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78823 No. 78823
EqD Link: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/story-end-of-ponies.html
Fimfiction Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1571/The-End-of-Ponies
Thread Pic: http://darkflame75.deviantart.com/art/Harmony-Stargazing-277483149

Title: The End of Ponies

Author: short skirts and explosions

Description: A horrible Cataclysm has turned all of Equestria into a Wasteland of barren ash and twilight desolation. The Sun and the Moon have been destroyed. Everypony has died--including Princesses Luna and Celestia. But one pony miraculously survives; she is a lone wanderer, the last of her kind, surrounded by menacing creatures that hate her. She navigates the Wastes in an airship and scavenges off the blighted landscape to keep herself alive.

Then one day she meets an old companion who grants her a gift, the chance to go back in time to the warm and sunny days of Ponyville, where her dead friends live in happiness. How far will the last pony venture into these joyous days of Equestria, even if she fully knows that there is no way to change the horrible fate of everypony she loves?

Tags: (Grimdark) (Sad) (Sci-Fi) (Adventure)
Other Tags: Scootaloo, Spike, Mane 6, Everypony, Gilda,

Hello again, marsupials. Welcome to the second official thread of every ponyfiction hipster's wet dream The End of Ponies, the trainwreck to end all trainwrecks. I started writing this ridiculously dense abomination back in August and September of 2011, and with the generous help of suicidal pre-readers, I have since turned it into a 500k word tumor of epic proportion.

Some people seem to be delighted with this cancer, seeing that on EqD alone it has garnered 375 ratings, averaging it at about 4.8 out of 5 bullets to the head. On FimFiction.net, it's gotten about 250 ratings with another 4.8 average. Up in Washington DC, nobody gives a crap. In Dustbowl, there are sentries everywhere.

It is the purpose of this thread to ego-stroke myself like a giant cuttlefish in heat and also to allow generous people bored out of their skulls a chance to see my rough drafts in progress as I spend ungodly amounts of time cooking up the next subsequent arc to this Internet cesspool of a story. I appreciate any and all input, critiques, insults, and frag grenades launched at what I slap forth, as they are all deliciously succulent ways of proving to me that I'm not just hallucinating this epic craziness up. I can't promise that this will be the most spectacular thread on ponychan, but even though Benjamin Sisko wasn't the best Captain, he knew how to throw a mean right hook while still sounding like a thespian.

Expositionary Arc[b/]

Chapter One: From the Ashes

Chapter Two: Of Hope and Harmony

Chapter Three: Creatures of the Overworld

Chapter Four: The Refoaling

Chapter Five: Immutable

[b]Applejack Arc

Chapter Six: Where You Lay Your Head

Chapter Seven: Give to the Earth

Chapter Eight: To Touch the Ground

Chapter Nine: A Place that Isn't Empty

Chapter Ten: And the Earth Gives Back

Fluttershy Arc

Chapter Eleven: Everclear

Chapter Twelve: Everyshy

Chapter Thirteen: Everfree

Chapter Fourteen: Everkind

Chapter Fifteen: Everlove

Pinkie Pie / Dredgemane Arc

Chapter Sixteen: For the Moon is Hollow and I Have Touched the Pie

Chapter Seventeen: Pinkamena Pie's Defunct

Chapter Eighteen: Rosenscoots and Guildenpie are Dead

Chapter Nineteen: Slaughterpink Five

Chapter Twenty: The Eternal Piecurrence

Chapter Twenty-One: How Pink Was My Valley

Chapter Twenty-Two: P for Pinkdetta

Chapter Twenty-Three: Apinkalypse Now

Chapter Twenty-Four: Final Pinkasy

Petra Arc

Chapter Twenty-Five: All the Colors Died With Her (rough draft completed)

Chapter Twenty-Six: Somepony Who Earns (rough draft completed)

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stewards of the Earth (rough draft completed)

Chapter Twenty-Eight: ???? (In Progress)

Chapter Twenty-Nine: ???? (Coming in February)

Chapter Thirty: ???? (Coming in February)

Chapter Thirty-One: ???? (Coming in February)
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 78825
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Let me start out by saying that, yes, I know that I'm a hors. I said that I'd not post until the next arc was done. Obviously, this current arc is *not* completed, but if I stayed true to my original intent than nobody would hear back from me until mid February. I figured I'd give in just like I did during the Dredgemane arc by posting halfway through the rough drafts' completion. I've discovered that getting some sort of response on a regular basis is a good impulse to keep me hammering away instead of stewing about in the abyss of lonely, textualized ennui. So, since President Clinton lied to everyone, why can't I?

Since I started on this arc, I've finished three chapters. That may sound like a paltry amount, but you must understand that these are like the Ben Hurs of ponyfiction installments. So far, the arc is ranking in at about 268 pages, or more specifically 137187 words. That said, I'm a little over halfway done with this saga, which means the arc will probably bee over 500 pages and 270k words. For those of you with thick-framed glasses and a crap to give, this means that the next arc will make End of Ponies larger than a certain other fic centered upon a desolate Equestria full of lesbians.

Is this turning into another Dredgemane arc? Well, I suppose so. The only difference is that I'm actually fucking enjoying myself for once. This has definitely been a very complicated saga, and I'm not sure anyone is going to be prepared for what it has to throw at them. I hope that they'll be able to see past the superficial wyrdness at first and swiftly understand what the arc is attempting to accomplish. While it may seem to be deviating from the plot, this adventure is actually the spiritual first-half to one one of the Mane 6's portions of the fic. I just felt that the narration needed to change to properly address the protagonist's relation to the best pony in question.

In so many ways, I feel as if this arc is the very essence of End of Ponies. When I first started writing the fic, my biggest motivation was casting Scootaloo in a nasty future situation that put to test all that she had ever hoped, dreamed, and idolized in her youth. This saga analyzes such a subject to friggin' death. Personally, I'm very proud of it, and I almost feel as though I'm in my element. What this probably means is that I'm making a huge load of crappy mistakes and I need pre-readers out there to slap me back to reality. I guess we'll just wait and see.

I've had people call End of Ponies 'disjointed', considering that most of the arcs are like completely different vignettes. Those same people will likely stumble over themselves when reading this current arc. While the Dredgemane saga was like a fic-within-a-fic, this thing has been like three fics in one. It's a delightful challenge, and I've reveled in being able to balance so many different scenarios and elements and stuff. I can only hope it's just as entertaining/moving to read.

I accomplished a lot more world-building than I had expected. It's a lot more fantastical than Dredgemane, I think, and as many of you may suspect there's a great deal more Wasteland stuff this time around. I can only hope it doesn't let people down with what their vision has been of EoP's apocalyptic scenario thus far. Also, I totally fucking ramped up the GRIMDARK aspect of this fic. It's like halfway through the story, End of Ponies decided to embrace all the bloodiness and loose limbs that its tags entail. This hasn't become a gross-out, slasher fic by any respect, and I still pride myself on using psychological aspects above visceral, but this is definitely no longer a story for kiddies. Maybe I'm exagerrating, I dunno. Things are just a lot more miserable and cringe-worthy in the world of twilight.

Perhaps my greatest fear is that a lot of people will find the scenes in these chapters generic and indicative of so many other pre-existing stuff within the MLP fandom. If that's the case, I can only hope that what I'm doing here is an attempt top top all of that, lulz. This arc contains two of my most favorite ponies, and I'm enjoying writing them as much as I can. So sue me.

All of that said, I'm starting work on Chapter 28. Either when I'm done with it or close to done, which will probably be in a *week's time*, I will start posting the rough drafts. I hope to have four chapters readable before January is over, assuming anyone is still willing to give this fic the light of day and help me with editing. If everything goes as planned, then I may get to the end of the arc by early to mid February. It seems as though End of Ponies is doomed to have a month-and-a-half go by in between posting. I hate it and lurve it all at once, because so long as it makes it possible for me to produce what I have been as of late, than I personally think it's tolerable. I can't speak for everyone, though.

I have a new e-mail address, as you can probably tell from my posting. If you wanna female dog at me, you know how to do so. Anyways, until later, f'naaa and thanks for all the bandwidth.
>> No. 78844
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> my simian battle cry when
Heh, I know it's one of your trademark catchphrases, but I've never seen a six-month-old human fetus crawl out of its mother's uterus and into a second uterus, so I think it's safe to say we're a subset of placental mammals.

Looks like I need to hurry up and finish my promised proofreading. I'm just so exhausted right now from work and coding and stuff. Is it easy to find the commented-on sentences in your copy of the docs? Let me know if I've confused you with the machinations of my OCD.
>> No. 78859
Let me guess....Rainbow Dash?
>> No. 78882
>> No. 78893
>not sure anyone is going to be prepared for what it has to throw at them

In the emotional sense, sure. You're good at pulling the feelings out anyway even when the scene has been set up well in advance and anticipated for a decent length of time. In any other respects, challenge accepted.

Anyway, I am excite.
>> No. 78911

Inspirational music. Also, Welcome back SS&E.

I recall someone a while back saying that each new chapter was twice as long as the previous ones all combined...Obviously you can't keep that up now that the story is 500k, but still. You are a writing machine. Maybe you can share your dark secrets with us?

As to the story, I am not exactly the greatest as a proofreader, but I like to think that I can look at story elements from different angles; So I will of course pop in from time to time with a thought or three about what I think might happen next. And then be eagerly proven wrong when you exceed expectations once again.

Now. For something funny. "The last few months have been a obtuse mess of whining and petty argument over the internet and censorship thereof. What has it been? Nothing less than a most annoying show known as a "Sopa Opera""
>> No. 78933
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>> No. 78984
You used my art!


Anyway, I can't wait to read the next arc. I'm sure it will be absolutely amazing. I already love the idea so far. My only concern is that my idea of tEoP's world was always a nearly empty world with a few scavenging monsters here and there. I'm pretty sure that this next arc will completely prove me wrong. I love having my head-canon shattered, it gives me new threads of thought to follow.

Anyway, I plan on helping you with proofreading the next arc if I get a chance. I've been talking to you on Steam so you pretty much know all of this already, but whatever.

>> No. 79024
That someone was me. Each arc is (more-or-less) the length of the previous arcs combined.

Calculating on wonky FIMfic wordcounts:
Expository arc: 56 367 ~ 56k
Applejack arc: 80 083 ~ 80k
Fluttershy arc: 108096 ~ 108k
Pinkie Pie arc: 269192 ~ 269k

E+A = 136k
E+A+F = 244k

Obviously, it doesn't work out exactly, but it's close if you squint a bit and do some more rounding.

But as you said Anon, this trend is going to be broken. Else we'd have a 500k Petra arc and a one million word whatever the arc after that is.
>> No. 79060
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Heh, this is still earlier than I expected. I honestly wasn't expecting anything from you until near the 1st of February considering the sheer amount of words in the thing, let alone story and emotion.

Who knows, maybe I'll actually get the time to fully re-read the pinkie arc with its changes. College+Work make for little time to read fanfics. Though it does make for money with which to purchase an actual recording mic+software for my audio stuff.

Hooray for new tripcodes! I look forward to the rest of the story you're making SSE. I can't write nearly as well as I can review and you give me the chance to use that skill for a story that I enjoy reading whether I'm critiquing or simply reading. I don't think there's any other fanific that I've gone back and reread anything of other than this, so I'm just glad to be part of bringing this story to life.

Am I doing this right?
>> No. 79070
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>>I've never seen a six-month-old human fetus crawl out of its mother's uterus and into a second uterus

I heard someone did the opposite of that in a Peter Jackson movie once. I want to hug a pony now.

>>Let me guess....Rainbow Dash?

I'll just say this, I'll never be able to make her as badass as you have.

>>Anyway, I plan on helping you with proofreading the next arc if I get a chance. I've been talking to you on Steam so you pretty much know all of this already, but whatever.

Go to bed, young man!

>>Anyway, I am excite.

Rainbow! Welcome to dye!

>>That someone was me. Each arc is (more-or-less) the length of the previous arcs combined.

Well hypothesized, good sir. You've earned your cameo, lulz.

>>Inspirational music

Back at ya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXH2-ps2JJ4&feature=channel_video_title

Yaaaay, Candle-stick head.

>>Am I doing this right?

I'm pretty sure he should be green with bat ears.

Alright, on to boring things. I've worked more on chapter 28. I'm about 23 pages into it. It has kind of a boring beginning, also over-the-top antagonist is over-the-top. The Dredgemane Arc had the prideful zealot, Breathstar and the stalinist badass, Sladeburn. This time, I'm aiming for a Heath Ledger meets Wally Gator thing. F'naaa.

Chapter 28 will have the first major 'action scene' of this arc. It's one of the big 'setpieces' I imagined while conjuring this part of the fic up. That said, the saga's gonna end with a bang too. While Fluttershy's arc and Pinkie's arc had relatively philosophical climaxes, this thing is gonna be explosive. It's gonna be like the Applejack troll battle at one hundred twenty kilometers per hour. I'm not bragging... just painting something of a broad picture for you marsupials.

Realistically speaking, I'm hoping to have this chapter done maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. Only by sheer psychosis would I have it finished by the weekend's end, but I've been known to do crazy shiet before.

Nmiaow... Sleep is a word, just like terrorism.
>> No. 79221
Oh great, you're back?
Pfff, there goes my entire week. I had so much planned. The therapist says I was making progress too, guess that's going out the window now.
>> No. 79224
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I proofread chapter 5: http://bit.ly/ArFaDt I hope that being mesmerized through portions of it didn't compromise my powers of observation. Still, however, I found plenty of things that deserve to be fixed/improved, as I did in earlier chapters.

I also feel the need to ask at this point: Skirts, was this story intended, if even in part, as a gigantic allegory for the irreversible loss of childhood/innocence? The theme seems cogent enough that every reference to time travel can be seen as a symbolization of nostalgia and fond recollection, and every reference to reviving the wastelands and finding out what caused the cataclysm of the fourth age a symbolization of reviving a zest for life and love of simple joys, and finding out why the proverbial babe of childhood was thrown out with the bathwater of its immature trappings and habits. That being said, I think that this is the fanfic to end all fanfics, because it arguably speaks directly to the heart of the brony. What makes the allegory especially obvious is how Scootaloo sends up the beacon looking for friends and gets trolls instead. What's more, there's the rainbow beacon; when Scootaloo sees a real rainbow, she "could not see where it began" or "where it ended." That makes it a symbol of life itself, and how as children we have much less awareness of time and mortality.

Since we're passing inspirational music around:
One of the many things I listened to while reading it.

The five proofread chapters, with comments, so you can see where your earlier writing needs your attention:
1: http://bit.ly/txnIMh
2: http://bit.ly/rHCzT0
3: http://bit.ly/uD3HSs
4: http://bit.ly/ved7B5
5: http://bit.ly/ArFaDt

I shall continue reading. I shall do so using my spiffy new tablet, which I got partially for the purpose of reading fanfiction, but mostly for reading through my collection of dry technical ebooks on web app development. Unfortunately, the Google Docs app doesn't support inline commenting yet, so if I find any problems and I have the gumption to make note of them, I'll just have to paw out some chickenscratch (the way I did in >>78218) so that I can return later and produce more concise comments on what's wrong and where.

Don't know what kind of salutation to put here, if any.
- Demetrius

> pic is not a marsupial, but it's the first thing I could find that I felt like posting with (also, it's a primate, and ringtailed lemurs are adorable)
>> No. 79406
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>>Skirts, was this story intended, if even in part, as a gigantic allegory for the irreversible loss of childhood/innocence?

Yeesh. Your analysis humbles me, and your kerfluffle is always so eloquently written. Any chance you could finish this fanfic for me?

Ah well.

Seriously, I lurve your comments. And that's going beyond my own ego-stroaking, your stuff is full of intelligent insight. I look forward to going through your proofreading... which I WILL do. I want to have the first five chapters edited by the time I post the Petra arc. I think it would make for appropriate bookends by the next update.

The most basic building blocks of EoP was my wanting to have a backup story idea in the event that my original fic 'I Remember Rainbow Dash' bombed... which it did. So, I settled upon this Scootaloo idea. What I lurve most about Scootaloo is her idolization of Rainbow Dash. I worship Rainbow Dash in general, so I found here fixation on her adorable.

I think I was inspired by a John Joseco artpiece (featured) that had an adult, badass looking Scootaloo, and I got to thinking 'What if Scootaloo grew up and her adult life contrasted with the idyllic imaginings she had of being a mature pegasus due to her fixation on Rainbow Dash?' So, I started imagining Scootaloo growing up to become a cynic, and then somehow meeting up with the Rainbow Dash of her past and having the two be compared by the merit of who they were as adult mares. Would Scootaloo still think of Rainbow Dash in the same mesmerizing light? Would Rainbow Dash be proud of her in return?

Then I started making the situation more hyperbolic, and imagined Scootaloo being forced into a horrible future scenario where she had no choice but to live a depressing life, something that tempered her into something infinitely times more badass than the Rainbow Dash she remembered as a child. Would her admiration still reside in some foalish part of her, even though she had grown leaps and bounds beyond the nature of Rainbow Dash?

I had seen 12 Monkeys earlier in 2011, so I ripped that off and used that as a plot point, and suddenly I had this idea of an emotionally charged grimdark fic where a young foal who was old enough to remember a happy past ended up having to return to it after becoming the last pony of merit in a nasty future, and the rest is a train wreck. F'naaa.

On to more general things, I've written another 21 pages or so of Chapter 28. I'm having high hopes for this chapter, even if it begins rather boringly. Still, it won't be done until a few days from now. Anyone paying attention may notice that I've already submitted stuff to Vimbert. Please don't take it personally. It's just that Vimbert is God.

That reminds me, tomorrow is the sabbath and I must work. May Vimbert have mercy on my soul.
>> No. 79408
As I have said at least once, I can't wait for the Dash arc. Each and every chunk of this story we've hit so far has only made that desire stronger.

Not only is Dash best pony, but with everything that's happened here I can't imagine any outcome that wouldn't be amazing.

ALSO, I understand you granting Vimbert his privileged position and I do think that's probably the right thing to do. I've just started taking any excuse I can get to talk at you. Your fault. I tried not to stalk you. I tried to sit quietly and only stalk this thread, but then email happened and now you'll never see the end of me.

You've had a hand in creating one or more monsters. The fic itself qualifies, as do your legions of rabid followers.
>> No. 79409
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>>your legions of rabid followers.
>> No. 79415
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Thank you for the inside commentary into how your story came to be. So, The End of Ponies wasn't intended to be an allegory about The End of Childhood - although it is about Scoots growing up, facing the horrors and bleakness of a world that doesn't care about her, becoming badass, and soul-searching in the past to find out what caused the death of Equestria. Nevertheless, you've given me some things to think about - in particular, trying to discern the more specific details of the cognitive Rube Goldberg machine in your brain that conspired to produce this story of yours from the basic premises and the concept of 12 Monkeys that you "ripped off". That is because I'm hoping to install and configure a similar thought process on my own headserver, but I aim to improve on it by avoiding some of the stylistic quirks I've noticed in your writing (most notably, awkward over-usage of certain words and phrases). So I'm reading slowly but carefully, and taking notes.

Speaking of which, here they are, as promised, for chapters 6 & 7 so far (I won't clutter the thread with one-chapter updates but will keep them grouped, I promise). The pawed-out notes are mainly cues for points in the text to return to after I've enjoyed the chapter, to see if there's anything to which I can offer after a second glance (and to double-check if they're actually incorrect or could arguably use improving). It allows me to enjoy reading without having to spend too much time interrupting myself to comment. I didn't make proofreading copies in this case because it wasn't necessary; it appears Vimbert's assessment was correct. The first five chapters hadn't been given as much attention as the later ones was correct, and so with less to take note of, I'm putting stuff into posts instead as I Oreck my way through the story, picking up things others have missed.

Hokay, now if you'll excuse the snark I've taken the liberty to employ in some of these cases, Ctrl-F to find them:

Chapter 6
Scootascratch: http://bit.ly/ztqxDm
>She saw the porcelain Southern Mountains
I take it this was winter and they were completely covered in snow (hence 100% white)? Otherwise, this is a strange metaphor.

> Scootaloo felt her lungs quivering, her pants coming out in tiny hyperventilating chirps.
> her pants coming out
> her pants
> pants
I broke down and laughed out loud when I read this because of how it's so easily taken the wrong way. I daresay you could replace "pants" with "breaths" and move the first adjective on "chirps" over to it in order to retain the emphasis on how her breathing was shallow and frantic, and without adding to the wordcount of the sentence.

> the reflection of a strange pegasus came into being, a young filly with a rusted copper coat
"Filly" = young female equine, hence what you want here is "young mare."

> Stallions!... Ha HA!” Cheerilee guffawed and clapped her hooves, wide-eyed. “Dang it to blazes—Where were you after I hit puberty?!”
I'm pretty sure you meant to attribute this line of dialogue to Scootaloo and not Cheerilee.

> Epithets are meant to be engraved on ponies' stones, not on their faces.
You mean epitaphs. Epithets are racial slurs (well, that's one rather significant definition, but none of the definitions match the context).

> ...the legacy they have left behind remains remarkably in tact, including the most inane...

> Her scarlet eyes sashayed down the rows of neatly scribbled words, and her optics brightened at the end of the perusal.
Two things:
1. Although you over-use the verb "sashay", this is one of the few locations in the text where it might be appropriate / colorful.
2. You needn't put in a second full identification of her eyes. The subject of the first clause is the same as the second, so all you'd need is a pronoun, if anything. To explicate: ...and (they) brightened at the end of the(ir) perusal. (optional stuff in parentheses)

> ...fully ready for performing this search; as it will prepare you for the next chronal leap at hoof."
s/;/,/ | /as / d
Option 1: kill the semicolon, and the second clause is subordinate.
Option 2: kill the "as" and the second clause is independent.

> She stared intently at tooth, sweating.
At the tooth.

> The pony must have done all it could to keep the door shut, right up to the bitter burning end.
This is toeing the line as narration. Setting aside how this merely states what is obvious and better left for the reader to infer from the already-well-conveyed description of Big Macintosh's skeleton, it amounts to the narrator musing and speculating. That's why you could remove it with impunity. Only the densest of readers won't pick up on what you state in this sentence.

> Scootaloo could no longer contain it.
Ambiguous pronoun referring to an unspecified emotion makes it seem a bit cheesy. I'd recommend replacing it with "herself" or "her [insert emotion here]"

> ...your next run-in with a monster—thinking about all the ways you gotta keep yourself alive to keep yourself alive another dayless day...
"Keep yourself alive" is repeated twice and I don't think you meant to do this.

> I've pried teeth loose, sliced horns off of unicorns, carved rings off of fingers—
> rings off of fingers
> fingers

> I tell you, Scootaloo, there is no earth pony who absolutely loved, took care of, and relished in the fruits of the earth than Applejack.
You're not using a comparative adverb (i.e. "more than") so "than" is out of place in the sentence.

Chapter 7:
Scootascratch: http://bit.ly/ykz1yl
> Applejack laughed pathetically, her eyes rolling back.
Very poor choice of adverb in my opinion.

> "penumbra" / "serrated" / "snarl"
These are words that you continually misuse and abuse the most, even worse than with "nubile". Penumbra = partial shadow. Serrated = jagged in a many-times repeated pattern. Snarl = to make a snarling sound, i.e. an angry critter. I've seen them tossed around and used in so many ways that it has driven me to complain more loudly about this. I'm certain there are instances where a little stretching of definitions is fine for metaphorical purposes, but I think that using the word too often makes it easier for a reader to draw the conclusion that you aren't aware of the definition. The instances of "serrated" in this chapter, none of which adequately fit the context of what is being described:
> ...the serrated beak of the rusted rooster...
> ...her pitchfork aimed serratedly ahead of her...
> ...mercilessly slashed the serrated length of the pitchfork's teeth...
> In a sudden serrated backflip...
And penumbra:
> ...Applejack crossed over into the penumbra of the beautifully crackling strings.
> ...to the surly grumbles in the penumbra of the copper pegasus...
The first instance of "penumbra" could be considered a bit poetic, but in the second I have no idea what you had meant to say. As for snarl, there's not much in this chapter apart from "snarling kick" and "snarled her teeth", but you use it too often in the previous chapter. You might want to search out instances and do some thesaurusing for this one so that your narrative's diction is more diverse.

> Before Applejack so much as opened her mouth, Scootaloo strolled into view and smiled placidly the elder's way.
She was already in view.

> ...tended to the last livestock chores before sauntering lethargically into the family farmhouse.
Verb "sauntering" and "lethargically" do NOT go well together. You'd be better off reaching for a different verb that conveys tiredness right out of the box instead of using "sauntering" yet again.

> ...sent her on waves of bitter sweet euphoria...
"Bittersweet", a compound word.

> made a face
This phrase shows up six times in both of these chapters. I think that's over-use.

> ...the one creature inside the cage effortlessly snapped the bars open...
If the action was effortless, why did it take until that moment for the troll to complete it?
>> No. 79464
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I forgot to add: in chapter 7,
> ...back to the days when a pink haired foal shared cookies, cupcakes, and soda...
"Pink-haired"; compound modifier requires a hyphen. Furthermore, Pinkie Pie was hardly a foal at that time.
> The orange mare nodded numbly and gave the pegasus a cockeyed loot.

Also, in a number of the instances where you use "instantly", I believe "immediately" would sound better and be more fitting, i.e. "she immediately recognized". I think the same could be said of "constantly", where "continually" is a nice alternative.

I have been very, very tempted to participate in said stalking. But ss&e needs room to breathe so that the story can progress - which is what I remind myself of every time I feel like doing so. I mean, hell, I've had ss&e's email address since I started reading; one can obtain it through Google Docs, so I have indeed been tempted (and ss&e, if you're reading this, know that if you want to dissociate an email account from a Google doc there's a way to transfer its ownership to another account). But I don't want to give the impression that if my efforts aren't recognized I'll hunt down and beat skirts to death with a style manual, so I've done my best to keep quiet except for posting criticism / proofreads.
> The fic itself qualifies, as do your legions of rabid followers.
Speaking of which, I think we rabid followers should band together and write a wiki page;
Like I said (>>79032) it has a profound lack of End of Ponies. Also, considering it's alphabetically arranged, the EoP entry would show up right next to Fallout: Equestria in the list of pages. Imagine how awesome that would be -- the two biggest fanfics, right next to each other.
>> No. 79480
File 132726913479.png - (792.75KB , 700x700 , special_talent__badassery_by_sleepwalks-d4n1s1b.png )
> ...back to the days when a pink haired foal shared cookies, cupcakes, and soda...
>"Pink-haired"; compound modifier requires a hyphen. Furthermore, Pinkie Pie was hardly a foal at that time.

Don't forget that Scootaloo has pink hair, I'm just trying to remember not look this up, but I believe that is talking about her, not Pinkie Pie.

>Wiki Page
Yes... I believe we can remedy the lack. I won't have the time to do so however until next weekend, so someone else can start it up in the meantime or I will do so Friday.

Rabid not so much, followers, for sure. Though I'm naturally an extremely quiet person, it takes something specific I want to say to get me to say anything at all, so I haven't done any stalking. Though maybe I should do a bit more on the email side... Now I'm tempted.

>Green with bat ears.
Should I take this as a cameo hint?

Well, I think that's all I wanted to say, back to writing for this /fic/ war of words thing.
>> No. 79489
File 132727056145.jpg - (104.53KB , 1600x1520 , Babyloo.jpg )
Ah yes, correction: context might indicate it's Scootaloo ("...with two other blank flanks..."). However, that being the case (since it is Scootaloo's reminiscence, after all) the indefinite article is very awkward; it would be appropriate only if the "pink-haired foal" were some other character. The definite article would thus be called for in this case --
> Taste buds that had been long retired in the back of her mouth exploded to life, throttling her brain back to the days when a the pink haired foal shared cookies, cupcakes, and soda with two other blank flanks under a pink roofed Sugarcube Corner.
>> No. 79493
I'm in favor of leaving it as is. It distances and disconnects. Her childhood self is unimaginably far away, so much so that it's easy to forget the two are the same pony.

Love to help, but I'd ruin it. The end product would be somewhere between a hacked apart synopsis that desperately tries and fails to avoid spoilers and me just shouting about how good it is over and over again.
>> No. 79504
That's the most challenging thing about proofing an already well-acclaimed and well-written story: while there can be plenty of things that are obvious errors, there are so many instances of things that look like errors but that one cannot be certain are non-deliberate. Chapter 4 was the one place so far wherein I saw areas in style (esp. sentence structure) that certainly needed improvement. Most of the rest of the time I found myself distraught between pointing things out that seemed amiss for the sake of asking if they were intentional and ignoring them so I could simply enjoy the story and move on to finding far worse errors.

As for the wiki page: no need for a plot summary, just a synopsis and some commentary on how it has become something of a cult fic, in addition to a brief foray into the literary techniques and style of the writing. I may start on this today, if only because I want to see another six-digit number in that list of fanfics.
>> No. 79641
i been freaking out waiting this long! but i shouldn't take your epic writing skills for granted.
also i said i'd be dissapoint if RD wasn't last........ well i lied!
anyways your getting me all kinds of pumped up when i read your big post on this shiny new thread!
i'd just like to say this now to get it out of the way, theres no reason with your epic writing talent that you couldn't put a bag over ours heads and hit us with a hammer...... as in you could throw a curve ball and give us a surprise plot that ends up throwing the entire story into new direction making it instead a 10+ arc story! eeeeeeeeee i can only dream cus again thats taking you and your time for granted again.......

anyways i just want to thank you in advance for this epic arc! i can't to read for endless hours! the bed sores that will show up on my ass however............
>> No. 79737
Why are you never online on Steam when I want to ask you for details for my drawings?

I guess I'll just have to figure out what the interior of the Harmony looks like for that potentially amazing drawing you wanted all by my lonesome...
>> No. 79836
I'm finished reading ch. 26, but my audio log is roughly half a goddamned hour. Unfortunately, I can't sift through all that before class, so expect another review in my thread this evening.
>> No. 79924
God has spoken.
>> No. 79960
Funfact: As of the end of the Pinkie Pie arc, End of Ponies as a word count very close to "Les Misérables", which is one of the longest novels ever published.
>> No. 79972
Oh don't you worry. It's gonna get a lot longer before it gets any shorter. Petra arc chapters are pretty darn thick.
>> No. 80056

who's petra
>> No. 80098
I assume that "Petra" is merely the next arc name, since it supposedly takes place back in the wasteland.

Now, I took a look at the review/prereader thread for this, and while I fully trust in your ability to make an awesome story, and Vimberts ability to smack you when you go loco...It's like a giant noodle incident in textual format over there!

(That's a good thing, but now I really want the "Deleted scenes" edition. Also, in said thread I noticed something about color changing; IN series ponies coats act like moodrings. Just look at Pinkie.)
>> No. 80104
by noodle incident, are you reffering to Calvin and hobbes, or is the whole thing just a big "brain noodle"?
>> No. 80117
Color changing referred to the text in the document, not the ponies.
>> No. 80127
I meant in reference to your comment about Scoots' coat color changing with age(or cataclysm). Kinda like how Pinkies coat faded a bit on her birthday.
>> No. 80130
I's done looking at 25/26/27, boss.

"The explanation for Scoots' eyes changing doesn't hold water. When we see the mane six as fillies, their eye colors don't change once they become adults. This could easily be explained as some sort of side effect of the Cataclysm, along with her coat becoming duller."

