her. This is a somewhat widespread problem, where your characterization is out-of-character.

>The griffin completely forgot about the presence of Grelok, who leaped with joy on one of the beds.
Logically speaking, if he wasn't noticing the presence of Grelok, you shouldn't include it as part of his perspective's narration.

Chapter Two
>comments in doc

Other than the comments... I've got nothing. Everything makes logical sense (up to their plans to enter the vault, which get interrupted), the grammar's good... Rarity's still a little off, but even that isn't too major.

Maybe my one problem is that you're trying to go "quirky" with the tone from time to time; really, this story doesn't need that. Theranius is supposed to be some sort of a barren-wasteland-bred badass, I don't think that you should write him as lighthearted as he is. Similarly, his narration can get "silly" from time to time---no me gusta.

Another thing to watch out for is to watch out that you don't fall into Dan Brown-esque "every chapter ends on a cliffhanger" writing. Chapters should bring resolution to some small plot point, not introduce the next chapter.


Suggestions
My only suggestions for chapter one are: put a page break before the chapter header, fix Rarity's dialogue to be a tad more in-character, and fix that other line I mentioned.

After that, address my comments in chapter two and go through on a pass trying to make the story less quirky.


You mention that you feel chapter two is short and you want to expand upon some scenes; I'm with you in that I am at a loss as to where that should be. Perhaps, perhaps you could expand upon their internment at the castle before the big bad guy shows up, but honestly, I think it's fine as is.

Instead, I invite you to look at the image for this post: it is a graph of the word counts for my current story. See the "spike" near the end? That's what happens when you write a 42,000 word chapter for your story (chronologically, I had about seven different plot points to resolve within two weeks of each other, and they are nigh-inseparable). I'm content with how it turned out---I MIGHT try to go back and rearrange things a little, but for the time being, it stands as a lesson: don't worry about word counts. Worry about your story, and making sure that each chapter pulls its own weight from a plot point. Chapter two already does this.


You did a damn fine job on your revisions the first time, by the way. That's extremely encouraging to see, as a reviewer. I hope your revisions to chapter two work out just as well.
>> No. 77602
>>77596
Awesome, and I look forward to it.

Just, you know, after MY story hits a sort of milestone.

I am a selfish, selfish author sometimes.
>> No. 77611
Like you said Nick, you did a lot of good work, especially when the Training Grounds was backed up. So, in addition to this thread, you have all of those other reviewed fics too. Take a break, take a breathe, don't burn out. We'd miss you if you did. =D
>> No. 77612
>>77602
But of course. I'm happy to wait for an opportunity to get a solid review. Might check your story out in the mean time. I assume yours is Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel?
>> No. 77615
>>77612
That it is, that it is. However, I'm going to give it a pass-through this month and iron out the prose a little to get it ready for its final bump on Equestria Daily; if you haven't read it already, I recommend you wait a bit until the "newest edition" is complete.

I don't think I'm going to mess with Two Beats for a while. Maybe. If you want a story by me, that one's the one that's least subject to change/modification/retcons.
>> No. 77618
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77618
>>77601
Before anything, thank you for your very swift review, Nick! It is very appreciated.

I suppose I can edit Chapter 1, though it's already published in Equestria Daily.

And yes, you're right. This is remnants from my old vision of Theranius — some stupid knight in shining armor, me no gusta either. That was what he was when I just stopped where I was and written down everything that's on my mind before I forget it. I usually write entire chapters in hours worth of marathons, and then sit down and edit them to my liking. These are still pieces of his speech and quirks before he was meant to be what I fleshed him out in Chapter 1, but somehow these are evading me. I'll try to find them, but if you could just run a quick search for such examples, it would be very appreciated (I don't know if you already did, didn't read the doc yet.)

>don't make it so every chapter's a cliffhanger
I'm taking a look through all my documents of all chapters, and ... every one of them are cliffhangers. I've got some work to do, lol.

>fix Rarity dialogue
I'll do my best. I'm gonna watch around three episodes of her before I do so, so I'll get a sense of her dialogue.

>can expand on castle scene, but no need
I suppose.

>don't worry about word counts, make sure chapter is good
I suppose you're right. But this is quite an example of something I hate — to take an example, I really love the story League of Discord. One of my favorite still-ongoing ones, really. But it updates once a week and has something like 3,000 words every time, which leaves me thirsty and annoyed for more. I like to satisfy my readers, so they can lean back on their chair and say, "good read," instead of grumbling about "what? It's over already?"

I suppose I'm just nitpicking, or rather mumbling about nothing. I'll add a scene or two to the best of my ability (the Merrymaker scene was ridiculously short originally. Rarity wakes up, argues for a moment with Thernaius, Grelok makes a retarded entrance 1 minute of reading later, they hide by the side of the stairs and have dialogue I never want to see again), and edit what I can.

>You did a damn fine job on your revisions the first time, by the way. That's extremely encouraging to see, as a reviewer. I hope your revisions to chapter two work out just as well.
Thanks!

And thank you very, very much Nick for this fine review. I really do appreciate it! Just finished reading the doc.
>> No. 77624
>>77615
Bah! I read the first story before checking the thread, so too late on that. But I'll wait to read the second. And I'll be waiting in anticipation, it was very well done. I'll drop a comment in the thread on EqD so not to burden this thread. I have to say though, I'm not a fan of stories that attempt to redeem characters like Gilda or Trixie. However, you made it so compelling!

And the next story has the dreaded lone shipping tag. That alone would usually dissuade me from reading... but I must know what happens!

Er, sorry if I sound like a kiss ass :\
>> No. 77699
>>77624
I like to think that, like Fred Savage being read "The Princess Bride," I do well enough on the non-kissing parts to make up for it.

At least, that's what one of my "most squeamish/anti-interspecies" readers said (which I summed up here: >>46851).
>> No. 79015
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79015
>brushes the dust off his shoulders

All right, then. I've reached a lull in the writing of my story (in that it's done, all I need to do now is editing).

Plus, I'd like to at least keep my reviewing rate at the average of "one a day" for the entirety of this thread.

Queue is opened, and I somewhat eagerly await the story mentioned in >>77596.
>> No. 79067
>somewhat eagerly await
Let's hope I don't dissapoint!

Title: Project Redemption (Chapter 1)

Tags:[Non-pony][Sci-fi][Adventure]

Synopsis: Ardin Cross, a pilot who's skill knows no limit, finds himself grounded on a prison planet where death means, at most, a few months out of commission. The mysterious circumstances surrounding his demise sets him on a journey across the Project.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jadwGe9rSiOXRVfEXd2xWnA-66V3uf59Xry5vFHuVpw/edit
>> No. 79093
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79093
>>79015
>in that it's done, all I need to do now is editing

And yet... my email is empty. What manner of cosmic fuckery is this?
>> No. 79587
>>79067
>Sorry for the lateness of this review, but when you have to grind Pokemon with your buddies, you've got to grind Pokemon with your buddies.

Plot Summary
Ardin wakes up, in pain, in an abandoned medical facility. He slowly remembers the two situations where he almost dies, but is saved in the same exact way (pretty much) by his friend Patriot. Finally, he is taken to a settlement of some sort and has a conversation with a doctor.


Critiques
The grammar is rough here and there; mainly, hyphenating compound descriptors. I'd definitely give this story another pass through your editing process if I were you.

After the grammar... the style...

I'm conflicted on the style.

Part of me likes the disjoint, stream-of-consciousness sort of rambling air that you give to Ardin. It does more to establish his personality than any of your descriptors and interactions with other characters (which, you might want to look into), but at the same time... it's also very stilted. And rough. This feels more like someone's telling a story and writing it down than someone's telling a story by writing it down.

There's also a lot going on that... sort of "assumes Starcraft rules" of space colonization. What I mean by that is that you don't go much into detail about all the technologies about spaceships or weapons or anything, and---give or take a few points about the government---this can function as Starcraft fanfiction. That isn't necessarily a bad thing per se, but if you're trying to have this function as a standalone work, you need more exposition.


