Discuss fanfiction, get writing advice, or get your story reviewed

Search /fic/ threads

Password  (for post and file deletion)

File 132657524068.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
77884 No. 77884
Hello everypony, I’m Trots McClure. You may remember me from such TV series as “Grammar, Not Just For Grandmas“, and “Palindromes- Impress Your Mom, Your Dad, Maybe Even Otto”. Today, I’m throwing myself into the reviewer’s circle. My work with various forms of media have given me an eye for story, and I’d be more than happy to take a crack at any story thrown my way (within reason). Unfortunately, while I do have some decent grammar, it’s far from the best. If you’re looking for nothing more than a grammar check, you’re better off searching elsewhere.


1. Read the sticky, give me a synopsis, tags, and a link, yadda yadda.
2. No clopfics, no exceptions. Shipping is fine.
3. Whether I accept dark or HiE fics depends on if I think the story is well-written or not. On that note, crossovers are hit and miss; if I know the second series, I’ll do it, otherwise, denied.
4. I’m generally a fair reviewer, but I will be stern when necessary. I’m here to help you improve, not lavish you with endless praise.
5. Reviews come when they come. I’ll try and get them done in a timely matter, but life or my own stories might distract me.
6. If something doesn’t seem fair in my review, or if you just want some elaboration/discussion, feel free to talk to me. I won’t bite. Much.
7. If you want a full on review, toss me a google.doc with comments enabled. If you just want a general review, a google.doc with no comments or fimfiction/fanfiction link will do.
8. If for some reason I have to deny a story, a reason will be given as soon as possible.
9. If you don’t tell me the chapters you want reviewed, I’ll generally just read as much or as little as I want. How good your story is decides how long that is. Also, shorter stories will usually take priority over novel-length tales.

And with that, let the posting commence! Oh, and keep an eye out for my future documentary, “Diving Into the Mind of a Sleep-deprived Reviewer”!
362 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 93902
File 133308247190.png - (152.36KB , 945x945 , Twi.png )
Well, this is a bit of a shock.

After your review, I submitted A Rose Reverie to EqD again. In all honesty, I suspected a third rejection (with the possibility of having one more shot).

Well, the gracious blog ponies and pre-readers did me one better, practically causing me to faint in the process (yes, I know this is just fan fiction, but I can't help myself). The fic got accepted and was added to the queue. I'm not sure when it's actually going to be posted, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't stoked anyway.

Anyway, I just dropped by to extend my thanks for all your help with my story. I've no doubt your grammar corrections and other recommendations played a role in helping this fic get accepted. I think this is my best work to date (and also my least read), and I'm really excited to see it be recognized this way.

Thus, I'd like to express my gratitude in the coolest way I know: Italian.

Quindi, grazie mile per tutto tuo aiuto con mi storia. (And so, a thousand thanks for all your help with my story)

Should you ever need anything from me (other than organ donations or sexual favors), please don't hesitate to ask.

In bocco al lupo!
>> No. 93926
File 133308831293.jpg - (172.79KB , 2413x2570 , Pony Avatar 2.jpg )
Greetings, salutations, and all that. So this is one of those "chans" is it? *Prods with at stick*

Anyway, I have a story that I would love to have reviewed so that I might perchance get it onto the ol' EqD.

Title: Hostile Takeover
Synopsis: Fluttershy heads to Manehattan and ends up living with Trixie.
Tags: [Comedy]

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BL_qVj6fAAPwweeEkIqkB6N4s7ElEEZWn5w4vEyRdwM/edit
(^This is the main chapter I would like a review on. Comments should be enabled.)

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AJ51UULcv3PBtXcKBizxaJZlirTw0oO0zhByQp1YMP4/edit

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZbKGjwK9DbFdHCQUijXHj3Tk-8oZv3VrQ3qHGMAVVqk/edit
(^These two are take 'em or leave 'em.)
>> No. 93953
More reviews to come soon.


Congrats, mate. Knew ya would get in.