Is what was said. I'm fairly neutral on it. Some people's appearances change more than others. Some crazy cases end up looking like completely different people. Why can't the same hold for ponies? The mane six still look much like they did, while Scoots does not.

Eh, that feels like a weak justification. Whatever. I'm neutral on the subject and I'm more of a (poor) cleanup monkey than an actual problem solver anyway.

Btw, bright shinies are SO last arc. Nobody cares who saw 'em anymore. Nowadays it's all about being full of frostbeams. Change your cool hip lingo references accordingly.
>> No. 80196
File 132758421260.png - (230.04KB , 660x576 , FS-++-WayExcited.png )
>Haven't surfed fic in a while
>Scrolls through and sees this

Anyway, Glad to see you're on the job. I really wish I had time to contribute by helping proof read and stuff, but really all I can do right now is read :/...

Another thing, I probably won't ever get to see the end of this fic. On April 24th, I'm leaving to go to Brazil and I'll have 0 internet access for 2 years except for a few emails once a week. So unless you have a magical wordgasm all over google docs, I highly doubt that I'll see the conclusion to this story for long enough that I might forget it existed... :(

But, I'm glad you're back and I can't wait for the next installment of the adventures of best pony Scootaloo and Harmony. <3

PS: I read Fo:E... That dude had never written a story in his life until that moment. You can actually watch the writing style and character development get progressively better as the story goes on, but because it didn't start good, the whole thing ended up being a slow read. So I think it's safe to assume you have both the best written and longest fic in the history of pony fanfiction. Congrats! :3

PPS: I'm working on a new epic song, partially inspired by this here fic. I'll let you know when it comes out. ;)
>> No. 80200

Ok, I am tired of this, particularly the need to compare two completely different works, despite the fact both have glaring flaws.

I will not start a war here where I go around jumping at everything in the story, but instead will ask you to do one thing:

FoE is worse than this story you say? And the first chapters are much worse than the later ones? I want you to, in specific terms, to demonstrate this, by showing use this weak characterization you speak of, and more importantly, I want you to show the "flaws" of FoE in those first chapters.

And I want examples, I want specific comparisons, I want you to show with actual facts that your words are right.

And believe me, there is much to harp FoE about, but I am tired go getting the feeling you are just talking for talking, and that you have no clue what you speak of.

So there, please, show us your literary prowess in analyzing FoE and showing us it's true and terrible writing, or stop actively trying to "prove" this story is better by making nebulous statements such as "writing style and character development get progressively better" rather than just saying you enjoy the story.

And no, my friend, telling me I am mad is not a response.
>> No. 80204
Actually it is. I've already written my fully detailed review of Fo:E and I'm not about to write it here. This thread is about EoP not Fo:E. I was stating an opinion in a general sense based on what I had read. I didn't compare these stories, just my overall liking of them. There's no need to jump in and make me "prove" my opinion on somethingas trivial as a fanfic.

Please just simmer down and enjoy whatever fics you enjoy reading. I'm not gonna harp your opinion, so I ask that you don't harp mine. Thank you.
>> No. 80208
Did you now? Please do link, particularly if it has examples. If not, then the point still remains.

As for your opinion, indeed it is your opinion, but if I went around telling others FoE is a literary masterpiece and that It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door is worse in comparison, it goes without saying that I must be able to establish why FoE is better (with specific examples, which actually show that you did more than just skim the text and then went "I don't get it", the normal fate such things as Ulysses and Gravity's Rainbow have), or expect others to go and say "I get the feeling you have no idea what you are talking about."

As much as you are entitled to your personal opinion, I am entitled to simply dismissing it by pointing out you don't know what you are saying, and that you should limit yourself to simply enjoying the story rather than leaving yourself open to people with a literary background which could make holes in your arguments. Why? Because this is exactly the reaction you would get if you went to any literary group worth its salt, and said "A Hundred Years of Solitude is much better than Infinite Jest." Even you are a fan of One Hundred Years of solitude you have to question such statements, mainly because the improvement of literature depends upon them.

This is a thread about EoP, but your comparison brings FoE into the mix and as such we have to do something simple: we must see FoE from the lens of EoP and see what we can acquire to imrpove or analyze this one better. Mind you not, I didn't bring that into play, you did; you did the instant you decided to state that "You can actually watch the writing style and character development get progressively better as the story goes on, but because it didn't start good, the whole thing ended up being a slow read. So I think it's safe to assume you have both the best written and longest fic in the history of pony fanfiction."

Safe to assume? By whom? What justification you have for said statement? This goes beyond "an opinion in a general sense based on what I had read", this an outright statement of fact, because there is a qualitative measure of comparison in play, something which you cannot deny. Thus, I come here, as the devil's advocate, with the desire to show you that making that statement is perhaps not wise, simply because you will find people who will come and demand you show your reasoning, as any literary minded person will do.

Do I enjoy this story? Very much so, but after years of battling blinded fans and obnoxious fanboys, going at the root and reminding everyone that justification for one's statements are the basis of literature (let it be in stories, essays, or even graffiti) so that in the end we actually have healthy discussions and can help stories improve.

So when I tell you, "prove" your statements, I am not looking for something definite, I am just looking at you to show you know what you are talking about, and if you don't, to stop being so pedantic about something you don't know, such as what is better writing rather than the more appropriate "I enjoyed reading this better", which is more likely what you mean.
>> No. 80210
The thread was in /oat/ and it died a while ago. I'm reporting you now for derailing Skirt's thread.
>> No. 80213
And I am reporting you for derailing it as well.

Quite simply put, you compare it to FoE, I retorted I found your comparison to be baseless and ask you to show it.

Considering this all relates to EoP based from your statement, I hardly see a derail.

Plus, as much as I enjoy seeing post after post stating that they love this story from the bottom of their hearts, I am bringing a discussion to the literary merits of both this and FoE, something which requires the mentioning of FoE and is relevant to both SSAE, who would probably be interested in knowing how does this stand in comparison to other works, plus anyone else interested, who would like to read but can't get themselves to start a 500k+ work that is growing before their eyes.

Reporting me for derail is just reporting me for bring up a debate about EoP, which quite frankly doesn't speak well for your ability to argue your point, which is my whole point of this intrusion.

So let me repeat, using specific examples, show your point abotu FoE and show how EoP is better from that.

If discussion is a derail, then /fic/ is dead.
>> No. 80216
If this 'discussion' isn't a derail, then why are you talking in spoilers?

I didn't derail the thread by posting one simple general joking opinion. When I say "It's safe to say", it's a joke, it's sarcasm, people still use that.

Asking me for my detailed review of a fic that isn't the OP fic is derailing. If you want to talk about comparing fics, make a thread about it, don't intrude in someone's thread and start demanding answers, because that is derailing and I will report you for it.

Now please, drop this before you get banned.

Skirts: Sorry bro, didn't mean for this to happen.
>> No. 80219
File 132759761759.jpg - (52.57KB , 600x524 , 130138098627.jpg )
Particularly if you are who I think you are, Samurai, then let me attempt to respond, as I've made much the same claim that "EoP is Fallout:Equestria, but better," without really outlining my reasons.

First of all, EoP deals more with canon and doesn't feature OCs. I don't hate original characters in fanfiction, but using canonical characters allows Skirts to be closer to the spirit of the show. Even though Skirts sets much of the story in a brutal wasteland (like Fo: E), he roots it deeply in the show, and even though our heroine has been knocked around quite a bit by the world, she holds onto hope and trying to fix things. There's more of the essential spirit of ponies and the show itself in the work, and that's something I can respect.

Second, Skirts isn't afraid to dive into deep issues. A few chapters have really explored some powerful themes such as dealing with the inevitability of death, whereas Fo: E often concerns itself with surface issues. Littlepip's drug addiction is a notable aversion to this, but other issues, such as the zebra (can't remember her name) and her many issues with family are often skimmed over.

Third, while Skirts does have some consistent grammatical issues (adverb abuse ahoy), at least he doesn't foul up things like the dialogue attributions, incorrect capitalizations, and other issues I've seen crop up in Fo: E chapters.

Fourth, Skirts cultivates a strong theme in all his works, that of struggling to fight that which cannot be fought, whereas Fo: E occasionally bounces around between heavy drama (such as Pip's drug addiction) and lighthearted, often out-of-place comedy (lesbian jokes, anyone?) to the overall detraction of the theme.

Fifth, Skirts is a master of foreshadowing. Often within an arc I'll pinpoint something as slightly out of place or superfluous, only to later discover that the very same element come back as something poignant in a later chapter. Fo: E does do this to an extent, but with the exception of the cyclical ending and Littlepip's plan to defeat the Goddess I cannot recall many strong instances of this.

I'm running short on sleep and it's been some time since I read Fallout: Equestria, so I may be shortchanging it. Both pieces are good works, and while you can see each author noticeably improve in later chapters, I feel Skirts started stronger and has achieved the sort of bleak hope that Kkat aimed for, while maintaining more of the "essence" of the setting, so to speak. I'm not the most well-versed in literature, nor am I the most clever person. I also realize I'm not citing specific examples, but without spending hours and hours going over each piece, this is the best I can do.
>> No. 80220
Much of this is based in opinion, and I apologize for not having more backing. I really need to get some sleep so I can express myself a bit better.
>> No. 80221
Thanks Bert. You get some rest now <3

Okay, I'll answer because Bert did most of the work for me thanks, typing on this thing is a pain. Basically what Bert said withtheaddition of this: The way that Fo:E starts is very character empty, and by that I mean, the character hasn't been given any past other than waht we've been told (not shown) and we're expected to make a connection to lil pip who has a life that none of us have, and an undetailed past that we cannot easily sympathize with. And this disconnection (and the things Bert mentioned) leads to the minimalization of the suspension of disbelief, especially when it gets to the more graphic scenes in the beginning.

Skirts does something completely different. He starts off with characters we know and love and throws them straight into a heart poundingly horrific event that changes everything. At this point the reader is hooked and continues to read, but instead of giving us everything that happened between the event and the chase of philomena, he gives us another interesting scene that our minds try to wrap around and unwind the mystery of. He gives us Scootaloo's new personality and lifestyle through journal entries and the diamond dog deal. With this he perfectly establishes her past without telling us hardly a thing about it because we as readers go back and try to imagine what kind of life would lead to such a dramatic change in personality, and are thus instantly sympathizing with her.

The difference is, Skirts is the master of the suspension of disbelief, while Fo:E is just a story with horrific scenes and characters that take quite a few chapters (10-ish) to begin connecting with.

There, you know have why I say what I say about these rics. Now back to our scheduled mock worship of Skirts.

time to take my lunch break
>> No. 80228
File 132760089623.gif - (89.65KB , 200x150 , heels_gif (200×150).gif )
Written before the response
I used spoilers because you used spoilers, or don't you remember this?

PS: I read Fo:E... That dude had never written a story in his life until that moment. You can actually watch the writing style and character development get progressively better as the story goes on, but because it didn't start good, the whole thing ended up being a slow read. So I think it's safe to assume you have both the best written and longest fic in the history of pony fanfiction. Congrats! :3

Your usage of spoilers then paints an interesting light into your reasoning about my spoilers doesn't it?

As for a full-pledged review, remember what I said:

FoE is worse than this story you say? And the first chapters are much worse than the later ones? I want you to, in specific terms, to demonstrate this, by showing use this weak characterization you speak of, and more importantly, I want you to show the "flaws" of FoE in those first chapters.

And I want examples, I want specific comparisons, I want you to show with actual facts that your words are right.

See that, just as it was presented.

Doing comparisons with a single story makes as much sense as sorting corn into two groups, corn and not corn, so you are now changing what I ask for as well, I am asking you to show the comparison between the two stories, something which I am sure not only is pertinent to this thread. Where else to discuss "I think EoP is better than FoE" than in an EoP thread? In the side story thread? In the FoE thread? That doesn't make sense, the one we are discussing here is EoP and how FoE compares to it.

Thus, this:
Asking me for my detailed review of a fic that isn't the OP fic is derailing.

Is wrong, that isn't what I ask, I ask you to compare them, as you admit here:

If you want to talk about comparing fics, make a thread about it, don't intrude in someone's thread and start demanding answers, because that is derailing and I will report you for it.

On which you seem to be getting my point, but instead want to go out and make another thread for a purpose that this thread already covers. So I am either left with you not wanting to answer by stating that you can't do it right now, or that you aren't actually reading what I said. Both which don't paint the situation very well.

Well, that settles that, my point of debate about this story still remains though, as your point is essential for new readers and it's also important because it goes into what everyone is getting out of the story. I read both of these stories, I can make comparisons, but if I were another person who hadn't done so I would get the feeling I should read this, simply because it's normal human aversion to listen to another guy who makes blanket statements without reason.

You can continue ignoring what I ask for, it doesn't matter at this point, mainly because I think what I am trying to say has been established.

And who told you this aren't specific examples?

I could quote a whole book and find similar lines, but you would be missing the point.

My point was this, exactly what was written here. You don't need to go and show me a specific scene (I have, after all, read both stories and can pin-point quite nicely on my own) but rather specific reasons, something which PiercingSight seems adamant in not doing.

Such flaws in FoE are actually not the even the tip of it, but that doesn't detract from it's literary merits any more than the faults of this one do. And that is the point, that is why we even care to sit down in literature classes and speak of literary movements, works, and authors.

SSaE needs no one to tell him that he can write, but, as seen multiple times by anyone who cares to read and I apologize for the language, appalling developments that at times pierce their way though the writing and lose sight of what is actually important.

In many ways, the contributions of /fic/ to this story are what make it be what it is, something which SSaE has stated multiple times in both his threads, the places where he hosts the stories, and what not. So where does this lead us? It doesn't lead us to say blanket statements, it demands for the good of the story that all that are involvement in its production are capable of arguing and supporting it.

This isn't a fan thread, sadly this doesn't have that many fans, but rather it's a place where the story takes the shape that it should (or at least, a shape closer to what it should) and going about stating "EoP is Fallout:Equestria, but better," doesn't help that, particularly if you can't say why.

If you can't say why, you are left with an unsubstantiated statement which will lead to people not wanting to read, simply because they are being told that their favorite story is bad. You don't want that, you want to make sure that whenever you go into a discussion of improvement you can tell the author that you are helping how much you understand every single piece of literature that use to understand how to improve a story. You are the writers of EoP (no offense to Skirt, who is akin to a rocket with fins, needing constant correction), and thus the others who might want to read the story need this sort of guidance to understand this isn’t just a bunch of fans screaming to each other in circles.

Which all leads back to my apphrehension of this to continuously go and say “X is better than Y” instead of saying, “X has this point stronger, which might have been good that is Y explore more”. Is it longer? Is it more difficult to write and to construct? Yes, but it is also the essence of improvement to know what is right and why, as well as knowing what is wrong and why. I won’t lie, I don’t really care much for eatiher story, I am not impressed by length and I am frankly not moved by cheap construct of emotions. But such such do not have to remain, especially if everyone here writes things out with the full-knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. EoP is the victory writing against the authors whims, the editors ignorance of the greater schemes, the settings happiness, and the worlds bleakness, but it’s a victory acquired through analysis and justification.

So whenever you make a statement such as "EoP is Fallout:Equestria, but better," and do not offer your reasoning, you can be certain I will appear there and act as the devil’s advocate, because if no one does it, it slowly decays everything. Granted, I will never enter into those silly “this thread is better” discussion, childish if there were ever one.

And was that so hard? You, as one of those who is here in the process of its production and clearly capable of making literary analysis, had to wait until Vimbert came along and made the arguments you seemed to have yourself, and he did all that in less than 500 words, the equivalent of about 5 minutes to a good writer, all to make sure that anyone that came here can see what you (or rather, him, because those aren’t your words) sees. Analysis of the sort I requested is the blood of good writing, and simply dismissing it as “derail” or “demanding” isn’t going to help the case this story must make when it finally reaches its 1.2 million words (estimated length based upon very sketchy assumptions about everything), a word count close to In Search of Lost Time, which on it’s own will already eliminate swaths of people, grain collected by reading apathy.

This thread exist not for everyone to call Short Skirts and Explosion the best writer ever, there if FIMfiction for that, but to make the case for people to read it and spread the word for it, something which has to be done with a work of this nature. I have the tendency to hunt down anyone who makes such blanket statements; the work of the devil’s advocate must be left undone, I did so with It’s a Dangerous Business, I did so with FoE, I have done so with many other stories, and I have no intentions to stop now.

As for the lack of picture, swinging my face around is hardly gentlemanly.
>> No. 80229
File 132760107977.jpg - (47.11KB , 471x700 , ZLDYF.jpg )
>Two posts, both with a valid point
It seems like you're just trying to shut him up. While I agree that this story might have the best mechanics in the fandom (beyond the use of words that even the author doesn't apparently understand the definition for *cough*nubile*cough*), I've found my initial enthusiasm for it in constant decline.

I suppose now is as good of a time as any to do one of my quick reviews, since it would be rather hypocritical of me to support the anon whilst not even providing an argument to support my points.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Please note I've only reached the end of Fluttershy's arc.

When the story began, it was unlike anything I had read before. The world was vividly described and gave what was supposed to be a dead wasteland life. Harmony/Scootaloo/The Last Pony was an badass apocalyptic warrior with a touch of philosophy. The OCs that eked out a life in the wastes were unique and interesting. It felt like. I was reading the Pony version of The Road Warrior, but instead of fuel she was searching for magic.

Then Spike happened. As I said before, while an interesting and well-developed character, he doesn't seem to lend himself to particularly engaging plot lines. The Applejack arc managed to faithfully capture the Apple Family's characterization and, while it may have dragged on for a little bit longer than I would have liked, it seemed like you'd be able to pull off the slower stuff as well.

However, Fluttershy's arc wished to prove my assumptions wrong.The issue I noted here was that every character in your story seems to be capable of making the kind of deep and contemplative thoughts that would belong to a zen master. Just about everyone can take a simple thing and break it down into multi-paragraph musings. While in short bursts this can be an enlightening experience, when it happens multiple times a chapter, or even a page, it gets old really quick. This problem is exabberated by the long, winding exposition that Harmony supplies as she hangs on little details with the tenacity of a troll whos dug his claws into fresh meat. Even worse, this narrative style is intact even in the flashbacks to Scootaloo. For Harmony, it at least fits her character since she's well-versed from her years of isolation and contemplation. Scootaloo, however, has yet to experience the wastelands, yet the exposition retains the flowery prose and, as such, makes for a divide between the youthful character and the mature storytelling. I constantly found myself skipping the exposition in search of dialogue that moved the story forawrds, my mind mentally screening the "Get on with it!" scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail as I did so (http://youtu.be/l1YmS_VDvMY).

In short, what began as an interesting and somewhat unique story became a slog as it built upon itself. I feel like this story is a test where you levy higher and higher wordcounts onto the reader to guage where they buckle under all of the superflous descriptions. With the knowledge that Pinkie Pie's arc is as long as all of the other arcs combined (did I read those word count posts right?), I'm left to wonder whether its worth it to continue. Like Harmony beating her way through the Everfree's flora, I'm cutting a path through flowery prose and, alas, my arm has grown tired.

P. S. Oh, and the LUS has gone beyond even my ability to stand. I swear, if I read something dealing with "entrophy" that preceeds "pony" one more time I'm going to give you a strongly-worded complaint.

P.P.S. I love this pic.
>> No. 80231
File 132760192342.jpg - (41.84KB , 749x645 , x8x.jpg )
Additionally, I shall leave a fact and a link for all. Do as you please with them:

Injury to the eyes can have many effects, amongst which are the possibility of color change due to the change in the pigments and the death of the cells that produce them. In other words, unless it is genetic and those are limited to mostly changes in tones, eye colors can change after having a large trauma cause upon them (let it be physical, chemical, or tumor.)

And the link:
>> No. 80234
Woah... Hold on now. I wasn't 'adamant about not giving you an answer', I was trying to keep the thread on tracks, and I feel this is still a derail.

As for waiting for Vimbert, I was still feeling it was a derail, so I refrained; and when I describe things, I text wall, and spending 20 minutes typing on an iPad at work to answer a question about a fanfic isn't something I'm eager to do. I do give critique and helpful advice in these threads, it's just that when I'm short on time and still want to say hi, I'll be brief and say the jist of what I want to say without explaining myself.

I do not disagree that these threads are for critique and building of a story, but I disagree that that's ALL they are about. We're allowed to say something is good or something is bad (in our opinions), and we shouldn't have to be bombarded with requests to defend our statements.

You can't 'prove' whether a work of art is good or bad, but you can feel it. I've always been on the side of art that sees art as a tool for story telling and emotional connections rather than a construction of formulated pieces. Not saying that either of these fics are one or the other, but I'm saying that people enjoy fics in different ways, and I enjoy mine without freaking out at "oh he spelled this wrong" or "Oh this is a run-on" and I focus on purely the story. I don't enjoy nor appreciate a scientific breakdown of my works of art, be it literature, music, or illustration, because science cannot explain emotional connections or freedom of expression.

That is why I tend to avoid critiques such as that. I critique based on the nuances of emotion and the suspension of disbelief, which cannot be aptly described in any language, as opposed to a complete sentence by sentence play by play of how the story is presented.

And so that's all I have to say about that.

It is taking me too long just to write this response, I should be working right now. So I'm gonna stop for now.

Later! <3
>> No. 80235
Lol, LUS is Skirt's style, and he pulls it off really well. The only issue I've had with it is the use of the word "scarlets". So yeah, I'm not going to complain because it's a trivial rule meant to keep readers from explaining things to the point of being unreadable. I can read this fine. :3
>> No. 80238
File 132760330346.jpg - (48.97KB , 768x432 , anton-ego.jpg )
Responses in order of points made by Vimbert.

I would argue that the OCs in FoE are reflections of canon characters, but are instead twisted and hardened by the wasteland they live in. Plus, I couldn't help but notice you don't even mention the memory orbs, which regularly gave canon characters screentime. Also, Littlepip is driven by the same desire to see Equestria and the ponies in it saved from a slow decline, which isn't too far from what Harmony is trying to do.

You must have missed the sub-plot with Red Eye and how blurred the line between doing the right thing and doing what needs to be done is. Or Velvet's belief that everypony deserves to be saved, yet slowly slides into apathy and disillusionment. There are a few more I can think of, but I've never been the best at remembering details.

That's like comparing a Grade AA steak to a Grade AAA steak. They're both steakes, they both taste great, the only difference is how much money exchanged hands to earn that extra vowel. Skirts has /fic/ reviewers editing for him, KKat had some pre-readers.

I would argue that the lighthearted bouncing is far better than the doom-and-gloom that Harmony entertains. It makes for a counterpoint, a brief moment of light that reveals just how dark the world is around them. Without it, everything would settle into some bleak blackness. A story's job is to engage the reader, and if you remain firmly rooted in one tone then it'll all just blur since there's nothing to break up the monotony.

You must have missed the sign pointing to Chekov's Armory (or do they not really count? Honestly unsure). I'm sure there's plenty of out-and-out foreshadowing, but again my memory fails me.
>> No. 80239
Woah. That was some pretty interesting reading what just happened up there.

I too have made the blanket statement about "EoP being better than FoE", for which I was called out on in the previous thread, and for which I apologise. "X is better than Y" perhaps is not a good statement to bandy about.

I guess I may as well say that I agree with what Vim and Piercing had to say about FOE, and in addition I think Chapter 44's mass of meme/episode references were too many too quickly too groan-inducing and too mood-destroying AND the Littlepip/Homage relationship was not nearly developed enough to justify LP's annoying rants about her lover (who seemed to only become her lover because she was the first lesbian she had ever met).

For what it's worth, I'm going to recommend reading the Pinkie arc. Pinkie is not at all as deep and philosophical as Fluttershy was. She's frantically energetic, which is certainly a change of pace from the last arc's slow introspection.

Although it does start off pretty slow. As the story's gone on, I've come to prefer the Harmony segments to the Scootaloo ones, largely because of my personal preference for reading about character interaction and dialogue over action and Scootaloo wandering around ruins.

Also, I believe the LUS has decreased greatly since "four hoofed brown creature" (or something like that) in the Expository.

On a superficial note, the Pinkie Pie heralds massive improvements (in my eyes) in formatting. No more pothole-esque sets of two spaces after sentences (hehehe), and significantly less extreme indents (I'm not a fan of indents in general, but these ones are far more pleasing to my eye than the massive tabs everyone in this fandom seems to adore).

(It has been about a month since I finished reading that, so I may be rather inaccurate on a few points.)

On another note, we should probably tone down the ritualistic sacrifice to His Skirtsiness (maybe one goat a week instead of two). It's probably scaring folk away.
>> No. 80240
That explanation works just as well as it would for any story.
"Wel dis is mai stile and if u dont lik it than you can go awhey!"
It doesn't matter if it's his style or not, what matters is that it's engaging and, most importantly, fun for the reader to, well, read. And my opinion of it is that it's boring and far outstays its welcome.
>> No. 80245
Well I like it. It is interesting to read, and though it's not fun in the playful sense, it is enjoyable. But that's my opinion of Skirts style, you're free to have yours. :)
>> No. 80255
>FoE vs EoP
I can't venture opinion on the story at all as I've never read it, nor do I feel inclined to. I never got into Fallout in general, and I'm leary of reading a crossover with something that I had no interest in. I started EoP because of one thing that I either read in a comment on EqD, or my older brother told me about it. "It's a steampony post-apocalyptic time travel story." So I gave it a read and here I am. FoE hasn't enticed me at all, and the rabid legions of fans, in addition to the sheer amount of "side-stories" and derivative works, simply turns me off to the story.

I'm mildly concerned that this thread and those who follow it have the same effect on others that the fans of FoE have on me.

The Pinkie/Dredgemane arc is by far the best so far, and I'm afraid that it may even be the peak of the story, but I'm hoping these next chapters keep up the improved quality.

Hopefully many of the problems with the expository arc will be touched upon or resolved in the impending rewrite from Demitrius'(spelling) work on them. Once that's complete I've got my eye on a better mic and software for a successful reading of that arc. I've invested myself in this project and I intend to see it as far as SS&E wants to take it. That said, I'm not at all about to say this has no flaws. As anyone whose read my reviews for Pinkie's arc knows, I had a certain pet peeve Miss Pie that remains for the most part unchanged.

God, wtf am I still sore about that?

Skirts' style is far wordier than anything I can even imagine myself writing. It has strengths and weaknesses, but for the most part I think it's fine. The descriptions convey a sense of context that, to me at least, doesn't make them seem out of place. I'm against the use of LUS in general, but it is my opinion that SS&E's particular strain of the disease is both manageable and often enjoyable. And thus I will end my own humble addition to this topic and get to actually reading the story again.
>> No. 80261
Wait, do you have links to the rough drafts? Is that because you're a reviewer? I want some :3

Pwetty pwease?O-O
>> No. 80272
On a phone will keep short. Basically, both FOE and EOP are amazing stories from non professional writers. That they mad them so enjoyable speaks volumes. Does that mean they are perfect? No. (I assume vimberts eyes might still be bleeding) what it does mean however is that when SSE asks for fedback, we give it to him so he can get better.

As to which story is better? I have no strong feelings on the subject. One is a war story about beating back dispair, the other a mystery about a catastrophie and a quest to find what had been lost.
>> No. 80290
While it would be, quite honestly, more trouble than it's worth to go indepth and compare the two, I will however speak out on a few things I noticed while reading the two. Take my opinion for what you will, I am certainly not a famous critic such as Vimbert or theworstwriter.

One large difference between the two is this. I can put down Fo:E for days, even weeks at a time. I can come back to it when I feel like continuing it. It is a rather light read for me, which is enjoyable.

I can not do this with End of Ponies. The sheer size of the chapters takes forever to read, and wading through chapter after chapter is a fight in it's own right. Not only that, but so much meaning is packed into each paragraph. I must make sure I don't skip something or misread a sentence, because it'll likely have repercussions later. I can not just "set down" EoP. It's read or die.

This is, I find, the major dividing line between the two. I can walk away from Fo:E when I need to, even drop the story completely. I haven't finished it, and it would not kill me to leave it that way. But when a new EoP chapter comes out, I am compelled to drop anything and everything for the next few hours and devour it. It has gotten in the way of (minor) real-world concerns sometimes, but it is enough of a priority that it warrants the attention. I treat it the same as I would treat something written by my favorite writers; Poe or Lovecraft or Watts.

Earlier I said I would speak out on a few things. The other two points I had in mind seem to have escaped me for now. This is a regular occurrence. When I remember them, I'll post them to. If the point is still active by then, anyways.

(note: I don't really see this as derailment, considering there is no overarching topic at hand besides the feed back on EoP, and considering nothing new really has been posted so far for those of us who have not been blessed with the rank of "pre-reader" to feed back. Just a discussion on our opinions between this and another.)

(question: if this story is a "train wreck", hasn't it already been derailed?)
>> No. 80292
>famous critic

Go ahead and let me know when/where I've ever done anything but write garbage or yell about this story.

I am curious now.
>> No. 80294
File 132763355678.png - (152.97KB , 639x694 , DJ---Tears.png )
>have not been blessed with the rank of "pre-reader"
Well, guess I really shouldn't complain since I don't really have time to contribute much, but if it meant I'd get to read sooner, I totally would find time.
>> No. 80305
File 132763837934.jpg - (56.36KB , 600x600 , 85642%20-%20artist_warepwn3%20explodaloo%20scootaloo.jpg )
Yowsers. I wonder if all of this is why the site was down earlier when I tried to check on it.

Mister Anon Jack, you sir are a gentleman and a scholar. If you need any proof of that beyond your own meritable words, it's that I had to use google to get 'a gentleman and a scholar' right before realizing it was the right term to label you with. Keep up the good work of keeping the threads clean, just don't be afraid to wave your face around along with your words (I mean if Vimbert could sniff you out, then, f'naaaa). This is a forum, and you are you. I'm not here to enact crazy-ass vindictive crusades on people who voice their opinions, especially when they're worded so intelligently. I'll endeavor to keep things here the intelligent and occasionally smexy courtyard of gentlemanly banter that I meant it to be (because nobody with a vagina reads EoP, right?).


I'm glad that you lurve my story so much. It's the kind of ego-stroke I hold dear to keep this psychotic stampede of text going. Still, I don't see anything that Jack has done to be a form of thread derailment, and it would seem folly to disregard his words as such.

I can't rightfully say if you've made a blanket statement about comparing Fallout of Ponies or End of Equestria (wait... wut?), but I know that I for a fact have made a blanket statement. In my own egotistical euphoria, I tooted my horn about how much longer this fic will end up being than the one about the other OC apocalyptic pony whose barn door swings the other way. For that, I am guilty, and it's taken the latest pre-reading/commenting on EoP to remind me of how righteously humble I really should be. I get this sort of reminder everytime I submit to you marsupials, and it's a good thing too.

EoP is full of holes, kind of like swiss cheese only hopefully with less phlegm build-up. I keep using a term in this fic: "Don't write checks that your flank can't catch." That's something I should learn to do myself, and it doesn't help when I spout out self-worshipping bullcrap about vague statistics that are sketchy at best. This dayum epic is probably half-a-year from being finished, I keep trying to wake up to that reality with each chapter that I complete. Until I've made progress--like *actual progress*--I should keep the knee-jerk zealotry of my own words to a minimum, and I hope all the marsupials in this thread will too.