Mechanical issues aside, the plot is... I don't want to say "standard fare," but at the same time, I can think of dozens of movies and books where a lone protagonist wakes up in a medical facility and attempts to secure his or her freedom. You bring a little more to the table, though, what with the "being kept alive indefinitely to serve the full extent of a prison sentence," but you don't quite dwell on it. Instead, this really feels like it's going to go down the standard, "You're in prison, so your life is worthless... but we can offer you freedom at a price" type of story. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, per se, as there's only six basic types of story or so I've heard, but your characters are all pretty flat:

There's Ardin, a happy-go-lucky pilot who's sarcastic but self-motivated to live his own life on his own terms.
There's Patriot, a hardened, tactically-infallible companion of Ardin who's also a pirate, for lack of a better term.
There's the two lackeys who get sent to find/monitor Ardin; they both have a standard "disgruntled lackey sent on a mission" type vibe.
There's the doctor who... you actually did an okay job on him, with the "asking for forgiveness" bit. Me gusta little bits of inner thoughts/motivations like that.

None of these characters feel real, which means they aren't easy to relate to, which means your audience has little to no reason to care about them---and subsequently, your story.


Suggestions
I'd make the style a bit more uniform---in that, if you're going to go the stream-of-conscious, rambling style for Ardin's narrative, then you should make the part where he's asleep in the beginning feel more... dreamlike, I suppose. If you want to go with a more standard narrative, then I'd put all the direct thoughts in italics and clean up everything so it's a lot more... well, narrative.

Either way, I'd switch up your sentence structure so it's not "staccato sentences," where the reader can easily predict when and where the next sentence ends because they all have a similar rhythm.


I'd also like to see more exposition on the universe that this story is set in. You need to set your story apart and give it identity; it's not a good thing when I'm just filling in blanks with Starcraft Dropships.


Finally... you should work on making your characters feel more organic---and realistic. I mean, if all I've seen of Patriot is that he's willing to come to Ardin's rescue twice (in the most Deus ex Machina manner possible) and then he abandons him... you gave reasons for the latter, but why doesn't that apply to the former? Similarly, you need to work on giving these characters distinct identities: backstories (the stuff with Ardin's mother and sense of wonder at the sun was good, but ultimately wasn't connected to the rest of the story), personalities, and motivations are the key.


All in all, I'm a fan of the single plot element of "not being allowed to die." That seems... hellish, in an almost literal sense. I would say this story was worth reading for that element alone, but even then... you need to work to build up the rest of the story to the level of "Oh, damn, that's awesome" that you got with that punishment.


And that's all I've got. I hope you find this helpful, and I wish you good luck on your future writing endeavors.
>> No. 79602
>>79093
If I sent out every chapter without giving it some cursory overlook first, there would be a lot more jokes about placentas in that story.
>> No. 79635
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79635
>>79587
Thank you very much for your time, NickNack! I’ll take this review to heart, but I do have a few questions/comments before I start rewriting.

>It does more to establish his personality than any of your descriptors and interactions with other characters
This chapter I tried to ‘set the scene.’ I was hoping the flashbacks would adequately display Ardin’s helplessness when it comes to fighting and his aptitude for manipulation. The more in depth characterization will come with later chapters. However, I do have a few ideas I could use in this chapter, so I’ll look into that.

>"assumes Starcraft rules" of space colonization.
>I'd also like to see more exposition on the universe that this story is set in.
I’m afraid I’m not very familiar with Starcraft, but I see what you’re saying. I was hoping to leave the bigger picture out of the story, for the most part. Most of the relevant action has to do with the Project. I felt that including any more on spaceship tech (at this point) would be superfluous. I plan on more relevant exposition in later chapters. Do you feel it’s imperative to include this information in this chapter, or can it wait?

> "You're in prison, so your life is worthless... but we can offer you freedom at a price"
I can assure you; this is not that type of story. It will become evident right off the bat in the next chapter, I think.

>None of these characters feel real
Not yet. In later chapters (you tired of this excuse yet?) we will see much more of them. Not the guards, they are pretty minor. What happens with the doctor is yet to be seen. More characters are on their way, though!

>I'd make the style a bit more uniform
>I'd switch up your sentence structure so it's not "staccato sentences,"
This is definitely something I need to work on. The rambling style is pretty important to the story, so I’m keeping that in. I’ll make sure to unify the rest of the story in that regard. The sentence structure… my greatest bane. I’ll be sure to go through the sentences and try to vary them. Do you have any tips on how to keep this from happening in future?

>in the most Deus ex Machina manner possible
Oof… I protest this point a bit. The first one I agree was quite blunt. The second I believe had some semblance of foreshadowing. I was trying to make it clear that everything was set up by Ardin. He made sure his people were part of the operation. I felt like it would be sensible that Patriot would be ready to intervene. Perhaps I should switch him out for some other crew member so as not to make him appear omnipresent?

>work on giving these characters distinct identities
Duly noted

Again, thank you very much for your time. I plan on revising my first and second chapters accordingly. And… uh, I was hoping to possibly resubmit the chapter, maybe? And the second chapter, too. If you allow it, could I submit both at once?
>> No. 79645
If the queue is still open, I'd like to submit my work for review.

I'm having trouble writing a nice synopsis for this. I'd like to run it past you without any introduction, anyhow.

It's short. 4000 words across a prologue and the beginning of our first important character interaction.

[Dark][Adventure][Sci-fi][Alternate Universe]

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BwZA5uM12MBlZmU4NmQ5ZjEtZjE0ZS00OTA1LWE0NDctMjgzOTA3MzlhZjI4

I have a question concerning the [Crossover] tag. This fic borrows heavily from a roleplaying setting called Shadowrun, but most people who read this probably wouldn't see it as much of a crossover fic. In fact, the last reviewer who looked at this said I shouldn't use it.

The [crossover] tag implies things that aren't true about this fic, but not putting it there kind of feels like not acknowledging the fact that this is a mashup of ponies with another published setting.
>> No. 79649
Ok, I would like to drop a behemoth in your review queue. Feel free to only review as many chapters as you would like to (I don't expect you to do all of them). There is one scene that gets a little heavy, but doesn't really go beyond kissing (also it's about 40k words in, so you probably won't get to it).

[shipping][slice of life][alternate universe]
Dash couldn't pinpoint why she fell so hard for Twilight if she tried. Rainbow Dash's life had been simple right up until she began to fall for her. Now she has to deal with sleepless nights, unproductive flight practices, and the librarian constantly on her mind. With Dash's inability to keep her feelings from being obvious things are getting complicated fast.

On fimfiction:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3391/Flying-High%2C-Falling-Hard
>> No. 79652
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79652
Hey, Nick! I'm back with another chapter of Hell's Angels! Also I'm very serious with the ending of the chapter, what you will think that happened did happen.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hsSNUhmbA6mUR-DlOplsySdfvEUa_BMpMPzrp6eH8UQ/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 79678
>First and foremost, I'd like to say that my time for reviewing is waning. I have every intention of keeping this thread open and will definitely get to stories within 72 hours of their posting, but for now, bear with me as I try to get into a schedule that doesn't suck.


>>79635
>Do you feel it’s imperative to include this information in this chapter, or can it wait?
I'm not saying that you need to spend 3,000 words describing the alloys of neosteel titanium plating they use inside the engine carborator in order to avoid overheating under pressures above 4 Gs, but you should find a better balance between building the world and building the characters' off-world backstories. For example, think of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. In the scene where Luke is talking to Ben Kenobi in his hut, there's that line, "You fought in the Clone Wars?" It's a throwaway line, in that it never really gets revisited, but it succeeds in giving Obi-Wan the backstory of a retired general and hints at the fact that there's some sort of conflict going on You know, other than the title being Star Wars.

You want to build universe in your first chapter, that's okay. But if you only want to focus on the prison planet for the whole story, you shouldn't spend so much time in flashbacks building the universe outside of the planet.

>Do you have any tips on how to keep this from happening in future?
I probably err on the other side of this problem, but for me, it's all about throwing in dependent clauses here and there for added flavor. Sometimes put the predicate before the subject... I mean, I dunno. It's hard to tell someone how to use variety because there's not really a right mix to use---it's more important that you use it.

>I felt like it would be sensible that Patriot would be ready to intervene. Perhaps I should switch him out for some other crew member so as not to make him appear omnipresent?
Fair enough, but this needs a lot more expansion on beforehand. Starting the scene in medias res is cool, but it leads to the conclusion that Patriot is some sort of superhero.

>you tired of this excuse yet?
In as nice a way as possible, yes. This is the age of Social Networking and "Five Second Films," so the average person has an attention span of about thirty seconds. I don't care if chapter two and onward is better-written than The Lord of the Rings and has a cooler premise than Nineteen Eighty-Four; if chapter one doesn't sell your readers on the story, there is a very high dropoff rate before they even get to the "good" part.

It's something I struggle with, too.