...no dirty favors or free livers, huh? Well, I'll just have you drive the getaway car then.
>> No. 94147
File 133317391290.jpg - (235.89KB , 968x867 , Jerichoarch-devil.jpg )
[Adventure][Light Grimdark]

In a world of angels and daemons, the good liar is paramount for a conflict nearly seventy millenniums in the making between Kane and Satan comes to its final blows, and it all rests of whom possesses the Elements of Harmony. The fate of Elements may very well rest with who controls a very particular pawn: Jericho. He's hardly a hero, just a pony with the unfortunate habit of being in the wrong place at the right time.

The world is set afire by Kane and Satan, although which one the good guy remains unclear. Meanwhile, the sarcastic, witty, and mildly melodramatic Jericho tries to avoid getting brutally killed by literally everything as he struggles not to drag everypony down with him, but at least he's good with a sword. In a world of uncertainties, a world without good and evil, there is only one truth to be found: Jericho would like nothing to do with six crazy girls.


The EqD recommended that I see a ponychan reviewer because I only had a few issues with Jericho.
There complaint list was:
1) Word repetition. You use a lot of 'he' and 'his' in the first few paragraphs.

2) Comma abuse in some places. Cut this down. You need to keep it consistent.

3) Flat writing in places. Prologue part 1falls victim to this. There's a lot of 'First one, then two, then this then that.' It imparts information, but it isn't very interesting.

4) Punctuation. You need some. Period after the 'are'. You do this quite a bit in places.

“Yes,” hatred oozed from its gravelly hiss as the fiend in the center spoke, “we are”

5) More punctuation. The period goes on the outside of the single quote.

it, “it is by his instruction that we are so 'disciplined.'”

6) The dialogue in places makes little sense. 'I'll send your soul to hell in thirty minutes or less, or your money back.' Parodies are all well and good, but you're pulling them out of nowhere. It feels abrupt.
7) Your fight sequences are -all- tell vs. show. It reads like a dungeons and dragons game, honestly. There's dialogue... and then this fireball does that, I swung my sword and the darkness was attacked.
8) This story might be large, but so far (Prologue part 1 and 2) I'm not seeing anything pony aside from the OC.
9) More word repetitions.. especially now that he's been found by miss nasal.
10) Such things need to be capitalized, when you're using them as proper names. It'd also add a bit of comedy.

I'm requesting a review on prologues part 1 and 2, as well as chapter one proper (about 15k words). After I got the review back I went about self-editing like mad, but they requested a link to a ponychan reviewer were I to resubmit.
>> No. 94155
File 133317731837.jpg - (38.11KB , 640x480 , Pinkie-Pie-and-Me-Cover.jpg )
[Comedy] [Slice of Life] [Adventure] [Human]

By: Neon-san

Synopsis: Pinkie Pie and her new human companion work on their relationship while living in Dayton, Ohio.


I am up to chapter 4 right now and currently working on chapter 5. Please feel free to give honest feed back I would surely appreciate it! Thank you!
>> No. 94171
Sorry for the slow reply

>I highly suggest separating your paragraphs from one another. Makes it look so much neater. It's not necessary, however.
>Odd format...

As I said in the authors note at the bottom of the fic, the paragraphs glitched out on me, and I couldn't fix them outright, however, this should be sorted when I start a new document.

>Commas are missing where they should be

I have a habit of doing that, or sometimes my brain thinks "Let's make this part of the story really fast to capture the speed the action is performed." I tend to over-accelerate things, basically.

>If a sentence ends with a comma, then...
>Run on sentences here and there.

Standard mistakes, I'll get to fixing them.

>Numbers should be spelled out.

Force of habit, again.

>You immediatly jump into the story...

Shhhhhhhh! :3

Thanks. I thought of this when I was about to go to sleep one night. I always come up with ideas at about that time, it's really strange.
>> No. 94338
OK, I was hesitant about this, but I figure I'll put this in anyway.

So here's the first chapter of the... I guess second MLP fanfic I've written. I've submitted it to EqD twice... and after trying to improve the story myself didn't work on the second shot, I figure I need another pair of eyes willing to do a full-on review before I try my luck again.

Also note, some of the tags don't apply just yet, as this is only the first chapter.

So here you go:

Title: Stealth and Bravado
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Action/Adventure] [Friendshipping] [Espionage] [Superhero]
Synopsis: An unassuming musician joins the Equestrian Spy Service in hopes of making a difference in the world, or at least Canterlot. Her first mission inspires the pony she rescues to help change the world in a very different way.

