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77884 No. 77884
Hello everypony, I’m Trots McClure. You may remember me from such TV series as “Grammar, Not Just For Grandmas“, and “Palindromes- Impress Your Mom, Your Dad, Maybe Even Otto”. Today, I’m throwing myself into the reviewer’s circle. My work with various forms of media have given me an eye for story, and I’d be more than happy to take a crack at any story thrown my way (within reason). Unfortunately, while I do have some decent grammar, it’s far from the best. If you’re looking for nothing more than a grammar check, you’re better off searching elsewhere.


1. Read the sticky, give me a synopsis, tags, and a link, yadda yadda.
2. No clopfics, no exceptions. Shipping is fine.
3. Whether I accept dark or HiE fics depends on if I think the story is well-written or not. On that note, crossovers are hit and miss; if I know the second series, I’ll do it, otherwise, denied.
4. I’m generally a fair reviewer, but I will be stern when necessary. I’m here to help you improve, not lavish you with endless praise.
5. Reviews come when they come. I’ll try and get them done in a timely matter, but life or my own stories might distract me.
6. If something doesn’t seem fair in my review, or if you just want some elaboration/discussion, feel free to talk to me. I won’t bite. Much.
7. If you want a full on review, toss me a google.doc with comments enabled. If you just want a general review, a google.doc with no comments or fimfiction/fanfiction link will do.
8. If for some reason I have to deny a story, a reason will be given as soon as possible.
9. If you don’t tell me the chapters you want reviewed, I’ll generally just read as much or as little as I want. How good your story is decides how long that is. Also, shorter stories will usually take priority over novel-length tales.

And with that, let the posting commence! Oh, and keep an eye out for my future documentary, “Diving Into the Mind of a Sleep-deprived Reviewer”!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 77911
File 132658578858.jpg - (16.05KB , 381x364 , dis muffin for you.jpg )
You have my attention. An eye for story and good grammar can take you places here, but let's see how you put your tools to use.

I have here a story that I started when I was hit with an idea. I'm not the best writer around, and I'd like to know how I've done with the first chapter.

Title: Going Home
Tags: [Heartwarming]
Synopsis: Twilight's parents go on a harrowing guided mountain hike, but things don't go as planned.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rcoJr3smK0IY6dQ9W_tGZfOD-Q3U6iZUQrKHoakBgSA/edit

Welcome to the table. Here's a muffin.
>> No. 77938
File 132659521403.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )

Ooo, I haven't had a muffin this good since... when was it? Oh, yes... "Pastries and You- Why Cheesecake Will Save Your Life One Day". Now then, let's see...

I know I said shorter stories get priority, but this is INSANELY short. As such, I can't really form too much of an opinion. Frankly, I feel you ended it far too soon. You could easily continue past that last paragraph, going on for much longer.

Moving on. Your grammar is, for the most part, great. Any errors I spotted have been pointed out in the doc, along with some suggestions to go with them.

As for plot: Like I said, pretty short, so hard to form an opinion. However, a couple things stuck out at me. Thankfully, you were in the doc at the time, and we went over these, so that's out of the way.

All in all, a decent start. If it were fleshed out more, I could say I would definitely be interested. Grammar's fine, plot is fine, so to summarize what should be done:

-Consider making the story longer.
-Fix the few errors I pointed out, both grammar-wise and plot-wise.

If you get some more done, by all means, send it back. I'd like to see more.
>> No. 77939
Great! Thanks!

I wish you the best of luck with your new thread, and I hope you have a great day!
>> No. 77942
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I haven't dumped one of my stories on a reviewer in a while. This has been reviewed before, so consider it low-priority. Think of it as a sort of acid-test for new reviewers.

Onyx Origins a community-based story adventure. Inspired by a rather obtuse mix of Indiana Jones, Terry Pratchet’s Discworld series and a smattering of choose-you-own- adventure, this romping tale stars the titular hero Onyx Origins as he gallivants across Equestria looking for fame, fortune and maybe even love! With a style of gameplay reminiscent of the classic arcade game Dragon's Lair and an (un)healthy dose of black humor, only those capable of reading between the lines will be able to survive this gaunlet of diabolic tricks and traps.

Feel free to skip the Rules portion; it was for the people that used to play this on my old thread. To select an answer, simply click the highlighted areas and the comment containing the corresponding text will automatically scroll to you. Also, please forgive any strange discrepancies such as formatting changes; I'm in the middle of some edits.
Commenting should be enabled on each chapter, so feel free to leave any tips or corrections, should you feel the need to do so.
>> No. 77946
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And to you too, friend.


Never quite seen a story like this before... but I'll give it my best shot.
>> No. 77948
Here's the story I've been working in. It's nowhere near complete (first several chapters of an eventual several dozen), but I still like feedback on what I have thus far in order to improve as a writer.
Title: The Carnation
Synopsis: An exploration of love and death through a neo-gothic pony romance.
Tags: Dark, shipping, incomplete, neo-gothic, convoluted plot.
>> No. 77951
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Current queue:

-Onyx Origins (Currently 1/5 of the way done)
-The Carnation

Due to Onyx Origins length, might skip ahead to The Carnation and get that out of the way. However, this media star stayed up far too late last night, and will probably be hitting the hay soon. Until then, back to work.
>> No. 78054
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Alrighty then, finished. Let's get right to it...

Your writing style is way up there. Excellent word choice, a great handle on alliteration, reference, and grammar. You have humor, you have action, and it's all-around just great. I thoroughly enjoyed reading.

However, there are some issues to go over. Grammarwise, you have a knack for putting things that aren't dialogue in quotation marks. If it isn't dialogue, stick to using a '. Also, you write a lot... which isn't a problem in itself, but it leads to much more opportunity to create run-ons. As such, you lack commas in a lot of places where they should be. I went and pointed out those instances, so no need to hunt them down. Just keep an eye out for it in the future. Final grammar point: Names and titles should be separated by a comma. For example:

"Something is very wrong with you Pinkie Pie."

You would have a comma before Pinkie Pie. Sometimes you manage to accomplish this, sometimes you don't. Keep an eye out for it and you'll be fine.

Plotwise, it's mostly solid. A couple things stuck out at me though: 1. I might have missed it, but I don't really think you explain why Rarity happens to be in the jail. 2. You make the rabbit monster sound like a bloodthirsty machine of death, and yet all it does it drop rocks and break bridges. Personally, I think it should be trying to devour its prey, not trying to squish it. Possibly add a few moments where it attacks (and misses), or change one of your questions scenarios to where it directly tries to mangle you.

All in all, this is one of the better stories I've read. You're funny, you have an excellent vocabulary, and I was entertained enough to pretty much do the whole thing with maybe one break. Keep an eye out for the grammar errors I pointed out, possibly change the plot errors I mentioned, and you're good to go. Keep it up, I'd love to see more.

Next up. The Carnation.
>> No. 78061
Apologies for my nosiness, but...

>Grammarwise, you have a knack for putting things that aren't dialogue in quotation marks. If it isn't dialogue, stick to using a '.
Nope. Single quotation marks are used for quotes inside of double quotation marks. Outside of that, they should be avoided, because they're pretty much just apostrophes.

(Incidentally, this is one of those cases where going with the American style seems like the smart thing to do.)

You're a fine, quick reviewer, Mr McClure. Don't take my OCD as a personal slight.
>> No. 78064
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Mucho gracias! I'll work my way through your comments shortly.

Rarity is in the jail to recruit the "you" character. However, that could use some more elaboration, so I'll take a look at it.

The Rabbit was supposed to be a boss of sorts, but I kinda copped out on it. I just wanted to finish up that arc since it felt like it was dragging on at that point. I'll go back and fix that.

Did you ever look at the side story? It's only 800 words long.

And here, have some pie.
>> No. 78066

No offense taken. If what I said was wrong, however, I personally believe it's the lesser of two evils. Quotation marks make it, ya know, seem like actual dialogue. Single ones can be interpretted in a number of ways, one of which is the way I said. However, there's surely a better option somewhere, and if anypony knows that they're free to point it out.


Aye, I took a look at it. Not much to say, truly. I don't really get where it came from; it seemed to have come out of nowhere. Luna hadn't even been mentioned up until that part. I assumed it was just a short, joke story, so I let it slide. Other than that, it was mostly free of grammar errors, and it was amusing.

The pie's good, what flavor was it? Pinkie Pie flavor? *sppppt* Oh dear... it's "Cannibalism- That isn't ketchup" all over again...
>> No. 78089
My fic:


The most recent feedback from EqD says the beginning is fine, but I have show, don't tell issues later on. Chapters 1-5 have been revised much more heavily than those later on, so I'd prefer if you start around chapter 6.
>> No. 78093
Hey, I was wondering if you could review my fic. I already asked Vanner, but while I waited, I figured having a second opinion wouldn't hurt.

Title: The Fall of Discord [Dark][Adventure]

"In an ancient past, Equestria was ruled by the crazed demigod Discord. In fear, Celestia and Luna ran away from his horrors, until they found hope and, with the help of other ponies they bonded with, faced the draconequus to put his reign of chaos to an end."

Linky! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Uk344XvUEgdUaOOFXvFem6iyDGPgeuG8uSZ8dJfZ5TI/edit

This is going to have more chapters, but, before going any further, I'd like to have some feedback on how it's doing. Also, if possible, could you focus a bit on the final of the chapter? I feel like something is off, but I can't quite nail it. Any input on that would be most valuable.
>> No. 78094

Before we start I should warn you that this fan fic is a Human in Equestria story. I already have gotten one ( very negative ) review and I have now revised the first chapter. As i do not want the same person to review it again, despite that I have reformated it, changed the tense, learned to grammar and rewritten it word by word, i was hoping that this will spark your interest for reviewing.

I am a open minded and I have no standards, so feel free to throw any thoughts, regardless of how insulting they may be, as long as I can understand the critisism. I can take the worst is what I am saying, and I won't have a grudge at you.

Title: Beneath the Fields of Heaven
Tags:[Human in equestria][Griffins][Adventure]
Chapter 1.1 ( First chapter that I have revised, will post the second revisioned chapter once its done in a week, on a separate post. ):https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HnjLC3R6tYWMBaoxMtMAlUXFX10FfGT5aNasnmW68Kg/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 78095
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Amg sudden fiction flood!

Alright then, current queue:

-The Carnation
-MLP: Friendship is Forever
-The Fall of Discord
-Beneath the Fields of Heaven

Gonna handle The Carnation first, then the next three from shortest->longest. Stay tuned.
>> No. 78096
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On a related note, can y'all toss me some synopsises? It's nice to know what I'm going into.
>> No. 78110
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Doing this one as I go along, since it's not a full-on review.

Chapter one:

-A slew of text walls right off the bat. There's nothing wrong with large paragraphs, but yours are even pushing that. Plus, there's a bunch in quick succession, which will probably bore some readers into abandoning ship faster than that time I did when I was cast in "Toilet Troubles- The Proper Place to Parade Your Pipelines".
-You mention that Dash outran a Hydra. Wasn't she absent for that episode? Nor did she end a parasprite plague; that was Pinkie Pie.
-Personal opnion: The little poem at the top should be centered and italicized.
-Another personal opinion: Thoughts should be italicized. Some might see single quotes as dialogue, or references.
-I don't think Rainbow Dash would be that sappy over love. Maybe tone it down a bit?
-Expanding on the above statement, Fluttershy seems just a bit pushy. Expanding on THAT, her entrance is a bit sudden. There wasn't really any statement saying that RD had run into her.
-Pick a writing style and stick with it. For the first half, you spaced out paragraphs. For the second, they're all together. Personally, I recommend spacing out.
-Run-on sentences abound.

Chapter two:

-More run-on.
-More writing style switching.
-Names should be set apart by a comma in dialogue. If you want an example, look at the review I gave for 'Onyx Origins'.
-'Pinkie Pie raised her head and turned to Rainbow Dash in a rather bird-like fashion'. Wat. That's a... rather odd analogy.
-Spelling error here and there.
-Twilight's relatively in character, actually. Pinkie Pie, on the other hoof, could stand to be sillier.
-Rainbow Dash is starting to become a creeper.

Chapter three:
-Sapsapsapsapsapsap. You're draining the trees dry.
-Love at first sight doesn't exist, not in real life, not in stories. Not that love isn't allowed, but don't you think Rainbow should, ya know, actually get with someone before love? There's nothing wrong with a crush, though.
-Applejack's accent is a liiiittle thick. She's country, not a hick. No rhyme intended. Tone it down a bit, and change her I's to ah's.
-Again, seperate names with commas in dialogue.
-Missing words in some spots.
-Run-ons here and there.
-Mispellings as well.
-The Pinkie + Flutters part was a nice twist. Ya got me.
-However, Rainbow's reaction is still out of character. I feel she'd suck up her pain until she's alone, not throw a fit and flee.

Chapter 4:
-More writing style swapping. Wassupwitdat.
-Not much more to point out.
-Except for Rainbow's freak-out. While I know you're going for a dark environment, it still feels like she went a bit far. Rainbow's crush got taken by someone else because she didn't do anything about, big whoop. Speaking of that, Rainbow's pretty brash; she'd probably be the type to straight up say her feelings.

To summarize: Grammar could use some work, writing style changes a lot, and other various errors. Plot's about as good as a dark romance can be, though some things stuck out at me wrong.

All in all, I'm not gonna lie, it could use some work. Take a look at all I've said, and use it wisely. Good luck, my friend.
>> No. 78160
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I understand that English isn't your first language, but I could only get halfway through the first (relatively long) chapter before I realized that I was doing nothing but correcting the same errors over and over. I pointed out as much as I could before I got sick of it, so take note of what I've said and use it in relation to ALL of your story. Also, here's some general writing tips, covering the things you kept messing up on:

-Quotation marks don't need to be separate from the quote itself. For instance, you do " Hi. ", when it should be 'Hi."
-I, when it's all alone, should be capitalized. This also goes for I'm, I've, etc.
-Quotes don't need to be bolded, either.
-Sometimes, you use words that are either completely wrong or, as far as I know, don't exist. Make sure to keep an eye out for these instances, and that the word you use is correct.
-The occasional mispelling, but not too often.
-Many run-on sentences. If a sentence seems too long when you read it yourself, odds are it needs a comma (where appropriate).
-The only things that need capitalization are names (Rarity, Pinkie Pie, etc.), Places (Equestria, Ponyville, etc.), Dates (Monday, December, etc.), events and titles (Festival, Beneath the Fields of Heaven), and probably one or two things that refuse to come to mind right now. Words such as Gold, however, do not need to be capitalized.
-Sometimes, you separate sentences that could go together into one paragraph. Don't be afraid to merge some parts.
-While it's technically incorrect, using the same words over and over could get boring. Consider some variation. Instead of snow, try powder. Instead of cold, try chill.
-Maybe one or two things I'm missing, but they're in the document comments.

Grammar aside, the plot was fine. Human goes to Equestria somehow, has a run in with griffons, etc. If I may make a suggestion, however, I think you should actually make it SEEM like Equestria. The entire first half of the first chapter, it didn't feel like the character was in Equestria at all, and even once the griffons arrived it felt more like Narnia than Equestria. Maybe have the griffons mention ponies, or heck, even say 'Equestria'.

On a final note, I liked how you made the Griffons speak greek. Very interesting.

All in all, needs a metric TON of work, grammarwise. But if you follow my tips, it should knock out about 90% of the problems. Plotwise, just keep doing what you're doing, so long as it becomes clear that he's in Equestria.

Now, let's see what's next...
>> No. 78161

My apologies, 'technically correct'
>> No. 78191
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Umm how loaded down with fics are you right now?
>> No. 78194

Got two on my palette, and one is relatively short. Don't worry, no matter how long my queue is, I'll accept stories. It'll just take awhile to reach them if the queue is too long. For now, it's a good time to hit me with some.

Also, a queue update just to demonstrate:

-The Fall of Discord (Started)
-MLP: Friendship is Forever
>> No. 78196
File 132669441499.png - (125.54KB , 830x650 , lookingup.png )
All right then here ya go:
The Cloudy Stars
[Humor] [OC] [Friendshipping]
A pegasus just can't break. Between work and studies Star Gazer barely has time for anything: especially mares. That's about to change thanks to some misfired magic though.
>pic is a rough I idea of what I want a cover image to look like
>> No. 78197
Brace yourself. Reviewer-hazing incoming.

Anyways, I need a fresh pair of eyes on this. Everypony I've gone to for re-reviews is loaded out the wazoo with review requests, and the Training Grounds is pretty backed up right now as well. I want to have this ready to go as soon as possible

For anyone who's seen this before: this is a rewrite. I didn't like where it was going, and I didn't want it to become a patchwork of post-submission editing, retcons and lampshading. I pressed the reset button. Take a look if you don't believe me.

There's no ponies in the prologue. I'm still working on chapter one, but it will be up in the collection in case you want to take a look. Comments are enabled. Full synopsis available upon request. Also, what do you think of the short synopsis?

The Weight of the Sun
#Adventure #Grimdark #Shipping (Is that how you do the new tags? Do they even work in reply posts?)

Some very strange things happen when you die. Take me, for example. Who would’ve guessed that I’d end up in my daughter’s favorite TV show? Although, there were some sinister things going on that I don’t recall being in the cartoon. I woke up in a dungeon with someone yelling, “What the buck is that thing and what the buck happened to the spell?!” And things... pretty much just went downhill from there.

My name is Staff Sergeant James Reichert, US Army, and this is my story.

Gdocs Collection (Comments enabled): https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B5F9H8wZO8lANTU3MDY5ZDgtNmI1YS00YjcwLWJkMTgtOWQwMDcwMDZlZTMw
>> No. 78198
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New tags can only be used when you're making a new thread. You have to click on the Show Tags button between Message and File.
>> No. 78199
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Oh look, it's this story again.
>> No. 78201
Oh look, it's Ion-Sturm again. Hi Ion! How's it going?
>> No. 78204
Actually, while I have your attention:

An author from the Training Grounds was looking for you. He was going to try and get a hold of you on his own, but I never found out how that went.

Aaaannyways, here's his TG post: >>75734

He really had his heart set on getting your assessment. I did what I could for him. >>77582

If you've already talked to him, then you can just disregard this.
>> No. 78207
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Goody, looks like the nightly fic flood just rolled in. About to head to bed, so here's the latest queue:

-The Fall of Discord (1/4 of the way done)
-MLP: Friendship is Forever
-The Cloudy Stars
-The Weight of the Sun

If the Friendship is Forever guy is lurking about, do me a favor and specify what chapters you want me to look at. Several chapters isn't a bad thing, but throwing me twenty-five of them definitely is. It's the equivilant of being buried, even worse than that time I was in "Quicksand and You- Yes, the World IS Out To Get You".
>> No. 78209


I first want to thank you for the constructive critisisms you made, I cannot possibly fantom how you managed to make that many comments about my grammar. I am beggining to understand that my grammar really needs more then just a revision. Atleast this is an improvement, the last guy that read this threw me a score below the baseline and said he was felt angry reading the whole thing. Now it has degraded into mild annoyance.

On a separate note, I am taking some of your points that really make me think about the direction of the story. The most preimmenent is the fact that this needs to feel like Equestria and not ancient Greek mythology country. Trust me I will have the characters mention or handwave this as much as I can, but I do not want this to boil down to what other human In Equestria stories boil down to.

In the end, what I need is the patiance to check for grammar problems. On an unrelated note, do you get fan fics as bad as mine? I mean, I've seen fan fics with some really bad grammar, and I am just curius to see if there are people with worse syntax and formating skills like me.

With regards
>> No. 78215
File 132670028852.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

Is it the worst grammar I've seen? No. Is it somewhat down there? Yes. Can it be improved and made into something awesome? Most definitely. Just take a hard look at the grammar, and make sure it feels more like 'My Little Pony' than 'The Griffons of Greece' (Although I do enjoy some Greek mythology...).

Good luck, mate!

...why am I still here? -Glances left and right-
>> No. 78258
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*Yaaaaawn*. Okay, that was a nice rest. Time to continue where I left of-... Oh look, another reviewer took a crack at it while I was asleep. Alrighty then, still gonna finish it up to cover plot and point out any leftover errors.

Alright, here we go. Grammarwise, you're not too bad. However, there's a couple mistakes you keep making:
-If the sentence following a quote isn't a saying verb, then the sentence ends with a period. Take for example these three samples:
"That was a lovely meal, Fluttershy," Twilight said with a smile. (CORRECT)
"That was a lovely meal, Fluttershy." Twilight nodded her head appreciatively. (CORRECT)
"That was a lovely meal, Fluttershy," Twilight nodded her head appreciatively. (WRONG)
That last example is what you keep doing. Stick to example A or B.

-Thoughts don't need quotation marks, italics will suffice.
-If you end a quote at one point, add a sentence, and then pick up the quote again, the new part is capitalized. In example:
"I don't understand," Rainbow Dash said weakly, "Why are you doing this?"
Also, to make it even better, make the middle sentence end with a period.

Plotwise, you're having some characterization problems in the first half of your story. Celestia is royalty, and she should act as such. I doubt a princess would leap from her chair in excitement when a student of her walks in the room. She should be calm, relaxed, regal. Speaking of her student, Twilight could stand to be a bit less calm. Your Twilight walks into the main hall of the castle like she owns the place. Have her show some respect to Celestia.

The flashback part isn't too bad, although Celestia should probably stop being such a baby and act like a big sister. Protect Luna, darn it! Also, a lot of your sentences are very 'telly'. Instead of having your characters leap from a garden to a living room, have them walk there, noting the things they pass along the way.

All in all, grammar needs some work, characterization should be fixed, and make it a bit less telly. Good luck!

Alright, let's see what's next. I'm more ready than that time they offered me a role in "Pinkie Pie and the Chocolate Factory 2: Candy Carnage".
>> No. 78264
Thanks for the input! I'm already fixing it.

On one detail, though -- Celestia looking like a baby. Supposedly, she just ran away in panic and later realized her parents were in danger. That's why I thought it would be a proper behaviour. If someone is telling me that it looks like she's a baby though, then that means I must have failed somewhere. Probably in the part where I mention them escaping into the forest? I guess that part may be a bit convoluted.

Feel no worry, however, as I don't intend to make Celestia much more emotional from this point on. She wouldn't become ruler of Equestria if she had no spine!

If you have anything major to point out, do say so, though. Right now, this chapter's having a complete overhaul.
>> No. 78268
Oh, and I couldn't help but laugh when I read your comments on Celestia's OOC moment in the Throne room. Quite a funny wording.
>> No. 78269
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Heeeere comes a half-review.

Starting off with grammar (as per usual)...
-You have a TON of comma errors. To be specific, there's many places where a comma could go where there isn't any. It all feels like one big run-on sentence.
-Learn the difference between 'your' and 'you're'.
-You could probably make your page breaks more noticeable. Try ~'s instead of .'s, and add more than three.
-You occasionally capitalize where it isn't needed. Sometimes, you even forget to end a quote with punctuation.
-Incorrect word usage occasionally.
-Thoughts shouldn't be put in quotations, because then it seems like external dialogue. Remove the quotes and italicize it instead.

Moving on to plot. It looks like a genderswap story, which isn't bad in and of itself... except that it happens to an OC. If it happened to a main character, it might be interesting, but having it happen to an OC just makes me wonder 'why should I care?'. I'm not saying that you should start over, just giving, like, my opinion, man.

Twilight and Rarity are relatively in character. Fluttershy, however, seems to warm up to the OC too fast. Also, her entrance is pretty sudden; she comes out of nowhere.

Another thing: I don't understand the relationship between Twi and the OC. Right off the bat, they seem like friends, which seems forced. If they're friends, say why they're friends. If he's just stopping by her library, say why.

On a final note, a lot of your sentences are extremely 'telly'. Don't be afraid to add some build-up or extensions. Plus, the dream sequence in the second chapter should have a page break after it, lest readers mistake it for actually happening. I know I did, at first.

All in all, not too bad. Not quite sure why, but this story gives me a positive vibe that I find enjoyable. You do, however, need to dump a bucket of commas (available anywhere you can find 'cauldrons of quotations') on your work, as well as tackling a number of other grammar problems.

Plot's fine, if a little uninteresting. Make Fluttershy a bit more 'shy', give the OC a reason for being at Twi's library, and give that dream sequence a page break. Starting showing instead of telling, and you'll be fine.
>> No. 78270

I guess chapters 6-12 are probably the highest-priority right now.
>> No. 78271
File 132674180416.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )

Nyuck nyuck nyuck.
>> No. 78273
File 132674317879.png - (133.94KB , 827x534 , This pleases McClure.png )
Doing this review as I go along.

Grammar is, for the most part, solid. A few things of note, however:
-While it's very rare, you occasionally miss a comma.
-I think you're capitalizing words you shouldn't be, like 'humvee' or 'public relations'. I could be wrong.
-When you call the man a national, it should be 'native'.
-Google.docs comes with its own page breaks. Instead of the string of -'s, just go up to 'insert' and 'insert page break'.
-When the angry man starts swearing, you put a period right before 'business'. Ditch it.

-You start skipping around a bit in the second half of the prologue. They seem to teleport straight from the angry man to their lieutenant and back, and the death of the main character's comrade happens in less than one sentence.
-Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA. Right off the bat, Trixie's dying? Why does it even need to be Trixie? Can't it just be some random pony he saves? At least give some sorta reason.
-If I went from getting headshot to waking up surrounded by ponies (even though I'd probably think that's awesome), I'd most likely freak out a little first. Your character goes straight from 'BOOM, dead' to 'Gotta save the innoccent', without any panic in between. He doesn't have to go postal, he seems like a calm kinda person... but a little panic wouldn't hurt, no?

All in all, I like it so far. You have good description, you made the main character and Ashar very likable, and I admit it, the ending of the prologue made me a little sad. The second chapter's a bit 'WTF', however... suddenly, dying trixie, useless subordinates, etc. Take a small look at your grammar and look for the plot parts I pointed out.
>> No. 78277
File 132674407127.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

I'm going to be perfectly honest: I skimmed. A lot. It's nothing against the story, but all those chapters still felt like too much. Plus, you only needed help on one aspect, so I'll be covering that in earnest.

You said that telling and not showing is an issue. Yes, yes it certainly is. For example: In chapter 6, Rainbow Dash gives herself away when she flaps her wings and alerts some guards. That was extremely telly. How about instead, the guards become aware of a strange flapping sound, and then Rainbow Dash realizes the noise was coming from her absent-mindedly flapping her wings in excitement? Definitely much more showy than telly. Of course, this is only one instance; there are many more just like it. Keep an eye out for it.

Grammarwise, you're pretty solid. A teeny-tiny error here and there, but nothing detracting from the story. Plotwise... eh, I skipped the first six chapters, so it's all confusing as hay for me. Can't give my opinion there. Mostly, just focus on your show and tell, and you've got a great story on your hooves.

And now my queue is empty. FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOM!
>> No. 78289
Feel up to reviewing another one of my stories?
>> No. 78292
File 132675038777.png - (133.94KB , 827x534 , This pleases McClure.png )

Yeeeeeees please. The queue's empty, and I greatly enjoyed your last entry. Hit me with it!
>> No. 78296
This one is quite a departure from the last one, just so you know. Also, there's very little pony in it, as it was written as a proof-of-concept for a subversion of The Conversion Bureau sub-fandom (For the uninitiated, the original is about how terrible humans are and how great ponies are in comparison, then the mass transformation of humans into ponies. In other words, your typical furry story. As a sidenote, the AU/EU stories made by other authors are far better).
Anyways, have at 'er.
The link is to my story index. You'll find a synopsis there. Maverick, the third story, is the one I'm submitting. If you feel up to it, I wouldn't mind you taking a look at Story with Occasional Editor, but that's entirely up to you.
>> No. 78297
I hoped you might review this little adventure for me. I would much appreciate any help you can give me :)
Description: A young filly, run out of her home town, seeks out the Southern mainland of Equestria. When she finds it in ruins, she seeks out what appened and how to fix it.
[Sad] [Adventure]
Tags: Short Story adventure
>> No. 78298
Forgot the link

>> No. 78299
Ah the comma mortal enemy of mine right next the semi-colon. But that is what editing and re-reads are for.

Yeah sorry about the opening I always find those and the ending to be the hardest part to pull off in a story. The idea for the fic spawned out of an /rp/ thread so I can understand the confusion. As for Twi and Star's relationship initially its a very business oriented one. He needs to get books at the library she lives in the library: it's something he can't avoid (much to his chagrin).
Did I mess up Fluttershy's characterization too badly? I just wanted to portray her as the caring naturing character she appears to be on the show.
>> No. 78300
File 132675635896.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Fluttershy isn't TOO off, but just remember: She is caring, that's true, but she's also shy. She can be caring and shy at the same time. Just sayin' that she warms up and gets buddy-buddy with the OC a lil' too fast. And if that's Twi and the OC's relationship, make sure the reader knows ASAP.

Good luck!
>> No. 78306
awesome, thanks!
>> No. 78309
File 132676015159.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

Finished. Now, let's see...

Nothing new to say about your grammar. Any errors you made have been pointed out, and can be seen in your last review.

Plotwise, it was great; it felt more like a novel than a fanfiction, to be honest. But there's a problem... it doesn't feel like MLP. You could remove that bit about ponies at the end, and it would probably be a completely different story. Surely there must be some way to slip in a pony reference here or there. Or, if you can't, then make more chapters where it IS MLP... maybe one day he's somehow reminded of his human experiences, and seeks to find out what it means? I dunno, it's your story, up to you.

All in all, two hooves up for plot, and grammar is about the same as it was last time. My only major complaint? Pony it up.
>> No. 78310
File 132676166667.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )

Alrighty then, here goes nothing.

Grammarwise, mostly solid. Some run-on sentences, some missing commas, but not much wrong otherwise.

It's the PLOT you want to look at. Yeegads, it needs a serious overhaul. Let me cover a few things...
-The main character feels like a Mary-Sue. Crushed ribs, but still manages to go on? Not like most ponies? Constant references to her beauty? The sole survivor of a bigotted group of townsfolks, and the only reason is because 'her parents lover her just enough'? Speaking of which, you're starting to make Twilight sound like a Mary-Sue too, with all those references to her 'oh so glamorous appearance', and her sudden ability to completely fix broken ribs.
-You make it sound like a desert and the tundra exist right next to each other. Geography doesn't work that way.
-Twilight's explaining some history to the OC and then BAM, a big villain is loose? No. Serious build-up needed.
-Twilight latches onto the OC too fast, which just fortifies the whole Mary-Sue feeling. She trusts a complete stranger to come help her save the world, after just meeting her? Euuuuuugh.
-Sentences are very telly, at some points.
-The second half of the story is EXTREMELY rushed. The first half is to, to a certain degree. The villain is revealed and defeated in not just one chapter, but in under maybe 2k-3k words? Once again, no.

All in all, grammar is mostly solid... but the plot, man, THE PLOT. Augh, it almost hurt to read. I'm not saying you should scrap it, but please, give it a massive overhaul.
>> No. 78311
Alright, yeah, I think a dragging out is in order, and in retrospect, perhaps it WAS too short to be a real story, editations are in progress as we speak, and may be complete within a week's time, with any real luck. Your honesty is mch appreciated.
>> No. 78312
File 132676222682.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

It's why I'm here, friend.
>> No. 78313
I have another, less embarassing piece that has underwent the first round editations. However, after what I've learened, and SEEN for myself, I won't punish your eyes, unless you feel up to the task of it, since I feel that a few of the mistakes of the last one may also be present. I'll leave the choice up to you.
>> No. 78314
File 132676305547.png - (133.96KB , 828x535 , And then I srs\'d the buck up.png )

Sure, I'll take a look at it. I can't guarantee I'll read it all the way through, however. Depends on how much of an improvement it is over the last one.
>> No. 78315

Thank you so much for the review. Such a quick turnaround is rare in these parts, and very much appreciated.

I'll proofread for capitalization and commas. Can't catch everything, ya know?

