Oh, and writers, please use the submission form in the OP after you make a post here. It helps us not miss any reviews that get sent in. Here it is again:
http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit

Reposting two submissions from the R for Reviewing Edition before it gets nuked.

==================

Title: Kindle the Bonfire
Author: sirhim11
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Grimdark] [Adventure] [Crossover]
Synopsis: The Darksign. It brands the dead. Those who die come back as a shell of their former selves. If they do not restore their equinity the ponies lose their minds and go hollow, attacking all who still take breath. Ponies wait for their princesses to end this blight, but no help comes. Equestria is dying.
Links:
Chapter 1- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IIDa-appuiJuOcAsoLhpqePv1sE8KT2qiOGHkCs2Sz0/edit?hl=en_US

Chapter 2- https://docs.google.com/document/d/13yT_BP-rUqrjIm2NDzVJTpYuO0g7KcHYs361ucld68U/edit?hl=en_US

Please review both chapters if possible. If not, please only review chapter 2.

==================

Title: [Pony-Net]
Author: RavensDagger
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Dark Comedy Random
Description:
Military research facility five, built in the year 31NLR, has been unmaintained and abandoned for over seventeen years. Now the central AI [Pony-Net] has found itself a new friend. How will a super intelligent computer cope with the stupidity of an organic being?

Basically a messed up fic about the interactions of two equally messed up chars. Then they die.

Link (note that I also have in it G-Docs if the Editor prefers it that way):
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8635/%5BPONY-Net%5D

Chapters: This is a one-shot.
Comments:

I just really need a plot/Dialogue/Character editor to help me flesh out my characters. Some knowledge of computers would be nice. (It IS about an AI)

==================

>>80761
Thank you kindly.

I heartily approve!
>>80761
Thank you as always, Filler, for helping make sure nothing gets missed.

New training grounds ALREADY?!
Dayum people, you're really burning through these like a wildfire!

Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover

Synopsis: Looking for a way to give her reading ability a boost, Twilight's new spell is interrupted by a certain rainbow pegasus, causing it to backfire in an unexpected but hilarious way.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8488/Twenty-Percent-Smarter

Only 1 chapter to be reviewed.

Comments: All I got back from submitting it to Equestria Daily is: "This needs a lot of editing it sounds like, for pretty much everything!"

So I'm not sure what they want done, they just directed me here.

This may sound like a stupid question, but here goes: If you submit something to EqD, do they really expiclity tell you in reponse "Take it ponychan.net and ask for XXX"?

>>80783
More or less yeah, cause for some reason this place got a bunch of people to review each others work (what sorcery they used beats me). TTG or just the bunch of free review threads, this place has taken shape as a place fix stuff up.

Also, if no ones minds, I call the writer name xXx for sfw stories and XXX for nsfw stories, so I can be called triple x everywhere.

>>80788
> More or less yeah, cause for some reason this place got a bunch of people to review each others work (what sorcery samurai they used beats me). TTG or just the bunch of free review threads, this place has taken shape as a place fix stuff up.
Fixed.

Ah well, he might downplay his importance correct me if I don't correct myself, so I'll just chalk it up to a general desire to help writers grow and improve. Ponychan, it's magic (or at least it was when /fic/ as we now know it began to coalesce).

>>80761
[Pony-net]

>>79332
Claiming because I've read the first chapter already, Chinese New Year's over and I have stupid writer's block need to do something constructive feel like it. Indeedy do.

Tags: [Adventure, Grimdark, Shipping]

Description: The peace between ponies and the dragons comes to a crushing end when they declare war. Several years of diplomacy have failed and the basis of the war is clouded. Celestia asks Twilight for a monumental sacrifice to save both sides from greater destruction. When Twilight's mission uncovers a grand manipulation, she will stain her soul to free another's, all the while fighting off being consumed by a darkness she battles. Will she bend to the madness or overcome the darkness of all?

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1192/The-Quiet-Place
EqD Critique: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G-hH0H7tifAuAY-OcAYxCuF7uPrNoxJcMRJ7YV2uiEc/edit?hl=en_US

-------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I'm also looking for an editor or two that may be interested in working with me on this. I can provide any information regarding the story, intent, characters, Google Docs links, etc, to assist in any way I can.

>>80761
The writing is clear, and you can get your points across just fine, without confusing the reader. But they aren’t put forth in an interesting manner. Sometimes it was due to a string of sentences that have the same structure (She ... He ... It ...).
The computer dialogue and transcript bits are pretty unique.

Paragraphing issues:
Some paragraphs need to be broken up so as to avoid confusing the reader.
Example:
{He smiled in relief; apparently a phone call was important to him. She took note of this fact. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

-No.”}
>> “I’ll take that as a yes?” should be in a new paragraph.
>> Why? Because if you put it right after the sentence ‘She took note of this fact,’ it would seem as if that dialogue was said by ‘her’

Description is lacking:
You need to add in that description of the computer. Because I have hardly any idea on what it looks like. Tell me about that fine layer of dust, or the metal parts losing their sheen, rusting away. Tell me about the stale, stuffy air inside the facility. Etc. I had no idea that the computer was built in a cave till later in the story.
You shouldn’t just describe your one of your main characters as “dark brown, red mane”. Use a more impactful description. Perhaps add in a simile somewhere. Even a simple adjective would help. (Fiery red mane instead of red mane for example)
Sometimes, you omit the entire chunk of description altogether. Example: {fired gushes of foam right at his face. “I hate you,” he sputtered as he shook himself free of the foamy agent.}
You seem to overuse the expression “He stomped his hoof on the floor”

Plot:
This pony finds a supercomputer. I’m guessing that he’s partly curious and partly afraid of it, therefore, he decides to call for help. BUT he decides to use the computer’s communications. And he decides to enter the facility. Then he realises he needs to do a whole of stuff before he can get to the communications place.
I don’t really see the logic in this. I think this is a plot hole here. If you’re uncertain of something, why would you be so eager to enter it in the first place? After you realise how huge the place is and how far you have to go to get your phone call, wouldn’t you consider giving up and heading home? At the very least, show some hesitation over here. And give a solid reason why he is so focussed on getting that call. Maybe he’s carriage is broken and he is stuck in the middle of some dessert or something?
There is also a lack of hesitation in this part:
{- We attempted to aid you.
-Now it is your turn.

“Oh?” he looked around nervously. “Alrighty then.”}
You need to show uncertainty or fear BEFORE he gives his consent, given that he immediately suspects that something is amiss. There’s a lack of fear and suspicion.

I did not find the ending to be satisfying. Breaking the fourth wall was such an abrupt, random conclusion. I’m missing this whole bit of explanation on how the fourth wall is relevant to this story.

Characterization:
So far, it’s shallow. The pony does not have a memorable character. He is basically just your ordinary traveller pony, except that he seems to be a little mentally challenged. Perhaps you might want to build on this and give him unique traits.
I don’t see why the earth pony should be crying when he finds out how many ponies died in the facility. He doesn’t even know those ponies, nor does he have any idea what is actually going on. I do not really care about these ponies that died.

I think it would have been better if the POV character was actually the pony instead of the computer. You can talk about how he got lost in some sort of unknown area and find this supercomputer or something like that.
When you set the computer as your POV character, you can’t SHOW much about the feelings and emotions. All you could do was TELL me how the computer feels, using stuff like ‘pride meter’. However, this point is really subjective. Some readers will prefer it just the way it is.

>>80401
Ask and you shall receive. I'll be taking CloudCover's "Falling Down." Relatively short, should be right up my alley!

(chapter one only)


General thoughts:

So, I found the time to ease back into reviewing, and I was worried I'd get a really bad fic.

Thank you. This is much better than I feared. I really like two of your five characters, and I think this chapter can really shine with some work. Right now, it seems like the narrator keeps shying away from telling the story, but if you make it more direct and flesh out the perspective character this has the potential to be a very strong opening for a very creepy tale indeed.

When you begin from confusion, you have to show a character trying to figure out what's happening. This gives the reader somepony to relate to, and a way to unfold the story naturally. Thus, right now Notharam is the biggest weakness, and the biggest potential for success.

Mistrunner is totally my favorite.

Now, if I understand correctly, you've finished your story. I'd consider this a draft, and the next thing to do with the draft of a novel is work up an outline and make sure you have all the events you need and none you don't. That's not my particular strength, but I'm sure you could find a reader on /fic/ with experience in longer stories.

There's an unwritten rule that many TTG readers don't do fics longer than a limit (typically 10,000 words). That might explain why they made you wait so long.

You could also try to revise the first chapter (I hope my notes are helpful). If it's stronger, you'll have a better chance of getting an editor to help you out.

-----

>Author's note
I think it's okay to just say that you're not in continuty with HWE. This sort of thing happens all the time; there's not really any reason to apologize for it.

As a rule, I don't edit grammar unless I'm satisfied with the story. The most important things for me are characterization and flow, so that's where I like to focus my energy.

But, I'm also a language student (native English, studying Japanese), so I'm going to give you the feedback I'd like to receive myself: I'm going to flag things ( with >: ) that sound awkward. If I notice consistent mistakes, I'll mention them, but I'm not going to explain grammar unless you ask. That gives you a chance to fix things if you already know the rule.

If you don't, ask, and I'll explain. I love talking about language.

>: grasp, made it vanish
>: night. A pair of
>: soon." the unicorn
>: tranquilizing

>but a single tear
>flinched in shock
It seems Notharam is experiencing conflicting feelings, but I don't 100% understand what they are. This might be okay, though, since he's just waking up.

>tranquilizing venom
I'd just say "tranquilizer"

>: side to side, and saw

>how his body slowly started listening to him again
I can't feel this as well as I should. This entire paragraph has this problem. I'd try writing it with simpler sentence structure, something like:

>>Slowly, Notharam found he could move his head. He turned it to the opposite side and saw a yellow filly lying on the ground, her sides rising and falling gently as she slept. A gray mare watched over her. She wore a scarf around her neck, and her cutie mark was three white lines like the claw-mark of an animal. He guessed she had been the one to wake him.

>>He turned his heavy head by to the green unicorn. "Who are you?

Organizing the description in the order that the character notices things and separating his opinion into its own sentence makes it clearer. Also, by moving the last action into the next paragraph, I can avoid the "Notharam asked" dialog tag.

>Emerald Scroll (character first impression)

This character, and Notharam's interaction with him, feels wrong. Chararcterization is 9/10 making sure the reader knows what your characters want. In N's case, he's scared and confused and really wants some anwsers and some ponies he can trust.

I don't hear him struggling for that. The only excuse you have is that he's drugged, but especially then you should show the chracter wanting something.

For example, Fallout: Equestria has a scene where the main character is under a very large dose of painkillers -- the single biggest emotional message is how much she wants to make out with the attractive nurse pony. All the important story stuff happens in the background.

So, if I were writing, I'd have N try to remember where he last was and try to put together what happened.

This brings me to Emerald. He's extremely calm, and comes across as creepy because of it. My guess is you want him to be cultured and polite. A little bit of defensiveness might help.

>>"Please, just, try to stay calm. My name is Emerald Scroll, and I don't know where we are either. I'm a scrollkeeper at the Royal Library in Canterlot, and then... something happened - I can't remember - and I woke up here, just like you. Her name is Mistrunner, and the filly hasn't woken up yet. May I ask your name?"


>He could feel how the last trace of the venom vanished from his veins.
How can he feel that? I can't imagine what that feels like. I'd just say "He decided to try standing," and then show what happens when he does.

>: Carefuly did he try
>: did the two ponies make

Native English speakers don't use that form so much. It's limited to poetry and special emphasis (mostly with "if" statements).

>: that shoot

>Only seconds later
I'd try deleting the entire sentence

>: No sooner than
Whole sentence is weird.
As soon as Notharam was standing steadily on his own legs again, he took a closer look at Emerald.

>: unicorns
>: back; one

>: distance; Notharam

>: something of him

> seemingly trying to shake something of him
STOP DOING THIS. I mean, please, don't draw attention to questions you're not going to answer, it just makes me, the reader, hate your narrator.

>unusably
>>useless


>The room was circular
It would be better to describe the setting earlier. The natural time to do this would be when Notharam is trying to figure out where he is.

>Both had the horn of a unicorn and wings of a pegasi, evidence that the statues was that of alicorns.
>>Both were alicorns.

If you think that's not explicit enough, you can say,
>>Both had horns like unicorns and wings like pegasi; they were alicorns.
No need for "evidence" or "that ... was that"

I am very confused, now. Why wouldn't N notice the giant alicorn statues in the room? Basically, I'm trying to re-imagine the entire scene to make it fit, and you've forgotten about Mistrunner, and AUGH! So frustrating.

Please re-think this scene and what N will notice and be curious about at each point in time.

>Celestia? Who would make a statue of her? And who is the other? What is the statue of not only one, but two alicorns, doing down here?

I love this line. It's a good way to let the reader know this isn't exactly the Equestria we're familiar with. Perhaps Luna has been forgotten. It raises all kinds of interesting questions without frustrating me. On the contrary: it makes me want to read more.

---

Picking back up on characterization.

Emerald -- why is he so calm? Why is he not more freaked out by being drugged and waking up somewhere? I'm not buying it. He's either a robot or a serial killer. He drugged Notharam and now I'm just waiting for the story to go all-out Cupcakes.

Mistrunner -- please tell me more about her? Pwease?
If you're not going to, maybe she doesn't belong in this scene.

Oh, okay, there she is. But, she was all the way across the giant room with the giant statues? That's too important to not tell the reader about earlier.

>There was something about this small filly that triggered a memory in Notharam’s mind, but it disappeared as fast as it had appeared.
NO.

I'm going to stop complaining every time you do this. That doesn't mean it's any less obnoxious.

Mistrunner and Zinky -- Yes, characters! I was worried they'd all be as dull as your stallions have been so far. These two burst with life, and it's because I can relate to them. Zinky's just a little kid, lost a long way from home with three strange ponies, and my heart just goes out to her. I'm sure that Mistrunner is scared, but since she has somepony to take care of, she can keep herself together for at least a little while.

To bring Notharam and Emerald to life in the same way:

Notharam -- he's a military pony, yes? Make him courageous, but remember that courage is not the absence of fear but rather the ability to keep functioning through it. He should always be trying to figure out what's happening and what he needs to do.

Emerald -- he's scared into his adorkable bookish shell. But, you need to show me his fear. Maybe he's scared of Notharam -- in fact, I'd make that the central part of his interaction with Notharam. His lines should sound like the next thing he's going to say is "please don't hit me."

At the same time, his fear can't completely blunt his insatiable curiosity and nerdy obsession with facts.

Final thoughts this chapter:
The Voice (NMM?) isn't quite scaring me as much as it should. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it will get better on its own when you revise; I think my difficulty in relating to the perspective character is keeping me out of the story.

>>80824
Thank you, for giving it a chance. My mind is not focused at this moment in time, but I will try to comment on as much as possible.

Firstly, I hope you liked the story so far, I would love if you found time sometimes and read the rest, your review will help me a lot when I edit it!

The thing is that I would love to make this fic a first person fic right now, I would love to change the entire thing. BUT since I have this as school project and only have around 20 hours left (and that include editing, fixing the grammar and write a report on it...) will that have to wait until the "project show of".

I have noticed that one of my weakness is that I do not have any "fixed" characters when I start, I write the characters and let them come to live during the writing. I will try to fix so you can find yourself some more in Emerald and Notharam (thanks for the heads up on that, want it to make it more natural)

The Authors note will I look over, its just that I have noticed that some (not on fim but the ones I have linked it to before) comment on facts that have arrived after I finished it and that I do not have any plans to implent.

And, since I am horrible at grammar, and at the time of writing Chimes was even worse, do I have a friend to help me with that. The only thing is that I do not want to bury him in work before I have edited the story. I have taken your notes to me and will look that over.

The sinlge tear thing is more of a rest from what happened before he see the eye, more of that will be explained.

And I'm sorry that you had that first impression on Emerald, have to think that over. (I must say that I myself never think like that, I can not see wrongs in my own texts and I hate it. I knew it was something, just not what.)

Since I'm english aint my native language do I have problem to read lines without the "did". I will look those parts over, it is after all not I who shall read it.

And that question is going to be answered in chapter 2, at least partly.

I'm one of those "I will show you but darn I will do it long!" persons, going to see what I can edit. And it will not go cupcakes, do not fear about that. Mindless gore aint my thing.

And the triggering thing is also going to be explained, I guess I'm blind to others, I myself love those small things, it makes me analyze the things that sentence was around and the relation between the objects. One of my readers complained that a fact later came to quickly, thats why I added that line, gonna try to weave more into it.

Mistrunner... I love that character, have to elaborate some things with her thought.

I will try to work more on Emerald and Notharam, thanks for the tips!

And the voice (NMM?) is most likely the character I liked to write the most, I'm sure you will understand later.

I want to apologise for the trouble I may have caused. It was stupid of me to skip the proofreading and neglectic/misinterpret as someone told me it wasn't done. Sorry again

Is there a reason a thread update wasn't posted with this thread?

It would make sense to begin each thread with a post update rather than just dropping the OP, seeing how most, if not all, will not revisit the previous thread due to the fact it has been abandoned for greener pastures. That way, everyone who sees this place would just have to look down and notice where the last thread state ended, allowing for easier allocation of time and preventing people from remaining ignorant to the existence of their review or not (a problem so recurring it borders on the ridiculous).

Considering going back to the previous thread is such a hassle for everyone involved, making the first response on the thread be the status post is only logical.

Welp, that didn't take long. Comments are in-doc. In the meantime, have a review!

I usually enjoy these audio log/diary based stories, and I rather liked this one. There were some stumbling in the grammar, some misspellings, but nothing that could detract from what was being told.

Unfortunately I was left wanting more. You have a beginning, some bits of conflict, but you don't dwell on any part for very long. I guess that goes with the territory of a traveler's log story, but things just went by too quickly. Just as we're introduced to new characters or new adversities we get carted to a new locale, barely having registered what just happened.

The story ended too neatly too with the obvious deus ex machina, as did the epilogue. I would've liked to hear more of what Seafoam had been doing in the Stable, like what job she took, her relationship with Stripe, all that. Despite the brevity of the story I felt myself caring about Seafoam, and I'd of liked to know more of what has become of her.

My overall advice: Add more. Put in more of a beginning, more details throughout, and especially a more fulfilling and satisfyingly detailed ending. As it stands, this story is more of a lengthy aside that could be found in Fo:E rather then it's own standalone story.

A note about your story's tags: It was rather light on both of them, not very sad and not especially dark. Also, since this takes place in a crossover's universe, there has to be a [Crossover].

A good effort all around. Keep it up!

>>80829
While personally I find this a good Idea. hmm, I don't know how others think about it. But I'll see what I can do.

>>80829
>>80833
>mfw

I was seriously going to do a thread update to kick-start the new edition... looks like I was beaten to the punch a bit.

Thank you, Split.

REVIEWS THAT ARE AWAITING A RESPONSE FROM THE AUTHOR

CartoonGeld | >>74716 | 12/29/2011 | | 12/16/2011 | Faux | Hue Heart | >>72019
Inky Notebook | >>75280 | 12/31/2011 | | 12/26/2011 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>74021
Roan | >>75348 | 1/1/2012 | | 12/26/2011 | The Magnetic Republic | Nemislayer, CrimsontheWolf, CCZeroFire | >>74109
Warden | >>78132 | 1/15/2012 | | 1/10/2012 | The outing at Canterlot | Leochingu | >>77255
Dromer | >>78190 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Shadows of Scipio | einsUNDcolt | >>77388
Simon o'Sullivan | >>77907 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Neighboorhood Watch Anonymous | Holo | >>77412
Simon o'Sullivan | >>78509 | 1/17/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | S.O.S. Foal Detectives | Specter Von Baren | >>77442
Pascoite | >>78276 | 1/16/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | This ugly yet beautiful world | Finesthour | >>77446
Filler* | indoc | 1/15/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | Red Sky's Destiny | Roastbeezy | >>78145
Filler* | indoc | 1/15/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | Red Sky's Destiny | Roastbeezy | >>78145
Pascoite | >>80361 | 1/27/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Hell Butterflies | Creegos | >>80232
Pascoite | >>80660 | 1/29/2012 | | 1/27/2012 | Core of the Apple | outlaw4rc | >>80389
Compendium of Steve | >>80830 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/27/2012 | Falling Down | CloudCover | >>80401
cheezesauce | >>80809 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/29/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>80761

PENDING REVIEWS

Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Kurbz | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>74994
Grif | | | | 1/7/2012 | Whiplash | Molotov Cocktail | >>76726
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
AidanMaxwell | | | | 1/11/2012 | Good Night! {WIP} | Takeshi Ashirogi | >>77365
Eustatian | >>80824 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Chimes In the Dark | Faindragon | >>77371
Uma | | | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
Filler | | | | 1/15/2012 | Fallout Equestria: Duel | Pacce of the Many Mustaches | >>78200
Casca | | | | 1/21/2012 | Lunar Beginnings Ch. 2 | Faintpony | >>79332

UNCLAIMED/NEW FICS

| | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
| | | | 1/14/2012 | Black Equinox | JDude | >>80258
| | | | 1/14/2012 | Rainbow Dash's Big Adventure | the dobermans | >>77897
| | | | 1/15/2012 | Ace Combat: Shattered Rainbows | Brotato | >>78189
| | | | 1/16/2012 | Jericho | Crushric | >>78221
| | | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
| | | | 1/18/2012 | PonyPuff | Leo Archon | >>78596
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Upon Wings of Sacrifice | Rated PonyStar | >>79019
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>79249
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) | Dext | >>80253
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Capes | Triscy | >>79713
| | | | 1/26/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | >>80314
| | | | 1/27/2012 | The Horn That Creates the Heavens | MegaTank | >>80357
| | | | 1/27/2012 | A God Among Mares | Fearless Pie | >>80414
| | | | 1/28/2012 | "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is." | SpilledInk | >>80488
| | | | 1/28/2012 | Hearths Warming Eve | Rainbowderp98 | >>80594
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>80761
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Twenty Percent Smarter | Richtus | >>80779
| | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806

Tags [Grimdark, Adventure Crossover]

Synopsis: Its Bioshock but with ponies. Gene Tonic finds himself the only survivor of his crashed airship. Thankfully he lands near what appears to be an abandoned lighthouse. However things quickly go sour and Gene finds himself in Eufillyia, a once great Utopia that defies all pony science. However the place has been overrun with horrible creatures and ponies all vying for the resource known as L.U.N.A. All Gene wants to do is leave, but he finds Eufillyia has other plans.

links:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8822/1/Ponyshock/Welcome-to-Eufillyia

Comments: This is the first fanfic I've published and I really thought I wouldn't be doing this. However the little comments I've had have been overwhelmingly posistive so I figured I might as well put it up for review.

>>80842
I'm either going to be very happy or very disappointed. Expect a review soon.

>>80861
heres to hoping for the former then

>>80660

Most of the grammatical errors have been corrected. Non-verbal cues and broader corrections will be done once your review is complete.

Appreciate your help! Will continue to amend in real-time when possible.

I have no idea what image to put for this review, so have Shadowbolts, because they are the best ponies.

>>80842

Google Docs: Use it, please. Normally I can annotate where every error is in GDocs, but I'm not going to pretend to make a comprehensive list of errors because I know I'll miss some and I'd rather you learn to proof yourself instead of me doing it for you.

Short: Copypasta, pure and simple.

Long:
Grammar:
>“Nopony shots at me
Nopony shoots
>fair
fare
There are a few other instances of the wrong word being used, however they should show themselves as you do some more proofing.

You need to use an apostraphe when you have a possessive noun. There are quite a few instances (notably in the Hybrid/Big Daddy fight) of you not putting an 's to a possesive noun. Second, its is the possesive form of it. It's means it is. I'm going to be stern here. 90% of readers will give up on your story after the first possessive error. Fix them.

Second, it looks like you got a comma-gun and nobody told you how to use it.
http://www.uvu.edu/owl/infor/pdf/grammar_usage/punctuating_phrases.pdf
http://class.georgiasouthern.edu/writingc/handouts/punctuatingdependent.htm
http://www.towson.edu/ows/sentences.htm
There's three websites. Second, you have quite a fe comma splices. I'm going to steal Logician's explanation because he explains it pretty well.
"Comma Splices
A comma splice happens when, instead of putting a period, you put a comma because “it feels right". It seems to occur most often when a second independent clause explains or elaborates on the one preceding it, like in the following example:
>This is an independent clause, this is also an independent clause.
It's an easy habit to fall into, but it's also an easy habit to fix if you're conscious of it. Simply utilize a conjunction of some sort, or a semicolon:
>This is an independent clause, and this is no longer an independent clause because it now begins with a subordinating conjunction.
>This is an independent clause; this is also an independent clause." -Logician

You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Here's a brief bit of copypasta, however the writer (I think it was Vanner) did not leave his name, so I can't cite it properly.
"You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark." -Probably Vanner
Here's a few examples:
He said, "This is dialogue."
"Dialogue is silly," he said.
"Punctuate dialogue correctly." He smiled.

You have some repetetive sentences. Don't start with the same word six or seven sentences in a row, as it makes reading tiring. That being said, don't substitute proper nouns with descriptions (e.g. Twilight Sparkle/the lavender unicorn) as that is a nuisance to read and makes you look silly.