Gdocs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cfSa7CGWfsK1-msGRdx1RcXxGuGb3FnyMvusTk-yU48/edit?pli=1

Thank you in advance. I look forward to your feedback.
>> No. 94374
I'd like you to review my story! (Or at least part of it). It is mostly the beginning I'm worried about (The first to third/fourth chapters). It's currently a WIP, it's not complete (Not by a long shot xD).

Title: Strategies of War
Tags: Normal, Adventure, War (Not Grimdark, don't worry.)
Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle believes she has made a new friend when a new pony moves into town. But when she stumbles upon his secret, she's pulled into the world of wartime Equestria. Can she use her brilliant mind to help defeat the enemies of Equestria, or will her mind fail her when it is needed most?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DSeMnGUpTrTmAPcPegFYFHnwXWIh4DrDipMyJt142yc/edit

Additional chapters an be found at the bottom of each chapter.
>> No. 94423
I don't know how long your queue at this present time, but I will place my quick story here nevertheless.

Name: The Trinity Poem
2. Bearycool
3. [poetry](I consider that random). [adventure] [tragedy]

4. Before the battle with Discord, three discourses between the three immortals were made in secrecy. An unknown poet was granted a vision to reiterate the words of the discourses in a poetic stance. In each discourse lies the prophecies of future events in Equestria, the madness of Discord, and the subtle clues of Nightmare Moon coming into the world.

5. Google docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14cn7nkNGhNLT0hQo5FcpUgUlSoiLKTuuwpoxNG2ojK0/edit

Fimfiction link:

6. All of it, which is only about 2.9K words worth of reading (after all, it is only a poem: a long poem, sure, but a poem).

Background Stuff for the Reviewer:
1. It's a poem, and it's about 2.8K in length.
2. American English. (Because I hate s's and I love z's.)
3. Meter of the poem changes from a pentameter, to somewhat structure meters, to free verse depending on who is speaking. I.E. if Discord is speaking, everything is going to look chaotic and if Celestia or Luna are speaking then it's more structured.
4. Enjoy.
>> No. 94452
File 133326958843.docx - (22.64KB , Brotherhood is magic.docx )
I'm new at this. I dont know what a sticky is, nor do I know anything about different threads. I posted a new thread, and had it deleted cause I wasn't"abiding by the sticky" so if for whatever reason I'm doing something wrong, bare with me, correct me and send me on my way :b

I'm writing a fan fic about mareines, and was just wondering what people thought of what I have so far. it's not finished, and probably loaded with grammatical errors, but I was just curious as what somebody thought. Thanks :b
>> No. 94462
File 133328212490.jpg - (28.69KB , 499x280 , 1331552216102.jpg )

No. The moment you enter fic, the first thing you see right away is the thread to the sticky, accompanied by a huge read "READ THE STICKY BEFORE POSTING" sign. How much more obvious does it need to be?
>> No. 94502
like I said, I'm new, so I didnt know what a "sticky" was. now I do and now I can fix it. please forgive me I am kinda stupid :b
>> No. 94504
sorry for not doing this within the initial post. Still learning. :/

Title: Brotherhood is magic [military]

synopsis: Jack Armalite grew up in an uneventful ponyville formost of his life. After seeing the ponyville attachment of Mareines when he was seven, he secretly prepared himself for when he was of enlisting age. Now enlisted, he realizes that being a mareine isn't so easy. (so far in the story I have him in boot, and am using that as just an introduction to the main character, the setting, and any information to help the reader understand how things work).

word count (currently): 2,501 words

if I'm still doing something wrong, be gentle I'm really trying not to be a nuisance
>> No. 94525
File 133330015726.jpg - (83.15KB , 1280x1024 , 132882276390.jpg )
The proper response in cases like this is "Lurk Moar".
Do you see anyone embedding their work around here? Post this on Gdocs and link to the doc after giving permission. If you don't know how to do that, well then, I suggest you Lurk Moar (or use Google's search engine and read the Facts & Questions for it).
>> No. 94559
yeah...sorry about that. how bout I wait a week so everyone forgets what an idiot I've been then try again :)
>> No. 94853
I'd like to retract my request for a review. Hopefully you didn't start already. Doubt you did, but still.
>> No. 95247
Title: The Return of Smarty Pants
Tags: [Normal] [Comedy]
Synopsis: After having his big secret published for everypony to read, Big Macintosh deals with the prospect of facing a humiliating fate.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ie6DhklhBSetm9rqBVGgvg0TVirFYaTWM0E8AV5_FQY/edit