>Again, thank you very much for your time. I plan on revising my first and second chapters accordingly. And… uh, I was hoping to possibly resubmit the chapter, maybe? And the second chapter, too. If you allow it, could I submit both at once?
Sure; just know that reviews take longer when there's more that I have to read and comment on.

And, das Queue:
>>79645 (My gut reaction on the Crossover tag is to include it anyway, as it hints that it's not set in the like 85% Equestria that most "normal" fanfics take place in)
>>79652
>>79649 (Deprioritized due to length, but I will get around to it)
>> No. 79949
>>79645
Plot Synopsis
Professor Daybreak teaches a class, gets offered a job, then meets a gardener while on the way to inquire about it.

Critiques
First and foremost, you need to standardize the formatting of your story. What I mean by that is that you start the first chapter with Arial 11, then the next chapter is Times 12. You also use lines of -'s or ='s to denote a scene break; I'd either use "* * *" or a horizontal line (Google Docs: Insert->Horizontal Line). Whatever you do, make sure to keep it consistent.


The grammar's okay, but that leads me to an interesting point: I found this story to be boring. What I mean by that is that the pacing is ridiculously slow. I'm not saying that you need to completely omit the expansion of the worldbuilding; in fact, I enjoyed those parts. However, the dialogue and actions of the characters are handled in a very slow manner, and that makes this difficult to read.

I mean, I summed up probably 90% of the important parts of your two chapters' plots in one sentence. That might be saying something for my summarization powers, but at the same time, there are a lot of scenes in this story that I'm not sure what their purpose is for:

-the waking up scene
-the elevator scene
-the entirety of "Chapter 1" as it is.

What I mean by the last point is that it's never explained why Daybreak needs to go to First Seed. They have an interesting information dump there about Ironwood's life, but... as it is, I'm not buying that this is relevant to the plot in any way. You might have a reason in "chapter two," but at the same time... without a purpose for reading chapter one, the odds of a "real" reader (and not a reviewer that promises to read the chapters you present) sticking around for chapter two are going to be very low indeed.

You also need to expand more upon what "Augmented Reality" is.


Suggestions
Streamline, streamline, streamline.

If you're writing a story, you should be telling a story, not just writing about the world that it takes place in (which... not to be a dick, but you said this is a crossover, so I'm doubtful how much of this world is actually "original" in the first place). I have a good idea of who Daybreak is, and Ironwood (you did a good job on characterization, or at least, it was better than your plot driving was), but you need to give me a reason to care why they're interacting.

Giving this plot a faster-pace (not too fast, though) is probably the best thing you can do for it right now.

And that's all I've got. I hope this helps.
>> No. 79971
>>79949

Thanks for your good work. Pointing out that entire scenes can be axed is a good step; believe it or not I've already axed several paragraphs off the prologue that even I recognized as gratuitous world-building.

You say you enjoyed the world-building. Is world-building in itself bland? If, say, major tension was introduced (bullets flying?) or the infodump in question was in a very strange situation (a crazy cult's headquarters?) would it be acceptable?

An important question: Is Daybreak's motive for meeting the other characters unclear?

Finally, here is the sum total of what is appropriated from Shadowrun. I'm not a major nerd for Shadowrun canon, so as you can see they're all generic ideas that jive naturally with the idea of "future Equestria," perhaps in a fun way.

- It takes place in the near future. Virtual reality, augmented reality, and cybernetics are the sexy cutting-edge technologies du jour.
- It's cyberpunk lite; not a crapsack world. Technology and corporatism are not shown in a positive light but they have not created a terrible dystopia either.
- Magic came back and the world reeled from it. Some people are 'Adepts' with supernatural aptitude; others cast actual spells.
- The whole idea of Shadowrunners, obviously.
- Magic comes and goes in cycles, hence 6th Age. The end of magic is always an apocalyptic event involving eldritch horrors.
>> No. 79975
Aw, hell.

You didn't even notice that Ironwood was one of the subjects of the study?
>> No. 80028
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80028
My Dashie fic, under the name "The Pursuit of Victory", was approved for EqD this morning! Thanks for all the help, Nick; your accidental genius helped me really get the ending down pat.
>> No. 80032
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80032
>>80028
>pic related. Good job, mang.

>>79971
>An important question: Is Daybreak's motive for meeting the other characters unclear?
Yes

>You say you enjoyed the world-building. Is world-building in itself bland? If, say, major tension was introduced (bullets flying?) or the infodump in question was in a very strange situation (a crazy cult's headquarters?) would it be acceptable?
I like the world. This story succeeded, if you want to call it that, as a "world-building study." But that's not necessarily conducive to a narrative flow, either.

As for more action... if you can tie it into the plot well, then yes, do that. If you can't, though, it comes off as forced and contrived.

>You didn't even notice that Ironwood was one of the subjects of the study?
Er... nope, I didn't.
>> No. 80230
Title: Stairway to Equestria

Tags: [Adventure] [Romance] [HiE] [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Suddenly his life ends, all too unfair. He sees the light, but entrance is denied.
He thus chooses to disobey Death and ends up in a world he never though he'll see with his own eyes.
Is this a new chance, a dream, or is his soul trapped between different worlds ?
One thing is certain: He will never stop living . . .

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5785/Stairway-to-Equestria

What I basically want is a review on the story. English is not my first language, so I also seek to improve my writing. Also, if there are grammar mistakes or stuff like that, I would appreciate if they are pointed out (I do have a couple of pre-reader and an editor now, so the chapters should be pretty clean)

Thanks a lot for your attention and I hope you will enjoy the story !
>> No. 80465
>>79652
>>79649
>>80230

Right, sorry it's been a few days, but I'll be getting to your stories... maybe on Sunday night. I don't have a lot of time where I'm at home on the Internet, unless I'm either skipping class or staying up late. But frankly, I don't want to do the former for your reviews and you don't want me to do the latter.
>> No. 80773
>>79652
Plot Synopsis
The chapter starts off with a flashback, where prince Theranius and his siblings are being punished for killing someone. It turns out that this is a distraction because there's an assassination attempt going on inside the castle. The "real chapter" starts, and Theranius is... oddly friendly with the alicorn that killed his father... before Rarity gets sent away to prison, meets Rainbow Dash, the alicorn attacks Theranius, they escape, they get caught, and then Tharanius dies.

Critiques
You gave me this little bit of an apology at the end of your chapter:

>This chapter. It is a mess. I know I can pull off Theranius's death far better than this. I know I can pull off everything in here better, this chapter is just a mess.

Uh, yeah.

Like...

Normally, I try to go "in order" in terms of the size and scope of problems with a chapter. That means that little things (like grammar) are usually near the top, and then story elements go near the bottom.

I don't know where to begin with this chapter.


My gut reaction is that you have too much going on in this chapter for it to just be one chapter. I'd say to cut it somewhere, but I'm also at a loss as to where: Rarity being put in prison is too early, and them all being in prison almost feels like it'd be too close to the end of the chapter.


My real problem, though, is that you don't really dwell on the characters' reactions/thoughts/emotions in regards to the events that happen in this chapter. All things considered, you narrate at a near-neckbreaking pace, and it's fairly difficult to keep everything in order.


Anyway, on to specifics:
-You don't really connect the flashback to reality in the narration, so it's a bit jarring to realize it's the same alicorn in the flashback as it is in the castle
-Theranius is far too... civil... to the alicorn that murdered his father
-Rarity getting sent away is too sudden and rushed
-The alicorn's "turn" on Theranius is also sudden
-You really need to dwell on Rainbow Dash and Rarity's reunion. I mean... they must've thought each other died
-Everything after the escape needs expansion.


Suggestions
Address all of my comments (in-doc) and specific critiques, slow things down a bit (more expansion), and submit this to me a second time.

Your first two chapters were much better than this was. I won't belittle you by saying this disappointed me, but at the same time, this wasn't up to your previous standards.

Good luck.
>> No. 80785
>>80773
Thank you for your review, but I just like to make two clarifications:

>Rainbow Dash
Rainbow Dash was just an illusion. The pegasus is Soarin, you might have missed that I called the pegasus a he. It's why it turned to italics once Rarity "realizes" the pegasus is Rainbow Dash

>Theranius being too civil
He didn't know the alicorn murdered his father until he mentioned that one of his split forms were Gerard. Or do you mean he's too civil even after that? I'll throw a bit more anger and uncivility into it, I think the problem is that one second he's too civil, another he just erupts. I need to make the entire scene aggressive between the two.