Plot:
This is literally a copy-paste of Bioshock with ponies. That is not a crossover. Crossovers are more than just putting two things into the same universe or replacing the names of the main characters with pony names. Great crossovers do just the opposite: they copy the spirit and themes of the two universes and make them into one cogent world. Recall how, in Fallout Equestria's first few chapters, Littlepip experiences a whole new world, ripe for exploring? That lines up precisely with the themes of the Fallout series. Or, about how Our First Steps (which technically isn't a crossover) caught the same sort of bright-eyed determination of early NASA as they fought for funding? How about the numerous setbacks they encountered, and how they needed to react to the situation accordingly, much like many of NASA's missions. That's what makes the best crossovers. Capturing the same essence as the source material is the most important part of creating a crossover.
It's also why yours falls flat. I've played Bioshock once, and seen one Let's Play of it, and I can see that the dialogue is almost directly lifted off of the game. Not only that, but things happen in the same manner in the game, in almost the same order. Copy-paste does not a good crossover make.

My perscription: Re-do the entire thing, this time making the story different, keeping the ideas and mythology of the ponyverse but the spirit and setting of Bioshock. Personally, I'd start with the magic channelers and work from there. How can magic channelers create a dystopic and distorted Objectivist society?

Any and all questions can be posted here on the thread or discussed in the IRC.

(Find the spirit of the works) and keep writing.

>>80830
Thanks for the review, I really appreciate the effort, and the positive(!) feedback.

A query, if it's ok?

I agree with the point about the tags, but I wouldn't be sure what to put in their place other than [crossover]. FO:E usually gets a [Grimdark], but the lack actual violence seems to preclude this. Any ideas?

I'll be sure to add to it, and change the ending.

>>80876
Thanks for the feedback. I truely do understand where your coming from here. I copypasta the opening straight from the game. It will get more crossovery (not a word I know) in the second chapter, I assure you but unfortunately for now this is where it stays. Thats also the reason I didn't send it to eqd or any other pony sight. A rewrite could be considered but I unfortunately already have an audience for this. The second chapter will get more into channellers, harnesses, and true oc. The real problem I have here is keeping with the source material, while keeping away from it. It is much more difficult than doing just another fallout fanfic, as fallout doesn't need to start anywhere. Bioshock on the other hand is much more deliberate in where it starts.

As for commas and punctuation I know that I suck with it. It may not be terrible, but it is bad none the less. I'll try to fix any errors I can find but I'm not the best judge.

Heres to doing better in the second chapter.

>>80879
Sorry for butting in here... but...
You... do know, why the setting is deliberate, right? Fallout: Equestria stories have deliberate starting points, same as a Bioshock crossover would...
The setting is always important. You can't just say "this story could have started anywhere, anytime." It doesn't work that way.

And, going back to the deliberation: Do you know what the point of Bioshock was? Reading your fic, I don't see the actual themes, modified or not, shining through much...

>>80879
Here's what I think. You can disregard my post and my ideas, and entertain an audience of ten, maybe a hundred. I can guarantee that your story as is will be rejected from Equestria Daily, and likely will not catch on FimFic.

Alternatively, you can heed my advice, hold off and perform a rewrite, be patient, learn, and get an audience of millions. I won't shove my review down your throat, or yell at you for not taking my advice. I presented what I thought would make this story worthy of the title of Bioshock. I presented what I believe can get you on EqD. I'll admit, it's be a hard, thankless road of editing and rewriting that few writers endure. I've had to walk it, but I believe that you can do it. I wouldn't have chosen to review your work if I thought otherwise.

It's ultimately down to you. Do you want something that you can say was a nice little distraction, a little story you did to impress a few people who took a shine to your writing, or do you want a story that you can be proud of years from now? The choice is up to you, whether you want to take my advice or leave it.

Regardless of what you choose, the reviewers in The Training Grounds and /fic/ will always be here to help.

Title: Sail By Night
Author: Papyra Scrive
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Normal] [Adventure]
Synopsis: Pipsqueak finally leaves Ponyville to pursue his destiny, a one of high seas plundering and serving Princes Luna. Princess Luna is free of the moon, but holds no true political power in Equestria. Pipsqueak plans to help the only way he can, by plundering Celestia's trade routes. But how is he going to achieve success as a pirate with only Pinkie Pie and a very irritable unicorn navigator as his crew?

This is the link to the google docs folder: https://docs.google.com/?tab=wo&authuser=0&pli=1#folders/0B25EHF0PTDStMDU3ZTBmMzEtZjU2ZC00MzM4LTkzNmItMDBhNDBlZTFkOWRk

Separate Chapters:
1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wC3saseMrrMB48kkYLkyUPSbi_DsciowZsWgbfWWkr8/edit?hl=en_US
2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MexB2wMzf9ltVgPwFBtrolaX8ayPKq0c4x02ZUaW1fk/edit?hl=en_US

I would like both chapters reviewed, please?

This is the Equestria Daily prereader response. I believe i can find the grammatical things, but i would love for help on the other problems.

[List of Issues]

1) Punctuation/spelling issues. You do this quite a bit.

Correct: "Hi!" she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said.

2) I can't see Pinkie Pie leaving Sugarcube corner to become a pirate with Pip. If anypony would, it WOULD be her. She'd just not leave her friends, however.

3) OOC on Pinkie Pie. Sure, she loaded the cannon with cupcakes, but there's also shot in there, too. Pinkie would NOT fire a cannon at anypony and risk hurting them 'Pirate' or no. She'd have panicked the first time a hole got punched into an opposing vessel.

4) Comma abuse. "hyperactive, pink, puffball"

5) Word choice.

A skull and crossbones had dawned it ever since that Nightmare Night when he had met Princess Luna herself.

6) When noting a character's thoughts, use italics... not bold or single quote marks. Single quote and italics tend to work best.

7) Word choice. On=One cannon fodder = cannon balls

On oddity was the cupcakes that flew in place of cannon fodder.


[Suggested Fixes]

This has the making of a cute story, but you'll need to take it over to Ponychan for review and to assist in fixing the issues noted above.

>>80488
DIIIIIIIIIIIBS~

I'll have a go at Rainbowderp's "Hearths Warming Eve." Shouldn't take much time, although it would help to have comments enabled.

So, been typing up a fic, figured I'd give it a shot.

Tags: [Normal][Drama][Sad]

Synopsis: David was a bit of an odd pony. His name, his mannerisms, his personality, all of it was a bit odd. But the main thing that was odd about him was how average he was at everything else. His blank flank was a testament to his average potential, a scar throughout his life. But as time went on, and as he experienced love, loss, and everything in between, his final breath was one in a long line that shook the world.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TL97eu_T3w6xV_4Ur4X6zxoEKNTPPysmqDM8UZmXUDI/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1

Comments: This is far from done, I still plan to go through the rest of his life from high school to adult career and whatnot, but absolutely any criticism will be greatly appreciated. This started off as a bet from my friend ($10 on the line) and I figured I might as well do a good job of it, so I'm putting a lot of effort into it.

>>80389
>>80412
>>80563
>>80660
Comments in doc.

Glad to see Apple Bloom get some attention.

There are still some areas that need richer development so they don't feel thin and rushed, and so they do a better job of showing. But then you already knew that.

The emotional climax of this chapter is set up well, but then it passes much too quickly. Draw it out with longer sentences and very detailed descriptions. You need to make my chest hurt here. I feel this is where AJ truly breaks, and I need to feel her world shattering.

Characters continue to be strongly drawn, except we don't get a whole lot from Apple Bloom yet. I know you're addressing that.

Still good so far!

As it is, you deserve full marks.

You wrote a novel -- impressive.
In a foreign language -- wow.
For school -- I- I really don't know what to say.

Your English is good enough that I have no problem understanding you. The only way you could be any better is if I couldn't tell you're not a native.

First person is a good idea. If you want to continue working on this story, go for it. It will only be a minor change anyway, mostly adding "I"s, since your narrator sticks to Notharam's thoughts.

I'll continue reading as time allows. You've got me hooked.

>>80907
I'm happy to hear that you like it enough to keep on reading. And I must say that I have grown found of the English language, even if I'm horrible at the grammar do I use it every day and have problems to keep my speeching to Swedish.

If you find it easier to read in gdoc do you have a link here, some people do and I did not think about that I had it; I can however not guarantee that it is updated as much as the one on fimfiction, even thou I'm pretty sure that it is. (Expect the epilogue, I think that might be some difference between the fimfic and gdoc, but I have not the time atm to fix that.)

http://derpy.me/I8ahg

Once again thank you for the review, will check it as soon as I have talked with my teacher this thursday.

>>79332

Alrighty. Let's do this. Ready to have your flaws generalized and presented in a considerably blunt way?

First off, tautologies. What are they? They're statements that, while worded differently, mean the exact same thing. Here's an example of me doing it:

>...his hair was matted and oily, his eyes were harrowed, but the immediate thing that struck me was the odor, so powerful that I felt an itch crawl up my nostrils.
>This man had been through rough times, it seemed.

The second sentence is a tautology. It expresses the exact same thing. You have a lot - a lot of this. Not only does it result in bloated sentences, it lessens the impact of the original descriptions. Wherever "r.d" has been marked, there you have a tautology.

Dialogue punctuation and capitalization, improve it you must. Have some copypasta:

>Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:
>"I did this," Eye said.
>"I did that," said Eye.
>"I feel itchy." Eye got up and scratched itself.
>"I feel itchy," Eye said, getting up to scratch itself.

You violate 2, e.g. "It's okay, Sooth." said Luna. Yes?

Thirdly, repetition of the word variety, as well as sentence structure. I've pointed out where this is so. Here's a quick fix for you: every two or three sentences or so, start the next one with an adjective or a perception. That's how I do it.

Fourthly, an extension about tautologies because this is important. You seem really keen on letting us readers know exactly what is going on with your characters. Noble, but it's just too much. This is where word choice, characterization and mood setting will help you out. You don't have to state "She did this with her eyebrows, and she felt this, and she spoke in this tone" because we can infer this for ourselves. Seriously, this is one of your biggest flaws. Readers love getting their imagination provoked, and you need to harness this.

Fifthly, double-tagging. It's a term I coined especially for you, and it's where you put action tags before and after dialogue.

>Star’s eyes widened and his smile erupted into a full fledged grin, being suddenly replaced with a faked cough. “Ah, yes, that sound’s like quite the fair trade off. I will agree to it!” he replied, his voice deepening as to falsify a serious tone.
This is an example. I've bolded the parts which are tags. As you can see, there are two of them.

The thing is, you do this for at least half of your dialogue if I'm not wrong. It's just so, so much.

>>79332
>>80924
This is the obligatory part where I tell you what you're doing right, so that you know why I've pointed out what I've pointed out.

Your characterization is getting to be very good. The immense angsty feel of the first chapter has, I suspect, resulted in a strong rally for the happier, more positive one here. Luna is coming off very nicely. Sooth's okay. Moonlight is finally explained, and Star's okay too.

Your word choice in some areas is lacking, but in others, you're doing very well. Every dialogue sentence that I read shows me more of the characterization. Maybe I'm quick like that, but I can grasp your ideas of "this is who X is" through the dialogue fairly well. That's why it riles me when there's so much other things in the way of it, e.g. tautologies, punctuation(!!).

Scene imagery is good. I thought, "do I remember scenes from the previous chapter?" and to my surprise I could, fairly well. Your descriptive style is both a curse and a blessing to your fic. It's strong but really unbalanced, where you apply immense detail to some things but omit others. Like, you describe tone of voice more than you describe physical sensations. Yes? You may want to pay attention to this.

Overall, you're coming across as a budding author. You've got the skills in some parts, but others need some work to make your fic brilliant. As it stands, it's 3~4/5 (because I really don't like your tautologies) with your 4.3~4.6/5 descriptive and characterization ability.

Keep up the good work!

...Where do I even begin? Perhaps I'll start by saying that problems with grammar (among other things) can be found in the Doc. I certainly won't be discussing them here.

At first, I thought it this was going to be a decent story. Decent opening, a few problems but nothing too serious. But then you go into flashback, and that's when things went downhill fast.

First of all, you don't write too much in the way of specifics, or stay in a setting for two long. You jump from one place to another, giving little detail that captures the imagination, or even my interest. It's all very rushed, which greatly detracts from any sort of engagement the reader could possibly have.

But then we get into the shipping part of the story. This, is where your story dies. This is where all potential gets sucked up, leaving behind a dry, miserable husk. The romance you have presented here is more contrived than a Disney princess's. Practically no build-up, the two characters practically hit it off from the start. It's worse than Moulin Rouge I say!

This wretchedness is further compounded by the lazy writing you use to describe the scenes. You made repeated Sonic Rainbooms boring to read about. That's very, very bad! And with the exception of one line that made me laugh uncontrollably over how bad it was, I wound up not caring about anything towards the end. Just more unimaginative, boring shipping stock.

I first came into this thread as a reviewer of hopes and optimism and puppydog smiles where any fic I pick up holds promise, however reading yours has reminded me of the harsh reality of being a reviewer and promptly crushed these ideals. I thank you, for letting come to this realization before I wound up reviewing an even worse piece of fiction.

I've been mostly harsh for most of this review, so I'll show some mercy with this advice: Restart from basics. Keep the opening scene, and make up a new, more believable, and certainly more interesting story. There is some hope with this premise, but otherwise what you have here is bad.

>>80895

I'm board so I guess I'm going to give this a review

[Dark] [Adventure] [Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: A young unicorn inherits the estate of his birthplace after the passing of his father and enfeeblement of his mother. Socially inept yet brilliant in his studies the stallion devotes his time to the histories of the arcane and cultures long past. A mysterious weathered package arrives one day carrying a symbol he has never seen before. From these events he begins to unravel a mystery that will question the very history of Equestria.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8590/Ties-That-Bind

>>80895

I've made comments in the doc, there's lots of them at first, but less near the end.

So...

First thing first. Are you a native English speaker? If so, when you edit your story, read it out loud. A lot of your sentences sound awkward or have strange word choices.

Read up a bit on parallelism in sentence structure and how clauses modify words so that you can place them better in your sentences.

You tend to have a paragraph of speech phasing in and out of speaking and describing reactions. Take a look at some of the stories on Equestria Daily to see how they do the dialog. The writer's omnibus would also be good to look at. Try to condense the non dialog parts together.

On to the story itself.

I hope David is not a self insert character because I really don't like him and I don't want to not like you. He doesn't come off as average so much as he does passionless and even a bit mean. It's one thing being quiet and shy, but it is another thing to bite someone's head off when they are trying to apologize. It's not a whole lot, but first impressions are important.

Sing Song, however, I enjoyed.

Tag wise I would say its more slice of life than drama or sad, but its also just the first chapter. However, if I had gone in wanting to read a sad story, you would have lost me as a reader.

The big problem is your introduction / prologue. Most people are going to stop reading at that. It's an OC story, so already you are fighting a losing battle for most readers and need to give them a really good reason to read your story.

Your intro basically tells us 'David is an average and boring character. Now we are going to spend the rest of the story learning about the character.'

Why would people want to keep reading after this?

This more than anything else needs to be reworked. If I had to take a guess, I would say that you liked your intro, but it really needs to be axed. Start us off with a reason to read your story. Perhaps start us off in an interesting part of David's life. Your story description certainly seems to imply that there will be interesting bits in his life.

The intro also exhibits another problem in your story. You tell us a lot of stuff, when it would be more interesting for us to see it ourselves. You could write the story without ever saying that David is average, yet have us convinced of that fact. I am not the best at 'show not tell' myself. But the MLP community seems to be big on wanting to see this.

Read up a bit on this, but if you have more questions, let me know. I didn't comment much on it in the doc, because its all over the place.

The other problem with telling us stuff is that I don't buy it. You tell me that David is average, but I don't see the supporting evidence at pointing to that. Look at Fluttershy. We have no reason to believe she did well in school. We know she was/is a mediocre flier and probably not good at any sports. Her shyness meant that she wouldn't have had a big role in any plays. Yet she is definitely not average. Yet, from how you try and to convince us that David is average, you would also be saying that Fluttershy is average.

To summarize:
- decent basic writing, but need to read up on the finner points.
- need to restructure some of the dialog.
- I didn't like David
- Show not tell
- You don't sell your story or David well
- Need to completly redo your intro or most people will stop there.

>>80924
Review acknowledged!

First of all, thank you so much for taking your time to review my fic! I really appreciate it :]

Now, onto things.

Tautologies. I’ve never heard that term before and wasn’t actually aware of it. Now that I am I can at least watch out for them in my own writing. I can see how that’s something I could fall into without knowing it. Why don’t they ever teach you this stuff in school? Hm.

Dialogue punctuation: I am at least aware about this. It’s a bad habit of mine, because I actually had no idea the “,” she said/exclaimed/etc rule existed until a couple weeks ago. I’m in process of fixing it within my writing, but I appreciate you pointing it out.

Sentence structure isn’t actually something I actively think about while writing, and it’s unfortunate that it doesn’t seem to bother me as I read through my own work. I appreciate you pointing it out and giving me a tip how to fix it. I’ll definitely keep that in mind the next time I write.

Next:
>You don't have to state "She did this with her eyebrows, and she felt this, and she spoke in this tone.
Hmm. Well then I need to get right on fixing this. Generally this is the way that I want to show the readers something. I don’t really know much of what’s going to be implied. So, I can remedy this with scene setting and mood and word choice and such, right? I guess those are the things I need to improve on then? Or is it simply that I’ve added too much to everything? I’ll put these tips especially into my note of “stuff to keep in mind while writing. What should I do *instead* of explain physical reactions, or go through mental processes? I know those arent the only things but often I resort to them because they’re easy ways of showing, and I certainly don’t want to just have Luna “suddenly realize” things.

Double tagging: I’ll keep that in mind. I assume this goes along with Tautologies, except I just do it around dialogue. Too much at once, perhaps. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

I appreciate the compliments! I’m glad to hear that I’m doing some things right. Some have called my style purple, and it can get excessive but personally I like the extra description. I just feel like I need work finding other outlets of describing things.

How would you describe physical sensations without just using “felt”

eg.
“Luna turned her head, feeling sick to her stomach at the sight before her.” I feel like if I did that too much it would be bad as well, if not even worse because I straight up tell you she feels sick. If I describe how she acts you can infer how she’s reacting, I guess is my thought process for it.
Thanks for the compliments and everything. Once again, I really do appreciate your help. I will definitely work on describing things more than once, redundantly. This is my first fic ever, and my first piece of fiction, so I figure I’m not as bad off as I could be. Thanks!

>>81022
>Hmm. Well then I need to get right on fixing this. Generally this is the way that I want to show the readers something. I don’t really know much of what’s going to be implied. So, I can remedy this with scene setting and mood and word choice and such, right?
More like, scene setting & co. will do the work for you. You're strong enough in these areas; let your strengths shine through.

>Or is it simply that I’ve added too much to everything?
This one.

>What should I do *instead* of explain physical reactions, or go through mental processes? I know those arent the only things but often I resort to them because they’re easy ways of showing, and I certainly don’t want to just have Luna “suddenly realize” things.
>How would you describe physical sensations without just using “felt”
It's achieving a balance between both. Personally, I go for 1/3 physical, 1/3 mental processes and 1/3 nothing (which is letting the scene setting etc. do the work). What you have is "Luna _" all the time. Variations would be, e.g., "A smile eased itself across her face", "Her eyes flared", "Her skin suddenly felt warm", "Her stomach turned over on itself as she _" -

All of these don't mention mood or thought directly, but you can imply as much from 1) the word choice 2) your personal experiences with them.

>Thanks for the compliments and everything. Once again, I really do appreciate your help. I will definitely work on describing things more than once, redundantly. This is my first fic ever, and my first piece of fiction, so I figure I’m not as bad off as I could be. Thanks!
Sure thing! You're definitely on the right track, I can tell you that.

>>81017
Thanks for the feedback. Honestly, I wanted to freshen up the story a bit, adding more to the story before submitting it here or anywhere for critique so I'd have a better chunk of the story in my head, as it would have answered some of your questions. But my friends (obviously) said it'd be good enough anyway to send off, so I figured whatever, critique is critique. To address some of your critiques;

Yes, I am a native English speaker, so it might be the way I just imagine it in my head. I read the omnibus thing from Equestria Daily, though I guess I thought the way I set it up I figured it still followed that. I never have more than one person speak in any given paragraph, so I thought it more as a continuous dialogue with descriptions in between.

I am also a bit worried that I'm making David a self insert and I am definitely trying to avoid that as best I can. In some ways he does reflect me but I try to put in aspects that make sense with the character with other things that I take from my life. I do agree that I made him a bit more passionless rather than shy and introverted, probably just going a bit too far in the direction. Maybe made him a bit too adult too early in his life. The specific reason why I chose OC characters rather than canon ones was so that I would be able to craft my own personality and history without having to mess up other characters, and also for somewhat ethical reasons. I'd rather create my own character reflecting the needs of the story rather than shapeshift an existing one to fit it. (for the record, David is not my name, just one I thought up of). And just now after reading your comments, I think I found a way out of him being less likable by expanding in the school setting, so thanks for that. Hopefully I'll be able to adjust his personality a bit more at this point. I'll be writing out various points in his life, so in essence I would be writing different versions of the same character, so I think I might need to just make him a bit more innocent before delving into some bitterness.

For the tags, I just gave what was available there, and later on it might be sad for some people, but I suppose it's better to tag what is in the chapter itself rather than what will be.

The intro is a bit iffy in retrospect, but in regards to his averageness I see it more as him blending in the background, whereas someone like Fluttershy wouldn't as her extreme shyness and her way with animals make her stand out. David has yet to discover what makes him stand out, and for reasons that will hopefully be delved into later (though again, I should concentrate on what I have now), it does take up a bigger part of him later. His average nature is sort of his specialness. Rather than focusing on what makes him unique, I need to focus on what makes him average (which is what makes him unique...huh...) which is a bit difficult to do, but should be interesting.

Again, thanks for the critique. Nobody really likes having their work put down, but it is a necessary process to make it better in the end, so I appreciate it all the same.

Here is some more on that star wars fic i've been working on. I think I've finally figured out a steadt way to do it, so here it is.

The Stars and the Ponies
Edmar Fecler
[email protected]
sci-fi, crossover, adventure

Synopsis: A Jedi from a far, far away place is left stranded on the pony's planet after an accidental jump to light speed. But the longer he stays the more he discovers about them and their planet, and vice versa. Secrets are revealed, bonds are made, and adventures are on the horizon.


Chapter 1: Part 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DmTh7yAFjBAyslzKym4JUjj18crNeA0BaeJqFj9EjJI/edit

Tags: Star Wars, ponies, Jedi, long


The prelude is done, but anyone who is interested in looking it up can find it here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8254/1/The-Stars-and-the-Ponies-/Prelude-

Hello.

I've been working on this story for just about three months now and I'm looking for assistance since I would like to put it onto EqDa, however they have stated that it needs significant editting before so (the rest at the bottom) and I am looking for assistance in doing so, as well as to improve on my faults and problems while also correcting any other errors in my writing style

Athlon2736.

1) I am Athlon2736 and I would like to be contacted at [email protected] so I can access the reveiws or information easier and on a constant basis.
2)The Three Souls
3) [Sad] [Adventure]
4) Celestia is the Sun, the eldest of the sisters.
Luna is the Moon, the youngest of the sisters.

But there's still all the other Gods. Death, War, Weather, Oceans.... and loads more...

The Sun, the Earth and the Moon.

So if the two sisters are there... Wheres the Earth.
5) http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3176/The-Three-Souls
Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e84LzqM62Ki7jDLThD_tK6gTGqQ99wSTqsiZ9N60zcs/edit?hl=en_US
6) I would like to have Chapter One through ten Examined, though I will most likely come here with 11-15 when they get done....
7) I have no one in particular that I would like to request.

Equestria daily comment to request to being accepted onto the page.

Dear author,

Thank you for your submission, but Equestria Daily is not able to accept it as it stands. Please find an editor on Ponychan or elsewhere that can assist you with improving the grammar, phrasing, and word choice in your work. This story needs significant editing before we could consider it for posting.

-Prereader E


I am doing this mainly for the readers on fimfiction.net as well as my personal growth.
THANK YOU TO WHO EVER READS MY STORY...

-hands you a baseball bat and a warhammer- Do as you see fit. I need the help...

>>80389
>>80412
>>80563
>>80660
>>80903
Comments in doc.

Good revision to include Apple Bloom in chapter 3. It was handled well.

Characterizations remain strong and believable.

The only gripe I have in this chapter is a reprise of a few longer back-and-forth conversations with very little happening other than the speaking. While dialogue is an effective way to convey emotion, it's not the only way. I've already been over the other ways to do this in a conversation. It's best to find a nice balance between several of these methods. If the narrator's not communicating emotion as well, he doesn't seem invested in the story, and the reader won't be either. There is a fine line to be drawn to keep the narrator from becoming too tell-y or from relating his own emotions, however.

I also trust that you're learning a lot from this process. Making this particular story better isn't the real point. The biggest thing you can get out of this is the knowledge to avoid these mistakes in the future.

On to the last chapter! Will post tomorrow or Thursday.

Tags: [Sad][Slice of Life][Minor Grimdark][Friendshipping]

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash wasn't always the confident mare that she is today. As a filly, she was a rather sensitive pony. When tragedy strikes and Rainbow Dash has to deal with the difficult events that arise, will Fluttershy's support and her own strength of will be enough to cope with her new life?

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZWZtFAT04Bj9p1a60F1ni4_CBl1hx1qLU6uWkcmuFx0/edit

Comments: This is just the first chapter, so Slice of Life is the only applicable tag. Chapter 1 serves as a canon tie-in as well as a scene-setter for Rainbow Dash's current lifestyle. Chapter 2 will likely serve a similar role, but focus more on her home life and friendships rather than her school life.

>>79249

Note for the maintainers: the GDoc still has a bunch of Isphone's comments. I've emailed the author to tell him/her about this; I'll give him/her until next Monday to resolve as many/little of them as he/she likes, and then I'll get to looking at it.