This is my first time writing a fan-fiction. I've wrote stories before but they've mainly been descriptive writing. I've looked through it myself many times and still pick out the odd mistake mainly in the dialogue, as I tend to focus more on description!
>> No. 95424
File 133368506207.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )
Title: Friends and Family
Tags: [Sad]
Synopsis: There comes a time where we all must let go. But never will we forget.

(If that synopsis is too vague for you, the main characters are Applejack and Winona.)


-Google docs w/comments enabled: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VVk7FeOFEb4YF2YRgCleU-b5nl1kQrbV_gPDfY4tgqA/edit

-Fimfiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/18822/Family-%26amp%3B-Friends

I sent this to EqD and got a reply email stating "needs work on awkward wording and show vs. tell." I think I'm seeing where some of those issues may be now, but I just want to doubly make sure from an outside source before I edit it and resubmit.
>> No. 95994
Me again! What's up, Trots? I thought I'd get your opinion on the first section of my latest work.

Title: Another

Tag: Dark

Synopsis: Celestia travels to Ponyville with Luna to investigate a mysterious attack, all the while growing concerned about Twilight's state of mind as they dodge around one another. A story of wits and cleverness.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iGxFeflSb06BIR4rbxc7I1qd2eoRH9kSjKhi-tnN2dk/edit

Thanks, my friend.
>> No. 96169
Oh, for...
Fillies and gentlecolts, a word, please? This man's queue is already full to bursting. He has an extensive backlog at the moment, and I think he'd appreciate being able to catch up on his reviews before any more fics were added. Now, because I'm not Mr. McClure, I can't officially lock his queue, but I would like to request, for his sake, that you slow down your submissions. Thank you.
>> No. 96369
File 133408279820.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )
QUEUE IS CLOSED FOR NOW. It's already full to the brim, and I really want to try and fit as many reviews as possible in here before it hits the cap.

Oi, it's been a rough week or so. Life attacked, got sick, and finally managed to update my own stories. And now, I'm not planning on stopping until I completely empty my queue. Let's see what we got here.

-Beneath the Fields of Heaven
-The Final Chapter of Derpy Hooves
-Battle in the Dark
-Unlike Herself
-My Little Pirates
-The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do
-Behind a Sunny Face
-I'll Sweep You Off Your Hooves
-Hostile Takeover
-Pinkie Pie and Me
-Stealth and Bravado
-Strategies of War
-The Trinity Poem
-Brotherhood is Magic
-The Return of Smarty Pants
-Friends and Family

*Spits out wine*'

This many?! That's it, someone's getting an angry letter. While I work on that (and these reviews), feel free to remind me if I forgot to put your story into the queue.

And congrats to Josh Meihaus for getting onto EqD. Knew ya had it in ya, mate.
>> No. 96370

I wrote "Behind a Sunny Face." However, that story is on hiatus and I'm focusing on another story right now. Would it be okay to switch out the story I want reviewed? Or would you prefer that I just drop my request altogether?
>> No. 96372
Wow, seems like you've got enough work as it is. I'd like to take my story (The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do) out of the queue then, I'm sure i can find some other reviewer who isn't as busy as you.
>> No. 96373
Hey, Trots. You can take me out of the queue. I've been reviewed already, and I've done some major rewrites since I posted that.
>> No. 96379
File 133408695180.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
By all means, swap it out. But please don't respond again without the link.



-You sometimes put quotes around thoughts.

-You forget to indent a lot.

-Some sentences are separated pretty hard, aka you have two lines of space or more around them instead of one.

-I think you're italicizing your dialogue, too. No need for that. Makes it hard to differentiate it from thoughts.

-If dialogue ends with a period, don't give the following sentence a speaking verb. Likewise, if it ends with a comma, don't give the following sentence an action verb.