I enlisted (if you'll pardon the pun) the help an actual US Army ROTC cadet to help me maintain accuracy in respect to the US Army's operating procedures, terminology, etc. "National" is the military terminology for a native/local. I quote the CDT on the issue of Garcia's death: "If a guy is dead, no point letting more men die because you're paying attention to a dead person. After the battle, then yeah, take care of the dead, but the living are more important. (paraphrase from my ROTC training)" I'll work to smooth out that scene so it doesn't seem so jumpy. It's short, in part, because from a few different reviewers, I detected a common undertone of, "The less we see of Iraq, the better."

Garcia will actually be returning much later on in a dream to put James' mind at ease about some things, like his wife, daughter, and friend. It's going to be a very chilling yet inspiring section of the story.

The reason why it feels like there's no transition between Iraq and Equestria is that there used to be a longer space-scene there, where James talked to God, and got a lot of his questions answered that way. I had conflicting responses to it, and also because it answered too many questions, like the fate of his wife and daughter, I decided to take it out. Do you think if I stretched that scene with more monologue about James' death and everything, and his acceptance of it, that it might not seem so unbelievable that he's got his head together in the dungeon? It was supposed to seem like an eternity to him, but I guess three paragraphs don’t exactly sell the timeframe, hehe.

Yes, it has to be Trixie. She was the sacrifice for the ritual. It doesn't make sense right now, but things will tie together. Isn't that the point, though? To leave questions unanswered? If the readers knew why Trixie was there and dying from square one, that wouldn't be a very interesting story, would it?

Like I stated in the request post, the full synopsis is available upon request. I don't want to advertise it, but I'll email it to you if you want to take a look.

Thanks again, and have a nice day.
>> No. 78316
Here's where it stands: It's a short story, that is roughly longer than the last one. I had wanted at some point to move it into chapters, but I also didn't want to lose the idea. I'd have to say, it SHOULD be a jump above, but that's for you to decide really. All i really want to know is if my hooves are i the right direction...
>> No. 78317
I forgot to ask:

do you want me to come back after the revision?
>> No. 78318
Description: A young pegasus, now a captured prisoner, is lead through the streets of a Canterlot. While he admits to the charges against him, he relates the truth of the happenings in perhaps his last words, before his sentence.
Tags: Minor Dark, Slice of Life, Light Shipping
>> No. 78320
Ignore.. that last one... SOrry for the spam...
>> No. 78322

Ahhh, I see. It seems my time in "War of the Worlds: Earth and Jupiter, To Be Specific" wasn't enough to prep me completely on military lingo and practices. By all means, don't take my word for guarantee on stuff like that.

If you say it must be Trixie, then fine, you're the writer. If I may make a suggestion, reveal the reason sooner rather than later. Twists are nice and all, but this doesn't really seem like something you can drag out too long without leaving the reader going 'What the fuuuuuuu-'.

The drifting through space part doesn't need to be edited at all, in my opinion. What should be done, however, is that the main character be a little less stoic upon his arrival in Equestria. It's bad enough that he's surrounded by talking ponies, let alone the fact there's a dying one on the wall and everypony is dressed like a cultist.

Sure, by all means, send it back after revisions. I'd be delighted to keep an eye on it.
>> No. 78323
File 132676544000.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

This is a much bigger improvement over the last one, though it's still far from excellent. I'll get right to it:

-If the pony who's speaking changes, you start a new paragraph. You have multiple ponies speaking in the same paragraph, and that is confusing as hay.
-Run-ons, here and there.
-Occasional incorrect wording.

-While it's not as bad as the other one... major Gary-Stu here. He's dating Luna? NO. He's friends with the entire mane cast? NO. He's treated importantly, despite being little more than a delivery colt? NO,NO,NO.
-The monster's invasion of Canterlot happens WAY too fast.
-I gotta say, this villain is much more interesting than the last one.
-A lot of parts need build-up.
-Celestia offers him mercy, despite believing that he kidnapped her sister? No, that's not how a ticked-off monarch works.

To summarize: Grammer's not perfect, but it's not terrible. Plot, however, needs to be attacked fiercely. We've got a Gary-Stu on our hooves, and he needs to be put down and replaced with something realistic. Also, more build-up is once again needed. However, I'll give you this: This beat the hay out of the last story, and should probably be focused on first. Give it your best.
>> No. 78324
To be frank, I'll reconstruct them, then I'll put away the pen and quill. I just think this is FAR out of my reach, and extends well beyond my talents, which come to think of it, were never really talents to begin with. Thank you, good sir, for your honesty, and while you may not agree, it's been a pleasure. This just flat out isn't my place to be. I'll just stick to doing what I've always done: Simply Dream. Thank you, for your time, your patience, and your now rotting eyeballs. I'll pay for replacements as needed, just send me the bill.
>> No. 78326
File 132676676394.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )

Hey now, don't be like that. Your grammar is good, and that's half of the story right there. Your plot isn't terrible either. The only problem I can say you have is that your story's could do with being lengthened, and that you have a HORRIBLE knack for making Mary-Sues. All you gotta do is remember to make your characters realistic. Which sounds more believable to you... a character being sent to their death for a crime against the royal throne, or a character getting the second-best punishment for the same crime, just because he and the Princess are BFFs?

If you want to quit, I can't change that. But I see potential in you, and I'd hate to see that go to waste. Good luck with whatever you decide.
>> No. 78329
Sometimes... you have to know when to quit. What was I trying to prove? In the end, the sad fact remains: like a fool, I built up my hopes, only to realize that nothing has changed. I'm still a child who still believes the best in people; that miracles do happen, when only the opposite is true. No amount of training will ever change me, and in the end, the real world will swallow me whole.
So, all I ask, is that you, if you can, delete all traces of my exitance from the website, and try to wipe up the corruption I've spread here. I'm afriad this is where my train gets off, and it's time to get moving again, off to perhaps somewhere that I can blossom, but clearly it is not here, amidst the talent of all these other writer's. Fare thee well, my friend.
>> No. 78330
File 132676865195.png - (135.24KB , 824x536 , THE END IS NIGH.png )

...You're making this just a weeeeensy bit dramatic, don't you think? But, if you're throwing in the towel, I can't stop you. The only one who can get rid of your story is you, my friend. Good luck.

Now, then... my queue is bone dry. Hit me with something, people!
>> No. 78334

If your queue is empty but you still want to review, you should jump in the Training Grounds >>76709

Our latest queue update can be found at >>78235

We have many adorable fics just waiting to be taken home by a lucky someone! Claim your prize, and give 'em hell!
>> No. 78336
File 132677024330.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Hmmmm... definitely an option. I'm hittin' the hay early tonight, so if my queue's still empty when I return, I'll take a crack at it.

Have a nice night, everypony!
>> No. 78337

Having read your rules, I figured I'd ask before actually posting the story. I've been writing a Psych crossover, and I was wondering if you'd be open to reviewing it.

Yes, it's an HiE crossover, so two points against... figured it couldn't hurt to inquire within, though, so to speak.
>> No. 78339
File 132677064720.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )

Sorry mate, never heard of it. Probably better off searching elsewhere.
>> No. 78344
Separating scenes with a line of characters, like

> ------------------------

is the Equestria Daily standard. That's one of their set-in-stone rules for fanfiction submissions. They don't post anything without this. I don't know what their standing on simple page breaks are, but this is how they want it, it's how I've been doing it, and it's what I've been telling authors to do for over three months now.


Just a little FYI.
>> No. 78345
Weighing in again, as this is relevant to my interests.

The problem with long lines of hyphens that attempt to traverse the width of the screens is that they look really ugly the moment there's a font change (say, if someone DLs your doc).

I always recommend that authors use less severe character lines. Like a centered "***" or "<-oOo->" or "<>--<>" or whatever little shape they want to make.

If you're set on having lines across the page, though, just look in the GDocs Insert menu for the "Horzontal line". That inserts a horizontal line that'll be the same width regardless of your font size.
>> No. 78346
File 132677496191.jpg - (79.60KB , 700x695 , 30UxS.jpg )
I didn't see anything detailing the use of page breaks. What section is that in?
That's just an example, right?
"We can't submit your story."
"Why not?"
"You used Emdashes instead of Endashes."
>> No. 78352

Well, it seems that is the "suggested" way to do it, as I've since been corrected.

Equestria Daily does not "require" scene separators, but they "recommend" them—semantics a paralegal would have an absolutely jolly time with.

The bottom line is: that's how I do it, and that's how a lot of other people do it. If you want to recommend full page breaks to separate scenes, then by all means do so, and stick by it. I can't guarantee that everyone will take the recommendation.
>> No. 78527
File 132682828233.png - (133.96KB , 828x535 , And then I srs\'d the buck up.png )
And then I came back to a discussion on the types of page breaks. Guess I'm going to be heading to Training Grounds after all.

Also, if I may add my personal opinion:
-Google.docs should utilize the built in page break feature, or use a centered, short string of one special characters (such as ~, /\/, or -). This helps prevent formatting errors.
-For fimfiction, fanfiction, etc., any kind of page break will do. I, myself, prefer either a string of -'s or the built-in page breaks of fimfiction.
>> No. 78608
Howdy Trots,

I'm in your thread, hoping you'll stand by for any questions I may have. They'll most likely be minor, maybe just an outsiders look will do sometimes. I'll spare you from reading my entire piece again.

That said I'm relieved you didn't dislike it.
I've now fixed the tension problem by adding more atmospheric attributes. Example: The clouds towards the end now grow gradually throughout the story, starting with a clear sunrise and ending with a thick blanket of clouds only Rainbow Dash (who's still missing) could hope clean up.
And there's more of course.

One more question I have at the moment, more in general a bit, is how do you make a piece "show, don't tell" in stead of just really verbose telling? You said that adding words would probably fic the 'tell' part, but what if it only makes it more verbose telling (or worse yet, purple-telling)?
From what I've read in guides, I should change the bit by appealing to the senses. Describing looks, sounds and smells, and not just add words that don't really speak to the imagination.

Really appreciate the help :-)
>> No. 78614

Hmmm... I'm not that good at explaining it, so let me give an example that should help, hopefully.

Twilight Sparkle went back to the living room and found Pinkie Pie.

Twilight exited the room, traveling down the hallway she'd just came from. She found herself back in the living room, though no trace of her friend could be seen. "Now where could Pinkie Pie have gone off t-"


Twilight let out a yelp, turning to look into the face of a certain pink pony. "Pinkie Pie, don't scare me like that!" She breathed, regaining her composure.

I don't think that was the best example. But, hopefully it should get the point across.
>> No. 78732
Hey Trots,

I've only just now stumbled upon your longer review of my piece (True Discord). I'll delve into that right away. Heads up: questions may be coming your way again ;-)

Thanks for the huge post :D
>> No. 78740
File 132693571072.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )

You never saw the whole review?


Annyyywaaaay, sure, toss any new questions you have my way.

On another note, my current queue:
-Zip. Nada. Zilch. Nozing. Empty.

It's empier than my wallet after I agreed to endorse sweaters for pegasi (I swear that nopony told me they'd forgotten to put openings for wings!). Hit me, authors!
>> No. 78749
Oké I'll comment on a few issues you had with my piece. I'd like to see your take, on my take on these things:

- Wouldn’t AJ be a bit suspicious that her apple harvest pretty much quintupled in size?
+ She's suspicious, but she doesn't want to worry Twilight about it. Fixing this in her after thought.

- I find it hard to believe Rarity can mold a diamond in seconds.
+ I'll try to elongate that sequence then.

I don’t think she can shape gems like that at all.
+ This is why I made the spell last only an hour. Also, why wouldn't she be able to? It'd be a great spell for a pony who designs dresses littered with gems. Can you clarify why you think it'd be impossible?

- She can mold a statue in seconds, yet it exerts her to exhaustion just to crush a pebble?
+ That's because if the spell is meant for diamonds, it won't matter how much magic she puts into it when using it on pebbles, it simply won't work. It's like trying to push a nail into a wall with your finger, when you clearly need a hammer.

- Shouldn’t Twilight be smart enough to recognize Discords signs?
+ I'll fix this by emphasizing Twilights main priority is making sure everything goes all right and make her focus on the cause of all the problems later on. You know how irrational and oblivious she can act when working under pressure (Lesson Zero, Swarm of the Century, the sleepover episode).

- They all sound like robots due to stilted dialogue.
+ Is that within the dialogue itself or the way it's being presented with the surrounding words? ex: I could spice it up with words or with body language.

- The pictures in your story won’t load for me.
+ Try the downloadable version.

+ I got the names from the FIM wikia.

-Pinkie Pie comes in blabbering about raining chocolate.
+ Here's a subtlety: She doesn't mention rain, she mentions it pouring. Maybe that was too subtle though.

- How about Pinkie tries to tell Twilight something, ... had walked out the door. Same effect, less ‘wat’.
+ Good idea, I'll implement that in other instances too. It tells the reader something about the ponies/story whilst having the characters remain oblivious to each others knowledge.

-”Twilight swept the skies”.
+ Thanks. I didn't like this sentence either but couldn't think of a good way to fix it. I thought it would be obvious enough since everypony knows she's not a pegasus.

- Fluttershy comes out of NOWHERE.
+ I'll fix it so that Twilight bumps into her because her attention was in the skies, not right in front of her. Fluttershy also isn't one to loudly announce her presence nor to crash into anypony like RD does. So I thought I'd done this okay enough. I'll see if I can do something about it.
>> No. 78750

- Fluttershy should be a bit less calm. She’s not the best flyer, and would probably be a bit upset about having to take over RD’s cloud duty. Plus, her precious animal’s are all transmogrifying, which definitely isn’t something she wouldn’t bat an eye at.
+ And here I was thinking I'd made her too expressive already. Okie dokie lokie. Did you catch how she's all going a bit ocd when Twilight comes to pick her up for cloud-duty? I've made her forget about everything save for fixing her patients, so this should've been "showing".
Also, yeah I totally get that she'd be upset about having to fix RDs mistake. I'll make her more expressive about that. It'll really help build some tension :D

- While it’s not necessarily wrong, reusing all of Discord’s antics from the episode itself is a bit of a cop-out. Don’t be afraid to make up your own chaos; trust me, it can be a LOT of fun.
+ I especially put some effort in it to get to everypony by using the old tricks of Discord. And to also get the reader to get what's going on more easily. Also, ironically, I was hoping it'd put Discord out of the picture MORE because he'd be a too obvious answer :p.
I'll stick to his old antics, since it'll be more relevant later on in the overall story.

- ”Ponyville’s depending on you!” To grab some diamonds and cart them over to Rarity? The task isn’t THAT important, is it?
+ Okay I can see this isn't clear at all. The CMC are sent on fixing EVERY SINGLE FAULTY DECORATION in Ponyville. The hyperbole by Twilight serves two purposes: 1) to get the fillies to not take this task lightly in the least (overkill is to be safe rather than sorry). 2) it shows Twilights panicy state of mind (in Lesson Zero: "My whole life depends on it!")

- As stated above, your dialogue is pretty stilted. It’s not bad, but many of your sentences are either A. Run-ons, B. Could be merged, C. Could be longer, or D. Written oddly.
+ First draft + word repetition avoidance does not a good dialogue make. I'll srsly look into this.

+ The book version has the title problem fixed. It's just the draft version that doesn't format titles appropriately. The titles aren't set in stone btw. atm this is a non-issue. Thanks for the heads up though.

- Also, since pony’s is possessive, it gets an apostrophe. etc.
+ I never got this rule. Definitely something to work on.

- The quotation marks you have before your quotes seem to have fallen on the floor.
+ It's a single command I can replace :D. Also, I think the ,,'' thing looks better and it's what I'm used too. I don't read fiction so I didn't know this either. Should I fix this? Or can I apply the ,,'' thing consistently?

- I see English most likely isn’t your first language.
+ I'm natively Dutch. The biggest issue I thought I'd have was that the word-order would be Dutch, but the semantics and spelling would be spot on, making it REALLY awkward. I'll UK-spell check my stuff.

- I’m seeing sentences that could really do with being merged together. Apart, they seem like fragments.
+ I'll try splitting them into two merged sentences. if they are the parts I think you mean. It's probabyl about the ones where I would've either used 4 comma's, 1 awkward comma or no commas at all. I'm taking this into account.

- Occasional strange word placement, such as “Spike knew all too well that today would be a special day, as would tomorrow be”. It should be something like “Spike knew all too well that today would be a special day, and tomorrow would be as well”. Stuff like this seems to happen a lot.
+ This may be the Dutch/English sentence structure thing I mentioned. It's not wrong in English, but it's awkward and steps into purple territory. I'll fix this too. I'd rather have it more readable and enjoyable if it means sacrificing a bit of stretching the rules a bit.

- Not sure if dabbling is actually a word. Even if it is, considering something like ‘jabbering’ or ‘blabbering’.
+ I had to check the spelling for this one actually. It is a real and appropriate word and either from context or it's appearance it should be clear what it means. I like this word over the clichés you mentioned (no offence).

- Sometimes, it’s impossible to tell who’s talking.
Make sure it’s clear.
+ With two ponies it should've been clear. But since it apparently wasn't, I'll fix this too :-)

- You’re missing words here and there. “First pony on her list”? Should be “The first pony on her list”.
+ Most of these are likely intended. I tried to narrate in a way I like to speak or think. I'll go fix it though.

- “If you say so Applejack, I’ll believe you”. It’s “I believe you”.
+ I'd approve either, but I'll fix it.

- Applejack’s ‘ah’s’ don’t need to be capitalized.
+ as 'Ah' is her way of saying "I", and since "I" is capitalized, I figured I'd capitalize "Ah" too. Not fixing this.

- Occasional forgetting of putting punctuation at the end of a quote.
+ I'm very much aware of this but it's so much work to run through all the dialogue :-( I'll fix it though ;-)

- “A sigh of relieve“. It’s a sigh of ‘relief’.
+ Typical homonym. Fixed.

- Numbers should be spelled out. I see at least one instance of ‘100’. Make it ‘one hundred’.
+ Thanks, I'll keep this in mind for other numbers as well.


Plotwise, it’s not too bad, but suffers from a couple OOC ponies and some odd choices. Also, reusing previously-used chaos is pretty unoriginal; I highly recommend coming up with your own ideas, though it’s not necessary.
+ As I mentioned earlier. It's pretty integrated into the overall plot/story to do the previous things all over again. Discord not only wants to announce his reappearance, he wants to actually be remembered. I'll try to rewrite this so make that more obvious. (If I can).

Grammarwise? Needs a LOT of work. Run-ons, fragments, odd word choice, flipped quotations, and many more… and most of those mistakes were noticed on the first page.
+ Word-choice is to avoid repetition. Still I'll see what I can get fixed. The rest is just basic grammar I need to fix :-) Even though I REALLY like the flipped quotation marks lol.

Dialogue is relatively fine, but it needs to sound less robotic.


THANKS for this in-depth review. I'll be sure to make it good enough to get people to favourite it.
>> No. 78763
File 132693954501.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Most of this is pretty agreeable. However, if I may point out a couple:

I don’t think she can shape gems like that at all.
+ This is why I made the spell last only an hour. Also, why wouldn't she be able to? It'd be a great spell for a pony who designs dresses littered with gems. Can you clarify why you think it'd be impossible?

As far as I know, she just finds the gems, she isn't a jewelcrafter. However, now that I think about it, it is pretty unlikely that she wouldn't edit the jewels in any way. Still, that's probably something worth pointing out (her jewel-crafting ability, that is).

- She can mold a statue in seconds, yet it exerts her to exhaustion just to crush a pebble?
+ That's because if the spell is meant for diamonds, it won't matter how much magic she puts into it when using it on pebbles, it simply won't work. It's like trying to push a nail into a wall with your finger, when you clearly need a hammer.

I dunno, even with that reasoning it seems a bit off. Even if it's diamond only, surely crushing a pebble with something that can mold diamonds would be child's play.

- They all sound like robots due to stilted dialogue.
+ Is that within the dialogue itself or the way it's being presented with the surrounding words? ex: I could spice it up with words or with body language.

It's mostly the stilted dialogue. Most of the sentences are short and bullet-like, firing out way too fast. It just sounds... robotic. Merging sentences should fix this for the most part.

- The quotation marks you have before your quotes seem to have fallen on the floor.
+ It's a single command I can replace :D. Also, I think the ,,'' thing looks better and it's what I'm used too. I don't read fiction so I didn't know this either. Should I fix this? Or can I apply the ,,'' thing consistently?

I'd fix it, if I were you. Trust me, it's doing more harm than help.

- Not sure if dabbling is actually a word. Even if it is, considering something like ‘jabbering’ or ‘blabbering’.
+ I had to check the spelling for this one actually. It is a real and appropriate word and either from context or it's appearance it should be clear what it means. I like this word over the clichés you mentioned (no offence).

None taken. But, in retrospect, I made in error; dabbling IS a word, but you're using it in the wrong context. When someone dabbles, they dabble in something (Think 'I dabbled in fine arts' or 'he's dabbling in advanced enchanting'). The way you use it, as a speaking word, is a way I've never seen before. You don't have to use my examples, but you should probably use a speaking verb instead of that. How about 'chattered' instead?

- Applejack’s ‘ah’s’ don’t need to be capitalized.
+ as 'Ah' is her way of saying "I", and since "I" is capitalized, I figured I'd capitalize "Ah" too. Not fixing this.

Trust me on this one, I've fallen for this mistake myself. It just seems forced and blocky to constantly see so much capitalization next to a lowercase, and I've had this told to me before. After fixing it, it looked so much better, and your Applejack dialogue will look better too. Yes, it's her way of saying I, but that doesn't mean it should be capitalized.

As for deciding to stick with the old chaos, that's fine. I'm curious to see how relevant it'll be to the future chapters. Still, you should probably give Twilight a clear reason for being so oblivious then. Make it more apparant that she's too preoccupied to notice, instead of throwing the evidence in her face and having her just go 'nah, too busy to care'.
>> No. 78776

Why am I still up... It's 3:30 AM and I have an exam tomorrow lol.

Anyway, thanks for the quick reply.

As far as I know, she just finds the gems, she isn't a jewelcrafter. However, now that I think about it, it is pretty unlikely that she wouldn't edit the jewels in any way. Still, that's probably something worth pointing out (her jewel-crafting ability, that is).
+ Come to think of it, there's probably a jeweler-pony in town that would do these things for her. Nonetheless, her having this spell does fit the story i.m.o. but I'll just have to fix it so that it fits in the story. Maybe elaborate on some things.

I dunno, even with that reasoning it seems a bit off. Even if it's diamond only, surely crushing a pebble with something that can mold diamonds would be child's play.
+ It's a 'show' that should reveal to Rarity that what she's working her magic on isn't a diamond. I'll just emphasize that. Keeping the pebble intact may be more convincing. Trying to hammer a nail with a screwdriver might be a better analogy.

It's mostly the stilted dialogue. Most of the sentences are short and bullet-like, firing out way too fast. It just sounds... robotic. Merging sentences should fix this for the most part.
+ Thanks. That shouldn't be too difficult.

I'd fix it, if I were you. Trust me, it's doing more harm than help.
+ I'll take this advice, AND USE IT! Sorry, I just felt like putting it that way :p

Dabbling is now jabbering. I'll just go with that. Still like dabbling better though. Too bad it's already got a meaning.

Trust me on this one, I've fallen for this mistake myself. It just seems forced and blocky to constantly see so much capitalization next to a lowercase, and I've had this told to me before. After fixing it, it looked so much better, and your Applejack dialogue will look better too. Yes, it's her way of saying I, but that doesn't mean it should be capitalized.
+ How peculiar. Oké ah'll fix that.

As for deciding to stick with the old chaos, that's fine. I'm curious to see how relevant it'll be to the future chapters. Still, you should probably give Twilight a clear reason for being so oblivious then. Make it more apparant that she's too preoccupied to notice, instead of throwing the evidence in her face and having her just go 'nah, too busy to care'.
+ This'll be the toughest part since she's kinda too busy to notice. Though I'm contradicting this since she's taking mental notes. She'll figure it out in part two of chapter one though, using the book Spike found for her.

Also, I've read that making a character an alicorn will make it a mary sue.
I had quite a few ideas for future problems, including making the mane six all alicorns. It'd fit perfectly with Discords nature and the overall story and it'd be a great source of struggle for most of the ponies (not to mention a great souce of chaos). So would it be okéokay to make them all alicorns? I have backup plans but I like this one. An Alicorn Pinkie Pie would be so awesome /)^3^(\
>> No. 78777

One more question, as I'm now skimming my older version of the chapter. Could you maybe give the top five sentences that had run-ons, fragments and odd word choice? I'm not familiar with any of those terms. I can guess what they mean and look up the definitions but examples will really shed light on the issue in context of the writing of fiction (mine in particular).
>> No. 78788
File 132694453954.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )

Confound it. Had a reply typed out, and then it failed to process. Here we go again...

A few more points to make:

I dunno, even with that reasoning it seems a bit off. Even if it's diamond only, surely crushing a pebble with something that can mold diamonds would be child's play.
+ It's a 'show' that should reveal to Rarity that what she's working her magic on isn't a diamond. I'll just emphasize that. Keeping the pebble intact may be more convincing. Trying to hammer a nail with a screwdriver might be a better analogy.

Keeping the rock intact definitely would make it more apparant.

I'd fix it, if I were you. Trust me, it's doing more harm than help.
+ I'll take this advice, AND USE IT! Sorry, I just felt like putting it that way :p

You got a laugh from me, no need to be sorry. Nyuck nyuck.

As for deciding to stick with the old chaos, that's fine. I'm curious to see how relevant it'll be to the future chapters. Still, you should probably give Twilight a clear reason for being so oblivious then. Make it more apparant that she's too preoccupied to notice, instead of throwing the evidence in her face and having her just go 'nah, too busy to care'.
+ This'll be the toughest part since she's kinda too busy to notice. Though I'm contradicting this since she's taking mental notes. She'll figure it out in part two of chapter one though, using the book Spike found for her.

Have you considered having her just have a growing feeling that something's not right, instead of just noting the obvious evidence and setting it aside? When she's paying attention, everything seems fine, but when she's too busy with the event preparations to notice anything, that's when the weird stuff happens. Just a suggestion.

As for alicorns, I'll warn you now: You must tread very, very softly. Are all alicorns Mary Sues? No. Are most of them? Unfortunately, yes. To be honest, I can't see a situation where what you suggested will work... if the transformation is permanent, that's kinda lame. If it's temporary, it just feels like a gimmick. However, you're free to prove me wrong. Still, don't be afraid to fall back on a back up plan. If you think you have the talent to write an alicorn situation well, go for it. But if I may add my personal opinion... I doubt Discord would cause chaos by giving his victims more power; he'd do it by taking away their power, like in the episode.

As for your last request, I'm afraid it'd be far too time consuming to choose the 'worst' offenders, since they're not really rankable. Instead, I'll choose five at random and offer my suggestion on what they should have been:

1. „Pinkie Pie should be here soon. Make sure you’re ready by then. You won’t have a spare
minute with her around.”.
Type: Robotic, borderline fragments.
Correction: "Pinkie Pie should be here soon, so make sure you're ready by then. You're not going to have a moment to spare with her around, that's for sure!"

2. Before the unicorns stood the most
beautiful alicorn statue in all of equestria. „Isn’t... It... Beautiful?” A panting Rarity insisted.
Type: Odd word choice. You used beautiful twice in two sentences, and 'the most beautiful statue in all of equestria' seems a bit much. Also, no need to capitalize after an ellipsis (the three dot strings). Lastly, the last sentence could be rearranged.
Correction: Where once the massive gem had stood, a dazzling sculpture of an alicorn had taken its place. "It's it... just... beautiful?" Rarity insisted, trying to catch her breath.

3. „And that’s not all. Tonight, I’ll put in gemstones that represent the Elements of Harmony
in the shape and colour of our cutiemarks AND add gold-leaf horseshoes to finish it off.”.
Type: A bit run-on.
Correction: "And that's not all; tonight, I'll put in some gems to represent the Elements of Harmony, representing our cutie marks of course. And let's not forget the finishing touch, darling... horseshoes, made of the finest golden leaves!"

4. „Need any help? I’m pretty good with natural remedies now. I’ll take the book on
‘Supernatural Remedies’ with me.”.
Type: Robotic and stilted.
Correction: "Oh, would you like some help? I've been dabbling in natural remedies recently. I could just go get my 'Supernatural Remedies' guidebook and be back in no time at all." (See what I did there with dabbling?)

5. „Fluttershy, there’s no other way. I need you to go to Cloudsdale and get Rainbow Dash or
the Thunderbolts. Or any other fast pony who knows how to clear the sky.”.
Type: Second half is a fragment. It's Wonderbolts, not Thunderbolts. Middle part is kinda run-on. Correction: "There's no other way, Fluttershy. I need you to go fetch Rainbow Dash from Cloudsdale, or if she isn't there, the Wonderbolts. For the love of Celestia, just get somepony who can clear the sky quickly!"

Hope it helps.
>> No. 78789
File 132694481467.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )

"Isn't it" in sentence two, my apologies.

My kingdom for the ability to post one thing without a typo.
>> No. 78798
Hello, I'm Explosives, and I have a fic i'd like you to take a look over. I've already had an earlier version reviewed by Vanner, but I've added alot of new things, changed others, and added a whole new chapter. It's been sitting in the queue fr almost 4 days, so I figured i'd try to get a second opinion while I wait. Anyways, here it is.

Title: DJ BRO's Perfect Set
Tags: [Adventure]
Broken Record, alias DJ B.R.0, is an up-and-comer in the world of professional DJ's. However, on the day of what should have been his biggest success, his world begins to come crashing down when he learns that the music he plays and hears predicts the future to often disastrous results. On a quest to find out why, Broken, his manager Paper Leaf, and his friends travel all across the world to track down the source of his power and set things right, while the mysterious Producer watches on...

Thanks for taking a look!
>> No. 78799
I forgot the link!
It's here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i39GArRNu29omoJIJPzE7xGd9eSkM2PmYswaV0hWpvg/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 78801

This is me, just forgot to switch names.


Hittin' this up first thing tomorrow.
>> No. 78819
Hi there. My very first work on writing of anything, just so you d know what to expect.

Title: Void
Tags: [Grimdark][Crossover][Adventure]
Synopsis: Chain of unfortunate coincidences leads to (almost) average domestic filly being drawn into an adventure through the other worlds.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dWN8-hlbJuibrB_CTgIx38Ezme3d9qgKZW8GVyC6ACU/edit?pli=1

Only one short chapter so far.
OC's everywhere. Even Equestria is OC-ish, probably. For short info about what happens next, check spoiler below. Please dont do that before reading chapter.

Protagonist and her new friend(?) suddenly get teleported to another world. Meeting the being who started it all, they get to know they need to fullfill certain task in various worlds to earn what they want.
>> No. 78899
File 132700206871.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )

Comin' at you, mate.

Your grammar is above average, mostly. However, that's not so say it's without errors. To be specific:

-You have trouble deciding when to capitalize or not after a quote. Basically, if the quote actually ends (period), then the next part is capitalized. If it's continuing into the sentence (comma, sometimes exclamation/question mark), then the next part isn't capitalized, unless it's a name.

-You were emphasizing with caps a lot, which we went over and you fixed. However, I'll tell you this: Emphasizing a lot can be a pain to read. While using it isn't bad, you should consider changing some instances to regular speech.

-Excessive exclamation mark use. It's used correctly sometimes, but other times it could end with a period and sound better. Too many exclamation marks can be a bad thing.

-Occasional forgetting of punctuation at the end of a sentence.

-Several run-ons/fragments. Need some merging here, some cutting there.

-When the phone part arrives, your format gets wonky. Your sentences start flying everywhere, indent wise. Stick with just one indent for everything that isn't the phone ringing.

On the subject of phones, let's move onto the plot. I'll tell you this now: Since phones aren't canon, people will point it out. I'd suggest finding some way to ponify it/remove it completely, but that's ultimately your decision.

Also, the friend he was conversing with over the phone, how'd he know his friend had developed a power? If that's what you were going for, anyway. Plus, near the beginning, you mention that the main character has a specific fear of fire... why is that? Let people know.