>everything after the escape needs expansion.
Imagine I TL;DR'd everything from the escape --> death before this, and this is my expansion. Looks like there's more expansion to do. And I had a little more faith in these chapters, but when I realized that I wanted my first four chapters in post-apocalyptic Equestria, I knew I'm gonna get myself into a big mess.

>fix, expand and resubmit, disappointed in this chapter.
Will do, Nick!

Once again, thank you for your review!
>> No. 80789
>>80785
>He didn't know the alicorn murdered his father until he mentioned that one of his split forms were Gerard. Or do you mean he's too civil even after that? I'll throw a bit more anger and uncivility into it, I think the problem is that one second he's too civil, another he just erupts. I need to make the entire scene aggressive between the two.
How many alicorns are in this story? Like... I think you should be clear there's more than the two/four (depending on which season's quality canon you subscribe to).
>> No. 80790
>>80789
There's only the main ones. The only other alicorns are the split form of Akarian. He doesn't command anything more than a regular power of a unicorn. He was originally a pegasus, as you saw in the beginning of Chapter 1. But he's a very minor character in the grand scheme of things. I don't think we'll be seeing alicorns again after this chapter.
>> No. 80791
>>80790
There's only the canon* ones.
>> No. 80897
Hello, and good evening.

Anyone who has been watching this thread (meaning, the people I have failed in getting a timely review to) has probably noticed the sharp decline in speed of review turnaround.

Basically, I no longer have the time to commit to reviewing stories as I need to in order to justify having my own thread.

So... rather than continue to waste peoples' time with slow reviews that don't have the level of quality to justify the low speed, I've decided to close my queue.

I will finish reviewing

>>79649
and
>>80230

tonight, but for the time being, my queue is now closed.

I hope that I was of some help to the twenty-or-so people I actually managed to get a review out to.
>> No. 80898
>>80897
You were.
>> No. 80913
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80913
>>80897
You indeed were, Nick. Thanks a lot for the reviewing you've done for me, I very much appreciate it! Thank you. You were of great help.
>> No. 80914
Agreed with the two above statements of your review being helpful. :)
>> No. 80919
REMINDER: QUEUE IS CLOSED

>>79649
>Only reviewing the first chapter because I found some problems in it, which would create a flawed premise for me to continue reading under.

Plot Summary
Rainbow Dash is bored, so she visits Twilight. And she gets a crush on Twilight.

Critiques
First thing first, your style in the beginning is rather grating. You use "she" as a subject for... I want to say ten sentences in a row, and... that's not the best thing to do so early on---you're creating a barrier to keep people out if you don't draw them in. Granted, it was an interesting hook despite your stilted narration, so I don't want to say it failed as an intro, but it was definitely weaker than it should be in that all-too-important part of the story.


Next up, your characters' dialogue... doesn't feel like the characters from the show. Dash is a too self-critical, Twilight is too forward, and all in all, I'm having trouble differentiating their voices from one another. Most of the dialogue is also... flat-sounding, meaning I don't perceive much emotion from it.


But, the part that I take most issue with in this story, your plot...

>Dash couldn't pinpoint why she fell so hard for Twilight if she tried.
I have something else in common with Dash: I can't pinpoint it, either.

And I read that part like five times.


My main issue with this story is the shallowness of their relationship. I don't mean the immaturity of the relationship; they just met. That's fine. But there's literally no point at which Dash realizes, "Oh, I like Twilight more than a friend." Her opinions of Twilight progress from:

-Oh, fuck... I'm so bored, I GUESS I'll hang out with Twilight

to

-Huh. Twilight's cool! I'm going to blow off my best friend for the record: "Wat?" to go hang out with her.

to

-*blush* We're... alone in this library...


The whole thing feels shallow and contrived, like you wanted to write a shipfic, but you forgot to add in the depth that makes this believable.


Moving on, there's a lot of things that don't make sense to me from a plot standpoint. Mainly, Fluttershy going off on her own (though I guess Spike is there) to go deal with dragons. I mean... she's cute and all, but she's also a coward. Remember Dragonshy? She needed five other ponies to practically drag her to the dragon's den, and only near the end did she snap at him. Granted, she DID step up to the plate in the end, but I would say that's a far cry from being cured of her phobia.

Next, why does Dash just... blow off Applejack like that? First and foremost, Applejack should see right through that lie, instantly: it's not like Rainbow Dash is ever bending over backwards to do anything nice for Scootaloo. Secondly... the running of the _______ only happens three times a year (with Winter Wrap Up being the other seasonal event), so... that's a fairly big event to blow AJ off over. I'll grant you that, canonically, Dash does get somewhat obsessed over her "new friends" when she befriends them so that she can blow off her "old friends," but I think that it's implied that Gilda's one of those friends you have from grade school that shows up once you're in high school and is a completely different person than when you WERE friends, so that isn't quite the same situation that you present in this chapter.


I also dislike how emotionless this story is. You give a lot of Dash's reactions to things that happen, but you don't quite dwell on them enough to give them any sort of weight. If she DID betray her friend (which again, I'm saying is a terrible addition to have to the story), she'd definitely be a lot more bent out-of-shape over it. Similarly, if she's falling in lesbians Yes, Vimbert, I took your terminology for it >:) with Twilight Sparkle, you really should present those feelings in a more concrete manner. Now, from the rest of your synopsis, I can only assume that there is some sort of angsty inner turmoil around the corner, but honestly, that seems to me like it's out-of-order: you have them getting to know each other, Dash being nervous around Twilight, and THEN Dash obsessing over Twilight.


Suggestions
First, make the intro flow better. That should be simple enough; a little bit of revision to vary sentence structure, and bam.

Make the characters more in-character, first and foremost. I can go read Danielle Steel if I want to read a romance that isn't related to My Little Pony, but you also say that this is, so I'm going to hold you to that classification.

After that, fix up the plot so that it makes more sense: in this chapter alone, you've got two plot devices that stand out as not making sense (Fluttershy and Applejack). They do serve some purpose (getting rid of Spike for the slumber party and giving the story a more organic feeling, respectively), but they do it in a way that makes me go "HUH?" as a reader.

And finally... work on giving emotions to this story. I'd like to think that emotions to a romance story are like violent action to an adventure story---it's why people read it in the first place. But there's a distinct lack of romance in the first chapter, especially given how "far" their relationship progresses, and I think that is a problem.


And that's all I've got. I hope you find something in this useful.
>> No. 81032
>>80230

>Sees the Human in Equestria tag.
>Hoo boy

Plot Synopsis
I'll start this by being blunt: I didn't read this. I skimmed it to see if there was anything notable of a plot other than "Brony #8951 gets transported to Equestria." There wasn't.

Alex gets stabbed, then wakes up in Equestria and spends like 10k words being doted on by Twilight Sparkle.


Critiques
To continue, I'm going to copy-and-paste something from another review, because it applies to your story.

First and foremost, your grammar isn't that bad. Partly because you're not that bad (I've seen native speakers who are worse writers), but mainly because even if this was grammatically spotless, there'd still be very little incentive for anyone to read.

Human. In. Equestria. Is. Boring.

I've only ever read two "human gets transported to Equestria" stories that were actually enthralling, and that was because the authors worked very hard to deviate from the norm. Hell, one of these was a Sonic crossover, but the author worked hard on making the plot about redemption... anyway, my point is that if you're just going to write the "I woke up a pony, what is going on here?" part of the story, I'm not interested.

So, you need to make this story more than that. I know it's not fair, but there are literally hundreds of other stories that start just like this one, and frankly, because you didn't do it first, now you've got the pressure to do it better.

Suggestions
My most pressing advice is to write something more unique.

I mean... honestly, I read the prologue. It wasn't that bad to read your narration about your life. It's just... I've read this story what feels like twenty time before. If there's one bit of suggestion I could give to this story, it's that you spend too much time immobilized and the plot doesn't really "go anywhere." But fixing that would be akin to putting a bit of tape on a broken dam. You need to, frankly, write something that's worth fixing, that people are going to want to read (if you're hoping to publish something). In terms of style, you're adequate for the story that's presented, so I think that if you want to improve, you need to have something that will challenge you as a writer.

You're not a bad writer. You just made a fairly mediocre choice for your first foray into My Little Pony fanfiction.

I hope this helps you.
>> No. 81035
>>80919
>>81032
And with those... this thread has served as much purpose as I can give it, barring responses and/or discussions with any previously-reviewed authors.