-Occasional lack of commas.

-You don't need to capitalize 'archers'.

-There's a difference between its and it's. Same for 'though' and 'through'.

-Spell out numbers.

-You separate many words that don't really need it. For example, myself and themselves.


-After the man kills a griffon, he suddenly becomes enraptured with the night sky. If I'd just killed a mythological creature, I'd be more worried about that than the stars.

-This still feels like the Griffons of Greece. You did make a few pony references though, I suppose.

-Still finding it a bit odd that one man can fight an entire army of griffons.


-While it looks good, it feels out of place. You depict the main character walking into a cave, but you place it after a scene with nothing but griffons.

Grammar needs a lot of work, and plot could use some fixes, but it's overall fine.
>> No. 96381

I wanted to make sure it was okay before I posted the link.

Title: As Time Goes On
[Semi-Sad] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: "No matter how strong the bonds of friendship are, we still have our own dreams and goals that we must pursue. I pray that they never tear us apart."

A lot has changed in the 20 years since Twilight arrived in Ponyville. The town is now a small, bustling city, and Twilight's friends are busier than ever. As Twilight works in City Hall, she can't help but wonder when she'll be able to spend time with her friends again.


I'm just looking for a review on chapter one at the moment. If you want to look at the original version of the story (listed at the end of the document) that is up to you. Thanks again!
>> No. 96385
File 133409152462.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )


-Some odd sentences.

-Sometimes hard to tell who is talking.

-You keep posting sentences like "Bla bla," bla bla, "Bla bla.". A lot of your sentences would go better if you made the second comma a period. Also, if you DO do a sentence like that, the second dialogue fragment begins lowercased.

-Pacing issues.


-You need build-up before the race's start.

-The entire race between AJ and RD is over in less than a paragraph?

-Oh boy, Derpy propoganda in fiction form.

I'll be honest, I went halfway before I just noticed it's going to be some more 'Derpy War' propoganda. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy they changed her either, but that doesn't mean I want to read an entire story about it.

Aside from that, the grammar was decently clean. A lot of sentences were formatted wrong though, as well as words being used incorrectly. And, of course, the major issue here is pacing. A race is done in less than a paragraph, issues are resolved in less than three, ponies appear in less than a sentence, etc.
>> No. 96390
File 133409241392.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )


-Mostly just stand-alone errors.

-Also, some paragraphs could really use some trimming/spreading out.


-This story is weeeeeeird. But yeah, you did say it was going to be. If you want a tag for this, I'd say 'random'.

The story was short, sweet, and confusing as buck. But that's what I was expecting from your description, anyway. Your grammar was notably clean and tidy, with a few exceptions here and there. Plot's insane, but that's on purpose. Not bad.
>> No. 96396
File 133409408775.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-Occasionally missing punctuation.

-Ellipsises should have a space after them if they're not at the end of dialogue.

-Dialogue should be indented, too.

-"Until, that is, the cyan pegasus finally returned the hug, and allowing the party pony to sob softly into her shoulder." Remove that and.

-"The solemn and blue pegasus " is some wicked LUS.

-I'm a bit skeptical about making 'fooling' into 'foaling'. While 'fool' can be 'foal', I don't think fooling can be foaling.

-'Luna's moon' and anything like it should be used sparingly.

-"the were the apples of each other's eye". The should be they.


-Color-coding feels reeeeally unnecessary. But to each their own, I guess.

-Throwing in that 'FOOOOREEEVEEER' kinda broke the immersion.

-I find it a bit hard to believe that accidentally hurting a friend would affect RD so harshly, but then we wouldn't have this story, no?

'Twas short, but not very bad. Grammar's mostly smooth, though you lack punctuation/the correct word sometimes. I personally find the color-coding both annoying and unnecessary, though.
>> No. 96404
File 133409982113.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-Cloudsdale, not Cloudsdayle.

-Really weird formatting at some spots. Scratchy that, weird formatting everywhere after the prologue.

-At least half your paragraphs begin with 'I'. The same goes for your sentences.

-Occasionally missing commas.

-Colt of a bitch doesn't really work. That's like saying boy of a bitch. Son works fine.