Aside from some telly sentences, that pretty much wraps it up. Overall, the story's interesting. Grammar's pretty good, despite its errors here and there. Plot's fine, though phones feel out of place. Take a look at your grammar (specifically what I pointed out), consider a few plot/sentence changes, and keep up the good work.
>> No. 78976
File 132702701817.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )

Despite the warning, the grammar was actually pretty good for the most part. I'll get down to specifics...

Despite it being your first fic, you have a nice way with words. While you do still have run-ons here and there, for the most part, what you wrote was fine. However, you do have a couple errors that you do a lot:

-Randomly dropping small words. Most commonly, 'the'. I pointed this out up to a point, but eventually got tired of just pointing out the same mistake over and over. This made up at least 80% of your errors, so pay attention to this most of all.

-Some words spelled wrong/used wrong. I pointed most of these out, I think.

-As stated above, run-ons here and there.

That's really it, for grammar anyway. Color me impressed at your handling of words.

Now, plot. I'll admit, it's interesting, if a bit 'what the...' later on. To point out a couple things:

-You didn't really discuss the main character. Aside from knowing she was a blank flank and wearing a party outfit, I don't think you ever really said what she looked like. Plus, I didn't even know she was a unicorn until the very end.

-While it's not wrong, the ending to the chapter was... odd. One second she's fiddling with a mirror, the next, she's on an alien planet? I don't even... well, I assume you have a good reason for it.

-I don't quite understand why a fully grown adult is going to a kids party. Does she know the filly?

All in all, I'm impressed at your ability with word choice. The plot was interesting, if a bit odd later on. Just fix that big grammar error, take a shot at anything else pointed out, and you're good to go.

Also, if I may ask, what is this supposed to be a crossover for? I was getting a 'Carrie' vibe at first, but now... I got nothin'.
>> No. 78987
File 132703145751.png - (567.21KB , 2800x1750 , 58377 - artist mixermike622 celestia Discord season_2 spoiler spoilers spoiler_alert vector.png )
(Shrugs) Nothing to loose...
Title: A Heart of Stone
Tags: [Sad] [Dark] [Comedy] [Shipping] [Incomplete]
Synopsis: One summer morning, young Princess Celestia meets a curious creature known only as Discord. Their lives are forever intertwined and they live out the centuries in various states of friendship and animosity.

This is a longer story (I think it hit over 12k words last update), so you may want to do any shorter ones you have in the queue before this one. Thanks!
>> No. 78998
File 132703383108.jpg - (96.79KB , 600x600 , 1316982367.jpg )
First, thank you for wasting so much time on this pile of mistakes. That was way more fixes that I ever hoped to get. Second, Im ashamed for missing that much. But I promise to improve. Since english isn't my native, one of reasons I started this was to improve it considerably. Third, thank you again.

About description of protagonist, she was using magic earlier on, with the mirror. And anyway, most descriptions and explainings will be in the second chapter.

And well, yeah, I purposedly tried to make mirror scene to end as sudden and abrupt as possible. I dont really sure I have a "good" reason for it though. I just believed it would be better that way.

Afaik, even on canon cute-ceañera there were adults and middleaged guests. Even if its not the case, well, they have really boring town, so even kid's party is a fine excuse to invite entire town for some fun. I'll clear it out in the 2nd chapter.

And about a "crossover" part. Well,thats tricky. It gonna be a crossover not with events or characters, but only with settings/universes. At the moment she's in the human world, one just usual like our Earth, but at the end of 2nd chapter she already getting teleported to yet another world, and after this, she and some other main characters will be traveling from one world to another constantly, fullfilling certain task in each and getting closer to main story goal. And the thing is, (okay that will sound bad), for these worlds I gonna use the ones that already exist. Literally from everywhere: from others fics, from books,movies,cartoons,games, etc. Every universe I think it would be interesting to write about with my characters. Also Im not going to interfere with a canon everywhere, I just gonna use setting, and set events in another time/place than canon. Also I know such idea is doomed to failure, but Im going to do that anyway. Also I was said it resemble dr.who but its comletely unrelated. Also I was inspired by Fallout: Equestria.

And now I have a few more things to ask.

First, Im not sure I got it right what is "run-on" and how to fix it. Example would be really great.

Second, did I missed anything else except "the"s and whatever you commented on?

And third, there is few more questions as answers to your comments at gdoc. Maybe you look at them?
>> No. 79001
Oh, and I was awake (morning here), just wasn't looking at gdoc bcz I was busy with writing a reply here. Thanks again for answers.
>> No. 79007
File 132703537774.jpg - (48.08KB , 501x525 , 110319-awesome[1].jpg )

Fair enough descriptions for all I pointed out. Sounds fair enough to me (Though if I may add, it couldn't hurt to add a bigger hint that the character's a unicorn. Maybe have her pull her outfit over her horn).

As for your crossover, write whatever you please. Your enjoyment as a writer comes first, though if you're planning on making it public then keeping your audience in mind is also a must.

I went and replied to your questions, but your doc ended up breaking when I tried to go back again. If there's any last questions, I'll come back and check tomorrow.

Have a nice night, mate.

Current queue:
-A Heart of Stone

I joined in that little fic contest, so I might be a bit busy this weekend. I'll still be reviewing when I have time, but take that into consideration when you send something in. Good night, everypony!
>> No. 79031
File 132703975578.png - (63.99KB , 222x197 , 1325731274885.png )
Hey Mr. McClure, I'd like it very much if you could read this story I've been working on over the past couple weeks.

Title: Migraines
Tags: Comedy / Random / Adventure / Slice of Life / HiE
Synopsis: Our unfortunate protagonist is abandoned in an Equestrian hospital after a physics experiment goes horribly wrong. Soaked with the caustic inter-dimensional substance, he must deal with a brain that has been popped open like Swiss cheese as well as a clunky new pony body with new abilities. His brain cancer causes frequent migraines with unimaginable pain. Each migraine also open up the doorway between universes and brings more visitors like him. Not knowing friend from foe, he must find some way back home soon. Otherwise, he'll continue giving 'birth' to a variety of mysterious creatures-- assuming he can even survive that many of these attacks. Through his journey, he finds himself trailed by a cowpony in black that spins wild tales about an evil Princess Celestia and her six evil assistants. Although he appreciates the help, he doesn't quite agree, since they seem rather... nice.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7216/Migraines
>> No. 79035
File 132704069830.png - (470.94KB , 1280x720 , 130718270779.png )
I should note:
1. HiE
2. 85k words
3. Incomplete
4. First time fanfiction attempt(*)
(*)Not counting a previous, unrelated story, which... let's just forget about and not mention again (mother-son incest clopfic)
5. Two chapters with nine or ten subsections
6. Lots of OCs

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Surely, I would never waste my thing with something like this. It dots every i and dashes every t of what's wrong with this fandom." But you're not quite right.

I'm trying to go against every last cliche commonly used. The protagonist is not waking up in a field. He's not powerful, handsome, super-magical, and so on. He's not a brony. He's very, very unhappy with Equestria and wishes to be home ASAP. He doesn't get along with the mane six (they're sort of 'soft antagonists'). He will not get laid. He has to deal with a particularly horrible medical problem. I'm also really trying to get everything OC and everything established to blend seamlessly.

Think of this story as a protest, by me, against all of the cliches that I've read.

What I'm most looking for in a review most of all is ideas. Ideas. Ideas. Ideas. If you can point out errors in grammar or other technical tings that I often mess up... great. But I just need to know if the characters seem believable, if the storylines make sense, if the hook works, and so on.

Thank you!
>> No. 79037
File 132704090895.png - (31.30KB , 945x945 , Rarity_shrugs (My Little Pony).png )
P.S. I know that 'Migraines' is an awful title. But I can't think of anything better.

'Poisoned Raspberries'? Ugh, that sounds even worse. 'Pained in the Brain'? ... I got nothing?
>> No. 79050
I think Migraines is a fascinating name. It's powerful and cryptic at the same time. The only problem is that it's not a horse pun =P
>> No. 79052
File 132704410673.gif - (373.46KB , 400x295 , Scanners-Pinkieexplosion.gif )
There ya' go.
>> No. 79054
I have a rule of submitting something to at least two reviewers, but my other regular is taking time off... so let's give you a try!

Title: And So, Having Been Lost, I Found Myself There
Tags: [m/m shipping], [slice of life], and maybe [sad], but we'll see how that goes.
Synopsis: The road of life is long, and winding. It's hard to follow, but you can stay on it the whole way through. Sometimes you don't want to, though. Sometimes you shouldn't. Sometimes you need to make the wrong decision. Sometimes you need to run off the path, and get lost in the woods so you can find yourself.


Fair warning that Vanner is reviewing this as well. Not that it will change anything, I simply didn't want you to get offended if you should happen to crack it open and see comments already in there.

>> No. 79062
Title : Vengeance
Tages : [Dark]
Synopsis : The first of the proud Pegasus race, Nimbus stood by Luna's side for countless millenia. As a trusted adviser, and a friend.
One fateful night, however, everything changed. Alone and lost, he lived on for only one thing... And now, one thousand years later, he just might get it.
Inspired by the song 'Luna' by Eurobeat Brony.

Links : Chapter 3 - 6k words(Said chapter in question)

Chapter 1 - 2 are here for WTF is going on(Not for review specifically, but hey, your call).

Hopefully you can find any last problems before I throw the chapter up, thanks.
>> No. 79063
File 132704681509.png - (19.27KB , 122x112 , 130720056292.png )


>> No. 79170

Its me again. Prewarnings and stuff go here.
So I just finished my Third revision of Chapter 1.1 and the first Revision of Chapter 1.2. Come to tell you, you've been great help with your grammar tips and I think I am beggining to get the twist of things.

On a similar note, Chapter 1.1 is in a form where I think you can review it properly, without gringing at any grammatical mistakes. Chapter 1.2 on the other hand I have only now put up for review, but I do not think that you will mind it that much since I
rewrote it so much.

Anyways here is the second Chapter.

[Title] Beneath the fields of heaven Chapter 1.2
[Tags] Adventure, Human in Equestria, Mythology
Chapter 1 For your own Enjoyment: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HnjLC3R6tYWMBaoxMtMAlUXFX10FfGT5aNasnmW68Kg/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 2 Review this one:https://docs.google.com/document/d/13__JJxbfiIv3DC6Xa1WEzQVhFVamG553mWVENvfgGX8/edit?hl=en_US
>> No. 79181
I'd like to randomly thank you for making m/m shipping...
>> No. 79183

You are quite welcome!


have you read 'My Time Among Clothes Hangers'? shill shill shill
>> No. 79200
File 132712167332.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )
Been spending time planning out a story for that little event (and by that, I mean spending 30 minutes coming up with a probably-terrible plot and then spending the day playing TF2). Now that that's outta the way...

Current queue:
-A Heart of Stone
-And So, Having Been Lost, I Found Myself There
-Beneath the Fields of Heaven (NO HOLDS BARRED REMATCH)

I'll take a crack at a couple of these tomorrow, work on my story, and then do another review or two if I have the time. Might take some time, since most of these are decently long. As it currently stands, I'll be working from shortest-> longest (possibly giving BtfoH an exception for having already looked at it before). Stay tuned! And someone refill my popcorn, I'm going to need it...
>> No. 79208
Hey, so I'm well aware that my two chapter story is novel length. I've intended it that way, to be just like Past Sins in the sense of being novel-y publish-y level material. In my mind, I think of the story as- maybe- 60% done.

If you just wanted to only, say, look at scenes one through four or something and then stop there-- letting me know then, so that I could revise those parts and then come back later to discuss the rest. That would be just fine :-)
>> No. 79217
File 132712601926.jpg - (10.77KB , 284x178 , Applejack_shut_up_and_take_my_apples (My Little Pony).jpg )
Take my five stars, take them!
>> No. 79294
File 132718696910.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )
Took me a bit (since me and the author ended up goofing around more than we actually worked. Pretty fun guy), but I got it done. To be honest, most grammatical errors were already covered in the last review, so I'll just point out the worst offenders:

-You capitalize your title wrong. Certain small words stay lowercase, but everything else is capitalized. It should be: 'Beneath the Fields of Heaven'.

-You have a habit of making 'maybe', 'may be'.

-Thoughts don't need quotes around them, just italicize them.

-I think your indents could stand to be bigger. Instead of just using a space, press tab instead.

-Odd word choice, sometimes.

-Commas missing sometimes.

-Odd sentence structure sometimes.

As for plot, plot was pretty much solid. You even managed to slip an Equestria in there, to subvert the whole 'Griffons of Greece' problem. However, one thing bothers me... one man, armed with nothing but a gun, manages to slaughter a bunch of highly trained army griffons? Even with perfect aim, surely one of them could have sniped him with an arrow, or flown to him before he could take it down. It all seems unreal to me.

All in all, your grammar's taken a massive step up (and this goes for chapter one too; yes, I skimmed it). However, it still needs quite a bit of work. I pointed out as much as I could, but I had to cut it short due to running low on time. Plotwise, maybe reconsider how the battle with the griffons scene plays out. Unless I'm missing something, of course.

Going to work on my own story for a bit. Going to try and slip at least one more review in today.
>> No. 79307
File 132718935976.gif - (760.23KB , 259x214 , 130854354616.gif )
>Past Sins
>> No. 79313
File 132719116525.gif - (487.30KB , 250x141 , NAWWWWWWW.gif )
Good god... Past Sins being publishable...

Then again... Twilight got through.
>> No. 79314

eh... maybe they simply meant in terms of length? Though by that standards a lot of stuff is publishable, and god knows half of it would get laughed away.
>> No. 79362
I was referring to length and detail, not quality. Sheesh.
>> No. 79407
Hello Mr. Trots McClure! I'm looking for a bit of help on my first fic here. I sent it in to EqD and they came back to me with few errors that i have mostly fixed but I feel I should be paying a visit to ponychan anyway. First time here so I hope I'm doing this right...

Title: My Dearest Students
Tags: [sad] [normal]
Synopsis: Immortality can at times be a double edged sword. Celestia recalls past memories of the students she had cared for dearly from the times since she banished Nightmare Moon to the present

Might try to submit again if my story is decent enough... Thank you for your time!
>> No. 79412
Title: Love's Company
Tags: [Grimdark] [Sad] [Crossover]
Synopsis: Trapped in a room with no memory of her past or her injuries, Twilight is taken care of by a kind, animal-loving Fluttershy.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t40DuANSk61rldYEZ8a-qK1NN7LB4mIPLVCZGBTYL0I/edit?hl=en_GB

Hi Trots! If it isn't any trouble, could you please take note of my characterisation? I'm worried if I got it completely off. I'm not urgent, so take your time, and happy reviewing.
>> No. 79526
File 132728451125.png - (133.96KB , 828x535 , And then I srs'd the buck up.png )
My apologies, everypony. Spent the day working on my story for that event, and I'm glad to say I got it completed and sent in. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to review anything, either. As such, the current queue:

Current queue:
-A Heart of Stone
-And So, Having Been Lost, I Found Myself There
-My Dearest Students
-Love's Company

Will get right back to reviewing the first chance I get tomorrow. See y'all then!
>> No. 79577
Hello, here for a critique
Title: Of Peace and War
Tags: [shipping] [love and loss]
Sysopsis: The President of the United States of Equestria has successfuly unified his nation with Equestria (the one with Canterlot, not the US) thus sparking an age of Peace. The President, a pegesus named Ryan, soon falls in love with Rainbow Dash. They get married and have a foal. But peace soon ends as the Zebra Nation launches an unprovoked attack against the US and Ryan has to defend his country
Just so you know, I have only completed 3 chapters so far and I will continue to add more.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WfwhJoQacIXAvdWS-Rmg0Wv096YtL_Ah1LFxq5X23x0/edit
>> No. 79592
File 132729822194.jpg - (27.70KB , 327x299 , (My Little Pony) (78).jpg )
Please tell me this is a reference to Tom Clancy's 'President Jack Ryan'.
>> No. 79644
>>79592 NOPE! Chuck Testa

I am kind of narcasist when it comes to writing my literature and will often put myself as the main character.
>> No. 79695
File 132735072642.png - (133.94KB , 827x534 , This pleases McClure.png )

Sorry for the wait, my friend. Also, if EqD told you there was something wrong with your story, it's probably in both of our best interests if you say what they pointed out. It allows me to focus on the specific issue. That aside, here we go:


-Some of your sentences sound pretty off. Some are run-ons, some are worded oddly, etc.

-Occasional wrong word choice. For example, you say 'Are your alright?' when your should be you. Another example, you say 'Luna though' when it should be 'Luna thought'.

-Your thoughts need to be italicized.

-Occasional misspelling.

-You sometimes use commas where a semicolon should be used.

-Names said in dialogue are usually set apart with a comma. Compare 'How are you Tia' to 'How are you, Tia'.

-You miss much needed page breaks. A lot.

-You need to spell out numbers. While you usually do, you miss it a couple times.

-Princess is capitalized, provided Celestia is after it.


-I can't help but feel I've seen a comic just like this. Would this, by chance, be based off that? Just curious.

-You have Celestia speaking in the royal way in the flashbacks, at least at forst. That was a very nice touch.

-It feels off that Celestia so quickly trusts Starlight. Really, just because she asks how she's feeling, Celestia decides she cares so much about her? Surely somepony else had asked the same thing out of courtesy. (Upon further research, it appears you're basing her previous students off ponies from previous gens, or something like that. While that's an interesting idea, those ponies are NOT the same as the ones we see on TV today. They have their own personalities, their own lives; there's no reason for them to be different-colored clones of their counterparts)

-I feel that Starlight's teaching scene could do with some trimming. Also, she's reeeeeally starting to sound like a Twilight Sparkle from the past.

-You show no sign that horn rot and raising the sun were related. On the note of sun raising, the fact that a single unicorn did it is utter horseapples. It'd take the magic of either many unicorns or Celestia herself to perform such a feat.

-Firefly controls lightning? Oooooh, I like.

-Dr. Whooves was Celestia's student? Pffffftahahaha, can't wait to see how this turns out.

-As it turns out, it went well. I liked that chapter, and how you didn't just straight-out kill him.

-On the note of killing off characters, would it be so hard to give somepony a happy ending? I know your story's supposed to be sad, but maybe have a student slowly come to abandon Celestia after a squabble or something? It'd be sad, and you don't have to kill again. Really, it feels predictable, and I'll be dissapointed if everypony just dies.


Something bothers me with your grammar. Don't get me wrong, you have above-average grammar and most of the story was pretty readable. However, it seems like some scenes you paid extreme attention to, and they came out beautifully. On the other hoof, some scenes you didn't seem to care much about, and they're riddled with all kinds of errors. You should pay equal attention to all parts. Take a look at my points on grammar to see the things I noticed.

Plotwise, I really like it. I can't say it made me very sad, but it was an interesting, endearing tale nonetheless. I'd like to see more... provided it's not just another main character clone/ends with yet another untimely death.

Overall, I'd say it's around 4-4.5 stars. If you attacked your grammar and made a chapter that breaks from clones/death, it could easily go up to 4.5-5.
>> No. 79724
Thank you so much! I need all the help i could get since this is my first try at fanfiction.

Sorry about all those little errors. I should really pick at each sentence more closely. I'm well aware of things like commas before names and such so its a bad mistake on my part.

I'll be sure to do another read through for grammar , spelling, etc.

You are right about the comic. Which is where I originally got the idea. I credit the idea in my summary at Fimfic. I'm pretty sure its this one: http://misteraibo.deviantart.com/art/Curse-of-Longevity-228243107

As for the horn rot, i just had a mindset that an extreme exertion of magic would cause it. And I had originally said that its usually impossible for a unicorn to do it but the EqD pre-reader said i was breaking canon and that it was completely possible based off of hearth's warming eve. So i rolled with it.

On to the passing of the ponies. I fully understand how killing each one wont be that creative and whatnot. I assure you not every one will end in a forced kill off or anything of the sort.

As for the characters... yeah sorry about their likeness to some of the mane 6. It was an idea i thought of implementing and figured out it wasn't that good an idea a bit too late. To be honest, the next character coming up is going to be a wee bit like pinkie... since its Surprise and all. But I swear no more after that. Full on OC's and stuff

At least i kinda got a good idea on how to write Twilight and Dash for future reference lol

Back to the note on grammar. Just wanna know if its a recurring problem throughout the whole thing or a few instances. I'm a bit paranoid over stuff like that...

Coming into this fic i didn't realize how difficult it was going to be to come up with 9 individual and unique stories. But I'm pretty much committed and already got a few good layouts for later characters.

Again, I'm sorry for all of my weird sentences and grammar. Reviews like this really help me out a lot.

I didn't find it overall that sad either but that's the closest tag that fits my story overall.

Thank you again for your time Mr. Trots McClure! Hopefully i can catch and fix most of this stuff up as soon as possible.
>> No. 79728
File 132736496125.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

Ah, yes, that was the comic I was thinking of! Score one for the boys back home.

As for your grammar, some errors are consistant, and yet others are rather unique. All I can suggest is that you pay careful attention and sweep every chapter you've done so far, since I spotted errors in every one.

As for unicorns raising the sun, yes, it's possible. However, I personally don't think a single unicorn has the magical strength for such a task. Several? Maybe. Many? Definitely. If the EqD prereader rejected it because your headcannon didn't match his... that's a bit odd. Are you sure there isn't more to it?

You don't gotta make full out OCs, but you should give the ponies you use their own personalities. From the little talk I've seen of Surprise, she's a lot like Pinkie, but more of a jokester and a playful spirit than a random-acting pony. Not to say that Pinkie is nothing but random; Surprise is more controlled hilarity, while Pinkie is more uncontrolled antics. I dunno, I would recommend checking out Surprise's ask tumblr blog for an example of what I mean.

As long as you don't end up with a massive line of bodies, that's good enough for me. Killing one every, I dunno, 3 or 4 chapters is fine, but twice in two chapters is a bit much. Like I said, maybe consider having Celestia and her student have a falling out, or (kind of like you did with Whooves), have them go missing.

Glad I could help.


Reviewing this next.
>> No. 79730

"Canon violation. Hearth's Warming noted that before the advent of Celestia and Luna, Unicorns controlled the day and the night. Therefore, Celestia wouldn't indicate to Starlight that a unicorn would be unsuitable" Direct quote from EqD pre-reader. Thats all he said on the matter.

I visit ask surprise tumbler very often. Pretty hilarious. I'll try to stick somewhat close to that.

Also, I noticed most of the plot problems you had were with chapter 1. Does that mean my other chapters are set aside from grammar?

Sorry if im spamming your thread with replies and questions... Just wanna say thanks again.
>> No. 79731

I don't mind discussion, so long as it's constructive.

I see what the EqD person is saying; if you MUST have Starlight move the sun, have Celestia say she shouldn't have tried to do it all by herself. And make sure you reveal that horn rot is connected, as well. I still don't think she needs to touch the sun, but that's up to to you.

Your first chapter was the worst for plot problems, and the other two were (for the most part) fine. If I might add, Firefly's introduction race could also use some trimming. It's like, what, six paragraphs of flying stunts? I admit, I skimmed. Three at the most would do just fine.
>> No. 79735
Hmm, I see. I'll review these plot problems in chapter one and see what I could do. As well as all that other stuff.

I think that's about all I have for now. Thanks again for the review and replies.
>> No. 79736
After a long wait, I finally finished revising the first chapter for The Fall of Discord!


I tried following what you and Vanner suggested to a T, so I sure hope it's better. Tried minimizing those run-on sentences and fixed all those quoting issues (at least I'm not aware of any escaping me, and I just re-read it).
I'd also like to ask you if you could comment a bit more on the general flow. Looking forward to a response!
>> No. 79773
File 132737800530.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )

*Jaw drops*

...Good sir, that was excellent. Sure, it wasn't completely flawless, but you've improved it magnificently. I am, quite honestly, impressed.

Any errors I noticed have been pointed out in the document. I read it eagerly from start to finish, and enjoyed it immensely. You've fixed almost all your grammar errors, your plots improved, and you've even added so much more lovely, lovely detail. I'm enthralled.

I'd love to see more chapters, provided you keep up the great work. Just take a peek at the comments I added and you'll take it from greatness to excellence.


I know I said I'd hit this next, but I'm sorry to say I didn't have the time. I hit the other one instead, seeing as I'd already seen it before and it probably didn't need that many errors pointed out. I'll handle this story first thing tomorrow. I've already checked out the first chapter, though.

Current Queue:

-A Heart of Stone
-And So, Having Been Lost, I Found Myself There
-Love's Company
-Of Peace and War

Hope I haven't missed anypony. If I have, by all means, point it out.
>> No. 79816
Great! I'll fix those after getting Vanner's input (just so I can make every necessary change at once). It'll probably take some time, since his queue is still a bit long.

I'd like to note a few things, though.

>A whole stream of flashbacks happen in just one sentence?

I think I'll just revise that paragraph, instead. I'm not sure if extending it would be a good idea. Making it too long could probably detract from the main action, there. It's just a prologue, so I want too keep it short. But, on the other hand, adding two or three more lines probably won't do any damage... I'll see what I can do.

>You don't need two pagebreaks,

That was a formatting error on GoogleDocs' part, actually. I wrote everything on Word and then uploaded it. The original only has one page break. Eh, kinda annoying that GDocs messes with formatting. Guess I'll have to keep an eye out for that.


Well, it's explained later on. I guess I'll just rewrite that instead of telling what will happen, though. It does feel a bit weird there.

>It seems out that Discord wouldn't notice a little house on the mountain.

Aye, I'll have to rewrite that. Their house is supposed to be on the edge of Canterlot and Discord is supposed to be very focused on playing with some pegasi, but I guess it isn't all too clear.
Just one question, here: is Discord focusing on a single city for a couple years too weird? I know he likes to follow his "targets" for a while (at least from what I saw the RoH eps), but I'm not sure if I'm overdoing it. And let's just say that the Granny Smith episode kind of messed up my planning, here :P Ponyville being founded such a short time before the pilot? Caught me completely off-guard. And I'm trying to avoid breaking the canon way too much.

>Was [Starswirl] even born yet?

Hm, from what I remember, we weren't given any specific time-frame for his existence. We were only told he's from the pre-classical era. And since Luna recognized Twilight's disguise, it was obviously before her banishment. I am kind of doubtful on which period is the "Classical" one, though. Is it the one between Discord's defeat and Luna's banishment? Or the one after Celestia took full control? If it is the former, then I don't think I have to change anything. If not... oh boy, it's going to be bad. I intend to put Starswirl in this, and his role will have some impact in the overall plot. Of course, I could always put a "random magician pony", but I'd rather keep the number of OC ponies to a minimum. Besides, an OC pony won't have half the impact I want it to.

>Swap these; usually, the question mark comes before the period.

I found this to be kinda stupid on my part, actually. Seeing "?!" just looks so ugly that my instincts tell me to go with "!?".

>Feels a bit odd. ("Good, we must hide.")

Yeah, that bit of dialogue sounded awkward to me, too. I was having some difficulties putting something in there, and even then I was not too sure.

>Odd word choice. (buoyed)

I was trying to avoid using "floated" too many times, but yeah, it does sound a bit weird.

I also thought paragraphs only had to be separated when there's dialogue in the middle (even though I missed some of those, but I guess it just happens. Much to my dismay). It strikes me as a bit odd, however. In every book I've ever read (okay, I've never read all that much, but it still counts!), paragraphs usually had no extra line between them. Is there any formatting convention I'm unaware of?
>> No. 79823
>>Was [Starswirl] even born yet?

I just did a bit of search. Not only was Star Swirl already born, he was even there for the foundation of Equestria! According to the MLP wikia, he was Clover the Clever's mentor. Now, I'm just not too sure about how long it was between the foundation of Equestria and the appearance of Discord, but I suppose it wasn't too long.

It seems I get to keep him in my fic! Yay~
>> No. 79846
File 132743408413.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )

Ah, yes, I was thinking over the Starswirl issue myself today. Since he came before the Princesses' rise to power, surely he must have been alive by then. It also means that since Luna personally knew him, the alicorns should have at least reached adult form (and most likely become rulers) both before meeting him and before he passed away.

As for Discord stalking a city for a couple years? I dunno, depends on what he did. I think he might take over a city and try and spread chaos from there, but he'd probably get bored eventually and make a new city his home base. So long as Discord takes over the city and doesn't destroy it (at least at first), I could see him residing there for awhile.

The whole '?!' '!?' is probably a matter of personal preference. I, myself, find !? to be ugly, instead of the other way around. Do as you wish, though.

Fics can be written several ways, but you can't mix them. If you story has paragraphs separated, you shouldn't stop separating them at random intervals. Books are usually scrunched up so as to conserve paper and not extend the story far past it's normal length. Fics, however, allow you to opt for a much neater style. You could write it like you'd read it from a book, but on the computer screen, it's a bit rough to read compared to just spacing everything out.
>> No. 79853
I thought you might help an old weary travel with a little light hearted mystery. Please take your time with it.
Description: Pinkie Pie, now a detective has been approached by a young Pip about a body he's found near the red brick bridge. Of course, this mystery is far from what it seems.

Tags: [Mystery] [Comedy]
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1aVu3ypDiXXGw86bG12x7vlRYc4hEht13JNS mcS2hNYI
>> No. 79860
Alright, if this doesn't work, then I'm sorry about filling up your thread.
>> No. 79865
>On Discord

I see. I guess Discord won't sound OOC (at least on that detail), after all. Phew.

>!? ?!

Well, searched a bit, found nothing. Guess there really aren't rules carved on rock for that. However, I'll change it to ?!. From the few fics I've read, that seems to be the norm. Readers are going to be more used to it and !? might look weird to them.
>> No. 79881
File 132744409301.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )

Reviewin' as I go along.


-Quite a few telly sentences. Scratch that, MANY telly sentences. On a similar note, some of the dialogue's a bit dull.

-Some odd formatting choices from time to time.

-You sometimes put info in parentheses that could easily be put in the sentence itself, or extended into its own sentence.

-Could use some commas here and there.

-Thoughts go in italics, not within quotation marks.


-Discord's intro is weak. Celestia's eating breakfast and hears a thump outside as he lands in their garden? Could be made a bit more interesting.

-I find it odd that Celestia just tears a path straight through her parent's hedge maze. Wouldn't they be a bit upset that their daughter trashed their garden's centerpiece?

-It feels like many of these chapters could be merged together into one chapter, instead of several shorter ones. Of course, it's kinda late to fix that, but keep it in mind for future chapters.

-Where's Discord staying when he's not with Celestia?

-A massive dragon's attack is stopped by a block of wood? I don't even... also, Discord coming to the rescue was oh so predictable. Plus, right after that, Celestia is free to be led away while Discord talks with his father? Ehhhh. Why did he even have to attack her in the first place? Though I admit, the action was pretty fun to read.

-Massive time skip without a page break? Noooooo. Heck, you could use a lot more page breaks in a lot of places.

-*Whistles*. I thought a sixth month time skip without a page break was bad, but a one hundred year one? Oi vey.

-Aggggggh. Oh no, Discord, your mother didn't run away, she got ate. I think I woulda preferred it if she had ran away. Surely there's a better way to go around that.

-Extremely powerful dragon, defeated by gagging on his own smoke? Surely they have a way to turn that off when they're awake, don't you think?

I read through chapters 1-7. After that, I couldn't take it anymore. Your grammar's pretty good, I'll admit, but you have so many telly sentences that I was nearly bored to tears. The plot bounces back and forth far too crazily, and... agh, I just don't know what to say. You have a story with decent potential, but I think it's far too late to fix it. All I can suggest is go back to previous chapters and make everything much less telly. Extend some lines, add some page breaks, use more interesting words, etc. etc. For a rating, I give this a two. If things weren't so darned telly, I would easily raise that to a four at the most.
>> No. 79918
File 132746458762.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
Current Queue:

-And So, Having Been Lost, I Found Myself There (Started, will finish tomorrow)
-Love's Company
-Of Peace and War
-Pinkie P.I.E.: Private Investigator Extraordinare (Have you considered Pinkie P.I.E., Private I? Rhymes are cool, fool. Har.)