We'll meet again soon.
>> No. 81123
>>81032
Thank you very much for taking your time to read it !
I understand your reaction, it's pretty hard to get a review for a story like this :)

@ "anyway, my point is that if you're just going to write the "I woke up a pony, what is going on here?" part of the story, I'm not interested."

Well, since the story I planned will be pretty big, this is pretty much what it's all about at the moment. It saddens me that you didn't had the opportunity to read more of it and spot a bit of a plot. It's not much frankly, but it's starting to get there, and from all the HIE fics I've read, it seems quite unique to me. But that could be just me :D

I will continue to write on it, I was amazed by the reaction it stirred from the fimfiction community, I was expecting like 100 readers and 10 trackers or something like that :) At this point though I am not doing it for numbers or anything, I just want to get the story from my head and onto 'paper'. If I have at least one person that will read it once its finished and smiles, I will feel that it was time well spent.

Thanks again for your review !

Alex
>> No. 93245
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93245
>It is nothing else than the principle of the man who has the reason for being.

Until the end of the week, I am reviewing stories here again.

The original five rules are still in effect, and I will clarify that I reserve the right to take longer than 24-hours to review a story if need be.
>> No. 93247
Eh, might as well. I've never had one of my stories reviewed/preread before, so this will be an experience. This is also my first Sadfic, so I'm aiming to get some help from various reviewers.



Title: The Mourning Sun
Tags: Sad/Tragedy/Slice of Life
Description: Princess Celestia is haunted by memories of the past, and they are taking their toll on the demigod. This is the story of the Alicorn's darkest hours and the version of Equestrian history that nopony has ever heard before.

Google Docs
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-EnZfw6mKoA98hZXaohREzkeu8PTIt6MjRRF5l5Nwvk/edit

Keep in mind this is just the prologue, the first chapter in a three chapter story.
>> No. 93248
Hello, TTG seems rather backed up atm, so I thought I'd try some review threads.
TTG post is here >>92485

Title: Neo-Equestria
Tags: [Alternative Universe] [Adventure] [Dark]
Summary: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.
However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.
Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.

Links:
FIMFiction:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8505/Neo-Equestria
Google.doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GOmFmn2et6XZ_i3yYOzae-FtuZEWAKzM32vHKDGczrw/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/184Ix_NP9Gg2kJJKiwgg1kd3vgf-DJhTYEuXY_cKgzpM/edit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/191lJip2UjZBgGvJLkUgvQn6g1v_EAPqtJYb0ziD9CJQ/edit

EQD Pre-reader comments.

---

Dear Author:

Good morning! I'm Pre-reader 23-ish and I'll be going over your story today.

[List of Issues]

1) Capitalization issues. In Applejack's lingo, Ah is I and therefore should be capitalized. A few times, you don't.
2) Punctuation issues. Should have a comma after bed.
“Why ain’t you in bed missy?”
3) Scene building. You've set up a plausible alternate reality Equestria. Now give us the details. You need to describe things better; right now, most of the story seems to occur in a vacuum. You speed right along and stick two ponies in a room and have them talk. But what about the room? What about the lighting? Time of day? Carpet? Tables? Anything? When I read this story, almost everything occurs in a white box with the ponies moving around in it. Give me the details.
4) Along that line, you still need to describe the ponies themselves. If this is an Alternate Reality Equestria, how are THEY different? ARE they different? We need to know.
I think that is my primary complaint... you've built the skeleton of a world but not put much flesh on the bones. Same for the ponies, too.

[Suggested Fixes]
I think this story has potential, and I think you might need a bit of help to realize it. I'd like you to take your story to Ponychan and ask for a full review. Share with them my comments above, and see if they agree (I think they will). Then ask how to help flesh things out in terms of scenery, wardrobe, etc.
When you resubmit, include a link to the review thread so we can take a look at their thoughts as well.

---

Couple of things you might like to know:
This was reviewed by four reviewers on these boards before submission. If you would like to see these reviews just let me know, I have a copy of them saved somewhere.
Also, the story is still in MintyRest's queue (I think...)

Cheers mate.
>> No. 93250
File 133283067548.jpg - (1.02MB , 2550x3299 , Just Over the Horzine fimfiction.jpg )
93250
>>93245

Hello there. This is the first story I've ever written, but Vimbert The Unimpressive took a look at it, verbally slapping me senseless when I requested a vindictive review the second time around.

Getting another opinion on this would be nice before I try submitting it to EqD again.

Here's the more recent review he did for chapter 1: >>73937
The review he did for chapter 2 is gone (as the thread it was on is also gone).

Now, as a heads up, this is a crossover. It's mixing MLP with the game Killing Floor. Considering the nature of the game, I'm not sure if it would be in violation of rule #2 or not, but I felt it would be better to submit it here, rather than do nothing. If you do turn it down, I understand.

Tags: [Crossover][Grimdark][Sad][Tragedy][Sci-fi][Humans in Equestria][Ponies on Earth][Adventure][Shipping]
Summary: A government-funded science experiment has gone horribly wrong, and London is now infested with zombies that are slaughtering and devouring anything in their path. As a last resort, a lone scientist jumps into a portal in search of help. What he finds, however, is nothing he ever expected.
Meanwhile, the Summer Sun Celebration is just around the corner, and Twilight Sparkle hopes that this year's festivities will go off without a hitch. If she only knew of the grotesque future that lay in wait for her.
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14Axsr7uq-jhiB-j-CVDM4e621iMRMuVTNLmzkGC3FjE/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lx4snAZ3fS5tqXRgvczrpvccL3Wb2zJ7C4O6I683xqM/edit?hl=en_US

I'll be adding your email to the list of commenters and such.
>> No. 93253
>>93250

Applejack_is_WELDING_this_DOAR.png

God that game was impossible to take seriously.
>> No. 93256
>>93247
Plot Summary
During a lesson about illumination spells, Celestia struggles to keep it together because she's remembering Luna. After the lesson, Twilight starts asking questions about Luna's imprisonment, and the chapter ends as Twilight falls asleep in a very cute manner.

Critiques
The first problem that I had with this story was how Twilight and Celestia are actually talking about the Mare in the Moon incident. I'm pretty sure that this violates show canon, as in the show, she has to look up both the story of the Mare in the Moon and and the "Elements of Harmony." I get a very strong vibe from the show that the first episode is her first exposure to that story, so it definitely feels weird to have her bring it up.


Actually, scratch that, it feels weird to have her bring it up even if the show didn't exist. See, insofar as the third-person omniscient narrator you've got going, it's fine that I know everything that's going on in Celestia's mind. But Twilight accidentally bringing up the EXACT thing that Celestia's torn up about really throws up flags. I grant you suspension of disbelief, but at the same time, for a story that dwells on Celestia's emotions, she finds herself incredulous at the words of her pupil a little too often throughout this story.

In short, it feels contrived.


Moving on, your characters are very flat. Celestia's sad and Twilight's inquisitive/cute. Ironically, for a story that's about the emotions of Celestia, the delivery on them comes across as very forced. You've got body language and inner thoughts, but at the same time, as a reader, I can't help but shake the feeling that you are hitting me in the face with a "sad hammer" and telling me that this is sad.

Probably the main reason for that is that Celestia switches emotions far too quickly for an ages-old being.

I mean, I can get that she regrets doing everything to her sister and all, but at the same time, she's had almost 1000 years to cope, and if anything, her plan is coming to fruition: there's the element of magic right there in the room with her. Her emotions are so far detached from the actions and dialogue at times that it feels unnatural, and it's quite difficult to empathize with something that doesn't feel real.


The ending felt really flat and contrived, also; I mean, without empathy or understanding how either of the characters got into their current emotional state, I don't care that Twilight's falling asleep okay, she's adorable, but that's Lauren Faust's cute character design, not your work saying "friend!" as Celestia bawls her eyes out.

And that's a problem.


Suggestions
I'd strongly recommend omitting the "Tell me about how you imprisoned your sister in the moon!" part of this chapter. It feels out of place and out of canon, so really, it's just holding this back.

Next, with or without that gone, I'd set some goals for this chapter. Is this chapter about Celestia feeling torn up about what she did to her sister? You can accomplish that without Twilight even being there. In fact, I almost recommend that; all that Twilight is right now is a tape recorder with "1001 Sad Questions to ask Our Noble Leader."

Finally, however you decide to replan the sequence of events in this, fix your emotions. Make the emotions affect the dialogue and the dialogue affect the emotions. That's the key to making this feel natural; after all, that feedback cycle is the basis of human interaction. As of right now, Celestia's mildly unstable, and honestly, it makes me worried about her (is she insane?) as opposed to, "Man, I can't even imagine what it would be like to imprison your sister like that."