D'oh. That goddayum Fluttershy arc. I swear, that pegasus should run home to her mother...Oh wait.

Whelp, sorry that I bored you, dude. I even bore myself when re-reading sometimes, lulz, that should tell us all something. I'm like Tolkien on valium or whatnot. If there's anything worth plowing through EoP still, then it's the exploding paintball gun scene early on in the Pinkie Pie arc...Oh wait...that's gone now. Meh.

Still, I'm proud that you went so far. But if the story is just too laborious to read, then who's to force you? Certainly not rabid fans, of whom I seem to have less compared to other MLP-fic epics, though mine are no less passionate. I think it goes without saying that like so many other fics I have done in the past, I'm writing this textual atrocity for myself first and for the rest of the world second. As Vimbert, theworstwriter, and the rest of Gilligan's island can attest to, I have discovered that the rest of the world at least deserves something that is digestible, even if it does resemble something that James Joyce vomited after getting reallly drunk. I think the limited number of fans that I have are a special, masochistic bunch, because if they made it anywhere past the Fluttershy arc, it means that they're the right kind of starved souls that all of this madness I'm typing out is speaking to.

EoP has something of a niche following, I take it, and that's why it shall forever remain a five star story on EqD, and not a six, no matter how much its page count screams and demands for otherwise.


When are you not my knight in shining armor? I can't imagine someone typing so much in this thread with his eyes bleeding from all last week's worth of editing, but it's worth it to see you use an AJ pic for once.

I'm willing to bet that FoE is an awesome read. I'm naturally drawn towards insanely epic fluff that attracts tons of people; that's how I became a brony. However, I have this problem that greatly contrasts with my love of writing... and it's that I hate to read.

I'm sure Penkat's or Kstroke's story is awesome, but all the time that I could spend reading it would eat into my writing time. It's really as simple as that. I'm competing against a brick wall. I have been since the day I started this train wreck. Soon, that wall is going to crumble down, and Roger Waters will change the last track for a live performance in Berlin, and maybe THEN I will read about Lil Nyx and enjoy what everypony else has.


Toning down the worship definitely suggests making this thread look a lot less like the self-indulgent splinter in the middle of Ponychan's /fic/ than it already is. I think somebody else wrote it best. I've got FimFiction to eke praise from... along with the occasional random ponified emoticon reacting to chapter 13.


I like to think of myself as Stanley Kubrick, only with a lot less monkeys throwing bones into space or Shelly Duvall torturing.


GodDAYUM, your name is so awesome. Ahem.

Your comment, although not exactly direct worship, has made me toastier than all others I've read in a while. You win a Golden Brucie.


You've never yelled. You've whispered at eighty-eight miles per hour.

Well, that was fun, and most definitely worth delaying my first meal of the day for another hour. What did I trounce into this thread for to begin with...?

Oh right. I just finished the rough draft of chapter 28. Expect the next four chapters to be publically available to /fic/ within the hour. Be warned. They suck ass.

I'll leave you marsupials with Kevin Nash's words of wisdom on this whole thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZNOrKud4s0
>> No. 80306
>within the hour...
>> No. 80313
File 132763955640.jpg - (338.99KB , 900x1000 , 104514%20-%20artist_furrydinner%20scootaloo%20shootaloo.jpg )
Behold, I present to you the crappy and soon to be massively edited first-half to the Petra Arc:

Chapter 25: All the Colors Died With Her

Chapter 26: Somepony Who Earns

Chapter 27: Stewards of the Earth

Chapter 28: Something Worth Shining On

Oye. What to add here to excuse both my month's worth of screwing around and the fact all of this won't be finished until maybe NEXT month? F'naaaa

Fact is, a lot of that stuff is going to change. I think it'll remain 80% the same, but a bunch of scenes are likely going to be taken out, compressed, and re-done. The arc is essentially three fics in one, and at least one of the three fics is likely to get severely hacked.

For those of you who will be navigating the asteroid belt of Worsty's and Vimbert's comments, you can expect a lot of stuff to be different by the time this all makes it to EqD. I even knew this while finishing the rough draft of 28. Before I allow my core pre-readers to have commenting privlidges to that, I'm going to be tackling chapter 29 AND going back to address all of their comments previously. Hopefully this will allow the key marsupials involved to regain their eyesight. Much kudos to them.

Chapter 28 is almost a queer experiment in and of itself. It contains the biggest action scene EoP's had to date. Back in the days of fanficcing for Teen Titans, I used to defecate forth fight scenes and textual hollywoodesque sequences that dwarf what I've done here. That said, it is still a twenty-plus page chase scene, no matter which way you shake it. So far, EoP hasn't afforded that much visceral kerflufficon, and I knew that going in. However, the future of this fic will depend on more and more action sequences, and I suppose that this arc is my way of testing my toes in the water.

Regardless of what happens now, I do expect the next three chapters to be severely smaller than the gargantuan ones you see here, and when all is said and done I think I might break up the original set of 7 chapters into... I dunno... maybe 12 or 13 to make it more digestible. We'll just wait and see, I guess.

God, I'm hungry. Smell you later.
>> No. 80315
File 132764036743.gif - (816.74KB , 320x192 , 1300559763048.gif )
>Your comment, although not exactly direct worship, has made me toastier than all others I've read in a while. You win a Golden Brucie.
>. . .has made me toastier than all others. . .
This word too. Celestia damnit, this word and its deraritives kindle a flame in me that is less "toasty" as it is "all-consuming inferno". Why must everything be put into a device designed to burn bread in a controlled manner with you?
>Pic related

I imagine I'll continue, since dropping it now would mean all of the time spent getting to this point was wasted.We'll see how far momentum takes me.
>> No. 80317
>AJ pic

Yeah, before you know it, I'll be using Scootaloo- OH GOD DAMN IT, ME >>80049

Ion, I am far too inebriated to adequately respond to all that, but suffice to say I knew I had to be shortchanging Fo: E.

Interesting. Guess I should do research before just running my mouth, eh?

I have no words. I know you hate praise, so let me just say that I appreciate the depth of discussion you bring to /fic/ whenever you appear. Thank you.
>> No. 80319
Oh boy! It's like twice the entertainment, because now they get to read the old version AND a mountain of overly wordy comments showcasing my unique brand of 'helping' mixed in with Vimbert delivering slaps across faces! No, wait, that part that isn't the story isn't entertaining at all... shit.

Well, they'll get to read about pony periods.

>> No. 80321
File 132764196739.png - (202.51KB , 619x531 , 131617943580.png )
>> No. 80322
>and the rest of Gilligan's island can attest to
What!? I'm relegated to the role of Mary Anne? I demand my season two change of the opening song!

Also, to you ponies who are wading through rough drafts, you'll have more comments fill that kaizo sidebar pretty soon. I've tossed aside my worldly responsibilities and dived back into the glorious quagmire of literature that EoP is.
>> No. 80323
Did... did I do wrong?

I sorry. I can delete that post if you'd rather that not get mentioned.
>> No. 80326
THIS IS ME AFTER RELOADING THIS THREAD 20 TIMES A DAY THIS WEEK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24tnc4GKzUo&list=LL_bRBUGIgnOkoF-nqNGjqGQ&index=2&feature=plpp_video
sorry SSE but for me this story is epic enough to fangasim over!!!!! i shall read! THANKYOU!
>> No. 80339
File 132766967272.png - (408.68KB , 2088x1364 , RBD-,,,-WhatIsTHAT?.png )
>probably half-a-year from being finished
Crap... I won't get to see the ending for 2 years...
>slams head on desk...

Anyway, onto reading this 'Petra' arc... Considering it's not named after one of the mane six, I'm curious as to what happens in this one...

>I should keep the knee-jerk zealotry of my own words to a minimum, and I hope all the marsupials in this thread will too.
Yea, I'll try too-...
>I should keep the knee-jerk zealotry to a minimum, all the marsupials in this thread too.
>knee-jerk minimum, marsupials in this thread.
>knee-jerk marsupials...
I'm a wallaby?
>> No. 80349
File 132768600041.jpg - (133.40KB , 1600x1494 , 333039_322194821158204_100001030651084_1051595_1992961164_o.jpg )
>> No. 80372
Well. I just finished chapter 28, and... um... Everything!

Yeah, Everything!

As I read through it I noticed that while others said that the flashback scenes were possibly superfluous, I feel otherwise. Barring maybe one or two, they all tied into motivations and events in the present time, and I think towards the end of chapter 28 they gave a very nice contrast and set of motivations for Scoot to react like she did. I will also say that Warden is an interesting character, and probably will do quite a bit of good for Scoots emotional state. The question is of course what his role in future events might be.

One thing I am wondering about however, is how you will handle the next chapters and arcs. Three more chapters to tie up current events and grab the quest item, and then the next arc will obviously be Rainbow. The question is what you will do with the other characters. Obviously it would be a bit nuts to assume you will keep to the current arc length trend, yet with this level of setup I wonder how you will get what needs to be said crammed into a small enough wordcount in the future.

Other things of note...Petra, very awesome place. However, a couple of thoughts. A theme I saw was that it was a fairly rusty place. A 2km tall structure would not work that well with rust whatsoever. Besides, the place is only 25 or so years old and still expanding. Anyone in that situation would keep the place maintained.

Next up is the skymarble stuff. It seems kinda odd that they need to mine the stuff for steam when we already have steam trains in the show. Maybe instead of steam mining, they mine the stuff for easy use and durable industrial expansion? They have expanding cities after all(Petra, the massive place it is seems to have (tens of)thousands of inhabitants).

Other things of note...didn't Scoots have a nuke gun in chapter 2? I wonder if we will see that thing used to scare belligerents into behaving sometime in the future. On the other hoof, considering her desire to avoid fighting, maybe not.

Other notes of things...unless Warden ends up working somewhere in Petra, what might happen to him? I ask mainly because now that her role from the past is reversed, it would seem a bit harsh for her to just disappear. That, and she seems to have put more long term thought and effort than she might have initially realized into keeping him safe.

Notes of other things. The next chapters and story arcs are going to be very interesting. Here is a question(answerable or not) What is your theorized estimated wordcount and chaptercount for a finished product, and what are the chances of an open ended conclusion with finality(as in, the story has concluded, the quests have been solved, yet life goes on and there's work to be done still.?)

More thoughts later, about to go get a pan galactic gargle blaster after reading all of that non stop cause its awesome.
>> No. 80392
File 132770543811.png - (175.96KB , 900x856 , RBD-+-Awww.png )
Alright! Chapter 25 finished! ... At work... hehe.. I'm a fast reader with little time. Usually I stay up almost all night reading these, but I've got stuff to do in the morning that I need to rest for.. ugh...

Anyway, a few notes on chapter 25:
-Using the word "girl" a lot really threw me off.

-Something feels really off with those fandom references when it comes to Lyra, Bon-Bon, and Dr. Whooves.... it really tweaks on my suspension of disbelief... I'm not sure who you'd replace those ponies with, but that felt like too big a hat tip to make it seem realistic relative to the story. I dunno, at least replace Dr. Whooves, because two time travelers encountering like that, you'd suspect he'd show up in the future sometime.

-I said "screw you" out loud when I got to the "post-shadowing" about Scootaloo finding Rainbow's body. It was cruel and heartless and cold. And I loved it. If I ever say "screw you" to the author while reading their story, it means they did it right. ;)

-Don't end with the Rainbow-Crash joke. It's a good line, but it doesn't fit well as the punctuating statement of the chapter.

I'll try to do a more detailed analysis later. I gtg.

>> No. 80393
PS: Porta-potty and enema jokes... wut?
>> No. 80538
New chapters, sweet. Also, because the oppurtunity to say I somehow contributed to this fic is pretty alluring, I think Rainbow is talking about windigos, not wendigos in chapter 26.
>> No. 80635
File 132785500726.png - (139.80KB , 900x800 , Har Har.png )
That song really reminds me of this?
>> No. 80659
File 132786737179.png - (129.10KB , 945x910 , DJ---Sadness.png )
Oh wow that's beautiful.
>> No. 80896
File 132798154674.png - (131.29KB , 900x480 , RBD-+-Pounce.png )
Lucky for me, I got sick today, and had to stay home from work, giving me time to try my hoof at a somewhat thorough review of at least some small part of your epic tome. It also appears that this will be the first wave of suggestions for this chapter (Whoo! First!). Anyway, here it is. I hope it's useful.

Chapter 28: Part 1 review by PiercingSight:

>In less than two minutes, the most hated goblin in the room had become the most reverred through the sheer act of sparking everyone's curiosity.

>...usurp it, with or most likely without the authority of their superiors.
Commas, yay! : …usurp it, with or, most likely, without the authority of their superiors.

>Piercing the walls of pain-...
It doesn't help me when this is capitalized. Gets me everytime.

>The cord snapped.  And the marble slab...
Remove "And the marble slab…". Feel free to add what you feel is needed to the beginning of "It fell with the booming volume-…"
While this is an epic place for a good pause, this isn't the way to do it. If you find a less awkward method of accomplishing this, feel free to do so.

>With glittering, azure telekinesis-… *marriage yada yada* …-that she was discovering ever again.
This entire section makes no sense here. Put it down or find it a better home.

>Just then, thunder struck. -…-soon basking in the toasty rays of sunlight.
Something about the timing in that area was awkward enough to throw my suspension of disbelief out the window. Felt too fast without any hint that Scootaloo felt the same. I know it was supposed to be fast, but I feel that a little extra exposition or environment description during the rain, along with a reaction or something from Scootaloo before she mentions the time to Rainbow, would help keep this section from being as time-sharp as it is.

>Scootaloo smiled wide
So much smiling! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! JK, but if you're repeating that for emphasis on the creepy side of Scoot's adoration for Rainbow, then you achieved it.

>“Pinkie Pie Swear,” Rainbow Dash stuck a hoof to her eye
The Pinkie Pie swear usually consists of crossing the heart THEN sticking the hoof in one's eye. Just saying'.

>“That's from snazzy stuff you've got there,”

>“Pull this to lower our descent.”
Pull this to *slow? our decent.

I can feel lack of sleep eating at you at this point. hehe.

>Things are more frightening when they life is less understood
I don't know what you meant, but it needs fixed. Maybe you went for "they are" but only replaced "are" with "life is" when trying to correct it?

>She wonder what it would be like-...

>Another speck lingered in the middle of Equestria, an orange speck.
We didn't leave and come back, we were here all along waiting with her. No need for such an introduction. Remove.

>A lone shadow—a slumped and shuffling thing
Consider "*The lone shadow". Once again, we never left. See if you can make this fit, or at least make something fit.

>riding currents of hot, dancing vapors.
This feels awkward.

>Scootaloo's nose scrunched up.  Something was smelling horrible.
Awkward phrasing. Consider something like: "After a whiff, Scootaloo's nose scrunched up at an invasive odor."

Alright, it's getting late for me and I need to stop, but I can sense a very extensive and exciting scene after this part. I must keep reading!

>Franken wasn't standing...
I knew it! I saw this coming from miles away. This isn't a bad thing, I'm just saying. ;P

>…-swam through the piercing thickness-…
The more you use the word "piercing", the more I'm going to claim it's a cameo. ;)

Crap. I gotta go to bed now (they just arrived at Eleven Strut, I'm eagerly hoping to continue this). I'll try to give you a review of the rest of it, but it probably won't be as detailed because I can't really take notes and read it at the same time on an iPad, but I certainly will try. ;)

>> No. 80906
Okay, I finished it. I feel like I probably missed a freaking ton of spelling errors and punctuation errors because of the way I read, but I think I was able to pin down some awkward phrases and scene timing...

Continued from the arrival at Eleven Strut

>Many Rust Blood imps-...
*Rust-Blood? Hyphenated?

>As he fell like a sack-...
Comma after "fell".

>...-briefly swiveling to bucking open-...
*and or *buck. Your choice.


Suddenly, prehensile tail action! Actually, the wording for that scene is awkward, and also I doubt she'd take the time to wrap her tail thrice, much less be able to from a reasonable distance.

Is it wrong that I read "Hobbo Hotel?". Also, that's an awkward way to describe the scene. Takes a little bit more thinking than usual to process it during a fast paced scene.

=end of chase scene=
Awesome. Huge exhale here, but also, pacing whiplash into the young Scootaloo scene. Maybe a small scene of Scoots and Warden after they make it into the Harmony could help ease the pacing a little before we see the imps gawking at the ship?

>...-who knows what could go happen?
I haven't heard that kind of phrasing used in a loooong time. I'd suggest removing "go".

Lastly, the current arrangment of the final scenes on the timeline feels itchy to me. See if you can find a way to smooth out that transition into the final twist.

Final thoughts
Very well written. Has half the mistakes as the previous chapters (probably because it has half as much dialogue) ;). Overall most of the timing and storytelling was brilliant, and flowed smoothly. The action, along with the emotional links to the past, kept my heart pumping and my eyes on the fringe of blurring my vision. I love how you've projected Scootaloo onto Warden, and Rainbow onto Scootaloo. It gives us a whole new layer, in fact, multiple layers, of introspection to explore. You've shown us the side of Rainbow that I haven't seen in any other fic, and you've given a near perfectly fitting narrative of the birth of Scoot's adoration of the sky blue mare.

I'm still kind of awaiting the full circle link to when Scootaloo gets her scooter.

Another thing. This entire world of culture and politics that you've built out of Petra amazes me. And the way it is playing out feels almost perfectly natural. I can somewhat feel the generalities you applied when you planned it all, but you fill in the details so well that it almost melts that away completely.

So in short. I love it, I completely adore it. Has flaws? Sure, but they don't stand a chance against how easy it is to be swallowed up in the blanket of this brilliantly woven tale.

Keep it up bro, I await the epic and solemn conclusion to this arc.

There, I've finally given a full review of a chapter. The inside of my mind was gnawing at me for not having contributed enough to these threads. It's been mostly satisfied by this measly attempt at critique. Hopefully some of it is of use to you.
>> No. 80920
File 132800010884.jpg - (198.49KB , 1271x704 , TFR1AEC_tmp - Copy - Copy.jpg )
um excuse my chinese, but HOLY SHIT!!! 29 hours and 4 chapters later HOLY SHIT!
that was a long intense read the last couple days!
reading untill 6 am several nights then only getting a couple hours of sleep before i go to work...... then come home a read another 8+ hours and repeat!
i r a devoted pony yes i r........did i just type that out loud......
anyways epic writing as usual! i love how you have an entire arc devoted to just the leading up to the RD arc! many a man tears were shed hypothetically throwout these chapters so far.
also one last thing.............Rainbow Dash is AWESOME! LOL
>> No. 80921
Hahah, why thank you.

Anyways, have not been able to read the story yet. For the longest time, I was working off of my old 750 some odd MHz cpu, 250 mb ram artifact of a desktop. And I guess it just wasn't up to snuff for loading the monster of a story you've written, every time I went to the docs page the browser froze 1/7th the way through. But awesome first sentences though. Very well written.

Now, with new laptop in hand, I should be able to give these triumphs of artistic writing a proper read through.
>> No. 80922
Um... well you're more famous than me. So that's something. I think...
>> No. 80925
Quick note:
In chapter 25, a few pages in, you write:

"She gulped and preformed the mental calculation..."
Then, not even two sentences later, you begin another paragraph with:
"Gulping, she pushed the..."

Too many gulps. Try something else, like "With a forceful breath, she pushed the..." or what have you.

Also, a note: I don't know if it's on purpose or accident, but you capitalize the word "sun" often. Considering there is in fact a Sun goddess in Equestria, I find that this fits nicely.
>> No. 80932
Oh yeah, about that. I actually thought the scene fit quite well. Most of your readers are already grimdark, and by the time they reach this part, they should have at least some level of maturaty enough to not freak out at it. Even though it's not even close to accurate, it helps give a sense that Scootaloo still has to go through parts of real life in the middle of all this chaos. It adds that one extra tinge of depth to the story, that I feel, if taken with a mature mind, helps contribute some amount of reality to the situation.

Still it's gross nasty, but it works. I don't suggest removing it, but you can if you want to.
>> No. 80934
Actually, Sun goddess is incorrect, as is the capitalization of sun.

The correct capitalization would be Sun Goddess and would require it to be used in the context of a formal title, much like the Dalai Lama, the Emperor of Japan, etc.

Outside of that, if merely descriptive, it would be sun goddess and sun.

The capitalization of the first letter within the english language is used to identify and object as unique and special, a proper name to be attached to an specific thing. However, if you describing what it does (a moon car) rather than giving a name (I call it, Moon Car) then capitalizing will only cause confusion and anger proofreaders as it incorrect and doesn't make sense for you to be referring to a celestial object by proper name all the time whenever you make a description.
>> No. 80943
File 132802714508.png - (183.35KB , 563x525 , 131944203256.png )
Wow...And as the new arc comes out, everyone who's had time to keep up with ss&e's insanely voluminous writing jumps in and helps with proofreading. Saying this has been a long time coming, but now I can't help it: I feel left out. Oh well, I can relax and enjoy the story, time permitting. Life is kicking me in the gonads right now. But keep up the good work, SS&E and everyone helping with this amazing story.
>> No. 80945
Okay, I'm going to get off my lazy ass and finish the Applejack arc.

>> No. 80955
You and me both. :-\
I started the AJ arc last week. I'm in the midst of chapter 9 last I remember (I did 6 & 7 >>79415 and finished taking notes on 8 shortly thereafter).
>> No. 80975
Not to discount your insights or anything, but you may want to consider just reading the rest of the arcs without notes. Excluding any grammar/spelling, or really, really, really minor changes I don't think SSE could or should actually change what's there. However, as future advice I'm certain your thoughts would be useful to SSE, but any big changes to the arcs would be counter-productive. :S
>> No. 80979
But of course, that's been the whole idea from the very beginning, proofreading. I felt like I owed it to SS&E after I pledged to review the Fluttershy arc after he submitted it to TTG back in October and I never got around to it. How little did I realize what I was missing out on.

Anyhow, yeah. I have thus far stuck to pointing out or remarking only on typos, wacky sentence structure, word misuse and annoying quirks that wouldn't require any restructuring of the plot or theme to rectify. The only inconsistency(ies?) in the plot I've found so far is small and isolated enough to fix without it affecting the story at large.

Sorry to burden this thread with more irrelevant remarks, everyone. Do carry on.
>> No. 80980
File 132804280335.jpg - (396.70KB , 1200x1300 , RBD-,,,-LonelyCloud.jpg )
>Do carry on.

>...waits for next chapters...
>> No. 80986
Wheee, I have nothing better to do than comment. Anyway, I have some minor irksomes in chapter 8. I'll post them when I get home.

Also, I apologize for dropping it. If I had gone through with it... I would have run myself into the ground.
>> No. 80999
Oh yes, I know. I had every intention of capitalizing "Goddess" in what I wrote, I just lower cased it by accident. I type fast, and when I'm really tired I can't always be arsed to proof-read everything I write. And just because I failed every English class I took doesn't mean I don't know a few things about grammar and sentence structure.

Thank you though, for so eloquently and thoroughly pointing out my mistake.

On the subject of using it in the story, I realize that it is way too late to begin using the capital form considering so much story has passed, if he even intended the capitalization. I just mentioned that I found it fitting.

Oh, and I think you missed a few things in your post, grammar wise:

>...within the English language is used to identify anb object ...
> However, if you're describing what...
>... and anger proofreaders as it's incorrect ...

There were others, but I think you get the gist.
Just letting you know ^^
>> No. 81009
File 132805634658.jpg - (135.34KB , 1125x1025 , 110392%20-%20army%20artist_123hamster%20chicken%20scootaloo%20soldier%20war.jpg )
Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Pride of the Dead

F'naaaa. Two more chapters to go.

Chapter 29 is... probably the weakest thing I've written in a while. It's a short thing ("short" meaning 56 pages), but it's necessary for its thematic and structural purpose, or so I'm trying to convince myself. The next two chapters are essentially the climax of the Petra Arc, and they'll also be a bit on the short side. It's a bit like how Dredgemane ended by splitting the climax into two halves while employing cliffhangers.

Anyone who reads this will likely notice that there are some minor inconsistencies with the previous chapters (most notably the nature of the 'entrance' to Scootaloo's niche in the ruins of Cloudsdale). My excuse for this is that I'm already anticipating some changes that I'll be making once I address all the notes that Vimbert, Worsty, and Mary Anne have diligently taken their time to make for me.

Egads, two more frickin' chapters. I hate that EoP takes forever between updates. Still, I guess I gotta make the best out of it--wait, Vimbert's queue is closed?! FDJfkjfakldqajfkldjfkljdafkljaf

*runs to TF2*
Btw, this is me on Steam if any stalkers out there give a crap: http://steamcommunity.com/id/spaceisawaste
>> No. 81011
File 132805645370.png - (208.89KB , 582x539 , 131617941388.png )


Come back. You're too awesome to slip away lonesomely into the shadows.


>> No. 81012
Imma wonderin'... You see my suggestions on 28? Or you gonna wait until your core people check it out?

Also, Imma try this one too.
>> No. 81014

Oh ja. I saw your suggestions on 28. I'm thinking of writing my way to 31 and then giving 28 - 31 a grand re-read before submitting to the core editors.

Your insight is extremely appreciated. Evidently I was a lot sleepier while hammering away at 28 than I thought for there to be so many embarassingly cute mistakes. I'm also thinking about re-describing the tail-and-dagger scene, though I still wish to keep it.

Harmony and Nightcrawler for life, dawg. *turns into a robot and flies away*
>> No. 81016
File 132805848430.png - (463.98KB , 2200x2000 , RBD-0-Cool.png )
Peace, mammary support device.
>> No. 81029
Sent you an stalk request on steam based on that little comment :P

Actually, a question. How do you plan out your story? Do you have a giant stream of notes, a book, an addled neuron floating around?
>> No. 81079
You and your sarcasm man. If this chapter is weak, I'm Steve Jobs in hiding like Elvis. Anyway, onto my review. I'm surprised to find that I found no timing issues or even small scene description issues, only malapropisms and grammatical mistakes. I'm impressed, or blind. Hopefully the former.

Chapter 29 review
>by her lonesome.
*on her lonesome? Not sure what you want to do here, but it doesn't feel right.

>...met a hellish faith.

>limped and limped
Remove "and limped"

>...multiple occations before.
Remove "before". Makes it cleaner.

>So that was transpired...
*that's *what?

>There is no try.
Yoda? Is that you?

>...eyes were caught on something.
Remove "were"

I think it's spelled, façade. Funny letters, I know.

>...protecting Hex Blood's interests...
Did you mean Rust Blood?

Figure out a better way to put that unless you want to keep the flow that it currently has. Some might be a little too irked at it to realize there was a flow. :/

>...so will the need to mourn things die us.
I believe the word "with" goes after die.

>...said with a shy.

>Something move.

>...but gone none.

>...like a climbing...
Remove "a"

>...pulling her ever...
*herself? Look over that sentence again, feels like it needs tweaked.

>...somebody had already...
*hadn't? Check the phrasing there, I believe it should be "hadn't".

-"pierce" count: 5
Maybe I'm exagerating it's frequency because that word catches my eye easily, but it feels like this word is used to much when describing sounds and the like. I dunno. Maybe I'm just paranoid about your use of the word that happens to be part of my name. Or maybe you could find other words like it in a thesaurus or something to put my mind at ease. ;)

====Final thoughts====
This chapter was almost perfectly orchestrated. Everything seemed to flow together just right, building up the tension until just the last moment when the rubber band has been stretched to it's max, the hairpin trigger is on the edge of releasing it's sprung load, and the rollar coaster has paused on the precipice of it's 90° drop. Every muscle in the body is tensed against that moment where the band snaps, the pin slips, and the chain of the tracks releases the screaming box of souls into the abyss. This is, in my opinion, your best cliff-hanger yet.

Even though this chapter didn't have much on the side of adding substance, it did a lot of stirring the pot to a boil while the last ingredient to the recipe awaited it's drop.

So I eagerly, eagerly await the next two chapters. Please don't release one without the other, because after a cliff-hanger like that, I want a resolution the next time I dive into the story. Based on the amount of epic build up, I'm certainly expecting a climax unlike any that I've ever read. Here's to hoping you don't disappoint.
>holds up a glass of dry, ash filled water, and downs it.

Alright bro. I feel like I've praised you too much. I secretly hope to find something, anything I can kick your butt about in the next few chapters so I can say that I'm not just Scootaloo to a Rainbow Dash. Though, when it somes to story telling, you are pretty "awesome". ;)
>> No. 81086
I am beginning to get the feeling that while Scootaloo might have lost hope a fair time back, and while a good portion of the denizens of the wastes have too, there are those who really do not want to give up in the least. Warden a shining example, as while he never had a life in a non wasteland, could easily want one.

It makes me wonder how far they are willing to go to make that shiny future.

If there even is one.
>> No. 81088
File 132807657887.png - (870.96KB , 900x1350 , the_return_of_megan_by_csimadmax-d3hrt7g.png )
Oh yeah... I never left.

Cross-posting with some slight changes for context from the EqD page:

Imagine this were a series of novels with each arc being a novel. Many, many authors space their novels 3 months to a year apart. Now, these are published stories that follow certain rules, but there's another consideration entirely: the average paperback novel is under 100k words. We've gotten over 5 times that already since October. October! And we've gotten so much since then.

Updates will come when they're ready for the masses, and you'll all be glad you waited for them to be ready. SS&E does a tremendous job working with us reviewers and I'm having a lot of fun helping shape--in my small part--this story.

Also, for any ponies who have been at all interested or following me, I will have a re-recorded and edited chapter 1 audio by the end of February, and I hope to have the entire first arc available by mid-March.

If anyone wants to lend a hoof on Mane-6 voices, a Russian accent for Brucie, or any of the other character, send me an email at warden(dot)pony(at)gmail with some kind of audio sample link and what you'd be willing to do. I'll be compiling scripts by character for the entire arc, and more depending on how many of you are interested, by the end of February. I would promise these earlier, but I've got an extremely busy month already so I'm budgeting these far enough out that I can meet the commitments.

I'd love to get a collab going for audio and whatnot, but until I get my software in the mail (Thursday) I'm not sure how much splicing I'll be able to really pull off. If anyone who's been participating in the thread/review process wants to work with me, I'll take preference here than over the EqD crowd I may have just invited upon myself. (Assuming of course that I'm not a super-crazy person and decide that it'd just be easier to do every voice myself like I did initially.)

Lastly, if anyone has the requisite formatting skills, I would really, really love to see all the finished arcs in e-book format for convenience sake. I'd be much obliged. I'll buy you a ticket to the Everfree NW convention in August! Erm, yeah that's all I have on that topic. I'll wait until tomorrow to put my other post up since I don't want to flood this with just me or anything.

>> No. 81103
>e-book format
There is this:
I read all my fics in MaxiVeers PDFs if possible.

Hmm... Sadly, I am not female or Russian, nor do I have much experience with that sort of thing. But perhaps I can help with some other character. I will give the matter some thought.
>> No. 81105
Okay what? I'm seeing a random image embedded in that post...
>> No. 81106
File 132807805913.png - (76.97KB , 216x267 , 131083268546.png )
Ugh, that wordfilter again? (Ponychan doesn't like anything that looks like a Social Security number, which unfortunately means it tends to like eating DA links like that.)