Hopefully I'll be able to pick up my pace with the queue.
>> No. 79957
Hey, since Migranes is damned long, did you just want to cover, say, the first three sections only and then get back to me then? I hate to make you feel like you're doing homework or something.

I know that there's two central weakness-- it's very 'telly' and not so 'showy' as well as long. I intended it to be light novel length [when completed] from the very beginning, but I know that my natural writing tendency is to over explain and over do things to death.

I know you'll pick this up, but if you could be really specific as to what things I could change-- that would be awesome (e.g. don't include X, instead of Y, have A do B).
>> No. 79995
I typically read as far as the story is interesting, if there's nothing specified. But sure, I can peek at the first few at least.
>> No. 80008
I didn't feel like "I" was formal enough. I wanted everypony to know it was in fact a Detective/ Mystery story. It can be change, but I was looking for your opinion first, before edits could be made. An extra pair of eyes helps me see the flaws and potential power my story has, assuming my story maintains your interest, which it should. It is 1/2 comedy as well.
>> No. 80051

You do have my interest, it'll just be a bit before I can get to your story. Queue build up due to being busy for a day or two, all that jazz.

What about Private Eye instead? I dunno, I like rhymes too much. The original title's fine.
>> No. 80089
File 132753616119.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Aaaaaaah I'm going too slow with reviews. Gotta pick up the paaaaaace. Let's get 'er done.

Your grammar is, for the most part, great.I pointed out a few things I noticed specifically, but here's a few things you did a lot:

-If you put an action sentence in between two parts of a quote, the second part of the quote gets capitalized. Also, sometimes you continue on with a quote when you could end the sentence after the action and pick up from there.

-Run-ons and fragments here and there.

-The only main problem I have with your grammar is that everything is so telly. It definitely doesn't help when 70% of your sentences start with 'I' or 'The', usually in succession. Go back and liven it up a bit.

-You constantly use indecisive tones. For instance, 'Main character thought he was at a building' or 'thought he saw snow' or 'thought he landed in a plaza'. He didn't think he did all that, he did do all that, and you should write it as such.

Plotwise, I'll admit, I was pretty bored up until the second character showed up. Once he arrived, the story picked up a bit. Until then, it's just some guy flying around town and blah blah blah thoughts thoughts whyshouldIcareIdon'tcareaboutthisguyyet. Save the deep thoughts for when people actually like the character, or at least trim them so that they don't bore people to tears. But, like I said, everything after Neon's arrival is more interesting.

As a final note, and a personal opinion... your title could do with a change. Either A. Change it completely, or B. Remove 'And so,' from it. As it is, it's long, boring, and defnitely not grabbing my attention.

All in all, I'd like this if it weren't so telly and dull. But you did regain my interest near the end, so I'm not going to call it completely bad at being interesting. Just take a swing at it with the variety bat.
>> No. 80091
Take your time. I'm not concerned about the title so much as Content. I will wait patiently. It's the least I can do, as a respectful person.
>> No. 80107
Title: The Actions Which Define Us
Tags: Shipping, Light-Adventure, HiE/Pony on Earth
Synopsis: When a reckless pony and human delve into the forces of their worlds, they must act quickly with the help of the Mane 6 to save both.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7652/The-Actions-Which-Define-Us

Can you review chapters 1-4? Thank you!
>> No. 80113

Hm... I knew full and well that that style of writing could get irritating if it went on for too long... didn't think it would be enough to turn people off within the first chapter, though.

The big issues you pointed out - the repetition, the tellyness, as well as pointing out a few times in the doc that he says he thinks he was there rather than just stating that he was there - were all very deliberate choices. The first chapter is intended to have a very vague feeling, a sort of dreamlike quality. It was supposed to communicate that the narrator here was less choosing to do things and more just drifting through the process of doing them without thinking, and hopefully it was that strange quality and the wondering just what was going on that would draw people in to it. In the next chapter it will start to become much more solid as he spends more time with Neon, though it will slip back into a more vague state a few times when he finds himself on his own. The tone of the story is supposed to feel very contemplative, so the navel-gazing element is important to it. I certainly respect your opinion on it, but I hope you won't be too offended if I choose to leave it mostly as it is.

As for the issues of the occasional sentence fragment or run-on sentence, this is first person narrative after all. I obviously don't know in this regard, but I'd think that the narration should have the characters tone of voice, and that means occasionally breaking away from grammar. If that's still unacceptable I'll fix them, I had simply thought that a few breaks could be forgiven in the name of voice.

The action sentence thing is something that I'm not sure about. I'd been told that the next part should only be capitalized if it would have been anyways. In other words, if the sentence would have been: "So. What bring you to fair Canterlot?", then an action between "So" and "When" would be capitalized. but the sentence was instead written as "So, what brings you to fair canterlot?", and so would not.

>Change the title
Eeeh... You're not the first one to comment on this. I get where you're coming from, but I personally like long, wordy titles. That and it fit with the more contemplative tone. Still, if people don't like it...

Well, thank you for the review. I definitely appreciate it, and I'll at least give your points some though.
>> No. 80144

When I said a quote with action in it... here, lemme give ya an example.

Bad: "Hello there," Celestia said with a smile, "how are you?"
Good: "Hello there," Celestia said with a smile,"How are you?"
Best: "Hello there," Celestia said with a smile. "How are you?"

As for the title, do as you wish. But if several people point it out, odds are they're not just doing it for laughs.

Fragments and run-ons.. there's a difference between a really short/long sentence and a sentence that needs an extension/needs a shortening. You just gotta learn to recognize that difference.

Glad to be of service. Now then, current queue:

-Love's Company
-Of Peace and War
-Pinkie P.I.E.: Private Investigator Extraordinare
-The Actions Which Define Us.

I read the first two parts of Vengeance to get some background, and so far, I'm impressed. Grammar is pretty good (with an error here and there), and the plot is pretty much solid. Guess we'll see about chapter three tomorrow.
>> No. 80155

Pretty much every source I can find disagrees with you on the point of the dialogue tags. The example you posted, yes, I would definitely capatalize the second half. But in the example you posted it would have been a different sentence anyways. I'm talking about when the different halves of the dialogue are in the same sentence. Something like,

"Well if you're going to be like that about it," Neon said, taking the plate away, "you don't get any pancakes."

Because without the action in the middle would be:

"Well if you're going to be like that about it, you don't get any pancakes."

And about the sentence thing, I'm not sure what you're getting at. Presumably you're saying that I have run-ons when I'm aiming for just a long sentence?
>> No. 80156

You don't have many run-ons, but there are some every once in awhile. My example wasn't the best, but the point still stands. Still, feel free to prove me wrong. Agh, I should be asleep...
>> No. 80281
Taking the day off. Staying up so late every night for weeks is getting to me; been trying to look at Vengeance, but I feel like I'm spitting out the wrong advice. Will finish it off tomorrow.
>> No. 80428

I'm going to get the overall out of the way first. I'll be up front, the first two chapters of this were great. This third one... something is very, very off. Maybe your tone changed, maybe your structure changed, I don't know. Personally, I think it's because you were abusing all kinds of errors, ones that I'll point out now in the grammar section:


-Abusing ?! and !. Some paragraphs, you use these four times in a row. Far too much.

-After a quote, if it doesn't end with a name (and the quote didn't end with a period), the following sentence isn't capitalized. On that note, you sometimes end quotes with a period, and then you make the next sentence use a speaking verb. If you use a speaking verb, you end the quote with a comma.

-Putting apostrophes in words that don't need them.

-Capitalizing words that don't need them.

-Don't capitalize something all the way for emphasis (unless it's a sound effect, and in some cases, it can be used in thoughts). Instead, lowercase them and bold for the emphesis you need.

-This here is my biggest complaint: You're abusing fragments. HARD. Sure, they can be used for dramatic effect if used correctly, but you usually put like five or so in a row. Plus, these fragments usually don't even make sense. Either merge them with the previous/following sentence, or add words to keep it from being a fragment. I couldn't point these instances out, since you do it a lot.

Plotwise, nothing I can complain about. I find it hard to believe a little pegasus can deck a princess and send her flying, but that's really the only complaint I have. Also, the fact Celestia can suddenly use magic again, but I'm chalking that up to the fact that Nightmare Moon had been defeated before that.

Like I said, something is very off. Look at it yourself and try to see it, and while you're at it, obliterate all those fragments and punctuation abusements.

And sorry for the wait for the review.
>> No. 80430
Testing, because it isn't letting me post anything. Freakin'... guh.
>> No. 80431

Wait what the heck it said that couldn't be posted I don't even what's going on AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
>> No. 80436
Best solution when anything won't let you post: either reset the internet settings or reboot the computer. Usually works for me when my post aren't getting through.
>> No. 80451
File 132773078663.jpg - (56.30KB , 500x495 , 132561589139[1].jpg )

Hear me out here... what if... what if...


Right, I'm getting far too silly, that means it's time for bed. Expect a review or two tomorrow, everypony. Sweet dreams.
>> No. 80459
>I find it hard to believe a little pegasus can deck a princess and send her flying, but that's really the only complaint I have.
>Also, the fact Celestia can suddenly use magic again, but I'm chalking that up to the fact that Nightmare Moon had been defeated before that.
Celestia and Nimbus are trapped in a 'dream'. Everything that happens during that is supposed to be in his subconscious. I've tried to leave many, many hints to allude to them both being asleep, so I just can't understand why some people aren't picking up on that. She couldn't use her magic in the dream world, so when she woke up, it came back. I'm intending to kinda sledgehammer it in a epilogue

>After a quote, if it doesn't end with a name (and the quote didn't end with a period), the following sentence isn't capitalized.
This is something I've only paid attention to (aka, realised) about 2/3rds of the way through the 3rd chapter. So I'm not going to worry about it. This is wrong throughout the first and second chapter too.

I defiantly understand there being a difference in tone. Wasn't happy with most of it. So going to look into those fragments and see what I can do, then throw the blasted thing up. I'm beyond sick of looking at it.
>> No. 80460

Damnit, accidentally edited out 'But hitting her that hard from that position didn't make sense, so I've changed that.' from the first paragraph
>> No. 80515
File 132778344725.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Sorry for the long wait, but I was a bit fearful of tackling a story of this magnitude. But since you specified the first three sections, I took a crack at those.

First chapter? Boring, but I really liked the way you brought the person to Equestria.

Second? Skimmed, a lot.

Third? Barely looked.

You were right, telly sentences were a huge problem here. There's a lot of them, especially when you try to describe characters. You make it seem really forced; you could easily find another way to describe characters without outright saying it.

Aside from the telly sentences (which I can't say much about except make more interesting, make longer, and make it show, not tell), I'll get to some specifics:

-You're capitalizing some words that don't need it (like praise), you spell some words wrong, and you use the wrong word occasionally.

-You're abusing dramatic fragments in dialogue. One every once in awhile is fine, but you use three or so in a row. A lot. Plus, a bunch of these fragments could easily be merged with the previous/following sentence.

-The plot isn't bad, per se, but it's extremely convuluted and confusing.

-The intro is boring as all get out. If you want to get somepony's attention, especially with a confusing story like this, you need an intro that makes them want to know more. If I'd just been passing along and seen that intro, I woulda been outta there.

Overall... telly, boring, confusing, etc. Not to say that it's bad, especially with all the work I can see you've put into it, but it could do with a veeeeery good polishing.
>> No. 80531
First: thanks for reading.

Also, I know it needs polishing, but I don't know where to go from here. I really don't. Could you be more specific and less general?

You stated specifically that the first section is "boring". I don't know... For Pete's sake, I have a mutant pony with unusual powers appear out of nowhere and he then accidentally blows up an apartment building in 9/11 fashion-- hurting [and maybe killing] dozens of ponies. Then, he gets taken to the hospital and-- as a sort of perverse 'reward' to the medical ponies that save his life-- he then accidentally blows up the hospital. And then, he's trapped in the caved-in remains.

Is it the idea that doesn't work? Is it just too convoluted? And if it's the way I wrote it, then how exactly would you change it? When I see the first section in my mind, it's... attention holding to say the least.
>> No. 80553
File 132779913862.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )

Heeeeere we go.


-Stop capitalizing the sun and the moon. They don't need it.

-Smaller numbers (usually three digits or less) should be spelled out. 1 is one, 23 is twenty-three, etc. etc.

-If a pony refers to the pony they're talking to in dialogue, separate that name with a comma. Example: "Hello there Fluttershy." is wrong. "Hello there, Fluttershy." is right.

-You reuse words in close succession several times. Mix it up a little.

-A lot of your sentences are very telly. Another author wants my help with telly sentences as well, so refer to my next post to get some proper advice on how best to work on this.

-Occasional odd sentence structure.

-You occasionally miss a word within sentences.


-Who're the Dee's? Even if they aren't mentioned much/ever again, you still gotta let people know who they are. Something as small as 'my neighbors' will suffice.

-I don't get it, is this an alternate universe or something? Twilight's not an author, or at least not a published one.

All in all, not a bad story. It's way too telly, sure, but refer to the post after this one for tips on how to tackle that. Plot's mostly fine, if a bit odd. I guess we'll have to see more chapters before we know where it's heading. Grammar isn't the worst, but you do make errors here and there.

Also, is this a 'Misery' crossover? Getting a big 'Misery' vibe.
>> No. 80560

Both of these need a bit of help with telling and not showing. The concept's a bit hard to explain, but it all boils down to the fact that there's two sentence types: One that pretty much tells the reader exactly what's going on in the most boring way possible, and one that leaves it a bit vague and a bit interesting. You don't have to completely lay out every single little action a character makes, since this just makes it telly. Plus, a sentence with more interesting words goes a long way towards being showy. Of course, you need to find the fine line between telling too much and telling too little.

Since it's a bit rough to explain, I'll give a few examples of telly sentences and correct them. Hopefully, that'll be enough to help.

#1: Twilight walked to the window. She looked outside, and she saw Canterlot.
Correction: Twilight crossed the room, taking a peek out the window. A small gasp escaped her lips as the familiar sight of Canterlot appeared before her.

#2: Pinkie Pie walked to the dance floor. She stopped in its center and began dancing.
Correction: Pinkie Pie leapt onto the center of the dance floor, barely missing a few ponies unfortunate enough to be in the way. Ignoring their protests, she began to cut a rug.

#3: Rainbow Dash looked to her left, seeing two statues there. She looked to her right next, spotting a mysterious doorway.
Correction: Rainbow Dash glanced all around, taking in her new surroundings. To her right stood a couple stone statues, their grainy figures towering over the pegasus. Straight across from them rested a doorway, its wooden face seeming out of place.


First off, see the above and try and make your whole thing less telly. It doesn't matter how much you fix it if the telly language bores people to tears.

Secondly, most of the reason its boring is because it's telly. Telly language puts everypony to sleep, whether you make it sound amazing or not. It may look great in your mind, but to me, it was a mindless slog through uninteresting language.

Your idea isn't bad, but like I said, it's gonna be uninteresting until you present it in a better way. Make things less telly, and you've got my attention. It is a bit confusing though; maybe go back and straighten it up a little.

Also, a bit of extra content regarding telly sentences, seeing as your descriptions told so much instead of showing. Have an example:

#4: Coral Leaf sighed. She had a light blue coat, green mane, and a lab coat.
Correction: Coral Leaf sighed. She ran a hoof through her mane, wondering if her lab coat offset the foresty green of her mane. Trying to make sure she looked her best, she wrapped her outfit tighter around her blue form.

Or something like that.
>> No. 80564
I understand the tell/show distinction, but what is it about the plotline and characters that's bad and thus that you would get rid of or reduce?
>> No. 80565

It's not bad, it's just confusing. Then again, that might just be because all the telly sentences dulled my brain. Fix it up and send it back, and I'll see if it's still confusing.
>> No. 80581
First let me thank you for reading and offering some suggestions to improve it.
Now, some notes:
1. Yes this is a Misery crossover.
2. I apologise for repeating the same mistakes over and over.
3. Did the story keep your interest?
4. How bad and common were the telly sentences.
>> No. 80590

The mist scene was kinda dull, to be honest. I'm not sure what relevence it has to the story at hand. Other than that, it was somewhat interesting, though I wouldn't mind livening it up in some way.

Telly sentences? They were everywhere, especially in the mist scene. Mist scene had them the most, and everything after that had some here and there.
>> No. 80636
Hello there! Hoping you aren't too busy and can spare my fic a glance. It's not much at this point, mostly laying the groundwork for the rest of the story, but I'm new to writing fanfiction and the opinion of someone skilled at these things would be nice.

It's GOING to be about the CMC finding that their talents are martial disciplines and getting drafted for Celestia's Black Ops, though as they're just fillies it'll be more concerned with their training. I'm thinking of it basically as Harry Potter with military fillies, as far as the tone goes.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble here. Here's a link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1x9vFPIIsnhBnovL_ifIh7Wgj1HomHbB78O0TnBnpAro/edit

I hope it meets your standards!
>> No. 80736
Didn't get anything done today, 'twas busy. Might not be able to hit any tomorrow either. It depends on if I'm still in a writing mood tomorrow.

Nonetheless, current queue:

-Of Peace and War
-Pinkie P.I.E.: Private Investigator Extraordinare
-The Actions Which Define Us.
-My Little Black Ops.

To the MLBO owner, I ask you, is this a COD crossover? If so, you're better off elsewhere; I do enjoy the series, as as such know very little of it. Even if it isn't a crossover you might still be better off with somepony else, since I'm not the best at military lingo.
>> No. 80752
Nope, I'm not big on crossovers. Also, the military aspect hasn't started yet in the amount I've got written. So far it's mostly the CMC getting into shenanigans, pretty standard issue stuff so far.
>> No. 80772

Meant to say don't. Aggggh. Starting to get more frustrated with myself than when I had to work with "Prep For Pre-school, Training Your Tots".

I'll give it a shot then. Expect a review in the next few days, hopefully sooner rather than later.
>> No. 80990
File 132804870149.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )

Since it's set to view only, going with a half review.


-You keep switching formatting styles. Either indent it all, or don't indent any of it (preferrably the former).

-Missing commas here and there, notably before quotes.

-Capitalizing things you don't need to. You don't need to capitalize your breakfast, nor do you capitalizing cutie mark. This is just a couple examples.

-If it isn't dialogue, don't give it quotation marks. 's will suffice.

-Randomly dropping words off. 'The United States of.' The United States of what?

-Spell out numbers if they're three digits or less (with few exceptions). '2' should be two.

-Putting things in parenthesis is typically for short quips, not sentences of information.

-You spell pegasi wrong.

-Reusing words. Try some variety.


-...I have no idea what's going on. I want to say I shouldn't take this story seriously, but I can't tell.

-Everypony's out of character.

-Massive Gary Stu. President, Celestia bows down to him, and to add onto it, he's going to be with with Rainbow Dash too. Plus, the Wonderbolts wanted him and he declined? Buddy buddy with the Main 6? Agh.

Overall, I am very, very unimpressed. I've never said this before, and it shames me to do so, but this should be completely redone plotwise. Having your character as the leader of a nation might be interesting, but making him a Gary Stu completely ruined that. Grammar's not too bad spelling-wise, but you're pretty off with the mechanics.

Don't give up, but please, hit this with a wrecking ball and rebuild it from the ashes. If I may make a personal suggestion, have your character be the leader of the nation and nothing more. Not outranking Celestia, not friends with the Main 6, and definitely not together with Rainbow Dash (at least not until much later on, I suppose. Give their relationship time to grow).

Also, there's nothing wrong with an original country name. The United States of Equestria? Please. It's unoriginal x2. Also, including guns and helicopters was a pretty bad choice as well. Swap them for something equally as deadly, but slightly more canon.

Unless, of course, I wasn't supposed to take any of this seriously.
>> No. 80992
I've actually updated My Little Black Ops, here's a link to the fimfiction version:

>> No. 81015
File 132805805373.png - (133.94KB , 827x534 , This pleases McClure.png )

Another half review.


-Don't put something in all caps for emphasis. Instead, lowercase it, and bold it.

-Minor errors here and there. An apostraphe that isn't needed, a missing comma, etc.

-Don't capitalize after an ellipsis (three periods) unless a name comes after it.

-If the pony somepony's talking to is mentioned in dialogue, separate the name with a comma. Compare yours (Not now Pinkie) to the correct (Not now, Pinkie).

-If it isn't dialogue, don't put it in quotes. 's will suffice.

-Page break between when Pinkie starts telling Twilight about the crime and when she finishes feels unnecessary.

-The rare run-on. For example, 'When I finished, Twilight just smiled back at me, which took me aback, and I recoiled from the awkwardness of her reaction to such a horrifying tale'. Could remove 'which took me aback' and get pretty much the same effect.

-There's a difference between who's and whose. Example: "Who's feather is it, Twilight?" makes it sound like 'Who is feather is it'. It should be whose.

-If you place an action sentence in between two dialogue fragments, the second dialogue fragment is still capitalized.

-Some tense errors, such as saying 'murder' instead of 'murdered', or 'spill' instead of 'spilled'.


-Boring intro. Weather reports are never interesting.

-Pacing isn't too bad, but it could be improved. Pinkie jumps from her office, to the river, and then to her office and back again allin under two pages. If I may make a suggestion, extend the first office scene a little, and just have Pinkie carry the suit on her person 'for just such an occasion' to knock out the office/river warp.

-The (which is now officially canon for our little gray friend) part, while true, breaks the immersion pretty hard. Consider tossing it. If anypony complains about you using it, then you can throw it at them.

-YEEEEEEEEEEEAH. Har. You win, friend. The explanation for it, however, could use a slight trimming.


-"If anything I would be surprised if an editor's head doesn't just blow up from reading this. Not an enjoyable experience for anyone." My head's still intact. I think. Lemme go get a mirror...

-Dream sequence. I haaaaate yoooooooou. Though it does explain why RD was suddenly a police chief... and the follow-up has led me to forgive you.

Overall? I loved it. It's funny, had me wondering the whole time, and it definitely interesting. Most stories have me skip a paragraph or two, at the very least. This one? Not a single word was skimmed. The grammar errors weren't too bad, nothing detracting from the story, really. Still, I pointed out some general errors you made for you to look out for.

Not much more to say except that this is great, and I truly enjoyed reading it. You are a champion, my friend.
>> No. 81018
I'm glad that after three attempts (I'm sure if you rack your mind you will remember them) I was able to impress you to such a degree. The edits will be undergone tonight. Thank you very much for your time and your fair review. Expect more work from me in the near future.
>> No. 81020
File 132806000701.png - (132.40KB , 612x684 , detective_pinkie_pie_by_death_driver_5000-d47ux9n.png )
Excuse me, I perhaps "impress" was not the best word. Exchange it with entertain. Nontheless I thank you very much.
>> No. 81044
File 132806764231.jpg - (185.74KB , 1209x660 , 574cb1ed963dfb376b0ca4b7eb407fb3.jpg )
Greetings, dear reviewer. I respectfully beseech thee to review my humble fic.

The Stars and the Ponies
Edmar Fecler
[email protected]
sci-fi, crossover, adventure

Synopsis: A Jedi from a far, far away place is left stranded on the pony's planet after an accidental jump to light speed. But the longer he stays the more he discovers about them and their planet, and vice versa. Secrets are revealed, bonds are made, and adventures are on the horizon.

Chapter 1: Part 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DmTh7yAFjBAyslzKym4JUjj18crNeA0BaeJqFj9EjJI/edit

Tags: Star Wars, ponies, Jedi, long

While it is completed, if you are by any chance interested in the Prelude, you may find it here:

I thank thee for thine time reviewing my fan-fiction, and I bid you a very joyful day.
>> No. 81061
File 132807080532.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )
Phew, glad I managed to slip a couple reviews in despite being busy half the day.

Current queue:
-The Actions Which Define Us
-My Little Black Ops
-The Stars and the Ponies

I'm gonna warn ya now, I'm not a Star Wars fan (or fan of Sci-fi in general. Hint hint, to any future crossover submitters). It's probably better if you go elsewhere, but I'll take a look if ya want me to.


You've been here before, huh? Three attempts? I got nothin'. Can I buy a vowel?

Anyway, sweet dreams, everypony. Hope to fit in some reviews tomorrow.
>> No. 81084
How sappy and overly melodramatic does a romance have to be before you're not interested in reading it?
>> No. 81144
Hmmm. A vowel you say? I'll do you one better. So a delivery colt walks into a bar, with a shiny stone in his mail case. Care to solve the puzzle, mi amigo?
>> No. 81146

I don't really care how sappy a romance is now, gimme! Grimdark is fine and all, but I'm dying for a cheerier story.


Say no more. Ya've come a long way.
>> No. 81185
Didn't seem right to leave a sour taste in your mouth. But I'll end my prattling, I'm sure you have work to do on this thread.
>> No. 81449
File 132823607148.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
Blaaaaah. Been busy the past couple days, but I should have time for a couple reviews tomorrow.

Current queue:
-The Actions Which Define Us
-My Little Black Ops

I'm dropping The Stars and the Ponies, and you have my apologies. I don't think I'd be of any assistance, what with my general dislike of Sci-fi. Plus, I've seen this reviewed by at least three other people recently, so it looks like you're set anyway. Good luck.
>> No. 81450

I should mention I've changed the title of my fic from 'The Actions Which Define Us' to 'Not Your World'. I was advised that the former tried a bit too hard.
>> No. 81473
No problem man. That version was just a little venture i was trying away from my origional plan.
2 1/2 out of 3 reviews shot it down. Needless to say it failed... Miserably.

So if nothing else, this little endevor has proven to me that i must stay my origional course no matter what.

Thanks anyway, by the way.
>> No. 81478
File 132824798177.png - (727.67KB , 800x800 , spin_that_record_vinyl_scratch_by_fajeh-d4o7rab.png )
I'm actually in the process of rewriting Pinkamania, and it's a major revision. So please don't review it yet. I'll delete my last post and put the link here, but it's not ready yet, and I'm sure it wont be ready by tomorrow because my weekend is packed.

Then again, if you're bored you could always review it. I am changing it because I don't feel my ability to write first person present tense is all that good. The rewrite is mostly done in past tense, which I think I am much better at. I also changed the main character's personality a bit. So if you want to read it and maybe give some pointers on how to improve that, it would be awesome. Otherwise, don't read it.

>> No. 81485
Howdya do, Trots?

Long story short, I am really freaking close to getting accepted onto EqD. The pre-reader said:

> "I'm going to have to say that I could approve the prologue and first chapter, though I dislike not knowing where the story is going... Chapter two is a different story. There are large chunks of dialogue that are not attributed to any pony, making it quite difficult to understand who is speaking. For this to go up on the blog, chapter two should be put through Ponychan first."

So, there you have it. You can read the first parts if you want for context, but all I really need is for chapter 1 (pt2) to get reviewed, so I can be sure that I fixed the problems.

However, regardless of how much you read, I urge you to be as critical as possible.

>title: Caveat Emptor: let the buyer beware

>tags: [dark] [adventure]

>Description: Things are awry in Ponyville. Last Twilight Sparkle checked, the only voice in a pony's head should be her own. Curiosity piqued, Twilight and her friends do some investigating, and uncover a horrifying secret. As loyalties are tested, the six friends find themselves questioning the very world around them. But through it all, one stark, terrifying truth remains clear:

Everything comes at a price.
And It has come to collect.

>link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5117/Caveat-Emptor%3A-Let-The-Buyer-Beware

Thank you!
>> No. 81755
File 132839198100.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )

Remember when I said I would do a review or two tomorrow? I lied. Mwahaha. Moving on...


-You've got an odd format when it comes to dialogue. You add a new paragraph every time somepony else speaks, which is good, but you don't split it from the previous paragraph.

-You've got a bunch of sentences standing all on their lonesome that could be merged with previous paragraphs. Don't let the sentences be lonely.

-Missing word here and there.

-Don't put something in all caps for emphasis, lowercase it and bold it instead.


-'A mare with orange-tan hair and a blonde mane.' Hair and mane are pretty much the same thing, even though I know what you really meant. Still, you should change 'hair' to 'coat'.

-"Ah see..." Applejack replied, frowning in thought. She stopped talking for a moment--Success! thought Lem--but shortly thereafter started saying "Why don't I tell you about my cutie ma-" before being interrupted by a lurch and a whistle. The train was moving.

It's confusing to tell who's talking, since even thoughts get their own paragraph.

-Why are the buffalo attacking the train? In the show, they're as sentient as ponies, albeit with a more native lifestyle, and you make it seem like they're just regular animals. They've settled their grudge with ponies and probably wouldn't be attacking the train again, so... why?

-What the... chapter one, your main character (at least what I thought was the main character) meets AJ. Chapter two, some completely different character from the human universe whose roommates are all exactly like MLP's main characters? Uuuuuugh.

-Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy seem out of character. RD, bursting into tears over anything? And while it's debateable, FS seems to be a little too open.

Overall... wat. I get that you're doing this from two points of view, with each chapter being from one characters POV, but it still just seems odd. One second you're in Equestria, the next, some guy's apartment with his oh-too-familiar roommates (which, by the way, seems lazy. Unless you're trying to prove some kind of point, here). Surely there must be some way to integrate them better.

Your grammar's pretty good though, aside from a few minor errors and a very odd formatting choice. It's the plot that has me disorientated and uninterested. Not sure what to say, other than look over your story and possibly find a way to integrate the universes better, as well as change a few plot points.

(And if I may add, changing the title was the right thing to do.)
>> No. 81775
I'd like it if could look at my horrifyingly sappy and melodramatic Nightmare Moon romance fic. Be advised that you'll probably feel the same way as swiping a thirteen year old girl's diary and then thumbing through page after page of doodles and oogy-woogy-he's-my-sugary-boogery talk.

Title: "Nightmare Date"
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7739/Nightmare-Date
Synopsis: Nightmare Moon grows more and more frustrated with every minute of her new rule. The elements of harmony seemed to have failed. She banished Celestia to the sun and captured those impudent six friends. Yet Moon is tired of dealing with peasants and wants some kind of escape. This one unicorn that's a very, very thinly veiled male Twist(*) asks Moon out on a date, and they go off.

(*)I wanted it to be Twist herself, but that just didn't work for many reasons.

Science Brony reviewed the story in brief, and he said he likes it a lot (although romance is not his thing): http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/81043.html

I_Post_Ponies reviewed this as well as mostly liked it in some thread... the location of which I do not know...

I also may have posted it in some other thread... the nature of which... I can't remember a damn thing. :/

>> No. 81778
File 132839613601.png - (133.94KB , 827x534 , This pleases McClure.png )

-No need to capitalize something completely for emphasis. Lowercase it and bold it instead.

-Your format is a bit painful to read. When you start a new paragraph, separate it from the previous one. And if you want bonus points, indent those paragraphs as well. (You fix this for the most part in part three, though it's still there sometimes. The first two need a big fix, though.)

-No need to capitalize pegasus/pegasi

-Thoughts should be put in italics.


-'This was why she wasn't using the good plates. Anymore.' Anymore doesn't need to be set apart, just lowercase it and change the period before it to a comma.

-Scootaloo gets slapped across the face with marshmallow goo and doesn't even flinch. Could add a quick 'Scootaloo shot Sweetie Belle a look', or something akin to that, somewhere.

-AJ seems to come out of nowhere in part two.

-It's sometimes hard to tell who's taking.

-Why did AB get embarassed at reading Sweetie's squiggles? Curious.

-Stalkerloooooo! Also, a horn 'silencer' is brilliant.

-Cute Gummy is cute.

Overall? I liked it quite a bit. Grammar's pretty solid, though you do have some errors here and there. Mostly, you just need to fix the format. Plotwise, also great, with maybe one or two errors that I pointed out. Also, horn silencers are clever and you should feel clever, assuming you didn't just take it from somepony else. In fact, it might be something I could use for one of my own stories farther down the road, provided you don't mind.

I'm interested in the story; can't wait to see where it goes from here. Fix up what I pointed out, and keep up the good work.
>> No. 81779
Skipping Pinkamania for now, and I'll be happy to look at it once the author says it's complete.