I'll be honest, wasn't very interested. The formatting really threw me off as well. All I can suggest is fix the formatting and keep an eye out for missing commas/comma misuse.
>> No. 96406
Thanks for the review, mate. By the way, any comments on the show vs tell? Is it any better in showing, compared to what you saw in The Fall of Discord (assuming you still remember any of it. Wouldn't surprise me if you don't, though; after all, you've been reading through a heck ton of fanfics to review...)
>> No. 96412
File 133410301035.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Skipping at author's request.



-Your formatting is painful to read. I would suggest separating all the paragraphs.

-"Dialogue," speaking verb= Okay
"Dialogue," action verb= Not okay
"Dialogue." Speaking verb= Not okay
"Dialogue." Action verb= Okay

-Make sure the audience knows who's speaking.

-No need for quotes around thoughts.

-Pacing feels a bit off.

-Some paragraphs could use trimming/separating.

-Almost every paragraph with dialogue has dialogue right at its beginning. Mix it up a little. Put the action first, THEN the dialogue.

-You do "Bla," bla, "bla." a lot. It's okay to end a sentence after an action, you know.


-I don't think you needed that intro at the very beginning. You shouldn't have to explain what you're crossing over with, at least not as bluntly as that.

-Pretty sure Kizaru wasn't present when Kuma separated them. Correct me if I'm wrong.

-Luffy feels a bit like a soulless puppet. I think that may be because you stuff so much dialogue into paragraphs, and I'm pretty sure weak pacing is at fault here too.

-Weak ending, weak Zecora rhymes.

Could use a bit of work, and this is coming from a big fan of both MLP and OP. The pacing is really off, and that makes scenes rush by and characters look like little more than puppets. You use the same sentence format over and over, and your overall format is pretty rough to read.

Also, your Zecora could use some work, and Luffy as well. Still, I'd really like to see this story succeed, so don't give up. Attack the pacing and grammar!
>> No. 96455
File 133411181673.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
Skipping Behind a Sunny Face at author's request.



-No need for quotes around thoughts.

-Missing commas. Eveeeerywhere.

-Some capitalization issues.

-You do "Bla," bla, "bla." a lot. It won't kill you to end a sentence after the middle fragment, or to just say your fill in the previous/following dialogue fragment.

-You say 'earth stallion' and 'earth mare' multiple times. Using it only once is acceptable, to point out gender. After that, it's just LUS, and you could remove 'earth' from it.


-Your names are a bit iffy. Horseshoepin and Harpo? Euguguguh.

-There's such a thing as too descriptive.

-I can see what the pre-reader meant. You take 3/4s of a large paragraph describing somepony's dress. Like they suggested, you need to weave that into the story. Or at the least, trim it a LOT.

Made it about 3/4 of the way before I noticed pretty much every paragraph involving dialogue was exactly the same, structure wise. And that structure is wrong. You use "Bla," bla, "bla." WAY too much. A lot of the times you use it, you could easily swap it out for another format. Variety is the spice of life, friend.

Plotwise... eh. Generic OC/Background pony I never heard of hooks up with a background pony I like. But if it is a BG pony, I suppose having more fics about them couldn't hurt.

Overall: Fix the format, fix the grammar, trim the description, pay more attention to putting words where they should be, and so on. All that aside, it wasn't too bad.
>> No. 96457
File 133411207737.png - (135.24KB , 824x536 , THE END IS NIGH.png )
Took out half my queue in a day. Wooooooo!

But it looks like I won't be able to finish off the rest before the thread hits cap. I'll do what I can tomorrow, and then I suppose I'll have to make a new one.

Anyway, have a nice night everypony.

Current queue:

-Hostile Takeover
-Pinkie Pie and Me
-Stealth and Bravado
-Strategies of War
-The Trinity Poem
-Brotherhood is Magic
-The Return of Smarty Pants
-Friends and Family
-As Time Goes On

>> No. 96542
File 133417003150.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )


-Don't put a space after an ellipsis if its at the beginning of a sentence. Likewise, the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized, too.

-Missing commas here and there.


-I personally find it odd that Fluttershy condones circuses.

-I have no idea what Big Entrance looks like.