>>81042
I think I'm going to claim this one. It's been a while since I've reviewed something, and since I've been shopping my story around forever I figured I'd do my bit.
Plus, Star Wars is kinda my field of expertise, y'know? Lightsideluc'n'all.

>>81042
This review is too long for Ponychan to handle, so it'll be split into two parts.
Right, let's begin.

Let's keep the mechanics portion short:
Punctuation: Lackluster. Numerous run-ons, missing punctuation marks at the end of dialogue, other assorted flubs.
Grammar: Haphazard capitalization and several misspelt words.
Style/Plot: The highpoint of this story. Telly, but not tear-inducingly so. A decent amount of backstory is established, but it feels shoehorned-in as opposed to being introduced organically. I can figure out what you're trying to convey, but the numerous logic leaps, OOC moments and Plot-Movers (tm) bring me completely out of the story. This story could be good, but the critical lack of polish and your inattention to details keeps it firmly rooted in "meh" territory.

4/10

I remember this thing. It was posted a while ago, wasn't it? Anyways, here's what I got from the prelude: Equestria was destroyed. Great, another grimdark Equestria-burnt-to-ashes story. I'll just toss it into this pile here...
Granted, it's not Equestira-Equestria, but it's the same difference.

I won't bother citing the mistakes in this part since it's a prelude. Preludes are the easy way out for a writer who can't convey information in the normal exposition, and I honestly can't see why Celestia herself couldn't explain all of that during the story. Granted, one of my stories has a prelude, too, but I don't like it either, so I think I'm covered on the hypocrisy side of things.

Moving on to the actual story...

First of all, let me tsk you for not enabling anon comments. It's easy to do and it really helps you and your reviewer (believe me, I get a lot of comment-fixes on my stories).
Tsk, tsk.
There, done.

Next up, the title. It's like a your creative lightbulb lit up, then immediately burnt out. "The Stars and the Ponies." That's like calling a Micheal Bay movie "Boobs and Explosions, the Sequel".
Chances are that movie would set another new earnings record, but I digress, it's not particularly eye-catching or interesting. You 'ought to rethink your title.

In the same vein, your synopsis is rather bland and uninspired. There are hundreds like it. Put some pizzaz into it, make it unique. If it wasn't for the Star Wars element I would've passed this by faster than the salad bar at a buffet. Your main issue is that it's too vague. Don't be afraid to give away some minor plot details in it if that means having a good hook.

Right, so you're clearly establishing this story as taking place during the rebellion.
>Jedi Knight Joseph McAllister
That right there completely invalidates your story. Canon (and we're disregarding AU/EU here) says that all of the Jedi were killed except for Yoda and Obi-Wan. Then there's the fact that, simply put, his name doesn't sound anything like Jedi's name. Instead, it sounds like some Scottish drunk's. Let's test this, shall we?
"Use the force, Joeseph McAllister!"
"Ach, come on Joeseph! No self-respectin' McAllister would pass out after only five keggers!"
>Picture semi-related
Now, you may disagree and say the names don't matter, but when it comes to something as iconic as the Jedi, they do. When I read his name, I don't put it along with the likes of Luke Skywalker or Yoda. If this was a parody it would be great, like Jesus' brother Bob, but if you want to write a serious story that will be taken seriously, you'd best put some serious thought into how you want to name your characters. The reader is stuck looking at it for the next several tens of thousands of words, so it's in your best interest to make it interesting and roll off the tongue. Joeseph McAllister is neither of these things.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that's your real name. Every other character in your story sounds like they could be from the Star Wars universe, but Mr. McAllister here stands out like a Bothan spy in a clown suit trying (unsuccessfully) to mingle with Imperial Grand Admirals.

> The Hope, a retired Guardian-class light cruiser, floated lazily at the edge of an asteroid field awaiting the arrival of an Imperial vessel.
So... what you're saying is that this asteroid field is waiting for an Imperial ship?

>“So Captain, are you sure this plan of yours will work? I mean, what if it’s the wrong kind of ship,”
You got the first half right, at least. What happened to the question mark at the end of that sentence? What, was there shortage of them and you had to cut back? I'm just cruising and yet this stuck out like a sore thumb. If you're going to get people to review this, you at least need to hold up your end of the bargin and pre-read.

>He was right. After almost twenty years of knowing him, Quincy could not think of a single time that McAllister had been wrong. Not that he could ever be wrong. Being a Jedi, he’s told the future plenty of times before; quite accurately.
Wrong.
If Yoda and Obi-Wan, both jedi masters, could not clearly discern the future, why is this lowly knight able to do it so well? This is ignoring the fact that, even at the height of their power, the jedi's ability to predict the future was tenuous at best. We're now at DefSue Yellow.
Oh, and this sentence's structure is awkward. Random semi-colon is random.

Cont. in next post.

Cont. from last post...

>“Captain, I’m detecting an Imperial vessel exiting hyperspace. Scans indicate that her shields are down and that her weapons are not activated.”
So, let me get this straight: A vessel belonging to the Imperials--a paranoid military government that is currently at war with a guerilla force that relies on subterfuge and sabotage--jumps into system to save a ship of unconfirmed origins without any defensive or offensive systems in place? Not likely.

And now he's missing an arm. In a universe that has the kind of technology to easily replace such debilitating wounds.

There is no such word as "Alright".

When has the Empire ever been the benevolent type? They don't just send out ships to fix random breakdowns. At the very least, they'd try to extort the captain or threaten to leave it to drift. Suspension of Disbelief reactors going critical...

Commander Griggs: Battle-hardened mercenary, widow-maker, dream-crusher, complete pansy when Gary St-... er, Joeseph McAllister walks in.

THEY'RE LETTING THEM ONTO THEIR SHIP!? This isn't the Empire, not by a long-shot. Even worse, the
"Imperials" don't even bother doing a pat-down of the people boarding their ship. Canada has tighter security than these goons.

>Hidden blaster rifles
You can't just slide a rifle into the belt loop of your space-jeans, y'know?
Imperial: Is that a blaster rifle down your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Commando: Er... Happy to see you?
Imperial: *Blushes* Aw, shucks. Get going, you sweet-talker, you. I'll see you later
Commando: O_o

>Just a flesh wound
Don't you bring Monty Python into this.

Oh, for...
They sent an entire Star Destroyer to help one random ship.
Let's fix that dialogue...
“Attention, crew of the Attentive. This is Captain Ozric Demona of the Plot Device."

Ok, so, this guy is a Jedi, protector of the galaxy, paragon of righteousness, blah-blah-blah, correct?
So explain this: "If anyone says a word, I swear I will gun you down where you stand. Alpha Squad, Shoot anyone who moves”
This isn't Han-freaking-Solo (actually, the story would probably benefit from him being the lead), this is supposed to be a level-headed guy who's trying to bring peace and order to the universe. Aggressive negotiations, indeed.

~The Navigation System is in a slave-circuit to the, Hyperdrive~
That makes no sense for any number of reasons. I mean, you'd think something as critical and complex as a Hyperdrive unit would have multiple redundancies in place to keep it from killing everyone. You introduce the Star Destroyer, yet in the end it serves absolutely no purpose since the Hyperdrive jumps by itself. Why doesn't the Star Destroyer catch onto the ruse and they're forced to jump with a faulty HD? It gives the SD a reason to be there and is far more plausible than the HD seemingly gaining sentience.

It took a moment for the Jedi to recover from the initial impact. “Just Where exactly are we?”
~Wheee, double capitalization~
Did you even send this through MSWord? Even Open Office would recognize a word that wasn't supposed to be capitalized, I think.

And so ends the main analysis of the plot. Diagnosis: You have major issues with your story's credibility. You should probably go back to the drawing board and brush up your SW lore; completely mangling the canon in your opening scene is enough to put off just about any major SW fan.

Honestly, you spat on the face of canon. Either move your setting's time to before or after the Empire (before--probably during the Clone Wars--would be best, unless you're well-read on the EU with Luke resurrecting the Jedi Order), or your entire story is untenable. Alternatively, you could change the protagonist to be a force-sensative smuggler or something and have him learn the force/magic in Equestria, thereby opening up a world of possibilities for character development. Besides being named a Jedi Knight and a passing mention of force-visions in your story, he doesn't actually show any abilities. He doesn't even act like a jedi. You can pass off his precognitive abilities as him simply having lucky hunches.

Also, you should scale back the number of characters in your story. A small ship, a group of three to five companions at most, should be your focus, then have a single antagonist (and maybe a helper) with a bunch of faceless mooks to throw at them. A story like this is going to be driven by the characters, I'd think, and to do that you need to narrow your focus a bit.

As a final note, be aware that this was a quick review, during which I pruposefully ignored the myriad of awkward sentences and less destructive plot inconsistencies. If you want your story to succesfully meld these two universes together, you're looking at a potential re-write. As is, it's coming off as a self-insert wish-fulfillment story that didn't study its source material and was written in one pass. Which, I should mention, is perfectly serviceable for fanfiction.net, but if you're here I'm assuming you're trying to do a bit better than that.

And as any Star Wars fan knows, you need One More Pass (but preferably two or three, if you actually care about crafting a solid story). Go back and edit this.

>>81141
This does have ponies in it, right?

Tags: [Dark]

Synopsis: While out in the Everfree forest, Fluttershy stumbles upon a mysterious young pegasus.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gYP_kt4s-J9_Ir7m4r2IcgJv72GMx2EA02N5rz4pzrI/edit

Comments/Requests:
Not really a lot to add. I guess my main concern is whether or not I've portrayed Fluttershy's character correctly.

>>80754
Tags:[shipping][slice of life][adventure]


Rainbow Dash finally did it! A sonic rainboom on command! Except she also managed to break every window in Applejack's farmhouse in the process. Now she has to pay for each one, and with her wages from managing the weather not nearly enough to cover the damage, she has to work on Applejack's farm for two whole weeks!
Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Still, maybe it wouldn't be all bad. At least she would get to hang out with her friend AJ right? Wrong.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4686/At-Home-on-the-Range

I've already got a pre-reader, so more concept advice/ general opinions on what I have so far (ch 1-3) is what I'm after if y'all don't mind. I'm not even sure if I did this right, as I am new to all things ponychan. fingers crossed!

Hey guys. You haven't seen me in a while.

I'm feeling like, pretty bummed out every time I try to write something. I'm actually considering permanently shelving both my works (Spirits of Harmony and Fire and Shadow) because of two major problems that I encounter whenever I try to write them.

The first one is anxiety about existing work. I look back at stuff I've written and find that I hate it. Phrasing seems awkward, dialogue seems clunky and stiff and I find myself disheartened at continuing a story I feel to be self-evidently sub-standard, even though other people have often told me my writing's high above average.

The second one is anxiety over the core concept of the piece itself. "People are going to think the entire concept of the work is stupid and hate it", I say to myself. And the more I think about it, the less I I can convince myself that, in fact, this isn't true.

How, if I can fix this, can I fix this?

Claim
>>81147 Shy of the Night

D'awww.

First impression: it's really pretty, but needs help with the prose. Also, you want to know if bestpony is in character.

>>81142
The prelude does, but preludes don't count, so no. The first chapter ends with them in orbit above Equestria, so I'd assume that there'll be ponies in the next one.

>>81168

We all go through a stage like this. What I'm doing is letting my ideas just sit and bounce around. I'm not actually writing.

Another thing you could do is lend a hand someplace else, such as reviewing and see if that stirs anything in the brain. Don't worry, it'll go away... eventually.

You could try having a rotation. Sit down and focus on one story. Move the other story to the back of your mind and come back to it after you finish a chapter or two of your current story. I've found that that works pretty well.

[adventure][sad]
Twilight spots a mysterious pony who she recognizes from a museum exhibit, which would be all well and good if the exhibit weren't a wanted poster. She immediately contacts the Princess, and is surprised when Celestia makes a secret trip to Ponyville so she can meet with this pony. Once Twilight brings him back to the library, where the Princess waits, she finds out his name is Asgard, and that he and the Princess have a long history (no shipping is done in this story), but they haven't seen each other since Luna was banished. So Asgard, bitter about what has transpired between them, tells the story of Discord's original rule over Equestria, the fall of the Alicorns, and Luna's banishment, making it clear he blames Celestia for how wrong everything went. The story ends with Asgard saying he has yet to forgive her, but that he is beginning to find peace.

Chapter 1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KHAbcdnkgigzLJcBGa-Gi_dweZ2EXEEfs5tAz5ykDgg/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 2 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pqOcIOoRQT4E2fVF5UKR7xrQ6mweFgSAyXp7NvIWpPo/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 3 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z5J9y6Fn9zXDowMOOXm04TjR70wc5cHI8tYveltCYbw/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 4 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/15d0cFfv-fGfo_x8Elh4LCv55Yj_PFOS1Nt2qc7fkLq0/edit?hl=en_US
Chapter 5 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J7OT02TtTRAglIFlS4tUeODvZrRUIu4CF-53oZHwBJc/edit?hl=en_US

>>81192

I looked at the synopsis and just have to point out several things.

1. The alicorns never fell. If they had, Princess Celestia wouldn't be ruling.

2. Your tags tell us that there isn't any shipping. (If there was, there would be a shipping tag) You don't have to assure us of this fact.

3. You ruined the ending! NOOOOOOO!!!! Whelp... there goes a perfectly good story <.<

Yup, you might want to rethink that synopsis, delete this post and resubmit.

Synopsis: After the Cutie Mark Crusaders embark on an innocent adventure, Scootaloo and Applebloom have gone missing, and a large, dark sphere has taken their place. When Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and the Alicorns are summoned to investigate, they soon realize this sphere is far more dangerous than it appears when they discover that the Elements of Harmony are ineffective against it. Twilight Sparkle must search for a way to destroy the sphere as it consumes her friends one by one as it continues to grow larger and engulf all of Ponyville.

Links:
Part1: Chapters 1-6:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_RTY3Pr1i8zKljxiHeQSET_5aVzg0g-4gl4g49y6lo/edit
I would like all six listed chapters reviewed.

Comments/requests:
The Equestria Daily Pre-Readers said:
Extensive comma abuse, Scootaloo is over the top in her personality, massive walls of text create a ”Show vs. Tell” problem, lack of separation between narrating paragraphs and character paragraphs, word repetitions, none of the ponies care when Dr. Whooves dies, and Rainbow Dash performs a Sonic Rainboom too easily.

I need serious help with the “Show vs. Tell” scenario. I feel the writing associated with “Showing” is very unnatural; I cannot convince myself to write in that style, though I have attempted my own variation. I tried to trim the story of its commas, but some of the sentences may be in disarray as a result. I'd appreciate any help I can get, especially for chapters 3-6. Just as a warning, this part is quite long.

Title: Stairway to Equestria

Author: Alexaroth

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Adventure] [Romance] [HiE]

Synopsis: Suddenly his life ends, all too unfair. He sees the light, but entrance is denied.
He thus chooses to disobey Death and ends up in a world he never though he'll see with his own eyes.
Is this a new chance, a dream, or is his soul trapped between different worlds ?
One thing is certain: He will never stop living . . .

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5785/Stairway-to-Equestria

I wish for a review for all chapters (4 chapters + prologue = 21k words).

Side note: This will not be a journal type HIE story, as some will probably assume from the first chapter. I assure you that this is a proper adventure fic.

Thanks a lot for your attention !

Title: The Price of Grace (Chapter 2) [was "Grace" before]
Author: Sparkle
Tags: Sad, Drama, Dark
Word count: ca. 14k

Synopsis:
As the years pass by, Princess Celestia's thoughts go back to her and her sister Luna's early days: their childhood and their eventual falling apart. Is redemption still possible? A tale of growing up, loss, and first and foremost, grace.

__

Demetrius did a great review of the first chapter. I'm looking for an opinion on the second one, too. I'm looking mostly for overall impressions, not line-level or anything, more of a zoomed-out view. Characterisation is also of interest to me.
Also, why is my story so unpopular? Is it too subtle, too long, too boring? Or is it just plain bad? I hope a neutral reviewer can explain that.

Thanks so much!

Link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/6975/2/The-Price-of-Grace/Truth-in-Our-Hearts

>>81205
I would love to delete it, but the password I used doesn't seem to be working. As an explanation, by 'fall of the alicorns' I meant 'why there are only two left'. Thank you for correcting me on the other to points though, I've never done anything like this before.

>>81211
Over 3800 readers, 4.7 stars? Unpopular? Most people who drift through here would kill for those numbers. 4.7 stars at EqD too. Don't get what the problem is. You're not getting a lot of comments for the traffic, but, hey, I've got that issue too.

>>81168
Yeah, being a writer is often lonely, deprecating, and difficult work. You'll always look back on everything you write, slapping yourself for ever thinking that that was somehow good dialog. The best anyone can really do is develop thick skin, not only against critics, but against yourself as well as often times you are your own worst critic. Best advice is really to just keep writing. If halfway you think the story you're making sucks, just try to look at it from another angle and keep writing. If it's not salvageable, just move on to the next thing and keep writing. All writers have come to a point where they just hate everything they do, and it is difficult to get out of that cycle. But you can always learn from your trials and errors.

>>81242
I think that writing can be compared with, say, exercise-heavy sports. Your brain is a muscle after all. So, any time you do it again and again over a short period of time... you just lose heart. You get mentally tired. If you press yourself, you can get into a funk where you just hate everything you have done.

It's important to realize that whatever it is you think in that 'funk-y' period isn't really a far assessment of your abilities. Wait on things, and then look back with fresher eyes.

>>81168
>anxiety about existing work. I look back at stuff I've written and find that I hate it.
That's natural for any budding author. It only shows that you've grown since then.

>The second one is anxiety over the core concept of the piece itself. "People are going to think the entire concept of the work is stupid and hate it", I say to myself. And the more I think about it, the less I can convince myself that, in fact, this isn't true.
Pshaw, you're writing firstly for yourself, for the enjoyment of telling your story. Besides, the internet's hueg and I'm sure somewhere, there are readers that like the idea (and have told you so).

As of what you can do now, you could adopt a rotation system like Lunar suggested - either bounce between your main and a list of short story ideas, or reviewing - to keep yourself in writing gear.

>>81247
I've always had a fascination with writing, but to be honest I am only now really trying to dig my teeth into the practice. I promised myself that no matter what I would finish my fic (Mark of the World if you're interested), so this is a learning experience for me to really get the motivation to go through with what I want to do. I have a dozen different ideas that I hope to fully explore and expand on through different mediums in future careers, and writing out anything from a script to a flow-chart with plot points or character motivations really helps you know what needs work and how to organize your story.

It is a good idea to take a break every now and again, but I would always keep something in mind about your stories, whether it's about a character or how you're describing a chair or something.

>>81277
That is very true, writers should first and foremost write for themselves because if they're not pleased with the results then it's just pointless. With the internet nowadays, people always want to get that extra star or those extra couple of views to the point where most of us don't really have a bar for what we consider "people like it" since we just want everyone to see it (it is world wide after all). But, one also must keep their own preferences in check and try to see through their stories with clear eyes to get the best results for everyone in the end.

>>81168
I'd just like to say that I'm feeling almost the exact same way. I would, however, like you to take a look at this wonderful thread: >>37741 It has been around since August and has garnered some amazing responses. I don't see your name in it though ;-)

Think back to the original reasons why you wanted to write. Not why you wanted to write the stories, but the desire to write in itself.

> I never get tired of this image.

>>81277
>Pshaw, you're writing firstly for yourself, for the enjoyment of telling your story.

Oh god no, that's not why I write at all. I never write for myself - not directly anyway. I already know all about my ideas and the subtexts and symbolisms behind them. I gain nothing from writing them down except having them in a more collected and collated format. I already live in the brain that has these ideas. I write them for other people to enjoy, and my ideas are worthless to me (except as escapism) if they don't entertain others.

STATS: 39 UNCLAIMED FICS, 20 current reviews, 10 reviews in progress
Wow, things got a bit pile-y in the sheet while I was gone. Kk, going through the thread from where I last finished a thread sweep and saved a placemarker...wait, it's all the way back at >>79235...FFFFFFFUUUUUUU

Well I did it, but I don't know why. And I am impressed. You maintainers are good at keeping track of everything. I only found two missed fics, and they were near the end. But damn, I think this is the absolute biggest the queue has ever gotten. I think now would be as good a time as any to close the thread and work through the queue, but it's ultimately up to all you guys (i.e. if a concensus can be reached).

Maybe we could do like we did with Nameless Edition and close the thread / not re-make it when it autosages, powering through the unclaimed fics and contacting authors all awesome-like.

And now, a few more things I'd like to convey to maintainers:
• Every once and a while run a find-and-replace as follows: every instance of #i7 with #7 and every instance of #i8 to #8 (whatever the last numeral in the post number is) in order to make permalinks correct. Easy peasy.
• Can we, at the end of each thread, remind everyone who hasn't already to email people who haven't responded to reviews (every reviewer does so for their respective author)? It's just so that they are alerted to the work done an help given, and know the reviews exist.
• Items in the "Old Entries" sheet may be shuffled off to the Queue Archive at the start of each new thread. The purpose of the Archive is to keep a record for just-in-case permalinks to old reviews, so that it's easier to search out old posts and reviews. But also, however, it's nice to have to look back at and admire. Moreover, its purpose is to keep the Old Entries sheet a manageable size. A while back I un-locked the Archive sheet so that anyone who's a maintainer may edit and thus add entries. This time, I've takent he liberty of doing the necessary move.

Reviews currently in progress
Sparky || 12/29/2011 || In Fragments || James Corck || >>74834
Kurbz || 12/30/2011 || Flying High, Falling Hard || soundslikeponies || >>74994
Grif || 1/7/2012 || Whiplash || Molotov Cocktail || >>76726
Anendlessepidemic || 1/10/2012 || Legend of the Five Ponies || Simon o'Sullivan || >>77208
AidanMaxwell || 1/11/2012 || Good Night! {WIP} || Takeshi Ashirogi || >>77365
Uma || 1/15/2012 || The Rise of Harmony || SpaceKing || >>78010
Filler || 1/15/2012 || Fallout Equestria: Duel || Pacce of the Many Mustaches || >>78200
Casca || 1/21/2012 || Skating Lessons || Sonic Rainblast || >>79249
AidanMaxwell || 1/28/2012 || "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is." || SpilledInk || >>80488
Eustatian || 2/1/2012 || Shy of the Night || Kirdus || >>81147

Reviews that the respective authors probably haven't seen yet:
CartoonGeld || >>74716 || 12/29/2011 || 12/16/2011 || Faux || Hue Heart || >>72019
Inky Notebook || >>75280 || 12/31/2011 || 12/26/2011 || The Rise of Harmony || SpaceKing || >>74021
Roan || >>75348 || 1/1/2012 || 12/26/2011 || The Magnetic Republic || Nemislayer, CrimsontheWolf, CCZeroFire || >>74109
Simon o' Sullivan || >>76762 || 1/7/2012 || 12/30/2011 || The Adventures of Sherclop Pones || writer || >>75018
Roan || >>75265 || 12/31/2011 || 12/31/2011 || The Minecrafters Tale of Equestria || Roland || >>75174
Filler* || indoc || 1/15/2012 || 1/15/2012 || Red Sky's Destiny || Roastbeezy || >>78145
Warden || >>78132 || 1/15/2012 || 1/10/2012 || The outing at Canterlot || Leochingu || >>77255
Eustatian || >>80824 || 1/30/2012 || 1/11/2012 || Chimes In the Dark || Faindragon || >>77371
Dromer || >>78190 || 1/14/2012 || 1/11/2012 || Shadows of Scipio || einsUNDcolt || >>77388
Simon o'Sullivan || >>77907 || 1/14/2012 || 1/11/2012 || Neighboorhood Watch Anonymous || Holo || >>77412
Simon o'Sullivan || >>78509 || 1/17/2012 || 1/11/2012 || S.O.S. Foal Detectives || Specter Von Baren || >>77442
Pascoite || >>78276 || 1/16/2012 || 1/11/2012 || This ugly yet beautiful world || Finesthour || >>77446
Demetrius || >>80133 || 1/17/2012 || 1/17/2012 || Spike's Errands || Anonymous || >>78212
ComradeRarity/Cheezesauce || >>80133 || 1/26/2012 || 1/17/2012 || Unnatural Weather || RandomPinkPie || >>78495
Sapidus3 || >>80491 || 1/28/2012 || 1/17/2012 || The Forgotten Land || Steptroll || >>78503
Casca || >>80926 || 1/31/2012 || 1/21/2012 || Lunar Beginnings Ch. 2 || Faintpony || >>79332
Pascoite || >>80361 || 1/27/2012 || 1/26/2012 || Hell Butterflies || Creegos || >>80232
Compendium of Steve || >>80983 || 1/31/2012 || 1/28/2012 || Hearths Warming Eve || Rainbowderp98 || >>80594
cheezesauce || >>80809 || 1/30/2012 || 1/29/2012 || [Pony-Net] || RavensDagger || >>80761
Lightsideluc || >>81141 || 2/1/2012 || 1/31/2012 || The Stars and the Ponies || Edmar Fecler || >>81042

UNCLAIMED fics
1/13/2012 || The Exchange || Solitair || >>77730
1/14/2012 || Black Equinox || JDude || >>80258
1/14/2012 || Rainbow Dash's Big Adventure || the dobermans || >>77897
1/15/2012 || Ace Combat: Shattered Rainbows || Brotato || >>78189
1/16/2012 || Jericho || Crushric || >>78221
1/17/2012 || Draconequus || cheezesauce || >>78626
1/18/2012 || PonyPuff || Leo Archon || >>78596
1/18/2012 || The Equestrian Bloodmoon || Whitestrake || >>78675
1/18/2012 || The Last Elements || RavensDagger || >>78715
1/19/2012 || Upon Wings of Sacrifice || Rated PonyStar || >>79019
1/19/2012 || Void || Damocl || >>78822
1/21/2012 || Equestria's Twilight || Sapidus3 || >>79352
1/21/2012 || Friendship is Mercenaries || Conchshellthegeek7 || >>79295
1/21/2012 || In The Beginning || Mason al'Cat || >>79176
1/21/2012 || Ravenspire || Imperius || >>79026
1/23/2012 || Beat of a Different DJ || Jolttix || >>79674
1/23/2012 || Musical Shorts || Lucefudu || >>79657
1/26/2012 || Capes || Triscy || >>79713
1/26/2012 || Ravenspire || Imperius || >>79026
1/26/2012 || Reclaiming Ponyland || Margos || >>79897
1/26/2012 || The Sweetest Gem || The Rarispy || >>80314
1/26/2012 || Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) || Dext || >>80253
1/27/2012 || A God Among Mares || Fearless Pie || >>80414
1/27/2012 || The Horn That Creates the Heavens || MegaTank || >>80357
1/29/2012 || Kindle the Bonfire || sirhim11 || >>80761
1/29/2012 || Twenty Percent Smarter || Richtus || >>80779
1/30/2012 || Sail By Night || Papyra Scribe || >>80884
1/30/2012 || The Quiet Place || Aynine || >>80806
1/31/2012 || A Fast Flier's Fillyhood || PurplePony || >>81102
1/31/2012 || The Three Souls || Athlon2736 || >>81058
2/1/2012 || At Home on the Range || Bronius Maximus || >>81161
2/1/2012 || At Home on the Range || Bronius Maximus || >>81161
2/1/2012 || Skating Lessons || Sonic Rainblast || >>81227
2/1/2012 || Stairway to Equestria || Alexaroth || >>81210
2/1/2012 || The Ballad of Asgard || Harkness || >>81192
2/1/2012 || The Price of Grace || Sparkle || >>81211
2/1/2012 || When the Guardians Fall || Rachomachus || >>81206
2/2/2012 || The outing at canterlot || Leochingu || >>80725
2/2/2012 || Ties That Bind || Seleen || >>81001

>>81346
>2/1/2012 || Skating Lessons || Sonic Rainblast || >>81227
Er, I suspect that this is a double-post. Author put in his request mid-Jan and I haven't seen him/her make a second since then.