BWAAAAAH that's a lot of chapters. I'll admit that I've been dying to look at some good romance, but daaang that's a lot to review. Any specifics on what you want looked at? I'll read the whole thing, but the review may not come from awhile.
>> No. 81781

Aw man, what about me? Did mine get passed over?
>> No. 81782

Oops, must have forgotten to add that to the queue. No, no, you're next.
>> No. 81787
>> No. 81796
Thanks for the pointers, I'll get to fixing that stuff!

As for the horn silencers, I came up with that myself, and you're welcome to use it if you want. Dunno if anyone else has come up with it before, but I can't remember seeing it elsewhere.

And with Apple Bloom getting embarrassed, the idea was that the writing was so darn hard to read that what they wound up seeing the text as had nothing to do with what Sweetie Belle had tried to write. I left it a little ambiguous on purpose, but the idea is that Apple Bloom misread it quite completely and thought that Sweetie Belle had some romantic interest in her. I kinda borrowed that idea from a comic I used to read years ago, where one guy leaves a note for some others but his writing is so bad that everyone reads it completely differently, thinking it's addressed to them.

Anyway, thanks for the review! I'll be giving this a formatting overhaul in the near future, and another set of eyes to catch what I miss always helps.
>> No. 81803
It's romance, but I don't know how good I'd rate it... See what I said again about the whole '13-year-old's diary' aspect of the the writing style. I'm glad your interested, though.

The chapters are each pretty short (like 1k-2k words). I'd like it you could read up to the ninth chapter (which I think then means you have 16k or so words only to look at).

I don't really know what to ask except for just:
How do I make this less like a male-version of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight and more like a story with some heft in it?
>> No. 81814
Thanks for the review. The first 2 chapters are, unfortunately, my worst.
I kinda anticipated this reaction, so I'll probably swap chapters 2 and 3 in order to allow the reader to build some kind of connection with Lem (and hopefully the story) before shifting.
I'm also going to add more to chapter 1, mostly points of emotion to get the reader further invested in the story. I'll also explain the dilemma the story is focused on further.

As far as characters go: I'll mess around with the RD part a bit. In retrospect, crying probably isn't appropriate there. She certainly does show vulnerability when she knows no one is watching. Fluttershy, I'm a little conflicted on. I know she typically isn't so forward, but she's also very concerned with other ponies' feelings. I'll back off a little bit but I feel where she is now is pretty close.

The humans introduced are counterparts to the mane 6 on purpose. This fact is quite important in the plot and I am definitely trying to prove something.

I'm actually really glad you had the reaction you did because I feel the type of reader you are will also be the hardest type for my writing to appeal to.
>> No. 81820
Yeah, anytime I read something that has RD crying I'm like "WHAT THE WHAT IN THE BUTT WHAT!"
>> No. 81876
File 132842170989.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )

-Minor errors here and there. To be specific: missing punctuation (mainly commas), a fragment or two, capitalizing something that shouldn't be, yadda yadda.

-Ya get some wicked lavender unicorn syndrome in the second chapter. Nothing wrong with using the character's names, or at least toning down your various descriptions.

-You spell Cherilee wrong.


-Feels a bit odd that Discord came to power because some pony gave it to him. Still, the story seems to require that, so i won't judge. I do like that his species isn't just him and him alone, that's an angle very rarely gone into.

-Wait, when did the three ponies get attacked?

-Second chapter seems to switch to comedy. It's not an unwelcome change, really, I was grinning like a loon the whole time.

-Your AJ accent seems a bit wonky. Teh=to? Veeeery big gap there. She also sounds wasted in some parts. Unless she actually IS wasted, in which case that's probably something the reader should know.

I'm going to be perfectly, clearly honest here. The first half of the prologue... you had my hopes set SO high. I couldn't find a single flaw, and you had my interest completely in your grasp. It was perfect, interesting, and I wanted more. Then we got to the Discord scene, where errors started to appear it felt like the story had changed entirely. But, I was still entertained, and wanted more. And then chapter one, where the story was COMPLETELY changed, revolving almost entirely around some OC that came from nowhere.

I didn't have time for chapter 2 (which I'll get to tomorrow, since you still have my interest), but I won't mince words: I'm dissapointed. To have such an amazing intro and warp it into 'wat'... sigh. But if you can pull off an intro like that, I have faith you'll put that greatness back in at some point. I really hope it's in chapter two.

The story isn't bad at all, it's definitely good. What I'm saying is, the quality took a huge hit. The intro just feels like it belongs to an entirely different story, honestly.

Will be back tomorrow to finish it off.
>> No. 81878
-Caveat Emptor (Incomplete)
-Pinkamania (On hold until author says)
-Nightmare Date

I'm not sure if I'll be able to do anything but a finale to Caveat's review tomorrow. Really want to get some writing done, but I suppose we'll see how things turn out.
>> No. 81907

Well, I make the connection between the two storylines in chapter 2. I have been told by several people that it's awesome, but this is your review, so it'd be stupid to tell you what to think of my story.
>> No. 81923
whoops, chapter 1, pt 2. Not chapter 2
>> No. 81929

I never said it wasn't awesome, I just said it's not as great as it could have been. At least, not yet. Can't wait to see how the scenes get connected. Guess we'll find out tomorrow.
>> No. 82021
File 132847159826.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Annnnd we're back, folks.


-You spell Pinkie wrong. That's two ponies that you've messed up on. Have you checked for the correct spelling? (And for some reason, later on you start spelling Pinkie right. And then right back to incorrect. Whatsupwithdat.)

-Mispellings, such as unfortunatly and adrenaline.

-Sometimes forgetting to capitalize the second dialogue fragment placed after an action sentence.

-More missing commas here and there.

-You abuse exclamation points in some scenes.

-You completely underline a sentence at one point, instead of just the book title. Also, books don't need to be underlined in fanfiction, I don't think. That's more of an article practice. Anyone's free to correct me on this, though.


-The CMC cart scene felt unnecessary, and a little unrealistic. Don'tcha think AJ would be a bit more worried that her sister and her friends are making off with one of her carts and not telling her what it's for? Guess that's open to debate, though.

-Don't think Rainbow Dash would get that emotional over apoligizing to Molt. The verge of tears wasn't necessary.

-And then Molt was the bad guy in disguise. Errr. Well... if you insist.

You said the two storylines would be linked, but all that happened was what I assume is the 'big bad guy' lowering his powers and trying to hide out in Ponyville for X reason. Is he trying to finish off what Discord started and do it right, or something? Eh.

The chapter didn't change my mind. It's somewhat interesting, but still not nearly as good as the intro. Not much I can say except work on improving your grammar. It's odd how the beginning was flawless, and yet you make more and more errors as the story continues. Guess we'll have to see where the story goes...
>> No. 82024

Ah yes, forgot about the EqD pre-reader thing. I'll go into that more in detail.

That whole scene where RD is trying (in vain) to get her friends to be quiet and listen to her? That's where the unattributed dialogue comes from. I couldn't tell who was talking at all.

And like I've said before, I don't like where the story is going, either. It started out feeling like an actiony, funny cop story. Then, it turns into 'big bad guy is out to take over the world. Also he beats Discord'. Then, it's a slice of life of our favorite six ponies hanging out with an OC. And then the OC is the bad guy. It feels like you're swapping genres a LOT. And the bad guy being Molt, in my personal opinion, feels stupid. He's so powerful that Discord worked for him, and yet he's going undercover as a depressed unicorn? Gonna need a really good explanation for that.
>> No. 82031
Hmm... molt as the bad guy in disguise? That's the first time anyones thought that before. It's always just been people asking why Molts working for the big bad. Which, while not completely true, is closer than him actually BEING the bad guy.

Aw man, I thought that I had caught all of the Pinkie misspellings.

I see what your saying... it does get kinda weird, and ive been having a little bit of trouble to set it all up and make sense. Do you have any suggestions, or do you think I should just scrap it?
>> No. 82040

When you said that Discord was working for someone, I just had to read this story.

>wait, when did the three ponies get attacked?
I think that it's fairly obvious that something happened when the confronted the "dealer", something happened, and we just never find out what. I've seen this writing trick used lots of times, and I think that it was done fairly well.

I think that its safe to assume the that everypony was a lite wasted, and he doesn't really need to tell us this.

The cmc cart scene was fine.

The RD almost crying scene was a little much. Save her crying for when Molt reveals hus true colors.

I didn't think that Molt was THE bad guy, but I can see how someone would.
Maybe, instead of having glowy eyes, the big scary voice speaks in Molt's head too.
>> No. 82043
Hey Trots, thanks for the critique. I may have taken it a bit personally at first but you picked out a few flaws I would have never noticed. I am taking your advice and Blowing up the original and building a new one out of the rubble. But this time I am building it with reinforced steel instead of rusty iron. The character is going to have a different name and same with his country (does the Republican Provinces of Equestria sound good?). The main character will be a less of a Gary Stu as well. But I do want to keep the modern military weapons (remember, this story is set about 15 years after the Discord Crisis). The story starts when the main character is still a soldier in the army. So overall, your advice has made the story better.
>> No. 82052

Nooooo, no, don't scrap it. Your story might be a little unsteady now, but it's still good. I have faith you can make it enjoyable. The only suggestion I can is work a bit harder on grammar, and pick a genre and stick with it. The way things keep flip-flopping, who knows what happens next. For all we know, Molt and RD could get married and then a human lands in equestria and they have to fight Celestia and yadda yadda, get what I'm saying? I'd credit the confusion to constant tone changing.


For the cop beatdown scene, what confused me was that he made it sound like the big bad had left the scene before they arrived. In which case, what's there for them to be attacked by? Any confrontation was completely skipped over, and the results seem to come out of nowhere. Something as small as 'Three ponies charged into the clearing, shouting out orders to one another. The Big Bad did nothing, watching intently as they approached' And THEN page break would suffice. Of course, this is debateable.


Good luck, my friend. Like I said, do what you want, but developing advanced weaponry and transportation in just fifteen years seems unrealistic. That's a chance to come up with a good explanation, though.

On an unrelated note, is ponychan blowing up for anyone else?
>> No. 82054
File 132848156507.gif - (45.29KB , 200x157 , (My Little Pony) (1).gif )
>On an unrelated note, is ponychan blowing up for anyone else?

Yes! :/
>> No. 82068
Yes it has. Half the time, I cant even get on, and I.can rarely even post replies...
>> No. 82094
Hey Trots.

1st of all: Thanks for reading Nightmare Date. I hope you like it or at least enjoy reading it.

2nd of all: Please skip and don't even think about reading Chapters 12 and 13. They're the ones marked "Ending One" and "Sweet Dreams".

You might also want to skip Chapter 14, since it's... weird. And I mean weird.
>> No. 82466
File 132865004259.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )
Evenin' everypony, just checking in with the current queue and news of a screw up.

-Pinkamania (Still on hold 'til author says.)
-Nightmare Date (Started, reading chapters whenever I get the chance.)

Also, I've been making a mistake in terms of grammar. To anyone I've told that "You capitalize the second quote fragment if there's an action sentence between them", I was wrong. Don't remember where I picked that up, but you all have my apologies.
>> No. 82473
Hey, I'm glad you're reading it and I'd love to see what you think. But please (like I said before) skip over chapters 12-14. Don't even think about reading them, please. There's four alternative endings, and ending number one as well as ending number two are flagrantly not right for this site.
>> No. 82560
Assuming it doesn't break any of your rules, I'd like to add another fic to your queue (since it's short). Thanks!

Title: The Pony League.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9591/The-Pony-League

Title and Picture Details: The title is a reference to The Human League, and the cover art is a pony-version of 'Dare' (their best known album featuring their hit "Don't You Want Me?"). The cover art wasn't done by me, I just found it someplace I can't remember (bad, I know).

Length: Two chapters, 4k words, incomplete

Synopsis: Equestria's most notorious musical group, The Pony League, makes a stop in Ponyville on their mayhem-filled, Equestria-wide tour. They blow out speakers, scream for political revolution, throw out obscene gestures, squeal feedback throughout the town square, and smash instruments just inches from ponies' faces. And that's just the first song. Most horses feel shocked and horrified by their sound, their ideology, and their callous attitude. Yet Twilight finds them utterly fascinating, and she takes them on as a sort of psychological science project. She also fears that Princess Celestia will not take very kindly to a group ranting about her "tyrannical rule". Yet something about them and their handsome lead singer, Ian, touches Twilight's heart as well as her mind.

Inspiration: The tl;dr is that a post-punk/punk transgressive art band that wants to destroy everything comes to Ponyville, Twilight takes them on as a science project. She also falls for the pony Ian Sheffield ( name from Ian Curtis + Sheffield ponies). Joy Division is my biggest influence here, but I'll thrown in some Sex Pistols, Gary Numan, the Fall, the Smiths, and other groups into that big stew of post-punky/punky madness.

I should note that I plan on ending it like the real story: Ian hangs himself since Twilight won't be with him. You know, 'love will tear us apart' etc. I'd love to see what you think!

*Does the Ian Curtis dance* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FDLwxODZt0
>> No. 83361
File 132894107299.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Sorry for the long wait, friend. Life and my own stories have been keeping me busy. I looked at your story over time, though, and took notes as I went. Have some copy paste.


-Don’t fully capitalize for emphasis, lowercase it and bold it. In fact, this is in the very first sentence.

-Ellipsis (three periods in arow) abuse, also in the beginning. Using them once in awhile is a-ok, but I see it at least seven times without even scrolling down. Also, you don’t always have to capitalize after them.

-Misspellings here and there. ‘It’ would it should be ‘It’s’, ‘done’ should be ‘down’, etc.

-Fragments and run-ons here and there.

-Missing words here and there. For example, in the sentence Especially for somepony so bold to try catch a princess...

-You laid on Twist’s lisp a little TOO thick. I couldn’t understand a single word she said. Was that even dialogue, or was she having a seizure?

-Telly sentences errywhere!


-I want to say that a peasant straight up asking a queen out- and getting accepted, no less -is complete and utter horseapples. With barely any reason aside from ’he looks at her with fear’ and, she agrees, even if it is just out of boredom. But that’s what your fic depends on , so I’ll grin and bear it.

-NMM’s reaction to the question seems way off. If I were a dark monarch, I would laugh my rear end off before even considering such a proposition. Add a little more disbelief/mocking to her original reaction.

-Wait, what? Strawberry knows Rarity? Isn’t she disposed of? I’m started to believe Strawberry is an undercover rebel doing his job so well, he doesn’t even know he’s on a mission.

-‘Walking together hoof in hoof’. I know that was just a thought, but is that even physically possible without somepony falling over?

-Feels like chapter two ended too early. That’s not to say that it’s too short, but rather, it feels like there was more to be said before it cut off.

-And now he knows Twilight and AJ. I really hope he’s an undercover agent or there‘s a good reason, because if not, he’s starting to wander into Gary Stu territory.

-She became a ruler just hours ago, and she’s already bored/being courted? Wat.

-Of cour'th if'th didn'th halp da'th eh th'alked lak disssssf." AAAAAAH IT’S TWIST’S OLDER BROTHER

-Annnnnd declarations of love by chapter five. I’m all for early on romance, but they’ve known each other, what, four hours by this point?

Overall? Grammar, while weak, isn't unbearable. Plot, while kinda iffy, is also bearable. My main complaint? The pacing, but normal and relationship-wise.

In less than... what, an hour or so? NMM is already bored, willing to date a completely random peasant, etc. etc. I also want to say NMM is extremely out of character, but it's not like we know much more about her than that she's old-timey and wishes to fit in. You'd have to have someone else confirm this, I guess.

While general pacing switches back and forth between good and bad, it's the romantic pacing that's really bothering me. In less than four hours or so, they've gone from complete strangers to 'I LUUUURV YOU', and depending on what ending you go with, it goes to the nitty-gritty as well. Waaaay too fast, in my opinion, but I suppose the story would lose its charm if it expanded on multiple dates. I still think she shoulda tossed that guy into the dungeon first, before maybe reconsidering after the boredom reaches its peak.

Speaking of the guy you paired her up with, in my opinion, he's borderline Gary Stu. There's no reason for him to know every member of the main six, and to be honest, I thought him knowing them personally much made him a spy for some sort of resistance. Of course, the fact he woos Luna in a night don't help either. He's not a full on Gary, but he's close. I think he'd be just right if you removed any connction with the main six.

Again, sorry for the wait, and I'll get started on your other story ASAP. But, really, your story could use a bit of work. It's telly, the pacing is all wrong, etc... but, I managed to read a lot of it in a row without being completely turned away, so that's a plus. On the fimfiction scale, I'd say 2-2.5 overall.
>> No. 83379
First: Thanks for reading! I'm sorry that you thought it was an a F-grade / below passing story, but at least you were able to read it and bear through it :/

Plot-wise it seems like there's a lot of stuff that I can't change that you hated. Stuff that if altered would change the story completely. I know that these things you've pointed out are really implausible, but they're basically things that are baked into the cake completely.

So yeah, it's one date. And it's one night. And she agrees rather than chopping him up into pieces and placing those on pikes as would be the standard royal practice. I don't know what you want me to do about that... it's in the title and forms the central skeleton of the story. I'm actually personally up for making a gorefic where Nightmare Moon captures and kills Twist and is totally plausible, realistic, and coldly rational (and in all honestly I might write that soon)... but I didn't want this story to be that.

Yeah, it's a rare chance that Moon would accept, but I don't know... it seems to me that if one accepts that initial premise than at least the rest of the sappy love story would work. It says it's a sappy love story on the tin.

As far as the Gary Stu aspect goes, I did think of this from the very beginning as: "I'm shipping Twist with Nightmare Moon". I sort of gave up on that, but not really. Strawberry IS Twist. I gave her a sex-change and slight cosmetic tweaks, but he's Twist through and through. It's Twist's thought process. It's Twist's personality.

I guess this... I don't know. It's a horrifying pair, indeed, but if I broke that up then it ends the story and turns it into a different story. It's a shipfic with Twist! That's what it says on the tin.

I'm genuinely confused when you say that Strawberry is friends with the mane six. I really, really don't recall writing that at all. The only ponies I've linked him to is Fluttershy, whom I thought of as a platonic friend. But that's it. Where are you getting all of this friendship with Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight stuff from?

The most I think I've mentioned is references to them in passing that any Ponyville resident would know. He visited Rarity's boutique. Once. He bought food from Applejack's stall. Once. He knows what Twilight looks from her walking around, so he can recognize her corpse. I think that's all I mentioned about the mane six except for Fluttershy.

How does that make the protagonist friends with them? I'd recognize the corpse of our university president-- that doesn't make us friends. I'd recall that some guy named Greg served me food at Applebees. That doesn't make us friends. He's from Ponyville, and thus he has as much contact with the mane six as any other X generic pony. No more, no less.

You're right about Fluttershy being there in a big role, and that is Gary Stu-ish. But I really, really, really don't want to delete Fluttershy from the story, since having Nightmare Moon torture her and then murder her (depending on your chosen ending) is a key part of the story structure. It would make the story into a different story if I dicked with that.

I guess I'm coming across as frustrated, and I am. I'm sorry. Is there anything specific you'd recommend about the background that wouldn't involve scrapping the whole story? I want to make this better, but it's pointless if that process would turn the story into a different story. I'd even have to change the title.

It sounds like everything you didn't like is everything that is the steel skeleton of the story that I laid bricks and mortar upon. Tell me honestly: In your opinion, it's it set in stone that the story would only get-- say-- at most a 3 star? Period-- based on the background for the story? If it is, I understand.

Also: Thanks for reading, anyways. Sorry you didn't like it.
>> No. 83380
Oh hey, just a note that the story at:
Is also being looked at in: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/83073.html

Nothing against you, of course, I just think that two different reviewer eyes on a story is good. IT's a nice complement effect.
>> No. 83391
Hello Mr. Trots McClure! New writer here looking for some critique on something I've been working on for the last couple of weeks.
I must warn you, this is the first time I've ever attempted in writing a story.

Title: Neo-Equestria
Tags: [Tragedy] [Dark] [Adventure] [Alternative Universe]
Synopsis: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.
However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.
Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8505/Neo-Equestria - Prologue + Chapter 1 + Chapter 2

Oh if you would prefer a google doc, I can try set that up. Never used it before though.
Thanks in advance!
>> No. 83434

It's not that I didn't like it, it's that it's all so unreal that it hurts. It wasn't a pain to read, just a pain for me to come to terms with the fact you really made an entire relationship pan out in four hours. 3 stars is more like a C, honestly.

Yes, most of the stuff you listed is the backbone of the story, and you can't change that. However, you can go back and make things less telly, work on the pacing just a little bit, correct the grammar, etc. That alone will raise the score.

The 'friends with everyone' thing was a mistake on my part, because the way you put it made it seem like they were his friends giving him stuff or something. I wonder how they sold him merchandise after being taken down by NMM four hours previously, though. How far back did he buy this stuff?

Once again, the story wasn't bad. It had me interested enough to read, oh, maybe seven chapters in a row. And the romantic pacing, while complete horseapples, is essential to the story. You can still go back to fix grammar, tellyness, and general pacing, though. And maybe give NMM more disbelief to this random peasant's request, since she seems to accept that way too readily. And the sappiness could be toned down just a tiny bit on NMM's part, but that's up to you.

Gonna try and work on your other story today, by the way.
>> No. 83462
Hmmm... Well, I'm glad that you actually did like it then. I'll take that C...

>4 hours
Yeah, I guess all I can say is that it's a waifu-fic. It's a romantic fantasy like that. She's an agent of darkness and hate, yet she finds the one pony that seems to genuinely love her unconditionally just the way she is. So, then, they bond.

>How far back did he buy this stuff?
I thought it was clear from the context that he had a normal kind of day. Then, as night was falling, Nightmare came back. He saw part of the fight where she kicked the mane six's asses, and then he had passionate love at first sight for her-- since she's the love and glory of the night in pony form. Then, he asked for the date.

Do you think I should add some more stuff there to make it more explicit? Like "it was the apples that I bought early this afternoon hours ago..." etc.?

>You can still go back to fix grammar, tellyness, and general pacing, though. And maybe give NMM more disbelief to this random peasant's request, since she seems to accept that way too readily.
I can fix grammar. 'Tellyness', I think, is something I can't really fix-- I just have to accept that I'm not that good of a writer in those terms. 'Telly' is just the way I think, the way I speak, and the way I write. I'm not saying that I disagree with you-- since you're clearly right-- but I'm saying that it's beyond my capability to fix.

Can you be more specific about the pacing issue? I don't understand what you're saying. Are the chapters too long? Or are you talking about something else?
>> No. 83467

Yeah, I had absolutely no idea that NMM performed a sudden takeover. Should probably make that clear at some point. Also, you don't even have to name the characters by name. I don't know the names of everypony I buy stuff from. Buuut that's my opinion.

Even if you don't think so, tellyness can be fixed. That's entirely up to you, however. Pacing wise, you keep switching between good and bad. For instance, it's good when their date takes up a lot of time, covering a decent amount of paragraphs. It's not good when they leap from the forest to the castle in less than a sentence.
>> No. 83597
File 132903633304.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )

Annnnd we're back, folks.


-Don't capitalize after an ellipsis (three periods in a row). They denote a pause, not a new sentence (though they can be used to end dialogue).

-For some reason, one of your sentences is blue. Whatsupwithdat.

-Several very odd sentences. For example: "It's not that it's so scandalous," Rarity moaned, and she stepped over to the side of her boutique, "Well, I mean: 'It's not just that it's so scandalous.' It's that it's so pointless. There's not reason, no cause, no...". The 's are unnecessary, and it's run-on for at least half of it.

-If you have two dialogue fragments and an action fragment, you don't capitalize the second fragment. For example: "Bla bla bla," bla bla, "bla bla bla."

-In my opinions, sound effects should be italicized. The *s around them are optional.

-Don't use all caps for emphasis. Lowercase it and bold it instead.

-While not as bad as your other story, tellyness is still an issue here.

-You use 'then' a lot in your action sentences. This actually contributes a lot to the tellyness.


-Twilight is waaaay OOC, at least at the beginning. She wouldn't lash out at a friend who was just being a bit annoying. And honestly, with the direction this story is going, I think an OC would fit you much better.

-This is pretty much borderline clop in some parts. Do not want.

Overall? Frankly, I think the story is interesting. It could do so much better with an OC though instead of Twi/Rarity, and I recommend that. However, I think I'll pass after seeing the 'wet' ponies ramming Twilight and coltcuddler sloppy makeouts. Maybe a 3.5 or a 4 if you made some changes.
>> No. 83607
I'm glad you liked this one, at least more than ND.

The blue text is a link. Didn't you click it? It's just Gary Numan. He won't bite.

Does it still count as 'clop' if Twilight is around ponies that are having sex, but she has no desire to see them having sex and so she leaves immediately? And if the sex isn't a real part of the story. I feel like you and I define 'clop' differently. This was not meant to be a clopfic.

As per Twilight, I thought that if I place her under deep psychological stress then she'd take the story interesting places. She needs a lesson and she doesn't have one. She's feeling too bound by conservative Ponyville mores.

I really, really don't want to make more OCs then I need. How can I change it so that Twilight is better? Or what can I do in later chapters?

r.e. the future of the story. It's not a clopfic, really. I highly doubt that I'd even imply something like that between Twilight and Ian.

What more can I do to help the story? The grammar stuff is just simple weakness I fall into naturally. I should be able to fix that over simple revisions.
>> No. 83631
Tags: [Normal]
General Synopsis: Fluttershy gets bitten by a werewolf from the Everfree Forest, but when a side effect of the changes is extra confidence, she starts to wonder if the cure is such a good idea.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j54nbMkPxF9VelKfRSvzU9JOHzjp_Sn9-InMEL4S6lk/edit?hl=en_US (Comments should be enabled)
-This is the second attempt at a title here. I'm still open to suggestions.
-My intention was for a short story in the form and spirit of an episode of the show itself.
-I apologize for the length (~14k words).
-My primary concern right now is making sure the characters make sense for themselves. The last reviewer pointed out some flaws, in particular with Twilight and Fluttershy. I tried to address the issues, but I just want to be sure I managed to.
>> No. 83667
Not to nitpick... (Well, I guess I am)

Since the story takes place over multiple days, maybe: "Werepony Nights" or "Clop for the Wolfpony"...

(The latter would be a fun reference to the song 'Clap for the Wolfman')

I like this current title more than the last one, though.
>> No. 83672

I know it isn't clop, but I reeeeally don't want to read about ponies in the background getting it on, whether you go into graphic detail or not. You don't have to remove it, but I can't say I'd like to see more.

I still highly recommend an OC, but if you must use Twilight, then give her a reason for being a jerk. More than 'I want her to be a jerk, so she is one' or 'stress build up' or whatever. Make people think 'Oh, she has a valid reason for being rude to one of her closest friends'. And make sure people know what that reason is.
>> No. 83677
I really, really, really don't want to abandon the idea of Twilight as the protagonist. That sounds less enjoyable than just abandoning the story wholesale. Twilight in terms of personality seems like the perfect Stuart Sutcliffe to the Beatles, Arturo Vega to the Ramones, and Andy Warhol to the Velvet Underground. She's an intellectual that could take on a band as a great transgressive art project.

What things do you think I could use to give her reasons for being so jerk-ish? I'm drawing a blank of what justifications I could use. I don't know what to write next.

>If you have two dialogue fragments and an action fragment, you don't capitalize the second fragment. For example: "Bla bla bla," bla bla, "bla bla bla."

I've heard the opposite from pretty much everywhere. The way I write is=

Rarity said, "I can't believe how hard it's raining." She rubbed a hoof against the window. "There goes my outdoor dinner date." She leaned up and gazed at the hunk of golden fabric on the wall.

But you're saying that it needs to be=

Rarity said, "I can't believe how hard it's raining." She rubbed a hoof against the window, "there goes my outdoor dinner date." She leaned up and gazed at the hunk of golden fabric on the wall.
>> No. 83692
File 132908611221.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )

Why does Twilight even need to be a jerk at all? Can't she stumble upon some underground club without having to tick off Rarity? That's my two cents. I can't see a reason that would make her verbally attack a friend.

And no, that's not what I was saying at all, because I was referring to having the dialogue fragments connected. You did "Bla bla bla." Bla bla, "bla bla." I meant "Bla bla bla," bla bla, "bla bla bla."

Also, 'Rarity said' should come after the quote. Just a heads up.
>> No. 83697
Hey Trots, you reviewed my fic earlier ( >>81755 ) and I've since done a major re-work. Could you take another look at it?

Tags: [Shipping] [Adventure-ish]

Synopsis: Lem, a scientist from Manehattan, tampers with things he does not understand and sets two worlds on course for disaster. Now he, with the help of the mane 6, must find what went wrong and how to fix it.
And with a fracture to another world opened up, Equestria must now be ready for what lies on the other side: whether it be kind, cruel, or cryptic.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S9iTtBYBZ3gNsZxyiTTyW70iURvyIPJ00Bfz_MYalQw/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14OdNPIoKfIXbk_3u_xV58tgjkFiQRmIWRspZwE1LQNU/edit
>> No. 83700
That's a fair point, and it is hard to break off Twilight like that.

But I do need to distance Twilight from her friends and make her more of a loner than usual... Which would then make the idea of her taking the plunge into the freaky crossdressing / coltcuddling / marelicking / S&M / all around transgressive post-punk musical world really work.

Not to mention that Rarity as an upward mobile fashionista is the sort of person that the anarcho-socialist post-punk ponies would love to hate. So, Twilight would have to have some distance from Rarity to tolerate hanging out with them.

The storyline is that Twilight is thrust into this emotional hole that she has to have her friends dig her out of-- after the Ian guy hangs himself and the band implodes. Her dreams are shattered, but then her friends that she had abandoned come to rescue her.

Thanks for reading, regardless, but is there really nothing you can think of-- nothing that would make Twilight become a jerk in the beginning (and readers would buy it)?
>> No. 83704
File 132908880648.jpg - (30.38KB , 391x417 , S1234.jpg )
Free piece of advice without even reading your story:

1.) Twilight is a girl with serious authority issues, as in she really need to feel the approval of those above her.

2.) The reason why some dislike Rarity is because she can be overbearing at times, particularly in the subjects she is involved with.

Knowing both of these, make her friends really mess one of her attempts at impressing someone she would respect and use the idea of cheering her up to bring her there (Pinkie Pie perhaps? Maybe Twilight's natural curiosity?).

So, when faced with this ideology which both goes against what her friends, which made her fail and feel horrible, and X, who showed great disapproval and thus Twilight would like to justify to herself not caring about that opinion, she would jump into it just because it makes her feel better and it makes sense to her (otherwise known as the modus operandi of cults, which capture intellectuals all the time).

And thus, you get bitchy Twilight trying to prevent her own collapse joining a group of people that really go against everything that she used to be, then failing anyway because that sort of escapism never works.

And there you go.

Enjoy, I have other business to attend.
>> No. 83741
That makes a lot of sense. Thanks, since you've given me a mini-brainstorm.

I suppose X pony comes to Ponyville and Twilight is excited. Maybe, to keep the musical theme going, it's an arcane multi-instrumentalist / musical professor that Twilight idealizes. She meets him and things go well at first, but then Rarity shows up. She attempts to make a outfit for X but things go horribly wrong.

I'm reminded of this one musician who insisted on being buried with a musical tie (that plays from inside his coffin when you walk over his grave); I heard about it from Times Online. Anyways, Rarity attempts to magically produce musical clothing and she fails horribly. Perhaps Rarity's musical tie almost chokes X so much that his head pops off. Or it spins like a helicopter and makes him fly all above. Or it burns his chest. Or all three. (I'd imagine some other ones in the mane six participated in this screw up).

So, X is in the hospital. Twilight is rather pissed at Rarity and her other friends. She looks for new jams as a way to let off steam. I still want her to 'fall' into that one underground club accidentally though, by stepping into a big storm drain. I just like the way it feels (e.g. she's "down the rabbit hole").