I did a full check of chapter one and then just read chapter two. I gotta admit, chapter one had maybe one or two moments of funny, to me anyway. But chapter two picked that up a lot, definitely making it funnier.

Your only major problems is that are your strange desire to avoid closing gaps and capitalizing after you put an ellipsis at the start of a sentence. Also, you're missing commas where they should be, and once or twice, you put them where they shouldn't be. Other than that, the story was pretty enjoyable. Keep up the good work.
>> No. 96546
Review acknowledge
- fixed the spacing when I put it on FIMfiction
- The intro: I was trying to copy the little "last time on..." thing the show does (really wish I could have found the music to go with it) which sums up what happens in the last episode. I wanted to try and explain just what was going on while sticking close to the show.
- yeah Kizaru just showed up to overkill the whole thing (him, Sentomaru, Kuma, and pacifistas... yikes) nearly killed zoro with a light kick thing.
-zecora: darn you rhyming! Why must you evade me?!
>> No. 96548
File 133417194173.png - (289.90KB , 1024x819 , Luffypinkie.png )
Oh and for that one part with where it's in quotes and italicized it's a flashback to Sentomaru explaining Kuma's powers. So it's not thoughts just Luffy remembering Sentomaru's words.

Poison Joke: I thought the blue spots were a common effect of it (Twilight's horn and pinkie's tongue were covered in spots when they got it)... then again I don't think anypony has eaten it before
>> No. 96557
File 133417602229.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-Occasional wrong word use. For example: underused road the spans the great Everfree. The first 'the' should be 'that'. You also say 'spin' instead of 'spine'.

-There's a difference between 'your' and 'you're'.

-Occasionally missing capitalization.

-Plenty of sentences that could be structured differently (that is, add commas, make some commas periods, etc.)

-Don't use an action fragment after a dialogue fragment that ends with a comma. For instance, you said “Who in the nine hells is,” I swallowed, “there?”. (And I think you could have done without a structure like that in the first place, anyway.)

-No need for quotes around thoughts. Italics will do.


-Uh... four paragraphs describing the main character?

-Yep, that random dialogue is a bit odd/annoying/what have you.

-Lectures. Lectures everywhere.

-Inserting random facts in the middle of nowhere.

All in all, I can see the problem. I won't lie, I enjoy the lectures you give on various demon types and other facts. The problem is, they interrupt any action going on at the moment. Surely you could find some way to weave it into the story better?

The same goes for the facts you randomly tack into paragraphs, like 'Jericho enjoys talking'. Also, while grammar is decently clean, many of your sentences have structures that range from a little wonky to very rough.

To continue on grammar: Sometimes you place too many commas, sometimes you're missing them where they should be. There's a balance you need to reach. And like the pre-reader said, the fight scenes could use a bit more 'oomph'.

Plotwise, eh. I'm never really a fan when random OC meets up with the main characters without much reason. Still, learning about demons and Jericho's adventures was relatively interesting.
>> No. 96579
File 133418902498.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )


-Capitalization issues. You even forgot to capitalize 'I'.

-Wrong word use (like saying 'did' when you meant 'didn't).

-Lack of commas where they should be.

-You have two people talking in the same paragraph. Don't do that.


-'Pinkie Pinkamena Diane Pie'? No. Pinkie Pie or Pinkie will do, though Pinkamena Diane Pie can work in formal situations.


Alright, I have no idea what's going on in this story, nor do I think I want to. Multiple people are talking in the same paragraph, you actually put 'brohoof' and a bunch of memes in the story, and you keep using the wrong words. Plus, what exactly is the relationship between the main character and Pinkie? You just throw them together and BAM, to heck with back story and making sense.

Anyway, if you want to redeem this, start off by making a new paragraph every time someone else speaks. Then, pay closer attention to your words, capitalizing when necessary and making sure your word choice is correct. Finally, considering adding some backstory or something.
>> No. 96584
First of all thank you for taking the time to review. Second of all did you read all the chapters? I am assuming you read only chapter one. And this story started out as a joke in a facebook brony thread and evolved into a story. Chaps. 2-4 are getting to backstory. Other than that thanks for the review.
>> No. 96597
File 133419461510.png - (750.44KB , 724x724 , epicponyMemory.png )
This is my first shot at this so... yeah.
Here it is. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8015388/1/Echos_Of_The_Past#

This ended up being twice as long as I expected. But I kept it clean.
I’m just curious if I am going in the right direction or just completely off.