The short links they provide still work, at least; http://fav.me/d4dfsu7 will get you to his End of Ponies eReader thingie, for instance.
>> No. 81109
Weird. Link works fine for me, but I'm browsing on a phone, so maybe that's why.
>> No. 81110
File 132807902926.png - (54.64KB , 165x262 , 131163819628.png )
Nah, a mod already swooped in and fixed it, 'cause they're awesome like that.
>> No. 81114
I remember seeing that link at some point, but I must've forgotten it, thanks. I'll look up how to add custom bookmarks to PDFs and I think that should work very nicely. If I ever remember which email I created a DA account with ages ago, I'll have to thank the guy.
>> No. 81130
File 132808714061.jpg - (39.82KB , 413x413 , 131597237603.jpg )
>>81088 >>81103
GDocs app in Android is just dandy for reading.

Srsly though, great idea Warden, it would be much better than that...thing...on DeviantArt, and certainly nice and pretty. It could have links for each chapter, and when all arcs are finished and sparkling clean a mega-book could be made. And, audiobook? Flippin' awesome. You should totally find some sound effects for it. Oh man do I wish I had better recording tools and weren't as busy with my new job. I'm certainly no Billy West but can try (sometimes failing) to do interesting things mashing my vocal cords together.* Speaking of reading in voices--
I read "Nuuuu" in Scootaloo's voice.

* If one is feeling self-abusive, I soundclouded one of the inane Apostrophe singalongs that I recorded over the past two months while driving, for public perusal: soundcloud.com/somebodyelse/frankzappasingalong-apostrophe
>> No. 81184
File 132812843607.png - (171.16KB , 540x540 , assassiloo_crop.png )

'Scuse another lurker from surfacing, but since the request was so plaintive, I figured I might as well offer what little I might add. It might not be of use if you don't use iOS, but I was making an iBooks version for my own ease of reading and I offer to let others view if it would help them--the downside is that the file is already ~150MB with just four arcs. The chapter cover images were simply placeholders from deviantart that I never bothered to change. Disclaimer: I never tried looking at the format on an iPhone, but it made reading on the iPad easier.

Thus, if you so desire: http://goo.gl/SZ3US
>> No. 81452
I was just about to head to bed when I thought to check this thread for any news... Again..

Oh how I want to dive into a great story! But alas, I must sleep, and Skirts can't write that fast (though holy freaking crud he can write quickly). Maybe I'll dream wargame about it?

Anyhow, this is just me giving this thread an over elaborate bump.

So, what do you guys think about the recent chapters?
>> No. 81629
Ok, I finally got through the Pinkie Pie Arc!

And wow, excellent job!

I shall refrain from reading the next arfemoral arteryil it's complete. I can't wait!
>> No. 81633
File 132832908048.jpg - (379.28KB , 800x600 , 114879%20-%20chicken%20Chickenshit_Outfit%20cmc%20scootaloo%20shoop%20starcraft.jpg )
Chapter Thirty: The Main Event

Scootaloo: Swear to me!

GodDAYUM, this chapter was fun to write. Probably the most entertaining chapter in a while, which probably means it sucks to high heaven and it's got a crapload of errors. Whatever. I'm enjoying the buzz for while it lasts.

Someone begged for me to wait until I both chapters of the climax were done (Piercing), but I'm sorry, brony. I gotta slap this out while I'm feeling it. That said, this is--without a doubt--the most kaizo cliffhanger since Chapter 13. It's almost ridiculously, hilariously kaizo. But I knew that going into this arc. I wanted to have friggin' fun with this thing, and the stuff that Scootaloo does--in my belief--is totally justified.

I wrote this chapter in three days. Yeah, I'd like more of that please. Ahem, still, it's a short chapter. About fifty pages long. I also knew it'd be short when I first plotted out this arc. The next chapter may even be shorter. I think climaxes need to be smaller and sweeter. It's a lot more suspenseful that way.

Anyways, enjoy it, marsupials. Or not. I'm hoping in a few days to have the last chapter of this arc completed. In a perfect world, I'll get everything written, revised, and posted by February 17th, because that's when this happens: http://www.megaconvention.com/ . I need more pinups for my room, gosh dang it.

Ugh. Hungry. Pizza. Grr.
>> No. 81638
File 132832974745.png - (179.65KB , 385x383 , RBD-+-YeahICanBackflip!.png )
Dangit... now I have to read this one too. ;)

Anyway, if you haven't noticed by now. I'm not a spell checker or a punctuation freak. My review style is to look for anything that impedes with the flow or the suspension of disbelief and give suggestions for improvement. So yeah, I'm not dependable as an only reviewer (and I'm not gonna try to be), but I at least try to be a useful addition to your arsenal.

Anyway, now that I've made up an elaborate excuse as to why I'm a sucky reviewer got a new chapter to read, Imma review it because I can. Then I'm going to flip out because of yet another cliffhanger.

>> No. 81650

One question however. I was under the impression that there were multiple imp cities. Sure having the main one go up in smoke would be a problem, but surely the others have some self sufficiency?

Looking at all of these recent chapters however, I wonder how the next arcs are going to play out. Scoots has obviously made it to the point where she truly has a reason for doing what she does now, but I wonder how these events will affect the other inhabitants of the wasteland. I also wonder how the next arcs will be in terms of content. Obviously keeping up this level of detail and exposition would be crazy, but I personally am hoping you find a way to get everything that needs to be said, said.
>> No. 81661
File 132833814008.png - (116.72KB , 900x675 , pinkie_pie_shocked_by_sirspikensons-d4ittex.png )

Wow, I was seriously blown away by that chapter. I've always like End of Ponies for it's more philosophical approach to a post-apocalyptic world, but you had me at the edge of my seat here. Your scene breaks can be a little confusing at times, but it's probably justified here. I wish I could offer more constructive criticism, but in my opinion this chapter was nearly perfect. I'm not too worried though , as I'm sure Vimbert will still find plenty of things to call you out on.
>> No. 81668
File 132834143651.png - (80.70KB , 230x268 , 131260211566.png )

Skirts and I just went over outlining stuff. For the Rarity arc.


>> No. 81672
Pics of Harmony in frilly outfit or it didn't happen.

>> No. 81674
The more I want to call you out on something, the better you get (or the blinder I get). Anyway, this chapter was epic in every sense. Onto the specific bits of review...

Review Chapter 30

In the first paragraph, you use the word "pierce"... I think you're messing with me.

>Twenty-five years later, Cloudsdale was gone.
While this is a good transition, I feel a cleaner, sharper transition would do better here. Just enough for there to be a slight jolt into the new reality of the future without pulling the reader out of the suspension of disbelief. This transition was too flowy (if that's a word) for my tastes, especially considering the sharp transitions you take later in the chapter.

The later transitions have the right amount of sharpness, but some are slightly confusing. Look them over and see if you can make it easier to tell where we've ended up right after the transitions. Please try to keep them blending into each other like they do. Though, I wouldn't mind too much if you left all of the later transitions as they are.

>...business if far...

>...extra time to wield...
The use of "wield" created some slight confusion here with the word "weld". Malapropisms are some of my greatest enemies.

>...and explosions.
You had to didn't you?

>...Royal G Biv.
Please use "Grand" here. Royal G Biv is just awkward after the Pinkie Pie arc drilled the full title into our heads.

-Pierce count: 6
Okay, every author has words that they use far too often because... well.. they're freaking cool words. I know because I have my own. The two I've noticed most from you are "pierce" (and it's variants) and "abyss". I know you love those words so, and they are ever so useful in describing scenes in a poetic manner, but when they become clumped together like that, it begins to degrade the beauty of their usage. I'm not saying this because of my name, my name just helped me find it. So if you can, try to find other descriptors for sharp punctures and dark chasms, even if they take up more than one word.

Final thoughts
Oh wow I loved this chapter. I can see the smile on your face as you wrote it, where every word you typed, the small fleeting sense of, "This is going to be so freaking epic", buzzed through your consciousness. I love those moments in writing. They make me proud, and I bet your proud of this one too.

This was a brilliant build up, and the interlacing timelines added to the excitement, jumping from one moment to the next, watching the progresive construction of Scootaloo's best days ever.

This cliffhanger will kill me, but thank goodness I know you're eager to get the next one done, so I won't be distressed for too long. ;)

Anyway, I guess that's it. Feel free to ignore my comments if you feel they aren't relevant or necessary, though, I'd appreciate the consideration of them. It would allow me to enjoy your stories more, and I do love your stories. And I fear I'm going blind, every successive chapter is less and less I feel I need to bring up. I hope I'm just being paranoid.

So until the next chapter bro. Peace!
>> No. 81676
...I hope I'm still around for the conclusion of that one. :)
>> No. 81680
I just realized something. Rarity, more than even Rainbow, would be someone to survive in the Wasteland. She has her quirks, but when it comes down to it she is willing to get dirty and do what it takes to get the job done.

That, and she hilariously has more traits in common with wasteland dwellers than most.

Able and willing to fight, quick on her feet, her talent is shiny rocks XD, She didn't consider it a problem to kick a manticore in the face and as shown in many episodes, a very smooth talker. (She even had that dragon going along with her until she overdid it.)

...Yes, I do think the Rarity arc will be awesome.
>> No. 81690
well aint this a treat! only a couple more days!

i got a question for you SSE, i was wondering what you'd think of me hosting an art competition on deviantart (i've done contests before) with EoP being the theme. in otherwords contestants would have to draw scootaloo/harmony in relation with the landscape and or characters pertaining to the events that hath unfolded so far in EoP. i haven't yet thought of all the details yet but if everything works as it should i'd hope to open the contest in relation to PETRA's release on EQD.
also, would you be willing to be an art judge?
>> No. 81691
It's not done, but I think I'll just drop this link here.

By all means feel free to edit it as any of you see fit.
>> No. 81692
File 132835243712.png - (298.01KB , 900x757 , 132817128863.png )
>>So yeah, I'm not dependable as an only reviewer (and I'm not gonna try to be), but I at least try to be a useful addition to your arsenal.

It's worth it just to see your images. I swear, I've saved every Rainbow Dash vector you've provided.

>>One question however. I was under the impression that there were multiple imp cities. Sure having the main one go up in smoke would be a problem, but surely the others have some self sufficiency?

Yeah, I may need to reword that whole bit about "NOMGGOBLINEXTINCTION". I think what I'm aiming for is that Petra--or at least the major city of Petra--is so huge a piece of Goblin culture, that once it goes, an irreplaceable chunk of imp culture will disappear and the race will never recover. F'naa.

>>I wish I could offer more constructive criticism, but in my opinion this chapter was nearly perfect. I'm not too worried though , as I'm sure Vimbert will still find plenty of things to call you out on.

Right. NO PRESSURE, VIMBERT. Dear lord, what have I done?

Bring me your virgins. I am your hangover.

>>Feel free to ignore my comments if you feel they aren't relevant or necessary, though, I'd appreciate the consideration of them. It would allow me to enjoy your stories more, and I do love your stories

You say you love my stories, but will you take them out to dinner, hold their hands as you walk through the park, go out on tampon runs and remember to put the toilet seat back down?

Anyways, as to your reviews--I do very much appreciate them, and the swiftness of your perusals is frighteningly charming.

As for using the same words over and over again, that's a consequence of writing really dayum fast. Chapter 30 as a whole needs a thorough proofreading on my part. Meh. This story's nearing 600,000 words. Maybe now's a good time to invest in a thesaurus, lulz.

>>I just realized something. Rarity, more than even Rainbow, would be someone to survive in the Wasteland. She has her quirks, but when it comes down to it she is willing to get dirty and do what it takes to get the job done.

Gosh dang it. I should have written Rarity as the Last Pony, not Scootaloo. Oh well. I'll save it for the Turkish Remake.

>>well aint this a treat! only a couple more days!
>>i got a question for you SSE, i was wondering what you'd think of me hosting an art competition on deviantart (i've done contests before) with EoP being the theme. in otherwords contestants would have to draw scootaloo/harmony in relation with the landscape and or characters pertaining to the events that hath unfolded so far in EoP. i haven't yet thought of all the details yet but if everything works as it should i'd hope to open the contest in relation to PETRA's release on EQD.
also, would you be willing to be an art judge?

Giiiiyaaaaughhhuuuuuwaiiieeeeeemaaaaaaaaaaaybe only just the most awesome crazy spectacular offer any person could have launched in the direction of this obsessive fanfic writer. Ahem.

So, uh, yeah. Sexy idea is sexy. I'm all for it. But a few things.

For one, yeah, I really, really want to reach that date I set for myself. However, I didn't really take into account stuff like...you know...forcing all of my shit on my editors, or the EqD submission process, or the fact that I might collapse from lack of sleep. Meh. I'll just say that I'm aiming for that date, but all things considered, you should probably aim the date of the actual contest for...whenever. This month or next is decent, because the arc after this one really shouldn't take too long to put out (I've said that before).

Another, I'm not a very good art judge. Besides, I wouldn't exactly be fair. I mean, it's my fic, right? It's probably best that you choose someone else or a group of judges to deliver the verdict(s) or whatnot.

Thirdly--an excuse for EoP fanart?!?! Yesyesyesyeyes. Ahem. I need sleep.

>> No. 81693


So. Much. Love.

Uhm... Oh, to excuse this bump. Has anyone noticed that each chapter of the Petra Art so far has at least one line directly ripped straight out of Godfather 2?
>> No. 81695
Stupidly scheduled schedules are stupidly scheduled, overworked workers are overworked, and none of it matters.

I may not be the fastest gun in the west, or the most accurate, or... well now I've forgotten my point and can't see why I'm allowed to spew comment chunks all over your docs...

Whatevs. The point is that once you open the gate I'll be there. And if Pierce Brosnan over there won't take the story to a nice restaurant, I will. He probably WILL show her one nice night and then go running off to defeat some villain and forget all about her. Jerk. I'm here, baby.
>> No. 81703
File 132837059231.jpg - (14.16KB , 303x302 , its-a-conspiracy-thumb.jpg )
>Rarity as the last pony
Have you made it your mission to force me to love every character from the show I dislike?
>> No. 81710
File 132837558076.jpg - (1.39MB , 2116x1316 , QuickLearner.jpg )
Dangit! I had this huge response written and my browser crashed... oh well

>It's worth it just to see your images.
How about one that I drew quite some time ago? It sucks, so don't save it... unless... you want to.

>You say you love my stories, but will you take them out to dinner, hold their hands as you walk through the park, go out on tampon runs and remember to put the toilet seat back down?
Dude, I'd marry it if I could. ;P
Though, I'm leaving at the end of April to Brazil for 2 years. I will have no internet access the entire time. So... Hopefully she'll understand if I have to cut the relationship short. April 24th to be exact, a church teaching mission, with only email access once a week. Crazy right?... Wrong!

>the swiftness of your perusals is frighteningly charming.
Oh, I just want to read it as soon as possible. The reviews are only side effects. ;)

>that's a consequence of writing really dayum fast.
I know that feel. Being a programmer, I type rapidly and accurately. The only thing I'm not fast at, is putting together my ideas on how a story should go, so my writing is full of 5 minute pauses where I go, "Maybe it would be better to write it like this...". I should probably practice not doing that, since it would make it easier for me to revise it later (and by easier I mean, I'm not connected emotionally to any sentences that need to be hung or shot).

> choose someone else or a group of judges to deliver the verdict(s) or whatnot.

>He probably WILL show her one nice night and then go running off to defeat some villain and forget all about her. Jerk.
She'll know love like she's never known love before! Even in Brazil, our love will be as strong as ever!
>Slams his fist on the table.
Nothing can destroy our love!

Anyway, off to work with me! I have iPhone games to create!
>is gone
>> No. 81715
Rarity jumped from last to 3rd on my list when I rewatched the first season. She'll sneak up on you like that.
>> No. 81718
>> No. 81721
I remain doubtful that anyone can sell on the massive bitch that is Rarity, but if fanfics have sold me on Gilda and Scootaloo as interesting characters, I suppose one could pull it off with Rarity.
>> No. 81722
Read "Simply Rarity". It's pretty good.
>> No. 81730
I have always liked Rarity because beyond her habitual theatrics, she has some of the most believable episodes. Green is not your color, Sisterhooves Social, Sweet and Elite. Those all had demonstrations of her both trying to climb her way to the top getting in the way of her desire for her friends to get to the top, coupled with her genuine love for them all.

Rarity is the most caring Rogue.
>> No. 81948
ok SSE i decided to do the contest! i just wrote a new journal metioning that i'mma gonna have a contest thats PONY related.......
within the week i will have guidelines and rules set so then i will have new journal revealing the EOP theme and the start and stop deadlines.
the contest will run at least a month if not longer due to.............well the size of EOP ^^; will take awhile for noobs to get a good chuck of it down in order to creat epic art yes yes yesssss
>> No. 81952
Ooh, does this mean I might get to see some Petra art?
>will take awhile for noobs to get a good chuck of it down
Oh, I guess most likely not. Still, I'd love to see a concept art style drawing of Petra, and I'm absolutely sure SS&E would too if anyone would be so inclined.
>> No. 82174
File 132853067792.jpg - (22.97KB , 369x303 , 131594328434.jpg )
I just spent the last 7 hours plotting and attacking and writing the scene in the train where chapter 30 ends in a cliffhanger.

So far, the result is a 19 page fight scene between Scootaloo and 13 foes.

...and it's still not finished.

I wonder if this is a bad thing.

Meh. I need sleep.
>> No. 82175
>19 page fight scene
Sweet. So given this is the last chapter of the arc, it will be Epic fight scene, epic conclusion to fight scene, epic celebration (if victory), dialogue, Scootaloo finally gets allowed into the pit (possible in both victory and failure). End arc.?

I hope you aren't the kind of author to go, "lol,failure and hollow victory". That'd be cruel. ;)

Anyway, get some rest bro. I've seen what happens when you get tired writing... Malapropisms, malapropisms everywhere. :P


Also, that timing. How did you post that just as I woke up? That's creepy. XD
>> No. 82289
File 132857880483.jpg - (586.62KB , 2000x1000 , Petra.jpg )
So uh... I was bored...

um.. not sure how accurate it is. I just put down what I had imagined... though, some parts don't match up exactly with what I thought...

Painting's hard.
>> No. 82311
File 132858511653.png - (339.10KB , 1001x806 , spike.png )
> 19 page fight scene

I think you'll have to trim that dang thing down.

This video gets tossed around a lot here on /fic/, and I apologize if you've seen it before, but one part of it is very relevant now (it starts at around 1:54):
So with the sugar analogy, imagine taking eating nothing but sugary sweets for days on end. There's that initial high, yes, but then you just get really, really blasé to sweet tastes and find yourself wanting to never eat sweet foods again.

So, unless more and more of a character is brought forth in the tribulation that is a long fight scene, you can't let it drag.
>> No. 82316
Eh, depends on how it turns out. His previous chase scene worked because it took place across a large chunk of a city. The main thing however is avoiding a DBZ style setup where a lot happens in too short a time.

Or maybe that's just a backlash against the "Show don't Tell" mentality everyone has, when they go overboard on showing what is unneeded?

(Yes, I am aware of what I just said.)
>> No. 82321
File 132858693587.png - (150.86KB , 639x1250 , RBD-,,,-IDidn\'tDoIt.png )
On the topic of long fight scenes...

Epic battle scene. Well, considering it's the "final battle" of this arc, it will likely be a mix of fighting and dialogue and therefore accomplish the pacing curve in itself. We wouldn't want an "empty" fight scene (a fight scene for the sake of nothing other than a fight scene), and we know this isn't going to be one.

Someone can write a 30 page fight scene and it can still be really good and attention grabbing, while someone else will end up droning the entire 30 pages and create something worth pulping into egg cartons.

My point is that just because it's long doesn't mean it's going to be bad. It doesn't guarantee any loss of reader attention or story flow. We just don't know. So let's stop counting our Scootaloos before they kick flank.
>> No. 82350
I have never, ever, seen that link before on /fic/, or anywhere for that matter.

Good video, even if the auto-tuned voiceover was kinda grating.
>> No. 82365
File 132859133458.jpg - (124.27KB , 900x840 , vermin_supreme_pony_by_123hamster-d4n9yti.jpg )
Don't worry too much about it. These are the rough drafts, and they have yet to meet with the critical eyes of Vimbert, the fawning eyes of theworstwriter, or the i don't know wtf I actually do extra eyes of yours truly. Chances are, if something doesn't work, we're going to catch it and make skirts fix it before the final product comes out. We try to keep Skirts under control and producing the quality stuff. We don't let things like exploding colons and paintball guns bursting into flames stay as long as we can convince Skirts to ditch them. So it's nothing to really worry about.

I hope no one is offended by my characterizations.
>> No. 82366
Yep, because you didn't mention me. :)
>> No. 82377
File 132859741901.jpg - (360.31KB , 1024x768 , All the color died with her.jpg )

I really need to navigate places like this more often. Terrified this is just going to end up being a new thread or some crap. Have some fanart i did in the stream today, you wordy bastard.

Seriously. Nothing. Nothing but absolute adoration for this whole damn thing.
>> No. 82392
File 132860900352.jpg - (618.44KB , 2468x1970 , 109583%20-%20artist_alsatianvdk%20blush%20heart%20my_body_is_ready%20scootaloo%20scootalust.jpg )
Celestia on a bike. I am certainly feeling the love here in this thread.

One thing at a time, yes yes yesss?

First off, I'm working more on chapter 31. I slapped another ten pages onto it. It's looking like the whole action sequence is going to be about thirty-five pages long, though there are many shifts in it, and I like to think that I've randomized things just enough to make things interesting.

Is it an action sequence just for the sake of being an action sequence? Well, yes. Yes it is. I really can't deny that. I personally feel that it's a *fun* action sequence, and it's epic for its clash of Scootaloo vs Razzar, not to mention input of everyone's favorite green goblin... but it is nothing more than a textual attempt at a Hollywoodesque mechanic. Unfortunately, I'm not a comic book artist. I can only work in paragraphs.

Back in the day when I wrote Teen Titans fanfiction, I used to write action scenes that carried on for well over fifty pages. I'm not making this shit up. Fight scenes and crap used to be my bread and butter, and anyone who didn't like it was a prisoner along for the ride.

With End of Ponies, I've chosen a far more philosophical and cerebral approach to story-telling, so a huge smackdown of a climax is bizarrely out of place in this context. However, I almost exclusively formulated the Petra arc with the hope of doing a lot more action scenes than the other segments. Fluttershy got into emotion and madness. Dredgemane got into world building and comedy. Petra was supposed to an experiment in grim dark and explosions. Still, nothing excuses shoving stuff down readers' throats.

I'm still trying to do "show and not tell," but no matter how much I tell myself that, a long sequence is still a long sequence. Just because it reads smoothely in my head doesn't mean it'll pass by just as swiftly in the minds of the readers. I'm extremely tempted to post just the fight sequence alone before the entire chapter's done (ultimate length... I'm guessing 60 pages). I can very easily create a second version of the scene that's maybe... I dunno... 12 - 15 pages long, but I want to try this first draft of the Jackie Chan with hooves sequence on you marsupials. If you pre-readers do not like this (and this goes beyond the trinity of Vimbert, Worsty, and the Professor) then please let me know, and I'll attempt Plan B. Hopefully I'll have the rough draft up in two days. I've got about 48 hours off from work. F'naaa.

I still really, really want to get all of this done by the weekend of the 18th. But I can't fool anyone into believing that such is 100% likely. Still, I'm feeling jazzed. Are you jazzed? I'm really jazzed.

Onto marsupialization, shall we?

Ooooh. Hello, new desktop background.
I'm giddy to have seen this sprout up overnight. It certainly *feels* like overnight. How long did it take you to produce this?

Well, I'll say this. You got the colors right. I find the whole ensemble absolutely gorgeous. Petra is *exactly* the right color, and I love all of the snow and mist and stuff. Wasteland pic is Wastelandish.

Is the image accurate of Petra? MMmmmnnghyuuunot exactlyyyy... but that's hardly your fault. I'm likely going to have to go back and double check how I described the place in chapter 26. The structure on the right looks like it could be Petra. I'm... not sure what the structure on the left it. But dang if it isn't all pretty as frostbeams. Once again, I'm feeling the lurve. I hope they have paintbrushes in Brazil.

I want your entire Rainbow Dash folder, goddammit.

What characterizations would those be?

I hope you're not mad at me for tossing even more chapters your way. It seems like you were almost about to get a lucky break when suddenly you had a fresh minefield of horrible grammatical errors painted before you. I would hardly blame you for packing up your bags and hiking over to Penkat or Kstroke land.

Rest assured, I am going to go over every comment and barrel through all of the threadbare chapters. I'm just desperate to finish this rough draft, and then it'll be time for minesweeping. F'naaa. Thank you so much for all of your attention.

Giyaaaaaaah. How could you possibly have gotten the ruins of Cloudsdale to look any*more* like they do in my head? This is exactly what I was hoping to achieve visually (except for Scootaloo's mane hair, but it looks better this way anyhow). I wish I could somehow convey to you marsupials how insanely awessome it is to have drafted forth something in your head, and then someone utterly awesome and selfless comes along and paints an image of Petra or a sad scene with Rainbow Dash, and through some vicarious means a sequence that you dreamed into existence has been produced in the visual form. I often wonder why I sit down in a junk-filled office sublet of a garage, night after night after night, for eight months straight, staring into the blank canvass of a red-on-black word processor. When fantastic works of art come along as the effluent shadows of my textual madness, I begin to understand what all of this psychosis is about. Thank you for contributing to the dream with your beautiful talent. Every hour you poured into this piece is a flattering concept, and I'm touched.

My only regret is that I can't find a reason to link these two latest works of art on EqD by the next update, seeing as they're huge spoilers. Perhaps in the future. Though, if these are indications that the Petra arc alone--something haphazard and unfinished--is capable of moving people to fanart, then maybe I've got a good product on my hands. F'naaa.

End of line.
>> No. 82393
well here it is! its NOT started yet but i decided to give people the heads up as well......EOP is kinda long tehe
so once PETRA is on EQD the contest starts!
>> No. 82399
I only have one negative thing to say: your grammar and spelling are absolutely terrible. But I have the time to fix it right now before fall asleep go to classes. That is assuming you want it fixed and all pretty-fied... Eh, whatever I'm doing it in the name of the greater good End of Ponies!
I hope you're not offended or anything, it just looked to me like this could use a bit of touching up. If you don't want to use it, then that's fine too.
See the linked Google doc:
>> No. 82403
File 132862024774.png - (157.48KB , 900x684 , RBD-0-PHTLBPL.png )
> How long did it take you to produce this?
About an hour and a half or so...

>not sure what the structure on the left it
Well It didn't exactly match up with what I had imagined either but where else would a bridge go that leads to the part of Petra that mines? The shape on the right is the main structure, yes, but the thing on the left is where I imagined the bridge leading, 'cause a bridge leading out of and into Petra made no sense in my head, especially with the visual given from the train in the last chapter. :\

>I hope they have paintbrushes in Brazil.
Hehe, me too.

>I want your entire Rainbow Dash folder!
I've got something even better! 29 pages of rainbowy goodness :D http://mlp-vectorclub.deviantart.com/gallery/29968915

>Thank you for contributing to the dream with your beautiful talent.
You've got a talent for visuals bro, and the visuals you gave were too epic not to attempt to produce. ;)

I want to try my hand at that one... tear jerk style. :P

Anyway, I'm off to work! See ya!
>> No. 82411

What was I doing again? Right, business trip is businessy and full of the dumb. Getting up at stupid hours to catch a plane and then a bunch of crap and then le tired... if all goes as planned then tonight I'll actually have time to do some reading.

I can't predict the future here in Arizona, but I know I leave and get the weekend back home. I'm pretty sure I'll get some time tonight/tomorrow, but it is possible I won't. If all else fails, the weekend won't.

I will be done in time for you to have time to do whatever you gotta do.
>> No. 82422
File 132863211881.jpg - (45.89KB , 438x400 , 519.jpg )
>the blank canvass

Anyway, I'm working on getting to EoP.
>> No. 82427
wow, burning ring of fire much! lol i knew i had a few spelling mistakes. but.......i didn't think it was THAT bad! XD
and yes thank you i will use your corrections!
>> No. 82434
Hmmm. Apparently a DA link for reference fragged and quoted...whatever that is. Maybe someone can delete that post while I go smash my head into a wall.
>> No. 82435
It was about social security numbers. Anything that looks like a social security number turns into that image
>> No. 82437
Really? Interesting. Let me try again.





Ok, what I tried to post was, first two for general shape and design, second two for appearance and coloring. That is near the impression I got from chapter 26. Have the 2km structure in the giant sinkhole, with shanty towns on the bottom and around the rim, with traintracks and bridges at various levels. Sorta like the utapau sinkholes from starwars maybe for the bottom. Just dozens of times larger.

I just felt however that a theme of rust was a bit strange, because megastructures like that cannot survive without being made of the absolute best in materials.

Lastly, how does one go about getting the confirmed name and password setup on here? Getting a bit tired of skulking around as pure anon.
>> No. 82438
Well the last two work for style, and color from what I had imagined, but the first two tower designs feel... Too open and too tall... A structure like petra I would imagine grows like a large Christmas tree of sorts... Anyway, it's really up to skirts to say what it really looks like, because I want to amp up my painting as it's just a doodle at this point.

As for the name and password. No password needed, and tripcodes are optional. Go into the FAQ on the front page for the basics, but all it really is is putting your name in the name box and you're posting under a name.
>> No. 82451

Yeah, those are kind of resembling the image in my head. Platform fetish is fetishtastical.

Hey, good job fixing a bunch of the grammar and spelling mistakes, only now the links are broken, lulz.
>> No. 82452
Cool, anything on where the train bridge goes?
>> No. 82464
I forget how deep the sinkhole was, but I am guessing maybe 200ish meters deep? If so, then the base of petra might be around 400-800 meters wide(overlapping 300 meter platforms, fanned out at the base for stability?) ... 2km tall was it? Yes. Petra is big. SSE, what do they do for food? Imports/agricultural plates/other? And what does Scoots know of areal cloud construction?
>> No. 82525
Oh, that'd be my bad, I forgot to let derp'n dash know that the hyperlinks probably wouldn't persist. >>82437
I have a program that can generate you a specific tripcode if you want, but you're already a non-anon by putting "Anon Person" into the box. the trips just make it harder for someone to impersonate you :)
>> No. 82638
File 132868138981.jpg - (289.24KB , 1024x768 , TheHarmonywut.jpg )
But grayscale paints one anyway

somewhing about whalebones, a big balloon, and an airship.

Spiral staircase on the bottom floor, leadign up into a crampped cockpit, workbench, hammock and a boiler at the back that runs off of flamestone or some shit. If you ever discribed the look of the thing in detail, it was like a billion pages ago and have some more poorly directed fanart.

In Before some official blueprints of the thing surface somewhere and i literally have no idea what i drew.
>> No. 82640
File 132868234250.jpg - (141.06KB , 833x827 , 132797442237.jpg )
Chapter Thirty-One: Know Her Name

The end of the Petra arc. 56 pages long.

So... uh... yeah. Have at it.
>> No. 82642

I... It... Uhm...

Dayum. Like, Celestia on a Haitian rooftop dayum. How could some mysterious stranger be two-for-two?