Or is that too weird?
>> No. 83780

A step in the right direction, though I don't get why Twilight would go seeking out music to ease her anger.
>> No. 84186
File 132927418963.png - (94.44KB , 1992x1560 , hiResPony (1)-1.png )
Ahoy Trots, I hate to bother you with something you've already seen, but in short 1) You've probably saw my epic blunder in weeks past. 2) I have made some changes to the Pinkie P.I.E. story back in (79860) that I think you might find more to your liking. 3) If you could, I'd like you, if you can find the time to look at the story again, but if you could attack it more viciously than last time.
The reason behind my request is quite simple really: I sent it in to EqD in an attempt to redeem myself, and they said while they mostly liked it, it could use ONE more look at, before they publish it. Now I will try not to talk your ear off much more. All I want is one more review from you, if you can, I don't really care how long it takes, but I almost want you to make me cry when you finally get back to me. No holding punches. That's all except for two more side notes.
Note 1: The opening is still roughly the same with a few minor changes. I've had a hard time really altering it.
Note2: I've had a hard time finding a reason for Pinkie to grab the chicken suit BEFORE she leaves for the first time. I know it's pinkie pie, but even still...
That's about it, wether you accept this mission or not, I humbly thank you for your attention, and I wish you a good evening dear sir.
>> No. 84188
I almost forgot: would you like me to re-link the story? Sorry I'm still new to all this. I just came out of the stable just a few months ago, and I still am not aware of al lthe etiquitte of this great site.
>> No. 84232
File 132928482234.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

A link would be nice, thank you. Also, anything EqD pointed out would be a great help as well.

I can't promise going at you with raised fists; if I like a story, I sound positive. If I don't, I'm negative. I liked your story, so I praised it. I guess I can try to be harsher, though.

Now, current queue:
-Pinkamania (Still on hold blablabla)
-Night of the Werepony
-Not Your World (ROUND TWO)
-Pinkie P.I.E.

On the bright side, I finally finished creating an update to my fic today, so that's out of the way. On the downside, I'm planning on entering the fimfiction write-off, which will take a few days out of my time. I'll try and do a few reviews tomorrow to make up for it, though.
>> No. 84243
I'll think about it some more.

Thanks for the input.
>> No. 84250

There we go, that should work. As per usual, take your time, as I have many pony memes to construct, so that should keep me plenty busy. I await patiently, with eager anticipation.
Thank you very much for undertaking the project, your attention is MUCH appreciated.
>> No. 84267
*to keep me busy while you work,
I meant to say
>> No. 84650
File 132937997189.jpg - (8.51KB , 150x133 , my_little_pony_fim_vs_power_puff_girls_by_mattwo-d4nzrik.jpg )
Title: My Little Pony Friendship is Magic vs The Powerpuff Girls
Tags: [Crossover] [Humorous]
Synopsis: Professor Equonium creates the powerpuff ponies, as well as Pojo Jojo, but Mojo Jojo arrives in Equestria and tries to take advantage of the fact Pojo was still trusted by the professor in a scheme to defeat the Power Puff Girls and the wielders of the elements of harmony.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uqqZN4WNDSezhFPXp8ggADb7bnElUwfOw7nB-Bp3VrI/

I'm not 100% certain if Humorous is an actual EQD tag or not...

It's fairly short, but it's the only fic I've wrote that managed to meet the minimum word count so I really want to try to make this work...
>> No. 85248
Blabla life blabla contest entry blabla I'm sorry. Will get a review done ASAP.

Current queue:
-Pinkamania (Still on hold blablabla)
-Night of the Werepony
-Not Your World (ROUND TWO)
-Pinkie P.I.E.

I believe the tag you're looking for is [Comedy].
>> No. 85395
Hey. Since you've said that you'd like to read the next chapter of The Fall of Discord and that you helped me with its first chapter, I think I should share my thoughts with you - I don't really know if I'll manage to finish it.

Why? Well... I just realized that the story I have planned is kind of broken:

- The story will be composed of two parts: part 1 will be a sort of introduction to the characters and part 2 will have the main body of the struggle. Problem is, I still don't know exactly what I intend to write for part 2; I only know its ending. This is could be easily fixed with some planning, however it's conditioned by...

- Characters. I'll have to include, besides Candlelite, four more OCs. Two of them sound good to me. The other two... not so much. They'll probably seem forced and will have very poor characterization. Mostly because I have no idea with what to do with them. Even worse, even if I had an idea, I don't know how I'd pull it off. They'd be just ragdolls, sitting there to fill the role of major characters in a character-driven story. It just happens that sort of fuel doesn't work, no, no.

I'll still see what I can do (after I get through this writer's block I'm having on Ch.2, that is), but I'm having low expectations right now. Damn, I never knew writing a story longer than a couple pages could be this hard.
>> No. 85436
That seems to be quite a predicament you're in, good sir. I don't mean to undermine Trots here, but if you'd like an extra hand, you'll find I can help you puppeteer those "Rag Dolls" into a more favored marionettes that still fulfill a grand role. Just think on it is all I propose. I mean only the purest of good intentions.
>> No. 85993
File 132985244151.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

-Odd sentences, such as:

What is magic?

The unicorn wrote in large letters on the blackboard before facing the class.

-'Applebloom walked towards his brother'. And then Applebloom was a colt. Switch the pronoun.

-No need to capitalize after an ellipsis (three periods in a row).

-"That's very kind Miss Applejack, but I really have to go," Soarin said, now hovering just above the ground, "and I hope your family gets better soon." he added before taking off with impressive speed and style, leaving a signature Wonderbolt trail of smoke in his wake.

Second half needs rephrasing, since you ended that sentence with a period (and even if it had a cmma, it'd be a run-on).

-Referring to the other pony in dialogue (whether by name or title) should have a comma before it. For example: G’night sis --> G'night, sis.

-Lots of places where commas could be, but aren't.

-Numbers should be written out.

-Ah is not I, and therefore it doesn't need to be capitalized in the middle of a sentence. (You seem to switch on and off with this).

-No need to capitalize everything in “Okey Dokey Lokey!”


-'So what in God’s name made him even think about leaving?' That kind of statement doesn't really work in the MLP universe, unless there is a God in this alternate universe. In which case, that should be made clear; otherwise, rephrase the sentence.

-Great choice of radio song (though the line 'Just a small town mare, livin' in a lonely world' is off, rhymewise).

All in all, not bad. You make certain grammatical errors over and over, so you'll have to keep an eye out for those. Plotwise, it's fine, very many errors to point out. So far, it's probably a four out of five.
>> No. 86055
File 132987149994.jpg - (64.99KB , 600x600 , fs.jpg )

First of all, cheers for the review. I know you've been busy with the contest and all that, so I'm very grateful you took the time to have a look at my fic.
I do have some questions however, if you don't mind.

>Odd sentences, such as:

I don't know why that sentence is odd. I'm very new at writing so there are quite a few rules and such that I don't understand, mind going into a little more detail on why that is odd?

>And then Applebloom was a colt. Switch the pronoun.

Straight up derp there, thanks for pointing it out.

>No need to capitalize after an ellipsis

Does this work the same way as question marks? Also, when a thought ends with an ellipsis and continues into dialogue or normal text, do I capitalize that?

>Second half needs rephrasing, since you ended that sentence with a period (and even if it had a cmma, it'd be a run-on).

Would this be fixed if I ended the sentence on 'speed and style.' and used a comma at the end of the dialogue?

>Referring to the other pony in dialogue (whether by name or title) should have a comma before it.

I did not know this, thanks.

>Lots of places where commas could be, but aren't.

I think I'm going to need someone to help me with this. I've gone through it so many times and it seems the problem still persists. Now I'm regretting not linking you the google.doc I set up after making the initial post.

>Numbers should be written out.

Another thing I didn't know. Will fix.

>Ah is not I, and therefore it doesn't need to be capitalized in the middle of a sentence.

Hm, was not aware I made this mistake. I'll have to go back and check.

>No need to capitalize everything in “Okey Dokey Lokey!”

Ah, derp again.

>'So what in God’s name made him even think about leaving?' That kind of statement doesn't really work in the MLP universe, unless there is a God in this alternate universe.

Dammit... I'll have to go and change those. I'm pretty sure I used God quite a few times.

>You make certain grammatical errors over and over, so you'll have to keep an eye out for those.

Are these mostly punctuation or something else? I'm really very weak at grammar so sometimes I don't even realize the mistakes I am making even when I see them.

>Plotwise, it's fine, very many errors to point out.

I'm a little confused here, but if you wouldn't mind pointing out some errors such as plot holes or characters being OOC, I'd really appreciate it.

Sorry for the long reply, I understand if you don't feel like answering all these questions.

Anyways, I'm very flattered you would give me a 4 out of 5. And of course, many thanks for the review! Time to go back and read the thing again and again to try and pick out those pesky grammatical errors...
>> No. 86072
File 132987640770.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

>Odd sentences

Well, in the example I provided, what Twilight wrote and the action about it shouldn't be separated. The action sentence also seems off, but I can't quite put my finger on it. The odd sentences are all different from each other, so I can't really give you one end-all answer.

>Ellipsises and question marks

Yes, if a thought ends in an ellipsis, whatever comes after it is still capitalized. Not sure what you mean by the question mark thing, but if you're asking if you capitalize after a '...?', you do.

>Speed not style

Yes, that would work. However, doing it that way makes his exit seem a bit forced. You could end it after 'he added' and add another sentence for his departure, if you really want to drive it home.

>Grammatical errors

Yeah, most of the errors were punctuation wise, with the rest being structure wise.

>Very many errors

That was a typo on my part. I meant 'NOT very many errors.' Don't worry about it.
>> No. 86130
File 132989057211.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )
Pointed out most of the errors in the doc. Here's a few you keep making though, which I may or may not have pointed out.


-A lot of your sentences are borderline fragments, and could be merged with a previous sentence/expanded upon easily.

-The first word of a sentence is capitalized no matter what, even if it comes after an ellipsis.

-No need to capitalize sugarcube. That'd be like capitalizing 'hon'.

-You switch between, for example, everyone and everypony quite a bit.


-The only thing that really stuck out at me was, as a previous reader pointed out, that the wolf was waaaay too ungrateful to the pony that saved it. Possibly expand upon why it attacked Flutters.

All in all, pretty good, actually. The grammar errors didn't really detract from the story. The plot, while it's been done several times before, was definitely good. All in all, maybe 4.5 out of 5. Keep up the good work.
>> No. 86139
Okay, so Nightmare Date wasn't really your thing... what about the sequel?

Title: A Nightly Romance

Tags: Sad, Slice of Life, Romance

Synopsis: Princess Luna's illicit affair with an awkward young unicorn threatens to tear her relationship with her older sister apart. Her feelings for him-- which go all the way back to her days as Nightmare Moon-- remain stronger than ever. Yet the back and forth conflicts eat her up inside, and she can't help thinking that she's making terrible mistake after terrible mistake. Then, the unicorn and the alicorndeal with some shocking and surprising news.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_qej7AOpEvgvFbXe-sF5H9uHnFETsvto6tDf-cE5Xfs/edit

Other info: Well... I'm going to be honest and say that I expect you'll see all of the problems with Nightmare Date there, only worse. Or maye not... This sequel takes it as a given that Nightmare Moon reverted back to Princess Luna and that the Strawberry Dawn character is her coltfriend. The general plotline is that the two goddesses and the unicorn have to deal with the fact that love between an immortal being and a moral one is doomed to tragedy. This story is from the POV of Luna and Celestia, mostly, unlike the earlier story.

Of course, me being me, there's a choice of endings. Endings one through three have highly objectionable material. You can read them if you want, but... you probably shouldn't. Really. Stick to endings four and five.

This time, I'm putting things up as a google doc. So, please, litter it with as many comments as you'd like. :-)

Thanks again.
>> No. 86140
Okay, so here are the PG-rated endings to that story (ending four and ending five): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KBFCP7D4cueZ2NDUFCnxPPXCtQqEI-WIohfhstfPx2o/edit

If you were to read this on fimfiction, then you'd have an option for ending one (in which the power of Celestia on Luna on stallion sex turns the stallion immortal), ending two (in which Luna more or less murders Celestia, removing her wings in Cupakes style and attaching them to the stallion-- making him immortal), and ending three (featuring Liam Gallagher and other... weird appearances).

But you're not reading this on fimfiction! So... you don't have to worry about that. I'm only giving you the non-disturbing endings without sex and gore.

Thanks again for reading!
>> No. 86179
File 132992109344.png - (40.67KB , 231x229 , SagebrushAvatar.png )
Howdy. I always appreciate another set of eyes, and I wonder if you'd be willing to lend me yours.

Mine is the first chapter of a sequel to another story. If you're interested, this is the link to the original story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/487/In-Her-Majesty%27s-Royal-Service .

If you do not wish to read it, that is alright; however, it does introduce a few of the characters that appear in the document I would ask to be reviewed.

Now for the meat of it:

Title: From Canterlot with Love
Tags: [Adventure][Comedy]
Synopsis (Short 'n Sweet version): Guardsponies are given a mission to visit the lands outside of Canterlot.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qliQyKfLgZxMhDWRY96GmRYHg75HlJw2vBgCPzRYOMM/edit

The story itself is on fimfiction, but I've tried to sync the gdoc to its current iteration. I appreciate your thoughts and critiques.
>> No. 86182

Trots, consider yourself privileged. IHMRS was an excellent story, Sagebrush is a fine author, and he wants YOU to have a look at his latest work. Also, it's been a while since I've seen anything by him.

And, a very belated "hello" to both of you. Mr. McClure, it looks like you've been a fine reviewer despite little to no recognition from the rest of us.
>> No. 86197
I see you've followed up on that offer I made. Taking a peek into the story, you also seem to have patched up the comma issue. It's always nice to see a writer follow-up on advice.

And yeah, Trots, you got a good pick with this one. In terms of reviewing, it'll be a vacation to your normal fare, most likely.
>> No. 86237
First of all, thank you for your time (and the generous rating).

My only question is about the plot point you noted. I tried to revise it to make it seem like the wolf was hungry, and smelled food (aka pony), but I can see how that's a bit of a weak motivator for it. Do you have any suggestions to make this more apparent? Or, failing that, any suggestions to replace it with?
>> No. 86239

As the previous reader said, maybe noting that Fluttershy had the scent of rabbit on her would make a good motivation to a hungry wolf. Or, you could have her accidently do something to upset the wolf, like stepping on its tail and having it lash out at her in surprise.
>> No. 86245
I think I'll go with the scent thing. Thank you.

On another note, your comments were some of the clearest and easiest to work from that I've ever gotten on a fic. Props to you.
>> No. 86371
File 132998105136.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
-Not Your World (ROUND TWO) (Halfway done)
-Pinkie P.I.E. (ROUND TWO)
-A Nightly Romance
-From Canterlot With love

Exhaaausted. Night, erryone...
>> No. 86382

Been super busy these past days so haven't had a chance to go fix things up, but I got your review saved in a notepad.

Thanks mate.
>> No. 86529
File 133004000302.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )
Pointed out what I could in the docs. Look below for more common problems.


-You simply refuse to spell out numbers.

-Some sentences are missing words and spaces.


-Rarity is definitely OOC. She's not THAT vain. Applejack is borderline; you make her seem a little bit like a hick. Fluttershy is also leaning towards OOC, though I'm not quite sure why. Maybe she's a bit too bold.

All in all... you get a grand, resounding 'meh'. You fixed the awkward chapter transitions, and that's a huge plus, but the story just doesn't grip me in any way. It just feels like I'm reading about how a jerky, brainiac OC meets up with the mane six, and the world ending theme is just a subplot. You could try emphasizing the whole 'WORLD IS GOING TO END' thing, rather than his interactions with the main cast.
>> No. 86553
>the wolf was hungry, and smelled food (aka pony)

Wolves eat ponies? That's news to me.
>> No. 86565
File 133004442203.jpg - (35.57KB , 497x310 , 3f5caec9-6ec3-4f7f-9f93-c834ab50c0a6-1.jpg )
When challenged with a hunger, a wolf will go to any lengths to capture prey, regardless of what it is. It just so happes that pony just happened to be on the menu.
>> No. 86570
File 133004493651.jpg - (28.41KB , 388x290 , 132945669453.jpg )
I see you, spammer!
>> No. 86577
File 133004591051.jpg - (143.26KB , 500x375 , swiper-lie-down.jpg )
Maybe one more?

Title: Under Every Lamppost

Tags: Romance, Comedy, Slice of Life

Synopsis: An unemployed stallion with no future, a lovesick foal, a shifty criminal, and a phobic nerd find themselves drawn into one of the singing groups popping up under Ponyville's lampposts. Despite their differences, they have this magical chemistry together. They hope that success will help them all out. Things get totally out of control. Yet they get a taste of having their wildest dreams come true.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T4hKqrfg0cfufOO57w8o7NwOoZCIm-IFxv6eTUJlxnM/edit

Extra details: This is written in first person, but that 'first person' changes from chapter to chapter. I think that this lets me get the best of both worlds, but please let me know if you think it just doesn't work. This also has a more 'personal' and 'conversation' tone than most of what I've written. To be honest, I think this has been the most enjoyable thing I've ever written (or one of the most enjoyable).

Story wise, it's pretty simple. Four colts start a doo-wop group that's based out of Sugarcube Corner. They get kind of famous. They have Pinkie Pie as a manager / cheerleader / muse / all around. It's pretty much just: "Jersey Boys in Equestria".

Lynne = in love with Pinkie, baritone, co-lead singer
Ruby = in love with Sweetie Belle, tenor, co-lead singer
Patter = in love with stallion TBA (I'd like suggestions on that), countertenor, songwriter and backup singer
Blackberry = in love with mare TBA (I'd like suggestions on that too), bass, backup singer

Something that's not clear yet in the story (but will be clear in later chapters) is that Blackberry is really nerdy, really awkward, and barely able to function as a stallion due to his social phobias (he can't walk past a stack of papers without sorting them, he can't step the 13th step, etc). Patter is a mild-psychopath with a thick criminal record. Yet he's basically a good colt with a bad history (a physically and emotionally abusive father and a mother that 'loved' him, but the kind of love that you smoke cigarettes afterward).

Thank you!
>> No. 86587
Noted and duely corrected. Not sure how it hapened, but I apoligze for that.
>> No. 86595
Apologize, even
>> No. 86642
File 133005679845.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )


-The first two paragraphs in your story are indented a liiiiittle too much.

-Missing commas here and there.

-Many,many, many, MANY run-ons.

-"You're old pal Pinkie Pie is on the case!"
You're old pal
NO. That's like saying you are old pal Pinkie Pie. If you really have trouble deciding between you're and your, say the sentence aloud with your and you are.

-Thoughts should be italicized.


-I recommend just calling Pipsqueak, Pipsqueak (at least once, anyway). Since you never call him anything but Pip, someone might mistake him for an OC.

-Police Chief Rainbow Dash kinda comes outta nowhere.

Agh... I'm going to be honest, I couldn't get far before giving up. To be perfectly blunt... I am extremely dissapointed. This was so, so, SO good the last time I read it, but now it's just a horrible mishmash of run-on after run-on after run-on (not to mention other errors). The first time I read this, I couldn't put it down; this time, I had to stop every couple paragraphs. All I can ask is... how? How did it all go so wrong?
>> No. 86646
Is it just me, or does this link lead to a 404?

It sounds like a fun fic, and I wanted to read it just to read it (not review it or anything)...
>> No. 86649

It's working for me, but it just takes me to a blank document. It's a shame, but until I get the real thing, I'm gonna have to take this out of the queue. I was looking forward to readin' it, too. Awwww...
>> No. 86662
File 133006037504.jpg - (11.95KB , 256x256 , 3317_256.jpg )

First time posting on a /chan. I hope I replied in the right place!

Here's one I have high hopes for. It's my Doctor Whooves family fic.


"'John Smith' has settled in Ponyville with his wife and two daughters for many peaceful years. When the TARDIS gets a temporal distress call, Doctor Whooves and his family find themselves lost in time. Now Derpy must contend with not only monsters and maniacs, but the future and past versions of her husband! "
>> No. 86670
Just curious: Who did the image to that fic? Do they do images like that a lot or are they special comission type things?

*Hopes Mr. McClure doesn't mind me being in this thread a lot*
>> No. 86675

Oh, no, at this point I'm waiting for them to deliver my customized signpost. It says 'Beware the guard Swiper'.

I kid, I kid. Also, think I'm done with reviews for the night. Catch y'all later.
>> No. 86735
File 133009007110.png - (130.80KB , 945x945 , 1329956518463.png )
Hey Trots,
I would want you to review everything I have so far and mainly I ask for honest review. Plus after I will improve all my errors (Currently on advice of another reviewer reading more books so I improve my vocabulary and writing style) how could I boost my publicity?

Title - Drop of Chaos

Synopsis - For a second time Discord is trapped and while he may seem immobile, his mind is still active and bored. But something went wrong when the Mane 6 imprisoned him and he gained interesting abilities. He can use them to create anything, his little world, bunnies, even chocolate milk. What will Discord do? Will he be able to finally enjoy some Chaos? (Basically Discordception)

Rating - Teen

Tags - Alternate Universe, Comedy, Adventure, Unfinished

Link - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8119/Drop-of-Chaos
>> No. 86755
Honestly, a large part of the point of fanfiction is to write stories about characters and settings created by others. That doesn't mean that all MLP stories need to aspire to episode-like status, but it does mean that you need to justify writing about these characters by making them identifiably these characters. I haven't read your story, but I'm not opposed to the idea of "Rainbow Dash as a police chief", provided she's both a police chief and Rainbow Dash, and not just some other character wearing RD's skin (inb4cupcakesrefs).

Look at the best stories in this fandom. After losing a fight about that, look at the most popular ones. Fallout: Equestria is far removed from the tone of the show, and makes all of the mane 6 government officials in wartime. If people have a problem with your characterisations, it's not because you're putting characters into roles that we're not used to in canon, it's because you're not making those characters act like themselves. Again, I haven't read your story, but your post moved me to say something.

If you're going to write a story about Rainbow Dash, you should write a story about Rainbow Dash. If you're going to change her personality to a great degree without sufficient justification, make the story about your own character instead.

All that said, don't write more pony stories if you don't want to. Original fiction and other fandoms can be fun too.
>> No. 86781

The story is called Pursuits.

It's about two Humans, Sam Richards and Matthew Smith. Sam is a so-called "Backyard Scientist" who has recently invented the "Molecular Replacement Device". With it, Sam can create life from the humble plastic figurine, like an Action Man, for example, as long as it's shape is remotely similar to those found on Earth. Matt is his room-mate and designated contraption builder. Both men are bronies.

Comments are enabled, go nuts.
>> No. 86782
It's probably worth mentioning that it's not finished, accounting for the apparent lack of pony, and also that I can literally carry it on forever, if I so choose. More chapters will come. Promise.
>> No. 86790

Apparantly I missed something? Kiki was upset? I dunno.

Anyway, since you're willing to come back for a third try, I ask this of you: Turn the comments on. I want to go full-review on this and turn it back into what it once was.

Also, and I'm not trying to be offensive, but you never did answer my question. How did everything go wrong? I simply must know.
>> No. 86814
You know what, Trots? Scratch >>85395 ! I think I just found a way to make it work!

I sure hope I don't slip over anything stupid on my way :D

Polite sage for posting something that is, to an extent, irrelevant to the thread
>> No. 86840
File 133012105676.jpg - (11.95KB , 256x256 , 3317_256.jpg )
I photoshopped that under the guidance of my wife. The moment I had the idea in my head I knew I wanted something that looked like a BBC DVD cover.
>> No. 86842
Hmmm, interesting.
>> No. 86852
Before we go round three, I would feel a lot better if you gave me a day to go on a run-on massacre. As previously noted, I've scrapped the beginning, applied a newer one, and am now routing the rest of these caddish run-ons into extinction.

Here's what I think happened: You did EXACTLY what I asked you to. All in all, nothing changed save the beginning, it's just now that you aren't so enthralled i the story, its flaws became disgustingly obvious to you.

SO now, I'm attempting to ammend my mistakes, because, out of every single person I've shown this story to, not a single one as disliked the STORY. It's just that I am a degenerate when it comes to writing and grammar.

Also, I'm trying to make it so that PC Rainbow Dash doesn't just come out of no where, and trying to give her some more presentation. I'm also trying to incorporate more of her Canon attitude, however, I think I have most of that pretty pinned. I have her cockiness, her bravery, her loyalty (sorta :P) ect.

Comments should be on, but with the way my tech is working, I wouldn't be surprised if we ran into some difficulties. You're more than welcome to peek in while I mend and fix, but as always I need to find the mistakes you pointed out, and fix them.

That's what I think went wrong here, because if you REALLY look, nothing has really been changed except a comma here, bold there, and italic thoughts as of late. I'm going to fix this. I made a promise that I would actually do something with myself, and with these stories I write, and gosh darnit, I'm going to at least make this one a fun read for everypony.
>> No. 86865

I guess I didn't go far enough, because I definitely don't remember those many run-ons. Take your time, mate, I'll be around for the finished product.
>> No. 86919
File 133014170694.jpg - (101.34KB , 500x629 , 9e06fe08-3c68-4592-8207-0b5aa61e81f0-1.jpg )
Alright, Trots. I'm ready for round three. Ready? Fight!
(Will you need a new link or will you reuse >>84250 )
>> No. 87144
y this thread so dead?
>> No. 87155
Here's a story of mine that has gone through two EqD rejections. They said my story has "deficiencies in sentence structure and word choice" and that "nearly every sentence contains examples of poor or simply bizarre structure."

I've even had review and help from Isphone. I was a tad frustrated with this, but I'm still not giving up on my fic. So, I would appreciate whatever help/advice you can give me, specifically with those problems I listed.

Title: Skating Lessons
Tags: [Shipping] [Comedy]
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash decides to overlook the humdrum in her job as weathermare with some extreme fun in the snow, but instead comes across Pinkie Pie doing something less extreme. With nothing else for pastime, Rainbow, for secret reasons, joins her in a seemingly boring activity that will teach her more than mere ice skating lessons.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nwn3PcGbIxubbtpB-QD43R2bvofcc4UpeaVkZFyFxgU/edit
>> No. 87171

-Pinkie P.I.E. (ROUND TWO)
-A Nightly Romance
-From Canterlot With love
-Under Every Lamppost
-The Three Whooves
-Drop of Chaos
-Skating Lessons

-Pinkamania (Doubt the author is coming back.)
-MLP vs PPG (The link you provided goes to an empty page.)


Nope, it's still view only. Going to skip ahead in the queue until comments are enabled. Don't take offence, but I really wanna go all out on that story.
>> No. 87221
ALright, I believe I've set it so that it can be commented on. Although, I have been becoming less enthusiastic. Failure does not ride with me well, but I can't get better if I don't man up and just take it and learn.
>> No. 87274

I've been looking for a reviewer for a story I have in the works, and your name happened to be the one I picked out at random. My eventual goal is to get this story onto Equestria Daily, and your record speaks for you.

Title: To Outlive You
Tage: Sad, Comedy
Synopsis: Dragons live for thousands of years, while ponies rarely pass a century. Spike and Twilight both know this, but don’t discuss it. Until fate forces the issue.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uKv7_w8Zd75Hi5Dydm491D7E7xzMow9lRJsWrFisUDs/edit

My biggest concerns are plot, pacing, and characterization: Is the plot of each chapter and the story as a whole believable? Is it cliche? Is the story progressing too fast or too slow? Am I writing the characters in character, or am I diverging from established characterization?

I'm not overly worried about grammatical errors--as a former English Major, I believe in self-editing and I'm fairly confident in my grammar nazism (though if you find anything feel free to wave it in front of me and laugh).

Comments are enabled on gDocs, so please feel free to crucify this as you will.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

>> No. 87301
1) Title: A Rose Reverie

2) Tags: Sad, Bittersweet

3) Synopsis: After a mysterious event, Pinkie Pie is placed in an insane asylum by her friends. The focus of the story is Pinkie finally realizing the truth she's been denying for years.

4) Misc stuff: I just got my second rejection letter from Equestria Daily, and apparently, I'm really damn close.

In a nutshell, the pre-reader couldn't find any technical flaws (or at least he didn't mention them); the main problem with the story seems to be that it's confusing. When I submitted my story, I sent it in the first two chapters out of seven. In this case, I'm giving you the whole story.

Above anything else, I'd like to know if the pacing is good; that is to say, do you believe the reason why Pinkie is in the asylum is explained well enough. Also, I need to know if you think the way I reveal that information is good. Currently, it's a gradual reveal; each chapter gives a few more details about what happened.

Also, the very first part of the fic is a courtroom scene. This scene was added at the suggestion of a friend; it's meant to give a little more explanation as to why Pinkie is in the asylum, since the pre-readers didn't understand. After reading the whole fic, would you let me know if you think the courtroom scene should be taken out or not?

Thanks in advance, looking forward to hearing what you think.

PS: Even though the story is labeled in chapters, it's actually going to be a one shot when I resubmit it to EqD. The chapter breaks were just to separate certain plot elements.

Also, I'm now on my third and final try for submitting to EqD, so I really need a thorough review. Please don't hesitate to call me out on anything, especially if you agree with the pre-readers (in that it's confusing).



>> No. 87355
File 133037996638.png - (30.64KB , 945x945 , Derpy.png )
I just skimmed through your post to try and find a grammatical flaw.

Well, bugger.
>> No. 87462

Not to say I told you so--oh, who am I kidding? I did ruddy tell you so. >:-D
>> No. 87469
Alright, Trots, I got your comments as of late, and I only have two requests:
For the 'While' and the ',' Could you specify what paragraphs those are in?

You keep saying my opening is too forced... I'm not really sure how to fix it... Suggestions?

Yes, I know I'm on your thread here, but docs keeps crashing on me right now, and I can only edit it here from my mobile device. Thank you for your help on this.
>> No. 87501

I just did a little reviewing before bed, I'm not even close to finished. I'll cover any questions when I'm finished.

And sorry for the wait, but I'm incredibly busy lately. This goes for everyone.
>> No. 87505
Take your time, mate--I understand that life happens. I'm just glad to have another set of eyes on this story.
>> No. 87508
Also, I probably should have said this earlier, but if you want to comment on the story yourself, please do. I know Trots is busy, and I always welcome another set of eyes on the story.
>> No. 87565
File 133043915749.png - (94.44KB , 1992x1560 , hiResPony (1)-1.png )
Yeah, Trots, personal life first, then worry about reviews later. You're the one providing the service to me, so you need not apologize, I can wait and skim as needed, and if anyone else would like to take a look as well, they're more than welcome to skim with me while you handle life.

The link's at >>84250

DO take your time. I'm not going anywhere until we have this back to the greatest we had it at.
>> No. 87938
File 133056729983.jpg - (123.40KB , 1200x1125 , 62589 - artist-tsukamoto-san crying rain rose sad twilight_sparkle.jpg )
This is a sad fic I have been working on and I wish to put it before you for judgement
Title: Reconciliation
Tags: Sad
Description: Over 50 years after the events of the show, Twilight Sparkle returns to Ponyville, now a bustling city, to meet with her friends one last time. As she travels through the city, making her way to the meeting place, she is flooded with memories of her friends and their lives....


I have finished 2 chapters and wish to get feedback to know if this is good enough...
thank you! ^^
>> No. 87945
Not to nitpick, but...

Over 50 years after the events of the show,

should be

Over fifty years after the events of the show,

It's always good practice to spell out large numbers like that.
>> No. 87982
XD omg i forgot to correct that. When i put it up on fimfiction like 50 people told me that
>> No. 87985
File 133057651993.png - (113.05KB , 794x657 , 132808552284.png )
>> No. 88214
Just an update to let y'all know that I should have the time tomorrow for reviewing some fics.