Tags: Adventure, Crossover,

Disc: A new pony has come to Ponyville. Possessing a unique talent the pony rapidly gains attention. After over a year news of this pony reaches Princess Celestia and she hires the Pegasus. Now with the fate of Equestria in it's hooves the foal must take on the most important job of its life.
>> No. 96631
File 133420640638.jpg - (172.79KB , 2413x2570 , Not Amused Trixie Avatar.jpg )

Ah, a fantastic help, sir! A thousand thanks!

I was sorely misinformed as to the grammatical rules of ellipsis. Thank you for rectifying that (and for patiently pointing out what must have been a villainous horde of them in my first chapter). Secondly, I must learn to be less stingy with my commas.

I was of the mind that Fluttershy would have no problem with animals performing for entertainment as long as they were treated well and had no qualms doing so. Perhaps that is just me, though. As for Big Entrance, I really do need to give him something other than an ethereal body. He’d probably be quite appreciative.

I’m hoping the first chapter is amusing enough to propel any readers to the following ones. It’s hard to make the setup as humorous as the rest of the story. Though there is the distinct possibility I’m just not a talented enough writer to pull it off yet…

Glad it was enjoyable and once again, thanks ever so much for the review! Treat yourself to some cake or rather, a WHOLE cake. ‘Tis well deserved.
>> No. 96633
Thanks for the advice... honestly I got sick of the whole Derpy controversy a few days after I wrote it, so I can imagine it wouldn't be a fun read a month later. Still, thanks for the pointers!
>> No. 96695
File 133427859337.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )

Fiorst, as for the names, those are what most people see as the names of those two ponies, in most fiction I've read people call them Frederic Horshoepin and Harpo so changing them would confuse people at best.

I'll try to fix the grammtical issues that I do find and I do try but I have a hard time recognizing them most of the time.

As for the description problem I seem to have issues figuring out just what the balance for description is and I still don't know how to "show" things with words on a page. I don't reallty know what the difference between "Show" and "tell" in writing.

I'll look over the edits but I'm not sure how many changes I'm capable of making.
>> No. 96745
File 133430047837.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )
Gonna get a new thread set up soon. Queue is still closed.


Went through and responded some more, as well as pointing out a few more things I happened to notice.

Also, don't mind the names then. I wasn't aware these were actual BG ponies. That's the risk of using lesser known ones, though.
>> No. 96746
File 133430088473.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )

Oh well, I did some editing and my friend is going to look it over. I need sleep for now.
>> No. 97681
File 133473302750.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )

I don't know where your new topic is, or if it's around, but I wanted to thank you because thanks to your edit suggestions I got in!

I'll Sweep You off Your Hooves should be added to Equestria Daily before too long, thanks.

I might seek you out for reviews and advice in the future. Once I find your new topic that is.
>> No. 97749
File 133477814474.jpg - (42.63KB , 445x531 , f02a8e16-e4e4-4ba8-a5b9-8720cd1c8007-1.jpg )
Hey, Trots- I see you've been busy so I'll just get down to the point. I know your queue is closed, but in no way am I even planning to submit another story- or Pinkie again. Actually, I just want to bring up the sheer disappointment I felt, and the oddest response I have ever gotten out of EqD... ~ I don't want to consume a vast amount of your time, I just need some extra opinion. You can respond back here- but I'd prefer it if you would get me at my email address [email protected]; I'd prefer NOT to drag this into your thread, since you've been able to help pretty much everypony else, and even I didn't anticipate the kind of response I received. I understand if you refuse this, or even if you have to put it off a month while you deal with life. If anything I want to try to understand where I went wrong, because I'm just downright....confused like Rainbow Dash during a yugioh abridged episode.
>> No. 97889
File 133484339378.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )

Requesting you remove remove Family and Friends from your queue. I've found someone else to review it.
>> No. 99222
I'd like to request a removal of "The Return of Smarty Pants" from your queue s'il vous plait. :)
[Return] [Entire Thread] [Last 50 posts] [First 100 posts]

Delete post []
Report post