Who are you, oh phantom artist? The world wants to know? Little Timmy wants to know.


I wonder if this is as good as it gets.

Thank so much for your awesomeness once more. Here, have scroll up and have an EoP chapter.
>> No. 82661

>> No. 82668
Dangit... Why can't I art like that...

Oh yeah, because I spend most of my time on music and programming... I should break out my tablet more often... :P

>has at it
>> No. 82672
That airship, it is amazing. However, upon remembering the syllable count... It's the great pumpkin Scootaloo!

Also, new chapter huzzah!
>> No. 82677
YOU! I apologize. A story of mine a billion years ago had no image, and EqD slapped your work onto it and I just sorta adopted that as the image of it everywhere for consistency and I'm sorry. Some day in the far distant future, I will perhaps earn my own art. But I didn't then and for that I apologize.

Back on track, jeegus work stuffs is way more intense than I bargained for and I'm really glad one of our more senior guys is here to bail me out. Here's hoping tonight or tomorrow night work out better, but if not when I step off the plane on Friday I'm just gonna go to town on this.

Why yes I am posting somewhat unnecessarily often. Yes it is because THERE IS STORY TO READ AND I AM NOT DOING IT VERY QUICKLY. This is my way of excusing my low speed. I want to do this, when work isn't in my way I am capable of doing this, and the second it isn't I WILL do this.

Go go gadget toomuchworknotenoughsleepnotevenclosetoenoughfreetime.
>> No. 82685
I really should be asleep right now. Instead, I just slapped together the closest thing to an Official EoP Soundtrack.


Dopamine? Where?
>> No. 82690
Well, I just finished the chapter. It was awesome.

Yet...why is there vague foreshadowing that Scoots might not survive what with the not seeing Warden again?
End spoiler

That ending...I can imagine all kinds of screaming and ranting next arc XD. Maybe Harmony will try and blame it on teleportation spells :P
>> No. 82691
Argh, too late do I realize that that stupid spoiler checkbox doesn't actually do anything.
>> No. 82695
I saw someone used my rainbow dash picture once upon a time. I just looked, but unfortunately lazily googling 'theworstwriter equestria daily' didn't yield the information i was looking for. It's not a problem or anything. The propagation of one's artwork is the best thing that can happen to it. After all, what purpose does a picture have but to be shared with as many people as possible? Art's got no meaning, if there's no one to observe it, so hell, thanks at least for mentioning it here after such a long time~

and as for people venturing into my gallery link some anon posted, the vast majority of things i draw are very decidedly NSFW, but if you're not logged into the site you can only see the clean stuff, so that shouldn't be a problem for you.
>> No. 82742
File 132873550361.jpg - (72.40KB , 400x378 , 10589363.jpg )
wow, just wow...... 40 hours worth of reading later its done. was epic arc of arcs and i cant wait for whats next!
>> No. 82749
File 132873598731.gif - (1.34MB , 320x182 , 8x3gr8.gif )
>40 hours
Wait, was that for just ONE arc?
>> No. 82756
It can take time to commit every word to memory. Don't be too hard on him for being a dedicated reader.
>> No. 82758
I'm not berating him, I'm wondering if it's actually that long. When it comes to Skirts, such claims can be all-too-real.
>> No. 82764
If this serves you as a guideline:
The last chapter on it's own is 30471 words long. Give or take a couple hundred.
>> No. 82774
File 132874108204.png - (138.79KB , 352x291 , 1315%20-%20aku%20reaction_image%20samurai_jack.png )
Not bad. Nothing compared to Ri2's 108,000-word chapter, though DX.
>> No. 82775
Must resume reading... I'm impressed with the action so far... Very reminiscent of cartoon network action sequences (in particular the backflip followed by landing and sliding with sparks/dust/whatever getting thrown up. Classic.
>> No. 82776
Looking forward to having one of my songs in there... :P

>> No. 82806

Just passing through, and I saw the words 108,000 word chapter.

Mind. Blown.
>> No. 82824
>Mind. Blown.

HA! I was the same too a few years ago about Ri2. That guy is a beast.

>> No. 82826
File 132875227517.png - (679.25KB , 3749x2813 , RBD-+-WANT.png )
Alright. Concluding the arc. WHOO!

Anyway, this chapter definitely kept my interest. I expected the long fight scene to feel long, instead it felt like a bunch of mini fight scenes linked together. I liked it, not sure about anyone else though.


===Review Chapter 31 by: PiercingSight===

>fell meatedly to the floor
I get what you're saying, but that sounds awkward. You use this word more than once, so check those out too.

>and the other two…
other two ^Rust Bleeders…
Sounds better this way.

>Phantom of the Royal Grand Biv
This paragraph starts from Razzar's perspective. She has no clue who the Biv is so this phrase feels quite out of place.


>and turned around-"
Random quotation mark, ahoy!

>second food

>could you please grab the…
could you please grab the…
She's in the middle of a battle. She wouldn't use any flourish.

>He lost his grip of his machete
Consider: The machete slipped from his grasp. (or something like that)

*ground dangit!… I will grinded your fingers off the next time you use this word.

>doubled the speed of the steamboats
That's not how physics works. The only things that would increase the steamboat speed are the wind, and Razzar running.


>next fired
Consider: then fired

>Strut Twenty-One/Strut Four
Wow… I was so used to "Number Strut" that when I read this, I gained slight dyslexia. At least it makes more sense now.

>eyes rolled back in their sockets
Try using different descriptions for her being choked/passing out/whatever. This feels repetitive.

>bit her limp

>with a drop-kicked

>Scootaloo didn't see Warden for the next few days.  Strolling through the streets of the impcity's many golden platforms, Scootaloo could easily understand why.
I feel like moving this phrase to the beginning of the third paragraph, and maybe editing it's wording to suit it's new home.

>Scootaloo gazed in numb disbelief
You just said that two paragraphs ago.

>one goblin would change the city's spirit
would change *changed

>pulled the trigger.
Poor Haman… I had hope for the guy…

>when you profit it...
profit ^from it?

>"I understand exactly, Razzar."
umm… foreshadowing? This could be an interesting twist.

>hide-and-seek with her past self.

>“...you would have joined me inside.”
…I wonder as well…

>Goddess' personal mirror was gone
taking note…this might be important

>I could care less.
Do you have a death wish?

>forth a challenged she had

>none of it wa lauding
*was… Also, dis gun b good.

>Pierce count: 1
Son, I am proud. And death won't take that pride away.

=========Final Words=========

What a way to hang us yet again. Epic, followed by intense, followed by heart-pounding, followed by glorious, followed by somber, followed by CLIFFHANGER!

Dude, that was an adventure. Even with all that action, it was still brilliant. The action was just diverse enough to not feel long and drawn out (to me anyway). Though, some of it I had to slow down and really concentrate to understand what was happening, especially when trying to keep track of where everyone was relative to each other. I'm expecting to go back to Petra, and also that at the end of the entire story, there will be a grand reuniting of Scootaloo, Warden, and whoever else ends up being included by then.

So my final rating of the Petra arc? Brilliant beyond brilliant. My favorite arc so far, and after Dredgemane, that's saying something.

Anyway, this next arc. I eagerly, eagerly, await it.

Hopefully some of this was of use, because I might not find time later to help out much. Though I will be writing that song for one of these chapters. I'm going to keep it a secret until release, what part it's about, because cliffhangers are fun. ;)
>> No. 82831
yes for just this arc. pinkie pie was about 35 hours and grand total i'm at about 110 hours!!!!!
thats right its taken me 110 hours to read this massive wall of text! as SSE would say F'NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>> No. 82854
>> No. 82969

Thanks for the review. I made a few changes because of it.

I also changed the last monologue/scene with Rainbow Dash (with Scootaloo on a cloud). I think it's more appropriate this time, and more in character for her.
>> No. 82970
You're welcome. I'll go check it out.
>> No. 82978
File 132882964274.png - (112.55KB , 292x322 , RBD-,,,-IDon'tSeeIt.png )
Indeed, much more in character this time, though, the parts where she goes "uhm" or "erm" feel a tad out of character. As far as I know, Rainbow is actually quick witted, and doesn't doubt her clever jests before spouting them. That, and her pausing in the middle of a voiceover sequence is a somewhat jolting experience.

That is all.
>> No. 82980

Thanks again for the input....and RD pic
>> No. 82983
File 132883083948.png - (274.32KB , 648x773 , RBD-+-Wink.png )
No prob. Sounds like your taking the day to fix some stuff up, eh?
>> No. 83035
File 132884674097.png - (150.39KB , 783x1020 , RBD---DangitImCrying.png )
I told you I'd do it bro. Here's a song written for a scene in chapter 25.

Scroll to the beginning of the scene in Chapter 25 starting with the line:
“Hello?! Anypony there?!”

You'll know the scene when you get to it. After you've reached it, go to youtube, play the song, and begin reading.


>> No. 83121
File 132886917170.jpg - (213.54KB , 715x728 , ZE GOGGLES.jpg )
Not even going to ask to use the painting? OR to edit it? Sadface, brony. I am disappoint.

Scoots and her goggles disapprove, too :O But whatever
>> No. 83123
File 132887238961.png - (93.34KB , 259x270 , 131600125171.png )

^_^ Ambient music is ambient. I think it matches the setting of the scene very well. Everything about it feels like it could be broadcasted across the hollows of the Cloudsdalian ruins and whatnot. It captures the isolation and stuff really nicely.

I should try playing this while I re-edit the scene, see how it matches up. It's pretty cool to think you did what I think you did.

I added it to my "EoP Playlist", lulz.

A few things, though. I *really* think it would have been... well... nice if you asked permission of the artist of the pic before slapping it on a youtube video. Especially if you doctored it somewhat, though I understand and respect the need to "un-spoiler" it. I know this is the Internet and things are grabby-grabby, but he shared the pic in this thread... and *you* populate this thread, and that kind of makes it a bit more personal than--say--grabbing something off of Google Images. Perhaps there's a way to re-do the video with a different image? Or no image at all, just to let your composition hold sway?

Another thing, and this isn't addressing you specifically, but all of the lovely marsupials who have donated so much of their talent, art, music, deviantart contests, and the like to EoP. Please, hear me out:

I still haven't updated the latest arc. It's still being edited. It's still unfinished. For all I know, I may be doing massive changes. I may be removing whole chunks of things. So, all of the Petra stuff is--as much as I consider--unofficial.

I share the rough drafts in this thread because I want/need input in order to IMPROVE the story. That's how I benefit from your feedback. My god, I adore the rise in fanart and music and other pieces of tribute, but I also can't let it all get to my head. This thread is primarily about trying to get the story done *right* before the official posting, and once the posting is done... THEN it will be perfectly excusable, in my opinion, to... say... proliferate fan works, declarations of page lengths, "in your face!" taunts to Past Equestria or Fallsins, or what have you.

I know I'm probably just rambling in circles, but what I'm trying to convey is that there're a lot of imperfections with this story, and I'm happy that some of y'all may be wanting to worship it, but let's not count the Scootaloos before they've hatched, right?

Anyways, I'm going back to some late night editing. I love you guys, and I'm so very happy to be receiving attention. But at times I feel guilty for milking so much out of you. I should tone things down a bit, and maybe by osmosis other parties can do the same--for the greater good.

(I just thought of something. I'm guilty of grabbing other people's images. I use them all the time while posting threads here, and without crediting the source. So, sorry if I'm a hypocrite. But being that this is an image posting thread, and I'm not changing the pics and adding/subtracting from them, I figure they serve a relatively innocent purpose, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.)
>> No. 83126
Sorry bro. Normally I'd ask, but I was rushing last night. Really sorry about that. I'll remove it if you want.

Well, I knew a few changes would occur, but I'm pretty sure the scene isn't going to disappear, right? It was perfect for writing something too, and I haven't written something in ages.

As for the images, I don't think posting them on an imahe board is bad without permission. Posting them with a work of ones own is a little different, and when I do that I always try to ask, and if I don't have time (or I can't find the artist), I at least try to credit. It's really an iffy business depending on the artist. Some are always grateful for any publicity, some are careful with their publicity, and some want to protect everything and publicize on their own, so there aren't really set rules, but it's better to be safe than sorry (as I just relearned).
>> No. 83128
File 132887873690.gif - (797.21KB , 1000x700 , RBD-0-Persuasion.gif )
Also, you're not milking anything. You're pushing me to be creative in ways I never would have been otherwise, so I kinda owe you some thanks in that regard.
>and another Dash image
>> No. 83187
Hey it's cool man. I'd just appreciate a heads up in the future~

It's the internet, and i've gotten used to people crossposting all of my crap all over the place. And i appreciate the fact you liked it enough to use it! Just like...if you are going to edit, and then use someone's work as part of a project of your own, it's courteous to ask. Carry on, good sirs~
>> No. 83190
File 132890245464.png - (170.20KB , 900x554 , 68584 - 40k angry_marines artist-miketheuser commissar commissar_fuklaw hugs ponyhammer Ponyhamm.png )
Glad to see everything worked out. NOW HUG!
>> No. 83194
>reads the image
"huging" is spelled wrong. Unless you meant "huge-ing", in which case, I'm not interested,


Can do.
>> No. 83321
File 132893329538.png - (257.68KB , 494x700 , tumblr_lxphkg4TxE1r878jto1_500.png )
Skirts, you know I love you, but why are you so full of words? >>83317

>picture related
>> No. 83353
Staying here to avoid adding more words to vimberts thread XD

Now that I took a look at some of what he said, I realized something about the two fight/chase scenes. The first one really was rather complicated and somewhat improbable...I forget if they had death traps or not but what about safety standards and guardrails? I figured the imps were somewhat smart what with building an arcology in a doomsday zone.

As to the Train thing...I completely forgot to say this the other day. "The crater that Petra is in is "X" miles wide. Bridge with tracks "Y" miles long. Scootaloo ambushes the train somewhere between "P"etra, and "E"dge? So how is it that a speeding train intercepted between E and P managed to turn into a DBZ fightscene that most certainly took longer than it would take a train going at least 10mph(not speeding) to cross a few miles?

Basically, I was sorta under the impression that when trying to kill, Scoots was very much like a soldier. Get in, kill as fast as possible, get out. Or in other words, wouldn't we have a case more like what happened when Harmony finally went all out on the Biv? A quick and brutal smackdown by a quick and brutal fighter.

The way I personally(Just my opinion here) would do the fights against wastelanders is have the encounters be like something out of "Smart Kobold" (Roguelike game where you are the super tough adventurer, the dungeon is full of 1hp kobolds, and they all act like starcraft 2 microbots.) Well, maybe for the later encounters. I would think that while the imps have some experience with fighting (ogre war was it?) None of them have ever fought anything like Scoots. So I would imagine they would get trounced the first time, be more prepared the next, and then be jumped again(literally) when Scoots goes all Royal Grand Biv on them.

Another few thoughts after reading the review posts and just finally getting time to type them out...

By the end of the Pinkie arc Scoots seemed to have finally realized that there were still things worth fighting for, and in this one she slowly ends up including the other creatures of the wastes in that category. I wonder how likely it would be that even if not part of your plan she ends up having a internal conflict of interests with her deep seated desire to bring Equestria and Ponies back, and her new found reasons for trying to help the people of the wasteland. After all, if she restores the past somehow(Entirely dependent on your time travel plans) she erases everything and everyone in the present for a past that might not be worth it. That I feel could be an interesting character moment for her to be caught in a mental balance struggle between what might be and what is.
>> No. 83364
The exchanges between SS&E and Vimbert are so tempting to read, because they're entertaining yet contain spoilers, and I'm still reading the AJ arc.
>> No. 83368
when she fought the royal grand biv she had goddess body and goddess power......something she doesn't have in the wasteland.....
>> No. 83385
Sooooo... March 10th will be interesting. I hope they go Dr. Whooves style.

More than that, I wonder how it will fuel our resident word monster.
>> No. 83457
Time travel is canon now? I'm okay with this.

Though, the impact on EoP, I hope it isn't too bad.
>> No. 83458
Even if it does, EoP could explain away different time travel mechanics with a "Oh, the Cataclysm screwed that up too." Easy as pie.
>> No. 83459
Or if the time travel mechanics are "It's a unicorn spell", then that would work too because neither Spike nor Scoots are unicorns. All it would take to adapt the story would be to have Spike mention Twilight's time travel while talking about how he figured out his own.
>> No. 83461
oh no, don't do it guys!!!
Trying to shoehorn cannon mid-story is just going to end badly!!!
>> No. 83487
Heh, I am of the "how can I cannibalize this" mindset for new source material. After all, source canon is not fanfic canon.
>> No. 83498
Twilight was researching Time travel stuff right before the Cataclysm happened if I remember Spike's monologues correctly. It's highly improbable that this is going to cause problems, and it may be helpful or just fun for EoP to incorporate a little bit of it.
>> No. 83541
File 132902200557.png - (29.67KB , 558x492 , jjjjjjjj.png )
SSE will get a chuckle out of this as i sure did!
cant hurt to try amiright tehe
>> No. 83542
this response is from the FoE group :P
>> No. 83546
File 132902394063.png - (197.20KB , 602x532 , 131617935654.png )

I really, really wished you hadn't done this.
>> No. 83550
Technically, canon already killed all that Faustmare backstory (depending on your view of Granny Smith's memory) so I am none-too-worried. The End of Ponies is a good enough story for me to be able to practice a little setting doublethink.
>> No. 83564
File 132902967016.png - (161.64KB , 900x1006 , sad.png )
darn it nibbles......
I'm sorry..........
>> No. 83569

I appreciate that you appreciate EoP. Just rein it in, if you could. I don't want other fandoms thinking that I'm trying to harsh their buzz. F'naa?
>> No. 83620
File 132904894708.png - (161.19KB , 646x561 , Scootaloo.png )
>>83541 >>83542 >>83546 >>83569
W...whoa. Skirts, I do not envy you. I really hope that you can focus on writing your story and not have to worry about reining in all of us out-of-control fans.

Anyhow, I wish I had something more awesome (i.e. artwork) to contribute than proofreadings of earlier chapters (and I'm almost done with the AJ arc) - especially considering all I really have to do is alt-tab and write something when I notice something, and then go straight back to enjoying your prose (which, when it waxes hyperbolic, incites a hearty belly laugh in me - Harmony's enjoyment of Granny's alfredo being one instance).

That being said, I need to get a proper microphone. That's because I really, REALLY want to help Warden with the audiobook especially because I was a bit disappointed -- that is not to say my voice is any better than his (behold, reviews wherein I've uploaded to SoundCloud some live readings I've done: >>83376 >>69003). I could attempt to recursively meditate on synapses from years past and channel Boris Badenov, combining his gravelly drawl with my irritating nasal yammer to get a Brucie. Anyhow, yeah, Warden, I hope I won't be too late to join the party. I want to be a part of it! It's just that, for the time being, I'm pretty busy with multiple projects--meatspace work, this hypothetical mountain >>83006 and my own fanfic about a buffalo and a tree saving the world being three of them.

Okay, that's enough out of me for now. Just dropping by to say hello!
>> No. 83689
File 132908530708.jpg - (236.56KB , 405x640 , Horse Tail.jpg )
So hey. Scoots shaves her tail and mane in the wasteland, or at least she did.

While contemplating this, i realized that i wasn't sure how that would look. After all, real horses have a triangular tail that's nearly a foot long, and all their tail hair comes out of that region. The underside of it towards the base of the tail has no hair, and is flesh tones. Ponies on the other hand, seem to have elaborate cones of hair that intersect their rumps someplace. They also have some kind of serpentine control over the movement and position of it, as used during the infamous flight from strut eleven. Rarity carried a cake box with hers, and in the show we've seen all sorts of goofy, unrealistic movement and control of that bunch of hair.

What i'm asking is, what is the anatomy of a pony tail? When shaved, is it a small cone of flesh with the end of her spine in it to control it's limited mobility? Or is it simply not there?

An odd question i know, but these are crazy times we live in! Crazy times~

SO yeah. How do shaved ponytail. Real world reference posted with the utmost seriousness.
>> No. 83691
Considering the prehensile tail action that occurs during parts of the fic, I would guess that something is there.... That or she has magical tail hair.
>> No. 84030
I don't quite know how to express this entirely into words, Short_Skirts_and_Explosions.

I don't make a habit of reading fanfiction. In fact, your epic yarn of a fic is only the fourth My Little Pony Fanfic that i've ever read all the way through. I've started a fair number, but the bad writing, plot, characterization, or pacing have always gotten in the way of completing them. It's sort of indicative of a fanfic to say that this is fairly commonplace. Anyone can write fanfiction, which is part of what makes it both wonderful and terrible.

First, allow me to say that this is, by and large, the best written bodies of work that I have ever read on the internet. Easily.

Second, allow me to say that work that you have undertaken, this massive tale that encompasses so much depth and breadth of emotion, is easily one of the top twenty things that I have read OFF the internet. I'm an English major, going into my sixth year of collegiate study. I read serious literature, big heavy volumes of the stuff, for fun. Chaucer, Twain, Shakespeare, Lovecraft, and the like. I'm not just saying that you're good. I'm saying that you're really, really good.

Finish this amazing work, and then write a novel, something that is your creation, rather than borrowing ideas from My Little Pony, and I will happily buy it and put it on my shelf, alongside the other great authors that grace my bookshelves with their prose. After completing this behemoth, this great curling leviathan of a 'fanfiction' (and I hesitate to lump it into such a category of random value), writing some regular sized novel will feel easy.

I sincerely look forward to reading more. I've just completed the most recent 'finished' portion of the story, the Pinkie Pie arc. It was wonderful, and filled with such excellent writing. I'm not saying that you are perfect, and the occasional odd choice of words still makes me snicker as only a student of English can (naked is a particular favorite of mine), but the soul of your story, the hope and terror and uncertainty and growth that lies beneath the surface (and occasionally shows itself, especially in the 'journal entries' of the Last Pony) is so very, very strong, that I can overlook these little oddities, almost endearingly, as one can view a paining by a certain artist and tell by the brush strokes and composition that it was made by said artisan.

So, that all said, write on. I look forward to reading the rough drafts of the coming chapters, and I'll be certain to remind myself that those are rough drafts, rather that criticize that which is unfinished. I'll probably write you again.

Best of luck!
>> No. 84031
Ah, additionally, if you would like any feedback, feel free to e-mail me at the above address. Always happy to help!
>> No. 84036
>(naked is a particular favorite of mine)
Hehe, yes! Also: "sashayed" and "sauntered".
>> No. 84043
All the sexy words, of course ;)

Yeah Skirts, I'm with this guy. When you're done with this, move on to writing novels you can publish. Your work is of higher quality than most published writers out there, even higher than many best sellers. You do have an amazing gift for writing, and based on the size of this monster, a regular novel would be like writing one arc of this or less.

Just sayin', you have an amazing potential, and I don't want to see it stuck in the fan fic world.
>> No. 84052
And nubile! Don't forget nubile.

I too will echo the sentiment - that ss&e should continue writing, but not confine himself to fanfiction, because his imagination and talent for writing highly immersive and pathos-rich prose deserve broader exposure.
>> No. 84177
I linked this place and the fimfiction ...gallery...?... in my paintings and i got this note from one of my watchers:

"[QUOTE] Holy shit, man. I read the first chapter after I saw "All the colors died with her" and followed the links in the description, and now I can't stop. This has got be the best fanfic I've ever read. :serious: [/QUOTE]"

Chew on some anonymous flattery~
>> No. 84238
Actually, It was your art that turned me on to this story in the first place, no pun intended. I follow you on DeviantArt, though I'm well aware of your other body of work on FA. You're an artist of high caliber, Insomniac, to be sure, and I mean that with no sarcasm.
>> No. 84263
Hey, it's me.

So, I had a few questions about
>> No. 84265
A few questions:

One: SS&E, how would you feel about others writing fiction on your universe? Sort of how (I imagine, anyways, I haven't read them) so many people seem do be doing spinoffs of FO:E. Is that something you are alright with?

Two, more of a general question, how are the audio recordings coming for EoP? I remember at least one being in production, and a few were talking about starting their own projects. Well, at any rate, I would like to offer my services as a narrator or voice actor or what have you. I just bought a microphone and I rather enjoy a good monologue, so I figured if anyone needed someone with a rather deep voice, I would offer my services, free of charge.
>> No. 84266
Crap, double posted... how does one delete posts?
>> No. 84268
>One: SS&E, how would you feel about others writing fiction on your universe? Sort of how (I imagine, anyways, I haven't read them) so many people seem do be doing spinoffs of FO:E. Is that something you are alright with?
What would one write about? This story is so very, very much about its central character that writing a sidefic about SS&E's wasteland almost seems like missing the point, and writing a sidefic about SS&E's Equestria would be like writing an MLP fanfic, plus a few goddesses and some philosophizing Fluttershys. But maybe others could come up with something.

On another note, your post reminded me of this:
>Harmony/End of Ponies' Dragon...By short skirts and explosions Source: End of Ponies
It has already happened.
>> No. 84271
I've actually had a brief discussion with Skirts about a side story I had an idea for, but the concept is poorly thought out at best.
>> No. 84344
I'm sure there could be some side-stories. They could be focused on Gilda and how she commands her crew and hunts down bounties, or what she went through before, during, and after the Cataclysm.

Another could be on Bruce, with the same properties as Gilda's minus the bounty hunting and adding the scavenging.

The mane 6; what were their lives like before and after Harmony shined onto them, with each of their stories ending with the Cataclysm (can't imagine what Dash was thinking after she left Scoots. Tears will shed if it was told, no doubt) .

The mane 6 would be the easier ones to write something since we know this story is following the show. And we also know what all of their personalities are like, including Gilda's to a point. Bruce, on the other hoof, not so much.

But of course, there are still holes that need to be filled if those type of side-stories are to be made.
>> No. 84349
you could but........ because the story has not ended we dont know everything about them characters yet..... for instance its safe to assume gilda has an important role in the end of the story at one point or another. so having said that if you were to make a side fic now on that it would most certainly contradict the second half of EOP in one way or another......
>> No. 84500
File 132936892108.jpg - (215.87KB , 1280x800 , herpp.jpg )
if anything, this at bare minimum is all i'm trying to achieve for EOP
and i'm very happy to know that this contest is doing that
>> No. 84552
File 132937195142.png - (791.64KB , 1600x1389 , i__ve_been_dreaming__i__ve_been_waiting____by_from_yesterday_xx-d4pqgrb.png )
The audio recordings 2.0 haven't happened yet at all, though I've been working on docs to make the entire project flow more easily. If/when SS&E makes those minor changes to the first chapters then we can start in on that. In the meantime, I was thinking about possibly working on a later arc. Pending my cast list for those chapters (I'll try to get all of those done by this weekend. It's really just skimming chapters for the dialog.)

I've got a post in the /collab/ board with everything now, so go ahead and check that out.
>> No. 84649
Like I said... Sweet mother of Epona I want to take part in this but don't have very much time what with everything else going on. I'll... try hunting down a decent mic, get ALSA to recognize my complicated sound card and try my voice at some roles. My phone isn't the greatest recording device :S
>> No. 84682
Funfact: As of the end of the Pinkie Pie arc (the latest update to it), End of Ponies as a word count very close to "Les Misérables", which is one of the longest novels ever published.

EoP = 513,000
Les Misérables = 513,000
Give or take a few hundred words.

And from what he has said he is a bit past halfway done. Meaning once it is completed it will have an estimated over 1 million words, putting it in the top 20 or so longest novels written, from what I have researched at least, so that number may be off a bit.

Anyway, I give you my praise SS&E, for being so awesome.
>> No. 84692
And the little prince can't be more than 40-50K with it's 96 pages! its one of the most sold books of the world, has whole lessons in universities around it and is declared a masterpiece.

So... What's your point?
>> No. 84697
That 500k words is nothing to sneeze at?
>> No. 84710
It is if the story were of bad quality, had plotholes, or simply was more confusing than watching dali paintings while high.

Length doesn't really matter, just go to fanfiction.net, and you will see length has no relationship with quality.
>> No. 84712
But this fic IS high quality. 500k words (soon to be much more) while keeping a consistantly great storyline with depth, captivating characters, and vibrant worlds is really, really difficult to acheive.

That's a lot of good words. That's all we're saying.
>> No. 84714
Which I know, I read the story.

But going around talking about length is counter-productive and dumb, because length doesn't equal quality. I had too many days of rage in ff.net with people saying their story was the greatest because it was 2M words even if it was garbage.

I know for a fact many people go, read reviews comparing the length to other large books and simply say "oh really? Well, chances are it's the only thing going for you." And then don't read the story because, hey, I came to read your story, not a [email protected]*k measuring contest.

Talking about length then is really not the way you want to deal with this story, that is so self-contained you really need to forget the length and simply read on as you fangasm like an idiot (and with good reason too).
>> No. 84715
Of course it doesn't matter, but it's still fun to think about. :P

A lot of stuff people brag about don't matter. That's part of the fun! :d
>> No. 84752
it's about knowing the most sensual way to insert it into the minds of your readers! Though increased length can make ANY fic look more impressive at first glance, it's the way it moves around in there, combined with the skill of the person moving it around, that gets you off.

I mean makes a story good. That is what i was talking about.
>> No. 84766
>...awkward silence...
>> No. 84777
File 132942642170.jpg - (36.05KB , 750x525 , 129906%20-%20artist_Eliwood10%20scootaloo.jpg )
First off, let me apologize. I've been in this mindset for the better part of a week, and I haven't posted a single thing about it in this thread. That was wrong of me.

EoP is on hiatus for the time being. As if it wasn't already obvious, the core editorial reaction to the last arc has been less than superb, and for good reason too. Though I finished the rough drafts of the Petra saga, it is a story full of bizarre plot contrivances, bloated action sequences, character incongruencies, LUS, and unimaginative pretense.

My initial impulse upon this realization was to immediately set forth upon reworking, revising, and re-hacking the lengthy arc. But, that's not a good idea at the time being. I'm too attached to the arc as it is, and if I attempted work on it now, none of my changes--I feel--would be accomplishing anything.

So, I had decided several days ago to put EoP on hold, distance myself from it, and in a few weeks to a month go back to it and work on the story with a refreshed mind, whee I won't mind the changes that I make, when I can accomplish things objectively.

I suppose it's only fitting. The fic is about halfway done, structurally. This is something akin to an intermission.

In the interim, I'm planning on a few mini-fics and side projects, stuff that will hopefully be FUN. EoP is fun, of course, but I want it to be more than that. I want it to be as close to perfection as I can make it. I know I'll never achieve that goal, but it's something I aspire for regardless.

As for those who worship EoP for its length, I'll just say that I've been there before. I once wrote a 2.7 million word fic on fanfiction.net. It was a horribly atrocious body of work, but people were mesmerized by it anyways. What grates me is when I get reviews (like the ones that tend to populate Fimfiction) where someone will essentially go "This story is the bestest! It's longer than most real novels! It's the best piece of literature ever! I'll start reading it real soon!" That's when I tend to get pissy. It goes to show that as long as you can slap stuff onto the Internet, there's no shortage of idiots who'll worship you or troll you without meritable cause. I just happen to love writing; that results in a bunch of words being produced. However, at the same time, I want to be sure that my writing is entertaining and purposeful. So, I would *hope* that in the gargantuan volume of text that is EoP, there is something worth reading beyond me textually pleasuring myself in the middle of the brony community.