I wish you good luck.
>> No. 93257
>>93248
>>93250
>Jesus, those tags.
>> No. 93259
>>93248
Okay, my question is this: how much fixing up have you done between the draft that got rejected and the draft that is in front of me right now?

I remember you in the storyforge asking about capitalizing "ah" (and now that I actually read it, I entirely agree---an uncapitalized "ah" is mildly confusing). But aside from a few grammar derps (you need to capitalize every sentence in dialogue. Example:

>"Please stay for a while Mr. Soarin," Applejack pleaded, "let me thank you somehow."
"Let me thank you somehow" is its own complete thought, so it should be its own sentence. Capitalize

>"But you gotta be quiet alright? ah got some work that needs doin’.”
Regardless of your stance on "Ah" vs. "ah," this one is at the start of a sentence.

)

the writing's fairly clean.


My main point of confusion is that you got rejected for "not enough scene building," but there is a substantial amount of that in here... actually, I was about to point out that you do it a bit passively and/or redundant at times.

So, I guess, can you give me a brief detailing of what all you changed since you got rejected from EQD?



One note I will mention is "pollution." Why would magical gems emit pollution? If they're a magical energy source, even mining would be pollution-free after the first generation refining, when they switch to gem-powered mines/refineries. Think about it in terms of wood versus coal: it took X amount of wood-powered steam engines to mine for coal effectively, but then they switched over to coal, which is more efficient than wood. After that switch, wood pollution is almost minimal (though it's not a perfect metaphor, because coal pollutes but I'm not sure about why gems do).
>> No. 93261
>>93259
Oh wow, you work quickly my friend.
I've actually done pretty much nothing since the EQD rejection, I figured I'd get a in depth review as suggested before I start changing stuff and make things even worse. Also, I'm rather busy with a test and assignment due this week, so I guess you can chalk that up to laziness. (Though I was definitely not expecting a reply this quickly.)
As for the grammar and punctuation errors, I'm quite new at writing, so I am still learning. Sometimes I'm not even sure where a new sentence should begin. Very sorry about that, I hope it doesn't put you off too much.
And sorry about the quick reply, I really have to get back to studying after procrastinating all of last week. If you would like me to fix up some of the mechanical errors before reviewing, I'll be glad to do that in the weekend.

Cheers.
>> No. 93262
>>93261
Oh and I completely forgot to address the pollution question, silly me.
The reactors that convert the magical energy into electrical energy creates pollution, gemstones are consumed in the process and reduced to airborne pollutants.
>> No. 93264
>>93256

>Plot Summary
More or less what I was aiming for, so that's good.

>Twilight bringing up the "Mare in the Moon"
I agree. The way I presented it was a bit against canon, and it wasn't that smooth of a transition either. I'm going to bypass that though without even mentioning "Mare in the Moon"

>Twilight bringing up what's tearing up Celestia
Admittedly, it was kind of spontaneous in the way Twilight kept asking the perfect questions. To make things flow a bit better I'll make Celestia lie and deny the truth to herself, rather than simply act completely retarded. I want Twilight in the prologue though to involuntarily make Celestia think and inevitably claw at herself. It's the perfect build up I see for the story and epilogue, but since neither of them are finished yet I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

>Characters are flat
Twilight being cute? Well, she's an innocent filly and that's what I'm trying to perceive her as, so that's good. As for forcing Celestia's emotions out of her, I kind of did go overboard a bit. I'll be sure to tone it down.

>Hitting the reader in the face with the "sad hammer"
Oh god I love that term. But I see what you mean there.

>Celestia switches emotions far to quickly
Come on, she's been holding back on herself for almost a thousand years. The dam was going to burst eventually. But I suppose it could be drawn out a bit.

>1000 years to cope
And she's been doing it well by hiding it, and by making complete falsities of certain parts of Equestria's history. When Twilight inadvertently asks her about the topic, Celestia can't ignore it anymore without spilling her secret. The secret? It will be explained more in the next chapter and Epilogue.

>Emotions are so far detached
I see what you mean. Now that I think about it, a large part of that had to deal with things moving too fast.

>Ending flat and contrived
You like those two words, don't you? But I kind of want the reader to be left wondering about Celestia's past as hinted by previous allusions. In fact, the entire last page or two is in for some major revision already as it is. It won't end so suddenly.

>Omitting "Why'd you imprison your sister?"
I actually want to keep that, but I decided I'll be taking a different approach that will leave Twilight oblivious to Celestia even having a sister.

>Twilight not even being there and asking 1001 questions
No, Twilight has to be there. She's the force that pulls Celestia into questioning herself for banishing Luna (that part too will be revised.) And as for asking 1001 questions... I hope to turn that down to 101, if you know what I mean.

>Make the emotions affect the dialogue and the dialogue affect the emotions
Always been a difficult spot for me. Perhaps you could provide some examples?

All in all, thanks for your input! And thanks again for being the first to ever proof read one of my stories. I greatly respect your opinions, and I love how there's complete strangers out there willing to help others and another reason as to why I love this fandom. I'll be sure to mention you as a proof reader when I eventually publish the story. That is, if you're okay with that.
>> No. 93267
That is a lot of detail for five rules! Nice to know you'll review non-pony works, though - I have non-pony fic thoughts from time to time (like a Tengen Toppa Gurren Laggann/Bleach crossover, which promises to be ridiculous).

Rule 2 may bite me on this story, because it's written SFG-style:

Title: Butter Cream
Tags: [Shipping] [Slice-of-Life]
Decription: Vinyl Scratch is sat in a bar. Fluttershy walks in. Shipping ensues. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are stood outside waiting for her. Hilarity and Ham ensue.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13xgAUQQU9wqvTOMXxGjQjqN0dWmz89LH7OtE9bCjnZo/edit
There are a couple of sentences in here that I felt were a bit awkward, but couldn't find a way to improve on myself.
>> No. 93280
>>93261
>>93262
I'm asking around, but I'm going to hold out on a full-fledged review for now. You sound busy, but if there's something you want to work on in the meantime, your descriptors are slightly redundant and your grammar could use a little work.

>Come on, she's been holding back on herself for almost a thousand years. The dam was going to burst eventually. But I suppose it could be drawn
out a bit.
Well, exactly. I'd think that the dam would burst a bit more dramatically and from proper stimuli as opposed to arbitrarily from a barely-related question. See:

>>Make the emotions affect the dialogue and the dialogue affect the emotions
>Always been a difficult spot for me. Perhaps you could provide some examples?
Okay, let's imagine person A and person B. A is hungry, B is slightly tired, but they still have no grudge, so they meet on fairly neutral terms.

A: "Hey, what's up?" (neutral greeting)
B: "Not much." (dismissive, bored answer)
A: "Want to grab food?" (inquisition based on hunger)
B: "Nah, man, I'm tired." (rejection based on tiredness)
A: "C'mon, it'll be fun." (urgency based on hunger and )
B: "Eh, sure, whatever." (placating. at this point, A's persistence has outweighed B's initial rejection, and B realizes he "could eat.")

So in this small example, B's mood changes from "slightly tired" to "slightly tired but amicable." Now, it's a weak change, but the two characters had fairly weak emotions going into the exchange in the first place. I also didn't want to include personality into the equation.

Basically, it boils down to role-playing. You've got to imagine your two (or three or four) characters' emotions as they perceive the conversation, and then they act on those emotions (which causes reactions from the other characters, and so on). Make sure that the reaction matches the stimulus, too: though minorly amusing, it doesn't necessarily make sense for someone to go:

A: "Hey, what's up?"
B: *punches A in the face*

unless there's past history there.

And that comes back to your fic, there is past history with Celestia, but there's not enough stimulus being presented where it should draw that up (and I didn't get a consistent "obsessed" vibe from her, either).

>That is, if you're okay with that.
I don't demand thanks, but I'm not opposed to it, either.
>> No. 93289
>>93257

I'm sorry for that, but EqD was all, "put in all the tags," and this is a long story, so I was all, "okay."
>> No. 93293
I put this in the training grounds already, but odds are it'll be weeks before it's seen to. Plus, I would enjoy having an outside opinion.

-Title: Minotamed

-Author: Silverquill

-Tags: [Comedy] [Slice of Life]

-Synopsis: Fluttershy receives a familiar visitor one day, a certain minotaur named Iron Will. When he asks her to teach him her kind ways, she decides to help him. But what if he takes the lessons a little too close to heart?