>>79713
>why do I love this image so much
The most Trixie I've read was in "Within and Without". Time to see what all the deal about her is about, then. Review in a day or two.

>>81345
Expecting to please every reader is a dream that, put bluntly, no one will ever achieve. Professionally published writers can't even publish things that are universally beloved. Even The Bard has his detractors.

It is far healthier to focus on having a strong story and letting the rest follow. If your story is good enough and truly speaks to something essential in the human experience, you will get readers. I've reviewed your stuff before. It is not perfect--no one's work is--but it's a damn sight better than a lot of things I've read. Don't cheapen your vision by choosing to pander.

If you write it, they will come, Stormchaser. Believe in your writing skills.

Apologies for this, Training Grounds reviewers, but I felt I needed to say something. I will return to lurking.

>>81345
Any writer worth worth developing their skill is a writer who finds themselves their own worst critic, or at least a critic. Even if you can't write, the mere fact you enjoy writing but are willing to question yourself means that you have just the right mindset to constantly improve.

You are a writer.

At the same time you cannot motivate yourself unless you write to please yourself. A balance must be founnd--to first entertain yourself, then entertain others while still appreciating your own work.

>>80725

because short...

And nice you say? I'll rip you apart be nice.

>>80725
>>81356

First off all I copied your doc to word.

Your format needs work. Decrease the line spacing and either use indents or white spaces to indicate new paragraphs. There’s a whole part dedicated to this in the writer’s omnibus (It’s in the OP) Have this link to indicate how it could be done. http://bit.ly/zX6dzg

>“hmm let’s see ah ha!”
“Hmm, let’s see. Ah ha!”

> He quickly ran off and grabbed a few quills and paper rolling them up nice and neat laying them carefully with the gems.
Suggestion: He spurred away, coming back with quills and pieces of parchment. Spike placed them next to the gems.

>“okay I’m all set!” He said with a smile and proceeded to wrap up everything in the blanket making it into a makeshift travel bag as he tied the knot onto a stick then with a small grunt of effort he lifted it onto his shoulder as Twilight could not help but smile when doing so.
First of all if there’s a variation of X said following dialogue the word following the dialogue shouldn’t be capitalized. (names excluded of course) The writer's omnibus (the link's in the OP) should show you a better example.

I don’t think you need the said here. Since you already used it a few lines back and it’s still Spike who’s speaking. Suggestion: “Okay. I’m all set!” Spike continued wrapping up his blanket, turning it into a makeshift travel bag .After this he secured the blanket to a stick with a strong knot.

Second part with Twilight comes out of the blue… consider something else. Suggestion: Twilight couldn’t help but to smile as she saw Spike struggling to lift the bag.

>“So how do you feel? Nervous?”
“So, how do you feel? Nervous?”

>“well this is just more than royal duty isn’t now”
“Well, this is just more than royal duty, isn’t now?”

>“well um.. it.. ha.. she asked..”
Caps, if you’re going to use ellipsis. They’re made of three periods.

> Twilight looked a bit puzzled “wait… I thought that you asked her since the princess gave you some free time to relax and since you could bring one guest, you had Rarity already in mind”
Twilight looked at him, puzzled. “Wait… I thought that you asked her. Since the princess gave you some free time to relax and since you could bring one guest. I thought you had Rarity already in mind.”

LET US PULL THE BRAKE HERE FOR A MOMENT.

You’re forgetting something... Know it already? No? Well, it’s caps and punctuation. Things that, if you would have proofread, should have noticed. Even if your skills in punctuation are lacking, you should know there's supposed to be a caps at the beginning of a sentence and a period/exclamation point/ question mark etc. at the end. If you did this, there might have been some things wrongly punctuated and maybe one or two things forgotten, however, I’m not even past the first page…

So, let me give you some homework: Proofread your work, add the forgotten punctuation, work on your format, and send me an email once you’ve done this so I can do a proper review.

Keep writing

Hey thar.

You may have paid attention to Sir Duke's thread, in which case you know why I'm here. I doubt it though, so I'm going to repeat myself, just in case.

EqD has informed me that my fanfic is almost good enough to be accepted. The only thing that desperately needs to be cleaned up is chapter 1 (pt2). Apparently;

>"There are large chunks of dialogue that are not attributed to any pony, making it quite difficult to understand who is speaking. For this to go up on the blog, chapter two should be put through Ponychan first."

So, here I am! Hopefully, this time I'll get accepted. Anyway, I want you to pay special attention to chapter 1 (pt2), make sure that I fixed it. Of course, there are probably errors in the other chapters too...

Anyway, here it is:
Title: Caveat Emptor: let the buyer beware
Tags:[dark] [adventure]
Description
: Things are awry in Ponyville. Last Twilight Sparkle checked, the only voice in a pony's head should be her own. Curiosity piqued, Twilight and her friends do some investigating, and uncover a horrifying secret. As loyalties are tested, the six friends find themselves questioning the very world around them. But through it all, one stark, terrifying truth remains clear:

Everything comes at a price.
And It has come to collect.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5117/Caveat-Emptor%3A-Let-The-Buyer-Beware

Thanks for your time!

>>81349
I look forward to your review. :D

>>81361
...

>>81378

Are people going to start reviewing stories or just keep making faces at eachother?

>>81390
> Are people going to start reviewing stories or just keep making faces at eachother?
> start reviewing stories... keep making faces...
You got it the wrong way around, mate.

>>81396
His point still stands though.

>>81390 >>81390 >>81396 >>81397
Oh, hi. Sorry folks. Carry on. But jeez, calm down, it's not like the great Muppetz thread derail of 2011.

>>81390's remark is valid criticism, so on behalf of Sturm and I, sorry for the two-post derail. Is it wrong, however, for me to think that it seemed just a bit dismissive of all the other reviewing work going on around here? I mean, the vast majority of reviewers aren't roleplaying, and >>81389 was just me asking Sturm to "get out" with a Ratatouille image. If it was directed at me and Sturm specifically (which it should have been), then I don't know why said anon used the general term "people", which makes it seem far more passive-aggressive and less sincere.

>>81401
Meh, I wouldn't take it too personally Demetrius. Anon sounds like s/he's just in a grumpy mood today.

>>81405
Come to think of it, I don't blame >>81390 for reacting so curtly. Roleplaying derails have been a problem before on /fic/.

Wow, I just looked at the unclaimed fics. Some people have been waiting weeks! O.o I guess it goes to show how many people want their story reviewed, and how backed up it gets.

>>81413
Weeks? Never mind then, if my story's up there, take it off. I'll see if I can wrangle myself a private reviewer.

>>81414
It seems to be more of what catches a reviewer's interest. Your story sounds really cool, so I'm sure it'll be picked up soon!

>>81416
Oh....
Really?

Huh...

Well, getting a private reviewer couldn't hurt anyways. Know any good threads out there, preferably new(ish) so the reviewer isn't bogged down with requests?

Tags: [comedy] [silly] [cops]

Synopsis: Ride along with the baddest mares this side of the Everfree forest as they bust criminals and keep the peace in Ponyville. Join Static Mane and Swift Justice during their patrol as they face the madness of the sleepy town of Ponyville.

Links: Only one "episode" thus far. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743670/1/bReal_b_bPolice_b_bMares_b_of_bPonyville_b
I did submit it to Equestria Daily but I’m not sure it was ready and it appears to have been such utter and total dog #$^$ that it didn’t warrant a response from them. I planned to do more episodes, but this is literally this story's last chance before i abandon the idea. I'm used to writing of an analytical nature so my dialogue might be off and probably my usage of speaking lines.

>>81423
The story I submitted was my first one. So, I really can't recommend any of the reviewers. Though, if you do decide to take it to another thread I wish you all the luck in Equestria. ^.^

>>81424
You always get a response from EqD. If you didn't get a "To the pre-readers!" reply from Seth, it probably got lost. Eventually you do get a pre-reader response, though it may be short and cryptic.

>>81424
I read a bit of your story. It's hilarious, I think the only thing that would keep it from getting through the prereaders is some grammar and sentence structure, as well as some "show don't tell." Of course, I'm not a reviewer. So, I should probably let one of them claim it and pinpoint stuff like that. (I'm not to great with the grammar, but okay with sentence structure)

>>78221
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7C8xjY9H7w

So, time to stop dawdling and read. But man, it was 60k when you submitted it and now it's over 100k -- I mean, sweet mother of Epona, you write fast, Crushric! Expect me to finish by some time this weekend.

>>80389
>>80412
>>80563
>>80660
>>80903
>>81072
Comments in doc.

The plot came together nicely, and I liked the inclusion of the brief stories, especially how they related to AJ's friends. Given that there were presumably many other items in the box, it might be nice to give an indication that AJ picked those particular items deliberately since she knew they would be special to individual friends.

Characterization was well-done throughout the story. The only possible exception is Braeburn, who was kind of a generic concerned relative. The Mane 6 were right on. This is easily your biggest strength in this story.

Mechanics: There were a few problems that kept popping up even in the later edits, so you hadn't completely massaged them into your brain tissue.
"the x of y" (passive structure) => "y's x"
"... conjunction adverb, ..." (comma misuse) => "..., conjunction adverb..."


Finally the marathon comes to an end. 3-4 hours of live chat/editing each night for 6 straight nights to whip this story into shape. I hope you feel like the story's better for it. I sure do. More than improving this particular story, however, I hope this gives you the tools to be a better writer going forward.

So what now? Definitely resubmit this to EqD, but here's what I'd recommend first:
Put the fic down. Don't read it. Don't edit it. Don't think about it. Let it sit for a week. You'll forget details, exact phrasing, etc. Then make another editing pass. You'll be surprised at what you catch once you've distanced yourself from it. If you're still happy with it, fire it off.

In the meantime, do a bit of research. Sadfics are my thing, so I can recommend some good ones. Read a few, and see what's been done. Pay attention to style: character studies (like you've done), life-changing events, fancy linguistics... That third one in particular - you had several moments of sophisticated phrasing and imagery. There are good examples of that out there if you want to do more of it and keep it running throughout the story (sometimes derided as purple prose).

If you make more edits and want me to look at them, let me know. It's rare to get the royal treatment like this, but I was happy to be of service. Good luck to you.

>>79713
I'm going to do something different for you. I've taken the liberty of copying your chapter into a Google Doc, then leaving comments on it. You (and anyone with the link, really) are free to edit it. Then you can copy/paste / GDoc upload to your Fimfic account. Sound good?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XILYKxNpG6DbdE81ahHHKSH1un6_pxkhZS8zDoaHHL0/edit?hl=en_GB

Hrmm. Hrrrrmm.

I'm going to address the pre-reader comments before giving you my overall conclusion for the prologue.

>1) show-vs-tell, infodump
I see you've fixed that. Good on you! The way you handled the cloak-and-hat retrieval backstory was interesting, and it certainly worked. Good instance of show there. Only show-vs-tell problem, I think, I've pointed out in the doc.

>2) tedious writing
Pointed out the instances with suggestions. "defeat" is the right word; srsly, get those fixed, and your prologue will get a lot better. It's because the good parts are genuinely good, but the little tedious tag-o'-text just kills it for me.

"choice of key words and phrases" extends to word repetition. I'd suggest you take a little time to think of alternate phrases for "walked away", descriptions of Trixie being angry/humiliated/embarrassed, if your fic's going the way I think it's going.

>There's a general feeling of malaise to the tale, one that consistently drops the audience out of disbelief and into dissatisfaction
I shall delve more into this... now.

Okay. So the thing is, right, Trixie? Yeah, well, she's actually pretty darn good with magic. She up-ended 5 of the Mane 6, and her only failure with magic was not being able to handle an Ursa Minor (which, frankly, is terrifying if you were in her shoes). She would NOT have:

1) built a lousy shack that collapses in minutes
2) used a hoof to get her hat when she could have used magic
3) failed to light a fire
4), though this is personal preference, began to lose her magic. Because that's the only explanation I can think of for why Trixie's being so weak. A curse? A magic-weakening spell? A bad case of indigestion. disrupting her thaumic balance? If it's something, you gotta tell us quick. I may be overreacting or repeating myself, but this is the biggest problem in your fic. Get this fixed and it will improve in leaps and bounds.

Apart from the logical fallacies here and there, the rest of it is pretty sound. Trixie's obnoxious, homeless and conflicted, and Cash Crop is a jerk, which is fine. The scenes are set well enough. Props must be given to your near-perfect punctuation and spelling, as well as your intro - it gave me a good feeling about you.

I'll get to Chapters 1 & 2 tomorrow. Maybe. Either way, it's on the way.

Shorthand: http://bit.ly/seB8vB s/nae/nigh/g

With gusto, as requested in the synopsis on FiMFiction (but also because your story allegedly involves “tormenting” of Fluttershy by your OC) I shall indeed be merciless.

Stream of Consciousness
First impression: your intro’s pretentious style is a major turn-off, and that’s not just because it oozes with delusions of literary grandeur. Your very first paragraph breaks the fourth wall in that the character Maximillian plays the dual role of being both narrator and a device for tossing in technical meta-commentary on formatting, pacing, exposition and passage delineation. It’s essentially just an author’s note disguised as a boring introduction gussied up in pseudo-academic diction.

Writers who switch between narrative perspectives and are skilled in it makes it clear, after introduction, exactly who the focus is on and when. By telling readers that they need to remember symbols, you’re telling them that you think they won’t be able to tell passages apart based on the writing itself. That sends them one of several messages; that you believe they’re too stupid to figure it out for themselves, or that you intentionally made your writing so confusing that it needs such a system. Or (returning later to comment here) that you’re just too lazy to pick one narrative voice for a story that centers around a single character and stick with it, getting creative and subtle in the areas where exposition is more challenging from any given perspective.

> story begins

Spike. He appears, there’s something on his mind, and then he disappears. What’s the relevance/importance? It was obviously thrown in just for mood setting and serves no additional purpose.

> Luna’s moon
CL

> the moonlight had to viciously claw its way through the dense canopy just to attempt to perforate the foliage
PP & R & O
If you wish to use personification, it helps to do so in a way that properly reflects the mood and description of the object in question. Also, the canopy does constitute foliage.

> RE: pale gray, short-haired hazel-eyed (etc) OC foreigner unicorn
Boring. Six purple paragraphs in and there’s no character development (and hardly any world building or exposition) to speak of. If physical characteristics are described in any detail, they must actually serve some purpose in giving away hints at the character’s background and/or personality. From what you’ve told me here, this character is a pimp. I mean, he’s got armor and weapons that would put most pimps’ bejeweled canes to shame, from what I read in the two paragraphs you spent describing them. Granted, it’s appropriate for royalty to have ornate everythings, but I think you went overboard.

> Even his cutie mark was exotic
Barely a fifth of the way through the first half of the prologue and my Stuometer’s reading is already at 0.6 Edwards.

Now, as for his language, it would appear more a show of creativity skill than a ham-handed declaration if you slipped this into some actual dialogue. Speaking of which, will there be any?

> I'm kind of a nerd with history
You’re sending out mixed messages. Here’s the first-person narrative of a character who is the lonesome errant son of a king far from his home, who began by speaking of how he “slew great beasts”, using a 20th-Century American slang term. Pay careful attention to this character’s diction. I mean, he’s Jericho Pendergast, correct? Do something to prove all that stuff you said about his language and vernacular, and do his royal upbringing justice.

Now, as this pimp wandering heir of a king travels through the Everfree forest, you disrupt the story with exposition in the form of declarative commentary that lacks all manner of sublety. If the backstory of your character were precious to you, would you not take time to think of how it could be artfully revealed? You could use the character’s attitude, behavior and/or flashbacks.

> “Hammerspace"
> pic
Over-used concept, and I have no idea what relevance it has besides allowing your character to haul around more swag than a Diablo II character with an inventory full of Horadric cubes. I mean, you practically admit through how he smugly describes the spell that you just tossed it in for that very reason.

And then, he has a draught of mana-tablet-infused water and muses on the effects of it.

Tell me, fucking tell me please, did J.R.R. Tolkien spend these many words describing the magical properties of every piece of enchanted equiment and victual? Even if he did, he didn’t do it all in one piece all like this all heavy-handed like (as I recall) but with lembas bread (for example) described the effect it had on the characters when they used it, and when it was important and necessary to use it, i.e. when the weary Hobbits were down to their last few morsels of it and trudging through Mordor.

> Pit Lords
http://bit.ly/AtS1FO
Uh...

So this is a story, right? A picture is worth a thousand words, or in your case, about 285, plus an actual, additional picture, as if it were relevant to the plot. I mean, come on, right as action begins you turn the protagonist into a lecturer on the subject of these demons as though he were a 14-year-old MMORPG player detailing the bestiary of his favorite game to his cousin.

Finally, some dialogue/action. Compared to everything else so far it’s awesome. Improve on it, do the exposing the character thing through dialogue, demonstrating his language instead of declaring it, etc. etc. etc.

> With that the three pit lords charged with a mighty roar and battle was joined.
> --J--
> They were agile, swift, and strong. But so was I...
Wait, what? It looks like you forgot that you were already in first-person narrative!

I shall ask at this point: if the story is, as “M.d.É”described, “a compilation of his journals, such that they are, and various other books chronicling his story in the 3rd person”, then why, if the narrative pieces fit together so well, would there be any need to switch back and forth between them? It implies a deficiency or series of holes in either of them that would warrant such back-and-forth. If they were so detailed, why would there be such holes?

Actually, I think that your historical-record gimmick could be entirely done away with.

> “Shit,” spoke I
More mixed messages.

Your whole duel needs more focus. Focus on dialogue. Focus on what is happening. Put yourself behind Jericho’s eyes and try to describe what you see and experience. You have Jericho describing the fight in an aloof manner as though it were a boxing match, in retrospect — wherein he muses on the strengths, weaknesses and techniques of him and his enemy. Your protagonist is really smug.

> He began to wretch out his fluids, expelling near fatal amounts of it. This was getting ridiculous. I should take the poor thing out of his misery. I hoped if things would have gone in his favor that he'd do the same to me.
BT

All in all it was hard to keep a straight face despite listening through my entire Dead Can Dance collection while reading. You need to focus on making it sound more compelling in this regard: improve your style or make it stand out less. I mean, sure it’s a part of your writing like your stomach is a part of your body, but here you have an enormous, hairy beer gut hangin’ out from under the bottom of a too-small T-shirt. Tighten it up with subtlety in exposition, diction that’s more appropriate for your protagonist, and getting rid of gimmicks that aren’t totally necessary for advancement of the plot/characterization. I’ll leave you with the rules of Kurt Vonnegut and of Mark Twain (from his essay on the literary offenses of Feinmore Cooper) which I think you have broken to a significant degree: (Vonnegut) 1, 3 & 5; (Twain) 7, 14
http://www.novelr.com/2007/11/15/kurt-vonneguts-8-rules-for-writing-fiction
http://www.mamohanraj.com/Writing/twain.html

I thought I'd take a break from CMEA (a previous story) and try my hand at something different. It's a short story approximately 7,500 words long, about a brief glimpse into the early life of Commander Hurricane through the eyes of his older self.

In it, she (I interpret Hurricane as a female) reflects on her time with Pansy and confronts a rogue dragon. If anyone's interested, see below for details.

Tags: [Slice of Life][Dark]

Synopsis: "In Pteryx, the Earth pony town we captured, I was hated by large numbers of ponies – the first time in my life that I have been important enough for this to happen to me. I was merely a captain of the Pegasus Army at the time, and in a petty kind of way, anti-pegasus sentiments were veering further towards the bitter end of the relationship spectrum. None of the Earth ponies had the guts to raise a rebellion, but if a pegasus civilian wandered alone through the markets, they were likely to find shops closing all around them, the owners peeking through gaps in the shutters and doors until the offending civilian had moved on…"

The pegasus who was one day to be known as Commander Hurricane started out as a grunt. A patrol officer for the captured town of Pteryx, Hurricane recalls one incident during her time there that changed her view of the Pegasus Empire – and her view of her close friend, Pansy.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7800922/1/Through_the_Eyes_of_the_Hurricane

Chapter to Review: Through the Eyes of the Hurricane (the link above will take you directly to it)

Comment/Request: This is an experiment in another genre for me. I'd like as thorough a criticism as I can get - line by line, if possible - and on the following points:

Characterisation of Hurricane and of Pansy. Whether it's engaging, credible, and/or consistent.

Worldbuilding. Is it excessive or too sparse? Do I ramble too much on details, or give just enough, or not enough?

Narrative Voice. The framing device is an experiment. It was also, I admit, a way to get around problems assigning the story to obscure characters like Hurricane and Pansy - by connecting them to better known characters - but I incorporated it into a framing device. Do you feel that it works?

Style. I want to come across as accessible, but there are a couple of times near the end when Hurricane becomes more reflective, and I'm not sure whether to keep them, trim them down, or drop them. Any thoughts on this?

Interest. Did you enjoy reading it? Did your interest waver at any point?

Streamlining. Does the story feel tight or a bit loose in places? Any particular places where it is like this?

And, of course, grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

P.S. Yes, I just spotted my gaff. Corrected:

"It's a short story approximately 7,500 words long, about a brief glimpse into the early life of Commander Hurricane through the eyes of her older self.

In it, she (I interpret Hurricane as a female) ..."

Back with a new chapter of my fic. Needs its first review, so here it is:

Elysian Fields

Sad/Grimdark

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wQddMmyQU9a38RLP462rV3feYQggIm52fNcx5yOUmXo/edit?hl=en_GB

"The Hearth's Warming story tells the tale of how Equestria came to be. It does not however tell of the dark secrets that followed. Find out about the true history, and dark secrets of Equestria's forgotten past."

Cheers :)

>>81462

First off, thanks for all your help. The comma issue is mostly because my mind tells me there's a verbal pause after a conjunction. Not sure why. I also noticed my misuse of prepositions but that's always been a problem for me.

With Braeburn, I honestly found it difficult to portray him other than this quirky cowstallion that tries to keep an upbeat demeanor. I'm going to leave him as is.

In retrospect, broadening the story to encompass how the entire Apple family dealt with the situation may have been a more interesting route to take. Then again, the original concept I had was to have enough material that the reader could imagine the tale as another episode of the show.

Go ahead and refer me to these sad fics, but honestly, I'll probably read them for my enjoyment more than anything else. When I wrote my first fic which got sent back by EqD, I kept adding more and more until I threw up my hands and gave up on it because it became more of a rewrite. I want to avoid that this time.

The plan is to re-read on Sunday or Monday, add the revised story on Fan/FIM, submit to EqD, and cross my fingers. If it gets sent back, I'll either try to work on it some more or just add an epilogue, publish it, and call it a job well done.

>>81508
Hey Bullets. I'm not sure if it was forgotton, but you're supposed to add the story to the spreadsheet through the submission form: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit

I've taken the action and added it this time. Just a little reminder.

>>81538
Ah yes, thank you. I did completely forget. :P

>>77730
>I get a more professional opinion.
>more professional opinion.
>professional opinion.
>professional

>>81488
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FpZwkkHHazCM-IzrHf6Bjm3tXBW181FuWYSrr25GZtk/edit?hl=en_US

I edited based on your advice. I consider this pretty good considering that you didn't have to highlight everything. I'll admit that I didn't spend much time editing the fanfic on my own after writing it.