Anyways, like I said, I'll be working on side projects, but this thread isn't the place to ramble about them. This is an EoP thread, and since EoP is on hold, it's only right that this thread be put on hold too.

I encourage anyone who frequents this board to allow this thread to sage. In a month's time, I imagine, I'll dredge up from the depths once I'm working on EoP again. I'll be doing things differently, I think, and submitting chapters one at a time instead of churning out entire half-arcs in seclusion. That's probably the smart way to go about it.

Thank you all for your attention, and I apologize for leaving you in the dark about so many things.
>> No. 84795
Hey, take as long as you need. No pressure.

That'll give the rest of us time to whip up kickin stuff like art and music to dazzle you with.
>> No. 84811
Oh, another thing.

I absolutely love the names you come up with for some of your chapters. I've never... I don't quite know how to put it. Like just in a few words, you foreshadow just how deep said chapter is going to be. I especially like Where You Lay Your Head, Give To The Earth... And The Earth Gives Back, and Somepony Who Earns.
>> No. 84814
No problem man. A little break can go a long way in any creative field. Get out and have some refreshing fun. You've earned it.
>> No. 84844
wow the irony!
well you having said that now is going to make me say this now....
i am (sooner now than later) going to send you a nice lengthy message regarding what you just have mentioned here! oooooooooh and i cant wait!
>> No. 84878
Hey, no problems whatsoever. When you manage to put out 500k in a few months while using up all of your free time, of course you will suffer burnout.

The main thing is to make good use of your break time, have fun, don't get killed by giant rocks crushing your car, and refresh the faculties.

I will of course ask about what style of other stories you plan on making.
>> No. 84978
No prob SS&E, this is your story and if you feel that taking a break from it will make it better, then by all means.

But, before we let this thread sage, I want to post one thing.

I'm currently working on a song based on The End of Ponies. I was mostly inspired by Scoots' personification of Death throughout the Pinkie Pie arc.


I've only got one verse, one pre-chorus, and a chorus figured out, but it's going to be longer, and tell more of a story. Probably starting with the fall of Cloudsdale.

Hope you like!
>> No. 84984
We can wait. Long as the end product's better for it, the wait will be worth it.

I really like the way each arc has a different naming scheme. I've never really been a fan of chapter names, but EoP is making me come around to them.
>> No. 85091
I sincerely look forward to hearing about or reading these side projects. Enjoy your break!
>> No. 85111
Wow, I'm impressed with that. My impression started off rather shakey, your voice sounding more like a low murmer in the beginning, and I didn't think I could get into that. But by the end, I was really starting to feel the ambient emotion in the sound. Where I was at first unsure, I am now certain that the style of singing is right for the song. And especially at the end, with the "Cause I am the one- the End of Ponies", that line felt especially... I don't know how to say it. I absolutely loved it.

That's some cash stuff right there. I'd totally throw money at you for it. And that's saying something, coming from an unrepentant pirate.
>> No. 85505
Well, fuck. I was reading Chapter 26 and left to go do something and came back the next and without even noticing, started to read chapter 27 and got about a fifth of the way through.
>> No. 86819
I keep hearing how praised this fanfiction is. I'm about to give it a try although its sheer size kinda scares me :P
Anyways, one thing. I really REALLY can't deal with depressing pony stories. Not "My Little Dashie" depressing but grim-depressing.

I had no such problem with anything before and most of the time I can easily read and enjoy any sort of story, but large doses of death and depression in my beloved Equestria is something my mind just can't digest. Ruins my mood for days. Unless it's somwhow resolved in the story arc. Happy end or such.

So keeping the above written in mind, could anypony please tell me if this is a story for me?
(( I would browse through the comments myself for more insight but I'm afraid of spoilers. ))
>> No. 86823
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Well, every single pony is dead except for one. In the first arc the last pony faces death, scavenges through cities filled with dead ponies, cuts off unicorn horns to use as tools, and kills multiple sentient creatures. This all happens in a place unlike the Equestria you know and love: the post-Cataclysm wastelands.

When the time travel hits you'll find a plausible rendition of Equestria where the dark bits fly under the radar of most of the inhabitants of the world. So far, each arc has resolved itself with a "happy ending" of sorts.

Overall, I'd recommend giving it a read unless you really don't want to find yourself believing in a world where all of ponydom is dead. Because I could see this story fitting into canon for MLP if it wasn't a kids' show and was the world for a fantasy series. I hope that's helpful.
>> No. 86824
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Happy endings everywhere. While there are some sad parts, they are written to make the good parts much better. You won't be disappointed (or made sad too much), it's really an amazingly epic piece.

Have at it!
>> No. 86834
Ok, I'm even less sure now than before.
The mere thought of the mane 6 (or basicly any canon character) being dead sends my mind into a terrified defensive mode :-/
I year ago I wouldn't have thought - being a person raised on Lovecraft novels - that stories of deceased multicoloured equines will disturb me so much.

On the other hand...the story sounds interesting.

I guess in the end it all comes down to the battle between my fears and curiosity. The latter usualy wins... That's how I read Cupcakes *shivers*

Anyways, thanks for the info. ;-)
>> No. 86858
Well, while everyone is dead, there are survivors. It's less of a "everyone is dead, despair!" and more of a "You are the last of your race, find out who did it and kill them with this super powered prototype spaceshi-wait"...that's the theme of a bunch of 80's and 90's sidescrolling shooters... >.>
>> No. 86882
Just finished Chapter 1.
I must say I'm kinda reliefed. Based on the little information I acquired I was expecting a "everyone is dead" ( just as >>86858 noted) world.
I braced myself for the story of the last pony as she journeys through the lifeless land of Equestria and constantly faces the memories and remains of everything and everyone she loved, all this in her ultimate loneliness.

Quite glad to say this - looks like I was wrong. :)

This fantasy - steampunkish world is really to my liking and more than happy to see the author is concentrating on the story rather than the "deadness" of the world. Not sure why but I was expecting an elaborate storytelling of decay and anthropy with not even a single sign of hope or joy.

Though I'm still worried (based on a comment I accidentally caught on EqD) that my mind will have to deal with the dead remains of the mane6, the first chapter got me interested enough to go on.

Thanks for the Happy Endings part. It kinda talked me into it .)
>> No. 86889
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No prob. The story is definitely worth it.
>> No. 88196

This certainly looks familiar.
>> No. 88201
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>> No. 88210
That is so Frostbeams!
>> No. 88260
Well, it looks liek a EoP fan managed to get on the "Make a fucking awesome celevebration for the London 2012 Olympiad"
>> No. 88265
Well, it looks liek a EoP fan managed to get on the "Make a fucking awesome celevebration for the London 2012 Olympiad"
>> No. 90207
Time being immutable is nao canon.
>> No. 90208
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I liked the episode, it was rather predictable though. The plot summary gave away the whole story before I even saw it, but it was still fun to see some gypsy magic.
>> No. 90209
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>> No. 90213
The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. You can't conclude that without testing it first.

Also, spoilers.
>> No. 90215
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Twilight tried to change the past in the name of altering the future. She failed.

How you say... QED?

Although one example doesn't exactly make a bulletproof case, but I doubt the show will delve into any more time travel nonsense.
>> No. 90217
Nah, time is just immutable as long as you use one time use only spells.

The real question is why no one was concerned with her being there :P
>> No. 90218
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Failure to do something only proves that it's possible to fail, not that it's impossible to succeed.
>> No. 90222
Yet she performed the exact same actions in both cases, despite knowing what Future Twilight in the past had done, suggesting she was unable to alter the result. Of course, one could argue that she was simply acting that way due to fatigue, but... eh, whatever.

(Sidebar: I really don't care about time travel)
>> No. 90235
One could make the argument that there are multiple examples within the episode, which culminated in the final trip back in time completing the cycle.

So, while certainly not concrete, the implication of immutable time is there. Also, we now know a tiny bit more about the Pinkie Sense. It would seem that even a perception of future events doesn't change them. (Maybe I'm reading far too much into that bit, but hey; it's fun.)
>> No. 90249
The episode proves nothing other than that Twilight overreacts and is oblivious. There have been no changes to canon, and no stories need to concern themselves.

My engines are revving, though. There really aren't enough time travel stories and with the hiatus here, maybe I'll have to do something about that. Or someone who can actually write, whichever.
>> No. 90254
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> There really aren't enough time travel stories
Just ask SS&E, he'll probably write some more, time permitting. His flop, "I Remember Rainbow Dash", was slated to be a story about history/timeline alteration involving Gultophine and the power of sonic rainbooms. He gave me a summary of that could-have-been-incredible tale during a nice live editing session we had on Chapter 3 of EoP (pic describes my facial expression as he told me the plot summary). BTW, he's been a fun and pleasant person to work with ^_^

By the way, please sage everyone. OP has requested we do so until this story is back in business.
>> No. 91423
Well, the phoenix in the new episode appears to be just as dangerous as in the story.
>> No. 91516
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>> No. 91517
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>> No. 91519
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>> No. 91527
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Petra Arc Chapter 1: Ashes of the Rainbow

Petra Arc Chapter 2: All the Colors Died With Her

So yeah. Hello, Marsupials. Over a month ago, I jumped off the EoP train in order to distance myself from the fic and work on side projects.

I've done a whole lot of didley squat.

So, here I am, more or less back. I'm pretty dayum rusty, and I fear that it shows. But whatever. People read this fanfic. It's garnered fanart. I feel like utter crap when I'm not working on it. So, I'm back.

These two chapters aren't a massive update by any stretch. They're 90% the same stuff you've already read. I just deleted a bunch of stuff, changed the order of scenes, and added a few extra things into Chapter 2. In order to make things palpable for y'all, I've provided comments so you can know which scenes are old, which are new, and which you can skip over. Hint. Skip over everything.

Today was fun. I essentially unplugged the Internet connection from my computer and forced myself to go for a walk outside and think up the goddayum outline to Petra 2.0, which I shall nao call Petra Arc: HHH Edition from hereon out. The original draft shall be labeled Petra Arc: Kaizo Edition. Because too much kaizo is... well... kaizo.

HHH has a sledgehammer. Deal with it.

Like I said, these first two chapters will look very familiar, but hopefully it'll show the new style of pacing and mood that I'm going for. I've deleting maybe 2/3 of the Pre-Cataclysm Scootaloo scenes, but I'm not getting rid of them altogether. The biggest challenge of the arc is figuring out how to fill the new plot into the frame of the old flashback sequences and still not throw off the pacing. Maybe I'll succeed Maybe I won't. I sure don't want to have to resort to Petra Arc: Batista Edition. Cuz, fucking duct tape, man.

Also gone will be the overly-long and exuberant fight scenes. There *will* be action scenes, mind you. But I intend to make them short, sweet, and poignant... just like past EoP action sequences (Right?)

A lot of characters are underoing major changes. The story is aiming to be more introspective and philosophical, as that is the main aim of EoP to begin with.

The changes will be so drastic (I'm thinking about 70% of the arc will be different) that I dare to say that the arc will be enjoyable with a re-read, for reasons far different than Kaizo Edition.

I would also like to make the chapters a tad bit shorter and more digestible. What does this mean? MOAR CHAPTERS. I did a guestimate from the rough outline I made to day, and I'm expecting this arc to be perhaps thirteen (13) (XIII) chapters as a whole. I know that *sounds* epic, but this is likely a quantifiable generalization. I still think HHH Edition will be no longer than Kaizo Edition. But, I've said that kind of crap before.

How long will this take me to do? I dunno, and I'm not even going to guess.

One thing I will tell y'all, I'll be posting the rough draft chapters one at a time from now on, instead of waiting until a huge chunk of the arc is done before posting drafts. I think we both benefit from me doing updates gradually to Ponychan in this way. If I had done that from the get-go, I may never have entered the rut I'm just now trying to climb out of.

So, I guess I'm back. I thank all of you marsupials for your patience, support, hormones, and backsweat. Here's hoping I deliver to you in proper... uhm... Guardian Forces (pssst, Shiva's naked).

tl;dr: It's still a fucking trainwreck.
>> No. 91532
HUZZAH! The fun has been reiterated!
>> No. 91534
I'll lose sleep some other day. Not tonight though, sorry.
>> No. 91547
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Psh, I wasn't even feeling tired yet tonight. I'll try my hoof at the first one, then get back to working on that whole audio thing-a-ma-jig I'm supposed to be working on. So many lines to label by character... so many. Still, I've given myself a week for the rest of them, and whatnot, so I should be able to keep up with these too.

Yadda, yadda, back to working play-acting as an editor for me. Here's hoping I continue to contribute useful stuff.
>> No. 91556

Welcome back, SS&E! I'll start re-reading the drafts when it's not 3:30 in the morning. Maybe I'll post a few first 're-impressions' here when I get a chance. I'm looking forward to the revisions to the Petra arc. Your work, even rough, is fun to read, and watching your creative process and the editing work is a treat. I'm excited to watch the arc evolve into the quality that the more polished chapters/arcs exhibit.
>> No. 91579
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I took a look at everything you marked as new and skipped the rest. As usual, I'm impressed with how much this story improves once you revise. Any rust that's there is minimal and mostly related to some LUS and some adverb abuse, I'd say. Pretty good stuff.
>> No. 91639
While skimming through the Petrapocalyse Now Redux chapters, I found the few annotations provided by SS&E that detailed things like themes and structure to be pretty cool to read.
>> No. 91650
Welcome back! It will be interesting seeing how Petra changes, but on that note I have a question. Seeing as the pre catalysm Scoot is being cut mostly, not changed, do you consider the old stuff still Canon?
>> No. 91661

Now I need to go back to my usual schedule of obsessively F5ing both my inbox and this thread while I wait for updates.

And then whine and use this as an excuse for why I haven't been writing much, except that doesn't make any sense because even during the hiatus I didn't write much of anything. Whatever.

>> No. 91665
Speaking of 'garnering fanart', this scene looked awfully familiar from EQD's newest Drawfriend... http://goo.gl/B8vz9
>> No. 91774
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>> No. 91891
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Boobile, boobile, boobile, boobile, boobile, boobile, boobile.

You will now hear that portmanteau in my voice every time you think of the word "nubile". Let it steer you in the right direction, making you imagine healthy young women of marriageable age.
>> No. 92045
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Your sins will be read to you in shifts throughout eternity the next several weeks. The list will never eventually end. There has been some history-modification at work in the first five chapters, so your sins from those chapters will be omitted. Similar to how you went back in time to right those wrongs, you may have hope by use of Ctrl-F (to invoke the search function) on the quotations made herein, which, if you are editing live within Google Documents, will take you directly to the offending areas.

The sin you have committed most, and yet, is also very easy to correct, is of course the breaking of this rule by St. Clemens:
> Use the right word, not its second cousin.
In your writing, you do not merely use words that do not mean what you are trying to convey, either in literal meaning or in tone / connotation, but you do so repeatedly, like a dog continually returning to its vomit, so that the chances of a conscious reader interpreting it as an invocation of artistic license is diminished to zero, and the reader is left to conclude that you do not understand these words' meanings. That, or you merely wished to insert these words as stuffing material in attempt to squeeze life that no longer remains out of them, to perhaps do your prose credit, when in reality it turns it a shade of purple that paradoxically waxes gray under closer inspection.

A non-exhaustive list of the words you have oppressed, which might as well be meaningless in your prose:

hovel n 1: small crude shelter used as a dwelling
nubile adj 1: of girls or women who are eligible to marry
obsidian n 1: acid or granitic glass formed by the rapid cooling of lava without crystallization; usually dark, but transparent in thin pieces Note: while it may not be uncouth to use this to describe dark surfaces, it is best used to describe dark, smooth, and glossy surfaces, not as a generic term for black matter, or you invariably diminish its effect and meaning.
pathetically adv 1: in a manner arousing sympathy and compassion; "the sick child cried pathetically"
saunter v 1: walk leisurely and with no apparent aim
sashay v 1: move sideways
2: to walk with a lofty proud gait, often in an attempt to impress others; "He struts around like a rooster in a hen house"
3: perform a chasse step, in ballet
serrated adj : 1: notched like a saw with teeth pointing toward the apex
wilt v 1: lose strength; "My opponent was wilting"
2: become limp; "The flowers wilted"

Chapter 6:
“Sauntered” used six times. You have avoided the complete annihilation of your soul by avoiding misuse of another word this many times.

> Epithets are meant to be engraved on ponies' stones, not on their faces.
epithet n 1: a defamatory or abusive word or phrase
You meant to say “epitaph.”

> Her scarlet eyes sashayed down the rows of neatly scribbled words, and her optics brightened at the end of the perusal.

> He stared at her, his green-crested chin propped on a hand of serrated claws.
> Scootaloo's dangling head spun and her amber eyes pulsed wide as a trio of serrated metal teeth sliced its way through the air and straight at her snout.
“Serrated” would describe a surface or edge beset with teeth or teeth-like features, not those features themselves.

Chapter 7:
“Sauntered” used five times.

> Applejack laughed pathetically, her eyes rolling back.

> Applejack snarled her teeth in a fierce grin, pivoted on her front limbs, expertly swiveled her rear legs, and catapulted her hooves murderously into the side of the tree.
“Snarled” is an intransitive verb, so “her teeth” cannot be a direct object of Applejack.

> The orange mare nodded numbly and gave the pegasus a cockeyed loot.

> In a sudden serrated backflip of the heart, Scootaloo realized that she hadn't even seen a blink of Apple Bloom since she had first arrived there.

> Out of curious experimentation—as opposed to somber angst—she once more raised a copper limb and aimed the soft part of it against the serrated beak of the rusted rooster rotating to a stop.
Chickens do not have teeth. Unless, of course, this were a mutant chicken in which relic genetic material left over from the Jurassic era were reactivated to produce teeth.

> She strolled hatless under several waving branches of apple trees as she snuck over a darklit hill with her pitchfork aimed serratedly ahead of her.

> She swung her snout in a wide swath—her black mane flowing with an amber streak—and she mercilessly slashed the serrated length of the pitchfork's teeth across an advancing row of leather flesh.
This implies that each of the pitchfork’s teeth had saw-like edges, which would render it completely useless as a pitchfork (because hay would get caught in the teeth rather than sliding effortlessly off the ends of them; pitchforks are used to pitch hay).

Chapter 8:
Saunters: 2.
> Canterlotlian History Books blame him for the Chaos wars, during which time trolls murderously skittered across the nubile landscape, doing his bidding, biting into and shredding asunder every living thing that they could see.

> There was no other spot in Equestria that matched the lushness and purile beauty of Sweet Apple Acres.
“Pure” is the word you meant to use; “purile” looks like a misspelling of “puerile” —
puerile adj 1: of or characteristic of a child; "puerile breathing"
2: displaying or suggesting a lack of maturity; "adolescent insecurity"
It is uncanny how appropriate this adjective is - not in its place in the prose, but to describe the manner of sins revealed herein.

> ...if this coming slight of hoof did not pass the lucid scrutiny...

> Granny Smith's pupils were like twin pools of acid, but a placid heart bubbled patiently underneath.
This extends beyond an oxymoron (because it’s a double-oxymoron) and falls off the precipice of absurdity. It is nigh-impossible for a sane reader to make sense of this, because “placid” and “patient” directly conflict with “bubbled”, thus the confusion over whether her heart was at peace or “bubbly.”

> Scootaloo wiltingly pondered

> I'm gonna be flying fast and low across these tree; so I need

> Scootaloo finally surrendered with a wilted breath.

Chapter 9:
Saunters: 4

Chapter 10:
Saunters: 3
> torches, teeth, and pale beady eyes
This is incongruent with other descriptions of the trolls that suggest their eyes are black.

> Macintosh leaned lurchingly forward
If this adverb invention were even legitimate, it could not be used to describe leaning, unless he interrupted his lean-in with abrupt, short halts.

> her face calmly locked to the sightless soul fighting
By this you imply that Harmony is blind. Suggested: “unseen.”

> A mane of short violet stubble fluttered in purple manalight.
Stubble cannot flutter, because it is too short to significantly flex when exposed to air currents.

> crushed to anadorable pulp
The pulp would not be adorable.

> She raised a hand towards the dusty skull
Scootaloo, a winged pony, has no hands.
>> No. 92085

You are posting without a name, and your delivery of your criticism leads me to believe that you aren't one of the usual editors being a sneaky joker. So, either you're Short Skirts and Explosions in a self-depreciating mood, or some random guy who decided to deliver a few personal attacks disguised as "editing". I'm going to assume 'random guy' and work from there.

Where to begin?

While the majority of your points are valid, I'd like to note that there's no need to come across as the God of the Grammar Nazis or a jerk. It does nothing to assist your credibility.

'Sashay' is used multiple times, yes, but not all of said uses are implicitly incorrect. This also applies to 'saunter'.

'nubile' being used to describe land is not something unique to SS&E. While the term is classically used to describe women of marriageable age, it's also often used to describe land that is unmarred, unsullied, or pure. Dan O'Brien's book 'The Contract Surgeon' uses nubile to describe a physical location on page 187, and that's a published work edited by somebody that gets paid to do the job, not somebody that decided to become the Living Avatar of The Elements of Style, 5th Edition.

I agree with you on all stated cases of 'serrated' except the one describing the weather vane rooster. I assumed that the metal beak had corroded or become rough, and had assumed a serrated appearance. That is obviously an arguable point, though.

'Adorable pulp' is completely correct if the tone portrayed is humorous. Writers use incongruous description in published works all the time. Neil Gaiman or Terry Pratchett are good examples of this.

I'm not saying you are all wrong, sir, I'm simply stating that your presentation leaves much to be desired. Your criticism will be better received if you present it in a fashion that does not lead one to believe you're delivering ad hominem attacks against the writer, which would "display or suggest a lack of maturity; adolescent insecurity."

Finally - "It is uncanny how appropriate this adjective is - not in its place in the prose, but to describe the manner of sins revealed herein."

Oh, and " like a dog continually returning to its vomit"

Just had to throw those little punches in there, did we? It's things like that that will get your criticism ignored, even the valid points. You started out sarcastic and snarky ('eternity' becoming 'the next several weeks' was a favorite of mine) which is fun and encouraged, but that tone was lost completely on delivery of these two little personal attacks. It stopped being funny and became insulting.

"to perhaps do your prose credit, when in reality it turns it a shade of purple"

Lastly, calling SS&E's writing 'purple prose'. How dare you, sir! I'd like to see you do better, and apparently you feel that you can, directing such blatant attacks. If you feel the need to deliver insulting commentary and clever sleights, take your masturbatory intellect and self-aggrandizing wit elsewhere.

Good day, sir.
>> No. 92086
File 133233105507.jpg - (102.32KB , 642x362 , yugo15.jpg )

Whoa, everyone just calm the buck down. Poster above me, yes, it was indeed a bit harsh, but your reaction to it goes far beyond simple defense and into White Knight territory. Calm down, Mr. Wonka.


You on the other hand--I understand that a witty intro is indeed something a lot of people miss upon their first posting around these fields of /fic/, but you've really come across as a tiny bit overly pretentious in this regard. Sure, a lot of your points do hold merit, but unless you're blazing red with fury(can't see why, but who knows), this amount of snark shouldn't really be part of your approach.

Also, if you, the being with a million eyes, set out to thoroughly correct a fic of this magnitude, at least try to make sure you're not turning it into a science paper in the meantime. You were generally right on a couple of word choices, but I'd like to call foul on some nonetheless, especially this:

> This extends beyond an oxymoron (because it’s a double-oxymoron) and falls off the precipice of absurdity. It is nigh-impossible for a sane reader to make sense of this, because “placid” and “patient” directly conflict with “bubbled”, thus the confusion over whether her heart was at peace or “bubbly.”

No. That is not necessarily an error, unless you want to throw heaps of novels and poems out the window. That is (the name fails me, but I have 7 tests this week, bear with me) a stylistic device that works exactly this way: put entirely contrasting descriptions right next to each other, thus creating an odd clash. This has been in existence for quite a couple of decades(maybe even centuries now) and is not an error, unless you consider stylistic devices errors altogether.

All in all, snark is good, but you might want to reserve it for when someone either deserves or downright asks for it. Right now, this came off as just a bit too abrasive. And haven't even really read this story yet.
>> No. 92087

Ah, and a last point. Using Samuel Clemens's criticism of 'Deerslayer', from whence you garner your rule "Use The Right Word, Not It's Second Cousin", is genius, and yet another veiled insult. You glorious bastard you.

I think I could like you, if you didn't insist on insulting SS&E. I won't stand for that. Sit, maybe, but certainly not stand.
>> No. 92090

Oh wow.

Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

... You are good. Really, really good. I'm almost in awe of the level of veiled insults thrown here.
>> No. 92109
File 133234401572.png - (170.61KB , 894x894 , 131789087753.png )
Also, the image in the post is an animated screencapture from "A Scanner Darkly" when Charles Freck attempts suicide and the "creature from between dimensions" appears to him and reads him his sins "in shifts, ceaselessly throughout eternity."

That, and I believe you do not understand what "veiled insult" means as an expression. It refers to when someone makes a statement that is an insult, but worded in a way that conceals it in that it attempts to avoid making it be perceived as an insult (hence "veiled" and "insult"). >>92045 isn't "veiled insults" so much as it is an attempt at an in-character snark-fest.
>> No. 92247

>> No. 92267
File 133239257738.png - (165.28KB , 800x700 , Wut.png )
>> No. 92284

That 70's show.

"Good day, sir"
>> No. 92286
File 133239872256.jpg - (24.94KB , 302x345 , srsly.jpg )
No, no, you misunderstand me. I am merely confounded by how you concluded with such certainty that I'm the same person as >>92045.

Also, that line is not originally from "That 70's Show." It is from:
>> No. 92288
File 133240211539.gif - (1.41MB , 379x281 , VhMo2.gif )
>> No. 92289

I think I just really wanted to use the "I SAID GOOD DAY" line.

Also, Willy Wonka coined that? Awesome.
>> No. 92290

>> No. 92615
File 133254515410.png - (102.88KB , 851x815 , lyra_by_iamthegreatlyra-d4ewbgh.png )
Chapter 3: Somepony Who Earns

F'naaaa. I'm rusty. I can feel it. I'm just so friggin' glad a chapter's done, for what it's worth. It's about 70% new stuff, and a lot of major changes are obvious.

I still need to proofread the last few pages, but whatever. Just expect all of this to be uglier than usual... and that's asking a lot.

The story's kind of... I dunno... really melodramatic this time around, and it has an excruciatingly slow pace. Still, from what I'm planning, the plot is a hell of a lot more complicated, so maybe it's worth all of this setup. We'll see.

God, I'm hungry.
>> No. 92616
File 133254525936.jpg - (35.09KB , 600x478 , Love4.jpg )

You have outdone yourself. Go to McDonald's, get a happy meal and acquire a pony toy. You deserve it.
>> No. 92619
I'm sorry... you garner that in two minutes? Really?

But yeah, go eat a burger or something.
>> No. 92622
You don't need to hear about my problems. So I'm just gonna delete the big irrelevant thing I was gonna make noise about and let you know, expect me to skim through the mostly old chapter 2 and then thoroughly devour this here chapter 3 some time in the next, oh... three days.

Your story proves so many things are possible. I still have hope.
>> No. 92626
Must... find... reading time!
>> No. 92747
So I've only had time to read about half of HH1, but I've enjoyed it so far.

I'm posting to talk a bit about why I like this story's use of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (in some cases).

The End of Ponies is written in a very visual style that at times seems to be made up of camera angles. The first two sections of this chapter are prime examples of that – I can easily imagine an animated version of this where the first scene begins with a closeup of a "quivering orange hoof" and then shows Scoots's reflection. Similarly, I can easily imagine parts like
>Watching her flank, taking in the environment with frightful, darting eyes, the little pegasus did just that...
>The shaven filly saw a distant cloud of flame and plasma erupting several kilometers away where a giant moonrock had struck the Equestrian Valley far to the south.
being wide shots where most of what we see is the vast wasteland and Scootaloo is but a little orange dot.

And that's why the LUS works in those situations (in my opinion). We're supposed to regard this huge landscape, against which Scootaloo is not Scootaloo, but just a "little pegasus" or a "shaven filly" – she's too small (from our perspective) to be identifiable. This is the kind of LUS I like to see.

I also think LUS works nicely with this three-in-one character our protagonist is.

On another note:
This page was pretty sparse and sucky a few days ago; it still is, but marginally less so. I've made a start, but it can still be expanded. I'm sure most of you know this story far better than I do, so please check my facts (and wording). I'm thinking we should have sections dedicated to the story's time travel mechanics (immutability, Entropan avatars and anchors, basically) and the new Equestrian deities (I've always found those guys fascinating). I'll probably try to write those if no-one else does.
>> No. 92749
It's not called Lavender Unicorn Syndrome if it isn't some kind of debilitating disease.
>> No. 92920
I started reading chapter 3. As I go I'll make notes of anything that I notice in the way of mistakes or something that stands out as good.

(page 1)
>>strapped to a splintery wooden pole jolting out of the granite floor behind her.

Jutting, perhaps, instead of jolting?

(page 1)
>>Now, just beyond the ridge of white marble, the goblins were arguing over her fate. Scootaloo couldn't hear her words, nor did she want to.

I think you mean their?

>>Goblins never know when to quit, huh?” She grinned wide. Warden didn't. He cradled the strip of meat in his grasp like it was the last, precious flame in the Wasteland and slowly chewed at it.

Nice! Love it.

>>"I half-expected an iron suit of armor with flame-throwers."

I see what you did there. I lol'd.

(page 5)
>>She suddenly wonderful if she qualified as one.


>> “Besides, I can't eat it and look at your ears at the same time. It makes me feel funny.”


>>“Truth is, squirt, everypony's favorite lavender bore was the key to pulling Princess Luna free from that nasty, ink-black alicorn on the surface.”

Are you making a LUS joke? Heheh.

>>There was one exception: Suntrot's golden illustration hung in the center of the memorable mosaic. The filly's crayon streaks were jagged and juvenile, but they held more worth and sanctity than all of Princess Celestia's journal pages combined. Scootaloo bit her lip as she gazed deeply at the humble masterpiece.

Awesome. I love this whole passage.

(page 12)
>>This section of the Wasteland would have been utterly blinding, absolutely devoid of luminance

I don't think blinding is the correct word for something that is so dark. 'blinding' makes me think of bright lights. I don't have an alternative word suggestion, though. Perhaps you meant 'blind', which would go with the motif of darkness?

I love the entire description of Petra.

>>tumorous engineering

good description, gives the right feel, as well as a sort of visual identification to how the construction of Petra looks.

I'm stopping at page 15. What was changed reads better, and the pieces that remain are good. I'm looking forward to reading more of the chapter soon!
>> No. 93121
File 133274855125.jpg - (154.54KB , 862x927 , here_you_go__little_ones_by_bitter_knitter-d4srfh3.jpg )
After the wild flurry of activity that saw the initiation of Harmony's trip back, it begins as a long, slow gestation of emotion, character exploration and plot growth.

Then, pangs of tension begin as Dinky's life is at stake. It builds into a frantic crescendo of peril, urgency, frailty, madness, and pain, and the characters on whom the burden is placed must persevere. And then it's done, and the peaceful moments of the aftermath are as precious as the tangible thing(s) that the struggle produced.