Also, the current queue:

-Pinkie P.I.E. (ROUND TWO)
-A Nightly Romance
-From Canterlot With love
-Under Every Lamppost
-The Three Whooves
-Drop of Chaos
-Skating Lessons
-To Outlive You
-A Rose Reverie

(Gulp. Dat backlog. Anyway, have a nice night everypony, and a happy Derpy Day too.)
>> No. 88259
File 133066073882.png - (64.68KB , 400x301 , e89fb599-aeee-42d0-bd07-e65a93d424b1-1.png )
Well... I'll let the picture take it from here... :)
>> No. 88261
YAY! I get mine reviewed...last. hmm.
>> No. 88262
YAY! I get mine reviewed...last. hmm. how long does it take to review each fic on average?
>> No. 88263
File 133066127520.png - (146.99KB , 461x290 , 71511 - applejack fluttershy not_sure_if_want pinkie_pie rainbow_dash rarity season_2 twilight_s.png )
YAY! I get mine reviewed...last. hmm. how long does it take to review each fic on average?
>> No. 88267
File 133066207306.png - (138.83KB , 830x534 , Look at this clown.png )

While it varies depending on length, most of my reviews are very fast. It's just life getting in the way that's kept everypony from getting their work reviewed. Don't worry, it won't be too long before I get to ya, provided life doesn't tackle me again.

Also, you seem to have posted this three times. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
>> No. 88376
that is odd, my computer only shows once...
>> No. 88420

Remember me?

Yeah, Chapter 1.3 is finally up. Revisioned the fucker three times. Took me a month because of work and stuff.

Read books from Dostoevsky, Carl Young, Thales from Miletus, Nietzche, Lovecraft, George Orwell and more from my School Library. two books each week. I hope the changes in my grammar and syntax are apparent.

I also found what to do with the story. And I have written the sypnosis for chapter 2 and 3.

Its good to be back.

[Title] Beneath the fields of heaven Chapter 1.2
[Tags] Adventure, Human in Equestria, Mythology
[Chapters] Chapter 1.2 is here if you need. I have briefly glanced at those and haven't made any important revisions. That will change when if I try to apply for EqD, at which point I will rework all of it. : https://docs.google.com/document/d/13__JJxbfiIv3DC6Xa1WEzQVhFVamG553mWVENvfgGX8/edit
Chapter 1.3 https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sk2MThbp-j8PM1o9_662ALFqWhT5nMUYp1bwabkFWg/edit

Fim Fiction Link (reccomended for regular viewing): http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5969/Beneath-the-fields-of-heaven.
>> No. 88465
i think it moves to fast i just need a second opinion oh and it's my first writing
[Title] high school is magic
[Tags] Human mane 6 second person high school drama friendship romance
[Chapters] so far just one
>> No. 88477
Blegh. Starting to come down with something, and I gotta get up early tomorow. But I told myself I'd do at least one review today, so here we are.


Pointed out what I could in the doc. Look below for more common errors.


-While it's improved to the point where I don't want to throw the story away, run-ons are still abounding all over the story. Lemme give you a couple hints:

*If a sentence has three fragments, it's usually only a fragment if you use wods like 'but' or 'and' more than once. (P.S., You do this a LOT. Take it easy on the ands.)
*If a sentence has four fragments, it's more often than not a run-on, but some can be pulled off well.
*If a sentence has five or more fragments, it's almost guaranteed that it's a run-on.

-As stated earlier, you use 'and' waaaay too much. This is a big cause of the run-ons.

-You seem determined to place an action sentence after every line of dialogue. Just to let you know, so long as it's clear who's speaking, you don't always have to follow up with an action.

For example:

"I can't believe you just said that," Rainbow Dash groaned. "What the hay is wrong with you?" she continued, rolling her eyes.

"I can't believe you just said that," Rainbow Dash groaned. "What the hay is wrong with you?"

The former is what you do through the entire story, and the latter is a version that might be more aesthetically pleasing. Whether you want to work on this or not is up to you, however.

-You could try spicing up your speaking action sentences a little. The only words you seem to know are 'said, continued, started, replied'.

-There's a lot of sentences that just sound off to me. Those ones should probably be rephrased or redone.

-There's some paragraphs that could easily be split in two. I pointed out one, for example.

-While I usually chastise people for not using enough commas, you seem to use too many commas. Also a contributing factor to run-ons.

-You seem to switch on and off between italicizing thoughts or not. Thoughts should always be italicized.


-Not really anything I can complain about.

In conclusion, all your errors are purely grammatical. Of these errors, run-ons and abusing action sentences seem to be your biggest issues. The story has improved to the point where I could read it all the way through, but it's still nowhere near where it once was. Still, you got it right once, and I have faith you can do it again.
>> No. 88478

I'm not goin' anywhere near this one. Denied.
>> No. 88482
>> No. 88509
File 133078428479.png - (125.21KB , 457x342 , d4b0e942-f676-43c4-83d6-9bb66e912b4e-1.png )
Yes, you're right on these, and I'm in the middle of hitting everything you've commented on in the doc. But if I may, I'd simply like to make a point, if you don't mind.

I don't think it was ever really that great to begin with. Now, hear me out. Round one: I asked you to read a story, noting more.

Round Two: I asked you what we could do to make it EqD ready, and nearly made your eyes bleed.

Round Three: We got somewhere, and I'm making due corrections as they are needed.

See where this is going? Nothing has really changed. If anything the grammar, the word usage, ect. were all FAR worse in the original copy. However, the magic has seemed to lose its sparkle, and that's why you have given the first reading such a high place.

Of course, I don't mean to undermine you, or your opinion, but that's what I truly think. Let me give you an example:

You have a favorite movie that you absolutely love to watch. You watch it at least once a day. But don't you think that after a month or even a few months, you would eventually get bored? That's what I think happened here. That isn't to say I won't work to make it look and flow better, I'm just saying that the fun has not been doubled.

That's all... now back to work. Thank you very Much Trots for your time and patience. Let me know if you ever need replacement eyes from all those edits on my story. I'll gladly pay for them.
>> No. 88542
Not that I disagree with Trots, but maybe you should post the story in the training grounds or someplace like that. See what someone coming on cold would think.
>> No. 88549

-You use 'and then' a lot, which tends to weaken much of your sentence structure.

-Related to the above, you also abuse 'then' pretty dang hard.

-Lots of mispellings/incorrect word choice.

-Stop capitalizing after ellipsises (...s).

-Speaking of ellipsises, you abuse them pretty hard, too. Celestia's thoughts are drowning in them.

-Don't go full caps for emhpasis. Lowercase them and bold.

-Italicize your sound effects.


-I'm pretty sure Luna's meet-up with her coltfriend in the park could be handled better than giving an in-depth description of their making out. Eugh.

-I skimmed the ending pretty hard, so you're gonna have to explain to me why the hay Celestia is out and about anyway. You'd think she would be upset about being imprisoned, too.

-Celestia is a total pervert, considering how long she watches their park antics. Just sayin'. (And later on she becomes Celestislut. Have some decency, your majesty.)

I read chapters one and two, after which I skimmed number three. I can safely say my interest isn't held at all. It just feels like I'm reading about the... well, for lack of a more appropriate word, 'romantic escapades' of Celestia, as well as her sister and Luna's coltfriend. Grammarwise, you make the same mistakes over and over and over, as well as mispelling/misusing a bunch of words.

Ignoring the plot for a second, I don't think this would be too bad if you hit your grammar errors hard. Plotwise, eh, still not that interesting, but fixing the grammar would maybe entice me to keep going.
>> No. 88550

Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. I'll tell you this though, I never would have praised it so hard in the first place if there wasn't anything worthy of praise.

Swiper speaks the truth, a second opinion might help.
>> No. 88554
Thanks for the review.

No offense, but I kind of feel like... I know that you don't like clop, and of course that's perfectly understandable and perfectly reasonable. Yet I really like to be detailed about the shipping in a way that dances close to the line of clop but still isn't clop. There's kissing. There's hoof-holding. Implied sex leads to talk about marriage and kids. Ponies feel lustful. It goes on.

I don't know. Am I wasting your time? If this kind of romance just isn't your thing at all and inherently doesn't interest you, then I completely understand.
>> No. 88555

To me, there's a fine line between heavy shipping and clopclopclop. Kissing, hoof-holding, and implied sex are all fine. I really, really, don't want to read about Luna trailing a line of saliva down her coltfriend after their heavy make-out session, though. While not exactly clop, it isn't very pleasant to read about, not is it pleasant to imagine.

In brief, what you're going for probably won't interest me. If a few things were toned down, then yeah, I'd probably enjoy it.
>> No. 88557
I hope that I'm not coming across as mad or anything (I'm really not). Sorry. I'm just saying that: If you don't like pervert-Celestia or stuff like that, then I won't bug you with it.
>> No. 88560

You don't really sound mad. But I ask you, why does Celestia even have to be promiscuous in the first place? Heck, I'd find her more enjoyable if you changed 'I've bedded dozens and dozens of stallions' to 'I've enjoyed the company of a stallion, occasionally.'

But how you portay her is your decision. It's not like her love life is canon, but I don't see a matriarchal figure being so forward. That's my personal opinion, but I'm sure somepony won't mind your version. That person won't be me, however.
>> No. 88573
Okay, I guess I'll just strictly keep my romantic stuff out of this thread. Sorry. Thanks for all of your advice about the structural type things, all the same.

As for the next story, Under Every Lamppost, that's... well... I guess there might be oblique sexual references in there. I think there's nothing explicit. It was meant much, much more as a slice of life thing. It's about the friendship between these four guys.
>> No. 88604
We'll see. I'm going to make like geodude and use rock polish until this story sparkles. Then I'm going to throw it at EqD. If they send it back, then.... I don't know. To be honest, this story was never even supposed to be written. However, a friend requested I write a story involving mystery. Oddly enough, you seemed to take a liking to it. I don't know why. I don't know how. But I gave you a story you particularly liked. That I will not question.

I guess the truth is, my ventures in writing are based on two ideals or goals if you will. 1. Prove to myself that somepony could actually like my stories. 2. Finally contribute to something for once. I absolutely hate not doing anything, but still coattailing on an idea, group ect.
>> No. 88627
File 133083535734.jpg - (19.93KB , 480x270 , YOU-WILL-BELIEVE-A-PONY-CAN-BE-MOE.jpg )
Hello, this is the first fic I've ever put out to... anyone really. I'm honestly a bit nervous... I've always been a better persuasive writer than storyteller. But I figured I may as well submit this to see what I can improve.


(Google Docs/comments enabled)

Synopsis: After destroying the town hall in 'The Last Roundup,' Derpy Hooves is trying to keep her job as the town mailmare. Together the Mane 6 agree to help her, but how much control do they really have over Derpy's future?

Warning: I wrote this as an allegory (probably not the type of story you have rolling through here all the time). I'm looking mostly for stylistic points and plot holes, But if you do/don't get the allusions, that might be a nice thing to know.

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say!
>> No. 88645
More than just titling the google doc, you should edit inside the document itself...

Then, it'll say:
Derpy Hooves' Bad Day
Chapter One
By SpringAnonFabulous

(I don't know your name. I just made that up)
>> No. 88730
Thanks for the tip!
>> No. 89243
I am looking for someone to do a quick edit of my story. I have edited it a few times over myself finding something every time. I would just like to make sure everything is A OK before I send it off to EQD. Check it out here - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14249/1/Family-Relations/#chapter_box
>> No. 89522
Hey, I'm back! Not with the Fall of Discord, though. I'm only going back to it after I get the planning at 100%. Unfortunately, school has been eating a lot of time, lately. I still got some free time, though, some of which was used with attempts at being productive.

Thing is, a week ago, I had a dream related to ponies and TF2 while I was having a really bad cold. So... I thought that developing a bit on that dream would be a nice writing exercise. And, since it's pony-related and all that, I figured I could come here to get some feedback on my writing.

Name: Battle in the Dark
Tags: ??? Heck, even I'm not sure...
Synopsis: A guy finds himself inside a pitch-black cave, where he meets two equines he's supposed to help and an Australian.
LINKY!: https://docs.google.com/document/d/135CoH7MLRSSLykvy4n63WI54OnFeFJBTom7LQxsuenw/edit

Here's the doc. Since it was based on a dream, it's pretty much possible it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I tried to connect some parts and add some more stuff. Oh, and I'm not exactly sure on what category tags I should select. After all, it's just an experiment/exercise and based on a dream.

Also, one thing I'd like to ask: am I exaggerating on the body language? I'm not too sure if I'm putting too much focus on that. If I am, how can I compensate to avoid writing too little and fall flat on the "tell" side?
>> No. 89684
File 133117410909.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )

There truly isn't much for me to say here. It wasn't without its errors, but this has to be the most grammatically correct story I've been handed so far. Everything I noticed has been pointed out in the document, but here's a couple things I have issue with:

-One of your characters pretty much speaks in all-caps. Typically, all-caps should be lowercased and bolded. However, since this is a special case, I'm not sure whether to let it slide or not.

-Double-spacing after sentence stops. I know it's a stylistic choice, but I couldn't keep myself from constantly checking for this. To me, it made sentences look a little odd, but that's just my personal opinion.

All in all, not bad. I never got the chance to look at the previous story, so sadly, I must admit that I feel like I was missing out on a lot. Still, in my opinion, you should have this reviewed by someone else, both to cover some more advanced topics and because I feel my reviewing talents aren't sufficient enough to properly do a story like this justice. Whether you follow through on this or not is your decision.
>> No. 89690
File 133117462436.png - (40.67KB , 231x229 , SagebrushAvatar.png )

Regarding caps, I'm not sure I've heard a rule regarding their replacement with bold; however, the use of caps is not with precedence in published works. As a ready example, I will refer to the character of Death in Terry Pratchett's work.

Anyways, I appreciate your thoughts.
>> No. 89693
File 133117514895.png - (40.67KB , 231x229 , SagebrushAvatar.png )
Not without, that is to say.
>> No. 90314
Been really busy, writing-wise. One of my own stories is long overdue for an update, been working on a side story for someone's collection, and I'm also taking part in the /fic/ write-off. Expect the earliest date for a new review to be sometime around Monday, if not later.

-Under Every Lamppost
-The Three Whooves
-Drop of Chaos
-Skating Lessons
-To Outlive You
-A Rose Reverie
-Beneath the Fields of Heaven
-The Final Chapter of Derpy Hooves
-Battle in the Dark
>> No. 90382
File 133145633562.jpg - (43.83KB , 251x250 , PinkiePie_censored (My Little Pony).jpg )
Oh, dude, take whatever time you feel is right. It's cool.
>> No. 90414
Status acknowledged.
S'okay. I can wait, I have all the time in the world for that. Meanwhile, I guess I'll just, sigh, see if I can make some progress with a work due tomorrow.
>> No. 91173
Could the authors of..
-Under Every Lamppost
-The Three Whooves
-Drop of Chaos

Repost their links at the bottom?
>> No. 91175



There ya go, mate. Also, a little info for you all: It wasn't bad enough that life is attacking me, but my computer ended up getting attacked by a virus, too. With my computer in the shop (this is being typed on a borrowed one), I decided to let another reviewing friend of mine help y'all out. This is Landee, and he'll be happy to assist while I'm out of commission.

If there's any objections, feel free to say so, and Landee will skip you and let me handle you once I'm back in the game.
>> No. 91180
I went ahead and revised the story based on the very helpful comments of my last reviewer.

See: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qL527q3oHk2FUXeWZA-K_fyJ2NMJeMklmVAZX03-fv8/edit

For the latest version.

>> No. 91181
To clarify, this is the: Under Every Lamppost story
>> No. 91354
Change of plans: Can you go ahead and just drop me completely from the thread? Thanks.
>> No. 91369
As you wish.
>> No. 91374
Uh... can you uncancel that cancel? Never mind about what I just posted, I'm still interested in seeing what you think. Please go ahead and review.

>> No. 91729

This is a short story I wrote in a span of actually only several hours, but it already seems to be one of my better works. If possible, I'd like you to review it, because I would like to expand on it to make it even better than it already is. Some details about it:

"After nearly causing the potential death of her closest friend -- at least according to herself -- Rainbow Dash cuts off communication with society in general, refusing to forgive herself, even though nopony else had blamed her in the first place. After most ponies had given up, can the 'friend' at the heart of the issue resolve it?"

Sad, Slice of Life

Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie

Additional note: when you get to the story, you'll notice that I say in the description to change your background color to dark; that's because I've become known for color-coding my dialogue, and changing the background color makes it easier to read. If you do review my story, I would like to thank you now for your time.
>> No. 91766
Sorry to intrude on your thread Mr McClure but I feel the need to address this.

I'm not sure why colour-coding dialogue seems so prevalent these days. But really, asking readers to change their background for people in order to read your story comes off as arrogant. (I was actually going to read the story out of curiosity and maybe give a mini-review but by god the colour coding just turns me right off.)

This is not a RP where colour coding ostensibly helps to differentiate different players/characters. This is a written work and using colours comes off as amateurish at best. At worst, it appears to be a lazy attempt to not use the narrative to help identify speakers.

If you'd like to improve on your writing, (and I think you want to, otherwise why would you be posting here?) then I suggest you lose your coloured dialogue post haste. Being "known" for colour coding is not an excuse.
>> No. 91801
First things first, I need to say three things:
1. There is a necrophilia reference in the story, along with some heavy profanity following said reference.
2.I have no idea if I've posted the story here or not. If I have, and in the event that you've turned it down for #1, then kindly ignore this post.
3. German is my native language, and there will inevitably be grammatical errors as a result thereof. Please kindly compensate for this.

Title: September

Tags: Sci-Fi, Adventure, Grimdark, Post apocalypse, Not Fallout Equestria

Synopsis: Yes, it's another post apocalyptic fanfic. A pony suffering from amnesia wakes up in a barren, hostile wasteland but quickly finds even more hostile life outside said wasteland. This story documents his struggle to survive.

>> No. 91804
Well, it's only a problem if done gratuitously, which seems to be the case.
>> No. 92783
File 133260969291.png - (133.96KB , 828x535 , And then I srs'd the buck up.png )
Alright then, my computer's fixed (for the most part), I've got nothing else to do, and I've got an insanely long queue.

*Crack knuckles*.

Let's do this.

Current queue:
-Under Every Lamppost
-The Three Whooves
-Drop of Chaos
-Skating Lessons
-To Outlive You
-A Rose Reverie
-Beneath the Fields of Heaven
-The Final Chapter of Derpy Hooves
-Battle in the Dark
-Unlike Herself

Going to try and address the people who have waited the longest first, but shorter stories will get priority (for obvious reasons)
>> No. 92788
File 133261134497.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-You capitalize after ellipsises occasionally when you shouldn't.

-You use 'and', 'then', and 'and then' a lot. Consider removing some instances of that and swapping them out for something smoother.

-Using all caps for emphasis is weak. Use bold or italics, instead.


-I find it a bit odd that a random stallion bursting into song suddenly creates an avalanche of musical groups.

-Is this in Ponyville? Even if it is, I find it odd how the mane six (and other OCs) are mentioned so often.

Someone had already reviewed this when I came by, so my fixes were minimal. I gotta say, out of all the stories you've submitted to me, this is by far my favorite. Aside from what I pointed out, it wasn't that bad. Nice work so far.
>> No. 92789

Putting this one on hold for now, since I don't know nearly enough about Dr. Who as I would like to. If I need to know a lot about the show to properly review this, you're better off elsewhere. Otherwise, I'll take a look at this if you say that necessary knowledge is minimal.
>> No. 92791
File 133261248301.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )


-OH LAWD THE PARAGRAPHS ARE HUMONGOUS. Could use some separating.

-Missing commas occasionally.

-Thoughts should be italicized.

-Putting punctuation outside quotation marks? Wat.

-Speaking of quotes, you don't break start a new quote every time a sentence ends. You can put multiple fragments into one line of dialogue. Or, if necessary, put an action sentence between said fragments.

-Numbers should be spelled out.

-Telly. As. Heck.

-Never let two different ponies speak in the same paragraph. When someone else speaks, start a new paragraph for them. This goes for thoughts, too.


-Intro's kinda dull. I feel you explain Discord a bit more than you need to, so cutting out a few parts from the description should make it more bearable.

-Draconequus are classified as chimeras now? Pretty sure that isn't right, since they're two completely different species.

-One day, Discord was bored. Then, suddenly, he found out he still had his powers. Booooooring. Flesh out his retrieval of his powers a bit.

-"Discord smiled, he summoned a glass of chocolate milk once more, he put on his freshly summoned cool hipster glasses". Hahahawat.

I have to ask, but is this your first fic? I mean no offence whatsoever when I say this, but it reeks of amatuer. I read through chapter one, and just from that I could tell the rest of the chapters would be nothing but the same errors.

For now, you needa work on both fleshing stuff out and cutting stuff down. There's no need for paragraphs that fill the screen, so those could do with some separating. Scenes are extremely telly, and therefore should be given a bit more detail. Basically, take a look at what I pointed out and use it to attack your story.
>> No. 92793
File 133261314295.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

No, comments aren't enabled. But I'll work with what I have.


-I highly suggest separating your paragraphs from one another. Makes it look so much neater. It's not necessary, however.

-Commas missing where they should be.

-Odd word choice and sentence structure, such as 'a mixture of whispers took the theatre of where the conference was located.'

-If a sentence ends with a comma, then a speaking verb follows it. If it ends with a period, then an action verb can follow it. When you say “Some sort of gas.” said one of the audience', the perdiod could be a comma since 'said' is a speaking verb. Or make the period a question mark, since the quote sounds pretty hesitative in the situation you put it in.

-Run on sentences here and there.

-Numbers should be spelled out.

-Occasionally telly sentences.

-Odd format, sometimes. For instance, one paragraphs started before getting split in half somewhere in the middle. After that, you started indenting way too much. You pointed out that you are aware of this in the author's note, so I think you should focus on this first.


-You immediately jump into the story with the machine already made and being presented. I dunno, I feel having the story start right before the machine gets invented would make it flow so much better. (Though later on you say the machine never worked, so instead of explaining how it got invented, maybe explain why the scientists decided to scam their peers.)

-I feel that the plot is pretty creative, actually. A fresh take on 'ponies on Earth' or 'humans in Equestria'. I'd have to see where you take it, though.

Overall, this needs a lot of work grammarwise. But aside from that, I'm interested in the plot enough to want to see more. I'd like to see where you take this.
>> No. 92799
File 133261560066.png - (289.90KB , 1024x819 , Luffypinkie.png )
Have you read or watched one piece?
>> No. 92804
Thanks for the review. Yeah, I knew while writing it and finishing it that it seemed to flow really well. It's one of the most happy things I've written... probably the most fun.
>> No. 92808
Tags: Dark, HiE, Thriller
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy, a violent serial killer, has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

>> No. 92820
Haha! Good to see things are back on track.

By the way, I know I already mentioned this on my previous post, but I just can't emphasize it enough. When you review this little bit of text I wrote, please remember it was mostly a little exercise based on a dream, and that I tried to focus more on the way I write rather than the content itself.

Yes, I'm just being slightly paranoid. I tend to do that.
>> No. 92846

I can see why EqD said that. This entire story was an effort in trying waaaaaay too hard. Instead of going with simple words, like 'clouds' or 'homes', you go for the fanciest synonym you can find (or, in some cases, you just use a word that makes no sense). As such, I went and marked instances of this with a 'Huh?'. More individual issues can be found below.


-Some parts can be rather telly.

-You tend to delve into Lavender Unicorn Syndrome quite a bit.


-Rainbow feels a bit OOC at some parts.

-You get a bit shippy at parts where it makes no sense. If RD has a slight crush on Pinkie, let the audience know; if she's just getting a little excited from seeing a mare in general, let the audience know. Get the picture?

-On that note, the shipping seems to come outta nowhere. You pretty much say 'Rainbow Dash likes Pinkie Pie, that's it. Badabing.' There's absolutely no reason given as to why she's come to like the pink pony. I give you credit for not being like most low-tier ships by not having her jump straight to love, though.

-And when the shipping becomes official, it still seems random. No reason at all for these two to like each other. Eh. Well, I suppose it was still a cute story.

Overall, your major issue is trying way, way too hard. There's nothing wrong with using smaller words (or at least words that actually fit the situation). If you're up to it, I would suggest fleshing out their reasons for liking each other a bit more, as well as making RD a little more in character when she doesn't seem to be in it.

All in all, this was pretty cute. Needs some work, definitely, but I don't regret reading it. Nice job.
>> No. 92849

Aye, I read it and enjoy it. You wouldn't happen to be the person who's been spreading their One Piece fic idea around, are you?
>> No. 92860
File 133262386312.png - (2.35MB , 1200x4502 , ponylobbyWIN!!.png )
Aye I probably am, but since that's the case. Just a review of chapter 1 (it's all I've got so far anyways.)
Title: My Little Pirates: Luffy's adventures in Equestria
Synopsis:The Straw Hats have been defeated and scattered by Bartholomew Kuma and now Luffy, their captain, finds himself in a strange land. Even stranger, he's now a tiny horse! He must now venture through this strange island to find his way back to his friends. But darker secrets may be lying in the land of Equestria.
Tags: [Adveture] [crossover]
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pEmxgcT8k9Kd2NkqizO5IDwFIPmoo1OUzeKbGVKcJHo/edit
>> No. 92881
File 133262552462.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )
Coming at you with all I got, Grammar Major.


-Underlining is a poor way to emphasize. Use italics, bold, or even both if you really need some emphasis.

-Your page breaks are barely noticeable. Make them bigger.


-In terms of characterization, some are spot on while some aren't. Examples of those who aren't: AJ seems a bit rude and crass. Fluttershy, while in doctor mode, seems a bit too confident.

Any noticeable errors have been pointed out in the doc. Overall, I enjoyed this. It had its hilarious moments, the grammar was (mostly) top notch, and it was interesting. My only regret is that you ended it in the middle of the flashback, leaving questions unanswered. Curse you.

Hope to see more, though.
>> No. 92890
Name: Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do
Tags: [Adventure]
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash and Derpy Do embark on a quest to become like the mare they admire the most: Daring Do.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1te_fVJBEn4G1XiG9e_KHDBfslQs8W-7gCKt2jcI9c7E/edit

Please be very critical, i want to send it to EQD and the grammar really has to shine.

Thanks for your time!
>> No. 92898
Tags: [Psychological] [Normal] [Slice of Life]

Title: Behind a Sunny Face

Synopsis: Celestia is the supreme ruler of Equestria.  She is a goddess and a princess, and has been alive for over a thousand years, and although she presents herself as jovial and cheerful, sometimes she can't help but think too much about how different she is from every other pony.  She's outlived everyone she's ever met, and has powers and responsibilities no one else could comprehend.  In this story, she calls Twilight Sparkle to the castle, simply wanting someone to talk to about what it's like to be her.

I don't have Google Docs set up yet, so hopefully you won't mind if I just give the FIMFiction link.


Thanks in advance!
>> No. 92901
File 133263371311.png - (167.92KB , 998x668 , Feels bad, pony.png )


-You abuse semicolons. Some of them can be removed completely, while others could be swapped out for a comma or period.

-If two dialogue fragments are separated by an action fragment without pausing ("Bla bla," bla bla, "bla bla."), then the second dialogue fragment starts out lowercased.

-You use a word twice multiple times, like 'around around' or 'of of'.

-The occasional misspelling, dropped word, or wrong word.


-Since you mentioned the plot being confusing, I'll use the plot section to cover parts I deem odd. To start with: That dream right after the court room scene. Was it a dream? Did it actually happen? I dunno. It's rather hard to tell.

-Wait, what? I'm at the 1/3 point, and from what I can gather, Pinkie's in the asylum for killing Snails (who she cared for) for killing Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. I'm probably horribly wrong, but so far... what.

-Applejack lied? So much for the Element of Honesty.

-Alright, what the buck? How old is everyone during this? Pinkie loved Snails and they'd been together for years... please tell me this isn't some kind of foalaphilia. And even for any of this to be legal, Pinkie would have to be at least thirty-seven during the time this story takes place.

-...owpjgpwjgpwj. My face is litterally a 'D:' right now. iqjojojpojwgio.

Phew. Okay. That was a big story, but I'm finished. Let's see here...

I can see why some parts could confuse. Frankly, the whole 'Pinkie dated Snails, who killed two innocents to get something he wanted but never revealed'. Why Snails, of all ponies? What did he want? Why was Pinkie punished so fiercely for her vigilante act? What does Apple Bloom have to do with most of this? This story raised more questions than answers... and it did it beautifully.

When a story envokes an emotional response from me, I know it's good. It's not exactly tear-jerking, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm going to be feeling down for the next hour or so. Still, I have to admit, this feels like it shouldn't even be a pony fic. You could swap the characters for humans, and you'd have the exact same story. I'm not saying you should redo it, but think about it. There's nothing wrong with original fiction.

Aside from those, this story was lovely. Grammar could use work in some places, but I pointed out all the errors I could see. I haven't read many sad fics, but this is definitely one of the top ones. The story isn't flawless, and like I said, it might work better as original fiction, but I say this with all earnesty: Bravo.
>> No. 92903

And a little bit extra, due to missing a couple questions:

Yes, the court room scene should remain. The information revealing gradually is a good call, but you might have blown it too soon; I managed to guess exactly what had happened by around the 1/3 mark of the story. Pacing is pretty good, actually.

I also recommend leaving the chapters in. Reading all that in one go is a bit daunting, and seeing the next chapter coming up is very refreshing. You don't have to separate the story into chapters, but I recommend leaving the chapter headings in.
>> No. 92915
File 133264156845.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Buck. Accidentally closed the page while I was typing out a review. As such, this may be a bit weaker than it should be.


-Odd structure sometimes. For example, 'She let herself plop down and sat against the tree and the roots. Sighing as her aging bones softly complained about Twilight’s laid back position, which she had not sported in a very long time.'

-Occasionally missing commas or odd word choice. For example, you once say 'Where is every pony', or something like that. But 'every pony' would translate to 'every person'. 'everypony' would be better, since it translates to 'everyone' or 'everybody'.

-Apple Bloom, not Applebloom.

-No need to put quotation marks around thoughts, they only need to be italicized.

-Occasionally forgetting to capitalize names and places.

-After an ellipsis (three periods in a row), put a space after it, so long as the sentence doesn't end after it.

-Numbers should be spelled out.


-Twilight was right, those ponies in the bar weren't saying anything interesting. So why did we have to hear them talk?

-It's sometimes hard to tell who is talking.

-Spitfire and Soarin' know who Pinkie is?

All in all, it was okay. It wasn't very sad, and I admit, I just ended up skimming most of the third chapter. This needs a lot of grammar work, and maybe a few plot tweaks, but it isn't too bad.
>> No. 92919
File 133264323222.png - (132.54KB , 826x528 , You\'re a pretty cool guy.png )
Whelp, managed to pull off seven reviews in one day. Think I'm done for now.

Due to the computer issues, one of my fics is long overdue for an update. I'm focusing on that tomorrow, but I'll be back for more reviews if I finish in a timely matter.

Have a nice night, everypony.
>> No. 92941
A Short story I felt compelled to write. I attempted to submit it to Equestria daily but there are a few writing errors that they want me to fix: 1.) Word and Punctuation Omission: There are many examples of sentences that have incomplete meanings, or even no discernible meaning, because of the omission of words and punctuation
2.) Long Sentences that Lose Meaning: There are examples of sentences in the story that tend to drag out,
3.) The word choice at times seems unfortunate. There are examples of "on" when "of" should have been used and other such minor errors.
4.) Distracting Elements: While it is important to set descriptions in the mind of your readership, at times they are a little too blatant. For example do not stop he narrative of your action to describe a pony's colors. Instead you should try to work it into the narrative.


Tags: [Shipping]

It's just like any other party in Canterlot, except this time Frederic is a guest rather than a member of the ensemble.

With the evening to himself it may finally be his chance to confess his true feelings to the mare he has long held feelings for but if he can't work up the nerve he may miss out forever.
>> No. 93078

Thank you very much, that's high praise indeed. I'm working to correct the issues you listed as we speak. To clarify, the courtroom scene really did happen; that was added due to suggestions by the pre-readers in order to reduce the amount of confusion in the story. I don't know if there's any way around the fact that it's a quick revelation...the pre-readers said they needed something to go on before considering the story.