(Based off the prompt 'A Double-edged Sword')

-Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sR-PMumbj8JFdjt2Isb-H_g3ztaiXqi2rkMxlLdkqBs/edit#

This won second place in the /fic/ off, if that's any assurance on what to look forward to. This fic seems to be half-and-half; some like it, some don't, and that's where multiple opinions help. Thanks in advance, friend.
>> No. 93343
>>93280
Alright, I'll be free again on Friday, so I will go and work on that grammar.

>your descriptors are slightly redundant
As in too much? Damn, now I'm really confused.
>> No. 93365
I should have known that it was only a matter of time before life returned to its usual manner of Hell.

Reviews for the following are incoming shortly:
>>93248
>>93250
>>93293
>> No. 93374
>>93248
Plot Summary
The Apple family is having financial problems, and then the Wonderbolts are hired by an evil corporation to burn down their orchard. Based on your story's summary, this is to get them to move to a new, modern city where they encounter an evil bad guy that must be defeated.

Critiques
I almost hate to follow Prereader 23's critiques as closely as I am, but really, this story is pretty solid in the first place. So, yes, this is mostly going to be a repeat of Prereader 23's critiques, but I hope to expand on them in the process.


In terms of your grammar, it's mostly clean. One of the things that I noticed was that you don't hyphenate compound descriptors. For example:
>never ending conversation

should be
>never-ending conversation.

I also found a few comma splices:
>The goggles were coming in handy, he would of had trouble keeping his eyes open in the suffocating smoke without them.

Needs a conjunction or a semicolon:
>The goggles were coming in handy; he would of had trouble keeping his eyes open in the suffocating smoke without them.
>The goggles were coming in handy because he would of had trouble keeping his eyes open in the suffocating smoke without them.

There was also the matter of capitalizing "Ah" as it's used in place of "I." Again, I highly recommend you conform to it, because "ah" is a filler word, so, ah, it's mildly confusing to see it un-capitalized in the middle of the sentence.


Next, Prereader 23 says that you have, basically, "Talking Heads Syndrome." I can see this in a couple of scenes where basically, you only have the dialogue. You do a decent job building the scenery in most scenes, but then you don't really use it. The ponies just stand there, talking. I suppose that can be natural, but at the same time, it would be nice to see them interact with the scenery and/or furniture a bit more. Also, show some of their emotions through body language.

If anything, though, I'd say you might want to streamline your descriptors of the scenery a little.
>The window frames were painted milky white and the roof lavender, with thin lines of white streaking across horizontally.
Is a nice touch, but I can't help but think that you can say this in fewer words:
>The house, with its white window frames and lavender roof, sat on a hill (yadda yadda yadda).


Suggestions
I'd go over this with a few more editing sweeps. The first round, look for grammar issues. Read slowly, read wholely. Generally, after a punctuation mark, you need a capital letter (with a comma, colon, or semicolon being the most prominent exceptions). Make sure you capitalize sentences in dialogue.

Next, add in little actions and interactions with the environments. Your dialogue is good and it drives the story, but the scenes themselves leave a little to be desired. While you're at it, try to make your scene descriptions as efficient as possible; a little trimming can go a long way to foster readability.


Finally... I disagree with Prereader 23 on the need to "make your characters seem more different." It's an alternate universe that still focuses around the main characters. The universe is different, so they're already different enough: Applejack is harder, Rarity is more hoity, Pinkie Pie is more level. Perhaps work on altering their dialogue slightly to reflect this, but it's my opinion as a reviewer that this story already establishes its "alternateness" enough. It is my opinion as an Equestria Daily Prereader that, once you fix the grammar and character actions, this story will be ready to be posted. :)
>> No. 93387
>sorry to barge in
>>93374
>he would of
*would have
>> No. 93391
>>93250
Plot Summary
A company invents trans-universal portals. A scientist dies in a test. And everyone. fucking. TALKS.

I'm sorry, but I found myself forcing myself to read this after around page 2. By page nine... anyway, on to:


Critiques and Suggestions
Your grammar's passable. Your characters are all kind of disgruntled assholes, but they actually work pretty well for a "Ruthless Evil Corporation." But I don't freaking care about their day-to-day lives.

On that note, this needs a good, thorough trimming. Start with the basics: Make an outline for the overarching conflict that gets resolved in this story. Make a conclusion, then plan out everything that leads up to that conclusion, and then start your story as close as you can to that conclusion. Little details here and there are fine for world-building, but after nine pages of "ninety percent chaff I mean, it's a story about portals. WHY ARE THE BIOLOGICAL CREATURES NECESSARY TO THE PLOT? and ten percent plot progression," I gave up my willingness as a reviewer] to read this.

If I were reading this for pleasure, I would've been gone around the middle of page three.

Information dumps are interesting in an academic sense, but you need to weave the NECESSARY information into the narration. Dialogue especially should serve as a way for characters to interact in a manner that progresses the plot.

For example, let's say that this story is about Kevin, who wants the most perfect scrake in the universe.

This exchange between Kevin and his scientists:
>The door opened and in walked Kevin. He approached the two scientists, with his arms folded behind his back. “Gentlemen.”
>“Mr. Clamely,” Gary and Victor said in unison.
>“I understand that you two oversee scrake productivity, correct?”
>“Yes sir, we are,” Gary chimed in.
>“Then I trust you’re fully aware that their vitality is near zero?”
>Gary shot a nervous glance at his partner.
>“It’s a regrettable fact, sir,” Victor said without skipping a beat. “But we think we’ve found the cause of that, and a temporary solution to those problems.”
>Kevin’s eyebrows were slightly raised. “Really? What did you find out?”
>“After running a series of tests,” Victor said, “we’ve concluded that the scrakes seem to have a poor immune system. So we’ve decided to add surgical masks onto each clone to increase productivity.”
>“Surgical masks?” Kevin said in disbelief, “You two are working in a biotics... and you decide to add surgical masks and call that progress?”
>“Survivability rates have climbed up from forty-three percent to sixty-five percent... sir,” Gary stated.
>Kevin looked at both of his employees. “Are these numbers accurate?”
>“We’ve triple-checked them, sir.” Or rather, I triple-checked them, Victor thought to himself.
>Kevin looked as if he were torn between being in awe over their results, or in awe over how lazy an idea the masks seemed. “It’s... satisfactory at best. But I expect to see a more professional-looking specimen the next time I come down here. We’re scientists, here. You two can do better than slap a mask on them and call it a day.”
>Victor said, “We’ll make them as best as we can, sir.”
>“No,” Kevin sharply retorted, “you won’t make them better... you’ll make them perfect, understand?”

Could be written as:
>Kevin entered the labs to inquire about the skrake longevity. After hearing about the scientists' makeshift progress, he reminded them that their goal was nothing short of perfection.

And it should only be expanded upon if something said in the dialogue or emotional reactions of the characters is important enough to come back later on in the story.


So, I leave you with a short review and a large task at hand: take this story and trim out a massive portion of the insignificant details. Once you streamline and focus on the plot and the characters (but only as much as they're important to the plot), this will be much more entertaining to read.
>> No. 93392
>>93387
Yar, that be a typo to look out for, too. Thanks EZN.
>> No. 93397
File 133291597284.png - (207.39KB , 1053x882 , spoiler.png )
93397
>>93267
Plot Summary
Vinyl Scratch is drinking in a bar, "Fluttershy" enters into the scene, and then they fuck.

I had the right to reject this. Out of courtesy, I'll explain what I found wrong and how you can fix it out.

Critiques
Grammar stuff:
>It was late, really late, but that was fine for the disk jockey, since she often played to dancing crowds right through the night, and when she wasn’t, she’d be at the K-Colt studio, in the middle of Hoofington, playing away to whoever was listening instead of simply setting up one of her pre-recorded mixes.
Is a run-on sentence

>"We’ve been stood here for hours."
Whut?


Your characters were extremely one-dimensional. Vinyl Scratch has no inner thoughts or desires except for having sex with Fluttershy. Fluttershy has no motives other than to physically please Vinyl Scratch. The bartender is good at bartending (but he's a background character, so this isn't the worst thing).

Fluttershy was out of character. Ego lessons or no, she wouldn't be very passive about kissing, massaging, making out with, or fucking another pony. If she doesn't want something in the show, she's been shown to be very resistant to those notions. So, since she's going along with all this, I'm inclined to guess that she wants this physical romance.