I added some more explanation for her dwindling magic, but fixed it up so she'd use it more earlier on and modified the ordeal with the hat. Otherwise I fixed up the majority of the details, and replaced "colt" with "stallion"; I was under the incorrect impression that Colt was just a general male-horse term. He's supposed to be a full-grown adult, not a kid. Sorry about that.

I look forward to your review of Chapters 1 and 2. If you wouldn't mind, might I ask your help on future chapters after these two are finished? I'm generally used to working with partners and don't tend to fare well on my own, and you've been a great help so far.

>>81578
>I consider this pretty good considering that you didn't have to highlight everything.
Heh.

Sure thing! My email is [email protected]; I'd recommend that you put your new, future chapters into GDoc form and just email it to me, with commenting powers enabled. That's what I'm doing for another dude, and we can keep our back-and-forths off the thread.

Would you like me to look at your prologue again? Either way is fine, but if you do want me to, it'll have to be a few days later due to commitments and schtick. I will be getting to Chapters 1 & 2 though, don't fret. ;)

>>81508
Hi Bullets. My major grammar issues can be found in comments on the document.

First off: I love allusions to mythology. Your title makes me feel all warm inside.

One of the things that will get your story rejected on the spot is odd character designs for no reason. Cases in point: Firecrest and Skyfrost.

As you can see in the document, I have marked several places where you should show and not tell. The entire time I read your story, I couldn't really see any of the rooms. Describe them.

It didn't make sense to me that the pegasus would have not killed Thunder on the spot.

Now for a minor plot hole that bothered me: if Thunder sent messages so often, why did they have to send a search party out for them? Celestia would have known the location of the camp.

Overall, you've interested me. Good job.

Mister Man

>>81609
Thank you ever so much for the review. The chapter was somewhat rushed, so I admit there could have been more effort on my part in checking it, but I have been busy with college lately. I'll sort out the grammar issues and look into the Firecrest/Skyfrost issue. As for the confusion and plot-hole, the prologue and part one are up on EqD already, so reading them will answer any questions you may have.

Thanks again. :)

At >>80357

>>81147

In short

The Good:

Vampireshy is a great concept with a lot of potential, and you've got a lot of guts to take it on.

You have a wonderful style, especially at first. There's a shimmering nightmare-like quality that you have to hold on to. I'd love to work on polishing up your prose, because you really have something special there.

The Bad:

Unfortunatly, that'll have to wait for a later revision, because you have major problems with plot and character:

- You need a main conflict, so as to give your story an actual ending at some point.

- Bestpony is a shallow pushover.

The Ugly:

- That character whose name requires six different fonts to properly render. Though you do get a point for immediately nicknaming her, I will refer to her as "Sue" for the remainder of this review.

---

Both these show-stopping problems share the same root cause: not enough conflict early enough in the story.

Sue: *nomnomnom* You're a vampire now!

Flutters: Um, okay.

No, not okay. You're telling me that Fluttershy wouldn't hesitate to turn her back on her friends like that? I need some struggle, please! Until you have that, neither character is particularly compelling.

This is just my suggestion to get you started. Please adapt or apropriate as you see fit.

Fluttershy is caught between her fear of the unknown and her curiousity. It's pretty much the defining conflict in her character; take a look at her very first scene in 1x01. Both extremes can be sources of both weakness and strength, and playing them against each other is most of the fun in writing her.

Vampire stories are nearly always about forbidden desire, and in a symbolic sense are thus about sex. This is not a suggestion to make your story explict - quite the opposite - since nothing ruins suggestion faster than being too direct. (The Twilight series is a painful example.) Do feel free to make Sue something of a teasing temptress. As long as the "innocent" interpretation (she just wants to suck somepony's neck, honest) prevails you can't go wrong.

These two story elements dovetail perfectly, and that's why Flutters makes the best vampony.

In practical terms, I'd make FS less scared of the forest (it's dangerous, but it's also pretty much her backyard) and more scared of Sue. Let her slip into vampirism more slowly and with a sense of addiction: denial, hiding bite marks from her friends, that sort of thing.

PS: You don't have to change Sue's name or make her less special to fix her. I'd get rid of the multi-font thing as a matter of taste, but the only thing you have to do to de-Sue her is make her work harder to corrupt Fluttershy.

And do bring this back; I'd love to go deeper into the prose.

---

Claim
>>80258 Black Equinox

No offense against your fic specifically, but reviewers tell each other jokes about GD/HiE epicfics and how they tend to suck. I'll give you an open mind: if it's good, we'll fix up that synopsis posthaste.

If it's bad, well, *mwahahahaha*.

The verdict: your synopsis sucks.

This is worlds better than the last HiE Grimdarkopalypse with extra special sauce I read. In fact, after the first chapter, I'm really enjoying it! you monster

So have a shot at a better one.

Black Equinox
Twilight knew Spike would start to grow up one day, but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. She's sure Pinkie's right: he just needs some space, and he'll be just fine by himself while she spends some time with Celestia.

But the Princess has her own reasons for calling Twilight back to Canterlot. Dark forces are afoot: two travelers in the Everfree have woken dark forces from Equestria's past, forces of fire and steel.
[Grimdark][HiE]
(stealth x-over)


--
ch 1 notes

Nothing wrong with having illustrations in the doc. If I have to click links, I'll be very disappointed.

Prose is a touch purple, but not horribly so. I'm in it for the characters first, though.

Luna's grammar needs some work.

>Fake as zirconium.
Gosh, I hope not, us humans use it to build nuclear reactors and stuff like that.

>"Oh, don't you worry dear. Spike will come around. He may be rather peeved, but really he's a sweetheart."

I love this whole interaction. Bravo, especially on Spike and Rarity's parts.

Oh crap, you're giving Twilight weapon spells. Minor nitpick: I wouldn't
> numerous applications both as defenses
just yet. Maybe something like
> Twilight was surprised the princess trusted her with such dangerous spells. Of course, she was an adult now, but Celestia had been her fillyhood teacher, and for a moment she was strangely aware that at some point she had grown up without really noticing. Poor Spike.

And then you kill him?! Oh balls. Yes, it's GD and you're allowed emotional gut-punches like that, but why do they have to be so effective?

---

ch 2

There are numerous little line-edits I want to make, things like

>"Not Spike! Not that sweet little squire!"
>>"Not Spike! Not my sweet little squire!"
(as you note later she knows, but, please, allow her this slip)

but I'm too swept up in the story right now.

Celestia is picarding too much.

>"M-mature Audiences'?" Fluttershy said.
Lol, Fluttershy. Characterization is perfect. Punctuation:
>>" 'M-mature Audiences?' " Fluttershy said.
Or no inner quotes. Be consistent.

Characterization note: this is only my headcanon, so you're not wrong, but I see Cloudsdale as kinda a rough place to grow up. Sadly, the idea that ponies might hurt each other isn't something that would surprise her or Dash. You might even say they're experts...

In my Equestria as well, ponies do understand the concept of killing. While they're not as violent as we are, they are a herd prey species and naturally like predators even less than we do. Some folk forget what Rarity's first response was to coming face-to-face with a manticore...

>She had been rapt in a thousand-yard stare
technically right, but reads wrong.


>(le end)
Oh, shit, this isn't a Half-Life/Portal x-over, is it?
ALL MY BITS!

----
ch 3

Bad author! Enable comments next time. I'll be going line-by-line in my own copy.

By far the biggest flaw is how damn much your villain talks. Seriously consider finding a way to make our little ponies something other than a captive audience all day long, or make him less of an o/bnoxious Captain Exposition.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Etd0i4zkMI35lpq4s2S5vUAf33jA_HgzbLIlgy3W02E/edit

Changed and sorted the latest chapter, but it could probably do with one more review, just to make sure. :P


Elysian Fields

Sad/Grimdark

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wQddMmyQU9a38RLP462rV3feYQggIm52fNcx5yOUmXo/edit?hl=en_GB

"The Hearth's Warming story tells the tale of how Equestria came to be. It does not however tell of the dark secrets that followed. Find out about the true history, and dark secrets of Equestria's forgotten past."

Cheers :)

“The numbers, Spike. What do they mean?”

“I… I don’t know!”

Coming to theaters, sometime in the future: NUMB3RS. Make everything count

Silliness aside. To those who are waiting to be reviewed. Why not claim an item yourself? Reviewing is a very good exercise for a writer, plus, you're helping another person. Who knows? You might even enjoy it that much you keep doing it. Go ahead and claim a fic today.


REVIEWS AWAITING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Roan | >>75348 | 1/1/2012 | | 12/26/2011 | The Magnetic Republic | Nemislayer, CrimsontheWolf, CCZeroFire | >>74109
Simon o' Sullivan | >>76762 | 1/7/2012 | | 12/30/2011 | The Adventures of Sherclop Pones | writer | >>75018
Roan | >>75265 | 12/31/2011 | | 12/31/2011 | The Minecrafters Tale of Equestria | Roland | >>75174
Warden | >>78132 | 1/15/2012 | | 1/10/2012 | The outing at Canterlot | Leochingu | >>77255
Dromer | >>78190 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Shadows of Scipio | einsUNDcolt | >>77388
Simon o'Sullivan | >>77907 | 1/14/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | Neighboorhood Watch Anonymous | Holo | >>77412
Simon o'Sullivan | >>78509 | 1/17/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | S.O.S. Foal Detectives | Specter Von Baren | >>77442
Pascoite | >>78276 | 1/16/2012 | | 1/11/2012 | This ugly yet beautiful world | Finesthour | >>77446
Eustatian | >>81725 | 2/4/2012 | | 1/14/2012 | Black Equinox | JDude | >>80258
Filler* | indoc | 1/15/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | Red Sky's Destiny | Roastbeezy | >>78145
Demetrius | >>78492 | 1/17/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | Spike's Errands | Anonymous | >>78212
ComradeRarity/Cheezesauce | >>80133 | 1/26/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | Unnatural Weather | RandomPinkPie | >>78495
Sapidus3 | >>80491 | 1/28/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | The Forgotten Land | Steptroll | >>78503
Casca | >>80926 | 1/31/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | Lunar Beginnings Ch. 2 | Faintpony | >>79332
Pascoite | >>80361 | 1/27/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Hell Butterflies | Creegos | >>80232
Compendium of Steve | >>80983 | 1/31/2012 | | 1/28/2012 | Hearths Warming Eve | Rainbowderp98 | >>80594
cheezesauce | >>80809 | 1/30/2012 | | 1/29/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>80761
Lightsideluc | >>81141 | 2/1/2012 | | 1/31/2012 | The Stars and the Ponies | Edmar Fecler | >>81042
Eustatian | >>81704 | 2/4/2012 | | 2/1/2012 | Shy of the Night | Kirdus | >>81147
Split Infinitive | >>81361 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | The outing at canterlot | Leochingu | >>80725

PENDING REVIEWS

Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Kurbz | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>74994
Grif | | | | 1/7/2012 | Whiplash | Molotov Cocktail | >>76726
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
AidanMaxwell | | 2/1/2012 | X | 1/11/2012 | Good Night! {WIP} | Takeshi Ashirogi | >>77365
Split Infinitive | | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
Uma | | | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
Filler | | | | 1/15/2012 | Fallout Equestria: Duel | Pacce of the Many Mustaches | >>78200
Demetrius | >>81492 | 2/3/2012 | | 1/16/2012 | Jericho | Crushric | >>78221
Casca | | | | 1/21/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>79249
108Echoes | | | | 1/27/2012 | The Horn That Creates the Heavens | MegaTank | >>80357
AidanMaxwell | | | | 1/28/2012 | "Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is." | SpilledInk | >>80488
 
UNCLAIMED FICS

| | | | 1/14/2012 | Rainbow Dash's Big Adventure | the dobermans | >>77897
| | | | 1/15/2012 | Ace Combat: Shattered Rainbows | Brotato | >>78189
| | | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
| | | | 1/18/2012 | PonyPuff | Leo Archon | >>78596
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
| | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
| | | | 1/19/2012 | Upon Wings of Sacrifice | Rated PonyStar | >>79019
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
| | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Tick-Tock Goes The Clock (A My Little Pony / Doctor Who crossover) | Dext | >>80253
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
| | | | 1/26/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | >>80314
| | | | 1/27/2012 | A God Among Mares | Fearless Pie | >>80414
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>80761
| | | | 1/29/2012 | Twenty Percent Smarter | Richtus | >>80779
| | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
| | | | 1/30/2012 | Sail By Night | Papyra Scribe | >>80884
| | | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
| | | | 1/31/2012 | A Fast Flier's Fillyhood | PurplePony | >>81102
| | | | 2/1/2012 | At Home on the Range | Bronius Maximus | >>81161
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Ballad of Asgard | Harkness | >>81192
| | | | 2/1/2012 | When the Guardians Fall | Rachomachus | >>81206
| | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Price of Grace | Sparkle | >>81211
| | | | 2/1/2012 | Skating Lessons | Sonic Rainblast | >>81227
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Ties That Bind | Seleen | >>81001
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Real Police Mares of Ponyville | starlitomega | >>81424
| | | | 2/2/2012 | Caveat Emptor | Brony Z-Ro | >>81369
| | | | 2/3/2012 | Through the Eyes of the Hurricane | Impossible Numbers | >>81505
| | | | 2/4/2012 | Ponies on a Plane | Tartdefiance | >>81706
| | | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | >>81711

Due to its great length and the fact that I've taken on way more than I thought feasible to complete in a timely manner (I mean, there are things that bear comment in nearly every other paragraph) as well as a lack of any strong desire to continue reading it (and other obligations), I'm putting Jericho on hold pending a response from the author.

Crushric seems like a smart fellow (there were hardly any grammatical errors in what I've read so far) so hopefully he'll be able to apply what critique I'm able to offer generally.

>>81704

Ok first up, cheers for reviewing it. In response to what you've said there are a few things about the story that I evidently haven't made clear enough (since you don't seem to have picked up on it).

1. I wasn't really trying to create the sense that Fluttershy is abandoning her friends. At the end of this portion she accompanies Nav to see Twilight with the intention of doing something about the affliction. Why she is so accepting of Nav right now is that I've tried to show Nav as being superior in ability to Fluttershy. In other words Fluttershy doesn't really have a choice but to go along with it.

2. Next point that again relates to Fluttershy's acceptance of the situation is that Nav's age (or age she appears to be) is very young. I've been thinking of her as a pony about applebloom's size and apparent age so the whole temptress thing probably wouldn't be a good idea. Because she appears so young I was thinking that Fluttershy would be more empathetic to the damaged looking filly lost in the woods.

3. Lastly the initial way I arranged Nav's full name was to try and show the vocal distortion that it generates in Fluttershy's mind. It was just a little experiment but I guess it didn't really pan out.

Anyway thanks again and I'll get down to this.

>>81801

> In other words Fluttershy doesn't really have a choice but to go along with it.
Defeat is much more effective when a character puts up a good fight first.

> I've been thinking of her as a pony about applebloom's size and apparent age so the whole temptress thing probably wouldn't be a good idea.

Well, yeah, that's why you can't make it literally sexual. I'm thinking of more the vibe of
- Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends "Berry Scary"
- Darla in Cats Don't Dance
- Midna in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
That sort of irresistible presence. Nav needs it, in my opinion.

Title: A Ponyville Anthology
Author: Mister Man
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Slice of Life]
Description: The sun rises on another beautiful day in Equestria. Does a mysterious pony come to town? No. Is Equestria at war? No. Do Applejack and Rainbow Dash have trouble confessing their feelings? No. Are people coming to Equestria? No again. The ponies--and Spike--all have a normal day, and I'm going to tell you about it via the short story.

The first story is for Spike. It is no more than 1,500 words. Please give it a read.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vT2caMlkJ5Yy9Yr7camnTNJ2bFW2ckGH0qYPdJKvv6I/edit?hl=en_US

>>3710
>>1242

I'll take these two. Barring unexpected circumstances, expect these within two days.

>>78626
I shall...attempt. Consider this a claim, if you must.

Give me a day or two (maybe three) to go through this. See you then.

>>81725

Well, I'm certainly glad you received most of the fic well :-)

You're too kind, really.

Still, definitely going to follow your suggestions concerning the previous chapters.

A question or two though:

I've heard of "Purple Prose" but I don't really know what it is, or how to avoid it. Any tips there?

-

Also, looked up "picarding" and found a number of urban dictionary definitions relating to sexuality, and I doubt that applies, so I assume you're relating Celestia's behavior as being like CAPTAIN Picard of Star Trek? Obviously I don't know the character very well, or else I'd probably know exactly what you were reffering to, lol.

-

As to chapter three, sorry about the comments thing, I wasn't aware they'd been disabled.

-

You ask when Trixie shows up if that's "the best I can do", and I'm not sure if you're reffering to Trixie's place in the story, or my description of her coat color. It'd help if you could clarify ;-)

-

Now to Mandeville himself, who I've retooled and, being the villain, I'm trying to be especially careful in characterizing.

I gathered you're not one for how chatty he is, and yeah, I agree, this is exposition-tastic. Problem is I don't really know how else I'd deliver a lot of the info he gives. Maybe I'll write down what he says, see what I can/should cut and work it into the story later to trim this scene down. There's not a whole lot I can do for the "captive audience" thing, unless they were to escape partway through and just get captured again after a chase.

A few comments of yours make me wonder though. At one point you say you're "really starting to hate this fucker". I'm not sure if that's in a, "oh, that bastard!" kind of way or in a "this character is a pain for all the wrong reasons" way.

Also, you add to Mandeville's little monologue that I'm forgetting "it really is for your own good". Do you really mean I should add that, or is that a bit of a sarcastic slam on Mandeville delivering one too many cliches?

-

Either way, this is such a pivotal chapter in the story that I really want to make sure it works. I'm all-ears for any more of your input and I thank you for being so fast and forgiving in your evaluation. I'm definitely adopting your synopsis, though with a little change to the end, I'm sure you'll understand :-)

>>80133
sorry I only just to to fixing it up this weekend, I've had a full load this past few weeks.

Well I see what you mean in most of your comments in the docs and I thank you for the review but about showing more emotion... To put it bluntly, I'm the kind of person who wouldn't give two shits (pardon the language) if half a town in reality died from some incurable disease. Plus the fact that english was my worst subject at school and I wrote the story out of sheer bordem, dosent really help much.

If I can barely realise and understand emotions in day to day life, then how the heck am i supposed to write about them? :P

Im sorry if this this is comming out the wrong way, I don't mean to offend.

But again, thankyou for the review. :)

Title: Tales of Earthquake Island

Author: Keyframe

Tags: Dark, Grim, Sad, Side Story, OC,

Synopsis: Everypony on Earthquake Island knows of the two missionaries from Equestria. What they don't know are the ponies they interact with. This story is about Blaze. A Captain of General Quake's earth pony army.

List of links to the story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NHXjgmC1QMz-OaAD1LUfod_i6ZIDupdkFdGuwkh_utA/edit?hl=en_US

Comments/requests: This is a one-shot side story. Before I even began writing this I did get BillyColt's permission. He has read it. So I have his stamp of approval.

First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for how long this has taken. Second, don't let the length intimidate you. Most of it is filler and padding to make it look longer. Probably. The Overall section at the end is what you're looking for, anyways—that is to say, overall comments instead of line-by-line, which you'll find in the Stream of Consciousness section. Though, scene-specific comments will be in the Stream of Consciousness section.

Pity Seattle_Lite isn't actively reviewing anymore (though neither am I, really); I hear he's been looking forward to an account of what happened/happens to Rainbow Dash. This review has been written over the course of... Since-I-claimed-it number of days. As such, it's entirely possible that I contradict myself at points. The stream of consciousness part should reflect what I was thinking at the time.

This will have been the first time I've read anything related to Fallout: Equestria since June, where I gave up reading it after chapter four in favor of Past Sins, pre-revisions. ...Yeah. My apologies if I'm unhelpful or incorrect. I tend to fabricate things instead of looking them up without realizing it. I believe comma placement to be quite subjective, so that's probably going to take up most of this review. And please take what I say with a grain of salt. Everything non-grammatical (and quite a bit of the grammatical things) I say is just something for you to consider and just my opinion. (As you'll see, it's probably going to be quite different from that of the lady herself as you've quoted on FiMChan.) A lot of things may have gone over my head.

Also, there will be points I make that you may want to respond with, “Forget you, I'm using artistic license,” and there will be many of them.

I will be reviewing this in US English using a downloaded ODT version of your Gdocs copy as a reference but will also be looking at the FiMFiction version for formatting and presentation reasons.

Initial thoughts:
-This screencap of FiMFiction is what I see going into it.
-Your picture upload on Ponychan seems pretty badass, but FiMFiction appears to shrink it to make Rainbow Dash look kind of weak and pathetic.
-”Duel” sounds kind of uninspired. Surely there must be many more duels already existing in Fo:E proper?
-That's a lot of tags.
-From what I hear of you, you're a rather accomplished writer. So what's up with this low rating? I have no idea. All I know is that your story currently sits at 3.5 stars and 5 ratings. Update on the 17th: It's now at 4 stars and 9 ratings. Same nine comments, though.
-Rating: Teen. So no gore that Fo:E's loved for? ...Fo:E is gory, right? I don't actually remember. Or know.
-From what I've heard about you on FiMChan, you appear to be rather partial to writing about lesbians. The cast of this fic appears to be completely female. I wonder what could that mean.
-Speaking of cast, what does Pinkie Pie have to do with this? It looks fairly odd seeing her stuck between RD and Gilda like that in the list of characters.
-And now onto the (arguably) most important part: the synopsis. I'm not sure what to say. Every sentence is (Subject) (verb) (object).
>The world died.
>In doing so, she was branded a traitor.
>The mercenary was Gilda, an old friend from long ago.
Is it descriptive? I suppose. Is it dry? I would say so. I do hope this isn't indicative of the way you've written the fic proper. Also, the synopsis sounds like you're torn between trying to get readers who aren't interested in Fo:E and trying to appeal to Fo:E readers. And you space twice after the end of a sentence. Sometimes thrice. I suppose it's only fair to tell you that I really don't like that. Also, the synopsis doesn't actually tell me what to expect in the fic. That's kind of important, I'd think.
-And the “key.” Why's this in quotes after but not before? On top of that, the “She took X. X is Y.” structure is kind of bland.
-Lastly, the “The 'key' is Dash's head” line sounds trite to me. I'm afraid there isn't another word to describe what I think of the line.

Stream of consciousness, or thoughts whilst reading:
>Part I:
-As opposed to Chapter 1?
-Why is this italicized?

>Enemies
-Why is this bold and italicized? Right, I should mention: I'm quite vocal about formatting. I do suppose that might come off as pedantic or anal, but I don't go looking for these things. They just stand out to me, and I feel compelled to say something about it. So, for me, seeing “Part 1” in italics is already sort of tilting me, and seeing “Enemies” in both bold italics makes this look... unpolished to me. Consider formatting the two lines in the same manner.

>Standing out against a nearby snow peppered mountain was a pegasus with a soft blue coat and colourful mane flying with great speed at her partner.
-”colourful”? Is this written in UK English? Hm. A lot of the things I say are probably going to be void, then.
-Hyphen between “snow” and “peppered.”
-I'm envisioning a mountain mottled with snow instead of covered in it. Perhaps “peppered” is not the word you're looking for. Might I suggest “snow-covered”, or just “snowy”?

> partner. Passing
-Three spaces. I suggest a Ctrl+F Find “ “ (three spaces) and replace “ “ (two spaces). ...And then repeat the process with two spaces and one, respectively.

>Passing within inches of her was a griffon with purple markings around her eyes and at the tips of her head feathers.
-You mention a “partner” in the previous sentence, yet make no indication in this one that the partner is the griffon.
-”head feathers”? I'm fairly certain that this is called a crest. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crest_(feathers)

>The couple wore ragged combat armour with holes scattered across where it had failed in its duty, the accompanying scars beneath each telling a story of victory snatched from near death.
-”combat” seems removable from the sentence. It can be assumed that the armor is for combat, no?
-This last part, “beneath each telling a story of victory snatched from near death.” Is this necessary? The focus is on the griffon and the pegasus and their appearances, and the way you say this makes it seem tangential to the story.
-Likewise, “where [they] had failed in [their] duty” (they're both wearing armor, right?) seems to be just as tangential. If this information is vital to the scene, I suggest downplaying it a bit. Might I suggest:
>The couple wore ragged armour mottled with holes, revealing the scars that (something to show their heroism/badassness in battle here).
-I'm just going to assume their armor's enchanted to be light and flexible and bulletproof or something. I'm also going to assume their armors' enchantments also somehow wore off while they were getting shot at.

>They cork screwed through the sky as they sang words that no longer held any meaning to another living being on the planet's surface.
-Looking ahead a line, I should say that this isn't as much “singing” as much as it is “chanting.”
-Corkscrew. One word.
-Consider “other living beings” or “any other living being” over “another living being” to make it sound more plural. “[A]nother” makes it sound like the two plus one more. “(Any) other” puts the focus on the other.
-”[P]lanet's surface.” Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann comes to mind. Did they move underground? If not, consider just “planet” or removing “on the planet's surface” altogether.

>Junior Speedsters are our lives.
>Sky bound soars and daring dives.
>Junior Speedsters, it’s our quest to someday be the very best.
-Consider putting a line break between “quest” and “to”:
>Junior Speedsters are our lives.
>Sky bound soars and daring dives.
>Junior Speedsters, it’s our quest
>to someday be the very best.
-I suppose this is as good a place as any to bring this up: “an odd pair danced.” This made me think of the new episode where the twins flew about in a helix near the end instead of the choreographed cheer. Not sure what to do about this, but that's the image it gives me. Also, the cheer lasts for all of nine seconds. Not quite dancing.