Remarkably similar to childbirth. You marvelous genius bastard.
>> No. 93150
Skirts, I've been a bit busy this week; I'm sure you don't mind waiting, but I wanted to reassure you I haven't forgotten about looking over the revised chapter.

New trip because it's been repeatedly pointed out the last one was obvious.
>> No. 93168
That didn't even have to have been intentional what with spoilers happening all arc. It would follow pretty naturally that events would go like that. Did you cry? I cried.

I should be able to get back to reading/helping late (or perhaps laaaaaaaaaaaate) tonight. Any more that go up for the next week or so I should be able to get to as soon as I notice. LOTS of free time this week.
>> No. 93171
I think one of the most interesting things is reading the new chapters with the old ones still in memory. Being able to see where things have improved is always fun, but being able to see where things are just plain different is an adventure.
>> No. 93193
I got misty.

Seriously though, when you add it all up into a gestalt, it does look at least somewhat intentional. For starters, maternal care and instincts are a recurring motif everywhere. It wasn't the pacing and distribution of tension throughout the arc in themselves that stood out as being patterned after childbirth, so much as it was everything else that made me see the overall structure in the way that I did.

There were a host of subtle things here and there (maybe the irksome overuse/misuse of the word "porcelain" got in the way of me remembering them all). The ones I can remember well enough to articulate:

● Disapproving grandmother-to-be: Redgale believes Fluttershy is an unfit mother (caretaker/rescuer) for her child (the capricorn, or creatures in general). Fluttershy, with Harmony's encouragement, sets out to prove her wrong, and is told in the end (in a statement unrelated to the capricorn / her position as caretaker) that she would make an excellent mother.
● The labor pangs (Dinky further succumbing to madness) / rush to the hospital (cave): this was really, really obvious. The more time passed, the more painful and difficult it became, with Fluttershy growing fainter, Ditzy growing more anxious, and Harmony growing more impatient. It's as if they're all in labor, representing different psychological symptoms of going into labor.
● Scootaloo is both taught as a foal and re-taught as an adult that all life is precious and deserves kindness, even though life may perish; it is suggested that kindness, as an attribute of nature, is immutable/extends beyond time and is worth embodying for its own sake. In a Taoist sort of way, Fluttershy (or at least what she embodies) could be called the mother (caretaker) of all creatures, making sacrifices to preserve them. Let's see here... The Tao Kindness doesn't take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Tao Kindness gives birth to all beings, nourishes them, maintains them, cares for them, comforts them, protects them, takes them back to itself, creating without possessing, acting without expecting, guiding without interfering. That is why the love of The Tao kindness is in the very nature of things.
● Scootaloo is (re)born into a new perspective by the end of the arc, in a manner of speaking -- or at least, she has learned to be mother-like from her tribulations with Fluttershy.
● The whole psychedelic aspect of the arc with Dinky babbling, especially where Scootaloo momentary loses cohesion under the influence of the possessed Dinky could be taken as a representation of the viscous flurry of feelings, half-formed thoughts and spontaneous, nonsensical vocalizations that are the product of a brain in the early stages of development. It was also eerily reminiscent of the pre-born "abomination" state of consciousness from the Dune universe, with myriad voices that stretch back through the halls of time pressing on the embryonic mind and overpowering it. Gave me goosebumps, it did.
>> No. 93194
I'm not saying it was or wasn't intentional or that any of your observations aren't interesting.

I'm just saying that given the events taking place, yeah it's kinda natural that it would be structured like that. It didn't HAVE to be intentional to come across that way.

I'll be interested to see what you pull out of the Pinkie arc, whenever that happens. It's a doozy, in length and in content.
>> No. 93195
Thanks! Me too. First of that arc is really really long, so I may take my time getting through it. Wish I had more time for reading.

Also, I'd like to point out that I have little knowledge of childbirth or the experience thereof, so my statements about "psychological symptoms" were most likely inaccurate to a degree.
>> No. 93203
To quote a guy in this very chan:

"The meaning you infused into a story is a pointless exercise; just write what you feel is right for the story and let the crowd try to give meaning to the fact there was a crow in the scene, despite the fact you simply liked the bird."
>> No. 93204
I find that quote hilarious. One of the things that always got me was that english teachers would tend to over analyze stuff and be like, "This obviously means this", when in fact the author just felt like writing a story. XD
>> No. 93205
File 133280986995.jpg - (36.86KB , 302x283 , curtains.jpg )
>> No. 93206
That... that's what I mean XD
>> No. 93223
File 133281747061.png - (434.30KB , 1000x1392 , 68602 - angry angry_mareines angry_marines artist miketheuser ponyhammer Ponyhammer_40k rage spa.png )
Dangit, Filler, I posted that in the quotes thread an hour later and now it just looks like I was copying you >_>.
Also, saved.
>> No. 93238
herp a durr..... i have to reread the entire petra....... well if that means more reading then yay! although i'm not gonna lie i thought it was really good....... but if doing this and changing most of it somehow makes it better..... well i'm all for it!

also my EOP art contest just ended if yall would like to vote on one of the top 10 to be the winner please do so! http://typhlosionskingdom.deviantart.com/journal/poll/2733019/
>> No. 93272
That art is fabulous, and Short Skirts is probably going to be sputtering in awe. Or something. :D
>> No. 93315

Oh dear, that second place winner is kicking up a fuss. Don't give into her pressure. A vote is what was decided on, so let it fell where it will.
>> No. 93317

I just finished chapter 3.
While I miss Haman, the current structure that I see going up around the new characters and themes is very, very strong. I dare say, stronger than the previous 'Kaizo' edition.

Asides from my other notes I made on the first 15 pages, the only other major thing to note is that after the 'Geist Blood' clan is introduced by the Docking Bay Vulture Kevin, Scootaloo says that she shoud meet the 'Hex Blood Clan', which I assume no longer exists.

>> No. 93693
Old post baleeted because reasons and late o' clock.

Okay, finally went through and finished what's available.

Not only am I the worst writer, but I'm almost certainly the worst editor/helper monkey. Now I just need to go be a reviewer so I can have a shot at the triple-crown.

Comments are exactly where you expect them. This time around, the arc is much faster. That's probably a good thing, considering the ever-increasing arc-length issue where if the trend continued you would have one arc beating the entire LotR series by the end.

The new directions you're going work well, and the faster pace will very likely be an asset. I had no large problems here.

I do have SOME sort of concern regarding Scoot's valuation of goblins and differing/preferential treatment of some of them, but it's not a big deal and I can't even accurately voice it yet. Or now, 'cuz it's late.

Many apologies for the time it took me and the false claims that it'd be faster than it was. I had so much free time in my lap, but then a whole new pile of unexpected things came up. As of now, I'm in the clear and can't see anything that'd stop me from getting to the NEXT chapter promptly.

In the interim, I'mma go try to work on my own ludicrously slow moving projects and then get distracted by other things.
>> No. 93738
>>I do have SOME sort of concern regarding Scoot's valuation of goblins and differing/preferential treatment of some of them, but it's not a big deal and I can't even accurately voice it yet. Or now, 'cuz it's late.

I know what you mean. It did come across as odd a few times, but in a way I suppose it makes sense.

She picked up Warden because she sees herself in him, understands his situation in some way. Though it's not said outright, I've considered her treatment of other goblins as more of a return to her 'normal' (wasteland-style) lifestyle. Scootaloo knows she can't save everyone, so she walks by atrocities, rationailizes her reasons for looking the other way ('they're just goblins'), and fights the battles she can win (opening that hatch for the runaways). She takes solace in the small victories, but still doesn't believe that she, alone, can change anything about the society. If this re-written arc shares any of the themes of it's previous edition, that will change. But, at the moment, all Scoots is truly concerned about is finding Rainbow Dash, though she certainly does feel SOMETHING for the people of Petra.

This is all conjecture on my part, though. It's not said outright, but I think it's fair to try and interpret the character as you would any other character in a literary work.
>> No. 93739
I get that, and in the Warden case it makes a lot of sense. My problem comes from the other cases. This is still not exactly what I'm trying to say, but there are good-goblin and bad-goblin thoughts, and the circumstances that divide the two seem a little arbitrary.

I do like "fighting the battles she can win" though. That... I might have to look back and apply that. If it makes the choices look less random, it might work well to assuage my concerns.
>> No. 93765
File 133305354879.png - (120.68KB , 900x882 , vim_normal.png )
I must admit, I wasn't sure what to expect coming into this, but on the whole, I like what you've done. Aside from some more minor things I've mentioned in comments, there are a few things I'd like to elaborate on.

First of all, some of your names are a little... weird, for lack of a better term. Kevin the vulture? Vaughan the (apparently female) goblin? A few of these names could use reworking, since I kept thinking V was male due to her name.

On that note, you throw a lot of characters at us in this chapter, and it's difficult to keep track of them all. Matt's role I'm really liking, but most of the Desperadoes except V feel pretty interchangeable, and if they're half as important as I think they're going to be, this is very bad. It might be better to have only V and Rai show up for the Desperadoes. This would allow you to give the... other ones (I seriously can't even remember their names) more time in a later chapter to flesh out more fully. They could be making sure the safe room stayed secure, for example, while their leader and Rai play pointwomen.

I'm also really getting echoes of Dredgemane thematically and poltically (shut up, it's a word now). While this isn't a bad thing by any means, each arc should be breaking new ground and exploring new points, and I don't really see this arc doing much of that, save exploring how Scoots sees the rest of the Wasteland. What we have in Petra appears to be the classic “Somewhat fucked, but stable” represented by Geist Blood, and the “Uncertain change” represented by the Desperadoes. Sound familiar? It's the Council versus the Bivs all over again, at least to my eyes.

I think I mentioned this last time, but Rainbow Dash seeing loyalty as “lame” really, really bothers me. I don't think this note should be so much of a “dislike” as it is a lesser passion. Her love of the “awesome” far outstrips her desire to be loyal at times, but mostly her views seem summed up by her retort to Discord: “I'll always be loyal to the Princess!” Her characterization seems just a little off, but having that little bit with her in this chapter was just fine.

On the whole, good stuff. The usual grammar derps (of which I'm sure I didn't catch them all) and adverb abuse, but that's simple enough to fix. This is a stronger arc already.
>> No. 93868
File 133307461796.jpg - (622.63KB , 1000x1000 , 20452%20-%20artist_lkittytaill%20bedmane%20bed_head%20huh%20Lyra.jpg )
Chapter Four: Dead Worlds

So yeah. Seventy-two pages in about a week. I think I'm back.

Granted, it probably all sucks, and I'm sure my editors will bring up a few things (or a lot of things) that need to be changed about it. But, this is where the new version of Petra finds its place. When chapter 5 begins, we'll discover whole new plot devices that didn't exist in the previous version... for better or for worse.

I thank you marsupials for patiently waiting this stuff out. I thank you editors for dealing with all of my horribly atrocious butcheries of the English language. I thank you invisible Internet snarks for reminding me that I don't have a life. And I thank air conditioning for reminding me how much I need to take a shower... and then eat something.

F'naa. Comments in the document.
>> No. 93885
Cheer up and relish the fan art. Look a few posts above for the link to the DA competition (yes, an EoP fan art competition was held recently).
>> No. 93887
He knows actually, he had to scold the organizer of that for posting it in the Fallout Equestria deviantart group.
>> No. 93888
Damn. Be proud, good sir! That is quite a clip to be writing at. Now, enjoy as much of a break as you can manage before the need to write overtakes you again.
>> No. 93894
I know he knows, but has he seen the *results* of that yet?
>> No. 93945

Hey, you said you're always having trouble coming up with chapter titles?
If you need help I could always throw in a few. I'm pretty good at that.
>> No. 93950
Damn man, why did this chapter have to end? :(
>> No. 93989
I was listening to inappropriately cheerful music as I hit the end of the chapter. Now I am torn between Laughing like a loon and stabbing someone.

Good Work!
>> No. 94019
File 133314082348.png - (424.08KB , 700x713 , Dj-+-Brohoof.png )
Alright, I finally got around to speed reading...
>And I mean speed, so I probably missed a ton
>Also, dat cliffhanger
...and I must say this feels much more solid than the previous version. I kinda miss the innocence of the first Petra, but this one flows much better. Even though it still has the surprise action sequences, they feel better placed.

Good job.
>> No. 94384
File 133325301178.png - (856.47KB , 1408x891 , Reading them.png )
In this “Fluttershy” arc, another word is abused: porcelain. In the entirety of the arc, it is used in only one place to describe something other than Fluttershy: the rabbit figurine which fell to the floor and shattered. It would be counterproductive to the portrayal of Fluttershy as living, soft and kind to use this word to describe her, even if you intended to convey in this that she was fragile and the cataclysm destroyed her. You have ignored, at your peril, the meaning and connotation of “porcelain”: cold, hard, brittle, and lifeless. Geisha dolls are made with porcelain. Tea sets are made of porcelain. Porcelain figurines deign to emulate life by their life-like shapes. This is not how you intended to portray Fluttershy.

Chapter 11
Saunters: 5; Sashays: 1; Nakeds: 4; Serrateds: 5; Obsidians: 10;
> flung across the globe under the howl of comet-hot friction.
A mercy shall be granted. It is destiny that you receive a superior adjective to the compound modifier you use here to describe the friction. It is far more fitting, considering how comets are made of ice. The word is: meteoric.

> In an Age where all that was green was dead, far darker and malevolent things grew from the festering pits of the earth
Considering how this compound adjective was begun as a comparative, it would make sense for that to apply to the entire modifying phrase; far darker and more malevolent things.

> And at the very bottom of this last list, centered with starkingpeculiarity, were two names joined in stone as they had been joined in life
This is a cut-and-dried editing error. “Stark peculiarity”.

> She stared stonily at Fluttershy's winged backside.
“Backside” is most commonly used as a colloquial term for buttocks.

> It had a wilting voice, soft and golden
Another mercy shall be granted, because Your word, which rhymes with the adjective in use, is: lilting.

> There were thin shapes, hollow shapes, breathless and bloodless shapes that rolled like paper leaves against the white blemish of the obscured Briar before suddenly producing hundreds of squirming fingers and shooting off into the penumbra of madness at the speed of light.
The sin again has been committed of lying to the reader about the color of the briar. The briar has been described as “blacker-than-black,” so that it would be a “white blemish” is inconceivable.

> It had a wilting voice, soft and golden
The voice of Fluttershy would not be wilting unless it were sad and/or frightened. That is because you have used this word, as a verb, adverb and adjective, to denote fear and helplessness.

Chapter 12
Saunters: 4; Sashays: 3
> It wasn't until after Scootaloo's eyes dilated into pinpricks that she realized it was her own.
Misuse of the word dilation to mean exactly the opposite of its true definition, which is to widen.

> emptiness of the rumbling gray world outside
This passage refers to a memory from Scootaloo’s childhood, before the cataclysm. That the world would be gray from rain is no wrong, but that the world would be empty is.

> But none of that mattered, because she was there... and her nubile ears still rang with the golden hum of an angelic voice.

> burrowed an inflammable itch into the last pony's nose
Assuming that the reader would be able to infer what abstract meaning you intended to convey through the use of such a non-sequitur adjective. It has been said that words are cheap, but your shameless excess in regard to such adjectives that add little meaning is a waste of keystrokes nonetheless.

> “Dinky!” Fluttershy breathlessly squeaked, her blue pupils dilating to pinpricks.
The same sin, again.

> a Zebra from the Northeastern desertsmI've begun keeping a record
This is another editing error that must be reckoned.

> The first day I houseat the pet

> then gazed over at the nubile unicorn

Chapter 13
Saunters: 3; Wilts: 10; Porcelains: 9
In this chapter, in addition to “porcelain”, you abuse the term platinum twice. Platinum is a brilliant pale white metal, but it is used to describe Fluttershy, who as opposed to being brilliant white, is a humble and soft yellow that glows nonetheless, albeit without the cold intensity of platinum.

> A few stray hairs escaped the mahogany cascade of her amber-streaked mane
Mahogany, as a color, is not black, nor is it amber. It is a deep reddish-brown.

> Her platinum wings remained locked in porcelain imprisonment, an unnatural stranger to clouds.

> Fluttershy's face smiled like living platinum in the dancing kiss of the warm fireplace.

> the same blasé conclusions about herself that an apathetic hovel of ponydom had flippantly and lazily stapled upon the hapless filly
The demons taunt you: That an apathetic hut of ponydom had flippantly and lazily stapled...
Misuse of the word “hovel”. It does not mean what you want it to mean, it means a small, humble dwelling place.

> her yellow coat inflated and deflated, preserving a warm porcelain breath

> Fluttershy, in immortal slumber, her limbs heavenly devoid
At your peril, you detrimentally (to the theme of life being temporal, fragile, passing and doomed to end) that you use the word “immortal” to describe her slumber.

> bathing half of the room in the soft chirps of eternal crickets
You shall not use the name of infinity in vain. The concept of infinity is one of ineffable power, insofar as it adorns Harmony’s flank, being indicative of the very goddess of time.

> self-imposed foaldays of starving across the shadowed hovels of Ponyville
“Starving in the shadows of Ponyville” would convey exactly the intended meaning, yet you pass it by. Simplicity’s words are silver. She cries from the rooftops to be heard.

> “'Captain Redgale',” Fluttershy meekly corrected for the infinitieth time.
You shall not use the name of infinity in vain.

> It took Fluttershy's porcelain presence to once more summon warmth into the empty room.
The demons taunt you once more: It took Fluttershy’s Geisha doll presence to once more summon warmth into the empty room.

> the finishing touches onto the stonily augmented telescope
Compound modifier. Requires a hyphen.

> Fluttershy left the delightful warmth of the fireplace to scampered wetly after the foal.
Inconsistent tense.

> Fluttershy had descended into a porcelain slump beside the fireplace.
Fluttershy had descended into a Geisha doll slump beside the fireplace.

> Nevertheless, the hulking cosmic entity breathed slightly easier under the porcelain touch of the graceful animal tamer.
Nevertheless, the hulking cosmic entity breathed slightly easier under the teapot touch of the graceful animal tamer.

> Her hand gently stroked the white mane of the twitching creature.

> And yet this shadow followed her, echoed her on every shadowed sojourn into the abandoned hovels of Ponyville
The homes of Ponyville weren’t all hovels; some were generously-sized. They also hadn’t been abandoned, they had been desolated.
>> No. 94386
File 133325310043.png - (767.78KB , 1011x892 , Continuing to read them.png )
Chapter 14
Wiltings: 6; Saunters: 3; Pathetics: 5

> blacker than black sea of thorns
A compound modifier requires hyphens.

> a Sun-filtered miasma of green haze was gradually replaced with a deep emerald shadow
The sun is not what performed the filtering, but the haze. A sun-illuminated miasma of green haze is what they left behind them, as they went deeper into the Everfree Forest.

> She dug a hoof into the pathetic earth and growled,

The earth was certainly not pathetic. Non-subjective adjectives that describe its consistency would be far more appropriate.

> A hiccup, a low breathy inhale, and she reopened them and gazed everywhere through a sudden cascade of yellow tears.
You have described Ditzy’s tears as if they were urine. You must rectify this by transforming “yellow” into “yellow-eyed”.

> Something yellow and porcelain stirred fitfully behind her.
Something yellow and vase-like stirred fitfully behind her.

Chapter 15
Saunters: 3
> they shuffled deeper and deeper into the bushy hovel of nature
You have sinned against your own will to portray the Everfree Forest as large. It is hence suggested that you use the word cathedral or the like to describe it.

> She tilted her head up and saw in the noonlight the silhouette of a sunset-colored pegasus with ruby eyes smiling down at her.

> With a drastic gulp, Ditzy leaned against the serrated mouth of the rocky cave and howled into the opening
Serrated, being applied to saws and blades, is less enchanting when used to describe a crystal-studded surface. Jagged and crystalline are what would enhance the imagery here.

> that surrounded the nubile creature

> Something stirred underneath her cheeks, but the smile was still there, an immortal porcelain.
You shall not use the name of infinity in vain. Here you combine it with a word that can only be immortal by the mere fact that it is a LIFELESS, INERT SUBSTANCE with no expiration date. It is certainly not what you wished to convey.

> A slight giggle escaped the filly's porcelain lips.
Her lips would be soft and supple, which “porcelain” cannot describe.

> She had returned to this nightmare hovel
>> No. 94394
File 133325397388.jpg - (160.63KB , 791x1179 , luZlL.jpg )
I am not sure if he cares about the story enough to exercise tough love, or if he hates it so much that he's willing to go through its tens of thousands of words to find points of contention.
Either way, it's admirable, in a sort of crazed way. I can only hope I manage to earn myself a follower like him, should I ever write anything of decent length.
>> No. 94421

>> No. 94426
File 133325917862.png - (2.02MB , 1024x2632 , mlp_contest_entry_by_sakuyamon-d4t6nj0.png )
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bkg5In4SbGs&t=1m4s
> "With yer head fulla eyeballs!"

How is it you manage to find YouTube videos with relevant quotes in them? I remember when we were editing Chapter 4, you responded to me pointing out a sentence fragment with a link to an MST3K episode...
Seriously, how do you do it. I want that superpower too!

That was fun.
>> No. 94431

>> No. 94438
File 133326291497.png - (152.73KB , 400x389 , Monk-lurk.png )
Hm... That one's a little more cryptic. Not sure if mad.

Did you perchance get the email I sent you (to [email protected]) on the 25th? I'm just curious if that's what spurred you to come back and post, or if you arrived at the conclusion on your own. Pretty obvious though, wasn't it?
>> No. 94441
File 133326386406.gif - (56.04KB , 350x300 , 133028903961.gif )
>Wasn't important enough to be linked
>> No. 94450

Nah, I got your e-mail. I'm not smart enough to figure that stuff out on my own.

If Mr. Eyeballs' comments were related to my current drafts, then I might be more swift to pay heed to them. I don't think the Fluttershy arc deserves being rewritten at this point. F'naa.
>> No. 94575
Finished 4. Overall, excellent. Comments where you expect.

Points of PARTICULAR excellence:
Present day Matthias.
Some very nice use of foreshadowy hinty things. Just the right level of obvious-in-retrospect going on, but quite possible to not see until you're hit. Of course I saw it all smugsmugsmug.

Points of concern:
Still a little unsure on the exact magnitude of goblin-good vs goblin-bad and when and where she swings between the two. This is relatively minor, but it is persistent.
At the end of the last arc, I said something about worrying that she was done growing. Scoots' emotional development felt neatly wrapped up and finished. Here, it feels like we're retreading old ground. We aren't, because the things she's thinking about and struggling with are different. But they're presented in much the same way, and it feels a little too familiar. This... this could be said a lot better. I'm bad at words. I can't properly explain what my issue is here, nor can I offer any useful suggestions. Hopefully my vague problem statement is able to highlight the right stuff so that someone who knows what they're talking about can tell you it's fine.
>> No. 94583
I SAID GOOD D- ah, screw it.

It's a mystery!
>> No. 94826
Finished chapter 4.

Minor spoilers ahead for those that haven't read chapter 4!

My biggest concern with the 'Kaizo' edition of the previous version of the Petra arc was that Scoots makes her way through several action sequences relatively unscathed. Almost like the Entropa-based powers had started transferring over to her. She'd take some hits, but it'd seem like she'd end up sort of dusting herself off and shrugging off any injuries she would sustain.

Scootaloo feels vulnerable, here. She goes through a gunfight and takes a few hits, and by the end of the chapter we're really remembering 'oh, yeah, she's not invulnerable here.' And that makes the action sequences far more tense and interesting. A character that walks through a fight mostly undamaged is less interesting and less relatable than one that feels mortal and fragile.

I'm not saying Scootaloo needs to nearly tear her wings off EVERY fight. I'm just saying that having her get hurt makes her a more well written character.
>> No. 94886
File 133342486125.png - (91.75KB , 900x565 , vim_tired.png )
Okay, Skirts. Grammar marked in comments.

I have... I have a large problem here. You're treading water here. This feels almost exactly like Dredgemane in terms of conflict. Scootaloo just happens to start on the side of “good” this time rather than “evil.” You need something here, or this whole damn arc will feel like filler. This is starting to feel a little too formulaic for my tastes; it's become the Fetch Quest Formula to some extent.

Hero needs to get X from Town Y!
Town Y has a problem that prevents Hero from getting X.
Hero solves Town Y's problems.
X is achieved!

I know you're showing us more of the wasteland, but this is starting to feel like a series of stalling actions because you're afraid to write the Rainbow Dash arc. I don't know how this can be fixed, but it's starting to get stale. What is the point of this arc beyond “Scoots gets RD's remains?”

I am unable to answer that question, and to be honest, I'm unconvinced you know the answer yourself. I'd be pleased as punch to be proven wrong, but this arc feels like it's adrift without a paddle, as it were.

On to another issue: Scootaloo's actions in the slave pens. I don't... I don't even know what to say. She goes in and only rescues Wart? How can she have a straight face when she talks about hope when she doesn't give a shit about anyone she lacks a personal connection to? It's a nice moment of antiheroism and it sets up the resolution to the issue, but... if you're serious about sticking with these actions for her, this needs much, much more explanation. This hits on Worst's issue of her attitudes towards goblins. If it had been clearer earlier that she didn't give a damn about any goblin ever, then this would feel better, but her treatment of Warden shows that if the problem has a face, she'll help. I really don't... just like before, I don't know how to fix this. It feels out of character and forced for her. Needs more foreshadowing.

However, I liked what came after her illogical action, and there are some dropped lines that support my prediction for the story's ending. This just needs strengthening in a few areas. They're major areas, yes, but at least this story isn't entirely removable.

Keep writing.
>> No. 94897
Here is the question. What if she got what she needed early on yet messed something up that even she, with her nonconcern for goblins, couldn't ignore? Then again, that would possibly require someone else be there to call her out on her actions. After all, she is a walking tank as described in the story with or without invulnerability so one could think that if she really tried it wouldn't take too much effort to sneak down to the pits then blast her way out. I assume they are open to the sky, and goblins don't really have any experience with Pegasi sneaking through ash clouds...

That would require yet another reworking though...Hrmmmmm...
>> No. 94908

I guess the biggest difference between this arc's HHH edition and the Kaizo edition is that in the Kaizo edition, all of Scootaloo's actions were motivated by 'getting one step closer to retrieving RD's ashes'. That's definitely not evident at the moment. Scoots has been snubbed at every turn, and she's ready to leave and be done with Petra, until she can figure out a better plan for getting RD's body.
The initial motivation that was there is gone. Scootaloo worked towards getting RD's remains. She failed. The only thing keeping her there, now, is Warden. That seems to be wrapping up, and now it's uncertain where the arc is heading.

As for Scootaloo's actions in the slave pens - she's not an idiot. She knew that she might not walk out of there alive, and the fact that she went back for Warden at all is a big character change. Turning her backs on the rest of the slaves, though? That's realistic.
She knew she couldn't demand the release of all the slaves. She didn't even have a full plan when she went in for Warden, and she knew she was getting him out on a technicality. The fact is, if Scootaloo had demanded all the slave goblins be released, Matthias would have laughed in her face and had her shot. That should be obvious. There's no way they would let her walk out with the rest of the slaves, and even the fact that she got away with Warden is amazing.

I think that showing more internal turmoil at the choice to only rescue Warden would be a good thing for clarifying that moment, but it's still in the same line of thought: Scootaloo fights the battles she can win, rationalizes her choices as best she can, and lives to fight another day.
Her actions are not the actions of an anti-hero. They're the actions of a hero with no choices left to her except to save who she can.
As to how she acts - she's playing her part. She plays off not caring about the slaves, and does what she needs to do, says what she needs to say, to get Warden out.
>> No. 94909
I agree that showing a bit more of the thought process that brought her there would help.

I'm well aware that she can't save them all right then and there, but it comes off as somewhat cold and heartless the way it's presented now. This feeds back into my problem with the treatment of different goblins at different times. Nothing she's done didn't make sense if you think about it, but a lot of it is presented at face value and makes her look callous toward goblins. That's not necessarily a problem, except that then the times when she ISN'T are a little jarring and not quite fully explained.

I still don't feel like I've correctly presented what I think the issue is. Hopefully enough of an understanding comes across though that it can be properly dealt with and/or dismissed.
>> No. 94912
File 133344316865.jpg - (1.67MB , 2596x1717 , 152913%20-%20artist_furor1%20insomnia%20Lyra%20messy_mane%20sleepy%20tired.jpg )

I'm kind of half-awake and angry at myself right now. But...

I'm thinking about keeping what's already written in the last chapter mostly the same, only after talking to Kevin, Scoots will have a moment of hesitation where she heads back to the Harmony and is quite visibly conflicted with the information she's just learned... as if she's struggling to compartmentalize Warden with the rest of the goblins that she's insensitive to. After such struggle, THEN she heads for Strut Twenty, finds him missing, and decides to go to Geist Blood.

She battles a bunch of goblins, just like I've written. She points a gun at Fredden, just like I've written. But--before she pulls the "I branded my slave" trick, either she contemplates freeing the goblins or Warden brings it up or something to suggest that she briefly thinks about it, but obviously can't given the circumstance.

Then, in the elevator sequence that follows, the argument between her and Warden isn't entirely resolved. I could see Warden asking her why she saved just him and no other imp, and she exclaims that "It's impossible"--but in saying the word "impossible," it brings up memories of Rainbow Dash's undaunted bravery, and Scootaloo awakens to her own hypocritical insensitivity in going so far as to save Warden only. In the middle of this epiphany, Geist Blood attacks, and we end the chapter with both Scootaloo's fate AND her motivations unresolved.

To reinforce this, I could go back through chapters 3 and 4 and attempt to thread a reinforced theme of "doing the impossible," while at the same time ironing out her utter callousness to all imps besides Warden. I think it deserves proper analysis: her cold-heartedness in the Wasteland. She's been known to be relatively pleasant and sensitive during her time jumps, but with the creatures of the Wasteland, she acts differently. Why? And why is she kind to Warden? To explain the latter, I believe it's because she sees a bit of herself in him--so it's a relatively selfish act on her part to preserve him while not giving a crap about the other slaves/souls of Petra.

Whatever the case, I think Chapters 3 and 4 need to be tackled in this area before I can move on to 5 (which I've done about 19 pages of so far, but kind of suck... now that I think about it.)

Gawd... when is this going to be posted? In June?

>> No. 94913
Sounds great. I think that will fix my vague and nebulous goblin problem nicely.

I agree/already see the reasons for the Warden treatment, and just putting a little more into the other goblins and planting herself firmly on the GOBLINS SUCK GAWD side of the fence should make the rest easy.

And in a glorious two birds one stone kinda thing, that should weaken my other problem as well. If she's uncertain about her motivations and slightly conflicted about how she should be treating the goblins (but... they're GOBLINS, why would they deserve happiness?) then the texture of her development changes as well and we're not mirroring the Dredgemane curve as closely.

So yes. Do eet. I think I'd be ready to stamp off these chapters after that.
>> No. 94914
A little more written internal conflict and some straightening-out of motives sounds like exactly what the doctor ordered. These changes appear to be sound choices for additions and clarification, as well.

Also, the phrase 'do the impossible' makes me have flashbacks of Gurren Lagann. I can see Scootaloo facing down Matthias and saying "Who the hell do you think I am?" far too well.