And that just makes me wonder BUT WHY.

Along with the flatness of the characters, they're also very emotionless. This whole thing reads like robot porn. Now, thankfully, you didn't go as graphic on the sex end of things, but it's still a pretty gratuitous amount of sex and sex-like activities for how little emotions, characters, and actions there are.

The comic relief with Rarity is amusing but pointless.

The fact that you found that image that has all of the pony drinks on it does not impress me.


Suggestions
Give your characters depth, motives, and emotions. Tone down the sex, keep them in-character, and make this gratifying for someone to read who isn't scrolling with one hand and stroking with the other.

Not that there's anything wrong with that[/Seinfeld]
>> No. 93422
File 133291830418.jpg - (8.65KB , 184x184 , Dash Salute A.jpg )
93422
>>93293
Plot Synopsis
Iron Will comes to learn how to be "nice" from Fluttershy. He overdoes it, then finds a happy medium.

Critiques
...

I pointed out a few places where this had awkward phrasing, but really, I don't have much. It's a simple story, but it's lighthearted, so it fits. The grammar and characters are well-done.

Hell, for all intents and purposes, this was an episode... that didn't feature any of the other main six.


Suggestions
Find a title image and submit this to Equestria Daily so that other people can enjoy this.
>> No. 93424
File 133291843938.png - (20.35KB , 425x134 , Failure.png )
93424
Still, with six stories in two days, I figure that I must've helped someone.
>> No. 93431
>>93424
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
>> No. 93462
>>93422

Thanks for the assistance and (what I assume was) praise, mate.

But could you possibly expand more on when you said 'Awkward' and 'Contrived'? Didn't quite understand.
>> No. 93463
>>93374
Thanks mate, cheers for elaborating on pre-reader 23's concerns.
Had my test today, and due date on the assignment has been pushed back to Monday (yay), meaning I can start working on this right now.

>"Talking Heads Syndrome."
I think this is a good way to put it. I've been describing scenes and then moving on to blocks of dialogue, separating the two. I'll try my best to integrate them and streamline some of the longer/redundant descriptors as you suggested.
And grammar is a real pain, since I'm really quite terrible at it, but I'll go back again and try my best to fix it up.
Would you be willing to give this another look before I submit again? I'm afraid there may be some mechanical errors that I simply don't understand and cannot fix on my own.

Anyway, very grateful for the insightful and timely review. I'll be sure to include you in the list of reviewers who have helped me out.
>> No. 93464
>>93397
>But why?

Because when I started no-one lese had done it yet. And I kinda wanted to be first.

And now there's a multi-part fic on ED so I didn't even get that. Oh well.

>Your characters were extremely one-dimensional.
>Depth, motives and emotion.
Yeah, I'm pretty terrible at characterization most of the time. I guess I'll get better at it with practice.

Overall, because I'm terrible at going back and editting stuff I've written, I'm instead gonna use your critique as advice for next time I try writing something.

Thanks!
>> No. 93503
>>93462
Awkward phrasing is when you say something in a way that could be put better, but because it isn't, it sounds worse. From what I remember, your example of that was some dialogue that had the speech verb in the middle of the speech. I felt that it would've been better, in that case, to keep the dialogue "whole" and to have the speech verb after.

As for "contrived," the "people constantly coming and going from the hardware store" stretched my suspension of disbelief, slightly. But, it's the sort of comedy / unrealistic scenario that's present in the show, so I can forgive it.


>>93463
>Would you be willing to give this another look before I submit again?
Email it to me


>>93464
>I'm instead gonna use your critique as advice for next time I try writing something.
With all due respect, I think that's the best course of action. Even if you tried to fix Butter Cream to give it the emotional depth required of a shipping story, you'd probably end up having to throw the whole thing out and start from scratch.
>> No. 93512
>>93503

Alrighty then, all issues have been fixed. Thanks once again for your help. I'll probably hold out on submitting 'til I get at least one more review (again, the whole 'half-and-half' issue), but that gives me time to find a suitable image. Thanks yet again, and have a nice day.
>> No. 93770
>>93391

Welp, I guess this needs more work than I thought it would. Guess I'd better get started.

> Make a conclusion, then plan out everything that leads up to that conclusion, and then start your story as close as you can to that conclusion.
So what you're basically saying is to begin with a mention of the big event, then have it revert back to where things began? I'm just trying to make sure I don't misunderstand you here.

> it's a story about portals. WHY ARE THE BIOLOGICAL CREATURES NECESSARY TO THE PLOT?
Well, it's not about that. The specimens are actually the main reason why things go wrong. Should I relate to this in the beginning as well?

> This exchange between Kevin and his scientists
These scientists are actual characters for the story, which is why I had them talk to Kevin. Again, maybe they should be mentioned in that beginning segment you talked about so others know they're not just randoms thrown in to stretch out the story.

Regardless of all this, I thank you for your honest opinion on this story of mine. Hopefully I can get it to the EqD-worthy story I imagine it to be.
>> No. 93859
>>93770
>So what you're basically saying is to begin with a mention of the big event, then have it revert back to where things began?
No, I mean in your planning phase of the story, make sure you've got a destination in mind that all of the plot advances to.

As for the things that appear unimportant but actually are, yeah, you need to do a better job weaving their relevance into the plot. And again, you need to cut down a lot of the pointless chatter, even if the characters are important. No one wants to see a fifteen minute scene of the movie devoted John McLane sitting down and eating dinner with his family; if you give the audience enough cues that "this is a normal person," they'll believe it.

Similarly, you can hint at the scrakes causing electronic monitoring equipment to fail (which could, in turn, have left to a whole batch of them dying due to an inclimate habitat); a whole scene devoted to, "YES... I LOVE MY PRETTIES..." and yelling about it to the other scientists is probably going to be unnecessary.

Generally, the less you can get away with writing, the better.


>>93512
gogogo
>> No. 93900
>>93503
Hey mate, sent you an email last night.
Just wanted to make sure that I sent it to the right address, still not too familiar with these chan boards.
>> No. 93994
>>93900
Yeah, I got it and will re-review it sometime this weekend.
>> No. 94841
Hello this is my first time trying this kind of thing, I'd like you to do a review on my fanfic. This is actually my first fanfic so I don't know for sure how good it is. I'd like to get it on Equestrai daily but I'd like to have at least two reviews of it first.

Story Title: Ponies vs The Internet
Tags: Comedy, Random,Everypony
synopsis: I take the ponies cannon behavior from the show and I compare them some of the strangest and crazy things I can find on the internet in a series of short stories. I'm giving you the fist seven parts but each one is so short it wont take long to read them. The humor might get a little twisted or dirty sometimes but don't try not to take it too far.
Links: http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-1-Twilight-289119507?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=0 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-2-Trixie-289421746?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=1 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-the-Internet-Part-3-Pinkie-289981611?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=2 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-4-Derpy-290172267?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=3 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-5-Rarity-291082498?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=4 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-6-Gilda-291395963?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=5 http://mad-mutt.deviantart.com/art/Ponies-vs-The-Internet-Part-7-The-CMC-292361245?q=gallery%3Amad-mutt%2F35855032&qo=6
>> No. 94861
>>94841
Queue's closed.

And this got rejected from Equestria Daily under hopes of it being a trollfic, so yeah, no thank you.
>> No. 94935
hey Nick,

I would appreciate it if you took a look at my story. It's a longer one so feel free to take your time with it and message me directly on FimFiction if you like. Feel free to repost your findings here as well. I have no problem with others learning from my mistakes beside me.

Story: Daring Do and the Griffon's Goblet
Tags: [Adventure]
Synopsis:The second book (my first story) of the thrilling adventures of Daring Do. After weeks of restless recovery Daring Do is given the opportunity to travel in search of the legendary Griffon's Goblet. In order to find the relic she must travel in to the heart of the griffon homelands, a place that she is mistrusted and seen as a general menace to all of griffonkind because of a small incident in her past.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=referrers&story=17689
>> No. 94936
>>94861
>>94935
Dammit should have scrolled all the way to the bottom before submitting.... I will try again when the que is open again.
>> No. 128788
File 138099389000.png - (171.70KB , 483x232 , Fuck Im High.png )
128788
>>94936
I... my second review thread was literally the top post on this board before you posted a story.

>>128162 is the thread you're looking for
>> No. 128793
>>128788
>>128788
Isn't that post like a year old?
>> No. 128823
>>128793
Oh, god damn spam bots.
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