>With the last words of their chant, they swooped in to land from opposite directions on one of the mountain’s outcrops.
-The chant doesn't quite end with a swooping in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrToVh_2B_E
-”from opposite directions” I'm not sure if this is necessary. Consider cutting it; I think it hinders your pacing.
-Outcrops? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outcrop

>outcrops. They
-Three spaces.

>They slid to a stop before one other, leaving twin trenches in the snow; sweat shone on both of them, their fogging breath was ragged.
-Consider splitting the sentence. The two independent clauses aren't very connected in idea.
-Comma splice between “them” and “their.”
-The comma between “other” and “leaving” seems removable.
-The chant doesn't really slide, either. In addition, I can't imagine them both “swooping in” and “[sliding] to a stop.” ...Well, I can, but considering how they can both fly, I don't see why a swooping landing wouldn't cause them to arc upwards and land softly.
-”[S]hone” implies that the object is giving off light. As cliché as it may sound, consider “glistened.”
-So my suggestions would make the sentence look something like this:
>They landed before one another, leaving craters in the snow. Sweat glistened on both of them; their fogging breath was ragged.
Now let's look at the last part: “their fogging breath was ragged.” Now, I don't like using the word “was” by itself as the verb of the sentence like that. It usually means the sentence can be made into a phrase or dependent clause. For example:
>their ragged, fogging breath
>their fogging ragged breath
Though I'm not sure where you'd put this phrase. Consider adding onto it. Alternatively, you could use “fog” as the verb,
>their ragged breath fogged.
and put this onto the end of the sentence as-is or as an adverbial phrase.
>Sweat glistened on both of them; their ragged breath fogged.
>Sweat glistened on both of them as their ragged breath fogged.
S'what I think.

>The pegasus was the first to speak. “Wow, I guess I am old,” said Rainbow Dash between pants, a youthful smile pulling at the wrinkles of her face.
-Much like the partner-griffon thing above, you make no link between “pegasus” and “Rainbow Dash.” This seems like an odd introduction for her, at that.
-I've seen this (Independent clause), (object) (participle phrase) sentence structure more times than I care for so I might be biased against it, but I disagree of your use of this structure. Consider changing the “pulling” to “pulled” and changing the comma accordingly (e.g. as, while, etc.)

>“Hey, at least we pulled off the whole routine without crashing for a change,” the griffon said with a dull look on her face.
-I thought Gilda was sent to kill her? This makes it sound like they've done this before recently. In which case, crashing? How could that come about?
-You might want to use a more descriptive word than “dull.”
-This paragraph's indent is messed up on FiMFiction.

>“It’s not my fault your big clumsy griffon wings got in the way, Gilda.” Rainbow said with a snort.
-I'm just going to assume that this period in the quote was an oversight on your part. “...Gilda,” Rainbow said...
-So where's the snort come in here? Before the dialogue? After? If it's before, you might want to move the snorting accordingly.
-Is the implication that they crashed into each other before? So they've done this multiple times recently? Why is Gilda agreeing to this?
-This paragraph's indent is messed up on FiMFiction.

>The pesgasus closed her eyes as she caught her breath.
-Pegasus. Or better yet, use “she.” Let me copy and paste something another reviewer wrote on what we here on /fic/ call Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. It's when you use things like “cyan pegasus” after you've given the character a name.
You use “the pegasus” and then “Rainbow Dash” and then “the pegasus.” By naming her, you bring her closer to the reader. By using “the pegasus”, you establish distance.

>For a second there, I wasn't, ya know, here.
-...What? I have no idea what this means. The juxtaposition of “there” and “here” doesn't quite help, either.

>She opened her eyes and her her expression melted, Gilda had thumbed open the holster on the underside of her chest.
-”her her”
-Comma splice.
-Suddenly, guns!
-I'm assuming Rainbow Dash has completely given in to Gilda, because it sounds to me like Rainbow Dash has had plenty of opportunities to jump her and take her gun.
-”closed her eyes... open her eyes” seems a tad dry because of repeated sentence structure. Consider changing.

>"You ready?" the griffon asked, drawing out her customized sub machnine gun.
-Submachine. No space, no extra N.
-Wow. Flying with that thing on her chest must've been quite hard for Gilda. ...Well, she kind of half-assed the cheer in the show, so I do suppose there's that.
-”That was fun. 'Kay, I'ma kill you now.” ...Right.
-Does the customization actually matter, or is it just detail? If it's just detail, consider removing it. Or start detailing everything End of Ponies-style. The level of detail should be consistent.

>The pegasus sighed, the last traces of her joy leaving with that breath.
-There's that structure again. Consider: “The pegasus sighed away the last traces of her joy.” or something of that ilk.

>"No," Gilda said coldly, she reached down with her beak to the knife sheathed next to her neck.
-Comma splice between “coldly” and “she.”
-I'll be honest: This image made me giggle. She has a knife in beak and a gun in claw. I'd say something about imagining Roronoa Zoro with a sword in mouth and gun in hand, but after a quick Google search, I see that that's actually totally badass. But yeah, this description of Gilda makes her look in my head like an OC where the artist tried too hard to make her look cool.
-Also, now I really can't imagine Gilda actually flying about like that. That sounds unwieldy.
-Consider moving descriptions to the introduction of characters. It sort of comes off as “Suddenly, also a knife!”

>She pulled the blade partially out before pushing it back into place, satisfied with the smoothness of the movement.
-Consider moving “partially” to before the verb.

>"So how do you wanna do this?" she asked, eyeing Rainbow over, her gun aimed down and away.
-”her gun aimed down and way” makes it seem fairly... Shall I say, busy? You're already modifying “she” with “eyeing”, and now you're presenting another object, “gun”, into the sentence with its own modifier.

>"You gonna get you weapons out or do you want to surprise me?"
-I assume you meant “your weapons.”

>Rainbow let out a single joyless laugh.
-Consider a synonym for “joyless.” Mirthless, perhaps? Shallow? Hollow?

>"No weapons to get, I had to leave the Up-and-Up in a hurry."
-Comma splice.
-Consider removing “to get” or adding an “out” after it for parallelism with “get your weapons” a paragraph earlier.

>The corner of Gilda's mouth tugged downwards.
-Seems to me like quite a wordy way of saying that she frowned.

>"Wouldn't be the first time I shot an unarmed pony," she muttered to herself, a trace of disappointment in her voice.
-I said earlier that I gave up Fo:E for Past Sins. You know what's ironic? It's because of Past Sins that I have such disdain for this (Sentence), (object) (modifier) structure. It was quite prominent in Past Sins... Quite prominent. As for why I don't like it? I think it sounds awkward and busy or incomplete. Consider “...herself with a trace...”

>Rainbow's eyes locked onto the handle of the knife next to Gilda's long, feathered neck.
-It's not really long. She has a neck as long as, say, Rainbow Dash's.

>"Wouldn't be the first time I took on a griffon unarmed, and killed her with her own weapons."
-This sounds kind of cliché. Standard “I don't need weapons” stuff.
-Consider removing the comma between “unarmed” and “and” as the conjunction doesn't separate two independent clauses.

>A smile crept across the griffon's face, "Oh-ho, is that a fact?...
-Comma splice.
-I can't imagine Gilda saying “Oh-ho” or “is that a fact”, but that's just my view of her. Those two lines make her sound more erudite than the same Gilda who said, “Hey! I'm walkin' here!”

>Rainbow Crash
-Childish insults do not blend well with murderous intent unless the one with said intent is also a child.

>With the one gone, she didn't know if she could rely on her speed anymore.
-”one” and “her speed” don't seem to blend well. Consider “one” and “the other” or “surprise” and “her speed.” ...Actually, just “speed” sans “her.”
-Also consider using “without” instead of “With... gone.”

>Thinking about rushing in close, grabbing my knife, cutting my throat as you go and then jamming it in the big hole in the side of my armour?
-Gilda can slash her own throat while drawing her knife? That sounds like a suboptimal place to keep it, then.

>Truth is, I only got one bullet left in my buddy here.
-Only one bullet in a submachine gun? Sorry, but I'm incredibly skeptical of this. It sounds like you're trying too hard to make this scene look cool. It's fairly reminiscent of the phrase “a single tear.”

>So I was thinking-
-This (—) is an em dash. It's used for showing an interruption in dialogue or thought or narrative. (It can also be used as a comma or a semicolon in some cases, but that's a different issue.) Strongly consider replacing your hyphen with it.

>"Don't hurt yourself," Rainbow shot instinctively.
-This makes her sound rather concerned about someone out to kill her. And someone she intends to kill herself.

>Gilda glared, her expression soured.
-Comma splice.

>I was thinking maybe we do this the old fashioned way, not as the trained killers we both are.
-The second half of this sentence you can probably do without.
-I'd've thought Gilda would have jumped Rainbow Dash on sight if she were a trained killer.

>Pre-Equestria style
-I can only assume this means something with respect to Fallout: Equestria because it's lost on me.

>"I'm sure your masters won’t be pleased with their dog playing on their bit," Rainbow warned, pacing in a slow circle with Gilda's eyes following her.
-I'm sure her masters won't be pleased with failure, either.
-Rainbow Dash seems really given into this with her words, but her actions indicate otherwise.

>And they want your head to get past those dorky defensive do-hickies on that whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it.
-Ah, so that's what you meant by 'key'. In that case, going back to your synopsis,
>To retrieve this "key", the pegasi hired a mercenary to bring it back. The mercenary was Gilda, an old friend from long ago. The "key" is Dash's head.
This is just exposition, and the synopsis shouldn't be “this has happened” as much as it should be “this is happening” or “this will happen.” These lines seem easily condensible and/or removable. Or replaceable with what's to come. This is only part one, right? You wouldn't read Fallout: Equestria if it said just “Littlepip lives in a post-apocalyptic Equestria,” would you?

>They never gave me a time frame, so I can kill you for days.
-I hope Gilda isn't getting paid by the hour. Likewise, I hope Gilda doesn't need the money to put food on her plate or whatever the equivalent is in this world. Also, I highly doubt they'll like waiting. Oh well, I wouldn't know because I know nothing more about this than “Gilda has masters.”

>Gilda dug her talons into the snow, her tail whipping excitedly through the air. "It's just you and me here."
-And this comes after the chant where they seemed so happy together.

(Update, 9:06 PM on Jan 17. I noticed you updated your Google Doc. Something tells me this is going to be a regular thing. Sorry, but for reasons you can probably imagine, I'm not cross-checking to see what's changed and what isn't. I download fics as a file so I can copy and paste because Opera is less than cooperative when it comes to doing so from Gdocs.) Screw it. Switching browsers so I can just copy and paste. Starting on 5:49 PM on Jan 18. Now I remember why I don't copy and paste from Google Docs. It has hidden characters. Back to ODTs.

>”You want a shot at the title, Gilda?”
-What title?

>You wanna see who's the tops between us?
-”Tops”? Is this a British thing? Consider “who's better” or “who's the best.”

>Dash pawed the ground, her eyes full of fire.
-Consider “pawed at.”
-So Dash goes from “Don't hurt yourself” to murderous intent in ten seconds flat almost instantly.

>Gilda flared her wings, a wide grin on her face.
-Dat sentence structure.

>"You wanna play? Let's play." Rainbow licked her lips. "1-2-3-go!"
-Consider deitalicizing all of this, except for maybe the “go.” I'm not a fan of italics when used closely like this in an isolated fashion.
-Consider writing out your numbers and using commas over hyphens.
>”You wanna play? Let's play.” Rainbow licked her lips. “One, two, three, go!”
-Hm. That seems a bit dry. Consider adding an “Oh” to the front of the dialogue.
-On a related note, it feels to me like there should be some kind of beat sentence between the first two sentences.
>”Oh, you wanna play?” Rainbow Dash snorted. “Let's play.”
Hm. Maybe keep this italics. Oh well. But now that I look at it even more, this seems like a lot of questions in succession, throwing off your pacing a bit.
>You want a shot at the title, Gilda?
>Is that it?
>You wanna see who's the tops between us?
>You wanna play?

>They launched at each other, kicking up snow in takeoff, leaving the rocky ground bare in their wake.
-Consider “...in takeoff and leaving the...” or just “...kicking up snow and leaving the...”

>Gilda grabbed at the pegasus’s worn barding and twisted to the side, sending them both spinning.
-What's a barding? My dictionary doesn't say anything.
-”Sending them both” makes it sound like Gilda's being sent. Consider having Gilda actively spin instead of passively being spun.

>The griffon threw her, sending her tumbling toward the sharp face of the mountain.
-Gilda, the griffon, Gilda, the griffon. You appear to have a mild case of chronic LUS. Consider “She threw Rainbow Dash, sending her...”
-Sharp face? I thought they were on a peak? That's where snow and outcrops tend to be, right? I mean, I looked up outcrops on Wikipedia and I got a peak. Maybe I missed something. I'm not the most thorough of readers.

>

>mountain. Rainbow
-Single space.

>spin, turning
-Double space.

>Rainbow flapped furiously to break her spin, turning an instant before crashing against the rocks, flaring her wings and bringing up her hooves.
-”Flaring her wings”? I thought it was bad enough that you used it once, but it flowed well the first time... Well, I put it in the same category of phrases as “Celestia's sun,” “used her magic,” “a single tear,” “furrowed her brow,” etc. In any case, I dislike the repetition of the phrase, word for word, possible general overuse of the phrase aside.
-Consider saying “flapped her wings.”
-If she flares her wings and brings up her hooves before crashing, then it should get its own sentence or independent clause. Participle phrases imply concurrency. ...Well, that's assuming I'm reading this right. With the way you've written it, it could come off as
>(turning an instant [before crashing against the rocks,]) [flaring her wings and bringing up her hooves.]
or
>turning an instant (before [crashing against the rocks], [flaring her wings] [and bringing up her hooves.])
The second example here is a list of three participle phrases (crashing, flaring, bringing) with no serial comma. If it's the second case, then you might want to consider “...before she crashed... flared... and brought...” instead.
-Well, I guess I shouldn't be saying that because I'm having trouble imagine what's actually happening.

>She struck hard, absorbing the force of the impact , legs coiled tight against her body.
-I... have no idea whether or not this was supposed to show her getting hurt or her pulling some kind of recovery.
-Space before the comma and after “impact.”
-”Striking” makes it sound like she's doing the striking, not being something used to strike. ...I hope that made sense.

>Glaring, she released the pent up energy, shooting off the rocks with enough kick to make any apple bucker proud.
-”pent up energy”? Assuming you mean elastic potential energy, you don't jump higher if you jump first. Either way, you'll be moving from a crouched position to an upright position, bringing the rest of your body with you. If you land, that energy is put into bending your legs and pushing you down. That energy is then lost to the ground. Full disclaimer: I durdled my way through my mechanical physics class and I never learned physiology, so I'm most likely making stuff up here. Why does it matter? Well, if what I say is true, then you can probably do without “released the pent up energy” and just go with “she shot off the rocks.”
-”enough kick to make any apple bucker proud.” Show, don't tell.
-Consider “energy and shot” over “energy, shooting”.

>'Just what I wanted you to do,' Rainbow thought...
-Both italics and single quotes for thoughts? Is this a British thing? I thought in British English, single quotes were for dialogue. Consider having just italics or the single quotes. I suggest italics.

>...while bringing her back right low.
-Sorry, but I have no idea what this means. Then again, I don't know a lot of things.

>low. Gilda
-Single space.

>Gilda never even saw the hoof before it struck just above her left eye. The griffon was sent rolling across the snow as Dash whipped overhead.
-This sounds easily compressible without losing meaning because one of them uses passive voice. Might I suggest “...above her left eye, sending her rolling across...”?

>With a smile far too young for her face, the rainbow haired pony turned her head back and called out, "Catch me if you can, Gilda!" She followed up with a loud raspberry.
-Oh, right. They're old. I'd completely forgotten about that ...How are they not busting a hip with every move?

>Gilda looked up from the ground, rage etched into her face, letting the blood from her cut reach her eyes.
-Goodness, that's clunky. Consider condensing to “up from the ground with rage etched into her face”? Oh, wait.
“up from the ground with her rage-etched face”, perhaps?
-”letting the blood from her cut reach her eyes” doesn't seem to put that much focus on the event. As you stuck it onto the end of this sentence, it seems like an afterthought. Consider giving it its own sentence.

>...Rainbow pounded the air with her wings.
-Consider “pounded against.”

>dive, but
-Double space.

>...there was only so much air between her and the ground and Gilda would be on her in a second...
-Consider a comma between “ground” and “and” as the “and” is used to join two independent clauses.

>She knew that her best bet to lose her pursuer would have been to play hide-and-seek around the mountain, but then it would have only been a matter of time before Gilda found Spike.
-”[P]lay hide-and-seek.” Why does this remind me so much of the picture with “Osama Bin Laden, Hide and Seek World Champion, 2001-2011”? Probably because in neither of the cases is “hide-and-seek” too suiting for the situation.
-Likewise, I disagree with the use of “best bet” in narrative. Makes the voice sound too casual in my opinion.
-Let's see, Spike, Spike...
>Went to see Spike who was still sleeping.
Right, Spike. I wouldn't have understood this without the line above, but I'm probably not your target audience, anyways. Probably still something to keep in mind, though.

>Rainbow couldn't let that happen, so she flew on, leading the griffon away.
-So I guess this is as good as any a place to say this: You appear to have chronic Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS). You keep switching between “Gilda” and “griffon”. When you use “griffon”, this makes Gilda less multidimensional. It reduces all aspects of the entity that is Gilda to just the fact that she is a griffon. While this is good for distancing her from the reader, that does not seem like your goal here.

>When Rainbow chanced a look back, she found the griffon was further back than she feared, but a lot closer than she hoped and quickly getting closer.
-See above.
-Consider “that the griffon.” Or “that Gilda.”
-” but a lot closer than she hoped and quickly getting closer.” I... I can't tell what this means.

>Dash saw that she had packed her fresh cut with her own feathers, making for a grisly looking bandage.
-Rainbow or Dash? Please stick to one.
-Grisly. I learned a new word today.
-Consider removing “Dash saw” and rewriting the head of the sentence accordingly. Alternatively, consider using “she” over “Dash.”

>The pony wracked her brain for anything that could give her an advantage.
-LUS.

>The pony wracked her brain for anything that could give her an advantage. She found herself remembering something from long ago, lying atop a bookcase while an excited voice below read from a book.
-The way this is written makes it sound rather uninspired. It's like Jimmy Neutron's brain blasts without the foreshadowing.

>The memory faded as Rainbow's own thoughts bitterly added, 'Yeah, but I just flew from the only mountain in the area, I don't have anything to camouflage myself with, the forests are radiation choked deathvilles, and if I go into the cloud layer, I'll probably run into a pegasus patrol who will shoot me on sight. So thanks for nothing, egghead.'
-You have Rainbow Dash recite lines from an old book she read ages ago. Or something. I would kill for the ability to pull from a seemingly photographic memory under pressure like that.
-And then she berates the author while being chased by a killer griffon. If I were in her situation, I wouldn't be thinking, 'Thanks for nothing, author of a book I read long ago.' I'd be thinking, 'Oh shit fuck motherfuck shit god save me fuck shitcocks she's gaining shit fuck fuck fuck fuck.'
-Hyphen between “radiation” and “choked.”
-”Deathvilles”? As in villages of death? Certainly you can find a better phrase. In part because I think “deathville” sounds uninspired, in part because forests aren't villages.

>Rainbow came up with increasingly unlikely plans to get the griffon to land.
-Either Rainbow Dash doesn't know how serious her situation is or, more likely, doesn't care. Seems like a poor place to put what I'm guessing is supposed to be comic relief.

>Wait, does she even like guys?
-Called it.

>I'll just say both are in there, play it safe.
-That sounds terrible. That'd attract attention away from her.

>Her wings locked to her side and she dropped like a stone, managing to only lose a chunk of multi-colour mane to the deadly razors.
-She'd still move forward, and I don't think she'd fall fast enough to not get slashed. She'd have to do a barrel roll or something. I think.
-If it's assumed that the reader knows who RBD is, it can be assumed that the reader knows what color her hair is. Consider cutting “multi-colour.” If not, then nix the hyphen. You use “multicolour” later on.

>Radiaton, schmadiation, if I can’t slow her down...
-I would call this a comma splice.

>At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here.
-Comma splice.

>...outer-most edge of the grove, and began to spiral inwards...
-Comma unnecessary.
-She aimed where now? Spiral inwards towards what? Is she flying in a giant circle?

>spiral inwards towards the center and, hopefully, a plan.
-This sounds pretty awkward, comparing a physical destination to an intangible one.

>Leaves slapped her face as she flew, dodging the thicker branches and weaving in between the trees.
-Modifier error. Makes it sound like the leaves were doing the dodging.
-Consider “her in the face”

>Behind her, the sound of branches being snapped let her know that Gilda was behind her.
-And then Gilda kept flying into branches.

>The pony bit her lip and started looking for her brilliant plan to get out of the situation alive.
-Consider “for a brilliant plan” instead.

>...get out of the situation alive.
>The fleeing pony scanned around in the...
-The transition between these two paragraphs (or the lack thereof) seems pretty rough.

>The fleeing pony scanned around in the half seconds she had between dodging, the first thing she noticed were nozzles jammed into some of the trees.
-Wow, this sentence is huge and dense. Let's try to break it up. First, comma splice.
-Next, “thing” and “were” is a subject-verb disagreement.
>The fleeing pony scanned around in the half seconds she had between dodging. The first things she noticed were nozzles jammed into some of the trees.
-Now for some questions. Why “half seconds”? Maybe I just have a bias against using “half” as a prefix, but surely you can find a better noun. Maybe “moment” or “instant.”
-Next, “between dodging”. There's two ways I see this, and they both raise issues. The first is alone. In that case, dodging what? Gilda's claws? The trees? The sentence feels incomplete. The second way is in context. Taking the phrase “dodging the thicker branches and weaving in between the trees” into account, this feels incomplete and repetitive because you use the same verb twice.
-After that, “the first things.” This makes it sound like there are more things she's noticing. Reading the rest of the paragraph, she does notice more things, but you don't use the same “nth things” structure. Consider removing “the first things” or adding “nth things” for parallelism.
-Then we have “nozzles jammed into some of the trees.” I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're talking about the sap and buckets from Fall Weather Friends. This is what I imagine a nozzle to look like: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/11/Water_nozzle.jpg Consider “faucet”, “spigot”, “spout”, or “tap.”

> before. She
-Single space.

>She knew what it meant, and the wheels turned in her head.
-”wheels turned in her head” seems too comical for the situation to me. Is this intentional? I'm, uh... I'm going to just assume it is.
-I'm starting to think that the tags were misleading, so I'm going to disregard them. Note to self: Don't trust tags to tell me what a story should feel like.

>She saw hoof prints in the ground, maybe a day old; this added the grease of plausibility to the wheels turning.
-...What wheels? The ones in her head?
-If so, what plausibility? I'm assuming the grease is metaphorical.
-“Hoofprint” exists as a word, less common than “hoof print.”
-This “this did X” structure seems really unwieldy. To me, it's reminiscent of Past Sins, pre-revisions. Consider “old, adding (the) grease of...” or something else completely.

>The weaving continued as she looked for the right combo...
-Consider “She continued to weave as...” It has a word more, but it puts the focus on Rainbow Dash.
-A right combo? What's this? A combination to a lock holding something she wants? A combination of attacks to unleash upon Gilda once she regains the element of surprise or once she's cornered?

>an upright bucket under a nozzle.
-The combination of a bucket under a nozzle. Well, that was a bit of a letdown. Consider:
>She continued to weave about as she looked for a bucket under a tap.
Modify to flavor.

>nozzle. She
>time. While
-Single space.

>eye, she
-Double space.

>Out of the corner of her eye, she saw what she was looking for. Two buckets that would be within reach in the next pass around the orchard.
-This seems easily condensible. If not, the second sentence is a fragment, anyways. Consider:
>Out of the corner of her eye, she found some: two buckets that would...
>Out of the corner of her eye, she saw two buckets...
or something of that sort.
-This seems kind of poorly paced. “She was looking for something. She was running out of time. She found that something.”

>She dodged behind the thickest tree and went low, catching both buckets by the handle with her forelegs; she let go the breath she had been holding at the confirmation that they were full.
-Goodness, that's a mouthful.
-So much dodging and weaving.
-Thickest tree? What significance does that have?
-Breath? What breath?
-”Confirmation that they were full.” Goodness, that's another mouthful. On that note, I believe this bears repeating: Breath? What breath?
-There does not appear to be a discernible narrative voice. Rainbow Dash did this, did that, thought this, said that... I'm giving this issue only one bullet point here, but from what I can tell so far, to me, it's the largest issue in your fic. (Second is description, or the seeming lack thereof. This may be related to the first.)

>'Phase one complete, now for phase two of operation "Please Don't Let This Griffon Kill Me",' she thought to herself.
-Comma splice between “complete” and “now.”
-Please? Why is she pleading? She's Rainbow Dash. She should be demanding.
-I thought operations were stylized as “Operation <Name here>.” In your case, it would be “Operation Please Don't Let This Griffon Kill Me” without quotation marks.
-Consider moving the name to after “phase one.”
-”[T]hought to herself.” Well, I would assume she wouldn't be thinking to anyone else. Consider removing the “to herself.”

>The pony was rewarded with a look of shock on Gilda's face when she spun round the next tree and charged her head-on.
-Rewarded? That seems like an odd choice of verb, given the situation.
-”round”? Did you mean “around”? If not, then it seems rather awkward.