Yes, I imagined Pinkie was quite a bit older in this story. I don't know about 37, but I did think she would be between 29 and 32.

I mainly chose Snails because I thought he would be compatible with Pinkie. Since he's portrayed as crazy and spontaneous whenever he has a speaking role, they seemed to fit together pretty well.

Also, as a last question, you mentioned the story raised more questions than answered, but said I did it beautifully. Does that mean you like the way I raised so many questions? Because that was actually my intent: I wanted to leave a lot of room for the reader to fill in their own interpretation.
>> No. 93080
Sorry Trots, I had a bit of a BioWare moment there. Fortunately, though, it's the first chapter of a story instead of the completed project, so I'm not going to make you buy DLC to finish the story. :-)

Thanks again for your feedback! I've made changes where necessary and kept your advice in mind as I work on the next chapter.
>> No. 93082

It's not the court room scene I was asking about, but the scene right after that; if I recall correctly, it was the mane six having a good time. That was what threw me off. But yes, the court room scene was good.

Well, I did the math while reading. Assuming Snails is 8-10 and Pinkie is 18 in the series, Pinkie would have to be 26-28 for their relationship to be legal. Take into account their relationship lasted three years and she's been in the asylum for six, and she'd have to be thirty-five through thirty-seven.

As for questions, that sounds about right. You leave room for interpretation, but you wrote well and made it so I actually wanted to interpret it. Still, some harder answers would have been nice. You don't have to put this in the story, but I ask out of genuine curiosity: What was it Snails wanted?
>> No. 93084
Also: seven in one day? That's dedication. I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Thank you for your hard work.
>> No. 93227
THANKS! Yeah i have weird grammar at times because i wrote each chapter at 3AM. And the sad tag is a bit misleading because the real sadness comes at the end. I just didn't know what else to tag it as. And also what do you mean by plot tweaks?
>> No. 93902
File 133308247190.png - (152.36KB , 945x945 , Twi.png )
Well, this is a bit of a shock.

After your review, I submitted A Rose Reverie to EqD again. In all honesty, I suspected a third rejection (with the possibility of having one more shot).

Well, the gracious blog ponies and pre-readers did me one better, practically causing me to faint in the process (yes, I know this is just fan fiction, but I can't help myself). The fic got accepted and was added to the queue. I'm not sure when it's actually going to be posted, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't stoked anyway.

Anyway, I just dropped by to extend my thanks for all your help with my story. I've no doubt your grammar corrections and other recommendations played a role in helping this fic get accepted. I think this is my best work to date (and also my least read), and I'm really excited to see it be recognized this way.

Thus, I'd like to express my gratitude in the coolest way I know: Italian.

Quindi, grazie mile per tutto tuo aiuto con mi storia. (And so, a thousand thanks for all your help with my story)

Should you ever need anything from me (other than organ donations or sexual favors), please don't hesitate to ask.

In bocco al lupo!
>> No. 93926
File 133308831293.jpg - (172.79KB , 2413x2570 , Pony Avatar 2.jpg )
Greetings, salutations, and all that. So this is one of those "chans" is it? *Prods with at stick*

Anyway, I have a story that I would love to have reviewed so that I might perchance get it onto the ol' EqD.

Title: Hostile Takeover
Synopsis: Fluttershy heads to Manehattan and ends up living with Trixie.
Tags: [Comedy]

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BL_qVj6fAAPwweeEkIqkB6N4s7ElEEZWn5w4vEyRdwM/edit
(^This is the main chapter I would like a review on. Comments should be enabled.)

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AJ51UULcv3PBtXcKBizxaJZlirTw0oO0zhByQp1YMP4/edit

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZbKGjwK9DbFdHCQUijXHj3Tk-8oZv3VrQ3qHGMAVVqk/edit
(^These two are take 'em or leave 'em.)
>> No. 93953
More reviews to come soon.


Congrats, mate. Knew ya would get in.

...no dirty favors or free livers, huh? Well, I'll just have you drive the getaway car then.
>> No. 94147
File 133317391290.jpg - (235.89KB , 968x867 , Jerichoarch-devil.jpg )
[Adventure][Light Grimdark]

In a world of angels and daemons, the good liar is paramount for a conflict nearly seventy millenniums in the making between Kane and Satan comes to its final blows, and it all rests of whom possesses the Elements of Harmony. The fate of Elements may very well rest with who controls a very particular pawn: Jericho. He's hardly a hero, just a pony with the unfortunate habit of being in the wrong place at the right time.

The world is set afire by Kane and Satan, although which one the good guy remains unclear. Meanwhile, the sarcastic, witty, and mildly melodramatic Jericho tries to avoid getting brutally killed by literally everything as he struggles not to drag everypony down with him, but at least he's good with a sword. In a world of uncertainties, a world without good and evil, there is only one truth to be found: Jericho would like nothing to do with six crazy girls.


The EqD recommended that I see a ponychan reviewer because I only had a few issues with Jericho.
There complaint list was:
1) Word repetition. You use a lot of 'he' and 'his' in the first few paragraphs.

2) Comma abuse in some places. Cut this down. You need to keep it consistent.

3) Flat writing in places. Prologue part 1falls victim to this. There's a lot of 'First one, then two, then this then that.' It imparts information, but it isn't very interesting.

4) Punctuation. You need some. Period after the 'are'. You do this quite a bit in places.

“Yes,” hatred oozed from its gravelly hiss as the fiend in the center spoke, “we are”

5) More punctuation. The period goes on the outside of the single quote.

it, “it is by his instruction that we are so 'disciplined.'”

6) The dialogue in places makes little sense. 'I'll send your soul to hell in thirty minutes or less, or your money back.' Parodies are all well and good, but you're pulling them out of nowhere. It feels abrupt.
7) Your fight sequences are -all- tell vs. show. It reads like a dungeons and dragons game, honestly. There's dialogue... and then this fireball does that, I swung my sword and the darkness was attacked.
8) This story might be large, but so far (Prologue part 1 and 2) I'm not seeing anything pony aside from the OC.
9) More word repetitions.. especially now that he's been found by miss nasal.
10) Such things need to be capitalized, when you're using them as proper names. It'd also add a bit of comedy.

I'm requesting a review on prologues part 1 and 2, as well as chapter one proper (about 15k words). After I got the review back I went about self-editing like mad, but they requested a link to a ponychan reviewer were I to resubmit.
>> No. 94155
File 133317731837.jpg - (38.11KB , 640x480 , Pinkie-Pie-and-Me-Cover.jpg )
[Comedy] [Slice of Life] [Adventure] [Human]

By: Neon-san

Synopsis: Pinkie Pie and her new human companion work on their relationship while living in Dayton, Ohio.


I am up to chapter 4 right now and currently working on chapter 5. Please feel free to give honest feed back I would surely appreciate it! Thank you!
>> No. 94171
Sorry for the slow reply

>I highly suggest separating your paragraphs from one another. Makes it look so much neater. It's not necessary, however.
>Odd format...

As I said in the authors note at the bottom of the fic, the paragraphs glitched out on me, and I couldn't fix them outright, however, this should be sorted when I start a new document.

>Commas are missing where they should be

I have a habit of doing that, or sometimes my brain thinks "Let's make this part of the story really fast to capture the speed the action is performed." I tend to over-accelerate things, basically.

>If a sentence ends with a comma, then...
>Run on sentences here and there.

Standard mistakes, I'll get to fixing them.

>Numbers should be spelled out.

Force of habit, again.

>You immediatly jump into the story...

Shhhhhhhh! :3

Thanks. I thought of this when I was about to go to sleep one night. I always come up with ideas at about that time, it's really strange.
>> No. 94338
OK, I was hesitant about this, but I figure I'll put this in anyway.

So here's the first chapter of the... I guess second MLP fanfic I've written. I've submitted it to EqD twice... and after trying to improve the story myself didn't work on the second shot, I figure I need another pair of eyes willing to do a full-on review before I try my luck again.

Also note, some of the tags don't apply just yet, as this is only the first chapter.

So here you go:

Title: Stealth and Bravado
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Action/Adventure] [Friendshipping] [Espionage] [Superhero]
Synopsis: An unassuming musician joins the Equestrian Spy Service in hopes of making a difference in the world, or at least Canterlot. Her first mission inspires the pony she rescues to help change the world in a very different way.

Gdocs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cfSa7CGWfsK1-msGRdx1RcXxGuGb3FnyMvusTk-yU48/edit?pli=1

Thank you in advance. I look forward to your feedback.
>> No. 94374
I'd like you to review my story! (Or at least part of it). It is mostly the beginning I'm worried about (The first to third/fourth chapters). It's currently a WIP, it's not complete (Not by a long shot xD).

Title: Strategies of War
Tags: Normal, Adventure, War (Not Grimdark, don't worry.)
Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle believes she has made a new friend when a new pony moves into town. But when she stumbles upon his secret, she's pulled into the world of wartime Equestria. Can she use her brilliant mind to help defeat the enemies of Equestria, or will her mind fail her when it is needed most?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DSeMnGUpTrTmAPcPegFYFHnwXWIh4DrDipMyJt142yc/edit

Additional chapters an be found at the bottom of each chapter.
>> No. 94423
I don't know how long your queue at this present time, but I will place my quick story here nevertheless.

Name: The Trinity Poem
2. Bearycool
3. [poetry](I consider that random). [adventure] [tragedy]

4. Before the battle with Discord, three discourses between the three immortals were made in secrecy. An unknown poet was granted a vision to reiterate the words of the discourses in a poetic stance. In each discourse lies the prophecies of future events in Equestria, the madness of Discord, and the subtle clues of Nightmare Moon coming into the world.

5. Google docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14cn7nkNGhNLT0hQo5FcpUgUlSoiLKTuuwpoxNG2ojK0/edit

Fimfiction link:

6. All of it, which is only about 2.9K words worth of reading (after all, it is only a poem: a long poem, sure, but a poem).

Background Stuff for the Reviewer:
1. It's a poem, and it's about 2.8K in length.
2. American English. (Because I hate s's and I love z's.)
3. Meter of the poem changes from a pentameter, to somewhat structure meters, to free verse depending on who is speaking. I.E. if Discord is speaking, everything is going to look chaotic and if Celestia or Luna are speaking then it's more structured.
4. Enjoy.
>> No. 94452
File 133326958843.docx - (22.64KB , Brotherhood is magic.docx )
I'm new at this. I dont know what a sticky is, nor do I know anything about different threads. I posted a new thread, and had it deleted cause I wasn't"abiding by the sticky" so if for whatever reason I'm doing something wrong, bare with me, correct me and send me on my way :b

I'm writing a fan fic about mareines, and was just wondering what people thought of what I have so far. it's not finished, and probably loaded with grammatical errors, but I was just curious as what somebody thought. Thanks :b
>> No. 94462
File 133328212490.jpg - (28.69KB , 499x280 , 1331552216102.jpg )

No. The moment you enter fic, the first thing you see right away is the thread to the sticky, accompanied by a huge read "READ THE STICKY BEFORE POSTING" sign. How much more obvious does it need to be?
>> No. 94502
like I said, I'm new, so I didnt know what a "sticky" was. now I do and now I can fix it. please forgive me I am kinda stupid :b
>> No. 94504
sorry for not doing this within the initial post. Still learning. :/

Title: Brotherhood is magic [military]

synopsis: Jack Armalite grew up in an uneventful ponyville formost of his life. After seeing the ponyville attachment of Mareines when he was seven, he secretly prepared himself for when he was of enlisting age. Now enlisted, he realizes that being a mareine isn't so easy. (so far in the story I have him in boot, and am using that as just an introduction to the main character, the setting, and any information to help the reader understand how things work).

word count (currently): 2,501 words

if I'm still doing something wrong, be gentle I'm really trying not to be a nuisance
>> No. 94525
File 133330015726.jpg - (83.15KB , 1280x1024 , 132882276390.jpg )
The proper response in cases like this is "Lurk Moar".
Do you see anyone embedding their work around here? Post this on Gdocs and link to the doc after giving permission. If you don't know how to do that, well then, I suggest you Lurk Moar (or use Google's search engine and read the Facts & Questions for it).
>> No. 94559
yeah...sorry about that. how bout I wait a week so everyone forgets what an idiot I've been then try again :)
>> No. 94853
I'd like to retract my request for a review. Hopefully you didn't start already. Doubt you did, but still.
>> No. 95247
Title: The Return of Smarty Pants
Tags: [Normal] [Comedy]
Synopsis: After having his big secret published for everypony to read, Big Macintosh deals with the prospect of facing a humiliating fate.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ie6DhklhBSetm9rqBVGgvg0TVirFYaTWM0E8AV5_FQY/edit

This is my first time writing a fan-fiction. I've wrote stories before but they've mainly been descriptive writing. I've looked through it myself many times and still pick out the odd mistake mainly in the dialogue, as I tend to focus more on description!
>> No. 95424
File 133368506207.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )
Title: Friends and Family
Tags: [Sad]
Synopsis: There comes a time where we all must let go. But never will we forget.

(If that synopsis is too vague for you, the main characters are Applejack and Winona.)


-Google docs w/comments enabled: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VVk7FeOFEb4YF2YRgCleU-b5nl1kQrbV_gPDfY4tgqA/edit

-Fimfiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/18822/Family-%26amp%3B-Friends

I sent this to EqD and got a reply email stating "needs work on awkward wording and show vs. tell." I think I'm seeing where some of those issues may be now, but I just want to doubly make sure from an outside source before I edit it and resubmit.
>> No. 95994
Me again! What's up, Trots? I thought I'd get your opinion on the first section of my latest work.

Title: Another

Tag: Dark

Synopsis: Celestia travels to Ponyville with Luna to investigate a mysterious attack, all the while growing concerned about Twilight's state of mind as they dodge around one another. A story of wits and cleverness.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iGxFeflSb06BIR4rbxc7I1qd2eoRH9kSjKhi-tnN2dk/edit

Thanks, my friend.
>> No. 96169
Oh, for...
Fillies and gentlecolts, a word, please? This man's queue is already full to bursting. He has an extensive backlog at the moment, and I think he'd appreciate being able to catch up on his reviews before any more fics were added. Now, because I'm not Mr. McClure, I can't officially lock his queue, but I would like to request, for his sake, that you slow down your submissions. Thank you.
>> No. 96369
File 133408279820.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )
QUEUE IS CLOSED FOR NOW. It's already full to the brim, and I really want to try and fit as many reviews as possible in here before it hits the cap.

Oi, it's been a rough week or so. Life attacked, got sick, and finally managed to update my own stories. And now, I'm not planning on stopping until I completely empty my queue. Let's see what we got here.

-Beneath the Fields of Heaven
-The Final Chapter of Derpy Hooves
-Battle in the Dark
-Unlike Herself
-My Little Pirates
-The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do
-Behind a Sunny Face
-I'll Sweep You Off Your Hooves
-Hostile Takeover
-Pinkie Pie and Me
-Stealth and Bravado
-Strategies of War
-The Trinity Poem
-Brotherhood is Magic
-The Return of Smarty Pants
-Friends and Family

*Spits out wine*'

This many?! That's it, someone's getting an angry letter. While I work on that (and these reviews), feel free to remind me if I forgot to put your story into the queue.

And congrats to Josh Meihaus for getting onto EqD. Knew ya had it in ya, mate.
>> No. 96370

I wrote "Behind a Sunny Face." However, that story is on hiatus and I'm focusing on another story right now. Would it be okay to switch out the story I want reviewed? Or would you prefer that I just drop my request altogether?
>> No. 96372
Wow, seems like you've got enough work as it is. I'd like to take my story (The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do) out of the queue then, I'm sure i can find some other reviewer who isn't as busy as you.
>> No. 96373
Hey, Trots. You can take me out of the queue. I've been reviewed already, and I've done some major rewrites since I posted that.
>> No. 96379
File 133408695180.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
By all means, swap it out. But please don't respond again without the link.



-You sometimes put quotes around thoughts.

-You forget to indent a lot.

-Some sentences are separated pretty hard, aka you have two lines of space or more around them instead of one.

-I think you're italicizing your dialogue, too. No need for that. Makes it hard to differentiate it from thoughts.

-If dialogue ends with a period, don't give the following sentence a speaking verb. Likewise, if it ends with a comma, don't give the following sentence an action verb.

-Occasional lack of commas.

-You don't need to capitalize 'archers'.

-There's a difference between its and it's. Same for 'though' and 'through'.

-Spell out numbers.

-You separate many words that don't really need it. For example, myself and themselves.


-After the man kills a griffon, he suddenly becomes enraptured with the night sky. If I'd just killed a mythological creature, I'd be more worried about that than the stars.

-This still feels like the Griffons of Greece. You did make a few pony references though, I suppose.

-Still finding it a bit odd that one man can fight an entire army of griffons.


-While it looks good, it feels out of place. You depict the main character walking into a cave, but you place it after a scene with nothing but griffons.

Grammar needs a lot of work, and plot could use some fixes, but it's overall fine.
>> No. 96381

I wanted to make sure it was okay before I posted the link.

Title: As Time Goes On
[Semi-Sad] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: "No matter how strong the bonds of friendship are, we still have our own dreams and goals that we must pursue. I pray that they never tear us apart."

A lot has changed in the 20 years since Twilight arrived in Ponyville. The town is now a small, bustling city, and Twilight's friends are busier than ever. As Twilight works in City Hall, she can't help but wonder when she'll be able to spend time with her friends again.


I'm just looking for a review on chapter one at the moment. If you want to look at the original version of the story (listed at the end of the document) that is up to you. Thanks again!
>> No. 96385
File 133409152462.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )


-Some odd sentences.

-Sometimes hard to tell who is talking.

-You keep posting sentences like "Bla bla," bla bla, "Bla bla.". A lot of your sentences would go better if you made the second comma a period. Also, if you DO do a sentence like that, the second dialogue fragment begins lowercased.

-Pacing issues.


-You need build-up before the race's start.

-The entire race between AJ and RD is over in less than a paragraph?

-Oh boy, Derpy propoganda in fiction form.

I'll be honest, I went halfway before I just noticed it's going to be some more 'Derpy War' propoganda. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy they changed her either, but that doesn't mean I want to read an entire story about it.

Aside from that, the grammar was decently clean. A lot of sentences were formatted wrong though, as well as words being used incorrectly. And, of course, the major issue here is pacing. A race is done in less than a paragraph, issues are resolved in less than three, ponies appear in less than a sentence, etc.
>> No. 96390
File 133409241392.png - (136.35KB , 829x536 , What the hay, man.png )


-Mostly just stand-alone errors.

-Also, some paragraphs could really use some trimming/spreading out.


-This story is weeeeeeird. But yeah, you did say it was going to be. If you want a tag for this, I'd say 'random'.

The story was short, sweet, and confusing as buck. But that's what I was expecting from your description, anyway. Your grammar was notably clean and tidy, with a few exceptions here and there. Plot's insane, but that's on purpose. Not bad.
>> No. 96396
File 133409408775.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-Occasionally missing punctuation.

-Ellipsises should have a space after them if they're not at the end of dialogue.

-Dialogue should be indented, too.

-"Until, that is, the cyan pegasus finally returned the hug, and allowing the party pony to sob softly into her shoulder." Remove that and.

-"The solemn and blue pegasus " is some wicked LUS.

-I'm a bit skeptical about making 'fooling' into 'foaling'. While 'fool' can be 'foal', I don't think fooling can be foaling.

-'Luna's moon' and anything like it should be used sparingly.

-"the were the apples of each other's eye". The should be they.


-Color-coding feels reeeeally unnecessary. But to each their own, I guess.

-Throwing in that 'FOOOOREEEVEEER' kinda broke the immersion.

-I find it a bit hard to believe that accidentally hurting a friend would affect RD so harshly, but then we wouldn't have this story, no?

'Twas short, but not very bad. Grammar's mostly smooth, though you lack punctuation/the correct word sometimes. I personally find the color-coding both annoying and unnecessary, though.
>> No. 96404
File 133409982113.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-Cloudsdale, not Cloudsdayle.

-Really weird formatting at some spots. Scratchy that, weird formatting everywhere after the prologue.

-At least half your paragraphs begin with 'I'. The same goes for your sentences.

-Occasionally missing commas.

-Colt of a bitch doesn't really work. That's like saying boy of a bitch. Son works fine.



I'll be honest, wasn't very interested. The formatting really threw me off as well. All I can suggest is fix the formatting and keep an eye out for missing commas/comma misuse.
>> No. 96406
Thanks for the review, mate. By the way, any comments on the show vs tell? Is it any better in showing, compared to what you saw in The Fall of Discord (assuming you still remember any of it. Wouldn't surprise me if you don't, though; after all, you've been reading through a heck ton of fanfics to review...)
>> No. 96412
File 133410301035.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )

Skipping at author's request.



-Your formatting is painful to read. I would suggest separating all the paragraphs.

-"Dialogue," speaking verb= Okay
"Dialogue," action verb= Not okay
"Dialogue." Speaking verb= Not okay
"Dialogue." Action verb= Okay

-Make sure the audience knows who's speaking.

-No need for quotes around thoughts.

-Pacing feels a bit off.

-Some paragraphs could use trimming/separating.

-Almost every paragraph with dialogue has dialogue right at its beginning. Mix it up a little. Put the action first, THEN the dialogue.

-You do "Bla," bla, "bla." a lot. It's okay to end a sentence after an action, you know.


-I don't think you needed that intro at the very beginning. You shouldn't have to explain what you're crossing over with, at least not as bluntly as that.

-Pretty sure Kizaru wasn't present when Kuma separated them. Correct me if I'm wrong.

-Luffy feels a bit like a soulless puppet. I think that may be because you stuff so much dialogue into paragraphs, and I'm pretty sure weak pacing is at fault here too.

-Weak ending, weak Zecora rhymes.

Could use a bit of work, and this is coming from a big fan of both MLP and OP. The pacing is really off, and that makes scenes rush by and characters look like little more than puppets. You use the same sentence format over and over, and your overall format is pretty rough to read.

Also, your Zecora could use some work, and Luffy as well. Still, I'd really like to see this story succeed, so don't give up. Attack the pacing and grammar!
>> No. 96455
File 133411181673.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )
Skipping Behind a Sunny Face at author's request.



-No need for quotes around thoughts.

-Missing commas. Eveeeerywhere.

-Some capitalization issues.

-You do "Bla," bla, "bla." a lot. It won't kill you to end a sentence after the middle fragment, or to just say your fill in the previous/following dialogue fragment.

-You say 'earth stallion' and 'earth mare' multiple times. Using it only once is acceptable, to point out gender. After that, it's just LUS, and you could remove 'earth' from it.


-Your names are a bit iffy. Horseshoepin and Harpo? Euguguguh.

-There's such a thing as too descriptive.

-I can see what the pre-reader meant. You take 3/4s of a large paragraph describing somepony's dress. Like they suggested, you need to weave that into the story. Or at the least, trim it a LOT.

Made it about 3/4 of the way before I noticed pretty much every paragraph involving dialogue was exactly the same, structure wise. And that structure is wrong. You use "Bla," bla, "bla." WAY too much. A lot of the times you use it, you could easily swap it out for another format. Variety is the spice of life, friend.

Plotwise... eh. Generic OC/Background pony I never heard of hooks up with a background pony I like. But if it is a BG pony, I suppose having more fics about them couldn't hurt.

Overall: Fix the format, fix the grammar, trim the description, pay more attention to putting words where they should be, and so on. All that aside, it wasn't too bad.
>> No. 96457
File 133411207737.png - (135.24KB , 824x536 , THE END IS NIGH.png )
Took out half my queue in a day. Wooooooo!

But it looks like I won't be able to finish off the rest before the thread hits cap. I'll do what I can tomorrow, and then I suppose I'll have to make a new one.

Anyway, have a nice night everypony.

Current queue:

-Hostile Takeover
-Pinkie Pie and Me
-Stealth and Bravado
-Strategies of War
-The Trinity Poem
-Brotherhood is Magic
-The Return of Smarty Pants
-Friends and Family
-As Time Goes On

>> No. 96542
File 133417003150.png - (134.10KB , 827x534 , Trots McClure will be requiring more popcorn.png )


-Don't put a space after an ellipsis if its at the beginning of a sentence. Likewise, the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized, too.

-Missing commas here and there.


-I personally find it odd that Fluttershy condones circuses.

-I have no idea what Big Entrance looks like.

I did a full check of chapter one and then just read chapter two. I gotta admit, chapter one had maybe one or two moments of funny, to me anyway. But chapter two picked that up a lot, definitely making it funnier.

Your only major problems is that are your strange desire to avoid closing gaps and capitalizing after you put an ellipsis at the start of a sentence. Also, you're missing commas where they should be, and once or twice, you put them where they shouldn't be. Other than that, the story was pretty enjoyable. Keep up the good work.
>> No. 96546
Review acknowledge
- fixed the spacing when I put it on FIMfiction
- The intro: I was trying to copy the little "last time on..." thing the show does (really wish I could have found the music to go with it) which sums up what happens in the last episode. I wanted to try and explain just what was going on while sticking close to the show.
- yeah Kizaru just showed up to overkill the whole thing (him, Sentomaru, Kuma, and pacifistas... yikes) nearly killed zoro with a light kick thing.
-zecora: darn you rhyming! Why must you evade me?!
>> No. 96548
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Oh and for that one part with where it's in quotes and italicized it's a flashback to Sentomaru explaining Kuma's powers. So it's not thoughts just Luffy remembering Sentomaru's words.

Poison Joke: I thought the blue spots were a common effect of it (Twilight's horn and pinkie's tongue were covered in spots when they got it)... then again I don't think anypony has eaten it before
>> No. 96557
File 133417602229.png - (135.18KB , 827x537 , Trots McClure.png )


-Occasional wrong word use. For example: underused road the spans the great Everfree. The first 'the' should be 'that'. You also say 'spin' instead of 'spine'.

-There's a difference between 'your' and 'you're'.

-Occasionally missing capitalization.

-Plenty of sentences that could be structured differently (that is, add commas, make some commas periods, etc.)

-Don't use an action fragment after a dialogue fragment that ends with a comma. For instance, you said “Who in the nine hells is,” I swallowed, “there?”. (And I think you could have done without a structure like that in the first place, anyway.)

-No need for quotes around thoughts. Italics will do.


-Uh... four paragraphs describing the main character?

-Yep, that random dialogue is a bit odd/annoying/what have you.

-Lectures. Lectures everywhere.

-Inserting random facts in the middle of nowhere.

All in all, I can see the problem. I won't lie, I enjoy the lectures you give on various demon types and other facts. The problem is, they interrupt any action going on at the moment. Surely you could find some way to weave it into the story better?

The same goes for the facts you randomly tack into paragraphs, like 'Jericho enjoys talking'. Also, while grammar is decently clean, many of your sentences have structures that range from a little wonky to very rough.

To continue on grammar: Sometimes you place too many commas, sometimes you're missing them where they should be. There's a balance you need to reach. And like the pre-reader said, the fight scenes could use a bit more 'oomph'.

Plotwise, eh. I'm never really a fan when random OC meets up with the main characters without much reason. Still, learning about demons and Jericho's adventures was relatively interesting.
>> No. 96579
File 133418902498.png - (133.35KB , 829x536 , Trots McClure is not amused.png )


-Capitalization issues. You even forgot to capitalize 'I'.

-Wrong word use (like saying 'did' when you meant 'didn't).

-Lack of commas where they should be.

-You have two people talking in the same paragraph. Don't do that.


-'Pinkie Pinkamena Diane Pie'? No. Pinkie Pie or Pinkie will do, though Pinkamena Diane Pie can work in formal situations.


Alright, I have no idea what's going on in this story, nor do I think I want to. Multiple people are talking in the same paragraph, you actually put 'brohoof' and a bunch of memes in the story, and you keep using the wrong words. Plus, what exactly is the relationship between the main character and Pinkie? You just throw them together and BAM, to heck with back story and making sense.

Anyway, if you want to redeem this, start off by making a new paragraph every time someone else speaks. Then, pay closer attention to your words, capitalizing when necessary and making sure your word choice is correct. Finally, considering adding some backstory or something.
>> No. 96584
First of all thank you for taking the time to review. Second of all did you read all the chapters? I am assuming you read only chapter one. And this story started out as a joke in a facebook brony thread and evolved into a story. Chaps. 2-4 are getting to backstory. Other than that thanks for the review.
>> No. 96597
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This is my first shot at this so... yeah.
Here it is. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8015388/1/Echos_Of_The_Past#

This ended up being twice as long as I expected. But I kept it clean.
I’m just curious if I am going in the right direction or just completely off.

Tags: Adventure, Crossover,

Disc: A new pony has come to Ponyville. Possessing a unique talent the pony rapidly gains attention. After over a year news of this pony reaches Princess Celestia and she hires the Pegasus. Now with the fate of Equestria in it's hooves the foal must take on the most important job of its life.
>> No. 96631
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Ah, a fantastic help, sir! A thousand thanks!

I was sorely misinformed as to the grammatical rules of ellipsis. Thank you for rectifying that (and for patiently pointing out what must have been a villainous horde of them in my first chapter). Secondly, I must learn to be less stingy with my commas.

I was of the mind that Fluttershy would have no problem with animals performing for entertainment as long as they were treated well and had no qualms doing so. Perhaps that is just me, though. As for Big Entrance, I really do need to give him something other than an ethereal body. He’d probably be quite appreciative.

I’m hoping the first chapter is amusing enough to propel any readers to the following ones. It’s hard to make the setup as humorous as the rest of the story. Though there is the distinct possibility I’m just not a talented enough writer to pull it off yet…

Glad it was enjoyable and once again, thanks ever so much for the review! Treat yourself to some cake or rather, a WHOLE cake. ‘Tis well deserved.
>> No. 96633
Thanks for the advice... honestly I got sick of the whole Derpy controversy a few days after I wrote it, so I can imagine it wouldn't be a fun read a month later. Still, thanks for the pointers!
>> No. 96695
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Fiorst, as for the names, those are what most people see as the names of those two ponies, in most fiction I've read people call them Frederic Horshoepin and Harpo so changing them would confuse people at best.

I'll try to fix the grammtical issues that I do find and I do try but I have a hard time recognizing them most of the time.

As for the description problem I seem to have issues figuring out just what the balance for description is and I still don't know how to "show" things with words on a page. I don't reallty know what the difference between "Show" and "tell" in writing.

I'll look over the edits but I'm not sure how many changes I'm capable of making.
>> No. 96745
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Gonna get a new thread set up soon. Queue is still closed.


Went through and responded some more, as well as pointing out a few more things I happened to notice.

Also, don't mind the names then. I wasn't aware these were actual BG ponies. That's the risk of using lesser known ones, though.
>> No. 96746
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Oh well, I did some editing and my friend is going to look it over. I need sleep for now.
>> No. 97681
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I don't know where your new topic is, or if it's around, but I wanted to thank you because thanks to your edit suggestions I got in!

I'll Sweep You off Your Hooves should be added to Equestria Daily before too long, thanks.

I might seek you out for reviews and advice in the future. Once I find your new topic that is.
>> No. 97749
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Hey, Trots- I see you've been busy so I'll just get down to the point. I know your queue is closed, but in no way am I even planning to submit another story- or Pinkie again. Actually, I just want to bring up the sheer disappointment I felt, and the oddest response I have ever gotten out of EqD... ~ I don't want to consume a vast amount of your time, I just need some extra opinion. You can respond back here- but I'd prefer it if you would get me at my email address [email protected]; I'd prefer NOT to drag this into your thread, since you've been able to help pretty much everypony else, and even I didn't anticipate the kind of response I received. I understand if you refuse this, or even if you have to put it off a month while you deal with life. If anything I want to try to understand where I went wrong, because I'm just downright....confused like Rainbow Dash during a yugioh abridged episode.
>> No. 97889
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Requesting you remove remove Family and Friends from your queue. I've found someone else to review it.
>> No. 99222
I'd like to request a removal of "The Return of Smarty Pants" from your queue s'il vous plait. :)
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