"I'm going to tell you something important now, so you better dig the wax out of those huge ears of yours, and listen! The reputation of Team Glue Stick echoes far and wide... When they talk about its bad ass leader, the pony of indomitable spirit and awesomeness, they're talking about me! The Mighty Scootaloo!"

Oh god, why does it fit so well?
(Probably because it's nearly 3AM.)
>> No. 94919
File 133344976449.jpg - (153.09KB , 1600x900 , reading_rainbow_by_equestria_prevails-d4oouc1.jpg )
Bleh. slowest editor being slow. I blame my being sick and the general feeling of not wanting to do anything. Hopefully I'll finish 3 within the next 24 hours, but I just don't know for sure. On that note, I really should finish that email I was going to send to all the audio-book people about 2 weeks ago... Yeah, maybe I'll get some of that stuff done.
>Pic because I feel like Twilight. Who wants to be my Rainbow Dash? Oh wait, I'm the one that's supposed to be doing the reading aloud.
>> No. 95041

Got to agree with Vimbert on Petra feeling a bit like a rewrite of Dredgemane.
>Hero needs to get X from Town Y!
>Town Y has a problem that prevents Hero from getting X.
>Hero solves Town Y's problems.
>X is achieved!

However, if I may provide a suggestion, add another scenario into the mix that promises Scootaloo instant and secure access to the mines, yet at the cost of Wart/Wart's Family or something that she could easily due without yet can't give up.
It'd also help draw out the Loyalty aspect more.
>> No. 95088
Finished 3 and I'll put some extra thoughts here. I'll move onto 4 over the next couple of days (hopefully today and tomorrow is all I'm going to need.) Anyways, HHH3:

Most comments where you'd expect them, word order, a couple other tidbits. Despite Vimbert's assertion, I've got a good feel for Murk already, it's Bard that feels rather shoehorned for me. I had to work a bit to remember his name. Really though, it's hard for me to get their flavor since they've had so little time "on-screen" as it were. But I like how things are going at the moment.

Half-lings vs. halflings. I just want to note that in LOTR, it's halflings. Of course, that also describes hobbits instead of goblins. But I really want to convince you to use the latter instead of the former.

Really liking (hating) new Matthias. He's quite suitably evil.

Despite the way others have been getting a lot of Dredgemane feel to this, I think you can take it an entirely different way. (so far) There's no way Scootaloo can possibly hope to make a change on goblin society, and I have no clue how much the Desperadoes hope to do themselves. It's a pretty hopeless cause all things considered. All Scoot really needs to do is find a way past whatever control Matt has over the pits and get RD's remains and get out. She doesn't have to solve all of Petra's problems, nor should she. (At least in her current state of mind not really caring for goblins.) If she can come up with an "easy" solution she needs to try to take it.

Of course at the end of 3 all I've really got is the setup for the situation, but I can imagine a whole host of ways you can exploit it for all kinds of different effects. It all depends on what kind of attitude you need Scoot to have at the end of the arc. There's no need to make this into anything even close to a fetch quest even though it has some of the trappings already. As a certain wizard once said, "Don't think of the problem, think of the solution."
>> No. 95109

And the quote is backwards, I am quite certain.

Additionally, it is halfling, not half-ling, ling is a suffix in this situation, unless you are saying they are all half-fish.

So yeah, no convincing in that regard; I might not be as caught by this thing as the other guys, but silly things like this are kinda grating.
>> No. 95153
Well, we can't catch everything. I knew "half-ling" looked wrong, but I couldn't articulate why. Thanks, anon.
>> No. 95192
I doubt there is anyone here who could catch everything (I don't think professionally trained editors and writers are something we have here to be honest) so I'm pointing out what I know for a fact (because someone already corrected me once for it and did this long explanation about it...).

Just keep on working chaps.
>> No. 95624
File 133376537927.png - (166.88KB , 1014x788 , scootaloo_looks_worried_by_zapapplejam-d4rz678.png )
Can anyone tell me the qualification of a 6 star story on EQD? I've been following EOP since the first arc came out, and for the life of me I still cannot fathom why it lacks a 6 star rating there, while other works with for less content, far less quality, and far lower ratings have somehow made the cut...

I say this because so many people filter for the 6 star content, and this definitely deserves to be listed among the best. My recollection tells me that something like a 4.9 star rating is what's needed, but if that's true, who do I direct myself at to have this remedied? =P

That aside, I just wanted to say I've read my fair share of novels and epics, and this is hands down one of the greatest, most intriguing stories I've ever read. Thank you SSE for this, and if you ever find a way around those pesky copyright laws and get these in print, I would buy it up in a heartbeat.
>> No. 95627
File 133376581601.png - (291.52KB , 803x711 , 131763541096.png )
I have in no way used certain connections to make this happen more quickly.
>> No. 95633
Question: does it have the necessary rating?

Because I think the pre-readers and blog ponies should have learned by now that calling something that it isn't only causes trouble.
>> No. 95636
File 133376753110.png - (6.09KB , 248x110 , eop6star.png )
AND HOLY COW IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE!!! You work fast haha! ^_^

You are awesome Vimbert! Thanks as well to you, Warden, and TheWorstWriter for all your work on polishing this thing up, and making me have to redownload every chapter after the full release haha =)

Keep up the good work!

Definitely some truth to that; I can't claim unbias, which is why I asked about the qualification. Being that it was changed however, I assume my understanding of the 4.9 star minimum deal was correct?
>> No. 95641
It did have the required rating. In fact, the blogpony was actually astonished that the story didn't already have a 6 star tag.
>> No. 95643
Good thing it finally happened!

Just saying because everytime a story gets a higher rating than it's supposed to people give shit over it, so, better save than sorry.
>> No. 95653
File 133377526337.jpg - (5.93KB , 223x199 , 21014%20-%20Lyra.jpg )

>> No. 95656
File 133377607211.gif - (524.29KB , 366x341 , 130759858329.gif )
You fought your way up from 4.7 stars. I don't actually know, but There have probably been only a single digit of other fics that went up to a 4.9 as chapters were released, and that's probably a generous guess. Congratulations.
>> No. 95659
File 133377687158.jpg - (18.52KB , 420x400 , Ken_Snyder_-_By_Request_Only.jpg )
It was supposed to happen weeks months ago anyway. The criteria are 4.9 stars and >100 votes. End of Ponies has had both for Consus knows how long.

Funny it (apparently) took people requesting it. It sorta hints at how the whole six star assignment thingy is human-controlled and not automatic.
>> No. 95720
Yeah, the blog doesn't actually support 6 star to my knowledge, so a long time ago they said that when a story met the requirements to let them know and they would bump it up.
>> No. 95797
like a boss
>> No. 95933
File 133388146497.jpg - (159.37KB , 751x1064 , the_stars_will_aid_in_her_escape_by_iopichio-d4uci3o.jpg )
Finally finished 4, and re-reading through the comments about the chapter. I find myself agreeing with almost all of the criticism so far, but I'm heartened that you seem to have a plan to resolve some of the issues already. We've got the core issue isolated now, we just have to solve it and I can see Petra 2.0 coming along at your regular rapid pace again soon. Enjoy the Lyra diversion though, who knows, maybe it'll inflate some more interest in EoP too. ^.^
>> No. 96503
I've decided to manifest a little Petra of my own in Minecraft. I'm having trouble deciding on how to make the 'struts' around the central stalk. Circular array looks neat, but I've seen illustrations show the struts differently, in a more square assembly. Any thoughts? I'll post a picture once I have something more to look at than a massive crater with an iron tower in the middle of it.
>> No. 96532
File 133416680004.jpg - (1.50MB , 1914x1017 , End_minecraft.jpg )
Man, I had the exact same thought the other day (though I was considering it as a long term project to eventually add more of the wastelands as time went on). A modified world placed in the End seems like it would have the perfect setting, given that it's in a perpetual state of twilight. Still, seems like quite the endeavour =)
>> No. 96544
File 133417040840.jpg - (116.24KB , 1024x768 , Petra Test 1.jpg )
Yeah, uh, it's big. Bottom of the map to the top of the skybox.

The current configuration is shown - circular platforms arrayed around the central 'stalk'. This configuration looks neat, and allows for building room, but I can only fit 15 'struts' into the structure. I could finagle maybe 5 more into the setup, bringing the total up to 20, which is close.
If I did flat, square platforms radiating out from the stalk, I could easily fit 27 or so struts into the structure, but there would be less build room, so it's a toss up.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
>> No. 96589
File 133419238919.jpg - (161.97KB , 1025x768 , Petra Test 2 - 27 strut.jpg )
Also, if anybody was wondering, I could make a 35 strut platform, but the configuration would be... odd. The structure already reaches from the top of the map to the bottom, but if I decreased the amount of space between each strut, I could make the 35 struts, they'd just be a bit squeezed for headroom...

Here's the current iteration. 27 struts. Each strut is 30x50, and 4 blocks thick, with thirty blocks of 'headroom' for building and so forth. Why four blocks thick? Because I thought it would be neat to be able to include a sewer system and infrastructure inside of each strut, with water and lava pouring out holes in the edges of the struts.

There will be additional construction around the edges of the struts, connecting them and so forth into a more credible looking structure. This thing is already massive and crazy, and I haven't even really started building anything ON the struts yet, Gultophine help me.

To make this beast have enough room for about 34 struts, I could decrease the space between each set of struts to 25 or so. A little smaller, but then we're basically at the correct number of struts to be 'story-correct'.

Whew, I'm glad I'm not building this superstructure by hand.
>> No. 96612

Got a picture during a snow storm. Damn that looks nice! 34 struts, all connected, with outer support structure. This is the superstructure. Petra's buildings will be stuck all over this, sticking out at all angles and anywhere I can find to stick a structure. The easy part is done! I'm going to start building structures by hand, now.

The enormity of this project kind of just set in. This is gonna be a while.

I think that once there's more to look at, I'll turn this into a multiplayer level and get assistance with building the rest of this crazy beast, and offer some tours of the slowly manifesting Petra. I think building the first four struts is my first priority, and giving a little extra attention to Strut 7 , with a hanger with the Harmony docked inside/alongside it. Right now, it's rather dark, but with some lava flowing along the insides of this beast and more lights, it'll look pretty spectacular.
>> No. 96613
File 133420074332.jpg - (181.97KB , 1025x768 , Petra Test 3 - 34 Strut ash storm.jpg )
Here's that picture!
>> No. 96615
File 133420119682.jpg - (194.23KB , 1025x768 , Petra Test 3 - 34 Strut ash storm day.jpg )
And a shot during the day.
>> No. 96629
Would you be so kind as to sage any further posts of your minecraft project until it's completely finished? Possibly even then. If you're unaware of how to sage a post, it's done by replacing your email with the word: sage exactly as it appears here.
Thank you.
>> No. 96642
Whoops, thank you for reminding me, good sir anon!
>> No. 97515
File 133466909324.png - (1.17MB , 1920x1080 , Lastpony.png )
Have another fanart, SSE.

Other folks: let me touch on something briefly. I'm one of those FoE-fans that's pretty well ensconced in that community. And the "announcing the EoP contest in Fallout: Equestria spaces... and very visibly claiming EoP is better" turned me off of it. Simply put, there's a lot of folks that read FoE for a general post-apoc setting that would really warm to EoP. And a lot of them create a /lot/ of fanworks, so why go out of your way to alienate them?

However, the lure of "FoE, but with more complicated diction" was too much for me to resist. Fifty pages in, enjoying it mightily. Yes, there is adverb saturation and the occasional bit of figurative language that falls flat for me, but overall it's excellent.

And there is enough room for two (or three, depending on if you consider Project Horizons separately, since it's outgrown the original story) good post-apoc settings. So... don't suppose we could all get along?
>> No. 97519
As someone who once made the "EoP is better" claim, let me apologise for myself. I thoroughly enjoy both stories, and having a war would be silly.


Give this thread a skim if you find yourself with some time. There was quite a bit of back and forth about EoP vs FoE in some of the earlier posts.

Anyone want to compare it to <i>My Little Metro</i> or <i>To Set Right</i> as well? Or maybe the other popular grimdark Scootaloo fic, <i>Rainbow Factory</i>?
>> No. 97521

Thanks, but I think I'll give the discussion a pass -- I hope to enjoy both for their own reasons (much like I enjoy FoE and PH for distinct reasons, and try not to rank one above the other) -- and would rather not tempt myself with white knight-ing for FoE.

But, I'm glad to see that seems to have died down. And should add that I've had about 4 FoE fans ask me how I've liked EoP since they found out I've started it (which was... Monday morning or so). There's plenty of curiosity there, and hopefully some of them will pick this one up, too.

So, hopefully this'll be the last I derail about those other fics.
>> No. 97529
I gots an idea. When this thread auto sages, ss&e makes an author compilation thread, since EoP is no longer his only notable work and he's a word beast who can practically belch prose in his sleep (does he get any?)
>> No. 97532
I don't recall where, but the author posted "I wish you hadn't done that" in response to learning about the organizer of the art contest promoting in FoE spaces.
>> No. 97543
If I recall correctly, that enraged the samurai enough he berated everything and everyone 'bout it. That was weird to watch.

As for which one is best, I think we can all agree spiderses is the best.
>> No. 97568
File 133468880623.gif - (651.68KB , 256x144 , rainbowdash lol.gif )
>> enraged the samurai

I'm going to put this phrase to use.
>> No. 97584
File 133469588621.jpg - (261.48KB , 680x680 , 164769%20-%20blindfold%20Lyra.jpg )

Awesome speed art, dear sir or madame. I've seen it on Deviantart (I stalk there occasionally), and I'm flattered as always. Most of all, I hope you're enjoying my (not so) little train wreck, in spite of all of its flaws and Stanley Kubrickisms.

As for the FoE kerfluffle, I hope you know that I never ever sanctioned any misguided marsupials into attacking your thread. The Internet is a back of chex mix and more often than not there are far too many dayum pretzels making things stupid, so I apologize for such an incursion. I have nothing against Katstroke's Fallsins Equestria. If anything, it's superiority is unpassable through both its literary merit and its popularity. EoP will never compare. It's not even a six star fic---oh... wait.


Egads. Is there no end to the awesomeness? I'm sorry for not responding to this sooner. I've been entangled with a certain turquoise unicorn and music bullcrap.

So, yeah. I'm uber flattered. I think you're working on something amazingly awesome, even if the fucking arc it's based on won't be finished for another ten years.

I personally think the one with the circular struts is more accurate, even if you can't fit all thirty-five platforms. But, meh. I cannot play Minecraft. I can only watch two british dudes ad lib to it.

If you're serious about this thing, perhaps you should open up a separate thread about it in /collab/. That would be a cool marsupial right there.

As charming an idea as that is, I dunno if I deserve to take up that sort of space on /fic/. Maybe if Ion-storm, Vimbert, or he-of-whom-we-never-speak-of-but-may-be-called-Samurai-Jack approve of it, then I'll give it a go. But one thing is for certain, this thread SHOULD sage about now.


So, what a delightful journey this thread has been. There are no words, and yet there are many.

Do I feel a huge, overwhelming cloud of regret? Uh. Yeah. I've accomplished crap over the past four months. Two hundred thousand words down the drain and nothing to show of it. You all have been so helpful and supportive of me, and I've not given anything back in return.

That said, I still think I've benefited from this thread. And I hope that there are some of you who enjoyed the rought drafts of Petra, despite their shittiness.

I know I've made some fantastic friends because of this thread, and because of that I am enraptured. I'm in a good place in my life, even if End of Ponies isn't.

Today, I went to the local supermarket and bought--like--twenty-four bottles of Dr. Pepper. Why is this significant? I told myself a month ago that I wouldn't indulge in the nectar of my muse until I had the Petra arc done.

Obviously, that is not the case. Instead, I consider myself victorious for another reason, and you can go and peruse that reason here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19198/Background-Pony

In less than two weeks, this fic has triple the favorites and five times the comments than EoP has in nearly six months.

What the fuck.

So yeah. I hope y'all forgive me if I work on this story for a while. I'm a hors like that. Also, I'm ENJOYING this story. It's not that I don't enjoy EoP, but EoP has been and shall forever be a hipster's wet dream. Something about this Lyra fic speaks out to the masses, and that's something I feel like capitalizing on. It could very well put me on the map in the MLP community, and I'm already dreaming up other mini fics and side projects to gobble up the attention.

So, what does that mean for End of Ponies? The way I see it, this is like in between seasons for a show like Walking Dead or whatcrap (sorry, Vimbert). I'm getting my shiet together, textually cuddling Lyra (cuz she's so dayum cute), and trying to roll in the bits. After that is tackled, I'll come back to End of Ponies and go back to the usual Iron Man match.

So, that said, there really isn't any need to continue this thread for the time being. I could take on Comrade Demetrius' advice and do a GENERAL AUTHOR thread--but just how much can someone fap to himself in bronyville anyways? Why don't y'all lemme know what you think, and then we'll let this thread go the way of Britsh Petroleum.

So, once more, so long and thanks for all the fanart.

Yours, unto the brink,
>> No. 97600
File 133469954329.jpg - (118.37KB , 1025x768 , Petra Build Progress JPG.jpg )
I'd heard you were working on something else, but hadn't found the thing. I'll have to give this story a gander!

As to letting this thread sage, probably a good idea, especially if EoP is going on a hiatus while you work on this new fic. If it's even half as good as EoP, I'll be following you equally ravenously and enjoying the hell out of it.

I think having a general author thread might be a good idea, if only to serve as a hub to watch for updates on Background Pony or End of Ponies or any other works you may undertake.

As to the minecraft project, it's coming along. I'm looking into learning some building techniques to achieve the right 'feel' for Petra and it's steampunk goodness. I'll include one last picture here, of a little bit of actual building that's been happening, but it's on hold until I get a more solid grasp on the architecture I'm trying to achieve. I might start a thread in /collab/ for this beast of a project.

I'll be keeping an eye out for future updates to End of Ponies, but for the moment I'll let this rest. Thanks for the fun on this thread, all of you, and I'll look forward to hearing more from you, SS&E, in future updates of this, or other, stories.
>> No. 97611
File 133470425449.png - (203.12KB , 1066x1000 , PinkyTears.png )

Just read this. Wow. Why can't I hold all these feels?

I have no problem with you putting aside EoP for this. It's very excellent. Just, uh, don't forget to come back?

Damn that second chapter is good...

What were we talking about?
>> No. 97617
I think a general author thread would be a good idea, but if you're not in favor of it, let it lie.
>> No. 97624
>SS&E Story..


>"Have I mentioned that Twilight Sparkle is ridiculously adorable?"

>continues reading...

BTW I head out in 6 days. Glad I get to enjoy some of your new work before hand. ;)
>> No. 97633
File 133470895538.png - (311.75KB , 586x433 , Lyra Sleeping.png )

The reason that it "speaks out to the masses" is fairly simple, I'd say...you've hit on an entirely new type of story that really touches people on a lot of levels.

There are all kinds of sadfics on the fanfic community. There are "OMG Rarity had a heart attack and died!" fics, or "Twilight Sparkle is suffering through depression!" fics, things like that. These fics that assault you with sadness, that hit the reader with shot after shot of sad without a hint of redemption. It causes a lot of readers to be put off...there's just no end to it.

But Background Pony? You've created an entirely new character. Rather than go with Lyra's conventional fanon (eccentric, happy pony with strange quirks related to walking, holding things, etc), you've essentially created a new character altogether, using Lyra as the placeholder as you tell your story. And it's a story that evokes sadness...the very idea of being forgotten, being completely alone....but in the background, there is a glimmer of hope. The fact that she is doing good things for others, that even though they don't remember her, their lives become enriched by her actions. The fact that somehow, someway, there is this possibility that she will one day be saved. Those kind of emotions really hit the readers, not to mention that the way you write it...at times it feels less like a narrative and more like a beautifully crafted poem...it just works.

Is Background Pony perfect? No. I'm not about to tell you that the story you have written is perfect, because it would be unfair to you to say that. The worst thing you can tell an artist is that their work is perfect. But you absolutely deserve the accolades you are getting for this quite brilliant story.

As I mentioned in a comment over on FIMFiction, Background Pony inspired me to go back into my own fanfic I'm writing and push it to be the absolute best I can be. That briefly resulted in me trying to copy your style of writing, but I quickly realized that my style of writing is simply not like yours, in much the same way that your style of writing is simply not mine. Rather, I've gone back and tried to at least, through my own style, get the reader to feel something for my characters, like you have done in your story.

But, yes. Background Pony is quite awesome, and you deserve the praise you are getting for it. When I have some free time, I will be checking out End of Ponies, because I'm quite enjoying your writing style.
>> No. 97666
File 133472128428.png - (161.19KB , 646x561 , Scootaloo.png )
> I dunno if I deserve to take up that sort of space on /fic/.
Well, we're talking one thread to discuss your work versus a thread about EoP and a thread about Background Pony, which will inevitably happen even if you don't make one. It has happened with Cupcakes, Pattycakes, Fallout: Equestria, Past Sins and My Little Dashie, and your new story is approaching critical mass. So, one thread about your writing -- not about you. That's why it's not masturbatory; you're working hard to provide people with writing, and the thread is where the point blank discussion and development happens.

> Maybe if Ion-storm, Vimbert, or he-of-whom-we-never-speak-of-but-may-be-called-Samurai-Jack approve of it, then I'll give it a go.
Okay, you know what? Check your email.
>> No. 97732
File 133476659386.png - (509.17KB , 1122x1122 , rainscoot_cute.png )
Glad to get an update and hear where you're at. I remember seeing Background Pony on EQD, and while I only read a couple of fanfics and almost never check out new ones, something about it compelled me to read the description. That's when I saw your name and pretty much read it right away haha.

It was very enjoyable, and I passed it on to some fellow EoP fans, but I think we can all agree: please don't forget to come back to this one eventually, as I know at least I'm quite eager to get past the cliff hanger hehe (I guess I'll just read the Kaizo edition to hold me over for now).
>> No. 97909
that makes me sad
>> No. 100322
File 133591862436.jpg - (437.06KB , 1600x1257 , harmony_by_contrail09-d4ycaup.jpg )
sorry to unsage but y'all need to see this!
the most detailed Harnony ever!
i hope SSE approves!
link to art page http://contrail09.deviantart.com/art/Harmony-299545585
>> No. 100357

that is fucking FANTASTIC
>> No. 100358
File 133592924393.png - (880.01KB , 964x1316 , 110033 - artist-kiyoshiii guitar metal rocking rock_a_doodle_doo scootaloo.png )

>> No. 101150
As long as this thread isn't completely dead, I've got something cool! I finished that song I posted ages back!


Hope you like it!

Now from what I can tell, the story is on hiatus again? When do you think we'll get a finished Petra arc? And are you going to be a BronyCon?
>> No. 101202
Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!!

Holy cow man that was awesome. I've long hoped some day this fic would inspire a song, and that was better than I could have expected. I'm curious as to what SS&E might have to say once he sees it though lol...

Unrelatedly, I just commissioned a custom Harmony blind bag. I'll post up a picture of that when I get it =)
>> No. 101324
Hello fellow marsupials

I can't get this out of my mind. Please forgive the intrusion, and feel free to ignore it.

I can't stop imagining an end to The End of Ponies wherein somehow, the sun is restored, and while ponies are still soon to become extinct, color gradually returns to the world. As it gently drifts forward with vibrancy of new life, and the spiral of Entropa's timefire burns on, a threadbare legacy of ponies survives through the eons, cherished by other creatures capable of sentience and love who share the inherited splendor of the new world.

I have this stuck in my head:
(I tried finding a link to part 1, which is instrumental and what I originally heard with this, but oh well.)

Again, forgive this faggottry. SS&E will end his story the way he will end his story. Posted in the autosaged thread so that few if any people will notice.
>> No. 101333
That is more or less along the lines of how I've envisioned the end (it being the most poetic in my opinion), though my mind is certainly open to new possibilities and surprises, as SS&E has provided before. Regarding the end, it already seems obvious that Harmony is involved in the process of her own salvation, since the existence of the arcane vaults likely stem from her own influence, so I'm interested to see how that actually plays out.
>> No. 101447
wow! i just found that epic song on youtube and came here to see if it were linked yet and it has been i see
wow just wow
>> No. 101494
IMO, the lack of faves & comments is purely due to way you release stuff.

Take Fallout:Equestria or Past Sins as example, and wonder what your story has LESS than them.

The answer? Updates. Every update is another front page on EqD. You release per arc, meaning you've had exactly... three update posts on EqD, for 24 chapters. Other fics are at about 24 update posts by then.
>> No. 102533
yes but the redership is slowly picking up thanks to background pony on fimfiction which in my opinion is a very good site for mlp fanfiction as opposed to EQD which is a very good image source and HIE fics. tho they did have a few good ones.
>> No. 102817
Okay, finally stumbled across this blog in my search for updates to End of Ponies. I'll openly admit I've not read very much of the posts here yet, but I did have a few brief things to say:

End of Ponies is, in my opinion, one of the finest works of fanfiction I have ever read in any genre. Not only this, but I would go so far as to say one of the most enjoyable pieces of fiction I've read, published or otherwise. I love this story and am so very pleased to see that you are still hard at work on it.

I came across it through a story update on EQD and after losing many a night's sleep to pouring through the delightful tome, I waited patiently for updates. Last post I saw was on FIMFICTION and finally, after April, came back to discover a link to this blog here. That's the news and now you're up to date.

I hope these words come as encouragement to you. I've passed word of this story along to all my Brony friends and many of us are in eager anticipation of future installments!

Lastly, my brother has converted the current work into ebook Kindle format, including table of contents, cover, etc. Wasn't sure if there was already one out there (all I've found are Google docs and PDFs), but there is now. ;)
>> No. 102973
This makes perfect sense. But, as much as I hate waiting for arcs to finish for an official update, I like knowing that the author can work on the story in large chunks and make everything fit just so well.

I read everything on fimfiction. Got really impatient and started reading rough drafts of the Petra arc. Decided on reading the HHH Edition because it was more recent. You ended the rough drafts on TWO cliff hangers. Damn you. This is what I get for trying to read ahead.

I initially had a hard time caring for the goblins but warmed up to them. (I also had a really hard time imagining what they were supposed to look like.) I guess I had so little investment in them compared to Scootaloo. Once Scoots started interacting with them and they felt relevant it was fine.

The back and forth between so many story threads doesn't seem as jarring as I thought it'd be. If anything it kind of feels like "these are the kinds of things she's thinking about" or "this is relevant to the present situation". And I have faith it'll all come full circle just like it did in Fluttershy's arc.

Do things in your own time, of course. I've just gotten antsy. I have faith you'll finish your fanfic to rival all fanfics (plus you stated so, so now I'm less worried. )
>> No. 104544

In response to RamonetB's post, I've finished compiling a kindle-friendly eBook version of The End of Ponies. I have enjoyed reading this story so much that long hours staring at the computer screen began to strain my eyes. I was unable to find a kindle version of the story (just PDFs) so I underwent the task of creating an eBook version to read on the kindle myself.

As my luck would have it, I did manage to find a kindle friendly version of the file just as I finished compiling my own. I am posting my compilation here for others though, as I feel it is a better presentation than the version I found by retaining more of the original story's formatting. For example, section breaks with horizontal lines are intact and "~*~" breaks are centered, Story title, Chapter titles and subtitles are in larger fonts and centered, and added a couple of graphics to accentuate Scootaloo's parent's names on the memorial.

I plan on updating the eBook versions as additional chapters are released.

eBook conversions may be found here:


I very hearty thanks once again to SS&E for the weaving of such a wonderful tale!
>> No. 105768
I've been stalking this thread for decades (figuratively speaking) And I've lost enough sleep to legitimately say.

Where in Celestia's grand mane is the Petra Arc?
>> No. 105789
File 133910847931.png - (925.89KB , 1024x768 , harmonybb_hand1.png )
Still on hiatus while he's writing Background Pony and works out the issues with the Petra arc. He hasn't left it; simply taking the time to fully recharge his authorship batteries and think things out before pressing forward =)

More up to date information will probably show up in his author thread first, which is here: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/98022.html
>> No. 113621
When is chapter 25 coming out?
>> No. 113644
Might I direct you to >>98022 SS&Es active thread on Ponychan. This one is old and auto-saged. As for the answer, End of Ponies is on hiatus until Background Pony is complete. I estimate a month or two for that to finish off judging solely by estimates of how quickly he's been writing chapters on average. At that point he has promised to return to EoP and begin writing chapters 25+. That's about it. Oh yeah, There are draft version of two alternative takes on the next arc somewhere in this thread. Petra Kaizo edition, and Petra HHH. Read at your own risk.
>> No. 129361
>> No. 130797
I just found the story recently, and i was just wondering. is it discontinued? or is it on hiatus? it said the next update would be in 2013, and... i hope you aren't bothered by my question... sorry...
>> No. 130804
File 140364688034.png - (142.47KB , 444x442 , 133088843972.png )
I don't think SS&E comes here anymore, and if he does he has made no announcement about EoP. Most of this board's population is also eagerly awaiting an update. You might try his Fimfic user page if curiosity bugs you too much.

Last edited at Tue, Jun 24th, 2014 14:55

>> No. 130806
File 140374970867.gif - (713.48KB , 325x203 , spoiler.gif )
It so happens that someone asked me about End of Ponies recently. I responded.

Everything you need to know about why End of Ponies isn't still happening:

(scroll down to see comments)

Last edited at Wed, Jun 25th, 2014 19:29

>> No. 130814
Huh... so I wasn't crazy when his new work felt more and more like attention horseing wrecks.
>> No. 130983
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>> No. 130993
Trouvé quand il s'agit de Guangzhou, les conducteurs de Noël ont couru sur une immense esplanade horloge ronde de la gare. Considérant réseau ferroviaire est en fait assez pour le bouquet grand, Le touriste est tout simplement autorisé à entrer dans l'océan avant longtemps auparavant faire une personne de enseigne. Un grand nombre acheter beaucoup de jours d'attente souvent autour de jardin en basical mettre sur les quartiers produites en hauteur en termes de barricades de fer.

J'ai un ami qui allait toujours en Thaïlande il ya seulement une dizaine d'années à la recherche trekking. Il a complété grâce à l'utilisation d'un grand nombre du total de leurs villes les plus faibles tout en allégué qu'il était probablement choqué de voir précisément comment tout le monde était agréable. Il a visité un enseignement dans leur choix où les enfants sont effectivement s'amusent petite ligue. Fournit un moyen facile et confortable conformes à certainement pied de main supplémentaire. Coton Kanchipuram est l'une parmi la célèbre bon spectre inclus dans le bas de porcelaine. KANCHIPURAM homme fait saris de fibres ont une option de vente notamment en place le monde de l'information de.

Voici plusieurs chaussures de formation croisée qui ont tous Shox pour les gars. Essai répétitif et ceux yooughout sûrement posséder, simple fait qu'ils sont lourds, Et aussi des pâtes de la peau haut de forme à cette personne. Je les achète pour votre terrain en ce qui concerne pied, En ajoutant 1938, Gucci a inventé le long de l'obtention d'un spécialiste a dû être brisé dans la capitale italienne. Gucci a été la raison de faire de l'emploi très majoritaire de décision sur les ressources de prêt à tempérament à court terme. En l'espace de 1947, Gucci a lancé le type de égyptiens draps de coton ressemble peu après chaussures Gucci, pourrait bien souvent être généralement un chef des affaires financières.

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