>"Head's up, G," she called as flew inches above, upending both buckets at the same time.
-...she called as she flew...
-Above what?
-You could probably do without “at the same time.”

>The thick brown liquid...
-...Right. You can imagine what I imagined what this was when I saw this without you saying what it actually is.
-Somehow, Rainbow Dash knew that the buckets wouldn't be empty? Upright bucket under a tap need not mean that the bucket has something in it.

(Update, Jan 26: Noticed that your FiMFiction link was used on Equestria Daily. I'll be using that until further notice. Damn, I'm slow.)

>"Try looking around sometime, Gilda," the raibow pegasus chided as she pushed down on a sapling.
-LUS. And you spelled “rainbow” wrong.
-Pushed down on a sapling. Wait, is she... Let's look ahead a bit.
>Rainbow Dash winked, folded in her wings, and was catapulted into the sky.
Yup. She is. If Google Images is trustworthy, saplings aren't really... wood.

>She had bent the sapling back until it was touching the ground and settled herself on top, the force of her flapping wings holding it in place.
-Dat sentence structure.

>"Ugh," the enraged Gilda stopped thrashing...
-”Ugh.” The enraged...
-So if she stops thrashing, is she still enraged?

>I swear, I'm gonna have to kill you on principle alone for that one.
-I cannot imagine Gilda saying “I swear.” But that might just be me.

>Seriously, I’m going to kill you. A lot.
-She'll kill Rainbow Dash so mortally that Rainbow Dash will fatally die to death. “A lot” seems like it could be replaced with something else more suitable. Like some kind of descriptor. “Slowly”, “painfully”, “over and over”, “strangle you with your own intestines”, “shove your own lungs down your throat”, “I'm going to slowly strangle you with your own intestines then painfully shove your own lungs down your throat and then perform CPR just so I could do it over and over again”, etc.
-So far, I consider this to be the only positive point of the fic. I don't mean mood-wise, I mean interest-wise. Everything else so far has been fairly bland. That's not negative, but I don't think non-negative is something to settle for.

>She opened her wings and angled for the pink spot on the horizon, ignoring the three competing thoughts screaming in her head.
-Pink spot? This is new. What pink spot?

>'She was down and mostly defensless, you could have taken her out for good,' a voice much like her own scolded.
-Much like her own? So not her voice, just one like it?
-Comma splice after “defens[e]less”.
-Defenseless is missing an 'e'.

>She joked with you, you should have tried talking with her more.
-Comma splice.

>'Maybe you can remind her of old times, you don't have to be alone out here,' a youthful voice pleaded.
-Comma splice.
-So Rainbow Dash is schizophrenic now?

>That orchard was cared for, there's a pony alive there, probably sick from radiation.
-Comma splice after “for”.
-Why would a pony dying because of radiation care for an orchard? Or how, for that matter?

>'You coulda searched, coulda found them, coulda helped them.' a disciplined voice berated.
-Comma after the second “them”.
-Consider “searched for them” for... I don't remember the word. Anaphora? Wikipedia says epistrophe. Big words I can't spell. Ah well.

>It was only the last voice she paid any credence, 'You made a promise, you will keep it.'
-Comma splice.

-You appear to be missing a preposition in the first half. Replace “credence” with “attention”:
>It was only the last voice she paid any attention.
It sounds like it's missing a “to” or “to which”.

>Dash's rainbow tail would be a shining beacon under the permanently grey skies.
-I thought she could control that. I'm not actually sure.

>'This isn't just a Pinkie balloon that was knocked loose, this is a full on air ship,' she thought as the enormity of the blimp before her became clear.
-With this much “Rainbow Dash thought X”, you may want to consider switching to third person limited.
-Enormity does not mean size. Enormity means crime against humanity or something on that level. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/enormity

>A regular Pinkie balloon was just a platform attached to a big pink balloon with a big pink face on it.
-Piggy face?

>It even had little legs to complete the look.
-Piggy legs?

>She flew from behind the massive tail and saw gold letters emblazoned across the side, "Pinkie's Party Passage".
-Consider using a colon instead of a comma here.
-Consider adding “in” or something before “from”.

>The building on the underside was dark brown with a yellowish roof made to look like cake frosting dribbling down the side; even the windows and balconies added to the cake-y appearance.
-”Even”, “just”, “apparently”, “actually”... (Usually) filler words, the lot of them.
-The way this is phrased makes it sound like the yellowish roof is on the underside of the cake building.
-How do windows and balconies add to a cake-y appearance?
-”Cake-y”. Making a noun an adjective by adding -y to the end in narrative is... Eh. That's really all I can say about that. Eh. ...Oh, wait. I should also say that cakey and caky are words, meaning cake-like.
-I now assume that this building looks like a cake with windows, despite the fact that you never said so. You said the roof looked like cake frosting and that the windows added to a “cake-y appearance”, but you never actually say that it looks like a cake. Kind of like the “more tea” deal between Alice and the Mad Hatter in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

>'I remember her talking about that, but I never got to see it in the oversized canvas flesh,' Rainbow thought as she reached out and lightly touched the back right "hoof".
-Initial reaction: Um. What?
-Secondary reaction: I have no idea what this means. Elaborate? The only reason I can assume “she” refers to Pinkie is because you called it a Pinkie balloon. Likewise, I assume that “hoof” refers to the balloon, but that requires a leap of logic. I have no idea what the balloon looks like. I'm assuming it looks like Team Rocket's Meowth balloon in the Pokemon anime in the way that it's a giant head with tail and tiny appendages sticking out of it.

>Letting out a little sigh, she dipped low and went looking for the main entrance.
-Why the sigh? What's the purpose of touching the hoof?
-Where is the main entrance?

>entrance. Round
-Quadruple space.

>Round the front of the building was a large set of doors, the sign above advertised that any ponies getting on or off should be careful on the gangplank.
-Comma splice.
-That's not an advertisement as much as it is a warning.
-So the front is under the face? It's fairly hard to tell which side is the front of a cake.
-On that note, is the cake round or rectangular? Or domed?

>She couldn't stop herself from smiling before pushing the doors open.
>Stepping into the main lobby, she was greeted with an oppressive silence.
-Well, that was rather dissonant.

> Nothing had walked through these halls in sometime, a layer of dust hung on everything.
-Comma splice.
-Some time, in this case. Two words.

>Despite this, she couldn’t help but feel the cheerful atmosphere the building once held.
-Have you seen the pictures of the amusement park near Chernobyl? It's haunting. http://www.cracked.com/article/181_the-6-creepiest-places-earth_p2/ (Item #1 on the countdown.)

>The chandelier over head was nothing if not a cupcake suspended upside down, complete with muticoloured lights giving the look of sprinkles.
-If not a... What? It seems to me like “nothing if not a” is there just to pad words.
-”Overhead” as an adverb is one word.
-This seems compactible. “The chandelier overhead was a cupcake suspended upside-down, sprinkled with multicoloured lights/bulbs/lightbulbs.” Edit to flavor. Mainly trying to cut “giving the look of” with this.

>The two desks, marked “check in” and “check ya later” respectively, had splatters of colour across their formal surface as though the cupcake overhead had dripped frosting over them.
-Consider cutting the first “The”. It makes it sound like you've already established the existence of the desks, which you haven't.
-”Formal” surface? As opposed to casual surface? I have no idea what that means.
-You use “overhead” twice rather closely together. Consider “above”.
-You can probably lose “respectively”. It doesn't add to your narrative, as the two desks are introduced together.


>Even the floor was stylized like a giant cinnamon bun.
-Even, actually, just, in truth, apparently, etc. All filler words, more often than not.
-”Stylized like a giant cinnamon bun.” So it was brown, soft, warm, sticky, and glazed? Also, I thought UK spelling was “stylised”.

>The whole thing reminded Rainbow Dash she hadn’t eaten in the last day.
-”Thing” is one of the blandest nouns you could use to describe a thing with. Since we know what the thing is, consider “ensemble”, “design”, “room”, “lobby”, some combination thereof, or something else entirely.

>She took another step forward, suddenly blinded by a flash of light coming from the center of the chpandelier.
-This makes it sound like the step was the result of the flash of light, or like the step happened at the same time as the flash. Shouldn't the flash come after the step? Compare:
>Suddenly blinded by a flash of light […], she took another step forward.
or
>The student rolled around on the ground, suddenly blinded by pepper spray.

>Rainbow fell back on her haunches, opening her eyes to a smiling pink pony standing in the middle of the room, the grey stripes in her mane making her look like a candy cane.
-Good god, that's a huge sentence.
-”[O]pening her eyes.” I know that you said “blinded” in the previous sentence, but it somewhat bothers me that you never said that Rainbow Dash said she closed her eyes.
-Dat sentence structure. You have a participle phrase tacked onto another participle phrase.
-Grey and pink candy cane? That's... new to me.

>While every instinct in her body was reminding her that Gilda would be catching up to her soon, and that she had no time to waste, Rainbow Dash sat quietly and watched her friend talk.
-The comma between “soon” and “and” should be removed as it does not separate two independent clauses.
-Every instinct? Like the instinct that tells you where you can find water or which way is north? Might want a different word.

>...the shimmering pony said, the corners of her mouth pulled down.
-Dat sentence structure.

>Everypony is worried about what tomorrow will bring and Equestria keeps changing and it can seem awfully dark and lonely. So me and my team worked real hard to make this ship to show you all that it isn't that bad and to turn those sad frowns upside down.
-These sentences seem awkwardly punctuated.

>Pinkie's face returned to it's naturally smiling state, framing her mouth with her forehooves.
-This makes it sound like her face has forehooves, since “face” is the subject of the sentence.
-”Its.” No apostrophe.

>Pinkie's Party Passage, or The P3, was built to show any and all that, though times are hard, the world is still a wonderful place.
-”Any and all” sounds a bit too formal for Pinkie Pie.
-Looking ahead, I see “...at the P3, the hard part...” Since “the” isn't capitalized here, you might want to decapitalize “The” in this sentence.

>”We'll be going to all the best sites and with ponies coming and going all the way, so you're sure to make lots of new friends," the ghostly image stood on her hind legs and waved her forelges in the air.
-...friends.” The...
-I'm not sure what the dialogue meant. Did you mean to remove the “and” or the “so” or something else?
-”hind legs” and “forelegs” together sounds kind of repetitive and clunky. Try “rear” as a verb.

>the ghostly image stood on her hind legs and waved her forelges in the air. "So give me a great big grin and get ready to join the party!"
-I'm assuming these two lines are supposed to happen at the same time. If such is the case, it doesn't sound like it. Consider joining with a conjunction or something.

>She dropped back to all fours and took one step forward, looking Rainbow in the eyes.
-Consider “a” over “one.”

>"Just remember, wonderful friends, at the P3, the hard part isn't finding a party, it's knowing when to say goodbye."
-Comma splice.

>Rainbow wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. It came away damp.
-Single space between sentences.
-This felt... forced.

>She stood back up with shaky legs and...
-Why shaky?

>/// /// ///
-Point of personal preference: I think this looks ugly. Consider using something else. FiMFiction allows for horizontal breaks, right? Though, if you think those are ugly, I can't fault you for that.

>It was only minutes after Rainbow had left the the lobby that another figure stepped into the echoing halls.
-Another figure? Who could that possibly be? Is it Gilda? It's totally Gilda. And you're going to slowly reveal that it's Gilda instead of just saying that it's Gilda, making this buildup completely pointless. Right?

>Gilda silently looked over the trails in the dust leading down one of the long halls to the cabins.
-Guess not.
-Why “silently”? Is there another way to look? Well, I suppose she could trip over something.
-What trails? Dirt trails? Roomba trails? I don't know anything about Fallout: Equestria, but if they have smartphones for watches, they probably have Roombas, or so I would think.

>At least, that's what Rainbow Dash guessed had happened after watching Gilda disappear in the main entrance from just inside the cloud layer.
-This “Oh, it's in her head” thing is pretty jarring, especially considering that you're doing it right after a scene break.
-Consider “into” over “in”.

>"I'm sorry Pinkie, but there's no one left to enjoy your cruise ship," she whispered at the face of the balloon far below.
-Need this be said aloud?

>She left the cloud and began a steep dive aiming right at inflated pink back. 'I bring it down, trapping Gilda inside for a few hours and use the rainboom to launch me to Canterlot, after that I'll be able to hide from her wherever I want, she'll never find me,' she thought as the wind resistance picked up. 'I'll be alone.’
-...What? What just happened? This doesn't sound like a paragraph as much as it does a grab bag of vaguely related sentences.

>She left the cloud and began a steep dive aiming right at inflated pink back.
-This sentence sounds like it demands to be elaborated upon.
-”Inflated pink back?”
-Comma after “dive.”
-”Right.” Adding that to the list of usually filler words, right along “just”, “even”, “apparently”, etc.

>I bring it down, trapping Gilda inside for a few hours and use the rainboom to launch me to Canterlot
-That sounds kind of fatal.
-If the balloon can be brought down by one pegasus without tools, wouldn't it have been raided long ago? How is it still up? That seems terrifyingly fragile.
-Does the rainboom launch? Is it a cause of Rainbow Dash's speed, or an effect?
-Why Canterlot?

>...Canterlot, after...
-Comma splice.

>...after that I'll be able to hide from her wherever I want...
-Consider a comma after “that.”
-Hide from her wherever she wants. Like Canterlot? Is that a... I don't know.

>want, she'll
-Splice.

>I'll be alone.
-This seems ridiculously out of place. Even more so if Canterlot is populated.

>"Oh you shit!" Gilda screamed from below as she burst out of the main doors, tearing them from their hinges.
-...What—how? Is Gilda psychic?
-Is this one or two sentences? I can't tell.
-Comma after “Oh.”
-You burst out of a building. You burst through its doors. Unless the doors have volume that you can fit in and is made of paper or something, so you can burst out of them.

>"Was that your lame ass plan?"
-”Lame ass” should be one word or hyphenated. As it is, it sounds like the plan is either lame and involves asses or like it involves asses that are lame.

>"Gilda, get outta the way, I'm not stopping!," Rainbow called back as she got closer to breaking the sound barrier.
-Exclamation mark plus comma at the end of a quote do not mix.
-”As she got closer to breaking the sound barrier.” Very technical. Very flat.
-Gilda burst out the front doors. Does this mean the front doors of the cake building are under the balloon's backside?
-So if Rainbow Dash was aiming for the balloon, how would Gilda be in her way? I would have assumed that Gilda would try to intercept Dash instead of flying straight at her, especially since their two paths are at angles with each other.
-Why wouldn't she stop? Her plan was to drop Gilda in it, right?

>'If I catch her in the blast, she'll still be knocked for enough of a loop for me to get away,' she quickly rethought her plan.
-Because “rethought” has an object, this makes this a comma splice. Let's separate it.
>'If I catch her in the blast, she'll still be knocked for enough of a loop for me to get away.' She quickly rethought her plan.
-Now it sounds awkward because of wording. Switching it around, we get
>She quickly rethought her plan. 'If I catch her in the blast, she'll still be knocked for enough of a loop for me to get away.'
-Now that it sounds better (to me), let's go over the actual content. What blast? The blast you get when you make a hole in a balloon? If it's full of hydrogen, it doesn't explode; it just burns and crashes.
-But assuming that there is a blast, it would be very hot and fiery. The Hindenburg disaster had crew members jumping out at fatal drop distances because they couldn't stand the heat.
-If the blast is just wind, then... Well, my suspension of disbelief is kind of spent, then.

>'But if I hit her straight on-,' she didn't finish the thought.
-That dash and comma do not mix.
-Likewise, comma splice. Consider “ '...on—' She didn't...”
-Given their angle, hitting her straight on isn't likely.
-This “She didn't finish the thought” line feels cliché when used out of dialogue. And sometimes also in dialogue.

>(That paragraph)
-felt very weak.

>"You wanna play chicken with a griffon, chump?" Gilda bellowed, bringing her talons to bare.
-Let's look at the insults she's used for Dash: Bitch. Shit. Dweeb. Chump. Bit of a mixed bag in terms of harshness.
-”Bringing her talons to bare.” Sounds a bit wordy. Consider “baring her talons.”
-What's special about playing chicken with a griffon?

>Rainbow searched the griffon's face for any hint of fear or friendly recognition.
-LUS.
-Why would she look for friendly recognition in she-who-has-clearly-showed-intent-to-kill-her?

>She found only grim determination.
-This seems easily mergable with the sentence above.

>'It's now or never,' she thought desperately as the air went elastic around her.
-Adverbs usually tell, not show. Also, how does one think desperately?
-”Went elastic”? What does... Assuming you mean the mach cone thing that Rainbow Dash gets surrounded by when she performs a Sonic Rainboom, I'm certain you can find a better phrase for this. “Went” as a verb when not meaning “traveling from place A to place B” or preceded by a person/sentient being feels tawdry to me.

>"NOW!" Gilda roared loudly beating her wings harder than Dash had ever seen her.
-All caps for shouting when used not to distinguish it from other shouting makes me sadface.
-”Roared loudly” seems redundant.
-Comma after “loudly.” Or, should you choose to remove it, after “roared.” Or did you mean that she is beating her wings loudly? In that case, comma after “roared” as well.
-If she is her wings loudly, then consider “roared, beating her wings loudly and harder than Dash...”

>In an instant, there were claws at her throat, both of them thrown back into sky.
-Both what? Gilda's claws?
-Thrown back into the sky? I'm afraid you've lost me. This sounds like part of a bad interpretive dance routine.

>Gilda hammered into the pegasus's stomach with her free hand.
-I thought Gilda was a little more eviscerate-y than that.
-LUS.
-Free hand? Why is only one of them free? The way I read it, it would be either neither (around RD's neck) or both (interpretive dance, waving her hands in the air).
-”Hand”? Did you mean claw? Or maybe you call them hands. But I'm pretty sure you said “claw” earlier.

>She delivered another heavy blow to the pony’s stomach.
-LUS.

>“After seeing you do that tired trick a few more times..."
-Dat open quotation mark. It doesn't match your others.

>She delivered a blow right between the pegasus's magenta eyes and released her throat, letting her fall.
-LUS.
-Is “magenta” necessary?

>This is your last chance! No more games!
-Single space

>You're gonna fight me and you're gonna do it right!
-Comma after “me”.

>Rainbow's vision went from double to just blurry as she tried to shake off the beating.
-Wouldn't it go from blurry to double as the eyes refocus?

>'Gotta regroup,' she thought and flipped over in the air, bringing her wings out.
-There's so many “Rainbow Dash thought X” lines in here that third person omniscient doesn't seem to fit your narrative too well.

>"Great, so now the trap is the plan," she chided at herself as she blew past the lobby and down the hall.
-This is the second time you used “chided.”
-Consider removing “at” or “at herself”. You don't “reproach at someone”, you “reproach someone.”

>She ducked into a room marked "Dance Hall" noticing the heavy doors and rapidly trying to jam ideas together into something resembling a plan.
-Comma between “Hall” and “noticing.”
-Doesn't “the trap is the plan” from the previous sentence imply that she has a plan?

>The vast hall was completely empty, but gave a strange haunted feel with the walls being painted to show the silhouettes of different types of ponies performing various dance moves.
-Comma is removable here.
-”Being” as a verb is one of those words that I think are almost always better off removed or replaced with some other verb. Compare “...feel with the walls painted to show...” or “..feel with the walls showing...” or “but a strange haunted feel emanated from the paintings of dancing ponies on the wall” or something of the sort.
-I said “dancing ponies” above because I think it's less unwieldy than “different types of ponies performing various dance moves” but means pretty much the same thing. If that isn't descriptive enough, try “various paintings/murals of dancing ponies' silhouettes” something. I'm trying to condense “different types of ponies” and “performing various dance moves” here.

>Off in the corner of the brightly tiled hall, on a raised bit of floor was a pile of instruments and next to the main doors was a bin full of canes and umbrellas, leftovers from the guests and entertainment.
-You might want to introduce the fact that the hall is tiled brightly as soon as possible. That is to say, introduce descriptions about the hall as soon as you introduce the hall.
-No comma after “hall”; comma after “instruments.”
-What guests? What entertainment? I suppose being able to introduce information like this comes with having a third person omniscient narrator, but if this isn't addressed later, I will be wondering what you meant. And if it is addressed later, I will be wondering why you didn't say so earlier.
-After the megabombs exploded, they still had canes and umbrellas?

>She decided on the least stupid thing she could think of, grabbed as many canes as she could fit in her mouth, and stepped behind the door.
-Dat word ”thing.”

>Mere seconds later, Gilda blew into the hall.
-It's the use of both opinion lines like “mere” and fact lines like “leftovers from the guests and entertainment” that make me feel that your perspective is in a bit of a mess.

>"That includes hide and seek!" She slammed a discarded cello into the piano, destroying both.
-Single space.
-What piano? Consider “a” instead of “the”, or consider establishing the existence of the piano before this.

>Taking the opportunity, the pegasus slipped around the door and back into the hallway.
-...What opportunity? The opportunity of Gilda being blinded by rage or something? Where was this rage when she had RD by the throat?

>"What are you, five?" Gilda called through the door as she continued pounding at it.
-That'd be one smart five year old.
-Seems like a weak insult.

>Rainbow didn't have long.
-Consider making this the first sentence of the next paragraph.

>As she turned down the hall marked "Cabins" she was struck by a horrible odor.
-Consider a comma after “Cabins.”
-What odor? Show, don't tell.

>The carpets beneath her were covered in designs to look as though covered in confetti and the walls had streamers painted across them, the colourfulness mixed with horror of what she saw before her felt like some pervese joke.
-”Perverse”, I'm assuming you meant.
-”To look as though” feels so wordy, and you use “covered” twice. Consider something like “covered in confetti-like designs” or “covered in designs like confetti” or even “carpets beneath her were patterned with confetti” or something.

>Rancid bodies lay neatly on the beds made to look like slices of pie with whipped cream pillows, empty medicine bottles and needles on the floor finished the story.
-Comma splice. I suggest replacing the comma with a period and capitalizing “empty.”
-”Made to look” sounds like “to look as though” in the way that it seems wordy. Consider “pie slice beds” or something to complement “whipped cream pillows.”
-This “finished the story” phrase like feels like you're trying to say, “HEY, READER, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED HERE!” With the all caps. Consider just “Empty medicine bottles and needles were scattered across the floor” or something. Show; don't tell.

> 'You saw the world end from the comfort of your flying hotel,' she tried to stop herself from thinking.
-The main verb of your sentence here is “tried.” It should be “thinking” or some tense variation thereof, since you have a thought there.
-Not to mention that “she tried to stop herself from thinking” sounds awkward.

>'You didn't get caught in any of the blasts and you were protected from the worst of the radiation, but the ship's computer kept going, showing the sites of the apocalypse. You didn't want to see any more.'
-How did the flying hotel survive this if it could be brought down by one pegasus?
-”We're safe from the apocalypse! But because we have to look at the result, let's kill ourselves.” This baffles me.

>The next room had two ponies with a small body peeking between them.
-A survivor?

>'I don't blame you.'
-The turrets from Portal come to mind.

>(That paragraph)
-After the part with all the puns, I consider this to be the second high point in the story. Not by importance or quality, but by how much I liked it. It was very serene. ...Considering how Rainbow Dash is running for her life, that might be a bad thing.

>Rainbow's heart stopped.
-This feels like it should be its own paragraph. Maybe.

>...with our cloud walking spell specialist.
-Consider a hyphen for “cloud walking.”

>Rainbow Dash fought a panic building in her.
-Panic is what happens when you realize you'll be killed on sight upon entering a city, not when you realize the aforementioned city is a complete and deserted wreck.

>She had seen Cloudsdale after it had been hit, once, from miles and miles away. [...] She couldn't stand to see it up close. She was torn between a desire to flee out the nearest window and to hide in a closet until they had passed to their next stop on the ghoulish tour.
-She had... She couldn't... She was...

>Her thoughts stopped at the next room.
-But her body kept moving by.

>room. It
-Single space.

>It wasn't that this room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies, it was one body in particular that gave her pause; a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
-Consider “it was that” to complement “it wasn't that.”
-Oh, wait. I see. Yeah. Comma splice between “ponies” and “it.” No, I don't count this as narrative license because of the minute difference in structure. So in that case, consider one of the following or something similar:
>It wasn't that this room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies, it was that one body in particular: a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
>It wasn't that this room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies. It was that one body in particular that gave her pause: a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
>The room was filled with nearly a dozen decaying ponies, but it was one body in particular that gave her pause: a unicorn wearing a fancy ensemble which she recognized.
-Consider removing “gave her pause.” This is what I see, including the previous sentence: “The next room gave her pause. It wasn't (stuff), it was (other stuff) that gave her pause.” This will require more restructuring.
-Consider “that” over “which.”

>The colour was all wrong, but the dress and ridiculously over-sized hat were Rarity originals.
-If the colors were wrong, are they still Rarity originals? I assume the “colour” you mention is of the dress and hat.
-Consider “colours were” instead of “colour was.”

>Rainbow Dash herself had served as a model for the dress as a favor for the fashionista during its design.
-Favour?

>She thought of the uncomfortable hours standing as still she could as the the unicorn had circled her.
-LUS.
-”the the”

>...the dozens upon dozen of pins jammed in, each one pricked her at least once.
-Consider “pricking” over “pricked.” As is, it's a comma splice.

>She would give anything to be back in that shop facing that slow torture.
-Now that the tangent flashback is over, you're going to transition back into the present, right?

>The sound of the distant ballroom door shattering let her know she had run out of time.
-...That works. Huh. This is getting better.

>Only one plan had come together in her mind since leaving the griffon to tear apart the ballroom.
-LUS.

>It was not a good plan.
-Right. I like this. I suggest changing this entire chapter into third person limited from Dash's perspective, as you appear to have employed right after I said your perspective changes were dizzying.

>(That paragraph)
-had very little variation in sentence structure. Seems kind of stilted.

>She climbed onto the pile of bodies.
-Why not fly? Or is she climbing into the pile of bodies?

>/// /// ///
-You have two empty lines between this and your previous paragraph here, but above, you only have one between the end of the first scene and the scene break. Consider adding one more empty line up there.

>The sounds of claws softly clicking on the tile floor was deafening as it got closer.
-I... uhhh...
>The sounds of claws softly clicking on the tile floor was deafening as it got closer.
Yeah.
-”Deafening” seems like too much. Gilda would have to be smashing her claws against the floor to make it that loud, and that would probably result in nontrivial injuries.

>The progress would stop each time she came to a door, if open, the pause would be a few seconds long and then resume.
-Ah, and you were doing so well.
-”The progress”? What progress? Her progress? In that case, why not just “She stopped each time”?
-Either the comma before “if” is a comma splice and “if open” modifies door or the comma there shouldn't be there
-Consider “...came to a door. If it was open, she paused for a few...” over ”...came to a […] would be a few...”
-Unless the pause was in the clicking. If so, say so.

>If the door was closed, a splintering crack sounded before the trek down the hall.
-I had to read this five times before getting what you meant.

>The pegasus held her breath as the sound of claws came to the doorway.
-LUS.
-”Sound”? Consider a more descriptive word. “Clicking” worked before; I don't see why it wouldn't work now.

>"This is just pathetic Dash," Gilda said with a sigh.
-Consider a comma after “pathetic.”
-Consider “Gilda sighed” or “sighed Gilda” over “Gilda said with a sigh.”

>"Get up, if you make me dig you out of there, I'm gonna make you regret it."
-She's going to kill her anyways. This is what I don't get—why is she making schoolyard bully threats when she's a hired mercenary/assassin who can kill without weapons?
-Comma splice after “up.”

>Stop fucking cowering, I see you hiding there.
-Comma splice.

>Gilda stepped in the room, her wings famed in the door way.
-When I googled “door way” with quotation marks, it still decided to return results for “doorway.” Consider “doorway.”
-Wiktionary does not list “famed” as a word related to anything besides “famous”, and I don't quite think that's what you're going for.

>"Okay, you wanna do this hard way? I'll drag you out and throw what's left back in there before I burn this stinking mausoleum to the ground."
-Isn't the building in the air? Can one burn something afloat to the ground? “I burned the airplane to the ground.” Hmm.
-Gilda's temper seems to fluctuate quite wildly. I would expect her to be vomiting fire or something by now.

>Gilda grabbed the armoured shoulder peeking from the pile of rotting ponies. She froze when the moldy coat with patches of putrid flesh raised into view.
-Zombie? Or is Gilda lifting it up? It looks like zombie. Also, “raised into view” sounds rather awkward.

>ceiling. Gilda
-Single space.

>Gilda had only started turning her head up before the light went out on her.
-Rainbow Dash killed the lights? ...What lights? Fluorescent lights? A lamp? I say that if you use part of the scenery after the start of the scene, you have to introduce it at the start of the scene.

>The over-sized hat went snug and tight over the griffon's head.
-So no light? Or did RD turn the lights off and bag Gilda's head with the hat afterward? It sounds like the former, but it sounds like it could easily be the latter, as it sounds like you left out information here.
-LUS

>The fancy dress wound round the griffon’s forearms and wings, then the jacket belonging to one of the stallions, then another dress.
-LUS.
-”Round”? Consider “around.”
-The way this is structured makes it sound like... Well, let me rewrite it.
>The fancy dress wound round the griffon’s forearms and wings, then round the jacket belonging to one of the stallions, then round another dress.

>In seconds the griffon was on the floor, her tail lashing the air and her upper body bound tight to her body in very expensive fabric.
-Expensive tells instead of shows. The difference between a shoddy rag and an avant-garde dress is a designer label.

>Rainbow Dash landed gently and touched a hoof her chin while the griffon flopped on the room's floor.
-LUS.

>"Fabulous."
-Can't imagine RD saying this, even in jest.

>The pony gave the room a glance over.
-LUS.

>Deciding that the candy cane lamp on the nightstand was the heaviest thing in sight, she grabbed it up in her mouth and turned to the writhing, swearing griffon.
-LUS.
-Need you say “in her mouth”?

>'Nap time, G,' Dash thought to her as she craned her neck back.
-Dash thought to her? So Gilda is psychic! ...What? No? Well, in that case, consider removing “to her”. Or have Dash say it aloud.
-Craned her neck back? If you meant for RD to pull the lamp back for more force, then you might want to say that instead of implying it.

>Gilda's right paw struck the cyan pegasus's chest hard enough to send her stumbling back.
-LUS in its purest form. Fact: Before Lavender Unicorn Syndrome became commonly used, we reviewers used to call it “how people kept using 'cyan pegasus' instead of 'Rainbow Dash'.”
-Her foot?
-Why not “kick”?

>Three ragged and deep claw marks on her chest greeted her when she looked down, the blood seeping down her coat as the lamp fell from her mouth.
-Gilda didn't punch her? This sounds to me like it would have impaled her if it had enough force to knock her back, unless her claws were as dull as traffic cones. -http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101230060252/mlp/images/archive/4/49/20110428113022!Gilroar.png I don't see claws.
-Dat structure.
-Consider “ragged, deep”
-”Greet” seems like too active a word for your situation.

>"Oh hey, I think I hit something," Gilda sneered, a pleased smile crept along her mouth.
-Comma splice after “sneered.”
-Is the hat off her head?

>She rolled onto her back paws and stood up.
-”Back paws” sounds rather unwieldy.

>"Gimme a sec, Dash. I'll be right with you."
-This sounds more like insane sociopathic joy than rage, which I was expecting.

>Her neck snaked forward bringing her sharp beak to her cloth binding; in one snap, she was half free.
-”half free?” What does this mean?

>"Oh shit."
-I'm just going to assume RD swears in Fo:E.

>Rainbow was on her hooves and running down the hall.
-Lack of a transition makes me think that you missed a scene break or left out a scene where RD recovers from the kick.

>She took to the air and flew down the first staircase she saw, barely noticing that the sign said she was flying towards the dining hall.
-”barely... hall” sounds very much condensible.

>She heard another snap, she flew faster.
-Splice.

>She came out of the enclosed spiraling stairwell to find her self surrounded by bolted down tables cover in plates and cutlery, all the room encircled with half wall windows.
-Dat structure.
-”Herself.” One word.
-”Covered.” Past tense.
-You may want to say that it's a “enclosed spiraling stairwell” when you call it “first staircase she saw”.
-Dat sentence structure.
-”She did X. She did X, she did X. She did X.” Rather repetitive.
-Half what now? What are those? What do they look like? Well, at least the description here is better than the first two-thirds.

>The tables all had that friendly pink face on it, each pulling a different silly expression.
-Creeeeepy.

>A stretched out hat dropped through the stair well as Dash flew to the far wall.
-All these sentences start with (subject) (verb) (object). Very stilted.

>Through the windows, she saw vehicles, billboards, furniture, and countless bodies dotting the landscape; they were directly over where Cloudsdale had been ruptured by the Megaspell.
-Consider:
>Through the windows, she saw vehicles, billboards, furniture, and countless bodies dotting the landscape; they were directly over where Cloudsdale had been ruptured by the Megaspell.

>She turned back to see talons grip either side of the stairwell before Gilda's face emerge from the shadows.
-...face emerged from...

>"No place like home, right?" Gilda said climbing slowly out of the starewell.
-...the stairwell.

>"Thanks for the outfits, Dash, but you have lousy taste in fashion."
-“You have lousy taste in fashion."--doesn't sound like Gilda to me. This sounds cold. Compare:
>"Oh you shit!" Gilda screamed from below as she burst out of the main doors, tearing them from their hinges. She flew straight at Rainbow Dash. "Trap me in a big popped balloon? Was that your lame ass plan?" she roared.
So Gilda is psychic and has mood swings.

>Rainbow jumped to the nearest table, kicking a metal serving tray for all her worth.
-”for all her worth.” I'd tell you to show instead of tell, but I have no idea what this means. With all her might? As if her life depended on it, because it did? (Don't use those lines.)

>Gilda pounced right, but not before it gouged her shoulder.
-”Pounce” implies a target to be pounced upon. It is offensive, not defensive.
-gouge - verb. (transitive) To make a mark or hole by scooping. (emphasis added) You may want another verb.
-If you can slice someone with a metal serving tray, that tray probably isn't OSHA compliant.

>The pegasus pony kept kicking and throwing anything she could reach, most of it embedding into the wooden tables the griffon dived behind.
-Might want to introduce the fact that the Pinkie tables are wood when you introduce the tables.
-LUS.
-Might want to make Gilda the subject of a sentence where she actively dives behind tables instead of giving her part of a modifier.

>When a spoon struck her between the eyes hard enough to make her eyes water, she let out a ear splitting roar.
-Dry sentence. Does not flow well with the other sentences in the paragraph or with itself.

>"No more weak kiddie games," she growled digging her talons in the underside of a table with Pinkie scrunching her face as if holding back a laugh.
-Consider a comma after “growled.”
-Consider “into” over “in.”
-The “no more games” line really only works if you use it once or twice. This is the third.

>With a grunt, she wrenched the table top free of its stand, whipping around and lobbing the table straight at the pegaus's neck like a discus.


>Rainbow flattened to the floor, ears plastered to her skull, as the flung table whirled overhead and crashed through the far window.
-Sprawled? Ducked?
-Comma removable.

>She raised her head in time to see Gilda flying at her face.
-Fairly repetitive sentence structure.

>Talons snagged her mane, dragged her onto her back, and flung her against the half wall beneath the smashed window moments later.
-Talons is the subject of the sentence here. Consider replacing with “Gilda.”
-What's a half wall? I get what you mean, but I don't like the phrase. Consider just “wall.”
-Oh, so the half of the wall that the window occupies is the top half. That probably should have been said earlier.
-Is “moments later” really necessary?

>Her vision focused in on a pouncing griffon, talons aimed at her face.
-LUS.
-”in on”?
-Dat structure. Consider “Her vision refocused on Gilda aiming talons at her face.” or something.

>With no time to dodge, the old pony opened her mouth and chomped down on the eagle-like hand.
-Oh, right. They're old. I completely forgot about that because they don't act old. I mean, could you imagine the mayor taking a clawed kick to the stomach?
-”eagle-like hand.” LUS. Yes, it applies to other things besides ponies and griffons.
-That sounds about as advisable and believable as catching a rapier thrust with your teeth.

>Gilda shrieked at the pain as her hand poured blood.
-Do you shriek at pain or in pain?
-Poured blood? Ponies don't have fangs.

>She brought her free hand in to stab Dash in her chest.
-With what, a knife? Her talons?

>The pony slapped the blow sideways with a foreleg and pinned the arm flat against her side by bringing her elbow down.
-LUS.
-Is “with a foreleg” necessary? What else is she going to slap it with? Her tail? ...Well, that's conceivable, but I think “with a foreleg” is implied by “slap.”
-Whose arm?
-”Pinned?” If RD's pushing Gilda's arm against her (RD's) side, that seems like less “pinning” and more “locking” or something. I dunno. I pussied out (wordfilter, you can imagine what I meant) of martial arts club after about a week. But, uh, from my very brief time there, I think I can say with some degree of certainty that knocking an incoming punch away and then trying to lock that arm is counter-productive.
-On that note, I have no idea what “by bringing her elbow down” does for disabling the arm, regardless of whether or not you actually meant where a real pony's elbow would be: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equine_anatomy

>With both her hands pinned to keep her from using her talons, Gilda lifted the pony and slammed her back against the windowsill.
-LUS.

>Rainbow kicked at the griffon's stomach and though she grunted with each blow, she kept pushing with her hand clamped in the pony's mouth.
-Comma after “stomach.”
-LUS x2.
-Unclear antecedents. Rainbow Dash could be grunting because she's kicking, or Gilda because she's getting kicked.

>From the the corner of her eye, Rainbow saw her destination, a large sliver of glass; Gilda was going to impale her.
-Where is the sliver of glass? If it's directly behind RD, how did she see it and how did “Gilda lifted the pony and slammed her back against the windowsill” not already stab her? If it's not directly behind her, I can't tell what you meant, as Gilda can't pick it up.

>For seconds that lasted forever...
-What.

>...Rainbow's head was forced closer to the lethal shard.
-LUS on “lethal shard.”

>Her eyes darted from the approaching glass blade to Gilda's face.
-”Darted from... to” or “darted between... and”?
-You say the glass blade is approaching. You do not say RD is moving backwards, even though Gilda is pushing against her. Thus, I must conclude that RD is holding her ground and Gilda is slowly pushing the glass towards RD with telekinesis.

>The griffon's features were calm, as though what she were doing was the most natural thing in the world.
-LUS.
-(Something about Gilda's flip-flop personality goes here.)

>Rainbow saw herself reflected in Gilda’s eyes, her mouth covered in her former friend's blood as she gnashed her teeth.
-Dat structure. Since “her mouth” is closely related to “Rainbow,” I'm not objecting there, but damn, that's a long modifier.
-This seems so very passive for a supposed action scene. And not in an eye of the storm way. In a 9 AM History 101 lecture way.

>Far below, the table crashed loudly to the ground.
-Far below? Are they not on the floor? If you meant on dirt-ground, then...
-...how could the crash be loud? If something takes that long to hit the ground, they have to be pretty far up. Also, air resistance would make the table not move as fast as the balloon hotel.

>She barely noticed it over the sound of their own struggling.
-”She” and “their own” do not mix well. Consider cutting “own.”

>The only sound for miles, until other sounds began to join in.
-Fragment, poorly used. Consider merging with the previous sentence. I would assume you mean the table crashing.

>The air became full of the distant noise, something between a gargle, a roar, and a hiss.
-This implies the table made “something between a gargle, a roar, and a hiss” when it crashed.

>Both pony and griffon paused as it became more intense, looking down at the landscape below.
-LUS.

>The bodies were rising from the grave of Cloudsdale.
-What bodies?

>They took to the air in packs of dozens and flew straight for the blimp. They were screaming.
-Mutant vulture-imp hybrids?!

>Gilda and Rainbow Dash released each other with mirrored looks of horror.
-Consider merging this with the next paragraph.
-A bit on the tell-y side. Needs more show, I think.

>"What the fuck-" they asked in sync, interrupted as rotting pegasi smashed in from all directions.
-This (—) is an em dash. You use it to show dialogue or ideas being cut off.
-Consider “together” over “in sync.”

>They gnashed their teeth and snapped at the air as they hungrily descended.
-Oh, look. There were zombies after all.


Overall:
-So let's go over what's happened so far in ten points.
1. Gilda and RD do their cheer as RD's last request to Gilda before Gilda kills her.
2. They fight.
3. RD runs away into an orchard, Gilda chases her.
4. RD gets Gilda stuck and runs away.
5. RD finds Pinkie's balloon and tricks Gilda into going inside.
6. RD fails her plan to get Gilda inside the balloon and popping it.
7. RD runs away down a hall, resulting in the incident with the dress and hat.
8. RD is chased into the ballroom by Gilda.
9. They fight again.
10. Zombies!

We have five real settings here: the mountain, the orchard, outside the hotel, hotel hall and lobby, and the room with the tables. The story picks up in both action and quality after the first two settings, even though they make for about half the chapter. But here's the thing about the other three settings—they're pretty much the same place. If we consider them so, then the amount of action in each scene is disproportionate. I'm not saying the third setting has too much happening in it; I'm saying the first two have too little. It's like you went, “I ran out of things for them to do here and can't think of any more. I'm playing the Scene Change card!” instead of “They ran out of things to do here and/or are moving away because the story demands it. I'm playing the Scene Change card.” So yeah, the transitions between the first and second scenes and second and third scenes are virtually if not actually nonexistent, and it makes your story seem poorly paced.

-Your writing is, for lack of a better word, flat. Emotionless. Monotone. There's no voice. Rainbow Dash did this. She thought that. You're probably going to need better transitions between sentences and varied structure. And more interesting word choice. For example:
>Fortune smiled on Rainbow Dash. Below, she spotted a large orchard of trees next to a ranch house. She hoped a plan would present itself when she got there. ‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’ She aimed for the outer-most edge of the grove, and began to spiral inwards towards the center and, hopefully, a plan.
She did this. She thought that. Very stilted. Very drab.

-Speaking of structure, sentences like
> In seconds the griffon was on the floor, her tail lashing the air and her upper body bound tight to her body in very expensive fabric.
>Three ragged and deep claw marks on her chest greeted her when she looked down, the blood seeping down her coat as the lamp fell from her mouth.
>Gilda flared her wings, a wide grin on her face.
make me stumble when reading.

-The description seems lacking. I have to assume a lot of things about what things look like.
For example, let's go over the orchard scene. Normal text is what you have. Bolded text is what I added or changed.

>Fortune smiled on Rainbow Dash. Below, she spotted a large orchard of trees next to a ranch house. She hoped a plan would present itself when she got there. ‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’ She aimed for the outer-most edge of the grove, and began to spiral inwards towards the center and, hopefully, a plan.
>Leaves slapped her face as she flew, dodging the thicker branches and weaving in between the trees. Behind her, the sound of branches being snapped let her know that Gilda was behind her. Close behind her. The pony bit her lip and started looking for her brilliant plan to get out of the situation alive.

What scenery information did we get from this?
-Large orchard next to a ranch house. (Explicit)
-Trees aren't dead. (Implicit)
-There are leaves on the branches. (Explicit)

Now what information didn't we get from this?
-The trees were maple trees. You introduced this important fact only when the fact was important. Also, you introduced this fact after I thought that they were apple trees. It's an orchard. What was I supposed to think? I didn't know, so I made an assumption. I shouldn't have to make assumptions on things that matter.

On that note, implicit descriptions aren't really descriptions. Having a character say “That house is big” is rather different from saying it in narrative, I'd say.

-Thoughts go either in italics or single quotes, not both. If this excerpt from One Day by David Nicholls I looked at is anything to go by, UK English seems to favor using neither.
Good quote formatting:
>‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’
>At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.
Bad formatting:
>‘At least the trees don’t seem dead, I guess the radiation isn’t so bad here. Maybe.’

-Double spacing is widely accepted to be incorrect, as we've moved out of the age of typewriters and monospaced fonts. Serifed fonts and double spacing do not blend well. Odds are, you're too used to spacing twice after a period to change now, but food for thought. (Really, though—you've probably noticed how many times you used only one space after a period that I've pointed out in the stream of consciousness. Those were just the ones I found, and I wasn't even looking for them.)

-Your Rainbow Dash doesn't particularly feel like Rainbow Dash. I don't remember why I wrote this when going through the fic, but it probably had something to do with RD's actions in the first half or her sentimentality in the second. Also, she runs away a lot.

-Your Gilda seems all over the place. She goes from “I'm not going to kill you so you can fight me” to “you're fucking dead” and back. She just came out of a bad breakup, didn't she?

-How old are they? They don't seem particularly old to me. I mean really, with the kicks, punches, flying, tree-slingshotting, and whatnot, I would have expected one of them to have busted a hip by now.

-Comma splices. Lots of 'em. Most of them are in dialogue, but even then I'm not a fan of them.

-You switch between just “Rainbow” and just “Dash” quite often. I can't think of anything that calls her just “Dash” outside of fanfiction, and switching between the two feels like if Harry Potter switched between “Harry and “Potter.” Sort of.

-LUS. So much LUS. Allow me to copy and paste something another reviewer wrote:
>Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.
—Vanner, “Vanner's Cluebat for Better Writing”
LUS distances the character from the reader and generally hampers narrative flow. There are reviewers who disagree with this, but I am not one of them.

-There's so many “Rainbow Dash thought X” lines in here that third person omniscient doesn't seem to fit your narrative too well. And even then, you use words that make it seem like it's from Dash's perspective. It's somewhat dizzying. This gets better after Rainbow Dash bars the door with canes, but it's dizzying nonetheless. For example:
>...Gilda was behind her. Close behind her. The pony bit her lip...
The first two sentences put the reader in RD's head. The LUS in the third distances her from the reader.

-Speaker placement. Compare:
>"Trap me in a big popped balloon? Was that your lame ass plan?" she roared.
to
>"Trap me in a big popped balloon?" she roared. "Was that your lame-ass plan?"
Consider putting your speakers at the first sensible break. It's weird wondering who's talking until the line ends, and you do this quite often.


Closing thoughts:
When I like a fic I'm reviewing, I often withhold comments until I've spent my attention span so I can actually read instead of blather on about a misplaced comma, making me forget where I was and what happened. You can identify where such places happen when I have less comments per sentence in a part than in other parts. This didn't happen very often here. It did happen in the tabled room, though. My opinion on the second half is considerably higher than my opinion on the first half. I'd say that I had to push through the first half to get to the better second half, but a boring first part is damning to readers, in my opinion.

I'd say that this is Star-4 or Star-5 by Equestria Daily reader standards. I give it two and a half—slightly above the same rating I give stories that I consider “not bad, but nothing special.” In other words, I give it slightly higher than a meh. Is it entertaining? Somewhat. But the blandness of the beginning of the chapter made me want to stop reading on many occasions. That's in part why this review took so long.

Though, please keep in mind that I've been doing this on and off over the course of three weeks. Though this review might be long, it certainly isn't deep. I most likely will have contradicted myself, and may have forgotten how things were when I left off.

Also, I have no idea how well this meshes with Fallout: Equestria proper.

I hope this helped.


First post in this review: >>81953

>>81967
Filler? This is why we love you, you hairy lummox. <3

I claim these 3!

>>77897
>>78189
>>78626

I'll get the first started some time this afternoon after I do some of my own business.

Tags: [Dark][Tragedy]

Synopsis: While searching for Winona in the Everfree Forest, Twilight and Fluttershy come across an old ruin of unknown origin. Perplexed at the unique markings within the ruin, Twilight makes it a mission to discover the identities of the ancient symbols. Meanwhile a mysterious stallion appears in Ponyville as a darkness begins to turn the otherwise peaceful residents into a chaotic rabble. Can Twilight and company unravel the secrets of the runes before all of Equestria descends into eternal darkness and chaos?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4024/Dark-Reality

Chapters: 1-4

Comments:
This is kind of my first fanfic... I had some help editing the story after it was complete, and I was suggested to present it to Equestria Daily. I was skeptical that I would have made it through, and I was right that it wouldn't. But I was surprised to how close I made it... Nearly all of the issues were grammatical:

1) Repetition! In your first paragraph, you start three sentences with 'The'. Mix it up a little
2) Grammatical errors.
3) Some odd sentence structure. Missing words, perhaps?
4) There's a little bit of telling.
5) Word choice issues.

And then I was directed here. So here I stand, bowed down on my knee pleading for help from the great editors of Ponychan.

I would also like to thank any in advance who is
willing to help me get this going.

Note: The first paragraph no longer exists after I
fixed the first sentence, which was a major tell.

Shadowbolt picture because Shadowbolts are best ponies.

Ponyville Anthology:
I'm going to skip the main stuff. Your story is technically sound, it's just emotionless. A lot of the story feels like 'First this, then that, then the ladder broke. Use description, and don't just tell us what happens. We need feel what happens.

Second, a lot of the humor isn't that witty. Physical humor can be funny on screen, but in writing it kind of falls flat. You have a lot of random physical humor, and there's no build up. As I'm very bad at comedy, I can't really tell you how to fix this, but I'd recommend a little more build up to your jokes.

Third, it's just short, and too much happens. This should be fixed if you follow suggestions one and two.

Here's my prescription: Take a look at how published books/authors describe events, and add more description to your story. If you do that, you'd easily be able to break 3k words with what you have.

A Fast Fliers Fillyhood

First off: A Fast Flier's Fillyhood
Style: I'm against your overuse of all-caps. It's up to you, but from what I've read and seen, it's distrcting and doesn't add emotion. Aside from that, emphasis is usually used with italics, and not caps.
The gigantic rainbow-colored boom is a little overbearing. I recommend toning it down a lot.
You have a habit of using redundant adjectives. If you describe something, describe it once, not two or three times in a sentence.
For example: Her father stopped playing his piano to gaze at the upset filly through gentle brown eyes the color of melted chocolate.

Story:
It's too fragmented for my taste. The constant flashbacks, flash forwards, and memories of past events make this a time-travel soup. I'd recommend having at most two breaks from the race for memories. As it stands, it's really hard to follow.
As a hook, the chapter is okay. If you make the changes above it'll be much easier to comprehend.

Keep writing, both of you.

>>80253
Oldest one that's not exceedingly long or has tags I refuse to read.

Expect a post tomorrow.

>>81823
Claiming this one.
In the mood for something short.
I'll sit down some time this afternoon and get to it.
I'll try and be brutal but fair.

>>82005
uhm... this one already has been claimed by Dromer.

>>82007
I don't mind a second person taking it, if they want to. My review was a little short for my tastes.

>>82008
ah okay then disregard my last post.

>>82007
Crap, sorry.

>>82008
There's enough fics to go around. Sorry.

> Woops, just noticed the queue. Derp.

Alright, I'll claim...
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/76709.html#78675

> Sorry for the kerfuffle.

SpaceKing, thank you for being so patient with me, I really appreciate it. Funny how life can just blindside you. Anywhoo, seeing as Filler has delivered with a review of impressive size and scope, I can only hope that mine will be just as worth the wait.

Expect it soon, I'm currently on sweep number two through your fic.

Have a good day and keep on reviewing and writing, everyone.